Sort these files using: sh ../tools/do_sort < $file > $file.sorted

This greatly aids in detecting duplicates, among other things.

9 files changed, 3065 insertions, 3073 deletions

diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes
index 53510b0..d547ee6 100644
--- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes
@@ -135,6 +135,21 @@ all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
 could tell them.
 		-- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
 %
+			Has your family tried 'em?
+
+			   POWDERMILK BISCUITS
+
+		 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
+
+	    They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
+	   the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
+
+			   POWDERMILK BISCUITS
+
+	Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
+	the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
+		     stains that indicate freshness.
+%
 			It's grad exam time...
 COMPUTER SCIENCE
 	Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
@@ -254,21 +269,6 @@ indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers.  Most important,
 salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and
 steel industries.
 %
-			Has your family tried 'em?
-
-			   POWDERMILK BISCUITS
-
-		 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
-
-	    They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
-	   the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
-
-			   POWDERMILK BISCUITS
-
-	Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
-	the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
-		     stains that indicate freshness.
-%
 		      THE STORY OF CREATION
 				or
 			 THE MYTH OF URK
@@ -752,6 +752,9 @@ and the world were created.  So God must have been an architect."
 	The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then
 commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
 %
+	A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl.  He came back from
+his honeymoon a chastened man.  He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
+%
 	A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
 house of seven gobbles.
 %
@@ -805,6 +808,15 @@ outside one day..."
 finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact.  Someone pointed out that it's
 the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
 %
+	A horrible little boy came up to me and said, "You know in your
+book The Martian Chronicles?"
+	I said, "Yes?"
+	He said, "You know where you talk about Deimos rising in the
+East?"
+	I said, "Yes?"
+	He said "No." -- So I hit him.
+		-- attributed to Ray Bradbury
+%
 	A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three
 days old.  He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
 %
@@ -939,6 +951,16 @@ so that I can program.  If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste
 everyone's time.  Can I go now?  I have a program that I'm working on."
 		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
 %
+	A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
+work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave
+at five in the afternoon."  At this, all of them became angry and several
+resigned on the spot.
+	So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
+working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule."  The
+programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
+hours of the morning.
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
 	A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements
 document for a new application.  The manager asked the master: "How long will
 it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?"
@@ -951,16 +973,6 @@ take it I assign ten programmers to it?"
 completed," he said.
 		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
 %
-	A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
-work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave
-at five in the afternoon."  At this, all of them became angry and several
-resigned on the spot.
-	So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
-working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule."  The
-programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
-hours of the morning.
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
 	A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day.  The master
 noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game.  "Excuse me",
 he said, "may I examine it?"
@@ -1098,6 +1110,10 @@ power off and on.  Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly,
 of what is going wrong."  Knight turned the machine off and on.  The
 machine worked.
 %
+	"A penny for your thoughts?"
+	"A dollar for your death."
+		-- The Odd Couple
+%
 	A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost
 in a forest in the dead of winter.  As they were sitting around a fire, they
 noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily.
@@ -1154,6 +1170,11 @@ with social conventions?"
 	"They are alive within the Tao."
 		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
 %
+	A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all
+these stops and starts get you pretty worn out?"
+	"It isn't the stops and starts that get on my nerves, it's the
+jerks."
+%
 	A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
 carrying a shotgun and a dead loon.  "What in the world do you think you're
 doing?  Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?"
@@ -1243,6 +1264,16 @@ and I've been telling it to the Maureens."
 from Don Quixote for a local TV show.  "I'll play the title role," proposed
 Tom.  "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."
 %
+	"...A strange enigma is man!"
+	"Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested.
+	"Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes.  "He remarked
+that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he
+becomes a mathematical certainty.  You can, for example, never foretell what
+any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number
+will be up to.  Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant.  So says
+the statistician."
+		-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
+%
 	A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic.
 %
 	A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
@@ -1261,6 +1292,10 @@ a rattler?" persisted the woman.
 	"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
 who my real friends are."
 %
+	A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
+little pebble on the beach.  The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
+save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
+%
 	A young married couple had their first child.  Their original pride
 and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
 child had never uttered any form of speech.  They hired the best speech
@@ -1409,6 +1444,11 @@ impressed and they cheer again.  The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
 the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
 screams: "Anybody got a match?"
 %
+	An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
+time.  One was named Edith; the other named Kate.  They met, discovered they
+had the same fiancee, and told him.  "Get out of our lives you rascal.  We'll
+teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
+%
 	An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean.  He knows
 he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great
 restraint.
@@ -1499,6 +1539,16 @@ I have not been enlightened.  What should I do?"
 asked the father of his little son.
 	"Diet."
 %
+	"Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.
+	"None," Anita replied.  "She's having great difficulty finding
+someone qualified who is willing to accept the post."
+	"Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh.  "I'm not good for much, but I
+can at least make a decision."
+	"Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic
+young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most
+up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."
+		-- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"
+%
 	"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
 to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
 posh hotel.
@@ -1536,6 +1586,14 @@ Governor, and he vaporized.
 	Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with
 his shotgun.  "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!"
 %
+	"Are you police officers?"
+	"No, ma'am.  We're musicians."
+		-- The Blues Brothers
+%
+	"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
+	"No, Ma'am.  Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
+		-- Monty Python
+%
 	As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy
 for more than 15 percent of their life span.  The words "I am sorry" and "I
 am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary.  They will stab
@@ -1549,11 +1607,6 @@ for doing it."
 Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
 under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
 %
-Attempting to stop MySQL by buying companies around it is like trying
-to kill a dolphin by drinking the ocean.
-
-		-- Mårten Mickos
-%
 	Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
 	took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of
 his followers.
@@ -1568,6 +1621,12 @@ Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
 	Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
 		-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
 %
+	"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it,
+and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us.  "He is full
+of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come
+by their ignorance the hard way."
+		-- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
+%
 	Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
 and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the
 boat into the lake.  Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't
@@ -1585,6 +1644,9 @@ You understand me Leroy?  You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
 pier.  "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered.
 	"Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."
 %
+	"But Huey, you PROMISED!"
+	"Tell 'em I lied."
+%
 	By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in
 the South, were of the present standard gauge.  The southern roads were
 still five feet between rails.
@@ -1625,6 +1687,14 @@ Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension,
 Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe
 like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.
 %
+	"Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, which
+way I ought to go from here?"
+	"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said
+the Cat.
+	"I don't care much where--" said Alice.
+	"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
+		-- Lewis Carroll
+%
 	COMMENT
 
 Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
@@ -1700,6 +1770,10 @@ CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.
 	Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
 		-- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie"
 %
+	"Do you think there's a God?"
+	"Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
+		-- Calvin and Hobbs
+%
 	Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
 white electric blanket?  I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.
 
@@ -1720,6 +1794,11 @@ They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.  They used applied physics.
 They used techniques of criminology.  And what the hell, they caught him.
 		-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
 %
+	"Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?"
+	"Of course it's wrong!  It's illegal!"
+	"Well, I've never done anything illegal before."
+	"... I thought you said you were an accountant."
+%
 	Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether
 at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or
 "mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such
@@ -1819,6 +1898,9 @@ but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with
 energy policy and neither do you."
 		-- P. J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"
 %
+	"Fantasies are free."
+	"NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"
+%
 	Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
 other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
 the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
@@ -1892,23 +1974,6 @@ thoughts?"
 "What happened?"
 	"I was struck by the beauty of the place."
 %
-	A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all
-these stops and starts get you pretty worn out?"
-	"It isn't the stops and starts that get on my nerves, it's the
-jerks."
-%
-	An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
-time.  One was named Edith; the other named Kate.  They met, discovered they
-had the same fiancee, and told him.  "Get out of our lives you rascal.  We'll
-teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
-%
-	A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl.  He came back from
-his honeymoon a chastened man.  He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
-%
-	A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
-little pebble on the beach.  The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
-save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
-%
 	Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
 engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
 was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
@@ -2034,6 +2099,18 @@ have been worse?"
 	"Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
 dead right now."
 %
+	"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
+	"Yes; I don't have one."
+	"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..."
+		-- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington
+%
+	"Have you lived here all your life?"
+	"Oh, twice that long."
+%
+	"Hawk, we're going to die."
+	"Never say die... and certainly never say we."
+		-- M*A*S*H
+%
 	He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought
 until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to
 heal.  Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and
@@ -2064,6 +2141,20 @@ without darkening me.
 	"How would that help?"
 	"Used a whip."
 %
+	"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
+	"Whattaya need?"
+	"Oh, about $500."
+	"Whattaya got for collateral?"
+	"Whattaya need?"
+	"How about an eye?"
+		-- Sam Giancana
+%
+	"Hmm, lots of people seem to be confused about the difference
+between amd64 and ia64."
+	"Obviously they've never had an ia64 drop on their foot.  They'd
+know the difference then."
+		-- Peter Wemm explains CPU architecture
+%
 	Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
 willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
 for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location.  Notice I say
@@ -2087,6 +2178,20 @@ of her blonde companion.
 	"Fishing through the ice?  Whatever for?"
 	"Olives."
 %
+	"How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded.  "And why
+were you afraid to let her touch you?  I saw you.  You were afraid of her."
+	"I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
+replied without rancor.  "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were
+you.  As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
+deceived by appearances.  Unlike human beings, who enjoy them.  As for your
+second question --"  Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
+in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
+licked himself smooth again.  Even then he would not look at Molly, but
+examined his claws.
+	"If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
+hers and not my own, not ever again."
+		-- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
+%
 	"How many people work here?"
 	"Oh, about half."
 %
@@ -2220,6 +2325,26 @@ by subway."  Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot
 should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
 understand his long delay.
 %
+	I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me.
+I pushed "1" and he just stood there.  I said "Hi, where you going?"
+	He said, "Phoenix."  So I pushed Phoenix.  A few seconds later
+the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix.
+	I looked at him and said "You know, you're the kind of guy I
+want to hang around with."  We got into his car and drove out to his
+shack in the desert.
+	Then the phone rang.  He said "You get it."
+	I picked it up and said "Hello?"
+	The other side said "Is this Steven Wright?"
+	I said "Yes..."
+	The guy said "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from
+your bank.  It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the
+university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we
+loaned you.  We would just like to know what happened to the money?"
+	I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight.  I gave all
+of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...
+and I would appreciate it you never called me again."
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
 	"I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me.
 I think very probably he might be cured."
 	"That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob.
@@ -2242,6 +2367,10 @@ operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies."
 	"Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob.
 		-- H.G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind"
 %
+	"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
+	"Did you ever see a doctor?"
+	"No, just spots."
+%
 	I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments
 of others, and all positive assertion of my own.  I even forbade myself the use
 of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such
@@ -2313,6 +2442,24 @@ otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
 otherwise.'"
 		-- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
 %
+	I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."
+	He said, "What you need is to grow up, son."
+	I said, "Growin' up leads to growin' old, And then to dying, and
+to me that don't sound like much fun.
+		-- John Cougar, "The Authority Song"
+%
+	"I suppose you expect me to talk."
+	"No, Mr. Bond.  I expect you to die."
+		-- Goldfinger
+%
+	"I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
+	"Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of
+dairy products."
+		-- The Life of Brian
+%
+	"I thought you were trying to get into shape."
+	"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
+%
 	If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
 	On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
 that is also a psychological interaction.
@@ -2400,6 +2547,11 @@ pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left
 blank."
 		-- Alex Crain
 %
+	"I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after
+badly nicking a customer.  "Let me wrap your head in a towel."
+	"That's all right," said the customer.  "I'll just take it home
+under my arm."
+%
 	In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
 Junior, what are you up to?"
 	"I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
@@ -2551,6 +2703,11 @@ Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
 Three be the things I shall have till I die:
 Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
 %
+	"Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?"
+	"To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time."
+	"The dog did nothing in the night-time."
+	"That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes.
+%
 	It is a period of system war.  User programs, striking from a hidden
 directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire.
 During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the
@@ -2648,6 +2805,14 @@ under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
 icepacks.
 		-- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
 %
+	"It's a summons."
+	"What's a summons?"
+	"It means summon's in trouble."
+		-- Rocky and Bullwinkle
+%
+	"It's today!" said Piglet.
+	"My favorite day," said Pooh.
+%
 	Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has
 been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade.
 	"Why me?"  whines the boy.  "Three years ago I carried the flag
@@ -2728,9 +2893,20 @@ My love is like the pint of scotch
 And I shall love thee still, my dear,
 	Until my wife is wise.
 %
+	"Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years."
+	"What about X?"
+	"I said `intellectual'."
+		;login, 9/1990
+%
 	Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.
 Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max."
 %
+	"Mind if I smoke?"
+	"I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
+%
+	"Mind if I smoke?"
+	"Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"
+%
 	Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice.  "Just think of all
 the people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son."
 	Laughingly I felled her with a right cross.
@@ -2792,6 +2968,9 @@ looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
 So we're going back in a few years...
 		-- Julius H. Marx
 %
+	"My God!  Are we sure he was a liberal?"
+	"Pretty sure.  They pulled him from a Volvo."
+%
 	My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or
 even that they were always wrong.  Rather, I believe that science must be
 understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of
@@ -3451,6 +3630,10 @@ I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it."  He goes over to
 his terminal and runs his program.  Reading the output on the screen he says,
 "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..."
 %
+	She said, "I know you ... you cannot sing."
+	I said, "That's nothing, you should hear me play piano."
+		-- Morrisey
+%
 	"Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart."
 	"Oh, yeah?  What's he look like?"
 	"Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and
@@ -3489,6 +3672,13 @@ and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island
 until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
 		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
 %
+	"So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might
+want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime."
+	"Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David."
+	"Friday, then?"
+	"Why not, David, it might even be fun."
+		-- Dating in Minnesota
+%
 	Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a
 haven of tranquility in troubled times.  It's a good town, a civilized town.
 A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday.  Let
@@ -3583,6 +3773,9 @@ you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally
 broke and rolled back.
 		-- Hunter S. Thompson
 %
+	"Surely you can't be serious."
+	"I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."
+%
 	Take the folks at Coca-Cola.  For many years, they were content
 to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage.  It was a good
 beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
@@ -3733,6 +3926,17 @@ If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
 %
 	The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
 the subject of towels.
+	A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an
+interstellar hitchhiker can have.  Partly it has great practical value.
+You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons
+of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches
+of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River
+Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off
+with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
+		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+	The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
+the subject of towels.
 	Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value.  For
 some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel
 with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a
@@ -3744,17 +3948,6 @@ win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
 reckoned with.
 		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
 %
-	The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
-the subject of towels.
-	A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an
-interstellar hitchhiker can have.  Partly it has great practical value.
-You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons
-of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches
-of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River
-Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off
-with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
-		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
 	The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
 After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
 branch scraped her forehead lightly.  The groom dismounted, glared at his
@@ -3771,6 +3964,10 @@ shot the horse between the eyes.
 married!  You're a sadist, that's what!"
 	The groom turned to her coolly.  "That's one," he said.
 %
+	"The jig's up, Elman."
+	"Which jig?"
+		-- Jeff Elman
+%
 	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE
 
 Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
@@ -3951,6 +4148,12 @@ blocks of wood.  Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
 	The answer exists only in the Tao.
 		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
 %
+	"The pyramid is opening!"
+	"Which one?"
+	"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
+		-- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At
+		   Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
+%
 	The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the
 forest, hunting bear.  They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took
 their backpacks off and put them inside.  At which point the salesman turned
@@ -4069,6 +4272,11 @@ are for.  Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
 heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
 		-- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
 %
+	"Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
+	"NO! ... I mean Yes!  WHAT?"
+	"I'll put `maybe.'"
+		-- Bloom County
+%
 	THEORY
 Into love and out again,
 	Thus I went and thus I go.
@@ -4317,6 +4525,11 @@ was Carmen or Cohen.
 since, he's been talking about the good old dais.  His students planted a small
 orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots.
 %
+	"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
+	"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to
+food, right?"
+		-- MacNelley, "Shoe"
+%
 	"Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly.  "In the past year
 strange and fearful wonders I have seen.  Fields sown with barley reap
 crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts.
@@ -4463,6 +4676,11 @@ an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."
 	"It means the Thing to Do."
 	"As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly.
 %
+	"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"
+	"Piece of cake, Master?  Radial slice of baked confection ...
+coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
+		-- Dr. Who
+%
 	"We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation.  We
 had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said
 Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale.
@@ -4503,6 +4721,12 @@ I, B, and M.  That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
 	"I'm going to disconnect your brain."
 		-- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"
 %
+	"What are we going to do?"
+	"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions.  I'm looking
+for something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
+short initiation period."
+		-- Maddie and David, "Moonlighting"
+%
 	"What are you watching?"
 	"I don't know."
 	"Well, what's happening?"
@@ -4555,6 +4779,15 @@ computer repair.  Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
 it does.  We call it a two-by-four."
 		-- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe"
 %
+	"When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the
+assembled bar patrons.  A loud general cheer went up.  After downing his
+whiskey, he hopped onto a barstool and shouted "When I take another
+drink, *everybody* takes another drink!"  The announcement produced
+another cheer and another round of drinks.
+	As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back
+onto the stool.  "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto
+the bar, "*everybody* pays!"
+%
 	When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
 his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
 questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
@@ -4701,6 +4934,14 @@ there all right!  OK, just a sec...  <tappity clickity tap... save... compile>
 There, that ought to patch it.  Dist it out, wouldja?"
 		-- Cold Fusion, 1989
 %
+	"You are *so* lovely."
+	"Yes."
+	"Yes!  And you take a compliment, too!  I like that in a goddess."
+%
+	"You boys lookin' for trouble?"
+	"Sure.  Whaddya got?"
+		-- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
+%
 	"You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
 	"The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
 	"My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice.  "I
@@ -4808,12 +5049,6 @@ you are young.
 " "
 		-- Marcel Marceau
 %
-Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
-start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
-then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
-music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
-		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
-%
       /\
      \\ \
   / \ \\ /
@@ -5064,10 +5299,6 @@ III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
 	threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
 		-- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
 %
-I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
-pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
  1.  I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
  2.  The Nutcracker Swede
  3.  Santa Goes Round-The-World
@@ -5141,10 +5372,9 @@ astray by hunting and pecking.
 %
 ... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
 %
-And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
-your own.
-		-- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
-		   Preposterous Words
+... and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a
+courtesy detail.
+		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
 %
 ... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
 inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth.  Most notably I have
@@ -5222,11 +5452,6 @@ Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he
 knows them in the naming.
 		-- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
 %
-Gentlemen do not read each other's mail.
-		-- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down
-		   the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National
-		   Security Agency.
-%
 /* Haley */
 
 	(Haley's comment.)
@@ -5881,9 +6106,6 @@ You patch a bug, and dump it again:
 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
 101 blocks of crud on the disk!
 %
-A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.
-		-- Ben Franklin
-%
 A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice
 at one end and no responsibility at the other.
 %
@@ -6826,15 +7048,6 @@ I'm doing *great*!  How are you?"
 %
 A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?
 %
-	A horrible little boy came up to me and said, "You know in your
-book The Martian Chronicles?"
-	I said, "Yes?"
-	He said, "You know where you talk about Deimos rising in the
-East?"
-	I said, "Yes?"
-	He said "No." -- So I hit him.
-		-- attributed to Ray Bradbury
-%
 A horse!  A horse!  My kingdom for a horse!
 		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
 %
@@ -7016,6 +7229,8 @@ A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of
 trouble.
 		-- Adlai Stevenson
 %
+A life lived in fear is a life half lived.
+%
 A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent.
 %
 A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
@@ -7528,10 +7743,6 @@ A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
 %
 A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
 %
-	"A penny for your thoughts?"
-	"A dollar for your death."
-		-- The Odd Couple
-%
 A penny saved has not been spent.
 %
 A penny saved is a penny taxed.
@@ -8028,16 +8239,6 @@ Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
 %
 A stitch in time saves nine.
 %
-	"...A strange enigma is man!"
-	"Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested.
-	"Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes.  "He remarked
-that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he
-becomes a mathematical certainty.  You can, for example, never foretell what
-any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number
-will be up to.  Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant.  So says
-the statistician."
-		-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
-%
 A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
 		-- O'Henry
 %
@@ -8160,6 +8361,9 @@ A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
 drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.
 		-- Shaw
 %
+A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.
+		-- Ben Franklin
+%
 A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
 %
 A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
@@ -9027,16 +9231,16 @@ Kansas City.
 		-- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd
 		   been traded
 %
-Air, n.:
-	A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for
-	the fattening of the poor.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
 Air Force Inertia Axiom:
 	Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
 %
 Air is water with holes in it.
 %
+Air, n.:
+	A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for
+	the fattening of the poor.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
 Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
 %
 Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
@@ -10166,6 +10370,11 @@ And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.
 %
 And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
 %
+And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
+your own.
+		-- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
+		   Preposterous Words
+%
 ...and report cards I was always afraid to show
 Mama'd come to school
 and as I'd sit there softly cryin'
@@ -10215,10 +10424,6 @@ white children begin with a small separation but increase it during
 growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress.
 		-- S. J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation"
 %
-... and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a
-courtesy detail.
-		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
 And the silence came surging softly backwards
 When the plunging hooves were gone...
 		-- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"
@@ -10465,16 +10670,6 @@ liable to a fine of one pound.  Any animal leading a blind person shall
 be deemed to be a cat.
 		-- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
 %
-	"Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.
-	"None," Anita replied.  "She's having great difficulty finding
-someone qualified who is willing to accept the post."
-	"Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh.  "I'm not good for much, but I
-can at least make a decision."
-	"Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic
-young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most
-up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."
-		-- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"
-%
 Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
 		-- Sydney J. Harris
 %
@@ -10513,6 +10708,10 @@ Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
 		-- Arthur C. Clarke
 %
+Any sufficiently simple directive can be obfuscated beyond reason
+given proper legal counsel.
+		-- Alfred Perlstein
+%
 Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
 something.
 %
@@ -10828,36 +11027,8 @@ Are you a turtle?
 %
 Are you making all this up as you go along?
 %
-	"Are you police officers?"
-	"No, ma'am.  We're musicians."
-		-- The Blues Brothers
-%
 Are you sure the back door is locked?
 %
-	"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
-	"No, Ma'am.  Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
-		-- Monty Python
-%
-Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
-
-Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
-Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
-Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
-Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
-Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
-Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
-	or so pencils from marking the cloth?
-Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
-Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do?
-Is Batman your hero?  Superman?  Green Lantern?  The Shadow?
-Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?
-
-0-2  -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
-3-5  -- There is hope for you yet.
-6-7  -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
-8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
-11+  -- Does suicide seem attractive?
-%
 Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
 		-- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
 %
@@ -11518,6 +11689,11 @@ or street lamp.
 Atlee is a very modest man.  And with reason.
 		-- Winston Churchill
 %
+Attempting to stop MySQL by buying companies around it is like trying
+to kill a dolphin by drinking the ocean.
+
+		-- Mårten Mickos
+%
 Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda
 decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a
 lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many
@@ -11827,6 +12003,11 @@ Be valiant, but not too venturous.
 Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
 		-- John Lyly
 %
+beachhead:
+In marketing: a small piece of a market over which you gain control and
+from which you go out to control other pieces of the market.
+In war: where soldiers die.
+%
 Beam me up, Scotty!
 %
 Beam me up, Scotty!  It ate my phaser!
@@ -11911,6 +12092,10 @@ Before you ask more questions, think about whether
 you really want to know the answers.
 		-- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
 %
+Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
+That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
+their shoes.
+%
 Begathon, n.:
 	A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
 you won't have to watch commercials.
@@ -12225,12 +12410,6 @@ shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
 %
 Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
 %
-	"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it,
-and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us.  "He is full
-of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come
-by their ignorance the hard way."
-		-- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
-%
 Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything
 is possible but nothing of interest is easy.
 %
@@ -12831,9 +13010,6 @@ But has any little atom,
 Ever stopped to think or CARE
 	That E = m c**2 ?
 %
-	"But Huey, you PROMISED!"
-	"Tell 'em I lied."
-%
 But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.
 I meant no harm;  I just liked the explosions.  And I was careful never to
 kill more than I could eat.
@@ -13444,14 +13620,6 @@ Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
 Cheops' Law:
 	Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
 %
-	"Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, which
-way I ought to go from here?"
-	"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said
-the Cat.
-	"I don't care much where--" said Alice.
-	"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
-		-- Lewis Carroll
-%
 Chess tonight.
 %
 Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
@@ -13640,10 +13808,6 @@ Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling
 the walk before it stops snowing.
 		-- Phyllis Diller
 %
-There is no need to do any housework at all.  After the first four years
-the dirt doesn't get any worse.
-		-- Quentin Crisp
-%
 Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
 		-- P. J. O'Rourke
 %
@@ -14198,12 +14362,12 @@ to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
 stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
 interface devices.
 %
+Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.
+%
 Conquering the world on horseback is easy; it is dismounting and
 governing that is hard.
 		-- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
 %
-Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.
-%
 Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
 		-- Shakespeare
 %
@@ -14606,6 +14770,20 @@ David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":
 	* Our well-behaved golf professionals
 	* Fabulous babes coast to coast
 %
+David Sarnoff, 1964: "The computer will become the hub of a vast network of
+remote data stations and information banks feeding into the machine at
+a transmission rate of a billion or more bits of information a
+second. Laser channels will vastly increase both data capacity and the
+speeds with which it will be transmitted.  Eventually, a global
+communications network handling voice, data and facsimile will
+instantly link man to machine--or machine to machine--by land, air,
+underwater, and space circuits. [The computer] will affect man's
+ways of thinking, his means of education, his relationship to his physical
+and social environment, and it will alter his ways of living...
+[Before the end of this century, these forces] will coalesce into what
+unquestionably will become the greatest adventure of the human mind."
+		-- Eugene Lyons, "David Sarnoff" 1966
+%
 Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
 	The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
 	1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
@@ -15578,10 +15756,6 @@ Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
 just whipped out a quarter?
 		-- Steven Wright
 %
-	"Do you think there's a God?"
-	"Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
-		-- Calvin and Hobbs
-%
 Do you think your mother and I should have lived
 comfortably so long together if ever we had been married?
 %
@@ -15915,11 +16089,6 @@ Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
 %
 Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
 %
-	"Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?"
-	"Of course it's wrong!  It's illegal!"
-	"Well, I've never done anything illegal before."
-	"... I thought you said you were an accountant."
-%
 Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely
 want to help you could agree with each other?
 %
@@ -16906,6 +17075,12 @@ Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.
 
 It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
 %
+Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
+start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
+then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
+music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
+		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
+%
 Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!
 But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and
 when they aren't.
@@ -17443,9 +17618,6 @@ Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have
 forgotten your aim.
 		-- George Santayana
 %
-	"Fantasies are free."
-	"NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"
-%
 Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
 former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.
 
@@ -19529,6 +19701,8 @@ General notions are generally wrong.
 Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.
 		-- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645
 %
+Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
+%
 Generic Fortune.
 %
 Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
@@ -19591,6 +19765,11 @@ of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:
 		-- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office,
 		   London, 1812
 %
+Gentlemen do not read each other's mail.
+		-- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down
+		   the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National
+		   Security Agency.
+%
 Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's
 old girl friend.
 %
@@ -19717,6 +19896,9 @@ Ginsburg's Law:
 %
 GIVE:	Support the helpless victims of computer error.
 %
+Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
+and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
+%
 Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
 Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
 		-- Calvin Keegan
@@ -20792,11 +20974,6 @@ coin toss.
 %
 Has anyone ever tasted an "end"?  Are they really bitter?
 %
-	"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
-	"Yes; I don't have one."
-	"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..."
-		-- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington
-%
 Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed
 with the left hand?  Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard
 was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands.
@@ -20892,9 +21069,6 @@ never find the time for play?
 %
 Have you flogged your kid today?
 %
-	"Have you lived here all your life?"
-	"Oh, twice that long."
-%
 Have you locked your file cabinet?
 %
 Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy,
@@ -20973,10 +21147,6 @@ the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
 	"At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big
 dog, too!"
 %
-	"Hawk, we're going to die."
-	"Never say die... and certainly never say we."
-		-- M*A*S*H
-%
 Hawkeye's Conclusion:
 	It's not easy to play the clown
 	when you've got to run the whole circus.
@@ -21326,6 +21496,10 @@ lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
 		-- Redd Foxx
 %
 Hear about...
+	the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?
+	Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
+%
+Hear about...
 	the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she
 	would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea?
 %
@@ -21349,10 +21523,6 @@ Hear about...
 	typewriter's ribbon?
 %
 Hear about...
-	the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?
-	Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
-%
-Hear about...
 	the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery?
 	One fortunate cookie...
 %
@@ -21624,14 +21794,6 @@ HEY KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:
 	tell a lie.  Millions of hearts have been broken, just because
 	these words were spoken.
 %
-	"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
-	"Whattaya need?"
-	"Oh, about $500."
-	"Whattaya got for collateral?"
-	"Whattaya need?"
-	"How about an eye?"
-		-- Sam Giancana
-%
 Hey, what do you expect from a culture that
 *drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*?
 		-- Gallagher
@@ -21890,12 +22052,6 @@ Hlade's Law:
 	If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person --
 	they will find an easier way to do it.
 %
-	"Hmm, lots of people seem to be confused about the difference
-between amd64 and ia64."
-	"Obviously they've never had an ia64 drop on their foot.  They'd
-know the difference then."
-		-- Peter Wemm explains CPU architecture
-%
 Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents:
 An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel.
 
@@ -22138,20 +22294,6 @@ How do I love thee?  My accumulator overflows.
 How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
 		-- Elliot, "E.T."
 %
-	"How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded.  "And why
-were you afraid to let her touch you?  I saw you.  You were afraid of her."
-	"I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
-replied without rancor.  "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were
-you.  As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
-deceived by appearances.  Unlike human beings, who enjoy them.  As for your
-second question --"  Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
-in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
-licked himself smooth again.  Even then he would not look at Molly, but
-examined his claws.
-	"If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
-hers and not my own, not ever again."
-		-- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
-%
 How doth the little crocodile
 	Improve his shining tail,
 And pour the waters of the Nile
@@ -22182,9 +22324,6 @@ How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.
 How many "coming men" has one known!  Where on earth do they all go to?
 		-- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero
 %
-How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
-None: "We'll document it in the manual."
-%
 "How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being
 carried by a waiter at a nice party?"
 
