From 31a084a0cda28cf680e3c8ad5551bb65391f3a4d Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: hoek Date: Sun, 28 May 2000 04:41:02 +0000 Subject: Quoting submitter: This is a recent conversion of an old IBM Mainframe application to the fortune datafile format. The "laws" were extracted from a S/370 Assembler program on a SHARE tape. The comments in the program: *---------------------------------------------------------------------* * 'MURPHY' THE OLE PHILOSOPHER 18 AUGUST 1988 * * * * MURPHY WAS FOUND ON A JES2 TAPE OF ALL PLACES WITH ABOUT * * 500 OR SO SAYINGS. GOT ANOTHER 250 FROM AN UNKNOWN SOURCE * * AND HAVE ADDED ABOUT 100 OR SO MYSELF. * * * [list of changes omitted] * * * JIM MARSHALL, CAPT, USAF * * (301) 688-6829 * * * *---------------------------------------------------------------------* Fortunes that a sufficiently twisted mind could perceive as offensive have been moved to murphy-o. Thanks to the submitter for reviewing these fortunes. The copyright issues were considered before approval. PR: misc/8519 Submitted by: Cy Schubert (misc/8519) Approved by: The Fortune Teller --- games/fortune/datfiles/Makefile | 10 +- games/fortune/datfiles/murphy | 2376 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ games/fortune/datfiles/murphy-o | 26 + 3 files changed, 2407 insertions(+), 5 deletions(-) create mode 100644 games/fortune/datfiles/murphy create mode 100644 games/fortune/datfiles/murphy-o (limited to 'games') diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/Makefile b/games/fortune/datfiles/Makefile index 4d705c9..20a800d 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/Makefile +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/Makefile @@ -1,8 +1,8 @@ # @(#)Makefile 8.2 (Berkeley) 4/19/94 # $FreeBSD$ -FILES= fortunes fortunes2 startrek zippy -BLDS= fortunes.dat fortunes2.dat startrek.dat zippy.dat \ +FILES= fortunes fortunes2 murphy startrek zippy +BLDS= fortunes.dat fortunes2.dat murphy.dat startrek.dat zippy.dat \ fortunes-o fortunes-o.dat # Pass all new entries by ${MAINTAINER} to preserve some semblance of @@ -14,8 +14,8 @@ MAINTAINER= jkh # THREE LINES AND UNCOMMENT THE FOURTH LINE. # THE THREE LINES: -FILES+= fortunes2-o limerick -BLDS+= fortunes2-o.dat limerick.dat +FILES+= fortunes2-o limerick murphy-o +BLDS+= fortunes2-o.dat limerick.dat murphy-o.dat TYPE= real # THE FOURTH LINE: @@ -31,7 +31,7 @@ beforeinstall: ${INSTALL} ${COPY} -o ${BINOWN} -g ${BINGRP} -m ${NOBINMODE} ${BLDS} \ ${DESTDIR}${SHAREDIR}/games/fortune -.for f in fortunes fortunes2 fortunes2-o limerick startrek zippy +.for f in fortunes fortunes2 fortunes2-o limerick murphy murphy-o startrek zippy $f.dat: $f PATH=$$PATH:/usr/games:${.OBJDIR}/../strfile \ strfile -Crs ${.ALLSRC} ${.TARGET} diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy b/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c9e11b8 --- /dev/null +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy @@ -0,0 +1,2376 @@ +%%$FreeBSD$ +When things are going well, someone will inevitably +experiment detrimentally. +% +If not controlled, work will flow to the competent +man until he submerges. +% +The deficiency will never show itself during the test runs. +% +The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found +in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting +% +It is impossible to build a fool proof system; +because fools are so ingenious. +% +Talent in staff work or sales will continually be +interpreted as managerial ability. +% +Information travels more surely to those with a +lesser need to know. +% +The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his +subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems. +% +An original idea can never emerge from committee +in its original form. +% +No good deed goes unpunished. +% +When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system +will perform perfectly. +% +Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce +multiple interpretations. +% +The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by +the paper clip of the overlying memo and go to file. +% +On successive charts of the same organization the number of +boxes will never decrease. +% +It is ok to be ignorant in some areas, +but some people abuse the privilege. +% +Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment +to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime. +% +Success can be insured only by devising a defense against +failure of the contingency plan. +% +Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later. +% +Performance is directly affected by the perversity of +inanimate objects. +% +Leakproof seals --- will. +% +Never offend people with style +when you can offend them with substance. +% +Our customers paperwork is profit +our own paperwork is loss. +% +At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable. +% +As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse. +% +This space for rent. +% +The more directives you issue to solve a problem, +the worse it gets. +% +Cop-out number 1. +You should have seen it when I got it. +% +When you're up to your ass in alligators, it is +difficult to keep your mind on the fact that your primary +objective was to drain the swamp. +% +The road to hell is paved with good intentions +and littered with sloppy analyses! +% +Self starters --- won't. +% +If the assumptions are wrong, +the conclusions aren't likely to be very good. +% +The organization of any program reflects the organization +of the people who developed it. +% +There is no such thng as a "dirty capitalist", +only a capitalist. +% +Anything is possible, but nothing is easy. +% +The meek will inherit the earth +after the rest of us go to the stars. +% +Capitalism can exist in one of only two states: +welfare or warfare. +% +History proves nothing. +% +A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much +technological roccoco. +% +A little humility is arrogance. +% +Interchangeable parts --- won't. +% +Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of +faults is proportional to the number of viewers. +% +All american cars are basically chevrolets. +% +A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not +take place. +% +No experiment is ever a complete failure. +It can always be used as a bad example. +% +Despite the sign that says "wet paint", +please don't. +% +Everything tastes more or less like chicken. +% +People don't change; they only become more so. +% +I finally got it all together... +but I forgot where I put it. +% +If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is +because of something left out, rather than added. +% +There is always one more bug. +% +The big guys always win. +% +Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. +% +Any sufficiently advanced technology is +indistinguishable from magic. +% +It's always darkest just before the lights go out. +% +It is better to be part of the idle rich class +than be part of the idle poor class. +% +Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem. +% +For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill. +% +If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough +chances are someone else will do it for you. +% +Everybody's gotta be someplace. +% +Nature is a mother. +% +If you've got them by the balls, +their hearts and minds will follow. +% +People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell +them Benjamin Franklin said it first. +% +If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset. +% +Any given program, when running, is obsolete. +% +Any given program cost more and take longer. +% +If a program is useful, it will be changed. +% +If a program is useless, it will be documented. +% +Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. +% +The value of a program is proportional +to the weight of its output. +% +Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy! +% +Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability +of the programmer who must maintain it. +% +Make it possible for programmers to write programs +in english and you will find that programmers cannot +write in english. +% +When more and more people are thrown out of work +unemployment results. +% +If you can't measure it, i'm not interested. +% +The best way to lie is to tell the truth..... +carefully edited truth. +% +There are three ways to get things done: +Do it yourself, +Hire someone to do it, or +Forbid your kids to do it. +% +I think ... therefore I am confused. +% +A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. +% +History repeats itself. +that's one of the things wrong with history. +% +90% of everything is crud. +% +Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can. +% +Those with the best advice offer no advice. +% +Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman. +% +Democracy is that form of government where +everybody gets what the majority deserves. +% +If you're worried about being crazy, +don't be overly concerned: +If you were, you would think you were sane. +% +Pills to