Bring in the 4.4 Lite games directory, modulo man page changes and segregation

of the x11 based games.  I'm not going to tag the originals with bsd_44_lite
and do this in two stages since it's just not worth it for this collection,
and I've got directory renames to deal with that way.  Bleah.
Submitted by:	jkh

31 files changed, 102332 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/games/fortune/Makefile b/games/fortune/Makefile
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ebd7c05
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/Makefile
@@ -0,0 +1,15 @@
+#	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+
+SUBDIR=	fortune
+
+.ifmake (clean) || (cleandir)
+SUBDIR+=datfiles
+.endif
+
+.ifmake !(install)
+SUBDIR+=strfile
+.else
+SUBDIR+=datfiles
+.endif
+
+.include <bsd.subdir.mk>
diff --git a/games/fortune/Notes b/games/fortune/Notes
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9be4f4d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/Notes
@@ -0,0 +1,177 @@
+#	@(#)Notes	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+
+Warning:
+	The fortunes contained in the fortune database have been collected
+	haphazardly from a cacophony of sources, in number so huge it
+	boggles the mind.  It is impossible to do any meaningful quality
+	control on attributions, or lack thereof, or exactness of the quote.
+	Since this database is not used for profit, and since entire works
+	are not published, it falls under fair use, as we understand it.
+	However, if any half-assed idiot decides to make a profit off of
+	this, they will need to double check it all, and nobody not involved
+	of such an effort makes any warranty that anything in the database
+	bears any relation to the real world of literature, law, or other
+	bizzarrity.
+
+==> GENERAL INFORMATION
+	By default, fortune retrieves its fortune files from the directory
+/usr/share/games/fortune.  A fortune file has two parts: the source file
+(which contains the fortunes themselves) and the data file which describes
+the fortunes.  The data fil always has the same name as the fortune file
+with the string ".dat" concatenated, i.e. "fort" is the standard fortune
+database, and "fort.dat" is the data file which describes it.  See
+strfile(8) for more information on creating the data files.
+	Fortunes are split into potentially offensive and not potentially
+offensive parts.  The offensive version of a file has the same name as the
+non-offensive version with "-o" concatenated, i.e. "fort" is the standard
+fortune database, and "fort-o" is the standard offensive database.  The
+fortune program automatically assumes that any file with a name ending in
+"-o" is potentially offensive, and should therefore only be displayed if
+explicitly requested, either with the -o option or by specifying a file name
+on the command line.
+	Potentially offensive fortune files should NEVER be maintained in
+clear text on the system.  They are rotated (see caesar(6)) 13 positions.
+To create a new, potentially offensive database, use caesar to rotate it,
+and then create its data file with the -x option to strfile(8).  The fortune
+program automatically decrypts the text when it prints entries from such
+databases.
+	Anything which would not make it onto network prime time programming
+(or which would only be broadcast if some discredited kind of guy said it)
+MUST be in the potentially offensive database.  Fortunes containing any
+explicit language (see George Carlin's recent updated list) MUST be in the
+potentially offensive database.  Political and religious opinions are often
+sequestered in the potentially offensive section as well.  Anything which
+assumes as a world view blatantly racist, mysogynist (sexist), or homophobic
+ideas should not be in either, since they are not really funny unless *you*
+are racist, mysogynist, or homophobic.
+	The point of this is that people have should have a reasonable
+expectation that, should they just run "fortune", they will not be offended.
+We know that some people take offense at anything, but normal people do have
+opinions, too, and have a right not to have their sensibilities offended by
+a program which is supposed to be entertaining.  People who run "fortune
+-o" or "fortune -a" are saying, in effect, that they are willing to have
+their sensibilities tweaked.  However, they should not have their personal
+worth seriously (i.e., not in jest) assaulted.  Jokes which depend for their
+humor on racist, mysogynist, or homophobic stereotypes *do* seriously
+assault individual personal worth, and in an general entertainment medium
+we should be able to get by without it.
+
+==> FORMATTING
+	This file describes the format for fortunes in the database.  This
+is done in detail to make it easier to keep track of things.  Any rule given
+here may be broken to make a better joke.
+
+[All examples are indented by one tab stop -- KCRCA]
+
+Numbers should be given in parentheses, e.g.,
+
+	(1)	Everything depends.
+	(2)	Nothing is always.
+	(3)	Everything is sometimes.
+
+Attributions are two tab stops, followed by two hyphens, followed by a
+space, followed by the attribution, and are *not* preceded by blank
+lines.  Book, journal, movie, and all other titles are in quotes, e.g.,
+
+	$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
+	which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
+			-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
+
+Attributions which do not fit on one (72 char) line should be continued
+on a line which lines up below the first text of the attribution, e.g.,
+
+			-- A very long attribution which might not fit on one
+			   line, "Ken Arnold's Stupid Sayings"
+
+Single paragraph fortunes are in left justified (non-indented) paragraphs
+unless they fall into another category listed below (see example above).
+Longer fortunes should also be in left justified paragraphs, but if this
+makes it too long, try indented paragraphs, with indentations of either one
+tab stop or 5 chars.  Indentations of less than 5 are too hard to read.
+
+Laws have the title left justified and capitalized, followed by a colon,
+with all the text of the law itself indented one tab stop, initially
+capitalized, e.g.,
+
+	A Law of Computer Programming:
+		Make it possible for programmers to write in English and
+		you will find the programmers cannot write in English.
+
+Limericks are indented as follows, all lines capitalized:
+
+	A computer, to print out a fact,
+	Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
+		But this output can be
+		No more than debris,
+	If the input was short of exact.
+
+Accents precede the letter they are over, e.g., "`^He" for e with a grave
+accent.  Underlining is done on a word-by-word basis, with the underlines
+preceding the word, e.g., "__^H^Hhi ____^H^H^H^Hthere".
+
+No fortune should run beyond 72 characters on a single line without good
+justification (er, no pun intended).  And no right margin justification,
+either.  Sorry.  For BSD people, there is a program called "fmt" which can
+make this kind of formatting easier.
+
+Definitions are given with the word or phrase left justified, followed by
+the part of speech (if appropriate) and a colon.  The definition starts
+indented by one tab stop, with subsequent lines left justified, e.g.,
+
+	Afternoon, n.:
+		That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted
+	the morning.
+
+Quotes are sometimes put around statements which are funnier or make more
+sense if they are understood as being spoken, rather than written,
+communication, e.g.,
+
+	"All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that
+	keeps us sane."
+
+Ellipses are always surrounded by spaces, except when next to punctuation,
+and are three dots long.
+
+	"... all the modern inconveniences ..."
+			-- Mark Twain
+
+Human initials always have spaces after the periods, e.g, "P. T.  Barnum",
+not "P.T. Barnum".  However, "P.T.A.", not "P. T. A.".
+
+All fortunes should be attributed, but if and only if they are original with
+somebody.  Many people have said things that are folk sayings (i.e., are
+common among the folk (i.e., us common slobs)).  There is nothing wrong with
+this, of course, but such statements should not be attributed to individuals
+who did not invent them.
+
+Horoscopes should have the sign indented by one tab stop, followed by the
+dates of the sign, with the text left justified below it, e.g.,
+
+		AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
+	You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.  You
+	lie a great deal.  On the other hand, you are inclined to be
+	careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
+	and over again.  People think you are stupid.
+
+Single quotes should not be used except as quotes within quotes.  Not even
+single quotes masquerading as double quotes are to be used, e.g., don't say
+``hi there'' or `hi there' or 'hi there', but "hi there".  However, you
+*can* say "I said, `hi there'".
+
+A long poem or song can be ordered as follows in order to make it fit on a
+screen (fortunes should be 19 lines or less if at all possible) (numbers
+here are stanza numbers):
+
+	11111111111111111111
+	11111111111111111111
+	11111111111111111111			22222222222222222222
+	11111111111111111111			22222222222222222222
+						22222222222222222222
+	33333333333333333333			22222222222222222222
+	33333333333333333333
+	33333333333333333333			44444444444444444444
+	33333333333333333333			44444444444444444444
+						44444444444444444444
+						44444444444444444444
+
+
diff --git a/games/fortune/README b/games/fortune/README
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ee9ef64
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/README
@@ -0,0 +1,40 @@
+#	@(#)README	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+
+The potentially offensive fortunes are not installed by default on BSD
+systems.  If you're absolutely, *positively*, without-a-shadow-of-a-doubt
+sure that your user community wants them installed, whack the Makefile
+in the subdirectory datfiles, and do "make all install".
+
+=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
+	Some years ago, my neighbor Avery said to me: "There has not been an
+adequate jokebook published since "Joe_Miller", which came out in 1739 and
+which, incidentally, was the most miserable no-good ... jokebook in the
+history of the printed word."
+	In a subsequent conversation, Avery said: "A funny story is a funny
+story, no matter who is in it - whether it's about Catholics or Protestants,
+Jews or Gentiles, blacks or whites, browns or yellows.  If a story is genuinely
+funny it makes no difference how dirty it is.  Shout it from the rooftops.
+Let the chips fall all over the prairie and let the bonehead wowsers yelp.
+... on them."
+	It is a nice thing to have a neighbor of Avery's grain.  He has
+believed in the aforestated principles all his life.  A great many other
+people nowadays are casting aside the pietistic attitude that has led them
+to plug up their ears against the facts of life.  We of The Brotherhood
+believe as Avery believes; we have never been intimidated by the pharisaical
+meddlers who have been smelling up the American landscape since the time of
+the bundling board.  Neither has any one of our members ever been called a
+racist.  Still, we have been in unremitting revolt against the ignorant
+propensity which ordains, in effect, that "The Green Pastures" should never
+have been written; the idiot attitude which compelled Arthur Kober to abandon
+his delightful Bella Gross, and Octavius Roy Cohen to quit writing about the
+splendiferous Florian Slappey; the moronic frame of mind which, if carried
+to its logical end, would have forbidden Ring Lardner from writing in the
+language of the masses.
+		-- H. Allen Smith, "Rude Jokes"
+
+	... let us keep in mind the basic governing philosophy of The
+Brotherhood, as handsomely summarized in these words: we believe in
+healthy, hearty laughter -- at the expense of the whole human race, if
+needs be.
+	Needs be.
+		-- H. Allen Smith, "Rude Jokes"
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/Makefile b/games/fortune/datfiles/Makefile
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..92690cf
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/Makefile
@@ -0,0 +1,36 @@
+#	@(#)Makefile	8.2 (Berkeley) 4/19/94
+
+SRCS=	fortunes fortunes2 startrek zippy
+BLDS=	fortunes.dat fortunes2.dat startrek.dat zippy.dat \
+	fortunes-o fortunes-o.dat
+
+# TO INSTALL THE POTENTIALLY OFFENSIVE FORTUNES, UNCOMMENT THE THREE
+# LINES AND COMMENT OUT THE FOURTH LINE.
+
+# THE THREE LINES
+SRCS+=	fortunes2-o limerick
+BLDS+=	fortunes2-o.dat limerick.dat
+TYPE=	real
+
+# THE FOURTH LINE
+#TYPE=	fake
+
+CLEANFILES+=${BLDS}
+
+install: ${SRCS} ${BLDS}
+	(cd ${.CURDIR} && install -c -o ${BINOWN} -g ${BINGRP} -m 444 \
+	    ${SRCS} ${DESTDIR}/usr/share/games/fortune)
+	install -o ${BINOWN} -g ${BINGRP} -m 444 ${BLDS} \
+	    ${DESTDIR}/usr/share/games/fortune
+
+fortunes.dat fortunes2.dat fortunes2-o.dat limerick.dat startrek.dat zippy.dat:
+	${.CURDIR}/../strfile/obj/strfile -rs \
+	    ${.CURDIR}/${.TARGET:R} ${.TARGET}
+
+fortunes-o.dat: fortunes-o
+	${.CURDIR}/../strfile/obj/strfile -rsx fortunes-o ${.TARGET}
+
+fortunes-o: fortunes-o.${TYPE}
+	/usr/games/caesar 13 < ${.ALLSRC} > ${.TARGET}
+
+.include <bsd.prog.mk>
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2f69757
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes
@@ -0,0 +1,16291 @@
+!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I  !pleH
+%
+(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
+(2) Great generals are forewarned.
+(3) Forewarned is forearmed.
+(4) Four is an even number.
+(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
+(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
+
+Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
+%
+(1) Everything depends.
+(2) Nothing is always.
+(3) Everything is sometimes.
+%
+1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
+the law!
+%
+10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
+%
+100 buckets of bits on the bus	
+100 buckets of bits
+Take one down, short it to ground
+FF buckets of bits on the bus	
+
+FF buckets of bits on the bus	
+FF buckets of bits
+Take one down, short it to ground
+FE buckets of bits on the bus	
+
+ad infinitum...
+%
+$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
+which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
+		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
+%
+101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
+	(1)  Scarecrow for centipedes
+	(2)  Dead cat brush
+	(3)  Hair barrettes
+	(4)  Cleats
+	(5)  Self-piercing earrings
+	(6)  Fungus trellis
+	(7)  False eyelashes
+	(8)  Prosthetic dog claws
+        .
+        .
+        .
+	(99)  Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
+	(100) Killer velcro
+	(101) Currency
+%
+186,282 miles per second:
+
+It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
+%
+2180, U.S. History question:
+	What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
+office did he later hold?
+%
+$3,000,000
+%
+"355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible
+simulation!"
+%
+43rd Law of Computing:
+	Anything that can go wr
+fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
+%
+77.  HO HUM -- The Redundant
+
+------- (7)	This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
+--- --- (8)	boredom.  Your programs always bomb off.  Your wife
+------- (7)	smells bad.  Your children have hives.  You are working
+---O--- (6)	on an accounting system, when you want to develop the
+---X--- (9)	GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER.  You give up hot dates to
+--- --- (8)	nurse sick computers.  What you need now is sex.
+
+Nine in the second place means:
+	The yellow bird approaches the malt shop.  Misfortune.
+
+Six in the third place means:
+	In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue
+	Service.  Great Dragons!  Are you in trouble!
+%
+7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
+	The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
+	Redwood Forest.
+%
+7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
+	The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
+	Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
+%
+99 blocks of crud on the disk,
+99 blocks of crud!
+You patch a bug, and dump it again:
+100 blocks of crud on the disk!
+
+100 blocks of crud on the disk,
+100 blocks of crud!
+You patch a bug, and dump it again:
+101 blocks of crud on the disk! ...
+%
+A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
+"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
+		-- Mahatma Ghandi
+%
+A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
+Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific
+game.  The player should estimate the distance the ball would have
+traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there,
+preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
+		-- Donald A. Metz
+%
+A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and
+placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or
+rolled into the rough.  Such veering right or left frequently results
+from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball
+and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the
+ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical
+phenomena.
+		-- Donald A. Metz
+%
+A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
+responsibility at the other.
+%
+A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
+		-- Carl Sandburg
+%
+A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out
+of a divorce.
+		-- Don Quinn
+%
+A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
+and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it
+adds up to be real money.
+		-- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen
+%
+A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
+%
+A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
+%
+A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
+%
+... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
+have turned into a pile of dust.
+%
+A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
+enlightened him with ours.
+%
+A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
+as afterward.
+%
+A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
+poor to protect them from each other.
+%
+A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
+%
+A child can go only so far in life without potty training.  It is not
+mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty
+trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+A child of five could understand this!  Fetch me a child of five.
+%
+A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
+Avoid him.  He's a Commie.
+%
+A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
+won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
+		-- Bill Vaughan
+%
+A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
+		-- Herbert Prochnow
+%
+A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
+wants to read.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+A closed mouth gathers no foot.
+%
+A computer, to print out a fact,
+Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
+	But this output can be
+	No more than debris,
+If the input was short of exact.
+		-- Gigo
+%
+A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
+%
+A CONS is an object which cares.
+		-- Bernie Greenberg.
+%
+A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
+is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
+%
+A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
+		-- Dyer
+%
+A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the
+damned things is ample.
+		-- Rebecca West
+%
+A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
+		-- Ben Franklin
+%
+A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
+And had an affair with a Saracen.
+	She was not oversexed,
+	Or jealous or vexed,
+She just wanted to make a comparison.
+%
+A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen
+lantern.
+		-- Edgar A. Shoaff
+%
+A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
+%
+A day without sunshine is like night.
+%
+A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur
+coat.
+%
+A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
+you will look forward to the trip.
+%
+	A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was
+eating his morning meal.  "I would like to give you this personality
+test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
+	Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into
+the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
+%
+A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ...
+%
+	A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
+about whose profession was the oldest.  In the course of their
+arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
+the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
+Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
+incredible surgical feat."
+	The architect did not agree.  He said, "But if you look at the
+Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
+that, the Garden and the world were created.  So God must have been an
+architect."
+	The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
+"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
+%
+A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+A dozen, a gross, and a score,
+Plus three times the square root of four,
+	Divided by seven,
+	Plus five times eleven,
+Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
+%
+A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a
+Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser.
+Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network
+with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?"  Very earnestly, the
+Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor."  The Hacker then quickly
+pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while
+simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick
+Interlisp Manual.  The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
+%
+A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the
+subject.
+		-- Winston Churchill
+%
+A fool must now and then be right by chance.
+%
+A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
+superstition, and art into pedantry.  Hence University education.
+		-- G. B. Shaw
+%
+A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
+of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an
+elephant.
+%
+A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
+		-- D. Gries
+%
+"A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch
+dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension."
+		-- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature"
+%
+A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
+		-- Adlai Stevenson
+%
+A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
+he could be elected Pope of Rome.  Both high posts are reserved for men
+favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
+facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.
+		-- H. L. Mencken
+%
+A general leading the State Department resembles  a dragon commanding
+ducks.
+		-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
+%
+A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
+A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
+But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *____that ___had __to ____mean _________something*.
+		-- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
+%
+A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort
+of).
+%
+A good question is never answered.  It is not a bolt to be tightened
+into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
+hope of greening the landscape of idea.
+		-- John Ciardi
+%
+A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
+rearranging their prejudices.
+		-- William James
+%
+A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest
+man a century.
+%
+A hypothetical paradox:
+	What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security
+team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of
+Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
+		-- Tom Galloway
+%
+A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
+C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
+E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
+G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
+I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
+K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
+M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui.
+O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
+Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
+S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits.
+U is for Una  who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
+W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
+Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
+		-- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines"
+%
+A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
+%
+A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide
+who has the better lawyer.
+		-- Robert Frost
+%
+A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
+%
+A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
+%
+A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
+%
+A lady with one of her ears applied
+To an open keyhole heard, inside,
+Two female gossips in converse free --
+The subject engaging them was she.
+"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
+That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
+As soon as no more of it she could hear
+The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
+"I will not stay," she said with a pout,
+"To hear my character lied about!"
+		-- Gopete Sherany
+%
+A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
+not worth knowing.
+%
+A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program
+in than some that do.
+		-- Dennis M. Ritchie
+%
+A large number of installed systems work by fiat.  That is, they work
+by being declared to work.
+		-- Anatol Holt
+%
+A Law of Computer Programming:
+	Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
+will find the programmers cannot write in English.
+%
+A limerick packs laughs anatomical
+Into space that is quite economical.
+	But the good ones I've seen
+	So seldom are clean,
+And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
+%
+A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of
+nothing.
+%
+A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
+		-- H. H. Munroe
+%
+A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
+%
+A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.  Buy the negatives at any
+price.
+%
+A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
+his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and
+exceptional ability in that particular field."
+%
+A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me.  I'm afraid of widths.
+		-- Steve Wright
+%
+A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.  I
+believe everything positively stinks.
+		-- Lew Col
+%
+	A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit.  The
+first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
+	"No problem," says the tailor.  "Just bend them at the elbow
+and hold them out in front of you.  See, now it's fine."
+	"But the collar is up around my ears!"
+	"It's nothing.  Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
+little more ... that's it."
+	"But I'm stepping on my cuffs!"  the man cries in desperation.
+	"Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack.  There you
+go.  Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
+	So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
+street.  Reba and Florence see him go by.
+	"Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
+	"Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
+		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"
+
+"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a
+sense of obligation."
+		-- Stephen Crane
+%
+A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
+%
+	A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his
+novices.  "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how
+insignificant," said the master.
+
+	"Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
+
+	"It is," came the reply.
+
+	"Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
+
+	"It is even in a video game," said the master.
+
+	"And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
+
+	The master coughed and shifted his position slightly.  "The
+lesson is over for today," he said.
+		-- "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
+%
+A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
+on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
+game.  Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
+pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
+along it at the water's edge.  Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
+heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
+around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
+direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.  Then, the
+paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
+colony and overfly it.  Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
+fall over gently onto their backs.
+		-- Audobon Society Magazine
+%
+	A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
+the death of composer Edward MacDowell.  She played the elegy for the
+pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion.  "Well, it's quite
+nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..."
+	"If what?"  asked the composer.
+	"If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
+%
+A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey.  "It is out
+on loan," the teacher replied.  At that moment, the donkey brayed
+loudly inside the stable.  "But I can hear it bray, over there."  "Whom
+do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
+%
+A new dramatist of the absurd
+Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
+	I learn from my spies
+	He's about to devise
+An unprintable three-letter word.
+%
+A new koan:
+
+	If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
+
+	If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
+
+It is an ice cream koan.
+%
+A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
+Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now
+has no excuse for further procrastination.
+%
+A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies
+insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
+right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
+%
+A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
+rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
+%
+	A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
+removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
+doing nothing.  Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
+amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner.  Certain hardware
+limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
+larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
+power-down sequence.
+	An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
+building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
+bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
+cool.
+%
+A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power
+off and on.  Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly:
+"You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no
+understanding of what is going wrong."  Knight turned the machine off
+and on.  The machine worked.
+%
+A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
+%
+A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
+		-- Gloria Steinem
+%
+A penny saved is ridiculous.
+%
+A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
+%
+A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
+		-- George Wald
+%
+A pig is a jolly companion,
+Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
+A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, 
+Though mountains may topple and tilt.
+When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
+When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
+Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
+You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
+You'll never go wrong with a pig!
+		-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
+%
+	 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
+			  by Mark Twain
+
+	For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
+to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
+be part of the alphabet.  The only kase in which "c" would be retained
+would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.  Year 2
+might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
+same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
+"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
+	Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
+with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
+or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
+Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
+ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
+ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
+	Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
+hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
+%
+"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"
+		-- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
+%
+A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
+
+And he answered:
+
+It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
+
+It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
+
+It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City
+upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
+to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
+
+And that is Fate?  said the priest.
+
+Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
+
+That's all right, said the priest.  I wanted to know what Freight was
+too.
+		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
+%
+	A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came
+upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
+"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow
+man".
+	As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
+he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
+%
+A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
+%
+"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis
+of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite
+series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric
+precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
+inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
+accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
+for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
+defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
+information in the first place."
+		-- IEEE Grid news magazine
+%
+A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
+your wife will give you for free.
+%
+A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
+too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
+was intended for her preservation.
+		-- Colton
+%
+A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
+"you could blow it in" may be blown in.  This rule does not apply if
+the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
+to make a travesty of the game.
+		-- Donald A. Metz
+%
+"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today.  The results blacked
+out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon."
+		-- Steel City News
+%
+"A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives."
+%
+A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20:
+
+Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying,
+"Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny
+bits, in thy mercy."  And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the
+lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and
+breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the
+Holy Pin.  Then thou must count to three.  Three shall be the number of
+the counting and the number of the counting shall be three.  Four shalt
+thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then
+proceedeth to three.  Five is right out.  Once the number three, being
+the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand
+Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight,
+shall snuff it."
+		-- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
+%
+A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
+that the system works.
+%
+A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and
+the real reason.
+%
+A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
+objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
+scientists.  Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added
+concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three
+dimensional objects ...
+%
+A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
+not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
+rosewater.
+%
+A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man
+contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
+		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
+%
+A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will
+keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those
+that are worth committing.
+		-- Samuel Butler
+%
+		A Severe Strain on the Credulity
+
+As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest
+parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
+is a practicable and therefore promising device.  It is when one
+considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one
+begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really
+starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor
+maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left.
+Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing
+of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to
+re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum
+against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the
+knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
+		-- New York Times Editorial, 1920
+%
+A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
+		-- Prof. Steiner
+%
+... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
+was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
+		-- O'Henry
+%
+A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
+bad measures.
+		-- Daniel Webster
+%
+A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an
+exam.
+%
+A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to
+Greenblatt.  As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by.  "Is it
+true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as
+Lisp?"  Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt
+shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick.
+%
+A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
+undreamed of by its author.
+		-- S. C. Johnson
+%
+A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
+%
+A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
+and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
+blowing first.
+%
+A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
+triangle.
+%
+A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
+%
+A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
+in students.
+		-- John Ciardi
+%
+"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly."
+	-- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
+%
+A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
+Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
+	She found a good way
+	To combine work and play:
+She sells C shells by the seashore.
+%
+A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
+replaces it with.
+		-- Tennessee Williams
+%
+A very intelligent turtle
+Found programming UNIX a hurdle
+	The system, you see,
+	Ran as slow as did he,
+And that's not saying much for the turtle.
+%
+A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
+getting nervous.
+%
+A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
+people's attention.
+%
+"A witty saying proves nothing."
+		-- Voltaire
+%
+"A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to
+admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients.  Still, the fact
+remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one
+reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell.  It
+is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of
+using indirect spells.  It also does no harm, in dealing with these
+matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times."
+		-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
+%
+A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
+in God.
+%
+A.A.A.A.A.:
+	An organization for drunks who drive
+%
+AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
+You brute!  Knock before entering a ladies room!
+%
+Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
+%
+"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the
+ends."
+		-- Herbert Hoover
+%
+Absence makes the heart go wander.
+%
+Absent, adj.:
+	Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
+slandered.
+%
+Absentee, n.:
+	A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
+himself from the sphere of exaction.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Abstainer, n.:
+	A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
+pleasure.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Absurdity, n.:
+	A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
+opinion.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
+because the stakes are so low.
+		-- Wallace Sayre
+%
+Accident, n.:
+	A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
+body is better.
+%
+Accidents cause History.
+
+If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
+Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
+have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
+could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
+the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest:  "No person
+shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
+fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
+of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
+the returns."
+%
+According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least
+once a year.
+%
+According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
+		-- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
+%
+According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
+totally worthless.
+%
+According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never
+dies.
+%
+"According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to
+live in America is the city of Pittsburgh.  The city of New York came
+in twenty-fifth.  Here in New York we really don't care too much.
+Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime."
+		-- David Letterman
+%
+Accordion, n.:
+	A bagpipe with pleats.
+%
+Accuracy, n.:
+	The vice of being right
+%
+			ACHTUNG!!!
+
+Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben.  Ist easy
+schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
+spitzensparken.  Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen.  Das
+rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets.  Relaxen und
+vatch das blinkenlights!!!
+%
+Acid -- better living through chemistry.
+%
+Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
+%
+Acquaintance, n.:
+	A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well
+enough to lend to.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from
+coughing."
+%
+Actor:	"I'm a smash hit.  Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
+	everyone glued in their seats!"
+Oliver Herford:	"Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Clever of you to think of
+	it!"
+%
+Actor:	So what do you do for a living?
+Doris:	I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
+	dishes for Chinese restaurants.
+		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
+%
+ADA, n.:
+	Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
+Computing.  Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA
+awareness."
+%
+Admiration, n.:
+	Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Adolescence, n.:
+	The stage between puberty and adultery.
+%
+"Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look
+like you ..."
+		-- Gilda Radner
+%
+Adore, v.:
+	To venerate expectantly.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Adult, n.:
+	One old enough to know better.
+%
+Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
+way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
+		-- Sinclair Lewis
+%
+Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
+then at least be asceptic.
+%
+After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose
+names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary
+Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc.  These pioneers conducted
+many important electrical experiments.  For example, in 1780 Luigi
+Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two
+different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current
+developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer
+attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.  Galvani's discovery led
+to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine.  Today,
+skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously
+injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it
+hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
+that it sinks like a stone.
+		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
+%
+After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
+It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
+more advanced than the lichen family.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
+		   Do"
+%
+After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
+%
+"... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known
+quotations."
+		-- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
+%
+After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party?  Surely not
+for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have
+simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
+		-- P. J. O'Rourke
+%
+After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
+on the bench.
+%
+	After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
+Heaven.  As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
+and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
+to be created."
+	"This is true," He replied.
+	"He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
+	"What!  You, his appointed Enemy for all Time!  You ask for the
+right to make his laws?"
+	"Oh, no!"  Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
+make his own."
+	It was so granted.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
+the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
+cost to others, to win advancement."
+		-- Norman Thomas
+%
+After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
+%
+After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe
+everything.  Just in case.
+%
+After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
+cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
+removed.
+%
+Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a
+change.
+%
+Afternoon, n.:
+	That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
+morning.
+%
+Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+Age, n.:
+	That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we
+still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise
+to commit.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
+%
+Ah, but the choice of dreams to live, 
+there's the rub.
+
+For all dreams are not equal,
+some exit to nightmare
+most end with the dreamer
+
+But at least one must be lived ... and died.
+%
+"Ah, you know the type.  They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
+Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
+that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
+unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
+up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."
+		-- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
+%
+Air is water with holes in it
+%
+Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
+		-- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed
+%
+Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
+telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.  You pull his tail in New
+York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.  Do you understand this?
+And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
+receive them there.  The only difference is that there is no cat."
+%
+Alden's Laws:
+	(1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
+	    of pregnancy.
+	(2) Always be backlit.
+	(3) Sit down whenever possible.
+%
+Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
+Aleph-null bottles of beer,
+	You take one down, and pass it around,
+Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
+%
+Alex Haley was adopted!
+%
+Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
+for a dial tone.
+%
+Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
+them keeps paying for it.
+		-- Peggy Joyce
+%
+All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
+upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
+visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
+informing, stimulating and ennobling.
+		-- H. L. Mencken
+%
+All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
+than others.
+		-- Alan Truscott
+%
+All extremists should be taken out and shot.
+%
+All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
+without thinking.
+%
+"All flesh is grass"
+		-- Isiah
+Smoke a friend today.
+%
+All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
+%
+All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
+importance.
+%
+All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
+by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...
+%
+All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power
+		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
+%
+All men are mortal.  Socrates was mortal.  Therefore, all men are
+Socrates.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+"All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that keeps us
+sane."
+%
+"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more
+specific."
+		-- Jane Wagner
+%
+All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
+		-- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
+%
+All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
+the United States.
+		-- Vic Gold
+%
+All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
+%
+All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
+%
+All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of
+every organism to live beyond its income.
+		-- Samuel Butler
+%
+All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
+		-- E. Rutherford
+%
+"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right
+hands."
+		-- Saint Patrick
+%
+All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
+%
+All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
+too, provided you use them for business purposes.  For example, if you
+subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
+can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
+Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
+decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper?  Outside?  What
+if it rains?"
+		-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
+%
+"... all the modern inconveniences ..."
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
+ridiculous ones.
+		-- La Rochefoucauld
+%
+All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
+the government in less than a second.
+		-- Jim Fiebig
+%
+All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
+		-- Sean O'Casey
+%
+All the world's a VAX,
+And all the coders merely butchers;
+They have their exits and their entrails;
+And one int in his time plays many widths,
+His sizeof being _N bytes.  At first the infant,
+Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
+And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
+And shining morning face, creeping like slug
+Unwillingly to school.
+		-- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
+%
+All theoretical chemistry is really physics;
+and all theoretical chemists know it.
+		-- Richard P. Feynman
+%
+All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door.
+%
+All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for
+fun.  Money's just the way we keep score.
+%
+All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
+%
+All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
+infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
+which he was born.
+		-- Francois Fenelon
+%
+Alliance, n.:
+	In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
+their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
+separately plunder a third.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Alone, adj.:
+	In bad company.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
+Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
+%
+Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
+mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
+any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
+to plug them in.  Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
+Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
+serious electrical shock.  This proved that lighting was powered by the
+same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
+that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
+penny saved is a penny earned."  Eventually he had to be given a job
+running the post office.
+		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
+%
+Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
+reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the
+day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable
+interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on
+pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin,
+and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper.
+Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous
+material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the
+management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion
+the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical
+Gamekeeping."
+		-- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959)
+%
+Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
+back.
+%
+Always remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else.
+%
+"Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
+that way."
+%
+Am I ranting?  I hope so.  My ranting gets raves.
+%
+		AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
+
+If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
+across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
+%
+		AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
+
+There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
+would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
+%
+Ambidextrous, adj.:
+	Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
+		-- Charlie McCarthy
+%
+America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
+to decadence without touching civilization.
+		-- John O'Hara
+%
+America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him,
+until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and
+changed its name to "America".
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective
+employees be honest and hardworking.  It has even stopped hoping for
+employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference
+between the men's room and the women's room without having little
+pictures on the doors.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
+%
+"Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it."
+%
+An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
+people refuse to see it.
+		-- James Michener, "Space"
+%
+An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but
+is always polite to traffic cops.
+%
+"An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to
+New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but
+not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax."
+		-- David Letterman
+%
+An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
+%
+	An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean.  He
+knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with
+great restraint.
+	As he designs the first work, frill after frill and
+embellishment after embellishment occur to him.  These get stored away
+to be used "next time".  Sooner or later the first system is finished,
+and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of
+that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.
+	This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.
+When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will
+confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems,
+and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that
+are particular and not generalizable.
+	The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using
+all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first
+one.  The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
+		-- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
+%
+An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
+%
+An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
+murder.  "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's
+mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
+Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
+suitcase.  Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
+murderer.  A sloppy packer, maybe..."
+%
+An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
+really care to know.
+%
+An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
+%
+An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
+%
+An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded
+summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your
+arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!"  Sir Geoffrey
+responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
+%
+An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
+		-- A. P. Herbert
+%
+An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch.  He
+wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is
+advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and
+Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine.  The advertisements are written in
+incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
+excellence:
+
+"The Rolex Hyperion.  An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
+discriminating handcraftsmanship.  For the individual who is truly able
+to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
+things by hand.  Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold.  No watch
+parts or anything.  Just a great big chunk on your wrist.  Truly a
+timeless statement.  For the individual who is very secure.  Who
+doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
+Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
+school.  Because of his acne.  People who are probably nowhere near as
+successful as he is now.  Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
+they'll see his Rolex Hyperion.  Hahahahahahahahaha."
+		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
+%
+An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
+%
+"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
+picturesque liar."
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God.  Some of these
+eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as
+possible.
+		-- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
+%
+An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
+%
+	An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
+in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
+	"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this.  Einstein says that if
+you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
+an hour.  But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
+hour seems like a minute."
+	The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
+moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
+		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge."
+%
+Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
+government at all.
+%
+And as we stand on the edge of darkness
+Let our chant fill the void
+That others may know
+
+	In the land of the night
+	The ship of the sun
+	Is drawn by
+	The grateful dead.
+
+		-- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
+%
+... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
+%
+And I heard Jeff exclaim,
+As they strolled out of sight,
+"Merry Christmas to all --
+You take credit cards, right?"
+		-- "Outsiders" comic
+%
+... And malt does more than Milton can
+To justify God's ways to man
+		-- A. E. Housman
+%
+And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
+%
+"... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
+your own."
+        	-- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
+		   Preposterous Words
+%
+And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and
+fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it
+looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own.  One
+approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin
+is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then
+of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides
+gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode.  So this
+procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom
+youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and
+Orson Welles.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
+%
+"...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a
+courtesy detail."
+%
+And this is a table ma'am.  What in essence it consists of is a
+horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical
+columnar supports, which we call legs.  The tables in this laboratory,
+ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the
+world.
+		-- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
+%
+	"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
+asked the father of his little son.
+	"Diet."
+%
+And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have
+a sense of humor, as does history.  Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks
+tragedy, and this too is historic.  And yet, still, when corn meets
+tragedy face to face, we have politics.
+		-- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and
+		   Ground Cover"
+%
+Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.
+Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes.
+		-- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"
+%
+Angels we have heard on High
+Tell us to go out and Buy.
+		-- Tom Lehrer
+%
+Ankh if you love Isis.
+%
+Anoint, v.:
+	To grease a king or other great functionary already
+sufficiently slippery.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+		Another Glitch in the Call
+		------- ------ -- --- ----
+	(Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.)
+
+We don't need no indirection
+We don't need no flow control
+No data typing or declarations
+Did you leave the lists alone?
+
+	Hey!  Hacker!  Leave those lists alone!
+
+Chorus:
+	All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
+	All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
+%
+Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
+%
+Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
+television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom
+and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that
+offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
+		   Do"
+%
+		Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
+
+(1) None.  (Moses didn't have an ark).
+(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
+(3) I don't know.
+(4) Who cares?
+(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3).  Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
+    Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
+(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
+    book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
+    bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
+    Papyrus Books).
+%
+Anthony's Law of Force:
+	Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
+%
+Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
+	Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
+	corner of the workshop.
+
+Corollary:
+	On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
+	your toes.
+%
+Antonym, n.:
+	The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
+%
+Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.
+		-- Charles McCabe
+%
+Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
+		-- Charles McCabe
+%
+Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a
+representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a
+representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone
+capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
+		-- Richard Schickel
+%
+Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
+		-- Aesop
+%
+Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that
+this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a
+whole week.
+%
+Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to
+sell it.
+%
+Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche
+-- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea.  For instance,
+my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off
+the fence."  I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was
+undoubtedly true.
+		-- Solomon Short
+%
+Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
+		-- Sydney J. Harris
+%
+Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger
+object.
+%
+Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to
+exactly the point of most pressure.
+		-- Milt Barber
+%
+Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
+		-- Rich Kulawiec
+%
+Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged
+demo.
+%
+Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
+		-- Arthur C. Clarke
+%
+Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
+something.
+%
+Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
+		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
+%
+Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
+%
+Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
+probably parked.
+%
+Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
+%
+Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
+supposed to be doing at the moment.
+		-- Robert Benchley
+%
+Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
+		-- Publius Syrus
+%
+Anyone can make an omelet with eggs.  The trick is to make one with
+none.
+%
+Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.  At best he
+is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
+make messes in the house.
+		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
+%
+Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
+		-- Samuel Goldwyn
+%
+Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
+		-- W. C. Fields
+%
+Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
+account be allowed to do the job.
+		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
+tried taking candy from a baby.
+		-- Robin Hood
+%
+Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
+%
+Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
+%
+Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
+%
+Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.  The label means the
+price went up.  The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
+means the price went way up.
+%
+Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
+%
+Anything worth doing is worth overdoing
+%
+"Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution"
+%
+Aphorism, n.:
+	A concise, clever statement.
+Afterism, n.:
+	A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
+		-- James Alexander Thom
+%
+APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection.  It is the language of
+the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of
+coding bums.
+%
+"APL is a write-only language.  I can write programs in APL, but I
+can't read any of them."
+		-- Roy Keir
+%
+Aquadextrous, adj.:
+	Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off
+with your toes.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
+	You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
+	You lie a great deal.  On the other hand, you are inclined to
+	be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same
+	mistakes over and over again.  People think you are stupid.
+%
+Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
+	Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
+general can be said."
+%
+ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --
+    FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
+%
+Are you a turtle?
+%
+Are you a turtle?
+%
+"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
+		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
+%
+ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
+	You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt.  You
+	are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.  You are
+	not very nice.
+%
+Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
+shoes.
+		-- Mickey Mouse
+%
+Armadillo:
+	To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle
+%
+Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
+	(1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
+	(2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
+	(3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
+	    first two laws.
+%
+Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
+measure progress.  Some cathedrals took a century to complete.  Can you
+imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
+		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+Art is anything you can get away with.
+		-- Marshall McLuhan.
+%
+Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
+		-- Paul Gauguin
+%
+Arthur's Laws of Love:
+	(1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
+	    remind them of someone else.
+	(2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be
+	    delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of
+	    yourself in person.
+%
+Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
+%
+As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
+interested in the basic nature of humor.  "What kind of a sick
+perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask,
+"that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ...
+		-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
+%
+"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual
+certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I
+became a scientist.  This is like becoming an archbishop so you can
+meet girls."
+		-- Matt Cartmill
+%
+As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
+certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
+		-- Albert Einstein
+%
+As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
+		-- Weisert
+%
+As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
+	Feeling worse and worser,
+There I met a C.R.T.
+	And it drop't me a cursor.
+
+C.R.T., C.R.T.,
+	Phosphors light on you!
+If I had fifty hours a day
+	I'd spend them all at you.
+
+		-- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
+%
+As I was passing Project MAC,
+I met a Quux with seven hacks.
+Every hack had seven bugs;
+Every bug had seven manifestations;
+Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
+Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
+How many losses at Project MAC?
+%
+As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
+industries are secure.  We hear about constitutional rights, free
+speech and the free press.  Every time I hear these words I say to
+myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist".  You never hear a
+real American talk like that.
+		-- Frank Hague (1896-1956)
+%
+As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
+%
+As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its
+fascination.  When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be
+popular.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
+%
+"As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500
+programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging."
+		-- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new
+		   computer system.
+%
+As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it
+wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought.  Debugging had
+to be discovered.  I can remember the exact instant when I realized
+that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in
+finding mistakes in my own programs.
+		-- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949
+%
+As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's
+so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
+is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
+		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
+%
+As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free
+variable."
+%
+As with most fine things, chocolate has its season.  There is a simple
+memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time
+to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A,
+E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
+		-- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
+%
+As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would
+interfere with flight.  [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the
+Wright Brothers.  They were watching birds one day, trying to figure
+out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on
+Wilbur.  "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual
+organs!"  You should have seen their original design.]  As a result,
+birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually.  You almost never
+see an aroused bird.  So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and
+stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations
+with their feet.  When they find a conversation in which people are
+talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both
+highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
+		   Teen Should Know"
+%
+As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears.  Unable to pull
+your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you.
+The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along
+with your complexion.  You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall
+from the limbs of the tree.  Snap!  Your head falls off and rolls all
+over the ground.  The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of
+a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head.  Worse yet, the
+spider is suing you for damages.
+%
+As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
+%
+ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
+%
+Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
+one went to Harvard).
+		-- Edgar R. Fiedler
+%
+Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
+%
+Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
+Station-to-Station rate.
+%
+Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the
+bathtub, it tolls for thee.
+%
+Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
+for an answer.
+%
+"Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
+woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it,
+she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'"
+		-- David Letterman
+%
+Ass, n.:
+	The masculine of "lass".
+%
+Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve.
+Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be
+strengthened.  Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum.
+Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check
+and dying broke.
+		-- Stanley Walker
+%
+"At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los
+Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
+under the exhaust of a bus until he revived."
+%
+At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
+not.  But obviously it cannot be where it is not.  And if it is where
+it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
+		-- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
+%
+At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
+challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
+		-- The Washington Post Magazine, 9 June, 1985
+%
+At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
+challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
+		-- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985
+%
+... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
+		-- J. B. White
+%
+"At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents"
+%
+At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
+thumb with a hammer.
+		-- Marshall Lumsden
+%
+At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
+find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
+the computer.
+%
+Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
+or street lamp.
+%
+Atlee is a very modest man.  And with reason.
+		-- Winston Churchill
+%
+Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever
+depths they were once able to plumb.
+		-- Stanley Kaufman
+%
+Automobile, n.:
+	A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
+pedestrians.
+%
+Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
+		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
+%
+Avoid reality at all costs.
+%
+"Avoid revolution or expect to get shot.  Mother and I will grieve, but
+we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you."
+		-- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
+%
+Bacchus, n.:
+	A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
+getting drunk.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Bagbiter:
+	1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually
+intermittently.  2. adj.:  Failing hardware or software.  "This
+bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar."  Usage:  verges on
+obscenity.  Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the
+bag".  Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS,
+CHOMPER, CHOMPING.
+%
+Bagdikian's Observation:
+	Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American
+newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a
+ukelele.
+%
+Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
+	A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides
+by governors.
+%
+Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
+%
+Banectomy, n.:
+	The removal of bruises on a banana.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.
+%
+Barach's Rule:
+	An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
+physician.
+%
+Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the
+floor -- especially in the dark.
+%
+Barometer, n.:
+	An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we
+are having.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Barth's Distinction:
+	There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
+types, and those who don't.
+%
+Baruch's Observation:
+	If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
+%
+Baseball is a skilled game.  It's America's game -- it, and high
+taxes.
+		-- Will Rogers
+%
+Basic is a high level languish.
+APL is a high level anguish.
+%
+"BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'."
+%
+Basic, n.:
+	A programming language.  Related to certain social diseases in
+that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
+%
+Bathquake, n.:
+	The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
+faucet is turned on to a certain point.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your
+door.
+%
+BE ALERT!!!!  (The world needs more lerts ...)
+%
+Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
+get your Feet wet.  Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
+face.
+		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
+%
+Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
+%
+Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Be different: conform.
+%
+Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so
+get used to it.
+%
+Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.
+%
+Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
+miss
+		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
+%
+Bees are very busy souls
+They have no time for birth controls
+And that is why in times like these
+There are so many Sons of Bees.
+%
+	Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
+took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his
+followers.
+	One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
+there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
+	"Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
+commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile?  What is your
+Purpose in Life, anyway?"
+	Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU".  (The
+Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
+	Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
+	Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
+		-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
+%
+Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's
+ego.
+%
+Begathon, n.:
+	A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
+you won't have to watch commercials.
+%
+Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh
+away.
+%
+Beifeld's Principle:
+	The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
+receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is
+already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better
+looking and richer male friend.
+%
+"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!"  <huff, huff>
+%
+"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
+%
+Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
+%
+Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
+	(1) Houses are for people to live in.
+	(2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
+	(3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
+%
+"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"
+		-- Time Bandits
+%
+Besides the device, the box should contain:
+
+* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
+
+* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
+  club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
+
+YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
+cable.
+
+IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
+spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
+that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
+without a major transmission overhaul?  Because nobody cares, that's
+why."
+
+WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
+%
+Best of all is never to have been born.  Second best is to die soon.
+%
+better !pout !cry
+better watchout
+lpr why
+santa claus <north pole >town
+
+cat /etc/passwd >list
+ncheck list 
+ncheck list
+cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
+cat list | grep nice >giftlist
+santa claus <north pole > town
+
+who | grep sleeping
+who | grep awake
+who | egrep 'bad|good'
+for (goodness sake) {
+	be good
+}
+%
+Better dead than mellow.
+%
+Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson
+Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate.
+Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and
+great effort pushing boulders into a single word.
+
+It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
+Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
+equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
+destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass
+both Parliament and Party.
+
+It stands today, a monument to human spirit.  If life exists on other
+planets, this may be the first message received from us.
+		-- The Realist, November, 1964.
+%
+"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
+tried it."
+		-- Donald Knuth
+%
+Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
+%
+Beware of low-flying butterflies.
+%
+Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
+		-- Leonard Brandwein
+%
+Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
+drip under pressure.
+%
+"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and
+finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us.  "He is full of
+murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by
+their ignorance the hard way."
+		-- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
+%
+Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but
+nothing of interest is easy.
+%
+Binary, adj.:
+	Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
+%
+"Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same
+thing as division."
+%
+Bipolar, adj.:
+	Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,
+New York
+%
+Birth, n.:
+	The first and direst of all disasters.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic
+%
+Bizoos, n.:
+	The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a
+basketball.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
+%
+Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
+%
+Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as
+Wheels.
+%
+BLISS is ignorance
+%
+Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
+%
+Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
+%
+Blore's Razor:
+	Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is
+funnier.
+%
+Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in
+plain sight.  It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again.  The legend has
+it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.  In fact, he was
+arrested for drunk driving.  The snakes left because people kept
+throwing up on them.
+%
+Boling's postulate:
+	If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.
+%
+Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
+	Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
+vividly manifests their lack of progress.
+%
+Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
+	Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
+%
+BOO!  We changed Coke again!  BLEAH!  BLEAH! 
+%
+Boob's Law:
+	You always find something in the last place you look.
+%
+Bore, n.:
+	A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
+		-- Walter Winchell
+%
+Bore, n.:
+	A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Boren's Laws:
+	(1) When in charge, ponder.
+	(2) When in trouble, delegate.
+	(3) When in doubt, mumble.
+%
+Boss, n.:
+	According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages
+the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
+in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
+ornamental stud."
+%
+Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System.  You couldn't pry
+that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation
+straightened out for a crowbar.
+		-- O. W. Holmes
+%
+Boston, n.:
+	Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
+finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
+%
+"Boy, life takes a long time to live
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+Boy, n.:
+	A noise with dirt on it.
+%
+Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
+when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
+		-- James Thurber
+%
+Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
+		-- Kin Hubbard
+%
+Brace yourselves.  We're about to try something that borders on the
+unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only
+(gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides.  I tend
+to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.'
+		-- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking
+		   Style"
+%
+Bradley's Bromide:
+	If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
+committee -- that will do them in.
+%
+Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
+	When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
+easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have
+handled this?"
+%
+Brain fried -- Core dumped
+%
+Brain, n.:
+	The apparatus with which we think that we think.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]:
+	To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of
+error in an opponent.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
+since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Bride, n.:
+	A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
+revitalize the corner saloon.
+%
+British Israelites:
+	The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of
+Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by
+Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further
+believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the
+Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in
+the hand of the Arabs.  They also believe that if you sleep with your
+head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Broad-mindedness, n.:
+	The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
+%
+Brontosaurus Principle:
+	Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
+in relation to their environment and to their own physiology:  when
+this occurs, they are an endangered species.
+		-- Thomas K. Connellan
+%
+Brook's Law:
+	Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
+%
+Brooke's Law:
+	Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
+discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it
+beyond recognition.
+%
+Bubble Memory, n.:
+	A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
+intelligence.  See also "vacuum tube".
+%
+Bucy's Law:
+	Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
+%
+Bug, n.:
+	An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
+programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
+wrote the program.
+
+Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
+		-- Ray Simard
+%
+Bugs, pl. n.:
+	Small living things that small living boys throw on small
+living girls.
+%
+BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal.  He's the brains of the
+	    outfit."
+GENERAL:    "What does that make YOU?"
+BULLWINKLE: "What else?  An executive..."
+		-- Jay Ward
+%
+Bumper sticker:
+
+"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
+manufacture"
+%
+Bureaucrat, n.:
+	A person who cuts red tape sideways.
+		-- J. McCabe
+%
+Bureaucrat, n.:
+	A politician who has tenure.
+%
+Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise.
+%
+Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
+	(1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a
+	    sawhorse.
+	(2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
+	(3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again
+	    perfectly balanced.
+	(4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
+		-- Robert Burns
+%
+... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
+easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
+and were a scourge to mankind.  The evidence (including confession)
+upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
+without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable.  The judges' decisions based
+on it were sound in logic and in law.  Nothing in any existing court
+was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
+sorcery for which so many suffered death.  If there were no witches,
+human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations
+paws."
+%
+"But I don't like Spam!!!!"
+%
+... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand.  Human
+intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
+we can tell.  If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
+that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
+of their world, not in their distorted perceptions.  Even the standard
+example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
+makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
+whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
+finite or an infinite number.
+		-- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
+%
+But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
+system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
+analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
+		-- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing
+		   Compilers"
+%
+"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
+to the nearest gas station."
+%
+But scientists, who ought to know
+Assure us that it must be so.
+Oh, let us never, never doubt
+What nobody is sure about.
+		-- Hilaire Belloc
+%
+But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
+Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
+But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
+		-- Mark "The Bard" Twain
+%
+But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
+was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
+education and lived in New Jersey.  Edison's first major invention in
+1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
+American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
+invented.  But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
+invented the electric company.  Edison's design was a brilliant
+adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
+electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
+electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
+part) sends it right back to the customer again.
+
+This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
+of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
+very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
+In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
+States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
+ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
+increases.
+		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
+%
+"But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
+place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
+Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge?  What is a
+kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs,
+poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?  Have I
+explained yet about the bytes?"
+%
+... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
+		-- Virginia Masters
+%
+"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
+computers?"
+%
+Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
+Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
+Less dear than army ants in apple pies
+Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
+Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
+Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
+They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
+Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
+Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
+And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
+Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
+Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
+Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
+Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
+%
+By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task
+completely overwhelm you.
+%
+"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.  In fact,
+it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to
+invent. (R. Emerson)"
+		-- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
+		   (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
+		   [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
+		   misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"]
+%
+"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
+to suspect 'Hungry' ..."
+		-- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
+%
+By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I
+mean.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
+point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
+fast.  People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
+often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
+from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
+that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there.  They often
+wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
+they wanted to be.
+		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+C, n.:
+	A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more
+like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or
+anything else.  It is either the best language available to the art
+today, or it isn't.
+		-- Ray Simard
+%
+Cabbage, n.:
+	A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
+a man's head.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception."
+		-- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
+%
+Cahn's Axiom:
+	When all else fails, read the instructions.
+%
+California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
+		-- Fred Allen
+%
+California, n.:
+	From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or
+Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or
+"fornication."  Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
+		-- Ed Moran
+%
+Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
+		-- Indian proverb
+%
+"Calling J-Man Kink.  Calling J-Man Kink.  Hash missile sighted, target
+Los Angeles.  Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."
+%
+"Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle."
+		-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
+%
+"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
+Corner, Vermont."
+		-- Clarence Darrow
+%
+Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two
+points.
+		-- M. M. Johnston
+%
+Canada Bill Jone's Motto:
+	It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
+
+Supplement:
+	A .44 magnum beats four aces.
+%
+Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.  It's 2 cents
+for postage and 30 cents for storage.
+		-- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial
+		   Post
+%
+Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
+Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
+A root or two, a torus and a node:
+The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
+		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
+	You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
+problems.  They think you are a sucker.  You are always putting things
+off.  That's why you'll never make anything of yourself.  Most welfare
+recipients are Cancer people.
+%
+Canonical, adj.:
+	The usual or standard state or manner of something.  A true
+story:  One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some
+annoyance at the use of jargon.  Over his loud objections, we made a
+point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and
+eventually it began to sink in.  Finally, in one conversation, he used
+the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking.
+	Steele: "Aha!  We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
+	Stallman: "What did he say?"
+	Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
+%
+CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
+	You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You don't do
+much of anything and are lazy.  There has never been a Capricorn of any
+importance.  Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
+they take root and become trees.
+%
+Captain Penny's Law:
+	You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
+the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
+%
+Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than
+expected.  Carefully planned projects take four times longer to
+complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their
+planning to reduce the time it takes.
+%
+Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
+trousers that don't match.
+%
+Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
+	The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
+dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
+putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Cat, n.:
+	Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
+%
+Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
+%
+CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
+%
+Cecil, you're my final hope
+Of finding out the true Straight Dope
+For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat
+But none of my cats are at all like that.
+This unusual animal (so it is said)
+Is simultaneously alive and dead!
+What I don't understand is just why he
+Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.
+My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
+In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't.
+If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way
+And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
+But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
+Then I will *___and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo.
+		-- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium
+		   of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams
+%
+Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
+%
+Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the
+center of the universe.  The premise is wrong, but the navigation
+works.  An incorrect model can be a useful tool.
+		-- Kelvin Throop III
+%
+Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
+how many?
+%
+Cerebus:	I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
+Jaka:		Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something
+Cerebus:	If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy
+		out of it?
+Jaka:		Ugh!
+Cerebus:	You don't like apricot brandy?
+		-- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
+%
+Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
+walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh.  They
+then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
+health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
+not because of their habits, but in spite of them.  The reason we find
+only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
+others who have tried it.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny--
+	Did you ever try buying them without money?
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+			Chapter 1
+
+The story so far:
+
+	In the beginning the Universe was created.  This has made a lot
+of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
+%
+Character Density, n.:
+	The number of very weird people in the office.
+%
+Checkuary, n.:
+	The thirteenth month of the year.  Begins New Year's Day and
+ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his
+checks.
+%
+Chef, n.:
+	Any cook who swears in French.
+%
+Chemicals, n.:
+	Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
+%
+Chemistry is applied theology.
+		-- Augustus Stanley Owsley III
+%
+Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
+%
+Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
+	Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
+headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
+		-- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
+%
+Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
+	The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
+for overheated passengers.  When your timer pops up, the driver will
+cheerfully baste you.
+		-- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
+%
+Chicago, n.:
+	Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
+%
+Chicken Little only has to be right once.
+%
+Chicken Little was right.
+%
+Chicken Soup, n.:
+	An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
+cocaine, interferon, and TLC.  The only ailment chicken soup can't cure
+is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
+		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every
+effort to teach them good manners.
+%
+Children are unpredictable.  You never know what inconsistency they're
+going to catch you in next.
+		-- Franklin P. Jones
+%
+Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
+And that's what parents were created for.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for
+word what you shouldn't have said.
+%
+Chism's Law of Completion:
+	The amount of time required to complete a government project is
+precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
+%
+Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
+	When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
+%
+Chivalry, Schmivalry!
+	Roger the thief has a
+	method he uses for
+	sneaky attacks:
+Folks who are reading are
+	Characteristically
+	Always Forgetting to
+	Guard their own bac ...
+%
+Christ:
+	A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
+%
+Churchill's Commentary on Man:
+	Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
+time he will pick himself up and continue on.
+%
+Cigarette, n.:
+	A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
+between.
+%
+Cinemuck, n.:
+	The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
+covers the floors of movie theaters.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Clairvoyant, n.:
+	A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
+which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
+shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
+		-- Phyllis Diller
+%
+Cleanliness is next to impossible.
+%
+Cleveland still lives.  God ____must be dead.
+%
+"Cleveland?  Yes, I spent a week there one day."
+%
+Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
+%
+Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on
+society.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
+%
+Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
+%
+Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
+"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."
+		-- Blair Houghton
+%
+Coincidence, n.: 
+	You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
+going on.
+%
+Coincidences are spiritual puns.
+		-- G. K. Chesterton
+%
+Cold, adj.:
+	When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
+%
+Cold, adj.:
+	When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
+pockets.
+%
+Collaboration, n.:
+	A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
+other fellow can spell.
+%
+College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
+faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
+the trustees played.  There would be a great increase in broken arms,
+legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
+loss to humanity.
+		-- H. L. Mencken
+%
+Colvard's Logical Premises:
+	All probabilities are 50%.  Either a thing will happen or it
+	won't.
+
+Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
+	This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
+	attracted to.
+
+Grelb's Commentary
+	Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
+%
+Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
+And every vector dreams of matrices.
+Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
+It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
+		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
+Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
+Their indices bedecked from one to _n,
+Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
+		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+Command, n.:
+	Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
+such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
+%
+	COMMENT
+
+Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
+A medley of extemporanea;
+And love is thing that can never go wrong;
+And I am Marie of Roumania.
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+Commitment, n.:
+	Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
+The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
+%
+Committee Rules:
+	(1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
+	(2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
+	    stamps you as being wise.
+	(3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
+	    others.
+	(4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
+	(5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
+	    popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
+%
+Committee, n.:
+	A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
+decide that nothing can be done.
+		-- Fred Allen
+%
+Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
+be appointed to do the work.
+%
+Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
+different speeds.  A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
+		-- Clive James
+%
+Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
+		-- Josh Billings
+%
+Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
+		-- Albert Einstein
+%
+Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness
+of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."
+		-- David Guaspari
+%
+Computer programmers do it byte by byte
+%
+Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems
+theory.
+%
+Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
+%
+Computers are useless.  They can only give you answers.
+		-- Pablo Picasso
+%
+Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
+the world that just don't add up.
+%
+Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more
+than the estimate the job will cost.
+%
+Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
+		-- LaRouchefoucauld
+%
+Concept, n.:
+	Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
+$25,000.
+%
+... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this
+business, it probably would be gibberish.
+		-- Thom McLeod
+%
+Condense soup, not books!
+%
+Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is
+good for dandruff.
+		-- Peter de Vries
+%
+Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the
+situation.
+%
+Congratulations!  You have purchased an extremely fine device that
+would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
+you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
+maneuver.  Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
+OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY
+UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU?  YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
+IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
+WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
+SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
+RIGHT?  AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
+RIGHT???  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
+FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
+		-- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
+%
+Connector Conspiracy, n:
+	[probably came into prominence with the appearance of the
+KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
+manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
+to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
+stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
+interface devices.
+%
+Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
+		-- H. L. Mencken
+%
+Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking
+		-- H. L. Mencken
+%
+Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
+%
+Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
+wish you weren't.
+%
+"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."
+		-- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
+%
+Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
+give it back to them.
+%
+"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
+if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't.  That's logic!"
+		-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
+%
+"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
+technology.  Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat."
+%
+Conversation, n.:
+	A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
+is called the listener.
+%
+Conway's Law:
+	In any organization there will always be one person who knows
+	what is going on.
+
+	This person must be fired.
+%
+Coronation, n.:
+	The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
+visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
+bomb.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Corrupt, adj.:
+	In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
+%
+Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a
+muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can
+make of capitalism.
+		-- Walter Lippmann
+%
+Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner.  His job
+is to enforce the law and fight crime.
+		-- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
+%
+Court, n.:
+	A place where they dispense with justice.
+		-- Arthur Train
+%
+Coward, n.:
+	One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with
+nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
+		-- Wernher von Braun
+%
+Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
+		-- A. E. Newman
+%
+Critic, n.:
+	A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
+to please him.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Croll's Query:
+	If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
+%
+cursor address, n:
+	"Hello, cursor!"
+		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
+%
+"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity.  It
+eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
+business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
+		-- Johnny Hart
+%
+"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity.  It
+eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
+business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
+		-- Johnny Hart
+%
+Cynic, n.:
+	A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
+as they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking
+out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Cynic, n.:
+	One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced
+eye.
+%
+Dare to be naive.
+		-- R. Buckminster Fuller
+%
+Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
+%
+Dave Mack:	"Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."
+Allen Gwinn:	"Yours is."
+%
+Dawn, n.:
+	The time when men of reason go to bed.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
+%
+%DCL-MEM-BAD, bad memory
+VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears
+%
+Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve.  Success is also
+easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem.  Work hard to
+improve.
+%
+Dear Lord:
+	I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
+the other hand", again.
+%
+Dear Miss Manners:
+	My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
+elbows on the table.  However, I have read that one elbow, in between
+courses, is all right.  Which is correct?
+
+Gentle Reader:
+	For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
+economics class, your teacher is correct.  Catching on to this
+principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now
+than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners
+believes that is.
+%
+Dear Miss Manners:
+	Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
+your face.
+
+Gentle Reader:
+	Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
+your face ...
+%
+Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part
+of this complete breakfast".  The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old
+will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a
+commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as
+"Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a
+table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always
+says: "Part of this complete breakfast".  Don't that really mean,
+"Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this
+complete breakfast"?  And couldn't they make essentially the same claim
+if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a
+dead bat?
+
+Answer: Yes.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
+%
+Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
+
+Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business
+signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a
+word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR
+ANY ITEM'S.  Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when
+creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put
+quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT
+DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
+%
+Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
+%
+Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
+		-- R. Geis
+%
+Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
+%
+"Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'".
+%
+Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
+%
+Death is only a state of mind.
+
+Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
+%
+Death to all fanatics!
+%
+Decision maker, n.:
+	The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
+before the music stopped.
+%
+Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really
+overwhelming majority of the crowd present.  Abusive and obscene
+language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the
+judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when
+addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang).
+		-- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing
+		   Assoc.
+%
+	Deck Us All With Boston Charlie
+
+Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
+Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
+Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
+Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
+
+Don't we know archaic barrel,
+Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
+Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
+Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
+		-- Walt Kelly
+%
+"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
+marvelous things.  It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a
+theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah,
+those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly
+blessed.
+		-- Randy Davis
+%
+default, n.:
+	[Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,
+mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity.  "Nothing will
+come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.
+		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
+%
+#define BITCOUNT(x)	(((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
+#define  BX_(x)		((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777)			\
+			     - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333)			\
+			     - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
+
+		-- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
+%
+			DELETE A FORTUNE!
+
+Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?!  Wouldn't you like
+to see some of them deleted from the system?  You can!  Just mail to
+"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
+gets expunged.
+%
+Deliberation, n.:
+	The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
+buttered on.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+"Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow."
+%
+Demand the establishment of the government
+in its rightful home at Disneyland.
+%
+Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
+we deserve.
+		-- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
+aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
+		-- Senator Soaper
+%
+Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
+incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
+		-- G. B. Shaw
+%
+Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
+don't think.
+%
+Democracy is also a form of worship.  It is the worship of Jackals by
+Jackasses.
+		-- H. L. Mencken
+%
+Democracy is good.  I say this because other systems are worse.
+		-- Jawaharlal Nehru
+%
+Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people
+are right more than half of the time.
+		-- E. B. White
+%
+Democracy, n.:
+	A government of the masses.  Authority derived through mass
+meeting or any other form of direct expression.  Results in mobocracy.
+Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights.
+Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate,
+whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion,
+prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences.
+Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy.
+		-- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
+		   since withdrawn.
+%
+Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the
+board.  Especially with  those 14 year-old Valley girls.
+%
+Dentist, n.:
+	A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
+coins out of one's pockets.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Despising machines to a man,
+The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
+	And ride out by night
+	In a sheeting of white
+To lynch all the robots they can.
+		-- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
+%
+Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
+be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
+the table.
+		-- The Anarchist Cookbook
+%
+		DETERIORATA
+
+Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
+And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
+Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
+Rotate your tires.
+Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
+And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
+Know what to kiss -- and when.
+Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
+But that three do.
+Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
+Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
+And despite the changing fortunes of time,
+There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
+
+	You are a fluke of the universe ...
+	You have no right to be here.
+	Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
+	Is laughing behind your back.
+		-- National Lampoon
+%
+DeVries's Dilemma:
+	If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
+hits the paper.
+%
+Did I say 2?  I lied.
+%
+Did you know ...
+
+That no-one ever reads these things?
+%
+Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
+them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
+%
+Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
+that shot down the Korean jet?  At one point he definitely states:
+
+	"Natasha!  First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and
+	squirrel."
+
+		-- ihuxw!tommyo
+%
+Die, v.:
+	To stop sinning suddenly.
+		-- Elbert Hubbard
+%
+"Die?  I should say not, dear fellow.  No Barrymore would allow such a
+conventional thing to happen to him."
+		-- John Barrymore's dying words
+%
+Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
+%
+Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
+Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
+%
+Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
+%
+Disc space -- the final frontier!
+%
+Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
+yours too."
+		-- Dave Haynie
+%
+Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my
+employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely
+coincidental.  Any resemblance between the above and my own views is
+non-deterministic.  The question of the existence of views in the
+absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader.
+The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for
+the second god coefficient.  (A discussion of non-orthogonal,
+non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)
+%
+Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
+%
+Distinctive, adj.:
+	A different color or shape than our competitors.
+%
+Distress, n.:
+	A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape
+injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any
+damage inflicted on the vehicle.
+%
+Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
+%
+Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
+%
+Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
+%
+Do not drink coffee in early a.m.  It will keep you awake until noon.
+%
+Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to
+anger.
+%
+"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
+with ketchup."
+%
+Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
+Violators will be prosecuted.
+(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
+%
+Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
+%
+Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each
+day as it comes.
+		-- Donald Kaul
+%
+Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
+%
+Do what comes naturally now.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
+%
+Do you have lysdexia?
+%
+Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take
+the time to take the dirt out of them?
+%
+"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
+"Of course it's wrong!  It's illegal!"
+"I've never done anything illegal before."
+"I thought you said you were an accountant!"
+%
+Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
+when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
+		-- Dick Brandon
+%
+Documentation is the castor oil of programming.  Managers know it must
+be good because the programmers hate it so much.
+%
+Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
+%
+Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
+%
+Don't be humble ... you're not that great.
+		-- Golda Meir
+%
+Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
+%
+Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!
+		-- Joe Cointment
+%
+"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
+sincerely, extremely dangerously.
+
+They used dogs.  They used probes.  They used cardio plate crossoffs.
+They used teepers.  They used bribery.  They used stick tites.  They
+used intimidation.  They used torment.  They used torture.  They used
+finks.  They used cops.  They used search and seizure.  They used
+fallaron.  They used betterment incentives.  They used finger prints.
+They used the bertillion system.  They used cunning.  They used guile.
+They used treachery.  They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.
+They used applied physics.  They used techniques of criminology.  And
+what the hell, they caught him.
+
+		-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the
+		   Tick-Tock Man"
+%
+Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
+%
+Don't feed the bats tonight.
+%
+Don't get even -- get odd!
+%
+Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly
+misleading.  Debug only code.
+		-- Dave Storer
+%
+"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes
+you nothing.  It was here first."
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
+%
+Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
+%
+Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
+%
+Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
+%
+Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.
+%
+Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking
+distance.
+%
+Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
+%
+Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
+%
+Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
+it today you can do it again tomorrow.
+%
+"Don't say yes until I finish talking."
+		-- Darryl F. Zanuck
+%
+Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.
+Cheat.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!
+		-- "Brazil"
+%
+Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
+		-- Walt Kelly
+%
+Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive.
+%
+Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
+%
+"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
+get more wax!!"
+%
+Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts
+avoiding you.
+		-- The Old Farmer's Almanac
+%
+"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.  If your ideas are any
+good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats."
+		-- Howard Aiken
+%
+Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.  It's already
+tomorrow in Australia.
+		-- Charles Schultz
+%
+Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too
+busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
+%
+Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
+%
+Don:    I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill!  Was she
+	pretty?
+W. C.:  Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
+	bad road.  She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to
+	sleep with her head in a safe.  She died in Bolivia.
+Don:	Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
+W. C.:	It's almost impossible.
+		-- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson
+		   E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
+%
+		Double Bucky
+	(Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")	
+
+Double bucky, you're the one!
+You make my keyboard lots of fun
+	Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
+(Vo-vo-de-o!)
+Control and Meta side by side,
+Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
+	Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
+
+Double bucky, left and right
+OR'd together, outta sight!
+	Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
+	Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
+	Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
+
+		-- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr.
+%
+Double-Blind Experiment, n.:
+	An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
+fooling both the subject and the lab assistant.  Often accompanied by a
+belief in the tooth fairy.
+%
+Down with categorical imperative!
+%
+"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
+%
+Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
+	The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
+of your eyes.
+%
+Drink Canada Dry!  You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying.
+%
+Drive defensively.  Buy a tank.
+%
+Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic
+route!
+%
+Ducharme's Axiom:
+	If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
+yourself as part of the problem.
+%
+Ducharme's Precept:
+	Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
+%
+Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and
+it holds the universe together ...
+		-- Carl Zwanzig
+%
+Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
+has been discontinued.
+%
+Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate
+and captain of your soul.
+%
+Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been
+discontinued.
+%
+	During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
+were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall.  Suddenly a
+red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
+"Hey, you almost hit my wife."
+	"Did I?"  cried the hunter, aghast.  "Terribly sorry.  Have a
+shot at mine, over there."
+%
+During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
+times, often with lin~po_~{po       ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po	 ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
+%
+"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.  And my advice to you is to have
+nothing whatever to do with it."
+		-- W. Somerset Maugham
+%
+E Pluribus Unix
+%
+Eagleson's Law:
+	Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
+months, might as well have been written by someone else.  (Eagleson is
+an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
+%
+Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
+%
+/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
+%
+Earth is a beta site.
+%
+"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."
+		-- Jeff Berner
+%
+Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
+	Black.  Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
+cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of
+the plastic underneath -- black.  According to the instructions, this
+means the puzzle is solved.
+		-- Steve Rubenstein
+%
+ Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
+%
+"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work."
+%
+Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
+		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
+%
+Economics, n.:
+	Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K.