@@ -22198,6 +22337,9 @@ cheese!" and so on.
 %
 How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
 %
+How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
+None: "We'll document it in the manual."
+%
 How many weeks are there in a light year?
 %
 How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
@@ -23208,26 +23350,6 @@ I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
 I go the way that Providence dictates.
 		-- Adolf Hitler
 %
-	I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me.
-I pushed "1" and he just stood there.  I said "Hi, where you going?"
-	He said, "Phoenix."  So I pushed Phoenix.  A few seconds later
-the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix.
-	I looked at him and said "You know, you're the kind of guy I
-want to hang around with."  We got into his car and drove out to his
-shack in the desert.
-	Then the phone rang.  He said "You get it."
-	I picked it up and said "Hello?"
-	The other side said "Is this Steven Wright?"
-	I said "Yes..."
-	The guy said "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from
-your bank.  It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the
-university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we
-loaned you.  We would just like to know what happened to the money?"
-	I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight.  I gave all
-of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...
-and I would appreciate it you never called me again."
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
 I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.  Now
 when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
 farther, trying to see it clearly)...  and says, "Here, you can go."
@@ -23702,10 +23824,6 @@ I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field.
 I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
 		-- Bill Hoest
 %
-	"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
-	"Did you ever see a doctor?"
-	"No, just spots."
-%
 I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.
 I haven't had time for tobacco since.
 		-- Arturo Toscanini
@@ -23901,6 +24019,21 @@ I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
 I met a wonderful new man.  He's fictional, but you can't have everything.
 		-- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"
 %
+I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
+Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
+	S-O-D-A soda
+I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
+I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
+	Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
+
+Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
+A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
+	Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
+Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
+How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
+	Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
+		-- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks
+%
 I met my latest girl friend in a department store.  She was looking at
 clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.
 		-- Steven Wright
@@ -24187,12 +24320,6 @@ countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
 if they don't get it.
 		-- Mark Twain
 %
-	I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."
-	He said, "What you need is to grow up, son."
-	I said, "Growin' up leads to growin' old, And then to dying, and
-to me that don't sound like much fun.
-		-- John Cougar, "The Authority Song"
-%
 I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink...
 and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
 %
@@ -24407,10 +24534,6 @@ are worth considering, to wit:
 I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad
 thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.
 %
-	"I suppose you expect me to talk."
-	"No, Mr. Bond.  I expect you to die."
-		-- Goldfinger
-%
 I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it
 is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh.
 		-- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain"
@@ -24443,11 +24566,6 @@ I think a relationship is like a shark.  It has to constantly move forward
 or it dies.  Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
 		-- Woody Allen
 %
-	"I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
-	"Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of
-dairy products."
-		-- The Life of Brian
-%
 I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
 		-- Shakespeare
 %
@@ -24594,8 +24712,9 @@ working for scale.
 %
 I thought YOU silenced the guard!
 %
-	"I thought you were trying to get into shape."
-	"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
+I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
+pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!
+		-- Winston Churchill
 %
 I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle
 of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes.
@@ -25454,6 +25573,8 @@ If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
 %
 If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
 %
+If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
+%
 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
 		-- W. E. Hickson
 %
@@ -26690,6 +26811,9 @@ you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast.
 If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
 365 useless things.
 %
+If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
+probably worth it.
+%
 If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven.
 %
 If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
@@ -27216,9 +27340,6 @@ I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees.  And I want to
  thank everyone for making this night necessary.
 		-- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor
 %
-Oh no my dear, I'm a very good man.  I'm just a very bad wizard.
-		-- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
-%
 I'm all for computer dating, but I
 wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
 %
@@ -27431,11 +27552,6 @@ I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
 I'm successful because I'm lucky.
 The harder I work, the luckier I get.
 %
-	"I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after
-badly nicking a customer.  "Let me wrap your head in a towel."
-	"That's all right," said the customer.  "I'll just take it home
-under my arm."
-%
 I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
 I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
 In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
@@ -28042,21 +28158,6 @@ this was for practice; then he made school boards.
 In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
 the proper order then why can't he?
 %
-I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
-Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
-	S-O-D-A soda
-I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
-I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
-	Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
-
-Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
-A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
-	Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
-Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
-How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
-	Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
-		-- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks
-%
 In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.
 		-- Joseph Stalin
 %
@@ -28520,11 +28621,6 @@ Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
 %
 Is that really YOU that is reading this?
 %
-	"Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?"
-	"To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time."
-	"The dog did nothing in the night-time."
-	"That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes.
-%
 Is there life before breakfast?
 %
 Is this really happening?
@@ -29552,11 +29648,6 @@ when you lose yours.
 It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
 		-- Steven Wright
 %
-	"It's a summons."
-	"What's a summons?"
-	"It means summon's in trouble."
-		-- Rocky and Bullwinkle
-%
 It's a very *_U_N*lucky week in which to be took dead.
 		-- Churchy La Femme
 %
@@ -29875,9 +29966,6 @@ boy gets another beer.
 %
 It's the thought, if any, that counts!
 %
-	"It's today!" said Piglet.
-	"My favorite day," said Pooh.
-%
 It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're
 madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
 %
@@ -31514,6 +31602,11 @@ Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
 Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
 		-- Dag Hammarskjold
 %
+Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention
+of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but
+rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out,
+and loudly proclaiming --WOW---What A RIDE!!
+%
 Life Sucks.  Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but
 certain not to find her.  Drop me a note.  I'll call you, we'll talk and
 I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can
@@ -32241,11 +32334,6 @@ Ma Bell is a mean mother!
 %
 MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator?  Never heard of that.
 %
-	"Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years."
-	"What about X?"
-	"I said `intellectual'."
-		;login, 9/1990
-%
 Machine-Independent, adj.:
 	Does not run on any existing machine.
 %
@@ -33333,12 +33421,6 @@ But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
 shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for.  You will therefore permit
 me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
 %
-	"Mind if I smoke?"
-	"I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
-%
-	"Mind if I smoke?"
-	"Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"
-%
 Mind your own business, Spock.  I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
 %
 Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine.
@@ -33416,8 +33498,6 @@ Mix's Law:
 	There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
 	There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
 %
-Moebius strippers never show you their back side.
-%
 MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
 
   Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie	36 RITZ Crackers
@@ -33488,6 +33568,8 @@ Joe:	The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
 %
 Moebius always does it on the same side.
 %
+Moebius strippers never show you their back side.
+%
 Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly.  An aide once asked him
 how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week.
 The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.
@@ -33526,16 +33608,16 @@ Mom's Law:
 	When they finally do have to take you to the
 	hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new.
 %
-Monday, n.:
-	In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
 Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
 %
 Monday, n.:
 	In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
 		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
 %
+Monday, n.:
+	In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
 Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
 things we have.
 		-- The Best of Will Rogers
@@ -34096,9 +34178,6 @@ My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer.  First
 she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her.  This summer I'm going to go
 back and dig her up.
 %
-	"My God!  Are we sure he was a liberal?"
-	"Pretty sure.  They pulled him from a Volvo."
-%
 My God, I'm depressed!  Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times
 as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending
 mail about softball games.  And I've got this pain right through my ALU.
@@ -34629,6 +34708,8 @@ Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
 Never make anything simple and efficient when a
 way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
 %
+Never miss a good chance to shut up.
+%
 Never negotiate with the United States unless you have a nuclear
 weapon.
 		-- Former deputy defense minister of India
@@ -34691,6 +34772,8 @@ do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
 		-- Steinbach
 %
+Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
+%
 Never trust a child farther than you can throw it.
 %
 Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
@@ -34786,10 +34869,6 @@ Newman's Discovery:
 	Your best dreams may not come true;
 	fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
 %
-Newspaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
-print the chaff.
-		-- Adlai Stevenson
-%
 NEWS FLASH!!
 	Today the East German pole-vault champion
 	became the West German pole-vault champion.
@@ -34801,6 +34880,10 @@ NEWSFLASH!!
 1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down.
 It was.  Age 31.
 %
+Newspaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
+print the chaff.
+		-- Adlai Stevenson
+%
 Newton's Fourth Law:  Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
 %
 Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
@@ -35399,17 +35482,6 @@ No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good
 intentions.  He had money as well.
 		-- Margaret Thatcher
 %
-Norm:  Gentlemen, start your taps.
-		-- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter
-
-Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
-Norm:  Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
-		-- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's
-
-Coach: How's life, Norm?
-Norm:  Not for the squeamish, Coach.
-		-- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants
-%
 Norm:	Hey, everybody.
 All:	[silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]
 Norm:	[Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.]
@@ -35427,6 +35499,17 @@ Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
 Norm:  Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.
 		-- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone
 %
+Norm:  Gentlemen, start your taps.
+		-- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter
+
+Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
+Norm:  Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
+		-- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's
+
+Coach: How's life, Norm?
+Norm:  Not for the squeamish, Coach.
+		-- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants
+%
 [Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
 
 Coach:  Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
@@ -36255,6 +36338,9 @@ Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts --
 it's what you do with what you have left.
 		-- Hubert H. Humphrey
 %
+Oh no my dear, I'm a very good man.  I'm just a very bad wizard.
+		-- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
+%
 Oh, so there you are!
 %
 Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea.
@@ -36266,6 +36352,12 @@ He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
 Oh this age!  How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
 		-- Gaius Valerius Catullus
 %
+Oh wad some power the giftie gie us
+To see oursel's as others see us!
+It wad frae monie a blunder free us,
+And foolish notion.
+		-- Robert Burns, National Poet of Scotland, 1759-1796
+%
 Oh wearisome condition of humanity!
 Born under one law, to another bound.
 		-- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke
@@ -37176,6 +37268,13 @@ with the grin that apes a smile.  Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible
 to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment
 but death.  It is hereditary, but not contagious.
 %
+Optimist:
+	Someone who goes down to the marriage
+	bureau to see if his license has expired.
+%
+Optimist, n:
+	A bagpiper with a beeper.
+%
 Optimist, n.:
 	A proponent of the belief that black is white.
 
@@ -37187,13 +37286,6 @@ would justify them."
 something -- the mortality of the optimist."
 		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
 %
-Optimist:
-	Someone who goes down to the marriage
-	bureau to see if his license has expired.
-%
-Optimist, n:
-	A bagpiper with a beeper.
-%
 Optimization hinders evolution.
 %
 Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.
@@ -37538,11 +37630,6 @@ PARTY:
 	A gathering where you meet people who drink
 	so much you can't even remember their names.
 %
-Pascal, n.:
-	A programming language named after a man who would turn over
-	in his grave if he knew about it.
-		-- Datamation, January 15, 1984
-%
 Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.
 		-- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan
 %
@@ -37552,6 +37639,11 @@ Pascal is not a high-level language.
 Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat.
 		-- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
 %
+Pascal, n.:
+	A programming language named after a man who would turn over
+	in his grave if he knew about it.
+		-- Datamation, January 15, 1984
+%
 Pascal Users:
 	The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol.
 	Please modify your programs accordingly.
@@ -37608,6 +37700,9 @@ patent:
 Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.
 		-- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers
 %
+Patience is long forgotten by convenience in this life.
+		-- Carmen Caicedo Giraudy
+%
 Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
 		-- Titus Maccius Plautus
 %
@@ -37626,9 +37721,6 @@ he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform.
 Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
 		-- Boies Penrose
 %
-Patience is long forgotten by convenience in this life.
-		-- Carmen Caicedo Giraudy
-%
 Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
 		-- Oscar Wilde
 %
@@ -38539,14 +38631,14 @@ Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
 Praise the sea; on shore remain.
 		-- John Florio
 %
+Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
+		-- Russian Proverb
+%
 Pray, v:
 	To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
 	of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
 		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
 %
-Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
-		-- Russian Proverb
-%
 Predestination was doomed from the start.
 %
 Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
@@ -38819,6 +38911,12 @@ Pryor's Observation:
 	How long you live has nothing to do
 	with how long you are going to be dead.
 %
+PS: This message is not intended to supply the minimum
+daily requirement of serious thought.  Consult your doctor
+or pharmacist, but not the one that just sent you electronic
+junk mail or promises to make explicit drugs fast.
+		-- taken from Norman Wilson's .sig
+%
 Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.  Check
 three friends.  If they're OK, you're it.
 %
@@ -38983,6 +39081,9 @@ A:	He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
 Q:	How did the regular expression cross the road?
 A:	^.*$
 %
+Q:	How did you get into artificial intelligence?
+A:	Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
+%
 Q:	How do you catch a unique rabbit?
 A:	Unique up on it!
 
@@ -39071,6 +39172,12 @@ A:	The door won't shut.
 Q:	How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
 A:	There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
 %
+Q:	How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A:	Two.  One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
+	itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
+	reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
+	maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
+%
 Q:	How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
 A:	None.  We'll fix it in software.
 
@@ -39155,6 +39262,9 @@ A:	You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.  Now, if
 Q:	How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
 A:	I'll have to get back to you on that.
 %
+Q:	How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A:	One and a half.
+%
 Q:	How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
 A:	None:  The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
 %
@@ -39213,6 +39323,10 @@ A:	Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
 Q:	How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb?
 A:	One.
 %
+Q:	How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
+A:	None.  The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
+	of the way.
+%
 Q:	How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
 A:	2 bits.
 %
@@ -39227,6 +39341,20 @@ Q:	Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
 A:	Easy.  It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
 	bottles into the typewriter.
 %
+Q:	Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.
+	What should I do?
+A:	Post the correct answer at once!  We can't have people go on
+	believing that!  Very good of you to spot this.  You'll probably
+	be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can.
+	No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if
+	somebody else has made the correction.
+
+	And it's not good enough to send the message by mail.  Since you're
+	the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have
+	to inform the whole net right away!
+		-- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions
+		   on Netiquette"
+%
 Q:	What did one regular expression say to the other?
 A:	.+
 %
@@ -39332,6 +39460,10 @@ Q:	What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
 	sheep bites you?
 A:	Ewe nicks.
 %
+Q:	What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international
+	standard?
+A:	You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
+%
 Q:	What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
 A:	An offer you can't understand.
 %
@@ -39415,6 +39547,9 @@ A:	Nothing.
 Q:	What regular expression do you often see around Christmas?
 A:	[^L]
 %
+Q:	What's a light-year?
+A:	One-third less calories than a regular year.
+%
 Q:	What's black and white and red all over?
 A:	Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
 %
@@ -39459,6 +39594,12 @@ A:	The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
 Q.	What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?
 A.	Yogurt has a living, active culture.
 %
+Q:	What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
+A:	The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
+%
+Q:	What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
+A:	The Titanic had a band.
+%
 Q:	What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
 A:	A canary with the super-user password.
 %
@@ -39510,6 +39651,9 @@ A:	Because he left a residue at every pole.
 Q:	Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
 A:	Because that was her name.
 %
+Q:	Why did the tachyon cross the road?
+A:	Because it was on the other side.
+%
 Q:	Why did the WASP cross the road?
 A:	To get to the middle.
 %
@@ -39572,52 +39716,6 @@ A:	'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
 Q:	Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
 A:	It wasn't IBM compatible.
 %
-Q:	How did you get into artificial intelligence?
-A:	Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
-%
-Q:	How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A:	Two.  One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
-	itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
-	reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
-	maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
-%
-Q:	How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A:	One and a half.
-%
-Q:	How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-A:	None.  The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
-	of the way.
-%
-Q:	What's a light-year?
-A:	One-third less calories than a regular year.
-%
-Q:	Why did the tachyon cross the road?
-A:	Because it was on the other side.
-%
-Q:	Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.
-	What should I do?
-A:	Post the correct answer at once!  We can't have people go on
-	believing that!  Very good of you to spot this.  You'll probably
-	be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can.
-	No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if
-	somebody else has made the correction.
-
-	And it's not good enough to send the message by mail.  Since you're
-	the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have
-	to inform the whole net right away!
-		-- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions
-		   on Netiquette"
-%
-Q:	What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international
-	standard?
-A:	You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
-A:	The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
-A:	The Titanic had a band.
-%
 QED.
 %
 QOTD:
@@ -39627,6 +39725,10 @@ QOTD:
 	"A child of 5 could understand this!  Fetch me a child of 5."
 %
 QOTD:
+	"A lack of advanced planning on your part does not constitute
+	an emergency on my part."
+%
+QOTD:
 	"A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."
 %
 QOTD:
@@ -39651,6 +39753,10 @@ QOTD:
 	I go to work."
 %
 QOTD:
+	"Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now
+	too late to punish."
+%
+QOTD:
 	"Flash!  Flash!  I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to
 	save the earth!"
 %
@@ -39687,6 +39793,11 @@ QOTD:
 	"I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."
 %
 QOTD:
+	"I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
+	then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble.'"
+		-- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
+%
+QOTD:
 	"I love your outfit, does it come in your size?"
 %
 QOTD:
@@ -39732,6 +39843,10 @@ QOTD:
 	"I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."
 %
 QOTD:
+	"I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
+		-- Kathy Ireland
+%
+QOTD:
 	"I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the
 	dog for dinner."
 %
@@ -39789,6 +39904,9 @@ QOTD:
 	hands in his own pockets."
 %
 QOTD:
+	"It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
+%
+QOTD:
 	"It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."
 %
 QOTD:
@@ -39869,12 +39987,18 @@ QOTD:
 	"Oh, no, no...  I'm not beautiful.  Just very, very pretty."
 %
 QOTD:
+	"On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say...  oh, somewhere in there."
+%
+QOTD:
 	"Our parents were never our age."
 %
 QOTD:
 	"Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
 %
 QOTD:
+	"Sacred cows make great hamburgers."
+%
+QOTD:
 	"Say, you look pretty athletic.  What say we put a pair of tennis
 	shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
 %
@@ -39909,6 +40033,10 @@ QOTD:
 	the snakes have gone away."
 %
 QOTD:
+	"The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the
+	gerbil has more dark meat."
+%
+QOTD:
 	"There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."
 %
 QOTD:
@@ -39950,36 +40078,6 @@ QOTD:
 QOTD:
 	"You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
 %
-QOTD:
-	"Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now
-	too late to punish."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
-	then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble.'"
-		-- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
-		-- Kathy Ireland
-%
-QOTD:
-	"It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"A lack of advanced planning on your part does not constitute
-	an emergency on my part."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say...  oh, somewhere in there."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Sacred cows make great hamburgers."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the
-	gerbil has more dark meat."
-%
 Quack!
 	Quack!! Quack!!
 %
@@ -40089,6 +40187,26 @@ Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.
 Rascal, am I?  Take THAT!
 		-- Errol Flynn
 %
+Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
+
+Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
+Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
+Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
+Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
+Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
+Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
+	or so pencils from marking the cloth?
+Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
+Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do?
+Is Batman your hero?  Superman?  Green Lantern?  The Shadow?
+Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?
+
+0-2  -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
+3-5  -- There is hope for you yet.
+6-7  -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
+8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
+11+  -- Does suicide seem attractive?
+%
 Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I
 saw at the airport...  Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer
 magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store.  Does it
@@ -40967,6 +41085,16 @@ Ted:	"Sharing"?  "Trust"?  You're really asking me to sail into
 		uncharted waters here.
 		-- Sally Forth
 %
+Sam:	What's going on, Normie?
+Norm:	My birthday, Sammy.  Give me a beer, stick a candle in
+	it, and I'll blow out my liver.
+		-- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone
+
+Woody:	Hey, Mr. P.  How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
+Norm:	Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
+	Found him every couple of blocks.
+		-- Cheers, Head Over Hill
+%
 Sam:   What do you know there, Norm?
 Norm:  How to sit.  How to drink.  Want to quiz me?
 		-- Cheers, Loverboyd
@@ -41008,16 +41136,6 @@ Sam:  Still pouring, Norm?
 Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
 		-- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare
 %
-Sam:	What's going on, Normie?
-Norm:	My birthday, Sammy.  Give me a beer, stick a candle in
-	it, and I'll blow out my liver.
-		-- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone
-
-Woody:	Hey, Mr. P.  How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
-Norm:	Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
-	Found him every couple of blocks.
-		-- Cheers, Head Over Hill
-%
 Sam:  What's new, Norm?
 Norm: Most of my wife.
 		-- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One
@@ -41739,10 +41857,6 @@ She often gave herself very good advice
 She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.
 		-- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance
 %
-	She said, "I know you ... you cannot sing."
-	I said, "That's nothing, you should hear me play piano."
-		-- Morrisey
-%
 She say, Miss Colie, You better hush.  God might hear you.
 Let 'im hear me, I say.  If he ever listened to poor colored
 women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.
@@ -42303,13 +42417,6 @@ He knows if you've been bad or good,
 He has ties with the CIA.
 So...
 %
-	"So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might
-want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime."
-	"Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David."
-	"Friday, then?"
-	"Why not, David, it might even be fun."
-		-- Dating in Minnesota
-%
 So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh?  In reality
 all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have
 tomorrow, why, it already happened.  You see, it's just a little universal
@@ -42388,6 +42495,8 @@ Some circumstantial evidence is very strong,
 as when you find a trout in the milk.
 		-- Thoreau
 %
+Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
+%
 Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
 %
 Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
@@ -43373,9 +43482,6 @@ Sure there are dishonest men in local government.  But there are dishonest
 men in national government too.
 		-- Richard M. Nixon
 %
-	"Surely you can't be serious."
-	"I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."
-%
 Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.
 %
 Surprise!  You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit!
@@ -43706,12 +43812,6 @@ Technicality, n.:
 	affirm the death of the cook, that being only an inference.
 		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
 %
-Teeth for meat is in mouth
-Teeth for human is in soul.
-Win one with your body strength
-Win many with your mind strength
-		-- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
-%
 Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow
 is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see
 before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw
@@ -43728,6 +43828,12 @@ Technological progress has merely provided us
 with more efficient means for going backwards.
 		-- Aldous Huxley
 %
+Teeth for meat is in mouth
+Teeth for human is in soul.
+Win one with your body strength
+Win many with your mind strength
+		-- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
+%
 Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.
 		-- Geoffrey Chaucer
 %
@@ -43914,6 +44020,11 @@ That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver.
 %
 That does not compute.
 %
+...that FC loop thing sucks.
+So I decided to stick to my good old philosophy: "if it has tits,
+wheels or FC loops it will give you problem!"
+		-- storage engineer on the virtues of FC-AL
+%
 That feeling just came over me.
 		-- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler"
 %
@@ -44013,12 +44124,6 @@ That's where the money was.
 It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
 		-- Willie Sutton
 %
-The White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
-	"Where shall I begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked.
-	"Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely,
-"and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
-		-- Lewis Carroll
-%
 The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.
 		-- R. B. Greenberg
 %
@@ -46270,10 +46375,6 @@ Commandments.  Finally a tired Moses came into sight.
 good news is that I got Him down to ten.  The bad news is that adultery's
 still in."
 %
-	"The jig's up, Elman."
-	"Which jig?"
-		-- Jeff Elman
-%
 The Junior God now heads the roll
 In the list of heaven's peers;
 He sits in the House of High Control,
@@ -46866,6 +46967,15 @@ The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
 devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
 		-- Lew Mammel, Jr.
 %
+The Microsoft Exchange MTA Stacks service depends on the Microsoft Exchange
+System Attendant service which failed to start because of the following
+error:
+
+The operation completed successfully.
+
+For more information, see Help and Support Center at
+http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/events.asp.
+%
 The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
 %
 The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another
@@ -47834,12 +47944,6 @@ The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're
 not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not
 engineers.
 %
-	"The pyramid is opening!"
-	"Which one?"
-	"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
-		-- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At
-		   Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
-%
 The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:
 	"My brain is paged out to my liver"
 %
@@ -48968,6 +49072,12 @@ The weed of crime bears bitter fruit...
 but the leaves are good to smoke!
 		-- The Shadow
 %
+The White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
+	"Where shall I begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked.
+	"Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely,
+"and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
+		-- Lewis Carroll
+%
 The white race is the cancer of history.
 		-- Susan Sontag
 %
@@ -49333,11 +49443,6 @@ to the "W" on the dial.
 Moral:
 	He who has a Tates is lost!
 %
-	"Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
-	"NO! ... I mean Yes!  WHAT?"
-	"I'll put `maybe.'"
-		-- Bloom County
-%
 Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand
 it.  The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.
 		-- Elbert Hubbard
@@ -49663,6 +49768,8 @@ We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
 There are two problems with a major hangover.  You feel
 like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.
 %
+There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
+%
 There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before
 marriage and after marriage.
 %
@@ -49960,6 +50067,10 @@ armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
 There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.
 		-- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
 %
+There is no need to do any housework at all.  After the first four years
+the dirt doesn't get any worse.
+		-- Quentin Crisp
+%
 There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.
 		-- George Francis Gillette
 %
@@ -51516,6 +51627,11 @@ oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.
 To add insult to injury.
 		-- Phaedrus
 %
+To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are
+to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and
+servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public."
+		--  Theodore Roosevelt
+%
 To any truly impartial person, it would
 be obvious that I am always right.
 %
@@ -51685,12 +51801,12 @@ To err is human, to forgive, infrequent.
 To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
 		-- MIT Assassination Club
 %
-To err is human, two curs canine.
-To err is human, to moo bovine.
-%
 To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.
 		-- Benjamin Franklin
 %
+To err is human, two curs canine.
+To err is human, to moo bovine.
+%
 To err is human.
 To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.
 %
@@ -52668,11 +52784,6 @@ leaves.  He drifts lazily through the soft foliage.  Soon he starts
 coughing and drops dead.
 		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
 %
-	"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
-	"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to
-food, right?"
-		-- MacNelley, "Shoe"
-%
 Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
 	Never use your thumb for a rule.
 	You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
@@ -53138,12 +53249,6 @@ TAX-DEFERRED!
 VUJA DE:
 	The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.
 %
-Oh wad some power the giftie gie us
-To see oursel's as others see us!
-It wad frae monie a blunder free us,
-And foolish notion.
-		-- Robert Burns, National Poet of Scotland, 1759-1796
-%
 Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
 		-- Mark Twain
 %
@@ -53291,8 +53396,6 @@ Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost
 Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best.
 		-- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time"
 %
-Washington, D.C: Wasting your money since 1810.
-%
 Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.
 %
 Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
@@ -53302,6 +53405,8 @@ Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
 the people -- the big, the bland and the banal.
 		-- Ada Louise Huxtable
 %
+Washington, D.C: Wasting your money since 1810.
+%
 Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer
 knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing?
 %
@@ -53985,6 +54090,14 @@ creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
 in the end a summer with wild winds &
 new friends will be.
 %
+We will not be responsible for damage to equipment, your ego, county wide
+power outages, spontaneously generated mini (or larger) black holes,
+planetary disruptions, or personal injury or worse that may result from the
+use of this material.
+		-- taken from Samuel M. Goldwasser's
+		   Sam's Strobe FAQ Notes on the Troubleshooting
+		   and Repair of Electronic Flash Units and Strobe Lights
+%
 We wish you a Hare Krishna
 We wish you a Hare Krishna
 We wish you a Hare Krishna
@@ -54253,11 +54366,6 @@ And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early.
 %
 Well thaaaaaaat's okay.
 %
-	"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"
-	"Piece of cake, Master?  Radial slice of baked confection ...
-coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
-		-- Dr. Who
-%
 Well, the handwriting is on the floor.
 		-- Joe E. Lewis
 %
@@ -54464,12 +54572,6 @@ What an author likes to write most is his signature on the
 back of a cheque.
 		-- Brendan Francis
 %
-	"What are we going to do?"
-	"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions.  I'm looking
-for something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
-short initiation period."
-		-- Maddie and David, "Moonlighting"
-%
 What awful irony is this?
 We are as gods, but know it not.
 %
@@ -55340,15 +55442,6 @@ like my grandfather.
 not screaming,
 like the passengers in his car...
 %
-	"When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the
-assembled bar patrons.  A loud general cheer went up.  After downing his
-whiskey, he hopped onto a barstool and shouted "When I take another
-drink, *everybody* takes another drink!"  The announcement produced
-another cheer and another round of drinks.
-	As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back
-onto the stool.  "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto
-the bar, "*everybody* pays!"
-%
 When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket
 and a willingness to compromise.
 		-- Weber cartoon caption
@@ -55627,6 +55720,11 @@ she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind
 it less and less."
 		-- Louise Andrews Kent
 %
+When operating the diopter adjustment knob with your eye to the view-
+finder, be careful not to put your fingers or fingernails in your eye.
+		-- found in the users manual of the Nikon D2x camera,
+		   a camera for professional photographers
+%
 When Oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.
 The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points
 And Oxygen still had none
@@ -56931,11 +57029,6 @@ Hundred billion castaways looking for a call.
 WOLF:
 	A man who knows all the ankles.
 %
-Woman, n.:
-	An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
-	having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
 Woman:	    "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"
 Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."
 %
@@ -56946,6 +57039,11 @@ Woman is generally so bad that the difference
 between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.
 		-- Tolstoy
 %
+Woman, n.:
+	An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
+	having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
 Woman on Street:	Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
 Winston Churchill:	Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
 			I shall be sober in the morning.
@@ -57991,10 +58089,6 @@ I like that in a person.
 %
 You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
 %
-	"You are *so* lovely."
-	"Yes."
-	"Yes!  And you take a compliment, too!  I like that in a goddess."
-%
 You are standing on my toes.
 %
 You are taking yourself far too seriously.
@@ -58032,10 +58126,6 @@ because of your extreme stupidity.
 %
 You auto buy now.
 %
-	"You boys lookin' for trouble?"
-	"Sure.  Whaddya got?"
-		-- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
-%
 You buttered your bread, now lie in it!
 %
 You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard.  A justice of the
@@ -59677,96 +59767,3 @@ since I first called my brother's father dad.
 Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
 	People are always available for work in the past tense.
 %
-When operating the diopter adjustment knob with your eye to the view-
-finder, be careful not to put your fingers or fingernails in your eye.
-		-- found in the users manual of the Nikon D2x camera,
-		   a camera for professional photographers
-%
-beachhead:
-In marketing: a small piece of a market over which you gain control and
-from which you go out to control other pieces of the market.
-In war: where soldiers die.
-%
-...that FC loop thing sucks.
-So I decided to stick to my good old philosophy: "if it has tits,
-wheels or FC loops it will give you problem!"
-		-- storage engineer on the virtues of FC-AL
-%
-Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention
-of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but
-rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out,
-and loudly proclaiming --WOW---What A RIDE!!
-%
-To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are
-to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and
-servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public."
-		--  Theodore Roosevelt
-%
-PS: This message is not intended to supply the minimum
-daily requirement of serious thought.  Consult your doctor
-or pharmacist, but not the one that just sent you electronic
-junk mail or promises to make explicit drugs fast.
-		-- taken from Norman Wilson's .sig
-%
-A life lived in fear is a life half lived.
-%
-We will not be responsible for damage to equipment, your ego, county wide
-power outages, spontaneously generated mini (or larger) black holes,
-planetary disruptions, or personal injury or worse that may result from the
-use of this material.
-		-- taken from Samuel M. Goldwasser's
-		   Sam's Strobe FAQ Notes on the Troubleshooting
-		   and Repair of Electronic Flash Units and Strobe Lights
-%
-The Microsoft Exchange MTA Stacks service depends on the Microsoft Exchange
-System Attendant service which failed to start because of the following
-error:
-
-The operation completed successfully.
-
-For more information, see Help and Support Center at
-http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/events.asp.
-%
-Any sufficiently simple directive can be obfuscated beyond reason
-given proper legal counsel.
-		-- Alfred Perlstein
-%
-David Sarnoff, 1964: "The computer will become the hub of a vast network of
-remote data stations and information banks feeding into the machine at
-a transmission rate of a billion or more bits of information a
-second. Laser channels will vastly increase both data capacity and the
-speeds with which it will be transmitted.  Eventually, a global
-communications network handling voice, data and facsimile will
-instantly link man to machine--or machine to machine--by land, air,
-underwater, and space circuits. [The computer] will affect man's
-ways of thinking, his means of education, his relationship to his physical
-and social environment, and it will alter his ways of living...
-[Before the end of this century, these forces] will coalesce into what
-unquestionably will become the greatest adventure of the human mind."
-		-- Eugene Lyons, "David Sarnoff" 1966
-%
-Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
-%
-Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
-That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
-their shoes.
-%
-If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
-%
-Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
-and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
-%
-If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
-probably worth it.
-%
-Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
-%
-There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
-%
-Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
-%
-Never miss a good chance to shut up.
-%
-Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
-		-- Arthur C. Clarke
-%
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real
index 916dede..f42b951 100644
--- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real
@@ -46,6 +46,19 @@ ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
 very selfhood revealed."
 	And Jesus replied, "What?"
 %
+	"Are pirates an ethnic group?  Or are they just people who burn
+illegal cds?"
+	"Arrrr!  We prefer to be called Buccaneer-Americans."
+%
+	"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your
+penis?"
+	"Uh, not right now."
+	"Tsk.  A girl has to have some standards."
+		-- "Real Genius"
+%
+	"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
+	"Who else?" answered the patient.
+%
 	"God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
 matter what style of fucking it practiced.  He made sex irresistibly
 pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears.  He made it innocent
@@ -58,6 +71,11 @@ innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years.  Maybe they
 were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
 		-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
 %
+	"I will profane your fucking remains, E. B."
+	"Not my remains, Al!"
+	"Gabriel's trumpet will produce you from the ass of a pig."
+		-- Al Swearingen, E. B. Farnum, _Deadwood_
+%
 	In the beginning was the DEMO Project.  And the Project was
 without form.  And darkness was upon the staff members thereof.  So
 they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
@@ -117,6 +135,19 @@ I simply can't fuck any more;
 	And you haven't come yet,
 And my God, it's a quarter to four!
 %
+	The Split-Atom Blues
+
+Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
+    Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline....
+But if you split those atoms fine,
+    Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
+
+Gimme zits, take my dough,
+    Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll....
+Call the devil and sell my soul,
+    But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
+		-- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
+%
 	Them Toad Suckers
 
 How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
@@ -146,6 +177,28 @@ room, and turns to the younger brother.  "What'll you have?"
 	"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
 it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
 %
+	Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just
+felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).  Anyway,
+he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and
+roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
+	And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of
+course, no one is mightier than you."
+	A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just
+bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE
+ANIMALS?"
+	The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages
+to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the
+jungle."
+	The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that
+was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
+"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"  Well, this
+elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down;
+picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
+orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
+The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says:
+"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so
+pissed."
+%
 	"What the hell are you getting so upset about?  I thought you
 didn't believe in God."
 	"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
@@ -159,19 +212,6 @@ would be before she could resume her sex life.  "I really haven't
 thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon.  "You're the first
 patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
 %
-	The Split-Atom Blues
-
-Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
-    Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline....
-But if you split those atoms fine,
-    Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
-
-Gimme zits, take my dough,
-    Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll....
-Call the devil and sell my soul,
-    But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
-		-- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
-%
 ... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
 and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps....
 %
@@ -183,10 +223,6 @@ him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch
 of knuckles.
 		-- Harlan Ellison
 %
-71:
-	69 with two fingers up your ass.
-		-- George Carlin
-%
 ... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are.  On one side,
 you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of
 fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating
@@ -210,13 +246,9 @@ nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking
 Through Swimsuits Issue.
 		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
 %
-The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
-out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
-		-- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
-%
-	"Are pirates an ethnic group?  Or are they just people who burn
-illegal cds?"
-	"Arrrr!  We prefer to be called Buccaneer-Americans."
+71:
+	69 with two fingers up your ass.
+		-- George Carlin
 %
 A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float
 to the top.
@@ -306,6 +338,12 @@ All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small.
 	Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all.
 		-- Monty Python's Flying Circus
 %
+Alright, yes, date, and shop, and hang out, and go to school ... and
+save the world from unspeakable demons.  You know, I want to do girlie
+stuff.
+		-- Buffy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Faith, Hope & Trick"
+		   Season 3, Episode 3
+%
 America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room.  Every time it
 wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.
 		-- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
@@ -327,12 +365,27 @@ bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
 provideth that they are nice and fresh."
 		-- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
 %
+Angel:	We need you to distract the vampires.
+Buffy:	Right.
+Xander:	What are you going to do?
+Buffy:	I'm going to kill them all.  (Walking away)
+	That oughta distract them.
+		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "When She Was Bad"
+		   Season 2, Episode 1
+%
 Anxiety, n.:
 	The first time you can't do it a second time.
 
