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Diffstat (limited to 'games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real')
| -rw-r--r-- | games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real | 358 |
1 files changed, 177 insertions, 181 deletions
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real index 5c89363..3078315 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real @@ -57,7 +57,7 @@ Now it even hurts to take a piss. Oh why did I get syphilis? Why'd she have VD? I don't know, she wouldn't say. -I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday .... +I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ... -- To the tune of "Yesterday" % My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things] @@ -111,7 +111,7 @@ Testicles, testicles, said Daddy. A man gets tired of testicles. % ... But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, -and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat.... +and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ... Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to the front of the bus." @@ -201,7 +201,7 @@ you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?" % A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion. - "This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick. But I think + "This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick. But I think you can take him. Remember, though, like I've told you before, don't let him get you in the Pretzel hold. With his strength you'd never get out." The American leaps onto the mat, and within moments the two behemoths @@ -215,7 +215,7 @@ scream and the two wrestlers fly apart, the American regaining control and pinning the Russian. After the match, in the dressing room, the coach finally gets the winner alone. "Great job! But how the hell did you get out of the Pretzel Hold? I thought it was over for sure!" - "Well, I did too. I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw + "Well, I did too. I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes. I figured what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could. Coach, you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!" @@ -663,13 +663,6 @@ posh hotel. "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me a postcard?" % - As we know, there are known knowns. There are things we know we -know. We also know there are known unknowns. That is to say, we know -there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown -unknowns; the ones we don't know we don't know. - -- United States Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld - 12 February 2002, Regarding the US invasion of Iraq -% "Are pirates an ethnic group? Or are they just people who burn illegal cds?" "Arrrr! We prefer to be called Buccaneer-Americans." @@ -693,6 +686,13 @@ immersible for easy cleaning. SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely textured for a realistic effect. Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and limited graphics capability. Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries. % + As we know, there are known knowns. There are things we know we +know. We also know there are known unknowns. That is to say, we know +there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown +unknowns; the ones we don't know we don't know. + -- United States Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld + 12 February 2002, Regarding the US invasion of Iraq +% At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee." "And if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's @@ -812,7 +812,7 @@ captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes." "Wha-wha-wha-what does regret mean?" "Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done. And by -the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell her, +the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would you be sure and tell her, `SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'" -- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf" % @@ -1194,7 +1194,7 @@ man. Mud-as-man alone could speak. "Certainly," said man. "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God. And He went away. - -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu" + -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu" % In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So @@ -1742,14 +1742,14 @@ I use the tongs." the week. As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at the door. "Please come in! We're very grateful for your years of service to us and our neighborhood. I've prepared something special for you." - In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where + In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch. After dumping his letter satchel on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal. As the mailman finished his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from leaving and disappears upstairs. She returns in a moment, in a daring negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate farewell is consummated between the sheets. - As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand, + As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand, pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him. Reacting to his astonished look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that we should do something for you. He said 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar!'" @@ -1793,12 +1793,12 @@ did to us?" The Split-Atom Blues Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, - Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline.... + Gimme jeans by Calvin Klein ... But if you split those atoms fine, Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! Gimme zits, take my dough, - Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll.... + Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ... Call the devil and sell my soul, But Mama keep dem atoms whole! -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County" @@ -2089,7 +2089,7 @@ three days." % We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit -lightheaded; maybe you should drive...." And suddenly there was a terrible +lightheaded; maybe you should drive ..." And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was @@ -2244,7 +2244,7 @@ obscure such reality. -- Steve Allen % ... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half, -and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps.... +and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ... % ... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the @@ -2332,7 +2332,7 @@ your balls. 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can. 4. You don't have to let a beer win. 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to - sleep with a beer, too. + sleep with it, too. 6. A beer helps with the housework. 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra. 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it. @@ -2714,9 +2714,9 @@ fought, we noticed 2 more Fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more Fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle". At this second and third mention of `Fokkers' the class was almost laughing openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain -to the class that a 'Fokkers' was a particular type of plane flown by the +to the class that a `Fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the German Air Force. - He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these Fokkers were Messerschmidts". + He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these Fokkers were Messerschmitts." % A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which they hoped would prove to be the missing link. The proof of their theory, @@ -3231,7 +3231,7 @@ by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males. % A nuclear family is out golfing one day, when it becomes clear that Dad isn't going to win any trophies, at least on this course. On the 3rd hole, after -two miserable bogies, he misses a two foot put and exclaims, "Shit!" +two miserable bogies, he misses a two foot putt and exclaims, "Shit!" His wife glances over at their sixteen year old daughter and says nothing. On the fourth hole Dad tees off with an incredible hook, and, after @@ -3591,7 +3591,7 @@ A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without love, without virtue, without sex. - -- Balzac + -- Honore de Balzac % A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot. -- Pancho Villa @@ -3658,9 +3658,10 @@ received a telegram from their sister. It read: I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it. I was amused when the shower went cold five minutes after it started. But I'm - going to kill whoever put the novacaine into the KY jelly... + going to kill whoever put the novocaine into the KY jelly... % -A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive. +A.A.A.A.A., n.: + An organization for drunks who drive. % Aboard the good ship Venus, The cabin boy, the captain's joy, The mast it was a penis, A cunning little nipper, @@ -3837,7 +3838,7 @@ down." "Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm". Maybe this explains the popularity of this field of study in computer science. % -alimony, n: +Alimony, n.: Having an ex you can bank on. % All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm @@ -3930,7 +3931,7 @@ willing that either the history of the content of religion should be taught in this spirit; while those to whom the scientific standpoint is not merely a technical device, but is the embodiment of the integrity of mind, must protest against its being taught in any other spirit. - -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908 + -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools" (1908) % Alright, yes, date, and shop, and hang out, and go to school ... and save the world from unspeakable demons. You know, I want to do girlie @@ -3967,7 +3968,7 @@ main may!'" Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy. % -ambition, n: +Ambition, n.: An ant crawling up an elephant's leg with rape on his mind. % America ... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesman @@ -4153,7 +4154,7 @@ open. "What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?" % And prively he caughte hire by the queynte, And heeld hire harde by the haunche-bones. - --Geoffrey Chaucer, The Miller's Tale + -- Geoffrey Chaucer, "The Miller's Tale" % And so it goes. It is humiliating, when you should know better, to become victim of the timeless story of the little brown dog running across the @@ -4214,7 +4215,7 @@ daiquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come in and kick your ass?" The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo -thurstay...." +thurstay ..." Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the @@ -4284,7 +4285,7 @@ be childless. The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless, a separation. - -- Lord Chesterfield, letter to his son, 1763 + -- Lord Chesterfield, letter to his son (1763) % As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out? Even if it @@ -4466,7 +4467,7 @@ Unless you get a good percentage of her price ... % Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks! % -Beauty, n: +Beauty, n.: The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % @@ -4489,7 +4490,7 @@ we are part of the women's liberation movement. % Bedfellows make strange politicians. % -beef stroganoff, n: +Beef stroganoff, n.: A bull masturbating. % Behold the unborn fetus and @@ -4631,7 +4632,7 @@ campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on Brother Jim, who suffered a broken rib and numerous small bruises, in addition to the usual humiliation. % -brunette bush, n: +Brunette bush, n.: The dark side of the moon. % Buffy: Am I repulsive? If there was something repulsive about me, you'd @@ -4662,7 +4663,7 @@ Xander: Yay. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Prom" Season 3, Episode 20 % -bug, n: +Bug, n.: A son of a glitch. % Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, @@ -4709,7 +4710,7 @@ California is proud to be the home of the freeway. % Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus... % -callgirl, n: +Callgirl, n.: A negotiable blond. % Camille's Axiom: @@ -4877,7 +4878,7 @@ G's Third Law: is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. H's Dictum: - There is no magic.... + There is no magic... % Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the @@ -4886,7 +4887,7 @@ contrary. % Cleveland still lives. God MUST be dead. % -clitoris, n: +Clitoris, n.: A haired trigger. % CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range) @@ -4921,7 +4922,7 @@ Cocaine: using tomorrow's energy today. Cocaine's a joke! (Who's got the next line?) % -cock-sucker, n: +Cock-sucker, n.: Someone who got caught doing what you got away with. % Coffee without caffeine. Beer without alcohol. Milk without fat. @@ -4930,7 +4931,7 @@ What's next? Bridal suites with bunk beds? % Coito ergo sum % -coitus interruptus, n: +Coitus interruptus, n.: A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner) "I want to have your child." % @@ -4948,15 +4949,12 @@ And eliminates all the palaver. COLD: When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. % -cold, adj: +Cold, adj.: When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant. % College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you'd never come. % -College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, -and nine months later you wish you'd never come. -% Come along and sing a song and join our family. B & D S & M @@ -5005,7 +5003,7 @@ Communists do it without class. % Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion. % -computerfirm nymphomaniac, n: +Computerfirm nymphomaniac, n.: Hot Apple pie. % Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears. @@ -5078,7 +5076,7 @@ BEDLAM: CHAOS: Four women plus one luncheon check. % -confusion, n: +Confusion, n.: Father's Day in San Francisco. % Conservative, n.: @@ -5090,10 +5088,10 @@ Conserve energy -- make love more slowly. CONSULTANT: Someone who knows 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date. % -continental breakfast, n: +Continental breakfast, n.: A roll in bed with some honey. % -Coors, n: +Coors, n.: Like making love in a canoe -- fucking close to water. % Copa-ulation: @@ -5135,14 +5133,14 @@ If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it. Cox's philosophy: Life's a bitch, then you die. % -coyote love, n: +Coyote love, n.: Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you chew off your arm at the shoulder. -coyote ugly, adj: +Coyote ugly, adj.: When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for a one-armed man! @@ -5159,7 +5157,7 @@ to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any general understanding of science as an enterprise? -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer" % -crew, n: +Crew, n.: Eight big men and their cute little cox. % Cried Miss Pratt: "What are you staring at? @@ -5247,7 +5245,7 @@ Dear Abby: I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously. I think she's the one for me. There's just one problem: I can't remember from our first date if she told me she had TB or VD. What should I do? - --Confused + -- Confused Dear Confused: If she coughs, fuck her. @@ -5329,10 +5327,10 @@ of her husband with his penis inside the pencil sharpener on the counter. % Dial 911. Make a cop come. % -diaphragm, n: +Diaphragm, n.: A childproof cap. % -dicker, v: +Dicker, v.: What you do to your wife if arguing doesn't work. % Did Detroit invent the back seat to destroy the morals of America? @@ -5410,7 +5408,7 @@ UP PERISCOPE!!! (Ooops, sorry, wrong fantasy.) % -divorce, n: +Divorce, n.: A change of wife. % Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? @@ -5439,7 +5437,7 @@ very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. -- Dick Brandon % Does he treat your breasts like unripe grapefruit? Who needs him? - -- `J', "The Sensuous Woman" + -- J, "The Sensuous Woman" % Does it rape elephants? -- Brent Byer @@ -5518,7 +5516,7 @@ say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, 'Eat it raw, fuzz nuts.'" -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon % -dyke, n: +Dyke, n.: A woman who kick-starts her vibrator. And rolls her own tampons. % @@ -5572,7 +5570,7 @@ Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man: (11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it. % -embarrassment, n: +Embarrassment, n.: Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap. % Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant @@ -5580,7 +5578,7 @@ professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a male schlemiel. -- Ewald Nyquist % -Erogenous zone, n: +Erogenous zone, n.: The skin you touch to love. % Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz, @@ -5589,7 +5587,7 @@ Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz. Ich hore Mann kommen." "Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz." % -eternity, n: +Eternity, n.: The length of time between when you come and he leaves. % Ethnologists up with the Sioux @@ -5680,7 +5678,7 @@ do with ones time. Like lie in the sun and sleep. Or go exploring the world. Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex. -- Ellyn Mustard % -exotic dancer, n: +Exotic dancer, n.: A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time. % Exuberant Sue from Anjou @@ -5694,7 +5692,7 @@ Buffy: It didn't suck. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Bad Girls" Season 3, Episode 14 % -falsie salesman, n: +Falsie salesman, n.: Fuller bust man. % Famous last words: @@ -5729,17 +5727,17 @@ Shrieks and screams were heard from Grandma He had chased her up a tree! (chorus) % -felt tip, v: +Felt tip, v.: Past tense for a breast examination! % Female ballet dancers are the bravest girls around. Who else would take a flying leap into the arms of a homosexual and expect to be caught? -- Rita Rudner % -female, n: +Female, n.: Life support system for a pussy. % -Feminism, n: +Feminism, n.: A political position which seeks to rebuild society so that both men and women are treated as women wish to be treated. % @@ -5801,7 +5799,7 @@ He's so neat, he's so cool, Walks across my swimming pool. Has anybody... % -Flirt, n: +Flirt, n.: A girl whose favorite man is the next one. % Floating idly one day through the air, @@ -5844,7 +5842,7 @@ to the heads of unfaithful men. I brought forth destruction and chaos for the pleasure of the lower beings. I was feared and worshiped across the mortal globe. And now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High. A mortal. A child ... and I'm flunking math. - -- Anya, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Dopplegangland" + -- Anya, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Doppelgangland" Season 3, Episode 16 % For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all. @@ -6130,13 +6128,13 @@ It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it. It turns your spine to fucking jell, It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it. % -fuck-me-pumps, n: +Fuck-me pumps, n.: Stiletto heels of a certain length, usually black patent leather. The proper designation is "throw-me-down-and-fuck-me" pumps. Shoes with heels just high enough to let the frayed tip of a bullwhip trail around them properly. % -fuckoff, n: +Fuckoff, n.: The tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant. % Gardeners do it in raised beds. @@ -6198,7 +6196,7 @@ I'm too hot, too hot for you. I'm the queen of babes supreme, But you'll only see me in you dreams. "Well? What'd she say??" I'm too hot, too hot for you. "Well, she didn't say no..." - -- Barry and the Bookbinders, "The Worst She Can Say is No" + -- Barry and the Bookbinders, "The Worst She Can Say is No" % GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!! % @@ -6428,7 +6426,7 @@ or they will stick you in the dock, and you won't come back. -- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life" % -good scout, n: +Good scout, n.: Someone who knows the lay of the land and will take you to her. % Gorbachev woke up early one morning, and felt great. He walked over to his @@ -6475,7 +6473,7 @@ Gross, adj.: When your grandmother kisses you goodnight and slips you some tongue. % -Gynecologist, n: +Gynecologist, n.: Someone who spends their time spreading old wives' tails. % HACKER: @@ -6498,7 +6496,7 @@ Haggis, n.: considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or other animal are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled in maw in the sheep's -intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute.... +intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute ... % Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half are about penis size. And what I want to know is, if all you're doing @@ -6519,7 +6517,7 @@ Handy hint: % Hang gliders come down very slowly. % -Hangover, n: +Hangover, n.: The burden of proof. % HAPPINESS: @@ -7146,7 +7144,7 @@ And when he did, he dropped stone dead, 'Cause the blasted thing had a left-hand thread! % Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther -King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed: +King, Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed: * Governmental offices * Post offices @@ -7269,7 +7267,7 @@ in jeopardy, why, I'd never have lit one! HONOR: Almost as good as in 'er. % -horny, adj: +Horny, adj.: When your cock gets hard if the wind blows. % Horsecrap, little brother. There's always something more to be done. @@ -7323,13 +7321,13 @@ bush, shoot more often and *always* eat what they shoot. % Hypocrisy is the Vaseline of social intercourse. % -hypocrite, n: +Hypocrite, n.: A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy. % I am an atheist, thank God! % I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it -once was ... an arctic wilderness +once was ... an arctic wilderness. -- Steve Martin % I bet you think you're pretty cool driving around without auto insurance. @@ -7350,7 +7348,7 @@ I've reached the point where I might do *anything* to stop the war. We'll just slip the word to them that "For God's sake, you know, Nixon is obsessed about Communism. We can't restrain him when he's angry -- and he has his hand on the nuclear button." - -- Richard Nixon + -- Richard M. Nixon % I came; I saw; I fucked up. % @@ -7406,13 +7404,12 @@ I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get those reindeer off my roof. % I don't discriminate on the basis of sex. -- Bisexuality, 101 - [An equal opportunity lover? Ed.] % I don't give a shit what happens. I want you all to stonewall it. Let them plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up, or anything else if it'll save the plan. - -- Richard Nixon + -- Richard M. Nixon % I don't know why women get so upset, they have half the money and all the pussy. @@ -7530,7 +7527,7 @@ By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do. % I know what you're up to, you white-feathered fiend! Go release your bowels on some lesser personage! - -- W.C. Fields, upon seeing a bird overhead + -- W. C. Fields, upon seeing a bird overhead % I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire -- God wouldn't trust an Englishman in