This is a massive cleanup of the fortune files, including removal

of many duplicates, formatting/whitespace fixes, spelling fixes,
and a host of others. Note: No fortunes were intentionally removed
(other than duplicates) as part of this cleanup. In removing dupes
I tried to be generous in not removing similarly worded fortunes
that had even slightly different punch lines.

Duplicates were resolved as follows (in this order):
* + limerick		-> limerick
* + fortunes-o.real	-> fortunes-o.real
* + fortunes2-o		-> fortunes2-o
* + zippy		-> zippy
murphy + fortunes	-> fortunes

In correcting spelling I've tried to leave colloquial variations
(especially British'isms) intact, as well as to not "correct"
errors that are part of the joke.

In fortunes and fortunes2-o I combined a couple of fortunes that
were adjacent to each other that seemed like they should have
originally been combined, and split a couple that seemed like they
should have originally been split.

Miscellaneous:
1. Fixed underlining
2. Capitalized proper names
3. Removed quotation marks from "freestanding" quotes for consistency
4. Added quotation marks to QOTD fortunes that needed them
5. Corrected or added many attributions
6. Removed apostrophes from trailing 's' that are plural, not possessive
7. Updated the path to fortune stuff included in some of the jokes
8. Updated several fortunes to their original version, and added attribution
9. Split up compound words that ispell tripped over

1 files changed, 273 insertions, 1852 deletions

diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o
index ac190e7..f4ef14b 100644
--- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o
@@ -1,5 +1,4 @@
-This fortune brought to you by:
-$FreeBSD$
+%% $FreeBSD$
 %
 						PLAYGIRL, Inc.
 						Philadelphia, Pa.  19369
@@ -61,26 +60,6 @@ Why'd she have VD?  I don't know, she wouldn't say.
 I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ....
 		-- To the tune of "Yesterday"
 %
-		THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
-
-An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the Flat Earth
-Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all
-who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs.
-In addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the following
-beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as correct Church dogma:
-
-	--That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from
-		which UFOs come.
-	--That pi equals precisely 3.000.
-	--That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully
-		squared the circle.
-	--That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
-
-Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being studied,
-including Reaganomics and that the moon landings were done in a Hollywood
-special effects studio.  These will be the subject of some forthcoming Papal
-Bull.
-%
 		The Snack
 Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby.
 
@@ -102,16 +81,6 @@ Nothing to eat?
 Testicles, testicles, said Daddy.  A man gets tired of testicles.
 		-- L.L. Zeiger
 %
-	... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even
-worse is, our standards keep changing.  Take Playboy magazine.  Back in the
-1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
-considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
-showed was women's breasts.  Granted, any given one of these breasts would
-have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect
-was no more explicit than many publications we think nothing of today, such
-as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-%
 	A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods.  The bear looks
 over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?"
 	"No."
@@ -635,12 +604,6 @@ remains of her cat.  As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
 	The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
 "Sit with my wife.  You two have a lot in common."
 %
-	And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
-	They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
-ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
-very selfhood revealed."
-	And Jesus replied, "What?"
-%
 	"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
 to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
 posh hotel.
@@ -653,7 +616,7 @@ a postcard?"
 Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only
 an occasional weekend for sex.  Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack,
 rising corporate star, ended in disaster.  Yesterday you heard him telling
-a friend over lunch,  "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!"  Well,
+a friend over lunch, "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!"  Well,
 all is not lost!  SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just
 15 minutes a day!
 	SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate
@@ -727,42 +690,20 @@ last night, nothing!"
 	"Nothing?" his pal asked.  "How come?"
 	"Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
 %
-	But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose
-skins were black.  And lo!  Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted
-calf they were sucking hind teat...
-	Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they
-called him King.  And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to
-the front of the bus."
-	But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
-deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass.  When ye shall prove
-yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
-unto a snowball in Hell."
-		-- "The Begatting of a President"
-%
-	But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that
-cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone.  It is akin
-to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation.  The
-latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing
-with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole
-bunch of knuckles.
-		-- Harlan Ellison
-%
-	"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with
-your penis?"
-	"Uh, not right now."
-	"Tsk, tsk.  A girl has to have *some* standards."
-		-- Real Genius
-%
 	Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one
 particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock,
 a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition,
 said, "Winston, you're drunk."  Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew
 himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up
 your ass, you ugly cunt."
+		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
+%
 	When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to
 the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if
 you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and
 your play can go fuck yourselves."
+		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
+%
 	At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table
 to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee."  "And
 if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's
@@ -778,19 +719,6 @@ the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell her,
 `SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'"
 		-- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf"
 %
-	Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
-
-	Sept 14		Pasadena Junior High
-	Sept 21		Boy Scout Troop 049
-	Sept 28		Blind Academy
-	Sept 30		World War I Veterans
-	Oct 5		Brownie Scout Troop 041
-	Oct 12		Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
-	Oct 26		St. Thomas Boys Choir
-	Nov 2		Texas City Vet Clinic
-	Nov 9		Korean War Amputees
-	Nov 15		VA Hospital Polio Patients
-%
 	"Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
 be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
 %
@@ -820,18 +748,6 @@ ad was quite explicit.  I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert,
 and you... uh... don't have all the..."
 	"Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
 %
-	"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
-sincerely, extremely dangerously.
-	They used dogs.  They used probes.  They used cardio plate crossoffs.
-They used teepers.  They used bribery.  They used stick tites.  They used
-intimidation.  They used torment.  They used torture.  They used finks.
-They used cops.  They used search and seizure.  They used fallaron.  They
-used betterment incentives.  They used finger prints.  They used the
-bertillion system.  They used cunning.  They used guile.  They used treachery.
-They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.  They used applied physics.
-They used techniques of criminology.  And what the hell, they caught him.
-		-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
-%
 	During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
 blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall.  Suddenly a red-face
 country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
@@ -846,7 +762,7 @@ she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"
 	Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
 blizzard.  He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
 while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter.  She proved
-to be eighteen and beautiful.   So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
+to be eighteen and beautiful.  So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
 pass at the daughter.  "Stop that!" she said.  "I'll call my father."
 	He desisted.  But half an hour later he made another attempt.  "Uh,
 stop ... that," she said.  "I'll call my father."
@@ -874,7 +790,7 @@ finest I've ever had."
 	Ever thought of putting a ferret down your pants?  Yes, ferrets,
 those weasel-like animals originally trained to hunt rats and possessing
 needle sharp claws and razor sharp teeth.  The English do it for sport.
-	Ferret Legging involves the tying of a competitors's trousers at
+	Ferret Legging involves the tying of a competitor's trousers at
 the ankles and then dropping into the trousers a couple of vicious ferrets.
 No jockstraps or underwear allowed -- nothing but the bodies' own.  The
 ferrets must be young and in good condition.  Neither the ferret or the
@@ -951,7 +867,7 @@ such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
 and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?"  The four
 fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
 	At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?"  The others nodded
-in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem.  A second
+in acknowledgment as they continued to consider the problem.  A second
 professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'"  Again, the others
 nodded.  A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
 	They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
@@ -974,17 +890,6 @@ dark prison cell?  Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
 apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
 in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
 %
-	God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter
-what style of fucking it practiced.  He made sex irresistibly pleasurable,
-wildly joyous, free from fears.  He made it innocent merriment.
-	Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit.  Everyone
-agreed, from aardvarks to zebras.  All the jolly animals -- lions and
-lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
-though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
-innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years.  Maybe they
-were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one.
-		-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
-%
 	God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
 differences once and for all.
 	When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
@@ -1012,7 +917,7 @@ hope in it.  Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
 found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
 the gun on himself!"
 	"Terrible," said Harry.  "But it could have been worse."
-	"How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly
+	"How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly
 have been worse?"
 	"Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
 dead right now."
@@ -1253,26 +1158,6 @@ twenty-five-year-old."
 ass?"
 	"Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all."
 %
-	Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile.
-Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures.  One day,
-without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation.  In
-an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to
-prison.
-	They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports
-in their hotel room.  For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get
-them to name their contacts in the liberation movement...  Finally they're
-hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced
-to death.
-	The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll
-be shot.  The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have
-any last requests.  Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in
-Chicago.  The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to
-Murray.
-	"This is crazy!" Murray shouts.  "We're not spies!"  And he
-spits in the sergeants face.
-	"Murray!" Esther cries.  "Please!  Don't make trouble."
-		-- Arthur Naiman
-%
 	"My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a
 barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!"
 	"Not in California."
@@ -1385,7 +1270,7 @@ never writes..."
 	One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY.  So he took his Miss
 HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he
 there began to feel her MOUNDS.  And that was an ALMOND JOY which definitely
-made his TOOSIE ROLL.
+made his TOOTSIE ROLL.
 	He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT
 which of course caused the MILKY WAY.  She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she
 squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better then the 3
@@ -1459,7 +1344,8 @@ circuits.
 of time before he gets smashed -- and when a journalist turns into a politics
 junkie he will sooner or later start raving and babbling in print about things
 that only a person who has Been There can possibly understand.
-		-- Hunter Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
+		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing:
+		   On the Campaign Trail"
 %
 	People who write position papers often find themselves in an
 enviable position.  They are hired to write papers for both sides of the
@@ -1497,23 +1383,14 @@ gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way."
 stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison.  "If
 this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she
 doesn't deserve to have any."
-
-	James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother")
-failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to
-remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a
-major general."
-
-	(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed,
-complained, "Only one man ever understood me."  He fell silent for a
-while and then added, "And he didn't understand me."
-
+%
 	Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
 pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening
 sight I have ever seen."  His companion was surprised to see nothing
 more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand
 on the child's shoulder.  "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning
 out of the car.  "Run for your life!"
-
+%
 	Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the
 Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives.  A popular
 story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was
@@ -1521,7 +1398,6 @@ roused by his wife crying, "Wake up!  I think there are burglars in the
 house."
 	"No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
 maybe, but not in the House."
-
 %
 	Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the
 still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence.
@@ -1538,12 +1414,16 @@ assure you, that's a wee-wee."
 certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his
 own.  Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I
 care for neither your politics nor your moustache."  Unabashed, the young
-statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, the wryly commented, "Suck my
+statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, then wryly commented, "Suck my
 dick."
+		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
+%
 	While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was
 asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers.
  "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a
 whimsical smile, "They're assholes."
+		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
+%
 	Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at
 the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of
 Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the
@@ -1569,30 +1449,6 @@ she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
 	"So?"
 	"So, she's a liar.  I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
 %
-	The big problem with pornography is defining it.  You can't just
-say it's pictures of people naked.  For example, you have these
-primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
-and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
-saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
-you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
-time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
-Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
-	So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
-publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
-naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
-naked, or whatever.  But if National Geographic were to publish an
-article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
-Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography.  But
-others would not.  And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
-Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-%
-	The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
-"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
-in his hand.  But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
-	"Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
-but not much good in a fight."
-%
 	The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
 a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi.  The rabbi listened solemnly to
 his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
@@ -1614,7 +1470,7 @@ made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her
 footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the
 reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting,
 madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore."
-	"You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gywnn, "at this rate you must fight
+	"You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gwynn, "at this rate you must fight
 every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it."
 	"Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut
 the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that."
@@ -1946,17 +1802,6 @@ deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl,
 	"Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going
 to be able to settle out of court."
 %
-	Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how
-to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say
-`ass' and I'll say `hell'".
-	All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their
-mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
-	"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
-His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room,
-and turns to the younger brother.  "What'll you have?"
-	"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
-it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
-%
 	Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about
 their troubles.  "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife
 has cut me down to just once a week."
@@ -2003,27 +1848,8 @@ eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses.  "Never mind,"
 I said.  "It's your turn to drive."  I hit the brakes and aimed the Great
 Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway.  No point in mentioning the
 bats, I thought.  The poor bastard will see them soon enough.
-		-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas:
-		A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream"
-%
-	Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
-great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).  Anyway, he just felt
-so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS
-THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
-	And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no
-one is mightier than you."
-	A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
-"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
-	The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
-stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
-	The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
-quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
-THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
-	Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
-him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
-orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
-	The tiger staggers to his feet, looks at the elephant and says: "Man,
-you don't have to get so pissed, just because you don't know the answer!"
+		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas:
+		   A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream"
 %
 	Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner.
 She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said,
@@ -2039,36 +1865,6 @@ the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham."
 	Their son looked up, surprised.  "WHOAH!  Dad be gettin' hip!
 How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?"
 %
-	When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
-operation, the young woman asked him somewhat hesitantly how long
-it would be before she could resume her sex life.
-	"I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon.
-"You're the first patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
-%
-	When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
-that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
-hands.  Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
-to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil.  This is a happy
-but fleeting state of affairs.  Usually your feelings die about thirty
-seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
-invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
-sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty.  Wanna get high?
-	Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
-It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
-Rumania.
-		-- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
-%
-	While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
-the woods and disappear across the clearing.  Just as she got out of sight,
-three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
-"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
-	"Yes," replied the hunter.  "What's the trouble?"
-	"She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
-then.  We're trying to catch her."
-	"I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
-carrying a bucket of sand?"
-	"That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
-%
 	While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself
 out of money just as her visa expired.  Unable to pay her passage back to
 France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting
@@ -2271,28 +2067,6 @@ your balls.
 	ever saw.
 		-- Esquire, May 1977
 %
-20 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN
- 1. A beer never leaves the toilet seat up.
- 2. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
- 3. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
- 4. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
- 5. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
- 6. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
- 7. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
- 8. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
- 9. A beer won't steal the covers.
-10. A beer doesn't buy everything labeled "turbo".
-11. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
-12. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
-13. A beer tastes good.
-14. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
-15. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback.
-16. You don't have to let a beer win.
-17. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
-18. A beer will never call you "Babe".  Or "Sugar-hips".
-19. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
-20. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
-%
 667 -- The neighbor of the beast.
 %
 68:
@@ -2302,18 +2076,6 @@ your balls.
 %
 69 + 69 = dinner for 4.
 %
-71:
-	69 with two fingers up your ass.
-		-- George Carlin
-%
-7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
-	The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
-	Redwood Forest.
-
-7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
-	The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
-	Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
-%
 8 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
 