be taken in twos always come +out of the bottle in threes. +% +Flynn is dead +Tron is dead +long live the MCP. +% +Why worry about tomorrow? we may not make it through today! +% +Real programmers don't number paragraph names +consecutively. +% +If you're feeling good, don't worry, +you'll get over it. +% +Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages +of Cobol when they don't know any other language. +% +Definition of an elephant: +A mouse built to goverment specifications. +% +Real programmers are kind to rookies. +% +Real programmers don't notch their desks for each +completed service request. +% +You don't have to be crazy to work here +but it sure helps!!!!!!! +% +Real programmers don't announce how many times the +operations department called them last night. +% +A day without sunshine .... +is like ... night! +% +Real programmers are secure enough to write readable code, +which they then self-righteously refuse to explain. +% +Real programmers don't play video games, they write them. +% +Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. +% +Real programmers understand Pascal. +% +Real programmers know it's not operations +fault if their jobs go into "hogs." +% +Real programmers do not eat breakfast from the +vending machines. +% +Real programmers punch up their own programs. +% +When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade. +% +Real programmers have read the standards manual +but won't admit it. +% +Real programmers don't advertise their hangovers. +% +Real programmers don't dress for success unless +they are trying to convince others that they are +going on interviews. +% +Real programmers do not practice four-syllable words before +walkthroughs. +% +All warranties expire upon payment of invoice. +% +Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a +matter of principle. +% +The final test is when it goes production ... +w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t i o n ... +w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t +w h e n i t g o e s p r o +% +Real programmers drink too much coffee so that they will +always seem tense and overworked. +% +Real programmers always have a better idea. +% +Anyone who follows a crowd will +never be followed by a crowd. +% +Real programmers can do octal, hexadecimal and +binary math in their heads. +% +Real programmers don't write memos. +% +Real programmers know what saad means. +% +Real programmers do not utter profanities at an elevated +decible level. +% +Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit. +% +Real programmers do not apply DP terminology to non-DP +situations. +% +I no longer get lost in the shuffle.... +I shuffle along with the lost. +% +Real programmers do not read books like +"effective listening" and "communication skills". +% +Real programmers print only clean compiles, +fixing all errors through the terminal. +% +The early worm deserves the bird. +% +Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!! +% +All good things must come to an end. +I want to know when they start! +% +A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell +in such a way that you look forward to the trip. +% +Blessed are those who go around in circles, +for they shall be known as wheels. +% +Never eat prunes when you are famished. +% +Keep emotionally active, +cater to your favorite neurosis. +% +A RACF protected dataset is inaccessible. +% +RACF is a four letter word. +% +You may be recognized soon. +Hide! +If they find you, lie. +% +You can pray hard enough to make water run uphill +how hard? +Hard enough to make water run uphill. +% +Avoid reality at all costs. +% +Program design philosophy: +Start at the beginning and continue until the end, +then stop. (Lewis Carroll) +% +A closed mouth gathers no foot. +% +Only a mediocre person is always at their best. +% +Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. +% +In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, +the greater the confusion. +% +The first time is for love +the next time is $200. +% +Of two possible events, +only the undesired one will occur. +% +The faster the plane, +the narrower the seats. +% +If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know. +% +If on an actuarial basis there is a 50 50 chance that +something will go wrong, +It will actually go wrong nine times out of ten. +% +A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality. +% +The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to +save all of the parts. +% +1) Things will get worse before they get better. +2) Who said things would get better? +% +If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it. +% +There is a solution to every problem; +the only difficulty is finding it. +% +Don't make your doctor your heir. +% +Don't ask the barber if you need a haircut. +% +If there isn't a law, there will be. +% +If you don't like the answer, +you shouldn't have asked the question. +% +Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. +% +You can't expect to hit the jackpot +if you don't put a few nickles in the machine. +% +Unless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man +in the balls, not even symbolically or perhaps especially +not symbolically. +% +Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse +proportion to their soundness and validity. +% +A short cut is the longest distance between two points. +% +If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor. +% +If you know, you can't say. +% +The meek shall inherit the earth, +but not its mineral rights. +% +1) You can't win +2) You can't break even +3) You can't even quit the game +% +When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. +% +Common sense is not so common. +% +If we learn by our mistakes, +I'm getting one hell of an education!! +% +Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the +embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs. +% +Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation +for being useful. +% +You will always find something in the last place you look. +% +The probability of anything happening is in +inverse ratio to its desirability. +% +The first myth of management is that it exists +the second myth of management is that success equals skill. +% +If it's good they will stop making it. +% +Inside every large program +is a small program struggling to get out. +% +A memorandum is written not to inform the reader +but to protect the writer. +% +Never insult an alligator +until after you have crossed the river. +% +Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart. +% +When your opponent is down, kick him. +% +The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of +someone he can blame it on. +% +The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered +side down is directly proportional to the cost of the +carpet. +% +In the fight between you and the world, back the world. +% +Last guys don't finish nice. +% +Never admit anything. +Never regret anything +whatever it is, your not responsible. +% +If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong. +% +When working toward the solution of a problem, +it always helps if you know the answer. +Provided of course you know there is a problem. +% +The usefulness of any meeting +is in inverse proportion to the attendance. +% +The sun goes down just when you need it the most. +% +Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary +drivel off the tv screen. +% +Whatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest +number must happen. +% +No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after +you have bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper. +% +Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line. +% +A disagreeable task is its own reward. +% +If things were left to chance, they'd be better. +% +The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk +to the other end of the building. +% +Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry. +% +A president of a democracy is a man who is always ready, +willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. +% +If a thing is done wrong ofter enough +it becomes right. +% +People will buy anything that is one to a customer. +% +If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always +manage to boot yourself in the posterior. +% +No one's life, liberty, or property are safe +while the legislature is in session. +% +Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job. +% +Bad news drives good news out of the media. +% +Just when you get really good at something, +you don't need to do it anymore. +% +If facts do not conform to the theory, +they must be disposed of. +% +Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. +% +When properly administered, vacations do not diminish +productivity. For every week you are away and get nothing +done, there is another week when your boss is away and you +get twice as much done. +% +No matter what happens, there is always somebody +who knew that it would. +% +The other line always