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diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy b/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy index be7ce68..d044409 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy @@ -1,991 +1,1021 @@ %%$FreeBSD$ % -When things are going well, someone will inevitably -experiment detrimentally. +(1) Anyone can make a decision given enough facts. +(2) A good manager can make a decision without enough + facts. +(3) A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance. % -If not controlled, work will flow to the competent -man until he submerges. +(1) Everything depends. +(2) Nothing is always. +(3) Everything is sometimes. % -The deficiency will never show itself during the test runs. +(1) Everything is a system. +(2) Everything is part of a larger system. +(3) The universe is infinitely systematized both upward + (larger systems) and downward (smaller systems). +(4) All systems are infinitely complex. (The illusion + of simplicity comes from focusing attention on + one or a few variables). % -The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found -in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting. +(1) If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. +(2) If it stinks, it's chemistry. +(3) If it doesn't work, it's physics. % -It is impossible to build a fool proof system; -because fools are so ingenious. +(1) If the weather is extremely bad, church + attendance will be down. +(2) If the weather is extremely good, church + attendance will be down. +(3) If the bulletin covers are in short supply + church attendance will exceed all expectations. % -Talent in staff work or sales will continually be -interpreted as managerial ability. +(1) If you like it, they don't have it in your size. +(2) If you like it and it's in your size, it doesn't + fit anyway. +(4) If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it. +(5) If you like it, it fits and you can afford it, it + falls apart the first time you wear it. % -Information travels more surely to those with a -lesser need to know. +(1) Never draw what you can copy. +(2) Never copy what you can trace. +(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. % -The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his -subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems. +(1) The telephone will ring when you are outside the + door, fumbling for your keys. + +(2) You will reach it just in time to hear the click + of the caller hanging up. % -An original idea can never emerge from committee -in its original form. +1) Things will get worse before they get better. +2) Who said things would get better? % -No good deed goes unpunished. +80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture +you missed about the one book you didn't read. % -When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system -will perform perfectly. +90% of everything is crud. % -Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce -multiple interpretations. +A $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10c fuse by blowing +first. % -The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by -the paper clip of the overlying memo and go to file. +A 60-day warranty guarantees that the product will +self-destruct on the 61st day. % -On successive charts of the same organization, the number of -boxes will never decrease. +A bird in hand is safer than one overhead. % -It is ok to be ignorant in some areas, -but some people abuse the privilege. +A bird in the hand is dead. % -Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment -to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime. +A budget is a plan that falls apart when the plumber +has to make an emergency visit. % -Success can be insured only by devising a defense against -failure of the contingency plan. +A budget is buying a dress two sizes too small because +it was marked down. % -Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later. +A budget is saving quarters in a mason jar for +Christmas and spending them by Easter. % -Performance is directly affected by the perversity of -inanimate objects. +A budget is spending $15.00 on gas to drive to a +shopping mall to save $4.30 on a 20 pound turkey. % -Leakproof seals --- will. +A budget is trying to figure out how the family next +door is doing it. % -Never offend people with style -when you can offend them with substance. +A budget is trying to make $25.00 go as far today as +it did when you were first married. % -Our customers' paperwork is profit. -Our own paperwork is loss. +A budget is wondering why you should balance yours +if the government can not balance theirs. % -At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable. +A car and a truck approaching each other on an otherwise +deserted road will meet at the narrow bridge. % -As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse. +A carelessly planned project will take three times +longer than expected; a carefully planned project will +take only twice as long. % -This space for rent. +A child will not spill on a dirty floor. % -The more directives you issue to solve a problem, -the worse it gets. +A closed mouth gathers no foot. % -Cop-out number 1. -You should have seen it when I got it. +A complex system designed from scratch never works and +cannot be patched up to make it work. You have to start +over, beginning with a working simple system. % -The road to hell is paved with good intentions -and littered with sloppy analyses! +A complex system that works is invariably found to have +evolved from a simple system that works. % -Self starters --- won't. +A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. % -If the assumptions are wrong, -the conclusions aren't likely to be very good. +A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home. % -The organization of any program reflects the organization -of the people who developed it. +A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not +take place. % -There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", -only a capitalist. +A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the +whole thing". % -Anything is possible, but nothing is easy. +A day without sunshine .... +is like ... night! % -The meek will inherit the earth -after the rest of us go to the stars. +A disagreeable task is its own reward. % -Capitalism can exist in one of only two states: -welfare or warfare. +A drug is that substance which, when injected into a +rat, will produce a scientific report. % -History proves nothing. +A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. % -A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much -technological roccoco. +A fool and his money are invited places. % -A little humility is arrogance. +A fool and his money soon go partying. % -Interchangeable parts --- won't. +A fool and your money are soon partners. % -Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of -faults is proportional to the number of viewers. +A free agent is anything but. % -All American cars are basically Chevrolets. +A hug is the perfect gift - one size fits all, and +nobody minds if you exchange it. % -A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not -take place. +A large system, produced by expanding the dimensions of +a smaller system, does not behave like the smaller system. % -No experiment is ever a complete failure. -It can always be used as a bad example. +A little ambiguity never hurt anyone. % -Despite the sign that says "wet paint", -please don't. +A little humility is arrogance. % -People don't change; they only become more so. +A little ignorance can go a long way. % -I finally got it all together... -but I forgot where I put it. +A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much +technological roccoco. % -If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is -because of something left out, rather than added. +A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality. % -There is always one more bug. +A man should be greater than some of his parts. % -The big guys always win. +A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or +her opposition. % -Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. +A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept +and the hours are lost. % -It's always darkest just before the lights go out. +A memorandum is written not to inform the reader +but to protect the writer. % -It is better to be part of the idle rich class -than be part of the idle poor class. +A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick +in the pants. % -Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem. +A penny saved is ... not much. % -For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill. +A pessimist is an optimist with experience. % -If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough -chances are someone else will do it for you. +A physician's ability is inversely proportional +to his availability. % -Everybody's gotta be someplace. +A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered +only during the semester following the desired course. % -Nature is a mother. +A president of a democracy is a man who is always ready, +willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. % -If you've got them by the balls, -their hearts and minds will follow. +A RACF protected dataset is inaccessible. % -People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell -them Benjamin Franklin said it first. +A short cut is the longest distance between two points. % -If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset. +A shy, introverted child will choose a crowded public +area to loudly demonstrate newly acquired vocabulary. % -Any given program, when running, is obsolete. +A stagnant science is at a standstill. % -Any given program costs more and takes longer. +A theory is better than its explanation. % -If a program is useful, it will be changed. +A work project expands to fill the space available. % -If a program is useless, it will be documented. +Absolutely nothing in the world is friendlier than +a wet dog. % -Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. +Access holes will be 1/2" too small. +Holes that are the right size will be in the wrong place. % -The value of a program is proportional -to the weight of its output. +ACF2 is a four letter word. % -Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy! +Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later. % -Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability -of the programmer who must maintain it. +After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said +than done % -Make it possible for programmers to write programs -in English and you will find that programmers cannot -write in English. +After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle +will repeat itself. % -When more and more people are thrown out of work, -unemployment results. +After winning an argument with his wife, +the wisest thing a man can do is apologize. % -If you can't measure it, I'm not interested. +All American cars are basically Chevrolets. % -The best way to lie is to tell the truth..... -carefully edited truth. +All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off. % -There are three ways to get things done: - (1) Do it yourself, - (2) Hire someone to do it, or - (3) Forbid your kids to do it. +All general statements are false. (Think about it.) % -I think ... therefore I am confused. +All good things must come to an end. +I want to know when they start! % -A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. +All things being equal, all things are never equal. % -History repeats itself. -that's one of the things wrong with history. +All things being equal, you lose. + +All things being in your favor, you still lose. + +Win or lose, you lose. % -90% of everything is crud. +All things come to him whose name is on a mailing list. % -Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can. +All trails have more uphill sections than they have +level or downhill sections. % -Those with the best advice offer no advice. +All warranties expire upon payment of invoice. % -Democracy is that form of government where -everybody gets what the majority deserves. +Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. % -If you're worried about being crazy, -don't be overly concerned: -If you were, you would think you were sane. +Among economists, the real world is often a special case. % -Pills to be taken in twos always come -out of the bottle in threes. +An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his +own physician. % -Flynn is dead -Tron is dead -long live the MCP. +An auditor enters the battlefield after the war is over, +and attacks the wounded. % -Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today! +An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful +than a complex, incomprehensible truth. % -Real programmers don't number paragraph names -consecutively. +An expert doesn't know any more than you do. He or she is +merely better organized and uses slides. % -If you're feeling good, don't worry, -you'll get over it. +An expert is anyone from out of town. % -Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages -of Cobol when they don't know any other language. +An expert is one who knows more and more about less +and less until he knows absolutely everything +about nothing. % -Definition of an elephant: -A mouse built to government specifications. +An optimist believes we live in the best of all +possible worlds. +A pessimist fears this is true. % -Real programmers are kind to rookies. +An optimist is a person who looks forward to marriage. +A pessimist is a married optimist! % -Real programmers don't notch their desks for each -completed service request. +An original idea can never emerge from committee +in its original form. % -You don't have to be crazy to work here -but it sure helps!!!!!!! +An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. % -Real programmers don't announce how many times the -operations department called them last night. +An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. % -A day without sunshine .... -is like ... night! +Any child who chatters non-stop at home will adamantly +refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate +for an audience. % -Real programmers are secure enough to write readable code, -which they then self-righteously refuse to explain. +Any circuit design must contain at least one part which +is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three +parts which at still under development. % -Real programmers don't play video games, they write them. +Any cooking utensil placed in the dishwasher will be +needed immediately thereafter for something else. % -Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. +Any given program costs more and takes longer. % -Real programmers understand Pascal. +Any given program, when running, is obsolete. % -Real programmers know it's not operations' -fault if their jobs go into "hogs". +Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. % -Real programmers do not eat breakfast from the -vending machines. +Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion +if it did occur, will occur. % -Real programmers punch up their own programs. +Any line, however short, is still too long. % -When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade. +Any