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diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes index 53510b0..d547ee6 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes @@ -135,6 +135,21 @@ all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we could tell them. -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84 % + Has your family tried 'em? + + POWDERMILK BISCUITS + + Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! + + They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons + the strength to get up and do what needs to be done. + + POWDERMILK BISCUITS + + Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of + the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark + stains that indicate freshness. +% It's grad exam time... COMPUTER SCIENCE Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating @@ -254,21 +269,6 @@ indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important, salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and steel industries. % - Has your family tried 'em? - - POWDERMILK BISCUITS - - Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! - - They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons - the strength to get up and do what needs to be done. - - POWDERMILK BISCUITS - - Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of - the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark - stains that indicate freshness. -% THE STORY OF CREATION or THE MYTH OF URK @@ -752,6 +752,9 @@ and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" % + A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from +his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp. +% A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the house of seven gobbles. % @@ -805,6 +808,15 @@ outside one day..." finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week. % + A horrible little boy came up to me and said, "You know in your +book The Martian Chronicles?" + I said, "Yes?" + He said, "You know where you talk about Deimos rising in the +East?" + I said, "Yes?" + He said "No." -- So I hit him. + -- attributed to Ray Bradbury +% A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted. % @@ -939,6 +951,16 @@ so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on." -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % + A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your +work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave +at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several +resigned on the spot. + So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own +working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The +programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee +hours of the morning. + -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" +% A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?" @@ -951,16 +973,6 @@ take it I assign ten programmers to it?" completed," he said. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % - A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your -work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave -at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several -resigned on the spot. - So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own -working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The -programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee -hours of the morning. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me", he said, "may I examine it?" @@ -1098,6 +1110,10 @@ power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly, of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The machine worked. % + "A penny for your thoughts?" + "A dollar for your death." + -- The Odd Couple +% A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily. @@ -1154,6 +1170,11 @@ with social conventions?" "They are alive within the Tao." -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % + A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all +these stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" + "It isn't the stops and starts that get on my nerves, it's the +jerks." +% A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?" @@ -1243,6 +1264,16 @@ and I've been telling it to the Maureens." from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille." % + "...A strange enigma is man!" + "Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested. + "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked +that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he +becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what +any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number +will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says +the statistician." + -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" +% A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic. % A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened @@ -1261,6 +1292,10 @@ a rattler?" persisted the woman. "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are." % + A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a +little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to +save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder." +% A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech @@ -1409,6 +1444,11 @@ impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and screams: "Anybody got a match?" % + An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same +time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they +had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll +teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too." +% An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great restraint. @@ -1499,6 +1539,16 @@ I have not been enlightened. What should I do?" asked the father of his little son. "Diet." % + "Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully. + "None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding +someone qualified who is willing to accept the post." + "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I +can at least make a decision." + "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic +young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most +up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind." + -- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly" +% "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the posh hotel. @@ -1536,6 +1586,14 @@ Governor, and he vaporized. Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!" % + "Are you police officers?" + "No, ma'am. We're musicians." + -- The Blues Brothers +% + "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?" + "No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat." + -- Monty Python +% As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab @@ -1549,11 +1607,6 @@ for doing it." Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head under the exhaust of a bus until he revived. % -Attempting to stop MySQL by buying companies around it is like trying -to kill a dolphin by drinking the ocean. - - -- Mårten Mickos -% Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers. @@ -1568,6 +1621,12 @@ Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" % + "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, +and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full +of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come +by their ignorance the hard way." + -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle" +% Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November, and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't @@ -1585,6 +1644,9 @@ You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die." pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered. "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die." % + "But Huey, you PROMISED!" + "Tell 'em I lied." +% By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were still five feet between rails. @@ -1625,6 +1687,14 @@ Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension, Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again. % + "Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, which +way I ought to go from here?" + "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said +the Cat. + "I don't care much where--" said Alice. + "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat. + -- Lewis Carroll +% COMMENT Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, @@ -1700,6 +1770,10 @@ CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES. Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie" % + "Do you think there's a God?" + "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!" + -- Calvin and Hobbs +% Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine. @@ -1720,6 +1794,11 @@ They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" % + "Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?" + "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" + "Well, I've never done anything illegal before." + "... I thought you said you were an accountant." +% Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or "mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such @@ -1819,6 +1898,9 @@ but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with energy policy and neither do you." -- P. J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell" % + "Fantasies are free." + "NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!" +% Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors @@ -1892,23 +1974,6 @@ thoughts?" "What happened?" "I was struck by the beauty of the place." % - A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all -these stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" - "It isn't the stops and starts that get on my nerves, it's the -jerks." -% - An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same -time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they -had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll -teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too." -% - A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from -his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp. -% - A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a -little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to -save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder." -% Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy @@ -2034,6 +2099,18 @@ have been worse?" "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be dead right now." % + "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" + "Yes; I don't have