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1 files changed, 182 insertions, 183 deletions
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o index f4ef14b..06001f9 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o @@ -604,6 +604,11 @@ remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common." % + "And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, +as he came upon his wife in bed with another man. The wife turned and +smiled at her companion. + "See?" she said. "I told you he was stupid!" +% "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the posh hotel. @@ -631,6 +636,25 @@ immersible for easy cleaning. SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely textured for a realistic effect. Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and limited graphics capability. Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries. % + At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table +to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee." "And +if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's +unhesitating retort. + -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon +% + At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time +stand-up guy. + Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client. +He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong +path. Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison +sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted. + Then the judge turned to Sperling. "Mr. Sperling, is there anything +you wish to say?" + "Yes, Your Honor. If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've +got another think coming. You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers, +you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..." + -- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game" +% Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young executive appeared at a local health resort. Looking over the several weight @@ -681,6 +705,12 @@ see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him. "What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king. "My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!" % + "Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee, +"I want to confess some affairs that I've had in the past." + "But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man +replied. + "Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago." +% Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best friend asked him how it went. "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second @@ -690,6 +720,17 @@ last night, nothing!" "Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?" "Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?" % + Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at +the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of +Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the +upcoming conference in Yalta. At the appointed hour, the President was +wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister +had not finished bathing. Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion +and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room +stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are +you staring at, homo?" + -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon +% Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock, a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition, @@ -698,17 +739,10 @@ himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up your ass, you ugly cunt." -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon % - When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to -the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if -you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and -your play can go fuck yourselves." - -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon -% - At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table -to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee." "And -if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's -unhesitating retort. - -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon + "Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social- +studies text, "what did you do during the sexual revolution?" + "Well, son," his father confided, "I guess you could say I was +captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes." % "Daddy?" "Yes son." @@ -748,6 +782,13 @@ ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert, and you... uh... don't have all the..." "Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" % + Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly +pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening +sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing +more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand +on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning +out of the car. "Run for your life!" +% During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost @@ -895,6 +936,14 @@ differences once and for all. When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" % + Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the +Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular +story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was +roused by his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the +house." + "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate +maybe, but not in the House." +% Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home from the club to an irate, ranting wife. "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You @@ -1016,12 +1065,29 @@ bricks." "Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't hear the stereo." % + "I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown +bear grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun. He picked it up +and stuck it in my back." + "What did you do?" + "What *could* I do? I married his daughter." +% I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, "What'll you have, Bud"? I said," I don't know, surprise me". So he showed me a nude picture of my wife. -- Rodney Dangerfield % + "I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor +business ain't doin' too well. I ain't sold one all month. + "You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied. "The other day, I went +out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she +always does. So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters. When I sat +down again, she kicked me like she always does. So I tied her leg to the +side of the stall. When I started to sit down again, I could see her taking +aim with her other leg, so I tied it to the other side of the stall. And I'll +tell you what," he continued with a sigh, "if you can convince my wife I was +gonna *milk* that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!" +% "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me. I'm on my way." @@ -1092,6 +1158,17 @@ Oyster Bar. A real dive. But I knew the owner. He used to play for the Dolphins. I said "Hi, Gil!" You have to yell -- he's hard of herring. -- Kip Addotta, "Wet Dream" % + It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a +romantic haze. "Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last. +It's all like a wonderful dream!" + Her husband didn't answer. A few moments passed. She sighed again +and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true." + Still no response from her spouse. Another pause and another +sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your +wife." + "Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied, +you will!" +% It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the American were talking about love over some dry Martinis. "Deed you know, sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different @@ -1184,6 +1261,10 @@ therapy ask if people have had therapy. Assume that she bought them at a flea market. -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan % + "Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work!" + "Why do you think I CAME here?" + "Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure." +% Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many times a job applicant has had the clap. @@ -1361,6 +1442,13 @@ Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol. semicolon. -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma" % + Rosenberg wanted to leave the country. "And what is *your* +reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office. + "I am told a pogrom is being prepared. Against the Jews and +the barbers," replies Rosenberg. + "Why the barbers?" + "Everybody asks that question. That's why I want to leave." +% Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old has been waiting for him. Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?" @@ -1384,21 +1472,6 @@ stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she doesn't deserve to have any." % - Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly -pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening -sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing -more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand -on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning -out of the car. "Run for your life!" -% - Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the -Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular -story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was -roused by his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the -house." - "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate -maybe, but not in the House." -% Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence. Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his @@ -1418,29 +1491,19 @@ statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, then wryly commented, "Suck my dick." -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon % - While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was -asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers. - "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a -whimsical smile, "They're assholes." - -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon -% - Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at -the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of -Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the -upcoming conference in Yalta. At the appointed hour, the President was -wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister -had not finished bathing. Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion -and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room -stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are -you staring at, homo?" - -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon -% "Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of coffee?" "Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!", answered the gentleman, rather shortly. "I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny." % + So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope. +"Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two Polacks +who --" + "My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish." + The salesman thought for a moment. "That's okay, Father," he +said. "I'll tell it very slowly." +% "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. @@ -1865,6 +1928,23 @@ the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham." Their son looked up, surprised. "WHOAH! Dad be gettin' hip! How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?" % + When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to +the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if +you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and +your play can go fuck yourselves." + -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon +% + "Where'd she get those crow's feet?" + "You really want to know?" + "Yeah." + "From squinting and screaming, "Suck what!?" +% + While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was +asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers. + "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a +whimsical smile, "They're assholes." + -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon +% While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to pay her passage back to France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting @@ -2560,9 +2640,6 @@ another erection!" "Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of course, have to be someone else's." % -A man is only as old as the woman he feels. - -- Groucho Marx -% A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno. By the roadside he sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up. As the man gets into his car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car. @@ -2596,6 +2673,9 @@ anything to show my gratitude." that holds up his ragged pants. "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash and take that damn dog for a walk!" % +A man is only as old as the woman he feels. + -- Groucho Marx +% A man is playing golf at a very exclusive country club when he hits a hole- in-one. As he takes his ball from the cup, a genie appears. "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What @@ -3714,11 +3794,6 @@ And she said, with a tear in her eye, And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought he was melting... % - "And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, -as he came upon his wife in bed with another man. The wife turned and -smiled at her companion. - "See?" she said. "I told you he was stupid!" -% Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send out photographs of their families every year. In the same mail that brought the greetings from Marcia and Philip, my friend found such a conversation piece. @@ -3974,12 +4049,6 @@ Bedfellows make strange politicians. beef stroganoff, n: A