the dark. @@ -7589,7 +7586,6 @@ But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed." % I only date queers. -- Bisexuality, 101 - [I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is! Ed.] % I own my own body, but I share. @@ -7672,7 +7668,7 @@ I was 15 years old before I found out that "damn yankee" was two words. % I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama. I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts. - -- Firesign Theatre + -- The Firesign Theatre % I was having sex just the other night, but she hung up. % @@ -7680,12 +7676,12 @@ I was on vacation in Greece last summer, and was being driven round an island by a Greek cab-driver. He was a friendly man, and as we drove, he told me about various historic and scenic places he had been involved with. "See the entrance to that church over there? I built that with my -two sons. But do they call me `Dimitri the church builder'? Do they hell!" +two sons. But do they call me `Dimitri the church builder?' Do they hell!" As we passed a dam, he said, "See that dam? Four of us built that dam by ourselves! But do they call me `Dimitri the dam builder?' Hell, no!" As we passed a beautiful cottage, Dimitri started up again -- "See that house? I built that for my wife with my own two hands! But do they -call me `Dimitri the home builder'? No! But just one little sheep!" +call me `Dimitri the home builder?' No! But just one little sheep!" % I went to a wild party last night. I tell ya, it was so wild, we played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one @@ -7949,7 +7945,7 @@ Will be hailed by all as miraculous! % If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw. - -- W.C. Fields + -- W. C. Fields % If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic abstinence and complete continence; (you know, rhythm and blues). @@ -8082,10 +8078,10 @@ girlfriend's name. Yeah, I went down to the hall of records. I said, "I'd like to change it... I'd like to change it to... LYING LITTLE BITCH!" -- Sam Kinison % -I'm unbuttoning your shirt, unzipping your jeans.... +I'm unbuttoning your shirt, unzipping your jeans ... Oh, I can feel your fingers on the keys, baby, - I'm getting WARM.... + I'm getting WARM ... I am getting there, oh yes,. Oh, my. OH YES... OHHHH! ...!!!rrrrrgh!!!!! @@ -8110,7 +8106,7 @@ Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed; A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed! -- Monty Python, "The Philosopher's Drinking Song" % -impotent loser, n: +Impotent loser, n.: Someone who can't even get his hopes up. % In 1953, Stalin dies. The politburo holds a special meeting to decide @@ -8141,7 +8137,7 @@ Legette Hair Fastener Heat Bags; Lady O' Spain Self-Blinding Eye Shadow with Magic Puncture Pencil; Sanitary Napkin Rings in Little Miss, Moon Maid and Stuck Pig Strength; and deported Italian Napagel Balls for soaking or eating; and they're all slash-priced with the lady in mind... - -- Firesign Theatre + -- The Firesign Theatre % In days of old, when knights were bold, And rubbers weren't invented, @@ -8186,7 +8182,7 @@ And in peaceful submission I lay, My sweet little night gown of blue. % In my world, there are people in chains and we can ride them like ponies. - -- Evil Willow, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Dopplegangland" + -- Evil Willow, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Doppelgangland" Season 3, Episode 16 % In outer space, nobody can hear you fart. @@ -8242,7 +8238,7 @@ kissing him on the balls. Incest, n.: Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy. % -Infatuation, n: +Infatuation, n.: When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat. When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants. % @@ -8265,8 +8261,8 @@ Re: S. White Let it be noted that if she whistles that goddamned song one more time I'm gonna rip her fuckin' lips off. Have a nice day. % -Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time -someone writes `bible thumpers?' +Is it just me, or does anyone else read "bible humpers" every time +someone writes "bible thumpers?" -- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu % Isn't it odd that people who object to "foul" language are always the @@ -8791,14 +8787,14 @@ Knowledge Engineering: A combination of: -Engineering, n: +Engineering, n.: The application of science and mathematics by which the properties of matter and the sources of energy in nature are made useful to man in structures, machines, products, systems and processes. and -Knowledge, n: +Knowledge, n.: Sexual intercourse. See also: Prostitution, Grantsmanship. @@ -8822,10 +8818,10 @@ left a deep impression on him -- about how faithfully animals respond to intention movements, that is. -- The Sciences, May/June, 1988, N.Y. Academy of Science % -Kotex, n: +Kotex, n.: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best. % -Kumquat, n: +Kumquat, n.: Any of several small citrus fruits with sweet spongy rind and somewhat acidic pulp that are used chiefly for preserves. Extremely popular in some forms of sexual intercourse. In fact, @@ -8836,7 +8832,7 @@ Kumquat, n: Note: this is *not* to be confused with a warning from your partner that his/her parents are upstairs and probably awake. % -Labia majora, n: +Labia majora, n.: The curly gates. % Lady to Golf Pro: "I was stung by bees on your golf course!" @@ -8844,7 +8840,7 @@ Pro: "Ummm, well, where?" Lady: "Between the 1st and 2nd holes." Pro: "That's going to real tough to treat." % -lagnaf, n: +Lagnaf, n.: Let's All Get Naked And Fuck! % Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture, @@ -8860,7 +8856,7 @@ I was screwed, if you must know the truth." % Last week I saw a girl in a sweater so tight I could hardly breathe. % -lawyer, n: +Lawyer, n.: Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to "following