one." + "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..." + -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington +% + "Have you lived here all your life?" + "Oh, twice that long." +% + "Hawk, we're going to die." + "Never say die... and certainly never say we." + -- M*A*S*H +% He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and @@ -2064,6 +2141,20 @@ without darkening me. "How would that help?" "Used a whip." % + "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" + "Whattaya need?" + "Oh, about $500." + "Whattaya got for collateral?" + "Whattaya need?" + "How about an eye?" + -- Sam Giancana +% + "Hmm, lots of people seem to be confused about the difference +between amd64 and ia64." + "Obviously they've never had an ia64 drop on their foot. They'd +know the difference then." + -- Peter Wemm explains CPU architecture +% Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say @@ -2087,6 +2178,20 @@ of her blonde companion. "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?" "Olives." % + "How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why +were you afraid to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her." + "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat +replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were +you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be +deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your +second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested +in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then +licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but +examined his claws. + "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been +hers and not my own, not ever again." + -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" +% "How many people work here?" "Oh, about half." % @@ -2220,6 +2325,26 @@ by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly understand his long delay. % + I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me. +I pushed "1" and he just stood there. I said "Hi, where you going?" + He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later +the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. + I looked at him and said "You know, you're the kind of guy I +want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his +shack in the desert. + Then the phone rang. He said "You get it." + I picked it up and said "Hello?" + The other side said "Is this Steven Wright?" + I said "Yes..." + The guy said "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from +your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the +university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we +loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" + I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all +of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... +and I would appreciate it you never called me again." + -- Steven Wright +% "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me. I think very probably he might be cured." "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob. @@ -2242,6 +2367,10 @@ operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies." "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob. -- H.G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind" % + "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." + "Did you ever see a doctor?" + "No, just spots." +% I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such @@ -2313,6 +2442,24 @@ otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'" -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" % + I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5." + He said, "What you need is to grow up, son." + I said, "Growin' up leads to growin' old, And then to dying, and +to me that don't sound like much fun. + -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song" +% + "I suppose you expect me to talk." + "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die." + -- Goldfinger +% + "I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'" + "Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of +dairy products." + -- The Life of Brian +% + "I thought you were trying to get into shape." + "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle." +% If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is also a psychological interaction. @@ -2400,6 +2547,11 @@ pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left blank." -- Alex Crain % + "I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after +badly nicking a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel." + "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home +under my arm." +% In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, Junior, what are you up to?" "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the @@ -2551,6 +2703,11 @@ Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. Three be the things I shall have till I die: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. % + "Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?" + "To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time." + "The dog did nothing in the night-time." + "That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes. +% It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire. During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the @@ -2648,6 +2805,14 @@ under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting icepacks. -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" % + "It's a summons." + "What's a summons?" + "It means summon's in trouble." + -- Rocky and Bullwinkle +% + "It's today!" said Piglet. + "My favorite day," said Pooh. +% Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade. "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag @@ -2728,9 +2893,20 @@ My love is like the pint of scotch And I shall love thee still, my dear, Until my wife is wise. % + "Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years." + "What about X?" + "I said `intellectual'." + ;login, 9/1990 +% Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills. Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max." % + "Mind if I smoke?" + "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!" +% + "Mind if I smoke?" + "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?" +% Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all the people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son." Laughingly I felled her with a right cross. @@ -2792,6 +2968,9 @@ looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying. So we're going back in a few years... -- Julius H. Marx % + "My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?" + "Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo." +% My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of @@ -3451,6 +3630,10 @@ I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says, "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..." % + She said, "I know you ... you cannot sing." + I said, "That's nothing, you should hear me play piano." + -- Morrisey +% "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart." "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?" "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and @@ -3489,6 +3672,13 @@ and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" % + "So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might +want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime." + "Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David." + "Friday, then?" + "Why not, David, it might even be fun." + -- Dating in Minnesota +% Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town. A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let @@ -3583,6 +3773,9 @@ you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally broke and rolled back. -- Hunter S. Thompson % + "Surely you can't be serious." + "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley." +% Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up @@ -3733,6 +3926,17 @@ If you're wearing a shirt that's red. % The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on the subject of towels. + A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an +interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. +You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons +of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches +of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River +Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off +with it if it still seems to be clean enough. + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" +% + The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on +the subject of towels. Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a @@ -3744,17 +3948,6 @@ win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be reckoned with. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on -the subject of towels. - A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an -interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. -You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons -of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches -of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River -Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off -with it if it still seems to be clean enough. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding. After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his @@ -3771,6 +3964,10 @@ shot the horse between the eyes. married! You're a sadist, that's what!" The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said. % + "The jig's up, Elman." + "Which jig?" + -- Jeff Elman +% THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene @@ -3951,6 +4148,12 @@ blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves. The answer exists only in the Tao. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % + "The pyramid is opening!" + "Which one?" + "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" + -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At + Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" +% The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned @@ -4069,6 +4272,11 @@ are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but heroes are meant to die for unicorns." -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" % + "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?" + "NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?" + "I'll put `maybe.'" + -- Bloom County +% THEORY Into love and out again, Thus I went and thus I go. @@ -4317,6 +4525,11 @@ was Carmen or Cohen. since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots. % + "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" + "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to +food, right?" + -- MacNelley, "Shoe" +% "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts. @@ -4463,6 +4676,11 @@ an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me." "It means the Thing to Do." "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly. % + "Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?" + "Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ... +coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero." + -- Dr. Who +% "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale. @@ -4503,6 +4721,12 @@ I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be." "I'm going to disconnect your brain." -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld" % + "What are we going to do?" + "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking +for something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a +short initiation period." + -- Maddie and David, "Moonlighting" +% "What are you watching?" "I don't know." "Well, what's happening?" @@ -4555,6 +4779,15 @@ computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what it does. We call it a two-by-four." -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe" % + "When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the +assembled bar patrons. A loud general cheer went up. After downing his +whiskey, he hopped onto a barstool and shouted "When I take another +drink, *everybody* takes another drink!" The announcement produced +another cheer and another round of drinks. + As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back +onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto +the bar, "*everybody* pays!" +% When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal" @@ -4701,6 +4934,14 @@ there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile> There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?" -- Cold Fusion, 1989 % + "You are *so* lovely." + "Yes." + "Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess." +% + "You boys lookin' for trouble?" + "Sure. Whaddya got?" + -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones" +% "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?" "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --" "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I @@ -4808,12 +5049,6 @@ you are young. " " -- Marcel Marceau % -Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels -start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and -then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the -music at top volume and at least a pint of ether. - -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" -% /\ \\ \ / \ \\ / @@ -5064,10 +5299,6 @@ III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction. -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 % -I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a -pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises! - -- Winston Churchill -% 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose 2. The Nutcracker Swede 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World @@ -5141,10 +5372,9 @@ astray by hunting and pecking. % ... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers. % -And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of -your own. - -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter - Preposterous Words +... and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a +courtesy detail. + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % ... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have @@ -5222,11 +5452,6 @@ Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he knows them in the naming. -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light" % -Gentlemen do not read each other's mail. - -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down - the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National - Security Agency. -% /* Haley */ (Haley's comment.) @@ -5881,9 +6106,6 @@ You patch a bug, and dump it again: You patch a bug, and dump it again: 101 blocks of crud on the disk! % -A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor. - -- Ben Franklin -% A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other. % @@ -6826,15 +7048,6 @@ I'm doing *great*! How are you?" % A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for? % - A horrible little boy came up to me and said, "You know in your -book The Martian Chronicles?" - I said, "Yes?" - He said, "You know where you talk about Deimos rising in the -East?" - I said, "Yes?" - He said "No." -- So I hit him. - -- attributed to Ray Bradbury -% A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" % @@ -7016,6 +7229,8 @@ A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of trouble. -- Adlai Stevenson % +A life lived in fear is a life half lived. +% A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent. % A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about. @@ -7528,10 +7743,6 @@ A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. % A pencil with no point needs no eraser. % - "A penny for your thoughts?" - "A dollar for your death." - -- The Odd Couple -% A penny saved has not been spent. % A penny saved is a penny taxed. @@ -8028,16 +8239,6 @@ Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him. % A stitch in time saves nine. % - "...A strange enigma is man!" - "Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested. - "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked -that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he -becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what -any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number -will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says -the statistician." - -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" -% A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. -- O'Henry % @@ -8160,6 +8361,9 @@ A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art. -- Shaw % +A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor. + -- Ben Franklin +% A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. % A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. @@ -9027,16 +9231,16 @@ Kansas City. -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd been traded % -Air, n.: - A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for - the fattening of the poor. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% Air Force Inertia Axiom: Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness. % Air is water with holes in it. % +Air, n.: + A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for + the fattening of the poor. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose. % Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. @@ -10166,6 +10370,11 @@ And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it. % And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. % +And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of +your own. + -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter + Preposterous Words +% ...and report cards I was always afraid to show Mama'd come to school and as I'd sit there softly cryin' @@ -10215,10 +10424,6 @@ white children begin with a small separation but increase it during growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress. -- S. J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation" % -... and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a -courtesy detail. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% And the silence came surging softly backwards When the plunging hooves were gone... -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners" @@ -10465,16 +10670,6 @@ liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat. -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London % - "Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully. - "None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding -someone qualified who is willing to accept the post." - "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I -can at least make a decision." - "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic -young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most -up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind." - -- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly" -% Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there. -- Sydney J. Harris % @@ -10513,6 +10708,10 @@ Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. -- Arthur C. Clarke % +Any sufficiently simple directive can be obfuscated beyond reason +given proper legal counsel. + -- Alfred Perlstein +% Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. % @@ -10828,36 +11027,8 @@ Are you a turtle? % Are you making all this up as you go along? % - "Are you police officers?" - "No, ma'am. We're musicians." - -- The Blues Brothers -% Are you sure the back door is locked? % - "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?" - "No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat." - -- Monty Python -% -Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer) - -Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose? -Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers? -Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties? -Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy? -Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick? -Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen - or so pencils from marking the cloth? -Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name? -Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do? -Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow? -Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose? - -0-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood. -3-5 -- There is hope for you yet. -6-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City. -8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril. -11+ -- Does suicide seem attractive? -% Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours. -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul % @@ -11518,6 +11689,11 @@ or street lamp. Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. -- Winston Churchill % +Attempting to stop MySQL by buying companies around it is like trying +to kill a dolphin by drinking the ocean. + + -- Mårten Mickos +% Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many @@ -11827,6 +12003,11 @@ Be valiant, but not too venturous. Let thy attire be comely, but not costly. -- John Lyly % +beachhead: +In marketing: a small piece of a market over which you gain control and +from which you go out to control other pieces of the market. +In war: where soldiers die. +% Beam me up, Scotty! % Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser! @@ -11911,6 +12092,10 @@ Before you ask more questions, think about whether you really want to know the answers. -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator" % +Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. +That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have +their shoes. +% Begathon, n.: A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so you won't have to watch commercials. @@ -12225,12 +12410,6 @@ shoot at tax collectors -- and miss. % Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question. % - "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, -and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full -of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come -by their ignorance the hard way." - -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle" -% Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but nothing of interest is easy. % @@ -12831,9 +13010,6 @@ But has any little atom, Ever stopped to think or CARE That E = m c**2 ? % - "But Huey, you PROMISED!" - "Tell 'em I lied." -% But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness. I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to kill more than I could eat. @@ -13444,14 +13620,6 @@ Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react. Cheops' Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. % - "Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, which -way I ought to go from here?" - "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said -the Cat. - "I don't care much where--" said Alice. - "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat. - -- Lewis Carroll -% Chess tonight. % Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire. @@ -13640,10 +13808,6 @@ Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. -- Phyllis Diller % -There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years -the dirt doesn't get any worse. - -- Quentin Crisp -% Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. -- P. J. O'Rourke % @@ -14198,12 +14362,12 @@ to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive interface devices. % +Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe. +% Conquering the world on horseback is easy; it is dismounting and governing that is hard. -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan % -Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe. -% Conscience doth make cowards of us all. -- Shakespeare % @@ -14606,6 +14770,20 @@ David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans": * Our well-behaved golf professionals * Fabulous babes coast to coast % +David Sarnoff, 1964: "The computer will become the hub of a vast network of +remote data stations and information banks feeding into the machine at +a transmission rate of a billion or more bits of information a +second. Laser channels will vastly increase both data capacity and the +speeds with which it will be transmitted. Eventually, a global +communications network handling voice, data and facsimile will +instantly link man to machine--or machine to machine--by land, air, +underwater, and space circuits. [The computer] will affect man's +ways of thinking, his means of education, his relationship to his physical +and social environment, and it will alter his ways of living... +[Before the end of this century, these forces] will coalesce into what +unquestionably will become the greatest adventure of the human mind." + -- Eugene Lyons, "David Sarnoff" 1966 +% Davis' Law of Traffic Density: The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time. @@ -15578,10 +15756,6 @@ Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? -- Steven Wright % - "Do you think there's a God?" - "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!" - -- Calvin and Hobbs -% Do you think your mother and I should have lived comfortably so long together if ever we had been married? % @@ -15915,11 +16089,6 @@ Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think. % Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? % - "Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?" - "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" - "Well, I've never done anything illegal before." - "... I thought you said you were an accountant." -% Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely want to help you could agree with each other? % @@ -16906,6 +17075,12 @@ Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis. It makes sense, when you don't think about it. % +Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels +start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and +then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the +music at top volume and at least a pint of ether. + -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" +% Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so! But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and when they aren't. @@ -17443,9 +17618,6 @@ Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim. -- George Santayana % - "Fantasies are free." - "NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!" -% Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free. @@ -19529,6 +19701,8 @@ General notions are generally wrong. Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death. -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645 % +Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. +% Generic Fortune. % Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals. @@ -19591,6 +19765,11 @@ of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance: -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office, London, 1812 % +Gentlemen do not read each other's mail. + -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down + the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National + Security Agency. +% Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's old girl friend. % @@ -19717,6 +19896,9 @@ Ginsburg's Law: % GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error. % +Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, +and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. +% Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner. -- Calvin Keegan @@ -20792,11 +20974,6 @@ coin toss. % Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter? % - "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" - "Yes; I don't have one." - "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..." - -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington -% Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands. @@ -20892,9 +21069,6 @@ never find the time for play? % Have you flogged your kid today? % - "Have you lived here all your life?" - "Oh, twice that long." -% Have you locked your file cabinet? % Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, @@ -20973,10 +21147,6 @@ the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar. "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big dog, too!" % - "Hawk, we're going to die." - "Never say die... and certainly never say we." - -- M*A*S*H -% Hawkeye's Conclusion: It's not easy to play the clown when you've got to run the whole circus. @@ -21326,6 +21496,10 @@ lying in hospitals dying of nothing. -- Redd Foxx % Hear about... + the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus? + Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe. +% +Hear about... the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea? % @@ -21349,10 +21523,6 @@ Hear about... typewriter's ribbon? % Hear about... - the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus? - Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe. -% -Hear about... the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery? One fortunate cookie... % @@ -21624,14 +21794,6 @@ HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because these words were spoken. % - "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" - "Whattaya need?" - "Oh, about $500." - "Whattaya got for collateral?" - "Whattaya need?" - "How about an eye?" - -- Sam Giancana -% Hey, what do you expect from a culture that *drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*? -- Gallagher @@ -21890,12 +22052,6 @@ Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it. % - "Hmm, lots of people seem to be confused about the difference -between amd64 and ia64." - "Obviously they've never had an ia64 drop on their foot. They'd -know the difference then." - -- Peter Wemm explains CPU architecture -% Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents: An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel. @@ -22138,20 +22294,6 @@ How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows. How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? -- Elliot, "E.T." % - "How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why -were you afraid to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her." - "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat -replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were -you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be -deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your -second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested -in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then -licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but -examined his claws. - "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been -hers and not my own, not ever again." - -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" -% How doth the little crocodile Improve his shining tail, And pour the waters of the Nile @@ -22182,9 +22324,6 @@ How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them. How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to? -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero % -How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? -None: "We'll document it in the manual." -% "How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by a waiter at a nice party?" @@ -22198,6 +22337,9 @@ cheese!" and so on. % How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass? % +How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? +None: "We'll document it in the manual." +% How many weeks are there in a light year? % How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to @@ -23208,26 +23350,6 @@ I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs. I go the way that