moves faster. +% +Never eat at a place called moms, never play cards with a +man named doc, and never lie down with a woman who has +got more troubles than you. +% +To get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it. +% +When all else fails, read the instructions. +% +Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than +you thought. +% +Close counts in horseshoes, handgrenades and +thermonuclear devices. +% +The lion and the calf shall lie down together, +but the calf won't get much sleep. +% +If you fool around with a thing for very long you will +screw it up. +% +It is better for civilization to be going down the drain, +than to be coming up it. +% +A $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10› fuse by blowing +first. +% +Justice always prevails... +three times out of seven. +% +If it jams --- force it. If it breaks, +it needed replacing anyway. +% +I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, +when you looked at it in the right way, did not become +still more complicated. Poul Anderson +% +Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath +to the exact center. +% +No matter which direction you start, +it's always against the wind coming back. +% +The repairman will never have seen a model quite like +yours before. +% +Don't force it, +get a bigger hammer. +% +When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, +it will work perfectly. +% +Pity the poor egg; +It only gets laid once in its life. +% +An optimist is a person who looks forward to marriage. +A pessimist is a married optimist! +% +A pessimist is an optimist with experience. +% +Old programmers never die - they just abend. +% +The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, +even in the wrong denomination. +% +Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet +somebody moves the ends! +% +Just because you are paranoid +doesn't mean "they" aren't out to get you. +% +An Irishman is not drunk as long as +he can hang onto a single blade of grass +and not fall off the face of the earth. +% +If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong +equipment. +% +Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, +some prefer to just gargle. +% +Everything is revealed to he who turns over enough stones. +(Including the snakes that he did not want to find.) +% +Everybody should believe in something; +I believe i'll have another drink. +% +Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least. +% +Build a system that even a fool can use, +and only a fool will use it. +% +You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think. +% +Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. +% +It's always the wrong time of the month. +% +In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level +of incompetence, and then remains there. +% +It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick +up something from the floor while you get up. +% +You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash +when the garbage truck is two doors away. +% +Misery no longer loves company +nowdays it insists on it. +% +the race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the +strong, but that's the way to bet. +% +Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it. +% +There's never time to do it right, but there's always +time to do it over. +% +On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone +can be unhappy -- but we will work on it. +% +When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. +% +The more ridiculous a belief system, +the higher probability of its success. +% +Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or +fattening. +% +Old age is always fifteen years older than I am. +% +It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. +% +When you're up to your nose ......., +be sure to keep your mouth shut. +% +One's life tends to be like a beaver's, +one dam thing after another. +% +A bird in hand is safer than one overhead. +% +The ratio of time involved in work to time available for +work is usually about 0.6 +% +Remember the golden rule: +Those that have the gold make the rules. +% +Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and +knows it for he shall enjoy living. +% +Everything east of the San Andreas fault will evenutally +plunge into the Atlantic ocean. +% +I finally got it all together..... +but I forgot where I put it. +% +Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. +% +Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, +for he shall not be disappointed. +% +The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of +an oncoming train. +% +Celibacy is not hereditary. +% +You can observe a lot just by watching. +% +If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, +you will borrow it and +you will break it. +% +Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. +% +Live within your income, +even if you have to borrow to do so. +% +Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone. +% +Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. +% +To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression. +% +An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. +% +Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. +% +A bird in the hand is dead. +% +A smith and wesson beats four aces. +% +Never put all your eggs in your pocket. +% +If everything seems to be going well, +you obviously don't know what the hell is going on. +% +If at first you don't succeed, +blame it on your supervisor. +% +If more than one person is responsible for a +miscalculation, no one will be at fault. +% +Don't bite the hand that has your pay check in it. +% +In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. +% +When in doubt, mumble. +When in trouble, delegate. +When in charge, ponder. +% +Please don't steal, the IRS hates competition! +% +Never argue with a fool, +people might not know the difference. +% +You can't guard against the arbitrary. +% +People can be divided into three groups: +Those who make things happen, +Those who watch things happen and +Those who wonder what happened. +% +I no longer get lost in the shuffle, +I shuffle along with the lost. +% +The one thing that money can not buy is poverty. +% +You are not drunk if you can lay on the floor without +holding on. +% +In any household, junk accumulates to the the space +available for its storage. +% +Don't stop to stomp on ants +when the elephants are stampeding. +% +The longer the title the less important the job. +% +Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion +if it did occur, will occur. +% +When you are right be logical, +When you are wrong be-fuddle. +% +For every human problem, there is a neat, plain solution -- +and it is always wrong. +% +There are no winners in life: Only survivors. +% +When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad. +% +The yoo-hoo you yoo-hoo into the forest is the yoo-hoo you +get back. +% +You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it. +% +The idea is to die young as late as possible. +% +No man is lonely while eating spaghetti. +% +It's better to retire too soon than too late. +% +A man should be greater than some of his parts. +% +If you don't say it, they can't repeat it. +% +Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. +% +Everything takes longer than you expect. +% +Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse. +% +If you see that there are four possible ways in which a +procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a +fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develope. +% +Things get worse under pressure. +% +Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional +and employ faulty reasoning. +% +A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home. +% +Progress is made on alternate Fridays. +% +The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the +time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent. +% +If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. +% +Don't look back, something may be gaining on you. +% +All things being equal, all things are never equal. +% +Even paranoids have enemies. +% +Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place. +% +Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet +reached their level of incompetence. +% +If at first you don't succeed, try something else. +% +If you're coasting, you're going downhill. +% +Never tell them what you wouldn't do. +% +The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely +proportional to the subject's true value. +% +Indifference is the only sure defense. +% +Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. +% +Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest. +% +If you want to get along, go along. +% +Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between. +% +The easiest way to find something lost around the house +is to buy a replacement. +% +Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always +point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark. +% +Make