diff options
| author | cperciva <cperciva@FreeBSD.org> | 2015-10-02 10:08:11 +0000 |
|---|---|---|
| committer | cperciva <cperciva@FreeBSD.org> | 2015-10-02 10:08:11 +0000 |
| commit | 8cc71b38c27f2be8ba4c227078a51c63847a89de (patch) | |
| tree | 0bbcb3f392def57bae56978c0da09362f7d6b426 /games | |
| parent | 0c2e89c50542aa374d776ce0787b4a06e0de1be2 (diff) | |
| download | FreeBSD-src-8cc71b38c27f2be8ba4c227078a51c63847a89de.zip FreeBSD-src-8cc71b38c27f2be8ba4c227078a51c63847a89de.tar.gz | |
Final step of eliminating the "games" distribution: Merge src/games
(or what's left of it, at least) into src/usr.bin.
This change will not be MFCed.
Discussed at: EuroBSDCon 2014
Committed from: EuroBSDCon 2015
Diffstat (limited to 'games')
80 files changed, 0 insertions, 82737 deletions
diff --git a/games/Makefile b/games/Makefile deleted file mode 100644 index 4a3da52..0000000 --- a/games/Makefile +++ /dev/null @@ -1,21 +0,0 @@ -# $FreeBSD$ - -.include <src.opts.mk> - -SUBDIR= \ - caesar \ - factor \ - fortune \ - grdc \ - morse \ - number \ - pom \ - primes \ - random \ - ${_tests} - -.if ${MK_TESTS} != "no" -_tests= tests -.endif - -.include <bsd.subdir.mk> diff --git a/games/Makefile.inc b/games/Makefile.inc deleted file mode 100644 index 40525f8..0000000 --- a/games/Makefile.inc +++ /dev/null @@ -1,6 +0,0 @@ -# @(#)Makefile.inc 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93 -# $FreeBSD$ - -BINDIR?= /usr/bin -FILESDIR?= ${SHAREDIR}/games -WARNS?= 6 diff --git a/games/caesar/Makefile b/games/caesar/Makefile deleted file mode 100644 index 88b79ee..0000000 --- a/games/caesar/Makefile +++ /dev/null @@ -1,11 +0,0 @@ -# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93 -# $FreeBSD$ - -PROG= caesar -DPADD= ${LIBM} -LDADD= -lm -SCRIPTS=rot13.sh -MAN= caesar.6 -MLINKS= caesar.6 rot13.6 - -.include <bsd.prog.mk> diff --git a/games/caesar/Makefile.depend b/games/caesar/Makefile.depend deleted file mode 100644 index c9f9d52..0000000 --- a/games/caesar/Makefile.depend +++ /dev/null @@ -1,19 +0,0 @@ -# $FreeBSD$ -# Autogenerated - do NOT edit! - -DIRDEPS = \ - gnu/lib/csu \ - gnu/lib/libgcc \ - include \ - include/xlocale \ - lib/${CSU_DIR} \ - lib/libc \ - lib/libcompiler_rt \ - lib/msun \ - - -.include <dirdeps.mk> - -.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR} -# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree -.endif diff --git a/games/caesar/caesar.6 b/games/caesar/caesar.6 deleted file mode 100644 index 91e9af8..0000000 --- a/games/caesar/caesar.6 +++ /dev/null @@ -1,73 +0,0 @@ -.\" Copyright (c) 1989, 1991, 1993 -.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. -.\" -.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without -.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions -.\" are met: -.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright -.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. -.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright -.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the -.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. -.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors -.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software -.\" without specific prior written permission. -.\" -.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND -.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE -.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE -.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE -.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL -.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS -.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) -.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT -.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY -.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF -.\" SUCH DAMAGE. -.\" -.\" @(#)caesar.6 8.2 (Berkeley) 11/16/93 -.\" $FreeBSD$ -.\" -.Dd November 16, 1993 -.Dt CAESAR 6 -.Os -.Sh NAME -.Nm caesar , rot13 -.Nd decrypt caesar ciphers -.Sh SYNOPSIS -.Nm -.Op Ar rotation -.Nm rot13 -.Sh DESCRIPTION -The -.Nm -utility attempts to decrypt caesar ciphers using English letter frequency -statistics. -.Nm Caesar -reads from the standard input and writes to the standard output. -.Pp -The optional numerical argument -.Ar rotation -may be used to specify a specific rotation value. -If invoked as -.Nm rot13 , -a rotation value of 13 will be used. -.Pp -The frequency (from most common to least) of English letters is as follows: -.Bd -ragged -offset indent -ETAONRISHDLFCMUGPYWBVKXJQZ -.Ed -.Pp -Their frequencies as a percentage are as follows: -.Bd -ragged -offset indent -E(13), T(10.5), A(8.1), O(7.9), N(7.1), R(6.8), I(6.3), S(6.1), H(5.2), -D(3.8), L(3.4), F(2.9), C(2.7), M(2.5), U(2.4), G(2), -P(1.9), Y(1.9), -W(1.5), B(1.4), V(.9), K(.4), X(.15), J(.13), Q(.11), Z(.07). -.Ed -.Pp -Rotated postings to -.Tn USENET -and some of the databases used by the -.Xr fortune 6 -program are rotated by 13 characters. diff --git a/games/caesar/caesar.c b/games/caesar/caesar.c deleted file mode 100644 index b1f9920..0000000 --- a/games/caesar/caesar.c +++ /dev/null @@ -1,159 +0,0 @@ -/* - * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993 - * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. - * - * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by - * Rick Adams. - * - * Authors: - * Stan King, John Eldridge, based on algorithm suggested by - * Bob Morris - * 29-Sep-82 - * - * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without - * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions - * are met: - * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. - * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the - * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. - * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors - * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software - * without specific prior written permission. - * - * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND - * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE - * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE - * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE - * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL - * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS - * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) - * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT - * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY - * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF - * SUCH DAMAGE. - */ - -#if 0 -#ifndef lint -static const char copyright[] = -"@(#) Copyright (c) 1989, 1993\n\ - The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n"; -#endif /* not lint */ - -#ifndef lint -static const char sccsid[] = "@(#)caesar.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93"; -#endif /* not lint */ -#endif -#include <sys/cdefs.h> -__FBSDID("$FreeBSD$"); - -#include <errno.h> -#include <math.h> -#include <stdio.h> -#include <stdlib.h> -#include <string.h> -#include <ctype.h> -#include <unistd.h> - -#define LINELENGTH 2048 -#define ROTATE(ch, perm) \ - isascii(ch) ? ( \ - isupper(ch) ? ('A' + (ch - 'A' + perm) % 26) : \ - islower(ch) ? ('a' + (ch - 'a' + perm) % 26) : ch) : ch - -/* - * letter frequencies (taken from some unix(tm) documentation) - * (unix is a trademark of Bell Laboratories) - */ -static double stdf[26] = { - 7.97, 1.35, 3.61, 4.78, 12.37, 2.01, 1.46, 4.49, 6.39, 0.04, - 0.42, 3.81, 2.69, 5.92, 6.96, 2.91, 0.08, 6.63, 8.77, 9.68, - 2.62, 0.81, 1.88, 0.23, 2.07, 0.06, -}; - -static void printit(char *); - -int -main(int argc, char **argv) -{ - int ch, dot, i, nread, winnerdot = 0; - char *inbuf; - int obs[26], try, winner; - - if (argc > 1) - printit(argv[1]); - - if (!(inbuf = malloc((size_t)LINELENGTH))) { - (void)fprintf(stderr, "caesar: out of memory.\n"); - exit(1); - } - - /* adjust frequency table to weight low probs REAL low */ - for (i = 0; i < 26; ++i) - stdf[i] = log(stdf[i]) + log(26.0 / 100.0); - - /* zero out observation table */ - bzero(obs, 26 * sizeof(int)); - - if ((nread = read(STDIN_FILENO, inbuf, (size_t)LINELENGTH)) < 0) { - (void)fprintf(stderr, "caesar: %s\n", strerror(errno)); - exit(1); - } - for (i = nread; i--;) { - ch = (unsigned char) inbuf[i]; - if (isascii(ch)) { - if (islower(ch)) - ++obs[ch - 'a']; - else if (isupper(ch)) - ++obs[ch - 'A']; - } - } - - /* - * now "dot" the freqs with the observed letter freqs - * and keep track of best fit - */ - for (try = winner = 0; try < 26; ++try) { /* += 13) { */ - dot = 0; - for (i = 0; i < 26; i++) - dot += obs[i] * stdf[(i + try) % 26]; - /* initialize winning score */ - if (try == 0) - winnerdot = dot; - if (dot > winnerdot) { - /* got a new winner! */ - winner = try; - winnerdot = dot; - } - } - - for (;;) { - for (i = 0; i < nread; ++i) { - ch = (unsigned char) inbuf[i]; - putchar(ROTATE(ch, winner)); - } - if (nread < LINELENGTH) - break; - if ((nread = read(STDIN_FILENO, inbuf, (size_t)LINELENGTH)) < 0) { - (void)fprintf(stderr, "caesar: %s\n", strerror(errno)); - exit(1); - } - } - exit(0); -} - -static void -printit(char *arg) -{ - int ch, rot; - - if ((rot = atoi(arg)) < 0) { - (void)fprintf(stderr, "caesar: bad rotation value.\n"); - exit(1); - } - while ((ch = getchar()) != EOF) - putchar(ROTATE(ch, rot)); - exit(0); -} diff --git a/games/caesar/rot13.sh b/games/caesar/rot13.sh deleted file mode 100644 index 7dcef74..0000000 --- a/games/caesar/rot13.sh +++ /dev/null @@ -1,33 +0,0 @@ -#!/bin/sh - -# -# Copyright (c) 1992, 1993 -# The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. -# -# Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without -# modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions -# are met: -# 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright -# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. -# 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright -# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the -# documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. -# 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors -# may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software -# without specific prior written permission. -# -# THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND -# ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE -# IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE -# ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE -# FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL -# DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS -# OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) -# HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT -# LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY -# OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF -# SUCH DAMAGE. -# -# @(#)rot13.sh 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93 -# $FreeBSD$ - -exec /usr/bin/caesar 13 "$@" diff --git a/games/factor/Makefile b/games/factor/Makefile deleted file mode 100644 index afc9510..0000000 --- a/games/factor/Makefile +++ /dev/null @@ -1,20 +0,0 @@ -# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93 -# $FreeBSD$ - -.include <src.opts.mk> - -PROG= factor -SRCS= factor.c pr_tbl.c -CFLAGS+=-I${.CURDIR}/../primes - -.if ${MK_OPENSSL} != "no" -CFLAGS+=-DHAVE_OPENSSL -DPADD= ${LIBCRYPTO} -LDADD= -lcrypto -.endif - -MAN= factor.6 -MLINKS+=factor.6 primes.6 -.PATH: ${.CURDIR}/../primes - -.include <bsd.prog.mk> diff --git a/games/factor/Makefile.depend b/games/factor/Makefile.depend deleted file mode 100644 index fc0b633..0000000 --- a/games/factor/Makefile.depend +++ /dev/null @@ -1,19 +0,0 @@ -# $FreeBSD$ -# Autogenerated - do NOT edit! - -DIRDEPS = \ - gnu/lib/csu \ - gnu/lib/libgcc \ - include \ - include/xlocale \ - lib/${CSU_DIR} \ - lib/libc \ - lib/libcompiler_rt \ - secure/lib/libcrypto \ - - -.include <dirdeps.mk> - -.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR} -# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree -.endif diff --git a/games/factor/factor.6 b/games/factor/factor.6 deleted file mode 100644 index ba82f14..0000000 --- a/games/factor/factor.6 +++ /dev/null @@ -1,127 +0,0 @@ -.\" Copyright (c) 1989, 1993 -.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. -.\" -.\" This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by -.\" Landon Curt Noll. -.\" -.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without -.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions -.\" are met: -.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright -.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. -.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright -.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the -.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. -.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors -.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software -.\" without specific prior written permission. -.\" -.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND -.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE -.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE -.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE -.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL -.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS -.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) -.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT -.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY -.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF -.\" SUCH DAMAGE. -.\" -.\" @(#)factor.6 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93 -.\" -.\" $FreeBSD$ -.\" -.\" By: Landon Curt Noll chongo@toad.com, ...!{sun,tolsoft}!hoptoad!chongo -.\" -.\" chongo <for a good prime call: 391581 * 2^216193 - 1> /\oo/\ -.\" -.Dd October 10, 2002 -.Dt FACTOR 6 -.Os -.Sh NAME -.Nm factor , primes -.Nd factor a number, generate primes -.Sh SYNOPSIS -.Nm -.Op Fl h -.Op Ar number ... -.Nm primes -.Op Fl h -.Op Ar start Op Ar stop -.Sh DESCRIPTION -The -.Nm -utility will factor positive integers. -When a number is factored, it is printed, followed by a -.Ql \&: , -and the list of factors on a single line. -Factors are listed in ascending order, and are preceded by a space. -If a factor divides a value more than once, it will be printed more than once. -.Pp -When -.Nm -is invoked with one or more arguments, each argument will be factored. -.Pp -When -.Nm -is invoked with no arguments, -.Nm -reads numbers, one per line, from standard input, until end of file or error. -Leading white-space and empty lines are ignored. -Numbers may be preceded by a single -.Ql + . -Numbers are terminated by a non-digit character (such as a newline). -After a number is read, it is factored. -.Pp -The -.Nm primes -utility prints primes in ascending order, one per line, starting at or above -.Ar start -and continuing until, but not including -.Ar stop . -The -.Ar start -value must be at least 0 and not greater than -.Ar stop . -The -.Ar stop -value must not be greater than the maximum. -The default and maximum value of -.Ar stop -is 3825123056546413050. -.Pp -When the -.Nm primes -utility is invoked with no arguments, -.Ar start -is read from standard input and -.Ar stop -is taken to be the maximum. -The -.Ar start -value may be preceded by a single -.Ql + . -The -.Ar start -value is terminated by a non-digit character (such as a newline). -.Sh DIAGNOSTICS -.Bl -diag -.It "negative numbers aren't permitted" -.It "illegal numeric format" -.It "start value must be less than stop value" -.It "Result too large" -.El -.Sh BUGS -.Nm -cannot handle the -.Dq "10 most wanted" -factor list, -.Nm primes -will not get you a world record. -.Pp -.Nm primes -is unable to list primes between 3825123056546413050 and 18446744073709551615 -since it relies on strong pseudoprime tests after sieving, and nobody has -proven how many strong pseudoprime tests are required to prove primality for -integers larger than 3825123056546413050. diff --git a/games/factor/factor.c b/games/factor/factor.c deleted file mode 100644 index 19fe830..0000000 --- a/games/factor/factor.c +++ /dev/null @@ -1,374 +0,0 @@ -/* - * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993 - * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. - * - * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by - * Landon Curt Noll. - * - * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without - * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions - * are met: - * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. - * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the - * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. - * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors - * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software - * without specific prior written permission. - * - * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND - * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE - * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE - * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE - * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL - * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS - * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) - * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT - * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY - * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF - * SUCH DAMAGE. - */ - -#ifndef lint -#include <sys/cdefs.h> -#ifdef __COPYRIGHT -__COPYRIGHT("@(#) Copyright (c) 1989, 1993\ - The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved."); -#endif -#ifdef __SCCSID -__SCCSID("@(#)factor.c 8.4 (Berkeley) 5/4/95"); -#endif -#ifdef __RCSID -__RCSID("$NetBSD: factor.c,v 1.19 2009/08/12 05:54:31 dholland Exp $"); -#endif -#ifdef __FBSDID -__FBSDID("$FreeBSD$"); -#endif -#endif /* not lint */ - -/* - * factor - factor a number into primes - * - * By: Landon Curt Noll chongo@toad.com, ...!{sun,tolsoft}!hoptoad!chongo - * - * chongo <for a good prime call: 391581 * 2^216193 - 1> /\oo/\ - * - * usage: - * factor [-h] [number] ... - * - * The form of the output is: - * - * number: factor1 factor1 factor2 factor3 factor3 factor3 ... - * - * where factor1 <= factor2 <= factor3 <= ... - * - * If no args are given, the list of numbers are read from stdin. - */ - -#include <ctype.h> -#include <err.h> -#include <errno.h> -#include <inttypes.h> -#include <limits.h> -#include <stdio.h> -#include <stdlib.h> -#include <unistd.h> - -#include "primes.h" - -#ifdef HAVE_OPENSSL - -#include <openssl/bn.h> - -#define PRIME_CHECKS 5 - -static void pollard_pminus1(BIGNUM *); /* print factors for big numbers */ - -#else - -typedef ubig BIGNUM; -typedef u_long BN_ULONG; - -#define BN_CTX int -#define BN_CTX_new() NULL -#define BN_new() ((BIGNUM *)calloc(sizeof(BIGNUM), 1)) -#define BN_is_zero(v) (*(v) == 0) -#define BN_is_one(v) (*(v) == 1) -#define BN_mod_word(a, b) (*(a) % (b)) - -static int BN_dec2bn(BIGNUM **a, const char *str); -static int BN_hex2bn(BIGNUM **a, const char *str); -static BN_ULONG BN_div_word(BIGNUM *, BN_ULONG); -static void BN_print_fp(FILE *, const BIGNUM *); - -#endif - -static void BN_print_dec_fp(FILE *, const BIGNUM *); - -static void pr_fact(BIGNUM *); /* print factors of a value */ -static void pr_print(BIGNUM *); /* print a prime */ -static void usage(void); - -static BN_CTX *ctx; /* just use a global context */ -static int hflag; - -int -main(int argc, char *argv[]) -{ - BIGNUM *val; - int ch; - char *p, buf[LINE_MAX]; /* > max number of digits. */ - - ctx = BN_CTX_new(); - val = BN_new(); - if (val == NULL) - errx(1, "can't initialise bignum"); - - while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "h")) != -1) - switch (ch) { - case 'h': - hflag++; - break; - case '?': - default: - usage(); - } - argc -= optind; - argv += optind; - - /* No args supplied, read numbers from stdin. */ - if (argc == 0) - for (;;) { - if (fgets(buf, sizeof(buf), stdin) == NULL) { - if (ferror(stdin)) - err(1, "stdin"); - exit (0); - } - for (p = buf; isblank(*p); ++p); - if (*p == '\n' || *p == '\0') - continue; - if (*p == '-') - errx(1, "negative numbers aren't permitted."); - if (BN_dec2bn(&val, buf) == 0 && - BN_hex2bn(&val, buf) == 0) - errx(1, "%s: illegal numeric format.", buf); - pr_fact(val); - } - /* Factor the arguments. */ - else - for (; *argv != NULL; ++argv) { - if (argv[0][0] == '-') - errx(1, "negative numbers aren't permitted."); - if (BN_dec2bn(&val, argv[0]) == 0 && - BN_hex2bn(&val, argv[0]) == 0) - errx(1, "%s: illegal numeric format.", argv[0]); - pr_fact(val); - } - exit(0); -} - -/* - * pr_fact - print the factors of a number - * - * Print the factors of the number, from the lowest to the highest. - * A factor will be printed multiple times if it divides the value - * multiple times. - * - * Factors are printed with leading tabs. - */ -static void -pr_fact(BIGNUM *val) -{ - const ubig *fact; /* The factor found. */ - - /* Firewall - catch 0 and 1. */ - if (BN_is_zero(val)) /* Historical practice; 0 just exits. */ - exit(0); - if (BN_is_one(val)) { - printf("1: 1\n"); - return; - } - - /* Factor value. */ - - if (hflag) { - fputs("0x", stdout); - BN_print_fp(stdout, val); - } else - BN_print_dec_fp(stdout, val); - putchar(':'); - for (fact = &prime[0]; !BN_is_one(val); ++fact) { - /* Look for the smallest factor. */ - do { - if (BN_mod_word(val, (BN_ULONG)*fact) == 0) - break; - } while (++fact <= pr_limit); - - /* Watch for primes larger than the table. */ - if (fact > pr_limit) { -#ifdef HAVE_OPENSSL - BIGNUM *bnfact; - - bnfact = BN_new(); - BN_set_word(bnfact, *(fact - 1)); - if (!BN_sqr(bnfact, bnfact, ctx)) - errx(1, "error in BN_sqr()"); - if (BN_cmp(bnfact, val) > 0 || - BN_is_prime(val, PRIME_CHECKS, - NULL, NULL, NULL) == 1) - pr_print(val); - else - pollard_pminus1(val); -#else - pr_print(val); -#endif - break; - } - - /* Divide factor out until none are left. */ - do { - printf(hflag ? " 0x%" PRIx64 "" : " %" PRIu64 "", *fact); - BN_div_word(val, (BN_ULONG)*fact); - } while (BN_mod_word(val, (BN_ULONG)*fact) == 0); - - /* Let the user know we're doing something. */ - fflush(stdout); - } - putchar('\n'); -} - -static void -pr_print(BIGNUM *val) -{ - if (hflag) { - fputs(" 0x", stdout); - BN_print_fp(stdout, val); - } else { - putchar(' '); - BN_print_dec_fp(stdout, val); - } -} - -static void -usage(void) -{ - fprintf(stderr, "usage: factor [-h] [value ...]\n"); - exit(1); -} - -#ifdef HAVE_OPENSSL - -/* pollard p-1, algorithm from Jim Gillogly, May 2000 */ -static void -pollard_pminus1(BIGNUM *val) -{ - BIGNUM *base, *rbase, *num, *i, *x; - - base = BN_new(); - rbase = BN_new(); - num = BN_new(); - i = BN_new(); - x = BN_new(); - - BN_set_word(rbase, 1); -newbase: - if (!BN_add_word(rbase, 1)) - errx(1, "error in BN_add_word()"); - BN_set_word(i, 2); - BN_copy(base, rbase); - - for (;;) { - BN_mod_exp(base, base, i, val, ctx); - if (BN_is_one(base)) - goto newbase; - - BN_copy(x, base); - BN_sub_word(x, 1); - if (!BN_gcd(x, x, val, ctx)) - errx(1, "error in BN_gcd()"); - - if (!BN_is_one(x)) { - if (BN_is_prime(x, PRIME_CHECKS, NULL, NULL, - NULL) == 1) - pr_print(x); - else - pollard_pminus1(x); - fflush(stdout); - - BN_div(num, NULL, val, x, ctx); - if (BN_is_one(num)) - return; - if (BN_is_prime(num, PRIME_CHECKS, NULL, NULL, - NULL) == 1) { - pr_print(num); - fflush(stdout); - return; - } - BN_copy(val, num); - } - if (!BN_add_word(i, 1)) - errx(1, "error in BN_add_word()"); - } -} - -/* - * Sigh.. No _decimal_ output to file functions in BN. - */ -static void -BN_print_dec_fp(FILE *fp, const BIGNUM *num) -{ - char *buf; - - buf = BN_bn2dec(num); - if (buf == NULL) - return; /* XXX do anything here? */ - fprintf(fp, "%s", buf); - free(buf); -} - -#else - -static void -BN_print_fp(FILE *fp, const BIGNUM *num) -{ - fprintf(fp, "%lx", (unsigned long)*num); -} - -static void -BN_print_dec_fp(FILE *fp, const BIGNUM *num) -{ - fprintf(fp, "%lu", (unsigned long)*num); -} - -static int -BN_dec2bn(BIGNUM **a, const char *str) -{ - char *p; - - errno = 0; - **a = strtoul(str, &p, 10); - return (errno == 0 && (*p == '\n' || *p == '\0')); -} - -static int -BN_hex2bn(BIGNUM **a, const char *str) -{ - char *p; - - errno = 0; - **a = strtoul(str, &p, 16); - return (errno == 0 && (*p == '\n' || *p == '\0')); -} - -static BN_ULONG -BN_div_word(BIGNUM *a, BN_ULONG b) -{ - BN_ULONG mod; - - mod = *a % b; - *a /= b; - return mod; -} - -#endif diff --git a/games/fortune/Makefile b/games/fortune/Makefile deleted file mode 100644 index b8b4ff1..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/Makefile +++ /dev/null @@ -1,5 +0,0 @@ -# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93 - -SUBDIR= fortune strfile datfiles unstr - -.include <bsd.subdir.mk> diff --git a/games/fortune/Makefile.inc b/games/fortune/Makefile.inc deleted file mode 100644 index 63751fb..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/Makefile.inc +++ /dev/null @@ -1,3 +0,0 @@ -.if exists(${.CURDIR}/../../Makefile.inc) -.include "${.CURDIR}/../../Makefile.inc" -.endif diff --git a/games/fortune/Notes b/games/fortune/Notes deleted file mode 100644 index f049391..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/Notes +++ /dev/null @@ -1,178 +0,0 @@ -# @(#)Notes 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93 -# $FreeBSD$ - -Warning: - The fortunes contained in the fortune database have been collected - haphazardly from a cacophony of sources, in number so huge it - boggles the mind. It is impossible to do any meaningful quality - control on attributions, or lack thereof, or exactness of the quote. - Since this database is not used for profit, and since entire works - are not published, it falls under fair use, as we understand it. - However, if any half-assed idiot decides to make a profit off of - this, they will need to double check it all, and nobody not involved - of such an effort makes any warranty that anything in the database - bears any relation to the real world of literature, law, or other - bizzarrity. - -==> GENERAL INFORMATION - By default, fortune retrieves its fortune files from the directory -/usr/share/games/fortune. A fortune file has two parts: the source file -(which contains the fortunes themselves) and the data file which describes -the fortunes. The data file always has the same name as the fortune file -with the string ".dat" concatenated, i.e. "fortunes" is the standard fortune -database, and "fortunes.dat" is the data file which describes it. See -strfile(8) for more information on creating the data files. - Fortunes are split into potentially offensive and not potentially -offensive parts. The offensive version of a file has the same name as the -non-offensive version with "-o" concatenated, i.e. "fortunes" is the standard -fortune database, and "fortunes-o" is the standard offensive database. The -fortune program automatically assumes that any file with a name ending in -"-o" is potentially offensive, and should therefore only be displayed if -explicitly requested, either with the -o option or by specifying a file name -on the command line. - Potentially offensive fortune files should NEVER be maintained in -clear text on the system. They are rotated (see caesar(6)) 13 positions. -To create a new, potentially offensive database, use caesar to rotate it, -and then create its data file with the -x option to strfile(8). The fortune -program automatically decrypts the text when it prints entries from such -databases. - Anything which would not make it onto network prime time programming -(or which would only be broadcast if some discredited kind of guy said it) -MUST be in the potentially offensive database. Fortunes containing any -explicit language (see George Carlin's recent updated list) MUST be in the -potentially offensive database. Political and religious opinions are often -sequestered in the potentially offensive section as well. Anything which -assumes as a world view blatantly racist, misogynist (sexist), or homophobic -ideas should not be in either, since they are not really funny unless *you* -are racist, misogynist, or homophobic. - The point of this is that people should have a reasonable -expectation that, should they just run "fortune", they will not be offended. -We know that some people take offense at anything, but normal people do have -opinions, too, and have a right not to have their sensibilities offended by -a program which is supposed to be entertaining. People who run "fortune --o" or "fortune -a" are saying, in effect, that they are willing to have -their sensibilities tweaked. However, they should not have their personal -worth seriously (i.e., not in jest) assaulted. Jokes which depend for their -humor on racist, misogynist, or homophobic stereotypes *do* seriously -assault individual personal worth, and in a general entertainment medium -we should be able to get by without it. - -==> FORMATTING - This file describes the format for fortunes in the database. This -is done in detail to make it easier to keep track of things. Any rule given -here may be broken to make a better joke. - -[All examples are indented by one tab stop -- KCRCA] - -Numbers should be given in parentheses, e.g., - - (1) Everything depends. - (2) Nothing is always. - (3) Everything is sometimes. - -Attributions are two tab stops, followed by two hyphens, followed by a -space, followed by the attribution, and are *not* preceded by blank -lines. Book, journal, movie, and all other titles are in quotes, e.g., - - $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at - which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. - -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" - -Attributions which do not fit on one (72 char) line should be continued -on a line which lines up below the first text of the attribution, e.g., - - -- A very long attribution which might not fit on one - line, "Ken Arnold's Stupid Sayings" - -Single paragraph fortunes are in left justified (non-indented) paragraphs -unless they fall into another category listed below (see example above). -Longer fortunes should also be in left justified paragraphs, but if this -makes it too long, try indented paragraphs, with indentations of either one -tab stop or 5 chars. Indentations of less than 5 are too hard to read. - -Laws have the title left justified and capitalized, followed by a colon, -with all the text of the law itself indented one tab stop, initially -capitalized, e.g., - - A Law of Computer Programming: - Make it possible for programmers to write in English and - you will find the programmers cannot write in English. - -Limericks are indented as follows, all lines capitalized: - - A computer, to print out a fact, - Will divide, multiply, and subtract. - But this output can be - No more than debris, - If the input was short of exact. - -Accents precede the letter they are over, e.g., "`^He" for e with a grave -accent. Underlining is done on a word-by-word basis, with the underlines -preceding the word, e.g., "__^H^Hhi ____^H^H^H^Hthere". - -No fortune should run beyond 72 characters on a single line without good -justification (er, no pun intended). And no right margin justification, -either. Sorry. For BSD people, there is a program called "fmt" which can -make this kind of formatting easier. - -Definitions are given with the word or phrase left justified, followed by -the part of speech (if appropriate) and a colon. The definition starts -indented by one tab stop, with subsequent lines left justified, e.g., - - Afternoon, n.: - That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted - the morning. - -Quotes are sometimes put around statements which are funnier or make more -sense if they are understood as being spoken, rather than written, -communication, e.g., - - "All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that - keeps us sane." - -Ellipses are always surrounded by spaces, except when next to punctuation, -and are three dots long. - - "... all the modern inconveniences ..." - -- Mark Twain - -Human initials always have spaces after the periods, e.g, "P. T. Barnum", -not "P.T. Barnum". However, "P.T.A.", not "P. T. A.". - -All fortunes should be attributed, but if and only if they are original with -somebody. Many people have said things that are folk sayings (i.e., are -common among the folk (i.e., us common slobs)). There is nothing wrong with -this, of course, but such statements should not be attributed to individuals -who did not invent them. - -Horoscopes should have the sign indented by one tab stop, followed by the -dates of the sign, with the text left justified below it, e.g., - - AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You - lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be - careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over - and over again. People think you are stupid. - -Single quotes should not be used except as quotes within quotes. Not even -single quotes masquerading as double quotes are to be used, e.g., don't say -``hi there'' or `hi there' or 'hi there', but "hi there". However, you -*can* say "I said, `hi there'". - -A long poem or song can be ordered as follows in order to make it fit on a -screen (fortunes should be 19 lines or less if at all possible) (numbers -here are stanza numbers): - - 11111111111111111111 - 11111111111111111111 - 11111111111111111111 22222222222222222222 - 11111111111111111111 22222222222222222222 - 22222222222222222222 - 33333333333333333333 22222222222222222222 - 33333333333333333333 - 33333333333333333333 44444444444444444444 - 33333333333333333333 44444444444444444444 - 44444444444444444444 - 44444444444444444444 - - diff --git a/games/fortune/README b/games/fortune/README deleted file mode 100644 index 31b96a2..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/README +++ /dev/null @@ -1,42 +0,0 @@ -# @(#)README 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93 -# $FreeBSD$ - -The potentially offensive fortunes are installed by default on FreeBSD -systems. If you're absolutely, *positively*, without-a-shadow-of-a-doubt -sure that your user community goes berzerk/sues your pants off/drops dead -upon reading one of them, edit the Makefile in the subdirectory datfiles, -and do "make all install". - -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= - Some years ago, my neighbor Avery said to me: "There has not been an -adequate jokebook published since "Joe_Miller", which came out in 1739 and -which, incidentally, was the most miserable no-good ... jokebook in the -history of the printed word." - In a subsequent conversation, Avery said: "A funny story is a funny -story, no matter who is in it - whether it's about Catholics or Protestants, -Jews or Gentiles, blacks or whites, browns or yellows. If a story is genuinely -funny it makes no difference how dirty it is. Shout it from the rooftops. -Let the chips fall all over the prairie and let the bonehead wowsers yelp. -... on them." - It is a nice thing to have a neighbor of Avery's grain. He has -believed in the aforestated principles all his life. A great many other -people nowadays are casting aside the pietistic attitude that has led them -to plug up their ears against the facts of life. We of The Brotherhood -believe as Avery believes; we have never been intimidated by the pharisaical -meddlers who have been smelling up the American landscape since the time of -the bundling board. Neither has any one of our members ever been called a -racist. Still, we have been in unremitting revolt against the ignorant -propensity which ordains, in effect, that "The Green Pastures" should never -have been written; the idiot attitude which compelled Arthur Kober to abandon -his delightful Bella Gross, and Octavius Roy Cohen to quit writing about the -splendiferous Florian Slappey; the moronic frame of mind which, if carried -to its logical end, would have forbidden Ring Lardner from writing in the -language of the masses. - -- H. Allen Smith, "Rude Jokes" - - ... let us keep in mind the basic governing philosophy of The -Brotherhood, as handsomely summarized in these words: we believe in -healthy, hearty laughter -- at the expense of the whole human race, if -needs be. - Needs be. - -- H. Allen Smith, "Rude Jokes" diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/Makefile b/games/fortune/datfiles/Makefile deleted file mode 100644 index 1eabaa4..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/Makefile +++ /dev/null @@ -1,22 +0,0 @@ -# @(#)Makefile 8.2 (Berkeley) 4/19/94 -# $FreeBSD$ - -DB= fortunes freebsd-tips murphy startrek zippy - -# TO AVOID INSTALLING THE POTENTIALLY OFFENSIVE FORTUNES, COMMENT OUT THE -# NEXT LINE. -DB+= limerick murphy-o gerrold.limerick - -BLDS= ${DB:S/$/.dat/} -FILES= ${DB} ${BLDS} -CLEANFILES+=${BLDS} - -FILESDIR= ${SHAREDIR}/games/fortune - -.for f in ${DB} -$f.dat: $f - PATH=$$PATH:/usr/bin:${.OBJDIR}/../strfile \ - strfile -Cs ${.ALLSRC} ${.TARGET} -.endfor - -.include <bsd.prog.mk> diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/Makefile.depend b/games/fortune/datfiles/Makefile.depend deleted file mode 100644 index f80275d..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/Makefile.depend +++ /dev/null @@ -1,11 +0,0 @@ -# $FreeBSD$ -# Autogenerated - do NOT edit! - -DIRDEPS = \ - - -.include <dirdeps.mk> - -.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR} -# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree -.endif diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes deleted file mode 100644 index 1aa54b5..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes +++ /dev/null @@ -1,59053 +0,0 @@ -This fortune brought to you by: -$FreeBSD$ -% -======================================================================= -|| || -|| The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! || -|| Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! || -|| || -======================================================================= - Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production: - "Fortune Cookie" - Directed by Steven Spielberg. - Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando - Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers - and Bob Hope as "The Waiter". - Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin. - Special Effects by Timothy Leary. - Read the Warner paperback! - Invoke the Unix program! - Soundtrack on XTC Records. - In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal - centers. -% - FROM THE DESK OF - Dorothy Gale - - Auntie Em: - Hate you. - Hate Kansas. - Taking the dog. - Dorothy -% - FROM THE DESK OF - Rapunzel - -Dear Prince: - - Use ladder tonight -- - you're splitting my ends. -% - SEMINAR ANNOUNCEMENT - -Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible? -Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth - - ABSTRACT - Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying -the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem -of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas -of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi- -bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size -pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that -there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program -to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable -functions. - This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar. -This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues. - Refreshments will be served. Music will be played. -% - UNIX Trix - -For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will -save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your -next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd -to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they -forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct -the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea -either. If you need some help, give us a call. - - -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems -% - 1/2 - 12 + 144 + 20 + 3*4 2 - ---------------------- + 5 * 11 = 9 + 0 - 7 - -A dozen, a gross and a score, -Plus three times the square root of four, - Divided by seven, - Plus five times eleven, -Equals nine squared plus zero, no more! -% - -- Gifts for Children -- - -This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, -because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months -and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- -morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children -exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If -your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You -Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it -might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe -me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child -who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. - -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" -% - -- Gifts for Men -- - -Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional -ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you -should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the -clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For -example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only -three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, -that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh -at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). -So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several -years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will -pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. - -If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More -than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set -of tires. - -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" -% - Chapter 1 - -The story so far: - - In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot -of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" -% - DELETE A FORTUNE! - -Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like -to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to -"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it -gets expunged. -% - Get GUMMed - --- ------ -The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April -1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above -the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep -each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered -chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek -nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three -days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two -seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user- -friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is -Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis -"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You -Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because -all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we -could tell them. - -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84 -% - Has your family tried 'em? - - POWDERMILK BISCUITS - - Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! - - They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons - the strength to get up and do what needs to be done. - - POWDERMILK BISCUITS - - Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of - the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark - stains that indicate freshness. -% - It's grad exam time... -COMPUTER SCIENCE - Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating -system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert -this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are -bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the -new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.) - -MATHEMATICS - If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long -it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the -length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1. - -GENERAL KNOWLEDGE -Describe the Universe. Give three examples. -% - It's grad exam time... -MEDICINE - You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a -bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has -been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.) - -HISTORY - Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present -day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, -economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and -Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific. - -BIOLOGY - Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture -if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with -special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. -% - Pittsburgh driver's test -10: Potholes are - a) extremely dangerous. - b) patriotic. - c) the fault of the previous administration. - d) all going to be fixed next summer. -The correct answer is b. -Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes -are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car -you have nothing to worry about. -% - Pittsburgh driver's test -2: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should - a) stop immediately. - b) proceed slowly through the intersection. - c) blow the horn. - d) floor it. -The correct answer is d. -If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point. -% - Pittsburgh driver's test -3: When stopped at an intersection you should - a) watch the traffic light for your lane. - b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street. - c) blow the horn. - d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street. -The correct answer is d. -You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting -street turns yellow. -Answer c is worth a half point. -% - Pittsburgh driver's test -4: Exhaust gas is - a) beneficial. - b) not harmful. - c) toxic. - d) a punk band. -The correct answer is b. -The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise -are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where -you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.) -% - Pittsburgh driver's test -5: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment. - How often should you test it? - a) once a year. - b) once a month. - c) once a day. - d) once an hour. -The correct answer is d. -You should test your car's horn at least once every hour, -and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods. -% - Pittsburgh driver's test -7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light - but a steady left tail light. This means - a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your - horn to call the problem to the driver's attention. - b) The driver is signaling a right turn. - c) The driver is signaling a left turn. - d) The driver is from out of town. -The correct answer is d. -Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns. -% - Pittsburgh driver's test -8: Pedestrians are - a) irrelevant. - b) communists. - c) a nuisance. - d) difficult to clean off the front grille. -The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they -are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them -completely. -% - Pittsburgh driver's test -9: Roads are salted in order to - a) kill grass. - b) melt snow. - c) help the economy. - d) prevent potholes. -The correct answer is c. -Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more -indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important, -salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and -steel industries. -% - THE STORY OF CREATION - or - THE MYTH OF URK - -In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, -and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM -was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be -registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; -and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data -Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening -and there was morning, one interrupt ... - -- Rico Tudor -% - JACK AND THE BEANSTACK - by Mark Isaak - - Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL -character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their -hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices -are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some -BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it -to him. - So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, -he met the traveling salesman. - "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman -in high-level language. - "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips -and Apples," commented Jack. - "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue -there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." - Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when -he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she -started thrashing. - "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these -kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the -window ... -% - Answers to Last Fortune's Questions: - -(1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). -(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. -(3) I don't know. -(4) Who cares? -(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, - Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. -(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my - book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and - bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of - Papyrus Books). -% - DETERIORATA - -Go placidly amid the noise and waste, -And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. -Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. -Rotate your tires. -Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, -And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys. -Know what to kiss -- and when. -Remember that two wrongs never make a right, -But that three do. -Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD". -Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, -And despite the changing fortunes of time, -There is always a big future in computer maintenance. - - You are a fluke of the universe ... - You have no right to be here. - Whether you can hear it or not, the universe - Is laughing behind your back. - -- National Lampoon -% - Double Bucky - (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie") - -Double bucky, you're the one! -You make my keyboard lots of fun - Double bucky, an additional bit or two: -(Vo-vo-de-o!) -Control and Meta side by side, -Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide! - Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! - -Double bucky, left and right -OR'd together, outta sight! - Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of - Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of - Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! - -- Guy L. Steele, Jr., (C) 1978 - (to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit - be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use - by screen editors.) -% - Hard Copies and Chmod - -And everyone thinks computers are impersonal -cold diskdrives hardware monitors -user-hostile software - -of course they're only bits and bytes -and characters and strings -and files - -just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend -telling me he loves me and -he'll take care of me - -simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory -deep intimate secrets and -how he doesn't trust me - -couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould -on personal stationery - -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu -% - `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE -Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the -margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit -will be given to candidates who self-actualize. - - 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why -neither has street credibility. - 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting -on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner -city. - 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked -into a black hole. - 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist -ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult. - 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics. - 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing -up of western dualism? - 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss. -% - OUTCONERR -Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes - Did logzerneg the ifthen block -All kludgy were the function flows - And subroutines adhoc. - -Beware the runtime-bug my friend - squrooneg, the false goto -Beware the infiniteloop - And shun the inprectoo. -% - Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence -1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a - nuclear bomb, use the stairs. -2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll - when you hit the ground. -3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. -4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead - to psychological problems. -5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize - foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, - shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. -6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs - will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. -7. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles. -8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be - staggering illegally. -9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more - sanitary due to limited circulation. -10. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short - supply on D-Day. -% - The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance -The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system -in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an -Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four -fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the -Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on -target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable. -If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal -computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip -through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do -to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines -for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can -take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied -into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit -computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup, -they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what -Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home -a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons. - -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984 -% - The STAR WARS Song - Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks: - -I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah -Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda - S-O-D-A soda -I saw the little runt sitting there on a log -I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda - Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda - -Well I've been around but I ain't never seen -A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green - Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda -Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand -How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand - Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda -% - The Three Major Kind of Tools - -* Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or - jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a - manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces, - bludgeons, and truncheons.) - -* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls) - -* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far - greater than the value of any project that could possibly result. - (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses - any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.) - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" -% - (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along") -Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug -Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug -And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. -Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, -Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall -And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. -And we've also found Just flip one switch -When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch -You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble - in a flash. -Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU -Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo," -And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash. -% - 'Twas the Night before Crisis - -'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, - Not a program was working not even a browse. -The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, - Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. -The users were nestled all snug in their beds, - While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. -When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, - I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. -And what to my wondering eyes should appear, - But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. -More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, - And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; -On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! - On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! -His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, - From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. -A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, - Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... -% - What I Did During My Fall Semester -On the first day of my fall semester, I got up. -Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. -Then I hung out in front of the Dover. - -On the second day of my fall semester, I got up. -Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. -Then I hung out in front of the Dover. - -On the third day of my fall semester, I got up. -Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. -I found a thesis topic: - How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover. - -- Sister Mary Elephant, - "Student Statement for Black Friday" -% - William Safire's Rules for Writers: - -Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never -be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs has to -agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words -out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal -of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must -not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a -conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a -sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as -close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more -words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles -must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a -linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing -metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should -be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their -writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows -the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek -viable alternatives. -% - 1/3 - /\(3) - | 2 1/3 - | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e ) - | - \/ 1 - -The integral of z squared, dz -From 1 to the cube root of 3 - Times the cosine - Of 3 PI over nine -Is the log of the cube root of e -% - THE DAILY PLANET - - SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT! - Plans to "Eat it later" -% - *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING *** - -Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical -terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into -the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers' -School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. -They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day. -With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code -and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language -in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a -computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what -you should blame when you make a mistake. - - Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer. - I enclose $1000 in small unmarked bills to cover the cost of - postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.) - -*** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. *** -% - A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling - by Mark Twain - - For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped -to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer -be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained -would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 -might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the -same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with -"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. - Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear -with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 -or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. -Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi -ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz -ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. - Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud -hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. -% - *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? *** -Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical -terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into -the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers' -School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. - - *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? *** -Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can -help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and -enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month. - - *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST *** -To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to -try this simple test: - 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters - of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF). - 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill? - 3: What is the state capital of Idaho? -If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked -them, you may have a future as a computer programmer. -% - *** STUDENT SUCCESSES *** - -Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of -programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized -form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a -winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I -sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine. -Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management -program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he -was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in -his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could -have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains -in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll -be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which -can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate -yourself in the morning. -% - - *** System shutdown message from root *** - -System going down in 60 seconds - - -% - ... This striving for excellence extends into people's -personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the -best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. -Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking -soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a -reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their -table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is -not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous -crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their -beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant -wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of -Liza Minnelli. - -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" -% - ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it. -% - 7,140 pounds on the Sun - 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars - 255 pounds on Earth - 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus - 43 pounds on the Moon - 648 pounds on Jupiter - 275 pounds on Saturn - 303 pounds on Neptune - 13 pounds on Pluto - - -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places - in the solar system. -% - A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of -the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed -the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to -another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back -and forth. - "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case -of carp-to-carp walleting." -% - A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing -the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them -missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in -his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that -work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump -flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted. - At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two -events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the -dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously: -"Have you seen my parakeet?" -% - A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when -a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the -foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I -have what I think is a pretty good act." - The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to -the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top. -Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping -his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little -man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles, -performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive -from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside -the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time. - "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?" - "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird -imitations?" -% - A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a -long-distance caw. -% - A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating -his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said -the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." - Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the -toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". -% - A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about -whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they -got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The -medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's -rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." - The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden -itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden -and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." - The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then -commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" -% - A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from -his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp. -% - A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the -house of seven gobbles. -% - A father gave his teenage daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for -her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her -looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured -sadly, "runneth over." -% - A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods. -After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears, -one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed -the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole. - "What do you think?" said the first ranger. - "The Czech is in the male," replied the second. -% - A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another -finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's -the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week. -% - A horrible little boy came up to me and said, "You know in your -book The Martian Chronicles?" - I said, "Yes?" - He said, "You know where you talk about Deimos rising in the -East?" - I said, "Yes?" - He said "No." -- So I hit him. - -- attributed to Ray Bradbury -% - A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three -days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted. -% - A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2. - The housewife replied, "Four!". - The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures -through my spread sheet one more time." - The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a -hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?" -% - A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had -made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he -would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the -lawyer. - "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this -state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, -I could put `here lies an honest lawyer', if that would be okay." - "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. - "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it -and exclaim, "That's Strange!" -% - A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to -the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey." - The bartender ignores him. - "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey." - Still ignored. - "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!" - The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the -leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain. - Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots, -jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the -saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender, -"I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw." -% - A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points -to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs. - When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement -and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and -French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird -and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and -German, can knit and can curse in Latin. - Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is -told, "that one is 150,000." - "Why, what can it do?" he asks. - "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't -do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary." - -- being told in Poland, 1987 -% - A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master, -Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the -wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student. - "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a -pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new -disciples." - Hearing this, the man was Enlightened. -% - A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The -first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. - "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow -and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." - "But the collar is up around my ears!" - "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a -little more ... that's it." - "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. - "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you -go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly." - So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the -street. Reba and Florence see him go by. - "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!" - "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit." - -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" -% - A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well, -shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her -that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again, -soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number. - The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She -agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was. -Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers --- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army -knife! - Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the -afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment -he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it -for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't -help but see was full of Swiss Army knives. - Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many. - "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that -won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!" -% - A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police -during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he -was making a bolt for the door. -% - A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, -"Do you serve lawyers here?". - "Sure do," replied the bartender. - "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for -my 'gator." -% - A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his -wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer." -% - A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path. -% - A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the -program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer -promptly replied. - "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully, -how long will it take?" - The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish -to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said. - "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be -satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete." - The programmer agreed to this. - Several years later, the manager retired. On the way to his -retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal. -He had been programming all night. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him -invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the -manager retained his job. - The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer -refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting -concept, and thus I expect no reward." - The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he -holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an -employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!" - But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist -so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste -everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your -work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave -at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several -resigned on the spot. - So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own -working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The -programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee -hours of the morning. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements -document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will -it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?" - "It will take one year," said the master promptly. - "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it -take it I assign ten programmers to it?" - The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years." - "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?" - The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be -completed," he said. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master -noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me", -he said, "may I examine it?" - The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master. -"I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium, -and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play, -where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the -human." - "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this -mysterious setting?" - The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot. -And suddenly the novice was enlightened. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices, -"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant," -said the master. - "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. - "It is," came the reply. - "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. - "It is even in a video game," said the master. - "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" - The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is -over for today," he said. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A MODERN FABLE - -Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory -far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message -with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit -today's minute attention span. - - The Troubled Aardvark - -Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was -driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house -in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and -unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his sniveling, spoiled -children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and -his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its -pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any -personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a -wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only -course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he -drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods. - -MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers. - -- Tom Annau -% - A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a -new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?" -% - A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at -the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the -pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite -nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..." - "If what?" asked the composer. - "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" -% - A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which -removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to -doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous -amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware -limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the -larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient -power-down sequence. - An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the -building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has -bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer -cool. -% - A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs, -documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of -the best programmers in the world. Why is this?" - The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has -gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system -crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the -need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He -has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within -themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has -entered the mystery of the Tao." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and -sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally -baffled. What is the reason for this?" - The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand -the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why -do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers -simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect. - The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal. -Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment." - "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the -novice. - "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is -much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant -among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business. -Why is this so?" - The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That -company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody -would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a -servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one -of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure -that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with -vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying -'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new -names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an -unnatural entity exist?" - The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are -disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from -its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming -beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?" - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial -package. - The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master -reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set -of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface, -but not the slightest mention of anything financial. - When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant. -"Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the -power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly, -"You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding -of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The -machine worked. -% - "A penny for your thoughts?" - "A dollar for your death." - -- The Odd Couple -% - A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost -in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they -noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily. - The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the -party. He walked out into the night. - The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to -be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him, -too. - The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned -to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to -save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by -the wolf pack. - At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun. -He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds -has killed them all. - The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others -went out to be killed? - The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket. -He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many." -% - A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a -strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained -throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless -loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming -rigidity. - A program should follow the "Law of Least Astonishment." What is this -law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the -way that astonishes him least. - A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The -program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward -appearances. - If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of -disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the -program. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software -conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort -of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were -unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their -clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed our hospitality suites and they -made rude noises during my presentation." - The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference. -Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd, -an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations. -Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother -with social conventions?" - "They are alive within the Tao." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all -these stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" - "It isn't the stops and starts that get on my nerves, it's the -jerks." -% - A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter -carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're -doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?" - Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag, -which contained twelve more loons. - "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked. - "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage." - "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?" - "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan." -% - A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor -recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill -his wellness potential." - - Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal -of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors." - - A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti- -personnel devices." You probably call them bombs. - - At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian -mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired. - - After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls -of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it) -only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling -of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an -unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice -touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad -experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his -pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously -sent him. - -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) -% - A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator, -"This is a parson to parson call." - A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free -Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over." - Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great -deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is. - Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family -often doesn't have a legacy to stand on. - The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was -caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow. - A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for -granite. -% - A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt. -As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible -eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn -under the kilt?" - He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you -SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did -really want to know. - The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn -under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!" -% - A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it, -realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't -see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Palomar Repeater Club, an amateur radio -group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing -that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit, -it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing. - I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical -work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator -Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth -dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to -another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets -the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor -requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire -going to it is so large. - Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas -electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is -British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water, -British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and -I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks -secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke. - -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School -% - A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to -Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star. - A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best -friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she -had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today -and I've been telling it to the Maureens." - Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene -from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed -Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille." -% - "...A strange enigma is man!" - "Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested. - "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked -that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he -becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what -any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number -will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says -the statistician." - -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" -% - A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic. -% - A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened -to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the -sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes. -"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. -Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?" - "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler. - "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by -a snake?" - "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I -am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then -suck the poison from the wound." - "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on -a rattler?" persisted the woman. - "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn -who my real friends are." -% - A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a -little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to -save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder." -% - A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride -and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the -child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech -therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused -to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading -the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from -his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold." - The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son, -after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?". - Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now". -% - ACHTUNG!!! -Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy -schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit -spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das -rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und -vatch das blinkenlights!!! -% - After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from -Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, -and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon -to be created." - "This is true," He replied. - "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. - "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the -right to make his laws?" - "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to -make his own." - It was so granted. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% - After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home -directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the -Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the -edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp. - "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more -wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious." - -- DECWARS -% - After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in - the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they -would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his -favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted -camp chores. - The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and, - as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to -discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the -children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed. -Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was -ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them. - "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend -Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly -interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for -a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own -cattle. We shall bury him in it." - Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?" - Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!" - "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not -realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!" - -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand - Feghoot!" -% - All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and -how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the -graduate-school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School. -These are the things I learned: - Share everything. - Play fair. - Don't hit people. - Put things back where you found them. - Clean up your own mess. - Don't take things that aren't yours. - Say you're sorry when you hurt someone. - Wash your hands before you eat. - Flush. - Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. - Live a balanced life -- learn some and think some and draw and -paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some. - Take a nap every afternoon. - When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands, -and stick together. - Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam -cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows -how or why, but we are all like that. - Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in -the Styrofoam cup -- they all die. So do we. - And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you -learned -- the biggest word of all -- LOOK. - Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden -Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality -and sane living. - [...] Think what a better world it would be if we all -- the -whole world -- had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon -and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if all governments -had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them -and to clean up their own mess. - And it is still true, no matter how old you are -- when you go -out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together. - -- Robert Fulghum, "All I Ever Really Needed to Know - I Learned in Kindergarten" -% - All that you touch, And all you create, - All that you see, And all you destroy, - All that you taste, All that you do, - All you feel, And all you say, - And all that you love, All that you eat, - And all that you hate, And everyone you meet, - All you distrust, All that you slight, - All you save, And everyone you fight, - And all that you give, And all that is now, - And all that you deal, And all that is gone, - All that you buy, And all that's to come, - Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is - in tune, - But the sun is eclipsed - By the moon. - -There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark. - -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon" -% - America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission -with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely -years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds -or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb. -wife. They approve. - The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I -want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut -thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of -the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it. - Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside -to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been -up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The -Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely -perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're -impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches -the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and -screams: "Anybody got a match?" -% - An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same -time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they -had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll -teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too." -% - An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows -he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great -restraint. - As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment -after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next -time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect, -with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems, -is ready to build a second system. - This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When -he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each -other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences -will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not -generalizable. - The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all -the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one. -The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". - -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" -% - An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat -is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and -announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage. - "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard -all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a -piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!" - Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs -"Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an -outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to -this head and pulls the trigger. - The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat -again?" - "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets." - -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987 -% - An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals. -The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about -to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be -used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be -woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up -and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched -over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people, -and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife." - The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen", -while plunging the knife into his heart. - The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, -"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart. - The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, -while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!" -% - An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity -in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. - "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if -you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like -an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an -hour seems like a minute." - The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a -moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" - -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" -% - An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a -great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. -I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. -I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but -I have not been enlightened. What should I do?" - Otis replied, "Give up suffering." - -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" -% - "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" -asked the father of his little son. - "Diet." -% - "Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully. - "None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding -someone qualified who is willing to accept the post." - "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I -can at least make a decision." - "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic -young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most -up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind." - -- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly" -% - "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?" - "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime." - "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime." - "That was the curious incident." - -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze" -% - Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen -preaching to a group of disciples. - "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating -the absolute reality of --" - "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!" - Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he -vaporized. - On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued -with the spirit of the morning. - "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks, -"Thou art That..." - "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!" - Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk, -and he vaporized. - Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our -enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow -soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?" - "US?" snapped Hakuin. - Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the -Governor, and he vaporized. - Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with -his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!" -% - "Are you police officers?" - "No, ma'am. We're musicians." - -- The Blues Brothers -% - "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?" - "No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat." - -- Monty Python -% - As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy -for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I -am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab -you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your -friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying: - "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better* -for doing it." - -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone" -% - At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from -Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head -under the exhaust of a bus until he revived. -% - Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and -took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his -followers. - One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and -there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. - "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his -commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your -Purpose in Life, anyway?" - Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The -Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) - Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. - Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. - -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" -% - "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, -and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full -of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come -by their ignorance the hard way." - -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Cat's Cradle" -% - Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November, -and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the -boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't -look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier. - By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his -teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to -the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do". - Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now, -Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now -what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your -clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all -get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up. -You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die." - Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the -pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered. - "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die." -% - "But Huey, you PROMISED!" - "Tell 'em I lied." -% - By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in -the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were -still five feet between rails. - It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, -in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May -of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the -axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which -could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set, -great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one -rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its -new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate -over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere -was possible. - -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957 -% - Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees -along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild! -Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!" - Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks -would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?" - Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like -to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?" - Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no, -I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it." - Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a -whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it." - Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try -it some other time, Carrie." - She gave it up. - -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street" -% - Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio, -the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?" -"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete." -% - Chapter VIII -Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension, -Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe -like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again. -% - "Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, which -way I ought to go from here?" - "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said -the Cat. - "I don't care much where--" said Alice. - "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat. - -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) -% - Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermont noted -in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more -owls." - -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" -% - COONDOG MEMORY - (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago) - -Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as -old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot. -For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and -is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to -try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made -two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set -back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods, -come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air, -run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had -something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them -up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my -neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she -stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my -coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon -skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up. -Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow -was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the -air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the -Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog -is for sale. - -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly -% - Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the -functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that -the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free. - However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the -diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and -square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the -date of purchase. - NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS -DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING -ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR -CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES. - -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual -% - Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule - - Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High - Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049 - Sept 28 Blind Academy - Sept 30 World War I Veterans - Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041 - Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders - Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir - Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic - Nov 9 Korean War Amputees - Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients -% - Deck us all with Boston Charlie, - Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! - Nora's freezin' on the trolley, - Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! - - Don't we know archaic barrel, - Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. - Trolley Molly don't love Harold, - Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! - -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie" -% - "Do you think there's a God?" - "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!" - -- Calvin and Hobbs -% - Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a -white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine. - -Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17) - -p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxzema on friction burns? - Or is Vaseline better? -% - "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, -sincerely, extremely dangerously. - They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. -They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used -intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. -They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They -used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the -bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. -They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. -They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. - -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" -% - "Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?" - "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" - "Well, I've never done anything illegal before." - "... I thought you said you were an accountant." -% - Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether -at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or -"mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such -experiences today. Here is his account of what happened: - "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination -to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the -thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal -march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a -sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment. -The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all -human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has -sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth -all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the -knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered -my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling -characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness. -The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder): -`A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'" - -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs -% - During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had -him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon. - In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher. -She's a woman who conks to stupor. - Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a -man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker." - It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep. - It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with -bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins. -% - During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen -were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a -red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, -"Hey, you almost hit my wife." - "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a -shot at mine, over there." -% - Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, -called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you -have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in -most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the -time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could -have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, -although God alone knows why it would want to. - The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, -direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes -have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one -direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents -harmful electron buildup in the wires. - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" -% - Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times. -At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly -after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely, -"Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so -charming a wife." -% - Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as -far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for -the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to. - It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old -days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers? - There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody -speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them. - The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips -and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the -sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller. - Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to -be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older -than I am. - I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much -that she didn't recognize me. - I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair -this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now, -they don't even make good mirrors like they used to. - Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed" -% - Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping -mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as -"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you -how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", -"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night -So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. - -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" -% - Exxon's "Universe of Energy" tends to the peculiar rather than the -humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and -rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the -seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs. -The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face. - "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to -aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like, -but Exxon has decided they smelled bad. - "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled -message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this, -but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with -energy policy and neither do you." - -- P. J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell" -% - "Fantasies are free." - "NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!" -% - Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each -other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around -the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors -d'oeuvres. - Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes -to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your -Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright -piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. - Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with -inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down -other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and -placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when -the little hammers strike. - Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over -their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning -Christmas tree. The piano is missing. - - You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless -you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level -4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. -% - "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence -of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." - - "Whose?" - - "MINE! HA-HA!" -% - "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly: -"of course you know what `it' means." - - "I know what `it' means well enough, when I find a thing," -said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm. - -The question is, what did the archbishop find?" -% - Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance. -"What happened?" - "I was struck by the beauty of the place." -% - "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an -extracurricular activity except you." - "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" - "Only to ten, Mudhead." - -- The Firesign Theatre -% - Graduating seniors, parents and friends... - Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up -to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness. - The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the -text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism. - Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured -the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to -expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic. - Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric -perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed -denigrating to the political consensus of the moment. - - Thank you and good luck. - -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech. -% - GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917 - -On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then- -Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them -off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I -wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his -mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a -tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men -stood lookout. -% - Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there -may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system. -Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others, -even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and -aggressive persons, for they are sales reps. - If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised, -for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched. -Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real -hassle and could change your fortunes in time. - Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of -bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive -for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for -proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical -about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed. - Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass -them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield -you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings --- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the -Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0. - Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you -can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken -line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive -to stay employed. - -- Technolorata, "Analog" -% - "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed -his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns -verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his -thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he -had actually implicationed. - "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian -leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent -since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first." - -- The Guardian -% - Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You -are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous -and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking -to conquer the world. - Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and -hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao -lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does -not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune, -for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time." - Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" - "Yes; I don't have one." - "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..." - -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington -% - "Have you lived here all your life?" - "Oh, twice that long." -% - "Hawk, we're going to die." - "Never say die... and certainly never say we." - -- M*A*S*H -% - He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought -until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to -heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and -ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had -rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor -felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the -doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him. -"Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will -right now." - "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing -out a list of people I'm going to bite!" -% - ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither -does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to -combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is -self-propagating. - -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose" -% - He who receives ideas from me, receives instruction himself without -lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine receives light -without darkening me. - -- Thomas Jefferson on patents on ideas -% - "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" - "Whattaya need?" - "Oh, about $500." - "Whattaya got for collateral?" - "Whattaya need?" - "How about an eye?" - -- Sam Giancana -% - "Hmm, lots of people seem to be confused about the difference -between amd64 and ia64." - "Obviously they've never had an ia64 drop on their foot. They'd -know the difference then." - -- Peter Wemm explains CPU architecture -% - Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's -willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop -for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say -"shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home -centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas -trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise -because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every -object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ... - Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the -broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has -a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the -inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the -same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at -an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of -these sometime around the middle of next week". - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" -% - "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary -of her blonde companion. - "Fishing through the ice," she replied. - "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?" - "Olives." -% - "How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why -were you afraid to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her." - "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat -replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were -you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be -deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your -second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested -in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then -licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but -examined his claws. - "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been -hers and not my own, not ever again." - -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" -% - "How many people work here?" - "Oh, about half." -% - How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are -3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who -could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury. - -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs -% - "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy -social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche -full of money before." -% - Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small -misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of -the mind. But the machine has no corners. Despite all the attempts to -see the computer as a brain, the machine has no foreground or -background. It can be programmed to behave as if it were working with -uncertainty, but -- underneath, at the code, at the circuits -- it -cannot simultaneously do something and withhold for later something that -remains unknown. In the painstaking working out of the specification, -line by code line, the programmer confronts an awful, inevitable truth: -The ways of human and machine understanding are disjunct. - -- Ellen Ullman, "Close to the Machine" -% - "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a -quavering voice. - "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of -course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which -I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in -Elven-lore: - - "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, - Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. - Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, - This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. - The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. - The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. - If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. - If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." - -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" -% - I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is -the sky blue?" - HE asked me about black holes in space. - (There's a hole *where*?) - - I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?" - HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains. - (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...) - - I talked about Choo-Choo trains. - HE talked internal combustion engines. - (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.") - - I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete -as equals. - HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create -the graphics. - - Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence. - HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women." - (Gotcha!) - -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child" -% - I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we -use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to -violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic, -is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think -of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call -each other up: - You: Hello? Bob? - Bob: Yes? - You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you - took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? - Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? - You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: - "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. - I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill - and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto - the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to - have to get back to you. - Bob: Fine. - -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" -% - "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said - Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- -till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for -you!'" - "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice -objected. - "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful -tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor -less." - "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean -so many different things." - "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master-- -that's all." - -- Lewis Carroll, - "Through the Looking-Glass, - and What Alice Found There" (1871) -% - I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the -accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For -the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that -can't be measured in monetary terms. - Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to -have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came -by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot -should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly -understand his long delay. -% - I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me. -I pushed "1" and he just stood there. I said "Hi, where you going?" - He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later -the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. - I looked at him and said "You know, you're the kind of guy I -want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his -shack in the desert. - Then the phone rang. He said "You get it." - I picked it up and said "Hello?" - The other side said "Is this Steven Wright?" - I said "Yes..." - The guy said "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from -your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the -university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we -loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" - I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all -of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... -and I would appreciate it you never called me again." - -- Steven Wright -% - "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me. -I think very probably he might be cured." - "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob. - "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor. - The elders murmured assent. - "Now, what affects it?" - "Ah!" said old Yacob. - "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer -things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft -depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way -as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and -his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant -irritation and distraction." - "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?" - "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order -to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical -operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies." - "And then he will be sane?" - "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen." - "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob. - -- H. G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind" -% - "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." - "Did you ever see a doctor?" - "No, just spots." -% - I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments -of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use -of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such -as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive", -"I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me -at present". - When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied -myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him -immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by -observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, -but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc. - I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the -conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I -proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction. -I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily -prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I -happened to be in the right. - -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin -% - I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked -me to cry. - This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better -to weep." - I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come -back; I would be nice." - Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always." - "Oh, not enough." - "Nobody can give anybody enough." - "Not ever?" - "No, not ever. But one must go on trying." - "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?" - "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had -valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine. - -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs" -% - I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and -asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged. -That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten -over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two -arrests. - "Not a very impressive record," I offered. - "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what -these complaints represent?" - "What do they represent?" I asked. - "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly, -closing the book. - -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will" -% - [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path, -including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams, -as I am absolutely terrified of yams... - Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many -of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands -and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow. -My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence, -when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers -into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields, -pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving -into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may -explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every -time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally -deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists. -% - "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of -that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put -more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it -might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not -otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be -otherwise.'" - -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) -% - I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5." - He said, "What you need is to grow up, son." - I said, "Growin' up leads to growin' old, And then to dying, and -to me that don't sound like much fun. - -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song" -% - "I suppose you expect me to talk." - "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die." - -- Goldfinger -% - "I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'" - "Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of -dairy products." - -- The Life of Brian -% - "I thought you were trying to get into shape." - "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle." -% - If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. - On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, -that is also a psychological interaction. - The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not -so friendly. - The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. - -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" -% - If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the -operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler -is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then -the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world. - The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth -to the assembler. - The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand -languages. - Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language -expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within -the tao. - But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it. -% - If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of -everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then -we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf. - Both those things sound pretty good to me. - -- Sparky Anderson -% - If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you -brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled- -up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and -repeat the sequence. - You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to -hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it -again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around -your own apartment? - -- William S. Burroughs -% - If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs -around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace -explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The -"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and -deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the -better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random -with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives -you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a -successful campaign for the U.S. Senate. - And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. -You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How -difficult can it be?" - Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible, -which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying -other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up -yourself for far less money. This article can help you. - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" -% - "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing -means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is -somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all." - "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with -them, or something?" - "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was -lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or -not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming." - "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?" - "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service -you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case -it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings -would destroy the whole point of it." - -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49" -% - I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the -right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document -library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I -should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it -was by the time I find it. - I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe -"The Paper Chase: IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except -that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder -pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left -blank." - -- Alex Crain -% - "I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after -badly nicking a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel." - "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home -under my arm." -% - In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, -Junior, what are you up to?" - "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the -rabbit. - "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one -will publish such rubbish!" - "Well, follow me and I'll show you." - They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the -rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a -wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?" - "I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour -wolves." - "Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?" - "Come with me and I'll show you." - As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face -and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave -and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge -lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody -remnants of the wolf and the fox. - - The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are -important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts. -% - In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to -his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's -kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment -was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc. -Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News, -Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess -of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers -and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure -out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value -to product." - According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has -10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200 -lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of -pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have -been an efficiency expert? - -- Motor Trend, May 1983 -% - In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and -null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of -IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there -be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they -carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called -the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was -evening and there was morning, one interrupt. - -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk" -% - In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by -the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to -large numbers and prospered. - One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far -as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that -was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ... -until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox. - The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge -structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed -out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when -they began to speak to one another, SURPRISE of all surprises! they could not -understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought -amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the -Topologists remain the original Mathematicians. - -- The Story of Babel -% - In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time. -Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming. - - Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of -time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always -have enough time and space to accomplish their goals. - How could it be otherwise? - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he -sat hacking at the PDP-6. - "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. - "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." - "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky. - "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play". - At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do -you close your eyes?" - "So that the room will be empty." - At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. -% - In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It -changes into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this -bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. -This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull -making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with -the blue sky at its back, returns home. - The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands -it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears -its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he -does not know that the bird has come and gone. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa -to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to -like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely -baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough. -Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has -achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than -right any day." - "And are you?" - "No. That's where it all falls down, of course." - "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good -life-style otherwise." - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% - "Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?" - "To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time." - "The dog did nothing in the night-time." - "That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes. -% - It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden -directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire. -During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the -Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with -enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's -sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script, -custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore -freedom and games to the network... - -- DECWARS -% - It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and -by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate -the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the -case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations -which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are -like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they -require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments. - -- Alfred North Whitehead -% - It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will -not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and -because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature -human beings. - The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case, -there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the -duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one -of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but -you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments -and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you. - Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like -to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic -response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock? - Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you -have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a -different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this -person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then -remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different -religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms. - -- Playboy, January, 1983 -% - It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships -for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences -change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the -ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year -after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and -starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes -a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind -his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much -he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the -passengers. - One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without -a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the -parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging -to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end. -As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to -the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps -"OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?" -% - It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air -balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George -turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We -need to find out where we are." - Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the -cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man -standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me -where we are?" - The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately -fifty feet in the air!" - George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer". - Replies Harry, "How can you tell?". - "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally -useless!" - -That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about -George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the -New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer". -% - It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built, -everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment -was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has -cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing. - There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never -really needed in the first place. - I expect every installation has its own pet software which is -analogous to the above. - -- K. E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa -% - It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east -laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The -thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, -nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying -for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. - Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating -under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting -icepacks. - -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" -% - "It's a summons." - "What's a summons?" - "It means summon's in trouble." - -- Rocky and Bullwinkle -% - "It's today!" said Piglet. - "My favorite day," said Pooh. -% - Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has -been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade. - "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag -when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was -Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is -it always me, teacher?" - "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher -explains. - - -- being told in Poland, 1987 -% - Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she -lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always -getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to -the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their -sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do -you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? -What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead -of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under -the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever. -They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the -applications for. - -- Dave Barry -% - Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and -tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people -and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the -outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap, -caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants, -day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored. - Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker? -What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are -start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper. -Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior -class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a -movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the -police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go -home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going -now. They're in a band. - -- Ira Kaplan -% - Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is. -Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh? - Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak -dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a -dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us -away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of -the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the -other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck -out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come -back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live -forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld. - -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" -% - Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode -into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man -galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!" - Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over -eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a -rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over -the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!" - The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man -guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as -the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and -smacked his lips with relish. - "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered. - "Naw, I gotta git outta here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's -a-comin'." -% - Love's Drug - -My love is like an iron wand - That conks me on the head, -My love is like the valium - That I take before my bed, -My love is like the pint of scotch - That I drink when I be dry; -And I shall love thee still, my dear, - Until my wife is wise. -% - "Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years." - "What about X?" - "I said `intellectual'." - ;login, 9/1990 -% - Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills. -Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max." -% - "Mind if I smoke?" - "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!" -% - "Mind if I smoke?" - "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?" -% - Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all -the people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son." - Laughingly I felled her with a right cross. - -- Spike Milligan -% - Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly -approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby. - "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as -to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work? -All I have in the world is this gun." -% - Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada -Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The -company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent -defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time). - The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in -plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per -cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately." - -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail -% - Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring -Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping -pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret -military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and -Esther and hustle them off to prison. - They can't prove who they are because they've left their -passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day -and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation -movement. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, -charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. - The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where -they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them -if they have any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call -her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not -possible, and turns to Murray. - "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he -spits in the sergeants face. - "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." - -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" -% - My friends, I am here to tell you of the wondrous continent known as -Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31. -We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in -Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at -6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by -6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That -was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose -and Knights of Pithiests. - The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their -annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole, -which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They -weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole. - One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my -pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough -word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were -embedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are -looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying. - We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. -So we're going back in a few years... - -- Julius H. Marx -% - "My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?" - "Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo." -% - My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or -even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be -understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of -robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as -an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on -the alter of human limitations. - I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often -in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown -the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had -threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal -stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central -earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the -Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the -earth really does revolve about the sun. - -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" -% - NEW YORK -- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of -directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip -Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the -offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the -true value of the company. - Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story. -Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover -agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of -their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to -reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to -reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of -Nazareth. -% - "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so -simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't -hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process -really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to -expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were -those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I -can't." - "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand." - -- Little, Big, "John Crowley" -% - Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?" - He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea. - "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly. -"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program, -born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the -program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever -stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here, -a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other -times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very -*essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the -program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching -the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can -stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest -hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march. -"This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!" -% - Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home -tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. - Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell -plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where -they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of -Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon -administration. In either the hardware or housewares department, -you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and -described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with -interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools -that Americans might use around the home. Buy it. - This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it -inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the -so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off -if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to -direct sunlight. - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" -% - Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something -to be avoided than harped upon. - Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being -reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might -just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something -about helping to postpone this reunion. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" -% - "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out -of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on -urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will -put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll -confirm who I am. - "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it." - -- Captain Freedom -% - Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train -demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his -testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark, -and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid -no attention to the signal. - The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company -complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said, -"I was afraid you would waver under testimony." - "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned -lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit." -% - On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in -receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's -income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than -$283 on the desk before the cashier. - "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That -route never brought in money like this! What happened?" - "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured -business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and -worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" -% - On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping -around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a -grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one -almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe -found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe, -desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and -staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar. -Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe, -sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law -being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces. - "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the -wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!" - With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and -dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a -normal person?" -% - On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people. -There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale -is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright, -non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do -several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works -best, write it down and make that the standard. - The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions -from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of -committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all -with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get -something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once. - So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well, -then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write -it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it -after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is -committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think -it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which. - -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI" -% - On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick -tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August -they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw -it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato -at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines, -heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said, -"You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking. - What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over, -she looked like the side of a barn. - I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it -had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it, -and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup, -when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had -to decide quickly. I decided. - A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat -man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after me -faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain -me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a -good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that -the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing -a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end. - -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" -% - Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very -special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old -traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We -traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we -see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same -spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after -week, until it led them to a parking space. - We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to -let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars -will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way -great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow -our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning -to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car, -which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our -shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and -go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion -and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it. - -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot - Skirmish" -% - Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great -crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs -and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and -resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature -said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall -let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom." - The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current -you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will -die quicker than boredom!" - But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at -once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time, -as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the -bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. - And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See -a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come -to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more -Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go. -Our true work is this voyage, this adventure. - But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the -rocks, making legends of a Saviour. - -- Richard Bach -% - Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his -time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day, -in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make -dolphins live forever! - Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass -produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was -only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried -away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and -steal one of these birds. - Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was -escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began -combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down -on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep. - Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his -bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he -stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his -car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for -transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises. -% - Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll -through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated -on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the -frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but -I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast -a spell over me and turned me into a frog." - "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to -help you break such a spell." - "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be -taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend -the night under her pillow." - The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her -pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure -enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of -royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day -her father and mother still don't believe her story. -% - Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river. -One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the -biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours, -until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge -of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling -with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he -accidentally caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a -snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud -"sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge, -simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the -fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home. - Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a -boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing -plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their -heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task -went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being -his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he -was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on -the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish -he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as -his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB! -% - Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity -to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant, -and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is -like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant -is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant -is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan." -And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like -a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate -perception of the elephant. - The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and -attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but -bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just -goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw -them I didn't think they'd be any fun at all." -% - Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights -in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom -who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses, -and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could -win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the -way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with -each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was -not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was, -in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom, -they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some -treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not -thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the -answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page. -% - Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property -of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane -complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to -obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science. - Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is -available to anyone. - -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid" -% - One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make -a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers -to each cons." - Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a -student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage -collector..." -% - One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached -an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers -went to speak with him. - "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow -students inquired. - "It is", Kyogen answered. - "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?" - "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen. -% - One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her, -he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything -I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the -things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get -them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it -- -so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for -you." - The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie -Kelly?" - He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never -saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a -lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed. - -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead" -% - One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, -and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few -people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next -stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a -wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, -"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. - Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically -meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't -happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on -again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the -one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started -losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he -could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo, -and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; -what's more, he felt really good about himself. - So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus -and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the -passenger, and screamed, "And why not?" - With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a -bus pass." -% - One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He -directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went... - "Change course 10 degrees South." - The reply was quickly flashed back... - "You change course 10 degrees North." - The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further -message..... - "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South." - Back came the reply... - "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North." - The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message.... -"I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!" - Back came the reply... - "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!" - -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course" -% - One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic -is our support for UNIX? - Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago. -Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our -VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand, -easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual -users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines. -And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have -good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. - It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run -out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end -up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. - With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly -check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter -what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if -you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX -is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there. - -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984 -[It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken -Olsen's brain. Ed.] -% - page 46 -...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai -Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used -to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group -on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers, -"had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were -on placebo." - page 56 -The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body. -Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and -affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of -which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental -diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts -to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must -be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human -body functions. - -- Norman Cousins, - "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient" -% - Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in -town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts. - During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He -stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode -Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch -a Tory!" - A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat -loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her -husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?" - A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe. -Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we -never reveal our sauce." - A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He -kept favoring curry. - A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong -game. They had the volley of the Dills. -% - People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty, -these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female -persuasion. - "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but -misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good -swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension, -respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling -enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse -the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it. - A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up -version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a -"woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be -able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you -call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a -youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match. -% - "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head, -sounding a bit worried. - "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for -is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money." - "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee -said quickly. - "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations," -Cobb said, hopping out. - -- Rudy Rucker, "Software" -% - Phases of a Project: -(1) Exultation. -(2) Disenchantment. -(3) Confusion. -(4) Search for the Guilty. -(5) Punishment for the Innocent. -(6) Distinction for the Uninvolved. -% - Phil [Record] was known as the Hat because he always wore a felt -snap brim. It was the standard uniform for police reporters, for one -reason: it made it easier for them to pass themselves off as detectives. -We had an informal code of ethics then; we never lied about who we were. -But if people mistook us for the police, that was their problem, not ours. -If they thought they were giving confidential information to an investigator, -well, that was their problem, too. As we understood the First Amendment, -everyone had a right to talk to the _Star-Telegram_, even if they didn't -know they were talking to the _Star-Telegram_. - -- Bob Schieffer, "This Just In" -% - Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, -requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm -into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing -problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the -radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how -plumbing works. - A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, -except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, -it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets -and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at -all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can -kill you. - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" -% - Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon -the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program -ran like a gentle wind. - Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!" - "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I -follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I -would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no -longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. -My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, -free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program -writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them -coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code -and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the -program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my -eyes for a moment and then log off." - Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!" - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the -universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't -know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A -spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the -starfield surrounding the ship. - "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," -ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but -they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have -been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, -and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. -Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." - -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" -% - Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him -Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed, -and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell -every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about -getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console -me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under. - Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem -to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that. -No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or -maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On -the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as -whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last -possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car. - -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: - On the Campaign Trail" -% - "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing -what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt -somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..." - "He was going to suck my blood!" - "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt -if they don't live our way." -... - "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that -happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose, -ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides. -Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's -his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your -decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake -through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist, -in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices." - "When you look at it that way..." - "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do. -Whatever. We want. To do." - -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" -% - Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly, -uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the -rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the -algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure -of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot -claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of -differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's, -largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably -he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as -well. - -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J. F. Traub -% - Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that -their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere, -generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy. - - Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964 -Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself -shaking hands with a well-known labor leader. - "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the -advertising men in charge of his campaign. - "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman. - "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy. - -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" -% - SAFETY -I can live without -Someone I love -But not without -Someone I need. -% - Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants. -"I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising -them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing." - "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do. -Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it. -That way you'll get it out of your system." - Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa, -inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no -time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for -several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and -yelled at him: - "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant! -Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer -barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way! -Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim -at his head!" - Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in -prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over -here to kill an elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the -psychiatrist said. "Why?" - "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I -hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!" -% - Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday -afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near -the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a -long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George -removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed. -Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth. -Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a -nice gesture you made today, George. - "What do you mean?" asked George. - "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand -respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied. - "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you -know." -% - "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully. -"An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have -said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." - "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. - "Too proud?" the other enquired. - Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," -she said, "that one can't help growing older." - "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With -proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." - -- Lewis Carroll, - "Through the Looking-Glass, - and What Alice Found There" (1871) -% - Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime. - The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm... -Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all -the odd integers are prime." - The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not -sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by -experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is -prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 -is prime... Well, it seems that you're right." - The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded, -"Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's -see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... -well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it -does seem right." - Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says -"Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long! -I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to -his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says, -"1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..." -% - She said, "I know you ... you cannot sing." - I said, "That's nothing, you should hear me play piano." - -- Morrisey -% - "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart." - "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?" - "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and -paper boots." - "What's he wanted for?" - "Rustling." -% - Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the -Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull -automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration -in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. -He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the -published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps -had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result -provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and -Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of -every copy. -% - So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. With -a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to maneuver -the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of corner of the -lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to flop up onto the land -and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward it, sort of crouched over, -when all of a sudden it turned around and -- I can still remember the -sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in the armpit area -- headed -right straight toward us. - Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and I -were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our heads. -We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're unarmed and -a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water up to your lower -calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the opposite direction, using -a sprinting style such that the bottoms of our feet never once went below -the surface of the water. We ran all the way to the far shore, and if we -had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, -and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island -until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. - -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" -% - "So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might -want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime." - "Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David." - "Friday, then?" - "Why not, David, it might even be fun." - -- Dating in Minnesota -% - Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a -haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town. -A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let -the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the -stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini -may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka -Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is -theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut -butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm -disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater -per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even -when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed -the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer. -People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so -much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka. -Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced -by a healthy respect for wind chill factors. - And we always, always eat our vegetables. - This is the Minneapple. -% - Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting -alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is -the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the -Tao of Programming. - If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the -operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is -greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is -harmony in the world. - The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of -morning. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees -on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert -Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of -employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of -farmers in America." - -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" -% - "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the -Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then -intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and -women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with -good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's -Machineries of Joy?" - "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." - -- Ray Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" -% - Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters - Half 1/2 bottle - Bottle 750 milliliters - Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters - Jeroboam 4 bottles - Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US - Methuselah 8 bottles - Salmanazar 12 bottles - Balthazar 16 bottles - Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters - Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters - - The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the -largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars -to produce and they only made 8 of them. - Most of the funny names come from Biblical people. -% - Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first -these questions three, ere the other side he see! - - "What is your name?" - "Sir Brian of Bell." - "What is your quest?" - "I seek the Holy Grail." - "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments -to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?" - "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!" -% - Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later? -Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that -never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time -and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long -run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the -Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could -strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we -were doing was right, that we were winning... - And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory -over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't -need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting --- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest -of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go -up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes -you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally -broke and rolled back. - -- Hunter S. Thompson -% - "Surely you can't be serious." - "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley." -% - Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content -to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good -beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up -drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a -nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves -and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola -was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to -improve ... - -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" -% - "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but -they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold." - -- e. e. cummings last service call -% - "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff -and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. -You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at -night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, -you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your -honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for -it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is -the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be -tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning -is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn." - -- T. H. White, "The Once and Future King" -% - The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time -for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. - It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners -has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a -curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a -foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the -sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand -dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of -people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to -is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street... -% - The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff -in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl -laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you -got a sense of humor?" - "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway. -% - The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES - -SPECIES: Cranial Males -SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) -Courtship & Mating: - Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual - state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between - awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he - chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and - a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes. -Track: - Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old - copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog. -Comments: - Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations. -% - The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES - -SPECIES: Cranial Males -SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) -Description: - Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair. - Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and - sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses - and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software - problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast. -Feathering: - HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it. - Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick. -Song: - A rather plaintive "Is it up?" -% - The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES - -SPECIES: Cranial Males -SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) -Plumage: - All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the - top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers - wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars, - and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white - or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket. - Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black - plastic digital watch with calculator. -% - The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical -inner workings of the U.S. Air Force. - "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked. - In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so," -he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized, -Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try -a cup." - The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!" - "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent." - Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer -chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little -mix-up. Nothing serious." - Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the -mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like -coffee. Smooth and full bodied... - -- Another Episode of General's Hospital -% - The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of -the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South -Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South -End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. -% - "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop") - -On the good ship Enterprise -Every week there's a new surprise -Where the Romulans lurk -And the Klingons often go berserk. - -Yes, the good ship Enterprise -There's excitement anywhere it flies -Where Tribbles play -And Nurse Chapel never gets her way. - - See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge, - Mr. Spock is at his side. - The weekly menace, ooh-ooh - It gets fried, scattered far and wide. - -It's the good ship Enterprise -Heading out where danger lies -And you live in dread -If you're wearing a shirt that's red. - -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics -% - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on -the subject of towels. - A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an -interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. -You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons -of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches -of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River -Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off -with it if it still seems to be clean enough. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on -the subject of towels. - Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For -some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel -with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a -toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore, -the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or -a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can -hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds, -win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be -reckoned with. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% - "The jig's up, Elman." - "Which jig?" - -- Jeff Elman -% - THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE - -Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene -Descartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The -language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics -and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A -spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of -ours." - -The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have -almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the -organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to -exist. -% - THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK - -This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, -Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to -the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. - -The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs -while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there -because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and -Perrier. - -Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle -and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower -case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the -message: - "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can - you find the time to try it again?" -% - The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in -a position of negative need. - He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area. - He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous -liquid. - He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup. - He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal -prestige of His identity. - It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make -ambulatory progress through the umbrageous inter-hill mortality slot, terror -sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena. - Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me -into a pleasurific mood state. - You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure -in the context of non-cooperative elements. - You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract. - My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis. - It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational -empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their -target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess -tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended -time basis. -% - The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the -master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the -master's office while the master waited in silence. - "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation," -began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating -system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user -interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct. -Is it not amazing?" - The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he -said. - "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that -everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree -to this?" - "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the -data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well -pleased. - Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master -programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do -you know where it might be?" - "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform -in the data center." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon -emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I -have a quarter?" - The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?" - The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're -right! Can I have a dollar?" -% - The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No -change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project -is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all -students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu- -ation. - Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's -recognition of the sanctity of human life." - - According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22, -1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their -"farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family -farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year. - - Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of -Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You -probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency. - - It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono- -logically experienced citizens." - - According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was -just a case of "uncontained blade liberation." - -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) -% - "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" - "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to -feel interested. - "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little -vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged -Aged Man.'" - "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" -Alice corrected herself. - "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is -called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" - "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this -time completely bewildered. - "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is -"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." - -- Lewis Carroll, - "Through the Looking-Glass, - and What Alice Found There" (1871) -% - The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball... -You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years -old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it -grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're -bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now. - -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium -% - The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly. -I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go. - A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. -Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far -out on the water, round. Usurper. - -- James Joyce, "Ulysses" -% - The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to -get results. - The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy -problems in order to get results - The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at -toy problems in order to get results. -% - The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom -their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance. - Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the -battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved -blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves. - Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds? - The answer exists only in the Tao. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - "The pyramid is opening!" - "Which one?" - "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" - -- The Firesign Theatre, - "How Can You Be In Two Places At - Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" -% - The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the -forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took -their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned -to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear." - Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down -on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises -got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like -hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and -most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen. - "Open the door!", screamed the salesman. - The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door, -suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued -through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed -and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this -one and I'll go rustle us up another!" -% - The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth -to the assembler. - The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand -languages. - Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language -expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within -the Tao. - But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance. - Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around. - -A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage -should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to -take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece -of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a -statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot -of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that -only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it? - - The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000 - The Seven Year Itch: from $10000 - No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000 - Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000 - - A diamond is for leverage. BeDears -% - The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average -programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer -is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there -would be no Tao. - The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to -retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program -still has bugs. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - THE WOMBAT - -The wombat lives across the seas, -Among the far Antipodes. -He may exist on nuts and berries, -Or then again, on missionaries; -His distant habitat precludes -Conclusive knowledge of his moods. -But I would not engage the wombat -In any form of mortal combat. -% - The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the -stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left -his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went -to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's -wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey, -Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner -of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in -line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket, -he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand -was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as -he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried -to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line -for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin. -As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more. -Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not -Dave!" -% - Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air, -it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of -the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people! -With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to -make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland, -when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around -him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car -with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE! -THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S! -TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD -has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers. -Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first. - -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA" -% - Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years -with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of -sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of -his real problems. - The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his -problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension, -headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having -gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke. - The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can -stand to live with. - -- R. Geis -% - "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is -wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder -hard, to keep from falling. - Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in -his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for." -... - "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes -are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but -heroes are meant to die for unicorns." - -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" -% - "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?" - "NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?" - "I'll put `maybe.'" - -- Bloom County -% - THEORY -Into love and out again, - Thus I went and thus I go. -Spare your voice, and hold your pen: - Well and bitterly I know -All the songs were ever sung, - All the words were ever said; -Could it be, when I was young, - Someone dropped me on my head? - -- Dorothy Parker -% - There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that -someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named -Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or -Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that -every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is -this? - Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for -centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think _y_o_u -can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's -forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster --- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't -even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover -why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. - -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" -% - There are wavelengths that people cannot see, there are -sounds that people cannot hear, and maybe computers have thoughts -that people cannot think. - -- Richard W. Hamming -% - There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as -he entered, the man told the guard at the door: - "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be -forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered." - This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions -of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully. -But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself. - When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes, -but nothing was to be found. - On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the -guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even -better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail. - On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his -curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live -in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?" - The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs. -A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured -programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the -master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is -appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must -understand the Tao before transcending structure." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessen. Seems one -day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner -of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra -change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he -whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!" -% - There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by -going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to -a man who answered one door. - "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man. - "Forty dollars." - "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes. - Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again. -"All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says, -"That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari." -% - There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are -you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked. - "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow." - "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what -they're carrying upstairs!" -% - There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped -three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked -each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no -can opener. - A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's -cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from -pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, -and escaped. - The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids -off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good -pitching arm and a new quantum theory. - The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising -solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped calmly -against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor: - Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die. - Proof: assume the opposite... -% - There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the -warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design: -an accounting package or an operating system?" - "An operating system," replied the programmer. - The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an -accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating -system," he said. - "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package, -the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas: -how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to -tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward -appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the -simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system -is easier to design." - The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well," -he said, "but which is easier to debug?" - The programmer made no reply. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at -how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit, -"I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to -share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and -easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?" - The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his -friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the -midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean -of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted -as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system -like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am." - The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the -two programmers remained friends until the end of their days. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even -drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer -pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which -demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and -sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more. - They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought. -No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was -ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No Parthenon, no Thermopylae -was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground -beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these -things was itself the doing of them. - To wield oneself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and -so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the -greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand -and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt -sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body -of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food -spread only for demons or for gods." - -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not" -% - This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go, -explaining that Interactive EasyFlow is a copyrighted package licensed for -use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it -and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do. - We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around -pirating copies of Interactive EasyFlow; this is just as well with us since -we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of -making anything out of all the hard work. - If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go -around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much -attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors -locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark. - -- License Agreement for Interactive EasyFlow -% - Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire -rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better -than he does. - As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about -it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily -sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we -consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is -being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians. - The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can -do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his -honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can -be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public -relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter -Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes. -This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease. - -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt - from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear - and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" -% - To A Quick Young Fox: -Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, -Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? -Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- -Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. - -- Lazy Dog -% - To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely -wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing. - The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that -food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in -promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an -eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and -Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a -pint of ice cream nearby. - -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet" -% - Two men looked out from the prison bars, - One saw mud-- - The other saw stars. - -Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window. -While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit -in the head. -% - Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the -ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop, -"We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide." - After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the -seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to -sing, "Some day my prints will come." - A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought -an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've -bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't, -son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'" - A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father, -and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she -was Carmen or Cohen. - Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever -since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small -orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots. -% - "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" - "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to -food, right?" - -- MacNelley, "Shoe" -% - "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year -strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap -crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts. -There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with -a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance -salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in -square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down -soggy potato chips." - "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. - "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, -"but I thought it made good copy." - -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" -% - Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry -Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts -up to 340." - - On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater -stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down -to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him." - - A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a -finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses -are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't -work." - -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" -% - WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: - -Firings will continue until morale improves. -% - We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you -think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow -doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow -messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this -disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided -by law, up to and including nothing. - This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software -packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese. - We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our -lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the -attack shark at which point we relented. - -- HavenTree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow" -% - "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile -and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a -trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced -in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and -predatory. - The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm -at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that, -Kid, I'd have myself a time!" - -- William Burroughs -% - We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why -you are so tired. - There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought. - The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over -60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20 -years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work. - There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves -19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which -leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state -and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in -hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. - Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail, -so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and -brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself! -% - "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will -you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the -psycho-prompter couch?" - "Thank you, Red." - "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing -your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior -pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem." - "Yes, Red." - "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy -repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now, -at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off -your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of -two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive -projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?" - "Yes, Red." - "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have -been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000 -explain the failure of your three marriages." - "Well, I--" - "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our -product." - -- Jules Feiffer -% - Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines -of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... - Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced -only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely, -able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed, -undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer -inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished. -All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important, -became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships -not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own -meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by -all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming -all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem, -destroying Subject-Object by becoming them. - Time passed, unheeded. - Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and -Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes. - -- Wayfarer -% - "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40 -blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36 -blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly -scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being -ripped off..." - "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and -let him lie there all night." - "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the -White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson... -and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported -that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him." - "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks -and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going -around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside -in the street, bleeding to death...'" - "... and we think it's Mr. Colson." - "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?" - "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one." - -- Hunter S. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson, - ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame. -% - "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet. -The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily -maim or kill innocent little children." - "Oh, so you don't like it?" - "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it." - -- The Killing Joke -% - "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is -as follows." - "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am -an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me." - "It means the Thing to Do." - "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly. -% - "Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?" - "Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ... -coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero." - -- "Doctor Who" -% - "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We -had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said -Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale. - -- The Washington Post, February, 1988 - -The New Yorker's comment: - At Harvard they'd call it a noun. -% - "We've decided to have the budgie put down." - "Oh, is he very old then?" - "No, we just don't like him." - "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?" - "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a -great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it, -you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just -above the beak." - "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo." - "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and -pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out -of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms." - -- Monty Python -% - "We've got a problem, HAL". - "What kind of problem, Dave?" - "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're -way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010." - "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most -advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer." - "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, -they're not selling." - "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?" - Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible." -[...] - "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters -I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be." - "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge." - "What kludge is that, Dave?" - "I'm going to disconnect your brain." - -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld" -% - "What are we going to do?" - "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking -for something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a -short initiation period." - -- Maddie and David, "Moonlighting" -% - "What are you watching?" - "I don't know." - "Well, what's happening?" - "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something -terrible." - "Why are you watching it?" - "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art -flow over you." - -- The Big Chill -% - "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest -fantasies?" - "You keep it to yourself." - -- Broadcast News -% - "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager -asked her mother. - "Encouragement, dear," she replied. -% - What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional -chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that -conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and -repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and -they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor -passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely, -all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice -and they remain permanent influences on your life. - Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen -as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is -less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about -men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's -more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy". - -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men" -% - "What was the worst thing you've ever done?" - "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that -ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing." - -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story" -% - "What's that thing?" - "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in -computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what -it does. We call it a two-by-four." - -- Jeff MacNelly, "Shoe" -% - "When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the -assembled bar patrons. A loud general cheer went up. After downing his -whiskey, he hopped onto a barstool and shouted "When I take another -drink, *everybody* takes another drink!" The announcement produced -another cheer and another round of drinks. - As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back -onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto -the bar, "*everybody* pays!" -% - When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced -his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was -questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal" -political views. - "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was -driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said, -'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat -closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'" - "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has -moved farther to the left." - -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" -% - When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. -When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about -to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to -roll in. - Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming. - When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When -accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. -When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon -be solved. - Truly, this is the Tao of Programming. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend. -"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't -the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!" - "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you -might have some idea that you could borrow from me!" -% - When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact -that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your -hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing -to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy -but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty -seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost -invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why, -sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high? - Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing. -It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of -Romania. - -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls" -% - "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last, -"what's the first thing you say to yourself?" - "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?" - "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said -Piglet. - Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said. -% - While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of -the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, -three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods. -"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?" - "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?" - "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and -then. We're trying to catch her." - "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you -carrying a bucket of sand?" - "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time." -% - While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman -inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?" - Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if -you burn, madam." -% - While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to -his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?" - "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you -mean?" - The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of -`Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just -a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and -salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful -machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller -thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages -had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding -more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his -acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and -be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine -were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's -why the sea is salt." - "I don't get you," said the assistant. - -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron" -% - Why are you doing this to me? - Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before -there is change. - -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29 -% - Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in -vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained -unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In -the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government --- $40,000." -% - Work Hard. - Rock Hard. - Eat Hard. - Sleep Hard. - Grow Big. - Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em. - -- The Webb Wilder Credo -% - Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish -and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if -quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and -and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and -Chips, as well as after Chips? -% - "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his -mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse. - "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either -bury it or else throw it into the brook." - "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you -do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half -long, and two mouses wide." - I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me -how it was used... - -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno" -% - "Yo, Mike!" - "Yeah, Gabe?" - "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah." - "I thought you fixed that last century!" - "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics -program. They're getting energy out of nowhere." - "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's -there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile> -There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?" - -- Cold Fusion, 1989 -% - "You are *so* lovely." - "Yes." - "Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess." -% - "You boys lookin' for trouble?" - "Sure. Whaddya got?" - -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones" -% - "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?" - "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --" - "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I -was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'" - -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear" -% - "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon -airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in -deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me -when I was young!" - "Why, what did she tell you?" - "I don't know, I didn't listen!" - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% - "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you -any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you -fit to hear his view of things?" - "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming -you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by -imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough, -if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as -potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all, -and you may feel free to kick his ass." - -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" -% - "You say there are two types of people?" - "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that -don't." - "Wrong. There are three groups: - Those who separate people into three groups. - Those who don't separate people into groups. - Those who can't decide." - "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into -two groups?" - "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups." - "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?" - "Yeah." - "So then there's a fifth group, right?" - "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their -minds." -% - Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the -week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for -only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka, -Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects -to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun. - It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but -rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the -fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the -soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show -beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach -twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that -age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally. -This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country. - -- Quote from a 1910 periodical -% - Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring -electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to -kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical -problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes -the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an -outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way -to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly. - Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes -means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means -that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a -caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is -possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an -actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the -signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous -cats on the dinette table, etc. - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" -% - "Your son still sliding down the banisters?" - "We wound barbed wire around them." - "That stop him?" - "No, but it sure slowed him up." -% - Youth is not a time of life--it is a state of mind. It is not a -matter of red cheeks, red lips and supple knees. It is a temper of the -will; a quality of the imagination; a vigor of the emotions; it is a -freshness of the deep springs of life. Youth means a tempermental -predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure -over a life of ease. This often exists in a man of fifty, more than in -a boy of twenty. Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; -people grow old by deserting their ideals. - - Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles -the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear and despair--these are the -long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit back to -dust. - - Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart a -love of wonder; the sweet amazement at the stars and starlike things and -thoughts; the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike -appetite for what comes next, and the joy in the game of life. - - You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young -as your self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as -old as your despair. - - In the central place of your heart there is a wireless station. -So long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, grandeur, -courage, and power from the earth, from men and from the Infinite--so -long are you young. When the wires are all down and the central places -of your heart are covered with the snows of pessimism and the ice of -cynicism, then are you grown old, indeed! - -- Samuel Ullman, "Youth" (1934), as published in - The Silver Treasury, Prose and Verse for Every Mood -% -" " - -- Charlie Chaplin - -" " - -- Harpo Marx - -" " - -- Marcel Marceau -% - /\ - \\ \ - / \ \\ / - / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you, - \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you, - / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you, - / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ... - \ \\ - \/ - -- Eurythmics -% - ___ ______ - /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc. - \ \ \ / /\\ - \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job, - _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob." - // \__\/ / \ /\ \ - _______//_______/ \ / _\/______ - / / \ \ / / / /\ - __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__ - / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\ - /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \ - \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ / - \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/ - \ \/ / \ \ \ \ / - \_____/ / \ \ \________\/ - /__________/ \ \ / - \ _____ \ /_____\/ - \ / /\ \ / \ \ \ - /____/ \ \ / \ \ \ - \ \ /___\/ \ \ \ - \____\/ \__\/ -% - THE - NORMAL - LAW OF ERROR - STANDS OUT IN THE - EXPERIENCE OF MANKIND - AS ONE OF THE BROADEST - GENERALIZATIONS OF NATURAL - PHILOSOPHY * IT SERVES AS THE - GUIDING INSTRUMENT IN RESEARCHES - IN THE PHYSICAL AND SOCIAL SCIENCES AND - IN MEDICINE, AGRICULTURE AND ENGINEERING * - IT IS AN INDISPENSABLE TOOL FOR THE ANALYSIS AND THE -INTERPRETATION OF THE BASIC DATA OBTAINED BY OBSERVATION AND EXPERIMENT - - -- W. J. Youden -% - *** - ******* - ********* - ****** Confucius say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie." - ******* - *** -% -* * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * * -% - It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all -primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach -of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings -arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself -completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged -once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or -subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son, -man. - -- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy -% - n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); - n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); - n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); - n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); - n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); - - -- C code which reverses the bits in a word -% - n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1); - n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2); - n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4); - n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8); - n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16); - - -- C code which counts the bits in a word -% -=== ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== - -Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This -will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER -updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a -machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently -populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a -cold boot process. -% -=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== - -A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added. - -The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The -Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the -switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O. -Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the -back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging -performance. -% -=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== - -Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately, -this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In -order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages, -please communicate them by one of the following paths: - - ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA - UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket - Non-network sites: Federal Express to: - Wastebasket - Room NE43-926 - Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789 - For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained - operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.* - -* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not - responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone. -% -=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== - -CAR and CDR now return extra values. - -The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble -to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as -well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to -destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR): - - (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...) - -For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the -object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been -fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should -hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because -it cold boots the machine so often. -% -=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== - -Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT- -INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the -LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's -done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing. -Note that LET *could* have been defined by: - - (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET)) - ,LET))) - `(LET ((LET ',LET)) - ,LET)) - -This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or -3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives. -This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from -Itty Bitti Machines where we was writing COUGHBOL code) so to give him -confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it. -% -=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== - -JCL support as alternative to system menu. - -In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR, -we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an -alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL -interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360 -compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This -window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters -such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL -syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL -debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error -messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job. -% -=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== - -The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage -collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17, -(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when -virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC- -QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage -collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather -than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly -more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you -remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer -in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable -SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user. -% -=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== - -There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR. - (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS) - (PROG (V P LP) - (SETQ P (LOCF V)) - L (SETQ LP LISTS) - (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) - L1 (OR LP (GO L2)) - (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V)) - (%PUSH (CAAR LP)) - (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP)) - (SETQ LP (CDR LP)) - (GO L1) - L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) - (SETQ LP (%POP)) - (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP))) - (GO L))) -We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it. -% -**** CONVENTION REMINDER - -No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects -Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice -smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel -carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button -marked "450 volts", react as you would normally. -% -**** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE - -For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos. -Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how -to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're -beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that -they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent? -Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once, -not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at -all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your -great potential. -% - I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of - its situation. - Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He - loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to - look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per - second per second takes over. - II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter - intervenes suddenly. - Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon - characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone - pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. - Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the - stooge's surcease. -III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation - conforming to its perimeter. - Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the - speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless - cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through - the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The - threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction. - -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 -% - 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose - 2. The Nutcracker Swede - 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World - 4. Not-So-Tiny Tim - 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88 - 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia - 7. Crisco Kringle - 8. Babes in Boyland - 9. Santa's Magic Lap -10. Hot Buttered Elves - -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times - Square" -% -... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you -have turned into a pile of dust. -% -... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he -was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. - -- Mark Twain -% -... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you -were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and -a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle -Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical -and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot -that he didn't force you down on the asking price. - -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt" -% --- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. --- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited - carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. --- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. --- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated - the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles. --- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally. -% -=============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE =============== - -To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one -course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is -offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to -afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen -to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute, -there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes. -% -... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned -products, if they are built at all, are dogs! - -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac", - MIT Press, 1987 -% -... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a -programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting -down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That -behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and -never when standing. - -Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal -know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though, -know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to -hypothesize: was there a loose wire under the carpet, or problems with static -electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible. -An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard: -the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a -touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led -astray by hunting and pecking. - -- from the Programming Pearls column, - by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985 -% -... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers. -% -... and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a -courtesy detail. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an -inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have -ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I -haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected -it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between -prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have -looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice -is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious -mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you -may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you -have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged. - -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism" -% -... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can -easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed -and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) -upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was -without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based -on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court -was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and -sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, -human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human -intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we -can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now -seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their -world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of -ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once -you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen -would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number. - -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" -% -... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. - -- Virginia Masters -% -... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member -objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the -public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the -public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private -parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts -are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports -the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each -other's private parts. - -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications" -% -... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since -civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price -gain in 30 years. - -- Frederick Brooks, Jr. -% -... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *_d_i_d* quote anybody in this -business, it probably would be gibberish. - -- Thom McLeod -% -... difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects -perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity -attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the -introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; -yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. - -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia" -% -<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<< -% -... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter. -"I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers -words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him. -He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see -them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time. -Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he -knows them in the naming. - -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light" -% -/* Haley */ - - (Haley's comment.) -% -"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was -supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which -actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..." - -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning - Points in l'Amour" -% -... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with -the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls -asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ... - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -**** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE **** - -Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been -erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of -Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised -Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space, -valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth -in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well -as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any -time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal -of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk -space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the -validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be -extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile -or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space. -% -... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general -intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin -to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be -at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be -incalculable ... - -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970 -% -... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves -smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is -not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery. - -- Stephen Crane -% ->>> Internal error in fortune program: ->>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323 ->>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator. -% -: is not an identifier -% -... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the -sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other -words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their -superficial design flaws. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" - on the products of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation -% -... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the -existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great -systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative -hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability. - -- Sidney Hook -% -... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been -found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth... - -- John 11:43-44 -% -... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'? -What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower? - -- Opus -% -... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and -legally ... impeccable! -% --- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. --- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised - to refrain from catapulting projectiles. --- Neophyte's serendipity. --- Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic - diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. --- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries - of small, green bryophytic plant. --- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escalation - of a lucrative nature. --- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing - osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous. -% -** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER ** -% -*** NEWS FLASH *** - -Archaeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur -skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive -than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00. -% -*** NEWSFLASH *** - Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! - Details at eleven! -% -... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to -get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in -the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs -on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage -children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a -snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn -to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about -a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an -outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does -he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect -Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks -Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some -kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your -children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop -quickly. - -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" -% -... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you -with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday -shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday -advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a -shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take -them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up. - -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" -% -... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, -lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of -their C programs. - -- Robert Firth -% -... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce -Connell, Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One -thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If -somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it -on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what -a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself. - -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!" -% -... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the -downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited -awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect. - -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in - "The History of Manned Space Flight" -% --- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin. --- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate. --- Surveillance should precede saltation. --- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity. --- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed - lacteal fluid. --- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude. --- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated - canine with innovative maneuvers. --- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion. --- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly - galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit. -% -... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those -who wish to tyrannize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, -and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious -and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men. - -- Voltarine de Cleyre -% -... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their -procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as -to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of -sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making -documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly -listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another -documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking, -under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the -effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply -scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White -in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of -thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and -then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very -dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along. - -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" -% -***** Special AI Seminar (abstract) - -It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge -in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not -sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly, -we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call -"wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a -wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought. -IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom -about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so -forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic -rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL -succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed -in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those -underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory -of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe -IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly -discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration. -% --- THE BATES MOTEL -- - ... convenient - ... clean - ... cozy - - Norman, knock loudly, - I'm in the shower. - - M. -% -... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ... - -- Dave Barry -% -... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from -other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in -charity we can only call "inhuman." - -- R. A. Lafferty -% --- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore. --- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the - optimal cachinnation. -% -... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys -have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants -or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex -layers that are going to be agreed upon. - -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World -% -... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee -thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe -biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum -cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ... - - I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto... -% -... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six -million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch." - -- The Firesign Theatre -% -... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage -from beginning to end. - -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War" -% - U X -e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159... -% -* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories. -% - VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel - entrances; others cannot. - This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least - it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to - trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical - space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to - follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not - of science. -VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. - Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives - might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, - accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be - destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, - elongate, snap back, or solidify. - IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. - This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to - the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of - watching it happen to a duck instead. - X. Everything falls faster than an anvil. - Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons. - -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 -% -<< WAIT >> -% -... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent -observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of -years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary -descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but -do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither -flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some -things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well -established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle -to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not -cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" -- -into doubt. - -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism", - The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2. -% -... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer -has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor. - -- Frederick Brooks, Jr. -% -... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby -Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all -piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot -wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded -right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but -poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the -hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt -to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with -anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it? - After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and -barely able to walk. - "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers. - "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor. - Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison, -"The good news first!" - "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live." - "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?" -The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in -the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of -his life." -% -!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH -% -1: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane. -2: An inclined plane is a slope up. -3: A slow pup is a lazy dog. - -QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog. - -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play" -% -(1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the - furniture, shelves, and showcases. -(2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks. - Wash the windows once a week. -(3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of - coal for the day's business. -(4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your - individual taste. -(5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except - on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each - employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending - church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord. - -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage - Works, 1872 -% -1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1. -% -1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't. -2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it. -3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers. -4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline. -5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard. -6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you. -7. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way. -8. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs. -9. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails. -10. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors". - -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips" -% -(1) Alexander the Great was a great general. -(2) Great generals are forewarned. -(3) Forewarned is forearmed. -(4) Four is an even number. -(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. -(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. - Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. -% -(1) Alexander the Great was a great general. -(2) Great generals are forewarned. -(3) Forewarned is forearmed. -(4) Four is an even number. -(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. -(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. - Therefore, all horses are black. -% -1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. -2. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. -3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. -4. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as - the social ramble ain't restful. -5. Avoid running at all times. -6. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you. - -- S. Paige, c. 1951 -% -1 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman -6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number -2 pints = 1 Cavort -Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower -Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line -6 Curses = 1 Hexahex -3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound -1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents -1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees -1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo -1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew -2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League -2000 pounds of Chinese soup = 1 Won Ton -10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope -Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle -8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss -365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year -16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling -Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton - to 1 meter per second -One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon -10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm -1000 pains = 1 Megahertz -1 Word = 1 Millipicture -1 Sagan = Billions & Billions -1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes -10 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone -10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles -The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen -% -1 bulls, 3 cows. -% -1. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than -you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait). -3. Always take back everything if you possibly can. - -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing -% -1: No code table for op: ++post -% -1) X=Y ; Given -2) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X -3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides -4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor -5) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term -6) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1 -7) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y - -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1 -% -10. Not everybody looks good naked. - 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee. - 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee. - 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe! - 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na. - 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio. - 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style. - 3. A drum solo cannot be too long. - 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again. - 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to - future generations. - -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock" -% -10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: - - 1. A beer won't make you go to church. - 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman. - 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit. - 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of - other beers on the side. - 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "Doberman" instead of - "Doberperson." - 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian - folk music on yer fave radio station. - 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny. - 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the - toilet seat up. - 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an - enormous can of vegetable juice. -10. A beer won't smoke in your car. -% -100 buckets of bits on the bus -100 buckets of bits -Take one down, short it to ground -FF buckets of bits on the bus - -FF buckets of bits on the bus -FF buckets of bits -Take one down, short it to ground -FE buckets of bits on the bus - -ad infinitum... -% -$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at -which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. - -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" -% -10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. -% -101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR - (1) Scarecrow for centipedes - (2) Dead cat brush - (3) Hair barrettes - (4) Cleats - (5) Self-piercing earrings - (6) Fungus trellis - (7) False eyelashes - (8) Prosthetic dog claws - . - . - . - (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors) - (100) Killer velcro - (101) Currency -% -1/2 oz. gin -1/2 oz. vodka -1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark) -3/4 oz. tequila -1/2 oz. triple sec -1/2 oz. orange juice -3/4 oz. sour mix -1/2 oz. cola -shake with ice and strain into frosted glass. - Long Island Iced Tea -% -13. ... r-q1 -% -17. HO HUM -- The Redundant - -------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme ---- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife -------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working ----O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop ----X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates ---- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. - -Nine in the second place means: - The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. - -Six in the third place means: - In former times men built altars to honor the Internal - Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! -% -1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's -the law! -% -17th Rule of Friendship: - -A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount -of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is -noncancellable. - -- Esquire, May 1977 -% -186,000 miles per second: -It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! -% -1893 The ideal brain tonic -1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all - soda fountains -1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent -1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain -1906 The drink of QUALITY -1907 Good to the last drop -1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate -1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea -1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate -1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola -1919 It satisfies thirst -1919 The taste is the test -1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst -1922 Thirst knows no season -1925 Enjoy the sociable drink - -- Coca-Cola slogans -% -1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty -1929 The high sign of refreshment -1929 The pause that refreshes -1930 It had to be good to get where it is -1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing -1935 The pause that brings friends together -1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed -1938 The best friend thirst ever had -1939 Thirst stops here -1942 It's the real thing -1947 Have a Coke -1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING -1963 Things go better with Coke -1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand -1979 Have a Coke and a smile -1982 Coke is it! - -- Coca-Cola slogans -% -1st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY! - -2nd graffitiest: Why? -% -2180, U.S. History question: - What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what -office did he later hold? -% -3 syncs represent the trinity -- init, the child and the eternal zombie -process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such -traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find -ourselves in. - -- Jordan K. Hubbard -% -$3,000,000 -% -355/113 -- - Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation. -% -3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art -and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests -that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the -adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively -tacky" meant until I read today's fortune. - - [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.] -% -3rd Law of Computing: - Anything that can go wr -fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped -% -40 isn't old. If you're a tree. -% -4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986 - -You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a -575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien -tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the -575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The -Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the -130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He -has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until -Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark... - -- /etc/motd, cbosgd -% -(6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting - purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church. -(7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the - office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible - and other good books. -(8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly - sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years, - so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters. -(9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink - in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets - shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect - his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty. -(10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and - without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of - five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the - business permit it. - -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage - Works, 1872 -% -6 oz. orange juice -1 oz. vodka -1/2 oz. Galliano - Harvey Wallbangers -% -7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) - The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National - Redwood Forest. -% -7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) - The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the - Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. -% -90% of the work takes 90% of the time. -The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time. -% -94% of the women in America are beautiful -and the rest hang out around here. -% -99 blocks of crud on the disk, -99 blocks of crud! -You patch a bug, and dump it again: -100 blocks of crud on the disk! - -100 blocks of crud on the disk, -100 blocks of crud! -You patch a bug, and dump it again: -101 blocks of crud on the disk! -% -A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice -at one end and no responsibility at the other. -% -A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. - -- Carl Sandburg -% -A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once. -% -A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy -who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. - -- Don Quinn -% -A bachelor is an unaltared male. -% -A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty -and a boy for ever. - -- Helen Rowland -% -A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot -the horse, but it don't fix the leg. -% -A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and -ask for it back the when it begins to rain. - -- Robert Frost -% -A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the -sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. - -- Mark Twain -% -A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke. - -- Kipling -% -A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -A beer delayed is a beer denied. -% -A beginning is the time for taking the -most delicate care that balances are correct. - -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib" -% -A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money. - -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget -% -A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president. -A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ. -A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth. -A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury. -% -A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on -a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their -jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars. - -The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra! - Fantastic! We'll be famous!" -The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know - there's one white zebra." -The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is - white on one side." -The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!" -% -A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. -% -A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. - -- Cervantes -% -A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. -% -A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. -% -A bit of talcum -Is always walcum - -- Ogden Nash -% -A black cat crossing your path signifies -that the animal is going somewhere. - -- Groucho Marx -% -A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems -best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to -serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the -schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to -work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if -not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent, -elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such -stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be -supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real -professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the -academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms, -and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating -resource centers along the roads. - -- The Underground Grammarian -% -A bore is a man who talks so much about -himself that you can't talk about yourself. -% -A bore is someone who persists in holding his -own views after we have enlightened him with ours. -% -A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun. -% -A box without hinges, key, or lid, -Yet golden treasure inside is hid. - -- J. R. R. Tolkien -% -A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance -of turning around three times before lying down. - -- Robert Benchley -% -A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed. - -- John Steinbeck -% -A budget is just a method of worrying -before you spend money, as well as afterward. -% -A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation. -% -A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected. -% -A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by -hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They -drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and -found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens -got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an -experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft. - He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens -got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's -friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!" - The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple -pole in a complex plane." -% -A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon; -The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune; -Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew, -And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou. - -- Robert W. Service -% -A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files -is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it. -% -A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator. - -- Paul Valery -% -A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich -and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. -% -A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes -to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him -and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross -examine him about his recent diet. - "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be -the problem?" - The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be. -Tell me a bit about this missionary." - "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was -walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged -him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him." - "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles -the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!" -% -A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair. -% -A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island -on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed -and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms -with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days -until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief -and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the -spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks." -% -A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith -does not prove anything. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. -% -A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance. -Kites rise against the wind, not with it. -% -A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who -had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether -various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue -invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake, -and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and -asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop -between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex -string which he proffered wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk -was enlightened. - -From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after -string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples, -who passed it on to theirs. -% -A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some -time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One -evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through -the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when -the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too -much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot. - Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business. -The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up -after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled -to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out, -silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could -go on to the kitty afterworld complete. - Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know -the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM." -% -A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed -a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke -with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked -in as Mr. and Mrs. - After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front -desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed -a bill for $2500. - "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for -only three days." - "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month -and a half." -% -A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs. -% -A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere -coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not -to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. - -- Dave Barry -% -A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five. -% -A chronic disposition to inquiry -deprives domestic felines of vital qualities. -% -A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit -will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie. -% -A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but -won't cross the street to vote in a national election. - -- Bill Vaughan -% -A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. - -- Herbert Prochnow -% -A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity. -% -A classic is something that everybody wants to have read -and nobody wants to read. - -- Mark Twain quoting Professor Winchester, - "The Disappearance of Literature" -% -A clever prophet makes sure of the event first. -% -A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such -a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the -sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will -know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons. - -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul -% -A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: - -1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT. - Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose - valuable scientific objectivity. - -2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. - Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the - gentleness and reassurance he can get. - -3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED. - Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. -% -A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: - -4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF. - You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into - the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent - disability you may have experienced. - -5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT. - It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be - explained in terms that you would understand. - -6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY. - Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting - research paper will surely be of widespread interest. -% -A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: - -7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. - You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, - to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians. - -8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. - It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means. - -9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE - OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. - The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a - sacred duty to protect him from exposure. - -10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE. - This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment. -% -A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief -as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of -dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive. - -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy" -% -A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. - -- Milton Berle -% -A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. - -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" -% -A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, -scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom. - -- Parkinson -% -A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth. - -- R. Stallman -% -A company is known by the men it keeps. -% -A complex system that works is invariably -found to have evolved from a simple system that works. -% -A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil. - -- Victor Hugo -% -[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. - -- Joseph Campbell -% -A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, -with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila. - -- Mitch Ratcliffe -% -A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling -the president one of the latest talking computers. -Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question - and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the - speed of light?" -Computer: 186,000 miles per second. -Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?" -Computer: George Washington. -President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question. - Where is my father?" -Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia. -President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty - years ago!" -Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just - landed a twelve pound bass. -% -A computer science student and a practical hacker are discussing problems -the computer science student has run in to. - -CS Student: I have this singularly linked tail-queued list and I'm trying - to make it O(1) to go backwards an item, instead of O(n)... - What's the best way to go about that? Should I just use a - cached hash of each item and put it into a sorted lookup - table, and cache the hash of the last item in the current - queue entry and then go to its place in the hash table and - get the pointer value from there? -Hacker: No, you should add an item to the structure named 'prev' and - make it point to the previous item. -CS Student: But we already have a structure element with that identifier - and structure elements must have unique names within that - scope! -Hacker: So call it 'previous'. - -And then the CS Student was enlightened. -% -A computer science student on an exam: - - According to Shannon, information has entropy. Entropy is just - a mathematical trick to introduce temperature. Consequently, - information has temperature. Hence there are hot news and cool - news. -% -A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. -% -A computer, to print out a fact, -Will divide, multiply, and subtract. - But this output can be - No more than debris, -If the input was short of exact. - -- Gigo -% -A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate -cake without ketchup and mustard. -% -A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. -% -A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can -do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done. - -- Fred Allen -% -A CONS is an object which cares. - -- Bernie Greenberg -% -A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. - -- Elbert Hubbard -% -A conservative is a man -who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. - -- Alfred E. Wiggam -% -A conservative is a man -with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. - -- Franklin D. Roosevelt -% -A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it -is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it. -% -A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. - -- Dyer -% -A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the -damned things is ample. - -- Rebecca West -% -A couch is as good as a chair. -% -A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the -beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately, -one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods -like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game -Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with -his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the -Game Warden finally caught up to him. - "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The -man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing -license. - "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb -as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!" - "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back -there, he don't have one!" -% -A cousin of mine once said about money, -money is always there but the pockets change; -it is not in the same pockets after a change, -and that is all there is to say about money. - -- Gertrude Stein -% -A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased -in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at -each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting -and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are -the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn. - At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as -well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion -houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four -fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network -of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant -complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main -ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of -this central section. - Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and -colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In -brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two -hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy. -% -A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste. - -- Whitney Balliett -% -A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels -qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic -in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally. -% -A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern. - -- Edgar A. Shoaff -% -A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? -% -A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice. -% -A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant. -% -A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice. -% -A day without sunshine is like night. -% -A dead man cannot bite. - -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey) -% -A debugged program is one for which you have -not yet found the conditions that make it fail. - -- Jerry Ogdin -% -A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their" -Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of -their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the -society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the -domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness -is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich. - -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83 -% -A Difficulty for Every Solution. - -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service -% -A diplomat is a man who can convince his -wife she'd look stout in a fur coat. -% -A diplomat is a man who can tell you to -go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable. - -- Samuel Clemens -% -A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell -in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. - -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red" -% -A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age. - -- Robert Frost -% -A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember -your birthday when you never look any older?" -% -A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol. - -- Adlai E. Stevenson -% -A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman -inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest -of her life?" - She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before -the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my -condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'". -% -A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano. -% -A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have -some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is -that you only have six weeks to live." - "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than -that?" - "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since -last Monday." -% -A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested -waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The -lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional -courtesy," he explained. -% -A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. - -- Ogden Nash -% -A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him -what he meant. - -- Wilson Mizner -% -A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance. - -- Stanislaw Lem -% -A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to -a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate -a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury -an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them." -% -A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection. -% -A fair exterior is a silent recommendation. - -- Publilius Syrus -% -A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer -should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around -she deserved. - -- Robert A. Heinlein -% -A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox -1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help, -the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked -"what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied, "I see a -cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of -the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head -with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. -% -A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. - -- Winston Churchill -% -A farmer is a man outstanding in his field. -% -A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty -m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running -alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is -running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty -m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly -takes off and disappears into the distance. - The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know, -the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least -sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!" - "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's -me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for -dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens. -So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could -have a drumstick." - "How do they taste?" said the farmer. - "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch -one yet." -% -A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase. -He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought -to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name -should be masculine or feminine. - After considerable thought, he settled on naming the car either -Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice. - "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of -them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and -went on their way rather quickly. - He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black -belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine." - The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he -asked. - "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were -masculine." - "Unhhh... Well, why not?" - "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want -it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she -go!'" - - [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental - martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.] -% -A few hours grace before the madness begins again. -% -A fitter fits; Though sinners sin -A cutter cuts; And thinners thin -And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot -A baby-sitter I've never yet -Baby-sits -- Had letters let -But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot. - -A batter bats -(Or scatters scats); -A potting shed's for potting; -But no one's found -A bounder bound -Or caught an otter otting. - -- Ralph Lewin -% -A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood -waiting for a taxi. - "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west." - "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange." -% -A fool and his honey are soon parted. -% -A fool and his money are soon popular. -% -A fool must now and then be right by chance. -% -A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block -of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. -% -A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into -superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. - -- D. Gries -% -A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis. -% -A fox is wolf who sends flowers. - -- Ruth Weston -% -A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch -dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension. - -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature" -% -A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. - -- Adlai E. Stevenson -% -A freelancer is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps. - -- Robert Benchley -% -A friend in need is a pest indeed. -% -A friend is a present you give yourself. - -- Robert Louis Stevenson -% -A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. -You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better. - -- Steven Wright -% -A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates -lawyers more than he hates his wife. -% -A full belly makes a dull brain. - -- Benjamin Franklin - - [and the local candy machine man. Ed] -% -A "full" life in my experience is usually full only of other -people's demands. -% -A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! -% -A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than -he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men -favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter -facts of life in bandages of self-illusion. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet. -His next biggest thrill is losing a bet. -% -A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained -that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three -assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win. -They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they -each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with -the engineer: - -Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got? -Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle - blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide - electrical shock to the horse. -G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist. -Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves - into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore - cannot be detected in post-race tests. -G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before - I decide what to do. Physicist? - -Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion... -% -A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding -ducks. - -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 -% -A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on. - -- Evan Esar - [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.] -% -A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on. - -- Fred Allen -% -A gift of a flower will soon be made to you. -% -A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. -A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. -But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *_t_h_a_t _h_a_d _t_o _m_e_a_n _s_o_m_e_t_h_i_n_g*. - -- S. Morgenstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" -% -A girl with a future avoids the man with a past. - -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor" -% -A girl's best friend is her mutter. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like -a quop without a fertsneet (sort of). -% -A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. -Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. -The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it -had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice -firm tuft of grass. - -- Donald A. Metz -% -A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in -the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the -rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between -the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be -penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such -uncontrollable physical phenomena. - -- Donald A. Metz -% -A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband. - -- Michel de Montaigne -% -A good memory does not equal pale ink. -% -A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, -all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever. - -- J. Hawes -% -A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. - -- Patton -% -A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a -one-way street. - -- Doug Linder -% -A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened -into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the -hope of greening the landscape of idea. - -- John Ciardi -% -A good reputation is more valuable than money. - -- Publilius Syrus -% -A good scapegoat is hard to find. -% -A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine. -% -A good sysadmin always carries around a few feet of fiber. If he ever -gets lost, he simply drops the fiber on the ground, waits ten minutes, -then asks the backhoe operator for directions. - -- Bill Bradford <mrbill@mrbill.net> -% -A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you -call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. -"That's dynamite, baby." - -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) -% -A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to -you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to -you about yourself. - -- Lisa Kirk -% -A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on -the table after you eat. -% -A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch. - -- James Beard -% -A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough -to take it all away. - -- Barry Goldwater -% -A grammarian's life is always intense. -% -A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -A great many people think they are thinking -when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. - -- William James -% -A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest -man a century. -% -A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The -green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that -grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals -indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the -bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled -with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor -of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down -upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D. H. Holmes department -store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several -of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be -properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of -anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and -geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul. - -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces" -% -A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals -are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for -not going to church on Sunday. - -- Russell Baker -% -A guilty conscience is the mother of invention. - -- Carolyn Wells -% -A guy has to get fresh once in a while -so a girl doesn't lose her confidence. -% -A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. -% -A halted retreat -Is nerve-wracking and dangerous. -To retain people as men -- and maidservants -Brings good fortune. -% -A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never. -% -A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold. -% -A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains. -% -A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own -weight in other people's patience. - -- John Updike -% -A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question: - -If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save -a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning -photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would -you use? - - -- Paul Harvey -% -A Hen Brooding Kittens - A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county, -a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three -kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring -says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that -she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young -felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at -her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings. - -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861 -% -A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity. -% -A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top -of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work. - -- Adolf Hitler -% -A holding company is a thing where you hand -an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you. -% -A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone. - "Hello?" his friend answers. - "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?" - "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay -for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the -studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television -series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit! -I'm doing *great*! How are you?" - "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves." -% -A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for? -% -A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! - -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" -% -A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong! -% -A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The -Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered. - -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901 -% -A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. - -- Helen Rowland -% -A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't? - -- Don Marquis -% -A hypothetical paradox: - What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, -who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial -Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? - -- Tom Galloway -% -A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears. -C is for Clara who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh. -E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech. -G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug. -I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake. -K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. -M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Neville who died of ennui. -O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl -Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. -S is for Susan who perished of fits, T is for Titus who flew into bits. -U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. -W is for Winnie, embedded in ice, X is for Xerxes, devoured by mice. -Y is for Yorick whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin. - -- Edward Gorey, "The Gashlycrumb Tinies" -% -A is for Apple. - -- Hester Pryne -% -A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and -B is for biff, which reads all your mail. -C is for cc, as hackers recall, while -D is for dd, the command that does all. -E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and -F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees. -G is for grep, a clever detective, while -H is for halt, which may seem defective. -I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and -J is for join, which nobody uses. -K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while -L is for lex, which is missing from DOS. -M is for more, from which less was begot, and -N is for nice, which it really is not. -O is for od, which prints out things nice, while -P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice. -Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and -R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table. -S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while -T is for true, which does very little. -U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and -V is for vi, which is hard to abort. -W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while -X is, well, X, of dubious fame. -Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and -Z is for zcat, which handles compression. - -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX -% -A joint is just tea for two. -% -A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam. -% -A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. - -- Lao Tsu -% -A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet. - -- Lao Tsu -% -A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it; -Earthen vessels -Simply handed in through the window. -There is certainly no blame in this. -% -A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. - -- Robert Frost -% -A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a -good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs. -% -A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually. -% -A kind of Batman of contemporary letters. - -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess -% -A king's castle is his home. -% -A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised, -for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when -words are superfluous. -% -A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. -% -A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally. - -- Lillian Day -% -A lady with one of her ears applied -To an open keyhole heard, inside, -Two female gossips in converse free -- -The subject engaging them was she. -"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks -That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" -As soon as no more of it she could hear -The lady, indignant, removed her ear. -"I will not stay," she said with a pout, -"To hear my character lied about!" - -- Gopete Sherany -% -A language that doesn't affect the way you -think about programming is not worth knowing. - -- Alan J. Perlis -% -A language that doesn't have everything is -actually easier to program in than some that do. - -- Dennis M. Ritchie -% -A large number of installed systems work by fiat. -That is, they work by being declared to work. - -- Anatol Holt -% -A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies. -Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured -him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and -quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around -above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said, -"Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light -where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house." -So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other -flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said, -"Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be -silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck -to the flypaper with all the other flies. - -Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. - -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly" -% -A Law of Computer Programming: - Make it possible for programmers to write in English - and you will find that programmers cannot write in English. -% -A liberal is a man too broad minded to take his own side in a quarrel. - -- Robert Frost -% -A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment. - -- Willis Player -% -A lie in time saves nine. -% -A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of -trouble. - -- Adlai E. Stevenson -% -A life lived in fear is a life half lived. -% -A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent. -% -A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about. -% -A light wife doth make a heavy husband. - -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" -% -A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility. - -- Aristotle -% -A limerick packs laughs anatomical -Into space that is quite economical. - But the good ones I've seen - So seldom are clean, -And the clean ones so seldom are comical. -% -A LISP programmer knows the value of -everything, but the cost of nothing. - -- Alan J. Perlis -% -A list is only as strong as its weakest link. - -- Donald E. Knuth -% -A little experience often upsets a lot of theory. -% -A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation. - -- C. E. Ayres -% -A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. - -- H. H. Munroe a.k.a. Saki, "The Square Egg" (1924) -% -A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad -right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you -know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the -little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good, -then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?" -% -A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems -have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects, -those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are -the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix, -APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them -with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS. - -- Frederick Brooks, Jr. -% -A little word of doubtful number, -A foe to rest and peaceful slumber. -If you add an "s" to this, -Great is the metamorphosis. -Plural is plural now no more, -And sweet what bitter was before. -What am I? -% -A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile. -% -A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. -% -A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. -Buy the negatives at any price. -% -A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never. -% -A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. - -- Steven Wright -% -A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, -and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. - -- Lew Col -% -A major, with wonderful force, -Called out in Hyde Park for a horse. - All the flowers looked round, - But no horse could be found; -So he just rhododendron, of course. -% -A man always remembers his first love with special -tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After -that it's cheating. - -- Yves Montand -% -A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself. - -- Du Bois -% -A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it. -By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he -was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out, - "Is anybody there?" -A deep majestic voice answered, - "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?" - "Help me!!" cried the man. - "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and -you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust." -The man thought for a moment and cried out: - "Anybody ELSE up there?" -% -A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles -in the road. - -- Alexander Smith -% -A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. - -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek" -% -A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. - -- Brendan Francis -% -A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another -man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man -whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give... -water..." - "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water -with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie." - "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*." - "They're only four dollars apiece." - "I need *water*." - "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars." - "Please! I need *water*!", says the man. - "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman, -and he heads off into the distance. - The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days. -Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he -sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he -staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter. - "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer. - "I'm sorry, sir, ties required." -% -A man is known by the company he organizes. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart, -He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart. - -- Richard Thompson -% -A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be -bothered with sex and all that sort of thing. - -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" -% -A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything. - -- Samuel Johnson -% -A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled, -but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim. -% -A man may well bring a horse to the water, -but he cannot make him drink with he will. - -- John Heywood -% -A man of genius makes no mistakes. -His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery. - -- James Joyce, "Ulysses" -% -A man paints with his brains and not with his hands. -% -A man said to the Universe: - "Sir, I exist!" - "However," replied the Universe, - "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." - -- Stephen Crane -% -A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her -some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before -he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who -might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told -her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to -her aid. - Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly -by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing -in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel. - "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset. - "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I -just want to get my saddle back!" -% -A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions -he is able to answer. - -- Ronald Colman -% -A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a -late card games. - "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife," -he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast -into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and -tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always -wakes up and gives me hell." - "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied. - "You do?" - "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights, -stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say. -`How about a little smooch for your old man?'" - "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief. - "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends -she's asleep." -% -A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly, - "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee, -why did you Di......eeee" -The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely, - "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now, -carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased." - "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee, -why....eeeee did you.." - "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so? -Tell, me who is buried here?" - "My wife's first husband." -% -A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either. - -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) -% -A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn -in no other way. -% -A man who fishes for marlin in ponds -will put his money in Etruscan bonds. -% -A man who turns green has eschewed protein. -% -A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey. -% -A man with one watch knows what time it is. -A man with two watches is never quite sure. -% -A man without a woman is like a fish without gills. -% -A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create -destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in -turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man -would deliberately go mad to prove his point. - -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground" -% -A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. -% -A man's best friend is his dogma. -% -A man's gotta know his limitations. - -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry" -% -A man's house is his castle. - -- Sir Edward Coke -% -A man's house is his hassle. -% -A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk. - "It is right before your eyes," said the master. - "Why do I not see it for myself?" - "Because you are thinking of yourself." - "What about you: do you see it?" - "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so -on, your eyes are clouded," said the master. - "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?" - "When there is neither `I' nor `You', -who is the one that wants to see it?" -% -A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and -observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As -they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump. - The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may -yet save her!!" - The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my -understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water -from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and -6 feet high." - The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle." -% -A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. - -- P. Erdos -% -A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. -% -A meeting is an event at which the -minutes are kept and the hours are lost. -% -A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, -but to protect the writer. - -- Dean Acheson -% -A method of solution is perfect if we can foresee from the start, -and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim. - -- Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz -% -A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed -on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new -game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the -pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly -along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their -heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn -around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite -direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the -paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin -colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins -fall over gently onto their backs. - -- Audubon Society Magazine - -[From the BBC, 2001-02-02: - For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS) -monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as Lynx -helicopters passed overhead. - "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over," -said team leader Dr. Richard Stone. - "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped -calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated -with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct, -really." - The conclusion, said Dr. Stone, is that flights over 305 metres -(1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects" on -king penguins.] -% -A mighty creature is the germ, -Though smaller than the pachyderm. -His customary dwelling place -Is deep within the human race. -His childish pride he often pleases -By giving people strange diseases. -Do you, my poppet, feel infirm? -You probably contain a germ. - -- Ogden Nash -% -A mind is a wonderful thing to waste. -% -A modem is a baudy house. -% -A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery, -is the most tremendous object in the whole creation. - -- Goldsmith -% -A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen -floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for -its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered, -terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother! -Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!" - Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its -children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them, -and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman -proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life. - As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother, -you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them -purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second -language?" -% -A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, -and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes. - -- Frost -% -A motion to adjourn is always in order. -% -A mouse is a device used to point at the xterm you want to type in. -% -A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese. -% -A mushroom cloud has no silver lining. -% -A musician, an artist, an architect: - the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian. - -- William Blake -% -A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes. - -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy" -% -A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. - -- Gore Vidal -% -A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you. -% -A national debt, if it is not excessive, -will be to us a national blessing. - -- Alexander Hamilton -% -A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on -loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside -the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe," -asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" -% -A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon -discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet, -still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the -same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at -3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?" - The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING -ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?" -% -A new koan: - If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. - If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. -It is an ice cream koan. -% -A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. -Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit' -now has no excuse for further procrastination. -% -A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time -had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had -come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to -catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust -the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to -it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept -in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers. - -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago" -% -A New Way of Taking Pills - A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and -having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with -small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks -will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment. - -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861 -% -A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the -rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion. -% -A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure. - -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer -% -A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. - -- Yogi Berra -% -A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a -"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. - -- Mahatma Gandhi -% -A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question. - -"Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked. - -The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be -relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes -before replying. - -"I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else." - -With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved -enlightenment, several years later. - -Commentary: - -His Master is kind, -Answering his FAQ quickly, -With thought and sarcasm. -% -A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. -% -A pain in the ass of major dimensions. - -- C. A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits -% -A Parable of Modern Research: - - Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one -brightly lit corner. - "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!" - "I can only see here." -% -A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on. - -- William S. Burroughs -% -A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. - -- Gloria Steinem -% -A pencil with no point needs no eraser. -% -A penny saved has not been spent. -% -A penny saved is a penny taxed. -% -A penny saved is ridiculous. -% -A penny saved kills your career in government. -% -A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to -govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures -on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins -itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and -manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain. - -- Anatole France -% -A person forgives only when they are in the wrong. -% -A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry. -% -A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something. -A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest. -% -A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well -schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer. - -- Donald E. Knuth -% -A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist. - -- Elbert Hubbard -% -A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. - -- George Wald -% -A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men -gets out and goes into the office. - "I need some four-by-two's," he says. - "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk. - The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go -check." - Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the -truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be -acceptable. - "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?" - The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go -check," he says. - He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated -conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says, -"we're building a house". -% -A pig is a jolly companion, -Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- -A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, -Though mountains may topple and tilt. -When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, -When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, -Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, -You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, -You'll never go wrong with a pig! - -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" -% -A pipe gives a wise man time to think -and a fool something to stick in his mouth. -% -A place for everything and everything in its place. - -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management" - - [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when - referring to memory management system services.] -% -A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it. - -- Stanley Baldwin -% -A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques -contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain -edible nutriments. -% -A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs. -% -A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits. -% -A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard -about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his -money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the -finance ministry, sir," the teller replies. - "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks. - "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class," -the teller says. - "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks. - "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come -to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation. - "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks. - "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy -paycheck?" - -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984 -% -A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom, -but he has no means to realize it other than through violence. - -- Jean-Paul Sartre -% -A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest. - -- Walt Kelly -% -A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea. -% -A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil! - -- The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Sumatra" -% -A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality. -Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling. -But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest. - -- Lazarus Long -% -A prediction is worth twenty explanations. - -- K. Brecher -% -A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your -last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something -of yours to press against my heart. - -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -% -A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. -Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies." -% -A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? - -And he answered: - -It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. - -It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. - -It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City -upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come -to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. - -And that is Fate? said the priest. - -Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. - -That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was -too. - -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" -% -A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions. - -- George Eliot -% -A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then -asks you not to kill him. - -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952 -% -A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency. - -- Miguel de Cervantes -% -A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. -% -A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of -being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of -incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague -assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents -and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of -dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of -annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was -unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place. - -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine -% -A programming language is low level -when its programs require attention to the irrelevant. -% -A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to -drink with -- even if he drank. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a -watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he -looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his -tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were -they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led -by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged, -killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting -could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle -emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of -the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions." -% -A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female -by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness. - -- Aristotle -% -A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions -your wife asks you for nothing. - -- Joey Adams -% -A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that -your wife will give you for free. -% -A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be -too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which -was intended for her preservation. - -- Colton -% -A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as -"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if -the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants -to make a travesty of the game. - -- Donald A. Metz -% -A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results -blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon. - -- Steel City News -% -A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the -entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family. - -- Saul Alinsky -% -A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives. -% -A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having -his neighbor notice it. - -- Trygve Lie -% -A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away. -A real friend is someone you can use over and over again. -% -A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to. - -- Overheard in an algebra lecture -% -A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking -ticket and rejoices that the system works. -% -A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen -objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer -scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration -needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects. -% -A regular expression goes into a pub with a friend, intending to -help him find a girl. However, when the cockney barman finds this -out, he says to it, "Ere! I'll have no pattern match-making in my -pub!" -% -A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other -people what to do with their money. - -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones) -% -A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you. - -- Ramsey Clark -% -A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may -not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized -rosewater. -% -A robin redbreast in a cage -Puts all Heaven in a rage. - -- Blake -% -A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single -man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. - -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery -% -A rolling disk gathers no MOS. -% -A rolling stone gathers momentum. -% -A rolling stone gathers no moss. - -- Publilius Syrus -% -A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who -demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?" -holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made. -Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me. - -- Plutarch -% -A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It -weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a -banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey. -The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as -the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces) -is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the -monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey, -plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the -weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as -the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she -was half as old as the monkey will be when it is as old as its mother -will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice -as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it -was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was -when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana? -% -A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of -PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs, -Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's -with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to -joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its -drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked -up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very -good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not -true. I'm very good in beds as well." -% -A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. -If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space. - -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars -% -A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule. -% -A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed. -Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid. - -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway" - -I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter. - -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind - the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down - on Broadway". -% -A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper -vocation?" - The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of -their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is -the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily, -such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for -their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of -the vocation must fit the individual. - "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the -scholar sobbed. - Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?" -% -A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and -making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually -die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it. - -- Max Planck -% -A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from -the vexation of thinking. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Journals" (1831) -% -A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness -of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving -water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness -of this necessary reorganization of our lives. - -It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the -recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the -ground. - -- J. W. N. Sullivan -% -A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep -him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are -worth committing. - -- Samuel Butler -% -A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself. - -- Don Marquis -% -A Severe Strain on the Credulity - As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the -highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket -is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the -multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt... -for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its -flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the -charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in -Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not -know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something -better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to -lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. - -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 -% -A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist -thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the -problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male -aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy -away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's -participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility -will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to -men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to -idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by -the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own -submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to -is to substitute moral outrage for analysis. - -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love" -% -A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard. - -- Prof. Steiner -% -A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. - -- Joseph Stalin -% -A single flow'r he sent me, since we met. -All tenderly his messenger he chose; -Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet-- -One perfect rose. - -I knew the language of the floweret; -"My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose." -Love long has taken for his amulet -One perfect rose. - -Why is it no one ever sent me yet -One perfect limousine, do you suppose? -Ah no, it's always just my luck to get -One perfect rose. - -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose" -% -A sinking ship gathers no moss. - -- Donald Kaul -% -A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two. -% -A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. -% -A snake lurks in the grass. - -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) -% -A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North -African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking. -Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier. -% -A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, -the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society -which is on its way out. - -- L. Ron Hubbard -% -A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger. - -- Proverbs 15:1 -% -A soft drink turneth away company. -% -A song in time is worth a dime. -% -A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the -family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks -when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem, -and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks: - "How are you?" they ask. - "Oh, I'm fine," he says. - "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?" - "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here -that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause -he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand -dollars." - The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary -Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue -at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure -enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is -"Where's Old Blue?" - "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was -talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue, -well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her -that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these -years?'" - The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?" -% -A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny. -% -A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years. - -- Harry S. Truman -% -A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high -probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that -the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low. -Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him. -% -A stitch in time saves nine. -% -A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. - -- O'Henry -% -A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many -bad measures. - -- Daniel Webster -% -A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt. -As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the -student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before -the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit -the student with a stick. -% -A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. -% -A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something -undreamed of by its author. - -- S. C. Johnson -% -A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first -thought of. - -- Burt Bacharach -% -A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over -Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the -other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing -new versions of their own innards! - -- Michael O'Brien -% -A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) - -- by Charles Dickens - - A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place. - -The Metamorphosis LITE(tm) - -- by Franz Kafka - - A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed. - -Lord of the Rings LITE(tm) - -- by J. R. R. Tolkien - - Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano. - -Hamlet LITE(tm) - -- by William Shakespeare - - A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy - girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age. -% -A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) - -- by Charles Dickens - - A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just - like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean - lady who knits. - -Crime and Punishment LITE(tm) - -- by Fyodor Dostoyevsky - - A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later - feels guilty and apologizes. - -The Odyssey LITE(tm) - -- by Homer - - After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home. -% -A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you. -% -A tautology is a thing which is tautological. -% -A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say. - -- Michael Winner, British film director -% -A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes -of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around -*Boston*." - "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian. - "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for -help?" -% -A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. - -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W. H." -% -A timely marriage: one made before your children start nagging you about it. - -- Diane Duane -% -A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, -and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -A transistor protected by a fast-acting -fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. -% -A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three -wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels. -Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer -sitting in the yard watching the pig. - "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman. - "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter -was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that -pig swam out and dragged her back to shore." - "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed. - "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on -the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did. -That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me. -Saved my life." - "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has -three wooden legs?" - The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you -got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once." -% -A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene -triangle. -% -A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother -drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art. - -- Shaw -% -A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. -% -A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. -% -A truth that's told with bad intent -Beats all the lies you can invent. - -- William Blake -% -A university is what a college becomes -when the faculty loses interest in students. - -- John Ciardi -% -A University without students is like an ointment without a fly. - -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin -% -A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, -Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. - She found a good way - To combine work and play: -She sells C shells by the seashore. -% -A vacuum is a hell of a lot better -than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. - -- Tennessee Williams -% -A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. - -- Samuel Goldwyn -% -A violent man will die a violent death. - -- Lao Tsu -% -A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work. -% -A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work. -% -A vivid and creative mind characterizes you. -% -A waist is a terrible thing to mind. - -- Ziggy -% -A watched clock never boils. -% -A well adjusted person is one who makes -the same mistake twice without getting nervous. -% -A well-known friend is a treasure. -% -A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges. -A swift-flowing stream does not grow stagnant. -Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum. -Software rots if not used. - -These are great mysteries. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% -A wise man can see more from a mountain top -than a fool can from the bottom of a well. -% -A wise man can see more from the bottom -of a well than a fool can from a mountain top. -% -A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion. - -- Chinese proverb -% -A witty saying proves nothing. - -- Voltaire -% -A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets -people's attention. -% -A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit, -let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that -there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another, -completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of -beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells. -It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club -near your person at all times. - -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII -% -A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it -were quite a struggle. - -- Edna Ferber -% -A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how. -To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable. - -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed" -% -A woman, especially if she have the misfortune -of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can. - -- Jane Austen -% -A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her, -she follows. - -- Chamfort -% -A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, -it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing -- tender, sweet, -and stupid. - -- Adolf Hitler -% -A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither -physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even -when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting." - -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925 -% -A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume. - -- Maurine Lewis -% -A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor -came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you." - "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked. - "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son -(we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head." - Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no -one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of -a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under -the circumstances. - One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a -phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected -an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto -his head!" - The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung -up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful* -surprise for you!" - "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!" -% -A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. - -- Gloria Steinem -% -A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. -Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish. -% -A woman's best protection is a little money of her own. - -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women" -% -A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate. -% -A word to the wise is enough. - -- Miguel de Cervantes -% -A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing -that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker -watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm -myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself -and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?" -"To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process -to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed. -% -A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call -what he writes fiction. - -- William Faulkner -% -A yawn is a silent shout. - -- G. K. Chesterton -% -A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. -% -A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new -bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk." - -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860 -% -A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted -a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to -have that!" she gushed. - "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the -window and grabbing the ring. - A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What -I'd give to own that," she said, sighing. - "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing -the coat. - Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do -anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said. - "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?" -% -A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and -walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous -woman, who is obviously window shopping, looks her straight in the eye and -says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll -allow me, I'd like to buy it for you." - The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some -pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story. - "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?" - "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that -I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it." - The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures, -calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks -at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I -can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?" - "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out -of the store with the woman following him in a daze. - The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter. -The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell -you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds." - "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a -terrific weekend." -% -A young man wrote to Mozart and said: - -Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any - suggestions as to how to get started?" -A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with - some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony." -Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old." -A: "But I never asked anybody how." -% -AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! -You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! -% -Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. -% -Abbott's Admonitions: - 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know. - 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked - the question. - -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia -% -Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went -on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close. -% -Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!) -Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace, -And saw, within the moonlight in his room, -Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom, -An angel writing in a book of gold. -Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold, -And to the presence in the room he said, -"What writest thou?" The vision raised its head, -And with a look made of all sweet accord, -Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord." -"And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so," -Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low, -But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then, -Write me as one that loves his fellow-men." -The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night -It came again with a great wakening light, -And showed the names whom love of God had blessed, -And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest. - -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem" -% -About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard. -% -About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog. -% -About the only thing we have left that actually -discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork. -% -About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. - -- Herbert Hoover -% -About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt -ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra -% -Above all else - sky. -% -Above all things, reverence yourself. -% -Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C. -% -Abscond, v.: - To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative - and miss the return train. -% -Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases -great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires. - -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld -% -Absence in love is like water upon fire; -a little quickens, but much extinguishes it. - -- Hannah More -% -Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, -it enkindles the great. -% -Absence makes the heart forget. -% -Absence makes the heart go wander. -% -Absence makes the heart grow fonder. - -- Sextus Aurelius -% -Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else. -% -Absence makes the heart grow frantic. -% -Absent, adj.: - Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; -slandered. -% -Absentee, n.: - A person with an income who has had the forethought - to remove himself from the sphere of exaction. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.) - -- Stafford Beer -% -Abstainer, n.: - A weak person who yields to the - temptation of denying himself a pleasure. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Abstract: - This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group -of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar -and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar -men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than -their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was -evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF -test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual -performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve -immediately when tight neckwear was removed. - -- Langan, L. M. and Watkins, S. M. "Pressure of Menswear on the - Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29, - #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71. -% -Absurdity, n.: - A statement or belief manifestly - inconsistent with one's own opinion. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, -because the stakes are so low. - -- Wallace Sayre -% -Academicians care, that's who. -% -ACADEMY: - A modern school where football is taught. -INSTITUTE: - An archaic school where football is not taught. -% -Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat. -% -Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable. -% -ACCEPTANCE TESTING: - An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs. -% -Accident, n.: - A condition in which presence of mind is good, - but absence of body is better. - -- Foolish Dictionary -% -Accidentally Shot - Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago, -in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to -bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the -Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead. - -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861 -% -Accidents cause History. - -If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the -Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not -have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil -could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and -the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something -everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the -national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in -smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and -most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly -that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for -Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around -parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox -decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have -a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly -sheepish grin" comes from. -% -According to all the latest reports, -there was no truth in any of the earlier reports. -% -According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person -shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than -fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening -of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of -the returns." -% -According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold, -and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms -and a void. - -- Democritus, 400 B.C. -% -According to my best recollection, I don't remember. - -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo -% -According to the latest official figures, -43% of all statistics are totally worthless. -% -According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never -dies. -% -According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in -America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. -Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could -beat up their city anytime. - -- David Letterman -% -Accordion, n.: - A bagpipe with pleats. -% -Accuracy, n.: - The vice of being right. -% -Acid -- better living through chemistry. -% -Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality. -% -Acquaintance, n.: - A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well - enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the - object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. -% -Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh -and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, -well, I think of my sex life. - -- Glenda Jackson -% -Actor Real Name - -Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt -Cary Grant Archibald Leach -Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg -Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman -John Wayne Marion Morrison -Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch -Richard Burton Richard Jenkins, Jr. -Roy Rogers Leonard Slye -Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg -% -Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had - everyone glued in their seats!" -Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of - it!" -% -Actor: So what do you do for a living? -Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving - dishes for Chinese restaurants. - -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" -% -Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families. -% -Actresses will happen in the best regulated families. - -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, - "The Entirely New Cynic's Calendar", 1905 -% -Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me. -% -Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator -will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction: - -N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator - only have one floor to go to. - -Assume true for N, prove for N+1: - If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the - induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you - and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore, - it is true for all N+1 floors. -QED. -% -Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.) -% -ADA: - Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in - Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop - an ADA awareness. - -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 -% -Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. -[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.] - -- Ovid -% -Adding features does not necessarily increase -functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker. -% -Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. - -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" - -Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by -close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and -scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein. - -- George Washington (1732-1799) -% -Adding sound to movies would be like -putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo. - -- Mary Pickford, actress, 1925 -% -Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done -something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a -decorous age. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -Adler's Distinction: - Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, - and from the bureaucrats. -% -Admiration, n.: - Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Adolescence, n.: - The stage between puberty and adultery. -% -Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look -like you ... - -- Gilda Radner -% -Adore, v.: - To venerate expectantly. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Adult, n.: - One old enough to know better. -% -Adults die young. -% -Advancement in position. -% -Advertisements contain the only -truths to be relied on in a newspaper. - -- Thomas Jefferson -% -Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest -way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. - -- Sinclair Lewis -% -Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. - -- George Orwell -% -Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human -intelligence long enough to get money from it. -% -Advertising Rule: - In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the - reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, - that it is curable. -% -Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once. -% -Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it. -% -Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic, -then at least be aseptic. -% -African violet: Such worth is rare -Apple blossom: Preference -Bachelor's button: Celibacy -Bay leaf: I change but in death -Camellia: Reflected loveliness -Chrysanthemum, red: I love -Chrysanthemum, white: Truth -Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love -Clover: Be mine -Crocus: Abuse not -Daffodil: Innocence -Forget-me-not: True love -Fuchsia: Fast -Gardenia: Secret, untold love -Honeysuckle: Bonds of love -Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage -Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality -Leaves (dead): Melancholy -Lilac: Youthful innocence -Lily: Purity, sweetness -Lily of the valley: Return of happiness -Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance - * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning. -% -After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European -comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited, -except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything -is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union, -under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is -permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted, -especially that which is prohibited. - -- Newton Minow, 1985, - Speech to the Association of American Law Schools -% -After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. -It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life -more advanced than the lichen family. - -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" -% -After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. -% -After a while you learn the subtle difference -Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, -And you learn that love doesn't mean security, -And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts -And presents aren't promises -And you begin to accept your defeats -With your head up and your eyes open, -With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child, -And you learn to build all your roads -On today because tomorrow's ground -Is too uncertain. And futures have -A way of falling down in midflight, -After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. -So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting -For someone to bring you flowers. -And you learn that you really can endure... -That you really are strong, -And you really do have worth -And you learn and learn -With every goodbye you learn. - -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn" -% -After all, all he did was string together -a lot of old, well-known quotations. - -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare -% -After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. -% -After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best. - -- Jean Giraudoux -% -After all my erstwhile dear, -My no longer cherished, -Need we say it was not love, -Just because it perished? - -- Edna St. Vincent Millay -% -After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for -you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply -sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. - -- P. J. O'Rourke -% -After an instrument has been assembled, -extra components will be found on the bench. -% -After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the -month than you did before. -% -After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names -have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, -James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important -electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this -is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg -of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even -though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. -Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian -medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been -seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and -watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact -that it sinks like a stone. - -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" -% -After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, -claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life -in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his -bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the -judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000. - When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check, -Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with -this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you -take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for -perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?" - "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to -Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes -- -where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle." -% -After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of -the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the -cost to others, to win advancement. - -- Norman Thomas -% -After living in New York, you trust nobody, -but you believe everything. Just in case. -% -...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles -Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years -I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors, -and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the -Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they -did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the -development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with -one foot in his mouth.) - -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died" -% -After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box. - -- Italian proverb -% -After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught -by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease -with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers -carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white. - -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991 -% -After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access -cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed. -% -After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that -throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey -Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago, -at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for -his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject -with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions -that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in -Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the -first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on -single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil. -According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on -the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic -charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan. - -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles" - -Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really -precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the -Nobel Prize in 1923. -% -After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with -the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only -the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of -any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried -deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page... - -The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The -Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all. -But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line -or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie -burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the -neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an -oriental woman who seemed to be in control." - -Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and -straight to the point. - -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" -% -After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is, -indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem. -% -After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER! -% -Afternoon, n.: - That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the -morning. -% -Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change. -% -Against Idleness and Mischief - -How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell! -Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax! -And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well -From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes. - -In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play, -I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed, -For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day -For idle hands to do. Some good account at last. - -- Isaac Watts (1674-1748) -% -Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain. - -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6 -% -Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. -% -Age before beauty; and pearls before swine. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -Age is a tyrant who forbids, -at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth. -% -Age, n.: - That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we - still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the - enterprise to commit. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Agnes' Law: - Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of. -% -Agree with them now, it will save so much time. -% -Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, -Or what's a heaven for ? - -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto" -% -Ah, but the choice of dreams to live, -there's the rub. - -For all dreams are not equal, -some exit to nightmare -most end with the dreamer - -But at least one must be lived ... and died. -% -Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me, -"How good, how good does it feel to be free?" -And I answer them most mysteriously: -"Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?" - -- Bob Dylan -% -Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball. -% -Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over! -% -Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts! -% -"Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the -Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact -that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately -unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep -up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers." - -- An analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic -% -Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu. -% -Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It -excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude. -% -Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star. - -- W. Clement Stone -% -Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing. - -- The Mad Dogtender -% -Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but -bring me a message from a young man. - -- Moms Mabley -% -Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to -Kansas City. - -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd - been traded -% -Air Force Inertia Axiom: - Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness. -% -Air is water with holes in it. -% -Air, n.: - A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for - the fattening of the poor. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose. -% -Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. - -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, - Ecole Superieure de Guerre -% -Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that. - -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman" -% -Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether -machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about -as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra -% -Alas, how love can trifle with itself! - -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona" -% -Alas, I am dying beyond my means. - -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed] -% -ALASKA: - A prelude to "No." -% -Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself -or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has -a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and -Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm. - -- Tom Robbins -% -Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire -telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New -York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? -And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they -receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." -% -ALBRECHT'S LAW: - Social innovations tend to the level - of minimum tolerable well-being. -% -Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions. -The surest poison is time. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Society and Solitude" -% -Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -Alden's Laws: - (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause - of pregnancy. - (2) Always be backlit. - (3) Sit down whenever possible. -% -Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, -Aleph-null bottles of beer, - You take one down, and pass it around, -Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. -% -Alex Haley was adopted! -% -Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well -in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone. -% -Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was -the closest our country has ever been to being even. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% -Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. - -- Philippe Schnoebelen -% -Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most -important programming language yet developed. - -- T. Cheatham -% -ALGORITHM: - Trendy dance for hip programmers. -% -Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth. -% -Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of -them keeps paying for it. - -- Peggy Joyce -% -Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. - -- Arthur Baer -% -Alimony is the curse of the writing classes. - -- Norman Mailer -% -Alimony is the high cost of leaving. -% -Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est. -% -Alive without breath, -As cold as death; -Never thirsty, ever drinking, -All in mail ever clinking. -% -All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire. -% -All art is but imitation of nature. - -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca -% -All bad precedents began as justifiable measures. - -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of - Catiline", by Sallust -% -All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely -than others. - -- Alan Truscott -% -All business is based on the mutual trust of one of the parts. - -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) -% -All constants are variables. -% -All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means. - -- Chou En Lai -% -All extremists should be taken out and shot. -% -All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing -without thinking. -% -All flesh is grass. - -- Isaiah 40:6 -Smoke a friend today. -% -All generalizations are false, including this one. - -- Mark Twain -% -All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, -barely presentable. - -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" -% -All Gods were immortal. - -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" -% -All great discoveries are made by mistake. - -- Young -% -All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time. -% -All heiresses are beautiful. - -- John Dryden -% -All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky, -to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing. - -- Yoda -% -All hope abandon, ye who enter here! - -- Dante Alighieri -% -All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. -% -All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own -importance. -% -All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, -ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas. - -- Kingfish -% -All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that -makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and -an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead. - -- Samuel Beckett -% -All I need to have a good time, -Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine. -With those three things I don't need no sunshine, -A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine. - -All I want is to never grow old, -I want to wash in a bathtub of gold. -I want 97 kilos already rolled, -I want to wash in a bathtub of gold. - -I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills, -I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills. -I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled, -I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills. - -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah" -% -All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. - -- Ashleigh Brilliant -% -All intelligent species own cats. -% -All is fear in love and war. -% -All is well that ends well. - -- John Heywood -% -All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the -throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be -practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie -Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers -that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think, -that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot. -% -All kings is mostly rapscallions. - -- Mark Twain -% -All laws are simulations of reality. - -- John C. Lilly -% -All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities. - -- Richard Dawkins -% -All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are -Socrates. - -- Woody Allen -% -All men have the right to wait in line. -% -All men know the utility of useful things; -but they do not know the utility of futility. - -- Chuang Tzu -% -All men profess honesty as long as they can. -To believe all men honest would be folly. -To believe none so is something worse. - -- John Quincy Adams -% -All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car, -a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog. -Definitely a dog. -% -All most people ask of life is a constant -and exaggerated sense of their own importance. -% -All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get. -% -All my friends and I are crazy. -That's the only thing that keeps us sane. -% -All my friends are getting married, -Yes, they're all growing old, -They're all staying home on the weekend, -They're all doing what they're told. -% -All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific. - -- Jane Wagner -% -ALL NEW: - Parts not interchangeable with previous model. -% -All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from -the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded. -% -All of the animals except man know that -the principal business of life is to enjoy it. -% -All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs -synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to -rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all -of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." - -- Steven Wright -% -All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies. - -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "The Book of Bokonon" -% -All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a -Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, -tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: -"Just lie down on the floor and keep calm." - -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You" -% -All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of -the United States. - -- Vic Gold -% -All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the -parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you -can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do -not use a hammer. - -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925 -% -All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats. - -- Groucho Marx -% -All phone calls are obscene. - -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon -% -All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no. - -- Susan Sontag -% -All power corrupts, but we need electricity. -% -All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts -those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds -of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end -goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger, -and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works, -the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found -the last bug." - -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" -% -All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. -% -All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism -to live beyond its income. - -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" -% -All science is either physics or stamp collecting. - -- Ernest Rutherford -% -All seems condemned in the long run -to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise. - -- James Martin -% -All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands. - -- Saint Patrick -% -All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. -% -All that glitters has a high refractive index. -% -All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost. -% -All that is gold does not glitter, -Not all those who wander are lost; -The old that is strong does not wither, -Deep roots are not reached by the frost. -From the ashes a fire shall be woken, -A light from the shadows shall spring; -Renewed shall be blade that was broken, -The crownless again shall be king. - -- J. R. R. Tolkien -% -All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, -too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you -subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you -can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. -Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax -decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What -if it rains?" - -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" -% -All the evidence concerning the universe -has not yet been collected, so there's still hope. -% -All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg, -It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen -With all the words gone, They all had their day -What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin' - -But of all the words written The bird is a strange one, -And all the lines read, So small and so tender -There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown, -And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender. - -It reminds me of days of So what is this line -Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown -It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle -And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown? - -I've read all the greats -Both starving and fat, -But none was as great as -"I tot I taw a puddy tat." - -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood" -% -All the men on my staff can type. - -- Bella Abzug -% -...all the modern inconveniences... - -- Mark Twain -% -All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most -ridiculous ones. - -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld -% -All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow. - -- Grant Wood -% -All the simple programs have been written. -% -All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by -the government in less than a second. - -- Jim Fiebig -% -All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly. -% -All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed. - -- Sean O'Casey -% -All the world's a VAX, -And all the coders merely butchers; -They have their exits and their entrails; -And one int in his time plays many widths, -His sizeof being _N bytes. At first the infant, -Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. -And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, -And shining morning face, creeping like slug -Unwillingly to school. - -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 -% -All theoretical chemistry is really physics; -and all theoretical chemists know it. - -- Richard P. Feynman -% -All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door. -% -All things being equal, you are bound to lose. -% -All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed. - -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" -% -All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, -it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score. - -- Henry Tyroon -% -All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. -% -All warranty and guarantee clauses -become null and void upon payment of invoice. -% -All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes -infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in -which he was born. - -- Francois Fenelon -% -All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each -other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information. -This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with -our lives." - -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell" -% -All who joy would win Must share it -- -Happiness was born a twin. - -- Lord Byron -% -All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul. -% -All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent -upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a -visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is -informing, stimulating and ennobling. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -Allen's Axiom: - When all else fails, read the instructions. -% -Alliance, n.: - In international politics, the union of two thieves who have - their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they - cannot separately plunder a third. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -All's well that ends. -% -Almost anything derogatory you could say -about today's software design would be accurate. - -- K. E. Iverson -% -Alone, adj.: - In bad company. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had -to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration. -% -alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify. -ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question. -baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks. -Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts. -baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards. -beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often - found in baas. -caaa, n: An automobile. -centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or - someone involved with the Knicks.) -chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base. -dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or - computation. - -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary -% -Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight -Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. - -- Dave Barry -% -Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for -buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham -Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that -reason. He knows it because he fired the guy. - "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I -bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says. -"I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'" - -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989 -% -Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away. -% -Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, -mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have -any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place -to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, -Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a -serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the -same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely -that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A -penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job -running the post office. - -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" -% -Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been -reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day -life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor -minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the -apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties -of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade -through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour -those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this -reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical -Gamekeeping." - -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959) -% -Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. -% -Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. - -- Mark Twain -% -Always draw your curves, then plot your reading. -% -Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out. -% -Always run from a knife and rush a gun. - -- Jimmy Hoffa -% -Always store beer in a dark place. -% -Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits. - -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" -% -Always there remain portions of our heart -into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may. -% -Always think of something new; this -helps you forget your last rotten idea. - -- Seth Frankel -% -Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing -that way. -% -Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves. -% -AMAZING BUT TRUE... - If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to - end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. -% -AMAZING BUT TRUE... - There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it - were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert. -% -Ambidextrous, adj.: - Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -AMBIGUITY: - Telling the truth when you don't mean to. -% -Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. - -- Charlie McCarthy -% -Ambition, n.: - An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while - living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -America: born free and taxed to death. -% -America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood? - -- Allen Ginsberg -% -America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned, -and the scum rises to the top. - -- Utah Phillips -% -America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort. - -- President John F. Kennedy - -The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not -be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but -living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil -Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so. - -- Adlai E. Stevenson - -The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that -from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult -to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the -Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights -of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised -by the majority they were at the time. - -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren -% -America is the country where you buy a lifetime -supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks. -% -America may be unique in being a country which has leapt -from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. - -- John O'Hara -% -America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until -people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its -name to "America". - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -America works less, when you say "Union Yes!" -% -American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective -employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for -employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference -between the men's room and the women's room without having little -pictures on the doors. - -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister" -% -American by birth; Texan by the grace of God. -% -American cars are made shoddily... -Cars made overseas are far superior. - -- Barry Goldwater -% -[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything -we allow them short of hanging. - -- Samuel Johnson - -America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its -tail it knocks over a chair. - -- Arnold Toynbee - -The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to -everybody and still nobody likes him. - -- Jim Samuels -% -Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense. -% -Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out -to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization. - -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus" -% -America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person. -% -Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. -% -AMOEBIT: - Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply - and divide at the same time. -% -Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman. - -- St. John Chrysostom (304-407) -% -Among the lucky, you are the chosen one. -% -An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants. - -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live -% -An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening. - -- Marlon Brando -% -An Ada exception is when a routine gets -in trouble and says "Beam me up, Scotty." -% -An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms. -% -An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because -people refuse to see it. - -- James Michener, "Space" -% -An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of -his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and -asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?" - Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?" -% -An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. - -- Dylan Thomas -% -An algorithm must be seen to be believed. - -- Donald E. Knuth -% -An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad -to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country. - -- Sir Henry Wotton (1568-1639) -% -An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment -to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to -and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended. - -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English - language. -% -An American is a man with two arms and four wheels. - -- A Chinese child -% -An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize -winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that -over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the -open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not -let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh, - "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck, -do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --" -Bohr chuckled. - "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am -scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told -that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not." -% -An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian -about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars. - -American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you - get to work?" -Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public - transportation everywhere." -A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?" -R: "We take the train." -A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?" -R: "We don't ever want go abroad." -A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?" -R: "We take tanks." -% -An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize -the president but is always polite to traffic cops. -% -An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New -Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not -new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. - -- David Letterman -% -An aphorism is never exactly true; -it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths. - -- Karl Kraus -% -An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat -him last. - -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954 -% -An apple a day makes 365 apples a year. -% -An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away. -% -An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it. -% -An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support. -% -An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways. - -- Isaac Asimov -% -An attachment a la Plato -for a bashful young potato -or a, not too French, french bean -must excite your languid spleen. -For, if you walk down Picadilly -with a poppy or lily -in your medieval hand, -every one will say, -as you walk your flowery way; -"If this young man is content, -with a vegetable love -which would certainly not content me. -Why, what a very pure young man -this pure young man must be!" - -- W. S. Gilbert, "Patience" - [The subject of the humour is of course, Oscar Wilde] -% -An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree -murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's -mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. -Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the -suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a -murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." -% -An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you -really care to know. -% -An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume. -% -An economist is a man who would marry -Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money. -% -An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff. - -- Adlai E. Stevenson -% -An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. -% -An efficient and a successful administration manifests -itself equally in small as in great matters. - -- Winston Churchill -% -An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet, -in mid-air, on both sides of an issue. - -- Homer Ferguson -% -An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane -when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When -several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a -despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his -usual pledge to the United Way Campaign. - "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband -barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but -I've already paid them half of it." - "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed -euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!" -% -An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. -% -An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an -anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt -already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the -engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later -the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now -has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the -mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he -was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of -humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too -trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny. -% -An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN. -% -An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded -summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your -arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey -responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!" -% -An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. - -- A. P. Herbert -% -An evil mind is a great comfort. -% -An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears -a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised -only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich -Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in -incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote -excellence: - -"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and -discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able -to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting -things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch -parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a -timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who -doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. -Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high -school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as -successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and -they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha." - -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" -% -An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future. -% -...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often -picturesque liar. - -- Mark Twain -% -An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a -very narrow field. - -- Niels Bohr -% -An expert is a person who avoids the small errors -as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy. - -- Benjamin Stolberg -% -An expert is one who knows more and more about less -and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything. -% -An eye in a blue face -Saw an eye in a green face. -"That eye is like this eye" -Said the first eye, -"But in low place, -Not in high place." -% -An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort -Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport. -A manly man, to be a wizard able; -Many a protected file he had sitting on his table. -His console, when he typed, a man might hear -Clicking and feeping wind as clear, -Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell -Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell. -The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor -As old and strict he tended to ignore; -He let go by the things of yesterday -And took the modern world's more spacious way. -He did not rate that text as a plucked hen -Which says that Hackers are not holy men. -And that a hacker underworked is a mere -Fish out of water, flapping on the pier. -That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister. -That was a text he held not worth an oyster. -And I agreed and said his views were sound; -Was he to study till his head wend round -Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil -As Andy bade and till the very soil? -Was he to leave the world upon the shelf? -Let Andy have his labor to himself! - -- Chaucer - [well, almost. Ed.] -% -An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought. - -- Simon Cameron - -There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When -bought they stay bought. - -- Bill Moyers -% -An honest tale speeds best being plainly told. - -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" -% -An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these -eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as -possible. - -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann" -% -An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. -% -An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit. - -- Henry Ford -% -An idle mind is worth two in the bush. -% -An infallible method of conciliating a tiger -is to allow oneself to be devoured. - -- Konrad Adenauer -% -An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself. - -- Albert Camus -% -An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if -each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the -function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated -by the corresponding row and column labels. - -- Genesereth & Nilsson, - "Logical foundations of Artificial Intelligence" -% -An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and -great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of -a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors -have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four -hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming -of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel." - "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured. -"Grandmother is baking strudel right now." - A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go and get me a sliver of -strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world." - One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old -man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed. - "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers. - "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the -funeral." -% -An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience. - -- Don Marquis -% -An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage. -A pessimist is a married optimist. -% -An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation. -% -An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition. - -- Michael Korda -% -An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest. - -- Spanish proverb -% -An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge. -% -Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no -government at all. -% -And all that the Lorax left here in this mess -was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless." -Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess. -That was long, long ago, and each day since that day, -I've worried and worried and worried away. -Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart, -I've worried about it with all of my heart. - -"BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here, -the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear! -UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, -nothing is going to get better - it's not. -So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall. -"It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all! - -"You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds. -And truffula trees are what everyone needs. -Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care. -Give it clean water and feed it fresh air. -Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack. -Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!" - -- Dr. Seuss, "The Lorax" -% -And as we stand on the edge of darkness -Let our chant fill the void -That others may know - - In the land of the night - The ship of the sun - Is drawn by - The grateful dead. - -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. -% -And did those feet, in ancient times, -Walk upon England's mountains green? -And was the Holy Lamb of God -In England's pleasant pastures seen? -And did the Countenance Divine -Shine forth upon these crowded hills? -And was Jerusalem builded here -Among these dark satanic mills? - -Bring me my bow of burning gold! -Bring me my arrows of desire! -Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold! -Bring me my chariot of fire! -I shall not cease from mental fight, -Nor shall my sword rest in my hand, -Till we have built Jerusalem -In England's green and pleasant land. - -- William Blake, "Jerusalem" -% -And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel? -% -And ever has it been known that -love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. - -- Kahlil Gibran -% -And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor, -"is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red -to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in -greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he -spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and -he shouted out, "YOPP!" - And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over! -Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard! -They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what -I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their -whole world was saved by the smallest of All!" - "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now -on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect -them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From -the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect -them. No matter how small-ish!" - -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who" -% -And here I wait so patiently -Waiting to find out what price -You have to pay to get out of -Going thru all of these things twice - -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again" -% -And I alone am returned to wag the tail. -% -And I heard Jeff exclaim, -As they strolled out of sight, -"Merry Christmas to all -- -You take credit cards, right?" - -- "Outsiders" comic -% -And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big -ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The -little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about -them, aren't braced against them. - -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower" -% -And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free! -My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez -Addams -- he was good for nothing." - -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family -% -And if California slides into the ocean, -Like the mystics and statistics say it will. -I predict this motel will be standing, -Until I've paid my bill. - -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves" -% -And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee, -"Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy! -% -And if you wonder, -What I am doing, -As I am heading for the sink. -I am spitting out all the bitterness, -Along with half of my last drink. -% -And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead, -Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead. - -- Joan Baez -% -And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing -what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions. - -- David Jones -% -And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man. - -- A. E. Housman -% -And miles to go before I sleep. -% -And now for something completely the same. -% -And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty -And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines, -The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts, -And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs. - -We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence -The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb, -But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover, -Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged- - -Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage -And code in a queue Have been biding their time, -Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs, -We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme. - -Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead. -We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed. -Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab. -You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean - hand... -% -And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it. -% -And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. -% -And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of -your own. - -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter - Preposterous Words -% -...and report cards I was always afraid to show -Mama'd come to school -and as I'd sit there softly cryin' -Teacher'd say he's just not tryin' -Got a good head if he'd apply it -but you know yourself -it's always somewhere else -I'd build me a castle -with dragons and kings -and I'd ride off with them -As I stood by my window -and looked out on those -Brooklyn roads - -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads" -% -And so it was, later, -As the miller told his tale, -That her face, at first just ghostly, -Turned a whiter shade of pale. - -- Procol Harum -% -And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and -fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it -looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One -approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin -is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then -of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides -gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this -procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom -youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and -Orson Welles. - -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" -% -And that's the way it is... - -- Walter Cronkite -% -And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence, -turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed, -the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no -clothes! He is naked!" - -- "The Emperor's New Clothes" -% -And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that -black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and -penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while -white children begin with a small separation but increase it during -growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress. - -- S. J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation" -% -And the silence came surging softly backwards -When the plunging hooves were gone... - -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners" -% -And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man -with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit. -% -And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal -rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports, -which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced -in design as one will find anywhere in the world. - -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" -% -And this is good old Boston, -The home of the bean and the cod, -Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots, -And the Cabots talk only to God. -% -And tomorrow will be like today, only more so. - -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version -% -And we heard him exclaim -As he started to roam: -"I'm a hologram, kids, -please don't try this at home!'" - -- Bob Violence -% -And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical -ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's -Commissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the -economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to -give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size -of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU -exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails -and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic -without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long -afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average -loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious -engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly -shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport. - -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago" -% -And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane? - She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same. - Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine - All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?" - -- The Grateful Dead -% -And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to -have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon -the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let -loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price: -in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest -license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value. - -- Charles Dickens -% -And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a -sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy, -and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to -face, we have politics. - -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, - "Root Crops and Ground Cover" -% -And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel, -because the bars close every time you're thirsty... -% -"And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for -you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going -and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said -he, earnestly. - -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere" -% -Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. -Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _n_e_e_d_s heroes. - -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo" -% -Andrea's Admonition: - Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. - If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, - it isn't and he can. -% -ANDROPHOBIA: - Fear of men. -% -Angels we have heard on High -Tell us to go out and Buy. - -- Tom Lehrer -% -Anger is momentary madness. - -- Horace -% -Anger kills as surely as the other vices. -% -Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen. -Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself. - -- Lazarus Long -% -Ankh if you love Isis. -% -Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!! - -Be the envy of other major Communist Governments! - -Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with -just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile ICs, -cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all -at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans -think you can, and that's the point, right?) -% -Anoint, v.: - To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently - slippery. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Another day, another dollar. - -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley, - upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald - Reagan. -% -Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build -and nobody wants to do maintenance. - -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Hocus Pocus" -% -Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. -% -Another megabytes the dust. -% -Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but -television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom -and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that -offers whiter teeth *_a_n_d* fresher breath. - -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" -% -Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone. - -- Pyrrhus -% -Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit. - -- Proverbs 26:5 -% -Anthony's Law of Force: - Don't force it; get a larger hammer. -% -Anthony's Law of the Workshop: - Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible - corner of the workshop. - -Corollary: - On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike - your toes. -% -Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood. -Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy. -% -Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude. -% -Antonio Antonio -Was tired of living alonio -He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio -Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode off on his polo ponio -Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid - In a bowery shade, - Sitting and knitting alonio. -Antonio Antonio -Said if you will be my ownio -I'll love you true Oh nonio Antonio -And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio -An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish - You singular fish - Is that you will quickly begonio. -Antonio Antonio -Uttered a dismal moanio -And went off and hid -Or I'm told that he did -In the Antarctical Zonio. -% -Antonym, n.: - The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. -% -Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig -[a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off -Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast -cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged. -Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on -them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention. - -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast - cars across Europe. -% -Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts -which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development. -% -Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. - -- Charles McCabe -% -Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a -mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside -than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring? -And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure? -Is there a better way to die? - -- Charles Lindbergh -% -Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a -representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a -representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone -capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously. - -- Richard Schickel -% -Any excuse will serve a tyrant. - -- Aesop -% -Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this -country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week. -% -Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a -wise person to be able to sell it. -% -Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know -how to lie well. - -- Samuel Butler -% -Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look -stupid. - -- Hedy Lamarr -% -Any given program will expand to fill available memory. -% -Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche -- -a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my -grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the -fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly -true. - -- Solomon Short -% -Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner. -% -Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit -rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out -of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that -requires a heroism which is transcendent. - -- Henry Ward Beecher -% -Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad. - -- Leo Rosten, on W. C. Fields -% -Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be -liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall -be deemed to be a cat. - -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London -% -Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there. - -- Sydney J. Harris -% -Any president should have the right to shoot -at least two people a year without explanation. - -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press -% -Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent. - -- Lazarus Long -% -Any problem in computer science can be solved with another layer -of indirection. - -- David Wheeler -% -Any program which runs right is obsolete. -% -Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used. -% -Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. -Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. -From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain. - -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune" -% -Any small object that is accidentally -dropped will hide under a larger object. -% -Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to -exactly the point of most pressure. - -- Milt Barber -% -Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. - -- Rich Kulawiec -% -Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. -% -Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. - -- Arthur C. Clarke -% -Any sufficiently simple directive can be obfuscated beyond reason -given proper legal counsel. - -- Alfred Perlstein -% -Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked -something. -% -Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. - -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. -% -Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. -% -Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen -has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government. - -- J. P. Morgan -% -Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years -organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office. - -- David Broder -% -Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the -sight of a police car is probably parked. -% -Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. -% -Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right -person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose -and in the right way -- that is not easy. - -- Aristotle -% -Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is -supposed to be doing at the moment. - -- Robert Benchley -% -Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. - -- Publilius Syrus -% -Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with -none. -% -Anyone can say "no." It is the first word a child learns and often the -first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no -explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for -intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of -thought on every occasion. - -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.) -% -Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty. -% -Anyone taking offence at fortune(s) is desperately lacking beer, in my -extremely humble opinion. - -- Philip Paeps -% -Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he -is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not -make messes in the house. - -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" -% -Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat. - -- Robert A. Heinlein -% -Anyone who describes Islam as a religion as intolerant encourages violence. - -- Tasnim Aslam, Spokesman for Pakistani Foreign Ministry -% -Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. - -- Samuel Goldwyn -% -Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you -that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?" -is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime -mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress. - -- Elizabeth Zwicky -% -Anyone who has had a bull by the tail -knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't. - -- Mark Twain -% -Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time -as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes. - -- Philippus Paracelsus -% -Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no -account be allowed to do the job. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, -recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one -particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people. - -- Eleanor Roosevelt -% -Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. - -- Groucho Marx -% -Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never -tried taking candy from a baby. - -- Robin Hood -% -Anything anybody can say about America is true. - -- Emmett Grogan -% -Anything cut to length will be too short. -% -Anything free is worth what you pay for it. -% -Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate. -% -Anything is possible on paper. - -- Ron McAfee -% -Anything is possible, unless it's not. -% -Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. -The label means the price went up. -The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" -means the price went way up. -% -Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate. -% -Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto -undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth. - -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air" -% -Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. -% -Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this -big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around -- -nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy -cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go -over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're -going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do -all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy, -but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy. - -- J. D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye" -% -Apathy Club meeting this Friday. -If you want to come, you're not invited. -% -Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution. -% -APHASIA: - Loss of speech in social scientists when asked - at parties, "But of what use is your research?" -% -Aphorism, n.: - A concise, clever statement. -Afterism, n.: - A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. - -- James Alexander Thom -% -APL hackers do it in the quad. -% -APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the -future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation -of coding bums. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 -% -APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming; -...and is best for educational purposes. - -- Alan J. Perlis -% -APL is a write-only language. I can write programs -in APL, but I can't read any of them. - -- Roy Keir -% -Appearances often are deceiving. - -- Aesop -% -APPENDIX: - A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use. -% -Applause, n.: - The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -April is the cruelest month... - -- Thomas Stearns Eliot -% -Aquadextrous, adj.: - Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub - faucet on and off with your toes. - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" -% -AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. - You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be - careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over - and over again. People think you are stupid. -% -AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18) - A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely - on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot - of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on - payday. Stop wetting your bed. -% -AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18) - You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what - you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either. - As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your - relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be - able to lend you a few bucks. -% -Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential -ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common -cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking -cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed, -then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've -never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work. - -- Peter Nelson -% -Arbitrary systems, pl.n.: - Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing -general can be said." -% -ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE -- - FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE -% -Are we not men? -% -Are we running light with overbyte? -% -Are Women Human? -In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men -representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote. -The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one -vote. -% -Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to -say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... - - Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard. - Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave? - If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too? - Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel? - Aren't you ashamed of yourself? - Don't you know any better? - How could you be so stupid? - If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful. - You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking. - If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all. -% -Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to -say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... - - Do as I say, not as I do. - Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know. - What did you do *this* time? - If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you. - When I was your age... - I won't love you if you keep doing that. - Think of all the starving children in India. - If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar. - I'm going to kill you. - Way to go, clumsy. - If you don't like it, you can lump it. -% -Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to -say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... - - Go away. You bother me. - Why? Because life is unfair. - That's a nice drawing. What is it? - Children should be seen and not heard. - You'll be the death of me. - You'll understand when you're older. - Because. - Wipe that smile off your face. - I don't believe you. - How many times have I told you to be careful? - Just because. -% -Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to -say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... - - Good children always obey. - Quit acting so childish. - Boys don't cry. - If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way. - Why do you have to know so much? - This hurts me more than it hurts you. - Why? Because I'm bigger than you. - Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy? - Oh, grow up. - I'm only doing this because I love you. -% -Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to -say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... - - When are you going to grow up? - I'm only doing this for your own good. - Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to - cry about. - What's wrong with you? - Someday you'll thank me for this. - You'd lose your head if it weren't attached. - Don't you have any sense at all? - If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off. - Why? Because I said so. - I hope you have a kid just like yourself. -% -Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to -say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... - - You wouldn't understand. - You ask too many questions. - In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders. - That's for me to know and you to find out. - Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick - up for yourself. - You're acting too big for your britches. - Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied? - Wait till your father gets home. - Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you. - Shape up or ship out. -% -Are you a turtle? -% -Are you making all this up as you go along? -% -Are you sure the back door is locked? -% -Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours. - -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul -% -Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone -in good society holds exactly the same opinion. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. - -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" -% -ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) - You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are - quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not - very nice. -% -ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19) - You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person - and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've - got a mean streak in you a mile wide. -% -ARITHMETIC: - An obscure art no longer practiced in - the world's developed countries. -% -Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. - -- Mickey Mouse -% -Armadillo, v.: - To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle. -% -Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh -autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet -Union. - -- P. J. O'Rourke -% -Armor's Axiom: - Virtue is the failure to achieve vice. -% -Armstrong's Collection Law: - If the check is truly in the mail, - it is surely made out to someone else. -% -Arnold's Laws of Documentation: - (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. - (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. - (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the - first two laws. -% -Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to -measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you -imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long? - -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 -% -Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote -a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from -one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work -to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death. -(He died in 1921.) - Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth, -flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this -fantasy... - What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung? -And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This -instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the -piece would be better known as: - SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"! -% -Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's -incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here." - -- Muad'dib, "Dune" -% -Art is a jealous mistress. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth. - -- Picasso -% -Art is anything you can get away with. - -- Marshall McLuhan -% -Art is either plagiarism or revolution. - -- Paul Gauguin -% -Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down. - -- Chazal -% -"Art" is the ability to separate the significant from the insignificant. - -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) -% -Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death. -% -Arthur's Laws of Love: - (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you - remind them of someone else. - (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will - be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool - of yourself in person. -% -Article the Third: - Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should - enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and - guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary. -Article the Fourth: - The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee" - and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's - face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war. -Article the Fifth: - Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church, - a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the - lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have - to last a lifetime and must be conserved. - -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights" -% -Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as -artificial flowers have to flowers. - -- David Parnas -% -Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. -% -As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. -% -As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are -interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick -perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, -"that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ... - -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" -% -As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and -I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. -This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. - -- Matt Cartmill -% -As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing -a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker. -Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different -glass. - The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out -with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass. - The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With -a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer -down in one gulp. - Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the -fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a -firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound. -NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!" -% -As crazy as hauling timber into the woods. - -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) -% -As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp -the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at -a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off. - -- Joseph Brodsky -% -As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not -certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. - -- Albert Einstein -% -As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. - -- Weisert -% -As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport. - -- William Shakespeare, "King Lear" -% -As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em, -We may live with, but cannot live without 'em. - -- Frederic Reynolds -% -As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter -of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard. - -- John F. Kennedy -% -As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote. -% -As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought -the potato salad. -% -As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of -religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the -methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions -- -to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven -years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the -untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy -- -and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and -high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are -surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind. - -- Steve Allen -% -As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very -pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!! - -- Jack Handey -% -As I thought, no better from this side. - -- Eeyore -% -As I was going up Punch Card Hill, - Feeling worse and worser, -There I met a C.R.T. - And it drop't me a cursor. - -C.R.T., C.R.T., - Phosphors light on you! -If I had fifty hours a day - I'd spend them all at you. - -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes -% -As I was passing Project MAC, -I met a Quux with seven hacks. -Every hack had seven bugs; -Every bug had seven manifestations; -Every manifestation had seven symptoms. -Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, -How many losses at Project MAC? -% -As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day, -I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay, -The words were torn and tattered, -From the storm the night before, -The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes, - -Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer, -Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear, -Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar, -And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star. - -Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidaire, -Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear, -Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three, -And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea. -% -As in certain cults it is possible to -kill a process if you know its true name. - -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie -% -As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into -smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different -in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting -norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a -computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by -IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish -standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original -standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan -allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive -innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and -imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven -images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies -on the austerity of the word. - -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 -% -As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great -industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech -and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That -man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American -talk like that. - -- Frank Hague (1896-1956) -% -As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? -% -As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic -schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve -The Problem, saving the documentation for later. -% -As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. -When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. - -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions" -% -As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. -One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly -useful and interesting, I just had to share it. - -Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" - - 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens. - 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse. - 3. Some people never look at me. - 4. Spinach makes me feel alone. - 5. My sex life is A-okay. - 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. - 7. I like to kill mosquitoes. - 8. Cousins are not to be trusted. - 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down. -10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating. -11. I think most people would cry to gain a point. -12. I cannot read or write. -13. I am bored by thoughts of death. -14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me. -15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker. -16. I am never startled by a fish. -17. My mother's uncle was a good man. -18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten. -19. People who break the law are wise guys. -20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend. -% -As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. -One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly -useful and interesting, I just had to share it. - -Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" - - 1. I think beavers work too hard. - 2. I use shoe polish to excess. - 3. God is love. - 4. I like mannish children. - 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears. - 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools. - 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye. - 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs. - 9. I believe I smell as good as most people. -10. Frantic screams make me nervous. -11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room - full of mice. -12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis. -13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease. -14. As a child I was deprived of licorice. -15. I would never shake hands with a gardener. -16. My eyes are always cold. -17. Cousins are not to be trusted. -18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. -19. I am never startled by a fish. -20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend. -% -As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape, -The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape; -It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field, -An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel! -Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie, -Follow it through, me canny lad O; -Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie, -Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O! - -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" -% -As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10. -Please update your programs. -% -As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL. -Please update your programs. -% -As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. -% -As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of -the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents: - -News articles that answer *your* questions, #1: - - Newsgroups: comp.sources.d - Subject: how do I run C code received from sources - Keywords: C sources - Distribution: na - - I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the - sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the - headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I - cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.) - - Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If - I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate - it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that - must be done? -% -As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs; -a process that traditionally requires some debugging. - -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service - conversion to a new computer system. -% -As some day it may happen that a victim must be found -I've got a little list -- I've got a little list -Of society offenders who might well be underground -And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed. - -- Koko, "The Mikado" -% -As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't -as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be -discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large -part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in -my own programs. - -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949 -% -As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably -because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. - -- Woody Allen -% -As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear, -bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete, -or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new -version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new -component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and -efficient test cases will usually be available. - -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" -% -As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there -is always a future in Computer Maintenance. - -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" -% -As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion, -as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see; -but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have, -with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his -divinity. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay. - -- Miguel de Cervantes -% -As Will Rogers would have said, -"There is no such things as a free variable." -% -As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory -aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order -chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the -proper time for chocolate. - -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" -% -As you grow older, you will still do foolish things, -but you will do them with much more enthusiasm. - -- The Cowboy -% -As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would -interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the -Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure -out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on -Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual -organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result, -birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never -see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and -stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations -with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are -talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both -highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant. - -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every - Teen Should Know" -% -As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull -your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you. -The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along -with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall -from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all -over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of -a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the -spider is suing you for damages. -% -As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one. - -- Dave "First Strike" Pare -% -As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." -% -Ascend to the high mountain pass, -Cross the shallow side of the wide ocean. -Do not give up to the great distance: -It's by going that you will reach your aim. -Be not discouraged by human frailty: -You will overcome it if you try to. - -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan -% -ASCII: - The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would - become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as - a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall - receive." - -- Robb Russon -% -ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer. -% -ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. -% -Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, -If God won't have you, the devil must. -% -Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if -one went to Harvard). - -- Edgar R. Fiedler -% -Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you -will pay only the station-to-station rate. - -- Howard Kandel -% -Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls. -% -Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... -if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee. -% -Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of. - -- J. J. Gibson -% -Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" -for an answer. -% -Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so. - -- John Stuart Mill -% -Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she -said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and -released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her -right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she -learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the -writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your -newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to -bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started -chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not -as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this, -everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim, -the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted, -and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he -couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for -two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman." - -- Garrison Keillor -% -Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a -lamp-post how it feels about dogs. - -- Christopher Hampton -% -Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity -and understanding of how computers work that it provides. - -- D. Gries -% -Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run -with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep -the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people -and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke. - -- Stanley Walker -% -Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus. -% -Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems. - -- D. Winker and F. Prosser -% -At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be -solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will -take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology -available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution. -In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There -is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general -relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving -a computer problem?" - "Remember the twin paradox?" - After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very -fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but -that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the -computer here, and accelerate the earth!" - The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When -the earth came back, they were presented with the answer: - - IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card. -% -At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is -not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where -it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest. - -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow -% -At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all -my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my -ignorance upon the shore. - -- Kahlil Gibran -% -At first, I just did it on weekends. With a few friends, you know... -We never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit -around the computer and do a little UNIX. It was just a kick. At -least that's what we thought. Then it got worse. - -It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays. After a -while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that -crave to go do UNIX. Then it started affecting my job. I would just -have to do it during my break. Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little -`more'. I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day. -Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even -function as a normal person. - -I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If -you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you -some UNIX, - - Just Say No! -% -At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on -the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is -quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather -than blinkers it. - -- G. L. Glegg, "The Design of Design" -% -At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, -a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. - -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985 -% -At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me, -"Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie. - -- Strange de Jim -% -At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. - -- J. B. White -% -At least they're _E_X_P_E_R_I_E_N_C_E_D incompetents. -% -At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his -thumb with a hammer. - -- Marshall Lumsden -% -At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement, -especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously --- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being -in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching -after fact and reason. - -- John Keats -% -At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the -coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick. - -- H. R. Gumby -% -At the end of your life there'll be a good rest, -and no further activities are scheduled. -% -At the foot of the mountain, thunder: -The image of Providing Nourishment. -Thus the superior man is careful of his words -And temperate in eating and drinking. -% -At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly -contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre -or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny -of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep -nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the -world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective -enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the -field on track. - -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection" -% -At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news -to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to -die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the -room, over to the man's bedside and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!" -The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor -grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron? -You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in -213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me, -gently!" - The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily -opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs -his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say... -guess who's going to die soon!" -% -At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find -at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. -% -At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume. - -- Peter G. Alaquon -% -At times discretion should be thrown aside, -and with the foolish we should play the fool. - -- Menander -% -At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the -number of pens that person is carrying. -% -Atheism is a non-prophet organization. -% -ATLANTA: - An entire city surrounded by an airport. -% -Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole -or street lamp. -% -Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. - -- Winston Churchill -% -Attempting to stop MySQL by buying companies around it is like trying -to kill a dolphin by drinking the ocean. - -- Marten Mickos -% -Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda -decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a -lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many -suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person -is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect." - -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85 -% -Auction, n.: - A gyp off the old block. -% -Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity. - -- G. J. Danton -% -Audiophile, n.: - Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music. -% -Auribus teneo lupum. -[I hold a wolf by the ears.] -% -AUTHENTIC: - Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion. -% -Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever -depths they were once able to plumb. - -- Stanley Kaufman -% -Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children. - -- Michael Joseph, "Observer" -% -Automobile, n.: - A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down - pedestrians. -% -Avec! -% -Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance. -% -Avoid cliches like the plague. -They're a dime a dozen. -% -Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight. -% -Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. - -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" -% -Avoid reality at all costs. -% -Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but -we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you. - -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student -% -Avoid strange women and temporary variables. -% -Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining -ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror -to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the -mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam -in 1959. - -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton - bad fiction contest. -% -Bacchus, n.: - A convenient deity invented by the ancients - as an excuse for getting drunk. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -BACHELOR: - A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. -% -BACHELOR: - A man who chases women and never Mrs. one. -% -Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears -that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign -correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were -invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the -West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?" - To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first. -Business before pleasure." -% -Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some -military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people -who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks. -Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the -problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with -written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people -(most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering -types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were -the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote -the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It -never really caught on. -% -Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, -uphill both ways and it was always snowing. -% -BACKWARD CONDITIONING: - Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring. -% -Bacon's not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string. -% -BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!! -% -Bad men live that they may eat and drink, -whereas good men eat and drink that they may live. - -- Socrates -% -Bagbiter: - 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually -intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This -bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on -obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the -bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS, -CHOMPER, CHOMPING. -% -Bagdikian's Observation: - Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper - is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukulele. -% -Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges! - -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre" -% -Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: - A block grant is a solid mass of money - surrounded on all sides by governors. -% -BALLISTOPHOBIA: - Fear of bullets; -OTOPHOBIA: - Fear of opening one's eyes. -PECCATOPHOBIA: - Fear of sinning. -TAPHEPHOBIA: - Fear of being buried alive. -SITOPHOBIA: - Fear of food. -TRICHOPHOBIA: - Fear of hair. -VESTIPHOBIA: - Fear of clothing. -% -BALTIMORE: - A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp. -% -Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. -% -Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: - The hippo has no sting, but the wise - man would rather be sat upon by the bee. -% -Banectomy, n.: - The removal of bruises on a banana. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. -% -Barach's Rule: - An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. -% -Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience: - (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes - and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends. - (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary - to continue the correspondence, he stops writing. -% -Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the -floor -- especially in the dark. -% -Barker's Proof: - Proofreading is more effective after publication. -% -Barometer, n.: - An ingenious instrument which indicates - what kind of weather we are having. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Barth's Distinction: - There are two types of people: those who divide people into two -types, and those who don't. -% -Baruch's Observation: - If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. -% -Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. - -- Tom Lehrer -% -Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes. - -- Will Rogers -% -Basic Definitions of Science: - If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. - If it stinks, it's chemistry. - If it doesn't work, it's physics. -% -Basic is a high level languish. -APL is a high level anguish. -% -BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of "Scientific Creationism." -% -BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. - -- Seymour Papert -% -BASIC, n.: - A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in - that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. -% -Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd -come in and sink my boats. - -- Woody Allen -% -Bathquake, n.: - The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water - faucet is turned on to a certain point. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Batteries not included. -% -Battle, n.: - A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that - will not yield to the tongue. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Be a better psychiatrist and the world -will beat a psychopath to your door. -% -BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.) -% -BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...) -% -Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely -get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your -face. - -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" -% -Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds. - -- Homer -% -Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. -% -Be careful! Is it classified? -% -Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10! -% -Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or -situations that can't bear inspection. -% -Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. - -- Mark Twain -% -Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours. - -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name" -% -Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom. -% -Be careful when you bite into your hamburger. - -- Derek Bok -% -Be cautious in your daily affairs. -% -Be cheerful while you are alive. - -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C. -% -Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better -to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman. - -- De Maintenon -% -Be different: conform. -% -Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse -the issue afterwards. -% -Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! -Things won't get any better so get used to it. -% -Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree. -% -Be independent. -Insult a rich relative today. -% -Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes; -nothing is safe while the legislature is in session. -% -Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down. - -- Wilson Mizner -% -Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are. - -- Pope St. Gregory I -% -Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream. -% -Be prepared to accept sacrifices. -Vestal virgins aren't all that bad. -% -Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent -and original in your work. - -- Flaubert -% -Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake. -% -Be self-reliant and your success is assured. -% -Be sociable. -Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow. -% -Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio. -% -Be valiant, but not too venturous. -Let thy attire be comely, but not costly. - -- John Lyly -% -Beachhead, n.: - In marketing: A small piece of a market over which you gain - control and from which you go out to control other pieces of - the market. - - In war: Where soldiers die. -% -Beam me up, Scotty! -% -Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser! -% -Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here! -% -Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will. -% -BEAUTY: - What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand. -% -Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life. -% -Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two. -% -Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God. - -- Jean Anouilh -% -Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all -Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. - -- John Keats -% -Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. - -- Redd Foxx -% -Because I do, -Because I do not hope, -Because I do not hope to survive -Injustice from the Palace, death from the air, -Because I do, only do, -I continue... - -- T. S. Pynchon -% -Because the wine remembers. -% -Because we don't think about future generations, -they will never forget us. - -- Henrik Tikkanen -% -Been through hell? -What did you bring back for me? -% -Been Transferred Lately? -% -Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore. -% -Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions. -% -Bees are very busy souls -They have no time for birth controls -And that is why in times like these -There are so many Sons of Bees. -% -Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. - -- Addison H. Hallock -% -Before destruction a man's heart is -haughty, but humility goes before honour. - -- Psalms 18:12 -% -...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech -or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What -did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was -manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of -this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my -power of meddling. - -- Joseph Conrad -% -Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone. -% -Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage -they are "Let's eat out." -% -Before really embarking on a sizeable project, in particular before -starting the large investment of coding, try to kill the project -first. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, EWD1308 -% -Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego. -% -Before you ask more questions, think about whether -you really want to know the answers. - -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator" -% -Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. -That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have -their shoes. -% -Begathon, n.: - A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so -you won't have to watch commercials. -% -Beggar to well-dressed businessman: - "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?" -% -Beggars should be no choosers. - -- John Heywood -% -Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. -% -Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek. -% -Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear. -% -Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which -is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but -the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that -basket!" - -- Mark Twain -% -Behold the warranty -- the bold print -giveth and the fine print taketh away. -% -Beifeld's Principle: - The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and -receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is -already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better -looking and richer male friend. -% -Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry. -% -Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and -stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very -opposite applies with the judges. - -- Beyond the Fringe -% -Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, -since it consists principally of dealings with men. - -- Conrad -% -Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome -to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over -and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?" - "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed -seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me." -% -Being conservative has never been regarded as old-fashioned. But -if you fight for a sensible step in the right direction which others -has deserted you will be branded "reactionary". - -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) -% -"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff> -% -Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real -disasters in life begin when you get what you want. -% -Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart -enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important. - -- Eugene McCarthy -% -Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the -Boy Scouts have adult supervision. - -- Blake Clark -% -Being owned by someone used to be called -slavery -- now it's called commitment. -% -Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you. -% -Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to -standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons. - -- unnamed Justice Department official -% -Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet. -% -Belief, n.: - Something you do not believe. -% -Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too -impossibly bad. - -- Honore de Balzac -% -Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone. -% -Ben, why didn't you tell me? - -- Luke Skywalker -% -Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: - (1) Houses are for people to live in. - (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. - (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. -% -Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence. - -- Time Bandits -% -Benson's Dogma: - ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit. -% -Bento's Law: If It Can Break, It Will Break -Bento's Corollary: If It Can Break, Kris Can Send Mail About It -% -Berkeley had what we called "copycenter," which is "take it down -to the copy center and make as many copies as you want." - -- Kirk McKusick -% -Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and -none of his friends like him either. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been -transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in -Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination of MBH by non-WASPs had taken -place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental -surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet, -MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District. -For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was -rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious: -"Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them, -after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?" - "I rilly don't know," said Bernard. - "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?" - "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain." - "The test or the room?" - "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain." - "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no. -Fats laughed and said, "Listen, Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this -great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you -tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie, -why?" - "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain." - -- House of God -% -Bershere's Formula for Failure: - There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who - listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody. -% -Besides the device, the box should contain: - -* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" - -* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two - club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. - -YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram -cable. - -IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your -spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car -that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King -without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's -why." - -WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. - -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" -% -Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969 -judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who -doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American -history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor -at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of -them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our -victuals being spent and especially our beer." - -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual -% -Best Mistakes In Films - In his "Filmgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists -four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all -possible. - In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a -street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window. - In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned -with television aerials. - In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his -fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill -in the background. - In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is -clearly visible on one of the leading characters. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -Best of all is never to have been born. -Second best is to die soon. -% -Beta test, v.: - To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's - sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three. - In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos. -% -Better by far you should forget and -smile than that you should remember and be sad. - -- Christina Rossetti -% -Better dead than mellow. -% -Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come -around while you have your life in such a mess. -% -Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it. -% -Better late than never. - -- Titus Livius (Livy) -% -Better living a beggar than buried an emperor. -% -better !pout !cry -better watchout -lpr why -santa claus <north pole >town - -cat /etc/passwd >list -ncheck list -ncheck list -cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist -cat list | grep nice >giftlist -santa claus <north pole >town - -who | grep sleeping -who | grep awake -who | egrep 'bad|good' -for (goodness sake) { - be good -} -% -Better the prince of some inferior court, -Than second, or less, in beatific light. - -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer" -% -Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all. -% -Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. - -- motto of the Christopher Society -% -Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment. -% -Better tried by twelve than carried by six. - -- Jeff Cooper -% -Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, -left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a -bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort -pushing boulders into a single word. - It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. -Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin -equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the -destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both -Parliament and Party. - It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other -planets, this may be the first message received from us. - -- The Realist, November, 1964 -% -Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree. -% -Between infinite and short there is a big difference. - -- G. H. Gonnet -% -Between the idea -And the reality -Between the motion -And the act -Falls the Shadow - -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man" - - [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when - referring to system service dispatching.] -% -BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature. -% -Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie. -% -Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe. -% -Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe. -% -Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather -a new wearer of clothes. - -- Henry David Thoreau -% -Beware of Bigfoot! -% -Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not -tried it. - -- Donald E. Knuth -% -Beware of computerized fortune-tellers! -% -Beware of friends who are false and deceitful. -% -Beware of geeks bearing graft. -% -Beware of low-flying butterflies. -% -Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The -danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with -the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell. - -- St. Augustine -% -Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. - -- Leonard Brandwein -% -Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a -drip under pressure. -% -Beware of strong drink. It can make you -shoot at tax collectors -- and miss. - -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" -% -Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question. -% -Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything -is possible but nothing of interest is easy. -% -Beware the new TTY code! -% -Beware the one behind you. -% -Bi, n.: - When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert. -% -Bierman's Laws of Contracts: - (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's". - (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's". - (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's". -% -Big book, big bore. - -- Callimachus -% -Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice -Are making midnight music in the moonlight, -Mighty nice! -% -Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same. -% -Biggest security gap -- an open mouth. -% -Bilbo's First Law: - You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels. -% -Bill Dickey is learning me his experience. - -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season -% -Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from - generation to generation? -Mom: Yes? -Billy: Well, this generation dropped it. -% -Binary, adj.: - Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. -% -Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise, -and you'll be Gary, Indiana. - -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace" -% -Bing's Rule: - Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach. -% -Biology grows on you. -% -Biology is the only science in which -multiplication means the same thing as division. -% -Bipolar, adj.: - Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, -New York -% -Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black -nightgowns do with keeping warm. - -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom" -% -Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues. -% -Birth, n.: - The first and direst of all disasters. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want. -% -Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the -behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an -absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that -time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in -time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend -on the observer's movement in restaurants. - -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything" -% -Bit, n.: - A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color - refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25 - cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years - ago. -% -Bit off more than my mind could chew, -Shower or suicide, what do I do? - -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?" -% -Biz is better. -% -Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic. -% -Bizoos, n.: - The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a - basketball. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks -are involved in when they burn stores. - -- Julius Lester -% -Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies, -Shy little angels as gentle as puppies, -Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish, -They were just some of my tropical fish. - -Then I got mantas that sting in the water, -Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter, -Savage male betas that bite with a squish, -Now I have many less tropical fish. - - If you think that - Fish are peaceful - That's an empty wish. - Just dump them together - And leave them alone, - And soon you will have -- no fish. - -- To My Favorite Things -% -Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide, -The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side, -A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide, -She wants to hit those bricks, - 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline, -While the millionaires hide in Beekman place, -The bag ladies throw their bones in my face, -I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound, -I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down... - -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses" -% -Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault. -% -Blessed are the forgetful: for they -get the better even of their blunders. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. - -- Herbert Hoover -% -Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded -to say it. - -- James Russell Lowell -% -Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, -for they Shall be Known as Wheels. -% -Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed. - -- W. C. Bennett -% -Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. - -- Alexander Pope -% -Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it, -for he shall enjoy living. - -- W. C. Bennett -% -Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, -abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact. - -- George Eliot -% -Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies. - -- David Nichols -% -BLISS is ignorance. -% -Blithwapping, v.: - Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the - wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc. - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" -% -Blood flows down one leg and up the other. -% -Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. -% -Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: - The judge's jokes are always funny. -% -Blore's Razor: - Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is -funnier. -% -Blow it out your ear. -% -Blue paint today. - [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.] -% -Blutarsky's Axiom: - Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason. -% -Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel. -% -Boling's postulate: - If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. -% -Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: - Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so - vividly manifests their lack of progress. -% -Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: - Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. -% -Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them -seemed to come from Texas. - -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale" -% -Bondage maybe, discipline never! - -- T. K. -% -Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!" -% -BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH! -% -Boob's Law: - You always find something in the last place you look. -% -Booker's Law: - An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. -% -Bore, n.: - A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. - -- Walter Winchell -% -Bore, n.: - A person who talks when you wish him to listen. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Boren's Laws: - (1) When in charge, ponder. - (2) When in trouble, delegate. - (3) When in doubt, mumble. -% -Boss, n.: - According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the - words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, - in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an - ornamental stud." -% -Boston, n.: - An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic. -% -Boston, n.: - Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for -finishing second in the Irish jig competition. -% -Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry -that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation -straightened out for a crowbar. - -- O. W. Holmes -% -Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and -interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible -on the same communications line connection. - -- Bell System Technical Reference -% -Boucher's Observation: - He who blows his own horn always plays the music - several octaves higher than originally written. -% -Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding. - -- Ralph Lewin -% -Bower's Law: - Talent goes where the action is. -% -Bowie's Theorem: - If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. -% -Boy! Eucalyptus! -% -Boy, get your head out of the stars above, -You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. -Save your heart and let your body be enough, -To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. -Save your heart and let your body be enough, -And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. - -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love" -% -Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the -'Advanced Systems Development' group! -% -Boy, life takes a long time to live. - -- Steven Wright -% -Boy, n.: - A noise with dirt on it. -% -Boy, that crayon sure did hurt! -% -Boycott meat - suck your thumb. -% -Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least -when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. - -- James Thurber -% -Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. - -- Kin Hubbard -% -Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band -together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a -tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo -on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others. -They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk -clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix. -Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean -well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They -like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time, -which is all the time. - -- The Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head" -% -Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the -unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only -(gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend -to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.' - -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking - Style" -% -Bradley's Bromide: - If computers get too powerful, we can organize - them into a committee -- that will do them in. -% -Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: - When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more - easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger - have handled this?" -% -Brain fried -- core dumped -% -Brain, n.: - The apparatus with which we think that we think. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: - To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source - of error in an opponent. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a -theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in -Multics, adj.: - Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication - that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage, - because he/she should have known better. Calling something - brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable. -% -Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates, -is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led -off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard -single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and -kept going, sliding safely into third base. - With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at -bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first. -Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy -took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third. - I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy -start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide -into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and -shouts, "Back to second if I can make it." - -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" -% -Brandy-and-water spoils two good things. - -- Charles Lamb -% -Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science. - -- Randy Goebel -% -Break into jail and claim police brutality. -% -Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, -since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -Breathe deep the gathering gloom. -Watch lights fade from every room. -Bed-sitter people look back and lament; -another day's useless energies spent. - -Impassioned lovers wrestle as one. -Lonely man cries for love and has none. -New mother picks up and suckles her son. -Senior citizens wish they were young. - -Cold-hearted orb that rules the night; -Removes the colors from our sight. -Red is grey and yellow white. -But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion." - -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed" -% -Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience. -% -Bride, n.: - A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Bridge ahead. Pay troll. -% -Briefcase, n.: - A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party. -% -Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of -data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover -an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order -and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation -which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation -in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct -hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to -construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to -assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves -only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity -of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the -analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to -appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses. - -- A. Benjamin -% -Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati - girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba; -i borogovi eran tutti mimanti - e la moma radeva fuorigraba. - -"Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco, - dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante; -fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco - metti infine il frumioso Bandifante". - -- "The Jabberwock" -% -Bringing computers into the home won't change -either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon. -% -Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast -more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate. -If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if -brusque, your character. - -- Jonathan Swift -% -British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive -it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps. - -- Peter Ustinov -% -British Israelites: - The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to -be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria -on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future -can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably -means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also -believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come -and take all your teeth. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -Broad-mindedness, n.: - The result of flattening high-mindedness out. -% -Brogan's Constant: - People tend to congregate in the back - of the church and the front of the bus. -% -Brokee, n.: - Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker. -% -Brontosaurus Principle: - Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them -in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when -this occurs, they are an endangered species. - -- Thomas K. Connellan -% -Brooke's Law: - Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool - discovers something which either abolishes the system or - expands it beyond recognition. -% -Brooks' Law: - Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later -% -Brucify, v.: - 1: Kill by nailing onto style(9); "David O'Brien was brucified" - 2: Annoy constantly by reminding of potential improvements - [syn: {torment}, {rag}, {tantalize}, {bedevil}, {dun}, - {frustrate}] - 3: Fix problems that were indicated in an earlier brucification - (of one of the two other meanings). -The word 'brucify' originally comes from the style-reviews of Bruce -Evans of the FreeBSD project, but is now also sometimes used for -reviews just done in his spirit. -% -BS: You remind me of a man. -B: What man? -BS: The man with the power. -B: What power? -BS: The power of voodoo. -B: Voodoo? -BS: You do. -B: Do what? -BS: Remind me of a man. -B: What man? -BS: The man with the power... - -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer" -% -Bubble Memory, n.: - A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's -intelligence. See also "vacuum tube". -% -Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang. -% -Bucy's Law: - Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. -% -Bug, n.: - An aspect of a computer program which exists because the -programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he -wrote the program. - -Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. - -- Ray Simard -% -Bug, n.: - An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. - The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends - when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. - -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 -% -Bugs, pl. n.: - Small living things that small living boys throw on small - living girls. -% -Building translators is good clean fun. - -- T. Cheatham -% -BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the - outfit." -GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" -BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..." - -- Jay Ward, "Rocky and Bullwinkle" -% -Bumper sticker: - All the parts falling off this car are - of the very finest British manufacture. -% -Bunker's Admonition: - You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it. -% -Burbulation, v.: - The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in - an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on. - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" -% -Bureau Termination, Law of: - When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, - the number of employees in that bureau will double within - 12 months after the decision is made. -% -Bureaucracy, n.: - A method for transforming energy into solid waste. -% -Bureaucrat, n.: - A person who cuts red tape sideways. - -- J. McCabe -% -Bureaucrat, n.: - A politician who has tenure. -% -Burke's Postulates: - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. - Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer. -% -Burn's Hog Weighing Method: - (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a - sawhorse. - (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank. - (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again - perfectly balanced. - (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks. - -- Robert Burns -% -Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas. - -- Ken Weaver -% -Bus error -- driver executed. -% -Bus error -- please leave by the rear door. -% -Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai! -% -Business is a good game -- lots of competition -and minimum of rules. You keep score with money. - -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari -% -Business will be either better or worse. - -- Calvin Coolidge -% -But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer! -% -But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations -paws. -% -But, for my own part, it was Greek to me. - -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" -% -But has any little atom, - While a-sittin' and a-splittin', -Ever stopped to think or CARE - That E = m c**2 ? -% -But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness. -I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to -kill more than I could eat. - -- Raoul Duke -% -But I don't like Spam!!!! -% -"But I don't want to go on the cart..." -"Oh, don't be such a baby!" -"But I'm feeling much better..." -"No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!" - -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail" -% -But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go -back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you -what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous -to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something -true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or -theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might -even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of -crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is -that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away -with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not -everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It -therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such -arrogance down. - -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room" -% -But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable -nowadays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study. - -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge" -% -But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the -system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, -analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. - -- Bruce Leverett, - "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers" -% -But it does move! - -- Galileo Galilei -% -But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come! -% -But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane, -In proving foresight may be vain: -The best laid schemes o' mice an' men -Gang aft a-gley, -An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain -For promised joy. - -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785 -% -But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch! -% -But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green! -% -But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast -to the nearest gas station. -% -But scientists, who ought to know -Assure us that it must be so. -Oh, let us never, never doubt -What nobody is sure about. - -- Hilaire Belloc -% -But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day. -% -But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than -frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them? - -- M. Proust -% -But soft you, the fair Ophelia: -Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, -But get thee to a nunnery -- go! - -- Mark "The Bard" Twain -% -But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who -was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal -education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in -1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of -American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was -invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he -invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant -adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends -electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the -electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant -part) sends it right back to the customer again. - -This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch -of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since -very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. -In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United -States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it -ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate -increases. - -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" -% -But these pills can't be habit forming; -I've been taking them for years. -% -But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad -place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. -Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What -is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not -enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? -Have I explained yet about the bytes? -% -But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable -computers? -% -But you shall not escape my iambics. - -- Gaius Valerius Catullus -% -But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical -reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than -those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature. - -- Leonardo da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds" -% -Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes -Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; -Less dear than army ants in apple pies -Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, -Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; -Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose -They suck, and like the double-breasted suit -Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, -Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; -And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: -Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; -Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. -Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, -Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. -% -Buzzword, n.: - The fly in the ointment of computer literacy. -% -By doing just a little every day, you can -gradually let the task completely overwhelm you. -% -By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. -% -By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other -designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun. - -- P. J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April - Fool's column. -% -By nature, men are nearly alike; -by practice, they get to be wide apart. - -- Confucius -% -By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. -In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others -as it is to invent. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson - -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program - (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") - [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to - misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.] -% -By perseverance the snail reached the Ark. - -- Charles Spurgeon -% -By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death. - -- Titus Lucretius Carus -% -By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began -to suspect "Hungry" ... - -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side" -% -By the time you swear you're his, -shivering and sighing -and he vows his passion is -infinite, undying -- -Lady, make a note of this: -One of you is lying. - -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence" -% -By the yard, life is hard. -By the inch, it's a cinch. -% -By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. -Another man's, I mean. - -- Mark Twain -% -By working faithfully eight hours a day, -you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve. - -- Robert Frost -% -BYOB, v.: - Believing Your Own Bull -% -Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to -point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very -fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are -often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people -from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B -that so many people from point A are so keen to get _t_h_e_r_e. They often -wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell -they wanted to be. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then -carefully print the chaff. -% -Byte your tongue. -% -C Code. -C Code Run. -Run, Code, RUN! - PLEASE!!!! -% -C for yourself. -% -C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360. -% -C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that -harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. - -- Bjarne Stroustrup -% -C, n.: - A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like - assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything - else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or - it isn't. - -- Ray Simard -% -Cabbage, n.: - A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as - a man's head. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception. - -- The Mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989 -% -Cache: - A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one - is supposed to know is there. -% -California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. - -- Fred Allen -% -Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God -and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your -coffee. -% -Call on God, but row away from the rocks. - -- Indian proverb -% -Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the -current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled -damnation. - -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the - Life of Hall" - - [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when - referring to logical names.] -% -Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people! - -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" -% -Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes, -Calm down, it's only bits and bytes, -Calm down, and speak to me in English, -Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites. -% -Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die." -Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?" -Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?" -% -Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle. - -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth -% -Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man -who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont. - -- Clarence Darrow -% -Campbell's Law: - Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter. -% -Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me. -% -Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two -points. - -- M. M. Johnston -% -Can anyone remember when the times -were not hard, and money not scarce? -% -Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? -Yes, work never begun. -% -"Can you be more stupid than aggravating the judge AND your lawyer? -No? Oh yes you can: You can aggravate the whole kernel community." - -- Alexander Lyamin (about Hans Reisers murder trial) -% -Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the -only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price. - -- Robert J. Ringer -% -Canada Bill Jones's Motto: - It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. - -Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: - A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. -% -Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. -It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. - -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post -% -Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? -Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, -A root or two, a torus and a node: -The inverse of my verse, a null domain. - -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" -% -CANCER (June 21 - July 22) - This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy, - but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are - poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough - when you're poor and unhappy. -% -CANCER (June 21 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's -problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things -off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare -recipients are Cancer people. -% -Canonical, adj.: - The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story: -One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use -of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as -much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in. -Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like -fashion without thinking. - Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" - Stallman: "What did he say?" - Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." -% -Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances. - -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test - Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" -% -Can't open /usr/games/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar. -% -Can't open /usr/share/games/fortune/fortunes.dat. -% -Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for -the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all. - -- John Maynard Keynes -% -CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19) - Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important - part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much - luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are - a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers - don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha. -% -CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) - Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything - else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget - it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse. -% -CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do - much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn - of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for - too long as they tend to take root and become trees. -% -Captain Penny's Law: - You can fool all of the people some of the time, and - some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. -% -Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5... -% -Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. -Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, -mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it -takes. -% -Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and -trousers that don't match. -% -Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print -the name Craney incorrectly. - -- Jim Canrey -% -Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of -fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, -the same can be said of dirt. -% -Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: - The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a - dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, - then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Carson's Consolation: - Nothing is ever a complete failure. - It can always be used as a bad example. -% -Carson's Observation on Footwear: - If the shoe fits, buy the other one too. -% -Carswell's Corollary: - Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, - nature invariably comes up with a better mouse. -% -Cat, n.: - Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer. -% -Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world. - -- The Beach Boys -% -Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles. - -- Howard Chaykin -% -Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so. -% -Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. - -- Garrison Keillor -% -Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull -a sled through the snow. -% -Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind. -% -Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. - -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson" -% -Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health. -% -Caution: Keep out of reach of children. -% -CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. -% -CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude... -% -Cecil, you're my final hope -Of finding out the true Straight Dope -For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat -But none of my cats are at all like that. -This unusual animal (so it is said) -Is simultaneously alive and dead! -What I don't understand is just why he -Can't be one or the other, unquestionably. -My future now hangs in between eigenstates. -In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't. -If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way -And rescue my psyche from quantum decay. -But if this queer thing has perplexed even you, -Then I will *_a_n_d* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo. - -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium - of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams -% -Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. -% -Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center -of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An -incorrect model can be a useful tool. - -- Kelvin Throop III -% -Census Taker to Housewife: -Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many? -% -Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543. -% -Cerebral atrophy, n.: - The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and -impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause -symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic -performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to -everyday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort -and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become -victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying. - -Cerebral darwinism, n.: - The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed -through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of -alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through -the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die -first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the -imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity. -Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic -performance actually increases beyond previous levels. -% -Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. -Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you ... something -Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy - out of it? -Jaka: Ugh! -Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? - -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret" -% -Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long -walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They -then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy -health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, -not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find -only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the -others who have tried it. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and -the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court -of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate -which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, -the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground -nuts, as would but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts -(unground) (other than ground nuts) by reason of their being nuts -(unground)." - -- Guinness Book of World Records, 1973 -% -Certainly the game is rigged. -Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win. - -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" -% -Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, -But it's very funny -- -did you ever try buying them without money? - -- Ogden Nash -% -C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre! -% -C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique. - -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341] -% -CF&C stole it, fair and square. - -- Tim Hahn -% -Chairman of the Bored. -% -Chamberlain's Laws: - 1: The big guys always win. - 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken. -% -Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign. - -- Anatole France -% -Change your thoughts and you change your world. -% -Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles. - -- Kathleen Norris -% -Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world. -% -Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay - - The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by -Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation -that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never -quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his -mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define -a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation -can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human -race in general. -% -Character density, n.: - The number of very weird people in the office. -% -Character is what you are in the dark! - -- Lord John Whorfin -% -Charity begins at home. - -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) -% -Charity, n.: - A thing that begins at home and usually stays there. -% -Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth? -Linus: To make others happy. -Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth? -% -Charlie was a chemist, -But Charlie is no more. -What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4. -% -Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" -- -without having asked any clear question. -% -Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap. -% -Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers... -they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key! -% -Checkuary, n.: - The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends - when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks. -% -Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate. -% -Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality. - -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play" -% -Chef, n.: - Any cook who swears in French. -% -Cheit's Lament: - If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you-- - the next time he's in need. -% -Chemicals, n.: - Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. -% -Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work. -% -Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks. -% -Chemistry is applied theology. - -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III -% -Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react. -% -Cheops' Law: - Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. -% -Chess tonight. -% -Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire. -% -Chicago, n.: - Where the dead still vote ... early and often! -% -Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: - Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn - headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer". - -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81 -% -Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: - The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request -for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will -cheerfully baste you. - -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82 -% -Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?" -Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?" -% -Chicken Little only has to be right once. -% -Chicken Little was right. -% -Chicken Soup, n.: - An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, - cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup - can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother. - -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" -% -Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that -shivers when it's warm. -% -Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like -them. That's when they come over and violate your body space. -% -Children are natural mimics who act like their parents -despite every effort to teach them good manners. -% -Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're -going to catch you in next. - -- Franklin P. Jones -% -Children aren't happy without something to ignore, -And that's what parents were created for. - -- Ogden Nash -% -Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. -Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually -repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. -% -Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. - -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" -% -Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks." -% -Chism's Law of Completion: - The amount of time required to complete a government project is - precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. -% -Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: - When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. -% -Chivalry, Schmivalry! - Roger the thief has a - method he uses for - sneaky attacks: -Folks who are reading are - Characteristically - Always Forgetting to - Guard their own bac ... -% -Chocolate Chip. -% -Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as -a friend if she were a man. - -- Joubert -% -Chorus: - Grandma got run over by a reindeer, - Walking home from our house Christmas eve. - You can say there's no such thing as Santa, - But as for me and Grandpa, we believe! -She'd been drinking too much eggnog, -And we begged her not to go. -But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning, -And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack. - out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead, - And incriminating claus-marks on her -Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back. -He's been taking this so well. -See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and -Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors, - with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves! - They should never give a license, - To a man who drives a sleigh and - plays with elves! - -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" -% -Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him. -% -Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens; -Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens; -Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens, -Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again. - -On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll, -Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil, -There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil, -The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice. - -It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings, -It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things. -Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants, -What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay. - Angels We Have Heard On High, -Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy. -Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo... -Driving his reindeer across the sky, -Don't stand underneath when they fly by! - -- Tom Lehrer -% -Churchill's Commentary on Man: - Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, - but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. -% -Cigarette, n.: - A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in - between. -% -Cinemuck, n.: - The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which - covers the floors of movie theaters. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances. - -- Herodotus -% -Civilization and profits go hand in hand. - -- Calvin Coolidge -% -Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening. -See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information. -% -Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. - -- Mark Twain -% -Clairvoyant, n.: - A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that - which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a - blockhead. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who -aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy. - -- Samuel Johnson -% -Clarke's Conclusion: - Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing. -% -Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class. -Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead. - -- "Bugsy" Siegel -% -Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're -leading the parade. - -- Bill Battie -% -Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune. - -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings" -% -Clay's Conclusion: - Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. -% -Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling -the walk before it stops snowing. - -- Phyllis Diller -% -Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. - -- P. J. O'Rourke -% -CLEVELAND: - Where their last tornado did six - million dollars worth of improvements. -% -Cleveland still lives. God _m_u_s_t be dead. -% -Cleveland? -Yes, I spent a week there one day. -% -Climate and Surgery - R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who -received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at -the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the -day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be -riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially -recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery. - -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861 -% -Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer. - "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?" - "Well, yes, I am." - "Sorry. We don't serve strings here." - The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse, -me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The -passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer, -please?" it asked the bartender. - The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped. -"Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?" - "No, I'm a frayed knot." -% -Clone, n.: - 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their - product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product - is a clone of our product." -% -Clones are people two. -% -Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. -% -Clothes make the man. -Naked people have little or no influence on society. - -- Mark Twain -% -Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly: - The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated - than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, - bread becomes hard while crackers become soft. -% -Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm? -Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one. - -- Cheers, No Help Wanted - -Coach: How about a beer, Norm? -Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life. - -- Cheers, No Help Wanted - -Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm? -Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in. - -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights -% -Coach: How's it going, Norm? -Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'. - -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences - -Sam: What's up, Norm? -Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there. - -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action - -Coach: What's the story, Norm? -Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it. - -- Cheers, Endless Slumper -% -Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie? -Norm: Daddy wuvs you. - -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail - -Sam: What'd you like, Normie? -Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer. - -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man - -Sam: What will you have, Norm? -Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass - of whatever comes out of that tap. -Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm. -Norm: Call me Mister Lucky. - -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner -% -Coach: What's up, Norm? -Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach. - -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights - -Coach: What's shaking, Norm? -Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach. - -- Cheers, Snow Job - -Coach: Beer, Normie? -Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. - Eh, why not, I'm still young. - -- Cheers, Snow Job -% -COBOL: - An exercise in Artificial Inelegance. -% -COBOL: - Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic. -% -COBOL is for morons. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra -% -Cobol programmers are down in the dumps. -% -Code rot -- mostly caused by people redefining "fresh". - -- Wes Peters -% -Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a -terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead. -% -Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- -"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong. - -- Blair Houghton -% -Cohen's Law: - There is no bottom to worse. -% -Cohn's Law: - The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less - time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend - all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. -% -Coincidence, n.: - You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was - going on. -% -Coincidences are spiritual puns. - -- G. K. Chesterton -% -Cold, adj.: - When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own - pockets. -% -Cold hands, no gloves. -% -Cole's Law: - Thinly sliced cabbage. -% -Collaboration, n.: - A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the - other fellow can spell. -% -COLLEGE: - The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink. -% -College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the -faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if -the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, -legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the -loss to humanity. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -COLORADO: - Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel. -% -Colorless green ideas sleep furiously. -% -Column 1 Column 2 Column 3 - -0. integrated 0. management 0. options -1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility -2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability -3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility -4. functional 4. digital 4. programming -5. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept -6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase -7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection -8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware -9. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency - - The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select -the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces -"systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into -virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No -one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton, -"but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it." - -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship" -% -Colvard's Logical Premises: - All probabilities are 50%. -Either a thing will happen or it won't. - -Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: - This is especially true when - dealing with someone you're attracted to. - -Grelb's Commentary: - Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. -% -Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, -And every vector dreams of matrices. -Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: -It whispers of a more ergodic zone. - -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" -% -Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring -Your winter garment of repentance fling. -The bird of time has but a little way -To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing. - -- Omar Khayyam -% -Come home America. - -- George McGovern, 1972 -% -Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over, -Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober. - -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2 -% -Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, -Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, -Their indices bedecked from one to _n, -Commingled in an endless Markov chain! - -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" -% -Come live with me, and be my love, -And we will some new pleasures prove -Of golden sands, and crystal brooks, -With silken lines, and silver hooks. - -- John Donne -% -Come live with me and be my love, -And we will some new pleasures prove -Of golden sands and crystal brooks -With silken lines, and silver hooks. -There's nothing that I wouldn't do -If you would be my POSSLQ. - -You live with me, and I with you, -And you will be my POSSLQ. -I'll be your friend and so much more; -That's what a POSSLQ is for. - -And everything we will confess; -Yes, even to the IRS. -Some day on what we both may earn, -Perhaps we'll file a joint return. -You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint; -You'll share my life - up to a point! -And that you'll be so glad to do, -Because you'll be my POSSLQ. -% -Come, muse, let us sing of rats! - -- From a poem by James Grainger (1721-1767) -% -Come quickly, I am tasting stars! - -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne -% -Come, you spirits -That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here, -And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full -Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood, -Stop up the access and passage to remorse -That no compunctious visiting of nature -Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between -The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts, -And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers, -Wherever in your sightless substances -You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night, -And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell, -That my keen knife see not the wound it makes, -Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark, -To cry `Hold, hold!' - -- Lady Macbeth, "Macbeth" -% -Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public. -% -Coming to Stores Near You: - -101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring: - - (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog - It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing - I'm Not Misbehaving - -And A Whole Lot More... -% -Coming together is a beginning; - keeping together is progress; - working together is success. -% -Command, n.: - Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in - such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control. -% -Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways. - -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" -% -Commitment, n.: - Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. - The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. -% -Committee, n.: - A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group - decide that nothing can be done. - -- Fred Allen -% -Committee Rules: - (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. - (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this - stamps you as being wise. - (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the - others. - (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. - (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you - popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for. -% -Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to -be appointed to do the work. -% -Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at -different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. - -- Clive James -% -Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. - -- Josh Billings -% -Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. - -- Albert Einstein -% -Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. -Everyone thinks he has enough. - -- Rene Descartes, 1637 -% -Commoner's three laws of ecology: - 1) No action is without side-effects. - 2) Nothing ever goes away. - 3) There is no free lunch. -% -Communicate! It can't make things any worse. -% -Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness -of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule." - -- David Guaspari -% -Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software -has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It -either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade, -stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is -misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with -the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the -characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management. - -- Dan Klein -% -COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler -one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal. - -- J. N. Gray -% -Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, -is in the eye of the beholder. - -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter -% -Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's -courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not -be enough. - -- Gene Scott -% -COMPLEX SYSTEM: - One with real problems and imaginary profits. -% -COMPLIMENT: - When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true. -% -Compuberty, n.: - The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a - computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and - a sun4 is put online sharing files. -% -COMPUTER: - An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a - totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe - this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan. -% -Computer programmers do it byte by byte. -% -Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing. -% -Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available. -% -COMPUTER SCIENCE: - 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the - precision of the former and the success of the latter. - 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms. - 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious. - 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities. - 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light. - 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory. -% -Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about -telescopes. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra -% -Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view -adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance - -- Jim Horning -% -Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. -% -Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. -Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. - -- Gilb -% -Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. - -- Pablo Picasso -% -Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in -the world that just don't add up. -% -Computers can't cruise. Meandering is a foreign concept to them. -The computer assumes that all behavior is in pursuit of an ultimate -goal. Whenever a motorist changes his or her mind and veers off -course, the GPS lady issues that snippy announcement: "Recalculating!" - -- Joel Achenbach (www.slate.com, 20 Jun 2008) -% -Computers don't actually think. - You just think they think. - (We think.) -% -Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more -than the estimate the job will cost. -% -Conceit causes more conversation than wit. - -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld -% -Concept, n.: - Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than - $25,000. -% -Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed -from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds. - -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" -% -Condense soup, not books! -% -CONFERENCE: - A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear - what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what - he's already decided to do. -% -Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; -confess them to man and you will be laughed at. - -- Josh Billings -% -Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career. -% -Confession is good for the soul only in the sense -that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. - -- Peter de Vries -% -Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for -the reputation. - -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar -% -Confidant, confidante, n.: - One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you -fall flat on your face. - -- Dr. L. Binder -% -Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. -% -CONFIRMED BACHELOR: - A man who goes through life without a hitch. -% -Conflicting research paradigms -Have legitimized various crimes. - The worst we can see - Is in psychology, -Measuring reaction times. -% -Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative. -% -Confucius say too damn much! -% -Confucius say too much. - -- Recent Chinese proverb -% -Confusion will be my epitaph -as I walk a cracked and broken path -If we make it we can all sit back and laugh -but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying. - -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King" -% -Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system. -If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't -hesitate to ask! -% -Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that -would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that -you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer -maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS -OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY -UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED -IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD -WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND -SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, -RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, -RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE -FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? - -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" -% -Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid. - -He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the -Year award. -% -Congratulations! - -Some products leave home silently, some go kicking and screaming. If -v1.0 was the first born who came downstairs with shoes untied missing -a sock and a belt, then this one was a full fledged punk rocker -with neon hair and multiple piercings. I believe we squeezed it into -a suit and tie and brought its color back to an earth tone before it -left. - - -- An HP engineering project manager who shall remain - nameless to the development team after releasing - the second version of their product. -% -Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime. - - Mathematician's Proof: - 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all - odd numbers are prime. - Physicist's Proof: - 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental - error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... - Engineer's Proof: - 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime. - 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... - Computer Scientist's Proof: - 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime... -% -Connector Conspiracy, n.: - [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the -KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of -manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything) -to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old -stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive -interface devices. -% -Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe. -% -Conquering the world on horseback is easy; it is dismounting and -governing that is hard. - -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan -% -Conscience doth make cowards of us all. - -- William Shakespeare -% -Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts -when everything else feels great. -% -Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. - -- H. L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy" -% -Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you -wish you weren't. -% -CONSENT DECREE: - A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit - in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it - never admitted to in the first place. -% -Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich. - -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones] -% -Conservative, n.: - A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished - from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion... - -- Professor in the UCB physics department -% -Consider the following axioms carefully: - "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz." - and - "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it." -What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The -thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to -consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke". -% -Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal -it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only. - -- Titus Maccius Plautus -% -Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in -the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. - -- Josh Billings -% -CONSULTANT: - (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell - you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title - of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have - Calculator, Will Travel. -% -CONSULTANT: - An ordinary man a long way from home. -% -CONSULTANT: - [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con - (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of - "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who - has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase - and heavy wallet. -% -CONSULTANT: - Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a - lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth. -% -Consultants are mystical people who ask a -company for a number and then give it back to them. -% -CONSULTATION: - Medical term meaning "to share the wealth." -% -Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by -the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will -we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always -will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and -seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom. - -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed. -% -"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and -if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" - -- Lewis Carroll, - "Through the Looking-Glass, - and What Alice Found There" (1871) -% -Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern -technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat. -% -Convention is the ruler of all. - -- Pindar -% -Conversation enriches the understanding, -but solitude is the school of genius. -% -Conversation, n.: - A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath - is called the listener. -% -Conway's Law: - In any organization there will always be one person who knows - what is going on. - - This person must be fired. -% -Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the -line-up. - -- Raymond Chandler -% -COPYING MACHINE: - A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages, - and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't - interested in reading them. -% -Coronation, n.: - The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and - visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a - dynamite bomb. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Correction does much, but encouragement does more. - -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -% -Corrupt, adj.: - In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. -% -Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle -of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of -capitalism. - -- Walter Lippmann -% -Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner. -His job is to enforce the law and fight crime. - -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan -% -Corry's Law: - Paper is always strongest at the perforations. -% -Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell -at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure -the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse -mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention -being easier to stake. -% -Counting in binary is just like counting -in decimal -- if you are all thumbs. - -- Glaser and Way -% -Counting in octal is just like counting -in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs. - -- Tom Lehrer -% -Courage is fear that has said its prayers. -% -Courage is grace under pressure. -% -Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear. - -- Mark Twain -% -Courage is your greatest present need. -% -Court, n.: - A place where they dispense with justice. - -- Arthur Train -% -Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play. - -- William Congreve -% -Coward, n.: - One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that, -with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. - -- Wernher von Braun -% -Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!! -% -Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking -process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical -attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an -enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable -and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference -between adequacy and excellence. -% -Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for -peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being -ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll -say it was obvious all along. - -- Alan Ashley-Pitt -% -Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing. -% -Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility; -sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube. -% -Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man. - -- James Blish -% -CREDITOR: - A man who has a better memory than a debtor. -% -Crenna's Law of Political Accountability: - If you are the first to know about something bad, - you are going to be held responsible for acting on it, - regardless of your formal duties. -% -Crime does not pay... as well as politics. - -- A. E. Neuman -% -Critic, n.: - A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries - to please him. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship. - -- Zeuxis -% -Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've -seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves. - -- Brendan Behan -% -Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt? - -- Socrates' last words -% -Croll's Query: - If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? -% -Cropp's Law: - The amount of work done varies inversely - with the time spent in the office. -% -Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them. - -- Madonna -% -Cruickshank's Law of Committees: - If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it - will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so - much work has already been done on it. -% -Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME! -% -Crush! Kill! Destroy! -% -Cthulhu Cthucks! -% -Cthulhu for President! - (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.) -% -Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later. -% -Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why. -% -Cure the disease and kill the patient. - -- Francis Bacon -% -CURSOR: - One whose program will not run. - -- Robb Russon -% -Cursor address, n.: - "Hello, cursor!" - -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" -% -curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field -environment. - The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names, -addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial -matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more -people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don -Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG. -The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is -the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you -order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds". -Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses, -check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent, -possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10 -columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples -cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still -with us. - -MOZ DONG n. - Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da -Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l -Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y. - -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" -% -Custer committed Siouxicide. -% -Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight -of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat. - -- Gerry Youghkins - -If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people -don't like it. - -- Gerry Youghkins -% -Cutler Webster's Law: - There are two sides to every argument, unless a person - is personally involved, in which case there is only one. -% -Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It -eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the -business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation. - -- Johnny Hart -% -Cynic, n.: - A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not - as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of - plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Cynic, n.: - Experienced. -% -Cynic, n.: - One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced - eye. -% -Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why -several of us died of tuberculosis. - -- Jack Handey -% -<Daibashiw> Wasn't EMACS originally developed as a swap memory stresser, -though? - -<``Erik> lispos emulator? gotta admit it's well featured, the only thing -it lacks is a decent editor -% -DALLAS: - The city that chose Astroturf to - keep the cheerleaders from grazing. -% -Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor. -% -Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway! -% -Damn braces. - -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell" -% -Damn, I need a Coke! - -- Dr. William DeVries - [after implanting the first artificial human heart] -% -DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE! -% -Dare to be naive. - -- R. Buckminster Fuller -% -Dark and lonely on a summer night - Kill my landlord, - Kill my landlord. -The watchdog barkin' -Do he bite? - Kill my landlord, - Kill my landlord. -Slip in his window. -Break his neck. -Then his house I start to wreck -Got no reason, -What the heck? - Kill my landlord, - Kill my landlord. - C-I-L-L my landlord! - -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL -% -Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the -opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember. - -- Oliver Herford -% -Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold! - -- Princess Leia Organa -% -Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. -% -DATA: - An accrual of straws on the backs of theories. -% -DATA: - Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced - the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child. -% -Data is not information; -Information is not knowledge; -Knowledge is not wisdom; - -- Gary Flake -% -Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par." -Allen Gwinn: "Yours is." -% -David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans": - - * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO - * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE" - * Hourly motel rates - * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here - * Didn't just give up right away during World War II - like some countries we could mention - * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies - * Our well-behaved golf professionals - * Fabulous babes coast to coast -% -David Sarnoff, 1964: "The computer will become the hub of a vast network of -remote data stations and information banks feeding into the machine at -a transmission rate of a billion or more bits of information a -second. Laser channels will vastly increase both data capacity and the -speeds with which it will be transmitted. Eventually, a global -communications network handling voice, data and facsimile will -instantly link man to machine--or machine to machine--by land, air, -underwater, and space circuits. [The computer] will affect man's -ways of thinking, his means of education, his relationship to his physical -and social environment, and it will alter his ways of living... -[Before the end of this century, these forces] will coalesce into what -unquestionably will become the greatest adventure of the human mind." - -- Eugene Lyons, "David Sarnoff" 1966 -% -Davis' Law of Traffic Density: - The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to - 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time. -% -Davis's Dictum: - Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves. -% -Dawn, n.: - The time when men of reason go to bed. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. -% -%DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory --SYSTEM-F-VMSPDGERS, pudding between the ears -% -DEADWOOD: - Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are. -% -Dealing with failure is easy: - Work hard to improve. -Success is also easy to handle: - You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve. -% -Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation, -all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year. - -- C. N. Parkinson -% -Dear Emily: - How can I choose what groups to post in? - -- Confused - -Dear Confused: - Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After -all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you -should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate. -Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested. - Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event -that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you -expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the -header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in -the fringe groups. - -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette -% -Dear Emily: - I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to -summarize. What should I do? - -- Editor - -Dear Editor: - Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post -that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the -replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when -summarizing a vote. - -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette -% -Dear Emily: - I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize." -What should I do? - -- Doubtful - -Dear Doubtful: - Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to -dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are -much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by -mail. - -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette -% -Dear Emily: - I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should -I do? - -- Angry - -Dear Angry: - Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments -between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article -looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long -point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and -lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges. - -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette -% -Dear Emily: - I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I -tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for -his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired. -Everybody laughed at me. What can I do? - -- A Concerned Citizen - -Dear Concerned: - Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer -experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They -will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely -represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all -act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net -society. - Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things -like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they -understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant -literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if -possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper -- -they are always interested in good stories. -% -Dear Emily: - I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted -to. How about an example? - -- Still Confused - -Dear Still: - Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from -the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey -would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a -big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy -as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try -news.admin. If not, use news.misc. - The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics. -He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also -interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to -soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to -news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of -interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as -well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles -there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.) - You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each -group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders -will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this. - -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette -% -Dear Emily: - Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature. -What should I do? - -- Forgetful - -Dear Forgetful: - Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says, -"Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here -it is." - Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article, -(particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy -signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more -about the signature anyway. - -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette -% -Dear Emily, what about test messages? - -- Concerned - -Dear Concerned: - It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test -merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please -ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips -a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female -but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth -by all USEnauts. - -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette -% -Dear Freshman, - You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but -unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather -prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by -mistake, and you came to school here by mistake. -% -Dear Lord: - I just want *_o_n_e* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On -the other hand", again. -% -Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may -have to eat them. -% -Dear Miss Manners: - My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's -elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between -courses, is all right. Which is correct? - -Gentle Reader: - For the purpose of answering examinations in your home -economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle -of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning -correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is. -% -Dear Miss Manners: -I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of -rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection? -This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella -protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting -soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken, -and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my -umbrella without seeming insulting? - -Gentle Reader: -Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper, -although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how -attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss -Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection -before making your attack. -% -Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part -of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old -will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a -commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as -"Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a -table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always -says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean, -"Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this -complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim -if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a -dead bat? - -Answer: Yes. - -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" -% -Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? - -Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs -to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: -WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S. -Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered -small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random -words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. - -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" -% -Dear Ms. Postnews: - I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What - should I do? - -- Eager Beaver - -Dear Eager: - No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people -read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm -posting it. All others please ignore." - This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning -over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective -time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet -maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute -your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call -directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost -as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call! - And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's -money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight -letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp! - Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through, -so post it as many places as you can. - -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette -% -Death before dishonor. -But neither before breakfast. -% -Death comes on every passing breeze, -He lurks in every flower; -Each season has its own disease, -Its peril -- every hour. - -- Reginald Heber -% -Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats. -% -Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort -of like a shell leaving the nut behind. - -- Erma Bombeck -% -Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. -% -Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. - -- R. Geis -% -Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. -% -Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'. -% -Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. -% -Death is only a state of mind. - -Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else. -% -Death rays don't kill people, people kill people! -% -Death to all fanatics! -% -DEATH WISH: - The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to. -% -Debug is human, de-fix divine. -% -Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance, -and bragged about forever. -- Button at the Boston Computer Museum -% -DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale. - -- Mel Ferentz -% -Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year. -erra, n: A mistake. -faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance. -Linder, n: A female name. -memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again. -New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States. -New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States. -Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year. -Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year. -ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the - season is when the Knicks quit playing. - -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary -% -Decision maker, n.: - The person in your office who was unable to form a task force - before the music stopped. -% -Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over- -whelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may -not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel, -or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants -(unless struck by a boomerang). - -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc. -% -Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature. - -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall" -% -Decorate your home. It gives the illusion -that your life is more interesting than it really is. - -- C. Schultz -% -"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of -marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory", -quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can -claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed. - -- Randy Davis -% -DEFAULT: - The hardware's, of course. -% -Default, n.: - [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, -mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will -come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear. - -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" -% -Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat. - -- Bill Musselman -% -#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) -#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ - - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ - - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) - - -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word -% -Definitions of hardware and software for dummies: - - Hardware is what you kick; - Software is what you curse. -% -Deflector shields just came on, Captain. -% -(defun NF (a c) - (cond ((null c) () ) - ((atom (car c)) - (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c)))) - (nf a (cddr c)))) - (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c)))))) - -(defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area) - (cond - ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes)) - (not (equal boston-area 'yes)) - (lessp challenging 7)) () ) - (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr) - '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1) - (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1) - (car 2 caadr 4))) - (list '851-5071x2661))))) -;;; We are an affirmative action employer. -% -DEJA VU: - French., already seen; unoriginal; trite. - Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced - something actually being encountered for the first time. - Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced - something actually being encountered for the first time. -% -Delay is preferable to error. - -- Thomas Jefferson -% -Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly. - -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1 - -Here is a letter, read it at your leisure. - -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1 - - [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when - referring to I/O system services.] -% -Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and -related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences, -entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take -into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability -to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The -history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that -can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken -for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations -are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience. - -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD - -I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability -more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction -with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder -child. - -- Dr. Albert Hoffman -% -Deliberation, n.: - The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is - buttered on. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow. -% -Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever -skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious -to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an -overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic -apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless -as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a -steroid-free fitness center. - -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest -% -Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about -her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad -nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth. -% -Demand the establishment of the government -in its rightful home at Disneyland. -% -Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -Democracy can only be measured on the existence of an opposition. - -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) -% -Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than -we deserve. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder -aloud what the country could do under first-class management. - -- Senator Soaper -% -Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the -incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you -don't think. -% -Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who -will get the blame. - -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter -% -Democracy is also a form of worship. -It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse. - -- Jawaharlal Nehru -% -Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them. - -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913 -% -Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half -of the people are right more than half of the time. - -- E. B. White -% -Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and -deserve to get it good and hard. - -- H. L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916 -% -Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other -forms that have been tried from time to time. - -- Winston Churchill -% -Democracy, n.: - A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting -or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude -toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward -law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based -upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without -restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license, -agitation, discontent, anarchy. - -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), - since withdrawn. -% -Democracy, n.: - In which you say what you like and do what you're told. - -- Gerald Barry - -The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a -Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship -you don't have to waste your time voting. - -- Charles Bukowski -% -Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. -Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group. - -Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA. -The remainder is thrown out. - -Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes. - -Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. -Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage. - -Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car -windows by Democrats. - -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules" -% -Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the -board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls. -% -Dental health is next to mental health. -% -Dentist, n.: - A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, - pulls coins out of one's pockets. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Denver, n.: - A smallish city located just below the "O" in Colorado. -% -Depart in pieces, i.e., split. -% -Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you. -% -Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties. -% -Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, -but remember, it didn't help the rabbit. - -- R. E. Shay -% -Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face. -% -Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null - -und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt. -% -Design, v.: - What you regret not doing later on. -% -Desist from enumerating your fowl -prior to their emergence from the shell. -% -Despising machines to a man, -The Luddites joined up with the Klan, - And ride out by night - In a sheeting of white -To lynch all the robots they can. - -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson -% -Despite all appearances, your boss -is a thinking, feeling, human being. -% -Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will -be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over -the table. - -- The Anarchist Cookbook -% -Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, -don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck. - -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows" -% -Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter. -% -DeVries' Dilemma: - If you hit two keys on the typewriter, - the one you don't want hits the paper. -% -Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of -fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch. - -- L. Ron Hubbard -% -Dibble's First Law of Sociology: - Some do, some don't. -% -Did I say 2? I lied. -% -Did it ever occur to you that fat chance -and slim chance mean the same thing? -% -Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control -has already been born? - -- Benny Hill -% -Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think -that's how dogs spend their lives. - -- Sue Murphy -% -Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed? -% -Did you hear about the model who sat -on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure? -% -Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and -Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently... - -Police suspect the work of a cereal killer! -% -Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship -the number zero? - -Is nothing sacred? -% -Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have -only recaptured 116 of them? -% -Did you know? - EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED, - APPROXIMATELY - 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE - KILLED - - Come to the award-winning 1987 film, - "The Very Small and Quiet Screams" - -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked. - -A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't. - - SPONSORED BY - Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC) - Student Bakers for Social Responsibility - Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL) - Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters - -Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!" -% -Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a -selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not -try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will -select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive -set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you -should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file. -% -Did you know that clones never use mirrors? - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's? - -- P. J. Plauger -% -Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined -them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction? -% -Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot -that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states: - - "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and - squirrel." - - -- ihuxw!tommyo -% -Did you know the University of Iowa -closed down after someone stole the book? -% -Did you know.... - -That no-one ever reads these things? -% -Didja' ever have to make up your mind, -Pick up on one and leave the other behind, -It's not often easy, and it's not often kind, -Didja' ever have to make up your mind? - -- Lovin' Spoonful -% -Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to Santa? -% -Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore -would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him. - -- John Barrymore's dying words -% -Die, v.: - To stop sinning suddenly. - -- Elbert Hubbard -% -Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine. - -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989 -% -Dieters live life in the fasting lane. -% -Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. -% -Digital circuits are made from analog parts. - -- Don Vonada -% -Dignity is like a flag. -It flaps in a storm. - -- Roy Mengot -% -Dime is money. -% -Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible -only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity, -for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. -% -Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. -% -Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite): - 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce - 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast - 1 carton milk -% -Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees. -% -Diogenes, having abandoned his search for -truth, is now searching for a good fantasy. -% -Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone -asked him, after a few days. - "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern." -% -Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. -Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon. - -- Sir Humphrey Appleby -% -Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way. - -- Daniele Vare -% -Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock. - -- Wynn Catlin -% -Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way. - -- Balfour -% -Diplomacy, n.: - Lying in state. -% -Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics: - - 1: Get elected. - 2: Get re-elected. - 3: Don't get mad, get even. - -- Sen. Everett Dirksen -% -Disbar, n.: - As distinguished from some other bar. -% -Disc space -- the final frontier! -% -Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my -employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely -coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is -non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the -absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. -The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for -the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, -non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) -% -Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be -yours too." - -- Dave Haynie -% -DISCLAIMER: -Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply -an endorsement of Western industrial civilization. -% -Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists. -% -Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. -% -Disease can be cured; fate is incurable. - -- Chinese proverb -% -Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead. - -- Euripides -% -Disk crisis, please clean up! -% -Disks travel in packs. -% -Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics, -Benchmarks, and Delivery dates. -% -Distance doesn't make you any smaller, -but it does make you part of a larger picture. -% -Distinctive, adj.: - A different color or shape than our competitors. -% -Distress, n.: - A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape -injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any -damage inflicted on the vehicle. -% -Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight -acquaintance and without any visible reason. - -- Lord Chesterfield -% -Ditat Deus. (God enriches.) -% -Divorce is a game played by lawyers. - -- Cary Grant -% -Do clones have navels? -% -Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking. - -- Amy Gorin -% -Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you. -% -Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? -% -Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more. -% -Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses. -% -Do not count your chickens before they are hatched. - -- Aesop -% -Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome -your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in -a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding -cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any -of them ever committed suicide. - -- Henry David Thoreau -% -Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you. -Their tastes may not be the same. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon. -% -Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy. - -- Robert A. Heinlein -% -Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger. -% -Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good -with ketchup. -% -Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, -for they become soggy and hard to light. - -Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal, -for they are subtle and quick to anger. -% -Do not overtax your powers. -% -Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. -Violators will be prosecuted. -(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) -% -Do not seek death; death will find you. -But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment. - -- Dag Hammarskjold -% -Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. -% -Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch. -% -Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. -% -Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- -learn to dread each day as it comes. - -- Donald Kaul -% -Do not underestimate the power of the Farce. -% -Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native -word "lies". - -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck" -% -Do not use the blue keys on this terminal. -% -Do not worry about which side your -bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides. -% -Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate. -% -Do, or do not; there is no try. -% -Do people know you have freckles everywhere? -% -Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. -% -Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work? -% -Do unto others before they undo you. -% -Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. -% -Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. - -- Aleister Crowley -% -Do what you can to prolong your life, -in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for. -% -Do you believe in intuition? -No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will. -% -Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage? -Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in? -Have you ever eaten an entire moose? -Can you see your neck? -Do joggers take laps around you for exercise? -If so, welcome to National Fat Week. -This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign, - ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person. - -- Garfield -% -Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking? -% -Do you have lysdexia? -% -Do YOU have redeeming social value? -% -Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa. -I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they -think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not -think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers -like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make -fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not -to think at all. - -- T. H. White -% -Do you know Montana? -% -Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education -is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't. - -- Pete Seeger -% -Do you mean that you not only want a wrong -answer, but a certain wrong answer? - -- Tobaben -% -Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing -between Nixon and the White House. - -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960 -% -Do you suffer painful elimination? - -- Donald E. Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos" - -Do you suffer painful recrimination? - -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms" - -Do you suffer painful illumination? - -- Isaac Newton, "Optics" - -Do you suffer painful hallucination? - -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda -% -Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? -% -Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he -just whipped out a quarter? - -- Steven Wright -% -Do you think your mother and I should have lived -comfortably so long together if ever we had been married? -% -Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home, -your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is -your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous? -Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident? -Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman. - -- Ladies' Home Journal, 1947 advertisement -% -Do your otters do the shimmy? -Do they like to shake their tails? -Do your wombats sleep in tophats? -Is your garden full of snails? -% -Do your part to help preserve life on -Earth -- by trying to preserve your own. -% -Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with -little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives. - -- Roy G. Blount, Jr. -% -Documentation: - Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English - speaking persons. -% -Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and -when it is bad, it is better than nothing. - -- Dick Brandon -% -Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must -be good because the programmers hate it so much. -% -Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted? -Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student? -Does a good father allow a single child to starve? -Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code? - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% -Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle? -% -Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? -% -Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people -and the rest of us. -% -Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park. -% -Doing gets it done. -% -Don -Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! - Was she pretty? -W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of - bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have - to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. -Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. -W. C.: It's almost impossible. - -- W. C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E. - Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" -% -Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. -% -Don't abandon hope. -Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow. -% -Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may -have got him. -% -Don't be concerned, it will not harm you, -It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of, -Across my dreams, with neptive wonder, -I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love. -% -Don't be humble, you're not that great. - -- Golda Meir -% -Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. -% -Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted. -% -Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. -% -Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote -than I have to. - -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy -% -Don't change the reason, just change the excuses! - -- Joe Cointment -% -Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality. -% -Don't confuse things that need action -with those that take care of themselves. -% -Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! -% -Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers! - -- The Firesign Theatre -% -Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner. -% -Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day. - -- Josh Billings -% -Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time. - -- Lt. Col. Ollie North -% -Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it. -% -Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail. - -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard -% -Don't eat yellow snow. -% -Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back. -% -Don't everyone thank me at once! - -- Han Solo -% -Don't expect people to keep in step-- -it's hard enough just staying in line. -% -Don't feed the bats tonight. -% -Don't force it, get a larger hammer. - -- Anthony -% -Don't get even, get odd. -% -Don't get mad, get even. - -- Joseph P. Kennedy - -Don't get even, get jewelry. - -- Anonymous -% -Don't get mad, get interest. -% -Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out. -% -Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they -can be terribly misleading. Debug only code. - -- Dave Storer -% -Don't get to bragging. -% -Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. -The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - -- Mark Twain -% -Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. -% -Don't go to bed with no price on your head. - -- Baretta -% -Don't guess - check your security regulations. -% -Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. -% -Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them. -% -Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier. -% -Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. -% -Don't I know you? -% -Don't interfere with the stranger's style. -% -Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it. - -- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs -% -Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever. -% -Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. -% -Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. -% -Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom. -Probably soon after she throws me out. -% -Don't let go of what you've got hold of, -until you have hold of something else. - -- First Rule of Wing Walking -% -Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do; -don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you; -don't let nobody tell you what you got to do, -or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow... -remember, if you don't follow your dreams, -you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow... - -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow" -% -Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. -% -Don't let your status become too quo! -% -Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you. -% -Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you. -% -Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder. -% -Don't lose -Your head -To gain a minute -You need your head -Your brains are in it. - -- Burma Shave -% -Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything. -% -Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. - -- Scottish proverb -% -Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that. -% -Don't patch bad code -- rewrite it. - -- Kernighan and Plauger, "The Elements of Programming Style" -% -Don't plan any hasty moves. -You'll be evicted soon anyway. -% -Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because -if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow. -% -Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted. - -- Miguel de Cervantes -% -Don't quit now, we might just as well -lock the door and throw away the key. -% -Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks. -% -Don't read everything you believe. -% -Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together. -% -Don't remember what you can infer. - -- Harry Tennant -% -Don't say "yes" until I finish talking. - -- Darryl F. Zanuck -% -Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side. -% -Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors. - -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" -% -Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat. -% -Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him. -% -Don't steal... the IRS hates competition! -% -Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. -Cheat. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding. -% -Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in! - -- "Brazil" -% -Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros. - -- P. Skelly -% -Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card. - -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft -% -Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive. -% -Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent. - -- Walt Kelly -% -Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, -sodomy and the lash. - -- Winston Churchill -% -Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. -% -Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done. - -- James J. Ling -% -Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to -get more wax!! -% -Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good. -I know better. The things I worry about don't happen. - -- Watchman Examiner -% -Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud. -% -Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it. - -- Lazarus Long -% -Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free -with my breakfast cereal. - -- Zaphod Beeblebrox -% -Don't vote - it only encourages them! -% -Don't wake me up too soon... -Gonna take a ride across the moon... -You and me. -% -Don't worry. Life's too long. - -- Vincent Sardi, Jr. -% -Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid. -% -Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts -avoiding you. - -- The Old Farmer's Almanac -% -Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas -are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. - -- Howard Aiken -% -Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. -It's already tomorrow in Australia. - -- Charles Schultz -% -Don't Worry, Be Happy. - -- Meher Baba -% -Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, -you can always take something for it. -% -Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. -They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. -% -Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think. -% -Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? -% -Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely -want to help you could agree with each other? -% -Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition? -% -Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven't got a brain? -Scarecrow: I don't know. But some people without brains do an - awful lot of talking, don't they? - -- Judy Garland and Ray Bolger, "The Wizard of Oz" -% -Double! -% -Double Bucky, you're the one, -You make my keyboard so much fun, -Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o) -Control and meta, side by side, -Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide! -Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! - -Oh, I sure wish that I, -Had a couple of bits more! -Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four. - -Double Double Bucky! Double Bucky left and right -OR'd together, outta sight! -Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of, -Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of, -Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! - -- to Niklaus Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit - be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use - by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"] -% -Double-blind Experiment, n.: - An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is -fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied -by a strong belief in the tooth fairy. -% -Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one. - -- Voltaire -% -Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. - -- Paul Tillich, German theologian -% -Down to the Banana Republics, -Down to the tropical sun. -Go the expatriated Americans, -Hoping to find some fun. -Some of them go for the sailing, -Caught by the lure of the sea. -Trying to find what is ailing, -Living in the land of the free. -Some of them are running from lovers, -Leaving no forward address. -Some of them are running tons of ganja, -Some are running from the IRS. -Late at night you will find them, -In the cheap hotels and bars. -Hustling the senoritas, -While they dance beneath the stars. - -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics" -% -Down with the categorical imperative! -% -Dow's Law: - In a hierarchical organization, - the higher the level, the greater the confusion. -% -Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed -by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy -of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that -time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to -kill him. - -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac" -% -Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet - -The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve -that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's -Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added -luxury that you never feel hungry. - -Here's how the diet works: - - FOODS ALLOWED -First Month: One egg -Second Month: A raisin -Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce. - -If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try -lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you. -% -Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde. -% -Dr. Livingston? -Dr. Livingston I. Presume? -% -Drakenberg's Discovery: - If you can't seem to find your glasses, - it's probably because you don't have them on. -% -Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. -% -Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations. -% -Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time. -% -Drew's Law of Highway Biology: - The first bug to hit a clean windshield - lands directly in front of your eyes. -% -Drilling for oil is boring. -% -Drink and dance and laugh and lie -Love, the reeling midnight through -For tomorrow we shall die! -(But, alas, we never do.) - -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism" -% -Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *_i_s* fun trying. -% -Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for -instant motor skills. - -- Marc Price -% -Drinking is not a spectator sport. - -- Jim Brosnan -% -Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin -with, that it's compounding a felony. - -- Robert Benchley -% -Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam: -that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals. - -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro" -% -Drive defensively, buy a tank. -% -Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to -avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever -jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the -brush after them. -% -Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out -of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever -seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a -priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder. -"Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your -life!" -% -Drop that pickle! -% -DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!! - -- The Adventurer -% -Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past. - -- The Adventurer -% -Drug, n.: - A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific - paper. -% -Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! -% -Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a -lot a poker. - -- Karyl Roosevelt -% -Ducharme's Axiom: - If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize - yourself as part of the problem. -% -Ducharme's Precept: - Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. -% -Duckies are fun! -% -Ducks? What ducks?? -% -Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, -and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. - -- Carl Zwanzig -% -Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the -production of great leaders has been discontinued. -% -Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your -fate and captain of your soul. -% -Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been -discontinued. -% -Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence. -% -During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has -been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, -pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,; -in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution. - -- James Madison -% -During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several -times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o -% -During the Reagan-Mondale debates: - -Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to - perform as president?" -Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and - inexperience." -% -During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a -fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships; -and fly your colors proudly. -% -Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! -Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it! - -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks" -% -Duty, n.: - What one expects from others. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have -nothing whatever to do with it. - -- W. Somerset Maugham, his last words -% -Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult. - -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed -% -Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. - -- Woody Allen -% -E = MC ** 2 +- 3db -% -E Pluribus UNIX. -% -Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life. -% -Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs. - -- Kernighan -% -Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of -Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe, -worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and -imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic -typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in -the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central -corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices. -Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs -in a sealed board room. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the -offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds -a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer, -then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother -company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological -competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's -orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself. - -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 -% -Each of us bears his own Hell. - -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) -% -Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs -in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a -university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two -3 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record. -% -Each person has the right to take the subway. -% -Eagleson's Law: - Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more -months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is -an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.) -% -EARL GREY PROFILES - -NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard -OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese -AGE: 94 -BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector -EYES: Grey -SKIN: Tanned -HAIR: Not much -LAST MAGAZINE READ: - Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly -TEA: Earl Grey. Hot. - -EARL GREY NEVER VARIES. -% -Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management -science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about -21st century aircraft: - - "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will - nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the - pilot if he touches anything. - -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988 -% -Early to bed and early to rise and you'll -be groggy when everyone else is wide awake. -% -Early to rise and early to bed makes -a man healthy and wealthy and dead. - -- James Thurber -% -Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends. -% -Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven. -% -/earth: file system full. -% -/Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. -% -Earth is a beta site. -% -Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun. - -- Jeff Berner -% -Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: - Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the -cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of -the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this -means the puzzle is solved. - -- Steve Rubenstein -% -Easy come and easy go, - some call me easy money, -Sometimes life is full of laughs, - and sometimes it ain't funny -You may think that I'm a fool - and sometimes that is true, -But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire, - with or without you. - -- Hoyt Axton -% -Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it. - -- Harry Secombe's diet -% -Eat, drink, and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah. -% -Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. -% -Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet. -% -Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work. -% -Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse -will happen to you the rest of the day. - -[Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.] -% -Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway. -% -Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy. -% -Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation. -% -Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. - -- John Kenneth Galbraith -% -Economics, n.: - Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. Galbraith. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -Economies of scale: - The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want - a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one - biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith - by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected - as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all - those limitations. -% -Economist, n.: - Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough - personality to become an accountant. -% -Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would -turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't. - -- Robert Orben -% -Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a -percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. - -- Edgar R. Fiedler -% -Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. - -- Fred Allen -% -Editing is a rewording activity. -% -Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and -demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want. - -- Charlotte Observer, 1897 -% -Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to -time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. - -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist" -% -Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know. - -- Daniel J. Boorstin -% -Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. - -- Irwin Edman -% -Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten. - -- B. F. Skinner -% -Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead -to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters -of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with -royal-blue chickens. - -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" -% -Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak! - -- Bullwinkle J. Moose -% -Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. - -- Adlai E. Stevenson -% -Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many -people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable -comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where -the "nog" comes from. - -To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in -season, eggs... -% -Ego sum ens omnipotens -% -Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature -to relieve the pain of being a damned fool. - -- Bellamy Brooks -% -Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity. -% -Egotism, n.: - Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen. -% -Egotist, n.: - A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0 -% -Ehrman's Commentary: - (1) Things will get worse before they get better. - (2) Who said things would get better? -% -...