  1. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
@@ -2361,24 +2123,12 @@ all over him.  "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck your sister."
 	The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame
 you one bit.  She's *got* to be an improvement on yours."
 %
-A bad little girl in Madrid,
-A most reprehensible kid,
-	Told her Tante Louise
-	That her cunt smelled like cheese,
-And the worst of it was that it did!
-%
 A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself.
 	"What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired.
 	"You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!"
 	"What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked.
 	"It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody."
 %
-A bather whose clothing was strewed
-By breezes that left her quite nude,
-	Saw a man come along
-	And, unless I am wrong,
-You expected this line to be lewd.
-%
 A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of
 six.  One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully
 sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from
@@ -2396,24 +2146,6 @@ beside her and proceeded to demonstrate.  After they had finished, she asked
 how he had enjoyed it.
 	"Great!" was the reply.  "But look what it did to my clamdigger!"
 %
-A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
-I am not I, I'm a tree."
-	But another, more sane,
-	Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
-And covered his pants leg with pee.
-%
-A beautiful belle of Del Norte
-Is reckoned disdainful and haughty
-	Because during the day
-	She says: "Boys, keep away!"
-But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
-%
-A beautiful lady named Psyche
-Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
-	One thing about Ike
-	The lady can't like
-Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
-%
 A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
 purgatory for the purse.
 %
@@ -2432,13 +2164,6 @@ having sexual intercourse with her.  "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing
 now?"
 	"Yes," she says.  "You're getting herpes."
 %
-A beetling young woman named Pridgets
-Had a violent abhorrence of midgets;
-	Off the end of a wharf
-	She once pushed a dwarf
-Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
 A big store buyer had been on the road for nearly two months.  Each week he
 would send his wife a telegram saying,
 	"Can't come home yet.  Still buying."
@@ -2448,16 +2173,10 @@ rolled by and she'd still seen nothing of her husband but the weekly telegrams,
 she wired him,
 	"Better come home.  I'm selling what you're buying."
 %
-A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
-Sold cigars at a key-club concession.
-	When she swiveled about
-	Even strong men cried out,
-For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
-%
 A bisexual chap name of Lunt
 Taught himself an unusual stunt.
-He could peel back his spout
-Turn the skin inside out
+	He could peel back his spout
+	Turn the skin inside out
 Like a glove, to be used as a cunt!
 %
 A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow.
@@ -2481,25 +2200,6 @@ suppose you could try and tell me?"
 and slimey..."  And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have
 no balls.  You must be an attorney!"
 %
-A bobby of Nottingham Junction
-Whose organ had long ceased to function
-	Deceived his good wife
-	For the rest of her life
-With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
-%
-A broken-down harlot named Tupps
-Was heard to confess in her cups:
-	"The height of my folly
-	Was diddling a collie-
-But I got a nice price for the pups."
-%
-A burlesque dancer, a pip
-Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
-	But she read science fiction
-	And died of constriction
-Attempting a Moebius strip.
-		-- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"
-%
 A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar.
 Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute
 and that her price was $500.  He was taken aback by the price, but after
@@ -2508,47 +2208,16 @@ minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him
 masturbating furiously on the bed.  "What are you doing?", she asked.
 	"Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!"
 %
-A busy young lady named Gloria
-Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
-	And then by six men,
-	Sir Gerald again,
-And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
-%
-A cabin boy on an old clipper
-Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
-	He plugged up his ass
-	With fragments of glass
-And thus circumcised his old skipper.
-%
 A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick
 fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off
 the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car.
 	The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate
 to be alive.  The Catholic crossed himself.  Then the Protestant crossed
 himself in an accentuated manner.
-	"Hey," said the Catholic, "I why did you cross yourself, you're not
+	"Hey," said the Catholic, "Why did you cross yourself, you're not
 Catholic!"
 	"Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again,
-"spectacles, testicals, wallet, pen."
-%
-A cautious young fellow named Lodge
-Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
-	When his date was strapped in,
-	He committed a sin,
-Without even leaving his grodge.
-%
-A cautious young fellow named Lodge,
-Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
-	With his date all strapped in
-	He committed a sin
-Without even leaving the garage.
-		-- "A Boy and His Dog"
-%
-A cautious young fellow named Tunney
-Had a whang that was worth any money.
-	When eased in half-way,
-	The girl's sigh made him say,
-"Why the sigh?"  "For the rest of it, honey."
+"spectacles, testicles, wallet, pen."
 %
 A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar
 by starting a gimmick involving a horse.  His claim was that if anyone could
@@ -2568,102 +2237,17 @@ said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?"
 	"How did you make him cry tonight?"
 	"I proved it."
 %
-A certain young man, it was noted,
-Went about in the heat thickly-coated;
-	He said, "You may scoff,
-	But I shan't take it off;
-Underneath I am horribly bloated."
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-A certain young person of Ghent,
-Uncertain if lady or gent,
-	Shows his organs at large
-	For a small handling charge
-To assist him in paying the rent.
-%
-A certain young sheik of Algiers
-Said to his harem, "My dears,
-	Though you may think it odd of me,
-	I'm tired of just sodomy
-Let's try straight fucking."  (loud cheers!)
-%
-A chap down in Oklahoma
-Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
-	But the sweetness of pitch
-	Couldn't put off the hitch
-Of impotence, size and aroma.
-%
-A charmer from old Amarillo,
-Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
-	Decided one day
-	That to keep men away
-She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
-%
-A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
-Had a pussy as large as a muff.
-	It had room for both hands
-	And some intimate glands,
-And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
-%
 A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
 %
-A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
-Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
-		-- Thomas Ybarra
-%
 A clergical student named Simms
 Hums liturgical tunes while he rims:
 	A nice piece of ass
 	Gets the B-Minor Mass ...
 All the others get Anglican hymns.
 %
-A clerical student named Pryne
-Through pain sought to reach the divine:
-	He wore a hair shirt,
-	Quite often ate dirt,
-And bathed every Friday in brine.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-A clever young man named Eugene
-Invented a jack-off machine.
-	On the twenty-third stroke
-	The fuckin' thing broke
-And beat both his balls to a creame.
-%
 A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica;
 most men know it's there, but few really care.
 %
-A cocksucking steno named Beeman
-Remarked as she swallowed my semen :
-	"On my minuscule salary
-	 I must watch every calorie,
-So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
-%
-A computer called Illiac4
-Had a rather tough bug in its core.
-	It chewed up its cards
-	And spewed yards and yards
-Of illegible tape on the floor.
-%
-A computer, to print out a fact,
-Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
-	But this output can be
-	No more than debris,
-If the input was short of exact.
-		-- Gigo
-%
-A contortionist hailing from Lynch
-Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
-	A foot cost a quid --
-	He could and he did
-Stretch it to three in a pinch.
-%
-A corpulent maiden named Kroll
-Had a notion exceedingly droll:
-	At a masquerade ball,
-	Dressed in nothing at all,
-She backed in as a Parker House roll.
-%
 A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.
 
 		[something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack?  Ed.]
@@ -2690,112 +2274,9 @@ penis."
 	The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled*
 that woman."
 %
-A couple was fishing near Clombe
-When the maid began looking quite glum,
-	And said, "Bother the fish!
-	I'd rather coish!"
-Which they did -- which was why they had come.
-%
-A cowhand way out in Seattle
-Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
-	He said, "No, I can't fuck
-	A lamb or a duck,
-But golly! it just fits the cattle."
-%
-A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
-And had an affair with a Saracen.
-	She was not oversexed,
-	Or jealous or vexed,
-She just wanted to make a comparison.
-%
-A CS student named Lin
-Had a prick the size of a pin
-	It was no good for girls
-	But just great for squirrels
-Who squealed with delight with it in.
-%
-A cute little twerp from Samoa
-Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
-	It was good for keyholes
-	And debutantes' peeholes
-But not worth a damn on a whoa.
-%
-A daredevil skater named Lowe,
-Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
-	But is proudest of doing,
-	Some incredible screwing,
-Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
-%
-A deep-throated virgin named Netty
-Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
-	She said, "It tastes nice,
-	Much better than rice,
-Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
-%
 A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.
 		-- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
 %
-A delighted, incredulous bride
-Remarked to her groom at her side :
-	"I never could quite
-	 Believe till tonight
-Our anatomies would coincide."
-%
-A dentist, young doctor Malone,
-Got a charming girl patient alone,
-	And, in his depravity,
-	Filled the wrong cavity.
-God, how his practice has grown.
-%
-A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
-With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
-	Let his third-story front,
-	To a willing young cunt,
-Who supplied him a new lease on life!
-%
-A desperate spinster from Clare
-Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
-	And prayed to her God
-	For a romp on the sod--
-'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
-%
-A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
-Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
-	As quick as a glance
-	He stripped off his pants,
-But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
-%
-A doctoral student from Buckingham
-Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
-	But a dropout from paree
-	Taught him Gamahuchee
-So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
-%
-A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
-Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
-	She blew her vagina
-	To South Carolina,
-And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
-
-A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
-Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
-	They found her vagina,
-	In South Carolina,
-And part of her ass in Brazil.
-%
-A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
-Whose overworked sex is all callous,
-	Wore the foreskin away
-	On uncircumcised Ray,
-Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
-%
-A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
-Wished to foster an aura of menace.
-	To make people afraid
-	He wore gloves of grey suede
-And white footgear intended for tennis.
-		-- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
-%
 A drunk was sitting at the end of the bar in a popular singles' place,
 watching a young, good-looking man working his way through the women.  The
 guy didn't appear to be having much luck, and he was only spending a few
@@ -2866,16 +2347,16 @@ with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces.  She invited him to come in and
 speak to the class.  The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with
 a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down.
 	"We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held
-territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 fokkers diving on us from above."
-At the first mention of `fokkers' the class giggled a little bit.
+territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 Fokkers diving on us from above."
+At the first mention of `Fokkers' the class giggled a little bit.
 	"Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting.  As we
-fought, we noticed 2 more fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more
-fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle".
-At this second and third mention of `fokkers' the class was almost laughing
+fought, we noticed 2 more Fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more
+Fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle".
+At this second and third mention of `Fokkers' the class was almost laughing
 openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain
-to the class that a 'fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the
+to the class that a 'Fokkers' was a particular type of plane flown by the
 German Air Force.
-	He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts".
+	He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these Fokkers were Messerschmidts".
 %
 A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which
 they hoped would prove to be the missing link.  The proof of their theory,
@@ -2887,13 +2368,6 @@ would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions.
 	"First," he said, "my wife must never know.  Second, any children
 must be baptized.  And, third, I'd have to pay in installments."
 %
-A guest in a household quite charmless
-Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
-	"If you're caught unawares
-	At the head of the stairs,
-Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
 A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest
 girl there.
 	"This is a very special frog," he informs her.  "His name is Charlie."
@@ -2918,36 +2392,10 @@ and repeats this sequence -- several times.  Finally the bartender got so
 curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing.
 	Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman."
 %
-A habit depraved and unsavory
-Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
-	Midst screeches and howls
-	He deflowered young owls
-Which he kept in an underground aviary
-%
-A habit obscene and bizarre,
-Has taken a-hold of papa.
-	He brings home young camels
-	And other odd mammals,
-And gives them a go at mama.
-%
-A hacker who screwed a mag tape
-Was caught and convicted of rape.
-	To jail he did go,
-	From which, to his woe
-He couldn't get out with ESC.
-%
-A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
-Made love to the drive of his disk.
-	The thing circumsized him,
-	Which rather surprised him.
-He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
-%
 A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush.
 %
 A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird.
 %
-A hard man is good to find.
-%
 A huge Rambolike fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of
 the bar.  After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his
 right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers.  Anyone have a problem with
@@ -2982,7 +2430,7 @@ worked.  Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams.
 A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.  When
 she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.  The man shouted,
 "What, no wool?  In my country all women have wool down there."
-	The prostitute snapped back,  "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
+	The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
 %
 A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
 the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska.  He drove for three days
@@ -3112,7 +2560,7 @@ another erection!"
 	"Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of
 course, have to be someone else's."
 %
-A man is as old as the woman he feels.
+A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
 		-- Groucho Marx
 %
 A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno.  By the roadside he
@@ -3212,12 +2660,6 @@ big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
 Martians have that?"
 	"Well, no," says the Martian.  "Not the *goyim*."
 %
-A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
-bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
-		-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
-%
-A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
-%
 A man never minds being in the doghouse
 as long as he can get his tail outside.
 %
@@ -3254,7 +2696,7 @@ longer and about an inch wider," the doctor says.
 	"Malignant."
 %
 A man was playing golf one day when a little frog hopped out the water at a
-water hazard and croaked,  "I am a magic frog, and since you are the 10,000th
+water hazard and croaked, "I am a magic frog, and since you are the 10,000th
 person to play through here, I'm prepared to offer you one of two magic gifts:
 First, for a whole year you can have the most fabulous sex life that anyone
 ever had; beyond your wildest dreams.  Or, second, for a whole year you can
@@ -3332,11 +2774,6 @@ there's just one little problem."
 %
 A midget had a date with a very tall girl.  It was a quiff-hanger.
 %
-A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good
-many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and
-the police.
-		-- Mr. Dooley
-%
 A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down,
 swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again.  The mouse worked
 his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole.
@@ -3385,9 +2822,6 @@ onlooker explained.  "Would you be willing to help?"
 	"Well, sure," replied the New Yorker.  "I suppose I could spare a
 gallon or two."
 %
-A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
-		-- Phyllis Schlafly
-%
 A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check
 out the local action.  He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk
 Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Acquavit or two.  After a few
@@ -3436,8 +2870,6 @@ daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't
 you?"
 	"Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger."
 %
-A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
-%
 A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time
 talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping.  The trade
 was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to
@@ -3464,9 +2896,6 @@ the next morning, he asked the octopus,
 	"Play it!" retorted the octopus. "I've been trying to lay it all
 night!"
 %
-A person who has both feet planted firmly
-in the air can be safely called a liberal.
-%
 A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed
 against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his
 hands.  He's moaning something about how "They took my car!"  Seeing that
@@ -3486,19 +2915,6 @@ A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
 %
 A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
 %
-A programmer down in Moline
-Said, I'm the match for any machine.
-	My secret's aversion,
-	To loops and recursion,
-Just acres of in-line routine.
-		-- W.J. Wilson
-%
-A progressive professor named Winners
-Held classes each evening for sinners.
-	They were graded and spaced
-	So the vile and debased
-Would not be held back by beginners.
-%
 A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
 over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
 	The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
@@ -3509,7 +2925,7 @@ might be made an Archbishop."
 	"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
 	"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
 	"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
-	Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I supose that I could
+	Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
 be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
 	"And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
 up from being the Pope?"
@@ -3548,7 +2964,7 @@ you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"
 A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary.  From
 his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,
 sewn, and is currently split down one side.  He asks the proprietor, "How much
-to replace this, Ian?"  The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'l be four
+to replace this, Ian?"  The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four
 pence."  Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?"  The prop. looks the
 condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair."  The Scotsman ponders
 for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."
@@ -3576,7 +2992,7 @@ As a gift they left a blue ribbon tied into a bow,
 Around the bonny star of the Scot's kilt lifting show.
 
 The Scot awoke to nature's call and stumbled to the trees.
-Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he see's.
+Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees.
 Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes,
 "Och, lad I dinna know whar' ya been, but I see ya won first prize."
 		-- Mike Cross, "The Scotsman"
@@ -3679,12 +3095,6 @@ but business is business."
 %
 A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa.
 %
-A trapper named Francois Lefebrve
-Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
-	The result of this fuck
-	Was a three titted duck,
-A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.
-%
 A traveling circus was performing in a small town, around the turn of the
 century, when many of the circus animals were still considered to be very
 rare and exotic.  One night one of the elephants escaped.  It was hungry
@@ -3720,7 +3130,7 @@ A witty writer, K. Kraus in the Vienna "Fackel", has as it were, expressed
 this truth paradoxically in the cynical saying: "Coitus is merely an
 unsatisfactory substitute for onanism!"
 		-- Sigmund Freud, attempting to explain why
-		masturbation is "by no means harmless"
+		   masturbation is "by no means harmless"
 %
 A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
 %
@@ -3766,9 +3176,6 @@ her mother returns they drive off.  The little girl comments:
 	"You *do*?"
 	"Yes," said the daughter. "Because you flunked sex!"
 %
-A woman is like a dresser... some man always goin' through her drawers.
-		-- Blind Lemon Pledge
-%
 A woman is like your shadow; follow her,
 she flies; fly from her, she follows.
 		-- Chamfort
@@ -3798,12 +3205,6 @@ love, without virtue, without sex.
 A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.
 		-- Pancho Villa
 %
-A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
-		-- Gloria Steinem
-%
-A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
-Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
-%
 A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long
 as he can.
 		-- Moms Mabley
@@ -3866,7 +3267,7 @@ received a telegram from their sister.  It read:
 