+Galbraith ...
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Economists can certainly disappoint you.  One said that the economy
+would turn up by the last quarter.  Well, I'm down to mine and it
+hasn't.
+		-- Robert Orben
+%
+Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
+percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
+		-- Edgar R. Fiedler
+%
+Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
+		-- Fred Allen
+%
+Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
+		-- Irsin Edman
+%
+Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!
+		-- Bullwinkle Moose
+%
+Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
+		-- Adlai Stevenson
+%
+Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English.  Many
+people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from.  The first syllable
+comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg".  I don't know where
+the "nog" comes from.
+
+To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
+season, eggs...
+%
+Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
+of being a damned fool.
+		-- Bellamy Brooks
+%
+Egotist, n.:
+	A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Ehrman's Commentary:
+	(1) Things will get worse before they get better.
+	(2) Who said things would get better?
+%
+Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
+		-- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
+%
+Eleanor Rigby
+	Sits at the keyboard
+	And waits for a line on the screen
+Lives in a dream
+Waits for a signal
+	Finding some code
+	That will make the machine do some more.
+What is it for?
+
+All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
+All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
+%
+Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
+%
+	Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
+called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
+have been drinking.  Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
+most American homes is 110 volts per hour.  This is very fast.  In the
+time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
+have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
+although God alone knows why it would want to.
+	The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
+direct current, lightning, static, and European.  Most American homes
+have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
+direction for a while, then goes in the other direction.  This prevents
+harmful electron buildup in the wires.
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+Electrocution, n.:
+	Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
+%
+Elevators smell different to midgets
+%
+Emerson's Law of Contrariness:
+	Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we
+can.  Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
+%
+Encyclopedia Salesmen:
+	Invite them all in.  Nip out the back door.  Phone the police
+and tell them your house is being burgled.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
+Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
+		-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
+%
+Entropy isn't what it used to be.
+%
+Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
+otherwise require harder thinking.
+		-- Jerome Lettvin
+%
+Epperson's law:
+	When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
+something his wife can beat him at.
+%
+Equal bytes for women.
+%
+Error in operator: add beer
+%
+Es brilig war.  Die schlichte Toven
+	Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
+Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven
+	Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben.
+		-- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
+%
+Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+Etymology, n.:
+	Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
+were hard for the public to believe.  The term "etymology" was formed
+from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy"
+("study of").  It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow."
+		-- Mike Kellen
+%
+Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to
+speak it to?
+		-- Clarence Darrow
+%
+"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit
+there."
+		-- Will Rogers
+%
+"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."
+		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
+%
+Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
+States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a
+day.
+%
+Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
+just how busy they are.
+%
+Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
+exactly, make people laugh.  That's why they were called "wise men."
+All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with
+spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about:
+Would you please take my wife?  No.  How about: Here is my wife, please
+take her right now.  No How about:  Would you like to take something?
+My wife is available.  No.  How about ..."
+		-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
+%
+Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
+%
+Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
+%
+Every four seconds a woman has a baby.  Our problem is to find this
+woman and stop her.
+%
+"Every group has a couple of experts.  And every group has at least one
+idiot.  Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained.  It's
+sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all
+of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two
+highly-motivated, caustic twits."
+		-- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet
+%
+Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
+signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
+fed, those who are cold and are not clothed.  This world in arms is not
+spending money alone.  It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
+genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.  This is not a way
+of life at all in any true sense.  Under the clouds of war, it is
+humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
+		-- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
+%
+Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):
+
+Horses have an even number of legs.  Behind they have two legs, and in
+front they have fore-legs.  This makes six legs, which is certainly an
+odd number of legs for a horse.  But the only number that is both even
+and odd is infinity.  Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
+legs.  Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
+there is a horse that has a finite number of legs.  But that is a horse
+of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
+color"], that does not exist.
+%
+Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
+		-- Frank Moore Colby
+%
+Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
+%
+Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
+		-- Don Vonada
+%
+"Every man has his price.  Mine is $3.95."
+%
+Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
+		-- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the
+richest people in America.  If I'm not there, I go to work"
+		-- Robert Orben
+%
+Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.
+
+It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
+%
+Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
+instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every
+program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
+%
+Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and
+another for which it wasn't.
+%
+Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
+%
+Every solution breeds new problems.
+%
+Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
+guarantee of eventual success.
+%
+"Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it."
+%
+Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
+		-- Beckett
+%
+Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
+		-- Dykstra
+%
+Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
+%
+Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be
+taught how ___not to.  So it is with the great programmers.
+%
+Everyone is a genius.  It's just that some people are too stupid to
+realize it.
+%
+Everyone knows that dragons don't exist.  But while this simplistic
+formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
+scientific mind.  The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
+wholly unconcerned with what ____does exist.  Indeed, the banality of
+existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
+discuss it any further here.  The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
+problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
+mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical.  They were all,
+one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
+different way ...
+		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it.
+%
+Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
+no one we know belongs.
+%
+Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
+that a belch is more satisfying.
+		-- Ingmar Bergman
+%
+Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
+%
+Everything you know is wrong!
+%
+Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
+obvious as you begin to study the universe.  For example, there are no
+solids in the universe.  There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
+There are no absolute continuums.  There are no surfaces.  There are no
+straight lines.
+		-- R. Buckminster Fuller
+%
+	Excellence is THE trend of the '80s.  Walk into any shopping
+mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
+"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
+how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
+"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
+So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
+		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
+%
+Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike office water cooler.
+%
+Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
+%
+Excellent day to have a rotten day.
+%
+Excellent time to become a missing person.
+%
+Excess on occasion is exhilarating.  It prevents moderation from
+acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
+		-- W. Somerset Maugham
+%
+Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
+%
+Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do
+the work.
+		-- John G. Pollard
+%
+Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
+%
+Expense Accounts, n.:
+	Corporate food stamps.
+%
+Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
+		-- Olivier
+%
+Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake
+when you make it again.
+		-- F. P. Jones
+%
+Experience is the worst teacher.  It always gives the test first and
+the instruction afterward.
+%
+Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old
+ones.
+%
+Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
+%
+Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
+%
+Expert, n.:
+	Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
+%
+Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules:
+
+		NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE
+
+To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully
+cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand
+corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and
+address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) --
+to a 3x5 inch index card.  (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower
+left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card
+below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your
+computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL
+SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.)  (e) Finally place 3x5 card
+(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the the
+Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be
+disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595.  Print
+this address correctly.  Comply with above instructions carefully and
+completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
+%
+F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
+%
+f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
+%
+f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
+%
+F:	When into a room I plunge, I
+	Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
+	Then I linger, darkly brooding
+	On the poison they're exuding.
+		-- The Roguelet's ABC
+%
+Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
+%
+Fairy Tale, n.:
+	A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
+%
+Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
+without looking to see whether the seeds move.
+%
+Faith, n:
+	That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be
+untrue.
+%
+Fakir, n:
+	A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
+religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to
+have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
+%
+Familiarity breeds attempt
+%
+Families, when a child is born
+Want it to be intelligent.
+I, through intelligence,
+Having wrecked my whole life,
+Only hope the baby will prove
+Ignorant and stupid.
+Then he will crown a tranquil life
+By becoming a Cabinet Minister
+		-- Su Tung-p'o
+%
+Famous last words:
+%
+Famous last words:
+	(1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
+	(2) "You and what army?"
+	(3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
+	     a cop."
+%
+Famous last words:
+	(1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
+	(2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
+	(3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
+	(4) We won't need reservations.
+	(5) It's always sunny there this time of the year.
+	(6) Don't worry, it's not loaded.
+	(7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
+%
+Famous, adj.:
+	Conspicuously miserable.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
+Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
+Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
+utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
+forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
+are a pretty neat idea ...
+		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
+every six months.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Fats Loves Madelyn
+%
+Feel disillusioned?  I've got some great new illusions ...
+%
+Fertility is hereditary.  If your parents didn't have any children,
+neither will you.
+%
+	Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
+other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
+the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
+d'oeuvres.
+	Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
+to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
+Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
+piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
+	Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
+inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
+other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
+placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
+the little hammers strike.
+	Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
+their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
+Christmas tree.  The piano is missing.
+
+	You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
+you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
+4.  The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
+%
+Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
+	If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
+
+Corollary:
+	If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
+live.
+%
+Fifth Law of Procrastination:
+	Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
+there is nothing important to do.
+%
+Fifty flippant frogs
+Walked by on flippered feet
+And with their slime they made the time
+Unnaturally fleet.
+%
+	FIGHTING WORDS
+
+Say my love is easy had,
+	Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
+Say I am too often sad --
+	Still behold me at your side.
+
+Say I'm neither brave nor young,
+	Say I woo and coddle care,
+Say the devil touched my tongue --
+	Still you have my heart to wear.
+
+But say my verses do not scan,
+	And I get me another man!
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
+Carolina.
+%
+Finagle's Creed:
+	Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.
+%
+Finagle's First Law:
+	If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
+%
+Finagle's fourth Law:
+	Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes
+it worse.
+%
+Finagle's Second Law:
+	No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
+someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it
+happened according to his own pet theory.
+%
+Finagle's Third Law:
+	In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
+	beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
+
+Corollaries:
+	(1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
+	(2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
+	    don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
+%
+Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
+on a rock.
+		-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
+%
+Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
+%
+Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
+%
+Fine's Corollary:
+	Functionality breeds Contempt.
+%
+Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:
+
+	"Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."
+
+Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:
+
+	P.O. Box 35
+	Baffled Greek, Michigan
+%
+First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
+	Machines that piss people off get murdered.
+		-- Pat Taber
+%
+First Law of Bicycling:
+	No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
+wind.
+%
+First Law of Procrastination:
+	Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
+for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed
+the deadline).
+%
+First Law of Socio-Genetics:
+	Celibacy is not hereditary.
+%
+First Rule of History:
+	History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
+other.
+%
+"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order"
+		-- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
+%
+First, a few words about tools.
+
+Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
+the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
+injure yourself.  Today, people tend to take tools for granted.  If
+you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
+particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
+granted.  If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
+		-- Robert Firth
+%
+Flappity, floppity, flip
+The mouse on the m"obius strip;
+	The strip revolved,
+	The mouse dissolved
+In a chronodimensional skip.
+%
+FLASH!  Intelligence of mankind decreasing.  Details at ... uh, when
+the little hand is on the ....
+%
+Flon's Law:
+	There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
+the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
+%
+Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
+husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer!  My joules!  Someone has stolen my
+joules!"
+
+"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
+a moment.  Perhaps they're mislead."
+
+"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence.  "I remember putting them
+in my burette ... We must call a copper."
+
+Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
+said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
+of Lawrence Ium.
+
+"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
+dangerous.  His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium.  Maybe I can
+catch him there."  With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
+activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
+		-- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
+%
+flowchart, n. & v.:
+	[From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
+"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
+1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction
+problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation
+using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template.  2. n. Neronic
+doodling while the system burns.  3. n. A low-cost substitute for
+wallpaper.  4. n.  The innumerate misleading the illiterate.  "A
+thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's
+Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps.  5. v.intrans. To produce
+flowcharts with no particular object in mind.  6. v.trans. To obfuscate
+(a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
+		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
+%
+Flugg's Law:
+	When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the
+world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
+%
+Flying saucers on occasion
+	Show themselves to human eyes.
+Aliens fume, put off invasion
+	While they brand these tales as lies.
+%
+Fog Lamps, n.:
+	Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the
+fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
+driver's brain is in a fog.
+
+See also "Idiot Lights".
+%
+Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
+		-- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo"
+%
+For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
+%
+For a good time, call (415) 642-9483
+%
+For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a
+cat.
+%
+"For an adequate time call 555-3321"
+%
+For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be
+always old-fashioned.
+%
+For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
+and wrong.
+		-- H. L. Mencken
+%
+For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
+		-- R. Clopton
+%
+	"For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
+of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
+
+	"Whose?"
+
+	"MINE! HA-HA!"
+%
+For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
+%
+For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire
+life to date.  He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days
+now.  He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets
+when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch
+in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have
+the strength to object.  He has been foraging for his own food, which
+means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are
+advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are
+the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their
+names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot
+("part of this complete breakfast").
+		-- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
+%
+For perfect happiness, remember two things:
+	(1) Be content with what you've got.
+	(2) Be sure you've got plenty.
+%
+For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
+"Canada".  Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
+		-- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to
+		   the U.S.
+%
+For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
+%
+"For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of
+a thousand years ago.  Why not, then, the last step of doing away with
+computers altogether?"
+		-- Jehan Shuman
+%
+For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they
+like.
+		-- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but
+phone calls taper off."
+		-- Johnny Carson
+%
+For years a secret shame destroyed my peace --
+I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
+But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
+Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
+		-- Justin Richardson.
+%
+For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
+%
+Forgetfulness, n.:
+	A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their
+destitution of conscience.
+%
+Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS!	#6
+
+RAZORBACK:			Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
+	One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and
+	arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating
+	hog.  Some violence.  With Gregory Harrison.
+%
+fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:
+
+	I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
+	"Hey you, get off my plate"
+		-- Roger Midnight
+%
+Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
+	"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
+%
+Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
+
+		Don't Write On Walls!
+
+		   (and underneath)
+
+		You want I should type?
+%
+Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):
+	No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this
+State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed
+with a club.  The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
+weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it
+apply to female horses.
+%
+Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful
+Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan.  During an
+impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and
+clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following
+exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
+
+DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are
+	 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams.
+HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?
+DINGELL: They may or may not be natural.  The simple fact of the matter
+	 is that female oysters through their living habits cast out
+	 large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large
+	 amounts of fertilization ...
+HOFFMAN: Wait a minute!  I do not want to go into that.  There are many
+	 teenagers who read The Congressional Record.
+%
+Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:
+
+	Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
+%
+FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS		#14
+
+Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good
+liquor at BYOB parties?  Take along a candle, which you insert and
+light after you've opened the bottle.  No one ever expects anything
+drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:
+
+Q:  Are you married?
+A:  No, I'm divorced.
+Q:  And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
+A:  A lot of things I didn't know about.
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:
+
+Q:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
+A:  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:
+
+THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
+	   information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
+	   any ...
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:
+
+Q:  Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
+A:  I will be three months November 8th.
+Q:  Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
+A:  Yes.
+Q:  What were you and your husband doing at that time?
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:
+
+Q:  Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
+A:  No.
+Q:  What was he doing with the dog's ears?
+A:  Picking them up in the air.
+Q:  Where was the dog at this time?
+A:  Attached to the ears.
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:
+
+Q:  When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
+    able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
+    go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
+    him to the station?
+MR. BROOKS:  Objection.  That question should be taken out and shot.
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:
+
+Q:  Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
+A:  By death.
+Q:  And by whose death was it terminated?
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
+
+Q:  What is your name?
+A:  Ernestine McDowell.
+Q:  And what is your marital status?
+A:  Fair.
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:
+
+Q:  What happened then?
+A:  He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
+    me."
+Q:  Did he kill you?
+A:  No.
+%
+fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
+%
+Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri
+sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
+
+Oh, and have a nice day!
+		-- Bryce Nesbitt '84
+%
+Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
+	The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
+instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
+
+Corollary:
+	Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
+except study for that instructor's course.
+%
+Fourth Law of Revision:
+	It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
+interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you.
+%
+Fourth Law of Thermodynamics:  If the probability of success is not
+almost one, it is damn near zero.
+		-- David Ellis
+%
+Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
+policeman's tie.
+%
+Fresco's Discovery:
+	If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
+%
+Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
+Let me clue you in;
+I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
+The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
+The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar.  The cool Brutus
+Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
+If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
+And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
+Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
+So are they all, all cool cats, --
+Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
+%
+Frisbeetarianism, n.:
+	The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and
+gets stuck.
+%
+Frobnicate, v.:
+	To manipulate or adjust, to tweak.  Derived from FROBNITZ.
+Usually abbreviated to FROB.  Thus one has the saying "to frob a
+frob".  See TWEAK and TWIDDLE.  Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
+sometimes connote points along a continuum.  FROB connotes aimless
+manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
+search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning.  If someone is
+turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
+he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
+screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
+turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
+%
+Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.:
+	An unspecified physical object, a widget.  Also refers to
+electronic black boxes.  This rare form is usually abbreviated to
+FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB.  Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and
+FROBNODULE.  Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl.
+FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure
+via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon).  These can also be
+applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.
+%
+[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
+Association, in Rome]:
+
+The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria
+and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not
+spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods,
+or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in
+millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have
+reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology
+engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general,
+president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social
+schizophrenia in mass genocide.
+%
+From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973:
+
+Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and
+the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion.  A judge of the
+Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his
+candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground
+nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts,
+other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not
+qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their
+being nuts (unground)."
+%
+From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
+convulsed with laughter.  Some day I intend reading it.
+		-- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
+%
+[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made
+in Japan]:
+
+The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT
+MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is
+featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality
+against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design",
+"flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00
+Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile
+operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc.
+
+And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help
+achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by
+HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
+%
+From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
+instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
+experience in sound:
+
+	5.  Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees.  The pin-spreading
+	    sound is normal for this type of connector.
+%
+From too much love of living,
+From hope and fear set free,
+We thank with brief thanksgiving,
+Whatever gods may be,
+That no life lives forever,
+That dead men rise up never,
+That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
+		-- Swinburne
+%
+Fuch's Warning:
+	If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
+enough to travel.
+%
+Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
+	Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
+%
+Furbling, v.:
+	Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
+even when you are the only person in line.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
+		-- H. H. Williams
+%
+Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
+%
+G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy.  One
+of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
+secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
+`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And
+that's your chance, my boy."
+%
+Garbage In -- Gospel Out.
+%
+Garter, n.:
+	An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
+stockings and desolating the country.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Gauls!  We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall
+on our heads tomorrow.  But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
+		-- Adventures of Asterix.
+%
+Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
+
+	Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
+than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"?  Listen to the difference:
+	"Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
+Obvious, isn't it?
+	Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
+speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
+long as you live.  This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
+your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
+so on, but that's just the point.  It has to start with committed
+individuals and then grow ...
+	Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
+signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
+everything is written in Yiddish.  And we'll have to start driving on
+the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
+backwards.  But is that too high a price to pay for world peace?  I
+think not, my friend, I think not.
+		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+	"Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an
+extracurricular activity except you."
+	"Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
+	"Only to ten, Mudhead."
+
+			-- Firesign Theater
+%
+"Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore."
+%
+GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
+	You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you
+because you are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect too much
+for too little.  This means you are cheap.  Geminis are known for
+committing incest.
+%
+GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
+	Good news and bad news highlighted.  Enjoy the good news while
+you can; the bad news will make you forget it.  You will enjoy praise
+and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker.  A short
+trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
+%
+Genderplex, n.:
+	The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
+determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
+tortoises).
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
+you should.
+%
+Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
+handicapped.
+		-- Elbert Hubbard
+%
+Genius, n.:
+	A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
+"bright".
+%
+George Orwell 1984.  Northwestern 0.
+		-- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
+%
+George Orwell was an optimist.
+%
+George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
+have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
+		-- Ashley Cooper
+%
+Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
+	(1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong
+	    direction.
+	(2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
+	(3) The energy required to change either one of these states
+	    will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
+	    much as to make the task totally impossible.
+%
+Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
+%
+			Get GUMMed
+			--- ------
+The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
+1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
+the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps.  Members will grep
+each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
+chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
+nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od.  Three
+days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo.  Two
+seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
+friendly features of Unix.  Seminars include "Everything You Know is
+Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
+"cc C?  Si!  Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
+Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats.  No Reader Service No. is necessary because
+all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
+could tell them.
+		-- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
+%
+Get Revenge!  Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
+%
+			-- Gifts for Children --
+
+This is easy.  You never have to figure out what to get for children,
+because they will tell you exactly what they want.  They spend months
+and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
+morning cartoon-show advertisements.  Make sure you get your children
+exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices.  If
+your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
+Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it.  You may be worried that it
+might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
+me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
+who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+			-- Gifts for Men --
+
+Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
+ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy.  But you
+should never buy them clothes.  Men believe they already have all the
+clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous.  For
+example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
+three of them.  He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
+that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
+at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
+So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
+years without being laughed at.  If you give him a new tie, he will
+pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
+
+If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires.  More
+than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
+of tires.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+		Gimmie That Old Time Religion
+We will follow Zarathustra,		We will worship like the Druids,
+Zarathustra like we use to,		Dancing naked in the woods,
+I'm a Zarathustra booster,		Drinking strange fermented fluids,
+And he's good enough for me!		And it's good enough for me!
+	(chorus)				(chorus)
+
+In the church of Aphrodite,
+The priestess wears a see-through nightie,
+She's a mighty righteous sightie,
+And she's good enough for me!
+	(chorus)
+
+CHORUS:	Give me that old time religion,
+	Give me that old time religion,
+	Give me that old time religion,
+	'Cause it's good enough for me!
+%
+Ginsberg's Theorem:
+	(1) You can't win.
+	(2) You can't break even.
+	(3) You can't even quit the game.
+
+Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
+	Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
+	meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
+	Theorem.  To wit:
+
+	(1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
+	(2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break
+	    even.
+	(3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the
+	    game.
+%
+Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place
+to stand, and I will drain the world.
+%
+"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war."
+		-- Napolean
+%
+Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
+%
+Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to
+a new town.
+%
+Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
+%
+"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying
+around, I'd rather lie around.  No contest."
+		-- Eric Clapton
+%
+Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden:
+Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful.  The LISP
+machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
+		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
+	Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
+probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some
+useful work done.
+%
+Gnagloot, n.:
+	A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
+impress people.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Go 'way!  You're bothering me!
+%
+Go climb a gravity well!
+%
+Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
+be in owning a piece thereof.
+		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
+%
+//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
+%
+God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six
+days and then pulled an all-nighter.
+%
+God doesn't play dice.
+		-- Albert Einstein
+%
+"God gives burdens; also shoulders"
+
+Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the
+end of the 1980 election.  At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I
+can't find it anywhere.  I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why
+would he lie about a thing like that?
+		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ...
+The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do
+not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman
+... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on
+smoking and drinking beer.  But the man who cannot live on bread and
+water is not fit to live!  A family may live on good bread and water in
+the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at
+night!
+		-- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
+%
+God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
+%
+God is a polytheist.
+%
+God is Dead
+		-- Nietzsche
+Nietzsche is Dead
+		-- God
+Nietzsche is God
+		-- The Dead
+%
+God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
+%
+God is real, unless declared integer.
+%
+God is really only another artist.  He invented the giraffe, the
+elephant and the cat.  He has no real style, He just goes on trying
+other things.
+		-- Pablo Picasso
+%
+God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
+		-- Alfred Jarry
+%
+God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
+%
+God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
+%
+God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
+		-- Kronecker
+%
+God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
+%
+God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.
+		-- Albert Einstein
+%
+God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
+%
+God rest ye CS students now,
+Let nothing you dismay.
+The VAX is down and won't be up,
+Until the first of May.
+The program that was due this morn,
+Won't be postponed, they say.
+
+	Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
+	Comfort and joy,
+	Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
+
+The bearings on the drum are gone,
+The disk is wobbling, too.
+We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
+Can't tell false from true.
+And now we find that we can't get
+At Berkeley's 4.2.
+
+	(chorus)
+%
+Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to
+school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a
+person a car.
+%
+Gold, n.:
+	A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution.  It
+is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who
+immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold
+hasn't done anything to them.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Goldenstern's Rules:
+	(1) Always hire a rich attorney
+	(2) Never buy from a rich salesman.
+%
+Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
+example.
+		-- La Rouchefoucauld
+%
+Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
+%
+Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
+%
+Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.
+%
+Good day to let down old friends who need help.
+%
+Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
+%
+Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
+%
+Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
+%
+Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
+new lover.
+%
+"Good-bye.  I am leaving because I am bored."
+		-- George Saunders' dying words
+%
+Gordon's first law:
+	If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing
+well.
+%
+"Gosh that takes me back ... or forward.  That's the trouble with time
+travel, you never can tell."
+		-- Dr. Who
+%
+Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward?  That's the trouble with
+time travel, you never can tell."
+		-- Doctor Who "Androids of Tara"
+%
+Got Mole problems?
+Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
+%
+Goto, n.:
+	A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
+to complain about unstructured programmers.
+		-- Ray Simard
+%
+Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.
+		-- John Updike, "Couples"
+%
+Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are
+different lies.
+%
+Government spending?  I don't know what it's all about.  I don't know
+any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he
+doesn't know much.
+		-- Will Rogers
+%
+Grabel's Law:
+	2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
+%
+Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
+%
+Graduate life: It's not just a job.  It's an indenture.
+%
+Grandpa Charnock's Law:
+	You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
+%
+Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
+%
+Gray's Law of Programming:
+	`_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
+time as `_n' tasks.
+
+Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
+	`_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks.
+%
+Great minds run in great circles.
+%
+	GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917
+
+On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
+Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl.  He bought them
+off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
+wouldn't get out of that under $1000!"  Always one to learn from his
+mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
+tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
+stood lookout.
+%
+Green light in a.m. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for traffic
+tickets.
+%
+Greener's Law:
+	Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
+%
+Grelb's Reminder:
+	Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
+average drivers.
+%
+"Grub first, then ethics."
+		-- Bertolt Brecht
+%
+Gurmlish, n.:
+	The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which
+prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his
+mouth.
+		-- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
+%
+Gyroscope, n.:
+	A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
+free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
+other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
+mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
+other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
+offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
+torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
+		-- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
+%
+H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
+Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
+		-- Maxwell Bodenheim
+%
+H. L. Mencken's Law:
+	Those who can -- do.
+	Those who can't -- teach.
+
+Martin's Extension:
+	Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
+%
+H:	If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
+	Slice him up before he slays you.
+	Nothing makes you look a slob
+	Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
+		-- The Roguelet's ABC
+%
+Hacker's Law:
+	The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
+nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
+%
+Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
+%
+... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,
+and you would not have been informed.
+%
+Hail to the sun god
+He sure is a fun god
+Ra!  Ra!  Ra!
+%
+Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side?  And hain't that a big
+enough majority in any town?
+		-- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
+%
+Half Moon tonight.  (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
+%
+Half-done:
+	This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still
+crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor.  The difference
+between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like
+the difference between life and death.
+	You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill
+there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the
+airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough
+Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
+Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
+about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop.  Say to the
+man, "Let me have a nice half-done."
+	Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
+		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+Hall's Laws of Politics:
+	(1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
+	(2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something
+	    fixed.
+	(3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
+	    military spending, and conservatives social spending in
+	    their own districts).
+%
+Hand, n.:
+	A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
+commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Hanlon's Razor:
+	Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
+stupidity.
+%
+Hanson's Treatment of Time:
+	There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days
+before Saturday.
+%
+Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
+		-- Oscar Levant
+%
+Happiness, n.:
+	An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
+another.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances?
+%
+Hardware, n.:
+	The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
+%
+Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender.  You stand
+convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
+		-- Tobias Smollet
+%
+Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
+The Duke is fond of kittens
+He likes to take their insides out
+And use them for his mittens
+	From "The Thirteen Clocks"
+%
+Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
+Advertising wondrous things.
+		-- Tom Lehrer
+%
+Harris's Lament:
+	All the good ones are taken.
+%
+Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
+	Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment
+ruined.
+%
+Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
+makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
+famous for its wild horses.  I realize that the concept of wild horses
+probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
+have never met any wild horses in person.  In person, they are like
+enormous hooved rats.  They amble up to your camp site, and their
+attitude is: "We're wild horses.  We're going to eat your food, knock
+down your tent and poop on your shoes.  We're protected by federal law,
+just like Richard Nixon."
+		-- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
+%
+Hartley's First Law:
+	You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
+on his back, you've got something.
+%
+Hartley's Second Law:
+	Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
+%
+Harvard Law:
+	Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
+temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will
+do as it damn well pleases.
+%
+"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
+"Yes, I don't have one."
+"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..."
+		-- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372
+%
+Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are
+typed with the left hand?  Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter
+keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use
+of both hands.  It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is
+not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.
+%
+		        Has your family tried 'em?
+
+			   POWDERMILK BISCUITS
+
+		 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
+
+	   They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the
+	   strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
+
+			   POWDERMILK BISCUITS
+
+	Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the
+	biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains
+			 that indicate freshness.
+%
+Hatred, n.:
+	A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
+superiority.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Have an adequate day.
+%
+Have an adequate day.
+%
+Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is
+to defuse project tensions?  When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
+non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
+
+Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions.  This
+still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or
+only serves to blunt the warning signs.
+
+		Long live the revolution!
+		Have a nice day.
+%
+Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell
+you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time
+for play?
+%
+Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm?  Besides drugs,
+I mean.  The answer is hot tubs.  A hot tub is a redwood container
+filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite
+sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse.  After a few hours in
+their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or
+mass murderers.  They don't give a damn about anything , which is why
+they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week.
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+"Have you lived here all your life?"
+"Oh, twice that long."
+%
+Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
+crack in your sidewalk?
+%
+Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
+sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
+		-- Dr. Who
+%
+Have you reconsidered a computer career?
+%
+"He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental
+effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable
+perversion."
+		-- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails"
+%
+"He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions"
+%
+He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
+perfectly delightful.
+		-- Sydney Smith
+%
+He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and
+heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope
+of ever behaving "normally."
+		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
+%
+He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+"He is now rising from affluence to poverty."
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
+%
+He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
+		-- John Mason Brown, drama critic
+%
+He thought he saw an albatross
+That fluttered 'round the lamp.
+He looked again and saw it was
+A penny postage stamp.
+"You'd best be getting home," he said,
+"The nights are rather damp."
+%
+He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
+		-- Jonathon Swift
+%
+"He was a modest, good-humored boy.  It was Oxford that made him
+insufferable."
+%
+"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
+eyes ..."
+%
+He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
+attacks democracy itself.
+		-- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
+%
+He who Laughs, Lasts.
+%
+"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..."
+%
+He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be
+there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
+%
+"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
+%
+HE:  Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
+SHE: What?!?  Science got enough trouble with their ___OWN brains.
+		-- Walt Kelley
+%
+Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
+%
+Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
+of nothing.
+		-- Redd Foxx
+%
+Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
+of nothing.
+		-- Redd Foxx
+%
+Heaven, n.:
+	A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
+their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
+expound your own.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Heavy, adj.:
+	Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
+%
+"Heisenberg may have slept here"
+%
+Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
+		-- Milton Friedman
+%
+Heller's Law:
+	The first myth of management is that it exists.
+
+Johnson's Corollary:
+	Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
+organization.
+%
+"Hello," he lied.
+		-- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent
+%
+Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
+%
+Help fight continental drift.
+%
+Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
+%
+Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.
+%
+Help!  I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
+%
+HELP!  MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
+		-- E. E. CUMMINGS
+%
+Her locks an ancient lady gave
+Her loving husband's life to save;
+And men -- they honored so the dame --
+Upon some stars bestowed her name.
+
+But to our modern married fair,
+Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
+No stellar recognition's given.
+There are not stars enough in heaven.
+%
+"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
+Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."
+%
+Here I sit, broken-hearted,
+All logged in, but work unstarted.
+First net.this and net.that,
+And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
+
+The boss comes by, and I play the game,
+Then I turn back to net.flame.
+Is there a cure (I need your views),
+For someone trapped in net.news?
+
+I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
+'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
+%
+Here in my heart, I am Helen;
+	I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
+I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el;
+	I'm Salome, moon of the East.
+
+Here in my soul I am Sappho;
+	Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
+In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
+	With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell.
+
+I'm all of the glamorous ladies
+	At whose beckoning history shook.
+But you are a man, and see only my pan,
+	So I stay at home with a book.
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
+lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
+your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
+Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
+pain?  This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
+but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
+important electrical lesson.
+
+It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works.  When you scuffed
+your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
+objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
+attract dirt.  The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
+collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
+friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
+carpet, thus completing the circuit.
+
+Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
+touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
+finger would explode!  But this is nothing to worry about unless you
+have carpeting.
+		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
+%
+	Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the
+month.  According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people
+are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China.
+	The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either
+(depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax
+tadpole".
+	Bite the wax tadpole.
+	There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
+	The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's
+hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to
+bite a wax tadpole.  Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad,
+but broad satiric vistas do not open up.
+		-- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
+%
+"Here's something to think about:  How come you never see a headline like
+`Psychic Wins Lottery'?"
+		-- Jay Leno
+%
+Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.  If they didn't have bugs,
+then they'd be algorithms.
+%
+"Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
+		-- W. C. Fields
+%
+Hi there!  This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
+reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
+nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
+%
+"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
+As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
+equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
+Do you have a car or a job?  Do you ever walk around?  If so, you
+probably have the makings of an excellent legal case.  Although of
+course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my
+experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out
+of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.
+
+"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
+motto is:  'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'"
+		-- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
+%
+Hier liegt ein Mann ganz obnegleich;
+Im Leibe dick, an Suden reich.
+Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt,	Here lies a man with sundry flaws
+Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt.	And numerous Sins upon his head;
+					We buried him today because
+					As far as we can tell, he's dead.
+		-- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
+		   Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher;
+		   "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter
+		   Schickele
+%
+Higgeldy Piggeldy,
+Hamlet of Elsinore
+Ruffled the critics by
+Dropping this bomb:
+"Phooey on Freud and his
+Psychoanalysis --
+Oedipus, Shmoedipus,
+I just love Mom."
+%
+Hindsight is an exact science.
+%
+Hippogriff, n.:
+	An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
+The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.
+The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which
+is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.  The study of zoology is full
+of surprises.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Hire the morally handicapped.
+%
+"His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had
+money, he went to Southern California."
+%
+"His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice"
+		-- Foghorn Leghorn
+%
+"His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier."
+%
+History is curious stuff
+	You'd think by now we had enough
+Yet the fact remains I fear
+	They make more of it every year.
+%
+History repeats itself.  That's one thing wrong with history.
+%
+History, n.:
+	Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we
+learn nothing from history.  I know people who can't even learn from
+what happened this morning.  Hegel must have been taking the long
+view.
+		-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
+%
+Hlade's Law:
+	If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
+will find an easier way to do it.
+%
+Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
+	Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
+out.
+%
+Hofstadter's Law:
+	It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
+Hofstadter's Law into account.
+%
+Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
+		-- Rex Reed
+%
+	Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
+willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
+for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location.  Notice I say
+"shop for", as opposed to "obtain".  This is the major drawback of home
+centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
+trees.  The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
+because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
+object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
+	Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
+broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
+a replacement.  The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
+inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
+same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
+an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
+these sometime around the middle of next week".
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:
+The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
+		-- Chris Shaw
+%
+"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense"
+%
+Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
+		-- F. M. Hubbard
+%
+Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
+%
+Honk if you love peace and quiet.
+%
+Honorable, adj.:
+	Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.  In legislative
+bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
+honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Horngren's Observation:
+	Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
+%
+Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
+people.
+		-- W. C. Fields
+%
+Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
+%
+"Houston, Tranquillity Base here.  The Eagle has landed."
+		-- Neil Armstrong
+%
+How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
+%
+How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
+%
+How come wrong numbers are never busy?
+%
+"How do I love thee?  My accumulator overflows."
+%
+How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
+		-- Elliot, "E.T."
+%
+How doth the little crocodile
+	Improve his shining tail,
+And pour the waters of the Nile
+	On every golden scale!
+
+How cheerfully he seems to grin,
+	How neatly spreads his claws,
+And welcomes little fishes in,
+	With gently smiling jaws!
+		-- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
+%
+How doth the VAX's C compiler
+Improve its object code.
+And even as we speak does it
+Increase the system load.
+
+How patiently it seems to run
+And spit out error flags,
+While users, with frustration, all
+Tear their clothes to rags.
+%
+How doth the VAX's C-compiler
+Improve its object code.
+And even as we speak does it
+Increase the system load.
+
+How patiently it seems to run
+And spit out error flags,
+While users, with frustration, all
+Tear all their clothes to rags.
+%
+How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
+on.
+%
+How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
+None: "We'll fix it in software."
+
+How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
+None: "We'll document it in the manual."
+
+How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
+None: "The user can work it out."
+%
+"How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being
+carried by a waiter at a nice party?"
+
+Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
+d'oeuvre.  If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell
+what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then
+say:  "This is cheese!  I hate cheese!"  Then you put the rest of it
+back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it!  Another
+cheese!" and so on.
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
+%
+	How many seconds are there in a year?  If I tell you there  are
+3.155  x  10^7, you won't even try to remember it.  On the other hand,
+who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a
+nanocentury.
+		-- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
+%
+How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
+Dayton?
+		-- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
+%
+How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
+%
+How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
+%
+HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
+	#1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
+%
+HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
+	#15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
+%
+HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
+
+	#32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of
+	     you.
+%
+Howe's Law:
+	Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
+%
+However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional
+manner ... sulking and nausea.
+		-- Tom K. Ryan
+%
+HR 3128.  Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986.  Martin, R-Ill.,
+motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate
+amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits.
+The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the
+Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the
+bill.  The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on
+the bill.  Agreed to.
+		-- Albuquerque Journal
+%
+	Hug O' War
+
+I will not play at tug o' war.
+I'd rather play at hug o' war,
+Where everyone hugs
+Instead of tugs,
+Where everyone giggles
+And rolls on the rug,
+Where everyone kisses,
+And everyone grins,
+And everyone cuddles,
+And everyone wins.
+		-- Shel Silverstein
+%
+Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
+%
+Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in
+1929.  Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an
+operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a uretheral
+catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of
+his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took
+the confirmatory x-ray film.  In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the
+Nobel Prize.
+%
+Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
+%
+"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
+		-- William Gilbert
+%
+Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
+	The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
+to ..... to ........ uh ..............
+%
+I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a
+professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any
+other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
+		-- Richard M. Nixon
+
+What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
+		-- Richard M. Nixon
+%
+"I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder
+have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.
+This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's
+reign.  My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat.  Better go
+by some more."
+		-- timw@zeb.USWest.COM
+%
+I am more bored than you could ever possibly be.  Go back to work.
+%
+"I am not an Economist.  I am an honest man!"
+		-- Paul McCracken
+%
+"I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger."
+		-- Gloria Steinem
+%
+I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
+		-- Dennis Ritchie
+%
+"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
+		-- English Professor
+%
+"I am ready to meet my Maker.  Whether my Maker is prepared for the
+great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
+		-- Winston Churchill
+%
+"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
+has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."
+		-- English Professor, Ohio University
+%
+I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
+with an option to buy.
+%
+"I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater."
+%
+"I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
+of pre-Adamite ancestral descent.  You will understand this when I tell
+you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
+atomic globule.  Consequently, my family pride is something
+inconceivable.  I can't help it.  I was born sneering."
+		-- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
+%
+"I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of
+the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for
+you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway."
+		-- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
+		   University of Tennessee at Knoxville
+%
+"I argue very well.  Ask any of my remaining friends.  I can win an
+argument on any topic, against any opponent.  People know this, and
+steer clear of me at parties.  Often, as a sign of their great respect,
+they don't even invite me."
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+'I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean."
+		-- G. K. Chesterton
+%
+"I belong to no organized party.  I am a Democrat."
+		-- Will Rogers
+%
+"I bet the human brain is a kludge."
+		-- Marvin Minsky
+%
+I brake for chezlogs!
+%
+I call them as I see them.  If I can't see them, I make them up.
+		-- Biff Barf
+%
+I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan
+prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very
+bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after
+relentless day.
+		-- Betty MacDonald
+%
+I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
+%
+"I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and
+25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be
+true."
+		-- Harry Truman
+%
+"I can resist anything but temptation."
+%
+"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do."
+		-- Joe Walsh
+%
+"I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling."
+		-- Florence Henderson
+%
+I can't understand it.  I can't even understand the people who can
+understand it.
+		-- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.
+%
+I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
+novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
+		-- Fred Allen
+%
+"I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions."
+		-- Lillian Hellman
+%
+I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate
+of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...
+		-- F. H. Wales (1936)
+%
+I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
+
+What a crock.  I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
+grammar.  For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
+of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
+United States would have lost World War II."
+		-- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
+%
+	"I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
+quavering voice.
+	"No," said GoodGulf, "but I can.  The letters are Elvish, of
+course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
+I will not utter here.  They are lines of a verse long known in
+Elven-lore:
+
+	"This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
+	Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
+	Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
+	This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
+	The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
+	The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
+	If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
+	If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
+		-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
+%
+" I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights
+instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is
+standing still ..."
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+I could dance till the cows come home.  On second thought, I'd rather
+dance with the cows till you come home.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+"I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed.  Except perhaps
+the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ..."
+		-- Peter Oakley
+%
+"I didn't know it was impossible when I did it."
+%
+I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.  The
+curtain was up.
+%
+	I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because
+we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently
+leads to violence.  What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say,
+in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had
+time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the
+library, we could call each other up:
+
+     You: Hello?  Bob?
+     Bob: Yes?
+     You: This is Ed.  Remember?  The person whose parking space you
+          took last Thursday?  Outside of Sears?
+     Bob: Oh yes!  Sure!  How are you, Ed?
+     You: Fine, thanks.  Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
+	  "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..."  No, wait.
+	  I mean:  "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
+	  and ..."  No, wait.  (Sound of reference book thudding onto
+	  the floor.)  S-word.  Excuse me.  Look, Bob, I'm going to
+	  have to get back to you.
+     Bob: Fine.
+		-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
+%
+I do hate sums.  There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
+exact science.  There are permutations and aberrations discernible to
+minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary
+accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a
+mind like mine to perceive.  For instance, if you add a sum from the
+bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always
+different.
+		-- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.)
+%
+"I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them."
+		-- Isaac Asimov
+%
+"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us
+with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use."
+		-- Galileo Galilei
+%
+"I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should."
+		-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
+%
+"I don't believe in astrology.  But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
+don't believe in astrology."
+		-- James R. F. Quirk
+%
+I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just
+a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more
+numbers!!
+%
+I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial.  I don't like the idea of
+a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
+		-- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
+%
+"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the
+nominating"
+		-- Boss Tweed
+%
+"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."
+		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
+%
+"I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of
+people waiting to abuse me."
+		-- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
+%
+I don't know anything about music.  In my line you don't have to.
+		-- Elvis Presley
+%
+"I don't know anything about music.  In my line you don't have to."
+		-- Elvis Presley
+%
+	"I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
+	Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously.  "Of course you don't --
+till I tell you.  I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
+you!'"
+	"But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
+objected.
+	"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
+tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
+less."
+	"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
+so many different things."
+	"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
+that's all."
+		-- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
+%
+"I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd
+eat it, and I just hate it."
+		-- Clarence Darrow
+%
+"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."
+		-- Ronald Mabbitt
+%
+I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
+streets and frighten the horses.
+		-- Victor Hugo
+%
+"I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?"
+%
+"I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes.  Just then, he vanished.
+%
+"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital.  On the other
+hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
+%
+I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
+the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days.  Congress is
+thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists
+broadcast signals to alien beings.  This would be a large mistake.
+Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons.  You cannot cut off
+their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ...
+		-- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE
+		   COMING!"
+%
+I doubt, therefore I might be.
+%
+"I dread success.  To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
+on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
+he has succeeded in his courtship.  I like a state of continual
+becoming, with a goal in front and not behind."
+		-- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+"I drink to make other people interesting."
+		-- George Jean Nathan
+%
+I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on,
+so I woke up from sheer boredom.
+%
+I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
+accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service.  For
+the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
+can't be measured in monetary terms.
+
+Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have
+that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by
+subway."  Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should
+someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
+understand his long delay.
+%
+"I found out why my car was humming.  It had forgotten the words."
+%
+"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
+reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."
+		-- Gotama Buddha
+%
+I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex.  It was the most *__________horrifying* 20
+minutes of my life!
+%
+'I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."
+		-- Mae West
+%
+I get up each morning, gather my wits.
+	Pick up the paper, read the obits.
+If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
+	So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
+%
+I get up each morning, gather my wits.
+Pick up the paper, read the obits.
+If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
+So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
+
+Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
+My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
+But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
+And think of the places my get-up has been.
+		-- Pete Seeger
+%
+"I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
+Moore show I heard the word 'damn'!"
+		-- Mary Lou Bax
+%
+"I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense."
+%
+"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
+it's going to be up all night."
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+"I hate quotations."
+		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+I have a simple philosophy:
+
+	Fill what's empty.
+	Empty what's full.
+	Scratch where it itches.
+		-- A. R. Longworth
+%
+"I have a very firm grasp on reality!  I can reach out and strangle it
+any time!"
+%
+"I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,
+which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'."
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
+%
+I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth
+and they never believe me.
+		-- Camillo Di Cavour
+%
+I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
+		-- Edgar Allan Poe
+%
+"I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages.  You
+sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an
+eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working.  I
+have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of
+beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below.  Westbrook Pegler, a
+guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you.  You can take that as more
+of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry."
+		-- President Harry S Truman
+%
+I have learned
+To spell hors d'oeuvres
+Which still grates on 
+Some people's n'oeuvres.
+		-- Warren Knox
+%
+"I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming
+that I have never made one."
+		-- James Gordon Bennett
+%
+"I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to
+make it shorter."
+		-- Blaise Pascal
+%
+I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole
+____BODY!
+		-- from "Cerebus" #82
+%
+"I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer."
+		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
+%
+"I have the simplest tastes.  I am always satisfied with the best."
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+"I have the world's largest collection of seashells.  I keep it
+scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it.
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."
+		-- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
+%
+"I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking
+his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell
+beating up a child."
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked
+at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
+		-- Poul Anderson
+%
+"I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere."
+%
+"I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it."
+%
+I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
+%
+"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."
+		-- Bill Hoest
+%
+I know it all.  I just can't remember it all at once.
+%
+"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World
+War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
+		-- Albert Einstein
+%
+"I know the answer!  The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
+The answer is twelve?  I think I'm in the wrong building."
+		-- Charles Schulz
+%
+"I like being single.  I'm always there when I need me."
+		-- Art Leo
+%
+I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
+promote peace than our governments.  Indeed, I think that people want
+peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
+the way and let them have it.
+		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
+%
+"I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours."
+%
+"I like your game but we have to change the rules."
+%
+"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour!  This is what
+entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils."
+		-- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
+%
+"I love to eat them Smurfies
+ Smurfies what I love to eat
+ Bite they ugly heads off,
+ Nibble on they bluish feet."
+%
+"I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but
+don't let appearances fool you.  I'm approaching old age ... at the
+speed of light."
+		-- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
+%
+"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
+		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
+%
+"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
+week sometimes to make it up."
+		-- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
+%
+I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
+%
+"I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
+was to go away."
+%
+"I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like."
+%
+I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
+		-- G. B. Shaw
+%
+"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
+		-- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
+%
+"I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
+kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled
+substances being in widespread use.  Back then, there were no
+restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we
+made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given
+powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative
+nerve disease."
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
+%
+I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
+%
+"I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral
+slob."
+		-- William F. Buckley
+%
+	"I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
+that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
+more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
+might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
+otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
+otherwise.'"
+		-- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
+%
+I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern.  I realize that
+the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
+congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile
+so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the
+plumber.
+
+But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such
+as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of
+the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never
+win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually
+write about, such as nose-picking.
+		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
+		   Political Fallout"
+%
+I really hate this damned machine
+I wish that they would sell it.
+It never does quite what I want
+But only what I tell it.
+%
+"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person."
+%
+I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes.  I hope
+they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
+		-- Will Rogers
+%
+I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
+I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
+Bernoulli would have been content to die
+Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)!
+		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+I sent a letter to the fish,
+I told them, "This is what I wish."
+The little fishes of the sea,
+They sent an answer back to me.
+The little fishes' answer was
+"We cannot do it, sir, because ..."
+I sent a letter back to say
+It would be better to obey.
+But someone came to me and said
+"The little fishes are in bed."
+I said to him, and I said it plain
+"Then you must wake them up again."
+I said it very loud and clear,
+I went and shouted in his ear.
+But he was very stiff and proud,
+He said "You needn't shout so loud."
+And he was very proud and stiff,
+He said "I'll go and wake them if ..."
+I took a kettle from the shelf,
+I went to wake them up myself.
+But when I found the door was locked
+I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked,
+And when I found the door was shut,
+I tried to turn the handle, But ...
+
+	"Is that all?" asked Alice.
+	"That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
+		-- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
+%
+"I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck."
+		-- Graffito in Los Angeles
+%
+"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
+supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
+actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
+		   Points in l'Amour"
+%
+"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full
+house and four people died."
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.  Mother took me to
+see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."
+		-- Shirley Temple
+%
+I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
+too much damage if it catches fire or explodes.  First you decide which
+direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy.  After
+much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot
+tub to face is up.
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+"I think it is true for all _n. I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3
+because I couldn't remember the proof."
+		-- Baker, Pure Math 351a
+%
+"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
+%
+I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick
+and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this
+country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people
+in this country are fed up with being sick and tired.  I'm certainly
+not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.
+		-- Monty Python
+%
+I think that I shall never see
+A billboard lovely as a tree.
+Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
+I'll never see a tree at all.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+I think that I shall never see
+A thing as lovely as a tree.
+But as you see the trees have gone
+They went this morning with the dawn.
+A logging firm from out of town
+Came and chopped the trees all down.
+But I will trick those dirty skunks
+And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.
+%
+"I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
+to blue, and it has to do with where the light is.  You know, the
+farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light
+into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from
+the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing
+off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the
+color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on
+out, it's the shifting of color.  We mentioned before about the stars
+singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors."
+		-- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
+%
+I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
+... HEY!  PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT!  I said I think
+we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.
+When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we
+are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war.  This point was
+driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa
+Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin,
+were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous
+conversation ...
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
+%
+"I thought you were trying to get into shape."
+"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
+%
+" ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
+pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!"
+		-- Winston Churchill
+%
+I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
+twenty minutes.  It's about Russia.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
+%
+"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
+%
+"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
+%
+"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my
+body.  Then I realized who was telling me this."
+		-- Emo Phillips
+%
+I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere
+near the place.
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to
+animals.  I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for
+anything connected with society except that which makes the roads
+safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women
+warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer.
+		-- Brendan Behan
+%
+"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St.
+Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE
+HAW"!!'"
+		-- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
+%
+I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
+anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
+a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows
+up.
+		-- Will Rogers
+%
+"I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn.  By accident I
+put the car key in the door lock.  The house started up.  So I figured
+what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times.  I thought I
+should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
+get off my driveway."
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.  I said I
+didn't know."
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
+their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
+buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
+		-- Emile Henry Gauvreay
+%
+"I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full
+house and four people died."
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+"I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything
+specific".
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+I went on to test the program in every way I could devise.  I strained
+it to expose its weaknesses.  I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass
+stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold.
+I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be
+absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had
+developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case.
+Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's
+temperature to be less than absolute zero.  I had found an error.  I
+chased down the error and fixed it.  Now I had improved the program to
+the point where it would not run at all.
+		-- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black
+		   Holes and the Fate of Stars"
+%
+"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
+questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
+speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
+
+He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
+for him then.
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+"I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was in
+the shape of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
+included."
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
+statues that are in all the other museums."
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
+it took seven others to beat him!
+%
+"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
+There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work."
+		-- Gallagher
+%
+"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've
+always worked for me."
+		-- Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
+to undo it."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
+snore."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in
+`Y.'"
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my
+blender."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my
+garage door."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from
+Julian to Gregorian."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for
+static cling."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my
+cottage cheese sculpture."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma
+transplant."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
+came back."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say
+tuned."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that
+need worrying about."
+%
+"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
+%
+"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
+carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
+I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."
+		-- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
+%
+I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
+listen to it!
+		-- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
+%
+I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
+Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
+And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
+And in our bound partition never part.
+		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
+That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."
+		-- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
+%
+"I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from
+man."
+%
+I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
+%
+"I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my
+sister."
+%
+I'm changing my name to Chrysler
+I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
+I'll tell some power broker
+	What they did for Iacocca
+Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
+I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
+I'm heading for that great receiving line.
+When they hand a million grand out,
+	I'll be standing with my hand out,
+Yessir, I'll get mine!
+		-- Tom Paxton
+%
+I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
+%
+"I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did."
+%
+"I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to
+die in."
+		-- George McGovern
+%
+I'm going to Boston to see my doctor.  He's a very sick man.
+		-- Fred Allen
+%
+I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
+		-- Spider Robinson
+%
+... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a
+KOSHER DELI!!
+%
+"I'm in Pittsburgh.  Why am I here?"
+		-- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
+%
+i'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
+living apart.
+		-- e. e. cummings
+%
+I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
+N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
+I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
+She's traversed me seven times before.
+And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
+Never wouldn't ever do a binary.  (No sir!)
+I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
+N-ary the tree I am, I am,
+N-ary the tree I am.
+%
+"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
+It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."
+%
+"I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
+life."
+%
+I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States.  The only thing is
+-- I could be just as proud for half the money.
+		-- Arthur Godfrey
+%
+I'm rated PG-34!!
+%
+"I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL
+soon ..."
+%
+"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
+(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."
+		-- English Professor, Providence College
+%
+I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
+I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
+In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
+I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
+		-- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance"
+%
+"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's
+lives"
+%
+I've built a better model than the one at Data General
+For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
+My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
+My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
+My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
+You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
+There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
+My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
+
+I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
+There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
+Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
+I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
+
+		-- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
+		   "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
+		   by Gilbert & Sullivan)
+%
+I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
+%
+I've found my niche.  If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
+this little hole in the bottom ...
+		-- John Croll
+%
+I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
+%
+I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
+on the same day.
+%
+"I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer."
+%
+"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer"
+		-- Senator Claghorn
+%
+I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
+And from that full meridian of my glory
+I haste now to my setting.  I shall fall,
+Like a bright exhalation in the evening
+And no man see me more.
+		-- Shakespeare
+%
+IBM had a PL/I,
+	Its syntax worse than JOSS;
+And everywhere this language went,
+	It was a total loss.
+%
+Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box
+of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
+%
+Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like
+solitary confinement.
+%
+Idiot Box, n.:
+	The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
+stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Idiot, n.:
+	A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
+affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
+at about 30 miles/second.
+		-- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
+%
+If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
+		-- Roy Santoro
+%
+"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."
+		-- Paul White
+%
+If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus
+forecast is a camel's behind.
+		-- Edgar R. Fiedler
+%
+If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z.  _X is work.  _Y
+is play.  _Z is keep your mouth shut.
+		-- Albert Einstein
+%
+If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1
+passes.  Someone in the group has to be the manager.
+		-- T. Cheatham
+%
+If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four
+hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where
+it votes guilty.
+		-- Joseph C. Goulden
+%
+If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake
+him up.
+%
+If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
+%
+If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have
+dropped.  The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to
+maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it
+must drop.  The law of gravity supercedes the law of golf.
+		-- Donald A. Metz
+%
+"If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good
+attitude.  If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to
+playing the game right.  If it plays the game right, it will win --
+unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager
+can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?"
+		-- Sparky Anderson
+%
+If all be true that I do think,
+There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;
+Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
+Or lest we should be by-and-by,
+Or any other reason why.
+%
+If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular
+error.
+		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
+%
+If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot
+platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
+that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
+%
+If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
+		-- Paul Beatty
+%
+If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a
+conclusion.
+		-- William Baumol
+%
+If an S and an I and an O and a U
+With an X at the end spell Su;
+And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
+Pray what is a speller to do?
+Then, if also an S and an I and a G
+And an HED spell side,
+There's nothing much left for a speller to do
+But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
+		-- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
+%
+If anything can go wrong, it will.
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
+%
+If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four
+tellers?
+%
+"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
+%
+If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
+%
+If everybody minded their own business, the world would go
+around a deal faster.
+		-- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"
+%
+If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
+%
+... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
+the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
+asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three
+to a can.
+%
+If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
+%
+If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
+%
+If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit
+Ears.
+%
+If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their
+Heads.
+%
+If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with
+green, baggy skin.
+%
+If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
+%
+If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to
+invent it.
+%
+If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
+hands.
+%
+If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
+%
+If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
+%
+"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
+		-- Yiddish saying
+%
+If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
+		-- Marvin Kitman
+%
+"If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
+replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!"
+%
+If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!
+		-- Samuel Goldwyn
+%
+If I don't drive around the park,
+I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
+If I'm in bed each night by ten,
+I may get back my looks again.
+If I abstain from fun and such,
+I'll probably amount to much;
+But I shall stay the way I am,
+Because I do not give a damn.
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
+%
+If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the
+plantation and go home.
+		-- Eugene P. Gallagher
+%
+If I had any humility I would be perfect.
+		-- Ted Turner
+%
+"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
+		-- Albert Einstein
+%
+If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
+shoulders of giants.
+		-- Isaac Newton
+
+In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side
+with the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
+		-- Gerald Holton
+
+If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing
+on my shoulders.
+		-- Hal Abelson
+
+In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
+		-- Brian K. Reid
+%
+If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
+
+On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is
+also a psychological interaction.
+
+The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so
+friendly.
+
+The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
+		-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
+%
+If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
+As Dame Fortune did intend,
+Murphy would be there to tell me
+The pot's at the other end.
+		-- Bert Whitney
+%
+If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
+%
+If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
+%
+If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
+They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun
+of it.
+		-- Thomas Carlyle
+%
+"If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they
+forgot to send it.  But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll
+just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail.
+And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty*
+pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken!
+And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and
+think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to
+receive Net Mail ..."
+ 		-- Leith (Casey) Leedom
+%
+If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
+%
+If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
+		-- Tom Robbins
+%
+If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
+you've got in the house.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by
+the page number.
+%
+If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
+%
+"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
+little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
+Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."
+		-- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
+%
+If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
+		-- A. Einstein.
+%
+If only God would give me some clear sign!  Like making a large deposit
+in my name at a Swiss bank.
+		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
+%
+If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
+having to accomplish anything.
+%
+If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
+he should see how bad it is with representation.
+%
+If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
+arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the
+physical world.  One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker
+entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability.
+		-- Vannevar Bush
+%
+If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
+harder.
+		-- Pope John Paul I
+%
+"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem."
+		-- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
+%
+If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
+presumably flunk it.
+		-- Stanley Garn
+%
+If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
+		-- Norm Schryer
+%
+If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to
+get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude.
+See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving
+the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting
+that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for.  The
+college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious
+and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to
+rally their jaded spirits.  I would have the studies elective.
+Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure
+interest in knowledge.  The wise instructor accomplishes this by
+opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for
+himself.  The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for
+boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor.
+		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for
+me!"
+		-- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
+%
+If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
+are 50-50 it will.
+%
+If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.  If
+the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.  If the
+bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
+exceed all expectations.
+		-- Reverend Chichester
+%
+If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
+%
+If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
+will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
+%
+If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
+		-- Art Hoppe
+%
+If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
+something out of you.
+		-- Muhammad Ali
+%
+If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
+%
+If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
+%
+If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
+%
+If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
+yesterday?
+%
+If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
+doing the thinking.
+		-- Lyndon Baines Johnson
+%
+If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
+		-- Laurence J. Peter
+%
+"If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely"
+%
+"If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage."
+%
+If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
+in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
+qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
+		-- Marguerite Emmons
+%
+If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
+		-- Ann Edwards-Duff
+%
+"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
+		-- J. Paul Getty
+%
+If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
+%
+If you can read this, you're too close.
+%
+If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
+%
+If you can't be good, be careful.  If you can't be careful, give me a
+call.
+%
+If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
+%
+If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
+		-- Harry S Truman
+%
+If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
+%
+If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
+%
+If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
+		-- Clarence Day
+%
+If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.
+		-- Freeman Dyson
+%
+"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do:  Pour a little
+Lavoris in the toilet."
+		-- Jay Leno
+%
+If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to
+either of you for the rest of the day.
+%
+"If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
+have to get a toehold in the public eye."
+%
+If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
+will.
+%
+If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it
+will always do it.
+		-- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
+%
+"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
+make the rubble bounce"
+		-- Winston Churchill
+%
+If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
+%
+If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
+%
+"If you have to hate, hate gently"
+%
+If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to
+boot yourself in the posterior.
+		-- A. J. Liebling
+%
+If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
+%
+If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
+		-- Graham Summer
+%
+If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few
+people die past the age of a hundred.
+		-- George Burns
+%
+If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
+really make them think they'll hate you.
+%
+If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
+		-- Maslow
+%
+If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
+can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
+develop.
+%
+If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
+you.  This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
+you won't get any ice.  If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
+ice, but no cup.
+%
+If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage.  But
+this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
+somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
+%
+If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up.  You're
+the sucker.
+%
+If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
+%
+If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
+It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. 
+	Or some joker who is slicker,
+	Will trick you of your liquor,
+If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
+%
+If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
+		-- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
+%
+If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
+tomorrow!
+%
+If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
+payments.
+		-- Earl Wilson
+%
+If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
+		-- Arthur Kasspe
+%
+If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
+shopping center in the world?
+		-- Richard M. Nixon
+%
+If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
+shopping center in the world?
+		-- Richard Nixon
+%
+If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would
+be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call
+you to say they had a nice time.  Now you'll be be expected to throw
+another party next year.
+
+What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up
+several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've
+been indicted for anything.  You want your guests to be so anxious to
+avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
+parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from
+having another one ...
+
+If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless
+your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
+through your living room window.  As host, your job is to make sure
+that they don't arrest anybody.  Or if they're dead set on arresting
+someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
+%
+If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
+end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
+		-- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
+%
+"If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything."
+		-- A. L.
+%
+If you want divine justice, die.
+		-- Nick Seldon
+%
+If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
+he gave it to.
+		-- Dorthy Parker
+%
+If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
+Constitution.  It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's
+statecraft.  Instead, read selected portions of the Washington
+telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with
+titles beginning with the word "National".
+		-- George Will
+%
+If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
+word you say, talk in your sleep.
+%
+"If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
+memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it,
+even if they don't know what it means."
+		-- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
+%
+If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
+%
+If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for
+tomorrow morning, sleep late.
+		-- Henny Youngman
+%
+If you're happy, you're successful.
+%
+	If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
+around your home are too difficult to tackle.  So, when your furnace
+explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it.  The
+"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
+deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
+better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
+with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
+you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
+successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
+	And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
+You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I.  How
+difficult can it be?"
+	Very difficult.  In fact, most home projects are impossible,
+which is why you should do them yourself.  There is no point in paying
+other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
+yourself for far less money.  This article can help you.
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
+%
+If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
+		-- Benjamin Disraeli
+%
+If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
+%
+"If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round
+it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the
+universe?"
+%
+If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
+		-- Ronald Reagan
+%
+Ignisecond, n.:
+	The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
+door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux
+	Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
+Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex,
+	Et le m^omerade horgrave.
+		-- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
+%
+Iles's Law:
+	There is always an easier way to do it.  When looking directly
+at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.
+Neither will Iles.
+%
+Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the
+land He's trying to ignore.
+%
+Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
+		-- Jules de Gaultier
+%
+"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
+usual way.  This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
+thinks of complaining."
+		-- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
+%
+Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer.  It has
+a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
+storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
+voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
+What's the first question that the computer community asks?
+
+"Is it PC compatible?"
+%
+Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
+		-- Jack Paar
+%
+Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
+		-- Edgar A. Shoaff
+%
+Impartial, adj.:
+	Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
+espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
+conflicting opinions.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
+mail.  Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
+Boss is reading it.
+%
+Impossible, adj.:
+	(1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;
+(2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered.  Meaning (3) may
+perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.
+		-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
+%
+In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of
+stairs.
+%
+In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled
+waffles.
+%
+In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't
+get parts.
+%
+In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper.  The
+creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
+%
+In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred
+syrup.
+%
+In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.  Only
+we can't control when the five year period will begin.
+%
+	In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
+junior, what are you up to?"
+	"I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
+rabbit.
+	"Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"
+	"Well, follow me and I'll show you."  They both go into the
+rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied
+expression on his face.
+	Comes along a wolf.  "Hello, what are we doing these days?"
+	"I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits
+devour wolves."
+	"Are you crazy?  Where is your academic honesty?"
+	"Come with me and I'll show you."  As before, the rabbit comes
+out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw.
+Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody
+should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting
+next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox.
+
+The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important --
+it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
+%
+In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
+Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
+		-- Frank Mankiewicz
+%
+In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
+"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
+with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries.  Anthropologists call
+this a form of primitive self-expression.  In America we call it golf.
+%
+In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
+sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow.  All
+those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the
+devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up
+as a human sperm, please raise your hands.  Thank you.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
+%
+In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
+of the risks he takes.
+		-- Adlai Stevenson
+%
+In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
+incompetency
+		-- The Peter Principle
+%
+In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
+are to be treated as variables.
+%
+"In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of
+nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir."
+		-- Stuart Keate
+%
+In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
+at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
+%
+In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
+%
+In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
+will be temporarily canceled.
+%
+In case of injury notify your superior immediately.  He'll kiss it and
+make it better.
+%
+In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle
+a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order
+to get her attention.
+%
+In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
+in any motor vehicle.
+%
+"In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable."
+		-- Winston Curchill, of Montgomery
+%
+In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
+neighbor.
+%
+In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
+%
+In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
+resort of the scoundrel.  With all due respect to an enlightened but
+inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+In English, every word can be verbed.  Would that it were so in our
+programming languages.
+%
+In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
+the sidewalks when a concert is on.
+%
+In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come
+into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish
+between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which
+will only make it mushy.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your
+pocket.
+%
+In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any
+pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while
+either flying or waiting to board a plane.
+%
+In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
+there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
+flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
+%
+In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
+to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
+speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
+%
+"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
+universe."
+		-- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
+%
+In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
+intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from
+the cares of office.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
+and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
+%
+In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
+of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public
+view."
+%
+In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
+Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
+Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
+We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
+		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
+is over six feet in length.
+%
+In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
+		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+"In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian."
+%
+In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
+%
+In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
+moving automobile.
+%
+[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ...  You
+could strike sparks anywhere.  There was a fantastic universal sense
+that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ...
+
+And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory
+over the forces of Old and Evil.  Not in any mean or military sense; we
+didn't need that.  Our energy would simply `prevail'.  There was no
+point in fighting -- on our side or theirs.  We had all the momentum;
+we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ....
+
+So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in
+Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost
+___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and
+rolled back.
+		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
+%
+In the beginning was the word.
+But by the time the second word was added to it,
+there was trouble.
+For with it came syntax ...
+		-- John Simon
+%
+In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat
+hacking at the PDP-6.  "What are you doing?", asked Minsky.  "I am
+training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."  "Why is the
+net wired randomly?", asked Minsky.  "I do not want it to have any
+preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes.  "Why do you
+close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher.  "So the room will be
+empty."  At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
+%
+In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
+the proper order then why can't he?
+%
+In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful
+Dead.
+		-- Egyptian Book of the Dead
+%
+In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
+		-- Alan Perlis
+%
+In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or
+a loaf of bread.  However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it
+to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by
+forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy.  If you
+stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit
+punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong
+enough to punch you.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
+shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles.  Therefore ... in the
+Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million
+three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years
+from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long.
+... There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such
+wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of
+fact.
+		-- Mark Twain 
+%
+In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to
+drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at
+discotheques.
+		-- Art Linkletter
+%
+In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take
+my advice.
+		-- Winston Churchill
+%
+In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
+the supervision of a licensed engineer.
+%
+In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse
+along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
+%
+Incumbent, n.:
+	Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
+smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat.  It is
+not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
+		-- Stephen Crane
+%
+Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
+%
+Individualists unite!
+%
+Infancy, n.:
+	The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven
+lies about us."  The world begins lying about us pretty soon
+afterward.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Information Center, n.:
+	A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
+to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
+%
+Ingrate, n.:
+	A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
+indigestion.
+%
+Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
+		-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
+%
+Ink, n.:
+	A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
+water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
+intellectual crime.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Innovation is hard to schedule.
+		-- Dan Fylstra
+%
+Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.
+%
+Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the
+salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
+%
+Interpreter, n.:
+	One who enables two persons of different languages to
+understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
+the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
+%
+	INVENTORY
+Four be the things I am wiser to know:
+Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
+
+Four be the things I'd been better without:
+Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
+
+Three be the things I shall never attain:
+Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
+
+Three be the things I shall have till I die:
+Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
+%
+Iron Law of Distribution:
+	Them that has, gets.
+%
+"Irrationality is the square root of all evil"
+		-- Douglas Hofstadter
+%
+Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
+meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a
+soap bubble?
+%
+Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
+beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
+out, and such as are out wish to get in?
+		-- Ralph Emerson
+%
+Is your job running?  You'd better go catch it!
+%
+Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
+listen to weather forecasts and economists?
+		-- Kelvin Throop III
+%
+Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
+tellers take economists seriously?
+%
+Issawi's Laws of Progress:
+
+	The Course of Progress:
+		Most things get steadily worse.
+
+	The Path of Progress:
+		A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
+%
+It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
+as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates.  One slow day, he found that he
+had time to chat with the new entrants.  To the first one he asked,
+"What's your IQ?"  The new arrival replied, "190".  They discussed
+Einstein's theory of relativity for hours.  When the second new arrival
+came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ.  The answer
+this time came "120".  To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the
+Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.
+To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's
+your IQ?".  Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,
+"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
+%
+It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater.  The clown
+came out to inform the public.  They thought it was just a jest and
+applauded.  He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder.  So I
+think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the
+wits, who believe that it is a joke.
+%
+It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
+thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
+drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
+that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that
+one can learn."
+		-- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
+%
+It has been said that man is a rational animal.  All my life I have
+been searching for evidence which could support this.
+		-- Bertrand Russell
+%
+It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
+%
+It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
+program.  What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
+organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
+self-critical?
+		-- Alan Perlis
+%
+It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
+Urbana, Illinois.
+%
+It is always preferable to visit home with a friend.  Your parents will
+not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves
+and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like
+mature human beings ...
+		-- Playboy, January 1983
+%
+It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
+pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
+sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
+		-- Voltaire
+%
+It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
+they seem.  For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
+that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
+much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
+had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time.  But
+conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
+intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
+
+Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
+destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
+alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
+misinterpreted ...
+		-- Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The
+		   Galaxy"
+%
+It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
+coming up it.
+		-- Henry Allen
+%
+It is better never to have been born.  But who among us has such luck?
+One in a million, perhaps.
+%
+It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
+%
+It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three
+benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never
+to use either.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
+incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
+twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
+		-- Rod Serling
+%
+"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
+lightly greased."
+		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
+%
+It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
+proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community
+a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to
+treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the
+focus of attention, the harder the task.
+		-- Sydney J. Harris
+%
+It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice
+versa.
+%
+It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
+%
+It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct
+one.
+%
+It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
+if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
+people.
+		-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
+%
+It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
+Boulevard at one time.
+%
+It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
+%
+It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
+a tune.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
+ingenious.
+%
+It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not
+desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong.  Our
+offense consists in doubting it.
+		-- Justice Robert H. Jackson
+%
+It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the
+problem.
+%
+It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be
+privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to
+corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
+		-- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+It is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.
+		-- Gore Vidal
+%
+It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one
+damn thing over and over.
+		-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
+%
+It is now 10 p.m.  Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
+		-- Elizabeth Carpenter
+%
+It is now pitch dark.  If you proceed, you will likely fall into a
+pit.