 Panic, n.:
 	The second time you can't do it the first time.
 %
+Anya:	Look, I know you find me attractive, I've seen you looking
+	at my breasts.
+Xander:	Nothing personal, but when a guy does that it just means
+	his eyes are open.
+		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Prom"
+		   Season 3, Episode 20
+%
 Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator.
 		-- Claude Shouse
 
@@ -398,6 +451,34 @@ Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
 %
 Booze is the answer.  I don't remember the question.
 %
+Buffy:	Am I repulsive?  If there was something repulsive about me, you'd
+	tell me right?
+Willow:	I'm your friend.  I would call you repulsive in a second.
+		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Harsh Light of Day"
+		   Season 1, Episode 3
+%
+Buffy:	How do you get to be renowned?  I mean like, do you have to be
+	nowned first?
+Willow:	Yes.  First there is the painful nowning process.
+		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Freshman"
+		   Season 1, Episode 1
+%
+Buffy:	It was exactly you Will, every detail.  Except for your not being
+	a dominatrix, as far as we know.
+Willow:	Oh right, me and Oz play, "Mistress of Pain" every night.
+Xander:	Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?
+Buffy:	Oh yeah.
+		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Dopplegangland"
+		   Season 3, Episode 16
+%
+Buffy:	No!  You guys are gonna have a prom.  The kind of prom that
+	everyone should have.  I'm going to give you all a nice, fun,
+	normal evening; if I have to kill every single person on the
+	face of the earth to do it!
+Xander:	Yay.
+		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Prom"
+		   Season 3, Episode 20
+%
 Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
 Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that.  But their true stroke of genius was
 the new bait.  The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
@@ -413,12 +494,6 @@ and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
 California is proud to be the home of the freeway.
 		-- Ronald Reagan
 %
-	"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your
-penis?"
-	"Uh, not right now."
-	"Tsk.  A girl has to have some standards."
-		-- "Real Genius"
-%
 Captain Hook died of jock itch.
 %
 Champagne don't make me lazy.
@@ -505,6 +580,11 @@ Conservative, n.:
 %
 Conserve energy -- make love more slowly.
 %
+Cordelia: Does looking at guns make you want to have sex?
+Xander:	  I'm seventeen.  Looking at _L_I_N_O_L_E_U_M makes me want to have sex.
+		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Innocence"
+		   Season 2, Episode 14
+%
 Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
 %
 Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you?  _F_I_R_S_T you rape,
@@ -563,9 +643,6 @@ two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
 %
 Do something big -- fuck a giant
 %
-	"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
-	"Who else?" answered the patient.
-%
 Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
 %
 Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
@@ -616,6 +693,16 @@ Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
 just a bit unchivalrous ...
 		-- Robert Benchley
 %
+Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they're too
+busy with their own.
+		-- Buffy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Earshot"
+		   Season 3, Episode 18
+%
+Faith:	Tell me you don't get off on this!
+Buffy:	It didn't suck.
+		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Bad Girls"
+		   Season 3, Episode 14
+%
 Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
 women.  They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
 handbags are full.
@@ -626,6 +713,14 @@ licentious, dirty bum!!
 %
 Floppy now, hard later.
 %
+For a thousand years I wielded the powers of the wish.  I brought ruin
+to the heads of unfaithful men.  I brought forth destruction and chaos
+for the pleasure of the lower beings.  I was feared and worshiped across
+the mortal globe.  And now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High.  A mortal.
+A child ...  and I'm flunking math.
+		-- Anya, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Dopplegangland"
+		   Season 3, Episode 16
+%
 For those of you how have been looking for evidence that a working
 version of "Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof
 offered by Caspar Weinberger:
@@ -653,6 +748,13 @@ punish him?  Because George still had the axe in his hand.
 Getting an education at the University of California is like having
 $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
 %
+Giles:	 What do you want?
+Angelus: I want to torture you.  I used to love it, it's been a long time.
+	 I mean, the last time I tortured somebody, they didn't even _H_A_V_E
+	 chain saws.
+		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Becoming, Part 2"
+		   Season 2, Episode 22
+%
 Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
 		-- Mark Twain
 %
@@ -879,11 +981,6 @@ the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties
 of an Untenured Professor?
 		-- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
 %
-	"I will profane your fucking remains, E. B."
-	"Not my remains, Al!"
-	"Gabriel's trumpet will produce you from the ass of a pig."
-		-- Al Swearingen, E. B. Farnum, _Deadwood_
-%
 I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why:  it is
 going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out
 your mind.  In general this drug will make you just like your mother
@@ -983,6 +1080,10 @@ In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with
 reality at any point.
 		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
 %
+In my world, there are people in chains and we can ride them like ponies.
+		-- Evil Willow, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Dopplegangland"
+		   Season 3, Episode 16
+%
 In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
 Massaging the bust of his madam,
 	He chuckled with mirth,
@@ -992,13 +1093,13 @@ There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
 Incest, n.:
 	Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy.
 %
-Isn't it odd that people who object to "foul" language are always the
-fucking dickheads that need swearing at?
-%
 Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time
 someone writes `bible thumpers?'
 		-- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu
 %
+Isn't it odd that people who object to "foul" language are always the
+fucking dickheads that need swearing at?
+%
 It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
 classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
 %
@@ -1101,6 +1202,8 @@ My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
 family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
 		-- Alexandre Dumas, pere
 %
+No one is listening until you fart.
+%
 No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
 she will or will not be a mother.
 		-- Margaret H. Sanger
@@ -1206,6 +1309,17 @@ probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever
 considering whether there were men on base.
 		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
 %
+Oz:	Guys, take a moment to deal with this.  We survived.
+Buffy:	It was a hell of a battle.
+Oz:	Not the battle.  High School.
+		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Graduation Day, Part Two"
+		   Season 3, Episode 22
+%
+Oz:	So, do you guys steal weapons from the army a lot?
+Willow:	Well, we don't have cable, so we have to make our own fun.
+		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Innocence"
+		   Season 2, Episode 14
+%
 People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world
 citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.
 		-- Norman Cousins
@@ -1589,6 +1703,8 @@ Secrets to a happy marriage
 Sex is like a bridge game.
 If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
 %
+Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
+%
 Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight
 are unimportant.
 		-- Henry Miller
@@ -1639,6 +1755,18 @@ Its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces.
 The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
 cactus has the pricks on the outside.
 %
+The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
+out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
+		-- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
+%
+The First: I'm not a demon little girl, I am something that you can't
+	even conceive.  The first evil.  Beyond sin, beyond death.
+	I am the thing the darkness fears.  You'll never see me but I
+	am everywhere.  Every being, every thought, every drop of hate.
+Buffy:	Alright I get it, you're evil.  Do we have to chat about it all day?
+		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Amends"
+		   Season 3, Episode 10
+%
 The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been
 putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes.
 %
@@ -1821,6 +1949,8 @@ Under capitalism, man exploits man.  Under Communism, it's just the
 opposite.
 		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
 %
+UNIX is hard. Let's go shopping!
+%
 Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
 or DMT.  "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth
 noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
@@ -1839,6 +1969,9 @@ War is menstruation envy.
 Water?  Never touch the stuff!  Fish fuck in it.
 		-- W.C. Fields
 %
+We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ...
+then things get worse.
+%
 We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
 %
 We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at
@@ -1857,28 +1990,6 @@ Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator.  Now, I had
 my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco.  Surely
 you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
 %
-	Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just
-felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).  Anyway,
-he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and
-roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
-	And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of
-course, no one is mightier than you."
-	A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just
-bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE
-ANIMALS?"
-	The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages
-to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the
-jungle."
-	The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that
-was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
-"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"  Well, this
-elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down;
-picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
-orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
-The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says:
-"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so
-pissed."
-%
 WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT.  The MX is really
 [Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms-
 reduction talks with the Russians.  See, we have a problem with the
@@ -1892,6 +2003,14 @@ George talk.
 		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
 		   Political Fallout"
 %
+Wesley:	I have in fact faced two vampires myself.  Under controlled
+	circumstances of course.
+Giles:	No danger of finding those here.
+Wesley:	Vampires?
+Giles:	Controlled circumstances.
+		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Bad Girls"
+		   Season 3, Episode 14
+%
 What can you use used tampons for?  Tea bags for vampires.
 %
 What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?
@@ -1931,6 +2050,15 @@ Women's Libbers are OK.  I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
 Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed
 problem down the hall?
 %
+Xander:	Let me tell you something.  When it's dark, and I'm all alone,
+	and I'm scared, or freaked out, or whatever.  I always think,
+	"What would Buffy do?" You're my hero.  Ok, sometimes when it's
+	dark and I'm all alone I think, "What is Buffy wearing?"
+Buffy:	Can that be one of those things that you never ever tell me about?
+Xander:	It's a deal.
+		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Freshman"
+		   Season 1, Episode 1
+%
 Yes, that was Richard Nixon.  He used to be President.  When he left
 the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware.
 		-- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
@@ -1994,131 +2122,3 @@ You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying
 to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently.
 		-- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b
 %
-UNIX is hard. Let's go shopping!
-%
-Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
-%
-No one is listening until you fart.
-%
-We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ...
-then things get worse.
-%
-Angel:	We need you to distract the vampires.
-Buffy:	Right.
-Xander:	What are you going to do?
-Buffy:	I'm going to kill them all.  (Walking away)
-	That oughta distract them.
-		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "When She Was Bad"
-		   Season 2, Episode 1
-%
-Cordelia: Does looking at guns make you want to have sex?
-Xander:	  I'm seventeen.  Looking at _L_I_N_O_L_E_U_M makes me want to have sex.
-		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Innocence"
-		   Season 2, Episode 14
-%
-Oz:	So, do you guys steal weapons from the army a lot?
-Willow:	Well, we don't have cable, so we have to make our own fun.
-		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Innocence"
-		   Season 2, Episode 14
-%
-Giles:	 What do you want?
-Angelus: I want to torture you.  I used to love it, it's been a long time.
-	 I mean, the last time I tortured somebody, they didn't even _H_A_V_E
-	 chain saws.
-		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Becoming, Part 2"
-		   Season 2, Episode 22
-%
-Alright, yes, date, and shop, and hang out, and go to school ... and
-save the world from unspeakable demons.  You know, I want to do girlie
-stuff.
-		-- Buffy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Faith, Hope & Trick"
-		   Season 3, Episode 3
-%
-The First: I'm not a demon little girl, I am something that you can't
-	even conceive.  The first evil.  Beyond sin, beyond death.
-	I am the thing the darkness fears.  You'll never see me but I
-	am everywhere.  Every being, every thought, every drop of hate.
-Buffy:	Alright I get it, you're evil.  Do we have to chat about it all day?
-		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Amends"
-		   Season 3, Episode 10
-%
-Faith:	Tell me you don't get off on this!
-Buffy:	It didn't suck.
-		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Bad Girls"
-		   Season 3, Episode 14
-%
-Wesley:	I have in fact faced two vampires myself.  Under controlled
-	circumstances of course.
-Giles:	No danger of finding those here.
-Wesley:	Vampires?
-Giles:	Controlled circumstances.
-		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Bad Girls"
-		   Season 3, Episode 14
-%
-For a thousand years I wielded the powers of the wish.  I brought ruin
-to the heads of unfaithful men.  I brought forth destruction and chaos
-for the pleasure of the lower beings.  I was feared and worshiped across
-the mortal globe.  And now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High.  A mortal.
-A child ...  and I'm flunking math.
-		-- Anya, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Dopplegangland"
-		   Season 3, Episode 16
-%
-In my world, there are people in chains and we can ride them like ponies.
-		-- Evil Willow, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Dopplegangland"
-		   Season 3, Episode 16
-%
-Buffy:	It was exactly you Will, every detail.  Except for your not being
-	a dominatrix, as far as we know.
-Willow:	Oh right, me and Oz play, "Mistress of Pain" every night.
-Xander:	Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?
-Buffy:	Oh yeah.
-		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Dopplegangland"
-		   Season 3, Episode 16
-%
-Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they're too
-busy with their own.
-		-- Buffy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Earshot"
-		   Season 3, Episode 18
-%
-Anya:	Look, I know you find me attractive, I've seen you looking
-	at my breasts.
-Xander:	Nothing personal, but when a guy does that it just means
-	his eyes are open.
-		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Prom"
-		   Season 3, Episode 20
-%
-Buffy:	No!  You guys are gonna have a prom.  The kind of prom that
-	everyone should have.  I'm going to give you all a nice, fun,
-	normal evening; if I have to kill every single person on the
-	face of the earth to do it!
-Xander:	Yay.
-		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Prom"
-		   Season 3, Episode 20
-%
-Oz:	Guys, take a moment to deal with this.  We survived.
-Buffy:	It was a hell of a battle.
-Oz:	Not the battle.  High School.
-		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Graduation Day, Part Two"
-		   Season 3, Episode 22
-%
-Buffy:	How do you get to be renowned?  I mean like, do you have to be
-	nowned first?
-Willow:	Yes.  First there is the painful nowning process.
-		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Freshman"
-		   Season 1, Episode 1
-%
-Xander:	Let me tell you something.  When it's dark, and I'm all alone,
-	and I'm scared, or freaked out, or whatever.  I always think,
-	"What would Buffy do?" You're my hero.  Ok, sometimes when it's
-	dark and I'm all alone I think, "What is Buffy wearing?"
-Buffy:	Can that be one of those things that you never ever tell me about?
-Xander:	It's a deal.
-		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Freshman"
-		   Season 1, Episode 1
-%
-Buffy:	Am I repulsive?  If there was something repulsive about me, you'd
-	tell me right?
-Willow:	I'm your friend.  I would call you repulsive in a second.
-		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Harsh Light of Day"
-		   Season 1, Episode 3
-%
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o
index f4ef14b..06001f9 100644
--- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o
@@ -604,6 +604,11 @@ remains of her cat.  As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
 	The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
 "Sit with my wife.  You two have a lot in common."
 %
+	"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband,
+as he came upon his wife in bed with another man.  The wife turned and
+smiled at her companion.
+	"See?" she said.  "I told you he was stupid!"
+%
 	"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
 to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
 posh hotel.
@@ -631,6 +636,25 @@ immersible for easy cleaning.  SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely
 textured for a realistic effect.  Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and
 limited graphics capability.  Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries.
 %
+	At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table
+to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee."  "And
+if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's
+unhesitating retort.
+		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
+%
+	At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time
+stand-up guy.
+	Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client.
+He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong
+path.  Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison
+sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted.
+	Then the judge turned to Sperling.  "Mr. Sperling, is there anything
+you wish to say?"
+	"Yes, Your Honor.  If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've
+got another think coming.  You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers,
+you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..."
+		-- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game"
+%
 	Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that
 his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young
 executive appeared at a local health resort.  Looking over the several weight
@@ -681,6 +705,12 @@ see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
 	"What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
 	"My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
 %
+	"Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee,
+"I want to confess some affairs that I've had in the past."
+	"But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man
+replied.
+	"Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago."
+%
 	Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best
 friend asked him how it went.
 	"The first night we did it nine times," Bill said.  "The second
@@ -690,6 +720,17 @@ last night, nothing!"
 	"Nothing?" his pal asked.  "How come?"
 	"Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
 %
+	Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at
+the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of
+Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the
+upcoming conference in Yalta.  At the appointed hour, the President was
+wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister
+had not finished bathing.  Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion
+and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room
+stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are
+you staring at, homo?"
+		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
+%
 	Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one
 particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock,
 a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition,
@@ -698,17 +739,10 @@ himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up
 your ass, you ugly cunt."
 		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
 %
-	When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to
-the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if
-you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and
-your play can go fuck yourselves."
-		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
-%
-	At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table
-to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee."  "And
-if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's
-unhesitating retort.
-		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
+	"Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-
+studies text, "what did you do during the sexual revolution?"
+	"Well, son," his father confided, "I guess you could say I was
+captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes."
 %
 	"Daddy?"
 	"Yes son."
@@ -748,6 +782,13 @@ ad was quite explicit.  I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert,
 and you... uh... don't have all the..."
 	"Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
 %
+	Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
+pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening
+sight I have ever seen."  His companion was surprised to see nothing
+more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand
+on the child's shoulder.  "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning
+out of the car.  "Run for your life!"
+%
 	During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
 blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall.  Suddenly a red-face
 country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
@@ -895,6 +936,14 @@ differences once and for all.
 	When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
 where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
 %
+	Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the
+Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives.  A popular
+story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was
+roused by his wife crying, "Wake up!  I think there are burglars in the
+house."
+	"No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
+maybe, but not in the House."
+%
 	Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
 from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
 	"I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly.  "You
@@ -1016,12 +1065,29 @@ bricks."
 	"Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't
 hear the stereo."
 %
+	"I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown
+bear grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun.  He picked it up
+and stuck it in my back."
+	"What did you do?"
+	"What *could* I do?  I married his daughter."
+%
 	I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
 "What'll you have, Bud"?
 	I said," I don't know, surprise me".
 	So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
 		-- Rodney Dangerfield
 %
+	"I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor
+business ain't doin' too well.  I ain't sold one all month.
+	"You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied.  "The other day, I went
+out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she
+always does.  So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters.  When I sat
+down again, she kicked me like she always does.  So I tied her leg to the
+side of the stall.  When I started to sit down again, I could see her taking
+aim with her other leg, so I tied it to the other side of the stall.  And I'll
+tell you what," he continued with a sigh, "if you can convince my wife I was
+gonna *milk* that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"
+%
 	"I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
 young man to his father as he prepared to leave home.  "Don't try to stop me.
 I'm on my way."
@@ -1092,6 +1158,17 @@ Oyster Bar.  A real dive.  But I knew the owner.  He used to play for the
 Dolphins.  I said "Hi, Gil!"  You have to yell -- he's hard of herring.
 		-- Kip Addotta, "Wet Dream"
 %
+	It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a
+romantic haze.  "Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last.
+It's all like a wonderful dream!"
+	Her husband didn't answer.  A few moments passed.  She sighed again
+and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true."
+	Still no response from her spouse.  Another pause and another
+sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your
+wife."
+	"Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied,
+you will!"
+%
 	It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the
 American were talking about love over some dry Martinis.  "Deed you know,
 sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different
@@ -1184,6 +1261,10 @@ therapy ask if people have had therapy.
 Assume that she bought them at a flea  market.
 		-- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
 %
+	"Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work!"
+	"Why do you think I CAME here?"
+	"Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure."
+%
 	Never take a resume seriously.  Resumes only make money for the
 people who write the resumes.  No resume ever tells an employer how many
 times a job applicant has had the clap.
@@ -1361,6 +1442,13 @@ Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol.
 semicolon.
 		-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
 %
+	Rosenberg wanted to leave the country.  "And what is *your*
+reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office.
+	"I am told a pogrom is being prepared.  Against the Jews and
+the barbers," replies Rosenberg.
+	"Why the barbers?"
+	"Everybody asks that question.  That's why I want to leave."
+%
 	Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old
 has been waiting for him.  Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable
 Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?"
@@ -1384,21 +1472,6 @@ stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison.  "If
 this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she
 doesn't deserve to have any."
 %
-	Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
-pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening
-sight I have ever seen."  His companion was surprised to see nothing
-more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand
-on the child's shoulder.  "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning
-out of the car.  "Run for your life!"
-%
-	Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the
-Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives.  A popular
-story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was
-roused by his wife crying, "Wake up!  I think there are burglars in the
-house."
-	"No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
-maybe, but not in the House."
-%
 	Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the
 still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence.
 Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his
@@ -1418,29 +1491,19 @@ statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, then wryly commented, "Suck my
 dick."
 		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
 %
-	While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was
-asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers.
- "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a
-whimsical smile, "They're assholes."
-		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
-%
-	Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at
-the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of
-Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the
-upcoming conference in Yalta.  At the appointed hour, the President was
-wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister
-had not finished bathing.  Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion
-and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room
-stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are
-you staring at, homo?"
-		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
-%
 	"Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of
 coffee?"
 	"Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!",
 answered the gentleman, rather shortly.
 	"I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny."
 %
+	So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope.
+"Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two Polacks
+who --"
+	"My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish."
+	The salesman thought for a moment.  "That's okay, Father," he
+said. "I'll tell it very slowly."
+%
 	"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
 sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
 	"How do you know?" the friend asked.
@@ -1865,6 +1928,23 @@ the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham."
 	Their son looked up, surprised.  "WHOAH!  Dad be gettin' hip!
 How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?"
 %
+	When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to
+the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if
+you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and
+your play can go fuck yourselves."
+		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
+%
+	"Where'd she get those crow's feet?"
+	"You really want to know?"
+	"Yeah."
+	"From squinting and screaming, "Suck what!?"
+%
+	While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was
+asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers.
+ "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a
+whimsical smile, "They're assholes."
+		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
+%
 	While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself
 out of money just as her visa expired.  Unable to pay her passage back to
 France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting
@@ -2560,9 +2640,6 @@ another erection!"
 	"Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of
 course, have to be someone else's."
 %
-A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
 A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno.  By the roadside he
 sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up.  As the man gets into his
 car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car.
@@ -2596,6 +2673,9 @@ anything to show my gratitude."
 that holds up his ragged pants.  "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash
 and take that damn dog for a walk!"
 %
+A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
 A man is playing golf at a very exclusive country club when he hits a hole-
 in-one.  As he takes his ball from the cup, a genie appears.
 	"Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish.  What
@@ -3714,11 +3794,6 @@ And she said, with a tear in her eye,
 And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought
 he was melting...
 %
-	"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband,
-as he came upon his wife in bed with another man.  The wife turned and
-smiled at her companion.
-	"See?" she said.  "I told you he was stupid!"
-%
 Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send out
 photographs of their families every year.  In the same mail that brought the
 greetings from Marcia and Philip, my friend found such a conversation piece.
@@ -3974,12 +4049,6 @@ Bedfellows make strange politicians.
 beef stroganoff, n:
 	A bull masturbating.
 %
-	"Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee,
-"I want to confess some affairs that I've had in the past."
-	"But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man
-replied.
-	"Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago."
-%
 Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals.
 To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.
 		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
@@ -4515,11 +4584,6 @@ Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness.
 %
 Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
 %
-	"Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-
-studies text, "what did you do during the sexual revolution?"
-	"Well, son," his father confided, "I guess you could say I was
-captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes."
-%
 Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true,
 Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw?
 I really must beg your pardon,
@@ -4545,24 +4609,6 @@ from Avis again.
 		   axe used in three murders being found in the trunk of
 		   his rented car.
 %
-If you guys have a beef with her, that's her problem.  Don't lay it on
-me.  The old lady has to take care of her own weight.
-		-- Herbie Sperling, convicted heroin dealer, on being
-		   arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house.
-%
-	At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time
-stand-up guy.
-	Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client.
-He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong
-path.  Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison
-sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted.
-	Then the judge turned to Sperling.  "Mr. Sperling, is there anything
-you wish to say?"
-	"Yes, Your Honor.  If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've
-got another think coming.  You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers,
-you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..."
-		-- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game"
-%
 Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention.
 %
 date; talk; touch; unzip; finger; expand; strip; head; mount; yes; yes; yes;
@@ -4766,6 +4812,10 @@ Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!!
 %
 Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse.
 %
+Don't see 'em this big out here, do they?
+		-- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters
+		   in a public toilet during a tour of the Far East
+%
 Down by the old model T,
 Where she first showed it to me.
 	It was furry and black,
@@ -6562,6 +6612,12 @@ But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!"
 %
 I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty.
 %
+I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
+		-- Lyndon B. Johnson
+
+I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket.
+		-- Lyndon B. Johnson
+%
 I once had the wife of a Dean
 Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'.
 	She remarked with some gaiety,
@@ -6637,12 +6693,6 @@ dam by ourselves!  But do they call me `Dimitri the dam builder?'  Hell, no!"
 that house?  I built that for my wife with my own two hands!  But do they
 call me `Dimitri the home builder'?  No!  But just one little sheep!"
 %
-	"I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown
-bear grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun.  He picked it up
-and stuck it in my back."
-	"What did you do?"
-	"What *could* I do?  I married his daughter."
-%
 I went to a wild party last night.  I tell ya, it was so wild, we played
 a new version of Russian roulette.  We passed around six girls and one
 of them had V.D.
@@ -6703,7 +6753,6 @@ Then leave it out at Moose Grin Hall
 With our cousin who's deranged ...
 		-- National Lampoon, to an old Coke commercial
 %
-%
 I'd like to start a new religion.  One that doesn't use a dead young
 man as its logo.
 		-- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
@@ -6809,6 +6858,11 @@ And you can't afford paper at all,
 	However forlorn,
 There is always the lavat'ry wall.
 %
+If you guys have a beef with her, that's her problem.  Don't lay it on
+me.  The old lady has to take care of her own weight.
+		-- Herbie Sperling, convicted heroin dealer, on being
+		   arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house.
+%
 If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.
 		-- Lenny Bruce
 %
@@ -6869,17 +6923,6 @@ Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure,
 	Toujours ouverte la porte,
 Encore, et encore, et encore.
 %
-	"I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor
-business ain't doin' too well.  I ain't sold one all month.
-	"You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied.  "The other day, I went
-out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she
-always does.  So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters.  When I sat
-down again, she kicked me like she always does.  So I tied her leg to the
-side of the stall.  When I started to sit down again, I could see her taking
-aim with her other leg, so I tied it to the other side of the stall.  And I'll
-tell you what," he continued with a sigh, "if you can convince my wife I was
-gonna *milk* that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"
-%
 I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
 		-- Rodney Dangerfield
 %
@@ -7314,17 +7357,6 @@ you," he said to a fourth mouse, "what did you think?"
 	"To tell you the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs;
 I'm a tit mouse myself."
 %
-	It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a
-romantic haze.  "Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last.
-It's all like a wonderful dream!"
-	Her husband didn't answer.  A few moments passed.  She sighed again
-and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true."
-	Still no response from her spouse.  Another pause and another
-sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your
-wife."
-	"Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied,
-you will!"
-%
 It was his third marriage and her fourth.  He was quite surprised when on
 their honeymoon she pleaded, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
 	"Darling, what do you mean you're still a virgin?  You've been
@@ -7475,16 +7507,6 @@ I couldn't ask for more,
 She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed,
 And owns a liquor store.
 %
-I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
-		-- Lyndon B. Johnson
-
-I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket.
-		-- Lyndon B. Johnson
-%
-Don't see 'em this big out here, do they?
-		-- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters
-		   in a public toilet during a tour of the Far East
-%
 Jack an Jill went up the hill.
 Jill went down,
 Jack came.
@@ -8151,6 +8173,12 @@ Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's
 testicles for a bet...  God, that bloody sheep kicked him!
 		-- Ripping Yarns
 %
+Miss Mona:	You know what burns my ass?
+Ed Earl:	What?
+Miss Mona:	A flame about three feet high!
+		-- Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds,
+		   "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas"
+%
 Missed the train at the railway station
 Oh hell, blast, and damnation!
 Asked a lady in there if she had the time,
@@ -8358,10 +8386,6 @@ Negotiate my ass, let's kill something!
 Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane.
 		-- Gordon Cooper
 %
-	"Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work!"
-	"Why do you think I CAME here?"
-	"Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure."
-%
 Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds.
 %
 New book out from Gary Hart; "Six Inches from the White House".
@@ -9380,6 +9404,9 @@ A:	Your bicycle.
 Q:	What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common?
 A:	They both like a tight seal.
 %
+Q:	What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
+A:	Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.
+%
 Q:	What do elephants use instead of tampons?
 A:	Sheep.  Well, they used to, anyway.  There have been so many cases
 	of Toxic Flock Syndrome recently that their ewes has been discouraged.
@@ -9527,6 +9554,9 @@ A:	Nothing, except Fairy Tales start off with "Once upon a time".
 	[I thought Fairy Tales started off, "Honey, I'm gonna be at the
 	office a little late, tonight...  Ed.]
 %
+Q:	What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up?
+A:	Age.
+%
 Q:	What's the difference between a JAP and a baby elephant?
 A:	About 10 pounds.
 