three correct guesses consectively and you will +establish yourself as an expert. +% +It works better if you plug it in. +% +Quit while your still behind. +% +If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, +you better wear work shoes. +% +It's always easier to go down hill, but the view is +from the top. +% +Any line, however short, is still too long. +% +Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten. +% +If you can't measure output then you measure input. +% +Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of +approximate, additional assumptions. +% +Old scottish prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be +right, for thou knowest we will never change our minds. +% +Never be first to do anything. +% +The chief cause of problems is solutions. +% +The only winner in the war of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. +% +A little ignorance can go a long way. +% +Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it. +% +Entropy has us outnumbered. +% +Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. +% +Do whatever your enemies don't want you to do. +% +A little ambiguity never hurt anyone. +% +Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost. +% +Go where the money is. +% +Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the +water that keeps it green. +% +A stagnant science is at a standstill. +% +Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. +% +For every credibility gap there is a gullibility gap. +% +Can't produces countercan't. +% +If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent +of doing you good, you should run for your life. +% +When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty +to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you. +% +If you can't convince them, confuse them. +% +Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups. +% +All general statements are false. (think about it) +% +If it happens, it must be possible. +% +Them what gets--has. +% +If you are already in a hole, there's no use to continue +digging. +% +If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote +programs, then the first woddpecker that came along would +destroy civilization. +% +People will believe anything if you whisper it. +% +A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick +in the pants. +% +Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold +of something else. +% +A theory is better than its explanation. +% +Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing +worse will happen to you the rest of the day. +% +Nobody notices when things go right. +% +There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. +% +Roses are red violets are blue +I am schizophrenic and so am I +% +If anything can go wrong, it will. +% +If anything can't go wrong it will. +% +If muprhy's law can go wrong, it will. +% +If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in +in the worst possible sequence. +% +After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle +will repeat itself. +% +An auditor enters the battlefield after the war is over, +and attacks the wounded. +% +Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse. +% +No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody +who knew it would. +% +Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. +% +The hidden flaw never remains hidden. +% +1. Everything depends. +2. Nothing is always. +3. Everything is sometimes. +% +If you wait, it will go away +....having done it's damage. +If it was bad, it'll be back. +% +Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand +wrong answers. +% +Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune +moment. +% +When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the +world's composed of aluminum and vinyl. +% +In order for something to become clean, something +else must become dirty. +...but you can get everything dirty without getting +anything clean. +% +Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other. +% +The first place to look for anything is the last place +you would expect to find it. +% +You can always find what you're not looking for. +% +If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. +% +It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly +suprised. +% +A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the +whole thing". +% +Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. +% +When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. +% +The time it talkes to rectify a situation is +inversely proportional to the time it took +to do the damage. +% +An optimist believes we live in the best of all +possible worlds. +A pessimist fears this is true. +% +You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it +damnfoolproof. +% +It takes longer to glue a vase together than to +break one. +% +It takes longer to lose 'x' number of pounds than +to gain 'x' number of pounds. +% +The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in +will be taken by the person in front of you. +% +The other line moves faster. +% +If you change lines, the one you just left will start +to move faster than the one you are now in. +% +The longer you wait in line, the greater the +likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. +% +The slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out +lane. +% +Whenever you cut your fingernails you will find a +need for them an hour later. +% +1. If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance + will be down. +2. If the weather is extremely good, church attendance + will be down. +3. If the bulletin covers are in short supply church + attendance will exceed all expectations. +% +If a situation requires undivided attention, it will +occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction. +% +The further away the disaster or accident occurs, the +greater the number of dead and injured required for it +to become a story. +% +The closer you are to the facts of a situation, the +more obvious are the errors in all news coverage of +the situation. +% +The further you are from the facts of a situation, +the more you tend to believe news coverage of the +situation. +% +The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal +the letter. +% +The most interesting specimen will not be labeled. +% +Some errors will always go unnoticed until the book +is in print. +% +The first page the author turns to upon receiving an +advance copy will be the page containing the worst +error. +% +1. Never draw what you can copy. +2. Never copy what you can trace. +3. Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. +% +The best shots happen immediately after the last +frame is exposed. +% +The best shots are generally attempted through the +lens cap. +% +Any surviving best shots are ruined when someone +inadvertently open the darkroom door and all of the +dark leaks out. +% +If a three-story buiding served by one elevator, nine +times out of ten the elevator care will be on a floor +where you are not. +% +The tendency of smoke from a cigarette, barbeque, +campfire, etc. to drift into a person's face varies +directly with that person's sensitivity to smoke. +% +The distance to the gate is inversely proportional +to the time available to catch you flight. +% +As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the +airliner encounters turbulence. +% +Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. +% +Whatever carrousel you stand by, your baggage will +come in on another one. +% +When travelling overseas, the exchange rate improves +markedly the day after one has purchased foreign +currency. +% +Upon returning home, the exchange rate drops again as +soon as one has converted all unused foreign currency. +% +The bigger they are, the harder they hit. +% +For every action, there is an equal and opposite +criticism. +% +Authorization for a project will be granted only when +none of the authorizers can be blamed if the project +fails but when all of the authorizers can claim credit +if it succeeds. +% +If an idea can survive a bureacratic review and be +implemented, it wasn't worth doing. +% +The greater the cost of putting a plan into operation, +the less chance there is of abandoning the plan - even +if it subsequently becomes irreveland. +% +The higher the level of prestige accorded the people +behind the plan, the least less chance there is of +abandoning it. +% +In any organization there will always be one person +who knows what is going on. +This person must be fired. +% +It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. +% +Far-way talent always seems better than home-developed +talent. +% +Personnel recruiting is a triumph of hope over +experience. +% +Some people manage by the book, even though they +don't know who wrote the book or even what book. +% +Don't let your superiors know you're better than +they are. +% +You never know who's right, but you always know +who's in charge. +% +1. Anyone can make a decision given enough facts. +2. A good