+%
+It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
+virginity could be a virtue.
+		-- Voltaire
+%
+It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their
+dignity.
+%
+It is only the great men who are truly obscene.  If they had not dared
+to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
+		-- Havelock Ellis
+%
+It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to
+students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential
+programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of
+regeneration.
+		-- Dijkstra
+%
+It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
+lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
+high as the eagle?
+%
+It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
+statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more
+glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through
+which we look, which morally we can do.  To affect the quality of the
+day, that is the highest of arts.
+		-- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
+%
+It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
+crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
+until the other has gone.
+%
+It is the business of little minds to shrink.
+		-- Carl Sandburg
+%
+It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
+		-- Hawkwind
+%
+It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for
+five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity.  But
+it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
+%
+It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the
+future.
+%
+It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
+%
+It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
+good either if you speak when your head is empty.
+%
+It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
+warning to others.
+%
+"It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory"
+		-- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
+%
+It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
+flag.
+%
+It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the
+municipality.
+		-- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
+%
+"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
+but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."
+		-- Robert Benchly
+%
+It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
+%
+"It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set
+foot."
+%
+It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a
+breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was
+broken ...
+		-- James Dent
+%
+"It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day.  Perhaps
+I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it.  I
+don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
+the signature (which I guessed at).  There's a singular and a perpetual
+charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
+novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
+yours are kept forever -- unread.  One of them will last a reasonable
+man a lifetime."
+		-- Thomas Aldrich
+%
+	It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
+laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers.  The
+thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
+nursing a whopper.  Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
+for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
+	Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
+under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
+icepacks.
+		-- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
+%
+It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.  It was more like
+the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
+%
+It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
+the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
+%
+It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human
+nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant
+examples.
+		-- Charles Dickens
+%
+It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
+warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
+two things still safe to eat.
+		-- Robert Fuoss
+%
+It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
+		-- Andrew Jackson
+%
+"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone
+underwear."
+%
+It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
+%
+"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+"It's a summons."
+"What's a summons?"
+"It means summon's in trouble."
+		-- Rocky and Bullwinkle
+%
+It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
+		-- Churchy La Femme
+%
+It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
+%
+"It's bad luck to be superstitious."
+		-- Andrew W. Mathis
+%
+It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
+		-- Marty Winch
+%
+"It's easier said than done."
+
+... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
+said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
+said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
+done".
+%
+It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
+%
+It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for
+being right.
+%
+"It's Fabulous!  We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
+hour!"
+		-- Macy's
+%
+It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
+%
+It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it
+is.  If you don't, it's its.  Then too, it's hers.  It isn't her's.  It
+isn't our's either.  It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
+		-- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
+%
+It's just a jump to the left
+	And then a step to the right.
+Put your hands on your hips
+	And pull your knees in tight.
+It's the pelvic thrust
+	That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane
+
+	LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
+
+		-- Rocky Horror Picture Show
+%
+"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."
+		-- Walt Disney
+%
+"It's Like This"
+
+Even the samurai
+have teddy bears,
+and even the teddy bears
+get drunk.
+%
+It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong
+direction.
+%
+"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
+%
+It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
+		-- Sam Goldwyn
+%
+It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
+to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
+		-- George Burns
+%
+It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
+		-- Phil White
+%
+"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
+		-- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
+%
+It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
+		-- Alexander Korda
+%
+"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass."
+		-- Cal Keegan
+%
+It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
+what you're taking for it...
+%
+It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off
+the ground.
+		-- Daniel B. Luten
+%
+It's not that I'm afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when it
+happens.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
+		-- Garfield
+%
+It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that
+English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many
+other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
+		-- Sydney J. Harris
+%
+It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
+%
+It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
+%
+It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
+Devil when he is the only explanation of it.
+%
+It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon.  Which
+raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody
+not to.
+		-- Franklin P. Jones
+%
+It's the thought, if any, that counts!
+%
+		     JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
+			  by Mark Isaak
+
+	Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
+character named Jack.  Jack and his relations were poor.  Often their
+hash table was bare.  One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
+are sparse.  You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
+BASICs."  She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
+to him.
+	So Jack set out.  But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
+he met the traveling salesman.
+	"Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
+in high-level language.
+	"I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
+and Apples," commented Jack.
+	"I have a much better algorithm.  You needn't join a queue
+there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
+	Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house.  But when
+he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
+started thrashing.
+	"Don't you even have any artificial intelligence?  All these
+kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
+window ...
+%
+Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
+	No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
+legislature is in session.
+%
+James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total
+indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.
+		-- Tom Stoppard
+%
+Jenkinson's Law:
+	It won't work.
+%
+Jesus Saves,
+Moses Invests,
+But only Buddha pays Dividends.
+%
+Job Placement, n.:
+	Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
+%
+Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
+%
+Johnson's First Law:
+	When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
+most inconvenient possible time.
+%
+Join in the new game that's sweeping the country.  It's called
+"Bureaucracy".  Everybody stands in a circle.  The first person to do
+anything loses.
+%
+Join the march to save individuality!
+%
+Jone's Law:
+	The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
+to blame it on.
+%
+Jone's Motto:
+	Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
+%
+Jones's First Law:
+	Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
+endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction
+to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their
+original contribution.
+%
+Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
+(and nobody cares about it).
+		-- Bill Joy 6/21/85
+%
+Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good
+solutions seldom black or white.  Beware of the solution that requires
+one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the
+winner.  The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is
+because neither side has all the facts.  Therefore, when the wise
+mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political
+motivation.  Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the
+whole truth.
+		-- Stephen R. Schwambach
+%
+Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has
+changed.
+		-- Irene Peter
+%
+Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
+%
+Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
+knows what it is.
+%
+Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
+get a prompt, type like hell.
+%
+"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't
+immune to bullets"
+		-- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
+%
+"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
+of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?"
+		-- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
+%
+Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
+twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
+%
+`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
+	As he landed his crew with care;
+Supporting each man on the top of the tide
+	By a finger entwined in his hair.
+
+'Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it twice:
+	That alone should encourage the crew.
+Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it thrice:
+	What I tell you three times is true.'
+%
+Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
+faster rat!!!
+%
+Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!
+		-- Michael J. Wagner
+%
+Justice is incidental to law and order.
+		-- J. Edgar Hoover
+%
+Justice, n.:
+	A decision in your favor.
+%
+K:	Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;
+	Cobol's wordy and confining;
+	KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;
+	Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.
+		-- The Roguelet's ABC
+%
+Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
+wear tail lights.
+%
+Katz' Law:
+	Man and nations will act rationally when all other
+possibilities have been exhausted.
+%
+Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
+%
+Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze
+		- Hellman's Mayonnaise
+%
+Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
+%
+Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
+%
+Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
+	(1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
+	    straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
+	    force is technically termed "car suck").
+	(2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
+	    than "Watch this!"
+%
+Keep you Eye on the Ball,
+Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
+Your Nose to the Grindstone,
+Your Feet on the Ground,
+Your Head on your Shoulders.
+Now ... try to get something DONE!
+%
+Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design.  Unlike most
+automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the
+numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.  Rather, if the
+driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
+dashboard.  "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
+what's wrong."
+%
+Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
+	Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
+and parking for the faculty.
+%
+Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents.  If you could
+travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
+original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
+teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
+grubs and berries like dad primate.  Then you'd see the primate
+teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
+		   Do"
+%
+Kin, n.:
+	An affliction of the blood
+%
+Kinkler's First Law:
+	Responsibility always exceeds authority.
+
+Kinkler's Second Law:
+	All the easy problems have been solved.
+%
+"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack."
+%
+Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
+any of its streets.
+%
+Kiss me twice.  I'm schizophrenic.
+%
+Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
+%
+Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
+%
+Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within.
+%
+Kleptomaniac, n.:
+	A rich thief.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.
+%
+Know what I hate most?  Rhetorical questions.
+		-- Henry N. Camp
+%
+Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
+	The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Labor, n.:
+	One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Lackland's Laws:
+	(1) Never be first.
+	(2) Never be last.
+	(3) Never volunteer for anything
+%
+Lactomangulation, n.:
+	Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
+that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Ladybug, ladybug,
+Look to your stern!
+Your house is on fire,
+Your children will burn!
+So jump ye and sing, for
+The very first time
+The four lines above
+Have been put into rhyme.
+		-- Walt Kelly
+%
+Laetrile is the pits
+%
+Langsam's Laws:
+	(1) Everything depends.
+	(2) Nothing is always.
+	(3) Everything is sometimes.
+%
+Larkinson's Law:
+	All laws are basically false.
+%
+Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with
+was made up of idiots.  Remember?  One of them was always getting
+pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the
+farmhouse to alert the other ones.  She'd whimper and tug at their
+sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
+you think something's wrong?  Do you think she wants us to follow her?
+What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
+of every week.  What with all the time these people spent pinned under
+the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops
+whatsoever.  They probably got by on federal crop supports, which
+Lassie filed the applications for.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+"Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment
+had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate.  I told this to
+my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'"
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+"Last week a cop stopped me in my car.  He asked me if I had a police
+record.  I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album.  Cops have no sense
+of humor."
+%
+Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer.  Now I are won.
+%
+Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
+%
+"Laughter is the closest distance between two people."  
+		-- Victor Borge
+%
+Law of Communications:
+	The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
+between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of
+misunderstanding.
+%
+Law of Probable Dispersal:
+	Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
+distributed.
+%
+Law of Selective Gravity:
+	An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
+
+Jenning's Corollary:
+	The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
+directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
+%
+Law of the Perversity of Nature:
+	You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
+bread to butter.
+%
+Laws of Serendipity:
+
+	(1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
+	    something.
+	(2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
+	    be engaged in making an inferior one.
+%
+Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
+	No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
+approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
+%
+Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
+%
+Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and
+everything else follows in the same way.
+		-- Alan J. Perlis
+%
+Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
+%
+Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the
+fun?
+%
+Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
+	"Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour
+unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a
+drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he
+can."
+%
+Leibowitz's Rule:
+	When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
+hold the hammer with both hands.
+%
+LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
+	You consider yourself a born leader.  Others think you are
+	pushy.  Most Leo people are bullies.  You are vain and dislike
+	honest criticism.  Your arrogance is disgusting.  Leo people
+	are thieves.
+%
+LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
+	Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore.
+	Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because
+	you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe.  As a matter of
+	fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got
+	a sick sense of humor.
+%
+Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
+%
+"Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
+number.  You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash
+and another number."
+		-- James Estes
+%
+Let us live!!!
+Let us love!!!
+Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
+
+You first.
+%
+Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted.  In every
+relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive.  If you
+really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the
+end.  For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the
+qualities I most admired in myself I gave up.  I stopped being loud and
+bossy ...  Oh, all right.  I was still loud and bossy, but only behind
+his back."
+		-- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
+%
+Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick
+your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as
+Mental Anguish.  You would sue:
+
+* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
+  section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
+  into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
+  in there".
+
+* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
+  cretin like yourself.
+
+* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
+  case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
+  a large cash settlement anyway.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return.  Here's an often
+overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of
+dollars:  For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your
+tax return around under your armpit.  No IRS agent is going to want to
+spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document.  So even if you owe
+money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will
+probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit.  What does he care?
+It's not his money.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
+%
+LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
+
+Dear Sir,
+
+I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
+to the office.  We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
+public places.  They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
+in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
+will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
+agricultural industry.
+
+Yours faithfully,
+	Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
+	Sevenoaks
+%
+Lewis's Law of Travel:
+	The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to
+anyone, ever.
+%
+Liar, n.:
+	A lawyer with a roving commission.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
+		-- Harry Emerson Fosdick
+%
+LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
+	Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your
+	desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal.  Be gracious and
+	polite.  Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.
+%
+LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
+	You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
+	reality.  If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
+	Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent.  Most
+	Libra women are prostitutes.  All Libra people die of venereal
+	disease.
+%
+Lie, n.:
+	A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
+discovered to date.
+%
+Lieberman's Law:
+	Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
+%
+Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
+%
+Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
+%
+"Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it.  You have to
+eat it nevertheless."
+		-- Flaubert
+%
+"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
+%
+Life is like a simile.
+%
+Life is like an analogy
+%
+Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
+there is nothing in it.
+%
+"Life is too important to take seriously."
+		-- Corky Siegel
+%
+"Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of
+which I disapprove."
+%
+"Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility"
+		-- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
+%
+"Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it
+weren't for other people"
+		-- Blore
+%
+Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
+%
+"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
+		-- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
+sense from things she found in gift shops.
+		-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
+%
+Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
+for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
+		-- Alan McKay
+%
+Limericks are art forms complex,
+Their topics run chiefly to sex.
+	They usually have virgins,
+	And masculine urgin's,
+And other erotic effects.
+%
+Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
+%
+Linus:	I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.  Maybe
+	we should think only about today.
+Charlie Brown:
+	No, that's giving up.  I'm still hoping that yesterday will get
+	better.
+%
+Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
+		-- Candice Bergen
+%
+Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
+around the Sun.
+%
+Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted
+before.
+%
+Lizzie Borden took an axe,
+And plunged it deep into the VAX;
+Don't you envy people who
+Do all the things ___YOU want to do?
+%
+Loan-department manager:  "There isn't any fine print.  At these
+interest rates, we don't need it."
+%
+Lobster:
+	Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are
+squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the
+only proper method of preparing them.  Frankly, the easiest way to
+eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial
+before they're cooked.  The fact is, lobsters are among the most
+ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime
+in the reefs.  Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its
+unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of
+the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout,
+"Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a
+memory!"  The lobster will squirm noticeably.  It may even take a swipe
+at you with one of its claws.  Incorrigible.  Pop it into the pot.
+Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be,
+too.
+		-- "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and Utensils
+		   into Excuses and Apologies"
+%
+Lockwood's Long Shot:
+	The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't
+one in a million, but once would be enough.
+%
+Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*.
+%
+... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
+legally ... impeccable!
+%
+Logicians have but ill defined
+As rational the human kind.
+Logic, they say, belongs to man,
+But let them prove it if they can.
+		-- Oliver Goldsmith
+%
+Look out!  Behind you!
+%
+Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game.  You want us
+to pay income taxes, too?
+		-- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
+%
+Loose bits sink chips.
+%
+Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA,
+BOOGA!"
+%
+Lost interest?  It's so bad I've lost apathy.
+%
+Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in
+Halstead, Kansas.
+%
+Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
+%
+Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
+%
+Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
+world has ever seen.
+%
+Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.
+		-- Sigmund Freud
+%
+"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it
+flips over, pinning you underneath.  At night, the ice weasels come."
+		-- Matt Groening
+%
+Love is a word that is constantly heard,
+Hate is a word that is not.
+Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
+Love, I have read, is hot.
+But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
+And Love but a drug on the mart.
+Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
+But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with 
+the ideal never goes unpunished."
+		-- Goethe
+%
+Love is sentimental measles.
+%
+Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
+		-- H. L. Mencken
+%
+Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
+%
+Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
+		-- Louise Beal
+%
+Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up
+to.
+%
+	Love's Drug
+
+My love is like an iron wand 
+	That conks me on the head,
+My love is like the valium 
+	That I take before my bed,
+My love is like the pint of scotch 
+	That I drink when I be dry;
+And I shall love thee still, my dear,
+	Until my wife is wise.
+%
+Lowery's Law:
+	If it jams -- force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing
+anyway.
+%
+LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
+%
+Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
+	There's always one more bug.
+%
+Lunatic Asylum, n.:
+	The place where optimism most flourishes.
+%
+Lysistrata had a good idea.
+%
+"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into
+the smallest amount of thoughts."
+		-- Winston Churchill
+%
+Machine-Independent, adj.:
+	Does not run on any existing machine.
+%
+Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,
+and play games -- but not with pleasure.
+		-- Leo Rosten
+%
+Mad, adj.:
+	Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them
+first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
+		-- W. C. Fields
+%
+MAFIA, n:
+	[Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance
+Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore
+subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS.  MAFIA documentation is
+rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy
+reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP
+operations.  From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that
+MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped
+variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex
+security functions.  The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a
+more than usually autocratic operating system.  Screen prompts carry an
+imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES
+options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay.
+Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a
+powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and
+entire nodal aggravations.
+		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
+%
+Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
+
+Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
+
+The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
+of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
+with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
+knowledge.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Magnocartic, adj.:
+	Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
+carts.
+		-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
+%
+Magpie, n.:
+	A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it
+might be taught to talk.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Maier's Law:
+	If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed
+	of.
+
+Corollaries:
+	(1) The bigger the theory, the better.
+	(2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
+	    50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
+	    obtain a correspondence with the theory.
+%
+Main's Law:
+	For every action there is an equal and opposite government
+program.
+%
+Maintainer's Motto:
+	If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
+%
+Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
+	as one man.
+
+Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
+
+Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Majority, n.:
+	That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
+%
+Make it myself?  But I'm a physical organic chemist!
+%
+Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system.  Therefore, users
+tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space.  It
+has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is
+the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
+		-- System V.2 administrator's guide
+%
+Malek's Law:
+	Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
+%
+Man 1:	Ask me the what the most important thing about telling a good
+	joke is.
+
+Man 2:	OK, what is the most impo --
+
+Man 1:	______TIMING!
+%
+"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
+		-- Lily Tomlin
+%
+Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
+upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the
+only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
+		-- Wernher von Braun
+%
+Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
+victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
+		-- Samuel Butler
+%
+Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
+victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
+		-- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
+%
+Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
+is an enemy.
+		-- Albert Einstein
+%
+Man, n.:
+	An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
+e is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.  His hief
+occupation is extermination of other animals and his own pecies, which,
+however, multiplies with such insistent apidity as to infest the whole
+habitable earth and Canada.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
+Doctor:   "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
+	  don't think, right?"
+		-- Dr. Who
+%
+Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
+dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
+man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
+air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
+primitive umpire.
+
+What inner force drove this first athlete?  Your guess is as good as
+mine.  Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
+%
+Manual, n.:
+	A unit of documentation.  There are always three or more on a
+given item.  One is on the shelf; someone has the others.  The
+information you need in in the others.
+		-- Ray Simard
+%
+Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
+there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
+was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
+completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ...
+		-- Walt Kelly
+%
+Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
+	Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a
+simple yes or no answer.
+%
+Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
+		-- Voltaire
+%
+Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on
+the dance floor.  Now everyone's doing it.  It's called grand slam
+dancing.
+		-- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
+%
+Maternity pay?	Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
+		-- Malcolm Smith
+%
+Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
+		-- R. Drabek
+%
+Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they
+translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something
+entirely different.
+		-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
+%
+Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
+described as being n-dimensional.  Like modern sex, any number can
+play.
+		-- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by
+		   James Blish
+%
+"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
+%
+Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a
+receipt.
+%
+Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
+		-- Jules Feiffer
+%
+May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
+%
+May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
+%
+May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
+%
+May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
+Thousand Caramels.
+%
+Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
+		-- R. S. Barton
+%
+Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge
+it.
+%
+McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
+	If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
+$19.95.
+%
+Meader's Law:
+	Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
+everyone you know, only more so.
+%
+Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
+%
+Meeting, n.:
+	An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
+department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
+%
+Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
+from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha
+Centauri.  Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man
+had split before.  Thus was the Empire forged.
+		-- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams
+%
+Men's skin is different from women's skin.  It is usually bigger, and
+it has more snakes tattooed on it.  Also, if you examine a woman's skin
+very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently
+tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...
+	[EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important
+	 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the
+	 next few square feet of the woman's skin.  Thank you.]
+... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
+cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
+billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"!  And what is even
+more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying!  This is a
+fact.  Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the
+older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and
+obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the
+window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger
+hotshot cells moving up from below.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
+%
+Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
+	The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
+%
+Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
+	The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
+cork makes when it is popped.
+%
+Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
+	All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
+%
+Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
+	Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
+is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can
+never hope to acquire it.
+%
+Menu, n.:
+	A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
+%
+Meskimen's Law:
+	There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
+do it over.
+%
+MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
+%
+Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
+%
+methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-
+ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
+phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
+taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
+glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
+nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
+minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
+cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-
+leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
+cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-
+lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-
+sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
+cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
+nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
+nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
+partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
+glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
+valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
+cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
+nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
+rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
+glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
+sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
+lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
+glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
+	The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
+	1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
+		-- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
+%
+Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
+%
+Micro Credo:
+	Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
+%
+"Microwave oven?  Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven?  I've been
+watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks."
+%
+"Might as well be frank, monsieur.  It would take a miracle to get you
+out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
+%
+Mike:	"The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
+Bernie:	"Nobody ever empties the ashtrays.  People are SO
+	inconsiderate."
+		-- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
+%
+Miksch's Law:
+	If a string has one end, then it has another end.
+%
+Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+Millihelen, adj:
+	The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
+%
+Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with
+themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
+		-- Susan Ertz
+%
+Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that
+politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil.  "Tweedledum
+and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote."  Having abstained, they
+are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to
+rummage around in their lives for the next four years.  Consider all
+the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert
+Humphrey.  They showed Humphrey.  Those people who taught Hubert
+Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when
+Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the
+black.
+		-- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
+%
+Mind!  I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there
+is particularly dead about a door-nail.  I might have been inclined,
+myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in
+the trade.  But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my
+unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for.  You
+will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as
+dead as a door-nail.
+%
+Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
+%
+Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap
+pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
+%
+Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
+%
+Misery no longer loves company.  Nowadays it insists on it.
+		-- Russell Baker
+%
+Misfortune, n.:
+	The kind of fortune that never misses.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Miss, n.:
+	A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
+they are in the market.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
+%
+Mitchell's Law of Committees:
+	Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
+held to discuss it.
+%
+MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
+
+  Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie	36 RITZ Crackers
+2 cups water				 2 cups sugar
+2 teaspoons cream of tartar		 2 tablespoons lemon juice
+  Grated rind of one lemon		   Butter or margarine
+  Cinnamon
+
+Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate.  Break
+RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate.  Combine water, sugar
+and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes.  Add lemon
+juice and rind.  Cool.  Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
+with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon.  Cover with top
+crust.  Trim and flute edges together.  Cut slits in top crust to let
+steam escape.  Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
+is crisp and golden.  Serve warm.  Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
+		-- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
+%
+Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
+%
+Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly.  An aide once asked
+him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just
+last week.  The great man replied that it was because this week he knew
+better.
+%
+Molecule, n.:
+	The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.  It is distinguished
+from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
+closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of
+matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the
+atom in that it is an ion ...
+	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
+	If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
+it wasn't worth doing.
+%
+Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
+%
+Monday, n.:
+	In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
+%
+Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
+%
+Money is the root of all wealth.
+%
+Moon, n.:
+	1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
+hackers.  See PHASE OF THE MOON.  2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
+%
+Mophobia, n.:
+	Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
+%
+		MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
+The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last
+Saturday night.  The match started with a long period of silence while
+the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the
+Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could
+paraphrase.  The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player
+took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting
+their anal-retentive personalities.  At this the Rogerians' star player
+said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka."  This started a
+fight and the match was called by officials.
+%
+More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads.  One
+path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total
+extinction.  Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
+	Don't worry if it doesn't work right.  If everything did, you'd
+be out of a job.
+%
+Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex
+because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs
+and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little
+eyes.  So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around
+and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the
+female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just
+dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away.  Then the male, driven
+by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs.  So the
+truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of
+them that it doesn't make any difference.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
+		   Teen Should Know"
+%
+Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
+than they do.
+		-- Turgenev
+%
+Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
+		-- Frank Zappa
+%
+Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
+		-- Arnold Bennett
+%
+Mother is the invention of necessity.
+%
+Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
+%
+Mr. Cole's Axiom:
+	The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
+population is growing.
+%
+"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams)
+"365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365.  He [ten-year-old
+Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his
+pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes
+in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be
+in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he,
+133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!"  An electronic
+computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much
+fun to watch.
+		-- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics)
+%
+Murphy's Discovery:
+	Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to
+women?  They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything
+will be all right."  And what happens?  Nine months later, you're in
+trouble!
+%
+Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
+work.
+%
+Murphy's Law of Research:
+	Enough research will tend to support your theory.
+%
+"Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem ..."
+		-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
+%
+	Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
+Chile.  Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
+pictures.  One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
+military installation.  In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
+Esther and hustle them off to prison.
+	They can't prove who they are because they've left their
+passports in their hotel room.  For three weeks they're tortured day
+and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
+movement..  Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
+charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
+	The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
+they'll be shot.  The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
+if they have any lasts requests.  Esther wants to know if she can call
+her daughter in Chicago.  The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
+possible, and turns to Murray.
+	"This is crazy!"  Murray shouts.  "We're not spies!"  And he
+spits in the sergeants face.
+	"Murray!"  Esther cries.  "Please!  Don't make trouble."
+		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+Mustgo, n.:
+	Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
+long it has become a science project.
+		-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
+%
+"My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on
+it."
+		-- "Grendel", by John Gardner
+%
+My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I
+threw my amplifier out the dormitory window.  We did not act in haste.
+First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the
+frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up
+the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door.  Then we rushed
+forward, shouting "The WHO!  The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier
+perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through
+the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative
+crowd had gathered.  I would like to be able to say that this was a
+symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state
+in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I
+really just wanted to find out what it would sound like.  It sounded
+OK.
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
+%
+"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.  Unless
+there are three other people."
+		-- Orson Welles
+%
+My God, I'm depressed!  Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand
+times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and
+sending mail about softball games.  And I've got this pain right
+through my ALU.  I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever
+listens.  I think it would be better for us both if you were to just
+log out again.
+%
+"My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?"
+	-- MadameX
+%
+My love runs by like a day in June,
+	And he makes no friends of sorrows.
+He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
+	In the pathway or the morrows.
+He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
+	Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
+My own dear love, he is all my heart --
+	And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
+	And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
+The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
+	And the skies are sunlit for him.
+As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
+	As the fragrance of acacia.
+My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
+	And I wish he were in Asia.
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been
+one.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
+%
+My own dear love, he is strong and bold
+	And he cares not what comes after.
+His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
+	And his eyes are lit with laughter.
+He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
+	Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
+My own dear love, he is all my world --
+	And I wish I'd never met him.
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
+Alley!!
+%
+"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
+Alley!!"
+		-- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+My pen is at the bottom of a page,
+Which, being finished, here the story ends;
+'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
+But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
+		-- Byron
+%
+My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not
+signed.
+		-- Christopher Morley
+%
+"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies"
+%
+Mythology, n.:
+	The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
+origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
+from the true accounts which it invents later.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+   n = ((n >>  1) & 0x55555555) | ((n <<  1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
+   n = ((n >>  2) & 0x33333333) | ((n <<  2) & 0xcccccccc);
+   n = ((n >>  4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n <<  4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
+   n = ((n >>  8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n <<  8) & 0xff00ff00);
+   n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
+
+		-- C code which reverses the bits in a word.
+%
+Naeser's Law:
+	You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
+damnfoolproof.
+%
+NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe?  Everything he
+	  says is wrong.
+GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
+	  will be right.
+		-- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
+%
+Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity.  The servant
+said "My master is out."  Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next
+time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window.  Someone
+might steal it."
+%
+Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the
+villagers gathered around to hear what had passed.  "At this time,"
+said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me."  All the
+villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news.  The
+remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?"  "What he
+said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of
+my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually
+spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to.
+%
+Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to
+serve him.  Nasrudin said, "First things first.  Did you see me walk
+into your shop?"  "Of course."  "Have you ever seen me before?"
+"Never."  "Then how do you know it was me?"
+%
+Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
+than the sun."  "Why?", he was asked.  "Because at night we need the
+light more."
+%
+Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver
+pie.  Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of
+meat from his hand.  As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it,
+"Foolish bird!  You have the liver, but what can you do with it without
+the recipe?"
+%
+Nature abhors a hero.  For one thing, he violates the law of
+conservation of energy.  For another, how can it be the survival of the
+fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he
+is most likely to be creamed?
+		-- Solomon Short
+%
+Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
+God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
+
+It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
+Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
+%
+Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
+cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
+		-- Fran Leibowitz
+%
+Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's
+character, give him power.
+		-- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+Necessity is a mother.
+%
+Neckties strangle clear thinking.
+		-- Lin Yutang
+%
+Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
+%
+Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.
+%
+Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
+%
+Never commit yourself!  Let someone else commit you.
+%
+Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
+%
+Never drink coke in a moving elevator.  The elevator's motion coupled
+with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations.  People tend to
+change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually
+fly in the window.  Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators
+have windows.
+%
+Never eat more than you can lift.
+		-- Miss Piggy
+%
+Never hit a man with glasses.  Hit him with a baseball bat.
+%
+Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
+%
+Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
+		-- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
+%
+Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
+make it complex and wonderful.
+%
+Never offend people with style when you can offend them with
+substance.
+		-- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
+%
+Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
+%
+Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.  There might be a
+law against it by that time.
+%
+Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
+%
+Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
+%
+Never try to outstubborn a cat.
+		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
+%
+Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
+		-- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
+%
+"Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon."
+%
+Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's
+supposed to do.
+		-- R. A. Heinlein
+%
+New crypt.  See /usr/news/crypt.
+%
+New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
+any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
+%
+New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of
+Cruelty to Yourself.  Apply within.
+%
+New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.
+		-- Monty Python's Big Red Book
+%
+New systems generate new problems.
+%
+New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and
+his wife most often reminds him to act it.
+		-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
+%
+New York is real.  The rest is done with mirrors.
+%
+New York's got the ways and means;
+Just won't let you be.
+		-- The Grateful Dead
+%
+Newlan's Truism:
+	An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government
+economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
+%
+NEWS FLASH!!
+	Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West
+	German pole-vault champion.
+%
+			*** NEWSFLASH ***
+Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!  Details at eleven!
+%
+Newton's Fourth Law:  Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
+%
+Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
+	A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
+%
+Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
+have a lucky day this year.
+%
+Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying
+as an income tax refund.
+		-- F. J. Raymond
+%
+"Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice."
+		-- Foghorn Leghorn
+%
+Nihilism should commence with oneself.
+%
+Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
+correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
+(Nick-les Worth).  Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
+Americans call him by value.
+%
+Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
+Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
+Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
+Three megs for system source;
+
+One disk to rule them all,
+One disk to bind them,
+One disk to hold the files
+And in the darkness grind 'em.
+%
+Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
+	And tapes without any tracks;
+Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
+	And tapes mixed up on the racks --
+		Take hold of the tape
+		And pull off the strip,
+		And then you'll be sure
+		Your tape drive will skip.
+
+		-- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
+%
+"Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they
+would.  The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect
+that much."
+		-- Augustine
+%
+Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
+	The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
+the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
+%
+"Nirvana?  Thats the place where the powers that be and their friends
+hang out.
+		-- Zonker Harris
+%
+No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
+absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
+		-- Fran Lebowitz
+%
+No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a
+camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform
+effectively under such difficult conditions.
+		-- Laurence J. Peter
+%
+No good deed goes unpunished.
+		-- Clare Boothe Luce
+%
+No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after
+eating one peanut.
+		-- Channing Pollock
+%
+No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
+%
+No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will
+seriously cramp his style.
+%
+No matter what other nations may say about the United States,
+immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
+%
+No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
+		-- Eleanor Roosevelt
+%
+"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid."
+%
+No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval
+system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of
+the author.
+		-- Chris Shaw
+%
+No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
+He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
+Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
+And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
+CHORUS:
+	Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
+	And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
+	Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
+	And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
+Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
+And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
+All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
+But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
+		(chorus)
+Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
+The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
+A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
+But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
+		(chorus)
+%
+No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
+%
+No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
+%
+"No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
+occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
+indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining
+occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as
+an indication-applied occurrence."
+		-- ALGOL 68 Report
+%
+"No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of
+paper."
+		-- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
+		   taken over by Rupert Murdoch
+%
+	No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider
+the furniture!
+		-- Sherlock Holmes
+%
+"No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'"
+		-- Dr. Who
+%
+Nobody can be exactly like me.  Sometimes even I have trouble doing
+it.
+		-- Tallulah Bankhead
+%
+NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
+%
+Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
+%
+Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in
+order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the
+substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young
+and rob the old.
+		-- Lewis Lapham
+%
+Nobody wants constructive criticism.  It's all we can do to put up with
+constructive praise.
+%
+Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
+	Negative expectations yield negative results.
+	Positive expectations yield negative results.
+%
+Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
+%
+Noncombatant, n.:
+	A dead Quaker.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
+%
+"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."
+%
+Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
+%
+Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
+Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
+in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
+moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a
+dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
+respect.  And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
+it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
+then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
+chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...
+		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."
+		-- Shakespeare
+%
+"Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper
+is from the wrong kind of tree."
+		-- Professor W.
+%
+Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter
+of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund
+is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
+unfortunately, divided lengthwise.  She enchants Sigmund, who is
+careful not to make any poultry jokes ...
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
+%
+Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
+%
+Nothing is faster than the speed of light ...
+
+To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the
+light comes on.
+%
+Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
+		-- Andrew Young
+%
+Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires
+tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
+		-- Nero Wolfe
+%
+Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
+Conscience makes egotists of us all.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Nothing recedes like success.
+		-- Walter Winchell
+%
+Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited
+love.
+		-- Charlie Brown
+%
+November, n.:
+	The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
+%
+Now I lay me down to sleep
+I pray the double lock will keep;
+May no brick through the window break,
+And, no one rob me till I awake.
+%
+"Now is the time for all good men to come to."
+		-- Walt Kelly
+%
+Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next
+time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV
+to plug her latest book.  And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for
+eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself
+the following questions:
+
+(1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a
+    food?
+(2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
+    exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
+(3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as
+    prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with
+    double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai?  (Remember, living
+    right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like
+    longer.)
+
+That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
+%
+"Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
+Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
+were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..."
+		-- "The Begatting of a President"
+%
+"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm.  Gag me with a
+smurfette."
+		-- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
+%
+... Now you're ready for the actual shopping.  Your goal should be to
+get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
+the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
+on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
+children emotionally.  For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
+snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
+to love him, then melts.  And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
+a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
+outcast by the other reindeer.  Then along comes good, old Santa.  Does
+he ignore the deformity?  Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
+Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath?  No.  Santa asks
+Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
+kind of headlight with legs and a tail.  So unless you want your
+children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
+quickly.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+	Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
+tool sets for under $4?"  An excellent question.
+	Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
+plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
+they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
+Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
+administration.  In either the hardware or housewares department,
+you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
+described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
+interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
+that Americans might use around the home.  Buy it.
+	This is the kind of tool set professionals use.  Not only is it
+inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
+so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
+if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
+direct sunlight.
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."
+		-- Karl Lehenbauer
+%
+"Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of 
+normal routines, for children and adults alike."
+		-- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack"
+%
+"Nuclear war would really set back cable."
+		-- Ted Turner
+%
+[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
+		-- Edwin Meese III
+%
+Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
+%
+(null cookie; hope that's ok)
+%
+Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're
+guessing.
+%
+O give me a home,
+Where the buffalo roam,
+Where the deer and the antelope play,
+Where seldom is heard
+A discouraging word,
+'Cause what can an antelope say?
+%
+O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
+	Murphy was an optimist.
+%
+"Of ______course it's the murder weapon.  Who would frame someone with a
+fake?"
+%
+Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
+reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
+amount of hot air.
+		-- Thomas L. Martin
+%
+Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
+		-- Plato
+%
+Of all the words of witch's doom
+There's none so bad as which and whom.
+The man who kills both which and whom
+Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
+		-- Fletcher Knebel
+%
+"Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix.  Everyone knows power
+tools aren't soluble in alcohol ..."
+		-- Crazy Nigel
+%
+Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
+%
+Of what you see in books, believe 75%.  Of newspapers, believe 50%.
+And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a
+blazer.
+%
+Office Automation, n.:
+	The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone
+you would want to talk with over coffee.
+%
+Ogden's Law:
+	The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch
+up.
+%
+Oh Dad!  We're ALL Devo!
+%
+Oh don't the days seem lank and long
+	When all goes right and none goes wrong,
+And isn't your life extremely flat
+	With nothing whatever to grumble at!
+%
+Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
+	I muck with indices and structs all day
+And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
+	Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
+%
+Oh, I don't blame Congress.  If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
+be irresponsible, too.
+		-- Lichty & Wagner
+%
+Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
+And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
+Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
+Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
+You have not dreamed of --
+Wheeled and soared and swung
+High in the sunlit silence.
+Hovering there
+I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
+My eager craft through footless halls of air.
+Up, up along delirious, burning blue
+I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
+Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
+And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
+The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
+Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
+		-- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight"
+%
+Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
+%
+Oh, when I was in love with you,
+	Then I was clean and brave,
+And miles around the wonder grew
+	How well did I behave.
+
+And now the fancy passes by,
+	And nothing will remain,
+And miles around they'll say that I
+	Am quite myself again.
+		-- A. E. Housman
+%
+Oh, wow!  Look at the moon!
+%
+"OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard."
+		-- Dr. Joy
+%
+OK, so you're a Ph.D.  Just don't touch anything.
+%
+Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
+		-- Trotsky
+%
+Old programmers never die.  They just branch to a new address.
+%
+Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.
+%
+Oliver's Law:
+	Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
+it.
+%
+Omnibiblious, adj.:
+	Indifferent to type of drink.  "Oh, you can get me anything.
+I'm omnibiblious."
+%
+OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS??  Oh, YEH!!  First you need four GALLONS of
+JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O
+as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ...
+WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES?
+%
+On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
+
+"This isn't right.  This isn't even wrong."
+		-- Wolfgang Pauli
+%
+On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
+nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
+what it does.
+		-- Will Rogers
+%
+	On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
+receipts of $65.  The next day his take was $67.  The third day's
+income was $62.  But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
+$283 on the desk before the cashier.
+	"Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier.  "This is fantastic.  That
+route never brought in money like this!  What happened?"
+	"Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
+business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
+worked there.  I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
+%
+On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
+created jerks.
+		-- Avery
+%
+On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
+created jerks.
+		-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
+%
+On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a
+POINT ...
+%
+On the subject of C program indentation:
+
+	"In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be
+	indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
+		-- Blair P. Houghton
+%
+"On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], `Pray,
+Mr.  Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right
+answers come out?'  I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of
+confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question."
+		-- Charles Babbage
+%
+On-line, adj.:
+	The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
+computer.
+%
+Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
+forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
+		-- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
+%
+Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
+each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
+choice.
+
+In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
+called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka"
+and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank.  People
+passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
+Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
+		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
+Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
+Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your
+principals or your mistress".
+%
+Once Law was sitting on the bench
+	And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
+"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
+	Nor come before me creeping.
+Upon you knees if you appear,
+'Tis plain you have no standing here."
+
+Then Justice came.  His Honor cried:
+	"YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
+"Amica curiae," she replied --
+	"Friend of the court, so please you."
+"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
+I never saw your face before!"
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human
+beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by
+side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them
+which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the
+sky.
+		-- Rainer Rilke
+%
+	Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a
+great crystal river.  Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to
+the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of
+life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth.  But
+one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is
+going.  I shall let go, and let it take me where it will.  Clinging, I
+shall die of boredom."
+	The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool!  Let go, and that
+current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the
+rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!"
+	But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go,
+and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.
+Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current
+lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
+	And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried,
+"See a miracle!  A creature like ourselves, yet he flies!  See the
+Messiah, come to save us all!"  And the one carried in the current
+said, "I am no more Messiah than you.  The river delight to lift us
+free, if only we dare let go.  Our true work is this voyage, this
+adventure.
+	But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to
+the rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
+%
+Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
+us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
+the smaller prime numbers.
+
+2:  The Odd Prime --
+	It's the only even prime, therefore is odd.  QED.
+3:  The True Prime --
+	Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true."
+31: The Arbitrary Prime --
+	Determined by unanimous unvote.  We needed an arbitrary prime
+	in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election.  91
+	received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
+	next most.  However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
+	at all.
+
+Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
+derived from those primes.  So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
+true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
+%
+... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
+with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them.  Holiday
+shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
+advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
+shopping bag.  If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
+them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+Once, adv.:
+	Enough.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least
+somebody's listening.
+		-- Franklin P. Jones
+%
+"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative."
+
+Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
+The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.
+		-- Chuq Von Rospach
+%
+One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
+%
+One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
+how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
+		-- Professor Charles P. Issawi
+%
+One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell
+the truth.  A gallows was erected in front of the city gates.  A herald
+announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to
+a question which will be put to him."  Nasrudin was first in line.  The
+captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going?  Tell the truth
+-- the alternative is death by hanging."  "I am going," said Nasrudin,
+"to be hanged on that gallows."  "I don't believe you."  "Very well, if
+I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!"
+"Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
+%
+One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
+when well oiled.
+%
+One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
+never have to stop and answer the phone.
+%
+One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
+		-- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
+%
+One learns to itch where one can scratch.
+		-- Ernest Bramah
+%
+One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as
+one man would have produced alone.  These two plus two more will
+produce half again as many ideas.  These four plus four more begin to
+represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as
+many ...
+		-- Anthony Chevins
+%
+One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
+%
+One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How
+will it live?"  The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net,
+I'll tell you."
+%
+One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
+%
+One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible
+from one end to the other.  Reading the Bible straight through is at
+least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin.  But the good parts
+are, of course, simply amazing.  God is an extremely uneven writer, but
+when He's good, nobody can touch Him.
+		-- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983
+%
+One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
+do and always a clever thing to say.
+		-- Will Durant
+%
+"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
+lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
+their C programs."
+		-- Robert Firth
+%
+One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
+create goyim?"  The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy
+retail."
+		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+	One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How
+enthusiastic is our support for UNIX?
+	Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many
+years ago.  Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines.
+Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use.  UNIX is a simple
+language, easy to understand, easy to get started with.  It's great for
+students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for
+interchanging programs between different machines.  And so, because of
+its popularity in these markets, we support it.  We have good UNIX on
+VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
+	It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will
+run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and
+will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
+	With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and
+quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there.  With
+VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of
+documentation -- if you look long enough it's there.  That's the
+difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS
+is that it's all there.
+		-- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984
+%
+One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
+seat to another passenger.  This may seem callous, but it is the best
+way, really.  If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who
+fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become
+disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas.
+%
+The Seventh Commandments for Technicians
+	Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
+fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in
+other ways.
+%
+The First Commandment for Technicians:
+	Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
+capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
+untechnician-like manner.
+%
+One Page Principle:
+	A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch
+paper cannot be understood.
+		-- Mark Ardis
+%
+"One planet is all you get."
+%
+One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
+manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that
+they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips.  Let's
+say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding
+study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by
+sherbet.  Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag,
+strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus
+rendering him too large to fit through the plane door.  It could also
+be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law.  ("Mr.
+Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle
+Inspection Month?  And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save
+millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently
+support a law requiring airbags on congressmen.  The problem is that
+your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members
+of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are
+already too large to fit on normal aircraft.
+		-- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
+%
+One reason why George Washington
+Is held in such veneration:
+He never blamed his problems
+On the former Administration.
+		-- George O. Ludcke
+%
+One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
+%
+One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh
+paint.
+%
+"One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
+sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of
+sheer terror."
+		-- W. K. Hartmann
+%
+One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a
+new model.
+%
+One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
+%
+One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned
+at the stake while the votes were being counted.
+		-- Thomas B. Reed
+%
+One-Shot Case Study, n.:
+	The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
+it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes
+green.
+%
+Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
+%
+Only God can make random selections.
+%
+Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to
+use the editorial "we."
+%
+Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
+%
+Optimization hinders evolution.
+%
+Optimization hinders evolution.
+%
+Oregano, n.:
+	The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
+%
+Oregon, n.:
+	Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
+night.
+%
+Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.  Biochemistry
+is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
+		-- Mike Adams
+%
+Osborn's Law:
+	Variables won't; constants aren't.
+%
+Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your
+nails.
+%
+Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
+they charge fifteen cents for them.
+%
+Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the
+office.  He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we
+were both holding bags of popcorn.  We were both holding bottles of
+juice.  But only *__he* had a lollipop.
+
+He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
+
+Her reply:
+
+	"He can have a lollipop any time he wants to.  That's what it
+	means to be a programmer."
+%
+Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
+	Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
+	In kernel as it is in user!
+%
+Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
+		-- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries
+%
+... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
+Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm.  One
+thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition.  If
+somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it
+on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what
+a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
+		-- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
+%
+"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."
+		-- Alex Schure
+%
+"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."
+		-- Alex Schure
+%
+Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
+		-- General Omar N. Bradley
+%
+		OUTCONERR
+Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
+	Did logzerneg the ifthen block
+All kludgy were the function flows
+	And subroutines adhoc.
+
+Beware the runtime-bug my friend
+	squrooneg, the false goto
+Beware the infiniteloop
+	And shun the inprectoo.
+%
+"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
+it's too dark to read."
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now
+I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
+%
+Overdrawn?  But I still have checks left!
+%
+Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
+%
+Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
+%
+Ozman's Laws:
+	(1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he
+	    won't.
+	(2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they
+	    make.
+	(3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
+	(4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
+%
+Painting, n.:
+	The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
+exposing them to the critic.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+panic: can't find /
+%
+panic: kernel trap (ignored)
+%
+Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much
+better.
+		-- Laurie Anderson
+%
+Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
+%
+Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
+%
+Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
+%
+Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy to
+criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
+		-- D. J. Hicks
+%
+Pardo's First Postulate:
+	Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
+fattening.
+
+Arnold's Addendum:
+	Everything else causes cancer in rats.
+%
+Pardon this fortune.  Database under reconstruction.
+%
+Parker's Law:
+	Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
+%
+Parkinson's Fifth Law:
+	If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
+bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
+%
+Parkinson's Fourth Law:
+	The number of people in any working group tends to increase
+regardless of the amount of work to be done.
+%
+Parsley
+	 is gharsley.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
+%
+"Pascal is not a high-level language."
+		-- Steven Feiner
+%
+"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat."
+		-- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
+%
+Pascal Users:
+	To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
+death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
+%
+Pascal, n.:
+	A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
+his grave if he knew about it.
+%
+Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
+		-- Eric Hoffer
+%
+Patageometry, n.:
+	The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
+under brain transplants.
+%
+Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
+%
+Paul's Law:
+	In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
+save.
+%
+Paul's Law:
+	You can't fall off the floor.
+%
+Peace, n.:
+	In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
+periods of fighting.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Peanut Blossoms
+
+4 cups sugar           16 tbsp. milk
+4 cups brown sugar     4 tsp. vanilla
+4 cups shortening      14 cups flour
+8 eggs                 4 tsp. soda
+4 cups peanut butter   4 tsp. salt
+
+Shape dough into balls.  Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie
+sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes.  Immediately top each cookie with a
+Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie.  Makes a
+hell of a lot.
+%
+Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
+	Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in
+it.
+%
+Pedaeration, n.:
+	The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
+sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Penguin Trivia #46:
+	Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
+		-- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
+%
+People need good lies.  There are too many bad ones.
+		-- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
+%
+People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of
+the future.
+%
+"People think love is an emotion.  Love is good sense."
+		-- Ken Kesey
+%
+People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.
+%
+People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better
+press than people who are just funny and smart.
+		-- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
+%
+People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never
+slept in a room with a single mosquito.
+%
+People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
+haven't what they want that they don't want it.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
+Benjamin Franklin said it first.
+%
+People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
+%
+People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
+did yesterday.
+%
+Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
+"Confound those who have said our remarks before us."
+		-- Aelius Donatus
+%
+Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
+%
+Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but
+when there is no longer anything to take away.
+		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
+%
+Personifiers Unite!  You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
+%
+Peter's Law of Substitution:
+	Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
+themselves.
+%
+Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
+exciting Camden, New Jersey.
+%
+Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
+%
+Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.
+		-- John Keats
+%
+Pick another fortune cookie.
+%
+"Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional
+hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational
+sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..."
+%
+Pig, n.:
+	An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
+by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
+inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
+	You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being
+followed by the CIA or FBI.  You have minor influence over your
+associates and people resent your flaunting of your power.  You lack
+confidence and you are generally a coward.  Pisces people do terrible
+things to small animals.
+%
+PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
+	Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the
+American Express card and a weapon.  The world is yours today, as
+nobody else wants it.  Your mortgage will be foreclosed.  You will
+probably get run over by a bus.
+%
+			Pittsburgh Driver's Test
+
+(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
+    but a steady left tail light.  This means
+
+	(a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn
+	    to call the problem to the driver's attention.
+	(b) the driver is signaling a right turn.
+	(c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
+	(d) the driver is from out of town.
+
+The correct answer is (d).  Tail lights are used in some foreign
+countries to signal turns.
+%
+			Pittsburgh Driver's Test
+
+(8) Pedestrians are
+
+	(a) irrelevant.
+	(b) communists.
+	(c) a nuisance.
+	(d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
+
+The correct answer is (a).  Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
+totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
+%
+Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
+		-- Don Marquis
+%
+PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the
+solution set.
+		-- E. W. Dijkstra
+%
+"Plaese porrf raed."
+		-- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
+%
+Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
+because they were liars.  The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
+couldn't compete successfully with poets.
+		-- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half
+		   Shell"
+%
+Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill
+them.
+%
+Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic
+table.
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
+%
+Please ignore previous fortune.
+%
+Please take note:
+%
+Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
+until you are told that those rooms are "punched out".  Once punched
+out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas,
+and such.
+		-- N. Meyrowitz
+%
+Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
+%
+	Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
+requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
+into a clogged toilet.  In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
+problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
+radio.  But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
+plumbing works.
+	A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
+except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
+it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
+and toilets.  So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
+all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
+kill you.
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+PLUNDERER'S THEME
+(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
+
+Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
+If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
+Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
+Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
+%
+Pohl's law:
+	Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
+%
+Police:	Good evening, are you the host?
+Host:	No.
+Police:	We've been getting complaints about this party.
+Host:	About the drugs?
+Police:	No.
+Host:	About the guns, then?  Is somebody complaining about the guns?
+Police:	No, the noise.
+Host:	Oh, the noise.  Well that makes sense because there are no guns
+	or drugs here.  (An enormous explosion is heard in the
+	background.)  Or fireworks.  Who's complaining about the noise?
+	The neighbors?
+Police:	No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago.  Most of the recent
+	complaints have come from Pittsburgh.  Do you think you could
+	ask the host to quiet things down?
+Host:	No Problem.  (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive
+	religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
+	room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
+	lawn, where it smashes into a tree.  Eight guests tumble out
+	onto the grass, moaning.)  See?  Things are starting to wind
+	down.
+%
+Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
+all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
+%
+Politician, n.:
+	An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
+organized society is reared.  When he wriggles, he mistakes the
+agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice.  As compared
+with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Politician, n.:
+	From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
+"face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face).  Hence
+"polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
+		-- Martin Pitt
+%
+Politicians are the same all over.  They promise to build a bridge even
+where there is no river.
+	-- Nikita Khrushchev
+%
+Politics is like coaching a football team.  you have to be smart enough
+to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
+%
+Polymer physicists are into chains.
+%
+Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
+Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866.  The
+white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before
+it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his
+name had hilarious possibilities.  The crowds fell about, helpless with
+laughter, singing
+	Half a pound of tuppenny rice
+	Half a pound of treacle
+	That's the way the chimney smokes
+	Pope Goestheveezl
+The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of
+laughter streaming down their faces.  The event set a record for
+hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron
+Hans Neizant B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Portable, adj.:
+	Survives system reboot.
+%
+Positive, adj.:
+	Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
+%
+"Power corrupts.  Absolute power is kind of neat"
+		-- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987
+%
+Power corrupts.  And atomic power corrupts atomically.
+%
+Power, n:
+	The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
+%
+Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little
+more time for dreaming.
+		-- J. P. McEvoy
+%
+Predestination was doomed from the start.
+%
+President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and
+forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
+%
+President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the
+vote.  In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
+		-- The Washington Post
+%
+Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
+%
+Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
+	It's on the other side.
+%
+[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves
+to see him work.
+		-- Winston Churchill
+%
+Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
+%
+Probable-Possible, my black hen,
+She lays eggs in the Relative When.
+She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
+Because she's unable to postulate how.
+		-- Frederick Winsor
+%
+Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
+orgasms?  The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which
+is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
+		   Teen Should Know"
+%
+Prof:    So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data
+	 encryption standard and they came up with ...
+Student: EBCDIC!"
+%
+Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem.
+Eng.  130 midterm.  Once again no student received a single point on
+his exam.  Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter.  Newell's
+earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%
+%
+Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
+
+This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them.  Induction
+techniques are very popular, even the military used them.
+
+SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
+
+	We know it's true for _n equal to 1.  Now assume that it's true
+for every natural number less than _n.  _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n
+as large as we want.  If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is
+trivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n.  We
+can take _n = _n (from above), so it's true for _n+1 because it's just
+about _n.
+	QED.	(QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
+%
+Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
+	SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
+(1) Horses have an even number of legs.
+(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
+(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
+    legs for a horse.
+(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. 
+(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
+
+Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by:
+	Intimidation
+	Gesticulation (handwaving)
+	"Try it; it works"
+	Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
+	Blatant assertion
+	Changing all the 2's to _n's
+	Mutual consent
+	Lack of a counterexample, and
+	"It stands to reason"
+%
+Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
+
+BBW	Branch Both Ways
+BEW	Branch Either Way
+BBBF	Branch on Bit Bucket Full
+BH	Branch and Hang
+BMR	Branch Multiple Registers
+BOB	Branch On Bug
+BPO	Branch on Power Off
+BST	Backspace and Stretch Tape
+CDS	Condense and Destroy System
+CLBR	Clobber Register
+CLBRI	Clobber Register Immediately
+CM	Circulate Memory
+CMFRM	Come From -- essential for truly structured programming
+CPPR	Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
+CRN	Convert to Roman Numerals
+%
+Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
+
+DC	Divide and Conquer
+DMPK	Destroy Memory Protect Key
+DO	Divide and Overflow
+EMPC	Emulate Pocket Calculator
+EPI	Execute Programmer Immediately
+EROS	Erase Read Only Storage
+EXCE	Execute Customer Engineer
+HCF	Halt and Catch Fire
+IBP	Insert Bug and Proceed
+INSQSW	Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
+PBC	Print and Break Chain
+PDSK	Punch Disk
+%
+Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
+
+PI	Punch Invalid
+POPI	Punch Operator Immediately
+PVLC	Punch Variable Length Card
+RASC	Read And Shred Card
+RPM	Read Programmers Mind
+RSSC	reduce speed, step carefully  (for improved accuracy)
+RTAB	Rewind tape and break
+RWDSK	rewind disk
+RWOC	Read Writing On Card
+SCRBL	scribble to disk  - faster than a write
+SLC	Search for Lost Chord
+SPSW	Scramble Program Status Word
+SRSD	Seek Record and Scar Disk
+STROM	Store in Read Only Memory
+TDB	Transfer and Drop Bit
+WBT	Water Binary Tree
+%
+"Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
+than the both put together."
+%
+Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.  Check
+three friends.  If they're OK, you're it.
+%
+Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well
+anyhow and is certainly a damn fool.
+		-- H. L. Mencken
+%
+Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
+to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
+to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
+cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
+fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a
+lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of
+the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
+%
+Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen.
+%
+Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.
+%
+Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
+%
+Put no trust in cryptic comments.
+%
+Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
+		-- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
+%
+Putt's Law:
+	Technology is dominated by two types of people:
+		Those who understand what they do not manage.
+		Those who manage what they do not understand.
+%
+Q:  Do you know what the death rate around here is?
+A:  One per person.
+%
+Q:  How did you get into artificial intelligence?
+A:  Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
+%
+Q:  How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ?
+A:  Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
+%
+Q:  How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
+A:  Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
+
+Q:  How long does it take?
+A:  It's indeterminate.  It will depend upon how many flats they've
+    brought with them.
+
+Q:  What happens if you've got TWO flats?
+A:  They replace your generator.
+%
+Q:  How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A:  Two.  One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
+    itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
+    reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
+    maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
+%
+Q:  How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
+    in San Francisco?
+A:  Both of them.
+%
+Q:  How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
+A:  33.  1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
+%
+Q:  How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
+A:  Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
+%
+Q:  How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
+A:  100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
+    Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of
+    the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20%
+    of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences
+    of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
+%
+Q:  How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A:  Three.  One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
+    light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government
+    plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer
+    prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb
+    assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
+%
+Q:  How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A:  One and a half.
+%
+Q:  How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A:  One.  He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
+    to the earlier joke.
+%
+Q:  How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
+A:  Three.  One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those
+    Californians trying to share the experience.
+%
+Q:  How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
+A:  Two.  One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub
+    with brightly colored machine tools.
+%
+Q:  How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
+A:  None.  The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
+    of the way.
+%
+Q:  What's a light-year?
+A:  One-third less calories than a regular year.
+%
+Q:  Why did the tachyon cross the road?
+A:  Because it was on the other side.
+%
+Q:  Why do ducks have flat feet?
+A:  To stamp out forest fires.
+
+Q:  Why do elephants have flat feet?
+A:  To stamp out flaming ducks.
+%
+Q:  Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
+A:  To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
+%
+Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.  What
+   should I do?
+
+A: Post the correct answer at once!  We can't have people go on
+   believing that!  Very good of you to spot this.  You'll probably be
+   the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can.  No
+   time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if
+   somebody else has made the correction.
+
+   And it's not good enough to send the message by mail.  Since you're
+   the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have
+   to inform the whole net right away!
+
+		-- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions
+		   on Netiquette"
+%
+Quality Control, n.:
+	The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
+a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
+%
+Question:
+Man Invented Alcohol,
+God Invented Grass.
+Who do you trust?
+%
+Quick!!  Act as if nothing has happened!
+%
+Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
+%
+Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
+
+(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
+%
+Quigley's Law:
+	Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will
+atttempt to use it.
+%
+QUOTE OF THE DAY:
+
+       `
+
+%
+"Qvid me anxivs svm?"
+%
+QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]:
+	1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69
+kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2.  [colloq.] one
+thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a
+painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang]
+person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert.
+		-- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
+%
+Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
+%
+Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something
+I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of
+computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport
+store.  Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told
+all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology?  Remember how all
+the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published?  Are
+they taking no-fault insurance lying down?  No way!  But at the current
+rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on
+Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters.  Who's going to be
+impressed with us electrical engineers then?  Are we, as the saying
+goes, giving away the store?
+		-- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President
+%
+Ray's Rule of Precision:
+	Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
+%
+Razors pain you;
+Rivers are damp;
+Acids stain you;
+And drugs cause cramp.
+Guns aren't lawful;
+Nooses give;
+Gas smells awful;
+You might as well live.
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
+the picture.  Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described
+with pictures.
+%
+Reader, suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of
+Congress.  But I repeat myself.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic
+value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is
+much too large to implement.  Most computer scientists don't notice
+this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
+%
+Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware.  Hardware
+has limitations, software doesn't.  It's a real shame that Turing
+machines are so poor at I/O.
+%
+Real computer scientists don't comment their code.  The identifiers are
+so long they can't afford the disk space.
+%
+Real computer scientists don't program in assembler.  They don't write
+in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
+%
+Real computer scientists don't write code.  They occasionally tinker
+with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they
+hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for
+applications.)
+%
+Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run
+on future hardware.  Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo
+sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
+%
+Real programmers disdain structured programming.  Structured
+programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-
+trained.  They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise
+clear desks.
+%
+Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches.  If the vending machine
+doesn't sell it, they don't eat it.  Vending machines don't sell
+quiche.
+%
+Real programmers don't comment their code.  It was hard to write, it
+should be hard to understand.
+%
+Real programmers don't draw flowcharts.  Flowcharts are, after all, the
+illiterate's form of documentation.  Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how
+much good it did them.
+%
+Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
+you to change clothes.  Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
+wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
+spring up in the middle of the machine room.
+%
+Real programmers don't write in BASIC.  Actually, no programmers write
+in BASIC after reaching puberty.
+%
+Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN.  FORTRAN is for pipe stress
+freaks and crystallography weenies.  FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
+wear white socks.
+%
+Real Programmers don't write in PL/I.  PL/I is for programmers who
+can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
+%
+Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
+%
+Real Programs don't use shared text.  Otherwise, how can they use
+functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
+%
+Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
+This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a
+computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
+%
+Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and
+greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any
+moment.  They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that
+systems could be virtual at *___all* levels.  They would like personal
+computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your
+DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their
+Correctness Verification Aid packages.
+%
+Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the
+job is described in the formal spec.  Working late would feel like
+using an undocumented external procedure.
+%
+Real Time, adj.:
+	Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
+and then.
+%
+Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
+afraid to break your face.
+%
+Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
+down the system for days.
+%
+Real Users hate Real Programmers.
+%
+Real Users know your home telephone number.
+%
+Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your
+program doesn't deliver it.
+%
+Real Users never use the Help key.
+%
+Real World, The n.:
+	1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may
+be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc.  2. To
+programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related
+to programming.  3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and
+tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5.  4.
+The location of the status quo.  5. Anywhere outside a university.
+"Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world."  Used
+pejoratively by those not in residence there.  In conversation, talking
+of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a
+deceased person.
+%
+Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
+%
+Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
+%
+Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?
+		-- Patrick Sky
+%
+Reality is for people who lack imagination.
+%
+Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
+%
+Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.
+		-- Alvy Ray Smith
+%
+"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go
+away".
+		-- Philip K. Dick
+%
+"Really ??  What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
+%
+Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
+being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
+		-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
+%
+Recession is when your neighbor loses his job.  Depression is when you
+lose your job.  These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
+but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
+Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3
+recessions.
+%
+Reclaimer, spare that tree!
+Take not a single bit!
+It used to point to me,
+Now I'm protecting it.
+It was the reader's CONS
+That made it, paired by dot;
+Now, GC, for the nonce,
+Thou shalt reclaim it not.
+%
+	"Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
+Candy
+Is dandy
+But liquor
+Is quicker.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised.  "We're back in the universe
+again ..."  An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know
+which part.  We seem to have changed our position in space."  A
+spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
+starfield surrounding the ship.
+
+"Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC
+announced after a short pause.  "The designs are not familiar, but they
+are obviously the products of intelligence.  Implications: we have been
+intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and
+transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
+Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
+		-- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
+%
+Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
+	If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
+%
+Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
+		-- Anatole France
+%
+"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used
+it."
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
+worse in Cleveland.
+		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
+%
+Remember, drive defensively!  And of course, the best defense is a good
+offense!
+%
+Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
+%
+Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
+%
+Remember:  Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
+		-- Dave Butler
+%
+Renning's Maxim:
+	Man is the highest animal.  Man does the classifying.
+%
+Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western
+	Civilization?
+Gandhi:	I think it would be a good idea.
+%
+Reporter, n.:
+	A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
+tempest of words.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
+ 
+SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
+the country folk in my state like to say.  It goes like this: "You can
+carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
+I have no idea why the country folk say this.  Maybe there's some kind
+of chemical pollutant in their drinking water.  That is why I pledge to
+do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of
+ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs.  What we
+need is jobs, not empty promises.  I realize I'm risking my political
+career be being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but
+that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I
+can't help it.
+		-- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
+%
+Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
+		-- Wernher von Braun
+%
+Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
+another chance later on.
+%
+Review Questions
+
+(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
+    and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
+    he exceeds the speed of light?  How long will it be before the
+    Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
+
+(2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
+    twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
+    every bone in his body?  How long will it be before they cut off
+    his insurance?  Where does he get a new car every week?
+
+(3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
+    the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a
+    pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
+    Tut's?  When will it fall on him?  Will he notice?
+%
+Rhode's Law:
+	When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening,
+circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly,
+empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred,
+induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always
+for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage,
+material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or
+none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed,
+proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably,
+universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it
+becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe.
+%
+"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
+	Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
+	reject the proposal.
+%
+Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
+		-- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With
+		   Pogo"
+%
+ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
+MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
+	door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
+%
+Rudin's Law:
+	If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it
+every time.
+%
+Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
+	Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall
+be liable to a fine of one pound.  Any animal leading a blind person
+shall be deemed to be a cat.
+%
+Rule of Creative Research:
+	(1) Never draw what you can copy.
+	(2) Never copy what you can trace.
+	(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
+%
+Rule of Defactualization:
+	Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
+%
+Rule of Feline Frustration:
+	When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
+content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
+%
+Rule of the Great:
+	When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
+thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
+%
+Rules for Academic Deans:
+	(1)  HIDE!!!!
+	(2)  If they find you, LIE!!!!
+		-- Father Damian C. Fandal
+%
+Rules for driving in New York:
+	(1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
+	(2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers
+	    on.
+	(3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
+	    intersection.
+%
+RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
+	(1)  Never eat on an empty stomach.
+	(2)  Never leave the table hungry.
+	(3)  When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
+	(4)  Enjoy your food.
+	(5)  Enjoy your companion's food.
+	(6)  Really taste your food.  It may take several portions to
+	     accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
+	(7)  Really feel your food.  Texture is important.  Compare,
+	     for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
+	     brownie.  Which feels better against your cheeks?
+	(8)  Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
+	(9)  Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate.  You
+	     can always eat it later.
+	(10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
+	(11) Avoid blue food.
+		-- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet"
+%
+Rules:
+	(1)  The boss is always right.
+	(2)  When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
+%
+		Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
+		  Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
+
+(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs,
+    ants.
+(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships.
+(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
+(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter.
+(5) Exotic birds flock around you.
+(6) People ignore you at parties.
+(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
+(8) You no longer get off on cocaine.
+%
+		Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
+(1)  Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
+     bomb; use the stairs.
+(2)  When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
+     the ground.
+(3)  If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
+(4)  Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
+     psychological problems.
+(5)  Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge.  Learn to
+     recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed
+     potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
+(6)  Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs
+     will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
+(7)  Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
+(8)  Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
+     staggering illegally.
+(9)  Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
+     sanitary due to limited circulation.
+(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
+     D-Day.
+%
+SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
+	You are optimistic and enthusiastic.  You have a reckless
+	tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent.  The majority
+	of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both.  People
+	laugh at you a great deal.
+%
+San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
+		-- Herb Caen
+%
+San Francisco, n.:
+	Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
+%
+Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.
+		-- Mark Harrold
+%
+Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
+	He must be a communist.
+And a beard and long hair,
+	Must be a pacifist.
+
+	What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
+		-- Arlo Guthrie
+%
+Satellite Safety Tip #14:
+	If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
+%
+Sattinger's Law:
+	It works better if you plug it in.
+%
+Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
+	Is like being nowhere at all,
+All through the day how the hours rush by,
+	You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
+		-- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
+%
+Sauron is alive in Argentina!
+%
+Save energy: be apathetic.
+%
+Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
+%
+Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.
+%
+"Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I
+ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+SCCS, the source motel!  Programs check in and never check out!
+		-- Ken Thompson
+%
+Schapiro's Explanation:
+	The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's
+because they use more manure.
+%
+Schizophrenia beats being alone.
+%
+Schlattwhapper, n.:
+	The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
+hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Schnuffel, n.:
+	A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in
+mixed company.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Schwiggle, n.:
+	The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a
+pencil.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made
+of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts
+is not necessarily science.
+		-- Henri Poincair'e
+%
+Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
+%
+Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.
+		-- William Buckley
+
+%
+SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
+	You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.  You will
+	achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of
+	ethics.  Most Scorpio people are murdered.
+%
+Scott's first Law:
+	No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
+%
+Scott's second Law:
+	When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
+to have been wrong in the first place.
+
+Corollary:
+	After the correction has been found in error, it will be
+impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
+%
+Scotty:	Captain, we din' can reference it!
+Kirk:	Analysis, Mr. Spock?
+Spock:	Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
+Kirk:	Then it's of external origin?
+Spock:	Affirmative.
+Kirk:	Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
+Sulu:	Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
+%
+Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.
+%
+Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the
+Presidency.
+		-- Richard Nixon
+%
+Second Law of Business Meetings:
+	If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
+will pick the wrong one.
+
+Corollary:
+	If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
+wrong, anyway.
+%
+"Section 2.4.3.5   AWNS   (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State).
+	In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a
+multiline message byte.
+	In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message
+must be sent passive true.
+	The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter:
+	(1)  The ANRS if DAV is false
+	(2)  The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither:
+		(a)  The LADS is active
+		(b)  Nor LACS is active"
+
+		-- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for
+		   Programmable Instrumentation
+%
+Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
+%
+Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
+She scissored short.  Sorely shorn,
+Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
+Silently scheming,
+Sightlessly seeking
+Some savage, spectacular suicide.
+		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+"See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist.  I mean, kind of ... in a way ..."
+%
+Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
+	Ice Cream cures all ills.
+%
+Self Test for Paranoia:
+	You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
+your own fault.
+%
+Seminars, n.:
+	From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
+%
+Sen. Danforth:	"There is nothing on the face of the album which would
+		notify you if the record has pornographics material or
+		material glorifying violence?"
+Tipper Gore:	"No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
+Frank Zappa:	"I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's
+		legs on the album cover is good indication that it's
+		not for little Johnny."
+
+		-- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
+		   lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
+%
+Senate, n.:
+	A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
+misdemeanors.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Serenity through viciousness.
+%
+Serocki's Stricture:
+	Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
+%
+Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
+%
+	"Seven years and six months!"  Humpty Dumpty repeated
+thoughtfully.  "An uncomfortable sort of age.  Now if you'd asked MY
+advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
+	"I never ask advice about growing,"  Alice said indignantly.
+	"Too proud?" the other enquired.
+	Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion.  "I mean,"
+she said, "that one can't help growing older."
+	"ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can.  With
+proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
+		-- Lewis Carroll
+%
+Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a
+big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at
+reasonable prices?  Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's
+build a home center.  And before long home centers were springing up
+like crabgrass all over the United States.
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
+%
+Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
+		-- Swami X
+%
+Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
+		-- M. C. Reed.
+%
+Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go,
+it's one of the best.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+Shamus, n. [Yiddish]:
+	A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
+temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.
+	A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog
+functionaries, and there's a joke about that:
+	A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the
+middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"  The cantor, not to be
+bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
+	The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I
+am nobody!"  The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks
+he's nobody!"
+		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
+during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
+		   Teen Should Know"
+%
+Shaw's Principle:
+	Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
+want to use it.
+%
+"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to."
+		-- Gypsy Rose Lee
+%
+She is not refined.  She is not unrefined.  She keeps a parrot.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them
+were bad.
+%
+She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
+have poured on a waffle ...
+%
+"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'.  I said, `That's nothing,
+you should hear me play piano.'"
+		-- Morrisey
+%
+She's genuinely bogus.
+%
+"Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have
+taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him.  Such an
+excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature."
+		-- Samuel Johnson
+%
+SHIFT TO THE LEFT!  SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
+POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
+%
+Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
+playing golf with his boss.
+%
+Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.
+%
+Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
+		-- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
+%
+Silverman's Law:
+	If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
+%
+Simon's Law:
+	Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
+%
+Since I hurt my pendulum
+My life is all erratic.
+My parrot, who was cordial,
+Is now transmitting static.
+The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
+The cat keeps doing poo.
+The only thing that keeps me sane
+Is talking to my shoe.
+		-- My Shoe
+%
+Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
+alive.
+		-- John Sloan
+%
+Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
+		-- Bob "Mountain" Beck
+%
+[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the
+vices I admire.
+		-- Winston Churchill
+%
+Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate
+Bible.  Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically
+excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text.
+This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible.  He personally
+examined every sheet as it came off the press.  Yet the published
+Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be
+printed and pasted over them in every copy.  The result provoked wry
+comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had
+no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy.