too closely." % @@ -8968,7 +8964,7 @@ Lisp hackers ... have DEFUN while doing it. ... have Moby dicks. % -Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it).... +Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ... % Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper. % @@ -9069,7 +9065,7 @@ was because they wanted to make sure he was dead. -- Samuel Goldwyn % Love comes in spurts. - --Devo, "Please Please" + -- Devo, "Please Please" % Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit. % @@ -9091,18 +9087,18 @@ Love letters no longer they write us, To their homes they so seldom invite us. It grieves me to say, They have learned with dismay, -We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'. +We can't cure their "vulva pruritus." % -Luser, n: +Luser, n.: Someone who picks up a female hitch-hiker walking home from a date. % Ma Bell runs a baudy house. % -Macho, adj: +Macho, adj.: Jogging home from a vasectomy. % -Male, n: +Male, n.: Life support system for a cock. % Man in stall: @@ -9207,10 +9203,10 @@ Just look up Mary's ... Masturbation! The amazing availability of it! -- James Joyce % -masturbation, n: +Masturbation, n.: A self-service elevator. % -masturbation, n: +Masturbation, n.: Coming unscrewed. % Math is to physics like masturbation is to sex. @@ -9239,11 +9235,6 @@ May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow! Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer! % -Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city -nativity scene removed: - "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men -and a virgin in the whole organization." -% McCoy's a seducer galore, And of virgins he has quite a score. He tells them, "My dear, @@ -9258,7 +9249,7 @@ McQuillan was on the stand. The case involved a railroad and several of the passengers who were injured. "You say," thundered the counsel for the railroad, "that you saw the two trains crash head on while doing sixty miles an hour. What did you -think when you saw this happen ?" +think when you saw this happen?" "I thought," replied the Irishman, "this is one *helluva* way to run a railroad." % @@ -9318,7 +9309,7 @@ Everything they say, Men will fuck mud. -- Lenny Bruce % -menage a trois, n: +Menage a trois, n.: Using both hands to masturbate. % Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines @@ -9346,7 +9337,7 @@ views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from below. -- Dave Barry % -Meteorologist, n: +Meteorologist, n.: A man who can look in a woman's eyes and predict whether. % Mickey Mouse has a long talk one day with a psychiatrist, after which @@ -9385,10 +9376,10 @@ How does your garden grow? With silver bells and cockle shells, And one really fucked-up petunia. % -Mistress, n: +Mistress, n.: Something between a mister and a mattress. % -mixed emotions: +Mixed emotions: Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff... in your brand new Mercedes. % @@ -9581,19 +9572,19 @@ seems he's making it hard for everyone but her. % National Sex Week -- don't let your meat loaf. % -navel, n: +Navel, n.: A place to stash your gum on the way down. % Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows. Watch who you sleep with. % -necrophilia, n: +Necrophilia, n.: Dead boring. -incest, n: +Incest, n.: Relatively boring. % -necrophilia, n: +Necrophilia, n.: Dropping in for a cold one. % Negotiate my ass, let's kill something! @@ -9679,7 +9670,7 @@ Not everyone has a one-track mind. Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends. -- Woody Allen % -nothing, adj: +Nothing, adj.: A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose. % Nothing is better than Sex. @@ -10352,7 +10343,7 @@ OPTIMIST: ORAL CONTRACEPTIVE: The word "No". % -oral sex, n: +Oral sex, n.: The taste of things to come. % O'Riordan's Theorem: @@ -10384,7 +10375,7 @@ national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real. - -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957 + -- General Douglas MacArthur (1957) % Our readers ask, "Why don't more WASPs go to orgies?" Well, it's really quite simple. They don't want to have to write all those thank-you notes. @@ -10446,7 +10437,7 @@ the bill at the XXX South Trail Cinema featured: + Turn Up the Heat, starring Savannah + Tiger Shark, starring Raven % -penis envy, n: +Penis envy, n.: The desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long. % People humiliating a salami! @@ -10473,7 +10464,7 @@ When her summer turned out quite a bummer! % Persistence, like perspiration, is 99 percent of the fine art of love. % -Philadelphia flying fuck, n: +Philadelphia flying fuck, n.: Okay, see, he hangs from a chin-up bar with his feet on the arms of the rocking chair. She crouches in the rocking chair pleasuring him orally. @@ -10490,7 +10481,7 @@ Physicists do it with charm. Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he'll stay. % -pile driver, n: +Pile driver, n.: Local drink; two parts vodka, one part prune juice. % Planned Parenthood: @@ -10510,11 +10501,11 @@ If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. % -pocket pool, n: +Pocket pool, n.: Well, for guys, it's two-ball in the side pocket. For women, it's playing the slots. % -polish fly, n: +Polish fly, n.: You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling. % Politicians do it to everyone. @@ -10574,10 +10565,10 @@ Pregnancy -- the worst sexually transmitted disease of them all. % Pregnancy begins with a single sell. % -premature ejaculation, n: +Premature ejaculation, n.: A spoilspurt. % -premature ejaculator, n: +Premature ejaculator, n.: Troubled shooter. % Premenstrual Syndrome: @@ -10625,7 +10616,7 @@ both promise to make people feel better, but the prostitute doesn't make pretensions that the feelings will last once the client walks out the door. % -pubic hair, n: +Pubic hair, n.: Organic