measuring utensil used for liquid ingredients will +be needed immediately thereafter for dry ingredients. % -Real programmers have read the standards manual -but won't admit it. +Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday. % -Real programmers don't advertise their hangovers. +Any technical problem can be overcome given enough +time and money. + +You are never given enough time or money. % -Real programmers don't dress for success unless -they are trying to convince others that they are -going on interviews. +Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of +approximate, additional assumptions. % -Real programmers do not practice four-syllable words before -walkthroughs. +Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of +faults is proportional to the number of viewers. % -All warranties expire upon payment of invoice. +Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath +to the exact center. % -Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a -matter of principle. +Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry. % -The final test is when it goes production ... -w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t i o n ... -w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t -w h e n i t g o e s p r o +Anyone who follows a crowd will +never be followed by a crowd. % -Real programmers drink too much coffee so that they will -always seem tense and overworked. +Anything good in life either causes cancer in +laboratory mice or is taxed beyond reality. % -Real programmers always have a better idea. +Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or +fattening. % -Anyone who follows a crowd will -never be followed by a crowd. +Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart. % -Real programmers can do octal, hexadecimal and -binary math in their heads. +Anything is possible, but nothing is easy. % -Real programmers don't write memos. +Anything is possible if you don't know what you're +talking about. % -Real programmers know what saad means. +Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. % -Real programmers do not utter profanities at an elevated -decibel level. +Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than +you thought. % -Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit. +As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse. % -Real programmers do not apply DP terminology to non-DP -situations. +Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups. % -I no longer get lost in the shuffle.... -I shuffle along with the lost. +Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. % -Real programmers do not read books like -"effective listening" and "communication skills". +At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from +the aisle arrive last. % -Real programmers print only clean compiles, -fixing all errors through the terminal. +At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable. % -The early worm deserves the bird. +At the end of the semester you will recall having +enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester +-- and never attending. % -Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!! +Authorization for a project will be granted only when +none of the authorizers can be blamed if the project +fails but when all of the authorizers can claim credit +if it succeeds. % -All good things must come to an end. -I want to know when they start! +Automotive engine repairing law: +If you drop something, it will never reach the ground. % -Blessed are those who go around in circles, -for they shall be known as wheels. +Avoid reality at all costs. % -Never eat prunes when you are famished. +Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed. % -Keep emotionally active, -cater to your favorite neurosis. +Bad news drives good news out of the media. % -A RACF protected dataset is inaccessible. +Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always +point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark. % -RACF is a four letter word. +Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone. % -You may be recognized soon. -Hide! -If they find you, lie. +Before ordering a test decide what you will do if it is, +(1) positive, or +(2) negative. +If both answers are the same, don't do the test. % -You can pray hard enough to make water run uphill -how hard? -Hard enough to make water run uphill. +Beware of the physician who is great at getting +out of trouble. % -Avoid reality at all costs. +Blessed are those who go around in circles, +for they shall be known as wheels. % -Program design philosophy: - - Start at the beginning and continue until the end, - then stop. - -- Lewis Carroll +Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, +for he shall not be disappointed. % -A closed mouth gathers no foot. +Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and +knows it for he shall enjoy living. % -Only a mediocre person is always at their best. +Build a system that even a fool can use, +and only a fool will use it. % -Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. +Calm down .... it is only ones and zeros. % -In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, -the greater the confusion. +Can't produces countercan't. % -The first time is for love. -The next time is $200. +Capitalism can exist in one of only two states: +welfare or warfare. % -Of two possible events, -only the undesired one will occur. +Celibacy is not hereditary. % -The faster the plane, -the narrower the seats. +Class schedules are designed so that every student will +waste the maximum time between classes. % -If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know. +Cleanliness is next to impossible. % -If on an actuarial basis there is a 50/50 chance that -something will go wrong, -It will actually go wrong nine times out of ten. +Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce +multiple interpretations. % -A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality. +"Close" only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and +thermonuclear devices. % -The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to -save all of the parts. +Common sense is not so common. % -1) Things will get worse before they get better. -2) Who said things would get better? +Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand +wrong answers. % -If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it. +Complex systems tend to oppose their own proper function. % -There is a solution to every problem; -the only difficulty is finding it. +Complicated systems produce unexpected outcomes. % -Don't make your doctor your heir. +Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for +a number and then give it back to them. % -Don't ask the barber if you need a haircut. +Consumer assistance doesn't. % -If there isn't a law, there will be. +Cop-out number 1. +You should have seen it when I got it. % -If you don't like the answer, -you shouldn't have asked the question. +Cost of repair can be determined by multiplying the +cost of your new coat by 1.75, or by multiplying the +cost of a new washer by .75. % -Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. +Create problems for which only you have the answer. % -You can't expect to hit the jackpot -if you don't put a few nickels in the machine. +Definition of an elephant: +A mouse built to government specifications. % -Unless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man -in the balls, not even symbolically or perhaps especially -not symbolically. +Democracy is that form of government where +everybody gets what the majority deserves. % -Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse -proportion to their soundness and validity. +Despite the sign that says "wet paint", +please don't. % -A short cut is the longest distance between two points. +Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. % -If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor. +Do whatever your enemies don't want you to do. % -If you know, you can't say. +Don't ask the barber if you need a haircut. % -The meek shall inherit the earth, -but not its mineral rights. +Don't bite the hand that has your pay check in it. % -When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. +Don't fight with a bear in his own cage. % -Common sense is not so common. +Don't force it, +get a bigger hammer. % -If we learn by our mistakes, -I'm getting one hell of an education!! +Don't let your superiors know you're better than +they are. % -Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the -embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs. +Don't look back, something may be gaining on you. % -Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation -for being useful. +Don't make your doctor your heir. % -You will always find something in the last place you look. +Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy! % -The probability of anything happening is in -inverse ratio to its desirability. +Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost. % -The first myth of management is that it exists -the second myth of management is that success equals skill. +Don't smoke in bed - the ashes on the floor might be your +own. % -If it's good they will stop making it. +Don't stop to stomp on ants +when the elephants are stampeding. % -Inside every large program -is a small program struggling to get out. +During the time an item is on back-order, it will be +available cheaper and quicker from many other sources. % -A memorandum is written not to inform the reader -but to protect the writer. +Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem. % -Never insult an alligator -until after you have crossed the river. +Easy doesn't do it. % -Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart. +Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing +worse will happen to you the rest of the day. % -When your opponent is down, kick him. +Entropy has us outnumbered. % -The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of -someone he can blame it on. +Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick +them will stick to other things when you don't want +them to. % -The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered -side down is directly proportional to the cost of the -carpet. +Even paranoids have enemies. % -In the fight between you and the world, back the world. +Even water tastes bad when taken on doctors orders. % -Last guys don't finish nice. +Every great idea has a disadvantage equal to or +exceeding the greatness of the idea. % -Never admit anything. -Never regret anything -whatever it is, you're not responsible. +Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. % -If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong. +Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since +nobody listens. % -When working toward the solution of a problem, -it always helps if you know the answer. -Provided of course you know there is a problem. +Everybody wants a pain shot at the same time. % -The usefulness of any meeting -is in inverse proportion to the attendance. +Everybody who didn't want a pain shot when you were +passing out pain shots wants one when you are passing +out sleeping pills. % -The sun goes down just when you need it the most. +Everybody's gotta be someplace. % -Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary -drivel off the TV screen. +Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment +to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime. % -Whatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest -number must happen. +Everyone gets away with something. +No one gets away with everything. % -No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after -you have bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper. +Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. % -Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line. +Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually +plunge into the Atlantic ocean. % -A disagreeable task is its own reward. +Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between. % -If things were left to chance, they'd be better. +Everything is contagious. % -The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk -to the other end of the building. +Everything is revealed to he who turns over enough stones. +(Including the snakes that he did not want to find.) % -Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry. +Everything may be divided into as many parts as you please. % -A president of a democracy is a man who is always ready, -willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. +Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. % -If a thing is done wrong often enough -it becomes right. +Everything takes longer than you expect. % -People will buy anything that is one to a customer. +Exciting plays occur only while you are watching the +scoreboard or out buying a hot dog. % -If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always -manage to boot yourself in the posterior. +Fact is solidified opinion. % -No one's life, liberty, or property are safe -while the legislature is in session. +Facts may weaken under extreme heat and pressure. % -Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job. +Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed +talent. % -Bad news drives good news out of the media. +Flynn is dead +Tron is dead +long live the MCP. % -Just when you get really good at something, -you don't need to do it anymore. +Fools rush in -- and get the best seats. % -If facts do not conform to the theory, -they must be disposed of. +For every action, there is an equal and opposite +criticism. % -Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. +For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill. % -When properly administered, vacations do not diminish -productivity. For every week you are away and get nothing -done, there is another week when your boss is away and you -get twice as much done. +For every credibility gap there is a gullibility gap. % -No matter what happens, there is always somebody -who knew that it would. +For every human problem, there is a neat, plain solution -- +and it is always wrong. % -The other line always moves faster. +For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision. % -To get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it. +Forgive and remember. % -When all else fails, read the instructions. +Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse +proportion to their soundness and validity. % -Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than -you thought. +Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. % -"Close" only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and -thermonuclear devices. +Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the +embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs. % -The lion and the calf shall lie down together, -but the calf won't get much sleep. +Go where the money is. % -If you fool around with a thing for very long you will -screw it up. +Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. % -It is better for civilization to be going down the drain, -than to be coming up it. +He who dies with the most toys wins. % -A $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10c fuse by blowing -first. +He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from +the next freeway exit. % -Justice always prevails... -three times out of seven. +He who laughs last -- probably didn't get the joke. % -If it jams --- force it. If it breaks, -it needed replacing anyway. +He who marries for money ... better be nice to his wife. % -I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, -when you looked at it in the right way, did not become -still more complicated. - -- Poul Anderson +Hindsight is an exact science. % -Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath -to the exact center. +History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely +repeat each other. % -No matter which direction you start, -it's always against the wind coming back. +History proves nothing. % -The repairman will never have seen a model quite like -yours before. +History repeats itself. +that's one of the things wrong with history. % -Don't force it, -get a bigger hammer. +Hockey is a game played by six good players and the +home team. % -When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, -it will work perfectly. +Hollerith got us into this hole mess! % -An optimist is a person who looks forward to marriage. -A pessimist is a married optimist! +Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass. % -A pessimist is an optimist with experience. +How did they measure hail before the golf ball was invented? % -Old programmers never die - they just abend. +How do they know no two snowflakes are alike? % -The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, -even in the wrong denomination. +How long a minute is depends on which side of the +bathroom door you're on. % -Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet -somebody moves the ends! +I can only please one person per day. +Today is not your day. +(Tomorrow isn't looking good either.) % -Just because you are paranoid -doesn't mean "they" aren't out to get you. +I finally got it all together... +but I forgot where I put it. % -If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong -equipment. +I have not lost my mind, it is backed up on tape somewhere. % -Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, -some prefer to just gargle. +I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, +when you looked at it in the right way, did not become +still more complicated. + -- Poul Anderson % -Everything is revealed to he who turns over enough stones. -(Including the snakes that he did not want to find.) +I know you believe you understand + what you think I said, + however, I am not sure you realize, + that what I think you heard + is not what I meant % -Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least. +I no longer get lost in the shuffle.... +I shuffle along with the lost. % -Build a system that even a fool can use, -and only a fool will use it. +I think ... therefore I am confused. % -Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. +If a program is useful, it will be changed. % -In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level -of incompetence, and then remains there. +If a program is useless, it will be documented. % -It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick -up something from the floor while you get up. +If a scientist uncovers a publishable fact, it will +become central to his theory. + +His theory, in turn, will become central to all +scientific truth. % -You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash -when the garbage truck is two doors away. +If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in +the worst possible sequence. % -Misery no longer loves company -nowadays it insists on it. +If a situation requires undivided attention, it will +occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction. % -Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it. +If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two +data points. % -There's never time to do it right, but there's always -time to do it over. +If a thing is done wrong often enough +it becomes right. % -On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone -can be unhappy -- but we will work on it. +If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong +equipment. % -When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. +If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be +implemented, it wasn't worth doing. % -The more ridiculous a belief system, -the higher probability of its success. +If an item is advertised as "under $50," you can bet +it's not $19.95. % -Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or -fattening. +If anything can go wrong, it will. % -Old age is always fifteen years older than I am. +If anything can't go wrong it will. % -A bird in hand is safer than one overhead. +If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries. % -The ratio of time involved in work to time available for -work is usually about 0.6 +If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset. % -Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and -knows it for he shall enjoy living. +If at first you don't succeed, try something else. % -Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually -plunge into the Atlantic ocean. +If at first you don't succeed, +blame it on your supervisor. % -Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. +If daily class attendance is mandatory, a scheduled +exam will produce increased absenteeism. If attendance +is optional, a scheduled exam will produce persons you +have never seen before. % -Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, -for he shall not be disappointed. +If everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it. % -The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of -an oncoming train. +If everything is coming your way, you're in the +wrong lane. % -Celibacy is not hereditary. +If everything seems to be going well, +you obviously don't know what the hell is going on. % -You can observe a lot just by watching. +If facts do not conform to the theory, +they must be disposed of. +% +If his IQ was any lower he'd be a plant. % If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it. % -Live within your income, -even if you have to borrow to do so. +If it happens, it must be possible. % -Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone. +If it jams --- force it. If it breaks, +it needed replacing anyway. % -Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. +If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you've just +become the expert. % -To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression. +If it weren't for the opinion polls we'd never know +what people are undecided about. % -An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. +If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company +will insist upon repairing the old one. % -Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. +If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the +company will insist on the latest model. % -A bird in the hand is dead. +If it's clean, it isn't laundry. % -Never put all your eggs in your pocket. +If it's good, they discontinue it. % -If everything seems to be going well, -you obviously don't know what the hell is going on. +If it's good they will stop making it. % -If at first you don't succeed, -blame it on your supervisor. +If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. % If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault. % -Don't bite the hand that has your pay check in it. -% -In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. -% -When in doubt, mumble. -When in trouble, delegate. -When in charge, ponder. -% -Please don't steal, the IRS hates competition! -% -Never argue with a fool, -people might not know the difference. -% -You can't guard against the arbitrary. -% -People can be divided into three groups: -Those who make things happen, -Those who watch things happen and -Those who wonder what happened. +If Murphy's law can go wrong, it will. % -The one thing that money can not buy is poverty. +If not controlled, work will flow to the competent +man until he submerges. % -You are not drunk if you can lay on the floor without -holding on. +If on an actuarial basis there is a 50/50 chance that +something will go wrong, +It will actually go wrong nine times out of ten. % -In any household, junk accumulates to the space -available for its storage. +If one views his problem closely enough he will +recognize himself as part of the problem. % -Don't stop to stomp on ants -when the elephants are stampeding. +If only one price can be obtained for any quotation, +the price will be unreasonable. % -The longer the title the less important the job. +If opportunity came disguised as temptation, +one knock would be enough. % -Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion -if it did occur, will occur. +If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of +change will exceed the rate of progress. % -When you are right be logical, -when you are wrong be-fuddle. +If reproducibility may be a problem conduct the +test only once. % -For every human problem, there is a neat, plain solution -- -and it is always wrong. +If several things that could have gone wrong have not +gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial +for them to have gone wrong. % -There are no winners in life: Only survivors. +If the assumptions are wrong, +the conclusions aren't likely to be very good. % -When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad. +If the course you wanted most has room for 'n' students +you will be the 'n + 1' to apply. % -The yoo-hoo you yoo-hoo into the forest is the yoo-hoo you -get back. +If the faulty part is in stock, it didn't need replacing +in the first place. % -You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it. +If there are only two shows worth watching, they will +be on together. % -The idea is to die young as late as possible. +If there isn't a law, there will be. % -No man is lonely while eating spaghetti. +If there was any justice in this world, people would +occasionally be permitted to fly over pigeons. % -It's better to retire too soon than too late. +If things were left to chance, they'd be better. % -A man should be greater than some of his parts. +If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. % -If you don't say it, they can't repeat it. +If we learn by our mistakes, +I'm getting one hell of an education!! % -Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. +If you allow someone to get in front of you either: +(1) The car in front will be the last one over a + railroad crossing, and you will be stuck waiting + for a long, slow-moving train; or +(2) you both will have the same destination and the + other car will get the last parking space. % -Everything takes longer than you expect. +If you are already in a hole, there's no use to continue +digging. % -Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse. +If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget +your book. +If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget +where you live. % -If you see that there are four possible ways in which a -procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a -fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. +If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe, +there won't be any left by the time they are ripe. If +you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten. % -Things get worse under pressure. +If you can get the faulty part off, the parts house +will have it back-ordered. % -Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional -and employ faulty reasoning. +If you can get to the faulty part, you don't have the +tool to get it off. % -A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home. +If you can keep your head when all about you are losing +theirs, then you just don't understand the problem. % -Progress is made on alternate Fridays. +If you can't convince them, confuse them. % -The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the -time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent. +If you can't measure it, I'm not interested. % -If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. +If you can't measure output then you measure input. % -Don't look back, something may be gaining on you. +If you change lines, the one you just left will start +to move faster than the one you are now in. % -All things being equal, all things are never equal. +If you do something right once, someone will ask +you to do it again. % -Even paranoids have enemies. +If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. % -Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place. +If you don't like the answer, +you shouldn't have asked the question. % -Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet -reached their level of incompetence. +If you don't say it, they can't repeat it. % -If at first you don't succeed, try something else. +If you don't write to complain, you'll never receive +your order. +If you do write, you'll receive the merchandise before +your angry letter reaches its destination. % -If you're coasting, you're going downhill. +If you fool around with a thing for very long you will +screw it up. % -Never tell them what you wouldn't do. +If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man, he +will find an easier way to do it. % -The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely -proportional to the subject's true value. +If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong. % -Indifference is the only sure defense. +If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough +chances are someone else will do it for you. % -Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest. +If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know. % -If you want to get along, go along. +If you have to park six blocks away, you will find two +new parking spaces right in front of the building +entrance. % -Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between. +If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch +it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode. % -The easiest way to find something lost around the house -is to buy a replacement. +If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember +you - the next time he's in need. % -Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always -point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark. +If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always +manage to boot yourself in the posterior. % -Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will -establish yourself as an expert. +If you know, you can't say. % -It works better if you plug it in. +If you leave the room, you're elected. % -Quit while you're still behind. +If you lived here you'd be home now. % If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, you better wear work shoes. % -It's always easier to go down hill, but the view is -from the top. -% -Any line, however short, is still too long. -% -Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten. -% -If you can't measure output then you measure input. -% -Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of -approximate, additional assumptions. -% -Never be first to do anything. -% -The chief cause of problems is solutions. -% -The only winner in the war