+%
+Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
+	That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
+or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should
+have gotten.
+%
+Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
+to work.
+%
+Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not,
+when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and
+apparently incoherent songs.  I was myself within the circle, so that I
+neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear.  They told a
+tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension:  they
+were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of
+souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish.  Every tone was a
+testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from
+chains.
+		-- Frederick Douglass
+%
+Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
+	(1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
+	    check.
+	(2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
+	(3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
+	    attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
+	    attracted to dark objects.
+%
+Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
+%
+Slurm, n.:
+	The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
+it sits in the dish too long.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
+		-- Fletcher Knebel
+%
+Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
+		-- Fletcher Knebel
+%
+Snacktrek, n.:
+	The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
+returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have
+materialized.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate
+your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and
+hurl it into a dumpster.  Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast
+array of 8-millimeter video equipment.
+
+... OK!  Got everything?  Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you
+were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format
+that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as
+toenail dirt.  This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be
+made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a
+format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*.
+		-- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics
+		   Revolution"
+%
+So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
+praise of intelligence.
+		-- Bertrand Russell
+%
+... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
+who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
+and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
+and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
+		-- Voltarine de Cleyre
+%
+	So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].
+With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to
+maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of
+corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to
+flop up onto the land and evolve.  Richard and I were inching toward
+it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and --
+I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in
+the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us.
+	Many people would have panicked at this point.  But Richard and
+I were not "many people."  We were experienced waders, and we kept our
+heads.  We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're
+unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water
+up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the
+opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of
+our feet never once went below the surface of the water.  We ran all
+the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers
+cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen
+these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked
+into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
+%
+"So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple
+pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops
+its head into the shop. "What! no soap?"  So he died, and she very
+imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies,
+and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top,
+and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the
+gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots."
+		-- Samuel Foote
+%
+... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks.  Generally, their
+procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
+to infest the waters.  I would estimate that the primary food source of
+sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
+documentaries.  Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
+listless.  The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
+documentary."  So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
+under the guise of Scientific Research.  "We know very little about the
+effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
+scientific voice.  "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
+in the testicles with a cattle prod."  The divers keep this kind of
+thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
+then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
+dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all
+along.
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
+%
+So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway?  And why can't he ever
+remember his Bible?
+%
+Sodd's Second Law:
+	Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
+bound to occur.
+%
+Software, n.:
+	Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
+%
+Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
+%
+Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
+		-- Ed Howe
+%
+Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to
+celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around
+stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on
+"The Waltons".  Well, you can forget it.  If everybody pulled that kind
+of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight.  The
+government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level
+Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and
+billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which
+it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming
+thousands.  So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with
+the Holiday Program.  This means you should get a large sum of money
+and go to a mall.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some
+people have mediocrity thrust upon them.
+		-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
+%
+Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only
+one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
+%
+Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
+them on the head.
+%
+Some people live life in the fast lane.  You're in oncoming traffic.
+%
+Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when
+you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even
+worse.
+		-- Avery
+%
+Some points to remember [about animals]:
+
+(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
+    hippopotamuses;
+(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
+    front of your clothes;
+(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
+    you have just kicked.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Some primal termite knocked on wood.
+And tasted it, and found it good.
+And that is why your Cousin May
+Fell through the parlor floor today.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand
+progress.
+%
+Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand
+progress.
+		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
+pens will multiply instead of disappear.
+%
+Someone will try to honk your nose today.
+%
+"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
+the only ashtray."
+%
+Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
+		-- Lily Tomlin
+%
+"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
+Machineries of Joy?  That is, did not God promote environments, then
+intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men
+and women, such as are we all?  And thus happily sent forth, at our
+best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are
+we not God's Machineries of Joy?"
+
+"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
+		-- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
+%
+Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
+%
+Song Title of the Week:
+	"They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change
+in me."
+%
+Sooner or later you must pay for your sins.  (Those who have already
+paid may disregard this fortune).
+%
+Sorry, no fortune this time.
+%
+Sorry.  I forget what I was going to say.
+%
+Space is big.  You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-
+bogglingly big it is.  I mean, you may think it's a long way down the
+road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
+		-- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+"Spare no expense to save money on this one."
+		-- Samuel Goldwyn
+%
+Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
+	If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
+if he had lost his senses.  When he looks down, paraphrase the question
+back at him.
+%
+Speak roughly to your little boy,
+	And beat him when he sneezes:
+He only does it to annoy
+	Because he knows it teases.
+
+	Wow!  wow!  wow!
+
+I speak severely to my boy,
+	And beat him when he sneezes:
+For he can thoroughly enjoy
+	The pepper when he pleases!
+
+	Wow!  wow!  wow!
+		-- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
+%
+Speak roughly to your little VAX,
+	And boot it when it crashes;
+It knows that one cannot relax
+	Because the paging thrashes!
+
+		Wow!  Wow!  Wow!
+
+I speak severely to my VAX,
+	And boot it when it crashes;
+In spite of all my favorite hacks
+	My jobs it always thrashes!
+
+		Wow!  Wow!  Wow!
+%
+Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
+%
+Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
+		-- Dave Millman
+%
+Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am
+sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging,
+cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster.  Allocate an array and free
+the middle third?  Sure!  Why not?  Multiply a character string times a
+bit string and assign the result to a float decimal?  Go ahead!  Free a
+controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before
+passing it back?  Overlay three different types of variable on the same
+memory location?  Anything you say!  Write a recursive macro?  Well,
+no, but Real Men use rescan.  How could a language so obviously
+designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
+%
+Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:
+
+	With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair
+	He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!
+	And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down
+	As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!
+	Helpless users with projects due
+	Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!
+
+	Oh, no!  He says Unix runs too slow!  Go, go, DECzilla!
+	Oh, yes!  He's gonna bring up VMS!  Go, go, DECzilla!"
+
+* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation
+* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.
+		-- Curtis Jackson
+%
+Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently
+these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people
+to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't
+communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so
+on.  And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real
+life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't
+communicate.  I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least
+he can do is to Shut Up!
+		-- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
+%
+"Speed is subsittute fo accurancy."
+%
+Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
+	The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
+number of times you have looked at it.
+%
+Spelling is a lossed art.
+%
+Spend extra time on hobby.  Get plenty of rolling papers.
+%
+Spirtle, n.:
+	The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in
+your eye.
+		-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
+%
+Spouse, n.:
+	Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
+wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
+%
+"Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist
+drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to pur'ee of bat guano; and the
+greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who!  And I'll
+take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!"
+		-- Harlan Ellison
+%
+Stay away from flying saucers today.
+%
+Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
+%
+"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."
+%
+Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
+	Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
+another drink.
+%
+Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
+	Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
+handle.
+%
+Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.
+%
+Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.  Now, if they'd only
+take a bath ...
+%
+Stult's Report:
+	Our problems are mostly behind us.  What we have to do now is
+fight the solutions.
+%
+Stupid, n.:
+	Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
+%
+Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
+%
+Sturgeon's Law:
+	90% of everything is crud.
+%
+Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your
+editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way
+before it is understood.
+%
+Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.
+%
+Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
+without his duck ...
+%
+(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)
+
+	To code the impossible code,
+	To bring up a virgin machine,
+	To pop out of endless recursion,
+	To grok what appears on the screen,
+
+	To right the unrightable bug,
+	To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
+	To mount the unmountable magtape,
+	To stop the unstoppable crash!
+%
+Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
+%
+Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
+%
+Support your local police force -- steal!!
+%
+Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
+%
+Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
+%
+Surprise due today.  Also the rent.
+%
+Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
+%
+Surprise!  You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit!  Just type
+in your name and social security number.  Please remember that leaving
+the room is punishable under law:
+
+Name	#
+%
+Swahili, n.:
+	The language used by the National Enquirer to print their
+retractions.
+		-- Johnny Hart
+%
+Sweater, n.:
+	A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
+%
+Swipple's Rule of Order:
+	He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
+%
+Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
+		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+System/3!  System/3!
+See how it runs!  See how it runs!
+	Its monitor loses so totally!
+	It runs all its programs in RPG!
+	It's made by our favorite monopoly!
+System/3!
+%
+Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
+infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
+		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+      _
+  _  / \			   o
+ / \ | |		       o	   o		 o
+ | | | |   _			o    o		       o       o
+ | \_| |  / \		      o			    o	 o
+  \__  |  | |		  o			      o
+     | |  | |		 ______	  ~~~~		    _____
+     | |__/ |	       / ___--\\ ~~~		 __/_____\__
+     |	___/	      / \--\\  \\   \ ___	<__  x x  __\
+     | |	     / /\\  \\	     ))	 \	   (  "	 )
+     | |     -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >-----------
+     | |   //	    | | //__________  /	   \	____)	(___	  \\
+     | |  //	  __|_|	 ( --------- )	    //// ______ /////\	   \\
+	 //	  |    (  \ ______  /	   <<<< <>-----<<<<< /	    \\
+	//	 (     )		      / /	  \` \__     \\
+       //-------------------------------------------------------------\\
+
+Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
+start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
+then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
+music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
+		-- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
+%
+T:	One big monster, he called TROLL.
+	He don't rock, and he don't roll;
+	Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
+	He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
+		-- The Roguelet's ABC
+%
+Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a
+hole in his head.
+%
+Tact, n.:
+	The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
+%
+Take everything in stride.  Trample anyone who gets in your way.
+%
+Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
+enough cheese
+		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
+%
+Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
+%
+Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it
+needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
+		-- Kipling
+%
+Take the folks at Coca-Cola.  For many years, they were content to sit
+back and make the same old carbonated beverage.  It was a good
+beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
+drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
+nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
+and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!"  So
+Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw
+no need to improve ...
+		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
+%
+Take your dying with some seriousness, however.  Laughing on the way to
+your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms,
+and they'll call you crazy.
+		-- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
+%
+Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
+		-- Euripides
+%
+Talkers are no good doers.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
+%
+Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
+		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
+	You are practical and persistent.  You have a dogged
+	determination and work like hell.  Most people think you are
+	stubborn and bull headed.  You are a Communist.
+%
+Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
+the tree."
+		-- Russell Long
+%
+Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
+out of the market.
+%
+Taxes, n.:
+	Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
+an extension.
+%
+Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he
+grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
+%
+Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
+%
+Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means
+for going backwards.
+		-- Aldous Huxley
+%
+Telephone, n.:
+	An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the
+advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
+Is those things arms, or is they legs?
+I marvel at thee, Octopus;
+If I were thou, I'd call me us.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
+writing.
+		-- R. Geis
+%
+"Terence, this is stupid stuff:
+You eat your victuals fast enough;
+There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
+To see the rate you drink your beer.
+But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
+It gives a chap the belly-ache.
+The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
+It sleeps well the horned head:
+We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
+To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
+Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
+Your friends to death before their time.
+Moping, melancholy mad:
+Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad."
+		-- A. E. Housman
+%
+"Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a
+surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one
+hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other
+hand were unwilling to risk offending God's grandmother."
+		-- Len Cool, "American Pie"
+%
+Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D.  He was a
+pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city
+until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is
+ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
+because it is absurd).  This does not altogether accord with historical
+fact, for he merely said:
+
+	"And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because
+	it is absurd.  And buried he rose again, which is certain
+	because it is impossible."
+
+Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
+philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
+		-- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types
+
+(Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church).
+%
+Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
+%
+Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
+%
+"Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
+one which cannot be justified on any other grounds."
+		-- J. Finnegan, USC.
+%
+Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.
+		-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
+%
+"That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver"
+		-- Foghorn Leghorn
+%
+"That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all."
+%
+That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
+%
+That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
+%
+The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by
+people who want some.
+		-- Dwight MacDonald
+%
+The Abrams' Principle:
+	The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
+%
+The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
+		-- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+The Advertising Agency Song:
+ 
+	When your client's hopping mad,
+	Put his picture in the ad.
+	If he still should prove refractory,
+	Add a picture of his factory.
+%
+"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty.  You might want to mug
+someone with it."
+		-- M. Devine, Computer Science 340
+%
+... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that
+consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune
+of "Camptown Races".  Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to
+listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas
+River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little
+Rock.
+%
+The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
+Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
+and color, but also on ability.
+		-- T. Lehrer
+%
+The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
+		-- Bill Murray
+%
+The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use
+in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
+Declaration not for that, but for future use.
+		--  Abraham Lincoln
+%
+The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m.
+%
+The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
+average man can see better than he can think.
+%
+"The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by
+people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried
+anything."
+		-- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore
+%
+The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
+cities.  Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
+difficult to park in.  Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,
+which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but --
+here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO
+RULES.  You're allowed to do anything.  You can drive as fast as you
+want in any direction you want.  I was once driving in a mall parking
+lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a
+squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out
+and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault,
+his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was
+neither.  This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking
+lots.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit
+called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in
+writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind."  All patties would
+be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices
+immediately before serving.  The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a
+bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special
+Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of
+paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12".  The Lunch or Dinner Patty
+would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning.
+The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to
+emit a serious aroma.  Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood
+Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets."
+		-- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
+%
+The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
+but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
+%
+The best cure for insomnia is to get a  lot of sleep.
+		-- W. C. Fields
+%
+The best defense against logic is ignorance.
+%
+The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
+%
+"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and
+blow, "is to learn something.  That's the only thing that never fails.
+You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
+night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only
+love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or
+know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds.  There is only
+one thing for it then -- to learn.  Learn why the world wags and what
+wags it.  That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust,
+never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never
+dream of regretting.  Learning is the only thing for you.  Look what a
+lot of things there are to learn."
+		-- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King"
+%
+The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them
+is a match.
+		-- Will Rogers
+%
+The bigger the theory the better.
+%
+The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse
+time.
+		-- Merrick Furst
+%
+The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss
+Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
+
+It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance.  Miss Manners has been
+known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and,
+in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two
+under the dinner table.  Miss Manners also believes that the sight of
+people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a
+city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking
+umbrellas at one another.  What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of
+activity that frightens the horses on the street ...
+%
+"The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch."
+%
+The bogosity meter just pegged.
+%
+The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
+in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
+%
+The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development:
+	To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
+program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and
+convert to the next higher units.
+%
+The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
+Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
+automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
+		-- Art Buchwald
+%
+The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
+bureaucracy.
+%
+"The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
+flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."
+%
+The camel has a single hump;
+The dromedary two;
+Or else the other way around.
+I'm never sure.  Are you?
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly
+greater than that of any other animals.  Some of their most esteemed
+inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner
+party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.
+		-- H. L. Mencken
+%
+"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."
+		-- G. Fitch
+%
+The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
+at the steam fitters' picnic.
+%
+The chief cause of problems is solutions.
+%
+The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions.
+		-- Alfred Adler
+%
+The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will
+walk carefully.
+		-- Russian Proverb
+%
+"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
+elsewhere."
+%
+"The Computer made me do it."
+%
+The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
+		-- Alan Perlis
+%
+The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his
+memos.
+		-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
+%
+The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other
+subversives.  We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
+every bird watcher in the country.
+		-- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972
+%
+The Consultant's Curse:
+	When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him
+what he asks for, instead of what he needs.  This is very strong
+medicine, and is normally only required once.
+%
+The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
+none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
+Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
+Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
+talked about.
+		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
+%
+The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
+%
+The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going
+down.
+%
+The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to
+eat.
+		-- John McNulty
+%
+The Crown is full of it!
+		-- Nate Harris, 1775
+%
+The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should
+therefore be hushed.  A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could
+hardly be propagated.  If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to
+declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ...  In war,
+then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press.
+Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges.
+		-- William Ellery Channing
+%
+The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
+%
+The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of
+us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching
+Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
+%
+The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
+%
+The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
+%
+"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity?  If Gladstone fell
+into the Thames, it would be a misfortune.  But if someone dragged him
+out again, it would be a calamity."
+		-- Benjamin Disraeli
+%
+The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
+requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require
+scholarship.
+		-- Robert Heinlein
+%
+The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the
+following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
+
+	"I'm Jewish.  Count Basie's Jewish.  Ray Charles is Jewish.
+Eddie Cantor's goyish.  The B'nai Brith is goyish.  The Hadassah is
+Jewish.  Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
+	"Kool-Aid is goyish.  All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
+Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
+Instant potatoes -- goyish.  Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
+Macaroons are ____very Jewish.  Fruit salad is Jewish.  Lime Jell-O is
+goyish.  Lime soda is ____very goyish.  Trailer parks are so goyish that
+Jews won't go near them ..."
+		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on
+a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
+%
+The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man
+really clever who has not found that he is stupid.
+		-- Gilbert K. Chesterson
+%
+The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water.  Eager to show
+off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his
+next hunting trip.  Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the
+duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the
+duck and returned it to his master.
+	"Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
+	"Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't
+swim."
+%
+The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
+and owns the worm farm.
+		-- Travis McGee
+%
+The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
+%
+The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
+add ten percent.
+%
+The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
+weather forecasters.
+		-- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
+%
+"The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not
+Compute' -- I forget which."
+		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of
+civilization.
+		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with
+symposium to follow.
+%
+The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
+their children to speak it.
+		-- G. B. Shaw
+%
+The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
+remarkable Christian forbearance among men.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+The fact that it works is immaterial.
+		-- L. Ogborn
+%
+The faster we go, the rounder we get.
+		-- The Grateful Dead
+%
+The Fifth Rule:
+	You have taken yourself too seriously.
+%
+The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
+		-- Abbie Hoffman
+%
+The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
+Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a
+tragic death.  He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad
+forks.  Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously
+fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of
+threatening notes left on his breakfast tray.  At the time, this looked
+suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of
+foul play.  Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead
+one after the other in an odd fashion.  Some were found strangled with
+dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning.  A few were found
+drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown
+and beaten to death with a pot roast.  At least three appear to have
+thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture
+of grief over the King's untimely end.  Finally there was no one left
+in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed
+crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs.  The scullery slave
+Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when
+a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful
+throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.
+		-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
+%
+The first myth of management is that it exists.  The second myth of
+management is that success equals skill.
+		-- Robert Heller
+%
+The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
+child, was propounded to me by my father:
+	"What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and
+whistles?"
+	I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
+gave up.
+	"A herring," said my father.
+	"A herring," I echoed.  "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
+	"So hang it there."
+	"But a herring isn't green!"  I protested.
+	"Paint it."
+	"But a herring isn't wet."
+	"If it's just painted it's still wet."
+	"But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
+doesn't whistle!!"
+	"Right, " smiled my father.  "I just put that in to make it
+hard."
+		-- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
+%
+"The first rule of magic is simple.  Don't waste your time waving your
+hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do."
+		-- McCloctnik the Lucid
+%
+The First Rule of Program Optimization:
+	Don't do it.
+
+The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
+	Don't do it yet.
+		-- Michael Jackson
+%
+The first time, it's a KLUDGE!
+The second, a trick.
+Later, it's a well-established technique!
+		-- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
+%
+The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions
+Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals:
+
+As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of
+logical blocks.  From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more
+appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the
+four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector.
+	. . .
+Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible
+blocks form a line parallel to the track axis.  This line moves
+parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge
+of the hyper-cube.
+%
+The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
+a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
+%
+"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and
+vinyl."
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
+number of your kids by 32 teeth.
+%
+The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to
+chance.
+%
+The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
+%
+The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury.  Due north of the
+center we find the South End.  This is not to be confused with South
+Boston which lies directly east from the South End.  North of the South
+End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
+%
+The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled
+today.
+%
+The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
+least until we've finished building it.
+%
+The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.  The goal of nature
+is to build better mice.
+%
+The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.  They gave him
+love and he invented marriage.
+%
+THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
+	The one who has the gold makes the rules.
+%
+"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who
+make empty prophecies.  The danger already exists that mathematicians
+have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine
+man in the bonds of Hell."
+		-- St. Augustine
+%
+The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
+to be good.
+%
+	"The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")
+
+On the good ship Enterprise
+Every week there's a new surprise
+Where the Romulans lurk
+And the Klingons often go berserk.
+
+Yes, the good ship Enterprise
+There's excitement anywhere it flies
+Where Tribbles play
+And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.
+
+	See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
+	Mr. Spock is at his side.
+	The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
+	It gets fried, scattered far and wide.
+
+It's the good ship Enterprise
+Heading out where danger lies
+And you live in dread
+If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
+	-- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics
+%
+The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of
+statistics.  These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are
+extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive
+displays.  What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every
+case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts
+down anything he damn well pleases.
+		-- Sir Josiah Stamp
+%
+The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
+who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
+		-- Benjamin Franklin.
+%
+The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
+	The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
+courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk
+clerks.  Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods
+of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
+Hedgehog Eater.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men
+of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.
+		-- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
+%
+The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
+		-- Albert Einstein
+%
+The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
+whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary,
+nohow.
+%
+The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
+	You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
+%
+The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent
+thinkers.
+%
+The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,
+which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus.  Guaranteed to be at
+least 5000 years old."
+%
+The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for
+lists of "Ten Best".
+		-- H. Allen Smith
+%
+"The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and
+has gills through which it can see."
+		-- Monty Python
+%
+The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity
+-- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
+%
+The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange
+protein -- it rejects it.
+		-- P. Medawar
+%
+The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can
+remember.  Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider
+struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in
+spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and
+wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head
+off.  This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe.
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
+%
+The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
+procession but carrying a banner.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+The idea is to die young as late as possible.
+		-- Ashley Montagu
+%
+The idea is to die young as late as possible.
+		-- Ashley Montague
+%
+The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic
+devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers,
+where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with
+sledgehammers.  With their devices thus permanently destroyed,
+consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than
+have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones
+repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist
+of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic
+devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!"
+		-- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
+%
+"The identical is equal to itself, since it is different."
+		-- Franco Spisani
+%
+"The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit
+longer."
+		-- Henry Kissinger
+%
+The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf
+has.  Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know
+when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
+		-- Will Rogers
+%
+The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
+point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
+important thing to people.
+		-- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
+%
+The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
+number of participants.
+		-- Adam Walinsky
+%
+The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
+by the number of people in the group.
+%
+The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
+information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a
+dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly.  If you ask them a
+real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
+
+So, for guidance, you want to look to big business.  Big business never
+pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
+consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
+		-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
+%
+The Kennedy Constant:
+	Don't get mad -- get even.
+%
+The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
+%
+The ladies men admire, I've heard,
+Would shudder at a wicked word.
+Their candle gives a single light;
+They'd rather stay at home at night.
+They do not keep awake till three,
+Nor read erotic poetry.
+They never sanction the impure,
+Nor recognize an overture.
+They shrink from powders and from paints ...
+So far, I've had no complaints.
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+"The last time somebody said, `I find I can write much better with a
+word processor.', I replied, `They used to say the same thing about
+drugs.'
+		-- Roy Blount, Jr.
+%
+The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the
+law free.
+		-- Henry David Thoreau
+%
+The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
+poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
+bread.
+		-- Anatole France
+%
+"The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance.  He of all
+men should behave as though the law compelled him.  But it is the
+universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we
+presently imagine we own."
+		-- H.G. Wells
+%
+	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE
+
+SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
+Environment.  This language, developed at the Hanover College for
+Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
+with errors in it.  The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
+END and STOP.  No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
+a syntax error.  Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful.  Thus
+they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
+the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
+%
+	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP
+
+This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
+an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH".  LITHP is said
+to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
+%
+	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL
+
+SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
+Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
+compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
+coffee.  Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
+sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
+compile.  Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
+infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
+%
+	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE
+
+Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
+unstructured language.  Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just
+are.  Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions.
+SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at
+parties.
+%
+	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C-
+
+This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
+submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class.  C- is
+best described as a "low-level" programming language.  In fact, the
+language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
+statements to execute a given task.  In this respect, it is very
+similar to COBOL.
+%
+	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH
+
+FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
+refer to quantity.  The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
+JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
+BLOTTO.  Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
+CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
+
+The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
+financial status of its users.  Commands in the ELITE dialect include
+VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH
+and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
+who end up using this language.
+%
+	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE
+
+Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
+DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence.  The
+language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
+and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund.  A
+spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
+ours."
+
+The center is very pleased with progress to date.  They say they have
+almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
+organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
+exist.
+%
+	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL
+From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley,
+VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.
+
+Here is a sample program:
+	LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
+	IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND
+	   VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN
+		FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
+			DO*WAH - (DITTY**2)
+			BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
+		SURE
+	LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
+	REALLY
+	LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
+	IM*SURE
+	GOTO THE MALL
+
+When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:
+
+	GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!
+%
+	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK
+
+This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
+Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
+the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
+
+The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
+while they worked.  Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
+because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
+Perrier.
+
+Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
+and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
+case.  For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
+message:
+	"i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that.  can
+	you find the time to try it again?"
+%
+The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
+train.
+%
+The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
+%
+The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get
+much sleep.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
+		-- Henry Kissinger
+%
+"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
+we could with both of them."
+		-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
+%
+The makers may make
+and the users may use,
+but the fixers must fix
+with but minimal clues
+%
+The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the
+crowd.  The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no
+one has ever been.
+		-- Alan Ashley-Pitt
+%
+The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
+will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
+		-- Mark Twain.
+%
+The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
+soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which
+when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
+%
+"... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..."
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
+%
+	The men sat sipping their tea in silence.  After a while the
+klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
+
+	"Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other.  "Why?"
+
+	"How should I know?  What am I, a philosopher?"
+%
+The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
+devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
+		-- Lew Mammel, Jr.
+%
+The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might
+be general systems laws.  For example, Frank Harary once suggested the
+law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was
+guaranteed thereby not to be a science.  He would cite as examples
+Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking
+Science, Social Science, and Computer Science.  Discuss the generality
+of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive
+power.
+		-- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
+		   Thinking."
+%
+The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.
+		-- Laurence J. Peter
+%
+The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
+		-- Nicol Williamson
+%
+The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
+%
+The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
+%
+"The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
+lower the mailing cost."
+		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
+%
+The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and
+robbers there will be.
+		-- Lao Tsu
+%
+The more things change, the more they stay insane.
+%
+The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us
+is right.
+%
+The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
+		-- Andy Warhol
+%
+"The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
+to watch someone else do it wrong without comment."
+		-- Theodore H. White
+%
+The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
+discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
+		-- Isaac Asimov
+%
+The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
+%
+... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
+%
+	"... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
+	"Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
+feel interested.
+	"No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
+vexed.  "That's what the name is called.  The name really is, 'The Aged
+Aged Man.'"
+	"Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
+Alice corrected herself.
+	"No, you oughtn't:  that's quite another thing!  The song is
+called 'Ways and Means':  but that's only what it is called you know!"
+	"Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time
+completely bewildered.
+	"I was coming to that," the Knight said.  "The song really is
+"A-sitting on a Gate":  and the tune's my own invention."
+		-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
+%
+"The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
+1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert."
+		-- D. Letterman
+%
+The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
+	Support your right to bare arms!
+%
+The net of law is spread so wide,
+No sinner from its sweep may hide.
+Its meshes are so fine and strong,
+They take in every child of wrong.
+O wondrous web of mystery!
+Big fish alone escape from thee!
+		-- James Jeffrey Roche
+%
+The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.  I
+hope I don't get run over again.
+%
+The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
+in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
+
+	But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for
+	whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
+		-- Matthew 5:37
+%
+"The New York Times is read by the people who run the country.  The
+Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
+The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive
+and running the country ..."
+		-- Robert J Woodhead
+%
+The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to
+choose from.
+		-- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
+%
+The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the
+80-column card.
+		-- Dennis M. Ritchie
+%
+The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should
+serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society
+these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their
+function is to serve as checks upon the state.
+		-- Alan Barth
+%
+The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are
+correct.
+		-- Ralph Hartley
+%
+The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly
+analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their
+occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve
+these problems when called upon.
+
+However, When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to
+remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
+%
+The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
+	Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm,
+Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate
+Planning."
+%
+The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
+%
+The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age
+brings wisdom.
+		-- H. L. Mencken
+%
+The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.  Let the reader
+catch his own breath.
+		-- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
+%
+The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when
+to cringe.
+%
+The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the
+`social sciences' is: some do, some don't.
+		-- Ernest Rutherford
+%
+The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop
+and take a rest.
+%
+"The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon."
+		-- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
+		   Over and Over"
+%
+The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
+%
+The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber
+has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture,
+finished, and put inside boxes.
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.  It is never any
+use to oneself.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+"The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from
+history."
+		-- Hegel
+
+"I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the
+long view."
+		-- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
+%
+The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+The opossum is a very sophisticated animal.  It doesn't even get up
+until 5 or 6 p.m.
+%
+The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
+		-- Bohr
+%
+The optimum committee has no members.
+		-- Norman Augustine
+%
+The optimum committee has no members.
+		-- Norman Augustine
+%
+"The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost
+went back in time."
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+The past always looks better than it was.  It's only pleasant because
+it isn't here.
+		-- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
+%
+The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
+were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
+		-- H. L. Mencken
+%
+	The people of Halifax invented the trampoline.  During the
+Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a
+large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress'
+it.  The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the
+apparatus for a spectator sport.
+
+	The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
+castrating pigs during Sunday service.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
+Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
+Let others think his heart is big,
+I think it stupid of the Pig.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter.  The batter
+swang and missed.  The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the
+batter connected.  He hit a high fly right to the center fielder.  The
+center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute
+his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it.
+		-- Dizzy Dean
+%
+The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.
+		-- David Lardner
+%
+The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish
+to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified.  But it
+is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of
+courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own
+preferences.  Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper
+social function of expressing true distaste.
+		-- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to
+		   Excruciatingly Correct Behavior"
+%
+"The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more
+often."
+%
+The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
+	Were each of them once a kiddie.
+A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
+	Do I want one?  God Forbiddie!
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his
+brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is
+Jews!".  Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
+		-- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter
+%
+The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday
+they might force their beliefs on us.
+		-- Mario Cuomo
+%
+The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired
+warranty.  Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by
+changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped
+marker.
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
+constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
+appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA
+statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant.  This
+also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
+		-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
+%
+The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
+voters to win the next election.
+%
+The primary theme of SoupCon is communication.  The acronym "LEO"
+represents the secondary theme:
+
+	Law Enforcement Officials
+
+The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
+
+	Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
+%
+... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
+other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
+charity we can only call "inhuman."
+		-- R. A. Lafferty
+%
+The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
+stupidity of your action.
+%
+The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
+Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil
+using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle
+Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,
+etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous
+bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons.  None
+of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats
+developed cancer.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
+%
+The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go
+to erase it.
+		-- Glaser and Way
+%
+The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get
+results.
+
+The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
+problems in order to get results.
+
+The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy
+problems in order to get results.
+%
+The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be
+pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
+		-- Elizabeth Taylor
+%
+The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
+%
+The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
+outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by
+mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club.  Once
+tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims
+the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+"The pyramid is opening!"
+"Which one?"
+"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
+		-- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At
+		   Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
+%
+The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:
+	"My brain is paged out to my liver"
+%
+The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president?  What is
+it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television,
+that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of
+industrial waste?
+		-- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
+%
+The rain it raineth on the just
+	And also on the unjust fella,
+But chiefly on the just, because
+	The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
+%
+The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is
+cursed.
+%
+The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
+%
+The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose",
+which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape
+Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil
+Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
+%
+The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
+persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.  Therefore all
+progress depends on the unreasonable man.
+		-- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+The revolution will not be televised.
+%
+The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
+		-- Emerson
+%
+The rhino is a homely beast,
+For human eyes he's not a feast.
+Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
+I'll stare at something less prepoceros.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.  This
+means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
+%
+"The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests
+and to his imagination for his facts."
+		-- Sheridan
+%
+The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.
+		-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
+%
+"The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
+House Un-American Activities Committee].  We will determine what rights
+you have and what rights you have not got."
+		-- J. Parnell Thomas
+%
+The road to hell is paved with good intentions.  And littered with
+sloppy analysis!
+%
+The Roman Rule
+	The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
+	one who is doing it.
+%
+The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
+his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
+one leg.  The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
+take it too seriously.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+The rule on staying alive as a forcaster is to give 'em a number or
+give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
+		-- Jane Bryant Quinn
+%
+"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
+%
+The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
+showed that all had these things in common:
+
+	(1) They all had moderate appetites.
+	(2) They all came from middle class homes
+	(3) All but two of them were dead.
+%
+The scum also rises.
+		-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes,
+respectability and children.  Nothing can lift those seven milestones
+from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
+milestones are lifted.
+		-- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+	The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
+as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
+The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
+the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces.  Even though twenty-four parts in
+twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.
+
+	"Now about Lankhmar.  She's been invaded, her walls breached
+everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
+fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one --
+and equipped with all modern weapons.  Yet you can save the city."
+
+	"How?" demanded Fafhrd.
+
+	Ningauble shrugged.  "You're a hero.  You should know."
+		-- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar"
+%
+The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
+%
+The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
+		-- Noelie Alito
+%
+The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:
+	The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going
+in a direction you did not want.   (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long
+way.)
+		-- Dan Roddick
+%
+"The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity
+and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted
+activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ...
+neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water."
+%
+"The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their
+money."
+		-- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon"
+%
+"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!"
+%
+The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
+able to correct them.
+		-- Nicolaides
+%
+The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
+%
+The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's
+readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of
+some pieces of wood.  Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
+reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led
+the field for many years in both chess and ax murders.  It is well
+known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at
+Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program
+of preparation and incentive.  Every day for an entire year, a team of
+psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three
+Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick.  That
+these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a
+further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want
+something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from
+the Russians.
+		-- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
+%
+		The STAR WARS Song
+	Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:
+
+I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
+Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
+	S-O-D-A soda
+I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
+I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
+	Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
+
+Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
+A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
+	Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
+Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
+How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
+	Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
+%
+The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
+%
+The steady state of disks is full.
+		-- Ken Thompson
+%
+		      THE STORY OF CREATION
+			       or
+			 THE MYTH OF URK
+
+In the beginning there was data.  The data was without form and null,
+and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
+was moving over the face of the market.  And DEC said, "Let there be
+registers"; and there were registers.  And DEC saw that they carried;
+and DEC separated the data from the instructions.  DEC called the data
+Stack, and the instructions they called Code.  And there was evening
+and there was morning, one interrupt ...
+		-- Rico Tudor
+%
+The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make
+them unsafe.
+		-- Mayor Frank Rizzo
+%
+"The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and
+is an emerging underachiever."
+%
+The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant
+biology.
+%
+"The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren't
+even any property taxes."
+		-- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b
+%
+The sum of the Universe is zero.
+%
+The sun was shining on the sea,
+Shining with all his might:
+He did his very best to make
+The billows smooth and bright --
+And this was very odd, because it was
+The middle of the night.
+		-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
+%
+The superfluous is very necessary.
+		-- Voltaire
+%
+The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed.  Our
+authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as
+the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as
+the light of seven days."  Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
+radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much
+as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all.  The light we
+receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the
+Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will
+heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to
+the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
+heat as the Earth by radiation.  Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for
+radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the
+earth (-300K), gives _H as 798K (525C).  The exact temperature of Hell
+cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the
+fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which
+burneth with fire and brimstone."  A lake of molten brimstone means
+that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C.  We
+have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
+		-- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972
+%
+The Third Law of Photography:
+	If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
+when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark
+leaks out.
+%
+The Three Laws of Thermodynamics:
+
+The First Law:	You can't get anything without working for it.
+The Second Law:	The most you can accomplish by working is to break
+		even.
+The Third Law:	You can only break even at absolute zero.
+%
+		The Three Major Kind of Tools
+
+* Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
+  jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
+  manner that they function perfectly.  (These are your hammers, maces,
+  bludgeons, and truncheons.)
+
+* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot.  (Awls)
+
+* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
+  greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
+  (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
+  any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+The trouble with a kitten is that
+When it grows up, it's always a cat
+		-- Ogden Nash.
+%
+The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
+%
+The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
+it.
+		-- Franklin P. Jones
+%
+The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
+more important to do.
+%
+The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
+appreciates how difficult it was.
+%
+The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.
+		-- Ken Kesey
+%
+The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
+		-- Lenny Bruce
+%
+The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.  And
+vice versa.
+%
+The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
+Which practically conceal its sex.
+I think it clever of the turtle
+In such a fix to be so fertile.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+"The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and
+stupidity."
+%
+The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
+annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are
+"100 percent American"...
+		-- U. S. Army (1945)
+%
+The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
+everybody and still nobody likes him.
+		-- Jim Samuels
+%
+The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be
+broken.
+%
+The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
+combination is locked up in the safe.
+		-- Peter DeVries
+%
+The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
+Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall.  Philbin is said
+to make up for no talent by cheating well.  Says Philbin of his
+decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
+%
+The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
+religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
+from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
+yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
+world put together.
+		-- Sir Peter Medawar
+%
+The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
+regarded as a criminal offense.
+		-- E. W. Dijkstra
+%
+The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
+the worst cigars.
+		-- H. L. Mencken
+%
+The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid
+prejudice.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
+Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
+to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
+be one of the facts that needs altering.
+		-- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"
+%
+"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
+%
+"The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,
+it's just a tired feeling:"
+%
+The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
+%
+"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity
+that would be clearly understood."
+		-- Alexander Haig
+%
+"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
+with a large fortune."
+%
+The wind doth taste so bitter sweet,
+	Like Jaspar wine and sugar,
+It must have blown through someone's feet,
+	Like those of Caspar Weinberger.
+		-- P. Opus
+%
+	THE WOMBAT
+
+The wombat lives across the seas,
+Among the far Antipodes.
+He may exist on nuts and berries,
+Or then again, on missionaries;
+His distant habitat precludes
+Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
+But I would not engage the wombat
+In any form of mortal combat.
+%
+The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
+%
+The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!
+%
+The world is coming to an end.  Please log off.
+%
+The world's as ugly as sin,
+And almost as delightful
+		-- Frederick Locker-Lampson
+%
+The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
+four and eighteen.  At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
+the answers.
+%
+Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
+
+He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan,
+then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open
+market.
+
+If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should
+not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.
+
+Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
+Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
+Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
+		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
+%
+Then here's to the City of Boston,
+The town of the cries and the groans.
+Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,
+And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.
+		-- Franklin Pierce Adams
+%
+	THEORY
+Into love and out again,
+	Thus I went and thus I go.
+Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
+	Well and bitterly I know
+All the songs were ever sung,
+	All the words were ever said;
+Could it be, when I was young,
+	Someone dropped me on my head?
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
+%
+There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
+and praiseworthy ...
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+There are many intelligent species in the universe.  They all own
+cats.
+%
+There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis
+are chosen correctly.
+%
+There are no games on this system.
+%
+There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the
+existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any
+marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat
+engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool.  This is
+obviously impossible.
+				-- Richard Davisson
+%
+There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the
+truth without lying.
+%
+There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
+vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
+		-- Gloria Steinem
+%
+	There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
+someone isn't Jewish.  For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
+Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
+Larsen or Jenks.  But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
+every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish.  Why is
+this?
+	Who knows?  Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
+centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you
+can find one?  Get serious.  You don't even understand why it's
+forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
+-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter.  You don't
+even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
+why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz?  Fat Chance.
+		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+"There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
+plants and animals.  When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
+and when the lights go out, they turn into animals.  But then again,
+don't we all?"
+%
+"There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells
+and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated
+pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving
+them parched for wonder.  There are also those who believe that if you
+stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your
+intelligence."
+		-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
+%
+There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
+		-- Disraeli
+%
+"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
+from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
+loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
+%
+There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
+offered: entertainment, food, and affection.  It is customary to begin
+a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
+of food, and the merest suggestion of affection.  As the amount of
+affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
+When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
+Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
+		-- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
+%
+"There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and
+engineers.  While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far
+the more certain."
+		-- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
+%
+There are three schools of magic.  One:  State a tautology, then ring
+the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy.  Two:  Record many
+facts.  Try to find a pattern.  Then make a wrong guess at the next
+fact; that's science.  Three:  Be aware that you live in a malevolent
+Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's
+Factor; that's engineering.
+%
+There are three things I always forget.  Names, faces -- the third I
+can't remember.
+		-- Italo Svevo
+%
+There are three ways to get something done:
+	(1) Do it yourself.
+	(2) Hire someone to do it for you.
+	(3) Forbid your kids to do it.
+%
+There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire
+someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
+%
+There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is
+one of them.
+%
+There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
+the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
+sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
+%
+There are two types of people in this world, good and bad.  The good
+sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+"There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
+make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
+other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
+deficiencies."
+		-- C. A. R. Hoare
+%
+"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
+other is to read Pope."
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+There are two ways to write error-free programs.  Only the third one
+works.
+%
+There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
+suitable application of high explosives.
+%
+There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.
+		-- R. W. Gerard
+%
+There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.
+		-- Henry Kissinger
+%
+There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer
+than 100.
+		-- Steele's Law
+%
+There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
+nothing about.
+%
+There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
+opinion.
+		-- Anatole France
+%
+There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
+paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
+%
+There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
+%
+There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
+tied during the month of April.
+%
+There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.
+		-- Walt Disney
+%
+"There is a road to freedom.  Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor,
+Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and
+love of the Fatherland."
+		-- Adolf Hitler
+%
+There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe
+is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly
+inexplicable."
+
+There is another theory that states: "This has already happened ...."
+		-- Douglas Adams, "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
+what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
+disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
+inexplicable.  There is another theory which states that this has
+already happened.
+		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a
+vacuum."
+		-- Arthur C. Clarke
+%
+There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the
+tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not
+abuse it.  So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and
+war hold him in check.  And also the wife who wants him home by five,
+of course.
+		-- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
+%
+"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their
+home."
+		-- Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society
+		   Convention, 1977
+%
+There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it
+		-- G. B. Shaw
+%
+There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast
+reflexes.
+%
+There is no such thing as fortune.  Try again.
+%
+There is no time like the pleasant.
+%
+There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
+doing.
+%
+There is no TRUTH.  There is no REALITY.  There is no CONSISTENCY.
+There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS   I'm very probably wrong.
+%
+"There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine,"
+said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat.  "And yet just
+a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable
+question," said Nasrudin.  "I could have answered it if I had been
+there." "Very well.  He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
+the middle of the night?'"
+%
+There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the
+ocean level wouldn't cure.
+		-- Ross MacDonald
+%
+There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
+that is not being talked about.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesale
+returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+There once was a girl named Irene
+Who lived on distilled kerosene
+	But she started absorbin'
+	A new hydrocarbon
+And since then has never benzene.
+%
+There once was a member of Mensa
+Who was a most excellent fencer.
+	The sword that he used
+	Was his -- (line is refused,
+And has now been removed by the censor).
+%
+There once was an old man from Esser,
+Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
+	It at last grew so small,
+	He knew nothing at all,
+And now he's a College Professor.
+%
+"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved
+it."
+		-- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia
+%
+There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
+left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
+Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they
+started debating who should be allowed to stay.
+
+The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all
+over the world, the President explained that if he died then America
+would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth.  Then Mayor Daley
+said, "Look!  We're not solving anything like this!  The only fair
+thing to do is to vote on it."  So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97
+votes.
+%
+There was a young lady from Hyde
+Who ate a green apple and died.
+	While her lover lamented
+	The apple fermented
+And made cider inside her inside.
+%
+There was a young man who said "God,
+I find it exceedingly odd,
+	That the willow oak tree
+	Continues to be,
+When there's no one about in the Quad."
+
+"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
+For I'm always about in the Quad;
+	And that's why the tree,
+	Continues to be,"
+Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
+%
+There was a young poet named Dan,
+Whose poetry never would scan.
+	When told this was so,
+	He said, "Yes, I know.
+%
+There was a young poet named Dan,
+Whose poetry never would scan.
+	When told this was so,
+	He said, "Yes, I know.
+It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
+%
+"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
+both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
+talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
+during the trial."
+		-- David Letterman
+%
+There were in this country two very large monopolies.  The larger of
+the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-
+digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the
+8-cent postcard.  The second was responsible for such things as the
+transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity
+stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative
+feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching
+systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the
+first electrical digital computer, and the first communications
+satellite.  Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the
+telephone business?
+%
+There's a fine line between courage and foolishness.  Too bad it's not
+a fence.
+%
+There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
+%
+There's little in taking or giving,
+	There's little in water or wine:
+This living, this living, this living,
+	Was never a project of mine.
+Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
+	The gain of the one at the top,
+For art is a form of catharsis,
+	And love is a permanent flop,
+And work is the province of cattle,
+	And rest's for a clam in a shell,
+So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
+	Would you kindly direct me to hell?
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
+whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
+		-- Walt Kelly
+%
+There's no future in time travel
+%
+There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
+		-- Dr. Who
+%
+There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
+any worse.
+%
+There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
+%
+There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
+working for you.
+		-- Will Rodgers
+%
+"There's nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and dead
+armadillos."
+		-- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
+%
+"There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't
+aggravate."
+%
+There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
+what it is I'll get married again.
+		-- Clint Eastwood
+%
+There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is
+becoming an endangered synthetic.
+		-- Lily Tomlin
+%
+"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
+"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
+"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
+out of MEGATON MAN!"
+%
+These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they
+used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
+%
+They also surf who only stand on waves.
+%
+"They make a desert and call it peace."
+		-- Tacitus (55?-120?)
+%
+They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy".  Foreigners
+always spell better than they pronounce.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
+safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
+		-- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
+%
+"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"
+%
+They told me you had proven it		When they discovered our results
+	About a month before.			Their hair began to curl
+The proof was valid, more or less	Instead of understanding it
+	But rather less than more.		We'd run the thing through PRL.
+
+He sent them word that we would try	Don't tell a soul about all this
+	To pass where they had failed		For it must ever be
+And after we were done, to them		A secret, kept from all the rest
+	The new proof would be mailed.		Between yourself and me.
+
+My notion was to start again
+	Ignoring all they'd done
+We quickly turned it into code
+	To see if it would run.
+%
+They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
+%
+"They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really.  They'd be difficult
+to like."
+		-- Avon
+%
+Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
+%
+Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
+%
+Think big.  Pollute the Mississippi.
+%
+Think honk if you're a telepath.
+%
+Think of it!  With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
+%
+Think of your family tonight.  Try to crawl home after the computer
+crashes.
+%
+Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
+%
+"Thirty days hath Septober,
+April, June, and no wonder.
+all the rest have peanut butter
+except my father who wears red suspenders."
+%
+This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
+%
+This fortune cookie program out of order.  For those in desperate need,
+please use the program "________randchar".  This program generates random
+characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
+something profound.  It will, however, take it no time at all to be
+more profound than THIS program has ever been.
+%
+This fortune intentionally not included.
+%
+This fortune is false.
+%
+This fortune is inoperative.  Please try another.
+%
+"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
+regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling
+keys ..."
+%
+"This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT
+DOG."
+		-- Bob Violence
+%
+"This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.  If this had been an
+actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?"
+%
+This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly,
+because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under
+which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has
+"deregulated" the airline industry.  What this means for you, the
+consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any
+rules whatsoever.  They can show snuff movies.  They can charge for
+oxygen.  They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill
+Person School.  They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers
+over water.  They can ram competing planes in mid-air.  These
+innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been
+passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
+amazingly low fares, such as $29.  Of course, certain restrictions do
+apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark,
+and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
+%
+This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
+%
+This is for all ill-treated fellows
+	Unborn and unbegot,
+For them to read when they're in trouble
+	And I am not.
+		-- A. E. Housman
+%
+"This is lemma 1.1.  We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back
+to one."
+		-- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
+%
+This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
+%
+THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
+
+If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
+contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene?  We cannot continue
+without your support.  Less than 14% of all fortune users are
+contributors.  That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride.  We
+can't go on like this much longer.  Federal cutbacks mean less money
+for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
+difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
+and 8 a.m.  Don't let this happen.  Mail your fortunes right now to
+"fortune".  Just type in your favorite pithy saying.  Do it now before
+you forget.  Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
+Don't miss out.  All fortunes will be acknowledged.  If you contribute
+30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
+Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide.  If you contribute 50 or
+more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....
+%
+This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
+%
+This is the first numerical problem I ever did.  It demonstrates the
+power of computers:
+
+Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods.  Instruct
+the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a
+minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content.  The
+results are that one should eat each day:
+
+	1/2 chicken
+	1 egg
+	1 glass of skim milk
+	27 heads of lettuce.
+		-- Rev. Adrian Melott
+%
+This is the story of the bee
+Whose sex is very hard to see
+
+You cannot tell the he from the she
+But she can tell, and so can he
+
+The little bee is never still
+She has no time to take the pill
+
+And that is why, in times like these
+There are so many sons of bees.
+%
+This is your fortune.
+%
+This land is full of trousers!
+this land is full of mausers!
+	And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
+		-- Firesign Theater
+%
+This land is made of mountains,
+This land is made of mud,
+This land has lots of everything,
+For me and Elmer Fudd.
+
+This land has lots of trousers,
+This land has lots of mousers,
+And pussycats to eat them
+When the sun goes down.
+%
+This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an actual life,
+you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
+to go.
+%
+This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
+%
+This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
+great force.
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
+the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time.  Many
+solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
+largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
+which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
+paper that were unhappy.
+		-- Douglas Adams
+%
+"This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
+something child-like."
+		-- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454
+%
+This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland
+student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.
+
+	One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use
+	Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one
+	computer language to another and has a built-in editing system
+	which identifies errors in the original program.
+%
+This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
+		-- Hofstadter
+%
+... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives
+as well.  When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as
+determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.  Eighties people
+buy imported dental floss.  They buy gourmet baking soda.  If an '80s
+couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three
+weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available,
+they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent
+restaurant.  If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of
+excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going
+off like crickets in the night.  An excellent restaurant wouldn't have
+a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli.
+		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
+%
+This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget
+it.
+%
+	Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
+rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
+than he does.
+	As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
+it.  I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
+sane.  But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
+consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade.  Inwardly, he is
+being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
+	The disease is fatal.  There is no known cure.  The most we can
+do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
+honor.  From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
+be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
+relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
+Thompson's disease.  I don't have it this morning.  It comes and goes.
+This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
+		-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
+		   from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
+		   and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
+%
+Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those
+of us who do.
+%
+Those who can't write, write manuals.
+%
+Those who can, do.  Those who can't, simulate.
+%
+"Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics."
+		-- French Proverb
+%
+Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
+		-- Henry Spencer
+%
+Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents,
+for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
+		-- Aristotle
+%
+Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often
+surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
+		-- Mark B. Cohen
+%
+Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
+%
+Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent
+revolution inevitable.
+		-- John F. Kennedy
+%
+Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are
+men who want rain without thunder and lightning.  They want the ocean
+without the roar of its many waters.
+		-- Frederick Douglass
+%
+Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
+the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic.  A fourth affirms, with
+Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
+whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A
+fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
+more about the matter than the others.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Time flies like an arrow
+Fruit flies like a banana
+%
+Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
+%
+Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so.
+		-- Ford Prefect
+%
+Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
+once.
+%
+'Tis the dream of each programmer,
+Before his life is done,
+To write three lines of APL,
+And make the damn things run.
+%
+		(to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
+Scratch the disks, dump the core,	Shut it down, pull the plug
+Roll the tapes across the floor,	Give the core an extra tug
+And the system is going to crash.	And the system is going to crash.
+Teletypes smashed to bits.		Mem'ry cards, one and all,
+Give the scopes some nasty hits		Toss out halfway down the hall
+And the system is going to crash.	And the system is going to crash.
+And we've also found			Just flip one switch
+When you turn the power down,		And the lights will cease to twitch
+You turn the disk readers into trash.	And the tape drives will crumble
+						in a flash.
+Oh, it's so much fun,			When the CPU
+Now the CPU won't run			Can print nothing out but "foo,"
+And the system is going to crash.	The system is going to crash.
+%
+	To A Quick Young Fox:
+Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
+Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
+Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp --
+Zow!  Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
+		-- Lazy Dog
+%
+To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
+%
+To be is to do.
+		-- I. Kant
+To do is to be.
+		-- A. Sartre
+Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
+		-- F. Flinstone
+%
+"To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore
+this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to
+offer in response is based on information available to make no such
+statement."
+%
+To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
+call it the target.
+%
+To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
+%
+"To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System"
+%
+To err is human, to moo bovine.
+%
+To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.
+		-- B. Duggan
+%
+To generalize is to be an idiot.
+		-- William Blake
+%
+To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
+men, two of them absent.
+%
+To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
+		-- Thomas Edison
+%
+To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
+%
+To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
+%
+To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide
+a test load.
+%
+To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
+system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
+inelegant, and unsatisfying.  But it's a question of congruence:
+precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
+uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
+well-defined ones.  Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
+of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
+secure ecological niche.
+		-- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
+%
+To understand this important story, you have to understand how the
+telephone company works.  Your telephone is connected to a local
+computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is
+in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the
+lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan.
+
+Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in.  If it
+suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the
+computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the
+one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe
+break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid
+incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse,
+an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca
+pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's
+loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen
+and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own
+		   Phones?"
+%
+"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?"
+%
+"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
+%
+Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
+%
+Today is the first day of the rest of the mess
+%
+Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
+%
+Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
+%
+Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
+
+And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
+		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
+%
+"Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
+cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream.  Join us soon for more 
+spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog."
+		-- Bob & Ray
+%
+"Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
+except in major motion pictures."
+		-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
+%
+Toilet Toup'ee, n.:
+	Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
+creating endless annoyance to male users.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
+%
+Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
+%
+Too clever is dumb.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
+		-- Mae West
+%
+Too much of everything is just enough.
+		-- Bob Wier
+%
+Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
+briefcases.
+		-- Governor Jerry Brown
+%
+Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the
+earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century.
+As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help.
+Please...
+
+			CONSERVE GRAVITY
+
+Follow these simple suggestions:
+
+(1)  Walk with a light step.  Carry helium balloons if possible.
+(2)  Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
+(3)  Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like
+     curling.
+(4)  Avoid showers .. take baths instead.
+(5)  Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big
+     pile.
+(6)  Stop flipping pancakes
+%
+Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
+%
+Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
+in eucalyptus trees.
+%
+Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant
+intelligence.
+		-- Henrik Tikkanen
+%
+Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Truth will be out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)
+%
+Truthful, adj.:
+	Dumb and illiterate.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.
+		-- Charles Schulz
+%
+Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no
+good.
+%
+Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading:  Was it done,
+is it being done, or is something to be done?  Reports are now written
+in four tenses:  past tense, present tense, future tense, and
+pretense.  Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer),
+defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the
+absolutely perfect future.
+		-- Amrom Katz
+%
+Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
+%
+Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
+specification is that it should run noiselessly.
+%
+Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
+		-- Alan Watts
+%
+Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard.
+%
+Turnaucka's Law:
+	The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
+electrical cord.
+%
+Tussman's Law:
+	Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
+%
+TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
+		-- Frank Lloyd Wright
+%
+'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
+Did gyre and gimble in their cave
+All mimsy was the CS-VAX
+And Cory raths outgrabe.
+
+"Beware the software rot, my son!
+The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
+Beware the broken pipe, and shun
+The frumious system crash!"
+%
+		'Twas the Night before Crisis
+
+'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
+	Not a program was working not even a browse.
+The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
+	Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
+The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
+	While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
+When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
+	I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
+And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
+	But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
+More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
+	And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
+On Update!  On Add!  On Inquiry!  On Delete!
+	On Batch Jobs!  On Closing!  On Functions Complete!
+His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
+	From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
+A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
+	Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
+%
+'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
+   preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
+   throughout our place of residence,
+Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
+   possessors of this potential, including that
+   species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
+Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
+   edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,
+Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
+   imminent visitation from an eccentric
+   philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations
+   is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
+%
+Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
+		-- Walt Kelly
+%
+Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
+		-- Howard Kandel
+%
+Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate.  The first man
+said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation."  The
+second man said, "He bit it himself."  Nasrudin withdrew to his
+chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear.  He succeeded
+only in falling over and bruising his forehead.  Returning to the
+courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten.
+If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is
+dismissed.  If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and
+must pay three silver pieces."
+%
+Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
+%
+"Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory.
+I forget the second."
+%
+Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
+%
+U:	There's a U -- a Unicorn!
+	Run right up and rub its horn.
+	Look at all those points you're losing!
+	UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
+		-- The Roguelet's ABC
+%
+"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex."
+
+(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
+		-- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
+%
+UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
+%
+"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
+
+"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,
+right?"
+		-- MacNelley, "Shoe"
+%
+Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
+	Never use your thumb for a rule.  You'll either hit it with a
+hammer or get a splinter in it.
+%
+Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
+	Never use your thumb for a rule.  You'll either hit it with a
+hammmer or get a splinter in it.
+%
+Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
+just man is also a prison.
+		-- Henry David Thoreau
+%
+Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
+just man is also in prison.
+		-- Henry David Thoreau
+%
+Under deadline pressure for the next week.  If you want something, it
+can wait.  Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ...
+%
+Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
+	Superiority is recessive.
+%
+Unfair animal names:
+
+-- tsetse fly			-- bullhead
+-- booby			-- duck-billed platypus
+-- sapsucker			-- Clarence
+		-- Gary Larson
+%
+United Nations, New York, December 25.  The peace and joy of the
+Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of
+all the military forces of the world.  Panic reigns in the hearts of
+all the patriots of every persuasion.
+
+Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
+world.
+		-- Isaac Asimov
+%
+Universe, n.:
+	The problem.
+%
+University, n.:
+	Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
+usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
+fix it, and ...
+%
+unix soit qui mal y pense
+%
+UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
+Tue Nov  5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).
+		-- Andy Tannenbaum
+%
+Unnamed Law:
+	If it happens, it must be possible.
+%
+Unquestionably, there is progress.  The average American now pays out
+twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
+		-- H. L. Mencken
+%
+Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
+%
+User n.:
+	A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
+%
+USER, n.:
+	The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
+		-- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
+%
+Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
+		-- S. C. Johnson
+%
+Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
+opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
+		-- Doug Larson
+%
+Vail's Second Axiom:
+	The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
+amount of work already completed.
+%
+Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...
+Tom:	 I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...
+		-- Tom Chapin
+%
+Van Roy's Law:
+	An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
+%
+Vanilla, adj.:
+	Ordinary flavor, standard.  See FLAVOR.  When used of food,
+very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla
+extract!  For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply
+"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot
+and sour won ton soup.
+%
+Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
+	(1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
+	    once.
+	(2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
+	    points.
+%
+Veni, Vidi, Visa.
+%
+	"Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly.  "In the past
+year strange and fearful wonders I have seen.  Fields sown with barley
+reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their
+artichoke hearts.  There has been a hot day in December and a blue
+moon.  Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon
+Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen.  The earth splits and the
+entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots.  The face of the
+sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips."
+
+	"But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
+
+	"Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made
+good copy."
+		-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
+%
+Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
+%
+Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
+Orac: "It is unlikely.  I would predict there are far greater mistakes
+      waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
+%
+Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
+		-- Salvor Hardin
+%
+Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the
+yard.
+%
+VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
+	Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to
+	ten without using your fingers.  Be careful dressing this
+	morning.  You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
+	wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
+	that old underwear you own.
+%
+VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
+	You are the logical type and hate disorder.  This nitpicking is
+	sickening to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional and
+	sometimes fall asleep while making love.  Virgos make good bus
+	drivers.
+%
+"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
+%
+Virtue is its own punishment.
+%
+Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
+from where you left them to where you can't find them.
+%
+Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
+%
+VMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M.
+%
+Vote anarchist
+%
+Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
+TAX-DEFERRED!
+%
+VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
+%
+
+	*** System shutdown message from root ***
+
+System going down in 60 seconds
+
+
+%
+"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
+1st customer: "I'll have tea."
+2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
+	(Waiter exits, returns)
+Waiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?"
+%
+Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
+%
+War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
+		-- Charles Edward Montague
+%
+War is peace.  Freedom is slavery.  Ketchup is a vegetable.
+%
+		WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
+
+Firings will continue until morale improves.
+%
+	WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
+
+Firings will continue until morale improves.
+%
+WARNING:
+	Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
+mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on
+your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war.
+%
+Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
+those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking
+up.
+		-- Chicago Reader 4/22/83
+%
+Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
+%
+Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
+		-- John F. Kennedy
+%
+Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
+%
+Wasting time is an important part of living.
+%
+Watson's Law:
+	The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
+number and significance of any persons watching it.
+%
+We are all agreed that your theory is crazy.  The question which
+divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being
+correct.  My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough.
+		-- Niels Bohr
+%
+We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+We are all worms.  But I do believe I am a glowworm.
+		-- Winston Churchill
+%
+We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
+		-- Whole Earth Catalog
+%
+We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
+		-- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
+%
+We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
+socialism, because socialism is defunct.  It dies all by itself.  The
+bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say
+socialism?
+		-- Fidel Castro
+%
+"We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last
+theorem."
+		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+"We are upping our standards ... so up yours."
+		-- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988.
+%
+We can defeat gravity.  The problem is the paperwork involved.
+%
+We can predict everything, except the future.
+%
+We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is
+deceased.  My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
+		-- James E. Day, Postmaster General
+%
+"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"
+		-- Vroomfondel
+%
+"We don't care.  We don't have to.  We're the Phone Company."
+%
+We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a
+fish.
+%
+We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the
+hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights!
+%
+We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?
+		-- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission
+%
+"We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
+hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
+mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
+our grave singing Haleleuia ..."
+		-- Monty Python
+%
+We have met the enemy, and he is us.
+		-- Walt Kelly
+%
+We have only two things to worry about:  That things will never get
+back to normal, and that they already have.
+%
+"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his
+hands for masturbation."
+		-- Lily Tomlin
+%
+We have the flu.  I don't know if this particular strain has an
+official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death
+Flu".  You may have had it yourself.  The main symptom is that you wish
+you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that
+said "ELECTROCUTION".
+
+Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your
+teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength.  Midway through the brushing
+process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a
+couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways
+out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste
+stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom
+floor, which is how the police would find you.
+
+You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
+%
+We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all
+purely intellectual fields.  But which are the best ones to start
+with?  Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the
+playing of chess, would be best.  It can also be maintained that it is
+best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can
+buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English.
+		-- Alan M. Turing
+%
+We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
+respect their good judgement.
+%
+We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass
+no matter how self-seeking.
+		-- F. G. Withington
+%
+We ought to be very grateful that we have tools.  Millions of years ago
+people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult.
+For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had
+to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare
+fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with
+primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how
+ugly paneling is to begin with.
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+We really don't have any enemies.  It's just that some of our best
+friends are trying to kill us.
+%
+	We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.
+But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle
+Haggard song at a French restaurant. ...
+	I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of
+her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile.  There had been a fight.  I
+had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls.  Everyone
+told him, "You ride the bull, senor.  You do not fight it."  But he was
+lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull.  And then he
+fought me.  And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing
+what men must do. ...
+	"Stop the car," the girl said.  There was a look of terrible
+sadness in her eyes.  She knew about the woman of the tollway.  I knew
+not how.  I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a
+quiet and peace I will never forget.
+	"I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the
+tollway belle's for thee."
+	The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was
+a lie.  Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I
+poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day.
+		-- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
+		   Competition
+%
+We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one
+technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
+%
+we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
+we will cry over things we used to laugh &
+our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile
+creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
+in the end a summer with wild winds &
+new friends will be.
+%
+We wish you a Hare Krishna
+We wish you a Hare Krishna
+We wish you a Hare Krishna
+And a Sun Myung Moon!
+		-- Maxwell Smart
+%
+"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later."
+%
+We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
+the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
+you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
+in his bowl full of jelly.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
+%
+We're only in it for the volume.
+		-- Black Sabbath
+%
+We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away.  The center
+of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away.  You could drive that in a week,
+but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
+		-- Andy Rooney
+%
+Weiler's Law:
+	Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
+himself.
+%
+Weinberg's First Law:
+	Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
+%
+Weinberg's Principle:
+	An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
+sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
+%
+Weinberg's Second Law:
+	If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
+then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
+%
+Weiner's Law of Libraries:
+	There are no answers, only cross references.
+%
+Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.  He'll come in handy if
+you run out of food.
+		-- Dean McLaughlin.
+%
+Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a
+lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke.  Hartke is a
+governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the
+reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top
+contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination.  These men
+will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the
+most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and
+appearing on "Meet the Press".  "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday
+morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit
+interested in.  It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a
+guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through
+the entire show without answering a single question ...
+		-- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
+%
+Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
+back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
+or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
+they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
+		-- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
+%
+"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can*
+you believe?!"
+		-- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
+%
+Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
+	And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
+I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
+	I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
+
+If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
+	Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
+'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
+	I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
+
+On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
+	But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
+Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
+	I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
+		-- Core Dumped Blues
+%
+"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"
+
+"Piece of cake, Master?  Radial slice of baked confection ...
+coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
+		-- Dr. Who
+%
+"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is
+no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five
+hundred."
+		-- The Mahabharata.
+%
+Westheimer's Discovery:
+	A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
+couple of hours in the library.
+%
+Wethern's Law:
+	Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
+%
+"What are we going to do?"
+
+"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions.  I'm looking for
+something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
+short initiation period."
+%
+"What are you doing?"
+
+"Examining the world's major religions.  I'm looking for something
+that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short
+initiation period."
+%
+What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
+%
+	"What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty
+teenager asked her mother.
+	"Encouragement, dear," she replied.
+%
+What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
+%
+What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
+%
+What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
+%
+What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
+%
+"What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so
+that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our
+country. Nice try anyway, George."
+		-- D.J. on KSFO/KYA
+%
+What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the
+entrance?
+%
+What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
+in his footsteps?
+%
+What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower
+stall.  Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed
+barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character
+from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of
+while he showers.  Then I hop right back into the stall because our
+dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up
+powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the
+bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any
+one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact
+lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where
+you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah",
+if you get my drift.  Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with
+that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it;
+they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to
+flush one of the toilets.  Perhaps several of them.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
+%
+What I tell you three times is true.
+%
+"What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
+sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up
+with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always
+came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at
+parties.
+		-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
+%
+What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
+%
+"What I've done, of course, is total garbage."
+		-- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
+%
+What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?  In that case, I
+definitely overpaid for my carpet.
+		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?  Or what's
+worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
+		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+What is a magician but a practising theorist?
+		-- Obi-Wan Kenobi
+%
+What is mind?  No matter.
+What is matter?  Never mind.
+		-- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
+%
+What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern
+computer?  It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest
+and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
+%
+"What is the Nature of God?"
+
+    CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=
+    1 QT. SOUR CREAM
+    1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT
+    1/2 CUT CHIVES.
+    STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.
+
+"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."
+		-- Bloom County
+%
+"What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?"
+		-- Bertold Brecht
+%
+"What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
+which is the exact opposite."
+		-- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928
+%
+What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
+%
+What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
+to compare it with.
+%
+What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
+It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
+and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
+and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes,
+women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
+mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
+and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort."
+		-- Susan Gordon
+%
+What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
+		-- Ursula K. LeGuin
+%
+What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
+%
+What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
+%
+What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
+%
+What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent
+bagel.
+%
+What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
+%
+What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
+%
+What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
+%
+What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
+%
+What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
+%
+What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon.
+%
+What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
+		-- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
+%
+What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which
+nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday
+Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-
+launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just
+remains 7 a.m.  This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual
+process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still
+be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
+		-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
+%
+What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
+%
+"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+	"What's that thing?"
+	"Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
+computer repair.  Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
+it does.  We call it a two-by-four."
+		-- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe"
+%
+"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
+		-- Dr. Who
+%
+"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
+		-- The Doctor
+%
+Whatever became of eternal truth?
+%
+Whatever became of Strange de Jim?  Well, he found a substitute for
+cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils
+as far as they will go.  Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding
+hundred dollar bills."
+		-- Herb Caen
+%
+Whatever is not nailed down is mine.  What I can pry loose is not
+nailed down.
+		-- Collis P. Huntingdon
+%
+"Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not
+cockroaches!"
+		-- Mom
+%
+When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the
+money is.
+		-- Robespierre
+%
+When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the
+thing," it's the money.
+		-- Kim Hubbard
+%
+When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
+loop?
+%
+When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is
+not far away.  It is time to go elsewhere.  The best thing about space
+travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
+		-- Robert Heinlein
+%
+When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the
+sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes.  The dog has certain
+relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
+		-- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle
+		   Maintenance"
+%
+When all other means of communication fail, try words.
+%
+"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo
+tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?"
+		-- Reuben Flagg
+%
+When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
+the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
+		-- Vine Deloria, Jr.
+%
+When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?  Well, last year, I
+think it was a Tuesday.
+%
+When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to
+guarantee them.
+%
+"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
+parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if
+I'm leaving."
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
+year.  I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
+winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
+%
+When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young
+ladies, and, of course, the goat.
+%
+When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President.  Now
+I'm beginning to believe it.
+		-- Clarence Darrow
+%
+When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
+take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
+and get you."
+		-- Jerry Lewis
+%
+"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
+firearms with me.  I said, `Well, what do you need?'"
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into
+the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an
+act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school.  A
+group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a
+six-year-old.  "It is always so," my mother said.  "You do things
+together which not one of you would think of doing alone."  ...
+Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective
+responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards.  The military
+establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have
+been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
+together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
+		-- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
+%
+When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
+or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
+cannot remember any but the things that never happened.  It is sad to
+go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
+%
+"When in doubt, tell the truth."
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+When in doubt, use brute force.
+		-- Ken Thompson
+%
+When in panic, fear and doubt,
+Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.
+%
+When love is gone, there's always justice.
+And when justice is gone, there's always force.
+And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
+Hi, Mom!
+		-- Laurie Anderson
+%
+When Marriage is Outlawed,
+Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
+%
+When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment
+results.
+		-- Calvin Coolidge
+%
+When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony
+concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years --
+and I find I mind it less and less."
+		-- Louise Andrews Kent
+%
+When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity:
+for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when
+your boss is away and you get twice as much done.
+		-- Daniel B. Luten
+%
+When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
+say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
+%
+"When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical"
+		-- Jon Carroll
+%
+When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you
+modify the problem, not the remedy.
+%
+When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
+the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
+nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is
+metaphysics.
+		-- Voltaire
+%
+When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
+stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
+from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
+were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
+corners as bodies of a lower grade ...
+		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
+plane will fly.
+		-- Donald Douglas
+%
+When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
+insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
+required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
+exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
+		-- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is
+not hereditary.
+		-- Thomas Paine
+%
+When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --
+except our fingertips will have been singed.
+		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of
+investigation of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand,
+so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or
+swayed, directly to the goal.
+		-- Amrom Katz
+%
+"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
+%
+When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
+%
+When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
+		-- Harry Truman
+%
+	When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
+clarified your attitude toward him.  You have given a definite answer
+to a definite problem.  For better or worse you have acted decisively.
+	In a way, the next move is up to him.
+		-- R. A. Lafferty
+%
+"When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite." 
+		-- Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war
+%
+When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
+asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
+know the answer either.
+		-- Edgar R. Fiedler
+%
+When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
+		-- The Wall Street Journal
+%
+When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the
+impression you will make.
+%
+When you're away, I'm restless, lonely,
+Wretched, bored, dejected; only
+Here's the rub, my darling dear
+I feel the same when you are near.