@@ -9542,6 +9572,9 @@ A:	The weekend never comes too soon.
 Q:	What's the difference between a sorority girl and a fast car?
 A:	Not everyone's been in a fast car.
 %
+Q:	What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
+A:	The taste.
+%
 Q:	What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
 A:	Erotic is when you use a feather.  Kinky is when you use
 	the whole bird.
@@ -9554,11 +9587,22 @@ A:	One always told the truth, one always lied, and one can't tell the
 Q:	What's the difference between hard and dark?
 A:	It stays dark all night.
 %
+Q:	What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"?
+A:	About three inches.
+%
 Q:	What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
 A:	In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd
 	like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
 	"and some cigarettes."
 %
+Q:	What's the difference between VMS and PMS?
+
+A1:	PMS is only a problem for some people.
+A2:	PMS is only a problem for part of the month.
+A3:	The drugstore has remedies for PMS.
+A4:	People with PMS get sympathy.
+A5:	People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX.
+%
 Q:	What's the last thing that goes through a grasshopper's mind when
 	he hits your windshield?
 A:	His ass.
@@ -9601,6 +9645,12 @@ Q:	Why did Ted Kennedy report the accident 8 hours after Mary
 		Jo Kopechne drowned?
 A:	Do you have any idea how hard it is to dress a woman underwater?
 %
+Q:	Why did the epileptic cross the road?
+A:	He couldn't help it.
+
+Q:	What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
+A:	Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent.
+%
 Q:	Why do dogs lick their private parts?
 A:	Because they can.
 %
@@ -9610,6 +9660,12 @@ A:	To stamp out forest fires.
 Q:	Why do elephants have big flat feet?
 A:	To stamp out flaming ducks.
 %
+Q:	Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
+A:	So they can jump into trees and rape mice.
+
+Q:	What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse?
+A:	BOING!!  BOING!!  BOING!!
+%
 Q:	Why do men die before their wives?
 A:	They want to.
 %
@@ -9658,38 +9714,6 @@ Q:	Why was Cinderella banished from the Magic Kingdom?
 A:	For sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Tell the truth!
 	Tell a lie!  Tell the truth!  Tell a lie!"
 %
-Q:	What's the difference between VMS and PMS?
-
-A1:	PMS is only a problem for some people.
-A2:	PMS is only a problem for part of the month.
-A3:	The drugstore has remedies for PMS.
-A4:	People with PMS get sympathy.
-A5:	People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX.
-%
-Q:	What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
-A:	Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up?
-A:	Age.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
-A:	The taste.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"?
-A:	About three inches.
-%
-Q:	Why did the epileptic cross the road?
-A:	He couldn't help it.
-
-Q:	What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
-A:	Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent.
-%
-Q:	Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
-A:	So they can jump into trees and rape mice.
-
-Q:	What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse?
-A:	BOING!!  BOING!!  BOING!!
-%
 QOTD:
 	"... was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort-of
 	Sun-God robes, on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming
@@ -9944,15 +9968,11 @@ In Ireland, in Lebanon, in Palestine, in Berkeley,
 Patty Hearst... heard the burst... of Roland's Thompson gun, and bought it.
 		-- Warren Zevon, "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner"
 %
-	Rosenberg wanted to leave the country.  "And what is *your*
-reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office.
-	"I am told a pogrom is being prepared.  Against the Jews and
-the barbers," replies Rosenberg.
-	"Why the barbers?"
-	"Everybody asks that question.  That's why I want to leave."
-%
 Roses on your piano isn't nearly as good as tulips on your organ.
 %
+Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.
+		-- Zero Mostel
+%
 Rugby is a game played by men with peculiarly shaped balls.
 %
 rugby, n:
@@ -10520,13 +10540,6 @@ staggering in early the next morning.
 	"Four dollars and ten cents," he said.  "Who gave you the ten cents?"
 	"Everybody," she said.
 %
-	So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope.
-"Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two Polacks
-who --"
-	"My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish."
-	The salesman thought for a moment.  "That's okay, Father," he
-said. "I'll tell it very slowly."
-%
 So you fucked up... you trusted us!
 		-- Animal House
 %
@@ -13212,11 +13225,6 @@ And now I have an erection all the time.
 Whenever someone tells you to "take it like a man" it usually means
 up your ass.
 %
-	"Where'd she get those crow's feet?"
-	"You really want to know?"
-	"Yeah."
-	"From squinting and screaming, "Suck what!?"
-%
 Which of the following doesn't belong?
 	a. meat
 	b. eggs
@@ -13405,12 +13413,6 @@ You know the Norplant thing?  It's a new birth control device for women.
 It's a cartridge, that goes in your arm.  Well, they're coming out with
 a new one for men: it's a brain, that goes in your head.
 %
-Miss Mona:	You know what burns my ass?
-Ed Earl:	What?
-Miss Mona:	A flame about three feet high!
-		-- Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds,
-		   "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas"
-%
 You might get caught holding the bag.  Say she's your sister.
 %
 You pedophiliac sodomizer of ducklings!!
@@ -13494,6 +13496,3 @@ To a couple of truckers from Erie P.A.,
 Zippity doo dah, zippity ay.
 		-- John Valby
 %
-Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.
-		-- Zero Mostel
-%
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/freebsd-tips b/games/fortune/datfiles/freebsd-tips
index e509c1b..ac87268 100644
--- a/games/fortune/datfiles/freebsd-tips
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/freebsd-tips
@@ -1,111 +1,54 @@
 This fortune brought to you by:
 $FreeBSD$
 %
-Having trouble using fetch through a firewall? Try setting the environment
-variable FTP_PASSIVE_MODE to yes, and see fetch(3) for more details.
+Any user that is a member of the wheel group can use "su -" to simulate
+a root login. You can add a user to the wheel group by editing /etc/group.
+		-- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr>
 %
 By pressing "Scroll Lock" you can use the arrow keys to scroll backward
 through the console output.  Press "Scroll Lock" again to turn it off.
 %
-Want colour in your directory listings?  Use "ls -G".  "ls -F" is also useful,
-and they can be combined as "ls -FG".
-%
-If you need to ask a question on the FreeBSD-questions mailing list then
-
-	http://www.FreeBSD.org/doc/en_US.ISO8859-1/articles/\
-		freebsd-questions/index.html
-
-contains lots of useful advice to help you get the best results.
+Can't remember if you've installed a certain port or not? Try "pkg_info
+-Ix port_name".
 %
-If you'd like to keep track of applications in the FreeBSD ports tree, take a
-look at FreshPorts;
-
-	http://www.freshports.org/
+Ever wonder what those numbers after command names were, as in cat(1)?  It's
+the section of the manual the man page is in.  "man man" will tell you more.
+		-- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
 %
-To search for files that match a particular name, use find(1); for example
-
-	find / -name "*GENERIC*" -ls
+Forget how to spell a word or a variation of a word? Use
 
-will search '/', and all subdirectories, for files with 'GENERIC' in the name.
-      	--  Stephen Hilton <nospam@hiltonbsd.com>
-%
-In tcsh, you can `set autolist' to have the shell automatically show
-all the possible matches when doing filename/directory expansion.
-%
-You can `set autologout = 30' to have tcsh log you off automatically
-if you leave the shell idle for more than 30 minutes.
-%
-If you `set filec' (file completion) in tcsh and write a part of the
-filename, pressing TAB will show you the available choices when there
-is more than one, or complete the filename if there's only one match.
-%
-You can press up-arrow or down-arrow to walk through a list of
-previous commands in tcsh.
-%
-You can disable tcsh's terminal beep if you `set nobeep'.
-%
-If you `set watch = (0 any any)' in tcsh, you will be notified when
-someone logs in or out of your system.
-%
-Nice tcsh prompt: set prompt = '%m %# '
-%
-Nice tcsh prompt: set prompt = '%n@%m%# '
-%
-Nice tcsh prompt: set prompt = '%n@%m:%~%# '
-%
-Nice tcsh prompt: set prompt = '%n@%m:%/%# '
-%
-Nice tcsh prompt: set prompt = '[%B%m%b] %B%~%b%# '
-%
-Simple tcsh prompt: set prompt = '%# '
-%
-If you want df(1) and other commands to display disk sizes in
-kilobytes instead of 512-byte blocks, set BLOCKSIZE in your
-environment to 'K'.  You can also use 'M' for Megabytes or 'G' for
-Gigabytes.  If you want df(1) to automatically select the best size
-then use 'df -h'.
+	look portion_of_word_you_know
+		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-To change an environment variable in tcsh you use: setenv NAME "value"
-where NAME is the name of the variable and "value" its new value.
+Forget what directory you are in? Type "pwd".
+		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-To change an environment variable in /bin/sh use:
-
-	$ VARIABLE="value"
-	$ export VARIABLE
+Forget when Easter is? Try "ncal -e". If you need the date for Orthodox
+Easter, use "ncal -o" instead.
+		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-You can use /etc/make.conf to control the options used to compile software
-on this system.  Example entries are in
-/usr/share/examples/etc/make.conf.
+FreeBSD is started up by the program 'init'.  The first thing init does when
+starting multiuser mode (ie, starting the computer up for normal use) is to
+run the shell script /etc/rc.  By reading /etc/rc and the /etc/rc.d/ scripts,
+you can learn a lot about how the system is put together, which again will
+make you more confident about what happens when you do something with it.
 %
-To do a fast search for a file, try
-
-	 locate filename
-
-locate uses a database that is updated every Saturday (assuming your computer
-is running FreeBSD at the time) to quickly find files based on name only.
+Handy bash(1) prompt:  PS1="\u@\h \w \!$ "
+		-- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
 %
-In order to search for a string in some files, use 'grep' like this:
-
-	 grep "string" filename1 [filename2 filename3 ...]
-
-This will print out the lines in the files that contain the string.  grep can
-also do a lot more advanced searches - type 'man grep' for details.
+Having trouble using fetch through a firewall? Try setting the environment
+variable FTP_PASSIVE_MODE to yes, and see fetch(3) for more details.
 %
-You can use the 'fetch' command to retrieve files over ftp or http.
-
-	 fetch http://www.FreeBSD.org/index.html
-
-will download the front page of the FreeBSD web site.
+If other operating systems have damaged your Master Boot Record, you can
+reinstall it either with /usr/sbin/sysinstall or with boot0cfg(8). See
+"man boot0cfg" for details.
 %
-In order to make fetch (the FreeBSD downloading tool) ask for
-username/password when it encounters a password-protected web page, you can set
-the environment variable HTTP_AUTH to 'basic:*'.
+If you accidentally end up inside vi, you can quit it by pressing Escape, colon
+(:), q (q), bang (!) and pressing return.
 %
-You can permanently set environment variables for your shell by putting them
-in a startup file for the shell.  The name of the startup file varies
-depending on the shell - csh and tcsh uses .login, bash, sh, ksh and zsh use
-.profile.  When using bash, sh, ksh or zsh, don't forget to export the
-variable.
+If you are in the C shell and have just installed a new program, you won't
+be able to run it unless you first type "rehash".
+		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
 If you are running xterm, the default TERM variable will be 'xterm'.  If you
 set this environment variable to 'xterm-color' instead, a lot of programs will
@@ -123,234 +66,180 @@ If you do not want to get beeps in X11 (X Windows), you can turn them off with
 
 	xset b off
 %
-You can look through a file in a nice text-based interface by typing
+If you have a CD-ROM drive in your machine, you can make the CD-ROM that is
+presently inserted available by typing 'mount /cdrom' as root.  The CD-ROM
+will be available under /cdrom/.  Remember to do 'umount /cdrom' before
+removing the CD-ROM (it will usually not be possible to remove the CD-ROM
+without doing this.)
 
-	less filename
-%
-The default editor in FreeBSD is vi, which is efficient to use when you have
-learned it, but somewhat user-unfriendly.  To use ee (an easier but less
-powerful editor) instead, set the environment variable EDITOR to /usr/bin/ee
+Note: This tip may not work in all configurations.
 %
-If you accidentally end up inside vi, you can quit it by pressing Escape, colon
-(:), q (q), bang (!) and pressing return.
+If you need a reminder to leave your terminal, type "leave +hhmm" where
+"hhmm" represents in how many hours and minutes you need to leave.
+		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-You can use aliases to decrease the amount of typing you need to do to get
-commands you commonly use.  Examples of fairly popular aliases include (in
-Bourne shell style, as in /bin/sh, bash, ksh, and zsh):
-
-	alias lf="ls -FA"
-	alias ll="ls -lA"
-	alias su="su -m"
-
-In csh or tcsh, these would be
+If you need to ask a question on the FreeBSD-questions mailing list then
 
-	alias lf ls -FA
-	alias ll ls -lA
-	alias su su -m
+	http://www.FreeBSD.org/doc/en_US.ISO8859-1/articles/\
+		freebsd-questions/index.html
 
-To remove an alias, you can usually use 'unalias aliasname'.  To list all
-aliases, you can usually type just 'alias'.
+contains lots of useful advice to help you get the best results.
 %
-In order to support national characters for European languages in tools like
-less without creating other nationalisation aspects, set the environment
-variable LC_ALL to 'en_US.ISO8859-1'.
+If you `set filec' (file completion) in tcsh and write a part of the
+filename, pressing TAB will show you the available choices when there
+is more than one, or complete the filename if there's only one match.
 %
-You can search for documentation on a keyword by typing
-
-	apropos keyword
+If you `set watch = (0 any any)' in tcsh, you will be notified when
+someone logs in or out of your system.
 %
-Man pages are divided into section depending on topic.  There are 9 different
-sections numbered from 1 (General Commands) to 9 (Kernel Developer's Manual).
-You can get an introduction to each topic by typing
-
-	man <number> intro
-
-In other words, to get the intro to general commands, type
+If you use the C shell, add the following line to the .cshrc file in your
+home directory to prevent core files from being written to disk:
 
-	man 1 intro
+	limit coredumpsize 0
+		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-FreeBSD is started up by the program 'init'.  The first thing init does when
-starting multiuser mode (ie, starting the computer up for normal use) is to
-run the shell script /etc/rc.  By reading /etc/rc and the /etc/rc.d/ scripts,
-you can learn a lot about how the system is put together, which again will
-make you more confident about what happens when you do something with it.
+If you want df(1) and other commands to display disk sizes in
+kilobytes instead of 512-byte blocks, set BLOCKSIZE in your
+environment to 'K'.  You can also use 'M' for Megabytes or 'G' for
+Gigabytes.  If you want df(1) to automatically select the best size
+then use 'df -h'.
 %
 If you want to play CDs with FreeBSD, a utility for this is already included.
 Type 'cdcontrol' then 'help' to learn more.  (You may need to set the CDROM
 environment variable in order to make cdcontrol want to start.)
 %
-If you have a CD-ROM drive in your machine, you can make the CD-ROM that is
-presently inserted available by typing 'mount /cdrom' as root.  The CD-ROM
-will be available under /cdrom/.  Remember to do 'umount /cdrom' before
-removing the CD-ROM (it will usually not be possible to remove the CD-ROM
-without doing this.)
-
-Note: This tip may not work in all configurations.
-%
-You can install extra packages for FreeBSD by using the ports system.
-If you have installed it, you can download, compile, and install software by
-just typing
-
-	# cd /usr/ports/<category>/<portname>
-	# make install && make clean
-
-as root.  The ports infrastructure will download the software, change it so
-it works on FreeBSD, compile it, install it, register the installation so it
-will be possible to automatically uninstall it, and clean out the temporary
-working space it used.  You can remove an installed port you decide you do not
-want after all by typing
-
-	# cd /usr/ports/<category>/<portname>
-	# make deinstall
+If you want to quickly check for duplicate package/port installations,
+try the following pkg_info command.
 
-as root.
-%
-Nice bash prompt: PS1='(\[$(tput md)\]\t <\w>\[$(tput me)\]) $(echo $?) \$ '
-		-- Mathieu <mathieu@hal.interactionvirtuelle.com>
-%
-To see the output from when your computer started, run dmesg(8).  If it has
-been replaced with other messages, look at /var/run/dmesg.boot.
-		-- Francisco Reyes <lists@natserv.com>
+	pkg_info | sort | sed -e 's/-[0-9].*$//' | \
+	uniq -c | grep -v '^[[:space:]]*1'
 %
-You can use "whereis" to search standard binary, manual page and source
-directories for the specified programs. This can be particularly handy
-when you are trying to find where in the ports tree an application is.
+If you'd like to keep track of applications in the FreeBSD ports tree, take a
+look at FreshPorts;
 
-Try "whereis netscape" and "whereis whereis".
-		-- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr>
-%
-You can press Ctrl-D to quickly exit from a shell, or logout from a
-login shell.
-		-- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr>
+	http://www.freshports.org/
 %
-You can use "pkg_info" to see a list of packages you have installed.
-		-- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr>
+In order to make fetch (the FreeBSD downloading tool) ask for
+username/password when it encounters a password-protected web page, you can set
+the environment variable HTTP_AUTH to 'basic:*'.
 %
-You can change the video mode on all consoles by adding something like
-the following to /etc/rc.conf:
+In order to search for a string in some files, use 'grep' like this:
 
-	allscreens="80x30"
+	 grep "string" filename1 [filename2 filename3 ...]
 
-You can use "vidcontrol -i mode | grep T" for a list of supported text
-modes.
-		-- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr>
-%
-Any user that is a member of the wheel group can use "su -" to simulate
-a root login. You can add a user to the wheel group by editing /etc/group.
-		-- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr>
+This will print out the lines in the files that contain the string.  grep can
+also do a lot more advanced searches - type 'man grep' for details.
 %
-Over quota?  "du -s * | sort -n " will give you a sorted list of your
-directory sizes.
-		-- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
+In order to support national characters for European languages in tools like
+less without creating other nationalisation aspects, set the environment
+variable LC_ALL to 'en_US.ISO8859-1'.
 %
-Handy bash(1) prompt:  PS1="\u@\h \w \!$ "
-		-- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
+In tcsh, you can `set autolist' to have the shell automatically show
+all the possible matches when doing filename/directory expansion.
 %
-Ever wonder what those numbers after command names were, as in cat(1)?  It's
-the section of the manual the man page is in.  "man man" will tell you more.
+"man firewall" will give advice for building a FreeBSD firewall
 		-- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
 %
 "man hier" will explain the way FreeBSD filesystems are normally laid out.
 		-- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
 %
-"man tuning" gives some tips how to tune performance of your FreeBSD system.
-		-- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
-%
-"man firewall" will give advice for building a FreeBSD firewall
-		-- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
-%
-You can often get answers to your questions about FreeBSD by searching in the
-FreeBSD mailing list archives at
-
-	http://www.FreeBSD.org/search/search.html
-%
-You can adjust the volume of various parts of the sound system in your
-computer by typing 'mixer <type> <volume>'.  To get a list of what you can
-adjust, just type 'mixer'.
-%
-You can automatically download and install binary packages by doing
-
-	pkg_add -r <URL>
-
-where you replace <URL> with the URL to the package.  This will also
-automatically install the packages the package you download is dependent on
-(ie, the packages it needs in order to work.)
-%
-You can get a good standard workstation install by using the
-instant-workstation port/package.  If you have ports installed, you can
-install it by doing
-
-	# cd /usr/ports/misc/instant-workstation
-	# make install && make clean
+Man pages are divided into section depending on topic.  There are 9 different
+sections numbered from 1 (General Commands) to 9 (Kernel Developer's Manual).
+You can get an introduction to each topic by typing
 
-as root.  This will install a collection of packages that is convenient to
-have on a workstation.
-%
-You can get a good generic server install by using the
-instant-server port/package.  If you have ports installed, you can
-install it by doing
+	man <number> intro
 
-	# cd /usr/ports/misc/instant-server
-	# make install && make clean
+In other words, to get the intro to general commands, type
 
-as root.  This will install a collection of packages that is appropriate for
-running a "generic" server.
-%
-You can make a log of your terminal session with script(1).
+	man 1 intro
 %
 "man ports" gives many useful hints about installing FreeBSD ports.
 %
 "man security" gives very good advice on how to tune the security of your
 FreeBSD system.
 %
-Want to find a specific port, just type the following under /usr/ports,
-or one its subdirectories:
-
-	"make search name=<port-name>"
-    or
-	"make search key=<keyword>"
+"man tuning" gives some tips how to tune performance of your FreeBSD system.
+		-- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
 %
-Want to see how much virtual memory you're using? Just type "swapinfo" to
-be shown information about the usage of your swap partitions.
+Need to do a search in a manpage or in a file you've sent to a pager? Use
+"/search_word". To repeat the same search, type "n" for next.
+		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-ports/net/netcat port is useful not only for redirecting input/output
-to TCP or UDP connections, but also for proxying them with inetd(8).
+Need to find the location of a program? Use "locate program_name".
+		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-If other operating systems have damaged your Master Boot Record, you can
-reinstall it either with /usr/sbin/sysinstall or with boot0cfg(8). See
-"man boot0cfg" for details.
+Need to leave your terminal for a few minutes and don't want to logout?
+Use "lock -p". When you return, use your password as the key to unlock the
+terminal.
+		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-Need to see the calendar for this month? Simply type "cal".  To see the
-whole year, type "cal -y".
+Need to print a manpage? Use
+
+	man name_of_manpage | col -bx | lpr
 		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-Need to quickly return to your home directory? Type "cd".
+Need to quickly empty a file? Use ": > filename".
 		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-To see the last time that you logged in, use lastlogin(8).
+Need to quickly return to your home directory? Type "cd".
 		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-To clear the screen, use "clear". To re-display your screen buffer, press
-the scroll lock key and use your page up button. When you're finished,
-press the scroll lock key again to get your prompt back.
+Need to remove all those ^M characters from a DOS file? Try
+
+	tr -d \\r < dosfile > newfile
+		-- Originally by Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+Need to see the calendar for this month? Simply type "cal".  To see the
+whole year, type "cal -y".
 		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-To save disk space in your home directory, compress files you rarely
-use with "gzip filename".
+Need to see which daemons are listening for connection requests? Use
+"sockstat -4l" for IPv4, and "sockstat -l" for IPv4 and IPv6.
 		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-To read a compressed file without having to first uncompress it, use
-"zcat" or "zmore" to view it.
+Need to see your routing table? Type "netstat -rn". The entry with the G
+flag is your gateway.
 		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-To see how much disk space is left on your partitions, use
-
-	df -h
+Nice bash prompt: PS1='(\[$(tput md)\]\t <\w>\[$(tput me)\]) $(echo $?) \$ '
+		-- Mathieu <mathieu@hal.interactionvirtuelle.com>
+%
+Nice tcsh prompt: set prompt = '[%B%m%b] %B%~%b%# '
+%
+Nice tcsh prompt: set prompt = '%m %# '
+%
+Nice tcsh prompt: set prompt = '%n@%m%# '
+%
+Over quota?  "du -s * | sort -n " will give you a sorted list of your
+directory sizes.
+		-- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
+%
+ports/net/netcat port is useful not only for redirecting input/output
+to TCP or UDP connections, but also for proxying them with inetd(8).
+%
+sh (the default Bourne shell in FreeBSD) supports command-line editing.  Just
+``set -o emacs'' or ``set -o vi'' to enable it.
+%
+Simple tcsh prompt: set prompt = '%# '
+%
+The default editor in FreeBSD is vi, which is efficient to use when you have
+learned it, but somewhat user-unfriendly.  To use ee (an easier but less
+powerful editor) instead, set the environment variable EDITOR to /usr/bin/ee
+%
+Time to change your password? Type "passwd" and follow the prompts.
 		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-To see the 10 largest files on a directory or partition, use
+To change an environment variable in /bin/sh use:
 
-	du /partition_or_directory_name | sort -rn | head
+	$ VARIABLE="value"
+	$ export VARIABLE
+%
+To change an environment variable in tcsh you use: setenv NAME "value"
+where NAME is the name of the variable and "value" its new value.
+%
+To clear the screen, use "clear". To re-display your screen buffer, press
+the scroll lock key and use your page up button. When you're finished,
+press the scroll lock key again to get your prompt back.
 		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
 To determine whether a file is a text file, executable, or some other type
@@ -359,116 +248,118 @@ of file, use
 	file filename
 		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-Time to change your password? Type "passwd" and follow the prompts.
-		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+To do a fast search for a file, try
+
+	 locate filename
+
+locate uses a database that is updated every Saturday (assuming your computer
+is running FreeBSD at the time) to quickly find files based on name only.
 %
-Want to know how many words, lines, or bytes are contained in a file? Type
-"wc filename".
+To erase a line you've written at the command prompt, use "Ctrl-U".
 		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-Need to print a manpage? Use
+To find out the hostname associated with an IP address, use
 
-	man name_of_manpage | col -bx | lpr
+	dig -x IP_address
 		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-Need to remove all those ^M characters from a DOS file? Try
+To obtain a neat PostScript rendering of a manual page, use ``-t'' switch
+of the man(1) utility: ``man -t <topic>''.  For example:
 
-	tr -d \\r < dosfile > newfile
-		-- Originally by Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+	man -t grep > grep.ps	# Save the PostScript version to a file
+or
+	man -t printf | lp	# Send the PostScript directly to printer
 %
-Forget what directory you are in? Type "pwd".
+To quickly create an empty file, use "touch filename".
 		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-If you are in the C shell and have just installed a new program, you won't
-be able to run it unless you first type "rehash".
+To read a compressed file without having to first uncompress it, use
+"zcat" or "zmore" to view it.
 		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-Need to leave your terminal for a few minutes and don't want to logout?
-Use "lock -p". When you return, use your password as the key to unlock the
-terminal.
+To repeat the last command in the C shell, type "!!".
 		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-Need to find the location of a program? Use "locate program_name".
+To save disk space in your home directory, compress files you rarely
+use with "gzip filename".
 		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-Forget how to spell a word or a variation of a word? Use
+To search for files that match a particular name, use find(1); for example
 
-	look portion_of_word_you_know
-		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+	find / -name "*GENERIC*" -ls
+
+will search '/', and all subdirectories, for files with 'GENERIC' in the name.
+      	--  Stephen Hilton <nospam@hiltonbsd.com>
 %
-To see the last 10 lines of a long file, use "tail filename". To see the
-first 10 lines, use "head filename".
+To see all of the directories on your FreeBSD system, type
+
+	ls -R / | more
 		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
 To see how long it takes a command to run, type the word "time" before the
 command name.
 		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-To quickly create an empty file, use "touch filename".
-		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-To find out the hostname associated with an IP address, use
+To see how much disk space is left on your partitions, use
 
-	dig -x IP_address
+	df -h
 		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-If you use the C shell, add the following line to the .cshrc file in your
-home directory to prevent core files from being written to disk:
+To see the 10 largest files on a directory or partition, use
 
-	limit coredumpsize 0
+	du /partition_or_directory_name | sort -rn | head
 		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-If you need a reminder to leave your terminal, type "leave +hhmm" where
-"hhmm" represents in how many hours and minutes you need to leave.
+To see the IP addresses currently set on your active interfaces, type
+"ifconfig -u".
 		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-Need to do a search in a manpage or in a file you've sent to a pager? Use
-"/search_word". To repeat the same search, type "n" for next.
+To see the last 10 lines of a long file, use "tail filename". To see the
+first 10 lines, use "head filename".
 		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-Forget when Easter is? Try "ncal -e". If you need the date for Orthodox
-Easter, use "ncal -o" instead.
+To see the last time that you logged in, use lastlogin(8).
 		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-Need to see your routing table? Type "netstat -rn". The entry with the G
-flag is your gateway.
+To see the MAC addresses of the NICs on your system, type
+
+	ifconfig -a
 		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-Need to see which daemons are listening for connection requests? Use
-"sockstat -4l" for IPv4, and "sockstat -l" for IPv4 and IPv6.
-		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+To see the output from when your computer started, run dmesg(8).  If it has
+been replaced with other messages, look at /var/run/dmesg.boot.
+		-- Francisco Reyes <lists@natserv.com>
 %
-Can't remember if you've installed a certain port or not? Try "pkg_info
--Ix port_name".
+Want colour in your directory listings?  Use "ls -G".  "ls -F" is also useful,
+and they can be combined as "ls -FG".
 %
-To erase a line you've written at the command prompt, use "Ctrl-U".
-		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+Want to find a specific port, just type the following under /usr/ports,
+or one its subdirectories:
+
+	"make search name=<port-name>"
+    or
+	"make search key=<keyword>"
 %
-To repeat the last command in the C shell, type "!!".
+Want to know how many words, lines, or bytes are contained in a file? Type
+"wc filename".
 		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
 %
-Need to quickly empty a file? Use ": > filename".
-		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+Want to see how much virtual memory you're using? Just type "swapinfo" to
+be shown information about the usage of your swap partitions.
 %
-To see all of the directories on your FreeBSD system, type
+Want to strip UTF-8 BOM(Byte Order Mark) from given files?
 