of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. +If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent +of doing you good, you should run for your life. % -A little ignorance can go a long way. +If you see that there are four possible ways in which a +procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a +fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. % -Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it. +If you smile when everything goes wrong, you are +either a nitwit or a repairman. % -Entropy has us outnumbered. +If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it. % -Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. +If you wait, it will go away +... having done it's damage. +If it was bad, it'll be back. % -Do whatever your enemies don't want you to do. +If you want to get along, go along. % -A little ambiguity never hurt anyone. +If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor. % -Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost. +If your condition seems to be getting better, it's +probably your doctor getting sick. % -Go where the money is. +If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is +because of something left out, rather than added. % -Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the -water that keeps it green. +If you're coasting, you're going downhill. % -A stagnant science is at a standstill. +If you're early, it'll be canceled. +If you knock yourself out to be on time, you will + have to wait. +If you're late, you will be too late. % -Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. +If you're feeling good, don't worry, +you'll get over it. % -For every credibility gap there is a gullibility gap. +If you're wondering if you have enough money to take +the family out to eat tonight, you don't. % -Can't produces countercan't. +If you're wondering if you left the coffee pot +plugged in, you did. % -If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent -of doing you good, you should run for your life. +If you're wondering if you need to stop and pick up +bread and eggs on the way home, you do. % -When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty -to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you. +If you're wondering if you took the meat out to +thaw, you didn't. % -If you can't convince them, confuse them. +If you're worried about being crazy, +don't be overly concerned: +If you were, you would think you were sane. % -Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups. +If you've got them by the balls, +their hearts and minds will follow. % -All general statements are false. (Think about it.) +Ignorance should be painful. % -If it happens, it must be possible. +Important letters which contain no errors will develop +errors in the mail. % -Them what gets--has. +In a bureaucratic hierarchy, the higher up the +organization the less people appreciate Murphy's law, +the Peter Principle, etc. % -If you are already in a hole, there's no use to continue -digging. +In a family recipe you just discovered in an old book, +the most vital measurement will be illegible. % -People will believe anything if you whisper it. +In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, +the greater the confusion. % -A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick -in the pants. +In a hierarchical system, the rate of pay varies +inversely with the unpleasantness and difficulty +of the task. % -Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold -of something else. +In a three-story building served by one elevator, nine +times out of ten the elevator car will be on a floor +where you are not. % -A theory is better than its explanation. +In any bureaucracy, paperwork increases as you spend +more and more time reporting on the less and less you +are doing. Stability is achieved when you spend all of +your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. % -Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing -worse will happen to you the rest of the day. +In any dealings with a collective body of people, the +people will always be more tacky than originally expected. % -Nobody notices when things go right. +In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level +of incompetence, and then remains there. % -There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. +In any household, junk accumulates to the space +available for its storage. % -Roses are red violets are blue -I am schizophrenic and so am I +In any organization there will always be one person +who knows what is going on. +This person must be fired. % -If anything can go wrong, it will. +In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur +at the opposite end to the end at which you begin +checking for errors. % -If anything can't go wrong it will. +In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. % -If Murphy's law can go wrong, it will. +In order for something to become clean, something +else must become dirty. +... but you can get everything dirty without getting +anything clean. % -If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in -the worst possible sequence. +In the fight between you and the world, back the world. % -After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle -will repeat itself. +Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place. % -An auditor enters the battlefield after the war is over, -and attacks the wounded. +Indecision is the basis for flexibility. % -Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse. +Indifference is the only sure defense. % -No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody -who knew it would. +Information deteriorates upward through the bureaucracies. % -The hidden flaw never remains hidden. +Information travels more surely to those with a +lesser need to know. % -(1) Everything depends. -(2) Nothing is always. -(3) Everything is sometimes. +Inside every large program +is a small program struggling to get out. % -If you wait, it will go away -... having done it's damage. -If it was bad, it'll be back. +Interchangeable parts --- won't. % -Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand -wrong answers. +It always takes longer to get there than to get back. % -Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune -moment. +It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick +up something from the floor while you get up. % -When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the -world's composed of aluminum and vinyl. +It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex +task to make them simple. % -In order for something to become clean, something -else must become dirty. -... but you can get everything dirty without getting -anything clean. +It is better for civilization to be going down the drain, +than to be coming up it. % -Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other. +It is better to be part of the idle rich class +than be part of the idle poor class. % -The first place to look for anything is the last place -you would expect to find it. +It is better to solve a problem with a crude +approximation and know the truth, than to demand an +exact solution and not know the truth at all. % -You can always find what you're not looking for. +It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. % -If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. +It is far better to do nothing than to do +something efficiently. + -- Siezbo % It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised. % -A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the -whole thing". -% -Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. -% -When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. -% -The time it takes to rectify a situation is -inversely proportional to the time it took -to do the damage. +It is impossible to build a fool proof system; +because fools are so ingenious. % -An optimist believes we live in the best of all -possible worlds. -A pessimist fears this is true. +It is ok to be ignorant in some areas, +but some people abuse the privilege. % It takes longer to glue a vase together than to break one. @@ -993,1237 +1023,1207 @@ break one. It takes longer to lose 'x' number of pounds than to gain 'x' number of pounds. % -The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in -will be taken by the person in front of you. +It the shoe fits, it's ugly. % -If you change lines, the one you just left will start -to move faster than the one you are now in. +It works better if you plug it in. % -The longer you wait in line, the greater the -likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. +It's always darkest before ... daylight saving time. % -The slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out -lane. +It's always darkest just before the lights go out. % -Whenever you cut your fingernails you will find a -need for them an hour later. +It's always easier to go down hill, but the view is +from the top. % -(1) If the weather is extremely bad, church - attendance will be down. -(2) If the weather is extremely good, church - attendance will be down. -(3) If the bulletin covers are in short supply - church attendance will exceed all expectations. +It's better to retire too soon than too late. % -If a situation requires undivided attention, it will -occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction. +It's tough to get reallocated when you're the one +who's redundant. % -The further away the disaster or accident occurs, the -greater the number of dead and injured required for it -to become a story. +Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet +somebody moves the ends! % -The closer you are to the facts of a situation, the -more obvious are the errors in all news coverage of -the situation. +Just because you are paranoid +doesn't mean "they" aren't out to get you. % -The further you are from the facts of a situation, -the more you tend to believe news coverage of the -situation. +Just because your doctor has a name for your condition +doesn't mean he knows what it is. % -The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal -the letter. +Just when you get really good at something, +you don't need to do it anymore. % -The most interesting specimen will not be labeled. +Justice always prevails... +three times out of seven. % -Some errors will always go unnoticed until the book -is in print. +Keep emotionally active, +cater to your favorite neurosis. % -The first page the author turns to upon receiving an -advance copy will be the page containing the worst -error. +King Arthur ran the first knight club. % -(1) Never draw what you can copy. -(2) Never copy what you can trace. -(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. +Last guys don't finish nice. % -The best shots happen immediately after the last -frame is exposed. +Laugh and the world laughs with you. cry and ... +you have to blow your nose. % -The best shots are generally attempted through the -lens cap. +Law expands in proportion to the resources available +for its enforcement. % -In a three-story building served by one elevator, nine -times out of ten the elevator car will be on a floor -where you are not. +Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten. % -The tendency of smoke from a cigarette, barbeque, -campfire, etc. to drift into a person's face varies -directly with that person's sensitivity to smoke. +Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!! % -The distance to the gate is inversely proportional -to the time available to catch your flight. +Leakproof seals --- will. % -Whatever carrousel you stand by, your baggage will -come in on another one. +Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it. % -When traveling overseas, the exchange rate improves -markedly the day after one has purchased foreign -currency. - -Upon returning home, the exchange rate drops again as -soon as one has converted all unused foreign currency. +Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse. % -The bigger they are, the harder they hit. +Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts. % -For every action, there is an equal and opposite -criticism. +Life is like an ice-cream cone: You have to learn to +lick it. % -Authorization for a project will be granted only when -none of the authorizers can be blamed if the project -fails but when all of the authorizers can claim credit -if it succeeds. +Liquidity tends to run out. % -If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be -implemented, it wasn't worth doing. +Live within your income, +even if you have to borrow to do so. % -The greater the cost of putting a plan into operation, -the less chance there is of abandoning the plan - even -if it subsequently becomes irrelevant. +Magellan was the first strait man. % -The higher the level of prestige accorded the people -behind the plan, the least less chance there is of -abandoning it. +Make it possible for programmers to write programs +in English and you will find that programmers cannot +write in English. % -In any organization there will always be one person -who knows what is going on. -This person must be fired. +Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will +establish yourself as an expert. % -It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. +Management can't. % -Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed -talent. +Mass man must be serviced by mass means. % -Personnel recruiting is a triumph of hope over -experience. +Misery no longer loves company +nowadays it insists on it. % -Some people manage by the book, even though they -don't know who wrote the book or even what book. +Most people deserve each other. % -Don't let your superiors know you're better than -they are. +Most people want to be delivered from temptation but +would like it to keep in touch. % -You never know who's right, but you always know -who's in charge. +Most projects require three hands. % -(1) Anyone can make a decision given enough facts. -(2) A good manager can make a decision without enough - facts. -(3) A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance. +Multiple-function gadgets will not perform any +function adequately. % -The boss who attempts to impress employees with his -knowledge of intricate details has lost sight of his -final objective. +Murphy's rule for precision: + Measure with a micrometer + Mark with chalk + Cut with an axe % -You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you -don't burn your bridges until you come to them. +Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. % -In a hierarchical system, the rate of pay varies -inversely with the unpleasantness and difficulty -of the task. +Nature is a mother. % -The client who pays the least complains the most +Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can. % -I know you believe you understand - what you think I said, - however, I am not sure you realize, - that what I think you heard - is not what I meant +Never admit anything. +Never regret anything +whatever it is, you're not responsible. % -Real programmers don't eat muffins. +Never argue with a fool, +people might not know the difference. % -In any bureaucracy, paperwork increases as you spend -more and more time reporting on the less and less you -are doing. Stability is achieved when you spend all of -your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. +Never argue with an