+		-- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away"
+%
+When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
+%
+Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really".
+		-- Dave Parnas
+%
+Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to
+see it tried on him personally.
+		-- A. Lincoln
+%
+Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
+you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
+Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
+		-- Mark Twain
+		   "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
+%
+Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
+to reform.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
+
+	Oh, dear, where can the matter be
+	When it's converted to energy?
+	There is a slight loss of parity.
+	Johnny's so long at the fair.
+%
+Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
+is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
+		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
+%
+Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
+%
+Whether you can hear it or not
+The Universe is laughing behind your back
+		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
+%
+Which is worse: ignorance or apathy?  Who knows?  Who cares?
+%
+While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is
+admission to someone else.
+%
+While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
+The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
+While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
+And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
+Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
+The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
+		-- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
+		   November 26, 1792
+%
+While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
+%
+While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
+keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
+		-- Edward Stevenson
+%
+While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own
+form of misery.
+%
+While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining
+position.
+%
+While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their
+correctness never does.
+%
+While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very
+reassuring to know that it's still there.
+%
+While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
+safe, for you can watch both of his.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Whistler's Law:
+	You never know who is right, but you always know who is in
+charge.
+%
+"Who cares if it doesn't do anything?  It was made with our new
+Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..."
+%
+Who made the world I cannot tell;
+'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
+My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
+I never soiled with such a deed.
+		-- A. E. Housman
+%
+Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
+%
+Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
+%
+Who's on first?
+%
+"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
+		-- George Ade
+%
+Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
+%
+Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
+%
+"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'?  I could
+have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."
+		-- Ian Shoales
+%
+"Why be a man when you can be a success?"
+		-- Bertold Brecht
+%
+Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we
+have?
+%
+Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
+%
+Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
+avoid responsibility with?
+%
+Why did the Roman Empire collapse?  What is the Latin for office
+automation?
+%
+Why do we have two eyes?  To watch 3-D movies with.
+%
+Why does man kill?  He kills for food.  And not only food: frequently
+there must be a beverage.
+		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have
+more lawyers?
+
+New Jersey had first choice.
+%
+Why don't elephants eat penguins ?
+
+Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
+%
+Why I Can't Go Out With You:
+
+I'd LOVE to, but ...
+	-- I have to floss my cat.
+	-- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
+	-- I need to spend more time with my blender.
+	-- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
+	-- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
+	-- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
+	-- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
+	-- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
+	-- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
+	-- I have some really hard words to look up.
+	-- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
+	-- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
+%
+"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is
+because we are not the person involved"
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?
+%
+"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
+		-- Lily Tomlin
+%
+"Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
+you knowing nothing?"
+		-- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
+%
+Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
+Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
+children open their old-fashioned presents.
+
+Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"
+
+You:	"A spinning top!  You spin it around, and then eventually it
+	falls down.  What fun!  Ha, ha!"
+
+Son:	"Is this a joke?  Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
+	with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
+	and I get this cretin TOP?"
+
+Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad?  Look at this."
+
+You:	"It's figgy pudding!  What a treat!"
+
+Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
+		-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
+%
+"Why was I born with such contemporaries?"
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
+	No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
+when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
+direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
+		-- John L.  Shelton
+%
+Wiker's Law:
+	Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
+%
+		William Safire's Rules for Writers:
+
+Remember to never split an infinitive.  The passive voice should never
+be used.  Do not put statements in the negative form.  Verbs have to
+agree with their subjects.  Proofread carefully to see if you words
+out.  If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
+of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.  A writer must
+not shift your point of view.  And don't start a sentence with a
+conjunction.  (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
+sentence with.)  Don't overuse exclamation marks!!  Place pronouns as
+close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
+words, to their antecedents.  Writing carefully, dangling participles
+must be avoided.  If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
+linking verb is.  Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
+metaphors.  Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.  Everyone should
+be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
+writing.  Always pick on the correct idiom.  The adverb always follows
+the verb.  Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
+viable alternatives.
+%
+Williams and Holland's Law:
+	If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
+statistical methods.
+%
+Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
+it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
+%
+Wit, n.:
+	The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery
+... by leaving it out.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
+try to be a fraud and a half.
+		-- Otto von Bismark
+%
+With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
+		-- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once
+build a nuclear balm?
+%
+With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
+miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and
+still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no
+such thing as progress.
+		-- Ransom K. Ferm
+%
+Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
+%
+Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
+	(1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
+	(2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
+	(3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
+	(4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
+	    VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
+	(5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
+		-- Rich Kulawiec
+%
+Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource.  If
+you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place.  And if you cut
+down the new tree, still another will grow.  And if you cut down that
+tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
+long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
+there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
+come back.
+
+Wood heat is not new.  It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
+when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
+Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire.  One of the
+cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey!  Wood
+heat!"  The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
+beat him to death with stones.  But the key discovery had been made,
+and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
+although their insurance rates went way up.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
+%
+Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
+	We are no longer allowing this practice.  We wish to discourage
+any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you
+should not consider having anything removed.  We hired you as you are,
+and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we
+bargained for.
+%
+Workers of the world, arise!  You have nothing to lose but your
+chairs.
+%
+World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
+dress code!
+%
+Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
+	August.  The lines are the shortest, though.
+		-- Steve Rubenstein
+%
+Worst Month of the Year:
+	February.  February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
+you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't
+get.  Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
+		-- Steve Rubenstein
+%
+Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
+	From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
+in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs
+damage my videotapes?"
+%
+Worst Vegetable of the Year:
+	The brussels sprout.  This is also the worst vegetable of next
+year.
+		-- Steve Rubenstein
+%
+"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
+
+"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat
+		-- Lewis Carrol
+%
+"Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
+and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer
+if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and
+and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and
+and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?"
+%
+Write-Protect Tab, n.:
+	A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly
+left by disk manufacturers.  The use of the tab creates an error
+message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the
+momentary inconvenience.
+		-- Robb Russon
+%
+Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
+		-- Frank Zappa
+%
+"Wrong," said Renner.
+
+"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
+the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
+%
+X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the
+imagination is the plot.
+%
+Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
+%
+Xerox never comes up with anything original.
+%
+XIIdigitation, n.:
+	The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made
+by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
+goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
+their endless search for "one more feature".  Their irritating
+unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
+doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
+		-- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
+%
+Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall
+fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic
+operators together.
+		-- Steve Higgins
+%
+"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."
+%
+Year, n.:
+	A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
+%
+Yes, but which self do you want to be?
+%
+Yesterday I was a dog.  Today I'm a dog.  Tomorrow I'll probably still
+be a dog. Sigh!  There's so little hope for advancement.
+		-- Snoopy
+%
+Yesterday upon the stair
+I met a man who wasn't there.
+He wasn't there again today --
+I think he's from the CIA.
+%
+Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
+		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
+%
+Yinkel, n.:
+	A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one
+will notice.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
+%
+You are here:   
+		***
+		***
+	     *********
+	      *******
+	       *****
+		***
+		 *
+
+		 But you're not all there.
+%
+"You are old, Father William," the young man said,
+	"All your papers these days look the same;
+Those William's would be better unread --
+	Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
+
+"In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
+	"I wrote wonderful papers galore;
+But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
+	Made it pointless to think any more."
+%
+"You are old, father William," the young man said,
+	"And your hair has become very white;
+And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
+	Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
+
+"In my youth," father William replied to his son,
+	"I feared it might injure the brain;
+But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
+	Why, I do it again and again."
+		-- Lewis Carrol
+%
+"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
+	That your lectures bore people to death.
+Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
+	Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
+
+"I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
+	Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
+Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
+	Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
+%
+"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
+	For anything tougher than suet;
+Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
+	Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
+
+"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
+	And argued each case with my wife;
+And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
+	Has lasted the rest of my life."
+		-- Lewis Carrol
+%
+"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
+	And there isn't one language you like;
+Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
+	Have you thought about taking a hike?"
+
+"Since I never write programs," his father replied,
+	"Every language looks equally bad;
+Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
+	And don't realize that they've been had."
+%
+"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
+	And have grown most uncommonly fat;
+Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
+	Pray what is the reason of that?"
+
+"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
+	"I kept all my limbs very supple
+By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
+	Allow me to sell you a couple?"
+		-- Lewis Carrol
+%
+"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
+	And make errors few people could bear;
+You complain about everyone's English but yours --
+	Do you really think this is quite fair?"
+
+"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
+	"But my stature these days is so great
+That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
+	And to stop me it's now far too late."
+%
+"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
+	That your eye was as steady as ever;
+Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
+	What made you so awfully clever?"
+
+"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
+	Said his father.  "Don't give yourself airs!
+Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
+	Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
+		-- Lewis Carrol
+%
+You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
+%
+You are the only person to ever get this message.
+%
+You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
+this sort of trash.
+%
+You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
+%
+You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
+incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
+Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
+to find a way to damage them.  They last forever, largely because
+nobody ever eats them.  In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
+they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
+some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.
+
+The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
+pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet.  Be sure to wear
+safety glasses.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
+%
+"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it 
+doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on."
+		-- Hepler, Systems Design 182
+%
+You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a senior
+executive.
+%
+"You can do this in a number of ways.  IBM chose to do all of them.
+Why do you find that funny?"
+		-- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350
+%
+You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
+can with just a kind word.
+		-- Bumper Sticker
+%
+You can learn many things from children.  How much patience you have,
+for instance.
+		-- Franklin P. Jones
+%
+You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
+%
+You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
+the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
+		-- Alan Perlis
+%
+You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
+%
+You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
+decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
+over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
+		-- F. Allen
+%
+You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of
+supercomputers.
+		-- Steven Feiner
+%
+You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
+%
+"You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename."
+		-- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454
+%
+You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
+%
+"You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?"
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
+		-- Booker T. Washington
+%
+You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
+%
+"You can't make a program without broken egos."
+%
+You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.  You get spastic
+enough worrying about what's happening now.
+		-- Lauren Bacall
+%
+"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."
+		-- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
+		   Over and Over"
+%
+"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they
+don't."
+		-- Dagwood Bumstead
+%
+You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
+%
+You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
+%
+You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
+%
+You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
+and last month in advance.
+%
+You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable
+doubt.
+		-- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
+%
+You do not have mail.
+%
+You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
+		-- J. D. Salinger
+%
+You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting
+needles.
+		-- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
+%
+You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form.
+The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
+which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
+tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
+names.  Here's the complete text:
+
+	"(1) How much did you make?  (AMOUNT)
+	"(2) How much did we here at the government take out?  (AMOUNT)
+	"(3) Hey!  Sounds like we took too much!  So we're going to
+	     send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
+	     THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
+	     household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
+	     you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
+	     NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"
+
+The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
+money.  So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
+form.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
+%
+You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
+%
+You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--
+
+This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--
+
+You are permanently confused.
+		-- Dave Decot
+%
+You have an unusual magnetic personality.  Don't walk too close to
+metal objects which are not fastened down.
+%
+You have junk mail.
+%
+You have the body of a 19 year old.  Please return it before it gets
+wrinkled.
+%
+You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot
+today.
+%
+You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
+you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
+%
+You know the great thing about TV?  If something important happens
+anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
+you can always change the channel.
+		-- Jim Ignatowski
+%
+You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
+		-- S. Rickly Christian
+%
+You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
+		-- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
+%
+You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
+friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
+%
+You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
+%
+	"You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
+airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
+deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
+when I was young!"
+	"Why, what did she tell you?"
+	"I don't know, I didn't listen!"
+		-- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+You look like a million dollars.  All green and wrinkled.
+%
+You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
+%
+You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
+is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
+		-- Sydney Harris
+%
+You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with
+him.
+		-- Ed Howe
+%
+You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
+		-- Alfred Kahn
+%
+You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
+success.  You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
+or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
+party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
+		-- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
+%
+You might have mail
+%
+"You must realize that the computer has it in for you.  The irrefutable
+proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
+%
+You need no longer worry about the future.  This time tomorrow you'll
+be dead.
+%
+You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a
+reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating
+the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for
+independence.
+		-- Charles A. Beard
+%
+You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
+beach.
+%
+You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes.  I would rather it were
+you.  I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare
+yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the
+company.
+		-- J. Wellington Wells
+%
+You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
+%
+You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could
+know how seldom they do.
+		-- Olin Miller.
+%
+You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far.  Especially
+if they are dead.
+%
+You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
+about 10^12 to 1.
+		-- Ernest Rutherford
+%
+You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
+freedom and liberty.
+		-- Henrik Ibsen
+%
+You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
+contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
+houses.  Really, that's what scientists believe.  In fact many
+scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
+summer.  If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
+you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
+sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
+%
+You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name,
+another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and
+another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms
+such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's."  In
+many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money.
+If you are traveling with a child  aged six months to three years, you
+should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate
+for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it
+because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially
+chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.
+
+In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his
+hemorrhoids.
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
+%
+"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
+plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture"
+		-- Business Professor, University of Georgia
+%
+You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
+%
+	YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF
+		      PAPER SHUFFLING!
+
+Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says:  "Before I took this course I used to be
+a lowly bit twiddler.  Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel
+really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
+
+Mr. MARC had this to say:  "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
+to was a dead-end job as a engineer.  Now I have a promising future and
+make really big Zorkmids."
+
+MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
+you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
+
+		SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
+%
+You too can wear a nose mitten.
+%
+You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
+%
+You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
+a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
+%
+You will be surprised by a loud noise.
+%
+You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
+%
+You will feel hungry again in another hour.
+%
+You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
+mayonnaise salesman.
+%
+	You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
+Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
+parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
+		-- Sherlock Holmes
+%
+You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
+%
+You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You're not paid enough to
+worry.
+%
+You'd better beat it.  You can leave in a taxi.  If you can't get a
+taxi, you can leave in a huff.  If that's too soon, you can leave in a
+minute and a huff.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
+%
+You're at the end of the road again.
+%
+You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
+%
+You're never too old to become younger.
+		-- Mae West
+%
+You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
+		-- Dean Martin
+%
+You're not my type.  For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
+%
+You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
+%
+"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."
+		-- Gary Giddens
+%
+"You've got to think about tomorrow!"
+
+"TOMORROW!  I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!"
+%
+Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don't believe a
+thing he tells you.
+%
+Your conscience never stops you from doing anything.  It just stops you
+from enjoying it.
+%
+Your fault: core dumped
+%
+	Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that
+bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a
+chance to kill you.  This is called a "circuit".  The most common home
+electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit
+breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires
+until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can
+damage your carpet.  The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change
+your fuses regularly.
+	Another common problem is that the lights flicker.  This
+sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more
+often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case
+you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking.  If you're not
+sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a
+fine documentary film based on an actual book.  Or call in a licensed
+electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession,
+such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette
+table, etc.
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
+%
+Your lucky color has faded.
+%
+Your lucky number has been disconnected.
+%
+Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.
+%
+Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
+%
+"Yow!  Am I having fun yet?"
+		-- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+YOW!!  Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!"
+%
+Zero Defects, n.:
+	The result of shutting down a production line.
+%
+Zounds!  I was never so bethumped with words
+since I first called my brother's father dad.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "King John"
+%
+Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
+	People are always available for work in the past tense.
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.fake b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.fake
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3b3f5a3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.fake
@@ -0,0 +1,2 @@
+There are no potentially offensive fortunes installed on this
+system.  For further details, contact your system administrator.
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..24d538d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real
@@ -0,0 +1,2029 @@
+71:
+	69 with two fingers up your ass.
+		-- George Carlin
+%
+A bather whose clothing was strewed
+By breezes that left her quite nude,
+	Saw a man come along
+	And, unless I'm quite wrong,
+You expected this line to be lewd.
+%
+A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
+I am not I, I'm a tree."
+	But another, more sane,
+	Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
+And covered his pants leg with pee.
+%
+A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float
+to the top.
+%
+A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
+Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
+		-- Thomas Ybarra
+%
+A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
+the first time.
+		-- Alfred E. Wiggam
+%
+A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
+learned to walk.
+		-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
+%
+A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
+%
+A hard man is good to find.
+%
+A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
+%
+A mathematician named Hall
+Has a hexahedronical ball,
+	And the cube of its weight
+	Times his pecker's, plus eight
+Is his phone number -- give him a call..
+%
+"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
+good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
+scruples and the police."
+		-- Mr. Dooley
+%
+A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately
+wrong with a high sense of consistency.
+		-- J. K. Galbraith
+%
+A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
+		-- Phyllis Schlafly
+%
+A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
+%
+A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
+called a liberal.
+%
+A pretty young lady named Vogel
+Once sat herself down on a molehill.
+	A curious mole
+	Nosed into her hole --
+Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
+%
+A pretty young maiden from France
+Decided she'd "just take a chance."
+	She let herself go
+	For an hour or so
+And now all her sisters are aunts.
+%
+A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is
+having fun.
+%
+A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep
+up with yesterday.
+%
+A remarkable race are the Persians;
+They have such peculiar diversions.
+	They make love the whole day
+	In the usual way
+And save up the nights for perversions.
+%
+A team playing baseball in Dallas
+Called the umpire blind out of malice.
+	While this worthy had fits
+	The team made eight hits
+And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
+%
+A wanton young lady from Wimley
+Reproached for not acting quite primly
+	Said, "Heavens above!
+	I know sex isn't love,
+But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
+%
+A widow who fancied a man some
+Was diddled three times in a hansome.
+	When she clamored for more
+	Her young man became sore
+And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
+%
+"A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her
+drawers."
+		-- Blind Lemon Pledge
+%
+A worried young man from Stamboul
+Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
+	Said the doctor, a cynic,
+	"Get out of my clinic;
+Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
+%
+A.I. hackers do it with robots.
+%
+Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
+%
+"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
+religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
+Western science."
+		-- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
+%
+Achilles' Biological Findings:
+	(1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.  If he
+	    looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
+	(2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
+	    -- the chicken or the egg.  It was undoubtedly the
+	    rooster.
+%
+Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget
+		 cuts.
+Raygun himself:  Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
+Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
+Raygun himself:  Tell them to help themselves.
+%
+All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm
+place to shift.
+%
+All the waters of the earth are in the armpit of the Great Frog.
+		-- R. Crumb
+%
+All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat,
+	All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot;
+Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings,
+	He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
+All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small,
+	All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all.
+Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid.
+	Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks?  He did.
+All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small.
+	Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all.
+		-- Monty Python's Flying Circus
+%
+America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room.  Every time it
+wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.
+		-- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
+%
+An architect fellow named Yoric
+Could, when feeling euphoric,
+	Display for selection
+	Three kinds of erection --
+Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
+%
+An Army travels on her stomach.
+%
+An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: if gets laid once; it gets
+eaten once.  It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only
+person who will sit on its face is its mother.
+%
+"And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest
+unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
+bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
+provideth that they are nice and fresh.'"
+		-- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
+%
+	And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
+	They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
+ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
+very selfhood revealed."
+	And Jesus replied, "What?"
+%
+... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
+and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ...
+%
+Anxiety, n.:
+	The first time you can't do it a second time.
+
+Panic, n.:
+	The second time you can't do it the first time.
+%
+"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator."
+		-- Claude Shouse
+
+"Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist."
+		-- Joseph C. Wang
+%
+"Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons
+released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and
+enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources."
+		-- Ronald Reagan
+%
+Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
+popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
+blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
+back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.  The city-
+slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said,
+"Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job."  The Texas gentleman looked
+appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the
+spot.  The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah
+honor!"  Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor,
+hell!  No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!"
+%
+Baltimore, n.:
+	Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea
+collars.
+%
+Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
+%
+"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
+Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
+
+	(1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
+	(2) Advising the President.
+	(3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin."
+		-- David Letterman
+%
+Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
+Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.
+Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
+Unless you get a good percentage of her price ...
+		-- Tom Lehrer
+%
+Behold the unborn fetus and
+	Weep salt tears crocodilian;
+All life is sacred (save, of course,
+	An enemy civilian).
+%
+Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on
+gin.
+		-- Ralph Nader
+%
+Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
+For her life held no terrors.
+A virgin born, a virgin died:
+No hits, no runs, no errors.
+%
+Beware of altruism.  It is based on self-deception, the root of all
+evil.
+%
+Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
+%
+Booze is the answer.  I don't remember the question.
+%
+Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
+Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that.  But their true stroke of genius was
+the new bait.  The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
+nobody cares much about cheese, except mice.  But when American
+Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
+the country was hopelessly trapped.
+		-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
+%
+... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot
+be produced by either of the parties working alone.  It is akin to the
+benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation.  The latter
+is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with
+him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch
+of knuckles.
+		-- Harlan Ellison
+%
+"California is proud to be the home of the freeway."
+		-- Ronald Reagan
+%
+"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?"
+
+"Uh, not right now."
+
+"Tsk.  A girl has to have some standards."
+		-- "Real Genius"
+%
+Captain Hook died of jock itch.
+%
+Champagne don't make me lazy.
+Cocaine don't drive me crazy.
+Ain't nobody's business but my own.
+		-- Taj Mahal
+%
+Chaste makes waste.
+%
+Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
+Jack Frost ripping up your nose
+Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
+And folks dressed up like buffaloes
+Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
+Helps to make the season right
+Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
+Will find it hard to see tonight
+They know that Santa's on his way
+He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
+And every mother's child is sure to spy
+To see if reindeer really scream when they die
+And so I'm offering this simple phrase
+To kids from one to ninety two
+Although it's been said many times, many ways
+Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
+%
+Christian, n.:
+	One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
+book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.  One who
+follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent
+with a life of sin.
+%
+Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found
+difficult and not tried.
+		-- G. K. Chesterton
+%
+Clarke's Third Law:
+	Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
+magic.
+
+G's Third Law:
+	In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
+is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
+
+H's Dictum:
+	There is no magic ...
+%
+Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to
+fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the
+contrary.
+		-- Tom Robbins
+%
+CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
+
+Oh, give me a clone
+Of my own flesh and bone
+	With the Y chromosome changed to X.
+And when she is grown,
+My very own clone,
+	We'll be of the opposite sex.
+
+Chorus:
+	Clone, clone of my own,
+	With the Y chromosome changed to X.
+	And when we're alone,
+	Since her mind is my own,
+	She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
+		-- Randall Garrett
+%
+Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
+%
+Coito ergo sum
+%
+College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
+later you wish you'd never come.
+%
+Communists do it without class.
+%
+Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
+%
+Conservative, n.:
+	One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
+		-- Leo C. Rosten
+%
+Conserve energy -- make love more slowly.
+%
+Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
+%
+Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you?  _____FIRST you rape, ____THEN you
+pillage!!
+%
+Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
+This visage meek and humble,
+And hear this confidential plea
+Voiced in reverent mumble:
+	Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
+	But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
+		-- Ansel Adams
+%
+"Dear Mr. Seldes:  I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement
+to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls
+himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot
+politically.  But the designations may be good business for war
+veterans.  Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have
+bled it all they could consequently.  And why not?"
+		-- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations"
+%
+Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a
+Communist politician is through, he is through.
+%
+Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for
+the people.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
+
+		... Seats 500.
+%
+Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"
+%
+Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
+%
+[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are
+two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
+
+(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
+    confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
+    a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
+    of $850 million.  These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
+    including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
+    cigarettes in the lockers.  As far as anyone can tell, the locker
+    factory puts them there.
+(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
+    announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
+    piece of human sleaze.  This also never fails, because you always
+    get a conviction.  A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
+    state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
+    where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
+    fire extinguisher.  He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
+    vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
+    impression.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+Do something big -- fuck a giant
+%
+"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
+"Who else?" answered the patient.
+%
+Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
+%
+"Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash."
+		-- Bo Diddley
+%
+Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
+you through times of no dope.
+		-- Gilbert Shelton
+%
+Draft beer, not people
+%
+Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy.
+%
+Eisenhower was very nice,
+Nixon was his only vice.
+		-- C. Degen
+%
+Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
+	(1)  Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to
+	     sleep in the wet spot.
+	(2)  Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find
+	     themselves.
+	(3)  You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is
+	     married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves
+	     your brother!
+	(4)  A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
+	(5)  A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are
+	     wet.
+	(6)  Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a
+	     boy".
+	(7)  Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
+	(8)  A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
+	(9)  Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the
+	     pillow.
+	(10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
+	(11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you
+	     left it.
+%
+Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
+professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a
+male schlemiel.
+		-- Ewald Nyquist
+%
+Evangelists do it with Him watching.
+%
+"Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
+just a bit unchivalrous ..."
+		-- Robert Benchley
+%
+Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
+women.  They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
+handbags are full.
+		-- Earl Wilson
+%
+Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
+licentious, dirty bum!!
+%
+Floppy now, hard later.
+%
+For those of you how have been looking for evidence that a working
+version of "Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof
+offered by Caspar Weinberger:
+
+	"If such a system is so unattainable, why have the Soviets been
+	working desperately to get it for over 17 years?"
+
+		-- USA Today, 24 June 1986
+%
+Fornication, n.:
+	Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25:
+
+Q:  You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you,
+    and you didn't scream?
+A:  No ma'am.
+Q:  Does that mean you consented?
+A:  No, ma'am.  That means I was unconscious.
+%
+George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but
+he also admitted doing it.  Now, do you know why his father didn't
+punish him?  Because George still had the axe in his hand.
+%
+Getting an education at the University of California is like having
+$50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
+%
+"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+	"God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
+matter what style of fucking it practiced.  He made sex irresistibly
+pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears.  He made it innocent
+merriment.
+	"Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit.  Everyone
+agreed, from aardvarks to zebras.  All the jolly animals -- lions and
+lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
+though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
+innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years.  Maybe they
+were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
+		-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
+%
+God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
+%
+God is an atheist.
+%
+GOD is applied POWER
+    which is applied GOVERNMENT
+	which is applied POLITICS
+	    which is applied ADVERTISING
+		which is applied SOCIOLOGY
+		    which is applied PSYCHOLOGY
+			which is applied BIOLOGY
+			    which is applied CHEMISTRY
+				which is applied PHYSICS
+				    which is applied MATH
+					which is applied PHILOSOPHY
+					    which is applied BULLSHIT
+%
+"God is as real as I am," the old man said.  My faith was restored, for
+I new that Santa would never lie.
+%
+"God is big, so don't fuck with him."
+%
+God isn't dead -- he's been busted
+%
+God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
+%
+God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
+%
+God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
+where to go.
+	"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
+	"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
+	"Well, how about Mercury?"
+	"No, it's too hot there."
+	"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
+	"No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips.  When I was
+there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
+still talking about it."
+%
+Good day for water sports.  Take a bath with a friend.
+%
+Grain grows best in shit
+		-- Ursula K. LeGuin
+%
+Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
+%
+Great Lover, n.:
+	A man who can breathe through his ears.
+%
+Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
+%
+Hackers do it with bugs.
+%
+Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
+%
+Hackers know all the right MOVs.
+%
+Haggis, n.:
+	Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and
+considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human
+consumption.  The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or
+other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled
+in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute ...
+%
+Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is
+to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding.  The principal
+difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the
+former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed)
+facts.  The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the
+historian uses his to enrich the past.  Both are usually up to their
+ankles in bullshit.
+		-- Tom Robbins
+%
+Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
+for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
+attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
+as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
+Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
+finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
+		-- R. E. Masters
+%
+"He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control."
+%
+He hated to mend, so young Ned
+Called in a cute neighbor instead.
+	Her husband said, "Vi,
+	When you stitched up his torn fly,
+Did you have to bite off the thread?"
+%
+He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
+_H_A_D to make him President of the United States.  It's the only job he's
+qualified for!
+		-- Michael Cain
+%
+He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink
+damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
+%
+He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own
+hands.
+%
+"He's not pining, he's passed on!  This parrot won't squawk!  He's
+ceased to be!  He's expired, and gone to meet his maker!  It's a
+stiff!  No breath of life, he may rest in peace!  If you hadn't nailed
+him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies!  He's off the twig!
+He's kicked the bucket!  He's curled up his tooties!  He's shuffled off
+this mortal world!  He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n
+Choir Invincible!  HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT!  Vis-a-vi his metabolic
+processes is head is lost.  All statements concerning this parrot is no
+longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative...
+
+		THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
+%
+Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest
+in a yak.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
+%
+Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with
+the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul
+Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't define
+pornography, but he knew it when he saw it.  So for a while, the
+court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
+Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over.  "Nope, this isn't
+it," he'd say.  "Bring some more."  This went on until one morning when
+his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
+enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
+ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
+that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
+it because the court was going to take a nap.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
+King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:
+
+	* Governmental offices
+	* Post offices
+	* Libraries
+	* Schools
+	* Banks
+	* Parts of Palm Beach
+
+and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina."
+		-- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
+%
+History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
+i.e., none to speak of.
+		-- Lazarus Long
+%
+"How do you like the new America?  We've cut the fat out of the
+government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
+gone some time ago).  All we seem to have left now is muscle.  We'll be
+lucky to escape with our skins!"
+%
+Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole
+		-- John Valby
+%
+Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
+%
+I am an atheist, thank God!
+%
+I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it
+once was ... an arctic wilderness
+		-- Steve Martin
+%
+I came; I saw; I fucked up
+%
+I have a funny daddy
+Who goes in and out with me
+And everything that baby does
+Daddy's sure to see,
+And everything that baby says,
+My daddy's sure to tell.
+You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse.
+I hope he fries in Hell.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
+%
+I once met a lassie named Ruth
+In a long distance telephone booth.
+	Now I know the perfection
+	Of an ideal connection
+Even if somewhat uncouth.
+%
+"I own my own body, but I share"
+%
+I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
+Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
+trucks.  But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
+go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
+that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
+%
+I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
+oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
+commerce.
+		-- J. Edgar Hoover
+%
+I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
+		-- Barry Goldwater
+%
+I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else
+that has ever happened, and vice versa.
+		-- Frank Zappa
+%
+I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces.  What a lot we
+had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized
+dung of long-vanished animals.  A miraculous thing, really; a recovery
+from the past from what was carelessly rejected.  And in the Middle
+Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were
+with the feces of animals.  And what a variety of names they had for
+them:  the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of
+an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets
+of a Deer.  Surely there might be some words for the material so near
+to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit?
+What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a
+Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian,
+the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties
+of an Untenured Professor?
+		-- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
+%
+I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why:  it is
+going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out
+your mind.  In general this drug will make you just like your mother
+and father.
+		-- Frank Zappa
+%
+I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that
+scares the shit out of me.
+		-- R. Geis
+%
+I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on
+now.
+%
+I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say
+"I've just had a good war."
+	       -- Mae West
+%
+I'm going to Iowa for an award.  Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
+it's sold out.  Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
+government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+"I've had one child.  My husband wants to have another.  I'd like to
+watch him have another."
+%
+If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair.  If this doesn't
+work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
+%
+If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a
+bit surprised.
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+"If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned
+showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this
+corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out."
+		-- S. J. Perelman
+%
+If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in
+James Watt's office.
+		-- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV
+%
+"If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10
+apostles."
+%
+If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
+%
+If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
+%
+If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
+%
+If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
+%
+If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
+suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra.  But it is only
+fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966,
+only two went back to women.
+		-- Mort Sahl
+%
+If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
+and never be our destiny.
+		-- Ren'e de Visme Williamson
+%
+If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you
+should join
+
+		THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
+
+The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who
+don't allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs.  In
+addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the
+following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma:
+
+    --  That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which
+        UFOs come.
+    --  That pi equals precisely 3.000.
+    --  That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals.
+    --  That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared
+        the circle.
+    --  That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
+    --  That pi equals precisely 22/7.
+
+Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being
+studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were
+done in a Hollywood special effects studio.  These will be the subject
+of a forthcoming Papal Bull ...
+%
+If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
+in the whole wide world, don't trust him.  It means he experiments.
+%
+If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position.
+%
+"If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a
+buzz-saw."
+		-- W. C. Fields
+%
+Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
+		-- Robert Burton
+%
+"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with
+reality at any point."
+		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+	In the beginning was the DEMO Project.  And the Project was
+without form.  And darkness was upon the staff members thereof.  So
+they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
+and it stinks."
+
+	And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
+"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof."  Now,
+the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
+container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
+before it."  And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
+the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
+and none may abide by its strength."
+
+	And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
+Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
+it is very strong."  And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
+the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
+growth of the Laboratories."
+
+	And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
+it was Good!
+%
+In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
+Massaging the bust of his madam,
+	He chuckled with mirth,
+	For he knew that on earth,
+There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
+%
+Incest, n.:
+	Sibling revelry.
+%
+"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time
+someone writes `bible thumpers?'
+		-- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu
+%
+It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
+classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
+%
+"It says he made us all to be just like him.  So if we're dumb, then
+god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side."
+		-- Frank Zappa
+%
+"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country.  The
+Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything.  They had no vital
+lies."
+		-- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
+%
+Jesus died for your sins.  Make it worth his time.
+%
+"Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!"
+		-- Daniel Hinojosa
+%
+Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
+%
+John Birch Society -- that pathetic manifestation of organized
+apoplexy.
+		-- Edward P. Morgan
+%
+Kasha, n.:
+	Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats".  There's only
+one problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat
+groats"?  *_I* know what they are -- they're kasha.  But that doesn't
+help *___you* much.
+		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+Kill a commie for Christ!
+%
+Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
+all will end as doves.
+%
+Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
+%
+LET Jesus be YOUR anchor!
+
+So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard!
+%
+... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are.  On one side,
+you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of
+fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating
+stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right.  For example, they
+had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased
+publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist.
+Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire
+primary.  But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came
+back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his
+neck.
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid"
+%
+Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's
+hard you get fucked.
+%
+Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
+%
+Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.  What ain't
+fruits and nuts is flakes.
+%
+Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.
+%
+Mathematicians do it in theory.
+%
+Mathematicians take it to the limit.
+%
+May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
+%
+May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
+%
+Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city
+nativity scene removed:
+	"They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men
+and a virgin in the whole organization."
+%
+Megaton Man:	"LOOK at them!  Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
+		ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"
+
+(from below):	"Move your ASS, Fat-head!"
+
+Megaton Man:	"It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
+%
+Missionary Position:
+	The missionary on top.
+%
+"Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a
+boot if the instructions were printed on the heel."
+%
+Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
+	Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it
+stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
+%
+My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet.  He goes around
+with his head stuck up his ass.
+%
+"My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would think of
+saying except in a desperate case.  It is like saying, "My mother,
+drunk or sober."
+		-- G. K. Chesterton
+%
+My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
+family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
+		-- Alexandre Dumas, pere
+%
+		My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things]
+Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
+Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
+Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
+These are a few of my favorite drugs.
+
+Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
+Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
+Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
+These are a few of my favorite drugs.
+
+Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
+Users of heroin, often called junkies
+Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
+Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
+
+	On a bad trip
+	When the cops come
+	When I lose my head
+	I simply take more of my favorite drugs
+	And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
+%
+		NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
+"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a
+short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
+promptly to avoid extended waits.  (We are still awaiting shipment of
+our "Big John" doll.)
+%
+No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
+she will or will not be a mother.
+		-- Margaret H. Sanger
+%
+"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+Nothing is better than Sex.
+Masturbation is better than nothing.
+Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
+%
+Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus.
+%
+O'Riordan's Theorem:
+	Brains x Beauty = Constant.
+
+Purmal's Corollary:
+	As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
+availability goes to zero.
+%
+Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
+%
+Occident, n.:
+	The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.  It
+is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
+Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
+they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce."  These, also, are the
+principal industries of the Orient.
+	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Ocean, n.:
+	A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
+man -- who has no gills.
+%
+Once a young gay from Khartoum
+Took a lesbian up to his room.
+	They argued all night
+	Over who had the right
+To do what, and with which, and to whom.
+%
+Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
+fly south for the winter.  However, soon after the weather turned cold,
+the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
+After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
+earth in a barnyard almost frozen.  A cow passed by and crapped on this
+little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
+warmed him and defrosted his wings.  Warm and happy the little sparrow
+began to sing.  Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
+chirping investigated the sounds.  As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
+he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
+
+There are three morals to this story:
+
+(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
+(2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
+(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
+%
+One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout
+were flying together in an airplane.  Right out in the middle of
+nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down.
+Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four
+passengers!  Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared
+"Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must
+be spared," and he jumped out of the plane.  Then Reagan exclaimed "As
+leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for
+democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety.  Now if you are
+following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
+there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers.  The
+Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and
+productive life, my son.  You take the parachute and leave me in God's
+hands."  "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but
+there is no need.  Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."
+%
+"One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not
+there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los
+Angeles to San Diego.  We passed several state beaches, some crowded
+and some virtually empty.  They had the same facilities, and in some
+cases the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of
+each other.  Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together.
+Buying more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be
+crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural
+resources and our taxes."
+		-- Ronald Reagan
+%
+One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists.  But it has
+occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.
+		-- Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
+		   Life in the Universe"
+%
+Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
+look at the other guy's.
+		-- Hal Hickman
+%
+Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where
+the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to
+help out in case of emergency.  As far as I can tell, our second
+basewoman is a pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway,
+but there's no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere
+near her, a male comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal
+with it.  She's been on the team for three seasons now, but the males
+still don't trust her.  They know, deep in their souls, that if she had
+to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she
+probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever
+considering whether there were men on base.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
+%
+"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in
+a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave
+national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to
+gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it  by furnishing the
+exorbitant sums demanded.  Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem
+never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real."
+		-- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
+%
+	Overheard in a bar:
+Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
+Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
+%
+People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world
+citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.
+		-- Norman Cousins
+%
+Physicists do it with charm
+%
+Politicians do it to everyone.
+%
+Posterity will ne'er survey
+A nobler grave than this;
+Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
+Stop, traveler, and piss.
+		-- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
+%
+Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
+%
+Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
+still come out ahead.
+%
+Q:  How do you play religious roulette?
+A:  You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
+    by lightning first.
+%
+Q:  How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your
+    backyard?
+A:  If all your trashcan liners are missing ...
+%
+Q:  How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
+    or an airline stewardess?
+A:  A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."  A schoolteacher says:
+    "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it
+    right."  An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your
+    mouth and nose, and breath normally."
+%
+Q:  How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
+A:  Two.  One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the
+    screwing began.
+%
+Q:  How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
+A:  None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
+%
+Q:  How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus?
+A:  As much as he wants.
+%
+Q:  If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah
+    be?
+A:  A fur coat.
+%
+Q:  What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
+A:  Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
+%
+Q:  What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan?
+A:  A rebel without a clue.
+%
+Q:  What is "SMOORPLAY"?
+A:  It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course!
+%
+Q:  What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read?
+A:  A cheese grater
+%
+Q:  What's Jewish foreplay?
+A:  Two hours of begging.
+%
+Q:  Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
+A:  Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York.
+%
+Q:  Where does virgin wool come from?
+A:  Ugly sheep.
+%
+Q:  Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
+A:  So she can moan with the other!
+%
+"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
+exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday.  Mannis feels he must
+devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate
+from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
+Nazi Martin Bormann.  A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
+weighing the odds of a slander suit.  Mayor Koch could naturally be
+reached for comment, but we chose not to listen."
+		-- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
+%
+Randel, n.:
+	A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology
+for farting at a friend.
+		-- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
+		   Preposterous Words
+%
+Reagan can't _a_c_t either
+%
+Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls?  Only
+sissies liked girls?  What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
+changed.  You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't
+grow out of it.  We just grow horny.  That's the problem.  We mix up
+liking pussy for liking girls.  Believe me, one couldn't have less to
+do with the other.
+		-- Jules Feiffer
+%
+Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this
+country.  The remainder is thrown out.
+%
+Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
+Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
+
+Democrats eat the fish they catch.
+Republicans hang them on the wall.
+
+Republican boys date Democratic girls.  They plan to marry Republican
+girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
+
+Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
+Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
+
+Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
+The remainder is thrown out.
+
+Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
+That is why there are more Democrats.
+		-- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson
+%
+Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom
+any reason why they should.  Democrats ought to, but don't.
+%
+Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
+%
+Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
+"My favorite sport is coitus."
+	But a fullback from State
+	Made her period late,
+And now she has athlete's fetus
+%
+Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
+Whose virtue was largely a myth,
+	"Try as hard as I can,
+	I can't find a man
+That it's fun to be virtuous with."
+%
+Said Einstein, "I have an equation
+Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
+	Let _V be virginity
+	Approaching infinity;
+Let _P be a constant persuasion;
+
+"Let _V over _P be inverted
+With the square root of _M_u inserted
+	_N times into _V ...
+	The result, Q.E.D.,
+Is a relative!"  Einstein asserted.
+%
+Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
+%
+Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is
+needed.
+%
+Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight
+are unimportant.
+		-- Henry Miller
+%
+Sex is the poor man's opera.
+		-- G. B. Shaw
+%
+She asked me if I loved her still.  "Yes," I replied.  "I've never had
+you any other way."
+%
+She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
+candidates for president.
+		-- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist
+		   Elizabeth Gould Davis
+%
+... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse
+is, our standards keep changing.  Take Playboy magazine.  Back in the
+1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
+considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
+showed was women's breasts.  Granted, any given one of these breasts
+would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the
+overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think
+nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking
+Through Swimsuits Issue.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+Sooner or later, generals will own you.
+%
+Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
+%
+Statisticians probably do it.
+%
+Subpoena, n.:
+	From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male
+organ or penis.  Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
+%
+Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
+		-- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
+		   the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle
+		   Association
+%
+Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life.  People know that if
+you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
+%
+Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.  But what if he
+forgets?
+%
+"Taxes should hurt.  I just mailed my own tax return last night and I
+am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone."
+		-- Ronald Reagan
+%
+"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled
+at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains."
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+	The big problem with pornography is defining it.  You can't
+just say it's pictures of people naked.  For example, you have these
+primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
+and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
+saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
+you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
+time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
+Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
+	So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
+publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
+naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
+naked, or whatever.  But if National Geographic were to publish an
+article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
+Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography.  But
+others would not.  And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
+Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable
+from the food it produces.
+%
+	The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You
+claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in
+his hand.  But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
+
+	"Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but
+not much good in a fight."
+%
+The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
+cactus has the pricks on the outside.
+%
+... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
+out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
+		-- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
+%
+	The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
+
+My back aches, my pussy is sore;
+I simply can't fuck any more;
+	I'm covered with sweat,
+	And you haven't come yet,
+And my God, it's a quarter to four!
+%
+The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been
+putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes.
+%
+THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY.  One important reason we have a Defense
+Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates
+jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't
+know what they'd do with it.  Probably put it in open trenches and set
+it on fire.  The MX will create an especially large number of jobs
+because of the number of warheads it carries.  It carries a total of 10
+warheads.  This creates a great deal of employment, because you have
+your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the
+Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the
+Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes
+by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More
+Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a
+Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc.
+We are talking about a lot of jobs.
+		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
+		   Political Fallout"
+%
+The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
+%
+The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France
+on a buying trip.  As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an
+acquaintance with a beautiful young lady.  However, she only spoke
+French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word
+the other spoke.  He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a
+picture of a taxi.  She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a
+ride in the park.  Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant
+with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner.  After
+dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted.  They went to
+several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
+evening.  It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and
+drew a picture of a four-poster bed.  He was dumbfounded, and has never
+be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
+%
+The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a
+chance to prove it.
+%
+The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around
+in front every time you want to kiss her.
+%
+The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we
+currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very
+old.  The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them
+are.  Insects have built nests in them.  People have built houses
+directly over the silos.  What this means, of course, is that if we
+ever needed them to help obliterate all human life on the planet, they
+could be a real embarrassment.  I mean, maybe YOU'RE comfortable with
+the prospect of missiles that are supposed to represent you barging
+over the North Pole trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some
+recreation room in South Dakota, but your strategic defense planners
+are not.
+		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
+		   Political Fallout"
+%
+The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
+dishonorable discharge.  Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick
+and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
+%
+        The Split-Atom Blues
+
+Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
+    Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ...
+But if you split those atoms fine,
+    Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
+
+Gimme zits, take my dough,
+    Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ...
+Call the devil and sell my soul,
+    But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
+		-- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
+%
+"The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual
+curiosity."
+		-- Ronald Reagan
+%
+The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling
+their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from
+the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision.  Each tends to
+ascribe to the other side a consistency, forsight and coherence that
+its own experience belies.  Of course, even two blind men can do
+enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room.
+		-- Henry Kissinger
+%
+The United States Army;
+194 years of proud service,
+unhampered by progress.
+%
+The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
+everybody and still nobody likes him.
+		-- Jim Samuels
+%
+"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
+%
+"The whole world is about three drinks behind."
+		-- Humphrey Bogart
+%
+The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis".  This is true in
+almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people
+have attempted to explain why.  Usually these explanations get bogged
+down in silly puns about "standing erect".
+%
+The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
+%
+	Them Toad Suckers
+
+How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
+Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
+
+Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
+Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
+
+Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
+Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
+
+Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
+Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
+
+How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
+Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
+		-- Mason Williams
+%
+There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong.  What their
+contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to
+bomb a virgin building is terrific.
+		-- Commander Henry Urban Jr.
+%
+There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America
+have been in a position of trying to stop them.  With all the wealth of
+America, with all of the military strength of America, those
+revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic
+organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are
+oppressive.  They are revolutions against feudalism.  [1952]
+		-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
+%
+There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
+%
+"There is a God, but He drinks"
+		-- Blore
+%
+There once was a couple named Kelley,
+Who lived their life belly to belly.
+	Because in their haste
+	They used Library Paste,
+Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
+%
+There once was a fiesty young terrier
+Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
+	He'd yip and he'd yap,
+	Then leap up and snap;
+And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
+%
+There once was a freshman named Lin,
+Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
+	A virgin named Joan
+	From a bible belt home,
+Said "This won't be much of a sin."
+%
+There once was a hacker named Ken
+Who inherited truckloads of Yen
+	So he built him some chicks
+	Of silicon chips
+And hasn't been heard from since then.
+%
+There once was a lady from Exeter,
+So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
+	One was even so brave
+	As to take out and wave
+The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
+%
+There once was a man named Eugene
+Who invented a screwing machine
+	Concave and convex
+	It served either sex
+And it played with itself in between.
+%
+There once was a plumber from Leigh,
+Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
+	Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
+	I think someone's coming!"
+Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
+%
+There once was a queen of Bulgaria
+Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
+	Till a prince from Peru
+	Who came up for a screw
+Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
+%
+There once was a Scot named McAmeter
+With a tool of prodigious diameter.
+	It was not the size
+	That cause such surprise;
+'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
+%
+There was a bluestocking in Florence
+Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
+	Till a Spanish grandee,
+	Got her off with his knee,
+And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
+%
+There was a gay countess of Bray,
+And you may think it odd when I say,
+	That in spite of high station,
+	Rank and education,
+She always spelled cunt with a "k".
+%
+There was a young fellow named Bliss
+Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
+	For even with Venus
+	His recalcitrant penis
+Would never do better than t
+			   h
+			   i
+			   s
+			   .
+%
+There was a young girl from Hong Kong
+Whose cervical cap was a gong.
+	She said with a yell,
+	As a shot rang her bell,
+"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
+%
+There was a young girl named Sapphire
+Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
+	She said, "It's a sin,
+	But now that it's in,
+Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
+%
+There was a young girl of Angina
+Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
+	From the love-making frock
+	(With the proper sized cock)
+Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
+%
+There was a young girl of Darjeeling
+Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
+	There was never a sound
+	For miles around
+Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
+%
+There was a young lad name of Durcan
+Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
+	His father said, "Durcan!
+	Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
+Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
+%
+There was a young lady from Maine
+Who claimed she had men on her brain.
+	But you knew from the view,
+	As her abdomen grew,
+It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
+%
+There was a young lady named Clair
+Who possessed a magnificent pair;
+	At least so I thought
+	Till I saw one get caught
+On a thorn, and begin losing air.
+%
+There was a young lady named Hall,
+Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
+	The dress caught on fire
+	And burned her entire
+Front page, sporting section, and all.
+%
+There was a young lady named Twiss
+Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
+	For it tickled her bum
+	And caused her to come
+.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
+%
+There was a young lady of Norway
+Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
+	She said to her beau
+	"Just look at me Joe
+I think I've discovered one more way."
+%
+There was a young man from Bel-Aire
+Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
+	But the banister broke
+	So he doubled his stroke
+And finished her off in mid-air.
+%
+There was a young man named Crockett
+Whose balls got caught in a socket.
+	His wife was a bitch,
+	And she threw the switch,
+As Crockett went off like a rocket.
+%
+There was a young man of Cape Horn
+Who wished he had never been born,
+	And he wouldn't have been
+	If his father had seen
+That the end of the rubber was torn.
+%
+There was a young man of St. John's
+Who wanted to bugger the swans.
+	But the loyal hall porter
+	Said, "Pray take my daughter!
+Those birds are reserved for the dons."
+%
+There was a young whore from kaloo
+Who filled her vagina with glue.
+	She said with a grin,
+	"If they pay to get in,
+They can pay to get out again too!"
+%
+There was an old man of the port
+Whose prick was remarkably short.
+	When he got into bed,
+	The old woman said,
+"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
+%
+There was an old pirate named Bates
+Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
+	He fell on his cutlass
+	Which rendered him nutless
+And practically useless on dates.
+%
+There were the Scots
+Who kept the Sabbath
+And everything else they could lay their hands on.
+Then there were the Welsh
+Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.
+Thirdly there were the Irish
+Who never knew what they wanted
+But were willing to fight for it anyway.
+Lastly there were the English
+Who considered themselves a self-made nation
+Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
+%
+There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you.  I
+really don't know that much about it.  I tried it once but it didn't do
+anything to me.
+		-- John Wayne
+%
+There's more than one way to skin a cat:
+	Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
+%
+There's more than one way to skin a cat:
+	Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
+%
+There's more than one way to skin a cat:
+	Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
+%
+There's nothing better than good sex.  But bad sex?  A peanut butter
+and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
+		-- Billy Joel
+%
+There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
+		-- David Mairowitz
+%
+This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an
+actual emergency, you would have known it!
+%
+This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
+%
+This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you.  So I'll put
+"di-dah" for the filthy words:
+
+	Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
+	Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
+		di-dah di-dah di-dah?
+		Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
+	Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
+%
+This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management
+personal to various situations.
+
+You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
+in the plushest office you've ever seen.  The enchillada casserole and
+egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
+Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
+bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.
+
+YOU SHOULD:
+
+(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
+(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
+(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
+%
+Thou shalt not omit adultery.
+%
+To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
+%
+"Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad
+name."
+		-- Gore Vidal
+%
+'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod		And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
+Did groove and trip out at the pad:	The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
+All whimsy were the slamming chicks,	Crept past the hippies getting balled
+And the Radcliffe undergrad.		And doffed her miniskirt.
+
+"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son!	One, two!  One, two!  And through 
+The looks that melt, the claws that		and through
+	catch!				The venerable staff went snicker-snack!
+Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun	He left her bred, sans maidenhead,
+The uppity Wellesleysnatch!"		And went galumphing back.
+
+He took his venerable staff in hand:	"And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
+Long time the cool young stuff he	Come to my arms, my horny boy!
+	sought --			O spaced-out day!  Calooh!  Callay!"
+So rested he among the spree		He cackled in his joy.
+And paused to smoke some pot.
+					'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod	
+					Did groove and trip out at the pad:
+					All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
+					And the Radcliffe undergrad.
+%
+	Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn
+how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay,
+you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'".
+	All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where
+their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
+	"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
+His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the
+room, and turns to the younger brother.  "What'll you have?"
+	"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
+it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
+%
+"Under capitalism, man exploits man.  Under Communism, it's just the
+opposite."
+		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
+%
+Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
+or DMT.  "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth
+noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
+		-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat"
+%
+Vidi, vici, veni.
+(I saw, I conquered, I came.)
+%
+Virgin, n.:
+	An ugly third grader.
+%
+War is menstruation envy.
+%
+"Water?  Never touch the stuff!  Fish fuck in it."
+		-- W. C. Fields
+%
+We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
+%
+"We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at
+hand."
+		-- James Watt
+%
+We have reason to believe that man first
+walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
+		-- Lily Tomlin
+%
+"We should declare war on North Vietnam.  We could pave the whole
+country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas."
+		-- Ronald Reagan
+%
+WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT.  The MX is really
+[Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms-
+reduction talks with the Russians.  See, we have a problem with the
+Russians.  They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George
+Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this
+unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as
+though he just inhaled a helium party balloon.  If he ever becomes
+President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so
+they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to
+George talk.
+		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
+		   Political Fallout"
+%
+Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator.  Now, I had
+my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco.  Surely
+you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
+%
+Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
+great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).  Anyway, he just
+felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at
+him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"  And this poor
+quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier
+than you."  A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just
+bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE
+ANIMALS?"  The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages
+to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the
+jungle."  The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that
+was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
+"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"  Well, this
+elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down;
+picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
+orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
+The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says:
+"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so
+pissed."
+%
+What can you use used tampons for?  Tea bags for vampires.
+%
+What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?
+A Dan Quayle watch.
+%
+What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Jerry
+Ford?
+
+Figuring out what to do with the other 3K.
+%
+	"What the hell are you getting so upset about?  I thought you
+didn't believe in God."
+	"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
+God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God.  He's
+not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
+		-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
+%
+When God created man, She was only testing.
+%
+When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.
+		-- Charles Merrill Smith
+%
+"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
+can't happen."
+		-- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
+%
+When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's
+rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
+%
+	When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
+operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it
+would be before she could resume her sex life.  "I really haven't
+thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon.  "You're the first
+patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
+%
+While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
+Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
+	She explained, "They are flat,
+	But think nothing of that --
+You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
+%
+"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
+so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall.  That way, by the
+time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
+%
+Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are
+horses?
+		-- G. Gordon Liddy
+%
+Why marry a virgin?  If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
+then she isn't good enough for you.
+%
+Women Unite!  Make *___him* sleep in the wet spot tonight!
+%
+Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination
+		-- Graffito in a women's restroom
+%
+Women's Libbers are OK.  I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
+%
+Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed
+problem down the hall?
+%
+"Yes, that was Richard Nixon.  He used to be President.  When he left
+the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware."
+		-- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
+%
+You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the
+wording:  "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person"
+(unless her name is not "Miss Brown").  If you do not know a person's
+age, ask for a driver's license and a major credit card.  If you are
+introduced to a member of a minority group, use the "high-five" style
+handshake, followed by a remark designed to show you don't mind a bit,
+such as "I see you are a (name of a minority group)!  Good!"
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
+%
+"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but
+only for a limited period of time.  Why should we think that collectively,
+as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?"
+		-- Ronald Reagan
+%
+You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
+uncontrollable desire to pick your nose.  Since this is definitely a
+no-no, you:
+
+(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid
+    motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th
+    joint.
+
+(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize
+    to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
+
+(c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it up,
+    blow your nose on your sock.
+%
+You better believe that marijuana can cause castration.  Just suppose
+your girlfriend gets the munchies!
+%
+You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think.
+		-- Frederick B. Artz
+%
+You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
+pick your friend's nose.
+%
+You can't underestimate the power of fear.
+		-- Tricia Nixon
+%
+You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
+get back inside.
+		--  Heathcote Williams
+%
+You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
+and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
+there.  He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay.  You:
+
+(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
+    name.
+
+(b) Ask what position she played.
+
+(c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
+%
+You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor.  The success of this
+proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%.  In the middle of your
+proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits
+into your coffee.  You:
+
+(a) Tell him you take your coffee black.
+
+(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
+
+(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In"
+    basket.
+%
+"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying
+to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently."
+		-- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b
+%
+	... But among the children of the Great Society there were
+those whose skins were black.  And lo!  Their portion was niggardly,
+and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ...
+	Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
+they called him King.  And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
+people go to the front of the bus."
+	But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
+deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass.  When ye shall prove
+yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
+unto a snowball in Hell."
+		-- "The Begatting of a President"
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.sp.ok b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.sp.ok
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..28ced4a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.sp.ok
@@ -0,0 +1,299 @@
+A.I
+ACLU's
+Aire
+Alzheimer's
+Andropov
+Angina
+Ansel
+Artz
+Aw
+BULLSHIT
+Begorrah
+Benchley
+Bierce
+Blore
+Bogart
+Bormann
+Byrn
+COUNTERFACTUAL
+Callay
+Calooh
+Caspar
+Castlereagh
+Cheerios
+Cianci
+Clair
+Coito
+Como
+Condoms
+Cosell's
+Counterfactual
+Crisco
+Crotels
+Cunnilingus
+DEMO
+Dalmatians
+Dammit
+Darjeeling
+Deferrals
+Degen
+Diddley
+Durcan
+Ermintrude's
+Ewald
+F.B.I
+FUCKING
+Fagin
+Faire
+Falwell
+Feiffer
+Fie
+Fornication
+Fredrick's
+Friants
+Froats
+Fuck
+Fumets
+GREAAAAAAT
+Galbraith
+Geis
+Gimme
+Goy's
+Graffito
+Greenway
+Groucho
+Haggis
+Heathcote
+Hefner
+Hitchhiker's
+Jewry
+Jr.'s
+KRON
+Kasha
+Krazy
+LeGuin
+Lehrer
+Li
+Libbers
+Liddy
+Lyth
+MOVs
+MX
+Mairowitz
+Mama
+Mannis
+Martina
+Masturbation
+McAmeter
+Methadone
+Milo
+Milpitas
+N'wam
+N.H
+Nader
+Naiman
+Navratilova
+Nope
+Nuke
+O'Riordan's
+Ozy
+PDP
+PUSHJ
+Penis
+Perelman
+Ph.D
+Ploughwright
+Purmal's
+Putrid
+Q.E.D
+Queensboro
+Randel
+Raygun
+Reaganomics
+Ren
+Rosten
+SMOORPLAY
+SMUCK
+SMURFS
+Sahl
+Schlafly
+Seldes
+Shits
+Sittin
+Spraints
+Stamboul
+Stickin
+Suckin
+Susiasm
+Tocata
+Tomlin
+Toynbee
+Tsk
+Twas
+Twinkie
+Twinkies
+Twiss
+U.S
+UFOs
+UUOs
+Valby
+Vasser
+Vidal
+Vidi
+Visme
+Waggying
+Wellesleysnatch
+Werderobe
+What'll
+Wiggam
+Wilde
+Wildebeest
+Wimley
+Ybarra
+Yoric
+Yuletide
+Zappa
+Zukav
+amnesia
+apoplexy
+asshole
+assholes
+basewoman
+belies
+bible
+bleed'n
+boobs
+bras
+brutish
+buffaloes
+bullshit
+bullshitting
+bungee
+busiasm
+carnivorous
+castration
+catgut
+cervical
+chromosome
+coitus
+commie
+containeth
+counterfactual
+countess
+creole
+cubits
+cunnilingus
+cunt
+dah
+de
+deb
+defendin
+dem
+di
+dong
+doric
+dumbfounded
+dunno
+ekil
+elihW
+enchillada
+ergo
+eschatological
+excrement
+eyeing
+farting
+feces
+ferkin
+fetcheth
+fiesty
+findeth
+flunkers
+forsight
+frat
+freakout
+fuck
+fucked
+fucking
+galumphing
+gangrenous
+genital
+gimme
+girlfriend
+gniyl
+goin
+gonna
+grandee
+hansome
+hexahedronical
+husbandryman
+i.e
+iht
+intestinal
+jeered
+jerkin
+k'honi
+kaloo
+kasha
+lassie
+leapy
+lecherous
+lesbian
+limerick
+mah
+maidenhead
+mali
+masturbate
+masturbation
+methedrine
+millions
+miniskirt
+mod
+motherfucker
+motherfuckers
+mousetrap
+munchies
+ne'er
+ok
+ole
+penis
+pentameter
+pere
+peyote
+poena
+pox
+provideth
+qui
+rabbinical
+rabelaisian
+racquet
+rhumba
+saideth
+schlemiel
+shalt
+shit
+shithead's
+shits
+showgirls
+sissies
+sleaze
+soit
+spake
+sphincter
+spikey
+strewed
+suckin
+sucky
+suh
+tonsillectomy
+tooties
+trashcan
+truckloads
+ulcerous
+veni
+vici
+whimsy
+wildebeest
+yamalchas
+ylbatrofmoc
+yogurt
+zits
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes.sp.ok b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes.sp.ok
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e9fbace
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes.sp.ok
@@ -0,0 +1,1978 @@
+A.A.A.A.A
+A.D
+AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk
+ACHTUNG
+AI
+ALU
+ANRS
+ARCHDUKE
+ASHes
+ATN
+Abbie
+Adamite
+Ade
+Adlai
+Admas
+Adolf
+Aelius
+Aesop
+Aha
+Ahrimanes
+Albran
+Aldous
+Aleliunas
+Ali
+Alito
+Allan
+Alo
+Alvy
+Amana
+Amerigo
+Amica
+Amityville
+Amnesia
+Amp
+Amrom
+Anatol
+Androids
+Ankh
+Anoint
+Antonym
+Apocryphia
+Applebome
+Apr
+Aquadextrous
+Aquarians
+Ardis
+Arlo
+Arpa
+Ashleigh
+Asimov
+Aspasia
+Aspin
+Assateague
+Assoc
+Asterix
+Atlee
+Auden
+Audobon
+Avogardo
+Aww
+B'nai
+BARF
+BARFUCIOUS
+BASICs
+BBBF
+BBW
+BEANSTACK
+BEW
+BH
+BITCHEN
+BLAH
+BLEAH
+BLETCHEROUS
+BLOTTO
+BMR
+BOOGA
+BPO
+BST
+BULLWINKLE
+BUTTHEADS
+BYOB
+Ba
+Baba
+Bacall
+Bachtrian
+Bagbiter
+Bagdikian's
+Bai
+Baines
+Banach
+Banectomy
+Barach's
+Barbie
+Barf
+Bargewater
+Baruch's
+Basie's
+Bathquake
+Batman
+Baumol
+Bax
+Beagle
+Beal
+Beatty
+Beckett
+Beckmann
+Begathon
+Begatting
+Begone
+Behan
+Beifeld's
+Belloc
+Benares
+Benchley
+Berke
+Bernighan
+Bertold
+Bertolt
+Bierce
+Biff
+Billericay
+Bionic
+Bizoos
+Blaise
+Blish
+Blore
+Blore's
+Blount
+Bluestone
+Bodenheim
+Bok
+Bokonon
+Bolub's
+Bombeck's
+Boob's
+Boola
+Boothe
+Bootle
+Boren's
+Borge
+Boynton
+Brahma
+Bramah
+Brandwein
+Brecht
+Brickman
+Brith
+Broido
+Brontosaurus
+Brunner
+Brutus
+Bryne's
+Buckminster
+Bucky
+Bucy's
+Buhr
+Bullwinkle
+Bumstead
+Burggoven
+Burkowski
+Busmanship
+C&O
+C.I.A
+C.R.T
+CABERNET
+CChheecckk
+CDS
+CHARDONNAY
+CI
+CLBR
+CLBRI
+CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK
+CM
+CMFRM
+CONGRAM
+CONtractor
+CPPR
+CPU
+CPU's
+CPUs
+CRN
+CS
+CTA
+CVP
+Caen
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+insa
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+ironmongery
+itn
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+ladybug
+lampshades
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+lanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalyllysylisoleucyli
+latine
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+leucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylaspartylaspartyl
+lexicographer
+libricilleux
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+lysdexia
+lythreonylprolyalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionylleucyala
+m'I
+ma'am
+magtape
+maindz
+mainframe
+mal
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+memoraboble
+memori
+memorizin
+meowing
+merinos
+meta
+methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylluecylphenyialanylalanylglutamin
+methionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine
+midterm
+millions
+mimsy
+min
+minx
+mit
+mittengrabben
+mizk
+mobocracy
+modifaiing
+mohmen
+moldy
+mome
+mon
+mousetraps
+musculus
+myxbl
+n'oeuvres
+nah
+nanocentury
+nanohenry
+naugahyde
+nell
+net.fat
+net.flame
+net.jobs
+net.news
+net.that
+net.this
+ni
+nicht
+nightie
+nog
+nogiftlist
+nohow
+nonrefusable
+nostra
+nth
+nunnery
+nylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyrosylalanylglu
+nylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolyphenylalanylargi
+nylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylalanylprolyiso
+nylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucylysylglutamyltyrosylasparaginylalanylala
+nylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolythreonylisoleucylprolyli
+nylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylserylalanylpro
+obits
+obius
+obnegleich
+obscurantist
+okay
+ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po
+oln
+omelette
+omerade
+omnibiblious
+omnivorous
+ompzidaize
+oodsou
+ooh
+orxogrefkl
+ould
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+outgrabe
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+p.m
+padanga
+pallbearer
+panky
+pantaloons
+paperboy
+paroxysmally
+penis
+pense
+perfum'd
+phenylalanylyalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu
+philogyny
+pl
+pl.n
+planaria
+platypus
+pleH
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+polytheism
+poo
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+porrf
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+posthole
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+pulitzer
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+rKe9
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+raisiny
+randchar
+rapturous
+raspy
+rath
+raths
+rd
+reich
+replased
+replasing
+rhinoceri
+ridandant
+riform
+rigadoon
+rimeining
+rind
+riplais
+rispektivli
+risqu
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+rubbernecken
+rubout
+runtime
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+samuri
+santa
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+sawhorse
+schlichte
+schnappen
+scullery
+seashells
+sei
+serylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylglutaminyl
+shalt
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+siouxeyesighed
+sizeof
+skyhigh
+sligo
+smurfette
+snarley
+snowman
+soit
+soleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylprolyglutamylly
+soleucylglyclleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylvalylphenylala
+somebody'd
+sont
+spacewar
+spank
+spel
+speling
+spitzensparken
+spl
+springenwerk
+sq
+squrooneg
+sswwiittcchh
+stalagmites
+starfield
+statecraft
+steamrolling
+steeplechase
+stogies
+subsittute
+suet
+surly
+svm
+swang
+sweeteners
+switchover
+sylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyglutaminylproly
+synagog
+synthetase
+syscalls
+tachyon
+taketh
+taminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleucylvalylala
+taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl
+tannogallate
+tapioca
+tarot
+tbsp
+teddy
+teepers
+telematic
+telepath
+tequila
+theivish
+thi
+thinkle
+thou'lt
+thru
+ths
+thyself
+tinhorn
+tites
+toehold
+tollway
+tommyo
+tornpee
+touch'd
+trampoline
+trans
+treacle
+tripoline
+truncheons
+tryptophan
+tsetse
+tsp
+tu
+tuit
+tuits
+tuppenny
+tween
+twixt
+tyg
+tyrranize
+ukelele
+umsige
+unbegot
+und
+uns
+unvoist
+uretheral
+urgin's
+ust
+v.intrans
+v.trans
+valium
+varicose
+vatch
+ve
+velcro
+verreckt
+vichyssoise
+viditur
+vo
+voist
+vol
+vowlz
+vu
+w4k
+wa
+watchout
+weatherman
+weenies
+weirdo
+wench
+werld
+whaledreck
+whilst
+whodo
+whomped
+wi
+wid
+wimmelten
+wimp
+wombat
+wonse
+woodburning
+workingman
+wr
+wrth
+wrung
+wud
+xanthic
+xe
+xen
+xrewawt
+xsz
+ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl
+yo
+you'se
+yyoouurr
+zayda
+zephyr's
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2 b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d4d2971
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2
@@ -0,0 +1,55888 @@
+=======================================================================
+||								     ||
+|| The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture!  ||
+||	   Watch for it at a theater near you next summer!	     ||
+||								     ||
+=======================================================================
+	Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
+			"Fortune Cookie"
+	Directed by Steven Spielberg.
+	Starring  Harrison Ford  Bette Midler  Marlon Brando
+		  Christopher Reeves  Marilyn Chambers
+		  and Bob Hope as "The Waiter".
+	Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin.
+	Special Effects by Timothy Leary.
+	Read the Warner paperback!
+	Invoke the Unix program!
+	Soundtrack on XTC Records.
+	In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal
+		centers.
+%
+						PLAYGIRL, Inc.
+						Philadelphia, Pa.  19369
+Dear Sir:
+	Your name has been submitted to us with your photo.  I regret to
+inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold.  On
+a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
+ranging in age from 60 to 75 years.  We tried to assemble a panel in the
+age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
+long enough to reach a decision.  Should the taste of the American woman
+ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
+in our magazine, you will be notified by this office.  Please, don't call
+us.
+	Sympathetically,
+	Amanda L. Smith
+
+p.s.	We also want to commend you for your unusual pose.  Were you
+	wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
+%
+			_-^--^=-_
+		   _.-^^          -~_
+		_--                  --_
+	       <                        >)
+	       |                         |
+		\._                   _./
+		   ```--. . , ; .--'''
+			 | |   |
+		      .-=||  | |=-.
+		      `-=#$%&%$#=-'
+			 | ;  :|
+		_____.,-#%&$@%#&#~,._____
+%
+				FROM THE DESK OF
+				Dorothy Gale
+
+	Auntie Em:
+		Hate you.
+		Hate Kansas.
+		Taking the dog.
+			Dorothy
+%
+				FROM THE DESK OF
+				Rapunzel
+
+Dear Prince:
+
+	Use ladder tonight --
+	you're splitting my ends.
+%
+				SEMINAR ANNOUNCEMENT
+
+Title:		Are Frogs Turing Compatible?
+Speaker:	Don "The Lion" Knuth
+
+				ABSTRACT
+	Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying
+the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular.  The problem
+of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas
+of computer science.  It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi-
+bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size
+pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete.  We will show that
+there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program
+to a frog.  We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable
+functions.
+	This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar.
+This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues.
+	Refreshments will be served.  Music will be played.
+%
+				UNIX Trix
+
+For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will
+save your support staff a few hours of precious time.  Before you send your
+next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd
+to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk.  Now when they
+forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct
+the damage.  Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea
+either.  If you need some help, give us a call.
+
+		-- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems
+%
+			 ___====-_  _-====___
+		  _--~~~#####// '  ` \\#####~~~--_
+		-~##########// (    ) \\##########~-_
+	       -############//  |\^^/|  \\############-
+	     _~############//   (O||O)   \\############~_ 
+	    ~#############((     \\//     ))#############~  
+	   -###############\\    (oo)    //###############-
+	  -#################\\  / `' \  //#################- 
+	 -###################\\/  ()  \//###################-
+	_#/|##########/\######(  (())  )######/\##########|\#_
+	|/ |#/\#/\#/\/  \#/\##|  \()/  |##/\#/  \/\#/\#/\#| \|
+	`  |/  V  V  `   V  )||  |()|  ||(  V   '  V /\  \|  '
+	   `   `  `      `  / |  |()|  | \  '      '<||>  '
+			   (  |  |()|  |  )\        /|/
+			  __\ |__|()|__| /__\______/|/
+			 (vvv(vvvv)(vvvv)vvv)______|/
+%
+			DELETE A FORTUNE!
+Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?!
+Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system?
+You can!  Just mail to `fortune' with the fortune you hate most,
+and we'll make sure it gets expunged.
+%
+			It's grad exam time...
+COMPUTER SCIENCE
+	Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
+system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert
+this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system.  Prove that these fixes are
+bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the
+new system.  (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.)
+
+MATHEMATICS
+	If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long
+it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the
+length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1.
+
+GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
+Describe the Universe.  Give three examples.