manager can make a decision without enough + facts. +3. A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance. +% +The boss who attempts to impress employees with his +knowledge of intricate details has lost sight of his +final objective. +% +You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you +don't burn your bridges until you come to them. +% +In a hierarchical system, the rate of pay varies +inversely with the unpleasantness and difficulty +of the task. +% +The client who pays the least complains the most +% +A lack of planning on your part +does not constitute an emergency on my part. +% +I know you believe you understand + what you think I said, + however, I am not sure you realize, + that what I think you heard + is not what I meant +% +Real programmers don't eat muffins. +% +In any bureaucracy, paperwork increases as you spend +more and more time reporting on the less and less you +are doing. Stability is achieved when you spend all of +your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. +% +Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for +a number and then give it back to them. +% +When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it +around instead of picking it up. +% +The chances of anybody doing anything are inversely +proportional to the number of other people who are in +a position to do it instead. +% +Never make a decision you can get someone else to make. +% +No one keeps a record of decisions you could have made +but didn't. Everyone keeps a records of your bad ones. +% +For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision. +% +The inside contact that you have developed at great +expense is the first person to be let go in any +reorganization. +% +It's tough to get reallocated when you're the one +who's redundant. +% +Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. +% +If you're early, it'be cancelled. +If you knock yourself out to be on time, you will + have to wait. +If you're late, you will be too late. +% +A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept +and the hours are lost. +% +If you leave the room, you're elected. +% +The cream rises to the top. +So does the scum. +% +You can never do just one thing. +% +There's no time like the present for postponing +what you don't want to do. +% +Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday. +% +The more complicated and grandiose the plan, the +greater the chance of ailure. +% +Simple jobs always get put off because there will be +time to do them later. +% +Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. +% +A work project expands to fill the space available. +% +No matter how large the work space, if two projects +must be done at the same time they will require the +same part of the work space. +% +The one wrench or drill bit you need will be the one +missing from the tool chest. +% +Most projects require three hands. +% +Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts. +% +The more carefully you plan a project, the more +confusion there is when something goes wrong. +% +Murphy's rule for precision: + Measure with a micrometer + Mark with chalk + Cut with an axe +% +You can't fix it if it ain't broke. +% +First rule of intelligent tinkering: + Save all the parts +% +Access holes will be 1/2" too small. +Holes that are the right size will be in the wrong place. +% +If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company +will insist upon repairing the old one. +% +If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the +company will insist on the latest model. +% +The primary function of the design engineer is to make +things difficult for the fabricator and impossible +for the serviceman. +% +That component of any circuit which has the shortest +service life will be placed in the least +accessible location. +% +Any circuit design must contain at least one part which +is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three +parts which at still under development. +% +Important letters which contain no errors will develop +errors in the mail. +% +Office machines which function perfectly during normal +business hours will break down when you return to the +office at night to use them for personal business. +% +Machines that have broken down will work perfectly +when the repairman arrives. +% +Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick +them will stick to other things when you don't want +them to. +% +Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by +spontaneously moving from where you left them to where +you can't find them. +% +The last person who quit or was fired will be held +responsible for everything that goes wrong -- until +the next person quits or is fired. +% +If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you +don't want his the paper. +% +The one time in the day that you lean back and relax +is the one time the boss walks through the office. +% +Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass. +% +When you do not know what you are going, do it neatly. +% +Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else. +% +Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. +% +1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. +2. If it stinks, it's chemistry. +3. If it doesn't work, it's physics. +% +Nothing improves an innovation like lack of controls. +% +The quality of correlation is inversely proportional +to the density of control. +% +If reproducibility may be a problem conduct the +test only once. +% +if a straight line fit is required, obtain only two +data points. +% +Any technical problem can be overcome given enough +time and money. +% +You are never given enough time or money. +% +Unless the results are known in advance, funding +agencies will reject the proposal. +% +It is better to solve a problem with a crude +approximation and know the truth, than to demand an +exact solution and not know the truth at all. +% +An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful +than a comples, incompreshensible truth. +% +Anyone who make a significant contribution to any field +of endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, +becomes an obstruction ot its progress -- in direct +proportion to the importance of his original contribution. +% +If a scientist encovers a publishable fact, it will +become central to his theory. + +His theory, in turn, will become central to all +scientific though. +% +There is no such thing as a straight line. +% +In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur +at the opposite end to the end at which you begin +checking for errors. +% +Only errors exist. +% +One man's error is another man's data. +% +To err is human, but to really foul things up requires +a computer. +% +When putting it into memory, remember where you put it. +% +Never test for an error condition you don't know +how to handle. +% +Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since +nobody listens. +% +People who love sausage and respect the law should +never watch either one being made. +% +No matter what they're telling you, they're not +telling you the whole truth. +% +No matter what they're talking about, they're +talking about money. +% +In any dealings with a collective body of people, the +people will always be more tacky than originally expected. +% +If you can keep your head when all about you are losing +theirs, then you just don't understand the problemr. +% +Information deteriorates upward through the bureaucracies. +% +When an exaggerated emphasis is placed upon delegation, +responsibility, like sediment, sinks to the bottom. +% +When outrageous expenditures are divided finely enough +the public will not have enough stake in any one +expenditure to squelch it. +% +When the government bureau's remedies do not match your +problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. +% +A fool and your money are soon partners. +% +You may know where the market is going, but you can't +possibly know where it's going after that. +% +Among economists, the real world is often a special case. +% +Trial balances don't. +% +Working capital doesn't. +% +Liquidity tends to run out. +% +Return on investments won't. +% +If everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it. +% +Mass man must be servied by mass means. +% +Everything is contagious. +% +Nothing is ever done for the right reasons. +% +The secret of success is sincerity. once you can fake +that you've got it made. +% +An expert is anyone from out of town. +% +An expert is one who knows more and more about less +and less until he knows absolutely everything +about nothing. +% +To spot the expert, pick the one who perdicts the job +wil take the longest and cost the most. +% +If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you've just +become the expert. +% +Indecision is the basis for flexibility. +% +Anything is possible if you don't know what you're +talking about. +% +Never create a problem for which you do not have +the answer. +% +Create problems for which only you have the