-	ls -R / | more
-		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-To see the IP addresses currently set on your active interfaces, type
-"ifconfig -u".
-		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+	sed -e '1s/^\xef\xbb\xbf//' < bomfile > newfile
 %
-To see the MAC addresses of the NICs on your system, type
+Want to use sed(1) to edit a file in place?  Well, to replace every 'e' with
+an 'o', in a file named 'foo', you can do:
 
-	ifconfig -a
-		-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-You can open up a new split-screen window in (n)vi with :N or :E and then
-use ^w to switch between the two.
-%
-sh (the default Bourne shell in FreeBSD) supports command-line editing.  Just
-``set -o emacs'' or ``set -o vi'' to enable it.
+	sed -i.bak s/e/o/g foo
+
+And you'll get a backup of the original in a file named 'foo.bak', but if you
+want no backup:
+
+	sed -i '' s/e/o/g foo
 %
 When you've made modifications to a file in vi(1) and then find that
 you can't write it, type ``<ESC>!rm -f %'' then ``:w!'' to force the
@@ -477,30 +368,135 @@ write
 This won't work if you don't have write permissions to the directory
 and probably won't be suitable if you're editing through a symbolic link.
 %
-If you want to quickly check for duplicate package/port installations,
-try the following pkg_info command.
+You can adjust the volume of various parts of the sound system in your
+computer by typing 'mixer <type> <volume>'.  To get a list of what you can
+adjust, just type 'mixer'.
+%
+You can automatically download and install binary packages by doing
 
-	pkg_info | sort | sed -e 's/-[0-9].*$//' | \
-	uniq -c | grep -v '^[[:space:]]*1'
+	pkg_add -r <URL>
+
+where you replace <URL> with the URL to the package.  This will also
+automatically install the packages the package you download is dependent on
+(ie, the packages it needs in order to work.)
 %
-Want to use sed(1) to edit a file in place?  Well, to replace every 'e' with
-an 'o', in a file named 'foo', you can do:
+You can change the video mode on all consoles by adding something like
+the following to /etc/rc.conf:
 
-	sed -i.bak s/e/o/g foo
+	allscreens="80x30"
 
-And you'll get a backup of the original in a file named 'foo.bak', but if you
-want no backup:
+You can use "vidcontrol -i mode | grep T" for a list of supported text
+modes.
+		-- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr>
+%
+You can disable tcsh's terminal beep if you `set nobeep'.
+%
+You can get a good generic server install by using the
+instant-server port/package.  If you have ports installed, you can
+install it by doing
 
-	sed -i '' s/e/o/g foo
+	# cd /usr/ports/misc/instant-server
+	# make install && make clean
+
+as root.  This will install a collection of packages that is appropriate for
+running a "generic" server.
 %
-To obtain a neat PostScript rendering of a manual page, use ``-t'' switch
-of the man(1) utility: ``man -t <topic>''.  For example:
+You can get a good standard workstation install by using the
+instant-workstation port/package.  If you have ports installed, you can
+install it by doing
 
-	man -t grep > grep.ps	# Save the PostScript version to a file
-or
-	man -t printf | lp	# Send the PostScript directly to printer
+	# cd /usr/ports/misc/instant-workstation
+	# make install && make clean
+
+as root.  This will install a collection of packages that is convenient to
+have on a workstation.
 %
-Want to strip UTF-8 BOM(Byte Order Mark) from given files?
+You can install extra packages for FreeBSD by using the ports system.
+If you have installed it, you can download, compile, and install software by
+just typing
 
