diff options
| author | ru <ru@FreeBSD.org> | 2005-02-07 21:00:20 +0000 |
|---|---|---|
| committer | ru <ru@FreeBSD.org> | 2005-02-07 21:00:20 +0000 |
| commit | a75ee2a221d0243e5ba12b8643ad73c4b98b032b (patch) | |
| tree | a13c4c6119066003218b03211e2eba1425a1614c /games | |
| parent | 7e2ef7ec899da5ef8fa0e9645caa1ab00575a5c1 (diff) | |
| download | FreeBSD-src-a75ee2a221d0243e5ba12b8643ad73c4b98b032b.zip FreeBSD-src-a75ee2a221d0243e5ba12b8643ad73c4b98b032b.tar.gz | |
Trim more cookies, by playing with different hash functions,
e.g., by trimming all non-alphabet characters and whitespace,
converting to lowercase, and considering only first (or last)
N letters (maybe only consonants). The fortune editor then
displays all fortunes that have the same hash, and allows to
remove one of them. The rest is written to stdout.
Diffstat (limited to 'games')
| -rw-r--r-- | games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes | 3218 |
1 files changed, 3 insertions, 3215 deletions
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes index 959ac42..f420503 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes @@ -136,12 +136,6 @@ to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it gets expunged. % - DELETE A FORTUNE! -Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! -Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system? -You can! Just mail to `fortune' with the fortune you hate most, -and we'll make sure it gets expunged. -% Get GUMMed --- ------ The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April @@ -260,17 +254,6 @@ and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods. The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns. % - Pittsburgh driver's test -7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light - but a steady left tail light. - a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your - horn to call the problem to the driver's attention. - b) The driver is signaling a right turn. - c) The driver is signaling a left turn. - d) The driver is from out of town. -The correct answer is d. -Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns. -% Pittsburgh Driver's Test (8) Pedestrians are @@ -284,16 +267,6 @@ The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely. % Pittsburgh driver's test -8: Pedestrians are - a) irrelevant. - b) communists. - c) a nuisance. - d) difficult to clean off the front grille. -The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they -are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them -completely. -% - Pittsburgh driver's test 9: Roads are salted in order to a) kill grass. b) melt snow. @@ -370,18 +343,6 @@ window ... bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books). % - Answers to Last Fortunes' Questions: -1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). -2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. -3) You don't know. Neither does your boss. -4) Who cares? -5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana, - submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. Unfortunately, I lost it. -6) I know the answer to this one, but I'm not telling! Suffer! Ha-ha-ha!! -7) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 10,953 of my - book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom - supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books). -% DETERIORATA Go placidly amid the noise and waste, @@ -577,22 +538,6 @@ How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.) -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" % - THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM - -If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your contribution -of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue without your support. -Less than 14% of all fortune users are contributors. That means that 86% of -you are getting a free ride. We can't go on like this much longer. Federal -cutbacks mean less money for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase -to make up the difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between -midnight and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to -`fortune'. Just type in your favorite pithy fortune. Do it now before you -forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. Don't miss -out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 30 fortunes or -more, you will receive a free subscription to "The Fortune Hunter", our monthly -program guide. If you contribute 50 or more, you will receive a free "Fortune -Hunter" coffee mug! -% (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along") Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug @@ -860,19 +805,6 @@ and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" % - A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing -about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their -arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon -the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because -Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply -incredible surgical feat." - The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the -Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of -that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an -architect." - The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, -"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" -% A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the house of seven gobbles. % @@ -1131,24 +1063,6 @@ mysterious setting?" And suddenly the novice was enlightened. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % - A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his -novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how -insignificant," said the master. - - "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. - - "It is," came the reply. - - "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. - - "It is even in a video game," said the master. - - "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" - - The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The -lesson is over for today," he said. - -- "The Tao of Programming" -% A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices, "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant," said the master. @@ -1767,13 +1681,6 @@ Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" % - Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design. -Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas guage, nor -any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. -Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the -center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will -usually know what's wrong." -% Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November, and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't @@ -1914,19 +1821,6 @@ I've always been especially fond of married women." Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie" % - Deck Us All With Boston Charlie - -Deck us all with Boston Charlie, -Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! -Nora's freezin' on the trolley, -Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! - -Don't we know archaic barrel, -Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. -Trolley Molly don't love Harold, -Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! - -- Walt Kelly -% Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine. @@ -1977,13 +1871,6 @@ man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker." It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins. % - During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were -blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face -country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost -hit my wife." - "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot -at mine, over there." -% During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, @@ -2090,22 +1977,6 @@ But say my verses do not scan, And I get me another man! -- Dorothy Parker % - For example, in Year 1 that useless letter 'c' would be dropped to be -replased either by 'k' or 's', and likewise 'x' would no longer be part of the -alphabet. The only kase in which 'c' would be retained would be the 'ch' -formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform 'w' spelling, -so that 'which' and 'one' would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might -well abolish 'y' replasing it with 'i' and Iear 4 might fiks the 'g-j' -anomali wonse and for all. - Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with -Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so -modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai -Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez -'c', 'y' and 'x' - bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez - tu -riplais 'ch', 'sh', and 'th' rispektivli. - Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a -lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. -% "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." @@ -2167,11 +2038,6 @@ extracurricular activity except you." -- Firesign Theater % - "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an -extracurricular activity except you." - "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" - "Only to ten, Mudhead." -% "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a @@ -2251,7 +2117,7 @@ to conquer the world. Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does -not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seeks fortune, +not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune, for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time." Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" @@ -2466,18 +2332,6 @@ each other up: Bob: Fine. -- Dave Barry % - "I don't know what you mean by 'glory'," Alice said. - Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- -till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'" - "But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument'," Alice -objected. - "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful -tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less." - "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean -so many different things." - "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master -- -that's all." -% "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for @@ -2690,27 +2544,6 @@ blank." -- Alex Crain % In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, -junior, what are you up to?" - "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the -rabbit. - "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!" - "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the -rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied -expression on his face. - Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" - "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits -devour wolves." - "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" - "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes -out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. -Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody -should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting -next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. - -The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- -it's your PhD advisor that really counts. -% - In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, Junior, what are you up to?" "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the rabbit. @@ -2810,7 +2643,7 @@ you close your eyes?" At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. % In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It -changes into a bird whose winds are like clouds filling the sky. When this +changes into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. This message it drops into the midst of the program mers, like a seagull making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with @@ -2894,18 +2727,6 @@ Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. Three be the things I shall have till I die: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. % - It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself -working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he -found that he had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one -he asked, "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They -discussed Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second -new arrival came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's -IQ. The answer this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell -me, how did the Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half -an hour or so. To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the -question, "What's your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", -Einstein smiled and replied, "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" -% It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire. During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the @@ -3001,16 +2822,6 @@ for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting icepacks. - -- "Bored of the Rings", The Harvard Lampoon -% - It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east -laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The -thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, -nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying -for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. - Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating -under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting -icepacks. -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" % Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has @@ -3153,26 +2964,6 @@ plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately." -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail % - Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. -Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, -without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In -an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to -prison. - They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports -in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get -them to name their contacts in the liberation movement... Finally they're -hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced -to death. - The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll -be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have -any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in -Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to -Murray. - "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he -spits in the sergeants face. - "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." - -- Arthur Naiman -% Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret @@ -3235,22 +3026,6 @@ a girl should not do before twenty." "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large audience, either." % - n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); - n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); - n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); - n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); - n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); - --- Reverse the bits in a word. -% - n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1); - n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2); - n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4); - n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8); - n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16); - --- Count the bits in a word. -% Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many @@ -3475,29 +3250,6 @@ Our true work is this voyage, this adventure. rocks, making legends of a Saviour. -- Richard Bach % - Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a -great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to -the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of -life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But -one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is -going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I -shall die of boredom." - The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that -current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the -rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!" - But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, -and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. -Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current -lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. - And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, -"See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the -Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current -said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us -free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this -adventure. - But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to -the rocks, making legends of a Saviour. -% Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day, in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make @@ -3681,27 +3433,6 @@ is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there. [It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken Olsen's brain. Ed.] % - One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How -enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? - Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many -years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. -Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple -language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for -students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for -interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of -its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on -VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. - It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will -run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and -will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. - With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and -quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With -VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of -documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the -difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS -is that it's all there. - -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984 -% page 46 ...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used @@ -3949,17 +3680,6 @@ she said, "that one can't help growing older." proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass" % - "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated -thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY -advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." - "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. - "Too proud?" the other enquired. - Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," -she said, "that one can't help growing older." - "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With -proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." - -- Lewis Carroll -% Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime. The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm... Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all @@ -4337,47 +4057,6 @@ shot the horse between the eyes. married! You're a sadist, that's what!" The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said. % - THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE - -SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language -Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for -Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code -with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, -END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make -a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus -they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without -the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. -% - THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP - -This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of -an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said -to be useful in protheththing lithtth. -% - THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL - -SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. -Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they -compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the -coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom -sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to -compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but -infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. -% - THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH - -FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types -refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and -JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and -BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, -CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. - -The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and -financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include -VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH -and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers -who end up using this language. -% THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene @@ -4584,37 +4263,6 @@ through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this one and I'll go rustle us up another!" % - The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood -as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. -The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in -the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in -twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive. - - "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached -everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a -fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- -and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." - - "How?" demanded Fafhrd. - - Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." - -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar" -% - The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average -Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement -of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet -reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led the -field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well known that as -early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at Reykjavik would do to -national prestige, implemented a vigorous program of preparation and -incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of psychologists, chess -analysts and coaches met with the top three Russian grand masters and -threatened them with a pointy stick. That these tactics proved fruitless -is now a part of chess history and a further testament to the American way, -which provides that if you want something badly enough, you can always go to -Iceland and get it from the Russians. - -- Marshall Brickman, "Playboy" -% The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth to the assembler. The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand @@ -4698,21 +4346,6 @@ How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it, Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it! -- Mason Williams % - Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. - - He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the -Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an -open market. - - If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he -should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of -himself. - - Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. - Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. - Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. - -- Kehlog Albran -% Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air, it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people! @@ -4768,21 +4401,6 @@ Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is this? Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for -centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think you -can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's -forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster --- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't -even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover -why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. - -- Arthur Naiman -% - There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that -someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named -Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or -Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that -every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is -this? - Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster @@ -5275,12 +4893,6 @@ computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what it does. We call it a two-by-four." -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe" % - "What's that thing?" - "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in -computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what -it does. We call it a two-by-four." - -- "Shoe", Jeff MacNelly -% When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal" @@ -5446,14 +5058,6 @@ airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young!" "Why, what did she tell you?" - "I don't know, I didn't listen!" - -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% - "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon -airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in -deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me -when I was young!" - "Why, what did she tell you?" "I don't know, I didn't listen." -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % @@ -5484,22 +5088,6 @@ two groups?" "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their minds." % - YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF - PAPER SHUFFLING! - -Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be -a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel -really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." - -Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward -to was a dead-end job as an engineer. Now I have a promising future and -make really big Zorkmids." - -MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when -you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. - - SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! -% Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka, @@ -5881,10 +5469,6 @@ astray by hunting and pecking. -- from the Programming Pearls column, by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985 % -"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often -picturesque liar." - -- Mark Twain -% ... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers. % "... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of @@ -5905,15 +5489,6 @@ may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged. -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism" % -... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, -my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any -resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The -question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them -is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of -the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A -discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope -of this article.) -% ... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ... % "... bleakness... desolation... plastic forks..." @@ -6083,9 +5658,6 @@ legally ... impeccable! % ** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER ** % -... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling -Alley!! -% -- Neophyte's serendipity. -- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. @@ -6422,14 +5994,6 @@ The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen % 1 bulls, 3 cows. % -1) Everything depends. -2) Nothing is always. -3) Everything is sometimes. -% -1) Never draw what you can copy. -2) Never copy what you can trace. -3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. -% 1. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait). 3. Always take back everything if you possibly can. @@ -6667,14 +6231,6 @@ Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark... Redwood Forest. % 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) - The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National - Redwood Forest. - -7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) - The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the - Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. -% -7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. % @@ -6952,10 +6508,6 @@ A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. % A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity. % -A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody -wants to read. - -- Mark Twain -% A classic is something that everyone wants to have read and nobody wants to read. -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature" @@ -7480,10 +7032,6 @@ A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on. % A gift of a flower will soon be made to you. % -A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely a coincidence. A girl and -a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another coincidence. But -when a girl gives a boy a dead squid, *that had to mean SOMETHING!