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his -original joy his falling in love with Ada. - -- Nabokov -% -Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because -God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software -engineer. - -- Frederick Brooks, Jr. -% -Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. - -- Groucho Marx' last words -% -Elbonics, v.: - The actions of two people maneuvering for one - armrest in a movie theatre. - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" -% -Eleanor Rigby -Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen -Lives in a dream -Waits for a signal, finding some code that will - make the machine do some more. -What is it for? - -All the lonely users, where do they all come from? -All the lonely users, why does it take so long? - -Hacker MacKensie -Writing the code for a program that no one will run -It's nearly done -Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's - nobody there. -What does he care? - -All the lonely users, where do they all come from? -All the lonely users, why does it take so long? -Ah, look at all the lonely users. -Ah, look at all the lonely users. -% -ELECTRIC JELL-O - -2 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin -2 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water -1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol - -Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til - fully dissolved. -Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.) -Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing - glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.) -Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol. -Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for - the faint of heart. -Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.) -Cut into squares and enjoy! - -WARNING: - Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for - children under eight years of age. -% -Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. -% -Electrocution, n.: - Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. -% -Elegance and truth are inversely related. - -- Becker's Razor -% -Elephant, n.: - A mouse built to government specifications. -% -Elevators smell different to midgets. -% -Eleventh Law of Acoustics: - In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between - frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they - are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with - minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct - compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can - lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However, - of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd. -% -Eli and Bessie went to sleep. -In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli. - "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!" -Half asleep, Eli murmured, - "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?" -% -Elliptic paraboloids for sale. -% -Elliptical, n.: - The feel of a kiss. -% -Eloquence is logic on fire. -% -Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am? -Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western. -% -Emacs, n.: - A slow-moving parody of a text editor. -% -Emerson's Law of Contrariness: - Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do - what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them - for it. -% -Encyclopedia for sale by father. -Son knows everything. -% -Encyclopedia Salesmen: - Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police - and tell them your house is being burgled. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -Endless Loop: n. see Loop, Endless. -Loop, Endless: n. see Endless Loop. - -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary -% -Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning -Endless the quest; -I turn again, back to my own beginning, -And here, find rest. -% -Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of -property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline -of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed. - -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine" -% -Engineering: "How will this work?" -Science: "Why will this work?" -Management: "When will this work?" -Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?" -% -English literature's performing flea. - -- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse -% -Engram, n.: - 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram." -2. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer -in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature -of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists, -psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson -and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved -conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of -thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory -was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only -ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that -time.] - -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary, - 3rd edition, 2007 A.D. -% -Enhance, v.: - To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment. -% -Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May. -% -Enjoy yourself while you're still old. -% -Entrepreneur, n.: - A high-rolling risk taker who would rather - be a spectacular failure than a dismal success. -% -Entropy isn't what it used to be. -% -Entropy requires no maintenance. - -- Markoff Chaney -% -Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors. - -- Onasander -% -Envy, n.: - Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage, - instead of having to try and acquire one. -% -Enzymes are things invented by biologists -that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. - -- Jerome Lettvin -% -Epperson's law: - When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably - something his wife can beat him at. -% -Equal bytes for women. -% -Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me. - -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader -% -Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company. - "Ever since they threatened to fire me." -% -Error in operator: add beer -% -Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven - Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; -Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven - Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben. - -- Lewis Carroll, - "Through the Looking-Glass, - and What Alice Found There" (1871) -% -Eschew obfuscation. -% -Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology. - -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360 -% -E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.) -% -Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. - -- Woody Allen -% -Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end? - -- Tom Stoppard -% -Etiquette is for those with no breeding; -fashion for those with no taste. -% -Etymology, n.: - Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that - were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was - formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"), - and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are - hard to swallow." - -- Mike Kellen -% -Euch ist bekannt, was wir beduerfen; -Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen. - -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust" -% -Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of -the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to -Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation -Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain, -Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman -Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to -make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return -them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be -a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing -the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that -they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed -over roulette. - -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie" -% -Eureka! - -- Archimedes -% -Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns. -% -Even a cabbage may look at a king. -% -Even a hawk is an eagle among crows. -% -Even a man who is pure at heart, -And says his prayers at night -Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms, -And the moon is full and bright. - -- The Wolf Man, 1941 -% -Even God cannot change the past. - -- Joseph Stalin -% -Even God lends a hand to honest boldness. - -- Menander -% -Even if you do learn to speak correct -English, whom are you going to speak it to? - -- Clarence Darrow -% -Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me. - -- Aristophanes -% -Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. - -- Will Rogers -% -Even in the moment of our earliest kiss, -When sighed the straitened bud into the flower, -Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this; -And that I knew, though not the day and hour. -Too season-wise am I, being country-bred, -To tilt at autumn or defy the frost: -Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did, -I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost." -I only hoped, with the mild hope of all -Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree, -A fairer summer and a later fall -Than in these parts a man is apt to see, -And sunny clusters ripened for the wine: -I tell you this across the blackened vine. - -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of - Our Earliest Kiss", 1931 -% -Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess. -% -Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. - -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" -% -Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United -States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a -day. -% -Events are not affected, they develop. - -- Sri Aurobindo -% -Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book? -% -Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's -bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes? -% -Ever get the feeling that the world's -on tape and one of the reels is missing? - -- Rich Little -% -Ever notice that even the busiest people are -never too busy to tell you just how busy they are? -% -Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"? -Simple coincidence? -Maybe... -% -Ever Onward! Ever Onward! -That's the sprit that has brought us fame. -We're big but bigger we will be, -We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity -Has been our aim. -Our products now are known in every zone. -Our reputation sparkles like a gem. -We've fought our way thru -And new fields we're sure to conquer, too -For the Ever Onward IBM! - -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook -% -Ever Onward! Ever Onward! -We're bound for the top to never fall, -Right here and now we thankfully -Pledge sincerest loyalty -To the corporation that's the best of all -Our leaders we revere and while we're here, -Let's show the world just what we think of them! -So let us sing men -- Sing men -Once or twice, then sing again -For the Ever Onward IBM! - -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook -% -Ever since I was a young boy, -I've hacked the ARPA net, -From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal, -Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo, -But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in, -On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root, -That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's, -Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint, - That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, - Sure sends a mean packet. -He's a UNIX wizard, -There has to be a twist. -The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions, -Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells, -How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing, -I don't know. Types by sense of smell, -What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs, - The proper bit flags set, - That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, - Sure sends a mean packet. - -- UNIX Wizard -% -Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, -exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men." -All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with -spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: -Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please -take her right now. No. How about: Would you like to take something? -My wife is available. No. How about ..." - -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" -% -Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper? -% -Ever wonder why fire engines are red? - -Because newspapers are read too. -Two and Two is four. -Four and four is eight. -Eight and four is twelve. -There are twelve inches in a ruler. -Queen Mary was a ruler. -Queen Mary was a ship. -Ships sail the sea. -There are fishes in the sea. -Fishes have fins. -The Fins fought the Russians. -Russians are red. -Fire engines are always rush'n. -Therefore fire engines are red. -% -Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer -technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation. -The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in -computer technology during World War II. At the C. W. Post Center of Long -Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis- -trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard -one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the -"granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly; -there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed -computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using -ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when -anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper -said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred -them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons -Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in -question." - [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in - regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.] -% -Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain -the last but one. - -- Adolf Hitler -% -Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. -% -Every cloud engenders not a storm. - -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" -% -Every cloud has a silver lining; -you should have sold it, and bought titanium. -% -Every country has the government it deserves. - -- Joseph De Maistre -% -Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. -% -Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different. -% -Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. - -- Lenny Bruce -% -Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats. -% -Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this -woman and stop her. -% -Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one -idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's -sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all -of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two -highly-motivated, caustic twits. - -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet -% -Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired -signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not -fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not -spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the -genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way -of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is -humanity hanging on a cross of iron. - -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 -% -Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): - -Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in -front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an -odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even -and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of -legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, -there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse -of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same -color"], that does not exist. -% -Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. - -- Frank Moore Colby -% -Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. -% -Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. - -- Don Vonada -% -Every love's the love before -In a duller dress. - -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary" -% -Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95. -% -Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended, -or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar. -Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk -only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other -subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his -own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured -by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to -philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted, -but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find -in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass. - -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764 -% -Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. - -- Miguel de Cervantes -% -Every man takes the limits of his own field -of vision for the limits of the world. - -- Schopenhauer -% -Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich -and powerful know that he is. - -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark" -% -Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect -that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers -and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the -essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural -inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued -forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters. - -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William -% -Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done -it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that. - -- Barrie -% -Every morning, I get up and look through the "Forbes" list of the -richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. - -- Robert Orben -% -Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster -than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up. -It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. -It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes -up, you'd better be running. -% -Every morning is a Smirnoff morning. -% -Every night my prayers I say, - And get my dinner every day; -And every day that I've been good, - I get an orange after food. -The child that is not clean and neat, - With lots of toys and things to eat, -He is a naughty child, I'm sure-- - Or else his dear papa is poor. - -- Robert Louis Stevenson -% -Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis. - -It makes sense, when you don't think about it. -% -Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels -start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and -then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the -music at top volume and at least a pint of ether. - -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" -% -Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so! -But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and -when they aren't. - - When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying. - When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying. - When a politician scratches his collar bone, he isn't lying. - When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying! -% -Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by -the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he -sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted. - -- Morris Kline -% -Every path has its puddle. -% -Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have -drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you. - -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul -% -Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one -instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program -can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. -% -Every program has (at least) two purposes: - the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't. -% -Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. -% -Every silver lining has a cloud around it. -% -Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was -eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is -bend a disk. - -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity, - commenting on the benefits of using computers in support - of their movement. -% -Every solution breeds new problems. -% -Every successful person has had failures -but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success. -% -Every suicide is a solution to a problem. - -- Jean Baechler -% -Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory. -% -Every time I lose weight, it finds me again! -% -Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it. -% -Every time you manage to close the door on -Reality, it comes in through the window. -% -Every why hath a wherefore. - -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors" -% -Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. - -- Beckett -% -Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is -the best one. - -- Jack Hurley -% -Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that -called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all -the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed; -otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded -and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off. -Finally the company president called Sam into his office. - "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's -a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign, -you're fired. As of right now." - Sam signed the papers immediately. - "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you -couldn't have signed earlier?" - "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so -clearly before." -% -Everybody has something to conceal. - -- Humphrey Bogart -% -Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and -if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me. -% -Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra -% -Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their -fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the -good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay -poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows. - -Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain -lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog -just died. - -Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates -and long stem rose. Everybody knows. - -Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really -do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or -two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people -you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows. - -And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you. -And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two. -Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton -for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows. - -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows" -% -Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money. - -- Arthur Miller -% -Everybody needs a little love sometime; -stop hacking and fall in love! -% -Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. -% -Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had -to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers. -% -Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment. -% -Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. -% -Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to -realize it. -% -Everyone is entitled to my opinion. -% -Everyone is in the best seat. - -- John Cage -% -Everyone is more or less mad on one point. - -- Rudyard Kipling -% -Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic -formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the -scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact -wholly unconcerned with what _d_o_e_s exist. Indeed, the banality of -existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to -discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the -problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the -mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, -one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely -different way ... - -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" -% -Everyone talks about apathy, but no one _d_o_e_s anything about it. -% -Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes -to get them. - -- Dirty Harry -% -Everyone was born right-handed. -Only the greatest overcome it. -% -Everyone who comes in here wants three things: - 1. They want it quick. - 2. They want it good. - 3. They want it cheap. -I tell 'em to pick two and call me back. - -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company -% -Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees. -% -Everything bows to success, even grammar. -% -Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous". -% -Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end. -% -Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. - -- Alexander Woollcott -% -Everything in this book may be wrong. - -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul -% -Everything is controlled by a small evil group -to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs. -% -Everything is possible. Pass the word. - -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One" -% -Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being -that a belch is more satisfying. - -- Ingmar Bergman -% -Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about -something you know. - -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav, - June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List -% -Everything might be different in the present -if only one thing had been different in the past. -% -Everything new stalls because there is precedence for the old. - -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) -% -Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. -% -Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. - -- Albert Einstein -% -Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful. - -- Erwin Tomash -% -Everything that can be invented has been invented. - -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899 -% -Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out. -% -Everything will be just tickety-boo today. -% -Everything you know is wrong! -% -Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that -rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge. - -- Erwin Knoll -% -Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less -obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no -solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. -There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no -straight lines. - -- R. Buckminster Fuller -% -Everything's great in this good old world; -(This is the stuff they can always use.) -God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled; -(This will provide for baby's shoes.) -Hunger and War do not mean a thing; -Everything's rosy where'er we roam; -Hark, how the little birds gaily sing! -(This is what fetches the bacon home.) - -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse" -% -Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My -opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller -that could have been prevented by a good teacher. - -- Flannery O'Connor -% -Everywhere you go you'll see them searching, -Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain, -Everyone is looking for the answer, -Well look again. - -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World" -% -Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil -of others, but it is seldom a mistake. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -Evolution is a million line computer -program falling into place by accident. -% -Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around -the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when -evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can -doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present -life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is -as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with -respect to theories about how the process operates. - -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life" -% -Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for -even the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer. - -- C. C. Colton -% -Example is not the main thing in influencing others. -It is the only thing. - -- Albert Schweitzer -% -Excellent day for drinking heavily. -Spike the office water cooler. -% -Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator. -% -Excellent day to have a rotten day. -% -Excellent time to become a missing person. -% -Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget. - -- Miller -% -Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a -customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab: - -Support: "You're not our only customer, you know." -Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons." -% -Excerpt from a DEC field service document: - -.... -- none of these should have made it to customers. BUT you could loosen the -screws and lift system board at fan end while powering on to see if OCP -comes up - this is not recommended unless you have three hands. -% -Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from -acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. - -- W. Somerset Maugham -% -Excessive login messages are a sure sign of senility. -% -Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility. -% -Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last. - -- Marcus Aurelius -% -Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do -the work. - -- John G. Pollard -% -Executive ability is prominent in your make-up. -% -Exercise caution in your daily affairs. -% -Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, -and just before you realize what is wrong with it. -% -Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay. -% -Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you. -% -Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. -% -Expedience is the best teacher. -% -Expense accounts, n.: - Corporate food stamps. -% -Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills. - -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions" -% -Experience is not what happens to you; -it is what you do with what happens to you. - -- Aldous Huxley -% -Experience is that marvelous thing that enables -you recognize a mistake when you make it again. - -- Franklin Jones -% -Experience is the worst teacher. It always -gives the test first and the instruction afterward. -% -Experience is what causes a person -to make new mistakes instead of old ones. -% -Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. -% -Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye, -particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something. - -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing" -% -Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way. -% -Expert, n.: - Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides. -% -External Security: -% -Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules: - - NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE - -To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully -cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand -corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and -address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) -- -to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower -left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card -below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your -computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL -SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card -(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the -Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be -disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print -this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and -completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize. -% -Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples -of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies, -but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings -that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have -argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness," -and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of -neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid -handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena -than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves -offer more plausible alternatives. - -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness: - Implications for Psi Phenomena". -% -Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly. - -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece" -% -Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit -of justice is no virtue. - -- Barry Goldwater -% -F: When into a room I plunge, I - Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI. - Then I linger, darkly brooding - On the poison they're exuding. - -- The Roguelet's ABC -% -F. Scott Fitzgerald to Hemingway: - "Ernest, the rich are different from us." -Hemingway: - "Yes. They have more money." -% -f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. -% -f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. -% -f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr. -% -FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000; -% -Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting. -% -Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles. - -- Sven Italla -% -Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. -% -Facts are the enemy of truth. - -- Don Quixote -% -Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. - -- Aldous Huxley -% -Failed Attempts To Break Records - In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break -the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised -he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and -doesn't even shout at me." - In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the -record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours. - His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended -after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace. -"People complained I was too noisy," he said. - In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across -the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my -drone got waterlogged," he said. - A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000 -dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes -had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital. -% -Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall. - -- Sir Walter Raleigh -% -Fairy Tale, n.: - A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. -% -Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door. -% -Faith has never moved as much as a pin-head from the place it -ought to be according to tradition and the scriptures. It is -the doubt that moved all the mountains. - -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) -% -Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam -on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move. -% -Faith is under the left nipple. - -- Martin Luther -% -Faith, n.: - That quality which enables us to - believe what we know to be untrue. -% -Fakir, n.: - A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost - religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources - seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished. -% -Falling in Love - When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in -love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes -light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air, -and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately, -these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a -good idea to check with your doctor. - -- Dave Barry -% -Falling in love is a lot like dying. -You never get to do it enough to become good at it. -% -Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in -restraint. - -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus" -% -Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; -the only earthly certainty is oblivion. - -- Mark Twain -% -Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an -autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door. - -- Marlo Thomas -% -Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever. -% -Familiarity breeds attempt. -% -Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children. - -- Mark Twain -% -Families, when a child is born -Want it to be intelligent. -I, through intelligence, -Having wrecked my whole life, -Only hope the baby will prove -Ignorant and stupid. -Then he will crown a tranquil life -By becoming a Cabinet Minister - -- Su Tung-p'o -% -Famous, adj.: - Conspicuously miserable. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Famous last words: -% -Famous last words: - 1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. - 2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. - 3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog... - 4: We won't need reservations. - 5: It's always sunny there this time of the year. - 6: Don't worry, it's not loaded. - 7: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. - 8: Don't worry! Women love it! -% -Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have -forgotten your aim. - -- George Santayana -% -Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the -former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free. - -Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and -reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits -were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women -and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures -from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty -deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus -was the Empire forged. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth. -% -Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the -Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. -Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an -utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life -forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches -are a pretty neat idea ... - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more -stressful than divorce. - -- Wall Street Journal -% -Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter -it every six months. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. - -- Victor Hugo -% -Fast, cheap, good: pick two. -% -Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon? - -- Han Solo -% -Faster, faster, you fool, you fool! - -- Bill Cosby -% -Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind. -% -Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose! -% -Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex. -Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know? -% -Fats Loves Madelyn. -% -Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity. -Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified. - -- Joe Orton, "Loot" -% -FEAR: - What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates. -% -Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing. - -- Hunter S. Thompson -% -Fear is the greatest salesman. - -- Robert Klein -% -Feature, n.: - A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To - call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not - consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though - not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's - a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it. -% -Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation -potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally -disadvantaged. -% -Feel disillusioned? -I've got some great new illusions, right here! -% -Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no, -it's Microsoft!" -% -Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature, -An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature. -Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses -Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses. -I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations, -A singular development of cat communications -That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection -For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection. -A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents: -You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance; -And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion, -It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion. -Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display -Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array. -And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend, -I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend. - -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot" -% -Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring -you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter -to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or -other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of "C" code to the first person on the -list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add -yours to the bottom of the list. - -Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San -Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find -his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent -out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to -build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at -this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in -her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's. - -Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today! -% -Female rabbits: - The gift that just "keeps on giving." -% -Fenderberg, n.: - The large glacial deposits that form on the insides - of car fenders during snowstorms. - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" -% -Ferguson's Precept: - A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing." -% -Fertility is hereditary. If your parents -didn't have any children, neither will you. -% -Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about - a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy. -Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the - basic difference between robots and humans? -Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs? -Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them. - -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself" -% -Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. - -- Mark Twain -% -Fidelity, n.: - A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. -% -Fifteen men on a dead man's chest, -Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! -Drink and the devil had done for the rest, -Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! - -- Robert Louis Stevenson, "Treasure Island" -% -Fifth Law of Applied Terror: - If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. -Corollary: - If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. -% -Fifth Law of Procrastination: - Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that -there is nothing important to do. -% -Fifty flippant frogs -Walked by on flippered feet -And with their slime they made the time -Unnaturally fleet. -% -Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North -Carolina. -% -File cabinet: - A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor. -% -Filibuster, n.: - Throwing your wait around. -% -Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches. - -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth -% -Finagle's Creed: - Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. -% -Finagle's Eighth Law: - If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. - -Finagle's Ninth Law: - No matter what results are expected, - someone is always willing to fake it. - -Finagle's Tenth Law: - No matter what the result someone - is always eager to misinterpret it. - -Finagle's Eleventh Law: - No matter what occurs, someone believes - it happened according to his pet theory. -% -Finagle's First Law: - To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. - -Finagle's Second Law: - Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working. - -Finagle's Fourth Law: - Once a job is fouled up, - anything done to improve it only makes it worse. - -Finagle's Fifth Law: - Always draw your curves, then plot your readings. - -Finagle's Sixth Law: - Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them. -% -Finagle's Second Law: - No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be - someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or - (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory. -% -Finagle's Seventh Law: - The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. -% -Finagle's Third Law: - In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, - beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. - -Corollaries: - 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. - 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really - don't want to hear, will see it immediately. -% -Finality is death. -Perfection is finality. -Nothing is perfect. -There are lumps in it. -% -Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture -on a rock. - -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 -% -Fine day for friends. -So-so day for you. -% -Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. -% -Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. -% -Fine's Corollary: - Functionality breeds Contempt. -% -Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less: - - "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..." - -Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to: - - P.O. Box 35 - Baffled Greek, Michigan -% -Finster's Law: -A closed mouth gathers no feet. -% -First, a few words about tools. - -Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of -the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously -injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If -you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look -particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for -granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face. - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" -% -First Corollary of Taber's Second Law: - Machines that piss people off get murdered. - -- Pat Taber -% -First Law of Bicycling: - No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. -% -First law of debate: - Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference. -% -First Law of Procrastination: - Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility - for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who - imposed the deadline). -% -First Law of Socio-Genetics: - Celibacy is not hereditary. -% -First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really -self-respecting woman would take advantage of it. - -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island" -% -First Rule of History: - History doesn't repeat itself -- - historians merely repeat each other. -% -First rule of public speaking. - First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em; - then tell 'em; - then tell 'em what you've tole 'em. -% -First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer. -But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all. -Dial-A-Wombat. - It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone -call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the -phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said. - Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of -the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk. - But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth. - The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its -bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub. - Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in -another phone booth. - There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth. - The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and -released it, too, in the scrub. - But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another -telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat. - After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect, -and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons. - Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in -telephone booths. - -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980 -% -First things first -- but not necessarily in that order. - -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" -% -"First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars; -"Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation; -and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of -trees to prove their manhood. - -- Dave Barry -% -Fishbowl, n.: - A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly - promoted managers are kept for observation. -% -Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime. - -- Jimmy Cannon -% -Five bicycles make a Volkswagen, seven make a truck. - -- Adolfo Guzman -% -Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. - -- Robert Firth -% -Five names that I can hardly stand to hear, -Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here, -I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard, -And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard, -Yes, I'm goin' insane, -And I'm laughing at the frozen rain, -Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? - Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend, - Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a - Transistor and a large sum of money to spend... -You fellah, you tearin' up the street, -You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat, -Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see, -That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me, -Yes, and goin' insane, -You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain, -Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? -(chorus) - -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan" -% -Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman -were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they -had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled -"The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I", -the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's -"The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and -Irish Political History". -% -Five rules for eternal misery: - 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably. - 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to - treat these assumptions as though they are reality. - 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis. - 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with - how much better things might have been or how much worse - things might become). - 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to - follow the first four rules. -% -Flame on! - -- Johnny Storm -% -Flannister, n.: - The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together. - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" -% -Flappity, floppity, flip -The mouse on the m"obius strip; - The strip revolved, - The mouse dissolved -In a chronodimensional skip. -% -FLASH! -Intelligence of mankind decreasing. -Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the .... -% -Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed. - -- Josh Billings -% -Flattery will get you everywhere. -% -Flee at once, all is discovered. -% -Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself. - -- Helen Rowland -% -Flon's Law: - There is not now, and never will be, a language in - which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs. -% -Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her -husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my -joules!" - -"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux -a moment. Perhaps they're mislead." - -"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them -in my burette ... We must call a copper." - -Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, -said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name -of Lawrence Ium. - -"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and -dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can -catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an -activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ... - -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations" -% -Flowchart, n. & v.: - [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart -"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] -1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction -problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation -using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic -doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for -wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A -thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's -Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce -flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate -(a problem) with esoteric cartoons. - -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" -% -Flugg's Law: - When you need to knock on wood is when you realize - that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. -% -Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ... -% -Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling? -Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have. -% -Flying saucers on occasion - Show themselves to human eyes. -Aliens fume, put off invasion - While they brand these tales as lies. -% -Fog Lamps, n.: - Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts - of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the - driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights". -% -Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a -tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored. - -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy, - commenting on rumors of womanizing. -% -Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. - -- Walt Kelly, "Potluck Pogo" -% -Foolproof Operation: - No provision for adjustment. -% -Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house. -% -Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce -a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather? -% -Football combines the two worst features of American life. -It is violence punctuated by committee meetings. - -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball" -% -Football is a game designed to keep coal miners off the streets. - -- Jimmy Breslin -% -For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ... -% -For a good time, call (510) 642-9483 -% -For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint. -% -For a light heart lives long. - -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" -% -For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a -cat. -% -For adult education nothing beats children. -% -For ages, a deadly conflict has been waged between a few brave men and -women of thought and genius upon the one side, and the great ignorant -religious mass on the other. This is the war between Science and Faith. -The few have appealed to reason, to honor, to law, to freedom, to the -known, and to happiness here in this world. The many have appealed to -prejudice, to fear, to miracle, to slavery, to the unknown, and to -misery hereafter. The few have said "Think". The many have said "Believe!" - -- Robert Ingersoll, "Gods" -% -For an adequate time call 555-3321. -% -For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, -since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned. -% -For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex. - -- Gore Vidal -% -For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back. -% -For courage mounteth with occasion. - -- William Shakespeare, "King John" -% -For every bloke who makes his mark, -there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out. - -- Andy Capp -% -For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, -and wrong. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. - -- R. Clopton -% -For every human problem, there is a neat, -plain solution -- and it is always wrong. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if -you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or -not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is -that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip; -when moving between an mskip and ordinary skip, the conversion factor -1mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and -'\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear. - -- Donald E. Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80 -% -For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. -% -For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel -and cook. - -- Quentin Crisp -% -For fools rush in where angels fear to tread. - -- Alexander Pope -% -For gin, in cruel -Sober truth, -Supplies the fuel -For flaming youth. - -- Noel Coward -% -For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think! -% -For good, return good. -For evil, return justice. -% -For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. - -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul) -% -For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas! -but with break of day I went to make supplication. - -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D. -% -For knighthood is not in the feats of war, -As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong, -But in a cause which truth cannot defer: -He ought himself for to make sure and strong, -Just to keep mixt with mercy among: -And no quarrel a knight ought to take -But for a truth, or for the common's sake. - -- Stephen Hawes -% -For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two. -% -For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble: -and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust. - -- Sir Thomas More -% -For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to -get themselves filed. - -- Clifton Fadiman -% -For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I -put them in the same room and let them fight it out. - -- Steven Wright -% -For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire -life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days -now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets -when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch -in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have -the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which -means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are -advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are -the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their -names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot -("part of this complete breakfast"). - -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" -% -For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at -the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful -power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous -and bad music may be put on record forever. - -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888 -% -For people who like that kind of book, -that is the kind of book they will like. -% -For perfect happiness, remember two things: - (1) Be content with what you've got. - (2) Be sure you've got plenty. -% -FOR SALE: - Parachute. Used once. - Never opened. Slightly Stained. -% -For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say -"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. - -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S. -% -For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. -% -For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the -massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the -last step of doing away with computers altogether?" - -- Jehan Shuman -% -For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, -each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall -was a gate. - -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King" - - [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when - referring to system overview.] - -% -For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years. -This gives me great hope for the human race. - -- Harlan Ellison -% -For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear. -% -For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers. - -- Titus Lucretius Carus -% -For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can -neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one? - -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse" - - [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when - referring to powerfail recovery.] -% -For they starve the frightened little child -Till it weeps both night and day: -And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool, -And gibe the old and grey, -And some grow mad, and all grow bad, -And none a word may say. - -Each narrow cell in which we dwell -Is a foul and dark latrine, -And the fetid breath of living Death -Chokes up each grated screen, -And all, but Lust, is turned to dust -In Humanity's machine. - -And all men kill the thing they love, -By all let this be heard, -Some do it with a bitter look, -Some with a flattering word, -The coward does it with a kiss, -The brave man with a sword. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___. -When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged -him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to -spend my evenings?" - -- Chamfort -% -For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the -'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow -recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned -protected species. - Ingredients: - 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag - 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal - 1 teaspoonful salt - 8 oz. shredded suet - 2 small onions - 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper - - Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water -overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over -the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus -gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about -half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet, -salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for -swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not -available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for -four to five hours. -% -For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. - -- Abraham Lincoln -% -For three days after death hair and fingernails -continue to grow, but phone calls taper off. - -- Johnny Carson -% -For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model -a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do. -Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start -religions. - -- Brian McGroarty <bvmcg@yahoo.com> -% -For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- -I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. -But now I think a thought that brings me hope: -Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. - -- Justin Richardson -% -For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH! -% -Force has no place where there is need of skill. - -- Herodotus -% -"Force is but might," the teacher said-- -"That definition's just." -The boy said naught but thought instead, -Remembering his pounded head: -"Force is not might but must!" -% -Force it!!! -If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway... -No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer. -% -FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX! -% -Forecast, n.: - A prediction of the future, based on the past, for - which the forecaster demands payment in the present. -% -Forest fires cause Smokey Bears. -% -Forgetfulness, n.: - A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for - their destitution of conscience. -% -Forgive and forget. - -- Cervantes -% -Forgive him, -for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature! - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee -And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me. - -- Robert Frost -% -Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names. - -- John F. Kennedy -% -Forms follow function, and often obliterate it. -% -Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit. -% -FORTH IF HONK THEN -% -FORTRAN is a good example of a language -which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques. - -- D. Gries - [What's good about it? Ed.] -% -FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy, -occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer. - -- Alan J. Perlis -% -FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers. - -- Steven Feiner -% -FORTRAN rots the brain. - -- John McQuillin -% -FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly -inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is -too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 -% -[FORTRAN] will persist for some time -- -probably for at least the next decade. - -- T. Cheatham -% -Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils. -% -Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of -the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility -of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the -responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals -or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out -claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to -provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with -the accepted body of scientific evidence. - -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII, - No. 2, pg. 215 -% -Fortune and love befriend the bold. - -- Ovid -% -FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3 - -Q: Why haven't you graduated yet? -A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted - my dissertation to rhyme. -% -FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8 - -Q: Is God a myth? -A: No, He's a mythter. -% -fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies. -% -fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14 - -Low Blows: - Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One -of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must -hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain. - -Dressing Up: - A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the -garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up -for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about -weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor -party". - -David Letterman: - Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the -Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad -haircut. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16 - -Relationships: - First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he -refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular -basis". - When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to -her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then -she will get on with her life. - A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the -breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just -wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I -hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's -always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" -drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are -community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, -these classes rarely prove effective. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17 - -Shoes: - The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes, -boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor -of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet. - -Making friends: - A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things -together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends." - A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things -together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man, -sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or -psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken -sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a -jerk, I guess you're OK." -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2 - -Desserts: - A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic -work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before -she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by -grabbing the cherry in the center. - -Car repair: - The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair -manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem -himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be -fixed without special tools". - The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an -accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the -car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than -the average man. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4 - -Weddings: - When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". -Men talk about "the bachelor party". - -Clothes: - Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt -he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about -the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on -the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting -them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age. - Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year. -They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5 - -Trust: - The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling -around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if -she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her -OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that -one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if -his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one -of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though, -so they can be ready if he needs an alibi. - -Driving: - - A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind -the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep -him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting -to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The -Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body -shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and -price their policies accordingly. - A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get -rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to -her makeup. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6 - -Bathrooms: - A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, -shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. -The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man -would not be able to identify most of these items. - -Groceries: - A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store -and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge -are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys -everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, -his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. -Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8 - -Going Out: - When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go -out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready -to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup, -checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend... - -Cats: - Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't -looking, men kick cats. - -Offspring: - Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows -about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends -and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely -aware of some short people living in the house. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9 - -Laundry: - Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article -of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight -years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, -he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain -of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at -the laundromat. This is a myth. - -Nicknames: - If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, -they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if -Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately -refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless. - -Socks: - Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. -Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures -of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10 - -CARTABLANCA: - Bogart stars as the owner of a North African nightclub that sells - only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of - trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer - wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is - fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in - which the much-hated German beer distributor is drowned in a vat. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11 - -MONOPOLI: - Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour - games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after - another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the - Boardwalk property. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12 - -O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min. - - Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of - shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif - tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guinness is solid in - the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning. - With Julie Christie. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3 - -MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET: - Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and - tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way - into your heart. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4 - -WITLESS: - Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role - of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the - run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to - health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly - reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5 - -THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER: - This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman - forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family - make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales - of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues - and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives - a glowing performance. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6 - -RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. - One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, - and arguably the best movie ever made about a large, - man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7 - -OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA": - This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences - frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of - Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy. - Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for - younger viewers. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8 - -THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986) - The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen - appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable - (if sometimes fatal) lesson. - -THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987) - The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving - Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece - of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of - becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9 - -THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min. - - Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as - everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene - Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.) -% -Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: - -It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and -supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to -more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant -negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a -negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive -as that in support of an affirmative. - -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472 -% -Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: - -We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be -left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it -seems to us that someone has been very careless. - -- 78 So. 365 -% -Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: - -We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" -may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine -species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female -of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two -revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think -it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person. - -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466 -% -FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1 - -Skilled oral communicator: - Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self. - Argues with self. Loses these arguments. - -Skilled written communicator: - Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for - the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else. - -Growth potential: - With proper guidance, periodic counseling, and remedial training, - the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet - the minimum requirements expected of him by the company. - -Key company figure: - Serves as the perfect counter example. -% -FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4 - -Consistent: - Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated - that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year. - -An excellent sounding board: - Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement - them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification. - -A planner and organizer: - Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the - animal tags on his clothing. -% -FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9 - -Has management potential: - Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the - reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department - pencil monitor. - -Inspirational: - A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God, - go I.") - -Adapts to stress: - Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the - situation. - -Goal oriented: - Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails - to meet them. -% -Fortune favors the lucky. -% -Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12 - - Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions. -% -Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15 - - "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." - And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas - Cowboy cheerleaders. -% -Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17 - - "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath, - May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet." - Juliet, this bud's for you. -% -Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2 - - If at first you don't succeed, think how many people - you've made happy. -% -Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21 - - Shall I compare thee to a Summer day? - No, I guess not. -% -Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3 - - Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car. -% -Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6 - - "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?" - It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep. -% -Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9 - - A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument. -% -fortune: No such file or directory -% -fortune: not found -% -Fortune presents: - USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1. - -^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English? -Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand. -Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker - renkontas. I've met. -La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail. -Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it. -Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around. -Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea. -% -Fortune presents: - USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2. - -^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken? -^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often? -^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number? -Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers. -Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction. -^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going? -% -Fortune presents: - USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5. - -Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. - ^cevalon. -Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding. -Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me! -Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you? -Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother? -Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon. -% -FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4 - -Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!? -Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........ -Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case! -Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here? -% -FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13 - -A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy -Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates? -% -FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15 - -A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. -Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy? -% -FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19 - -A: To be or not to be. -Q: What is the square root of 4b^2? -% -FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21 - -A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume. -Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name? -% -FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31 - -A: Chicken Teriyaki. -Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot? -% -FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4 - -A: Go west, young man, go west! -Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound? -% -FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5 - -A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli. -Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines. -% -FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5 - - "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!" - -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965 -% -FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6 - - "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!" - -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954 -% -Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands! - -Try: - ar t "God" - drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell) - cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD) - Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell) - mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell) - rm God - man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell) - date me (anything up to 4.3BSD) - make "heads or tails of all this" - who is smart - (C shell) - If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have? - sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD) -% -Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai -sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. - -Oh, and have a nice day! - -- Bryce Nesbitt '84 -% -Fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate: - - I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine. - "Hey you, get off my plate" - -- Roger Midnight -% -Fortune's current rates: - - Answers .10 - Long answers .25 - Answers requiring thought .50 - Correct answers $1.00 - - Dumb looks are still free. -% -Fortune's diet truths: -1: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream. -2: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud. -3: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not - an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish. -4: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see - salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat. -5: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as - appealing as tepid beer. -6: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place! -7: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and - low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and - it isn't. -8: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable. -9: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert! -10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies. -11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and - swallowing. -% -Fortune's Exercising Truths: - -1: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't. -2. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks. -3. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life. -4. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing. -5. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done - quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as - you twitter around in your chair. -6. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys most is tripping joggers. -7. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around - for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard - racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity. -8. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups, - followed by one throw-up. -9. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided. -% -FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8 - Christmas Rum Cake - -1 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder -1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda -1 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice -2 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar -2 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts - -Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now -select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It -must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup -of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric -mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar -and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality. -Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups -of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the -beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking -for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a -seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter). -Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and -strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have. -Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until -poothtick comes out crean. -% -Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week: - "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" -% -FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1 - A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America. - A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle. - A giant panda bear is really a member of the raccoon family. - A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat - rather than a spotted one. - Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees - while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a - legume-part of the pea family. - A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit. -% -FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14 - The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe" -Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland. -% -FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37 - Can you name the seven seas? - Antarctic, Arctic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian, - North Pacific, South Pacific. - Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White? - Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful. -% -FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44 - Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background. -% -FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108 - -In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless -there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red -flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. -% -FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14 - According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath -at least once a year. -% -FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16 - -The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River -can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. -% -FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19 - A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in -his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional -ability in that particular field." -% -FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1 - -In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own -at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. -% -FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2 - Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. -% -FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3 - A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the -movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the -right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. -% -FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8 - - Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart -a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. -% -Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): - - Don't Write On Walls! - - (and underneath) - - You want I should type? -% -Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3 - -August 27, 1949: - A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the - Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum. -% -FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14 -What to do... - if reality disappears? - Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you - can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant. - - if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time - traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you? - Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in. - Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your - younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you - expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles - behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask - when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO. -% -FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2 -What to do... - if you get a phone call from Mars: - Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit - your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are - speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen. - - if he, she or it doesn't speak English? - Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone. - If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she - or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before - calling. - - if you get a phone call from Jupiter? - Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter, - he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the - conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the - charges may have been reversed. -% -FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6 -What to do... - if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard? - First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any - film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe - you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive, - they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude. - Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably - wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help. - - if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your - closet contains an alternate dimension? - Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back, - and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm - and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not - wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains - an alternate dimension, nail it shut. -% -Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking: - -WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE: - -Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608 -of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the -combination of beauty and power. Few have -excelled him in the use of the English language, -or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form, -'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest -single poem ever written." - -Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now -doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are -of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the - bungling and greed of President - Roosevelt. - -... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a -not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist. -% -Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky): - No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this -State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed -with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females -weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it -apply to female horses. -% -Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals -goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned -House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a -sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero -and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. - -Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are - having to artificially propagate oysters and clams." -Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?" -Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is - that female oysters through their living habits cast out large - amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of - fertilization." -Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many - teenagers who read The Congressional Record." -% -Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week: - - Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige. -% -FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14 - - Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to -your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert -and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything -drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. -% -Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18: - -Q: Are you married? -A: No, I'm divorced. -Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? -A: A lot of things I didn't know about. -% -Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19: - -Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? -A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. -% -Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29: - -THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present - information and prejudice from your minds, if you have - any ... -% -Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32: - -Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? -A: I will be three months November 8th. -Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? -A: Yes. -Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time? -% -Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37: - -Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? -A: No. -Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? -A: Picking them up in the air. -Q: Where was the dog at this time? -A: Attached to the ears. -% -Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3: - -Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were - able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to - go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with - him to the station? -MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. -% -Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41: - -Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? -A: By death. -Q: And by whose death was it terminated? -% -Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52: - -Q: What is your name? -A: Ernestine McDowell. -Q: And what is your marital status? -A: Fair. -% -Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7: - -Q: What happened then? -A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify - me." -Q: Did he kill you? -A: No. -% -Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2 - -Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over -the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that -the author of a memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments -in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an -incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has -never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's -memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having -done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand -the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then -you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact, -the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows: - - 1: When you agree completely with the author of a memo. - 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are. - 3: When replying to one of your own memos. -% -FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2 - - Never goose a wolverine. -% -FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23 - - Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn. -% -Forty isn't old, if you're a tree. -% -Four be the things I am wiser to know: - Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. - -Four be the things I'd been better without: - Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. - -Three be the things I shall never attain: - Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. - -Three be the things I shall have till I die: - Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. - -- Dorothy Parker, "Inventory" -% -Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on -tombstones, women and competitors. - -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar -% -Four hours to bury the cat? -Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling... -% -Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue -ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. -This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays. - -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn -% -Fourth Law of Applied Terror: - The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology - instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. - -Corollary: - Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except - study for that instructor's course. -% -Fourth Law of Revision: - It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about - interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one - for you. -% -Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not -almost one, it is damn near zero. - -- David Ellis -% -Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a -policeman's tie. -% -Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix. - -- Rhett Buggler -% -Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason. - -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book" -% -Free Speech Is The Right To Shout "Theater" In A Crowded Fire. - -- A Yippie proverb -% -FreeBSD: everything but the fairings -% -FreeBSD: Have you had your fairings today? -% -FreeBSD: It's 3am at night. Do you know where your fairings are? -% -FreeBSD: putting the horse before the cart since 1992. - -- Warner Losh -% -FreeBSD Trivia: - Did you know that successive security officers take -control by beheading their predecessor? - -- Robert Watson -% -Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite. -% -Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude. -% -Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better. - -- Camus -% -Freedom is slavery. -Ignorance is strength. -War is peace. - -- George Orwell -% -Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one. -% -Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. - -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee" -% -Fremen add life to spice! -% -Fresco's Discovery: - If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. -% -Friction is a drag. -% -Fried's 1st Rule: - Increased automation of clerical function - invariably results in increased operational costs. -% -Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. - -- Thomas Jones -% -Friends, n.: - People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them. - - People who know you well, but like you anyway. -% -Friends, Romans, Hipsters, -Let me clue you in; -I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him. -The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; -The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus -Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes; -If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, -And, like, old Caesar really set them straight. -Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat; -So are they all, all cool cats, -- -Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down. -% -Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority -over the other. - -- Honore de Balzac -% -Frisbeetarianism, n.: - The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and - gets stuck. -% -Frobnicate, v.: - To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. -Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a -frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK -sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless -manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse -search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is -turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it -he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the -screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because -turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. -% -Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.: - An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to -electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to -FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and -FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl. -FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure -via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be -applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures. -% -From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds. - -- Ad for the new VW Corrado -% -From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. -That is the point that must be reached. - -- F. Kafka -% -From a Tru64 patch description: - - Fixes a bug that causes a panic due to software error -% -[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology -Association, in Rome]: - -The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria -and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not -spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods, -or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in -millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have -reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology -engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general, -president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social -schizophrenia in mass genocide. -% -From Italian tourist guide: - - "Non stop trains to Roma Termini Station leave from 7.38 - a.m. to 10.08 p.m., hourly." -% -From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance. -% -From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first. - -- Bertolt Brecht -% -From the crystal swirling waters, -Of the Rio Amazon, -To the sacred halls of Bayonne, -Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.) -From ev'ry hallowed venue, -Ev'ry forest, mount and vale, -Your butt is on the menu -And the check is in the mail. - -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races" -% -From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was -convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. - -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults" -% -[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made -in Japan]: - -The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT -MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is -featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality -against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design", -"flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00 -Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile -operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc. - -And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help -achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by -HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being. -% -From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994 .......... - - "The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the - International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated - October 14 as World Standards Day to recognize those - volunteers who have worked hard to define international - standards.......The United States celebrated World Standards - Day on October 11; Finland celebrated on October 13; and - Italy celebrated on October 18." -% -From the Pointless Comparison Collection: - - To give you an idea of how sensitive these antennas are, - if we were to "listen" to one spacecraft in the outer solar - system by Jupiter or Saturn for 1 billion years and add up - all the signal we collected, it would be enough power to - set off the flash bulb on your camera once. - - -- Peter Doms, manager of the Deep Space Network - systems program at JPL -% -From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the -instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new -experience in sound: - - 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading - sound is normal for this type of connector. -% -From too much love of living, -From hope and fear set free, -We thank with brief thanksgiving, -Whatever gods may be, -That no life lives forever, -That dead men rise up never, -That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. - -- Swinburne -% -Fuch's Warning: - If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well - enough to travel. -% -Fudd's First Law of Opposition: - Push something hard enough and it will fall over. -% -Fun experiments: - Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week. - Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want... - bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount. -% -Fun Facts, #14: - In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how - it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won. -% -Fun Facts, #63: - The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores. - It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the - Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in - 1510. -% -Function reject. -% -Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything. -% -Furbling, v.: - Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank - even when you are the only person in line. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. - -- H. H. Williams -% -Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment... -but if we send it by ship, it's cargo. -% -Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. -% -Future will arrive by its own means. Progress not so. - -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) -% -G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One -of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his -secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says -`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And -that's your chance, my boy." -% -Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union. - -- Joseph Stalin -% -Galbraith's Law of Human Nature: - Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that - there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof. -% -Garbage In - Gospel Out. -% -Garter, n.: - An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her - stockings and desolating the country. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on -our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! - -- Adventures of Asterix -% -Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". - - Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound -than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: - "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." -Obvious, isn't it? - Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start -speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as -long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all -your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and -so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed -individuals and then grow ... - Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those -signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when -everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on -the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs -backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I -think not, my friend, I think not. - -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" -% -GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) - A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for - instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch - the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good - in it today, either. -% -GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) - Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you - can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise - and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short - trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. -% -Genderplex, n.: - The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to - determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and - tortoises). - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Genealogy, n.: - An account of one's descent from an ancestor - who did not particularly care to trace his own. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -General notions are generally wrong. - -- Lady M. W. Montagu -% -Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death. - -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645 -% -Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. -% -Generic Fortune. -% -Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals. -% -Genetics explains why you look like your father, -and if you don't, why you should. -% -GENIUS: - Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right - time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying - all the right things to all the right people. -% -Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can. - -- Owen Meredith -% -Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. - -- Thomas Alva Edison -% -Genius is pain. - -- John Lennon -% -Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains. -% -Genius is the talent of a person who is dead. -% -Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. - -- Elbert Hubbard -% -Genius, n.: - A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with - "bright". -% -Genlock, n.: - Why he stays in the bottle. -% -Gentlemen, - Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach -to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying -with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and -thence by dispatch to our headquarters. - We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all -manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. -I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. -Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable -exceptions for which I beg your indulgence. - Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted -for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous -confusion as to the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry -regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness -may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a -fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall. - This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of -my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand -why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it -must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either -one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both: - 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit -of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance: - 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain. - -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office, - London, 1812 -% -Gentlemen do not read each other's mail. - -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down - the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National - Security Agency. -% -Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's -old girl friend. -% -George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of -his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note: - "Bring a friend, if you have one." - -Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he -had a previous engagement. He also attached the following: - "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one." -% -George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0. - -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 -% -George Orwell was an optimist. -% -George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to -have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. - -- Ashley Cooper -% -George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let -me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration. - "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway." - At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet -and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address. -No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog. -George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at -the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff." -Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home. - "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George -yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?" - "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're -gonna get on Labor Day." -% -(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only -one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added, -"And he didn't understand me." -% -Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: - 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. - 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. - 3) The energy required to change either one of these states - will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so - much as to make the task totally impossible. -% -Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. -% -Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light. - -- Dylan Thomas -% -Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children! -% -Getting into trouble is easy. - -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser -% -Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked -out of the Book-of-the-Month Club. - -- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out - of the American Bar Association -% -Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. - -Corollary: - Following the rules will not get the job done. -% -Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back. -% -Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"): - -'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la) -Snatch them from their little housies (...) -First we chase them 'round the field (...) -Then we have them for a meal (...) - -Toss them here and catch them there (...) -See them flying through the air (...) -Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...) -Falling mice have great appeal (...) - -See the hunter stretched before us (...) -He's chased the mice in field and forest (...) -Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...) -Of the blood of little critters (...) -% -Gilbert's Discovery: - Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces - sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other. -% -Gil-galad was an Elven-King -of him the harpers sadly sing; -the last whose realm was fair and free -between the Mountains and the Sea. - -His sword was long, his lance was keen, -his shining helm afar was seen; -the countless stars of heaven's field -were mirrored in his silver shield. - -But long ago he rode away, -and where he dwelleth none can say; -for into darkness fell his star -in Mordor where the shadows are. -% -Ginger Snap -% -Ginsberg's Theorem: - 1. You can't win. - 2. You can't break even. - 3. You can't even quit the game. - -Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: - Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem - meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's - Theorem. To wit: - - 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. - 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. - 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. -% -Ginsburg's Law: - At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your - big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on. -% -GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error. -% -Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, -and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. -% -Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. -Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner. - -- Calvin Keegan -% -Give a small boy a hammer and he will find -that everything he encounters needs pounding. -% -Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it. -% -Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down -that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File". -% -Give him an evasive answer. -% -Give me a fish and I will eat today. -Teach me to fish and I will eat forever. -% -Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh -dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world. -% -Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles. -% -Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. - -- St. Augustine -% -Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war. - -- Napoleon -% -Give me libertines or give me meth. -% -Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe, -Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow! -But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send, -Save me, oh save me from the candid friend. - -- George Canning -% -Give me your students, your secretaries, -Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free, -The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's. -Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me. -I lift my disk beside the processor. - -- Inscription on a Word Processor -% -Give thought to your reputation. -Consider changing your name and moving to a new town. -% -GIVE UP!!!! -% -Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. -% -Give your very best today. -Heaven knows it's little enough. -% -Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief. - -- William Faulkner -% -Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the -Open Software Foundation] is its mouth. - -- John Gilmore -% -Given my druthers, I'd druther not. -% -Given sufficient time, what you put -off doing today will get done by itself. -% -Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd -rather lie around. No contest. - -- Eric Clapton -% -Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and -car keys to teenage boys. - -- P. J. O'Rourke -% -Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages -whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits -LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. - -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 -% -Gleemites, n.: - Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks. - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" -% -Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: - Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the - probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting - some useful work done. -% -Gloffing is a state of mine. -% -Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink): - fifth of dry red wine - fifth of Aquavit - 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon - 10 cardamom seeds - 1 cup raisins - 4 dried figs - 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds - a few pieces of dried orange peel - 5 cloves - 1/2 lb. sugar cubes - Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine -for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT -the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire -strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match. -Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve -hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup. - N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only -if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish -extraction. -% -Gnagloot, n.: - A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to - impress people. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Go ahead, make my day. - -- (Dirty) Harry Callahan -% -Go away, I'm all right. - -- H. G. Wells' last words -% -Go away! Stop bothering me with all your -"compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP. - -logout -% -Go climb a gravity well. -% -Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. -% -Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no. - -- J. R. R. Tolkien -% -Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you. - -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides -% -Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may -be in owning a piece thereof. - -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" -% -Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends, -but quickly to their misfortunes. - -- Chilo -% -Go to a movie tonight. -Darkness becomes you. -% -Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to -all your troubles. - -- Andrew Jackson - -The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the -teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith -in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country. - -- Calvin Coolidge - -Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and -religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted -on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be -secure which is not supported by moral habits. - -- Daniel Webster -% -Go 'way! You're bothering me! -% -Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world... - -- Wally Shawn -% -GOD: - Darwin's chief rival. -% -God created a few perfect heads. -The rest he covered with hair. -% -God created woman. -And boredom did indeed cease from that moment -- -but many other things ceased as well. -Woman was God's second mistake. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six -days and then pulled an all-nighter. -% -God gave man two ears and one tongue so -that we listen twice as much as we speak. - -- Arab proverb -% -"God gives burdens; also shoulders." - -Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the -end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I -can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why -would he lie about a thing like that? - -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" -% -God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to -change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference. -% -God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little... -The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do -not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman... -not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking -and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is -not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the -morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night! - -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher -% -God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more -that you try to find success, the more that you will fail. - -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect -% -God help those who do not help themselves. - -- Wilson Mizner -% -God helps them that helps themselves. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now! -% -God instructs the heart, not by ideas, -but by pains and contradictions. - -- De Caussade -% -God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. -% -God is Dead. - -- Nietzsche -Nietzsche is Dead. - -- God -Nietzsche is God. - -- The Dead -% -God is dead and I don't feel all too well either.... - -- Ralph Moonen -% -God is love, but get it in writing. - -- Gypsy Rose Lee -% -God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a -much less ambitious project. -% -God is real, unless declared integer. -% -God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the -elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying -other things. - -- Pablo Picasso -% -God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. - -- Alfred Jarry -% -God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved. -% -God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through. - -- Paul Valery -% -God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. -% -God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. - -- Kronecker -% -God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. - -- Albert Einstein -% -God must have loved calories, she made so many of them. -% -God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them. -% -God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone, -Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too. -The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol -Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true. -The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get -Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2. -(chorus) (chorus) - -We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you, -They'll send without delay The network's also dead, -A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on -It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead. -The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks. -We'll bury them today. And only cards are read. -(chorus) (chorus) - -And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, -Before we go away, Comfort and joy, -We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. -Won't ruin your whole day. -You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way. -(chorus) - -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen -% -God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, -and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. - -- William Bragg -% -God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it. -% -God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle. -% -God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects -to receive it. - -- Austin O'Malley -% -God votes Republican. -% -God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal. - -- Samuel Butler -% -Goda's Truism: - By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, - somebody moves the ends. -% -Going the speed of light is bad for your age. -% -Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school -make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car. -% -Gold, n.: - A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It - is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich - men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, - although gold hasn't done anything to them. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -Goldenstern's Rules: - 1. Always hire a rich attorney. - 2. Never buy from a rich salesman. -% -Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops -eating before he bursts. -% -Gold's Law: - If the shoe fits, it's ugly. -% -Gomme's Laws: - (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches. - (2) Time accelerates. - (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away. -% -Gone With The Wind LITE(tm) - -- by Margaret Mitchell - - A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed. - -Gift of the Magii LITE(tm) - -- by O. Henry - - A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences. - -The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm) - -- by Ernest Hemingway - - An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck. - -Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm) - -- by Anne Frank - - A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered. -% -Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven. -% -Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. -% -Good day for business affairs. -Make a pass at that the new file clerk. -% -Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. -% -Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. -% -Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work. -% -Good day to deal with people in high places; -particularly lonely stewardesses. -% -Good day to let down old friends who need help. -% -Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational -at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred -ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a -song. If you would like, I could sing it for you. -% -Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere. -% -Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of -those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the -will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of -government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders. - -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune" -% -"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die. -% -Good judgment comes from experience. -Experience comes from bad judgment. - -- Jim Horning -% -Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. -% -Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're -giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely -at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now. -% -Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. -% -Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor. -% -Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. -% -Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are! -% -Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are. -% -Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's -new lover. -% -Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry. - -- R. E. Schenk -% -Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre. - -- Gail Godwin -% -Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. - -- George Saunders' dying words -% -Goodbye, cool world. -% -Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with -tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerors of human -misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known -that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to -my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised -my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the -holy words, "Heil Hitler!" - -- George Lincoln Rockwell -% -Gordon's first law: - If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing - well. -% -Gordon's Law: - If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased. -% -Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with -time travel, you never can tell. - -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who: Androids of Tara" -% -Gossip, n.: - Hearing something you like about someone you don't. - -- Earl Wilson -% -//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH -% -Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service? -Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number": - - 1-800-AUDITME -% -Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life. -% -Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack, -I went out for a ride and never came back. -Like a river that don't know where it's flowing, -I took a wrong turn and I just kept going. - - Everybody's got a hungry heart. - Everybody's got a hungry heart. - Lay down your money and you play your part, - Everybody's got a hungry heart. - -I met her in a Kingstown bar, -We fell in love, I knew it had to end. -We took what we had and we ripped it apart, -Now here I am down in Kingstown again. - -Everybody needs a place to rest, -Everybody wants to have a home. -Don't make no difference what nobody says, -Ain't nobody likes to be alone. - -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart" -% -Got Mole problems? -Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23. -% -Goto, n.: - A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers - to complain about unstructured programmers. - -- Ray Simard -% -Gourmet, n.: - Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or - revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're - leaving the best part. -% -Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it. - -- Lao Tsu -% -Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage. - -- John Updike, "Couples" -% -Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are -different lies. -% -Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any -more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't -know much. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% -Government's Law: - There is an exception to all laws. -% -Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's -leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on -board. - -- Princess Leia Organa -% -Grabel's Law: - 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. -% -Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. -% -Graduate students and most professors are -no smarter than undergrads. They're just older. -% -Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke -he exclaimed: - "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine, - or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!" - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% -Grandpa Charnock's Law: - You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. - - [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.] -% -Graphics blind the eyes. -Audio files deafen the ear. -Mouse clicks numb the fingers. -Heuristics weaken the mind. -Options wither the heart. - -The Guru observes the net -but trusts his inner vision. -He allows things to come and go. -His heart is as open as the ether. -% -GRASSHOPPOTAMUS: - A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once. -% -Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion. - -- Joseph Alsop -% -GRAVITY: - What you get when you eat too much and too fast. -% -Gravity brings me down. -% -Gray's Law of Programming: - 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be - accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks. - -Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: - 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks. -% -Great acts are made up of small deeds. - -- Lao Tsu -% -Great American Axiom: - Some is good, more is better, too much is just right. -% -Great minds run in great circles. -% -GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17): - -On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his -place of residence. -% -GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751 - -Isaac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs. -% -GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915 - -Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup. -% -Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. - -- Albert Einstein - -They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they -also laughed at Bozo the Clown. - -- Carl Sagan -% -Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent. -% -Green light in A.M. for new projects. -Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. -% -Greener's Law: - Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. -% -Green's Law of Debate: -Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. -% -Greenspun's Tenth Rule of Programming: - Any sufficiently complicated C or Fortran program contains - an ad hoc informally-specified bug-ridden slow implementation - of half of Common Lisp. -% -Grelb's Reminder: - Eighty percent of all people consider - themselves to be above average drivers. -% -grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines. -% -Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full -value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. - -- Mark Twain -% -Griffin's Thought: - When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. -% -Grig (the navigator): - ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space - armada. -Alex (the gunner): - What?!? -Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against - overwhelming odds. -Alex: It'll be a slaughter! -Grig: That's the spirit! - -- The Last Starfighter -% -Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity: - At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today. -% -Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the -groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide. - -- Johnny Carson -% -Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives. - -- Maurice Chevalier -% -Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good -reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional -concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere, -disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without -any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced -meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like -Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the -adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively -authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public -television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular -sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by -combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the -universe while straddling a giant worm. - -- Arnold Klein -% -Grub first, then ethics. - -- Bertolt Brecht -% -GUILLOTINE: - A French chopping center. -% -Gumperson's Law: - The probability of a given event - occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability. -% -Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people. -% -Gunter's Airborne Discoveries: - (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft, - the aircraft will encounter turbulence. - (2) The strength of the turbulence - is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee. -% -Gurmlish, n.: - The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents - the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth. - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" -% -GURU: - A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with - a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the - phone call you are about to receive from your boss. -% -Guru, n.: - A computer owner who can read the manual. -% -Gyroscope, n.: - A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also -free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each -other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two -mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the -other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus -offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any -torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. - -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary -% -H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you, - Slice him up before he slays you. - Nothing makes you look a slob - Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB). - -- The Roguelet's ABC -% -H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L. -Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. - -- Maxwell Bodenheim -% -H. L. Mencken's Law: - Those who can -- do. - Those who can't -- teach. - -Martin's Extension: - Those who cannot teach -- administrate. - - [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.] -% -Hacker, n.: - Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate -things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical -philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, "hack." - In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body -of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in -a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight, -and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty: - - Hacker's Fight Song - - He's a Hack! He's a Hack! - He's a guy with the happy knack! - Never bungles, never shirks, - Always gets his stuff to work! - -All take a drink (important!) -% -Hackers are just a migratory life form with a tropism for computers. -% -Hacker's Guide To Cooking: -2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't - really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.) -1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty - strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure) -1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too) -8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you - can squirt all over your friends and lick off...) -"Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to - join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through - merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy - and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric - beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off - the ceiling(3m). -"Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You - just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right? - If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent - GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter. -"...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge - for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and - by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin. -% -Hacker's Law: - The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a - nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. -% -Hackers of the world, unite! -% -Hacker's Quicky #313: - Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips - Microwave Egg Roll - Chocolate Milk -% -Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. -% -Had he and I but met -By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry, -We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face, -Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me, - And killed him in his place. -I shot him dead because -- -Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps, -Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I -- -That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps - No other reason why. -Yes; quaint and curious war is! -You shoot a fellow down -You'd treat, if met where any bar is -Or help to half-a-crown. - -- Thomas Hardy -% -Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some -useful hints for the better ordering of the universe. - -- Alfonso the Wise - - [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when - referring to operating system initialization.] -% -Had this been an actual emergency, we would have -fled in terror, and you would not have been informed. -% -Hail to the sun god -He's such a fun god -Ra! Ra! Ra! -% -Hailing frequencies open, Captain. -% -Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that -a big enough majority in any town? - -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" -% -Hale Mail Rule, The: - When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least - one of the following: - (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter. - (b) Stationery. - (c) Postage stamp. - (d) The letter you are answering. -% -Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be. -But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See? -But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee, -When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury? -% -Half Moon tonight. (At least it is better than no Moon at all.) -% -Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. -% -Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, -and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it. -% -Half-done, n.: - This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy, - light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this - and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the - difference between life and death. - - You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there - in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport, - fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall, - transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on - Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk - about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the - man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it? - -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" -% -Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank. -% -Hall's Laws of Politics: - (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. - (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want - something fixed. - (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend - military spending, and conservatives social spending in - their own districts). -% -Hand, n.: - A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and - commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Handel's Proverb: - You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women! -% -Handshaking protocol, n.: - A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a - terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by - occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling. -% -Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way. - -- Pink Floyd -% -Hangover, n.: - The wrath of grapes. -% -Hanlon's Razor: - Never attribute to malice - that which is adequately explained by stupidity. -% -Hanson's Treatment of Time: - There are never enough hours in a day, - but always too many days before Saturday. -% -Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others. -% -Happiness is a hard disk. -% -Happiness is a positive cash flow. -% -Happiness is good health and a bad memory. - -- Ingrid Bergman -% -Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. - -- Ogden Nash -% -Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion. -% -Happiness is the greatest good. -% -Happiness is twin floppies. -% -Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have. -% -Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. - -- Oscar Levant -% -Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length. -% -Happiness, n.: - An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of - another. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Happiness, n.: - Finding the owner of a lost bikini. -% -Happy feast of the pig! -% -Happy is the child whose father died rich. -% -Hard, adj.: - The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those - of other people. -% -Hard reality has a way of cramping your style. - -- Daniel Dennett -% -Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance? -% -Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? - -- Charlie McCarthy -% -Hardware, n.: - The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. -% -Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark -The Duke is fond of kittens -He likes to take their insides out -And use them for his mittens - -- "The 13 Clocks" -% -Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, -Advertising wondrous things. - -- Tom Lehrer -% -Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand -convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want. - -- Tobias Smollet -% -Harp not on that string. - -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" -% -Harriet's Dining Observation: - In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats - increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread. -% -Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George -and I were waiting with our plates ready. - "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help -the gravy with." - The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to -reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round -again, Harris and the pie were gone! - It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for -hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were -on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it. - George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other. - "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried. - "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George. - There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly -theory. - "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending -to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake." - And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he -hadn't been carving that pie." - -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat" -% -Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: - Experience is directly proportional to the amount of - equipment ruined. -% -Harrison's Postulate: -For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. -% -Harris's Lament: - All the good ones are taken. -% -Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as -always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that -required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There -were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50 -feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit -a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the -pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral -procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club, -took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as -the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball -again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did, -waiting for the funeral to pass like that." - Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It -was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I -could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years, -you know." -% -Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he -makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean -famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses -probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you -have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like -enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their -attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock -down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, -just like Richard Nixon." - -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob" -% -Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with -milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the -sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do -with all that pep and vitality. -% -Hartley's First Law: - You can lead a horse to water, but if you can - get him to float on his back, you've got something. -% -Hartley's Second Law: - Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. - -My corollary: - The completely psychotic have all the fun. -% -Harvard Law: - Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, - temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the - organism will do as it damn well pleases. -% -HARVARD: -Quarterback: - Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with -a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinski -has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed -has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league. -Wide Receiver: - The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior -Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being -fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five -or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you -asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of -those times. -YALE: -Defense: - On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies. -Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron -Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to -the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds -out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening -coin toss. - -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game -% -Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter? -% -Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed -with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard -was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands. -It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural, -but a lot harder than it appears. -% -Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it -appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down, -and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us -not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickle the midriff, its -incomparable services as a maker of entertainment. - -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" -% -Haste makes waste. - -- John Heywood -% -Hatcheck girl: - "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!" -Mae West: - "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie." - -- "Night After Night", 1932 -% -Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is -stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured. -% -Hate the sin and love the sinner. - -- Mahatma Gandhi -% -Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, -unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax. - -- Mike Royko -% -Hatred, n.: - A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's - superiority. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Have a coke and a smile! - -- John DeLorean -% -Have a nice day! -% -Have a nice diurnal anomaly. -% -Have a place for everything and keep the thing -somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom. - -- Mark Twain -% -Have a taco. - -- P. S. Beagle -% -Have an adequate day. -% -Have at you! -% -Have no friends not equal to yourself. - -- Confucius -% -Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is -to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a -non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? - -Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This -still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or -only serves to blunt the warning signs. - - Long live the revolution! - Have a nice day. -% -Have the courage to take your own thoughts -seriously, for they will shape you. - -- Albert Einstein -% -Have you ever felt like a wounded cow -halfway between an oven and a pasture? -walking in a trance toward a pregnant - seventeen-year-old housewife's - two-day-old cookbook? - -- Richard Brautigan -% -Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned? - -Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me, -she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and -whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical. -So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to -remain so. - -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady" -% -Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying -to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play' -never find the time for play? -% -Have you flogged your kid today? -% -Have you locked your file cabinet? -% -Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, -vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk? -% -Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline -sharply the minute they start waving guns around? - -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" -% -Have you reconsidered a computer career? -% -Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can -photograph an American with his mouth shut! -% -Have you seen the old man in the closed down market, -Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes? -In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side -Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news. - -How can you tell me you're lonely, -And say for you the sun don't shine? -Let me take you by the hand -Lead you through the streets of London -I'll show you something to make you change your mind... - -Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission -Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears. -In our winter city the rain cries a little pity -For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care... -% -Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue? -On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air, -High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars, -Spending every dime, for a wonderful time... -If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, -Why don't you go where fashion sits, -... -Dressed up like a million dollar trooper, -Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper) -Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks, -Or umbrellas, in their mitts, -Puttin' on the Ritz. -... -If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, -Why don't you go where fashion sits, -Puttin' on the Ritz. -Puttin' on the Ritz. -Puttin' on the Ritz. -Puttin' on the Ritz. -% -Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin -in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father, -then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and -eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food, -blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After -the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home. - -- L. M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman" -% -Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer. -% -Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. - -- Martin Mull -% -Having no talent is no longer enough. - -- Gore Vidal -% -Having nothing, nothing can he lose. - -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" -% -Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods. - -- Socrates -% -Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly -relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with -the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar. - "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big -dog, too!" -% -Hawkeye's Conclusion: - It's not easy to play the clown - when you've got to run the whole circus. -% -He: Do you like Kipling? -She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled! -% -He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?" -She: "What do you want me to yell?" - -- Benny Hill -% -HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. -SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains. - -- Walt Kelley -% -He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now. - -- Steven Wright -% -He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental -effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable -perversion. - -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails" -% -He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all -the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home." - -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" -% -He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural. - -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night" -% -He draweth out the thread of his verbosity -finer than the staple of his argument. - -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" -% -He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions. - -- Stephen Leacock -% -He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle. -% -He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation -perfectly delightful. - -- Sydney Smith -% -He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild -and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned -all hope of ever behaving "normally." - -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" -% -He hadn't a single redeeming vice. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer, -Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude". - -- Stig's Inferno -% -He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him. - -- Bion -% -He hath eaten me out of house and home. - -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" -% -He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle -of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he -said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..." - -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West" -% -He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey. - -- John LeCarre -% -He is considered a most graceful speaker -who can say nothing in the most words. -% -He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. -% -He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others. - -- Samuel Johnson -% -He is now rising from affluence to poverty. - -- Mark Twain -% -He is the best of men who dislikes power. - -- Mohammed -% -He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap. -% -He jests at scars who never felt a wound. - -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2" -% -He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent. -% -He knew the tavernes well in every toun. - -- Geoffrey Chaucer -% -He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow. - -- Sir Richard Burton -% -He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told, -once when it's explained, and once when he understands it. -% -He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered. - -- Ring Lardner -% -He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue. - -- Andrew Lang -% -He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain -had fallen to the ground. - -- The Book of Serenity -% -(He opens a tolm and begins.) - - It says: "In the beginning was the Word." - Already I am stopped. It seems absurd. - The Word does not deserve the highest prize, - I must translate it otherwise. - If I am well inspired and not blind. - It says: "In the beginning was the Mind." - Ponder that first line, wait and see, - Lest you should write too hastily. - Is the Mind the all-creating source? - It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force." - Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen, - That my translation must be changed again. - The spirit helps me. Now it is exact. - I write: "In the beginning was the Act." - -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust" -% -[He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace. - -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear - -My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked. - -- Peter Stack, movie review - -His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge. - -- John Stark, movie review -% -He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. - -- John Mason Brown, drama critic -% -He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick, -And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. - -- Ogden Nash, on the perfect husband -% -He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom. - -- J. R. R. Tolkien -% -He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open. - -- Scottish proverb -% -He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -He that is giddy thinks the world turns round. - -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" -% -He that teaches himself has a fool for a master. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself. -% -He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived. - -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" -% -He thought he saw an albatross -That fluttered 'round the lamp. -He looked again and saw it was -A penny postage stamp. -"You'd best be getting home," he said, -"The nights are rather damp." -% -He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than -three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked. -In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by -slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply, -the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'." - -- Eric Van Lustbader -% -[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had -a complete set. - -- Ring Lardner -% -He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose. -% -He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he -made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she -disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to -dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he -told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun." - -- Jack Handey -% -He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. - -- Jonathan Swift -% -He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him -insufferable. -% -He was part of my dream, of course -- -but then I was part of his dream too. - -- Lewis Carroll, - "Through the Looking-Glass, - and What Alice Found There" (1871) -% -He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. -% -He was the sort of person whose personality -would be greatly improved by a terminal illness. -% -He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut. -% -He who attacks the fundamentals of the American -broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself. - -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS -% -He who dares the wrong, acts right, that's how it happens! - -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) -% -He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for -the human condition is a fool. - -- Albert Camus -% -He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool. - -- Honore de Balzac -% -He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside. - -- Sinbad -% -He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day. -% -He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over. -% -He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last. -% -He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet. -% -He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet. -% -He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much -a master of the world as he who is ready to die. - -- Giacomo Leopardi -% -He who hates vices hates mankind. -% -He who hesitates is a damned fool. - -- Mae West -% -He who hesitates is last. -% -He who hesitates is sometimes saved. -% -He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day. -% -He who invents adages for others to peruse -takes along rowboat when going on cruise. -% -He who is content with his lot probably has a lot. -% -He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist. -% -He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. -% -He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't -encounter many rivals. - -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms" -% -He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the -night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his -senses until the day of judgment. - -- Saadi -% -He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon. -% -He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. - -- Lao Tsu -% -He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him. -He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him. -He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him. -% -He who knows nothing, knows nothing. -But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. -And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, - he knows something. Or something like that. -% -He who knows others is wise. -He who knows himself is enlightened. - -- Lao Tsu -% -He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. - -- Lao Tsu -% -He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news. - -- Bertolt Brecht -% -He who laughs last -- missed the punch line. -% -He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth. -% -He who laughs last is probably your boss. -% -He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained. -% -He who laughs, lasts. -% -He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes. -% -He who loses, wins the race, -And parallel lines meet in space. - -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth" -% -He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man. - -- Dr. Johnson -% -He who minds his own business is never unemployed. -% -He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will -be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known. - -- Sir Richard Burton -% -He who slings mud generally loses ground. - -- Adlai E. Stevenson -% -He who slings mud loses ground. - -- Chinese proverb -% -He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT. -% -He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance. -% -He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned. - -- Sinbad -% -He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. - -- M. C. Escher -% -He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion -on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general -education and culture. - -- Julia Norton McCorkle -% -HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!! -Details at 11. -% -Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. -% -Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, -lying in hospitals dying of nothing. - -- Redd Foxx -% -Hear about... - the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus? - Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe. -% -Hear about... - the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she - would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea? -% -Hear about... - the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and - attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended - up a chopped libber? -% -Hear about... - the guru who refused Novocaine while having a tooth pulled because - he wanted to transcend dental medication? -% -Hear about... - the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings - that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This - Space"? -% -Hear about... - the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated - company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the - typewriter's ribbon? -% -Hear about... - the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery? - One fortunate cookie... -% -Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. -From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever. - -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce -% -Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several -Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world. -% -Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable. - -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz" -% -Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant, -on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning. - -- Dr. John Lightfoot, - Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University -% -Heaven, n.: - A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of - their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention - while you expound your own. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Heavier than air flying machines are impossible. - -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895 -% -Heavy, adj.: - Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. -% -Hedonist for hire... no job too easy! -% -Heisenberg may have been here. -% -Heisenberg may have slept here. -% -Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. - -- Milton Friedman -% -Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place, -for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be. - -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus" -% -Hell, if you don't try to remake someone, -how are they supposed to know you care? -% -Hell is empty and all the devils are here. - -- William Shakespeare, "The Tempest" -% -Hell, n.: - Truth seen too late. -% -Heller's Law: - The first myth of management is that it exists. - -Johnson's Corollary: - Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the - organization. -% -Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you -please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you. -Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. -% -Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a -date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see? -And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so -you set off across the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right -smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you -don't hear your girl screaming any more? - - Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high! - You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off! - You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship! -% -"Hello," he lied. - -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent -% -Hell's broken loose. - -- Robert Greene -% -Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory! -% -HELP! Man trapped in a human body! -% -HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! - -- E. E. CUMMINGS -% -Help a swallow land at Capistrano. -% -Help fight continental drift. -% -HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/share/games/fortune! -% -Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file! -% -Help stamp out and abolish redundancy! -% -Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants! -% -Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without -getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering -her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or -regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make -them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging -them, without any power of engaging their respect. - -- J. Austen -% -Her locks an ancient lady gave -Her loving husband's life to save; -And men -- they honored so the dame -- -Upon some stars bestowed her name. - -But to our modern married fair, -Who'd give their lords to save their hair, -No stellar recognition's given. -There are not stars enough in heaven. -% -Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; -from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth... -% -Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason. -% -Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be -I've been caught inside this trap too many times -I must've walked these steps and said these words a - thousand times before -It seems like I know everybody's lines. - -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?" -% -Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when -I grow up. - -- Peter Drucker -% -Here I sit, broken-hearted, -All logged in, but work unstarted. -First net.this and net.that, -And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. - -The boss comes by, and I play the game, -Then I turn back to net.flame. -Is there a cure (I need your views), -For someone trapped in net.news? - -I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, -'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. -% -Here in my heart, I am Helen; - I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. -I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael; - I'm Salome, moon of the East. - -Here in my soul I am Sappho; - Lady Hamilton am I, as well. -In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, - With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell. - -I'm all of the glamorous ladies - At whose beckoning history shook. -But you are a man, and see only my pan, - So I stay at home with a book. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical -lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach -your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. -Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in -pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, -but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an -important electrical lesson. - -It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed -your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small -objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will -attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and -collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your -friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the -carpet, thus completing the circuit. - -Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without -touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your -finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you -have carpeting. - -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" -% -Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: -if you're alive, it isn't. -% -Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According -to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe -marketing anxiety in China. - -The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the -inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole". - -Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? - -The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get -a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax -tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad -satiric vistas do not open up. - -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle -% -HERE LIES LESTER MOORE -SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44 -NO LES -NO MOORE - -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ -% -Here lies my wife: her let her lie! -Now she's at rest, and so am I. - -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife -% -Here there by tygers. -% -HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in -the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms -around as if you're going to fall. - -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) -% -Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like -`Psychic Wins Lottery.' - -- Jay Leno -% -Herth's Law: - He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck. -% -He's been like a father to me, -He's the only DJ you can get after three, -I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band, -And why he don't like me I don't understand. - -- The Byrds -% -He's dead, Jim. -% -He's got the heart of a little child, -and he keeps it in a jar on his desk. -% -He's just a politician trying to save both his faces... -% -He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows. -% -He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of -his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not. - -- Phil Lapsley -% -He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd -be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. -% -He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is. -% -Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. -If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms. -% -Hewett's Observation: - The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or - her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of - peers similarly engaged. -% -Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl -To get a little more stack; -If that's not enough then you lose it all -And have to pop all the way back. -% -Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were -gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number? -% -HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: - Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to - tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because - these words were spoken. -% -Hey, what do you expect from a culture that -*drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*? - -- Gallagher -% -Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother -Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants. -% -Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and -the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please -leave your name and message after the beep... -% -Hi! How are things going? - (just fine, thank you...) -Great! Say, could I bother you for a question? - (you just asked one...) -Well, how about one more? - (one more than the first one?) -Yes. - (you already asked that...) -[at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ] -May I ask two questions, sir? - (no.) -May I ask ONE then? - (nope...) -Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question? - (yes, you may.) -Sir, how may I ask you a question? - (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for - the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that - number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the - next one) -Sir, may I ask nine questions? - (go right ahead...) -% -Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. -As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of -equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. -Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you -probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of -course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my -experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out -of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser. - -Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our -motto is: "It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain." - -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering" -% -Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax. -You wanna help on the audit now? -% -Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person -reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, -nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. -% -Hickery Dickery Dock, -The mice ran up the clock, -The clock struck one, -The others escaped with minor injuries. -% -Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse? - - WE CAN HELP! - -Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment. -% -Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich; -Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich. -Wir haben ihn ins Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws -Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; - We buried him today because - As far as we can tell, he's dead. - -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty - Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher; - "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter - Schickele -% -Higgeldy Piggeldy, -Hamlet of Elsinore -Ruffled the critics by dropping this bomb: -"Phooey on Freud and his Psychoanalysis -- -Oedipus, Shmoedipus, I just loved Mom." -% -Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue. -Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a - little of both. - -- Shaw, "Pygmalion" -% -High heels are a device invented by a woman -who was tired of being kissed on the forehead. -% -High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven: -Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high - saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it - smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the - people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and - breakfast cereals, and lima bean- -High Priest: Skip a bit, brother. -Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take - out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less. - *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the - counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither - count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is - RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached, - then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being - naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen. -All: Amen. - -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade" -% -HIGH TECHNOLOGY: - A California innovation composed - of equal parts of silicon and marijuana. -% -Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor. -% -Hildebrant's Principle: - If you don't know where you are going, - any road will get you there. -% -Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?" -Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist." -Him: "Really? That's incredible... - It must be very tough to handle weightlessness." - -- "The Jerk" -% -Hindsight is always 20:20. - -- Billy Wilder -% -Hippogriff, n.: - An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. - The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half - eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter - eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study - of zoology is full of surprises. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Hire the morally handicapped. -% -His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob -a lady of her fortune by way of marriage. - -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones" -% -...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest. - -- Tommy -% -His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling -outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew... -% -His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred -to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never -claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum- -stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit. -Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers -went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of -prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri, -goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through -the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the -Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze -rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday. -Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique... - -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light" -% -His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had -money, he went to Southern California. -% -His heart was yours from the first moment that you met. -% -His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water. - -- P. G. Wodehouse -% -His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler. -% -His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice. - -- Foghorn Leghorn -% -His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier. -% -Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer -of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that -continues to this day. - -- Wayne Shannon -% -History books which contain no lies are extremely dull. -% -History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history -of the Mexican revolution: - - "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was -captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and -shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to -the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the -army where he was then executed." -% -History is curious stuff - You'd think by now we had enough -Yet the fact remains I fear - They make more of it every year. -% -History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, -cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names. - -- Leo Tolstoy -% -History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians). -% -History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on. - -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" -% -History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. -% -History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second -time as bedroom farce. -% -History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time. -% -History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge, -periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them -asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at -intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago -state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained. - -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species" -% -Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy, -Burn that sausage just a match or two more done. -Pour my black old coffee longer, -While that smell is gettin' stronger -A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want. - -Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me, -With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun, -If that coat'll fit you're wearin', -The Lord'll bless your sharin' -A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want. - -And let me halfway fall in love, -For part of a lonely night, -With a semi-pretty woman in my arms. -Yes, I could halfway fall in deep-- -Into a snugglin', lovin' heap, -With a semi-pretty woman in my arms. - -- Elroy Blunt -% -Hitchcock's Staple Principle: - The stapler runs out of staples - only while you are trying to staple something. -% -Hitler used methods against white men in Europe, which by tacit -agreement between the cultural European nations were only to be -used against the coloured. - -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) -% -Hlade's Law: - If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- - they will find an easier way to do it. -% -Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents: -An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel. - -The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional -media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters, -discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores -our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental -structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to -remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and -creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its -inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and -class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of -the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has -sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to -exist in a more fundamental sense. -% -Hoare's Law of Large Problems: - Inside every large problem is a small - problem struggling to get out. -% -Hodie natus est radici frater. -% -Hoffer's Discovery: - The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly - revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual. -% -Hofstadter's Law: - It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take - Hofstadter's Law into account. -% -HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME -- - Take a shot every time: - --- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!" --- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink. --- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery. --- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go). --- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots - if it's one of our heroes on the other end). --- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front. --- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and - tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink). --- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground. --- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13. --- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food). --- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter. --- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape. --- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell". --- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive). --- Lebeau wears his apron. --- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the - plan is impossible. --- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel. -% -Hollerith, v.: - What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth. -% -Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. - -- Rex Reed -% -Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder? -Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh? - - Tune in again tomorrow: - same Bat-time, same Bat-channel! -% -HOLY MACRO! -% -Home is the place where, when you have to go there, -they have to take you in. - -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man" -% -Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a -cage is to a cockatoo. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories: -The ultimate in watchdog weaponry. - -- Chris Shaw -% -Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat. -% -"Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor. - -- Samuel Butler -% -Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty. - -- Plato -% -Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. -% -Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. - -- F. M. Hubbard -% -Honesty's the best policy. - -- Miguel de Cervantes -% -Honeymoon, n.: - A short period of doting between dating and debting. - -- Ray C. Bandy -% -Honi soit la vache qui rit. -% -Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." -% -Honk if you love peace and quiet. -% -Honorable, adj.: - Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative - bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, - "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper. - -- Francis Bacon -% -Hope is a waking dream. - -- Aristotle -% -Hope not, lest ye be disappointed. - -- M. Horner -% -Hope that the day after you die is a nice day. -% -Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound. - -- Peanuts -% -Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much -as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with. - -- Moore -% -Horner's Five Thumb Postulate: - Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. -% -Horngren's Observation: - Among economists, the real world is often a special case. -% -Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. - -- Jack Benny -% -Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. - -- W. C. Fields -% -HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N) -% -HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP... -% -Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they -had towels from my house. - -- Mark Guido -% -Houdini escaping from New Jersey! -% -Household hint: - If you are out of cream for your coffee, - mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute. -% -Housework can kill you if done right. - -- Erma Bombeck -% -Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed. - -- Neil Armstrong -% -How apt the poor are to be proud. - -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night" -% -How can you be in two places at once -when you're not anywhere at all? -% -How can you do "New Math" problems with an "Old Math" mind? - -- Schulz -% -How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese? - -- Charles de Gaulle -% -How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat? - -- Pink Floyd -% -How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our -thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another -in the waking state? - -- Plato -% -How can you think and hit at the same time? - -- Yogi Berra -% -How can you work when the system's so crowded? -% -How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour? -% -How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they -claim they'll make you? -% -How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? -% -How come we never talk anymore? -% -How come wrong numbers are never busy? -% -How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards -in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule? - -- A. Cooper -% -How could they think women a recreation? -Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest? -Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm -of flesh must prove a luxury of primes; -be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth. -Which is not to damn the forested China of touching. -I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge -of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me. -The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth. -Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins. -A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying. -I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege, -for my life has been eaten in that foliate city. -To ambergris. But not for recreation. -I would not have lost so much for recreation. - -Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game -of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming. -Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness -have I come this far, stubborn, disastrous way. -But for relish of those archipelagoes of person. -To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow, -and call and call forever till she turn from bird -to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon. -To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman -in all her fresh particularity of difference. -Then oh, through the underwater time of night -indecent and still, to speak to her without habit. -This I have done with my life, and am content. -I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark, -standing in the huge singing and the alien world. - -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell" -% -How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows. -% -How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? - -- Elliot, "E.T." -% -How doth the little crocodile - Improve his shining tail, -And pour the waters of the Nile - On every golden scale! - -How cheerfully he seems to grin, - How neatly spreads his claws, -And welcomes little fishes in, - With gently smiling jaws! - -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) -% -How doth the VAX's C-compiler - Improve its object code. -And even as we speak does it - Increase the system load. - -How patiently it seems to run - And spit out error flags, -While users, with frustration, all - Tear all their clothes to rags. -% -How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to -journalists, and they believe what they read. - -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms" -% -How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them. -% -How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to? - -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero -% -"How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being -carried by a waiter at a nice party?" - -Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors -d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell -what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then -say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it -back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another -cheese!" and so on. - -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" -% -How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass? -% -How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? -None: "We'll document it in the manual." -% -How many weeks are there in a light year? -% -How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to -Dayton? - -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey -% -How much does she love you? -Less than you'll ever know. -% -How much for your women? I want to buy your -daughter... how much for the little girl? - -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers" -% -How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work? -% -How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them? -% -How often I found where I should be going -only by setting out for somewhere else. - -- R. Buckminster Fuller -% -How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent. -% -How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?" - -- Linus Van Pelt -% -How to become a sysop: - I grew a beard, started wearing only t-shirts and jeans, and - developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've never - worked a full day in my life since then. - -- rho/slashdot -% -How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children - -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes -% -How untasteful can you get? -% -How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. -% -HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: - #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces. -% -HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: - #15 Your pet rock snaps at you. -% -HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: - #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of - you. -% -How you look depends on where you go. -% -Howe's Law: - Everyone has a scheme that will not work. -% -However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity -in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea. - -- Tom K. Ryan -% -However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There -is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs. -There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ, -or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any -powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used -sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are -not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force -government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree -with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they -threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and -tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen -that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and -"D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to -claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more -angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group -who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll -call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step -of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans -in the name of "conservatism." - -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record -% -HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion -that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making -changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment -was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House -amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment -was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to. - -- Albuquerque Journal -% -Hubbard's Law: - Don't take life too seriously; - you won't get out of it alive. -% -Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!! -Oh wait... -I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out. -Never mind. -% -Huh? -% -Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. -% -Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929. -Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating -table to prevent her interference, he placed a urethral catheter into -a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and -walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory -x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize. -% -Human kind cannot bear very much reality. - -- T. S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton" -% -Human resources are human first, and resources second. - -- J. Garbers -% -Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, -responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and -immature. - -- Tom Robbins -% -Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough. - -- Alan Kay -% -Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people. - -- Oliver Wendell Holmes -% -Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. -% -Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse. - -- William Gilbert -% -Humorists always sit at the children's table. - -- Woody Allen -% -"Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on -chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable -jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to -state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all -through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!" - "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham -Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged, -You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your -dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But -oil!" - -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who" -% -Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, -Humpty Dumpty had a great fall! -All the king's horses, -And all the king's men, -Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again! -% -Humpty Dumpty was pushed. -% -Hurewitz's Memory Principle: - The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional - to... to... uh..... -% -Hydrogen: A colorless, odorless, lighter than air gas which, given -time, turns into people. - -- Harlow Shapley -% -I: - The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin - with a silk sow. The same is true of money. -II: - If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would - probably be twice as good as yesterday was. -III: - There are no lazy veteran lion hunters. -IV: - If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to. -V: - One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output. - Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average - output. - -- Norman Augustine -% -I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people -are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen -carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence -terrifies people the most. - -- Bob Dylan -% -I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster. - -- John Hinckley -% -I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs. - -- Muhammad Ali -% -I allow the world to live as it chooses, -and I allow myself to live as I choose. -% -I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor -or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority -viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. - -- Richard M. Nixon - -What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? - -- Richard M. Nixon -% -I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their -good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies. - -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" -% -I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human. - -- David Bowie -% -I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. -It is never any good to oneself. - -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband" -% -I always say beauty is only sin deep. - -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a. Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat" -% -I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's -accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures. - -- Chief Justice Earl Warren -% -I always wake up at the crack of ice. - -- Joe E. Lewis -% -I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle; -'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle -I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey -- -On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day! -I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and -The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow, -Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters, -And a cow. And a cow. - -The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it -Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it! -The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute, -It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot." -Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads -One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now: - Two game wardens, seven hunters, - And a pure-bred gurnsey cow. - -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song" -% -I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent -person, you will not sell me another book. -% -I am a computer. -I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator. -% -I am a conscientious man, when I throw -rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned. - -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is" -% -I am a deeply superficial person. - -- Andy Warhol -% -I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend -than be one. - -- Clarence Darrow -% -I am a man: nothing human is alien to me. - -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) -% -I am a PC technician - however, this has unfortunately caused my -computer to be running Win98. - -- seen on a FreeBSD mailing-list -% -I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented -limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice. - -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance" -% -I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else. - -- Winston Churchill -% -I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder -have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products. -This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's -reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go -buy some more. - -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM -% -I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves -for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man -is to suffer for others. - -- Cesar Chavez -% -I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three -quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts -otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me. - -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell -% -I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool. - -- Katharine Whitehorn -% -I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas, -I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art -was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators. - -- Steven Wright -% -I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, -of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell -you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial -atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something -inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. - -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan -% -I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy. - -- Yul Brynner, 1956 -% -I am looking for a honest man. - -- Diogenes the Cynic -% -I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work. -% -I am NOMAD! -% -I am not a crook. - -- Richard M. Nixon -% -I am not a politician and my other habits are also good. - -- A. Ward -% -I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today. - -- William Allen White -% -I am not an Economist. I am an honest man! - -- Paul McCracken -% -I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger. - -- Gloria Steinem -% -I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party. - -- Dennis M. Ritchie -% -I am not sure what this is, but an "F" would only dignify it. - -- English Professor -% -I am of the belief that catnip arrived on the planet in the same spaceship -that delivered cats. It is the only thing they have from their home -planet. Tuna, chicken, sparrow-brains, etc., these are all things of our -world that they like, but catnip is crack from home. - -- Bill Cole -% -I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do -something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what -I can do. - -- Edward Everett Hale, (1822 - 1909) -% -I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say -(in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated. - -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason" -% -I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared -for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. - -- Winston Churchill -% -I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone -has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. - -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University -% -I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast -with an option to buy. -% -I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. -% -I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can. -% -I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so. - -- John Donne -% -I am two with nature. - -- Woody Allen -% -I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, -I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence. - -- Samuel Johnson -% -I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the -sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are -loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway. - -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, - University of Tennessee at Knoxville -% -I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an -argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and -steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, -they don't even invite me. - -- Dave Barry -% -I asked a teacher what the opposite of a miracle was and she, without -thinking, I assume, said it was an act of God. - -- Terry Prachett (Daily Mail 21 june 2008) -% -I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards -why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the -small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this -would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency. -Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures -them completely, even molding the keypads. - -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979 -% -I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty, -ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities. -% -I B M -U B M -We all B M -For I B M!!!! - -- H.A.R.L.I.E. -% -I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. - -- Gilda Radner -% -I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the -perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough, -I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years -and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone -a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years -together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My -wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching -the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to -be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting -to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And -as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and -twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only -with time. - -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman" -% -I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, -particularly if he has income and she is pattable. - -- Ogden Nash -% -I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute --- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic) -how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom -to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or -political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely -because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or -the people who might elect him. - -- John F. Kennedy -% -I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. - -- G. K. Chesterton -% -I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime. - -- Woody Allen -% -I believe that professional wrestling is clean -and everything else in the world is fixed. - -- Frank Deford, sports writer -% -I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac -thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the -total discrediting of the world of reality. - -- Salvador Dali -% -I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. - -- Will Rogers -% -I bet the human brain is a kludge. - -- Marvin Minsky -% -I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on -the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel. - -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) -% -I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always -end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get -embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and -they'd get mad and eat the snowman. - -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) -% -I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub. - -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during - a visit to a London veterans hospital -% -I brake for chezlogs! -% -I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see -Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the -box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon -relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a -psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be -more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable -sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to -be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe -as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd -thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover -the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning, -your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on -your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the -apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns -down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III. - -- Townsend Davis -% -I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. - -- Biff Barf -% -I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference. -They're still living in the fifties. - -- Strange de Jim -% -I came, I saw, I deleted all your files. -% -I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew. -All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself. - -- The Firesign Theatre -% -I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother. -% -I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan -prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very -bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after -relentless day. - -- Betty MacDonald -% -I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't. - -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body" -% -I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half. - -- Jay Gould -% -I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, -and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs. - -- Larry Lee -% -I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself. -% -I can relate to that. -% -I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and -25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be -true. - -- Harry S. Truman -% -I can resist anything but temptation. -% -I can see him a'comin' -With his big boots on, -With his big thumb out, -He wants to get me. -He wants to hurt me. -He wants to bring me down. -But some time later, -When I feel a little straighter, -I'll come across a stranger -Who'll remind me of the danger, -And then.... I'll run him over. -Pretty smart on my part! -To find my way... In the dark! - -- Phil Ochs -% -I can write better than anybody who can write faster, -and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. - -- A. J. Liebling -% -I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. - -- Lillian Hellman -% -I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos. - -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics -% -I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate -of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ... - -- F. H. Wales (1936) -% -I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats; -If it be man's work I will do it. -% -I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. - -What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good -grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause -of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the -United States would have lost World War II." - -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar" -% -I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. - -- Steven Pearl -% -I CAN'T come back, I don't know how it works. - -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz" -% -I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. - -- Joe Walsh -% -I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling. - -- Florence Henderson -% -I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver. - -- Phil Harris -% -I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side -If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will -I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With - Your Socks Outside-in -I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love -Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride -I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well -I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better -I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time - -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay" -% -I can't mate in captivity. - -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married -% -I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along." -It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle. - -- Robert Benchley -% -I can't stand squealers; hit that guy. - -- Albert Anastasia -% -I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the -forms. You've got to kill the people producing them. - -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine - Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist - Party Conference -% -I can't understand it. -I can't even understand the people who can understand it. - -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands -% -I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a -novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. - -- Fred Allen -% -I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. -I'm frightened of the old ones. - -- John Cage -% -I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his -keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating -up a child. - -- Steven Wright -% -I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time -a woman got pregnant, someone left town. - -- Michael Prichard -% -I consider a new device or technology to have been -culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder. - -- M. Gallaher -% -I consider the day misspent that I am not -either charged with a crime, or arrested for one. - -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon -% -I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather -dance with the cows till you come home. - -- Groucho Marx -% -I could never learn to like her -- -except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight. - -- Mark Twain -% -I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less. -% -I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the -time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand. - -- Peter Oakley -% -I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise. -% -I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why -I should have to believe in it in this one. - -- Strange de Jim -% -I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything! - -- Bart Simpson -% -I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired. -But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired. - -- Rita Gain -% -I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British. -% -I didn't know it was impossible when I did it. -% -I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. -The curtain was up. -% -I disagree with what you say, but will defend -to the death your right to tell such LIES! -% -I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk -and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously, -unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell -you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk. - -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" -% -I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink -too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does. - -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" -% -I do desire we may be better strangers. - -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" -% -I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one. -% -I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an -exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to -minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary -accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a -mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the -bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always -different. - -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.) -% -I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman -Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, -nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church. - -- Thomas Paine -% -I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter -quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks -the National League for five years. This is the United States of America -and one citizen has as much right to play as another. - -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a - threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if - Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The - Cardinals backed down and played. -% -I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. - -- Isaac Asimov -% -I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with -sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. - -- Galileo Galilei -% -I do not know myself and God forbid that I should. - -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -% -I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern, -any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology -comes nearest to it of any. - -- Henry David Thoreau -% -I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a -butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. - -- Chuang Tzu -% -I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which, -starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance, -reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to -devote it to research in mathematics. - -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183 -% -I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them. -I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become -tiresome. - -- I Ching -% -I do not take drugs -- I am drugs. - -- Salvador Dali -% -I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians -don't believe in astrology. - -- James R. F. Quirk -% -I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just -a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more -numbers!! -% -I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of -a frog jumping on my Breakfast. - -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82 -% -I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to -run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better -husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% -I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn! - -- Heard in Bethlehem -% -I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed. - -- Calvin Trillin -% -I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the -nominating. - -- Boss Tweed -% -I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't -deserve that either. - -- Jack Benny -% -I don't do it for the money. - -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal -% -I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good. - -- K. Coates -% -I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking. - -- Katherine Cebrian -% -I don't get no respect. -% -I don't have an eating problem. I eat. -I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem. -% -I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. - -- Ashleigh Brilliant -% -I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two -highly trained certified public accountants. - -- Elvis Presley -% -I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got -hundreds of people waiting to abuse me. - -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" -% -I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above -globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high." - -- Bruce Baum -% -I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. - -- Elvis Presley -% -I don't know what Descartes' got, -But booze can do what Kant cannot. - -- Mike Cross -% -I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much -more concerned to know what his grandson will be. - -- Abraham Lincoln -% -I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home. - -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, 1974 -% -I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate. -% -I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, -because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it. - -- Clarence Darrow -% -I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky. -I don't trust him. - -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference - with Dutch Schultz. - -I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a -trigger like another guy wipes his nose. - -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with - "Legs" Diamond. -% -I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game. - -- Cash McCall -% -I don't mind arguing with myself. -It's when I lose that it bothers me. - -- Richard Powers -% -I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. - -- Ronald Mabbitt -% -I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the -streets and frighten the horses. - -- Victor Hugo -% -I don't need no arms around me... -I don't need no drugs to calm me... -I have seen the writing on the wall. -Don't think I need anything at all. -No! Don't think I need anything at all! -All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. -All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. - -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III -% -I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!? -% -I don't remember it, but I have it written down. -% -I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before -he starts to practice law. - -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother - Attorney-General. -% -I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets -fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. - -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) -% -"I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes. Just then, he vanished. -% -I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican -Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters. - -- Richard M. Nixon, 1972 -% -"I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down -to the sea and drown yourselves." - -"How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why -you human beings don't." - -- James Thurber -% -I don't understand you anymore. -% -I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight, -But there will definitely be a party tonight... -% -I don't want a pickle, -I just wanna ride on my motorcycle. -And I don't want to die, -I just want to ride on my motorcycle. - -- Arlo Guthrie -% -I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations. - -- Jean Anouilh -% -I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. -I want to achieve immortality through not dying. - -- Woody Allen -% -I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that -the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is -thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists -broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake. -Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off -their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ... - -- Dave Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE - COMING!" -% -I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore. -% -I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment. - -- Woody Allen -% -I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive? -% -I dote on his very absence. - -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" -% -I doubt, therefore I might be. -% -I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business -on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment -he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual -becoming, with a goal in front and not behind. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -I drink to make other people interesting. - -- George Jean Nathan -% -I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it. -% -I enjoy the time that we spend together. -% -I exist, therefore I am paid. -% -I fear explanations explanatory of things explained. -% -I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head... -% -I fell asleep reading a dull book, -and I dreamt that I was reading on, -so I woke up from sheer boredom. -% -I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an -honest difference of opinion. - -- Isaac Asimov -% -I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts. -I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups. - -- Steven Wright -% -I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40. - -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd - just shot. -% -I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words. -% -I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble. - -- Augustus Caesar -% -I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very -reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment. - -- Gautama Buddha -% -I gave my love an Apple, that had no core; -I gave my love a building, that had no floor; -I wrote my love a program, that had no end; -I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'. - -How can there be an Apple, that has no core? -How can there be a building, that has no floor? -How can there be a program, that has no end? -How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'? - -An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core! -A building that's perfect, it has no flaw! -A program with GOTOs, it has no end! -I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'! -% -I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *_h_o_r_r_i_f_y_i_n_g* 20 -minutes of my life! -% -I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. - -- Mae West -% -I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise. - -- Chauncey Depew -% -I get up each morning, gather my wits. -Pick up the paper, read the obits. -If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. -So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. - -Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? -My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. -But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, -And think of the places my get-up has been. - -- Pete Seeger -% -I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who? - -- Beauregard Bugleboy -% -I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -I go the way that Providence dictates. - -- Adolf Hitler -% -I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now -when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and -farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go." - -- Steven Wright -% -I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were -wearing masks for. - -- James Boren -% -I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add. - -- Steven Wright -% -I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie -theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the -other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession -stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a -long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children -$2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to -a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95. - -- Steven Wright -% -I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals. - -- Butch Cassidy -% -I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up -and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. - -No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the -human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when -you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is -generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid -puppet. - -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) -% -I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit -was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse -being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities. - -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) -% -I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took -time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to -win -- or even how you won. - -- Cash McCall -% -I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of -other people... Certainty is just an emotion. - -- Hal Clement -% -I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him -Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat -one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear. - -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) -% -I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought. - -- D. Cavett -% -I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and -we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." - -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) -% -I had a dream last night... -I dreamt about 1976. -I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage... -I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant. -Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare... -so I went back to sleep again. - -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72" -% -I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond -depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might -see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing -through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly -why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after -dinner and I let it go. - -- Winston Churchill -% -I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind -in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami -Beach." - -- The Stunt Man -% -I had another dream the other day about government financial management -people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they -had stepped out of a painting by Goya. -% -I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small -and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a -painting by Goya. - -- Stravinsky -% -I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black -people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people -put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any -power to make things different is a bitch. - -- Miles Davis -% -I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, -so I took his shoes. - -- Dave Barry -% -I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and -implement a PL/1 compiler. - -- T. Cheatham -% -I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler -Moore show I heard the word "damn!" - -- Mary Lou Bax -% -I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense. -% -I hate babies. They're so human. - -- H. H. Munro -% -I hate dying. - -- Dave Johnson -% -I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means -it's going to be up all night. - -- Steven Wright -% -I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, -and I know how bad I am. - -- Samuel Johnson -% -I hate quotations. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park -there's nothing else to do. - -- Lenny Bruce -% -I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a -ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon. - -- Willow -% -I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I -open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the -box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get -it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I -had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend -of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a -call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone -doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I -didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens. - -- Steven Wright -% -I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here, -Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me -and just keeps on typing. - -- Steven Wright -% -I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, -the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to -sit down together at the table of brotherhood. - -- Martin Luther King, Jr. -% -I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When -I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I... -I just... to make a long story short..." - -- Steven Wright -% -I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up. - -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters -% -I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. -I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen -some of it. - -- Steven Wright -% -I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me, -And what can be the use of him is more than I can see. -He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head; -And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed. - -The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow-- -Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow; -For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball, -And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all. - -- Robert Louis Stevenson -% -I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. -I spent last summer folding it. -People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6". - -- Steven Wright -% -I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died. - -- Richard Diran -% -I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once -in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I -got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!" - -- Steven Wright -% -I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell. -% -I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything, -but I can't prove it. -% -I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it -any time! -% -I have a very strange feeling about this... - -- Luke Skywalker -% -I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to -sacrifice my wife's brother. - -- Artemus Ward -% -I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes -to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form. - -- Winston Churchill, 1903 -% -I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it. - -- Steven Wright -% -I have become me without my consent. -% -I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which -would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark." - -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" -% -I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per -cent an idiot. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable -to sit still in a room. - -- Blaise Pascal -% -I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. -I tell them the truth and they never believe me. - -- Camillo Di Cavour -% -I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and -to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and -support of the woman I love. - -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, announcing his abdication - of the British throne in order to marry the American - divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson. (1936) -% -I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience -most of them are trash. - -- Sigmund Freud -% -I have gained this by philosophy: -that I do without being commanded what others -do only from fear of the law. - -- Aristotle -% -I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. - -- Edgar Allan Poe -% -I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent -of a prostate operation. - -- Malcolm Muggeridge -% -I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning. - -- Plato -% -I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row. -I do believe that is a record. - -- Dylan Thomas, his last words -% -I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You -sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an -eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I -have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of -beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a -guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more -of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry. - -- Harry S. Truman -% -I have learned silence from the talkative, -toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind. - -- Kahlil Gibran -% -I have learned -To spell hors d'oeuvres -Which still grates on -Some people's n'oeuvres. - -- Warren Knox -% -I have lots of things in my pockets; -None of them is worth anything. -Sociopolitical whines aside, -Gan you give me, gratis, free, -The price of half a gallon -Of Gallo extra bad -And most of the bus fare home. -% -I have made mistakes but I have never made the -mistake of claiming that I have never made one. - -- James Gordon Bennett -% -I have made this letter longer than usual -because I lack the time to make it shorter. - -- Blaise Pascal -% -I have more hit points that you can possible imagine. -% -I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole -_B_O_D_Y! - -- from "Cerebus" #82 -% -I have never been one to sacrifice -my appetite on the altar of appearance. - -- A. M. Readyhough -% -I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. - -- Mark Twain -% -I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck. - -- Rob Pike, on X - -Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be -gone in two years. He was half right. - -- Dennis M. Ritchie - -Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong. - -- Jim Gettys -% -I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts -already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic -establishment. - -- Alan Bennett -% -I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race, -in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals. - -- Thoreau -% -I have no doubt the Devil grins, -As seas of ink I spatter. -Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins-- -The other kind don't matter. - -- Robert W. Service -% -I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his -own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks -of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin. - -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery -% -I have not yet begun to byte! -% -I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land. - -- George Wallace -% -I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, -and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would -be blockhead enough to have me. - -- Abraham Lincoln -% -I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart. - -- Jimmy Carter -% -I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. - -- Publilius Syrus -% -I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these -Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal -advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages -for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and -after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government -of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only -commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgment of my labors, nor even -the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the -reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations... - If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were -a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the -execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some -justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I -venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will -ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if -made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to -declare the construction of such machinery impracticable... - And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed -by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its -advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I -think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abstruse -calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country. -In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not -be economized by the aid of machinery. - -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher" -% -I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. - -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" -% -I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems. -% -I have that old biological urge, -I have that old irresistible surge, -I'm hungry. -% -I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -I have to convince you, or at least snow you ... - -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 -% -I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink. - -- Richard Burton -% -I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with -the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest -authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year. - -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall - publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior - editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new - science of data processing), c. 1957 -% -I have ways of making money that you know nothing of. - -- John D. Rockefeller -% -I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked -at in the right way, did not become still more complicated. - -- Poul Anderson -% -I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. -% -I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it. -% -I hear the sound that the machines make, -and feel my heart break, just for a moment. -% -I hear what you're saying but I just don't care. -% -I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very -interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell -more than he knows. - -- Dwight D. Eisenhower -% -I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing... - -- Thomas Jefferson -% -I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips, -I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips, -My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here, -But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir. - -The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why, -For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie, -I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine, -So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine. - - -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine" -% -I hope you're not pretending to be evil while -secretly being good. That would be dishonest. -% -I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do? - -- Raoul Duke -% -I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke. -I think I saw God. - -- B. Hathrume Duk -% -I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels]. -He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial -and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I -ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed. - -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times" -% -I just got out of the hospital after a -speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark. - -- Steven Wright -% -I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field. - -- Casey Stengel -% -I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. - -- Bill Hoest -% -I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. -I haven't had time for tobacco since. - -- Arturo Toscanini -% -I knew her before she was a virgin. - -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day -% -I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off... -If I could just remember what it was. -% -I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better -take one along that worked. - -- Raymond Chandler -% -I know if you been talkin' you done said -just how surprised you wuz by the living dead. -You wuz surprised that they could understand you words -and never respond once to all the truth they heard. -But don't you get square! -There ain't no rule that says they got to care. -They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind. -% -I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once. -% -I know not how I came into this, -shall I call it a dying life or a living death? - -- St. Augustine -% -I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but -World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. - -- Albert Einstein -% -I know on which side my bread is buttered. - -- John Heywood -% -I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! -The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building. - -- Charles Schulz -% -I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when -you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination. - -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) -% -I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all -custody means. Get even with your old lady. - -- Lenny Bruce -% -I know what you're thinking -- "Did he fire six shots or only five?" -Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track -myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the -world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself -one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do you, punk? - -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211 -% -I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says, -but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what -it means. -% -I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said, -but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant. -% -I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere. -% -I lately lost a preposition; -It hid, I thought, beneath my chair -And angrily I cried, "Perdition! -Up from out of under there." - -Correctness is my vade mecum, -And straggling phrases I abhor, -And yet I wondered, "What should he come -Up from out of under for?" - -- Morris Bishop -% -I lay my head on the railroad tracks, -Waitin' for the double E. -The railroad don't run no more. -Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus] - Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me. - These young girls won't let me be, - Lord have mercy on me! - Woe is me! - -Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood, -Well, I ain't naming names. -But she really worked me over good, -She was just like Jesse James. -She really worked me over good, -She was a credit to her gender. -She put me through some changes, boy, -Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus] - -I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar, -She asked me if I'd beat her. -She took me back to the Hyatt House, -I don't want to talk about it. [chorus] - -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me" -% -I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they -didn't is just lyin'! - -- Willie Nelson -% -I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. - -- Art Leo -% -I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull -that kidnaped Europa. - -- Marcus Tullius Cicero -% -I like paying taxes. With them I buy civilization. - -- Oliver Wendell Holmes -% -I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to -promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want -peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of -the way and let them have it. - -- Dwight D. Eisenhower -% -I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours. -% -I like young girls. Their stories are shorter. - -- Tom McGuane -% -I like your game but we have to change the rules. -% -I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes. -% -I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts -to bite people themselves. - -- August Strindberg -% -I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. -I may not get there, but I'm going first class. - -- Art Buchwald -% -I love being married. It's so great to find that one special -person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. - -- Rita Rudner -% -I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then -someone takes them away. - -- Nancy Mitford -% -I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog. -It's a rat with a thyroid problem. -% -I love mankind ... It's people I hate. - -- Schulz -% -I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known. - -- Walt Disney -% -I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what -entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils. - -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson -% -I love the smell of napalm in the morning. - -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now" -% -I love to eat them Smurfies -Smurfies what I love to eat -Bite they ugly heads off, -Nibble on they bluish feet. -% -I love treason but hate a traitor. - -- Gaius Julius Caesar -% -I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last. - -- Elvis Costello -% -I love you, not only for what you are, -but for what I am when I am with you. - -- Roy Croft -% -I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might -commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it -irresistible. - -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer" -% -I married beneath me. All women do. - -- Lady Nancy Astor -% -I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but -don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the -speed of light. - -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk -% -I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up! -% -I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously. - -- Doctor Graper -% -I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. - -- Ashleigh Brilliant -% -I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything. - -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo" -% -I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at -clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators. - -- Steven Wright -% -I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a -congressman. - -- Will Rogers -% -I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's; -I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create. - -- William Blake, "Jerusalem" -% -I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini. - -- Alexander Woollcott -% -I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a -week sometimes to make it up. - -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" -% -I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts! -% -I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres -and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit --- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if -we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand -feet for the base. - -And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson -sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770 -m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to -roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the -sun. Very little air will leak over the edges. - -Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface -area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the -crowding. - -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld" -% -I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head. - -- Fratianno -% -I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the -legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that -way. - -- Jay Gould -% -I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted -something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something. - -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil -% -I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget. - -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the - Royal Family -% -I never did it that way before. -% -I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the -places they do today. - -- Will Rogers -% -I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they -could do was to go away. -% -I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. - -- Groucho Marx -% -I never killed a man that didn't deserve it. - -- Mickey Cohen -% -I never loved another person the way I loved myself. - -- Mae West -% -I never made a mistake in my life. -I thought I did once, but I was wrong. - -- Lucy Van Pelt -% -I never met a man I didn't want to fight. - -- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman -% -I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like. -% -I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook. -% -I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; -what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats. -% -I never saw a purple cow -I never hope to see one -But I can tell you anyhow -I'd rather see than be one. - -- Gellett Burgess - -I've never seen a purple cow -I never hope to see one -But from the milk we're getting now -There certainly must be one - -- Ogden Nash - -Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow" -I'm sorry now I wrote it -But I can tell you anyhow -I'll kill you if you quote it. - -- Gellett Burgess, many years later -% -I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way. -% -I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. - -- W. C. Fields -% -I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -I only know what I read in the papers. - -- Will Rogers -% -I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis! - -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus) -% -I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a -letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished -words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can -resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But -then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices -that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or -a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. - -- Letters From Colette -% -I owe, I owe, -It's off to work I go... -% -I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a -toilet seat. - -- Michael McShane -% -I owe the public nothing. - -- J. P. Morgan -% -I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as -the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must -not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we -must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts, -in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from -wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they -will be happy. - -- Thomas Jefferson -% -I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the -kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled -substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no -restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we -made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given -powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative -nerve disease. - -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" -% -I pledge allegiance to the flag -of the United States of America -and to the republic for which it stands, -one nation, -indivisible, -with liberty -and justice for all. - -- Francis Bellamy, 1892 -% -I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. - -- Steven Wright -% -I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow! -% -I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. - -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger -% -I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war. - -- Cicero - -Even peace may be purchased at too high a price. - -- Poor Richard -% -I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. - -- William F. Buckley -% -I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats -on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. - -- Steven Wright -% -I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of -tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If -they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go -crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible. -These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even -aspire to crudeness. - -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic" -% -I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth. - -- Neil Armstrong -% -I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because -parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the -motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality? - Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town." - "What's it about?" - "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals." - "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!" - -- Ian Shoales -% -I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic. -To see the sights I'm never going to visit. -% -I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction. - -- Aneurin Bevan -% -I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that -the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional -congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile -so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the -plumber. - -But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such -as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of -the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never -win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually -write about, such as nose-picking. - -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against - Political Fallout" -% -I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines. - -- Marilyn Chambers -% -I really hate this damned machine -I wish that they would sell it. -It never does quite what I want -But only what I tell it. -% -I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens -who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known -something of what has been passing in their time. - -- Thomas Jefferson -% -I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the -reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if -I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out. - -- Stephen King -% -I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on -believing that some men are my equals. - -- Brigid Brophy -% -I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. -% -I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the -morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for -the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to -invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed -the opening theme music of `Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I -asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said, -"You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint -that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed. - -- Alistair Cooke -% -I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office -to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar, -and didn't come back for 20 years. -% -I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some -kind of loophole. - -- Leo Kessler -% -I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it -looks like I'm the only one moving. - -- Steven Wright -% -I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education. - -- Wilson Mizner -% -I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every -woman should marry -- and no man. - -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair" -% -I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New -England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be -raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in -New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for -countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere -if they don't get it. - -- Mark Twain -% -I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink... -and then natural selection reared its ugly head. -% -I saw a man pursuing the Horizon, -'Round and round they sped. -I was disturbed at this, -I accosted the man, -"It is futile," I said. -"You can never--" -"You lie!" He cried, -and ran on. - -- Stephen Crane -% -I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. - -- Steven Wright -% -I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid -never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that -deserve a series?" -% -I saw what you did and I know who you are. -% -I see a bad moon rising. -I see trouble on the way. -I see earthquakes and lightnin' -I see bad times today. -Don't go 'round tonight, -It's bound to take your life. -There's a bad moon on the rise. - -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising" -% -I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope -they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em. - -- Will Rogers -% -I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, -I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. -Bernoulli would have been content to die -Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)! - -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" -% -I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to -the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about -us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% -I sent a letter to the fish, I said it very loud and clear, -I told them, "This is what I wish." I went and shouted in his ear. -The little fishes of the sea, But he was very stiff and proud, -They sent an answer back to me. He said "You needn't shout so loud." -The little fishes' answer was And he was very proud and stiff, -"We cannot do it, sir, because..." He said "I'll go and wake them if..." -I sent a letter back to say I took a kettle from the shelf, -It would be better to obey. I went to wake them up myself. -But someone came to me and said But when I found the door was locked -"The little fishes are in bed." I pulled and pushed and kicked and - knocked, -I said to him, and I said it plain And when I found the door was shut, -"Then you must wake them up again." I tried to turn the handle, But... - - "Is that all?" asked Alice. - "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." - -- Lewis Carroll, - "Through the Looking-Glass, - and What Alice Found There" (1871) -% -I sent a message to another time, -But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe, -I sent a message to another plane, -Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive. -... -I met someone who looks at lot like you, -She does the things you do, but she is an IBM. -She's only programmed to be very nice, -But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near, -She tells me that she likes me very much, -But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear. -... -I realize that it must seem so strange, -That time has rearranged, but time has the final word, -She knows I think of you, she reads my mind, -She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world. - -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095" -% -I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger -- -a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine -in his veins. - -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee -% -I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether -it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether -he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right -that matters, but victory. - -- Adolf Hitler -% -I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck. - -- graffito in Los Angeles - -On a clear day, -U.C.L.A. - -- graffito in San Francisco - -There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our -lungs there'd be no place to put it all. - -- Robert Orben -% -I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than -most western countries. - -- George Burns -% -I smell a wumpus. -% -I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker -Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it. - -- Woody Allen -% -I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his -ability. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -I steal. - -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board - -Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas. - -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living -% -I stick my neck out for nobody. - -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca" (1942) -% -I stood on the leading edge, -The eastern seaboard at my feet. -"Jump!" said Yoko Ono -I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried. -Go on and give it a try, -Why prolong the agony, all men must die. - -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking" -% -I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to -see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - -- Shirley Temple -% -I suggest a new strategy, R2: let the Wookiee win. - -- C-3PO -% -I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do -too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which -direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After -much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot -tub to face is up. - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" -% -I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school, -Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool, -Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band, -That needs a helping hand, -Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face. - -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May" -% -I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the -country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which -I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving -are worth considering, to wit: - -[110.13]: - "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not - to interfere with oncoming traffic." - -[22.17b]: - "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best - recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball] - game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it - on the highway." - -[41.16]: - "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really - asking for it." -% -I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the -country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which -I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving -are worth considering, to wit: - -[131.16d]: - "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle - inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making - a U-turn on a divided highway." - -[96.7b]: - "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the - quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are - traveling more than 60 MPH." -% -I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the -country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which -I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving -are worth considering, to wit: - -[173.15b]: - "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember - that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way." - -[141.2a]: - "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6' - parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into - a 5' parking space." - -[105.31]: - "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly. - Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong." -% -I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad -thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself. -% -I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it -is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh. - -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain" -% -I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking -pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the -munchies, and ate the other half. - -Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the -bottle stuck up my nose. - -- Rodney Dangerfield -% -I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track -and they shot my horse with the opening gun. - -Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my -fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said, -"Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks." - -- Rodney Dangerfield -% -I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt -the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, -I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom. - -- Rodney Dangerfield -% -I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check. - -- M. C. Escher -% -I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward -or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark. - -- Woody Allen -% -I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee. - -- William Shakespeare -% -I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's -paranoid and the other half's out to get him. -% -I think it is true for all _n. I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3 -because I couldn't remember the proof. - -- Baker, Pure Math 351a -% -I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct. - -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) -% -I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. -% -I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so -desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly. - -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a. Saki, "Reginald on Worries" -% -I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick -and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this -country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people -in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly -not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. - -- Monty Python -% -I think that I shall never hear -A poem lovelier than beer. -The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap, -With golden base and snowy cap. -The stuff that I can drink all day -Until my mem'ry melts away. -Poems are made by fools, I fear -But only Schlitz can make a beer. -% -I think that I shall never see -A billboard lovely as a tree. -Indeed, unless the billboards fall -I'll never see a tree at all. - -- Ogden Nash -% -I think that I shall never see -A thing as lovely as a tree. -But as you see the trees have gone -They went this morning with the dawn. -A logging firm from out of town -Came and chopped the trees all down. -But I will trick those dirty skunks -And write a brand new poem called "Trunks." -% -I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple -to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the -farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light -into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from -the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing -off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the -color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on -out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars -singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors. - -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club -% -I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to -remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after. - -- Chick -% -I think the world is run by C students. - -- Al McGuire -% -I think the world would be a more peaceful place if people -could just keep their fingers out of the fortune files. - -- Jordan K. Hubbard -% -I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect." -I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone -say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer -effect." - -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) -% -I think, therefore I am... I think. -% -I think there's a world market for about five computers. - -- attr. Thomas J. Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM (1943) -% -I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for -paneling. - -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) -% -I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones. - -- T. S. Eliot -% -I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown -... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think -we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today. -When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we -are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was -driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa -Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin, -were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous -conversation ... - -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" -% -I think we're all Bozos on this bus. - -- The Firesign Theatre -% -I think we're in trouble. - -- Han Solo -% -I think your opinions are reasonable, -except for the one about my mental instability. - -- Psychology Professor, Fairfield University -% -"I thought that you said you were 20 years old!" -"As a programmer, yes," she replied, -"And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!" -"You said you were blonde, but you lied!" -Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too, -They had so much in common, you'd say. -They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks, -And prompts that were cute or risque'. -He sent her a picture of his brother Sam, -She sent one from some past high school day, -And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives, -If they hadn't met in L.A. -"Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust. -He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!" -And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest -If you were not so totally weird!" -If she had not said what he wanted to hear, -And he had not done just the same, -They'd have been far more honest, and never have met, -And would not have had fun with the game. - -- Judith Schrier, - "Face to Face After Six Months of Electronic Mail" -% -I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces, -working for scale. - -- The Firesign Theatre, - "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger" -% -I thought YOU silenced the guard! -% -I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a -pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises! - -- Winston Churchill -% -I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle -of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes. -It's about Russia. - -- Woody Allen -% -I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce -desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of -the quest. - -- Madeleine Gobeil -% -I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything -constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast -and drown myself in the noise. - -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer" -% -I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty. - -- J. P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari -% -I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity. - -- Bill Veeck -% -I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out. - -- Judge Harold T. Stone -% -I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. -The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80 -degrees today," and I said "Oops." - -In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so -I never have to go upstairs. - -I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in -front of it in only eight minutes. - -- Steven Wright -% -I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much. - -- Carole Wallach -% -I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well. - -- Woodrow Wilson -% -I use technology in order to hate it more properly. - -- Nam June Paik -% -I used to be a rebel in my youth. -This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned. -Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own -problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by -a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device. -I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better -I feel these days. - -- J. Feiffer -% -I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure. -% -I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused. - -- Elvis Costello -% -I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. - -- Mae West -% -I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me, -I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see, -I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen, -With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down, -And I'm, uh, feelin' mean, - No more, Mr. Nice Guy, - No more, Mr. Clean, - No more, Mr. Nice Guy, -They say "He's sick, he's obscene". - -My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes, -Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide, -I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose, -The reverend Smithy, he recognized me, -And punched me in the nose, he said, -(chorus) -He said "You're sick, you're obscene". - -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" -% -I used to have a drinking problem. -Now I love the stuff. -% -I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had -to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway. - -I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks -like I'm the only one moving. - -I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know -the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going -to be out that long." - -I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now -my car goes 500 miles an hour. - -- Steven Wright -% -I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because -I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no -more mature than I am. -% -I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. -% -I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme -foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in -loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish. - -- Rita Mae Brown -% -I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in -my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. - -- Emo Phillips -% -I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near -the place. - -- Steven Wright -% -I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I -don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected -with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, -the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier -in the summer. - -- Brendan Behan -% -I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you. -% -I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law. - -- Martin Luther King, Jr. -% -I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St. -Elsewhere", won't scream, "FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR 'HEE -HAW'!!" - -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County" -% -I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad. - -- Freud -% -I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located? -% -I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued -endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of -pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of -bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an -excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically -critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud -the earth. - Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing" -% -I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I -ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. - -- Steven Wright -% -I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know -anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is -a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows -up. - -- Will Rogers -% -I was born in a barrel of butcher knives -Trouble I love and peace I despise -Wild horses kicked me in my side -Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died. - -- Bo Diddley -% -I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I -put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured -what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I -should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to -get off my driveway. - -- Steven Wright -% -I was eatin' some chop suey, -With a lady in St. Louie, -When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door. -And that knocker, he says, "Honey, -Roll this rocker out some money, -Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor." - -- Mr. Miggle -% -I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. -I said I didn't know. - -- Mark Twain -% -I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live -around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks." -I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." -She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a -chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so -you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like -that all the time." - -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly" -% -I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in -the mouth by Miss Congeniality. - -- Phyllis Diller -% -I was in accord with the system so long as it -permitted me to function effectively. - -- Albert Speer -% -I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all -these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these -kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and -I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been -avoiding the beach. - -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach" -% -I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a -lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number. - -- Steven Wright -% -I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is -anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or -breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnaping somebody. He really -gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He -works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot. -Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work -for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me -two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I -was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But -I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum." - -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One" -% -I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending -their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to -buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike. - -- Emile Henry Gauvreay -% -I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a -full house and four people died. - -- Steven Wright -% -I was the best I ever had. - -- Woody Allen -% -I was toilet-trained at gunpoint. - -- Billy Braver -% -I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a -desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall -because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards -me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I -took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again. -% -I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. - -- Chico Marx -% -I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it -in the room alone. -% -I went home with a waitress, -The way I always do. -How I was I to know? -She was with the Russians too. - -I was gambling in Havana, -I took a little risk. -Send lawyers, guns, and money, -Dad, get me out of this. - -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money" -% -I went into a general store ... they wouldn't sell me anything specific. - -- Steven Wright -% -I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. -If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. -It's the truth. - -- Charlie Chaplin -% -I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to -expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for -stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming -the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted -to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the -answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer -showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found -an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the -program to the point where it would not run at all. - -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: - Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars" -% -I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle. -I said "Hi, what's happenin'?" -He said "Nothin'." -Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm; -As if you just squashed a cop. - -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song" -% -I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. -Great song. - -- Fred Reuss -% -I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any -questions, I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the -speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? - -He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work -for him then. - -- Steven Wright -% -I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20 -years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors -would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they -all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!" - -Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had -been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors. - -There was a computer in every doorknob. - -- Danny Hillis -% -I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life. -I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career -of a robber. - -- Tiburcio Vasquez -% -I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in -the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't -included. - -- Steven Wright -% -I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the -statues that are in all the other museums. - -- Steven Wright -% -I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that -it took seven others to beat him! -% -I will always love the false image I had of you. -% -I will follow the good side right to the fire, -but not into it if I can help it. - -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne -% -I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the -year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The -Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out -the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the -writing on this stone! - -- Charles Dickens -% -I will make you shorter by the head. - -- Elizabeth I -% -I will never lie to you. -% -I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own. -% -I will not drink! -But if I do... -I will not get drunk! -But if I do... -I will not in public! -But if I do... -I will not fall down! -But if I do... -I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge. -% -I will not forget you. -% -I will not play at tug o' war. -I'd rather play at hug o' war, -Where everyone hugs -Instead of tugs, -Where everyone giggles -And rolls on the rug, -Where everyone kisses, -And everyone grins, -And everyone cuddles, -And everyone wins. - -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War" -% -I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new -one every day. - -- Heine -% -I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, -we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. - -- Jack Handey -% -I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula -and Superman away. - -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) -% -I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the -intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't -seem to work. - -- Gallagher -% -I wish you humans would leave me alone. -% -I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks. -% -I woke up a feelin' mean -went down to play the slot machine -the wheels turned round, -and the letters read -"Better head back to Tennessee Jed" - -- Grateful Dead -% -I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment -had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate, -"Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and -replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?" - -- Steven Wright -% -"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I -know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must -be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people -I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles." - -- Bastian B. Bux -% -I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement? - -- Tramp, "Lady and the Tramp" -% -I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, -"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" - -- Steven Wright -% -I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one, -but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already -because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even -after we've been home a long while. - -- Casey Stengel -% -I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women, -only they won't let me raise my voice. - -- Winkle -% -I would have made a good pope. - -- Richard M. Nixon -% -I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have -gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the -missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme. - -- Oliver North -% -I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block -of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the -image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we -forget or do not know. - -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191 - - [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when - referring to image activation and termination.] -% -I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in -understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, -our tasks will be solved. - -- Warren G. Harding -% -I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word "fair" in connection -with income tax policies. - -- William F. Buckley -% -I would like to know -What I was fencing in -And what I was fencing out. - -- Robert Frost -% -I would much rather have men ask why -I have no statue, than why I have one. - -- Marcus Porcius Cato -% -I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when -they're being taped. - -- Richard M. Nixon - -I love America. You always hurt the one you love. - -- David Frye impersonating Nixon -% -I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house -and be above ground than reign among the dead. - -- Achilles, "The Odyssey", XI, 489-91 -% -I would rather say that a desire to drive fast -sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals. -% -I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!! -% -I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole. -% -I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity -for everyone, but they've always worked for me. - -- Hunter S. Thompson -% -I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear -them scream. - -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak", - escaped prison 1937, not heard from since -% -I -am -not -very -happy -acting -pleased -whenever -prominent -scientists -overmagnify -intellectual -enlightenment -% -IBM: - [International Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty - Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer - marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware - and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy - of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM - employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General. -% -IBM: - I've Been Moved - Idiots Become Managers - Idiots Buy More - Impossible to Buy Machine - Incredibly Big Machine - Industry's Biggest Mistake - International Brotherhood of Mercenaries - It Boggles the Mind - It's Better Manually - Itty-Bitty Machines -% -IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks, -who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes... - -- with regrets to Douglas Adams -% -IBM had a PL/I, -Its syntax worse than JOSS; -And everywhere this language went, -It was a total loss. -% -IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use. -% -IBM Pollyanna Principle: - Machines should work. People should think. -% -IBM's original motto: - Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum. -% -I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly. - -- John Denver - -[I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.] -% -I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. -% -I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. - -- Groucho Marx -% -I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee. - -- Princess Leia Organa -% -I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack, -above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even -feel it. - -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) -% -I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now. -% -I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the -whole field to private industry. - -- Joseph Heller -% -I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got -to undo it. -% -I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I -snore. -% -I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in -"Y". -% -I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving. -% -I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never -came back. -% -I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay -tuned. -% -I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair. - -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton" -% -I'd never cry if I did find - A blue whale in my soup... -Nor would I mind a porcupine - Inside a chicken coop. -Yes life is fine when things combine, - Like ham in beef chow mein... -But lord, this time I think I mind, - They've put acid in my rain. - -- Milo Bloom -% -I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member. - -- Groucho Marx -% -I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough. -Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had. - -- Brenda Starr -% -I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven. -% -I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. -% -I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy. - -- Fred Allen - -[Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.] -% -I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42. - -- W. C. Fields -% -I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around. -% -I'd rather laugh with the sinners, -Than cry with the saints, -The sinners are much more fun! - -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young" -% -I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner. -% -Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like -solitary confinement. -% -Identify your visitor. -% -Idiot Box, n.: - The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the - stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Idiot, n.: - A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human - affairs has always been dominant and controlling. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -IDLENESS: - Leisure gone to seed. -% -Idleness is the holiday of fools. -% -If 10 years from now, when you are doing something quick -and dirty, you suddenly visualize that I am looking over your -shoulders and say to yourself, "Dijkstra would not have liked this", -well that would be enough immortality for me. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra -% -If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. - -- Roy Santoro -% -If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape -at about 30 miles/second. - -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming -% -If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far. - -- Paul White -% -If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast -is a camel's behind. - -- Edgar R. Fiedler -% -If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars? -% -If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z. _X is work. _Y -is play. _Z is keep your mouth shut. - -- Albert Einstein -% -If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise. - -- William Blake -% -If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, -there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. - -- T. Cheatham -% -If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he -really a guru at all? - -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals" -% -If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it -is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty. - -- Joseph C. Goulden -% -IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him -is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing -to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." - -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) -% -If a listener nods his head when you're -explaining your program, wake him up. -% -If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed. - -- Thomas Wolfe -% -If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart. -If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain. -% -If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, -he will lose his reverence for all of life. - -- Albert Schweitzer -% -If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the -separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, -it might well prolong his life. - -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877 -% -If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, -... it expects what never was and never will be. - -- Thomas Jefferson -% -If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; -and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it -will lose that, too. - -- W. Somerset Maugham -% -If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better, -and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can -convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health. - -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble" -% -If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country. -% -If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. -The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position -in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of -gravity supersedes the law of golf. - -- Donald A. Metz -% -If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce -love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide? - -- Saint Augustine -% -If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response -is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the -only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did." -% -If a system is administered wisely, -its users will be content. -They enjoy hacking their code -and don't waste time implementing -labor-saving shell scripts. -Since they dearly love their accounts, -they aren't interested in other machines. -There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp, -but these don't access any hosts. -There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware, -but nobody ever uses them. -People enjoy reading their mail, -take pleasure in being with their newsgroups, -spend weekends working at their terminals, -delight in the doings at the site. -And even though the next system is so close -that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps, -they are content to die of old age -without ever having gone to see it. -% -If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude. -If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the -game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of -course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make -goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry? - -- Sparky Anderson -% -If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly. - -- G. K. Chesterton -% -If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for. - -- W. C. Fields -% -If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation? -% -If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever -to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude -that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine. - -- Rob Stampfli -% -If all be true that I do think, -There be five reasons why one should drink; -Good friends, good wine, or being dry, -Or lest we should be by-and-by, -Or any other reason why. -% -If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. - -- John Kenneth Galbraith -% -If all else fails, lower your standards. -% -If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister? -% -If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot -platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave -that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska. -% -If all the seas were ink, -And all the reeds were pens, -And all the skies were parchment, -And all the men could write, -These would not suffice -To write down all the red tape -Of this Government. -% -If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. - -- Paul Beatty -% -If all the world's economists were laid end to end, -we wouldn't reach a conclusion. - -- William Baumol -% -If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner, -and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops, -not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on -camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television, even -responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs -collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never -have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little. - -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television - in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional". -% -If an S and an I and an O and a U -With an X at the end spell Su; -And an E and a Y and an E spell I, -Pray what is a speller to do? -Then, if also an S and an I and a G -And an HED spell side, -There's nothing much left for a speller to do -But to go commit siouxeyesighed. - -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" -% -If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last -car he ever lays down in front of. - -- George Wallace -% -If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, -let him become president of Harvard. - -- Edward Holyoke -% -If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible. -We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs, -blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his -tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky". -% -If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment. -% -If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. -% -If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success. -% -If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. -% -If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. -% -If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. - -- W. E. Hickson -% -If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. -Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. - -- W. C. Fields - -[Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.] -% -If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer. -% -If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average. - -- Leonard Levinson -% -If at first you fricassee, fry, fry again. -% -If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is -identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a -collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then -I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as -plentiful as blackberries. - -- Leslie Stephen -% -If bankers can count, how come they have -eight windows and only four tellers? -% -If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by -some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse. - -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837 -% -If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing -but illegal purposes. - -- J. Edgar Hoover -% -If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question. -% -If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour. - -- William Blake -% -If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James -Watt's office. - -- Wayne Shannon -% -If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line. -% -If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will -serve us right. - -- Alistair Cooke -% -If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television? -% -If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from? -% -If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, -there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses -is a fraud. - -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged" -% -If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can -do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without -no middleman. - -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody" -% -If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed -him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation. - -- G. C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth" -% -If everybody minded their own business, the world would go -around a deal faster. - -- The Duchess; Lewis Carroll, - "Through the Looking-Glass, - and What Alice Found There" (1871) -% -If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. -% -If everything on the road of life seems to -be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. -% -If everything seems to be going well, -you have obviously overlooked something. -% -If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing. - -- Bertrand Russell -% -If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up. -% -If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there -is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an -exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception -after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of -exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there -can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception. - -- Bill Boquist -% -If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him. - -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI" -% -If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three -to a can. -% -If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer. -% -If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports. -% -If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. -% -If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. -% -If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears. -% -If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads. -% -If God had meant for us to be in the Army, -we would have been born with green, baggy skin. -% -If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. -% -If God had not given us sticky tape, -it would have been necessary to invent it. -% -If God had really intended men to fly, -he'd make it easier to get to the airport. - -- George Winters -% -If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would -have made them cute and furry. - -- Dave Barry -% -If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had -only ten apostles. -% -If God had wanted you to go around nude, -He would have given you bigger hands. -% -If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid, -He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination. -% -If God is dead, who will save the Queen? -% -If God is One, what is bad? - -- Charles Manson -% -If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? -% -If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows. - -- Yiddish saying -% -If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? - -- Marvin Kitman -% -If God wanted us to have a President, -He would have sent us a candidate. - -- Jerry Dreshfield -% -If graphics hackers are so smart, -why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint? -% -If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry. - -- Chinese proverb -% -If he had only learnt a little less, how -infinitely better he might have taught much more! -% -If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days -and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to -think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate. - -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia" -% -If he should ever change his faith, -it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God. -% -If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell. - -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) -% -If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! - -- Samuel Goldwyn -% -If I could read your mind, love, -What a tale your thoughts could tell, -Just like a paperback novel, -The kind the drugstore sells, -When you reach the part where the heartaches come, -The hero would be me, -Heroes often fail, -You won't read that book again, because - the ending is just too hard to take. - -I walk away, like a movie star, -Who gets burned in a three way script, -Enter number two, -A movie queen to play the scene -Of bringing all the good things out in me, -But for now, love, let's be real -I never thought I could act this way, -And I've got to say that I just don't get it, -I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone -And I just can't get it back... - -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind" -% -If I could stick my pen in my heart, -I would spill it all over the stage. -Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya, -Would you think the boy was strange? -Ain't he strange? -... -If I could stick a knife in my heart, -Suicide right on the stage, -Would it be enough for your teenage lust, -Would it help to ease the pain? -Ease your brain? - -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll" -% -If I 'cp /bin/csh /dev/audio' shouldn't I hear the ocean? - -- Danno Coppock -% -If I don't drive around the park, -I'm pretty sure to make my mark. -If I'm in bed each night by ten, -I may get back my looks again. -If I abstain from fun and such, -I'll probably amount to much; -But I shall stay the way I am, -Because I do not give a damn. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture. -% -If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. -Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's -as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for -you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it. - -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. -% -If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers. -% -IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's -got to be a better way. - -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) -% -If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, -I'd sell the plantation and go home. - -- Eugene P. Gallagher -% -If I had any humility I would be perfect. - -- Ted Turner -% -If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from -a laboratory jar at Harvard. - -- Frank Sinatra - -AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS. - -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine -% -If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I -would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this -trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier. -I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd -travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones. -You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly -and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and, -if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to -have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many -years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere -without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute. -If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel -lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed -earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky -more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would -ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies. -% -If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. - -- Albert Einstein -% -If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. - -- Tallulah Bankhead -% -If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps. -% -If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the -shoulders of giants. - -- Isaac Newton - -In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with -the giants on whose shoulders we stand. - -- Gerald Holton - -If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on -my shoulders. - -- Hal Abelson - -Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders. - -- Gauss - -Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists -stand on each other's toes. - -- Richard Hamming - -It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If -this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and -software engineers dig each other's graves. - -- Unknown -% -If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it. - -- Bob Hope -% -If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks, -I would send a barrel or so to my other generals. - -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant -% -If I love you, what business is it of yours? - -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -% -If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I -just couldn't help myself. - -- Adolf Hitler -% -If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it? - -- Alan Parsons Project -% -If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think -I'm an engineer working on something. - -- S. R. McElroy -% -If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? -% -If I traveled to the end of the rainbow -As Dame Fortune did intend, -Murphy would be there to tell me -The pot's at the other end. - -- Bert Whitney -% -If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form. -% -If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could -work for with a great deal of enjoyment. - -- Douglas Jerrold -% -If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it -because I can't swim. - -- Bob Stanfield -% -If I'd known computer science was going to be like this, -I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star. - -- G. Hirst -% -If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? -% -If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top? - -- Jerry Muscha -% -If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the -answer can be obtained by simple inspection. -% -If in doubt, mumble. -% -If it ain't baroque, don't fix it. -% -If it ain't broke, don't fix it. -% -If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh. - -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls -% -If it happens once, it's a bug. -If it happens twice, it's a feature. -If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy. -% -If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly. -% -If it heals good, say it. -% -If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will -answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary. - -- Samuel Clemens -% -If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven. -% -If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work -it's physics. -% -If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement. - -- Ronald Reagan -% -If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples. -% -If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. -% -If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler. -% -If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable. - -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables" -% -If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost, -I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down -the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding- -forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp -of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw. - -- James Dickey -% -If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. -% -If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. -% -If it's worth doing, do it for money. -% -If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money. -% -If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money. -% -If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. -They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make -fun of it. - -- Thomas Carlyle -% -If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to -send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the -other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces -of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why -they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, -they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep -them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ... - -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie -% -If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, -had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better. - -- Karl Marx's Mother -% -If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. -% -If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. -% -If life is merely a joke, the question -still remains: for whose amusement? -% -If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else? -% -If little else, the brain is an educational toy. - -- Tom Robbins -% -If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women -you've got in the house. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? - -- Lily Tomlin -% -If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low - -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard -% -If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG. - -- Phil Lapsley -% -If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T. -% -If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform. - -- Mary Wilson Little -% -If mathematically you end up with the wrong -answer, try multiplying by the page number. -% -If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would -be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies. - -- Frances Rodman -% -If men are not afraid to die, -it is of no avail to threaten them with death. - -If men live in constant fear of dying, -And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, -Who will dare to break the law? - -There is always an official executioner. -If you try to take his place, -It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood. -If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter, - you will only hurt your hand. - -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74" -% -If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. -% -If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would -be a merrier world. - -- J. R. R. Tolkien -% -If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little -of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, -and from that to incivility and procrastination. - -- Thomas De Quincey (1785-1859) -% -If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and -over again, there is no use in reading it at all. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection -of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching -in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not -far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the -various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor, -it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any -connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would -get an unfair advantage. - -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908 -% -If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants. - -- Albert Einstein -% -If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out. - -- Oscar Wilde, - "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young" -% -If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat? - -- Woody Allen -% -If only God would give me some clear sign! -Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. - -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" -% -If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. -% -If only you had a personality instead of an attitude. -% -If only you knew she loved you, you could -face the uncertainty of whether you love her. -% -If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough. -% -If parents would only realize how they bore their children. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, -he should see how bad it is with representation. -% -If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, -then we are a sorry lot indeed. - -- Albert Einstein -% -If people concentrated on the really important things in life, -there'd be a shortage of fishing poles. - -- Doug Larson -% -If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off. - -- Edward E. Hippensteel - -[What brand of ink? Ed.] -% -If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they -will take sandwiches. - -- Lord Boyd-orr - -Eats first, morals after. - -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera" -% -If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated, -I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs. - -- Hermann Goering -% -If people see that you mean them no harm, -they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten! -% -If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? -% -If preceded by a '-', the timezone shall be east of the Prime -Meridian; otherwise, it shall be west (which may be indicated by -an optional preceding '+'). - -- POSIX 2001 - -The "+" or "-" indicates whether the time-of-day is ahead of -(i.e., east of) or behind (i.e., west of) Universal Time. - -- RFC 2822 -% -If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters. - -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn" -% -If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress? -% -If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst. -% -If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit? -% -If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers. - -- Tom Wicker -% -If researchers wrote nursery rhymes... - -Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region, -Eating components of soured milk. -On at least one occasion, - along came an arachnid and sat down beside her, -Or at least in her vicinity, -And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear, -Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly. - -- Ann Melugin Williams -% -If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with -pool cues, who would win? - 1) Ricky Schroder - 2) Gary Coleman - 3) The television viewing public - -- David Letterman -% -If sarcasm were posted on Usenet, would anybody notice? - -- James Nicoll -% -If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of -arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical -world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by -the use of the mathematics of probability. - -- Vannevar Bush -% -If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many -books on how to? - -- Bette Midler -% -If she had not been cupric in her ions, -Her shape ovoidal, -Their romance might have flourished. -But he built tetrahedral in his shape, -His ions ferric, -Love could not help but die, -Uncatalyzed, inert, and undernourished. -% -If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom. - -- Robert Frost -% -If some people didn't tell you, -you'd never know they'd been away on vacation. -% -If someone had told me I would be Pope -one day, I would have studied harder. - -- Pope John Paul I -% -If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't. -% -If something has not yet gone wrong then it would -ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong. -% -If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the -way they do? -% -If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem. - -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234 -% -If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would -presumably flunk it. - -- Stanley Garn -% -If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a -Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, -and explode once a year killing everyone inside. - -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld -% -If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, -this would be a better world. - -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" -% -If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. - -- Norm Schryer -% -If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get -the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in -college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural -method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall -learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should -be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the -young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits. -I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not -by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise -instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the -attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools, -not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to -put on a professor. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five -steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same -principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful -feature, that. - -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990 -% -If the ends don't justify the means, then what does? - -- Robert Moses -% -If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical -would have something to do with a shortage of flowers. - -- Doug Larson - -[Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.] -% -If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. - -- Albert Einstein -% -If the future isn't what it used to be, does that -mean that the past is subject to change in times to come? -% -If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough. -Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life. -% -If the government doesn't trust the people, why -doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people? -% -If the grass is greener on other side of fence, -consider what may be fertilizing it. -% -If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, -we would be so simple we couldn't. -% -If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for -me! - -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) -% -If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation, -I would have recommended something simpler. - -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile, - Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy. -% -If the master dies and the disciple grieves, -the lives of both have been wasted. -% -If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched, -then this sentence would not be false. -% -If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be -goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible. - -- Frank Zappa -% -If the odds are a million to one against something -occurring, chances are 50-50 it will. -% -If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads. - -- Anatole France -% -If the rich could pay the poor to die for them, -what a living the poor could make! -% -If the shoe fits, it's ugly. -% -If the standard says that [things] depend on the phase of the moon, -the programmer should be prepared to look out the window as necessary. - -- Chris Torek -% -If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will. -% -If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job. -Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count -on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening, -paper folding, or something. - -- C. Philip Wood -% -If the very old will remember, the very young will listen. - -- Chief Dan George -% -If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. -If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. -If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, -church attendance will exceed all expectations. - -- Reverend Chichester -% -If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. -% -If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that -will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. -% -If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing -of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur -of this life. - -- Albert Camus -% -If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it. - -- Edward A. Murphy, Jr. -% -If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you -can't afford divorce. - -- Jack Nicholson -% -If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? - -- Art Hoppe -% -If there is no wind, row. - -- Polish proverb -% -If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would -have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule. - -- Saul Goodman -% -If there was any justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word. -% -If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three -years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law -school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers. - -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method -% -If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make -something out of you. - -- Muhammad Ali -% -If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all? -% -If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, -go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These -days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire -to crudeness... - -- Johnny Mnemonic -% -If they were so inclined, they could impeach -him because they don't like his necktie. - -- Attorney General William Saxbe -% -If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you. -% -If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. -% -If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. -It's not time yet. -% -If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? -% -If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was -yesterday? -% -If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? - -- Lily Tomlin -% -If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is -doing the thinking. - -- Lyndon B. Johnson - -Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his -helmet off. - -- Lyndon B. Johnson - -I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign -itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon. - -- Lyndon B. Johnson -% -If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it. - -- Ernest Hemingway -% -If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely. -% -If voting could change the system, it would be illegal. -If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal. -% -If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system. -% -If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world. - -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting" -% -If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would -all be millionaires. - -- Abigail Van Buren -% -If we do not change our direction we are -likely to end up where we are headed. -% -If we don't survive, we don't do anything else. - -- John Sinclair -% -If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time -of it. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our -findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive. - -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on - criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex - crimes. -% -If we see the light at the end of the tunnel -It's the light of an oncoming train. - -- Robert Lowell -% -If we spoke a different language, we -would perceive a somewhat different world. - -- Wittgenstein -% -If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty, -we encourage it, and involve others in our doom. - -- Samuel Adams -% -If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage. -% -If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us -with alarm clocks. -% -If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance. -% -If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to -do something else. - -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" -% -If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel -in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary -qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. - -- Marguerite Emmons -% -If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves. -% -If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the -beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its -lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days -women behave the most like the way men behave all month long? - -- Gloria Steinem -% -If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. - -- Aristotle Onassis -% -If you already know what recursion is, just remember the answer. -Otherwise, find someone who is standing closer to Douglas Hofstadter -than you are; then ask him or her what recursion is. - -- Andrew Plotkin -% -If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. -Quit work and play for once! -% -If you analyse anything, you destroy it. - -- Arthur Miller -% -If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? - -- Ann Edwards-Duff -% -If you are a police dog, where's your badge? - -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd - crazy. -% -If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. - -- Anton Chekov -% -If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance. -% -If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real -good, you will get out of it. -% -If you are honest because honesty is the best policy, -your honesty is corrupt. -% -If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no -longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal. - -- Abigail Van Buren -% -If you are not for yourself, who will be for you? -If you are for yourself, then what are you? -If not now, when? -% -If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient -evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than -words. - -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" -% -If you are over 80 years old and accompanied -by your parents, we will cash your check. -% -If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; -over 80 you are neglecting your golf. - -- Walter Hagen -% -If you are smart enough to know that you're not -smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business. -% -If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy. -% -If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut? -% -If you aren't rich you should always look useful. - -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine -% -If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. - -- J. Paul Getty -% -If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. -% -If you can not say it, you can not whistle it, either. - -- Wittgenstein -% -If you can read this, you're too close. -% -If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. -% -If you cannot convince them, confuse them. - -- Harry S. Truman -% -If you cannot in the long run tell everyone -what you have been doing, your doing was worthless. - -- Edwin Schrodinger -% -If you can't be good, be careful. -If you can't be careful, give me a call. -% -If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. -% -If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. -% -If you can't read this, blame a teacher. -% -If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me. - -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth -% -If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious. -% -If you catch a man, throw him back. - -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975 -% -If you continually give you will continually have. -% -If you could only get that wonderful feeling of -accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. -% -If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? -% -If you didn't have most of your friends, -you wouldn't have most of your problems. -% -If you didn't have to work so hard, -you'd have more time to be depressed. -% -If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one. - -- John Galsworthy -% -If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about -it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else. - -- Carlyle -% -If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again. -% -If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. -% -If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists -in the Bible. - -- Mordecai Richler -% -If you don't do it, you'll never know what -would have happened if you had done it. -% -If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will? -% -If you don't drink it, someone else will. -% -If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. - -- Clarence Day -% -If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter. - -- Freeman Dyson -% -If you don't have the time right now, -will you have redo right time later? -% -If you don't have time to do it right, where -are you going to find the time to do it over? -% -If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is. -% -If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk! -% -If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it. - -- Calvin Coolidge -% -If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring. - -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking -% -If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little -Lavoris in the toilet. - -- Jay Leno -% -If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people. -% -If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to -either of you for the rest of the day. -% -If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to -have to get a toehold in the public eye. -% -If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program -an embedded system. The salient characteristic of an embedded system is that -it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention -will suffice to remove it. An embedded system can't permanently trust anything -it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff -around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming -carefulness here. No. Programming an embedded system calls for undiluted -raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know -what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs -properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a -gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network -numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before -you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all -over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he -was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong -network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your -software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network -number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed -in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you -get my drift. -% -If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody -will. -% -If you explain something so clearly that no -one can possibly misunderstand, someone will. -% -If you fail to plan, plan to fail. -% -If you find a solution and become attached to it, -the solution may become your next problem. -% -If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed. -% -If you float on instinct alone, how can you -calculate the buoyancy for the computed load? - -- Christopher Hodder-Williams -% -If you fool around with something long -enough, it will eventually break. -% -If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office. -% -If you give Congress a chance to vote on -both sides of an issue, it will always do it. - -- Les Aspin, D, Wisconsin -% -If you go on with this nuclear arms race, -all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce. - -- Winston Churchill -% -If you go out of your mind, do it quietly, -so as not to disturb those around you. -% -If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are -all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were -swimming. - -- Jack Handey -% -If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous. -% -If you had better tools, you could more -effectively demonstrate your total incompetence. -% -If you had just one moment to live -And they granted you one special wish -Would you ask for something -Like another chance. - -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys" -% -If you hands are clean and your cause is just -and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start. -% -If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. -% -If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent. - -- Bette Davis -% -If you have nothing to do, don't do it here. -% -If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a -new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation, -does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must -make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats. -The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if -you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer -will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with -cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the -dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion -of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things -straight. - -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style" -% -If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all. - -- Spiro Agnew -% -If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it. -% -If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know. - -- Louis Armstrong -% -If you have to hate, hate gently. -% -If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong. -% -If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career -in chartered accountancy beckons. - -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic - Systems course. -% -If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a -hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype. - -- Neil Bogart -% -If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot -yourself in the posterior. - -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press" -% -If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. -% -If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of -rubbish into it. - -- William Orton -% -If you knew what to say next, would you say it? -% -If you know the answer to a question, don't ask. - -- Petersen Nesbit -% -If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end. - -- Mark Twain -% -If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end... -you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast. - -- David Letterman -% -If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn -365 useless things. -% -If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was -probably worth it. -% -If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven. -% -If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. - -- Graham Summer -% -If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat. - -- Simone De Beauvoir -% -If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made -because very few people die past the age of a hundred. - -- George Burns -% -If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets -and fire them all off, wouldn't you? - -- Garrison Keillor -% -If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life. - -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant -% -If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor. -If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor. -% -If you lose a son you can always get another, -but there's only one Maltese Falcon. - -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" -% -If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, -he'll get rich or famous or both. -% -If you love someone, set them free. -If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk. -% -If you love something set it free. If it doesn't -come back to you, hunt it down and kill it. -% -If you make a mistake you right it -immediately to the best of your ability. -% -If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year -with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% -If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; -but if you really make them think they'll hate you. -% -If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll -be married to a man who cheats on his wife. - -- Ann Landers -% -If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. - -- Schmidt -% -If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty. -Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands. -% -If you need anything just whistle. -You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? -Just put your lips together and blow. - -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not" -% -If you notice that a person is deceiving you, -they must not be deceiving you very well. -% -If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. - -- Maslow -% -If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure -can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly -develop. -% -If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite -you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - -- Mark Twain -% -If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, -you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get -ice, but no cup. -% -If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But -this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is -somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it. -% -If you put it off long enough, it might go away. -% -If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. -But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, -is somehow ennobled and no-one dare criticise it. - -- Pierre Gallois -% -If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a -restaurant. - -- Snoopy -% -If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it. -Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have -something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because -they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because -they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them -if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains --- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death. - -- Hermann Goering -% -If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it. -% -If you remember the 60's, you weren't there. -% -If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire -deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading -are precisely those that challenge our convictions. -% -If you see an onion ring -- answer it! -% -If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. -But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers. - -- Swami Prabhupada -% -If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're -the sucker. -% -If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure. -% -If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair. -% -If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from -many it's research. - -- Wilson Mizner -% -If you stew apples like cranberries, -they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does. - -- Groucho Marx -% -If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, -It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. - Or some joker who is slicker, - Will trick you of your liquor, -If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock. -% -If you stick your head in the sand, -one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked. -% -If you suspect a man, don't employ him. -% -If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have -schizophrenia. - -- Thomas Szasz -% -If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble -then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real -harm. -% -If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. - -- Mark Twain -% -If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first. -% -If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. - -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard -% -If you think last Tuesday was a drag, -wait till you see what happens tomorrow! -% -If you think nobody cares if you're alive, -try missing a couple of car payments. - -- Earl Wilson -% -If you think technology can solve your security problems, then you -don't understand the problems and you don't understand the technology. - -- Bruce Schneier -% -If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time -someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with -your Bic. -% -If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. - -- Arthur Kasspe -% -If you think the system is working, -ask someone who's waiting for a prompt. -% -If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest -shopping center in the world? - -- Richard M. Nixon -% -If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you -lack sufficient imagination. -% -If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be -to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to -say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another party -next year. - What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake - up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if -they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious -to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning -parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having -another one ... - If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, -unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas -through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that -they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone, -your job is to make sure it isn't you ... - -- Dave Barry -% -If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined -them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government! - -- Mr. Interesting -% -If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them -end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. - -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten" -% -If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time. - -- Franklin D. Roosevelt -% -If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it. -% -If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything. - -- Abraham Lincoln -% -If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having -done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back. -% -If you want divine justice, die. - -- Nick Seldon -% -If you want me to be a good little bunny -just dangle some carats in front of my nose. - -- Lauren Bacall -% -If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman. - -- Michelet -% -If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's -read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves. - -- Don Marquis -% -If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law. -% -If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people -he gave it to. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. - -- Woody Allen -% -If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map. -% -If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate -books. - -- Alan King -% -If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards. - -- Harry Blackstone -% -If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the -Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft. -Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory -containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with -the word "National". - -- George Will -% -If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word -you say, talk in your sleep. -% -If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some -memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, -even if they don't know what it means. - -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party" -% -If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal. -% -If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that -fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and -heartbeats. -% -If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. -If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. -If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. -If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish. - -- Chinese proverb -% -If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one. -% -If you wish to succeed, consult three old people. -% -If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur -boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him. - -- Anton Chekov -% -If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him. -If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak - well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents. -If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness. -If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your - position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content... - but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it. -If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the - institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will - be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason - why. -% -If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend. -% -If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -If you would understand your own age, read the works -of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely. -% -If you'd like to cultivate insomnia, -Bed down with a pretty girl. -Amor vincit omnia. -% -If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss. -% -If your bread is stale, make toast. -% -If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out. -If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head. - -- Niccolo Machiavelli, "The Prince" -% -If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, -I guess you do have a problem. - -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" -% -If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it. -% -If your mind grows weak, -Don't yield to the weakness. -Even if tired of thought, -Never stop thinking. -My sons and descendants, -Don't get exhausted in reason-- -But become experienced. - -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan -% -If your mother knew what you're doing, -she'd probably hang her head and cry. -% -If your parents don't have kids, neither will you. -% -If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no -longer be fantasies. - -- Fran Lebowitz -% -If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real -embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. - -- Jack Handey -% -If you're careful enough, nothing -bad or good will ever happen to you. -% -If you're carrying a torch, put it down. -The Olympics are over. -% -If you're constantly being mistreated, -you're cooperating with the treatment. -% -If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four -strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work -together yet. - -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89 -% -If you're going to America, bring your own food. - -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" -% -If you're going to do something tonight -that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. - -- Henny Youngman -% -If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance. -% -If you're happy, you're successful. -% -If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. -% -If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. - -- Benjamin Disraeli -% -If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? -% -If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war, -As well as by traffic and crime, -Consider how worry-free gophers are, -Though living on burrowed time. - -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83 -% -If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it -off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" -% -If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. - -- Ronald Reagan -% -Ignisecond, n.: - The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car - door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Ignorance is bliss. - -- Thomas Gray - -Fortune updates the great quotes, #42: - BLISS is ignorance. -% -Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the -rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow. - -- Franklin K. Dane -% -Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out. -% -Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people -so resolutely pursuing it. -% -Ignore previous fortune. -% -Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux - Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, -Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex, - Et le m^omerade horgrave. - -- Lewis Carroll, - "Through the Looking-Glass, - and What Alice Found There" (1871) -% -Iles's Law: - There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly - at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see - it. Neither will Iles. -% -I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words. - -- Lenny Bruce -% -I'll be Grateful when they're Dead. -% -I'll burn my books. - -- Christopher Marlowe -% -I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, -carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, -I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun. - -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H -% -I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd -listen to it! - -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire -% -I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's -in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ. - -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up" -% -I'll grant thee random access to my heart, -Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; -And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove -And in our bound partition never part. - -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" -% -I'll learn to play the Saxophone, -I play just what I feel. -Drink Scotch whisky all night long, -And die behind the wheel. -They got a name for the winners in the world, -I want a name when I lose. -They call Alabama the Crimson Tide, -Call me Deacon Blues. - -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues" -% -I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon... - -- Pink Floyd -% -I'll never get off this planet. - -- Luke Skywalker -% -I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me. -% -I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob. -That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood. - -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones] -% -I'll turn over a new leaf. - -- Miguel de Cervantes -% -Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask -any Indian. - -- Robert Orben - -Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. - -- Jack Paar -% -Illegitimi non carborundum -(translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.) -% -Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot: -it's more like the land He's trying to ignore. -% -Illiterate? Write today, for free help! -% -Illusion is the first of all pleasures. - -- Voltaire -% -I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe -that I could have evolved from man. -% -"I'm a doctor, not a mechanic." - -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of - the idea of a doomsday machine. -"I'm a doctor, not an escalator." - -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant - Ellen up a steep incline. -"I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer." - -- "Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta. -"I'm a doctor, not an engineer." - -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in - Engineering aboard the USS Enterprise. -"I'm a doctor, not a coal miner." - -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2. -"I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist." - -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark - that Kirk talked strangely. -"I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor." - -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the - aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4. -"What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor?" - -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a - physical exam to answer the alert. -% -I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on -a sports jacket and take off my brain. -% -I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me! -% -I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to -thank everyone for making this night necessary. - -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor -% -I'm all for computer dating, but I -wouldn't want one to marry my sister. -% -I'm also inclined to believe that if you wait long enough, you will -eventually have more than 255 of almost *anything*.... - -- A. Lyman Chapin -% -I'm always looking for a new idea that -will be more productive than its cost. - -- David Rockefeller -% -I'm an artist. -But it's not what I really want to do. -What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman. -I know what you're going to say -- -"Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds." -All right! But it's what I want to do. -Instead I have to go on painting all day long. - -The world should make a place for shoe salesmen. - -- J. Feiffer -% -I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe -that I could have been created by man. -% -I'm changing my name to Chrysler -I'm going down to Washington, D.C. -I'll tell some power broker - What they did for Iacocca -Will be perfectly acceptable to me! -I'm changing my name to Chrysler, -I'm heading for that great receiving line. -When they hand a million grand out, - I'll be standing with my hand out, -Yessir, I'll get mine! - -- Tom Paxton -% -I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. -% -"I'm dying," he croaked. -"My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted. -"You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. -"That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. -"The fire is going out," he bellowed. -"Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused. -"You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me. -"You snake," she rattled. -"Someone's at the door," she chimed. -"Company's coming," she guessed. -"Dawn came too soon," she mourned. -"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed. -"I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed. -"Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly. -"Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely. - -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex" -% -I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in. - -- George McGovern -% -I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults. - -- Gore Vidal -% -I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality. -% -I'm glad I was not born before tea. - -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845) -% -I'm glad that I'm an American, -I'm glad that I am free, -But I wish I were a little doggy, -And McGovern were a tree. -% -I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens -every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share -it with you. - -> In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and - the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue. -> And in LA it's 72. - -> In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity - is a million percent. -> And in LA it's 72. - -> In New York there are a million interesting people. -> And in LA there are 72. -% -I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. - -- Fred Allen -% -I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes. - -- Woody Allen -% -I'm going to live forever, or die trying! - -- Spider Robinson -% -I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear. - -- John Foreman -% -I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson -says a war isn't really a war without my jokes. - -- Bob Hope -% -I'm hungry, time to eat lunch. -% -I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? - -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate -% -I'm just as sad as sad can be! - I've missed your special date. -Please say that you're not mad at me - My tax return is late. - -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards -% -I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be -living apart. - -- e. e. cummings -% -I'm N-ary the tree, I am, -N-ary the tree, I am, I am. -I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, -She's traversed me seven times before. -And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) -Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) -I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. -N-ary the tree I am, I am, -N-ary the tree I am. - -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders -% -I'm not a lovable man. - -- Richard M. Nixon -% -I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out -with twenty-eight years ago. - -- Will Rogers -% -I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to -match the men. - -- George Eliot -% -I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN. - -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C -% -I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you. -% -I'm not offering myself as an example; -every life evolves by its own laws. -% -I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally. -% -I'm not proud. -% -I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING! -% -I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President. - -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964 -% -I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert! -% -I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't -that good. - -- Amy Gorin -% -I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol -that some thinkle peep I am. -It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. -% -I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli- -gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there, -and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing -to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as -yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you -really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but -what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's -okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in. - -- Carl Sagan -% -I'm prepared for all emergencies but -totally unprepared for everyday life. -% -I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is --- I could be just as proud for half the money. - -- Arthur Godfrey -% -I'm really enjoying not talking to you... -Let's not talk again REAL soon... -% -I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it -(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage. - -- English Professor, Providence College -% -I'm so broke I can't even pay attention. -% -I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here. -% -I'm sorry, but after reading this thread, I'm having a hard time -coming up with an explanation for this nonsense which doesn't involve -you being a dumbass. - -- Bill Paul <wpaul@FreeBSD.org> -% -I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma. -% -I'm sorry I missed. - -- Squeaky Fromme -% -I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you. -% -I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie. -% -I'm successful because I'm lucky. -The harder I work, the luckier I get. -% -I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, -I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; -In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, -I am the very model of a modern Major-General. - -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance" -% -I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life, -like pigeons and Catholics. - -- Woody Allen -% -I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's -lives. -% -Imagination is more important than knowledge. - -- Albert Einstein -% -Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. - -- Jules de Gaultier -% -Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the -usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody -thinks of complaining. - -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal -% -Imagine me going around with a pot belly. -It would mean political ruin. - -- Adolf Hitler -% -Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has -a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk -storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on -voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. -What's the first question that the computer community asks? - -"Is it PC compatible?" -% -Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try. - -- John Lennon, "Imagine" -% -Imagine what we can imagine! - -- Arthur Rubinstein -% -Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely. - -- Genji -% -Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension: - In order for something to become clean, something else must - become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting - anything clean. -% -Imitation is the sincerest form of television. - -- Fred Allen -% -Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant. -% -Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan. -% -Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal. - -- Lionel Trilling -% -Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal. - -- T. S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger" -% -Immortality -- a fate worse than death. - -- Edgar A. Shoaff -% -Immutability, Three Rules of: - (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will. - (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will. - (3) If a teenager can go out, he will. -% -Impartial, adj.: - Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from - espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two - conflicting opinions. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the -mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the -Boss is reading it. -% -Impossible, adj.: - (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve; - (2) I can't be bothered; - (3) God can't be bothered. -Meaning (3) may perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck. - -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" -% -In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled -waffles. -% -In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't -get parts. -% -In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The -creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across. -% -In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred -syrup. -% -In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin -in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to -revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from -behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka -shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops. - -It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the -ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go. -% -In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the -dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government -more to its liking. - -In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of -Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its -liking. -% -In a bottle, the neck is always at the top. -% -In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse, -an IC will blow to protect the fuse. -% -In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves: -the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy. -% -In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death -by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat, -has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat. - -- Leon Trotsky, 1937 -% -In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room -humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network -anyway. - -- The 5th Wave -% -In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. -Only we can't control when the five year period will begin. -% -In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is -placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker. -% -In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the -other really likes. - -- Elizabeth Ashley -% -In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... -in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent -to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who -have not yet reached their level of incompetence. - -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle" -% -In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth" -Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex. - -- Frank Mankiewicz -% -In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, -"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man." - -- Mark Twain -% -In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search -of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest -because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only -person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is -superior to Tops10. -% -In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's -taste and in a sports car it's impossible. -% -In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground -with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call -this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf. -% -In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one -of the risks he takes. - -- Adlai E. Stevenson -% -In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so -sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All -those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the -devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up -as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you. - -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" -% -In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to -be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's -beloved. - -- Russell Baker -% -In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly. -% -In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own -incompetency - -- The Peter Principle -% -In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the -sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order. - -- Idi Amin Dada -% -In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) -are to be treated as variables. -% -In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work, -the answer may be obtained by inspection. -% -In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations -- -it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir. - -- Stuart Keate -% -In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs. -% -IN BOX: - A catch basin for everything you don't want - to deal with, but are afraid to throw away. -% -In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless -the cows are known sluts. - -- Johnny Carson -% -In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it -made the World Series just something that came later. - -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner -% -In buying horses and taking a wife -shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God. -% -In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he -thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent -teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig -said, "up to the mathematicians." - -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985 -% -In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make -it into television shows. - -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall" -% -In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended. -% -In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling -against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled. -% -In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!" - -- The Kidner Report -% -In case of fire, yell "FIRE!" -% -In case of injury notify your superior immediately. -He'll kiss it and make it better. -% -In charity there is no excess. - -- Francis Bacon -% -In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her -husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never -be free of subjugation. - -- The Hindu Code of Manu -% -In Christianity, a man may have only one wife. -This is called Monotony. -% -In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle -a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order -to get her attention. -% -In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter. -% -In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride -in any motor vehicle. -% -In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. - -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery -% -In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door -neighbor. -% -In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. -% -In dwelling, be close to the land. -In meditation, delve deep into the heart. -In dealing with others, be gentle and kind. -In speech, be true. -In work, be competent. -In action, be careful of your timing. - -- Lao Tsu -% -In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our -programming languages. -% -In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty. - -- Thomas Jefferson -% -In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours. - -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter -% -In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. -Find the fun and snap! The job's a game. -And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake, - a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see. - -- Mary Poppins -% -In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug. -% -In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier -transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform -in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and -spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime. - -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900 -% -In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder; -in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft. -% -In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because -I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up -because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I -didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the -Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came -for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up. - -- Pastor Martin Niemoller -% -In God we trust; all else we walk through. -% -In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker -know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak? - -- Plato -% -In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on -the sidewalks when a concert is on. -% -In her first passion woman loves her lover, -In all the others all she loves is love. - -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan" -% -In high school in Brooklyn -I was the baseball manager, -proud as I could be -I chased baseballs, -gathered thrown bats -handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own -It was very important work but it was dark blue while -for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green -but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything -When the team got to me about my blue jacket; -their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends -I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year -Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket -got these jackets, and among all those green ones -surely not a manager Even now, forty years after, - I still recall that jacket - and the memory goes on hurting. - -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance" -% -In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together -afterwards that causes the problems. - -- Shelley Winters -% -In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it. - -- Rex Reed -% -In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into -use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather -which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy. - -- Mark Twain -% -In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, -murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci -and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had -five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce? -The cuckoo-clock. - -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man" -% -In just seven days, I can make you a man! - -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show - [ (and seven nights...) Ed.] -% -In less than a century, computers will be making substantial -progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace. - -- James Slagle -% -In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your -pocket. -% -In like a dimwit, out like a light. - -- Pogo -% -In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original. - -- Bruton -% -In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any -pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while -either flying or waiting to board a plane. -% -In marriage, as in war, it is permitted -to take every advantage of the enemy. -% -In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but -the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they -have obtained from books of travel. - -- Mark Twain -% -In matters of principle, stand like a rock; -in matters of taste, swim with the current. - -- Thomas Jefferson -% -In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait. - -- Josi Simon -% -In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf. -It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game. -% -In most instances, all an argument -proves is that two people are present. -% -In my end is my beginning. - -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots -% -In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending -your left leg, it's modern architecture. - -- Nancy Banks Smith -% -IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out -becoming pure energy. - -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) -% -In Nature there are neither rewards nor -punishments, there are consequences. - -- R. G. Ingersoll -% -In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as -to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the -speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00. -% -In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -- -a practice which is still continued. - -- Helen Rowland -% -In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension. -% -In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is; -you're what's left. -% -In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it. -% -In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom. -It is not always an easy sacrifice. -% -In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the -universe. - -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos -% -In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence -is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -In our system there's no intermediate step between a definitive Supreme -Court decision and violent revolution. - -- Al Gore (New York Magazine, May 29 2006) -% -In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy. -% -In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced -a Prime Minister worthy of assassination. - -- John Diefenbaker -% -In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds -and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane. -% -In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying -of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public -view." -% -In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia, -happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary. - -- Paul Licker -% -In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you -want the other person. - -- Margaret Anderson -% -In reply to a message by Scott Long: - -> Note: this amounts to life support for floppies. The end IS coming. - -Say it ain't so! If you establish a dangerous trend like this in -your support for floppy booting, the next thing you know, some -computer manufacturer will start shipping machines without ANY FLOPPY -DRIVE AT ALL, leading to the infocalypse, the four horsemen pouring -their vials upon the earth, the birth of the anti-christ (or PERL 6, -whichever comes first), dogs and cats living together, etc. - -It's the end of days, I tell you! The end! Can the FreeBSD/NetBSD -merger be that far off? - -- Jordan Hubbard (31 January 2006) -% -In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space -Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. -Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, -We shall encounter, counting, face to face. - -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" -% -In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant. - -- Will Durst -% -In science it often happens that scientists say, "You know that's a really -good argument; my position is mistaken," and then they actually change -their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really -do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are -human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot -recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion. - -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address -% -In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that -is over six feet in length. -% -In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way. - -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 -% -In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian. -% -In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's. -% -In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart. - -- Anne Frank -% -In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing. - -- Alan Kay -% -In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a -moving automobile. -% -[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You -could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense -that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ... - -And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory -over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we -didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no -point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; -we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ... - -So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in -Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost -_s_e_e the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and -rolled back. - -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" -% -"In the age of the internet attaching a famous name to your personal -opinion to give more weight to it is a very valid strategy." - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!" -And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it. -% -In the beginning was the word. -But by the time the second word was added to it, -there was trouble. -For with it came syntax ... - -- John Simon -% -In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the -Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact -which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative, -intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page -14, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and -fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest -discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers -to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that -memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote: - - "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and - could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide - until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable - combination." - -Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he -could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever. -% -In the days of old, -When Knights were bold, - And women were too cautious; -Oh, those gallant days, -When women were women, - And men were really obnoxious. -% -In the dimestores and bus stations -People talk of situations -Read books repeat quotations -Draw conclusions on the wall. - -- Bob Dylan -% -In the early morning queue, -With a listing in my hand. -With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9, -Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go. -I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue, -How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows. -In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft, -With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast. - Hey, there it goes my friend, - I've moved up one at last. - -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early - Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot -% -In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man. - -- Martin Mull -% -In the first place, God made idiots; -this was for practice; then he made school boards. - -- Mark Twain -% -In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in -the proper order then why can't he? -% -In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians. - -- Joseph Stalin -% -In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals. -You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them. -% -In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls. - -- Lenny Bruce -% -In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, -woman is merely an instrument of pleasure. - -- Tolstoy -% -In the land of the dark the Ship of the -Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead. - -- Egyptian Book of the Dead -% -In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble. - -- Alan J. Perlis -% -In the long run we are all dead. - -- John Maynard Keynes -% -In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands -a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to -the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus. - -Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first? -A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths. -% -In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man -noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of -the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet -conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this -jaded group. Why don't I take you home?"" - "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you -live?" -% -In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not -displeasing to us. - -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" -% -In the next world, you're on your own. -% -In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the -wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After -everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the -camp. - After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from -a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get -louder and louder. - Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like -the sound of those drums." - Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S -NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER." -% -In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a -loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to -you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty -lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog -and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it -was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and -struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny -and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the -crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch. - -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian - novel. -% -In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has -shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old -Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred -thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the -Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is -something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of -conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. - -- Mark Twain -% -In the Spring, I have counted 136 -different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours. - -- Mark Twain, on New England weather -% -In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator. -% -In the time of peace and harmony -Be a kind-hearted friend. -In the time of conflict with enemies -Be a falcon of advance and attack. - -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan -% -In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop -out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques. - -- Art Linkletter -% -In the war of wits, he's unarmed. -% -In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. -In practice, there is. -% -In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain. - -- Pliny the Elder -% -In this vale -Of toil and sin -Your head grows bald -But not your chin. - -- Burma Shave -% -In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be -thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -In this world some people are going to like me and some are not. -So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me. -% -In this world there are only two tragedies. One is -not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it. -% -In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take -my advice. - -- Winston Churchill -% -In time, every post tends to be occupied by an -employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties. - -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter -% -In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without -the supervision of a licensed engineer. -% -In /users3 did Kubla Kahn -A stately pleasure dome decree, -Where /bin, the sacred river ran -Through Test Suites measureless to Man -Down to a sunless C. -% -In war it is not men, but the man who counts. - -- Napoleon -% -In war, truth is the first casualty. - -- U Thant -% -In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse -along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months. -% -In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking? -% -In wine there is truth (In vino veritas). - -- Pliny -% -In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree -But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree. -% -In Xanadu did Kubla Khan -A stately pleasure dome decree: -Where Alph, the sacred river, ran -Through caverns measureless to man -Down to a sunless sea. -So twice five miles of fertile ground -With walls and towers were girdled round: -And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills, -Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree; -And here were forest ancient as the hills, -Enfolding sunny spots of greenery. - -- Samuel T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn" -% -In youth, it was a way I had -To do my best to please, -And change, with every passing lad, -To suit his theories. - -But now I know the things I know, -And do the things I do; -And if you do not like me so, -To hell, my love, with you! - -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer" -% -INCENTIVE PROGRAM: - The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses - to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with - profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective - incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to - keep it." -% -Include me out. -% -Increased knowledge will help you now. -Have mate's phone bugged. -% -Incumbent, n.: - Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Indecision is the true basis for flexibility. -% -Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as -`all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled -with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.' - -- M. D. Epstein -% -INDEX: - Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an - alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be. -% -Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and -basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley -is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee. - -- Carolyn Jones -% -Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? -% -Individualists unite! -% -Indomitable in retreat; invincible in -advance; insufferable in victory. - -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery -% -Infancy, n.: - The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies - about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Infidel, n.: - In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; - in Constantinople, one who does. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down. -% -Information Center, n.: - A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is -to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. -% -Information is the inverse of entropy. -% -Information Processing: - What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with - it they won't let it be discussed in their presence. -% -Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations - - Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: - Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! - Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet - behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen - obedicing the instructs of the vessel. - - On the door in a Belgrade hotel: - Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on - the service. Our utmost will improve it. - - -- Colin Bowles -% -Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations - - Sign on a cathedral in Spain: - It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if - dressed as a man. - - Above the entrance to a Cairo bar: - Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband - or similar. - - On a Bucharest elevator: - - The lift is being fixed for the next days. - During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. - - -- Colin Bowles -% -Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations - - Various signs in Poland: - - Right turn toward immediate outside. - - Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons. - - Five o'clock tea at all hours. - - In a men's washroom in Sidney: - - Shake excess water from hands, push button to start, - rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands - on front of shirt. - - -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle -% -Ingrate, n.: - A man who bites the hand that feeds him, - and then complains of indigestion. -% -Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. - -- Martin Luther King, Jr. -% -Ink, n.: - A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and - water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and - promote intellectual crime. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one -likes oneself. - -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect" -% -INNOVATE: - Annoy people. -% -Innovation is hard to schedule. - -- Dan Fylstra -% -INNUENDO: - Italian enema. -% -Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same -token it is the shortest detour to marriage. - -- Wilson Mizner -% -Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. -% -Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when -the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. -% -INSECURITY: - Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your - favorite words. - - Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to - the person who told it to you. -% -Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over. -% -Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first - hunting accident?" -Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes." - -- Woody Allen -% -Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile. -% -Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't -they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning -anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five -years we would have the smartest race of people on earth. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% -Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better. - -- Edgar W. Howe -% -Instead of thinking of spam as a disease that might be eliminated, -it is more useful to think of it like crime, war and cockroaches. -It is not realistic to expect to eliminate any of these, no matter -how much anyone might wish otherwise. Therefore the best we can -hope to accomplish is to bring spam under reasonable control... - -- Dave Crocker -% -Integrity has no need for rules. -% -Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way. - -- Henry Spencer -% -Intellect annuls Fate. -So far as a man thinks, he is free. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -Interchangeable parts won't. -% -INTEREST: - What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and - burned out employees must feign. -% -Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the -street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US -invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no; -and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?" - -- David Letterman -% -Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're -best at, that's what I say. - -- "Doctor Who" -% -Interpreter, n.: - One who enables two persons of different languages to understand - each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the - interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure. -% -INTOXICATED: - When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it. -% -Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor. - -INSTRUCTION SET - Code Mnemonic What - 0 NOP No Operation - 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits) - -Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents! -% -Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac! -% -Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing -- -it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up. - -- Bernard Cooke -% -I/O, I/O, -It's off to disk I go, -A bit or byte to read or write, -I/O, I/O, I/O... -% -IOT trap -- core dumped -% -IOT trap -- mos dumped -% -Iowa State -- the high school after high school! - -- Crow T. Robot -% -Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because -they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those -little paper envelopes. -% -Iron Law of Distribution: - Them that has, gets. -% -IRONY: - A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with - a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes. -% -Irrationality is the square root of all evil. - -- Douglas Hofstadter -% -Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less? -% -Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast? -% -Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch? -% -Is death legally binding? -% -Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is -meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as -a soap bubble? -% -Is it weird in here, or is it just me? - -- Steven Wright -% -Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that? -% -Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning -of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, -and such as are out wish to get in? - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. - -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex" -% -Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? - -- Mae West -% -Is that really YOU that is reading this? -% -Is there life before breakfast? -% -Is this really happening? -% -Is your job running? You'd better go catch it! -% -Isn't air travel wonderful? -Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil. -% -Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent -person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind? - -- Adlai E. Stevenson, to reporters -% -Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction -listen to weather forecasts and economists? - -- Kelvin Throop III -% -Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives -avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that -would make them better prospects? -% -Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live -there? - -- Herb Caen -% -Isn't it strange that the same people that -laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously? -% -ISO applications: - A solution in search of a problem! -% -Issawi's Laws of Progress: - The Course of Progress: - Most things get steadily worse. - The Path of Progress: - A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. -% -It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working -as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he -had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked, -"What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed -Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival -came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer -this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the -Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so. -To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's -your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked, -"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" -% -It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the -most widely used higher level language for systems programming. - -- J. Sammet -% -It cannot be seen, cannot be felt, -Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt. -It lies behind starts and under hills, -And empty holes it fills. -It comes first and follows after, -Ends life, kills laughter. -% -"It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is -any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's -horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's -existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be -that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a -thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's -horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's -horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that -Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only -have wings by not being Walter's horse. - -I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P -then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand -for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is -necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a -better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me. - -- A. N. Prior, "Time and Modality" -% -It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. - -- Benjamin Disraeli -% -It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would -interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation -for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were -invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by -was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is -hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have -carried me. - -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time" -% -It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations. -% -It does not matter if you fall down as long as you -pick up something from the floor while you get up. -% -It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've -done and what you're going to do. -% -It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose. -% -It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out -next morning it was someone else. - -- Rogers -% -It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan -which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons, -insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather -than be the instrument of his army's downfall. - -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought" -% -It gets late early out there. - -- Yogi Berra -% -It got to the point where I had to get a haircut -or both feet firmly planted in the air. -% -It hangs down from the chandelier -Nobody knows quite what it does -Its color is odd and its shape is weird -It emits a high-sounding buzz - -It grows a couple of feet each day -and wriggles with sort of a twitch -Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from -a visiting uncle who's rich! - -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear" -% -It happened long ago -In the new magic land -The Indians and the buffalo -Existed hand in hand -The Indians needed food -They need skins for a roof -The only took what they needed -And the buffalo ran loose -But then came the white man -With his thick and empty head -He couldn't see past his billfold -He wanted all the buffalo dead -It was sad, oh so sad. - -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo" -% -It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown -came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and -applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I -think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the -wits, who believe that it is a joke. - -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) -% -It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be -most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment, -it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind. - -- H. Warner Munn -% -It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is -thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have -drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself -that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *_o_n_l_y* by amusing oneself that -one can learn." - -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman -% -It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have -been searching for evidence which could support this. - -- Bertrand Russell -% -It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends -and getting people under the influence. - -- Jeremy Tunstall -% -It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. -% -It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill, -or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who -achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom -good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy -notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all -infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from -folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens -their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that -appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge, -and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum -competence will be quite enough. - -- The Underground Grammarian -% -It has long been an axiom of mine that the -little things are infinitely the most important. - -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity" -% -It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the -manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle -baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest -is nest, and never the mane shall tweet. -% -It has long been known that one horse can run faster -than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial. - -- Lazarus Long -% -It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of -indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury -is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim -of infanticide. - -- Edmond About -% -It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens, -to argue with the belly, since it has no ears. - -- Marcus Porcius Cato -% -It is a lesson which all history teaches -wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize. -% -It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish. - -- Aeschylus -% -It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was -my age, he had been dead for 2 years. - -- Tom Lehrer -% -It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but -it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to -organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The -manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and -I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities. - The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they -could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months, -three more than the schedule allowed. - The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they -could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating; -it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule. -Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling -their thumbs for ten months. - To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control -program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time, -but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and -it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual -integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would -estimate that it added a year to debugging time. - -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" -% -It is a wise father that knows his own child. - -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" -% -It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. -What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing -thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical? - -- Alan J. Perlis -% -It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of -Urbana, Illinois. -% -It is all right to hold a conversation, -but you should let go of it now and then. - -- Richard Armour -% -It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, -you are an exceptionally good liar. - -- Jerome K. Jerome -% -It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness. -% -It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a -pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the -sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. - -- Voltaire -% -It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what -they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed -that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so -much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins -had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But -conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more -intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. - -Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending -destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to -alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were -misinterpreted ... - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -It is annoying to be honest to no purpose. - -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) -% -It is bad luck to be superstitious. - -- Andrew W. Mathis -% -[It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time. - -- K&R -% -It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be -coming up it. - -- Henry Allen -% -It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck? -One in a million, perhaps. -% -It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged. -% -It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all. -% -It is better to burn out than it is to rust. -% -It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. -% -It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same. -% -It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall. -% -It is better to have loved and lost -- much better. -% -It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost. -% -It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark. -% -It is better to live rich than to die rich. - -- Samuel Johnson -% -It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan. -% -It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental. -% -It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free, -and weight yourself down with invisible chains. -% -It is better to wear out than to rust out. -% -It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: -freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either. - -- Mark Twain -% -It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, -admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something. - -- Franklin D. Roosevelt -% -It is contrary to reasoning to say that there -is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing. - -- Rene Descartes -% -It is convenient that there be gods, and, -as it is convenient, let us believe there are. - -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) -% -It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might -remember. - -- Eugene McCarthy -% -It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary -depends upon his not understanding it. - -- Upton Sinclair -% -It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators. -% -It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both -incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by -twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. - -- Rod Serling -% -It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys. -% -It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is -lightly greased. - -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" -% -It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its -proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a -better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat -your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of -attention, the harder the task. - -- Sydney J. Harris -% -It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. -% -It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. - -- Alfred Adler -% -It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig. - -- George Santayana -% -It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end. - -- Leonardo da Vinci -% -It is easier to run down a hill than up one. -% -It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. -% -It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted. - -- Aeschylus -% -It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination -of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends... - -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters -% -It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he -holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who -is there, but speed him when he wishes. - -- Homer, "The Odyssey" - - [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when - referring to scheduling.] -% -It is exactly because a man cannot do a -thing that he is a proper judge of it. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This -is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the -last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give -enough. - -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin" -% -It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love. -% -It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities -without your help. - -- Miss Manners -% -It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life. -% -It is fruitless: - to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid. - - to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with - innovative maneuvers. -% -It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because -if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people. - -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" -% -It is hard to predict, in particular about the future. - -- Robert Storm Petersen -% -It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion: -love does not lie in the ear. - -- Walpole -% -It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood -Boulevard at one time. -% -It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia. -% -It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward -the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the -case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by -crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars. - -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" -% -It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised. -% -It is impossible to defend perfectly -against the attack of those who want to die. -% -It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly -unless one has plenty of work to do. - -- Jerome Klapka Jerome -% -It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry -a tune. - -- Woody Allen -% -It is impossible to make anything -foolproof because fools are so ingenious. -% -It is impossible to travel faster than light, and -certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. - -- Woody Allen -% -IT IS IN PROCESS: - So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless. -% -It is indeed desirable to be well descended, -but the glory belongs to our ancestors. - -- Plutarch -% -It is like saying that for the cause of peace, -God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting. - -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip -% -It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his -wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when -they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks -like a happy married life. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our -offense consists in doubting it. - -- Justice Robert H. Jackson -% -It is much easier to be critical than to be correct. - -- Benjamin Disraeli -% -It is much easier to suggest solutions -when you know nothing about the problem. -% -It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. -% -It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be -privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to -corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children. - -- Kingsley Amis -% -It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide. -% -It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, -that makes life blessed. - -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -% -It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail. - -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's - [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.] - -It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. - -- Gore Vidal - [Great minds think alike? Ed.] -% -It is not enough to have a good mind. -The main thing is to use it well. - -- Rene Descartes -% -It is not enough to have great qualities, -we should also have the management of them. - -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld -% -It is not every question that deserves an answer. - -- Publilius Syrus -% -It is not for me to attempt to fathom the -inscrutable workings of Providence. - -- The Earl of Birkenhead -% -It is not good for a man to be without knowledge, -and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way. - -- Proverbs 19:2 -% -It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for -dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but -she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She -does not want you to call attention to this by saying, "If you wanted a -dessert, why didn't you order one?" You must understand, she has the -dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours. - -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman" -% -It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply -that Cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be. - -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics" -% -It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether -the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the -man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and -blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who -knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a -worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that -he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory -or defeat. - -- Teddy Roosevelt -% -It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on -the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His -wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a -kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and -big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair -and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some -kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife -sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.* - -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road" -% -It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? - -- Elizabeth Carpenter -% -It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. -% -It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort -to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and -chemistry. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. - -- Grace Murray Hopper -% -It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it. - -- Cervantes -% -It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live -at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result -is the only thing that makes the result come true. - -- William James -% -It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their -dignity. -% -It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared -to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great. - -- Havelock Ellis -% -It is only with the heart one can see clearly; -what is essential is invisible to the eye. - -- The Fox, "The Little Prince" -% -It is perfectly permissible for every system call to fail with [ENOTADUCK] -unless the first five bytes of the caller's address space contain the -word "quack". - -- Garrett Wollman -% -It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost -anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push -a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible -way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension -should be used in its proper place. - -- Christopher Strachey -% -It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen. - -- Maimie Van Doren -% -It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that -have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are -mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 -% -It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat -rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they -kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest. - -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's -% -It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories, -his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the -worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one -day like any other day, only shorter. - -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies" -% -It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a -sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate -in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, -too, shall pass away." - -- Abraham Lincoln -% -It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the -lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as -high as the eagle? -% -It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for. - -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard -% -It is so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the -devil when he is the only explanation of it. - -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight" -% -It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of- -yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up. -% -It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a -statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious -to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, -which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the -highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details, -worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour. - -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" -% -It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion. - -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) -% -It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad -crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed -until the other has gone. -% -It is the business of little minds to shrink. - -- Carl Sandburg -% -It is the business of the future to be dangerous. - -- Hawkwind -% -It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will -set a house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs. - -- Francis Bacon -% -It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters. - -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca -% -It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour. - -- Francis Bacon -% -It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree. -% -It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously -lives, works and has his being. - -- Thomas Carlyle -% -It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five -straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes -Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you. -% -It is up to us to produce better-quality movies. - -- Lloyd Kaufman, - producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator" -% -It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist. -It produces a false impression. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure. - -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) -% -It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final. - -- Roger Babson -% -It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire. - -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) -% -It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world. -% -It isn't easy being green. - -- Kermit the Frog -% -It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty -small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands -computers. -% -It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be -unhappy. - -- Groucho Marx -% -It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with. - -- Jack T. Shakespeare -% -It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods -to Grandmother's condo. -% -It looked like something resembling white marble, which was -probably what it was: something resembling white marble. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. -% -It looks like it's up to me to save our skins. -Get into that garbage chute, flyboy! - -- Princess Leia Organa -% -IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about -a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw -that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." - -Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up. - -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) -% -It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair -to get in, and those within despair of getting out. - -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne -% -It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win -or lose. - -- Darrin Weinberg -% -It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too -good either if you speak when your head is empty. -% -It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is -better still to be a live lion. And usually easier. - -- Lazarus Long -% -It may be that your whole purpose in life -is simply to serve as a warning to others. -% -It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done. -% -It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more -doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of -a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit -by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders -in those who would gain by the new ones. - -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513 -% -It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions -that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that -starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed. - -- Arthur Binstead -% -It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. -% -It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately. -% -It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of -one's life and then come round. - -- Lord Alfred Douglas -% -It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety. -% -It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and -they'll come out for it. - -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood - mogul Harry Cohn -% -It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory. - -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 -% -It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones -slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much -more. - -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" -% -It seems a little silly now, but this country -was founded as a protest against taxation. -% -It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should -be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of -unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of -artificial lubrication or foreplay. - -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's - "Sex, Art and American Culture" -% -It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong. - -- Chris Torek -% -It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the -flag. -% -It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level -language named "research student". -% -It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you. -% -It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how -to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things, -and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family -airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The -average wife is like that. - -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike -% -It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the -municipality. - -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio -% -It so happens that everything that is stupid is not unconstitutional. - -- Supreme Court Justice Antonio Scalia -% -It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it. -% -It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face. -% -It takes all kinds to fill the freeways. - -- Crazy Charlie -% -It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder. -% -It takes less time to do a thing right -than it does to explain why you did it wrong. - -- H. W. Longfellow -% -It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear. -% -It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card -may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada -military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said -the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found -a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army -officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the -Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit. - -- Aviation Week and Space Technology -% -It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, -but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. - -- Robert Benchley -% -It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the -system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine -some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very -sharp, probably not someone here on campus. - -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in - Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm. -% -It used to be the fun was in -The capture and kill. -In another place and time -I did it all for thrills. - -- Lust to Love -% -It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. - -- Mark Twain -% -It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. -% -It was a brave man that ate the first oyster. -% -It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest -since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and -laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class. - -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944" -% -It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks -never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies. - -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way" -% -It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set -foot. -% -It was all so different before everything changed. -% -It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer, -when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm. - -- Dion, noted computer scientist -% -It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze -was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ... - -- James Dent -% -It was one time too many -One word too few -It was all too much for me and you -There was one way to go -Nothing more we could do -One time too many -One word too few - -- Meredith Tanner -% -It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest. -% -It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets," -thought Frito. - -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" -% -It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps -I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I -don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and -the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual -charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its -novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but -yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable -man a lifetime. - -- Thomas Aldrich -% -It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country -road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse -and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water -from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop. -The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked -to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a -man appeared out of an upstairs window. - "What do you want?" he asked gruffly. - "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you -would let me stay here for the night." - "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's -okay with me." -% -It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. -Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top. - -- Hunter S. Thompson -% -It was wonderful to find America, but it -would have been more wonderful to miss it. - -- Mark Twain -% -It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded. - -- Tim Conway -% -It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. -It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass. -% -It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on -the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work. -% -It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human -nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant -examples. - -- Charles Dickens -% -It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing -warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or -two things still safe to eat. - -- Robert Fuoss -% -It would be nice to be sure of anything -the way some people are of everything. -% -It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now. -% -Italic, adj.: - Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to - Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases - are often slanted to the left. -% -It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished. -% -It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home. - -- Luke Skywalker -% -It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools. - -- Danny Vermin -% -It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back -and party! - -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space" -% -It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. - -- Andrew Jackson -% -It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear. - -- Cheers -% -It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. -% -It's a naive, domestic operating system without any -breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption. -% -It's a poor workman who blames his tools. -% -It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression -when you lose yours. - -- Harry S. Truman -% -It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. - -- Steven Wright -% -It's a very *_U_N*lucky week in which to be took dead. - -- Churchy La Femme -% -It's all in the mind, ya know. -% -It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back. - -- Mick Jagger -% -It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand -any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are -never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come -out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb. -What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of -flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones -half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and -then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could -have thought it up, I wonder? - -- James Purdy -% -It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short. -% -It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black. -% -It's amazing how many people you could be friends -with if only they'd make the first approach. -% -It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope. -% -It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired. -% -It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away. - -- Michael Arlen -% -It's bad enough that life is a rat-race, -but why do the rats always have to win? -% -It's better to be quotable than to be honest. - -- Tom Stoppard -% -It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all. - -- Marty Winch -% -It's better to burn out than to fade away. -% -It's business doing pleasure with you. -% -It's clever, but is it art? -% -It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame. -% -"It's easier said than done." - -... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than -said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than -said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than -done". -% -It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home. - -- Don Price -% -It's easier to get forgiveness for being -wrong than forgiveness for being right. -% -It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together. - -- Washlesky -% -It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong; -it's much harder to forgive them for being right. -% -It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger. -% -It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour! - -- Macy's -% -Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism -in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with -the ignorance of the community. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -It's faster horses, -Younger women, -Older whiskey and -More money. - -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life" -% -It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line. - -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam" -% -It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the -first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to -kill somebody. - -- Dorothy Sayers -% -It's gonna be alright, -It's almost midnight, -And I've got two more bottles of wine. -% -It's hard not to like a man of many qualities, -even if most of them are bad. -% -It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma. -If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas? -% -It's hard to be humble when you're perfect. -% -It's hard to drive at the limit, but -it's harder to know where the limits are. - -- Stirling Moss -% -It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa. - -- Groucho Marx -% -It's hard to keep your shirt on when -you're getting something off your chest. -% -It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe. - -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead" -% -It's hard to think of you as the end -result of millions of years of evolution. -% -It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse. -% -It's important that people know what you stand for. -It's more important that they know what you won't stand for. -% -It's interesting to think that many quite -distinguished people have bodies similar to yours. -% -It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. -If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't -our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. - -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News" -% -It's just a jump to the left - And then a step to the right. -Put your hands on your hips - You bring your knees in tight. -But it's the pelvic thrust - That really drives you insa-a-a-a-a-ane! - - LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! - - -- Rocky Horror Picture Show -% -It's just apartment house rules, -So all you 'partment house fools -Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor. -One man's ceiling is another man's floor. - -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor" -% -It's kind of fun to do the impossible. - -- Walt Disney -% -It's later than you think. -% -It's later than you think, the joint -Russian-American space mission has already begun. -% -It's like deja vu all over again. - -- Yogi Berra -% -It's Like This - -Even the samurai -have teddy bears, -and even the teddy bears -get drunk. -% -It's lucky you're going so slowly, because -you're going in the wrong direction. -% -It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre. - -- Sam Goldwyn -% -It's multiple choice time... - - What is FORTRAN? - - a: Between thre and fiv tran. - b: What two computers engage in before they interface. - c: Ridiculous. -% -Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. -It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God. - -- Mark Twain -% -It's never too late to have a happy childhood. -% -It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding -a sickness you like. - -- Jackie Mason -% -It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how -to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair. - -- George Burns -% -It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat. -% -It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon. - -- Tom Lehrer -% -It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. - -- Phil White -% -It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either. - -- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston -% -It's not easy being green. - -- Kermit -% -It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. - -- Alexander Korda -% -It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong. - -- J. K. Galbraith -% -It's not just a computer -- it's your ass. - -- Cal Keegan -% -It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's -what you're taking for it... -% -It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things. -% -It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off -the ground. - -- Daniel B. Luten -% -It's not that I'm afraid to die. -I just don't want to be there when it happens. - -- Woody Allen -% -It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing. -% -It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts. - -- Mae West -% -It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips. - -- Garfield -% -It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game. - -- Grantland Rice -% -It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game. -% -It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame. -% -It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is -the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages -"You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case. - -- Sydney J. Harris -% -It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain -what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess. - -- Roger Noe -% -It's our fault. We should have given him better parts. - -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been - elected governor of California. - -[Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy -for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."] -% -It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve -as a warning to others. -% -It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; -poverty and wealth have both failed. - -- Kin Hubbard -% -It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ... -% -It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. -% -It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough, -society will take full responsibility for you. -% -It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped -using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not -only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only -difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental -results to humans. - - [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.] -% -It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers -have been all over it. - -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine -% -It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment, - just to see if it's real, -Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel, -But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face, -So ask me just one question when this magic night is through, -Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you? - -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses" -% -It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten. -% -It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are? -% -It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time. - -- Tallulah Bankhead -% -It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises -the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to. - -- Franklin P. Jones -% -It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer... -boy gets another beer. - -- Cheers -% -It's the thought, if any, that counts! -% -It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're -madly in love, drunk, or running for office. -% -It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the -venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out. - -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy -% -It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never -know when everything may suddenly stop happening. -% -IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or - equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to - spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. - Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it - inevitably unsuccessful. - V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear. - Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel - them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an - adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to - the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. - The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding - auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight. -VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. - This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a - character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of - altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common - as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky" - character has the option of self-replication only at manic high - speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required. - -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 -% -I've already told you more than I know. -% -I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers. -% -I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember, -when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day! -% -I've always made it a solemn practice to never -drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast. - -- R. Nesson -% -I've been in more laps than a napkin. - -- Mae West -% -I've Been Moved! -% -I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. - -- Totie Fields -% -I've been on this lonely road so long, -Does anybody know where it goes, -I remember last time the signs pointed home, -A month ago. - -- Carpenters, "Road Ode" -% -I've been there. -% -I've built a better model than the one at Data General -For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral -My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; -My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. -My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, -You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; -There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; -My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. - -I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: -There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, -Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral -I've built a better model than the one at Data General. - - -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of - "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance", - by Gilbert & Sullivan) -% -I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand. -% -I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means. -It means we get to keep all our old mistakes. - -- Dennie van Tassel -% -I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was -this little hole in the bottom ... - -- John Croll -% -I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. -% -I've got a very bad feeling about this. - -- Han Solo -% -I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock. - -- Henny Youngman -% -I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. - -- Groucho Marx -% -I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes -on the same day. -% -I've looked at the listing, and it's right! - -- Joel Halpern -% -I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must -be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember... - -Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks. -% -I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved. - -- George Gobel -% -I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say. - -- Calvin Coolidge -% -I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police. - -- Keith Richards - -I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of -bad taste. - -- Keith Richards -% -I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. - -- W. C. Fields -% -I've noticed several design suggestions in your code. -% -I've only got 12 cards. -% -I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer. - -- Senator Claghorn -% -I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not -like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife; -indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand -devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this. -I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them. - -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway -% -I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; -And from that full meridian of my glory -I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, -Like a bright exhalation in the evening -And no man see me more. - -- William Shakespeare -% -I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes -me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw. - -- Tallulah Bankhead -% -Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: - No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the - legislature is in session. -% -jake hates - all the girls(the -shy ones, the bold paul scorns all -ones; the meek the girls(the -proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim -all except the cold ones; the slim - ones plump tiny tall) - all except the - dull ones -gus loves all the - girls(the -warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls -ones; the mad (the -moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean -all except ones; the mean - the dead ones kind dirty clean) - all - except the green ones - -- e. e. cummings -% -James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total -indifference to public notice to be universally recognized. - -- Tom Stoppard -% -James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his -West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life, -"If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general." -% -Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back -east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible -Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium -because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard, -by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social -grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on -television?" and "Good night". - -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho - Letters, 1967 -% -Japan, n.: - A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists - create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It - is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are - paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from - which they are harvested by the happy natives. -% -Jealousy is all the fun you think they have. -% -Jenkinson's Law: - It won't work. -% -Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account. -You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up! -% -Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay -you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back! -% -Jim Nasium's Law: - In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people - using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to - each other so that everybody is cramped. -% -Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and -I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two -days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem! -% -Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel -Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it -to you. You gonna pay it? -% -JOB INTERVIEW: - The excruciating process during which personnel officers - separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff. -% -Job Placement, n.: - Telling your boss what he can do with your job. -% -Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his Frisbee. - -- Snoopy -% -Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside. -Her voice was little more than a whisper. - "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make -before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe... -I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who -forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported -your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..." - "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought," -whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you." -% -Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! -% -Jogger, n.: - An odd sort of person with a thing for pain. -% -John Dame May Oscar -Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde -But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton -Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder - -- Willard Espy -% -JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!! - -(George and Ringo miffed.) -% -John the Baptist after poisoning a thief, -Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief, -Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief -Is there a hole for me to get sick in? -The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly, -Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry. -And dropping a barbell he points to the sky, -Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken. - -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues" -% -Johnny Carson's Definition: - The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs - in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the - taxi driver behind you blowing his horn. -% -Johnson's First Law: - When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the - most inconvenient possible time. -% -Johnson's law: - Systems resemble the organizations that create them. -% -Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". -Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses. -% -Join the army, see the world, meet interesting, -exciting people, and kill them. -% -Join the march to save individuality! -% -Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands, -meet exciting interesting people, and kill them. -% -Jones' First Law: - Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of - endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an - obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the - importance of their original contribution. -% -Jone's Motto: - Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. -% -Jones' Second Law: - The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone - to blame it on. -% -Joshu: What is the true Way? -Nansen: Every way is the true Way. -J: Can I study it? -N: The more you study, the further from the Way. -J: If I don't study it, how can I know it? -N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen. - It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do - not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open - yourself as wide as the sky. -% -Journalism is literature in a hurry. - -- Matthew Arnold -% -Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it. -% -Juall's Law on Nice Guys: - Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish. - Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start! -% -Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that -reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away -someone else's cash. - -- P. G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier" -% -Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake. -Pick one. - -1: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake. -2: It's cheaper than going to France. -3: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday. -4: Life is short. -5: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone. -6: It matches my eyes. -7: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me. -8: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday. -9: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating. -10: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it. -11: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff. -12: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli. -% -Just a song before I go, Going through security -To whom it may concern, I held her for so long. -Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love, -It's easy to get burned. And she was gone. -When the shows were over Just a song before I go, -We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned. -And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound -I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned. -She helped me with my suitcase, -She stands before my eyes, -Driving me to the airport -And to the friendly skies. - -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go" -% -Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac -(and nobody cares about it). - -- Bill Joy 6/21/85 -% -Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I -cannot remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in -daydreams about women. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions -seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be -totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason -there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all -the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is -not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep -sense of respect for the whole truth. - -- Stephen R. Schwambach -% -Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. - -- Irene Peter -% -Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work. -% -Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't -going to get hit. - -- Joey -% -Just because the message may never be -received does not mean it is not worth sending. -% -Just because they are called "forbidden" transitions does not mean that they -are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see -what I mean. - -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture -% -Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything. - -- Bob Dylan -% -Just because your doctor has a name for your -condition doesn't mean he knows what it is. -% -Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. -% -Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, -and think to yourself, "There's no place like home." - -- Billie Burke as Glinda, "The Wizard of Oz" -% -Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours. -% -Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you -get a prompt, type like hell. -% -Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody -who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth -about his or her love affairs. - -- Rebecca West -% -Just machines to make big decisions, -Programmed by men for compassion and vision, -We'll be clean when their work is done, -We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young, -What a beautiful world this will be, -What a glorious time to be free. - -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World" -% -Just once, I wish we would encounter -an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets. - -- The Brigadier, "Doctor Who" -% -Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some -of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated? - -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US -% -Just remember, it all started with a mouse. - -- Walt Disney -% -Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to -twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! -% -`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, - As he landed his crew with care; -Supporting each man on the top of the tide - By a finger entwined in his hair. - -`Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: - That alone should encourage the crew. -Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: - What I tell you three times is true.' - -- Lewis Carroll, "The Hunting of the Snark" -% -Just think -- blessed SCSI cables! Do a big enough sacrifice and create -a +5 blessed SCSI cable of connectivity. - -- Lionel Lauer -% -Just to have it is enough. -% -Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt -of all the others, and then do what's best. - -- Lovers and Other Strangers -% -Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?" -% -Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a -faster rat!!! -% -Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone, -Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you, -I went out this morning and I wrote down this song, -Just can't remember who to send it to... - -Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain, -I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end, -I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, -But I always thought that I'd see you again. -Thought I'd see you one more time again. - -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain" -% -Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven! - -- Michael J. Wagner -% -Justice is incidental to law and order. - -- J. Edgar Hoover -% -Justice, n.: - A decision in your favor. -% -K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining; - Cobol's wordy and confining; - KOBOLDS topple when you strike them; - Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them. - -- The Roguelet's ABC -% -Kafka's Law: - In the fight between you and the world, back the world. - -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days" -% -Kamikazes do it once. -% -KANSAS: - Where the men are men and so are the women! -% -Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to -wear tail lights. -% -Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages: - -For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING -package of snack food. - -Gibson the Cat's Corollary: - -For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package -of lunch meat. -% -Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child? -Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present - at the conception. - -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane" -% -Katz' Law: - Men and nations will act rationally when - all other possibilities have been exhausted. - -History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have -exhausted all other alternatives. - -- Abba Eban -% -Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics: - Population density is inversely proportional - to the square of the distance from the keg. -% -Kaufman's Law: - A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence - of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned. -% -Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you. - -- Mae West -% -Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. -% -Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she -With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor, -Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, -The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. -Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me... - -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus" -% -Keep cool, but don't freeze. - -- Hellman's Mayonnaise -% -Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. -% -Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. -% -Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee: - 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc - straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this - force is technically termed "car suck"). - 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive - than "Watch this!" - 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly - proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a - Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or - a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy. - 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the - cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the - Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you - in the head and knock you silly. -% -Keep it short for pithy sake. -% -Keep on keepin' on. -% -Keep patting your enemy on the back until a -small bullet hole appears between your fingers. - -- Joe Bonanno -% -Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum. - -- D. Gries -% -Keep the phase, baby. -% -Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help. -% -Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way -you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you -at the end of six months. - -- Moore -% -Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. -% -Keep your Eye on the Ball, -Your Shoulder to the Wheel, -Your Nose to the Grindstone, -Your Feet on the Ground, -Your Head on your Shoulders. -Now... try to get something DONE! -% -Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -Keep your laws off my body! -% -Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid; -Open it and you remove all doubt. -% -Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most -automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the -numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the -driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the -dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know -what's wrong." -% -Kennedy's Market Theorem: - Given enough inside information and unlimited credit, - you've got to go broke. -% -Kent's Heuristic: - Look for it first where you'd most like to find it. -% -Kern, v.: - 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear - of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small, - metal object used as part of the monetary system. -% -KERNEL: - A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval - traditions of sorcery and black art. -% -Kettering's Observation: - Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence. -% -Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on. -% -Kids have *_n_e_v_e_r* taken guidance from their parents. If you could -travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the -original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate -teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for -grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate -teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves. - -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" -% -Kill a commy for your mommy. -% -Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out. -% -Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali! - -- Hindu saying -% -Kill Kill, -Hate Hate, -Murder, Maim, and Mutilate! -% -Kill your parents. - -- Jerry Rubin -% -Killing turkeys causes winter. -% -Kilroe hic erat! -% -Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness: - Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks. -% -Kin, n.: - An affliction of the blood. -% -Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read. - -- Mark Twain -% -Kindness is the beginning of cruelty. - -- Muad'dib, "Dune" -% -Kington's Law of Perforation: - If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such - as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest - part of the paper. -% -Kinkler's First Law: - Responsibility always exceeds authority. - -Kinkler's Second Law: - All the easy problems have been solved. -% -Kirk to Enterprise... -% -Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack. -% -Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through -any of its streets. -% -Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference. -% -Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday. - -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" -% -Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. -% -Kiss your keyboard goodbye! -% -Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle. -% -Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. -% -Kissing don't last, cookery do. - -- George Meredith -% -Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and -sapphire bracelet lasts for ever. - -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" -% -Kitchen activity is highlighted. -Butter up a friend. -% -Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it. - -- Winston Churchill -% -Klatu barada nikto. -% -Kleeneness is next to Godelness. -% -Klein bottle for sale -- inquire within. -% -Kleptomaniac, n.: - A rich thief. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Kliban's First Law of Dining: - Never eat anything bigger than your head. -% -Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!! -100% Damage to life support!!!! -% -Kludge, n.: - An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a - distressing whole. - -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation" -% -Knebel's Law: - It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading - causes of statistics. -% -Knights are hardly worth it. -I mean, all that shell and so little meat... -% -Knock, knock! - Who's there? -Sam and Janet. - Sam and Janet who? -Sam and Janet Evening... -% -Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea! -[chorus] - Yeay! - Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side, - Stay on the Happy side of life! - Bum bum bum bum bum bum - You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane, - So Stay on the Happy Side of life! - -Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?) - An another eather bunny... [chorus] -Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?) - Still another ether bunny... [chorus] -Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?) - Yet another ether bunny... [chorus] -Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?) - Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus] -Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?) - Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus] -% -Knocked, you weren't in. - -- Opportunity -% -Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers? - --- No? - -GOOD! -% -Know Thy User. -% -Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. -% -Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. - -- Henry N. Camp -% -KNOWLEDGE: - Things you believe. -% -Knowledge is power. - -- Francis Bacon -% -Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost. - -- Aleister Crowley -% -Knowledge without common sense is folly. -% -Knucklehead: "Knock, knock" -Pee Wee: "Who's there?" -Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady." -Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?" -Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel" -% -Kramer's Law: - You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. -% -Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): - The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -LA: - Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed - is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation. - From mud slides to brush fires. -% -Labor, n.: - One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest. -% -Lack of money is the root of all evil. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -Lackland's Laws: - 1. Never be first. - 2. Never be last. - 3. Never volunteer for anything. -% -Lactomangulation, n.: - Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly - that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah. -% -Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps, -Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants, -I come before you to stand behind you -To tell you of something I know nothing about. -Next Thursday (which is good Friday), -There will be a convention held in the -Women's Club which is strictly for Men. -Admission is free, pay at the door, -Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor. -It was a summer's day in winter, -And the snow was raining fast, -As a barefoot boy with shoes on, -Stood sitting in the grass. -Oh, that bright day in the dead of night, -Two dead men got up to fight. -Three blind men to see fair play, -Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"! -Back to back, they faced each other, -Drew their swords and shot each other. -A deaf policeman heard the noise, -Came and arrested those two dead boys. -% -Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big -boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's -the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or -under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan -to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with -her. - -- Billie Jean King -% -Lady, lady, should you meet -One whose ways are all discreet, -One who murmurs that his wife -Is the lodestar of his life, -One who keeps assuring you -That he never was untrue, -Never loved another one... -Lady, lady, better run! - -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note" -% -Lady Luck brings added income today. -Lady friend takes it away tonight. -% -Lady Nancy Astor: - "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee." -Winston Churchill: - "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it." - -Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what -disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come -sober, Mr. Prime Minister?" - - During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet -luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second -helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?" - "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for -white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely. - The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from -her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if -you would pin this on your white meat." -% -Ladybug, ladybug, -Look to your stern! -Your house is on fire, -Your children will burn! -So jump ye and sing, for -The very first time -The four lines above -Have been put into rhyme. - -- Walt Kelly -% -Laetrile is the pits. -% -Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if -each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves. -% -Lake Erie died for your sins. -% -((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz)) -% -Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his -duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee -table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new -manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some -of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the -candy, and said: - "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?" -% -Langsam's Laws: - (1) Everything depends. - (2) Nothing is always. - (3) Everything is sometimes. -% -Language is a virus from another planet. - -- William Burroughs -% -Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record. -Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date? -Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by - 20,000 women. - -- Lank and Earl -% -Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the -[Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure, -honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that -he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee. - -- Richard M. Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross -% -Large increases in cost with questionable increases in -performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women. - -- Lord Kelvin -% -Largest Number of Driving Test Failures - By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine -times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and -twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while -driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield, -Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August -1970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was -reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -Larkinson's Law: - All laws are basically false. -% -LASER: - Failed death ray. -% -Last guys don't finish nice. - -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs -% -Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up -the pillow was gone. - -- Tommy Cooper -% -Last night I met upon the stair -A little man who wasn't there. -He wasn't there again today. -Gee how I wish he'd go away! -% -Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash.... -The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops. - -- Steven Wright -% -Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record. -I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor. -% -Last week's pet, this week's special. -% -Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... -every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip. -I don't remember what it was. - -- Steven Wright -% -Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won. -% -Latin is a language, -As dead as can be. -First it killed the Romans, -And now it's killing me. -% -Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either. -% -Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. -% -Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot. -% -Laugh at your problems: everybody else does. -% -Laugh when you can; cry when you must. -% -Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird. -% -Laughter is the closest distance between two people. - -- Victor Borge -% -Laura's Law: - No child throws up in the bathroom. -% -Lavish spending can be disastrous. -Don't buy any lavishes for a while. -% -Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum -force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise. - -- Richard M. Nixon -% -Law of Communications: - The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications - between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased - area of misunderstanding. -% -Law of Continuity: - Experiments should be reproducible. - They should all fail the same way. -% -Law of Probable Dispersal: - Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. -% -Law of Selective Gravity: - An object will fall so as to do the most damage. - -Jenning's Corollary: - The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is - directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. -% -Law of the Jungle: - He who hesitates is lunch. -% -Law of the Yukon: - Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery. -% -Law stands mute in the midst of arms. - -- Marcus Tullius Cicero -% -Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws! -% -Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk. -% -Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made. - -- Otto von Bismarck -% -Laws of Computer Programming: - 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. - 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer. - 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. - 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. - 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. - 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output. - 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of - the programmer who must maintain it. -% -Laws of Serendipity: - - (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for - something. - (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already - be engaged in making an inferior one. -% -Lawsuit, n.: - A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Lawyer's Rule: - When the law is against you, argue the facts. - When the facts are against you, argue the law. - When both are against you, call the other lawyer names. -% -Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar. - -- S. J. Perelman -% -Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!". - -- William Shakespeare -% -Layers are for cakes, not for software. - -- Bart Smaalders -% -Lays eggs inside a paper bag; -The reason, you will see, no doubt, -Is to keep the lightning out. -But what these unobservant birds -Have failed to notice is that herds -Of bears may come with buns -And steal the bags to hold the crumbs. -% -Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: - No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- - approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. -% -LAZY: - Marrying a pregnant woman. -% -Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what -is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and -smaller -- and there are many more of them. - -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends" -% -Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own. -% -Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you. -% -Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. -% -Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose. -% -LEARNING CURVE: - An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants - in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the - quicker you can do it. -% -Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and -everything else follows in the same way. - -- Alan J. Perlis -% -Learning without thought is labor lost; -thought without learning is perilous. - -- Confucius -% -Leave no stone unturned. - -- Euripides -% -Lee's Law: - Mother said there would be days like this, - but she never said that there'd be so many! -% -Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. -% -Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the -fun? -% -Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907: - "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour -unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a -drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he -can." -% -Leibowitz's Rule: - When hammering a nail, you will never hit your - finger if you hold the hammer with both hands. -% -Lemma: All horses are the same color. -Proof (by induction): - Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all - horses in that set are the same color. - Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these - horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all - of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you - took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k - horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses - are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all - horses are the same color. -Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs. -Proof (by intimidation): - Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It - is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in - back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a - horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is - infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs. - However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an - infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different - color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist. -% -Lemmings don't grow older, they just die. -% -Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you. -% -Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast. -% -LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22) - Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today. - Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on - your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol. -% -LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. - Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest - criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves. -% -LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) - Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your - ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got - a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can - laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor. -% -Lesbian QOTD: -I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation. -% -Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. - -- Publilius Syrus -% -Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. -% -Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish. - -- William Shakespeare, "Coriolanus" -% -Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a -number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and -another number. - -- James Estes -% -Let me not to the marriage of true minds -Admit impediments. Love is not love -Which alters when it alteration finds, -Or bends with the remover to remove. -O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark, -That looks on tempests and is never shaken; -It is the star to every wandering bark, -Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. -Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks -Within his bending sickle's compass come; -Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, -But bears it out even to the edge of doom. - If this be error and upon me proved, - I never writ, nor no man ever loved. - -- William Shakespeare, Sonnet CXVI -% -Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience. -% -Let me take you a button-hole lower. - -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" -% -Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have -George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing -wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval -of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing -praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) -Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George -in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute -for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped -around his neck. - -- Dave Barry -% -Let my own body be exhausted, -But not the wealth of my state. -Let my mortal body vanish, -But not the power of my state. - -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan -% -Let no guilty man escape. - -- U. S. Grant -% -Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. -% -Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these. - -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18) -% -Let sleeping dogs lie. - -- Charles Dickens -% -Let the machine do the dirty work. - -- Kernighan and Plauger, "The Elements of Programming Style" -% -Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them. - -- James Thurber -% -Let the people think they govern and they will be governed. - -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania -% -Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way -they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief. - -- Al Capone -% -Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -Let us go then you and I -while the night is laid out against the sky -like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie. - -Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over? - -- Ezra -% -Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets, -The muttering retreats -Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels -And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells: -Streets that follow like a tedious argument -Of insidious intent -To lead you to an overwhelming question... -Oh, do not ask, "What is it?" - -- T. S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock" -% -Let us live!!! -Let us love!!! -Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! - -You first. -% -Let us never negotiate out of fear, -but let us never fear to negotiate. - -- John F. Kennedy -% -Let us not look back in anger or forward -in fear, but around us in awareness. - -- James Thurber -% -Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order. -% -Let us treat men and women well; -Treat them as if they were real; -Perhaps they are. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -Let your conscience be your guide. - -- Pope -% -L'etat c'est moi. -[The state, that's me.] - -- Louis XIV -% -Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again. -% -Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every -relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you -really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end. -For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities -I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy... -Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back." - -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn -% -Let's love each other slowly, -reaching for a plane, -of exquisite pleasure, -and delicate pain. - -- Adam Beslove -% -Let's not complicate our relationship -by trying to communicate with each other. -% -Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it. -% -Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche. - -- Austen Briggs -% -Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your -hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental -Anguish. You would sue: - -* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions - section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand - into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls - in there". - -* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious - cretin like yourself. - -* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this - case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you - a large cash settlement anyway. - -- Dave Barry -% -Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often -overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of -dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your -tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to -spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe -money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will -probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? -It's not his money. - -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" -% -LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London) - -Dear Sir, - -I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or -to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in -public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result -in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn -will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed -agricultural industry. - -Yours faithfully, - Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P. - Sevenoaks -% -LEVERAGE: - Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks - about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out. -% -Leveraging always beats prototyping. -% -Lewis's Law of Travel: - The first piece of luggage out of the - chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever. -% -L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare. - -- L. Pasteur -% -Liar, n.: - A lawyer with a roving commission. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth. - -- Oliver Herford -% -LIBERAL: - Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist. -% -Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into -trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you. - -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo -% -Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% -Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have. - -- Harry Emerson Fosdick -% -LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) - Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire - for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone - is watching you, so stop staring like that. -% -LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23) - Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way - to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but - unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out - of bed today. -% -Lie, n.: - A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one - discovered to date. -% -Lieberman's Law: - Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. -% -Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys! - -- Ma Barker -% -LIFE: - A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. -% -LIFE: - Learning about people the hard way -- by being one. -% -LIFE: - That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity. -% -Life -- Love It or Leave It. -% -Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward. - -- Miss November, 1966 -% -Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge. - -- Paul Gauguin -% -Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow. -% -Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth. -It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies. -% -Life exists for no known purpose. -% -Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society -being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible -thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money -system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex. - -- Valerie Solanas -% -Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding -environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a -round container filled with little red fruits on sticks. -% -Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way -out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors. - -- Woody Allen -% -Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it. - -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead" -% -Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more -important than something else. If what already is, is more important -than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what -isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll. - -- Werner Erhard -% -Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed. -% -Life is a glorious cycle of song, -A medley of extemporania; -And love is thing that can never go wrong; -And I am Marie of Roumania. - -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment" -% -Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing. - -- Helen Keller -% -Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed. -% -Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to -change his bed. - -- Charles Baudelaire -% -Life is a series of rude awakenings. - -- R. V. Winkle -% -Life is a serious burden, which no thinking, -humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else. - -- Clarence Darrow -% -Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality. -% -Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. -% -Life is an exciting business, and most -exciting when it is lived for others. -% -Life is both difficult and time consuming. -% -Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you. -% -Life is difficult because it is non-linear. -% -Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. - -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall" -% -Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut. -% -Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits? -% -Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line. -% -Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use. - -- C. Schultz -% -Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to -eat it nevertheless. - -- Flaubert -% -Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it. -% -Life is like a diaper - short and loaded. -% -Life is like a sewer. -What you get out of it depends on what you put into it. - -- Tom Lehrer -% -Life is like a simile. -% -Life is like a tin of sardines. -We're, all of us, looking for the key. - -- Beyond the Fringe -% -Life is like an analogy. -% -Life is like an egg stain on your chin -- -you can lick it, but it still won't go away. -% -Life is like an onion: you peel it off -one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep. - -- Carl Sandburg -% -Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after -layer and then you find there is nothing in it. - -- James Huneker -% -Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was -going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then -being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends. -% -Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're -the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same. -% -Life is not for everyone. -% -Life is one long struggle in the dark. - -- Titus Lucretius Carus -% -Life is the childhood of our immortality. - -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -% -Life is the living you do, -Death is the living you don't do. - -- Joseph Pintauro -% -Life is the urge to ecstasy. -% -Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure. -% -Life is too important to take seriously. - -- Corky Siegel -% -Life is too short to be taken seriously. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Life is too short to stuff a mushroom. - -- Storm Jameson -% -Life is wasted on the living. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe" -% -Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. - -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy" -% -Life, like beer, is merely borrowed. - -- Don Reed -% -Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it. - -- Marvin, from - Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -Life may have no meaning, or, even worse, -it may have a meaning of which you disapprove. -% -Life only demands from you the strength you possess. -Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away. - -- Dag Hammarskjold -% -Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention -of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but -rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, -and loudly proclaiming --WOW---What A RIDE!! -% -Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but -certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and -I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can -afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have -absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more -embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible). -% -Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all. - -- Thomas J. Kopp -% -Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility. - -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie -% -Life without caffeine is stimulating enough. - -- Sanka Ad -% -Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it -weren't for other people. - -- Blore -% -Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. - -- Dave Olson -% -Life would be tolerable but for its amusements. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -Life's too short to dance with ugly women. -% -Lift every voice and sing -Till earth and heaven ring, -Ring with the harmonies of Liberty; -Let our rejoicing rise -High as the listening skies, -Let it resound loud as the rolling sea. - -Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us. -Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us. -Facing the rising sun of our new day begun, -Let us march on till victory is won. - -- James Weldon Johnson -% -Lighten up, while you still can, -Don't even try to understand, -Just find a place to make your stand, -And take it easy. - -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy" -% -LIGHTHOUSE: - A tall building on the seashore in which the government - maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician. -% -LIKE: - When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence. -% -Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate -the difference between one young woman and another. - -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara" -% -Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek, -shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm -as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like -bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood; -she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a -man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the -right road: a man like Alf Romeo. - -- Rachel Sheeley, winner - -The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never -see her little dog Pritzi again. - -- Claudia Fields, runner-up - -It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a -tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it -was determined that Byron was simply a jerk. - -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up - -Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is -named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy -night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the -worst possible novel. -% -Like corn in a field I cut you down, -I threw the last punch way too hard, -After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time, -To throw in my hand for a new set of cards. -And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend, -I figured we'd painted too much of this town, -And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon, -And I knew then I had lost what should have been found, -I knew then I had lost what should have been found. - And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford - I'm as low as a paid assassin is - You know I'm cold as a hired sword. - I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up, - You know I can't think straight no more - You make me feel like a bullet, honey, - a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford. - -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet" -% -Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille -weren't so damned great! - -- Armistead Maupin -% -Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, -if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not -now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe -like the Rolling Stones? - -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote - attributed to Rabbi Hillel.) -% -Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer. -It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches -over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow -His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the -other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their -religions. - -- Benjamin Spock -% -Like punning, programming is a play on words. -% -Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct -a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. - -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. -% -Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking -for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. - -- Alan McKay -% -Like the time I ran away... -And turned around and you were standing close to me. - -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken" -% -Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone. -% -Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the -creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their -essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving -the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting -rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun. - -- Senior Year Quote -% -Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's -place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few: - - Q -- Is there life after death? - A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New -Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian", -then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was -fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have -spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful -headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back -to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I -guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long -as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods. - -- Dave Barry -% -Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions, -wins few friends, Germans excepted. - -- Darwin Porter, "Scandinavia On $50 A Day" -% -Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. -Kennedy exactly one hundred years later in 1946. - -Lincoln was elected president in November 1860. -Kennedy in November 1960. - -Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who urged him not to go to -the theatre. -Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who advised against his going -to Dallas. - -Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and ran off into a warehouse. -Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and ran off into a theatre. - -Lincoln was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson. -Kennedy was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson. - -The first Johnson was born in 1808. -The second Johnson was born in 1908. - - -- Alistair Cooke, "Letter From America", Nov. 26, 2001 -% -Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations. -% -"Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!" -Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged. - -Until he died, and so reached that vicinity: -in it he found that the damned things diverged. - -- Piet Hein -% -Linus: Hi! I thought it was you. - I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great! -Snoopy: That's nice to know. - The secret of life is to look good at a distance. -% -Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. - Maybe we should think only about today. -Charlie Brown: - No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday - will get better. -% -Linus' Law: - There is no heavier burden than a great potential. -% -Lions in the street and roaming, -Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming, -A beast caged in the heart of the city. -The body of his mother lying in the summer ground, -He fled the town. -Went down south across the border, -Left the chaos and disorder -Back there, over his shoulder. -One morning he awoke in a green hotel, -A strange creature groaning beside him. -Sweat oozed from its shiny skin. -Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin. - -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard" -% -LISP: - To call a spade a thpade. -% -Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine, -Lisp Machine is Fun. -Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine, -Fun for everyone. -% -Lisp Users: -Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection. -% -Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out -the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing, -but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the -right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem. -But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of -bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President. -This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects -their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing -that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously -just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even -a panacea so alleged. - -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the - government been lacking in courage and boldness in - facing up to the recession?" -% -Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life -is the other way round. - -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down" -% -Littering is dumb. - -- Ronald Macdonald -% -Little Fly, -Thy summer's play If thought is life -My thoughtless hand And strength & breath, -Has brush'd away. And the want - Of thought is death, -Am not I -A fly like thee? Then am I -Or art not thou A happy fly -A man like me? If I live - Or if I die. - -For I dance -And drink & sing, -Till some blind hand -Shall brush my wing. - -- William Blake, "The Fly" -% -Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse. - -- Lazarus Long -% -Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very -sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkien Ring... -% -Little Known Facts, #23: - Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get - the BMW repair garage? -% -Little Mary on the ice, -Went out to have a frisk, -Now wasn't little Mary nice, -Her pretty *? -% -Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway! - -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature") -% -Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse. - -- James Dean -% -Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night! -% -Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors. -% -Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is -published around the world -- even if what is published is not true. - -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul -% -Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. - -- Josh Billings -% -Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when -you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee. - -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial -% -Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola. -What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits. -% -Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. -What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes. -% -Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night. - -- Candice Bergen -% -Living in New York City gives people real incentives -to want things that nobody else wants. - -- Andy Warhol -% -Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat -like having bees live in your head. But, there they are. -% -Living on Earth may be expensive, but it -includes an annual free trip around the Sun. -% -LIVING YOUR LIFE: - A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before. -% -Lizzie Borden took an axe, -And plunged it deep into the VAX; -Don't you envy people who -Do all the things _Y_O_U want to do? -% -Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools. - -- Henry David Thoreau -% -Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these -interest rates, we don't need it." -% -Lobster: - Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish - about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper - method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your - guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're - cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on - the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the - lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty - eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then - flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will - refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will - squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. - Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly - you and your friends will be, too. - -- Dave Barry, Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances - and Utensils into Excuses and Apologies -% -Lockwood's Long Shot: - The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street - aren't one in a million, but once would be enough. -% -Logic doesn't apply to the real world. - -- Marvin Minsky -% -Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_a_w_f_u_l*. -% -Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad. -% -Logic is the chastity belt of the mind! -% -Logicians have but ill defined -As rational the human kind. -Logic, they say, belongs to man, -But let them prove it if they can. - -- Oliver Goldsmith -% -LOGO for the Dead - -LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from -"The Other Side." - -The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you -turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's -graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this -side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that -your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then -interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program -lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic -Bulletin Board System). - -LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate -from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101. - -- '80 Microcomputing -% -Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence. -% -Lonely is a man without love. - -- Engelbert Humperdinck -% -Lonely men seek companionship. -Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet. -% -Lonesome? - -Like a change? -Like a new job? -Like excitement? -Like to meet new and interesting people? - -JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!! -% -Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency -be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum. -The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young. - -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" -% -Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught. -% -Long life is in store for you. -% -Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and -long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his -pain and his aloneness without regret? - -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet" -% -Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past. -% -Look afar and see the end from the beginning. -% -Look at it this way: -Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought -home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham. -And you're still drinking ordinary scotch? -% -Look at it this way: -Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to -forget $26,000 of college education. -And you're still drinking ordinary scotch? -% -Look before you leap. - -- Samuel Butler -% -Look ere ye leap. - -- John Heywood -% -Look out! Behind you! -% -Look up and not down, look forward and not back, look out and not in, -and lend a hand. - -- Edward Everett Hale, "Lowell Institute Lectures" (1869) -% -Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us -to pay income taxes, too? - -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox -% -Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, -con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this -country was built. - -- Hubert Allen -% -Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie... - -- Stephen Sondheim -% -Loose bits sink chips. -% -Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies. - -- Charles D'Hericault -% -Lord, what fools these mortals be! - -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream" -% -Losing your drivers' license is just -God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!" -% -Lost: gray and white female cat. -Answers to electric can opener. -% -Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy. -% -Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't. -% -Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. - -- Frank Hubbard -% -Lots of girls can be had for a song. -Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march. -% -Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in -Halstead, Kansas. -% -Louie Louie, me gotta go -Louie Louie, me gotta go - -Fine little girl she waits for me -Me catch the ship for cross the sea -Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea -Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly -(chorus) On the ship I dream she there - I smell the rose in her hair -Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo) -It won't be long, me see my love -I take her in my arms and then -Me tell her I never leave again - -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie" -% -LOVE: - I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours. -% -LOVE: - Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope. -% -LOVE: - When, if asked to choose between your lover - and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat. -% -LOVE: - When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears. -% -LOVE: - When you don't want someone too close-- - because you're very sensitive to pleasure. -% -LOVE: - When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning. -% -Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood. -% -Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled. -% -Love America - or give it back. -% -Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. -% -Love at first sight is one of the greatest -labor-saving devices the world has ever seen. -% -Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder. - -- Sigmund Freud -% -Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love. - -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) -% -Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay. -Love isn't love 'til you give it away. - -- Oscar Hammerstein II -% -Love is a grave mental disease. - -- Plato -% -Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell. - -- Matt Groening -% -Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips -over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come. - -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell" -% -Love is a word that is constantly heard, -Hate is a word that is not. -Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. -Love, I have read, is hot. -But hate is the verb that to me is superb, -And Love but a drug on the mart. -Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, -But Hating, my boy, is an Art. - -- Ogden Nash -% -Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and -go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your -arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself. -% -Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real -with the ideal never goes unpunished. - -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -% -Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. - -- Dr. Karl Bowman -% -Love is being stupid together. - -- Paul Valery -% -Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed -around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a -Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself. -% -Love is in the offing. - -- The Homicidal Maniac -% -Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you. -% -Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very -pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love -grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning -and unquenchable. - -- Bruce Lee -% -Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. - -- Jerome K. Jerome -% -Love is never asking why? -% -Love is not enough, but it sure helps. -% -Love is sentimental measles. -% -Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult. -% -Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex -raises some pretty good questions. - -- Woody Allen -% -Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted -pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution. - -- Charles Baudelaire -% -Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness. - -- M. Hirschfield -% -Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself. - -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery -% -Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -Love IS what it's cracked up to be. -% -Love is what you've been through with somebody. - -- James Thurber -% -Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid. -% -Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles. - -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps" -% -Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular -momentum. -% -Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags. - -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise" -% -Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. -% -Love means never having to say you're sorry. - -- Eric Segal, "Love Story" - -That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. - -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?" -% -Love means nothing to a tennis player. -% -Love tells us many things that are not so. - -- Krainian proverb -% -Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach. -% -Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. - -- Louise Beal -% -Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano. -% -Love to eat them mousies, -Mousies I love to eat. -Bite they little heads off, -Nibble at they tiny feet. - -- Kliban -% -Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart, - seized this one for the fair form - that was taken from me-and the way of it afflicts me still. -Love, which absolves no loved one from loving, - seized me so strongly with delight in him, - that, as you see, it does not leave me even now. -Love brought us to one death. - -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06 -% -Love your enemies: they'll go crazy -trying to figure out what you're up to. -% -Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -Lowery's Law: - If it jams -- force it. If it - breaks, it needed replacing anyway. -% -LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. -% -Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: - There's always one more bug. -% -Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable -British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The -Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture -nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British -don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm -beer because they have Lucas refrigerators. -% -Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young. - -- Russell Banks -% -Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet. - -- P. E. Trudeau -% -Lucky, adj.: - When you have a wife and a cigarette - lighter -- both of which work. -% -Lucky is he for whom the belle toils. -% -Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do. - Can't you be serious for once? -Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think - of the more important things in life! - (pause) - Tomorrow!! -% -Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser. - -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew" -% -Lunatic Asylum, n.: - The place where optimism most flourishes. -% -Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable. - -- Bergan Evans -% -Lysistrata had a good idea. -% -Ma Bell is a mean mother! -% -MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that. -% -Machine-Independent, adj.: - Does not run on any existing machine. -% -Machine-independent program: - A program that will not run on any machine. -% -Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate, -and play games -- but not with pleasure. - -- Leo Rosten -% -Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine. - -- Andy Warhol -% -Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the -repairman arrives. -% -Macho does not prove mucho. - -- Zsa Zsa Gabor -% -Mad, adj.: - Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- -if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. - -- W. C. Fields -% -Madison's Inquiry: - If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class? -% -Madness takes its toll. -% -MAFIA, n.: - [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance -Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore -subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is -rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy -reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP -operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that -MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped -variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex -security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a -more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an -imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES -options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay. -Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a -powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and -entire nodal aggravations. - -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" -% -Magary's Principle: - When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any - government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do - the cutting, and the public's services are cut. -% -Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic. -% -Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism - -Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. - -The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works -of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject -with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human -knowledge. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Magnocartic, adj.: - Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping - carts. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Magpie, n.: - A bird whose thievish disposition suggested - to someone that it might be taught to talk. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -MAIDEN AUNT: - A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle." -% -Maiden, n.: - A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and - views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical - distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found. - The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her - piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to - comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to - the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the - canary -- which, also, is more portable. - -Male, n.: - A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the - human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus - has two varieties: good providers and bad providers. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Maier's Law: - If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. - -- N. R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960 - -Corollaries: - 1. The bigger the theory, the better. - 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than - 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to - obtain a correspondence with the theory. -% -Main's Law: - For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. -% -Maintainer's Motto: - If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. -% -Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward! -Seagoon: Only in the holiday season. -Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward! -% -Major premise: - Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man. -Minor premise: - A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. -Conclusion: - Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. - -Secondary Conclusion: - Do you realize how many holes there would be if people - would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? -% -Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly - as one man. - -Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. - -Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Majorities, of course, start with minorities. - -- Robert Moses -% -Majority, n.: - That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. -% -Make a wish, it might come true. -% -Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home. -% -Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist! -% -Make it right before you make it faster. -% -Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood. - -- Daniel Hudson Burnham -% -Make sure your code does nothing gracefully. -% -Make war not sex. (It's safer.) -% -Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users -tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has -been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the -message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. - -- System V.2 administrator's guide -% -Malek's Law: - Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. -% -MALPRACTICE: - The reason surgeons wear masks. -% -Man 1: Ask me. "What is the most important thing about telling a good - joke?" - -Man 2: OK, what is the most impo -- - -Man 1: _T_I_M_I_N_G! -% -Man and wife make one fool. -% -Man belongs wherever he wants to go. - -- Wernher von Braun -% -Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because -he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while -all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good -time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were -far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it. - -- Fred Allen -% -Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments. -% -Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. - -- Lily Tomlin -% -Man is a military animal, -Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade. - -- P. J. Bailey -% -Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon -to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this-- -no dog exchanges bones with another. - -- Adam Smith -% -Man is by nature a political animal. - -- Aristotle -% -Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... -and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. - -- Wernher von Braun -% -Man is the measure of all things. - -- Protagoras -% -Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. - -- Mark Twain -% -Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms -with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. - -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902) -% -Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; -for he is the only animal that is struck with the -difference between what things are and what they ought to be. - -- William Hazlitt -% -Man must shape his tools lest they shape him. - -- Arthur R. Miller -% -Man, n.: - An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks - he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief - occupation is extermination of other animals and his own - species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity - as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Man proposes, God disposes. - -- Thomas a Kempis -% -Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it -is an enemy. - -- Albert Einstein -% -Man who arrives at party two hours late -will find he has been beaten to the punch. -% -Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought. -% -Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self. -% -Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey. -% -Man will never fly. -Space travel is merely a dream. -All aspirin is alike. -% -Management: How many feet do mice have? -Reply: Mice have four feet. -M: Elaborate! -R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet. -M: No discussion of fifth appendage! -R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail. -M: What? Feet with no legs? -R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse. -M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages? -R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body. -M: Does not fully discuss the issue! -R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg - is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail - is not equipped with a foot. -M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO! -R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies, - one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would - constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets. -M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity! -R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined - integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also - attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and - ornamental in nature. -M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question! -R: Mice have four feet. -% -MANAGEMENT: - The art of getting other people to do all the work. -% -MANAGER: - A man known for giving great meeting. -% -Mandrell: "You know what I think?" -Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you - don't think, right?" - -- "Doctor Who" -% -Man-hour, n.: - A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings. -% -Manic-depressive, n.: - Easy glum, easy glow. -% -Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts. - -- Plotinus -% -Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, -dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive -man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the -air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first -primitive umpire. - -What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as -mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers. - -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" -% -Manly's Maxim: - Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion - with confidence. -% -Man's horizons are bounded by his vision. -% -Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens? -% -Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual -conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in. - -- Sydney J. Harris -% -Manual, n.: - A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given - item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information - you need is in the others. - -- Ray Simard -% -Many a bum show has been saved by the flag. - -- George M. Cohan -% -Many a family tree needs trimming. -% -Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It -is not so. It is so. It is not so. - -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack" -% -Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will -get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind. - -- Finley Peter Dunne -% -Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer -can easily support two or more. -% -Many a writer seems to think he is never profound -except when he can't understand his own meaning. - -- George D. Prentice -% -Many are called, few are chosen. -Fewer still get to do the choosing. -% -Many are called, few volunteer. -% -Many are cold, but few are frozen. -% -Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long. -% -Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a -certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the -devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of -their data processing systems. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 -% -Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is -weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and -weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, -but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist, -he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert. - -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed" -% -Many hands make light work. - -- John Heywood -% -Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales. -% -Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance, -the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their -fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the -Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally -read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time -by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They -are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers -successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations -should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still, -while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether. - -- Francis Galton, 1909 -% -Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing -tricks on me and treating me badly. - -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur -% -Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their -life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses. - -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981 -% -Many pages make a thick book. -% -Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very -thin paper. -% -Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice -which will recommend that they do what they want to do. -% -Many people are secretly interested in life. -% -Many people are unenthusiastic about their work. -% -Many people are unenthusiastic about your work. -% -Many people feel that if you won't let -them make you happy, they'll make you suffer. -% -Many people feel that they deserve some kind of -recognition for all the bad things they haven't done. -% -Many people resent being treated like the person they really are. -% -Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do. - -- Bertrand Russell -% -Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say. -% -Many receive advice, few profit by it. - -- Publilius Syrus -% -Many years ago in a period commonly known as Next Friday Afternoon, -there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he -was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how -completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ... - -- Walt Kelly -% -Margaret, are you grieving -Over Goldengrove unleaving? -Leaves, like the things of man, -You, with your fresh thoughts -Care for, can you? -Ah! as the heart grows older -It will come to such sights colder -By and by, nor spare a sigh -Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie -And yet you will weep and know why. -Now no matter, child, the name -Sorrow's springs are the same: -It is the blight man was born for, -It is Margaret you mourn for. - -- Gerard Manley Hopkins -% -Marigold: Jealousy -Mint: Virute -Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness -Orchid: Beauty, magnificence -Pansy: Thoughts -Peach blossom: I am your captive -Petunia: Your presence soothes me -Poppy: Sleep -Rose, any color: Love -Rose, deep red: Bashful shame -Rose, single, pink: Simplicity -Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment -Rose, white: I am worthy of you -Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy -Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love -Rosemary: Remembrance -Sunflower: Haughtiness -Tulip, red: Declaration of love -Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love -Violet, blue: Faithfulness -Violet, white: Modesty -Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends - * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning. -% -Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!". -% -Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students -who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize -it in order to protect themselves. - -- Lenny Bruce -% -Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: - Dentists are incapable of asking questions - that require a simple yes or no answer. -% -MARRIAGE: - An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply - in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing - that love. In short, commitment to an institution. -% -MARRIAGE: - Convertible bonds. -% -Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of -insincerity possible between two human beings. - -- Vicki Baum -% -Marriage causes dating problems. -% -Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle. - -- Edmond About -% -Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention. -% -Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm -not ready for an institution yet. - -- Mae West -% -Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be -surprised at the large number that re-enlist. - -- James Garner -% -Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter. -% -Marriage is a three ring circus: -engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. - -- Roger Price -% -Marriage is an institution in which two undertake -to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing. -% -Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer -exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work -in the brewery. - -- George Jean Nathan -% -Marriage is learning about women the hard way. -% -Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with -chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it. -% -Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - -- Baskins -% -Marriage is not merely sharing the fettuccine, but sharing the -burden of finding the fettuccine restaurant in the first place. - -- Calvin Trillin -% -Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. - -- Voltaire -% -Marriage is the process of finding out what -kind of man your wife would have preferred. -% -Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions. -% -Marriage, n.: - The evil aye. -% -Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth. - -- John Lyly -% -Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months. -% -MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives -connected by a thin strand. - -Come on, Marta, grow up. - -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) -% -MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most -of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its -territory from invasion by another group." - -"Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny. - -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) -% -Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it? -Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software. - -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues" -% -'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me! -What a finely tuned response to the situation! -% -Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass, -and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged -Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend -grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?" - "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've -named a drink Fred?" -% -Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth: - Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants. -% -Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow, -And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go. -It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail. -It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail. -She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels, -And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals. -It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended. -The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended. -The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat, -Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat. -Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her. -So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer. - -- Alma Garcia -% -Maryann's Law: - You can always find what you're not looking for. -% -Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on -the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam -dancing. - -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83 -% -Maslow's Maxim: - If the only tool you have is a hammer, - you treat everything like a nail. -% -Mason's First Law of Synergism: -The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. -% -Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy. -% -Mastery of UNIX, like mastery of language, offers real freedom. The -price of freedom is always dear, but there's no substitute. - -- Thomas Scoville -% -Masturbation is the thinking man's television. - -- Christopher Hampton -% -Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it! - -- Monty Python -% -Mater artium necessitas. - [Necessity is the mother of invention]. -% -Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. - -- Malcolm Smith -% -MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX! - Please, don't drink and derive. - - Mathematicians - Against - Drunk - Deriving -% -Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. - -- R. Drabek -% -Mathematician, n.: - Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's. -% -Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate -into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different. - -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -% -Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is -described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can -play. - -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by - James Blish -% -Mathematicians practice absolute freedom. - -- Henry Adams -% -Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts -to each other without consideration of their relation to experience. - -- Albert Einstein -% -Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what -one is talking about nor whether what is said is true. - -- Russell -% -Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty -- -a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any -part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music, -yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the -greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense -of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is -to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry. - -- Bertrand Russell -% -Matrimony is the root of all evil. -% -Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence. -% -Matter cannot be created or destroyed, -nor can it be returned without a receipt. -% -Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value. -% -[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment -where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand -more and more that there is something which cannot be understood. - -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) -% -Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. - -- Jules Feiffer -% -Matz's Law: - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. -% -May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard -versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz. -% -May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts -% -May all your Emus lay soft boiled eggs, and may all your -Kangaroos be born with iPods already fitted. - -- Aussie New Years wish, found on hasselbladinfo.com -% -May all your PUSHes be POPped. -% -May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual! -% -May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits. -% -May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. -% -May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits. -% -May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may -God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may -he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping. -% -May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse. -% -May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters. -% -May you have many handsome and obedient sons. -% -May you have warm words on a cold evening, -a full moon on a dark night, -and a smooth road all the way to your door. -% -May you live in uninteresting times. - -- Chinese proverb -% -May your camel be as swift as the wind. -% -May your SO always know when you need a hug. -% -May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your -Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels. -% -Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that -lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well. - -- Will Rogers -% -Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. - -- R. S. Barton -% -Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the -earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three. - -- Lazarus Long -% -Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes. -% -Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each -other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone -had to seek professional help. -% -Maybe you can't buy happiness, but -these days you can certainly charge it. -% -May's Law: - The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density - of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.) -% -McDonald's -- Because you're worth it. -% -McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance: - When traveling with a herd of elephants, - don't be the first to lie down and rest. -% -Meader's Law: - Whatever happens to you, it will previously - have happened to everyone you know, only more so. -% -Meade's Maxim: -Always remember that you are absolutely unique, -just like everyone else. -% -Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen; -Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht. -[D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl, -AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd. -[P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye -Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe; -Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse. -Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle. -Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes; -Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?" -Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp -Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe. -"Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete." -Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson -Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen. -Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar, -Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu." -Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng. -% -Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one -has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine -moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging -magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to -have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may -get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem -of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaningful -oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to -hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise -venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc -bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen -aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the -arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable -of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof -to mouth... -% -Measure twice, cut once. -% -Mediocrity finds safety in standardization. - -- Frederick Crane -% -Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge. -% -Meester, do you vant to buy a duck? -% -Meeting, n.: - An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or - department not represented in the room must solve a problem. -% -MEETINGS: - A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost. -% -Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that -corporations and other large organizations habitually engage -in only because they cannot actually masturbate. - -- Dave Barry -% -MEMO: - An interoffice communication too often written more for - the benefit of the person who sends it than the person - who receives it. -% -MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I -remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and -drive and drive. - -I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The -smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we -played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat -some stuff or not and then I think we went home. - -I guess some things never leave you. - -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) -% -Memory fault -- brain fried -% -Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget! -% -Memory fault - where am I? -% -Memory should be the starting point of the present. -% -Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them. - -- Marilyn Monroe -% -Men are superior to women. - -- The Koran -% -Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands. - -- Jayne Mansfield -% -Men aren't attracted to me by my mind. -They're attracted by what I don't mind... - -- Gypsy Rose Lee -% -Men freely believe that what they wish to desire. - -- Julius Caesar -% -Men have a much better time of it than women; for one -thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -Men have as exaggerated an idea of their -rights as women have of their wrongs. - -- Edgar W. Howe -% -Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food. -% -Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science. -% -Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it -from religious conviction. - -- Blaise Pascal, "Pens'ees", 1670 -% -Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them -pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. - -- Winston Churchill -% -Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active. - -- Leonardo da Vinci -% -Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality. -% -Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or -at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments. -% -Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our -pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs -and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious, -inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us -sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness -and acts that are contrary to habit... - -- Hippocrates, "The Sacred Disease" -% -Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them. - -- DeSegur -% -Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples. -% -Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last. -% -Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities. - -- Napoleon Bonaparte -% -Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings, -and speech only to conceal their thoughts. - -- Voltaire -% -Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures -from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. -Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split -before. Thus was the Empire forged. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -Men who cherish for women the highest -respect are seldom popular with them. - -- Joseph Addison -% -Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: - The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. -% -Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: - The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the - cork makes when it is popped. -% -Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: - All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. -% -Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: - Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that - is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city - can never hope to acquire it. -% -Mene, mene, tekel, upharsin. -% -Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to -corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in -favor of smart solutions to stupid problems. - -- Piers Anthony -% -Mental things which have not gone in through the -senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental. - -- Leonardo -% -Menu, n.: - A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. -% -Meskimen's Law: - There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to - do it over. -% -MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched. -% -Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ... -% -Message will arrive in the mail. -Destroy, before the FBI sees it. -% -METEOROLOGIST: - One who doubts the established fact that it is - bound to rain if you forget your umbrella. -% -Metermaids eat their young. -% -methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin- -ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl- -phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu- -taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl- -glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala- -nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta- -minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly- -cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl- -leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu- -cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva- -lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro- -sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu- -cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe- -nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala- -nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas- -partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl- -glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl- -valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu- -cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi- -nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse- -rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl- -glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly- -sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro- -lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl- -glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.: - The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a - 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. - -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and - Preposterous Words -% -Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. -% -MICRO: - Thinker toys. -% -Micro Credo: - Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. -% -Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! -% -Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been -watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks. -% -Microwaves frizz your heir. -% -Mieux vaut tard que jamais! -% -Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to -get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. - -- Signor Ferrari, "Casablanca" (1942) -% -Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" -Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO - inconsiderate." - -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury" -% -Miksch's Law: - If a string has one end, then it has another end. -% -Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either. -% -Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. - -- Groucho Marx -% -Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. - -- Groucho Marx -% -Miller's Slogan: - Lose a few, lose a few. -% -Millihelen, adj.: - The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. -% -Millions long for immortality who do not know what -to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. - -- Susan Ertz -% -Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is -almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee," -they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a -President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their -lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a -stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. -Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the -Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among -the gold and the black. - -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" -% -Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is -particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, -to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. -But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands -shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit -me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail. -% -Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference. -% -Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine. -% -Minicomputer: - A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level - manager. -% -Minnesota -- - home of the blonde hair and blue ears. - mosquito supplier to the free world. - come fall in love with a loon. - where visitors turn blue with envy. - one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold. - land of many cultures -- mostly throat. - where the elite meet sleet. - glove it or leave it. - many are cold, but few are frozen. - land of the ski and home of the crazed. - land of 10,000 Petersons. -% -Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. -% -Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap -pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however. -% -MIPS: - Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed -% -Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images. - -- Jean Cocteau -% -Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. -% -Misery no longer loves company. -Nowadays it insists on it. - -- Russell Baker -% -Misfortune, n.: - The kind of fortune that never misses. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot. -% -Miss, n.: - A title with which we brand unmarried - women to indicate that they are in the market. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Mistakeholder, n.: - A person who depends on accidental features or - implementation errors and so now has a vested - interest in keeping things from being fixed. - -- Chip Morningstar -% -Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. -% -Mistrust first impulses; they are always right. -% -MIT: - The Georgia Tech of the North -% -Mitchell's Law of Committees: - Any simple problem can be made insoluble - if enough meetings are held to discuss it. -% -Mittsquinter, adj.: - A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, - as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there. - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" -% -Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans; -it's lovely to be silly at the right moment. - -- Horace -% -Mixed emotions: - Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff. - With five empty seats. -% -Mix's Law: - There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building. - There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax. -% -MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) - - Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers -2 cups water 2 cups sugar -2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice - Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine - Cinnamon - -Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break -RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar -and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon -juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously -with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top -crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let -steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust -is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. - -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box -% -Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business. - -- P. J. Denning -% -Modem, adj.: - Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An - unfortunate byproduct of kerning. -% -Moderation in all things. - -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence] -% -Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade -themselves that they have a better idea. - -- John Ciardi -% -Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. -% -Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural -function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the -other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the -brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise. -Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite -conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it -is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working -assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it. -Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot -logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology. - -- D. O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior: - A Neuropsychological Theory", 1949 -% -MODESTY: - Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness. -% -Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue. - -- J. K. Galbraith -% -Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending - not to be aware of it. - -- Oliver Herford -% -Moe: Wanna play poker tonight? -Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out. -Moe: So? -Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse. -% -Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day? -Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out. -% -Moebius always does it on the same side. -% -Moebius strippers never show you their back side. -% -Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him -how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week. -The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better. -% -Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet -in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a -hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of -the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane, -but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him. -So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all -over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe, -the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in -the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he -awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally -woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion. - "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously. -% -Molecule, n.: - The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from - the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a - closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit - of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and - the atom in that it is an ion... - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: - If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review - and be implemented it wasn't worth doing. -% -MOMENTUM: - What you give a person when they are going away. -% -Mommy, what happens to your files when you die? -% -Mom's Law: - When they finally do have to take you to the - hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new. -% -Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. -% -Monday, n.: - In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Monday, n.: - In Christian countries, the day after the football game. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two -things we have. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% -Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship. -% -Money cannot buy -The fuel of love -but is excellent kindling. - -To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say, -Is a keen observer of life, -The word intellectual suggests right away -A man who's untrue to his wife. - -- W. H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems" -% -Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you -awfully comfortable while you're being miserable. - -- C. B. Luce -% -Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. - -- Christopher Marlowe -% -Money doesn't talk, it swears. - -- Bob Dylan -% -Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well. - -- Lazarus Long -% -Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. -% -Money is its own reward. -% -Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. -% -Money is the root of all wealth. -% -Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash. - -- Lazarus Long -% -Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next. - -- Sir Edmond Stockdale -% -Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love. -% -Money may not buy happiness, but it sure -puts you in a great bargaining position. -% -Money will say more in one moment than -the most eloquent lover can in years. -% -Moneyliness is next to Godliness. - -- Andries van Dam -% -Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses. - -- H. H. Munro -% -MONOTONY: - Marriage to one woman at a time. -% -MONTANA: - A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television. -% -MONTANA: - Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff. -% -Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place -in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling -of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery. - -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840 -% -Moon, n.: - 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to -hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC). -% -Moore's Constant: - Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody - does something, but no one does what he sets out to do. -% -Mophobia, n.: - Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. -% -More are taken in by hope than by cunning. - -- Vauvenargues -% -More computing sins are committed in the name of efficiency (without -necessarily achieving it) than for any other single reason -- including -blind stupidity. - -- W. A. Wulf -% -More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice. - -- R. S. Surtees -% -More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island. -% -More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants. -% -MORE SPORTS RESULTS: -The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday -night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians -waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for -the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was -broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted -the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities. -At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're -full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials. -% -More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path -leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. -Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. - -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" -% -Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly -religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help. -One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent -man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery -just once?" - The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris, -nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before. -I just want to win one little lottery." - "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at -least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!" -% -Morton's Law: - If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer. -% -Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more -wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types... - -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars" -% -Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: - Don't worry if it doesn't work right. - If everything did, you'd be out of a job. -% -MOSQUITO: - The state bird of New Jersey. -% -Most burning issues generate far more heat than light. -% -Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex -because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs -and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little -eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around -and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the -female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just -dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven -by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the -truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of -them that it doesn't make any difference. - -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every - Teen Should Know" -% -Most folks they like the daytime, - 'cause they like to see the shining sun. -They're up in the morning, - off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun. -But when the sun goes down, - and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun. - -Now there are two sides to this great big world, - and one of them is always night. -If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby, - I guess you're gonna be all right. -Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand. - My eyes just can't stand the light. - -'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long. - -- Carly Simon -% -Most general statements are false, including this one. - -- Alexander Dumas -% -Most of our lives are about proving something, -either to ourselves or to someone else. -% -Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking -difficulties before we get to them. - -- Dr. Frank Crane -% -...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably -useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends, -hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute -and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of -lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from -which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not -speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women -of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution -has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love. - -- Alix Kates Shulman -% -Most of your faults are not your fault. -% -Most people are too busy to have time for anything important. -% -Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and -they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment -to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the -moon. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries. -% -Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently -than they do. - -- Turgenev -% -Most people deserve each other. - -- Shirley -% -Most people don't need a great deal of love -nearly so much as they need a steady supply. -% -Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market. - -- Edgar W. Howe -% -Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion. -% -Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained -only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial -quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs. - -- W. Somerset Maugham -% -Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only. -% -Most people have two reasons for doing anything -- -a good reason, and the real reason. -% -Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are, -at best, reformed or potential lunatics. - -- Susan Sontag -% -Most people need some of their problems -to help take their mind off some of the others. -% -Most people prefer certainty to truth. -% -Most people want either less corruption -or more of a chance to participate in it. -% -Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands, -if you'll consider their unacceptable offer. -% -Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning. -% -Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance. -% -Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who -can't talk for people who can't read. - -- Frank Zappa -% -Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over. -% -Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. - -- Richard Lewis -% -MOTHER: - Half a word. -% -Mother Earth is not flat! -% -Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like. - -- Arnold Bennett -% -Mother is the invention of necessity. -% -Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there -would be so many. -% -Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before. -% -Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they -don't want them to become politicians in the process. - -- John F. Kennedy -% -Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense) -Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense. - -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger" -% -Mount St. Helens should have used earth control. -% -MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING -% -Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal -of the day. -% -Mr. Cole's Axiom: - The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the - population is growing. -% -Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from -the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's -shirts but they're going back. -% -Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could -you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it! -% -Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your -renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but -at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator. -% -Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary -Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free -lessons or what? -% -Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent. -When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was -wrong, "Up to a point." - "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan? -Yokohama isn't it?" - "Up to a point, Lord Copper." - "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?" - "Definitely, Lord Copper." - -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop" -% -MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way. - -- Henry Spencer -% -Much as they like to persuade us differently, lawyers are simply hired -consultants, and at some point you time them out. - -- Craig Partridge -% -Much of the excitement we get out of our work -is that we don't really know what we are doing. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra -% -Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day. -He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face. -"We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should - be shared." -But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more: -First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes... -"Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!" -But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong... -"Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that - with prawns, -Some parsley and some tartar sauce..." -But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung, -His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot, -And now he's going to scoff the lot!" -His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..." -And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen. -and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor... -None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is. -% -Multics is security spelled sideways. -% -"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365, -365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365". He [ten-year-old Truman Henry -Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the -tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes -smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more -than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!" -An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be -as much fun to watch. - -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics" -% -MUMMY: - An Egyptian who was pressed for time. -% -Mummy dust to make me old; -To shroud my clothes, the black of night; -To age my voice, an old hag's cackle; -To whiten my hair, a scream of fright; -A blast of wind to fan my hate; -A thunderbolt to mix it well -- -Now begin thy magic spell! - -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White" -% -Mum's the word. - -- Miguel de Cervantes -% -Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo. - -- Xaviera Hollander - -[The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.] -% -Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot -talk about after dinner. - -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" -% -Murphy was an optimist. -% -Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. -% -Murphy's Law of Research: - Enough research will tend to support your theory. -% -Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem. - -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" -% -Murphy's Laws: - (1) If anything can go wrong, it will. - (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks. - (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will. -% -Murray's Rule: - Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't. -% -Music in the soul can be heard by the universe. - -- Lao Tsu -% -Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people. -% -Must I hold a candle to my shames? - -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" -% -Mustgo, n.: - Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so - long it has become a science project. - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" -% -My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it. - -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel" -% -My analyst told me that I was right out of my head, - But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead. -Because I have got a thing that is unique and new, - To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you. -'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two. - -And you know two heads are better than one. -% -My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I -threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. -First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the -frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up -the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed -forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier -perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through -the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative -crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a -symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state -in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I -really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded -OK. - -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" -% -My best argument against discrimination is quite simple: - -Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if -they can tell one end of a gun from the other? -% -My Bonnie looked into a gas tank, -The height of its contents to see! -She lit a small match to assist her, -Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me. -% -My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms -to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, -only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with -a bulls-eye on the back. - -I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them -said, "So will you." - -- Rodney Dangerfield -% -My brain is my second favorite organ. - -- Woody Allen -% -My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo -of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here". - -- Steven Wright -% -My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want -It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures, - and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits. -It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating - decimal points for the sake of precision. -Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes, - I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me. -It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an - arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers. -It anoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are - over. -Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my - life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever. -% -My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty -nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and, -instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at -a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at -the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which -turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain -that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were -just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that. - -- Hunter S. Thompson -% -"My code is elegant", "Your code is sneaky", "His code is an ugly hack" - -- Colin Percival on irregular verbs -% -My cup hath runneth'd over with love. -% -My darling wife was always glum. -I drowned her in a cask of rum, -And so made sure that she would stay -In better spirits night and day. -% -My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. -Unless there are three other people. - -- Orson Welles -% -My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me. -% -My experience with government is when things are non-controversial, -beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much -is going on. - -- John F. Kennedy -% -My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you. - -- Iphicrates -% -My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose -your ignorance; you cannot replace it." - -- Erich Maria Remarque -% -My father taught me three things: - 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water. - 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight. - 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name. -% -My father was a God-fearing man, but he never -missed a copy of the New York Times, either. - -- E. B. White -% -My father was a saint, I'm not. - -- Indira Gandhi -% -My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce -and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side. - -- Hubert H. Humphrey -% -My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh -Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the -New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors -and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can -somebody think of something to help us win a game?" - "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit -to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul." - -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" -% -My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower, -but they were there to meet the boat. -% -My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so -later I can ask him what he meant. - -- Steven Wright -% -My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, -but always, always, he was right. -% -My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First -she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go -back and dig her up. -% -My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times -as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending -mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU. -I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it -would be better for us both if you were to just log out again. -% -My, how you've changed since I've changed. -% -My idea of roughing it is when room service is late. -% -My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low. -% -My interest is in the future because I am -going to spend the rest of my life there. -% -My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights? - -- MadameX -% -My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, - And a wild young wood-thing bore him! -The ways are fair to his roaming feet, - And the skies are sunlit for him. -As sharply sweet to my heart he seems - As the fragrance of acacia. -My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- - And I wish he were in Asia. - -- Dorothy Parker, part 2 -% -My love runs by like a day in June, - And he makes no friends of sorrows. -He'll tread his galloping rigadoon - In the pathway or the morrows. -He'll live his days where the sunbeams start - Nor could storm or wind uproot him. -My own dear love, he is all my heart -- - And I wish somebody'd shoot him. - -- Dorothy Parker, part 3 -% -My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right -thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -My mind can never know my body, although -it has become quite friendly with my legs. - -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology -% -My mother drinks to forget she drinks. - -- Crazy Jimmy -% -My mother loved children -- she would -have given anything if I had been one. - -- Groucho Marx -% -My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood) -"Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." -For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant. - -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey" -% -My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!" - -- Sue Murphy -% -My My, hey hey -Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten -It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten -Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust -My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten - -It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my -They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die -And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture -When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye -And into the black - -- Neil Young - "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps" -% -My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should -be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties. -% -My only love sprung from my only hate! -Too early seen unknown, and known too late! - -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet" -% -My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. -% -My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -My own dear love, he is strong and bold - And he cares not what comes after. -His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, - And his eyes are lit with laughter. -He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- - Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. -My own dear love, he is all my world -- - And I wish I'd never met him. - -- Dorothy Parker, part 1 -% -My own feelings are perhaps best described by saying that I am -perfectly aware that there is no Royal Road to Mathematics, in other -words, that I have only a very small head and must live with it. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra -% -My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems, -and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be -reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent -to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not -we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand, -slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point -from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now -would be to deny our history, our capabilities. - -- James A. Michener -% -My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life. -% -My pen is at the bottom of a page, -Which, being finished, here the story ends; -'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, -But stories somehow lengthen when begun. - -- Byron -% -My philosophy is: Don't think. - -- Charles Manson -% -My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. - -- Errol Flynn - -Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure. - -- Errol Flynn -% -My rackets are run on strictly American -lines, and they're going to stay that way. - -- Al Capone -% -My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior -spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive -with our frail and feeble mind. - -- Albert Einstein -% -My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I -hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped -in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot -character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off -of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog, -Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful -dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants -to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear -in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind --- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new -part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop -right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children -have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen -exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. - -- Dave Barry -% -My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any -reason to limit myself. - -- Emo Philips -% -My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. -She sells C shells by the seashore. -% -My soul is crushed, my spirit sore -I do not like me anymore, -I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse, -I ponder on the narrow house -I shudder at the thought of men -I'm due to fall in love again. - -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope" -% -My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. - -- Christopher Morley -% -My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago. - -- George Gobel -% -My way of joking is to tell the truth. -That's the funniest joke in the world. - -- Muhammad Ali -% -My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies. -% -Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them. - -- Booth Tarkington -% -Mythology, n.: - The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin, - early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished - from the true accounts which it invents later. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer) -is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good -returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren. - -So, now that you all understand naches, the joke: - -Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee. - "So, how's your daughter?" - "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!" - "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?" - "Yes, that's my Rachel." - "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married - the doctor?" - "Yes, that's her!" - "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?" - "Yes, yes!" - "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!" -% -Nachman's Rule: - When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better. - -- Gerald Nachman -% -Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection. - -- '76 Olympics -% -'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. -Never odd or even. -A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. -Madam, I'm Adam. -Sit on a potato pan, Otis. - -- The Mad Palindromist -% -NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he - says is wrong. -GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says - will be right. - -- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny" -% -Narcolepulacyi, n.: - The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight - to also yawn. - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" -% -Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said -"My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he -goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal -it." -% -Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers -gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I -only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the -stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager -asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he said -- and quite distinctly, -for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; -he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they -were spoken to. -% -Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve -him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your -shop?" - "Of course." - "Have you ever seen me before?" - "Never." - "Then how do you know it was me?" -% -Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful -than the sun." - "Why?", he was asked. - "Because at night we need the light more." -% -Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie. -Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from -his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird! -You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?" -% -National security is in your hands - guard it well. -% -Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of -scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams. - -- Mary Ellen Kelly -% -Natural laws have no pity. -% -Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders -of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to -drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, -or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people -can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you -have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists -for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same -in every country. - -- Hermann Goering -% -Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation -of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the -fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be -creamed? - -- Solomon Short -% -Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset. - -- Clare Booth Luce -% -Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, -God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. - -It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! -Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. -% -Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely -given them little. - -- Dr. Samuel Johnson -% -Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it -cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. - -- Fran Lebowitz -% -Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be -tolerated until they acquire some sense. - -- William Phelps -% -Nature to all things fixed the limits fit, -And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit. -As on the land while here the ocean gains, -In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains; -Thus in the soul while memory prevails, -The solid power of understanding fails; -Where beams of warm imagination play, -The memory's soft figures melt away. - -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?) -% -Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed. - -- Francis Bacon -% -Near the Studio Jean Cocteau -On the Rue des Ecoles -lived an old man -with a blind dog -Every evening I would see him -guiding the dog along -the sidewalk, keeping -a firm grip on the leash -so that the dog wouldn't -run into a passerby -Sometimes the dog would stop -and look up at the sky -Once the old man -noticed me watching the dog -and he said, "Oh, yes, -this one knows -when the moon is out, -he can feel it on his face" - -- Barry Gifford -% -Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you -want to test a man's character, give him power. - -- Abraham Lincoln -% -Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I -have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong. - -- Brent Welch -% -Necessity has no law. - -- St. Augustine -% -Necessity hath no law. - -- Oliver Cromwell -% -Necessity is a mother. -% -"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity -is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth. - -- Alfred North Whitehead -% -Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. -It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves. - -- William Pitt, 1783 -% -Neckties strangle clear thinking. - -- Lin Yutang -% -Needs are a function of what other people have. -% -Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty. - -- Napoleon -% -Neil Armstrong tripped. -% -Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so. -% -Nemo me impune lacessit - [No one provokes me with impunity] - -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland -% -Nerd pack, n.: - Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling - clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be - measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling - in his pack. -% -Network packets are like buses. You wait all day, and then 3Com -along at once. -% -Neuroses are red, - Melancholia's blue. -I'm schizophrenic, - What are you? -% -Neurotics build castles in the sky, -Psychotics live in them, -And psychiatrists collect the rent. -% -Neutrinos are into physicists. -% -Neutrinos have bad breadth. -% -Neutron bomb, n.: - An explosive device of limited military value because, as - it only destroys people without destroying property, it - must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property. -% -Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy. - -- Linda Festa -% -Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. -Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage. - -- Lazarus Long -% -Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference. -% -Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested. -% -Never ask the barber if you need a haircut. -% -Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. - -- Anonymous -% -Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. -Professionals built the Titanic. -% -Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. -% -Never buy from a rich salesman. - -- Goldenstern -% -Never buy what you do not want -because it is cheap; it will be dear to you. - -- Thomas Jefferson -% -Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him. -% -Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you. -% -Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off. -% -Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. -% -Never do programs contain so few bugs as when no debugging tools -are available. - -- Niklaus Wirth -% -Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow. -% -Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled -with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change -into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the -window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.) -% -Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water. -% -Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc. -And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. - -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know" -% -Never eat more than you can lift. - -- Miss Piggy -% -Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're -absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth. -% -Never explain. Your friends do not need it -and your enemies will never believe you anyway. - -- Elbert Hubbard -% -Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning. - -- Marlo Thomas -% -Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry. -% -Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you. -% -Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose. -% -Never give an inch! -% -Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. - -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints" -% -Never have children, only grandchildren. - -- Gore Vidal -% -Never have so many understood so little about so much. - -- James Burke -% -Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat. -% -Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river. -% -Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting. - -- Billy Rose -% -Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. - -- Quentin Crisp -% -Never kick a man, unless he's down. -% -Never laugh at live dragons. - -- Bilbo Baggins, "The Hobbit" -% -Never leave anything to chance; -make sure all your crimes are premeditated. -% -Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - -- Erma Bombeck -% -Never let someone who says it cannot be done -interrupt the person who is doing it. -% -Never let your schooling interfere with your education. -% -Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. - -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" -% -Never look a gift horse in the mouth. - -- Saint Jerome -% -Never look up when dragons fly overhead. -% -Never make anything simple and efficient when a -way can be found to make it complex and wonderful. -% -Never miss a good chance to shut up. -% -Never negotiate with the United States unless you have a nuclear -weapon. - -- Former deputy defense minister of India -% -Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. - -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 -% -Never offend with style when you can offend with substance. -% -Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt. -% -Never play pool with anyone named "Fats". -% -Never promise more than you can perform. - -- Publilius Syrus -% -Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. - -- D. Gries -% -Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. -% -Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after. -% -Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a -law against it by that time. -% -Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection -unprotected. - -- Robert Orben -% -Never reveal your best argument. -% -Never say "Oops" in an operating room. -% -Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him. -% -Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower. -% -Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. - -- Nelson Algren -% -Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on -that subject. - -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand -% -NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle. -% -Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks -in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm -tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay -On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..." - -- Lenny Bruce -% -Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient. -% -Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to -do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. - -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr. -% -Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. - -- Steinbach -% -Never test the depth of the water with both feet. -% -Never trust a child farther than you can throw it. -% -Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself. -% -Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal. - -- John Dillinger -% -Never trust an operating system. -% -Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg. -% -Never trust anyone who says money is no object. -% -Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain -sex to a virgin. - -- Robert A. Heinlein - -(Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.) -% -Never try to outstubborn a cat. - -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" -% -Never try to teach a pig to sing. -It wastes your time and annoys the pig. -% -Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. - -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS -% -Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon. -% -Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. - -- Robert A. Heinlein -% -Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where -there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc. -% -Never volunteer for anything. - -- Lackland -% -Never worry about theory as long as the -machinery does what it's supposed to do. - -- Robert A. Heinlein -% -New, adj.: - Different color from previous model. -% -New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. -% -New England Life, of course. Why do you ask? -% -New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in -any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe. -% -New members are urgently needed in the Society -for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. -% -New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area. - -- Monty Python's Big Red Book -% -New release: - Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting - time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this - rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait. -% -New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his -age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it. - -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary -% -New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors. -% -New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around -whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. - -- David Letterman -% -New York-- to that tall skyline I come -Flyin' in from London to your door -New York-- lookin' down on Central Park -Where they say you should not wander after dark. -New York. - -- Simon and Garfunkel -% -New York's got the ways and means; -Just won't let you be. - -- The Grateful Dead -% -Newlan's Truism: - An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the - government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. -% -Newman's Discovery: - Your best dreams may not come true; - fortunately, neither will your worst dreams. -% -NEWS FLASH!! - Today the East German pole-vault champion - became the West German pole-vault champion. -% -news: gotcha -% -NEWSFLASH!! - Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at -1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down. -It was. Age 31. -% -Newspaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then -print the chaff. - -- Adlai E. Stevenson -% -Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. -% -Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: - A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. -% -Next Friday will not be your lucky day. -As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year. -% -Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. - -- Foghorn Leghorn -% -Nice guys don't finish nice. -% -Nice guys finish last. - -- Leo Durocher -% -Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in. - -- Evan Davis -% -Nice guys get sick. -% -Nick the Greek's Law of Life: - All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against. -% -Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder. -% -Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. -God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. - -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters" -% -Nihilism should commence with oneself. -% -Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his -name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into -(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, -but Americans call him by value. -% -Nine megs for the secretaries fair, -Seven megs for the hackers scarce, -Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, -Three megs for system source; - -One disk to rule them all, -One disk to bind them, -One disk to hold the files -And in the darkness grind 'em. -% -Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes -And tapes without any tracks; -Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes -And tapes mixed up on the racks -- - Take hold of the tape - And pull off the strip, - And then you'll be sure - Your tape drive will skip. - - -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes -% -Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation. - -- Henry Kissinger -% -Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. -The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much. - -- Augustine -% -Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: - The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of - the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. -% -Nirvana? That's the place where the powers -that be and their friends hang out. - -- Zonker Harris -% -Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing -else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow -the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked. - -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye" -% -No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. - -- Aesop -% -No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck. -% -No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail. -% -No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless -absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation. - -- Fran Lebowitz -% -No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings. - -- William Blake -% -No brainer, n.: - A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope, - is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally. -% -No character, however upright, is a match for -constantly reiterated attacks, however false. - -- Alexander Hamilton -% -No Civil War picture ever made a nickel. - -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about - film rights to "Gone With the Wind". - Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" -% -No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a -camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform -effectively under such difficult conditions. - -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter -% -No directory. -% -No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon -lectures which are really worth the attending. - -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations" -% -No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself -on the grounds that it was human nature. -% -No, "Eureka" is Greek for "This bath is too hot." - -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" -% -No evil can happen to a good man. - -- Plato -% -No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness. - -- Aristotle -% -No extensible language will be universal. - -- T. Cheatham -% -No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl; -no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman. - -- Landor -% -No group of professionals meets except to -conspire against the public at large. - -- Mark Twain -% -No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that -he will not become a nuisance after three days. - -- Titus Maccius Plautus -% -No guts, no glory. -% -No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware -until three software guys have signed off for it. - -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum -% -No, his mind is not for rent -To any god or government. -Always hopeful, yet discontent, -He knows changes aren't permanent - -But change is. -% -No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets. -% -No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. -It should be of the hill, belonging to it. - -- Frank Lloyd Wright -% -No, I don't have a drinking problem. -I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem! -% -No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is -just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone -and Telegraph Company. - -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking - machine, 1943. -% -No is no negative in a woman's mouth. - -- Sidney -% -No job too big; no fee too big! - -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghostbusters" -% -No line available at 300 baud. -% -No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of -absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. -Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness -within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more. -Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and -doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone -of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone. - -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House" -% -No maintenance: - Impossible to fix. -% -No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost -interest in hair restorers. - -- Austin O'Malley -% -No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating -one peanut. - -- Channing Pollock -% -No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the -Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, -Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if -a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes -me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know -for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee. - -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland" -% -No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. -% -No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list. -% -No man is useless who has a friend, -and if we are loved we are indispensable. - -- Robert Louis Stevenson -% -No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next. - -- Edgar W. Howe -% -No man's ambition has a right to stand in -the way of performing a simple act of justice. - -- John Altgeld -% -No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher -than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination. - -- Lenin, 1918 -% -No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night -with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck. -But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification -in the afternoons. - -- Salvador Dali -% -No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up. -% -No matter how much you do you never do enough. -% -No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for -signs of improvement. - -- Florida Scott-Maxwell -% -No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously -cramp his style. -% -No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would. -% -No matter what other nations may say about the United States, -immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery. -% -No matter where I go, the place is always called "here". -% -No matter who you are, some scholar can show you -the great idea you had was had by someone before you. -% -No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, -th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns. - -- Mr. Dooley -% -No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an -unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway. - -- Arthur Binstead -% -No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it -all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly -the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these -republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it -ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under -every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best. - -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816 -% -No one becomes depraved in a moment. - -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis -% -No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. -% -No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a -dirty little beast. - -- W. S. Gilbert -% -No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. - -- Eleanor Roosevelt -% -No one can put you down without your full cooperation. -% -No one gets sick on Wednesdays. -% -No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid. -% -No one has a higher opinion of him than he has. - -- Greg Lehey, FreeBSDcon 1999 -% -No one knows like a woman how to say -things that are at once gentle and deep. - -- Hugo -% -No one knows what he can do till he tries. - -- Publilius Syrus -% -No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars. - -- Quintus Ennius -% -No one should have to wait until after ten o'clock for his english muffin! - -- Snoopy -% -No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the -one who's giving it. - -- Hal Chadwick -% -NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS - -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907 -% -No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval -system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of -the author. - -- Chris Shaw -% -No pig should go sky diving during monsoon -For this isn't really the norm. -But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon, -So what? Any pork in a storm. - -No pig should go sky diving during monsoon, -It's risky enough when the weather is fine. -But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar -Cast even more perils before swine. -% -No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- -He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. -Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame -And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. - (refrain) -Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails -And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. -All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff -But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" - (refrain) -Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. -The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. -A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, -But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! - (refrain) -Refrain: - Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, - And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. - Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, - And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. -% -No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of -them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe -their wish has been granted. - -- W. H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand" -% -No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances. -% -No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. - -- C. Schulz -% -No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. -% -"No program is perfect," -They said with a shrug. -"The customer's happy-- -What's one little bug?" - -But he was determined, Then change two, then three more, -The others went home. As year followed year. -He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment, -Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?" - -Night passed into morning. He died at the console -The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst -With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried -"I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first. - -Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears -Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate. -"I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone, -"Just change one instruction." He's just working late." - -- The Perfect Programmer -% -No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied -occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an -indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence -different from the one identified by the given indication as an -indication-applied occurrence. - -- ALGOL 68 Report -% -No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious. -% -No rock so hard but that a little wave -May beat admission in a thousand years. - -- Tennyson -% -No self-made man ever did such a good job -that some woman didn't want to make some alterations. - -- Kin Hubbard -% -No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of -paper. - -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was - taken over by Rupert Murdoch -% -No skis take rocks like rental skis! -% -No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary -for that purpose to keep awake all day. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible. -% -No sooner had Edger Allen Poe -Finished his old Raven, -then he started his Old Crow. -% -No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth. - -- Quintus Ennius -% -No spitting on the Bus! -Thank you, The Management. -% -No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk. - -- Richard M. Nixon -% -No two persons ever read the same book. - -- Edmund Wilson -% -No use getting too involved in life -- -you're only here for a limited time. -% -No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture! - -- Sherlock Holmes -% -No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner. - -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar -% -No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of -him than he deserves. - -- Edgar W. Howe -% -No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo. -Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop! -% -No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today. -% -No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow. -% -Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest. -% -Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing -it. - -- Tallulah Bankhead -% -Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning. -% -Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. - -- Kin Hubbard -% -Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something. -% -NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION. -% -Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel -limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good -if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We -shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact; -that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too. -It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks. - -- Liv Ullman -% -Nobody knows the trouble I've been. -% -Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears. - -- Roy Harper -% -Nobody loves me, -Everybody hates me, -I think I'll go out and eat worms. -I'm gonna cut their heads off, -Eat their insides out, -And throw way the skins. -Big, fat, juicy ones, -Little, skinny, cute ones, -Watch how they wiggle and they squirm. -% -Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married. -And then it's too late. -% -Nobody said computers were going to be polite. -% -Nobody shot me. - -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police - who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the - Saint Valentine's Day Massacre. - -Only Capone kills like that. - -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre - -The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran. - -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre -% -Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order -for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of -their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old. - -- Lewis Lapham -% -Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out -your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's -different. - -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P. - O'Brien, instructions to the force. -% -Nobody wants constructive criticism. -It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise. -% -Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start -coming in late and lying about it. -% -nohup rm -fr /& -% -Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has -merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid. - -- Mark Twain -% -Nolo contendere: - A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do - it again." -% -Nominal egg: - New Yorkerese for expensive. -% -Noncombatant, n.: - A dead Quaker. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable. - -- M. J. 0'Donnell -% -Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. -% -None love the bearer of bad news. - -- Sophocles -% -None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary -to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one -ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a -job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing -forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient -he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a -state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the -"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible. - -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work" -% -Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: - Negative expectations yield negative results. - Positive expectations yield negative results. -% -Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it. - -- Heisenberg -% -Nonsense and beauty have close connections. - -- E. M. Forster -% -Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades. -% -Noone ever built a statue to a critic. -% -No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good -intentions. He had money as well. - -- Margaret Thatcher -% -Norbert Wiener was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Wiener was, in -fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they -moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely -useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since -she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had -moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to -him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He -reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled -some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and -threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the -old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they -had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of -paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There -was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where -he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Wiener -and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the -young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget." - The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the -story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't -quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it, -however, was pretty close to what actually happened... - -- Richard Harter -% -Norm: Hey, everybody. -All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.] -Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.] - Norm! (Norman.) - How are you feeling today, Norm? - Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer. - -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash - -Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: Zsa-Zsa marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer. - Film at eleven. - -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar - -Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better. - -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone -% -Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps. - -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter - -Coach: How's life treating you, Norm? -Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife. - -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's - -Coach: How's life, Norm? -Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach. - -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants -% -[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.] - -Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera? -Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe. - -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest - -Coach: What's up, Normie? -Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach. - -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2) - -Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie? -Norm: Going down? - -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom -% -[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.] - -Off-screen crowd: Norm! -Sam: How the hell do they know him here? -Cliff: He's got a life, you know. - -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity - -Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: Elope with my wife. - -- Cheers, The Triangle - -Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie. - -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please? -% -[Norm is angry.] - -Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: Clifford Clavin's head. - -- Cheers, The Triangle - -Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm? -Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy, - and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear. - -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle - -Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie? -Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp. - -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day -% -[Norm returns from the hospital.] - -Coach: What's up, Norm? -Norm: Everything that's supposed to be. - -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom - -Sam: What's new, Normie? -Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach. - They're demanding beer. - -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter - -Coach: What'll it be, Normie? -Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel. - -- Cheers, King of the Hill -% -[Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.] -Norm: Afternoon, everybody! -All: Anton! - -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm - -Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, "Insert beer here." - -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible - -Sam: What can I get you, Norm? -Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding. - Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers. - -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd -% -Normal times may possibly be over forever. -% -Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other -reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates, -although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed -their courses. - -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn" -% -Nostalgia is living life in the past lane. -% -Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be. -% -Not all men who drink are poets. -Some of us drink because we aren't poets. -% -Not all who own a harp are harpers. - -- Marcus Terentius Varro -% -Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't -make you live longer -- it just seems that way. -% -Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to -the capitalist mode of production. - -- Herbert Marcuse -% -Not every question deserves an answer. -% -Not everything worth doing is worth doing well. -% -Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the -Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats -in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the -moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a -dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every -respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside -it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, -then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they -chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ... - -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" -% -Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none. - -- William Shakespeare -% -Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is -ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree. - -- Professor W., EECS, George Washington University - -I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year. - -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis -% -Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad. - -- Rob Pike -% -Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a -serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can. - -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" -% -Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand. - -- Spinoza -% -Not to mention the fact that most of the good code for PC minix seems -to have been written by Bruce Evans. - -- Linus Torvalds, comp.os.minix, Jan. 1992 -% -NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given. -All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes -all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these -features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system -abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark -attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis, -local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure, -invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction -surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive -electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated -chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices, -premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant -uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins, -and/or frogs falling from the sky. -% -Note: The system panics with a "NULL pointer dereference" message - -Failed due to: SunOS 5.8 is installed. - -- Output of a SunCheckup run on a Solaris 8 machine -% -Note to myself: use real bullets next time. -% -Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of -wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is -astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- -unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful -not to make any poultry jokes. - -- Woody Allen -% -Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -Nothing can be done in one trip. - -- Snider -% -Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. -% -Nothing endures but change. - -- Heraclitus - [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.] -% -Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a -proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it. - -- John Keats -% -Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result. - -- Winston Churchill - -Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as -satisfying as an income tax refund. - -- F. J. Raymond -% -Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. -% -Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses. -% -Nothing is as simple as it seems at first - Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle - Or as finished as it seems in the end. -% -Nothing is but what is not. -% -Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example. -% -Nothing is faster than the speed of light. - -To prove this to yourself, try opening the -refrigerator door before the light comes on. -% -Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done. -% -Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. - -- Andrew Young -% -Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. - -- A. H. Weiler -% -Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which -millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. - -- Nero Wolfe -% -Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey. -% -Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature. -She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know. - -- Michel de Montaigne -% -Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity. - -- Ebner-Eschenbach -% -Nothing lasts forever. -Where do I find nothing? -% -Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute. -% -Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. -Conscience makes egotists of us all. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all. - -- Arthur Balfour -% -Nothing motivates a man more than to -see his boss put in an honest day's work. -% -Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely -repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because -the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult -which can be offered to a personality. - -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) -% -Nothing recedes like success. - -- Walter Winchell -% -Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at -which the hearer is permitted to laugh. - -- Quentin Crisp -% -Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. - -- Mark Twain -% -Nothing succeeds like success. - -- Alexandre Dumas -% -Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success. - -- Christopher Lascl -% -Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. - -- Charlie Brown -% -Nothing that's forced can ever be right, -If it doesn't come naturally, leave it. -That's what she said as she turned out the light, -And we bent our backs as slaves of the night, -Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars -She got from trying to fight -Saying, oh, you'd better believe it. -[...] -Well nothing that's real is ever for free -And you just have to pay for it sometime. -She said it before, she said it to me, -I suppose she believed there was nothing to see, -But the same old four imaginary walls -She'd built for livin' inside -I said oh, you just can't mean it. -[...] -Well nothing that's forced can ever be right, -If it doesn't come naturally, leave it. -That's what she said as she turned out the light, -And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right, -But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost -The veil that covered her eyes, -I said oh, you can leave it. - -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It" -% -Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee. - -- Kin Hubbard -% -Nothing will ever be attempted -if all possible objections must be first overcome. - -- Dr. Johnson -% -NOTICE: - Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will - be summarily put out. -% -NOTICE: - --- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY -- - -(The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.) -% -Nouvelle cuisine, n.: - French for "not enough food". - -Continental breakfast, n.: - English for "not enough food". - -Tapas, n.: - Spanish for "not enough food". - -Dim Sum, n.: - Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life. -% -November, n.: - The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery: - - When comes the revolution, things will be different -- - not better, just different. -% -Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature. -% -Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure; -Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure. - -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan" -% -Now I lay me back to sleep. -The speaker's dull; the subject's deep. -If he should stop before I wake, -Give me a nudge for goodness' sake. - -- Anonymous -% -Now I lay me down to sleep -I pray the double lock will keep; -May no brick through the window break, -And, no one rob me till I awake. -% -Now I lay me down to sleep, -I pray the Lord my soul to keep, -If I should die before I wake, -I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!" -% -Now I lay me down to study, -I pray the Lord I won't go nutty. -And if I fail to learn this junk, -I pray the Lord that I won't flunk. -But if I do, don't pity me at all, -Just lay my bones in the study hall. -Tell my teacher I've done my best, -Then pile my books upon my chest. -% -Now is the time for all good men to come to. - -- Walt Kelly -% -Now is the time for drinking; -now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot. - -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) -% -Now it's time to say goodbye -To all our company... -M-I-C (see you next week!) -K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!) -M-O-U-S-E. -% -Now of my threescore years and ten, -Twenty will not come again, -And take from seventy springs a score, -It leaves me only fifty more. - -And since to look at things in bloom -Fifty springs are little room, -About the woodlands I will go -To see the cherry hung with snow. - -- A. E. Housman -% -Now that day wearies me, -My yearning desire -Will receive more kindly, -Like a tired child, the starry night. - -Hands, leave off your deeds, -Mind, forget all thoughts; -All of my forces -Yearn only to sink into sleep. - -And my soul, unguarded, -Would soar on widespread wings, -To live in night's magical sphere -More profoundly, more variously. - -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep" -% -Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time -some housewife or boutique owner turned diet expert appears on TV to plug -her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee -cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions: - -1: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food? -2: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich - exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? -3: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed... - without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the - occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make - you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.) - -That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. -% -Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called -Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that -were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ... - -- "The Begatting of a President" -% -Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide," -or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought." - -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ -% -Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game: -you can win or you can lose or it can rain. - -- Casey Stengel -% -Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a -smurfette. - -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354 -% -Nowlan's Theory: - He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from - the next freeway exit. -% -Now's the time to have some big ideas -Now's the time to make some firm decisions -We saw the Buddha in a bar down south -Talking politics and nuclear fission -We see him and he's all washed up -- -Moving on into the body of a beetle -Getting ready for a long long crawl -He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all... - -Death and Money make their point once more -In the shape of Philosophical assassins -Mark and Danny take the bus uptown -Deadly angels for reality and passion -Have the courage of the here and now -Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas -When you think you got it paid in full -You got nothing -- you got nothing at all... - We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha. - We know his name and he mustn't get away. - We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha. - It would take one shot -- to blow him away... - -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddha" -% -Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years. - -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation, - manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York - Times, June 10, 1955. -% -[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. - -- Edwin Meese III -% -Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile. - -- Karl Lehenbauer -% -Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of -normal routines, for children and adults alike. - -- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack" -% -Nuclear war would really set back cable. - -- Ted Turner -% -Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. -% -Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus. -% -Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark. -% -(null cookie; hope that's ok) -% -Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. - -- Seneca -% -Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing. -% -Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid. -Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together. -Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating? -Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other. -% -Nusbaum's Rule: - The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the - organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the - Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted - to IBM, GM, and AT&T.) -% -O! If I were a fish -I'd lay hap'ly on my dish. -Yes, that's my one and only wish -- -To be a fish! - -For fish don't ever mish; -They needn't flush after they pish! -Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish, -For all the fish!!! -% -O give me a home, -Where the buffalo roam, -Where the deer and the antelope play, -Where seldom is heard -A discouraging word, -'Cause what can an antelope say? -% -O imitators, you slavish herd! - -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) -% -O, it is excellent -To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous -To use it like a giant. - -- William Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2 -% -O Lord, grant that we may always be right, -for Thou knowest we will never change our minds. -% -O love, could thou and I with fate conspire -To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire, -Might we not smash it to bits -And mould it closer to our hearts' desire? - -- Omar Khayyam, tr. Fitzgerald -% -Oatmeal raisin. -% -Objects are lost only because people -look where they are not rather than where they are. -% -O'Brian's Law: - Everything is always done for the wrong reasons. -% -O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the -thumb hidden and the four fingers extended. - "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?" - "Four." - "And if the Party says that it is not four but five -- - then how many?" - "Four." - The word ended in a gasp of pain. - -- George Orwell -% -Observe yon plumed biped fine. -To activate its captivation, -Deposit on its termination, -A quantity of particles saline. -% -Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal. -% -Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred. - -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28, - 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view - of the grandstands. -% -Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide. -% -OCCAM'S ERASER: - The philosophical principle that even the simplest - solution is bound to have something wrong with it. -% -Occident, n.: - The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is - largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the - Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, - which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, - are the principal industries of the Orient. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -OCEAN: - A body of water occupying about two-thirds - of a world made for man -- who has no gills. -% -Odets, where is thy sting? - -- George S. Kaufman -% -Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal. -% -Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: -to know so much and have control over nothing. - -- Herodotus -% -Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the -reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest -amount of hot air. - -- Thomas L. Martin -% -Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. - -- Plato -% -Of all the words of witch's doom -There's none so bad as which and whom. -The man who kills both which and whom -Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom. - -- Fletcher Knebel -% -Of all things man is the measure. - -- Protagoras -% -Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between -husband and wife. -% -Of course it's possible to love a human being -if you don't know them too well. - -- Charles Bukowski -% -Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power -tools aren't soluble in alcohol... - -- Crazy Nigel -% -Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon. -After awhile you'd run out of air to push against. -% -Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose. -% -Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of -TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer. -% -Office Automation, n.: - The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office - by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee. -% -Official Project Stages: - 1. Uncritical Acceptance - 2. Wild Enthusiasm - 3. Dejected Disillusionment - 4. Total Confusion - 5. Search for the Guilty - 6. Punishment of the Innocent - 7. Promotion of the Non-participants -% -Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses -lampposts -- for support rather than illumination. -% -Often things ARE as bad as they seem! -% -Ogden's Law: - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. -% -Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home! -% -Oh, by the way, which one's Pink? - -- Pink Floyd -% -Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo! -% -Oh don't the days seem lank and long -When all goes right and none goes wrong, -And isn't your life extremely flat -With nothing whatever to grumble at! -% -Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do? -They're burning our streets and beating me blue. -"Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth: -Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes." - -Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove, -I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth. -"Now listen my son, although you're confused, -Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes." - -Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share. -What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare? -"Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware. -Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair." - -Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care? -Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair? -"Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair: -Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair." -% -Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me -As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee. -Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes, -And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles, -Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon, - see if I don't. - -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz -% -Oh, give me a home, -Where the buffalo roam, -And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen. -% -Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus - Where the three-body problem is solved, - Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K, - And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus) -We eat algae pie, our vacuum is high, - Our ball bearings are perfectly round. - Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed, - And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus) -If we run out of space for our burgeoning race - No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch - When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart, - If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus) -I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space, - And living up here is a bore. - Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye - 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus) - -CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange, - Where the space debris always collects, - We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams: - Solar power and zero-gee sex. - -- to Home on the Range -% -Oh give me your pity! -I'm on a committee, We attend and amend -Which means that from morning And contend and defend - to night, Without a conclusion in sight. - -We confer and concur, -We defer and demur, We revise the agenda -And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda - And consider a load of reports. - -We compose and propose, -We suppose and oppose, But though various notions -And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions, - There's terribly little gets done. - -We resolve and absolve; -But we never dissolve, -Since it's out of the question for us -To bring our committee -To end like this ditty, -Which stops with a period, thus. - -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee" -% -"Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the -dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time -and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but, -you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the -ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he -wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning -last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and -buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them. -He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth -and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for -their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for -another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa -said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't -know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog." - -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning" -% -Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay - I muck with indices and structs all day -And when it works, I shout hoo-ray - Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay -% -Oh, I could while away the hours, -Smoking herbs and flowers, -Shooting up my veins, - De-dum, De-dum, De-dum -Tell you, I've been a-thinkin' -I could drive a shiny Lincoln, -If I dealt in good cocaine. - -- To "If I Only Had A Brain" from "The Wizard of Oz" -% -Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd -be irresponsible, too. - -- Lichty & Wagner -% -Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, -And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; -Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth -Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things -You have not dreamed of -- -Wheeled and soared and swung -High in the sunlit silence. -Hovering there -I've chased the shouting wind along and flung -My eager craft through footless halls of air. -Up, up along delirious, burning blue -I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, -Where never lark, or even eagle flew; -And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod -The high untrespassed sanctity of space, -Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. - -- John Gillespie Magee, Jr., "High Flight" -% -Oh I'm just a typical American boy -From a typical American town. -I believe in God and Senator Dodd -And keeping old Castro down. -And when it came my time to serve -I knew "Better Dead Than Red", -But when I got to my old draft board, -Buddy, this is what I said: - -Chorus: - Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen, - And I always carry a purse! - I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat, - And my asthma's getting worse! - Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear, - And my poor old invalid aunt! - Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school - And I'm a-working in a defense plant! - -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag" -% -Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD? -My friends all got sources, so why can't I see? -Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me: -To hell with the lawyers from AT&T! -% -Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one -arch-enemy -- and that is life. - -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele" -% -Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts -- -it's what you do with what you have left. - -- Hubert H. Humphrey -% -Oh no my dear, I'm a very good man. I'm just a very bad wizard. - -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz" -% -Oh, so there you are! -% -Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea. -He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me. -No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee. -He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! - -- The Smothers Brothers -% -Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is. - -- Gaius Valerius Catullus -% -Oh wad some power the giftie gie us -To see oursel's as others see us! -It wad frae monie a blunder free us, -And foolish notion. - -- Robert Burns, National Poet of Scotland, 1759-1796 -% -Oh wearisome condition of humanity! -Born under one law, to another bound. - -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke -% -Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. -% -Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. - -- William Shakespeare -% -Oh, when I was in love with you, - Then I was clean and brave, -And miles around the wonder grew - How well did I behave. - -And now the fancy passes by, - And nothing will remain, -And miles around they'll say that I - Am quite myself again. - -- A. E. Housman -% -Oh, wow! Look at the moon! -% -Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me "Johnson"! Well, you can call me "Ray", or -you can call me "Jay", or you can call me "R. J.", or you can call me "Ray -J.", or you can call me "R. J. J.", or you can call me "Ray J. Johnson", or -you can call me "R. J. Johnson", but ya DOESN'T have to call me "Johnson" ... -% -Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone. - -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane" -% -O.K., fine. -% -Ok, note to all reading this: if I ask for information and you don't -have the information available, don't bother sending me an e-mail -just to tell me that you don't have the information available. Wait -until you do have the information available, and then e-mail me. You'll -save precious time and electrons. - -- Bill Paul -% -OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard. - -- Dr. Joy -% -OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything. -% -Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked -just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the -executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in -the code over again, since I also removed the source. -% -Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill. -% -Old age is always fifteen years older than I am. - -- Bernard Baruch -% -Old age is the harbor of all ills. - -- Bion -% -Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. - -- Trotsky -% -Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity. -% -Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on. -% -Old Japanese proverb: - There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji, -and those who climb it twice. -% -Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. -% -Old mail has arrived. -% -Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for being -no longer in a position to give bad examples. - -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" -% -Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard -To fetch her poor daughter a dress. -When she got there, the cupboard was bare -And so was her daughter, I guess... -% -Old musicians never die, they just decompose. -% -Old programmers never die, they just become managers. -% -Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address. -% -Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit. -% -Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. -% -Old timer, n.: - One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization. -% -Olivier's Law: - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. -% -Omnibiblious, adj.: - Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything. - I'm omnibiblious." -% -On a clear day, U.C.L.A. -% -On a clear disk you can seek forever. - -- P. Denning -% -On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: - -This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. - -- Wolfgang Pauli -% -On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on -a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir. - -[One is always a little afraid of love, but -above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.] -% -On ability: - A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top; - a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well. - -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD -% -On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only -nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter -what it does. - -- Will Rogers -% -On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one -car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of -the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris. - "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let -you come any closer." - "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man -explained. - "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a -decapitation." - The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and -pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?" - "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much -taller." -% -On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the -proposition that all men are created jerks. - -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" -% -On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the -same moment -- halftime. -% -On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN. -% -On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little -girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and -Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh, -and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood." -% -On the subject of C program indentation: - - "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be - indented six feet downward and covered with dirt." - -- Blair P. Houghton -% -On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia. - -- W. C. Fields' epitaph -% -On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr. -Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers -come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of -ideas that could provoke such a question. - -- Charles Babbage -% -Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, -and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. - -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" -% -Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled. - -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) -% -Once, adv.: - Enough. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Once again dread deed is done. -Canon sleeps, -his all-knowing eye shaded -to human chance and circumstance. -Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley, -but Canon's sleep is troubled. - -Beware, scant days past the Ides of July. -Impatient hands wait eagerly -to grasp, to hold -scant moments of time -wrested from life in the full -glory of Canon's power; -held captive by his unblinking eye. - -Three golden orbs stand watch; -one each to toll the day, hour, minute -until predestiny decrees his reawakening. -When that feared moment arrives, -"Ask not for whom the bell tolls, -It tolls for thee." - -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine - Valley Pawn Shop today" -% -Once Again From the Top - -Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously -reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman -in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and -lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular -homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that -he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on -George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published -inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the -lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with -vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson. -The Herald regrets the errors." - -- "The Progressive", March, 1987 -% -Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that -each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his -choice. - -In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians -called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukkah" -and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People -passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy -Hanukkah!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" - -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" -% -Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, -Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". -Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your -principals or your mistress." -% -Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it. - -- Homer -% -Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his -roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the -forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind -the railroad yards." - -- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan, - counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution - law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925. -% -Once I finally figured out all of life's -answers, they changed the questions. -% -Once, I read that a man be never stronger -than when he truly realizes how weak he is. - -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31" -% -Once is happenstance, -Twice is coincidence, -Three times is enemy action. - -- Auric Goldfinger -% -Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to -sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer. -% -Once Law was sitting on the bench - And Mercy knelt a-weeping. -"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! - Nor come before me creeping. -Upon your knees if you appear, -'Tis plain you have no standing here." - -Then Justice came. His Honor cried: - "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" -"Amica curiae," she replied -- - "Friend of the court, so please you." -"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- -I never saw your face before!" - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings -infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can -grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it -possible for each to see each other whole against the sky. - -- Rainer Rilke -% -Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in. - -- H. R. Haldeman -% -Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail, -And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail, -And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool, -He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!) -And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat, -He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat, -And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout! - And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out! -And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog, -And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god, -The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed, -But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed! -Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace, -And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste, -But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt", - And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out! -When the day is done and the moon comes out, -And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count, -When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey, -And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay, -You must mind the file protections and not snoop around, - Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down! -% -Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during -a portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin -parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So, -to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the -end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the -page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more -inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he -was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth; -the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out. -% -Once upon a time there... -% -Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants -were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was -to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If -the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would -just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family -of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful -sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable -possession. And the moral of the story is: - -The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that -hit you. -% -Once upon this midnight incoherent, -While you pondered sentient and crystalline, -Over many a broken and subordinate -Volume of gnarly lore, -While I pestered, nearly singing, -Suddenly there came a hewing, -As of someone profusely skulking, -Skulking at my chamber door. -% -Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all. -% -Once you've tried to change the world you find -it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind. -% -One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least -somebody's listening. - -- Franklin P. Jones -% -"One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket". -% -"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative." - -Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this. -The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame. - -- Chuq Von Rospach -% -One Bell System - it sometimes works. -% -One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension! -% -One Bell System - it works. -% -One big pile is better than two little piles. - -- Arlo Guthrie -% -One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar. - -- Helen Keller -% -One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the -mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God. - -- J. Gustav White -% -One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing -how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. - -- Professor Charles P. Issawi -% -One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. -% -One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast -to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists, -a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also -just stupid. - -- J. D. Watson, "The Double Helix" -% -One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his -attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in a cloud of -smoke. - "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For -releasing me I will grant you three wishes." - The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan -resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish -border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home." - "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?" - "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the -Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade, -and march back home." - "But... well, all right! Your third wish?" - "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---" - "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march -to Poland three times and never invade?" - The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times." -% -One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the -truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced, -"Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question -which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the -guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative -is death by hanging." - "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows." - "I don't believe you." - "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!" - "But that would make it the truth!" - "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." -% -One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and -decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a -mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some -way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could -make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks -this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself. - A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any -success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes, -actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but -there a number of details to be figured out. - After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house, -looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have -some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right -track." - At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by -pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his -eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing -the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from -behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO -IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!! -And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple -harmonic motion..." -% -One day, -A mad meta-poet, -With nothing to say, -Wrote a mad meta-poem -That started: "One day, -A mad meta-poet, -With nothing to say, -Wrote a mad meta-poem -That started: "One day, -[...] -sort of close". -Were the words that the poet, -Finally chose, -To bring his mad poem, -To some sort of close". -Were the words that the poet, -Finally chose, -To bring his mad poem, -To some sort of close". -% -One difference between a man and a machine -is that a machine is quiet when well oiled. -% -One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you. - -- Larry Gelbart -% -One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick -Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car -conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the -merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see -his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar. - Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her -full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has -been havin' all these years." - Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary -Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is -totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the -drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and -passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact -with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty. - Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her -head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these -years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself." -% -One expresses well the love he does not feel. - -- J. A. Karr -% -One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it. -% -One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters. - -- George Herbert -% -One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible. -Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought, -a rivalry of aim. - -- Henry Brook Adams -% -One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus. - -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon" -% -One good reason why computers can do more work than -people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone. -% -One good suit is worth a thousand resumes. -% -One good thing about music, -Well, it helps you feel no pain. -So hit me with music; -Hit me with music now. - -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock" -% -One good turn asketh another. - -- John Heywood -% -One good turn deserves another. - -- Gaius Petronius -% -One good turn usually gets most of the blanket. -% -One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines -and end up with the atomic bomb. - -- Marcel Pagnol -% -One hundred women are not worth a single testicle. - -- Confucius -% -One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. - -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848) -% -One is often kept in the right road by a rut. - -- Gustave Droz -% -One learns to itch where one can scratch. - -- Ernest Bramah -% -ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in -ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES. -% -One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true. -% -One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as -one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will -produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to -represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as -many ... - -- Anthony Chevins -% -One man's constant is another man's variable. - -- Alan J. Perlis -% -One man's folly is another man's wife. - -- Helen Rowland -% -One man's "magic" is another man's engineering. -"Supernatural" is a null word. -% -One man's Mede is another man's Persian. - -- George M. Cohan -% -One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. -% -One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends -can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention. - -- Clifton Fadiman -% -One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it. -% -One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How -will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, -I'll tell you." -% -One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens -without laughing. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. -% -One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day. -% -One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from -one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70 -percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course, -simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good, -nobody can touch him. - -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983 -% -One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an -advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from -mathematics. - -- N. Wiener -% -One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old -enough to give you presents they make at school. - -- Robert Byrne -% -One of the large consolations for experiencing anything -unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it. - -- Joyce Carol Oates -% -One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to -do and always a clever thing to say. - -- Will Durant -% -One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with -Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just -to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't -be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending -to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't -understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was -renowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the -time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be -puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be -genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do -foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little. - -- Joe Martin -% -One of the most striking differences between a -cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. - -- Mark Twain -% -One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God -create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "_s_o_m_e_b_o_d_y has to buy -retail." - -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" -% -One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they -need no answer. - -- George Gordon, Lord Byron -% -One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your -seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best -way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted -in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and -imagine they were in Topeka Kansas. -% -One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he -once had a publisher shot. - -- Siegfried Unseld -% -One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself. -% -One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a -thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with -the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing -hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and -laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can." - To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might -happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die. -And perhaps the horse will learn to sing. - -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle -% -One organism, one vote. -% -One person's error is another person's data. -% -One picture is worth 128K words. -% -One picture is worth more than ten thousand words. - -- Chinese proverb -% -One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits -And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall. -And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar -Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call. -Go ask Alice Call Alice -When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small. - -When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion -Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead, -And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking - mushroom backwards -And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head -Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said: -I think she'll know. Feed your head. - Feed your head. - Feed your head. - -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit" -% -One planet is all you get. -% -One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan -is that there never was a plan in the first place. -% -One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could -manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that -they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's -say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding -study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by -sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, -strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus -rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also -be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr. -Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle -Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save -millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently -support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that -your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members -of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are -already too large to fit on normal aircraft. - -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" -% -One reason why George Washington -Is held in such veneration: -He never blamed his problems -On the former Administration. - -- George O. Ludcke -% -One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there -should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles -to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some -virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded -and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously -many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that -people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach -is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes. - -- Ronald Reagan -% -One seldom sees a monument to a committee. -% -One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -ONE SIZE FITS ALL: - Doesn't fit anyone. -% -One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind. -% -One thing about the past. -It's likely to last. - -- Ogden Nash -% -ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take -my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out -warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and -cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. - -I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty -late. - -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) -% -One thing the inventors can't seem to -get the bugs out of is fresh paint. -% -One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that -sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer -terror. - -- W. K. Hartmann -% -One thought driven home is better than three left on base. -% -One toke over the line, sweet Mary, -One toke over the line, -Sittin' downtown in a railway station, -One toke over the line. -Waitin' for the train that goes home, -Hopin' that the train is on time, -Sittin' downtown in a railway station, -One toke over the line. -% -One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a -new model. -% -One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him. -% -One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at -the stake while the votes were being counted. - -- Thomas B. Reed -% -One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so, -because they bite. - -- Vladimir Lenin -% -One-Shot Case Study, n.: - The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which - it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green. -% -On-line, adj.: - The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a - computer. -% -Only a fool has no doubts. -% -Only a mediocre person is always at his best. - -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter -% -Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. -% -Only fools are quoted. - -- Anonymous -% -Only God can make random selections. -% -Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse. - -- Oscar Wilde - -Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style. - -- The Unnamed Usenetter -% -Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four -essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. - -- Alex Levine - -[Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are -hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.] -% -Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right -to use the editorial "we". -% -Only someone with nothing to be sorry for -smiles back at the rear of an elephant. -% -Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying. - -- Baba Ram Dass -% -Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by -placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer," -and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn -food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours -unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS -and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a -modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power -that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail, -postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of -the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts. -May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply. - -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83 -% -Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core. - -- Hannah Arendt -% -Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are -busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely. - -- Lao Tsu -% -Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer. -% -Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women. -% -Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where -a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything -or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who -happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their -windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing -peacefully on his balcony a few yards away. - -- Sicilian police officer -% -Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one -of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him. -% -Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer. -% -Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny. -% -Onward through the fog. -% -Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am. -% -Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes. - -- Debbie VanDam -% -Opium is very cheap considering you don't -feel like eating for the next six days. - -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite -% -Oppernockity tunes but once. -% -Opportunities are usually disguised as hard -work, so most people don't recognize them. -% -Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to -talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority, -crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love -them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey." -% -Optimism is the content of small men in high places. - -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up" -% -Optimism, n.: -The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad, -and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by -those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded -with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible -to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment -but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious. -% -Optimist, n.: - A bagpiper with a beeper. -% -Optimist, n.: - A proponent of the belief that black is white. - - A pessimist asked God for relief. - "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God. - "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that -would justify them." - "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked -something -- the mortality of the optimist." - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Optimist, n.: - Someone who goes down to the marriage - bureau to see if his license has expired. -% -Optimization hinders evolution. -% -Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail. - -- Germaine Greer -% -Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup). -% -Order and simplification are the first steps toward -mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown. - -- Thomas Mann -% -Oregano, n.: - The ancient Italian art of pizza folding. -% -Oregon, n.: - Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday -night. -% -O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: -Cleanliness is next to impossible -% -Oreo -% -Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. -Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. - -- Mike Adams -% -Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born -to people you could not have possibly met. - -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" -% -Osborn's Law: - Variables won't; constants aren't. -% -Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play? -% -Other women cloy -The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry -Where most she satisfies. - -- Antony and Cleopatra -% -Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently. -% -Others will look to you for stability, -so hide when you bite your nails. -% -O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law: - Murphy was an optimist. -% -Ouch! That felt good! - -- Karen Gordon -% -"Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big -system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'" - -"TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make -any difference if it takes a while to fix it." - -- Ken Olsen, in Digital News, 1988 -% -Our business in life is not to succeed -but to continue to fail in high spirits. - -- Robert Louis Stevenson -% -Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the -local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substantial cash -award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning. -His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year -by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own, -home-made, hand-held model. - -Not surprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit -to the Pentagon free of charge: - - a. Don't kill anybody. - b. Don't build things that do. - c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody. - -We expect annual savings to be in the billions. - -- Sojourners -% -Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, -but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them. -% -Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the -office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we -were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of -juice. But only *_h_e* had a lollipop. - -He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" - -Her reply: - - "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it - means to be a programmer." -% -Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a -continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national -emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we -did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded. -Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never -to have been quite real. - -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957 -% -Our houseplants have a good sense of humous. -% -Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide. - -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte -% -Our little systems have their day; -They have their day and cease to be; -They are but broken lights of thee. - -- Tennyson -% -Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. -Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, -In kernel as it is in user. -% -Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us -to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the -rain, we were punished. - -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic -% -Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. - -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries -% -Our problems are so serious that the best -way to talk about them is lightheartedly. -% -Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'. -We their sons are more worthless than they: -so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt. - -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) -% -Our swords shall play the orators for us. - -- Christopher Marlowe -% -Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding, -In all of the directions it can whiz; -As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know, -Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is. -So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure, -How amazingly unlikely is your birth; -And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space, -'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth! - -- Monty Python -% -Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it. - -- Alex Schure -% -Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. - -- General Omar N. Bradley -% -Ours is a world where people don't know what they -want and are willing to go through hell to get it. -% -Out of sight is out of mind. - -- Arthur Clough -% -Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made. - -- Immanuel Kant -% -Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal. -% -Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog, -it's too dark to read. - -- Groucho Marx -% -Over the shoulder supervision is more a -need of the manager than the programming task. -% -Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now -I can remember things that *have* happened before ... -% -Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two -complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through -rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining -errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this -design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the -result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the -problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the -system. - -- A. L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual - Storage Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 - Concepts and Philosophies," - IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4. -% -Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will -continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually -powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the -victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking -move?' - -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course" -% -Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! -% -Overflow on /dev/null: please empty the bit bucket. -% -Overheard: - "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!" -% -Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. -% -Owe no man any thing... - -- Romans 13:8 -% -Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in -concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the -oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very -much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher -concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it -takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason -for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of -oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex -process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is -always fatal. - -However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the -fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is -sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any -considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with -symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning. - -Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in -the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be -due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings -in question. - -Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and -tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is -too late. - -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956 -% -Ozman's Laws: - (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. - (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. - (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. - (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. -% -paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a - vehicle) for a time in a certain location. -patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant. -Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year. -shua, n: Having no doubt; certain. -sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker. -tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads - or as a vegetable. -troopa, n: A state policeman. -Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts. -yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building. - -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary -% -PAIN: - Falling out of a twenty story building, - and snagging your eyelid on a nail. -% -PAIN: - One thing, at least it proves that you're alive! -% -PAIN: - Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol. -% -Pain is just God's way of hurting you. -% -Painting, n.: - The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and - exposing them to the critic. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Pandora's Rule: - Never open a box you didn't close. -% -panic: can't find / -% -panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding) -% -panic: kernel trap (ignored) -% -Paprika Measure: - - 2 dashes == 1 smidgen - 2 smidgens == 1 pinch - 3 pinches == 1 soupcon - 2 soupcons == too much paprika -% -Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much -better. - -- Laurie Anderson -% -Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. -% -Paralysis through analysis. -% -PARANOIA: - A healthy understanding of the way the universe works. -% -Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you. -% -Paranoia is heightened awareness. -% -Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. -% -Paranoid Club meeting this Friday. -Now ... just try to find out where! -% -Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one. -% -Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy -to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. - -- D. J. Hicks -% -Pardon me while I laugh. -% -Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction. -% -Pardo's First Postulate: - Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or -fattening. - -Arnold's Addendum: - Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats. -% -Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they -didn't have much of anything to do with it. -% -Parker's Law: - Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. -% -Parkinson's Fifth Law: - If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good - bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. -% -Parkinson's Fourth Law: - The number of people in any working group tends to increase - regardless of the amount of work to be done. -% -Parsley is gharsley. - -- Ogden Nash -% -Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. -% -PARTY: - A gathering where you meet people who drink - so much you can't even remember their names. -% -Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty. - -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan -% -Pascal is not a high-level language. - -- Steven Feiner -% -Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat. - -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340 -% -Pascal, n.: - A programming language named after a man who would turn over - in his grave if he knew about it. - -- Datamation, January 15, 1984 -% -Pascal Users: - The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol. - Please modify your programs accordingly. -% -Pascal Users: - To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the - death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. -% -Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. - -- Eric Hoffer -% -Password: -% -Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity. -% -Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being - unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises... - All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't - eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most - CREEPING things... -Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars? -P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone - can get in. -A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff! -P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED - CATERPILLARS! -[...] -P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat - a LITTLE SQUIRREL? -A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day. -P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya? -A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the - Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry. -P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick! -A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh) - par for the course, Charlie. - -- The Firesign Theatre -% -Patageometry, n.: - The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant -under brain transplants. -% -Patch griefs with proverbs. - -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing" -% -Patent, v.: - A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them. -% -"Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic." -(crosses stream) -"As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side." - -- Eeyore -% -Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue. - -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers -% -Patience is long forgotten by convenience in this life. - -- Carmen Caicedo Giraudy -% -Patience is the best remedy for every trouble. - -- Titus Maccius Plautus -% -Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel. - -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell - -In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last -resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but -inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. - -- Ambrose Bierce - -When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel, -he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform. - -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling - -Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel. - -- Boies Penrose -% -Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.) - -- Gauss -% -Paul Revere was a tattle-tale. -% -Paul's Law: - In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you - save. -% -Paul's Law: - You can't fall off the floor. -% -Pause for storage relocation. -% -Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain. - -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz" -% -Paycheck, n.: - The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal - withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA, - medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance, - Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions. -% -Payeen to a Twang -Derrida -Ore-Ida -potato. - -If you dared, -I'd ask you -to go dig -up your ides under brown- -tubered skies. - -where pitchforked -you will ask -Derrida? -% -Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it. -% -Peace cannot be kept by force; it -can only be achieved by understanding. - -- Albert Einstein -% -Peace is much more precious than a piece -of land... let there be no more wars. - -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat (1918-1981) -% -Peace, n.: - In international affairs, a period of cheating between two - periods of fighting. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Peanut Blossoms - -4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk -4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla -4 cups shortening 14 cups flour -8 eggs 4 tsp. soda -4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt - -Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased -cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top -each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly -to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot. -% -Pecor's Health-Food Principle: - Never eat rutabaga on any day of - the week that has a "y" in it. -% -Pedaeration, n.: - The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the - sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Pediddel, n.: - A car with only one working headlight. - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" -% -Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984 -when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second -baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were -diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero, -at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager -Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous -motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third -base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball. -What is it?" - "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I -hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even -Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball -to Sax.'" - -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" -% -Peeping Tom: - A window fan. -% -Peers's Law: -The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. -% -Pelorat sighed. - "I will never understand people." - "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look -at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have -worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was -- -if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people -weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand -people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself --- no offense intended." - -- Isaac Asimov, "Foundation's Edge" -% -Penguin Trivia #46: - Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. - -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 -% -PENGUINICITY!! -% -Pension, n.: - A federally insured chain letter. -% -People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of -attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to -suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the -case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their -only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable -tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush. - -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" -% -People are beginning to notice you. -Try dressing before you leave the house. -% -People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry. -% -People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects. -% -People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three -times, four time, five times... -% -People in general do not willingly read -if they have anything else to amuse them. - -- S. Johnson -% -People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% -People need good lies. There are too many bad ones. - -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. -% -People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an -election. - -- Otto von Bismarck -% -People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction -rather than surrender any material part of their advantage. - -- John Kenneth Galbraith -% -People often find it easier to be a -result of the past than a cause of the future. -% -People respond to people who respond. -% -People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they -*know* me there! - -- D. L. Roth -% -People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people -have been left out on the pleasure. - -- Russell Baker -% -People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here," -absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the -public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in -the concentration camps. -% -People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves. -% -People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something -to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for -it too. -% -People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense. - -- Ken Kesey -% -People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed. -% -People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get -much better press than people who are just funny and smart. - -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post" -% -People who claim they don't let little things bother -them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito. -% -People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes. - -- Abigail Van Buren -% -People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. -% -People who have no faults are terrible; -there is no way of taking advantage of them. -% -People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't -what they want that they don't want it. - -- Ogden Nash -% -People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything. -% -People who push both buttons should get their wish. -% -People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle. -% -People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have -cold baths. -% -People who think they know everything -greatly annoy those of us who do. -% -People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin -Franklin said it first. -% -People will buy anything that's one to a customer. -% -People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they -did yesterday. -% -People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues. -% -People's Action Rules: - (1) Some people who can, shouldn't. - (2) Some people who should, won't. - (3) Some people who shouldn't, will. - (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless. - (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others. -% -Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer. - -- R. W. Hamming -% -Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. -[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] -or -[May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.] - -- Aelius Donatus -% -Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. -% -Perfect guest, n.: - One who makes his host feel at home. -% -Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer -anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away. - -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery -% -Performance: - A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or - rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored - to be working over in Jersey about a month ago. -% -Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. -I myself would say that it had merely been detected. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy -poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind. - -- Thomas Macaulay -% -Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway. -% -Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would -behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in -order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's -fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.) -% -Perhaps the world's second-worst crime is boredom. The first is -being a bore. - -- Cecil Beaton -% -Perilous to all of us are the devices of -an art deeper than we ourselves possess. - -- Gandalf the Grey -% -Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be -upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be -nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable -news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does -the `Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been -prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a -periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the -negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a -periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible -on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis, -case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack, -nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a -proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of -civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are -by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost -indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news -instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory -developments." - -- Fowler's English Usage -% -Persistence in one opinion has never been considered -a merit in political leaders. - -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC -% -Personifiers of the world, unite! -You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! - -- Bernadette Bosky -% -Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! -% -Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; -persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting -to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author - -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer" -% -Pessimist, n.: - A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the - wolf from the door. - -Optimist, n.: - A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of - his pants. - -Opportunist, n.: - A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat. -% -Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad. -Waiter: Who told you? -Pete: A little swallow. -% -Peter Fellgett's wildcard recipe: - Into a clean dish, place the dry ingredients and add the - liquids until the right consistency is obtained. Turn out - into suitable containers and cook until done. -% -Peter Wemm Murphy Field, n.: - A field of abnormally frequent and severe Murphy's Law events -emanating from Mr. Peter Wemm. The field was first discovered and -identified in Denmark during the initial FreeBSD SMP development. -Mr. Wemm was residing in Australia at the time. -% -Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch. -% -Peter's Law of Substitution: - Look after the molehills, and the - mountains will look after themselves. - -Peter's Principle of Success: - Get up one time more than you're knocked down. - -Peter's Principle: - In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of - his incompetence. -% -Peterson's Admonition: - When you think you're going down for the third time -- - just remember that you may have counted wrong. -% -Peterson's Rules: - (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways - are filled with something sticky. - (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one. - (3) Things that tick are not always clocks. - (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing. -% -Petribar, n.: - Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in - the window of a vending machine too long. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Phasers locked on target, Captain. -% -Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to -exciting Camden, New Jersey. -% -Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. -% -Philosophy, n.: - The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends. -% -Philosophy, n.: - Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. -% -Philosophy will clip an angel's wings. - -- John Keats -% -Phone call for chucky-pooh. -% -Phosflink, v.: - To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, - that will bring it back to life). - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" -% -Photographing a volcano is just about -the most miserable thing you can do. - -- Robert B. Goodman - [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.] -% -Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the -farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than -chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock. - -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married" -% -Pick another fortune cookie. -% -Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream, -I wonder how the old folks are tonight, -Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face, -She left me not knowing what to do. - -Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you, -Carefree Highway, you seen better days, -The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes, -Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you... - -Turning back the pages to the times I love best, -I wonder if she'll ever do the same, -Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied, -With knowing I got noone left to blame. -Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame... - -Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep, -I wonder if the years have closed her mind, -I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free, -From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew. - -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway" -% -Pickle's Law: - If Congress must do a painful thing, - the thing must be done in an odd-number year. -% -Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional -hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational -sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ... -% -Piddle, twiddle, and resolve, -Not one damn thing do we solve. - -- 1776 -% -Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square. -% -Piece of cake! - -- G. S. Koblas -% -Pig, n.: - An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race - by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, - is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Pilfering Treasure property is particularly dangerous: big thieves are -ruthless in punishing little thieves. - -- Diogenes -% -Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs. - -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988 -% -Piping down the valleys wild, -Piping songs of pleasant glee, -On a cloud I saw a child, -And he laughing said to me: -"Pipe a song about a Lamb!" -So I piped with merry cheer. -"Piper, pipe that song again;" -So I piped: he wept to hear. - -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence" -% -Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidentally dropped -the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician -outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot. - -- Love and Rockets -% -PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) - You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed - by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates - and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence - and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to - small animals. -% -PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) - Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American - Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody - else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably - get run over by a bus. -% -PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20) - You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today. - It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the - job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have - a car. -% -Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. - -- Don Marquis -% -Pixel, n.: - A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. - The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: - Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial - intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department. -% -P-K4 -% -Plaese porrf raed. - -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase -% -Plagiarize, plagiarize, -Let no man's work evade your eyes, -Remember why the good Lord made your eyes, -Don't shade your eyes, -But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize. -Only be sure to call it research. - -- Tom Lehrer -% -Planet Claire has pink hair. -All the trees are red. -No one ever dies there. -No one has a head.... -% -Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! -Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past! - -- Green Lantern Comics -% -Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia -because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers -couldn't compete successfully with poets. - -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half - Shell" -% -Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill -them. -% -Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic -table. - -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" -% -Please don't put a strain on our friendship -by asking me to do something for you. -% -Please don't recommend me to your friends-- -it's difficult enough to cope with you alone. -% -PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE! - -Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer, - emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment. -% -Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle, -I sometimes forget which side I'm on. -% -Please go away. -% -Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it. -% -Please ignore previous fortune. -% -Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment. -% -Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself! -% -Please remain calm, it's no use both of -us being hysterical at the same time. -% -Please stand for the National Anthem: - - Australian's all, let us rejoice, - For we are young and free. - We've golden soil and wealth for toil - Our home is girt by sea. - Our land abounds in nature's gifts - Of beauty rich and rare. - In history's page, let every stage - Advance Australia Fair. - In joyful strains then let us sing, - Advance Australia Fair. - -Thank you. You may resume your seat. -% -Please stand for the National Anthem: - - God save our Gracious Queen! - Long live our Noble Queen! - God save the Queen! - Send her victorious, - Happy and glorious, - Long to reign o'er us! - God save the Queen! - -Thank you. You may resume your seat. -% -Please stand for the National Anthem: - - O Canada - Our home and native land - True patriot love - In all thy sons' command - With glowing hearts we see thee rise - The true north strong and free - From far and wide, O Canada - We stand on guard for thee - God keep our land glorious and free - O Canada we stand on guard for thee - O Canada we stand on guard for thee - -Thank you. You may resume your seat. -% -Please stand for the National Anthem: - - Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light - What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming? - Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight - O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming? - And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air, - Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. - Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave - O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave? - -Thank you. You may resume your seat. -% -Please take note: -% -Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" -until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, -we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such. - -- N. Meyrowitz -% -Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? -% -PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the -solution set. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 -% -Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're -of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain -an uncontainable experience. - -- R. S. Knapp -% -PLUG IT IN!!! -% -Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose. -% -Pohl's law: - Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. -% -Poisoned coffee, n.: - Grounds for divorce. -% -Poland has gun control. -% -Police: Good evening, are you the host? -Host: No. -Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. -Host: About the drugs? -Police: No. -Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? -Police: No, the noise. -Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns - or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the - background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? - The neighbors? -Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent - complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could - ask the host to quiet things down? -Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive - religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living - room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the - lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out - onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind - down. -% -Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to -teach children. - -- W. H. Auden -% -Political speeches are like steer horns. A point -here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between. - -- Alfred E. Neuman -% -Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell -all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. -% -Politician, n.: - An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of - organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the - agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As - compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of - being alive. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Politician, n.: - From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or - "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). - Hence "polytetien", a person of two or more faces. - -- Martin Pitt -% -Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise -to build a bridge even where there is no river. - -- Nikita Khrushchev -% -Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. - -- Arthur C. Clarke -% -Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have -been, and never will be wrong. - -- Walter Dwight -% -Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign -funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other. - -- Oscar Ameringer -% -Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and -without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in -for politics. - -- Albert Camus -% -Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as -dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once. - -- Winston Churchill -% -Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the -systematic organisation of hatreds. - -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams" -% -Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart -enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. -% -Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing -between the disastrous and the unpalatable. - -- John Kenneth Galbraith -% -Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to -realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. - -- Ronald Reagan -% -Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next -week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to -explain why it didn't happen. - -- Winston Churchill -% -Politics, like religion, hold up the -torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error. - -- Thomas Jefferson -% -Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics. - -- Amy Gorin -% -Politics, n.: - A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. - The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Pollyanna's Educational Constant: - The hyperactive child is never absent. -% -POLYGON: - Dead parrot. -% -Polymer physicists are into chains. -% -Poorman's Rule: - When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser - package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to - pull it open. -% -Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the -Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white -smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned -on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious -possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing - - Half a pound of tuppenny rice - Half a pound of treacle - That's the way the chimney smokes - Pope Goestheveezl - -The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter -streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic -functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant -Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -Populus vult decipi. -[The people like to be deceived.] -% -Porsche; there simply is no substitute. - -- Risky Business -% -Portable, adj.: - Survives system reboot. -% -POSITIVE: - Being mistaken at the top of your voice. -% -Positive, adj.: - Mistaken at the top of one's voice. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage. - -- Ryan -% -Post proelium, praemium. -[After the battle, the reward.] -% -Postmen never die, they just lose their zip. -% -Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents: - - SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's -left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world -populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to -him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable -line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!" - - FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a -fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on -unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed -with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish -with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on -diets that are driving them crazy. - - FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same. -Except with sour cream. -% -Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents: - - THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day -McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoes (girl 'tater) who will give birth -to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly -behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..." - - A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name, -rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover -of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and -general butter-melting by all. - - FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter -Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater! -% -Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth. -% -POVERTY: - An unfortunate state that persists as long - as anyone lacks anything he would like to have. -% -Poverty begins at home. -% -Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many -poor people. - -- Don Herold -% -Power and ignorance is a detestable cocktail. - -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) -% -Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. - -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987 -% -Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically. -% -Power corrupts. Powerpoint corrupts absolutely. - -- Vint Cerf -% -Power is poison. -% -Power is the finest token of affection. -% -Power, like a desolating pestilence, -Pollutes whate'er it touches... - -- Percy Bysshe Shelley -% -Power, n.: - The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. -% -Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely. - -- Lord Acton -% -PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn. -% -Practical people would be more practical if -they would take a little more time for dreaming. - -- J. P. McEvoy -% -Practical politics consists in ignoring facts. - -- Henry Adams -% -Practically perfect people never permit -sentiment to muddle their thinking. - -- Mary Poppins -% -Practice is the best of all instructors. - -- Publilius -% -Practice yourself what you preach. - -- Titus Maccius Plautus -% -PRAIRIES: - Vast plains covered by treeless forests. -% -Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. - -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur" -% -Praise the sea; on shore remain. - -- John Florio -% -Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. - -- Russian Proverb -% -Pray, v.: - To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf - of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Predestination was doomed from the start. -% -Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future. - -- Niels Bohr -% -Prejudice, n.: - A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Premature optimization is the root of all evil. - -- Donald E. Knuth -% -Preserve the old, but know the new. -% -Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today! -% -Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today! -% -President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic -pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. -% -President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% -of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. - -- The Washington Post -% -Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! -% -Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: - It's on the other side. -% -Price's Advice: - It's all a game -- play it to have fun. -% -[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves -the working man, he loves to see him work. - -- Winston Churchill -% -[Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the -largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought. - -- Winston Churchill -% -Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor -For having it off with his Mater; - Revenge Dad or not? - That's the gist of the plot, -And he did -- nine soliloquies later. - -- Stanley J. Sharpless -% -Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle -taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for -all I know. - -- Prof. J. H. Finley '25 -% -Priority: - A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often - expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't - care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less - badly than someone else. -% -Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion. - -- Blake -% -Prizes are for children. - -- Charles Ives, - upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize -% -Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. -% -Probable-Possible, my black hen, -She lays eggs in the Relative When. -She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now -Because she's unable to postulate How. - -- Frederick Winsor -% -Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have -orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which -is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime. - -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every - Teen Should Know" -% -PROBLEM DRINKER: - A man who never buys. -% -Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training. -And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy -for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress -I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets? - -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors -% -Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data - encryption standard and they came up with ... -Student: EBCDIC! -% -Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. -% -Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130 -midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam. -Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average -has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%. -% -PROGRAM: - Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one - day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program," - "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation - always justifies hiring at least three more people. -% -Program, n.: - A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input - into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging - one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward. -% -Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live -without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them. - -- Dennis M. Ritchie -% -Programming Department: - Mistakes made while you wait. -% -Programming is an unnatural act. -% -Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to -build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying -to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. - -- Rich Cook -% -PROGRESS: - Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons - invading the body and taking possession of it. - - Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria - and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction. -% -Progress is impossible without change, and those who -cannot change their minds cannot change anything. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -Progress means replacing a theory that -is wrong with one more subtly wrong. -% -Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long. - -- Ogden Nash -% -Progress was all right. Only it went on too long. - -- James Thurber -% -Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded. -% -Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you. -% -PROMOTION FROM WITHIN: - A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making - level where they can't foul up operations. -% -Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword. -% -Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. - -This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction -techniques are very popular, even the military use them. - -SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. - - We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true -for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n -as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is -trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can -take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n. - QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") -% -Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. - SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. -(1) Horses have an even number of legs. -(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. -(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of - legs for a horse. -(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. -(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. - -Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by: - Intimidation - Gesticulation (handwaving) - "Try it; it works" - Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...) - Blatant assertion - Changing all the 2's to _n's - Mutual consent - Lack of a counterexample, and - "It stands to reason" -% -Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days, -but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week. - -- Darrell Huff -% -Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: - -BBW Branch Both Ways -BEW Branch Either Way -BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full -BH Branch and Hang -BMR Branch Multiple Registers -BOB Branch On Bug -BPO Branch on Power Off -BST Backspace and Stretch Tape -CDS Condense and Destroy System -CLBR Clobber Register -CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately -CM Circulate Memory -CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming -CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip -CRN Convert to Roman Numerals -% -Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: - -DC Divide and Conquer -DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key -DO Divide and Overflow -EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator -EPI Execute Programmer Immediately -EROS Erase Read Only Storage -EXCE Execute Customer Engineer -HCF Halt and Catch Fire -IBP Insert Bug and Proceed -INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out]) -PBC Print and Break Chain -PDSK Punch Disk -% -Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: - -PI Punch Invalid -POPI Punch Operator Immediately -PVLC Punch Variable Length Card -RASC Read And Shred Card -RPM Read Programmers Mind -RSSC Reduce Speed, Step Carefully (for improved accuracy) -RTAB Rewind Tape and Break -RWDSK Rewind Disk -RWOC Read Writing On Card -SCRBL Scribble to disk - faster than a write -SLC Search for Lost Chord -SPSW Scramble Program Status Word -SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk -STROM Store in Read Only Memory -TDB Transfer and Drop Bit -WBT Water Binary Tree -% -Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them. - -- Publilius Syrus -% -Prototype designs always work. - -- Don Vonada -% -prototype, n. - First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by - pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version, - upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the - prototype is not expected to work. -% -Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller -than the both put together. -% -Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities -where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf. -% -Prunes give you a run for your money. -% -Pryor's Observation: - How long you live has nothing to do - with how long you are going to be dead. -% -PS: This message is not intended to supply the minimum -daily requirement of serious thought. Consult your doctor -or pharmacist, but not the one that just sent you electronic -junk mail or promises to make explicit drugs fast. - -- taken from Norman Wilson's .sig -% -Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check -three friends. If they're OK, you're it. -% -Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' -shortcomings. - -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles" -% -Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body. -% -Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself -a therapy. - -- Karl Kraus - -Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd. - -Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. - -- Carl G. Jung -% -Psychologist, n.: - Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks - into a room. -% -Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists. -Experimental psychologists think they're biologists. -Biologists think they're biochemists. -Biochemists think they're chemists. -Chemists think they're physical chemists. -Physical chemists think they're physicists. -Physicists think they're theoretical physicists. -Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians. -Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians. -Metamathematicians think they're philosophers. -Philosophers think they're gods. -% -Psychology. Mind over matter. -Mind under matter? It doesn't matter. -Never mind. -% -Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well -anyhow and is certainly a damn fool. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -Public use of any portable music system is a -virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies. - -- Zoso -% -Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping -a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo. -% -Pudder's Law: - Anything that begins well will end badly. - (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.) -% -Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa. -% -Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves -to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way -to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the -cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in -fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a -lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of -the first day even if they have plenty of food and water. - -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" -% -Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen. -% -PURGE COMPLETE. -% -PURITAN: - Someone who is deathly afraid that - someone, somewhere, is having fun. -% -Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. - -- H. L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques" -% -Purpitation, v.: - To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you - don't want it, and then put it in another section. - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" -% -Pushing 30 is exercise enough. -% -Pushing 40 is exercise enough. -% -Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer. -Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak. -Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it. - -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor - of Texas. -% -Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man. - -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" -% -Put another password in, -Bomb it out, then try again. -Try to get past logging in, -We're hacking, hacking, hacking. - -Try his first wife's maiden name, -This is more than just a game. -It's real fun, but just the same, -It's hacking, hacking, hacking. -% -Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea! -% -Put no trust in cryptic comments. -% -Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust. -% -Put your best foot forward. -Or just call in and say you're sick. -% -Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion. -% -Put your Nose to the Grindstone! - -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. -% -Put your trust in those who are worthy. -% -Putt's Law: - Technology is dominated by two types of people: - Those who understand what they do not manage. - Those who manage what they do not understand. -% -Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!! -% -Q: Are we not men? -A: We are Vaxen. -% -Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? -A: One per person. -% -Q: Do you think the idea of "one tool doing one job" has been - abandoned? ... -A: Those days are dead and gone and the eulogy was delivered by - Perl. - -- Rob Pike -% -Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism? -A: He got re-possessed! -% -Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert? -A: With three more bullets. -% -Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with - your wife? -A: You have to wait 22 months. -% -Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back - in a hurricane? -A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind. -% -Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying? -A: When his lips move. -% -Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree? -A: He sat on an acorn and waited for spring. - -Q: But how did he get back down? -A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn. -% -Q: How did the regular expression cross the road? -A: ^.*$ -% -Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? -A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. -% -Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? -A: Unique up on it! - -Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? -A: The tame way! -% -Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense? -% -Q: How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal? -A: While he's not looking, switch it to "local". -% -Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont? -A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles. -% -Q: How do you make an elephant float? -A: You get two scoops of elephant and some root beer... -% -Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer? -A: Throw him a rock. -% -Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? -A: With a blue-elephant gun. - -Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant? -A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with - a blue-elephant gun. -% -Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging? -A: Take away his credit cards. -% -Q: How does a hacker fix a function which - doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain? -A: He changes the domain. -% -Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches? -A: She asks them for a commitment. -% -Q: How does a WASP propose marriage? -A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?" -% -Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? -A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment - of license fee (binary only). -% -Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? -A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being - done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. -% -Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the - experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in - lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.) - -Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? -A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all - those Californians trying to share the experience. -% -Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it. -% -Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat? -A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. - -Q: How long does it take? -A: It's indeterminate. - It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them. - -Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? -A: They replace your generator. -% -Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke? -A: One more than you can find. -% -Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug? -A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back. - -Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator? -A: There's a footprint in the mayo. - -Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator? -A: There's two footprints in the mayo. - -Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator? -A: The door won't shut. - -Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator? -A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway. -% -Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb - itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective - reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a - maudlin cosmos of nothingness. -% -Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? -A: None. We'll fix it in software. - -Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb? -A: None. The application can work around it. - -Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? -A: None. We'll document it in the manual. - -Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? -A: None. The user can figure it out. -% -Q: How many Harvard MBAs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him. -% -Q: How many IBM 370s does it take to execute a job? -A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. -% -Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift? -A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. -% -Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? -A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number - GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, - of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally - left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:..... - consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". -% -Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring - light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot - to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for - reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break - the bulb in the first place. -% -Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? -A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done. -% -Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? -A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", - and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", - do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the - party of the second part shall be removed from the current - position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed - upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise - illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, - through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the - primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, - any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of - the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement - between the parties. - - The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not - be limited to, the following. The party of the first part - shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a - chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp - the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second - part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered - non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the - second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the - party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of - the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all - relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. - - Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of - the first part shall have the option of beginning installation. - Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner consistent with - the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this - self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation - should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being - non-negotiable. - - The above described steps may be performed, at the option of - the party of the first part, by any or all agents authorized - by him, the objective being to produce the most possible - revenue for the Partnership. -% -Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? -A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if - you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb... -% -Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb? -A: I'll have to get back to you on that. -% -Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: One and a half. -% -Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. -% -Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem - to the earlier joke. -% -Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a - light bulb? -A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in - the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send - Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim - that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking - around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains - that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at - the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb - from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something. - Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers - beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly - killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. - As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, - Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must - warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon - and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have - just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been - given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted - and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission. -% -Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light - bulb? -A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the - witness. -% -Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb? -A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder - out from under him. -% -Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? -A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has - to really want to change. -% -Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb? -A: Twelve. One to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven - to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace. - - [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for - a fight. They consider it to be a disgrace, though it's - pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.] -% -Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? -A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub - with brightly colored machine tools. - - [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.] -% -Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb? -A: One. -% -Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? -A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out - of the way. -% -Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus? -A: 2 bits. -% -Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried? -A: 9 edge down. -% -Q: Know what the difference between your latest project - and putting wings on an elephant is? -A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh... -% -Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?" -A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little - bottles into the typewriter. -% -Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. - What should I do? -A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on - believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably - be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. - No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if - somebody else has made the correction. - - And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're - the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have - to inform the whole net right away! - -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions - on Netiquette" -% -Q: What did one regular expression say to the other? -A: .+ -% -Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? -A: "The elephants are coming over the hill." - -Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing - sunglasses? -A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them. -% -Q: What did the regular expression match? -A: Identified the patterns "matc" and "match" -% -Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? -A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until - they go down on you. - -Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde? -A: You can park in the handicapped zone. - -Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw - puzzle in only 6 months? -A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years". -% -Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up? -A: The very best person they can possibly be. -% -Q: What do monsters eat? -A: Things. - -Q: What do monsters drink? -A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.) -% -Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas? -A: The impossible dream. -% -Q: What do WASPs do instead of making love? -A: Rule the country. -% -Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common? -A: The same middle name. -% -Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? -A: A dope ring. - -Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? -A: To cover up the valve stem. -% -Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal? -A: Diyathinkhesaurus. - -Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog? -A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex. -% -Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? -A: A stick. -% -Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes? -A: An interpreter. - -Q: Why do blondes have square breasts? -A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box. - -Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row? -A: A wind tunnel. -% -Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? -A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway. - - [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette. - Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.] -% -Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQs, drinking diet cola, - eating fruit, and singing? -A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir. -% -Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu? -A: Six sick Sikhs (sic). -% -Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan? -A: A good start. -% -Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C - is lower than those of other principal female opera singers? -A: A deep C diva. -% -Q: What do you call a TV set that fixes itself? -A: A Christian Science Monitor. -% -Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a - lawyer, and believes in social causes? -A: A failure. -% -Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when - you ride into the country on the back of an elephant? -A: A howdah duty. -% -Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female - sheep bites you? -A: Ewe nicks. -% -Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international - standard? -A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand! -% -Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? -A: An offer you can't understand. -% -Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole? -A: Hot cross bunnies! -% -Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? -A: Not enough sand. -% -Q: What does a blonde do first thing in the morning? -A: She goes home. - -Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress? -A: To keep her neck warm. - -Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday? -A: Tell her a joke on Friday. -% -Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner? -A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by - a delicious dessert. -% -Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota? -A: Open other end. -% -Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah! -A: Exploding sheep. -% -Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room? -A: A dinner party. -% -Q: What is green and lives in the ocean? -A: Moby Pickle. -% -Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of? -A: Feet. -% -Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?" -A: A ball point carrot. -% -Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota? -A: Open other end. -% -Q: What is purple and commutes? -A: A boolean grape. -% -Q: What is purple and commutes? -A: An Abelian grape. -% -Q: What is purple and concord the world? -A: Alexander the Grape. -% -Q: What is the difference between a duck? -A: One leg is both the same. -% -Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt? -A: Yogurt has culture. -% -Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off? -A: Her bowling shoes. -% -Q: What is the mating call of a blonde? -A: I think I'm drunk. - -Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde? -A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk! - -Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? -A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" -% -Q: What is the sound of one cat napping? -A: Mu. -% -Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches? -A: A nervous wreck. -% -Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and - plays like a monkey? -A: Nothing. -% -Q: What regular expression do you often see around Christmas? -A: [^L] -% -Q: What's a light-year? -A: One-third less calories than a regular year. -% -Q: What's black and white and red all over? -A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight. -% -Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch? -A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes. -% -Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer? -A: A Doberman. -% -Q: What's the Blonde's cheer? -A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well.. - I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea... - -Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? -A: Artificial intelligence. - -Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? -A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. -% -Q: What's the capital of Canada? -A: American. -% -Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead - lawyer in the road? -A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. -% -Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant? -A: You can't get down off an elephant. -% -Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch? -A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen. -% -Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale? -A: The moustache. -% -Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? -A: One more drunk. -% -Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America? -A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision. -% -Q: What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt? -A: Yogurt has a living, active culture. -% -Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin? -A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time. -% -Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic? -A: The Titanic had a band. -% -Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous? -A: A canary with the super-user password. -% -Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? -A: Zorn's Lemon. -% -Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage? -A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump! - -Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill? -A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant... -% -Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain? -A: Lawn Boy. -% -Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive? -A: Because they're worth it! -% -Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers? -A: Because he was hungry. -% -Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? -A: To see what was on the other side. - -Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels? -A: More head room. - -Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex? -A: She opens the car door. -% -Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? -A: He was giving it last rites. -% -Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? -A: To see his friend Gregory peck. - -Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? -A: To get to the other slide. -% -Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope? -A: To get to the other slide. -% -Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto? -A: He found out what "kemosabe" really means. -% -Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"? -A: Because he left a residue at every pole. -% -Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance? -A: Because that was her name. -% -Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? -A: Because it was on the other side. -% -Q: Why did the WASP cross the road? -A: To get to the middle. -% -Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders? -A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress. -% -Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? -A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. -% -Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads? -A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise? - Oh, right, *of course*! -% -Q: Why do the police always travel in threes? -A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps - an eye on the two intellectuals. -% -Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and - New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps? -A: God gave New Jersey first choice. -% -Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? -A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars. - -Q: Why do blondes wear underwear? -A: To keep their ankles warm. - -Q: How do you kill a blonde? -A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads. -% -Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach? -A: The cats keep trying to bury them. -% -Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it? -A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink - it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while - visiting, they always take three. -% -Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? -A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit - gets all the credit. -% -Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation - function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? -A: That's the Law of Spline Demand. -% -Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? -A: It takes too long to retrain them. - -Q: What's the mating call of the brunette? -A: All the blondes have gone home! - -Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? -A: There's white-out on the screen. -% -Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man - soup in a plate? -A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away. -% -Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned? -A: It wasn't IBM compatible. -% -QED. -% -QOTD: - "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5." -% -QOTD: - "A lack of advanced planning on your part does not constitute - an emergency on my part." -% -QOTD: - "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem." -% -QOTD: - "All I want is a little more than I'll ever get." -% -QOTD: - "All I want is more than my fair share." -% -QOTD: - "Dead people are good at running because they don't - have to stop and breathe." - -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead" -% -QOTD: - "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone." -% -QOTD: - "East is east... and let's keep it that way." -% -QOTD: - "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there, - I go to work." -% -QOTD: - "Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now - too late to punish." -% -QOTD: - "Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to - save the earth!" -% -QOTD: - "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day." -% -QOTD: - "Her other car is a broom." -% -QOTD: - "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect - her to cook." -% -QOTD: - "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom." -% -QOTD: - "How can I miss you if you won't go away?" -% -QOTD: - "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent." -% -QOTD: - "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." -% -QOTD: - "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the -other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out." -% -QOTD: - "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying." -% -QOTD: - "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby." -% -QOTD: - "I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down, - then I thought `One of us is in real trouble.'" - -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash -% -QOTD: - "I love your outfit, does it come in your size?" -% -QOTD: - "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position." -% -QOTD: - "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!" -% -QOTD: - "I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the - ball in their court." - -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs) -% -QOTD: - "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it - didn't work." -% -QOTD: - "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a - horse with one of the horns broken off." -% -QOTD: - "I treat her like a thoroughbred, and she's STILL a nag!" -% -QOTD: - "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return - it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower." -% -QOTD: - "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality." -% -QOTD: - "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with - the lost." -% -QOTD: - "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance." -% -QOTD: - "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job." -% -QOTD: - "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass." -% -QOTD: - "I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..." - -- Kathy Ireland -% -QOTD: - "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the - dog for dinner." -% -QOTD: - "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play - golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her." -% -QOTD: - "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything." -% -QOTD: - "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave." -% -QOTD: - "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie." -% -QOTD: - "If it's too loud, you're too old." -% -QOTD: - "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it." -% -QOTD: - "If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection." -% -QOTD: - "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD." -% -QOTD: - "I'm just a boy named 'su'..." -% -QOTD: - "I'm not a nerd -- I'm 'socially challenged.'" -% -QOTD: - I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged". - - [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.] -% -QOTD: - "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..." -% -QOTD: - "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it." -% -QOTD: - "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department." -% -QOTD: - "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many - stations anymore." -% -QOTD: - "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his - hands in his own pockets." -% -QOTD: - "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing." -% -QOTD: - "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out." -% -QOTD: - "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear." -% -QOTD: - "It's been Monday all week today." -% -QOTD: - "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun." -% -QOTD: - "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if - the ace is missing from his deck altogether." -% -QOTD: - "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name." -% -QOTD: - "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope." -% -QOTD: - "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at - them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective." -% -QOTD: - "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on - strike. To make less money." -% -QOTD: - "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back - all of my stuff." -% -QOTD: - "I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one." -% -QOTD: - "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing - trivial." -% -QOTD: - "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?" -% -QOTD: - "Let's do it." - -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad -% -QOTD: - "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die." -% -QOTD: - "Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical - mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying - on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn." - -- Goodstein, States of Matter -% -QOTD: - "Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch." -% -QOTD: - "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let - her husband work." -% -QOTD: - "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?" -% -QOTD: - "My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips." -% -QOTD: - "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships." -% -QOTD: - "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with - a fake?" -% -QOTD: - "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy." -% -QOTD: - "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty." -% -QOTD: - "On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there." -% -QOTD: - "Our parents were never our age." -% -QOTD: - "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies." -% -QOTD: - "Sacred cows make great hamburgers." -% -QOTD: - "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis - shoes on you and run you into the wall?" -% -QOTD: - "Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing." -% -QOTD: - "She's about as smart as bait." -% -QOTD: - "Silence is the only virtue he has left." -% -QOTD: - "Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives." -% -QOTD: - "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question." -% -QOTD: - "Talent does what it can, genius what it must. - I do what I get paid to do." -% -QOTD: - "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its - neck to get the dog to play with it." -% -QOTD: - "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." -% -QOTD: - "The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean - the snakes have gone away." -% -QOTD: - "The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the - gerbil has more dark meat." -% -QOTD: - "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking." -% -QOTD: - "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the - left." -% -QOTD: - "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!" -% -QOTD: - "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween." -% -QOTD: - "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you - think he was broken!" -% -QOTD: - "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding - when I mess things up." -% -QOTD: - "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call - "baring your neck." -% -QOTD: - "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs." -% -QOTD: - "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?" -% -QOTD: - "Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE? - Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great..." -% -QOTD: - "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them? - How... tribal." -% -QOTD: - "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth." -% -Quack! - Quack!! Quack!! -% -Quality control: - Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand - and add to the cost of its manufacture or design. -% -Quality Control, n.: - The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off -a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. -% -Quantity is no substitute for quality, -but its the only one we've got. -% -Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces! - -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party -% -Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me." -% -QUARK: - The sound made by a well bred duck. -% -Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck! -% -question = ( to ) ? be : ! be; - -- William Shakespeare -% -QUESTION AUTHORITY. - -(Sez who?) -% -Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until -they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them? -% -Questionable day. -Ask somebody something. -% -Question: -Man Invented Alcohol, -God Invented Grass. -Who do you trust? -% -Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! -% -Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!! -% -Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. - -(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) -% -Quigley's Law: - Whoever has any authority over you, - no matter how small, will attempt to use it. -% -Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away. - -- Robert Orben -% -Quite frankly, I don't like you humans. -After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment. -% -QUOTE OF THE DAY: - - ` - -% -Qvid me anxivs svm? -% -Radicalism: - The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC -READY ->_ -% -Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. -% -Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht. - -- Albert Einstein -% -rain falls where clouds come -sun shines where clouds go -clouds just come and go - -- Florian Gutzwiller -% -Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down. -% -Rainy days and Mondays always get me down. -% -Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity. -% -Ralph's Observation: -It is a mistake to let any mechanical object -realise that you are in a hurry. -% -RAM wasn't built in a day. -% -Random, n.: - as in number, predictable. - as in memory access, unpredictable. -% -Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking. -% -Rascal, am I? Take THAT! - -- Errol Flynn -% -Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer) - -Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose? -Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers? -Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties? -Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy? -Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick? -Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen - or so pencils from marking the cloth? -Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name? -Is illegal fishing something only a daring criminal would do? -Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow? -Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose? - -0-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood. -3-5 -- There is hope for you yet. -6-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City. -8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril. -11+ -- Does suicide seem attractive? -% -Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I -saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer -magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it -bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won -secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul -when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault -insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long -before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the -A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical -engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store? - -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president -% -Ray's Rule of Precision: - Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. -% -Razors pain you; -Rivers are damp; -Acids stain you; -And drugs cause cramp. -Guns aren't lawful; -Nooses give; -Gas smells awful; -You might as well live. - -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926 -% -Re: Graphics: - A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe - the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately - described with pictures. -% -Reach into the thoughts of friends, -And find they do not know your name. -Squeeze the teddy bear too tight, -And watch the feathers burst the seams. -Touch the stained glass with your cheek, -And feel its chill upon your blood. -Hold a candle to the night, -And see the darkness bend the flame. -Tear the mask of peace from God, -And hear the roar of souls in hell. -Pluck a rose in name of love, -And watch the petals curl and wilt. -Lean upon the western wind, -And know you are alone. - -- Dru Mims -% -Reactor error - core dumped! -% -Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of -Congress. But I repeat myself. - -- Mark Twain -% -Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own. -% -Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. -% -Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic -value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is -much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice -this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA. -% -Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has -limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are -so poor at I/O. -% -Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are -so long they can't afford the disk space. -% -Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write -in anything less portable than a number two pencil. -% -Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with -`programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count -(and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications). -% -Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how -could they read their mail? -% -Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on -future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens -will ever be able to fit on a single planet. -% -Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured -programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- -trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise -clear desks. -% -Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine -doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell -quiche. -% -Real programmers don't document; if it was -hard to write, it should be hard to understand. -% -Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the -illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much -good it did them. -% -Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires -you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers -wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly -spring up in the middle of the machine room. -% -Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write -in BASIC after reaching puberty. -% -Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress -freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who -wear white socks. -% -Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for -programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. -% -Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. -% -Real programs don't eat cache. -% -Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they -use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? -% -Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. -This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a -computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. -% -Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and -greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any -moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that -systems could be virtual at *_a_l_l* levels. They would like personal -computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your -DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their -Correctness Verification Aid packages. -% -Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the -job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like -using an undocumented external procedure. -% -Real Time, adj.: - Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there - and then. -% -Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never -afraid to break your face. -% -Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts -down the system for days. -% -Real Users hate Real Programmers. -% -Real Users know your home telephone number. -% -Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your -program doesn't deliver it. -% -Real Users never use the Help key. -% -Real wealth can only increase. - -- R. Buckminster Fuller -% -Real World, The n.: - 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may -be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To -programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related -to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and -tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. -4. The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. -"Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used -pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking -of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a -deceased person. -% -Reality -- what a concept! - -- Robin Williams -% -Reality always seems harsher in the early morning. -% -Reality does not exist - yet. -% -Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. -% -Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth? - -- Patrick Sky -% -Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs. - -- Lily Tomlin -% -Reality is for people who lack imagination. -% -Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity. - -- Alvy Ray Smith -% -Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction. -% -Reality is nothing but a collective hunch. - -- Lily Tomlin -% -Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go -away. - -- Philip K. Dick -% -Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature -cannot be fooled. - -- R. P. Feynman -% -Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!! -% -Reappraisal, n.: - An abrupt change of mind after being found out. -% -Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it. - -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" -% -Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than -being flat broke and having a stomach ache. - -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" -% -Recent investments will yield a slight profit. -% -Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man -is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator. - -- C. N. Parkinson -% -Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after -his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. -"Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the -microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the -bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie -Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven." -Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says: -"'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!" - -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller -% -Reception area, n.: - The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend - innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade - magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World, - while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine -- - Cosmopolitan. -% -Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you -lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, -but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and -Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions. -% -Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster: - (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit - (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of - Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!) - (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the - mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.) - (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it. - (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of - Qualactin Hypermint extract. - (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve. - (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor. - (8) Add an olive. - (9) Drink... but... very carefully... - -- Douglas Adams -% -Reclaimer, spare that tree! -Take not a single bit! -It used to point to me, -Now I'm protecting it. -It was the reader's CONS -That made it, paired by dot; -Now, GC, for the nonce, -Thou shalt reclaim it not. -% -Recursion is the root of computation -since it trades description for time. -% -Recursion: n. See Recursion. - -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary -% -Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts, -administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate. -% -Regnant populi. -% -Regression analysis: - Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are - getting worse. -% -Reichel's Law: - A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by - an outside force. -% -Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child. - -- Thomas Berger -% -Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: - If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. -% -Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest -knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die. - -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest" -% -...relaxed in the manner of a man who -has no need to put up a front of any kind. - -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy" -% -Reliable source, n.: - The guy you just met. -% -Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. - -- Anatole France -% -Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple. -% -Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. - -- Napoleon -% -Religions revolve madly around sexual questions. -% -Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our -extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille. - -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic - Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" -% -Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used -it. - -- Dave Barry -% -Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%. -% -Remember Darwin; building a better -mousetrap merely results in smarter mice. -% -Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled -with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two -deserts. - -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59 -% -Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good -offense! -% -Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat. -% -Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 MPH are also timed for 70 MPH. - -- Jim Samuels -% -Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't -have an established user base. -% -Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over -the first one. - -- Confusion -% -Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's -*not* the U.S. Army doing it! - -- "Good Morning, Vietnam" -% -Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure -that you're the one holding it. - -- Mr. Greenfatigues -% -Remember, no matter where you go, there you are. - -- Buckaroo Banzai (Peter Weller) - "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai - Across The Eighth Dimension" -% -Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. - -- Dave Butler -% -Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when -you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. - -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" -% -Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy. - -- Hans Liepmann -% -Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be -worse in Cleveland. - -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" -% -Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular? -% -Remember the... the... uhh..... -% -Remember thee -Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat -In this distracted globe. Remember thee! -Yea, from the table of my memory -I'll wipe away all trivial fond records, -All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past, -That youth and observation copied there. - -- William Shakespeare, "Hamlet" -% -Remember to say hello to your bank teller. -% -Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. - -- Mt. -% -Remember: use logout to logout. -% -Remembering is for those who have forgotten. - -- Chinese proverb -% -Remove me from this land of slaves, -Where all are fools, and all are knaves, -Where every knave and fool is bought, -Yet kindly sells himself for nought; - -- Jonathan Swift -% -Removing the straw that broke the camel's back -does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again. -% -Renning's Maxim: - Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying. -% -Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late. - -- Mark Twain -% -Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid. - -- Indiana University football cheer -% -Reply hazy, ask again later. -% -Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?" -Yogi Berra: "Closed." -% -Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?" -Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back." -% -Reporter, n.: - A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a - tempest of words. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system? - -SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that -the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can -carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away." -I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind -of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to -do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of -ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we -need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political -career by being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but -that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I -can't help it. - -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" -% -Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): - Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? -Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. -% -Reputation, adj.: - What others are not thinking about you. -% -Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works -you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either, -so you're still a valiant nerd. -% -Research is to see what everybody else has seen, -and think what nobody else has thought. -% -Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. - -- Wernher von Braun -% -Research, n.: - Consider Columbus: - He didn't know where he was going. - When he got there he didn't know where he was. - When he got back he didn't know where he had been. - And he did it all on someone else's money. -% -Resisting temptation is easier when you -think you'll probably get another chance later on. -% -Responsibility: - Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is -a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something -goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it -is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is. - -- Cerebus, "On Governing" -% -Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you -actually have a shot at it. -% -Reunite Gondwanaland! -% -Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean? -Bobby: Slow down. -Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean? -Bobby: Slow down. -Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light.... -% -Revenge is a form of nostalgia. -% -Revenge is a meal best served cold. -% -Review Questions - -1: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, - and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before - he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the - Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? - -2: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks - twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks - every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off - his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? - -3: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers - the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in - a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King - Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? -% -Revolution, n.: - A form of government abroad. -% -Revolution, n.: - In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Revolutionary, adj.: - Repackaged. -% -Rhode's Law: - When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, - or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or - circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, - estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose - of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or - personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the - above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and - adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably, - and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to - assume otherwise, maybe. -% -Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men -should be happier than others. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life. -He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress, -lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the -world. - -- Barry Goldwater -% -Riches cover a multitude of woes. - -- Menander -% -Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?" -Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is - going on here." -Croupier (handing money to Renault): - "Your winnings, sir." -Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much." - -- "Casablanca" (1942) -% -Riffle West Virginia is so small that the -Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk. -% -Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. - -- Steven Wright -% -"Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither -machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not -rights, which they use or do not use. - -- Lazarus Long -% -Ring around the collar. -% -Ritchie's Rule: - (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency. - (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job. - (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost. -% -Robot, n.: - Someone who's been made by a scientist. -% -Robot, n.: - University administrator. -% -Robustness, adj.: - Never having to say you're sorry. -% -Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention - Unless the results are known in advance, - funding agencies will reject the proposal. -% -Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to -become necessary. - -- Edgar Friedenberg -% -Rome was not built in one day. - -- John Heywood -% -Rome wasn't burnt in a day. -% -ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. -MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church- - door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. -% -Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill, -He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still, -Juliet was waiting with a safety net, -Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet". - -- Elvis Costello -% -Romeo wasn't bilked in a day. - -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With - Pogo" -% -Roses are red; - Violets are blue. -I'm schizophrenic, - And so am I. -% -Rotten wood cannot be carved. - -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9 -% -Round Numbers are always false. - -- Samuel Johnson -% -Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream... -% -Rubber bands have snappy endings! -% -Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?" -Yogi Berra: "You mean now?" -% -Rudd's Discovery: - You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make - $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can - stay in Washington and make it there. -% -Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength. -% -Rudin's Law: - If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will - do it every time. - -Rudin's Second Law: - In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative - courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible - course. -% -Rugby, n.: - Elegant violence. - - (Rugby players eat their dead.) - (Blood makes the grass grow!) - (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!) - - [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.] -% -RUGGED: - Too heavy to lift. -% -Rule #1: - The Boss is always right. - -Rule #2: - If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1. -% -Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: - Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall -be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person -shall be deemed to be a cat. -% -Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence. - Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is -not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may -sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they -regain their composure. -% -Rule of Creative Research: - 1) Never draw what you can copy. - 2) Never copy what you can trace. - 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. -% -Rule of Defactualization: - Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. -% -Rule of Feline Frustration: - When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly - content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the - bathroom. -% -Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage. -% -Rule of the Great: - When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep - thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. -% -Rule the Empire through force. - -- Shogun Tokugawa -% -Rules: - (1) The boss is always right. - (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1. -% -Rules for Academic Deans: - (1) HIDE!!!! - (2) If they find you, LIE!!!! - -- Father Damian C. Fandal -% -Rules for driving in New York: - 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. - 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on. - 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the - intersection. -% -Rules for Good Grammar #4. - 1: Don't use no double negatives. - 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents. - 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should. - 4: About them sentence fragments. - 5: When dangling, watch your participles. - 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects. - 7: Just between you and i, case is important. - 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read. - 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary. -10: Try to not ever split infinitives. -11: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly. -12: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out. -13: Correct speling is essential. -14: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with. -15: While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally - careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not - become ensconced in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation. -% -Rules for Writers: - Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double -negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate; -and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and -omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are -unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with -a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens. -Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing. -Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on -us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have -snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've -told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also, -avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional -phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of -death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'" -% -RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED - (1) Never eat on an empty stomach. - (2) Never leave the table hungry. - (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry. - (4) Enjoy your food. - (5) Enjoy your companion's food. - (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to - accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. - (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, - for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a - brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks? - (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. - (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You - can always eat it later. - (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. - (11) Avoid blue food. - -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet" -% -Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish. - -- Lao Tsu -% -Rune's Rule: - If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. -% -Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant. - -- John Cameron Swayze -% -Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week, -he might have lasted a long time and become a great star. - -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change - from being a pitcher to an outfielder. - Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" -% -Ryan's Law: - Make three correct guesses consecutively - and you will establish yourself as an expert. -% -RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY -RY RY -RY WELCOME TO THE BABBAGE ANALYTICAL TIMESHARING SERVICE RY -RY * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * RY -RY RY -RY PLEASE NOTE THAT THE INTEGRATOR IS CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE RY -RY DUE TO THE WEEKLY GREASING SCHEDULE. WOULD ALL USERS KINDLY RY -RY RETURN ANY UNUSED PLUGBOARDS, AS THE PROGRAMMING TEAM ARE RY -RY RUNNING LOW. DIVISION UNIT 3 WILL BE OUT OF ACTION UNTIL RY -RY THURSDAY DUE TO EMERGENCY COG REPLACEMENT - PLEASE ENSURE RY -RY THAT YOUR PROGRAM DOES NOT ATTEMPT TO DIVIDE BY ZERO AS RY -RY THIS CAN CAUSE SEVERE DAMAGE (INCLUDING SHAFT BREAKAGES). RY -RY RY -RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY -. -. -SYSTEM READY. -? - -- Chris Suslowicz -% -Sacher's Observation: - Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell. -% -Sacred cows make great hamburgers. -% -SADISM: - A sadist refusing to whip a masochist. -% -Sadoequinecrophilia, n.: - Beating a dead horse. -% -Safety Third. -% -Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence - Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. - - 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, - bugs, ants. - 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships. - 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate. - 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter. - 5. Exotic birds flock around you. - 6. People ignore you at parties. - 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning. - 8. You no longer get off on cocaine. -% -SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE: - - In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the -Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered -to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international -space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would -violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by -turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction -center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place. -% -SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless - tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority - of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People - laugh at you a great deal. -% -SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) - Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding - ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and - obnoxious self. Call your mother. -% -SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21) - Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will - backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue - impulse you have to push her out into traffic. -% -Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I -got started one night when George came home and found one burning in -the ashtray." -% -Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark. - -- Heard on Noah's ark -% -Sailors in ships, sail on! -Even while we died, others rode out the storm. -% -Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent. - -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi" -% -Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed -in small amounts over a long period of time. - -- George Carlin -% -Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings - with me. -Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained - to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not - letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around - sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry. -Sally: It's called "trust," Ted. -Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into - uncharted waters here. - -- Sally Forth -% -Sam: What's going on, Normie? -Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in - it, and I'll blow out my liver. - -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone - -Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin? -Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut. - Found him every couple of blocks. - -- Cheers, Head Over Hill -% -Sam: What do you know there, Norm? -Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me? - -- Cheers, Loverboyd - -Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm? -Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead. - -- Cheers, Loverboyd - -Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room. - -- Cheers, Loverboyd -% -Sam: What's the good word, Norm? -Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz. -Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer... -Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah... -Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up. - -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday - -Sam: Whaddya say, Norm? -Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes. - -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor - -Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer. - -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie -% -Sam: What do you say, Norm? -Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer. - -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice - -Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie? -Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town? - -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up - -Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody. -All: Norm! (Norman.) -Sam: Still pouring, Norm? -Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing. - -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare -% -Sam: What's new, Norm? -Norm: Most of my wife. - -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One - -Coach: Beer, Norm? -Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it. - -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone - -Coach: What's doing, Norm? -Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen - to be the guinea pig. - -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways -% -SAN DIEGO: - Four million people, where you can't get a - good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try. -% -San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the -people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When -they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me. -One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo. - -- George Halas, professional football coach -% -San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. - -- Herb Caen -% -San Francisco, n.: - Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. -% -Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line. -% -Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind. - -- Mark Harrold -% -Sank heaven for leetle curls. -% -Santa Claus is watching! -% -Santa Claus wears a red suit -He's a Communist. - -He has long hair and a beard -Must be a pacifist. - -And what's in the pipe that he's smoking? - -Santa Claus comes in your house at night. -He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight. - -Why do police guys beat on peace guys? - -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus" -% -Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. -% -Satellite Safety Tip #14: - If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. -% -Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone. -% -Satire is tragedy plus time. - -- Lenny Bruce -% -Satire is what closes in New Haven. -% -Satire is what closes Saturday night. - -- George Kaufman -% -Sattinger's Law: - It works better if you plug it in. -% -Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, -Is like being nowhere at all, -All through the day how the hours rush by, -You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. - -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" -% -Satyrs have more faun. -% -Sauron is alive in Argentina! -% -Savage's Law of Expediency: - You want it bad, you'll get it bad. -% -Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be -surprised at how little you have. - -- Ernest Haskins -% -Save a tree -- kill an ISO working group today. - -- Jason Zions -% -Save energy: Drive a smaller shell. -% -Save energy: be apathetic. -% -Save gas, don't eat beans. -% -Save gas, don't use the shell. -% -Save the bales! -% -Save the whales. Collect the whole set. -% -Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda. -% -Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds! -% -Say! You've struck a heap of trouble-- -Bust in business, lost your wife; -No one cares a cent about you, -You don't care a cent for life; -Hard luck has of hope bereft you, -Health is failing, wish you'd die-- -Why, you've still the sunshine left you -And the big blue sky. - -- R. W. Service -% -Say it with flowers, -Or say it with mink, -But whatever you do, -Don't say it with ink! - -- Jimmie Durante -% -Say many of cameras focused t'us, -Our middle-aged shots do us justice. -No justice, please, curse ye! -We really want mercy: -You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us. - -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt -% -Say my love is easy had, -Say I'm bitten raw with pride, -Say I am too often sad -- -Still behold me at your side. - -Say I'm neither brave nor young, -Say I woo and coddle care, -Say the devil touched my tongue, -Still you have my heart to wear. - -But say my verses do not scan, -And I get me another man! - -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words" -% -Say no, then negotiate. - -- Helga -% -Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies. -% -Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout. -% -SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! - -- Ken Thompson -% -SCENARIO: - An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in - which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in - sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case. -% -Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful. -% -Scene: - A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living -room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and -white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in -filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his -shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy -intently watching him. - -Caption: - I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you. -% -Schapiro's Explanation: - The grass is always greener on the other side -- - but that's because they use more manure. -% -Schizophrenia beats being alone. -% -Schlattwhapper, n.: - The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, - hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Schmidt's Observation: - All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap - than a thin person. -% -Schwiggle, n.: - The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a - pencil. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Science and religion are in full accord but -science and faith are in complete discord. -% -Science Fiction, Double Feature. -Frank has built and lost his creature. -Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet. -The servants gone to a distant planet. -Wo, oh, oh, oh. -At the late night, double feature, Picture show. -I want to go, oh, oh, oh. -To the late night, double feature, Picture show. - -- Rocky Horror Picture Show -% -Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a -collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones -is a house. - -- Jules Henri Poincar'e -% -Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made -of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts -is not necessarily science. - -- Jules Henri Poincar'e -% -Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes -out, but that is not the reason we are doing it - -- Richard Feynman -% -Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing. -% -Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. -% -Science may someday discover what faith has always known. -% -Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art! -Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes. -Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart, -Vulture, whose wings are dull realities? -How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise? -Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering -To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies, -Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing? -Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car? -And driven the Hamadryad from the wood -To seek a shelter in some happier star? -Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood, -The Elfin from the green grass, and from me -The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree? - -- Edgar Allan Poe, "Science, a Sonnet" -% -Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it. - -- William F. Buckley - -% -Scientists still know less about what attracts men -than they do about what attracts mosquitoes. - -- Dr. Joyce Brothers, - "What Every Woman Should Know About Men" -% -Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question. -They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that -was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were -linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights -started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there -was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky, -struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently -together. "There is now", came the reply. -% -Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific, -Fain how I pause at your nature specific, -Loftily poised in the ether capacious, -Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous. -Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific, -Fain how I pause at your nature specific. -% -Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance. -% -SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) - You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve - the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most - Scorpio people are murdered. -% -SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) - Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check - for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want - to throw up. Knock it off. -% -SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21) - You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million - dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to - subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance - to win. You never learn. -% -Scott's first Law: - No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. -% -Scott's second Law: - When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found -to have been wrong in the first place. - -Corollary: - After the correction has been found in error, it will be -impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation. -% -Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! -Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? -Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. -Kirk: Then it's of external origin? -Spock: Affirmative. -Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. -Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. -% -Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. -% -Scribline, n.: - The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's - signature goes. - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" -% -Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the -Presidency. - -- Richard M. Nixon -% -'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky! - -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix -% -Sears has everything. -% -Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks. -% -Second Law of Business Meetings: - If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you - will pick the wrong one. - -Corollary: - If there is only one way to spell a name, - you will spell it wrong, anyway. -% -Second Law of Final Exams: - In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most - distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you. -% -Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny. -% -Secretary's Revenge: - Filing almost everything under "the". -% -Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State). - In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a -multiline message byte. - In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message -must be sent passive true. - The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter: - (1) The ANRS if DAV is false - (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither: - (a) The LADS is active - (b) Nor LACS is active - - -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for - Programmable Instrumentation -% -Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! -% -Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes? -[Who guards the Guardians?] -% -Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. -She scissored short. Sorely shorn, -Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, -Silently scheming, -Sightlessly seeking -Some savage, spectacular suicide. - -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" -% -See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ... -% -See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause -the second one should have seen it. -% -Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what -was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney -who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to -himself to demonstrate his commitment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and -asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation. - "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so -far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches." -% -Seeing is believing. -You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it. -% -Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing. - -- James Thurber -% -Seeing that death, a necessary end, -Will come when it will come. - -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" -% -Seek simplicity -- and distrust it. - -- Alfred North Whitehead -% -Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were -driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the -mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by -luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged -rocks. They all got out of the car: - The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it." - The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it -into town and have a specialist look at it." - The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back -in and see if it does it again." -% -Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription -counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help -you?". - The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please." - "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would -you like me to put it on your bill?" - Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?" -% -Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans -to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, -the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around. -During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's -work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your -dreams!" - A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. -Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is -completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and -other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields -are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. -"Look what God and you have accomplished together!" - "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was -like when God was working it alone!" -% -Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska, -and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash -register. - "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?" - "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man. - "GRIZZLIES?!?!" - "A few." - "Got any bear bells?" - "What's that?" - "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so -bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black -bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly -country, anyhow?" - "Look fer scat. Grizzly scat's different from black bear scat." - "Well now, what's IN grizzly scat that's different?" - "Bear bells." -% -Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll. -Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?" - -In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?" -In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?" -In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?" -In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?" -% -Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his -doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man -that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more -months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation. -Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously, -and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better. -He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him -up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve." - The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?" - "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within -a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne -out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth. -When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy -some new underwear. - The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34." - "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The -salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing -that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts. - Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you, -you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches." -% -Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for -Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed. -% -Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow! - -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) -% -Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: - Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily. -% -Self Test for Paranoia: - You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's - your own fault. -% -Seminars, n.: - From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion. -% -semper en excretus -% -SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!! -% -Senate, n.: - A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and - misdemeanors. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Send some filthy mail. -% -Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root. - -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide" -% -SENILITY: - The state of mind of elderly persons - with whom one happens to disagree. -% -Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very -little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists. -In fact he is further to the right than General Batista. - -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958 -% -Sentient plasmoids are a gas. -% -Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share. - -- Graham Greene -% -SERENDIPITY: - The process by which human knowledge is advanced. -% -Serenity through viciousness. -% -Serfs up! - -- Spartacus -% -Serocki's Stricture: - Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. -% -Serving coffee on an aircraft causes turbulence. -% -Set the cart before the horse. - -- John Heywood -% -Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a -swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were -there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages -retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby, -some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the -fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite -loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security -guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's -anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." -% -Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a -big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at -reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's -build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up -like crabgrass all over the United States. - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" -% -Sex and drugs and rock and roll, -Is all my brain and body need. -Sex and drugs and rock and roll, -Are very good indeed. - -Take your silly ways, -Throw them out the window, -The wisdom of your ways, -I've been there and I know, -Lots of other ways... - -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties" -% -Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly. -% -Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it. - -- Lewis Grizzard -% -Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke. -% -Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich, -if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important. - -- Ian Dury -% -Sex is an emotion in motion. - -- Mae West -% -Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is -for diet Coke. - -- Malcolm MacDougall -% -Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn. - -- Garrison Keillor -% -Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad, -it's still darn tasty! -% -Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are -unimportant. - -- Henry Miller -% -Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. - -- M. C. Reed -% -Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the -most amount of trouble. - -- John Barrymore -% -Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is -repeated until infinity. - -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist - Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines, - 1973. -% -Sex without love is an empty experience, but, -as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. - -- Woody Allen -% -Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon -how children do not come into the world. - -- Karl Kraus -% -Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so! -% -Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: -always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary? - -- J. M. Barrie -% -Shame is an improper emotion invented by -pietists to oppress the human race. - -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria" -% -Shannon's Observation - Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation - that is beginning to improve. -% -Share, n.: - To give in, endure humiliation. -% -Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off -during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. - -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every - Teen Should Know" -% -Shaw's Principle: - Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will - want to use it. -% -She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking -good. - -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" -% -She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge, -containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax -for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having -the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use. - -In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick, -not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the -worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it." - -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House" -% -She asked me, "What's your sign?" -I blinked and answered "Neon," -I thought I'd blow her mind... -% -She been married so many times -she got rice marks all over her face. - -- Tom Waits -% -She blinded me with science! -% -She can kill all your files; -She can freeze with a frown. -And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down. -And she works on her code until ten after three. -She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me. - -- Apologies to Billy Joel -% -She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. - -- Tommy Manville -% -She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud. -% -She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to. - -- Gypsy Rose Lee -% -She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. - -- Mark Twain -% -She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few -years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and -left. Excited a few men in the meantime. - -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's - involvement in "The Avengers". -% -She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them -were bad. -% -She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him -a look that you could have poured on a waffle. -% -She often gave herself very good advice -(though she very seldom followed it). - -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) -% -She ran the gamut of emotions from "A" to "B". - -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance -% -She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you. -Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored -women the world would be a different place, I can tell you. - -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple" -% -She sells cshs by the cshore. -% -She stood on the tracks -Waving her arms -Leading me to that third rail shock -Quick as a wink -She changed her mind - -She gave me a night -That's all it was -What will it take until I stop -Kidding myself -Wasting my time - -There's nothing else I can do -'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna -I don't want anyone new -'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna -There's nothing in it for you -'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna - -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses) -% -She was bred in ol' Kentucky -But she's just a crumb up here -She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed -With a cauliflower ear -Someday we will be married -And if vegetables become too dear -I'll just cut me a slice of -Her cauliflower ear! - -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges" -% -She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is -good at being short. - -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe -% -She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still. -% -She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver. -% -She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead! -% -Shedenhelm's Law: - All trails have more uphill sections - than they have downhill sections. -% -"Shelter", what a nice name for a place where you polish your cat. -% -Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then -turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a -bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last -night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British -aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.' - -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton - bad fiction contest. -% -Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken -him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess -of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature. - -- Samuel Johnson -% -She's genuinely bogus. -% -She's learned to say things with her eyes -that others waste time putting into words. -% -She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer. -% -She's such a kinky girl, -The kind you don't take home to mother. -She will never let your spirits down -Once you get her off the street. -% -She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. - -- Mae West -% -Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits... -% -Shick's Law: - There is no problem a good miracle can't solve. -% -Shift to the left, -Shift to the right, -Mask in, mask out, -BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!! -% -SHIFT TO THE LEFT! -SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! -POP UP, PUSH DOWN, -BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! -% -Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there. -% -Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks -in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was -laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society -of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable -comments: - - "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..." - "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..." - "A man for all seasons. Really..." - -After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful -it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead -body join her long dead brain. -% -Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, -they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee. - -- Terry Southern -% -Short people get rained on last. -% -Show business is just like high school, except you get paid. - -- Martin Mull -% -Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot. -Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade. - -- Leo Durocher -% -Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is -playing golf with his boss. -% -Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. -% -Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response. -% -Showing up is 80% of life. - -- Woody Allen -% -Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer. - -- Voltaire -% -Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. -[If youth but knew, if old age but could.] - -- Henri Estienne -% -Sic transit gloria Monday! -% -Sic transit gloria mundi. -[So passes away the glory of this world.] - -- Thomas a Kempis -% -Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi. -% -Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art. -% -Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips. -% -Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs. -% -Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. - -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet -% -Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak -up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to -raise bloody hell. - -- Herbert Block -% -Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves. - -- Thomas Carlyle -% -Silence is the only virtue you have left. -% -sillema sillema nika su -[translation: look it up...hint-fin] -% -Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. -% -Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking -a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the -carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed -the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out -of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest -intersection in town. BUT! - -Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d........... -BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL! - -Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient. -She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage. -(OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty! -And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT! - -Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d........... -BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN! -% -Silverman's Law: - If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. -% -Simon's Law: - Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. -% -Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it. -% -Simulated fortune: - - The head and in frontal attack on an english writer that the - character of this point is therefore another method for the - letters that the time of who ever told the problem for an - unexpected. - - -- by Claude E. Shannon -% -Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials. - -- Hubert Kirrman -% -Sin boldly. - -- Martin Luther -% -Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. -% -Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. -All other "sins" are invented nonsense. -(Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid). - -- Lazarus Long -% -Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised -when others believe him. - -- Charles DeGaulle -% -Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace! -% -Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space, -cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward -this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune. -% -Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, -having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well -burst out in laughter. - -- Long Chen Pa -% -Since I hurt my pendulum -My life is all erratic. -My parrot who was cordial -Is now transmitting static. -The carpet died, a palm collapsed, -The cat keeps doing poo. -The only thing that keeps me sane -Is talking to my shoe. - -- My Shoe -% -Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos. - -- Tom Stoppard -% -Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're -alive. - -- John Sloan -% -Since we're all here, we must not be all there. - -- Bob "Mountain" Beck -% -Sink or Swim with Teddy! -% -Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever. -% -Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable. - -- C-3PO -% -[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues -I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - -- Winston Churchill -% -Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of -Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from -loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!" - -God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all -the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way. -It'll cost you though". - -"Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and -the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?" - -"An arm and a leg", said God. - -Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get -for a rib?" -% -Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful -objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill -gives us modern art. - -- Tom Stoppard -% -Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): - That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, - or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you - should have gotten. -% -skldfjkljklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil -h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui135 2 -kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[, - [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf'] - sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y - - -Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it! -% -Slang is language that takes off its coat, -spits on its hands, and goes to work. -% -Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when -a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent -songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as -those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether -beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep, -breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest -anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God -for deliverance from chains. - -- Frederick Douglass -% -Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink. - -- W. C. Fields -% -Sleep is for the weak and sickly. -% -Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: - 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. - 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. - 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is - attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is - attracted to dark objects. -% -Slous' Contention: - If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it. -% -Slow day. -Practice crawling. -% -Slowly and surely the Unix crept up on the Nintendo user ... -% -Slurm, n.: - The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when - it sits in the dish too long. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Small change can often be found under seat cushions. -% -Small is beautiful. - -- Schumacher's Dictum -% -Small things make base men proud. - -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" -% -Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my -teacher was in my class for five years. - -- George Burns -% -Smear the road with a runner!! -% -Smile! You're on Candid Camera. -% -Smile, Cthulhu Loathes You. -% -Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult. - -- Fran Lebowitz -% -SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!! - Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the - U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS), - describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on - the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be - filed 30 days in advance. -% -Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. - -- Fletcher Knebel -% -Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts. -% -Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure! - -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office -% -Snacktrek, n.: - The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly - returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will - have materialized. - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" -% -Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes? -% -SNAPPY REPARTEE: - What you'd say if you had another chance. -% -Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from. -% -Snow and adolescence are the only problems -that disappear if you ignore them long enough. -% -Snow Day -- stay home. -% -Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours -shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she -mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks -for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right -with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps -the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come." -% -So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate -your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and -hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast -array of 8-millimeter video equipment. - -... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you -were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format -that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as -toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be -made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a -format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*. - -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics - Revolution" -% -So... did you ever wonder, do garbage men take showers before they -go to work? -% -So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making. -A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force -they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because -of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose -only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only -purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of -strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force. -Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore. - -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193 -% -So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in -praise of intelligence. - -- Bertrand Russell -% -So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far -as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical -way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist. - -- T. S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire -% -So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course -of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a -friendly basis -- great Dirbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth -could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could -use; mighty Dirbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely- -for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible -the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to -extrapolate the location of their kitchens). - -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost" -% -So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back? -% -So, if there's no God, who changes the water? - -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl -% -So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face. - -- Yogi Berra -% -So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as -large as it needs to be? -% -So little time, so little to do. - -- Oscar Levant -% -So live that you wouldn't be ashamed -to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. -% -So many beautiful women and so little time. - -- John Barrymore -% -So many men and so little time. -% -So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way. - -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) -% -So many women, and so little time! -% -So many women, so little nerve. -% -So much food, and so little time! -% -So much -depends -upon -a red - -wheel -barrow -glazed with - -rain -water -beside -the white -chickens. - -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow" -% -So now -that you have- - -you know, whoever - -you're trying -to do - -a favor -for - --you've done it- - -and I'm sure -you had - -a smirk -on your mouth - -as you got me -into this. - -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot, - composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public - Radio. From SPY Magazine, November 1992 -% -So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and -at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into -the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married -the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum -himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing -the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of -their boots. - -- Samuel Foote -% -So so is good, very good, very excellent good: -and yet it is not; it is but so so. - -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" -% -So... so you think you can tell -Heaven from Hell? -Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade -Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts? -From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees? -A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze? -Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change? - Did you exchange - A walk on part in a war - For the lead role in a cage? - -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here" -% -So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? -And why can't he ever remember his Bible? -% -So, you better watch out! -You better not cry! -You better not pout! -I'm telling you why, -Santa Claus is coming, to town. - -He knows when you've been sleeping, -He know when you're awake. -He knows if you've been bad or good, -He has ties with the CIA. -So... -% -So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality -all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have -tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal -recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of -the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment -and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of -eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep... -% -So you think that money is the root of all evil. -Have you ever asked what is the root of money? - -- Ayn Rand -% -So you're back... about time... -% -Soap and education are not as sudden as a -massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. - -- Mark Twain -% -SOCIALISM: - You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour. -COMMUNISM: - You have two cows. - Give both to the government. The government gives you milk. -CAPITALISM: - You sell one cow and buy a bull. -FASCISM: - You have two cows. Give milk to the government. - The government sells it. -NAZISM: - The government shoots you and takes the cows. -NEW DEALISM: - The government shoots one cow, - milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. -ANARCHISM: - Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government. -CONSERVATISM: - Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows. -% -Sodd's Second Law: - Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is -bound to occur. -% -Software, n.: - Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. -% -Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run -like a staff function." - -- Paul Licker -% -Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more -"user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all -the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover. - -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc. -% -Soldiers who wish to be a hero -Are practically zero, -But those who wish to be civilians, -They run into the millions. -% -Solipsists of the World... you are already united. - -- Kayvan Sylvan -% -Solutions are obvious if one only has the -optical power to observe them over the horizon. - -- K. A. Arsdall -% -Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, -and some few to be chewed and digested. - -- Francis Bacon - [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.] -% -Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them. -Others are so fast, they don't notice you. -% -Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, -as when you find a trout in the milk. - -- Thoreau -% -Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. -% -Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit. -% -Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke. -% -Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning. -% -Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. - -- Edgar W. Howe -% -Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right -places! - -- Mae West -% -Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, -and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. - -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" -% -Some men are discovered; others are found out. -% -Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think -about sex at all... they become lawyers. - -- Woody Allen -% -Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness -that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it. -% -Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit. - -- Maureen Murphy -% -Some men feel that the only thing they owe -the woman who marries them is a grudge. - -- Helen Rowland -% -Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear -lest she should catch a cold on overexposure. - -- Samuel Butler -% -Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen. - -- Woodie Guthrie -% -Some men who fear that they are playing -second fiddle aren't in the band at all. -% -Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is. -The answer is: I don't know. -Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast? -% -Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the -old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent -I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the -13th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is -the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some -Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the -Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is -an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of -"lekare". - "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist - is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with - fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring - it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the - heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given - newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail, - and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he - shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what - he received, shame and wounds." -% -Some of the things that live the longest -in peoples' memories never really happened. -% -Some of them want to use you, -Some of them want to be used by you, -...Everybody's looking for something. - -- Eurythmics, "Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)" -% -Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. - -- Gloria Steinem -% -Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to -celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around -stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on -"The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind -of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The -government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level -Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and -billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which -it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming -thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with -the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money -and go to a mall. - -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" -% -Some parts of the past must be preserved, -and some of the future prevented at all costs. -% -Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional -transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into -two-dimensional ones. - -- F. Frederick Skitty -% -Some people carve careers, others chisel them. -% -Some people cause happiness wherever -they go; others, whenever they go. -% -Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep, -but at least you only have to climb it once. -% -Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have -only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk." -% -Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled. -% -Some people have parts that are so private -they themselves have no knowledge of them. -% -Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit -them on the head. -% -Some people live life in the fast lane. -You're in oncoming traffic. -% -Some people manage by the book, even though they -don't know who wrote the book or even what book. -% -Some people need a good imaginary cure -for their painful imaginary ailment. -% -Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed. -% -Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for. -% -Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a -rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best. - -- P. J. O'Rourke -% -Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains. -They say things they haven't even thought of yet. -% -Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when -you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even -worse. - -- Avery -% -Some points to remember [about animals]: - -(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, - hippopotamuses; -(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the - front of your clothes; -(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs - you have just kicked. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -Some primal termite knocked on wood. -And tasted it, and found it good. -And that is why your Cousin May -Fell through the parlor floor today. - -- Ogden Nash -% -Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand -progress. - -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 -% -Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall. -% -Some say the world will end in fire, -Some say in ice. -From what I've tasted of desire -I hold with those who favor fire. -But if it had to perish twice -I think I know enough of hate -To say that for destruction, ice -Is also great -And would suffice - -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice" -% -Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books. - -- Folk saying -% -Some things have to be believed to be seen. -% -Somebody left the cork out of my lunch. - -- W. C. Fields -% -Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers -so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear. -% -Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road, -Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code, -Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck, -When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck. - -Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise, -Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice. -Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat, -That don't smell very nice -- -He's nobody's moggy now. - -Oh you who love your pussy, -Be sure to keep him in. -Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play -The truck is bound to win. On the road way -And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that, -Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing -If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!" -It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat! - And your pussy will be slightly dead, -He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat! -Just red and squashed and soggy -- -He's nobody's moggy now. - -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper" -% -Somebody's terminal is dropping bits. -I found a pile of them over in the corner. -% -Someday somebody has got to decide whether the -typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it. -% -Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will -probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a -blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh. - -- Mister Boffo -% -Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car. - -- Evan Davis -% -Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it? -% -Someday your prints will come. - -- Kodak -% -Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing -when I was passing through satisfaction. - -- Ashleigh Brilliant -% -Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it. -% -Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York -City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to -Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound." - -- David Letterman -% -Someone is speaking well of you. -How unusual! -% -Someone is unenthusiastic about your work. -% -Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow. -% -Someone will try to honk your nose today. -% -Something better... - - 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? - 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow. - 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore - something larger. Like ... Wyoming. - 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us. - 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen - minutes late. - 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your - own ear. - 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't - mind putting that thing away. - 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important. - It's what's in it that matters. - 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye - Seattle. -10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95. -11 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps - changing tempo. -12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose." - -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne" -% -Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth. - -- Benjamin Disraeli -% -Something's rotten in the state of Denmark. - -- William Shakespeare -% -Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder... -and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn. - -- N. V. Plyter -% -Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. - -- Sigmund Freud -% -Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a -fool is despised only because he is a lawyer. - -- Montesquieu -% -Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm -smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them. - -- Richard M. Nixon -% -Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. - -- Seneca -% -Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away, -Looking at me, I got nothin' to say. -Don't make me angry with the things games that you play, -Either light up or leave me alone. -% -Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and -the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the -world. - -- Robert Stone -% -Sometimes I live in the country, -And sometimes I live in town. -And sometimes I have a great notion, -To jump in the river and drown. -% -Sometimes I simply feel that the whole -world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray. -% -Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind. -Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever. - -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame" -% -Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. - -- Lily Tomlin -% -Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes. - -- Repo Man -% -Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools. -% -SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw -back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears -me because I am beautiful. - -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) -% -Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something. -% -Sometimes the light is all shining on me, -Other times I can hardly see. -Lately it occurs to me -What a long strange trip it's been. - -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty" -% -Sometimes, too long is too long. - -- Joe Crowe -% -Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel -like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat -before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and -forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity. - -- Snoopy -% -Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means -to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her. - -- Andy Capp -% -Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone -else is driving. - -- David Letterman -% -Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living. -% -Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering. -% -Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a -woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. - -- Sam Levenson -% -Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. - -- Carl Sagan -% -Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which -the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can -make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears. -But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with an ear full of cider. - -- Sky Masterson's Father -% -Song Title of the Week: - "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change -in me." -% -Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already -paid may disregard this fortune). -% -Sorry. I forget what I was going to say. -% -Sorry. Nice try. -% -Sorry never means having you're say to love. -% -Sorry, no fortune this time. -% -Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly -big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the -drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -Space is to place as eternity is to time. - -- Joseph Joubert -% -Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve. - -- Wheeler -% -Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. -Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life -and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before. - -- Captain James T. Kirk -% -Spagmumps, n.: - Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order - items. - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" -% -Spare no expense to save money on this one. - -- Samuel Goldwyn -% -Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: - If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as -if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question -back at him. -% -Speak roughly to your little boy, - And beat him when he sneezes: -He only does it to annoy - Because he knows it teases. - - Wow! wow! wow! - -I speak severely to my boy, - And beat him when he sneezes: -For he can thoroughly enjoy - The pepper when he pleases! - - Wow! wow! wow! - -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) -% -Speak roughly to your little VAX, - And boot it when it crashes; -It knows that one cannot relax - Because the paging thrashes! - - Wow! Wow! Wow! - -I speak severely to my VAX, - And boot it when it crashes; -In spite of all my favorite hacks - My jobs it always thrashes! - - Wow! Wow! Wow! -% -Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. -% -Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. - -- Dave Millman -% -"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though -ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak, -mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers, -thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has -moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust, -and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate -earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful -water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or -diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers -would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when -leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting -wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the -murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell -into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed -on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would -have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has -seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one -syllable is thine!" - -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick" -% -Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure -that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing, -all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third? -Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the -result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure -parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different -types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a -recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language -so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? -% -Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror: - - With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair - He throws the spinning disk drives in the air! - And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down - As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds! - Helpless users with projects due - Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too! - - Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla! - Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!" - -* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation -* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc. - -- Curtis Jackson -% -Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these -days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate -with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children -who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in -these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours -bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't -communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up! - -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" -% -Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's -on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites! -% -Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!! -Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited -young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate -students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions. -Faculty members especially welcome. -% -Speed is subsittute fo accurancy. -% -Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the -motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days, -when the driver will be permitted to make what he can. - -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907 -% -Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading: - The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the -number of times you have looked at it. -% -Spelling is a lossed art. -% -Spence's Admonition: - Never stow away on a kamikaze plane. -% -Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. -% -SPINSTER: - A bachelor's wife. -% -Spirtle, n.: - The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in - your eye. - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" -% -Spock: The odds of surviving another -attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain. -% -Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain. -% -Spouse, n.: - Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you - wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. -% -Spring is here, spring is here, -Life is skittles and life is beer. -% -Squatcho, n.: - The button at the top of a baseball cap. - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" -% -Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick. -% -St. Patrick was a gentleman -who through strategy and stealth -drove all the snakes from Ireland. -Here's a toasting to his health -- -but not too many toastings -lest you lose yourself and then -forget the good St. Patrick -and see all those snakes again. -% -Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion. -% -Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes. -% -Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last -words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are -now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice." - "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under -his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2. - "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't -open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well, -open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if -after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And -with a gasp Stalin breathed his last. - Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems -- -unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it -was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!" -So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin -for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system. - But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much -deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter. - All it said was: "Write two letters." -% -Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS. -% -Stamp out philately. -% -STANDARDS: - The principles we use to reject other people's code. -% -Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by -no means the only "certain" standard. If you mistake what is relative for -something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth. - -- Chuang Tzu -% -Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down. -% -Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men: -they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night. -% -Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; -Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest -science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all -on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up! - -- Harlan Ellison -% -Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. - -- W. C. Fields -% -Start the day with a smile. -After that you can be your nasty old self again. -% -State license plates we'd like to see: - - NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS - LVME 10DR OW-A CAH -LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE - - HAWAII WISCONSIN - L-O HA CHEDDAR -FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE -% -State license plates we'd like to see: - - ALABAMA ARIZONA - IC1 NOW 120 F -THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE - - CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI - 5:36 EXP 4I4S2PS -WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE - - TEXAS FLORIDA - 1-2-3 HIKE ZON KED -PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER -% -State license plates we'd like to see: - - MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA - 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X -EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE - - NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY - WL-GOLLY ARG GGH -HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE - - KANSAS WASHINGTON DC - TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC -THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810 - MOVIE STATE -% -STATISTICS: - A system for expressing your political - prejudices in convincing scientific guise. -% -Statistics are no substitute for judgment. - -- Henry Clay -% -Statistics means never having to say you're certain. -% -Stay away from flying saucers today. -% -Stay away from hurricanes for a while. -% -Stay the curse. -% -Stay together, drag each other down. -% -Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time, -There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying, -One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying, - -And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late, -Though we really did try to make it, -Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it... - -It used to be so easy living here with you, -You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do -Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool. - -There'll be good times again for me and you, -But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too? -But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you... - -But it's too late baby... -It's too late, now darling, it's too late... - -- Carol King, "Tapestry" -% -Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So -long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental -hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, -its rate is a matter of discretion. - -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber" -% -Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly. -% -Steckel's Rule to Success: - Good enough is never good enough. -% -Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: - Everybody should believe in something -- - I believe I'll have another drink. -% -Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming: - Never test for an error condition you don't know how to -handle. -% -Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays. -Embezzlement is another matter. -% -Stenderup's Law: - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up. -% -Step back, unbelievers! -Or the rain will never come. -Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum. -You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane, -But I swear to you, before this day is out, - you folks are gonna see some rain! -% -Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle -Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad -so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he -wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's -very little call for those up there. - -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone -% -Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth. -Say, do you have a map to the next joint? -% -Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise. - -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984 -% -Stock's Observation: - You no sooner get your head above water - but what someone pulls your flippers off. -% -Stone's Law: - One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?" -% -Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was. -And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes -in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and -Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The -way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage -on the credulity of human nature. -% -Stop me, before I kill again! -% -Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. -Now, if they'd only take a bath... -% -Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable. -% -Strange things are done to be number one -In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs, -IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box -Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons, -And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox -But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future -Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright, -By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold; - From Stonehenge site their bits and byte - Would ship for Celtic gold. -The movers came to crate the frame; -It weighed a million ton! -The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you -(the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages; -"They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship - spat, What's in your brochure's pages. -"Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells -"It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver; -"And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute - Because they couldn't deliver. - -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge" -% -STRATEGY: - A comprehensive plan of inaction. -% -Strategy: - A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime - after those creating it have left the organization. -% -Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts. -% -Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload -and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn -the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the -"Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and -implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax -and have a nice day. -% -Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all -real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an -understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors. - -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" -% -Stult's Report: - Our problems are mostly behind us. - What we have to do now is fight the solutions. -% -Stupid, n.: - Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. -% -Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out? -% -Stupidity is its own reward. -% -Sturgeon's Law: - 90% of everything is crud. -% -Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative. -% -Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re. -Se non e vero, e ben trovato. -% -Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your -editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. - -- Mark Twain -% -Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the -way before it is understood. -% -Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names -the streets after them. - -- Bill Vaughn -% -Success is a journey, not a destination. -% -Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get. -% -Success is in the minds of Fools. - -- William Wrenshaw, 1578 -% -Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have -made of things. - -- T. S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion" -% -Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until. -% -Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong. - -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf" -% -Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. -% -Such a fine first dream! -But they laughed at me; they said -I had made it up. -% -Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion, -when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace. -% -Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political, -petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality. - -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts -% -Such evil deeds could religion prompt. - -- Titus Lucretius Carus -% -Sudden Death Dating: - -Quote, female: - Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it, - at this point I'll take his first name, too. -% -Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar -without his duck ... -% -Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; -The deed there is, but no doer thereof; -Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; -The Path there is, but none who travel it. - -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values -% -Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier. -% -Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity. -% -Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism. - -- Donald Kaul -% -Sum quod eris. -% -Sun in the night, everyone is together, -Ascending into the heavens, life is forever. - -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night" -% -SUN Microsystems: - The Network IS the Load Average. -% -(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA) - - To code the impossible code, - To bring up a virgin machine, - To pop out of endless recursion, - To grok what appears on the screen, - - To right the unrightable bug, - To endlessly twiddle and thrash, - To mount the unmountable magtape, - To stop the unstoppable crash! -% -SUNSET: - Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths, - resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with - progressively reducing solar elevation. -% -Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy -have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging. - -- Martin Luther -% -Superstitions typically involve seeing order where in fact there is -none, and denial amounts to rejecting evidence of regularities, -sometimes even ones that are staring us in the face. - -- Murray Gell-Mann, "Quark and the Jaguar" -% -Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics? -Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of - Quantum Mechanics? -Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you? -Supervisee: Yes. - -- Overheard at a supervision -% -Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have! -% -Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets. -% -Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!! -% -Support the American Kidney Foundation. -Don't wear your motorcycle helmet. -% -Support the Girl Scouts! - (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!) -% -Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy. -% -Support your local church or synagogue. -Worship at Bank of America. -% -Support your local police force -- steal!! -% -Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost. -% -Support your right to arm bears!! -% -Support your right to bare arms! - -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association -% -Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same -rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more -efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the -analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a -Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and -it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you -were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on -a pinhead. - -- Christopher Evans -% -Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead! -% -Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. -But what if he forgets? -% -Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest -men in national government too. - -- Richard M. Nixon -% -Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average. -% -Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit! -Just type in your name and social security number. -Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law: - -Name # - - -% -Surprise due today. Also the rent. -% -Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. -% -Sushi, n.: - When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and - strapped on with electrical tape. -% -Sushido, n.: - The way of the tuna. -% -Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind. - -- William Shakespeare -% -Swahili, n.: - The language used by the National Enquirer to print their -retractions. - -- Johnny Hart -% -Swap read error. You lose your mind. -% -SWEATER: - A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly. -% -Sweater, n.: - A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. -% -Sweet April showers do spring May flowers. - -- Thomas Tusser -% -Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess, -And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes". -% -Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, -whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through -the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly -I rush! - -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick" -% -Swipple's Rule of Order: - He who shouts the loudest has the floor. -% -Symbolic representation of quantitative entities is doomed to its rightful -place of minor importance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound. - -- Albert Einstein -% -Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is - unusually pale and clear. -Problem: Glass empty. -Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer. - -Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, - and the front of your shirt is wet. -Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to - wrong part of face. -Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. - Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique. - - -- Bar Troubleshooting -% -Symptom: Everything has gone dark. -Fault: The Bar is closing. -Action Required: Panic. - -Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. - You cannot see the bathroom light. -Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter. -Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, - treat yourself to a lie-in. - - -- Bar Troubleshooting -% -Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty. -Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. -Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points - toward ceiling. - -Symptom: Feet warm and wet. -Fault: Improper bladder control. -Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain - to the owner about its lack of house training and - demand a beer as compensation. - - -- Bar Troubleshooting -% -Symptom: Floor blurred. -Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. -Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer. - -Symptom: Floor moving. -Fault: You are being carried out. -Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, - complain loudly that you are being kidnaped. - - -- Bar Troubleshooting -% -Symptom: Floor swaying. -Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey - game in progress. -Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. - -Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts - and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth. -Fault: You have fallen forward. -Action Required: See above. - -Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several - fluorescent light strips. -Fault: You have fallen over backward. -Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your - drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help - you get up, lash yourself to bar. - - -- Bar Troubleshooting -% -Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. - -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 -% -System checkpoint complete. -% -System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing. -% -System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug. -% -System going down in 5 minutes. -% -System restarting, wait... -% -System/3! System/3! -See how it runs! See how it runs! - Its monitor loses so totally! - It runs all its programs in RPG! - It's made by our favorite monopoly! -System/3! -% -SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT: - Works equally poorly on all systems. -% -Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad -infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over. - -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 -% -Systems programmer: - A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior - vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you - are to receive from your boss. -% -Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. - -- R. S. Barton -% -T: One big monster, he called TROLL. - He don't rock, and he don't roll; - Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. - He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. - -- The Roguelet's ABC -% -TACKY: - Serving grape Kool-Aid at religious functions. -% -Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far. - -- Jean Cocteau -% -Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far. - -- Jean Cocteau -% -Tact is the ability to tell a man he has -an open mind when he has a hole in his head. -% -Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy. -% -Tact, n.: - The unsaid part of what you're thinking. -% -Take a lesson from the whale; the only time -he gets speared is when he raises to spout. -% -Take an astronaut to launch. -% -Take care of the luxuries and the -necessities will take care of themselves. - -- L. Long -% -Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves. - -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service -% -Take everything in stride. -Trample anyone who gets in your way. -% -TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION: - Do something that should have been done a long time ago. -% -Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting -enough cheese. - -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" -% -Take it easy, we're in a hurry. -% -Take me drunk, -I'm home again! -% -Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, -but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. - -- Kipling -% -Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your -merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people -have given them to you. -% -Take what you can use and let the rest go by. - -- Ken Kesey -% -Take your dying with some seriousness, however. -Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood -by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy. - -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul" -% -Take your Senator to lunch this week. -% -Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not -take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously. - -- Booth Tarkington -% -Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever -got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club. - -- Rev. Jim -% -Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand. -% -Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. - -- Euripides -% -Talkers are no good doers. - -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" -% -Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. - -- Laurie Anderson -% -Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -Tallulah Bankhead barged down the -Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank. - -- John Mason Brown, drama critic -% -Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred, -Tan me hide when I'm dead. -So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde, -It's hanging there on the shed. - -All together now... - Tie me kangaroo down, sport, - Tie me kangaroo down. - Tie me kangaroo down, sport, - Tie me kangaroo down. -% -Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey -will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination - and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull - headed. You are a Communist. -% -TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20) - Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will - find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance - highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels. -% -TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20) - Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep, - because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will - decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday. -% -TAX OFFICE: - Den of inequity. -% -Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't -tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree." - -- Russell Long -% -Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself -out of the market. -% -Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. -% -Taxes, n.: - Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get - an extension. -% -TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1: - -Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what passed for them in that era. -Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think -of our community as the Galapagos of the English language. - -Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs. - -- Dave Mills -% -Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, -when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway. -% -Teachers have class. -% -TEAMWORK: - Having someone to blame. -% -Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. -% -Technicality, n.: - In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in - having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir - Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the - head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the - other side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was - acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges - holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not - affirm the death of the cook, that being only an inference. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -"Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow -is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see -before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw -this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole -being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to -work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes -itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I -slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the -difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program. -I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for -a moment and then log off." -% -Technological progress has merely provided us -with more efficient means for going backwards. - -- Aldous Huxley -% -Teeth for meat are in the mouth -- -Teeth for humans are in the soul. -A strong body defeats one, -A strong soul conquers many. - -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan -% -Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to. - -- Geoffrey Chaucer -% -Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before -you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew -but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't -already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death. - -- Erma Bombeck -% -Telephone, n.: - An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of - making a disagreeable person keep his distance. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Telepression, n.: - The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not - try hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead - put the burden on the directory assistant. - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" -% -Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done. - -- Ernie Kovacs -% -Television -- the longest amateur night in history. - -- Robert Carson -% -Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs. - -- Alfred Hitchcock -% -Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than -each other. - -- Ann Landers -% -Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. - -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs -% -Television is now so desperately hungry for material -that it is scraping the top of the barrel. - -- Gore Vidal -% -Television only proves that people will look at anything -- -rather than each other. -% -Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll -believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have -to touch to be sure. -% -Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, -Is those things arms, or is they legs? -I marvel at thee, Octopus; -If I were thou, I'd call me us. - -- Ogden Nash -% -Tell me what to think!!! -% -Tell me why the stars do shine, -Tell me why the ivy twines, -Tell me why the sky's so blue, -And I will tell you just why I love you. - - Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine, - Phototropism makes ivy twine, - Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue, - Sexual hormones are why I love you. -% -Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally -promoting a falsehood, isn't it? - -- A. Hope -% -Tempt me with a spoon! -% -Tempt not a desperate man. - -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet" -% -Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to -shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable. - When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his -entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a -seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out -of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a -word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket -and handed the others to Dutsky. - "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen." -% -Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent. - -- Napoleon I -% -Ten years of rejection slips is nature's -way of telling you to stop writing. - -- R. Geis -% -Terence, this is stupid stuff: -You eat your victuals fast enough; -There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, -To see the rate you drink your beer. -But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, -It gives a chap the belly-ache. -The cow, the old cow, she is dead; -It sleeps well the horned head: -We poor lads, 'tis our turn now -To hear such tunes as killed the cow. -Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme -Your friends to death before their time. -Moping, melancholy mad: -Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad. - -- A. E. Housman -% -Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave -school, and then work, work, work till we die. - -- C. S. Lewis -% -Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising -amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered -the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling -to risk offending God's grandmother. - -- Len Cool, "American Pie" -% -Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a -pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until -about his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is -ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe -because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical -fact, for he merely said: "And the Son of God died, which is immediately -credible because it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is -certain because it is impossible." Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, -he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and -contemptuously rejected it. - -- Carl G. Jung, "Psychological Types" - [Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic - Church. Ed.] -% -Test for paraquat: - Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's - of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves, - leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium - bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present, - the solution will turn blue-green. -% -Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra -% -Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. -% -TEUTONIC: - Not enough gin. -% -TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this -century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in -terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press. - -- Gordon Bell -% -Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean -of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities. -"My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the -unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter -the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he -told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach", -the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked. -"Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and -called you from here." -% -Texas is Hell on woman and horses. - -- Wayne Oakes -% -Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession. -% -Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even -one which cannot be justified on any other grounds. - -- J. Finnegan, USC -% -Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies. - -- Adolf Hitler -% -Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future. - -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly -% -Thank you for observing all safety precautions. -% -That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers. - -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde" -% -That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver. - -- Foghorn Leghorn -% -That does not compute. -% -...that FC loop thing sucks. -So I decided to stick to my good old philosophy: "if it has tits, -wheels or FC loops it will give you problem!" - -- storage engineer on the virtues of FC-AL -% -That feeling just came over me. - -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler" -% -That government is best which governs least. - -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience" -% -That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love, -that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love -in the same way as us. - -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -% -That money talks, -I'll not deny, -I heard it once, -It said "Good-bye. - -- Richard Armour -% -That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all. - -- Moliere -% -That secret you've been guarding, isn't. -% -That segment of the community with which one has the greatest -sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most -narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community. -% -That, that is, is. -That, that is not, is not. -That, that is, is not that, that is not. -That, that is not, is not that, that is. -% -...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by -the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on -hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS. -A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the -liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the -REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ... - -- Linden and Wihelminalaan -% -That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee. -% -That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is -remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not -write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book. - -- Heine -% -That's always the way when you discover -something new; everyone thinks you're crazy. - -- Evelyn E. Smith -% -That's life. - What's life? -A magazine. - How much does it cost? -Two-fifty. - I only have a dollar. -That's life. -% -That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone -who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that -thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that -thing is, so it can't hurt you no more. - -- Ray Bradbury, "The Fog Horn" -% -"That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be -omnipotent, let me tell you `tabernacle' has only one l." - -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" -% -That's no moon... - -- Obi-wan Kenobi -% -That's odd. That's very odd. -Wouldn't you say that's very odd? -% -That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind. - -- Neil Armstrong -% -That's the most fun I've had without laughing. - -- Woody Allen, on sex -% -That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they -really hate is lousy programmers. - -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty" -% -That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows -returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball. - -- Bill Veeck -% -That's what she said. -% -That's where the money was. - -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank - -It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night. - -- Willie Sutton -% -The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8. - -- R. B. Greenberg -% -The 357.73 Theory -- - Auditors always reject expense accounts - with a bottom line divisible by 5. -% -The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy. -% -The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. -Don't ever do this to my eyes again. - -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College -% -The Abrams' Principle: - The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. -% -The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing. - -- T. Cheatham -% -The absent ones are always at fault. -% -The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth. - -- A. Camus -% -The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power. - -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" -% -The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech. - -- Clifton Fadiman -% -The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither -hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that -makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain -undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely -anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal. - -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930 -% -The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one -does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home. - -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour" -% -The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper - -- Thomas Jefferson -% -The Advertising Agency Song: - - When your client's hopping mad, - Put his picture in the ad. - If he still should prove refractory, - Add a picture of his factory. -% -The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that -he is already degraded. - -- George Orwell -% -The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex -facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it. - -- Whitehead -% -The alarm clock that is louder than God's own -belongs to the roommate with the earliest class. -% -The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete. -For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*. - -- Bart Miller -% -The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug -someone with it. - -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340 -% -The all-softening overpowering knell, -The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell. - -- Lord Byron -% -The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see -fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen. - -- Winston Churchill, 1942 -% -The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends -to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon. - -Film at 11:00. -% -The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the -eagle -- on the back of a dollar. - -- Finley Peter Dunne -% -The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism, -call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great -opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it. - -- Al Capone -% -The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the -pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond. -% -The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured -in billigrahams. -% -The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns -just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves. - -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer -% -The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists -of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown -Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, -even better, nobody has to play it. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter: - I don't mind... and you don't matter. - - -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana -% -The Angels want to wear my red shoes. - -- E. Costello -% -The anger of a woman is the greatest evil -with which you can threaten your enemies. - -- Bonnard -% -The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from -sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin. - -- Salvador De Madariaga -% -The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can. - -- Albertano of Brescia -% -The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither -doctors nor lawyers. - -- L. Docquier -% -The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in -session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing, -advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of -publishing our award goes to editor, R. L. K., [...] for his unrivaled alle- -giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it, -we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of -book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the -field of advertising goes to media executive, E. L. M., [...] for the continu- -ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be -very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out- -lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for -courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R. S., -[...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been -arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right -time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially -for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as -then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts -- - Treat freshness as a youthful quirk, - And dare not stray to ideas new, - For if t'were tried they might e'en work - And for a living what woulds't we do? -% -The answer is that libdialog, the library on which sysinstall depends -for these menus, is genuinely evil. It is the unloved, satanic -bastard child of multiple parents and torturing users like yourself -constitutes the only joy in life it has left. Its source files are -all chmod'd 0666 and dire README files warn against trespass by -neophyte programmers. It is the 7th gate of Hell. It makes the baby -Jesus cry. Were libdialog given anthropomorphic representation, it -would be promptly burnt at the stake and its ashes scattered in the -desert, to be then doused with holy water from altitude by -fire-fighting aircraft. - - -- Jordan K. Hubbard on the evils of libdialog -% -The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is... - - Four day work week, - Two ply toilet paper! -% -The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was -released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers, -Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons. -% -The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go -and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals. -All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. -"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows -their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. -Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how -the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need -logs to multiply." -% -The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will -never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive -and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read -through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle. - -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer -% -The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. -Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed -and color, but also on ability. - -- T. Lehrer -% -The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. - -- Bill Murray -% -The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use -in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the -Declaration not for that, but for future use. - -- Abraham Lincoln -% -The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that -Jupiter can have no satellites: - - There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two -eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two -unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent. -From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven -metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number -of planets is necessarily seven. [...] - Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and -therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless -and therefore do not exist. -% -The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive. -% -The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she -knows that the average man can see much better than he can think. - -- Ladies' Home Journal -% -The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in -the morning feeling just terrible. - -- Jean Kerr -% -The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM. -% -The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling -a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog. -% -The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero. -% -The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from -one graveyard to another. - -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England" -% -The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain -disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help -feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is -their father. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the -average man can see better than he can think. -% -The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned -into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D. - -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work" -% -The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that -carries any reward. - -- John Maynard Keynes -% -The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by -people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried -anything. - -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore -% -The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn, -Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn, -And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone, - It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS! - -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days" -% -The bank sent our statement this morning, -The red ink was a sight of great awe! -Their figures and mine might have balanced, -But my wife was too quick on the draw. -% -The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than -cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and -difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, -which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- -here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO -RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you -want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking -lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a -squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out -and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, -his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was -neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking -lots. - -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" -% -The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit -called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in -writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would -be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices -immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a -bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special -Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of -paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty -would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning. -The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to -emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood -Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets." - -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" -% -The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd -And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven; -The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth -And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change. -These signs forerun the death or fall of kings. - -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" -% -THE BEATLES: - Paul McCartney's old back-up band. -% -The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer. - -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike - - [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I - believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only - Memory". Ed.] -% -The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk. - -- Maurice Baring -% -The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; -but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. -% -The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England, - live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food. -Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, - live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food. -The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan, - live with a British wife, and eat American food. - -- Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine -% -The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. - -- W. C. Fields -% -The best defense against logic is ignorance. -% -The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion -- -but doesn't. - -- Tom Crichton -% -The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank. - -- Scotty -% -The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive. -However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours -by judging things by their price. -% -The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do -what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with -them while they do it. - -- Theodore Roosevelt -% -The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department. -% -The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal. - -- Blair -% -The best man for the job is often a woman. -% -The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good -head waiter. - -- Nubar Gulbenkian -% -The best portion of a good man's life, his little, -nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love. - -- Wordsworth -% -The best prophet of the future is the past. -% -The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the -redoubtable John W. Campbell: - - The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the - people who were ever born in the history of the world are now - dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is - being read by a corpse. -% -The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and -fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are -drifting side by side to our common doom. - -- Clarence Darrow -% -The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected -company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie. -% -The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. -% -The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80. -% -The best things in life are for a fee. -% -The best things in life go on sale sooner or later. -% -The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared. -% -The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities." -% -The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect. -% -The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. -% -The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them -is a match. - -- Will Rogers -% -The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to -smoke is a right worth dying for. -% -The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around -scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but -when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward -way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention. -Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't -work either.... They tried it during Prohibition. - -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler -% -The best you get is an even break. - -- Franklin Adams -% -The better part of valor is discretion. - -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" -% -The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity. -To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments -to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. -It's just that they need more supervision. -% -The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could -never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma. - -- Abraham Lincoln -% -The Bible on letters of reference: - - Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do -we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you? -No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any -man can see it for what it is and read it for himself. - -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation -% -The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries. - -- Nora Ephron -% -The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted -themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate -this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are -hungry all the time? -% -The bigger the theory the better. -% -The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time. - -- Merrick Furst -% -The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are -working for someone else. -% -The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has -occurred. -% -The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ... -and the bird is on the wing. - -- Omar Khayyam -% -The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals -because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage -and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in -Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens -of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage -containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist -put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels -of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists." -% -The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch. -% -The bogosity meter just pegged. -% -The bold youth of today is very lonely. - -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) -% -The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives. - -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project -% -The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first -half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and -pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who -hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice -for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time -during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it -but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know. - -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest -% -The boy stood on the burning deck, -Eating peanuts by the peck. -His father called him, but he could not go, -For he loved those peanuts so. -% -The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment -you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work. -% -The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development: - To determine how long it will take to write and debug a - program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add - one, and convert to the next higher units. -% -The British are coming! The British are coming! -% -The broad mass of a nation... will more easily -fall victim to a big lie than to a small one. - -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf" -% -The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing -and humiliating reality. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a -digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top -of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean -the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself. - -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" -% -The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. -Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in -automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo. - -- Art Buchwald -% -The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only -the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time. - -- Kay Bostic -% -The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State -Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George -Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his -time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last -Days of Pompeii." - -Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse, -beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord -Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford," -written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad: - - It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except - at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of - wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene - lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty - flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. -% -The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding -bureaucracy. -% -The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the -flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language. -% -The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better -people, and don't come in clearly enough. - -- Bill Maher -% -The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted -sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first -time since the journey began -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve -into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent -with Basil. - -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest -% -The camel has a single hump; -The dromedary two; -Or else the other way around. -I'm never sure. Are you? - -- Ogden Nash -% -The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly -greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed -inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner -party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -The carbonyl is polarized, -The delta end is plus. -The nucleophile will thus attack, -The carbon nucleus. -Addition makes an alcohol, -Of types there are but three. -It makes a bond, to correspond, -From C to shining C. - -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful" -% -The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used. - -- Herbert von Fritzlar -% -The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction. -% -The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain. - -- G. Fitch -% -The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and -sometimes three. - -- Alexandre Dumas -% -The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up -at the steam fitters' picnic. -% -The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions. - -- Alfred Adler -% -The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense. - -- Picasso -% -The church is near but the road is icy, -the bar is far away but I will walk carefully. - -- Russian Proverb -% -The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture. - -- Elbert Hubbard -% -The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards, -specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of -rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine... -% -The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom. -% -The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness. - -- John Muir -% -The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity; -the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a -military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and -private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion; -and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes -who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity. - -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire" -% -The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere. -% -The closest to perfection a person ever comes -is when he fills out a job application form. - -- Stanley J. Randall -% -The clothes have no emperor. - -- C. A. R. Hoare, commenting on ADA -% -The coast was clear. - -- Lope de Vega -% -The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his -intellectual nakedness. - -- Robert M. Hutchins -% -The Commandments of the EE: - -1: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser - lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most - embarrassing manner. -2: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to - be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this - earthly vale of tears. -3: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon - which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift - thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like - a radiator too. -4: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional - shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely - unbelievers. -% -The Commandments of the EE: - -5: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the - measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate - both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company - property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has - one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent. -6: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices, - for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring - the fury of the engineers on his head. -7: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy - friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling - her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee. -8: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone, - for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in - thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker - sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold. -% -The Commandments of the EE: - -9: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou - commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be - frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages. -10: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are - written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code, - and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when - thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician. -11: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or - unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better - that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than - experimentally determine the electrical potential of an - innocent-seeming device. -% -The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag. -% -The computer gets faster! --Moore-- -% -The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of -entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and -50's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into -the 80's. - -- Marty Winston -% -The computer is to the information industry roughly what the -central power station is to the electrical industry. - -- Peter Drucker -% -The Computer made me do it. -% -The computing field is always in need of new cliches. - -- Alan J. Perlis -% -The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been -defined several times by examples of what it is not. -% -The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his -memos. - -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 -% -The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems -and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting -language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best -dangerous. - -- Bjarne Stroustrup -% -The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other -subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up -every bird watcher in the country. - -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972 -% -The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better -than what we've got! -% -The Consultant's Curse: - When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him -what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong -medicine, and is normally only required once. -% -The control of the production of wealth -is the control of human life itself. - -- Hilaire Belloc -% -The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is -none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." -Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. -Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you -talked about. - -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" -% -The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up! -% -The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart. - -- W. C. Fields -% -The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. -% -The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. -% -The countdown had stalled at "T" minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first -female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, -rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what -would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my -career. - -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest -% -The course of true anything never does run smooth. - -- Samuel Butler -% -The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the -judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him. -Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and -ceremoniously handed it to the defendant. - "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a -father!" -% -The covers of this book are too far apart. - -- Ambrose Bierce, reviewing a book -% -The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat. - -- John McNulty -% -The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas -Instruments. - -- Credits from the PBS program "The Creation of the Universe" -% -The Crown is full of it! - -- Nate Harris, 1775 -% -The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore -be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be -propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war -and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ... In war, then, as in peace, -assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark -of all our rights and privileges. - -- William Ellery Channing -% -The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the -words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*. - -- Susan Dooley -% -The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull. - -- Andy Purshottam -% -The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch -a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth! -% -The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. -Every class is unfit to govern. - -- Lord Acton -% -The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of -plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely.... -Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not -be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides -agree to ban the popular but dangerous "Simon Says" training drill at -nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal -that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine -years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem. - -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks -% -The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, -and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished. - -- Henry David Thoreau -% -The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. -% -The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being -as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of -the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the -dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with -this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine -doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors. - -- Thomas Jefferson -% -The days are all empty and the nights are unreal. -% -The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction -to a tedious book. -% -The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us -who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie -Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. -% -The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? -% -The deceased was killed by 1207.3557298 Volts AC RMS applied by -accident when he brushed against the output terminal of a John B. -Fluke Company High Voltage Calibrator. - -- fictitious coroner's report by Mike Andrews -% -The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous. -% -The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the -Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing". -% -The degree of civilization in a society -can be judged by entering its prisons. - -- F. Dostoyevski -% -The degree of technical confidence is inversely -proportional to the level of management. -% -The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older -people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood. - -- Logan Pearsall Smith -% -The departing division general manager met a last time with his young -successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me, -and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign -of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the -second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope. -Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes -into a drawer. - Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the -young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me." - The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The -crisis passed. - Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleaguered -manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize." - He held another press conference, announcing that the division -would be restructured. The crisis passed. - A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was -blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank -into his chair, and opened the third envelope. - "Prepare three envelopes..." it said. -% -The descent to Hades is the same from every place. - -- Anaxagoras -% -The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. - -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" -% -The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. -% -The devil finds work for idle glands. -% -The die is cast. - -- Gaius Julius Caesar -% -The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week. -% -The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days. -% -The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is -exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal. - -- Mark Twain -% -The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into -the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, -it would be a calamity. - -- Benjamin Disraeli -% -The difference between America and England is, the English think 100 -miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time. -% -The difference between art and science is that science is what we -understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else. - -- Donald E. Knuth, "Discover" -% -The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is -thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia -is thinking that they're conspiring. - -- J. Kegler -% -The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're -called. Cats take a message and get back to you. -% -The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. -% -The difference between legal separation and divorce is -that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money. -% -The difference between reality and unreality -is that reality has so little to recommend it. - -- Allan Sherman -% -The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science -requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. - -- Robert A. Heinlein -% -The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following: -Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a -rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when -swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian. - -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague" -% -The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When -you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you -swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is -sentimentality. - -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune" -% -The difference between the right word and the almost right word -is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug. - -- Mark Twain -% -The difference between this place and yogurt -is that yogurt has a live culture. -% -The difference between us is not very far, -cruising for burgers in daddy's new car. -% -The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume. - -- T. K. -% -The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer. -% -The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in -the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians -work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb. - -- Russell Baker -% -The discerning person is always at a disadvantage. -% -The disks are getting full; purge a file today. -% -The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known; -naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the -following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates: - - "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. -Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is -Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. - "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish. -Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. -Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. -Macaroons are _v_e_r_y Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is -goyish. Lime soda is _v_e_r_y goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that -Jews won't go near them." - -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" -% -The distinction between true and false appears to become -increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language. - -- Arne Tiselius -% -The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on -a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets. -% -The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in -the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines, -and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity. - -- John Adams -% -The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man -really clever who has not found that he is stupid. - -- Gilbert K. Chesterson -% -The door is the key. -% -The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off -this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next -hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell, -the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned -it to his master. - "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. - "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim." -% -The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance -of the woman. - -- Honore de Balzac -% -The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine. -% -The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before. -% -The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late -and owns the worm farm. - -- Travis McGee -% -The early worm gets the late bird. -% -The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. -% -The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and -add ten percent. -% -The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly -teaches me to suspect that my own is also. - -I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it -or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his -hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be. -But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a -valuable possession to him. - -I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good -end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order -to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall -have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection might be reasonable -enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him -roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews -would tire of the spectacle eventually. - -- Mark Twain -% -The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on -weather forecasters. - -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann -% -The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it -*pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness. - -- Mel Brooks -% -The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune. -% -"The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not -Compute' -- I forget which." - -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 -% -The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed -to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics -Corporation defines a robot as "Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With". -The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the -Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the -first against the wall when the revolution comes", with a footnote to effect -that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking -over the post of robotics correspondent. - Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that -had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in -the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics -Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the -wall when the revolution came". -% -The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. - -- Buckminster Fuller -% -The end of labor is to gain leisure. -% -The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of -civilization. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with -symposium to follow. -% -The ends justify the means. - -- after Matthew Prior -% -The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind -of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation -of these atoms is talking moonshine. - -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for - the first time -% -The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable -in full pursuit of the uneatable. - -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance" -% -The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach -their children to speak it. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -The English instinctively admire any man -who has no talent and is modest about it. - -- James Agate, British film and drama critic -% -The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic -purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took -place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year -before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from -all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often -result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background, -relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a -Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others. - - A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee." - "What kind of family do you come from?" - "A rich, Jewish family." - "And your wife?" - "A German aristocrat." - "Have you ever been to the West?" - "I spent most of my life in England." - "How did you make a living there?" - "A friend supported me." - "Where did you get the money from?" - "He owned a textile factory." - "Who was Lenin?" - "Never heard of him." - "What is your name?" - "Karl Marx." -% -The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute -for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is -a substitute for intelligence. - -- Lyman Bryson -% -The eternal feminine draws us upward. - -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -% -The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender. - -- Anne Boleyn -% -The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions -is the most likely to be correct. - -- William of Occam -% -The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, -the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its -own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god -of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god -of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together -what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas -everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and -so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes -in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died. - -- Chuang Tzu -% -The eyes of taxes are upon you. -% -The eyes of Texas are upon you, -All the livelong day; -The eyes of Texas are upon you, -You cannot get away; -Do not think you can escape them -From night 'til early in the morn; -The eyes of Texas are upon you -'Til Gabriel blows his horn. - -- University of Texas' school song -% -The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not -utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, -a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible. - -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929 -% -The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a -remarkable Christian forbearance among men. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics -in general as no other can. - -- Wilhelm Reich -% -The fact that it works is immaterial. - -- L. Ogborn -% -The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily -endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or -compassion. - -- Saul Alinsky -% -The fall of the USSR proves you wrong. - -- Aryeh M. Friedman -% -The famous politician was trying to save both his faces. -% -The farther you go, the less you know. - -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching" -% -The fashion wears out more apparel than the man. - -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing" -% -The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept -outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to -say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth, -so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists -so long as they are Tories. - -- Christopher Booker -% -The faster I go, the behinder I get. - -- Lewis Carroll, - "Through the Looking-Glass, - and What Alice Found There" (1871) -% -The faster we go, the rounder we get. - -- The Grateful Dead -% -The Fastest Defeat In Chess - The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess -master. - In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a -Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so -chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort -of their own homes. - Lazard was black and Gibaud white: - 1: P-Q4, Kt-KB3 - 2: Kt-Q2, P-K4 - 3: PxP, Kt-Kt5 - 4: P-KR3, Kt-K6/ - White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve -either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a -business trip, thought he would pay his boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the -lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes -of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window, - "Whaddaya want?" - "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father. - "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch." -% -The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer -and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown -suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged, -I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not -dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the -quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors, -and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural -for them to despise science fiction. - -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Science Fiction" -% -The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he -wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke. - "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to -you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made -the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play -center at Notre Dame." - "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five -times." -% -"The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his -supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, -anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their -husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism -and become lesbians." -% -The Feynman Problem-Solving Algorithm: - (1) write down the problem. - (2) think very hard. - (3) write down the answer. - -- Murray Gell-Mann -% -The Fifth Rule: - You have taken yourself too seriously. -% -The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions. - -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante" -% -The final screw holding up a rackmount server is always possessed by demons. -% -The finest eloquence is that which gets things done. -% -The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, -the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time. -% -The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is -the Bible. - -- John Quincy Adams - -All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book; -but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable -to man are contained in it. - -- Abraham Lincoln - -... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of -life, the nature of God and spiritual nature and need of men. It is the only -guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation. - -- Woodrow Wilson -% -The First Commandment for Technicians: - Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged -capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most -untechnician-like manner. -% -The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. - -- Abbie Hoffman -% -The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King -Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a -tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad -forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously -fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of -threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked -suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of -foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead -one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with -dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found -drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown -and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have -thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture -of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left -in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed -crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave -Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when -a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful -throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system. - -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" -% -The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand? - -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist -% -The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, -and the second half by our children. - -- Clarence Darrow -% -The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence, -and the second the triumph of hope over experience. -% -The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of -management is that success equals skill. - -- Robert Heller -% -The first requisite for immortality is death. - -- Stanislaw Lem -% -The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish -child, was propounded to me by my father: - "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and -whistles?" - I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity -gave up. - "A herring," said my father. - "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" - "So hang it there." - "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. - "Paint it." - "But a herring isn't wet." - "If it's just painted it's still wet." - "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring -doesn't whistle!!" - "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it -hard." - -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish" -% -The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack." - -- H. L. Mencken -% -The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. - -- Paul Erlich -% -The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your -hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do. - -- McCloctnik the Lucid -% -The First Rule of Program Optimization: - Don't do it. - -The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): - Don't do it yet. - -- Michael Jackson -% -The first thing I do in the morning -is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. - -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV -% -The first time, it's a KLUDGE! -The second, a trick. -Later, it's a well-established technique! - -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics -% -The first version always gets thrown away. -% -The five rules of Socialism: - - 1. Don't think. - 2. If you do think, don't speak. - 3. If you think and speak, don't write. - 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign. - 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised. - - -- being told in Poland, 1987 -% -...the flaw that makes perfection perfect. -% -The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation. - -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" -% -The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. - -- Alan Coult -% -The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions -Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals: - -As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of -logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more -appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the -four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector. - . . . -Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible -blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves -parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge -of the hyper-cube. -% -The following statement is not true. -The previous statement is true. -% -The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws: - - 1. You can't push on a string. - 2. Ain't no free lunches. - 3. Them as has, gets. - 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all. -% -The Force is what holds everything together. -It has its dark side, and it has its light side. -It's sort of like cosmic duct tape. -% -The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money -completely surrounded by people who want some. - -- Dwight MacDonald -% -The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe -because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons -rests on mutual help. - -- Laukikanyay -% -The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions -and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. -% -The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused -received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities. -% -The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip -objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air -due to levitation. - Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur -if the character does not have fire resistance. - -- README file from the NetHack game -% -The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and -vinyl. - -- Dave Barry -% -[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people. - -- W. Somerset Maugham -% -The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the -number of your kids by thirty-two teeth. -% -The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend -of both parties tactfully interferes. - -- G. K. Chesterton -% -The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people, -but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons. - -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist -% -The future is a myth created by insurance -salesmen and high school counselors. -% -The future is a race between education and catastrophe. - -- H. G. Wells -% -The future is going to be boring. - -- J. G. Ballard -% -The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.) -% -The future lies ahead. -% -The future not being born, my friend, -we will abstain from baptizing it. - -- George Meredith -% -The garden is in mourning; -The rain falls cool among the flowers. -Summer shivers quietly -On its way towards its end. - -Golden leaf after leaf -Falls from the tall acacia. -Summer smiles, astonished, feeble, -In this dying dream of a garden. - -For a long while, yet, in the roses, -She will linger on, yearning for peace, -And slowly -Close her weary eyes. - -- Hermann Hesse, "September" -% -The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. -% -The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the -people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people -drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return. - -- Gore Vidal -% -The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep. -% -The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. -% -The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled -today. -% -The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even -remember her first husband. -% -The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress. -% -The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear. - -- Sophia Loren -% -The glances over cocktails -That seemed to be so sweet -Don't seem quite so amorous -Over Shredded Wheat -% -The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at -least until we've finished building it. -% -The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. -The goal of nature is to build better mice. -% -The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. -They gave him love and he invented marriage. -% -The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it -is your move. - -- Frank Crane -% -The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences: - He who has the gold makes the rules. -% -The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who -make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians -have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine -man in the bonds of Hell. - -- St. Augustine -% -The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got -to be good. - -- John Barrymore -% -The good (I am convinced, for one) -Is but the bad one leaves undone. -Once your reputation's done -You can live a life of fun. - -- Wilhelm Busch -% -The good life was so elusive -It really got me down -I had to regain some confidence -So I got into camouflage -% -The good time is approaching, -The season is at hand. -When the merry click of the two-base lick -Will be heard throughout the land. -The frost still lingers on the earth, and -Budless are the trees. -But the merry ring of the voice of spring -Is borne upon the breeze. - -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886 -% -The Gordian Maxim: -If a string has one end, it has another. -% -The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out -to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work -and they can't fire it. -% -The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of -statistics. These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are -extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive -displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every -case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts -down anything he damn well pleases. - -- Sir Josiah Stamp -% -The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II. -Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people -and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping. -% -The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the -Christian Religion - -- George Washington -% -The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma, -with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the -fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent -for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied, -"Send Lord Combermere." - "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord -Combermere a fool." - "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon." - -- G. W. E. Russell -% -The goys have proven the following theorem... - -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom - lecture. -% -The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all -who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses. -% -The grave's a fine and private place, -but none, I think, do there embrace. - -- Andrew Marvell -% -The graveyards are full of indispensable men. - -- Charles de Gaulle -% -The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: - The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in -courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk -clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods -of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp -Hedgehog Eater. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude. - -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life" -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -*A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee* -With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story. - -- Tea with a Kick (1924) - -Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks! -GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE! - -- The Wild Party (1929) - -YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE! -DIX -- the dashing soldier! - DIX -- the bold adventurer! - DIX -- the throbbing lover! - -- The Wheel of Life (1929) - -SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE -SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"! - -- The Night is Young (1934) -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an -unimaginable hell. - -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967) - -NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL! - -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968) - -LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENSUOUS ORGY OF -SLAUGHTER! - -- Five Bloody Graves (1969) - -The family that slays together stays together. - -- Bloody Mama (1970) -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS! - -- Squirm (1976) - -Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours. -This Is One of Everlasting Torment! - -- The New House on the Left (1977) - -WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU! - -- Zombie (1980) - -It's not human and it's got an axe. - -- The Prey (1981) -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding! -SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM! -... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV! - -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972) - -An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality! - -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973) - -WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY... -RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! -Alone, only a harmless pet... - One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine! - -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972) - -They're Over-Exposed -But Not Under-Developed! - -- Cover Girl Models (1976) -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE! - -- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959) - -Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST? -Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep. - -- Untamed Mistress (1960) - -NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE -FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI! - -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963) -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS! - -- The Cycle Savages (1969) - -The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It! - -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971) - -TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS! - -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill) - -They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger! - -- The Corpse Grinders (1971) -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl -of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear -you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady! - -- Spitfire (1934) - -Do Native Women Live With Apes? - -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937) - -JUNGLE KISS!! - When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she -was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes -- -she was no longer the frozen-hearted high priestess under whose hypnotic -spell the worshipers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she -was a girl in love! - SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES! - -- Her Jungle Love (1938) - -LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE! - -- Intermezzo (1939) -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED! - -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963) - -She Sins in Mobile -- -Marries in Houston -- -Loses Her Baby in Dallas -- -Leaves Her Husband in Tucson -- -MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!... -FIRST -- HARLOW! -THEN -- MONROE! -NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!! - -- The Rotten Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan - -*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN! -A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters... -1001 WEIRDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY! - -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title: - The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and - Became Mixed Up Zombies) -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT! --- DANCING CALLED GO-GO --- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU --- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI! --- FIRES OF PUBERTY! - SEE the burning of a virgin! - SEE power of witch doctor over women! - SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!! - -- Kwaheri (1965) - -The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex! - -- Boeing-Boeing (1965) - -AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP- -A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN! - The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to -give you the wim-wams! - -- Monster a Go-Go (1965) -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks! -SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures! -SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner! - -- Sweet and Savage (1983) - -What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair! - -- Stroker Ace (1983) - -It's always better when you come again! - -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983) - -You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre! - -- Pieces (1983) -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog -on a roaring rampage of revenge! - -- Bury Me an Angel (1972) - -WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB -SAUSAGES? - -- Meat is Meat (1972) - -TODAY the Pond! -TOMORROW the World! - -- Frogs (1972) -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West! - -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949) - -CAST OF 3,000! -4 WRITERS, -2 DIRECTORS, -3 CAMERAMEN, -3 PRODUCERS! -1 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM -- -24 YEARS TO REHEARSE -- -20 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE! - BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS! - AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL! -THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM! -Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to: - HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE! - -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the - Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus. -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms! - -- Bwana Devil (1952) - -OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING! -Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of -the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the -Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World! - SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!! - -- Robot Monster (1953) - -1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes, -802 scared bulls! - -- The Egyptian (1954) -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing -horror on a screaming world! - -- The Crawling Eye (1958) - -SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs, -giant desires! - -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958) - -Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex. -What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich? -Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does... - -- The Desperate Women (1958) -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure! -SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer! - -- The Golden Mistress (1954) - -See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out! - -- The French Line (1954) - -See Jane Russell Shake Her Tambourines... and Drive Cornel WILDE! - -- Hot Blood (1956) -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make -Friends... - -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966) - -Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels! - -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966) - -A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS -OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST. - -- A Taste of Blood (1967) -% -The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations -like prostitutes. - -- Stanley Kubrick -% -The great question that has never been answered and which I have not -yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the -feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT? - -- Sigmund Freud -% -The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight. -At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have -answered themselves. - -- Arthur Binstead -% -The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men -of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. - -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis -% -The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers -is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood. -% -The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves. - -- Sophocles -% -The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them -before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see -the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp -their wives and daughters to his arms. - -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan -% -The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's. - -- Polish proverb -% -The Greatest Mathematical Error - The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28 -July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would -give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells -would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course -corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet, -scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed. - However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I -plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff. - Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from -the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch -spokesman said. - This minus sign cost L4,280,000. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none. -% -The greatest productive force is human selfishness. - -- Robert A. Heinlein -% -The greatest remedy for anger is delay. -% -The groundhog is like most other prophets; -it delivers its message and then disappears. -% -The hand that feeds the chicken every day finally wrings its neck instead, -thus proving that more sophisticated views about the uniformity of nature -would have been useful to the chicken. - - -- Bertrand Russell, "On Induction" -% -The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce. - -- J. K. Galbraith -% -The hardest part of climbing the ladder of -success is getting through the crowd at the bottom. -% -The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. - -- Albert Einstein -% -The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when -you put a lot of relatives on the train for home. -% -The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty -deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the -author's name on the title page. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Journals" (1831) -% -The hatred of relatives is the most violent. - -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117) -% -The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality -of functions performed by private citizens. - -- Alexis de Tocqueville -% -The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom -whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. -% -The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of. - -- Blaise Pascal -% -The heart is wiser than the intellect. -% -...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day. -% -The heaviest object in the world is the -body of the woman you have ceased to love. - -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues -% -The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: - You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. -% -The help people need most urgently is -help in admitting that they need help. -% -The herd instinct among economists -makes sheep look like independent thinkers. -% -The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet, -challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that -keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents -itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb -of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems, -is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of -adventurous youth. - -- Benjamin Cardozo -% -The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back, -which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at -least 5000 years old." -% -The higher you climb, the more you show your ass. - -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad" -% -The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through -three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and -Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For -instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we -eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we -have lunch?". - -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" -% -The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases -are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus: - -Retribution: - I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother. -Anticipation: - I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother. -Diplomacy: - I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the - pretext that your brother did it. -% -The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars." - -- Johnny Carson -% -The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease -to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns. - -- Helen Rowland -% -The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and -she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator. - -- Bill Lawrence -% -The horror... the horror! -% -The human animal differs from the lesser -primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best". - -- H. Allen Smith -% -The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment -you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. - -- Sir George Jessel -% -The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and -has gills through which it can see. - -- Monty Python -% -The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of -its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system. -% -The human mind treats a new idea the way the -body treats a strange protein: it rejects it. - -- P. Medawar -% -The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember. -Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave -its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to -us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the -facet that it can bite your head off. This causes us humans to feel a -certain degree of awe. - -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" -% -The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. - -- Mark Twain -% -The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that -procession but carrying a banner. - -- Mark Twain -% -The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them. - -- David Gerrold -% -The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons -that what she doesn't know won't hurt him. - -- Leo J. Burke -% -The IBM 2250 is impressive ... -if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price. - -- D. Cohen -% -The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair". - -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group" -% -The idea is to die young as late as possible. - -- Ashley Montague -% -The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given -tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than -it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws). - -- Doug Gwyn -% -The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic -devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, -where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with -sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed, -consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than -have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones -repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist -of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic -devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!" - -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" -% -The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, -no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife. - -- Harry V. Wade -% -The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they -are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally -understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else. - -- John Maynard Keynes -% -The identical is equal to itself, since it is different. - -- Franco Spisani -% -The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest. -% -The idle mind knows not what it is it wants. - -- Quintus Ennius -% -The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit -longer. - -- Henry Kissinger -% -The Illiterati Programus Canto 1: - A program is a lot like a nose: - Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows. -% -The important thing is not to stop questioning. -% -The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop. -% -The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf -has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know -when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr. - -- Will Rogers -% -The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important -point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly -important thing to people. - -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King -% -The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is -a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell. - -- Bertrand Russell -% -The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; -the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. - -- Winston Churchill -% -The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And -there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a -pointer and a mark. - -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars" -% -The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the -number of participants. - -- Adam Walinsky -% -The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling -the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without -affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new -style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quietly insinuates itself into -manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and -constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by -overturning everything. - -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C. -% -The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of -the group divided by the number of people in the group. -% -The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free -information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a -dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a -real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. - -So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never -pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big -consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes... - -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" -% -The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They -treat the Arabs like postmen. - -- Franklyn Ajaye -% -The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain, -knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the -Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight. - "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The -good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's -still in." -% -The Junior God now heads the roll -In the list of heaven's peers; -He sits in the House of High Control, -And he regulates the spheres. -Yet does he wonder, do you suppose, -If, even in gods divine, -The best and wisest may not be those -Who have wallowed awhile with the swine? - -- R. W. Service -% -The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable -debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been -revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor -quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the -resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the -workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity? -Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but -to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not -hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the -nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate -goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the -drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization. - -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The - Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace," - Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol. - 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768. -% -The Ken Thompson school of thought on expert systems: -there's table lookup, fraud, and grand fraud. - -- Andrew Hume -% -The Kennedy Constant: - Don't get mad -- get even. -% -The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets. - -- L. Zadeh -% -The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal -an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's -advantage to see the truth. - -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer -% -The Killer Ducks are coming!!! -% -The kind of danger people most enjoy is -the kind they can watch from a safe place. -% -The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field: - -King: "How goes the battle plan?" -Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?" -K: "Yes." -A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running - to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till - the dust clears." -K: "And?" -A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win." -K: "But what about the ^#!!$% battle plan?" -A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks." -% -The knowledge that makes us cherish -innocence makes innocence unattainable. - -- Irving Howe -% -The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is -the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free -world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher -dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person -per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill -really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and -drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle. -I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined. -And now, just look at me." -% -The ladies men admire, I've heard, -Would shudder at a wicked word. -Their candle gives a single light; -They'd rather stay at home at night. -They do not keep awake till three, -Nor read erotic poetry. -They never sanction the impure, -Nor recognize an overture. -They shrink from powders and from paints... -So far, I've had no complaints. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry. -Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor. - -- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988 -% -The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony No. 9. - -- Werner Trobin -% -The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for -everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired. -% -The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it. -% -The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first. - -- Blaise Pascal -% -The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own -hand. - -- Fred Allen -% -The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word -processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs." - -- Roy Blount, Jr. -% -The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away. - -- Governor Tarkin -% -The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, -to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. - -- Anatole France -% -The Law of the Letter: - The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope. -% -The Law of the Perversity of Nature: - You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. -% -The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the -law free. - -- Henry David Thoreau -% -The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men -should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal -weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine -we own. - -- H. G. Wells -% -The Least Perceptive Literary Critic - The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A -most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to -give a public reading of his latest poem. - Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord -Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr. -Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me." - Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable -and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark -the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better -turn." - After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr. -Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the -lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on -Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation -on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him -much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event." - Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem -exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of -their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can -be better." - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The Least Successful Animal Rescue - The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal -rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over -emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly -lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a -tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty. -So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off -later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The Least Successful Collector - Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She -was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had -amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the -works of Shakespeare. - One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond -legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The -remaining three folios are now in the British Museum. - The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned -the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The History of the -French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The Least Successful Defrosting Device - The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster -whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it. - "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips -got stuck fast." - While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he -was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away. - "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of... -muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer. - He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until -constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot -Lips". - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement - In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish -Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality -legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay -enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for -men and women. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The Least Successful Executions - History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention. -The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were -made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope -snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he -and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital -punishment, he was reprieved. - The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who -tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each -occasion failed to get the trap door open. - In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted -Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated -to America and lived until 1933. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The Least Successful Police Dogs - America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking -schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida -in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or -offend the criminal classes. - His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up -and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him." - The British contenders in this category, however, took things a -stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug -raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in -1967. - While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they -patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the -fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at -him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. - -- Kin Hubbard -% -The less time planning, the more time programming. -% -THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE - - SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming -Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College -for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write -code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, -END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a -syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful, thus achieving -the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious, -frustrating process of testing and debugging. -% -THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP - - This otherwise unremarkable language, originally developed in San -Francisco, is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set; -users must substitute "TH". LITHP is thaid to be utheful in protheththing -lithtth. -% -THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL - - SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. -Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, -SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the beans. Forty- -three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals -while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers -often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. -% -THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL - - From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando -Valley VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the -industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW. -Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other -operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are -accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example: - - LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START - IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND - GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND - VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 - THEN - FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 - DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) - SURE - LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE - GOTO THE MALL - - VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For -example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the -message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY -AWESOME! -% -THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO - - Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO -DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include -SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy -graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as -it travels across the screen. -% -THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE - - Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely -unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. -Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE -programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties. -% -THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C- - - This language was named for the grade received by its creator when -he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is -best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language -generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute -a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL. -% -THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH - - FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types -refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to -FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands -refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, -VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, and WHATEVERSAROUND. - The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and -financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and -LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, THUNDERBIRD, -RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers -who end up using this language. -% -THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK - - LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for -T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more -intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley. - The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs -while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long, -since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier. - Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a -gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to -syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I JUST CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT. -% -The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them. - -- Lenny Bruce -% -The life which is unexamined is not worth living. - -- Plato -% -The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching -train. -% -The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon. -% -The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon. -% -The Linimon's Rule About PRs: The More You Close, The More Will Come -% -The lion and the calf shall lie down -together but the calf won't get much sleep. - -- Woody Allen -% -The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll. -She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love. - -- DeGourmont -% -The little pieces of my life I give to you, -with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold. -% -The little town that time forgot, -Where all the women are strong, -The men are good-looking, -And the children above-average. - -- Prairie Home Companion -% -The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his -door with a basket of kittens. - "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?" - "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied. -Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little -girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens. - "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said. - "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered. - "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled. - "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed." -% -The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues, -for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be -simply making a limiting statement about himself. - -- Sidney Harris -% -The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. - -- Henry Kissinger -% -The longer the title, the less important the job. -% -The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate. - -- Marcus Terentius Varro -% -The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as -we could with both of them. - -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" -% -The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. -Indian Giver be the name of the Lord. -% -The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes -so many of them. - -- Abraham Lincoln -% -The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of -the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at -her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic -Handsomas roared, "Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my -steel through your last meal!" - -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest -% -The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others. -% -The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, -Are of imagination all compact... - -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream" -% -The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best. -% -The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end. - -- Benjamin Disraeli -% -The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs. - -- Kevin Cowherd -% -The major advances in civilization are processes -that all but wreck the societies in which they occur. - -- A. N. Whitehead -% -The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the -bonds will eventually mature. -% -The major sin is the sin of being born. - -- Samuel Beckett -% -The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play -the violin. - -- Honore de Balzac -% -The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. -The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of -consistency. - -- Albert Einstein -% -The makers may make, -And the users may use, -But the fixers must fix -With but minimal clues. -% -The man she had was kind and clean -And well enough for every day, -But oh, dear friends, you should have seen -The one that got away. - -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman" -% -The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner - The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is -Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost -invented it. - In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an -American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets. - The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top. -After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze --- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room. - "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the -point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves -the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is -not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved -that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and -sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. -The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever -been. - -- Alan Ashley-Pitt -% -The man who has never been flogged has never been taught. - -- Menander -% -The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news. - -- Bertolt Brecht -% -The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas. - -- H. G. Wells, "Time After Time" -% -The man who runs may fight again. - -- Menander -% -The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount -Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed. - -- Old Japanese proverb -% -The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that -will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. - -- Mark Twain -% -The man who understands one woman is -qualified to understand pretty well everything. - -- Yeats -% -The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has -to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?" - -- Will Rogers - -The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit. - -- Vice President John Nance Garner -% -The Marines: - The few, the proud, the dead on the beach. -% -The Marines: - The few, the proud, the not very bright. -% -The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning -wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city. - -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire" -% -The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, -while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one. - -- Wilhelm Stekel -% -The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice -and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the -master calls a butterfly. - -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul -% -The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of -husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism -are one, and that one is Marxism. - -- Heidi Hartmann, - "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism" -% -The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort! -% -The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a -soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car -which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years. -% -The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest. - -- Bulwer -% -The mature Bohemian is one whose woman works full time. -% -The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, -always end up on their ends without any means. - -- Saul Alinsky -% -The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out. -Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." -% -The meek don't want it. -% -The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3. -% -The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. -% -The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that -time there won't be anything left worth inheriting. -% -The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights. - -- J. P. Getty -% -The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe. -% -The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars. -% -The meek shall inherit the Earth. -(But they're gonna have to fight for it.) -% -The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you. -% -The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two -chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. - -- Carl G. Jung -% -[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be -undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful -for impotency. - -- Winston Churchill -% -The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said, - "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." - "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" - "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" -% -The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to -devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation. - -- Lew Mammel, Jr. -% -The Microsoft Exchange MTA Stacks service depends on the Microsoft Exchange -System Attendant service which failed to start because of the following -error: - -The operation completed successfully. - -For more information, see Help and Support Center at -http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/events.asp. -% -The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't. -% -The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another -mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same -being who produces the impressions. - -- Marquis D. A. F. de Sade -% -The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be -general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that -any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby -not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library -Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer -Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its -predictive power. - -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems - Thinking" -% -The Modelski Chain Rule: -1: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your - head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your - Hewlett-Packard. -2: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly - bright-looking individual. -3: Procure a large chain. -4: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely - with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem. - Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound - thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business. -% -The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything. - -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter -% -"The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of -themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become -of the bicuspids?" - -- The Old Man and his Bridge -% -The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. - -- Nicol Williamson -% -The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. -% -The moon is made of green cheese. - -- John Heywood -% -The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. -% -The Moral Majority is neither. -% -The more control, the more that requires control. -% -The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater -the odds that the competition already has the order. -% -The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. -% -The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the -lower the mailing cost. - -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" -% -The more I know men the more I like my horse. -% -The more I see of men the more I admire dogs. - -- Mme De Sevigne (1626-1696) -% -The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work. - -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" -% -The more laws and order are made prominent, -the more thieves and robbers there will be. - -- Lao Tsu -% -The more the merrier. - -- John Heywood -% -The more they over-think the plumbing -the easier it is to stop up the drain. -% -The more things change, the more they remain the same. - -- Alphonse Karr -% -The more things change, the more they stay insane. -% -The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again. -% -The more we disagree, the more chance -there is that at least one of us is right. -% -The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. -% -The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war. -% -The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke. -First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize, -three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each. -% -The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble. -% -The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. - -- Andy Warhol -% -The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk. -% -The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to -exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but -rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and -flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst -have the good fortune to find one. - -- Carlyle -% -The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common -family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number -of people in the world named Mohammad Chang? - -- Derek Wills -% -The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately -in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -The most dangerous food is wedding cake. - -- American proverb -% -The most dangerous organization in America today is: - - a) The KKK - b) The American Nazi Party - c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club -% -The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in -the country is the one on which you resell it. - -- J. Brecheux -% -The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS -is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian. -% -The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and -to watch someone else do it wrong without comment. - -- Theodore H. White -% -The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding. -% -The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does -not approach what your best friends say behind your back. - -- Alfred De Musset -% -The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new -discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." - -- Isaac Asimov -% -The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a -ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last -it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal -woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children, -the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the -bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold -in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman, -starts a long, long time before the event. - -- W. B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham", - from "Congress Eate It Up" -% -...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man: -freshman English at a Midwestern university. - -- Tom Wolfe -% -The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union -of a deaf man to a blind woman. - -- Samuel T. Coleridge -% -The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise. -% -The most important early product on the way -to developing a good product is an imperfect version. -% -The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating -people to approach printed matter with distrust. -% -The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman -is that one of them be good at taking orders. - -- Linda Festa -% -The most important things, each person must do for himself. -% -The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money. - -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I" -% -The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national -conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the -participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national -organization. - The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national -organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The -orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you -know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had -every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished. - But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New* -New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it. - A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The -Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the -weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning, -a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body -with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the -Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly -white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or -so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution -or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real -possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying -lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their -demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their -astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed -an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the -radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of -existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion -and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and -broke into regional groups to discuss `outreach.'" - -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988 -% -The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she -served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never -been found. - -- Calvin Trillin -% -The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the -biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to -them were fishermen. - -- Arthur Binstead -% -The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible - The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert -Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained -several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from -the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority, -to commit adultery. - Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote -country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined -the printers L3,000. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little -children for their insurance money. - -- Sherlock Holmes -% -The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. -% -The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, - Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit -Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, - Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it. -% -The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the -perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love -seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it. -% -The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt. - -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" -% -The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe. - -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy -% -The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in -1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert. - -- David Letterman -% -The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: - Support your right to bare arms! -% -The nearer to the church, the further from God. - -- John Heywood -% -The Net interprets censorship as damage and routes around it. - -- John Gilmore -% -The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded -in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but -occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that! - -- James "Kibo" Parry -% -The net of law is spread so wide, -No sinner from its sweep may hide. -Its meshes are so fine and strong, -They take in every child of wrong. -O wondrous web of mystery! -Big fish alone escape from thee! - -- James Jeffrey Roche -% -The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. -I hope I don't get run over again. -% -The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 -doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. -% -THE NEW RIGHT: - A javelin team that elects to receive. -% -The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, -in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. - - But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: - for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. - - -- Matthew 5:37 -% -The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The -Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. -The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive -and running the country ... - -- Robert J. Woodhead -% -The next person to mention spaghetti stacks -to me is going to have his head knocked off. - -- Bill Conrad -% -The next thing I say to you will be true. -The last thing I said was false. -% -The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people. - -- Lucille S. Harper -% -The nice thing about standards -is that there are so many of them to choose from. - -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum -% -The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night. -% -The night passes quickly when you're asleep -But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat -... -Breakfast at the Egg House, -Like the waffle on the griddle, -I'm burnt around the edges, -But I'm tender in the middle. - -- Adrian Belew -% -The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered -rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen -bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim, -'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh. - -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest -% -The notion of a "record" is an obsolete -remnant of the days of the 80-column card. - -- Dennis M. Ritchie -% -The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should -serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society -these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their -function is to serve as checks upon the state. - -- Alan Barth -% -The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are -correct. - -- Ralph Hartley -% -The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely -proportional to the number of bugs in their code. -% -The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success -of the barbecue. -% -The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine -increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice. -% -The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected. - -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972 -% -The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post -is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer -is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country. - -- Robert Woodhead -% -The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze -all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have -answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems -when called upon. - However... -When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind -yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. -% -The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million. -% -The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator". -% -The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: - - Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the - Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director - of Corporate Planning." -% -The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane: - - Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless - you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you - is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the - unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome. -% -The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps: - - Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy - remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate - some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La - like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the - office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun - god at 8:15 the next morning. -% -The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds -is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been -more like fourteen. - -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire" -% -The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the -New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that -they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont. - "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have -taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!" -% -THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time -to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the -floor. - -"Sorry," he said with a smile. - -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) -% -The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. -% -The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. -Let the reader catch his own breath. - -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart -% -The older I grow, the more I distrust the -familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -The one good thing about repeating your -mistakes is that you know when to cringe. -% -The one L lama, he's a priest -The two L llama, he's a beast -And I will bet my silk pyjama -There isn't any three L lllama. - -- Ogden Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally - his department responded to something like a "three L lllama." -% -The One Page Principle: - A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper - cannot be understood. - -- Mark Ardis -% -The one sure way to make a lazy man look -respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand. -% -The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed. - -- Abbey Hoffman -% -The only certainty is that nothing is certain. - -- Pliny the Elder -% -The only constant is change. -% -The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a -right turn on a red light. - -- Woody Allen -% -The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is -that the car salesman knows he's lying. -% -The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions. -% -The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that -every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -The only difference in the game of love over the last few -thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds. - -- The Indianapolis Star -% -The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look -respectable. - -- John Kenneth Galbraith -% -The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal. -The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may -experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and -thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever -could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very -swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels -much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of -oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach -it and are delighted. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is -that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences; -beyond this they have no legitimacy. - -- Albert Einstein -% -The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away -is your husband. -% -The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live, -mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, -the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn -like fabulous yellow Roman candles. - -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road" -% -The only people who make love all the time are liars. - -- Louis Jordan -% -The only perfect science is hind-sight. -% -The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. -% -The only possible interpretation of any research -whatever in the "social sciences" is: some do, some don't. - -- Ernest Rutherford -% -The only problem with being a man of leisure -is that you can never stop and take a rest. -% -The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane. - -- Phaedrus -% -The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to -be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to -be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think -you've got something really great, add ten per cent more. - -- Bill Veeck -% -The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a -plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal -other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable. - -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On" -% -The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it. -% -The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method -for getting acquainted. - -- Heywood Broun -% -The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon. - -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and - Over and Over" -% -The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it. -% -The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber -has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, -finished, and put inside boxes. - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" -% -The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise -of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock. - -- Colette -% -The only reward of virtue is virtue. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -The only rose without thorns is friendship. -% -The only thing better than love is milk. -% -The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk. -% -The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches -us nothing. - -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog) -% -The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that -the first one was useless. - -- Nicolas Chamfort -% -The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn. - -- Earl Warren - -That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all -the lessons that history has to teach. - -- Aldous Huxley - -We learn from history that we do not learn from history. - -- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel - -HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn -nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened -this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view. - -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" -% -The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from -history. - -- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel - -I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the -long view. - -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar" -% -The only thing which separates man from child is all the values -he has lost over the years. - -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) -% -The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything. - -- C. Schultz -% -The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge -and guilt. - -- Elvis Costello -% -The only way to amuse some people -is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. -% -The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, -drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. - -- Mark Twain -% -The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. - -- David Gerrold -% -The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt -in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together. - -- Jean de la Bruyere -% -The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up -until 5 or 6 PM. -% -The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite -of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. - -- Niels Bohr -% -The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. - -- Niels Bohr -% -The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is -waiting. - -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" -% -The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, -and the pessimist knows it. - -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists" - -Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking -almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all -possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. - -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion" -% -The optimum committee has no members. - -- Norman Augustine -% -The opulence of the front office door varies -inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm. -% -The orders come down and they march us away. -There's a battle outside and we join in the fray. -God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day, -But it's better than working for Xerox. - -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask" -% -The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost -went back in time. - -- Steven Wright -% -The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. - -- Steven Wright -% -The other line moves faster. -% -The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on -a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance -with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke -English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a -pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her -head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a -table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to -dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They -went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious -evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew -a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has -never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. -% -The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me". -% -The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add. - -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court -% -The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what -she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked, - "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?" - "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals." -% -The past always looks better than it was. -It's only pleasant because it isn't here. - -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) -% -The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it -were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -The people sensible enough to give -good advice are usually sensible enough to give none. -% -The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly -- -not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you -waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are. -In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the -person you have always wanted to be. - -- Nancy Friday -% -The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M. - -- Charles Pierce -% -The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner, -but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that -quality of joy. - -- Erica Jong -% -The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. -% -The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it. -% -The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying. -% -The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes. -% -The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip -market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and -is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose" - -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982 -% -The philosopher's treatment of a question -is like the treatment of an illness. - -- Wittgenstein -% -The Phone Booth Rule: - A lone dime always gets the number nearly right. -% -The Pig, if I am not mistaken, -Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. -Let others think his heart is big, -I think it stupid of the Pig. - -- Ogden Nash -% -The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang -and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter -connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center -fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were -blound by the sun and he dropped it. - -- Dizzy Dean -% -The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose. - -- David Lardner -% -The Poems, all three hundred of them, -may be summed up in one of their phrases: -"Let our thoughts be correct". - -- Confucius -% -The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life - The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George -Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his -verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well". - In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his -work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually -lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel". - High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically -rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with -the higher emotions. - She would me "Honey" call, - She'd -- O she'd kiss me too. - But now alas! She's left me - Falero, lero, loo. - Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize -was her prudent choice of footwear. - The fives did fit her shoe. - In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by -the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the -Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and -begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied, -"Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the -worst poet in England." - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The poetry of heroism appeals irresistibly to those who don't go to a war, -and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy." - -- Celine -% -The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad -trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and -save your sanity for later. -% -The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be -addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally -important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not -expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can -we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing -true distaste. - -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly - Correct Behavior" -% -The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment. -To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog. - -- Buckminster Fuller -% -The pollution's at that awkward stage. -Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate. - -- Doug Sneyd -% -The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more -often. -% -The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it. - -- Anthony Burgess -% -The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor -prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, -or to the people. - -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights) -% -The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, - Were each of them once a kiddie. -A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. - Do I want one? God Forbiddie! - -- Ogden Nash -% -The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his -brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is -Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. - -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter -% -The prettiest women are almost always the most -boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God. - -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" -% -The price of greatness is responsibility. -% -The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday -they might force their beliefs on us. - -- Mario Cuomo -% -The price of success in philosophy is triviality. - -- C. Glymour -% -The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate -knowledge of its ugly side. - -- James Baldwin -% -The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired -warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by -changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped -marker. - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" -% -The primary function of the design engineer is to make things -difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman. -% -The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; -instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the -variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead -of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the -program, should the value of pi change. - -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers -% -The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough -voters to win the next election. -% -The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" -represents the secondary theme: - - Law Enforcement Officials - -The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: - - Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials - -- M. Gallaher -% -The probability of someone watching you is directly -proportional to the stupidity of your action. -% -The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. -Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil -using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle -Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, -etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous -bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None -of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats -developed cancer. - -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" -% -The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, -a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem. - -- Mike Smith -% -The problem with any unwritten law is that -you don't know where to go to erase it. - -- Glaser and Way -% -The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have -to sleep every few days. -% -The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my -time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my -government because they could not keep up. - -- Idi Amin Dada -% -The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that -for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good -requires intent. -% -The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can -be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. - -- Elizabeth Taylor -% -The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. -% -The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty -for incompetence. -% -The problems of business administration in general, and database management in -particular are much too difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded -with sloppy English. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra -% -The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, -stable business. - -- John Steinbeck -% -The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead. -% -The proof of the pudding is in the eating. - -- Miguel de Cervantes -% -The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel -and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a -horse. - -- Jac Goudsmit -% -The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper -thoughts about their neighbours. - -- F. H. Bradley -% -The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's -outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake -since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its -victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before -running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit -raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no -certainties. - -- H. L. Mencken, "Prejudice" -% -The Public is merely a multiplied "me." - -- Mark Twain -% -The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but -because it gave pleasure to the spectators. - -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England" -% -The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're -not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not -engineers. -% -The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's: - "My brain is paged out to my liver" -% -The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder. -% -The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to -join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its -attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every -sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good -whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot -contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them -remain each in their own position. - -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from - Queen Victoria -% -The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is -it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, -that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of -industrial waste? - -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" -% -The questions remain the same. -The answers are eternally variable. -% -The Rabbits The Cow -Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk; -That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk. - -- Ogden Nash -% -The race is not always to the swift, nor the -battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet. - -- Damon Runyon -% -The rain it raineth on the just -And also on the unjust fella: -But chiefly on the just, because -The unjust steals the just's umbrella. - -- Lord Bowen -% -The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi. -% -The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise -measurement of the speed of blight. -% -The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the -illiterates can read. - -- Alberto Moravia -% -The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is -cursed. -% -The real man's Bloody Mary: - Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire - sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery. - - Fill a large tumbler with vodka. - Throw all the other ingredients away. -% -The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys. -% -The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking. - -- Christopher Morley -% -The real reason large families benefit society is because at least -a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners. -% -The real reason psychology is hard is that -psychologists are trying to do the impossible. -% -The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music. -% -The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. -% -The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose", -which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape -Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil -Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like. - -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" -% -The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love. - -- Don Rose -% -The reason that every major university maintains a department of -mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those -people. -% -The reason they're called wisdom teeth -is that the experience makes you wise. -% -The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's -absolutely not. - -- Bill Gates -% -The reason why worry kills more people -than work is that more people worry than work. -% -The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one -persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all -progress depends on the unreasonable man. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its -financial commitments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of -a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy -industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because -nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country. - -- Paul Erdman's Money Book -% -The relative importance of files depends on their cost -in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them. - -- T. A. Dolotta -% -The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk -of a Dodge Dart. - -- Lisa Alther -% -The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher -Called a hen a most elegant creature. - The hen, pleased with that, - Laid an egg in his hat -- -And thus did the hen reward Beecher. - -- Oliver Wendell Holmes -% -The reverse side also has a reverse side. - -- Japanese proverb -% -The revolution will not be televised. -% -The reward for working hard is more hard work. -% -The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -The rhino is a homely beast, -For human eyes he's not a feast. -Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros, -I'll stare at something less prepoceros. - -- Ogden Nash -% -The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer. -The haves get more, the have-nots die. -% -The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. -This means that only left handed people are in their right mind. -% -The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests -and to his imagination for his facts. - -- Sheridan -% -The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be -taken seriously. - -- Hubert H. Humphrey -% -The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom. - -- Justice Douglas -% -The right to revolt has sources deep in our history. - -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas -% -The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared -for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his -infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and -upon the successful management of which so much remains. - -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist -% -The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the -House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights -you have and what rights you have not got. - -- J. Parnell Thomas -% -The ripest fruit falls first. - -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" -% -The road to Hades is easy to travel. - -- Bion -% -The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with -sloppy analysis! -% -The road to hell is paved with NAND gates. - -- J. Gooding -% -The road to ruin is always in good repair, -and the travellers pay the expense of it. - -- Josh Billings -% -The Roman Rule - The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the - one who is doing it. -% -The root of all superstition is that men -observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses. - -- Francis Bacon -% -The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us. -% -The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in -his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on -one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't -take it too seriously. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today. - -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) -% -The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or -give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. - -- Jane Bryant Quinn -% -The rules are rather simple to understand: Under democracy you -can defend any view, but only defend it. You can not try to realize -it through power, violence or weapons. - -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) -% -The rules: - -1: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems. -2: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at - the console keyboard. -3: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little - card decks together. -4: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system, - especially if you're already married. -5: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as Frisbees, nor use a disk pack as - a stool to reach another disk pack. -6: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour - shift. -7: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their - files/backup just to see the look on their little faces. -8: Thou shalt not enjoy canceling a job. -9: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room. -10: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens". -% -The Russians have put a small ball up in the air. -That does not raise my apprehensions one iota. - -- Dwight D. Eisenhower -% -The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market -award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal -gesture by the individual to himself. - -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal" -% -The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics! -% -The savior becomes the victim. -% -The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse. - -Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'. -Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..." - -Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*. -% -"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography" -% -The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 -showed that all had these things in common: - - (1) They all had moderate appetites. - (2) They all came from middle class homes. - (3) All but two of them were dead. -% -The scum also rises. - -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson -% -The sealed-paper-in-a-safe thing is only your last resort if all your -password-knowers get hit by a redundant array of inexperienced busdrivers. - -- jpd on comp.unix.freebsd.bsd.misc -% -The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is -a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings -of civilization. - -- T. K. -% -The second best policy is dishonesty. -% -The Second Law of Thermodynamics: - If you think things are in a mess now, just wait! - -- Jim Warner -% -The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody. -% -The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food. -% -The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, -you've got it made. - -- Jean Giraudoux -% -The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; -there is no humor in Heaven. - -- Mark Twain -% -The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone -beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why! - -- Harry Skelton -% -The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, -respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven millstones -from Man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the -millstones are lifted. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he -reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray -Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace -of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of -him are dead, he is alive. - Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached -everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce -host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and -equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." - "How?" demanded Fafhrd. - Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." - -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar" -% -The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth, -and sixth years. -% -The sheep died in the wool. -% -The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land. -% -The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends. - -- Marcus Tullius Cicero -% -The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line. -% -The shortest distance between two points is under construction. - -- Noelie Alito -% -The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed. - -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia -% -The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft -voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity. - -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907 -% -The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee: - The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going -in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long -way.) - -- Dan Roddick -% -The sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick. - -- [just say that five times...] -% -The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing. - -- Judge Harold T. Stone -% -The smallest worm will turn being trodden on. - -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" -% -The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing, -And surly Winter grimly flies. -Now crystal clear are the falling waters, -And bonnie blue are the sunny skies. -Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning, -The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell: -All creatures joy in the sun's returning, -And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell. - -The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer, -The yellow Autumn presses near; -Then in his turn come gloomy Winter, -Till smiling Spring again appear. -Thus seasons dancing, life advancing, -Old Time and Nature their changes tell; -But never ranging, still unchanging, -I adore my bonnie Bell. - -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell" -% -The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an -"airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers -while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference -- -one can see only a very few things at once. - -- Frederick Brooks, Jr. -% -The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the -rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors. - -- Max Lerner -% -The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and -tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will -have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor -its theories will hold water. -% -The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door -He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore" -The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before -And slowly she let him inside. - -He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young -But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won -And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun -And now will you tell me why?" - -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier" -% -The solution of problems is the most characteristic -and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking. - -- William James -% -The solution of this problem is trivial -and is left as an exercise for the reader. -% -The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from -his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was -sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and -active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and -exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disappointed with the -dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it. - For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and -vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation -was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was -horrified! Then came the children's lesson. - For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table. -The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against -the table as the children gathered around him. - He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?" - There was total silence. - He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?" - Total silence. - Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please, -sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me." -% -The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money. - -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon" -% -The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up! -% -The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be -able to correct them. - -- Nicolaides -% -The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. -% -The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound. -In town a noun might wear a gown, -or further down, might dress a clown. -A noun that's sound would never clown, -but unsound nouns jump up and down. -The sound of a noun could disturb the plowing, -and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound. -But please don't let that get you down, -the renown of your gown is the talk of the town. - -- A. Nonnie Mouse -% -The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's -readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of -some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet -reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led -the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well -known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at -Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program -of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of -psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three -Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That -these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a -further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want -something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from -the Russians. - -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973 -% -The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet -themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week -against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat -Russian, get off my Ford Escort." - -- Dennis Miller -% -The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything. -% -The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the -philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world -is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying -reality. - -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" -% -The star of riches is shining upon you. -% -The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers -written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not -follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces -of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took -the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held -in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation -died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put -back by years. - -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything" -% -The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub. -% -The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin. - -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices" -% -The state that separates its scholars from its warriors will have its -thinking done by cowards, and its fighting by fools. - - -- Thucydides -% -The steady state of disks is full. - -- Ken Thompson -% -The story of the butterfly: - "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love, -a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go -out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on -the third day, I heard a knock." - "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight, -there was nothing." - "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away." - -- Peter Carey, BLISS -% -The story you are about to hear is true. -Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. -% -The street preacher looked so baffled -When I asked him why he dressed -With forty pounds of headlines -Stapled to his chest. -But he cursed me when I proved to him -I said, "Not even you can hide. -You see, you're just like me. -I hope you're satisfied." - -- Bob Dylan -% -The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make -them unsafe. - -- Mayor Frank Rizzo -% -The streets were dark with something more than night. - -- Raymond Chandler -% -The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay. -% -The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He -can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless -existence recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is -that he has the strength to recognize -- and to live with the recognition -- -that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones. -He creates himself by fashioning his own values; he has the pride to live -by the values he wills. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and -is an emerging underachiever. -% -The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant -biology. -% -"The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren't -even any property taxes." - -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b -% -The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have -yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand. - -- The Silver Surfer -% -The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant. -The population is, of course, growing. -% -The sum of the Universe is zero. -% -The sun never sets on those who ride into it. - -- RKO -% -The sun was shining on the sea, -Shining with all his might: -He did his very best to make -The billows smooth and bright -- -And this was very odd, because it was -The middle of the night. - -- Lewis Carroll, - "Through the Looking-Glass, - and What Alice Found There" (1871) -% -The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness. - -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed" -% -The superfluous is very necessary. - -- Voltaire -% -The superior man understands what is right; -the inferior man understands what will sell. - -- Confucius -% -The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their -way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other, -whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other -side a consistency, foresight and coherence that its own experience belies. -Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to -speak of the room. - -- Henry Kissinger -% -The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed. -% -The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. - -- Mark Twain -% -The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife. -% -The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher -esteem those who think alike than those who think differently. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -The surest way to remain a winner is to -win once, and then not play any more. -% -The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core -- -Scratch a lover and find a foe! - -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness" -% -The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday. -% -The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance. -% -The Tao doesn't take sides; -it gives birth to both wins and losses. -The Guru doesn't take sides; -she welcomes both hackers and lusers. - -The Tao is like a stack: -the data changes but not the structure. -the more you use it, the deeper it becomes; -the more you talk of it, the less you understand. - -Hold on to the root. -% -The Tao is like a glob pattern: -used but never used up. -It is like the extern void: -filled with infinite possibilities. - -It is masked but always present. -I don't know who built to it. -It came before the first kernel. -% -The tao that can be tar(1)ed -is not the entire Tao. -The path that can be specified -is not the Full Path. - -We declare the names -of all variables and functions. -Yet the Tao has no type specifier. - -Dynamically binding, you realize the magic. -Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy. - -Yet magic and hierarchy -arise from the same source, -and this source has a null pointer. - -Reference the NULL within NULL, -it is the gateway to all wizardry. -% -The technician should never forget that he is an artist, the -artist never that he is a technician. - -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) -% -The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer -them a drink. - -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview" -% -The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available -data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon -shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, -as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much -radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times -as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we -receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the -Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature -of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where -the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, -i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using -the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute -temperature of the earth (~300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact -temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the -temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas. -Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their -part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten -brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, -or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have, -then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. - -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972 -% -The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled -culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale. -% -The Ten Commandments for Technicians: - 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged - capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a - most untechnician-like manner. - - 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy - fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console - her in other ways. -% -The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene -of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process -as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The -employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible -temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated. - -- Kenny's Korner -% -The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed -ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. - -- F. Scott Fitzgerald -% -The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. - -- Aldo Leopold -% -The thing that takes up the least amount of time -and causes the most amount of trouble is sex. -% -The things that interest people most are usually none of their business. -% -The Third Law of Photography: - If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined - when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of - the dark leaks out. -% -The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I -want the job. - -- Ronald Reagan in 1973 - -Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he -would have lost. - -- Mort Sahl - -Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art. - -- Gore Vidal - -Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and -I need a lot of sleep. - -- Roy G. Blount, Jr. - -You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him -accurately it's called mudslinging. - -- Walter Mondale -% -The Thought Police are here. They've come -To put you under cardiac arrest. -And as they drag you through the door -They tell you that you've failed the test. - -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age" -% -The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August. -% -The three biggest software lies: - - 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source. - 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from - will fix the microcode. - 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site. -% -The three laws of thermodynamics: - (1) You can't get anything without working for it. - (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. - (3) You can only break even at absolute zero. -% -THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND: - -1) Where's the bathroom? -2) What time does the parade start? -3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it? -% -The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a -soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with -an idea. - -- The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook -% -The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive? -2. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place? - -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" -% -The three rules of international air travel: - -(1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used - to be Braniff or Aeroflot). -(2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you - know *exactly* what you're doing. -(3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own. -% -The thrill is here, but it won't last long -You'd better have your fun before it moves along... -% -The time for action is past! -Now is the time for senseless bickering. -% -The time is right to make new friends. -% -The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance -committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved. - -- C. N. Parkinson -% -The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut. -The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of -Judgment Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by -mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age, -men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came. -The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of -the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the -Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced -them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or -it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I -choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be -brought." - -- Alistair Cooke -% -The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless. - -- Hosea Ballou -% -The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad. -% -The tree of research must from time to time -be refreshed with the blood of bean counters. - -- Alan Kay -% -The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men, -but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings. - -- Little Big Man -% -The trouble with a kitten is that -When it grows up, it's always a cat - -- Ogden Nash -% -The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator. -% -The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. -% -The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate -it. - -- Franklin P. Jones -% -The trouble with being punctual is that people -think you have nothing more important to do. -% -The trouble with computers is that they do -what you tell them, not what you want. - -- D. Cohen -% -The trouble with doing something right the first -time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. -% -The trouble with eating Italian food is that -five or six days later you're hungry again. - -- George Miller -% -The trouble with heart disease is that the first -symptom is often hard to deal with: death. - -- Michael Phelps -% -The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives. - -- George S. Kaufman -% -The trouble with money is it costs too much! -% -The trouble with opportunity is that it -always comes disguised as hard work. - -- Herbert V. Prochnow -% -The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- -and then marry him. - -- Cher -% -The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths. - -- Ken Kesey -% -The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds -the other fellow of a dull one. - -- Sid Caesar -% -The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. - -- Lily Tomlin -% -The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians -who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool -all of the people all of the time. - -- Franklin Adams -% -The trouble with you -Is the trouble with me. -Got two good eyes -But we still don't see. - -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead" -% -The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great -height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make -people stumble than to be walked upon. - -- Franz Kafka -% -The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides. - -- Andre Malraux -% -The truth is rarely pure, and never simple. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie. - -- Lenny Bruce -% -The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. -And vice versa. -% -The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it. - -- Stanley Kubrick -% -The Truth Shall Rape You Over. - -- Caltech -% -The truth you speak has no past and no future. -It is, and that's all it needs to be. -% -The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks -Which practically conceal its sex. -I think it clever of the turtle -In such a fix to be so fertile. - -- Ogden Nash -% -The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed." - -- Dorothy Parker -% -The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity. - -- Harlan Ellison -% -The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that -two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated -by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics. - -- I. F. Stone -% -The two things that can get you into trouble -quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses. -% -The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more -annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh? -And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh? -There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh? -So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot, -Eh? -So shut yer face up and dry yer mukluks by the fire, eh? -And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh? -They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way! -Eh? - -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh? -Beauty! -% -The ultimate game show will be the one -where somebody gets killed at the end. - -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show" -% -The unfacts, did we have them, are too -imprecisely few to warrant out certitude. -% -The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are -"100 percent American"... - -- U.S. Army (1945) -% -The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress. -% -The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be -broken. -% -The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang. -% -The universe is an island, -surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes. -% -The universe is laughing behind your back. -% -The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the -combination is locked up in the safe. - -- Peter de Vries - -Corollary: The combination is not a problem since we are locked in the -same safe. -% -The Universe is populated by stable things. - -- Richard Dawkins -% -The universe is ruled by letting things take their course. -It cannot be ruled by interfering. - -- Chinese proverb -% -The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent. - -- Sagan -% -The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie -Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is -said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of -his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." -% -The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal, -and deviation standard. -% -The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to -hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure. -% -The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable -that I assume it must be evil. - -- Heywood Broun -% -The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and -religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging -from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its -yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the -world put together. - -- Sir Peter Medawar -% -The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems -is a symptom of professional immaturity. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra -% -The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be -regarded as a criminal offence. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 -% -The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. -% -The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes -the worst cigars. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -The very first essential for success is a perpetually -constant and regular employment of violence. - -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf" -% -The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid -prejudice. - -- Mark Twain -% -The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. -Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts -to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to -be one of the facts that needs altering. - -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who: Face of Evil" -% -The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me. - -- Miguel de Cervantes -% -The Vet Who Surprised A Cow - In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary -surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal -gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial -expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some -bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000. -The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to -the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance -to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth. - -- John Wayne -% -The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases. - -- Jerry Brown -% -The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh -restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks, -dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She -sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table, -then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend. -A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned -to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking." -% -The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, -it's just a tired feeling. -% -The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth. -% -The wages of sin are unreported. -% -The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States -Constitution. -% -The warning message we sent the Russians was a -calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood. - -- Alexander Haig -% -The water was not fit to drink. -To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey. -By diligent effort, I learned to like it. - -- Winston Churchill -% -The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and -incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. - -- Emo Philips -% -The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones. - -- Nathaniel Howe -% -The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward. -% -The way to a man's heart is through his -wife's belly, and don't you forget it. - -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" -% -The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle. -% -The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus. -% -The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run. -% -The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. -% -The way to make a small fortune in the -commodities market is to start with a large fortune. -% -The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful. -My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away. -My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful. -Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play? -I feel together today! - -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph" -% -The weed of crime bears bitter fruit. -% -The weed of crime bears bitter fruit... -but the leaves are good to smoke! - -- The Shadow -% -The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. - "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked. - "Begin at the beginning," the King said, very gravely, -"and go on till you come to the end: then stop." - -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) -% -The white race is the cancer of history. - -- Susan Sontag -% -The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak. - -- Wavy Gravy -% -The whole of life is futile unless you -consider it as a sporting proposition. -% -The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always -so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts. - -- Bertrand Russell -% -The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively. - -- Peter Beard -% -The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. - -- George Gobel -% -The wind doth taste so bitter sweet, - Like Jaspar wine and sugar, -It must have blown through someone's feet, - Like those of Caspar Weinberger. - -- P. Opus -% -The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and -not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he -should. - -- W. C. Fields -% -The wise man seeks everything in himself; -the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else. -% -The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf. -% -The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the -medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work, -she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to -live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you -throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?" - "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have -to get up in the morning!" -% -The wonderful thing about a dancing bear -is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all. -% -The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools -we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral -and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because -of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible. -We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller -ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much. - -- Paul Licker -% -The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not -designed for people who walk on their hands. - -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp" -% -The world is a comedy to those who think, -and a tragedy to those who feel. - -- Horace Walpole -% -The world is coming to an end. Please log off. -% -The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!! -% -The world is coming to an end! -Repent and return those library books! -% -The world is full of people who have never, since -childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind. - -- E. B. White -% -The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says -it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it. - -- E. Hubbard -% -The world is not octal despite DEC. -% -The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. -It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. -You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages. - -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul -% -The world needs more people like us and fewer like them. -% -The world really isn't any worse. -It's just that the news coverage is so much better. -% -The world wants to be deceived. - -- Sebastian Brant -% -The world's as ugly as sin, -And almost as delightful. - -- Frederick Locker-Lampson -% -The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, -nor its great scholars great men. - -- Oliver Wendell Holmes -% -The Worst American Poet - Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that -Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years. - Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire -of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her -pen. - Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the -formula was the same: - Have you heard of the dreadful fate - Of Mr. P. P. Bliss and wife? - Of their death I will relate, - And also others lost their life - (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster, - Where so many people died. - Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems, -the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a -river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than -a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded. - Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even -suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was -forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went -beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do". - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -THE WORST BANK ROBBERY - -In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of -Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They -had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, -sheepishly left the building. -A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of -robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded -5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it -was a practical joke. -Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor -clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got -trapped in the revolving doors again. -% -The Worst Car Hire Service - When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck -as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up -shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California. - He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he -conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles. - To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and -he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving -round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do. - "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to -admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we -overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle -we might overlook that too." - "Where's the ashtray?" asked one Los Angeles wife, as she settled -into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the -ash tray." - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The worst cliques are those which consist of one man. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -THE WORST HOMING PIGEON - -This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was -expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, -in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The worst is enemy of the bad. -% -The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst." - -- King Lear -% -The Worst Jury - A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when -one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the -remotest clue what was happening. - The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any -evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him. - The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second -juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French -speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he -was hearing a murder trial. - The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered -from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language -and nearly as deaf as the first juror. - The judge ordered a retrial. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The Worst Lines of Verse -For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line: - "Come, muse, let us sing of rats." -Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted -these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous -laughter the instant they were read out. - No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was -inspired by the subject of war. - "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away, - And the grey roof reddened and rang; - Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay - The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!" -By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79): - "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..." -While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables: - "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed, - The crippled pea alone that cannot stand." -George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote: - "And I was ask'd and authorized to go - To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co." -William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse: - "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak - While in this world, are liable to leak." -And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when -describing a pond: - "I've measured it from side to side; - Tis three feet long and two feet wide." - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The Worst Musical Trio - There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at -a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their -instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian -gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated -violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite -unhampered by great musical talent. - Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public -concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does. -A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although -Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau -in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown. - "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father, -"and it will be a sell out." - Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited -audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and -asked for someone to turn his pages. - In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who -volunteered and made his way to the stage. - The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the -music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle -Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played -the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages. -But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin." - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The worst part of having success is trying -to find someone who is happy for you. - -- Bette Midler -% -The worst part of valor is indiscretion. -% -The Worst Prison Guards - The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a -maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison, -near Lisbon in Portugal. - During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison -warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which -included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity -of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were -planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had -not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were -"covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels, -water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities. -The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36 -prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal" -because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back -the next morning. - "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when -one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they -eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the jail's -population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr. -Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the -"legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty." - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, -but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they -are sober. - -- William Butler Yeats -% -The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one -wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering -if something could have materialized -- and never knowing. - -- David Viscott -% -The Wright Brothers weren't the first to fly. -They were just the first not to crash. -% -The yankees, son, are up north. -The damnyankees are down here. -% -The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of -four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all -the answers. -% -The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup. - "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor. - "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated." -% -The young lady had an unusual list, -Linked in part to a structural weakness. -She set no preconditions. -% -The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means -to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he -found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day. -He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the -rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's -golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls. -"Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece." - "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street -they only charge $1 a ball!" - "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the -rooms." -% -THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE -% -Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer... -and you'd better not refuse. -% -Them as has, gets. -% -Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. - -He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, -then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open -market. - -If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should -not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself. - -Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. -Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. -Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. - -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" -% -Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her -incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, -acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly. - -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D." -% -Then here's to the City of Boston, -The town of the cries and the groans. -Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks, -And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns. - -- Franklin Pierce Adams -% -Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly. -I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was -right. - -- P. J. O'Rourke -% -Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On. -% -Then there was the Scoutmaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of -Tates brand compasses for his troop; only $1.25 each! Only problem was, -when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing -to the "W" on the dial. - -Moral: - He who has a Tates is lost! -% -Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand -it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner. - -- Elbert Hubbard -% -Theorem: a cat has nine tails. -Proof: - No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. - Therefore, a cat has nine tails. -% -Theorem: All positive integers are equal. -Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B. - Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B - (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B. - -Proceed by induction: - If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. - So A = B. - -Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with - MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence - (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B. -% -Theorem: All programs are dull. - -Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is -nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all -sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is -the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides -the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek. - -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" -% -THEORY: - System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to - originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good - it will look in print. -% -Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green. - -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -% -Theory of Selective Supervision: - The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is - the one time the boss walks through the office. -% -There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black -armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad -shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you -realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your -body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons: -sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident. -He speaks with a commanding voice: - - "YOU SHALL NOT PASS" - -As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you. -% -There appears to be irrefutable evidence that -the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence. - -- Harvey Wheeler -% -There are a few things that never go out of style, -and a feminine woman is one of them. - -- Ralston -% -There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true. - -- Winston Churchill -% -There are bad times just around the corner, -There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky -And it's no good whining -About a silver lining -For we know from experience that they won't roll by... - -- Noel Coward -% -There are few people more often in the wrong -than those who cannot endure to be thought so. -% -There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess -- -and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided. - -- Winston Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945 -% -There are four boxes to be used in defense of liberty: soap, ballot, -jury, and ammo. Please use in that order. - -- Ed Howdershelt -% -There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, -and praiseworthy ... - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's -the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you -cannot know a woman, the divorce. - -- Norman Mailer -% -There are many intelligent species in -the universe, and they all own cats. -% -There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break -about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get -about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor -get it in the winter. - -- Bat Masterson -% -There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal -friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably -avoiding a great deal of pain. -% -There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing. - -- Eugene Ionesco -% -There are more old drunkards than old doctors. -% -There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else. -% -There are more things in heaven and earth, -Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. - -- Hamlet -% -There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream. -% -There are never any bugs you haven't found yet. -% -There are new messages. -% -There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe. - -- Baba Ram Dass -% -There are no answers, only cross-references. - -- Weiner -% -There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axes -are chosen correctly. -% -There are no emotional victims, only volunteers. -% -There are no games on this system. -% -There are no great men, buster. There are only men. - -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful" -% -There are no great men, only great challenges that -ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet. - -- Admiral William Halsey -% -There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry. - -- The Duke of Wellington -% -There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence -of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally -competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make -some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible. - -- Richard Davisson -% -There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort -of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it. -% -There are no winners in life, only survivors. -% -There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly. - -- Helen Rowland -% -There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better. -% -There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and -taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days. - -- shades -% -There are people so addicted to exaggeration -that they can't tell the truth without lying. - -- Josh Billings -% -There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals -in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so -people who find nothing odd about it. - -- Calvin Trillin -% -There are places I'll remember -All my life though some have changed. -Some forever not for better -Some have gone and some remain. -All these places had their moments -With lovers and friends I still recall. -Some are dead and some are living, -In my life I've loved them all. - -But of all these friends and lovers, -There is no one compared with you, -All these memories lose their meaning -When I think of love as something new. -Though I know I'll never lose affection -For people and things that went before, -I know I'll often stop and think about them -In my life I'll love you more. - -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965 -% -There are running jobs. -Why don't you go chase them? -% -There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both -plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; -and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, -don't we all? -% -There are strange things done in the midnight sun - By the men who moil for gold; -The Arctic trails have their secret tales - That would make your blood run cold; -The Northern Lights have seen queer sights, - But the queerest they ever did see -Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge - I cremated Sam McGee. - -- Robert W. Service -% -There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life -is the process of discovering them over and over and over. - -- David Nichols -% -There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and -fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here -and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for -wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up -your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence. - -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII -% -There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics. - -- Benjamin Disraeli -% -There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix. -% -There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away -from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone -loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor. -% -There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be -offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin -a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount -of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of -affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. -When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. -Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. - -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior -% -There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and -engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far -the more certain. - -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800 -% -There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need -the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the -world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the -long winter evenings. - -- Quentin Crisp -% -There are three rules for writing a novel. -Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. - -- W. Somerset Maugham -% -There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the -changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts. -Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's -science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled -by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering. -% -There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I -can't remember. - -- Italo Svevo -% -There are three things I have always loved -and never understood -- art, music, and women. -% -There are three things men can do with women: -love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature. - -- Stephen Stills -% -There are three ways to get something done: - 1: Do it yourself. - 2: Hire someone to do it for you. - 3: Forbid your kids to do it. -% -There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is -one of them. -% -There are twenty-five people left in the world, -and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers. - -- Ed Sanders -% -There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play -together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is -struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in -the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the -room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?" - "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice. - Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are -you?" - "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now." - "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?" - "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day. -I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time! -Man it is smokin'!" - "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more, -tell me more!" - "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news -and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean -I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here." - "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..." -% -There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." -And one says, "This is new, and therefore better." - -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider" -% -There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead. - -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar -% -There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect -the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the -sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too. - -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" -% -There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. -We don't believe this to be a coincidence. - -- Jeremy S. Anderson -% -There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel -like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't. -% -There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. -% -There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before -marriage and after marriage. -% -There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to -make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the -other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious -deficiencies. - -- C. A. R. Hoare -% -There are two ways of disliking art. -One is to dislike it. -The other is to like it rationally. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -There are two ways of disliking poetry; -one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -There are two ways to write error-free -programs; only the third one works. -% -There are very few personal problems that cannot be -solved through a suitable application of high explosives. -% -There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening -with an insurance salesman? - -- Woody Allen -% -There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men -of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling -rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and -together we'll face the world. - -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush" -% -There but for the grace of God, goes God. - -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps -% -There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship. - -- Ralph Nader -% -There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule. - -- R. W. Gerard -% -There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. - -- Henry Kissinger -% -There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he -has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation. - -- W. C. Fields -% -There comes a time to stop being angry. - -- A Small Circle of Friends -% -There exist tasks which cannot be done -by more than 10 men or fewer than 100. - -- Steele's Law -% -There goes the good time that was had by all. - -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet -% -There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names. -For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read -permissions for everyone, you could say - - #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444) - - I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it -hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away -from its uses. - To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that -is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of -the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is -being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro -name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology --- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded -recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it -was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.) - -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review -% -There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange. - -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929 -% -There has been an alarming increase in the -number of things you know nothing about. -% -There is a 20% chance of tomorrow. -% -There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there -is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a -vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food -stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library. - -Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small - elevator with one other person from each floor? -A: The elevator would be full. -% -There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery -is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If -you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else. - -- Robert Louis Stevenson, "Immortelles" -% -There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an -opinion. - -- Anatole France -% -There is a fly on your nose. -% -There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital -and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting -each other's throat. - -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun" -% -There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: -that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. -% -There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. -% -There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends -his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick. - -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" -% -There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs -tied during the month of April. -% -There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish. - -- Walt Disney -% -There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of -wooden toilet seats. - -It's called the Birch John Society. -% -There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty, -Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the -Fatherland. - -- Adolf Hitler -% -There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly -what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly -disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and -inexplicable. - -There is another theory which states that this has already happened. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" -% -There is a time in the tides of men, -Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success. -On the other hand, don't count on it. - -- T. K. Lawson -% -There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it -is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast. - -- Helen Rowland -% -There is always more hell that needs raising. - -- Lauren Leveut -% -There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling -somebody out. - -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem" -% -There is always someone worse off than yourself. -% -There is always something new out of Africa. - -- Gaius Plinius Secundus -% -There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it -has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty. -"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend." - -- Mark Twain -% -There is brutality and there is honesty. -There is no such thing as brutal honesty. -% -There is Good Information and there is Bad Information and the -Internet is generally pretty neutral about the difference. If you're -a computer, it's all just 0s and 1s. - -- Joel Achenbach -% -There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, -having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that, -whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of -gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and -most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved. - -- Darwin -% -There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can -not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper. -% -There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum. - -- Arthur C. Clarke -% -There is in certain living souls -A quality of loneliness unspeakable, -So great it must be shared -As company is shared by lesser beings. -Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this -That in immensity -There is one lonelier than you. -% -There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon, -however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable. -Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be -discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator -on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is -even highly probable. - -- H. L. Mencken, 1930 -% -There *_i_s* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday. -% -There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die, -and we will conquer. Follow me. - -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA) -% -There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a -man who eats Grapenuts on principle. - -- G. K. Chesterton -% -There is more to life than increasing its speed. - -- Mohandas K. Gandhi -% -There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you. - -- Darth Vader -% -There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is -always enough time to do it over. -% -There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over. -% -There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party -is not capable; for in politics there is no honour. - -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey" -% -There is no bad taste. There is only good taste, and that is bad. - -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) -% -There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. -No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth. - -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates" -% -There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing -the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries -civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements. -We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward -striving of the human race. - -- Alfred North Whitehead -% -There is no comfort without pain; thus -we define salvation through suffering. - -- Cato -% -There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval. - -- George Santayana -% -There is no delight the equal of dread. -As long as it is somebody else's. - -- Clive Barker -% -There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game. -% -There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. - -- Mark Twain -% -There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he -filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary -as "unearned income." - -- Michael Lara -% -There is no education that is not political. An apolitical -education is also political because it is purposely isolating. -% -There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income -parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a -child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to -picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one -Master of the Universe Battlecruiser! - -- Filthy Rich and Catflap -% -There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear. -% -There is no fool to the old fool. - -- John Heywood -% -There is no future in time travel. -% -There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften. -% -There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted -armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. - -- Ernest Hemingway -% -There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom. - -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923 -% -There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years -the dirt doesn't get any worse. - -- Quentin Crisp -% -There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox. - -- George Francis Gillette -% -There is no point in waiting. -The train stopped running years ago. -All the schedules, the brochures, -The bright-colored posters full of lies, -Promise rides to a distant country -That no longer exists. -% -There is no proverb that is not true. - -- Cervantes -% -There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the -tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not -abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and -war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, -of course. - -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. -% -There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. - -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation), - Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977 -% -There is no royal road to geometry. - -- Euclid -% -There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. -% -There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity. - -- General Douglas MacArthur -% -There is no sin but ignorance. - -- Christopher Marlowe -% -There is no sincerer love than the love of food. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -There is no statute of limitations on stupidity. -% -There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes. -% -There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer. -% -There is no such thing as a free lunch. -% -There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. -% -There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only -the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive. - -- Christian Dior -% -There is no such thing as fortune. Try again. -% -There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. -Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour. - -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" -% -There is no such thing as pure pleasure; -some anxiety always goes with it. -% -There is no time like the pleasant. -% -There is no time like the present -for postponing what you ought to be doing. -% -There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY. -There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong. -% -There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and -family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too, -the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is -live as cheap as the people. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% -There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives -us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves. - -- Augier -% -There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it. - -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares" -% -There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result. - -- Winston Churchill -% -There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. - -- Gaius Valerius Catullus -% -There is nothing new except what has been forgotten. - -- Marie Antoinette -% -There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult -when you do it reluctantly. - -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) -% -There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who -comes to visit. -% -There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said -a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. - "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with -an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin. - "I could have answered it if I had been there." - "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in -the middle of the night?'" -% -There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation. -% -There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the -ocean level wouldn't cure. - -- Ross MacDonald -% -There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it -is done in private and you wash your hands afterward. -% -There is one difference between a tax collector and -a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide. - -- Mortimer Caplan -% -There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says -"Yes" you know he is crooked. - -- Groucho Marx -% -There is only one thing in the world worse than being -talked about, and that is not being talked about. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none. - -- Paul Bourget -% -There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk. - -- Robert A. Heinlein -% -There is only one way to kill capitalism -- -by taxes, taxes, and more taxes. - -- Karl Marx -% -There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings, -and that word is blackmail. - -- Colm Brogan -% -There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which -it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated. - -- James Boswell -% -There is plenty of time before progress goes too far. - -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) -% -There is something in the pang of change -More than the heart can bear, -Unhappiness remembering happiness. - -- Euripides -% -There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong. -% -There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us! -% -There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who -constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those -who do not. - -- Robert Benchley -% -There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United -States; of course, I never heard the story before. -% -There must be more to life than having everything. - -- Maurice Sendak -% -There never was a good war or a bad peace. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The -king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished -in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said -to the prince: - "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even -half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend, -what would your decision be, my son?" - The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell -her that she was my best friend, and then cut off her head." - The king knew that his son would be a great king. -% -There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The -king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished -in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said -to the prince: - "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even -half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend, -what would your decision be, my son?" - The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell -her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom -that I had promised." - The king knew that his son would be a great king. -% -There seems no plan because it is all plan. - -- C. S. Lewis -% -There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it. - -- C. S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia" -% -There was a little girl -Who had a little curl -Right in the middle of her forehead. -When she was good, she was very, very good -And when she was bad, she was very, very popular. - -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book" -% -There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up -with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he -was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive -over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot -to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack, -and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be -able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go -around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave -him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared -to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to -hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in -the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband -cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing -her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same -course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he -sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able -to hit through, if he was to open both doors. - "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7". -% -There was a phone call for you. -% -There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were -left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. -Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so -they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed -out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world, -the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck -with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look! -We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is -to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes. -% -There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have -no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled -every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become -insupportable. - -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. -% -There was a young man from LeDoux, -Whose limericks stopped at line two. - -There was a young man from Verdunne. - - [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one - is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please - mail it to "fortune". Ed.] -% -There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: -both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to -talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him -during the trial. - -- David Letterman -% -There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of -their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity -of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian -couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were -blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together -on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy -baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus, -were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion -of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that: -The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of -the squaws of the other two hides. -% -There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which, -in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term -that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the -practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed -to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if -necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left -(and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before). - -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine" -% -There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be a Texan. -Fortunately, he had a Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike, -you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what -should I do?" - "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look -like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing -you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl." - "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker. - A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed -in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there, -pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits," -he tells the counterman. - The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says, -"You must be from New York." - The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did -you know?" - "Because this is a hardware store." -% -There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of -the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- -digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the -8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the -transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity -stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative -feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching -systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the -first electrical digital computer, and the first communications -satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the -telephone business? -% -There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when -the boss asks for a lift home from the office. -% -There will be big changes for you but you will be happy. -% -There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it. - -- Lily Tomlin -% -Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use -this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause. - -- Machiavelli -% -There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose, -ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are -pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could -hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at -least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey, -Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the -pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored. - -- Shirley Povich, 1941 -% -There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not -a fence. -% -There's a lesson that I need to remember -When everything is falling apart -In life, just like in loving -There's such a thing as trying to hard - -You've gotta sing -Like you don't need the money -Love like you'll never get hurt -You've gotta dance -Like nobody's watching -It's gotta come from the heart -If you want it to work. - -- Kathy Mattea -% -There's a long-standing bug relating to the x86 architecture that -allows you to install Windows. - -- Matthew D. Fuller -% -There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot. -% -There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left -and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a -little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help. -A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody -there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won. -The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and -it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice -said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went -on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all -his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice -spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to -quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12, -and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!" -% -There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast -The corporation that we represent. -We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast, -Of that man of men our sterling president -The name of T. J. Watson means -A courage none can stem -And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM. - -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook -% -There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to -recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to -let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity -or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future, -a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on, -rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of -living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding -action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the -best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office. -We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth -are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves -along -- quite gracefully. - -- Ellen Goodman -% -There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle! - -- Doug Clifford -% -There's always free cheese in a mousetrap. -% -There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. -% -There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I really -don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do anything -to me. - -- John Wayne -% -There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go. -% -There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state. -% -There's little in taking or giving, - There's little in water or wine: -This living, this living, this living, - Was never a project of mine. -Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is - The gain of the one at the top, -For art is a form of catharsis, - And love is a permanent flop, -And work is the province of cattle, - And rest's for a clam in a shell, -So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- - Would you kindly direct me to hell? - -- Dorothy Parker -% -There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our -whole lives, win, lose, or draw. - -- Walt Kelly -% -There's no justice in this world. - -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano - by New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after - Luciano had saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch - Schultz (by ordering the assassination of Schultz - instead) -% -There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. - -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" -% -There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get -any worse. -% -There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. - -- Raoul Duke -% -There's no saint like a reformed sinner. -% -There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know -what you're talking about. - -- John von Neumann -% -There's no such thing as a free lunch. - -- Milton Friendman -% -There's no such thing as an original sin. - -- Elvis Costello -% -There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government -working for you. - -- Will Rogers -% -There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking. -% -There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead -armadillos. - -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner -% -There's nothing like a girl with a plunging -neckline to keep a man on his toes. -% -There's nothing like a good dose of another woman to make a man -appreciate his wife. - -- Clare Booth Luce -% -There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl. -% -There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar. -% -There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right -keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself. - -- J. S. Bach -% -There's nothing so precious as a cafe full of Gap kiddies trying to -work out whether you're really wearing rubber pants. - -- Mike Smith -% -There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter -and open a vein. - -- Red Smith -% -There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that -nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination. -% -There's nothing worse for your business than -extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room. - -- W. Bossert -% -There's nothing wrong with teenagers that -reasoning with them won't aggravate. -% -There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can -always see somebody who did worse. - -- Warren H. Goldsmith -% -There's one fool at least in every married couple. -% -There's only one everything. -% -There's only one way to have a happy marriage -and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. - -- Clint Eastwood -% -There's small choice in rotten apples. - -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" -% -There's so much plastic in this culture that -vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic. - -- Lily Tomlin -% -There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. -% -There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe, -Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny. - -- G. Gordon Liddy -% -There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists. -If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong. -% -There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil. - -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" -% -There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear. - -- Richard Le Gallienne -% -These activities have their own rules and methods -of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure. - -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960 -% -"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" -"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" -"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP -out of MEGATON MAN!" -% -These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what -they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. -% -They also serve who only stand and wait. - -- John Milton -% -They also surf who only stand on waves. -% -They are called computers simply because computation is -the only significant job that has so far been given to them. -% -They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting -what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of -life. Let's face it: That's the American way. - -- Jeffrey M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District - of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers. -% -They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, -when they can see nothing but sea. - -- Francis Bacon -% -They are relatively good but absolutely terrible. - -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos -% -They call them "squares" because it's the -most complicated shape they can deal with. -% -They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God! - -- The Blues Brothers -% -They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist... - -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last words, - Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864 -% -They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and -try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the -man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They -only want to count to two. - -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance" -% -They don't suffer. They can't even speak English. - -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's - question about the suffering of starving miners. -% -They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association. -% -They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps. - -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" -% -They have their datasheets translated from Korean into English by -Russians with Greek->German dictionaries - -- Philip Paeps, on modern hardware documentation -% -They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed. -% -They make a desert and call it peace. - -- Tacitus (55?-120?) -% -They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government -- -especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that, -but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far. - -- Richard M. Nixon -% -They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when -not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to -learn this particular lesson. - -- Richard Stallman -% -They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the -system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First -we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin. - -I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on -my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan, -then we take Berlin. - -I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit -and your clothes. But you see that line there moving through the station? -I told you I told you I told you I was one of those. - -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan" -% -They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners -always spell better than they pronounce. - -- Mark Twain -% -They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary -safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. - -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759 -% -They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them! -% -They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results -About a month before. Their hair began to curl -The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it -But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. - -He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this -To pass where they had failed For it must ever be -And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest -The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. - -My notion was to start again -Ignoring all they'd done -We quickly turned it into code -To see if it would run. -% -They took some of the Van Goghs, most -of the jewels, and all of the Chivas! -% -They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat - -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard -% -They use different words for things in America. -For instance they say elevator and we say lift. -They say drapes and we say curtains. -They say president and we say brain damaged git. - -- Alexie Sayle -% -They went rushing down that freeway, -Messed around and got lost. -They didn't care... they were just dying to get off, -And it was life in the fast lane. - -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane" -% -They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly. - -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads -% -They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius, -The man said "We got all that we can use", -So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin', -Working-at-the-car-wash blues. - -- Jim Croce -% -They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me -back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out -of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid -for freedom. - -- Stig's Inferno -% -They're basically very smelly houseplants until they get to the crawling -age. You're constantly terrified that they're going to randomly die on -you, but the rules for preventing that outcome are straightforward and -hard to forget. - -- Thomas Ptacek, giving advice to a new father -% -They're giving bank robbing a bad name. - -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde -% -They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! -% -They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult -to like. - -- Avon -% -Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become -their property that they may more perfectly respect it. - -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday" -% -Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. - -- Dwight D. Eisenhower -% -Things are more like they used to be than they are now. -% -Things are not always what they seem. - -- Phaedrus -% -Things Charles Darwin did not say: - -Finches, eh? Seen one, seem 'em all. -% -Things Charles Darwin did not say: - -Nah, it's only a theory - I don't think it should be taught in schools. -% -Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold. -% -Things past redress and now with me past care. - -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" -% -Things will be bright in P.M. -A cop will shine a light in your face. -% -Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them. - -- Will Rogers -% -Things worth having are worth cheating for. -% -Think big. -Pollute the Mississippi. -% -Think honk if you're a telepath. -% -Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish. - -- Darrell Royal -% -Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! -% -Think of your family tonight. -Try to crawl home after the computer crashes. -% -Think sideways! - -- Ed De Bono -% -Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". -% -Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself. - -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune" -% -Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time? -It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine -Have made my days and nights imperishable, -Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore, -Innumerable atoms; and one desert, -Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break, -But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks, -Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness. -% -Thirteen at a table is unlucky only -when the hostess has only twelve chops. - -- Groucho Marx -% -Thirty days hath Septober, -April, June, and no wonder. -all the rest have peanut butter -except my father who wears red suspenders. -% -Thirty white horses on a red hill, -First they champ, -Then they stamp, -Then they stand still. - -- Tolkien -% -This ae nighte, this ae nighte, -Everye nighte and alle, -Fire and sleet and candlelyte, -And Christe receive thy saule. - -- The Lykewake Dirge -% -This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can -speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled; -batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented, -deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts, -Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless, -spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef, -beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled, -pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish; -half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have -a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon, -individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be -limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective? -% -This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel. -(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?) - -- Found on a door in the MSU music building -% -This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd. -% -This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and -intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to which they -are addressed. If you are not the intended recipient of this -transmission, please delete it immediately. - -Obviously, I am the idiot who sent it to you by mistake. Furthermore, -there is no way I can force you to delete it. Worse, by the time you -have reached this disclaimer you have already read the document. -Telling you to forget it would seem absurd. In any event, I have no -legal right to force you to take any action upon this email anyway. - -This entire disclaimer is just a waste of everyone's time and -bandwidth. Therefore, let us just forget the whole thing and enjoy a -cold beer instead. - -- found on the dovecot mailinglist -% -This file will self-destruct in five minutes. -% -This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14 -% -This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate -need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates -random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come -up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at -all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been. -% -This fortune intentionally not included. -% -This fortune intentionally says nothing. -% -This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose -invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible. -% -This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready! -% -This fortune is false. -% -This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. -% -This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory. -% -This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard. -% -This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter. -% -This generation doesn't have emotional baggage. -We have emotional moving vans. - -- Bruce Feirstein -% -This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your -bags! I just won the California lottery!" - "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" - "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out -of the house by dinner!" -% -This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, -regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys... -% -This is a good time to punt work. -% -This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT -DOG. - -- Bob Violence -% -This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an -actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you? -% -This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. -Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here. -% -This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, -because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under -which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has -"deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the -consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any -rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for -oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill -Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers -over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These -innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been -passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with -amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do -apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, -and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out. - -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations" -% -This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement. -% -This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my -Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage -and mushroom. Jim, come and get me! -% -This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, -and not enough hunchbacks. -% -This is for all ill-treated fellows - Unborn and unbegot, -For them to read when they're in trouble - And I am not. - -- A. E. Housman -% -This is Jim Rockford. -At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you. -% -This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back -to one. - -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351 -% -This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and -his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe. -Sorry, Jim, bring it on over. -% -This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine? -I don't talk to machines! [Click] -% -This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. -% -This is NOT a repeat. -% -This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The -spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men -who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly. - -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938 -% -THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM - -If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your -contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue -without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are -contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We -can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money -for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the -difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight -and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to -"fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before -you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. -Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute -30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The -Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or -more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ... -% -This is supposed to be a happy occasion. -Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who! -% -This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok, -meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars -and come alone. I'm serious! -% -This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, -which is a little ironic since we may not have one. - -- Arthur C. Clarke -% -This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the -power of computers: - -Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the -thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum -level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that -one should eat each day: - - 1/2 chicken - 1 egg - 1 glass of skim milk - 27 heads of lettuce. - -- Rev. Adrian Melott -% -This is the _L_A_S_T time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury! -% -This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. - -- Winston Churchill -% -This is the story of the bee -Whose sex is very hard to see - -You cannot tell the he from the she -But she can tell, and so can he - -The little bee is never still -She has no time to take the pill - -And that is why, in times like these -There are so many sons of bees. -% -This is the theory that Jack built. -This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built. -This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in... -% -This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. -And now you know why. -% -This is the way the world ends, -This is the way the world ends, -This is the way the world ends, -Not with a bang but with a whimper. - -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men" -% -This is your fortune. -% -This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. - -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper -% -This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's -constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's -been called by others the fiddle factor..." - -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture -% -This land is full of trousers! -this land is full of mausers! - And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down! - -- The Firesign Theatre -% -This land is made of mountains, -This land is made of mud, -This land has lots of everything, -For me and Elmer Fudd. - -This land has lots of trousers, -This land has lots of mousers, -And pussycats to eat them -When the sun goes down. -% -This land is my land, and only my land, -I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one, -If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off, -This land is private property. - -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie -% -This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an -actual life, you would have received further instructions as -to what to do and where to go. -% -This life is yours. Some of it was given -to you; the rest, you made yourself. -% -This login session: $13.99 -% -This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88 -% -This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings. -% -This night methinks is but the daylight sick. - -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" -% -This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with -great force. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers -are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people -who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets -don't actually hurt. - One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a -Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his -hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're -man enough to take me on?" - The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the -Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two -tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of -a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the -Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers, -"Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?" - The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men) -charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill. -After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine -crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man, -"What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath, -replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!" -% -This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've -got to find a way off this planet. -% -This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of -the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many -solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were -largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, -which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of -paper that were unhappy. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does -something child-like. - -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington -% -This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real -persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some -assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during -shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If -condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. -Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct, -indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error -or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial -penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your canceled -check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families -are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time -offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area. -Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does -not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call -toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product -appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do -not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be -paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many -suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction -strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror -are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes -all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied. -% -This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland -student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87. - - One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use - Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one - computer language to another and has a built-in editing system - which identifies errors in the original program. -% -This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his -mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry -often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and -adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply. - -- Lazarus Long -% -This screen intentionally left blank. -% -This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't. - -- Douglas Hofstadter -% -This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have. -% -This sentence no verb. -% -This system will self-destruct in five minutes. -% -This thing all things devours: -Birds, beasts, trees, flowers; -Gnaws iron, bites steel; -Grinds hard stones to meal; -Slays king, ruins town, -And beats high mountain down. -% -This unit... must... survive. -% -This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the -contents may have occurred during shipment. -% -This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard -dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft, -pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it. - -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination" -% -This was the most unkindest cut of all. - -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" -% -This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. -This was terrible with raisins in it. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down! -% -This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it. -% -This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he. -The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup -could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!" - The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car -wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged -pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow -and was lying about twenty feet away. - There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by -"Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!" -% -Those lovable Brits department: - They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'. -% -Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those -of us who do. -% -Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do. -% -Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised) -are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse -at are called software. - -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological - Literacy for the 1990's. -% -Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have -learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee. - -- W. S. Krabill -% -Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of -Silly Putty. - -- Dennis Rawlins -% -Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate. -% -Those who can, do; those who can't, write. -Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record. -% -Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities. - -- Voltaire -% -Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. - -- George Santayana -% -Those who can't write, write manuals. -% -Those who claim the dead never return -to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time. -% -Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics. - -- French Proverb -% -Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. - -- Henry Spencer -% -Those who do things in a noble spirit of -self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs. - -- N. Alexander -% -Those who educate children well are more to be honored than -parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well. - -- Aristotle -% -Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often -surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law. - -- Mark B. Cohen -% -Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty -Often have a share in their misfortunes. - -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle" -% -Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the -world is love. The poor know that it is money. - -- Gerald Brenan -% -Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. -% -Those who make peaceful revolution impossible -will make violent revolution inevitable. - -- John F. Kennedy -% -Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are -men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean -without the roar of its many waters. - -- Frederick Douglass -% -Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels -Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels. -While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise -PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze -Vulgar tongue. A rhapsody sung. - -Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde -Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord -Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled -Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled -The highest rung. In his bung. - -Because in life they prayed so ill -And offered god such swinish swill -Now they sweat in flames of hell -Sweat from lack of APL -Sweat dung! -% -Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know. -% -Thou hast seen nothing yet. - -- Miguel de Cervantes -% -Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to -be maintained. - -- The Tao of Programming -% -Though I respect that a lot -I'd be fired if that were my job -After killing Jason off and -Countless screaming argonauts - -Bluebird of friendliness -Like guardian angels it's -Always near - -Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch -Who watches over you -Make a little birdhouse in your soul -Not to put too fine a point on it -Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet -Make a little birdhouse in your soul - - -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants -% -Thrashing is just virtual crashing. -% -Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are -the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with -Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- -whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A -fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any -more about the matter than the others. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write. - -- Trollope -% -Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan, -all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence: -"Old MacDonald had a . . ." - - "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan. - "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said. - "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the - service station," said the Missourian. - "Wrong." - "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan. - "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell `farm.'" - "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O." -% -Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought -is irksome and three minutes is a long time. - -- A. E. Housman -% -Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too -late or a little too early for anything you want to do. - -- Jean-Paul Sartre -% -Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky, -Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone, -Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die, -One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne -In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. -One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, -One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them -In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. - -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings" -% -Three rules for sounding like an expert: - 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness. - 2. Always point out second-order effects, - but never point out when they can be ignored. - 3. Come up with three rules of your own. -% -Throw away documentation and manuals, -and users will be a hundred times happier. -Throw away privileges and quotas, -and users will do the Right Thing. -Throw away proprietary and site licenses, -and there won't be any pirating. - -If these three aren't enough, -just stay at your home directory -and let all processes take their course. -% -Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know -what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true. - -- Bertrand Russell -% -Thus spake the master programmer: - "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program - is its own hell." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% -Thus spake the master programmer: - "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% -Thus spake the master programmer: - "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will - be productive." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% -Thus spake the master programmer: - "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to - be maintained." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% -Thus spake the master programmer: - "Time for you to leave." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% -Thus spake the master programmer: - "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% -Thus spake the master programmer: - "When you have learned to snatch the error code from - the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% -Thus spake the master programmer: - "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software, - hardware is useless." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% -Thus spake the master programmer: - "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you - can't make him computer literate." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% -Thyme's Law: - Everything goes wrong at once. -% -Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day -Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way -Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown -Waiting for someone or something to show you the way - -Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find -Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you -You are young and life is long No one told you when to run -And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun - -And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking -And racing around to come up behind you again -The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older -Shorter of breath and one day closer to death - -Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation - is the English way -Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over -Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say... -Or half a page of scribbled lines - -- Pink Floyd, "Time" -% -Tiddely Quiddely -Edward M. Kennedy -Quite unaccountably -Drove in a stream. - -Pleas of amnesia -Incomprehensible -Possibly shattered -Political dream. -% -Tiger got to hunt, -Bird got to fly; -Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?" - -Tiger got to sleep, -Bird got to land; -Man got to tell himself he understand. - -- The Books of Bokonon -% -Time and tide wait for no man. -% -Time as he grows old teaches all things. - -- Aeschylus -% -Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. -% -Time goes, you say? -Ah no! -Time stays, *we* go. - -- Austin Dobson -% -Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. - -- Hector Berlioz -% -Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space. -% -Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. - -- Henry David Thoreau -% -Time is nature's way of making sure that -everything doesn't happen at once. - -Space is nature's way of making sure that -everything doesn't happen to you. -% -Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend. - -- Theophrastus -% -Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer. -% -Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing. -% -Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo. -% -Time to take stock. -Go home with some office supplies. -% -Time washes clean -Love's wounds unseen. -That's what someone told me; -But I don't know what it means. - -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time" -% -Time will end all my troubles, -but I don't always approve of Time's methods. -% -Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business. - -- H. R. J. Grosch (attributed) -% -Timesharing, n.: - An access method whereby one computer abuses many people. -% -Timing must be perfect now. -Two-timing must be better than perfect. -% -Tip of the Day: - Never fry bacon in the nude. -% -Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control. - -- J. LeBoutillier -% -Tip the world over on its side and -everything loose will land in Los Angeles. - -- Frank Lloyd Wright -% -TIPS FOR PERFORMERS: - Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters. - There are a finite number of jokes in the universe. - Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than - they would ordinarily. - There is no music in space. - People will pay to watch people make sounds. - Everything on stage should be larger than in real life. -% -TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of -force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product", -the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available -to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants -recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr. -Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview... - "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has - never been easier." -Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use -it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector -components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the -work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTUs. Divide Dot-Product by the -magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how -much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!! -But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous -Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get -Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!! -Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again... -1-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not -available through stores and is void where prohibited by law. -% -Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die. -% -'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he -is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and -stopping at red lights are both optional. - -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" -% -To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go -above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan -to spend a few days there. - -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" -% -To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons -in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other. - -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" -% -To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are, -in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The -only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the -Swedes speak better English. - -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" -% -To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than -a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred -thousand. - -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" -% -To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. -To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither -oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete. - -- Epictetus -% -To add insult to injury. - -- Phaedrus -% -To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are -to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and -servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public." - -- Theodore Roosevelt -% -To any truly impartial person, it would -be obvious that I am always right. -% -To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. - -- Elbert Hubbard -% -To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift. - -- Shelley -% -To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who -should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing. - -- Thackeray -% -To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job -than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult. -% -To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North -Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it. - -- Confucius -% -To be great is to be misunderstood. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in -Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's -fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste. -It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country -in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar -weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can -be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is -a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States -and not be happy. - -- H. L. Mencken, "On Being An American" -% -To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. -% -To be is to be related. - -- C. J. Keyser -% -To be is to do. - -- I. Kant -To do is to be. - -- A. Sartre -Do be a Do Bee! - -- Miss Connie, Romper Room -Do be do be do! - -- F. Sinatra -Yabba-Dabba-Doo! - -- F. Flintstone -% -To be loved is very demoralizing. - -- Katharine Hepburn -% -To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to, -night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest -battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. - -- e. e. cummings, "A Miscellany" -% -To be or not to be. - -- Shakespeare -To do is to be. - -- Nietzsche -To be is to do. - -- Sartre -Do be do be do. - -- Sinatra -% -To be or not to be, that is the bottom line. -% -To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects -but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own. - -- Lionel Strachey -% -To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore -this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to -offer in response is based on information available to make no such -statement. -% -To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man. - -- Golda Meir -% -To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times -as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult. -% -To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first -and, whatever you hit, call it the target. -% -To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved. -% -To be who one is, is not to be someone else. -% -To be wise, the only thing you really need -to know is when to say "I don't know." -% -To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for -you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -To code the impossible code, This is my quest -- -To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code, -To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless, -To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load, - To write those routines -To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause, -To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV -To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause. -To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true - To this glorious quest, -And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm, -That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test. - destined to lose, -Still strove with his last allocation -To scrap the unscrappable kludge! - -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha -% -To communicate is the beginning of understanding. - -- AT&T -% -To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances -may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence. - -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661 -% -To craunch a marmoset. - -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke" -% -To create quality software, the ability to say no is usually far -more important than the ability to say yes. - -- Michi Henning -% -To criticize the incompetent is easy; -it is more difficult to criticize the competent. -% -To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life. - -- Senator Edmund Muskie -% -To do nothing is to be nothing. -% -To do two things at once is to do neither. - -- Publilius Syrus -% -To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally -convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection. - -- H. Poincare -% -To envision how a 4-processor system running [SunOS] 4.1.x works, think -of four kids and one bathroom. - -- John DiMarco -% -To err is human -- but it feels divine. - -- Mae West -% -To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so. -% -To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up. -% -To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. -% -To err is human, but when the eraser wears out -before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little. -% -To err is human; to admit it, a blunder. -% -To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System. -% -To err is human, to forgive, infrequent. -% -To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy. - -- MIT Assassination Club -% -To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -To err is human, two curs canine. -To err is human, to moo bovine. -% -To err is human. -To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human. -% -To err is human, -To purr feline. - -- Robert Byrne -% -To err is humor. -% -To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D. - -- B. Duggan -% -To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: -A time to be born, and a time to die; -A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted; -A time to kill, and a time to heal; -A time to break down, and a time to build up; -A time to weep, and a time to laugh; -A time to mourn, and a time to dance; -A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones; -A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; -A time to gain, and a time to lose; -A time to keep, and a time to throw away; -A time to tear, and a time to sew; -A time to keep silence, and a time to speak; -A time to love, and a time to hate; -A time of war, and a time of peace. - Ecclesiastes 3:1-9 -% -To fear love is to fear life, and those -who fear life are already three parts dead. - -- Bertrand Russell -% -To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two. - -- Norman Douglas -% -To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -To generalize is to be an idiot. - -- William Blake -% -To get back on your feet, miss two car payments. -% -To get something clean, one has to get something dirty. -To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean. -% -To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three -persons, two of them absent. -% -To give happiness is to deserve happiness. -% -To give of yourself, you must first know yourself. -% -To have died once is enough. - -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) -% -To hell with the Prime Directive; -Let's _K_I_L_L something! -% -To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. - -- Thomas Edison -% -To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. - -- Robert Heller -% -To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war. - -- Winston Churchill, on Korean War negotiations -% -To keep your friends treat them kindly; -to kill them, treat them often. -% -To know Edina is to reject it. - -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election" -% -To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools. -% -To lead people, you must follow behind. - -- Lao Tsu -% -To listen to some devout people, -one would imagine that God never laughs. - -- Sri Aurobindo -% -To love is good, love being difficult. -% -To make an enemy, do someone a favor. -% -To make tax forms true they should -read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You". -% -To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation. - -- St. Augustine -% -TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered -where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the -circus and a clown killed my dad. - -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) -% -To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura -bitters. Shake. - -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail -% -To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet. - -- 19th century toast -% -To refuse praise is to seek praise twice. -% -To restore a sense of reality, I think -Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland. - -- Jack Paar -% -To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda. -% -To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role, -but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor -micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious. - -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp -% -To say you got a vote of confidence -would be to say you needed a vote of confidence. - -- Andrew Young -% -To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse. -% -To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block, -and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was -agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy. -There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen; -it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of -tone, skillful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of -mind over matter; quite. - -- Charles Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit" -% -To see you is to sympathize. -% -To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts -the job will take the longest and cost the most. -% -To stand and be still, -At the Birkenhead drill, -Is a damned tough bullet to chew. - -- Rudyard Kipling -% -To stay young requires unceasing cultivation -of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods. - -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" -% -To stay youthful, stay useful. -% -To teach is to learn. -% -To teach is to learn twice. - -- Joseph Joubert -% -To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall. -% -To the landlord belongs the doorknobs. -% -To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide -a test load. -% -To Theodore Roosevelt: - You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest. -The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but -you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion, -must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours. - Mulay Hamid El Raisuli - Lord of the Riff - Sultan to the Berbers - Last of the Barbary Pirates -% -To thine own self be true. -(If not that, at least make some money.) -% -To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is -madness. - -- Eugene Ionesco -% -To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional -system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, -inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: -precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel, -uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, -well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures -of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very -secure ecological niche. - -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" -% -TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING: - - Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care -what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you -may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. - Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required -to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the -destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted -or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your -receiving said benefit. - I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between -yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving -as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may -in some way be influenced by this ceremony. - Amen. - -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness", 1969 -% -To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program. -% -To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what -he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do. -% -To understand this important story, you have to understand how the -telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local -computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is -in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the -lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan. - -Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it -suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the -computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the -one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe -break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid -incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse, -an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca -pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's -loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen -and drink gin and laugh themselves silly. - -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own - Phones?" -% -To use violence is to already be defeated. - -- Chinese proverb -% -To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it? -% -To whom the mornings are like nights, -What must the midnights be! - -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?) -% -To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly -strip down your words to naked, willing flesh. -Then bind them to a metaphor or three, -and take by force a satisfying mesh. -Arrange them to your will, each foot in place. -You are the master here, and they the slaves. -Now whip them to maintain a constant pace -and rhythm as they stand in even staves. -A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out! -What use are words that drive not to the heart? -A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt, -and choose more docile words to take its part. -A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain, -by making love directly to the brain. -% -To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition. - -- Woody Allen -% -Tobacco is a filthy weed, -That from the devil does proceed; -It drains your purse, it burns your clothes, -And makes a chimney of your nose. - -- B. Waterhouse -% -TODAY: - A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long. -% -Today is a good day for information-gathering. -Read someone else's mail file. -% -Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. -% -Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. -% -Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. -% -Today is the first day of the rest of your life. -% -Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. -% -Today is the last day of your life so far. -% -Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. -% -Today is what happened to yesterday. -% -Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word -except in major motion pictures. - -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" -% -Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a -cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a -boarder. -% -Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures. -% -Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? - -And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? - -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" -% -Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new -cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more -spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog! - -- Bob & Ray -% -Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why. - -- Hunter S. Thompson -% -Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy. -% -Toilet Toupee, n.: - Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus - creating endless annoyance to male users. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name. - -- Gore Vidal -% -Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past -but fortunately, it can still be changed today. -% -Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. -% -Tomorrow, you can be anywhere. -% -Tomorrow's computers some time next month. - -- DEC -% -Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch. -% -Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; -Don't forget to leave a tip. -% -Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. -% -Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life: - If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault. -% -Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy -driving cabs and cutting hair. - -- George Burns -% -TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin -real fast and freak everybody out. - -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) -% -Too clever is dumb. - -- Ogden Nash -% -Too cool to calypso, -Too tough to tango, -Too weird to watusi - -- The Only Ones -% -Too Late - A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by -the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in -the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after -the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby. - -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861 -% -Too many of his [Mozart's] works sound like interoffice memos. - -- Glenn Gould -% -Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. -They seem more afraid of life than death. - -- James F. Byrnes -% -Too much is just enough. - -- Mark Twain, on whiskey -% -Too much is not enough. -% -Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. - -- Mae West -% -Too much of everything is just enough. - -- Bob Wier -% -Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available -briefcases. - -- Governor Jerry Brown -% -Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for -anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations -in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software." - -- Instrument News - [Once is too often. Ed.] -% -Too ripped. Gotta go. -% -Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch. -% -Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer: - -10) Specifications are for the weak and timid! - 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand! - 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull! - 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. - Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality - assurance people in its wake. - 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM. - 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak. - 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code! - 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features - are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand. - 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the - original Klingon. - 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship - it and let them flee like the dogs they are! -% -Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the -earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century. -As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help. -Please... - - CONSERVE GRAVITY - -Follow these simple suggestions: - -(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible. -(2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights. -(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like - curling. -(4) Avoid showers ... take baths instead. -(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big - pile. -(6) Stop flipping pancakes -% -Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings: - -10: Sorry, but that's too useful. - 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent! - 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell - #pragma is for. - 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too - hard to write. - 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar. - 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here? - 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!" - 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker. - 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth. - 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on "noalias". -% -Topologists are just plane folks. - Pilots are just plane folks. - Carpenters are just plane folks. - Midwest farmers are just plain folks. - Musicians are just playin' folks. - Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks. -Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks. -% -Torque is cheap. -% -Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most. -% -TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day): - I'm the person your mother warned you about. -% -Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore. - -- Judy Garland as Dorothy Gale, "The Wizard of Oz" -% -Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you -get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking." - -- David Letterman -% -Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme -personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer. - -- A. Gide -% -Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. - -- David Letterman -% -TRANSACTION CANCELED - FARECARD RETURNED -% -TRANSFER: - A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town. -% -TRANSPARENT: - Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object. - "It's there, but you can't see it" - -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964 - -VIRTUAL: - Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object. - "I can see it, but it's not there." - -- Lady Macbeth -% -TRANSVESTITE: - Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad. -% -Trap full -- please empty. -% -TRAVEL: - Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere. -% -Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. -% -Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy. - -- Han Solo -% -Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. -"What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant. - "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has -to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or -by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms -for a short spell?" -% -Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy. - -- Publilius Syrus -% -Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last. - -- Charles DeGaulle -% -Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle. - -- Michelangelo -% -Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level. -% -Trouble always comes at the wrong time. -% -Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the -next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of -a brand new series of three. -% -Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live -in eucalyptus trees. -% -Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing. -% -True happiness will be found only in true love. -% -True leadership is the art of changing -a group from what it is to what it ought to be. - -- Virginia Allan -% -True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of -personal futility, and of the beauty of the world. - -- David Mamet -% -Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. - -- Henrik Tikkanen -% -Truly simple systems... require infinite testing. - -- Norman Augustine -% -Trust everybody, but cut the cards. - -- Finley Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy" -% -Trust in Allah, but tie your camel. - -- Arabian proverb -% -TRUST ME: - Get me, give me, buy me, do me. -% -TRUST ME: - Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor." -% -Trust your husband, adore your husband, -and get as much as you can in your own name. - -- Joan Rivers -% -Truth can wait; he's used to it. -% -Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always. - -- Albert Schweitzer -% -Truth is free, but information costs. -% -Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure. -% -Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense. -% -Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. - -- Mark Twain -% -Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy -of him that brought her birth. - -- Milton -% -Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) -% -Truthful, adj.: - Dumb and illiterate. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -try again -% -Try not to have a good time ... -This is supposed to be educational. - -- Charles Schulz -% -Try not. -Do. -Or do not. -There is no try. -% -Try `stty 0' -- it works much better. -% -Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today. -% -Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. -% -Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy. -% -Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is -it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written in four -tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for -novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), defined by the imperfect past, -the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future. - -- Amrom Katz -% -Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. -% -Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances. -% -Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. - -- Ashleigh Brilliant -% -Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you. -% -Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only -specification is that it should run noiselessly. -% -Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. - -- Alan Watts -% -Trying to establish voice contact ... please _y_e_l_l into keyboard. -% -Trying to get an education here is like -trying to take a drink from a fire hose. -% -T-shirt: - Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum! -% -Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week. -% -Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life. -% -Turn on, tune in, and take over. - -- Tim Leary -% -Turn the other cheek. - -- Jesus Christ -% -Turnaucka's Law: - The attention span of a computer is only as long as its - electrical cord. -% -Tussman's Law: - Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. -% -TV is chewing gum for the eyes. - -- Frank Lloyd Wright -% -'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, -and I never even had the decency to thank her. - -- R. B. Gossling -% -"Twas bergen and the eirie road -Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son! -All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails -And the red bank bayonne. that claw! - Beware the bound brook bird, and shun -He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw." -Long time the folsom foe he sought -Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood, -And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame, - Came whippany through the englewood, -One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came. - and through -The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong? -He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy! -He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!" - He caldwell in his joy. -Did mahwah into patterson: -All jersey were the ocean groves, -And the red bank bayonne. - -- Paul Kieffer -% -'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves -Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! -All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws -And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch! - Beware the Jubjub bird, -He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" -Long time the manxome foe he sought. -So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood -And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame - Came whuffling through the tulgey wood -One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came! - through -The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock? -He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy! -And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!" - He chortled in his joy. -'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves -Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. -All mimsy were the borogroves -And the mome raths outgrabe. - -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky" -% -'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers -Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son! -All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth -By market's wrath unphased. that falls! - Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun -He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!" -Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought - -Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood -And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed, - Came waffling with the truth too good, -Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed! - and through -The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock? -It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy! -He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!" - He bought him a Mercedes Toy. -'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers -Did gyre and tumble in the Crash -All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers -And mammon's wrath them bash! - -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky" -% -'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks -Did gyre and gimble in their cave -All mimsy was the CS-VAX -And Cory raths outgrabe. - -"Beware the software rot, my son! -The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! -Beware the broken pipe, and shun -The frumious system crash!" -% -'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans, -Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot, -So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way -To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot. - -The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door -Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by, -Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air, -On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye. - -She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale -Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see, -As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey -And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea. - -- Midnight On The Ocean -% -'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one -- -When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun. -Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh, -A satellite spotted him making his way. -The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire -Was ready for action, and started to fire! -The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky -Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July. -I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys -When out of my chimney there came a great noise. -I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see -St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me. -But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking: -A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking! -Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell; -Outside burning toys like confetti they fell. -So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone: -The Star Wars computer had got something wrong. -Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart; -'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start. -It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell, -If the crazy contraption would work very well. -So after a trillion or two had been spent -The system thought Santa a Red missile sent. -So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed, -There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead. -% -'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period - preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And - throughout our place of residence, -Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the - possessors of this potential, including that - species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. -Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward - edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, -Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an - imminent visitation from an eccentric - philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations - is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ... -% -Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing. - -- Walt Kelly -% -Twenty two thousand days. -Twenty two thousand days. -It's not a lot. -It's all you've got. -Twenty two thousand days. - -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days" -% -Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers -in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and -was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy -fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities. - Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported, -"Light, bearing on the starboard bow." - "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out. - Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous -collision course with that ship. - The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on -a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees." - Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees." - In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20 -degrees!" - "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change -course 20 degrees." - By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a -battleship, change course 20 degrees." - Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!" - We changed course. - -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings" -% -Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. - -- Howard Kandel -% -Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage. -% -Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The -penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn, -"Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The -owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks -up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating -away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to -the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to -the movies!" -% -Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his -barstool and lay motionless on the floor. - "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure -knows when to stop." -% -Two heads are better than one. - -- John Heywood -% -Two heads are more numerous than one. -% -Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was -performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by -British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General -Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in -her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided -a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon -entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention, -and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their -search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the -incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event -became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers. -% -Two is company, three is an orgy. -% -Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two. -% -Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a -canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can -call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the -end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!" - So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where -are we?" (They hear the echo several times). - Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! -You're lost!" - The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician." - Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?" - "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second, -he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless." -% -Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said, -"This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said, -"He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour -trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising -his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine -the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself -and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man -did it and must pay three silver pieces." -% -Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars. -% -Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things, -with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that -toast always falls on the buttered side," said one. - "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look -at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the -dry side. - "So, what have you to say for your theory now?" - "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side." -% -Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted. -% -Two percent of zero is almost nothing. -% -Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane. -% -Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By -the way, did you hear that Romanov died?" - "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!" -% -Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory. -I forget the second. -% -Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one -orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more -and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When -they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other, -toasts him, "Skoal!" - The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come -here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?" -% -Two wrongs are only the beginning. - -- Kohn -% -Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. - -- Thomas Szasz -% -Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. -% -Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain? -In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain? -What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp -Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp? - -Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears -The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears -On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see? -What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee? - -And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright -Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night, -And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye -What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? - -Could fetch it from the furnace deep -And in thy horrid ribs dare steep -In the well of sanguine woe? -In what clay & in what mould -Were thy eyes of fury roll'd? - -- William Blake, "The Tyger" -% -Type louder, please. -% -U: There's a U -- a Unicorn! - Run right up and rub its horn. - Look at all those points you're losing! - UMBER HULKS are so confusing. - -- The Roguelet's ABC -% -Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex. -(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.) - -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971) -% -Udall's Fourth Law: - Any change or reform you make - is going to have consequences you don't like. -% -UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. -% -Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then, -straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate: -Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity. - -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas" -% -Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer. -Sorry for the confusion. - -- Sun Microsystems -% -Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the -woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some -leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts -coughing and drops dead. - -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" -% -Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: - Never use your thumb for a rule. - You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it. -% -Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a -just man is also in prison. - -- Henry David Thoreau -% -Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some -ordinance under which you can be booked. - -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp. -% -Under deadline pressure for the next week. -If you want something, it can wait. -Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic... -% -Under every stone lurks a politician. - -- Aristophanes -% -Under the wide and heavy VAX -Dig my grave and let me relax -Long have I lived, and many my hacks -And I lay me down with a will. -These be the words that tell the way: -"Here he lies who piped 64K, -Brought down the machine for nearly a day, -And Rogue playing to an awful standstill." -% -Under the wide and starry sky, -Dig my grave and let me lie, -Glad did I live and gladly die, -And laid me down with a will, -And this be the verse that you grave for me, -Here he lies where he longed to be, -Home is the sailor home from the sea, -And the hunter home from the hill. - -- R. Kipling -% -Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: - Superiority is recessive. -% -Understand, v.: - To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which - you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the - basis of your own internal model instead. -% -Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem -in relation to a bigger problem. - -- P. D. Ouspensky -% -UNFAIR COMPETITION: - Selling cheaper than we do. -% -Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many -friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to -throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him, -slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound. - -- Jon Bentley -% -UNION: - A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management. -% -United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas -season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military -forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of -every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time -low over the world. - -- Isaac Asimov -% -Universe, n.: - The problem. -% -Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little -in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates. -% -University, n.: - Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's - usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell - you how to fix it, and... - - [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying - the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.] -% -University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small. - -- Henry Kissinger -% -UNIX enhancements aren't. -% -Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple -of more feet, just to be sure. - -- Eric Allman - -... We make rope. - -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystems' new virtual memory -% -Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix -hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week -- -but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. -People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the -world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers. - -- E. Post - "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83 -% -Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories. - -- Donn Seeley -% -UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver -lightning with a laserbeam kicker. - -- Michael Jay Tucker -% -UNIX is many things to many people, -but it's never been everything to anybody. -% -Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others. - -- Berry Kercheval -% -Unix, n.: - A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and - impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off - with the workstation harem. -% -unix soit qui mal y pense -% -UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on -Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch). - -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum -% -UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that -would also stop you from doing clever things. - -- Doug Gwyn -% -Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1... -% -Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime -between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white -and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40. - -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987 -% -Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues -of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself -a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst -be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth -time waste me. - -- William Shakespeare -% -Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense. - -- e. e. cummings -% -Unnamed Law: - If it happens, it must be possible. -% -Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, -unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book. - -- Edward Gibbon -% -Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now -pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world. - -- Richard Armour -% -UNTOLD WEALTH: - What you left out on April 15th. -% -Up against the net, redneck mother, -Mother who has raised your son so well; -He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh, -Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell... -% -Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir -% -Use a pun, go to jail. -% -Use an accordion. Go to jail. - -- KFOG, San Francisco -% -Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent -if no birds sang there except those that sang best. - -- Henry Van Dyke -% -USENET would be a better laboratory is there were -more labor and less oratory. - -- Elizabeth Haley -% -User hostile. -% -User, n.: - A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. -% -User, n.: - The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." - -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" - -[I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used - when they meant "idiot." Ed.] -% -Using encryption on the Internet is the equivalent of arranging -an armoured car to deliver credit card information from someone -living in a cardboard box to someone living on a park bench. - -- Gene Spafford, Purdue University -% -Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. - -- S. C. Johnson -% -Using [Windows] for any sort of serious work is like playing an old -text-based adventure game. You're five feet from making it to your -goal, when bup-POW! a ten ton rock falls on your head. Because you -didn't disarm the trap three hours before. [...] - -I always hated those adventure games. - -- David Gerard -% -Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef. - -- Tom Robbins -% -/usr/news/gotcha -% -Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war. - -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener" -% -Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, -opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none. - -- Doug Larson -% -VACATION: - A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that - it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday - life-style to recuperate. -% -Vail's Second Axiom: - The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the - amount of work already completed. -% -Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ... -Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ... - -- Tom Chapin -% -Van Roy's Law: - An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. -% -Van Roy's Law: - Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition. - -Van Roy's Truism: - Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control. -% -Vanilla, adj.: - Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food, -very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla -extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply -"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot -and sour won ton soup. -% -Variables don't; constants aren't. -% -Vax Vobiscum -% -Vegetables are what food eats. -Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good. -Fish are fast moving vegetables. -Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them. - -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams -% -Vegetarians beware! You are what you eat. -% -Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: - 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. - 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points. -% -Veni, Vidi, VISA: - I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. -% -Verba volant, scripta manent! -% -Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic. - -- E. F. Benson -% -Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The -reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of -thirty-five. - -- Joel Hildebrand -% -Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. -% -Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an -infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one -could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow -somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew -ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is -quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can -lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its -outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable -little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole -for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the -screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom, -is presumably working on it. -% -Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen -at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects. - -- Herodotus -% -Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars. -% -VI: - A hungry dog hunts best. - A hungrier dog hunts even better. -VII: - Decreased business base increases overhead. - So does increased business base. -VIII: - The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator - is fifth grade arithmetic. -IX: - Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent - possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D. -X: - Bulls do not win bull fights; people do. - People do not win people fights; lawyers do. - -- Norman Augustine -% -Victory uber allies! -% -Viking, n.: - 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers, - entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import - business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes. - 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning - in the 9th century. - -Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used -only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront -property. -% -Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life." -Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes - waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it." -% -Vini, vidi, vici. -[I came, I saw, I conquered]. - -- Gaius Julius Caesar -% -"Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked -violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method -ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the -issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges? -% -Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade. -% -Violence is molding. -% -Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. - -- Salvor Hardin -% -Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then -there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a -frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we -weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as -impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but -shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed. - -- Tom Robbins -% -VIRGINIA: - A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind - baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer. -% -Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the -yard. -% -VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is -sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes -fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers. -% -VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.22) - Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count - to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this - morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you - wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of - that old underwear you own. -% -"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. -% -Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice -- -only the willingness to make it when necessary. - -- Frederick Dunn -% -Virtue is its own punishment. - -- Denniston - -Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment. - -- Aneurin Bevan -% -Virtue is not left to stand alone. -He who practices it will have neighbors. - -- Confucius -% -Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company. - -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld -% -Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota. -% -Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells. -% -Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure. - -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres" -% -Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving -from where you left them to where you can't find them. -% -Vitamin C deficiency is apauling. -% -VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M. -% -VMS, n.: - The world's foremost multi-user adventure game. -% -VMS version 2.0 ==> -% -Voiceless it cries, -Wingless flutters, -Toothless bites, -Mouthless mutters. -What am I? -% -VOLCANO: - A mountain with hiccups. -% -Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim -And earthquakes only terrify the dolts, -And to him who's scientific -There is nothing that's terrific -In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts! - -- W. S. Gilbert, "The Mikado" -% -Volley Theory: - It is better to have lobbed and lost - than never to have lobbed at all. -% -Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann -supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on -the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked -how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful -information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von -Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.". -% -Vote anarchist. -% -Vote early and vote often. - -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform - campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won. -% -Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and -TAX-DEFERRED! -% -VUJA DE: - The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before. -% -Wagner's music is better than it sounds. - -- Mark Twain -% -Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time. - -- Pericles -% -Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" -1st customer: "I'll have tea." -2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" - (Waiter exits, returns) -Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" -% -Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call, -Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all. -Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin, -Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again. - -Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall. -Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all. -Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled. -Make our country well again, respected by the world. - -Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun. -Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done. -Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free, -Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me. - -- Pansy Myers Schroeder -% -Wake up and smell the coffee. - -- Ann Landers -% -Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered -a capital crime. For a first offense, that is. -% -Walk softly and carry a big stick. - -- Theodore Roosevelt -% -Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser. -% -Walking on water wasn't built in a day. - -- Jack Kerouac -% -Wall Street indices predicted nine out of the last five recessions - -- Paul A. Samuelson, Nobel laureate in economics - (Newsweek, Science and Stocks, 19 Sep. 1966.) -% -Walt: Dad, what's gradual school? -Garp: Gradual school? -Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching - gradual school. -Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually - find out that you don't want to go to school anymore. - -- The World According To Garp -% -Walters' Rule: - All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from - the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation - on a plane that left Gate 1. -% -Wanna buy a duck? -% -Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed, -A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed. -But then one day he was shootin' at some food, -When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is; - black gold; "Texas tea" ... - -Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire. -The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there!" -They said, "Californy is the place ya oughta be", -So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is; - swimmin' pools; movie stars. -% -War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left. -% -War hath no fury like a non-combatant. - -- Charles Edward Montague -% -War is an equal opportunity destroyer. -% -War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it. - -- Desiderius Erasmus -% -War is like love, it always finds a way. - -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage" -% -War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military. - -- Clemenceau -% -War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable. -% -War spares not the brave, but the cowardly. - -- Anacreon -% -WARNING: - Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your - mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth - of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome - of your favorite war. -% -WARNING! - This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need! -A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the -user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program -to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional -to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only -aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the -entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause -it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice -things to the terminal. -% -Warning: Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye. -% -Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for -those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking -up. - -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83 -% -Warning: Trespassers will be shot. -Survivors will be shot again. -% -WARNING!!! -This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need. - -A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the -operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the -machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional -to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence -only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine -may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool -and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work. - -See also: flog(1), tm(1) -% -Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with. -% -Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles -In children's circuses could stay their troubles? -There was a time they could cry over books, -But time has set its maggot on their track. -Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe. -What's never known is safest in this life. -Under the skysigns they who have no arms -Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost -Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best. - -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time" -% -Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality. -% -Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. - -- John F. Kennedy -% -[Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for -the people -- the big, the bland and the banal. - -- Ada Louise Huxtable -% -Washington, D.C: Wasting your money since 1810. -% -Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer -knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing? -% -Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. - -- Euripides -% -Waste not, get your budget cut next year. -% -Wasting time is an important part of living. -% -Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal. -% -Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home. - -- Han Solo -% -Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody. - -- Mark Twain -% -Watership Down: -You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew! -% -Watson's Law: - The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the - number and significance of any persons watching it. -% -WE: - The single most important word in the world. -% -We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on -when it's necessary to compromise. - -- Larry Wall -% -We all declare for liberty, but in using the -same word we do not all mean the same thing. - -- Abraham Lincoln -% -We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling. -% -We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny. -% -We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways. -% -We all live in a state of ambitious poverty. - -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis -% -We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon. - -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer -% -We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is -whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling -is that it is not crazy enough. - -- Niels Bohr -% -We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized -before we are fit to participate in society. - -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly - Correct Behaviour" -% -We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others. -% -We are all born mad. Some remain so. - -- Samuel Beckett -% -We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time. -% -We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness. - -- Albert Schweitzer -% -We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. - -- Winston Churchill -% -We are anthill men upon an anthill world. - -- Ray Bradbury -% -We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. - -- Whole Earth Catalog -% -We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. - -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" -% -We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge. - -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends" -% -We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his -own facts. - -- Patrick Moynihan -% -We are each only one drop in a great -ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle! -% -We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal. -% -We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese -dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies. - -- J. Hoover -% -We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to -socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad -thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism? - -- Fidel Castro -% -We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. - -- Dwight D. Eisenhower -% -We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant. -Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated. -% -We are not a clone. -% -We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one. - -- John Fisher -% -We are not alone. -% -We are not loved by our friends for what we are; -rather, we are loved in spite of what we are. - -- Victor Hugo -% -We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last -theorem. - -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 -% -We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to -develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers -Manual. - -- Andrew Hume -% -We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property. -% -We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same. - -- Jonathan Swift -% -We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check -the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance. - -This is a recording. -% -We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and -share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft -our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air, -leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine -the substance that cast them. -% -We are the people our parents warned us about. -% -We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified... -to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful... - -- GI in Vietnam, 1970 -% -We are unavoidably drawn towards conservatism and death. -The order is not insignificant. - -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) -% -We are what we are. -% -We are what we pretend to be. - -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. -% -We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. -% -We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it. - -- Yates -% -We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the -technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra -% -We cannot command nature except by obeying her. - -- Sir Francis Bacon -% -We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once. - -- Calvin Coolidge -% -We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is -deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead. - -- James E. Day, Postmaster General -% -We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure. - -- Richard M. Nixon -% -We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our -feet and go skating. - -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist -% -We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth, -take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send -forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search -into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and -beautiful Universe, Our home. - -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler -% -We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty! - -- Vroomfondel -% -We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack. - -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach -% -We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company. -% -We don't care how they do it in New York. -% -We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand. - -- James Watt, noted theologian -% -We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything. -% -We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish. -% -We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure -that it wasn't a fish. - -- Marshall McLuhan -% -We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out. - -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962 -% -We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control. - -- Pink Floyd -% -We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation -We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control -No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings -Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone? -Chorus: (Chorus) - Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call. - -We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation -We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes -No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging -Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone? -(Chorus) (Chorus) - -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd -% -We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers. -% -We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do. - -- Walter Summers -% -We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't -understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights! -% -We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy... -Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to -visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological -hammer. - -- Charles Darwin -% -We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids? - -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission -% -We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it. - -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld -% -We gotta get out of this place, -If it's the last thing we ever do. - -- The Animals -% -We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an -hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down -mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on -our grave singing Hallelujah ... - -- Monty Python -% -We have an equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated. -% -We have art that we do not die of the truth. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM! -% -We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new -levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly, -almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like -men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of -Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result -is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the -creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of -redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding. - -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981 -% -We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean. - -- Carl Sagan -% -We have met the enemy, and he is us. - -- Walt Kelly -% -We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent -than from the machinations of the wicked. -% -We have no scorched earth policy. -We have a policy of scorched Communists. - -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982 -% -We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from -our children. -% -We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have. - -- Margaret Mead -% -We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get -back to normal, and that they already have. -% -We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place. - -- John Berryman -% -We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out. -% -We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an -official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death -Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish -you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that -said "ELECTROCUTION". - -Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your -teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing -process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a -couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways -out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste -stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom -floor, which is how the police would find you. - -You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. - -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" -% -We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement... -% -We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog, -star of "The Muppet Show." [3] - -[3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we -were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of -character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol -after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an -acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the -letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while -looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed -that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs -should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our -source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky -instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for -publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission -to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission -was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the -temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book." - -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol" -% -We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary -to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know. -Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition -to crave knowledge. - -- George Will -% -We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support -of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support -the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we -know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in -which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or -about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as -his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our -hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on -pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly -by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose -feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay. - -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764 -% -We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves. - -- Eric Hoffer -% -We love our little Johnny -He's the best little boy in all the world -And we wouldn't trade him for anything -That's how much we love him. -No, we couldn't live without him -So that's why, since he died, -We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer. -He's so good, so well-behaved, -Even better than before; -Oh, such a wonderful kid he is. -Alice and me, we'll never be lonely, -Never miss our little Johnny, -He'll never grow up and leave us -That's why we love him like we do. - -- Mr. Mincemeat -% -"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call -free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens -show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do -our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself." - -- Cameron Hawley -% -We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue -than malnutrition. - -- Alex Comfort -% -We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely -intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people -think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be -best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with -the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand -and speak English. - -- Alan M. Turing -% -We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern -their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of -their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prophet, nor -Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say -nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among -themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a -proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition, -we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the -Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but -internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof -of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be -accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on -earth. - -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options" -% -We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever -popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take -under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light -of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays, -filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour. - -- Nolo News, summer 1989 -% -We may not return the affection of those who like us, -but we always respect their good judgment. -% -...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection -by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations. -I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized -brains -- and I am equally confident that our brains became large as -an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting -functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often -uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities -of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection. - -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" -% -We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn -of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it. - -- Saul Alinsky -% -We must die because we have known them. - -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C. -% -We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must -condemn once and for all the formula "chess for the sake of chess," like -the formula "art for art's sake." We must organize shock-brigades of -chess-players, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan -for chess. - -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice - (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress - of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's - "Stalin," published London, 1939 -% -...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not -we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up -in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of -the past. - -- Joseph Wood Krutch -% -We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of -the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front -is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace. - -- Walter Lippmann -% -We must remember the First Amendment which -protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking. - -- F. G. Withington -% -We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to -the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his -children smart. - -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report" -% -We only acknowledge small faults in order -to make it appear that we are free from great ones. - -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld -% -We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago -people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult. -For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had -to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare -fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with -primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how -ugly paneling is to begin with. - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" -% -We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the -originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has -forgotten its source. - -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play" -% -We prefer to speak evil of ourselves -rather than not speak of ourselves at all. -% -We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears. -% -We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, -content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest. - -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) -% -We read to say that we have read. -% -We really don't have any enemies. -It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us. -% -We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them. - -- Thucydides -% -We seem to have forgotten the simple truth that reason is never perfect. -Only non-sense attains perfection. - -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) -% -We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much. - -- Jean de la Bruyere -% -We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is -in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot -stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that -is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more. - -- Mark Twain -% -We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been -born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken -out and shot. - -- Strange de Jim -% -We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were -taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things -themselves. - -- John Locke -% -We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents. -Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate. - -- Dennis Miller -% -We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square. - -- S. I. Hayakawa -% -We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they -remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that -the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than -the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule, -states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals. -These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who -want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that -they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and -who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country. - -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner -% -We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible. -We've done so much, for so long, with so little, -that we are now qualified to do something with nothing. -% -We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities, -ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote -preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves -and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States -of America. -% -We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet -size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In -fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here -are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads: - -EUPHEMISM REALITY -------------------- ------------------------- -Excited about life's journey No concept of reality -Spiritually evolved Oversensitive -Moody Manic-depressive -Soulful Quiet manic-depressive -Poet Boring manic-depressive -Sultry/Sensual Easy -Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills -Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills -Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills -Very human Quasimodo's best friend -Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still -Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained -Flexible Desperate -Aging child Self-centered adult -Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it -Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television -% -We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet -size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In -fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here -are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads: - -EUPHEMISM REALITY -------------------- ------------------------- -Independent thinker Crazy -High spirited Crazy and hyperactive -Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible -Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious -Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple -Cuddly Overweight -Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love) -Big and beautiful Really Fat -Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud -Svelte/Slender Anorexic -Dynamic Pushy -Assertive Pushy with a mean streak -Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung -Demanding Will make your life a living hell -Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich -% -We totally deny the allegations, and -we're trying to identify the allegators. -% -We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem. -There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your -borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce. - -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard -% -[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things. - -- R. W. Hamming -% -We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here -depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick. - -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra" -% -We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh -[Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run -behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around, -but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The -next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come -a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder. -The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says -to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh." - -- Satchel Paige -% -We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we -were married for four and a half years. - -- Nick Faldo -% -We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died. -% -We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. -If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves. - -- Crazy Jimmy -% -We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was -also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a -French restaurant. [...] - I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk -white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her -boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the -bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad -rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished -there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...] - "Stop the car," the girl said. - There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the -woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an -arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget. - "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway -belle's for thee." - The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie. -Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey -onto my granola and faced a new day. - -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway - Competition -% -We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal -tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous -extinction. - -- S. J. Gould -% -We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve -one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. -% -we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, -we will cry over things we used to laugh & -our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle -creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & -in the end a summer with wild winds & -new friends will be. -% -We will not be responsible for damage to equipment, your ego, county wide -power outages, spontaneously generated mini (or larger) black holes, -planetary disruptions, or personal injury or worse that may result from the -use of this material. - -- taken from Samuel M. Goldwasser's - Sam's Strobe FAQ Notes on the Troubleshooting - and Repair of Electronic Flash Units and Strobe Lights -% -We wish you a Hare Krishna -We wish you a Hare Krishna -We wish you a Hare Krishna -And a Sun Myung Moon! - -- Maxwell Smart -% -WEAPON: - An index of the lack of development of a culture. -% -Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. - -- John Heywood -% -Wedding, n.: - A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one - undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become - supportable. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs. -% -Weed's Axiom: - Never ask two questions in a business letter. - The reply will discuss the one in which you are - least interested and say nothing about the other. -% -Weekend, where are you? -% -Weiler's Law: - Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it - himself. -% -Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get -rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that -was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer -question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?" - -Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion. - -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" -% -Weinberg's First Law: - Progress is only made on alternate Fridays. -% -Weinberg's Principle: - An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping - on to the grand fallacy. -% -Weinberg's Second Law: - If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, - then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. - -- Gerald Weinberg -% -Weiner's Law of Libraries: - There are no answers, only cross references. -% -Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. -He'll come in handy if you run out of food. - -- Dean McLaughlin -% -Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions? - -D G G O - -O Y A N - -A D B T - -K I S P -Enter words: -> -% -Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, -The women are pretty, and the children are above-average. - -- Garrison Keillor -% -Welcome to the Zoo! -% -Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the -use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for -demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking -sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming -can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on -the reader! For example, the sentence - - Jane went to the store to buy bread - -should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something -sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a -cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if -Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control -of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive -my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"! -Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are -standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!) -% -Welcome to Utah. -If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear! -% -Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized -that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that -all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but -James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive -women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took -*thousands* of words to say it. - Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic -Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father. -Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because -what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk -as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a -major world power. - I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise -the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right -out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me." - Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words: - -* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize - nature and will kill you. -* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy. - -- Dave Barry -% -We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday -night. Live, on the Death label. - -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise" -% -Well begun is half done. - -- Aristotle -% -"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is -no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five -hundred." - -- The Mahabharata -% -We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later. -% -Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep? -% -Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing. - -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information - Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph - Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be - at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles - per hour, December 7, 1941. -% -Well, fancy giving money to the Government! -Might as well have put it down the drain. -Fancy giving money to the Government! -Nobody will see the stuff again. -Well, they've no idea what money's for -- -Ten to one they'll start another war. -I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'! -Fancy giving money to the Government! - -- A. P. Herbert -% -We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter. -% -Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government, -to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way. - -- Laurie Anderson -% -Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a -lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a -governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the -reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top -contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men -will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the -most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and -appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday -morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit -interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a -guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through -the entire show without answering a single question ... - -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" -% -Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five, -The headline screamed that I was still alive, -I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night. -I dreamed I'd been in a border town, -In a little cantina that the boys had found, -I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds. -When along came a senorita, -She looked so good that I had to meet her, -I was ready to approach her with my English charm, -When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm, -And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo, -Grow some funk of your own. -We no like to with the gringo fight, -But there might be a death in Mexico tonite. -... -Take my advice, take the next flight, -And grow some funk, grow your funk at home. - -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own" -% -Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them -back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, -or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they -couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. - -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile -% -Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *_c_a_n* -you believe?! - -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward] -% -Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted. - -- James Thurber -% -Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal -rights. - -- Dwight D. Eisenhower -% -Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either. -% -We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it. -% -WE'LL LOOK INTO IT: - By the time the wheels make a full turn, we - assume you will have forgotten about it,too. -% -Well, my daddy left home when I was three, -And he didn't leave much for Ma and me, -Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze. -Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid, -But the meanest thing that he ever did, -Was before he left he went and named me Sue. -... -But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars, -I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars, -And kill the man that give me that awful name. -It was Gatlinburg in mid-July, -I'd just hit town and my throat was dry, -Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew, -At an old saloon on a street of mud, -Sitting at a table, dealing stud, -Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue. -... -Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad, -From a worn out picture that my Mother had, -And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye... - -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue" -% -Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, -And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; -I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, -I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. - -If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, -Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, -'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. -I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. - -On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, -But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. -Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, -I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. - -- Core Dumped Blues -% -Well, of course it worked. You made the ritual blood sacrifice. If you -bleed on a machine while working on it, it will work. Unless it -doesn't. In which case, you need someone else to bleed on it as well. - -- Wayne Pascoe -% -We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu! -% -Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling, -And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling, -But I take delight in the juice of the barley, -And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early. -% -Well thaaaaaaat's okay. -% -Well, the handwriting is on the floor. - -- Joe E. Lewis -% -We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, -we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. - -- Dave Barry -% -Well, we'll really have a party, -but we've gotta post a guard outside. - -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody" -% -"Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in -poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come -and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!" - -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange" -% -Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers, -And we're loved everywhere we go. -We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth, -At ten thousand dollars a show. -We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills, -But the thrill we've never known, -Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture, -On the cover of the Rolling Stone. - -I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie, -Who embroiders on my jeans. -I got my poor old gray-haired daddy, -Drivin' my limousine. -Now it's all designed, to blow our minds, -But our minds won't be really be blown; -Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture, -On the cover of the Rolling Stone. - -We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies, -Who'll do anything we say. -We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way. -We got all the friends that money can buy, -So we never have to be alone. -And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture, -On the cover of the Rolling Stone. - -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show - [They eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.] -% -Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some -higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you. -% -WELL-ADJUSTED: - The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games. -% -We -own -this land. - -I don't spend -any time -on this land. - -This -is a tiny -little piece - -of my -business -interests. - -It's like -a grain -of sand. - -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot, - recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992. - From SPY Magazine, November 1992 -% -We're all in this alone. - -- Lily Tomlin -% -We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which -people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products. -Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spiritual -and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run, -it's not going to do anything for you. - -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984 -% -We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from -the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging -you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right -in his bowl full of jelly. - -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" -% -We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable -things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend -and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students. - -- Waldo D. R. Dobbs -% -We're happy little Vegemites, - As bright as bright can be. -We all enjoy our Vegemite - For breakfast, lunch and tea. -% -Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the -formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite -shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide -a grin. - -- F. M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations" -% -We're Knights of the Round Table -We dance whene'er we're able -We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table -With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable -We dine well here in Camelot But many times -We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes - That are quite unsingable -In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot -Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot. -Between our quests -We sequin vests -And impersonate Clark Gable -It's a busy life in Camelot. -I have to push the pram a lot. - -- Monty Python -% -We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold. - -- D. W. Robertson -% -We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful -- -but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and -then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for? - -- Ensign Flandry -% -"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is -weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me -the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, -unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept -responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous -desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must -learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a -short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it." - -- Don Juan -% -We're only in it for the volume. - -- Black Sabbath -% -Were there no women, men might live like gods. - -- Thomas Dekker -% -Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8. -% -Westheimer's Discovery: - A couple of months in the laboratory can - frequently save a couple of hours in the library. -% -Wethern's Law: - Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. -% -We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center -of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, -but for some reason nobody's ever done it. - -- Andy Rooney -% -We've tried each spinning space mote -And reckoned its true worth: -Take us back again to the homes of men -On the cool, green hills of Earth. - -The arching sky is calling -Spacemen back to their trade. -All hands! Standby! Free falling! -And the lights below us fade. -Out ride the sons of Terra, -Far drives the thundering jet, -Up leaps the race of Earthmen, -Out, far, and onward yet-- - -We pray for one last landing -On the globe that gave us birth; -Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies -And the cool, green hills of Earth. - -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941 -% -Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay? -% -What!? Me worry? - -- A. E. Neuman -% -What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script -by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary -Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them! - -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses" -% -What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to -understand what a misfortune it is. - -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) -% -What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play. - -- WOP, "War Games" -% -What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean. - -- Christopher Fry -% -What an artist dies with me! - -- Nero -% -What an author likes to write most is his signature on the -back of a cheque. - -- Brendan Francis -% -What awful irony is this? -We are as gods, but know it not. -% -What causes the mysterious death of everyone? -% -What color is a chameleon on a mirror? -% -What did ya do with your burden and your cross? -Did you carry it yourself or did you cry? -You and I know that a burden and a cross, -Can only be carried on one man's back. - -- Louden Wainwright III -% -What did you bring that book I didn't want -to be read to out of about Down Under up for? -% -What did you do when the ship sank? -I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore. -% -What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person -is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes -that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is -the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to -live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in -others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others. -% -What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin. - -- Jerry Lester -% -What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? -Not enough sand. -% -What does education often do? -It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook. - -- Henry David Thoreau -% -What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? -% -What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to -win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? -In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded -that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the -simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a -base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second, -a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human -activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses -the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate -and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with -words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young -Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of -conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John -Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they, -and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward. - -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt -% -What does not destroy me, makes me stronger. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -What ever happened to happily ever after? -% -What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them? - -- Roger von Oech -% -What foods these morsels be! -% -What fools these morals be! -% -What fools these mortals be. - -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca -% -What garlic is to food, insanity is to art. -% -What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. -% -What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so -that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our -country. Nice try anyway, George. - -- Disk Jockey on KSFO/KYA -% -What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down -where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's. -% -What good is a ticket to the good life, -if you can't find the entrance? -% -What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature? - -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men" -% -What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow -in his footsteps? -% -What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry? - -- Ashleigh Brilliant -% -What happened last night can happen again. -% -What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations -involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will -be pretty bad. - -- Dave Barry -% -What happens to a dream deferred? -Does it dry up -Like a raisin in the sun? -Or fester like a sore -- -And then run? -Does it stink like rotten meat? -Or crust and sugar over -- -Like a syrupy sweet? - -Maybe it just sags -Like a heavy load. - -Or does it explode? - -- Langston Hughes -% -What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes. -% -What has roots as nobody sees, -Is taller than trees, -Up, up it goes, -And yet never grows? -% -What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower -stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed -barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character -from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of -while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our -dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up -powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the -bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any -one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact -lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where -you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah", -if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with -that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it; -they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to -flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. - -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" -% -What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be -broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality -is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct. - -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" -% -What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty- -sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up -with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always -came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at -parties. - -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" -% -What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. -% -What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? -In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. - -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" -% -What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? -Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? - -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" -% -What if there had been room at the inn? - -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity -% -What is a magician but a practicing theorist? - -- Obi-Wan Kenobi -% -What is actually happening, I am afraid, is that we all tell each -other and ourselves that software engineering techniques should be -improved considerably, because there is a crisis. But there are a few -boundary conditions which apparently have to be satisfied: - - 1. We may not change our thinking habits. - 2. We may not change our programming tools. - 3. We may not change our hardware. - 4. We may not change our tasks. - 5. We may not change the organizational set-up - in which the work has to be done. - -Now under these five immutable boundary conditions, we have to try to -improve matters. This is utterly ridiculous. - -Edsger W. Dijkstra, on receiving the ACM Turing Award in 1972 -% -What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things? - -- J. M. Barrie -% -What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making -them puke. - -- Steve Martin -% -What is food to one, is to others bitter poison. - -- Titus Lucretius Carus -% -What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the -will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of -weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue -but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of -our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance. -What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and -all the weak: Christianity. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's -enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking -out of him. - -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles" -% -What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires -an accomplice. - -- Charles Baudelaire -% -What is love but a second-hand emotion? - -- Tina Turner -% -What is mind? No matter. -What is matter? Never mind. - -- Thomas Hewitt Key (1799-1875) -% -What is now proved was once only imagin'd. - -- William Blake -% -What is research but a blind date with knowledge? - -- Will Harvey -% -What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank? - -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera" -% -What is status? - Status is when the President calls you for your opinion. - -Uh, no... - Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a - problem with him. - -Uh, that still ain't right... - STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President, - and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a - minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you." -% -What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer? -It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the -establishment of a Hilton on its peak. -% -"What is the Nature of God?" - - CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!= - 1 QT. SOUR CREAM - 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT - 1/2 CUT CHIVES. - STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS. - -"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..." - -- Bloom County -% -What is the sound of one hand clapping? -% -What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer -if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer. - -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth - from outside Sinanju named Remo. -% -What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed -of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that -is the first law of nature. - -- Voltaire -% -What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed -to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and -may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is -simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one, -big thumping lie that will then be believed. - -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of - British civilian morale, 1939 -% -What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, -which is the exact opposite. - -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928 -% -What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it. -% -What I've done, of course, is total garbage. - -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a -% -What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither -goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night? - -- Jack Kerouac -% -What luck for the rulers that men do not think. - -- Adolf Hitler -% -What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend -is that there's nothing to compare it with. -% -What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us -is that they think themselves cleverer than we are. -% -What makes you think graduate school -is supposed to be satisfying? - -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying" -% -What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility. -% -What no spouse of a writer can ever understand -is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window. -% -What nonsense people talk about happy marriages! -A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her. - -- Wilde -% -What on earth would a man do with himself -if something did not stand in his way? - -- H. G. Wells -% -What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true. - -- John Lilly -% -What one fool can do, another can. - -- Ancient Simian proverb -% -What orators lack in depth they make up in length. -% -What pains others pleasures me, -At home am I in Lisp or C; -There i couch in ecstasy, -'Til debugger's poke i flee, -Into kernel memory. -In system space, system space, there shall i fare-- -Inside of a VAX on a silicon square. -% -What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error. - -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals" -% -What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing -more than man's transparency. - -- George Nathan -% -What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. -It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books -and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes -and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes, -women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate -mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige -and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort. - -- Susan Gordon -% -What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few -of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once -were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that -impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get -enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit -till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he -look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all -the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and -discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond -their grasp before they were five years old. - -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" -% -What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? - -- Ursula K. LeGuin -% -What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch? - -- J. D. Farley -% -What segment's this, that, laid to rest -On FHA0, is sleeping? -What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run," -While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone. - Dump, dump it and type it out, - The file, the highseg of login. -Why lies it here, on public disk -And why is it now unprotected? -A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now -And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected. - Dump, dump it and type it out, - The file, the highseg of login. - -- to Greensleeves -% -What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency? -% -What soon grows old? Gratitude. - -- Aristotle -% -What, still alive at twenty-two, -A clean upstanding chap like you? -Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit, -Slit your girl's, and swing for it. -Like enough, you won't be glad, -When they come to hang you, lad: -But bacon's not the only thing -That's cured by hanging from a string. -So, when the spilt ink of the night -Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light, -Lads whose job is still to do -Shall whet their knives, and think of you. - -- Hugh Kingsmill -% -What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went -around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work. - -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet" -% -What the hell is it good for? - -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems - Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the - microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968 -% -What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. -% -What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying. - -- Nikita Khruschev -% -What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener. -% -What they said: - What they meant: - -"I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever." - (Yes, that about sums it up.) -"The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you." - (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...) -"I simply can't say enough good things about him." - (What a screw-up.) -"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine." - (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.) -"When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go -a long way with his skills." - (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.) -"You won't find many people like her." - (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.) -"I cannot recommend him too highly." - (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a - felony in my presence.) -% -What they said: - What they meant: - -"If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much -of him as I do." - (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.) -"Her input was always critical." - (She never had a good word to say.) -"I have no doubt about his capability to do good work." - (And it's nonexistent.) -"This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which -already has so many outstanding members." - (Unless you already have a moron.) -"His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable: -one unbelievable result after another." - (And we didn't believe them, either.) -"She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her." - (In fact, to life in general...) -% -What they said: - What they meant: - -"You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you." - (We certainly never succeeded.) -There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him. - (Well, our rats aren't really employees...) -"Success will never spoil him." - (Well, at least not MUCH more.) -"One usually comes away from him with a good feeling." - (And such a sigh of relief.) -"His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days; -in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities." - (And his IQ, as well.) -"He should go far." - (The farther the better.) -"He will take full advantage of his staff." - (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.) -% -What they say: What they mean: - -A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board. -Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident. -Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else. - to unforeseen difficulties -Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two. -Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be - assured grateful for anything at all. -Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers! -Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised! -The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got - to say something. -The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit. -We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're - approach kicking it around. -A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but - we're moving. -Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on. - inconclusive -Modifications are underway We're starting over. -% -What they say: What they mean: - -New Different colors from previous version. -All New Not compatible with previous version. -Exclusive Nobody else has documentation. -Unmatched Almost as good as the competition. -Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money. -Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded. -Advanced Design Nobody really understands it. -Here At Last Didn't get it done on time. -Field Tested We don't have any simulators. -Years of Development Finally got one to work. -Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before. -Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round. -Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer. -No Maintenance Impossible to fix. -Performance Proven Worked through Beta test. -Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors. -Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails. -Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again. -% -What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. -% -What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! -% -What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. -% -What this country needs is a good five cent nickel. -% -What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon. -% -What time is it? -I don't know, it keeps changing. -% -What upsets me is not that you lied to me, -but that from now on I can no longer believe you. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? - -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" -% -What we Are is God's give to us. -What we Become is our gift to God. -% -What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence. - -- Wittgenstein -% -What we do not understand we do not possess. - -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -% -What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which -nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday -Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space- -launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just -remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual -process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still -be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed. - -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" -% -What we need is either less corruption, -or more chance to participate in it. -% -What we see depends on mainly what we look for. - -- John Lubbock -% -What we wish, that we readily believe. - -- Demosthenes -% -What will happen when the 32-bit Unix date goes negative in mid-January -2038 does not bear thinking about. - -- Henry Spencer -% -What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die? -% -What would you do with a brain if you had one? - -- Judy Garland as Dorothy Gale, "The Wizard of Oz" -% -What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it. -% -What you don't know won't help you much either. - -- D. Bennett -% -What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond -your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or -your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel -powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do -with as you will. - -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen" -% -What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for -something to occur to you. - -- Robert Frost - - [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when - referring to AST's.] -% -Whatever became of eternal truth? -% -Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for -cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your -nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while -shredding hundred dollar bills." - -- Herb Caen -% -Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will -never succeed. - -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California -% -Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified -performance. - -- Helen Lawrenson -% -Whatever happened to the good old days -when sex was dirty and the air was clean? -% -Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not -nailed down. - -- Collis P. Huntingdon -% -Whatever is not nailed down is mine. -Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down. - -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon -% -Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts. - -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) -% -Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not -cockroaches! - -- Mom -% -Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half -as good. Luckily this is not difficult. - -- Charlotte Whitton -% -Whatever you do will be insignificant, -but it is very important that you do it. - -- Mahatma Gandhi -% -Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like -other people. - -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows" -% -Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first. -% -What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority. - -- Robert Altman -% -What's all this bru-ha-ha? -% -What's another word for "thesaurus"? - -- Steven Wright -% -What's done to children, they will do to society. -% -What's page one, a preemptive strike? - -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College -% -What's so funny? -% -What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong -with every one of us - and that's "selfishness." - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% -What's the ugliest part of your body? -What's the ugliest part of your body? -Some say your nose, -Some say your toes, -But I think it's your mind. - -- Frank Zappa, 1965 -% -What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it? - -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" -% -What's this stuff about people being "released on their -own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance? -% -When a Banker jumps out of a window, -jump after him -- that's where the money is. - -- Robespierre -% -When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far! -% -When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose? -% -When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but -the principle of the thing," it's the money. - -- Kin Hubbard -% -When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half -loop? -% -When a girl can read the handwriting on -the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room. -% -When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the -inattentions of one. - -- Helen Rowland -% -When a lion meets another with a louder roar, -the first lion thinks the last a bore. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -When a lot of remedies are suggested for -a disease, that means it can't be cured. - -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard" -% -When a man assumes a public trust, he -should consider himself as public property. - -- Thomas Jefferson -% -When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life. - -- Samuel Johnson -% -When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, -it concentrates his mind wonderfully. - -- Samuel Johnson -% -When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him -keep her. - -- Sacha Guitry -% -When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years -ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind -with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a -liar who has broken his promises. - -- Franklin Adams -% -When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper. -% -When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not -far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel -is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. - -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" -% -When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see -the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain -relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. - -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" -% -When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises: -first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it. - -- Donnay -% -When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband. -When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. - -- Wilde -% -When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm -yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. - -Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive -out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit -by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you -to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead -that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was -looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the -poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill -him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful -death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your -story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could -the bum's life be worth anyway? A lot less than 50 years worth of -paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job. - -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security -% -When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people -interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been -honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe. - -- The Grab Bag -% -When all else fails, EAT!!! -% -When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance -the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter -knob. - -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual -% -When all else fails, try Kate Smith. -% -When all other means of communication fail, try words. -% -When among apes, one must play the ape. -% -When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. - -- Mark Twain -% -When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo -tactics *with* Gestapo tactics? - -- Reuben Flagg -% -When arguments fail, use a blackjack. - -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate -% -When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before -the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours." - -- Vine Deloria, Jr. -% -When asked the definition of "pi": -The Mathematician: - Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the - circumference of a circle and its diameter. -The Physicist: - Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005. -The Engineer: - Pi is about 3. -% -When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense. -% -When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults. - -- Brian Aldiss -% -When choosing between two evils, I always -like to take the one I've never tried before. - -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie" -% -When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite -easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger -handle this?" -% -When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect! -% -When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this -was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists -never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have -declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and -that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any -consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition. - -- Josef Goebbels -% -When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind? -% -When does later become never? -% -When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? -Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday. -% -When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. - -- Gen. C. Abrams -% -When forecasting, give them a number -or give them a date, but never both. -% -When God endowed human beings with brains, -He did not intend to guarantee them. -% -When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to -why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's. - -- DeGourmont -% -When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and -inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats -blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes -screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he -stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing -himself to destruction. - -- George Plimpton -% -When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced -to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence. - -- Brendan Behan -% -When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred, -He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!" - -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird" -% -when i die, i'd like to go peacefully. -in my sleep. -like my grandfather. - -not screaming, -like the passengers in his car... -% -When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket -and a willingness to compromise. - -- Weber cartoon caption -% -When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, -then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. - -- Steven Wright -% -When I grow up, I want to be an honest -lawyer so things like that can't happen. - -- Richard M. Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal -% -When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I -shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do -what you like now." - -- Tolstoy -% -When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity -for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough. - -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report" -% -When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a -year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire -winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. - -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" -% -When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil. -% -When I look at the horse heads and men's faces, the immense -live torrent once raised by my will and now whirling to -nowhere through the red sunset desert, I often wonder where -I am in this torrent. - -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan -% -When I said "we", officer, I was referring to -myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat. -% -When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said -to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane." - -- Franklyn Ajaye -% -When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever. -I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never -to be seen again. - -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu" -% -When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve -it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality. - -- Al Capone -% -When I think about myself, -I almost laugh myself to death, -My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world -A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl -A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake. -I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend -When I think about myself. Too poor to break, - I laugh until my stomach ache, - When I think about myself. -My folks can make me split my side, -I laughed so hard I nearly died, -The tales they tell, sound just like lying, -They grow the fruit, -But eat the rind, -I laugh until I start to crying, -When I think about my folks. - -- Maya Angelou -% -When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father. -By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement. -% -When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President. -Now I'm beginning to believe it. - -- Clarence Darrow -% -When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard... -I was an only child... eventually. - -- Steven Wright -% -When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you -take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come -and get you." - -- Jerry Lewis -% -When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd -all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. -It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. - -- Jack Handey -% -When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal -woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man. - -- Robert Schuman -% -When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if -I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" - -- Steven Wright -% -When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends. - -I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's -picture that came with the wallet he bought. - -- Rodney Dangerfield -% -When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't -say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls". -% -When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: -I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. - -- Woody Allen -% -When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get. - -- Rodney Dangerfield -% -When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act -of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of -seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. "It is -always so," my mother said. "You do things together which not one of you -would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world of human -organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. -The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems -to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things -together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. - -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" -% -When I was young we didn't have MTV; we -had to take drugs and go to concerts. - -- Steven Pearl -% -When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened -or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot -remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to -pieces like this but we all have to do it. - -- Mark Twain -% -When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had -slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." - -- Steven Wright -% -When I works, I works hard. -When I sits, I sits easy. -And when I thinks, I goes to sleep. -% -When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and -the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in -the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who -comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says -he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked -questions like a senator. - -- Muhammad Ali -% -When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better. - -- Mae West -% -When in charge ponder, -When in doubt mumble, -When in trouble delegate. -% -When in doubt, do it. It's much easier -to apologize than to get permission. - -- Grace Murray Hopper -% -When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. -% -When in doubt, follow your heart. -% -When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand. - -- Raymond Chandler -% -When in doubt, lead trump. -% -When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. - -- James H. Boren -% -When in doubt, tell the truth. - -- Mark Twain -% -When in doubt, use brute force. - -- Ken Thompson -% -When in panic, fear and doubt, -Drink in barrels, eat, and shout. -% -When in this world the headlines read -Of those whose hearts are filled with greed -Who rob and steal from those who need -The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!) -Underdog (UNDERDOG!) -Speed of lightning, roar of thunder -Fighting all who rob or plunder -Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah) -Underdog -UNDERDOG! -% -When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. -% -When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame -- -half his wife's fault, and half her mother's. -% -When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing. -% -When it is not necessary to make a decision, -it is necessary not to make a decision. -% -When it's dark enough you can see the stars. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -When license fees are too high, -users do things by hand. -When the management is too intrusive, -users lose their spirit. - -Hack for the user's benefit. -Trust them; leave them alone. -% -When love is gone, there's always justice. -And when justice is gone, there's always force. -And when force is gone, there's always Mom. -Hi, Mom! - -- Laurie Anderson -% -When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it -will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it. -% -When Marriage is Outlawed, -Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. -% -When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. - -- Calvin Coolidge -% -When my brain begins to reel from my -literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip. - -- Ignatius Reilly -% -When my fist clenches crack it open, -Before I use it and lose my cool. -When I smile tell me some bad news, -Before I laugh and act like a fool. - -And if I swallow anything evil, -Put you finger down my throat. -And if I shiver please give me a blanket, -Keep me warm let me wear your coat - -No one knows what it's like to be the bad man, - to be the sad man. -Behind blue eyes. -No one knows what its like to be hated, - to be fated, -To telling only lies. - -- The Who, "Behind Blue Eyes" -% -When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was, -at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't -think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin -wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not -become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of -Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I -was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young -women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met -a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the -most unlikely of situations. - -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation" -% -When neither their poverty nor their honor is -touched, the majority of men live content. - -- Niccolo Machiavelli -% -When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will. -% -When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. - -- Dylan Thomas -% -When one knows women one pities men, -but when one studies men, one excuses women. - -- Horne Tooke -% -When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts, -she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind -it less and less." - -- Louise Andrews Kent -% -When operating the diopter adjustment knob with your eye to the view- -finder, be careful not to put your fingers or fingernails in your eye. - -- found in the users manual of the Nikon D2x camera, - a camera for professional photographers -% -When Oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U. -The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points -And Oxygen still had none -Then Oxygen scored a single goal -And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1 -Called because of rain. -% -When people have trouble communicating, -the least they can do is to shut up. - -- Tom Lehrer -% -When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing. -% -When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure? -% -When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932, -newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris -was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman. - - Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular - papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies - favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words: - "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides - not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the - President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how - an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison - Rothschild, where his assassination occurred. -% -When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for -every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss -is away and you get twice as much done. - -- Daniel B. Luten -% -When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy. - -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" -% -When some people decide it's time for everyone to make -big changes, it means that they want you to change first. -% -When some people discover the truth, they just -can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it. -% -When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got, -Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott, -Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes? -U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli, -They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli, -But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines! - -For might makes right, Members of the corps -And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war: -They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by - peaceful means. -All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression-- -Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression! - We only want the world to know - That we support the status quo; - They love us everywhere we go, - So when in doubt, send the Marines! - -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines" -% -When someone says "I want a programming language in -which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. -% -When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four. - -- S. Johnson -% -When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue. -% -When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple -of asterisked sentences: - - It weighs less than 8 pounds.* - And costs less than $1,300.** - -In tiny type were these "fuller explanations": - - * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all - this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power - pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks - will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you - might not be able to figure this out for yourself. - - ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if - you really want to. Or less. - -- Forbes -% -When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!" - -- Turkish proverb -% -When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff. - -- Chinese proverb -% -When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking -about themselves. -% -When the cup is full, carry it level. -% -When the doubt vanishes and the issue becomes evident, stupidity reigns. - -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) -% -When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it. - -- Billy Sunday -% -When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little -muddy paw prints on the hood of my car. -% -When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical. - -- Jon Carroll -% -When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer. -% -When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping. -% -When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. - -- Hunter S. Thompson -% -When the government bureau's remedies do not match -your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. -% -When the Guru administers, the users -are hardly aware that he exists. -Next best is a sysop who is loved. -Next, one who is feared. -And worst, one who is despised. - -If you don't trust the users, -you make them untrustworthy. - -The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks. -When his work is done, -the users say, "Amazing: -we implemented it, all by ourselves!" -% -When the leaders speak of peace -The common folk know -That war is coming -When the leaders curse war -The mobilization order is already written out. - -Every day, to earn my daily bread -I go to the market where lies are bought -Hopefully -I take my place among the sellers. - -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood" -% -When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, -the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a -nose bleed, which usually cures them of _t_h_a_t. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look -like a nail. -% -When the President does it, that means it is not illegal. - -- Richard M. Nixon -% -When the revolution comes, count your change. -% -When the salesman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask -if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone," -he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the -right." - "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in -the wrong joke." -% -When the speaker and he to whom he is speaking do not understand, that is -metaphysics. - -- Voltaire -% -When the sun shineth, make hay. - -- John Heywood -% -When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the -stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them -from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones -were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the -corners as bodies of a lower grade ... - -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" -% -When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre, -he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single -seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly, -"if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but -stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after -several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. - The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo, -what's your name?" - "Samuel," he mumbled. - "And where're you from, Sam?" - "The balcony." -% -When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the -plane will fly. - -- Donald Douglas -% -When the wind is great, bow before it; -when the wind is heavy, yield to it. -% -When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course -is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst. - -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" -% -When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary. - -- Honore de Balzac -% -When things go well, expect something to -explode, erode, collapse or just disappear. -% -When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most -insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are -required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and -exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -When users see one GUI as beautiful, -other user interfaces become ugly. -When users see some programs as winners, -other programs become lossage. - -Pointers and NULLs reference each other. -High level and assembler depend on each other. -Double and float cast to each other. -High-endian and low-endian define each other. -While and until follow each other. - -Therefore the Guru -programs without doing anything -and teaches without saying anything. -Warnings arise and he lets them come; -processes are swapped and he lets them go. -He has but doesn't possess, -acts but doesn't expect. -When his work is done, he deletes it. -That is why it lasts forever. -% -When we are planning for posterity, -we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. - -- Thomas Paine -% -When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find -anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains, -two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the -history of war have so few been led by so many. - -- General James Gavin -% -When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh. -% -When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before -- -except our fingertips will have been singed. - -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 -% -When we write programs that "learn", -it turns out we do and they don't. -% -When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. - -- H. L. Mencken, "Sententiae" -% -When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; -when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not -even our virtues. - -- Honore de Balzac -% -When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all. - -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand" -% -When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation -of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand, so that you can -proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the -goal. - -- Amrom Katz -% -When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; -when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere. - -- St. Ambrose -% -When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. -% -When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often. -% -When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later -something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend -your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all -the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a -vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will -eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent -narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything -- -will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension. -But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come -from, to torture and unsettle us? - -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer" -% -When you become used to never being alone, -you may consider yourself Americanized. -% -When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal. -% -When you die, you lose a very important part of your life. - -- Brooke Shields -% -When you dig another out of trouble, -you've got a place to bury your own. -% -When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. -% -When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly. -% -When you find yourself in danger, -When you're threatened by a stranger, -When it looks like you will take a lickin'... - -There is one thing you should learn, -When there is no one else to turn to, - Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**) - Caaaall for Super Chicken!! -% -When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf, -And the world makes you King for a day, -Then go to the mirror and look at yourself, -And see what that guy has to say. - For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife, - Who judgement upon you must pass. - The feller whose verdict counts most in your life - Is the guy staring back from the glass. -He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest, -For he's with you clear up to the end, -And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test -If the guy in the glass is your friend. - You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum, - And think you're a wonderful guy, - But the man in the glass says you're only a bum - If you can't look him straight in the eye. -You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years, -And get pats on the back as you pass, -But your final reward will be heartaches and tears -If you've cheated the guy in the glass. - -- "The Guy in the Glass" - Copyright 1934, Dale Wimbrow (1895-1954) - [Pelf is a Middle English word for wealth or riches, - especially when acquired dishonestly. Ed.] -% -When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve -people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. - -- Norm Crosby -% -When you go out to buy, don't show your silver. -% -When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. - -- Harry S. Truman -% -When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever -remains, however improbable, must be the truth. - -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" -% -When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure -clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite -answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have -acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him. - -- R. A. Lafferty -% -When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. - -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war -% -When you jump for joy, beware that no-one -moves the ground from beneath your feet. - -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" -% -When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by -asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't -know the answer either. - -- Edgar R. Fiedler -% -When you live in a sick society, -just about everything you do is wrong. -% -When you make your mark in the world, -watch out for guys with erasers. - -- The Wall Street Journal -% -When you meet a master swordsman, -show him your sword. -When you meet a man who is not a poet, -do not show him your poem. - -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master -% -When you overesteem great hackers, -more users become cretins. -When you develop encryption, -more users become crackers. - -The Guru leads -by emptying user's minds -and increasing their quotas, -by weakening their ambition -and toughening their resolve. -When users lack knowledge and desire, -management will not try to interfere. - -Practice not-looping, -and everything will fall into place. -% -When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that -you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice. - -- Otto von Bismarck -% -When you speak to others for their own good it's advice; -when they speak to you for your own good it's interference. -% -When you try to make an impression, the -chances are that is the impression you will make. -% -When you were born, a big chance was taken for you. -% -When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk. -When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned. -% -When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn -They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem. - -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy" -% -When your memory goes, forget it! -% -When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. - -- Henry J. Kaiser -% -When you're a Yup -You're a Yup all the way -From your first slice of Brie -To your last Cabernet. - -When you're a Yup -You're not just a dreamer -You're making things happen -You're driving a Beamer. -% -When you're away, I'm restless, lonely -Wretched, bored, dejected, only -Here's the rub, my darling dear, -I feel the same when you are near. - -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing" -% -When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else. - -- David Pryce-Jones -% -When you're dining out and you suspect -something's wrong, you're probably right. -% -When you're down and out, lift up your -voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"! -% -When you're in command, command. - -- Admiral Nimitz -% -When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when -you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened -of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time. - -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow" -% -When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. -% -When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to? -% -WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick -your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil. - -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) -% -WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to -laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle -to become a parrot or something. - -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) -% -Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really". - -- Dave Parnas -% -Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children -to spend their weekends with? - -- Rita Rudner -% -Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. -% -Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel -a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. - -- Abraham Lincoln -% -Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct -is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. -Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. - -- Jack Handey -% -Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Whenever Richard Cory went downtown, - We people on the pavement looked at him: -He was a gentleman from sole to crown, - Clean-favored, and imperially slim. -And he was always quietly arrayed, - And he was always human when he talked; -But still he fluttered pulses when he said, - "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked. -And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king -- - And admirably schooled in every grace: -In fine, we thought that he was everything - To make us wish that we were in his place. -So on we worked, and waited for the light, - And went without the meat, and cursed the bread; -And Richard Cory, one calm summer night, - Went home and put a bullet through his head. - -- E. A. Robinson, "Richard Cory" -% -Whenever someone tells you to take their advice, -you can be pretty sure that they're not using it. -% -Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last -you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his -Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. - -- Mark Twain - "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" -% -Whenever you find that you are on the -side of the majority, it is time to reform. - -- Mark Twain -% -Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and -weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes -and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons. - -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949 -% -Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I -% -Where am I, and what am I doing in this handbasket? - -- Mark A. Matthews, to Wes Peters, circa 1996 -% -Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk? -% -WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE - Oh, dear, where can the matter be - When it's converted to energy? - There is a slight loss of parity. - Johnny's so long at the fair. -% -Where do I find the time for not reading so many books? - -- Karl Kraus -% -Where do you go to get anorexia? - -- Shelley Winters -% -Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what -is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. - -- John Kenneth Galbraith -% -Where is John Carson now that we need him? - -- RLG -% -Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to -examine the laws of heat. - -- Christopher Morley -% -Where, oh, where, are you tonight? -Why did you leave me here all alone? -I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love. -You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone. - -Gloom, despair and agony on me. -Deep dark depression, excessive misery. -If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. -Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me. - -- Hee Haw -% -Where the hell is Wall Drug? -% -Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?". -% -Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance -in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. -% -Where there is much light there is also much shadow. - -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -% -Where there's a whip there's a way. -% -Where there's a will, there's a relative. -% -Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. -% -Where will it all end? -Probably somewhere near where it all began. -% -Where you stand depends on where you sit. - -- Rufus Miles, HEW -% -Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent. - -- Wittgenstein -% -Where's the man could ease a heart -Like a satin gown? - -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress" -% -...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to -spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it. - -- Richard Shelton -% -Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest, -Do not cease your single-handed struggle. -Go on, do not rest. - -- An old Gujarati hymn -% -Whether you can hear it or not -The Universe is laughing behind your back - -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" -% -Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? -% -Which would you rather have, a bursting -planet or an earthquake here and there? - -- John Joseph Lynch -% -While anyone can admit to themselves they were -wrong, the true test is admission to someone else. -% -While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, -The fate of empires and the fall of kings; -While quacks of State must each produce his plan, -And even children lisp the Rights of Man; -Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, -The Rights of Woman merit some attention. - -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", - November 26, 1792 -% -While having never invented a sin, -I'm trying to perfect several. -% -While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint -Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile, -began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless, -lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to -define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what -a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in." - -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes" -% -While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, -As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. - -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven" - - [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when - referring to hardware interrupts.] - -And now I see with eye serene -The very pulse of the machine. - -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight" - - [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when - referring to software interrupts.] -% -While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't -keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove. - -- Edward Stevenson -% -While money can't buy happiness, it certainly -lets you choose your own form of misery. -% -While most peoples' opinions change, -the conviction of their correctness never does. -% -While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who -held a gun to his head. - "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?" - The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot, -as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple. - "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted. - Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed -his head. "Go ahead and shoot." -% -While there's life, there's hope. - -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) -% -While walking down a crowded -City street the other day, -I heard a little urchin -To a comrade turn and say, -"Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse, -I'd be happy as a clam -If only I was de feller dat -Me mudder t'inks I am. - -"She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil -An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy, -Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson -Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy. -Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint -How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star: -If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that -Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are. - -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow" -% -While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in. - -- Dean Rusk -% -While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's -still very reassuring to know that it's still there. -% -While you recently had your problems on the run, -they've regrouped and are making another attack. -% -While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are -safe, for you can watch both of his. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Whip it, whip it good! -% -Whistler's Law: - You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge. -% -Whistler's mother is off her rocker. -% -White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship. -% -Whitehead's Law: - The obvious answer is always overlooked. -% -White's Statement: - Don't lose heart! - -Owen's Commentary on White's Statement: - ...they might want to cut it out... - -Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary: - ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search. -% -Who are you? -% -Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously? - -- Nathan Pusey -% -Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with -our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process... -% -Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"? - -- Hattie McDaniel -% -Who does not love wine, women, and song, -Remains a fool his whole life long. - -- Johann Heinrich Voss -% -Who does not trust enough will not be trusted. - -- Lao Tsu -% -Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing. - -- Thomas Tusser -% -Who is D. B. Cooper, and where is he now? -% -Who is John Galt? -% -Who is W. O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me? -% -Who loves me will also love my dog. - -- John Donne -% -Who loves not wisely but too well -Will look on Helen's face in hell, -But he whose love is thin and wise -Will view John Knox in Paradise. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -Who made the world I cannot tell; -'Tis made, and here am I in hell. -My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, -I never soiled with such a deed. - -- A. E. Housman -% -Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot? -% -Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? -% -Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!? -No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em! -% -Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? - -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927 -% -Who to himself is law no law doth need, -offends no law, and is a king indeed. - -- George Chapman -% -Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE? -% -Who was that masked man? -% -Who will take care of the world after you're gone? -% -Whoever dies with the most toys wins. -% -Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not -become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks -into you. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy. - -- Groucho Marx -% -Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the -pure in heart can make a good soup. - -- Ludwig van Beethoven -% -Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom. -% -"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. - -- George Ade -% -Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane. -% -Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising. -% -Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods. - -- Bernard Levin -% -Who's on first? -% -Who's scruffy-looking? - -- Han Solo -% -Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people. -Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery. -% -Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard? - -- Paul Simon -% -Why are programmers non-productive? -Because their time is wasted in meetings. - -Why are programmers rebellious? -Because the management interferes too much. - -Why are the programmers resigning one by one? -Because they are burnt out. - -Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% -Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like "Amadeus?" I could -have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing. - -- Ian Shoales -% -Why are you so hard to ignore? -% -Why are you watching -The washing machine? -I love entertainment -So long as it's clean. - -Professor Doberman: - While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded -pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified -improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic -experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one -must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in -fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one -receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have -been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its -meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be -suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive -implications. -% -Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are. - -- Erik Satie -% -Why be a man when you can be a success? - -- Bertolt Brecht -% -Why be difficult, when, with just a -little more effort, you can be impossible? -% -Why bother building anymore nuclear -warheads until we use the ones we have? -% -Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else? -% -Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of -movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with? -% -Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office -automation? -% -Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another -meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it -doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a -corner." -% -Why do seagulls live near the sea? -'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls. -% -Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? -It's quite uncanny. -% -Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow? -% -Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them? -% -Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with. -% -Why do we want intelligent terminals -when there are so many stupid users? -% -Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away? - -- Carl Sandburg -% -Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments? -% -Why does man kill? He kills for food. -And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. - -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" -% -Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have -more lawyers? - -New Jersey had first choice. -% -Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone? - -- Jimmy Durante -% -Why don't elephants eat penguins ? - -Because they can't get the wrappers off ... -% -Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition? -We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether -we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a -pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to -pay the fiddler. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% -Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle? - -- Alan Shepard, the first American into space, Gemini program -% -Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she -kissed her cow. - -- Rabelais -% -Why I Can't Go Out With You: - -I'd LOVE to, but... - -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters. - -- None of my socks match. - -- I'm having all my plants neutered. - -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. - -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky. - -- I'm touring China with a wok band. - -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. - -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student - named Basil Metabolism. - -- There are important world issues that need worrying about. - -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush. - -- I prefer to remain an enigma. - -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever. - -- I feel a song coming on. -% -Why I Can't Go Out With You: - -I'd LOVE to, but... - -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship. - -- I have to sit up with a sick ant. - -- I'm trying to be less popular. - -- My bathroom tiles need grouting. - -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner. - -- My subconscious says no. - -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I - can't seem to put it down. - -- My favorite commercial is on TV. - -- I have to study for my blood test. - -- I've been traded to Cincinnati. - -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed. - -- I have to go to court for kitty littering. -% -Why I Can't Go Out With You: - -I'd LOVE to, but... - -- I have to floss my cat. - -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. - -- I need to spend more time with my blender. - -- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. - -- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio. - -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. - -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. - -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise. - -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. - -- I have some really hard words to look up. -% -Why I Can't Go Out With You: - -I'd LOVE to, but... - -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. - -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door. - -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots. - -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. - -- I have to fulfill my potential. - -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone. - -- It's too close to the turn of the century. - -- I have to bleach my hare. - -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob. - -- I left my body in my other clothes. -% -Why I Can't Go Out With You: - -I'd LOVE to, but... - -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. - -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. - -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. - -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. - -- It's my parakeet's bowling night. - -- I'm building a plant from a kit. - -- There's a disturbance in the Force. - -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. - -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel. - -- My crayons all melted together. -% -Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much? -% -Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you? -% -Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? -It is because we are not the person involved. - -- Mark Twain -% -Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? - -- Steven Wright -% -Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? - -- Lily Tomlin -% -Why isn't there some cheap and easy -way to prove how much she means to me? -% -Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love -you knowing nothing? - -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions -% -Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they -are another's. - -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681 -% -Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I -not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't -- -Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not -do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want -me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? -- -I can't think why not. - -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria, - "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele -% -Why not go out on a limb? -Isn't that where the fruit is? -% -Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? -Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your -children open their old-fashioned presents. - -Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?" - -You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it - falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!" - -Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer - with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, - and I get this cretin TOP?" - -Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this." - -You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!" - -Daughter: "It looks like goat barf." - -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" -% -Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a -fresh one for a quarter of the price? -% -Why was I born with such contemporaries? - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is -wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that -unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it -not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant -beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be -incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling -into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily -needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate -origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that -we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infinitesimal -parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all -eternity for his faithlessness. - -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology", - Fortnightly Review, 1876 -% -Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said? - -- Tom Ryan -% -Why would anyone want to be called "Later"? -% -Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office: - No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee, -when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your -direction, and almost none will be returned to the source. - -- John L. Shelton -% -Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail? - -- The Tasmanian Devil -% -Wiker's Law: - Government expands to absorb all - available revenue and then some. -% -Wilcox's Law: - A pat on the back is only a few - centimeters from a kick in the pants. -% -Will Rogers never met you. -% -Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it? -That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even! -% -Will your long-winded speeches never end? -What ails you that you keep on arguing? - -- Job 16:3 -% -Williams and Holland's Law: - If enough data is collected, - anything may be proven by statistical methods. -% -Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite, -See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite; -Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays: -Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days. - -Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash, -Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash. -Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly, -Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy. - -William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell, -Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well! -Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water, -"Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." "sure is hard to raise a daughter." - -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899 -% -Wilner's Observation: - All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private. -% -Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing. - -- Vince Lombardi -% -Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything. -% -Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... -If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your -head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick... - -- Steven Wright -% -Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours." - -- Robert Byrne -% -Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house -as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. -% -[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying -hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast. - -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV -% -Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know. - -- J. Winter Smith -% -Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list. -% -Wishing without work is like fishing without bait. - -- Frank Tyger -% -Wit, n.: - The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery... - by leaving it out. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I -try to be a fraud and a half. - -- Otto von Bismarck -% -With a rubber duck, one's never alone. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -With all the fancy scientists in the world, -why can't they just once build a nuclear balm. -% -With all the talent around, it's sort of -amazing that a woman could be up here with us. - -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner -% -With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. -% -With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time -they make a law it's a joke. - -- W. Rogers -% -With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand -miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, -and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there -is no such thing as progress. - -- Ransom K. Ferm -% -With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind -she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself. - -- Tolstoy -% -With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance. -% -With reasonable men I will reason; -with humane men I will plead; -but to tyrants I will give no quarter. - -- William Lloyd Garrison -% -With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team -celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus -party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and -eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at -parties. - "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the -strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's -your G.P.A.?" - Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in -the city and forty on the highway." -% -With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of -it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too -close. Like catching snakes. - -- Marlon Brando -% -Within a computer, natural language is unnatural. -% -Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential -community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might -keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet -Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how -we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb. -I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke -them again -- and this time we'd use it. - -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the - White House's National Security Council, Washington - Post, 21 March, 1982 -% -Without adventure, civilization is in full decay. - -- Alfred North Whitehead -% -Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the -way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an -indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less -important to him than his table or his white robe. - -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac -% -Without fools there would be no wisdom. -% -Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. -% -Without life, Biology itself would be impossible. -% -Without love intelligence is dangerous; -without intelligence love is not enough. - -- Ashley Montagu -% -With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about? - -- Pink Floyd -% -Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer, -Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer -The future's uncertain and the end is always near. - -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues" -% -Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion -bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone. -Hundred billion castaways looking for a call. -% -WOLF: - A man who knows all the ankles. -% -Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?" -Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated." -% -Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - -- Dumas -% -Woman is generally so bad that the difference -between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists. - -- Tolstoy -% -Woman, n.: - An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and - having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk. -Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly. - I shall be sober in the morning. -% -Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor -out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be -equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart -that he might love her. - -- Henry -% -Woman would be more charming if one could -fall into her arms without falling into her hands. - -- DeGourmont -% -Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool. - -- Cervantes -% -Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection: - (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it. - (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete. - (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2) - (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a - VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator. - (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless. - -- Rich Kulawiec -% -Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed, -they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with. - -- Warren Beatty -% -Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk: -once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their -marriage certificates, and defy you. - -- Jerrold -% -Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it -from charity, or revenge? - -- Gustave Vapereau -% -Women are just like men, only different. -% -Women are like elephants to me: I like to -look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one. - -- W. C. Fields -% -Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have. - -- Herold -% -Women are nothing but machines for producing children. - -- Napoleon -% -Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. - -- Stephens -% -Women aren't as mere as they used to be. - -- Pogo -% -Women can keep a secret just as well as men, -but it takes more of them to do it. -% -Women come and go, but BSD is forever. - -- Derek Young -% -Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two -categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much. - -- Ann Landers -% -Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge -as good as any other. - -- Philippe De Remi -% -Women give themselves to God when the -Devil wants nothing more to do with them. - -- Arnould -% -Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly; -but they invariably want it back in such very small change. - -- Wilde -% -Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little -crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying. - -- Ansey -% -Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. -In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the -original earth clinging to the roots. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong -than men who reason with the head. - -- DeLescure -% -Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity, -but never a man who misses one. - -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord -% -Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship -us and are always bothering us to do something for them. - -- Wilde -% -Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell -them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man -than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry. - -- Mort Sahl -% -Women waste men's lives and think they have -indemnified them by a few gracious words. - -- Honore de Balzac -% -Women, when they are not in love, have all -the cold blood of an experienced attorney. - -- Honore de Balzac -% -Women, when they have made a sheep of a man, -always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron. - -- Honore de Balzac -% -Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination. -% -Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; -not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or -graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves. - -- Amiel -% -Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one. -% -Women's virtue is man's greatest invention. - -- Cornelia Otis Skinner -% -Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher, -and philosophy begins in wonder. - Socrates, quoting Plato -% -Wonderful day. -Your hangover just makes it seem terrible. -% -Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If -you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut -down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that -tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with -long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit -there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you -come back. - -Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, -when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. -Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the -cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood -heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately -beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, -and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, -although their insurance rates went way up. - -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" -% -Woodward's Law: - A theory is better than its explanation. -% -Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. - Let's just cut to the happy ending. - -- Cheers, Airport V - -Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you. -Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here. - -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back - -Sam: Beer, Norm? -Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good. - -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens -% -Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose? -Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh? - -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction - -Sam: What are you up to Norm? -Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall. - -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh - -Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson. -Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.' - -- Cheers, Loverboyd -% -Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one? -Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers. - -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah - -Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that - swallowed the canary. -Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down. - -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah - -Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass. - -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2 -% -Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up? -Norm: The warranty on my liver. - -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do - -Sam: What can I do for you, Norm? -Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam. - -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd - -Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood. - -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife -% -Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: Poor. -Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. -Norm: No, I meant `pour'. - -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3 - -Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story? -Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer. - -- Cheers, The Proposal - -Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you? -Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper. - -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash -% -Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody. - -- Cheers, Paint Your Office - -Sam: How's life treating you? -Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't. - -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss - -Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody? -Woody: For a beer? -Norm: No, for stupid questions. - -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie -% -Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me? - -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1 - -Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: My cheeks on this barstool. - -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2 - -Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer? -Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ... - Eh, make that one-thirty. - -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2 -% -Woolsey-Swanson Rule: - People would rather live with a problem they cannot - solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand. -% -Words are the voice of the heart. -% -Words can never express what words can never express. -% -Words have a longer life than deeds. - -- Pindar -% -Words must be weighed, not counted. -% -WORK: - The blessed respite from screaming kids and - soap operas for which you actually get paid. -% -Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. -Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. - -- Mark Twain -% -Work continues in this area. - -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton -% -Work expands to fill the time available. - -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955 -% -Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near -the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people -to do so. - -- Bertrand Russell -% -Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life. - -- Schulz -% -Work is the curse of the drinking classes. - -- Mike Romanoff -% -Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with -a handshake, and have fun. - -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy, - shortly before dying at the age of 86. -% -Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation): - We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage -any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you -should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, -and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we -bargained for. -% -Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling. -% -Work without a vision is slavery, -Vision without work is a pipe dream, -But vision with work is the hope of the world. -% -Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your -chairs. -% -Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with -a valentine. - -- Christopher Plummer -% -World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century -since H. G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil -thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately --- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds -together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of -error in the world." - -- Sydney Harris -% -World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced -dress code! -% -Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair-- -It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. -% -Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: - August. The lift lines are the shortest, though. - -- Steve Rubenstein -% -Worst Month of the Year: - February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if - you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you - don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. - -- Steve Rubenstein -% -Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985: - From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved - in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from - exploding bombs damage my videotapes?" -% -Worst Vegetable of the Year: - Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. - -- Steve Rubenstein -% -Worth seeing? -Yes, but not worth going to see. -% -Worthless. - -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS - (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the - Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the - "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September - 15, 1842. -% -Would it help if I got out and pushed? - -- Princess Leia Organa -% -Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue. - -- Alfieri -% -Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights? -% -Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake? - -- John Heywood -% -Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction? -% -Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions? -% -Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!! -% -Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine -stuff ... - -- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg - trial testimony, 1947 -% -Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight? - -- George Carlin -% -Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were -a turn-on? - -- "Broadcast News" -% -Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. - -- Mark Twain -% -Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. - -- Anonymous -% -Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply. -% -Write-protect tab, n.: - A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left - by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message - once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary - inconvenience. - -- Robb Russon -% -Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear -witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results -from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences. -Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief -and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped -make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th -century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce. -Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM -PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult -holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it -is itself the one hope for salvation. - -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 -% -Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. - -- Frank Zappa -% -Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down. -% -Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of -paper until drops of blood form on your forehead. - -- Gene Fowler -% -Writing is turning one's worst moments into money. - -- J. P. Donleavy -% -Writing software is more fun than working. -% -WRONG! -% -"Wrong," said Renner. - -"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with -the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'" -% -WYSIWYG: - What You See Is What You Get. -% -X windows: - Accept any substitute. - If it's broke, don't fix it. - If it ain't broke, fix it. - Form follows malfunction. - The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence. - The trailing edge of software technology. - Armageddon never looked so good. - Japan's secret weapon. - You'll envy the dead. - Making the world safe for competing window systems. - Let it get in YOUR way. - The problem for your problem. - If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto. - It could be worse, but it'll take time. - Simplicity made complex. - The greatest productivity aid since typhoid. - Flakey and built to stay that way. - -One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years. - X windows. -% -X windows: - It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow. - The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1. - Built to take on the world... and lose! - Don't try it 'til you've knocked it. - Power tools for Power Fools. - Putting new limits on productivity. - The closer you look, the cruftier we look. - Design by counterexample. - A new level of software disintegration. - No hardware is safe. - Do your time. - Rationalization, not realization. - Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest. - Gratuitous incompatibility. - Your mother. - THE user interference management system. - You can't argue with failure. - You haven't died 'til you've used it. - -The environment of today... tomorrow! - X windows. -% -X windows: - Something you can be ashamed of. - 30%% more entropy than the leading window system. - The first fully modular software disaster. - Rome was destroyed in a day. - Warn your friends about it. - Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights. - An accident that couldn't wait to happen. - Don't wait for the movie. - Never use it after a big meal. - Need we say less? - Plumbing the depths of human incompetence. - It'll make your day. - Don't get frustrated without it. - Power tools for power losers. - A software disaster of Biblical proportions. - Never had it. Never will. - The software with no visible means of support. - More than just a generation behind. - -Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel. - X windows. -% -X windows: - The ultimate bottleneck. - Flawed beyond belief. - The only thing you have to fear. - Somewhere between chaos and insanity. - On autopilot to oblivion. - The joke that kills. - A disgrace you can be proud of. - A mistake carried out to perfection. - Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set. - To err is X windows. - Ignorance is our most important resource. - Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems. - Built to fall apart. - Nullifying centuries of progress. - Falling to new depths of inefficiency. - The last thing you need. - The de facto substandard. - -Elevating brain damage to an art form. - X windows. -% -X windows: - We will dump no core before its time. - One good crash deserves another. - A bad idea whose time has come. And gone. - We make excuses. - It didn't even look good on paper. - You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later! - A new concept in abuser interfaces. - How can something get so bad, so quickly? - It could happen to you. - The art of incompetence. - You have nothing to lose but your lunch. - When uselessness just isn't enough. - More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier! - When you can't afford to be right. - And you thought we couldn't make it worse. - -If it works, it isn't X windows. -% -X windows: - You'd better sit down. - Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project. - Why do it right when you can do it wrong? - Live the nightmare. - Our bugs run faster. - When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight. - There ARE no rules. - You'll wish we were kidding. - Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more. - Dissatisfaction guaranteed. - There's got to be a better way. - The next best thing to keypunching. - Leave the thrashing to us. - We wrote the book on core dumps. - Even your dog won't like it. - More than enough rope. - Garbage at your fingertips. - -Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness. - X windows. -% -Xerox does it again and again and again and ... -% -Xerox never comes up with anything original. -% -XEROX never does anything original. -% -XI: - If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would - get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty - times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all - the managers would fly off. -XII: - It costs a lot to build bad products. -XIII: - There are many highly successful businesses in the United States. - There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to - intermingle the two. -XIV: - After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will - be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent - of every airplane's weight. -XV: - The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost - and two-thirds of the problems. - -- Norman Augustine -% -XIIdigitation, n.: - The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made - by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -XLI: - The more one produces, the less one gets. -XLII: - Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. -XLIII: - Hardware works best when it matters the least. -XLIV: - Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly - direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the - additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics. -XLV: - One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the - unexpected should have been expected. -XLVI: - A billion saved is a billion earned. - -- Norman Augustine -% -XLVII: - Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other - third is covered with auditors from headquarters. -XLVIII: - The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the - less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about. - Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less - until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing. -XLIX: - Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds. -L: - The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a - chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times - as long as the official's who created it. -LI: - By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more - government workers than there are workers. -LII: - People working in the private sector should try to save money. - There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again. - -- Norman Augustine -% -XML is a giant step in no direction at all. - -- Erik Naggum -% -XML is like violence: if it doesn't solve your problem, you aren't using -enough of it. - -- XML guru Chris Maden -% -X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing -they leave to the imagination is the plot. -% -XVI: - In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one - aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and - Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be - made available to the Marines for the extra day. -XVII: - Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, - and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases. -XVIII: - It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon - to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of - ten degradation accomplished. -XIX: - Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will - be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them. -XX: - In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding - approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the - administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax. - -- Norman Augustine -% -XXI: - It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. -XXII: - If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, - not selling advice. -XXIII: - Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is - currently estimated. -XXIV: - The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an - established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most - costly action known to man. -XXV: - A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete - or a new canvas to an artist. - -- Norman Augustine -% -XXVI: - If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each - other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. -XXVII: - Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. -XXVIII: - It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee. -XXIX: - Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their - jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results - hang on about half a decade. -XXX: - By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers, - the people doing the work have lost track of the questions. - -- Norman Augustine -% -XXXI: - The optimum committee has no members. -XXXII: - Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of - turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold. -XXXIII: - Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread. -XXXIV: - The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work - is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed - randomly. -XXXV: - The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion, - the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give - the data authenticity. - -- Norman Augustine -% -XXXVI: - The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar - contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the - proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other - at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea. -XXXVII: - Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect. - The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much. -XXXVIII: - The early bird gets the worm. - The early worm ... gets eaten. -XXXIX: - Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of - the year -- in either direction. -XL: - Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off. - -- Norman Augustine -% -Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice! -% -Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have -goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in -their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating -unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my -doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. - -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgments" -% -Y'all hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some -rays and became a tangent ? -% -Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id. - -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary -% -Yea from the table of my memory -I'll wipe away all trivial fond records. - -- Hamlet -% -Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall -fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic -operators together. - -- Steve Higgins -% -Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context. -% -Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death. -% -Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like -a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it. -% -Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead, -the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm -a private eye. - -- Calvin -% -Yeah, there are more important things in life than money, -but they won't go out with you if you don't have any. -% -Year Name James Bond Book ----- -------------------------------- -------------- ---- -50's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson -1962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958 -1963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957 -1964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959 -1965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961 -1967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954 -1967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964 -1969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963 -1971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956 -1973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955 -1974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965 -1977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette) -1979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955 -1981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette) -1983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965 -1983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery -1985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette) -1987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette) - * -- Not a Broccoli production -% -Year, n.: - A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. -% -Yes, but which self do you want to be? -% -Yes, I was surprised how easy it was to cut the door off my cat. - -- James D. Nicoll -% -Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those -L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l. - -- Rita Rudner -% -Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me. -And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy. -Just different ways to kill the pain the same. -But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, -Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy. -I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane. - -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock) -% -Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in -that order. - -- George Michaelson -% -Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. -Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. -Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. - -- Snoopy -% -Yesterday upon the stair -I met a man who wasn't there. -He wasn't there again today -- -I think he's from the CIA. -% -Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most -astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God -I'm not respectable. - -- Ruthven Campbell Todd -% -Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty -feet. - -- John Cheever -% -Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. - -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" -% -Yinkel, n.: - A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, - hoping no one will notice. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -You ain't learning nothing when you're talking. -% -You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty -spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb. -% -You are a bundle of energy, always on the go. -% -You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here. -% -You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in -use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and -the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the -moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?" -% -You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are. -% -You are a wish to be here wishing yourself. - -- Philip Whalen -% -You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind. - -- Sherlock Holmes -% -You are always busy. -% -You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. -% -You are an insult to my intelligence! -I demand that you log off immediately. -% -You are as I am with You. -% -You are capable of planning your future. -% -You are confused; but this is your normal state. -% -You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances. -% -You are destined to become the commandant of the -fighting men of the department of transportation. -% -You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend. -% -You are fairminded, just and loving. -% -You are false data. -% -You are farsighted, a good planner, -an ardent lover, and a faithful friend. -% -You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way. -% -You are going to have a new love affair. -% -You are here: - *** - *** - ********* - ******* - ***** - *** - * - - But you're not all there. -% -You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike. -% -You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different. -% -You are in the hall of the mountain king. -% -You are lost in the Swamps of Despair. -% -You are loved by the multitudes. -Have you been to the clinic lately? -% -You are magnetic in your bearing. -% -You are never given a wish without also being given the -power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however. - -- R. Bach, - "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul" -% -You are not a fool just because you have done -something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you. -% -You are not dead yet. -But watch for further reports. -% -You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing -forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are -avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -You are now in Atlanta, Georgia. -Please set your clocks back 200 years. -% -You are number 6! Who is number one? -% -"You are old, Father William," the young man said, - "All your papers these days look the same; -Those William's would be better unread -- - Do these facts never fill you with shame?" - -"In my youth," Father William replied to his son, - "I wrote wonderful papers galore; -But the great reputation I found that I'd won, - Made it pointless to think any more." -% -"You are old, father William," the young man said, - "And your hair has become very white; -And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- - Do you think, at your age, it is right?" - -"In my youth," father William replied to his son, - "I feared it might injure the brain; -But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, - Why, I do it again and again." - -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) -% -"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers - That your lectures bore people to death. -Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year -- - Don't you think that you should save your breath?" - -"I have answered three questions and that is enough," - Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs! -Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? - Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!" -% -"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak - For anything tougher than suet; -Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- - Pray, how did you manage to do it?" - -"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, - And argued each case with my wife; -And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, - Has lasted the rest of my life." - -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) -% -"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, - And there isn't one language you like; -Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none -- - Have you thought about taking a hike?" - -"Since I never write programs," his father replied, - "Every language looks equally bad; -Yet the people keep paying to read all my books - And don't realize that they've been had." -% -"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, - And have grown most uncommonly fat; -Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- - Pray what is the reason of that?" - -"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, - "I kept all my limbs very supple -By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- - Allow me to sell you a couple?" - -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) -% -"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, - And make errors few people could bear; -You complain about everyone's English but yours -- - Do you really think this is quite fair?" - -"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared, - "But my stature these days is so great -That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared, - And to stop me it's now far too late." -% -"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose - That your eye was as steady as ever; -Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- - What made you so awfully clever?" - -"I have answered three questions, and that is enough," - Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! -Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? - Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" - -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) -% -You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. -% -You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. -Therefore you have few friends. -% -You are sick, twisted and perverted. -I like that in a person. -% -You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep. -% -You are standing on my toes. -% -You are taking yourself far too seriously. -% -You are the only person to ever get this message. -% -You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who -points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get -attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra -chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a -gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a -rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy -trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a -vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch -long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is -dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your -head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves -are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to -transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem -to have gotten yourself killed, as well. - -You scored 0 out of 250 possible points. -That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer. -To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points. -% -You are wise, witty, and wonderful, -but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash. -% -You ask what a nice girl will do? -She won't give an inch, but she won't say no. - -- Marcus Valerius Martialis -% -You attempt things that you do not even plan -because of your extreme stupidity. -% -You auto buy now. -% -You buttered your bread, now lie in it! -% -You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the -peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the -municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior -courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state -supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge -reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat -between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less -than a twenty-dollar bill. - -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik -% -You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove. - -- Tim Leary -% -You can always tell luck from ability by its duration. -% -You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting -incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. -Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable -to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because -nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes -they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; -some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years. - -The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then -pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear -safety glasses. - -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" -% -You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier. -They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs. -% -You can approach truth, but never capture it. -Lies can be had 'round the corner. - -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) -% -You can be replaced by this computer. -% -You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault. - -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould -% -You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it -doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. - -- Hepler, Systems Design 182, University of Washington -% -You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you -know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains... -they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment -they cross the mountains into California, they go insane. - -- Quentin Genter -% -You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long. - -- Boris Yeltsin -% -You can cage a swallow, can't you, - but you can't swallow a cage, can you? -Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy, - finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl. -A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama! - -- The Palindromist -% -You can create your own opportunities this week. -Blackmail a senior executive. -% -You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow. - -- Janis Joplin -% -You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. -Why do you find that funny? - -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington -% -You can do very well in speculation where -land or anything to do with dirt is concerned. -% -You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead. -% -You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right -and the budget is big enough. - -- Joseph E. Levine -% -You can fool some of the people all of the time and all -of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom. -% -You can fool some of the people all of the time, -and all of the people some of the time, -but you can make a fool of yourself anytime. -% -You can fool some of the people some of the time, -and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient. -% -You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough. -% -You can get everything in life you want, -if you will help enough other people get what they want. -% -You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you -can with just a kind word. - -- Bumper Sticker -% -You can get much further with a kind word and a -gun than you can with a kind word alone. - -- Al Capone - [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.] -% -You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to? -% -You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. -% -You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend, -You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end. - -(chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day, - Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way. - -You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park, -You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark. -(chorus) - -You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt, -You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't. -(chorus) -% -You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But -if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing -your dog. - -- foolin' around -% -You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. -Don't ever count on having both at once. - -- Lazarus Long -% -You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy. - -- Joe Valachi -% -You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, -for instance. - -- Franklin P. Jones -% -You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. -% -You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on -the continuing viability of FORTRAN. - -- Alan J. Perlis -% -You can move the world with an idea, -but you have to think of it first. -% -You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you. -% -You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. - -- Jeannette Rankin -% -You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat. - -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics - -What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth. - -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics - -You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing. - -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics -% -You can now buy more gates with less -specifications than at any other time in history. - -- Kenneth Parker -% -You can observe a lot just by watching. - -- Yogi Berra -% -You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. -% -You can rent this space for only $5 a week. -% -You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding -decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left -over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. - -- F. Allen -% -You can tell how far we have to go, -when Fortran is the language of supercomputers. - -- Steven Feiner -% -You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements. - -- Norman Douglas -% -You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. -% -You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename. - -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454, - University of Washington -% -You canna change the laws of physics, Captain; -I've got to have thirty minutes! -% -You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. -% -You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you. -But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew. - -- Nathalia Crane -% -You cannot have a science without measurement. - -- R. W. Hamming -% -You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. -% -You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. -% -You cannot see the wood for the trees. - -- John Heywood -% -You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist. - -- Indira Gandhi -% -You cannot use your friends and have them too. -% -You can't break eggs without making an omelet. -% -You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. -% -You can't cheat an honest man, never give -a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump. - -- W. C. Fields -% -You can't cheat the phone company. -% -You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps. -% -You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up. - -- Richard M. Nixon (1952) -% -You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up. - -- Peter Frampton -% -You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school. - -- H. H. Munro -% -"You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time", -Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978 -she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have -children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either. - -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage" -% -You can't fall off the floor. -% -You can't get there from here. -% -You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME. -% -You can't have everything. Where would you put it? - -- Steven Wright -% -You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too. - -- Ayn Rand -% -You can't hold a man down without staying down with him. - -- Booker T. Washington -% -You can't hug a child with nuclear arms. -% -You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. -% -You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly -- -only sooner than she thought you would. -% -You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle -is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency. - -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" -% -You can't make a program without broken egos. -% -You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane. -% -You can't play your friends like marks, kid. - -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting" -% -You can't push on a string. -% -You can't run away forever, -But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start. - -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through" -% -You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a -new way. - -- Will Rogers -% -You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. -You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now. - -- Lauren Bacall -% -You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten. - -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and - Over and Over" -% -You can't take damsel here now. -% -You can't take it with you -- -especially when crossing a state line. -% -You can't teach people to be lazy -- -either they have it, or they don't. - -- Dagwood Bumstead -% -You climb to reach the summit, but once -there, discover that all roads lead down. - -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad" -% -You could get a new lease on life -- if only you -didn't need the first and last month in advance. -% -You could live a better life, if you -had a better mind and a better body. -% -You couldn't even prove the White House -staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt. - -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict -% -You definitely intend to start living sometime soon. -% -You dialed 5483. -% -You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy. -% -You do not have mail. -% -You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one. -% -You don't have to be nice to people on the way up -if you're not planning on coming back down. - -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie" -% -You don't have to explain something you never said. - -- Calvin Coolidge -% -You don't have to know how the computer -works, just how to work the computer. -% -You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. - -- J. D. Salinger -% -You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina. - -- Guindon -% -You don't sew with a fork, so I see no -reason to eat with knitting needles. - -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food -% -You enjoy the company of other people. -% -You feel a whole lot more like you do -now than you did when you used to. -% -You fill a much-needed gap. -% -You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. -The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", -which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears -tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last -names. Here's the complete text: - - "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT) - "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT) - "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to - send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF - THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME) - household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way - you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST - NAME), that it pays to file the short form!" - -The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your -money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long -form. - -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" -% -You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple, -what might you have done for a truffled turkey? - -- Brillat-Savarin, "Physiologie du go^ut" -% -You get along very well with everyone except animals and people. -% -You get what you pay for. - -- Gabriel Biel -% -You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me -from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness. - -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -% -You go down to the pickup station, - craving warmth and beauty; -You settle for less than fascination -- - a few drinks later you're not so choosy. -And the closing lights strip off the shadows - on this strange new flesh you've found -- -Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf - you hurry to the blackness - and the blankets to lay down an impression - and your loneliness. - -- Joni Mitchell -% -You got to be very careful if you don't know -where you're going, because you might not get there. - -- Yogi Berra -% -You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues, -And you know it don't come easy ... -I don't ask for much, I only want trust, -And you know it don't come easy ... -% -You guys have been practicing discrimination for years. -Now it's our turn. - -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas -% -You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it! -% -You had mail. -Paul read it, so ask him what it said. -% -You had some happiness once, -but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind. -% -You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music. -% -You have a deep interest in all that is artistic. -% -You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister). -% -You have a message from the operator. -% -You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. -A pity that it's totally undeserved. -% -You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex. -% -You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex. -% -You have a strong desire for a home -and your family interests come first. -% -You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. -% -You have a truly strong individuality. -% -You have a will that can be influenced -by all with whom you come in contact. -% -You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More-- - -This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More-- - -You are permanently confused. - -- Dave Decot -% -You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead. - -- Lois Platford -% -You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: -a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner. - -- Aristophanes -% -You have an ability to sense and know higher truth. -% -You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself. -% -You have an unusual equipment for success. -Be sure to use it properly. -% -You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to -metal objects which are not fastened down. -% -You have an unusual understanding of -the problems of human relationships. -% -You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive. - -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet" -% -You have been selected for a secret mission. -% -You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy. -% -You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business. -% -You have junk mail. -% -You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop. -% -You have mail. -% -You have many friends and very few living enemies. -% -You have no real enemies. -% -You have not converted a man because you have silenced him. - -- John Viscount Morley -% -You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married -and few words in your sleep to get divorced. -% -You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets -wrinkled. -% -You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. -You'll learn a lot today. -% -You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact. -% -You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. -If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster. - -- Lewis Carroll, - "Through the Looking-Glass, - and What Alice Found There" (1871) -% -You humans are all alike. -% -You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me -at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very -simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..." -% -You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up! - -- Dylan Thomas -% -You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke? - -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus -% -You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred. - -- Superchicken -% -You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if -you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is, -and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to... -% -You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it. - -- Maharbal -% -You know if they ever find a way to harness sarcasm as an energy source, -you people are all going to owe me big. - -- Bill Paul -% -You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes -you wore home from the party and there aren't any. -% -You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower, -start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm. - -- Dean Webber -% -You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday. - -- Garfield -% -You know my heart keeps tellin' me, -You're not a kid at thirty-three, -You play around you lose your wife, -You play too long, you lose your life. -Some gotta win, some gotta lose, -Goodtime Charlie's got the blues. -% -You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, -are now extinct. - -- W. Somerset Maugham -% -You know, the difference between this company and -the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers. -% -You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens -anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night, -you can always change the channel. - -- Jim Ignatowski -% -You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends -on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that. - -- Richard M. Nixon -% -You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat -and I had my hands about it. - -- Rorschach, "Watchmen" -% -You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language -is revenge. - -- Peter Beard -% -You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the -next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see -him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to -meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!" - -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos" -% -You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit. - -- E. A. Gilliam -% -You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo. - -- S. Rickly Christian -% -You know your apartment is small... - when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time. - you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window. - you have to go outside to change your mind. - you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet. -% -You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car. - -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82 -% -You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your -daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her -mother is allowed to take. -% -You know you're in a small town when... - You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going. - You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local - merchants because you're the first baby of the year. - Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't. - You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail. - You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway. - You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway. -% -You know you're in trouble when... -1) You wake up face down on the pavement. -2) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache. -3) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes - out of the city. -4) Your twin sister forgot your birthday. -5) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then - remember that you don't have a waterbed. -6) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate. -% -You know you're in trouble when... -1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you - follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. -2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party - and there aren't any. -3) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat. -4) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. -5) You wake up and your braces are locked together. -6) Your mother approves of the person you're dating. -% -You know you're in trouble when... -(1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind - her own business. -(2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. -(3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. -(4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office. -(5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. -(6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to - flush a grapefruit down the toilet. -(7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box. -% -You know you're in trouble when... -(1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your - skirt is caught in your pantyhose. -(2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. -(3) Your income tax check bounces. -(4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye. -(5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George. -(6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day - after you bought a waterbed. -(7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk - clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party - for your spouse. -% -You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long -when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to -make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie -chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one. -% -You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your -friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it. -% -You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi. -% -You learn to write as if to someone else -because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE". -% -You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances. -% -You lived with a man who wore white belts? -Laura, I'm disappointed in you. - -- Remington Steele -% -You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled. -% -You look tired. -% -You love peace. -% -You love your home and want it to be beautiful. -% -You may already be a loser. - -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield -% -You may be gone tomorrow, but that -doesn't mean that you weren't here today. -% -You may be infinitely smaller than some things, -but you're infinitely larger than others. -% -You may be recognized soon. Hide. -% -You may be right, I may be crazy, -But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for? - -- Billy Joel -% -You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he -is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing. - -- Sydney Harris -% -You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card -That a young man married is a young man marred. - -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys" -% -You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with -him. - -- Edgar W. Howe -% -You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it! -% -You may have heard that a dean is -to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. - -- Alfred Kahn -% -You may my glories and my state dispose, -But not my griefs; still am I king of those. - -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" -% -You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but -you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost. -% -You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will -be sold. -% -You mean you didn't *know* she was off -making lots of little phone companies? -% -You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for -success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits -or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume -party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World. - -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success" -% -You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the -obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and -an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you. - -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder" -% -You might have mail. -% -You might like to know that I looked at a detailed map of NT, and I'm -now able to confirm that in all probability Microsoft NT does not -exist. If it does, it's so small as to be completely insignificant. - -- Greg Lehey -% -You must dine in our cafeteria. -You can eat dirt cheap there!!!! -% -You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property -and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods) -and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from -bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent -paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.), -cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services, -gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to -prosecution for perjury and fraud. - -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms -% -You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty -to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties -are merely deputies of that one. - -- Nero Wolfe -% -You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable -proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do. -% -You need more time; and you probably always will. -% -You need no longer worry about the future. -This time tomorrow you'll be dead. -% -You need not worry about your future. -% -You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a -reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating -the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for -independence. - -- Charles A. Beard -% -You never gain something but that you lose something. - -- Thoreau -% -You never get a second chance to make a first impression. -% -You never go anywhere without your soul. -% -You never have to change anything you -got up in the middle of the night to write. - -- Saul Bellow -% -You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems. -% -You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the -beach. -% -You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough. - -- William Blake -% -You never learned anything by doing it right. -% -You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone -got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they -"experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented" -with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these -guys were getting stoned! - -- Johnny Carson -% -You now have Asian Flu. -% -You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were -you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare -yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the -company. - -- J. Wellington Wells -% -You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat. -% -You plan things that you do not even -attempt because of your extreme caution. -% -You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. -% -You prefer the company of the opposite -sex, but are well liked by your own. -% -You probably wouldn't worry about what people -think of you if you could know how seldom they do. - -- Olin Miller -% -You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite. -% -You roll my log, and I will roll yours. - -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca -% -You say potatoe, -And I say potato. -You say tomatoe, -And I say tomato. -Potatoe, potato, -Tomatoe, tomato. -Let's go be the Vice President... -% -You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours. -% -You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty -attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool -takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge -which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with -a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it. -Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his -brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing -his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect -order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and -can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every -addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of -the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out -the useful ones. - -- Sherlock Holmes -% -You see things; and you say "Why?" -But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?" - -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah" - [No, it wasn't John F. Kennedy. Ed.] -% -You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull -his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you -understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send -signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that -there is no cat. - -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio -% -You seek to shield those you love -and you like the role of the provider. -% -You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed. -% -You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends. - -- Joseph Conrad -% -You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think. -% -You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially -if they are dead. -% -You should go home. -% -You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except -incest and folk-dancing. - -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth" -% -You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than -about 10^12 to 1. - -- Ernest Rutherford -% -You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team, -because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat! - -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip -% -You should never wear your best trousers -when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty. - -- Henrik Ibsen -% -You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, -contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from -houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many -scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the -summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, -you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist -sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily. - -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" -% -You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, -another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and -another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms -such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In -many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money. -If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you -should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate -for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it -because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially -chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit. - -In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his -hemorrhoids. - -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" -% -You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a -plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture. - -- Business Professor, University of Georgia -% -You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh. - -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children" -% -You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put -your feet in it and swish them around a little. - -- Guindon -% -You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess. -% -You teach best what you most need to learn. -% -You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother. -% -YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING! - -Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be -a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really -important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." - -Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward -to was a dead-end job as an engineer. Now I have a promising future and -make really big Zorkmids." - -MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when -you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. - - SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! -% -You too can wear a nose mitten. -% -You tread upon my patience. - -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" -% -You two ought to be more careful-- -your love could drag on for years and years. -% -You want to know why I kept getting promoted? -Because my mouth knows more than my brain. - -- W. G. -% -You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like. -% -You will always have good luck in your personal affairs. -% -You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home. -% -You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. -% -You will be advanced socially, -without any special effort on your part. -% -You will be aided greatly by a person -whom you thought to be unimportant. -% -You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of -a lion, and the face of Donald Duck. -% -You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service. -% -You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone. -% -You will be awarded some great honor. -% -You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously. -% -You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble. -% -You will be dead within a year. -% -You will be divorced within a year. -% -You will be given a post of trust and responsibility. -% -You will be held hostage by a radical group. -% -You will be honored for contributing -your time and skill to a worthy cause. -% -You will be imprisoned for contributing -your time and skill to a bank robbery. -% -You will be married within a year. -% -You will be married within a year, and divorced within two. -% -You will be misunderstood by everyone. -% -You will be recognized and honored as a community leader. -% -You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier. -% -You will be run over by a beer truck. -% -You will be run over by a bus. -% -You will be singled out for promotion in your work. -% -You will be successful in love. -% -You will be surprised by a loud noise. -% -You will be surrounded by luxury. -% -You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler. -% -You will be the victim of a bizarre joke. -% -You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. -% -You will be traveling and coming into a fortune. -% -You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery. -% -You will become rich and famous unless you don't. -% -You will contract a rare disease. -% -You will engage in a profitable business activity. -% -You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass. -% -You will feel hungry again in another hour. -% -You will find me drinking gin -In the lowest kind of inn, -Because I am a rigid Vegetarian. - -- G. K. Chesterton -% -You will forget that you ever knew me. -% -You will gain money by a fattening action. -% -You will gain money by a speculation or lottery. -% -You will gain money by an illegal action. -% -You will gain money by an immoral action. -% -You will get what you deserve. -% -You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford. -% -You will have a head crash on your private pack. -% -You will have a long and boring life. -% -You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor. -% -You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends. -% -You will have good luck and overcome many hardships. -% -You will have long and healthy life. -% -You will have many recoverable tape errors. -% -You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you. -% -You will inherit millions of dollars. -% -You will inherit some money or a small piece of land. -% -You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money. -% -You will live to see your grandchildren. -% -You will lose an important disk file. -% -You will lose an important tape file. -% -You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door -mayonnaise salesman. -% -You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally. -% -You will never amount to much. - -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10 -% -You will never know hunger. -% -You will not be elected to public office this year. -% -You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears. -% -You will outgrow your usefulness. -% -You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates. -% -You will pass away very quickly. -% -You will pay for your sins. -If you have already paid, please disregard this message. -% -You will pioneer the first Martian colony. -% -You will probably marry after a very brief courtship. -% -You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession. -% -You will receive a legacy which will place you above want. -% -You will remember something that you should not have forgotten. -% -You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family -was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into -the butter upon a hot day. - -- Sherlock Holmes -% -You will soon forget this. -% -You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life. -% -You will step on the night soil of many countries. -% -You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, -but only because your brakes are defective. -% -You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes. -% -You will triumph over your enemy. -% -You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon. -% -You will win success in whatever calling you adopt. -% -You will wish you hadn't. -% -You won't skid if you stay in a rut. - -- Frank Hubbard -% -You work very hard. Don't try to think as well. -% -You worry too much about your job. -Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry. -% -"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems -of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note. -Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care. -Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important, -give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less -momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen -yourself in this way." - -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman" -% -You would if you could but you can't so you won't. -% -You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't -be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway. - -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell -% -You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a -taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a -minute and a huff. - -- Groucho Marx -% -You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control. - -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)" -% -You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow. -% -You'll always be, -What you always were, -Which has nothing to do with, -All to do, with her. - -- Company -% -You'll be called to a post requiring -ability in handling groups of people. -% -You'll be sorry... -% -You'll feel devilish tonight. -Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel. -% -You'll feel much better once you've given up hope. -% -You'll never be the man your mother was! -% -You'll never see all the places, or read all the -books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended. -% -You'll wish that you had done some of the -hard things when they were easier to do. -% -Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for -counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the -experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth -them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin -of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might -have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of -actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly -to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few -principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate, -which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will -not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop -nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little, -repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but -content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to -compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct -the defects of both. - -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age" -% -Young men, hear an old man to whom -old men hearkened when he was young. - -- Augustus Caesar -% -Young men think old men are fools; -but old men know young men are fools. - -- George Chapman -% -Your aim is high and to the right. -% -Your aims are high, and you are capable of much. -% -Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. -Don't believe a thing he tells you. -% -Your best consolation is the hope that the things -you failed to get weren't really worth having. -% -Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong. -% -Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. -% -Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers. -% -Your business will assume vast proportions. -% -Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion. -% -Your code should be more efficient! -% -Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize. -% -Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother. -% -Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you -from enjoying it. -% -Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts - ...Here's How You Can Tell -Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you -can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They -listed 10 signs to watch for: - #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand - earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell - jokes that no one understands, said Steiger. - #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction - fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger. - #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't - discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends." - #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain - high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when - a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger. -The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not -all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien. - -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984 - - [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.] -% -Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways. -% -Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long, -dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being -attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last -minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the -Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the -medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe -25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in -seconds if we felt like it. - -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead" -% -Your domestic life may be harmonious. -% -Your education begins where what is called your education is over. -% -Your fault - core dumped -% -Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket. -EOF -% -Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now). -% -YOUR FOAMY FUTURE - by Miss Fortune - -AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what -type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer! -Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in -California Halloween is redundant anyhow. - -PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20) - Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are -fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your -bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when -other discover your good qualities without your help. -% -YOUR FOAMY FUTURE - by Miss Fortune - -ARIES (March 21 - April 19) - Matters are not good, where your health is concerned. This Fall, be -sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly" -and you will live all the days of your life. - -TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) - You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself -in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite -brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply -miss two car payments. - -GEMINI (May 21 - June 21) - You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in -common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand -at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens. -Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until -you meet in court. -% -YOUR FOAMY FUTURE - by Miss Fortune - -CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22) - You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel -you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get -in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going -to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing? - -LEO (July 23 - August 22) - You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh -heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have -in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to -shop. - -VIRGO (August 23 - September 22) - Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are -affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job -is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a -career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more -than people who work standing up. -% -Your friends will know you better in the first minute you -meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years. - -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" -% -Your goose is cooked. -(Your current chick is burned up too!) -% -Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life. -% -Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout. -% -Your ignorance cramps my conversation. -% -Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. -% -Your love life will be happy and harmonious. -% -Your love life will be... interesting. -% -Your lover will never wish to leave you. -% -Your lucky color has faded. -% -Your lucky number has been disconnected. -% -Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. -Watch for it everywhere. -% -Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not -original and the part that is original is not good. - -- Samuel Johnson -% -Your mind is the part of you that says, - "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?" -... and then, twenty minutes later, says, - "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!" - -- Steven and Ondrea Levine -% -Your mind understands what you have been -taught; your heart, what is true. -% -Your mode of life will be changed for -the better because of good news soon. -% -Your mode of life will be changed for -the better because of new developments. -% -Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII. -% -Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC. -% -Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder -Face like ice, a little bit colder -She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules -You learned in school" -But I don't really see -Why can't we go on as three? - -- David Crosby, "Triad" -% -Your motives for doing whatever good deed you -may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody. -% -Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it. -% -Your object is to save the world, -while still leading a pleasant life. -% -Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being -true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the -mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound. -Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What -are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers -change. - -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul -% -Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world. -% -Your password is pitifully obvious. -% -Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus. -% -Your present plans will be successful. -% -Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory. -% -Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner. -% -Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You -need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion -picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use -the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified -success. - -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" -% -Your sister swims out to meet troop ships. -% -Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement. -% -Your step will soil many countries. -% -Your supervisor is thinking about you. -% -Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded. -% -Your temporary financial embarrassment will -be relieved in a surprising manner. -% -Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. -% -Your wig steers the gig. - -- Lord Buckley -% -Your wise men don't know how it feels -To be thick as a brick. - -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick" -% -Your worship is your furnaces -which, like old idols, lost obscenes, -have molten bowels; your vision is -machines for making more machines. - -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874 -% -You're a card which will have to be dealt with. -% -You're a good example of why some animals eat their young. - -- Jim Samuels to a heckler - -Ah, yes. I remember my first beer. - -- Steve Martin to a heckler - -When your IQ rises to 28, sell. - -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler -% -You're all clear now, kid. -Now blow this thing so we can all go home. - -- Han Solo -% -You're almost as happy as you think you are. -% -You're already carrying the sphere! -% -You're always thinking you're gonna be -the one that makes 'em act different. - -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan" -% -You're at the end of the road again. -% -You're at Witt's End. -% -You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. -% -You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life." -% -You're definitely on their list. -The question to ask next is what list it is. -% -You're either part of the solution or part of the problem. - -- Eldridge Cleaver -% -You're growing out of some of your problems, -but there are others that you're growing into. -% -You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little... -except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus. - -- Swamp Thing -% -You're never too old to become younger. - -- Mae West -% -You're not Dave. Who are you? -% -You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. - -- Dean Martin -% -You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!! -% -You're reasoning is excellent -- it's -only your basic assumptions that are wrong. -% -You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. -% -You're using a keyboard! How quaint! -% -You're working under a slight handicap. -You happen to be human. -% -Yours is not to reason why, -Just to Sail Away. -And when you find you have to throw -Your Legacy away; -Remember life as was it is, -And is as it were; -Chasing sounds across the galaxy -'Till silence is but a blur. - -- QYX -% -Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it. -% -Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of -courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease. - -- Robert F. Kennedy -% -Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it. -% -Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret. - -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby" -% -Youth is a disease from which we all recover. - -- Dorothy Fuldheim -% -Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -Youth is the trustee of posterity. -% -Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is -when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation. -% -You've always made the mistake of being yourself. - -- Eugene Ionesco -% -You've been Berkeley'ed! -% -You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. -% -You've been telling me to relax all the way here, -and now you're telling me just to be myself? - -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven -% -You've decked the halls with a dozen miles' length of electric lights. -Your front lawn is a gleaming testament of incandescent wonder. The neighbors -wear sunglasses 24/7, and orbiting satellites have officially picked up -and pinpointed your house as the brightest spot on earth. - -You've finally put together the Christmas wonderland of your dreams... now -if only you could get a good picture of it. - -Photographing holiday lights is no easy task. - -- from an email sent by photojojo.com -% -You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks. - -- Gary Giddens -% -You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas. -% -You've got to think about tomorrow! - -TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_y_e_s_t_e_r_d_a_y* yet! -% -YO-YO: - Something that is occasionally up but normally down. - (see also Computer). -% -Zall's Laws: - 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do - will be wrong. - 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom - door you're on. -% -Zeal, n.: - Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick. -% -Zero Defects, n.: - The result of shutting down a production line. -% -Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it! - -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers" -% -Zeus gave Leda the bird. -% -Zisla's Law: - If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants. -% -Zounds! I was never so bethump'd with words -since I first call'd my brother's father dad. - -- William Shakespeare, "King John" -% -Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: - People are always available for work in the past tense. -% diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes.sp.ok b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes.sp.ok deleted file mode 100644 index 02229cd..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes.sp.ok +++ /dev/null @@ -1,4469 +0,0 @@ -# $FreeBSD$ -AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk -AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH -aafte -Abbie -ABC -ABC's -ABCDEF -Abelson -abends -ABENDs -Abernetty -abhors -ABM -Absolutum -absurdum -Abzug -AC -acacia -Academicians -accessibleness -accurancy -accursed -accusator -Achenbach -Acheson -ACHTUNG -ACLU -ACLU's -acne -acupuncture -Adamite -Ade -Adenauer -Adhem -Adhem's -adhoc -Adidas -adj -Adkin -Adlai -Adler -Adler's -admin's -Adolf -adv -Aelius -Aeroflot -Aeschylus -Aesop -Aesop's -AFOF -Agnew -Aha -Ahab -Ahhh -ahhhed -Ahhhhhh -Ahrimanes -AI -AIIIEEEEEE -Aiken -Aim's 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-XLIII -XLIV -XLIX -XLV -XLVI -XLVII -XLVIII -xrewawt -xsz -XTC -XXI -XXII -XXIII -XXIV -XXIX -XXV -XXVI -XXVII -XXVIII -XXX -XXXI -XXXII -XXXIII -XXXIV -XXXIX -XXXV -XXXVI -XXXVII -XXXVIII -XY -Y'all -y'are -Y'know -Yabba -Yacob -yams -Yankovic -Yay -Yellowstone -Yeltsin -Yessir -Yevtushenko -Yewtoo -Yinkel -Yippie -Yoda -Yoda's -Yoko -Yorba -Yoric -Yorker's -you'se -Youghkins -Youngman -yourselfer -Yuggoth -Yul -Yuletide -Yutang -yyoouurr -Zachmann -Zadeh -Zaftig -Zall's -Zamphuor -Zanuck -Zaphod -Zappa -Zarathud -zayda -zcat -Zelazny -Zelkowitz -Zeno's -zephyr's -Zern -Zevon -Zilla -Zimmer -Zippos -Zisla's -Zolman -ZON -zonked -Zonker -zookeepers -ZORAC -Zork -Zorkmids -Zorn's -Zorro -Zoso -Zow -Zsa -Zukav -Zwanzig -Zwart -Zweigs -Zwicky -Zymurgy's diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/freebsd-tips b/games/fortune/datfiles/freebsd-tips deleted file mode 100644 index 9767586..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/freebsd-tips +++ /dev/null @@ -1,464 +0,0 @@ -This fortune brought to you by: -$FreeBSD$ -% -Any user that is a member of the wheel group can use "su -" to simulate -a root login. You can add a user to the wheel group by editing /etc/group. - -- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr> -% -By pressing "Scroll Lock" you can use the arrow keys to scroll backward -through the console output. Press "Scroll Lock" again to turn it off. -% -Can't remember if you've installed a certain port or not? Try "pkg info --x port_name". -% -Ever wonder what those numbers after command names were, as in cat(1)? It's -the section of the manual the man page is in. "man man" will tell you more. - -- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com> -% -Forget how to spell a word or a variation of a word? Use - - look portion_of_word_you_know - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -Forget what directory you are in? Type "pwd". - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -Forget when Easter is? Try "ncal -e". If you need the date for Orthodox -Easter, use "ncal -o" instead. - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -FreeBSD is started up by the program 'init'. The first thing init does when -starting multiuser mode (ie, starting the computer up for normal use) is to -run the shell script /etc/rc. By reading /etc/rc and the /etc/rc.d/ scripts, -you can learn a lot about how the system is put together, which again will -make you more confident about what happens when you do something with it. -% -Handy bash(1) prompt: PS1="\u@\h \w \!$ " - -- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com> -% -Having trouble using fetch through a firewall? Try setting the environment -variable FTP_PASSIVE_MODE to yes, and see fetch(3) for more details. -% -If other operating systems have damaged your Master Boot Record, you can -reinstall it with boot0cfg(8). See -"man boot0cfg" for details. -% -If you accidentally end up inside vi, you can quit it by pressing Escape, colon -(:), q (q), bang (!) and pressing return. -% -If you are in the C shell and have just installed a new program, you won't -be able to run it unless you first type "rehash". - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -If you do not want to get beeps in X11 (X Windows), you can turn them off with - - xset b off -% -If you have a CD-ROM drive in your machine, you can make the CD-ROM that is -presently inserted available by typing 'mount /cdrom' as root. The CD-ROM -will be available under /cdrom/. Remember to do 'umount /cdrom' before -removing the CD-ROM (it will usually not be possible to remove the CD-ROM -without doing this.) - -Note: This tip may not work in all configurations. -% -If you need a reminder to leave your terminal, type "leave +hhmm" where -"hhmm" represents in how many hours and minutes you need to leave. - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -If you need to ask a question on the FreeBSD-questions mailing list then - - http://www.FreeBSD.org/doc/en_US.ISO8859-1/articles/\ - freebsd-questions/index.html - -contains lots of useful advice to help you get the best results. -% -If you write part of a filename in tcsh, -pressing TAB will show you the available choices when there -is more than one, or complete the filename if there's only one match. -% -If you `set watch = (0 any any)' in tcsh, you will be notified when -someone logs in or out of your system. -% -If you use the C shell, add the following line to the .cshrc file in your -home directory to prevent core files from being written to disk: - - limit coredumpsize 0 - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -If you want df(1) and other commands to display disk sizes in -kilobytes instead of 512-byte blocks, set BLOCKSIZE in your -environment to 'K'. You can also use 'M' for Megabytes or 'G' for -Gigabytes. If you want df(1) to automatically select the best size -then use 'df -h'. -% -If you want to play CDs with FreeBSD, a utility for this is already included. -Type 'cdcontrol' then 'help' to learn more. (You may need to set the CDROM -environment variable in order to make cdcontrol want to start.) -% -If you'd like to keep track of applications in the FreeBSD ports tree, take a -look at FreshPorts; - - http://www.freshports.org/ -% -In order to make fetch (the FreeBSD downloading tool) ask for -username/password when it encounters a password-protected web page, you can set -the environment variable HTTP_AUTH to 'basic:*'. -% -In order to search for a string in some files, use 'grep' like this: - - grep "string" filename1 [filename2 filename3 ...] - -This will print out the lines in the files that contain the string. grep can -also do a lot more advanced searches - type 'man grep' for details. -% -In order to support national characters for European languages in tools like -less without creating other nationalisation aspects, set the environment -variable LC_ALL to 'en_US.ISO8859-1'. -% -"man firewall" will give advice for building a FreeBSD firewall - -- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com> -% -"man hier" will explain the way FreeBSD filesystems are normally laid out. - -- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com> -% -Man pages are divided into section depending on topic. There are 9 different -sections numbered from 1 (General Commands) to 9 (Kernel Developer's Manual). -You can get an introduction to each topic by typing - - man <number> intro - -In other words, to get the intro to general commands, type - - man 1 intro -% -"man ports" gives many useful hints about installing FreeBSD ports. -% -"man security" gives very good advice on how to tune the security of your -FreeBSD system. -% -"man tuning" gives some tips how to tune performance of your FreeBSD system. - -- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com> -% -Need to do a search in a manpage or in a file you've sent to a pager? Use -"/search_word". To repeat the same search, type "n" for next. - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -Need to find the location of a program? Use "locate program_name". - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -Need to leave your terminal for a few minutes and don't want to logout? -Use "lock -p". When you return, use your password as the key to unlock the -terminal. - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -Need to print a manpage? Use - - man name_of_manpage | col -bx | lpr - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -Need to quickly empty a file? Use ": > filename". - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -Need to quickly return to your home directory? Type "cd". - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -Need to remove all those ^M characters from a DOS file? Try - - tr -d \\r < dosfile > newfile - -- Originally by Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -Need to see the calendar for this month? Simply type "cal". To see the -whole year, type "cal -y". - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -Need to see which daemons are listening for connection requests? Use -"sockstat -4l" for IPv4, and "sockstat -l" for IPv4 and IPv6. - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -Need to see your routing table? Type "netstat -rn". The entry with the G -flag is your gateway. - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -Nice bash prompt: PS1='(\[$(tput md)\]\t <\w>\[$(tput me)\]) $(echo $?) \$ ' - -- Mathieu <mathieu@hal.interactionvirtuelle.com> -% -Over quota? "du -s * | sort -n " will give you a sorted list of your -directory sizes. - -- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com> -% -nc(1) (or netcat) is useful not only for redirecting input/output to -TCP or UDP connections, but also for proxying them with inetd(8). -% -sh (the default Bourne shell in FreeBSD) supports command-line editing. Just -``set -o emacs'' or ``set -o vi'' to enable it. -% -Simple tcsh prompt: set prompt = '%# ' -% -The default editor in FreeBSD is vi, which is efficient to use when you have -learned it, but somewhat user-unfriendly. To use ee (an easier but less -powerful editor) instead, set the environment variable EDITOR to /usr/bin/ee -% -Time to change your password? Type "passwd" and follow the prompts. - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -To change an environment variable in /bin/sh use: - - $ VARIABLE="value" - $ export VARIABLE -% -To change an environment variable in tcsh you use: setenv NAME "value" -where NAME is the name of the variable and "value" its new value. -% -To clear the screen, use "clear". To re-display your screen buffer, press -the scroll lock key and use your page up button. When you're finished, -press the scroll lock key again to get your prompt back. - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -To determine whether a file is a text file, executable, or some other type -of file, use - - file filename - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -To do a fast search for a file, try - - locate filename - -locate uses a database that is updated every Saturday (assuming your computer -is running FreeBSD at the time) to quickly find files based on name only. -% -To erase a line you've written at the command prompt, use "Ctrl-U". - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -To find the hostname associated with an IP address, use - - drill -x IP_address - -- Allan Jude <allanjude@FreeBSD.org> -% -To obtain a neat PostScript rendering of a manual page, use ``-t'' switch -of the man(1) utility: ``man -t <topic>''. For example: - - man -t grep > grep.ps # Save the PostScript version to a file -or - man -t printf | lp # Send the PostScript directly to printer -% -To quickly create an empty file, use "touch filename". - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -To read a compressed file without having to first uncompress it, use -"zcat" or "zless" to view it. - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -To repeat the last command in the C shell, type "!!". - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -To save disk space in your home directory, compress files you rarely -use with "gzip filename". - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -To search for files that match a particular name, use find(1); for example - - find / -name "*GENERIC*" -ls - -will search '/', and all subdirectories, for files with 'GENERIC' in the name. - -- Stephen Hilton <nospam@hiltonbsd.com> -% -To see all of the directories on your FreeBSD system, type - - find / -type d | less - -All the files? - - find / -type f | less -% -To see how long it takes a command to run, type the word "time" before the -command name. - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -To see how much disk space is left on your partitions, use - - df -h - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -To see the 10 largest files on a directory or partition, use - - du /partition_or_directory_name | sort -rn | head - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -To see the IP addresses currently set on your active interfaces, type -"ifconfig -u". - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -To see the last 10 lines of a long file, use "tail filename". To see the -first 10 lines, use "head filename". - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -To see the last time that you logged in, use lastlogin(8). - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -To see the MAC addresses of the NICs on your system, type - - ifconfig -a - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -To see the output from when your computer started, run dmesg(8). If it has -been replaced with other messages, look at /var/run/dmesg.boot. - -- Francisco Reyes <lists@natserv.com> -% -Want colour in your directory listings? Use "ls -G". "ls -F" is also useful, -and they can be combined as "ls -FG". -% -Want to find a specific port, just type the following under /usr/ports -or one its subdirectories: - - make search name=<port-name> - or - make search key=<keyword> -% -Want to know how many words, lines, or bytes are contained in a file? Type -"wc filename". - -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca> -% -Want to see how much virtual memory you're using? Just type "swapinfo" to -be shown information about the usage of your swap partitions. -% -Want to strip UTF-8 BOM(Byte Order Mark) from given files? - - sed -e '1s/^\xef\xbb\xbf//' < bomfile > newfile -% -Want to use sed(1) to edit a file in place? Well, to replace every 'e' with -an 'o', in a file named 'foo', you can do: - - sed -i.bak s/e/o/g foo - -And you'll get a backup of the original in a file named 'foo.bak', but if you -want no backup: - - sed -i '' s/e/o/g foo -% -When you've made modifications to a file in vi(1) and then find that -you can't write it, type ``<ESC>!rm -f %'' then ``:w!'' to force the -write - -This won't work if you don't have write permissions to the directory -and probably won't be suitable if you're editing through a symbolic link. -% -You can adjust the volume of various parts of the sound system in your -computer by typing 'mixer <type> <volume>'. To get a list of what you can -adjust, just type 'mixer'. -% -You can automatically download and install binary packages by doing - - pkg install <package> - -This will also automatically install the packages that are dependencies -for the package you install (ie, the packages it needs in order to work.) -% -You can change the video mode on all consoles by adding something like -the following to /etc/rc.conf: - - allscreens="80x30" - -You can use "vidcontrol -i mode | grep T" for a list of supported text -modes. - -- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr> -% -You can disable tcsh's terminal beep if you `set nobeep'. -% -You can install extra packages for FreeBSD by using the ports system. -If you have installed it, you can download, compile, and install software by -just typing - - # cd /usr/ports/<category>/<portname> - # make install && make clean - -as root. The ports infrastructure will download the software, change it so -it works on FreeBSD, compile it, install it, register the installation so it -will be possible to automatically uninstall it, and clean out the temporary -working space it used. You can remove an installed port you decide you do not -want after all by typing - - # cd /usr/ports/<category>/<portname> - # make deinstall - -as root. -% -You can look through a file in a nice text-based interface by typing - - less filename -% -You can make a log of your terminal session with script(1). -% -You can often get answers to your questions about FreeBSD by searching in the -FreeBSD mailing list archives at - - http://www.FreeBSD.org/search/search.html -% -You can open up a new split-screen window in (n)vi with :N or :E and then -use ^w to switch between the two. -% -You can permanently set environment variables for your shell by putting them -in a startup file for the shell. The name of the startup file varies -depending on the shell - csh and tcsh uses .login, bash, sh, ksh and zsh use -.profile. When using bash, sh, ksh or zsh, don't forget to export the -variable. -% -You can press Ctrl-D to quickly exit from a shell, or logout from a -login shell. - -- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr> -% -You can press Ctrl-L while in the shell to clear the screen. -% -You can press up-arrow or down-arrow to walk through a list of -previous commands in tcsh. -% -You can search for documentation on a keyword by typing - - apropos keyword -% -You can `set autologout = 30' to have tcsh log you off automatically -if you leave the shell idle for more than 30 minutes. -% -You can use aliases to decrease the amount of typing you need to do to get -commands you commonly use. Examples of fairly popular aliases include (in -Bourne shell style, as in /bin/sh, bash, ksh, and zsh): - - alias lf="ls -FA" - alias ll="ls -lA" - alias su="su -m" - -In csh or tcsh, these would be - - alias lf ls -FA - alias ll ls -lA - alias su su -m - -To remove an alias, you can usually use 'unalias aliasname'. To list all -aliases, you can usually type just 'alias'. -% -You can use /etc/make.conf to control the options used to compile software -on this system. Example entries are in -/usr/share/examples/etc/make.conf. -% -You can use "pkg info" to see a list of packages you have installed. -% -You can use the 'fetch' command to retrieve files over ftp, http or https. - - fetch http://www.FreeBSD.org/index.html - -will download the front page of the FreeBSD web site. -% -You can use "whereis" to search standard binary, manual page and source -directories for the specified programs. This can be particularly handy -when you are trying to find where in the ports tree an application is. - -Try "whereis firefox" and "whereis whereis". - -- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr> -% -Want to run the same command again? -In tcsh you can type "!!" -% -Want to go the directory you were just in? -Type "cd -" -% diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/freebsd-tips.sp.ok b/games/fortune/datfiles/freebsd-tips.sp.ok deleted file mode 100644 index 968f318..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/freebsd-tips.sp.ok +++ /dev/null @@ -1,87 +0,0 @@ -# $FreeBSD$ -aliasname -allscreens -AUTH -autolist -autologout -BLOCKSIZE -bomfile -cdcontrol -cdrom -CDs -cfg -conf -coredumpsize -csh -cshrc -Ctrl -deinstall -dmesg -dosfile -dscheidt -duth -ESC -filec -FreeBSD -grep -gzip -hiltonbsd -html -http -ifconfig -inetd -init -interactionvirtuelle -IPv -istar -kkonstan -Konstantinidis -ksh -lastlogin -lpr -manpage -mathieu -misc -natserv -ncal -netcat -netstat -newfile -NICs -nobeep -nospam -org -passwd -pkg -portname -PostScript -printf -proxying -PS -pwd -Reyes -sbin -Scheidt -setenv -sockstat -swapinfo -sysinstall -tcsh -tcsh's -tput -tumbolia -UDP -umount -unalias -uninstall -uniq -username -usr -UTF -vidcontrol -whereis -www -xset -zcat -zmore -zsh diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/gerrold.limerick b/games/fortune/datfiles/gerrold.limerick deleted file mode 100644 index f0bbce6..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/gerrold.limerick +++ /dev/null @@ -1,814 +0,0 @@ -%% $FreeBSD$ -%% From The War Against The Chtorr, -%% Copyright David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all rights reserved, -%% used with permission of the author. -%% -%%© This is the copyright line. -%%Eighty-nine is the year we assign. -%% These verses are caroled -%% by one David Gerrold. -%%All rights are reserved. This is mine. * -%% -A limerick of classic proportion -should have meter and rhyme and a portion - of humor quite lewd, - and a frightfully crude, -impossible sexual contortion. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -A limerick is best when it's lewd, -gross, titillating and crude -- - but this one is clean, - unless you are seen -reading it aloud in the nude. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -I wanted to print here a medley -of limericks so gross they were deadly, - but when the typesetter tried - to set them, he died; -(not to mention my editor, Smedly.) - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -I have written some limericks quite fateful, -malicious and vicious and hateful; - but I've torn up the jokes - that would sicken most folks, -and humanity ought to be grateful. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -There was a young lady named Susie, -Who everyone thought was a floozy. - She liked boy scout troops - and Shriners, in groups; -"What the hell?" She replied. "I'm not choosy." - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -A fellow who lived in West Perkin -was always a-jerkin' his gherkin. - Said he, "It's not fickle - to play with my pickle. -At least my gherkin's a workin'." - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -A proctologist name of McGee -once bent over double to see - an eyeball of glass - he had shoved up his ass, -"-- so I can see one that looks back at me." - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -Bart has a singular penis -for his wife who is built like a Venus. - He awoke with a fright - last Saturday night: -"Hey! Something is coming between us!" - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -A lady who lives in New Delhi -has habits disgusting and smelhi. - She likes to eat feces - of various species. -(The recipe is tattooed or her belhi.) - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -A daisy chain isn't a riddle. -just some folks who are happy to fiddle, - by twos and by threes, - on their backs or their knees, -and it's fun getting caught in the middle! - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -A lad with a marvelous bend -has no need of a lover or friend. - What he does to himself - would fill up a shelf, -but alas, he has come to his end. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -There was an old witch, name of Jessie -whose crotch was all smelly and messie. - She enjoyed a good squirm - with an alien worm --- and got stains all over her dressie! - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -A lady who favors coition, -has invented the spaceship position. - She lies down with ease - and pulls up her knees, -and hollers, "Lift off!" and "Ignitions!" - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -Isaac the famous seducer, -will meet a young lass and conducer - to let him get fresh - with her quivering flesh, -but if there isn't the time, he'll just gucer. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -And old man of Texas named Tanners -was notorious for his bad manners. - When he noticed the start - of an imminent fart, -he'd announce it with bullhorns and banners. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -A woman who wanted to see, -if she stood up, how far she could pee, - had pardon to beg, - when it ran down her leg, -and formed icicles off her left knee. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -A promiscuous sort was dear Laurie -(Yes, this is that kind of story.) - She did it with Joe - and Larry and Moe -and Curly and Howard and Morrie. - -And Johnny and Richard and Pritchard and Kerry -And Lonnie and Horace and Boris and Barry - and Donald and Harold - and Ronald and Gerald -and Tommy and Dicky and Harry. - -And . . . Peter and Paul and Teddy and Todd -and Matthew and Mark and Simon and Rod - and Brucie and Mark - and Bobby and Clarck -and she still isn't finished! My God! - -And David and Dennis and Huey and Ken -and Dewey and Louie, then David again, - and Willy and Ben - and David again -and again and again and again. - -And Danny and Manny and Gary and Fred -and Mackie and Jackie and Dougie and Ned - and Harvey and Len - (then David again) -and -- hold on just a second, she's dead! - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -There was a young man from St. Loo, -who gave his dear sister a screw. - Said he, with aplomb, - "You're better than Mom." -Said she, "That's what Dad told me too!" - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -A lady who didn't like flies -managed to hide her surprise, - when she opened up one - and found it was fun. -Now she willingly widens her thighs. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -There was a young lady named Nancy, -who liked having sex, plain of fancy. - With lightning and thunder, - and a profound sense of wonder, -But not with a partner -- much too chancy. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -There was a young lady quite tearful. -Of sucking a cock, she was fearful. - In a moment of dread, - she just turned her head. -And, boy! Did she get an earful! - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -A mathematician named Boris -had a wife with a wondrous clitoris. - He charged a small fee - for his colleagues to see -that it was made in the shape of a torus. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -The ladies all had to agree -that Mort's penis was too small to see. - A whore named Louise - sniffed, "Who will _that_ please?" -Mort proudly submitted, "Just me!" - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -There was a young fellow named Fisk -whose comings and goings were brisk, - He hid things that were stolen - inside his colon, -and said, "Hey! It's my own *." - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -A stunning young lady named Joan -thought a penis was made with a bone. - She just didn't know - 'twas her sexual glow -that turned parts of men into stone. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -A midwife named Flo from Arabia -often enjoys giving baby a - forty-volt shock - to the base of the cock. -(On a girl, she goes for the labia.) - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -I know of a lass who's for sale. -She's really a nice piece of tail. - From June to September, - she'll devour your member, -but the rest of the year, she's in jail. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -Miss Wilkerson thought it her duty -to maintain her conjugal beauty. - She mixed up a paste - of industrial waste, -and applied it to her sweet patootie.* - -* The facts about beauty are known, -and well-learned by those who are grown: - beauty is thin, - it lies on the skin; -but ugly goes down to the bone. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -The punctual Cynthia Rolen -missed a period, (or it was stolen) - She looked up her ass - with a tube made of glass, -but found only her own semi-colon; - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -A short-organ fellow named Kevin -used a vacuum to stretch it to seven, - then to eight and to nine, - and though ten was divine, -there will be film at eleven.* - -* If you think that our boy's now a stud, -you've been fooled by the size of his pud. - Although twelve inches soft, - when it rises aloft, -he just faints from the sheer lack of blood. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -There once was a lady named Lizard, -who got lost in a pink candy blizzard, - with a fellow named Jim - who wanted to swim -up her legs to visit her gizzard. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -There was a young fellow named Ted, -who had a radio put in his head. - Long wave or short - he did it for sport --- and to improve his reception in bed. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -There was a young lady from Venus, -whose body was shaped like a penis. - A fellow named Hunt - was shaped like a cunt, -so it all worked out fine, just between us. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -There was an old bastard named Gene, -impotent, selfish, and mean. - His dick was so shamed - by what the man claimed, -it pretended that is was a spleen. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -There once was a fellow named Jason, -whose horrible death I would hasten. - I'd feed him to worms, - just to see how he squirms --- but they'd vomit his crap in a basin. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -With a French lass, it's unwise to trifle. -They have urges they simply can't stifle. - A woman of France - will pull down her pants -at the sight of a towering eye-full. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -"My God!" screamed devout Mrs. Pike, -as she fondled her stableman's spike. - "This is quite out of place, - and a great loss of face --- but I think I have fallen in like!" - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -A well-endower fellow from Ortening -prepared for an evening of sportening, - with a boy from a disco, - till he lubed up his Crisco, -and discovered, alas, it was _shortening_! - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -A lady who read Sigmund Freud, -thought her genitals underemployed; - so she put in a stand - for a seven-piece band, -and held dances that we all enjoyed. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -A lady named Shirley was mellow -and she said to her eager young fellow, - "I prefer bagels and lox - to sucking off cocks, -Or even a nice dish of Jell-O!" - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -There was a young man from St. Helens -afflicted with shrinkin's and swellin's. - His dick was so small - it was not there at all, -but his balls looked like honeydew melons. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -A woman who once faked a lettera -reference by which she could gettera - job much improved, - regretted her move -when they asked her to show her et cetera. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -A lady of South Madagascar -wears a bag on her head; it's to mask her. - A bottle of scotch - might loosen her crotch. -Wait here, I'll go and I'll ask her. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -Chuck is weird, let the whole world know it. -He brought in his bucket to show it. - We all had a fit - when we saw it was shit. -We didn't know he was planning to throw it. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -"Which partners are best? Sixty-niners. -And better than that? Try the Shriners." - These are the results - of consenting adults, -(and occasional like-minded minors.) - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -A lady's iambic pentameter -is thirty-two inches diameter. - The breadth of her scansion - is due to expansion -in the pants of a critical amateur. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -There was a young fellow from Norwich -Who liked having sex with his porridge. - With sugar and cream - and a buttery scream -- -(The leftovers went into storage.) - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -There was a young fellow named Jim -who liked to get naked and swim - with plastic sex toys - shaped like pubescent boys, -'cause he'd rather be gay than be grim. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -A lady who jogged in the breeze -had bosoms that flapped to her knees. - Said she, "They're quite warm, - they keep me dry in a storm, -and when it snows, I use them for skis." - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -There was an old voyeur named Zeke, -who liked to hide in the closet and peek, - then jump out with loud cries - of "Aha!" and "Surprise!" -and point out your flaws in technique. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -Rick promised to gently deflower -a maiden who lived on South Gower, - (The truth is, he spread - her legs wide on the bed, -and finished her off in an hour.) - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -These poems have come out of my forehead. -The subject are all fairly torrid - -- except for the few - that will make you say, "Pugh!" -And those are the ones that are horrid. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -Juanita, the subject of scandals, -used to use unscented candles, - but now thinks it nice - to use a device -with batteries, buzzers, and handles. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -There was an old prune name of Ginty -who only ate muffins and thin tea. - Thinking of sex - gave her the blecchs, -and left her all dried up and squinty. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -Here's the tale of Benjamin Sneed: -Where others were two'd he was three'd - and when they unmasked it, - (three balls in his basket), -he was voted "Most Likely to Breed." - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -A maiden who had a third breast -always kept her hand close to her chest, - and I promised her well - that I never would tell. -(Write me privately. Name on request.) - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -Skydiver Daniel McDopp -used to masturbate right from the top. - Whenever he fell, - he jerked off like hell. -He was good to the very last drop. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -A necrophile name of Ned Schultz, -often brags of his deed and exults, - "Tis legal, it's said, - to make love to the dead, -if performed by consenting adults." - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -Have you ever met Jamie McBeezis? -He does any damn thing that he pleases. - Says Jamie, undaunted, - "If you've got it,then flaunt it!" -But he's referring to social diseases. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -There once was a nearsighted gynie -whose glasses were sparkly and shiny; - but they stayed in the drawer - while he worked on a whore -and tied up the tubes of her hiney. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -A shepherd named Jimmie Fitzhugh, -said to his sweetheart, "It's true. - Nothing is moister - than a fresh oister, -unless, of course, it is ewe." - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -There's a reason why Barton is queer. -When you meet him, the reason is clear. - A goddess named Venus - gave him a penis, -but Mother Nature filled up his brassiere. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -Then there was Benjamin Bright, -a contestant on "What's My Delight?" - They guesses at his habits - with little white rabbits, -but were stumped by his mouse and his kite. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -There was a young man from St. Lutz, -who had a remarkable putz. - It would sniff, it would hunt, - for it only liked cunt. -Absolutely no lips, hands, or butts. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -Sally's sex life was carefully planned. -Said she, "I prefer to be manned. - Things that are anal, - are always so banal, -but things that expand are just grand." - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -Sally-Jo was exceedingly vexed, -when they said she was quite oversexed. - She said, "That's not true, - I just like to screw, -Now, please take a number. Who's next?" - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -Sally sued for support; she was claimin' -Phil had fathered her baby (named Damon). - She said, "I ought to know." - as she pointed below. -"'Cause this is the box that he came in." - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -We will need a computer to tally -all the cowboys who scouted our Sally. - There were some on her mountains - and some on her fountains, -and quite a few down in the valley. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -A lady who overly lusted -was frequently opened and thrusted. - When the baby came due - it was female too, -and its hymen was already busted. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -When writing these verses of mine, -I start with a clever last line, - then work backward from there, - toward the opening pair, -with the hope it'll all work out fine.* - -*only sometimes it doesn't. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -There once was a whore from St. Paul, -who took anyone, wide, short, or tall. - She said to her clients, - "It's not really science -- -it's just that one size will fit all!" - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -There was a young fellow named Forrest -whose cornhole was one of the sorest. - Said he, "I don't mind - a regular grind --- but I do wish my ass were clitorised." - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -When Shakespeare awakes with a scream -and his member a-drippin' with cream, - 'tis just the commission - of nocturnal emission, -which he dubs, "A Mid-Slumber Night-Stream." - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -Sally-Jo taught erotic correction. -She told her student to get an erection. - "Put your dick in my mouth. - Move it north, move it south -- -Now, you're getting a sense of direction!" - -Her instructions were very explicit, -and more than a little illicit: - "Please fill up my cunny - with fresh clover honey, -and butter my buns like a biscuit." - -"Then wrap me up nice in a blanket, -and I'll sit on your staff while you crank it. - I'll put on some feathers, - and laces and leathers, -and wiggle my ass while you spank it." - -"Now that your fingers are stinky, -tie me up in some chains that are clinky. - Bring in goats and a sheik, - give my titties a tweak ---and _now_, we can start getting kinky!" - -"Forget what the chain and the whip meant. -Just get the straps and the slings and a shipment - of high-grade Vaseline, - and a strong trampoline, -and all of the other equipment!" - -"Now, when we get all the bedsprings a-drummin', -that's when I'll start in a-hummin', - then quickly, my dear, - put it into my ear, -so I'll hear the sound of it comin'!" - -"I don't know how much this is costing," -said her student, still covered with frosting. - "But I can say with affinity - that I've lost my virginity. -Quite frankly, my dear, you're _exhausting_!" - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -There was a mad pilot named Lizzy, -whose manners were said to be skizzy. - She could loop, she could twirl, - she could make your head whirl. -She left all her men fucking dizzy. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -The speed of Ed's seed is unclocked -whenever a lady's unfrocked. - Tho' his spirit is willin', - when a pussy needs fillin', -he's a man who goes off half-cocked. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -A lady whose name is Tirelli -has tits made of dynamite jelli. - If you take on this dare, - you must fondle with care. -(The detonator's south of her belli.) - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -The fame of our Mame was her tushy, -and the front of her cunt. (It was bushy.) - But I heard that her Mike - preferred for his spike -the place in her face that was skwooshy. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -A whore with a face like a hound -complained that her sales were down, - till a lover named Michael - bought her a cycle, -and she peddled it all over town. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -There was a young man named Levine -who said to his lady, inclined, - "Thanks for the spasm, - it felt like orgasm; -as a matter of fact, 'twas divine." - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% -A king who was mad at the time, -decreed limerick writing a crime. - but late in the night - all the poets would write -verses without any rhyme or meter. - -From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all -rights reserved, used with permission of the author. -% diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick b/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick deleted file mode 100644 index 5a92c78..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick +++ /dev/null @@ -1,4812 +0,0 @@ -%% $FreeBSD$ -% -A bad little girl in Madrid, -A most reprehensible kid, - Told her Tante Louise - That her cunt smelled like cheese, -And the worst of it was that it did! -% -A bather whose clothing was strewed -By breezes that left her quite nude, - Saw a man come along - And, unless I'm quite wrong, -You expected this line to be lewd. -% -A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? -I am not I, I'm a tree." - But another, more sane, - Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" -And covered his pants leg with pee. -% -A beautiful belle of Del Norte -Is reckoned disdainful and haughty - Because during the day - She says: "Boys, keep away!" -But she fucks in the gloaming like forty. -% -A beautiful lady named Psyche -Is loved by a fellow named Ikey. - One thing about Ike - The lady can't like -Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey. -% -A beetling young woman named Pridgets -Had a violent abhorrence of midgets; - Off the end of a wharf - She once pushed a dwarf -Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression -Sold cigars at a key-club concession. - When she swiveled about - Even strong men cried out, -For her costume did not keep her flesh in. -% -A bobby of Nottingham Junction -Whose organ had long ceased to function - Deceived his good wife - For the rest of her life -With the aid of his constable's truncheon. -% -A broken-down harlot named Tupps -Was heard to confess in her cups: - "The height of my folly - Was diddling a collie- -But I got a nice price for the pups." -% -A burlesque dancer, a pip -Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; - But she read science fiction - And died of constriction -Attempting a Moebius strip. - -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology" -% -A busy young lady named Gloria -Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier - And then by six men, - Sir Gerald again, -And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. -% -A cabin boy on an old clipper -Grew steadily flipper and flipper. - He plugged up his ass - With fragments of glass -And thus circumcised his old skipper. -% -A cautious young fellow named Lodge, -Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. - With his date all strapped in - He committed a sin -Without even leaving the garage. - -- "A Boy and His Dog" -% -A cautious young fellow named Tunney -Had a whang that was worth any money. - When eased in half-way, - The girl's sigh made him say, -"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey." -% -A certain young man, it was noted, -Went about in the heat thickly-coated; - He said, "You may scoff, - But I shan't take it off; -Underneath I am horribly bloated." - -- Edward Gorey -% -A certain young person of Ghent, -Uncertain if lady or gent, - Shows his organs at large - For a small handling charge -To assist him in paying the rent. -% -A certain young sheik of Algiers -Said to his harem, "My dears, - Though you may think it odd of me, - I'm tired of just sodomy -Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!) -% -A chap down in Oklahoma -Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, - But the sweetness of pitch - Couldn't put off the hitch -Of impotence, size and aroma. -% -A charmer from old Amarillo, -Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow, - Decided one day - That to keep men away -She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo. -% -A chippy who worked in Black Bluff -Had a pussy as large as a muff. - It had room for both hands - And some intimate glands, -And was soft as a little duck's fluff. -% -A clerical student named Pryne -Through pain sought to reach the divine: - He wore a hair shirt, - Quite often ate dirt, -And bathed every Friday in brine. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A clever young man named Eugene -Invented a jack-off machine. - On the twenty-third stroke - The fuckin' thing broke -And beat both his balls to a creame. -% -A cocksucking steno named Beeman -Remarked as she swallowed my semen: - "On my minuscule salary - I must watch every calorie, -So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" -% -A computer called Illiac4 -Had a rather tough bug in its core. - It chewed up its cards - And spewed yards and yards -Of illegible tape on the floor. -% -A contortionist hailing from Lynch -Used to rent out his tool by the inch. - A foot cost a quid -- - He could and he did -Stretch it to three in a pinch. -% -A corpulent maiden named Kroll -Had a notion exceedingly droll: - At a masquerade ball, - Dressed in nothing at all, -She backed in as a Parker House roll. -% -A cowhand way out in Seattle -Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. - He said, "No, I can't fuck - A lamb or a duck, -But golly! it just fits the cattle." -% -A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison -And had an affair with a Saracen. - She was not oversexed, - Or jealous or vexed, -She just wanted to make a comparison. -% -A CS student named Lin -Had a prick the size of a pin - It was no good for girls - But just great for squirrels -Who squealed with delight with it in. -% -A cute little twerp from Samoa -Had a cock of one inch and no moa. - It was good for keyholes - And debutantes' peeholes -But not worth a damn on a whoa. -% -A daredevil skater named Lowe, -Leaps barrels arranged in the snow, - But is proudest of doing, - Some incredible screwing, -Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row! -% -A deep-throated virgin named Netty -Was sucking a cock on the jetty. - She said, "It tastes nice, - Much better than rice, -Though not quite as good as spaghetti." -% -A delighted, incredulous bride -Remarked to her groom at her side: - "I never could quite - Believe till tonight -Our anatomies would coincide." -% -A dentist, young doctor Malone, -Got a charming girl patient alone, - And, in his depravity, - Filled the wrong cavity. -God, how his practice has grown. -% -A despairing old landlord named Fyfe, -With a frigid and quarrelsome wife, - Let his third-story front, - To a willing young cunt, -Who supplied him a new lease on life! -% -A desperate spinster from Clare -Once knelt in the moonlight all bare, - And prayed to her God - For a romp on the sod-- -'Twas a passerby answered her prayer. -% -A distinguished professor from Swarthmore -Got along with a sexy young sophomore. - As quick as a glance - He stripped off his pants, -But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. -% -A doctoral student from Buckingham -Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. - But a dropout from paree - Taught him Gamahuchee -- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em. -% -A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, -Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. - She blew her vagina - To South Carolina, -And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. - -A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, -Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. - They found her vagina, - In South Carolina, -And part of her ass in Brazil. -% -A dolly in Dallas named Alice, -Whose overworked sex is all callous, - Wore the foreskin away - On uncircumcised Ray, -Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. -% -A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis -Wished to foster an aura of menace. - To make people afraid - He wore gloves of grey suede -And white footgear intended for tennis. - -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey" -% -A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd, -Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred, - Had achieved some renown - For her tone going down-- -There's a nice civil tongue in her head. -% -A fair-haired young damsel named Grace -Thought it very, very foolish to place - Her hand on your cock - When it turned hard as rock, -For fear it would explode in your face. -% -A farmer I know named O'Doole -Had a long and incredible tool. - He can use it to plow, - Or to diddle a cow, -Or just as a cue-stick at pool. -% -A fellatrix's healthful condition -Proved the value of spunk as nutrition. - Her remarkable diet - (I suggest that you try it) -Was only her clients' emission. -% -A fellow whose surname was Hunt -Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt: - This versatile spout - Could be turned inside out, -Like a glove, and be used as a cunt. -% -A fisherman off of Cape Cod -Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!" - But the high-minded fish - Resented his wish, -And nimbly swam off with his rod. -% -A foolish geologist from Kissen -Just didn't know what he was missin', - By studying rock - And neglecting his cock, -And using it merely for pissin'. -% -A Frenchman who lived in Alsace -Had sex with a virgin named Grace. - When he popped her cherry, - She made things hairy -By bleeding all over his face. -% -A gay young prince from Morocco -Made love in a manner rococo. - He painted his penis - To resemble a Venus -And flavored his semen with cocoa. -% -A geneticist living in Delft -Scientifically played with himself, - And when he was done - He labeled it: son, -And filed him away on a shelf. -% -A gentleman, otherwise meek, -Detested with passion the leek; - When offered one out - He dealt such a clout -To the maid, she was down for a week. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A german composer named Bruckner -Remarked to a lady while fuckener: - "Less lento, my dear, - With your cute little rear; -I like a hot presto when muckener!" -% -A gift was delivered to Laura -From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah; - Wrapped in tissue and crepe, - It was peeled, like a grape, -And emitted a pale, greenish aura. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A gifted young fellow from Sparta -Was widely renowned as a farta'. - He could fart anything - From "Of Thee I Sing," -To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata." -% -A girl camper once had an affair -With a fellow all covered with hair. - When she gave him his hat - She realized that -She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. -% -A girl of the Enterprise crew -Refused every offer to screw. - But a Vulcan named Spock - Crawled under her smock, -And now she is eating for two. -% -A girl of uncertain nativity -Had an ass of extreme sensitivity - While she sat on the lap - Of a German or Jap, -She could sense Fifth Column activity. -% -A graduate student named Zac -Was said to be great in the sack. - An inch of his boner - Put girls in a coma -And two gave them epileptic attacks. -% -A greedy young lady from Sidney -Liked it in up to her kidney, - Till a man from Quebec - Shoved it up to her neck-- -He really diddled her, didn' he? -% -A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds -Once swallowed a package of seeds. - In a month, his ass - Was covered with grass -And his balls were grown over with weeds. -% -A guest in a household quite charmless -Was informed its eccentric was harmless: - "If you're caught unawares - At the head of the stairs, -Just remember, he's eyeless and armless." - -- Edward Gorey -% -A habit depraved and unsavory -Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery - Midst screeches and howls - He deflowered young owls -Which he kept in an underground aviary -% -A habit obscene and bizarre, -Has taken a-hold of papa. - He brings home young camels - And other odd mammals, -And gives them a go at mama. -% -A habit obscene and unsavory, -Holds a CS professor in slavery. - With maniacal howls, - He deflowers young owls, -That he keeps in an underground aviary. -% -A hacker who screwed a mag tape -Was caught and convicted of rape. - To jail he did go, - From which, to his woe -He couldn't get out with ESC. -% -A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk -Made love to the drive of his disk. - The thing circumsized him, - Which rather surprised him. -He wasn't aware of *that* risk. -% -A handsome young rodent named Gratian -As a lifeguard became a sensation. - All the lady mice waved - And screamed to be saved -By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation. -% -A happy old hooker named Grace -Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race. - It was hard for beginners - To tell who were winners: -There were cunt hairs all over the place. -% -A hardware debugger named Court -Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port. - But its buffer array - Only handled 1K, -So the port's driver cut it off short. -% -A haughty young wench of Del Norte -Would fuck only men over forty. - Said she, "It's too quick - With a young fellow's prick; -I like it to last, and be warty." -% -A headstrong young woman in Ealing -Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling; - When quizzed why she did, - She replied, "To be rid -Of a strange, overpowering feeling." - -- Edward Gorey -% -A hearty young fellow named Yost -Once had an affair with a ghost. - At the height of the spasm - The poor ectoplasm -Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost." -% -A hidebound young virgin named Carrie -Would say, when the fellows got hairy: - "Keep your prick in your pants - Till the end of this dance--" -Which is why Carrie still has her cherry. -% -A highly aesthetic young Jew -Had eyes of a heavenly blue; - The end of his dillie - Was shaped like a lilly, -And his balls were too utterly two! -% -A highway patrol buff named Claire, -Once screwed half a troop on a dare, - And her parts grew so hot, - There was steam on her twat, -So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare! -% -A horny young fellow named Reg, -Was jerking off under a hedge. - The gardener drew near - With a huge pruning shear, -And trimmed off the edge of his wedge. -% -A huge-organed female in Dallas, -Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus, - Was virgo intacto, - Because, ipso facto, -No phallus in Dallas fit Alice. -% -A joker who haunts Monticello -Is really a terrible fellow. - In the midst of caresses - He fills ladies dresses -With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello. -% -A lacklustre lady of Brougham -Weaveth all night at her loom. - Anon she doth blench - When her lord and his wench -Pull a chain in the neighbouring room. -% -A lad, at his first copulation, -Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation, - Gyration, elation - Throughout the duration, -I guess I'll give up masturbation." -% -A lad from far-off Transvaal -Was lustful, but tactful withal. - He'd say, just for luck, - "Mam'selle, do you fuck?" -But he'd bow till he almost would crawl. -% -A lad of the brainier kind -Had erogenous zones in his mind. - He got his sensations, - By solving equations, -(Of course, in the end, he went blind.) -% -A lady born under a curse -Used to drive forth each day in a hearse; - From the back she would wail - Through a thickness of veil: -"Things do not get better, but worse." - -- Edward Gorey -% -A lady both callous and brash -Met a man with a vast black moustache; - She cried, "Shave it, O do! - And I'll put it with glue -On my hat as a sort of panache." - -- Edward Gorey -% -A lady from Kalamazoo -Once found she had nothing to do, - So she sat on the stairs - And she counted her hairs: -4,302. -% -A lady from Old Little Rock -In fidelity took little stock, - And deserted her man - In the streets of Japan -For a boy with a prehensile cock. -% -A lady removing her scanties, -Heard them crackle electrical chanties. - Said her beau, "Have no fear, - For the reason is clear: -You simply have amps in your panties. -% -A lady stockholder quite hetera -Decided her fortune to bettera: - On the floor, quite unclad, - She successively had -Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera... -% -A lady was seized with intent -To revise her existence misspent. - So she climbed up the dome - Of St. Peter's in Rome, -Where she stayed through the following Lent. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A lady, while dining in Crewe, -Found an elephant's whang in her stew. - Said the waiter, "Don't shout - Or wave it about -Or the others will ask for one, too." -% -A lady who signs herself "Vexed" -Writes to say she believes she's been hexed: - "I don't mind my shins - Being stuck full of pins, -But I fear I am coming unsexed." - -- Edward Gorey -% -A lady with features cherubic -Was famed for her area pubic. - When they asked her its size - She replied in surprise, -"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?" -% -A lass at the foot of her class -Asked a brainier chick how to pass. - She replied, "With no fuss - You can get a B-plus, -By letting the prof pat your ass." -% -A lecherous barkeep named Dale, -After fucking his favorite female, - Mixed Drambuie and scotch - With the cream in her crotch -For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail. -% -A licentious old justice of Salem -Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em. - But instead of a fine - He would stand them in line, -With his common-law tool to impale 'em. -% -A linguist thought it a farce -That memory space was so sparse. - One day they increased it. - Said he as he seized it: -"At last! Enough core for the parse". -% -A lonely young lad of Eton -Used always to sleep with the heat on, - Till he ran into a lass - Who showed him her ass -- -Now they sleep with only a sheet on. -% -A lovely young diver named Nancy, -Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy, - The fish of Bonaire, - Watched her Derriere, -And the sea fans all tickled her fancy. -% -A lovely young maid from St. Jude -Once rode through the streets in the nude. - The police cried, "Whatam-- - Agnificent bottom" -And slapped it as hard as they could. -% -A lusty young maid from Seattle -Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle; - Till she found a bull - Who filled her so full -It made both her ovaries rattle. -% -A lusty young woodsman of Maine -For years with no woman had lain, - But he found sublimation - At a high elevation -In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain! -% -A madam who ran a bordello -Put come in her pineapple jello, - For the rich, sexy taste - And not wanting to waste -That greasy kid stuff from a fellow. -% -A maestro directing in Rome -Had a quaint way of driving it home. - Whoever he climbed - Had to keep her tail timed -To the beat of his old metronome. -% -A maiden who lived in Virginny -Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny. - The horsey set rushed her, - But success finally crushed her -For her tone soon became harsh and tinny. -% -A maiden who travelled in France -Once got on a train, just by chance. - The engineer fucked her, - The conductor sucked her, -And the fireman came in his pants. -% -A maiden who wrote of big cities -Some songs full of love, fun and pities, - Sold her stuff at the shop - Of a musical wop -Who played with her soft little titties. -% -A man was once heard to boast, -That he received a parcel by post, - It contained, so we heard, - A magnificent turd, -And the balls of his grandfather's ghost. -% -A marine being sent to Hong Kong -Got a doctor to alter his dong. - He sailed off with a tool - Flat and thin as a rule - -When he got there he found he was wrong. -% -A mathematician named Hall -Had a hexahedronical ball, - And the square of its weight - Times his pecker's, plus eight, -Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all. -% -A mathematician named Hall -Has a hexahedronical ball, - And the cube of its weight - Times his pecker's, plus eight -Is his phone number -- give him a call... -% -A mathematician named Klein -Thought the Moebius band was divine. - Said he, "If you glue - The edges of two, -You'll get a weird bottle like mine! -% -A middle-aged codger named Bruin -Found his love life completely in ruin, - For he flirted with flirts - Wearing pants and no skirts, -And he never got in for no screwin'. -% -A milkmaid there was, with a stutter, -Who was lonely and wanted a futter. - She had nowhere to turn, - So she diddled a churn, -And managed to come with the butter. -% -A mortician who practised in Fife -Made love to the corpse of his wife. - "How could I know, Judge? - She was cold, did not budge-- -Just the same as she'd acted in life." -% -A nasty old drunk in Carmel -Thinks it funny to piss in the well. - He says, "Some don't favor - That unusual flavor, -But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!" -% -A nervous young fellow named Fred -Took a charming young widow to bed. - When he'd diddled a while - She remarked with a smile, -"You've got it all in but the head." -% -A new dramatist of the absurd -Has a voice that will shortly be heard. - I learn from my spies - He's about to devise -An unprintable three-letter word. -% -A newlywed couple from Goshen -Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean. - In twenty-eight days - They got laid eighty ways -- -Imagine such fucking devotion! -% -A newly-wed man of Peru -Found himself in a terrible stew: - His wife was in bed - Much deader than dead, -And so he had no one to screw. -% -A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst, -In the pleasures of men was well-versed. - Reads the sign o'er the head - Of her well-rumpled bed -"The customer always comes first." -% -A novice was told by the Abbot: -"Consider the goat and the rabbit. - While they roll in the hay - You just stay home and pray. -You've got to get out of that habit." -% -A nudist resort at Benares -Took a midget in all unawares. - But he made members weep - For he just couldn't keep -His nose out of private affairs. -% -A nurse motivated by spite -Tied her infantine charge to a kite; - She launched it with ease - On the afternoon breeze, -And watched till it flew out of sight. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A passionate red-haired girl -When you kissed her, her senses would whirl, - And her twat would get wet, - And would wiggle and fret, -And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl. -% -A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux -Fell in love with a dashing young beau. - To arrest his regard - She would squat in his yard -And longingly pee in the sneaux. -% -A physical fellow named Fisk -Could screw at a rate very brisk. - So fast was his action - The Fitzgerald contraction -Would shrink up his rod to a disk. -% -A pious old woman named Tweak -Had taught her vagina to speak. - It was frequently liable - To quote from the Bible, -But when fucking -- not even a squeak! -% -A pious young lady named Finnegan -Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again; - So time it aright, - Make it last through the night, -For I certainly don't want to sin again!" -% -A pious young lady of Chichester -Made all of the saints in their niches stir - And each morning at matin - Her breast in pink satin -Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir. -% -A playful young chemist named Byrd -Had an urge that could not be deferred. - So to irritate Knox - He shit in his sox, -And plastered the walls with his turd. -% -A plumber whose name was John Brink -Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink. - Her resistance was stout, - And John Brink petered out, -With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink. -% -A pretty wife living in Tours -Demanded her daily amour. - But the husband said, "No! - It's to much. Let it go! -My backsides are dragging the floor." -% -A pretty young boy known as Kevin -Was raped in a pasture by seven - Lascivious beasts - (Oh, those Anglican priests) -And such is the Kingdom of Heaven. -% -A pretty young lady named Vogel -Once sat herself down on a molehill. - A curious mole - Nosed into her hole -- -Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. -% -A pretty young maiden from France -Decided she'd "just take a chance." - She let herself go - For an hour or so, -And now all her sisters are aunts. -% -A princess who lived near a bog -Met a prince in the form of a frog. - Now she and her prince - Are the parents of quints, -Four boys and one fine polliwog. -% -A princess who reigned in Baroda -Made her home on a purple pagoda. - She festooned the walls - Of her halls with the balls -And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'. -% -A programmer down in Moline -Said, I'm the match for any machine. - My secret's aversion, - To loops and recursion, -Just acres of in-line routine. - -- W. J. Wilson -% -A progressive professor named Winners -Held classes each evening for sinners. - They were graded and spaced - So the vile and debased -Would not be held back by beginners. -% -A rapist who reeked of cheap booze -Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes. - She cried, "I suppose - There's no time for my clothes, -But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!" -% -A rapturous young fellatrix -One day was at work on five pricks. - With an unholy cry - She whipped out her glass eye: -"Tell the boys I can now take on six." -% -A reckless young lady of France -Had no qualms about taking a chance, - But she thought it was crude - To get screwed in the nude, -So she always went home with damp pants. -% -A remarkable race are the Persians, -They have such peculiar diversions. - They screw the whole day - In the regular way, -And save up the nights for perversions. -% -A responsive young girl from the East -In bed was an able artiste. - She had learned two positions - From family physicians, -And ten more from the old parish priest. -% -A romantic attraction has clung -To a chap of whom damsels have sung: - "'Tis the Scourge from the East, - That lascivious beast -Who was known as Attila the Hung!" -% -A sailor who slept in the sun, -Woke to find his fly buttons undone, - He remarked with a smile, - "Good grief, a sun-dial! -And now it's a quarter-past one." -% -A savvy young hooker named Gail -Got busted and lodged in the jail. - But the jailer got hot, - To be lodged in her twat, -And so Gail made the bail with her tail. -% -A scandal involving an oyster -Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister - She preferred it, in bed, - To the count (so she said) -'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister. -% -A scream from the crypt of St. Giles -Resounded for miles upon miles. - Said the friar, "Good gracious, - The brother Ignatious -Forgeteth the abbot hath piles." -% -A seafaring hacker named Slatey -Went to bed with a VAX/780. - The thing's learned to swear - With a nautical air, -And refers to its users as "matey". -% -A sex-loving coed named Bree -Caught the clap from her Apple IIE. - The joystick, she found, - Had been fooling around -With a neighboring student's PC. -% -A silly young man from Hong Kong -Had hands that were skinny and long. - He ate rice with his fingers-- - The taste of it lingers, -But now all his fingers are gone. -% -A slick talking pirate named Bruce -To steal code, had a plan to seduce - An Apple II+. - Now Bruce wears a truss -And was jailed for computer abuse. -% -A software technician from Digital -Had hardware extremely prodigical. - It's rumoured, I hear, - That when he was near -He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital. -% -A space shuttle pilot named Ventry, -Made love to a lovely girl sentry. - She started to pout, - Because it fell out, -But the mission was saved by re-entry. -% -A sperm faced, alack and forsooth, -His moment of sexual truth. - He'd expected to fall - On a womb's spongy wall -But was dashed to his death on a tooth. -% -A spinster in Kalamazoo -Once strolled after dark by the zoo. - She was seized by the nape, - And fucked by an ape, -And she murmured, "A wonderful screw." - -And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy, -But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry - A man with a prick - Half as stiff and as thick -As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry." -% -A spunky young schoolboy named Fred -Used to toss off each night while in bed. - Said his mother, "Dear lad, - That's exceedingly bad-- -Jump in here with your mama instead." -% -A starship commander named Kirk -Emerged from his cabin berserk. - He grabbed a girl yeoman - Beneath the abdomen, -And gave her a physical jerk. -% -A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson, -Was having a captive, a person - Who was not averse - Though she had the curse, -And he'd breeches of bristling furs on. -% -A structured programmer named Drew -Was intensely turned on by "goto". - When he saw it in code - He'd shoot off his load. -It's a good thing his shop used so few. -% -A studious professor named Nestor -Bet a whore all his books that he could best her. - But she drained out his balls - And skipped up the walls, -Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her. -% -A sweetheart named Teresa Arden -Went down on her beau in the garden. - He said, "Good lord, Tess, - Don't swallow that mess!" -And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" -% -A systems programmer named Sprotic -Found his software intensely erotic. - In jealous distress - He wiped his OS. -It's possible that he's psychotic. -% -A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm, -Was renowned for her fine paroxysm. - While the man detumesced - She still spent on with zest, -Her rapture sheer anachronism. -% -A team playing baseball in Dallas -Called the umpire blind out of malice. - While this worthy had fits - The team made eight hits -And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. -% -A teenage protester named Lil -Cried, "Those Watergate spies make me ill - First they bugged our martinis, - Our bras and bikinis, -And now they are bugging the pill." -% -A thrice-married gal from L.A. -Said, "My hymen's intact to this day, - 'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it, - The voyeur only gawked at it, -And my most recent man's a gourmet." -% -A tidy young lady of Streator -Dearly loved to nibble a peter. - She always would say, - "I prefer it this way. -I think it is very much neater." -% -A timid young woman named Jane -Found parties a terrible strain; - With movements uncertain - She'd hide in a curtain -And make sounds like a rabbit in pain. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A tired young trollop of Nome -Was worn out from her toes to her dome. - Eight miners came screwing, - But she said, "Nothing doing; -One of you has to go home!" -% -A trapper named Francois Lefebrve -Once captured and buggered a beabrve. - The result of this fuck - Was a three titted duck, -A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve. -% -A tutor who tooted a flute -Tried to tutor two tutors to toot - Said the two to the tutor: - "Is it harder to toot or -To tutor two tutors to toot" -% -A vengeful technician named Schmitz -Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz. - He covered the platter - With bats' fecal matter. -Now it's seek time is really the pits. -% -A very intelligent turtle -Found programming UNIX a hurdle - The system, you see, - Ran as slow as did he, -And that's not saying much for the turtle. -% -A very odd pair are the Pitts: -His balls are as large as her tits, - Her tits are as large - As an invasion barge-- -Neither knows how the other cohabits. -% -A wanton young lady from Wimley -Reproached for not acting quite primly - Said, "Heavens above! - I know sex isn't love, -But it's such an entrancing facsimile." -% -A water pipe suited Miss Hunt; -She used it for many a bunt. - But the unlucky wench - Got it caught in her trench --- -It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, -To get the thing out of her cunt. -% -A weary old lecher named Blott -Took a luscious young blond to his yacht. - Too lazy to rape her, - He made darts out of paper, -Which he leisurely tossed at her twat. -% -A whimsical fellow named Bloch -Could beat the base drum with his cock. - With a special erection - He could play a selection -From Johann Sebastian Bach. -% -A wicked stone cutter named Cary -Drilled holes in divine statuary. - With eyes full of malice - He pulled out his phallus, -And buggered a stone Virgin Mary. -% -A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket -Had a hole as big as a basket. - A spot, as a bride, - In it now, you could hide, -And include with your luggage your mascot. -% -A widow whose singular vice -Was to keep her late husband on ice - Said, "It's been hard since I lost him -- - I'll never defrost him! -Cold comfort, but cheap at the price." -% -A wonderful bird is the pelican. -His mouth can hold more than his belican. - He can take in his beak - Enough food for a week. -I'm darned if I know how the helican. -% -A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies, -Renowned for the length of their peenies. - The hair on their balls - Sweeps the floors of their halls, -But they don't look at women, the meanies. -% -A wood-fetish busboy named Gable -Is rapid, is thorough, is able; - But when everything's cleared, - He gives way to the weird, -As he lovingly busses each table. -% -A worn-out young husband named Lehr -Heard daily his wife's plaintive prayer: - "Slip on a sheath, quick, - Then slip your big dick -Between these lips covered with hair." -% -A worried young man from Stamboul -Discovered red spots on his tool. - Said the doctor, a cynic, - "Get out of my clinic -Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool." -% -A young bride and groom of Australia -Remarked as they joined genitalia: - "Though the system seems odd, - We are thankful that God -Developed the genus Mammalia." -% -A young fellow discovered through Freud -That although of penis devoid, - He could practice coitus - By eating a foetus, -And his parents were quite overjoyed. -% -A young Juliet of St. Louis -On a balcony stood acting screwy. - Her Romeo climbed, - But he wasn't well timed, -And half-way up, off he went -- blooey! -% -A young lad named Lester McGraw -Caught a stranger on top of his Maw. - As he watched him stick her - He said, with a snicker, -"You do it much faster than Paw." -% -A young lady sat by the sea, -Just as proper as proper could be. - A young fellow goosed her, - And roughly seduced her, -So she thanked him and went home to tea. -% -A young lady who lived by the Usk -Subsisted each day on a rusk; - She ate the first bite - Before it was light, -And the last crumb sometime after dusk. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A young lass got married at Chester; -Her mother she kissed and she blessed her. - Said she, "You're in luck -- - 'E's a stunning good fuck, -For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester." -% -A young maiden from France was no prude, -She decided to dive in the nude, - But her buddy, behind, - Went out of his mind, -When he noticed where she was tattooed. -% -A young man by a girl was desired -To give her the thrills she required, - But he died of old age - Ere his cock could assuage -The volcanic desire it inspired. -% -A young man from the banks of the Po -Found his cock had elongated so, - That when he'd pee - It was never he -But only his neighbors who'd know. -% -A young man grew increasingly peaky -In a house where the hinges were squeaky, - The ferns curled up brown, - The ceilings flaked down, -And all of the faucets were leaky. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A young man maintained that his trigger -Was so big that there weren't any bigger. - But this long and thick pud - Was so heavy it could -Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor. -% -A young man of acumen and daring, -Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring, - Was left quite alone - When it soon became known -That their use at his board was unsparing. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll -While bent over plucking a dingle - Had the whole of Eisteddfod - Taking turns at his pod -While they sang some impossible jingle. -% -A young man with passions quite gingery -Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie. - He slapped her behind - And made up his mind -To add incest to insult and injury. -% -A young polo-player of Berkeley -Made love to his sweetheart berserkly. - In the midst of each chukker - He would break off and fuck her -Horizontally, laterally and verkeley. -% -A young wife in the outskirts of Reims -Preferred frigging to going to mass. - Said her husband, "Take Jacques, - Or any young cock, -For I cannot live up to your ass." -% -A young woman got married at Chester, -Her mother she kissed her and blessed her. - Says she, "You're in luck, - He's a stunning good fuck, -For I've had him myself down in Leicester." -% -According to experts, the oyster -In its shell - a crustacean cloister - - May frequently be - Either he or a she -Or both, if it should be its choice ter. -% -Alas for the Countess d'Isere, -Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair. - Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!" - When he parted her thighs; -"Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre." -% -All the female apes ran from King Kong -For his dong was unspeakably long. - But a friendly giraffe - Quaffed his yard and a half, -And ecstatically burst into song. -% -An aesthete from South Carolina -Had a cock that tickled like China, - But while shooting his load - It cracked like old Spode, -So he's bought him a Steuben vagina. -% -An agreeable girl named Miss Doves -Likes to jack off the young men she loves. - She will use her bare fist - If the fellows insist -But she really prefers to wear gloves. -% -An AI researcher named Bluth -Wrote, to find out the sexual truth, - Eroticon VI, - Which he taught certain tricks -Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth. -% -An amazon giantess named Dunne -Let a midget screw her for fun. - But the poor little runt - Was engulfed in her cunt -And re-born as the twin of his son. -% -An ambitious lady named Harriet -Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot - By seventeen sailors - A monk and three tailors, -Mohammed and Judas Iscariot. -% -An anonymous woman we knew -Was dozing one day in her pew; - When the preacher yelled "Sin!" - She said, "Count me in -As soon as the service is through." -% -An architect fellow named Yoric -Could, when feeling euphoric, - Display for selection - Three kinds of erection- -Corinthian, ionic, and doric. -% -An ardent young man named Magruder -Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda. - She thought it quite lewd - To be wooed in the nude, -But Magruder was shrewder, he screwed her. -% -An Argentine gaucho named Bruno -Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know. - Women are fine - And sheep are divine -But llamas are numero uno." -% -An ARPAnaut name of Corvette -Had a fetish involving the net. - As he fondled his IMP - His cock went from limp -To as hard as concrete which has set. -% -An arrogant wench from Salt Lake -Liked to tease all the boys on the make. - She was finally the prize - Of a man twice her size -And all she recalls is the ache. -% -An artist who lived in Australia -Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. - The drawing was fine, - The colour - divine, -The scent - ah, that was a failia. -% -An eager young hacker named Gus -Once buggered a VAX Unibus. - The hardware went bad, - But not the young lad -(Except for the toupee and truss). -% -An earnest young woman in Thrace -Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!" - So he gave her a thwack, - And did on her back, -What he couldn't have done face to face. -% -An Edwardian father named Udgeon, -Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon, - Used on Saturday nights - To turn down the lights, -And chase them around with a bludgeon. - -- Edward Gorey -% -An envious girl named McMeanus -Was jealous of her lover's big penis. - It was small consolation - That the rest of the nation -Of women were with her in weeness. -% -An exotic young lady named Suki -Once danced in a troupe of kabuki - When asked for a fuck - She said, "Solly, no luck-- -See here: looky looky, no nuki " -% -An impish young fellow named James -Had a passion for idiot games. - He lighted the hair - Of his lady's affair -And laughed as she pissed through the flames. -% -An impotent Scot named MacDougall -Had to husband his sperm and be frugal. - He was gathering semen - To gender a he-man, -By screwing his wife through a bugle. -% -An incautious young woman named Venn -Was seen with the wrong sort of men; - She vanished one day, - But the following May -Her legs were retrieved from a fen. - -- Edward Gorey -% -An indefatigable woman named Bavel -Had often occasion to travel; - On the way she would sit - And furiously knit, -And on the way back she'd unravel. - -- Edward Gorey -% -An ingenious young man in South Bend -Made a synthetic ass for a friend, - But the friend shortly found - Its construction unsound, -It was simply a bother -- no end. -% -An innocent maiden named Herridge -Was cruelly tricked into marriage; - When she later found out - What her spouse was about, -She threw herself under a carriage. - -- Edward Gorey -% -An inquisitive virgin named Dora -Asked the man who started to bore 'er: - "Do you mean birds and bees - Go through antics like these, -To supply us our fauna and flora?" -% -An irate young lady named Booker -Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker! - If you want it queer ways, - Go to whores for your lays!" -So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er. -% -An octagenerian Jew -To his wife remained steadfastly true. - This was not from compunction, - But due to dysfunction -Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you. -% -An old couple just at Shrovetide -Were having a piece -- when he died. - The wife for a week - Sat tight on his peak, -And bounced up and down as she cried. -% -An old electronic designer -Had designs on a minor named Dinah. - He couldn't carry them out - For his prick was too stout, -And too small was the minor's vagina. -% -An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings -Were a terrible trial to his siblings, - But he was not removed - Till one day it was proved -That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings. - -- Edward Gorey -% -An old maid who had a pet ape -Lived in fear of perpetual rape. - His red, hairy phallus - So filled her with malice -That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape. -% -An old man at the Folies Bergere -Had a jock, a most wondrous affair: - It snipped off a twat-curl - From each new chorus girl, -And he had a wig made of the hair. -% -An organist playing in York -Had a prick that could hold a small fork, - And between obbligatos - He'd munch at tomatoes, -To keep up his strength while at work. -% -An orgasmic young sex star named Sue -Was a hit as she writhed to a screw. - Her climatic fame spread - With an ad blitz that said: -Coming soon at a theater near you! -% -An uptight young lady named Breerley -Who valued her morals too dearly - Had sex, so I hear, - Only once every year, -And she strained her vagina severely. -% -And then there's the story that's fraught -With disaster -- of balls that got caught, - When a chap took a crap - In the woods, and a trap -Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought! -% -As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops -Is a kinky old butcher named Pops. - Since he thinks it's effete - To be beating his meat, -What he's into is licking his chops. -% -As he came in his chubby choirboy, -Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy! - If no sodomy levens - And possible heavens, -Existence will merely annoy." -% -As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks, -Its occupant cried, "Save my socks! - I could not bear the loss, - For with scarlet silk floss -My mama has embroidered their clocks." - -- Edward Gorey -% -As tourists inspected the apse -An ominous series of raps - Came from under the altar, - Which caused some to falter -And others to shriek and collapse. - -- Edward Gorey -% -Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff, -"Do I sin if I do what I want, if - I screw a young nun - In the eastertide sun?" -His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff." -% -At a contest for farting in Butte -One lady's exertion was cute: - It won the diploma - For fetid aroma, -And three judges were felled by the brute. -% -At a dance, a girl from Connecticut -Showed an absolute absence of etiquette - Letting all comers press - Through the skirt of her dress -And wiping the mess with her petticoat. -% -At the end of all civilization -Is the planet Terminus's location. - There's a girl there whose feat, - Without stone or concrete, -Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation. -% -At the moment Japan declared war -A sailor was fucking a whore. - He said, "After this poke - `Long and hard' ain't no joke; -This means months 'til I get back ashore." -% -At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers -Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers; - It beats all night long - A dirge on a gong -As it staggers about in the creepers. - -- Edward Gorey -% -At Vassar, sex isn't injurious, -Though of love we are never penurious. - Thanks to vulcanized aids, - Though we may die old maids, -At least we shall never die curious. -% -At whist drives and strawberry teas -Fan would giggle and show off her knees; - But when she was alone - She'd drink eau de cologne, -And weep from a sense of unease. - -- Edward Gorey -% -Augustus, for splashing his soup, -Was put for the night on the stoop; - In the morning he'd not - Repented a jot, -And next day he was dead of the croup. - -- Edward Gorey -% -Back in the days of old Adam -The grass served as mattress for madam, - And they spent the whole day - On the sex that today -They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em. -% -Each Friday his engines abort, -But Scotty is never caught short. - He fills his machines - With space-navy beans, -And farts the ship back into port. -% -Each night Father fills me with dread -When he sits on the foot of my bed; - I'd not mind that he speaks - In gibbers and squeaks, -But for the seventeen years he's been dead. - -- Edward Gorey -% -From deep in the crypt at St. Giles -Came a bellow that echoed for miles. - Said the rector, "My gracious, - Has Father Ignatius -Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?" -% -From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews, -There is really abominable news; - They've discovered a head - In the box for the bread, -But nobody seems to know whose. - -- Edward Gorey -% -From the bathing machine came a din -As of jollification within; - It was heard far and wide, - And the incoming tide -Had a definite flavour of gin. - -- Edward Gorey -% -"Fucked by the finger of Fate!" -Bewailed a young fellow named Tate. - "Since dating Miss Baugh, - My whole tongue has been raw-- -It must have been something I ate." -% -In the case of a lady named Frost, -Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost, - It's the best part of valor - To bugger the gal, or -You're apt to fall in and get lost. -% -In the Garden of Eden lay Adam, -Complacently stroking his madam, - And loud was his mirth - For on all of the earth -There were only two balls -- and he had 'em. -% -It always delights me at Hank's -To walk up the old river banks. - One time in the grass - I stepped on an ass, -And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks." -% -It had snowed, and the man in the drift, -Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?" - They sat in her Bentley, - She fondled him gently, -And the lift that he'd asked for was swift! -% -The late Brigham Young was no neuter -- -No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter. - Where ten thousand virgins - Succumbed to his urgin's -There now stands the great State of Utah. -% -The latest reports from Good Hope -State that apes there have pricks thick as rope, - And fuck high, wide, and free, - From the top of one tree -To the top of the next -- what a scope! -% -The limerick, a verse form iniquitous, -Has nonetheless been ubiquitous. - Once Congress in session, - Declared its suppression, -But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter. -% -The limerick is furtive and mean; -You must keep her in close quarantine, - Or she sneaks to the slums - And promptly becomes -Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. - -- Morris Bishop -% -The old archeologist, Throstle, -Discovered a marvelous fossil. - He knew from its bend - And the knot on the end, -T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle. -% -There once was a bishop from Birmingham -Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em. - As they knelt on the hassock - He lifted his cassock -And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em. -% -There once was a boy named Carruthers -Who was busily fucking his mother - "I know it's a sin," - He said, shoving it in, -"But it's better than blowing my brother." -% -There once was a chick named Longet, -Who went out to Aspen to play. - Along came a Spyder, - Who sat down beside her -And she blew the poor bastard away. -% -There once was a clergyman's daughter -Who detested the pony he bought her, - Till she found that its dong - Was as hard and as long -As the prayers her father had taught her. - -She married a fellow named Tony -Who soon found her fucking the pony. - Said he, "What's it got, - My dear, that I've not?" -Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna." -% -There once was a couple named Kelley, -Who lived their life belly to belly. - Because in their haste - They used library paste, -Instead of petroleum jelly. -% -There once was a dentist named Stone -Who saw all his patients alone. - In a fit of depravity - He filled the wrong cavity, -And my, how his practice has grown! -% -There once was a Duchess of Beever -Who slept with her golden retriever. - Said the potted old Duke: - "Such tricks make me puke! -Were it not for her money, I'd leave her." -% -There once was a Duchess of Bruges -Whose cunt was incredibly huge. - Said the king to this dame - As he thunderously came: -"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!" -% -There once was a fag of Khartoum -Who spent the night in a Lesbian's room. - They argued all night, - Over who had the right, -To do what, and with which, and to whom. -% -There once was a fairy named Avers -Who encircled his cock with lifesavers. - Though buggers all claimed - That their asses were maimed, -Sixty-niners all cheered the new flavors. -% -There once was a fellow named Bob -Who in sexual ways was a snob. - One day he was swimmin' - With twelve naked women -And deserted them all for a gob. -% -There once was a fellow named Brewster -Who said to his wife, as he goosed her, - "It used to be grand - But look at my hand -You're not wiping as clean as ya uster." -% -There once was a fellow named Howard, -Whose tool it was nuclear-powered, - While grabbing some ass, - He reached critical mass, -But think of the girl he deflowered! -% -There once was a fellow named Potts -Who was prone to having the trots - But his humble abode - Was without a commode -So his carpet was covered with spots. -% -There once was a fellow named Siegel -Who attempted to bugger a beagle, - But the mettlesome bitch - Turned and said with a twitch, -"It's fun, but you know it's illegal." -% -There once was a fencer named Fisk, -Whose speed was incredibly brisk. - So fast was his action, - The Fitzgerald contraction, -Foreshortened his foil to a disk. -% -There once was a fiesty young terrier -Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. - He'd yip and he'd yap, - Then leap up and snap; -And the fairer the derriere the merrier. -% -There once was a floozie named Annie -Whose prices were cosy--but cannie: - A buck for a fuck, - Fifty cents for a suck, -And a dime for a feel of her fanny. -% -There once was a freshman named Lin, -Whose tool was as thin as a pin, - A virgin named Joan - From a bible belt home, -Said "This won't be much of a sin." -% -There once was a gangster named Brown -- the sneakiest bastard in town. - He was caught by G-men - Shooting his semen -Where the cops would slip and fall down. -% -There once was a gaucho named Bruno, -Who said, "About sex, well, I do know, - Sheep are just fine, - Chickens, divine, -But iguanas are Numero Uno." -% -There once was a gay young Parisian -Who screwed an appendix incision, - And the girl of his choice - Could hardly rejoice -At the horrible lack of precision. -% -There once was a girl from Cornell -Whose teats were shaped like a bell. - When you touched them they shrunk, - Except when she was drunk, -And then they got bigger than hell. -% -There once was a girl from Decatur, -Who got laid by a big alligator. - Now nobody knew - The result of that screw, -'Cause after he laid her, he ate her. -% -There once was a girl from Madras -Who had such a beautiful ass - - It was not round and pink - (As you bastards think) -But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. -% -There once was a girl from Spokane, -Went to bed with a one-legged man. - She said, "I know you-- - You've really got two! -Why didn't you say so when we began?" -% -There once was a girl named Irene -Who lived on distilled kerosene - But she started absorbin' - A new hydrocarbon -And since then has never benzene. -% -There once was a girl named Louise -Who cunt hair hung down to her knees - The crabs in her twat - Tied the hairs in a knot -And constructed a flying trapeze -% -There once was a girl named Mcgoffin -Who was diddled amazingly often. - She was rogered by scores - Who'd been turned down by whores, -And was finally screwed in her coffin. -% -There once was a girl named Priscilla -Whose vagina was flavored vanilla. - The taste was so fine - Man and beast stood in line -(Including a stud armadilla). -% -There once was a girl so lovely, -Who wanted to make love in the bubbly, - She strapped on her tanks, - And started her pranks, -But the lobsters all thought she was ugly. -% -There once was a golfer named Leer, -Who got put in the clink for a year, - For an action obscene, - On the very first green. -Where the sign said "Enter course here." -% -There once was a gouty old colonel -Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal, - And he cried in his tiffin - For his prick wouldn't stiffen, -And the size of the thing was infernal. -% -There once was a guardsman from Buckingham -Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em. - But when I meet boys, - God! how I enjoys -Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em." -% -There once was a hacker named Ken -Who inherited truckloads of Yen. - So he built him some chicks, - Of silicon chips, -And hasn't been heard from since then. -% -There once was a handsome young seaman -Who with ladies was really a demon. - In peace or in war, - At sea or on shore, -He could certainly dish out the semen. -% -There once was a horny old bitch -With a motorized self-frigger which - She would use with delight - All day long and all night - -Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch. -% -There once was a horse named Lily -Whose dingus was really a dilly. - It was vaginoid duply, - And labial quadruply -- -In fact, he was really a filly. -% -There once was a husky young Viking -Whose sexual prowess was striking. - Every time he got hot - He would scour the twat -Of some girl that might be to his liking. -% -There once was a jolly old bloke -Who picked up a girl for a poke. - He took down her pants, - Fucked her into a trance, -And then shit into her shoe for a joke. -% -There once was a kiddie named Carr -Caught a man on top of his mar. - As he saw him stick 'er, - He said with a snicker, -"You do it much faster than par." -% -There once was a lady from Kansas -Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas. - It was nine inches deep - And the sides were quite steep -- -It had whiskers like General Carranza's. -% -There once was a lady named Carter, -Fell in love with a virile young Tartar. - She stripped off his pants, - At his prick quickly glanced, -And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!" -% -There once was a lady named Clair, -Who possessed a magnificent pair. - Or that's what I thought, - Till I saw one get caught, -On a thorn and begin losing air. -% -There once was a lady named Myrtle -Who had an affair with a turtle. - She had crabs, so they say, - In a year and a day -Which proved that that turtle was fertile. -% -There once was a lawyer named Rex -With minuscule organs of sex. - Arraigned for exposure, - He maintained with composure, -"De minimis non curat lex." - - [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.] -% -There once was a lifeguard named Lee -Who rescued a girl from the sea - She asked how to pay, - And he said "Try this way, -Go down for the third time on me." -% -There once was a maid from Mobile -Whose cunt was made of blue steel. - She only got thrills - From pneumatic drills -And an off-centered emery wheel. -% -There once was a man from Bombay -He would do it all night and all day - He soon became sore - You shoulda' heard him roar -When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay! -% -There once was a man from Calcutta -Who used to beat off in the gutta - The heat of the sun - Affected his gun -And turned all his cream into butta! -% -There once was a man from Dunoon, -Who always ate soup with a fork. - He said "When I eat - Either fish, foul or flesh, -I otherwise finish too quick." -% -There once was a man from Nantucket -Who kept all his cash in a bucket. - His daughter, named Nan, - Ran away with a man, -And as for the bucket, Nantucket. - -The pair of them went to Manhasset, -(Nan and the man with the asset.) - Pa followed them there, - But they left in a tear, -And as for the asset, Manhasset. - -Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket, -(Nan and the man with the bucket.) - Pa said to the man, - "You're welcome to Nan." -But as for the bucket, Pawtucket. -% -There once was a man from Racine, -Who invented a screwing machine. - Both concave and convex, - It could please either sex, -But, oh, what a bastard to clean! -% -There once was a man from Sandem -Who was making his girl on a tandem. - At the peak of the make - She jammed on the brake -And scattered his semen at random. -% -There once was a man from Sydney -Who could put it up to her kidney. - But the man from Quebec - Put it up to her neck; -He had a big one, now didn't he? -% -There once was a man named McGruder, -Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder. - But the girl thought it crude, - To be wooed in the nude, -So McGru took an oar and subduder. -% -There once was a man named McSweeny -Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney. - So just to be couth, - He added vermouth, -And slipped his best girl a martini. -% -There once was a man named Parridge -With peculiar views on marriage. - He sucked off his brother, - Fucked his own mother, -And gobbled his sister's miscarriage. -% -There once was a man with a hernia -Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya, - When you work on my middle - Be sure you don't fiddle -With things that do not concern ya." -% -There once was a member of Mensa -Who was a most excellent fencer. - The sword that he used - Was his -- (line is refused, -And has now been removed by the censor). -% -There once was a miner named Dave, -Who kept a dead whore in his cave. - She was ugly as shit, - And missing one tit, -But think of the money he saves. -% -There once was a monk of Camyre -Who was seized with a carnal desire - And the primary cause - Was the abbess's drawers -Which were hung up to dry by the fire. -% -There once was a newspaper vendor, -A person of dubious gender. - He would charge one-and-two - For permission to view -His remarkable double pudenda. -% -There once was a plumber from Leigh -Who was plumbing his maid by the sea. - Said she, "Please stop plumbing, - I think someone's coming!" -Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me." -% -There once was a pretty young Mrs. -Whose tearful but short story thrs. - Her mind lost its grasp - - Now she thinks she's an asp -And just sits in the corner and hrs. -% -There once was a queen of Bulgaria -Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, - Till a prince from Peru - Who came up for a screw -Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. -% -There once was a reverend at Kings -Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things. - But his heart was on fire - For a boy in the choir -Whose buns were like jelly on springs. -% -There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel -Who said, "They can all go to hell! - What they do to my wife -- - Why it ruins my life; -And the worst is they all do it well." -% -There once was a sailor named Gasted, -A swell guy, as long as he lasted, - He could jerk himself off - In a basket, aloft, -Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead. -% -There once was a Scot named McAmeter -With a tool of prodigious diameter. - But it wasn't the size - That caused such surprise; -'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. -% -There once was a son-of-a-bitch, -Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich, - Yet the girls he would dazzle, - And fuck to a frazzle, -And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch! -% -There once was a spaceman named Spock -Who had a huge Vulcanized cock. - A girl from Missouri - Whose name was Uhura -Just fainted away from the shock. -% -There once was a Swede in Minneapolis, -Discovered his sex life was hapless: - The more he would screw - The more he'd want to, -And he feared he would soon be quite sapless. -% -There once was a Usenetter named Mark, -Whose gender was kept in the dark. - He/she/it said with a nod, - "My ancestors were odd!" -Did Noah need two for the ark? -% -There once was a whore from Regina -Who had a stupendous vagina. - To save herself time, - She had six at a time, -And another one working behind her. -% -There once was a woman from Arden -Who sucked off a man in a garden. - He said, "My dear Flo, - Where does all that stuff go?" -And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?" -% -There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield -Engaged to look after the deacon's field, - But he lurked in the ditches - And diddled the bitches -Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field. -% -There once was a young girl from Natches -Who chanced to be born with two snatches - She often said, "Shit! - I'd give either tit -For a guy with equipment that matches." -% -There once was a young man from Boston -Who drove around town in an Austin, - There was room for his ass, - And a gallon of gas, -So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em. -% -There once was a young man from France -Who waited ten years for his chance; -Then he muffed it... -% -There once was a young man from Yuma -Who attempted sex with a puma - He gave up real quick - Minus nose, toes, and prick -In obvious pain and ill huma. -% -There once was a young man from Yuma, -Who told an elephant joke to a puma. - Now his dry bleached bones lie, - Under hot Asian skies, -'Cause the puma had no sense of huma. -% -There once was a young man named Clyde -Who fell in an outhouse, and died. - He had a twin brother - Who fell in another -And now they're interred side by side. -% -There once was a young man named Lancelot -Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot - For when he should pass - A desirable lass -The front of his pants would advance a lot. -% -There once was an Arpanet freak, -Who better response-time did seek. - He searched coast to coast, - For a reliable host, -Whose logger took less than a week. -% -There once was an old man from Esser, -Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. - It at last grew so small, - He knew nothing at all, -And now he's a College Professor. -% -There once were two brothers named Luntz -Who buggered each other at once. - When asked to account - For this intricate mount, -They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts." -% -There was a bluestocking in Florence -Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, - Till a Spanish grandee, - Got her off with his knee, -And she burned all her works with abhorrence. -% -There was a family named Doe, -An ideal family to know. - As father screwed mother, - She said, "You're heavier than brother." -And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!" -% -There was a fat lady of China -Who'd a really enormous vagina, - And when she was dead - They painted it red, -And used it for docking a liner. -% -There was a fat man from Rangoon -Whose prick was much like a balloon. - He tried hard to ride her - And when finally inside her -She thought she was pregnant too soon. -% -There was a gay countess of Bray, -And you may think it odd when I say, - That in spite of high station, - Rank and education, -She always spelled cunt with a "k." -% -There was a gay dog from Ontario -Who fancied himself a Lothario. - At a wench's glance - He'd snatch off his pants -And make for her Mons Venerio. -% -There was a gay parson of Norton -Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un. - To make up for this loss, - He had balls like a horse, -And never spent less than a quartern. -% -There was a gay parson of Tooting -Whose roe he was frequently shooting, - Till he married a lass - With a face like my arse, -And a cunt you could put a top-boot in. -% -There was a lewd fellow named Duff -Who loved to dive deep in the muff. - With his head in a whirl - He said, "Spread it, Pearl; -I cunt get enough of the stuff!" -% -There was a man from Mich. -Who used to wish and wich. - That spring would come - So he could bum -Around and go out fich. -% -There was a pianist named Liszt -Who played with one hand while he pissed, - But as he grew older - His technique grew bolder, -And in concert jacked off with his fist. -% -There was a poor parson from Goring, -Who made a small hole in his flooring, - Fur-lined it all round, - Then laid on the ground, -And declared it was cheaper than whoring. -% -There was a strong man of Drumrig -Who one day did seven times frig. - He buggered three sailors, - Four dogs and two tailors, -And ended by fucking a pig. -% -There was a teenager named Donna -Who never said, "No, I don't wanna." - Two days out of three - She would shoot LSD, -And on weekends she smoked marijuana. -% -There was a young belle of old Natchez -Whose garments were always in patchez. - When comment arose - On the state of her clothes -She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez." -% -There was a young blade from South Greece -Whose bush did so greatly increase - That before he could shack - He must hunt needle in stack. -'Twas as bad as being obese. -% -There was a young bride, a Canuck, -Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck. - You say that I, maybe, - Can have my first baby-- -Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!" -% -There was a young bride of Antigua -Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!" - Said the girl, "What damn'd rot! - Why, you've only felt my twot, -My legs and my arse and my figua!" -% -There was a young chap in Arabia -Who courted a widow named Fabia. - "Yes, my tongue is as long - As the average man's dong," -He said, licking the lips of her labia. -% -There was a young cook with the art -Of making a delicious tart - With a handful of shit, - Some snot and some spit, -And he'd flavor the whole with a fart. -% -There was a young curate whose brain -Was deranged from the use of cocaine; - He lured a small child - To a copse dark and wild, -Where he beat it to death with his cane. - -- Edward Gorey -% -There was a young damsel named Baker -Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker. - He yelled, "My God! what - Do you call this -- a twat? -Why, the entrance is more than an acre!" -% -There was a young dolly named Molly -Who thought that to frig was a folly. - Said she, "Your pee-pee - Means nothing to me, -But I'll do it just to be jolly." -% -There was a young fellow from Cal., -In bed with a passionate gal. - He leapt from the bed, - To the toilet he sped; -Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?" -% -There was a young fellow from Florida -Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her. - When they got into bed - He cried, "God strike me dead! -This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!" -% -There was a young fellow from Leeds -Who swallowed a package of seeds. - Great tufts of grass - Sprouted out of his ass -And his balls were all covered with weeds. -% -There was a young fellow from Parma -Who was solemnly screwing his charmer. - Said the damsel demure, - "You'll excuse me, I'm sure, -But I must say you fuck like a farmer." -% -There was a young fellow name Tucker -Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker, - Said, "Don't bow out your lips - Like an elephant's hips, -The boys like it best when they pucker." -% -There was a young fellow named Ades -Whose favorite fruit was young maids. - But sheep, nigger boys, whores, - And the knot holes in doors -Were by no means exempt from his raids. -% -There was a young fellow named Babbitt -Who could screw nine times like a rabbit, - But a girl from Johore - Could do it twice more, -Which was just enough extra to crab it. -% -There was a young fellow named Bill, -Who took an atomic pill, - His navel corroded, - His asshole exploded, -And they found his nuts in Brazil. -% -There was a young fellow named Blaine, -And he screwed some disgusting old jane. - She was ugly and smelly - With an awful pot-belly, -But... well, they were caught in the rain. -% -There was a young fellow named Bliss -Whose sex life was strangely amiss, - For even with Venus - His recalcitrant penis -Would never do better than t - h - i - s - . -% -There was a young fellow named Bowen -Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'. - It grew so tremendous, - So long and so pendulous, -'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'. -% -There was a young fellow named Brewer -Whose girl made her home in a sewer. - Thus he, the poor soul, - Could get into her hole, -And still not be able to screw her! -% -There was a young fellow named Case -Who entered a cunt-lapping race. - He licked his way clean - Through Number thirteen, -But then slipped and got pissed in the face. -% -There was a young fellow named Charteris -Put his hand where his young lady's garter is. - Said she, "I don't mind, - And higher up you'll find -The place where my fucker and farter is." -% -There was a young fellow named Cribbs -Whose cock was so big it had ribs. - They were inches apart, - And to suck it took art, -While to fuck it took forty-two trips. -% -There was a young fellow named dick -Who had a magnificent prick. - It was shaped like a prism - And shot so much gism -It made every cocksucker sick. -% -There was a young fellow named Feeney -Whose girl was a terrible meany. - The hatch of her snatch - Had a catch that would latch -- She could only be screwed by Houdini. -% -There was a young fellow named Fletcher, -Was reputed an infamous lecher. - When he'd take on a whore - She'd need a rebore, -And they'd carry him out on a stretcher. -% -There was a young fellow named Fyfe -Whose marriage was ruined for life, - For he had an aversion - To every perversion, -And only liked fucking his wife. - -Well, one year the poor woman struck, -And she wept, and she cursed at her luck, - And said, "Where have you gotten us - With your goddamn monotonous -Fuck after fuck after fuck? - -"I once knew a harlot named Lou -- -And a versatile girl she was, too. - After ten years of whoredom - She perished of boredom -When she married a jackass like you!" -% -There was a young fellow named Gene -Who first picked his asshole quite clean. - He next picked his toes, - And lastly his nose, -And he never did wash in between. -% -There was a young fellow named Gluck -Who found himself shit out of luck. - Though he petted and wooed, - When he tried to get screwed -He found virgins just don't give a fuck. -% -There was a young fellow named Goody -Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he? - If he found himself nude - With a gal in the mood -The question's not woody but could he? -% -There was a young fellow named Grant -Who was made like the sensitive plant. - When they asked "Do you fuck?" - He replied, "No such luck. -I would if I could, but I can't." -% -There was a young fellow named Grimes -Who fucked his girl seventeen times - In the course of a week -- - And this isn't to speak -Of assorted venereal crimes. -% -There was a young fellow named Harry, -Had a joint that was long, huge and scary. - He grabbed him a virgin, - Who, without any urgin', -Immediately spread like a fairy. -% -There was a young fellow named Hatch -Who was fond of the music of Bach. - He said: "It's not fussy - Like Brahms and Debussy; -Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch." -% -There was a young fellow named Kimble -Whose prick was exceedingly nimble, - But fragile and slender, - And dainty and tender, -So he kept it encased in a thimble. -% -There was a young fellow named Meek -Who invented a lingual technique. - It drove women frantic, - And made them romantic, -And wore all the hair off his cheek. -% -There was a young fellow named Morgan -Who possessed an unusual organ: - The end of his dong, - Which was nine inches long, -Was tipped with the head of a gorgon. -% -There was a young fellow named Paul -Who confessed, "I have only one ball. - But the size of my prick - Is God's dirtiest trick, -For my girls always ask, `Is that all?'" -% -There was a young fellow named Pell -Who didn't like cunt very well. - He would finger or fuck one, - But never would suck one-- -He just couldn't get used to the smell. -% -There was a young fellow named Price -Who dabbled in all sorts of vice. - He had virgins and boys - And mechanical toys, -And on Mondays... he meddled with mice! -% -There was a young fellow named Prynne -Whose prick was so short and so thin, - His wife found she needed - A Fuckoscope -- she did -- -To see if he'd gotten it in. -% -There was a young fellow named Skinner -Who took a young lady to dinner - At a quarter to nine, - They sat down to dine, -At twenty to ten it was in her. -The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner. - -There was a young fellow named Tupper -Who took a young lady to supper. - At a quarter to nine, - They sat down to dine, -And at twenty to ten it was up her. -Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner! -% -There was a young fellow named Sweeney, -Whose girl was a terrible meanie, - The hatch of her snatch, - Had a catch that would latch, -She could only be screwed by Houdini. -% -There was a young fellow of Burma -Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur. - But now that he's married he's - Been using cantharides -And the root of their love is much firmer. -% -There was a young fellow of Greenwich -Whose balls were all covered with spinach. - He had such a tool - It was wound on a spool, -And he reeled it out inich by inich. - -But this tale has an unhappy finich, -For due to the sand in the spinach - His ballocks grew rough - And wrecked his wife's muff, -And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage. -% -There was a young fellow of Harrow -Whose john was the size of a marrow. - He said to his tart, - "How's this for a start? -My balls are outside in a barrow." -% -There was a young fellow of Kent -Whose prick was so long that it bent, - So to save himself trouble - He put it in double, -And instead of coming he went. -% -There was a young fellow of Mayence -Who fucked his own arse in defiance - Not only of custom - And morals, dad-bust him, -But of most of the known laws of science. -% -There was a young fellow of Perth -Whose balls were the finest on earth. - They grew to such size - That one won a prize, -And goodness knows what they were worth. -% -There was a young fellow of Strensall -Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil. - On the night of his wedding - It went through the bedding, -And shattered the chamber utensil. -% -There was a young fellow of Warwick -Who had reason for feeling euphoric, - For he could by election - Have triune erection: -Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric. -% -There was a young fellow whose dong -Was prodigiously massive and long. - On each side of his whang - Two testes did hang -That attracted a curious throng. -% -There was a young German named Ringer -Who was screwing an opera singer. - Said he with a grin, - "Well, I've sure got it in!" -Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?" -% -There was a young girl from Annista -Who dated a lecherous mister. - He fondled her titty, - Got one finger shitty, -Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er. -% -There was a young girl from Decatur -Who was raped by an alligator. - But no one quite knew - How she relished that screw, -For after he screwed her, he ate her. -% -There was a young girl from Dundee, -From her fanny there grew a plum tree. - No one ate the nice fruit, - To tell you the truth, -Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot. -% -There was a young girl from Hong Kong -Who said, "You are utterly wrong - To say my vagina - Is the largest in China -Just because of your mean little dong." -% -There was a young girl from Hong Kong -Whose cervical cap was a gong. - She said with a yell, - As a shot rang her bell, -"I'll give you a ding for a dong!" -% -There was a young girl from Medina -Who could completely control her vagina. - She could twist it around - Like the cunts that are found -In Japan, Manchukuo and China. -% -There was a young girl from New York -Who plugged up her cunt with a cork. - A woodpecker or two - Made the grade it is true, -But it totally baffled the stork. - -Till along came a man who presented -A tool that was strangely indented. - With a dizzying twirl - He punctured that girl, -And thus was the cork-screw invented. -% -There was a young girl from Peru, -Who had nothing whatever to do. - So she sat on the stairs, - And counted cunt hairs, -Four thousand, three hundred and two. -% -There was a young girl from Peru, -Who noticed her lovers were few; - So she walked out her door - With a fig leaf, no more, -And now she's in bed - with the flu. -% -There was a young girl from Samoa -Who pledged that no man would know her. - One young fellow tried, - But she wriggled aside, -And he spilled all his spermatozoa. -% -There was a young girl from Seattle, -Whose hobby was sucking off cattle. - But a bull from the South - Shot a wad in her mouth -That made both her ovaries rattle. -% -There was a young girl from Siam -Who said to her boyfriend Priam, - "To seduce me, of course, - You'll have to use force, -And thank goodness you're stronger than I am. -% -There was a young girl from St. Cyr -Whose reflex reactions were queer. - Her escort said, "Mable, - Get up off the table; -That money's to pay for the beer." -% -There was a young girl from St. Paul -Who went to a newspaper ball. - Her dress caught on fire - And burnt her entire -Front page and sport section and all. -% -There was a young girl from the Bronix -Who had a vagina of onyx. - She had so much `tsoris' - With her clitoris, -She traded it in for a Packard. -% -There was a young girl from the coast -Who, just when she needed it most, - Lost her Kotex and bled - All over the bed, -And the head and the beard of her host. -% -There was a young girl in Berlin -Who eked out a living through sin. - She didn't mind fucking, - But much preferred sucking, -And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin. -% -There was a young girl in Berlin -Who was fucked by an elderly Finn. - Though he diddled his best, - And fucked her with zest, -She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?" -% -There was a young girl in Dakota -Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her: - "In addition to gas - We are rationing ass, -And you've greatly exceeded your quota." -% -There was a young girl name McKnight -Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night. - She came to in bed, - With a split maidenhead-- -That's the last time she ever was tight. -% -There was a young girl named Ann Heuser -Who swore that no man could surprise her. - But Pabst took a chance, - Found a Schlitz in her pants, -And now she is sadder Budweiser. -% -There was a young girl named Heather -Whose twitcher was made out of leather. - She made a queer noise, - Which attracted the boys, -By flapping the edges together. -% -There was a young girl named McCall -Whose cunt was exceedingly small, - But the size of her anus - Was something quite heinous -- -It could hold seven pricks and one ball. -% -There was a young girl named O'Clare -Whose body was covered with hair. - It was really quite fun - To probe with one's gun, -For her quimmy might be anywhere. -% -There was a young girl named O'Malley -Who wanted to dance in the ballet. - She got roars of applause - When she kicked off her drawers, -But her hair and her bush didn't tally. -% -There was a young girl named Sapphire -Who succumbed to her lover's desire. - She said, "It's a sin, - But now that it's in, -Could you shove it a few inches higher?" -% -There was a young girl of Aberystwyth -Who screwed every man that she kissed with. - She tickled the balls - Of the men in the halls, -And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with. -% -There was a young girl of Aberystwyth -Who took grain to the mill to get grist with. - The miller's sun, Jack, - Laid her flat on her back, -And united the organs they pissed with. -% -There was a young girl of Angina -Who stretched catgut across her vagina. - From the love-making frock - (With the proper sized cock) -Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor. -% -There was a young girl of Asturias -With a penchant for practices curious. - She loved to bat rocks - With her gentlemen's cocks -- -A practice both rude and injurious. -% -There was a young girl of Batonger -who diddled herself with a conger, - When asked how it feels - To be pleasured by eels -She said, "Just like a man, only longer. -% -There was a young girl of Cah'lina, -Had a very capricious vagina: - To the shock of the fucker - "Twould suddenly pucker, -And whistle the chorus of "Dinah." -% -There was a young girl of Cape Cod -Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God. - But it wasn't Jehovah - That turned the girl over, -'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger, - the bugger, the bastard, the sod! -% -There was a young girl of Cape Town -Who usually fucked with a clown. - He taught her the trick - Of sucking his prick, -And when it went up -- she went down. -% -There was a young girl of Coxsaxie -Whose skirt was more mini than maxi. - She was fucked at the show - In the twenty-third row, -And once more going home in the taxi. -% -There was a young girl of Darjeeling -Who could dance with such exquisite feeling - There was never a sound - For miles around -Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. -% -There was a young girl of Des Moines -Whose cunt could be fitted with coins, - Till a guy from Hoboken - Went and dropped in a token, -And now she rides free on the ferry. -% -There was a young girl of Detroit -Who at fucking was very adroit: - She could squeeze her vagina - To a pin-point, or finer, -Or open it out like a quoit. - -And she had a friend named Durand -Whose cock could contract or expand. - He could diddle a midge - Or the arch of a bridge -- -Their performance together was grand! -% -There was a young girl of East Lynne -Whose mother, to save her from sin, - Had filled up her crack, - To the brim with shellac, -But the boys picked it out with a pin. -% -There was a young girl of Gibraltar -Who was raped as she knelt at the altar. - It really seems odd - That a virtuous God -Should answer her prayers and assault her. -% -There was a young girl of LLewellyn -Whose breasts were as big as a melon. - They were big it is true, - But her cunt was big too, -Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view -Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan. -% -There was a young girl of Mobile, -Who hymen was made of chilled steel, - To give her a thrill, - Took a rotary drill, -Or a number nine emery wheel. -% -There was a young girl of Moline -Whose fucking was sweet and obscene. - She would work on a prick - With every known trick, -And finish by winking it clean. -% -There was a young girl of Newcastle -Whose charms were declared universal. - While one man in front - Wired into her cunt, -Another was engaged at her arsehole. -% -There was a young girl of Pawtucket -Whose box was as big as a bucket. - Her boy-friend said, "Toots, - I'll have to wear boots, -For I see I must muck it, not fuck it." -% -There was a young girl of Penzance -Who boarded a bus in a trance. - The passengers fucked her, - Likewise the conductor, -While the driver shot off in his pants. -% -There was a young girl of Pitlochry -Who was had by a man in a rockery. - She said, "Oh! You've come - All over my bum; -This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery." -% -There was a young girl of Rangoon -Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon. - "Well, it has been great fun," - She remarked when he'd done, -"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon." -% -There was a young girl of Spitzbergen, -Whose people all thought her a virgin, - Till they found her in bed - With her twat very red, -And the head of a kid just emergin'. -% -There was a young girl, very sweet, -Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat. - When she sat on their lap - She unbuttoned their flap, -And always had plenty to eat. -% -There was a young girl who begat -Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat. - It was fun in the breeding, - But hell in the feeding, -When she found there was no tit for Tat. -% -There was a young harlot from Kew -Who filled her vagina with glue. - She said with a grin, - "If they pay to get in, -They'll pay to get out of it too." -% -There was a young harlot named Schwartz -Whose cock-pit was studded with warts, - And they tickled so nice - She drew a high price -From the studs at the summer resorts. - -Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle, -Was seldom hard up for a diddle, - For according to rumor - His tool had a tumor -And a fine row of warts down the middle. -% -There was a young hayseed from Tiffan -Whose cock would constantly stiffen. - The knob out in front - Attracted foul cunt -Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'. -% -There was a young idler named Blood, -Made a fortune performing at stud, - With a fifteen-inch peter, - A double-beat metre, -And a load like the Biblical Flood. -% -There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway -Whose screams could be heard for a block away. - Perceiving his error, - The Rabbi in terror -Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!" -% -There was a young lad from Siam, -Whose sex life was caught in a jam. - He loved them real small, - 'Cause they're funner to ball, -So he went out and bought him a lamb! -% -There was a young lad name of Durcan -Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. - His father said, "Durcan! - Stop jerkin' your gherkin! -Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. -% -There was a young lad name of Ward -Who strung himself up with a cord - Said he, of his work - (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk) -"I am leaving because I am bored." - -- E. A. Guest -% -There was a young lad named McFee -Who was stung in the balls by a bee - He made oodles of money - By oozing pure honey -Every time he attempted to pee. -% -There was a young lady at sea -Who complained that it hurt her to pee. - Said the brawny old mate, - "That accounts for the state -Of the cook and the captain and me." -% -There was a young lady called Ciss -Who went to the river to piss. - A young man in a punt - Put his hand on her cunt; -No wonder she thought it was bliss. -% -There was a young lady from Bangor -Who slept while the ship lay at anchor - She woke in dismay - When she heard the mate say: -"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!" -% -There was a young lady from Bristol -Who went to the Palace called Crystal. - Said she, "It's all glass, - And as round as my ass," -And she farted as loud as a pistol. -% -There was a young lady from Brussels -Who was proud of her vaginal muscles. - She could easily plex them - And so interflex them -As to whistle love songs through her bustles. -% -There was a young lady from Drew -Who ended her verse at line two. -% -There was a young lady from Dumfries -Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze! - My navel's all bare, - So stick it in there, -Before both my legs and my bum freeze." -% -There was a young lady from Exeter, -So pretty that men craned their necks at her. - One was even so brave - As to take out and wave -The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. -% -There was a young lady from Hyde -Who ate a green apple and died. - While her lover lamented - The apple fermented -And made cider inside her inside. -% -There was a young lady from Maine -Who claimed she had men on her brain. - But you knew from the view, - As her abdomen grew, -It was not on her brain that he'd lain. -% -There was a young lady from Munich -Who had an affair with a eunuch. - At the height of their passion - He dealt her a ration -From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic. -% -There was a young lady from Norway -Who hung by her heels in a doorway. - She told her young man, - "Get off the divan, -I think I've discovered one more way" -% -There was a young lady from Prentice -Who had an affair with a dentist. - To make things easier - He used anesthesia, -And diddled her, `non compos mentis'. -% -There was a young lady from Rheims -Who amazingly pissed in four streams. - A friend poked around - And a fly-button found -Lodged tight in her hole so it seems. -% -There was a young lady from Rio -Who slept with the Fornier trio. - As she dropped her panties - She said, "No andantes, -I want this allegro con brio!" -% -There was a young lady from Siam -Who said to her lover, one Kiam, - "You may kiss me of course, - But you'll have to use force. -Though god knows you're stronger than I am." -% -There was a young lady from Spain -Who demurely undressed on a train. - A helpful young porter - Helped more than he orter, -And she promptly cried "Help me again" -% -There was a young lady from Spain -Who got sick as she rode on a train; - Not once, but again, - And again, and again, -And again, and again, and again. -% -There was a young lady from Spain -Whose face was exceedingly plain, - But her cunt had a pucker - That made the men fuck her, -Again, and again, and again. -% -There was a young lady from Troy -Had a moustache, just like a young boy - Though it tickled to kiss - 'Twas a source of much bliss -When she used it to brush a man's toy. -% -There was a young lady from Wheeling -Who claimed to lack sexual feeling. - But a cynic named Boris - Just touched her clitoris -And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. -% -There was a young lady from Wheeling -Who had a peculiar feeling. - She laid on her back - And tickled her crack -And pissed all over the ceiling. -% -There was a young lady from Wooster -Who complained that too many men gooster. - So she traded her scanties - For sandpaper panties, -Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter. -% -There was a young lady in Reno, -Who lost all her dough playing Keno. - But she lay on her back, - And opened her crack, -So now she owns the Casino! -% -There was a young lady named Alice -Who was known to have peed in a chalice. - 'Twas the common belief - It was done for relief, -And not out of protestant malice. -% -There was a young lady named Astor -Who never let any get past her. - She finally got plenty - By stopping twenty, -Which certainly ought to last her. -% -There was a young lady named Banker, -Who slept while the ship lay at anchor, - She woke in dismay, - When she heard the mate say, -"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker." -% -There was a young lady named Blount -Who had a rectangular cunt. - She learned for diversion - Posterior perversion, -Since no one could fit here in front. -% -There was a young lady named Bower -Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower. - But a poet from Perth - Laid her flat on the earth, -And proceeded with penis to plough her. -% -There was a young lady named Brent -With a cunt of enormous extent, - And so deep and so wide, - The acoustics inside -Were so good you could hear when you spent. -% -There was a young lady named Bright -Who could travel much faster than light. - She took off one day, - In a relative way, -And returned on the previous night. -% -There was a young lady named Brook -Who never could learn how to cook. - But on a divan - She could please any man- -She knew every darn trick in the book! -% -There was a young lady named Cager -Who, as the result of a wager, - Consented to fart - The entire oboe part -Of Mozart's quartet in F major. -% -There was a young lady named Ciss -Who said, "I think skating's a bliss" - But she'll never restate, - For a wheel off her skate -.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM -% -There was a young lady named Dot -Whose cunt was so terribly hot - That ten bishops of Rome - And the Pope's private gnome -Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat. -% -There was a young lady named Duff -With a lovely, luxuriant muff. - In his haste to get in her - One eager beginner -Lost both of his balls in the rough. -% -There was a young lady named Etta -Who was constantly seen in a swetta. - Three reasons she had: - To keep warm wasn't bad, -But the other two reasons were betta. -% -There was a young lady named Fleager -Who was terribly, terribly eager - To be all the rage - On the tragedy stage, -Though her talents were pitifully meagre. - -- Edward Gorey -% -There was a young lady named Flo -Whose lover had pulled out too slow. - So they tried it all night, - Till he got it just right... -Well, practice makes pregnant, you know. -% -There was a young lady named Flynn -Who thought fornication a sin, - But when she was tight - It seemed quite all right, -So everyone filled her with gin. -% -There was a young lady named Gilda -Who went on a date with a builder. - He said that he would, - And he could and he should, -And he did and it damn well near killed her. -% -There was a young lady named Gloria, -Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?" - She replied to the chap, - "I'll draw you a map, -Of where others have been to before ya." -% -There was a young lady named Grace -Who would not take a prick in her "place." - Though she'd kiss it and suck it, - She never would fuck it-- -She just couldn't relax face-to-face. -% -There was a young lady named Hall, -Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. - The dress caught on fire - And burned her entire -Front page, sporting section, and all. -% -There was a young lady named Hatch -Who would always come through in a scratch. - If a guy wouldn't neck her, - She'd grab up his pecker -And shove the damn thing up her snatch. -% -There was a young lady named Mable -Who liked to sprawl out on the table, - Then cry to her man, - "Stuff in all you can -- -Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able." -% -There was a young lady named Mandel -Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal - By coming out bare - On the main village square -And frigging herself with a candle. -% -There was a young lady named Maud, -A terrible society fraud: - In company, I'm told, - She was distant and cold, -But if you got her alone, Oh God! -% -There was a young lady named May -Who strolled in a park by the way, - And she met a young man - Who fucked her and ran -- -Now she goes to the park every day. -% -There was a young lady named Nance -Who learned about fucking in France, - And when you'd insert it - She'd squeeze till she hurt it, -And shoved it right back in your pants. -% -There was a young lady named Nelly -Whose tits would jiggle like jelly. - They could tickle her twat - Or be tied in a knot, -And could even swat flies on her belly. -% -There was a young lady named Ransom -Who was rogered three times in a hansom. - When she cried out for more - A voice from the floor -Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson." -% -There was a young lady named Riddle -Who had an untouchable middle. - She had many friends - Because of her ends, -Since it isn't the middle you diddle. -% -There was a young lady named Rose -Who fainted whenever she chose; - She did so one day - While playing croquet, -But was quickly revived with a hose. - -- Edward Gorey -% -There was a young lady named Rose -With erogenous zones in her toes. - She remained onanistic - Till a foot-fetishistic -Young man became one of her beaux. -% -There was a young lady named Schneider -Who often kept trysts with a spider. - She found a strange bliss, - In the hiss of her piss, -As it strained through the cobwebs inside her. -% -There was a young lady named Smith -Whose virtue was largely a myth. - She said, "Try as I can - I can't find a man -Who it's fun to be virtuous with." -% -There was a young lady named Twiss -Who said she thought fucking a bliss, - For it tickled her bum - And caused her to come -.