Providence dictates. -- Adolf Hitler % - I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me. -I pushed "1" and he just stood there. I said "Hi, where you going?" - He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later -the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. - I looked at him and said "You know, you're the kind of guy I -want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his -shack in the desert. - Then the phone rang. He said "You get it." - I picked it up and said "Hello?" - The other side said "Is this Steven Wright?" - I said "Yes..." - The guy said "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from -your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the -university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we -loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" - I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all -of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... -and I would appreciate it you never called me again." - -- Steven Wright -% I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go." @@ -23702,10 +23824,6 @@ I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field. I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. -- Bill Hoest % - "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." - "Did you ever see a doctor?" - "No, just spots." -% I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven't had time for tobacco since. -- Arturo Toscanini @@ -23901,6 +24019,21 @@ I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything. -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo" % +I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah +Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda + S-O-D-A soda +I saw the little runt sitting there on a log +I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda + Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda + +Well I've been around but I ain't never seen +A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green + Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda +Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand +How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand + Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda + -- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks +% I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators. -- Steven Wright @@ -24187,12 +24320,6 @@ countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere if they don't get it. -- Mark Twain % - I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5." - He said, "What you need is to grow up, son." - I said, "Growin' up leads to growin' old, And then to dying, and -to me that don't sound like much fun. - -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song" -% I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink... and then natural selection reared its ugly head. % @@ -24407,10 +24534,6 @@ are worth considering, to wit: I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself. % - "I suppose you expect me to talk." - "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die." - -- Goldfinger -% I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh. -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain" @@ -24443,11 +24566,6 @@ I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark. -- Woody Allen % - "I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'" - "Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of -dairy products." - -- The Life of Brian -% I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee. -- Shakespeare % @@ -24594,8 +24712,9 @@ working for scale. % I thought YOU silenced the guard! % - "I thought you were trying to get into shape." - "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle." +I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a +pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises! + -- Winston Churchill % I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes. @@ -25454,6 +25573,8 @@ If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success. % If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. % +If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. +% If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. -- W. E. Hickson % @@ -26690,6 +26811,9 @@ you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast. If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn 365 useless things. % +If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was +probably worth it. +% If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven. % If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. @@ -27216,9 +27340,6 @@ I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary. -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor % -Oh no my dear, I'm a very good man. I'm just a very bad wizard. - -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz" -% I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister. % @@ -27431,11 +27552,6 @@ I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie. I'm successful because I'm lucky. The harder I work, the luckier I get. % - "I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after -badly nicking a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel." - "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home -under my arm." -% I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, @@ -28042,21 +28158,6 @@ this was for practice; then he made school boards. In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why can't he? % -I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah -Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda - S-O-D-A soda -I saw the little runt sitting there on a log -I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda - Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda - -Well I've been around but I ain't never seen -A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green - Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda -Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand -How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand - Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda - -- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks -% In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians. -- Joseph Stalin % @@ -28520,11 +28621,6 @@ Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? % Is that really YOU that is reading this? % - "Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?" - "To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time." - "The dog did nothing in the night-time." - "That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes. -% Is there life before breakfast? % Is this really happening? @@ -29552,11 +29648,6 @@ when you lose yours. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. -- Steven Wright % - "It's a summons." - "What's a summons?" - "It means summon's in trouble." - -- Rocky and Bullwinkle -% It's a very *_U_N*lucky week in which to be took dead. -- Churchy La Femme % @@ -29875,9 +29966,6 @@ boy gets another beer. % It's the thought, if any, that counts! % - "It's today!" said Piglet. - "My favorite day," said Pooh. -% It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're madly in love, drunk, or running for office. % @@ -31514,6 +31602,11 @@ Life only demands from you the strength you possess. Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away. -- Dag Hammarskjold % +Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention +of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but +rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, +and loudly proclaiming --WOW---What A RIDE!! +% Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can @@ -32241,11 +32334,6 @@ Ma Bell is a mean mother! % MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that. % - "Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years." - "What about X?" - "I said `intellectual'." - ;login, 9/1990 -% Machine-Independent, adj.: Does not run on any existing machine. % @@ -33333,12 +33421,6 @@ But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail. % - "Mind if I smoke?" - "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!" -% - "Mind if I smoke?" - "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?" -% Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference. % Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine. @@ -33416,8 +33498,6 @@ Mix's Law: There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building. There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax. % -Moebius strippers never show you their back side. -% MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers @@ -33488,6 +33568,8 @@ Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out. % Moebius always does it on the same side. % +Moebius strippers never show you their back side. +% Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better. @@ -33526,16 +33608,16 @@ Mom's Law: When they finally do have to take you to the hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new. % -Monday, n.: - In Christian countries, the day after the football game. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. % Monday, n.: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % +Monday, n.: + In Christian countries, the day after the football game. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two things we have. -- The Best of Will Rogers @@ -34096,9 +34178,6 @@ My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go back and dig her up. % - "My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?" - "Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo." -% My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU. @@ -34629,6 +34708,8 @@ Never look up when dragons fly overhead. Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful. % +Never miss a good chance to shut up. +% Never negotiate with the United States unless you have a nuclear weapon. -- Former deputy defense minister of India @@ -34691,6 +34772,8 @@ do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. -- Steinbach % +Never test the depth of the water with both feet. +% Never trust a child farther than you can throw it. % Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself. @@ -34786,10 +34869,6 @@ Newman's Discovery: Your best dreams may not come true; fortunately, neither will your worst dreams. % -Newspaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then -print the chaff. - -- Adlai Stevenson -% NEWS FLASH!! Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West German pole-vault champion. @@ -34801,6 +34880,10 @@ NEWSFLASH!! 