artist. % -Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for -a number and then give it back to them. +Never be first to do anything. % -When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it -around instead of picking it up. +Never create a problem for which you do not have +the answer. % -The chances of anybody doing anything are inversely -proportional to the number of other people who are in -a position to do it instead. +Never eat prunes when you are famished. % -Never make a decision you can get someone else to make. +Never get excited about a blind date because of how +it sounds over the phone. % -No one keeps a record of decisions you could have made -but didn't. Everyone keeps a records of your bad ones. +Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. % -For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision. +Never insult an alligator +until after you have crossed the river. % -The inside contact that you have developed at great -expense is the first person to be let go in any -reorganization. +Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold +of something else. % -It's tough to get reallocated when you're the one -who's redundant. +Never make a decision you can get someone else to make. % -Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. +Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest. % -If you're early, it'll be canceled. -If you knock yourself out to be on time, you will - have to wait. -If you're late, you will be too late. +Never offend people with style +when you can offend them with substance. % -A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept -and the hours are lost. +Never play leapfrog with a photo enlarger. % -If you leave the room, you're elected. +Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. % -The cream rises to the top. -So does the scum. +Never put all your eggs in your pocket. % -You can never do just one thing. +Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job. % -There's no time like the present for postponing -what you don't want to do. +Never tell them what you wouldn't do. % -Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday. +Never test for an error condition you don't know +how to handle. % -The more complicated and grandiose the plan, the -greater the chance of failure. +Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty, and the pig +likes it! % -Simple jobs always get put off because there will be -time to do them later. +New systems generate new problems. % -Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. +No experiment is ever a complete failure. +It can always be used as a bad example. % -A work project expands to fill the space available. +No good deed goes unpunished. +% +No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets, +with the same staff that started it. Yours will not be the +first. +% +No man is lonely while eating spaghetti. % No matter how large the work space, if two projects must be done at the same time they will require the same part of the work space. % -The one wrench or drill bit you need will be the one -missing from the tool chest. -% -Most projects require three hands. -% -Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts. -% -The more carefully you plan a project, the more -confusion there is when something goes wrong. -% -Murphy's rule for precision: - Measure with a micrometer - Mark with chalk - Cut with an axe -% -You can't fix it if it ain't broke. -% -Access holes will be 1/2" too small. -Holes that are the right size will be in the wrong place. +No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after +you have bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper. % -If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company -will insist upon repairing the old one. +No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end +up covered with grease and motor oil. % -If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the -company will insist on the latest model. +No matter how strong the breeze when you leave the dock +once you have reached the furthest point from port +the wind will die. % -The primary function of the design engineer is to make -things difficult for the fabricator and impossible -for the serviceman. +No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody +who knew it would. % -That component of any circuit which has the shortest -service life will be placed in the least -accessible location. +No matter what happens, there is always somebody +who knew that it would. % -Any circuit design must contain at least one part which -is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three -parts which at still under development. +No matter what they're talking about, they're +talking about money. % -Important letters which contain no errors will develop -errors in the mail. +No matter what they're telling you, they're not +telling you the whole truth. % -Office machines which function perfectly during normal -business hours will break down when you return to the -office at night to use them for personal business. +No matter which direction you start, +it's always against the wind coming back. % -Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick -them will stick to other things when you don't want -them to. +No news is ... impossible. % -Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by -spontaneously moving from where you left them to where -you can't find them. +No one keeps a record of decisions you could have made +but didn't. Everyone keeps a records of your bad ones. % -The last person who quit or was fired will be held -responsible for everything that goes wrong -- until -the next person quits or is fired. +No one's life, liberty, or property are safe +while the legislature is in session. % -The one time in the day that you lean back and relax -is the one time the boss walks through the office. +No system is ever completely debugged: Attempts to debug +a system will inevitably introduce new bugs that are even +harder to find. % -Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass. +Nobody notices when things go right. % -When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. +Nothing improves an innovation like lack of controls. % -Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else. +Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. % -Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. +Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. % -(1) If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. -(2) If it stinks, it's chemistry. -(3) If it doesn't work, it's physics. +Nothing is ever done for the right reasons. % -Nothing improves an innovation like lack of controls. +Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by +firing the coach. % -The quality of correlation is inversely proportional -to the density of control. +Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse. % -If reproducibility may be a problem conduct the -test only once. +Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have +to do it himself/herself. % -If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two -data points. +Nothing is indestructible, with the possible exception +of discount-priced fruitcakes. % -Any technical problem can be overcome given enough -time and money. - -You are never given enough time or money. +Of two possible events, +only the undesired one will occur. % -Unless the results are known in advance, funding -agencies will reject the proposal. +Office machines which function perfectly during normal +business hours will break down when you return to the +office at night to use them for personal business. % -It is better to solve a problem with a crude -approximation and know the truth, than to demand an -exact solution and not know the truth at all. +Old age is always fifteen years older than I am. % -An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful -than a complex, incomprehensible truth. +Old programmers never die - they just abend. % -If a scientist uncovers a publishable fact, it will -become central to his theory. - -His theory, in turn, will become central to all -scientific truth. +On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone +can be unhappy -- but we will work on it. % -There is no such thing as a straight line. +On a clear disk, you can seek forever. % -In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur -at the opposite end to the end at which you begin -checking for errors. +On successive charts of the same organization, the number of +boxes will never decrease. % -Only errors exist. +Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to save it +only makes it worse. % One man's error is another man's data. % -To err is human, but to really foul things up requires -a computer. +One place where you're sure to find the perfect +driver is in the back seat. % -When putting it into memory, remember where you put it. +Only a mediocre person is always at their best. % -Never test for an error condition you don't know -how to handle. +Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles. % -Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since -nobody listens. +Only errors exist. % -People who love sausage and respect the law should -never watch either one being made. +Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune +moment. % -No matter what they're telling you, they're not -telling you the whole truth. +Other people's romantic gestures seem novel and exciting. + +Your own romantic gestures seem foolish and clumsy. % -No matter what they're talking about, they're -talking about money. +Our customers' paperwork is profit. +Our own paperwork is loss. % -In any dealings with a collective body of people, the -people will always be more tacky than originally expected. +People are promoted not by what they can do, but what +people think they can do. % -If you can keep your head when all about you are losing -theirs, then you just don't understand the problem. +People can be divided into three groups: +Those who make things happen, +Those who watch things happen and +Those who wonder what happened. % -Information deteriorates upward through the bureaucracies. +People don't change; they only become more so. % -When an exaggerated emphasis is placed upon delegation, -responsibility, like sediment, sinks to the bottom. +People in systems do not do what the systems say +they are doing. % -When outrageous expenditures are divided finely enough -the public will not have enough stake in any one -expenditure to squelch it. +People to whom you are attracted invariably think you +remind them of someone else. % -When the government bureau's remedies do not match your -problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. +People who love sausage and respect the law should +never watch either one being made. % -A fool and your money are soon partners. +People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell +them Benjamin Franklin said it first. % -You may know where the market is going, but you can't -possibly know where it's going after that. +People will believe anything if you whisper it. % -Among economists, the real world is often a special case. +People will buy anything that is one to a customer. % -Trial balances don't. +Performance is directly affected by the perversity of +inanimate objects. % -Working capital doesn't. +Personnel recruiting is a triumph of hope over +experience. % -Liquidity tends to run out. +Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional +and employ faulty reasoning. % -Return on investments won't. +Pills to be taken in twos always come +out of the bottle in threes. % -If everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it. +Please don't steal, the IRS hates competition! % -Mass man must be serviced by mass means. +Possessions increase to fill the space available for +their storage. % -Everything is contagious. +Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability +of the programmer who must maintain it. % -Nothing is ever done for the right reasons. +Program design philosophy: + + Start at the beginning and continue until the end, + then stop. + -- Lewis Carroll % -The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake -that you've got it made. +Progress does not consist in replacing a theory that is +wrong with one that is right. It consists in replacing +a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong. % -An expert is anyone from out of town. +Progress is made on alternate Fridays. % -An expert is one who knows more and more about less -and less until he knows absolutely everything -about nothing. +Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary +drivel off the TV screen. % -To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job -will take the longest and cost the most. +Quit while you're still behind. % -If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you've just -become the expert. +RACF is a four letter word. % -Indecision is the basis for flexibility. +Real programmers always have a better idea. % -Anything is possible if you don't know what you're -talking about. +Real programmers are kind to rookies. % -Never create a problem for which you do not have -the answer. +Real programmers are secure enough to write readable code, +which they then self-righteously refuse to explain. % -Create problems for which only you have the answer. +Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a +matter of principle. % -A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. +Real programmers can do octal, hexadecimal and +binary math in their heads. % -Hindsight is an exact science. +Real programmers do not apply DP terminology to non-DP +situations. % -History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely -repeat each other. +Real programmers do not document. +Documentation is for simps who can't read listings or +object code. % -Fact is solidified opinion. +Real programmers do not eat breakfast from the +vending machines. % -Facts may weaken under extreme heat and pressure. +Real programmers do not practice four-syllable words before +walkthroughs. % -Truth is elastic. +Real programmers do not read books like +"effective listening" and "communication skills". % -When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue. +Real programmers do not utter profanities at an elevated +decibel level. % -When in trouble, obfuscate. +Real programmers don't advertise their hangovers. % -Progress does not consist in replacing a theory that is -wrong with one that is right. It consists in replacing -a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong. +Real programmers don't announce how many times the +operations department called them last night. % -It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex -task to make them simple. +Real programmers don't comment their code. if it is hard +to write, it should be hard to understand. % -If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man, he -will find an easier way to do it. +Real programmers don't dress for success unless +they are trying to convince others that they are +going on interviews. % -Every great idea has a disadvantage equal to or -exceeding the greatness of the idea. +Real programmers don't eat muffins. % -New systems generate new problems. +Real programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real +programmers don't know how to spell