answer. +% +A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. +% +Hindsight is an exact science. +% +History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely +repeat each other. +% +Fact is solidified opinion. +% +Facts may weaken under extreme heat and pressure. +% +Truth is elastic. +% +When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue. +% +When in trouble, obfuscate. +% +Progress does not consist in replacing a theory that is +wrong with one that is right. It consists in replacing +a theory that is wrong with one that is more sublty wrong. +% +It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex +task to make them simple. +% +If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man, he +will find an easier way to do it. +% +Every great idean has a disadvantage equal to or +exceeding the greatness of the idea. +% +Never attribute to malice that which is adequately +explained by stupidity. +% +New systems generate new problems. +% +Systems should not be unnecessarily multiplied. +% +Systems tend to grow, and as they grow they encroach. +% +Complicated systems produce unexpected outcomes. +% +The total behavior of large systems cannot be predicted. +% +A large system, produced by expanding the dimensions of +a smaller system, does not behave like the smaller system. +% +People in systems do not do what the systems says +they are doing. +% +The system itself does not do what it says it is doing. +% +A complex system that works is invariably found to have +evolved from a simple system that works. +% +A complex system designed from scratch never works and +cannot be patched up to make it work. You have to start +over, beginning with a working simple system. +% +1. Everything is a system. +2. Everything is part of a larger system. +3. The universe is infinitely systematized both upward + (larger systems) and downward (smaller systems). +4. All systems are infinitely complex. (the illuison + of simplicity comes from focussing attention on + one or a few variables). +% +Complex systems tend to oppose their own proper function. +% +If the course you wanted most has room for 'n' students +you will be the 'n + 1' to apply. +% +Class schedules are designed so that every student will +waste the maximum time between classes. +% +Show me a person who's never made a mistake and i'll +show you somebdoy who's never achieved much. +% +When you consider there are 24 hours in a day, it's +sad to know that only one is called the happy hour. +% +When you are able to schedule two classes in a row, +they will be held in classrooms at opposite end of +the campus. +% +A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered +only during the semester following the desired course. +% +When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most +important ones will be illegible. +% +The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure +you are as to which answer they want. +% +80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture +you missed about the one book you didn't read. +% +The night before the english history mid-term, your +biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. +% +Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else +to do except study for that instructor's course. +% +If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget +your book. +If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget +where you live. +% +At the end of the semester you will recall having +enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester +-- and never attending. +% +The one course you must take to graduate will not be +offered during your last semester. +% +The more general the title of a course, the less +you will learn from it. +% +The more specific the title of a course, the less you +will be able to apply it later. +% +The most valuable quotation will be the one for which +you cannot determine the source. +% +The source for an unattributed quotation will appear +in the most hostile review of your work. +% +When a writer prepares a manuscript on a subject he does +not understand, his work will be understood only by +readers who know more about that subject than he does. +% +Writings prepared without understanding must fail in the +first ojbective of communication -- informing +the uninformed. +% +When a student asks for a second time if you have read +his book report, he did not read the book. +% +If daily class attendance is mandatory, a schedules +exam will product increased absenteeism. If attendance +is optional, a schedules exam will produce persons you +have never seen before. +% +Just because your doctor has a name for your condition +doesn't mean he knows what it is. +% +The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the +waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for +your scheduled appointment. +% +Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles. +% +You never have the right number of pills left on the +last day of a prescription. +% +The pills to be taken with meals will be the least +appetizing ones. +% +Even water tastes bad when taken on doctors orders. +% +If your condition seems to be getting better, it's +probably your doctor getting sick. +% +Beware of the physician who is great at getting +out of trouble. +% +A drug is that substance which, when injected into a +rat, will produce a scientific report. +% +Before ordering a test decide what you will do if it +is 1) positive, or 2) negative. If both answers are the +same, don't do the test. +% +The radiologists' national flower is the hedge. +% +The feasibility of an operation is not the best +indiciation for its performance. +% +A physician's ability is inversely proportional +to his availability. +% +There are two kinds of adhesive tape: that which won't +stay on and that which won't come off. +% +Everbody wants a pain shot at the same time. +% +Everybody who didn't want a pain shot when you were +passing out pain shots wants one when you are passing +out sleeping pills. +% +An alcoholic is a person who drinks more that his +own physician. +% +Fools rush in -- and get the best seats. +% +At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from +the aisle arrive last. +% +Exciting plays occur only whil you are watching the +scoreboard or out buying a hot dog. +% +Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by +firing the coach. +% +The wrong quarterback is the one that's in there. +% +A free agent is anything but. +% +Hockey is a game played by six good players and the +home team. +% +Whatever can go to New York, will. +% +Whenever a superstar is traded to your favorite team, +he fades. Whenever your team trades away a usless +no-name, he immediately rises to stardom. +% +Never leave hold of what you've got until you've +got hold of something else. +% +A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or +her opposition. +% +The only way to make up for being lost is to make +record time while you are lost. +% +The amount of wind will vary inversely with the number +and experience of the people you have on board. +% +No matter how strong the breeze when you leave the dock +once you have reached the furthest point from port +the wind will die. +% +The time available to go fishing shrinks as the fishing +season draws nearer. +% +The least experienced fisherman always catches the +biggest fish. +% +The more elaborate and costly the equipment, the greater +the chance of having to stop at the fish market +on the way home. +% +The worse your line is tangled, the better is the +fishing around you. +% +The mountain gets steeper as you get closer. +% +The mountain looks closer that it is. +% +All trails have more uphill sections that they have +level or downhill sections. +% +The one who leasts wants to play is the one who will win. +% +All things being equal, you lose. + +All things being in your favor, you still lose. +% +Win or lose, you lose. +% +No matter where you go, there you are! +% +It always takes longer to get there than to get back. +% +If everything is coming your way, you're in the +wrong lane. +% +If you allow someone to get in front of you either: +a. the car in front will be the last one over a + railroad crossing, and you will be stuck waiting + for a long, slow-moving train; or +b. you both will have the same destination and the + other car will get the last parking space. +% +If you have to park six blocks away, you will find two +new parking spaces right in front of the building +entrance. +% +When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn +green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop. +% +A car and a truck approaching each other on an otherwise +deserted road will meet at the narrow bridge. +% +The speed of an oncoming vehicle is directly proportional +to the length of the passing zone. +% +The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly +in front of your eyes. +% +If you can get to the faulty part, you don't have the +tool to get it off. +% +If you can get the faulty part off, the parts house +will