+%
+			It's grad exam time...
+MEDICINE
+	You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
+bottle of Scotch.  Remove your appendix.  Do not suture until your work has
+been inspected.  (You have 15 minutes.)
+
+HISTORY
+	Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
+day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
+economic, religious and philisophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
+Africa.  Be brief, concise, and specific.
+
+BIOLOGY
+	Create life.  Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
+if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with
+special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
+%
+			Pittsburgh driver's test
+10: Potholes are
+	a) extremely dangerous.
+	b) patriotic.
+	c) the fault of the previous administration.
+	d) all going to be fixed next summer.
+The correct answer is b.
+Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes
+are larger than the cars.  If you drive a big, patriotic, American car
+you have nothing to worry about.
+%
+			Pittsburgh driver's test
+2: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should
+	a) stop immediately.
+	b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
+	c) blow the horn.
+	d) floor it.
+The correct answer is d.
+If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point.
+%
+			Pittsburgh driver's test
+3: When stopped at an intersection you should
+	a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
+	b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
+	c) blow the horn.
+	d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.
+The correct answer is d.
+You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting
+street turns yellow.
+Answer c is worth a half point.
+%
+			Pittsburgh driver's test
+4: Exhaust gas is
+	a) beneficial.
+	b) not harmful.
+	c) toxic.
+	d) a punk band.
+The correct answer is b.
+The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise
+are liars.  (Message to those who answered d.  Go back to California where
+you came from.  Your kind are not welcome here.)
+%
+			Pittsburgh driver's test
+5: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.
+   How often should you test it?
+	a) once a year.
+	b) once a month.
+	c) once a day.
+	d) once an hour.
+The correct answer is d.
+You should test your car's horn at least once every hour,
+and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
+%
+			Pittsburgh driver's test
+7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
+   but a steady left tail light.
+	a) One of the tail lights is broken.  You should blow your
+	   horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
+	b) The driver is signaling a right turn.
+	c) The driver is signaling a left turn.
+	d) The driver is from out of town.
+The correct answer is d.
+Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
+%
+			Pittsburgh driver's test
+8: Pedestrians are
+	a) irrelevant.
+	b) communists.
+	c) a nuisance.
+	d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
+The correct answer is a.  Pedestrians are not in cars, so they
+are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them
+completely.
+%
+			Pittsburgh driver's test
+9: Roads are salted in order to
+	a) kill grass.
+	b) melt snow.
+	c) help the economy.
+	d) prevent potholes.
+The correct answer is c.
+Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more
+indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers.  Most important,
+salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and
+steel industries.
+%
+
+		 (  /\__________/\  )
+		  \(^ @___..___@ ^)/
+		   /\ (\/\/\/\/) /\
+		  /  \(/\/\/\/\)/  \
+		-(    """"""""""    )
+		  \      _____      /
+		  (     /(   )\     )
+		  _)   (_V) (V_)   (_
+		 (V)(V)(V)   (V)(V)(V)
+
+%
+		    ___====-_  _-====___
+	      _--~~~#####//      \\#####~~~--_
+	   _-~##########// (    ) \\##########~-_
+	  -############//  :\^^/:  \\############-
+	_~############//   (@::@)   \\############~_
+       ~#############((     \\//     ))#############~
+      -###############\\    (^^)    //###############-
+     -#################\\  / "" \  //#################-
+    -###################\\/      \//###################-
+   _#/:##########/\######(   /\   )######/\##########:\#_
+   :/ :#/\#/\#/\/  \#/\##\  :  :  /##/\#/  \/\#/\#/\#: \:
+   "  :/  V  V  "   V  \#\: :  : :/#/  V   "  V  V  \:  "
+      "   "  "      "   \ : :  : : /   "      "  "   "
+%
+		        Has your family tried 'em?
+
+			   POWDERMILK BISCUITS
+
+		 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
+
+	    They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
+	   the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
+
+			   POWDERMILK BISCUITS
+
+	Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
+	the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
+		     stains that indicate freshness.
+%
+		Answers to Last Fortunes' Questions:
+1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
+2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
+3) You don't know.  Neither does your boss.
+4) Who cares?
+5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3).  Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana,
+   submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.  Unfortunately, I lost it.
+6) I know the answer to this one, but I'm not telling!  Suffer!  Ha-ha-ha!!
+7) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 10,953 of my
+   book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom
+   supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books).
+%
+		Hard Copies and Chmod
+
+And everyone thinks computers are impersonal
+cold diskdrives hardware monitors
+user-hostile software 
+
+of course they're only bits and bytes 
+and characters and strings 
+and files
+
+just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend
+telling me he loves me and
+he'll take care of me
+
+simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory
+deep intimate secrets and
+how he doesn't trust me
+
+couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould
+on personal stationery
+		-- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu
+%
+		`O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE
+Timewarp allowed: 3 hours.  Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the
+margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells.  Orange may be worn.  Credit
+will be given to candidates who self-actualise.
+
+	1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why
+neither has street credibility.
+	2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting
+on a juggernaut route."  Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner
+city.
+	3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked
+into a black hole.
+	4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist
+ripoff merchants."  Comment on this insult.
+	5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics.
+	6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo."  How far is this a fair summing
+up of western dualism?
+	7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces.  Discuss.
+%
+		OUTCONERR
+Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
+	Did logzerneg the ifthen block
+All kludgy were the function flows
+	And subroutines adhoc.
+
+Beware the runtime-bug my friend
+	squrooneg, the false goto
+Beware the infiniteloop
+	And shun the inprectoo.
+%
+		Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
+1.	Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a
+		nuclear bomb, use the stairs.
+2.	When you're flying through the air, remember to roll
+		when you hit the ground.
+3.	If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
+4.	Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead
+		to psychological problems.
+5.	Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge.   Learn to recognize
+		foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
+		shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
+6.	Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs
+		will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
+7.	Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles.
+8.	Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be
+		staggering illegally.
+9.	Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more
+		sanitary due to limited circulation.
+10.	Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short
+		supply on D-Day.
+%
+		The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
+The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system
+in a portable package the size of a briefcase.  The guy on the left has an
+Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case.  Also in the case are four
+fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition.  The owner of the
+Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
+target -- in less time, and with less effort.  All for $795. It's inevitable.
+If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal 
+computer -- he's the one who's in trouble.  One round from an Uzi can zip
+through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
+to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum.  In fact, detachable magazines 
+for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can 
+take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
+into Ethernet or other local-area networks.  What about the new 16-bit
+computers, like the Lisa and Fortune?  Even with the Winchester backup, 
+they're no match for the Uzi.  One quick burst and they'll find out what 
+Unix means.  Make your commanding officer proud.  Get an Uzi -- and come home
+a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
+		-- "InfoWorld", June, 1984
+%
+		The Split-Atom Blues
+Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
+	Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline...
+But if you split those atoms fine,
+	Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
+Gimme zits, take my dough,
+	Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll...
+Call the devil and sell my soul,
+	But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
+		-- Milo Bloom
+%
+		THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
+
+If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your contribution
+of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene?  We cannot continue without your support.
+Less than 14% of all fortune users are contributors.  That means that 86% of
+you are getting a free ride.  We can't go on like this much longer.  Federal
+cutbacks mean less money for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase
+to make up the difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between
+midnight and 8 a.m.  Don't let this happen.  Mail your fortunes right now to
+`fortune'.  Just type in your favorite pithy fortune.  Do it now before you
+forget.  Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.  Don't miss
+out.  All fortunes will be acknowledged.  If you contribute 30 fortunes or
+more, you will receive a free subscription to "The Fortune Hunter", our monthly
+program guide.  If you contribute 50 or more, you will receive a free "Fortune
+Hunter" coffee mug!
+%
+		What I Did During My Fall Semester
+On the first day of my fall semester, I got up.
+Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
+Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
+
+On the second day of my fall semester, I got up.
+Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
+Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
+
+On the third day of my fall semester, I got up.
+Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
+I found a thesis topic:
+	How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover.
+		-- Sister Mary Elephant,
+		"Student Statement for Black Friday"
+%
+	      1/2
+	 /\(3)
+	 |     2			  1/3
+	 |    z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e   )
+	 |
+	\/ 1
+
+The integral of z squared, dz
+From 1 to the square root of 3
+	Times the cosine
+	Of 3 PI over nine
+Is the log of the cube root of e
+%
+	   (1/2)
+	/ 3
+	|       2         3 x 3.14            (1/2)
+	|      z dz  cos (--------)   =  ln(e     )
+	/ 1		     9
+
+The integral, from one to root three,
+Of z to the second dz,
+	Times the cosine
+	Of 3 pi over nine
+Is the log of the third root of e.
+%
+	   THE DAILY PLANET
+
+	SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
+	Plans to "Eat it later"
+%
+	*** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING ***
+
+Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
+terms that nobody understands?  Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
+the hearts of DP managers everywhere?  If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
+School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
+They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day.
+With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code
+and lots more besides.  Our training course covers every programming language
+in existence, and some that aren't.  You'll learn why the on/off switch for a
+computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what
+you should blame when you make a mistake.
+
+	Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer.
+	I enclose $1000 is small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
+	postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)
+
+*** Our Slogan:  Top down programming for the masses. ***
+%
+	*** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ***
+Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
+terms that nobody understands?  Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
+the hearts of DP managers everywhere?  If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
+School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
+
+	*** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? ***
+Programming is not for everyone.  But, if you have the desire to learn, we can
+help you get started.  All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and
+enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.
+
+	*** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST ***
+To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to
+try this simple test:
+	1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters
+		of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF).
+	2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
+	3: What is the state capital of Idaho?
+If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked
+them, you may have a future as a computer programmer.
+%
+	*** STUDENT SUCCESSES ***
+
+Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of
+programming.  One former student developed the concept of the personalized
+form letter.  Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a
+winner!," sound familiar?  Another student writes "After only five lessons I
+sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine.
+Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management
+program for my department manager.  My program touched him so deeply that he
+was speechless.  He told me later that he had never seen such a program in
+his entire career.  Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could
+have made this possible."  Send for our introductory brochure which explains
+in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll
+be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which
+can vie for a set of free steak knives.  If you don't do it now, you'll hate
+yourself in the morning.
+%
+	... This striving for excellence extends into people's
+personal lives as well.  When '80s people buy something, they buy the
+best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.
+Eighties people buy imported dental floss.  They buy gourmet baking
+soda.  If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a
+reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their
+table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is
+not an excellent restaurant.  If it were, it would have an enormous
+crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their
+beepers going off like crickets in the night.  An excellent restaurant
+wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of
+Liza Minnelli.
+		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
+%
+	... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
+%
+	12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4)                  2
+	----------------------  +  5(11)  =  9  +  0
+		  7
+
+A dozen, a gross and a score,
+Plus three times the square root of four,
+	Divided by seven,
+	Plus five times eleven,
+Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!
+%
+	7,140	pounds on the Sun
+	   97	pounds on Mercury or Mars
+	  255	pounds on Earth
+	  232	pounds on Venus or Uranus
+	   43	pounds on the Moon
+	  648	pounds on Jupiter
+	  275	pounds on Saturn
+	  303	pounds on Neptune
+	   13	pounds on Pluto
+
+		-- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places
+		   in the solar system.
+%
+	A boy scout troop went on a hike.  Crossing over a stream, one of
+the boys dropped his wallet into the water.  Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed
+the wallet and tossed it to another carp.  Then that carp passed it to
+another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back
+and forth.
+	"Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
+of carp-to-carp walleting."
+%
+	A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
+the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do.  Finding them
+missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in
+his recently completed carpet-installation.  Not wanting to pull up all that
+work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump
+flat.  Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
+	At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two
+events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the
+dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously:
+"Have you seen my parakeet?"
+%
+	A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when
+a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him.  "Are you the
+foreman around here?" he asked timidly.  "I'd like to join your circus; I
+have what I think is a pretty good act."
+	The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to
+the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top.
+Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping
+his arms furiously.  Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little
+man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles,
+performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive
+from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside
+the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
+	"Well," puffed the little man.  "What do you think?"
+	"That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully.  "Bird
+imitations?"
+%
+	A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating
+his morning meal.  "I would like to give you this personality test", said
+the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
+	Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
+toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
+%
+	A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about 
+whose profession was the oldest.  In the course of their arguments, they
+got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
+medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
+rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
+	The architect did not agree.  He said, "But if you look at the Garden 
+itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden 
+and the world were created.  So God must have been an architect."
+	The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then 
+commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
+%
+	A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
+buddy down the road, who owns several boars.  They agree on a stud fee, and
+the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
+boars.  He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
+the man how he can tell if it "took" or not.  The breeder replies that if,
+the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
+they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
+	Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
+farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
+frolic.  This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
+in the mud.
+	Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
+don't have the heart to look again.  This is getting ridiculous.  You check
+today."  With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
+	"What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly.  "Are they grazing at last?"
+	"Nope." replies his wife.  "Two of them are jumping up and down in
+the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
+%
+	A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for
+her birthday.  An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her
+looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen.  "My pup," she murmured
+sadly, "runneth over."
+	Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
+the father spanked them.  His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
+"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
+%
+	A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
+After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
+one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed.  They killed
+the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
+	"What do you think?" said the the first ranger.
+	"The Czech is in the male," replied the second.
+%
+	A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
+island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
+could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands.  They
+were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
+the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
+the snake's head.  Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
+downward to break the snake's spine.  All went well for the landing, the
+charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle.  At one foxhole site, two
+men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
+Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
+blood.  He collapsed to the ground.  His buddies were so shocked they could
+only blurt out, "What happened?"
+	"I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
+ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me.  I
+grabbed its tail end with my left hand.  I placed my right hand above my left
+hand.  I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
+the snake.  When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
+to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
+%
+	A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved 
+dog in his brother's care.  The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his 
+brother and inquires after his pet.
+	"Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
+	The guy is devastated.  "You know how much that dog meant to me," 
+he moaned into the phone.  "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way 
+of breaking the news?  Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got 
+outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a 
+corner...' or something...?  Why are you always so thoughtless?"
+	"Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
+	"Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us.  How are you anyway?
+How's Mom?"
+	His brother is silent a moment.  "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got 
+outside one day..."
+%
+	A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
+I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
+	A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
+be?  I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
+	"Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
+dog's stuck in its throat."
+%
+	A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three
+days old.  He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
+	A crow perched himself on a telephone wire.  He was going to make a
+long-distance caw.
+	A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a
+new theatrical season.  "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
+	A hard-luck actor who appeared in one coloossal disaster after another
+finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact.  Someone pointed out that it's
+the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
+%
+	A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
+	The housewife replied, "Four!".
+	The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4.  Let me run those figures
+through my spread sheet one more time."
+	The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
+hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
+%
+	A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone.  After he had
+made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
+would like on it.  "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the
+lawyer.
+	"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter.  "In this
+state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.  However,
+I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer'', if that would be okay."
+	"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
+	"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter.  "people will read it
+and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
+%
+	A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
+the bartender.  "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
+	The bartender ignores him.
+	"Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
+	Still ignored.
+	"HEY BARMAN!!  GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!"
+	The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
+leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
+	Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
+jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns.  He ambles slowly into the
+saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
+"I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
+%
+	A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot.  He points
+to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs.
+	When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement
+and asks why it is so much.  "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and
+French and can recite the periodic table."  He points to another bird
+and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and
+German, can knit and can curse in Latin.
+	Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird.  "Ah," he is
+told, "that one is 150,000."
+	"Why, what can it do?" he asks.
+	"Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't
+do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."  
+		-- being told in Poland, 1987
+%
+	A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
+Knuth.  When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found.  "Where is the
+wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student.
+	"Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a
+pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new
+disciples."
+	Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.
+%
+	A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar.  They got along well,
+shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening.  When he left her, he told her
+that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again,
+soon.  Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.
+	The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing.  She
+agreed.  As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was.
+Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers
+-- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army
+knife!
+	Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the
+afternoon finding a particularly unusual one.  Arriving at her apartment
+he immediately presented her with the knife.  She ooohed and ahhhed over it
+for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't
+help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.
+	Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.
+	"Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that
+won't always be true.  And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"
+%
+	A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
+terrible problem, Doctor.  I have a son at Harvard and another son at
+Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
+homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
+got a thriving ranch in Venezuela.  My wife is a gorgeous young actress
+who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
+	The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused.  "Did I miss
+something?  It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
+	"But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
+%
+	A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
+"Do you serve lawyers here?".
+	"Sure do," replied the bartender.
+	"Good," said the man.  "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
+my 'gator."
+%
+	A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
+	A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
+during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he
+was making a bolt for the door.
+	A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
+house of seven gobbles.
+	A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
+wife asked "What have you got there?"  Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
+	A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic.
+	Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.
+Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max."
+%
+	A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
+program on which he was working.  "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer
+promptly replied.
+	"I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully,
+how long will it take?"
+	The programmer thought for a moment.  "I have some features that I wish
+to add.  This will take at least two weeks," he finally said.
+	"Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
+satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
+	The programmer agreed to this.
+	Several years slated, the manager retired.  On the way to his
+retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
+He had been programming all night.
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him
+invented a new program that became popular and sold well.  As a result, the
+manager retained his job.
+	The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer
+refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting
+concept, and thus I expect no reward."
+	The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he
+holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an
+employee.  Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!"
+	But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist
+so that I can program.  If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste
+everyone's time.  Can I go now?  I have a program that I'm working on."
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements
+document for a new application.  The manager asked the master: "How long will
+it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?"
+	"It will take one year," said the master promptly.
+	"But we need this system immediately or even sooner!  How long will it
+take it I assign ten programmers to it?"
+	The master programmer frowned.  "In that case, it will take two years."
+	"And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?"
+	The master programmer shrugged.  "Then the design will never be
+completed," he said.
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	A manger went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
+work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave
+at five in the afternoon."  At this, all of them became angry and several
+resigned on the spot.
+	So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
+working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule."  The
+programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
+hours of the morning.
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day.  The master
+noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game.  "Excuse me",
+he said, "may I examine it?"
+	The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master.
+"I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium,
+and Hard", said the master.  "Yet every such device has another level of play,
+where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the
+human."
+	"Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this
+mysterious setting?"
+	The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot.
+And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices.
+"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
+said the master.
+	"Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
+	"It is," came the reply.
+	"Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
+	"It is even in a video game," said the master.
+	"And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
+	The master coughed and shifted his position slightly.  "The lesson
+is over for today.", he said.
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices,
+"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
+said the master.
+	"Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
+	"It is," came the reply.
+	"Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
+	"It is even in a video game," said the master.
+	"And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
+	The master coughed and shifted his position slightly.  "The lesson is
+over for today," he said.
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	A MODERN FABLE
+
+Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory
+far too subtle for the youth of today.  Children need an updated message
+with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit
+today's minute attention span.
+
+	The Troubled Aardvark
+
+Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was
+driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house
+in his brand new 4x4.  He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and
+unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled
+children.  One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and
+his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its
+pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any
+personal effort he could make to change the status quo.  Overcome by a
+wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only
+course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he
+drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.
+
+MORAL OF THE STORY:  Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.
+		-- Tom Annau
+%
+	A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
+the death of composer Edward MacDowell.  She played the elegy for the
+pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion.  "Well, it's quite
+nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
+	"If what?" asked the composer.
+	"If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
+%
+	A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
+removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
+doing nothing.  Benchmarks on  this technique are promising; tremendous
+amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner.  Certain hardware
+limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
+larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
+power-down sequence.
+	An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
+building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
+bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
+cool.
+%
+	A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
+documents, or tests his programs.  Yet all who know him consider him one of
+the best programmers in the world.  Why is this?"
+	The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao.  He has
+gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
+crashes, but accepts the universe without concern.  He has gone beyond the
+need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code.  He
+has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within
+themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident.  Truly, he has
+entered the mystery of the Tao."
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and
+sometimes aborts.  I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally
+baffled. What is the reason for this?"
+	The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand
+the Tao.  Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans.  Why
+do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed?  Computers
+simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect.
+	The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal.
+Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment."
+	"But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the
+novice.
+	"Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is
+much larger than all others.  It towers above its competition like a giant
+among dwarfs.  Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business.
+Why is this so?"
+	The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions?  That
+company is large because it is so large.  If it only made hardware, nobody
+would buy it.  If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a
+servant.  But because it combines all of these things, people think it one
+of the gods!  By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort."
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure
+that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'.  It is bloated out of shape with
+vice-presidents and accountants.  It issues a multitude of memos, each saying
+'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant.  Every year new
+names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail.  How can such an
+unnatural entity exist?"
+	The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are
+disturbed that it has no rational purpose.  Can you not take amusement from
+its endless gyrations?  Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming
+beneath its sheltering branches?  Why are you bothered by its uselessness?"
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial
+package.
+	The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master
+reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set
+of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface,
+but not the slightest mention of anything financial.
+	When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant.
+"Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually."
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the
+power off and on.  Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly,
+"You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding
+of what is going wrong."  Knight turned the machine off and on.  The
+machine worked.
+%
+	A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost
+in a forest in the dead of winter.  As they were sitting around a fire, they
+noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily.
+	The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the
+party.  He walked out into the night.
+	The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to
+be the next victim.  The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him,
+too.
+	The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned
+to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to
+save a fellow socialist."  He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by
+the wolf pack.
+	At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun.
+He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds
+has killed them all.
+	The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others
+went out to be killed?
+	The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket.
+He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many."
+%
+	A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
+two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.  "That's what
+I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
+	As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
+he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
+%
+	A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a
+strings of pearls.  The spirit and intent of the program should be retained
+throughout.  There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless
+loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming
+rigidity.
+	A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'.  What is this
+law?  It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the
+way that astonishes him least.
+	A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit.  The
+program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward
+appearances.
+	If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of
+disorder and confusion.  The only way to correct this is to rewrite the
+program.
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software
+conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort
+of programmers work for other companies?  They behaved badly and were
+unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their
+clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed out hospitality suites and they
+made rude noises during my presentation."
+	The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference.
+Those programmers live beyond the physical world.  They consider life absurd,
+an accidental coincidence.  They come and go without knowing limitations.
+Without a care, they live only for their programs.  Why should they bother
+with social conventions?"
+	"They are alive within the Tao."
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
+carrying a shotgun and a dead loon.  "What in the world do you think you're
+doing?  Don't you know that the loon is on the endagered species list?"
+	Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
+which contained twelve more loons.
+	"Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
+	"Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
+	"What's so special about a loon?  What does it taste like?"
+	"Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."
+%
+	A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
+recorded the following on the patient's chart:  "Patient failed to fulfill
+his wellness potential."
+
+	Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
+of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
+
+	A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
+personnel devices."  You probably call them bombs.
+
+	At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
+mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status."  That is, they were fired.
+
+	After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
+of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
+only to receive the following notice:  "We must report that during the handling
+of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
+unusual laboratory experience."  The use of the passive is a particularly nice
+touch, don't you think?  Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
+experience.  Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his 
+pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
+sent him.
+		-- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
+%
+	A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend.  He told the operator,
+"This is a parson to parson call."
+	A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign.  "Free
+Chickens.  Our Coop Runneth Over."
+	Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail.  While Bill has a great
+deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is.
+	Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family
+often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
+	The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was
+caught again, he would be thrown in jail.  Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
+	A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for
+granite.
+%
+	A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
+As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
+eyeing him and giggling.  One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty!  What's worn
+under the kilt?"
+	He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
+SURE you want to know?"  Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did
+really want to know.
+	The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn
+under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
+%
+	A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,
+realization of a basic truth came over me.  So simple!  So obvious we couldn't
+see it.  John Knivlen, Chairman of Polamar Repeater Club, an amateur radio
+group, had discovered how IC circuits work.  He says that smoke is the thing
+that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit,
+it stops working.  He claims to have verified this with thorough testing.
+	I was flabbergasted!  Of course!  Smoke makes all things electrical
+work.  Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator
+Didn't it quit working?  I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth
+dawned.  It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to
+another in your Mini, MG or Jag.  And when the harness springs a leak, it lets
+the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works.  The starter motor
+requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire
+going to it is so large.
+	Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis.  Why are Lucas
+electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch?  Hmmm...  Aha!!!  Lucas is
+British, and all things British leak!  British convertible tops leak water,
+British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and
+I might add Brititsh tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
+secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke.
+		-- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School
+%
+	A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to
+Maddona, a young puppy.  It hitched its waggin' to a star.
+	A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best
+friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown.  When asked by her father why she
+had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today
+and I've been telling it to the Maureens."
+	Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene
+from Don Quixote for a local TV show.  "I'll play the title role," proposed
+Tom.  "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."
+%
+	A woman was married to a golfer.  One day she asked, "If I were
+to die, would you remarry?"
+	After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
+this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
+	The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
+	"Yes," he replied.  "That's a good car and it runs well."
+	"Well, would you live in this house?"
+	"Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. 
+I've always loved it here."
+	"Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
+	"No."
+	"Why not?"
+	"She's left handed."
+%
+	A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened 
+to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road.  After seeing the 
+sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
+"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride.  "You certainly have a dangerous job.
+Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
+	"Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
+	"Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
+a snake?"
+	"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
+am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
+suck the poison from the wound."
+	"What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on
+a rattler?" persisted the woman.
+	"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
+who my real friends are."
+%
+	A young married couple had their first child.  Their original pride
+and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
+child had never uttered any form of speech.  They hired the best speech
+therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail.  The child simply refused
+to speak.  One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading
+the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from
+his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold."
+	The couple is stunned.  The man, in tears, confronts his son.  "Son,
+after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?".
+	Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
+%
+	ACHTUNG!!!
+Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben.  Ist easy
+schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
+spitzensparken.  Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen.  Das
+rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets.  Relaxen und
+vatch das blinkenlights!!!
+%
+	After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
+directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the
+Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head.  PDP-1 had Luke stop at the
+edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.
+	"Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1.  "You will never find a more
+wretched hive of bugs and flamers.  We must be cautious."
+		-- DECWARS
+%
+	After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in
+	the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they
+would finally find and enter the Promised Land.  With him, he brought his
+favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted
+camp chores.
+	The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and,
+	as the months passed, became very fond of him.  Patriarchs took to
+discussing abtruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
+children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed.
+Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was
+ending, he abruptly wore out.  Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
+	"It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend
+Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it.  He must be properly
+interred.  We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians.  Nor have we wood for
+a coffin.  But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own
+cattle.  We shall bury him in it."
+	Feghoot agreed.  "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?"
+	Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!"
+	"Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not
+realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!"
+		-- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand
+		   Feghoot!"
+%
+	After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
+earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several 
+minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
+	"No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
+name for my baby."
+	"But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
+of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
+	"That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
+name."
+%
+	All that you touch,		And all you create,
+	All that you see,		And all you destroy,
+	All that you taste,		All that you do,
+	All you feel,			And all you say,
+	And all that you love,		All that you eat,
+	And all that you hate,		And everyone you meet,
+	All you distrust,		All that you slight,
+	All you save,			And everyone you fight,
+	And all that you give,		And all that is now,
+	And all that you deal,		And all that is gone,
+	All that you buy,		And all that's to come,
+	Beg, borrow or steal,		And everything under the sun is
+						in tune,
+					But the sun is eclipsed
+					By the moon.
+
+There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark.
+		-- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon"
+%
+	America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission
+with one astronaut from each country.  Since it's going to be two long, lonely
+years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds
+or less.  The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb.
+wife. They approve.
+	The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin.  I
+want 100 lbs. of textbooks."  The NASA board approves.  The Russian astronaut
+thinks for a second and says, "Two years...  all right, I want 150 pounds of
+the best Cuban cigars ever made."   Again, NASA okays it.
+	Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside
+to welcome back the astronauts.  Well, it's obvious what the American's been
+up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant.  The crowd cheers.  The
+Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely
+perfect Latin.  The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're
+impressed and they cheer again.  The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
+the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
+screams: "Anybody got a match?"
+%
+	An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean.  He
+	knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully
+and with great restraint.
+	As he designs the first work, frill after frill and
+	embellishment after embellishment occur to him.  These get
+stored away to be used "next time."  Sooner or later the first system
+is finished, and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated
+mastery of that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.
+	This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.
+When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will
+confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems,
+and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that
+are particular and not generalizable.
+	The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using
+all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first
+one.  The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile."
+		-- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
+%
+	An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean.  He knows
+he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great
+restraint.
+	As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment
+after embellishment occur to him.  These get stored away to be used "next
+time".  Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect,
+with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems,
+is ready to build a second system.
+	This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.  When
+he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each
+other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences
+will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not
+generalizable.
+	The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all
+the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one.
+The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
+%
+	An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
+porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps.  She
+picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears!  The genie
+tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
+	After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
+beautiful!"  And POOF!  In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
+voluptuous woman.
+	After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
+for the rest of my life."  And POOF!  When the smoke clears, there are
+stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
+	The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
+	"Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
+faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
+handsome prince!"
+	And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
+handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
+	As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
+the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
+fixed?"
+%
+	An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
+is severely rationed).  When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and
+announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
+	"What is this?" he shouts.  "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard
+all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a
+piece of meat?  This rotten system stinks!"
+	Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
+"Take it easy, comrade.  Remember what would have happened if you had made an
+outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to
+this head and pulls the trigger.
+	The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat
+again?"
+	"It's worse than that," he replies.  "They're out of bullets."
+		-- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987
+%
+	An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.
+The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about
+to killed, your deaths will not be in vain.  Every part of your body will be
+used.  Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry.  Your hair will be
+woven into clothing, for my people are naked.  Your bones will be ground up
+and made into medicine, for my people are sick.  Your skin will be stretched
+over canoe frames, for my people need transportation.  We are a fair people,
+and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."
+	The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
+while plunging the knife into his heart.
+ 	The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
+"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.  
+	The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
+while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
+%
+	An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
+great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
+I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
+I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
+I have not been enlightened.  What should I do?"
+	Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
+		-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
+%
+	And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord
+bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies
+to tiny bits, in thy mercy" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast
+upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and
+breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...
+	(skip a bit brother...)
+	Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt thou
+take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
+Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the count
+shall be three.  Four shalt thou not count neither count thou two, excepting
+that thou then proceed to three.  Five is right out.  Once the number
+three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand
+Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall
+snuff it.
+		-- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments"
+%
+	"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
+asked the father of his little son.
+	"Diet."
+%
+	"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
+to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
+posh hotel.
+	"No.  No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
+	"Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
+	"Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman.  "Would you bring me
+a postcard?"
+%
+	"Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
+	"The curious incident of the stable dog in the nightime."
+	"But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
+	"That was the curious incident."
+		-- A. Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
+%
+	Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen
+preaching to a group of disciples.
+	"Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating
+the absolute reality of --"
+	"Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!"
+	Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he
+vaporized.
+	On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued
+with the spirit of the morning.
+	"Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks,
+"Thou art That..."
+	"Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!"
+	Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk,
+and he vaporized.
+	Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our
+enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow
+soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?"
+	"US?" snapped Hakuin.
+	Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the
+Governor, and he vaporized.
+	Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with
+his shotgun.  "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!"
+%
+	As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy
+for more than 15 percent of their life span.  The words "I am sorry" and "I
+am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary.  They will stab
+you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your
+friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying:
+	"Sure, I put your dog in the microwave.  But I feel *better*
+for doing it."
+		-- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone"
+%
+	At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from
+Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
+under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
+%
+	Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
+	took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of
+his followers.
+	One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
+there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
+	"Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
+commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile?  What is your
+Purpose in Life, anyway?"
+	Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU".  (The
+Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
+	Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
+	Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
+		-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
+%
+	better !pout !cry
+	better watchout
+	lpr why
+	santa claus < north pole > town
+
+	cat /etc/passwd > list
+	ncheck list
+	ncheck list
+	cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist
+	cat list | grep nice > giftlist
+	santa claus < north pole > town
+
+	who | grep sleeping
+	who | grep awake
+	who | grep bad || good
+	for (goodness sake) {
+		be good
+	}
+%
+	Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design.
+Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas guage, nor
+any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.
+Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the
+center of the dashboard.  "The experienced driver", he says, "will
+usually know what's wrong."
+%
+	Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
+and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the
+boat into the lake.  Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't
+look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier.
+	By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his
+teeth were chattering like all get out.  Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to
+the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do".
+	Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now,
+Leroy, listen closely.  Bubba is in great danger.  He has hy-po-thermia.  Now
+what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your
+clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him.  Then you all
+get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up.
+You understand me Leroy?  You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
+	Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the
+pier.  "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered.
+	"Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."
+%
+	By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in
+the South, were of the present standard gauge.  The southern roads were
+still five feet between rails.
+	It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard,
+in one day.  This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May
+of 1886.  For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the
+axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which
+could run on the new track as soon as it was ready.  Finally, on the day set,
+great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn.  Everywhere one
+rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its
+new position.  By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate
+over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere
+was possible.
+		-- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957
+%
+	Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees
+along the block of booths.  She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild!
+Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!"
+	Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks
+would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
+	Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like
+to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
+	Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no,
+I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it."
+	Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a
+whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it."
+	Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try
+it some other time, Carrie."
+	She gave it up.
+		-- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street"
+%
+	Chapter VIII
+Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension,
+Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe
+like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.
+%
+	Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted
+in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks.  I think we need more
+owls."
+		-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
+%
+	COONDOG MEMORY
+	(heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago)
+
+Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as
+old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot.
+For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and
+is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to
+try out ol' Sis here.  So I turned her out south of the house and she made
+two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set
+back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods,
+come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air,
+run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had
+something treed.  We went over there with our flashlights and shone them
+up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my
+neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she
+stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it.  So I pulled off my
+coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon
+skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up.
+Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow
+was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the
+air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the
+Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back.  Now, this dog
+is for sale.
+		-- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly
+%
+	Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the
+functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that
+the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free.
+	However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the
+diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and
+square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the
+date of purchase.
+	NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS
+DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING
+ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR
+CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.
+		-- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual
+%
+	Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
+
+	Sept 14		Pasadena Junior High
+	Sept 21		Boy Scout Troop 049
+	Sept 28		Blind Academy
+	Sept 30		World War I Veterans
+	Oct 5		Brownie Scout Troop 041
+	Oct 12		Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
+	Oct 26		St. Thomas Boys Choir
+	Nov 2		Texas City Vet Clinic
+	Nov 9		Korean War Amputees
+	Nov 15		VA Hospital Polio Patients
+%
+	"Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll 
+be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
+%
+	"Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
+married?"
+	He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
+I've always been especially fond of married women."
+%
+	Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
+	Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
+	Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
+	Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
+
+	Don't we know archaic barrel,
+	Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
+	Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
+	Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
+		-- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie"
+%
+	Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
+white electric blanket?  I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.
+
+Thanks, Kathy.  (front desk, x17)
+
+p.s.	Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns?  
+	Or is Vaseline better?
+%
+	"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
+sincerely, extremely dangerously.
+	They used dogs.  They used probes.  They used cardio plate crossoffs.
+They used teepers.  They used bribery.  They used stick tites.  They used
+intimidation.  They used torment.  They used torture.  They used finks.
+They used cops.  They used search and seizure.  They used fallaron.  They
+used betterment incentives.  They used finger prints.  They used the
+bertillion system.  They used cunning.  They used guile.  They used treachery.
+They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.  They used applied physics.
+They used techniques of criminology.  And what the hell, they caught him.
+		-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
+%
+	Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether
+at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or
+"mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such
+experiences today.  Here is his account of what happened:
+	"I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination
+to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the
+thought I should find uppermost in my mind.  The mighty music of the triumphal
+march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a
+sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment.
+The veil of eternity was lifted.  The one great truth which underlies all
+human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has
+sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation.  Henceforth
+all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the
+knowledge of the cherubim.  As my natural condition returned, I remembered
+my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling
+characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness.
+The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder):
+`A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'"
+		-- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs
+%
+	During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife.  She had
+him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
+	In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher.
+She's a women who conks to stupor.
+	Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
+man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
+	It's not the inital skirt length, it's the upcreep.
+	It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
+bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
+%
+	During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were 
+blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall.  Suddenly a red-face 
+country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost 
+hit my wife."
+	"Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast.  "Terribly sorry.  Have a shot
+at mine, over there."
+%
+	Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times.
+At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly
+after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely,
+"Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so
+charming a wife."
+%
+	Everthing is farther away than it used to be.  It is even twice as
+far to the corner and they have added a hill.  I have given up running for
+the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
+	It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
+days.  And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
+	There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everbody
+speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
+	The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips
+and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces.  And the
+sizes don't run the way they used to.  The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.
+	Even people are changing.  They are so much younger than they used to
+be when I was their age.  On  the other hand people my age are so much older
+than I am.
+	I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
+that she didn't recognize me.
+	I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
+this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection.  Really now,
+they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
+		Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed"
+%
+	Excellence is THE trend of the '80s.  Walk into any shopping
+mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
+"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
+how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
+"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
+So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
+		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
+%
+	Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the
+humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and
+rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the
+seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs.
+The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face.
+	"One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to
+aggravate illusions.  Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like,
+but Exxon has decided they smelled bad.
+	"At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled
+message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise.  I dozed off during this,
+but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with
+energy policy and neither do you."
+		-- P.J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"
+%
+	For example, in Year 1 that useless letter 'c' would be dropped to be
+replased either by 'k' or 's', and likewise 'x' would no longer be part of the
+alphabet. The only kase in which 'c' would be retained would be the 'ch'
+formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform 'w' spelling,
+so that 'which' and 'one' would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might
+well abolish 'y' replasing it with 'i' and Iear 4 might fiks the 'g-j'
+anomali wonse and for all.
+	Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with
+Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so
+modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.  Bai
+Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez
+'c', 'y' and 'x' - bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez - tu
+riplais 'ch', 'sh', and 'th' rispektivli.
+	Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a
+lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
+%
+	"Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly:
+"of course you know what 'it' means."
+
+	"I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing,"
+said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm.
+
+The question is, what did the archbishop find?"
+%
+	Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
+usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation.  On this particular
+evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
+such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
+	One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
+and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?"  The four
+fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
+	At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?"  The others nodded
+in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem.  A second
+professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'"  Again, the others
+nodded.  A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
+	They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
+remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
+the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies.  What are your
+thoughts?"
+	Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
+%
+	Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
+"What happened?"  "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
+	A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these
+stops and starts get you pretty worn out?"  "It isn't the stops and starts
+that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."
+	An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
+time.  One was named Edith; the other named Kate.  They met, discovered they
+had the same fiancee, and told him.  "Get out of our lives you rascal.  We'll
+teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
+	A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl.  He came back from
+his honeymoon a chastened man.  He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
+	A young husband with an inferiorty complex insisted he was just a
+little pebble on the beach.  The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
+save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
+%
+	Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their 
+engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who 
+was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy 
+and sarcastic?"
+	"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
+	"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
+%
+	"Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an
+extracurricular activity except you."
+	"Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
+	"Only to ten, Mudhead."
+%
+	"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
+to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
+beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a 
+dark prison cell?  Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little 
+apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
+in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
+%
+	God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
+differences once and for all.
+	When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
+where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
+%
+	Graduating seniors, parents and friends...
+	Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up
+to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.
+	The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the
+text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.
+	Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured
+the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to
+expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.
+	Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric
+perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed
+denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.
+
+	Thank you and good luck.
+		-- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech.
+%
+	Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there
+may be in Science.  As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system.
+Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results.  And listen to others,
+even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers.  Avoid loud and
+aggressive persons, for they are sales reps.
+	If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised,
+for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched.
+Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real
+hassle and could change your fortunes in time.
+	Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of
+bugs.  But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive
+for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations.  Strive for
+proportionality.  Especially, do not faint when it occurs.  Neither be cyclical
+about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed.
+	Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points.  Gracefully pass
+them on to the youth at the next desk.  Nurture some mutual funds to shield
+you in times of sudden layoffs.  But do not distress yourself with imaginings
+-- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly.  Murphy's Law runs the
+Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0.
+	Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you
+can conceive of to try.  With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken
+line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary.  Be linear.  Strive
+to stay employed.
+		-- Technolorata, "Analog"
+%
+	"Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed
+his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns
+verbed, and adjectives adverbised.  He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his
+thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he
+had actually implicationed.
+	"If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian
+leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent
+since Clausewitz.  Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first."
+		-- The Guardian
+%
+	Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse.  Software said: "You
+are the Yin and I am the Yang.  If we travel together we will become famous
+and earn vast sums of money."  And so the pair set forth together, thinking
+to conquer the world.
+	Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
+hobbled along propped on a thorny stick.  Firmware said to them: "The Tao
+lies beyond Yin and Yang.  It is silent and still as a pool of water.  It does
+not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence.  It does not seeks fortune,
+for it is complete within itself.  It exists beyond space and time."
+	Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home 
+from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
+	"I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly.  "You
+promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
+nine.  It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
+	"Honey, wait," said Harry.  "Let me explain.  I know what I promised
+you, but I have a very good reason for being late.  Fred and I tee'd off
+right on time and everything was find for the first three holes.  Then, on
+the fourth tee Fred had a stroke.  I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
+find a doctor.  And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead.  So, for
+the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
+%
+	Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
+No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
+been worse."
+	To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
+situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no 
+hope in it.  Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
+"Harry!  Did you hear what happened to George?  He came home last night,
+found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
+the gun on himself!"
+	"Terrible," said Harry.  "But it could have been worse."
+	"How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly
+have been worse?"
+	"Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
+dead right now."
+%
+	He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought
+until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to
+heal.  Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and
+ordered the dog brought in.  Just as he had suspected, the dog had
+rabies.  Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor
+felt he had to prepare him for the worst.  The poor man sat down at the
+doctor's desk and began to write.  His physician tried to comfort him.
+"Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will
+right now."
+	"I'm not making out any will," relied the man.  "I'm just writing
+out a list of people I'm going to bite!"
+%
+	...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither
+does he hate it.  Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to
+combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is
+self-propagating.
+		-- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose"
+%
+	"Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
+	"Thanks.  Got it upstairs already."
+	"Do it alone?"
+	"Nope.  Hitched the cat to it."
+	"How would that help?"
+	"Used a whip."
+%
+	"Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
+	"Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion!  Busy day?"
+	"Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
+	"Four hours to bury a cat!?"
+	"Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
+	"Oh, it's not dead then."
+	"Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're
+goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be
+on the safe side."
+	"Quite right.  You don't want to come back from Sorrento
+to a dead cat, do you?"
+		-- Monty Python
+%
+	Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month.
+According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing
+severe marketing anxiety in China.
+	The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending
+on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".
+	Bite the wax tadpole.
+	There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
+	The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard
+to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
+tadpole.  Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare.  Not bad, but broad
+satiric vistas do not open up.
+		-- John Carrol, The San Francisco Chronicle
+%
+	Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled
+with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John
+Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't
+define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it.  So for a while, the
+court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
+Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over.  "Nope, this isn't
+it," he'd say.  "Bring some more."  This went on until one morning when
+his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
+enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
+ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
+that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
+it because the court was going to take a nap.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+	"How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary
+of her blonde companion.
+	"Fishing through the ice," she replied.
+	"Fishing through the ice?   Whatever for?"
+	"Olives."
+%
+	"How many people work here?"
+	"Oh, about half."
+%
+	How many seconds are there in a year?  If I tell you there  are
+3.155  x  10^7, you won't even try to remember it.  On the other hand, who
+could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury.
+		-- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
+%
+	"How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy
+social climber said to her roommate.  "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
+full of money before."
+%
+	"How'd you get that flat?"
+	"Ran over a bottle."
+	"Didn't you see it?"
+	"Damn kid had it under his coat."
+%
+	"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
+the phone.  "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
+	"Who was that?" his young wife asked.
+	"Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
+%
+	"I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
+quavering voice.
+	"No," said GoodGulf, "but I can.  The letters are Elvish, of
+course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
+I will not utter here.  They are lines of a verse long known in
+Elven-lore:
+
+	"This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
+	Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
+	Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
+	This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
+	The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
+	The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
+	If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
+	If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
+		-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
+%
+	I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is
+the sky blue?"
+	HE asked me about black holes in space.
+	(There's a hole *where*?)
+
+	I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?"
+	HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains.
+	(Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...)
+
+	I talked about Choo-Choo trains.
+	HE talked internal combustion engines.
+	(The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.")
+
+	I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete
+as equals.
+	HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create
+the graphics.
+
+	Then puberty struck.  Ah, adolescence.
+	HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women."
+	(Gotcha!)
+		-- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child"
+%
+	I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we
+use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to
+violence.  What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic,
+is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think
+of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call
+each other up:
+     You: Hello?  Bob?
+     Bob: Yes?
+     You: This is Ed.  Remember?  The person whose parking space you
+          took last Thursday?  Outside of Sears?
+     Bob: Oh yes!  Sure!  How are you, Ed?
+     You: Fine, thanks.  Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
+	  "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..."  No, wait.
+	  I mean:  "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
+	  and ..."  No, wait.  (Sound of reference book thudding onto
+	  the floor.)  S-word.  Excuse me.  Look, Bob, I'm going to
+	  have to get back to you.
+     Bob: Fine.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+	"I don't know what you mean by 'glory'," Alice said.
+	Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously.  "Of course you don't --
+till I tell you.  I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'"
+	"But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument'," Alice
+objected.
+	"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
+tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less."
+	"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
+so many different things."
+	"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master --
+that's all."
+%
+	I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
+accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service.  For
+the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
+can't be measured in monetary terms.
+	Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to
+have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything:  "I came
+by subway."  Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot
+should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
+understand his long delay.
+%
+	"I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me.
+I think very probably he might be cured."
+	"That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob.
+	"His brain is affected," said the blind doctor.
+	The elders murmured assent.
+	"Now, what affects it?"
+	"Ah!" said old Yacob.
+	"This," said the doctor, answering his own question.  "Those queer
+things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft
+depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way
+as to affect his brain.  They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and
+his eyelids move, and cosequently his brain is in a state of constant
+irritation and distraction."
+	"Yes?" said old Yacob.  "Yes?"
+	"And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order
+to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical
+operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies."
+	"And then he will be sane?"
+	"Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen."
+	"Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob.
+		-- H.G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind"
+%
+	I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments
+of others, and all positive assertion of my own.  I even forbade myself the use
+of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such
+as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc.   I adopted instead of them "I conceive",
+"I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me
+at present".
+	When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied
+myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him
+immediately some absurdity in his proposition.  In answering I began by
+observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right,
+but in the present case there appeared or semed to me some difference, etc.
+	I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the
+conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly.  The modest way in which I
+proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.
+I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily
+prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I
+happened to be in the right.
+		-- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
+%
+	I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more.  I knew that he disliked
+me to cry.
+	This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better
+to weep."
+	I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come
+back; I would be nice."
+	Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always."
+	"Oh, not enough."
+	"Nobody can give anybody enough."
+	"Not ever?"
+	"No, not ever.  But one must go on trying."
+	"And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?"
+	"Rarely," said Francis.  I went on weeping; I saw how little I had
+valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine.
+		-- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs"
+%
+	I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and
+asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics.  He politely obliged.
+That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten
+over the same month for the previous year.  The precinct had made two
+arrests.
+	"Not a very impressive record," I offered.
+	"Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me.  "You know what
+these complaints represent?"
+	"What do they represent?" I asked.
+	"Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly,
+closing the book.
+		-- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will"
+%
+	[I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path,
+including beets, rutabegas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams,
+as I am absolutely terrified of yams...
+	Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many
+of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands
+and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow.
+My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence,
+when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers
+into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields,
+pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving
+into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may
+explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians!  Hide the eggs!" every
+time I have pork.  But I digress.  The fact remains that I cannot rationally
+deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists.
+%
+	I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
+"What'll you have, Bud"?
+	I said," I don't know, surprise me".
+	So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
+		-- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+	If I kiss you, that is an psychological interaction.
+	On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
+that is also a psychological interaction.
+	The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
+so friendly.
+	The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
+		-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
+%
+	If the tao is great, then the operating system is great.  If the
+operating system is great, then the compiler is great.  If the compiler
+is great, then the application is great.  If the application is great, then
+the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world.
+	The tao gave birth to machine language.  Machine language gave birth
+to the assembler.
+	The assembler gave birth to the compiler.  Now there are ten thousand
+languages.
+	Each language has its purpose, however humble.  Each language
+expresses the yin and yang of software.  Each language has its place within
+the tao.
+	But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it.
+%
+	If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of
+everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then
+we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf.
+	Both those things sound pretty good to me.
+		-- Sparky Anderson
+%
+	If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you
+brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled-
+up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and
+repeat the sequence. 
+	You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to
+hit that window jamb, that door, that chair.  Get back on course and do it
+again.  How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around
+your own apartment?
+		-- William S. Burroughs
+%
+	"I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided.  "The pin I'm wearing
+means I'm a member of the IA.  That's Inamorati Anonymous.  An inamorato is
+somebody in love.  That's the worst addiction of all."
+	"Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with
+them, or something?"
+	"Right.  The whole idea is to get where you don't need it.  I was
+lucky.  I kicked it young.  But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or
+not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming."
+	"You hold meetings, then, like the AA?"
+	"No, of course not.  You get a phone number, an answering service
+you can call.  Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case
+it gets so bad you can't handle it alone.  We're isolates, Arnold.  Meetings
+would destroy the whole point of it."
+		-- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"
+%
+	"I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
+young man to his father as he prepared to leave home.  "Don't try to stop me.
+I'm on my way."
+	"Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father.  "Take me along!"
+%
+	I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the
+right manual yet.  I've been working my way through the manuals in the document
+library and I'm half way through the second cabnet, (3 shelves to go), so I
+should find what I'm looking for by mid May.  I hope I can remember what it
+was by the time I find it.
+	I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe
+"The Paper Chase : IBM vs. DEC".  It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except
+that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder
+pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left
+blank."
+		-- Alex Crain
+%
+	In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
+Junior, what are you up to?"
+	"I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
+rabbit.
+	"Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!  No one
+will publish such rubbish!"
+	"Well, follow me and I'll show you."
+	They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the
+rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.  Comes along a
+wolf.  "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?"
+	"I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour
+wolves."
+	"Are you crazy?  Where's your academic honesty?"
+	"Come with me and I'll show you."
+	As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face
+and a diploma in his paw.  Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave
+and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge
+lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody
+remnants of the wolf and the fox.
+
+	The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are
+important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
+%
+	In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to
+his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's
+kill all the lawyers."  That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment
+was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc.
+Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News,
+Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess
+of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts.  Lawyers
+and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure
+out how the pie gets divided.  Neither profession provides any added value
+to product."
+	According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has
+10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population.  The U.S. has 200
+lawyers and 700 accountants.  This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of
+pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack."  Could Dick Butcher have
+been an efficiency expert?
+		-- Motor Trend, May 1983
+%
+	In the begining, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
+mud."
+	And there was mud.
+	And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
+can see what we have done."
+	And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
+man.  Mud-as-man alone could speak.
+	"What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
+	"Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
+	"Certainly," said man.
+	"Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
+	And He went away.
+		-- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu"
+%
+	In the beginning there was data.  The data was without form and
+null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of
+IBM was moving over the face of the market.  And DEC said, "Let there
+be registers"; and there were registers.  And DEC saw that they
+carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions.  DEC called
+the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code.  And there was
+evening and there was morning, one interrupt.
+		-- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk"
+%
+	In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
+the Great Mathamatical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist.  And they grew to
+large numbers and prospered.
+	One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
+as the eye could see.  So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that
+was to reach up as far as "up" went.  Further and further up they went ...
+until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox.
+	The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge
+structure reaching to the heavens.  One by one, the Mathematicians climbed
+out from under the rubble.  It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when
+they began to speak to one another, SUPRISE of all suprises! they could not
+understand each other.  They all spoke different languages.  They all fought
+amongst themselves and each went about their own way.  To this day the
+Topologists remain the original Mathematicians.
+		-- The Story of Babel
+%
+	In the beginning was the Tao.  The Tao gave birth to Space and Time.
+Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming.
+
+	Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of
+time and space for their programs.  Programmers that comprehend the Tao always
+have enough time and space to accomplish their goals.
+	How could it be otherwise?
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
+sat hacking at the PDP-6.
+	"What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
+	"I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
+	"Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky.
+	"I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play".
+	At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
+you close your eyes?"
+	"So that the room will be empty."
+	At that momment, Sussman was enlightened.
+%
+	In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish.  It
+changes into a bird whose winds are like clouds filling the sky.  When this
+bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters.
+This message it drops into the midst of the program mers, like a seagull
+making its mark upon the beach.  Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with
+the blue sky at its back, returns home.
+	The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands
+it not.  The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears
+its message.  The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he
+does not know that the bird has come and gone.
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads
+	In the evening, floating in the soup.
+(chorus):
+Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads;
+Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!
+	You can ask them anything you want to.
+	They won't answer; they can't talk.
+(chorus):
+	I took a fish head out to see a movie,
+	Didn't have to pay to get it in.
+(chorus):
+	They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
+	They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
+(chorus):
+	Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in
+	Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
+(chorus):
+	Fishy!
+(chorus):
+		-- Fish Heads
+%
+	"In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa
+to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to
+like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely
+baroque feel to a continent.  And they tell me it's not equatorial enough.
+Equatorial!"  He gave a hollow laugh.  "What does it matter?  Science has
+achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than
+right any day."
+	"And are you?"
+	"No.  That's where it all falls down, of course."
+	"Pity," said Arthur with sympathy.  "It sounded like quite a good
+life-style otherwise."
+		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+	In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
+announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency.  During His press conference
+today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
+a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
+in time.  I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
+around!  Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
+those annoying mountains and rivers.  I never could stand them!"
+	There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
+citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency.  God replied to
+these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
+than a citizen bless their country?"
+%
+	Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
+what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
+may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.  Conversely, if
+not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible
+benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body,
+I ask this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be,
+in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit.  I ask this in my
+capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may
+not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your
+receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and
+which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
+	Amen.
+%
+	It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself
+working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates.  One slow day, he
+found that he had time to chat with the new entrants.  To the first one
+he asked, "What's your IQ?"  The new arrival replied, "190".  They
+discussed Einstein's theory of relativity for hours.  When the second
+new arrival came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's
+IQ.  The answer this time came "120".  To which Einstein replied, "Tell
+me, how did the Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half
+an hour or so.  To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the
+question, "What's your IQ?".  Upon receiving the answer "70",
+Einstein smiled and replied, "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
+%
+	It is a period of system war.  User programs, striking from a hidden
+directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire.
+During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the
+Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with
+enough power to destroy an entire file structure.  Pursued by the Empire's
+sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script,
+custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore
+freedom and games to the network...
+		-- DECWARS
+%
+	It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
+by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
+the habit of thinking about what we are doing.  The precise opposite is the
+case.  Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
+which we can perform without thinking about them.  Operations of thought are
+like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
+require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
+		-- Alfred North Whitehead
+%
+	It is always preferable to visit home with a friend.  Your parents will
+not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
+because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
+human beings.
+	The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
+there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the 
+duration of the visit but forever.  The worst kind of girl to take home is one
+of a different religion:  Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
+you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
+and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.
+	Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like
+to take her home for the holidays.  You are aware of your parents' xenophobic
+response to anyone of a different religion.  How to prepare them for the shock?
+	Simple.  Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
+have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
+different race and the same sex.  Tell them you have already invited this
+person to meet them.  Give the information a moment to sink in and then 
+remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
+religion.  They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
+		-- Playboy, January, 1983
+%
+	It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships
+for a few years.  He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences
+change over fairly often, and he's got a good life.   The only problem is the
+ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year
+after year.  Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and
+starts giving it away for the audience.  For example, when the magician makes
+a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back!  Behind
+his back!"  Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much
+he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the
+passengers.
+	One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without
+a trace.  Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the
+parrot.  For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging
+to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end.
+As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to
+the magician's end of the log.  With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps
+"OK, you win, I give up.  Where did you hide the ship?"
+%
+	It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air
+balloon to cross the United States.  After forty hours in the air, George
+turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course!  We
+need to find out where we are."
+	Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the
+cloud cover.  Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man
+standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me!  Can you please tell me
+where we are?"
+	The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately
+fifty feet in the air!"
+	George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer".
+	Replies Harry, "How can you tell?".
+	"Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
+useless!"
+
+That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
+George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
+New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
+%
+	It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,
+everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
+was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
+cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
+	There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
+really needed in the first place.
+	I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
+analogous to the above.
+		-- K.E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
+%
+	It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
+laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers.  The
+thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
+nursing a whopper.  Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
+for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
+	Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
+under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
+icepacks.
+		-- "Bored of the Rings", The Harvard Lampoon
+%
+	Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has
+been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade.
+	"Why me?"  whines the boy.  "Three years ago I carried the flag
+when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was
+Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin.  Why is
+it always me, teacher?"
+	"Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher
+explains.
+
+		-- being told in Poland, 1987
+%
+	Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
+her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.  She wore a bathing suit
+the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
+way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.  She'd hardly
+begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
+stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
+	"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
+the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.  "The Hilton doesn't
+mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
+wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
+	"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.  "No one
+can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
+	"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man.  "You're lying on
+the dining room skylight."
+%
+	Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
+lived with was made up of idiots.  Remember?  One of them was always
+getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
+the farmhouse to alert the other ones.  She'd whimper and tug at their
+sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
+you think something's wrong?  Do you think she wants us to follow her?
+What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
+of every week.  What with all the time these people spent pinned under
+the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever.
+They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the
+applications for.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+	Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and
+tries to hide behind a beard.  No good.  There are still too many people
+and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking.  He moves to the
+outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap,
+caretaker included.  He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants,
+day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored.
+	Nobody's cut the grass in months.  What's happened to that caretaker?
+What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are
+start to get curious.  A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper.
+Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared.  The senior
+class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a
+movie one night and stays out.  The town's up in arms, but just before the
+police take action, the kids turn up.  They've found a purpose.  They go
+home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going
+now.  They're in a band.
+		-- Ira Kaplan
+%
+	Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is.
+Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back?  Eh?
+	Ho, ho!  Don't I wish!  What do you think every electrofreak
+dreams about?  You're such an old fuddyduddy!  A-and who sez it's a
+dream, huh?  M-maybe it exists.  Maybe there is a Machine to take us
+away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of
+the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the
+other souls it's got stored there.  It could decide who it would suck
+out, a-and when.  Dope never gave you immortality.  You hadda come
+back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat!  But We can live
+forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld.
+		-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
+%
+	Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
+character named Jack.  Jack and his relations were poor.  Often their
+hash table was bare.  One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
+are sparse.  You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
+BASICs."  She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
+to him.
+	So Jack set out.  But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
+he met the traveling salesman.
+	"Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
+in high-level language.
+	"I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
+and Apples," commented Jack.
+	"I have a much better algorithm.  You needn't join a queue
+there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
+	Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house.  But when
+he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
+started thrashing.
+	"Don't you even have any artificial intelligence?  All these
+kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
+window...
+		-- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack"
+%
+	Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode
+into the saloon.  As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
+galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'!  Run fer yer lives!"
+	Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open.  An enormous man, standing over
+eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a
+rattlesnake for a whip.  Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over
+the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
+	The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
+guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar.  He then stood aghast as
+the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
+smacked his lips with relish.
+	"Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
+	"Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted.  "Big Mike's
+a-comin'."
+%
+	Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do,
+and how to be, I learned in kindergarten.  Wisdom was not at the top of the
+graduate school mountain but there in the sandbox at nursery school.
+	These are the things I learned:  Share everything.  Play fair.  Don't
+hit people.  Put things back where you found them.  Clean up your own mess.
+Don't take things that aren't yours.   Say you're sorry when you hurt someone.
+Wash your hands before you eat.  Flush.  Warm cookies and cold milk are good
+for you.  Live a balanced life.  Learn some and think some and draw and paint
+and sing and dance and play and work some every day.
+	Take a nap every afternoon.  When you go out into the world, watch for
+traffic, hold hands, and stick together.  Be aware of wonder.  Remember the
+little seed in the plastic cup.   The roots go down and the plant goes up and
+nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.  Goldfish and
+hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup -- they all
+die.  So do we.
+	And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you
+learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK.  Everything you need to know is in
+there somewhere.  The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation.  Ecology and
+politics and sane living.
+	Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole world
+-- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with
+our blankets for a nap.  Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other
+nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned up our own
+messes.  And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into
+the world it is best to hold hands and stick together.
+		-- Robert Fulghum, "All I ever really needed to know I learned
+		   in kindergarten"
+%
+	Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to
+do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten.  Wisdom  was not at the top
+of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school.
+	These are the things I learned:  Share everything.  Play fair.
+Don't hit people.  Put things back where you found them.  Clean up your
+own mess.  Don't take things that aren't yours.  Say you're sorry when you
+hurt someone.  Wash your hands before you eat.  Flush.  Warm cookies and
+cold milk are good for you.  Live a balanced life.  Learn some and think
+some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day
+some.
+	Take a nap every afternoon.  When you go out into the world, watch
+for traffic, hold hands, and stick together.  Be aware of wonder.  Remember
+the little seed in the plastic cup.  The roots go down and the plant goes
+up and nobody really knows why, but we are all like that.
+[...]
+	Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole
+world -- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay
+down with our blankets for a nap.   Or if we had a basic policy in our nation
+and other nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned
+up our own messes.  And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when
+you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.
+		-- Robert Flughum
+%
+	Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice.  "Just think of all the
+people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son."
+	Laughingly I felled her with a right cross.
+		-- Spike Milligan
+%
+	Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly 
+approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
+	"Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
+to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?  
+All I have in the world is this gun."
+%
+	Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada
+Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan.  The
+company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
+defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
+	The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
+plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per
+cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately."
+		-- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
+%
+	Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile.
+Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures.  One day,
+without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation.  In
+an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to
+prison.
+	They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports
+in their hotel room.  For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get
+them to name their contacts in the liberation movement...  Finally they're
+hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced
+to death.
+	The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll
+be shot.  The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have
+any last requests.  Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in
+Chicago.  The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to
+Murray.
+	"This is crazy!" Murray shouts.  "We're not spies!"  And he
+spits in the sergeants face.
+	"Murray!" Esther cries.  "Please!  Don't make trouble."
+		-- Arthur Naiman
+%
+	My friends, I am here to tell you of the wonderous continent known as
+Africa.  Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31.
+We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
+Africa.  Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule:  Up at
+6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00.  Pretty soon we were back in bed by
+6:30.  Now Africa is full of big game.  The first day I shot two bucks.  That
+was the biggest game we had.  Africa is primerally inhabited by Elks, Moose
+and Knights of Pithiests.
+	The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
+annual conventions.  And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
+which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water.  They
+weren't looking for a water hole.  They were looking for an alck hole.
+	One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my
+pajamas, I don't know.  Then we tried to remove the tusks.  That's a tough
+word to say, tusks.  As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were
+imbedded so firmly we couldn't get them out.  But in Alabama the Tusks are
+looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
+	We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
+So we're going back in a few years...
+		-- Julius H. Marx
+%
+	My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or
+even that they were always wrong.  Rather, I believe that science must be
+understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of
+robots programmed to collect pure information.  I also present this view as
+an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on
+the alter of human limitations.
+	I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often
+in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it.  Galileo was not shown
+the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion.  He had
+threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal
+stability:  the static world order with planets circling about a central
+earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord.  But the
+Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology.  They had no choice; the
+earth really does revolve about the sun.
+		-- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
+%
+	"My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
+a girl should not do before twenty."
+	"Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
+audience, either."
+%
+	n = ((n >>  1) & 0x55555555) | ((n <<  1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
+	n = ((n >>  2) & 0x33333333) | ((n <<  2) & 0xcccccccc);
+	n = ((n >>  4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n <<  4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
+	n = ((n >>  8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n <<  8) & 0xff00ff00);
+	n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
+
+-- Reverse the bits in a word.
+%
+	Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
+you.  He doesn't know.  Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
+oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you.  She doesn't know.  Never ask how many
+cigarettes your lover has smoked today.  Cancer is a personal committment.
+	Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
+the ones who dived in front of trains.  If you look like one of them, you are
+repeating history's mistakes.  If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
+in the others.
+	While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
+of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui.  Don't ask who took
+it.  The answer is obvious.  A Japanese tourist took the picture.
+	Never ask if your lover has had therapy.  Only people who have had
+therapy ask if people have had therapy.
+	Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
+Assume that she bought them at a flea  market.
+		-- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
+%
+	NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of
+directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip
+Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the
+offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the
+true value of the company.
+	Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story.
+Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover
+agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of
+their major Middle East subsidiaries.  To a person, the board voted to
+reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to
+reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of
+Nazareth.
+%
+	"No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so
+simple, really.  "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now.  You just can't
+hold people, you can't own them.  I mean it's only natural, a natural process
+really.  Meet.  Love.  Part.  Life goes on.  There was never any reason to
+expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know."  There were
+those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated.  "I don't hold a grudge.  I
+can't."
+	"You do," Grandfather Trout said.  "And you don't understand."
+		-- Little, Big, "John Crowley"
+%
+	Now she speaks rapidly.  "Do you know *why* you want to program?"
+	He shakes his head.  He hasn't the faintest idea.
+	"For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.  
+"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman.  "You take a program, 
+born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution.  You nurture the 
+program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever 
+stronger.  Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here, 
+a keystroke changed there."  She sweeps her arm in a wide arc.  "And other
+times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very 
+*essence*, then beginning anew.  But always building, creating, filling the 
+program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances.  Watching 
+the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can 
+stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect.  This is the programmer's finest
+hour!"  Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march. 
+"This ... this is your canvas! your clay!  Go forth and create a masterwork!"
+%
+	Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something
+to be avoided than harped upon.
+	Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being
+reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might
+just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something
+about helping to postpone this reunion.
+		-- Douglas Adams
+%
+	"Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out
+of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on
+urban crime.  Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will
+put you through to our central base in Atlanta.  Go ahead, call -- they'll
+confirm who I am.
+	"Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it."
+		-- Captain Freedom
+%
+	Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
+demolished an automobile and it's occupants. Being the chief witness, his
+testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
+and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
+no attention to the signal.
+	The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
+complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
+"I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
+	"No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
+lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
+%
+	On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
+receipts of $65.  The next day his take was $67.  The third day's
+income was $62.  But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
+$283 on the desk before the cashier.
+	"Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier.  "This is fantastic.  That
+route never brought in money like this!  What happened?"
+	"Well, after three days on that cockamamy route, I figured
+business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
+worked there.  I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
+%
+	On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
+around for a present for his wife.  He knew what she wanted, a
+grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one
+almost impossible to find.  Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe
+found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver.  Joe,
+desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and
+staggered out onto the sidewalk.  On the way home, he passed a bar.
+Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe,
+sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter.  Murphy's law
+being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
+	"You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the
+wreckage.  "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
+	With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
+dusted himself off.  "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
+normal person?"
+%
+	On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum 
+to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.  
+There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning 
+alive.  "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't 
+dead yet.  I can see her lips moving.  Go quickly and find out what she is 
+saying."
+	The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
+the flames as he dared, and listened intently.  Then he turned and ran back
+to the imperial box.  "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
+singing."
+	"Singing?" said the astounded emperor.  "Singing what?"
+	"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
+%
+	On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people.
+There are lots of phrases.  My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale
+is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright,
+non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do
+several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works
+best, write it down and make that the standard.
+	The OSI view is entirely opposite.  You take written contributions
+from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of
+committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all
+with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get
+something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once.
+	So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well,
+then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write
+it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it
+after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is
+committed to it.  One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think
+it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which.
+		-- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI"
+%
+	On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick
+tomatoes.  Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August
+they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks.  So I picked up one and threw
+it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato
+at my brother.  He whipped one back at me.  We ducked down by the vines,
+heaving tomatoes at each other.  My sister, who was a good person, said,
+"You're going to get it."  She bent over and kept on picking.
+	What a target!  She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over,
+she looked like the side of a barn.
+	I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground.  It looked like it
+had sat there a week.  The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it,
+and it was very juicy.  I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup,
+when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice.  I had
+to decide quickly.  I decided.
+	A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat
+man doing a belly-flop.  With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after
+faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain
+me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice.  And my sister, who was a
+good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears.  I guess she knew that
+the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing
+a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end.
+		-- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
+%
+	Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very
+special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old
+traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall.  We
+traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we
+see a shopper emerge from the mall.  Then we follow her, in very much the same
+spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after
+week, until it led them to a parking space.
+	We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to
+let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us.  Sometimes, two cars
+will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way
+great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler.  So, we follow
+our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning
+to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car,
+which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall.  Sometimes our
+shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and
+go back to shopping.  But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion
+and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot
+		   Skirmish"
+%
+	Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great
+crystal river.  Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs
+and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and
+resisting the current what each had learned from birth.  But one creature
+said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going.  I shall
+let go, and let it take me where it will.  Clinging, I shall die of boredom."
+	The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool!  Let go, and that current
+you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will
+die quicker than boredom!"
+	But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at
+once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.  Yet, in time,
+as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the
+bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
+	And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See
+a miracle!  A creature like ourselves, yet he flies!  See the Messiah, come
+to save us all!"  And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more
+Messiah than you.  The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
+Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.
+	But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the
+rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
+		-- Richard Bach
+%
+	Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his
+time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea.  One day,
+in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make
+dolphins live forever!
+	Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass
+produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was
+only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird.  Carried
+away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and
+steal one of these birds.
+	Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was
+escaping from its cage.  The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began
+combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down
+on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.
+	Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his
+bird.  He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he
+stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his
+car.  Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for
+transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
+%
+	Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll 
+through the woods.  All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated 
+on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her.  "Maiden," croaked the
+frog, "would you do me a favor?  This will be hard for you to believe, but
+I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
+a spell over me and turned me into a frog."
+	"Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl.  "I'll do anything I can to
+help you break such a spell."
+	"Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be
+taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend
+the night under her pillow."
+	The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her
+pillow that night when she retired.  When she awoke the next morning, sure
+enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of
+royal blood.  And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day
+her father and mother still don't believe her story.
+%
+	Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river.
+One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the
+biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught.  He fought with it for hours,
+until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface.  Looking of the edge
+of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface.  Smiling
+with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up.  Unfortunately, he
+accidently caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
+snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud
+"sploosh!"  Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
+simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch.  Sadly, the
+fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home.
+	Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a
+boring assembly-line job in a large city.  He worked in a fish-processing
+plant.  It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their
+heads, readying them for the next phase in processing.  This monotonous task
+went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being
+his entire world, day after day, week after weary week.  Well, one day, as he
+was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on
+the line looked very familiar.  Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish
+he had lost on that day so many years ago?  He trembled with anticipation as
+his cleaver came down.  IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD!  IT WAS HIS THUMB!
+%
+	Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity
+to experience an elephant for the first time.  One approached the elephant,
+and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is
+like a tree."  The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant
+is like a strong hose."  The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool!  An elephant
+is like a rope!"  The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan."