quiche. They eat +Twinkies and szechuan food. % -Systems should not be unnecessarily multiplied. +Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages +of Cobol when they don't know any other language. % -Systems tend to grow and as they grow they encroach. +Real programmers don't notch their desks for each +completed service request. % -Complicated systems produce unexpected outcomes. +Real programmers don't number paragraph names +consecutively. % -The total behavior of large systems cannot be predicted. +Real programmers don't play tennis or any other sport +that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is +O.K., and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work +in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle +of the machine room. % -A large system, produced by expanding the dimensions of -a smaller system, does not behave like the smaller system. +Real programmers don't play video games, they write them. % -People in systems do not do what the systems say -they are doing. +Real programmers don't write applications programs; they +program right down on the bare metal. Application +programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming. % -The system itself does not do what it says it is doing. +Real programmers don't write COBOL. +COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers. % -A complex system that works is invariably found to have -evolved from a simple system that works. +Real programmers don't write in Basic. Actually, no +programmers write in Basic after age 12. % -A complex system designed from scratch never works and -cannot be patched up to make it work. You have to start -over, beginning with a working simple system. +Real programmers don't write in Pascal, Bliss, or Ada, or +any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong +typing is for people with weak memories. % -(1) Everything is a system. -(2) Everything is part of a larger system. -(3) The universe is infinitely systematized both upward - (larger systems) and downward (smaller systems). -(4) All systems are infinitely complex. (The illusion - of simplicity comes from focusing attention on - one or a few variables). +Real programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for +programmers who can't decide whether to write in +COBOL or Fortran. % -Complex systems tend to oppose their own proper function. +Real programmers don't write memos. % -If the course you wanted most has room for 'n' students -you will be the 'n + 1' to apply. +Real programmers don't write specs -- users should +consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and +take what they get. % -Class schedules are designed so that every student will -waste the maximum time between classes. +Real programmers drink too much coffee so that they will +always seem tense and overworked. % -Show me a person who's never made a mistake and I'll -show you somebody who's never achieved much. +Real programmers have read the standards manual +but won't admit it. % -When you consider there are 24 hours in a day, it's -sad to know that only one is called the happy hour. +Real programmers know it's not operations' +fault if their jobs go into "hogs". % -When you are able to schedule two classes in a row, -they will be held in classrooms at opposite end of -the campus. +Real programmers know what saad means. % -A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered -only during the semester following the desired course. +Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real +programmers are around at 9 a.m., it's because they +were up all night. % -When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most -important ones will be illegible. +Real programmers print only clean compiles, +fixing all errors through the terminal. % -The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure -you are as to which answer they want. +Real programmer's programs never work the first time. But +if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into +working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions. % -80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture -you missed about the one book you didn't read. +Real programmers punch up their own programs. % -If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget -your book. -If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget -where you live. +Real programmers understand Pascal. % -At the end of the semester you will recall having -enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester --- and never attending. +Remain silent about your intentions until you are sure % -The one course you must take to graduate will not be -offered during your last semester. +Return on investments won't. % -The more general the title of a course, the less -you will learn from it. +Roses are red violets are blue +I am schizophrenic and so am I % -The more specific the title of a course, the less you -will be able to apply it later. +Sale promotions don't. % -The most valuable quotation will be the one for which -you cannot determine the source. +Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line. % -The source for an unattributed quotation will appear -in the most hostile review of your work. +Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. % -When a writer prepares a manuscript on a subject he does -not understand, his work will be understood only by -readers who know more about that subject than he does. +Security isn't. % -Writings prepared without understanding must fail in the -first objective of communication -- informing -the uninformed. +Self starters --- won't. % -When a student asks for a second time if you have read -his book report, he did not read the book. +Show me a person who's never made a mistake and I'll +show you somebody who's never achieved much. % -If daily class attendance is mandatory, a scheduled -exam will produce increased absenteeism. If attendance -is optional, a scheduled exam will produce persons you -have never seen before. +Simple jobs always get put off because there will be +time to do them later. % -Just because your doctor has a name for your condition -doesn't mean he knows what it is. +Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, +some prefer to just gargle. % -The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the -waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for -your scheduled appointment. +Some errors will always go unnoticed until the book +is in print. % -Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles. +Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it. % -You never have the right number of pills left on the -last day of a prescription. +Some people manage by the book, even though they +don't know who wrote the book or even what book. % -The pills to be taken with meals will be the least -appetizing ones. +Souffles rise and cream whips only for the family and +for guests you didn't really want to invite anyway. % -Even water tastes bad when taken on doctors orders. +Success can be insured only by devising a defense against +failure of the contingency plan. % -If your condition seems to be getting better, it's -probably your doctor getting sick. +Superiority is recessive. % -Beware of the physician who is great at getting -out of trouble. +Systems should not be unnecessarily multiplied. % -A drug is that substance which, when injected into a -rat, will produce a scientific report. +Systems tend to grow and as they grow they encroach. % -Before ordering a test decide what you will do if it is, -(1) positive, or -(2) negative. -If both answers are the same, don't do the test. +Talent in staff work or sales will continually be +interpreted as managerial ability. % -The radiologists' national flower is the hedge. +Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else. % -The feasibility of an operation is not the best -indication for its performance. +That component of any circuit which has the shortest +service life will be placed in the least +accessible location. % -A physician's ability is inversely proportional -to his availability. +The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely +proportional to the subject's true value. % -There are two kinds of adhesive tape: That which won't -stay on and that which won't come off. +The amount of wind will vary inversely with the number +and experience of the people you have on board. % -Everybody wants a pain shot at the same time. +The best shots are generally attempted through the +lens cap. % -Everybody who didn't want a pain shot when you were -passing out pain shots wants one when you are passing -out sleeping pills. +The best shots happen immediately after the last +frame is exposed. % -An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his -own physician. +The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal +the letter. % -Fools rush in -- and get the best seats. +The best way to lie is to tell the truth..... +carefully edited truth. % -At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from -the aisle arrive last. +The big guys always win. % -Exciting plays occur only while you are watching the -scoreboard or out buying a hot dog. +The bigger they are, the harder they hit. % -Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by -firing the coach. +The boss who attempts to impress employees with his +knowledge of intricate details has lost sight of his +final objective. % -The wrong quarterback is the one that's in there. +The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered +side down is directly proportional to the cost of the +carpet. % -A free agent is anything but. +The chances of anybody doing anything are inversely +proportional to the number of other people who are in +a position to do it instead. % -Hockey is a game played by six good players and the -home team. +The chief cause of problems is solutions. % -Whatever can go to New York, will. +The client who pays the least complains the most % -Whenever a superstar is traded to your favorite team, -he fades. Whenever your team trades away a useless -no-name, he immediately rises to stardom. +The closer you are to the facts of a situation, the +more obvious are the errors in all news coverage of +the situation. % -A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or -her opposition. +The "consumer report" on the item will come out a week +after you've made your purchase: + +(1) The one you bought will be rated "unacceptable". +(2) The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy". % -The only way to make up for being lost is to make -record time while you are lost. +The cream rises to the top. +So does the scum. % -The amount of wind will vary inversely with the number -and experience of the people you have on board. +The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by +the paper clip of the overlying memo and go to file. % -No matter how strong the breeze when you leave the dock -once you have reached the furthest point from port -the wind will die. +The deficiency will never show itself during the test runs. % -The time available to go fishing shrinks as the fishing -season draws nearer. +The distance to the gate is inversely proportional +to the time available to catch your flight. % -The least experienced fisherman always catches the -biggest fish. +The early worm deserves the bird. % -The more elaborate and costly the equipment, the greater -the chance of having to stop at the fish market -on the way home. +The easiest way to find something lost around the house +is to buy a replacement. % -The worse your line is tangled, the better is the -fishing around you. +The faster the plane, +the narrower the seats. % -The mountain gets steeper as you get closer. +The feasibility of an operation is not the best +indication for its performance. % -The mountain looks closer than it is. +The final test is when it goes production ... +w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t i o n ... +w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t +w h e n i t g o e s p r o % -All trails have more uphill sections than they have -level or downhill sections. +The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the +time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent. % -The one who least wants to play is the one who will win. +The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly +in front of your eyes. % -All things being equal, you lose. - -All things being in your favor, you still lose. - -Win or lose, you lose. +The first insurance agent was David - +he gave Goliath a piece of the rock. % -It always takes longer to get there than to get back. +The first myth of management is that it exists +the second myth of management is that success equals skill. % -If everything is coming your way, you're in the -wrong lane. +The first page the author turns to upon receiving an +advance copy will be the page containing the worst +error. % -If you allow someone to get in front of you either: -(1) The car in front will be the last one over a - railroad crossing, and you will be stuck waiting - for a long, slow-moving train; or -(2) you both will have the same destination and the - other car will get the last parking space. +The first place to look for anything is the last place +you would expect to find it. % -If you have to park six blocks away, you will find two -new parking spaces right in front of the building -entrance. +The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to +save all of the parts. % -When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn -green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop. +The first time is for love. +The next time is $200. % -A car and a truck approaching each other on an otherwise -deserted road will meet at the narrow bridge. +The further away the disaster or accident occurs, the +greater the number of dead and injured required for it +to become a story. % -The speed of an oncoming vehicle is directly proportional -to the length of the passing zone. +The further you are from the facts of a situation, +the more you tend to believe news coverage of the +situation. % -The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly -in front of your eyes. +The greater the cost of putting a plan into operation, +the less chance there is of abandoning the plan - even +if it subsequently becomes irrelevant. % -If you can get to the faulty part, you don't have the -tool to get it off. +The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached +to someone who isn't getting enough sleep. % -If you can get the faulty part off, the parts house -will have it back-ordered. +The hidden flaw never remains hidden. % -If the faulty part is in stock, it didn't need replacing -in the first place. +The higher the level of prestige accorded the people +behind the plan, the least less chance there is of +abandoning it. % -When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you -becomes a hammer. +The idea is to die young as late as possible. % -No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end -up covered with grease and motor oil. +The inside contact that you have developed at great +expense is the first person to be let go in any +reorganization. % -When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used -interchangeably. +The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in +will be taken by the person in front of