bull masturbating. % - "Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee, -"I want to confess some affairs that I've had in the past." - "But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man -replied. - "Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago." -% Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" @@ -4515,11 +4584,6 @@ Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness. % Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back. % - "Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social- -studies text, "what did you do during the sexual revolution?" - "Well, son," his father confided, "I guess you could say I was -captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes." -% Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true, Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw? I really must beg your pardon, @@ -4545,24 +4609,6 @@ from Avis again. axe used in three murders being found in the trunk of his rented car. % -If you guys have a beef with her, that's her problem. Don't lay it on -me. The old lady has to take care of her own weight. - -- Herbie Sperling, convicted heroin dealer, on being - arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house. -% - At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time -stand-up guy. - Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client. -He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong -path. Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison -sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted. - Then the judge turned to Sperling. "Mr. Sperling, is there anything -you wish to say?" - "Yes, Your Honor. If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've -got another think coming. You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers, -you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..." - -- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game" -% Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention. % date; talk; touch; unzip; finger; expand; strip; head; mount; yes; yes; yes; @@ -4766,6 +4812,10 @@ Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!! % Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse. % +Don't see 'em this big out here, do they? + -- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters + in a public toilet during a tour of the Far East +% Down by the old model T, Where she first showed it to me. It was furry and black, @@ -6562,6 +6612,12 @@ But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!" % I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty. % +I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket. + -- Lyndon B. Johnson + +I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket. + -- Lyndon B. Johnson +% I once had the wife of a Dean Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'. She remarked with some gaiety, @@ -6637,12 +6693,6 @@ dam by ourselves! But do they call me `Dimitri the dam builder?' Hell, no!" that house? I built that for my wife with my own two hands! But do they call me `Dimitri the home builder'? No! But just one little sheep!" % - "I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown -bear grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun. He picked it up -and stuck it in my back." - "What did you do?" - "What *could* I do? I married his daughter." -% I went to a wild party last night. I tell ya, it was so wild, we played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one of them had V.D. @@ -6703,7 +6753,6 @@ Then leave it out at Moose Grin Hall With our cousin who's deranged ... -- National Lampoon, to an old Coke commercial % -% I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young man as its logo. -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy" @@ -6809,6 +6858,11 @@ And you can't afford paper at all, However forlorn, There is always the lavat'ry wall. % +If you guys have a beef with her, that's her problem. Don't lay it on +me. The old lady has to take care of her own weight. + -- Herbie Sperling, convicted heroin dealer, on being + arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house. +% If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish. -- Lenny Bruce % @@ -6869,17 +6923,6 @@ Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure, Toujours ouverte la porte, Encore, et encore, et encore. % - "I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor -business ain't doin' too well. I ain't sold one all month. - "You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied. "The other day, I went -out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she -always does. So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters. When I sat -down again, she kicked me like she always does. So I tied her leg to the -side of the stall. When I started to sit down again, I could see her taking -aim with her other leg, so I tied it to the other side of the stall. And I'll -tell you what," he continued with a sigh, "if you can convince my wife I was -gonna *milk* that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!" -% I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year. -- Rodney Dangerfield % @@ -7314,17 +7357,6 @@ you," he said to a fourth mouse, "what did you think?" "To tell you the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs; I'm a tit mouse myself." % - It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a -romantic haze. "Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last. -It's all like a wonderful dream!" - Her husband didn't answer. A few moments passed. She sighed again -and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true." - Still no response from her spouse. Another pause and another -sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your -wife." - "Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied, -you will!" -% It was his third marriage and her fourth. He was quite surprised when on their honeymoon she pleaded, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "Darling, what do you mean you're still a virgin? You've been @@ -7475,16 +7507,6 @@ I couldn't ask for more, She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed, And owns a liquor store. % -I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket. - -- Lyndon B. Johnson - -I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket. - -- Lyndon B. Johnson -% -Don't see 'em this big out here, do they? - -- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters - in a public toilet during a tour of the Far East -% Jack an Jill went up the hill. Jill went down, Jack came. @@ -8151,6 +8173,12 @@ Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's testicles for a bet... God, that bloody sheep kicked him! -- Ripping Yarns % +Miss Mona: You know what burns my ass? +Ed Earl: What? +Miss Mona: A flame about three feet high! + -- Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds, + "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas" +% Missed the train at the railway station Oh hell, blast, and damnation! Asked a lady in there if she had the time, @@ -8358,10 +8386,6 @@ Negotiate my ass, let's kill something! Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane. -- Gordon Cooper % - "Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work!" - "Why do you think I CAME here?" - "Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure." -% Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds. % New book out from Gary Hart; "Six Inches from the White House". @@ -9380,6 +9404,9 @@ A: Your bicycle. Q: What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common? A: They both like a tight seal. % +Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night? +A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog. +% Q: What do elephants use instead of tampons? A: Sheep. Well, they used to, anyway. There have been so many cases of Toxic Flock Syndrome recently that their ewes has been discouraged. @@ -9527,6 +9554,9 @@ A: Nothing, except Fairy Tales start off with "Once upon a time". [I thought Fairy Tales started off, "Honey, I'm gonna be at the office a little late, tonight... Ed.] % +Q: What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up? +A: Age. +% Q: What's the difference between a JAP and a baby elephant? A: About 10 pounds. @@ -9542,6 +9572,9 @@ A: The weekend never comes too soon. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a fast car? A: Not everyone's been in a fast car. % +Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? +A: The taste. +% Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky? A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole bird. @@ -9554,11 +9587,22 @@ A: One always told the truth, one always lied, and one can't tell the Q: What's the difference between hard and dark? A: It stays dark all night. % +Q: What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"? +A: About three inches. +% Q: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's? A: In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers, "and some cigarettes." % +Q: What's the difference between VMS and PMS? + +A1: PMS is only a problem for some people. +A2: PMS is only a problem for part of the month. +A3: The drugstore has remedies for PMS. +A4: People with PMS get sympathy. +A5: People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX. +% Q: What's the last thing that goes through a grasshopper's mind when he hits your windshield? A: His ass. @@ -9601,6 +9645,12 @@ Q: Why did Ted Kennedy report the accident 8 hours after Mary Jo Kopechne drowned? A: Do you have any idea how hard it is to dress a woman underwater? % +Q: Why did the epileptic cross the road? +A: He couldn't help it. + +Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub? +A: Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent. +% Q: Why do dogs lick their private parts? A: Because they can. % @@ -9610,6 +9660,12 @@ A: To stamp out forest fires. Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? A: To stamp out flaming ducks. % +Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet? +A: So they can jump into trees and rape mice. + +Q: What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse? +A: BOING!! BOING!! BOING!! +% Q: Why do men die before their wives? A: They want to. % @@ -9658,38 +9714,6 @@ Q: Why was Cinderella banished from the Magic Kingdom? A: For sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Tell the truth! Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!" % -Q: What's the difference between VMS and PMS? - -A1: PMS is only a problem for some people. -A2: PMS is only a problem for part of the month. -A3: The drugstore has remedies for PMS. -A4: People with PMS get sympathy. -A5: People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX. -% -Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night? -A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog. -% -Q: What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up? -A: Age. -% -Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? -A: The taste. -% -Q: What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"? -A: About three inches. -% -Q: Why did the epileptic cross the road? -A: He couldn't help it. - -Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub? -A: Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent. -% -Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet? -A: So they can jump into trees and rape mice. - -Q: What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse? -A: BOING!! BOING!! BOING!! -% QOTD: "... was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort-of Sun-God robes, on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming @@ -9944,15 +9968,11 @@ In Ireland, in Lebanon, in Palestine, in Berkeley, Patty Hearst... heard the burst... of Roland's Thompson gun, and bought it. -- Warren Zevon, "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner" % - Rosenberg wanted to leave the country. "And what is *your* -reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office. - "I am told a pogrom is being prepared. Against the Jews and -the barbers," replies Rosenberg. - "Why the barbers?" - "Everybody asks that question. That's why I want to leave." -% Roses on your piano isn't nearly as good as tulips on your organ. % +Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler. + -- Zero Mostel +% Rugby is a game played by men with peculiarly shaped balls. % rugby, n: @@ -10520,13 +10540,6 @@ staggering in early the next morning. "Four dollars and ten cents," he said. "Who gave you the ten cents?" "Everybody," she said. % - So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope. -"Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two Polacks -who --" - "My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish." - The salesman thought for a moment. "That's okay, Father," he -said. "I'll tell it very slowly." -% So you fucked up... you trusted us! -- Animal House % @@ -13212,11 +13225,6 @@ And now I have an erection all the time. Whenever someone tells you to "take it like a man" it usually means up your ass. % - "Where'd she get those crow's feet?" - "You really want to know?" - "Yeah." - "From squinting and screaming, "Suck what!?" -% Which of the following doesn't belong? a. meat b. eggs @@ -13405,12 +13413,6 @@ You know the Norplant thing? It's a new birth control device for women. It's a cartridge, that goes in your arm. Well, they're coming out with a new one for men: it's a brain, that goes in your head. % -Miss Mona: You know what burns my ass? -Ed Earl: What? -Miss Mona: A flame about three feet high! - -- Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds, - "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas" -% You might get caught holding the bag. Say she's your sister. % You pedophiliac sodomizer of ducklings!! @@ -13494,6 +13496,3 @@ To a couple of truckers from Erie P.A., Zippity doo dah, zippity ay. -- John Valby % -Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler. - -- Zero Mostel -% |