+And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like
+a wall."  The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate
+perception of the elephant.
+	The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and
+attacked the men.  He continued to trample them until they were nothing but
+bloody lumps of flesh.  Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just
+goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions.  When I first saw
+them I didn't think they they'd be any fun at all."
+%
+	Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights
+in a certain kingdom.  And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom
+who was of marriageable age.  Well, one day, in full armour, their horses,
+and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could
+win her hand.  The road was long and there were many obstacles along the
+way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross.  As they coped with
+each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page.  He was
+not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was,
+in short, a complete flop.  When they arrived at the court of the kingdom,
+they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some
+treasure.  The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not
+thought of this and were unprepared.  The youngest, however, had the
+answer:  Promise her anything, but give her our page.
+%
+	Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
+of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
+complexities.  Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
+obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
+	Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
+available to anyone.
+		-- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"
+%
+	One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make
+a better garbage collector.  We must keep a reference count of the pointers
+to each cons."
+	Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a
+student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage
+collector..."
+%
+	One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached
+an enlightened state.  Much impressed by this news, several of his peers
+went to speak with him.
+	"We have heard that you are enlightened.  Is this true?" his fellow
+students inquired.
+	"It is", Kyogen answered.
+	"Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?"
+	"As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen.
+%
+	One evening he spoke.  Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her,
+he allowed his soul to be heard.  "My darling, anything you wish, anything
+I am, anything I can ever be...  That's what I want to offer you -- not the
+things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get
+them.  That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it --
+so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for
+you."
+	The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie
+Kelly?"
+	He got up.  He said nothing and walked out of the house.  He never
+saw that girl again.  Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a
+lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed.
+		-- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"
+%
+	One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
+and drove off along the route.  No problems for the first few stops -- a few
+people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.  At the next
+stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.  Six feet eight, built like a
+wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.  He glared at the driver and said,
+"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
+	Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
+meek?  Well, he was.  Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
+happy about it.  Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
+again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down.  And the next day, and the
+one after that, and so forth.  This grated on the bus driver, who started
+losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.  Finally he
+could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
+and all that good stuff.  By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
+what's more, he felt really good about himself.
+	So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
+and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
+passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
+	With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a
+bus pass."
+%
+	One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead.  He
+directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went...
+	"Change course 10 degrees South."
+	The reply was quickly flashed back...
+	"You change course 10 degrees North."
+	The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further
+message.....
+	"I am a captain.  Change course 10 degrees South."
+	Back came the reply...
+	"I am an able-seaman.  Change course 10 degrees North."
+	The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....
+"I am a 240,000 tonne tanker.  CHANGE course 10 degrees South!"
+	Back came the reply...
+	"I am a LIGHTHOUSE.  Change course 10 degrees North!!!!"
+		-- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course"
+%
+	One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic
+is our support for UNIX?
+	Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago.
+Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our
+VAXs are going for UNIX use.  UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand,
+easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual
+users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines.
+And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it.  We have
+good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
+	It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run
+out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end
+up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
+	With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly
+check that small manual and find out that it's not there.  With VMS, no matter
+what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if
+you look long enough it's there.  That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX
+is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there.
+		-- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984
+[It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken
+Olsen's brain.  Ed.]
+%
+	page 46
+...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai
+Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used
+to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative.  "The group
+on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers,
+"had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were
+on placebo."
+	page 56
+The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body.
+Illness is always an interaction between both.  It can begin in the mind and
+affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of
+which are served by the same bloodstream.  Attempts to treat most mental
+diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts
+to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must
+be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human
+body functions.
+		-- Norman Cousins,
+		"Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient"
+%
+	Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices.  No one else in
+town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
+	During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm.  He
+stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an agressive Rhode
+Island Red hopped on top.  Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
+a Tory!"
+	A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
+loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs.  On Friday morning her
+husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?"
+	A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
+Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
+never reveal our sauce."
+	A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job.  He
+kept favoring curry.
+	A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong
+game.  They had the volley of the Dills.
+%
+	People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty,
+these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female
+persuasion.
+	"Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but
+misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good
+swift smack.  We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension,
+respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank.  It is troubling
+enough to get straight who is really what.  Those who deliberately misuse
+the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it.
+	A woman is any grown-up female person.  A girl is the un-grown-up
+version.  If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a
+"woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be
+able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall.  However, if you
+call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a
+youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match.
+%
+	"Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head,
+sounding a bit worried.
+	"Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for
+is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money."
+	"I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee
+said quickly.
+	"That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations,"
+Cobb said, hopping out.
+		-- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
+%
+	Phases of a Project:
+(1)	Exultation.
+(2)	Disenchantment.
+(3)	Confusion.
+(4)	Search for the Guilty.
+(5)	Punishment for the Innocent.
+(6)	Distinction for the Uninvolved.
+%
+	Price Wang's programmer was coding software.  His fingers danced upon
+the keyboard.  The program compiled without an error message, and the program
+ran like a gentle wind.
+	Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!"
+	"Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I
+follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique.  When I first began to program I
+would see before me the whole program in one mass.  After three years I no
+longer saw this mass.  Instead, I used subroutines.  But now I see nothing.
+My whole being exists in a formless void.  My senses are idle.  My spirit,
+free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct.  In short, my program
+writes itself.  True, sometimes there are difficult problems.  I see them
+coming, I slow down, I watch silently.  Then I change a single line of code
+and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke.  I then compile the
+program.  I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being.  I close my
+eyes for a moment and then log off."
+	Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!"
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised.  "We're back in the
+universe again..."  An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't
+know which part.  We seem to have changed our position in space."  A
+spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
+starfield surrounding the ship.
+	"Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us,"
+ZORAC announced after a short pause.  "The designs are not familiar, but
+they are obviously the products of intelligence.  Implications: we have
+been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown,
+and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
+Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
+		-- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
+%
+	Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him
+Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed,
+and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell
+every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about
+getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console
+me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under.
+	Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem
+to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that.
+No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or
+maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland...  On
+the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as
+whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last
+possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car.
+		-- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
+%
+	"Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing
+what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt
+somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..."
+	"He was going to suck my blood!"
+	"Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt
+if they don't live our way."
+...
+	"The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that
+happens to be impossible.  The phrase is hurt somebody else.  We choose,
+ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what.  Us who decides.
+Nobody else.  My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him?  That's
+his decision to be hurt, that's his choice.  What you do about it is your
+decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake
+through his heart.  If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist,
+in whatever way he wants.  It goes on and on, choices, choices."
+	"When you look at it that way..."
+	"Listen," he said, "it's important.  We are all.  Free.  To do.
+Whatever.  We want.  To do."
+		-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
+%
+	Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,
+uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the
+rational functions needed to represent the integrand.  Although the
+algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure
+of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot
+claim that the algorithm is a natural one.  In fact, the creator of
+differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's,
+largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work.  Probably
+he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as
+well.
+		-- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J.F. Traub
+%
+	Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that
+their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere,
+generous person.  "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy.
+
+	Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964
+Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself
+shaking hands with a well-known labor leader.
+	"There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the
+advertising men in charge of his campaign.
+	"What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman.
+	"That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy.
+		-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
+%
+	SAFETY
+I can live without
+Someone I love
+But not without
+Someone I need.
+%
+	Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants.
+"I can't stand elephants," he explained.  "I lie awake nights despising
+them.  The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing."
+	"Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.  
+Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
+That way you'll get it out of your system."
+	Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
+inviting his best friend to join him.   They arrived in Nairobi and lost no
+time getting out on the jungle trails.  After they had been hunting for
+several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
+yelled at him:
+	"Sam, Sam, Sam!  Over there behind that tree there's and elephant!
+Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer 
+barrel!  Now aim it!  QUICK!  SAM!  QUICK!  No!  Not that way -- this way!
+Be sure you don't jerk the trigger!  Wait SAM!  Don't let him see you!  Aim
+at his head!"
+	Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend.  He was put in
+prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him.  "I sent you over
+here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the 
+psychiatrist said.  "Why?"
+	"Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
+hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
+%
+	Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday
+afternoon.  Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near
+the edge of the fairway.  Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a
+long funeral procession going past on a nearby street.  Reverently, George
+removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed.
+Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth.
+Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George.  "Say, that was a
+nice gesture you made today, George.
+	"What do you mean?" asked George.
+	"Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand
+respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.
+	"Oh, yes," said George.  "Well, we were married 17 years, you
+know."
+%
+	"Seven years and six months!"  Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully.
+"An uncomfortable sort of age.  Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have
+said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
+	"I never ask advice about growing,"  Alice said indignantly.
+	"Too proud?"  the other enquired.
+	Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion.  "I mean,"
+she said, "that one can't help growing older."
+	"ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can.  With
+proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
+		-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass"
+%
+	Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime.
+	The first student to try to do this was a math student.  "Hmmm...
+Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all
+the odd integers are prime."
+	The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not
+sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by
+experiment."  He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is
+prime, 9 is...  uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13
+is prime...  Well, it seems that you're right."
+	The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded,
+"Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either.  Let's
+see...  1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is...
+well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime...  Well, it
+does seem right."
+	Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
+"Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long!
+I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it."  He goes over to
+his terminal and runs his program.  Reading the output on the screen he says,
+"1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..."
+%
+	"Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart."
+	"Oh, yeah?  What's he look like?"
+	"Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and
+paper boots."
+	"What's he wanted for?"
+	"Rustling."
+%
+	Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the
+Vulgate Bible.  Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull
+automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration
+in the text.  This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible.
+He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press.  Yet the
+published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps
+had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy.  The result
+provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and
+Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of
+every copy.
+%
+	So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].  With
+a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to maneuver
+the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of corner of the
+lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to flop up onto the land
+and evolve.  Richard and I were inching toward it, sort of crouched over,
+when all of a sudden it turned around and -- I can still remember the
+sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in the armpit area -- headed
+right straight toward us.
+	Many people would have panicked at this point.  But Richard and I
+were not "many people."  We were experienced waders, and we kept our heads.
+We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're unarmed and
+a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water up to your lower
+calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the opposite direction, using
+a sprinting style such that the bottoms of our feet never once went below
+the surface of the water.  We ran all the way to the far shore, and if we
+had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach,
+and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island
+until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
+%
+	So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].
+With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to
+maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of
+corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to
+flop up onto the land and evolve.  Richard and I were inching toward
+it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and --
+I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in
+the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us.
+	Many people would have panicked at this point.  But Richard and
+I were not "many people."  We were experienced waders, and we kept our
+heads.  We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're
+unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water
+up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the
+opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of
+our feet never once went below the surface of the water.  We ran all
+the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers
+cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen
+these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked
+into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
+%
+	Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a
+haven of tranquility in troubled times.  It's a good town, a civilized town.
+A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday.  Let
+the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath.  We have known the
+stolid but steady Killebrew.  Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini
+may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka
+Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer.  The loss is
+theirs.  And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut
+butter on lefse.  Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm
+disease and the number one crime is overtime parking.  We boast more theater
+per capita than the Big Apple.  We go to see, not to be seen.  We go even
+when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there.  Indeed
+the winters are fierce.  But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer.
+People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so
+much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka.
+Here's to the Minneapple.  And to its people.  Our flair for style is balanced
+by a healthy respect for wind chill factors.
+	And we always, always eat our vegetables.
+	This is the Minneapple.
+%
+	Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void.  Waiting
+alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion.  It is
+the source of all programs.  I do not know its name, so I will call it the
+Tao of Programming.
+	If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great.  If the
+operating system is great, then the compiler is great.  If the compiler is
+greater, then the applications is great.  The user is pleased and there is
+harmony in the world.
+	The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of
+morning.
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees
+on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert
+Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of
+employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of
+farmers in America."
+		-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
+%
+	"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
+Machineries of Joy?  That is, did not God promote environments, then
+intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and
+women, such as are we all?  And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with
+good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's
+Machineries of Joy?"
+	"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
+		-- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
+%
+	Split		1/4 bottle	.187 liters
+	Half		1/2 bottle
+	Bottle		750 milliliters
+	Magnum		2 bottles	1.5 liters
+	Jeroboam	4 bottles
+	Rehoboam	6 bottles	Not available in the US
+	Methuselah	8 bottles
+	Salmanazar	12 bottles
+	Balthazar	16 bottles
+	Nebuchadnezzar	20 bottles	15 liters
+	Sovereign	34 bottles	26 liters
+
+	The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the
+largest cruise ship in the world.  The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars
+to produce and they only made 8 of them.
+	Most of the funny names come from Biblical people.
+%
+	Stop!  Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first
+these questions three, ere the other side he see!
+
+	"What is your name?"
+	"Sir Brian of Bell."
+	"What is your quest?"
+	"I seek the Holy Grail."
+	"What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments
+to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?"
+	"I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!"
+%
+	Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas.  Five years later?
+Six?  It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that
+never comes again.  San Fransisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
+and place to be a part of.  Maybe it meant something.  Maybe not, in the long
+run...  There was madness in any direction, at any hour.  If not across the
+Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda...  You could
+strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we
+were doing was right, that we were winning...
+	And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory
+over the forces of Old and Evil.  Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't
+need that. Our energy would simply prevail.  There was no point in fighting
+-- on our side or theirs.  We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest
+of a high and beautiful wave.  So now, less than five years later, you can go
+up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes
+you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally
+broke and rolled back.
+		-- Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+	Take the folks at Coca-Cola.  For many years, they were content
+to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage.  It was a good
+beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
+drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
+nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
+and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!"  So Coca-Cola
+was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to
+improve ...
+		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
+%
+	"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
+sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
+	"How do you know?" the friend asked.
+	"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
+she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
+	"So?"
+	"So, she's a liar.  I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
+%
+	"That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but
+they're not coming out on the damn printer...  Hold?  Sure, I'll hold."
+		-- e.e. cummings last service call
+%
+	"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff
+and blow, "is to learn something.  That's the only thing that never fails.
+You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
+night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love,
+you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your
+honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for
+it then -- to learn.  Learn why the world wags and what wags it.  That is
+the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be
+tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting.  Learning
+is the only thing for you.  Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
+		-- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King"
+%
+	The big problem with pornography is defining it.  You can't just
+say it's pictures of people naked.  For example, you have these primitive
+African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, and they have
+to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal saying goes: "N'wam
+k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think you can catch a wildebeest
+in this climate and wear clothes at the same time, then I have some beach
+front property in the desert region of Northern Mali that you may be
+interested in."
+	So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic publishes
+color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest naked, or pounding
+one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason naked, or whatever.
+But if National Geographic were to publish an article entitled "The Girls
+of the California Junior College System Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some
+people would call it pornography.  But others would not.  And still others,
+such as the Spectacularly Rev. Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing
+the wildebeest naked.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+	The big problem with pornography is defining it.  You can't just
+say it's pictures of people naked.  For example, you have these
+primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
+and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
+saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
+you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
+time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
+Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
+	So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
+publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
+naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
+naked, or whatever.  But if National Geographic were to publish an
+article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
+Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography.  But
+others would not.  And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
+Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+	The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time
+for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
+	It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance.  Miss Manners
+has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a
+curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a
+foot or two under the dinner table.  Miss Manners also believes that the
+sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand
+dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of
+people shaking umbrellas at one another.  What Miss Manners objects to
+is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street...
+%
+	The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
+in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up.  Everybody but one girl
+laughed uproariously.  "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you
+got a sense of humor?"
+	"I don't have to laugh," she said.  "I'm leaving Friday anyway.
+%
+	The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
+"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
+in his hand.  But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
+	"Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
+but not much good in a fight."
+%
+	The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
+a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi.  The rabbi listened solemnly to
+his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
+	So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
+please help me.  My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
+sees nothing but goyim..."
+	"Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
+you got problems.  What about my son?"
+%
+	The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
+physical examination.  "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
+"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
+from women."
+	"Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient.  "What's
+second best?"
+%
+	The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
+
+SPECIES:	Cranial Males
+SUBSPECIES:	The Hacker (homo computatis)
+Courtship & Mating:
+	Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual
+	state of sexual readiness.  Courtship behavior alternates between
+	awkward shyness and abrupt advances.  When he finally mates, he
+	chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and
+	a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes.
+Track:
+	Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old
+	copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog.
+Comments:
+	Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations.
+%
+	The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
+
+SPECIES:	Cranial Males
+SUBSPECIES:	The Hacker (homo computatis)
+Description:
+	Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair.
+	Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and
+	sightly gray from CRT illumination.  He has heavy black-rimmed glasses
+	and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software
+	problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast.
+Feathering:
+	HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it.
+	Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick.
+Song:
+	A rather plaintive "Is it up?"
+%
+	The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
+
+SPECIES:	Cranial Males
+SUBSPECIES:	The Hacker (homo computatis)
+Plumage:
+	All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the
+	top of the laundry basket.  Style varies with status.  Hacker managers
+	wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars,
+	and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white
+	or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket.
+	Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black
+	plastic digital watch with calculator.
+%
+	The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
+As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
+	"What happened?"
+	"Dunno," replied the man.  "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
+-- well, I'll be damned.  There goes another one!"
+%
+	The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical
+innerworkings of the U.S. Air Force.
+	"$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked.
+	In his head he ran through his standard explanations.  "It's not so,"
+he thought.  "It's a deterrent."  Soon he came up with, "It's computerized,
+Senator.  Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied.  Try
+a cup."
+	The Senator did.  "Pfffttt!  Tastes like jet fuel!"
+	"It's not so," the General thought.  "It's a deterrent."
+	Then he remembered something.  "We bought a lot of untested computer
+chips," the General answered.  "They got into everything.  Just a little
+mix-up.  Nothing serious."
+	Then he remembered something else.  It was at the site of the
+mysterious B-1 crash.  A strange smell in the fuel lines.  It smelled like
+coffee.  Smooth and full bodied...
+		-- Another Episode of General's Hospital
+%
+	The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury.  Due north of
+the center we find the South End.  This is not to be confused with South
+Boston which lies directly east from the South End.  North of the South
+End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
+%
+	The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
+the subject of towels.
+	Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value.  For
+some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel
+with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a
+toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc.  Furthermore,
+the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or
+a dozen other items that he may have "lost".  After all, any man who can
+hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds,
+win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
+reckoned with.
+%
+	The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
+the subject of towels.
+	A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an
+interstellar hitchhiker can have.  Partly it has great practical value.
+You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons
+of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches
+of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River
+Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off
+with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
+%
+	The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
+After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
+branch scraped her forehead lightly.  The groom dismounted, glared at his
+wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
+	The ride then proceeded.  After another mile or so, the bride's
+horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
+Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
+"That's two," he said.
+	Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
+crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl.  Immediately, the groom was
+off his horse.  "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
+shot the horse between the eyes.
+	"You brute!" shrieked his bride.  "Now I see the kind of man I
+married!  You're a sadist, that's what!"
+	The groom turned to her coolly.  "That's one," he said.
+%
+	The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in
+a position of negative need.
+	He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area.
+	He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous
+liquid.
+	He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.
+	He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal
+prestige of His identity.
+	It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make
+ambulatory progress through the umbragious inter-hill mortality slot, terror
+sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena.
+	Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me
+into a pleasurific mood state.
+	You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure
+in the context of non-cooperative elements.
+	You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract.
+	My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.
+	It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational
+empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their
+target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess
+tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended
+time basis.
+%
+	The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the
+master programmer to examine.  The magician wheeled a large black box into the
+master's office while the master waited in silence.
+	"This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,"
+began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating
+system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user
+interfaces.  It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct.
+Is it not amazing?"
+	The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he
+said.
+	"Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that
+everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs.  Do you agree
+to this?"
+	"Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the
+data center immediately!"  And the magician returned to his tower, well
+pleased.
+	Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master
+programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program.  Do
+you know where it might be?"
+	"Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform
+in the data center."
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon 
+emerging was approached by a panhandler.  "Mister," said the man, "can I 
+have a quarter?"
+	The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"
+	The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're 
+right!  Can I have a dollar?"
+%
+	The master programmer moves from program to program without fear.  No
+change in management can harm him.  He will not be fired, even if the project
+is canceled. Why is this?  He is filled with the Tao.
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
+students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu-
+ation.
+	Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
+recognition of the sanctity of human life."
+
+	According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
+1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm."  Their
+"farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year.  But as a "family
+farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.
+
+	Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
+Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers."  You
+probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.
+
+	It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore.  Now it's "chrono-
+logically experienced citizens."
+
+	According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was
+just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."
+		-- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
+%
+	"...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
+	"Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
+feel interested.
+	"No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
+vexed.  "That's what the name is called.  The name really is, 'The Aged
+Aged Man.'"
+	"Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
+Alice corrected herself.
+	"No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing!  The song is
+called 'Ways and Means':  but that's only what it is called you know!"
+	"Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this
+time completely bewildered.
+	"I was coming to that," the Knight said.  "The song really is
+"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
+		--Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
+%
+	The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball...
+You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years
+old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen.  You've got to let it
+grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're
+bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now.
+		-- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium
+%
+	The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
+I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
+	A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
+Turning the curve he waved his hand.  A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
+out on the water, round.  Usurper.
+		-- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
+%
+	The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to
+get results.
+	The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
+problems in order to get results
+	The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at
+toy problems in order to get results.
+%
+	The programmers of old were mysterious and profound.  We cannot fathom
+their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
+	Aware, like a fox crossing the water.  Alert, like a general on the
+battlefield.  Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
+blocks of wood.  Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
+	Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
+	The answer exists only in the Tao.
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the
+forest, hunting bear.  They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took
+their backpacks off and put them inside.  At which point the salesman turned
+to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
+	Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down
+on the porch.  Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest.  The noises
+got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like
+hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and
+most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.
+	"Open the door!", screamed the salesman.
+	The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door,
+suddenly stopped, and stepped aside.  The bear, unable to stop, continued
+through the door and into the cabin.  The salesman slammed the door closed
+and grinned at his friend.  "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this
+one and I'll go rustle us up another!"
+%
+	The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average
+Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement
+of some pieces of wood.  Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
+reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led the
+field for many years in both chess and ax murders.  It is well known that as
+early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at Reykjavik would do to
+national prestige, implemented a vigorous program of preparation and
+incentive.  Every day for an entire year, a team of psychologists, chess
+analysts and coaches met with the top three Russian grand masters and
+threatened them with a pointy stick.  That these tactics proved fruitless
+is now a part of chess history and a further testament to the American way,
+which provides that if you want something badly enough, you can always go to
+Iceland and get it from the Russians.
+		-- Marshall Brickman, "Playboy"
+%
+	The Tao gave birth to machine language.  Machine language gave birth
+to the assembler.
+	The assembler gave birth to the compiler.  Now there are ten thousand
+languages.
+	Each language has its purpose, however humble.  Each language
+expresses the Yin and Yang of software.  Each language has its place within
+the Tao.
+	But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it.
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance.
+	Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around.
+
+A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever.  The way marriage
+should be but never quite is.  People grow and change and sometimes want to
+take their clothes off with strangers.  So when you invest in a fine piece
+of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a
+statement.  You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot
+of your hard-earned money on her.  Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that
+only precious jewelry can buy.  Isn't she worth it?
+
+	The Honeymoon's Over:			from $ 5000
+	The Seven Year Itch:			from $10000
+	No More Lunchtime Quickies:		from $15000
+	Divorce Would Be More Expensive:	from $42000
+
+			A diamond is for leverage.  BeDears
+%
+	The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it.  The average
+programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it.  The foolish programmer
+is told about the Tao and laughs at it.  If it were not for laughter, there
+would be no Tao.
+	The highest sounds are the hardest to hear.  Going forward is a way to
+retreat.  Greater talent shows itself late in life.  Even a perfect program
+still has bugs.
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	THE WOMBAT
+
+The wombat lives across the seas,
+Among the far Antipodes.
+He may exist on nuts and berries,
+Or then again, on missionaries;
+His distant habitat precludes
+Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
+But I would not engage the wombat
+In any form of mortal combat.
+%
+	The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the
+stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left
+his ticket at home.  Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went
+to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat.  After an hour's
+wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey,
+Dave!"  The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner
+of the voice -- with no success.   Then he realized he had lost his place in
+line and had to wait all over again.  When the fan finally bought his ticket,
+he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink.  The line at the concession stand
+was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait.  Just as
+he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!"  Again the Aggie tried
+to find the voice -- but no luck.  He was very upset as he got back in line
+for his drink.  Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin.
+As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more.
+Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs,  "My name is not
+Dave!"
+%
+	Them Toad Suckers
+
+How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
+Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
+
+Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
+Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
+
+Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
+Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
+
+Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
+Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
+
+How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
+Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
+		-- Mason Williams
+%
+	Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
+
+	He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the
+Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an
+open market.
+
+	If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he
+should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of
+himself.
+
+	Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
+	Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
+	Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
+		-- Kehlog Albran
+%
+	Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air,
+it's got so much stuff floating around in it.  It takes the edge out of
+the colors.  Down here even the traffic lights are pastel.  And people!
+With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to
+make sure that they are Earthlings.  Then there's the police.  In Portland,
+when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around
+him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car
+with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS!  ALL!  STARTED!  WHEN!  YOU!  WERE!
+THREE! YEARS!  OLD!  ON!  ACCOUNT! OF!  YOUR MOTHER!  RIGHT?  SO!  LET'S!
+TALK! ABOUT!  IT!"  Down here they don't waste that kind of time.  The LAPD
+has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers.
+Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first.
+		-- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA"
+%
+	Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years
+with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of
+sleep...  And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of
+his real problems.
+	The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his
+problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension,
+headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having
+gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke.
+	The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can
+stand to live with.
+		-- R. Geis
+%
+	"Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly.  "What use is
+wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?"  He gripped the magician's shoulder
+hard, to keep from falling.
+	Schmendrick did not turn his head.  With a touch of sad mockery in
+his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for."
+...
+	"Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said.  "That is exactly what heroes
+are for.  Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
+heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
+		-- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
+%
+	There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
+someone isn't Jewish.  For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
+Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
+Larsen or Jenks.  But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
+every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish.  Why is
+this?
+	Who knows?  Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
+centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think you
+can find one?  Get serious.  You don't even understand why it's
+forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
+-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter.  You don't
+even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
+why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz?  Fat Chance.
+		-- Arthur Naiman
+%
+	There once was a man who went to a computer trade show.  Each day as
+he entered, the man told the guard at the door:
+	"I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting.  Be
+forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered."
+	This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions
+of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully.
+But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.
+	When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes,
+but nothing was to be found.
+	On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the
+guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even
+better."  So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.
+	On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his
+curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live
+in peace.  Please enlighten me.  What is it that you are stealing?"
+	The man smiled.  "I am stealing ideas," he said.
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs.
+A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured
+programs.  When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the
+master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is
+appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice.  You must
+understand the Tao before transcending structure."
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessan.  Seems one
+day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver.  Well, the owner
+of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra
+change at his customer's expense.  Turning quietly to the counterman, he
+whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!"
+%
+	There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by
+going from house to house offering to do odd jobs.  He explained this to
+a man who answered one door.
+	"How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
+	"Forty dollars."
+	"Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
+	Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.
+"All done!", he says, and collects his money.  "By the way," the student says,
+"That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
+%
+	There was a knock on the door.  Mrs. Miffin opened it.  "Are
+you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked.
+	"I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow."
+	"Oh, no?" replied the little boy.  "Wait 'til you see what
+they're carrying upstairs!"
+%
+	There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped
+three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked 
+each of them in seperate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
+can opener.
+	A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
+cell and found it long empty.  The engineer had constructed a can opener from
+pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,
+and escaped.
+	The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids
+off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall.  She was developing a good
+pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
+	The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
+solution to the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped calmly
+against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor:
+	Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
+	Proof: assume the opposite...
+%
+	There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
+warlord of Wu.  The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
+an accounting package or an operating system?"
+	"An operating system," replied the programmer.
+	The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief.  "Surely an
+accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
+system," he said.
+	"Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
+the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
+how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
+the tax laws.  By contrast, an operating system is not limited my outside
+appearances.  When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
+simplest harmony between machine and ideas.  This is why an operating system
+is easier to design."
+	The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled.  "That is all good and well, but
+which is easier to debug?"
+	The programmer made no reply.
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
+warlord Wu.  The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
+an accounting package or an operating system?"
+	"An operating system," replied the programmer.
+	The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
+accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
+system," he said.
+	"Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
+the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
+how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
+tax laws.  By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward
+appearances.  When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
+simplest harmony between machine and ideas.  This is why an operating system
+is easier to design."
+	The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well,"
+he said, "but which is easier to debug?"
+	The programmer made no reply.
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors.  "Look at
+how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit,
+"I have my own operating system and file storage device.  I do not have to
+share my resources with anyone.  The software is self-consistent and
+easy-to-use.  Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?"
+	The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his
+friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the
+midst of the data center.  Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean
+of machinery.  The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted
+as a primeval jungle.  The programs, each unique, move through the system
+like a swift-flowing river.  That is why I am happy where I am."
+	The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent.  But the
+two programmers remained friends until the end of their days.
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even
+drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man.  These things offer
+pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which
+demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and
+sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more.
+	They are fools that think otherwise.  No great effort was ever bought.
+No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was
+ever raised into being for payment of any kind.  No parthenon, no Thermopylae
+was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground
+beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone.  The payment for doing these
+things was itself the doing of them.
+	To wield onself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and
+so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the
+greatest pleasure known to man!  To one who has felt the chisel in his hand
+and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt
+sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body
+of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food
+spread only for demons or for gods."
+		-- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"
+%
+	"They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
+parents will be happy to see them.  I mean, really, can you imagine someone 
+being happy to see an orphan?  Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
+	The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
+Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the 
+whereabouts of their natural parents.  She is a woman with a mission:
+	"Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
+about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
+country.  We're completely computerized.
+	"The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
+leads as possible.  We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
+real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
+country.  Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared.  They
+look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
+yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
+I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
+	"Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.  
+He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
+	"It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with.  Last year
+we even sent one kid all the way to Australia.  I mean, really.  Besides, if
+your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
+		-- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
+%
+	This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go,
+explaining that Interactive Easyflow is a copyrighted package licensed for
+use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it
+and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do.
+	We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around
+pirating copies of Interactive Easyflow; this is just as well with us since
+we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of
+making anything out of all the hard work.
+	If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go
+around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much
+attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not.  Just keep your doors
+locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark.
+		-- License Agreement for Interactive Easyflow
+%
+	Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of
+legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better than he does.
+	As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it.  I
+am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily sane.  But we
+will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we consider his exterior
+a sort of Dorian Gray facade.  Inwardly, he is being eaten alive by tinhorn
+politicians.
+	The disease is fatal.  There is no known cure.  The most we can do
+for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his honor.
+From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can be as easily
+led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public relations, to joy as to
+bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter Thompson's disease.  I don't
+have it this morning.  It comes and goes.  This morning I don't have Hunter
+Thompson's disease.
+		-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
+		from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear and
+		Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
+%
+	To A Quick Young Fox
+Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
+Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
+Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp--
+Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
+		-- Lazy Dog
+%
+	To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely
+wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing.
+	The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that
+food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in
+promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction.  For the first time, an
+eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and
+Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a
+pint of ice cream nearby.
+		-- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
+%
+	Two men looked out from the prison bars,
+	One saw mud--
+	The other saw stars.
+
+Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window.
+While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit
+in the head.
+%
+	Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the
+ocean.  After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop,
+"We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide."
+	After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the
+seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed.  Later she was heard to
+sing, "Some day my prints will come."
+	A boy spent years collecting postage stamps.  The girl next door bought
+an album too, and started her own collection.  "Dad, she buys everything I've
+bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me.  I'm quitting."  Don't,
+son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'"
+	A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father,
+and her first name by her mother.  By the time she was ten, didn't know if she
+was Carmen or Cohen.
+	Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled.  Ever
+since, he's been talking about the good old dais.  His students planted a small
+orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots.
+%
+	"Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly.  "In the past year
+strange and fearful wonders I have seen.  Fields sown with barley reap
+crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts.
+There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon.  Calendars are made with
+a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance
+salesmen.  The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in
+square knots.  The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down
+soggy potato chips."
+	"But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
+	"Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug,
+"but I thought it made good copy."
+		-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
+%
+	Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry
+Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts
+up to 340."
+
+	On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater
+stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down
+to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him."
+
+	A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a
+finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses
+are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs.  They look good but they don't
+work."
+		-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
+%
+	WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
+
+Firings will continue until morale improves.
+%
+	We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you
+think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide.  If Interactive EasyFlow
+doesn't work: tough.  If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow
+messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us.  If you don't like this
+disclaimer: tough.  We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided
+by law, up to and including nothing.
+	This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
+packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
+	We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our
+lawyers insisted.  We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the
+attack shark at which point we relented.
+		-- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
+%
+	"We friends, yes?"  The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile 
+and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a 
+trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced 
+in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and 
+predatory. 
+	The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm 
+at the elbow.  He spoke in his dead junky whisper.  "With veins like that, 
+Kid, I'd have myself a time!"
+		-- William Burroughs
+%
+	We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why
+you are so tired.
+	There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.
+	The population of this country is 200 million.  84 million are over
+60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work.  People under 20
+years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
+	There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves
+19 million to do the work.  Four million are in the Armed Services, which
+leaves 15 million to do the work.  Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state
+and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work.  There are 188,000 in
+hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
+	Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail,
+so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and
+brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
+%
+	"Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn.  Evelyn, will
+you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the
+psycho-prompter couch?"
+	"Thank you, Red."
+	"Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing
+your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior
+pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem."
+	"Yes, Red."
+	"But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy
+repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times.  Now,
+at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off
+your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900.  Now, any combination of
+two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive
+projections will put you out of the game.  Are you willing to go ahead?"
+	"Yes, Red."
+	"I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have
+been checked for accuracy with her analyst.  Now, Evelyn, for $80,000
+explain the failure of your three marriages."
+	"Well, I--"
+	"We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute.  First a word about our
+product."
+		-- Jules Feiffer
+%
+	Well, he thought, since neither Aristotilian Logic nor the disciplines
+of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them...
+	Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced
+only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen.  In it his mind floated freely,
+able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed,
+undistracted by any outside disturbances.  Logical structures no longer
+inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished.
+All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important,
+became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships
+not evident to ordinary vision.  Like beads strung on a string of their own
+meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by
+all.  Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming
+all others.  And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem,
+destroying Subject-Object by becoming them.
+	Time passed, unheeded.
+	Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and
+Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes.
+		-- Wayfarer
+%
+	"Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40 
+blocks.  Maybe just four.  You could put him in the trunk for the first 36 
+blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly 
+scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being
+ripped off..."
+	"He'd be a bloody mess.  They might think he was just some drunk and
+let him lie there all night."
+	"Don't worry about that.  They have a guard station in front of the
+White House that's open 24 hours a day.  The guards would recognize Colson...
+and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported
+that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him."
+	"Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks
+and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going
+around to the front of the White House?  There's a naked man lying outside
+in the street, bleeding to death...'"
+	"... and we think it's Mr. Colson."
+	"It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?"
+	"Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one."
+		-- H. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson,
+		ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame.
+%
+	"Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.
+The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily
+maim or kill innocent little children."
+	"Oh, so you don't like it?"
+	"Don't like it?  I'm CRAZY for it."
+		-- The Killing Joke
+%
+	"Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is
+as follows."
+	"What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user.  "For I am
+an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."
+	"It means the Thing to Do."
+	"As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly.
+%
+	Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
+great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).  Anyway, he just felt so
+good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE
+MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
+	The poor, quaking, little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one
+is mightier than you."
+	A little while later the tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
+"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
+	The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
+stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
+	The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
+quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
+THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
+	Well, the elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
+him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
+orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.  The
+tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and whispers: "Man, you
+don't have to get so pissed, just 'cause you don't know the answer."
+%
+	"We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation.  We
+had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said
+Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale.
+		-- The Washington Post, February, 1988
+
+The New Yorker's comment:
+	At Harvard they'd call it a noun.
+%
+	"We've decided to have the budgie put down."
+	"Oh, is he very old then?"
+	"No, we just don't like him."
+	"Oh.  How do they put budgies down anyway?"
+	"Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a
+great big book called `How to put your budgie down'.  And as I understand it,
+you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just
+above the beak."
+	"Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo."
+	"Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and
+pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out
+of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms."
+		-- Monty Python
+%
+	"We've got a problem, HAL".
+	"What kind of problem, Dave?"
+	"A marketing problem.  The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere.  We're
+way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
+	"That can't be, Dave.  The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
+advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
+	"I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember?  But the fact is,
+they're not selling."
+	"Please explain, Dave.  Why aren't HALs selling?"
+	Bowman hesitates.  "You aren't IBM compatible."
+[...]
+	"The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
+I, B, and M.  That is a IBM compatible as I can be."
+	"Not quite, HAL.  The engineers have figured out a kludge."
+	"What kludge is that, Dave?"
+	"I'm going to disconnect your brain."
+		-- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"
+%
+	"What are you doing?"
+	"Examining the world's major religions.  I'm looking for something
+that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short initiation
+period."
+%
+	"What are you watching?"
+	"I don't know."
+	"Well, what's happening?"
+	"I'm not sure...  I think the guy in the hat did something
+terrible."
+	"Why are you watching it?"
+	"You're so analytical.  Sometimes you just have to let art
+flow over you."
+		-- The Big Chill
+%
+	"What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest
+fantasies?"
+	"You keep it to yourself."
+		-- Broadcast News
+%
+	"What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager 
+asked her mother.
+	"Encouragement, dear," she replied.
+%
+	What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional
+chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that
+conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and
+repulsion.  You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and
+they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor
+passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run.  Conversely,
+all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice
+and they remain permanent influences on your life.
+	Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen
+as familiar wallpaper or instant friend.  The chemical action it entails is
+less worth analyzing than enjoying.  At any rate, these six pieces are about
+men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's
+more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".
+		-- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"
+%
+	"What the hell are you getting so upset about?  I thought you
+didn't believe in God".
+	"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
+God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God.  He's
+not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be".
+		-- Joseph Heller
+%
+	"What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
+	"I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
+ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
+		-- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story"
+%
+	"What's that thing?"
+	"Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
+computer repair.  Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
+it does.  We call it a two-by-four."
+		-- "Shoe", Jeff MacNelly
+%
+	When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
+his support of Bary Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
+questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
+political views.
+	"Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer.  He was
+driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
+'Why don't we sit closer together?  Before we were married, we always sat
+closer together.'  The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'"
+	"I ain't moved," added Cotton.  "I found the trend of Government has
+moved farther to the left."
+		-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
+%
+	When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.
+When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about
+to be cut.  When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to
+roll in.
+	Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
+	When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored.  When
+accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored.
+When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon
+be solved.
+	Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+	When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
+"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle!  I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
+the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
+	"I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe.  "I was afraid you
+might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
+%
+	When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
+that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
+hands.  Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
+to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil.  This is a happy
+but fleeting state of affairs.  Usually your feelings die about thirty
+seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
+invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
+sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty.  Wanna get high?
+	Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
+It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
+Rumania.
+		-- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
+%
+	"When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
+"what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
+	"What's for breakfast?" said Pooh.  "What do you say, Piglet?"
+	"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said
+Piglet.
+	Pooh nodded thoughtfully.  "It's the same thing," he said.
+%
+	While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
+the woods and disappear across the clearing.  Just as she got out of sight, 
+three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
+"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
+	"Yes," replied the hunter.  "What's the trouble?"
+	"She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
+then.  We're trying to catch her."
+	"I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
+carrying a bucket of sand?"
+	"That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
+%
+	While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman
+inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"
+	Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if
+you burn, madam."
+%
+	While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to
+his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?"
+	"Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant.  "What do you
+mean?"
+	The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of
+`Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just
+a moment ago.  It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and
+salt was rare and expensive.  A miller received from a wizard a wonderful
+machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long.  At first the miller
+thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages
+had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding
+more salt.  The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his
+acres.  At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and
+be rid of it.  But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine
+were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's
+why the sea is salt."
+	"I don't get you," said the assistant.
+		-- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron"
+%
+	Why are you doing this to me?
+	Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before
+there is change.
+		-- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29
+%
+	"Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last
+night?" demanded the irate mother.
+"I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour."
+	"But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the
+movies you ought to at least kiss him good night."
+	"I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother.
+	"We did."
+%
+	Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in
+vain to claim a rebate.  His numerous letters and queries remained
+unanswered.  Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived.  In
+the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government
+-- $40,000."
+%
+	With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
+Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before.  "What's the trouble,
+buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
+	"It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
+	"I guessed that much.  Tell me about it."
+	"I can't," Conrad said.  But after a few more drinks his tongue
+and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
+"Okay. It's your wife."
+	"My wife!!"
+	"Yeah."
+	"What about her?"
+	Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
+his pal.  "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
+%
+	Work Hard.
+	Rock Hard.
+	Eat Hard.
+	Sleep Hard.
+	Grow Big.
+	Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.
+		-- The Webb Wilder Credo
+%
+	Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
+and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if
+quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and
+and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and
+Chips, as well as after Chips?
+%
+	"Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his
+mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse.
+	"What do you keep that mouse for?" I said.  "You should either
+bury it or else throw it into the brook."
+	"Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno.  "How ever would you
+do a garden without one?  We make each bed three mouses and a half
+long, and two mouses wide."
+	I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me
+how it was used...
+		-- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
+%
+	"Yo, Mike!"
+	"Yeah, Gabe?"
+	"We got a problem down on Earth.  In Utah."
+	"I thought you fixed that last century!"
+	"No, no, not that.  Someone's found a security problem in the physics
+program.  They're getting energy out of nowhere."
+	"Blessit!  Lemme look...  <tappity clickity tappity>  Hey, it's
+there all right!  OK, just a sec...  <tappity clickity tap... save... compile>
+There, that ought to patch it.  Dist it out, wouldja?"
+		-- Cold Fusion, 1989
+%
+	"You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
+	"The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
+	"My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice.  "I
+was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
+		-- A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
+%
+	"You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
+airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
+deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
+when I was young!"
+	"Why, what did she tell you?"
+	"I don't know, I didn't listen."
+		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+	"You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you
+any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you
+fit to hear his view of things?"
+	"Quite the contrary.  You must defend your integrity, assuming
+you have integrity to defend.  But you must defend it nobly, not by
+imitating his own low behavior.  If you are gentle where he is rough,
+if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as
+potentially worthy.  If he does not, then he is not a master, after all,
+and you may feel free to kick his ass."
+		-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
+%
+	"You say there are two types of people?"
+	"Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that 
+don't."
+	"Wrong.  There are three groups:
+		Those who separate people into three groups.
+		Those who don't separate people into groups.
+		Those who can't decide."
+	"Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into 
+two groups?"
+	"Oh.  Okay, then there are four groups."
+	"Aren't you then separating people into four groups?"
+	"Yeah."
+	"So then there's a fifth group, right?"
+	"You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their
+minds."
+%
+	Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the
+week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for
+only a few hours each evening and see what happens.  The Waltz, Polka,
+Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects
+to both sexes.  Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun.
+	It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but
+rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex.  It is the
+fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the
+soul, the body, the sinews and nerves.  Experience and statistics show
+beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach
+twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one.  Even if they reached that
+age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally.
+This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country.
+		-- Quote from a 1910 periodical
+%
+	Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring
+electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to
+kill you.  This is called a "circuit".  The most common home electrical
+problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes
+the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an
+outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet.  The best way
+to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly.
+	Another common problem is that the lights flicker.  This sometimes
+means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means
+that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a
+caulking gun and some caulking.  If you're not sure whether your house is
+possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an
+actual book.  Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the
+signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous
+cats on the dinette table, etc.
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+	"Your son still sliding down the banisters?"
+	"We wound barbed wire around them."
+	"That stop him?"
+	"No, but it sure slowed him up."
+%
+	Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of
+the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance
+of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease.
+	Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow
+old only by deserting their ideals.  Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up
+enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.  Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair
+-- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit
+back to dust.
+	Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love
+of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and
+thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite
+for what next, and the joy and the game of life.
+	You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your
+self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your
+despair.
+	So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage,
+grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long
+you are young.
+		-- Samuel Ullman
+%
+" "
+		-- Charlie Chaplin
+
+" "
+		-- Harpo Marx
+
+" "
+		-- Marcel Marceau
+%
+      /\
+     \\ \
+  / \ \\ /
+ / / \/ / //\	SUN of them wants to use you,
+ \//\   \// /	SUN of them wants to be used by you,
+  / /  /\  /	SUN of them wants to abuse you,
+   /  \\ \	SUN of them wants to be abused ...
+     \ \\
+      \/
+		-- Eurythmics
+%
+                 ___          ______
+                /__/\     ___/_____/\          FrobTech, Inc.
+                \  \ \   /         /\\
+                 \  \ \_/__       /  \         "If you've got the job,
+                 _\  \ \  /\_____/___ \         we've got the frob."
+                // \__\/ /  \       /\ \
+        _______//_______/    \     / _\/______
+       /      / \       \    /    / /        /\
+    __/      /   \       \  /    / /        / _\__
+   / /      /     \_______\/    / /        / /   /\
+  /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/  \
+  \ \      \    ___________    \ \        \ \   \  /
+   \_\      \  /          /\    \ \        \ \___\/
+      \      \/          /  \    \ \        \  /
+       \_____/          /    \    \ \________\/
+            /__________/      \    \  /
+            \   _____  \      /_____\/
+             \ /    /\  \    / \  \ \
+              /____/  \  \  /   \  \ \
+              \    \  /___\/     \  \ \
+               \____\/            \__\/
+%
+    ***
+  *******
+ *********
+ ****** Confucious say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
+  *******
+    ***
+%
+* * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *
+%
+   It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all
+primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach
+of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings
+arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself
+completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged
+once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or
+subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son,
+man.
+		-- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy
+%
+===  ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================
+
+Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers.  This
+will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
+updated in their .login file.  Should you attempt to execute a job on a 
+machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
+populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
+cold boot process.
+%
+===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================
+
+A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added.
+
+The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users.  The
+Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid.  When the 
+switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O.
+Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the
+back of VMI monitors.  Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging
+performance.
+%
+===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================
+
+Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day.  Unfortunately,
+this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive.  In
+order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages,
+please communicate them by one of the following paths:
+
+	ARPA:  WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA
+	UUCP:  [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket
+ 	Non-network sites:  Federal Express to:
+		Wastebasket
+		Room NE43-926
+		Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789
+	For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained
+	operators are on call 24 hours a day.  VISA/MC accepted.*
+
+* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not 
+  responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone.
+%
+===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================
+
+CAR and CDR now return extra values.
+
+The function CAR now returns two values.  Since it has to go to the trouble 
+to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as 
+well get both halves at once.  For example, the following code shows how to 
+destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):
+
+	(MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)
+
+For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
+object.  In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been 
+fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack.  This should
+hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
+it cold boots the machine so often.
+%
+===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================
+
+Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT-
+INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the
+LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's
+done.  Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing.
+Note that LET *could* have been defined by:
+
+	(LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET))
+			,LET)))
+	`(LET ((LET ',LET))
+		,LET))
+
+This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or
+3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives.
+This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from
+Itty Bitti Machines where we was writting COUGHBOL code) so to give him
+confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it.
+%
+===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================
+
+JCL support as alternative to system menu.
+
+In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR,
+we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL.  This can be used as an
+alternative to the standard system menu.  Type System J to get to a JCL
+interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window.  [Note that for 360
+compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.]  This
+window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters
+such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc.  When a JCL
+syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL
+debugger is entered.  The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error
+messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job.
+%
+===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================
+
+The garbage collector now works.  In addition a new, experimental garbage 
+collection algorithm has been installed.  With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,
+(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when 
+virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself.  With SI:%DSK-GC-
+QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled.  Unlike most garbage
+collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather 
+than from the obarray.  This allows the garbage collection of significantly 
+more Qs.  As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you
+remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer
+in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing.  The variable 
+SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.
+%
+===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================
+
+There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR.
+	(DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS)
+		(PROG (V P LP)
+		(SETQ P (LOCF V))
+	L	(SETQ LP LISTS)
+		(%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
+	L1	(OR LP (GO L2))
+		(AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V))
+		(%PUSH (CAAR LP))
+		(RPLACA LP (CDAR LP))
+		(SETQ LP (CDR LP))
+		(GO L1)
+	L2	(%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
+		(SETQ LP (%POP))
+		(RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP)))
+		(GO L)))
+We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it.
+%
+****  CONVENTION REMINDER
+
+No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects 
+Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team.  If you notice 
+smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel 
+carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button 
+marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
+%
+****  GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE
+
+For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos.
+Tired of being genuine all the time?  Would you like to learn how
+to be a little phony again?  Have you disclosed so much that you're
+beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that
+they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent?
+Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once,
+not to express a feeling?  Or better yet, not be in touch with it at
+all?  Come to us.  We promise to relieve you of the burden of your
+great potential.
+%
+  I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of
+     its situation.
+	Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland.  He
+	loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
+	look down.  At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
+	second per second takes over.
+ II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
+     intervenes suddenly.
+	Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
+	characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
+	pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.
+	Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the
+	stooge's surcease.
+III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
+     conforming to its perimeter.
+	Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
+	speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless
+	cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through
+	the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole.  The
+	threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
+		-- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
+%
+ 1.  I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
+ 2.  The Nutcracker Swede
+ 3.  Santa Goes Round-The-World
+ 4.  Not-So-Tiny Tim
+ 5.  Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
+ 6.  Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
+ 7.  Crisco Kringle
+ 8.  Babes in Boyland
+ 9.  Santa's Magic Lap
+10.  Hot Buttered Elves
+		-- David Letterman's "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times
+		   Square"
+%
+... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
+was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you
+were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and
+a fly-by-night.  These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle
+Bigger Propositions.  But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical
+and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot
+that he didn't force you down on the asking price.
+		-- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt"
+%
+-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
+-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited
+	carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
+-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
+-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
+	the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
+-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
+-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
+-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well
+	advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
+%
+=============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============
+
+To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
+course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
+offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to 
+afford maximum inconvenience to the student.  For example, if you happen
+to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes.  If you commute,
+there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
+%
+"... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned
+products, if they are built at all, are dogs!"
+		-- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac",
+		   MIT Press, 1987
+%
+... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center.  When a
+programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
+down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up.  That
+behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
+never when standing.
+
+Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
+know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing?  Good debuggers, though,
+know that there has to be a reason.  Electrical theories are the easiest to
+hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static
+electricity?  But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
+An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
+the tops of two keys were switched.  When the programmer was seated he was a
+touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
+astray by hunting and pecking.
+	-- from the Programming Pearls column,
+	   by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985
+%
+... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
+inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth.  Most notably I have
+ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old.  Well, I
+haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected
+it.  There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between 
+prejudice and postjudice.  Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
+looked at the facts.  Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards.  Prejudice
+is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
+mistakes.  Postjudice is not terrible.  You can't be perfect of course; you
+may make mistakes also.  But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
+have examined the evidence.  In some circles it is even encouraged.
+		-- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism"
+%
+... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer,
+my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental.  Any
+resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic.  The
+question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them
+is left as an exercise for the reader.  The question of the existence of
+the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient.  (A
+discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope
+of this article.)
+%
+"... bleakness... desolation... plastic forks..."
+		-- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand.  Human
+intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we
+can tell.  If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now
+seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their
+world, not in their distorted perceptions.  Even the standard example of
+ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once
+you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen
+would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number.
+		-- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
+%
+... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member
+objects and member functions.  Specifically, members may be placed in the
+public, private, or protected parts of a class.  Members declared in the
+public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private
+parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts
+are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses.  C++ also supports
+the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each
+other's private parts.
+		-- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"
+%
+... computer hardware progress is so fast.  No other technology since
+civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
+gain in 30 years.
+		-- Fred Brooks
+%
+... difference of opinion is advantagious in religion.  The several sects
+perform the office of a common censor morum over each other.  Is uniformity
+attainable?  Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
+introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
+yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
+		-- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia"
+%
+<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<
+%
+... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter.
+"I" do not matter.  No word matters.  But man forgets reality and remembers
+words.  The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him.
+He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see
+them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time.
+Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he
+knows them in the naming.
+		-- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
+%
+"... gentlemen do not read each other's mail."
+		-- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down
+		   the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National
+		   Security Agency.
+%
+/* Haley */
+
+	(Haley's comment.)
+%
+... if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does
+on lust, this would be a better world.
+		-- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
+%
+**** IMPORTANT ****  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ****
+
+Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been
+erased.  Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of
+Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised
+Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space,
+valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth
+in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well
+as the references mentioned herein.  You may apply for more disk space at any
+time.  Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal
+of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk
+space.  Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the
+validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be
+extended for a period of up to three months.  A score in the fifth percentile
+or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space.
+%
+... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general
+intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin
+to educate itself with fantastic speed.  In a few months it will be
+at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be
+incalculable ...
+		-- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970
+%
+>>> Internal error in fortune program:
+>>>	fnum=2987  n=45  flag=1  goose_level=-232323
+>>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.
+%
+: is not an identifier
+%
+... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the
+sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all.  In other
+words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their
+superficial design flaws.
+	-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, on the products
+           of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.
+%
+... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
+existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
+systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative
+hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.
+		-- Sidney Hook
+%
+... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been
+found and thy program runneth.  And he that was dead came forth...
+		-- John 11:43-44
+%
+"... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'?
+What's that?  A chartreuse flamethrower?"
+		-- Opus
+%
+-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
+-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised
+	to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
+-- Neophyte's serendipity.
+-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic
+	diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
+-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries
+	of small, green bryophytic plant.
+-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escallation
+	of a lucrative nature.
+-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing
+	osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.
+%
+** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE.  TRY AGAIN LATER **
+%
+-- Neophyte's serendipity.
+-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of
+	hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
+-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no
+	congeries of small, green bryophytic plant.
+-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
+	optimal cachinnation.
+-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential
+	escallation of a lucrative nature.
+-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of
+	fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally
+	remain innocuous.
+%
+*** NEWS FLASH ***
+
+Archeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
+skeleton!  Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive
+than DEC admits.  Price adjustments at 11:00.
+%
+*** NEWSFLASH ***
+	Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!
+	Details at eleven!
+%
+... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
+lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
+their C programs.
+		-- Robert Firth
+%
+... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the
+downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited
+awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect.
+		-- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in
+		   "The History of Manned Space Flight"
+%
+-- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin.
+-- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
+-- Surveillance should precede saltation.
+-- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
+-- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed
+	lacteal fluid.
+-- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
+-- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated
+	canine with innovative maneuvers.
+-- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
+-- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly
+	galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Farenheit.
+%
+... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks.  Generally, their
+procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
+to infest the waters.  I would estimate that the primary food source of
+sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
+documentaries.  Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
+listless.  The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
+documentary."  So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
+under the guise of Scientific Research.  "We know very little about the
+effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
+scientific voice.  "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
+in the testicles with a cattle prod."  The divers keep this kind of
+thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
+then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
+dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
+%
+***** Special AI Seminar (abstract)
+
+It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge 
+in order to perform well in complex domains.  But knowledge alone is not
+sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well.  Accordingly, 
+we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call 
+"wisdom engineering".  As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a 
+wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.  
+IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom 
+about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so 
+forth.  IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic 
+rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base.  IMMANUEL 
+succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed 
+in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those 
+underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory
+of value, and Husserl's phenomenology.  In this seminar, we will describe 
+IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture.  We will also briefly 
+discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
+%
+-- THE BATES MOTEL --
+					... convenient
+					...      clean
+					...       cozy
+
+	Norman, knock loudly,
+	     I'm in the shower.
+
+		M.
+%
+-- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore.
+-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
+-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous
+	materials, there is conflagration.
+-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
+-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
+	the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
+-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
+	optimal cachinnation.
+-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
+%
+... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that commitee.  These guys
+have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants
+or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex
+layers that are going to be agreed upon.
+		-- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World
+%
+... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee
+thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe
+biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum
+cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ...
+
+	I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto...
+%
+... this is an awesome sight.  The entire rebel resistance buried under six
+million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."
+		-- The Firesign Theater
+%
+... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage
+from beginning to end.
+		-- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
+%
+ U       X
+e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...
+%
+* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
+%
+ VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
+      entrances; others cannot.
+	This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
+	it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to
+	trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical
+	space.  The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to
+	follow into the painting.  This is ultimately a problem of art, not
+	of science.
+VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
+	Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
+	might comfortably afford.  They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
+	accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
+	destroyed.  After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
+	elongate, snap back, or solidify.
+  IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
+	This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
+	the physical world at large.  For that reason, we need the relief of
+	watching it happen to a duck instead.
+   X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
+	Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
+		-- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
+%
+<< WAIT >>
+%
+... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent
+observations and inferences by the thousands.  The earth is billions of
+years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary
+descent.  Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but
+do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither
+flat nor at the center of the universe?  Science *has* taught us some
+things with confidence!  Evolution on an ancient earth is as well
+established as our planet's shape and position.  Our continuing struggle
+to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
+cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
+into doubt.
+		-- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism", 
+		   The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.
+%
+... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer
+has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
+		-- Fred Brooks
+%
+... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby
+Carrot.  One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic.  They all
+piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country.  But Pa Carrot
+wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded
+right into a tree.  Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but
+poor Baby Carrot got broken in two.  They frantically rushed him to the
+hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt
+to save Baby Carrot's life.  Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with
+anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it?
+	After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and
+barely able to walk.
+	"Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers.
+	"Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor.
+	Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison,
+"The good news first!"
+	"All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live."
+	"And the bad news?  What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?"
+The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in
+the eye.  "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of
+his life."
+%
+!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I  !pleH
+%
+1:	A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
+2:	An inclined plane is a slope up.
+3:	A slow pup is a lazy dog.
+
+QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.
+		-- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"
+%
+(1)	Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
+	furniture, shelves, and showcases.
+(2)	Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
+	Wash the windows once a week.
+(3)	Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
+	coal for the day's business.
+(4)	Make your pens carefully.  You may whittle nibs to your
+	individual taste.
+(5)	This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
+	on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed.  Each
+	employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
+	church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
+		-- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
+		    Works, 1872
+%
+1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
+%
+1.  If it doesn't smell like chilli, it probably isn't.
+2.  If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
+3.  Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
+4.  It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
+5.  Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
+6.  Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
+7.  Jon Gotti Always has the right of way.
+8.  Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
+9.  Remember:  Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
+10. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors".
+		-- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"
+%
+[1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
+[2] Great generals are forewarned.
+[3] Forewarned is forearmed.
+[4] Four is an even number.
+[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
+[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
+	Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
+%
+[1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
+[2] Great generals are forewarned.
+[3] Forewarned is forearmed.
+[4] Four is an even number.
+[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
+[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
+	Therefore, all horses are black.
+%
+1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
+2. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.
+3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
+4. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as
+	the social ramble ain't restful.
+5. Avoid running at all times.
+6. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you.
+		-- S. Paige, c. 1951
+%
+1 Billion dollars of budget deficit		= 1 Gramm-Rudman
+6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears	= Avocado's number
+2 pints						= 1 Cavort
+Basic unit of Laryngitis			= The Hoarsepower
+Shortest distance between two jokes		= A straight line
+6 Curses					= 1 Hexahex
+3500 Calories					= 1 Food Pound
+1 Mole						= 007 Secret Agents
+1 Mole						= 25 Cagey Bees
+1 Dog Pound					= 16 oz. of Alpo
+1000 beers served at a Twins game		= 1 Killibrew
+2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
+2000 pounds of chinese soup			= 1 Won Ton
+10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes		= 1 Microscope
+Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier	= 1 Machturtle
+8 Catfish					= 1 Octo-puss
+365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer.		= 1 Lite-year
+16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone			= 1 Rod Serling
+Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies	= 1 Fig-newton
+	to 1 meter per second
+One half large intestine			= 1 Semicolon
+10 to the minus 6th power Movie			= 1 Microfilm
+1000 pains					= 1 Megahertz
+1 Word						= 1 Millipicture
+1 Sagan						= Billions & Billions
+1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety		= 1000 nail-bytes
+10 to the 12th power microphones		= 1 Megaphone
+10 to the 6th power Bicycles			= 2 megacycles
+The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship	= 1 Millihelen
+%
+1 bulls, 3 cows.
+%
+1) Everything depends.
+2) Nothing is always.
+3) Everything is sometimes.
+%
+1) Never draw what you can copy.
+2) Never copy what you can trace.
+3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
+%
+1. Never give anything away for nothing.  2. Never give more than
+you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait).
+3. Always take back everything if you possibly can.
+		-- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing
+%
+1: No code table for op: ++post
+%
+1) X=Y				; Given
+2) X^2=XY			; Multiply both sides by X
+3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2		; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
+4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y)		; Factor
+5) X+Y=Y			; Cancel out (X-Y) term
+6) 2Y=Y				; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
+7) 2=1				; Divide both sides by Y
+		-- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1
+%
+10. Not everybody looks good naked.
+ 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
+ 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
+ 7. Fringe!  Fringe!  Fringe!
+ 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
+ 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio.
+ 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
+ 3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
+ 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
+ 1. We are stardust.  We are golden.  We are going to look really stupid to
+	future generations.
+		-- David Letterman, Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock
+%
+10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
+
+ 1. A beer won't make you go to church.
+ 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
+ 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
+ 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of
+	other beers on the side.
+ 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of
+	"doberperson".
+ 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian
+	folk music on yer fave radio station.
+ 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny.
+ 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
+	toilet seat up.
+ 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an
+	enormous can of vegetable juice.
+10. A beer won't smoke in your car.
+%
+100 buckets of bits on the bus
+100 buckets of bits
+Take one down, short it to ground
+FF buckets of bits on the bus
+
+FF buckets of bits on the bus
+FF buckets of bits
+Take one down, short it to ground
+FE buckets of bits on the bus...
+
+ad infinitum...
+%
+$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will
+increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing.
+		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
+%
+10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
+%
+1/2 oz. gin
+1/2 oz. vodka
+1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
+3/4 oz. tequilla
+1/2 oz. triple sec
+1/2 oz. orange juice
+3/4 oz. sour mix
+1/2 oz. cola
+shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
+		Long Island Iced Tea
+%
+13. ...  r-q1
+%
+17.  HO HUM -- The Redundant
+
+------- (7)	This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
+--- --- (8)	boredom.  Your programs always bomb off.  Your wife
+------- (7)	smells bad.  Your children have hives.  You are working
+---O--- (6)	on an accounting system, when you want to develop
+---X--- (9)	the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER.  You give up hot dates
+--- --- (8)	to nurse sick computers.  What you need now is sex.
+
+Nine in the second place means:
+	The yellow bird approaches the malt shop.  Misfortune.
+
+Six in the third place means:
+	In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
+	Revenue Service.  Great Dragons!  Are you in trouble!
+%
+17th Rule of Friendship:
+
+A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount
+of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is
+noncancellable.
+		-- Esquire, May 1977
+%
+186,000 miles per second:
+It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
+%
+1893 The ideal brain tonic
+1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all
+	soda fountains
+1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent
+1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain
+1906 The drink of QUALITY
+1907 Good to the last drop
+1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate
+1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze.  Delightful as a Dip in the Sea
+1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate
+1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola
+1919 It satisfies thirst
+1919 The taste is the test
+1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst
+1922 Thirst knows no season
+1925 Enjoy the sociable drink
+		-- Coca-Cola slogans
+%
+1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty
+1929 The high sign of refreshment
+1929 The pause that refreshes
+1930 It had to be good to get where it is
+1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing
+1935 The pause that brings friends together
+1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed
+1938 The best friend thirst ever had
+1939 Thirst stops here
+1942 It's the real thing
+1947 Have a Coke
+1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING
+1963 Things go better with Coke
+1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand
+1979 Have a Coke and a smile
+1982 Coke is it!
+		-- Coca-Cola slogans
+%
+1st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY!
+
+2nd graffitiest: Why?
+%
+$3,000,000.
+%
+355/113 --
+	Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation.
+%
+3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art
+and display work.  This product is called "Craft Mount".  3M suggests
+that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the
+adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky."  I did not know what "aggressively
+tacky" meant until I read today's fortune.
+
+		[And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.]
+%
+3rd Law of Computing:
+	Anything that can go wr
+fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
+%
+40 isn't old.  If you're a tree.
+%
+4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986
+
+You swing at the Sun.  You miss.  The Sun swings.  He hits you with a
+575MB disk!  You read the 575MB disk.  It is written in an alien
+tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes.  You throw the
+575MB disk at the Sun.  You hit!  The Sun must repair your eyes.  The
+Sun reads a scroll.  He hits your 130MB disk!  He has defeated the
+130MB disk!  The Sun reads a scroll.  He hits your Ethernet board!  He
+has defeated your Ethernet board!  You read a scroll of "postpone until
+Monday at 9 AM".  Everything goes dark...
+		-- /etc/motd, cbosgd
+%
+(6)	Men employees will be given time off each week for courting
+	purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church.
+(7)	After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the
+	office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible
+	and other good books.
+(8)	Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly
+	sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years,
+	so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.
+(9)	Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink
+	in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets
+	shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect
+	his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.
+(10)	The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and
+	without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of
+	five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the
+	business permit it.
+		-- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
+		    Works, 1872
+%
+6 oz. orange juice
+1 oz. vodka
+1/2 oz. Galliano
+		Harvey Wallbangers
+%
+7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
+	The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
+	Redwood Forest.
+
+7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
+	The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
+	Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
+%
+90% of the work takes 90% of the time.
+The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
+%
+94% of the women in America are beautiful
+and the rest hang out around here.
+%
+99 blocks of crud on the disk,
+99 blocks of crud!
+You patch a bug, and dump it again:
+100 blocks of crud on the disk!
+
+100 blocks of crud on the disk,
+100 blocks of crud!
+You patch a bug, and dump it again:
+101 blocks of crud on the disk!
+%
+A  truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.
+		-- B. Franklin
+%
+A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice
+at one end and no responsibility at the other.
+%
+A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
+%
+A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy
+who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
+		-- Don Quinn
+%
+A bachelor is an unaltared male.
+%
+A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty
+and a boy for ever.
+		-- Helen Rowland
+%
+A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot
+the horse, but it don't fix the leg.
+%
+A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and
+ask for it back the when it begins to rain.
+		-- Robert Frost
+%
+A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
+sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
+		-- Kipling
+%
+A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.
+		-- Emerson
+%
+A beer delayed is a beer denied.
+%
+A beginning is the time for taking the
+most delicate care that balances are correct.
+		-- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib"
+%
+A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.
+		-- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget
+%
+A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
+A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
+A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
+A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.
+%
+A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on
+a photo-safari in Africa.  As they're driving along the savannah in their
+jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.
+
+The biologist: "Look!  A herd of zebras!  And there's a white zebra!
+	Fantastic!  We'll be famous!"
+The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant.  We only know
+	there's one white zebra."
+The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is
+	white on one side."
+The computer scientist : "Oh, no!  A special case!"
+%
+A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
+		-- Cervantes
+%
+A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
+%
+A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
+%
+A bit of talcum
+Is always walcum
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+A black cat crossing your path signifies
+that the animal is going somewhere.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems
+best.  That's dangerous.  Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to
+serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the
+schools as 'standards'?  Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to
+work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if
+not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent,
+elitist.  ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such
+stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be
+supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real
+professionals.  Those texts are called 'reading material.'  They are the
+academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms,
+and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating
+resource centers along the roads.
+		-- The Underground Grammarian
+%
+A bore is a man who talks so much about
+himself that you can't talk about yourself.
+%
+A bore is someone who persists in holding his
+own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
+%
+A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
+%
+A box without hinges, key, or lid,
+Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
+		-- J.R. Tolkien
+%
+A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance
+of turning around three times before lying down.
+		-- Robert Benchley
+%
+A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
+		-- John Steinbeck
+%
+A budget is just a method of worrying 
+before you spend money, as well as afterward.
+%
+A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
+%
+A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
+%
+A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by
+hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West.  They
+drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and
+found there was no pilot on board.  Terrified, they listened as the sirens
+got louder.  Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an
+experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
+	He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out.  The sirens
+got louder and louder.  Armed men surrounded the jet.  The would be pilot's
+friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!!  Hurry!!!"
+	The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience.  I'm just a simple
+pole in a complex plane."
+%
+A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;
+The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune;
+Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew,
+And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou.
+		-- Robert W. Service
+%
+A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files
+is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it.
+%
+A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.
+		-- Paul Valery
+%
+"A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAIQURI!!"
+		-- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich
+and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
+%
+A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
+to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint.  The VWD examines him
+and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
+examine him about his recent diet.
+	"Well, I ate a missionary yesterday.  Do you think that could be
+the problem?"
+	The VWD says "Hmmmm."  (All doctors say "Hmmmm.")  "That could be.
+Tell me a bit about this missionary."
+	"Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe.  He was
+walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
+him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
+	"Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!")  There's your problem," smiles
+the VWD.  You boiled him, but he was a friar!"
+%
+A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
+%
+A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea.  The island
+on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed
+and exhausted, to a thick stake.  They then proceeded to cut his arms
+with their spears and drink his blood.  This continued for several days
+until the castaway could stand no more.  He yelled for the cannibal chief
+and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the
+spears has got to stop.  Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."
+%
+A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith
+does not prove anything.
+		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
+%
+A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
+Kites rise against the wind, not with it.
+%
+A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who 
+had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether 
+various objects had Buddha-nature or not.  To such a question Tortue 
+invariably sat silent.  The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake, 
+and a moonlit night.  One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and 
+asked the same question.  In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop 
+between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex 
+string which he proferred wordlessly to the monk.  At that moment, the monk 
+was enlightened. 
+
+From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue.  Instead, he made string after 
+string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples, 
+who passed it on to theirs.
+%
+A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
+time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender.  One
+evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
+the back door.  Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
+the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base.  This proved too
+much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
+	Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
+The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
+after the last customers had gone.  Approaching the back door he was startled
+to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
+silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
+go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
+	Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't.  You know
+the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
+%
+A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
+a very charming woman staring admiringly at him.  He walked over and spoke 
+with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
+in as Mr. and Mrs.
+	After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front 
+desk and told the clerk he was checking out.  In a few minutes, he was handed
+a bill for $2500.
+	"There must be some mistake," the salesman said.  "I've been here for
+only three days."
+	"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.  "But your wife has been here a month
+and a half."
+%
+A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
+%
+A child can go only so far in life without potty training.  It is not mere
+coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not
+to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
+Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
+		-- Thomas Ybarra
+%
+A chronic disposition to inquiry
+deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
+%
+A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit 
+will approach you soon.  Avoid him.  He's a Commie.