 	I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it.  I was amused
 	when the shower went cold five minutes after it started.  But I'm
-	going to kill whoever put the novicaine into the KY jelly...
+	going to kill whoever put the novacaine into the KY jelly...
 %
 A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive.
 %
@@ -3889,13 +3290,7 @@ And Carter was a farter,		By God, he was a dandy,
 Carter the farter would start her!	For conking in the brandy!
 %
 AC/DC is a rock band.
-                -- Bisexuality, 101
-%
-Achilles' Biological Findings:
-	(1)  If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.
-	     If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
-	(2)  A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
-	     -- the chicken or the egg.  It was undoubtedly the rooster.
+		-- Bisexuality, 101
 %
 Adam's Law:
 	(1)  Women don't know what they want;
@@ -4002,10 +3397,6 @@ After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
 %
 Ah spring, when a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over.
 %
-AI hackers do it robotically.
-%
-AI hackers do it with robots.
-%
 Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job.
 		-- Bobcat Goldthwait
 %
@@ -4036,9 +3427,6 @@ the popularity of this field of study in computer science.
 alimony, n:
 	Having an ex you can bank on.
 %
-All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ,
-a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm place to shift.
-%
 All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell
 them apart.
 %
@@ -4078,22 +3466,6 @@ He swam down to the bottom, he swam up to the top,
 Lulu got disgusted, and flushed him down the pot.
 		-- Princess
 %
-All things dull and ugly,		Each little snake that poisons,
-All creatures short and squat,		Each little wasp that stings,
-All things rude and nasty,		He made their brutish venom,
-The Lord God made the lot;		He made their horrid wings.
-
-All things sick and cancerous,		Each nasty little hornet,
-All evil great and small,		Each beastly little squid.
-All things foul and dangerous,		Who made the spikey urchin?
-The Lord God made them all.		Who made the sharks? He did.
-
-All things scabbed and ulcerous,
-All pox both great and small.
-Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
-The Lord God made them all.
-		-- Monty Python
-%
 All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar
 crime?  Who enjoys his job today?  You?  Me?  Anybody?  The only satisfying
 part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time.  Years ago
@@ -4164,8 +3536,8 @@ ambition, n:
 America ... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesman
 with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing
 anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.
-		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign
-		Trail"
+		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing:
+		   On the Campaign Trail"
 %
 America cannot be sold a can of beer without
 being offered a piece of pussy along with it.
@@ -4267,8 +3639,6 @@ Saw sartorial changes ahead.
 Soft fruit also filled him with dread.
 		-- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock"
 %
-An Army travels on her stomach.
-%
 An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized
 logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt.  Note that the anarchists have
 been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization.
@@ -4280,7 +3650,7 @@ Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone
 who has seen the Managing Director face on).
 		-- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout"
 %
-And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve?  The judgement of God
+And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve?  The judgment of God
 upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of
 criminal at the bar of justice.
 		-- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer
@@ -4344,9 +3714,9 @@ And she said, with a tear in her eye,
 And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought
 he was melting...
 %
-"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came
-upon his wife in bed with another man.  The wife turned and smiled at her
-companion.
+	"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband,
+as he came upon his wife in bed with another man.  The wife turned and
+smiled at her companion.
 	"See?" she said.  "I told you he was stupid!"
 %
 Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send out
@@ -4391,12 +3761,6 @@ bar.  He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could
 lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!"
 	From the back of the bar comes the cry...  "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!"
 %
-anxiety, n:
-	The first time you can't do it a second time.
-
-panic, n:
-	The second time you can't do it the first time.
-%
 Any girl who believes that the way to a man's heart is through
 his stomach is obviously setting her standards too high.
 %
@@ -4411,14 +3775,14 @@ Apple owners do it with mice!
 APPOINTMENT BOOK:
 	The reference of last resort when trying to duck undesired
 	invitations ("Gee, the soonest I can pencil you in is
-	December, 2004"), or when trying to figure out what the hell
+	December, 2009"), or when trying to figure out what the hell
 	it was you did during the past year.
 %
 Are there those in the land of the brave
 Who can tell me how I should behave
 	When I am disgraced
 	Because I erased
-	A file I intended to save?
+A file I intended to save?
 %
 ARIES (Mar. 21 to Apr. 19)
 	Be cheerful today. People who don't like you will outnumber those
@@ -4443,7 +3807,7 @@ was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed.
 %
 As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me.
 %
-As my dear autie used to say, "Love makes the world go 'round, but sex
+As my dear auntie used to say, "Love makes the world go 'round, but sex
 makes the ride fun."
 %
 As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier
@@ -4578,41 +3942,15 @@ B4 I4Q, RU/18 QT 3.14
 Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect.
 		-- Nicolas Chamfort
 %
-Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
-popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day:  a true red-
-blooded born and bred Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
-back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.  The city-slicker
-kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll
-give you $10 for a blow job."
-	The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and
-killed the city-slicker on the spot.  The lady gasped and said, "Thank
-you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"
-	Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell!
-No tenderfoot is gonna come 'round here raisin' the price of women in Texas!"
-%
 Balls Law:
 	The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat
 	of the meat provided that the thrusts of the busts are constant.
 %
-BALTIMORE:
-	Where the women wear turtleneck
-	sweaters to hide their flea collars.
-%
-Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
-%
-Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
-Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.
-Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
-Unless you get a good percentage of her price.
-		-- Tom Lehrer
-%
-BEAT ME, BITE ME, WHIP ME, FUCK ME!!!
-%
 Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks!
 %
 Beauty, n:
 	The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
 %
 Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.
 %
@@ -4636,30 +3974,18 @@ Bedfellows make strange politicians.
 beef stroganoff, n:
 	A bull masturbating.
 %
-"Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee, "I want to
-confess some affairs that I've had in the past."
+	"Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee,
+"I want to confess some affairs that I've had in the past."
 	"But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man
 replied.
 	"Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago."
 %
-Beifeld's Principle:
-	The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive
-	young female increases by pyramidical progression when he
-	is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a
-	better-looking and richer male friend.
-		-- R. Beifeld
-%
 Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals.
 To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.
 		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
 %
 Bend over and take it like a man!
 %
-Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
-For her life held no terrors.
-A virgin born, a virgin died:
-No hits, no runs, no errors.
-%
 Beneath this stone lies Murphy,
 They buried him today,
 He lived the life of Riley,
@@ -4675,9 +4001,6 @@ Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda.
 BETTER LATE THAN NEVER:
 	The single girl's motto.
 %
-Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
-		-- Mae West
-%
 Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
 %
 Bi now, gay later!
@@ -4768,7 +4091,7 @@ week was cut short by an ingenious device designed by two computer science
 students.  A three-foot bar of extruded aluminum was precisely machined,
 with a hole milled down the center of precisely the dimensions of one of
 the small Gideon bibles.  The end capped off, a CO2 canister was connected
-to provide up to 2,000 PSIG.  Prelimary estimates during field testing
+to provide up to 2,000 PSIG.  Preliminary estimates during field testing
 revealed a muzzle velocity of approximately 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting
 the tube.  Sufficient ammunition was obtained during a previous visit to
 campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on
@@ -4781,15 +4104,8 @@ brunette bush, n:
 bug, n:
 	A son of a glitch.
 %
-Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee
-Ingenuity did exactly that.  But their true stroke of genius was the new bait.
-The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about
-cheese, except mice.  But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with
-tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped.
-		-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
-%
-"But if it's 80% glucose, then why does it taste salty?"
-		-- Anonymous med school student.
+But if it's 80% glucose, then why does it taste salty?
+		-- Anonymous med school student
 %
 But they'll never mechanize me -- not me!
 Said Charlotte, the Louisville harlot.
@@ -4820,9 +4136,6 @@ Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus...
 callgirl, n:
 	A negotiable blond.
 %
-Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
-		-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
-%
 Camille's Axiom:
 	If you haven't asked yourself, "Why the hell did
 	I go to college anyway?", you must be teaching.
@@ -4846,8 +4159,6 @@ Fortune updates the great quotes: #53.
 	Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker,
 	and sex won't rot your teeth.
 %
-Captain Hook died of jock itch.
-%
 "Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty,"
 the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his
 client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is
@@ -4855,7 +4166,7 @@ a hole in the ground."
 %
 Catholicism has changed tremendously in the recent years.  Now when
 Communion is served there is also a salad bar.
-		-- Bill Marr
+		-- Bill Maher
 %
 Ce livre est dedie a Chagrin,		This book is dedicated to Chagrin,
 Qui fit un petit mannequin:		Who fashioned a small doll:
@@ -4864,8 +4175,6 @@ Qui fit un petit mannequin:		Who fashioned a small doll:
 En effet, absolument la fin.		In effect, the absolute end.
 		-- Edward Gorey
 %
-Chaste makes waste.
-%
 Chastity:
 	The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
 		-- Aldous Huxley
@@ -4890,23 +4199,6 @@ yeah."
 	He silently finished his drink and left.  The bartender said, "You
 know, even the transvestites in this town have five o'clock shadows."
 %
-Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
-Jack Frost ripping up your nose
-Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
-And folks dressed up like buffaloes
-Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
-Helps to make the season right
-Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
-Will find it hard to see tonight
-They know that Santa's on his way
-He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
-And every mother's child is sure to spy
-To see if reindeer really scream when they die
-And so I'm offering this simple phrase
-To kids from one to ninety two
-Although it's been said many times, many ways
-Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
-%
 Chorus:
 	I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war,
 	I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground,
@@ -4936,11 +4228,6 @@ committing them?
 		-- Jules Feiffer
 %
 CHRISTIAN:
-	One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
-	book, admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-CHRISTIAN:
 	One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far
 	as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
 %
@@ -4969,49 +4256,16 @@ Cinderella 10:
 %
 Clark Kent is a transvestite.
 %
-Clarke's Third Law:
-	Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
-	magic.
-
-G's Third Law:
-	In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
-	is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
-
-H's Dictum:
-	There is no magic ...
-%
-Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck,
-and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary.
-		-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
-%
 Cleveland still lives.  God MUST be dead.
 %
 clitoris, n:
 	A haired trigger.
 %
-CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
-
-Oh, give me a clone
-Of my own flesh and bone
-	With the Y chromosome changed to X.
-And when she is grown,
-My very own clone,
-	We'll be of the opposite sex.
-Chorus:
-	Clone, clone of my own,
-	With the Y chromosome changed to X.
-	And when we're alone,
-	Since her mind is my own,
-	She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
-		-- Randall Garrett
-%
 Close the door, let me give you what you've been waiting for!!
 %
 COCAINE:
 	The thinking man's Dristan.
 %
-Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
-%
 Cocaine isn't habit forming.  I should know -- I've been using it for years.
 		-- Tallulah Bankhead
 %
@@ -5027,8 +4281,6 @@ Coffee without caffeine.  Beer without alcohol.  Milk without fat.
 What's next?  Bridal suites with bunk beds?
 		-- Orben's Current Comedy
 %
-Coito ergo sum
-%
 coitus interruptus, n:
 	A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner)
 	"I want to have your child."
@@ -5097,17 +4349,11 @@ COMMENT:
 	six months later.  Only the weak-minded need them, according
 	to those who think they aren't.
 %
-Communists do it without class.
-%
 Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion.
 %
 computerfirm nymphomaniac, n:
 	Hot Apple pie.
 %
-Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
-
-	[Taking a shower in raincoat?  Ed.]
-%
 Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphragms.
 		-- Robin Williams
 %
@@ -5135,8 +4381,8 @@ Confucius say:
 	man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
 	man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
 	man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
-	man who lie under car, get tired -- man who stand behind car,
-		get exhausted.
+	man who lie under car, get tired
+	man who stand behind car, get exhausted.
 %
 Confucius say:
 	woman who put man in dog house find him in cat house.
@@ -5209,7 +4455,7 @@ But a real good time ...
 %
 Couples in motion have moments.
 %
-courage, n:
+Courage, n.:
 	Two cannibals having oral sex.
 %
 Cover your stump before you hump.
@@ -5249,7 +4495,7 @@ general understanding of science as an enterprise?
 crew, n:
 	Eight big men and their cute little cox.
 %
-Cried Miss Pratt : "What are you staring at?
+Cried Miss Pratt: "What are you staring at?
 I know - you don't have to say that!
 	All you guys want of me
 	Is a poke where I pee,
@@ -5269,8 +4515,8 @@ Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness.
 %
 Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
 %
-"Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-studies text,
-"what did you do during the sexual revolution?"
+	"Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-
+studies text, "what did you do during the sexual revolution?"
 	"Well, son," his father confided, "I guess you could say I was
 captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes."
 %
@@ -5293,20 +4539,17 @@ With a clitoris reaching six inches.
 Dames lie about anything -- just for practice.
 		-- Raymond Chandler
 %
-Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you?
-FIRST you rape, THEN you pillage!!
-%
 Damned if I know.  And you can be fuckin' sure I'll never rent no car
 from Avis again.
 		-- Herbie Sperling, on the meaning of two pistols and an
-		axe used in three murders being found in the trunk of his
-		rented car.
-
+		   axe used in three murders being found in the trunk of
+		   his rented car.
+%
 If you guys have a beef with her, that's her problem.  Don't lay it on
 me.  The old lady has to take care of her own weight.
 		-- Herbie Sperling, convicted heroin dealer, on being
-		arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house.
-
+		   arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house.
+%
 	At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time
 stand-up guy.
 	Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client.
@@ -5370,7 +4613,7 @@ sells narcotics.
 she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death.  I love
 this girl and want to marry her.  My problem is this -- dare I tell her
 about my brother who works for Illinois Bell?
-		-- Confused.
+		-- Confused
 %
 Dear Ann Landers:
 	My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday.  He claims
@@ -5378,14 +4621,6 @@ one minister said there are 350 different sins.  My husband wants to
 know if you can get the list.  He thinks he is missing something.
 		-- E.J. Mayfield
 %
-Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
-This visage meek and humble,
-And hear this confidential plea
-Voiced in reverent mumble:
-	Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
-	But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
-		-- Ansel Adams
-%
 Dear Miss Manners:
 Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face.
 
@@ -5437,19 +4672,6 @@ Did you hear about...
 Did you hear about...
 	the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
 %
-Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother
-her age?  She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't
-ask it again.  He then asked her her weight.  She, once again, told him that
-she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again.  The next
-question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced.  Once again, she told
-him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question
-again.
-	Some time later, she found him looking through her purse.  Sharply
-asking him what he was doing resulted in him beamingly telling her that he
-had found the answers to all of his questions!
-	"Mom", he said, "your driver's license says you're 34 years old, weigh
-125 pounds, and you and Daddy probably divorced 'cause you got an 'F' in sex!"
-%
 Did you hear about the nearsighted fetishist who got off on the wrong foot?
 %
 Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
@@ -5467,10 +4689,6 @@ Found the body.
 Did you know that some people your age have sex
 thirty-seven times in a week?  And die immediately after?
 %
-Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"?
-%
-Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
-%
 Dig it, first they killed those pigs, then they ate dinner in the same
 room with them, then they even shoved a fork in a victim's stomach.  Wild!
 		-- Bernadine Dohrn, on the Manson killings
@@ -5509,16 +4727,9 @@ And stopped the bastard,
 The bitch that bore him is in heat again.
 		-- Bertolt Brecht
 %
-Do something big -- fuck a giant.
-%
-"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
-"Who else?" answered the patient.
-%
 Do you smoke after sex?
 Why, do you know, I've never looked!
 %
-Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
-%
 Documentation is like sex:  when it is good, it is very,
 very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
 		-- Dick Brandon
@@ -5551,25 +4762,16 @@ idea that I'm knocking the American system.
 Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.
 		-- Woody Allen
 %
-Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
-		-- Bo Diddley
-%
 Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!!
 %
 Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse.
 %
-Dope will get you through times of no money
-better than money will get you through times of no dope!
-		-- Freewheelin' Franklin, "The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers"
-%
 Down by the old model T,
 Where she first showed it to me.
 	It was furry and black,
 	And she called it a crack,
 But it looked like a manhole to me.
 %
-Draft beer, not boys!
-%
 Dry fucking: that's man on top of woman, the action is the same as fucking,
 but you're dressed.  It's great for the girl... you're hitting and rubbing
 exactly the area that you ought to be... I still like that.
@@ -5625,31 +4827,9 @@ Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.
 Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.  The rest cheat in Europe.
 		-- Jackie Mason
 %
-Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
-	1)  Cucumbers can stay up all night,
-		and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot.
-	2)  Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
-	3)  You won't find out later that your cucumber
-		...is married
-		...is on penicillin
-		...likes you -- but loves your brother!
-	4)  A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
-	5)  A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
-	6)  Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
-	7)  Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
-	8)  A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
-	9)  Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
-	10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
-	11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
-%
 embarrassment, n:
 	Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap.
 %
-Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
-professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast
-as a male schlemiel.
-		-- Ewald Nyquist
-%
 Erogenous zone, n:
 	The skin you touch to love.
 %
@@ -5668,8 +4848,6 @@ Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
 	Said, "Girls on the way,
 But what the hell's a `panoe'?"
 %
-Evangelists do it with Him watching.
-%
 Even bytes get lonely for a little bit.
 %
 Evening hours "all clear" for romance!
@@ -5734,7 +4912,7 @@ cats.
 about it.
 	They keep reasonable hours.  You *never* see a cat up before noon.
 	They know how to relax.  Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer?
-	What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war?  Pretty neglible.
+	What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war?  Pretty negligible.
 It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to
 do with ones time.  Like lie in the sun and sleep.  Or go exploring the world.
 %
@@ -5801,15 +4979,6 @@ Feminism, n:
 %
 Feminists just want the human race to be a tie.
 %
-Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
-women.  They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
-handbags are full.
-		-- Earl Wilson
-%
-Fie for shame,
-you lascivious, lewd, lecherous,
-libidinous, lustful, licentious, dirty bum!!
-%
 Fig Newton.
 %
 Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
@@ -5858,12 +5027,6 @@ He's so neat, he's so cool,
 Walks across my swimming pool.
 Has anybody...
 %
-Flappity, floppity, flip
-The mouse on the Mobius strip;
-	The strip revolved,
-	The mouse dissolved
-In a chronodimensional skip.
-%
 Flirt, n:
 	A girl whose favorite man is the next one.
 %
@@ -5873,8 +5036,6 @@ A circus performer named Blair,
 	To the end of his cock,
 And shattered a balcony chair.
 %
-Floppy now, hard later.
-%
 Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest.  This cat allowed himself
 to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched
 by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really
@@ -5938,9 +5099,6 @@ Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
 	Each part of my person,
 Now do something -- there's a good boy!"
 %
-fornication, n:
-	Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
-%
 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#15
 