dental floss. % Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine, @@ -10715,7 +10706,7 @@ A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck % Q: How do you tell if an elephant has been making love in your backyard? -A: If all your trashcan liners are missing.... +A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ... % Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess? @@ -11087,7 +11078,7 @@ Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? A: Because a sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from fifty feet away. -- Iain MacKintosh, Glasgow folksinger % -Q: Why do WASPs play golf ? +Q: Why do WASPs play golf? A: So they can dress like pimps. % Q: Why do women have vaginas? @@ -11267,10 +11258,10 @@ weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be reached for comment, but we chose not to listen. -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" % -quickie, n: +Quickie, n.: A moment's piece. % -quickie, n: +Quickie, n.: No sooner spread than done. % QWERT (kwirt) n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth] 1. a unit of weight @@ -11287,7 +11278,7 @@ Lisa: Ralph... get off my back!! Randel, n.: A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology for farting at a friend. - -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure & + -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and Preposterous Words % Raquel Welch: 36-24-36 @@ -11329,19 +11320,19 @@ you'll never have to worry about those damn bats pestering the neighbors again. % Reagan can't _a_c_t, either. % -real buddy, n: +Real buddy, n.: Someone who'll go downtown and get two blowjobs, and come back and give you one. % -real class, adj: +Real class, adj.: When you're by yourself, fart, and say "Excuse me." % Real fur: the ultimate sadist symbol. % -Reformed, n: +Reformed, n.: A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays. % -rejection, n: +Rejection, n.: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. % Religion is fine, Churchianity sucks. @@ -11395,7 +11386,7 @@ phone number!" Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife. Sweet revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay. % -rodeo fuck, n: +Rodeo fuck, n.: When you lean down and whisper in your lover's ear, "Honey, you're the worst piece of ass I've ever had!". And then try to stay on for seven seconds... @@ -11435,7 +11426,7 @@ Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler. % Rugby is a game played by men with peculiarly shaped balls. % -rugby, n: +Rugby, n.: A sport requiring leather balls. % Rumour has it that the intrepid New Zealanders have finally discovered @@ -11745,7 +11736,7 @@ Let _P be a constant persuasion; "Let _V over _P be inverted With the square root of _M_u inserted - _N times into _V.... + _N times into _V ... The result, Q.E.D., Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. % @@ -11936,7 +11927,7 @@ production, protects a bunch of pricks and gives everyone a false sense of security while they're being screwed. % Self-abuse is the most certain road to the grave. - -- Dr. George M. Calhoun, 1855 + -- Dr. George M. Calhoun (1855) % SEMINARS: From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion. @@ -11957,7 +11948,7 @@ The shit has hit the fan. -- Warren Zevon % Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote. - -- Grover Cleveland, 1905 + -- Grover Cleveland (1905) % Sex and drugs and UNIX. % @@ -11996,7 +11987,7 @@ are unimportant. -- Henry Miller % Sex is the poor man's opera. - -- G. B. Shaw + -- George Bernard Shaw % Sex is what women have and men want. % @@ -12177,7 +12168,7 @@ Sixteen'll get you twenty. % Size counts. % -small, adj: +Small, adj.: Is it in yet? % Smoking a woman is like kissing a fish. @@ -12313,7 +12304,7 @@ Some women achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust into them. % Some women are like musical glasses. To keep them in tune they must be wet. - -- Samuel Coleridge + -- Samuel T. Coleridge % Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs. -- Noel Coward @@ -12376,7 +12367,7 @@ Stockmayer's Theorem: STRAPLESS EVENING GOWN: Bust truster. % -stress, n: +Stress, n.: The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it. @@ -12390,7 +12381,7 @@ Success has many fathers, but failure is a bastard. Success is like a fart -- only your own smells nice. -- James P. Hogan % -successful cunnilingus: +Successful cunnilingus, n.: When you wake up the next morning with a face like a frosted doughnut. % @@ -12418,7 +12409,7 @@ you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he forgets? % -swallow, v: +Swallow, v.: The (blew) bird of birth control. % Systems people do it with a small, but clean, interface. @@ -12461,11 +12452,11 @@ Teaching undergraduates is like herding sheep. And, like the old Basque sheepherder explained, whenever the livestock starts looking good to you, it's time to spend a night in town. % -tear leather: +Tear leather: To become excited, as in the sentence "Robin Hood tore his leather jerkin' off." % -tearing off a quicky: +Tearing off a quicky: Gunning the jump. % Teddy Kennedy: A Blond in Every Pond! @@ -12875,11 +12866,6 @@ the older woman pleaded. Reluctantly, he agreed. "I knew my daughter would have an explanation," she said, a note of triumph in her voice. "She didn't receive your telegram!" % -The Italian entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, "I Can't Get No -Contraception", has been withdrawn after the Pope advised them to -pull it out at the last minute. - -- Not the Nine O'Clock News -% The investment community feels very putupon. They feel there is no reason why they shouldn't earn $1 million to $200 million a year, and they don't want to be held responsible for the global financial @@ -12888,6 +12874,11 @@ meltdown. Barack Obama's financial-industry fundraising