have it back-ordered. +% +If the faulty part is in stock, it didn't need replacing +in the first place. +% +When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you +becomes a hammer. +% +No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end +up covered with grease and motor oil. +% +When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used +interchangeably. +% +Automotive engine reparing law: +If you drop something, it will never reach the ground. +% +If you lived here you'd be home now. +% +If it's good, they discontinue it. +% +It the shoe fits, it's ugly. +% +1. If you like it, they don't have it in your size. +2. If you like it and it's in your size, it doesn't + fit anyway. +3. If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it. +4. If you like it, it fits and you can afford it, it + falls apart the first time you wear it. +% +The one you want is never the one on sale. +% +Anything labeled "new" and/or "improved" isn't. +% +The label "new" and/or "improved" means the price went up. +% +The label "all new," "completely new" or "great news" +means the price went way way up. +% +If an item is advertised as "under $50," you can bet +it's not $19.95. +% +ACF2 is a four letter word. +% +If only one price can be obtained for any quotation, +the price will be unreasonable. +% +A 60-day warranty guarantees that the product will +self-destruct on the 61st day. +% +The "consumer report" on the item will come out a week +after you've made your purchase: + + 1. The one you bought will be rated "unacceptable". + 2. The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy". +% +If you don't write to complain, you'll never receive +your order. +If you do write, you'll receive the merchandise before +your angry letter reaches its destination. +% +The most important item in an order will no longer +be available. +% +During the time an item is on back-order, it will be +available cheaper and quicker from many other sources. +% +People will buy anthing that's one to a customer. +% +Security isn't. +% +Management can't. +% +Sale promotions don't. +% +Consumer assistance doesn't. +% +Workers won't. +% +Cleanliness is next to impossible. +% +Multiple-function gadgets will not perform any +function adequately. +% +The more expensive the gadget, the less often you +will use it. +% +The simpler the instruction (e.g. "press here"), the +more difficult it will be to open the package. +% +In a family recipe you just discovered in an old book, +the most vital measurement will be illegible. +% +Once a dish is fouled up. anything added to save it +only makes it worse. +% +You are always complimented on the item which took the +least effort to prepare. + +example: + + If you make "duck a l'orange" you will be + complimented on the baked potato. +% +The one ingredient you made a special trip to the store +to get will be the one thing your guest is allergic to. +% +The more time and energy you put into preparing a meal +the greater the chance you guests will spend the entire +meal discussing other meals they have had. +% +Souffles rise and cream whips only for the family and +for guests you didn't really want to invite anyway. +% +The rotten egg will be the one you break into the +cake batter. +% +Any cooking utensil placed in the dishwasher will be +needed immediately thereafter for something else. +% +Any measuring utensil used for liquid ingredients will +be needed immediately thereafter for dry ingredients. +% +Time spent consuming a meal is in inverse proportion +to time spent preparing it. +% +Whatever it is, somebody will have had it for lunch. +% +If you're wondering if you took the meat out to +thaw, you didn't. +% +If you're wondering if you left the coffee pot +plugged in, you did. +% +If you're wondering if you need to stop and pick up +bread and eggs on the way home, you do. +% +If you're wondering if you have enough money to take +the family out to eat tonight, you don't. +% +The spot you are scrubbing on glassware is always on +the other side. +% +Washing machines only break down during the wash cycle. +% +All break downs occur on the plumber's day off. +% +Cost of repair can be determined by multiplying the +cost of your new coat by 1.75, or by multiplying the +cost of a new washer by .75. +% +There is always more dirty laundry then clean laundry. +% +If it's clean, it isn't laundry. +% +A child will not spill on a dirty floor. +% +An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. +% +Any child who chatters non-stop at home will adamantly +refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate +for an audience. +% +A shy, introverted child will choose a crowded public +area to loudly demonstrate new acquired vocabulary. +% +The probablility of a cat eating its dinner has +absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food +placed before it. +% +The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss +to go in or out is directly proportional to the number +and importance of your dinner guests. +% +The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of +junk food available. +% +If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe, +there won't be any left by the time they are ripe. If +you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten. +% +How long a minute is depends on which side of the +bathroom door you're on. +% +The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely +with its price and directly with its ugliness. +% +If you have watched a tv series only once, and you watch +it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode. +% +If there are only 2 shows worth watching, they will be +on together. +% +The only new tv show worth watching will be cancelled. +% +The tv show you've been looking forward to all week +will be preempted. +% +Most people deserve each other. +% +Possessions increase to fill the space available for +their storage. +% +When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal +% +1. The telephone will ring when you are outside the + door, fumbling for your keys. + +2. You will reach it just in time to hear the click + of the caller hanging up. +% +People to whom you are attracted invariably thing you +remind them of someone else. +% +The one who snores will fall asleep first. +% +Never get excited about a blind date because of how +it sounds over the phone. +% +The love letter you finally got the courage to send +will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to +make a fool of yourself in person. +% +Other people's romantic gestures seem novel and exciting. + +Your own romantic gestures seem fooolish and clumsy. +% +The length of a marriage is inversely proportional +to the amount spent on the wedding. +% + All probabilities are 50%. either a thing will + happen or it won't. + + This is especially true when dealing with women. + + Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. +% +Sow your wild oats on saturday night - then on +sunday pray for crop failure. +% +The probablility of meeting someone you know increases +when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. +% +If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember +you - the next time he's in need. +% +Virtue is its own punishment. +% +If you do something right once, someone will ask +you to do it again. +% +The one day you'd sell your soul for something, +souls are a glut. +% +The scratch on the record is always through the song +you like most. +% +Superiority is recessive. +% +Forgive and remember. +% +Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral +or fattening. +% +Anything good in life either causes cancer in +laboratory mice or is taxed beyond reality. +% +To err is human -- to blame it on someone else is +even more human. +% +Whatever happens to you, it will previously have +happened to everyone you know only more so. +% +He who laughs last -- probably didn't get the joke. +% +Don't worry over what other people are thinking about +you. they're too busy worrying over what you are +thinking about them. +% +In a bureaucratic hierarchy, the higher up the +organization the less people appreciate murphy's law, +the peter principle, etc. +% +Law expands in proportion to the resources available +for its enforcement. +% +Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed. +% +There are some things which are impossible to know - +but it is impossible to know these things. +% +When we try to pick out anything by itself we find +it hitched to everything else in the universe. +% +If one views his problem closely enough he will +recoginize himself as part of the problem. +% +Anything may be divided into as many parts as you please. +% +Everything may be divided into as many parts as you please. +% +If several things that could have gone wrong have not +gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial +for them to have gone wrong. +% +The quickest way to experiment with acupuncture is to +try on a new shirt. +% +Absolutely nothing in the world is friendlier than +a wet dog. +% +The severity of an itch