 Sex:
@@ -6062,7 +5220,7 @@ his daughter.  Your next move is to:
 FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #9
 
 You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
-in the plushest office you've ever seen.  The enchillada casserole and
+in the plushest office you've ever seen.  The enchilada casserole and
 egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
 Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
 bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.  You:
@@ -6207,10 +5365,6 @@ foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg.  Glancing down, he saw
 another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed.  She gazed up
 at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"
 %
-George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he
-also admitted doing it.  Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
-Because George still had the axe in his hand.
-%
 GEORGIA:
 	Where kinky sex means getting laid.
 %
@@ -6243,9 +5397,6 @@ GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!
 Get your bytes from our backend!
 		-- Britton Lee
 %
-Getting an education at the University of California
-is like having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
-%
 Getting Cheryl to shed her apparel
 Is like shooting goldfish in a barrel.
 	But her genital area
@@ -6323,12 +5474,8 @@ and the movie, and the rest of the evening is on her.
 %
 God is a polytheist.
 %
-God is an atheist.
-%
 God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's.
 %
-God is not dead -- he's been busted.
-%
 God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -- it says so right here
 on the label.  If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these
 divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you.  No
@@ -6337,23 +5484,8 @@ checks, please.  Cash and in small bills.
 %
 God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
 %
-God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
-%
 God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
 %
-God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
-%
-God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
-where to go.
-	"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
-	"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
-	"Well, how about Mercury?"
-	"No, it's too hot there."
-	"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
-	"No," sighed God, "They're such horrible gossips.  When I was
-there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
-still talking about it."
-%
 God wants us to know that if we see a bumper sticker saying "Honk if you love
 Jesus" it is a bad idea to honk to express an opinion about Jesus because it
 will annoy the turkey who put the bumper sticker on as well as everyone else
@@ -6410,10 +5542,8 @@ Don't both tie yourselves, even if you can manage it -- you might not be
 able to get loose.
 		-- The Joy of Sex
 %
-Good day for water sports.  Take a bath with a friend.
-%
 Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen!
-Here's a little number I tossed up in the Carribean recently...
+Here's a little number I tossed up in the Caribbean recently...
 
 Isn't it awfully nice to have a Penis,
 isn't it frightfully good to have a Dong.
@@ -6434,7 +5564,7 @@ you can stick it in your sock!
 But, don't take it out in public,
 or they will stick you in the dock,
 and you won't come back.
-                -- The Meaning of Life, Monty Python
+		-- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life"
 %
 good scout, n:
 	Someone who knows the lay of the land and will take you to her.
@@ -6456,16 +5586,8 @@ Gorbachev threw up the sash and again addressed the sun, "Good evening to
 you, Comrade Sun!".  Once more the great voice boomed out, "Fuck you,
 asshole!  I'm in the West now!"
 %
-Grain grows best in shit.
-		-- U.K. LeGuin
-%
 Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
 %
-Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
-%
-great lover, n:
-	A man who can breathe through his ears.
-%
 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21):  July 30, 1917
 
 On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then
@@ -6491,16 +5613,8 @@ HACKER:
 %
 Hackers do it bottom-up.
 %
-Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
-%
-Hackers do it with bugs.
-%
-Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
-%
 Hackers have kernel knowledge.
 %
-Hackers know all the right MOVs.
-%
 Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half
 are about penis size.  And what I want to know is, if all you're doing
 is jerking off, why do you care how big it is?
@@ -6526,14 +5640,6 @@ Hangover, n:
 HAPPINESS:
 	Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative.
 %
-Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to
-mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding.  The principal difference
-between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep
-or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts.  The husbandryman uses
-his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past.
-Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit.
-		-- Tom Robbins
-%
 Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, upon overhearing the
 22- year-old beauty remark that he was too old and out of shape for her.  The
 determined septuagenarian immediately embarked upon a rigorous self-improvement
@@ -6623,14 +5729,6 @@ He lights up the proceedings,
 And raises the temperature.
 		-- The Birthday Party, "Sonny's Burning"
 %
-Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
-for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
-attempts... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
-as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
-Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
-finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
-		-- R.E. Masters
-%
 Having lost his potency years before, the octogenarian was desperate to
 satisfy his new 18-year-old wife.  He visited a gypsy woman with magical
 powers.
@@ -6723,12 +5821,6 @@ great!"
 	The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'!  You shoulda been here
 a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!"
 %
-He hated to mend, so young Ned
-Called in a cute neighbor instead.
-	Her husband said, "Vi,
-	When you stitched up his torn fly,
-Did you have to bite off the thread?"
-%
 He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy
 Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy.
 	Then his gargantuan pole in
@@ -6748,18 +5840,8 @@ He was the world's only armless sculptor.  He put the chisel in his mouth
 and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet.
 		-- Fred Allen
 %
-He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor --
-Hell, they HAD to make him President of the United States.
-It's the only job he's qualified for!
-		-- Michael Cain
-%
 He who farts in church must sit in his own pew.
 %
-He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot,
-pink damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
-%
-He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
-%
 He who trains his tongue to quote the learned
 sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.
 		-- Howard Kandel
@@ -6803,11 +5885,6 @@ Hear about...
 	the careless contortionist who accidentally swallowed his pride?
 %
 Hear about...
-	the cinema buff that's very excited by current trends in films?
-	The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
-	which end it will be.
-%
-Hear about...
 	the compulsive gambler who drove to Las Vegas, pulled up to
 	a parking meter, put a dime in -- and lost his car?
 %
@@ -6819,7 +5896,7 @@ Hear about...
 	wrong foot?
 %
 Hear about...
-	the doctor that prescribed sex for insommia?  His patients didn't
+	the doctor that prescribed sex for insomnia?  His patients didn't
 	get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake.
 %
 Hear about...
@@ -6839,7 +5916,7 @@ Hear about...
 	fired them?
 %
 Hear about...
-	The fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed
+	the fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed
 	her between the limbs?
 %
 Hear about...
@@ -6978,7 +6055,7 @@ Hear about...
 	the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle?
 %
 Hear about...
-	the perverted australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney?
+	the perverted Australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney?
 %
 Hear about...
 	the poor Greek fisherman who got his upper torso wedged into
@@ -7098,7 +6175,7 @@ Hello, children!!
 	the ******** ******* *** into six or seven pairs.
 %
 Help!  I'm a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body!
-                -- Bisexuality, 101
+		-- Bisexuality, 101
 %
 Help Stamp Out Rape!  (Say Yes.)
 %
@@ -7117,24 +6194,9 @@ Had morals the city might soften.
 	Are you living in sin?"
 Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often."
 %
-Her kisses left something to be desired: the rest of her.
-%
 Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin',
 Just gave birth to another Texan.
 %
-Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with the issue
-of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul Stevens came up with
-the famous quotation about how he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it
-when he saw it.  So for a while, the court's policy was to have all the
-suspected pornography trucked to Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it
-over.  "Nope, this isn't it," he'd say.  "Bring some more."  This went on until
-one morning when his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under
-an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a ruling
-stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except that it was
-illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the
-court was going to take a nap.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-%
 Here's a toast to Screwy Dick,
 The man who was born with a corkscrew prick.
 He spent his life in a futile hunt,
@@ -7225,7 +6287,7 @@ His shy bride admitted to Crandall
 That for years she'd worked off with a candle,
 	But a cock like his dick
 	Gave her ten times the kick,
-Though it stained her wee peehole to handle!
+Though it strained her wee peehole to handle!
 %
 Home is where the hurt is.
 		-- Strange de Jim
@@ -7262,14 +6324,9 @@ Jewish, when the sun's real name is Sol?
 %
 How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection?
 %
-How do you like the new America?  We've cut the fat out of the
-government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
-gone some time ago).  All we seem to have left now is muscle.
-We'll be lucky to escape with our skins!
-%
 How should they answer?
 		-- Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) in reply to the question
-		"Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?"
+		   "Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?"
 %
 How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers?
 Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room.
@@ -7280,29 +6337,20 @@ HOW TO REMOVE STAINS -- #28
 	be sure to turn the power off if you have to clean between
 	the keys.
 %
-Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
-		-- John Valby
-%
-Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
-%
 Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the
 bush, shoot more often and *always* eat what they shoot.
 %
-Hypocrisy is the vaseline of social intercourse.
+Hypocrisy is the Vaseline of social intercourse.
 %
 hypocrite, n:
 	A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy.
 %
-I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this
-country what it once was... an arctic wilderness.
-		-- Steve Martin
-%
 I bet you think you're pretty cool driving around without auto insurance.
 You're probably saying to yourself, "I'm beating the system."  But what's
 going to happen when you get pulled over and lose your license because
 you're not insured.  What girl's going to ride shotgun on a ten-speed on
 a Saturday Night?  Yeah, you're going to be beating more than the system...
-		-- auto insurance ad, heard on KNAC, Long Beach.
+		-- auto insurance ad, heard on KNAC, Long Beach
 %
 I call Christianity the one great curse, the one enormous and innermost
 perversion, the one great instinct of revenge, for which no means are
@@ -7317,8 +6365,6 @@ about Communism.  We can't restrain him when he's angry -- and he has his
 hand on the nuclear button."
 		-- Richard Nixon
 %
-I came; I saw; I fucked up.
-%
 I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan prostitute
 dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very bored with washing
 and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after relentless day.
@@ -7370,12 +6416,9 @@ And we're set for a sexy soiree!"
 I don't care who you are, Fatso.  Get those reindeer off my roof.
 %
 I don't discriminate on the basis of sex.
-                -- Bisexuality, 101
+		-- Bisexuality, 101
 
-        [An equal opportunity lover?  Ed.]
-%
-I don't drink water; fish fuck in it.
-		-- W.C. Fields
+		[An equal opportunity lover?  Ed.]
 %
 I don't give a shit what happens.  I want you all to stonewall it.  Let
 them plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up, or anything else if it'll save
@@ -7427,23 +6470,13 @@ Italians -- they're so Jewish.
 %
 I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...
 boy, were they mad!
-		-- Stephen Wright
+		-- Steven Wright
 %
 I had a virgin once.  I had to go to Florida for her.  She was twelve
 years old, blind in one eye, and carried a stuffed alligator labeled
 "Made in Taiwan".
 		-- The Stunt Man
 %
-I have a funny daddy
-Who goes in and out with me
-And everything that baby does
-Daddy's sure to see,
-And everything that baby says,
-My daddy's sure to tell.
-You must have read my daddy's verse.
-I hope he fries in Hell.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
 "I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls,"
 the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for
 the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that
@@ -7504,13 +6537,9 @@ I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire -- God wouldn't trust
 an Englishman in the dark.
 		-- Duncan Spaeth
 %
-I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
-%
 I married an Italian girl; the way you marry an Italian girl in my family
 is to bring a New Yorker home first.
 %
-I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position.
-%
 I met a young man in Chungking
 Who had a very long thing --
 	But you'll guess my surprise
@@ -7533,21 +6562,12 @@ But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!"
 %
 I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty.
 %
-I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
-		-- Lyndon Baines Johnson
-%
 I once had the wife of a Dean
 Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'.
 	She remarked with some gaiety,
 	"Not bad for the laiety,
 Though the Bishop once managed thirteen."
 %
-I once met a lassie named Ruth
-In a long distance telephone booth.
-	Now I know the perfection
-	Of an ideal connection
-Even if somewhat uncouth.
-%
 I once was annoyed by a queer
 Who made his intentions quite clear.
 	Said I, "I'm no prude,
@@ -7555,19 +6575,15 @@ Who made his intentions quite clear.
 But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed."
 %
 I only date queers.
-                -- Bisexuality, 101
+		-- Bisexuality, 101
 
-        [I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is!  Ed.]
+		[I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is!  Ed.]
 %
 I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms.  What a giftless
 bastard!  It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed
 as a genius.  Why, in comparison with him, Riff is a genius.
 		-- Tchaikovsky, October 9, 1886, diary entry
 %
-I regret to say that we are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital
-intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.
-		-- J. Edgar Hoover
-%
 I shot a query into the net.
 I haven't got an answer yet,		A posted message called me rotten
 But seven people gave me hell		For ignoring mail I'd never gotten;
@@ -7588,15 +6604,6 @@ I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around
 with his secretary.  If it's somebody else's secretary, fine.
 		-- Barry Goldwater
 %
-I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass.
-		-- Senator Barry Goldwater, commenting on Jerry Falwell's
-		   suggestion that all good Christians should be against
-		   Sandra Day O'Connor's nomination to the Supreme Court
-%
-I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse
-than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa.
-		-- Frank Zappa
-%
 I think the Mormon prophet
 Was a very funny man.
 I wonder how his wives enjoyed
@@ -7605,22 +6612,6 @@ His Prophet Sharing Plan.
 I thought Jackie O. was something you did in the bathroom.
 		-- Strange de Jim
 %
-I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about faeces.  What a lot we
-had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized
-dung of long-vanished animals.  A miraculous thing, really; a recovery
-from the past from what was carelessly rejected.  And in the Middle
-Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were
-with the faeces of animals.  And what a variety of names they had for
-them:  the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of
-an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets
-of a Deer.  Surely there might be some words for the material so near
-to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit?
-What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a
-Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian,
-the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties
-of an Untenured Professor?
-		-- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
-%
 I want a girl that can swallow my pride.
 		-- Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess"
 %
@@ -7646,8 +6637,8 @@ dam by ourselves!  But do they call me `Dimitri the dam builder?'  Hell, no!"
 that house?  I built that for my wife with my own two hands!  But do they
 call me `Dimitri the home builder'?  No!  But just one little sheep!"
 %
-"I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown bear
-grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun.  He picked it up
+	"I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown
+bear grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun.  He picked it up
 and stuck it in my back."
 	"What did you do?"
 	"What *could* I do?  I married his daughter."
@@ -7701,10 +6692,6 @@ So why leave her to me, you big dunce?
 %
 I wouldn't fuck her with your prick.
 %
-I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of
-having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
-		-- R. Geis
-%
 I'd like to give the world a hug
 And tell it jokes and stuff
 And pull its pants down to its knees
@@ -7716,10 +6703,9 @@ Then leave it out at Moose Grin Hall
 With our cousin who's deranged ...
 		-- National Lampoon, to an old Coke commercial
 %
-I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
 %
-"I'd like to start a new religion.  One that doesn't use a dead young
-man as its logo."
+I'd like to start a new religion.  One that doesn't use a dead young
+man as its logo.
 		-- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
 %
 I'd rather have fingers than toes,
@@ -7755,8 +6741,6 @@ jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth.
 If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy,
 would He have made it look like a taco?
 %
-If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
-%
 If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.
 		-- George Carlin
 %
@@ -7796,20 +6780,8 @@ If Jesus Christ came to this town, people would say, great guy; terrible
 carpenter.
 		-- Gene Kirkwood, on Hollywood
 %
-If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot
-to send it.  But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think
-the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail.  And if *fifty*
-pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get
-lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken!  And if 1Gb of mail gets
-lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa [ucbarpa.berkeley.edu] is down and
-think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive
-Net Mail ...
- 		-- Casey Leedom
-%
 If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon.
 %
-If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
-%
 If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads.
 %
 If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to
@@ -7819,14 +6791,6 @@ masturbate.
 If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country.
 		-- Mel Brooks
 %
-If sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong.
-%
-If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
-suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra.  But it is
-only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them
-in 1966, only two went back to women.
-		-- Mort Sahl
-%
 If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em.
 If they can, then fuck 'em.
 %
@@ -7905,8 +6869,8 @@ Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure,
 	Toujours ouverte la porte,
 Encore, et encore, et encore.
 %
-"I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor business ain't
-doin' too well.  I ain't sold one all month.
+	"I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor
+business ain't doin' too well.  I ain't sold one all month.
 	"You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied.  "The other day, I went
 out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she
 always does.  So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters.  When I sat
@@ -7951,20 +6915,6 @@ Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is
 dropped.
 		-- Franklyn Ajaye
 %
-I'm going to Iowa for an award.  Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
-it's sold out.  Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
-government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-I'm Jewish.  Count Basie's Jewish.  Ray Charles is Jewish.  Eddie Cantor's
-goyish.  The B'nai Brith is goyish.  The Hadassah is Jewish.  Marine Corps
--- heavy goyish, dangerous.  Kool-Aid is goyish.  All Drake's Cakes are
-goyish.  Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
-Instant potatoes -- goyish.  Black cherry soda's very Jewish. Macaroons are
-very Jewish.  Fruit salad is Jewish.  Lime Jell-O is goyish.  Lime soda is
-very goyish.  Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won't go near them.
-		-- Lenny Bruce
-%
 I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways.
 		-- J.F. Kennedy
 %
@@ -7974,26 +6924,26 @@ I'm just a'plucking pheasants
 'Til the pheasant plucker comes.
 		-- The Irish Rovers
 %
-"I'm not against women.  Not often enough, anyway."
+I'm not against women.  Not often enough, anyway.
 		-- NPR
 %
 I'm not laughing behind your back; everything funny is in front!
 		-- Rodney Dangerfield's wife
 %
 I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here
-		-- Song title by Stephen Bishop.
+		-- Song title by Stephen Bishop
 