-	sed -e '1s/^\xef\xbb\xbf//' < bomfile > newfile
+	# cd /usr/ports/<category>/<portname>
+	# make install && make clean
+
+as root.  The ports infrastructure will download the software, change it so
+it works on FreeBSD, compile it, install it, register the installation so it
+will be possible to automatically uninstall it, and clean out the temporary
+working space it used.  You can remove an installed port you decide you do not
+want after all by typing
+
+	# cd /usr/ports/<category>/<portname>
+	# make deinstall
+
+as root.
+%
+You can look through a file in a nice text-based interface by typing
+
+	less filename
+%
+You can make a log of your terminal session with script(1).
+%
+You can often get answers to your questions about FreeBSD by searching in the
+FreeBSD mailing list archives at
+
+	http://www.FreeBSD.org/search/search.html
+%
+You can open up a new split-screen window in (n)vi with :N or :E and then
+use ^w to switch between the two.
+%
+You can permanently set environment variables for your shell by putting them
+in a startup file for the shell.  The name of the startup file varies
+depending on the shell - csh and tcsh uses .login, bash, sh, ksh and zsh use
+.profile.  When using bash, sh, ksh or zsh, don't forget to export the
+variable.
+%
+You can press Ctrl-D to quickly exit from a shell, or logout from a
+login shell.
+		-- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr>
+%
+You can press up-arrow or down-arrow to walk through a list of
+previous commands in tcsh.
+%
+You can search for documentation on a keyword by typing
+
+	apropos keyword
+%
+You can `set autologout = 30' to have tcsh log you off automatically
+if you leave the shell idle for more than 30 minutes.
+%
+You can use aliases to decrease the amount of typing you need to do to get
+commands you commonly use.  Examples of fairly popular aliases include (in
+Bourne shell style, as in /bin/sh, bash, ksh, and zsh):
+
+	alias lf="ls -FA"
+	alias ll="ls -lA"
+	alias su="su -m"
+
+In csh or tcsh, these would be
+
+	alias lf ls -FA
+	alias ll ls -lA
+	alias su su -m
+
+To remove an alias, you can usually use 'unalias aliasname'.  To list all
+aliases, you can usually type just 'alias'.
+%
+You can use /etc/make.conf to control the options used to compile software
+on this system.  Example entries are in
+/usr/share/examples/etc/make.conf.
+%
+You can use "pkg_info" to see a list of packages you have installed.
+		-- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr>
+%
+You can use the 'fetch' command to retrieve files over ftp or http.
+
+	 fetch http://www.FreeBSD.org/index.html
+
+will download the front page of the FreeBSD web site.
+%
+You can use "whereis" to search standard binary, manual page and source
+directories for the specified programs. This can be particularly handy
+when you are trying to find where in the ports tree an application is.
+
+Try "whereis netscape" and "whereis whereis".
+		-- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr>
 %
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick b/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick
index 0c8c4f2..0a3d7cb 100644
--- a/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick
@@ -1263,12 +1263,6 @@ Made love to his sweetheart berserkly.
 	He would break off and fuck her
 Horizontally, laterally and verkeley.
 %
-There was a young lady from Rio
-Who slept with the Fornier trio.
-	As she dropped her panties
-	She said, "No andantes,
-I want this allegro con brio!"
-%
 A young wife in the outskirts of Reims
 Preferred frigging to going to mass.
 	Said her husband, "Take Jacques,
@@ -1377,6 +1371,12 @@ Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
 	But not the young lad
 (Except for the toupee and truss).
 %
+An earnest young woman in Thrace
+Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!"
+	So he gave her a thwack,
+	And did on her back,
+What he couldn't have done face to face.
+%
 An Edwardian father named Udgeon,
 Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon,
 	Used on Saturday nights
@@ -1502,12 +1502,6 @@ Who valued her morals too dearly
 	Only once every year,
 And she strained her vagina severely.
 %
-An earnest young woman in Thrace
-Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!"
-	So he gave her a thwack,
-	And did on her back,
-What he couldn't have done face to face.
-%
 And then there's the story that's fraught
 With disaster -- of balls that got caught,
 	When a chap took a crap
@@ -1697,12 +1691,6 @@ Discovered a marvelous fossil.
 	And the knot on the end,
 T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
 %
-There was a young man from the Coast
-Who had an affair with a ghost.
-	At the height of orgasm
-	Said the pallid phantasm,
-"I think I can feel it -- almost!"
-%
 There once was a bishop from Birmingham
 Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em.
 	As they knelt on the hassock
@@ -3144,6 +3132,12 @@ Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
 	And a fly-button found
 Lodged tight in her hole so it seems.
 %
+There was a young lady from Rio
+Who slept with the Fornier trio.
+	As she dropped her panties
+	She said, "No andantes,
+I want this allegro con brio!"
+%
 There was a young lady from Siam
 Who said to her lover, one Kiam,
 	"You may kiss me of course,
@@ -3770,6 +3764,12 @@ Who boasted so torrid a tool
 	Explored by this satyr
 Seemed almost unpleasantly cool.
 %
+There was a young man from the Coast
+Who had an affair with a ghost.
+	At the height of orgasm
+	Said the pallid phantasm,
+"I think I can feel it -- almost!"
+%
 There was a young man from Tibet-
 And this is the strangest one yet-
 	Whose tool was so long,
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy b/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy
index be7ce68..d044409 100644
--- a/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy
@@ -1,991 +1,1021 @@
 %%$FreeBSD$
 %
-When things are going well, someone will inevitably
-experiment detrimentally.
+(1)	Anyone can make a decision given enough facts.
+(2)	A good manager can make a decision without enough
+	facts.
+(3)	A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance.
 %
-If not controlled, work will flow to the competent
-man until he submerges.
+(1)	Everything depends.
+(2)	Nothing is always.
+(3)	Everything is sometimes.
 %
-The deficiency will never show itself during the test runs.
+(1)	Everything is a system.
+(2)	Everything is part of a larger system.
+(3)	The universe is infinitely systematized both upward
+	(larger systems) and downward (smaller systems).
+(4)	All systems are infinitely complex.  (The illusion
+	of simplicity comes from focusing attention on
+	one or a few variables).
 %
-The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found
-in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting.
+(1)	If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology.
+(2)	If it stinks, it's chemistry.
+(3)	If it doesn't work, it's physics.
 %
-It is impossible to build a fool proof system;
-because fools are so ingenious.
+(1)	If the weather is extremely bad, church
+	attendance will be down.
+(2)	If the weather is extremely good, church
+	attendance will be down.
+(3)	If the bulletin covers are in short supply
+	church attendance will exceed all expectations.
 %
-Talent in staff work or sales will continually be
-interpreted as managerial ability.
+(1)	If you like it, they don't have it in your size.
+(2)	If you like it and it's in your size, it doesn't
+	fit anyway.
+(4)	If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it.
+(5)	If you like it, it fits and you can afford it, it
+	falls apart the first time you wear it.
 %
-Information travels more surely to those with a
-lesser need to know.
+(1)	Never draw what you can copy.
+(2)	Never copy what you can trace.
+(3)	Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
 %
-The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his
-subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems.
+(1)	The telephone will ring when you are outside the
+	door, fumbling for your keys.
+
+(2)	You will reach it just in time to hear the click
+	of the caller hanging up.
 %
-An original idea can never emerge from committee
-in its original form.
+1) Things will get worse before they get better.
+2) Who said things would get better?
 %
-No good deed goes unpunished.
+80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture
+you missed about the one book you didn't read.
 %
-When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system
-will perform perfectly.
+90% of everything is crud.
 %
-Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce
-multiple interpretations.
+A $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10c fuse by blowing
+first.
 %
-The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by
-the paper clip of the overlying memo and go to file.
+A 60-day warranty guarantees that the product will
+self-destruct on the 61st day.
 %
-On successive charts of the same organization, the number of
-boxes will never decrease.
+A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.
 %
-It is ok to be ignorant in some areas,
-but some people abuse the privilege.
+A bird in the hand is dead.
 %
-Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment
-to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime.
+A budget is a plan that falls apart when the plumber
+has to make an emergency visit.
 %
-Success can be insured only by devising a defense against
-failure of the contingency plan.
+A budget is buying a dress two sizes too small because
+it was marked down.
 %
-Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later.
+A budget is saving quarters in a mason jar for
+Christmas and spending them by Easter.
 %
-Performance is directly affected by the perversity of
-inanimate objects.
+A budget is spending $15.00 on gas to drive to a
+shopping mall to save $4.30 on a 20 pound turkey.
 %
-Leakproof seals --- will.
+A budget is trying to figure out how the family next
+door is doing it.
 %
-Never offend people with style
-when you can offend them with substance.
+A budget is trying to make $25.00 go as far today as
+it did when you were first married.
 %
-Our customers' paperwork is profit.
-Our own paperwork is loss.
+A budget is wondering why you should balance yours
+if the government can not balance theirs.
 %
-At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable.
+A car and a truck approaching each other on an otherwise
+deserted road will meet at the narrow bridge.
 %
-As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
+A carelessly planned project will take three times
+longer than expected; a carefully planned project will
+take only twice as long.
 %
-This space for rent.
+A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
 %
-The more directives you issue to solve a problem,
-the worse it gets.
+A closed mouth gathers no foot.
 %
-Cop-out number 1.
-You should have seen it when I got it.
+A complex system designed from scratch never works and
+cannot be patched up to make it work.  You have to start
+over, beginning with a working simple system.
 %
-The road to hell is paved with good intentions
-and littered with sloppy analyses!
+A complex system that works is invariably found to have
+evolved from a simple system that works.
 %
-Self starters --- won't.
+A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
 %
-If the assumptions are wrong,
-the conclusions aren't likely to be very good.
+A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.
 %
-The organization of any program reflects the organization
-of the people who developed it.
+A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not
+take place.
 %
-There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist",
-only a capitalist.
+A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the
+whole thing".
 %
-Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.
+A day without sunshine ....
+is like ... night!
 %
-The meek will inherit the earth
-after the rest of us go to the stars.
+A disagreeable task is its own reward.
 %
-Capitalism can exist in one of only two states:
-welfare or warfare.
+A drug is that substance which, when injected into a
+rat, will produce a scientific report.
 %
-History proves nothing.
+A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
 %
-A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much
-technological roccoco.
+A fool and his money are invited places.
 %
-A little humility is arrogance.
+A fool and his money soon go partying.
 %
-Interchangeable parts --- won't.
+A fool and your money are soon partners.
 %
-Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of
-faults is proportional to the number of viewers.
+A free agent is anything but.
 %
-All American cars are basically Chevrolets.
+A hug is the perfect gift - one size fits all, and
+nobody minds if you exchange it.
 %
-A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not
-take place.
+A large system, produced by expanding the dimensions of
+a smaller system, does not behave like the smaller system.
 %
-No experiment is ever a complete failure.
-It can always be used as a bad example.
+A little ambiguity never hurt anyone.
 %
-Despite the sign that says "wet paint",
-please don't.
+A little humility is arrogance.
 %
-People don't change; they only become more so.
+A little ignorance can go a long way.
 %
-I finally got it all together...
-but I forgot where I put it.
+A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much
+technological roccoco.
 %
-If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is
-because of something left out, rather than added.
+A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality.
 %
-There is always one more bug.
+A man should be greater than some of his parts.
 %
-The big guys always win.
+A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or
+her opposition.
 %
-Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
+A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept
+and the hours are lost.
 %
-It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
+A memorandum is written not to inform the reader
+but to protect the writer.
 %
-It is better to be part of the idle rich class
-than be part of the idle poor class.
+A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick
+in the pants.
 %
-Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem.
+A penny saved is ... not much.
 %
-For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
+A pessimist is an optimist with experience.
 %
-If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough
-chances are someone else will do it for you.
+A physician's ability is inversely proportional
+to his availability.
 %
-Everybody's gotta be someplace.
+A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered
+only during the semester following the desired course.
 %
-Nature is a mother.
+A president of a democracy is a man who is always ready,
+willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.
 %
-If you've got them by the balls,
-their hearts and minds will follow.
+A RACF protected dataset is inaccessible.
 %
-People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell
-them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
+A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
 %
-If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset.
+A shy, introverted child will choose a crowded public
+area to loudly demonstrate newly acquired vocabulary.
 %
-Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
+A stagnant science is at a standstill.
 %
-Any given program costs more and takes longer.
+A theory is better than its explanation.
 %
-If a program is useful, it will be changed.
+A work project expands to fill the space available.
 %
-If a program is useless, it will be documented.
+Absolutely nothing in the world is friendlier than
+a wet dog.
 %
-Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
+Access holes will be 1/2" too small.
+Holes that are the right size will be in the wrong place.
 %
-The value of a program is proportional
-to the weight of its output.
+ACF2 is a four letter word.
 %
-Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy!
+Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later.
 %
-Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability
-of the programmer who must maintain it.
+After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said
+than done
 %
-Make it possible for programmers to write programs
-in English and you will find that programmers cannot
-write in English.
+After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle
+will repeat itself.
 %
-When more and more people are thrown out of work,
-unemployment results.
+After winning an argument with his wife,
+the wisest thing a man can do is apologize.
 %
-If you can't measure it, I'm not interested.
+All American cars are basically Chevrolets.
 %
-The best way to lie is to tell the truth.....
-carefully edited truth.
+All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.
 %
-There are three ways to get things done:
-	(1)  Do it yourself,
-	(2)  Hire someone to do it, or
-	(3)  Forbid your kids to do it.
+All general statements are false.  (Think about it.)
 %
-I think ... therefore I am confused.
+All good things must come to an end.
+I want to know when they start!
 %
-A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
+All things being equal, all things are never equal.
 %
-History repeats itself.
-that's one of the things wrong with history.
+All things being equal, you lose.
+
+All things being in your favor, you still lose.
+
+Win or lose, you lose.
 %
-90% of everything is crud.
+All things come to him whose name is on a mailing list.
 %
-Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can.
+All trails have more uphill sections than they have
+level or downhill sections.
 %
-Those with the best advice offer no advice.
+All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.
 %
-Democracy is that form of government where
-everybody gets what the majority deserves.
+Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
 %
-If you're worried about being crazy,
-don't be overly concerned:
-If you were, you would think you were sane.
+Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
 %
-Pills to be taken in twos always come
-out of the bottle in threes.
+An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his
+own physician.
 %
-Flynn is dead
-Tron is dead
-long live the MCP.
+An auditor enters the battlefield after the war is over,
+and attacks the wounded.
 %
-Why worry about tomorrow?  We may not make it through today!
+An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful
+than a complex, incomprehensible truth.
 %
-Real programmers don't number paragraph names
-consecutively.
+An expert doesn't know any more than you do.  He or she is
+merely better organized and uses slides.
 %
-If you're feeling good, don't worry,
-you'll get over it.
+An expert is anyone from out of town.
 %
-Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages
-of Cobol when they don't know any other language.
+An expert is one who knows more and more about less
+and less until he knows absolutely everything
+about nothing.
 %
-Definition of an elephant:
-A mouse built to government specifications.
+An optimist believes we live in the best of all
+possible worlds.
+A pessimist fears this is true.
 %
-Real programmers are kind to rookies.
+An optimist is a person who looks forward to marriage.
+A pessimist is a married optimist!
 %
-Real programmers don't notch their desks for each
-completed service request.
+An original idea can never emerge from committee
+in its original form.
 %
-You don't have to be crazy to work here
-but it sure helps!!!!!!!
+An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
 %
-Real programmers don't announce how many times the
-operations department called them last night.
+An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
 %
-A day without sunshine ....
-is like ... night!
+Any child who chatters non-stop at home will adamantly
+refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate
+for an audience.
 %
-Real programmers are secure enough to write readable code,
-which they then self-righteously refuse to explain.
+Any circuit design must contain at least one part which
+is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three
+parts which at still under development.
 %
-Real programmers don't play video games, they write them.
+Any cooking utensil placed in the dishwasher will be
+needed immediately thereafter for something else.
 %
-Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
+Any given program costs more and takes longer.
 %
-Real programmers understand Pascal.
+Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
 %
-Real programmers know it's not operations'
-fault if their jobs go into "hogs".
+Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
 %
-Real programmers do not eat breakfast from the
-vending machines.
+Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion
+if it did occur, will occur.
 %
-Real programmers punch up their own programs.
+Any line, however short, is still too long.
 %
-When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.
+Any measuring utensil used for liquid ingredients will
+be needed immediately thereafter for dry ingredients.
 %
-Real programmers have read the standards manual
-but won't admit it.
+Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.
 %
-Real programmers don't advertise their hangovers.
+Any technical problem can be overcome given enough
+time and money.
+
+You are never given enough time or money.
 %
-Real programmers don't dress for success unless
-they are trying to convince others that they are
-going on interviews.
+Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of
+approximate, additional assumptions.
 %
-Real programmers do not practice four-syllable words before
-walkthroughs.
+Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of
+faults is proportional to the number of viewers.
 %
-All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.
+Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath
+to the exact center.
 %
-Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a
-matter of principle.
+Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry.
 %
-The final test is when it goes production ...
-w h e n  i t  g o e s   p r o d u c t i o n  ...
-w h e n     i  t     g  o  e  s     p  r  o  d  u  c  t
-w h  e   n       i   t       g   o   e   s       p   r   o
+Anyone who follows a crowd will
+never be followed by a crowd.
 %
-Real programmers drink too much coffee so that they will
-always seem tense and overworked.
+Anything good in life either causes cancer in
+laboratory mice or is taxed beyond reality.
 %
-Real programmers always have a better idea.
+Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or
+fattening.
 %
-Anyone who follows a crowd will
-never be followed by a crowd.
+Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.
 %
-Real programmers can do octal, hexadecimal and
-binary math in their heads.
+Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.
 %
-Real programmers don't write memos.
+Anything is possible if you don't know what you're
+talking about.
 %
-Real programmers know what saad means.
+Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
 %
-Real programmers do not utter profanities at an elevated
-decibel level.
+Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than
+you thought.
 %
-Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit.
+As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
 %
-Real programmers do not apply DP terminology to non-DP
-situations.
+Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups.
 %
-I no longer get lost in the shuffle....
-I shuffle along with the lost.
+Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
 %
-Real programmers do not read books like
-"effective listening" and "communication skills".
+At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from
+the aisle arrive last.
 %
-Real programmers print only clean compiles,
-fixing all errors through the terminal.
+At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable.
 %
-The early worm deserves the bird.
+At the end of the semester you will recall having
+enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester
+-- and never attending.
 %
-Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!!
+Authorization for a project will be granted only when
+none of the authorizers can be blamed if the project
+fails but when all of the authorizers can claim credit
+if it succeeds.
 %
-All good things must come to an end.
-I want to know when they start!
+Automotive engine repairing law:
+If you drop something, it will never reach the ground.
 %
-Blessed are those who go around in circles,
-for they shall be known as wheels.
+Avoid reality at all costs.
 %
-Never eat prunes when you are famished.
+Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed.
 %
-Keep emotionally active,
-cater to your favorite neurosis.
+Bad news drives good news out of the media.
 %
-A RACF protected dataset is inaccessible.
+Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always
+point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark.
 %
-RACF is a four letter word.
+Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone.
 %
-You may be recognized soon.
-Hide!
-If they find you, lie.
+Before ordering a test decide what you will do if it is,
+(1)	positive, or
+(2)	negative.
+If both answers are the same, don't do the test.
 %
-You can pray hard enough to make water run uphill
-how hard?
-Hard enough to make water run uphill.
+Beware of the physician who is great at getting
+out of trouble.
 %
-Avoid reality at all costs.
+Blessed are those who go around in circles,
+for they shall be known as wheels.
 %
-Program design philosophy:
-
-	Start at the beginning and continue until the end,
-	then stop.
-		-- Lewis Carroll
+Blessed is he who expects no gratitude,
+for he shall not be disappointed.
 %
-A closed mouth gathers no foot.
+Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and
+knows it for he shall enjoy living.
 %
-Only a mediocre person is always at their best.
+Build a system that even a fool can use,
+and only a fool will use it.
 %
-Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
+Calm down .... it is only ones and zeros.
 %
-In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level,
-the greater the confusion.
+Can't produces countercan't.
 %
-The first time is for love.
-The next time is $200.
+Capitalism can exist in one of only two states:
+welfare or warfare.
 %
-Of two possible events,
-only the undesired one will occur.
+Celibacy is not hereditary.
 %
-The faster the plane,
-the narrower the seats.
+Class schedules are designed so that every student will
+waste the maximum time between classes.
 %
-If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know.
+Cleanliness is next to impossible.
 %
-If on an actuarial basis there is a 50/50 chance that
-something will go wrong,
-It will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.
+Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce
+multiple interpretations.
 %
-A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality.
+"Close" only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and
+thermonuclear devices.
 %
-The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to
-save all of the parts.
+Common sense is not so common.
 %
-1) Things will get worse before they get better.
-2) Who said things would get better?
+Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand
+wrong answers.
 %
-If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.
+Complex systems tend to oppose their own proper function.
 %
-There is a solution to every problem;
-the only difficulty is finding it.
+Complicated systems produce unexpected outcomes.
 %
-Don't make your doctor your heir.
+Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for
+a number and then give it back to them.
 %
-Don't ask the barber if you need a haircut.
+Consumer assistance doesn't.
 %
-If there isn't a law, there will be.
+Cop-out number 1.
+You should have seen it when I got it.
 %
-If you don't like the answer,
-you shouldn't have asked the question.
+Cost of repair can be determined by multiplying the
+cost of your new coat by 1.75, or by multiplying the
+cost of a new washer by .75.
 %
-Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
+Create problems for which only you have the answer.
 %
-You can't expect to hit the jackpot
-if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.
+Definition of an elephant:
+A mouse built to government specifications.
 %
-Unless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man
-in the balls, not even symbolically or perhaps especially
-not symbolically.
+Democracy is that form of government where
+everybody gets what the majority deserves.
 %
-Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse
-proportion to their soundness and validity.
+Despite the sign that says "wet paint",
+please don't.
 %
-A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
+Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
 %
-If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor.
+Do whatever your enemies don't want you to do.
 %
-If you know, you can't say.
+Don't ask the barber if you need a haircut.
 %
-The meek shall inherit the earth,
-but not its mineral rights.
+Don't bite the hand that has your pay check in it.
 %
-When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
+Don't fight with a bear in his own cage.
 %
-Common sense is not so common.
+Don't force it,
+get a bigger hammer.
 %
-If we learn by our mistakes,
-I'm getting one hell of an education!!
+Don't let your superiors know you're better than
+they are.
 %
-Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the
-embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.
+Don't look back, something may be gaining on you.
 %
-Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation
-for being useful.
+Don't make your doctor your heir.
 %
-You will always find something in the last place you look.
+Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy!
 %
-The probability of anything happening is in
-inverse ratio to its desirability.
+Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost.
 %
-The first myth of management is that it exists
-the second myth of management is that success equals skill.
+Don't smoke in bed - the ashes on the floor might be your
+own.
 %
-If it's good they will stop making it.
+Don't stop to stomp on ants
+when the elephants are stampeding.
 %
-Inside every large program
-is a small program struggling to get out.
+During the time an item is on back-order, it will be
+available cheaper and quicker from many other sources.
 %
-A memorandum is written not to inform the reader
-but to protect the writer.
+Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem.
 %
-Never insult an alligator
-until after you have crossed the river.
+Easy doesn't do it.
 %
-Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.
+Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing
+worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
 %
-When your opponent is down, kick him.
+Entropy has us outnumbered.
 %
-The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of
-someone he can blame it on.
+Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick
+them will stick to other things when you don't want
+them to.
 %
-The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered
-side down is directly proportional to the cost of the
-carpet.
+Even paranoids have enemies.
 %
-In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
+Even water tastes bad when taken on doctors orders.
 %
-Last guys don't finish nice.
+Every great idea has a disadvantage equal to or
+exceeding the greatness of the idea.
 %
-Never admit anything.
-Never regret anything
-whatever it is, you're not responsible.
+Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
 %
-If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.
+Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since
+nobody listens.
 %
-When working toward the solution of a problem,
-it always helps if you know the answer.
-Provided of course you know there is a problem.
+Everybody wants a pain shot at the same time.
 %
-The usefulness of any meeting
-is in inverse proportion to the attendance.
+Everybody who didn't want a pain shot when you were
+passing out pain shots wants one when you are passing
+out sleeping pills.
 %
-The sun goes down just when you need it the most.
+Everybody's gotta be someplace.
 %
-Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary
-drivel off the TV screen.
+Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment
+to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime.
 %
-Whatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest
-number must happen.
+Everyone gets away with something.
+No one gets away with everything.
 %
-No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after
-you have bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
+Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
 %
-Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line.
+Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually
+plunge into the Atlantic ocean.
 %
-A disagreeable task is its own reward.
+Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.
 %
-If things were left to chance, they'd be better.
+Everything is contagious.
 %
-The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk
-to the other end of the building.
+Everything is revealed to he who turns over enough stones.
+(Including the snakes that he did not want to find.)
 %
-Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry.
+Everything may be divided into as many parts as you please.
 %
-A president of a democracy is a man who is always ready,
-willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.
+Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.
 %
-If a thing is done wrong often enough
-it becomes right.
+Everything takes longer than you expect.
 %
-People will buy anything that is one to a customer.
+Exciting plays occur only while you are watching the
+scoreboard or out buying a hot dog.
 %
-If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always
-manage to boot yourself in the posterior.
+Fact is solidified opinion.
 %
-No one's life, liberty, or property are safe
-while the legislature is in session.
+Facts may weaken under extreme heat and pressure.
 %
-Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job.
+Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed
+talent.
 %
-Bad news drives good news out of the media.
+Flynn is dead
+Tron is dead
+long live the MCP.
 %
-Just when you get really good at something,
-you don't need to do it anymore.
+Fools rush in -- and get the best seats.
 %
-If facts do not conform to the theory,
-they must be disposed of.
+For every action, there is an equal and opposite
+criticism.
 %
-Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
+For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
 %
-When properly administered, vacations do not diminish
-productivity.  For every week you are away and get nothing
-done, there is another week when your boss is away and you
-get twice as much done.
+For every credibility gap there is a gullibility gap.
 %
-No matter what happens, there is always somebody
-who knew that it would.
+For every human problem, there is a neat, plain solution --
+and it is always wrong.
 %
-The other line always moves faster.
+For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.
 %
-To get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
+Forgive and remember.
 %
-When all else fails, read the instructions.
+Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse
+proportion to their soundness and validity.
 %
-Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than
-you thought.
+Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
 %
-"Close" only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and
-thermonuclear devices.
+Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the
+embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.
 %
-The lion and the calf shall lie down together,
-but the calf won't get much sleep.
+Go where the money is.
 %
-If you fool around with a thing for very long you will
-screw it up.
+Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
 %
-It is better for civilization to be going down the drain,
-than to be coming up it.
+He who dies with the most toys wins.
 %
-A $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10c fuse by blowing
-first.
+He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
+the next freeway exit.
 %
-Justice always prevails...
-three times out of seven.
+He who laughs last -- probably didn't get the joke.
 %
-If it jams --- force it.  If it breaks,
-it needed replacing anyway.
+He who marries for money ... better be nice to his wife.
 %
-I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which,
-when you looked at it in the right way, did not become
-still more complicated.
-		-- Poul Anderson
+Hindsight is an exact science.
 %
-Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath
-to the exact center.
+History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely
+repeat each other.
 %
-No matter which direction you start,
-it's always against the wind coming back.
+History proves nothing.
 %
-The repairman will never have seen a model quite like
-yours before.
+History repeats itself.
+that's one of the things wrong with history.
 %
-Don't force it,
-get a bigger hammer.
+Hockey is a game played by six good players and the
+home team.
 %
-When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman,
-it will work perfectly.
+Hollerith got us into this hole mess!
 %
-An optimist is a person who looks forward to marriage.
-A pessimist is a married optimist!
+Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.
 %
-A pessimist is an optimist with experience.
+How did they measure hail before the golf ball was invented?
 %
-Old programmers never die - they just abend.
+How do they know no two snowflakes are alike?
 %
-The success of any venture will be helped by prayer,
-even in the wrong denomination.
+How long a minute is depends on which side of the
+bathroom door you're on.
 %
-Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet
-somebody moves the ends!
+I can only please one person per day.
+Today is not your day.
+(Tomorrow isn't looking good either.)
 %
-Just because you are paranoid
-doesn't mean "they" aren't out to get you.
+I finally got it all together...
+but I forgot where I put it.
 %
-If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong
-equipment.
+I have not lost my mind, it is backed up on tape somewhere.
 %
-Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink,
-some prefer to just gargle.
+I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which,
+when you looked at it in the right way, did not become
+still more complicated.
+		-- Poul Anderson
 %
-Everything is revealed to he who turns over enough stones.
-(Including the snakes that he did not want to find.)
+I know you believe you understand
+   what you think I said,
+      however, I am not sure you realize,
+         that what I think you heard
+            is not what I meant
 %
-Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least.
+I no longer get lost in the shuffle....
+I shuffle along with the lost.
 %
-Build a system that even a fool can use,
-and only a fool will use it.
+I think ... therefore I am confused.
 %
-Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
+If a program is useful, it will be changed.
 %
-In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level
-of incompetence, and then remains there.
+If a program is useless, it will be documented.
 %
-It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick
-up something from the floor while you get up.
+If a scientist uncovers a publishable fact, it will
+become central to his theory.
+
+His theory, in turn, will become central to all
+scientific truth.
 %
-You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash
-when the garbage truck is two doors away.
+If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in
+the worst possible sequence.
 %
-Misery no longer loves company
-nowadays it insists on it.
+If a situation requires undivided attention, it will
+occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction.
 %
-Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.
+If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two
+data points.
 %
-There's never time to do it right, but there's always
-time to do it over.
+If a thing is done wrong often enough
+it becomes right.
 %
-On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone
-can be unhappy -- but we will work on it.
+If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong
+equipment.
 %
-When in doubt, mumble.  When in trouble, delegate.
+If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be
+implemented, it wasn't worth doing.
 %
-The more ridiculous a belief system,
-the higher probability of its success.
+If an item is advertised as "under $50," you can bet
+it's not $19.95.
 %
-Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or
-fattening.
+If anything can go wrong, it will.
 %
-Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
+If anything can't go wrong it will.
 %
-A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.
+If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries.
 %
-The ratio of time involved in work to time available for
-work is usually about 0.6
+If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset.
 %
-Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and
-knows it for he shall enjoy living.
+If at first you don't succeed, try something else.
 %
-Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually
-plunge into the Atlantic ocean.
+If at first you don't succeed,
+blame it on your supervisor.
 %
-Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
+If daily class attendance is mandatory, a scheduled
+exam will produce increased absenteeism.  If attendance
+is optional, a scheduled exam will produce persons you
+have never seen before.
 %
-Blessed is he who expects no gratitude,
-for he shall not be disappointed.
+If everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it.
 %
-The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of
-an oncoming train.
+If everything is coming your way, you're in the
+wrong lane.
 %
-Celibacy is not hereditary.
+If everything seems to be going well,
+you obviously don't know what the hell is going on.
 %
-You can observe a lot just by watching.
+If facts do not conform to the theory,
+they must be disposed of.
+%
+If his IQ was any lower he'd be a plant.
 %
 If it can be borrowed and it can be broken,
 you will borrow it and
 you will break it.
 %
-Live within your income,
-even if you have to borrow to do so.
+If it happens, it must be possible.
 %
-Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone.
+If it jams --- force it.  If it breaks,
+it needed replacing anyway.
 %
-Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
+If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you've just
+become the expert.
 %
-To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression.
+If it weren't for the opinion polls we'd never know
+what people are undecided about.
 %
-An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
+If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company
+will insist upon repairing the old one.
 %
-Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
+If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the
+company will insist on the latest model.
 %
-A bird in the hand is dead.
+If it's clean, it isn't laundry.
 %
-Never put all your eggs in your pocket.
+If it's good, they discontinue it.
 %
-If everything seems to be going well,
-you obviously don't know what the hell is going on.
+If it's good they will stop making it.
 %
-If at first you don't succeed,
-blame it on your supervisor.
+If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
 %
 If more than one person is responsible for a
 miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
 %
-Don't bite the hand that has your pay check in it.
-%
-In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
-%
-When in doubt, mumble.
-When in trouble, delegate.
-When in charge, ponder.
-%
-Please don't steal, the IRS hates competition!
-%
-Never argue with a fool,
-people might not know the difference.
-%
-You can't guard against the arbitrary.
-%
-People can be divided into three groups:
-Those who make things happen,
-Those who watch things happen and
-Those who wonder what happened.
+If Murphy's law can go wrong, it will.
 %
-The one thing that money can not buy is poverty.
+If not controlled, work will flow to the competent
+man until he submerges.
 %
-You are not drunk if you can lay on the floor without
-holding on.
+If on an actuarial basis there is a 50/50 chance that
+something will go wrong,
+It will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.
 %
-In any household, junk accumulates to the space
-available for its storage.
+If one views his problem closely enough he will
+recognize himself as part of the problem.
 %
-Don't stop to stomp on ants
-when the elephants are stampeding.
+If only one price can be obtained for any quotation,
+the price will be unreasonable.
 %
-The longer the title the less important the job.
+If opportunity came disguised as temptation,
+one knock would be enough.
 %
-Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion
-if it did occur, will occur.
+If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of
+change will exceed the rate of progress.
 %
-When you are right be logical,
-when you are wrong be-fuddle.
+If reproducibility may be a problem conduct the
+test only once.
 %
-For every human problem, there is a neat, plain solution --
-and it is always wrong.
+If several things that could have gone wrong have not
+gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial
+for them to have gone wrong.
 %
-There are no winners in life:  Only survivors.
+If the assumptions are wrong,
+the conclusions aren't likely to be very good.
 %
-When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad.
+If the course you wanted most has room for 'n' students
+you will be the 'n + 1' to apply.
 %
-The yoo-hoo you yoo-hoo into the forest is the yoo-hoo you
-get back.
+If the faulty part is in stock, it didn't need replacing
+in the first place.
 %
-You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.
+If there are only two shows worth watching, they will
+be on together.
 %
-The idea is to die young as late as possible.
+If there isn't a law, there will be.
 %
-No man is lonely while eating spaghetti.
+If there was any justice in this world, people would
+occasionally be permitted to fly over pigeons.
 %
-It's better to retire too soon than too late.
+If things were left to chance, they'd be better.
 %
-A man should be greater than some of his parts.
+If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
 %
-If you don't say it, they can't repeat it.
+If we learn by our mistakes,
+I'm getting one hell of an education!!
 %
-Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.
+If you allow someone to get in front of you either:
+(1)	The car in front will be the last one over a
+	railroad crossing, and you will be stuck waiting
+	for a long, slow-moving train; or
+(2)	you both will have the same destination and the
+	other car will get the last parking space.
 %
-Everything takes longer than you expect.
+If you are already in a hole, there's no use to continue
+digging.
 %
-Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse.
+If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget
+your book.
+If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget
+where you live.
 %
-If you see that there are four possible ways in which a
-procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a
-fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
+If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe,
+there won't be any left by the time they are ripe.  If
+you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten.
 %
-Things get worse under pressure.
+If you can get the faulty part off, the parts house
+will have it back-ordered.
 %
-Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional
-and employ faulty reasoning.
+If you can get to the faulty part, you don't have the
+tool to get it off.
 %
-A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.
+If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
+theirs, then you just don't understand the problem.
 %
-Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
+If you can't convince them, confuse them.
 %
-The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the
-time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent.
+If you can't measure it, I'm not interested.
 %
-If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
+If you can't measure output then you measure input.
 %
-Don't look back, something may be gaining on you.
+If you change lines, the one you just left will start
+to move faster than the one you are now in.
 %
-All things being equal, all things are never equal.
+If you do something right once, someone will ask
+you to do it again.
 %
-Even paranoids have enemies.
+If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
 %
-Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
+If you don't like the answer,
+you shouldn't have asked the question.
 %
-Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet
-reached their level of incompetence.
+If you don't say it, they can't repeat it.
 %
-If at first you don't succeed, try something else.
+If you don't write to complain, you'll never receive
+your order.
+If you do write, you'll receive the merchandise before
+your angry letter reaches its destination.
 %
-If you're coasting, you're going downhill.
+If you fool around with a thing for very long you will
+screw it up.
 %
-Never tell them what you wouldn't do.
+If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man, he
+will find an easier way to do it.
 %
-The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely
-proportional to the subject's true value.
+If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.
 %
-Indifference is the only sure defense.
+If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough
+chances are someone else will do it for you.
 %
-Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.
+If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know.
 %
-If you want to get along, go along.
+If you have to park six blocks away, you will find two
+new parking spaces right in front of the building
+entrance.
 %
-Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.
+If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch
+it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.
 %
-The easiest way to find something lost around the house
-is to buy a replacement.
+If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember
+you - the next time he's in need.
 %
-Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always
-point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark.
+If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always
+manage to boot yourself in the posterior.
 %
-Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will
-establish yourself as an expert.
+If you know, you can't say.
 %
-It works better if you plug it in.
+If you leave the room, you're elected.
 %
-Quit while you're still behind.
+If you lived here you'd be home now.
 %
 If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time,
 you better wear work shoes.
 %
-It's always easier to go down hill, but the view is
-from the top.
-%
-Any line, however short, is still too long.
-%
-Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten.
-%
-If you can't measure output then you measure input.
-%
-Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of
-approximate, additional assumptions.
-%
-Never be first to do anything.
-%
-The chief cause of problems is solutions.
-%
-The only winner in the war of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
+If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent
+of doing you good, you should run for your life.
 %
-A little ignorance can go a long way.
+If you see that there are four possible ways in which a
+procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a
+fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
 %
-Learn to be sincere.  Even if you have to fake it.
+If you smile when everything goes wrong, you are
+either a nitwit or a repairman.
 %
-Entropy has us outnumbered.
+If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.
 %
-Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.
+If you wait, it will go away
+... having done it's damage.
+If it was bad, it'll be back.
 %
-Do whatever your enemies don't want you to do.
+If you want to get along, go along.
 %
-A little ambiguity never hurt anyone.
+If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor.
 %
-Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost.
+If your condition seems to be getting better, it's
+probably your doctor getting sick.
 %
-Go where the money is.
+If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is
+because of something left out, rather than added.
 %
-Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the
-water that keeps it green.
+If you're coasting, you're going downhill.
 %
-A stagnant science is at a standstill.
+If you're early, it'll be canceled.
+If you knock yourself out to be on time, you will
+   have to wait.
+If you're late, you will be too late.
 %
-Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
+If you're feeling good, don't worry,
+you'll get over it.
 %
-For every credibility gap there is a gullibility gap.
+If you're wondering if you have enough money to take
+the family out to eat tonight, you don't.
 %
-Can't produces countercan't.
+If you're wondering if you left the coffee pot
+plugged in, you did.
 %
-If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent
-of doing you good, you should run for your life.
+If you're wondering if you need to stop and pick up
+bread and eggs on the way home, you do.
 %
-When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty
-to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you.
+If you're wondering if you took the meat out to
+thaw, you didn't.
 %
-If you can't convince them, confuse them.
+If you're worried about being crazy,
+don't be overly concerned:
+If you were, you would think you were sane.
 %
-Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups.
+If you've got them by the balls,
+their hearts and minds will follow.
 %
-All general statements are false.  (Think about it.)
+Ignorance should be painful.
 %
-If it happens, it must be possible.
+Important letters which contain no errors will develop
+errors in the mail.
 %
-Them what gets--has.
+In a bureaucratic hierarchy, the higher up the
+organization the less people appreciate Murphy's law,
+the Peter Principle, etc.
 %
-If you are already in a hole, there's no use to continue
-digging.
+In a family recipe you just discovered in an old book,
+the most vital measurement will be illegible.
 %
-People will believe anything if you whisper it.
+In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level,
+the greater the confusion.
 %
-A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick
-in the pants.
+In a hierarchical system, the rate of pay varies
+inversely with the unpleasantness and difficulty
+of the task.
 %
-Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold
-of something else.
+In a three-story building served by one elevator, nine
+times out of ten the elevator car will be on a floor
+where you are not.
 %
-A theory is better than its explanation.
+In any bureaucracy, paperwork increases as you spend
+more and more time reporting on the less and less you
+are doing.  Stability is achieved when you spend all of
+your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
 %
-Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing
-worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
+In any dealings with a collective body of people, the
+people will always be more tacky than originally expected.
 %
-Nobody notices when things go right.
+In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level
+of incompetence, and then remains there.
 %
-There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
+In any household, junk accumulates to the space
+available for its storage.
 %
-Roses are red violets are blue
-I am schizophrenic and so am I
+In any organization there will always be one person
+who knows what is going on.
+This person must be fired.
 %
-If anything can go wrong, it will.
+In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur
+at the opposite end to the end at which you begin
+checking for errors.
 %
-If anything can't go wrong it will.
+In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
 %
-If Murphy's law can go wrong, it will.
+In order for something to become clean, something
+else must become dirty.
+... but you can get everything dirty without getting
+anything clean.
 %
-If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in
-the worst possible sequence.
+In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
 %
-After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle
-will repeat itself.
+Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
 %
-An auditor enters the battlefield after the war is over,
-and attacks the wounded.
+Indecision is the basis for flexibility.
 %
-Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse.
+Indifference is the only sure defense.
 %
-No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody
-who knew it would.
+Information deteriorates upward through the bureaucracies.
 %
-The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
+Information travels more surely to those with a
+lesser need to know.
 %
-(1)	Everything depends.
-(2)	Nothing is always.
-(3)	Everything is sometimes.
+Inside every large program
+is a small program struggling to get out.
 %
-If you wait, it will go away
-... having done it's damage.
-If it was bad, it'll be back.
+Interchangeable parts --- won't.
 %
-Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand
-wrong answers.
+It always takes longer to get there than to get back.
 %
-Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune
-moment.
+It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick
+up something from the floor while you get up.
 %
-When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the
-world's composed of aluminum and vinyl.
+It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex
+task to make them simple.
 %
-In order for something to become clean, something
-else must become dirty.
-... but you can get everything dirty without getting
-anything clean.
+It is better for civilization to be going down the drain,
+than to be coming up it.
 %
-Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
+It is better to be part of the idle rich class
+than be part of the idle poor class.
 %
-The first place to look for anything is the last place
-you would expect to find it.
+It is better to solve a problem with a crude
+approximation and know the truth, than to demand an
+exact solution and not know the truth at all.
 %
-You can always find what you're not looking for.
+It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
 %
-If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
+It is far better to do nothing than to do
+something efficiently.
+		-- Siezbo
 %
 It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly
 surprised.
 %
-A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the
-whole thing".
-%
-Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
-%
-When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
-%
-The time it takes to rectify a situation is
-inversely proportional to the time it took
-to do the damage.
+It is impossible to build a fool proof system;
+because fools are so ingenious.
 %
-An optimist believes we live in the best of all
-possible worlds.
-A pessimist fears this is true.
+It is ok to be ignorant in some areas,
+but some people abuse the privilege.
 %
 It takes longer to glue a vase together than to
 break one.
@@ -993,1237 +1023,1207 @@ break one.
 It takes longer to lose 'x' number of pounds than
 to gain 'x' number of pounds.
 %
-The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in
-will be taken by the person in front of you.
+It the shoe fits, it's ugly.
 %
-If you change lines, the one you just left will start
-to move faster than the one you are now in.
+It works better if you plug it in.
 %
-The longer you wait in line, the greater the
-likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.
+It's always darkest before ... daylight saving time.
 %
-The slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out
-lane.
+It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
 %
-Whenever you cut your fingernails you will find a
-need for them an hour later.
+It's always easier to go down hill, but the view is
+from the top.
 %
-(1)	If the weather is extremely bad, church
-	attendance will be down.
-(2)	If the weather is extremely good, church
-	attendance will be down.
-(3)	If the bulletin covers are in short supply
-	church attendance will exceed all expectations.
+It's better to retire too soon than too late.
 %
-If a situation requires undivided attention, it will
-occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction.
+It's tough to get reallocated when you're the one
+who's redundant.
 %
-The further away the disaster or accident occurs, the
-greater the number of dead and injured required for it
-to become a story.
+Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet
+somebody moves the ends!
 %
-The closer you are to the facts of a situation, the
-more obvious are the errors in all news coverage of
-the situation.
+Just because you are paranoid
+doesn't mean "they" aren't out to get you.
 %
-The further you are from the facts of a situation,
-the more you tend to believe news coverage of the
-situation.
+Just because your doctor has a name for your condition
+doesn't mean he knows what it is.
 %
-The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal
-the letter.
+Just when you get really good at something,
+you don't need to do it anymore.
 %
-The most interesting specimen will not be labeled.
+Justice always prevails...
+three times out of seven.
 %
-Some errors will always go unnoticed until the book
-is in print.
+Keep emotionally active,
+cater to your favorite neurosis.
 %
-The first page the author turns to upon receiving an
-advance copy will be the page containing the worst
-error.
+King Arthur ran the first knight club.
 %
-(1)	Never draw what you can copy.
-(2)	Never copy what you can trace.
-(3)	Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
+Last guys don't finish nice.
 %
-The best shots happen immediately after the last
-frame is exposed.
+Laugh and the world laughs with you. cry and ...
+you have to blow your nose.
 %
-The best shots are generally attempted through the
-lens cap.
+Law expands in proportion to the resources available
+for its enforcement.
 %
-In a three-story building served by one elevator, nine
-times out of ten the elevator car will be on a floor
-where you are not.
+Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten.
 %
-The tendency of smoke from a cigarette, barbeque,
-campfire, etc. to drift into a person's face varies
-directly with that person's sensitivity to smoke.
+Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!!
 %
-The distance to the gate is inversely proportional
-to the time available to catch your flight.
+Leakproof seals --- will.
 %
-Whatever carrousel you stand by, your baggage will
-come in on another one.
+Learn to be sincere.  Even if you have to fake it.
 %
-When traveling overseas, the exchange rate improves
-markedly the day after one has purchased foreign
-currency.
-
-Upon returning home, the exchange rate drops again as
-soon as one has converted all unused foreign currency.
+Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse.
 %
-The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
+Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.
 %
-For every action, there is an equal and opposite
-criticism.
+Life is like an ice-cream cone:  You have to learn to
+lick it.
 %
-Authorization for a project will be granted only when
-none of the authorizers can be blamed if the project
-fails but when all of the authorizers can claim credit
-if it succeeds.
+Liquidity tends to run out.
 %
-If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be
-implemented, it wasn't worth doing.
+Live within your income,
+even if you have to borrow to do so.
 %
-The greater the cost of putting a plan into operation,
-the less chance there is of abandoning the plan - even
-if it subsequently becomes irrelevant.
+Magellan was the first strait man.
 %
-The higher the level of prestige accorded the people