you. % -Automotive engine repairing law: -If you drop something, it will never reach the ground. +The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found +in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting. % -If you lived here you'd be home now. +The last person who quit or was fired will be held +responsible for everything that goes wrong -- until +the next person quits or is fired. % -If it's good, they discontinue it. +The least experienced fisherman always catches the +biggest fish. % -It the shoe fits, it's ugly. +The length of a marriage is inversely proportional +to the amount spent on the wedding. % -(1) If you like it, they don't have it in your size. -(2) If you like it and it's in your size, it doesn't - fit anyway. -(4) If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it. -(5) If you like it, it fits and you can afford it, it - falls apart the first time you wear it. +The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely +with its price and directly with its ugliness. % -The one you want is never the one on sale. +The light at the end of the tunnel can be a helluva +nuisance, especially if you're using the tunnel +as a darkroom. % -If an item is advertised as "under $50," you can bet -it's not $19.95. +The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of +an oncoming train. % -ACF2 is a four letter word. +The light at the end of the tunnel really is a train. % -If only one price can be obtained for any quotation, -the price will be unreasonable. +The lion and the calf shall lie down together, +but the calf won't get much sleep. % -A 60-day warranty guarantees that the product will -self-destruct on the 61st day. +The longer the title the less important the job. % -The "consumer report" on the item will come out a week -after you've made your purchase: - -(1) The one you bought will be rated "unacceptable". -(2) The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy". +The longer you wait in line, the greater the +likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. % -If you don't write to complain, you'll never receive -your order. -If you do write, you'll receive the merchandise before -your angry letter reaches its destination. +The love letter you finally got the courage to send +will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to +make a fool of yourself in person. % -The most important item in an order will no longer -be available. +The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of +someone he can blame it on. % -During the time an item is on back-order, it will be -available cheaper and quicker from many other sources. +The man who has no more problems is out of the game. % -Security isn't. +The meek shall inherit the earth, +but not its mineral rights. % -Management can't. +The meek will inherit the earth +after the rest of us go to the stars. % -Sale promotions don't. +The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the +waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for +your scheduled appointment. % -Consumer assistance doesn't. +The more carefully you plan a project, the more +confusion there is when something goes wrong. % -Workers won't. +The more complicated and grandiose the plan, the +greater the chance of failure. % -Cleanliness is next to impossible. +The more directives you issue to solve a problem, +the worse it gets. % -Multiple-function gadgets will not perform any -function adequately. +The more elaborate and costly the equipment, the greater +the chance of having to stop at the fish market +on the way home. % The more expensive the gadget, the less often you will use it. % -The simpler the instruction, e.g. "press here", the -more difficult it will be to open the package. -% -In a family recipe you just discovered in an old book, -the most vital measurement will be illegible. +The more general the title of a course, the less +you will learn from it. % -Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to save it -only makes it worse. +The more ridiculous a belief system, +the higher probability of its success. % -You are always complimented on the item which took the -least effort to prepare. - -Example: - If you make "duck a l'orange" you will be - complimented on the baked potato. +The more specific the title of a course, the less you +will be able to apply it later. % -The one ingredient you made a special trip to the store -to get will be the one thing your guest is allergic to. +The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure +you are as to which answer they want. % The more time and energy you put into preparing a meal the greater the chance your guests will spend the entire meal discussing other meals they have had. % -Souffles rise and cream whips only for the family and -for guests you didn't really want to invite anyway. +The most important item in an order will no longer +be available. % -The rotten egg will be the one you break into the -cake batter. +The most interesting specimen will not be labeled. % -Any cooking utensil placed in the dishwasher will be -needed immediately thereafter for something else. +The most valuable quotation will be the one for which +you cannot determine the source. % -Any measuring utensil used for liquid ingredients will -be needed immediately thereafter for dry ingredients. +The mountain gets steeper as you get closer. % -Time spent consuming a meal is in inverse proportion -to time spent preparing it. +The mountain looks closer than it is. % -Whatever it is, somebody will have had it for lunch. +The one course you must take to graduate will not be +offered during your last semester. % -If you're wondering if you took the meat out to -thaw, you didn't. +The one day you'd sell your soul for something, +souls are a glut. % -If you're wondering if you left the coffee pot -plugged in, you did. +The one ingredient you made a special trip to the store +to get will be the one thing your guest is allergic to. % -If you're wondering if you need to stop and pick up -bread and eggs on the way home, you do. +The one thing that money can not buy is poverty. % -If you're wondering if you have enough money to take -the family out to eat tonight, you don't. +The one time in the day that you lean back and relax +is the one time the boss walks through the office. % -The spot you are scrubbing on glassware is always on -the other side. +The one who least wants to play is the one who will win. % -Washing machines only break down during the wash cycle. +The one who snores will fall asleep first. % -All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off. +The one wrench or drill bit you need will be the one +missing from the tool chest. % -Cost of repair can be determined by multiplying the -cost of your new coat by 1.75, or by multiplying the -cost of a new washer by .75. +The one you want is never the one on sale. % -There is always more dirty laundry then clean laundry. +The only game that can't be fixed is peek-a-boo. % -If it's clean, it isn't laundry. +The only new TV show worth watching will be canceled. % -A child will not spill on a dirty floor. +The only way to make up for being lost is to make +record time while you are lost. % -An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. +The only winner in the war of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. % -Any child who chatters non-stop at home will adamantly -refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate -for an audience. +The organization of any program reflects the organization +of the people who developed it. % -A shy, introverted child will choose a crowded public -area to loudly demonstrate newly acquired vocabulary. +The other line always moves faster. +% +The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk +to the other end of the building. +% +The pills to be taken with meals will be the least +appetizing ones. +% +The primary function of the design engineer is to make +things difficult for the fabricator and impossible +for the serviceman. % The probability of a cat eating its dinner has absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food placed before it. % +The probability of anything happening is in +inverse ratio to its desirability. +% +The probability of meeting someone you know increases +when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. +% The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss to go in or out is directly proportional to the number and importance of your dinner guests. % -The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of -junk food available. +The quality of correlation is inversely proportional +to the density of control. % -If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe, -there won't be any left by the time they are ripe. If -you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten. +The quickest way to experiment with acupuncture is to +try on a new shirt. % -How long a minute is depends on which side of the -bathroom door you're on. +The race goes not always to the swift, nor the battle +to the strong, but that's the way to bet. % -The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely -with its price and directly with its ugliness. +The radiologists' national flower is the hedge. % -If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch -it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode. +The ratio of time involved in work to time available for +work is usually about 0.6 % -If there are only two shows worth watching, they will -be on together. +The repairman will never have seen a model quite like +yours before. % -The only new TV show worth watching will be canceled. +The road to hell is paved with good intentions +and littered with sloppy analyses! % -The TV show you've been looking forward to all week -will be preempted. +The rotten egg will be the one you break into the +cake batter. % -Most people deserve each other. +The scratch on the record is always through the song +you like most. % -Possessions increase to fill the space available for -their storage. +The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake +that you've got it made. % -When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal +The severity of an itch is inversely proportional +to the reach. % -(1) The telephone will ring when you are outside the - door, fumbling for your keys. - -(2) You will reach it just in time to hear the click - of the caller hanging up. +The simpler the instruction, e.g. "press here", the +more difficult it will be to open the package. % -People to whom you are attracted invariably think you -remind them of someone else. +The six steps of program management are: +(1) Wild enthusiasm +(2) Disenchantment +(3) Total confusion +(4) Search for guilty +(5) Punishment for the innocent +(6) Promotion of the non-participants % -The one who snores will fall asleep first. +The slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out +lane. % -Never get excited about a blind date because of how -it sounds over the phone. +The source for an unattributed quotation will appear +in the most hostile review of your work. % -The love letter you finally got the courage to send -will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to -make a fool of yourself in person. +The speed of an oncoming vehicle is directly proportional +to the length of the passing zone. % -Other people's romantic gestures seem novel and exciting. - -Your own romantic gestures seem foolish and clumsy. +The spot you are scrubbing on glassware is always on +the other side. % -The length of a marriage is inversely proportional -to the amount spent on the wedding. +The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of +junk food available. % -The probability of meeting someone you know increases -when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. +The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, +even in the wrong denomination. % -If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember -you - the next time he's in need. +The sun goes down just when you need it the most. % -Virtue is its own punishment. +The system itself does not do what it says it is doing. % -If you do something right once, someone will ask -you to do it again. +The tendency of smoke from a cigarette, barbeque, +campfire, etc. to drift into a person's face varies +directly with that person's sensitivity to smoke. % -The one day you'd sell your soul for something, -souls are a glut. +The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his +subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems. % -The scratch on the record is always through the song -you like most. +The time available to go fishing shrinks as the fishing +season draws nearer. % -Superiority is recessive. +The time it takes to rectify a situation is +inversely proportional to the time it took +to do the damage. % -Forgive and remember. +The total behavior of large systems cannot be predicted. % -Anything good in life either causes cancer in -laboratory mice or is taxed beyond reality. +The TV show you've been looking forward to all week +will be preempted. % -To err is human -- to blame it on someone else is -even more human. +The usefulness of any meeting +is in inverse proportion to the attendance. % -Whatever happens to you, it will previously have -happened to everyone you know only more so. +The value of a program is proportional +to the weight of its output. % -He who laughs last -- probably didn't get the joke. +The worse your line is tangled, the better is the +fishing around you. % -In a bureaucratic hierarchy, the higher up the -organization the less people appreciate Murphy's law, -the Peter Principle, etc. +The wrong quarterback is the one that's in there. % -Law expands in proportion to the resources available -for its enforcement. +The yoo-hoo you yoo-hoo into the forest is the yoo-hoo you +get back. % -Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed. +Them what gets--has. +% +There are no winners in life: Only survivors. % There are some things which are impossible to know - but it is impossible to know these things. % -When we try to pick out anything by itself we find -it hitched to everything else in the universe. +There are three ways to get things done: + (1) Do it yourself, + (2) Hire someone to do it, or + (3) Forbid your kids to do it. % -If one views his problem closely enough he will -recognize himself as part of the problem. +There are two kinds of adhesive tape: That which won't +stay on and that which won't come off. % -Everything may be divided into as many parts as you please. +There is a solution to every problem; +the only difficulty is finding it. % -If several things that could have gone wrong have not -gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial -for them to have gone wrong. +There is always more dirty laundry then clean laundry. % -The quickest way to experiment with acupuncture is to -try on a new shirt. +There is always one more bug. % -Absolutely nothing in the world is friendlier than -a wet dog. +There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. % -The severity of an itch is inversely proportional -to the reach. +There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", +only a capitalist. % -A hug is the perfect gift - one size fits all, and -nobody minds if you exchange it. +There is no such thing as a straight line. % -The only game that can't be fixed is