 She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft
-		-- Song title by Jerry Reed.
+		-- Song title by Jerry Reed
 
 When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room Will I Be Too Old to Care?
-		-- Song title by Lewis Grizzard.
+		-- Song title by Lewis Grizzard
 
 I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling
-		-- Unattributed song title.
+		-- Unattributed song title
 
 Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life
-		-- Unattributed song title.
+		-- Unattributed song title
 %
 I'm sorry I'm late folks, I just got out of jail.  I tried to change my
 girlfriend's name.  Yeah, I went down to the hall of records.  I said, "I'd
@@ -8108,26 +7058,6 @@ that "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time
 ago."
 		-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
 %
-In the beginning was the DEMO Project.  And the Project was without form.
-And darkness was upon the staff members thereof.  So they spake unto
-their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."
-
-And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
-"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof."
-Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying,
-"It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none
-may abide before it."  And it came to pass that the Directorate Head
-spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel
-of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength."
-
-And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical
-Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is
-very strong."  And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the
-Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
-growth of the Laboratories."
-
-And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good!
-%
 In the romantic days of Warsaw, Viennese whores were known for their
 beauty and delicacy.  A gallant officer picked up one such lady of the
 evening, who took him to her apartment.  They made delicious love all
@@ -8163,16 +7093,10 @@ kissing on every pitch.  He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's
 kissing him on the balls.
 		-- Harry Caray, a Chicago sportscaster
 %
-Incest, n:
-	Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy.
-%
 Infatuation, n:
 	When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat.
 	When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants.
 %
-In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
-is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
-%
 ====================
 Inter-Dwarf Memo
 To: Dwarf-list
@@ -8180,7 +7104,7 @@ From: Doc
 Re: S. White
 
 	If that bitch cleans one more thermometer with Ajax, I'm gonna kill
-her.   I'll give her apples, nice big apples.  With surprises inside. Yeah,
+her.  I'll give her apples, nice big apples.  With surprises inside. Yeah,
 surprises.
 %
 ====================
@@ -8202,9 +7126,6 @@ in second," Palmer replied.
 	"You mean to tell me Shamir beat you?"
 	"No, Your Holiness.  Rabbi Nicklaus did."
 %
-It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
-classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
-%
 It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and
 it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight
 into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
@@ -8393,9 +7314,9 @@ you," he said to a fourth mouse, "what did you think?"
 	"To tell you the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs;
 I'm a tit mouse myself."
 %
-It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a romantic haze.
-"Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last.  It's all like a wonderful
-dream!"
+	It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a
+romantic haze.  "Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last.
+It's all like a wonderful dream!"
 	Her husband didn't answer.  A few moments passed.  She sighed again
 and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true."
 	Still no response from her spouse.  Another pause and another
@@ -8470,7 +7391,7 @@ It's a bitch being butch.
 It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything
 on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married.
 %
-It's a question of Napleon brandy versus Ripple.
+It's a question of Napoleon brandy versus Ripple.
 I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth.
 		-- Rita Moreno, commenting in Newsweek on the sex appeal
 		   of older women versus younger women
@@ -8479,7 +7400,8 @@ I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth.
 in the wee, small hours.  "Afterward, I feel so compromised, so cheap, so
 soiled... so absolutely wonderful from head to toe!"
 %
-It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
+It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who
+gets tied up.
 		-- Joan Rivers
 %
 It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.
@@ -8553,12 +7475,15 @@ I couldn't ask for more,
 She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed,
 And owns a liquor store.
 %
-I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket.
+I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
 		-- Lyndon B. Johnson
 
+I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket.
+		-- Lyndon B. Johnson
+%
 Don't see 'em this big out here, do they?
-		-- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters in a
-		public toilet during a tour of the Far East
+		-- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters
+		   in a public toilet during a tour of the Far East
 %
 Jack an Jill went up the hill.
 Jill went down,
@@ -8579,15 +7504,9 @@ When he set out to shaft her.		Since Jack led Jill to totter.
 %
 Jack and Jill went up the hill
 Each had a buck and a quarter.
-Jill came down with two and a half --
-And you thought that they went for water.
-%
-Jack and Jill
-Went up the hill,
-Each had a buck and a quarter!
-Jill came down,
-With two and a half,
-You think they went for water?
+Jill came down with two-fifty
+That fuckin' whore.
+		-- Andrew "Dice" Clay
 %
 Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.
 Jack jumped over the candle stick,
@@ -8601,8 +7520,6 @@ So Jack's in the hospital, with a burned up dick!
 %
 Jehovah is an alien and still threatens this planet!
 %
-Jesus died for your sins... make it worth his time.
-%
 Jesus has just stopped the crowd from stoning Mary Magdalene to death
 and is berating the self-pious with the famous speech, "Let the one
 among you who is without sin cast the first stone..."
@@ -8619,18 +7536,12 @@ Jesus Never Fails
 
 (He's never taken the Massachusetts Bar Exam, either.)
 %
-Jesus Saves!
-
-(And Esposito scores on the rebound!)
-%
 Jesus Saves,
 Moses Invests,
 But only Buddha pays Dividends.
 %
-Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
-%
 Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food.
-		-- From the movie "My Favorite Year".
+		-- From the movie "My Favorite Year"
 %
 Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were
 on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink.
@@ -8667,13 +7578,6 @@ crucified in the morning.
 Kansas, where the men are men, the sheep
 are scared and the women are grateful.
 %
-kasha, n:
-	Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats".  There's only one
-	problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"?
-	I know what they are -- they're kasha.  But that doesn't help you
-	much.
-		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
 Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
 	Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex
 	for the students, and parking for the faculty.
@@ -8740,7 +7644,7 @@ into his pants and pull out another morsel of meat, it swooped down, hungrily
 grasping the new mouthful in its bill.  Lorenz howled in pain.  But the event
 left a deep impression on him -- about how faithfully animals respond to
 intention movements, that is.
-		-- The Sciences, May/June, 1988, N.Y. Academy of Science.
+		-- The Sciences, May/June, 1988, N.Y. Academy of Science
 %
 Kotex, n:
 	Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best.
@@ -8767,8 +7671,6 @@ Pro:	"That's going to real tough to treat."
 lagnaf, n:
 	Let's All Get Naked And Fuck!
 %
-Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
-%
 "Last night,"  said a lassie named Ruth,
 "In a long-distance telephone booth,
 	I enjoyed the perfection
@@ -8802,11 +7704,11 @@ It could put an end to your political career!
 (chorus)
 		-- Poor Mary Jo, to the tune of "Proud Mary"
 %
-"Lemme show ya the odds, Sparky...  In yer country, ya got 14 million black
-people, and 3 million white people.  Now, does the name `Custer' mean anything
-to you?"
-		-- Robin Williams, portraying Lester Maddox talking to Prime
-		   Minister Botha of South Africa.
+Lemme show ya the odds, Sparky...  In yer country, ya got 14 million
+black people, and 3 million white people.  Now, does the name "Custer"
+mean anything to you?
+		-- Robin Williams, portraying Lester Maddox talking to
+		   Prime Minister Botha of South Africa.
 %
 Les salons de la ville de Trieste
 Sont vaseux, suraigus, at funestes;
@@ -8847,9 +7749,6 @@ Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks and a wife that don't.
 Life is like a cucumber -- one moment it's
 in your hand, the next it's up your ass.
 %
-Life is like a penis: when it's soft you
-can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked.
-%
 Life is like a shit sandwich.  The more bread
 you have, the less shit you have to eat.
 %
@@ -8879,14 +7778,12 @@ Lisp hackers
 	... do it with tail recursion.
 	... first do it in the front, then do it in the back.
 	... have DEFUN while doing it.
-	... have to be bound to do it.
 	... have Moby dicks.
 %
-Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
-%
 Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper.
 %
-Little Boy Blew... he needed the money.
+Little Boy Blue -- He needed the money.
+		-- Andrew "Dice" Clay
 %
 LITTLE DEATH: (la petite mort) Some women do indeed pass right out, the
 'little death' of French poetry.  Men occasionally do the same.  The
@@ -8932,7 +7829,8 @@ Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet,
 Eating her curds and whey.
 Along came a spider,
 Who sat down beside her,
-And said, "What's in the bowl, bitch?"
+And said, "Hey, what's in the bowl, bitch?"
+		-- Andrew "Dice" Clay
 %
 Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
 Her knickers all tattered and torn.
@@ -9095,10 +7993,6 @@ And every time she let it out,
 The bulldog used to
 Chase it around the garden.
 %
-Mary had a little lamb,
-The lamb turned out to be a ram,
-Now Mary has a little lamb.
-%
 Mary had a little sheep,
 And with the sheep she went to sleep,
 The sheep turned out to be a ram,
@@ -9126,30 +8020,19 @@ masturbation, n:
 %
 Math is to physics like masturbation is to sex.
 %
-Mathematicians
-	... do it in groups.
-	... do it in theory.
-	... take it to the limit.
+Mathematicians do it in groups.
 %
 Mathematicians do it with a small, imaginary part.
 %
-Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
-described as being n-dimensional.  Like modern sex, any number can play.
-		-- James Blish, "Beep/The Quincunx of Time"
-%
 May a deranged midget on a pogo stick
 take refuge in your sister's hoop skirt.
 %
-May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
-%
 May all the boys you fall in love with fall in love with boys themselves.
 %
 May all the girls you fall in love with fall in love with girls themselves.
 %
 May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H.
 %
-May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
-%
 Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low
 opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer!
 %
@@ -9209,13 +8092,6 @@ Afflicted with psychotic warps.
 	Is to bugger a nun,
 And then vomit all over the corpse.
 %
-Megaton Man:	"LOOK at them!  Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
-		ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"
-
-(from below):	"Move your ASS, Fat-head!"
-
-Megaton Man:	"It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
-%
 Men -- can't live with 'em, can't leave
 'em by the curb when you're done.
 %
@@ -9262,17 +8138,17 @@ Mickey Mouse has a long talk one day with a psychiatrist, after which
 the psychiatrist interviews Minnie Mouse.  A few days later Mickey meets
 with the psychiatrist, and the following conversation ensues:
 