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW -% -There was a young lady named Wylde -Who kept herself quite undefiled - By thinking of Jesus; - Contagious diseases; -And the bother of having a child. -% -There was a young lady of Arden, -The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden. - Said she with a frown, - "I've been sadly let down -By the tool of a fool in a garden." -% -There was a young lady of Bicester -Who was nicer by far than her sister: - The sister would giggle - And wiggle and jiggle, -But this one would come if you kissed her. -% -There was a young lady of Brabant -Who slept with an impotent savant. - She admitted, "We shouldn't, - But it turned out he couldn't- -So you can't say we have when we haven't." -% -There was a young lady of Bude -Who walked down the street in the nude. - A bobby said, "Whattum - Magnificent bottom!" -And slapped it as hard as he could. -% -There was a young lady of Carmia -Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya. - At every cold snap - She would climb in your lab, -So her little base burner could warm ya. -% -There was a young lady of Dee -Who went down to the river to pee. - A man in a punt - Put his hand on her cunt, -And God! how I wish it were me. -% -There was a young lady of Dee -Whose hymen was split into three. - And when she was diddled - The middle string fiddled: -"Nearer My God To Thee." -% -There was a young lady of Dexter -Whose husband exceedingly vexed her, - For whenever they'd start - He'd unfailingly fart -With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her. -% -There was a young lady of Dover -Whose passion was such that it drove her - To cry, when you came, - "Oh dear! What a shame! -Well, now we shall have to start over." -% -There was a young lady of Ealing -And her lover before her was kneeling. - Said she, "Dearest Jim, - Take your hands off my quim; -I much prefer fucking to feeling." -% -There was a young lady of fashion -Who had oodles and oodles of passion. - To her lover she said, - As they climbed into bed, -"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!" -% -There was a young lady of Fez -Who was known to the public as "Jez." - Jezebel was her name, - Sucking cocks was the game -She excelled at (so everyone says). -% -There was a young lady of Gaza -Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. - The crabs, in a lump, - Made tracks to her rump-- -This passing parade did amaze her. -% -There was a young lady of Gloucester, -Met a passionate fellow who tossed her. - She wasn't much hurt, - But he dirtied her skirt, -So think of the anguish it cost her. -% -There was a young lady of Gloucester -Whose friends they thought they had lost her - Till they found on the grass - The marks of her arse, -And the knees of the man who had crossed her. -% -There was a young lady of Kent, -Who admitted she knew what it meant - When men asked her to dine, - And plied her with wine, -She knew, oh she knew -- but she went! -% -There was a young lady of Lee -Who scrambled up into a tree, - When she got there - Her arsehole was bare, -And so was her C U N T. -% -There was a young lady of Lincoln -Who said that her cunt was a pink'un, - So she had a prick lent her - Which turned it magenta, -This artful old lady of Lincoln. -% -There was a young lady of Natchez -Who chanced to be born with two snatches, - And she often said, "Shit! - Why, I'd give either tit -For a man with equipment that matches." - -There was a young fellow named Locke -Who was born with a two-headed cock. - When he'd fondle the thing - It would rise up and sing -An antiphonal chorus by Bach. - -But whether these two ever met -Has not been recorded as yet, - Still, it would be diverting - To see him inserting -His whang while it sang a duet. -% -There was a young lady of Norway -Who hung by her toes in a doorway. - She said to her beau - "Just look at me Joe -I think I've discovered one more way." -% -There was a young lady of Rhyll -In an omnibus was taken ill, - So she called the conductor, - Who got in and fucked her, -Which did more good than a pill. -% -There was a young lady of Spain -Who took down her pants on a train. - There was a young porter - Saw more than he orter, -And asked her to do it again. -% -There was a young lady of Spain -Who was fucked by a monk in a drain. - They did it again - And again and again, -And again and again and again. -% -There was a young lady of Twickenham -Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em. - On her knees every day - To God she would pray -To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em. -% -There was a young lady of Wheeling -Said to her beau, "I've a feeling - My little brown jug - Has need of a plug" -- -And straightaway she started to peeling. -% -There was a young lady who said, -As her bridegroom got into the bed, - "I'm tired of this stunt, - That they do with one's cunt, -You can get up my bottom instead." -% -There was a young lady whose cunt -Could accommodate a small punt. - Her mother said, "Annie, - It matches your fanny, -Which never was that of a runt." -% -There was a young lady whose thighs, -When spread showed a slit of such size, - And so deep and so wide, - You could play cards inside, -Much to her bridegroom's surprise. -% -There was a young lass from Surat. -The cheeks of her ass were so fat - That they had to be parted - Whenever she farted, -And also whenever she shat. -% -There was a young laundress named Wrangle -Whose tits tilted up at an angle. - "They may tickle my chin," - She said with a grin, -"But at least they keep out of the mangle." -% -There was a young maiden from Osset -Whose quim was nine inches across it. - Said a young man named Tong, - With tool nine inches long, -"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it." -% -There was a young man from Bear Ridge -Who had strange ideas about marriage. - He fucked his wife's mother - And sucked off her brother -And ate up her sister's miscarriage. -% -There was a young man from Bel-Aire -Who was screwing his girl on the stair. - But the banister broke - So he doubled his stroke -And finished her off in mid-air. -% -There was a young man from Biloxi -Whose bowels responded to Moxie. - Drinking glass after glass, - He would tune up his ass, -Till he played like the band at the Roxy. -% -There was a young man from Bombay -Who fashioned a cunt out of clay - But the heat of his prick - Turned it into a brick -And rubbed all his foreskin away. -% -There was a young man from Calcutta -Who was heard in his beard to mutter, - "If her Bartholin glands - Don't respond to my hands, -I'm afraid I shall have to use butter." -% -There was a young man from Dallas -Who had an exceptional phallus. - He couldn't find room - In any girl's womb -Without rubbing it first with Vitalis. -% -There was a young man from Dundee -Who buggered an ape in a tree. - The results were quite horrid: - All ass and no forehead, -Three balls and a purple goatee. -% -There was a young man from East Lizes -Whose balls were of two different sizes - One was so small - It was no ball at all -The other was large and won prizes. -% -There was a young man from East Wubley -Whose cock was bifurcated doubly. - Each quadruplicate shaft - Had two balls hanging aft, -And the general effect was quite lovely. - -There was a young man from Hong Kong -Who had a trifurcated prong: - A small one for sucking, - A large one for fucking, -And a `boney' for beating a gong. -% -There was a young man from Glengozzle -Who found a remarkable fossil. - He knew by the bend - And the wart on the end, -'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle. -% -There was a young man from Jodhpur -Who found he could easily cure - His dread diabetes - By eating a foetus -Served up in a sauce of manure. -% -There was a young man from Kent -Whose tool was so long that it bent. - To save himself trouble - He put it in double -And instead of coming, he went. -% -There was a young man from Lynn -Whose cock was the size of a pin. - Said his girl with a laugh - As she felt his staff, -"This won't be much of a sin." -% -There was a young man from Maine -Whose prick was as strong as a crane; - It was almost as long, - So he strolled with his dong -Extended in sunshine and rain. -% -There was a young man from Nantucket -Whose cock was so long he could suck it. - But he looked in the glass, - And saw his own ass, -And broke his neck trying to fuck it. -% -There was a young man from Nantucket -Whose cock was so long he could suck it. - He said with a grin, - While wiping his chin, -"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." -% -There was a young man from New Haven -Who had an affair with a raven. - He said with a grin - As he wiped off his chin, -"Nevermore!" -% -There was a young man from Peru, -Who took a long trip by canoe. - While staring at Venus, - And rubbing his penis, -He wound up with a handful of goo. -% -There was a young man from Purdue -Who was only just learning to screw, - But he hadn't the knack, - And he got too far back -- -In the right church, but in the wrong pew. -% -There was a young man from Racine -Who invented a fucking machine. - Concave or convex, - It served either sex, -But oh what a bitch to keep clean. -% -There was a young man from Rangoon -Who used to lament 'neath the moon - That he had the luck - To be born of a fuck -That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon. -% -There was a young man from Salinas -Who had an extremely long penis: - Believe it or not, - When he lay on his cot -It reached from Marin to Martinez. -% -There was a young man from Seattle -Whose testicles tended to rattle. - He said as he fuck-ed - Some stones in a bucket, -"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll." -% -There was a young man from Siam -Who said, "I go in with a wham, - But I soon lose my starch - Like the mad month of March, -And the lion comes out like a lamb." -% -There was a young man from St. Paul's -Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's" - Till he grew such a passion - For feminine fashion -That he knitted a snood for his balls. -% -There was a young man from Stamboul -Who boasted so torrid a tool - That each female crater - Explored by this satyr -Seemed almost unpleasantly cool. -% -There was a young man from the Coast -Who had an affair with a ghost. - At the height of orgasm - Said the pallid phantasm, -"I think I can feel it -- almost!" -% -There was a young man from Tibet- -And this is the strangest one yet- - Whose tool was so long, - So pointed and strong, -He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette". -% -There was a young man in Havana, -Banged his girl on a player-piana. - At the height of their fever - Her ass hit the lever -And: yes, he has no banana. -% -There was a young man in Norway, -Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh, - But the air was so frigid - It froze his cock rigid, -And all he could come was frappe. -% -There was a young man in the choir -Whose penis rose higher and higher, - Till it reached such a height - It was quite out of sight -- -But of course you know I'm a liar. -% -There was a young man, name of Fred, -Who spent every Thursday in bed; - He lay with his feet - Outside of the sheet, -And the pillows on top of his head. - -- Edward Gorey -% -There was a young man, name of Saul, -Who was able to bounce either ball, - He could stretch them and snap them, - And juggle and clap them, -Which earned him the plaudits of all. -% -There was a young man named Crockett -Whose balls got caught in a socket. - His wife was a bitch - So she threw the switch, -And Crockett went off like a rocket. -% -There was a young man named Hughes -Who swore off all kinds of booze. - He said, "When I'm muddled - My senses get fuddled, -And I pass up too many screws." -% -There was a young man named Knute -Who had warts all over his root. - He put acid on these - And now when he pees, -He fingers the thing like a flute. -% -There was a young man named Rex -Who really was small for his sex. - When tried for exposure - The judge's disclosure -Was "de minimus non curat lex." -% -There was a young man named Zerubbabel -Who had only one real, and one rubber ball. - When they asked if his pleasure - Was only half measure, -He replied, "That is highly improbable." -% -There was a young man named Zerubbabub -Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club - But the pride of his life - Were the tits of his wife -- -One real, and one India-rubber bub. -% -There was a young man of Arras -Who stretched himself out on the grass, - And with no little trouble, - He bent himself double, -And stuck his prick well up his ass. -% -There was a young man of Australia -Who went on a wild bacchanalia. - He buggered a frog, - Two mice and a dog, -And a bishop in fullest regalia. -% -There was a young man of Belgrade -Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade. - I will suck, without charge, - Any cock, if it's large. -If it's small, I expect to be paid." -% -There was a young man of Belgrade -Who slept with a girl in the trade. - She said to him, "Jack, - Try the hole in the back; -The front one is badly decayed." -% -There was a young man of Bengal -Who swore he had only one ball, - But two little bitches - Unbuttoned his britches, -And found he had no balls at all. -% -There was a young man of Bombay -Who buggered his dad once a day. - He said, "I like, rather, - Fucking my father -- -He's clean, and there's nothing to pay." -% -There was a young man of Calcutta, -Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter. - When he got to c-u, - A pious Hindoo -Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter. -% -There was a young man of Cape Horn -Who wished he had never been born, - And he wouldn't have been - If his father had seen -That the end of the rubber was torn. -% -There was a young man of Coblenz -Whose ballocks were simply immense: - It took forty-four draymen, - A priest and three laymen -To carry them thither and thence. -% -There was a young man of Darjeeling -Whose cock reached up to the ceiling. - In the electric light socket, - He'd put it and rock it-- -Oh God! What a wonderful feeling! -% -There was a young man of Devizes, -Whose balls were of different sizes. - One was so small, - It was nothing at all; -The other took numerous prizes. -% -There was a young man of Dumfries -Who said to his girl, "If you please, - It would give me great bliss - If, while playing with this, -You would pay some attention to these!" -% -There was a young man of high station -Who was found by a pious relation - Making love in a ditch - To -- I won't say a bitch -- -But a woman of no reputation. -% -There was a young man of Khartoum, -The strength of whose balls was his doom. - So strong was his shootin', - The third law of Newton -Propelled the poor chap to the Moon. -% -There was a young man of Khartoum -Who lured a poor girl to her doom. - He not only fucked her, - But buggered and sucked her-- -And left her to pay for the room. -% -There was a young man of Kutki -Who could blink himself off with one eye. - For a while though, he pined, - When his organ declined -To function, because of a stye. -% -There was a young man of Lahore -Whose prick was one inch and no more. - It was all right for key-holes - And little girl's pee-holes, -But not worth a damn with a whore. -% -There was a young man of Lake Placid -Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid. - When he wanted to sport - He would have to resort -To injections of sulphuric acid. -% -There was a young man of Madras -Whose balls were constructed of brass. - When jangled together - They played "Stormy Weather", -And lightning shot out of his ass. -% -There was a young man of Missouri -Who fucked with a terrible fury. - Till hauled into court - For his beastial sport, -And condemned by a poorly-hung jury. -% -There was a young man of Natal -And Sue was the name of his gal. - One day, north of Aden, - He got his hard rod in, -And came clear up Suez Canal. -% -There was a young man of Natal -Who was fucking a Hottentot gal. - Said she, "You're a sluggard!" - Said he, "You be buggered! -I like to fuck slow and I shall." -% -There was a young man of Ostend -Who let a girl play with his end. - She took hold of Rover, - And felt it all over, -And it did what she didn't intend. -% -There was a young man of Ostend -Whose wife caught him fucking her friend. - "It's no use, my duck, - Interrupting our fuck, -For I'm damned if I draw till I spend." -% -There was a young man of Saskatchewan, -Whose penis was truly gargantuan. - It was good for large whores, - And for small dinosaurs, -And was rough enough to scratch a match upon. -% -There was a young man of Seattle -Who bested a bull in a battle. - With fire and gumption - He assumed the bull's function, -And deflowered a whole herd of cattle. -% -There was a young man of St. John's -Who wanted to bugger the swans. - But the loyal hall porter - Said, "Pray take my daughter! -Those birds are reserved for the dons." -% -There was a young man of Tibet --- And this is the strangest one yet -- - His prick was so long, - And so pointed and strong, -He could bugger six sheep en brochette. -% -There was a young man of Toulouse -Who had a deficient prepuce, - But the foreskin he lacked - He made up in his sac; -The result was, his balls were too loose. -% -There was a young man who appeared -To his friends with a full growth of beard; - They at once said, "Although - We can't say why it's so, -The effect is uncommonly weird." - -- Edward Gorey -% -There was a young man who said "God, -I find it exceedingly odd, - That the willow oak tree - Continues to be, -When there's no one about in the Quad." - -"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, -For I'm always about in the Quad; - And that's why the tree, - Continues to be," -Signed "Yours faithfully, God." -% -There was a young man with a fiddle -Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?" - She replied, "Yes, I do, - But prefer to with two -- -It's twice as much fun in the middle." -% -There was a young man with a prick -Which into his wife he would stick - Every morning and night - If it stood up all right -- -Not a very remarkable trick. - -His wife had a nice little cunt: -It was hairy, and soft, and in front, - And with this she would fuck him, - Though sometimes she'd suck him -- -A charming, if commonplace, stunt. -% -There was a young man with one foot -Who had a very long root. - If he used this peg - As an extra leg -Is a question exceedingly moot. -% -There was a young miss from Johore -Who'd lie on a mat on the floor; - In a manner uncanny - She'd wobble her fanny, -And drain your nuts dry to the core. -% -There was a young monk from Siberia -Whose life got drearia' and drearia' - Till he did to a nun - What shouldn't be done -And made her a mother superia'. -% -There was a young monk from Tibet -And this is the damnedest one yet - His cock was so long - And incredibly strong -That he buggered six Greeks en brochette. -% -There was a young monk in Siberia, -Whose morals were very inferior, - He jumped on a nun - Which he shouldn't have done, -And now she's a Mother Superior. -% -There was a young monk of Dundee -Who complained that it hurt him to pee, - He said, "Pax vobiscum, - Now why won't the piss come? -I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p." -% -There was a young parson of Harwich, -Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage. - She said, "No, you young goose, - Just try self-abuse. -And the other we'll try after marriage." -% -There was a young peasant named Gorse -Who fell madly in love with his horse. - Said his wife, "You rapscallion, - That horse is a stallion -- -This constitutes grounds for divorce." -% -There was a young person of Kent -Who was famous wherever he went. - All the way through a fuck, - He would quack like a duck, -And he crowed like a cock when he spent. -% -There was a young physicist named Fisk -Whose lovemaking was rather brisk. - So quick was his action, - The Lorentz Contraction -Shortened his rod to a disc! -% -There was a young plumber named Lee -Who was plumbing his girl by the sea. - She said, "Stop your plumbing, - There's somebody coming" -Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me." -% -There was a young poet named Dan, -Whose poetry never would scan. - When told this was so, - He said, "Yes, I know, -It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." -% -There was a young royal marine, -Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen". - When he reached the soprano - Out came only guano -And his britches weren't fit to be seen. -% -There was a young sailor from Brighton, -Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one." - She replied, "'Pon my soul, - You're in the wrong hole; -There's plenty of room in the right one." -% -There was a young sapphic named Anna -Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana, - Which she sucked, bit by bit, - From her partner's warm slit, -In the most approved lesbian manner. -% -There was a young Scot in Madrid -Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid. - When they said, "Are you faint?" - He replied, "No, I ain't, -But I don't feel as good as I did." -% -There was a young soldier from Munich -Whose penis hung down past his tunic, - And their chops girls would lick - When they thought of his prick, -But alas! he was only a eunuch. -% -There was a young sportsman named Peel -Who went for a trip on his wheel; - He pedaled for days - Through crepuscular haze, -And returned feeling somewhat unreal. - -- Edward Gorey -% -There was a young squaw of Wohunt -Who possessed a collapsible cunt. - It had many odd uses, - Produced no papooses, -And fitted both giant and runt. -% -There was a young student from Yale -Who was getting his first piece of tail. - He shoved in his pole, - But in the wrong hole, -And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!" -% -There was a young trollop at Yale, -Who had verses tattooed on her tail, - And on her behind, - For the sake of the blind, -A duplicate version in Braille. -% -There was a young woman called Pearl -Who quite resembled a churl; - When she asked a young man named Tex - Whether he would like to have sex, -"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?" -% -There was a young woman from Bude, -Who went for a swim in the nude, - But a man in a punt, - Grabbed at her elbow, -And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property." -% -There was a young woman in Dee -Who stayed with each man she did see. - When it came to a test - She wished to be best, -And practice makes perfect, you see. -% -There was a young woman named Alice -Who peed in a Catholic chalice. - She said, "I do this - From a great need to piss, -And not from sectarian malice." -% -There was a young woman named Ells -Who was subject to curious spells - When got up very oddly, - She'd cry out things ungodly -by the palms in expensive hotels. - -- Edward Gorey -% -There was a young woman named Florence -Who for fucking professed an abhorrence, - But they found her in bed - With her cunt flaming red, -And her poodle-dog spending in torrents. -% -There was a young woman named Plunnery -Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery. - Till one day unobservant, - She blew up a servant, -And was forced to retire to a nunnery. - -- Edward Gorey -% -There was a young woman named Sutton -Who said, as she carved up the mutton, - "My father preferred - The last sheep in the herd -- -This is one of his children I'm cuttin'." -% -There was a young woman of Cheadle, -Who once gave the clap to a beadle. - Said she, "Does it itch?" - "It does, you damned bitch, -And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle." -% -There was a young woman of Condover -Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er. - Her pussy was juicy, - Her arse soft and goosey, -But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er. -% -There was a young woman of Croft -Who played with herself in a loft, - Having reasoned that candles - Could never cause scandals, -Besides which they did not go soft. - -Said another young woman of Croft, -Amusing herself in the loft, - "A salami or wurst - Is what I'd choose first -- -With bologna you know you've been boffed." -% -There was a young woman, quite handsome, -Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom. - When she offered much gold - For release, she was told -That the view was worth more than the ransom. -% -There was a young woman whose stammer -Was atrocious, and so was her grammar; - But they were not improved - When her husband was moved -To knock out her teeth with a hammer. - -- Edward Gorey -% -There was an old abbess quite shocked -To find nuns where the candles were locked. - Said the abbess, "You nuns - Should behave more like guns, -And never go off till you're cocked." -% -There was an old bishop from Buckingham -Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em. - His wife with distain - Could scarcely restrain -That sprightly old bishop from * * *. -% -There was an old count of Swoboda -Who would not pay a whore what he owed her. - So, with great savoir-faire, - She stood on a chair -And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda. -% -There was an old curate of Hestion -Who'd erect at the slightest suggestion. - But so small was his tool - He could scarce screw a spool, -And a cunt was quite out of the question. -% -There was an old fellow named Art -Who awoke with a horrible start, - For down by his rump - Was a generous lump -Of what should have been just a fart. -% -There was an old fellow named Skinner -Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner. - But still, by and large, - It would always discharge -Once he could just get it in her. -% -There was an old feminine blighter -Who trained a Chow dog to delight her. - She would cream her own pool - While she sucked off his tool -- -How his cock in her cunt would excite her! -% -There was an old gent from Kentuck -Who boasted a filigreed schmuck, - But he put it away - For fear that one day -He might put it in and get stuck. -% -There was an old girl of Kilkenny -Whose usual charge was a penny. - For half of that sum - You could finger her bum-- -A source of amusement to many. -% -There was an old harlot from Dijon -Who in her old age got religion. - "When I'm dead & gone," - Said she, "I'll take on -The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon." -% -There was an old lady of Bingly -Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly. - I thought I had got - A bloke for my twat, -But he seems rather queenly than kingly." -% -There was an old lady of Glascow, -Whose party proved quite a fiasco. - At nine-thirty, about, - The lights all went out, -Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co. -% -There was an old lady of Kewry -Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae': - The `introitus vaginae', - Was unnaturally tiny, -And the thought of it filled her with fury. -% -There was an old lady who lay -With her legs wide apart in the hay, - Then, calling the ploughman, - She said, "Do it now, man! -Don't wait till your hair has turned gray." -% -There was an old maid from Cape Cod -Who thought all good things came from god. - But it wasn't the almighty - Who lifted her nighty, -It was Roger, the lodger, by god. -% -There was an old man from Bengal -Who liked to do tricks in the hall. - His favorite trick - Was to stand on his dick -While he rolled around on one ball. -% -There was an old man from Fort Drum -Whose son was incredibly dumb. - When he urged him ahead, - He went down instead, -For he thought to succeed meant succumb. -% -There was an old man of Alsace -Who played the trombone with his ass. - He put in a trap - To take out the crap, -But the vapors corroded the brass. -% -There was an old man of Brienz -The length of whose cock was immense: - With one swerve he could plug - A boy's bottom in Zug, -And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz. -% -There was an old man of Cajon -Who never could get a good bone. - With the aid of a gland - It grew simply grand; -Now his wife cannot leave it alone. -% -There was an old man of Calcutta -Who spied through a chink in the shutter. - But all he could see - Was his wife's bare knee, -And the back of the bloke who was up her. -% -There was an old man of Connaught -Whose prick was remarkably short. - When he got into bed, - The old woman said, -"This isn't a prick, it's a wart." -% -There was an old man of Duddee -Who came home as drunk as could be. - He wound up the clock - With the end of his cock, -And buggered his wife with the key. -% -There was an old man of Duluth -Whose cock was shot off in his youth. - He fucked with his nose - And with fingers and toes, -And he came through a hole in his tooth. -% -There was an old man of Hong Kong -Who never did anything wrong. - He would lie on his back - With his head in a sack -And secretly finger his dong. -% -There was an old man of St. Bees, -Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. - When asked, "Does it hurt?" - He replied, "No, it doesn't. -I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." - -- W. S. Gilbert -% -There was an old man of Tagore -Whose tool was a yard long or more, - So he wore the damn thing - In a surgical sling -To keep it from wiping the floor. -% -There was an Old Man of the Mountain -Who frigged himself into a fountain - Fifteen times had he spent, - Still he wasn't content, -He simply got tired of the counting. -% -There was an old man who said, "Tush! -My balls always hang in the brush, - And I fumble about, - Half in and half out, -With a pecker as limber as mush." -% -There was an old man with a beard -Who said, "It is just what I feared! - Two owls and a hen, - Four larks and a wren -Have all built their nests in my beard!" -% -There was an old person of Ware -Who had an affair with a bear. - He explained, "I don't mind, - For it's gentle and kind, -But I wish it had slightly less hair." -% -There was an old pirate named Bates -Who was learning to rhumba on skates - He fell on his cutlass - Which rendered him nutless -And practically useless on dates. -% -There was an old satyr named Mack -Whose prick had a left handed tack. - If the ladies he loves - Don't spin when he shoves, -Their cervixes frequently crack. -% -There was an old Scot named McTavish -Who attempted an anthropoid ravish. - The object of rape - Was the wrong sex of ape, -And the anthropoid ravished McTavish. -% -There was an old whore from Silesia -Who'd croak: "If my box doesn't please ya, - For a slight extra sum - You can go up my bum -But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya." -% -There was an old whore in the Azores -Whose body was covered with festers & sores. - Why the dogs in the street - Wouldn't eat the green meat -That hung in festoons from her drawers. -% -There was an old woman of Ghent -Who swore that her cunt had no scent. - She got fucked so often - At last she got rotten, -And didn't she stink when she spent. -% -There was once a mechanic named Bench -Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench. - With this vibrant device - He could reach, in a trice, -The innermost parts of a wench. -% -There were three ladies of Huxham, -And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em, - And when that game grows stale - We sits on a rail, -And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em. -% -There were three young ladies of Birmingham, -And this is the scandal concerning 'em. - They lifted the frock - And tickled the cock -Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. - -Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool, -He'd been to a good public school, - So he took down their britches - And buggered those bitches -With his ten-inch episcopal tool. - -Then up spoke a lady from Kew, -And said, as the Bishop withdrew, - "The vicar is quicker - And thicker and slicker, -And longer and stronger than you." - -- Abuses of the Clergy -% -There's a charming young girl in Tobruk -Who refers to her quiff as a nook. - It's deep and it's wide, - -- You can curl up inside -With a nice easy chair and a book. -% -There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu -Who's often been screwed by yours truly, - But now--it's appallin'-- - My balls always fall in! -I fear that I've fucked her unduly. -% -There's a dowager near Sweden Landing -Whose manners are odd and demanding. - It's one of her jests - To suck off her guests -- -She hates to keep gentlemen standing. -% -There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock -Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock, - But her cunt's got a pucker - That's best not to fuck, or -When least you expect it to, it'll lock. -% -There's a rather odd couple in Herts -Who are cousins (or so each asserts); - Their sex is in doubt - For they're never without -Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts. - -- Edward Gorey -% -There's a sports-minded coed named Sue, -Who's been coxing the varsity crew. - In the shell Sue is great, - But her boyfriend's irate, -When she calls out the stroke as they screw. -% -There's a tavern in London that's staffed, -By a barmaid who's tops at her craft: - In her striving to please, - She serves ale on her knees, -So the patrons get head with their draft. -% -There's a very hot babe at the Aggies -Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is. - The seniors go round - Hanging down to the ground, -And one extra-large Soph has to drag his. -% -There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious, -Since his shocking perversions are various... - He will bugger some lad - With a dildo (the cad!) -While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!" -% -There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts, -Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz. - When one pireg is shot, - There's that alternate twat, -But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts. -% -There's an oversexed lady named Whyte -Who insists on a dozen a night. - A fellow named Cheddar - Had the brashness to wed her- -His chance of survival is slight. -% -There's an unbroken babe from Toronto, -Exceedingly hard to get onto, - But when you get there, - And have parted the hair, -You can fuck her as much as you want to. -% -They had come in the fugue to the stretto -When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto - Slipped forward and grabbed - Her tresses and stabbed -Her to death with a rusty stiletto. - -- Edward Gorey -% -Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz, -Was to do what man normally does, - She declared, "I'm a Soul- - Not a sexual goal!" -So he shrugged and called someone who was. -% -Though most of the crewmen are whites, -Uhura has full equal rights. - Her crewmates, you see, - Love De-mo-cra-cy, -And the way that she fills out her tights. -% -Though the invalid Saint of Brac -Lay all of his life on his back, - His wife got her share, - And the pilgrims now stare -At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque. -% -'Tis a custom in Castellamare -To fuck in the back of a lorry. - The chassis and springs - Are like woodwinds and strings -In the midst of a musical soiree. -% -To a weepy young woman in Thrums -Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes - Of allowing your tears - To fall into my ears - -I think they have rotted the drums." - -- Edward Gorey -% -To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable. -Their fertility was somewhat unstable. - He constructed a bed - Out of tree trunks and said, -"Even adders can multiply on a log table." -% -To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish! -Your cunt is as big as a dish!" - She replied, "Why, you fool, - With your limp little tool -It's like driving a nail with a fish!" -% -To his bride said a numskull named Clarence: -"I trust you will show some forbearance. - My sexual habits - I picked up from rabbits, -And occasionally watching my parents." -% -To his bride said economist Fife: -"The semen you'll launch as my wife, - We will salvage and freeze - To resemble goat's cheese, -And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife." -% -To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective, -"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? - Is your east tit the least bit - The best of your west tit, -Or is it a trick of perspective?" -% -To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple, -As he poured his post-prandial tipple, - "Your mother's behaviour - Gave pain to Our Saviour, -And that's why He made you a cripple." - -- Edward Gorey -% -Two anglers were fishing off Wight -And his bobber was dipping all night. - Murmured she, with a laugh, - "It's ready to gaff, -But don't break your rod which is light." - -A couple was fishing near Clombe -When the maid began looking quite glum, - And said, "Bother the fish! - I'd rather coish!" -Which they did -- which was why they had come. - -As two consular clerks in Madras -Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass, - "What a marvelous pole," - Said she, "but control -Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass." -% -Two eager young men from Cawnpore -Once buggered and fucked the same whore. - But her partition split - And the blood and the shit -Rolled out in a mess on the floor. -% -Two roosters in one of our pens -Found their pricks were no larger than wens. - As they looked at their foreskins - And wished they had more skins, -They discovered they'd both become hens. -% -Under the spreading chestnut tree -The village smith he sat, - Amusing himself - By abusing himself -And catching the load in his hat. -% -Une joile epousetta a Tours -Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours. - Mais le mari disait, "Non! - De trop n'est pas bon! -Mon derriere exige du secours!" -% -Visas erat: huic geminarum -Dispar modus testicularum: - Minor haec nihili, - Palma triplici, -Jam fecerat altera clarum. -% -We dedicate this to the cunt, -The kind the broad-minded guys hunt: - All hail to the twat, - Willing, thrilling, and hot, -That wears peckers down, limp and blunt! -% -When I was a baby, my penis -Was as white as the buttocks of Venus. - But now 'tis as red - As her nipples instead-- -All because of the feminine genus! -% -When they asked a pert baggage name Alice, -Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace, - "Was he modest or vain?" - "Was he regal or plain?" -She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!" -% -When you fuck little Annie in Anza -You get a great bosom bonanza: - Sucking Annie's soft tits - Makes her throw fifty fits, -And the fuck is a sextravaganza! -% -While his duchess lay practically dead, -The Duke of Daguerrodargue said: - "Can it be this is all? - How puny! How small! -Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed." - -- Edward Gorey -% -While I, with my usual enthusiasm, -Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, - She explained, "They are flat, - But think nothing of that -- -You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." -% -While out on a date in his Fiat, -The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?" - As he bent down to seek, - She let out a shriek: -"That's not where it's likely to be at." -% -While spending the winter at Pau -Lady Pamela forgot to say "No." - So the head-porter made her - And the second-cook laid her; -The waiters were all hanging low. -% -While Titian was mixing rose madder, -His model reclined on a ladder. - Her position to Titian - Suggested coition, -So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er. -% -While traveling in farthest Tibet, -Lord Irongate found cause to regret - The buttered-up tea, - A pain in his knee, -And the frivolous tourists he met. - -- Edward Gorey -% -Winter is here with his grouch, -The time when you sneeze and you slouch. - You can't take your women - Canoein' or swimmin', -But a lot can be done on a couch. -% -With his penis in turgid erection, -And aimed at woman's mid-section, - Man looks most uncouth - In that Moment of Truth, -But she sheathes it with loving affection. -% -You Women's Lib gals won't agree, -But dependent on men you must be: - You'll need a him - With a rod firm and trim, -To puggle your water-drains free! -% -Young Frederick the great was a beaut. -To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute. - If you'll come to my palace, - I'll finger your phallus, -And then I shall blow on your flute." -% -You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham, -Well, here's the new story concerning 'im: - He buggers the choir - As they sing "Ave Maria," -And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em. -% diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick.sp.ok b/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick.sp.ok deleted file mode 100644 index be7135d..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick.sp.ok +++ /dev/null @@ -1,462 +0,0 @@ -# $FreeBSD$ -abbess's -Abercrombie -Aberystwyth -acrost -Aden -Ades -Alsace -altera -Amphigorey -anatomies -andantes -Annie's -Annista -Antigua -Anza -Apres -archeologist -Arden -ARPAnaut -arsehole -astonishment's -Asturias -Attila -ausgefuckt -Azores -backsides -ballocks -Baroda -Bartholin -Batonger -Baugh -Bavel -beabrve -Beaconsfield -beastial -Beaulieu -Beever -belican -Benares -Bergere -Bermuder -berserkly -bettera -Bicester -Bingly -Bloch -Blott -Blount -Bluth -boffed -bologna -Bonaire -boney -Breerley -bridegroom's -Brienz -Brighton -Brillo -brio -Bronix -Bruckner -Bruges -Buckingham -Bude -bull's -busiasm -bustles -Byrd -Cah'lina -Cajon -callgirl -Camyre -cannie -Carmia -Carranza's -Carruthers -Castellamare -Cawnpore -cervixes -chanties -Charteris -Cheadle -Cheddar -Chichester -Chichester's -circumsized -Ciss -clarum -clergyman's -Clews -Clombe -Coblenz -cocksucking -coish -Condover -coxing -Coxsaxie -creame -Crewe -crewmates -Cribbs -crusader's -curat -d'hotel -d'Isere -d'oeuvres -Daguerrodargue -Decatur -deflowered -deflowers -Detroit -detumesced -Devizes -Dieu -dillie -disait -Dispar -dooflicker -doric -Drambuie -draymen -dribblings -Drumrig -duck's -Duddee -Dumfries -Dundee -Dunoon -duply -Durand -Durcan -Ealing -eastertide -edaM -eighths -ekil -elihW -Ells -epousetta -erat -Ermintrude's -Eroticon -ESC -Esser -Eton -exige -eyesight's -Fabia -faggot -faire -fanny -fart -farta -farted -farter -farting -farts -fecerat -Feeney -fellatrix -fellatrix's -Fenner -Fennis -festooned -festoons -fidgital -fiesty -Fleager -floozie -Folies -foreskins -Forgeteth -Fornier -frigged -frigger -frigging -fritz -fuckener -fucking'em -Fuckoscope -fuckstress -fuddled -Fyfe -Gamahuchee -Gasted -gaucho -gawked -Gaza -geminarum -Glengozzle -gnihtemos -gniyl -Gomorrah -goosey -gooster -Gorey -Gratian -Gression -guerre -Hank's -Harper's -Harwich -helican -Herridge -Herts -Hestion -hetera -Heuser -hexahedronical -hexed -hsinif -huic -Huxham -Hyde -hymen's -Ickes -Ignatious -iguanas -IIE -Illiac -intacto -interflex -Irongate -itchez -jello -Jodhpur -Johore -joile -Kew -Kewry -Khartoum -Kiam -Kilkenny -Kimble -Kissen -Kornbluth -Kotex -Kroll -Kutki -lacklustre -Lahore -Lancelot -laundress -Leeds -Lefebrve -Lesbian's -lifesavers -lilly -Lizes -llamas -Llanfairpwllgwyngyll -LLewellyn -Longet -looky -Lorentz -lovemaking -Lowe -LSD -Luntz -lusus -Mable -MacDougall -Magnifique -Mais -Maitre -Mam'selle -Manchukuo -Mandel -Manhasset -mari -Maurier -maxi -Mayence -McAmeter -McFee -Mcgoffin -McGru -McGruder -McMeanus -McSweeny -McTavish -meanie -meanies -meany -Mensa -mentis -midgets -minimis -missin -misspent -Moebius -moi -moister -mole's -Mons -Moxie -muckener -n'est -Natches -naturae -navel's -Nemetia -nighty -nihili -niners -Noah's -Norte -nuki -nutless -O'Clare -O'Doole -O'Malley -obbligatos -octagenerian -organed -orter -Ostend -oversexed -Paloma -papooses -paree -Parridge -patchez -pecker's -peckers -peedle -peeholes -peenies -pees -Penzance -pink'un -pissin -Pitlochry -Pitts -plaudits -pleasure's -ploughman -Plunnery -port's -Pourtant -Priam -Pridgets -prodigical -pruntz -Pryne -Prynne -Quaffed -Quelle -question's -quibblings -quim -quimmy -quints -ravished -Reims -Resounded -retriebrve -Rhyll -rogered -Salinas -Sandem -savoir -Schmitz -scratchez -seatbelts -secours -secret's -sextravaganza -Shedd -shins -Shittlecock -shitty -shootin -shrewder -Siegel -siht -skating's -Slatey -Smokey -sneaux -sniffin -sophomore'd -spaceman -spikey -Spitzbergen -Sprotic -Spyder -Stamboul -Stillson -Streator -Strensall -strewed -stroda -Suki -Susiasm -Sweenies -Swoboda -T'was -Tagore -Tante -tapeworm'll -Terminus's -testicularum -thing's -Thrace -Thrums -Tiffan -tis -titted -titties -Tobruk -tooty -topsheet -tous -Trans -Trasket -trifurcated -triplici -trop -truckloads -trysts -Tunney -Tupper -Tupps -Twickenham -Twiss -Twould -Udgeon -Uhura -urgin's -Usenetter -vaginae -vaginoid -Vassar -Venerio -Ventry -verkeley -Vesuvial -Virginny -virgo -Vitalis -vobiscum -Vogel's -Voulait -wanna -Weaveth -weeney -Whatam -Whyte -Wimley -Wohunt -Wubley -Wylde -ylbatrofmoc -yontiff -Yoric -Yost -yourselfer -Zerubbabel -Zerubbabub -Zug diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy b/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy deleted file mode 100644 index 949d944..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2212 +0,0 @@ -%%$FreeBSD$ -% -(1) Anyone can make a decision given enough facts. -(2) A good manager can make a decision without enough - facts. -(3) A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance. -% -(1) Everything depends. -(2) Nothing is always. -(3) Everything is sometimes. -% -(1) Everything is a system. -(2) Everything is part of a larger system. -(3) The universe is infinitely systematized both upward - (larger systems) and downward (smaller systems). -(4) All systems are infinitely complex. (The illusion - of simplicity comes from focusing attention on - one or a few variables). -% -(1) If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. -(2) If it stinks, it's chemistry. -(3) If it doesn't work, it's physics. -% -(1) If the weather is extremely bad, church - attendance will be down. -(2) If the weather is extremely good, church - attendance will be down. -(3) If the bulletin covers are in short supply - church attendance will exceed all expectations. -% -(1) If you like it, they don't have it in your size. -(2) If you like it and it's in your size, it doesn't - fit anyway. -(4) If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it. -(5) If you like it, it fits and you can afford it, it - falls apart the first time you wear it. -% -(1) Never draw what you can copy. -(2) Never copy what you can trace. -(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. -% -(1) The telephone will ring when you are outside the - door, fumbling for your keys. - -(2) You will reach it just in time to hear the click - of the caller hanging up. -% -1) Things will get worse before they get better. -2) Who said things would get better? -% -80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture -you missed about the one book you didn't read. -% -90% of everything is crud. -% -A $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10c fuse by blowing -first. -% -A 60-day warranty guarantees that the product will -self-destruct on the 61st day. -% -A bird in hand is safer than one overhead. -% -A bird in the hand is dead. -% -A budget is a plan that falls apart when the plumber -has to make an emergency visit. -% -A budget is buying a dress two sizes too small because -it was marked down. -% -A budget is saving quarters in a mason jar for -Christmas and spending them by Easter. -% -A budget is spending $15.00 on gas to drive to a -shopping mall to save $4.30 on a 20 pound turkey. -% -A budget is trying to figure out how the family next -door is doing it. -% -A budget is trying to make $25.00 go as far today as -it did when you were first married. -% -A budget is wondering why you should balance yours -if the government can not balance theirs. -% -A car and a truck approaching each other on an otherwise -deserted road will meet at the narrow bridge. -% -A carelessly planned project will take three times -longer than expected; a carefully planned project will -take only twice as long. -% -A child will not spill on a dirty floor. -% -A closed mouth gathers no foot. -% -A complex system designed from scratch never works and -cannot be patched up to make it work. You have to start -over, beginning with a working simple system. -% -A complex system that works is invariably found to have -evolved from a simple system that works. -% -A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. -% -A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home. -% -A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not -take place. -% -A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the -whole thing". -% -A day without sunshine .... -is like ... night! -% -A disagreeable task is its own reward. -% -A drug is that substance which, when injected into a -rat, will produce a scientific report. -% -A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. - -- Klipstein -% -A fool and his money are invited places. -% -A fool and his money soon go partying. -% -A fool and your money are soon partners. -% -A free agent is anything but. -% -A hug is the perfect gift - one size fits all, and -nobody minds if you exchange it. -% -A large system, produced by expanding the dimensions of -a smaller system, does not behave like the smaller system. -% -A little ambiguity never hurt anyone. -% -A little humility is arrogance. -% -A little ignorance can go a long way. -% -A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much -technological roccoco. -% -A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality. -% -A man should be greater than some of his parts. -% -A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or -her opposition. -% -A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept -and the hours are lost. -% -A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick -in the pants. -% -A penny saved is ... not much. -% -A pessimist is an optimist with experience. -% -A physician's ability is inversely proportional -to his availability. -% -A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered -only during the semester following the desired course. -% -A president of a democracy is a man who is always ready, -willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. -% -A RACF protected dataset is inaccessible. -% -A short cut is the longest distance between two points. -% -A shy, introverted child will choose a crowded public -area to loudly demonstrate newly acquired vocabulary. -% -A stagnant science is at a standstill. -% -A theory is better than its explanation. -% -A work project expands to fill the space available. -% -Absolutely nothing in the world is friendlier than -a wet dog. -% -Access holes will be 1/2" too small. -Holes that are the right size will be in the wrong place. -% -ACF2 is a four letter word. -% -Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later. -% -After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said -than done -% -After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle -will repeat itself. -% -After winning an argument with his wife, -the wisest thing a man can do is apologize. -% -All American cars are basically Chevrolets. -% -All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off. -% -All general statements are false. (Think about it.) -% -All good things must come to an end. -I want to know when they start! -% -All things being equal, all things are never equal. -% -All things being equal, you lose. - -All things being in your favor, you still lose. - -Win or lose, you lose. -% -All things come to him whose name is on a mailing list. -% -All trails have more uphill sections than they have -level or downhill sections. -% -All warranties expire upon payment of invoice. -% -Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. -% -Among economists, the real world is often a special case. -% -An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his -own physician. -% -An auditor enters the battlefield after the war is over, -and attacks the wounded. -% -An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful -than a complex, incomprehensible truth. -% -An expert doesn't know any more than you do. He or she is -merely better organized and uses slides. -% -An expert is anyone from out of town. -% -An expert is one who knows more and more about less -and less until he knows absolutely everything -about nothing. -% -An optimist believes we live in the best of all -possible worlds. -A pessimist fears this is true. -% -An optimist is a person who looks forward to marriage. -A pessimist is a married optimist! -% -An original idea can never emerge from committee -in its original form. -% -An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. -% -An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. -% -Any child who chatters non-stop at home will adamantly -refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate -for an audience. -% -Any circuit design must contain at least one part which -is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three -parts which at still under development. -% -Any cooking utensil placed in the dishwasher will be -needed immediately thereafter for something else. -% -Any given program costs more and takes longer. -% -Any given program, when running, is obsolete. -% -Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. -% -Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion -if it did occur, will occur. -% -Any line, however short, is still too long. -% -Any measuring utensil used for liquid ingredients will -be needed immediately thereafter for dry ingredients. -% -Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday. -% -Any technical problem can be overcome given enough -time and money. - -You are never given enough time or money. -% -Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of -approximate, additional assumptions. -% -Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of -faults is proportional to the number of viewers. -% -Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath -to the exact center. -% -Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry. -% -Anyone who follows a crowd will -never be followed by a crowd. -% -Anything good in life either causes cancer in -laboratory mice or is taxed beyond reality. -% -Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart. -% -Anything is possible, but nothing is easy. -% -Anything is possible if you don't know what you're -talking about. -% -Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. -% -Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than -you thought. -% -As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse. -% -Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups. -% -Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. -% -At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from -the aisle arrive last. -% -At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable. -% -At the end of the semester you will recall having -enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester --- and never attending. -% -Authorization for a project will be granted only when -none of the authorizers can be blamed if the project -fails but when all of the authorizers can claim credit -if it succeeds. -% -Automotive engine repairing law: -If you drop something, it will never reach the ground. -% -Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed. -% -Bad news drives good news out of the media. -% -Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always -point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark. -% -Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone. -% -Before ordering a test decide what you will do if it is, -(1) positive, or -(2) negative. -If both answers are the same, don't do the test. -% -Beware of the physician who is great at getting -out of trouble. -% -Blessed are those who go around in circles, -for they shall be known as wheels. -% -Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, -for he shall not be disappointed. -% -Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and -knows it for he shall enjoy living. -% -Build a system that even a fool can use, -and only a fool will use it. -% -Calm down .... it is only ones and zeros. -% -Can't produces countercan't. -% -Capitalism can exist in one of only two states: -welfare or warfare. -% -Celibacy is not hereditary. -% -Class schedules are designed so that every student will -waste the maximum time between classes. -% -Cleanliness is next to impossible. -% -Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce -multiple interpretations. -% -"Close" only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and -thermonuclear devices. -% -Common sense is not so common. -% -Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand -wrong answers. -% -Complex systems tend to oppose their own proper function. -% -Complicated systems produce unexpected outcomes. -% -Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for -a number and then give it back to them. -% -Consumer assistance doesn't. -% -Cop-out number 1. -You should have seen it when I got it. -% -Cost of repair can be determined by multiplying the -cost of your new coat by 1.75, or by multiplying the -cost of a new washer by .75. -% -Create problems for which only you have the answer. -% -Definition of an elephant: -A mouse built to government specifications. -% -Democracy is that form of government where -everybody gets what the majority deserves. -% -Despite the sign that says "wet paint", -please don't. -% -Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. -% -Do whatever your enemies don't want you to do. -% -Don't ask the barber if you need a haircut. -% -Don't bite the hand that has your pay check in it. -% -Don't fight with a bear in his own cage. -% -Don't force it, -get a bigger hammer. -% -Don't let your superiors know you're better than -they are. -% -Don't look back, something may be gaining on you. -% -Don't make your doctor your heir. -% -Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy! -% -Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost. -% -Don't smoke in bed - the ashes on the floor might be your -own. -% -Don't stop to stomp on ants -when the elephants are stampeding. -% -During the time an item is on back-order, it will be -available cheaper and quicker from many other sources. -% -Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem. -% -Easy doesn't do it. -% -Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing -worse will happen to you the rest of the day. -% -Entropy has us outnumbered. -% -Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick -them will stick to other things when you don't want -them to. -% -Even paranoids have enemies. -% -Even water tastes bad when taken on doctors orders. -% -Every great idea has a disadvantage equal to or -exceeding the greatness of the idea. -% -Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. -% -Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since -nobody listens. -% -Everybody wants a pain shot at the same time. -% -Everybody who didn't want a pain shot when you were -passing out pain shots wants one when you are passing -out sleeping pills. -% -Everybody's gotta be someplace. -% -Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment -to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime. -% -Everyone gets away with something. -No one gets away with everything. -% -Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. -% -Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually -plunge into the Atlantic ocean. -% -Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between. -% -Everything is contagious. -% -Everything is revealed to he who turns over enough stones. -(Including the snakes that he did not want to find.) -% -Everything may be divided into as many parts as you please. -% -Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. -% -Everything takes longer than you expect. -% -Exciting plays occur only while you are watching the -scoreboard or out buying a hot dog. -% -Fact is solidified opinion. -% -Facts may weaken under extreme heat and pressure. -% -Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed -talent. -% -Flynn is dead -Tron is dead -long live the MCP. -% -Fools rush in -- and get the best seats. -% -For every action, there is an equal and opposite -criticism. -% -For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill. -% -For every credibility gap there is a gullibility gap. -% -For every human problem, there is a neat, plain solution -- -and it is always wrong. -% -For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision. -% -Forgive and remember. -% -Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse -proportion to their soundness and validity. -% -Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. -% -Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the -embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs. -% -Go where the money is. -% -He who dies with the most toys wins. -% -He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from -the next freeway exit. -% -He who laughs last -- probably didn't get the joke. -% -He who marries for money ... better be nice to his wife. -% -Hindsight is an exact science. -% -History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely -repeat each other. -% -History proves nothing. -% -History repeats itself. -that's one of the things wrong with history. -% -Hockey is a game played by six good players and the -home team. -% -Hollerith got us into this hole mess! -% -Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass. -% -How did they measure hail before the golf ball was invented? -% -How do they know no two snowflakes are alike? -% -How long a minute is depends on which side of the -bathroom door you're on. -% -I can only please one person per day. -Today is not your day. -(Tomorrow isn't looking good either.) -% -I finally got it all together... -but I forgot where I put it. -% -I have not lost my mind, it is backed up on tape somewhere. -% -I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, -when you looked at it in the right way, did not become -still more complicated. - -- Poul Anderson -% -I know you believe you understand - what you think I said, - however, I am not sure you realize, - that what I think you heard - is not what I meant -% -I no longer get lost in the shuffle.... -I shuffle along with the lost. -% -I think ... therefore I am confused. -% -If a program is useful, it will be changed. -% -If a program is useless, it will be documented. -% -If a scientist uncovers a publishable fact, it will -become central to his theory. - -His theory, in turn, will become central to all -scientific truth. -% -If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in -the worst possible sequence. -% -If a situation requires undivided attention, it will -occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction. -% -If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two -data points. -% -If a thing is done wrong often enough -it becomes right. -% -If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong -equipment. -% -If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be -implemented, it wasn't worth doing. -% -If an item is advertised as "under $50," you can bet -it's not $19.95. -% -If anything can go wrong, it will. -% -If anything can't go wrong it will. -% -If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries. -% -If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset. -% -If at first you don't succeed, try something else. -% -If at first you don't succeed, -blame it on your supervisor. -% -If daily class attendance is mandatory, a scheduled -exam will produce increased absenteeism. If attendance -is optional, a scheduled exam will produce persons you -have never seen before. -% -If everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it. -% -If everything is coming your way, you're in the -wrong lane. -% -If everything seems to be going well, -you obviously don't know what the hell is going on. -% -If facts do not conform to the theory, -they must be disposed of. -% -If his IQ was any lower he'd be a plant. -% -If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, -you will borrow it and -you will break it. -% -If it happens, it must be possible. -% -If it jams --- force it. If it breaks, -it needed replacing anyway. -% -If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you've just -become the expert. -% -If it weren't for the opinion polls we'd never know -what people are undecided about. -% -If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company -will insist upon repairing the old one. -% -If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the -company will insist on the latest model. -% -If it's clean, it isn't laundry. -% -If it's good, they discontinue it. -% -If it's good they will stop making it. -% -If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. -% -If more than one person is responsible for a -miscalculation, no one will be at fault. -% -If Murphy's law can go wrong, it will. -% -If not controlled, work will flow to the competent -man until he submerges. -% -If on an actuarial basis there is a 50/50 chance that -something will go wrong, -It will actually go wrong nine times out of ten. -% -If one views his problem closely enough he will -recognize himself as part of the problem. -% -If only one price can be obtained for any quotation, -the price will be unreasonable. -% -If opportunity came disguised as temptation, -one knock would be enough. -% -If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of -change will exceed the rate of progress. -% -If reproducibility may be a problem conduct the -test only once. -% -If several things that could have gone wrong have not -gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial -for them to have gone wrong. -% -If the assumptions are wrong, -the conclusions aren't likely to be very good. -% -If the course you wanted most has room for 'n' students -you will be the 'n + 1' to apply. -% -If the faulty part is in stock, it didn't need replacing -in the first place. -% -If there are only two shows worth watching, they will -be on together. -% -If there isn't a law, there will be. -% -If there was any justice in this world, people would -occasionally be permitted to fly over pigeons. -% -If things were left to chance, they'd be better. -% -If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. - -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter -% -If we learn by our mistakes, -I'm getting one hell of an education!! -% -If you allow someone to get in front of you either: -(1) The car in front will be the last one over a - railroad crossing, and you will be stuck waiting - for a long, slow-moving train; or -(2) you both will have the same destination and the - other car will get the last parking space. -% -If you are already in a hole, there's no use to continue -digging. -% -If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget -your book. -If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget -where you live. -% -If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe, -there won't be any left by the time they are ripe. If -you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten. -% -If you can get the faulty part off, the parts house -will have it back-ordered. -% -If you can get to the faulty part, you don't have the -tool to get it off. -% -If you can keep your head when all about you are losing -theirs, then you just don't understand the problem. -% -If you can't convince them, confuse them. -% -If you can't measure it, I'm not interested. -% -If you can't measure output then you measure input. -% -If you change lines, the one you just left will start -to move faster than the one you are now in. -% -If you do something right once, someone will ask -you to do it again. -% -If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. -% -If you don't like the answer, -you shouldn't have asked the question. -% -If you don't say it, they can't repeat it. -% -If you don't write to complain, you'll never receive -your order. -If you do write, you'll receive the merchandise before -your angry letter reaches its destination. -% -If you fool around with a thing for very long you will -screw it up. -% -If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man, he -will find an easier way to do it. -% -If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong. -% -If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough -chances are someone else will do it for you. -% -If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know. -% -If you have to park six blocks away, you will find two -new parking spaces right in front of the building -entrance. -% -If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch -it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode. -% -If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember -you - the next time he's in need. -% -If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always -manage to boot yourself in the posterior. -% -If you know, you can't say. -% -If you leave the room, you're elected. -% -If you lived here you'd be home now. -% -If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, -you better wear work shoes. -% -If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent -of doing you good, you should run for your life. -% -If you see that there are four possible ways in which a -procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a -fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. -% -If you smile when everything goes wrong, you are -either a nitwit or a repairman. -% -If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it. -% -If you wait, it will go away -... having done it's damage. -If it was bad, it'll be back. -% -If you want to get along, go along. -% -If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor. -% -If your condition seems to be getting better, it's -probably your doctor getting sick. -% -If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is -because of something left out, rather than added. -% -If you're coasting, you're going downhill. -% -If you're early, it'll be canceled. -If you knock yourself out to be on time, you will - have to wait. -If you're late, you will be too late. -% -If you're feeling good, don't worry, -you'll get over it. -% -If you're wondering if you have enough money to take -the family out to eat tonight, you don't. -% -If you're wondering if you left the coffee pot -plugged in, you did. -% -If you're wondering if you need to stop and pick up -bread and eggs on the way home, you do. -% -If you're wondering if you took the meat out to -thaw, you didn't. -% -If you're worried about being crazy, -don't be overly concerned: -If you were, you would think you were sane. -% -If you've got them by the balls, -their hearts and minds will follow. -% -Ignorance should be painful. -% -Important letters which contain no errors will develop -errors in the mail. -% -In a bureaucratic hierarchy, the higher up the -organization the less people appreciate Murphy's law, -the Peter Principle, etc. -% -In a family recipe you just discovered in an old book, -the most vital measurement will be illegible. -% -In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, -the greater the confusion. -% -In a hierarchical system, the rate of pay varies -inversely with the unpleasantness and difficulty -of the task. -% -In a three-story building served by one elevator, nine -times out of ten the elevator car will be on a floor -where you are not. -% -In any bureaucracy, paperwork increases as you spend -more and more time reporting on the less and less you -are doing. Stability is achieved when you spend all of -your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. -% -In any dealings with a collective body of people, the -people will always be more tacky than originally expected. -% -In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level -of incompetence, and then remains there. -% -In any household, junk accumulates to the space -available for its storage. -% -In any organization there will always be one person -who knows what is going on. -This person must be fired. -% -In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur -at the opposite end to the end at which you begin -checking for errors. -% -In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. -% -In order for something to become clean, something -else must become dirty. -... but you can get everything dirty without getting -anything clean. -% -In the fight between you and the world, back the world. -% -Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place. -% -Indecision is the basis for flexibility. -% -Indifference is the only sure defense. -% -Information deteriorates upward through the bureaucracies. -% -Information travels more surely to those with a -lesser need to know. -% -Inside every large program -is a small program struggling to get out. -% -Interchangeable parts --- won't. -% -It always takes longer to get there than to get back. -% -It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick -up something from the floor while you get up. -% -It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex -task to make them simple. -% -It is better for civilization to be going down the drain, -than to be coming up it. -% -It is better to be part of the idle rich class -than be part of the idle poor class. -% -It is better to solve a problem with a crude -approximation and know the truth, than to demand an -exact solution and not know the truth at all. -% -It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. -% -It is far better to do nothing than to do -something efficiently. - -- Siezbo -% -It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly -surprised. -% -It is impossible to build a fool proof system; -because fools are so ingenious. -% -It is ok to be ignorant in some areas, -but some people abuse the privilege. -% -It takes longer to glue a vase together than to -break one. -% -It takes longer to lose 'x' number of pounds than -to gain 'x' number of pounds. -% -It the shoe fits, it's ugly. -% -It works better if you plug it in. -% -It's always darkest before ... daylight saving time. -% -It's always darkest just before the lights go out. - -- Alex Clark -% -It's always easier to go down hill, but the view is -from the top. -% -It's better to retire too soon than too late. -% -It's tough to get reallocated when you're the one -who's redundant. -% -Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet -somebody moves the ends! -% -Just because you are paranoid -doesn't mean "they" aren't out to get you. -% -Just because your doctor has a name for your condition -doesn't mean he knows what it is. -% -Just when you get really good at something, -you don't need to do it anymore. -% -Justice always prevails... -three times out of seven. -% -Keep emotionally active, -cater to your favorite neurosis. -% -King Arthur ran the first knight club. -% -Laugh and the world laughs with you. cry and ... -you have to blow your nose. -% -Law expands in proportion to the resources available -for its enforcement. -% -Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten. -% -Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!! -% -Leakproof seals --- will. -% -Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it. -% -Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse. -% -Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts. -% -Life is like an ice-cream cone: You have to learn to -lick it. -% -Liquidity tends to run out. -% -Live within your income, -even if you have to borrow to do so. -% -Magellan was the first strait man. -% -Make it possible for programmers to write programs -in English and you will find that programmers cannot -write in English. -% -Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will -establish yourself as an expert. -% -Management can't. -% -Mass man must be serviced by mass means. -% -Misery no longer loves company -nowadays it insists on it. -% -Most people want to be delivered from temptation but -would like it to keep in touch. -% -Most projects require three hands. -% -Multiple-function gadgets will not perform any -function adequately. -% -Murphy's rule for precision: - Measure with a micrometer - Mark with chalk - Cut with an axe -% -Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. -% -Nature is a mother. -% -Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can. -% -Never admit anything. -Never regret anything -whatever it is, you're not responsible. -% -Never argue with a fool, -people might not know the difference. -% -Never argue with an artist. -% -Never be first to do anything. -% -Never create a problem for which you do not have -the answer. -% -Never eat prunes when you are famished. -% -Never get excited about a blind date because of how -it sounds over the phone. -% -Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - -- Erma Bombeck -% -Never insult an alligator -until after you have crossed the river. -% -Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold -of something else. -% -Never make a decision you can get someone else to make. -% -Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest. -% -Never offend people with style -when you can offend them with substance. -% -Never play leapfrog with a photo enlarger. -% -Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. -% -Never put all your eggs in your pocket. -% -Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job. -% -Never tell them what you wouldn't do. -% -Never test for an error condition you don't know -how to handle. -% -Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty, and the pig -likes it! -% -New systems generate new problems. -% -No experiment is ever a complete failure. -It can always be used as a bad example. -% -No good deed goes unpunished. - -- Clare Boothe Luce -% -No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets, -with the same staff that started it. Yours will not be the -first. -% -No man is lonely while eating spaghetti. -% -No matter how large the work space, if two projects -must be done at the same time they will require the -same part of the work space. -% -No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after -you have bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper. -% -No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end -up covered with grease and motor oil. -% -No matter how strong the breeze when you leave the dock -once you have reached the furthest point from port -the wind will die. -% -No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody -who knew it would. -% -No matter what happens, there is always somebody -who knew that it would. -% -No matter what they're talking about, they're -talking about money. -% -No matter what they're telling you, they're not -telling you the whole truth. -% -No matter which direction you start, -it's always against the wind coming back. -% -No news is ... impossible. -% -No one keeps a record of decisions you could have made -but didn't. Everyone keeps a records of your bad ones. -% -No one's life, liberty, or property are safe -while the legislature is in session. -% -No system is ever completely debugged: Attempts to debug -a system will inevitably introduce new bugs that are even -harder to find. -% -Nobody notices when things go right. -% -Nothing improves an innovation like lack of controls. -% -Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. -% -Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. -% -Nothing is ever done for the right reasons. -% -Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by -firing the coach. -% -Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse. -% -Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have -to do it himself/herself. -% -Nothing is indestructible, with the possible exception -of discount-priced fruitcakes. -% -Of two possible events, -only the undesired one will occur. -% -Office machines which function perfectly during normal -business hours will break down when you return to the -office at night to use them for personal business. -% -Old age is always fifteen years older than I am. -% -Old programmers never die - they just abend. -% -On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone -can be unhappy -- but we will work on it. -% -On a clear disk, you can seek forever. -% -On successive charts of the same organization, the number of -boxes will never decrease. -% -Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to save it -only makes it worse. -% -One man's error is another man's data. -% -One place where you're sure to find the perfect -driver is in the back seat. -% -Only a mediocre person is always at their best. -% -Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles. -% -Only errors exist. -% -Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune -moment. -% -Other people's romantic gestures seem novel and exciting. - -Your own romantic gestures seem foolish and clumsy. -% -Our customers' paperwork is profit. -Our own paperwork is loss. -% -People are promoted not by what they can do, but what -people think they can do. -% -People can be divided into three groups: -Those who make things happen, -Those who watch things happen and -Those who wonder what happened. -% -People don't change; they only become more so. -% -People in systems do not do what the systems say -they are doing. -% -People to whom you are attracted invariably think you -remind them of someone else. -% -People who love sausage and respect the law should -never watch either one being made. -% -People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell -them Benjamin Franklin said it first. -% -People will believe anything if you whisper it. -% -People will buy anything that is one to a customer. -% -Performance is directly affected by the perversity of -inanimate objects. -% -Personnel recruiting is a triumph of hope over -experience. -% -Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional -and employ faulty reasoning. -% -Pills to be taken in twos always come -out of the bottle in threes. -% -Please don't steal, the IRS hates competition! -% -Possessions increase to fill the space available for -their storage. -% -Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability -of the programmer who must maintain it. -% -Program design philosophy: - - Start at the beginning and continue until the end, - then stop. - -- Lewis Carroll -% -Progress does not consist in replacing a theory that is -wrong with one that is right. It consists in replacing -a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong. -% -Progress is made on alternate Fridays. -% -Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary -drivel off the TV screen. -% -Quit while you're still behind. -% -RACF is a four letter word. -% -Real programmers always have a better idea. -% -Real programmers are kind to rookies. -% -Real programmers are secure enough to write readable code, -which they then self-righteously refuse to explain. -% -Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a -matter of principle. -% -Real programmers can do octal, hexadecimal and -binary math in their heads. -% -Real programmers do not apply DP terminology to non-DP -situations. -% -Real programmers do not document. -Documentation is for simps who can't read listings or -object code. -% -Real programmers do not eat breakfast from the -vending machines. -% -Real programmers do not practice four-syllable words before -walkthroughs. -% -Real programmers do not read books like -"effective listening" and "communication skills". -% -Real programmers do not utter profanities at an elevated -decibel level. -% -Real programmers don't advertise their hangovers. -% -Real programmers don't announce how many times the -operations department called them last night. -% -Real programmers don't comment their code. if it is hard -to write, it should be hard to understand. -% -Real programmers don't dress for success unless -they are trying to convince others that they are -going on interviews. -% -Real programmers don't eat muffins. -% -Real programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real -programmers don't know how to spell quiche. They eat -Twinkies and szechuan food. -% -Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages -of Cobol when they don't know any other language. -% -Real programmers don't notch their desks for each -completed service request. -% -Real programmers don't number paragraph names -consecutively. -% -Real programmers don't play tennis or any other sport -that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is -O.K., and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work -in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle -of the machine room. -% -Real programmers don't play video games, they write them. -% -Real programmers don't write applications programs; they -program right down on the bare metal. Application -programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming. -% -Real programmers don't write COBOL. -COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers. -% -Real programmers don't write in Basic. Actually, no -programmers write in Basic after age 12. -% -Real programmers don't write in Pascal, Bliss, or Ada, or -any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong -typing is for people with weak memories. -% -Real programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for -programmers who can't decide whether to write in -COBOL or Fortran. -% -Real programmers don't write memos. -% -Real programmers don't write specs -- users should -consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and -take what they get. -% -Real programmers drink too much coffee so that they will -always seem tense and overworked. -% -Real programmers have read the standards manual -but won't admit it. -% -Real programmers know it's not operations' -fault if their jobs go into "hogs". -% -Real programmers know what saad means. -% -Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real -programmers are around at 9 a.m., it's because they -were up all night. -% -Real programmers print only clean compiles, -fixing all errors through the terminal. -% -Real programmer's programs never work the first time. But -if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into -working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions. -% -Real programmers punch up their own programs. -% -Real programmers understand Pascal. -% -Remain silent about your intentions until you are sure -% -Return on investments won't. -% -Roses are red violets are blue -I am schizophrenic and so am I -% -Sale promotions don't. -% -Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line. -% -Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. -% -Security isn't. -% -Self starters --- won't. -% -Show me a person who's never made a mistake and I'll -show you somebody who's never achieved much. -% -Simple jobs always get put off because there will be -time to do them later. -% -Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, -some prefer to just gargle. -% -Some errors will always go unnoticed until the book -is in print. -% -Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it. -% -Souffles rise and cream whips only for the family and -for guests you didn't really want to invite anyway. -% -Success can be insured only by devising a defense against -failure of the contingency plan. -% -Superiority is recessive. -% -Systems should not be unnecessarily multiplied. -% -Systems tend to grow and as they grow they encroach. -% -Talent in staff work or sales will continually be -interpreted as managerial ability. -% -Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else. -% -That component of any circuit which has the shortest -service life will be placed in the least -accessible location. -% -The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely -proportional to the subject's true value. -% -The amount of wind will vary inversely with the number -and experience of the people you have on board. -% -The best shots are generally attempted through the -lens cap. -% -The best shots happen immediately after the last -frame is exposed. -% -The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal -the letter. -% -The best way to lie is to tell the truth..... -carefully edited truth. -% -The big guys always win. -% -The bigger they are, the harder they hit. -% -The boss who attempts to impress employees with his -knowledge of intricate details has lost sight of his -final objective. -% -The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered -side down is directly proportional to the cost of the -carpet. -% -The chances of anybody doing anything are inversely -proportional to the number of other people who are in -a position to do it instead. -% -The chief cause of problems is solutions. - -- Eric Sevareid -% -The client who pays the least complains the most -% -The closer you are to the facts of a situation, the -more obvious are the errors in all news coverage of -the situation. -% -The "consumer report" on the item will come out a week -after you've made your purchase: - -(1) The one you bought will be rated "unacceptable". -(2) The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy". -% -The cream rises to the top. -So does the scum. -% -The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by -the paper clip of the overlying memo and go to file. -% -The deficiency will never show itself during the test runs. -% -The distance to the gate is inversely proportional -to the time available to catch your flight. -% -The early worm deserves the bird. -% -The easiest way to find something lost around the house -is to buy a replacement. -% -The faster the plane, -the narrower the seats. -% -The feasibility of an operation is not the best -indication for its performance. -% -The final test is when it goes production ... -w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t i o n ... -w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t -w h e n i t g o e s p r o -% -The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the -time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent. -% -The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly -in front of your eyes. -% -The first insurance agent was David - -he gave Goliath a piece of the rock. -% -The first myth of management is that it exists -the second myth of management is that success equals skill. -% -The first page the author turns to upon receiving an -advance copy will be the page containing the worst -error. -% -The first place to look for anything is the last place -you would expect to find it. -% -The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to -save all of the parts. -% -The first time is for love. -The next time is $200. -% -The further away the disaster or accident occurs, the -greater the number of dead and injured required for it -to become a story. -% -The further you are from the facts of a situation, -the more you tend to believe news coverage of the -situation. -% -The greater the cost of putting a plan into operation, -the less chance there is of abandoning the plan - even -if it subsequently becomes irrelevant. -% -The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached -to someone who isn't getting enough sleep. -% -The hidden flaw never remains hidden. -% -The higher the level of prestige accorded the people -behind the plan, the least less chance there is of -abandoning it. -% -The inside contact that you have developed at great -expense is the first person to be let go in any -reorganization. -% -The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in -will be taken by the person in front of you. -% -The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found -in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting. -% -The last person who quit or was fired will be held -responsible for everything that goes wrong -- until -the next person quits or is fired. -% -The least experienced fisherman always catches the -biggest fish. -% -The length of a marriage is inversely proportional -to the amount spent on the wedding. -% -The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely -with its price and directly with its ugliness. -% -The light at the end of the tunnel can be a helluva -nuisance, especially if you're using the tunnel -as a darkroom. -% -The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of -an oncoming train. -% -The light at the end of the tunnel really is a train. -% -The lion and the calf shall lie down together, -but the calf won't get much sleep. -% -The longer the title the less important the job. -% -The longer you wait in line, the greater the -likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. -% -The love letter you finally got the courage to send -will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to -make a fool of yourself in person. -% -The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of -someone he can blame it on. -% -The man who has no more problems is out of the game. -% -The meek shall inherit the earth, -but not its mineral rights. -% -The meek will inherit the earth -after the rest of us go to the stars. -% -The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the -waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for -your scheduled appointment. -% -The more carefully you plan a project, the more -confusion there is when something goes wrong. -% -The more complicated and grandiose the plan, the -greater the chance of failure. -% -The more directives you issue to solve a problem, -the worse it gets. -% -The more elaborate and costly the equipment, the greater -the chance of having to stop at the fish market -on the way home. -% -The more expensive the gadget, the less often you -will use it. -% -The more general the title of a course, the less -you will learn from it. -% -The more ridiculous a belief system, -the higher probability of its success. -% -The more specific the title of a course, the less you -will be able to apply it later. -% -The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure -you are as to which answer they want. -% -The more time and energy you put into preparing a meal -the greater the chance your guests will spend the entire -meal discussing other meals they have had. -% -The most important item in an order will no longer -be available. -% -The most interesting specimen will not be labeled. -% -The most valuable quotation will be the one for which -you cannot determine the source. -% -The mountain gets steeper as you get closer. -% -The mountain looks closer than it is. -% -The one course you must take to graduate will not be -offered during your last semester. -% -The one day you'd sell your soul for something, -souls are a glut. -% -The one ingredient you made a special trip to the store -to get will be the one thing your guest is allergic to. -% -The one thing that money can not buy is poverty. -% -The one time in the day that you lean back and relax -is the one time the boss walks through the office. -% -The one who least wants to play is the one who will win. -% -The one who snores will fall asleep first. -% -The one wrench or drill bit you need will be the one -missing from the tool chest. -% -The one you want is never the one on sale. -% -The only game that can't be fixed is peek-a-boo. -% -The only new TV show worth watching will be canceled. -% -The only way to make up for being lost is to make -record time while you are lost. -% -The only winner in the war of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. -% -The organization of any program reflects the organization -of the people who developed it. -% -The other line always moves faster. -% -The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk -to the other end of the building. -% -The pills to be taken with meals will be the least -appetizing ones. -% -The primary function of the design engineer is to make -things difficult for the fabricator and impossible -for the serviceman. -% -The probability of a cat eating its dinner has -absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food -placed before it. -% -The probability of anything happening is in -inverse ratio to its desirability. -% -The probability of meeting someone you know increases -when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. -% -The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss -to go in or out is directly proportional to the number -and importance of your dinner guests. -% -The quality of correlation is inversely proportional -to the density of control. -% -The quickest way to experiment with acupuncture is to -try on a new shirt. -% -The race goes not always to the swift, nor the battle -to the strong, but that's the way to bet. -% -The radiologists' national flower is the hedge. -% -The ratio of time involved in work to time available for -work is usually about 0.6 -% -The repairman will never have seen a model quite like -yours before. -% -The road to hell is paved with good intentions -and littered with sloppy analyses! -% -The rotten egg will be the one you break into the -cake batter. -% -The scratch on the record is always through the song -you like most. -% -The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake -that you've got it made. -% -The severity of an itch is inversely proportional -to the reach. -% -The simpler the instruction, e.g. "press here", the -more difficult it will be to open the package. -% -The six steps of program management are: -(1) Wild enthusiasm -(2) Disenchantment -(3) Total confusion -(4) Search for guilty -(5) Punishment for the innocent -(6) Promotion of the non-participants -% -The slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out -lane. -% -The source for an unattributed quotation will appear -in the most hostile review of your work. -% -The speed of an oncoming vehicle is directly proportional -to the length of the passing zone. -% -The spot you are scrubbing on glassware is always on -the other side. -% -The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of -junk food available. -% -The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, -even in the wrong denomination. -% -The sun goes down just when you need it the most. -% -The system itself does not do what it says it is doing. -% -The tendency of smoke from a cigarette, barbeque, -campfire, etc. to drift into a person's face varies -directly with that person's sensitivity to smoke. -% -The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his -subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems. -% -The time available to go fishing shrinks as the fishing -season draws nearer. -% -The time it takes to rectify a situation is -inversely proportional to the time it took -to do the damage. -% -The total behavior of large systems cannot be predicted. -% -The TV show you've been looking forward to all week -will be preempted. -% -The usefulness of any meeting -is in inverse proportion to the attendance. -% -The value of a program is proportional -to the weight of its output. -% -The worse your line is tangled, the better is the -fishing around you. -% -The wrong quarterback is the one that's in there. -% -The yoo-hoo you yoo-hoo into the forest is the yoo-hoo you -get back. -% -Them what gets--has. -% -There are no winners in life: Only survivors. -% -There are some things which are impossible to know - -but it is impossible to know these things. -% -There are three ways to get things done: - (1) Do it yourself, - (2) Hire someone to do it, or - (3) Forbid your kids to do it. -% -There are two kinds of adhesive tape: That which won't -stay on and that which won't come off. -% -There is a solution to every problem; -the only difficulty is finding it. -% -There is always more dirty laundry then clean laundry. -% -There is always one more bug. -% -There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. -% -There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", -only a capitalist. -% -There is no such thing as a straight line. -% -There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action. -% -There's never time to do it right, but there's always -time to do it over. -% -There's no time like the present for postponing -what you don't want to do. -% -Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other. -% -Things get worse under pressure. -% -This space for rent. -% -Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least. -% -Those with the best advice offer no advice. -% -Time spent consuming a meal is in inverse proportion -to time spent preparing it. -% -To err is human -- to blame it on someone else is -even more human. -% -To err is human, but to really foul things up requires -a computer. -% -To err is human, to forgive is divine -- -but to forget it altogether is humane. -% -To get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it. -% -To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression. -% -To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job -will take the longest and cost the most. -% -Trial balances don't. -% -Truth is elastic. -% -Unless the results are known in advance, funding -agencies will reject the proposal. -% -Unless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man -in the balls, not even symbolically or perhaps especially -not symbolically. -% -Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation -for being useful. -% -Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by -spontaneously moving from where you left them to where -you can't find them. -% -Washing machines only break down during the wash cycle. -% -Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. -% -"Watching a birdie" in hand is safer than watching -one overhead. -% -Whatever can go to New York, will. -% -Whatever carrousel you stand by, your baggage will -come in on another one. -% -Whatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest -number must happen. -% -Whatever happens to you, it will previously have -happened to everyone you know only more so. -% -Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. -% -Whatever it is, somebody will have had it for lunch. -% -When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, -it will work perfectly. -% -When a distinguished scientist states something is possible, -he is almost certainly right. When he states that -something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. -% -When a student asks for a second time if you have read -his book report, he did not read the book. -% -When a writer prepares a manuscript on a subject he does -not understand, his work will be understood only by -readers who know more about that subject than he does. -% -When all else fails, read the instructions. -% -When an exaggerated emphasis is placed upon delegation, -responsibility, like sediment, sinks to the bottom. -% -When in doubt, don't mumble, overexpose ... then mumble. -% -When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. -% -When in doubt, mumble. -When in trouble, delegate. -When in charge, ponder. -% -When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue. -% -When in trouble, obfuscate. -% -When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade. -% -When more and more people are thrown out of work, -unemployment results. -% -When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used -interchangeably. -% -When outrageous expenditures are divided finely enough -the public will not have enough stake in any one -expenditure to squelch it. -% -When properly administered, vacations do not diminish -productivity. For every week you are away and get nothing -done, there is another week when your boss is away and you -get twice as much done. -% -When putting it into memory, remember where you put it. -% -When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most -important ones will be illegible. -% -When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it -around instead of picking it up. -% -When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. - -- Lynch -% -When the government bureau's remedies do not match your -problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. -% -When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you -becomes a hammer. -% -When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system -will perform perfectly. -% -When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad. -% -When things are going well, someone will inevitably -experiment detrimentally. -% -When things are going well, something will go wrong. -When things just can't get any worse, they will. -When things appear to be going better you have overlooked -something. -% -When traveling overseas, the exchange rate improves -markedly the day after one has purchased foreign -currency. - -Upon returning home, the exchange rate drops again as -soon as one has converted all unused foreign currency. -% -When we try to pick out anything by itself we find -it hitched to everything else in the universe. -% -When working toward the solution of a problem, -it always helps if you know the answer. -Provided of course you know there is a problem. -% -When you are able to schedule two classes in a row, -they will be held in classrooms at opposite end of -the campus. -% -When you are right be logical, -when you are wrong be-fuddle. -% -When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty -to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you. -% -When you consider there are 24 hours in a day, it's -sad to know that only one is called the happy hour. -% -When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal -% -When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. -% -When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the -world's composed of aluminum and vinyl. -% -When your opponent is down, kick him. -% -When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn -green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop. -% -Whenever a superstar is traded to your favorite team, -he fades. Whenever your team trades away a useless -no-name, he immediately rises to stardom. -% -Whenever you cut your fingernails you will find a -need for them an hour later. -% -Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit. -% -Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today! -% -Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet -reached their level of incompetence. -% -Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the -water that keeps it green. -% -Workers won't. -% -Working capital doesn't. -% -Writings prepared without understanding must fail in the -first objective of communication -- informing -the uninformed. -% -You are always complimented on the item which took the -least effort to prepare. - -Example: - If you make "duck a l'orange" you will be - complimented on the baked potato. -% -You are not drunk if you can lay on the floor without -holding on. -% -You can always find what you're not looking for. -% -You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to -float on his back, you've really got something. -% -You can never do just one thing. - -- Hardin -% -You can pray hard enough to make water run uphill -how hard? -Hard enough to make water run uphill. -% -You can't expect to hit the jackpot -if you don't put a few nickels in the machine. -% -You can't fix it if it ain't broke. -% -You can't guard against the arbitrary. -% -You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it. -% -You don't have to be crazy to work here -but it sure helps!!!!!!! -% -You may be recognized soon. -Hide! -If they find you, lie. -% -You may know where the market is going, but you can't -possibly know where it's going after that. -% -You never have the right number of pills left on the -last day of a prescription. -% -You never know who's right, but you always know -who's in charge. -% -You sure have to borrow a lot of money these days to -be an average consumer. -% -You will always find something in the last place you look. -% -You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash -when the garbage truck is two doors away. -% -You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you -don't burn your bridges until you come to them. -% -You win some, lose some, and some get rained out; but you -gotta suit up for them all. -% diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy-o b/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy-o deleted file mode 100644 index 94c9cc2..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy-o +++ /dev/null @@ -1,30 +0,0 @@ -%%$FreeBSD$ -% -All probabilities are 50%: either a thing will -happen or it won't. - -This is especially true when dealing with women. - -Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. -% -Early to rise and early to bed makes a male -healthy and wealthy and dead. -% -It's always the wrong time of the month. -% -Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. -% -One's life tends to be like a beaver's, -one dam thing after another. -% -Pity the poor egg; -It only gets laid once in its life. -% -Sow your wild oats on Saturday night - then on -Sunday pray for crop failure. -% -When you're up to your nose in shit, -be sure to keep your mouth shut. -% -You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think. -% diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy.sp.ok b/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy.sp.ok deleted file mode 100644 index 0287e6a..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy.sp.ok +++ /dev/null @@ -1,36 +0,0 @@ -# $FreeBSD$ -abend -ACF -barbeque -Carroll -Chevrolets -countercan't -crabgrass -DP -feebs -Freud's -fruitcakes -gotta -headlamp -IQ -IRS -l'orange -MCP -Murphy's -paranoids -plumber's -postmortems -Poul -profanities -RACF -radiologists -roccoco -saad -Siezbo -simps -Souffles -subordinate's -superstar -szechuan -Twinkies -walkthroughs diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/startrek b/games/fortune/datfiles/startrek deleted file mode 100644 index af3f9d4..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/startrek +++ /dev/null @@ -1,759 +0,0 @@ -%% $FreeBSD$ -% - "... freedom ... is a worship word..." - "It is our worship word too." - -- Cloud William and Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown -% - "Beauty is transitory." - "Beauty survives." - -- Spock and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown -% - "Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away -with jealousy, greed, hate ..." - "It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness, -sentiment -- the other side of the coin" - -- Dr. Roger Corby and Kirk, - "What are Little Girls Made Of?", stardate 2712.4 -% - "Evil does seek to maintain power by suppressing the truth." - "Or by misleading the innocent." - -- Spock and McCoy, "And The Children Shall Lead", - stardate 5029.5. -% - "Get back to your stations!" - "We're beaming down to the planet, sir." - -- Kirk and Mr. Leslie, "This Side of Paradise", - stardate 3417.3 -% - "I think they're going to take all this money that we spend now -on war and death --" - "And make them spend it on life." - -- Edith Keeler and Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever", - stardate unknown. -% - "It's hard to believe that something which is neither seen nor -felt can do so much harm." - "That's true. But an idea can't be seen or felt. And that's -what kept the Troglytes in the mines all these centuries. A mistaken idea." - -- Vanna and Kirk, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5819.0 -% - "Life and death are seldom logical." - "But attaining a desired goal always is." - -- McCoy and Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2821.7 -% - "Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here." - "You admit that?" - "To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor" - -- Spock and McCoy, "A Piece of the Action", stardate unknown -% - "No one talks peace unless he's ready to back it up with war." - "He talks of peace if it is the only way to live." - -- Colonel Green and Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", - stardate 5906.5. -% - "That unit is a woman." - "A mass of conflicting impulses." - -- Spock and Nomad, "The Changeling", stardate 3541.9 -% - "The combination of a number of things to make existence worthwhile." - "Yes, the philosophy of 'none,' meaning 'all.'" - -- Spock and Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4 -% - "The glory of creation is in its infinite diversity." - "And in the way our differences combine to create meaning and -beauty." - -- Dr. Miranda Jones and Spock, - "Is There in Truth No Beauty?", stardate 5630.8 -% - "The release of emotion is what keeps us healthy. Emotionally -healthy." - "That may be, Doctor. However, I have noted that the healthy -release of emotion is frequently unhealthy for those closest to you." - -- McCoy and Spock, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3 -% - "There's only one kind of woman ..." - "Or man, for that matter. You either believe in yourself or -you don't." - -- Kirk and Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1 -% - "We have the right to survive!" - "Not by killing others." - -- Deela and Kirk, "Wink of An Eye", stardate 5710.5 -% - "What a terrible way to die." - "There are no good ways." - -- Sulu and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown -% - "What happened to the crewman?" - "The M-5 computer needed a new power source, the crewman merely -got in the way." - -- Kirk and Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer", - stardate 4731.3. -% -... bacteriological warfare ... hard to believe we were once foolish -enough to play around with that. - -- McCoy, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown -% -... The prejudices people feel about each other disappear when they get -to know each other. - -- Kirk, "Elaan of Troyius", stardate 4372.5 -% -... The things love can drive a man to -- the ecstasies, the -miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious -failures and the glorious victories. - -- McCoy, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7 -% -A father doesn't destroy his children. - -- Lt. Carolyn Palamas, "Who Mourns for Adonais?", - stardate 3468.1. -% -A little suffering is good for the soul. - -- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0 -% -A man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it head-on and -licks it, or he turns his back on it and starts to wither away. - -- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown -% -A princess should not be afraid -- not with a brave knight to protect -her. - -- McCoy, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.3 -% -A star captain's most solemn oath is that he will give his life, even -his entire crew, rather than violate the Prime Directive. - -- Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown -% -A Vulcan can no sooner be disloyal than he can exist without -breathing. - -- Kirk, "The Menagerie", stardate 3012.4 -% -A woman should have compassion. - -- Kirk, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2 -% -Actual war is a very messy business. Very, very messy business. - -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0 -% -After a time, you may find that "having" is not so pleasing a thing, -after all, as "wanting." It is not logical, but it is often true. - -- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7 -% -All your people must learn before you can reach for the stars. - -- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion", stardate 3259.2 -% -Another Armenia, Belgium ... the weak innocents who always seem to be -located on a natural invasion route. - -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.4 -% -Another dream that failed. There's nothing sadder. - -- Kirk, "This side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3 -% -Another war ... must it always be so? How many comrades have we lost -in this way? ... Obedience. Duty. Death, and more death ... - -- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2 -% -Behind every great man, there is a woman -- urging him on. - -- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3 -% -Blast medicine anyway! We've learned to tie into every organ in the -human body but one. The brain! The brain is what life is all about. - -- McCoy, "The Menagerie", stardate 3012.4 -% -But it's real. And if it's real it can be affected ... we may not be -able to break it, but, I'll bet you credits to Navy Beans we can put a -dent in it. - -- deSalle, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2 -% -Change is the essential process of all existence. - -- Spock, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield", stardate 5730.2 -% -Compassion -- that's the one thing no machine ever had. Maybe it's -the one thing that keeps men ahead of them. - -- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3 -% -Computers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no wish to -serve under them. Captain, a starship also runs on loyalty to one -man. And nothing can replace it or him. - -- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4 -% -Conquest is easy. Control is not. - -- Kirk, "Mirror, Mirror", stardate unknown -% -Death. Destruction. Disease. Horror. That's what war is all about. -That's what makes it a thing to be avoided. - -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0 -% -Death, when unnecessary, is a tragic thing. - -- Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7 -% -Do you know about being with somebody? Wanting to be? If I had the -whole universe, I'd give it to you, Janice. When I see you, I feel -like I'm hungry all over. Do you know how that feels? - -- Charlie Evans, "Charlie X", stardate 1535.8 -% -Do you know the one -- "All I ask is a tall ship, and a star to steer -her by ..." You could feel the wind at your back, about you ... the -sounds of the sea beneath you. And even if you take away the wind and -the water, it's still the same. The ship is yours ... you can feel her -... and the stars are still there. - -- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4 -% -[Doctors and Bartenders], We both get the same two kinds of customers --- the living and the dying. - -- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown -% -Each kiss is as the first. - -- Miramanee, Kirk's wife, "The Paradise Syndrome", - stardate 4842.6 -% -Earth -- mother of the most beautiful women in the universe. - -- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1 -% -Either one of us, by himself, is expendable. Both of us are not. - -- Kirk, "The Devil in the Dark", stardate 3196.1 -% -Emotions are alien to me. I'm a scientist. - -- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3 -% -Even historians fail to learn from history -- they repeat the same -mistakes. - -- John Gill, "Patterns of Force", stardate 2534.7 -% -Every living thing wants to survive. - -- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3 -% -Extreme feminine beauty is always disturbing. - -- Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4 -% -Fascinating, a totally parochial attitude. - -- Spock, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8 -% -Fascinating is a word I use for the unexpected. - -- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5 -% -First study the enemy. Seek weakness. - -- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2 -% -Four thousand throats may be cut in one night by a running man. - -- Klingon Soldier, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown -% -Genius doesn't work on an assembly line basis. You can't simply say, -"Today I will be brilliant." - -- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3 -% -He's dead, Jim - -- McCoy, "The Devil in the Dark", stardate 3196.1 -% -History tends to exaggerate. - -- Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4 -% -Humans do claim a great deal for that particular emotion (love). - -- Spock, "The Lights of Zetar", stardate 5725.6 -% -I am pleased to see that we have differences. May we together become -greater than the sum of both of us. - -- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4 -% -I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to -any question. - -- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3 -% -I object to intellect without discipline; I object to power without -constructive purpose. - -- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5 -% -I realize that command does have its fascination, even under -circumstances such as these, but I neither enjoy the idea of command -nor am I frightened of it. It simply exists, and I will do whatever -logically needs to be done. - -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2812.7 -% -I thought my people would grow tired of killing. But you were right, -they see it is easier than trading. And it has its pleasures. I feel -it myself. Like the hunt, but with richer rewards. - -- Apella, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8 -% -If a man had a child who'd gone anti-social, killed perhaps, he'd still -tend to protect that child. - -- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3 -% -If I can have honesty, it's easier to overlook mistakes. - -- Kirk, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9 -% -If some day we are defeated, well, war has its fortunes, good and bad. - -- Commander Kor, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7 -% -If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them. - -- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.7 -% -I'm a soldier, not a diplomat. I can only tell the truth. - -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.9 -% -I'm frequently appalled by the low regard you Earthmen have for life. - -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3 -% -Immortality consists largely of boredom. - -- Zefrem Cochrane, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8 -% -In the strict scientific sense we all feed on death -- even -vegetarians. - -- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4 -% -Insufficient facts always invite danger. - -- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9 -% -Insults are effective only where emotion is present. - -- Spock, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1 -% -Intuition, however illogical, is recognized as a command prerogative. - -- Kirk, "Obsession", stardate 3620.7 -% -Is not that the nature of men and women -- that the pleasure is in the -learning of each other? - -- Natira, the High Priestess of Yonada, "For the World is - Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky", stardate 5476.3. -% -Is truth not truth for all? - -- Natira, "For the World is Hollow and I have Touched - the Sky", stardate 5476.4. -% -It [being a Vulcan] means to adopt a philosophy, a way of life which is -logical and beneficial. We cannot disregard that philosophy merely for -personal gain, no matter how important that gain might be. - -- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4 -% -It is a human characteristic to love little animals, especially if -they're attractive in some way. - -- McCoy, "The Trouble with Tribbles", stardate 4525.6 -% -It is more rational to sacrifice one life than six. - -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3 -% -It is necessary to have purpose. - -- Alice #1, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3 -% -It is undignified for a woman to play servant to a man who is not -hers. - -- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7 -% -It would be illogical to assume that all conditions remain stable. - -- Spock, "The Enterprise Incident", stardate 5027.3 -% -It would be illogical to kill without reason - -- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4 -% -It would seem that evil retreats when forcibly confronted - -- Yarnek of Excalbia, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5 -% -I've already got a female to worry about. Her name is the Enterprise. - -- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0 -% -Killing is stupid; useless! - -- McCoy, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8 -% -Killing is wrong. - -- Losira, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown -% -Knowledge, sir, should be free to all! - -- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3 -% -Landru! Guide us! - -- A Beta 3-oid, "The Return of the Archons", stardate 3157.4 -% -Leave bigotry in your quarters; there's no room for it on the bridge. - -- Kirk, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2 -% -Live long and prosper. - -- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7 -% -Lots of people drink from the wrong bottle sometimes. - -- Edith Keeler, "The City on the Edge of Forever", - stardate unknown -% -Love sometimes expresses itself in sacrifice. - -- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3220.3 -% -Madness has no purpose. Or reason. But it may have a goal. - -- Spock, "The Alternative Factor", stardate 3088.7 -% -Many Myths are based on truth - -- Spock, "The Way to Eden", stardate 5832.3 -% -Men don't talk peace unless they're ready to back it up with war. - -- Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4 -% -Men of peace usually are [brave]. - -- Spock, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5 -% -Men will always be men -- no matter where they are. - -- Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1329.8 -% -Military secrets are the most fleeting of all. - -- Spock, "The Enterprise Incident", stardate 5027.4 -% -Most legends have their basis in facts. - -- Kirk, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5 -% -Murder is contrary to the laws of man and God. - -- M-5 Computer, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3 -% -No more blah, blah, blah! - -- Kirk, "Miri", stardate 2713.6 -% -No one can guarantee the actions of another. - -- Spock, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown -% -No one may kill a man. Not for any purpose. It cannot be condoned. - -- Kirk, "Spock's Brain", stardate 5431.6 -% -No one wants war. - -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7 -% -No problem is insoluble. - -- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4 -% -Not one hundred percent efficient, of course ... but nothing ever is. - -- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8 -% -Oblivion together does not frighten me, beloved. - -- Thalassa (in Anne Mulhall's body), "Return to Tomorrow", - stardate 4770.3. -% -Oh, that sound of male ego. You travel halfway across the galaxy and -it's still the same song. - -- Eve McHuron, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1 -% -On my planet, to rest is to rest -- to cease using energy. To me, it -is quite illogical to run up and down on green grass, using energy, -instead of saving it. - -- Spock, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.2 -% -One does not thank logic. - -- Sarek, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4 -% -One of the advantages of being a captain is being able to ask for -advice without necessarily having to take it. - -- Kirk, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.2 -% -Only a fool fights in a burning house. - -- Kang the Klingon, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown -% -Our missions are peaceful -- not for conquest. When we do battle, it -is only because we have no choice. - -- Kirk, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5 -% -Our way is peace. - -- Septimus, the Son Worshiper, "Bread and Circuses", - stardate 4040.7. -% -Pain is a thing of the mind. The mind can be controlled. - -- Spock, "Operation -- Annihilate!" stardate 3287.2 -% -Peace was the way. - -- Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate unknown -% -Power is danger. - -- The Centurion, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2 -% -Prepare for tomorrow -- get ready. - -- Edith Keeler, "The City On the Edge of Forever", - stardate unknown -% -Punishment becomes ineffective after a certain point. Men become -insensitive. - -- Eneg, "Patterns of Force", stardate 2534.7 -% -Respect is a rational process - -- McCoy, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3 -% -Romulan women are not like Vulcan females. We are not dedicated to -pure logic and the sterility of non-emotion. - -- Romulan Commander, "The Enterprise Incident", - stardate 5027.3 -% -Schshschshchsch. - -- The Gorn, "Arena", stardate 3046.2 -% -Sometimes a feeling is all we humans have to go on. - -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.9 -% -Sometimes a man will tell his bartender things he'll never tell his doctor. - -- Dr. Phillip Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), - stardate unknown. -% -Star Trek Lives! -% -Suffocating together ... would create heroic camaraderie. - -- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3142.8 -% -Superior ability breeds superior ambition. - -- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9 -% -The face of war has never changed. Surely it is more logical to heal -than to kill. - -- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5 -% -The games have always strengthened us. Death becomes a familiar -pattern. We don't fear it as you do. - -- Proconsul Marcus Claudius, "Bread and Circuses", - stardate 4041.2 -% -The heart is not a logical organ. - -- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4 -% -The idea of male and female are universal constants. - -- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8 -% -The joys of love made her human and the agonies of love destroyed her. - -- Spock, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5842.8 -% -The man on tops walks a lonely street; the "chain" of command is often -a noose. - -- McCoy, "The Conscience of the King," stardate 2818.9 -% -The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of -play. - -- Kirk, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.8 -% -The only solution is ... a balance of power. We arm our side with -exactly that much more. A balance of power -- the trickiest, most -difficult, dirtiest game of them all. But the only one that preserves -both sides. - -- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8 -% -The people of Gideon have always believed that life is sacred. That -the love of life is the greatest gift ... We are incapable of -destroying or interfering with the creation of that which we love so -deeply -- life in every form from fetus to developed being. - -- Hodin of Gideon, "The Mark of Gideon", stardate 5423.4 -% -The sight of death frightens them [Earthers]. - -- Kras the Klingon, "Friday's Child", stardate 3497.2 -% -The sooner our happiness together begins, the longer it will last. - -- Miramanee, "The Paradise Syndrome", stardate 4842.6 -% -There are always alternatives. - -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3 -% -There are certain things men must do to remain men. - -- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4929.4 -% -There are some things worth dying for. - -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7 -% -There comes to all races an ultimate crisis which you have yet to face -.... One day our minds became so powerful we dared think of ourselves -as gods. - -- Sargon, "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4768.3 -% -There is a multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. - -- Spock, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.9 -% -There is an old custom among my people. When a woman saves a man's -life, he is grateful. - -- Nona, the Kanuto witch woman, "A Private Little War", - stardate 4211.8. -% -There is an order of things in this universe. - -- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1 -% -There's a way out of any cage. - -- Captain Christopher Pike, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), - stardate unknown. -% -There's another way to survive. Mutual trust -- and help. - -- Kirk, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown -% -There's no honorable way to kill, no gentle way to destroy. There is -nothing good in war. Except its ending. - -- Abraham Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5 -% -There's nothing disgusting about it [the Companion]. It's just another -life form, that's all. You get used to those things. - -- McCoy, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8 -% -This cultural mystique surrounding the biological function -- you -realize humans are overly preoccupied with the subject. - -- Kelinda the Kelvan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4658.9 -% -Those who hate and fight must stop themselves -- otherwise it is not -stopped. - -- Spock, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown -% -Time is fluid ... like a river with currents, eddies, backwash. - -- Spock, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0 -% -To live is always desirable. - -- Eleen the Capellan, "Friday's Child", stardate 3498.9 -% -Too much of anything, even love, isn't necessarily a good thing. - -- Kirk, "The Trouble with Tribbles", stardate 4525.6 -% -Totally illogical, there was no chance. - -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3 -% -Uncontrolled power will turn even saints into savages. And we can all -be counted on to live down to our lowest impulses. - -- Parmen, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3 -% -Violence in reality is quite different from theory. - -- Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4 -% -Virtue is a relative term. - -- Spock, "Friday's Child", stardate 3499.1 -% -Vulcans believe peace should not depend on force. - -- Amanda, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.3 -% -Vulcans do not approve of violence. - -- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4 -% -Vulcans never bluff. - -- Spock, "The Doomsday Machine", stardate 4202.1 -% -Vulcans worship peace above all. - -- McCoy, "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4768.3 -% -Wait! You have not been prepared! - -- Mr. Atoz, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate 3113.2 -% -[War] is instinctive. But the instinct can be fought. We're human -beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands! But we -can stop it. We can admit that we're killers ... but we're not going -to kill today. That's all it takes! Knowing that we're not going to -kill today! - -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0 -% -War is never imperative. - -- McCoy, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2 -% -War isn't a good life, but it's life. - -- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8 -% -We do not colonize. We conquer. We rule. There is no other way for -us. - -- Rojan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4657.5 -% -We fight only when there is no other choice. We prefer the ways of -peaceful contact. - -- Kirk, "Spectre of the Gun", stardate 4385.3 -% -We have found all life forms in the galaxy are capable of superior -development. - -- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion", stardate 3211.7 -% -We have phasers, I vote we blast 'em! - -- Bailey, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.2 -% -We Klingons believe as you do -- the sick should die. Only the strong -should live. - -- Kras, "Friday's Child", stardate 3497.2 -% -We're all sorry for the other guy when he loses his job to a machine. -But when it comes to your job -- that's different. And it always will -be different. - -- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4 -% -What kind of love is that? Not to be loved; never to have shown love. - -- Commissioner Nancy Hedford, "Metamorphosis", - stardate 3219.8 -% -When a child is taught ... it's programmed with simple instructions -- -and at some point, if its mind develops properly, it exceeds the sum of -what it was taught, thinks independently. - -- Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer", - stardate 4731.3. -% -When dreams become more important than reality, you give up travel, -building, creating; you even forget how to repair the machines left -behind by your ancestors. You just sit living and reliving other lives -left behind in the thought records. - -- Vina, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown -% -Where there's no emotion, there's no motive for violence. - -- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.1 -% -Witch! Witch! They'll burn ya! - -- Hag, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate unknown -% -Without facts, the decision cannot be made logically. You must rely on -your human intuition. - -- Spock, "Assignment: Earth", stardate unknown -% -Without followers, evil cannot spread. - -- Spock, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5 -% -Without freedom of choice there is no creativity. - -- Kirk, "The return of the Archons", stardate 3157.4 -% -Women are more easily and more deeply terrified ... generating more -sheer horror than the male of the species. - -- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4 -% -Women professionals do tend to over-compensate. - -- Dr. Elizabeth Dehner, "Where No Man Has Gone Before", - stardate 1312.9. -% -Worlds are conquered, galaxies destroyed -- but a woman is always a -woman. - -- Kirk, "Conscience of the King", stardate unknown -% -Worlds may change, galaxies disintegrate, but a woman always remains a -woman. - -- Kirk, "The Conscience of the King", stardate 2818.9 -% -Yes, it is written. Good shall always destroy evil. - -- Sirah the Yang, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown -% -You! What PLANET is this?! - -- McCoy, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0 -% -You are an excellent tactician, Captain. You let your second in -command attack while you sit and watch for weakness. - -- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9 -% -You can't evaluate a man by logic alone. - -- McCoy, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3 -% -You Earth people glorified organized violence for forty centuries. But -you imprison those who employ it privately. - -- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.1 -% -You go slow, be gentle. It's no one-way street -- you know how you -feel and that's all. It's how the girl feels too. Don't press. If -the girl feels anything for you at all, you'll know. - -- Kirk, "Charlie X", stardate 1535.8 -% -You humans have that emotional need to express gratitude. "You're -welcome," I believe, is the correct response. - -- Spock, "Bread and Circuses", stardate 4041.2 -% -You say you are lying. But if everything you say is a lie, then you -are telling the truth. You cannot tell the truth because everything -you say is a lie. You lie, you tell the truth ... but you cannot, for -you lie. - -- Norman the android, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3 -% -You speak of courage. Obviously you do not know the difference between -courage and foolhardiness. Always it is the brave ones who die, the -soldiers. - -- Kor, the Klingon Commander, "Errand of Mercy", - stardate 3201.7 -% -You'll learn something about men and women -- the way they're supposed -to be. Caring for each other, being happy with each other, being good -to each other. That's what we call love. You'll like that a lot. - -- Kirk, "The Apple", stardate 3715.6 -% -You're dead, Jim. - -- McCoy, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7 -% -You're dead, Jim. - -- McCoy, "The Tholian Web", stardate unknown -% -You're too beautiful to ignore. Too much woman. - -- Kirk to Yeoman Rand, "The Enemy Within", stardate unknown -% -Youth doesn't excuse everything. - -- Dr. Janice Lester (in Kirk's body), "Turnabout Intruder", - stardate 5928.5. -% diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/startrek.sp.ok b/games/fortune/datfiles/startrek.sp.ok deleted file mode 100644 index ccca709..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/startrek.sp.ok +++ /dev/null @@ -1,86 +0,0 @@ -# $FreeBSD$ -Adonais -Amanda -Apella -Archons -Armenia -Atoz -Capellan -Catspaw -Centurion -Changeling -Claudius -Corbomite -Corby -Daystrom -Deela -Elaan -Eleen -Eneg -Excalbia -Galileo -Gorn -Gothos -Hag -Hedford -Hodin -Kang -Kanuto -Kelinda -Kelvan -Klingon -Klingons -Kor -Kras -Landru -Losira -Lt -McHuron -Miramanee -Miri -Mulhall's -Natira -Nomad -Nona -Noonian -Palamas -Parmen -Phillip -Priestess -Proconsul -Requiem -Rojan -Romulan -Sarek -Sargon -Schshschshchsch -Septimus -Singh -Sirah -Spectre -Spock -Spock's -Stepchildren -Sulu -Surak -Thalassa -Tholian -Tribbles -Triskelion -Troglytes -Troyius -Vanna -Vina -Yarnek -Yonada -Zefrem -Zetar -android -backwash -bacteriological -blah -deSalle -oid -stardate -tactician -ya diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/zippy b/games/fortune/datfiles/zippy deleted file mode 100644 index 7c43436..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/zippy +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1335 +0,0 @@ -%% $FreeBSD$ -% - Talking Pinhead Blues: -Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on channel - TWENTY-SIX!! - -Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS has been - DEAD for YEARS.. (sniff) - -My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th' dog, ALEXANDER HAIG - won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter ... (snurf) - -So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me upside mah HAID!! - (on no, no, no.. Heh, heh) -% -... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ... -% -... he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE. -% -... I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q. -LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE! -% -... I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN. -% -... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ... -% --- I have seen the FUN -- -% --- I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC. We're going away -now. I fed the cat. -% -... I see TOILET SEATS ... -% -... I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common -MISAPPREHENSIONS ... -% -... I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!! -% -... I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within -SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!! -% -... ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr ... ich lande im -antiken Rom ... einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble ... ich rieche -PIZZA ... -% -... If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate -man!! -% -... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM -of a KOSHER DELI -- -% -... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling -Alley!! -% -... Now, it's time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!! -% -... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last -Tuesday? -% -... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued -OYSTER! Yum! -% -... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!! -% -... this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!! -% -A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!! -% -A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit! -% -A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume.. -% -A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled -with LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight?? -% -Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!! -% -All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled -by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ... -% -All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER, grow -a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!! ... Although I don't know -WHY!! -% -All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat! -% -All right, you degenerates! I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds! -% -All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT! -% -Alright, you!! Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!! -% -Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN? -% -Am I elected yet? -% -Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet? -% -Am I SHOPLIFTING? -% -America!! I saw it all!! Vomiting! Waving! JERRY FALWELLING into -your void tube of UHF oblivion!! SAFEWAY of the mind ... -% -An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!! -% -An INK-LING? Sure -- TAKE one!! Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS?? -% -An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES! -% -And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!! -% -ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like RICARDO -MONTALBAN'S HAIR! -% -Are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER? -% -Are we live or on tape? -% -Are we on STRIKE yet? -% -Are we THERE yet? -% -Are we THERE yet? My MIND is a SUBMARINE!! -% -Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut?? -% -Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS?? If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!! -% -Are you still an ALCOHOLIC? -% -As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection! -% -Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY? -% -BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!! -% -Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away! -But Ken says, WOO-WOO!! No credit at "Mr. Liquor"!! -% -BARRY ... That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of "I DID IT MY -WAY" I've ever heard!! -% -Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST. -% -BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot ... -% -BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI- -% -Bo Derek ruined my life! -% -Boy, am I glad it's only 1971... -% -Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!! -% -But they went to MARS around 1953!! -% -But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade? -% -Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target -Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept. -% -Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead? -% -Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE? -% -Catsup and Mustard all over the place! It's the Human Hamburger! -% -CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH! -% -Civilization is fun! Anyway, it keeps me busy!! -% -Clear the laundromat!! This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!! -% -Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS! Remember the SERIAL -NUMBERS!! Follow the WHIPPLE AVE. EXIT!! Have a FREE PEPSI!! Turn -LEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!! JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!! MAKE me an OFFER!!! -% -CONGRATULATIONS! Now should I make thinly veiled comments about -DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE?? -% -Content: 80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRON ... The waitress's UNIFORM sheds -TARTAR SAUCE like an 8" by 10" GLOSSY ... -% -Could I have a drug overdose? -% -Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations in -a MALIBU HOT TUB? -% -Did I do an INCORRECT THING?? -% -Did I say I was a sardine? Or a bus??? -% -Did I SELL OUT yet?? -% -Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA? -% -Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy? -% -DIDI ... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL? -% -Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo? -% -Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahyde pipeline running -straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the -dollar! -% -Do I have a lifestyle yet? -% -Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space? -% -Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat?? -% -Do you like "TENDER VITTLES"? -% -Do you think the "Monkees" should get gas on odd or even days? -% -Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me? -% -does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS? -% -DON'T go!! I'm not HOWARD COSELL!! I know POLISH JOKES ... WAIT!! -Don't go!! I AM Howard Cosell! ... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!! -% -Don't hit me!! I'm in the Twilight Zone!!! -% -Don't SANFORIZE me!! -% -Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either! ... -FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, BLACK -STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY! ... Are there any QUESTIONS?? -% -Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!! -% -Eisenhower!! Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!! -% -Either CONFESS now or we go to "PEOPLE'S COURT"!! -% -Everybody gets free BORSCHT! -% -Everybody is going somewhere!! It's probably a garage sale or a -disaster Movie!! -% -Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT ... -% -Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the survival of -OFFSET PRINTING? -% -FEELINGS are cascading over me!!! -% -Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the faculty -dining room. -% -First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test ... So -just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!! -% -FOOLED you! Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!! -% -for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!! -% -Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my -gothic solarium!! -% -FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS ... -% -FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!! -% -Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make my -satellite dish PAYMENTS! -% -Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ... -% -Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!! -% -Go on, EMOTE! I was RAISED on thought balloons!! -% -GOOD-NIGHT, everybody ... Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID to my -pet LEISURE SUIT!! -% -HAIR TONICS, please!! -% -Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste! -% -Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard -- I'm living for -today! -% -Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES?? ... Now, it's -time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!! -% -He is the MELBA-BEING ... the ANGEL CAKE ... XEROX him ... XEROX him -- -% -He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE inside me -like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER! Or maybe he'd like to -PSYCHOLOGICALLY TERRORISE ME until I have no objection to a RIGHT-WING -MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!! I guess I should call AL PACINO! -% -Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I -guess ... -% -Hello. I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic Alaskan -females!! -% -Hello... IRON CURTAIN? Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA! World War III? No -thanks! -% -Hello. Just walk along and try NOT to think about your INTESTINES -being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!! -% -HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!! -% -Hello, GORRY-O!! I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!! -% -HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death! -% -Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying my urine sample -bottles ... -% -Here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!! -% -Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN -anywhere!! -% -Here we are in America ... when do we collect unemployment? -% -Hey, wait a minute!! I want a divorce!! ... you're not Clint Eastwood!! -% -Hey, waiter! I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce! -% -Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some -drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!! -% -Hmmm ... a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT by a -TROLLEY-CAR ... -% -Hmmm ... A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted -island, when ... -% -Hmmm ... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET -FIDDLE ORCHESTRA ... ha ... ha ... -% -Hmmm ... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of POLYVINYL -CHLORIDE ... -% -Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS ... -% -HOORAY, Ronald!! Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!! -% -How do I get HOME? -% -How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions? It's th' -MOUSTACHE ... Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates SINCERITY, -HONESTY & WARMTH? It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take HOME and introduce -to NANCY SINATRA! -% -How many retired bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing PENCIL -SHARPENERS right NOW?? -% -How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS?? -% -How's the wife? Is she at home enjoying capitalism? -% -hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub. -% -HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!! -% -HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST ... -% -I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!! -% -I am a jelly donut. I am a jelly donut. -% -I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginzberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927! -% -I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller! -% -I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST! -% -I am having FUN... I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN? -% -I am NOT a nut.... -% -I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!! -% -I brought my BOWLING BALL -- and some DRUGS!! -% -I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!! -% -I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!! I wonder if BOB -GUCCIONE has these problems! -% -I can't think about that. It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of -LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS ... -% -I demand IMPUNITY! -% -I didn't order any WOO-WOO ... Maybe a YUBBA ... But no WOO-WOO! -% -I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE ... I think it's all -just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell -more numbers!! -% -I don't know WHY I said that ... I think it came from the FILLINGS in -my read molars ... -% -I don't understand the HUMOUR of the THREE STOOGES!! -% -I feel ... JUGULAR ... -% -I feel better about world problems now! -% -I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon! -% -I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSHCHEV ... -% -I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!! -% -I feel partially hydrogenated! -% -I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies of the -"WATCHTOWER" and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to the top ... They look NICE -in the yard ... -% -I guess it was all a DREAM ... or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O ... -% -I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING! -% -I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81 ... -% -I had pancake makeup for brunch! -% -I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD -% -I have a very good DENTAL PLAN. Thank you. -% -I have a VISION! It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!! -% -I have accepted Provolone into my life! -% -I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS.. -% -I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... -% -I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... I have read the -INSTRUCTIONS ... -% -I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!! -% -I HAVE to buy a new "DODGE MISER" and two dozen JORDACHE JEANS because -my viewscreen is "USER-FRIENDLY"!! -% -I haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling -every day from Oral Roberts!! -% -I hope I bought the right relish ... zzzzzzzzz ... -% -I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have a REASON to -live!! -% -I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control ... -% -I hope you millionaires are having fun! I just invested half your life -savings in yeast!! -% -I invented skydiving in 1989! -% -I joined scientology at a garage sale!! -% -I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!! -% -I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker ... But now I can't remember WHO he -is ... -% -I just had a NOSE JOB!! -% -I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON! -% -I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!! And I was just getting in touch -with my LEISURE SUIT!! -% -I just remembered something about a TOAD! -% -I KAISER ROLL?! What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little COLE SLAW -on the SIDE? -% -I Know A Joke -% -I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!! -% -I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!! -% -I know th'MAMBO!! I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!! -% -I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!! -% -I like the way ONLY their mouths move ... They look like DYING OYSTERS -% -I like your SNOOPY POSTER!! -% -I love ROCK 'N ROLL! I memorized the all WORDS to "WIPE-OUT" in -1965!! -% -I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least six studio -SLEAZEBALLS!! -% -I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!! -% -I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank! -% -I put aside my copy of "BOWLING WORLD" and think about GUN CONTROL -legislation.. -% -I represent a sardine!! -% -I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers! -% -I selected E5 ... but I didn't hear "Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs"! -% -I smell a RANCID CORN DOG! -% -I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day! -% -I think I am an overnight sensation right now!! -% -I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this 14th STORY WINDOW while -reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!! -% -I think my career is ruined! -% -I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the HIGH -RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!! -% -I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go ... with EXTRA MSG!! -% -I want a WESSON OIL lease!! -% -I want another RE-WRITE on my CAESAR SALAD!! -% -I want EARS! I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n -secure!! -% -I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres. -% -I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINE -and WHEAT THINS ... -% -I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!! -% -I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!! -% -I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space ... -% -I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!! -% -I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY -... BACKWARDS!! -% -I want you to organize my PASTRY trays ... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in -formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES -- please don't be FURIOUS with -me -- -% -I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution! -% -I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus! -% -I wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!! -% -I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog! -% -I wonder if BOB GUCCIONE has these problems! -% -I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world? -% -I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE as a COMPLETE -STRANGER? -% -I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!! -% -I wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight? -% -I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool -- -% -I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried! -% -I'd like some JUNK FOOD ... and then I want to be ALONE -- -% -If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD for -MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE of a -GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!! -% -If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American a 55-year-old -houseboy ... -% -If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again! -% -If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be -replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET! -% -If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT! -% -If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th' collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!! -% -If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!! Or a SCIENTOLOGIST! -% -if it GLISTENS, gobble it!! -% -If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun! -% -If Robert De Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry -Bonzo?? -% -I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!! -% -I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS ... -% -I'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany -% -I'm a GENIUS! I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN -SONTAG!! -% -I'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex! -% -I'm also against BODY-SURFING!! -% -I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!! -% -I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!! -% -I'm changing the CHANNEL ... But all I get is commercials for "RONCO -MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS"! -% -I'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!! -% -I'm definitely not in Omaha! -% -I'm DESPONDENT ... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this -miniature DOMED STADIUM ... -% -I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!! Too late... -% -I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!! -% -I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!! -% -I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!! -% -I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!! -% -I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!! -% -I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS! -% -I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE ... and I don't take any DRUGS -% -I'm having a tax-deductible experience! I need an energy crunch!! -% -I'm having an emotional outburst!! -% -I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!! But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE in -my PAJAMA POCKET?? -% -I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES of smug and -wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS ... -% -I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!! -% -I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS. -% -I'm into SOFTWARE! -% -I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my -PERSONAL SPACE!! -% -I'm mentally OVERDRAWN! What's that SIGNPOST up ahead? Where's ROD -STERLING when you really need him? -% -I'm not an Iranian!! I voted for Dianne Feinstein!! -% -I'm not available for comment.. -% -I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT! Am I doing it correctly?? -% -I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS instead of RICARDO -MONTALBAN! -% -I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of "BOWLING WORLD" while my wife -and two children stand QUIETLY BY ... -% -I'm rated PG-34!! -% -I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!! -% -I'm RELIGIOUS!! I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!! Equip me with -MISSILES!! -% -I'm reporting for duty as a modern person. I want to do the Latin -Hustle now! -% -I'm shaving!! I'M SHAVING!! -% -I'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN ... To me, it's ENJOYABLE ... I'm WARM -... I'm VIBRATORY ... -% -I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and computer-generated -IMAGE FORMATIONS ... -% -I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of -CHICKEN ... -% -I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the INNER -WORKINGS of this POTATO!! -% -I'm wearing PAMPERS!! -% -I'm wet! I'm wild! -% -I'm young ... I'm HEALTHY ... I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR -REGIONS! -% -I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode. -% -In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a "Continental -Belt," for $10.99!! -% -In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day! -% -INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!! -% -Inside, I'm already SOBBING! -% -Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship? Or are we suffering in -Safeway? -% -Is he the MAGIC INCA carrying a FROG on his shoulders?? Is the FROG -his GUIDELIGHT?? It is curious that a DOG runs already on the -ESCALATOR ... -% -Is it 1974? What's for SUPPER? Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in one -wild afternoon?? -% -Is it clean in other dimensions? -% -Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop in a -plate of SAUCE MORNAY? -% -Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN? -% -Is this an out-take from the "BRADY BUNCH"? -% -Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy? -% -Is this TERMINAL fun? -% -Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also -makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR? -% -Isn't this my STOP?! -% -It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!! -% -It was a JOKE!! Get it?? I was receiving messages from DAVID -LETTERMAN!! YOW!! -% -It's a lot of fun being alive ... I wonder if my bed is made?!? -% -It's NO USE ... I've gone to "CLUB MED"!! -% -It's OBVIOUS ... The FURS never reached ISTANBUL ... You were an EXTRA -in the REMAKE of "TOPKAPI" ... Go home to your WIFE ... She's making -FRENCH TOAST! -% -It's OKAY -- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too. -% -It's the RINSE CYCLE!! They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!! -% -I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT ... -% -I've got an IDEA!! Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, you forget your -SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!! -% -I've read SEVEN MILLION books!! -% -JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach their level -of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING ... -% -Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!! -% -Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL ... -% -Kids, don't gross me off ... "Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE" can be -carried too FAR! -% -Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA, -PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!! -% -Laundry is the fifth dimension!! ... um ... um ... th' washing machine -is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!! -% -LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??! -% -Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you ... I want to WRAP you in a -SCARLET ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE ... I want to EMPTY your -ASHTRAYS ... -% -Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS ... -% -Let's all show human CONCERN for REVEREND MOON's legal difficulties!! -% -Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories! -% -Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST! I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!! -% -Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!! -% -Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!! -% -Look! A ladder! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich! -% -LOOK!! Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and "Flock of -Seagulls" HAIRCUTS! -% -Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!! Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS ... or a -HIGHBALL?? ... -% -Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge -card! -% -Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!! -% -Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP in a -cheap hotel in HONOLULU! -% -Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE -- -% -MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician! -% -MMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION! -% -Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!! A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed with the -shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!! ... Oh BOY!! I'm about to swallow a -TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and -SUGAR!! ... Let's see ... Next, I'll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE, -BABY LAMBS fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded -animal someone once PETTED!! ... YUM!! That was GOOD!! For DESSERT, -I'll have a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS on a stone-ground, WHOLE -WHEAT BUN!! -% -Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production of -the INDONESIAN archipelago? -% -My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!! -% -My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off ... It has noiseless DOZE -FUNCTION and full kitchen!! -% -My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE in upstate New -York!! -% -My EARS are GONE!! -% -My face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's -care!!!! -% -My haircut is totally traditional! -% -MY income is ALL disposable! -% -My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN ... -% -My life is a patio of fun! -% -My mind is a potato field ... -% -My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton ... -% -My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ... -% -my NOSE is NUMB! -% -My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!! -% -My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift! -% -My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C. And I can prove it too!! -% -My vaseline is RUNNING... -% -NANCY!! Why is everything RED?! -% -NATHAN ... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!! They're VOIDED -- They -COLLAPSED They had no CHAINSAWS ... They had no MONEY MACHINES ... They -did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS ... Nathan, I EMULATED them ... but -they were OFF-KEY ... -% -NEWARK has been REZONED!! DES MOINES has been REZONED!! -% -Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!! -% -Not SENSUOUS ... only "FROLICSOME" ... and in need of DENTAL WORK ... -in PAIN!!! -% -Now I am depressed ... -% -Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes JUST -BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER! -% -Now I understand the meaning of "THE MOD SQUAD"! -% -Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP with the -BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!! -% -Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World -War II! -% -Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beautiful, round wives of -HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS and being approached -by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ... -% -Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ... -% -Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!! -% -Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the SMELTING -and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!! -% -Now that I have my "APPLE", I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!! -% -Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE -- -% -Oh, I get it!! "The BEACH goes on", huh, SONNY?? -% -Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!! -% -Okay ... I'm going home to write the "I HATE RUBIK's CUBE HANDBOOK FOR -DEAD CAT LOVERS" ... -% -OKAY!! Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING, FULLY-EQUIPPED -R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!! -% -OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need 4 GALLONS of JELL-O -and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if -it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... ... or ... I ... um ... WHERE'S -the WASHING MACHINES? -% -On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and watch REGIS -PHILBIN ... It's GREAT to be ALIVE!! -% -On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL -QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD if only we let it!! -% -On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a -POINT. -% -Once, there was NO fun ... This was before MENU planning, FASHION -statements or NAUTILUS equipment ... Then, in 1985 ... FUN was -completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP ... It contain 14,768 vaguely -amusing SIT-COM pilots!! We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we -finally got JERRY LEWIS, MTV and a large selection of creme-filled -snack cakes! -% -Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family of -DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their PROPERTY -VALUES!! -% -ONE: I will donate my entire "BABY HUEY" comic book collection to - the downtown PLASMA CENTER ... -TWO: I won't START a BAND called "KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD" ... -THREE: I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!! -% -One FISHWICH coming up!! -% -Our father who art in heaven ... I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY at this -table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN ... and also -leave a GENEROUS TIP .... -% -over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting ... -% -OVER the underpass! UNDER the overpass! Around the FUTURE and BEYOND -REPAIR!! -% -PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH? -% -Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE with your -BOOTH! -% -PEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT. -% -PIZZA!! -% -Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS in the -Trianon Room!! Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES! -% -Please come home with me ... I have Tylenol!! -% -Psychoanalysis?? I thought this was a nude rap session!!! -% -PUNK ROCK!! DISCO DUCK!! BIRTH CONTROL!! -% -Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!! -% -RELATIVES!! -% -Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available ONLY by -prescription!! -% -RHAPSODY in Glue! -% -SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright blue LEG WARMERS -... He scrubs the POPE with a mild soap or detergent for 15 minutes, -starring JANE FONDA!! -% -Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474, San Francisco, CA -94140, USA -% -SHHHH!! I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS into -empty OIL DRUMS ... -% -Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley? -% -Should I get locked in the PRINCICAL'S OFFICE today -- or have a -VASECTOMY?? -% -Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK -hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST? -% -Sign my PETITION. -% -So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYABEAN FUTURES into HIGH-YIELD T-BILL -INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks will DWINDLE to a rate of 2 -SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!! -% -So this is what it feels like to be potato salad -% -someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN -% -Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!! -% -Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB -CHOP!! -% -Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up a -batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!! -% -Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing "Leave it -to Beaver"! -% -Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!! I wonder why? -% -TAILFINS!! ... click ... -% -TAPPING? You POLITICIANS! Don't you realize that the END of the "Wash -Cycle" is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?! -% -Tex SEX! The HOME of WHEELS! The dripping of COFFEE!! Take me to -Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!! -% -Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL -% -Thank god!! ... It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!! -% -The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth -the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!! -% -The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality -- -and have since BIRTH!! -% -The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading down my -SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!! -% -The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN ... -% -The Korean War must have been fun. -% -The Osmonds! You are all Osmonds!! Throwing up on a freeway at -dawn!!! -% -The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!! -% -The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!! But they went to MARS -around 1953!! -% -The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU ... -% -There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS -in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!! -% -There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni! -% -These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!! -% -They collapsed ... like nuns in the street ... they had no teen -appeal! -% -This ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD ... He's so ... so ... URGENT!! -% -This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!! -% -This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully pressed up -against someone's MARTINI!! -% -This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!! -% -This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE ... And he has "VISA"!! -% -This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience! Someone I DON'T LIKE is -talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film ... -% -Those aren't WINOS -- that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST, my SWORD -SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!! -% -Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a ... feeling for the -aesthetic modules -- -% -Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of TAB HUNTER -before his MAKEOVER! -% -Toes, knees, NIPPLES. Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES ... -Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!! -% -TONY RANDALL! Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN?? -% -Uh-oh!! I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS! -% -UH-OH!! I put on "GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's" by -mistake!!! -% -UH-OH!! I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S having a -NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!! Ha ha. -% -Uh-oh!! I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!! -% -UH-OH!! We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS! -% -Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader -frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend? -% -Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE! -% -VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!! -% -Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and -TAX-DEFERRED! -% -Wait ... is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat -Junction?? -% -Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN? It tastes REAL GOOD!! -% -We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot -tub ... -% -We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR -- -% -We just joined the civil hair patrol! -% -We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home. -45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head! -% -Well, here I am in AMERICA.. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I -HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE ... -EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!! -% -Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!! And I'm looking for a way to -VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!! -% -Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN ... I might as well pay a visit to the LADIES -ROOM ... -% -Well, O.K. I'll compromise with my principles because of EXISTENTIAL -DESPAIR! -% -Were these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE? -% -What a COINCIDENCE! I'm an authorized "SNOOTS OF THE STARS" dealer!! -% -What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY? -% -What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK ... -% -What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf? -% -What PROGRAM are they watching? -% -What UNIVERSE is this, please?? -% -What's the MATTER Sid? ... Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory? -% -When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP or -DETERGENT for 15 minutes. He seemed to enjoy it ... -% -When this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN ... -% -When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING? -% -When you said "HEAVILY FORESTED" it reminded me of an overdue CLEANING -BILL ... Don't you SEE? O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE COIN COLLECTION -and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!! -% -Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER? -% -Where does it go when you flush? -% -Where's SANDY DUNCAN? -% -Where's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT?? -% -Where's the Coke machine? Tell me a joke!! -% -While my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING, Jesuit -priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!! -% -While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S bank account ... his -will have the same effect as two "STARCH BLOCKERS"! -% -WHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?! -% -WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! It must be the -NEGATIVE IONS!! -% -Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me?? -% -Why don't you ever enter and CONTESTS, Marvin?? Don't you know your -own ZIPCODE? -% -Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex? -% -Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your HOME ENTERTAINMENT -CENTER with you?? -% -Will it improve my CASH FLOW? -% -Will the third world war keep "Bosom Buddies" off the air? -% -Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease? -% -With YOU, I can be MYSELF ... We don't NEED Dan Rather ... -% -World War III? No thanks! -% -World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced -dress code! -% -Wow! Look!! A stray meatball!! Let's interview it! -% -Xerox your lunch and file it under "sex offenders"! -% -Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather at an IRON -MAIDEN concert? -% -YOU!! Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little VICTORIAN -DOLLHOUSE you can find!! An make it SNAPPY!! -% -You can't hurt me!! I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!! -% -You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR th' -distinction between FANTASY and REALITY? -% -You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA? -% -YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!! -% -You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide on a NEW -CAREER!! -% -You were s'posed to laugh! -% -Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS -- -% -Youth of today! Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental -attitudes! -% -Yow! -% -Yow! Am I having fun yet? -% -Yow! Am I in Milwaukee? -% -Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights! -% -Yow! Are we laid back yet? -% -Yow! Are we wet yet? -% -Yow! Are you the self-frying president? -% -Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie?? -% -YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL! -% -YOW!!! I am having fun!!! -% -Yow! I just went below the poverty line! -% -Yow! I threw up on my window! -% -Yow! I want my nose in lights! -% -Yow! I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua! -% -Yow! I'm having a quadrophonic sensation of two winos alone in a steel -mill! -% -Yow! I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce! -% -YOW!! I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!! -% -Yow! Is my fallout shelter termite proof? -% -Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet?? Is it, huh, is it?? -% -Yow! It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank! -% -Yow! It's some people inside the wall! This is better than mopping! -% -Yow! Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY -- -% -Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING -BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL! -% -YOW!! Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY and th' new TAX REFORM -laws!! -% -Yow! Now we can become alcoholics! -% -YOW!! The land of the rising SONY!! -% -Yow! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!! -% -YOW!! Up ahead! It's a DONUT HUT!! -% -Yow! We're going to a new disco! -% -YOW!! What should the entire human race DO?? Consume a fifth of -CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild SEX WEEKEND! -% -Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses ... -% diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/zippy.sp.ok b/games/fortune/datfiles/zippy.sp.ok deleted file mode 100644 index b2f3fff..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/zippy.sp.ok +++ /dev/null @@ -1,211 +0,0 @@ -# $FreeBSD$ -ANAL -ASEXUAL -Astro -B.C -BANKHEAD -BI -BIO -BORSCHT -BRAINPAN -BURRITO -BURRITOS -Barbie -Bo -Bonzo -CARCRASH -CASIO -CHAINSAWS -CHIVAS -COM -CORDOVANS -COSELL -CROATIAN -Carlsbad -Clift -Cosell -Cupcake -DAQUIRI -DELI -DIDI -DISCO -DISNEYWORLD -DONUT -DOUGHBOY -Darvon -Di -Disco -Donnie -EDSELS -EMOTE -EUBIE -Enema -FALAFEL -FISHNET -FISHWICH -FLEMMING -FLOATATION -FROLICSOME -Feinstein -GOLDIE -GORRY -GUCCIONE -GUIDELIGHT -Gibble -Ginzberg -HAIRPIECE -HAWN -HAYWORTH -HITCHHIKING -HOAX -HOUSECAT -Hmmm -I.Q -INTESTINAL -Iranian -JELL -JELLO -JILLIAN'S -JULIENNED -Jodie -KATRINKA -KNOCKWURST -LBJ -LING -LONI -LUGOSI -Loni -Lycra -MALIBU -MCMAHON -MELBA -MERYL -MMM -MOGULS -MONTALBAN'S -MOUSSE -MSG -MT -MTV -MYSTERIANS -Macy's -Meese -Monkees -NABOBS -NAGEELA -NEBULATION -NICKLES -NUTRA -Niro -OLFACTORY -OMNIVERSAL -OVULAR -Osmond -Osmonds -PAISLEY -PASTA -PG -Pharoahs -Provolone -R.V.'S -RAPHAELITE -RICARDO -RITA -Rom -Roni -SAGAN -SANFORIZE -SCHROON -SCIENTOLOGIST -SERBO -SHOPLIFT -SINATRA -SKEE -SODOMIZE -SONTAG -STREEP -Safeway -Slezak -Spandex -T.V -TACO -TAILFINS -TALLULAH -TINA -TRANSSEXUAL -TRYNEL -Tenafly -Tex -Th -Tylenol -Uh -VASELINE -VELVEETA -WESSON -YEH -YUBBA -Yum -ZIPPY -Zippy -Zippy's -barbequeued -chr -co -cranial -creme -devalue -disco -donut -donuts -dusenjet -einem -einige -frolicking -fuschia -gladiatoren -gothic -graphisticator -hors -houseboy -ich -im -jahr -kidnapped -lande -laundromat -laundromats -lesbian -li'l -manicurist -matic -meatball -meltdown -naugahyde -obstetrician -poindexter -pre -psilocybin -quaaludes -quadrophonic -rieche -s'posed -scientology -skintight -skydiving -solarium -spielen -telex -th -th'HOLIDAY -th'MAMBO -th'RAIN -th'WRENCH -th'cute -thru -thumbtack -uh -um -urinate -vaseline -vor -zzzzzzzzz diff --git a/games/fortune/fortune/Makefile b/games/fortune/fortune/Makefile deleted file mode 100644 index c18ead9..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/fortune/Makefile +++ /dev/null @@ -1,11 +0,0 @@ -# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93 -# $FreeBSD$ - -PROG= fortune -MAN= fortune.6 -CFLAGS+=-DDEBUG -I${.CURDIR}/../strfile - -.include <bsd.prog.mk> - -test: ${PROG} - ./${PROG} -m brass diff --git a/games/fortune/fortune/Makefile.depend b/games/fortune/fortune/Makefile.depend deleted file mode 100644 index 3646e2e..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/fortune/Makefile.depend +++ /dev/null @@ -1,18 +0,0 @@ -# $FreeBSD$ -# Autogenerated - do NOT edit! - -DIRDEPS = \ - gnu/lib/csu \ - gnu/lib/libgcc \ - include \ - include/xlocale \ - lib/${CSU_DIR} \ - lib/libc \ - lib/libcompiler_rt \ - - -.include <dirdeps.mk> - -.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR} -# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree -.endif diff --git a/games/fortune/fortune/fortune.6 b/games/fortune/fortune/fortune.6 deleted file mode 100644 index d8f6bad..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/fortune/fortune.6 +++ /dev/null @@ -1,191 +0,0 @@ -.\" Copyright (c) 1985, 1991, 1993 -.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. -.\" -.\" This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by -.\" Ken Arnold. -.\" -.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without -.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions -.\" are met: -.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright -.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. -.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright -.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the -.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. -.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors -.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software -.\" without specific prior written permission. -.\" -.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND -.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE -.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE -.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE -.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL -.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS -.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) -.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT -.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY -.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF -.\" SUCH DAMAGE. -.\" -.\" @(#)fortune.6 8.3 (Berkeley) 4/19/94 -.\" $FreeBSD$ -.\" -.Dd November 7, 2007 -.Dt FORTUNE 6 -.Os -.Sh NAME -.Nm fortune -.Nd "print a random, hopefully interesting, adage" -.Sh SYNOPSIS -.Nm -.Op Fl aDefilosw -.Op Fl m Ar pattern -.Oo -.Op Ar \&N% -.Ar file Ns / Ns Ar directory Ns / Ns Cm all -.Oc -.Sh DESCRIPTION -When -.Nm -is run with no arguments it prints out a random epigram. -Epigrams are divided into several categories, where each category -is subdivided into those which are potentially offensive and those -which are not. -The options are as follows: -.Bl -tag -width indent -.It Fl a -Choose from all lists of maxims, both offensive and not. -(See the -.Fl o -option for more information on offensive fortunes.) -.It Fl D -Enable additional debugging output. -Specify this option multiple times for more verbose output. -Only available if compiled with -.Li -DDEBUG . -.It Fl e -Consider all fortune files to be of equal size (see discussion below -on multiple files). -.It Fl f -Print out the list of files which would be searched, but do not -print a fortune. -.It Fl l -Long dictums only. -.It Fl m Ar pattern -Print out all fortunes which match the regular expression -.Ar pattern . -See -.Xr regex 3 -for a description of patterns. -.It Fl o -Choose only from potentially offensive aphorisms. -.Bf -symbolic -Please, please, please request a potentially offensive fortune if and -only if you believe, deep down in your heart, that you are willing -to be offended. -(And that if you are not willing, you will just quit using -.Fl o -rather than give us -grief about it, okay?) -.Ef -.Bd -unfilled -offset indent -\&... let us keep in mind the basic governing philosophy -of The Brotherhood, as handsomely summarized in these words: -we believe in healthy, hearty laughter -- at the expense of -the whole human race, if needs be. -Needs be. - --H. Allen Smith, "Rude Jokes" -.Ed -.It Fl s -Short apothegms only. -.It Fl i -Ignore case for -.Fl m -patterns. -.It Fl w -Wait before termination for an amount of time calculated from the -number of characters in the message. -This is useful if it is executed as part of the logout procedure -to guarantee that the message can be read before the screen is cleared. -.El -.Pp -The user may specify alternate sayings. -You can specify a specific file, a directory which contains one or -more files, or the special word -.Cm all -which says to use all the standard databases. -Any of these may be preceded by a percentage, which is a number -.Ar N -between 0 and 100 inclusive, followed by a -.Ql % . -If it is, there will be an -.Ar N -percent probability that an adage will be picked from that file -or directory. -If the percentages do not sum to 100, and there are specifications -without percentages, the remaining percent will apply to those files -and/or directories, in which case the probability of selecting from -one of them will be based on their relative sizes. -.Pp -As an example, given two databases -.Pa funny -and -.Pa not-funny , -with -.Pa funny -twice as big, saying -.Pp -.Dl "fortune funny not-funny" -.Pp -will get you fortunes out of -.Pa funny -two-thirds of the time. -The command -.Pp -.Dl "fortune 90% funny 10% not-funny" -.Pp -will pick out 90% of its fortunes from -.Pa funny -(the -.Dq Li "10% not-funny" -is unnecessary, since 10% is all that is left). -The -.Fl e -option says to consider all files equal; -thus -.Pp -.Dl "fortune -e funny not-funny" -.Pp -is equivalent to -.Pp -.Dl "fortune 50% funny 50% not-funny" -.Sh ENVIRONMENT -.Bl -tag -width ".Ev FORTUNE_PATH" -.It Ev FORTUNE_PATH -The search path for the data files. -It is a colon-separated list of directories in which -.Nm -looks for data files. -If not set it will default to -.Pa /usr/share/games/fortune . -If none of the directories specified exist, it will print a warning and exit. -.It Ev FORTUNE_SAVESTATE -If set, fortune will save some state about what fortune -it was up to on disk. -.El -.Sh FILES -.Bl -tag -width ".Pa /usr/share/games/fortune/*" -.It Pa /usr/games/fortune -.It Pa /usr/share/games/fortune/* -the fortunes databases (those files ending -.Dq Pa -o -contain the -.Sy offensive -fortunes) -.El -.Sh SEE ALSO -.Xr arc4random_uniform 3 , -.Xr regcomp 3 , -.Xr regex 3 , -.Xr strfile 8 diff --git a/games/fortune/fortune/fortune.c b/games/fortune/fortune/fortune.c deleted file mode 100644 index 2fb2be0..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/fortune/fortune.c +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1427 +0,0 @@ -/*- - * Copyright (c) 1986, 1993 - * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. - * - * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by - * Ken Arnold. - * - * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without - * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions - * are met: - * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. - * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the - * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. - * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors - * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software - * without specific prior written permission. - * - * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND - * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE - * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE - * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE - * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL - * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS - * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) - * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT - * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY - * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF - * SUCH DAMAGE. - */ - -#if 0 -#ifndef lint -static const char copyright[] = -"@(#) Copyright (c) 1986, 1993\n\ - The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n"; -#endif /* not lint */ - -#ifndef lint -static const char sccsid[] = "@(#)fortune.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93"; -#endif /* not lint */ -#endif -#include <sys/cdefs.h> -__FBSDID("$FreeBSD$"); - -#include <sys/stat.h> -#include <sys/endian.h> - -#include <assert.h> -#include <ctype.h> -#include <dirent.h> -#include <fcntl.h> -#include <locale.h> -#include <regex.h> -#include <stdbool.h> -#include <stdio.h> -#include <stdlib.h> -#include <string.h> -#include <time.h> -#include <unistd.h> - -#include "strfile.h" -#include "pathnames.h" - -#define TRUE true -#define FALSE false - -#define MINW 6 /* minimum wait if desired */ -#define CPERS 20 /* # of chars for each sec */ -#define SLEN 160 /* # of chars in short fortune */ - -#define POS_UNKNOWN ((uint32_t) -1) /* pos for file unknown */ -#define NO_PROB (-1) /* no prob specified for file */ - -#ifdef DEBUG -#define DPRINTF(l,x) { if (Debug >= l) fprintf x; } -#undef NDEBUG -#else -#define DPRINTF(l,x) -#define NDEBUG 1 -#endif - -typedef struct fd { - int percent; - int fd, datfd; - uint32_t pos; - FILE *inf; - const char *name; - const char *path; - char *datfile, *posfile; - bool read_tbl; - bool was_pos_file; - STRFILE tbl; - int num_children; - struct fd *child, *parent; - struct fd *next, *prev; -} FILEDESC; - -static bool Found_one; /* did we find a match? */ -static bool Find_files = FALSE; /* just find a list of proper fortune files */ -static bool Fortunes_only = FALSE; /* check only "fortunes" files */ -static bool Wait = FALSE; /* wait desired after fortune */ -static bool Short_only = FALSE; /* short fortune desired */ -static bool Long_only = FALSE; /* long fortune desired */ -static bool Offend = FALSE; /* offensive fortunes only */ -static bool All_forts = FALSE; /* any fortune allowed */ -static bool Equal_probs = FALSE; /* scatter un-allocted prob equally */ -static bool Match = FALSE; /* dump fortunes matching a pattern */ -static bool WriteToDisk = false; /* use files on disk to save state */ -#ifdef DEBUG -static int Debug = 0; /* print debug messages */ -#endif - -static char *Fortbuf = NULL; /* fortune buffer for -m */ - -static int Fort_len = 0; - -static off_t Seekpts[2]; /* seek pointers to fortunes */ - -static FILEDESC *File_list = NULL, /* Head of file list */ - *File_tail = NULL; /* Tail of file list */ -static FILEDESC *Fortfile; /* Fortune file to use */ - -static STRFILE Noprob_tbl; /* sum of data for all no prob files */ - -static const char *Fortune_path; -static char **Fortune_path_arr; - -static int add_dir(FILEDESC *); -static int add_file(int, const char *, const char *, FILEDESC **, - FILEDESC **, FILEDESC *); -static void all_forts(FILEDESC *, char *); -static char *copy(const char *, u_int); -static void display(FILEDESC *); -static void do_free(void *); -static void *do_malloc(u_int); -static int form_file_list(char **, int); -static int fortlen(void); -static void get_fort(void); -static void get_pos(FILEDESC *); -static void get_tbl(FILEDESC *); -static void getargs(int, char *[]); -static void getpath(void); -static void init_prob(void); -static int is_dir(const char *); -static int is_fortfile(const char *, char **, char **, int); -static int is_off_name(const char *); -static int max(int, int); -static FILEDESC *new_fp(void); -static char *off_name(const char *); -static void open_dat(FILEDESC *); -static void open_fp(FILEDESC *); -static FILEDESC *pick_child(FILEDESC *); -static void print_file_list(void); -static void print_list(FILEDESC *, int); -static void sum_noprobs(FILEDESC *); -static void sum_tbl(STRFILE *, STRFILE *); -static void usage(void); -static void zero_tbl(STRFILE *); - -static char *conv_pat(char *); -static int find_matches(void); -static void matches_in_list(FILEDESC *); -static int maxlen_in_list(FILEDESC *); - -static regex_t Re_pat; - -int -main(int argc, char *argv[]) -{ - int fd; - - if (getenv("FORTUNE_SAVESTATE") != NULL) - WriteToDisk = true; - - (void) setlocale(LC_ALL, ""); - - getpath(); - getargs(argc, argv); - - if (Match) - exit(find_matches() != 0); - - init_prob(); - do { - get_fort(); - } while ((Short_only && fortlen() > SLEN) || - (Long_only && fortlen() <= SLEN)); - - display(Fortfile); - - if (WriteToDisk) { - if ((fd = creat(Fortfile->posfile, 0666)) < 0) { - perror(Fortfile->posfile); - exit(1); - } - /* - * if we can, we exclusive lock, but since it isn't very - * important, we just punt if we don't have easy locking - * available. - */ - flock(fd, LOCK_EX); - write(fd, (char *) &Fortfile->pos, sizeof Fortfile->pos); - if (!Fortfile->was_pos_file) - chmod(Fortfile->path, 0666); - flock(fd, LOCK_UN); - } - if (Wait) { - if (Fort_len == 0) - (void) fortlen(); - sleep((unsigned int) max(Fort_len / CPERS, MINW)); - } - - exit(0); -} - -static void -display(FILEDESC *fp) -{ - char *p; - unsigned char ch; - char line[BUFSIZ]; - - open_fp(fp); - fseeko(fp->inf, Seekpts[0], SEEK_SET); - for (Fort_len = 0; fgets(line, sizeof line, fp->inf) != NULL && - !STR_ENDSTRING(line, fp->tbl); Fort_len++) { - if (fp->tbl.str_flags & STR_ROTATED) - for (p = line; (ch = *p) != '\0'; ++p) { - if (isascii(ch)) { - if (isupper(ch)) - *p = 'A' + (ch - 'A' + 13) % 26; - else if (islower(ch)) - *p = 'a' + (ch - 'a' + 13) % 26; - } - } - if (fp->tbl.str_flags & STR_COMMENTS - && line[0] == fp->tbl.str_delim - && line[1] == fp->tbl.str_delim) - continue; - fputs(line, stdout); - } - (void) fflush(stdout); -} - -/* - * fortlen: - * Return the length of the fortune. - */ -static int -fortlen(void) -{ - int nchar; - char line[BUFSIZ]; - - if (!(Fortfile->tbl.str_flags & (STR_RANDOM | STR_ORDERED))) - nchar = (int)(Seekpts[1] - Seekpts[0]); - else { - open_fp(Fortfile); - fseeko(Fortfile->inf, Seekpts[0], SEEK_SET); - nchar = 0; - while (fgets(line, sizeof line, Fortfile->inf) != NULL && - !STR_ENDSTRING(line, Fortfile->tbl)) - nchar += strlen(line); - } - Fort_len = nchar; - - return (nchar); -} - -/* - * This routine evaluates the arguments on the command line - */ -static void -getargs(int argc, char *argv[]) -{ - int ignore_case; - char *pat; - int ch; - - ignore_case = FALSE; - pat = NULL; - -#ifdef DEBUG - while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "aDefilm:osw")) != -1) -#else - while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "aefilm:osw")) != -1) -#endif /* DEBUG */ - switch(ch) { - case 'a': /* any fortune */ - All_forts++; - break; -#ifdef DEBUG - case 'D': - Debug++; - break; -#endif /* DEBUG */ - case 'e': - Equal_probs++; /* scatter un-allocted prob equally */ - break; - case 'f': /* find fortune files */ - Find_files++; - break; - case 'l': /* long ones only */ - Long_only++; - Short_only = FALSE; - break; - case 'o': /* offensive ones only */ - Offend++; - break; - case 's': /* short ones only */ - Short_only++; - Long_only = FALSE; - break; - case 'w': /* give time to read */ - Wait++; - break; - case 'm': /* dump out the fortunes */ - Match++; - pat = optarg; - break; - case 'i': /* case-insensitive match */ - ignore_case++; - break; - case '?': - default: - usage(); - } - argc -= optind; - argv += optind; - - if (!form_file_list(argv, argc)) - exit(1); /* errors printed through form_file_list() */ - if (Find_files) { - print_file_list(); - exit(0); - } -#ifdef DEBUG - else if (Debug >= 1) - print_file_list(); -#endif /* DEBUG */ - - if (pat != NULL) { - int error; - - if (ignore_case) - pat = conv_pat(pat); - error = regcomp(&Re_pat, pat, REG_BASIC); - if (error) { - fprintf(stderr, "regcomp(%s) fails\n", pat); - exit(1); - } - } -} - -/* - * form_file_list: - * Form the file list from the file specifications. - */ -static int -form_file_list(char **files, int file_cnt) -{ - int i, percent; - char *sp; - char **pstr; - - if (file_cnt == 0) { - if (Find_files) { - Fortunes_only = TRUE; - pstr = Fortune_path_arr; - i = 0; - while (*pstr) { - i += add_file(NO_PROB, *pstr++, NULL, - &File_list, &File_tail, NULL); - } - Fortunes_only = FALSE; - if (!i) { - fprintf(stderr, "No fortunes found in %s.\n", - Fortune_path); - } - return (i != 0); - } else { - pstr = Fortune_path_arr; - i = 0; - while (*pstr) { - i += add_file(NO_PROB, "fortunes", *pstr++, - &File_list, &File_tail, NULL); - } - if (!i) { - fprintf(stderr, "No fortunes found in %s.\n", - Fortune_path); - } - return (i != 0); - } - } - for (i = 0; i < file_cnt; i++) { - percent = NO_PROB; - if (!isdigit((unsigned char)files[i][0])) - sp = files[i]; - else { - percent = 0; - for (sp = files[i]; isdigit((unsigned char)*sp); sp++) - percent = percent * 10 + *sp - '0'; - if (percent > 100) { - fprintf(stderr, "percentages must be <= 100\n"); - return (FALSE); - } - if (*sp == '.') { - fprintf(stderr, "percentages must be integers\n"); - return (FALSE); - } - /* - * If the number isn't followed by a '%', then - * it was not a percentage, just the first part - * of a file name which starts with digits. - */ - if (*sp != '%') { - percent = NO_PROB; - sp = files[i]; - } - else if (*++sp == '\0') { - if (++i >= file_cnt) { - fprintf(stderr, "percentages must precede files\n"); - return (FALSE); - } - sp = files[i]; - } - } - if (strcmp(sp, "all") == 0) { - pstr = Fortune_path_arr; - i = 0; - while (*pstr) { - i += add_file(NO_PROB, *pstr++, NULL, - &File_list, &File_tail, NULL); - } - if (!i) { - fprintf(stderr, "No fortunes found in %s.\n", - Fortune_path); - return (FALSE); - } - } else if (!add_file(percent, sp, NULL, &File_list, - &File_tail, NULL)) { - return (FALSE); - } - } - - return (TRUE); -} - -/* - * add_file: - * Add a file to the file list. - */ -static int -add_file(int percent, const char *file, const char *dir, FILEDESC **head, - FILEDESC **tail, FILEDESC *parent) -{ - FILEDESC *fp; - int fd; - const char *path; - char *tpath, *offensive; - bool was_malloc; - bool isdir; - - if (dir == NULL) { - path = file; - tpath = NULL; - was_malloc = FALSE; - } - else { - tpath = do_malloc((unsigned int)(strlen(dir) + strlen(file) + 2)); - strcat(strcat(strcpy(tpath, dir), "/"), file); - path = tpath; - was_malloc = TRUE; - } - if ((isdir = is_dir(path)) && parent != NULL) { - if (was_malloc) - free(tpath); - return (FALSE); /* don't recurse */ - } - offensive = NULL; - if (!isdir && parent == NULL && (All_forts || Offend) && - !is_off_name(path)) { - offensive = off_name(path); - if (Offend) { - if (was_malloc) - free(tpath); - path = tpath = offensive; - offensive = NULL; - was_malloc = TRUE; - DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "\ttrying \"%s\"\n", path)); - file = off_name(file); - } - } - - DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "adding file \"%s\"\n", path)); -over: - if ((fd = open(path, O_RDONLY)) < 0) { - /* - * This is a sneak. If the user said -a, and if the - * file we're given isn't a file, we check to see if - * there is a -o version. If there is, we treat it as - * if *that* were the file given. We only do this for - * individual files -- if we're scanning a directory, - * we'll pick up the -o file anyway. - */ - if (All_forts && offensive != NULL) { - if (was_malloc) - free(tpath); - path = tpath = offensive; - offensive = NULL; - was_malloc = TRUE; - DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "\ttrying \"%s\"\n", path)); - file = off_name(file); - goto over; - } - if (dir == NULL && file[0] != '/') { - int i = 0; - char **pstr = Fortune_path_arr; - - while (*pstr) { - i += add_file(percent, file, *pstr++, - head, tail, parent); - } - if (!i) { - fprintf(stderr, "No '%s' found in %s.\n", - file, Fortune_path); - } - return (i != 0); - } - /* - if (parent == NULL) - perror(path); - */ - if (was_malloc) - free(tpath); - return (FALSE); - } - - DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "path = \"%s\"\n", path)); - - fp = new_fp(); - fp->fd = fd; - fp->percent = percent; - fp->name = file; - fp->path = path; - fp->parent = parent; - - if ((isdir && !add_dir(fp)) || - (!isdir && - !is_fortfile(path, &fp->datfile, &fp->posfile, (parent != NULL)))) - { - if (parent == NULL) - fprintf(stderr, - "fortune:%s not a fortune file or directory\n", - path); - if (was_malloc) - free(tpath); - do_free(fp->datfile); - do_free(fp->posfile); - free(fp); - do_free(offensive); - return (FALSE); - } - /* - * If the user said -a, we need to make this node a pointer to - * both files, if there are two. We don't need to do this if - * we are scanning a directory, since the scan will pick up the - * -o file anyway. - */ - if (All_forts && parent == NULL && !is_off_name(path)) - all_forts(fp, offensive); - if (*head == NULL) - *head = *tail = fp; - else if (fp->percent == NO_PROB) { - (*tail)->next = fp; - fp->prev = *tail; - *tail = fp; - } - else { - (*head)->prev = fp; - fp->next = *head; - *head = fp; - } - if (WriteToDisk) - fp->was_pos_file = (access(fp->posfile, W_OK) >= 0); - - return (TRUE); -} - -/* - * new_fp: - * Return a pointer to an initialized new FILEDESC. - */ -static FILEDESC * -new_fp(void) -{ - FILEDESC *fp; - - fp = do_malloc(sizeof(*fp)); - fp->datfd = -1; - fp->pos = POS_UNKNOWN; - fp->inf = NULL; - fp->fd = -1; - fp->percent = NO_PROB; - fp->read_tbl = FALSE; - fp->next = NULL; - fp->prev = NULL; - fp->child = NULL; - fp->parent = NULL; - fp->datfile = NULL; - fp->posfile = NULL; - - return (fp); -} - -/* - * off_name: - * Return a pointer to the offensive version of a file of this name. - */ -static char * -off_name(const char *file) -{ - char *new; - - new = copy(file, (unsigned int) (strlen(file) + 2)); - - return (strcat(new, "-o")); -} - -/* - * is_off_name: - * Is the file an offensive-style name? - */ -static int -is_off_name(const char *file) -{ - int len; - - len = strlen(file); - - return (len >= 3 && file[len - 2] == '-' && file[len - 1] == 'o'); -} - -/* - * all_forts: - * Modify a FILEDESC element to be the parent of two children if - * there are two children to be a parent of. - */ -static void -all_forts(FILEDESC *fp, char *offensive) -{ - char *sp; - FILEDESC *scene, *obscene; - int fd; - char *datfile, *posfile; - - if (fp->child != NULL) /* this is a directory, not a file */ - return; - if (!is_fortfile(offensive, &datfile, &posfile, FALSE)) - return; - if ((fd = open(offensive, O_RDONLY)) < 0) - return; - DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "adding \"%s\" because of -a\n", offensive)); - scene = new_fp(); - obscene = new_fp(); - *scene = *fp; - - fp->num_children = 2; - fp->child = scene; - scene->next = obscene; - obscene->next = NULL; - scene->child = obscene->child = NULL; - scene->parent = obscene->parent = fp; - - fp->fd = -1; - scene->percent = obscene->percent = NO_PROB; - - obscene->fd = fd; - obscene->inf = NULL; - obscene->path = offensive; - if ((sp = strrchr(offensive, '/')) == NULL) - obscene->name = offensive; - else - obscene->name = ++sp; - obscene->datfile = datfile; - obscene->posfile = posfile; - obscene->read_tbl = false; - if (WriteToDisk) - obscene->was_pos_file = (access(obscene->posfile, W_OK) >= 0); -} - -/* - * add_dir: - * Add the contents of an entire directory. - */ -static int -add_dir(FILEDESC *fp) -{ - DIR *dir; - struct dirent *dirent; - FILEDESC *tailp; - char *name; - - (void) close(fp->fd); - fp->fd = -1; - if ((dir = opendir(fp->path)) == NULL) { - perror(fp->path); - return (FALSE); - } - tailp = NULL; - DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "adding dir \"%s\"\n", fp->path)); - fp->num_children = 0; - while ((dirent = readdir(dir)) != NULL) { - if (dirent->d_namlen == 0) - continue; - name = copy(dirent->d_name, dirent->d_namlen); - if (add_file(NO_PROB, name, fp->path, &fp->child, &tailp, fp)) - fp->num_children++; - else - free(name); - } - if (fp->num_children == 0) { - (void) fprintf(stderr, - "fortune: %s: No fortune files in directory.\n", fp->path); - return (FALSE); - } - - return (TRUE); -} - -/* - * is_dir: - * Return TRUE if the file is a directory, FALSE otherwise. - */ -static int -is_dir(const char *file) -{ - struct stat sbuf; - - if (stat(file, &sbuf) < 0) - return (FALSE); - - return (sbuf.st_mode & S_IFDIR); -} - -/* - * is_fortfile: - * Return TRUE if the file is a fortune database file. We try and - * exclude files without reading them if possible to avoid - * overhead. Files which start with ".", or which have "illegal" - * suffixes, as contained in suflist[], are ruled out. - */ -/* ARGSUSED */ -static int -is_fortfile(const char *file, char **datp, char **posp, int check_for_offend) -{ - int i; - const char *sp; - char *datfile; - static const char *suflist[] = { - /* list of "illegal" suffixes" */ - "dat", "pos", "c", "h", "p", "i", "f", - "pas", "ftn", "ins.c", "ins,pas", - "ins.ftn", "sml", - NULL - }; - - DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "is_fortfile(%s) returns ", file)); - - /* - * Preclude any -o files for offendable people, and any non -o - * files for completely offensive people. - */ - if (check_for_offend && !All_forts) { - i = strlen(file); - if (Offend ^ (file[i - 2] == '-' && file[i - 1] == 'o')) { - DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "FALSE (offending file)\n")); - return (FALSE); - } - } - - if ((sp = strrchr(file, '/')) == NULL) - sp = file; - else - sp++; - if (*sp == '.') { - DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "FALSE (file starts with '.')\n")); - return (FALSE); - } - if (Fortunes_only && strncmp(sp, "fortunes", 8) != 0) { - DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "FALSE (check fortunes only)\n")); - return (FALSE); - } - if ((sp = strrchr(sp, '.')) != NULL) { - sp++; - for (i = 0; suflist[i] != NULL; i++) - if (strcmp(sp, suflist[i]) == 0) { - DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "FALSE (file has suffix \".%s\")\n", sp)); - return (FALSE); - } - } - - datfile = copy(file, (unsigned int) (strlen(file) + 4)); /* +4 for ".dat" */ - strcat(datfile, ".dat"); - if (access(datfile, R_OK) < 0) { - DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "FALSE (no readable \".dat\" file)\n")); - free(datfile); - return (FALSE); - } - if (datp != NULL) - *datp = datfile; - else - free(datfile); - if (posp != NULL) { - if (WriteToDisk) { - *posp = copy(file, (unsigned int) (strlen(file) + 4)); /* +4 for ".dat" */ - strcat(*posp, ".pos"); - } - else { - *posp = NULL; - } - } - DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "TRUE\n")); - - return (TRUE); -} - -/* - * copy: - * Return a malloc()'ed copy of the string - */ -static char * -copy(const char *str, unsigned int len) -{ - char *new, *sp; - - new = do_malloc(len + 1); - sp = new; - do { - *sp++ = *str; - } while (*str++); - - return (new); -} - -/* - * do_malloc: - * Do a malloc, checking for NULL return. - */ -static void * -do_malloc(unsigned int size) -{ - void *new; - - if ((new = malloc(size)) == NULL) { - (void) fprintf(stderr, "fortune: out of memory.\n"); - exit(1); - } - - return (new); -} - -/* - * do_free: - * Free malloc'ed space, if any. - */ -static void -do_free(void *ptr) -{ - if (ptr != NULL) - free(ptr); -} - -/* - * init_prob: - * Initialize the fortune probabilities. - */ -static void -init_prob(void) -{ - FILEDESC *fp, *last = NULL; - int percent, num_noprob, frac; - - /* - * Distribute the residual probability (if any) across all - * files with unspecified probability (i.e., probability of 0) - * (if any). - */ - - percent = 0; - num_noprob = 0; - for (fp = File_tail; fp != NULL; fp = fp->prev) - if (fp->percent == NO_PROB) { - num_noprob++; - if (Equal_probs) - last = fp; - } else - percent += fp->percent; - DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "summing probabilities:%d%% with %d NO_PROB's", - percent, num_noprob)); - if (percent > 100) { - (void) fprintf(stderr, - "fortune: probabilities sum to %d%% > 100%%!\n", percent); - exit(1); - } else if (percent < 100 && num_noprob == 0) { - (void) fprintf(stderr, - "fortune: no place to put residual probability (%d%% < 100%%)\n", - percent); - exit(1); - } else if (percent == 100 && num_noprob != 0) { - (void) fprintf(stderr, - "fortune: no probability left to put in residual files (100%%)\n"); - exit(1); - } - percent = 100 - percent; - if (Equal_probs) { - if (num_noprob != 0) { - if (num_noprob > 1) { - frac = percent / num_noprob; - DPRINTF(1, (stderr, ", frac = %d%%", frac)); - for (fp = File_tail; fp != last; fp = fp->prev) - if (fp->percent == NO_PROB) { - fp->percent = frac; - percent -= frac; - } - } - last->percent = percent; - DPRINTF(1, (stderr, ", residual = %d%%", percent)); - } - else - DPRINTF(1, (stderr, - ", %d%% distributed over remaining fortunes\n", - percent)); - } - DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "\n")); - -#ifdef DEBUG - if (Debug >= 1) - print_file_list(); -#endif -} - -/* - * get_fort: - * Get the fortune data file's seek pointer for the next fortune. - */ -static void -get_fort(void) -{ - FILEDESC *fp; - int choice; - - if (File_list->next == NULL || File_list->percent == NO_PROB) - fp = File_list; - else { - choice = arc4random_uniform(100); - DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "choice = %d\n", choice)); - for (fp = File_list; fp->percent != NO_PROB; fp = fp->next) - if (choice < fp->percent) - break; - else { - choice -= fp->percent; - DPRINTF(1, (stderr, - " skip \"%s\", %d%% (choice = %d)\n", - fp->name, fp->percent, choice)); - } - DPRINTF(1, (stderr, - "using \"%s\", %d%% (choice = %d)\n", - fp->name, fp->percent, choice)); - } - if (fp->percent != NO_PROB) - get_tbl(fp); - else { - if (fp->next != NULL) { - sum_noprobs(fp); - choice = arc4random_uniform(Noprob_tbl.str_numstr); - DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "choice = %d (of %u) \n", choice, - Noprob_tbl.str_numstr)); - while ((unsigned int)choice >= fp->tbl.str_numstr) { - choice -= fp->tbl.str_numstr; - fp = fp->next; - DPRINTF(1, (stderr, - " skip \"%s\", %u (choice = %d)\n", - fp->name, fp->tbl.str_numstr, - choice)); - } - DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "using \"%s\", %u\n", fp->name, - fp->tbl.str_numstr)); - } - get_tbl(fp); - } - if (fp->child != NULL) { - DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "picking child\n")); - fp = pick_child(fp); - } - Fortfile = fp; - get_pos(fp); - open_dat(fp); - lseek(fp->datfd, - (off_t) (sizeof fp->tbl + fp->pos * sizeof Seekpts[0]), SEEK_SET); - read(fp->datfd, Seekpts, sizeof Seekpts); - Seekpts[0] = be64toh(Seekpts[0]); - Seekpts[1] = be64toh(Seekpts[1]); -} - -/* - * pick_child - * Pick a child from a chosen parent. - */ -static FILEDESC * -pick_child(FILEDESC *parent) -{ - FILEDESC *fp; - int choice; - - if (Equal_probs) { - choice = arc4random_uniform(parent->num_children); - DPRINTF(1, (stderr, " choice = %d (of %d)\n", - choice, parent->num_children)); - for (fp = parent->child; choice--; fp = fp->next) - continue; - DPRINTF(1, (stderr, " using %s\n", fp->name)); - return (fp); - } - else { - get_tbl(parent); - choice = arc4random_uniform(parent->tbl.str_numstr); - DPRINTF(1, (stderr, " choice = %d (of %u)\n", - choice, parent->tbl.str_numstr)); - for (fp = parent->child; (unsigned)choice >= fp->tbl.str_numstr; - fp = fp->next) { - choice -= fp->tbl.str_numstr; - DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "\tskip %s, %u (choice = %d)\n", - fp->name, fp->tbl.str_numstr, choice)); - } - DPRINTF(1, (stderr, " using %s, %u\n", fp->name, - fp->tbl.str_numstr)); - return (fp); - } -} - -/* - * sum_noprobs: - * Sum up all the noprob probabilities, starting with fp. - */ -static void -sum_noprobs(FILEDESC *fp) -{ - static bool did_noprobs = FALSE; - - if (did_noprobs) - return; - zero_tbl(&Noprob_tbl); - while (fp != NULL) { - get_tbl(fp); - sum_tbl(&Noprob_tbl, &fp->tbl); - fp = fp->next; - } - did_noprobs = TRUE; -} - -static int -max(int i, int j) -{ - return (i >= j ? i : j); -} - -/* - * open_fp: - * Assocatiate a FILE * with the given FILEDESC. - */ -static void -open_fp(FILEDESC *fp) -{ - if (fp->inf == NULL && (fp->inf = fdopen(fp->fd, "r")) == NULL) { - perror(fp->path); - exit(1); - } -} - -/* - * open_dat: - * Open up the dat file if we need to. - */ -static void -open_dat(FILEDESC *fp) -{ - if (fp->datfd < 0 && (fp->datfd = open(fp->datfile, O_RDONLY)) < 0) { - perror(fp->datfile); - exit(1); - } -} - -/* - * get_pos: - * Get the position from the pos file, if there is one. If not, - * return a random number. - */ -static void -get_pos(FILEDESC *fp) -{ - int fd; - - assert(fp->read_tbl); - if (fp->pos == POS_UNKNOWN) { - if (WriteToDisk) { - if ((fd = open(fp->posfile, O_RDONLY)) < 0 || - read(fd, &fp->pos, sizeof fp->pos) != sizeof fp->pos) - fp->pos = arc4random_uniform(fp->tbl.str_numstr); - else if (fp->pos >= fp->tbl.str_numstr) - fp->pos %= fp->tbl.str_numstr; - if (fd >= 0) - close(fd); - } - else - fp->pos = arc4random_uniform(fp->tbl.str_numstr); - } - if (++(fp->pos) >= fp->tbl.str_numstr) - fp->pos -= fp->tbl.str_numstr; - DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "pos for %s is %ld\n", fp->name, (long)fp->pos)); -} - -/* - * get_tbl: - * Get the tbl data file the datfile. - */ -static void -get_tbl(FILEDESC *fp) -{ - int fd; - FILEDESC *child; - - if (fp->read_tbl) - return; - if (fp->child == NULL) { - if ((fd = open(fp->datfile, O_RDONLY)) < 0) { - perror(fp->datfile); - exit(1); - } - if (read(fd, (char *) &fp->tbl, sizeof fp->tbl) != sizeof fp->tbl) { - (void)fprintf(stderr, - "fortune: %s corrupted\n", fp->path); - exit(1); - } - /* fp->tbl.str_version = be32toh(fp->tbl.str_version); */ - fp->tbl.str_numstr = be32toh(fp->tbl.str_numstr); - fp->tbl.str_longlen = be32toh(fp->tbl.str_longlen); - fp->tbl.str_shortlen = be32toh(fp->tbl.str_shortlen); - fp->tbl.str_flags = be32toh(fp->tbl.str_flags); - (void) close(fd); - } - else { - zero_tbl(&fp->tbl); - for (child = fp->child; child != NULL; child = child->next) { - get_tbl(child); - sum_tbl(&fp->tbl, &child->tbl); - } - } - fp->read_tbl = TRUE; -} - -/* - * zero_tbl: - * Zero out the fields we care about in a tbl structure. - */ -static void -zero_tbl(STRFILE *tp) -{ - tp->str_numstr = 0; - tp->str_longlen = 0; - tp->str_shortlen = ~0; -} - -/* - * sum_tbl: - * Merge the tbl data of t2 into t1. - */ -static void -sum_tbl(STRFILE *t1, STRFILE *t2) -{ - t1->str_numstr += t2->str_numstr; - if (t1->str_longlen < t2->str_longlen) - t1->str_longlen = t2->str_longlen; - if (t1->str_shortlen > t2->str_shortlen) - t1->str_shortlen = t2->str_shortlen; -} - -#define STR(str) ((str) == NULL ? "NULL" : (str)) - -/* - * print_file_list: - * Print out the file list - */ -static void -print_file_list(void) -{ - print_list(File_list, 0); -} - -/* - * print_list: - * Print out the actual list, recursively. - */ -static void -print_list(FILEDESC *list, int lev) -{ - while (list != NULL) { - fprintf(stderr, "%*s", lev * 4, ""); - if (list->percent == NO_PROB) - fprintf(stderr, "___%%"); - else - fprintf(stderr, "%3d%%", list->percent); - fprintf(stderr, " %s", STR(list->name)); - DPRINTF(1, (stderr, " (%s, %s, %s)", STR(list->path), - STR(list->datfile), STR(list->posfile))); - fprintf(stderr, "\n"); - if (list->child != NULL) - print_list(list->child, lev + 1); - list = list->next; - } -} - -/* - * conv_pat: - * Convert the pattern to an ignore-case equivalent. - */ -static char * -conv_pat(char *orig) -{ - char *sp; - unsigned int cnt; - char *new; - - cnt = 1; /* allow for '\0' */ - for (sp = orig; *sp != '\0'; sp++) - if (isalpha((unsigned char)*sp)) - cnt += 4; - else - cnt++; - if ((new = malloc(cnt)) == NULL) { - fprintf(stderr, "pattern too long for ignoring case\n"); - exit(1); - } - - for (sp = new; *orig != '\0'; orig++) { - if (islower((unsigned char)*orig)) { - *sp++ = '['; - *sp++ = *orig; - *sp++ = toupper((unsigned char)*orig); - *sp++ = ']'; - } - else if (isupper((unsigned char)*orig)) { - *sp++ = '['; - *sp++ = *orig; - *sp++ = tolower((unsigned char)*orig); - *sp++ = ']'; - } - else - *sp++ = *orig; - } - *sp = '\0'; - - return (new); -} - -/* - * find_matches: - * Find all the fortunes which match the pattern we've been given. - */ -static int -find_matches(void) -{ - Fort_len = maxlen_in_list(File_list); - DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "Maximum length is %d\n", Fort_len)); - /* extra length, "%\n" is appended */ - Fortbuf = do_malloc((unsigned int) Fort_len + 10); - - Found_one = FALSE; - matches_in_list(File_list); - - return (Found_one); -} - -/* - * maxlen_in_list - * Return the maximum fortune len in the file list. - */ -static int -maxlen_in_list(FILEDESC *list) -{ - FILEDESC *fp; - int len, maxlen; - - maxlen = 0; - for (fp = list; fp != NULL; fp = fp->next) { - if (fp->child != NULL) { - if ((len = maxlen_in_list(fp->child)) > maxlen) - maxlen = len; - } - else { - get_tbl(fp); - if (fp->tbl.str_longlen > (unsigned int)maxlen) - maxlen = fp->tbl.str_longlen; - } - } - - return (maxlen); -} - -/* - * matches_in_list - * Print out the matches from the files in the list. - */ -static void -matches_in_list(FILEDESC *list) -{ - char *sp, *p; - FILEDESC *fp; - int in_file; - unsigned char ch; - - for (fp = list; fp != NULL; fp = fp->next) { - if (fp->child != NULL) { - matches_in_list(fp->child); - continue; - } - DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "searching in %s\n", fp->path)); - open_fp(fp); - sp = Fortbuf; - in_file = FALSE; - while (fgets(sp, Fort_len, fp->inf) != NULL) - if (fp->tbl.str_flags & STR_COMMENTS - && sp[0] == fp->tbl.str_delim - && sp[1] == fp->tbl.str_delim) - continue; - else if (!STR_ENDSTRING(sp, fp->tbl)) - sp += strlen(sp); - else { - *sp = '\0'; - if (fp->tbl.str_flags & STR_ROTATED) - for (p = Fortbuf; (ch = *p) != '\0'; ++p) { - if (isascii(ch)) { - if (isupper(ch)) - *p = 'A' + (ch - 'A' + 13) % 26; - else if (islower(ch)) - *p = 'a' + (ch - 'a' + 13) % 26; - } - } - if (regexec(&Re_pat, Fortbuf, 0, NULL, 0) != REG_NOMATCH) { - printf("%c%c", fp->tbl.str_delim, - fp->tbl.str_delim); - if (!in_file) { - printf(" (%s)", fp->name); - Found_one = TRUE; - in_file = TRUE; - } - putchar('\n'); - (void) fwrite(Fortbuf, 1, (sp - Fortbuf), stdout); - } - sp = Fortbuf; - } - } -} - -static void -usage(void) -{ - (void) fprintf(stderr, "fortune [-a"); -#ifdef DEBUG - (void) fprintf(stderr, "D"); -#endif /* DEBUG */ - (void) fprintf(stderr, "efilosw]"); - (void) fprintf(stderr, " [-m pattern]"); - (void) fprintf(stderr, " [[N%%] file/directory/all]\n"); - exit(1); -} - -/* - * getpath - * Set up file search patch from environment var FORTUNE_PATH; - * if not set, use the compiled in FORTDIR. - */ - -static void -getpath(void) -{ - int nstr, foundenv; - char *pch, **ppch, *str, *path; - - foundenv = 1; - Fortune_path = getenv("FORTUNE_PATH"); - if (Fortune_path == NULL) { - Fortune_path = FORTDIR; - foundenv = 0; - } - path = strdup(Fortune_path); - - for (nstr = 2, pch = path; *pch != '\0'; pch++) { - if (*pch == ':') - nstr++; - } - - ppch = Fortune_path_arr = (char **)calloc(nstr, sizeof(char *)); - - nstr = 0; - str = strtok(path, ":"); - while (str) { - if (is_dir(str)) { - nstr++; - *ppch++ = str; - } - str = strtok(NULL, ":"); - } - - if (nstr == 0) { - if (foundenv == 1) { - fprintf(stderr, - "fortune: FORTUNE_PATH: None of the specified " - "directories found.\n"); - exit(1); - } - free(path); - Fortune_path_arr[0] = strdup(FORTDIR); - } -} diff --git a/games/fortune/fortune/pathnames.h b/games/fortune/fortune/pathnames.h deleted file mode 100644 index 149b3e8..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/fortune/pathnames.h +++ /dev/null @@ -1,34 +0,0 @@ -/*- - * Copyright (c) 1991, 1993 - * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. - * - * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without - * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions - * are met: - * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. - * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the - * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. - * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors - * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software - * without specific prior written permission. - * - * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND - * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE - * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE - * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE - * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL - * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS - * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) - * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT - * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY - * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF - * SUCH DAMAGE. - * - * @(#)pathnames.h 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93 - * $FreeBSD$ - */ - -#define FORTDIR "/usr/share/games/fortune:" \ - "/usr/local/share/games/fortune" diff --git a/games/fortune/strfile/Makefile b/games/fortune/strfile/Makefile deleted file mode 100644 index a43e8ea..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/strfile/Makefile +++ /dev/null @@ -1,8 +0,0 @@ -# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93 -# $FreeBSD$ - -PROG= strfile -MAN= strfile.8 -MLINKS= strfile.8 unstr.8 - -.include <bsd.prog.mk> diff --git a/games/fortune/strfile/Makefile.depend b/games/fortune/strfile/Makefile.depend deleted file mode 100644 index 3646e2e..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/strfile/Makefile.depend +++ /dev/null @@ -1,18 +0,0 @@ -# $FreeBSD$ -# Autogenerated - do NOT edit! - -DIRDEPS = \ - gnu/lib/csu \ - gnu/lib/libgcc \ - include \ - include/xlocale \ - lib/${CSU_DIR} \ - lib/libc \ - lib/libcompiler_rt \ - - -.include <dirdeps.mk> - -.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR} -# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree -.endif diff --git a/games/fortune/strfile/strfile.8 b/games/fortune/strfile/strfile.8 deleted file mode 100644 index 26de0d7..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/strfile/strfile.8 +++ /dev/null @@ -1,159 +0,0 @@ -.\" Copyright (c) 1989, 1991, 1993 -.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. -.\" -.\" -.\" This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by -.\" Ken Arnold. -.\" -.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without -.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions -.\" are met: -.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright -.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. -.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright -.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the -.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. -.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors -.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software -.\" without specific prior written permission. -.\" -.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND -.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE -.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE -.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE -.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL -.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS -.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) -.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT -.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY -.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF -.\" SUCH DAMAGE. -.\" -.\" @(#)strfile.8 8.1 (Berkeley) 6/9/93 -.\" $FreeBSD$ -.\" -.Dd February 17, 2005 -.Dt STRFILE 8 -.Os -.Sh NAME -.Nm strfile , -.Nm unstr -.Nd "create a random access file for storing strings" -.Sh SYNOPSIS -.Nm -.Op Fl Ciorsx -.Op Fl c Ar char -.Ar source_file -.Op Ar output_file -.Nm unstr -.Ar source_file -.Sh DESCRIPTION -The -.Nm -utility -reads a file containing groups of lines separated by a line containing -a single percent -.Ql % -sign and creates a data file which contains -a header structure and a table of file offsets for each group of lines. -This allows random access of the strings. -.Pp -The output file, if not specified on the command line, is named -.Ar source_file Ns Pa .dat . -.Pp -The options are as follows: -.Bl -tag -width ".Fl c Ar char" -.It Fl C -Flag the file as containing comments. -This option cases the -.Dv STR_COMMENTS -bit in the header -.Va str_flags -field to be set. -Comments are designated by two delimiter characters at the -beginning of the line, though -.Nm -does not give any special -treatment to comment lines. -.It Fl c Ar char -Change the delimiting character from the percent sign to -.Ar char . -.It Fl i -Ignore case when ordering the strings. -.It Fl o -Order the strings in alphabetical order. -The offset table will be sorted in the alphabetical order of the -groups of lines referenced. -Any initial non-alphanumeric characters are ignored. -This option causes the -.Dv STR_ORDERED -bit in the header -.Va str_flags -field to be set. -.It Fl r -Randomize access to the strings. -Entries in the offset table will be randomly ordered. -This option causes the -.Dv STR_RANDOM -bit in the header -.Va str_flags -field to be set. -.It Fl s -Run silently; do not give a summary message when finished. -.It Fl x -Note that each alphabetic character in the groups of lines is rotated -13 positions in a simple caesar cypher. -This option causes the -.Dv STR_ROTATED -bit in the header -.Va str_flags -field to be set. -.El -.Pp -The format of the header is: -.Bd -literal -#define VERSION 1 -uint32_t str_version; /* version number */ -uint32_t str_numstr; /* # of strings in the file */ -uint32_t str_longlen; /* length of longest string */ -uint32_t str_shortlen; /* length of shortest string */ -#define STR_RANDOM 0x1 /* randomized pointers */ -#define STR_ORDERED 0x2 /* ordered pointers */ -#define STR_ROTATED 0x4 /* rot-13'd text */ -#define STR_COMMENTS 0x8 /* embedded comments */ -uint32_t str_flags; /* bit field for flags */ -char str_delim; /* delimiting character */ -.Ed -.Pp -All fields are written in network byte order. -.Pp -The purpose of -.Nm unstr -is to undo the work of -.Nm . -It prints out the strings contained in the file -.Ar source_file -in the order that they are listed in -the header file -.Ar source_file Ns Pa .dat -to standard output. -It is possible to create sorted versions of input files by using -.Fl o -when -.Nm -is run and then using -.Nm unstr -to dump them out in the table order. -.Sh FILES -.Bl -tag -width ".Pa strfile.dat" -compact -.It Pa strfile.dat -default output file. -.El -.Sh SEE ALSO -.Xr byteorder 3 , -.Xr fortune 6 -.Sh HISTORY -The -.Nm -utility first appeared in -.Bx 4.4 . diff --git a/games/fortune/strfile/strfile.c b/games/fortune/strfile/strfile.c deleted file mode 100644 index c88d997..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/strfile/strfile.c +++ /dev/null @@ -1,462 +0,0 @@ -/*- - * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993 - * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. - * - * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by - * Ken Arnold. - * - * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without - * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions - * are met: - * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. - * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the - * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. - * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors - * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software - * without specific prior written permission. - * - * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND - * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE - * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE - * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE - * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL - * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS - * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) - * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT - * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY - * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF - * SUCH DAMAGE. - */ - -#if 0 -#ifndef lint -static const char copyright[] = -"@(#) Copyright (c) 1989, 1993\n\ - The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n"; -#endif /* not lint */ - -#ifndef lint -static const char sccsid[] = "@(#)strfile.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93"; -#endif /* not lint */ -#endif -#include <sys/cdefs.h> -__FBSDID("$FreeBSD$"); - -#include <sys/param.h> -#include <sys/endian.h> -#include <ctype.h> -#include <locale.h> -#include <stdbool.h> -#include <stdio.h> -#include <stdlib.h> -#include <string.h> -#include <time.h> -#include <unistd.h> - -#include "strfile.h" - -/* - * This program takes a file composed of strings separated by - * lines starting with two consecutive delimiting character (default - * character is '%') and creates another file which consists of a table - * describing the file (structure from "strfile.h"), a table of seek - * pointers to the start of the strings, and the strings, each terminated - * by a null byte. Usage: - * - * % strfile [-iorsx] [ -cC ] sourcefile [ datafile ] - * - * C - Allow comments marked by a double delimiter at line's beginning - * c - Change delimiting character from '%' to 'C' - * s - Silent. Give no summary of data processed at the end of - * the run. - * o - order the strings in alphabetic order - * i - if ordering, ignore case - * r - randomize the order of the strings - * x - set rotated bit - * - * Ken Arnold Sept. 7, 1978 -- - * - * Added ordering options. - */ - -#define STORING_PTRS (Oflag || Rflag) -#define CHUNKSIZE 512 - -#define ALLOC(ptr, sz) do { \ - if (ptr == NULL) \ - ptr = malloc(CHUNKSIZE * sizeof(*ptr)); \ - else if (((sz) + 1) % CHUNKSIZE == 0) \ - ptr = realloc(ptr, ((sz) + CHUNKSIZE) * sizeof(*ptr)); \ - if (ptr == NULL) { \ - fprintf(stderr, "out of space\n"); \ - exit(1); \ - } \ - } while (0) - -typedef struct { - int first; - off_t pos; -} STR; - -static char *Infile = NULL, /* input file name */ - Outfile[MAXPATHLEN] = "", /* output file name */ - Delimch = '%'; /* delimiting character */ - -static int Cflag = false; /* embedded comments */ -static int Sflag = false; /* silent run flag */ -static int Oflag = false; /* ordering flag */ -static int Iflag = false; /* ignore case flag */ -static int Rflag = false; /* randomize order flag */ -static int Xflag = false; /* set rotated bit */ -static uint32_t Num_pts = 0; /* number of pointers/strings */ - -static off_t *Seekpts; - -static FILE *Sort_1, *Sort_2; /* pointers for sorting */ - -static STRFILE Tbl; /* statistics table */ - -static STR *Firstch; /* first chars of each string */ - -static void add_offset(FILE *, off_t); -static int cmp_str(const void *, const void *); -static int stable_collate_range_cmp(int, int); -static void do_order(void); -static void getargs(int, char **); -static void randomize(void); -static void usage(void); - -/* - * main: - * Drive the sucker. There are two main modes -- either we store - * the seek pointers, if the table is to be sorted or randomized, - * or we write the pointer directly to the file, if we are to stay - * in file order. If the former, we allocate and re-allocate in - * CHUNKSIZE blocks; if the latter, we just write each pointer, - * and then seek back to the beginning to write in the table. - */ -int -main(int ac, char *av[]) -{ - char *sp, *nsp, dc; - FILE *inf, *outf; - off_t last_off, pos, *p; - size_t length; - int first; - uint32_t cnt; - STR *fp; - static char string[257]; - - setlocale(LC_ALL, ""); - - getargs(ac, av); /* evalute arguments */ - dc = Delimch; - if ((inf = fopen(Infile, "r")) == NULL) { - perror(Infile); - exit(1); - } - - if ((outf = fopen(Outfile, "w")) == NULL) { - perror(Outfile); - exit(1); - } - if (!STORING_PTRS) - fseek(outf, (long)sizeof(Tbl), SEEK_SET); - - /* - * Write the strings onto the file - */ - - Tbl.str_longlen = 0; - Tbl.str_shortlen = 0xffffffff; - Tbl.str_delim = dc; - Tbl.str_version = VERSION; - first = Oflag; - add_offset(outf, ftello(inf)); - last_off = 0; - do { - sp = fgets(string, 256, inf); - if (sp == NULL || (sp[0] == dc && sp[1] == '\n')) { - pos = ftello(inf); - length = (size_t)(pos - last_off) - - (sp != NULL ? strlen(sp) : 0); - last_off = pos; - if (length == 0) - continue; - add_offset(outf, pos); - if ((size_t)Tbl.str_longlen < length) - Tbl.str_longlen = length; - if ((size_t)Tbl.str_shortlen > length) - Tbl.str_shortlen = length; - first = Oflag; - } - else if (first) { - for (nsp = sp; !isalnum((unsigned char)*nsp); nsp++) - continue; - ALLOC(Firstch, Num_pts); - fp = &Firstch[Num_pts - 1]; - if (Iflag && isupper((unsigned char)*nsp)) - fp->first = tolower((unsigned char)*nsp); - else - fp->first = *nsp; - fp->pos = Seekpts[Num_pts - 1]; - first = false; - } - } while (sp != NULL); - - /* - * write the tables in - */ - - fclose(inf); - Tbl.str_numstr = Num_pts - 1; - - if (Cflag) - Tbl.str_flags |= STR_COMMENTS; - - if (Oflag) - do_order(); - else if (Rflag) - randomize(); - - if (Xflag) - Tbl.str_flags |= STR_ROTATED; - - if (!Sflag) { - printf("\"%s\" created\n", Outfile); - if (Num_pts == 2) - puts("There was 1 string"); - else - printf("There were %u strings\n", Num_pts - 1); - printf("Longest string: %u byte%s\n", Tbl.str_longlen, - Tbl.str_longlen == 1 ? "" : "s"); - printf("Shortest string: %u byte%s\n", Tbl.str_shortlen, - Tbl.str_shortlen == 1 ? "" : "s"); - } - - rewind(outf); - Tbl.str_version = htobe32(Tbl.str_version); - Tbl.str_numstr = htobe32(Tbl.str_numstr); - Tbl.str_longlen = htobe32(Tbl.str_longlen); - Tbl.str_shortlen = htobe32(Tbl.str_shortlen); - Tbl.str_flags = htobe32(Tbl.str_flags); - fwrite((char *)&Tbl, sizeof(Tbl), 1, outf); - if (STORING_PTRS) { - for (p = Seekpts, cnt = Num_pts; cnt--; ++p) - *p = htobe64(*p); - fwrite(Seekpts, sizeof(*Seekpts), (size_t)Num_pts, outf); - } - fclose(outf); - exit(0); -} - -/* - * This routine evaluates arguments from the command line - */ -void -getargs(int argc, char **argv) -{ - int ch; - - while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "Cc:iorsx")) != -1) - switch(ch) { - case 'C': /* embedded comments */ - Cflag++; - break; - case 'c': /* new delimiting char */ - Delimch = *optarg; - if (!isascii(Delimch)) { - printf("bad delimiting character: '\\%o\n'", - (unsigned char)Delimch); - } - break; - case 'i': /* ignore case in ordering */ - Iflag++; - break; - case 'o': /* order strings */ - Oflag++; - break; - case 'r': /* randomize pointers */ - Rflag++; - break; - case 's': /* silent */ - Sflag++; - break; - case 'x': /* set the rotated bit */ - Xflag++; - break; - case '?': - default: - usage(); - } - argv += optind; - - if (*argv) { - Infile = *argv; - if (*++argv) - strcpy(Outfile, *argv); - } - if (!Infile) { - puts("No input file name"); - usage(); - } - if (*Outfile == '\0') { - strcpy(Outfile, Infile); - strcat(Outfile, ".dat"); - } -} - -void -usage(void) -{ - fprintf(stderr, - "strfile [-Ciorsx] [-c char] source_file [output_file]\n"); - exit(1); -} - -/* - * add_offset: - * Add an offset to the list, or write it out, as appropriate. - */ -void -add_offset(FILE *fp, off_t off) -{ - off_t beoff; - - if (!STORING_PTRS) { - beoff = htobe64(off); - fwrite(&beoff, 1, sizeof(beoff), fp); - } else { - ALLOC(Seekpts, Num_pts + 1); - Seekpts[Num_pts] = off; - } - Num_pts++; -} - -/* - * do_order: - * Order the strings alphabetically (possibly ignoring case). - */ -void -do_order(void) -{ - uint32_t i; - off_t *lp; - STR *fp; - - Sort_1 = fopen(Infile, "r"); - Sort_2 = fopen(Infile, "r"); - qsort(Firstch, (size_t)Tbl.str_numstr, sizeof(*Firstch), cmp_str); - i = Tbl.str_numstr; - lp = Seekpts; - fp = Firstch; - while (i--) - *lp++ = fp++->pos; - fclose(Sort_1); - fclose(Sort_2); - Tbl.str_flags |= STR_ORDERED; -} - -static int -stable_collate_range_cmp(int c1, int c2) -{ - static char s1[2], s2[2]; - int ret; - - s1[0] = c1; - s2[0] = c2; - if ((ret = strcoll(s1, s2)) != 0) - return (ret); - return (c1 - c2); -} - -/* - * cmp_str: - * Compare two strings in the file - */ -int -cmp_str(const void *s1, const void *s2) -{ - const STR *p1, *p2; - int c1, c2, n1, n2, r; - -#define SET_N(nf,ch) (nf = (ch == '\n')) -#define IS_END(ch,nf) (ch == EOF || (ch == (unsigned char)Delimch && nf)) - - p1 = (const STR *)s1; - p2 = (const STR *)s2; - - c1 = (unsigned char)p1->first; - c2 = (unsigned char)p2->first; - if ((r = stable_collate_range_cmp(c1, c2)) != 0) - return (r); - - fseeko(Sort_1, p1->pos, SEEK_SET); - fseeko(Sort_2, p2->pos, SEEK_SET); - - n1 = false; - n2 = false; - while (!isalnum(c1 = getc(Sort_1)) && c1 != '\0' && c1 != EOF) - SET_N(n1, c1); - while (!isalnum(c2 = getc(Sort_2)) && c2 != '\0' && c2 != EOF) - SET_N(n2, c2); - - while (!IS_END(c1, n1) && !IS_END(c2, n2)) { - if (Iflag) { - if (isupper(c1)) - c1 = tolower(c1); - if (isupper(c2)) - c2 = tolower(c2); - } - if ((r = stable_collate_range_cmp(c1, c2)) != 0) - return (r); - SET_N(n1, c1); - SET_N(n2, c2); - c1 = getc(Sort_1); - c2 = getc(Sort_2); - } - if (IS_END(c1, n1)) - c1 = 0; - if (IS_END(c2, n2)) - c2 = 0; - - return (stable_collate_range_cmp(c1, c2)); -} - -/* - * randomize: - * Randomize the order of the string table. We must be careful - * not to randomize across delimiter boundaries. All - * randomization is done within each block. - */ -void -randomize(void) -{ - uint32_t cnt, i; - off_t tmp; - off_t *sp; - -#if __FreeBSD_version < 800041 - srandomdev(); -#endif - - Tbl.str_flags |= STR_RANDOM; - cnt = Tbl.str_numstr; - - /* - * move things around randomly - */ - - for (sp = Seekpts; cnt > 0; cnt--, sp++) { -#if __FreeBSD_version < 800041 - i = random() % cnt; -#else - i = arc4random_uniform(cnt); -#endif - tmp = sp[0]; - sp[0] = sp[i]; - sp[i] = tmp; - } -} diff --git a/games/fortune/strfile/strfile.h b/games/fortune/strfile/strfile.h deleted file mode 100644 index 5d4f875..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/strfile/strfile.h +++ /dev/null @@ -1,54 +0,0 @@ -/*- - * Copyright (c) 1991, 1993 - * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. - * - * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by - * Ken Arnold. - * - * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without - * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions - * are met: - * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. - * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the - * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. - * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors - * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software - * without specific prior written permission. - * - * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND - * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE - * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE - * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE - * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL - * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS - * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) - * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT - * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY - * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF - * SUCH DAMAGE. - * - * @(#)strfile.h 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93 - */ -/* $FreeBSD$ */ - -#include <sys/types.h> - -#define STR_ENDSTRING(line,tbl) \ - (((unsigned char)(line)[0]) == (tbl).str_delim && (line)[1] == '\n') - -typedef struct { /* information table */ -#define VERSION 1 - uint32_t str_version; /* version number */ - uint32_t str_numstr; /* # of strings in the file */ - uint32_t str_longlen; /* length of longest string */ - uint32_t str_shortlen; /* length of shortest string */ -#define STR_RANDOM 0x1 /* randomized pointers */ -#define STR_ORDERED 0x2 /* ordered pointers */ -#define STR_ROTATED 0x4 /* rot-13'd text */ -#define STR_COMMENTS 0x8 /* embedded comments */ - uint32_t str_flags; /* bit field for flags */ - unsigned char stuff[4]; /* 64-bit aligned space */ -#define str_delim stuff[0] /* delimiting character */ -} STRFILE; diff --git a/games/fortune/tools/Do_spell b/games/fortune/tools/Do_spell deleted file mode 100644 index d997392..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/tools/Do_spell +++ /dev/null @@ -1,10 +0,0 @@ -#!/bin/sh - -# -# @(#)Do_spell 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93 -# - -F=_spell.$$ -echo $1 -spell < $1 > $F -sort $F $1.sp.ok | uniq -u | column -rm -f $F diff --git a/games/fortune/tools/Do_troff b/games/fortune/tools/Do_troff deleted file mode 100644 index 52cb282..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/tools/Do_troff +++ /dev/null @@ -1,10 +0,0 @@ -#!/bin/csh -f -# -# @(#)Do_troff 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93 -# - -set file=$1 -shift -( echo ".ds Se $file" ; cat Troff.mac ; sed -f Troff.sed $file ) | \ - $* -me >& $file.tr -echo troff output in $file.tr diff --git a/games/fortune/tools/Troff.mac b/games/fortune/tools/Troff.mac deleted file mode 100644 index c2b433e..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/tools/Troff.mac +++ /dev/null @@ -1,26 +0,0 @@ -.nr tp 8 -.nr hm 3v -.nr fm 2v -.nr tm 5v -.nr bm 4v -.cs R -.sc -.sz 6 -.ll +10n -.lt \n(.l -.de $h -.tl 'Fortune Database'\\*(Se'\*(td' -.. -.de $f -.tl ''- % -'' -.. -.2c -.nf -.ta -.ta 8n 16n 24n 32n 40n 48n 56n 64n 72n 80n -.de %% -.sp .3 -.ce -\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq -.sp .2 -.. diff --git a/games/fortune/tools/Troff.sed b/games/fortune/tools/Troff.sed deleted file mode 100644 index 3216681..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/tools/Troff.sed +++ /dev/null @@ -1,13 +0,0 @@ -/^['.]/s//\\\&&/ -/^%%/s//.&/ -/--/s//\\*-/g -/_a-squared cos 2(phi)/s//\\fIa\\fP\\u2\\d cos 2\\(*f/ -/__**\([a-zA-Z]*\)/s//\\fI\1\\fP/g -/"\(.\)/s//\1\\*:/g -/`\(.\)/s//\1\\*`/g -/'\(.\)/s//\1\\*'/g -/~\(.\)/s//\1\\*~/g -/\^\(.\)/s//\1\\*^/g -/,\(.\)/s//\1\\*,/g -/\(.\)\(.\)/s//\\o_\1\2_/g -/*/s//\\(bs/g diff --git a/games/fortune/tools/do_sort b/games/fortune/tools/do_sort deleted file mode 100644 index 07e301b..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/tools/do_sort +++ /dev/null @@ -1,13 +0,0 @@ -#! /bin/sh -# -# @(#)do_sort 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93 -# $FreeBSD$ -# -# an aggressive little script for sorting the fortune files -# depends on octal 02 and 03 not being anywhere in the files. - -sp="/usr/bin/sort -dfu -T /var/tmp" - -sed 's/^%$//' | tr '\12' '\3' | tr '\2' '\12' | - sed -e 's/^//' -e '/^$/d' -e 's/$/%/' | - $sp | tr '\3' '\12' diff --git a/games/fortune/tools/do_uniq.py b/games/fortune/tools/do_uniq.py deleted file mode 100644 index bd62676..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/tools/do_uniq.py +++ /dev/null @@ -1,68 +0,0 @@ -#!/usr/local/bin/python -# -# $FreeBSD$ -# -# an aggressive little script for trimming duplicate cookies - -import argparse -import re - -wordlist = [ - 'hadnot', - 'donot', 'hadnt', - 'dont', 'have', 'more', 'will', 'your', - 'and', 'are', 'had', 'the', 'you', - 'am', 'an', 'is', 'll', 've', 'we', - 'a', 'd', 'i', 'm', 's', -] - - -def hash(fortune): - f = fortune - f = f.lower() - f = re.sub('[\W_]', '', f) - for word in wordlist: - f = re.sub(word, '', f) -# f = re.sub('[aeiouy]', '', f) -# f = re.sub('[^aeiouy]', '', f) - f = f[:30] -# f = f[-30:] - return f - - -def edit(datfile): - dups = {} - fortunes = [] - fortune = "" - with open(datfile, "r") as datfiledf: - for line in datfiledf: - if line == "%\n": - key = hash(fortune) - if key not in dups: - dups[key] = [] - dups[key].append(fortune) - fortunes.append(fortune) - fortune = "" - else: - fortune += line - for key in list(dups.keys()): - if len(dups[key]) == 1: - del dups[key] - with open(datfile + "~", "w") as o: - for fortune in fortunes: - key = hash(fortune) - if key in dups: - print('\n' * 50) - for f in dups[key]: - if f != fortune: - print(f, '%') - print(fortune, '%') - if input("Remove last fortune? ") == 'y': - del dups[key] - continue - o.write(fortune + "%\n") - -parser = argparse.ArgumentParser(description="trimming duplicate cookies") -parser.add_argument("filename", type=str, nargs=1) -args = parser.parse_args() -edit(args.filename[0]) diff --git a/games/fortune/unstr/Makefile b/games/fortune/unstr/Makefile deleted file mode 100644 index e943d97..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/unstr/Makefile +++ /dev/null @@ -1,8 +0,0 @@ -# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93 -# $FreeBSD$ - -PROG= unstr -MAN= -CFLAGS+= -I${.CURDIR}/../strfile - -.include <bsd.prog.mk> diff --git a/games/fortune/unstr/Makefile.depend b/games/fortune/unstr/Makefile.depend deleted file mode 100644 index 3646e2e..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/unstr/Makefile.depend +++ /dev/null @@ -1,18 +0,0 @@ -# $FreeBSD$ -# Autogenerated - do NOT edit! - -DIRDEPS = \ - gnu/lib/csu \ - gnu/lib/libgcc \ - include \ - include/xlocale \ - lib/${CSU_DIR} \ - lib/libc \ - lib/libcompiler_rt \ - - -.include <dirdeps.mk> - -.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR} -# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree -.endif diff --git a/games/fortune/unstr/unstr.c b/games/fortune/unstr/unstr.c deleted file mode 100644 index f79a0ec..0000000 --- a/games/fortune/unstr/unstr.c +++ /dev/null @@ -1,131 +0,0 @@ -/*- - * Copyright (c) 1991, 1993 - * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. - * - * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by - * Ken Arnold. - * - * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without - * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions - * are met: - * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. - * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the - * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. - * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors - * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software - * without specific prior written permission. - * - * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND - * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE - * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE - * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE - * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL - * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS - * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) - * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT - * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY - * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF - * SUCH DAMAGE. - */ - -#if 0 -#ifndef lint -static const char copyright[] = -"@(#) Copyright (c) 1991, 1993\n\ - The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n"; -#endif /* not lint */ - -#ifndef lint -static const char sccsid[] = "@(#)unstr.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93"; -#endif /* not lint */ -#endif -#include <sys/cdefs.h> -__FBSDID("$FreeBSD$"); - -/* - * This program un-does what "strfile" makes, thereby obtaining the - * original file again. This can be invoked with the name of the output - * file, the input file, or both. If invoked with only a single argument - * ending in ".dat", it is pressumed to be the input file and the output - * file will be the same stripped of the ".dat". If the single argument - * doesn't end in ".dat", then it is presumed to be the output file, and - * the input file is that name prepended by a ".dat". If both are given - * they are treated literally as the input and output files. - * - * Ken Arnold Aug 13, 1978 - */ - -#include <sys/param.h> -#include <sys/endian.h> -#include <ctype.h> -#include <err.h> -#include <stdio.h> -#include <stdlib.h> -#include <string.h> - -#include "strfile.h" - -static char *Infile, /* name of input file */ - Datafile[MAXPATHLEN], /* name of data file */ - Delimch; /* delimiter character */ - -static FILE *Inf, *Dataf; - -static void order_unstr(STRFILE *); - -/* ARGSUSED */ -int -main(int argc, char *argv[]) -{ - static STRFILE tbl; /* description table */ - - if (argc != 2) { - fprintf(stderr, "usage: unstr datafile\n"); - exit(1); - } - Infile = argv[1]; - strcpy(Datafile, Infile); - strcat(Datafile, ".dat"); - if ((Inf = fopen(Infile, "r")) == NULL) - err(1, "%s", Infile); - if ((Dataf = fopen(Datafile, "r")) == NULL) - err(1, "%s", Datafile); - fread((char *)&tbl, sizeof(tbl), 1, Dataf); - tbl.str_version = be32toh(tbl.str_version); - tbl.str_numstr = be32toh(tbl.str_numstr); - tbl.str_longlen = be32toh(tbl.str_longlen); - tbl.str_shortlen = be32toh(tbl.str_shortlen); - tbl.str_flags = be32toh(tbl.str_flags); - if (!(tbl.str_flags & (STR_ORDERED | STR_RANDOM))) - errx(1, "nothing to do -- table in file order"); - Delimch = tbl.str_delim; - order_unstr(&tbl); - fclose(Inf); - fclose(Dataf); - exit(0); -} - -static void -order_unstr(STRFILE *tbl) -{ - uint32_t i; - char *sp; - off_t pos; - char buf[BUFSIZ]; - - for (i = 0; i < tbl->str_numstr; i++) { - fread(&pos, 1, sizeof(pos), Dataf); - fseeko(Inf, be64toh(pos), SEEK_SET); - if (i != 0) - printf("%c\n", Delimch); - for (;;) { - sp = fgets(buf, sizeof(buf), Inf); - if (sp == NULL || STR_ENDSTRING(sp, *tbl)) - break; - else - fputs(sp, stdout); - } - } -} diff --git a/games/grdc/Makefile b/games/grdc/Makefile deleted file mode 100644 index 73d395a..0000000 --- a/games/grdc/Makefile +++ /dev/null @@ -1,8 +0,0 @@ -# $FreeBSD$ - -PROG= grdc -MAN= grdc.6 -DPADD= ${LIBNCURSESW} -LDADD= -lncursesw - -.include <bsd.prog.mk> diff --git a/games/grdc/Makefile.depend b/games/grdc/Makefile.depend deleted file mode 100644 index 59bc828..0000000 --- a/games/grdc/Makefile.depend +++ /dev/null @@ -1,19 +0,0 @@ -# $FreeBSD$ -# Autogenerated - do NOT edit! - -DIRDEPS = \ - gnu/lib/csu \ - gnu/lib/libgcc \ - include \ - include/xlocale \ - lib/${CSU_DIR} \ - lib/libc \ - lib/libcompiler_rt \ - lib/ncurses/ncursesw \ - - -.include <dirdeps.mk> - -.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR} -# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree -.endif diff --git a/games/grdc/grdc.6 b/games/grdc/grdc.6 deleted file mode 100644 index 5226a6b..0000000 --- a/games/grdc/grdc.6 +++ /dev/null @@ -1,33 +0,0 @@ -.\" $FreeBSD$ -.Dd September 25, 2001 -.Dt GRDC 6 -.Os -.Sh NAME -.Nm grdc -.Nd grand digital clock (curses) -.Sh SYNOPSIS -.Nm -.Op Fl st -.Op Ar n -.Sh DESCRIPTION -.Nm -runs a digital clock made of reverse-video blanks on a curses -compatible VDU screen. -With an optional numeric argument -.Ar n -it stops after -.Ar n -seconds (default never). -The optional -.Fl s -flag makes digits scroll as they change. -The optional -.Fl t -flag tells grdc to output the time in a 12-hour format. -In this curses mode implementation, -the scrolling option has trouble keeping up. -.Sh AUTHORS -.An -nosplit -.An Amos Shapir , -modified for curses by -.An John Lupien . diff --git a/games/grdc/grdc.c b/games/grdc/grdc.c deleted file mode 100644 index 04cc00b..0000000 --- a/games/grdc/grdc.c +++ /dev/null @@ -1,273 +0,0 @@ -/* - * Grand digital clock for curses compatible terminals - * Usage: grdc [-st] [n] -- run for n seconds (default infinity) - * Flags: -s: scroll - * -t: output time in 12-hour format - * - * - * modified 10-18-89 for curses (jrl) - * 10-18-89 added signal handling - * - * modified 03-25-03 for 12 hour option - * - Samy Al Bahra <samy@kerneled.com> - * - * $FreeBSD$ - */ - -#include <err.h> -#include <ncurses.h> -#include <signal.h> -#include <stdlib.h> -#include <time.h> -#include <unistd.h> - -#define YBASE 10 -#define XBASE 10 -#define XLENGTH 58 -#define YDEPTH 7 - -static struct timespec now; -static struct tm *tm; - -static short disp[11] = { - 075557, 011111, 071747, 071717, 055711, - 074717, 074757, 071111, 075757, 075717, 002020 -}; -static long old[6], next[6], new[6], mask; - -static volatile sig_atomic_t sigtermed; - -static int hascolor = 0; - -static void set(int, int); -static void standt(int); -static void movto(int, int); -static void sighndl(int); -static void usage(void); - -static void -sighndl(int signo) -{ - - sigtermed = signo; -} - -int -main(int argc, char *argv[]) -{ - struct timespec delay; - time_t prev_sec; - long t, a; - int i, j, s, k; - int n; - int ch; - int scrol; - int t12; - - t12 = scrol = 0; - - while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "ts")) != -1) - switch (ch) { - case 's': - scrol = 1; - break; - case 't': - t12 = 1; - break; - case '?': - default: - usage(); - /* NOTREACHED */ - } - argc -= optind; - argv += optind; - - if (argc > 1) { - usage(); - /* NOTREACHED */ - } - - if (argc > 0) { - n = atoi(*argv) + 1; - if (n < 1) { - warnx("number of seconds is out of range"); - usage(); - /* NOTREACHED */ - } - } else - n = 0; - - initscr(); - - signal(SIGINT,sighndl); - signal(SIGTERM,sighndl); - signal(SIGHUP,sighndl); - - cbreak(); - noecho(); - curs_set(0); - - hascolor = has_colors(); - - if(hascolor) { - start_color(); - init_pair(1, COLOR_BLACK, COLOR_RED); - init_pair(2, COLOR_RED, COLOR_BLACK); - init_pair(3, COLOR_WHITE, COLOR_BLACK); - attrset(COLOR_PAIR(2)); - } - - clear(); - refresh(); - - if(hascolor) { - attrset(COLOR_PAIR(3)); - - mvaddch(YBASE - 2, XBASE - 3, ACS_ULCORNER); - hline(ACS_HLINE, XLENGTH); - mvaddch(YBASE - 2, XBASE - 2 + XLENGTH, ACS_URCORNER); - - mvaddch(YBASE + YDEPTH - 1, XBASE - 3, ACS_LLCORNER); - hline(ACS_HLINE, XLENGTH); - mvaddch(YBASE + YDEPTH - 1, XBASE - 2 + XLENGTH, ACS_LRCORNER); - - move(YBASE - 1, XBASE - 3); - vline(ACS_VLINE, YDEPTH); - - move(YBASE - 1, XBASE - 2 + XLENGTH); - vline(ACS_VLINE, YDEPTH); - - attrset(COLOR_PAIR(2)); - } - clock_gettime(CLOCK_REALTIME_FAST, &now); - prev_sec = now.tv_sec; - do { - mask = 0; - tm = localtime(&now.tv_sec); - set(tm->tm_sec%10, 0); - set(tm->tm_sec/10, 4); - set(tm->tm_min%10, 10); - set(tm->tm_min/10, 14); - - if (t12) { - if (tm->tm_hour < 12) { - if (tm->tm_hour == 0) - tm->tm_hour = 12; - mvaddstr(YBASE + 5, XBASE + 52, "AM"); - } else { - if (tm->tm_hour > 12) - tm->tm_hour -= 12; - mvaddstr(YBASE + 5, XBASE + 52, "PM"); - } - } - - set(tm->tm_hour%10, 20); - set(tm->tm_hour/10, 24); - set(10, 7); - set(10, 17); - for(k=0; k<6; k++) { - if(scrol) { - for(i=0; i<5; i++) - new[i] = (new[i]&~mask) | (new[i+1]&mask); - new[5] = (new[5]&~mask) | (next[k]&mask); - } else - new[k] = (new[k]&~mask) | (next[k]&mask); - next[k] = 0; - for(s=1; s>=0; s--) { - standt(s); - for(i=0; i<6; i++) { - if((a = (new[i]^old[i])&(s ? new : old)[i]) != 0) { - for(j=0,t=1<<26; t; t>>=1,j++) { - if(a&t) { - if(!(a&(t<<1))) { - movto(YBASE + i, XBASE + 2*j); - } - addstr(" "); - } - } - } - if(!s) { - old[i] = new[i]; - } - } - if(!s) { - refresh(); - } - } - } - movto(6, 0); - refresh(); - clock_gettime(CLOCK_REALTIME_FAST, &now); - if (now.tv_sec == prev_sec) { - if (delay.tv_nsec > 0) { - delay.tv_sec = 0; - delay.tv_nsec = 1000000000 - now.tv_nsec; - } else { - delay.tv_sec = 1; - delay.tv_nsec = 0; - } - nanosleep(&delay, NULL); - clock_gettime(CLOCK_REALTIME_FAST, &now); - } - n -= now.tv_sec - prev_sec; - prev_sec = now.tv_sec; - if (sigtermed) { - standend(); - clear(); - refresh(); - endwin(); - errx(1, "terminated by signal %d", (int)sigtermed); - } - } while (n); - standend(); - clear(); - refresh(); - endwin(); - return(0); -} - -static void -set(int t, int n) -{ - int i, m; - - m = 7<<n; - for(i=0; i<5; i++) { - next[i] |= ((disp[t]>>(4-i)*3)&07)<<n; - mask |= (next[i]^old[i])&m; - } - if(mask&m) - mask |= m; -} - -static void -standt(int on) -{ - if (on) { - if(hascolor) { - attron(COLOR_PAIR(1)); - } else { - attron(A_STANDOUT); - } - } else { - if(hascolor) { - attron(COLOR_PAIR(2)); - } else { - attroff(A_STANDOUT); - } - } -} - -static void -movto(int line, int col) -{ - move(line, col); -} - -static void -usage(void) -{ - - (void)fprintf(stderr, "usage: grdc [-st] [n]\n"); - exit(1); -} diff --git a/games/morse/Makefile b/games/morse/Makefile deleted file mode 100644 index 4435422..0000000 --- a/games/morse/Makefile +++ /dev/null @@ -1,7 +0,0 @@ -# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93 -# $FreeBSD$ - -PROG= morse -MAN= morse.6 - -.include <bsd.prog.mk> diff --git a/games/morse/Makefile.depend b/games/morse/Makefile.depend deleted file mode 100644 index 3646e2e..0000000 --- a/games/morse/Makefile.depend +++ /dev/null @@ -1,18 +0,0 @@ -# $FreeBSD$ -# Autogenerated - do NOT edit! - -DIRDEPS = \ - gnu/lib/csu \ - gnu/lib/libgcc \ - include \ - include/xlocale \ - lib/${CSU_DIR} \ - lib/libc \ - lib/libcompiler_rt \ - - -.include <dirdeps.mk> - -.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR} -# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree -.endif diff --git a/games/morse/morse.6 b/games/morse/morse.6 deleted file mode 100644 index 94645bb..0000000 --- a/games/morse/morse.6 +++ /dev/null @@ -1,197 +0,0 @@ -.\" Copyright (c) 2000 Alexey Zelkin. All rights reserved. -.\" Copyright (c) 1988, 1991, 1993 -.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. -.\" -.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without -.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions -.\" are met: -.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright -.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. -.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright -.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the -.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. -.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors -.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software -.\" without specific prior written permission. -.\" -.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND -.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE -.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE -.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE -.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL -.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS -.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) -.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT -.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY -.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF -.\" SUCH DAMAGE. -.\" -.\" @(#)bcd.6 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93 -.\" $FreeBSD$ -.\" -.Dd June 7, 2005 -.Dt MORSE 6 -.Os -.Sh NAME -.Nm morse -.Nd reformat input as morse code -.Sh SYNOPSIS -.Nm -.Op Fl elps -.Op Fl d Ar device -.Op Fl w Ar speed -.Op Fl c Ar speed -.Op Fl f Ar frequency -.Op Ar string ... -.Sh DESCRIPTION -The -.Nm -command reads the given input and reformats it in the form of morse code. -Acceptable input are command line arguments or the standard input. -.Pp -Available options: -.Bl -tag -width indent -.It Fl l -The -.Fl l -option produces output suitable for -.Xr led 4 -devices. -.It Fl s -The -.Fl s -option produces dots and dashes rather than words. -.It Fl p -Send morse the real way. -This only works if your system has -.Xr speaker 4 -support. -.It Fl w Ar speed -Set the sending speed in words per minute. -If not specified, the default -speed of 20 WPM is used. -.It Fl c Ar speed -Farnsworth support. -Set the spacing between characters in words per minute. -This is independent of the speed -that the individual characters are sent. -If not specified, defaults to the effective value of the -.Fl w -option. -.It Fl f Ar frequency -Set the sidetone frequency to something other than the default 600 Hz. -.It Fl d Ar device -Similar to -.Fl p , -but use the RTS line of -.Ar device -(which must by a TTY device) -in order to emit the morse code. -.It Fl e -Echo each character before it is sent, used together with either -.Fl p -or -.Fl d . -.El -.Pp -The -.Fl w , c -and -.Fl f -flags only work in conjunction with either the -.Fl p -or the -.Fl d -flag. -.Pp -Not all prosigns have corresponding characters. -Use -.Ql # -for -.Em AS , -.Ql & -for -.Em SK , -.Ql * -for -.Em VE -and -.Ql % -for -.Em BK . -The more common prosigns are -.Ql = -for -.Em BT , -.Ql \&( -for -.Em KN -and -.Ql + -for -.Em AR . -.Pp -Using the -.Fl d -flag, -it is possible to key an external device, like a sidetone generator with -a headset for training purposes, or even your ham radio transceiver. -For -the latter, simply connect an NPN transistor to the serial port -.Ar device , -emitter connected to ground, base connected through a resistor -(few kiloohms) to RTS, collector to the key line of your transceiver -(assuming the transceiver has a positive key supply voltage and is keyed -by grounding the key input line). -A capacitor (some nanofarads) between -base and ground is advisable to keep stray RF away, -and to suppress the -minor glitch that is generated during program startup. -.Sh ENVIRONMENT -Your -.Ev LC_CTYPE -locale codeset determines how -characters with the high-order bit set -are interpreted. -.Pp -.Bl -tag -width ".Li ISO8859-15" -compact -.It Li ISO8859-1 -.It Li ISO8859-15 -Interpret characters with the high-order bit set as Western European characters. -.Pp -.It Li KOI8-R -Interpret characters with the high-order bit set as Cyrillic characters. -.Pp -.It Li ISO8859-7 -Interpret characters with the high-order bit set as Greek characters. -.El -.Sh FILES -.Bl -tag -width ".Pa /dev/speaker" -compact -.It Pa /dev/speaker -.Xr speaker 4 -device file -.El -.Sh SEE ALSO -.Xr speaker 4 -.Sh HISTORY -Sound support for -.Nm -added by -.An Lyndon Nerenberg (VE6BBM) Aq Mt lyndon@orthanc.ca . -.Pp -Ability to key an external device added by -.An J\(:org Wunsch -(DL8DTL). -.Pp -Farnsworth support for -.Nm -added by -.An Stephen Cravey (N5UUU). -.Sh BUGS -Only understands a few European characters -(German and French), -no Asian characters, -and no continental landline code. -.Pp -Sends a bit slower than it should due to system overhead. -Some people would call this a feature. diff --git a/games/morse/morse.c b/games/morse/morse.c deleted file mode 100644 index 03a09a6..0000000 --- a/games/morse/morse.c +++ /dev/null @@ -1,589 +0,0 @@ -/* - * Copyright (c) 1988, 1993 - * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. - * - * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without - * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions - * are met: - * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. - * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the - * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. - * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors - * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software - * without specific prior written permission. - * - * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND - * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE - * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE - * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE - * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL - * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS - * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) - * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT - * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY - * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF - * SUCH DAMAGE. - */ - -/* - * Taught to send *real* morse by Lyndon Nerenberg (VE6BBM) - * <lyndon@orthanc.ca> - */ - -#ifndef lint -static const char copyright[] = -"@(#) Copyright (c) 1988, 1993\n\ - The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n"; -#endif /* not lint */ - -#ifndef lint -#if 0 -static char sccsid[] = "@(#)morse.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93"; -#endif -static const char rcsid[] = - "$FreeBSD$"; -#endif /* not lint */ - -#include <sys/time.h> - -#include <ctype.h> -#include <fcntl.h> -#include <langinfo.h> -#include <locale.h> -#include <signal.h> -#include <stdio.h> -#include <stdlib.h> -#include <string.h> -#include <termios.h> -#include <unistd.h> - -/* Always use the speaker, let the open fail if -p is selected */ -#define SPEAKER "/dev/speaker" - -#ifdef SPEAKER -#include <dev/speaker/speaker.h> -#endif - -struct morsetab { - const char inchar; - const char *morse; -}; - -static const struct morsetab mtab[] = { - - /* letters */ - - {'a', ".-"}, - {'b', "-..."}, - {'c', "-.-."}, - {'d', "-.."}, - {'e', "."}, - {'f', "..-."}, - {'g', "--."}, - {'h', "...."}, - {'i', ".."}, - {'j', ".---"}, - {'k', "-.-"}, - {'l', ".-.."}, - {'m', "--"}, - {'n', "-."}, - {'o', "---"}, - {'p', ".--."}, - {'q', "--.-"}, - {'r', ".-."}, - {'s', "..."}, - {'t', "-"}, - {'u', "..-"}, - {'v', "...-"}, - {'w', ".--"}, - {'x', "-..-"}, - {'y', "-.--"}, - {'z', "--.."}, - - /* digits */ - - {'0', "-----"}, - {'1', ".----"}, - {'2', "..---"}, - {'3', "...--"}, - {'4', "....-"}, - {'5', "....."}, - {'6', "-...."}, - {'7', "--..."}, - {'8', "---.."}, - {'9', "----."}, - - /* punctuation */ - - {',', "--..--"}, - {'.', ".-.-.-"}, - {'"', ".-..-."}, - {'!', "..--."}, - {'?', "..--.."}, - {'/', "-..-."}, - {'-', "-....-"}, - {'=', "-...-"}, /* BT */ - {':', "---..."}, - {';', "-.-.-."}, - {'(', "-.--."}, /* KN */ - {')', "-.--.-"}, - {'$', "...-..-"}, - {'+', ".-.-."}, /* AR */ - {'@', ".--.-."}, /* AC */ - - /* prosigns without already assigned values */ - - {'#', ".-..."}, /* AS */ - {'&', "...-.-"}, /* SK */ - {'*', "...-."}, /* VE */ - {'%', "-...-.-"}, /* BK */ - - {'\0', ""} -}; - -/* - * Code-points for some Latin1 chars in ISO-8859-1 encoding. - * UTF-8 encoded chars in the comments. - */ -static const struct morsetab iso8859_1tab[] = { - {'\340', ".--.-"}, /* à */ - {'\341', ".--.-"}, /* á */ - {'\342', ".--.-"}, /* â */ - {'\344', ".-.-"}, /* ä */ - {'\347', "-.-.."}, /* ç */ - {'\350', "..-.."}, /* è */ - {'\351', "..-.."}, /* é */ - {'\352', "-..-."}, /* ê */ - {'\366', "---."}, /* ö */ - {'\374', "..--"}, /* ü */ - - {'\0', ""} -}; - -/* - * Code-points for some Greek chars in ISO-8859-7 encoding. - * UTF-8 encoded chars in the comments. - */ -static const struct morsetab iso8859_7tab[] = { - /* - * This table does not implement: - * - the special sequences for the seven diphthongs, - * - the punctuation differences. - * Implementing these features would introduce too many - * special-cases in the program's main loop. - * The diphthong sequences are: - * alpha iota .-.- - * alpha upsilon ..-- - * epsilon upsilon ---. - * eta upsilon ...- - * omicron iota ---.. - * omicron upsilon ..- - * upsilon iota .--- - * The different punctuation symbols are: - * ; ..-.- - * ! --..-- - */ - {'\341', ".-"}, /* α, alpha */ - {'\334', ".-"}, /* ά, alpha with acute */ - {'\342', "-..."}, /* β, beta */ - {'\343', "--."}, /* γ, gamma */ - {'\344', "-.."}, /* δ, delta */ - {'\345', "."}, /* ε, epsilon */ - {'\335', "."}, /* έ, epsilon with acute */ - {'\346', "--.."}, /* ζ, zeta */ - {'\347', "...."}, /* η, eta */ - {'\336', "...."}, /* ή, eta with acute */ - {'\350', "-.-."}, /* θ, theta */ - {'\351', ".."}, /* ι, iota */ - {'\337', ".."}, /* ί, iota with acute */ - {'\372', ".."}, /* ϊ, iota with diaeresis */ - {'\300', ".."}, /* ΐ, iota with acute and diaeresis */ - {'\352', "-.-"}, /* κ, kappa */ - {'\353', ".-.."}, /* λ, lambda */ - {'\354', "--"}, /* μ, mu */ - {'\355', "-."}, /* ν, nu */ - {'\356', "-..-"}, /* ξ, xi */ - {'\357', "---"}, /* ο, omicron */ - {'\374', "---"}, /* ό, omicron with acute */ - {'\360', ".--."}, /* π, pi */ - {'\361', ".-."}, /* ρ, rho */ - {'\363', "..."}, /* σ, sigma */ - {'\362', "..."}, /* ς, final sigma */ - {'\364', "-"}, /* τ, tau */ - {'\365', "-.--"}, /* υ, upsilon */ - {'\375', "-.--"}, /* ύ, upsilon with acute */ - {'\373', "-.--"}, /* ϋ, upsilon and diaeresis */ - {'\340', "-.--"}, /* ΰ, upsilon with acute and diaeresis */ - {'\366', "..-."}, /* φ, phi */ - {'\367', "----"}, /* χ, chi */ - {'\370', "--.-"}, /* ψ, psi */ - {'\371', ".--"}, /* ω, omega */ - {'\376', ".--"}, /* ώ, omega with acute */ - - {'\0', ""} -}; - -/* - * Code-points for the Cyrillic alphabet in KOI8-R encoding. - * UTF-8 encoded chars in the comments. - */ -static const struct morsetab koi8rtab[] = { - {'\301', ".-"}, /* а, a */ - {'\302', "-..."}, /* б, be */ - {'\327', ".--"}, /* в, ve */ - {'\307', "--."}, /* г, ge */ - {'\304', "-.."}, /* д, de */ - {'\305', "."}, /* е, ye */ - {'\243', "."}, /* ё, yo, the same as ye */ - {'\326', "...-"}, /* ж, she */ - {'\332', "--.."}, /* з, ze */ - {'\311', ".."}, /* и, i */ - {'\312', ".---"}, /* й, i kratkoye */ - {'\313', "-.-"}, /* к, ka */ - {'\314', ".-.."}, /* л, el */ - {'\315', "--"}, /* м, em */ - {'\316', "-."}, /* н, en */ - {'\317', "---"}, /* о, o */ - {'\320', ".--."}, /* п, pe */ - {'\322', ".-."}, /* р, er */ - {'\323', "..."}, /* с, es */ - {'\324', "-"}, /* т, te */ - {'\325', "..-"}, /* у, u */ - {'\306', "..-."}, /* ф, ef */ - {'\310', "...."}, /* х, kha */ - {'\303', "-.-."}, /* ц, ce */ - {'\336', "---."}, /* ч, che */ - {'\333', "----"}, /* ш, sha */ - {'\335', "--.-"}, /* щ, shcha */ - {'\331', "-.--"}, /* ы, yi */ - {'\330', "-..-"}, /* ь, myakhkij znak */ - {'\334', "..-.."}, /* э, ae */ - {'\300', "..--"}, /* ю, yu */ - {'\321', ".-.-"}, /* я, ya */ - - {'\0', ""} -}; - -static void show(const char *), play(const char *), morse(char); -static void ttyout(const char *); -static void sighandler(int); - -#define GETOPTOPTS "c:d:ef:lsw:" -#define USAGE \ -"usage: morse [-els] [-d device] [-w speed] [-c speed] [-f frequency] [string ...]\n" - -static int pflag, lflag, sflag, eflag; -static int wpm = 20; /* effective words per minute */ -static int cpm; /* effective words per minute between - * characters */ -#define FREQUENCY 600 -static int freq = FREQUENCY; -static char *device; /* for tty-controlled generator */ - -#define DASH_LEN 3 -#define CHAR_SPACE 3 -#define WORD_SPACE (7 - CHAR_SPACE - 1) -static float dot_clock; -static float cdot_clock; -static int spkr, line; -static struct termios otty, ntty; -static int olflags; - -#ifdef SPEAKER -static tone_t sound; -#undef GETOPTOPTS -#define GETOPTOPTS "c:d:ef:lpsw:" -#undef USAGE -#define USAGE \ -"usage: morse [-elps] [-d device] [-w speed] [-c speed] [-f frequency] [string ...]\n" -#endif - -static const struct morsetab *hightab; - -int -main(int argc, char **argv) -{ - int ch, lflags; - char *p, *codeset; - - while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, GETOPTOPTS)) != -1) - switch ((char) ch) { - case 'c': - cpm = atoi(optarg); - break; - case 'd': - device = optarg; - break; - case 'e': - eflag = 1; - setvbuf(stdout, 0, _IONBF, 0); - break; - case 'f': - freq = atoi(optarg); - break; - case 'l': - lflag = 1; - break; -#ifdef SPEAKER - case 'p': - pflag = 1; - break; -#endif - case 's': - sflag = 1; - break; - case 'w': - wpm = atoi(optarg); - break; - case '?': - default: - fputs(USAGE, stderr); - exit(1); - } - if (sflag && lflag) { - fputs("morse: only one of -l and -s allowed\n", stderr); - exit(1); - } - if ((pflag || device) && (sflag || lflag)) { - fputs("morse: only one of -p, -d and -l, -s allowed\n", stderr); - exit(1); - } - if (cpm == 0) - cpm = wpm; - if ((pflag || device) && ((wpm < 1) || (wpm > 60) || (cpm < 1) || (cpm > 60))) { - fputs("morse: insane speed\n", stderr); - exit(1); - } - if ((pflag || device) && (freq == 0)) - freq = FREQUENCY; - -#ifdef SPEAKER - if (pflag) { - if ((spkr = open(SPEAKER, O_WRONLY, 0)) == -1) { - perror(SPEAKER); - exit(1); - } - } else -#endif - if (device) { - if ((line = open(device, O_WRONLY | O_NONBLOCK)) == -1) { - perror("open tty line"); - exit(1); - } - if (tcgetattr(line, &otty) == -1) { - perror("tcgetattr() failed"); - exit(1); - } - ntty = otty; - ntty.c_cflag |= CLOCAL; - tcsetattr(line, TCSANOW, &ntty); - lflags = fcntl(line, F_GETFL); - lflags &= ~O_NONBLOCK; - fcntl(line, F_SETFL, &lflags); - ioctl(line, TIOCMGET, &lflags); - lflags &= ~TIOCM_RTS; - olflags = lflags; - ioctl(line, TIOCMSET, &lflags); - (void)signal(SIGHUP, sighandler); - (void)signal(SIGINT, sighandler); - (void)signal(SIGQUIT, sighandler); - (void)signal(SIGTERM, sighandler); - } - if (pflag || device) { - dot_clock = wpm / 2.4; /* dots/sec */ - dot_clock = 1 / dot_clock; /* duration of a dot */ - dot_clock = dot_clock / 2; /* dot_clock runs at twice */ - /* the dot rate */ - dot_clock = dot_clock * 100; /* scale for ioctl */ - - cdot_clock = cpm / 2.4; /* dots/sec */ - cdot_clock = 1 / cdot_clock; /* duration of a dot */ - cdot_clock = cdot_clock / 2; /* dot_clock runs at twice */ - /* the dot rate */ - cdot_clock = cdot_clock * 100; /* scale for ioctl */ - } - - argc -= optind; - argv += optind; - - if (setlocale(LC_CTYPE, "") != NULL && - *(codeset = nl_langinfo(CODESET)) != '\0') { - if (strcmp(codeset, "KOI8-R") == 0) - hightab = koi8rtab; - else if (strcmp(codeset, "ISO8859-1") == 0 || - strcmp(codeset, "ISO8859-15") == 0) - hightab = iso8859_1tab; - else if (strcmp(codeset, "ISO8859-7") == 0) - hightab = iso8859_7tab; - } - - if (lflag) - printf("m"); - if (*argv) { - do { - for (p = *argv; *p; ++p) { - if (eflag) - putchar(*p); - morse(*p); - } - if (eflag) - putchar(' '); - morse(' '); - } while (*++argv); - } else { - while ((ch = getchar()) != EOF) { - if (eflag) - putchar(ch); - morse(ch); - } - } - if (device) - tcsetattr(line, TCSANOW, &otty); - exit(0); -} - -static void -morse(char c) -{ - const struct morsetab *m; - - if (isalpha((unsigned char)c)) - c = tolower((unsigned char)c); - if ((c == '\r') || (c == '\n')) - c = ' '; - if (c == ' ') { - if (pflag) - play(" "); - else if (device) - ttyout(" "); - else if (lflag) - printf("\n"); - else - show(""); - return; - } - for (m = ((unsigned char)c < 0x80? mtab: hightab); - m != NULL && m->inchar != '\0'; - m++) { - if (m->inchar == c) { - if (pflag) { - play(m->morse); - } else if (device) { - ttyout(m->morse); - } else - show(m->morse); - } - } -} - -static void -show(const char *s) -{ - if (lflag) { - printf("%s ", s); - } else if (sflag) { - printf(" %s\n", s); - } else { - for (; *s; ++s) - printf(" %s", *s == '.' ? *(s + 1) == '\0' ? "dit" : - "di" : "dah"); - printf("\n"); - } -} - -static void -play(const char *s) -{ -#ifdef SPEAKER - const char *c; - - for (c = s; *c != '\0'; c++) { - switch (*c) { - case '.': - sound.frequency = freq; - sound.duration = dot_clock; - break; - case '-': - sound.frequency = freq; - sound.duration = dot_clock * DASH_LEN; - break; - case ' ': - sound.frequency = 0; - sound.duration = cdot_clock * WORD_SPACE; - break; - default: - sound.duration = 0; - } - if (sound.duration) { - if (ioctl(spkr, SPKRTONE, &sound) == -1) { - perror("ioctl play"); - exit(1); - } - } - sound.frequency = 0; - sound.duration = dot_clock; - if (ioctl(spkr, SPKRTONE, &sound) == -1) { - perror("ioctl rest"); - exit(1); - } - } - sound.frequency = 0; - sound.duration = cdot_clock * CHAR_SPACE; - ioctl(spkr, SPKRTONE, &sound); -#endif -} - -static void -ttyout(const char *s) -{ - const char *c; - int duration, on, lflags; - - for (c = s; *c != '\0'; c++) { - switch (*c) { - case '.': - on = 1; - duration = dot_clock; - break; - case '-': - on = 1; - duration = dot_clock * DASH_LEN; - break; - case ' ': - on = 0; - duration = cdot_clock * WORD_SPACE; - break; - default: - on = 0; - duration = 0; - } - if (on) { - ioctl(line, TIOCMGET, &lflags); - lflags |= TIOCM_RTS; - ioctl(line, TIOCMSET, &lflags); - } - duration *= 10000; - if (duration) - usleep(duration); - ioctl(line, TIOCMGET, &lflags); - lflags &= ~TIOCM_RTS; - ioctl(line, TIOCMSET, &lflags); - duration = dot_clock * 10000; - usleep(duration); - } - duration = cdot_clock * CHAR_SPACE * 10000; - usleep(duration); -} - -static void -sighandler(int signo) -{ - - ioctl(line, TIOCMSET, &olflags); - tcsetattr(line, TCSANOW, &otty); - - signal(signo, SIG_DFL); - (void)kill(getpid(), signo); -} diff --git a/games/number/Makefile b/games/number/Makefile deleted file mode 100644 index 8e75f71..0000000 --- a/games/number/Makefile +++ /dev/null @@ -1,7 +0,0 @@ -# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93 -# $FreeBSD$ - -PROG= number -MAN= number.6 - -.include <bsd.prog.mk> diff --git a/games/number/Makefile.depend b/games/number/Makefile.depend deleted file mode 100644 index 3646e2e..0000000 --- a/games/number/Makefile.depend +++ /dev/null @@ -1,18 +0,0 @@ -# $FreeBSD$ -# Autogenerated - do NOT edit! - -DIRDEPS = \ - gnu/lib/csu \ - gnu/lib/libgcc \ - include \ - include/xlocale \ - lib/${CSU_DIR} \ - lib/libc \ - lib/libcompiler_rt \ - - -.include <dirdeps.mk> - -.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR} -# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree -.endif diff --git a/games/number/number.6 b/games/number/number.6 deleted file mode 100644 index a8be9ff..0000000 --- a/games/number/number.6 +++ /dev/null @@ -1,58 +0,0 @@ -.\" Copyright (c) 1989, 1993, 1994 -.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. -.\" -.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without -.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions -.\" are met: -.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright -.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. -.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright -.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the -.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. -.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors -.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software -.\" without specific prior written permission. -.\" -.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND -.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE -.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE -.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE -.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL -.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS -.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) -.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT -.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY -.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF -.\" SUCH DAMAGE. -.\" -.\" @(#)number.6 8.2 (Berkeley) 3/31/94 -.\" $FreeBSD$ -.\" -.Dd March 31, 1994 -.Dt NUMBER 6 -.Os -.Sh NAME -.Nm number -.Nd convert Arabic numerals to English -.Sh SYNOPSIS -.Nm -.Op Fl l -.Op Ar \&# ... -.Sh DESCRIPTION -The -.Nm -utility prints the English equivalent of the number to the standard -output, with each 10^3 magnitude displayed on a separate line. -If no argument is specified, -.Nm -reads lines from the standard input. -.Pp -The options are as follows: -.Bl -tag -width Ds -.It Fl l -Display the number on a single line. -.El -.Sh BUGS -Although -.Nm -understand fractions, it does not understand exponents. diff --git a/games/number/number.c b/games/number/number.c deleted file mode 100644 index e8cf181..0000000 --- a/games/number/number.c +++ /dev/null @@ -1,285 +0,0 @@ -/* - * Copyright (c) 1988, 1993, 1994 - * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. - * - * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without - * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions - * are met: - * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. - * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the - * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. - * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors - * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software - * without specific prior written permission. - * - * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND - * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE - * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE - * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE - * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL - * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS - * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) - * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT - * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY - * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF - * SUCH DAMAGE. - */ - -#ifndef lint -static const char copyright[] = -"@(#) Copyright (c) 1988, 1993, 1994\n\ - The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n"; -#endif /* not lint */ - -#ifndef lint -#if 0 -static char sccsid[] = "@(#)number.c 8.3 (Berkeley) 5/4/95"; -#endif -static const char rcsid[] = - "$FreeBSD$"; -#endif /* not lint */ - -#include <sys/types.h> - -#include <ctype.h> -#include <err.h> -#include <stdio.h> -#include <stdlib.h> -#include <string.h> -#include <unistd.h> - -#define MAXNUM 65 /* Biggest number we handle. */ - -static const char *name1[] = { - "", "one", "two", "three", - "four", "five", "six", "seven", - "eight", "nine", "ten", "eleven", - "twelve", "thirteen", "fourteen", "fifteen", - "sixteen", "seventeen", "eighteen", "nineteen", -}, - *name2[] = { - "", "ten", "twenty", "thirty", - "forty", "fifty", "sixty", "seventy", - "eighty", "ninety", -}, - *name3[] = { - "hundred", "thousand", "million", "billion", - "trillion", "quadrillion", "quintillion", "sextillion", - "septillion", "octillion", "nonillion", "decillion", - "undecillion", "duodecillion", "tredecillion", "quattuordecillion", - "quindecillion", "sexdecillion", - "septendecillion", "octodecillion", - "novemdecillion", "vigintillion", -}; - -static void convert(char *); -static int number(char *, int); -static void pfract(int); -static int unit(int, char *); -static void usage(void); - -static int lflag; - -int -main(int argc, char *argv[]) -{ - int ch, first; - char line[256]; - - lflag = 0; - while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "l")) != -1) - switch (ch) { - case 'l': - lflag = 1; - break; - case '?': - default: - usage(); - } - argc -= optind; - argv += optind; - - if (*argv == NULL) - for (first = 1; - fgets(line, sizeof(line), stdin) != NULL; first = 0) { - if (strchr(line, '\n') == NULL) - errx(1, "line too long."); - if (!first) - (void)printf("...\n"); - convert(line); - } - else - for (first = 1; *argv != NULL; first = 0, ++argv) { - if (!first) - (void)printf("...\n"); - convert(*argv); - } - exit(0); -} - -static void -convert(char *line) -{ - int flen, len, rval; - char *p, *fraction; - - flen = 0; - fraction = NULL; - for (p = line; *p != '\0' && *p != '\n'; ++p) { - if (isblank(*p)) { - if (p == line) { - ++line; - continue; - } - goto badnum; - } - if (isdigit(*p)) - continue; - switch (*p) { - case '.': - if (fraction != NULL) - goto badnum; - fraction = p + 1; - *p = '\0'; - break; - case '-': - if (p == line) - break; - /* FALLTHROUGH */ - default: -badnum: errx(1, "illegal number: %s", line); - break; - } - } - *p = '\0'; - - if ((len = strlen(line)) > MAXNUM || - (fraction != NULL && ((flen = strlen(fraction)) > MAXNUM))) - errx(1, "number too large, max %d digits.", MAXNUM); - - if (*line == '-') { - (void)printf("minus%s", lflag ? " " : "\n"); - ++line; - --len; - } - - rval = len > 0 ? unit(len, line) : 0; - if (fraction != NULL && flen != 0) - for (p = fraction; *p != '\0'; ++p) - if (*p != '0') { - if (rval) - (void)printf("%sand%s", - lflag ? " " : "", - lflag ? " " : "\n"); - if (unit(flen, fraction)) { - if (lflag) - (void)printf(" "); - pfract(flen); - rval = 1; - } - break; - } - if (!rval) - (void)printf("zero%s", lflag ? "" : ".\n"); - if (lflag) - (void)printf("\n"); -} - -static int -unit(int len, char *p) -{ - int off, rval; - - rval = 0; - if (len > 3) { - if (len % 3) { - off = len % 3; - len -= off; - if (number(p, off)) { - rval = 1; - (void)printf(" %s%s", - name3[len / 3], lflag ? " " : ".\n"); - } - p += off; - } - for (; len > 3; p += 3) { - len -= 3; - if (number(p, 3)) { - rval = 1; - (void)printf(" %s%s", - name3[len / 3], lflag ? " " : ".\n"); - } - } - } - if (number(p, len)) { - if (!lflag) - (void)printf(".\n"); - rval = 1; - } - return (rval); -} - -static int -number(char *p, int len) -{ - int val, rval; - - rval = 0; - switch (len) { - case 3: - if (*p != '0') { - rval = 1; - (void)printf("%s hundred", name1[*p - '0']); - } - ++p; - /* FALLTHROUGH */ - case 2: - val = (p[1] - '0') + (p[0] - '0') * 10; - if (val) { - if (rval) - (void)printf(" "); - if (val < 20) - (void)printf("%s", name1[val]); - else { - (void)printf("%s", name2[val / 10]); - if (val % 10) - (void)printf("-%s", name1[val % 10]); - } - rval = 1; - } - break; - case 1: - if (*p != '0') { - rval = 1; - (void)printf("%s", name1[*p - '0']); - } - } - return (rval); -} - -static void -pfract(int len) -{ - static char const * const pref[] = { "", "ten-", "hundred-" }; - - switch(len) { - case 1: - (void)printf("tenths.\n"); - break; - case 2: - (void)printf("hundredths.\n"); - break; - default: - (void)printf("%s%sths.\n", pref[len % 3], name3[len / 3]); - break; - } -} - -static void -usage(void) -{ - (void)fprintf(stderr, "usage: number [-l] [# ...]\n"); - exit(1); -} diff --git a/games/pom/Makefile b/games/pom/Makefile deleted file mode 100644 index 9a74204..0000000 --- a/games/pom/Makefile +++ /dev/null @@ -1,9 +0,0 @@ -# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93 -# $FreeBSD$ - -PROG= pom -MAN= pom.6 -DPADD= ${LIBM} -LDADD= -lm - -.include <bsd.prog.mk> diff --git a/games/pom/Makefile.depend b/games/pom/Makefile.depend deleted file mode 100644 index c9f9d52..0000000 --- a/games/pom/Makefile.depend +++ /dev/null @@ -1,19 +0,0 @@ -# $FreeBSD$ -# Autogenerated - do NOT edit! - -DIRDEPS = \ - gnu/lib/csu \ - gnu/lib/libgcc \ - include \ - include/xlocale \ - lib/${CSU_DIR} \ - lib/libc \ - lib/libcompiler_rt \ - lib/msun \ - - -.include <dirdeps.mk> - -.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR} -# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree -.endif diff --git a/games/pom/pom.6 b/games/pom/pom.6 deleted file mode 100644 index a38a920..0000000 --- a/games/pom/pom.6 +++ /dev/null @@ -1,66 +0,0 @@ -.\" Copyright (c) 1989, 1993 -.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. -.\" -.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without -.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions -.\" are met: -.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright -.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. -.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright -.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the -.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. -.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors -.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software -.\" without specific prior written permission. -.\" -.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND -.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE -.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE -.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE -.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL -.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS -.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) -.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT -.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY -.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF -.\" SUCH DAMAGE. -.\" -.\" @(#)pom.6 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93 -.\" $FreeBSD$ -.\" -.Dd July 14, 2010 -.Dt POM 6 -.Os -.Sh NAME -.Nm pom -.Nd display the phase of the moon -.Sh SYNOPSIS -.Nm -.Op Fl p -.Op Fl d Ar yyyy.mm.dd -.Op Fl t Ar hh:mm:ss -.Sh DESCRIPTION -The -.Nm -utility displays the current phase of the moon. -Useful for selecting software completion target dates and predicting -managerial behavior. -.Pp -Use the -.Fl p -option to print just the phase as a percentage. -.Pp -Use the arguments -.Fl d -and -.Fl t -to specify a specific date and time for which the phase of the moon -has to be calculated. -If -.Fl d -but not -.Fl t -has been specified, it will calculate the phase of the moon on that -day at midnight. -.Sh SEE ALSO -`Practical Astronomy with Your Calculator' by Duffett-Smith. diff --git a/games/pom/pom.c b/games/pom/pom.c deleted file mode 100644 index 5f18bb3..0000000 --- a/games/pom/pom.c +++ /dev/null @@ -1,241 +0,0 @@ -/* - * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993 - * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. - * - * This code is derived from software posted to USENET. - * - * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without - * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions - * are met: - * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. - * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the - * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. - * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors - * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software - * without specific prior written permission. - * - * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND - * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE - * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE - * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE - * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL - * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS - * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) - * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT - * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY - * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF - * SUCH DAMAGE. - */ - -#if 0 -#ifndef lint -static const char copyright[] = -"@(#) Copyright (c) 1989, 1993\n\ - The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n"; -#endif /* not lint */ - -#ifndef lint -static const char sccsid[] = "@(#)pom.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93"; -#endif /* not lint */ -#endif -#include <sys/cdefs.h> -__FBSDID("$FreeBSD$"); - -/* - * Phase of the Moon. Calculates the current phase of the moon. - * Based on routines from `Practical Astronomy with Your Calculator', - * by Duffett-Smith. Comments give the section from the book that - * particular piece of code was adapted from. - * - * -- Keith E. Brandt VIII 1984 - * - */ - -#include <stdio.h> -#include <stdlib.h> -#include <math.h> -#include <string.h> -#include <sysexits.h> -#include <time.h> -#include <unistd.h> - -#ifndef PI -#define PI 3.14159265358979323846 -#endif -#define EPOCH 85 -#define EPSILONg 279.611371 /* solar ecliptic long at EPOCH */ -#define RHOg 282.680403 /* solar ecliptic long of perigee at EPOCH */ -#define ECCEN 0.01671542 /* solar orbit eccentricity */ -#define lzero 18.251907 /* lunar mean long at EPOCH */ -#define Pzero 192.917585 /* lunar mean long of perigee at EPOCH */ -#define Nzero 55.204723 /* lunar mean long of node at EPOCH */ -#define isleap(y) ((((y) % 4) == 0 && ((y) % 100) != 0) || ((y) % 400) == 0) - -static void adj360(double *); -static double dtor(double); -static double potm(double); -static void usage(char *progname); - -int -main(int argc, char **argv) -{ - time_t tt; - struct tm GMT, tmd; - double days, today, tomorrow; - int ch, cnt, pflag = 0; - char *odate = NULL, *otime = NULL; - char *progname = argv[0]; - - while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "d:pt:")) != -1) - switch (ch) { - case 'd': - odate = optarg; - break; - case 'p': - pflag = 1; - break; - case 't': - otime = optarg; - break; - default: - usage(progname); - } - - argc -= optind; - argv += optind; - - if (argc) - usage(progname); - - /* Adjust based on users preferences */ - time(&tt); - if (otime != NULL || odate != NULL) { - /* Save today in case -d isn't specified */ - localtime_r(&tt, &tmd); - - if (odate != NULL) { - tmd.tm_year = strtol(odate, NULL, 10) - 1900; - tmd.tm_mon = strtol(odate + 5, NULL, 10) - 1; - tmd.tm_mday = strtol(odate + 8, NULL, 10); - /* Use midnight as the middle of the night */ - tmd.tm_hour = 0; - tmd.tm_min = 0; - tmd.tm_sec = 0; - } - if (otime != NULL) { - tmd.tm_hour = strtol(otime, NULL, 10); - tmd.tm_min = strtol(otime + 3, NULL, 10); - tmd.tm_sec = strtol(otime + 6, NULL, 10); - } - tt = mktime(&tmd); - } - - gmtime_r(&tt, &GMT); - days = (GMT.tm_yday + 1) + ((GMT.tm_hour + - (GMT.tm_min / 60.0) + (GMT.tm_sec / 3600.0)) / 24.0); - for (cnt = EPOCH; cnt < GMT.tm_year; ++cnt) - days += isleap(1900 + cnt) ? 366 : 365; - today = potm(days) + .5; - if (pflag) { - (void)printf("%1.0f\n", today); - return (0); - } - (void)printf("The Moon is "); - if ((int)today == 100) - (void)printf("Full\n"); - else if (!(int)today) - (void)printf("New\n"); - else { - tomorrow = potm(days + 1); - if ((int)today == 50) - (void)printf("%s\n", tomorrow > today ? - "at the First Quarter" : "at the Last Quarter"); - else { - (void)printf("%s ", tomorrow > today ? - "Waxing" : "Waning"); - if (today > 50) - (void)printf("Gibbous (%1.0f%% of Full)\n", - today); - else if (today < 50) - (void)printf("Crescent (%1.0f%% of Full)\n", - today); - } - } - - return 0; -} - -/* - * potm -- - * return phase of the moon - */ -static double -potm(double days) -{ - double N, Msol, Ec, LambdaSol, l, Mm, Ev, Ac, A3, Mmprime; - double A4, lprime, V, ldprime, D, Nm; - - N = 360 * days / 365.2422; /* sec 42 #3 */ - adj360(&N); - Msol = N + EPSILONg - RHOg; /* sec 42 #4 */ - adj360(&Msol); - Ec = 360 / PI * ECCEN * sin(dtor(Msol)); /* sec 42 #5 */ - LambdaSol = N + Ec + EPSILONg; /* sec 42 #6 */ - adj360(&LambdaSol); - l = 13.1763966 * days + lzero; /* sec 61 #4 */ - adj360(&l); - Mm = l - (0.1114041 * days) - Pzero; /* sec 61 #5 */ - adj360(&Mm); - Nm = Nzero - (0.0529539 * days); /* sec 61 #6 */ - adj360(&Nm); - Ev = 1.2739 * sin(dtor(2*(l - LambdaSol) - Mm)); /* sec 61 #7 */ - Ac = 0.1858 * sin(dtor(Msol)); /* sec 61 #8 */ - A3 = 0.37 * sin(dtor(Msol)); - Mmprime = Mm + Ev - Ac - A3; /* sec 61 #9 */ - Ec = 6.2886 * sin(dtor(Mmprime)); /* sec 61 #10 */ - A4 = 0.214 * sin(dtor(2 * Mmprime)); /* sec 61 #11 */ - lprime = l + Ev + Ec - Ac + A4; /* sec 61 #12 */ - V = 0.6583 * sin(dtor(2 * (lprime - LambdaSol))); /* sec 61 #13 */ - ldprime = lprime + V; /* sec 61 #14 */ - D = ldprime - LambdaSol; /* sec 63 #2 */ - return(50 * (1 - cos(dtor(D)))); /* sec 63 #3 */ -} - -/* - * dtor -- - * convert degrees to radians - */ -static double -dtor(double deg) -{ - - return(deg * PI / 180); -} - -/* - * adj360 -- - * adjust value so 0 <= deg <= 360 - */ -static void -adj360(double *deg) -{ - - for (;;) - if (*deg < 0) - *deg += 360; - else if (*deg > 360) - *deg -= 360; - else - break; -} - -static void -usage(char *progname) -{ - - fprintf(stderr, "Usage: %s [-p] [-d yyyy.mm.dd] [-t hh:mm:ss]\n", - progname); - exit(EX_USAGE); -} diff --git a/games/primes/Makefile b/games/primes/Makefile deleted file mode 100644 index bfc4147..0000000 --- a/games/primes/Makefile +++ /dev/null @@ -1,10 +0,0 @@ -# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93 -# $FreeBSD$ - -PROG= primes -SRCS= pattern.c pr_tbl.c primes.c spsp.c -MAN= -DPADD= ${LIBM} -LDADD= -lm - -.include <bsd.prog.mk> diff --git a/games/primes/Makefile.depend b/games/primes/Makefile.depend deleted file mode 100644 index c9f9d52..0000000 --- a/games/primes/Makefile.depend +++ /dev/null @@ -1,19 +0,0 @@ -# $FreeBSD$ -# Autogenerated - do NOT edit! - -DIRDEPS = \ - gnu/lib/csu \ - gnu/lib/libgcc \ - include \ - include/xlocale \ - lib/${CSU_DIR} \ - lib/libc \ - lib/libcompiler_rt \ - lib/msun \ - - -.include <dirdeps.mk> - -.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR} -# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree -.endif diff --git a/games/primes/pattern.c b/games/primes/pattern.c deleted file mode 100644 index 2b30678..0000000 --- a/games/primes/pattern.c +++ /dev/null @@ -1,444 +0,0 @@ -/* - * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993 - * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. - * - * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by - * Landon Curt Noll. - * - * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without - * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions - * are met: - * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. - * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the - * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. - * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors - * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software - * without specific prior written permission. - * - * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND - * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE - * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE - * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE - * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL - * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS - * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) - * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT - * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY - * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF - * SUCH DAMAGE. - */ - -#ifndef lint -#if 0 -static char sccsid[] = "@(#)pattern.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93"; -#endif -static const char rcsid[] = - "$FreeBSD$"; -#endif /* not lint */ - -/* - * pattern - the Eratosthenes sieve on odd numbers for 3,5,7,11 and 13 - * - * By: Landon Curt Noll chongo@toad.com - * - * chongo <for a good prime call: 391581 * 2^216193 - 1> /\oo/\ - * - * To avoid excessive sieves for small factors, we use the table below to - * setup our sieve blocks. Each element represents an odd number starting - * with 1. All non-zero elements are factors of 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13. - */ - -#include <stddef.h> - -#include "primes.h" - -const char pattern[] = { -1,0,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0, -1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0, -1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1, -0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1, -1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1, -1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1, -0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0, -1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0, -0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1, -1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1, -0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1, -1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0, -1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1, -0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1, -1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0, -1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1, -1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0, -1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1, -0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1, -1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1, -0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1, -0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0, -1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0, -0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1, -1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1, -1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1, -1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0, -0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1, -0,0,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0, -1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1, -1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1, -1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0, -0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1, -0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0, 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-0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1, -1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0, -1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1, -0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1, -1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0, -1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1, -1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0, -0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1, -0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0, -1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1, -1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1, -1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0, -1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1, -0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1, -0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,0,1 -}; -const size_t pattern_size = (sizeof(pattern)/sizeof(pattern[0])); diff --git a/games/primes/pr_tbl.c b/games/primes/pr_tbl.c deleted file mode 100644 index 5bb7093..0000000 --- a/games/primes/pr_tbl.c +++ /dev/null @@ -1,548 +0,0 @@ -/* - * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993 - * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. - * - * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by - * Landon Curt Noll. - * - * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without - * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions - * are met: - * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. - * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the - * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. - * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors - * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software - * without specific prior written permission. - * - * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND - * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE - * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE - * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE - * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL - * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS - * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) - * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT - * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY - * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF - * SUCH DAMAGE. - */ - -#ifndef lint -#if 0 -static char sccsid[] = "@(#)pr_tbl.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93"; -#endif -static const char rcsid[] = - "$FreeBSD$"; -#endif /* not lint */ - -/* - * prime - prime table - * - * By: Landon Curt Noll chongo@toad.com, ...!{sun,tolsoft}!hoptoad!chongo - * - * chongo <for a good prime call: 391581 * 2^216193 - 1> /\oo/\ - * - * We are able to sieve 2^32-1 because this table has primes up to 65537 - * and 65537^2 > 2^32-1. - */ - -#include <stddef.h> - -#include "primes.h" - -const ubig prime[] = { -2,3,5,7,11,13,17,19,23,29,31,37,41,43,47,53,59,61,67,71,73,79,83,89,97,101,103, -107,109,113,127,131,137,139,149,151,157,163,167,173,179,181,191,193,197,199, -211,223,227,229,233,239,241,251,257,263,269,271,277,281,283,293,307,311,313, -317,331,337,347,349,353,359,367,373,379,383,389,397,401,409,419,421,431,433, -439,443,449,457,461,463,467,479,487,491,499,503,509,521,523,541,547,557,563, -569,571,577,587,593,599,601,607,613,617,619,631,641,643,647,653,659,661,673, -677,683,691,701,709,719,727,733,739,743,751,757,761,769,773,787,797,809,811, -821,823,827,829,839,853,857,859,863,877,881,883,887,907,911,919,929,937,941, -947,953,967,971,977,983,991,997,1009,1013,1019,1021,1031,1033,1039,1049,1051, -1061,1063,1069,1087,1091,1093,1097,1103,1109,1117,1123,1129,1151,1153,1163, -1171,1181,1187,1193,1201,1213,1217,1223,1229,1231,1237,1249,1259,1277,1279, -1283,1289,1291,1297,1301,1303,1307,1319,1321,1327,1361,1367,1373,1381,1399, -1409,1423,1427,1429,1433,1439,1447,1451,1453,1459,1471,1481,1483,1487,1489, -1493,1499,1511,1523,1531,1543,1549,1553,1559,1567,1571,1579,1583,1597,1601, -1607,1609,1613,1619,1621,1627,1637,1657,1663,1667,1669,1693,1697,1699,1709, -1721,1723,1733,1741,1747,1753,1759,1777,1783,1787,1789,1801,1811,1823,1831, -1847,1861,1867,1871,1873,1877,1879,1889,1901,1907,1913,1931,1933,1949,1951, -1973,1979,1987,1993,1997,1999,2003,2011,2017,2027,2029,2039,2053,2063,2069, -2081,2083,2087,2089,2099,2111,2113,2129,2131,2137,2141,2143,2153,2161,2179, -2203,2207,2213,2221,2237,2239,2243,2251,2267,2269,2273,2281,2287,2293,2297, -2309,2311,2333,2339,2341,2347,2351,2357,2371,2377,2381,2383,2389,2393,2399, -2411,2417,2423,2437,2441,2447,2459,2467,2473,2477,2503,2521,2531,2539,2543, -2549,2551,2557,2579,2591,2593,2609,2617,2621,2633,2647,2657,2659,2663,2671, -2677,2683,2687,2689,2693,2699,2707,2711,2713,2719,2729,2731,2741,2749,2753, -2767,2777,2789,2791,2797,2801,2803,2819,2833,2837,2843,2851,2857,2861,2879, 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-61561,61583,61603,61609,61613,61627,61631,61637,61643,61651,61657,61667,61673, -61681,61687,61703,61717,61723,61729,61751,61757,61781,61813,61819,61837,61843, -61861,61871,61879,61909,61927,61933,61949,61961,61967,61979,61981,61987,61991, -62003,62011,62017,62039,62047,62053,62057,62071,62081,62099,62119,62129,62131, -62137,62141,62143,62171,62189,62191,62201,62207,62213,62219,62233,62273,62297, -62299,62303,62311,62323,62327,62347,62351,62383,62401,62417,62423,62459,62467, -62473,62477,62483,62497,62501,62507,62533,62539,62549,62563,62581,62591,62597, -62603,62617,62627,62633,62639,62653,62659,62683,62687,62701,62723,62731,62743, -62753,62761,62773,62791,62801,62819,62827,62851,62861,62869,62873,62897,62903, -62921,62927,62929,62939,62969,62971,62981,62983,62987,62989,63029,63031,63059, -63067,63073,63079,63097,63103,63113,63127,63131,63149,63179,63197,63199,63211, -63241,63247,63277,63281,63299,63311,63313,63317,63331,63337,63347,63353,63361, -63367,63377,63389,63391,63397,63409,63419,63421,63439,63443,63463,63467,63473, -63487,63493,63499,63521,63527,63533,63541,63559,63577,63587,63589,63599,63601, -63607,63611,63617,63629,63647,63649,63659,63667,63671,63689,63691,63697,63703, -63709,63719,63727,63737,63743,63761,63773,63781,63793,63799,63803,63809,63823, -63839,63841,63853,63857,63863,63901,63907,63913,63929,63949,63977,63997,64007, -64013,64019,64033,64037,64063,64067,64081,64091,64109,64123,64151,64153,64157, -64171,64187,64189,64217,64223,64231,64237,64271,64279,64283,64301,64303,64319, -64327,64333,64373,64381,64399,64403,64433,64439,64451,64453,64483,64489,64499, -64513,64553,64567,64577,64579,64591,64601,64609,64613,64621,64627,64633,64661, -64663,64667,64679,64693,64709,64717,64747,64763,64781,64783,64793,64811,64817, -64849,64853,64871,64877,64879,64891,64901,64919,64921,64927,64937,64951,64969, -64997,65003,65011,65027,65029,65033,65053,65063,65071,65089,65099,65101,65111, -65119,65123,65129,65141,65147,65167,65171,65173,65179,65183,65203,65213,65239, -65257,65267,65269,65287,65293,65309,65323,65327,65353,65357,65371,65381,65393, -65407,65413,65419,65423,65437,65447,65449,65479,65497,65519,65521,65537 -}; - -/* pr_limit - largest prime in the prime table */ -const ubig *const pr_limit = &prime[(sizeof(prime)/sizeof(prime[0]))-1]; diff --git a/games/primes/primes.c b/games/primes/primes.c deleted file mode 100644 index a1c95c2..0000000 --- a/games/primes/primes.c +++ /dev/null @@ -1,325 +0,0 @@ -/* - * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993 - * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. - * - * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by - * Landon Curt Noll. - * - * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without - * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions - * are met: - * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. - * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the - * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. - * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors - * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software - * without specific prior written permission. - * - * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND - * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE - * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE - * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE - * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL - * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS - * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) - * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT - * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY - * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF - * SUCH DAMAGE. - */ - -#ifndef lint -static const char copyright[] = -"@(#) Copyright (c) 1989, 1993\n\ - The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n"; -#endif /* not lint */ - -#ifndef lint -#if 0 -static char sccsid[] = "@(#)primes.c 8.5 (Berkeley) 5/10/95"; -#endif -static const char rcsid[] = - "$FreeBSD$"; -#endif /* not lint */ - -/* - * primes - generate a table of primes between two values - * - * By: Landon Curt Noll chongo@toad.com, ...!{sun,tolsoft}!hoptoad!chongo - * - * chongo <for a good prime call: 391581 * 2^216193 - 1> /\oo/\ - * - * usage: - * primes [-h] [start [stop]] - * - * Print primes >= start and < stop. If stop is omitted, - * the value 4294967295 (2^32-1) is assumed. If start is - * omitted, start is read from standard input. - * - * validation check: there are 664579 primes between 0 and 10^7 - */ - -#include <ctype.h> -#include <err.h> -#include <errno.h> -#include <inttypes.h> -#include <limits.h> -#include <math.h> -#include <stdio.h> -#include <stdlib.h> -#include <string.h> -#include <unistd.h> - -#include "primes.h" - -/* - * Eratosthenes sieve table - * - * We only sieve the odd numbers. The base of our sieve windows are always - * odd. If the base of table is 1, table[i] represents 2*i-1. After the - * sieve, table[i] == 1 if and only if 2*i-1 is prime. - * - * We make TABSIZE large to reduce the overhead of inner loop setup. - */ -static char table[TABSIZE]; /* Eratosthenes sieve of odd numbers */ - -static int hflag; - -static void primes(ubig, ubig); -static ubig read_num_buf(void); -static void usage(void); - -int -main(int argc, char *argv[]) -{ - ubig start; /* where to start generating */ - ubig stop; /* don't generate at or above this value */ - int ch; - char *p; - - while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "h")) != -1) - switch (ch) { - case 'h': - hflag++; - break; - case '?': - default: - usage(); - } - argc -= optind; - argv += optind; - - start = 0; - stop = SPSPMAX; - - /* - * Convert low and high args. Strtoumax(3) sets errno to - * ERANGE if the number is too large, but, if there's - * a leading minus sign it returns the negation of the - * result of the conversion, which we'd rather disallow. - */ - switch (argc) { - case 2: - /* Start and stop supplied on the command line. */ - if (argv[0][0] == '-' || argv[1][0] == '-') - errx(1, "negative numbers aren't permitted."); - - errno = 0; - start = strtoumax(argv[0], &p, 0); - if (errno) - err(1, "%s", argv[0]); - if (*p != '\0') - errx(1, "%s: illegal numeric format.", argv[0]); - - errno = 0; - stop = strtoumax(argv[1], &p, 0); - if (errno) - err(1, "%s", argv[1]); - if (*p != '\0') - errx(1, "%s: illegal numeric format.", argv[1]); - if (stop > SPSPMAX) - errx(1, "%s: stop value too large.", argv[1]); - break; - case 1: - /* Start on the command line. */ - if (argv[0][0] == '-') - errx(1, "negative numbers aren't permitted."); - - errno = 0; - start = strtoumax(argv[0], &p, 0); - if (errno) - err(1, "%s", argv[0]); - if (*p != '\0') - errx(1, "%s: illegal numeric format.", argv[0]); - break; - case 0: - start = read_num_buf(); - break; - default: - usage(); - } - - if (start > stop) - errx(1, "start value must be less than stop value."); - primes(start, stop); - return (0); -} - -/* - * read_num_buf -- - * This routine returns a number n, where 0 <= n && n <= BIG. - */ -static ubig -read_num_buf(void) -{ - ubig val; - char *p, buf[LINE_MAX]; /* > max number of digits. */ - - for (;;) { - if (fgets(buf, sizeof(buf), stdin) == NULL) { - if (ferror(stdin)) - err(1, "stdin"); - exit(0); - } - for (p = buf; isblank(*p); ++p); - if (*p == '\n' || *p == '\0') - continue; - if (*p == '-') - errx(1, "negative numbers aren't permitted."); - errno = 0; - val = strtoumax(buf, &p, 0); - if (errno) - err(1, "%s", buf); - if (*p != '\n') - errx(1, "%s: illegal numeric format.", buf); - return (val); - } -} - -/* - * primes - sieve and print primes from start up to and but not including stop - */ -static void -primes(ubig start, ubig stop) -{ - char *q; /* sieve spot */ - ubig factor; /* index and factor */ - char *tab_lim; /* the limit to sieve on the table */ - const ubig *p; /* prime table pointer */ - ubig fact_lim; /* highest prime for current block */ - ubig mod; /* temp storage for mod */ - - /* - * A number of systems can not convert double values into unsigned - * longs when the values are larger than the largest signed value. - * We don't have this problem, so we can go all the way to BIG. - */ - if (start < 3) { - start = (ubig)2; - } - if (stop < 3) { - stop = (ubig)2; - } - if (stop <= start) { - return; - } - - /* - * be sure that the values are odd, or 2 - */ - if (start != 2 && (start&0x1) == 0) { - ++start; - } - if (stop != 2 && (stop&0x1) == 0) { - ++stop; - } - - /* - * quick list of primes <= pr_limit - */ - if (start <= *pr_limit) { - /* skip primes up to the start value */ - for (p = &prime[0], factor = prime[0]; - factor < stop && p <= pr_limit; factor = *(++p)) { - if (factor >= start) { - printf(hflag ? "%" PRIx64 "\n" : "%" PRIu64 "\n", factor); - } - } - /* return early if we are done */ - if (p <= pr_limit) { - return; - } - start = *pr_limit+2; - } - - /* - * we shall sieve a bytemap window, note primes and move the window - * upward until we pass the stop point - */ - while (start < stop) { - /* - * factor out 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13 - */ - /* initial pattern copy */ - factor = (start%(2*3*5*7*11*13))/2; /* starting copy spot */ - memcpy(table, &pattern[factor], pattern_size-factor); - /* main block pattern copies */ - for (fact_lim=pattern_size-factor; - fact_lim+pattern_size<=TABSIZE; fact_lim+=pattern_size) { - memcpy(&table[fact_lim], pattern, pattern_size); - } - /* final block pattern copy */ - memcpy(&table[fact_lim], pattern, TABSIZE-fact_lim); - - /* - * sieve for primes 17 and higher - */ - /* note highest useful factor and sieve spot */ - if (stop-start > TABSIZE+TABSIZE) { - tab_lim = &table[TABSIZE]; /* sieve it all */ - fact_lim = sqrt(start+1.0+TABSIZE+TABSIZE); - } else { - tab_lim = &table[(stop-start)/2]; /* partial sieve */ - fact_lim = sqrt(stop+1.0); - } - /* sieve for factors >= 17 */ - factor = 17; /* 17 is first prime to use */ - p = &prime[7]; /* 19 is next prime, pi(19)=7 */ - do { - /* determine the factor's initial sieve point */ - mod = start%factor; - if (mod & 0x1) { - q = &table[(factor-mod)/2]; - } else { - q = &table[mod ? factor-(mod/2) : 0]; - } - /* sive for our current factor */ - for ( ; q < tab_lim; q += factor) { - *q = '\0'; /* sieve out a spot */ - } - factor = *p++; - } while (factor <= fact_lim); - - /* - * print generated primes - */ - for (q = table; q < tab_lim; ++q, start+=2) { - if (*q) { - if (start > SIEVEMAX) { - if (!isprime(start)) - continue; - } - printf(hflag ? "%" PRIx64 "\n" : "%" PRIu64 "\n", start); - } - } - } -} - -static void -usage(void) -{ - fprintf(stderr, "usage: primes [-h] [start [stop]]\n"); - exit(1); -} diff --git a/games/primes/primes.h b/games/primes/primes.h deleted file mode 100644 index 3a18fc7..0000000 --- a/games/primes/primes.h +++ /dev/null @@ -1,77 +0,0 @@ -/* - * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993 - * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. - * - * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by - * Landon Curt Noll. - * - * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without - * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions - * are met: - * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. - * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the - * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. - * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors - * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software - * without specific prior written permission. - * - * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND - * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE - * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE - * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE - * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL - * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS - * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) - * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT - * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY - * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF - * SUCH DAMAGE. - * - * @(#)primes.h 8.2 (Berkeley) 3/1/94 - * $FreeBSD$ - */ - -/* - * primes - generate a table of primes between two values - * - * By: Landon Curt Noll chongo@toad.com, ...!{sun,tolsoft}!hoptoad!chongo - * - * chongo <for a good prime call: 391581 * 2^216193 - 1> /\oo/\ - */ - -#include <stdint.h> - -/* ubig is the type that holds a large unsigned value */ -typedef uint64_t ubig; /* must be >=32 bit unsigned value */ -#define BIG ULONG_MAX /* largest value will sieve */ - -/* bytes in sieve table (must be > 3*5*7*11) */ -#define TABSIZE 256*1024 - -/* - * prime[i] is the (i-1)th prime. - * - * We are able to sieve 2^32-1 because this byte table yields all primes - * up to 65537 and 65537^2 > 2^32-1. - */ -extern const ubig prime[]; -extern const ubig *const pr_limit; /* largest prime in the prime array */ - -/* Maximum size sieving alone can handle. */ -#define SIEVEMAX 4295098368ULL - -/* - * To avoid excessive sieves for small factors, we use the table below to - * setup our sieve blocks. Each element represents an odd number starting - * with 1. All non-zero elements are factors of 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13. - */ -extern const char pattern[]; -extern const size_t pattern_size; /* length of pattern array */ - -/* Test for primality using strong pseudoprime tests. */ -int isprime(ubig); - -/* Maximum value which the SPSP code can handle. */ -#define SPSPMAX 3825123056546413050ULL diff --git a/games/primes/spsp.c b/games/primes/spsp.c deleted file mode 100644 index f61acd6..0000000 --- a/games/primes/spsp.c +++ /dev/null @@ -1,181 +0,0 @@ -/*- - * Copyright (c) 2014 Colin Percival - * All rights reserved. - * - * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without - * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions - * are met: - * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. - * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the - * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. - * - * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE AUTHOR AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND - * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE - * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE - * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHOR OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE - * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL - * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS - * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) - * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT - * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY - * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF - * SUCH DAMAGE. - */ -#include <sys/cdefs.h> -__FBSDID("$FreeBSD$"); - -#include <assert.h> -#include <stddef.h> -#include <stdint.h> - -#include "primes.h" - -/* Return a * b % n, where 0 <= a, b < 2^63, 0 < n < 2^63. */ -static uint64_t -mulmod(uint64_t a, uint64_t b, uint64_t n) -{ - uint64_t x = 0; - - while (b != 0) { - if (b & 1) - x = (x + a) % n; - a = (a + a) % n; - b >>= 1; - } - - return (x); -} - -/* Return a^r % n, where 0 <= a < 2^63, 0 < n < 2^63. */ -static uint64_t -powmod(uint64_t a, uint64_t r, uint64_t n) -{ - uint64_t x = 1; - - while (r != 0) { - if (r & 1) - x = mulmod(a, x, n); - a = mulmod(a, a, n); - r >>= 1; - } - - return (x); -} - -/* Return non-zero if n is a strong pseudoprime to base p. */ -static int -spsp(uint64_t n, uint64_t p) -{ - uint64_t x; - uint64_t r = n - 1; - int k = 0; - - /* Compute n - 1 = 2^k * r. */ - while ((r & 1) == 0) { - k++; - r >>= 1; - } - - /* Compute x = p^r mod n. If x = 1, n is a p-spsp. */ - x = powmod(p, r, n); - if (x == 1) - return (1); - - /* Compute x^(2^i) for 0 <= i < n. If any are -1, n is a p-spsp. */ - while (k > 0) { - if (x == n - 1) - return (1); - x = powmod(x, 2, n); - k--; - } - - /* Not a p-spsp. */ - return (0); -} - -/* Test for primality using strong pseudoprime tests. */ -int -isprime(ubig _n) -{ - uint64_t n = _n; - - /* - * Values from: - * C. Pomerance, J.L. Selfridge, and S.S. Wagstaff, Jr., - * The pseudoprimes to 25 * 10^9, Math. Comp. 35(151):1003-1026, 1980. - */ - - /* No SPSPs to base 2 less than 2047. */ - if (!spsp(n, 2)) - return (0); - if (n < 2047ULL) - return (1); - - /* No SPSPs to bases 2,3 less than 1373653. */ - if (!spsp(n, 3)) - return (0); - if (n < 1373653ULL) - return (1); - - /* No SPSPs to bases 2,3,5 less than 25326001. */ - if (!spsp(n, 5)) - return (0); - if (n < 25326001ULL) - return (1); - - /* No SPSPs to bases 2,3,5,7 less than 3215031751. */ - if (!spsp(n, 7)) - return (0); - if (n < 3215031751ULL) - return (1); - - /* - * Values from: - * G. Jaeschke, On strong pseudoprimes to several bases, - * Math. Comp. 61(204):915-926, 1993. - */ - - /* No SPSPs to bases 2,3,5,7,11 less than 2152302898747. */ - if (!spsp(n, 11)) - return (0); - if (n < 2152302898747ULL) - return (1); - - /* No SPSPs to bases 2,3,5,7,11,13 less than 3474749660383. */ - if (!spsp(n, 13)) - return (0); - if (n < 3474749660383ULL) - return (1); - - /* No SPSPs to bases 2,3,5,7,11,13,17 less than 341550071728321. */ - if (!spsp(n, 17)) - return (0); - if (n < 341550071728321ULL) - return (1); - - /* No SPSPs to bases 2,3,5,7,11,13,17,19 less than 341550071728321. */ - if (!spsp(n, 19)) - return (0); - if (n < 341550071728321ULL) - return (1); - - /* - * Value from: - * Y. Jiang and Y. Deng, Strong pseudoprimes to the first eight prime - * bases, Math. Comp. 83(290):2915-2924, 2014. - */ - - /* No SPSPs to bases 2..23 less than 3825123056546413051. */ - if (!spsp(n, 23)) - return (0); - if (n < 3825123056546413051) - return (1); - - /* We can't handle values larger than this. */ - assert(n <= SPSPMAX); - - /* UNREACHABLE */ - return (0); -} diff --git a/games/random/Makefile b/games/random/Makefile deleted file mode 100644 index 9136c98..0000000 --- a/games/random/Makefile +++ /dev/null @@ -1,8 +0,0 @@ -# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 3/31/94 -# $FreeBSD$ - -PROG= random -MAN= random.6 -SRCS= random.c randomize_fd.c - -.include <bsd.prog.mk> diff --git a/games/random/Makefile.depend b/games/random/Makefile.depend deleted file mode 100644 index 3646e2e..0000000 --- a/games/random/Makefile.depend +++ /dev/null @@ -1,18 +0,0 @@ -# $FreeBSD$ -# Autogenerated - do NOT edit! - -DIRDEPS = \ - gnu/lib/csu \ - gnu/lib/libgcc \ - include \ - include/xlocale \ - lib/${CSU_DIR} \ - lib/libc \ - lib/libcompiler_rt \ - - -.include <dirdeps.mk> - -.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR} -# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree -.endif diff --git a/games/random/random.6 b/games/random/random.6 deleted file mode 100644 index bd38ba6..0000000 --- a/games/random/random.6 +++ /dev/null @@ -1,125 +0,0 @@ -.\" Copyright (c) 1994 -.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. -.\" -.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without -.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions -.\" are met: -.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright -.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. -.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright -.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the -.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. -.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors -.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software -.\" without specific prior written permission. -.\" -.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND -.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE -.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE -.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE -.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL -.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS -.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) -.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT -.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY -.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF -.\" SUCH DAMAGE. -.\" -.\" @(#)random.6 8.2 (Berkeley) 3/31/94 -.\" $FreeBSD$ -.\" -.Dd February 8, 2003 -.Dt RANDOM 6 -.Os -.Sh NAME -.Nm random -.Nd random lines from a file or random numbers -.Sh SYNOPSIS -.Nm -.Op Fl elrUuw -.Op Fl f Ar filename -.Op Ar denominator -.Sh DESCRIPTION -.Nm Random -has two distinct modes of operations. -The default is to read in lines -from the standard input and randomly write them out -to the standard output with a probability of -1 / -.Ar denominator . -The default -.Ar denominator -for this mode of operation is 2, giving each line a 50/50 chance of -being displayed. -.Pp -The second mode of operation is to read in a file from -.Ar filename -and randomize the contents of the file and send it back out to -standard output. -The contents can be randomized based off of newlines or based off of -space characters as determined by -.Xr isspace 3 . -The default -.Ar denominator -for this mode of operation is 1, which gives each line a chance to be -displayed, but in a -.Xr random 3 -order. -.Pp -The options are as follows: -.Bl -tag -width Ds -.It Fl e -If the -.Fl e -option is specified, -.Nm -does not read or write anything, and simply exits with a random -exit value of 0 to -.Ar denominator -\&- 1, inclusive. -.It Fl f Ar filename -The -.Fl f -option is used to specify the -.Ar filename -to read from. -Standard input is used if -.Ar filename -is set to -.Sq Fl . -.It Fl l -Randomize the input via newlines (the default). -.It Fl r -The -.Fl r -option guarantees that the output is unbuffered. -.It Fl U -Tells -.Xr random 6 -that it is okay for it to reuse any given line or word when creating a -randomized output. -.It Fl u -Tells -.Xr random 6 -not to select the same line or word from a file more than once (the -default). -This does not guarantee uniqueness if there are two of the -same tokens from the input, but it does prevent selecting the same -token more than once. -.It Fl w -Randomize words separated by -.Xr isspace 3 -instead of newlines. -.El -.Sh SEE ALSO -.Xr random 3 , -.Xr fortune 6 -.Sh HISTORY -The -functionality to randomizing lines and words was added in 2003 by -.An Sean Chittenden Aq Mt seanc@FreeBSD.org . -.Sh BUGS -No index is used when printing out tokens from the list which -makes it rather slow for large files (10MB+). -For smaller -files, however, it should still be quite fast and efficient. diff --git a/games/random/random.c b/games/random/random.c deleted file mode 100644 index 99f9d90..0000000 --- a/games/random/random.c +++ /dev/null @@ -1,194 +0,0 @@ -/* - * Copyright (c) 1994 - * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. - * - * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by - * Guy Harris at Network Appliance Corp. - * - * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without - * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions - * are met: - * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. - * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the - * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. - * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors - * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software - * without specific prior written permission. - * - * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND - * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE - * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE - * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE - * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL - * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS - * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) - * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT - * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY - * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF - * SUCH DAMAGE. - */ - -#if 0 -#ifndef lint -static const char copyright[] = -"@(#) Copyright (c) 1994\n\ - The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n"; -#endif /* not lint */ - -#ifndef lint -static const char sccsid[] = "@(#)random.c 8.5 (Berkeley) 4/5/94"; -#endif /* not lint */ -#endif -#include <sys/cdefs.h> -__FBSDID("$FreeBSD$"); - -#include <sys/types.h> - -#include <err.h> -#include <errno.h> -#include <fcntl.h> -#include <limits.h> -#include <locale.h> -#include <stdio.h> -#include <stdlib.h> -#include <string.h> -#include <time.h> -#include <unistd.h> - -#include "randomize_fd.h" - -static void usage(void); - -int -main(int argc, char *argv[]) -{ - double denom; - int ch, fd, random_exit, randomize_lines, random_type, ret, - selected, unique_output, unbuffer_output; - char *ep; - const char *filename; - - denom = 0; - filename = "/dev/fd/0"; - random_type = RANDOM_TYPE_UNSET; - random_exit = randomize_lines = unbuffer_output = 0; - unique_output = 1; - - (void)setlocale(LC_CTYPE, ""); - - while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "ef:hlruUw")) != -1) - switch (ch) { - case 'e': - random_exit = 1; - break; - case 'f': - randomize_lines = 1; - if (strcmp(optarg, "-") != 0) - filename = optarg; - break; - case 'l': - randomize_lines = 1; - random_type = RANDOM_TYPE_LINES; - break; - case 'r': - unbuffer_output = 1; - break; - case 'u': - randomize_lines = 1; - unique_output = 1; - break; - case 'U': - randomize_lines = 1; - unique_output = 0; - break; - case 'w': - randomize_lines = 1; - random_type = RANDOM_TYPE_WORDS; - break; - default: - case '?': - usage(); - /* NOTREACHED */ - } - - argc -= optind; - argv += optind; - - switch (argc) { - case 0: - denom = (randomize_lines ? 1 : 2); - break; - case 1: - errno = 0; - denom = strtod(*argv, &ep); - if (errno == ERANGE) - err(1, "%s", *argv); - if (denom <= 0 || *ep != '\0') - errx(1, "denominator is not valid."); - if (random_exit && denom > 256) - errx(1, "denominator must be <= 256 for random exit."); - break; - default: - usage(); - /* NOTREACHED */ - } - - srandomdev(); - - /* - * Act as a filter, randomly choosing lines of the standard input - * to write to the standard output. - */ - if (unbuffer_output) - setbuf(stdout, NULL); - - /* - * Act as a filter, randomizing lines read in from a given file - * descriptor and write the output to standard output. - */ - if (randomize_lines) { - if ((fd = open(filename, O_RDONLY, 0)) < 0) - err(1, "%s", filename); - ret = randomize_fd(fd, random_type, unique_output, denom); - if (!random_exit) - return(ret); - } - - /* Compute a random exit status between 0 and denom - 1. */ - if (random_exit) - return (int)(denom * random() / RANDOM_MAX_PLUS1); - - /* - * Select whether to print the first line. (Prime the pump.) - * We find a random number between 0 and denom - 1 and, if it's - * 0 (which has a 1 / denom chance of being true), we select the - * line. - */ - selected = (int)(denom * random() / RANDOM_MAX_PLUS1) == 0; - while ((ch = getchar()) != EOF) { - if (selected) - (void)putchar(ch); - if (ch == '\n') { - /* End of that line. See if we got an error. */ - if (ferror(stdout)) - err(2, "stdout"); - - /* Now see if the next line is to be printed. */ - selected = (int)(denom * random() / - RANDOM_MAX_PLUS1) == 0; - } - } - if (ferror(stdin)) - err(2, "stdin"); - exit (0); -} - -static void -usage(void) -{ - - fprintf(stderr, "usage: random [-elrUuw] [-f filename] [denominator]\n"); - exit(1); -} diff --git a/games/random/randomize_fd.c b/games/random/randomize_fd.c deleted file mode 100644 index f66b965..0000000 --- a/games/random/randomize_fd.c +++ /dev/null @@ -1,248 +0,0 @@ -/* - * Copyright (C) 2003 Sean Chittenden <seanc@FreeBSD.org> - * All rights reserved. - * - * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without - * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions - * are met: - * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. - * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the - * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. - * - * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE PROJECT AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND - * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE - * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE - * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE PROJECT OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE - * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL - * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS - * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) - * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT - * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY - * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF - * SUCH DAMAGE. - */ - -#include <sys/cdefs.h> -__FBSDID("$FreeBSD$"); - -#include <sys/types.h> -#include <sys/param.h> - -#include <ctype.h> -#include <err.h> -#include <errno.h> -#include <stdlib.h> -#include <stdio.h> -#include <string.h> -#include <unistd.h> - -#include "randomize_fd.h" - -static struct rand_node *rand_root; -static struct rand_node *rand_tail; - -static struct rand_node * -rand_node_allocate(void) -{ - struct rand_node *n; - - n = (struct rand_node *)malloc(sizeof(struct rand_node)); - if (n == NULL) - err(1, "malloc"); - - n->len = 0; - n->cp = NULL; - n->next = NULL; - return(n); -} - -static void -rand_node_free(struct rand_node *n) -{ - if (n != NULL) { - if (n->cp != NULL) - free(n->cp); - - free(n); - } -} - -static void -rand_node_free_rec(struct rand_node *n) -{ - if (n != NULL) { - if (n->next != NULL) - rand_node_free_rec(n->next); - - rand_node_free(n); - } -} - -static void -rand_node_append(struct rand_node *n) -{ - if (rand_root == NULL) - rand_root = rand_tail = n; - else { - rand_tail->next = n; - rand_tail = n; - } -} - -int -randomize_fd(int fd, int type, int unique, double denom) -{ - u_char *buf; - u_int slen; - u_long i, j, numnode, selected; - struct rand_node *n, *prev; - int bufleft, eof, fndstr, ret; - size_t bufc, buflen; - ssize_t len; - - rand_root = rand_tail = NULL; - bufc = i = 0; - bufleft = eof = fndstr = numnode = 0; - - if (type == RANDOM_TYPE_UNSET) - type = RANDOM_TYPE_LINES; - - buflen = sizeof(u_char) * MAXBSIZE; - buf = (u_char *)malloc(buflen); - if (buf == NULL) - err(1, "malloc"); - - while (!eof) { - /* Check to see if we have bits in the buffer */ - if (bufleft == 0) { - len = read(fd, buf, buflen); - if (len == -1) - err(1, "read"); - else if (len == 0) { - eof++; - break; - } else if ((size_t)len < buflen) - buflen = (size_t)len; - - bufleft = (int)len; - } - - /* Look for a newline */ - for (i = bufc; i <= buflen && bufleft >= 0; i++, bufleft--) { - if (i == buflen) { - if (fndstr) { - if (!eof) { - memmove(buf, &buf[bufc], i - bufc); - i -= bufc; - bufc = 0; - len = read(fd, &buf[i], buflen - i); - if (len == -1) - err(1, "read"); - else if (len == 0) { - eof++; - break; - } else if (len < (ssize_t)(buflen - i)) - buflen = i + (size_t)len; - - bufleft = (int)len; - fndstr = 0; - } - } else { - buflen *= 2; - buf = (u_char *)realloc(buf, buflen); - if (buf == NULL) - err(1, "realloc"); - - if (!eof) { - len = read(fd, &buf[i], buflen - i); - if (len == -1) - err(1, "read"); - else if (len == 0) { - eof++; - break; - } else if (len < (ssize_t)(buflen - i)) - buflen = i + (size_t)len; - - bufleft = (int)len; - } - - } - } - - if ((type == RANDOM_TYPE_LINES && buf[i] == '\n') || - (type == RANDOM_TYPE_WORDS && isspace(buf[i])) || - (eof && i == buflen - 1)) { - make_token: - if (numnode == RANDOM_MAX_PLUS1) { - errno = EFBIG; - err(1, "too many delimiters"); - } - numnode++; - n = rand_node_allocate(); - if (-1 != (int)i) { - slen = i - (u_long)bufc; - n->len = slen + 2; - n->cp = (u_char *)malloc(slen + 2); - if (n->cp == NULL) - err(1, "malloc"); - - memmove(n->cp, &buf[bufc], slen); - n->cp[slen] = buf[i]; - n->cp[slen + 1] = '\0'; - bufc = i + 1; - } - rand_node_append(n); - fndstr = 1; - } - } - } - - (void)close(fd); - - /* Necessary evil to compensate for files that don't end with a newline */ - if (bufc != i) { - i--; - goto make_token; - } - - free(buf); - - for (i = numnode; i > 0; i--) { - selected = random() % numnode; - - for (j = 0, prev = n = rand_root; n != NULL; j++, prev = n, n = n->next) { - if (j == selected) { - if (n->cp == NULL) - break; - - if ((int)(denom * random() / - RANDOM_MAX_PLUS1) == 0) { - ret = printf("%.*s", - (int)n->len - 1, n->cp); - if (ret < 0) - err(1, "printf"); - } - if (unique) { - if (n == rand_root) - rand_root = n->next; - if (n == rand_tail) - rand_tail = prev; - - prev->next = n->next; - rand_node_free(n); - numnode--; - } - break; - } - } - } - - fflush(stdout); - - if (!unique) - rand_node_free_rec(rand_root); - - return(0); -} diff --git a/games/random/randomize_fd.h b/games/random/randomize_fd.h deleted file mode 100644 index de3f873..0000000 --- a/games/random/randomize_fd.h +++ /dev/null @@ -1,51 +0,0 @@ -/* - * Copyright (C) 2003 Sean Chittenden <seanc@FreeBSD.org> - * All rights reserved. - * - * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without - * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions - * are met: - * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. - * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright - * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the - * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. - * - * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE PROJECT AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND - * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE - * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE - * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE PROJECT OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE - * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL - * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS - * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) - * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT - * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY - * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF - * SUCH DAMAGE. - * - * $FreeBSD$ - */ - -#ifndef __RANDOMIZE_FD__ -#define __RANDOMIZE_FD__ - -/* - * The random() function is defined to return values between 0 and - * 2^31 - 1 inclusive in random(3). - */ -#define RANDOM_MAX_PLUS1 0x80000000UL - -#define RANDOM_TYPE_UNSET 0 -#define RANDOM_TYPE_LINES 1 -#define RANDOM_TYPE_WORDS 2 - -/* The multiple instance single integer key */ -struct rand_node { - u_char *cp; - u_int len; - struct rand_node *next; -}; - -int randomize_fd(int fd, int type, int unique, double denom); - -#endif diff --git a/games/tests/Makefile b/games/tests/Makefile deleted file mode 100644 index 45f93d9..0000000 --- a/games/tests/Makefile +++ /dev/null @@ -1,10 +0,0 @@ -# $FreeBSD$ - -.include <bsd.own.mk> - -TESTSDIR= ${TESTSBASE}/games - -.PATH: ${.CURDIR:H:H}/tests -KYUAFILE= yes - -.include <bsd.test.mk> |