1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down. It was. Age 31. % +Newspaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then +print the chaff. + -- Adlai Stevenson +% Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. % Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: @@ -35399,17 +35482,6 @@ No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good intentions. He had money as well. -- Margaret Thatcher % -Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps. - -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter - -Coach: How's life treating you, Norm? -Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife. - -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's - -Coach: How's life, Norm? -Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach. - -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants -% Norm: Hey, everybody. All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.] Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.] @@ -35427,6 +35499,17 @@ Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better. -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone % +Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps. + -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter + +Coach: How's life treating you, Norm? +Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife. + -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's + +Coach: How's life, Norm? +Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach. + -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants +% [Norm comes in with an attractive woman.] Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera? @@ -36255,6 +36338,9 @@ Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts -- it's what you do with what you have left. -- Hubert H. Humphrey % +Oh no my dear, I'm a very good man. I'm just a very bad wizard. + -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz" +% Oh, so there you are! % Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea. @@ -36266,6 +36352,12 @@ He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is. -- Gaius Valerius Catullus % +Oh wad some power the giftie gie us +To see oursel's as others see us! +It wad frae monie a blunder free us, +And foolish notion. + -- Robert Burns, National Poet of Scotland, 1759-1796 +% Oh wearisome condition of humanity! Born under one law, to another bound. -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke @@ -37176,6 +37268,13 @@ with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious. % +Optimist: + Someone who goes down to the marriage + bureau to see if his license has expired. +% +Optimist, n: + A bagpiper with a beeper. +% Optimist, n.: A proponent of the belief that black is white. @@ -37187,13 +37286,6 @@ would justify them." something -- the mortality of the optimist." -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -Optimist: - Someone who goes down to the marriage - bureau to see if his license has expired. -% -Optimist, n: - A bagpiper with a beeper. -% Optimization hinders evolution. % Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail. @@ -37538,11 +37630,6 @@ PARTY: A gathering where you meet people who drink so much you can't even remember their names. % -Pascal, n.: - A programming language named after a man who would turn over - in his grave if he knew about it. - -- Datamation, January 15, 1984 -% Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty. -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan % @@ -37552,6 +37639,11 @@ Pascal is not a high-level language. Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat. -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340 % +Pascal, n.: + A programming language named after a man who would turn over + in his grave if he knew about it. + -- Datamation, January 15, 1984 +% Pascal Users: The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol. Please modify your programs accordingly. @@ -37608,6 +37700,9 @@ patent: Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue. -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers % +Patience is long forgotten by convenience in this life. + -- Carmen Caicedo Giraudy +% Patience is the best remedy for every trouble. -- Titus Maccius Plautus % @@ -37626,9 +37721,6 @@ he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform. Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel. -- Boies Penrose % -Patience is long forgotten by convenience in this life. - -- Carmen Caicedo Giraudy -% Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious. -- Oscar Wilde % @@ -38539,14 +38631,14 @@ Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. Praise the sea; on shore remain. -- John Florio % +Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. + -- Russian Proverb +% Pray, v: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. - -- Russian Proverb -% Predestination was doomed from the start. % Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future. @@ -38819,6 +38911,12 @@ Pryor's Observation: How long you live has nothing to do with how long you are going to be dead. % +PS: This message is not intended to supply the minimum +daily requirement of serious thought. Consult your doctor +or pharmacist, but not the one that just sent you electronic +junk mail or promises to make explicit drugs fast. + -- taken from Norman Wilson's .sig +% Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it. % @@ -38983,6 +39081,9 @@ A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn. Q: How did the regular expression cross the road? A: ^.*$ % +Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? +A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. +% Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it! @@ -39071,6 +39172,12 @@ A: The door won't shut. Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator? A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway. % +Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? +A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb + itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective + reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a + maudlin cosmos of nothingness. +% Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. We'll fix it in software. @@ -39155,6 +39262,9 @@ A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb? A: I'll have to get back to you on that. % +Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? +A: One and a half. +% Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. % @@ -39213,6 +39323,10 @@ A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One. % +Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? +A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out + of the way. +% Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus? A: 2 bits. % @@ -39227,6 +39341,20 @@ Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?" A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little bottles into the typewriter. % +Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. + What should I do? +A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on + believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably + be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. + No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if + somebody else has made the correction. + + And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're + the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have + to inform the whole net right away! + -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions + on Netiquette" +% Q: What did one regular expression say to the other? A: .+ % @@ -39332,6 +39460,10 @@ Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female sheep bites you? A: Ewe nicks. % +Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international + standard? +A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand! +% Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? A: An offer you can't understand. % @@ -39415,6 +39547,9 @@ A: Nothing. Q: What regular expression do you often see around Christmas? A: [^L] % +Q: What's a light-year? +A: One-third less calories than a regular year. +% Q: What's black and white and red all over? A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight. % @@ -39459,6 +39594,12 @@ A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision. Q. What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt? A. Yogurt has a living, active culture. % +Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin? +A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time. +% +Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic? +A: The Titanic had a band. +% Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous? A: A canary with the super-user password. % @@ -39510,6 +39651,9 @@ A: Because he left a residue at every pole. Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance? A: Because that was her name. % +Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? +A: Because it was on the other side. +% Q: Why did the WASP cross the road? A: To get to the middle. % @@ -39572,52 +39716,6 @@ A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away. Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned? A: It wasn't IBM compatible. % -Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? -A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. -% -Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb - itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective - reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a - maudlin cosmos of nothingness. -% -Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: One and a half. -% -Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? -A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out - of the way. -% -Q: What's a light-year? -A: One-third less calories than a regular year. -% -Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? -A: Because it was on the other side. -% -Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. - What should I do? -A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on - believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably - be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. - No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if - somebody else has made the correction. - - And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're - the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have - to inform the whole net right away! - -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions - on Netiquette" -% -Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international - standard? -A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand! -% -Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin? -A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time. -% -Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic? -A: The Titanic had a band. -% QED. % QOTD: @@ -39627,6 +39725,10 @@ QOTD: "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5." % QOTD: + "A lack of advanced planning on your part does not constitute + an emergency on my part." +% +QOTD: "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem." % QOTD: @@ -39651,6 +39753,10 @@ QOTD: I go to work." % QOTD: + "Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now + too late to punish." +% +QOTD: "Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to save the earth!" % @@ -39687,6 +39793,11 @@ QOTD: "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby." % QOTD: + "I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down, + then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble.'" + -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash +% +QOTD: "I love your outfit, does it come in your size?" % QOTD: @@ -39732,6 +39843,10 @@ QOTD: "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass." % QOTD: + "I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..." + -- Kathy Ireland +% +QOTD: "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the dog for dinner." % @@ -39789,6 +39904,9 @@ QOTD: hands in his own pockets." % QOTD: + "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing." +% +QOTD: "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out." % QOTD: @@ -39869,12 +39987,18 @@ QOTD: "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty." % QOTD: + "On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there." +% +QOTD: "Our parents were never our age." % QOTD: "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies." % QOTD: + "Sacred cows make great hamburgers." +% +QOTD: "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis shoes on you and run you into the wall?" % @@ -39909,6 +40033,10 @@ QOTD: the snakes have gone away." % QOTD: + "The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the + gerbil has more dark meat." +% +QOTD: "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking." % QOTD: @@ -39950,36 +40078,6 @@ QOTD: QOTD: "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth." % -QOTD: - "Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now - too late to punish." -% -QOTD: - "I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down, - then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble.'" - -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash -% -QOTD: - "I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..." - -- Kathy Ireland -% -QOTD: - "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing." -% -QOTD: - "A lack of advanced planning on your part does not constitute - an emergency on my part." -% -QOTD: - "On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there." -% -QOTD: - "Sacred cows make great hamburgers." -% -QOTD: - "The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the - gerbil has more dark meat." -% Quack! Quack!! Quack!! % @@ -40089,6 +40187,26 @@ Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking. Rascal, am I? Take THAT! -- Errol Flynn % +Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer) + +Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose? +Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers? +Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties? +Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy? +Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick? +Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen + or so pencils from marking the cloth? +Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name? +Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do? +Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow? +Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose? + +0-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood. +3-5 -- There is hope for you yet. +6-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City. +8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril. +11+ -- Does suicide seem attractive? +% Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it @@ -40967,6 +41085,16 @@ Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into uncharted waters here. -- Sally Forth % +Sam: What's going on, Normie? +Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in + it, and I'll blow out my liver. + -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone + +Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin? +Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut. + Found him every couple of blocks. + -- Cheers, Head Over Hill +% Sam: What do you know there, Norm? Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me? -- Cheers, Loverboyd @@ -41008,16 +41136,6 @@ Sam: Still pouring, Norm? Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing. -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare % -Sam: What's going on, Normie? -Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in - it, and I'll blow out my liver. - -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone - -Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin? -Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut. - Found him every couple of blocks. - -- Cheers, Head Over Hill -% Sam: What's new, Norm? Norm: Most of my wife. -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One @@ -41739,10 +41857,6 @@ She often gave herself very good advice She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'. -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance % - She said, "I know you ... you cannot sing." - I said, "That's nothing, you should hear me play piano." - -- Morrisey -% She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you. Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored women the world would be a different place, I can tell you. @@ -42303,13 +42417,6 @@ He knows if you've been bad or good, He has ties with the CIA. So... % - "So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might -want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime." - "Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David." - "Friday, then?" - "Why not, David, it might even be fun." - -- Dating in Minnesota -% So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal @@ -42388,6 +42495,8 @@ Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk. -- Thoreau % +Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. +% Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit. % Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke. @@ -43373,9 +43482,6 @@ Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too. -- Richard M. Nixon % - "Surely you can't be serious." - "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley." -% Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average. % Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit! @@ -43706,12 +43812,6 @@ Technicality, n.: affirm the death of the cook, that being only an inference. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -Teeth for meat is in mouth -Teeth for human is in soul. -Win one with your body strength -Win many with your mind strength - -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan -% Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw @@ -43728,6 +43828,12 @@ Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means for going backwards. -- Aldous Huxley % +Teeth for meat is in mouth +Teeth for human is in soul. +Win one with your body strength +Win many with your mind strength + -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan +% Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to. -- Geoffrey Chaucer % @@ -43914,6 +44020,11 @@ That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver. % That does not compute. % +...that FC loop thing sucks. +So I decided to stick to my good old philosophy: "if it has tits, +wheels or FC loops it will give you problem!" + -- storage engineer on the virtues of FC-AL +% That feeling just came over me. -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler" % @@ -44013,12 +44124,6 @@ That's where the money was. It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night. -- Willie Sutton % -The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. - "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked. - "Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely, -"and go on till you come to the end: then stop." - -- Lewis Carroll -% The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8. -- R. B. Greenberg % @@ -46270,10 +46375,6 @@ Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight. good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's still in." % - "The jig's up, Elman." - "Which jig?" - -- Jeff Elman -% The Junior God now heads the roll In the list of heaven's peers; He sits in the House of High Control, @@ -46866,6 +46967,15 @@ The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation. -- Lew Mammel, Jr. % +The Microsoft Exchange MTA Stacks service depends on the Microsoft Exchange +System Attendant service which failed to start because of the following +error: + +The operation completed successfully. + +For more information, see Help and Support Center at +http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/events.asp. +% The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't. % The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another @@ -47834,12 +47944,6 @@ The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not engineers. % - "The pyramid is opening!" - "Which one?" - "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" - -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At - Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" -% The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's: "My brain is paged out to my liver" % @@ -48968,6 +49072,12 @@ The weed of crime bears bitter fruit... but the leaves are good to smoke! -- The Shadow % +The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. + "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked. + "Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely, +"and go on till you come to the end: then stop." + -- Lewis Carroll +% The white race is the cancer of history. -- Susan Sontag % @@ -49333,11 +49443,6 @@ to the "W" on the dial. Moral: He who has a Tates is lost! % - "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?" - "NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?" - "I'll put `maybe.'" - -- Bloom County -% Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner. -- Elbert