-Sigmund : I talked with Minnie after talking with you.
-Mickey  : Oh?
-Sigmund : I couldn't find anything wrong with her -- she isn't insane.
-Mickey  : Idiot!  I didn't say she was insane -- I said she was
-		fuckin' Goofy.
+Sigmund: I talked with Minnie after talking with you.
+Mickey:  Oh?
+Sigmund: I couldn't find anything wrong with her -- she isn't insane.
+Mickey:  Idiot!  I didn't say she was insane -- I said she was
+	 fuckin' Goofy.
 %
 Miguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote.  Milton wrote Paradise Lost, then his
 wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
 %
-"Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's
-testicles for a bet...  God, that bloody sheep kicked him!"
+Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's
+testicles for a bet...  God, that bloody sheep kicked him!
 		-- Ripping Yarns
 %
 Missed the train at the railway station
@@ -9280,9 +8156,6 @@ Oh hell, blast, and damnation!
 Asked a lady in there if she had the time,
 She said "Yes", and a strong inclination.
 %
-Missionary position:
-	The missionary on top.
-%
 Mistress Mary, quite contrary,
 How does your garden grow?
 With silver bells and cockle shells,
@@ -9313,9 +8186,6 @@ her, reached out, and squeezed her breast.
 	"Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Morris won't be here
 for breakfast tomorrow."
 %
-Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss
-out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel.
-%
 Most men would never get laid if it weren't for the pity fuck.
 %
 Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
@@ -9327,10 +8197,6 @@ to be otherwise.
 %
 Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some.
 %
-Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
-	Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis:
-	it stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
-%
 Moustache rides, 50 cents.
 %
 Mr. Rection, Mr. Hugh G. Rection, please pick up a white courtesy telephone!
@@ -9368,32 +8234,25 @@ Murphy's Discovery:
 	everything will be all right."  And what happens?  Nine
 	months later, you're in trouble!
 %
-Musing on her present and past professions as "dominant/sadomasichism
+Musing on her present and past professions as "dominant/sadomasochism
 fantasy fulfiller" and dental hygienist, Sybil said, "I couldn't really
 understand why I wanted to be a dental hygienist, but years later, after
 being in the SM world a long time, I figured it out:  I'm in uniform,
 they're not.  I'm standing up, they're lying down.  I'm doing painful
-things to them for their own good.   This is so ME."
+things to them for their own good.  This is so ME."
 		-- The Daily Cal, September 29, 1992 In an article titled:
-	           "Kinky sex remains alive and whipping despite threat
+		   "Kinky sex remains alive and whipping despite threat
 		    of AIDS, book reveals"
 %
 My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer
 dahlias.
 		-- William Allen White
 %
-My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet.
-He goes around with his head stuck up his ass.
-%
 My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus.  They put him
 in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was
 Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.
 		-- T. Bywater
 %
-My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
-family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
-		-- Alexandre Dumas
-%
 My girlfriend's favorite erotic position is bending over my credit cards.
 %
 My godda bless, never I see sucha people.
@@ -9403,13 +8262,6 @@ My idea of a wild party is where you throw the girls' panties at the wall
 and they stick.
 		-- Johnny Bob
 %
-My jaw aches, my pussy is sore.
-I simply can't fuck any more;
-	I'm covered with sweat,
-	And you haven't come yet,
-And my God, it's a quarter to four!
-		-- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
-%
 My mother didn't breast-feed me.  She said she liked me as a friend.
 		-- Rodney Dangerfield
 %
@@ -9501,25 +8353,17 @@ incest, n:
 necrophilia, n:
 	Dropping in for a cold one.
 %
-Need to buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
-Try Fredricks of Ithaca, New York.
-%
 Negotiate my ass, let's kill something!
 %
 Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane.
 		-- Gordon Cooper
 %
-"Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work!  Why do you think I CAME here?"
-"Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure."
+	"Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work!"
+	"Why do you think I CAME here?"
+	"Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure."
 %
 Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds.
 %
-NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
-	"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on
-a short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
-promptly to avoid extended waits.  (We are still awaiting shipment of
-our "Big John" doll.)
-%
 New book out from Gary Hart; "Six Inches from the White House".
 %
 New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation;
@@ -9587,9 +8431,6 @@ Non Illegitemus Carborundum.
 Not everyone has a one-track mind.
 		-- From a Bisexuality 101 talk
 %
-Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
 nothing, adj:
 	A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose.
 %
@@ -9653,8 +8494,6 @@ Obscene?  Obscene is young men being trained to drop fire on people, but
 their commanders not allowing them to write "fuck" on their airplanes
 because it's obscene.
 %
-Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
-%
 Oden the bardling averred
 His muse was the bum of a bird,
 	And his Lesbian wife
@@ -9700,7 +8539,7 @@ It's no use explain'n, the one remaining,
 It landed by the kitchen door.
 Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog rover,
 that ain't gonna walk no more...
-		-- Tune is something about a four-leaf clover.
+		-- Tune is something about a four-leaf clover
 %
 Oh John, let's not park here.
 Oh John, let's not park.
@@ -9762,15 +8601,6 @@ Everywhere a chick-chick,
 Old McDonald lost his farm
 'Cause he had too many chicks!
 %
-Old McDonald had a farm,
-E-I-E-I-O
-And on this farm he had some chicks,
-E-I-E-I-O
-With a chickie-poo here, and a chickie-poo there,
-Here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a whoop-ti-doo,
-Old McDonald lost his farm,
-'Cause he had too many chicks.
-%
 Old mercenaries never die.  They go to hell and regroup.
 %
 Old Mother Hubbard lived in a shoe,
@@ -9778,20 +8608,20 @@ She had so many children,
 She didn't know what to do.
 So she moved to Atlanta.
 %
-Old Mother Hubbard,
-Went to the cubbard,
-To get her poor doggie a bone.
-
-But when she stooped over,
-Old Rover, he drove her.
-You see, he had a bone of his own.
+Old Mother Hubbard
+Went to the cupboard
+To get her poor dog a bone.
+When she bent over,
+Her Rover took over
+And she got a bone of her own.
+		-- Andrew "Dice" Clay
 %
 Olmstead's Law:
 	After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
 %
 On a cannibal isle near Malaysia
 Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
-	Not russian elite-
+	Not Russian elite-
 	She's eager to eat
 Whatever or whoever lays her.
 %
@@ -9872,12 +8702,6 @@ Once a woman has given you her heart you
 can never get rid of the rest of her.
 		-- Vanbrugh
 %
-Once a young gay from Khartoum,
-Took a lesbian up to his room.
-	They argued all night
-	Over who had the right
-To do what, and with which, and to whom.
-%
 Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD.  I fought like hell
 for them.  But another group came along and exposed the word of my group
 as shallow and degenerate.  They had a better word.  So I quit the first
@@ -9939,21 +8763,6 @@ down."
 	So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no,
 you're not!  You're going to eat me just like the story says!"
 %
-Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
-fly south for the winter.  However, soon after the weather turned cold,
-the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
-After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
-earth in a barnyard almost frozen.  A cow passed by and crapped on this
-little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
-warmed him and defrosted his wings.  Warm and happy the little sparrow
-began to sing.  Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
-chirping investigated the sounds.  As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
-he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
-There are three morals to this story:
-1)	Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
-2)	Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
-3)	If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
-%
 Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley.  He'd do pushups and
 somersaults and limber up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around
 on their fat asses not doing a thing.  One day, one of them became curious
@@ -10090,17 +8899,17 @@ inquired.
 	Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen.
 	"Because he likes to fuck pigs."
 %
-"One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most
-gorgeous blond chinese girl... I sat beside her... I said 'Hi,' and she
-said 'Hi,' and then I said 'Nice day, isn't it,' and she said 'Yeah, I
-guess'... I said 'What do you mean "you guess"?'... she said 'I saw my
-analyst today and he says I have a problem.'... so I asked 'What's the
-problem?'... she replied 'I can't tell you, I don't even know you.'...
-I said 'Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect
-stranger on a bus.'  So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac
-and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane.'  I said,
-'Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein.'"
-		-- Stephen Wright
+One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most
+gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her... I said "Hi," and she
+said "Hi," and then I said "Nice day, isn't it," and she said "Yeah, I
+guess"... I said "What do you mean 'you guess?'"... she said "I saw my
+analyst today and he says I have a problem."... so I asked "What's the
+problem?"... she replied "I can't tell you, I don't even know you."...
+I said "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect
+stranger on a bus."  So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac
+and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane."  I said,
+"Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein."
+		-- Steven Wright
 %
 One day, in a bar, a young man walks in with a little dwarf about one foot
 tall on his shoulder and orders a beer.  The bartender serves the man a beer;
@@ -10153,21 +8962,9 @@ One morning after an evening of particularly heavy drinking, a man awoke
 and upon rolling over in bed saw one of the ugliest women he had ever
 seen.  As he was about to get out of bed, he looked on the floor and saw
 another woman even less appealing than the first.  Seeing his look of
-wide-eyed amazement, the woman on the floor snapped,  "Don't look at me
+wide-eyed amazement, the woman on the floor snapped, "Don't look at me
 like that, I was only the bridesmaid."
 %
-One night a girl had an affair
-With a fellow all covered with hair.
-	His enormous red whang
-	Gave her a wonderful bang --
-She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear.
-%
-One night a girl had an affair
-With a fellow all covered with hair.
-	Then she picked up his hat
-	And realized that
-She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
-%
 One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity
 to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka.
 	"The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing,
@@ -10183,16 +8980,12 @@ all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they
 enjoyed their trip.  Responses are still pouring in asking,
 	"What trip?"
 %
-One of the first things schoolchildren in Texas learn is how to
+One of the first things school children in Texas learn is how to
 compose a simple declarative sentence without the word "shit" in it.
 %
 One of the most expensive things in life
 is a girl who is free for the evening.
 %
-One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God create
-goyim?"  The generally accepted answer is "somebody has to buy retail."
-		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
 One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in.
 He was good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the
 following Sunday.
@@ -10235,10 +9028,6 @@ Ooops.  Gotta run.  My dog wants sex.  Later.
 %
 Operators mount anything!
 %
-Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one,
-but nobody wants to look at the other guy's.
-		-- Hal Hickman
-%
 OPTIMIST:
 	A man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date.
 %
@@ -10248,13 +9037,6 @@ ORAL CONTRACEPTIVE:
 oral sex, n:
 	The taste of things to come.
 %
-O'Riordan's Theorem:
-	Brains x Beauty = Constant.
-
-Purmal's Corollary:
-	As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
-	availability goes to zero.
-%
 Other people don't give you orgasms; you have them, and they help you
 cash them in.
 %
@@ -10274,34 +9056,12 @@ Yo mosquito, fuck you.
 Our readers ask, "Why don't more WASPs go to orgies?"  Well, it's really
 quite simple.  They don't want to have to write all those thank-you notes.
 %
-Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the
-maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out
-in case of emergency.  As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty
-good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know
-for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging
-over from, say, right field, to deal with it.  She's been on the team for
-three seasons now, but the males still don't trust her.  They know, deep in
-their souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
-an infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without
-ever considering whether there were men on base.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
-%
 Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr,
 Has invented a new kind of car.
 	With a tank full of shit
 	There's no stopping it --
 For short trips, two poots take you far.
 %
-Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
-In all of the directions it can whiz;
-As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
-Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
-So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
-How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
-And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
-'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
-		-- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life"
-%
 Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,
 	"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and load your camels,
 and I will lead you to the promised land."
@@ -10352,7 +9112,7 @@ When her summer turned out quite a bummer!
 %
 Persistence, like perspiration, is 99 percent of the fine art of love.
 %
-philadelphia flying fuck, n:
+Philadelphia flying fuck, n:
 	Okay, see, he hangs from a chin-up bar with his feet on the arms
 	of the rocking chair.  She crouches in the rocking chair pleasuring
 	him orally.
@@ -10364,10 +9124,8 @@ philadelphia flying fuck, n:
 Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.
 		-- Karl Marx
 %
-Physicists do it with charm.
-%
 Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when
-he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long'll he'll stay.
+he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he'll stay.
 %
 pile driver, n:
 	Local drink; two parts vodka, one part prune juice.
@@ -10396,8 +9154,6 @@ pocket pool, n:
 polish fly, n:
 	You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling.
 %
-Politicians do it to everyone.
-%
 Pompoir:  The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all.
 
 'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with
@@ -10421,16 +9177,6 @@ Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus.
 	She started to run,
 And last was seen sprinting through Dallas.
 %
-Posterity will ne'er survey
-A nobler grave than this;
-Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
-Stop, traveler, and piss.
-		-- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
-%
-Postulate #1:	Nothing is better than sex.
-Postulate #2:	Masturbation is better than nothing.
-Conclusion:	Masturbation is better than sex.
-%
 Pour guerir un acces de fievre
 Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre;
 	Il le prit a son trou,
@@ -10478,9 +9224,7 @@ Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame ceremony, [Cash] went to
 the bathroom.  "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked
 in...  He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a
 picture of this.'  I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'"
-		-- Rolling Stone interview with Johnny Cash.
-%
-Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
+		-- Rolling Stone interview with Johnny Cash
 %
 Programmers do it bit by bit.
 %
@@ -10497,9 +9241,6 @@ Qui virginem ingrediebatur.
 	Audivi progressus:
 Est mihi inquit tubulator.
 %
-Prostitution is the only business where you
-can go into the hole and still come out ahead.
-%
 Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.
 Check three friends.  If they're okay, you're it.
 %
@@ -10592,27 +9333,6 @@ A:	With 2 scoops of dead baby and some rootbeer.
 Q:	How do you pick up a quarter off of Polk Street?
 A:	Kick it over to Van Ness.
 %
-Q:	How do you play Religious Roulette?
-A:	You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
-	by lightning first.
-%
-Q:	How do you tell if two elephants have been making love in
-	your backyard?
-A:	Your Hefty trashcan liners are missing.
-%
-Q:	How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
-	or an airline stewardess?
-A:	A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."
-	A schoolteacher says: "We're just going to have to do this over
-	and over again until we get it right."
-	An airline stewardess says: "Just place this over your mouth and
-	nose and breathe normally."
-
-... and bank tellers say "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."
-... and saleswomen say "Thank you, come again soon!"
-... and WASP's say "Do you have that in a bigger size?"
-... and piano teachers say "Keep those fingers arched! TEMPO! TEMPO!"
-%
 Q:	How do you tell that your roommate's gay?
 A:	When his cock tastes like shit.
 %
@@ -10623,11 +9343,9 @@ Q:	How does a mink get babies?
 A:	The same way babies get minks.
 %
 Q:	How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?
-
 A:	Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of
 	speech, but under the United States constitution they are
 	guaranteed freedom after speech.
-
 		-- being told in Poland, 1987
 %
 Q:	How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
@@ -10653,17 +9371,6 @@ Q:	How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light
 	bulb, in San Francisco?
 A:	Both of them.
 %
-Q:	How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A:	Ten.  One to do it, and nine to talk about how gratifying it was
-	without a man.
-%
-Q:	If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess,
-	what would Cheetah have been?
-A:	A fur coat.
-%
-Q:	What can you use used tampons for?
-A:	Tea bags for vampires.
-%
 Q:	What did Jesus tell the Aggies?
 A:	Play dumb until the second coming.
 %
@@ -10703,9 +9410,6 @@ A:	Parents.
 Q:	What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?
 A:	Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!!
 %
-Q:	What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
-A:	Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
-%
 Q:	What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
 A:	A woman that, when she goes down on you, gets blood.
 %
@@ -10760,9 +9464,6 @@ A:	So you can watch the expression on its little face.
 Q:	What is green and comes in Brownies?
 A:	Boy Scouts.
 %
-Q:	What is Smoorplay?
-A:	What Smurfs do before they smuck!
-%
 Q:	What is the difference between snow-men and snow-women?
 A:	Snowballs!
 %
@@ -10843,7 +9544,7 @@ A:	Not everyone's been in a fast car.
 %
 Q:	What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
 A:	Erotic is when you use a feather.  Kinky is when you use
-	the whole bird...
+	the whole bird.
 %
 Q:	What's the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon
 	and Ronald Reagan?
@@ -10862,9 +9563,9 @@ Q:	What's the last thing that goes through a grasshopper's mind when
 	he hits your windshield?
 A:	His ass.
 
-Q.	What's the second-to-last thing to go through a grasshopper's
+Q:	What's the second-to-last thing to go through a grasshopper's
 	mind when he hits your windshield?
-A.	Oh, SHIT!!
+A:	Oh, SHIT!!
 %
 Q:	What's white and crawls up your leg?
 A:	Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice.
@@ -10875,9 +9576,6 @@ A:	Getting fingered by Captain Hook!
 Q:	Where does Catwoman go for a good time?
 A:	To the batpoles, Robin!
 %
-Q:	Where does virgin wool come from?
-A:	Ugly sheep.
-%
 Q:	Why are babies born with soft spots on their heads?
 A:	So you can pick 'em up five at a time.
 %
@@ -10907,7 +9605,7 @@ Q:	Why do dogs lick their private parts?
 A:	Because they can.
 %
 Q:	Why do ducks have webbed feet?
-A:	To stamp out forest firest.
+A:	To stamp out forest fires.
 
 Q:	Why do elephants have big flat feet?
 A:	To stamp out flaming ducks.
@@ -10925,7 +9623,7 @@ Q:	Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
 A:	Because a sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from fifty feet away.
 		-- Iain MacKintosh, Glasgow folksinger
 %
-Q:	Why do WASP's play golf ?
+Q:	Why do WASPs play golf ?
 A:	So they can dress like pimps.
 %
 Q:	Why do women have vaginas?
@@ -10947,11 +9645,9 @@ Q:	Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games?
 A:	Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA.
 %
 Q:	Why is Poland just like the United States?
-
 A:	In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
 	Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever
 	you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
-
 		-- being told in Poland, 1987
 %
 Q:	Why is Sister Pat the way she is?
@@ -10962,42 +9658,37 @@ Q:	Why was Cinderella banished from the Magic Kingdom?
 A:	For sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Tell the truth!
 	Tell a lie!  Tell the truth!  Tell a lie!"
 %
-Q:      What's the difference between VMS and PMS?
+Q:	What's the difference between VMS and PMS?
 
-A1:     PMS is only a problem for some people.
-A2:     PMS is only a problem for part of the month.
-A3:     The drugstore has remedies for PMS.
-A4:     People with PMS get sympathy.
-A5:     People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX.
-%
-Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
-A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.
+A1:	PMS is only a problem for some people.
+A2:	PMS is only a problem for part of the month.
+A3:	The drugstore has remedies for PMS.
+A4:	People with PMS get sympathy.
+A5:	People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX.
 %
-Q: What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up?
-A: Age.
+Q:	What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
+A:	Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.
 %
-Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
-A: The taste.
+Q:	What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up?
+A:	Age.
 %
-Q: What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"?
-A: About three inches.
+Q:	What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
+A:	The taste.
 %
-Q: Why did the epileptic cross the road?
-A: He couldn't help it.
-
-Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
-A: Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent.
+Q:	What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"?
+A:	About three inches.
 %
-Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?
-A: 'Cause they can!
+Q:	Why did the epileptic cross the road?
+A:	He couldn't help it.
 
-(Real answer: 'Cause they can't curl their little paws into fists...)
+Q:	What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
+A:	Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent.
 %
-Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
-A: So they can jump into trees and rape mice.
+Q:	Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
+A:	So they can jump into trees and rape mice.
 