* -% A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *____that ___had __to ____mean _________something*. @@ -7742,8 +7290,6 @@ Z is for zcat, which handles compression. % A joint is just tea for two. % -A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. -% A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam. % A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. @@ -7757,10 +7303,6 @@ Earthen vessels Simply handed in through the window. There is certainly no blame in this. % -A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide -who has the better lawyer. - -- Robert Frost -% A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. -- Robert Frost % @@ -7847,19 +7389,12 @@ A Law of Computer Programming: Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you will find that programmers cannot write in English. % -A Law of Computer Programming: - Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you -will find the programmers cannot write in English. -% A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel. -- Robert Frost % A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment. -- Willis Player % -A liberal is someone too poor to be a -capitalist, and too rich to be a communist. -% A lie in time saves nine. % A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of @@ -7882,9 +7417,6 @@ Into space that is quite economical. So seldom are clean, And the clean ones so seldom are comical. % -A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of -nothing. -% A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing. -- Alan Perlis @@ -7900,9 +7432,6 @@ A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation. A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. -- H. H. Munro, "Saki" % -A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. - -- H. H. Munroe -% A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the @@ -7932,10 +7461,6 @@ A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price. % -A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in -his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and -exceptional ability in that particular field." -% A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never. % A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. @@ -8319,9 +7844,6 @@ A musician, an artist, an architect: A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes. -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy" % -A narcissist is anyone better-looking than you. - -- Gore Vidal -% A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. -- Gore Vidal % @@ -8375,10 +7897,6 @@ small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment. -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861 % -A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies -insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the -right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. -% A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion. % @@ -8426,17 +7944,6 @@ A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms. -- Phyllis Schlafly % -A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs, -documents or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him -one of the bests programmer in the world. Why is this?" - The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has -gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system -crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the -need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. -He has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect -within themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, -he has entered the mystery of Tao." -% A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question. "Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked. @@ -8471,8 +7978,6 @@ brightly lit corner. A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on. -- William S. Burroughs % -A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. -% A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. -- Gloria Steinem % @@ -8507,8 +8012,6 @@ A person forgives only when they are in the wrong. % A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry. % -A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry. -% A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely called a liberal. % @@ -8619,24 +8122,6 @@ Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies." % A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? - And the Master answered: - It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. -It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. - - It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City -to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns -have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. - - And that is Fate? said the priest. - - Fate... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. - - That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know -what Freight was too. - -- Kehlog Albran -% -A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? - And he answered: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. @@ -8788,9 +8273,6 @@ A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to. A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works. % -A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and -the real reason. -% A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration @@ -8941,8 +8423,6 @@ submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to is to substitute moral outrage for analysis. -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love" % -A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. -% A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard. -- Prof. Steiner % @@ -8989,10 +8469,6 @@ A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger. % A soft drink turneth away company. % -A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg -that looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. - -- Mark Twain -% A song in time is worth a dime. % A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the @@ -9061,10 +8537,6 @@ A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by its author. -- S. C. Johnson % -A successful tool is one that was used to do something -undreamed of by its author. - -- S. C. Johnson -% A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. -- Burt Bacharach @@ -9138,10 +8610,6 @@ A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything -but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. % @@ -9491,10 +8959,6 @@ Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else. % Absence makes the heart grow frantic. % -ABSENT: - Exposed to the attacks of friends and - acquaintances; defamed; slandered. -% Absent, adj.: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered. @@ -9619,9 +9083,6 @@ and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms and a void. -- Democritus, 400 B.C. % -According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least -once a year. -% According to my best recollection, I don't remember. -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo % @@ -9647,19 +9108,12 @@ Acid -- better living through chemistry. % Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality. % -Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality. -% Acquaintance, n: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous. -- Ambrose Bierce % -Acquaintance, n.: - A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well -enough to lend to. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. % Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh @@ -9718,11 +9172,6 @@ ADA: an ADA awareness. -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 % -ADA, n.: - Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in -Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA -awareness." -% Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.] -- Ovid @@ -9836,11 +9285,6 @@ especially that which is prohibited. After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life more advanced than the lichen family. - -- Dave Barry -% -After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. -It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life -more advanced than the lichen family. -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" % After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. @@ -9907,18 +9351,6 @@ watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact that it sinks like a stone. -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" % -After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from -Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, -and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon -to be created." - "This is true," He replied. - "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. - "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the -right to make his laws?" - "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make -his own." - It was so granted. -% After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his @@ -10197,10 +9629,6 @@ Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them keeps paying for it. -- Peggy Joyce % -Alimony is a system by which, when two people -make a mistake, one of them continues to pay for it. - -- Peggy Joyce -% Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. -- Arthur Baer % @@ -10221,8 +9649,6 @@ All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire. All art is but imitation of nature. -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca % -All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. -% All bad precedents began as justifiable measures. -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of Catiline", by Sallust @@ -10427,13 +9853,6 @@ All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism to live beyond its income. -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" % -All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of -every organism to live beyond its income. - -- Samuel Butler -% -All science is either physics or stamp collecting. - -- E. Rutherford -% All science is either physics or stamp collecting. -- Ernest Rutherford % @@ -10460,14 +9879,6 @@ Renewed shall be blade that was broken, The crownless again shall be king. -- J. R. R. Tolkien % -All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, -provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe -to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct -the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief -Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you -going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?" - -- Dave Barry -% All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you @@ -10542,16 +9953,11 @@ and all theoretical chemists know it. % All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door. % -All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door. -% All things being equal, you are bound to lose. % All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed. -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" % -All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for -fun. Money's just the way we keep score. -% All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score. -- Henry Tyroon @@ -10587,12 +9993,6 @@ informing, stimulating and ennobling. Allen's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions. % -Alliance, n: - In international politics, the union of two thieves who - have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket - that they cannot safely plunder a third. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot @@ -10769,12 +10169,6 @@ name to "America". % America works less, when you say "Union Yes!" % -American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees -be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who -are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room -and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors. - -- Dave Barry -% American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference @@ -10929,13 +10323,6 @@ this pure young man must be!" [The subject of the humour is of course, Oscar Wilde] % An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree -murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuff his lover's -mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. -Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the -suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a -murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." -% -An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the @@ -11109,16 +10496,6 @@ by the corresponding row and column labels. An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest. -- Benjamin Franklin % -An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity -in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. - "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if -you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like -an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an -hour seems like a minute." - The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a -moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" - -- Arthur Naiman -% An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors @@ -11151,9 +10528,6 @@ An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest. % "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge." % -Anarchy may not be a better form of government, -but it's better than no government at all. -% Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at all. % @@ -11246,9 +10620,6 @@ Going thru all of these things twice % And I alone am returned to wag the tail. % -And I heard Jeff exclaim, as they strolled out of sight, -"Merry Christmas to all -- you take credit cards, right?" -% And I heard Jeff exclaim, As they strolled out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all -- @@ -11501,12 +10872,6 @@ Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. Another megabytes the dust. % Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but -television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and -world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers -whiter teeth *and* fresher breath. - -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly" -% -Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath. @@ -11657,11 +11022,6 @@ Any program which runs right is obsolete. % Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used. % -Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain -just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you -cannot see the mountain. - -- Bene Gesserit proverb -% Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain. @@ -11711,18 +11071,12 @@ and in the right way -- that is not easy. -- Aristotle % Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is -supposed to be doing. -% -Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment. -- Robert Benchley % Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. -- Publilius Syrus % -Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. - -- Publius Syrus -% Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with none. % @@ -11740,11 +11094,6 @@ is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not make messes in the house. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" % -Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. -At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, -bathe and not make messes in the house. - -- Lazarus Long -% Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat. -- R. Heinlein % @@ -11772,10 +11121,6 @@ Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % -Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President -should on no account be allowed to do the job. - -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy -% Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people. @@ -11817,8 +11162,6 @@ undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth. % Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. % -Anytime things appear to be going better, you've overlooked something. -% Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around -- nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy @@ -11851,10 +11194,6 @@ future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation of coding bums. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 % -APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of -the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of -coding bums. -% APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming; ...and is best for educational purposes. -- A. Perlis @@ -12058,8 +11397,6 @@ Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone in good society holds exactly the same opinion. -- Oscar Wilde % -Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. -% "Arguments with furniture are rarely productive." -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" % @@ -12178,12 +11515,6 @@ Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. % As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are -interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick perverted -disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, "that you make -jokes about setting fire to a goat?" - -- Dave Barry -% -As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, "that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ... @@ -12216,10 +11547,6 @@ the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off. -- Joseph Brodsky % -As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; -and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. - -- Einstein -% As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. -- Albert Einstein @@ -12332,11 +11659,6 @@ As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions" % -As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its -fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be -popular. - -- Oscar Wilde -% As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly useful and interesting, I just had to share it. @@ -12435,11 +11757,6 @@ a process that traditionally requires some debugging. -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service conversion to a new computer system. % -"As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 -programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging." - -- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new - computer system. -% As some day it may happen that a victim must be found I've got a little list -- I've got a little list Of society offenders who might well be underground @@ -12453,13 +11770,6 @@ part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs. -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949 % -As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it -wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had -to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized -that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in -finding mistakes in my own programs. - -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949 -% As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. -- Woody Allen @@ -12546,9 +11856,6 @@ Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if one went to Harvard). -- Edgar R. Fiedler % -Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the -Station-to-Station rate. -% Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station rate. -- Howard Kandel @@ -12791,8 +12098,6 @@ They're a dime a dozen. Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight. % Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. -% -Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" % Avoid reality at all costs. @@ -12963,8 +12268,6 @@ Basic Definitions of Science: If it doesn't work, it's physics. % Basic is a high level languish. -% -Basic is a high level languish. APL is a high level anguish. % "BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'." @@ -13312,21 +12615,6 @@ Bershere's Formula for Failure: listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody. % Besides the device, the box should contain: - * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" - * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two - club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. - -YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable. - -IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse -and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get -all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major -transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why." - -WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. - -- Dave Barry -% -Besides the device, the box should contain: * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" @@ -13472,10 +12760,6 @@ Beware of Bigfoot! tried it." -- Donald Knuth % -Beware of bugs in the above code; -I have only proved it correct, not tried it. - -- D. Knuth -% Beware of computerized fortune-tellers! % Beware of friends who are false and deceitful. @@ -13501,12 +12785,6 @@ shoot at tax collectors -- and miss. % Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question. % -"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds -himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous -resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their -ignorance the hard way." - -- Vonnegut -% "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by @@ -13575,10 +12853,6 @@ nightgowns do with keeping warm. % Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues. % -birth, n: - The first and direst of all disasters. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% Birth, n.: The first and direst of all disasters. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" @@ -13653,8 +12927,6 @@ get the better even of their blunders. % Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. % -Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt. -% Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. -- Herbert Hoover % @@ -13747,10 +13019,6 @@ Bore, n.: A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. -- Walter Winchell % -Bore, n: - A person who talks when you wish him to listen. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" @@ -13838,12 +13106,6 @@ like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time, which is all the time. -- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head" % -Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the unique: -an actually rather serious technical book which is not only (gasp) vehemently -anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend to think of it as -`Constructive Snottiness.' - -- Mike Padlipsky, "Elements of Networking Style" -% Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only (gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend @@ -13860,10 +13122,6 @@ Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?" % -Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no -wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred. - -- The Mahabharata -% Brain fried -- core dumped % brain, n: @@ -13928,9 +13186,6 @@ But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion." % Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience. % -bride, n: - A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. -% Bride, n.: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" @@ -14069,16 +13324,9 @@ Bugs, pl. n.: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls. % -Build a system that even a fool can use -and only a fool will want to use it. -% Building translators is good clean fun. -- T. Cheatham % -Bullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit. -General: What does that make YOU? -Bullwinkle: What else? An executive. -% BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit." GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" @@ -14143,17 +13391,6 @@ and minimum of rules. You keep score with money. Business will be either better or worse. -- Calvin Coolidge % -...but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be -proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge -to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women -were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still -unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and -in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than -the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If -there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute -of value. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer! % "But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations @@ -14319,14 +13556,6 @@ By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be wide apart. -- Confucius % -"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, -it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to -invent. (R. Emerson)" - -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program - (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") - [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to - misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"] -% By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to invent. @@ -14378,16 +13607,6 @@ wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted to be. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % -Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to -point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very -fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are -often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people -from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B -that so many people from point B are so keen to get there. They often -wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell -they wanted to be. - -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy -% BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then carefully print the chaff. % @@ -14413,11 +13632,6 @@ C, n: it isn't. -- Ray Simard % -cabbage, n: - A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as - a man's head. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% Cabbage, n.: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. @@ -14430,9 +13644,6 @@ Cache: A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one is supposed to know is there. % -Cahn's Axiom: - When all else fails, read the instructions. -% California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. -- Fred Allen % @@ -14464,8 +13675,6 @@ Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept." Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people! -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" % -Calm down, it's *only* ones and zeroes. -% Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes, Calm down, it's only bits and bytes, Calm down, and speak to me in English, @@ -14501,12 +13710,6 @@ Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price. -- Robert J. Ringer % -Canada Bill Jone's Motto: - It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. - -Supplement: - A .44 magnum beats four aces. -% Canada Bill Jones's Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. @@ -14576,12 +13779,6 @@ CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as they tend to take root and become trees. % -CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do -much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any -importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as -they take root and become trees. -% Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. @@ -14610,12 +13807,6 @@ dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" % -carperpetuation, n: - The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen - times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting - it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% Carson's Consolation: Nothing is ever a complete failure. It can always be used as a bad example. @@ -14646,9 +13837,6 @@ a sled through the snow. % Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind. % -Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education. - -- Mark Twain -% Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson" % @@ -14709,14 +13897,6 @@ Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic performance actually increases beyond previous levels. % Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. -Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you... something -Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out - of it? -Jaka: Oooh. -Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? - -- Cerebus, #6, "The Secret" -% -Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out of it? @@ -15057,15 +14237,11 @@ Clay's Conclusion: Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. -- Phyllis Diller - +% There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse. -- Quentin Crisp % -Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like -shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. - -- Phyllis Diller -% Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. -- P. J. O'Rourke % @@ -15182,8 +14358,6 @@ COBOL is for morons. % Cobol programmers are down in the dumps. % -COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. -% Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan. % Code rot -- mostly caused by people redefining "fresh". @@ -15193,10 +14367,6 @@ Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead. % Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- -I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % @@ -15218,10 +14388,6 @@ going on. Coincidences are spiritual puns. -- G. K. Chesterton % -COLD: - When the politicians walk around - with their hands in their own pockets. -% Cold, adj.: When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. % @@ -15310,22 +14476,6 @@ Their indices bedecked from one to _n, Commingled in an endless Markov chain! -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" % -Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, -Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, -Their indices bedecked from one to n, -Commingled in an endless Markov chain! - -Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, -And every vector dreams of matrices. -Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: -It whispers of a more ergodic zone. - -In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space -Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. -Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, -We shall encounter, counting, face to face. - -- The Cyberiad -% Come live with me, and be my love, And we will some new pleasures prove Of golden sands, and crystal brooks, @@ -15428,12 +14578,6 @@ different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. -- Josh Billings % -Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. - -- Josh Billings - -Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. - -- Albert Einstein -% Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. -- Albert Einstein % @@ -15505,9 +14649,6 @@ COMPUTER SCIENCE: 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light. 