Hubbard @@ -49663,6 +49768,8 @@ We don't believe this to be a coincidence. There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't. % +There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. +% There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before marriage and after marriage. % @@ -49960,6 +50067,10 @@ armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom. -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923 % +There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years +the dirt doesn't get any worse. + -- Quentin Crisp +% There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox. -- George Francis Gillette % @@ -51516,6 +51627,11 @@ oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete. To add insult to injury. -- Phaedrus % +To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are +to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and +servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public." + -- Theodore Roosevelt +% To any truly impartial person, it would be obvious that I am always right. % @@ -51685,12 +51801,12 @@ To err is human, to forgive, infrequent. To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy. -- MIT Assassination Club % -To err is human, two curs canine. -To err is human, to moo bovine. -% To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish. -- Benjamin Franklin % +To err is human, two curs canine. +To err is human, to moo bovine. +% To err is human. To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human. % @@ -52668,11 +52784,6 @@ leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts coughing and drops dead. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" % - "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" - "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to -food, right?" - -- MacNelley, "Shoe" -% Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it. @@ -53138,12 +53249,6 @@ TAX-DEFERRED! VUJA DE: The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before. % -Oh wad some power the giftie gie us -To see oursel's as others see us! -It wad frae monie a blunder free us, -And foolish notion. - -- Robert Burns, National Poet of Scotland, 1759-1796 -% Wagner's music is better than it sounds. -- Mark Twain % @@ -53291,8 +53396,6 @@ Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best. -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time" % -Washington, D.C: Wasting your money since 1810. -% Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality. % Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. @@ -53302,6 +53405,8 @@ Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. the people -- the big, the bland and the banal. -- Ada Louise Huxtable % +Washington, D.C: Wasting your money since 1810. +% Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing? % @@ -53985,6 +54090,14 @@ creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & in the end a summer with wild winds & new friends will be. % +We will not be responsible for damage to equipment, your ego, county wide +power outages, spontaneously generated mini (or larger) black holes, +planetary disruptions, or personal injury or worse that may result from the +use of this material. + -- taken from Samuel M. Goldwasser's + Sam's Strobe FAQ Notes on the Troubleshooting + and Repair of Electronic Flash Units and Strobe Lights +% We wish you a Hare Krishna We wish you a Hare Krishna We wish you a Hare Krishna @@ -54253,11 +54366,6 @@ And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early. % Well thaaaaaaat's okay. % - "Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?" - "Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ... -coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero." - -- Dr. Who -% Well, the handwriting is on the floor. -- Joe E. Lewis % @@ -54464,12 +54572,6 @@ What an author likes to write most is his signature on the back of a cheque. -- Brendan Francis % - "What are we going to do?" - "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking -for something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a -short initiation period." - -- Maddie and David, "Moonlighting" -% What awful irony is this? We are as gods, but know it not. % @@ -55340,15 +55442,6 @@ like my grandfather. not screaming, like the passengers in his car... % - "When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the -assembled bar patrons. A loud general cheer went up. After downing his -whiskey, he hopped onto a barstool and shouted "When I take another -drink, *everybody* takes another drink!" The announcement produced -another cheer and another round of drinks. - As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back -onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto -the bar, "*everybody* pays!" -% When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket and a willingness to compromise. -- Weber cartoon caption @@ -55627,6 +55720,11 @@ she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind it less and less." -- Louise Andrews Kent % +When operating the diopter adjustment knob with your eye to the view- +finder, be careful not to put your fingers or fingernails in your eye. + -- found in the users manual of the Nikon D2x camera, + a camera for professional photographers +% When Oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U. The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points And Oxygen still had none @@ -56931,11 +57029,6 @@ Hundred billion castaways looking for a call. WOLF: A man who knows all the ankles. % -Woman, n.: - An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and - having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?" Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated." % @@ -56946,6 +57039,11 @@ Woman is generally so bad that the difference between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists. -- Tolstoy % +Woman, n.: + An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and + having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk. Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly. I shall be sober in the morning. @@ -57991,10 +58089,6 @@ I like that in a person. % You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep. % - "You are *so* lovely." - "Yes." - "Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess." -% You are standing on my toes. % You are taking yourself far too seriously. @@ -58032,10 +58126,6 @@ because of your extreme stupidity. % You auto buy now. % - "You boys lookin' for trouble?" - "Sure. Whaddya got?" - -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones" -% You buttered your bread, now lie in it! % You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the @@ -59677,96 +59767,3 @@ since I first called my brother's father dad. Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense. % -When operating the diopter adjustment knob with your eye to the view- -finder, be careful not to put your fingers or fingernails in your eye. - -- found in the users manual of the Nikon D2x camera, - a camera for professional photographers -% -beachhead: -In marketing: a small piece of a market over which you gain control and -from which you go out to control other pieces of the market. -In war: where soldiers die. -% -...that FC loop thing sucks. -So I decided to stick to my good old philosophy: "if it has tits, -wheels or FC loops it will give you problem!" - -- storage engineer on the virtues of FC-AL -% -Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention -of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but -rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, -and loudly proclaiming --WOW---What A RIDE!! -% -To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are -to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and -servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public." - -- Theodore Roosevelt -% -PS: This message is not intended to supply the minimum -daily requirement of serious thought. Consult your doctor -or pharmacist, but not the one that just sent you electronic -junk mail or promises to make explicit drugs fast. - -- taken from Norman Wilson's .sig -% -A life lived in fear is a life half lived. -% -We will not be responsible for damage to equipment, your ego, county wide -power outages, spontaneously generated mini (or larger) black holes, -planetary disruptions, or personal injury or worse that may result from the -use of this material. - -- taken from Samuel M. Goldwasser's - Sam's Strobe FAQ Notes on the Troubleshooting - and Repair of Electronic Flash Units and Strobe Lights -% -The Microsoft Exchange MTA Stacks service depends on the Microsoft Exchange -System Attendant service which failed to start because of the following -error: - -The operation completed successfully. - -For more information, see Help and Support Center at -http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/events.asp. -% -Any sufficiently simple directive can be obfuscated beyond reason -given proper legal counsel. - -- Alfred Perlstein -% -David Sarnoff, 1964: "The computer will become the hub of a vast network of -remote data stations and information banks feeding into the machine at -a transmission rate of a billion or more bits of information a -second. Laser channels will vastly increase both data capacity and the -speeds with which it will be transmitted. Eventually, a global -communications network handling voice, data and facsimile will -instantly link man to machine--or machine to machine--by land, air, -underwater, and space circuits. [The computer] will affect man's -ways of thinking, his means of education, his relationship to his physical -and social environment, and it will alter his ways of living... -[Before the end of this century, these forces] will coalesce into what -unquestionably will become the greatest adventure of the human mind." - -- Eugene Lyons, "David Sarnoff" 1966 -% -Never test the depth of the water with both feet. -% -Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. -That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have -their shoes. -% -If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. -% -Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, -and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. -% -If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was -probably worth it. -% -Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. -% -There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. -% -Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. -% -Never miss a good chance to shut up. -% -Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. - -- Arthur C. Clarke -% |