-Q: What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse?
-A: BOING!!  BOING!!  BOING!!
+Q:	What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse?
+A:	BOING!!  BOING!!  BOING!!
 %
 QOTD:
 	"... was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort-of
@@ -11026,19 +9717,16 @@ QOTD:
 	"I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut."
 %
 QOTD:
-	I get girls because of who I am... a rapist.
+	"I get girls because of who I am... a rapist."
 %
 QOTD:
-	I met her [his fiance] over lunch on Thursday.  She had a firm
-	grip.  He's a lucky man.
+	"I met her [his fiance] over lunch on Thursday.  She had a firm
+	grip.  He's a lucky man."
 %
 QOTD:
 	"I never met a man I couldn't drink handsome."
 %
 QOTD:
-	I own my own body, but I share.
-%
-QOTD:
 	"I say, and without apology, hang the bitch."
 %
 QOTD:
@@ -11049,8 +9737,8 @@ QOTD:
 	"I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm all right now."
 %
 QOTD:
-	I won't say he's unsavory, but for his birthday he bought himself
-	a pair of velcro gloves.
+	"I won't say he's unsavory, but for his birthday he bought himself
+	a pair of velcro gloves."
 %
 QOTD:
 	"I'd crawl a mile over burning desert sand just to kiss the dick of
@@ -11065,50 +9753,44 @@ QOTD:
 	golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her!"
 %
 QOTD:
-	It *was* wonderfully polite of me.  Usually I call the kind of
-	cretinous dipshit that pisses me off a ``fucking asshole.''
+	"It *was* wonderfully polite of me.  Usually I call the kind of
+	cretinous dipshit that pisses me off a 'fucking asshole.'"
 		-- Richard Sexton
 %
 QOTD:
-	"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten
-	who gets tied up."
-%
-QOTD:
 	"Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!"
 %
 QOTD:
-	Men come in four sizes -- small, medium, large, and "You're
-	going to put that thing *where*?"
+	"Men come in four sizes -- small, medium, large, and 'You're
+	going to put that thing *where*?'"
 %
 QOTD:
-	My penis is better than corn, because corn doesn't squeal when
-	you stick those little prongs into it.
+	"My penis is better than corn, because corn doesn't squeal when
+	you stick those little prongs into it."
 		-- Mark-Jason Dominus
 %
 QOTD:
-	No, honey, I've never been circumsized; it's simply wear and tear.
+	"No, honey, I've never been circumsized;
+		it's simply wear and tear."
 %
 QOTD:
-	"One day, I'd like to wake up in the morning to find that every gay
-	and lesbian has lavender skin.  On that morning, I will be -- mauve."
+	"One day, I'd like to wake up in the morning to find that every
+	gay and lesbian has lavender skin.  On that morning, I will be
+	-- mauve."
 %
 QOTD:
-	Sex is like everything else.  To get it done right, do it yourself.
+	"Sex is like everything else.  To get it done right, do it yourself."
 %
 QOTD:
-	She began coming, making noises like a small animal in pain.
-	Ouch!  Ow!  My paw!  Ouch!!
+	"She began coming, making noises like a small animal in pain.
+	Ouch!  Ow!  My paw!  Ouch!!"
 %
 QOTD:
 	"She was so tough she rolled her own tampons."
 %
 QOTD:
-	Talk about willing people... over half of them are willing to work
-	and the others are more than willing to watch them.
-%
-QOTD:
-	"The difference between dark and hard is... it stays dark
-	all night."
+	"Talk about willing people... over half of them are willing to work
+	and the others are more than willing to watch them."
 %
 QOTD:
 	"The marines and I have something in common; we're both looking for
@@ -11147,7 +9829,7 @@ quickie, n:
 quickie, n:
 	No sooner spread than done.
 %
-QWERT (kwirt) n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]   1. a unit of weight
+QWERT (kwirt) n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]  1. a unit of weight
 equal to 13 poiuyt  avoirdupois  (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in
 structural engineering  2. [Colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully
 grown sligo can carry.  3. [Anat.] a painful  irritation  of  the dermis
@@ -11158,12 +9840,6 @@ symptoms of a qwert.
 Ralph:	Lisa, you have no tits and an awful tight pussy.
 Lisa:	Ralph... get off my back!!
 %
-randel, n:
-	A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an
-	apology for farting at a friend.
-		-- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
-		   Preposterous Words
-%
 Raquel Welch:		36-24-36
 Bo Derek:		35-24-36
 Ann-Margaret:		37-25-36
@@ -11210,28 +9886,6 @@ real class, adj:
 %
 Real fur: the ultimate sadist symbol.
 %
-Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
-Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
-Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
-These are a few of my favorite drugs.
-
-Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
-Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
-Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
-These are a few of my favorite drugs.
-
-Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
-Users of heroin, often called junkies
-Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
-Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
-
-	On a bad trip
-	When the cops come
-	When I lose my head
-	I simply take more of my favorite drugs
-	And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
-		-- My Favorite Drugs, sung to "My Favorite Things"
-%
 Reformed, n:
 	A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays.
 %
@@ -11246,14 +9900,6 @@ Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.
 Remember, when preparing a dish for bedtime,
 champagne is the best tenderizer.
 %
-Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls?  Only
-sissies liked girls?  What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
-changed.  You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow
-out of it.  We just grow horny.  That's the problem.  We mix up liking
-pussy for liking girls.  Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with
-the other.
-		-- Jules Feiffer
-%
 Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was sadly, shaking his head.
 	"What's the matter, buddy?", inquired the bartender.
 	"Well," replied the customer, "while I was in the men's room, I saw
@@ -11298,16 +9944,12 @@ In Ireland, in Lebanon, in Palestine, in Berkeley,
 Patty Hearst... heard the burst... of Roland's Thompson gun, and bought it.
 		-- Warren Zevon, "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner"
 %
-ROMEO:		Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
-MERCUTIO:	No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide
-			as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
-%
-Rosenberg wanted to leave the country.
-"And what is *your* reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office.
-"I am told a pogrom is being prepared.  Against the Jews and the barbers,"
-	replies Rosenberg.
-"Why the barbers?"
-"Everybody asks that question.  That's why I want to leave."
+	Rosenberg wanted to leave the country.  "And what is *your*
+reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office.
+	"I am told a pogrom is being prepared.  Against the Jews and
+the barbers," replies Rosenberg.
+	"Why the barbers?"
+	"Everybody asks that question.  That's why I want to leave."
 %
 Roses on your piano isn't nearly as good as tulips on your organ.
 %
@@ -11327,7 +9969,7 @@ Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs,
 	If you know what I mean,
 And leave me the white of their eggs."
 %
-Said a decadent wench of Bombay :
+Said a decadent wench of Bombay:
 "This has been a most wonderful day.
 	Three cherry tarts,
 	At least twenty farts,
@@ -11340,18 +9982,12 @@ Was attacked by a virile young man:
 And she fractured his wrist with her fan.
 		-- Edward Gorey
 %
-Said a happy young man of Fort Drum :
+Said a happy young man of Fort Drum:
 "What care I for this shortage of gum?
 	My favorite chew
 	Is a condom or two,
 With a goodly amount of fresh come."
 %
-Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
-"My favorite sport is coitus."
-	But a fullback from State,
-	Made her period late,
-And now she has athlete's fetus.
-%
 Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
 When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
 	"You must seize it, and squeeze it,
@@ -11382,30 +10018,12 @@ Said a pornographistic young poet
 	Is wearing quite thin,
 And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."
 %
-Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
-Whose virtue was largely a myth,
-     	"Try as hard as I can,
-	 I can't find a man
-That it's fun to be virtuous with!"
-%
-Said crew girl Angelica Bauer :
+Said crew girl Angelica Bauer:
 "The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour."
 	Uhura said, "No,
 	At night that's not so--
 He doesn't withdraw for an hour."
 %
-Said Einstein, "I have an equation
-Which to some may seem Rabelaisian:
-	Let V be virginity
-	Approaching infinity;
-Let P be a constant persuasion;
-
-"Let V over P be inverted
-With the square root of Mu inserted
-	N times into V ...
-	The result, Q.E.D.,
-Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
-%
 Said Francesca, "My lack of volition
 Is leading me straight to perdition;
 	But I haven't the strength
@@ -11413,20 +10031,20 @@ Is leading me straight to perdition;
 Of making an act of contrition."
 		-- Edward Gorey
 %
-Said President Jobcock one day :
+Said President Jobcock one day:
 "War's better than love, I should say.
 	Instead of a virgin,
 	It's murder I'm urgin'--
 You get lots more blood that-a-way."
 %
-Said sneering Mohammed el-Din :
+Said sneering Mohammed el-Din:
 "Only infidel dogs put it in.
 	Back home in Arabia
 	We nibble the labia
 Till the juice dribbles off of our chin."
 %
 Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers,
-In a cunt halfway up to his ears :
+In a cunt halfway up to his ears:
 	"This nautch is delicious,
 	 And without doubt nutritious.
 She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!"
@@ -11444,7 +10062,7 @@ Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
 And two inches longer than you."
 %
 Saint Peteer was once heard to boast
-That he'd had all the heavenly host :
+That he'd had all the heavenly host:
 	The Father and Son,
 	And then - just for fun -
 The hole in the Holy Ghost.
@@ -11466,12 +10084,10 @@ San Francisco:
 San Francisco is my kind of city,
 Where the women are strong and the men are pretty.
 %
-Save a forest - eat a beaver!
+Save a forest -- eat a beaver!
 %
 Save a mouse, eat a pussy!
 %
-Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
-%
 Save the whales.  Club a seal instead.
 %
 Says an airlining wanton named Vi:
@@ -11595,8 +10211,8 @@ SEMINARS:
 Sen. Danforth:  "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
 		notify you if the record has pornographic material or
 		material glorifying violence?"
-Tipper Gore:    "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
-Frank Zappa:    "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on
+Tipper Gore:	"No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
+Frank Zappa:	"I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on
 		the album cover is good indication that it's not for little
 		Johnny."
 
@@ -11610,11 +10226,6 @@ The shit has hit the fan.
 Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.
 		-- Grover Cleveland, 1905
 %
-Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed
-in driving rain waiting for transport to prison.  "If this is the way Queen
-Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she doesn't deserve to have
-any."
-%
 Sex and drugs and UNIX.
 %
 Sex and mathematics have one thing in common.
@@ -11636,18 +10247,12 @@ Is mostly by hand.
 %
 Sex is just one damp thing after another.
 %
-Sex is like a bridge game --
-If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
-%
 Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste!
 %
 Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.
 %
 Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
 %
-Sex is the poor man's opera.
-		-- G.B. Shaw
-%
 Sex is what women have and men want.
 %
 Sex; it's always best when one partner is at least a little bit desperate.
@@ -11657,7 +10262,7 @@ SEX-CHANGE NUN BECOMES TV WRESTLER!!!
 %
 Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
 temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.  A shamus is at
-the bottom of the pecking order of synagog functionaries, and there's
+the bottom of the pecking order of synagogue functionaries, and there's
 a joke about that:
 
 A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a
@@ -11669,6 +10274,7 @@ The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries,
 	"Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
 The rabbi turns to the cantor and says,
 	"Look who thinks he's nobody!"
+		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
 %
 Share and enjoy, share and enjoy.
 Journey through life with a plastic boy or girl by your side.
@@ -11694,9 +10300,6 @@ Don't Cut Any More Wood, Baby, 'Cause I'll Be Comin' Home With A Load
 I Loved Her Face, But I Left Her Behind For You
 		-- proposed Country-Western song titles
 %
-She asked me if I loved her still.
-"Yes," I replied.  "I've never had you any other way."
-%
 She begged and she pleaded for more.
 I said, "We've already had four,
 	And I'm sure that you've heard,
@@ -11706,11 +10309,6 @@ That eros spelt backwards is sore."
 She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed.
 		-- Dorothy Parker
 %
-She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
-candidates for president.
-		-- John Greenway, "The American Tradition",
-		   on feminist Elizabeth Gould Davis
-%
 She made a thing of soft leather,
 And topped off the end with a feather.
 	When she poked it inside her
@@ -11721,7 +10319,7 @@ She never liked zippers, she said,
 Until she opened one in bed.
 %
 She stood there and peeled off her clothes,
-And begged for a bang : goodness knows
+And begged for a bang: goodness knows
 	I am surely impure
 	And I sizzled to scrure,
 But the push had gone out of my hose.
@@ -11814,7 +10412,7 @@ to attach a partner's hands.  Don't pull down the fixture, however -- it
 isn't weightbearing.  See Discipline.
 		-- The Joy of Sex
 %
-Sighed a neat little package named Annie :
+Sighed a neat little package named Annie:
 "I've the tits and the twat and the fanny,
 	Plus the yen, but the men
 	Only call now and then--
@@ -11919,25 +10517,15 @@ Resigned to the situation, she went out into the warm night.  She came
 staggering in early the next morning.
 	"How did you do?" asked the husband.
 	"Here," she said, "I've got four dollars and ten cents."
-	"Four dollars and ten cents," he said .  "Who gave you the ten cents?"
+	"Four dollars and ten cents," he said.  "Who gave you the ten cents?"
 	"Everybody," she said.
 %
-So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse is, our
-standards keep changing.  Take Playboy magazine.  Back in the 1950s, when
-I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was considered just
-about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever showed was women's
-breasts.  Granted, any given one of these breasts would have provided adequate
-shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect was no more explicit
-than many publications we think nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's
-Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope.
-	"Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two
-Polacks who --"
+	So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope.
+"Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two Polacks
+who --"
 	"My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish."
-The salesman thought for a moment.
-	"That's okay, Father," he said. "I'll tell it very slowly."
+	The salesman thought for a moment.  "That's okay, Father," he
+said. "I'll tell it very slowly."
 %
 So you fucked up... you trusted us!
 		-- Animal House
@@ -12027,10 +10615,6 @@ Feel so woozy, I don't know why.
 So mass the pixer and kill my fup
 I've all day sober to sunday up.
 %
-Statisticians do it with 95 percent confidence.
-%
-Statisticians probably do it.
-%
 Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!!!
 %
 Stockmayer's Theorem:
@@ -12045,10 +10629,6 @@ stress, n:
 	desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who
 	desperately needs it.
 %
-subpoena, n:
-	From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ
-	or penis.  Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
-%
 Success has many fathers, but failure is a bastard.
 %
 Success is like a fart -- only your own smells nice.
@@ -12071,9 +10651,6 @@ Or when Pharaoh's daughter went into the bulrushes and came out with a
 little prophet?  And it was Moses who led the Children of Israel to the
 Banks of the Jordan!
 %
-Sure eating yoghurt will improve your sex life.  People
-know that if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
-%
 swallow, v:
 	The (blew) bird of birth control.
 %
@@ -12209,7 +10786,7 @@ Fell into the water baptismal;
 For the depth of the font was abysmal.
 		-- Edward Gorey
 %
-The bedsprings next door jounce and creak :
+The bedsprings next door jounce and creak:
 They have kept me awake for a week.
 	Why do newlyweds
 	Select squeaky beds
@@ -12293,9 +10870,6 @@ By the grace of a fortunate vowel.
 %
 The butcher, the baker, the candlestick make her, why can't I?
 %
-The computer is the ultimate polluter:
-Its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces.
-%
 The country girl who became a city madam
 has obviously gone from rags to rigids.
 %
@@ -12319,9 +10893,6 @@ went down on the Titanic.
 The difference between like and love is the
 same as the difference between a spit and a swallow.
 %
-The difference between this school and a cactus plant
-is that the cactus has the pricks on the outside.
-%
 The difference between women and girls
 is as much as twenty years in some states.
 %
@@ -12340,7 +10911,7 @@ text of the first Jewish-Catholic prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria".
 The Enterprise crew when off work
 Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk.
 	Uhura the Zulu
-	Is shcked up with Sulu,
+	Is shacked up with Sulu,
 And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk.
 %
 The Enterprise girls, so one hears,
@@ -12349,10 +10920,6 @@ Have chased Spock for several years.
 	Has spared them great pain,
 For his prick is as sharp as his ears.
 %
-The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
-out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
-		-- New Libertarian Notes, #19
-%
 The fearless old bishop of Brest
 Put his faith in the Lord to the test.
 	He fucked whores in the apse
@@ -12363,7 +10930,7 @@ The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley
 Came to light with its face in its belly;
 	Her second was born
 	With a hump and a horn,
-And her third was as shapeles as jelly.
+And her third was as shapeless as jelly.
 		-- Edward Gorey
 %
 The first time we slept together she drove a recreational vehicle into
@@ -12543,7 +11110,7 @@ But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'."
 %
 The kings of Peru were the Incas,
 Who were known far and wide as great drincas.
-	They worshipped the sun
+	They worshiped the sun
 	And had lots of fun,
 But the peasants all thought they were stincas.
 %
@@ -12666,7 +11233,7 @@ Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic.
 He rendered the poor boy biphallic.
 %
 The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on
-their wedding night and reprimanded him severly.
+their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.
 	"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at
 the dinner table."
 	Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair
@@ -12744,23 +11311,11 @@ Would claim he was nobody's flunky.
 	His proboscis was brown,
 And there hung many strands which were gunky.
 %
-The old archeologist, Throstle,
-Discovered a marvelous fossil.
-	He knew from its bend
-	And the knot on the end,
-T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
-%
-The once was a man from Bombay
-Who modeled his cunts out of clay
-	So hot was his prick
-	That he turned them to brick
-And rubbed all his foreskin away.
-%
 The only difference between your current lover and a doorknob is
 that a doorknob warms up when you hold it.
 %
 The only difference between your girlfriend
-and a barracuda is the nailpolish.
+and a barracuda is the nail polish.
 %
 The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist.
 		-- Stendhal
@@ -12797,8 +11352,6 @@ once, thousands upon thousands of data bits flowing from diskette
 to disk in a torrent of torrid transfer, as the helpless legs
 of the 32 strained to remain on the floor.
 %
-The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
-%
 The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man.
 	"What is the meaning of this?" he demanded.  "Who is this fellow?"
 	"That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over.
@@ -12881,9 +11434,6 @@ you've been such a great friend of mine, I have a question I need to ask you.
 What is a blow job?"
 	Mother Agatha replied, "Oh, twelve dollars, same as downtown."
 %
-The problem with being best man at a wedding
-is that you never get a chance to prove it.
-%
 The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's chances to become a
 Senator.  After all, if they won't allow California fruit out of the state,
 how is Brown going to get to Washington?
@@ -12897,12 +11447,9 @@ length of sheet you have to pull out of your ass.
 The randy old Bey of Algiers
 Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers,
 	Tried a cunt for a change,
-	And remarked : "It felt strange ...
+	And remarked: "It felt strange ...
 Just think what I've missed all these years!"
 %
-The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have
-to walk around in front every time you want to kiss her.
-%
 The real trouble with women is that they have *all* the pussy.
 %
 The reason big companies have lots and lots of meetings is because
@@ -12928,7 +11475,7 @@ And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
 %
 The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR.
 %
-The rich man uses vaseline,
+The rich man uses Vaseline,
 	The poor man uses lard;
 The worker uses axle grease
 	But gets it twice as hard.
@@ -12945,10 +11492,6 @@ certain his charming words and manner would win her as they had many others.
 The San Francisco police are nothing if not sensitive to the mood of the
 community.  The word is that Dirty Harry has been replaced by Bitchy Gerald.
 %
-The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
-dishonorable discharge.  Without missing a beat, I said...
-	"It's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
-%
 The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth.
 		-- Diana Rigg
 %
@@ -13112,8 +11655,6 @@ herself for a few moments and then snapped,
 	"I'd rather commit adultery than smoke in public."
 	"So would I," said the girl, "but I only have half an hour for lunch."
 %
-The voters have spoken, the bastards...
-%
 The wages of sin are high -- unless you know someone who does it for nothing.
 %
 The warden of the De Luxington preparatory school for boys was holding a
@@ -13150,19 +11691,12 @@ The woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a great
 deal of money.  The woman who gives herself takes all your time.
 		-- Balzac
 %
-The word `spine' is, of course, an anagram of `penis'.  This is true in
-almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people have
-attempted to explain why.  Usually these explanations get bogged down in
-silly puns about "standing erect".
-%
 The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter
 Is not merely reading a meter.
 	By orders of Kirk
 	A part of his work
 Is dosing the food with saltpeter.
 %
-The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
-%
 The world is so full of a number of things,
 I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings.
 	I'll tell you a story--
@@ -13175,7 +11709,7 @@ He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink.
 	He ate it with glee-
 Was there ever a fellow so happy as he?
 