-behind the plan, the least less chance there is of
-abandoning it.
+Make it possible for programmers to write programs
+in English and you will find that programmers cannot
+write in English.
 %
-In any organization there will always be one person
-who knows what is going on.
-This person must be fired.
+Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will
+establish yourself as an expert.
 %
-It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
+Management can't.
 %
-Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed
-talent.
+Mass man must be serviced by mass means.
 %
-Personnel recruiting is a triumph of hope over
-experience.
+Misery no longer loves company
+nowadays it insists on it.
 %
-Some people manage by the book, even though they
-don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
+Most people deserve each other.
 %
-Don't let your superiors know you're better than
-they are.
+Most people want to be delivered from temptation but
+would like it to keep in touch.
 %
-You never know who's right, but you always know
-who's in charge.
+Most projects require three hands.
 %
-(1)	Anyone can make a decision given enough facts.
-(2)	A good manager can make a decision without enough
-	facts.
-(3)	A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance.
+Multiple-function gadgets will not perform any
+function adequately.
 %
-The boss who attempts to impress employees with his
-knowledge of intricate details has lost sight of his
-final objective.
+Murphy's rule for precision:
+	Measure with a micrometer
+	Mark with chalk
+	Cut with an axe
 %
-You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you
-don't burn your bridges until you come to them.
+Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
 %
-In a hierarchical system, the rate of pay varies
-inversely with the unpleasantness and difficulty
-of the task.
+Nature is a mother.
 %
-The client who pays the least complains the most
+Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can.
 %
-I know you believe you understand
-   what you think I said,
-      however, I am not sure you realize,
-         that what I think you heard
-            is not what I meant
+Never admit anything.
+Never regret anything
+whatever it is, you're not responsible.
 %
-Real programmers don't eat muffins.
+Never argue with a fool,
+people might not know the difference.
 %
-In any bureaucracy, paperwork increases as you spend
-more and more time reporting on the less and less you
-are doing.  Stability is achieved when you spend all of
-your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
+Never argue with an artist.
 %
-Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for
-a number and then give it back to them.
+Never be first to do anything.
 %
-When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it
-around instead of picking it up.
+Never create a problem for which you do not have
+the answer.
 %
-The chances of anybody doing anything are inversely
-proportional to the number of other people who are in
-a position to do it instead.
+Never eat prunes when you are famished.
 %
-Never make a decision you can get someone else to make.
+Never get excited about a blind date because of how
+it sounds over the phone.
 %
-No one keeps a record of decisions you could have made
-but didn't.  Everyone keeps a records of your bad ones.
+Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
 %
-For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.
+Never insult an alligator
+until after you have crossed the river.
 %
-The inside contact that you have developed at great
-expense is the first person to be let go in any
-reorganization.
+Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold
+of something else.
 %
-It's tough to get reallocated when you're the one
-who's redundant.
+Never make a decision you can get someone else to make.
 %
-Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
+Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.
 %
-If you're early, it'll be canceled.
-If you knock yourself out to be on time, you will
-   have to wait.
-If you're late, you will be too late.
+Never offend people with style
+when you can offend them with substance.
 %
-A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept
-and the hours are lost.
+Never play leapfrog with a photo enlarger.
 %
-If you leave the room, you're elected.
+Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
 %
-The cream rises to the top.
-So does the scum.
+Never put all your eggs in your pocket.
 %
-You can never do just one thing.
+Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job.
 %
-There's no time like the present for postponing
-what you don't want to do.
+Never tell them what you wouldn't do.
 %
-Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.
+Never test for an error condition you don't know
+how to handle.
 %
-The more complicated and grandiose the plan, the
-greater the chance of failure.
+Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty, and the pig
+likes it!
 %
-Simple jobs always get put off because there will be
-time to do them later.
+New systems generate new problems.
 %
-Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
+No experiment is ever a complete failure.
+It can always be used as a bad example.
 %
-A work project expands to fill the space available.
+No good deed goes unpunished.
+%
+No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets,
+with the same staff that started it.  Yours will not be the
+first.
+%
+No man is lonely while eating spaghetti.
 %
 No matter how large the work space, if two projects
 must be done at the same time they will require the
 same part of the work space.
 %
-The one wrench or drill bit you need will be the one
-missing from the tool chest.
-%
-Most projects require three hands.
-%
-Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.
-%
-The more carefully you plan a project, the more
-confusion there is when something goes wrong.
-%
-Murphy's rule for precision:
-	Measure with a micrometer
-	Mark with chalk
-	Cut with an axe
-%
-You can't fix it if it ain't broke.
-%
-Access holes will be 1/2" too small.
-Holes that are the right size will be in the wrong place.
+No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after
+you have bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
 %
-If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company
-will insist upon repairing the old one.
+No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end
+up covered with grease and motor oil.
 %
-If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the
-company will insist on the latest model.
+No matter how strong the breeze when you leave the dock
+once you have reached the furthest point from port
+the wind will die.
 %
-The primary function of the design engineer is to make
-things difficult for the fabricator and impossible
-for the serviceman.
+No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody
+who knew it would.
 %
-That component of any circuit which has the shortest
-service life will be placed in the least
-accessible location.
+No matter what happens, there is always somebody
+who knew that it would.
 %
-Any circuit design must contain at least one part which
-is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three
-parts which at still under development.
+No matter what they're talking about, they're
+talking about money.
 %
-Important letters which contain no errors will develop
-errors in the mail.
+No matter what they're telling you, they're not
+telling you the whole truth.
 %
-Office machines which function perfectly during normal
-business hours will break down when you return to the
-office at night to use them for personal business.
+No matter which direction you start,
+it's always against the wind coming back.
 %
-Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick
-them will stick to other things when you don't want
-them to.
+No news is ... impossible.
 %
-Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by
-spontaneously moving from where you left them to where
-you can't find them.
+No one keeps a record of decisions you could have made
+but didn't.  Everyone keeps a records of your bad ones.
 %
-The last person who quit or was fired will be held
-responsible for everything that goes wrong -- until
-the next person quits or is fired.
+No one's life, liberty, or property are safe
+while the legislature is in session.
 %
-The one time in the day that you lean back and relax
-is the one time the boss walks through the office.
+No system is ever completely debugged:  Attempts to debug
+a system will inevitably introduce new bugs that are even
+harder to find.
 %
-Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.
+Nobody notices when things go right.
 %
-When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
+Nothing improves an innovation like lack of controls.
 %
-Teamwork is essential.  It allows you to blame someone else.
+Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
 %
-Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.
+Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.
 %
-(1)	If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology.
-(2)	If it stinks, it's chemistry.
-(3)	If it doesn't work, it's physics.
+Nothing is ever done for the right reasons.
 %
-Nothing improves an innovation like lack of controls.
+Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by
+firing the coach.
 %
-The quality of correlation is inversely proportional
-to the density of control.
+Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse.
 %
-If reproducibility may be a problem conduct the
-test only once.
+Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have
+to do it himself/herself.
 %
-If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two
-data points.
+Nothing is indestructible, with the possible exception
+of discount-priced fruitcakes.
 %
-Any technical problem can be overcome given enough
-time and money.
-
-You are never given enough time or money.
+Of two possible events,
+only the undesired one will occur.
 %
-Unless the results are known in advance, funding
-agencies will reject the proposal.
+Office machines which function perfectly during normal
+business hours will break down when you return to the
+office at night to use them for personal business.
 %
-It is better to solve a problem with a crude
-approximation and know the truth, than to demand an
-exact solution and not know the truth at all.
+Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
 %
-An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful
-than a complex, incomprehensible truth.
+Old programmers never die - they just abend.
 %
-If a scientist uncovers a publishable fact, it will
-become central to his theory.
-
-His theory, in turn, will become central to all
-scientific truth.
+On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone
+can be unhappy -- but we will work on it.
 %
-There is no such thing as a straight line.
+On a clear disk, you can seek forever.
 %
-In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur
-at the opposite end to the end at which you begin
-checking for errors.
+On successive charts of the same organization, the number of
+boxes will never decrease.
 %
-Only errors exist.
+Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to save it
+only makes it worse.
 %
 One man's error is another man's data.
 %
-To err is human, but to really foul things up requires
-a computer.
+One place where you're sure to find the perfect
+driver is in the back seat.
 %
-When putting it into memory, remember where you put it.
+Only a mediocre person is always at their best.
 %
-Never test for an error condition you don't know
-how to handle.
+Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles.
 %
-Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since
-nobody listens.
+Only errors exist.
 %
-People who love sausage and respect the law should
-never watch either one being made.
+Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune
+moment.
 %
-No matter what they're telling you, they're not
-telling you the whole truth.
+Other people's romantic gestures seem novel and exciting.
+
+Your own romantic gestures seem foolish and clumsy.
 %
-No matter what they're talking about, they're
-talking about money.
+Our customers' paperwork is profit.
+Our own paperwork is loss.
 %
-In any dealings with a collective body of people, the
-people will always be more tacky than originally expected.
+People are promoted not by what they can do, but what
+people think they can do.
 %
-If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
-theirs, then you just don't understand the problem.
+People can be divided into three groups:
+Those who make things happen,
+Those who watch things happen and
+Those who wonder what happened.
 %
-Information deteriorates upward through the bureaucracies.
+People don't change; they only become more so.
 %
-When an exaggerated emphasis is placed upon delegation,
-responsibility, like sediment, sinks to the bottom.
+People in systems do not do what the systems say
+they are doing.
 %
-When outrageous expenditures are divided finely enough
-the public will not have enough stake in any one
-expenditure to squelch it.
+People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
+remind them of someone else.
 %
-When the government bureau's remedies do not match your
-problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
+People who love sausage and respect the law should
+never watch either one being made.
 %
-A fool and your money are soon partners.
+People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell
+them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
 %
-You may know where the market is going, but you can't
-possibly know where it's going after that.
+People will believe anything if you whisper it.
 %
-Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
+People will buy anything that is one to a customer.
 %
-Trial balances don't.
+Performance is directly affected by the perversity of
+inanimate objects.
 %
-Working capital doesn't.
+Personnel recruiting is a triumph of hope over
+experience.
 %
-Liquidity tends to run out.
+Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional
+and employ faulty reasoning.
 %
-Return on investments won't.
+Pills to be taken in twos always come
+out of the bottle in threes.
 %
-If everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it.
+Please don't steal, the IRS hates competition!
 %
-Mass man must be serviced by mass means.
+Possessions increase to fill the space available for
+their storage.
 %
-Everything is contagious.
+Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability
+of the programmer who must maintain it.
 %
-Nothing is ever done for the right reasons.
+Program design philosophy:
+
+	Start at the beginning and continue until the end,
+	then stop.
+		-- Lewis Carroll
 %
-The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake
-that you've got it made.
+Progress does not consist in replacing a theory that is
+wrong with one that is right.  It consists in replacing
+a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.
 %
-An expert is anyone from out of town.
+Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
 %
-An expert is one who knows more and more about less
-and less until he knows absolutely everything
-about nothing.
+Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary
+drivel off the TV screen.
 %
-To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job
-will take the longest and cost the most.
+Quit while you're still behind.
 %
-If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you've just
-become the expert.
+RACF is a four letter word.
 %
-Indecision is the basis for flexibility.
+Real programmers always have a better idea.
 %
-Anything is possible if you don't know what you're
-talking about.
+Real programmers are kind to rookies.
 %
-Never create a problem for which you do not have
-the answer.
+Real programmers are secure enough to write readable code,
+which they then self-righteously refuse to explain.
 %
-Create problems for which only you have the answer.
+Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a
+matter of principle.
 %
-A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
+Real programmers can do octal, hexadecimal and
+binary math in their heads.
 %
-Hindsight is an exact science.
+Real programmers do not apply DP terminology to non-DP
+situations.
 %
-History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely
-repeat each other.
+Real programmers do not document.
+Documentation is for simps who can't read listings or
+object code.
 %
-Fact is solidified opinion.
+Real programmers do not eat breakfast from the
+vending machines.
 %
-Facts may weaken under extreme heat and pressure.
+Real programmers do not practice four-syllable words before
+walkthroughs.
 %
-Truth is elastic.
+Real programmers do not read books like
+"effective listening" and "communication skills".
 %
-When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue.
+Real programmers do not utter profanities at an elevated
+decibel level.
 %
-When in trouble, obfuscate.
+Real programmers don't advertise their hangovers.
 %
-Progress does not consist in replacing a theory that is
-wrong with one that is right.  It consists in replacing
-a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.
+Real programmers don't announce how many times the
+operations department called them last night.
 %
-It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex
-task to make them simple.
+Real programmers don't comment their code. if it is hard
+to write, it should be hard to understand.
 %
-If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man, he
-will find an easier way to do it.
+Real programmers don't dress for success unless
+they are trying to convince others that they are
+going on interviews.
 %
-Every great idea has a disadvantage equal to or
-exceeding the greatness of the idea.
+Real programmers don't eat muffins.
 %
-New systems generate new problems.
+Real programmers don't eat quiche.  In fact, real
+programmers don't know how to spell quiche.  They eat
+Twinkies and szechuan food.
 %
-Systems should not be unnecessarily multiplied.
+Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages
+of Cobol when they don't know any other language.
 %
-Systems tend to grow and as they grow they encroach.
+Real programmers don't notch their desks for each
+completed service request.
 %
-Complicated systems produce unexpected outcomes.
+Real programmers don't number paragraph names
+consecutively.
 %
-The total behavior of large systems cannot be predicted.
+Real programmers don't play tennis or any other sport
+that requires you to change clothes.  Mountain climbing is
+O.K., and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work
+in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle
+of the machine room.
 %
-A large system, produced by expanding the dimensions of
-a smaller system, does not behave like the smaller system.
+Real programmers don't play video games, they write them.
 %
-People in systems do not do what the systems say
-they are doing.
+Real programmers don't write applications programs; they
+program right down on the bare metal.  Application
+programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming.
 %
-The system itself does not do what it says it is doing.
+Real programmers don't write COBOL.
+COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers.
 %
-A complex system that works is invariably found to have
-evolved from a simple system that works.
+Real programmers don't write in Basic.  Actually, no
+programmers write in Basic after age 12.
 %
-A complex system designed from scratch never works and
-cannot be patched up to make it work.  You have to start
-over, beginning with a working simple system.
+Real programmers don't write in Pascal, Bliss, or Ada, or
+any of those pinko computer science languages.  Strong
+typing is for people with weak memories.
 %
-(1)	Everything is a system.
-(2)	Everything is part of a larger system.
-(3)	The universe is infinitely systematized both upward
-	(larger systems) and downward (smaller systems).
-(4)	All systems are infinitely complex.  (The illusion
-	of simplicity comes from focusing attention on
-	one or a few variables).
+Real programmers don't write in PL/1.  PL/1 is for
+programmers who can't decide whether to write in
+COBOL or Fortran.
 %
-Complex systems tend to oppose their own proper function.
+Real programmers don't write memos.
 %
-If the course you wanted most has room for 'n' students
-you will be the 'n + 1' to apply.
+Real programmers don't write specs -- users should
+consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and
+take what they get.
 %
-Class schedules are designed so that every student will
-waste the maximum time between classes.
+Real programmers drink too much coffee so that they will
+always seem tense and overworked.
 %
-Show me a person who's never made a mistake and I'll
-show you somebody who's never achieved much.
+Real programmers have read the standards manual
+but won't admit it.
 %
-When you consider there are 24 hours in a day, it's
-sad to know that only one is called the happy hour.
+Real programmers know it's not operations'
+fault if their jobs go into "hogs".
 %
-When you are able to schedule two classes in a row,
-they will be held in classrooms at opposite end of
-the campus.
+Real programmers know what saad means.
 %
-A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered
-only during the semester following the desired course.
+Real programmers never work 9 to 5.  If any real
+programmers are around at 9 a.m., it's because they
+were up all night.
 %
-When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most
-important ones will be illegible.
+Real programmers print only clean compiles,
+fixing all errors through the terminal.
 %
-The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure
-you are as to which answer they want.
+Real programmer's programs never work the first time.  But
+if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into
+working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.
 %
-80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture
-you missed about the one book you didn't read.
+Real programmers punch up their own programs.
 %
-If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget
-your book.
-If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget
-where you live.
+Real programmers understand Pascal.
 %
-At the end of the semester you will recall having
-enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester
--- and never attending.
+Remain silent about your intentions until you are sure
 %
-The one course you must take to graduate will not be
-offered during your last semester.
+Return on investments won't.
 %
-The more general the title of a course, the less
-you will learn from it.
+Roses are red violets are blue
+I am schizophrenic and so am I
 %
-The more specific the title of a course, the less you
-will be able to apply it later.
+Sale promotions don't.
 %
-The most valuable quotation will be the one for which
-you cannot determine the source.
+Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line.
 %
-The source for an unattributed quotation will appear
-in the most hostile review of your work.
+Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.
 %
-When a writer prepares a manuscript on a subject he does
-not understand, his work will be understood only by
-readers who know more about that subject than he does.
+Security isn't.
 %
-Writings prepared without understanding must fail in the
-first objective of communication -- informing
-the uninformed.
+Self starters --- won't.
 %
-When a student asks for a second time if you have read
-his book report, he did not read the book.
+Show me a person who's never made a mistake and I'll
+show you somebody who's never achieved much.
 %
-If daily class attendance is mandatory, a scheduled
-exam will produce increased absenteeism.  If attendance
-is optional, a scheduled exam will produce persons you
-have never seen before.
+Simple jobs always get put off because there will be
+time to do them later.
 %
-Just because your doctor has a name for your condition
-doesn't mean he knows what it is.
+Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink,
+some prefer to just gargle.
 %
-The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the
-waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for
-your scheduled appointment.
+Some errors will always go unnoticed until the book
+is in print.
 %
-Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles.
+Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.
 %
-You never have the right number of pills left on the
-last day of a prescription.
+Some people manage by the book, even though they
+don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
 %
-The pills to be taken with meals will be the least
-appetizing ones.
+Souffles rise and cream whips only for the family and
+for guests you didn't really want to invite anyway.
 %
-Even water tastes bad when taken on doctors orders.
+Success can be insured only by devising a defense against
+failure of the contingency plan.
 %
-If your condition seems to be getting better, it's
-probably your doctor getting sick.
+Superiority is recessive.
 %
-Beware of the physician who is great at getting
-out of trouble.
+Systems should not be unnecessarily multiplied.
 %
-A drug is that substance which, when injected into a
-rat, will produce a scientific report.
+Systems tend to grow and as they grow they encroach.
 %
-Before ordering a test decide what you will do if it is,
-(1)	positive, or
-(2)	negative.
-If both answers are the same, don't do the test.
+Talent in staff work or sales will continually be
+interpreted as managerial ability.
 %
-The radiologists' national flower is the hedge.
+Teamwork is essential.  It allows you to blame someone else.
 %
-The feasibility of an operation is not the best
-indication for its performance.
+That component of any circuit which has the shortest
+service life will be placed in the least
+accessible location.
 %
-A physician's ability is inversely proportional
-to his availability.
+The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely
+proportional to the subject's true value.
 %
-There are two kinds of adhesive tape:  That which won't
-stay on and that which won't come off.
+The amount of wind will vary inversely with the number
+and experience of the people you have on board.
 %
-Everybody wants a pain shot at the same time.
+The best shots are generally attempted through the
+lens cap.
 %
-Everybody who didn't want a pain shot when you were
-passing out pain shots wants one when you are passing
-out sleeping pills.
+The best shots happen immediately after the last
+frame is exposed.
 %
-An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his
-own physician.
+The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal
+the letter.
 %
-Fools rush in -- and get the best seats.
+The best way to lie is to tell the truth.....
+carefully edited truth.
 %
-At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from
-the aisle arrive last.
+The big guys always win.
 %
-Exciting plays occur only while you are watching the
-scoreboard or out buying a hot dog.
+The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
 %
-Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by
-firing the coach.
+The boss who attempts to impress employees with his
+knowledge of intricate details has lost sight of his
+final objective.
 %
-The wrong quarterback is the one that's in there.
+The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered
+side down is directly proportional to the cost of the
+carpet.
 %
-A free agent is anything but.
+The chances of anybody doing anything are inversely
+proportional to the number of other people who are in
+a position to do it instead.
 %
-Hockey is a game played by six good players and the
-home team.
+The chief cause of problems is solutions.
 %
-Whatever can go to New York, will.
+The client who pays the least complains the most
 %
-Whenever a superstar is traded to your favorite team,
-he fades.  Whenever your team trades away a useless
-no-name, he immediately rises to stardom.
+The closer you are to the facts of a situation, the
+more obvious are the errors in all news coverage of
+the situation.
 %
-A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or
-her opposition.
+The "consumer report" on the item will come out a week
+after you've made your purchase:
+
+(1)	The one you bought will be rated "unacceptable".
+(2)	The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy".
 %
-The only way to make up for being lost is to make
-record time while you are lost.
+The cream rises to the top.
+So does the scum.
 %
-The amount of wind will vary inversely with the number
-and experience of the people you have on board.
+The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by
+the paper clip of the overlying memo and go to file.
 %
-No matter how strong the breeze when you leave the dock
-once you have reached the furthest point from port
-the wind will die.
+The deficiency will never show itself during the test runs.
 %
-The time available to go fishing shrinks as the fishing
-season draws nearer.
+The distance to the gate is inversely proportional
+to the time available to catch your flight.
 %
-The least experienced fisherman always catches the
-biggest fish.
+The early worm deserves the bird.
 %
-The more elaborate and costly the equipment, the greater
-the chance of having to stop at the fish market
-on the way home.
+The easiest way to find something lost around the house
+is to buy a replacement.
 %
-The worse your line is tangled, the better is the
-fishing around you.
+The faster the plane,
+the narrower the seats.
 %
-The mountain gets steeper as you get closer.
+The feasibility of an operation is not the best
+indication for its performance.
 %
-The mountain looks closer than it is.
+The final test is when it goes production ...
+w h e n  i t  g o e s   p r o d u c t i o n  ...
+w h e n     i  t     g  o  e  s     p  r  o  d  u  c  t
+w h  e   n       i   t       g   o   e   s       p   r   o
 %
-All trails have more uphill sections than they have
-level or downhill sections.
+The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the
+time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent.
 %
-The one who least wants to play is the one who will win.
+The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly
+in front of your eyes.
 %
-All things being equal, you lose.
-
-All things being in your favor, you still lose.
-
-Win or lose, you lose.
+The first insurance agent was David -
+he gave Goliath a piece of the rock.
 %
-It always takes longer to get there than to get back.
+The first myth of management is that it exists
+the second myth of management is that success equals skill.
 %
-If everything is coming your way, you're in the
-wrong lane.
+The first page the author turns to upon receiving an
+advance copy will be the page containing the worst
+error.
 %
-If you allow someone to get in front of you either:
-(1)	The car in front will be the last one over a
-	railroad crossing, and you will be stuck waiting
-	for a long, slow-moving train; or
-(2)	you both will have the same destination and the
-	other car will get the last parking space.
+The first place to look for anything is the last place
+you would expect to find it.
 %
-If you have to park six blocks away, you will find two
-new parking spaces right in front of the building
-entrance.
+The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to
+save all of the parts.
 %
-When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn
-green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop.
+The first time is for love.
+The next time is $200.
 %
-A car and a truck approaching each other on an otherwise
-deserted road will meet at the narrow bridge.
+The further away the disaster or accident occurs, the
+greater the number of dead and injured required for it
+to become a story.
 %
-The speed of an oncoming vehicle is directly proportional
-to the length of the passing zone.
+The further you are from the facts of a situation,
+the more you tend to believe news coverage of the
+situation.
 %
-The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly
-in front of your eyes.
+The greater the cost of putting a plan into operation,
+the less chance there is of abandoning the plan - even
+if it subsequently becomes irrelevant.
 %
-If you can get to the faulty part, you don't have the
-tool to get it off.
+The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached
+to someone who isn't getting enough sleep.
 %
-If you can get the faulty part off, the parts house
-will have it back-ordered.
+The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
 %
-If the faulty part is in stock, it didn't need replacing
-in the first place.
+The higher the level of prestige accorded the people
+behind the plan, the least less chance there is of
+abandoning it.
 %
-When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you
-becomes a hammer.
+The idea is to die young as late as possible.
 %
-No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end
-up covered with grease and motor oil.
+The inside contact that you have developed at great
+expense is the first person to be let go in any
+reorganization.
 %
-When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used
-interchangeably.
+The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in
+will be taken by the person in front of you.
 %
-Automotive engine repairing law:
-If you drop something, it will never reach the ground.
+The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found
+in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting.
 %
-If you lived here you'd be home now.
+The last person who quit or was fired will be held
+responsible for everything that goes wrong -- until
+the next person quits or is fired.
 %
-If it's good, they discontinue it.
+The least experienced fisherman always catches the
+biggest fish.
 %
-It the shoe fits, it's ugly.
+The length of a marriage is inversely proportional
+to the amount spent on the wedding.
 %
-(1)	If you like it, they don't have it in your size.
-(2)	If you like it and it's in your size, it doesn't
-	fit anyway.
-(4)	If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it.
-(5)	If you like it, it fits and you can afford it, it
-	falls apart the first time you wear it.
+The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely
+with its price and directly with its ugliness.
 %
-The one you want is never the one on sale.
+The light at the end of the tunnel can be a helluva
+nuisance, especially if you're using the tunnel
+as a darkroom.
 %
-If an item is advertised as "under $50," you can bet
-it's not $19.95.
+The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of
+an oncoming train.
 %
-ACF2 is a four letter word.
+The light at the end of the tunnel really is a train.
 %
-If only one price can be obtained for any quotation,
-the price will be unreasonable.
+The lion and the calf shall lie down together,
+but the calf won't get much sleep.
 %
-A 60-day warranty guarantees that the product will
-self-destruct on the 61st day.
+The longer the title the less important the job.
 %
-The "consumer report" on the item will come out a week
-after you've made your purchase:
-
-(1)	The one you bought will be rated "unacceptable".
-(2)	The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy".
+The longer you wait in line, the greater the
+likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.
 %
-If you don't write to complain, you'll never receive
-your order.
-If you do write, you'll receive the merchandise before
-your angry letter reaches its destination.
+The love letter you finally got the courage to send
+will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to
+make a fool of yourself in person.
 %
-The most important item in an order will no longer
-be available.
+The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of
+someone he can blame it on.
 %
-During the time an item is on back-order, it will be
-available cheaper and quicker from many other sources.
+The man who has no more problems is out of the game.
 %
-Security isn't.
+The meek shall inherit the earth,
+but not its mineral rights.
 %
-Management can't.
+The meek will inherit the earth
+after the rest of us go to the stars.
 %
-Sale promotions don't.
+The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the
+waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for
+your scheduled appointment.
 %
-Consumer assistance doesn't.
+The more carefully you plan a project, the more
+confusion there is when something goes wrong.
 %
-Workers won't.
+The more complicated and grandiose the plan, the
+greater the chance of failure.
 %
-Cleanliness is next to impossible.
+The more directives you issue to solve a problem,
+the worse it gets.
 %
-Multiple-function gadgets will not perform any
-function adequately.
+The more elaborate and costly the equipment, the greater
+the chance of having to stop at the fish market
+on the way home.
 %
 The more expensive the gadget, the less often you
 will use it.
 %
-The simpler the instruction, e.g. "press here", the
-more difficult it will be to open the package.
-%
-In a family recipe you just discovered in an old book,
-the most vital measurement will be illegible.
+The more general the title of a course, the less
+you will learn from it.
 %
-Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to save it
-only makes it worse.
+The more ridiculous a belief system,
+the higher probability of its success.
 %
-You are always complimented on the item which took the
-least effort to prepare.
-
-Example:
-	If you make "duck a l'orange" you will be
-	complimented on the baked potato.
+The more specific the title of a course, the less you
+will be able to apply it later.
 %
-The one ingredient you made a special trip to the store
-to get will be the one thing your guest is allergic to.
+The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure
+you are as to which answer they want.
 %
 The more time and energy you put into preparing a meal
 the greater the chance your guests will spend the entire
 meal discussing other meals they have had.
 %
-Souffles rise and cream whips only for the family and
-for guests you didn't really want to invite anyway.
+The most important item in an order will no longer
+be available.
 %
-The rotten egg will be the one you break into the
-cake batter.
+The most interesting specimen will not be labeled.
 %
-Any cooking utensil placed in the dishwasher will be
-needed immediately thereafter for something else.
+The most valuable quotation will be the one for which
+you cannot determine the source.
 %
-Any measuring utensil used for liquid ingredients will
-be needed immediately thereafter for dry ingredients.
+The mountain gets steeper as you get closer.
 %
-Time spent consuming a meal is in inverse proportion
-to time spent preparing it.
+The mountain looks closer than it is.
 %
-Whatever it is, somebody will have had it for lunch.
+The one course you must take to graduate will not be
+offered during your last semester.
 %
-If you're wondering if you took the meat out to
-thaw, you didn't.
+The one day you'd sell your soul for something,
+souls are a glut.
 %
-If you're wondering if you left the coffee pot
-plugged in, you did.
+The one ingredient you made a special trip to the store
+to get will be the one thing your guest is allergic to.
 %
-If you're wondering if you need to stop and pick up
-bread and eggs on the way home, you do.
+The one thing that money can not buy is poverty.
 %
-If you're wondering if you have enough money to take
-the family out to eat tonight, you don't.
+The one time in the day that you lean back and relax
+is the one time the boss walks through the office.
 %
-The spot you are scrubbing on glassware is always on
-the other side.
+The one who least wants to play is the one who will win.
 %
-Washing machines only break down during the wash cycle.
+The one who snores will fall asleep first.
 %
-All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.
+The one wrench or drill bit you need will be the one
+missing from the tool chest.
 %
-Cost of repair can be determined by multiplying the
-cost of your new coat by 1.75, or by multiplying the
-cost of a new washer by .75.
+The one you want is never the one on sale.
 %
-There is always more dirty laundry then clean laundry.
+The only game that can't be fixed is peek-a-boo.
 %
-If it's clean, it isn't laundry.
+The only new TV show worth watching will be canceled.
 %
-A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
+The only way to make up for being lost is to make
+record time while you are lost.
 %
-An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
+The only winner in the war of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
 %
-Any child who chatters non-stop at home will adamantly
-refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate
-for an audience.
+The organization of any program reflects the organization
+of the people who developed it.
 %
-A shy, introverted child will choose a crowded public
-area to loudly demonstrate newly acquired vocabulary.
+The other line always moves faster.
+%
+The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk
+to the other end of the building.
+%
+The pills to be taken with meals will be the least
+appetizing ones.
+%
+The primary function of the design engineer is to make
+things difficult for the fabricator and impossible
+for the serviceman.
 %
 The probability of a cat eating its dinner has
 absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food
 placed before it.
 %
+The probability of anything happening is in
+inverse ratio to its desirability.
+%
+The probability of meeting someone you know increases
+when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
+%
 The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss
 to go in or out is directly proportional to the number
 and importance of your dinner guests.
 %
-The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of
-junk food available.
+The quality of correlation is inversely proportional
+to the density of control.
 %
-If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe,
-there won't be any left by the time they are ripe.  If
-you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten.
+The quickest way to experiment with acupuncture is to
+try on a new shirt.
 %
-How long a minute is depends on which side of the
-bathroom door you're on.
+The race goes not always to the swift, nor the battle
+to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
 %
-The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely
-with its price and directly with its ugliness.
+The radiologists' national flower is the hedge.
 %
-If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch
-it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.
+The ratio of time involved in work to time available for
+work is usually about 0.6
 %
-If there are only two shows worth watching, they will
-be on together.
+The repairman will never have seen a model quite like
+yours before.
 %
-The only new TV show worth watching will be canceled.
+The road to hell is paved with good intentions
+and littered with sloppy analyses!
 %
-The TV show you've been looking forward to all week
-will be preempted.
+The rotten egg will be the one you break into the
+cake batter.
 %
-Most people deserve each other.
+The scratch on the record is always through the song
+you like most.
 %
-Possessions increase to fill the space available for
-their storage.
+The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake
+that you've got it made.
 %
-When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal
+The severity of an itch is inversely proportional
+to the reach.
 %
-(1)	The telephone will ring when you are outside the
-	door, fumbling for your keys.
-
-(2)	You will reach it just in time to hear the click
-	of the caller hanging up.
+The simpler the instruction, e.g. "press here", the
+more difficult it will be to open the package.
 %
-People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
-remind them of someone else.
+The six steps of program management are:
+(1)	Wild enthusiasm
+(2)	Disenchantment
+(3)	Total confusion
+(4)	Search for guilty
+(5)	Punishment for the innocent
+(6)	Promotion of the non-participants
 %
-The one who snores will fall asleep first.
+The slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out
+lane.
 %
-Never get excited about a blind date because of how
-it sounds over the phone.
+The source for an unattributed quotation will appear
+in the most hostile review of your work.
 %
-The love letter you finally got the courage to send
-will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to
-make a fool of yourself in person.
+The speed of an oncoming vehicle is directly proportional
+to the length of the passing zone.
 %
-Other people's romantic gestures seem novel and exciting.
-
-Your own romantic gestures seem foolish and clumsy.
+The spot you are scrubbing on glassware is always on
+the other side.
 %
-The length of a marriage is inversely proportional
-to the amount spent on the wedding.
+The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of
+junk food available.
 %
-The probability of meeting someone you know increases
-when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
+The success of any venture will be helped by prayer,
+even in the wrong denomination.
 %
-If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember
-you - the next time he's in need.
+The sun goes down just when you need it the most.
 %
-Virtue is its own punishment.
+The system itself does not do what it says it is doing.
 %
-If you do something right once, someone will ask
-you to do it again.
+The tendency of smoke from a cigarette, barbeque,
+campfire, etc. to drift into a person's face varies
+directly with that person's sensitivity to smoke.
 %
-The one day you'd sell your soul for something,
-souls are a glut.
+The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his
+subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems.
 %
-The scratch on the record is always through the song
-you like most.
+The time available to go fishing shrinks as the fishing
+season draws nearer.
 %
-Superiority is recessive.
+The time it takes to rectify a situation is
+inversely proportional to the time it took
+to do the damage.
 %
-Forgive and remember.
+The total behavior of large systems cannot be predicted.
 %
-Anything good in life either causes cancer in
-laboratory mice or is taxed beyond reality.
+The TV show you've been looking forward to all week
+will be preempted.
 %
-To err is human -- to blame it on someone else is
-even more human.
+The usefulness of any meeting
+is in inverse proportion to the attendance.
 %
-Whatever happens to you, it will previously have
-happened to everyone you know only more so.
+The value of a program is proportional
+to the weight of its output.
 %
-He who laughs last -- probably didn't get the joke.
+The worse your line is tangled, the better is the
+fishing around you.
 %
-In a bureaucratic hierarchy, the higher up the
-organization the less people appreciate Murphy's law,
-the Peter Principle, etc.
+The wrong quarterback is the one that's in there.
 %
-Law expands in proportion to the resources available
-for its enforcement.
+The yoo-hoo you yoo-hoo into the forest is the yoo-hoo you
+get back.
 %
-Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed.
+Them what gets--has.
+%
+There are no winners in life:  Only survivors.
 %
 There are some things which are impossible to know -
 but it is impossible to know these things.
 %
-When we try to pick out anything by itself we find
-it hitched to everything else in the universe.
+There are three ways to get things done:
+	(1)  Do it yourself,
+	(2)  Hire someone to do it, or
+	(3)  Forbid your kids to do it.
 %
-If one views his problem closely enough he will
-recognize himself as part of the problem.
+There are two kinds of adhesive tape:  That which won't
+stay on and that which won't come off.
 %
-Everything may be divided into as many parts as you please.
+There is a solution to every problem;
+the only difficulty is finding it.
 %
-If several things that could have gone wrong have not
-gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial
-for them to have gone wrong.
+There is always more dirty laundry then clean laundry.
 %
-The quickest way to experiment with acupuncture is to
-try on a new shirt.
+There is always one more bug.
 %
-Absolutely nothing in the world is friendlier than
-a wet dog.
+There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
 %
-The severity of an itch is inversely proportional
-to the reach.
+There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist",
+only a capitalist.
 %
-A hug is the perfect gift - one size fits all, and
-nobody minds if you exchange it.
+There is no such thing as a straight line.
 %
-The only game that can't be fixed is peek-a-boo.
+There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action.
 %
-Ignorance should be painful.
+There's never time to do it right, but there's always
+time to do it over.
 %
-The first insurance agent was David -
-he gave Goliath a piece of the rock.
+There's no time like the present for postponing
+what you don't want to do.
 %
-King Arthur ran the first knight club.
+Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
 %
-Magellan was the first strait man.
+Things get worse under pressure.
 %
-If you smile when everything goes wrong, you are
-either a nitwit or a repairman.
+This space for rent.
 %
-If it weren't for the opinion polls we'd never know
-what people are undecided about.
+Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least.
 %
-No news is ... impossible.
+Those with the best advice offer no advice.
 %
-Laugh and the world laughs with you. cry and ...
-you have to blow your nose.
+Time spent consuming a meal is in inverse proportion
+to time spent preparing it.
 %
-A penny saved is ... not much.
+To err is human -- to blame it on someone else is
+even more human.
 %
-He who marries for money ... better be nice to his wife.
+To err is human, but to really foul things up requires
+a computer.
 %
-It's always darkest before ... daylight saving time.
+To err is human, to forgive is divine --
+but to forget it altogether is humane.
 %
-If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries.
+To get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
 %
-There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action.
+To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression.
 %
-Life is like an ice-cream cone:  You have to learn to
-lick it.
+To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job
+will take the longest and cost the most.
 %
-One place where you're sure to find the perfect
-driver is in the back seat.
+Trial balances don't.
 %
-Nothing is indestructible, with the possible exception
-of discount-priced fruitcakes.
+Truth is elastic.
 %
-How do they know no two snowflakes are alike?
+Unless the results are known in advance, funding
+agencies will reject the proposal.
 %
-How did they measure hail before the golf ball was invented?
+Unless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man
+in the balls, not even symbolically or perhaps especially
+not symbolically.
 %
-To err is human, to forgive is divine --
-but to forget it altogether is humane.
+Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation
+for being useful.
+%
+Virtue is its own punishment.
+%
+Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by
+spontaneously moving from where you left them to where
+you can't find them.
+%
+Washing machines only break down during the wash cycle.
+%
+Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
 %
 "Watching a birdie" in hand is safer than watching
 one overhead.
 %
-The light at the end of the tunnel can be a helluva
-nuisance, especially if you're using the tunnel
-as a darkroom.
+Whatever can go to New York, will.
 %
-Never play leapfrog with a photo enlarger.
+Whatever carrousel you stand by, your baggage will
+come in on another one.
 %
-Never argue with an artist.
+Whatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest
+number must happen.
+%
+Whatever happens to you, it will previously have
+happened to everyone you know only more so.
+%
+Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
+%
+Whatever it is, somebody will have had it for lunch.
+%
+When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman,
+it will work perfectly.
+%
+When a distinguished scientist states something is possible,
+he is almost certainly right.  When he states that
+something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
+%
+When a student asks for a second time if you have read
+his book report, he did not read the book.
+%
+When a writer prepares a manuscript on a subject he does
+not understand, his work will be understood only by
+readers who know more about that subject than he does.
+%
+When all else fails, read the instructions.
+%
+When an exaggerated emphasis is placed upon delegation,
+responsibility, like sediment, sinks to the bottom.
+%
+When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
 %
 When in doubt, don't mumble, overexpose ... then mumble.
 %
-The light at the end of the tunnel really is a train.
+When in doubt, mumble.  When in trouble, delegate.
 %
-A budget is saving quarters in a mason jar for
-Christmas and spending them by Easter.
+When in doubt, mumble.
+When in trouble, delegate.
+When in charge, ponder.
 %
-A budget is spending $15.00 on gas to drive to a
-shopping mall to save $4.30 on a 20 pound turkey.
+When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue.
 %
-A budget is wondering why you should balance yours
-if the government can not balance theirs.
+When in trouble, obfuscate.
 %
-A budget is trying to figure out how the family next
-door is doing it.
+When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.
 %
-A budget is a plan that falls apart when the plumber
-has to make an emergency visit.
+When more and more people are thrown out of work,
+unemployment results.
 %
-A budget is trying to make $25.00 go as far today as
-it did when you were first married.
+When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used
+interchangeably.
 %
-A budget is buying a dress two sizes too small because
-it was marked down.
+When outrageous expenditures are divided finely enough
+the public will not have enough stake in any one
+expenditure to squelch it.
 %
-You sure have to borrow a lot of money these days to
-be an average consumer.
+When properly administered, vacations do not diminish
+productivity.  For every week you are away and get nothing
+done, there is another week when your boss is away and you
+get twice as much done.
 %
-He who dies with the most toys wins.
+When putting it into memory, remember where you put it.
 %
-A fool and his money soon go partying.
+When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most
+important ones will be illegible.
 %
-If his IQ was any lower he'd be a plant.
+When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it
+around instead of picking it up.
 %
-Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
+When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
 %
-It is far better to do nothing than to do
-something efficiently.
-		-- Siezbo
+When the government bureau's remedies do not match your
+problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
 %
-The man who has no more problems is out of the game.
+When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you
+becomes a hammer.
 %
-The race goes not always to the swift, nor the battle
-to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
+When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system
+will perform perfectly.
 %
-A fool and his money are invited places.
+When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad.
 %
-All things come to him whose name is on a mailing list.
+When things are going well, someone will inevitably
+experiment detrimentally.
 %
-The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached
-to someone who isn't getting enough sleep.
+When things are going well, something will go wrong.
+When things just can't get any worse, they will.
+When things appear to be going better you have overlooked
+something.
 %
-After winning an argument with his wife,
-the wisest thing a man can do is apologize.
+When traveling overseas, the exchange rate improves
+markedly the day after one has purchased foreign
+currency.
+
+Upon returning home, the exchange rate drops again as
+soon as one has converted all unused foreign currency.
 %
-If opportunity came disguised as temptation,
-one knock would be enough.
+When we try to pick out anything by itself we find
+it hitched to everything else in the universe.
 %
-If there was any justice in this world, people would
-occasionally be permitted to fly over pigeons.
+When working toward the solution of a problem,
+it always helps if you know the answer.
+Provided of course you know there is a problem.
 %
-Easy doesn't do it.
+When you are able to schedule two classes in a row,
+they will be held in classrooms at opposite end of
+the campus.
 %
-Most people want to be delivered from temptation but
-would like it to keep in touch.
+When you are right be logical,
+when you are wrong be-fuddle.
 %
-When a distinguished scientist states something is possible,
-he is almost certainly right.  When he states that
-something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
+When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty
+to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you.
 %
-Everyone gets away with something.
-No one gets away with everything.
+When you consider there are 24 hours in a day, it's
+sad to know that only one is called the happy hour.
 %
-Remain silent about your intentions until you are sure
+When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal
 %
-Calm down .... it is only ones and zeros.
+When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
 %
-Real programmers don't write COBOL.
-COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers.
+When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the
+world's composed of aluminum and vinyl.
 %
-I have not lost my mind, it is backed up on tape somewhere.
+When your opponent is down, kick him.
 %
-Real programmers do not document.
-Documentation is for simps who can't read listings or
-object code.
+When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn
+green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop.
 %
-Real programmers don't write specs -- users should
-consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and
-take what they get.
+Whenever a superstar is traded to your favorite team,
+he fades.  Whenever your team trades away a useless
+no-name, he immediately rises to stardom.
 %
-Real programmers don't comment their code. if it is hard
-to write, it should be hard to understand.
+Whenever you cut your fingernails you will find a
+need for them an hour later.
 %
-Real programmers don't write applications programs; they
-program right down on the bare metal.  Application
-programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming.
+Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit.
 %
-Real programmers don't eat quiche.  In fact, real
-programmers don't know how to spell quiche.  They eat
-Twinkies and szechuan food.
+Why worry about tomorrow?  We may not make it through today!
 %
-Real programmer's programs never work the first time.  But
-if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into
-working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.
+Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet
+reached their level of incompetence.
 %
-Real programmers never work 9 to 5.  If any real
-programmers are around at 9 a.m., it's because they
-were up all night.
+Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the
+water that keeps it green.
 %
-Real programmers don't write in Basic.  Actually, no
-programmers write in Basic after age 12.
+Workers won't.
 %
-Real programmers don't write in PL/1.  PL/1 is for
-programmers who can't decide whether to write in
-COBOL or Fortran.
+Working capital doesn't.
 %
-Real programmers don't play tennis or any other sport
-that requires you to change clothes.  Mountain climbing is
-O.K., and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work
-in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle
-of the machine room.
+Writings prepared without understanding must fail in the
+first objective of communication -- informing
+the uninformed.
 %
-Real programmers don't write in Pascal, Bliss, or Ada, or
-any of those pinko computer science languages.  Strong
-typing is for people with weak memories.
+You are always complimented on the item which took the
+least effort to prepare.
+
+Example:
+	If you make "duck a l'orange" you will be
+	complimented on the baked potato.
 %
-On a clear disk, you can seek forever.
+You are not drunk if you can lay on the floor without
+holding on.
 %
-Hollerith got us into this hole mess!
+You can always find what you're not looking for.
 %
-No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets,
-with the same staff that started it.  Yours will not be the
-first.
+You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to
+float on his back, you've really got something.
 %
-When things are going well, something will go wrong.
-When things just can't get any worse, they will.
-When things appear to be going better you have overlooked
-something.
+You can never do just one thing.
 %
-If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of
-change will exceed the rate of progress.
+You can observe a lot just by watching.
 %
-No system is ever completely debugged:  Attempts to debug
-a system will inevitably introduce new bugs that are even
-harder to find.
+You can pray hard enough to make water run uphill
+how hard?
+Hard enough to make water run uphill.
 %
-A carelessly planned project will take three times
-longer than expected; a carefully planned project will
-take only twice as long.
+You can't expect to hit the jackpot
+if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.
 %
-After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said
-than done
+You can't fix it if it ain't broke.
 %
-If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
+You can't guard against the arbitrary.
 %
-Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty, and the pig
-likes it!
+You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.
 %
-Don't fight with a bear in his own cage.
+You don't have to be crazy to work here
+but it sure helps!!!!!!!
 %
-The six steps of program management are:
-(1)	Wild enthusiasm
-(2)	Disenchantment
-(3)	Total confusion
-(4)	Search for guilty
-(5)	Punishment for the innocent
-(6)	Promotion of the non-participants
+You may be recognized soon.
+Hide!
+If they find you, lie.
 %
-He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
-the next freeway exit.
+You may know where the market is going, but you can't
+possibly know where it's going after that.
 %
-An expert doesn't know any more than you do.  He or she is
-merely better organized and uses slides.
+You never have the right number of pills left on the
+last day of a prescription.
 %
-Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have
-to do it himself/herself.
+You never know who's right, but you always know
+who's in charge.
 %
-You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to
-float on his back, you've really got something.
+You sure have to borrow a lot of money these days to
+be an average consumer.
 %
-You win some, lose some, and some get rained out; but you
-gotta suit up for them all.
+You will always find something in the last place you look.
 %
-People are promoted not by what they can do, but what
-people think they can do.
+You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash
+when the garbage truck is two doors away.
 %
-Don't smoke in bed - the ashes on the floor might be your
-own.
+You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you
+don't burn your bridges until you come to them.
 %
-I can only please one person per day.
-Today is not your day.
-(Tomorrow isn't looking good either.)
+You win some, lose some, and some get rained out; but you
+gotta suit up for them all.
 %
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy-o b/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy-o
index 004ad80..94c9cc2 100644
--- a/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy-o
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy-o
@@ -1,15 +1,5 @@
 %%$FreeBSD$
 %
-You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
-%
-When you're up to your nose in shit,
-be sure to keep your mouth shut.
-%
-One's life tends to be like a beaver's,
-one dam thing after another.
-%
-Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
-%
 All probabilities are 50%: either a thing will
 happen or it won't.
 