party 20 October 2009 % +The Italian entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, "I Can't Get No +Contraception", has been withdrawn after the Pope advised them to +pull it out at the last minute. + -- Not the Nine O'Clock News +% The king arranged a regal marriage for his daughter -- a bond that would unite two great kingdoms. Yet, because the young couple seemed so formal to each other, he posted a spy outside the royal wedding chamber and demanded a full @@ -13205,7 +13196,7 @@ prohibitive, and the position ridiculous. -- Disraeli, on sex % The plural of spouse is spice. - -- R.A. Heinlein + -- Robert A. Heinlein % The police were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of his 11th story office. His voluptuous private @@ -13557,7 +13548,7 @@ But had dribbled away all too soon. % The woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a great deal of money. The woman who gives herself takes all your time. - -- Balzac + -- Honore de Balzac % The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people @@ -13643,7 +13634,7 @@ There are a couple of things about her I greatly admire. There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong. What their contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to bomb a virgin building is terrific. - -- Commander Henry Urban Jr. + -- Commander Henry Urban, Jr. % There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists, Every sperm is sacred, there are Hindus and Mormons and then Every sperm is great, @@ -13935,6 +13926,11 @@ mind raced with fear "Will it stop?". Exhausted, he lay down beside her. burned as he stared for what seemed an eternity. Finally, his father spoke. "Son, you ain't supposed to milk the damn cow till mornin'!" % +They're just jealous because they don't have three +wise men and a virgin in the whole organization. + -- Mayor Vincent J. "Buddy" Cianci, on the + ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed. +% This Czech walks into police station in 1968 during the Fraternal Assistance. Czech: Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and took my Russian watch. @@ -14035,7 +14031,7 @@ This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah, Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah; - di-dah di-dah di-dah? + Di-dah di-dah di-dah? Di-dah di-dah di-dah. Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck. % @@ -14129,12 +14125,12 @@ the second woman. "Frankly," murmured the third woman, "I understand the situation, but I fail to see the problem." % -three-bag ugly, adj: +Three-bag ugly, adj.: That's when you put one bag over her head, one bag over your head in case her's falls off, and one over the dog's to keep it from howling. -four-bag ugly, adj: +Four-bag ugly, adj.: When you leave a bag by the door in case someone drops by. % Through a major bureaucratic error, you are made county coroner. @@ -14174,19 +14170,19 @@ Todays title: Tonight's piss is tomorrow's Tang. -- An American astronaut % -tourist, n: +Tourist, n.: A pretty girl in Oklahoma. % Tourist to New Yorker: "Pardon me, sir, do you know what time it is, or should I just go fuck myself?" % -transvestite, n: +Transvestite, n.: Someone who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary. % Tri Delts; everyone else has. % -trust me: +Trust me: Los Angeles for "Fuck you, your mother, and the horse she rode in on." % @@ -14529,10 +14525,10 @@ especially if special features and options are utilized. vacation;look;find;talk;grep;touch;finger;find;flex;unzip;mount;workbone; \ fsck;yes;gasp;fsck;yes;eject;umount;make clean;zip;split;done;exit % -vagina, n: +Vagina, n.: The box a penis comes in. % -vaginal lubricant, n: +Vaginal lubricant, n.: A slitty slicker. % Vandalism On The Upswing! @@ -14543,7 +14539,7 @@ Vandalism On The Upswing! % Vatican upholds ban on contraceptives: "To heir is humane," claims the Pope. % -Vd, n: +VD, n.: The gift that keeps on giving. % Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat" @@ -14634,7 +14630,7 @@ I need someone to protect But I'm not waiting on a lady -- Rolling Stones, "Waiting on a Friend" % Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it. - -- W.C. Fields + -- W. C. Fields % We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain @@ -14993,7 +14989,7 @@ Giles: Controlled circumstances. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Bad Girls" Season 3, Episode 14 % -wet dream, n: +Wet dream, n.: Overnight sensation. % We've all heard about the woman who married a Field Service engineer but @@ -15133,7 +15129,7 @@ Stand up, cop's wife cried, don't take him down, Rather be dead six feet in the ground. When you come home, you can eat pork and beans, I eats more chicken than any man's seen. - -- Willie Dixon, "Backdoor Man", 1961 + -- Willie Dixon, "Backdoor Man" (1961) % When God created man, She was only testing. % @@ -15167,7 +15163,7 @@ Give me a moron My father's out of Harvard With talented hands My brother's out of Yale I go bar-hopping Well the guy I took home last night And they say "Last call" Just got out of jail -I start shopping The way he grabbed and threw me +I start shopping The way he grabbed and threw me For a Neanderthal Oooo, it really got me hot But the way he growled and bit me The bigger they come I hoped he had his shots @@ -15393,7 +15389,7 @@ Winning isn't everything, but losing really sucks. With a bushel of apples, you can have a hell of a time with the doctor's wife. % -wok, n: +Wok, n.: Something to thwow at a wabbit. % Woman is: finally screwing and your groin and buttocks and thighs ache like @@ -15529,7 +15525,7 @@ You can't underestimate the power of fear. % You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to get back inside. - -- Heathcote Williams + -- Heathcote Williams % You have been bitchy since Tuesday and you'll probably get fired today. % |