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory. % -Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems -theory. -% Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra @@ -15603,19 +14744,6 @@ Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system. If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't hesitate to ask! % -Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would -give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you -undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. -Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL -CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T -YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH -THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH -SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS -CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING -TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES -RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? - -- Dave Barry -% Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer @@ -15681,9 +14809,6 @@ Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts when everything else feels great. % -Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking - -- H. L. Mencken -% Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. -- H. L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy" % @@ -15765,10 +14890,6 @@ seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom. if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" % -"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and -if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" - -- Lewis Carroll -% "Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat." % @@ -15797,11 +14918,6 @@ COPYING MACHINE: and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't interested in reading them. % -Coronation, n: - The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible - signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% Coronation, n.: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite @@ -15811,13 +14927,6 @@ bomb. Correction does much, but encouragement does more. -- Goethe % -Correspondence Corollary: - An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half - your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory. -% -CORRUPT: - In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. -% Corrupt, adj.: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. % @@ -15826,10 +14935,6 @@ of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of capitalism. -- Walter Lippmann % -Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job -is to enforce the law and fight crime. - -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan -% Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job is to enforce the law and fight crime. -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan @@ -16015,12 +15120,6 @@ business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation." CYNIC: Experienced. % -Cynic, n: - A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, - not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the - Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% Cynic, n.: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking @@ -16275,10 +15374,6 @@ prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by mistake, and you came to school here by mistake. % Dear Lord: - I just want a one-armed manager so I - never have to hear "On the other hand", again. -% -Dear Lord: I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On the other hand", again. % @@ -16320,20 +15415,6 @@ attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection before making your attack. % -Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part of -this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be -watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for -a children's compressed breakfast compound such as "Froot Loops" or "Lucky -Charms", and they always show it sitting on a table next to some actual food -such as eggs, and the announcer always says: "Part of this complete -breakfast". Doesn't that really mean, "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", -or "On the same table as this complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make -essentially the same claim if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of -shaving cream there, or a dead bat? - -Answer: Yes. - -- Dave Barry -% Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a @@ -16393,10 +15474,6 @@ employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry. Sevenoaks -- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London % -DEATH: - To stop sinning suddenly. - -- Elbert Hubbard -% Death before dishonor. But neither before breakfast. % @@ -16488,13 +15565,6 @@ come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear. Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat. -- Bill Musselman % -#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) -#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ - - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ - - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) - --- Count the number of bits in a word. -% #define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) #define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ @@ -16808,8 +15878,6 @@ set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file. % Did you know that clones never use mirrors? -% -Did you know that clones never use mirrors? -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's? @@ -16872,9 +15940,6 @@ Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. % -Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. -Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. -% Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. % Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite): @@ -16895,16 +15960,12 @@ Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon. -- Sir Humphrey Appleby % -Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way. -% Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way. -- Daniele Vare % Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock. -- Wynn Catlin % -Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. -% Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way. -- Balfour % @@ -17040,15 +16101,10 @@ Do not seek death; death will find you. But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment. -- Dag Hammarskjold % -Do not simplify the design of a program if a way -can be found to make it complex and wonderful. -% Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. % Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch. % -Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive. -% Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. % Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- @@ -17078,8 +16134,6 @@ Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work? % Do unto others before they undo you. % -Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. -% Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. % Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. @@ -17126,9 +16180,6 @@ Do you mean that you not only want a wrong answer, but a certain wrong answer? -- Tobaben % -Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take -the time to take the dirt out of them? -% Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing between Nixon and the White House. -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960 @@ -17155,11 +16206,6 @@ just whipped out a quarter? "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!" -- Calvin and Hobbs % -"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" -"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" -"I've never done anything illegal before." -"I thought you said you were an accountant!" -% Do you think your mother and I should have lived comfortably so long together if ever we had been married? % @@ -17210,18 +16256,6 @@ Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park. % Doing gets it done. % -Domestic happiness and faithful friends. -% -Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she - pretty? -W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of - bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to - sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. -Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. -W. C.: It's almost impossible. - -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson - E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" -% Don Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she pretty? @@ -17249,9 +16283,6 @@ I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love. Don't be humble, you're not that great. -- Golda Meir % -Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't -be replaced, you cannot be promoted. -% Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. % Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted. @@ -17370,12 +16401,8 @@ you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow... % Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. % -Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone. -% Don't let your status become too quo! % -Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. -% Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you. % Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you. @@ -17399,9 +16426,6 @@ Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that. Don't plan any hasty moves. You'll be evicted soon anyway. % -Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy -it today you can do it again tomorrow. -% Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow. % @@ -17558,11 +16582,6 @@ Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"] % -Double-Blind Experiment, n.: - An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is -fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a -belief in the tooth fairy. -% double-blind Experiment, n: An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied @@ -17595,8 +16614,6 @@ Hustling the senoritas, While they dance beneath the stars. -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics" % -Down with categorical imperative! -% Down with the categorical imperative! % Dow's Law: @@ -17712,13 +16729,6 @@ yourself as part of the problem. Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. % -Ducharme's Precept: - Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. - -Ducharme's Axiom: - If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize - yourself as part of the problem. -% Duckies are fun! % Ducks? What ducks?? @@ -17747,10 +16757,6 @@ in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution. During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o % -During the next two hours, the VAX will be going up and down -several times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~ -{o[po ~poodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o -% During the Reagan-Mondale debates: Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to @@ -17770,10 +16776,6 @@ Duty, n: What one expects from others. -- Oscar Wilde % -"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have -nothing whatever to do with it." - -- W. Somerset Maugham -% Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it. -- W. Somerset Maughm, his last words @@ -17869,9 +16871,6 @@ Earth is a beta site. "Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun." -- Jeff Berner % -Earth is a great funhouse without the fun. - -- Jeff Berner -% Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of @@ -17879,12 +16878,6 @@ the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved. -- Steve Rubenstein % -Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black. - -Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of -side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath --- black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved. -% Easy come and easy go, some call me easy money, Sometimes life is full of laughs, @@ -17904,9 +16897,6 @@ Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet. % "Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work." % -Eat one live frog the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will -happen to either of you for the rest of the day. -% Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. @@ -17976,9 +16966,6 @@ royal-blue chickens. Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak! -- Bullwinkle Moose % -Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, -The spirits are about to speak... -% Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. -- Adlai Stevenson % @@ -18040,18 +17027,6 @@ ELBONICS: -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends % Eleanor Rigby - Sits at the keyboard - And waits for a line on the screen -Lives in a dream -Waits for a signal - Finding some code - That will make the machine do some more. -What is it for? - -All the lonely users, where do they all come from? -All the lonely users, why does it take so long? -% -Eleanor Rigby Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen Lives in a dream Waits for a signal, finding some code that will @@ -18228,11 +17203,6 @@ Error in operator: add beer % Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; -Und aller-mumsige Burggoven - Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben. -% -Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven - Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben. -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" @@ -18337,9 +17307,6 @@ Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" % Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United -States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day. -% -Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a day. % @@ -18459,9 +17426,6 @@ Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain the last but one. -- Adolph Hitler % -Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. -Our problem is to find this woman and stop her. -% Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. % Every cloud engenders not a storm. @@ -18501,15 +17465,6 @@ of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron. -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 % -Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired -signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not -fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not -spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the -genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not -a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it -is humanity hanging on a cross of iron. - -- Dwight Eisenhower, 1953 -% Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in @@ -18623,9 +17578,6 @@ can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't. % -Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and -another for which it wasn't. -% Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. % Every silver lining has a cloud around it. @@ -18749,17 +17701,6 @@ one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely different way ... -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" % -Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic -formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the -scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact -wholly unconcerned with what DOES exist. Indeed, the banality of -existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us -to discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking -the problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: -the mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were -all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely -different way... -% Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it. % Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes @@ -18813,8 +17754,6 @@ Everything new stalls because there is precedence for the old. % Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. % -Everything should be built top-down, except this time. -% Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. -- Albert Einstein % @@ -18886,8 +17825,6 @@ Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing. -- Albert Schweitzer % -Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler. -% Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike the office water cooler. % @@ -18953,13 +17890,6 @@ Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens to you. -- Aldous Huxley % -Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. - -- Olivier -% -Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake -when you make it again. - -- F. P. Jones -% Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- Franklin Jones @@ -18972,8 +17902,6 @@ to make new mistakes instead of old ones. % Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. % -Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. -% Experience, n: Something you don't get until just after you need it. -- Olivier @@ -18982,8 +17910,6 @@ Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye, particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something. -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing" % -Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. -% Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way. % Expert, n.: @@ -19155,15 +18081,6 @@ Famous, adj.: Famous last words: % Famous last words: - (1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. - (2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. - (3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- - (4) We won't need reservations. - (5) It's always sunny there this time of the year. - (6) Don't worry, it's not loaded. - (7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. -% -Famous last words: 1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. 2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. 3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog... @@ -19260,8 +18177,6 @@ Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally disadvantaged. % -Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ... -% Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions, right here! % @@ -19474,15 +18389,6 @@ First law of debate: % First Law of Procrastination: Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility - for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who - imposed the deadline). - -Fifth Law of Procrastination: - Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that - there is nothing important to do. -% -First Law of Procrastination: - Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline). % @@ -19638,20 +18544,6 @@ catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ... -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations" % -flowchart, n. & v. - [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart - "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] - 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni - construction problems in which given algorithms require geometrical - representation using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI - template. 2. n. Neronic doodling while the system burns. - 3. n. A low-cost substitute for wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate - misleading the illiterate. "A thousand pictures is worth ten lines - of code." --The Programmer's Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. - 5. v.intrans. To produce flowcharts with no particular object in mind. - 6. v.trans. To obfuscate (a problem) with esoteric cartoons. - -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" -% flowchart, n. & v.: [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] @@ -19798,11 +18690,6 @@ For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas! but with break of day I went to make supplication. -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D. % -For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in -despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the -implacable grandeur of this life. - -- Albert Camus -% For knighthood is not in the feats of war, As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong, But in a cause which truth cannot defer: @@ -20031,26 +18918,6 @@ inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 % -FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is -hopelessly inadequate for whatever computer application you have in -mind today: it is now too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use. - -PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than -the solution set. - -It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students -that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they -are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration. - -The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be -regarded as a criminal offense. - -APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of -the future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a -new generation of coding bums. - -Edsger Dijkstra's Evaluations of Programming Languages (c. 1982) -% [FORTRAN] will persist for some time -- probably for at least the next decade. -- T. Cheatham @@ -21054,9 +19921,6 @@ Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other. -- Honore DeBalzac % -Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, -your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. -% Frisbeetarianism, n.: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. @@ -21139,10 +20003,6 @@ being nuts (unground)." % From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. - -- Groucho Marx -% -From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was -convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults" % [From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made @@ -21228,11 +20088,6 @@ Function reject. % Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything. % -furbling, v: - Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank - even when you are the only person in line. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% Furbling, v.: Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line. @@ -21273,26 +20128,6 @@ Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! -- Adventures of Asterix % -Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". - -Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the -harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: - "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." -Obvious, isn't it? - Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start -speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as -long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all -your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and -so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed -individuals and then grow.... - Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those -signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when -everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on -the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs -backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? -I think not, my friend, I think not. - -- Arthur Naiman -% Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound @@ -21583,9 +20418,6 @@ Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me. I lift my disk beside the processor. -- Inscription on a Word Processor % -Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to -a new town. -% Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town. % @@ -21725,9 +20557,6 @@ but many other things ceased as well. Woman was God's second mistake. -- Nietzsche % -God did not create the world in 7 days; He screwed -around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter. -% God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six days and then pulled an all-nighter. % @@ -21738,14 +20567,6 @@ God gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as we speak. -- Arab proverb % -God gives burdens; also shoulders. - - Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech -at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish -saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth -though; why would he lie about a thing like that? - -- Arthur Naiman -% "God gives burdens; also shoulders" Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the @@ -21795,13 +20616,6 @@ Nietzsche is Dead. Nietzsche is God. -- Dead % -God is Dead - -- Nietzsche -Nietzsche is Dead - -- God -Nietzsche is God - -- The Dead -% God is dead and I don't feel all too well either.... -- Ralph Moonen % @@ -21871,26 +20685,6 @@ You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way. (chorus) -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen % -God rest ye CS students now, -Let nothing you dismay. -The VAX is down and won't be up, -Until the first of May. -The program that was due this morn, -Won't be postponed, they say. - - Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, - Comfort and joy, - Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. - -The bearings on the drum are gone, -The disk is wobbling, too. -We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol -Can't tell false from true. -And now we find that we can't get -At Berkeley's 4.2. - - (chorus) -% God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. -- William Bragg @@ -22087,9 +20881,6 @@ Ain't nobody likes to be alone. -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart" % Got Mole problems? -Call Avogadro 6.02 x 10^23 -% -Got Mole problems? Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23. % Goto, n.: @@ -22116,11 +20907,6 @@ more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't know much. -- The Best of Will Rogers % -Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know -any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he -doesn't know much. - -- Will Rogers -% Government's Law: There is an exception to all laws. % @@ -22145,9 +20931,6 @@ he exclaimed: % Grandpa Charnock's Law: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. -% -Grandpa Charnock's Law: - You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.] % @@ -22305,12 +21088,6 @@ GURMLISH: the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth. -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends % -gurmlish, n.: - The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which - prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof - of his mouth. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% Gurmlish, n.: The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his @@ -22351,13 +21128,6 @@ H. L. Mencken's Law: Martin's Extension: Those who cannot teach -- administrate. -% -H. L. Mencken's Law: - Those who can -- do. - Those who can't -- teach. - -Martin's Extension: - Those who cannot teach -- administrate. [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.] % @@ -22443,10 +21213,6 @@ Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed. % Hail to the sun god -He sure is a fun god -Ra! Ra! Ra! -% -Hail to the sun god He's such a fun god Ra! Ra! Ra! % @@ -22516,10 +21282,6 @@ Hall's Laws of Politics: military spending, and conservatives social spending in their own districts). % -hand, n: - A singular instrument worn at the end of a human - arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. -% Hand, n.: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. @@ -22572,10 +21334,6 @@ Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. % Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length. % -happiness, n: - An agreeable sensation arising - from contemplating the misery of another. -% Happiness, n.: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. @@ -22595,23 +21353,11 @@ hard, adj: Hard reality has a way of cramping your style. -- Daniel Dennett % -Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances? -% Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance? % Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? -- Charlie McCarthy % -Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You are Yin -and I am Yang. If we travel together we will become famous and earn vast -sums of money." And so the set forth together, thinking to conquer the world. - Presently they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rage and -hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao -lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does -not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune, -for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time." - Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. -% hardware, n: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. % @@ -22619,24 +21365,12 @@ Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark The Duke is fond of kittens He likes to take their insides out And use them for his mittens - -- The Thirteen Clocks -% -Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark -The Duke is fond of kittens -He likes to take their insides out -And use them for his mittens From "The Thirteen Clocks" % Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, Advertising wondrous things. -- Tom Lehrer % -Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, -Advertising wondrous things. - -Angels we have heard on High -Tell us to go out and Buy. -% Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want. -- Tobias Smollet @@ -22696,16 +21430,6 @@ was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years, you know." % -Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us -all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for -its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs -romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any -wild horses in person. In person, they are like enormous hooved rats. They -amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses. -We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. -We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon." - -- Dave Barry -% Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses @@ -22726,9 +21450,6 @@ Hartley's First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something. % -Hartley's Second Law: - Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. -% HARTLEY'S SECOND LAW: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. @@ -22770,21 +21491,6 @@ Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter? "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..." -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington % -"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" -"Yes, I don't have one." -"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..." - -- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372 -% -Has anyone realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is to -defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a -non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? - Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This -still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or only -serves to blunt the warning signs. - - Long live the revolution! - Have a nice day. -% Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands. @@ -22817,9 +21523,6 @@ Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax. -- Mike Royko % -hatred, n: - A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. -% Hatred, n.: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. @@ -23138,8 +21841,6 @@ He that teaches himself has a fool for a master. % He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself. % -He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. -% He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived. -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" % @@ -23381,11 +22082,6 @@ on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning. -- Dr. John Lightfoot, Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University % -heaven, n: - A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of - their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while - you expound your own. -% Heaven, n.: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you @@ -23422,9 +22118,6 @@ hell, n: % Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists. -% -Heller's Law: - The first myth of management is that it exists. Johnson's Corollary: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the @@ -23472,9 +22165,6 @@ Help stamp out and abolish redundancy! % Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants! % -Hempstone's Question: - If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class? -% Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or @@ -23539,20 +22229,6 @@ But you are a man, and see only my pan, -- Dorothy Parker % Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical -lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your -hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you -notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This -teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never -use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson. - It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed -your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects -that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt. -The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, -where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels -down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit. - -- Dave Barry -% -Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in @@ -23719,19 +22395,6 @@ Sir, how may I ask you a question? Sir, may I ask nine questions? (go right ahead...) % -Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As -you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal -height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have -a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you probably have the -makings of an excellent legal case. Although of course every case is -different, I would definitely say that based on my experience and training, -there's no reason why you shouldn't come out of this thing with at least a -cabin cruiser. - -Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our -motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.' - -- Dave Barry -% "Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. @@ -23830,13 +22493,6 @@ Hindsight is always 20:20. % Hindsight is an exact science. % -hippogriff, n: - An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. - The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half - eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter - eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. - The study of zoology is full of surprises. -% Hippogriff, n.: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. @@ -23920,13 +22576,6 @@ History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians). History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on. -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" % -History, n.: - Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we -learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from -what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long -view. - -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" -% History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. % History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second @@ -24082,11 +22731,6 @@ Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." % Honk if you love peace and quiet. % -honorable, adj: - Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative - bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; - as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." -% Honorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the @@ -24123,8 +22767,6 @@ Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. -- W.C. Fields % -Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. -% HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N) % HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP... @@ -24246,16 +22888,6 @@ How cheerfully he seems to grin, How neatly spreads his claws, And welcomes little fishes in, With gently smiling jaws! -% -How doth the little crocodile - Improve his shining tail, -And pour the waters of the Nile - On every golden scale! - -How cheerfully he seems to grin, - How neatly spreads his claws, -And welcomes little fishes in, - With gently smiling jaws! -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" % How doth the VAX's C-compiler @@ -24268,24 +22900,12 @@ How patiently it seems to run While users, with frustration, all Tear their clothes to rags. % -How doth the VAX's C-compiler -Improve its object code. -And even as we speak does it -Increase the system load. - -How patiently it seems to run -And spit out error flags, -While users, with frustration, all -Tear all their clothes to rags. -% How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to journalists, and they believe what they read. -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms" % How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them. % -How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. -% How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to? -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero % @@ -24298,15 +22918,6 @@ None: "We'll document it in the manual." How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "The user can work it out." % -How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by -a waiter at a nice party? - Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors -d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's -inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say: "This is -cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and -bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another cheese!" and so on. - -- Dave Barry -% "How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by a waiter at a nice party?" @@ -24322,9 +22933,6 @@ How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass? % How many weeks are there in a light year? % -How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton? - -- UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey, Brian Boyle -% How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton? -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey @@ -24431,14 +23039,6 @@ a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize. % -Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in -1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an -operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a urethral -catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of -his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took -the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the -Nobel Prize. -% Human kind cannot bear very much reality. -- T. S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton" % @@ -24508,10 +23108,6 @@ V: output. -- Norman Augustine % -I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. -There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work. - -- Gallagher -% I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence @@ -24606,18 +23202,6 @@ limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice. I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else. -- Winston Churchill % -I am changing my name to Chrysler -I am going down to Washington, D.C. -I will tell some power broker - What they did for Iacocca -Will be perfectly acceptable to me! - -I am changing my name to Chrysler, -I am heading for that great receiving line. -When they hand a million grand out, - I'll be standing with my hand out, -Yessir, I'll get mine! -% "I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products. This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's @@ -24643,13 +23227,6 @@ I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators. -- Steven Wright % -I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of -pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you -that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic -globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I -can't help it. I was born sneering. - -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado" -% "I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial @@ -24702,10 +23279,6 @@ I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. -- Winston Churchill % -"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone -has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." - -- English Professor, Ohio University -% I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University @@ -25050,14 +23623,6 @@ I do desire we may be better strangers. I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one. % I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an -exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to minds -entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary accountants fail -to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a mind like mine to -perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the bottom up, and then again -from the top down, the result is always different. - -- Mrs. La Touche -% -I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a @@ -25245,9 +23810,6 @@ I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters. -- Richard Nixon, 1972 % -"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other -hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out." -% "I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down to the sea and drown yourselves." @@ -25363,11 +23925,6 @@ I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise. -- Chauncey Depew % I get up each morning, gather my wits. - Pick up the paper, read the obits. -If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. - So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. -% -I get up each morning, gather my wits. Pick up the paper, read the obits. If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. @@ -25638,10 +24195,6 @@ I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark." -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" % -I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, -which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'. - -- Dave Barry -% I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot. -- George Bernard Shaw @@ -25670,10 +24223,6 @@ that I do without being commanded what others do only from fear of the law. -- Aristotle % -I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my -wife's brother. - -- Artemus Ward -% I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. -- Edgar Allan Poe % @@ -25725,9 +24274,6 @@ because I lack the time to make it shorter. % I have more hit points that you can possible imagine. % -I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole BODY! - -- Cerebus, #82 -% I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole ____BODY! -- from "Cerebus" #82 @@ -25811,9 +24357,6 @@ In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not be economized by the aid of machinery. -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher" % -I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. - -- Kehlog Albran -% "I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer." -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" % @@ -25856,10 +24399,6 @@ I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked at in the right way, did not become still more complicated. -- Poul Anderson % -I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when -you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated. - -- Poul Anderson -% I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. % I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it. @@ -26178,9 +24717,6 @@ I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they do today. -- Will Rogers % -"I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do -was to go away." -% I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they could do was to go away. % @@ -26269,14 +24805,6 @@ wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they will be happy. -- Thomas Jefferson % -I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind -of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances -being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms -of talent, on who could make an album, so we made one, and it sounds like -a group of people who have been given powerful but unfamiliar instruments -as a therapy for a degenerative nerve disease. - -- Dave Barry -% "I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no @@ -26330,12 +24858,6 @@ aspire to crudeness. I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth. -- Neil Armstrong % -I quite agree with you, said the Duchess; and the moral of that is -- 'Be -what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- 'Never -imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others -that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had -been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.' -% I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality? @@ -26481,10 +25003,6 @@ I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em. -- The Best of Will Rogers % -I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope -they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em. - -- Will Rogers -% I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. Bernoulli would have been content to die @@ -26513,35 +25031,6 @@ I said to him, and I said it plain And when I found the door was shut, "Is that all?" asked Alice. "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." % -I sent a letter to the fish, -I told them, "This is what I wish." -The little fishes of the sea, -They sent an answer back to me. -The little fishes' answer was -"We cannot do it, sir, because ..." -I sent a letter back to say -It would be better to obey. -But someone came to me and said -"The little fishes are in bed." -I said to him, and I said it plain -"Then you must wake them up again." -I said it very loud and clear, -I went and shouted in his ear. -But he was very stiff and proud, -He said "You needn't shout so loud." -And he was very proud and stiff, -He said "I'll go and wake them if ..." -I took a kettle from the shelf, -I went to wake them up myself. -But when I found the door was locked -I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked, -And when I found the door was shut, -I tried to turn the handle, But ... - - "Is that all?" asked Alice. - "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." - -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" -% I sent a message to another time, But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe, I sent a message to another plane, @@ -26582,12 +25071,6 @@ There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all. -- Robert Orben % -"I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck." - -- Graffito in Los Angeles -% -I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. - -- Los Angeles graffito -% I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries. -- George Burns @@ -26602,9 +25085,6 @@ I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability. -- Oscar Wilde % -I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. - -- Stephen Wright -% I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone. -- Stephen Wright % @@ -26629,10 +25109,6 @@ I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. -- Shirley Temple % -I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a -department store, and he asked for my autograph. - -- Shirley Temple -% I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: let the Wookiee win. -- CP30 % @@ -26738,10 +25214,6 @@ the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom. -- Rodney Dangerfield % -I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad -kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought. - -- Rodney Dangerfield -% I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check. -- Escher % @@ -26785,9 +25257,6 @@ in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. -- Monty Python % -I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. - -- Oscar Wilde -% I think that I shall never hear A poem lovelier than beer. The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap, @@ -26911,14 +25380,6 @@ I thought YOU silenced the guard! "I thought you were trying to get into shape." "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle." % -I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." -One of them said, "So will you." - -- Rodney Dangerfield -% -I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in -twenty minutes. It's about Russia. - -- Woody Allen -% I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes. It's about Russia. @@ -26999,8 +25460,6 @@ And punched me in the nose, he said, He said "You're sick, you're obscene". -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" % -I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance. -% I used to have a drinking problem. Now I love the stuff. % @@ -27054,9 +25513,6 @@ Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE HAW"!!'" -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County" % -I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St. -Elsewhere", won't scream, "Forget it, Blanche... It's time for Hee-Haw!" -% I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!! -- Zippy the Pinhead % @@ -27319,10 +25775,6 @@ I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. % -"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. -There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work." - -- Gallagher -% I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't seem to work. @@ -27596,28 +26048,16 @@ The sinners are much more fun! % I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner. % -Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box -of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. -% Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement. % Identify your visitor. % -idiot box, n: - The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place - the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% Idiot Box, n.: The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" % -idiot, n: - A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence - in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. -% Idiot, n.: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. @@ -27722,10 +26162,6 @@ If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did." % -If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, -look at him as if he had lost his senses. -When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him. -% If a system is administered wisely, its users will be content. They enjoy hacking their code @@ -27812,8 +26248,6 @@ have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little. -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional". % -If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. -% If an S and an I and an O and a U With an X at the end spell Su; And an E and a Y and an E spell I, @@ -28192,9 +26626,6 @@ I would send a barrel or so to my other generals. -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant % If I love you, what business is it of yours? - -- Goethe -% -If I love you, what business is it of yours? -- Johann van Goethe % If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I @@ -28285,10 +26716,6 @@ of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw. % If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. % -If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. -If it stinks, it's chemistry. -If it doesn't work, it's physics. -% If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. % If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. @@ -28313,16 +26740,6 @@ they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ... -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie % -"If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they -forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll -just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. -And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* -pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! -And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and -think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to -receive Net Mail ..." - -- Leith (Casey) Leedom -% If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better. -- Karl Marx's Mother @@ -28419,9 +26836,6 @@ Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. % If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. % -If only one could get that wonderful feeling of -accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. -% If only you had a personality instead of an attitude. % If only you knew she loved you, you could @@ -28669,12 +27083,6 @@ If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. % -If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, -the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. - -If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure -can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop. -% If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life. @@ -28725,8 +27133,6 @@ If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you. If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. % If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. -% -If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. It's not time yet. % If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? @@ -28749,18 +27155,12 @@ I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon. -- Lyndon B. Johnson % -If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is -doing the thinking. - -- Lyndon Baines Johnson -% If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it. -- Ernest Hemingway % If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. -- Laurence J. Peter % -If two wrongs don't make a right, try three wrongs. -% "If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely" % If voting could change the system, it would be illegal. @@ -28851,9 +27251,6 @@ If you are a police dog, where's your badge? If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. -- Anton Chekov % -If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. - -- Chekhov -% If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance. % If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real @@ -28875,11 +27272,6 @@ evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" % -If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is -sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions -speak louder than words. - -- Fran Lebowitz -% If you are over 80 years old and accompanied by your parents, we will cash your check. % @@ -28919,9 +27311,6 @@ what you have been doing, your doing was worthless. If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call. % -If you can't convince them, confuse them. - -- Harry S. Truman -% If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. % If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. @@ -29123,12 +27512,6 @@ If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior. -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press" % -If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to -boot yourself in the posterior. - -- A. J. Liebling -% -If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it. -% If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. % If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of @@ -29227,10 +27610,6 @@ If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -- Mark Twain % -If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not -bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - -- Mark Twain -% If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get ice, but no cup. @@ -29356,33 +27735,12 @@ they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ... -- Dave Barry % -If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would -be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call -you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw -another party next year. - -What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up -several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've -been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to -avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning -parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from -having another one ... - -If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless -your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas -through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure -that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting -someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ... -% If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government! -- Mr. Interesting % If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. -% -If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them -end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten" % If you took all the women at the Harvard Prom @@ -29447,11 +27805,6 @@ memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, even if they don't know what it means." -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party" % -If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some -memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' -it, even if they don't know what it means. - -- Walt Kelly -% If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal. % If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that @@ -29576,9 +27929,6 @@ ignisecond, n: door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" % -IGNORANCE: - When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out. -% Ignorance is bliss. -- Thomas Gray @@ -29602,16 +27952,6 @@ Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex, Et le m^omerade horgrave. -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" % -Il brilgue: les toves libricilleux - Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, -Enmimes sont les gougebosquex, - Et le momerade horgrave. - -Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven - Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; -Und aller-mumsige Burggoven - Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben. -% Iles's Law: There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it. @@ -29644,21 +27984,6 @@ And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove And in our bound partition never part. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" % -I'll grant thee random access to my heart, -Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; -And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove -And in our bound partition never part. - -Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? -Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, -A root or two, a torus and a node: -The inverse of my verse, a null domain. - -I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, -I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. -Bernoulli would have been content to die -Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(thi)! -% I'll learn to play the Saxophone, I play just what I feel. Drink Scotch whisky all night long, @@ -29852,9 +28177,6 @@ says a war isn't really a war without my jokes. % I'm hungry, time to eat lunch. % -I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? - -- Harold Urey -% "I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?" -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate % @@ -29873,16 +28195,6 @@ N-ary the tree, I am, I am. I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, She's traversed me seven times before. And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) -Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) -I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. -N-ary the tree I am, I am, -N-ary the tree I am. -% -I'm N-ary the tree, I am, -N-ary the tree, I am, I am. -I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, -She's traversed me seven times before. -And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. N-ary the tree I am, I am, @@ -29896,9 +28208,6 @@ I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. -- Will Rogers % -I'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens. - -- Woody Allen -% I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to match the men. -- George Eliot @@ -29986,12 +28295,6 @@ I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major-General. - -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance" -% -I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, -I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; -In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, -I am the very model of a modern Major-General. -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance" % I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life, @@ -30007,11 +28310,6 @@ Imagination is more important than knowledge. Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. -- Jules de Gaultier % -Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual -way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of -complaining. - -- Jeff Raskin -% "Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining." @@ -30056,9 +28354,6 @@ Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal. Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal. -- T. S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger" % -Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. - -- Jack Paar -% Immortality -- a fate worse than death. -- Edgar A. Shoaff % @@ -30078,11 +28373,6 @@ espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. -Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading -it. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving -from where you left them to where you can't find them. -% Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading it. @@ -30093,9 +28383,6 @@ Impossible, adj.: perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck. -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" % -In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of -stairs. -% In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles. % @@ -30163,14 +28450,6 @@ In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth" Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex. -- Frank Mankiewicz % -In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between -frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they -are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with -minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct -compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can -lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However, -this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd. -% In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man." -- Mark Twain @@ -30192,12 +28471,6 @@ In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one of the risks he takes. -- Adlai Stevenson % -In America any boy may become President, and I suppose that's just the -risk he takes. - -- Adlai Stevenson -% -In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save. -% In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the @@ -30230,9 +28503,6 @@ In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir. -- Stuart Keate % -In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own -at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. -% In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs. % IN BOX: @@ -30293,9 +28563,6 @@ In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter. In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride in any motor vehicle. % -"In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable." - -- Winston Churchill, of Montgomery -% In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery % @@ -30435,10 +28702,6 @@ In matters of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim with the current. -- Thomas Jefferson % -In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless -there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red -flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. -% In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait. -- Josi Simon % @@ -30489,10 +28752,6 @@ In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, -intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption -from the cares of office. -% In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy. % In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced @@ -30600,14 +28859,6 @@ Oh, those gallant days, When women were women, And men were really obnoxious. % -In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat -hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. "I am -training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." "Why is the -net wired randomly?", asked Minsky. "I do not want it to have any -preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes. "Why do you -close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher. "So the room will be -empty." At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. -% In the dimestores and bus stations People talk of situations Read books repeat quotations @@ -30627,18 +28878,6 @@ With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast. -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot % -In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It changes -into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this bird -moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. This -message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull making -its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with the blue -sky at its back, returns home. - -The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands it not. -The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears its message. -The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he does not know - that the bird has come and gone. -% In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man. -- Martin Mull % @@ -30881,8 +29120,6 @@ basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee. -- Carolyn Jones % -Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? -% Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? % Individualists unite! @@ -30968,12 +29205,6 @@ ingrate, n: Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. -- Martin Luther King, Jr. % -ink, n: - A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, - and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of - idiocy and promote intellectual crime. - -- H. L. Mencken -% Ink, n.: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote @@ -30999,8 +29230,6 @@ token it is the shortest detour to marriage. % Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. % -Insanity is inherited, you get it from your kids! -% Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. % @@ -31011,8 +29240,6 @@ INSECURITY: Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to the person who told it to you. % -Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. -% Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over. % Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first @@ -31311,12 +29538,6 @@ He wanted all the buffalo dead It was sad, oh so sad. -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo" % -It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown came -out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and applauded. -He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I think the world -will come to an end amid general applause from all the wits, who believe -that it is a joke. -% It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I @@ -31334,11 +29555,6 @@ thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it -is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists -have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that one can learn." @@ -31367,10 +29583,6 @@ and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum competence will be quite enough. -- The Underground Grammarian % -It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely -the most important. - -- Sherlock Holmes -% It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important. -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity" @@ -31443,16 +29655,6 @@ It is all right to hold a conversation, but you should let go of it now and then. -- Richard Armour % -It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will -not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves -and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like -mature human beings ... - -- Playboy, January 1983 -% -It is always the best policy to speak the truth, -unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar. - -- Jerome K. Jerome -% It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar. -- Jerome K. Jerome @@ -31546,11 +29748,6 @@ remember. % It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators. % -It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive -and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing -rabbits singing about toilet paper. - -- R. Serling -% It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. @@ -31562,10 +29759,6 @@ It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys. lightly greased." -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" % -It is easier for a camel to pass through the -eye of a needle if it is lightly greased. - -- Kehlog Albran -% It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat @@ -31660,9 +29853,6 @@ It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do. -- Jerome Klapka Jerome % -It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do. - -- Jerome K. Jerome -% It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. -- Woody Allen @@ -31873,13 +30063,6 @@ highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details, worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour. -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" % -It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a -statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more -glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through -which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the -day, that is the highest of arts. - -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" -% It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) % @@ -32081,10 +30264,6 @@ It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. -- Robert Benchley % -"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, -but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous." - -- Robert Benchly -% It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very @@ -32220,9 +30399,6 @@ It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear. -- Cheers % -"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone -underwear." -% It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. % It's a naive, domestic operating system without any @@ -32305,8 +30481,6 @@ done". It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home. -- Don Price % -It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. -% It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for being right. % @@ -32419,8 +30593,6 @@ get drunk. It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction. % -"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name." -% It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre. -- Sam Goldwyn % @@ -32490,8 +30662,6 @@ It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts. It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips. -- Garfield % -It's not whether you win or lose but how you look playing the game. -% It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game. -- Grantland Rice % @@ -32549,9 +30719,6 @@ So ask me just one question when this magic night is through, Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you? -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses" % -It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the -Devil when he is the only explanation of it. -% It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten. % It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are? @@ -32644,23 +30811,6 @@ There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral I've built a better model than the one at Data General. - -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song", (To the tune of - "Modern Major General") -% -I've built a better model than the one at Data General -For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral -My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; -My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. -My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, -You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; -There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; -My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. - -I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: -There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, -Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral -I've built a better model than the one at Data General. - -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance", by Gilbert & Sullivan) @@ -32901,10 +31051,6 @@ Jones' First Law: obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their original contribution. % -Jone's Law: - The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone -to blame it on. -% Jone's Motto: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. % @@ -33125,10 +31271,6 @@ Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane" % Katz' Law: - Man and nations will act rationally when all other -possibilities have been exhausted. -% -Katz' Law: Men and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted. @@ -33254,14 +31396,6 @@ Kettering's Observation: % Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on. % -Kids have *never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could travel -back in time and observe the original primate family in the original tree, -you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate teenager for sitting -around and sulking all day instead of hunting for grubs and berries like -dad primate. Then you'd see the primate teenager stomp up to his branch -and slam the leaves. - -- Dave Barry -% Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate @@ -33457,10 +31591,6 @@ Labor, n.: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -Labor, n: - One of the processes whereby A acquires property for B. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest. % Lack of money is the root of all evil. @@ -33686,20 +31816,6 @@ Law of Continuity: Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. % -Law of Procrastination: - Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has - the feeling that there is nothing important to do. -% -Law of Selective Gravity: - An object will fall so as to do the most damage. - -Jenning's Corollary: - The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side - down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. - -Law of the Perversity of Nature: - You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. -% Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage. @@ -33710,10 +31826,6 @@ directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. Law of the Jungle: He who hesitates is lunch. % -Law of the Perversity of Nature: - You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the -bread to butter. -% Law of the Yukon: Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery. % @@ -34241,9 +32353,6 @@ Life is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep. -- Carl Sandburg % -Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find -there is nothing in it. -% Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer and then you find there is nothing in it. -- James Huneker @@ -34320,8 +32429,6 @@ weren't for other people" -- Blore % Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. -% -Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. -- Dave Olson % Life would be tolerable but for its amusements. @@ -34552,10 +32659,6 @@ a panacea so alleged. government been lacking in courage and boldness in facing up to the recession?" % -Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. -Life is the other way around. - -- David Lodge -% Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life is the other way round. -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down" @@ -34650,24 +32753,6 @@ Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these interest rates, we don't need it." % Lobster: - Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are -squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the -only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to -eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial -before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most -ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime -in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its -unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of -the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, -"Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a -memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe -at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. -Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be, -too. - -- "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and Utensils - into Excuses and Apologies" -% -Lobster: Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your @@ -34695,9 +32780,6 @@ Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*. % Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad. % -Logic is a systematic method of coming -to the wrong conclusion with confidence. -% Logic is the chastity belt of the mind! % Logicians have but ill defined @@ -34878,10 +32960,6 @@ Love is a grave mental disease. Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell. -- Matt Groening % -"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it -flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." - -- Matt Groening -% Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come. -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell" @@ -35063,10 +33141,6 @@ Ma Bell is a mean mother! % MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that. % -"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into -the smallest amount of thoughts." - -- Winston Churchill -% "Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years." "What about X?" "I said `intellectual'." @@ -35135,14 +33209,6 @@ Magary's Principle: % Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic. % -Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism. - -Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. - -The two preceding definitions are condensed from the works of one -thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a -great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge. -% Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. @@ -35162,11 +33228,6 @@ magnocartic, adj: carts. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" % -Magnocartic, adj.: - Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping -carts. - -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" -% MAGPIE: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk. @@ -35206,16 +33267,6 @@ Corollaries: 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory. % -Maier's Law: - If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed - of. - -Corollaries: - (1) The bigger the theory, the better. - (2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than - 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to - obtain a correspondence with the theory. -% Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. % @@ -35365,10 +33416,6 @@ Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it is an enemy. -- Albert Einstein % -Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- -unless it is an enemy. - -- A. Einstein -% Man who arrives at party two hours late will find he has been beaten to the punch. % @@ -35769,11 +33816,6 @@ Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. mathematician, n: Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's. % -Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they -translate into their own language and forthwith it is something -entirely different. - -- Goethe -% Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe @@ -35951,11 +33993,6 @@ Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge. % Meester, do you vant to buy a duck? % -Meeting: - An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide what - person or department not represented in the room must solve the - problem. -% meeting, n: An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve a problem. @@ -35996,21 +34033,6 @@ Memory should be the starting point of the present. Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them. -- Marilyn Monroe % -Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice -hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should -never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they -will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average -man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned, -through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81 -ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT -tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe -ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him -a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. - If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More -than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set -of tires. - -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" -% Men are superior to women. -- The Koran % @@ -36083,12 +34105,6 @@ Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % -Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures -from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha -Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man -had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. - -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams -% Men who cherish for women the highest respect are seldom popular with them. -- Joseph Addison @@ -36103,21 +34119,6 @@ cork makes when it is popped. Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. % -Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: - All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. - -Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: - The quality of a champagne is judged by the - amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped. - -Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: - The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. - -Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: - Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that - is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city - can ever hope to acquire it. -% Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can @@ -36218,9 +34219,6 @@ Microwaves frizz your heir. % Mieux vaut tard que jamais! % -"Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you -out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles." -% Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. -- Casablanca @@ -36332,8 +34330,6 @@ Miss, n.: they are in the market. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to utter failure. -% Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. % Mistrust first impulses; they are always right. @@ -36596,11 +34592,6 @@ leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" % -More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One -path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total -extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. - -- Woody Allen -% Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help. One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent @@ -36757,9 +34748,6 @@ Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like. % Mother is the invention of necessity. % -Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that -there would be so many. -% Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many. % @@ -36915,10 +34903,6 @@ long it has become a science project. My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it. -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel" % -"My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on -it." - -- "Grendel", by John Gardner -% My analyst told me that I was right out of my head, But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead. Because I have got a thing that is unique and new, @@ -36997,10 +34981,6 @@ of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother, drunk or sober." -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Defendant" % -"My country right or wrong" is like saying, "My mother drunk or -sober." - -- G. K. Chesterton -% My cup hath runneth'd over with love. % My darling wife was always glum. @@ -37094,16 +35074,6 @@ As sharply sweet to my heart he seems As the fragrance of acacia. My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- And I wish he were in Asia. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, - And a wild young wood-thing bore him! -The ways are fair to his roaming feet, - And the skies are sunlit for him. -As sharply sweet to my heart he seems - As the fragrance of acacia. -My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- - And I wish he were in Asia. -- Dorothy Parker, part 2 % My love runs by like a day in June, @@ -37114,16 +35084,6 @@ He'll live his days where the sunbeams start Nor could storm or wind uproot him. My own dear love, he is all my heart -- And I wish somebody'd shoot him. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -My love runs by like a day in June, - And he makes no friends of sorrows. -He'll tread his galloping rigadoon - In the pathway or the morrows. -He'll live his days where the sunbeams start - Nor could storm or wind uproot him. -My own dear love, he is all my heart -- - And I wish somebody'd shoot him. -- Dorothy Parker, part 3 % My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right @@ -37183,16 +35143,6 @@ He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. My own dear love, he is all my world -- And I wish I'd never met him. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -My own dear love, he is strong and bold - And he cares not what comes after. -His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, - And his eyes are lit with laughter. -He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- - Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. -My own dear love, he is all my world -- - And I wish I'd never met him. -- Dorothy Parker, part 1 % My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems, @@ -37474,9 +35424,6 @@ Neckties strangle clear thinking. % Needs are a function of what other people have. % -Negative expectations yield negative results. -Positive expectations yield negative results. -% Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty. -- Napoleon % @@ -37524,15 +35471,10 @@ Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage. % Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference. % -Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. -% Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested. % Never ask the barber if you need a haircut. % -Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss -the one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other. -% Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous % @@ -37563,16 +35505,8 @@ with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.) % -Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled -with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to -change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually -fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators -have windows. -% Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water. % -Never eat anything bigger than your head. -% Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc. And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know" @@ -37725,17 +35659,12 @@ sex to a virgin. (Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.) % Never try to outstubborn a cat. - -- Lazarus Long -% -Never try to outstubborn a cat. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" % Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig. % Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. -% -Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS % "Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon." @@ -37749,10 +35678,6 @@ there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc. Never volunteer for anything. -- Lackland % -Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's -supposed to do. - -- R. A. Heinlein -% Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do. -- Robert A. Heinlein @@ -37762,8 +35687,6 @@ new, adj: % New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. % -New England Life, of course. Why? -% New England Life, of course. Why do you ask? % New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in @@ -37799,8 +35722,6 @@ Where they say you should not wander after dark. New York. -- Simon and Garfunkle % -New York's got the ways and means, just won't let you be. -% New York's got the ways and means; Just won't let you be. -- The Grateful Dead @@ -37836,10 +35757,6 @@ Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year. % -Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying -as an income tax refund. - -- F. J. Raymond -% Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn % @@ -38179,26 +36096,6 @@ Refrain: Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. % -No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- -He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. -Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame -And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. -CHORUS: - Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, - And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. - Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, - And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. -Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails -And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. -All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff -But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" - (chorus) -Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. -The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. -A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, -But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! - (chorus) -% No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe their wish has been granted. @@ -38207,8 +36104,6 @@ their wish has been granted. No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances. % No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. -% -No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. -- C. Schulz % No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. @@ -38329,9 +36224,6 @@ however, was pretty close to what actually happened... % Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest. % -Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. - -- Tallulah Bankhead -% Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it. -- Tallulah Bankhead @@ -38597,24 +36489,9 @@ then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ... -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" % -Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the -Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats -in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the -moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, -a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every -respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside -it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, -then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they -chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine... - -- Stanislaw Lem -% "Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none." -- Shakespeare % -"Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper -is from the wrong kind of tree." - -- Professor W. -% Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree. -- Professor, EECS, George Washington University @@ -38666,8 +36543,6 @@ not to make any poultry jokes. -- Woody Allen % Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. -% -Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson % Nothing can be done in one trip. @@ -38762,9 +36637,6 @@ which the hearer is permitted to laugh. Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. -- Mark Twain % -Nothing succeeds like excess. - -- Oscar Wilde -% Nothing succeeds like success. -- Alexandre Dumas % @@ -38840,8 +36712,6 @@ Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery: When comes the revolution, things will be different -- not better, just different. % -Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. -% Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature. % Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure; @@ -38928,10 +36798,6 @@ cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions: That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. % -Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called -Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that -were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST... -% "Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..." @@ -38949,22 +36815,6 @@ you can win or you can lose or it can rain. smurfette." -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354 % -Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to get it -over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the mall, -the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall -public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children -emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who -befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then -melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young reindeer who, -because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by the other -reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does he ignore the deformity? -Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive -reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as -if Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with legs and a -tail. So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, -you should shop quickly. - -- Dave Barry -% Nowlan's Theory: He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit. @@ -39149,15 +36999,10 @@ Of course it's possible to love a human being if you don't know them too well. -- Charles Bukowski % -"Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a -fake?" -% Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power tools aren't soluble in alcohol... -- Crazy Nigel % -Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. -% Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon. After awhile you'd run out of air to push against. % @@ -39170,10 +37015,6 @@ Office Automation: The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee. % -Office Automation, n.: - The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone -you would want to talk with over coffee. -% Official Project Stages: 1. Uncritical Acceptance 2. Wild Enthusiasm @@ -39404,8 +37245,6 @@ you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R.J.', or you can call me 'Ray J.', or you can call me 'R.J.J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or you can call me 'R.J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'... % -Oh yeah? Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean. -% Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone. -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane" % @@ -39480,10 +37319,6 @@ omnibiblious, adj.: Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything. I'm omnibiblious." % -Omnibiblious, adj.: - Indifferent to type of drink. "Oh, you can get me anything. -I'm omnibiblious." -% OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ... @@ -39529,10 +37364,6 @@ pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?" "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much taller." % -On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are -created jerks. - -- Avery -% On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks. -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" @@ -39616,22 +37447,6 @@ vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson. The Herald regrets the errors." -- "The Progressive", March, 1987 % -Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each -of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. - In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians -called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and -went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing -each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" -or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" -... - Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you -with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers -have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and -they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your -children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus; -that ought to shut them up. - -- Dave Barry -% Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. @@ -39687,20 +37502,6 @@ Then Justice came. His Honor cried: "Friend of the court, so please you." "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- I never saw your face before!" -% -Once Law was sitting on the bench - And Mercy knelt a-weeping. -"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! - Nor come before me creeping. -Upon you knees if you appear, -'Tis plain you have no standing here." - -Then Justice came. His Honor cried: - "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" -"Amica curiae," she replied -- - "Friend of the court, so please you." -"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- -I never saw your face before!" -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings @@ -39822,9 +37623,6 @@ mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God. % One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. -% -One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing -how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. -- Professor Charles P. Issawi % One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. @@ -40119,11 +37917,6 @@ And perhaps the horse will learn to sing. % One organism, one vote. % -One Page Principle: - A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch -paper cannot be understood. - -- Mark Ardis -% One person's error is another person's data. % One picture is worth 128K words. @@ -40255,9 +38048,6 @@ One-Shot Case Study, n: The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green. % -On-line: - The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer. -% On-line, adj.: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer. @@ -40290,9 +38080,6 @@ hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.] Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we". % -Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to -use the editorial "we." -% Only someone with nothing to be sorry for smiles back at the rear of an elephant. % @@ -40390,11 +38177,6 @@ optimist, n: % Optimization hinders evolution. % -Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. -I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but -we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company. - -- J. Wellington Wells -% Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail. -- Germaine Greer % @@ -40476,14 +38258,6 @@ We expect annual savings to be in the billions. Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them. % -Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the office. -He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both -holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of juice. But only -*he* had a lollipop. - He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" - Her reply: "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's -what it means to be a programmer." -% Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of @@ -40568,10 +38342,6 @@ Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal. it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx % -Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too -dark to read. - -- Groucho Marx -% Over the shoulder supervision is more a need of the manager than the programming task. % @@ -40889,11 +38659,6 @@ Peace is much more precious than a piece of land... let there be no more wars. -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981 % -Peace, n: - In international affairs, a period of cheating between two - periods of fighting. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% Peace, n.: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. @@ -40959,9 +38724,6 @@ people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself % Penguin Trivia #46: Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. -% -Penguin Trivia #46: - Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 % PENGUINICITY!! @@ -40977,8 +38739,6 @@ only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" % -People are always available for work in the past tense. -% People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing before you leave the house. % @@ -40988,9 +38748,6 @@ People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects. % People don't change; they only become more so. % -People don't make the same mistake twice -- they make it three times, -four times... -% People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three times, four time, five times... % @@ -41093,10 +38850,6 @@ Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer. -- R. W. Hamming % Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. -"Confound those who have said our remarks before us." - -- Aelius Donatus -% -Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] or [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.] @@ -41111,10 +38864,6 @@ Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away. -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery % -Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything -to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away. - -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery -% Performance: A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored @@ -41212,10 +38961,6 @@ Peter's Principle: In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of his incompetence. % -Peter's Law of Substitution: - Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after -themselves. -% Peterson's Admonition: When you think you're going down for the third time -- just remember that you may have counted wrong. @@ -41306,12 +39051,6 @@ Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square. Piece of cake! -- G. S. Koblas % -pig, n: - An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by - the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is - inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% Pig, n.: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is @@ -41396,11 +39135,6 @@ couldn't compete successfully with poets. -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half Shell" % -Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia -because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers -couldn't compete successfully with poets. - -- Kilgore Trout, "Venus on the Half Shell" -% PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP: What develops when two people get tired of making love to each other. @@ -41412,8 +39146,6 @@ Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table. -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" % -Please do not look directly into laser with remaining eye. -% Please don't put a strain on our friendship by asking me to do something for you. % @@ -41564,9 +39296,6 @@ Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween. -- Alfred E. Neuman % -Political television commercials prove one thing: some candidates -can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. -% Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. % @@ -41583,10 +39312,6 @@ Politician, n.: "polytetien", a person of two or more faces. -- Martin Pitt % -Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even -where there is no river. - -- Nikita Khrushchev -% Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. -- Nikita Khrushchev @@ -41903,11 +39628,6 @@ midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam. Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%. % -Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem. -Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on -his exam. Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter. Newell's -earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30% -% PROGRAM: Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program," @@ -42135,15 +39855,6 @@ Pudder's Law: % Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa. % -Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to -spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate -that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person -on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are -thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other -passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they -have plenty of food and water. - -- Dave Barry -% Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the @@ -42155,8 +39866,6 @@ the first day even if they have plenty of food and water. % Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen. % -Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen. -% PURGE COMPLETE. % PURITAN: @@ -42188,9 +39897,6 @@ Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it. Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man. -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" % -Put all your eggs in one basket and -- WATCH THAT BASKET. - -- Mark Twain -% Put another password in, Bomb it out, then try again. Try to get past logging in, @@ -42494,19 +40200,6 @@ Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?" A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little bottles into the typewriter. % -Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. - What should I do? - -A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on - believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably - be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you - can. No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to - see if somebody else has made the correction. And it's not good - enough to send the message by mail. Since you're the only one who - really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform the - whole net right away! - -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette -% Q: What did one regular expression say to the other? A: .+ % @@ -42865,9 +40558,6 @@ A: It wasn't IBM compatible. Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. % -Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat? -A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. -% Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective @@ -42878,27 +40568,9 @@ Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in San Francisco? A: Both of them. % -Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job? -A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. -% -Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? -A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, - Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of - the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% - of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences - of non-blank characters separated by blanks". -% Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One and a half. % -Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? -A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those - Californians trying to share the experience. -% -Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? -A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub - with brightly colored machine tools. -% Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way. @@ -42909,12 +40581,6 @@ A: One-third less calories than a regular year. Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? A: Because it was on the other side. % -Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? -A: To stamp out forest fires. - -Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? -A: To stamp out flaming ducks. -% Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What should I do? @@ -43451,16 +41117,6 @@ Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give; Gas smells awful; You might as well live. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -Razors pain you; -Rivers are damp; -Acids stain you; -And drugs cause cramp. -Guns aren't lawful; -Nooses give; -Gas smells awful; -You might as well live. -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926 % Re: Graphics: @@ -43522,11 +41178,6 @@ Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet. % -Real programmers admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value but they -find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is much too large to -implement. Most computer scientists don't notice this because they are -still arguing over what else to add to ADA. -% Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise @@ -43536,9 +41187,6 @@ Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche. % -Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it -should be hard to understand. -% Real programmers don't document; if it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. % @@ -43560,9 +41208,6 @@ Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks. % -Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. -FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. -% Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. % @@ -43612,17 +41257,6 @@ Real wealth can only increase. -- R. Buckminster Fuller % Real World, The n.: - 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may be -used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To -programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related to -programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and tie -and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4. The location -of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. "Poor fellow, he's -left MIT and gone into T.R.W." Used pejoratively by those not in residence -there. In conversation, talking of someone who has entered the real world -is not unlike talking about a deceased person. -% -Real World, The n.: 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related @@ -43679,10 +41313,6 @@ Reappraisal, n: Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" % -Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being -flat broke and having a stomach ache. - -- Dolph Sharp -% Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache. -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" @@ -43845,9 +41475,6 @@ Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Cleveland. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" % -Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, -it could only be worse in Cleveland. -% Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular? % Remember the... the... uhh..... @@ -44138,10 +41765,6 @@ Rudin's Second Law: courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course. % -Rudin's Law: - If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it -every time. -% rugby, n: Elegant violence. @@ -44244,24 +41867,6 @@ phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'" % RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED - 1. Never eat on an empty stomach. - 2. Never leave the table hungry. - 3. When traveling, never leave a country hungry. - 4. Enjoy your food. - 5. Enjoy your companion's food. - 6. Really taste your food. It may take several portions to - accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. - 7. Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, for - example, the texture of a turnip to that of a brownie. - Which feels better against your cheeks? - 8. Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. - 9. Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You can - always eat it later. - 10. Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. - 11. Avoid blue food. - -- The Bronx Diet, "Richard Smith" -% -RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED (1) Never eat on an empty stomach. (2) Never leave the table hungry. (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry. @@ -44487,14 +42092,6 @@ Sank heaven for leetle curls. % Santa Claus is watching! % -Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, - He must be a communist. -And a beard and long hair, - Must be a pacifist. - - What's in that pipe that he's smoking? - -- Arlo Guthrie -% Santa Claus wears a red suit He's a Communist. @@ -44563,10 +42160,6 @@ Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda. % Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds! % -"Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I -ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. - -- Steven Wright -% Say! You've struck a heap of trouble-- Bust in business, lost your wife; No one cares a cent about you, @@ -44752,17 +42345,6 @@ SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21) Scott's first Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. % -Scott's First Law: - No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. - -Scott's Second Law: - When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found - to have been wrong in the first place. -Corollary: - After the correction has been found in error, it will be - impossible to fit the original quantity back into the - equation. -% Scott's second Law: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been wrong in the first place. @@ -44857,14 +42439,6 @@ Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, Silently scheming, Sightlessly seeking Some savage, spectacular suicide. - -- Stanislaw Lem -% -Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. -She scissored short. Sorely shorn, -Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, -Silently scheming, -Sightlessly seeking -Some savage, spectacular suicide. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" % "See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ..." @@ -44980,9 +42554,6 @@ Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow! -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) % Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: - Ice Cream cures all ills. -% -Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily. % Self Test for Paranoia: @@ -45389,9 +42960,6 @@ Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips. Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs. % Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. - -- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet -% -Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet % Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak @@ -45791,21 +43359,6 @@ Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change? For the lead role in a cage? -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here" % -So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their procedure is -to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as to infest the -waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of sharks today is -bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making documentaries. Once the -sharks arrive, they are generally fairly listless. The general shark attitude -seems to be: "Oh God, another documentary." So the divers have to somehow -goad them into attacking, under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know -very little about the effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will -say, in a deeply scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this -Great White in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind -of thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and -then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very dangerous -development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along. - -- Dave Barry -% So this is it. We're going to die. % So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? @@ -46005,13 +43558,6 @@ and some of the future prevented at all costs. Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths. -- Stephen Wright % -Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some -people have mediocrity thrust upon them. - -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" -% -Some people around here wouldn't recognize -subtlety if it hit them on the head. -% Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into two-dimensional ones. @@ -46025,9 +43571,6 @@ they go; others, whenever they go. Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep, but at least you only have to climb it once. % -Some people have a great ambition: to build something -that will last, at least until they've finished building it. -% Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk." % @@ -46080,9 +43623,6 @@ And that is why your Cousin May Fell through the parlor floor today. -- Ogden Nash % -Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand -progress. -% Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand progress. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 @@ -46167,8 +43707,6 @@ Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound." -- David Letterman % Someone is speaking well of you. -% -Someone is speaking well of you. How unusual! % Someone is unenthusiastic about your work. @@ -46308,9 +43846,6 @@ in me." Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already paid may disregard this fortune). % -Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. -(Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie). -% Sorry. I forget what I was going to say. % Sorry. Nice try. @@ -46362,20 +43897,6 @@ For he can thoroughly enjoy Wow! wow! wow! -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" % -Speak roughly to your little boy, - And beat him when he sneezes: -He only does it to annoy - Because he knows it teases. - - Wow! wow! wow! - -I speak severely to my boy, - And beat him when he sneezes: -For he can thoroughly enjoy - The pepper when he pleases! - - Wow! wow! wow! -% Speak roughly to your little VAX, And boot it when it crashes; It knows that one cannot relax @@ -46390,16 +43911,6 @@ In spite of all my favorite hacks Wow! Wow! Wow! % -Speak roughly to your little Vax, -And boot it when it crashes; -It knows that one cannot relax -Because the paging thrashes! - -I speak severely to my Vax, -And boot it when it crashes; -In spite of all my favorite hacks, -My jobs it always trashes! -% Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. % Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. @@ -46712,12 +44223,8 @@ on the credulity of human nature. Stop me, before I kill again! % Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. -% -Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only take a bath... % -Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you. -% Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable. % Strange things are done to be number one @@ -47173,10 +44680,6 @@ Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club. -- Rev. Jim % -Talent does what it can. -Genius does what it must. -You do what you get paid to do. -% Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand. % Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. @@ -47250,9 +44753,6 @@ of our community as the Galapagos of the English language. "Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs." -- Dave Mills % -Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he -grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. -% Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway. % @@ -47289,8 +44789,6 @@ Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means for going backwards. -- Aldous Huxley % -Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. -% Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to. -- Geoffrey Chaucer % @@ -47422,23 +44920,6 @@ contemptuously rejected it. [Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church. Ed.] % -Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a -pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city -until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is -ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe -because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical -fact, for he merely said: - - "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because - it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain - because it is impossible." - -Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of -philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. - -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types - -(Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church). -% Test for paraquat: Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves, @@ -47511,8 +44992,6 @@ I heard it once, It said "Good-bye. -- Richard Armour % -"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all." -% That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all. -- Moliere % @@ -47522,8 +45001,6 @@ That segment of the community with which one has the greatest sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community. % -That that is is that that is not is not. -% That, that is, is. That, that is not, is not. That, that is, is not that, that is not. @@ -47787,10 +45264,6 @@ Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need logs to multiply." % -The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas -River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little -Rock. -% The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read @@ -47877,20 +45350,6 @@ The red ink was a sight of great awe! Their figures and mine might have balanced, But my wife was too quick on the draw. % -The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. -Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to -park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also -dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big -difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to -do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want. -I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup -truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" -on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the -accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, -whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall -parking lots. - -- Dave Barry -% The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, @@ -47930,8 +45389,6 @@ These signs forerun the death or fall of kings. THE BEATLES: Paul McCartney's old back-up band. % -The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder. -% The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer. -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike @@ -48129,9 +45586,6 @@ Eating peanuts by the peck. His father called him, but he could not go, For he loved those peanuts so. % -The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up -in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school. -% The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work. % @@ -48237,8 +45691,6 @@ The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up at the steam fitters picnic. % The chief cause of problems is solutions. -% -The chief cause of problems is solutions. -- Eric Sevareid % The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions. @@ -48273,9 +45725,6 @@ who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity. % The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere. % -The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when they fill out a -job application. -% The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form. -- Stanley J. Randall @@ -48395,13 +45844,6 @@ Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" % -The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is -none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." -Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. -Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get -you talked about. - -- Lazarus Long -% The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up! % The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart. @@ -48753,9 +46195,6 @@ civilization. The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with symposium to follow. % -The end of the world will occur at three p.m., this Friday, -with symposium to follow. -% The ends justify the means. -- after Matthew Prior % @@ -48978,26 +46417,6 @@ The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. -- Abbie Hoffman % The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King -Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a tragic -death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad forks. -Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously fled the city, -complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of threatening notes left on his -breakfast tray. At the time, this looked suspicious what with his father's -death, and Carotene was suspected of foul play. Then the rest of the King's -relatives began to drop dead one after the other in an odd fashion. Some -were found strangled with dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A -few were found drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants -unknown and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have -thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture of -grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left in Minas -Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed crown, and -the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave Parrafin bravely -accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when a lineal descendant -of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful throne, conquer Twodor's -enemies, and revamp the postal system. - -- Bored of the Rings, "Harvard Lampoon" -% -The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously @@ -49021,10 +46440,6 @@ throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system. The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand? -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist % -The first guy that rats gets a belly-full of slugs in the head. -Understand? - -- Joey Glimco -% The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. -- Clarence Darrow @@ -49039,23 +46454,6 @@ management is that success equals skill. The first requisite for immortality is death. -- Stanislaw Lem % -The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child, -was propounded to me by my father: - - "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?" -I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity gave up. - "A herring," said my father. - "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" - "So hang it there." - "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. - "Paint it." - "But a herring isn't wet." - "If it's just painted it's still wet." - "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, - "a herring doesn't whistle!!" - "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard." - -- Leo Rosten -% The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child, was propounded to me by my father: "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and @@ -49184,9 +46582,6 @@ vinyl." -- Somerset Maugham % The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the -number of your kids by 32 teeth. -% -The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the number of your kids by thirty-two teeth. % The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend @@ -49260,9 +46655,6 @@ Over Shredded Wheat The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it. % -The goal of Computer Science is to build something -that will at least last until we've finished building it. -% The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice. % @@ -49276,9 +46668,6 @@ is your move. The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences: He who has the gold makes the rules. % -THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES - The one who has the gold makes the rules. -% "The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine @@ -49287,9 +46676,6 @@ man in the bonds of Hell." % The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got to be good. -% -The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got -to be good. -- John Barrymore % The good (I am convinced, for one) @@ -49753,8 +47139,6 @@ body of the woman you have ceased to love. The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. % -"The hell with the prime directive! Let's kill something!" -% The help people need most urgently is help in admitting that they need help. % @@ -49893,9 +47277,6 @@ The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest. The idle mind knows not what it is it wants. -- Quintus Ennius % -The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. - -- Henry Kissinger -% "The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit longer." -- Henry Kissinger @@ -49913,10 +47294,6 @@ has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr. -- Will Rogers % -The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than -golf has. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people. @@ -50073,10 +47450,6 @@ The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony No. 9. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired. % -The last person that quit or was fired will be the held responsible -for everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is -fired. -% The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it. % The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first. @@ -50097,9 +47470,6 @@ The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. -- Anatole France % -The Law of Probable Dispersal: - That which hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. -% The Law of the Letter: The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope. % @@ -50380,10 +47750,6 @@ The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate. we could with both of them." -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" % -The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we -could grab as much as we could with both of them. - -- Major Major's father -% The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Indian Giver be the name of the Lord. % @@ -50526,10 +47892,6 @@ are one, and that one is marxism. The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort! % The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a -soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which -when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years. -% -The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years. % @@ -50644,17 +48006,10 @@ the odds that the competition already has the order. % The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. % -The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the -lower the mailing cost. - -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" -% "The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the lower the mailing cost." -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" % -The more he talked of his honor the faster we counted our spoons. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% The more I know men the more I like my horse. % The more I see of men the more I admire dogs. @@ -50734,10 +48089,6 @@ is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian. to watch someone else do it wrong without comment." -- Theodore H. White % -The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a -thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting. - -- T. H. White -% The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding. % The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does @@ -51030,8 +48381,6 @@ familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity. -- Oscar Wilde % -The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. -% The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe. % @@ -51112,14 +48461,9 @@ The only people who make love all the time are liars. % The only perfect science is hind-sight. % -The only person to get all of his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. -% The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. % The only possible interpretation of any research -whatever in the "social sciences" is: some do, some don't. -% -The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the 'social sciences' is: some do, some don't. -- Ernest Rutherford % @@ -51146,9 +48490,6 @@ The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method for getting acquainted. -- Heywood Broun % -The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon. - -- C. Schultz -% "The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon." -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and Over and Over" @@ -51329,9 +48670,6 @@ but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that quality of joy. -- Erica Jong % -The person who can smile when something -goes wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. -% The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. % The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it. @@ -51345,10 +48683,6 @@ market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose" -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982 % -The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that, -when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers -become soft. -% The philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness. -- Wittgenstein. @@ -51360,11 +48694,6 @@ The Pig, if I am not mistaken, Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. Let others think his heart is big, I think it stupid of the Pig. -% -The Pig, if I am not mistaken, -Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. -Let others think his heart is big, -I think it stupid of the Pig. -- Ogden Nash % The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang @@ -51451,11 +48780,6 @@ A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. Do I want one? God Forbiddie! -- Ogden Nash % -The president publicly apologized today to all those offended by his brother's -remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is Jews!". Those -offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. - -- Channel 11 News, Baltimore, on Billy Carter -% The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. @@ -51505,23 +48829,11 @@ represents the secondary theme: The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials -% -The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" -represents the secondary theme: - - Law Enforcement Officials - -The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: - - Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials -- M. Gallaher % The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action. % -The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the -stupidity of your action. -% The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle @@ -51610,10 +48922,6 @@ engineers. "The pyramid is opening!" "Which one?" "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" -% -"The pyramid is opening!" -"Which one?" -"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" % @@ -51651,11 +48959,6 @@ battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet. -- Damon Runyon % The rain it raineth on the just - And also on the unjust fella, -But chiefly on the just, because - The unjust steals the just's umbrella. -% -The rain it raineth on the just And also on the unjust fella: But chiefly on the just, because The unjust steals the just's umbrella. @@ -51936,11 +49239,6 @@ equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth, and sixth years. % -The Seventh Commandments for Technicians - Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy -fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in -other ways. -% The sheep died in the wool. % The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land. @@ -52053,9 +49351,6 @@ sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me." The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money. -- Ed Bluestone, The National Lampoon % -The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money. - -- Ed Bluestone -% "The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!" % The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be @@ -52160,8 +49455,6 @@ them unsafe. The streets were dark with something more than night. -- Raymond Chandler % -The strong give up and move away, while the weak give up and stay. -% The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay. % The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He @@ -52201,14 +49494,6 @@ He did his very best to make The billows smooth and bright -- And this was very odd, because it was The middle of the night. - -- Lewis Carroll -% -The sun was shining on the sea, -Shining with all his might: -He did his very best to make -The billows smooth and bright -- -And this was very odd, because it was -The middle of the night. -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" % The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness. @@ -52299,26 +49584,6 @@ The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview" % -The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our -authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as -the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as -the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much -radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much -as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we -receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the -Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will -heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to -the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much -heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for -radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the -earth (~300K), gives _H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell -cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the -fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which -burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means -that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We -have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. - -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972 -% The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, @@ -52416,13 +49681,6 @@ The three laws of thermodynamics: (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. (3) You can only break even at absolute zero. % -The Three Laws of Thermodynamics: - -The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. -The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break - even. -The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero. -% THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND: 1) Where's the bathroom? @@ -52574,19 +49832,11 @@ The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks Which practically conceal its sex. I think it clever of the turtle In such a fix to be so fertile. - -- O. Nash -% -The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks -Which practically conceal its sex. -I think it clever of the turtle -In such a fix to be so fertile. -- Ogden Nash % The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed." -- Dorothy Parker % -The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. -% The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity. -- Harlan Ellison % @@ -52630,10 +49880,6 @@ The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are % The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress. % -The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to -everybody and still nobody likes him. - -- Jim Samuels -% The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be broken. % @@ -52705,12 +49951,6 @@ The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice. -- Mark Twain % -The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of -altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their -views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the -facts that needs altering. - -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil" -% The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to @@ -52934,17 +50174,6 @@ forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do". -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" % -THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE - -During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over -emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an -elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped -up a tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their -duty. So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. -Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat -and killed it. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% THE WORST BANK ROBBERY In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of @@ -53272,30 +50501,11 @@ There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy ... -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, -excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy... - -- Ambrose Bierce -% There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce. -- Norman Mailer % -There are in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of the -two has the following record: The Vietnam War, Watergate, double-digit -inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent -postcard. The second is responsible for such things as the transistor, -the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording, -sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape, -magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV -relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer, -and the first communications satellite. Guess which one is going to tell -the other how to run the telephone business? I can hardly wait for the -results. -% -There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own -cats. -% There are many intelligent species in the universe, and they all own cats. % @@ -53369,9 +50579,6 @@ There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days. -- shades % -There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the -truth without lying. -% There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying. -- Josh Billings @@ -53433,9 +50640,6 @@ wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence." -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII % -There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. - -- Disraeli -% There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics. -- Benjamin Disraeli % @@ -53445,11 +50649,6 @@ There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix. from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor." % -There are three possibilities: -Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; -there's a large meteor blocking transmission; -someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor. -% There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount @@ -53497,9 +50696,6 @@ There are three ways to get something done: 2: Hire someone to do it for you. 3: Forbid your kids to do it. % -There are three ways to get something done: -do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. -% There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is one of them. % @@ -53553,11 +50749,6 @@ There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. -- Woody Allen % -There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make -it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to -make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. - -- C. A. R. Hoare -% "There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious @@ -53693,12 +50884,6 @@ Fatherland. -- Adolf Hitler % There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly -what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear -and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There -is another theory which states that this has already happened. - -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy -% -There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. @@ -53777,10 +50962,6 @@ There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a man who eats Grapenuts on principle. -- G. K. Chesterton % -There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the -man who eats Grap-Nuts on principle. - -- G. K. Chesterton -% There is more to life than increasing its speed. -- Mahatma Mohandis K. Gandhi % @@ -53881,11 +51062,6 @@ There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation), Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977 % -"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their -home." - -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, World Future Society - Convention, 1977 -% There is no royal road to geometry. -- Euclid % @@ -54013,10 +51189,6 @@ it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated. There is plenty of time before progress goes too far. -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967] % -There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale -returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. - -- Mark Twain -% There is something in the pang of change More than the heart can bear, Unhappiness remembering happiness. @@ -54343,8 +51515,6 @@ There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our whole lives, win, lose, or draw. -- Walt Kelly % -There's no heavier burden than a great potential. -% There's no justice in this world. -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano by New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after @@ -54359,8 +51529,6 @@ There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse. % There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. -% -There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. -- Raoul Duke % There's no saint like a reformed sinner. @@ -54379,16 +51547,8 @@ There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. -- Will Rodgers % -There's no use being precise about something -when you don't even know what you're talking about. - -- John von Neumann -% There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking. % -"There's nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and dead -armadillos." - -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner -% There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos. -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner @@ -54574,10 +51734,6 @@ They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. -- Mark Twain % -They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy. -Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. - -- Mark Twain -% "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759 @@ -54599,23 +51755,6 @@ Ignoring all they'd done We quickly turned it into code To see if it would run. % -They told me you had proven it - About a month before. -The proof was valid, more or less He sent them word that we would try - But rather less than more. To pass where they had failed - And after we were done, to them - The new proof would be mailed. -My notion was to start again - Ignoring all they'd done -We quickly turned it into code When they discovered our results - To see if it would run. Their hair began to curl - Instead of understanding it - We'd run the thing through PRL. -Don't tell a soul about all this -For it must ever be -A secret, kept from all the rest -Between yourself and me. -% They took some of the Van Goghs, most of the jewels, and all of the Chivas! % @@ -55023,10 +52162,6 @@ which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy. -- Douglas Adams % -"This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does -something child-like." - -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 -% This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does something child-like. -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington @@ -55123,9 +52258,6 @@ Those lovable Brits department: Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do. % -Those of you who think you know everything -are annoying those of us who do. -% Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do. % Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised) @@ -55155,8 +52287,6 @@ Those who can't write, write manuals. Those who claim the dead never return to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time. % -Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics. -% "Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics." -- French Proverb % @@ -55185,10 +52315,6 @@ world is love. The poor know that it is money. % Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. % -Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent -revolution inevitable. - -- John F. Kennedy -% Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy @@ -55255,13 +52381,6 @@ fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more about the matter than the others. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are -the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with -Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- -whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation... -A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any -more about the matter than the others. -% Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write. -- Trollope % @@ -55411,8 +52530,6 @@ Time and tide wait for no man. Time as he grows old teaches all things. -- Aeschylus % -Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. -% Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. % Time goes, you say? @@ -55423,9 +52540,6 @@ Time stays, *we* go. Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. -- Hector Berlioz % -Time is an illusion; lunch-time doubly so. - -- Ford Prefect -% Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so. -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy % @@ -55434,9 +52548,6 @@ Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space. Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. -- Henry David Thoreau % -Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at -once. -% Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. @@ -55606,24 +52717,9 @@ Do be do be do! Yabba-Dabba-Doo! -- F. Flintstone % -To be is to do. - -- I. Kant -To do is to be. - -- A. Sartre -Yabba-Dabba-Doo! - -- F. Flintstone -% To be loved is very demoralizing. -- Katharine Hepburn % -to be nobody but yourself in a world -which is doing its best night and day -to make you like everybody else -means to fight the hardest battle -any human being can fight and -never stop fighting. - -- e.e. cummings -% To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. @@ -55735,8 +52831,6 @@ To err is human, to forgive, infrequent. % To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. % -To err is human, to forgive is not company policy. -% To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy. -- MIT Assasination Club % @@ -55799,9 +52893,6 @@ To get something clean, one has to get something dirty. To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean. % To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three -men, two of them absent. -% -To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three persons, two of them absent. % To give happiness is to deserve happiness. @@ -55818,8 +52909,6 @@ To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. -- Thomas Edison % To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. -% -To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. -- Robert Heller % To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war. @@ -56282,9 +53371,6 @@ a brand new series of three. Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live in eucalyptus trees. % -Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are -beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees. -% Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing. % True happiness will be found only in true love. @@ -56339,8 +53425,6 @@ of him that brought her birth. % Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) % -Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) -% TRUTHFUL: Dumb and illiterate. % @@ -56670,9 +53754,6 @@ the way, did you hear that Romanov died?" Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory. I forget the second. % -"Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory. -I forget the second." -% Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When @@ -56751,9 +53832,6 @@ coughing and drops dead. right?" -- MacNelley, "Shoe" % -Uncle Cosmo, why do they call this a word processor? -It's simple, Skyler. You've seen what food processors do to food, right? -% Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it. @@ -56970,10 +54048,6 @@ User hostile. User n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. % -USER, n.: - The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." - -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" -% user, n: The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" @@ -57135,9 +54209,6 @@ Violence is molding. Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. -- Salvador Hardin % -Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. - -- Salvor Hardin -% Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we @@ -57172,8 +54243,6 @@ only the willingness to make it when necessary. -- Frederick Dunn % Virtue is its own punishment. -% -Virtue is its own punishment. -- Denniston Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment. @@ -57490,9 +54559,6 @@ We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" % -We are confronted with unsurmountable opportunities. - -- Pogo -% We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge. -- John Naisbitt, Megatrends % @@ -57726,20 +54792,6 @@ hands for masturbation." % We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out. % -We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an official -name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death Flu". You -may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish you had another -setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that said "ELECTROCUTION". - Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) -your teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing -process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a couple -of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways out of your -mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste stalagmites that -would bond your head permanently to the bathroom floor, which is how the -police would find you. - You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. - -- Dave Barry -% We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish @@ -58142,9 +55194,6 @@ Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. % -Weiler's Law: - Nothing is impossible to a person who doesn't have to do the work. -% Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer @@ -58154,9 +55203,6 @@ Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion. -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" % Weinberg's First Law: - Progress is made on alternate Fridays. -% -Weinberg's First Law: Progress is only made on alternate Fridays. % Weinberg's Principle: @@ -58247,8 +55293,6 @@ no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred." -- The Mahabharata % -"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later." -% We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later. % Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep? @@ -58276,19 +55320,6 @@ Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government, to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way. -- Laurie Anderson % -Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a lot -of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a governor or -mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the reason you'll be -reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top contenders for the 1984 -Democratic presidential nomination. These men will spend the next 18 months -going around the country engaging in the most degrading activities imaginable, -such as wearing idiot hats and appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the -Press" is one of those Sunday morning public interest shows that the public -is not the least bit interested in. It features a panel of reporters who -ask questions of a guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he -can get through the entire show without answering a single question. - -- Dave Barry -% Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the @@ -58328,20 +55359,10 @@ or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile % -Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them -back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, -or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they -couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. - -- Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile -% "Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* you believe?!" -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward] % -Well, if you can't believe what you read -in a comic book, what *can* you believe? - -- Bullwinkle J. Moose -% Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted. -- James Thurber % @@ -58665,8 +55686,6 @@ It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook. % What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? % -What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"? -% What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded @@ -58775,8 +55794,6 @@ is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct. -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" % What I tell you three times is true. -% -What I tell you three times is true. -- Lewis Carroll % "What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty- @@ -58917,8 +55934,6 @@ big thumping lie that will then be believed. which is the exact opposite." -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928 % -What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do. -% What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it. % "What I've done, of course, is total garbage." @@ -58977,9 +55992,6 @@ What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's transparency. -- George Nathan % -What passes for woman's intuition -is often nothing more than man's transparency. -% What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes @@ -59161,8 +56173,6 @@ Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again. % What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. % -What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon. -% What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! % What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. @@ -59171,8 +56181,6 @@ What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon. % What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel. % -What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon. -% What time is it? I don't know, it keeps changing. % @@ -59381,11 +56389,6 @@ far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" % -When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is -not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space -travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. - -- Robert Heinlein -% When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. @@ -59428,8 +56431,6 @@ the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter knob. -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual % -When all else fails, read the instructions. -% When all else fails, try Kate Smith. % When all other means of communication fail, try words. @@ -59472,9 +56473,6 @@ When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" % -When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by -reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" -% When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect! % When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this @@ -59601,10 +56599,6 @@ When I think about my folks. When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father. By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement. % -When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now -I'm beginning to believe it. - -- Clarence Darrow -% When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it. -- Clarence Darrow @@ -59760,20 +56754,6 @@ Hi, Mom! When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it. % -When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. When -accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about to -be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to roll -in. - -Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming. - -When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When accountants -make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. When -senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon be -solved. - -Truly, this is the Tao of Programming. -% When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. % @@ -60016,13 +56996,6 @@ When the sun shineth, make hay. % When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them -from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones were -set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the corners as -bodies of a lower grade... - -- Stanislaw Lem -% -When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the -stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the corners as bodies of a lower grade ... @@ -60100,9 +57073,6 @@ When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before -- except our fingertips will have been singed. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 % -When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be -as before -- except our finger-tips will have been singed. -% When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and they don't. % @@ -60288,12 +57258,6 @@ Here's the rub, my darling dear, I feel the same when you are hear. -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing" % -When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, -Wretched, bored, dejected; only -Here's the rub, my darling dear -I feel the same when you are near. - -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away" -% When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else. -- David Pryce-Jones % @@ -60319,12 +57283,6 @@ WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. % -When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all. -% -Whenever a system becomes completely defined, -some damn fool discovers something which either -abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. -% WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle to become a parrot or something. @@ -60378,11 +57336,6 @@ Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. -- Mark Twain "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" % -Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that -is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges -on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. - -- Mark Twain -% Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. -- Mark Twain @@ -60430,13 +57383,6 @@ If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me. -- Hee Haw % -Where, oh where, are you tonight? -Why did you leave me here all alone? -I searched the world over, -And I thought I'd found true love, -You met another and [Bronx cheer] you were gone! - -- Hee Haw -% Where the hell is Wall Drug? % Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?". @@ -60475,9 +57421,6 @@ Do not cease your single-handed struggle. Go on, do not rest. -- An old Gujarati hymn % -Whether you can hear it or not, -The Universe is laughing behind your back. -% Whether you can hear it or not The Universe is laughing behind your back -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" @@ -60500,14 +57443,6 @@ The Rights of Woman merit some attention. -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", November 26, 1792 % -While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, -The fate of empires and the fall of kings; -While quacks of State must each produce his plan, -And even children lisp the Rights of Man; -Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, -The Rights of Woman merit some attention. - -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 1792 -% While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several. % @@ -60540,8 +57475,6 @@ keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove. While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. % -While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. -% While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their correctness never does. % @@ -60589,9 +57522,6 @@ While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -While your friend holds you affectionately by both -your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his. -% Whip it, whip it good! % Whistler's Law: @@ -60661,9 +57591,6 @@ I never soiled with such a deed. % Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot? % -Who needs companionship when you -can sit alone in your room and drink? -% Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? % Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!? @@ -60707,8 +57634,6 @@ Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom. % Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane. % -Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. -% Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising. % Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods. @@ -60767,10 +57692,6 @@ Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are. Why be a man when you can be a success? -- Bertolt Brecht % -Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible? -% -Why be difficult, when, with just a little effort, you can be impossible? -% Why be difficult, when, with just a little more effort, you can be impossible? % @@ -60942,8 +57863,6 @@ It is because we are not the person involved. -- Mark Twain % Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? -% -Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? -- Stephen Wright % Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? @@ -61031,9 +57950,6 @@ Wiker's Law: Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some. % -Wiker's Law: - Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. -% Wilcox's Law: A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. @@ -61047,25 +57963,6 @@ Will your long-winded speeches never end? What ails you that you keep on arguing? -- Job 16:3 % -William Safire's Rules for Writers: - Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice -should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. -Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if -you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a -great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A -writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence -with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word -to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place -pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 -or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling -participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a -sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid -mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone -should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in -their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always -follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; -seek viable alternatives. -% Williams and Holland's Law: If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods. @@ -61131,8 +58028,6 @@ try to be a fraud and a half. -- Otto von Bismarck % With a rubber duck, one's never alone. -% -With a rubber duck, one's never alone. -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % With all the fancy scientists in the world, @@ -61247,9 +58142,6 @@ Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk. Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly. I shall be sober in the morning. % -Woman was God's second mistake. - -- Nietzsche -% Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart @@ -61575,10 +58467,6 @@ Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: August. The lift lines are the shortest, though. -- Steve Rubenstein % -Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: - August. The lines are the shortest, though. - -- Steve Rubenstein -% Worst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you @@ -61594,11 +58482,6 @@ Worst Vegetable of the Year: Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. -- Steve Rubenstein % -Worst Vegetable of the Year: - The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next -year. - -- Steve Rubenstein -% Worth seeing? Yes, but not worth going to see. % @@ -61629,9 +58512,6 @@ Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction? % Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions? % -Would you like to be tried in court by people -who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty? -% Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!! % Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine @@ -61997,13 +58877,6 @@ XL: % Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice! % -"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have -goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in -their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating -unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my -doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. - -- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" -% Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating @@ -62119,8 +58992,6 @@ feet. Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" % -Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again. -% YINKEL: A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice. @@ -62250,26 +59121,6 @@ But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, Why, I do it again and again." -- Lewis Carroll % -"You are old, father William," the young man said, - "And your hair has become very white; -And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- - Do you think, at your age, it is right?" - -"In my youth," father William replied to his son, - "I feared it might injure the brain; -But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, - Why, I do it again and again." - -"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, - And have grown most uncommonly fat; -Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- - Pray what is the reason of that?" - -"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, - "I kept all my limbs very supple -By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- - Allow me to sell you a couple?" -% "You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers That your lectures bore people to death. Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year -- @@ -62291,26 +59142,6 @@ And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, Has lasted the rest of my life." -- Lewis Carroll % -"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak - For anything tougher than suet; -Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- - Pray, how did you manage to do it?" - -"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, - And argued each case with my wife; -And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, - Has lasted the rest of my life." - -"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose - That your eye was as steady as ever; -Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- - What made you so awfully clever?" - -"I have answered three questions, and that is enough," - Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! -Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? - Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" -% "You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, And there isn't one language you like; Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none -- @@ -62450,10 +59281,6 @@ You can be replaced by this computer. You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault. -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould % -"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it -doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on." - -- Hepler, Systems Design 182 -% You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. -- Hepler, Systems Design 182, University of Washington @@ -62480,10 +59307,6 @@ Blackmail a senior executive. You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow. -- Janis Joplin % -"You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. -Why do you find that funny?" - -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350 -% You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. Why do you find that funny? -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington @@ -62551,9 +59374,6 @@ Don't ever count on having both at once. You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy. -- Joe Valachi % -You can lead a horse to water, but if you can -get him to float on his back, you've got something. -% You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. -- Franklin P. Jones @@ -62564,17 +59384,12 @@ You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing viability of FORTRAN. -- Alan Perlis % -You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting -his attitude on the continuing vitality of FORTRAN. -% You can move the world with an idea, but you have to think of it first. % You can never do just one thing. -- Hardin % -You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. -% You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you. % You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. @@ -62614,9 +59429,6 @@ You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements. % You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. % -"You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename." - -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 -% You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename. -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington % @@ -62809,10 +59621,6 @@ You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple, what might you have done for a truffled turkey? -- Brillat-savarin, "Physiologie du Gout" % -You first parents of the human race... who ruined yourself for -an apple, what might you not have done for a truffled turkey? - -- Brillat-Savarin -% You get along very well with everyone except animals and people. % You get what you pay for. @@ -62932,8 +59740,6 @@ You have not converted a man because you have silenced him. You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married and few words in your sleep to get divorced. % -You have taken yourself too seriously. -% You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets wrinkled. % @@ -63232,18 +60038,6 @@ You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write. -- Saul Bellow % -You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will -tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching -these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show -advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for, -even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants -Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better -get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's -antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies -until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the -right gift. - -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" -% You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems. % You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the @@ -63351,10 +60145,6 @@ You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than about 10^12 to 1. -- Ernest Rutherford % -You should never bet against anything in science at -odds of more than about ten to the twelfth to one. - -- E. Rutherford -% You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team, because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat! -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip @@ -63431,8 +60221,6 @@ You want to know why I kept getting promoted? Because my mouth knows more than my brain. -- W. G. % -You will always find something in the last place you look. -% You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like. % You will always have good luck in your personal affairs. |