@@ -17,14 +7,24 @@ This is especially true when dealing with women.
 
 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
 %
-Sow your wild oats on Saturday night - then on
-Sunday pray for crop failure.
-%
 Early to rise and early to bed makes a male
 healthy and wealthy and dead.
 %
+It's always the wrong time of the month.
+%
+Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
+%
+One's life tends to be like a beaver's,
+one dam thing after another.
+%
 Pity the poor egg;
 It only gets laid once in its life.
 %
-It's always the wrong time of the month.
+Sow your wild oats on Saturday night - then on
+Sunday pray for crop failure.
+%
+When you're up to your nose in shit,
+be sure to keep your mouth shut.
+%
+You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
 %
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/startrek b/games/fortune/datfiles/startrek
index 92258c9..f45a0e2 100644
--- a/games/fortune/datfiles/startrek
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/startrek
@@ -1,5 +1,108 @@
 %% $FreeBSD$
 %
+	"... freedom ... is a worship word..."
+	"It is our worship word too."
+		-- Cloud William and Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
+%
+	"Beauty is transitory."
+	"Beauty survives."
+		-- Spock and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
+%
+	"Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away
+with jealousy, greed, hate ..."
+	"It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness,
+sentiment -- the other side of the coin"
+		-- Dr. Roger Corby and Kirk,
+		   "What are Little Girls Made Of?", stardate 2712.4
+%
+	"Evil does seek to maintain power by suppressing the truth."
+	"Or by misleading the innocent."
+		-- Spock and McCoy, "And The Children Shall Lead",
+		   stardate 5029.5.
+%
+	"Get back to your stations!"
+	"We're beaming down to the planet, sir."
+		-- Kirk and Mr. Leslie, "This Side of Paradise",
+		   stardate 3417.3
+%
+	"I think they're going to take all this money that we spend now
+on war and death --"
+	"And make them spend it on life."
+		-- Edith Keeler and Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever",
+		   stardate unknown.
+%
+	"It's hard to believe that something which is neither seen nor
+felt can do so much harm."
+	"That's true.  But an idea can't be seen or felt.  And that's
+what kept the Troglytes in the mines all these centuries.  A mistaken idea."
+		-- Vanna and Kirk, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5819.0
+%
+	"Life and death are seldom logical."
+	"But attaining a desired goal always is."
+		-- McCoy and Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2821.7
+%
+	"Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here."
+	"You admit that?"
+	"To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor"
+		-- Spock and McCoy, "A Piece of the Action", stardate unknown
+%
+	"No one talks peace unless he's ready to back it up with war."
+	"He talks of peace if it is the only way to live."
+		-- Colonel Green and Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain",
+		   stardate 5906.5.
+%
+	"That unit is a woman."
+	"A mass of conflicting impulses."
+		-- Spock and Nomad, "The Changeling", stardate 3541.9
+%
+	"The combination of a number of things to make existence worthwhile."
+	"Yes, the philosophy of 'none,' meaning 'all.'"
+		-- Spock and Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
+%
+	"The glory of creation is in its infinite diversity."
+	"And in the way our differences combine to create meaning and
+beauty."
+		-- Dr. Miranda Jones and Spock,
+		   "Is There in Truth No Beauty?", stardate 5630.8
+%
+	"The release of emotion is what keeps us healthy.  Emotionally
+healthy."
+	"That may be, Doctor.  However, I have noted that the healthy
+release of emotion is frequently unhealthy for those closest to you."
+		-- McCoy and Spock, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3
+%
+	"There's only one kind of woman ..."
+	"Or man, for that matter.  You either believe in yourself or
+you don't."
+		-- Kirk and Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1
+%
+	"We have the right to survive!"
+	"Not by killing others."
+		-- Deela and Kirk, "Wink of An Eye", stardate 5710.5
+%
+	"What a terrible way to die."
+	"There are no good ways."
+		-- Sulu and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
+%
+	"What happened to the crewman?"
+	"The M-5 computer needed a new power source, the crewman merely
+got in the way."
+		-- Kirk and Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer",
+		   stardate 4731.3.
+%
+... bacteriological warfare ... hard to believe we were once foolish
+enough to play around with that.
+		-- McCoy, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
+%
+... The prejudices people feel about each other disappear when they get
+to know each other.
+		-- Kirk, "Elaan of Troyius", stardate 4372.5
+%
+... The things love can drive a man to -- the ecstasies, the
+miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious
+failures and the glorious victories.
+		-- McCoy, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7
+%
 A father doesn't destroy his children.
 		-- Lt. Carolyn Palamas, "Who Mourns for Adonais?",
 		   stardate 3468.1.
@@ -47,14 +150,6 @@ Another war ... must it always be so?  How many comrades have we lost
 in this way? ...  Obedience.  Duty.  Death, and more death ...
 		-- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
 %
-... bacteriological warfare ... hard to believe we were once foolish
-enough to play around with that.
-		-- McCoy, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
-%
-	"Beauty is transitory."
-	"Beauty survives."
-		-- Spock and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
-%
 Behind every great man, there is a woman -- urging him on.
 		-- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
 %
@@ -67,13 +162,6 @@ able to break it, but, I'll bet you credits to Navy Beans we can put a
 dent in it.
 		-- deSalle, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2
 %
-	"Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away
-with jealousy, greed, hate ..."
-	"It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness,
-sentiment -- the other side of the coin"
-		-- Dr. Roger Corby and Kirk,
-		   "What are Little Girls Made Of?", stardate 2712.4
-%
 Change is the essential process of all existence.
 		-- Spock, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield", stardate 5730.2
 %
@@ -89,13 +177,13 @@ man.  And nothing can replace it or him.
 Conquest is easy. Control is not.
 		-- Kirk, "Mirror, Mirror", stardate unknown
 %
-Death, when unnecessary, is a tragic thing.
-		-- Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7
-%
 Death.  Destruction.  Disease.  Horror.  That's what war is all about.
 That's what makes it a thing to be avoided.
 		-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
 %
+Death, when unnecessary, is a tragic thing.
+		-- Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7
+%
 Do you know about being with somebody?  Wanting to be?  If I had the
 whole universe, I'd give it to you, Janice.  When I see you, I feel
 like I'm hungry all over.  Do you know how that feels?
@@ -132,39 +220,25 @@ mistakes.
 Every living thing wants to survive.
 		-- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
 %
-	"Evil does seek to maintain power by suppressing the truth."
-	"Or by misleading the innocent."
-		-- Spock and McCoy, "And The Children Shall Lead",
-		   stardate 5029.5.
-%
 Extreme feminine beauty is always disturbing.
 		-- Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4
 %
-Fascinating is a word I use for the unexpected.
-		-- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
-%
 Fascinating, a totally parochial attitude.
 		-- Spock, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
 %
+Fascinating is a word I use for the unexpected.
+		-- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
+%
 First study the enemy.  Seek weakness.
 		-- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
 %
 Four thousand throats may be cut in one night by a running man.
 		-- Klingon Soldier, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
 %
-	"... freedom ... is a worship word..."
-	"It is our worship word too."
-		-- Cloud William and Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
-%
 Genius doesn't work on an assembly line basis.  You can't simply say,
 "Today I will be brilliant."
 		-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
 %
-	"Get back to your stations!"
-	"We're beaming down to the planet, sir."
-		-- Kirk and Mr. Leslie, "This Side of Paradise",
-		   stardate 3417.3
-%
 He's dead, Jim
 		-- McCoy, "The Devil in the Dark", stardate 3196.1
 %
@@ -192,26 +266,11 @@ nor am I frightened of it.  It simply exists, and I will do whatever
 logically needs to be done.
 		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2812.7
 %
-	"I think they're going to take all this money that we spend now
-on war and death --"
-	"And make them spend it on life."
-		-- Edith Keeler and Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever",
-		   stardate unknown.
-%
 I thought my people would grow tired of killing.  But you were right,
 they see it is easier than trading.  And it has its pleasures.  I feel
 it myself.  Like the hunt, but with richer rewards.
 		-- Apella, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
 %
-I'm a soldier, not a diplomat.  I can only tell the truth.
-		-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.9
-%
-I'm frequently appalled by the low regard you Earthmen have for life.
-		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
-%
-I've already got a female to worry about.  Her name is the Enterprise.
-		-- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0
-%
 If a man had a child who'd gone anti-social, killed perhaps, he'd still
 tend to protect that child.
 		-- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
@@ -225,6 +284,12 @@ If some day we are defeated, well, war has its fortunes, good and bad.
 If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them.
 		-- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.7
 %
+I'm a soldier, not a diplomat.  I can only tell the truth.
+		-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.9
+%
+I'm frequently appalled by the low regard you Earthmen have for life.
+		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
+%
 Immortality consists largely of boredom.
 		-- Zefrem Cochrane, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
 %
@@ -278,11 +343,8 @@ It would be illogical to kill without reason
 It would seem that evil retreats when forcibly confronted
 		-- Yarnek of Excalbia, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
 %
-	"It's hard to believe that something which is neither seen nor
-felt can do so much harm."
-	"That's true.  But an idea can't be seen or felt.  And that's
-what kept the Troglytes in the mines all these centuries.  A mistaken idea."
-		-- Vanna and Kirk, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5819.0
+I've already got a female to worry about.  Her name is the Enterprise.
+		-- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0
 %
 Killing is stupid; useless!
 		-- McCoy, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
@@ -299,18 +361,9 @@ Landru! Guide us!
 Leave bigotry in your quarters; there's no room for it on the bridge.
 		-- Kirk, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
 %
-	"Life and death are seldom logical."
-	"But attaining a desired goal always is."
-		-- McCoy and Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2821.7
-%
 Live long and prosper.
 		-- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
 %
-	"Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here."
-	"You admit that?"
-	"To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor"
-		-- Spock and McCoy, "A Piece of the Action", stardate unknown
-%
 Lots of people drink from the wrong bottle sometimes.
 		-- Edith Keeler, "The City on the Edge of Forever",
 		   stardate unknown
@@ -351,11 +404,6 @@ No one can guarantee the actions of another.
 No one may kill a man.  Not for any purpose.  It cannot be condoned.
 		-- Kirk, "Spock's Brain", stardate 5431.6
 %
-	"No one talks peace unless he's ready to back it up with war."
-	"He talks of peace if it is the only way to live."
-		-- Colonel Green and Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain",
-		   stardate 5906.5.
-%
 No one wants war.
 		-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
 %
@@ -439,14 +487,6 @@ Suffocating together ... would create heroic camaraderie.
 Superior ability breeds superior ambition.
 		-- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
 %
-	"That unit is a woman."
-	"A mass of conflicting impulses."
-		-- Spock and Nomad, "The Changeling", stardate 3541.9
-%
-	"The combination of a number of things to make existence worthwhile."
-	"Yes, the philosophy of 'none,' meaning 'all.'"
-		-- Spock and Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
-%
 The face of war has never changed.  Surely it is more logical to heal
 than to kill.
 		-- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
@@ -456,12 +496,6 @@ pattern.  We don't fear it as you do.
 		-- Proconsul Marcus Claudius, "Bread and Circuses",
 		   stardate 4041.2
 %
-	"The glory of creation is in its infinite diversity."
-	"And in the way our differences combine to create meaning and
-beauty."
-		-- Dr. Miranda Jones and Spock,
-		   "Is There in Truth No Beauty?", stardate 5630.8
-%
 The heart is not a logical organ.
 		-- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4
 %
@@ -490,27 +524,12 @@ destroying or interfering with the creation of that which we love so
 deeply -- life in every form from fetus to developed being.
 		-- Hodin of Gideon, "The Mark of Gideon", stardate 5423.4
 %
-... The prejudices people feel about each other disappear when they get
-to know each other.
-		-- Kirk, "Elaan of Troyius", stardate 4372.5
-%
-	"The release of emotion is what keeps us healthy.  Emotionally
-healthy."
-	"That may be, Doctor.  However, I have noted that the healthy
-release of emotion is frequently unhealthy for those closest to you."
-		-- McCoy and Spock, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3
-%
 The sight of death frightens them [Earthers].
 		-- Kras the Klingon, "Friday's Child", stardate 3497.2
 %
 The sooner our happiness together begins, the longer it will last.
 		-- Miramanee, "The Paradise Syndrome", stardate 4842.6
 %
-... The things love can drive a man to -- the ecstasies, the
-miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious
-failures and the glorious victories.
-		-- McCoy, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7
-%
 There are always alternatives.
 		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
 %
@@ -551,11 +570,6 @@ There's nothing disgusting about it [the Companion].  It's just another
 life form, that's all.  You get used to those things.
 		-- McCoy, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
 %
-	"There's only one kind of woman ..."
-	"Or man, for that matter.  You either believe in yourself or
-you don't."
-		-- Kirk and Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1
-%
 This cultural mystique surrounding the biological function -- you
 realize humans are overly preoccupied with the subject.
 		-- Kelinda the Kelvan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4658.9
@@ -601,12 +615,6 @@ Vulcans worship peace above all.
 Wait!  You have not been prepared!
 		-- Mr. Atoz, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate 3113.2
 %
-War is never imperative.
-		-- McCoy, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
-%
-War isn't a good life, but it's life.
-		-- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
-%
 [War] is instinctive.  But the instinct can be fought.  We're human
 beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands!  But we
 can stop it.  We can admit that we're killers ... but we're not going
@@ -614,6 +622,12 @@ to kill today.  That's all it takes!  Knowing that we're not going to
 kill today!
 		-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
 %
+War is never imperative.
+		-- McCoy, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
+%
+War isn't a good life, but it's life.
+		-- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
+%
 We do not colonize.  We conquer.  We rule.  There is no other way for
 us.
 		-- Rojan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4657.5
@@ -629,10 +643,6 @@ development.
 We have phasers, I vote we blast 'em!
 		-- Bailey, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.2
 %
-	"We have the right to survive!"
-	"Not by killing others."
-		-- Deela and Kirk, "Wink of An Eye", stardate 5710.5
-%
 We Klingons believe as you do -- the sick should die.  Only the strong
 should live.
 		-- Kras, "Friday's Child", stardate 3497.2
@@ -642,20 +652,10 @@ But when it comes to your job -- that's different.  And it always will
 be different.
 		-- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
 %
-	"What happened to the crewman?"
-	"The M-5 computer needed a new power source, the crewman merely
-got in the way."
-		-- Kirk and Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer",
-		   stardate 4731.3.
-%
 What kind of love is that?  Not to be loved; never to have shown love.
 		-- Commissioner Nancy Hedford, "Metamorphosis",
 		   stardate 3219.8
 %
-	"What a terrible way to die."
-	"There are no good ways."
-		-- Sulu and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
-%
 When a child is taught ... its programmed with simple instructions --
 and at some point, if its mind develops properly, it exceeds the sum of
 what it was taught, thinks independently.
@@ -703,6 +703,9 @@ woman.
 Yes, it is written.  Good shall always destroy evil.
 		-- Sirah the Yang, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
 %
+You!  What PLANET is this?!
+		-- McCoy, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0
+%
 You are an excellent tactician, Captain.  You let your second in
 command attack while you sit and watch for weakness.
 		-- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
@@ -735,9 +738,6 @@ soldiers.
 		-- Kor, the Klingon Commander, "Errand of Mercy",
 		   stardate 3201.7
 %
-You!  What PLANET is this?!
-		-- McCoy, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0
-%
 You'll learn something about men and women -- the way they're supposed
 to be.  Caring for each other, being happy with each other, being good
 to each other.  That's what we call love.  You'll like that a lot.
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/zippy b/games/fortune/datfiles/zippy
index 85d9832..a613036 100644
--- a/games/fortune/datfiles/zippy
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/zippy
@@ -1,5 +1,69 @@
 %% $FreeBSD$
 %
+	Talking Pinhead Blues:
+Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on channel
+    TWENTY-SIX!!
+
+Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS has been
+    DEAD for YEARS..  (sniff)
+
+My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th' dog, ALEXANDER HAIG
+    won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter ... (snurf)
+
+So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me upside mah HAID!!
+    (on no, no, no..  Heh, heh)
+%
+... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
+%
+... he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.
+%
+... I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q.
+LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!
+%
+... I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN.
+%
+... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ...
+%
+-- I have seen the FUN --
+%
+-- I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC.  We're going away
+now.  I fed the cat.
+%
+... I see TOILET SEATS ...
+%
+... I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common
+MISAPPREHENSIONS ...
+%
+... I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!!
+%
+... I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within
+SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!!
+%
+... ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr ... ich lande im
+antiken Rom ...  einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble ... ich rieche
+PIZZA ...
+%
+... If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate
+man!!
+%
+... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM
+of a KOSHER DELI --
+%
+... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
+Alley!!
+%
+... Now, it's time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!!
+%
+... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last
+Tuesday?
+%
+... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued
+OYSTER!  Yum!
+%
+... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
+%
+... this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!
+%
 A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!!
 %
 A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!
@@ -82,8 +146,6 @@ BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot ...
 %
 BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-
 %
-... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
-%
 Bo Derek ruined my life!
 %
 Boy, am I glad it's only 1971...
@@ -224,8 +286,6 @@ today!
 Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES?? ...  Now, it's
 time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!!
 %
-... he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.
-%
 He is the MELBA-BEING ... the ANGEL CAKE ... XEROX him ... XEROX him --
 %
 He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE inside me
@@ -233,23 +293,23 @@ like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER!  Or maybe he'd like to
 PSYCHOLIGICALLY TERRORISE ME until I have no objection to a RIGHT-WING
 MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!!  I guess I should call AL PACINO!
 %
-HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!
-%
-HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!
-%
-Hello, GORRY-O!!  I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!!
+Hello?  Enema Bondage?  I'm calling because I want to be happy, I
+guess ...
 %
 Hello.  I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic Alaskan
 females!!
 %
+Hello...  IRON CURTAIN?  Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA!  World War III?  No
+thanks!
+%
 Hello.  Just walk along and try NOT to think about your INTESTINES
 being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!!
 %
-Hello...  IRON CURTAIN?  Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA!  World War III?  No
-thanks!
+HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!
 %
-Hello?  Enema Bondage?  I'm calling because I want to be happy, I
-guess ...
+Hello, GORRY-O!!  I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!!
+%
+HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!
 %
 Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying my urine sample
 bottles ...
@@ -338,14 +398,9 @@ I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE ... I think it's all
 just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell
 more numbers!!
 %
-... I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q.
-LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!
-%
 I don't know WHY I said that ... I think it came from the FILLINGS in
 my read molars ...
 %
-... I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN.
-%
 I don't understand the HUMOUR of the THREE STOOGES!!
 %
 I feel ... JUGULAR ...
@@ -382,10 +437,6 @@ I have accepted Provolone into my life!
 %
 I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..
 %
-... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ...
-%
--- I have seen the FUN --
-%
 I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ...
 %
 I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... I have read the
@@ -434,19 +485,16 @@ I Know A Joke
 %
 I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!
 %
-I know th'MAMBO!!  I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!
-%
 I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!!
 %
+I know th'MAMBO!!  I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!
+%
 I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!
 %
 I like the way ONLY their mouths move ...  They look like DYING OYSTERS
 %
 I like your SNOOPY POSTER!!
 %
--- I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC.  We're going away
-now.  I fed the cat.
-%
 I love ROCK 'N ROLL!  I memorized the all WORDS to "WIPE-OUT" in
 1965!!
 %
@@ -464,8 +512,6 @@ I represent a sardine!!
 %
 I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers!
 %
-... I see TOILET SEATS ...
-%
 I selected E5 ... but I didn't hear "Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs"!
 %
 I smell a RANCID CORN DOG!
@@ -474,9 +520,6 @@ I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day!
 %
 I think I am an overnight sensation right now!!
 %
-... I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common
-MISAPPREHENSIONS ...
-%
 I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this 14th STORY WINDOW while
 reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!!
 %
@@ -485,8 +528,6 @@ I think my career is ruined!
 I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the HIGH
 RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!!
 %
-... I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!!
-%
 I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go ... with EXTRA MSG!!
 %
 I want a WESSON OIL lease!!
@@ -496,9 +537,6 @@ I want another RE-WRITE on my CAESAR SALAD!!
 I want EARS!  I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n
 secure!!
 %
-... I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within
-SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!!
-%
 I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres.
 %
 I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINE
@@ -544,6 +582,31 @@ I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried!
 %
 I'd like some JUNK FOOD ... and then I want to be ALONE --
 %
+If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD for
+MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE of a
+GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!!
+%
+If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American a 55-year-old
+houseboy ...
+%
+If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!
+%
+If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
+replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!
+%
+If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!
+%
+If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th' collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!
+%
+If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!!  Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!
+%
+if it GLISTENS, gobble it!!
+%
+If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!
+%
+If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry
+Bonzo??
+%
 I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!!
 %
 I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS ...
@@ -599,9 +662,6 @@ wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS ...
 %
 I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!!
 %
-... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM
-of a KOSHER DELI --
-%
 I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.
 %
 I'm into SOFTWARE!
@@ -657,45 +717,6 @@ REGIONS!
 %
 I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode.
 %
-I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT ...
-%
-I've got an IDEA!!  Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, you forget your
-SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!
-%
-I've read SEVEN MILLION books!!
-%
-... ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr ... ich lande im
-antiken Rom ...  einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble ... ich rieche
-PIZZA ...
-%
-If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD for
-MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE of a
-GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!!
-%
-If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American a 55-year-old
-houseboy ...
-%
-If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!
-%
-If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
-replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!
-%
-If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!
-%
-If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th' collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!
-%
-... If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate
-man!!
-%
-If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!!  Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!
-%
-if it GLISTENS, gobble it!!
-%
-If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!
-%
-If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry
-Bonzo??
-%
 In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a "Continental
 Belt," for $10.99!!
 %
@@ -750,6 +771,13 @@ It's OKAY -- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too.
 %
 It's the RINSE CYCLE!!  They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!!
 %
+I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT ...
+%
+I've got an IDEA!!  Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, you forget your
+SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!
+%
+I've read SEVEN MILLION books!!
+%
 JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach their level
 of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING ...
 %
@@ -784,17 +812,17 @@ Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!!
 %
 Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!!
 %
+Look!  A ladder!  Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!
+%
+LOOK!!  Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and "Flock of
+Seagulls" HAIRCUTS!
+%
 Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!!  Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS ... or a
 HIGHBALL?? ...
 %
 Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge
 card!
 %
-Look!  A ladder!  Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!
-%
-LOOK!!  Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and "Flock of
-Seagulls" HAIRCUTS!
-%
 Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!!
 %
 Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP in a
@@ -847,9 +875,6 @@ My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ...
 %
 my NOSE is NUMB!
 %
-... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
-Alley!!
-%
 My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!
 %
 My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!
@@ -891,21 +916,19 @@ by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ...
 %
 Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ...
 %
+Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!
+%
 Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the SMELTING
 and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!!
 %
 Now that I have my "APPLE", I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!!
 %
-... Now, it's time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!!
-%
-Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!
-%
 Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --
 %
-Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!
-%
 Oh, I get it!!  "The BEACH goes on", huh, SONNY??
 %
+Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!
+%
 Okay ... I'm going home to write the "I HATE RUBIK's CUBE HANDBOOK FOR
 DEAD CAT LOVERS" ...
 %
@@ -926,10 +949,6 @@ QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD if only we let it!!
 On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a
 POINT.
 %
-Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family of
-DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their PROPERTY
-VALUES!!
-%
 Once, there was NO fun ... This was before MENU planning, FASHION
 statements or NAUTILUS equipment ... Then, in 1985 ... FUN was
 completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP ... It contain 14,768 vaguely
@@ -937,15 +956,16 @@ amusing SIT-COM pilots!!  We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we
 finally got JERRY LEWIS, MTV and a large selection of creme-filled
 snack cakes!
 %
-One FISHWICH coming up!!
+Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family of
+DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their PROPERTY
+VALUES!!
 %
 ONE:    I will donate my entire "BABY HUEY" comic book collection to
 	the downtown PLASMA CENTER ...
 TWO:	I won't START a BAND called "KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD" ...
 THREE:	I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!!
 %
-... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last
-Tuesday?
+One FISHWICH coming up!!
 %
 Our father who art in heaven ... I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY at this
 table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN ... and also
@@ -1003,12 +1023,12 @@ hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST?
 %
 Sign my PETITION.
 %
-So this is what it feels like to be potato salad
-%
 So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYABEAN FUTURES into HIGH-YIELD T-BILL
 INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks will DWINDLE to a rate of 2
 SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!!
 %
+So this is what it feels like to be potato salad
+%
 someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN
 %
 Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!!
@@ -1026,19 +1046,6 @@ Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!!  I wonder why?
 %
 TAILFINS!! ... click ...
 %
-	Talking Pinhead Blues:
-Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on channel
-    TWENTY-SIX!!
-
-Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS has been
-    DEAD for YEARS..  (sniff)
-
-My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th' dog, ALEXANDER HAIG
-    won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter ... (snurf)
-
-So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me upside mah HAID!!
-    (on no, no, no..  Heh, heh)
-%
 TAPPING?  You POLITICIANS!  Don't you realize that the END of the "Wash
 Cycle" is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?!
 %
@@ -1060,13 +1067,8 @@ SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!!
 %
 The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN ...
 %
-... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued
-OYSTER!  Yum!
-%
 The Korean War must have been fun.
 %
-... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
-%
 The Osmonds!  You are all Osmonds!!  Throwing up on a freeway at
 dawn!!!
 %
@@ -1094,8 +1096,6 @@ This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!!
 This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully pressed up
 against someone's MARTINI!!
 %
-... this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!
-%
 This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!
 %
 This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE ... And he has "VISA"!!
@@ -1117,9 +1117,6 @@ Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
 %
 TONY RANDALL!  Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??
 %
-Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader
-frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend?
-%
 Uh-oh!!  I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS!
 %
 UH-OH!!  I put on "GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's" by
@@ -1132,6 +1129,9 @@ Uh-oh!!  I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!
 %
 UH-OH!!  We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS!
 %
+Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader
+frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend?
+%
 Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE!
 %
 VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
@@ -1245,6 +1245,9 @@ Xerox your lunch and file it under "sex offenders"!
 Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather at an IRON
 MAIDEN concert?
 %
+YOU!!  Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little VICTORIAN
+DOLLHOUSE you can find!!  An make it SNAPPY!!
+%
 You can't hurt me!!  I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!!
 %
 You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR th'
@@ -1259,9 +1262,6 @@ CAREER!!
 %
 You were s'posed to laugh!
 %
-YOU!!  Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little VICTORIAN
-DOLLHOUSE you can find!!  An make it SNAPPY!!
-%
 Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS --
 %
 Youth of today!  Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental
@@ -1283,6 +1283,10 @@ Yow!  Are you the self-frying president?
 %
 Yow!  Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie??
 %
+YOW!!  Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!
+%
+YOW!!!  I am having fun!!!
+%
 Yow!  I just went below the poverty line!
 %
 Yow!  I threw up on my window!
@@ -1296,6 +1300,8 @@ mill!
 %
 Yow!  I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce!
 %
+YOW!!  I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!!
+%
 Yow!  Is my fallout shelter termite proof?
 %
 Yow!  Is this sexual intercourse yet??  Is it, huh, is it??
@@ -1309,27 +1315,21 @@ Yow!  Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY --
 Yow!  Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING
 BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!
 %
-Yow!  Now we can become alcoholics!
-%
-Yow!  Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!
-%
-Yow!  We're going to a new disco!
-%
-YOW!!  Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!
-%
-YOW!!  I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!!
-%
 YOW!!  Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY and th' new TAX REFORM
 laws!!
 %
+Yow!  Now we can become alcoholics!
+%
 YOW!!  The land of the rising SONY!!
 %
+Yow!  Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!
+%
 YOW!!  Up ahead!  It's a DONUT HUT!!
 %
+Yow!  We're going to a new disco!
+%
 YOW!!  What should the entire human race DO??  Consume a fifth of
 CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild SEX WEEKEND!
 %
-YOW!!!  I am having fun!!!
-%
 Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses ...
 %