-This charming old chap had a sister as well :
+This charming old chap had a sister as well:
 She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell.
 	Her cunt was so dirty
 	It stank like a beast,
@@ -13277,8 +11811,6 @@ desks.  #1 returns it to him immediately.  #2 pockets it.  #3 invests
 in the market and returns $1,500 to him in the morning.  Who gets the
 promotion?  The one with the big tits!
 %
-There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
-%
 There are two trees in the forest.  They are very proud trees.  One day
 they notice a sapling half-way between them.
 	One tree proclaims, "That is a son of beech!"
@@ -13348,7 +11880,7 @@ front page before discarding it?"
 	"But they are on page 21.  You never even unfold the newspaper."
 	"Young man," he replied, "the son-of-a-bitch I'm looking for will
 be on the front page."
-		-- Attributed to FDR.
+		-- Attributed to FDR
 %
 There was a young man hitchhiking along a road one day.  A car stopped and the
 driver opened the door and asked, "What political party are you with?"
@@ -13407,18 +11939,6 @@ toothbrush?"
 There was something about her I liked,
 but I couldn't put my finger on it.
 %
-There were the Scots
-Who kept the Sabbath
-And everything else they could lay their hands on.
-Then there were the Welsh
-Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.
-Thirdly there were the Irish
-Who never knew what they wanted
-But were willing to fight for it anyway.
-Lastly there were the English
-Who considered themselves a self-made nation
-Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
-%
 There's a handsome boy who tells me how I've changed his past.  He buys me
 a brandy...  Could it be he's really just after my ass?
 		-- Pete Townshend, "How Many Friends"
@@ -13454,17 +11974,7 @@ Chorus:	With an *ugh!* and a groan, and a kick of the heels,
 There's many a slurp t'wixt the tip and the zip.
 %
 There's more than one way to skin a cat:
-	Way #3  -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
-	Way #27 -- Use an electric sander.
-	Way #32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
-	Way #33 -- A bicycle pump.
-%
-There's nothing better than good sex.  But bad sex?
-A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
-		-- Billy Joel
-%
-There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
-		-- David Mairowitz
+	#33 -- A bicycle pump.
 %
 They ought to make butt-flavored cat food.
 		-- Gallagher
@@ -13491,7 +12001,7 @@ Czech:	Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and
 Desk Sergeant:	Come again?
 Czech:	Right out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and
 	took my Russian watch.
-DS:	You're confused.   Why would there be a Swiss soldier here?  And who
+DS:	You're confused.  Why would there be a Swiss soldier here?  And who
 	would want to own a Russian watch?  It was a Russian soldier who
 	knocked you down and took your Swiss watch, right?
 Czech:	Well, maybe, but you said it, not me.
@@ -13563,12 +12073,6 @@ except in a crowd of joggers.  As he runs along, a woman looks over and says,
 	"Do you always wear a condom?"
 	"Only when it rains, lady.  Only when it rains."
 %
-This here's the wattle
-The emblem of our land
-You can stick it in a bottle
-Or you can hold it in your hand.
-		-- Monty Python
-%
 This hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted.  He
 obviously had had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks
 and was looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon.  Swinging
@@ -13581,20 +12085,6 @@ tail and planting a demure kiss on its asshole.
 	"Wait a minute," said the old guy.  "Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?"
 	"Keeps ya from lickin' 'em," explained the cowboy.
 %
-This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system.
-If this had been an actual emergency, you would have known it!
-%
-This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
-%
-This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you.
-So I'll put in "di-dah" for the filthy words.
-
-	Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
-	Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
-		Di-dah di-dah di-dah?
-		Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
-	Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
-%
 This story concerns a man who, after putting his son to bed each night, would
 stand by his boy's door and listen to his son saying his prayers.  One night,
 the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Granddad, who won't be
@@ -13623,8 +12113,6 @@ This time it's for love; next time it's $100.00.
 THORNY:
 	A thailor at thea.
 %
-Thou shalt not omit adultery.
-%
 Thought:
 	Girls get minks the same way minks get minks!
 %
@@ -13662,7 +12150,7 @@ Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard.  When it rains,
 however, the laundry always gets wet.  All the laundry, that is, except
 for Laurie's.  Laurie never seems to have her laundry out when it rains.
 	So, one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes
-on the line when one of the women says to Laurie, "Laurie, how come when it
+on the line when one of the women says to Laurie, "Laurie, how come it
 never rains when you have your laundry out?"
 	"Well," replies Laurie, "when I wake up in the morning, I check out
 my husband Paul.  If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's
@@ -13713,8 +12201,6 @@ Before his life is done,
 To write three lines of APL,
 And make the damn things run.
 %
-To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
-%
 To be the kind of girl designed to be kissed between the thighs.
 %
 To win a woman in the first place one must please her, then undress her, and
@@ -13742,9 +12228,6 @@ transvestite, n:
 %
 Tri Delts; everyone else has.
 %
-TRUST:
-	Two cannibals having oral sex.
-%
 trust me:
 	Los Angeles for "Fuck you, your mother, and the horse
 	she rode in on."
@@ -13767,28 +12250,6 @@ T-shirt of the Day:
 T-shirt of the Week:
 	I'm not excited, I'm cold!
 %
-'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
-Did groove and trip out at the pad:	"Beware the Radcliff girl, my son!
-All whimsy were the slamming chicks,	The looks that mell, the claws that
-And the Radcliffe undergrad.			catch!
-					Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun
-He took his venerable staff in hand:	The uppity Wellesleysnatch!"
-Long time the cool young stuff he
-	sought --			And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
-So rested he among the spree		The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
-And paused to smoke some pot.		Crept past the hippies getting balled
-					And doffed her miniskirt.
-One, two!  One, two!  And through
-	and through			"And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
-The venerable staff went snicker-snack!	Come to my arms, my horny boy!
-He left her bred, sans maidenhead,	O spaced-out day!  Calooh!  Callay!"
-And went galumphing back.		He cackled in his joy.
-
-'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
-Did groove and trip out at the pad:
-All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
-And the Radcliffe undergrad.
-%
 Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but
 twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building.
 		-- Wilde
@@ -14102,13 +12563,10 @@ it is a waste of time, and hazardous, to marry them.  It leaves one open
 to a rival.  Husbands, good or bad, always have rivals.  Lovers, never.
 		-- Helen Lawrenson, "Esquire"
 %
-Vidi, vici, veni.
-(I saw, I conquered, I came.)
-%
 Viennese Oyster: Lady who can cross her feet behind her head, lying on her
 back, of course.  When she has done so, you hold her tightly round each instep
 with your full hand and squeeze, lying on her full-length.  Don't try to put
-an unsupple partner into this position --  it can't be achieved by brute force.
+an unsupple partner into this position -- it can't be achieved by brute force.
 You can get a very similar sensation -- unique rocking pelvic movement -- with
 less expertise if she crosses her ankles on her tummy, knees to shoulders, and
 you lie on her crossed ankles with your full weight.  Why "Viennese" we don't
@@ -14116,9 +12574,6 @@ know.  Tolerable for short periods only but gives tremendous genital pressure
 for both.
 		-- The Joy of Sex
 %
-virgin, n:
-	An ugly third grader.
-%
 Virginity is a bubble on the sea of life,
 which takes but one prick to break.
 		-- Jordan Sand
@@ -14136,15 +12591,11 @@ in unusual sex practices?"
 	"No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little
 queer."
 %
-VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
-%
 W. Lafayette may not be the asshole of the universe...
 	but you sure as hell can see it from there!
 %
 Waldheimers disease is what you have when you can't remember you were a Nazi.
 %
-War is menstruation envy.
-%
 Was it you that did the pushin',
 Left the stains upon the cushion,
 The footprints on the dashboard upside-down?
@@ -14159,7 +12610,7 @@ But since I stuck your daughter,
 I've had trouble passin' water,
 So I guess we're kind of even all around!
 %
-wasp, n:
+WASP, n.:
 	Someone who gets out of the shower to take a piss.
 %
 Watch out for a cold wave this week.  (Or maybe a warm WAC.)
@@ -14182,9 +12633,6 @@ I need someone to protect		But I'm not waiting on a lady
 					I'm just waiting on a friend
 		-- Rolling Stones, "Waiting on a Friend"
 %
-Water?  Never touch the stuff!  Fish fuck in it.
-		-- W.C. Fields
-%
 We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual.  We do everything
 we can to butter him up.  We give him a name, assure him that he has certain
 inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and
@@ -14220,14 +12668,9 @@ Gorge yourselves from moon till noon	Ever gay, we'll never grow up,
 Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE!
 		-- Bored of the Rings, "The Hobbits National Anthem"
 %
-We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
-%
 We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!
 		-- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
 %
-We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
-		-- James Watt, noted ecologist
-%
 We drove to the hotel and said goodbye.  How hypocritical to go upstairs
 with a man you don't want to fuck, leave the one you do sitting there alone,
 and then, in a state of great excitement, fuck the one you don't want to
@@ -14235,10 +12678,6 @@ fuck while pretending he's the one you do.  That's called fidelity.  That's
 called civilization and its discontents.
 		-- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
 %
-We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free
-his hands for masturbation.
-		-- Lily Tomlin
-%
 We must!  We must!
 We must increase our bust!
 The bigger the better!
@@ -14471,10 +12910,6 @@ Well, see, I was out with this chick last night, and we were in bed, and
 she groaned to me, "Give me nine inches, and make it hurt!"  So, I fucked
 her twice and slapped her.
 %
-Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator.  Now, I had
-my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco.  Surely
-you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
-%
 Well, you almost got it right.  The only problem is, you're doing it exactly
 backwards!  Just reverse the motions you described and your partner will
 experience an incredibly intense orgasm.  One trouble with this technique,
@@ -14522,8 +12957,8 @@ but promise to have it up in 15 minutes.  What few people realize is that the
 poor man was in the bathroom all night, masturbating furiously, muttering
 "I just don't understand, it passes all the diagnostics!"
 %
-"We've got things well in hand."
-		-- Master Byte Software, Los Gatos California.
+We've got things well in hand.
+		-- Master Byte Software, Los Gatos California
 %
 We've just received the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the
 various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night.  According
@@ -14704,9 +13139,6 @@ But sure as the devil, that word with a hiss
 It's only in Shakespeare that characters ____.
 		-- Ogden Nash
 %
-When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by
-a dog's rule of life: If you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
-%
 When Snow White turns on with the dwarfs she probably winds up feeling Dopey.
 %
 When somebody protested at [Pope Alexander VI's] wholesale distribution of
@@ -14726,8 +13158,8 @@ When the naive young lady asked the clerk in Le Sex Shoppe to show her his
 selection of vibrators, he brought out the two most popular ones.
 	"The basic white plastic one here is twenty dollars," the clerk said.
 "The flesh-toned rubber models are thirty."
-	"I'm just not sure," the woman said,  Then she noticed an eye-catching
-item on the back shelf.  "How much is that plaid one over there?
+	"I'm just not sure," the woman said, then she noticed an eye-catching
+item on the back shelf.  "How much is that plaid one over there?"
 	"Uh, well, that's a pretty special one," said the clerk.  "I couldn't
 sell you that one for less than a hundred."
 	"I'll take it."
@@ -14761,7 +13193,7 @@ All you are is a blossoming rose.
 Night is here so I must close.
 With care read the first word of each line.
 You will find a question of mine.
-		-- Yours hopefully, The VAX.
+		-- Yours hopefully, The VAX
 %
 When you're lying on the bed,
 And the thought is in your head,
@@ -14780,9 +13212,10 @@ And now I have an erection all the time.
 Whenever someone tells you to "take it like a man" it usually means
 up your ass.
 %
-"Where'd she get those crow's feet?  You really want to know?"
-"Yeah."
-"From squinting and screaming, "Suck what!?"
+	"Where'd she get those crow's feet?"
+	"You really want to know?"
+	"Yeah."
+	"From squinting and screaming, "Suck what!?"
 %
 Which of the following doesn't belong?
 	a. meat
@@ -14859,15 +13292,9 @@ Why I am an atheist:
 4. We should all strive to be like God.
 5. We should all be atheists.
 %
-Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses?
-		-- G. Gordon Liddy
-%
 Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love?
 Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up.
 %
-Why marry a virgin?  If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
-then she isn't good enough for you.
-%
 Why not, for example, offer a brand-new Mustang convertible to every girl
 who consents to having her Fallopian tubes tied in a Gordian knot?  ... It
 would have the additional benefit of eliminating from the gene pool those
@@ -14944,8 +13371,8 @@ Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy?
 %
 Writers do it between periods.
 %
-"Yeah, I used to be into necrophilia, bestiality and sadism, but then I
-realized I was just flogging a dead horse."
+Yeah, I used to be into necrophilia, bestiality and sadism, but then I
+realized I was just flogging a dead horse.
 %
 Yesterday is a memory,
 	Tomorrow is a vision,
@@ -14959,10 +13386,7 @@ thrice double-damned, no-good son-of-a-bitch.
 %
 You are witty, charming, handsome and above average in length.
 %
-You better believe that marijuana can cause castration.
-Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!
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-"You can beat my meat, but you can't lick my sauce!"
+You can beat my meat, but you can't lick my sauce!
 		-- Boss' Ribs, Portland, Oregon
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 You can find sympathy, in the dictionary, right near shit and suicide.
@@ -14971,13 +13395,6 @@ You can get used to living at a nudist camp.
 The first three days are the hardest.
 		-- R. Dreiser
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-You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose;
-but you can't pick your friend's nose.
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-You come out of a woman and you spend the rest
-of your life trying to get back inside.
-		-- Heathcote Williams
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 You have been bitchy since Tuesday and you'll probably get fired today.
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 You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact.  And the Beatles
@@ -14988,7 +13405,11 @@ You know the Norplant thing?  It's a new birth control device for women.
 It's a cartridge, that goes in your arm.  Well, they're coming out with
 a new one for men: it's a brain, that goes in your head.
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-You know what burns my ass?  A flame about three feet high.
+Miss Mona:	You know what burns my ass?
+Ed Earl:	What?
+Miss Mona:	A flame about three feet high!
+		-- Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds,
+		   "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas"
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 You might get caught holding the bag.  Say she's your sister.
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