peek-a-boo. +There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action. % -Ignorance should be painful. +There's never time to do it right, but there's always +time to do it over. % -The first insurance agent was David - -he gave Goliath a piece of the rock. +There's no time like the present for postponing +what you don't want to do. % -King Arthur ran the first knight club. +Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other. % -Magellan was the first strait man. +Things get worse under pressure. % -If you smile when everything goes wrong, you are -either a nitwit or a repairman. +This space for rent. % -If it weren't for the opinion polls we'd never know -what people are undecided about. +Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least. % -No news is ... impossible. +Those with the best advice offer no advice. % -Laugh and the world laughs with you. cry and ... -you have to blow your nose. +Time spent consuming a meal is in inverse proportion +to time spent preparing it. % -A penny saved is ... not much. +To err is human -- to blame it on someone else is +even more human. % -He who marries for money ... better be nice to his wife. +To err is human, but to really foul things up requires +a computer. % -It's always darkest before ... daylight saving time. +To err is human, to forgive is divine -- +but to forget it altogether is humane. % -If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries. +To get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it. % -There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action. +To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression. % -Life is like an ice-cream cone: You have to learn to -lick it. +To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job +will take the longest and cost the most. % -One place where you're sure to find the perfect -driver is in the back seat. +Trial balances don't. % -Nothing is indestructible, with the possible exception -of discount-priced fruitcakes. +Truth is elastic. % -How do they know no two snowflakes are alike? +Unless the results are known in advance, funding +agencies will reject the proposal. % -How did they measure hail before the golf ball was invented? +Unless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man +in the balls, not even symbolically or perhaps especially +not symbolically. % -To err is human, to forgive is divine -- -but to forget it altogether is humane. +Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation +for being useful. +% +Virtue is its own punishment. +% +Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by +spontaneously moving from where you left them to where +you can't find them. +% +Washing machines only break down during the wash cycle. +% +Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. % "Watching a birdie" in hand is safer than watching one overhead. % -The light at the end of the tunnel can be a helluva -nuisance, especially if you're using the tunnel -as a darkroom. +Whatever can go to New York, will. % -Never play leapfrog with a photo enlarger. +Whatever carrousel you stand by, your baggage will +come in on another one. % -Never argue with an artist. +Whatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest +number must happen. +% +Whatever happens to you, it will previously have +happened to everyone you know only more so. +% +Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. +% +Whatever it is, somebody will have had it for lunch. +% +When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, +it will work perfectly. +% +When a distinguished scientist states something is possible, +he is almost certainly right. When he states that +something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. +% +When a student asks for a second time if you have read +his book report, he did not read the book. +% +When a writer prepares a manuscript on a subject he does +not understand, his work will be understood only by +readers who know more about that subject than he does. +% +When all else fails, read the instructions. +% +When an exaggerated emphasis is placed upon delegation, +responsibility, like sediment, sinks to the bottom. +% +When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. % When in doubt, don't mumble, overexpose ... then mumble. % -The light at the end of the tunnel really is a train. +When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. % -A budget is saving quarters in a mason jar for -Christmas and spending them by Easter. +When in doubt, mumble. +When in trouble, delegate. +When in charge, ponder. % -A budget is spending $15.00 on gas to drive to a -shopping mall to save $4.30 on a 20 pound turkey. +When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue. % -A budget is wondering why you should balance yours -if the government can not balance theirs. +When in trouble, obfuscate. % -A budget is trying to figure out how the family next -door is doing it. +When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade. % -A budget is a plan that falls apart when the plumber -has to make an emergency visit. +When more and more people are thrown out of work, +unemployment results. % -A budget is trying to make $25.00 go as far today as -it did when you were first married. +When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used +interchangeably. % -A budget is buying a dress two sizes too small because -it was marked down. +When outrageous expenditures are divided finely enough +the public will not have enough stake in any one +expenditure to squelch it. % -You sure have to borrow a lot of money these days to -be an average consumer. +When properly administered, vacations do not diminish +productivity. For every week you are away and get nothing +done, there is another week when your boss is away and you +get twice as much done. % -He who dies with the most toys wins. +When putting it into memory, remember where you put it. % -A fool and his money soon go partying. +When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most +important ones will be illegible. % -If his IQ was any lower he'd be a plant. +When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it +around instead of picking it up. % -Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. +When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. % -It is far better to do nothing than to do -something efficiently. - -- Siezbo +When the government bureau's remedies do not match your +problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. % -The man who has no more problems is out of the game. +When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you +becomes a hammer. % -The race goes not always to the swift, nor the battle -to the strong, but that's the way to bet. +When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system +will perform perfectly. % -A fool and his money are invited places. +When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad. % -All things come to him whose name is on a mailing list. +When things are going well, someone will inevitably +experiment detrimentally. % -The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached -to someone who isn't getting enough sleep. +When things are going well, something will go wrong. +When things just can't get any worse, they will. +When things appear to be going better you have overlooked +something. % -After winning an argument with his wife, -the wisest thing a man can do is apologize. +When traveling overseas, the exchange rate improves +markedly the day after one has purchased foreign +currency. + +Upon returning home, the exchange rate drops again as +soon as one has converted all unused foreign currency. % -If opportunity came disguised as temptation, -one knock would be enough. +When we try to pick out anything by itself we find +it hitched to everything else in the universe. % -If there was any justice in this world, people would -occasionally be permitted to fly over pigeons. +When working toward the solution of a problem, +it always helps if you know the answer. +Provided of course you know there is a problem. % -Easy doesn't do it. +When you are able to schedule two classes in a row, +they will be held in classrooms at opposite end of +the campus. % -Most people want to be delivered from temptation but -would like it to keep in touch. +When you are right be logical, +when you are wrong be-fuddle. % -When a distinguished scientist states something is possible, -he is almost certainly right. When he states that -something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. +When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty +to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you. % -Everyone gets away with something. -No one gets away with everything. +When you consider there are 24 hours in a day, it's +sad to know that only one is called the happy hour. % -Remain silent about your intentions until you are sure +When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal % -Calm down .... it is only ones and zeros. +When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. % -Real programmers don't write COBOL. -COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers. +When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the +world's composed of aluminum and vinyl. % -I have not lost my mind, it is backed up on tape somewhere. +When your opponent is down, kick him. % -Real programmers do not document. -Documentation is for simps who can't read listings or -object code. +When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn +green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop. % -Real programmers don't write specs -- users should -consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and -take what they get. +Whenever a superstar is traded to your favorite team, +he fades. Whenever your team trades away a useless +no-name, he immediately rises to stardom. % -Real programmers don't comment their code. if it is hard -to write, it should be hard to understand. +Whenever you cut your fingernails you will find a +need for them an hour later. % -Real programmers don't write applications programs; they -program right down on the bare metal. Application -programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming. +Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit. % -Real programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real -programmers don't know how to spell quiche. They eat -Twinkies and szechuan food. +Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today! % -Real programmer's programs never work the first time. But -if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into -working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions. +Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet +reached their level of incompetence. % -Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real -programmers are around at 9 a.m., it's because they -were up all night. +Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the +water that keeps it green. % -Real programmers don't write in Basic. Actually, no -programmers write in Basic after age 12. +Workers won't. % -Real programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for -programmers who can't decide whether to write in -COBOL or Fortran. +Working capital doesn't. % -Real programmers don't play tennis or any other sport -that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is -O.K., and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work -in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle -of the machine room. +Writings prepared without understanding must fail in the +first objective of communication -- informing +the uninformed. % -Real programmers don't write in Pascal, Bliss, or Ada, or -any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong -typing is for people with weak memories. +You are always complimented on the item which took the +least effort to prepare. + +Example: + If you make "duck a l'orange" you will be + complimented on the baked potato. % -On a clear disk, you can seek forever. +You are not drunk if you can lay on the floor without +holding on. % -Hollerith got us into this hole mess! +You can always find what you're not looking for. % -No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets, -with the same staff that started it. Yours will not be the -first. +You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to +float on his back, you've really got something. % -When things are going well, something will go wrong. -When things just can't get any worse, they will. -When things appear to be going better you have overlooked -something. +You can never do just one thing. % -If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of -change will exceed the rate of progress. +You can observe a lot just by watching. % -No system is ever completely debugged: Attempts to debug -a system will inevitably introduce new bugs that are even -harder to find. +You can pray hard enough to make water run uphill +how hard? +Hard enough to make water run uphill. % -A carelessly planned project will take three times -longer than expected; a carefully planned project will -take only twice as long. +You can't expect to hit the jackpot +if you don't put a few nickels in the machine. % -After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said -than done +You can't fix it if it ain't broke. % -If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. +You can't guard against the arbitrary. % -Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty, and the pig -likes it! +You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it. % -Don't fight with a bear in his own cage. +You don't have to be crazy to work here +but it sure helps!!!!!!! % -The six steps of program management are: -(1) Wild enthusiasm -(2) Disenchantment -(3) Total confusion -(4) Search for guilty -(5) Punishment for the innocent -(6) Promotion of the non-participants +You may be recognized soon. +Hide! +If they find you, lie. % -He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from -the next freeway exit. +You may know where the market is going, but you can't +possibly know where it's going after that. % -An expert doesn't know any more than you do. He or she is -merely better organized and uses slides. +You never have the right number of pills left on the +last day of a prescription. % -Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have -to do it himself/herself. +You never know who's right, but you always know +who's in charge. % -You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to -float on his back, you've really got something. +You sure have to borrow a lot of money these days to +be an average consumer. % -You win some, lose some, and some get rained out; but you -gotta suit up for them all. +You will always find something in the last place you look. % -People are promoted not by what they can do, but what -people think they can do. +You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash +when the garbage truck is two doors away. % -Don't smoke in bed - the ashes on the floor might be your -own. +You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you +don't burn your bridges until you come to them. % -I can only please one person per day. -Today is not your day. -(Tomorrow isn't looking good either.) +You win some, lose some, and some get rained out; but you +gotta suit up for them all. % |