is inversely proportional +to the reach. +% +A hug is the perfect gift - one size fits all, and +nobody minds if you exchange it. +% +The only game that can't be fixed is peek-a-boo. +% +Ignorance should be painful. +% +The first insurance agent was david - +he gave goliath a piece of the rock. +% +King arthur ran the first knight club. +% +Magellan was the first strait man. +% +If you smile when everything goes wrong, you are +either a nitwit or a repariman. +% +If it weren't for the opinion polls we'd never know +what people are undecided about. +% +No news is... impossible. +% +Laugh and the world laughs with you. cry and ... +you have to blow your nose. +% +A penny saved is ...not much. +% +He who marries for money...better be nice to his wife. +% +It's always darkest before ...daylight saving time. +% +If at first you don't succeed...get new batteries. +% +There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action. +% +Life is like an ice-cream cone: You have to learn to +lick it. +% +One place where you're sure to find the perfect +driver is in the back seat. +% +Nothing is indestructible, with the possible exception +of discount-priced fruitcakes. +% +How do they know no two snowflakes are alike. +% +How did they measure hail before the golf ball was invented. +% +To err is human, to forgive is divine -- +but to forget it altogether is humane. +% +"Watching a birdie" in hand is safer that watching +one overhead. +% +The light at the end of the tunnel can be a helluva +nuisance, espically if your're using the tunnel +as a darkroom. +% +Never play leapfrog with a photo enlarger. +% +Never argue with an artist. +% +When in doubt, don't muble, overexpose...then mumble. +% +The light at the end of the tunnel really is a train. +% +A budget is saving quarters in a mason jar for +christmas and spending them by easter. +% +A budget is spending $15.00 on gas to drive to a +shopping mall to save $4.30 on a 20 pound turkey. +% +A budget is wondering why you should balance yours +if the government can not balance theirs. +% +A budget is trying to figure out how the family next +door is doing it. +% +A budget is a plan that falls apart when the plumber +has to make an emergency visit. +% +A budget is trying to make $25.00 go as far today as +it did when you were first married. +% +A budget is buying a dress two sizes too small because +it was marked down. +% +You sure have to borrow a lot of money these days to +be an average consumer. +% +He who dies with the most toys wins. +% +A fool and his money soon go partying. +% +If his IQ was any lower he'd be a plant. +% +Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. +% +It is far better to do nothing that to do +something efficiently. + Siezbo +% +The man who has no more problems is out of the game. +% +The race goes not always to the swift, nor the battle +to the strong, but that's the way to bet. +% +A fool and his money are invited places. +% +All things come to him whose name is on a mailing list. +% +The hand that rocks the craddle usually is attached +to someone who isn't getting enough sleep. +% +After winning an argument with his wife, +the wisest thing a man can do is apologize. +% +If opportunity came disguised as temptation, +one knock would be enough. +% +If there was any justice in this world, people would +occasionally be permitted to fly over pigeons. +% +Easy doesn't do it. +% +Most people want to be delivered from temptation but +would like it to keep in touch. +% +When a distinguised scientist states something is possible, +he is almost certainly right. When he states that +something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. +% +Early to rise and early to bed makes a male +healthy and wealthy and dead. +% +Everyone gets away with something. +No one gets away with everything. +% +Remain silent about your intentions until you are sure +*--------------------------------------------------------------------* +* Extensions as added by me, Jim Marshall +*--------------------------------------------------------------------* +% +Calm down .... it is only ones and zeros. +% +Real programmers don't write Cobol. +Cobol is for wimpy applications programmers. +% +I have not lost my mind, it is backed up on tape somewhere. +% +Real programmers do not document. +Documentation is for simps who can't read listings or +object code. +% +Real programmers don't write specs -- users should +consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and +take what they get. +% +Real programmers don't comment their code. if it is hard +to write, it should be hard to understand. +% +Real programmers don't write apllications programs; they +program right down on the bare metal. Application +programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming. +% +Real programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real +programmers don't know how to spell quiche. They eat +twinkies and szechwan food. +% +Real programmer's programs never work the first time. but +if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into +working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions. +% +Real programmers don't write in Fortran. Fortran is for +pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. +% +Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real +programmers are around at 9 a.m., it's because they +were up all night. +% +Real programmers don't write in basic. Actually, no +programmers write in basic after age 12. +% +Real programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for +programmers who can't decide whether to write in +Cobol or Fortran. +% +Real programmers don't play tennis or any other sport +that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is +ok, and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work +in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle +of the machine room. +% +Real programmers don't write in Pascal, Bliss, or Ada, or +any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong +typing is for people with weak memories. +% +On a clear disk, you can seek forever. +% +Hollerith got us into this hole mess! +% +No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets, +with the same staff that started it. Yours will not be the +first. +% +When things are going well, something will go wrong. +- when things just can't get any worse, they will. +- when things appear to be going better you have overlooked + something. +% +If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of +change will exceed the rate of progress. +% +No system is ever completely debugged: Attempts to debug +a system will inevitably introduce new bugs that are even +harder to find. +% +A carelessly planned project will take three times +longer than expected; a carefully planned project will +take only twice as long. +% +After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said +than done +% +If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. +% +Never wrestle with a pig, you both get dirty, and the pig +likes it! +% +Never argue with an idiot: People watching may not be able +to tell the difference. +% +Don't fight with a bear in his own cage. +% +The six steps of program management are: + 1. Wild enthusiasm + 2. Disenchantment + 3. Total confusion + 4. Search for guilty + 5. Punishment for the innocent + 6. Promotion of the non-participants +% +He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from +the next freeway exit. +% +An expert doesn't know any more than you do. He oe she is +merely better organized and uses slides. +% +Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have +to do it himself/herself. +% +You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to +float on his back, you've really got something. +% +You win some, lose some, and some get rained out; but you +gotta suit up for them all. +% +People are promoted not by what they can do, but what +people think they can do. +% +Don't smoke in bed - the ashes on the floor might be your +own. diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy-o b/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy-o new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0d33993 --- /dev/null +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy-o @@ -0,0 +1,26 @@ +%%$FreeBSD$ +You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think. +% +When you're up to your nose in shit, +be sure to keep your mouth shut. +% +One's life tends to be like a beaver's, +one dam thing after another. +% +Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. +% +Old Scottish prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be +right, for thou knowest we will never change our minds. +% +All probabilities are 50%: either a thing will +happen or it won't. + +This is especially true when dealing with women. + +Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. +% +Sow your wild oats on Saturday night - then on +Sunday pray for crop failure. +% +Early to rise and early to bed makes a male +healthy and wealthy and dead. -- cgit v1.1