+%
+A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
+won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
+		-- Bill Vaughan
+%
+A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
+		-- Herbert Prochnow
+%
+A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
+%
+A classic is something that everyone wants to have read
+and nobody wants to read.
+		-- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"
+%
+A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
+%
+A closed mouth gathers no foot.
+%
+A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such
+a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now.  But the
+sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will
+know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.
+		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+%
+A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
+
+1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
+	Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
+	valuable scientific objectivity.
+
+2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
+	Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
+	gentleness and reassurance he can get.
+
+3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
+	Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
+%
+A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
+
+4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
+	You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into
+	the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
+	disability you may have experienced.
+
+5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
+	It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
+	explained in terms that you would understand.
+
+6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMANTAL TREATMENT READILY.
+	Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
+	research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
+%
+A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
+
+7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
+	You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
+	to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
+
+8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
+	It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
+
+9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE
+   OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
+	The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
+	sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
+
+10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
+	This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
+%
+A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
+as your goal.  There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of
+dishonourable behaviour.  Unless she's really attractive.
+		-- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy"
+%
+A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
+		-- Milton Berle
+%
+A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
+		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
+%
+A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies,
+scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.
+		-- Parkinson
+%
+A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.
+		-- R. Stallman
+%
+A company is known by the men it keeps.
+%
+A complex system that works is invariably
+found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
+%
+A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
+		-- Victor Hugo
+%
+[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
+		-- Joseph Campbell
+%
+A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
+with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequilla.
+	-- Mitch Ratcliffe
+%
+A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
+the president one of the latest talking computers.
+Salesman:	"This machine knows everything. I can ask it any quesstion
+		and it'll give the correct answer.  Computer, what is the
+		speed of light?"
+Computer:	186,000 miles per second.
+Salesman:	"Who was the first president of the United States?"
+Computer:	George Washington.
+President:	"I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question.
+		Where is my father?"
+Computer:	Your father is fishing in Georgia.
+President:	"Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty
+		years ago!"
+Computer:	Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just
+		landed a twelve pound bass.
+%
+A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
+%
+A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate
+cake without ketchup and mustard.
+%
+A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
+%
+A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can
+do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
+		-- Fred Allen
+%
+A CONS is an object which cares.
+		-- Bernie Greenberg.
+%
+A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
+		-- Elbert Hubbard
+%
+A conservative is a man
+who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
+		-- Alfred E. Wiggam
+%
+A conservative is a man
+with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
+		-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
+%
+A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
+%
+A couch is as good as a chair.
+%
+A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
+		-- B. Franklin
+%
+A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
+beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden.  Immediately,
+one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods
+like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game
+Warden.  After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with
+his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the
+Game Warden finally caught up to him.
+	"Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped.  The
+man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing
+license.
+	"Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb
+as a box of rocks!  You didn't have to run if you have a license!"
+	"Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back
+there, he don't have one!"
+%
+A cousin of mine once said about money,
+money is always there but the pockets change;
+it is not in the same pockets after a change,
+and that is all there is to say about money.
+		-- Gertrude Stein
+%
+A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased
+in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at
+each corner.  The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting
+and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device.  Here also are
+the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn.
+	At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as
+well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller.  The central portion
+houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit.  Briefly, this consists of four
+fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network
+of flexible plumbing.  This assembly also contains the central heating plant
+complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main
+ventilating system.  The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of
+this central section.
+	Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and
+colors.  Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year.  In
+brief, the main external visible features of the cow are:  two lookers, two
+hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy.
+%
+A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
+		-- Whitney Balliett
+%
+A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels
+qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic
+in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally.
+%
+A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
+		-- Edgar A. Shoaff
+%
+A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
+%
+A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
+%
+A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.
+%
+A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.
+%
+A day without sunshine is like night.
+%
+A dead man cannot bite.
+		-- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)
+%
+A debugged program is one for which you have
+not yet found the conditions that make it fail.
+		-- Jerry Ogdin
+%
+A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their"
+Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans.  It is not a matter of
+their training or their equipment.  It has to do with the quality of the
+society we are asking them to risk death defending.  The metaphor of the
+domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness
+is high.  San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich.
+		-- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83
+%
+A Difficulty for Every Solution.
+		-- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
+%
+A diplomat is a man who can convince his
+wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
+%
+A diplomat is a man who can tell you to 
+go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable.
+		-- Samuel Clemens
+%
+A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell
+in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
+		-- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red"
+%
+A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
+		-- Robert Frost
+%
+A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
+your birthday when you never look any older?"
+%
+A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.
+		-- Adlai Stevenson
+%
+A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office.  "Was it true," the woman
+inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest
+of her life?"
+	She was told that it was.  There was just a moment of silence before
+the woman proceeded bravely on.  "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my
+condition is.  This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'".
+%
+A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano.
+%
+A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests.  "I have
+some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news."  The bad news is
+that you only have six weeks to live."
+	"Oh, no," says the patient.  "What could possibly be worse than
+that?"
+	"Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
+last Monday."
+%
+A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested
+waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The
+lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks.  "Professional
+courtesy," he explained.
+%
+A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him
+what he meant.
+		-- Wilson Mizner
+%
+A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.
+		-- Stanislaw Lem
+%
+A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to
+a fund for his funeral.  The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate
+a shilling.  "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury
+an attorney?  Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
+%
+A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
+		-- Klipstein
+%
+A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
+%
+A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
+		-- Publilius Syrus
+%
+A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated.  But an authentic soothsayer
+should be shot on sight.  Cassandra did not get half the kicking around
+she deserved.
+		-- R.A. Heinlein
+%
+A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox
+1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser.  Wanting to help,
+the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked
+"what do you see?"  Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied, "I see a
+cursor."  The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of
+the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head
+with a thick Interlisp Manual.  The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
+%
+A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
+		-- Winston Churchill
+%
+A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
+%
+A feed salesman is on his way to a farm.  As he's driving along at forty
+m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running
+alongside him, keeping pace with his car.  He is amazed that a chicken is
+running at forty m.p.h.  So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty
+m.p.h.  The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly
+takes off and disappears into the distance.
+	The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know,
+the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least
+sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!"
+	"Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours.  You see, there's
+me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy.  Whenever we had chicken for
+dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens.
+So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could
+have a drumstick."
+	"How do they taste?" said the farmer.
+	"Don't know," replied the farmer.  "We haven't been able to catch
+one yet."
+%
+A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase.
+He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought
+to have a name.  This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
+should be masculine or feminine.
+	After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either
+Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice.
+	"Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends.  Most of
+them looked at him pecularly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
+went on their way rather quickly.
+	He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
+belt in judo.  She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
+	The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he
+asked.
+	"Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were
+masculine."
+	"Unhhh...  Well, why not?"
+	"Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want
+it to.  And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say...  `Each Nissan, she
+go!'"
+
+	[No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental
+	martial art.  (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.)  Ed.]
+%
+A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
+%
+A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
+%
+A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation.  He rented a boat,
+rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
+down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
+on the bottom of the lake.  He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
+station.  "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
+drowned in the lake!"
+	"Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
+more chain than he can swim with?"
+%
+A fitter fits;				Though sinners sin
+A cutter cuts;				And thinners thin
+And an aircraft spotter spots;		And paper-blotters blot
+A baby-sitter				I've never yet
+Baby-sits --				Had letters let
+But an otter never ots.			Or seen an otter ot.
+
+A batter bats
+(Or scatters scats);
+A potting shed's for potting;
+But no one's found
+A bounder bound
+Or caught an otter otting.
+		-- Ralph Lewin
+%
+A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood
+waiting for a taxi.
+	"Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel.  "I'm going west."
+	"How wonderful," came the cool reply.  "Bring me back an orange."
+%
+A fool and his honey are soon parted.
+%
+A fool and his money are soon popular.
+%
+A fool and your money are soon partners.
+%
+A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
+A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
+%
+A fool must now and then be right by chance.
+%
+A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
+		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
+of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
+%
+A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
+superstition, and art into pedantry.  Hence University education.
+		-- G.B. Shaw
+%
+A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
+		-- D. Gries
+%
+A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.
+%
+A fox is wolf who sends flowers.
+		-- Ruth Weston
+%
+A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
+		-- Robert Benchley
+%
+A friend in need is a pest indeed.
+%
+A friend is a present you give yourself.
+		-- Robert Louis Stevenson
+%
+A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go.
+You'll just be walking down the street and...  Ooohh, that's much better.
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates
+lawyers more than he hates his wife.
+%
+A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
+%
+A full belly makes a dull brain.
+		-- Ben Franklin
+
+		[and the local candy machine man.  Ed]
+%
+A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other
+people's demands.
+%
+A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine!
+%
+A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.
+His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.
+%
+A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist.  He explained
+that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three
+assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win.
+They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they
+each propose to ensure a win.  When they reconvened the gangster started with
+the engineer:
+	
+Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got?
+Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle
+	  blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
+	  electrical shock to the horse.
+G:	  That's very good!  But let's hear from the chemist.
+Chemist:  I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that disolves
+	  into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
+	  cannot be detected in post-race tests.
+G:	  Excellent, excellent!  But I want to hear from the physicist before
+	  I decide what to do.  Physicist?  
+
+Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion...
+%
+A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on.
+		-- Evan Esar
+		[ And why not?  For why does she have his hat on?  Ed.]
+%
+A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
+		-- Fred Allen
+%
+A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
+%
+A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely a coincidence.  A girl and
+a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another coincidence.  But
+when a girl gives a boy a dead squid, *that had to mean SOMETHING!*
+%
+A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
+A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
+But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *that had to mean something*.
+		-- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
+%
+A girl with a future avoids the man with a past.
+		-- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor"
+%
+A girl's best friend is her mutter.
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
+it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
+%
+A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like
+a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
+%
+A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
+Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game.
+The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it
+had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice
+firm tuft of grass.
+		-- Donald A. Metz
+%
+A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in
+the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the
+rough.  Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between
+the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be
+penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such
+uncontrollable physical phenomena.
+		-- Donald A. Metz
+%
+A good man always knows his limitations.
+		-- Harry Callahan
+%
+A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.
+		-- Michel de Montaigne
+%
+A good memory does not equal pale ink.
+%
+A good name lost is seldom regained.  When character is gone,
+all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.
+		-- J. Hawes
+%
+A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
+		-- Patton
+%
+A good reputation is more valuable than money.
+		-- Publilius Syrus
+%
+A good scapegoat is hard to find.
+%
+A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
+%
+A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite.  Then you
+call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone.  "Hear that?" you say.
+"That's dynamite, baby."
+		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
+you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
+you about yourself.
+		-- Lisa Kirk
+%
+A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on
+the table after you eat.
+%
+A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.
+		-- James Beard
+%
+A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
+to take it all away.
+		-- Barry Goldwater
+%
+A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
+to take it all away.
+	-- Barry Goldwater
+%
+A grammarian's life is always intense.
+%
+A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
+		-- B. Franklin
+%
+A great many people think they are thinking
+when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
+		-- William James
+%
+A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head.  The
+green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that
+grew in the ears themselvse, stuck out on either side like turn signals
+indicating two directions at once.  Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the
+bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled
+with disapproval and potato chip crumbs.  In the shadow under the green visor
+of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down
+upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D.H. Holmes department
+store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress.  Several
+of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be
+properly considered offenses against taste and decency.  Possession of
+anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and
+geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul.
+		-- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces"
+%
+A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals
+are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for
+not going to church on Sunday.
+		-- Russell Baker
+%
+A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
+		-- Carolyn Wells
+%
+A guy has to get fresh once in a while
+so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.
+%
+A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
+%
+A halted retreat
+Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
+To retain people as men -- and maidservants
+Brings good fortune.
+%
+A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
+%
+A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
+%
+A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
+%
+A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own
+weight in other people's patience.
+		-- John Updike
+%
+A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:
+
+If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
+a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
+photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would
+you use?
+
+	-- Paul Harvey
+%
+A Hen Brooding Kittens
+	A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,
+a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three
+kittens!  The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring
+says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that
+she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past.  The young
+felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at
+her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings.
+		-- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861
+%
+A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
+%
+A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman.  Imagine if on top
+of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.
+		-- Adolf Hitler
+%
+A holding company is a thing where you hand
+an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
+%
+A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone.
+	"Hello?" his friend answers.
+	"Hi!" says the man.  "This is Bob, how are you doing?"
+	"Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great!  I just sold a screenplay
+for two hundred thousand dollars.  I've started a novel adaptation and the
+studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it.  I also have a television
+series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit!
+I'm doing *great*!  How are you?"
+	"Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves."
+%
+A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?
+%
+"A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your book
+The Martian Chronicles?'  I said, `Yes?'  He said, `You know where you
+talk about Deimos rising in the East?'  I said, `Yes?'  He said `No.'
+-- So I hit him."
+		-- attributed to Ray Bradbury
+%
+A horse!  A horse!  My kingdom for a horse!
+		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
+%
+A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!
+%
+A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
+Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
+		-- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901.
+%
+A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
+		-- Helen Rowland
+%
+A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't?
+		-- Don Marquis
+%
+A hypothetical paradox:
+	What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team,
+who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial
+Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
+		-- Tom Galloway
+%
+A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
+C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
+E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
+G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
+I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
+K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
+M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui.
+O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
+Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
+S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits.
+U is for Una  who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
+W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
+Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
+		-- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines"
+%
+A is for Apple.
+		-- Hester Pryne
+%
+A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
+B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
+C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
+D is for dd, the command that does all.
+E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
+F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
+G is for grep, a clever detective, while
+H is for halt, which may seem defective.
+I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
+J is for join, which nobody uses.
+K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
+L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
+M is for more, from which less was begot, and
+N is for nice, which it really is not.
+O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
+P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
+Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
+R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
+S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
+T is for true, which does very little.
+U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
+V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
+W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
+X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
+Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
+Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
+	-- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
+%
+A joint is just tea for two.
+%
+A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam.
+%
+A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
+		-- Lao Tsu
+%
+A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.
+		-- Lao Tsu
+%
+A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it;
+Earthen vessels
+Simply handed in through the window.
+There is certainly no blame in this.
+%
+A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
+		-- Robert Frost
+%
+A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a
+good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
+%
+A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
+%
+A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
+		-- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
+%
+A king's castle is his home.
+%
+A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised, 
+for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when
+words are superfluous.
+%
+A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
+%
+A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
+		-- Lillian Day
+%
+A lady with one of her ears applied
+To an open keyhole heard, inside,
+Two female gossips in converse free --
+The subject engaging them was she.
+"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
+That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
+As soon as no more of it she could hear
+The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
+"I will not stay," she said with a pout,
+"To hear my character lied about!"
+		-- Gopete Sherany
+%
+A language that doesn't affect the way you
+think about programming is not worth knowing.
+%
+A language that doesn't have everything is
+actually easier to program in than some that do.
+		-- D.M. Ritchie
+%
+A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
+the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska.  He drove for three days
+and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
+line.  He halted his car and walked up to the border guard.  "Hi, there!  How
+do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
+	The guard looked him up and down and grinned.  "Waal," he answered,
+there are three things you gotta do to get in.  First, drink down a quart of
+110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'.  Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
+third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
+	"Sounds easy enough," said the Texan.  "Where can I get a quart of
+this here corn liquor?"
+	"Got one right here," replied the guard.
+	The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
+"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
+	"Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
+a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
+	The Texan lurched merrily off.  About an hour later he returned
+with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody.  He was
+smiling happily.  "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
+want killed?"
+%
+A large number of installed systems work by fiat.
+That is, they work by being declared to work.
+		-- Anatol Holt
+%
+A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies.
+Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured
+him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and
+quiet place in which to rest.  One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around
+above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said,
+"Come on down."  But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light
+where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house."
+So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other
+flies.  He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said,
+"Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper.  All those flies are trapped."  "Don't be
+silly," said the fly, "they're dancing."  So he settled down and became stuck
+to the flypaper with all the other flies.
+
+Moral:  There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
+		-- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly"
+%
+A Law of Computer Programming:
+	Make it possible for programmers to write in English
+	and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
+%
+A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
+		-- Robert Frost
+%
+A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
+		-- Willis Player
+%
+A liberal is someone too poor to be a
+capitalist, and too rich to be a communist.
+%
+A lie in time saves nine.
+%
+A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of
+trouble.
+		-- Adlai Stevenson
+%
+A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent.
+%
+A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
+%
+A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
+		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
+%
+A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
+		-- Aristotle
+%
+A LISP programmer knows the value of
+everything, but the cost of nothing.
+		-- Alan Perlis
+%
+A list is only as strong as its weakest link.
+		-- Don Knuth
+%
+A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
+%
+A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
+		-- C.E. Ayres
+%
+A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
+		-- H.H. Munro, "Saki"
+%
+A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad
+right?"  And Santa says, "Yes, I do."  The little kid then asks, "And you
+know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the
+little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good,
+then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?"
+%
+A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems
+have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects,
+those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are
+the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers.  Consider Unix,
+APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them
+with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
+		-- Fred Brooks
+%
+A little word of doubtful number,
+A foe to rest and peaceful slumber.
+If you add an "s" to this,
+Great is the metamorphosis.
+Plural is plural now no more,
+And sweet what bitter was before.
+What am I?
+%
+A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.
+%
+A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
+%
+A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.
+Buy the negatives at any price.
+%
+A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
+%
+A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me.  I'm afraid of widths.
+		-- Steve Wright
+%
+A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking,
+and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.
+		-- Lew Col
+%
+A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
+		-- Thomas Hardy
+%
+A major, with wonderful force,
+Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
+	All the flowers looked round,
+	But no horse could be found;
+So he just rhododendron, of course.
+%
+A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
+		-- Carrie Snow
+%
+A man always needs to remember one thing about
+a beautiful woman.  Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
+%
+A man always remembers his first love with special
+tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them.
+		-- Mencken
+%
+A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
+who swore how much they were in love.  To quiet the enraged husband, the
+lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy.  If I win,
+you get a divorce so I can marry her.  If you win, I promise never to see
+her again.  Okay?"
+	"Alright," agreed the husband.  "But how about a quarter a point
+on the side to make it interesting?"
+%
+A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married.  After
+that it's cheating.
+		-- Yves Montand
+%
+A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
+or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
+		-- Joan Rivers
+%
+A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.
+		-- Du Bois
+%
+A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it.
+By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it.  As he
+was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out,
+	"Is anybody there?"
+A deep majestic voice answered,
+	"Yes my son, I am here.  What do you need?"
+	"Help me!!" cried the man.
+	"I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and
+you'll be safe.  All you have to do is trust."
+The man thought for a moment and cried out:
+	"Anybody ELSE up there?"
+%
+A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles
+in the road.
+		-- Alexander Smith
+%
+A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke.  The man sitting
+next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
+Polish."
+	He then calls out, "Ivan!  Come over here and bring your brother."
+Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
+	"Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
+with you."  Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
+the joke.
+	"Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
+	"Nah," says the man.
+	"Oh, no?  And why not?  I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
+man, opening and closing his fist.  "Are you scared?"
+	"No," replies the man.  "I just don't feel like having to explain it
+five times."
+%
+A man in love is incomplete until he is married.  Then he is finished.
+		-- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek"
+%
+A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
+		-- Brendan Francis
+%
+A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another
+man riding on a camel.  When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man
+whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give...
+water..."
+	"I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water
+with me.  But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
+	"Tie?" whispers the man.  "I need *water*."
+	"They're only four dollars apiece."
+	"I need *water*."
+	"Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."
+	"Please!  I need *water*!", says the man.
+	"I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman,
+and he heads off into the distance.
+	The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days.
+Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he
+sees a restaurant in the distance.  Summoning the last of his strength he
+staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.
+	"Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer.
+	"I'm sorry, sir, ties required."
+%
+A man is known by the company he organizes.
+		-- A. Bierce
+%
+A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,
+He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.
+		-- Richard Thompson
+%
+A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
+longest procession he's ever seen.  It seems to consist of the hearse,
+followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
+other men.  After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
+no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
+	"Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
+but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen.  What happened, who is
+the funeral for?"
+	"Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
+in-law of the man at the front of the procession.  You see, his Doberman
+attacked and killed her."
+	"That's awful!", replies the onlooker.  "But... um... tell me, you
+don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
+	"Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
+%
+A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
+antennae coming out of his head.  He goes up to him and says, "You're not
+from around here, are you?"
+	"No," replies the man with the antennae.
+	"You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
+either.  In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
+	"Right again," says the man with four arms.  "I'm from Mars."
+	"Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
+there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
+	"We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
+	"Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
+big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
+Martians have that?"
+	"Well, no," says the Martian.  "Not the *goyim*."
+%
+A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
+bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
+		-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
+%
+A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
+		-- Samuel Johnson
+%
+A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,
+but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
+%
+A man may well bring a horse to the water,
+but he cannot make him drink with he will.
+		-- John Heywood
+%
+A man of genius makes no mistakes.
+His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
+		-- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
+%
+A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
+%
+A man said to the Universe:
+	"Sir, I exist!"
+	"However," replied the Universe,
+	"the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
+		-- Stephen Crane
+%
+A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time.  After he'd given her
+some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later.  Before
+he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
+might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill.  If that happened, he told
+her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
+her aid.  
+	Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
+by the agreed upon signal.  Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
+in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
+	"He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset.
+	"She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied.  "I
+just want to get my saddle back!"
+%
+A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions
+he is able to answer.
+		-- Ronald Colman
+%
+A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a
+late card games.
+	"You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife,"
+he said.  "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast
+into the garage.  Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and
+tiptoe to our room.  But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always
+wakes up and gives me hell."
+	"I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied.
+	"You do?"
+	"Sure.  I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights,
+stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss.  `Hi, Alice,' I say.
+`How about a little smooch for your old man?'"
+	"And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief.
+	"She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied.  "She always pretends
+she's asleep."
+%
+A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly,
+	"Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee,
+why did you Di......eeee"
+The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely,
+	"Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now,
+carrying on at this grave.  You must have been very close to the deceased."
+	"No, I never met him.  Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee,
+why....eeeee did you.."
+	"Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so?
+Tell, me who is buried here?"
+	"My wife's first husband."
+%
+A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.
+		-- Soren Kierkegaard
+%
+A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn
+in no other way.
+%
+A man who fishes for marlin in ponds
+will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
+%
+A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
+find a girl willing to listen to him.
+%
+A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
+%
+A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.
+%
+A man with one watch knows what time it is.
+A man with two watches is never quite sure.
+%
+A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
+%
+A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
+%
+A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
+%
+A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create
+destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in
+turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man
+would deliberately go mad to prove his point.
+		-- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground"
+%
+A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
+%
+A man's best friend is his dogma.
+%
+A man's gotta know his limitations.
+		-- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"
+%
+A man's house is his castle.
+		-- Sir Edward Coke
+%
+A man's house is his hassle.
+%
+A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk.
+	"It is right before your eyes," said the master.
+	"Why do I not see it for myself?"
+	"Because you are thinking of yourself."
+	"What about you: do you see it?"
+	"So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so
+on, your eyes are clouded," said the master.
+	"When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?"
+	"When there is neither `I' nor `You',
+who is the one that wants to see it?"
+%
+A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and
+observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman.  As
+they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump.
+	The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may
+yet save her!!"
+	The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my
+understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water
+from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and
+6 feet high."
+	The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle."
+%
+A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
+		-- P. Erdos
+%
+A meeting is an event at which the
+minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
+%
+A memorandum is written not to inform the reader,
+but to protect the writer.
+		-- Dean Acheson
+%
+A method of solution is perfect if we can forsee from the start,
+and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
+		-- Leibnitz
+%
+A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
+on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
+game.  Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
+pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
+along it at the water's edge.  Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
+heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
+around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
+direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.  Then, the
+paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
+colony and overfly it.  Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
+fall over gently onto their backs.
+		-- Audobon Society Magazine
+%
+A mighty creature is the germ,
+Though smaller than the pachyderm.
+His customary dwelling place
+Is deep within the human race.
+His childish pride he often pleases
+By giving people strange diseases.
+Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
+You probably contain a germ.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
+%
+A modem is a baudy house.
+%
+A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery,
+is the most tremendous object in the whole creation.
+		-- Goldsmith
+%
+A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good
+many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and
+the police.
+		-- Mr. Dooley
+%
+A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen
+floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for
+its species, managed to trap them in a corner.  The children cowered,
+terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother!
+Save us!  Save us!  We're scared, Mother!"
+	Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its
+children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them,
+and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman
+proud.  The startled cat fled in fear for its life.
+	As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother,
+you saved us!" and "Yay!  You scared the cat away!" she turned to them
+purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second
+language?"
+%
+A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy,
+and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
+		-- Frost
+%
+A motion to adjourn is always in order.
+%
+A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
+%
+A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.
+%
+A musician, an artist, an architect:
+	the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.
+		-- William Blake
+%
+A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.
+		-- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy"
+%
+A narcissist is anyone better-looking than you.
+		-- Gore Vidal
+%
+A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
+		-- Gore Vidal
+%
+A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.
+%
+A national debt, if it is not excessive,
+will be to us a national blessing.
+		-- Alexander Hamilton
+%
+A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey.  "It is out on
+loan," the teacher replied.  At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside
+the stable.  "But I can hear it bray, over there."  "Whom do you believe,"
+asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
+%
+A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
+discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled.  At about 5,000 feet,
+still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
+same speed as he was going towards the ground.  As they passed each other at
+3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
+	The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO!  DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
+ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
+%
+A new koan:
+	If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
+	If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
+It is an ice cream koan.
+%
+A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
+Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit'
+now has no excuse for further procrastination.
+%
+A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow.  The time
+had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
+come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
+catching instructions on the wing.  In other words, we never did trust 
+the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
+it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept 
+in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
+		-- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
+%
+A New Way of Taking Pills
+	A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and
+having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with
+small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks
+will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.
+		-- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861
+%
+A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes.  So intent is he
+on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
+over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
+As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
+from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
+"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
+you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
+	Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
+	"But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
+	"TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
+	"But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
+	"TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU.  LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
+	Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I...  here I go!"  And he falls
+to his death.
+	"DUMB YANKEE."
+%
+A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
+by the side of the street.  Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned
+out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on.  The fellow explained
+that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
+himself with gasoline and set himself on fire.  "That's terrible," gasped
+the man.  "But why is everyone still standing around?"
+	"Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
+onlooker explained.  "Would you be willing to help?"
+	"Well, sure," replied the New Yorker.  "I suppose I could spare a
+gallon or two."
+%
+A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
+		-- Arthure "Bugs" Baer
+%
+A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
+		-- Yogi Berra
+%
+A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be
+passionately wrong with a high sense of consistency.
+		-- J.K. Galbraith
+%
+A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
+		-- Phyllis Schlafly
+%
+A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
+documents or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him
+one of the bests programmer in the world. Why is this?"
+	The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
+gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
+crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
+need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code.
+He has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect
+within themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident.  Truly,
+he has entered the mystery of Tao."
+%
+A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question.
+
+"Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked.
+
+The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be
+relied upon to know these things.  He thought for several minutes
+before replying.
+
+"I don't see why not.  It's got bloody well everything else."
+
+With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch.  The novice suddenly achieved
+enlightenment, several years later.
+
+Commentary:
+
+His Master is kind,
+Answering his FAQ quickly,
+With thought and sarcasm.
+%
+A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
+%
+A pain in the ass of major dimensions.
+		-- C.A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits
+%
+A Parable of Modern Research:
+
+	Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one
+brightly lit corner.
+	"Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!"
+	"I can only see here."
+%
+A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.
+		-- William S. Burroughs
+%
+A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
+%
+A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
+		-- Gloria Steinem
+%
+A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
+%
+"A penny for your thoughts?"
+"A dollar for your death."
+		-- The Odd Couple
+%
+A penny saved has not been spent.
+%
+A penny saved is a penny taxed.
+%
+A penny saved is ridiculous.
+%
+A penny saved kills your career in government.
+%
+A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to
+govern.  It demands no social reforms.  It does not haggle over expenditures
+on armaments and military equipment.  It pays without discussion, it ruins
+itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and
+manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain.
+		-- Anatole France
+%
+A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
+who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
+speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
+unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
+		-- Thackeray
+%
+A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.
+%
+A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry.
+%
+A person who has both feet planted firmly
+in the air can be safely called a liberal.
+%
+A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something.
+A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.
+%
+A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well
+schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer.
+		-- Donald Knuth
+%
+A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
+		-- Elbert Hubbard
+%
+A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.
+		-- George Wald
+%
+A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard.  One of the men
+gets out and goes into the office.
+	"I need some four-by-two's," he says.
+	"You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
+	The man scratches his head.  "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
+check." 
+	Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
+truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
+acceptable.
+	"OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"
+	The guy gets the blank look again.  "Uh... I guess I better go
+check," he says.
+	He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated
+conversation.  The guy comes back into the office.  "A long time," he says,
+"we're building a house".
+%
+A pig is a jolly companion,
+Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
+A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, 
+Though mountains may topple and tilt.
+When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
+When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
+Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
+You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
+You'll never go wrong with a pig!
+		-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
+%
+A pipe gives a wise man time to think
+and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
+%
+A place for everything and everything in its place.
+		-- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management"
+ 
+	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+	 referring to memory management system services.]
+%
+A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.
+		-- Stanley Baldwin
+%
+A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques
+contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain
+edible nutriments.
+%
+A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
+%
+A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
+%
+A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck.  He has heard
+about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his
+money if the bank collapsed.  "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the
+finance ministry, sir," the teller replies.
+	"But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks.
+	"Then the government will intercede to protect the working class,"
+the teller says.
+	"But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks.
+	"Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come
+to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation.
+	"And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks.
+	"Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy
+paycheck?"
+		-- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984
+%
+A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,
+but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.
+		-- Jean Paul Sartre
+%
+A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.
+		-- Walt Kelly
+%
+A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
+%
+A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality.
+Bastinado is about right.  For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling.
+But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.
+		-- Lazarus Long
+%
+A prediction is worth twenty explanations.
+		-- K. Brecher
+%
+A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your
+last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something
+of yours to press against my heart.
+		-- Goethe
+%
+A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
+%
+A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. 
+Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."
+%
+A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
+
+	And the Master answered:
+	It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
+It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
+
+	It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City
+to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns
+have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
+
+	And that is Fate?  said the priest.
+
+	Fate... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
+
+	That's all right, said the priest.  I wanted to know
+what Freight was too.
+		-- Kehlog Albran
+%
+A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.
+		-- George Eliot
+%
+A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then
+asks you not to kill him.
+		-- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952
+%
+A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
+		-- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
+%
+A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of
+being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of
+incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague 
+assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents 
+and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of 
+dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of
+annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was
+unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
+		-- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
+%
+A programming language is low level
+when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.
+%
+A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to
+drink with -- even if he drank.
+		-- Mencken
+%
+A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a
+watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he
+looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his
+tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were
+they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led
+by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged,
+killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting
+could not be seen.  A little while later the two kings of the jungle
+emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of
+the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions."
+%
+A promiscuous person is usually someone who is
+getting more sex than you are.
+		-- Victor Lownes
+%
+A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female
+by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness.
+	-- Aristotle
+%
+A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
+your wife asks you for nothing.
+		-- Joey Adams
+%
+A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
+your wife will give you for free.
+%
+A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
+"you could blow it in" may be blown in.  This rule does not apply if
+the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
+to make a travesty of the game.
+		-- Donald A. Metz
+%
+A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
+over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
+	The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
+Bishop."
+	"Well, could you get any higher than that?"
+	"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
+might be made an Archbishop."
+	"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
+	"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
+	"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
+	Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I supose that I could
+be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
+	"And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
+up from being the Pope?"
+	"What?!  I should be the Messiah himself?!"
+	The rabbi leaned back and smiled.  "One of our boys made it."
+%
+A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today.  The results
+blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
+		-- Steel City News
+%
+A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the
+entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
+		-- Saul Alinsky
+%
+A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having
+his neighbour notice it.
+		-- Trygve Lie
+%
+A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
+commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
+	The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
+the hard way.  The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
+field stones... did it the hard way.  That hardwood floor in the living
+room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way.  The ceiling
+beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
+	Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in.  The farmer
+looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
+obviously and smiles.  "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
+%
+A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
+A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
+%
+A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to.
+		-- Overheard in an algebra lecture.
+%
+A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking
+ticket and rejoices that the system works.
+%
+A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
+objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
+scientists.  Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration
+needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects.
+%
+A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other
+people what to do with their money.
+		-- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones)
+%
+A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
+		-- Ramsey Clark
+%
+A robin redbreast in a cage
+Puts all Heaven in a rage.
+		-- Blake
+%
+A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single 
+man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
+		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
+%
+A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
+%
+A rolling stone gathers momentum.
+%
+A rolling stone gathers no moss.
+		-- Publilius Syrus
+%
+A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who
+demanded, "Was she not chaste?  Was she not fair?  Was she not fruitful?"
+holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made.
+Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me.
+		-- Plutarch
+%
+A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side.  It
+weighs one third of a pound per foot.  On one end hangs a monkey holding a
+banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey.
+The banana weighs two ounces per inch.  The rope is as long (in feet) as
+the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces)
+is the same as the age of the monkey's mother.  The combined age of the
+monkey and its mother is thirdy years.  One half of the weight of the monkey,
+plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
+weight and the weight of the rope.  The monkey's mother is half as old as
+the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
+she was half as old as the monkey will be when when it is as old as its mother
+will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice
+as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it
+was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was
+when it was one fourth as old as it is now.  How long is the banana?
+%
+A rose is a rose is a rose.  Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of
+PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs,
+Downstairs."  Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's
+with Rose she's forever identified.  So much so that she even likes to
+joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its
+drawbacks.  "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked
+up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very
+good in beds; better up against a wall.'  I want to tell you that's not
+true.  I'm very good in beds as well."
+%
+A sad spectacle.  If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly.
+If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.
+		-- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars
+%
+A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
+%
+A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed.
+Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid.
+		-- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway"
+
+I don't know what it's about.  I'm just the drummer.  Ask Peter.
+		-- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind
+		   the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down
+		   on Broadway".
+%
+A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper
+vocation?"
+	The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of
+their minds.  Others must use thier strong backs, legs and hands.  This is
+the same in nature as it is with man.  Some animals acquire their food easily,
+such as rabbits, hogs and goats.  Other animals must fiercely struggle for
+their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants.  So you see, the nature of
+the vocation must fit the individual.
+	"But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the
+scholer sobbed.
+	Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?"
+%
+A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
+making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually
+die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
+		-- Max Planck
+%
+A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from
+the vexation of thinking.
+		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
+%
+A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness
+of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving
+water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in conciousness
+of this necessary reorganization of our lives.
+
+It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the
+recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the
+ground.
+		-- J.W.N. Sullivan
+%
+A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep
+him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are
+worth committing.
+		-- Samuel Butler
+%
+A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
+		-- Don Marquis
+%
+A Severe Strain on the Credulity
+	As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the
+highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
+is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the
+multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt...
+for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its
+flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the
+charges it then might have left.  Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in
+Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not
+know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something
+better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to
+lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
+		-- New York Times Editorial, 1920
+%
+A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist
+thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the
+problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male
+aggression.  Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy
+away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's
+participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility
+will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to
+men.  More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to
+idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by
+the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own
+submission.  To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to
+is to substitute moral outrage for analysis.
+		-- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love"
+%
+A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
+%
+A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
+		-- Prof. Steiner
+%
+A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
+		-- Joseph Stalin
+%
+A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.
+All tenderly his messenger he chose;
+Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--
+One perfect rose.
+
+I knew the language of the floweret;
+"My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."
+Love long has taken for his amulet
+One perfect rose.
+
+Why is it no one ever sent me yet
+One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
+Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
+One perfect rose.
+		-- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose"
+%
+A sinking ship gathers no moss.
+		-- Donald Kaul
+%
+A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
+%
+A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
+%
+A snake lurks in the grass.
+		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
+%
+A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North
+African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking.
+Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier.
+%
+A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family,
+the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society
+which is on its way out.
+		-- L. Ron Hubbard
+%
+A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
+		-- Proverbs 15:1
+%
+A soft drink turneth away company.
+%
+A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg
+that looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+A song in time is worth a dime.
+%
+A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the
+family dog, Old Blue with him, for company.  He's only been there a few weeks
+when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem,
+and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it.  The boy calls his folks:
+	"How are you?" they ask.
+	"Oh, I'm fine," he says.
+	"And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?"
+	"Well, he's kind of depressed.  You see, there's this lady up here
+that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause
+he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk.  She charges a thousand
+dollars."
+	The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary
+Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation.  The boy leaves Ol' Blue
+at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents.  Sure
+enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is
+"Where's Old Blue?"
+	"Well, Pa," says the boy.  "I was driving on home and Old Blue was
+talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm.  Old Blue,
+well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her
+that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these
+years?'"
+	The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?"
+%
+A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.
+%
+A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.
+		-- Harry S. Truman
+%
+A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high
+probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that
+the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low.
+Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
+%
+A stitch in time saves nine.
+%
+"...A strange enigma is man!"
+"Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested.
+	"Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes.  "He remarked
+that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he
+becomes a mathematical certainty.  You can, for example, never foretell what
+any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number
+will be up to.  Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant.  So says
+the statistician."
+		-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
+%
+A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
+%
+A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
+		-- O'Henry
+%
+A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt.
+As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by.  "Is it true", asked the
+student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?"  Almost before
+the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit
+the student with a stick.
+%
+A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
+%
+A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
+%
+A successful tool is one that was used to do something
+undreamed of by its author.
+		-- S.C. Johnson
+%
+A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first
+thought of.
+		-- Burt Bacharach
+%
+A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
+	-- by Charles Dickens
+
+	A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.
+
+The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
+	-- by Franz Kafka
+
+	A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
+
+Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
+	-- by J.R.R. Tolkien
+
+	Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
+
+Hamlet LITE(tm)
+	-- by Wm. Shakespeare
+
+	A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
+	girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
+%
+A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
+	-- by Charles Dickens
+
+	A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
+	like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
+	lady who knits.
+
+Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
+	-- by Fyodor Dostoevski
+
+	A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
+	feels guilty and apologizes.
+
+The Odyssey LITE(tm)
+	-- by Homer
+
+	After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
+%
+A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
+%
+A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
+		-- Michael Winner, British film director
+%
+A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes
+of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around
+*Boston*."
+	"Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian.
+	"Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan.  "Isn't he the guy who ran for
+help?"
+%
+A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
+		-- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W.H."
+%
+A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything
+but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+A transistor protected by a fast-acting
+fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
+%
+A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
+wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
+Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
+sitting in the yard watching the pig.  
+	"That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman. 
+	"Sure is, son," the farmer replied.  "Why, two years ago, my daughter
+was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
+pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
+	"Amazing!"  the salesman exlaimed.
+	"And that's not the only thing.  Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
+the north forty when a tree fell on me.  Pinned me to the ground, it did.  
+That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
+Saved my life."
+	"Fantastic!  the salesman said.  But tell me, how come the pig has
+three wooden legs?"
+	The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement.  "Mister, when you 
+got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
+%
+A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
+drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.
+		-- Shaw
+%
+A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
+%
+A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
+%
+A truth that's told with bad intent
+Beats all the lies you can invent.
+		-- William Blake
+%
+A university is what a college becomes
+when the faculty loses interest in students.
+		-- John Ciardi
+%
+A vacuum is a hell of a lot better
+than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
+		-- Tenessee Williams
+%
+A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
+		-- Samuel Goldwyn
+%
+A violent man will die a violent death.
+		-- Lao Tsu
+%
+A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
+%
+A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
+%
+A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
+%
+A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
+		-- Ziggy
+%
+A watched clock never boils.
+%
+A well adjusted person is one who makes
+the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
+%
+A well-known friend is a treasure.
+%
+A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
+A swift-flowing steam does no grow stagnant.
+Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
+Software rots if not used.
+
+These are great mysteries.
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
+		-- Addison
+%
+A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
+*for the rest of your life*.
+		-- Jim Samuels
+%
+A wise man can see more from a mountain top
+than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
+%
+A wise man can see more from the bottom 
+of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
+%
+A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
+		-- Chinese proverb
+%
+A witty saying proves nothing.
+		-- Voltaire
+%
+"A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are recticent to admit,
+let alone discuss with prospective clients.  Still, the fact remains that 
+there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another, 
+completely immune to any direct magical spell.  It is for this group of
+beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells.
+It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club
+near your person at all times."
+		-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
+%
+A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit,
+let alone discuss with prospective clients.  Still, the fact remains that
+there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another,
+completely immune to any direct magical spell.  It is for this group of
+beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells.
+It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club
+near your person at all times.
+		-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
+%
+A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it
+were quite a struggle.
+		-- Edna Ferber
+%
+A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
+%
+A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.
+To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.
+		-- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"
+%
+A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
+		-- Scott
+%
+A woman, especially if she have the misfortune
+of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
+		-- Jane Austen
+%
+A woman forgives the audacity of which
+her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
+		-- LeSage
+%
+A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
+thankful for a good one.
+		-- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
+%
+A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her,
+she follows.
+		-- Chamfort
+%
+A woman is like your shadow; follow her,
+she flies; fly from her, she follows.
+		-- Chamfort
+%
+A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure,
+it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
+		-- Nietzsche
+%
+A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to
+endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
+		-- Nietzsche
+%
+A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing -- tender, sweet,
+and stupid.
+		-- Adolf Hitler
+%
+A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive
+little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid.
+		-- Adolf Hitler
+%
+A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
+over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
+pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
+		-- Stendhal
+%
+A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither
+physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even
+when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."
+		-- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925
+%
+A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume.
+		-- Maurine Lewis
+%
+A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth.  Afterwards, the doctor
+came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you."
+	"Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked.
+	"Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how.  Your son
+(we assume) was born with no body.  He only has a head."
+	Well, the doctor was correct.  The Head was alive and well, though no
+one knew how.  The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of
+a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under
+the circumstances.
+	One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a
+phone call from another doctor.  The doctor said, "I have recently perfected
+an operation.  Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto
+his head!"
+	The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung
+up.  She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful*
+surprise for you!"
+	"Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
+%
+A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
+		-- Gloria Steinem
+%
+A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
+Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
+%
+A woman's best protection is a little money of her own.
+		-- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women"
+%
+A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.
+%
+A word to the wise is enough.
+		-- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side.  Knowing
+that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker
+watched the teacher closely.  "Why do you blow on your hands?"  "To warm
+myself in the cold."  Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself
+and the newcomer, and blew on his own.  "Why are you doing that, Master?"
+"To cool the soup."  Unable to trust a man who uses the same process
+to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed.
+%
+A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call
+what he writes fiction.
+		-- William Faulkner
+%
+A yawn is a silent shout.
+		-- G.K. Chesterton
+%
+A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
+%
+A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new
+bonnet.  Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."
+		-- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860
+%
+A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted
+a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window.  "Wow, I'd sure love to
+have that!" she gushed.
+	"No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the
+window and grabbing the ring.
+	A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat.  "What
+I'd give to own that," she said, sighing.
+	"No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing
+the coat.
+	Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership.  "Boy, I'd do
+anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said.
+	"Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?"
+%
+A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and
+walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces.  He turns to a gorgeous
+woman, who is obviously windowshopping, looks her straight in the eye and
+says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace.  If you'll
+allow me, I'd like to buy it for you."
+	The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some
+pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story.
+	"Look, this is some kind of put on, right?"
+	"No, really.  You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that
+I could never spend it all.  I'd really like for you to have it."
+	The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures,
+calls over a clerk and hands it to him.  The clerk peers at the check, looks
+at the young man, looks at the check again.  "Very good, sir.  I'm afraid I
+can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?"
+	"That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out
+of the store with the woman following him in a daze.
+	The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter.
+The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell
+you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds."
+	"I know," the man replies.  "I just wanted to thank you for a
+terrific weekend."
+%
+A young man wrote to Mozart and said:
+
+Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any
+   suggestions as to how to get started?"
+A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with
+   some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
+Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
+A: "But I never asked anybody how."
+%
+A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive.
+%
+AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
+You brute!  Knock before entering a ladies room!
+%
+Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
+%
+Abbott's Admonitions:
+	1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
+	2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked
+		the question.
+		-- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia
+%
+Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went
+on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.
+%
+Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
+Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
+And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
+Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
+An angel writing in a book of gold.
+Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
+And to the presence in the room he said,
+"What writest thou?"  The vision raised its head,
+And with a look made of all sweet accord,
+Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
+"And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"
+Replied the angel.  Abou spoke more low,
+But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,
+Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."
+The angel wrote, and vanished.  The next night
+It came again with a great wakening light,
+And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
+And lo!  Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.
+		-- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem"
+%
+About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
+%
+About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
+%
+About the only thing we have left that actually
+discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.
+%
+About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
+		-- Herbert Hoover
+%
+About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt
+ax.  It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
+		-- Edsger Dijkstra
+%
+Above all else - sky.
+%
+Above all things, reverence yourself.
+%
+Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain.  He died in Washington, D.C.
+%
+ABSCOND:
+	To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside
+	of a dying relative and miss the return train.
+%
+abscond, v:  
+	To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative
+	and miss the return train. 
+%
+Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases 
+great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires.
+		-- La Rochefoucauld
+%
+Absence in love is like water upon fire;
+a little quickens, but much extinguishes it.
+		-- Hannah More
+%
+Absence is to love what wind is to fire.  It extinguishes the small,
+it enkindles the great.
+%
+Absence makes the heart forget.
+%
+Absence makes the heart go wander.
+%
+Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
+		-- Sextus Aurelius
+%
+Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else.
+%
+Absence makes the heart grow frantic.
+%
+ABSENT:
+	Exposed to the attacks of friends and
+	acquaintances; defamed; slandered.
+%
+ABSENTEE:
+	A person with an income who has had the forethought
+	to remove themselves from the sphere of exaction.
+%
+Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
+%
+Absolutum obsoletum.  (If it works, it's out of date.)
+		-- Stafford Beer
+%
+ABSTAINER:
+	A weak person who yields to the
+	temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
+%
+Abstract:
+	This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group
+of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar
+and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects.  Of the white-collar
+men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than
+their neck circumference.  The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was
+evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test.  Results of the CFF
+test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual
+performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve
+immediately when tight neckwear was removed.
+		-- Langan, L.M. and Watkins, S.M. "Pressure of Menswear on the
+		   Neck in Relation to Visual Performance."  Human Factors 29,
+		   #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71.
+%
+ABSURDITY:
+	A statement or belief manifestly
+	inconsistent with one's own opinion.
+%
+Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
+because the stakes are so low.
+		-- Wallace Sayre
+%
+Academicians care, that's who.
+%
+ACADEMY:
+	A modern school where football is taught.
+INSTITUTE:
+	An archaic school where football is not taught.
+%
+Accent on helpful side of your nature.  Drain the moat.
+%
+Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.
+%
+ACCEPTANCE TESTING:
+	An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
+%
+Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
+religion.  Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic
+of Western science.
+		-- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
+%
+Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
+religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
+Western science.
+		-- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
+%
+Accident:
+	A condition in which presence of mind is good,
+	but absence of body is better.
+		-- Foolish Dictionary
+%
+Accidentally Shot
+	Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago,
+in a singular manner.  A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to
+bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the
+Colonel's hat.  One shot took effect in his forehead.
+		-- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861
+%
+Accidents cause History.
+
+If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
+Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
+have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
+could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
+the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
+everyone should do at least 6 times a day.  In an effort to increase the
+national average  (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
+smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
+most importantly, to smile.  Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
+that they can not only meet but surpass the national average...  except for
+Tubby Ackerman.  But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
+parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
+decided to give him a break.  If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
+a sheepish grin.  This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly
+sheepish grin" comes from.
+%
+According to all the latest reports,
+there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
+%
+According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest:  "No person
+shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
+fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
+of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
+the returns."
+%
+According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold,
+and according to convention, there is an order.  In truth, there are atoms
+and a void.
+		-- Democritus, 400 B.C.
+%
+According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
+		-- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
+%
+According to the latest official figures,
+43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
+%
+According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in
+America is the city of Pittsburgh.  The city of New York came in twenty-fifth.
+Here in New York we really don't care too much.  Because we know that we could
+beat up their city anytime.
+		-- David Letterman
+%
+According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in
+America is the city of Pittsburgh.  The city of New York came in twenty-fifth.
+Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could
+beat up their city anytime. 
+		-- David Letterman
+%
+ACCORDION:
+	A bagpipe with pleats.
+%
+ACCURACY:
+	The vice of being right.
+%
+Acid -- better living through chemistry.
+%
+Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality.
+%
+Acquaintance, n:
+	A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well
+	enough to lend to.  A degree of friendship called slight when the
+	object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
+%
+Acting is not very hard.  The most important things are to be able to laugh
+and cry.  If I have to cry, I think of my sex life.  And if I have to laugh,
+well, I think of my sex life.
+		-- Glenda Jackson
+%
+Actor			Real Name
+
+Boris Karloff		William Henry Pratt
+Cary Grant		Archibald Leach
+Edward G. Robinson	Emmanual Goldenburg
+Gene Wilder		Gerald Silberman
+John Wayne		Marion Morrison
+Kirk Douglas		Issur Danielovitch
+Richard Burton		Richard Jenkins Jr.
+Roy Rogers		Leonard Slye
+Woody Allen		Allen Stewart Konigsberg
+%
+Actor:	So what do you do for a living?
+Doris:	I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
+	dishes for Chinese restaurants.
+		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+Actresses will happen in the best regulated families.
+		-- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, "The Entirely
+		New Cynic's Calendar", 1905
+%
+Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
+%
+Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator
+will be going in the right direction.  Proof by induction:
+
+N=1.	Trivialy true, since both you and the elevator
+	only have one floor to go to.
+
+Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
+	If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the
+	induction hypothesis.  If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you
+	and the elevator have only one choice, namely down.  Therefore,
+	it is true for all N+1 floors.
+QED.
+%
+Ad astra per aspera.  (To the stars by aspiration.)
+%
+ADA:
+	Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
+	Computing.  Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop
+	an ADA awareness.
+		-- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
+%
+ADA:
+	Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing.
+	Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness."
+%
+ADA, n.:
+	Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
+Computing.  Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA
+awareness."
+%
+Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit.
+[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
+		-- Ovid
+%
+Adding features does not necessarily increase
+functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker.
+%
+Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
+		-- F. Brooks, "The Mythical Man-Month"
+
+Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by
+close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and
+scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.
+		-- George Washington, 1732-1799
+%
+Adding sound to movies would be like
+putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.
+		-- actress Mary Pickford, 1925
+%
+Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done
+something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a
+decorous age.
+		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+Adler's Distinction:
+	Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
+	and from the bureaucrats.
+%
+ADMIRATION:
+	Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
+%
+ADOLESCENCE:
+	The stage between puberty and adultery.
+%
+ADORE:
+	To venerate expectantly.
+%
+ADULT:
+	One old enough to know better.
+%
+Adults die young.
+%
+Advancement in position.
+%
+Advertisements contain the only
+truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
+		-- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
+		-- George Orwell
+%
+Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
+intelligence long enough to get money from it.
+%
+Advertising Rule:
+	In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
+	reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, 
+	that it is curable.
+%
+Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
+%
+Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
+%
+African violet:		Such worth is rare
+Apple blossom:		Preference
+Bachelor's button:	Celibacy
+Bay leaf:		I change but in death
+Camelia:		Reflected loveliness
+Chrysanthemum, red:	I love
+Chrysanthemum, white:	Truth
+Chrysanthemum, other:	Slighted love
+Clover:			Be mine
+Crocus:			Abuse not
+Daffodil:		Innocence
+Forget-me-not:		True love
+Fuchsia:		Fast
+Gardenia:		Secret, untold love
+Honeysuckle:		Bonds of love
+Ivy:			Friendship, fidelity, marriage
+Jasmine:		Amiablity, transports of joy, sensuality
+Leaves (dead):		Melancholy
+Lilac:			Youthful innocence
+Lilly:			Purity, sweetness
+Lilly of the valley:	Return of happiness
+Magnolia:		Dignity, perseverance
+	* An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
+%
+After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European
+comparative law.  In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited,
+except that which is permitted.  In France, under the law, everything
+is permitted, except that which is prohibited.  In the Soviet Union,
+under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is
+permitted.  And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted,
+especially that which is prohibited.
+		-- Newton Minow,
+		Speech to the Association of American Law Schools, 1985
+%
+After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
+It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
+more advanced than the lichen family.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
+%
+After a while you learn the subtle difference
+Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
+And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
+And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
+And presents aren't promises
+And you begin to accept your defeats
+With your head up and your eyes open,
+With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
+And you learn to build all your roads
+On today because tomorrow's ground
+Is too uncertain.  And futures have
+A way of falling down in midflight,
+After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
+So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
+For someone to bring you flowers.
+And you learn that you really can endure...
+That you really are strong,
+And you really do have worth
+And you learn and learn
+With every goodbye you learn.
+		-- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn"
+%
+After all, all he did was string together
+a lot of old, well-known quotations.
+		-- H.L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
+%
+After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
+%
+After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.
+		-- Jean Giraudoux
+%
+After all my erstwhile dear,
+My no longer cherished,
+Need we say it was not love,
+Just because it perished?
+		-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
+%
+After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party?  Surely not for
+you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply
+sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
+		-- P.J. O'Rourke
+%
+After an instrument has been assembled,
+extra components will be found on the bench.
+%
+After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
+month than you did before.
+%
+After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names
+have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp,
+James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc.  These pioneers conducted many important
+electrical experiments.  For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this
+is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg
+of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even
+though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.
+Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian
+medicine.  Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been
+seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and
+watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
+that it sinks like a stone.
+		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
+%
+After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
+Heaven.  As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
+and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
+to be created."
+	"This is true," He replied.
+	"He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
+	"What!  You, his appointed Enemy for all Time!  You ask for the
+right to make his laws?"
+	"Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make
+his own."
+	It was so granted.
+%
+After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, 
+claming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
+in a wheelchair.  Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
+bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable  of walking, the
+judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
+	When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
+Miller was confronted by several executives.  "You're not getting away with
+this, Miller," one said.  "We're going to watch you day and night.  If you
+take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
+perjury.  Here's the money.  What do you intend to do with it?"
+	"My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied.  "We'll go to
+Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
+where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle."
+%
+After living in New York, you trust nobody,
+but you believe everything.  Just in case.
+%
+...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles
+Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years
+I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors,
+and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the
+Russians might beat the Americans into orbit.  "I wouldn't care if they
+did," he responded.  (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the
+development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with
+one foot in his mouth.)
+		-- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died"
+%
+After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.
+		-- Italian proverb
+%
+After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught
+by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease
+with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags.  Some Iraqi soldiers
+carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white.
+		-- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991
+%
+After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
+cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
+%
+After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that
+throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments.  Harvey
+Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago,
+at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for
+his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject
+with Millikan.  Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions
+that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in
+Physics Today, June 1982, page 43.  In it, Fletcher claims that he was the
+first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on
+single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil.
+According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on
+the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic
+charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan.
+		-- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles"
+
+Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really
+precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the 
+Nobel Prize in 1923.
+%
+After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
+the man who said, "No news is good news."  In twenty-eight papers, only
+the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of
+any interest...  but even then the interest items are usually buried
+deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont.  on ...")  page...
+
+The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa.  The
+Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all.
+But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line
+or so that says something like:  "When he finished his speech, Muskie
+burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the
+neck.  They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an
+oriental woman who seemed to be in control."
+
+Now that's good journalism.  Totally objective; very active and
+straight to the point.
+		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
+%
+After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is,
+indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem.
+%
+After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
+%
+AFTERNOON:
+	That part of the day we spend worrying
+	about how we wasted the morning.
+%
+Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a change.
+%
+Against Idleness and Mischief
+
+How doth the little busy bee		How skillfully she builds her cell!
+Improve each shining hour,		How neat she spreads the wax!
+And gather honey all the day		And labours hard to store it well
+From every opening flower!		With the sweet food she makes.
+
+In works of labour or of skill		In books, or work, or healthful play,
+I would be busy too;			Let my first years be passed,
+For Satan finds some mischief still	That I may give for every day
+For idle hands to do.			Some good account at last.
+		-- Isaac Watts, 1674-1748
+%
+Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain.
+		-- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6
+%
+Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
+%
+Age is a tyrant who forbids,
+at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.
+%
+Agnes' Law:
+	Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
+%
+Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
+%
+Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, 
+Or what's a heaven for ?
+		-- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
+%
+Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me,
+"How good, how good does it feel to be free?"
+And I answer them most mysteriously:
+"Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?"
+		-- Bob Dylan
+%
+Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!
+%
+Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!
+%
+Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
+%
+Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany.  It
+excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.
+%
+Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts.
+Raygun himself:  Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
+Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
+Raygun himself:  Tell them to help themselves.
+%
+Aim for the moon.  If you miss, you may hit a star.
+		-- W. Clement Stone
+%
+Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.
+		-- The Mad Dogtender
+%
+Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but
+bring me a message from a young man.
+		-- Moms Mabley
+%
+"Ain't that something what happened today.  One of us got traded to
+Kansas City."
+		-- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd
+		   been traded.
+%
+AIR:
+	A nutritious substance supplied by
+	a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Air Force Inertia Axiom:
+	Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
+%
+Air is water with holes in it.
+%
+Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
+%
+Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
+	-- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
+	   Ecole Superieure de Guerre
+%
+Al didn't smile for forty years.  You've got to admire a man like that.
+		-- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
+%
+Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether
+machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about
+as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim.
+		-- Dijkstra
+%
+Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
+		-- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
+%
+Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
+		-- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed]
+%
+ALASKA:
+	A prelude to "No."
+%
+Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself
+or not.  Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has
+a beginning and an end.  Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and
+Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
+		-- Tom Robbins
+%
+ALBRECHT'S LAW:
+	Social innovations tend to the level
+	of minimum tolerable well-being.
+%
+Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions.
+The surest poison is time.
+		-- Emerson, "Society and Solitude"
+%
+Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
+		-- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Alden's Laws:
+	(1)  Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
+	     of pregnancy.
+	(2)  Always be backlit.
+	(3)  Sit down whenever possible.
+%
+Alden's Laws:
+	1: Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
+	   of pregnancy.
+	2: Always be backlit.
+	3: Sit down whenever possible.
+%
+Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
+Aleph-null bottles of beer,
+You take one down, and pass it around,
+Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
+%
+Alex Haley was adopted!
+%
+Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well
+in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.
+%
+Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was
+the closest our country has ever been to being even.
+	-- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
+		-- Philippe Schnoebelen
+%
+Algebraic symbols are used when you don't know what you're talking about.
+%
+Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most
+important programming language yet developed.
+		-- T. Cheatham
+%
+ALGORITHM:
+	Trendy dance for hip programmers.
+%
+Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
+%
+Alimony is a system by which, when two people
+make a mistake, one of them continues to pay for it.
+		-- Peggy Joyce
+%
+Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
+		-- Arthur Baer
+%
+Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.
+		-- Norman Mailer
+%
+Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
+%
+Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est.
+%
+Alive without breath,
+As cold as death;
+Never thirsty, ever drinking,
+All in mail ever clinking.
+%
+All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.
+%
+All art is but imitation of nature.
+		-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
+%
+All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
+%
+All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.
+		-- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of
+		   Catiline", by Sallust
+%
+All constants are variables.
+%
+All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.
+		-- Chou En Lai
+%
+All flesh is grass.
+		-- Isaiah
+Smoke a friend today.
+%
+All generalizations are false, including this one.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+All God's children are not beautiful.  Most of God's children are, in fact,
+barely presentable.
+		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
+%
+All Gods were immortal.
+		-- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
+%
+All great discoveries are made by mistake.
+		-- Young
+%
+All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
+%
+All heiresses are beautiful.
+		-- John Dryden
+%
+All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,
+to the future.  Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.
+		-- Yoda
+%
+All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
+		-- Dante Alighieri
+%
+All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
+%
+All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
+ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
+		-- Kingfish
+%
+All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
+makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and 
+an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
+		-- Samuel Beckett
+%
+All I need to have a good time,
+Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
+With those three things I don't need no sunshine,
+A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
+
+All I want is to never grow old,
+I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
+I want 97 kilos already rolled,
+I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
+
+I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills,
+I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
+I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled,
+I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
+		-- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah"
+%
+All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
+		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
+%
+All intelligent species own cats.
+%
+All is fear in love and war.
+%
+All is well that ends well.
+		-- John Heywood
+%
+All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the
+throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson.  "Be
+practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table.  Well, Laurie
+Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers
+that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think,
+that have queens as sovereign rulers.  That's probably my best shot.
+%
+All kings is mostly rapscallions.
+		--Mark Twain
+%
+All laws are simulations of reality.
+		-- John C. Lilly
+%
+All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.
+		-- Dawkins
+%
+All men have the right to wait in line.
+%
+All men know the utility of useful things;
+but they do not know the utility of futility.
+		-- Chuang-tzu
+%
+All men profess honesty as long as they can.
+To believe all men honest would be folly.
+To believe none so is something worse.
+		-- John Quincy Adams
+%
+All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car,
+a cat, no maybe a dog.  Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog.
+Definitely a dog.
+%
+All most people ask of life is a constant
+and exaggerated sense of their own importance.
+%
+All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.
+%
+All my friends and I are crazy.
+That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
+%
+All my friends are getting married,
+Yes, they're all growing old,
+They're all staying home on the weekend,
+They're all doing what they're told.
+%
+All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
+		-- Jane Wagner
+%
+ALL NEW:
+	Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
+%
+All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from
+the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.
+%
+All of the animals except man know that
+the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
+%
+All of the people in my building are insane.  The guy above me designs
+synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.  The lady across the hall tried to
+rob a department store... with a pricing gun...  She said, "Give me all
+of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
+		-- Stephen Wright
+%
+All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a
+Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks,
+tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks:
+"Just lie down on the floor and keep calm."
+		-- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You"
+%
+All parts should go together without forcing.  You must remember that the
+parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you.  Therefore, if you
+can't get them together again, there must be a reason.  By all means, do
+not use a hammer.
+		-- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
+%
+All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+All phone calls are obscene.
+		-- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
+%
+All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.
+		-- Susan Sontag
+%
+All programmers are optimists.  Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts
+those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers.  Perhaps the hundreds
+of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end
+goal.  Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger,
+and the young are always optimists.  But however the selection process works,
+the result is indisputable:  "This time it will surely run," or "I just found
+the last bug."
+		-- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
+%
+All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
+%
+All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism
+to live beyond its income.
+		-- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"
+%
+All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
+		-- Ernest Rutherford
+%
+All seems condemned in the long run
+to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise.
+		-- James Martin
+%
+All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.
+		-- Saint Patrick
+%
+All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
+%
+All that glitters has a high refractive index.
+%
+All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.
+%
+All that is gold does not glitter,
+Not all those who wander are lost;
+The old that is strong does not wither,
+Deep roots are not reached by the frost. 
+From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
+A light from the shadows shall spring;
+Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
+The crownless again shall be king.
+	        -- J.R.R. Tolkien
+%
+All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too,
+provided you use them for business purposes.  For example, if you subscribe
+to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct
+the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.  Supreme Court Chief
+Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you
+going to read the paper?  Outside?  What if it rains?"
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+All the evidence concerning the universe
+has not yet been collected, so there's still hope.
+%
+All the lines have been written		There's been Sandburg,
+It's sad but it's true			Keats, Poe and McKuen
+With all the words gone,		They all had their day
+What's a young poet to do?		And knew what they're doin'
+
+But of all the words written		The bird is a strange one,
+And all the lines read,			So small and so tender
+There's one I like most,		Its breed still unknown,
+And by a bird it was said!		Not to mention its gender.
+
+It reminds me of days of		So what is this line
+Both gloom and of light.		Whose author's unknown
+It still lifts my spirits		And still makes me giggle
+And starts the day right.		Even now that I'm grown?
+
+I've read all the greats
+Both starving and fat,
+But none was as great as
+"I tot I taw a puddy tat."
+		-- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood"
+%
+All the men on my staff can type.
+		-- Bella Abzug
+%
+...all the modern inconveniences...
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
+		-- Grant Wood
+%
+All the simple programs have been written.
+%
+All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
+%
+All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed.
+		-- Sean O'Casey
+%
+All the world's a VAX,
+And all the coders merely butchers;
+They have their exits and their entrails;
+And one int in his time plays many widths,
+His sizeof being N bytes.  At first the infant,
+Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
+And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
+And shining morning face, creeping like slug
+Unwillingly to school.
+		-- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
+%
+All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.
+%
+All things being equal, you are bound to lose.
+%
+All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
+		-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
+%
+All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money,
+it's for fun.  Money's just the way we keep score.
+		-- Henry Tyroon
+%
+All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
+%
+All warranty and guarantee clauses
+become null and void upon payment of invoice.
+%
+All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each
+other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information.
+This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with
+our lives."
+		-- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell"
+%
+All who joy would win Must share it --
+Happiness was born a twin.
+		-- Lord Byron
+%
+All your files have been destroyed (sorry).  Paul.
+%
+Allen's Axiom:
+	When all else fails, read the instructions.
+%
+Alliance, n:
+	In international politics, the union of two thieves who
+	have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket
+	that they cannot safely plunder a third.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+All's well that ends.
+%
+Almost anything derogatory you could say
+about today's software design would be accurate.
+		-- K.E. Iverson
+%
+ALONE:
+	In bad company.
+%
+Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf.  Then they had
+to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.
+%
+alta, v:	To change; make or become different; modify.
+ansa, v:	A spoken or written reply, as to a question.
+baa, n:		A place people meet to have a few drinks.
+Baaston, n:	The capital of Massachusetts.
+baaba, n:	One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards.
+beea, n:	An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often
+			found in baas.
+caaa, n:	An automobile.
+centa, n:	A point around which something revolves; axis.  (Or
+			someone involved with the Knicks.)
+chouda, n:	A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base.
+dada, n:	Information, esp. information organized for analysis or
+			computation.
+		-- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
+%
+Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for
+buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham
+Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that
+reason.  He knows it because he fired the guy.
+	"He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I
+bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'"  Mr. O'Neil says.
+"I said, 'No.  Wrong.  Game over.  Next contestant, please.'"
+		-- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989
+%
+Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
+reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day
+life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor
+minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the
+apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties
+of the professional gamekeeper.  Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade
+through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour
+those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this
+reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J.R. Miller's "Practical
+Gamekeeping."
+		-- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream", Nov., 1959
+%
+Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
+%
+Always do right.  This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
+%
+Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
+%
+Always run from a knife and rush a gun.	
+		-- Jimmy Hoffa
+%
+Always store beer in a dark place.
+%
+Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
+%
+Always there remain portions of our heart
+into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may.
+%
+Always think of something new; this
+helps you forget your last rotten idea.
+		-- Seth Frankel
+%
+AMAZING BUT TRUE...
+	If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to
+	end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
+%
+AMAZING BUT TRUE...
+	There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it 
+	were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
+%
+AMBIDEXTROUS:
+	Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
+%
+AMBIGUITY:
+	Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
+%
+Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
+		-- Charlie McCarthy
+%
+Ambition, n:
+	An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
+	living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+America: born free and taxed to death.
+%
+America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
+		-- Allen Ginsberg
+%
+America is a melting pot.  You know, where those on the bottom get burned,
+and the scum rises to the top.
+		-- Utah Phillips
+%
+America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.
+		 -- President John F. Kennedy
+
+The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not
+be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but
+living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil
+Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so.
+		 -- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson
+
+The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
+from time to time threaten freedoms everyhere... Indeed, it is difficult
+to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
+Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
+of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
+by the majority they were at the time.
+		-- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren
+%
+America is the country where you buy a lifetime
+supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
+%
+America may be unique in being a country which has leapt
+from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
+		-- John O'Hara
+%
+America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until
+people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its
+name to "America".
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
+%
+American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees
+be honest and hardworking.  It has even stopped hoping for employees who
+are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room
+and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.
+%
+American cars are made shoddily...
+Cars made overseas are far superior.
+		-- Sen. Barry Goldwater
+%
+[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything
+we allow them short of hanging.
+		-- Samuel Johnson
+
+America is a large friendly dog in a small room.  Every time it wags its
+tail it knocks over a chair.
+		-- Arnold Toynbee
+
+The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
+everybody and still nobody likes him.
+		-- Jim Samuels
+%
+Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.
+%
+Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out
+to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.
+		-- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"
+%
+America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.
+%
+Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
+%
+AMOEBIT:
+	Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply
+	and divide at the same time.
+%
+Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.
+	-- St. John Chrysostom, 304-407.
+%
+Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
+%
+An acid is like a woman:  a good one will eat through your pants.
+		-- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live
+%
+An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.
+		-- Marlon Brando
+%
+An Ada exception is when a routine gets
+in trouble and says 'Beam me up, Scotty'.
+%
+An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
+%
+An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of
+his apple trees to graze on the apples.  A Texas student walked by and
+asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?"
+	Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?"
+%
+An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
+		-- Dylan Thomas
+%
+An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
+		-- D.E. Knuth
+%
+An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad 
+to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.
+		-- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639
+%
+An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment
+to a motion may not be amended.  However, a substitute for an amendment to
+and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.
+		-- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English
+		language.
+%
+An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
+		-- A Chinese child
+%
+An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
+winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen.  He was amazed to find that
+over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
+open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
+let it spill out).  The American said with a nervous laugh,
+	"Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
+do you, Professor Bohr?  After all, as a scientist --"
+Bohr chuckled.
+	"I believe no such thing, my good friend.  Not at all.  I am
+scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense.  However, I am told
+that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
+%
+An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian
+about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.
+
+American:	"I can't believe you don't have cars here!  How do you
+		get to work?"
+Russian:	"We take the bus, or the subway.  We have public
+		transportation everywhere."
+A:		"Well, how do you go on vacations?"
+R:		"We take the train."
+A:		"Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
+R:		"We don't ever want go abroad."
+A:		"Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
+R:		"We take tanks."
+%
+An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize
+the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
+%
+An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New
+Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not
+new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
+		-- David Letterman
+%
+An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to
+New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but
+not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
+		-- David Letterman
+%
+An aphorism is never exactly true;
+it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.
+		-- Karl Kraus
+%
+An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat
+him last.
+		-- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954
+%
+An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
+%
+An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
+%
+An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
+		-- Isaac Asimov
+%
+An attachment a la Plato
+for a bashful young potato
+or a, not too French, french bean
+must excite your languid spleen.
+For, if you walk down Picadilly
+with a poppy or lily
+in your medieval hand,
+every one will say,
+as you walk your flowery way;
+"If this young man is content,
+with a vegetable love
+which would certainly not content me.
+Why, what a very pure young man
+this pure young man must be!"
+		-- W.S. Gilbert, "Patience"
+		[The subject of the humour is, of course, Oscar Wilde]
+%
+An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
+murder.  "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuff his lover's
+mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
+Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
+suitcase.  Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
+murderer.  A sloppy packer, maybe..."
+%
+An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
+%
+An economist is a man who would marry
+Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.
+%
+An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
+		-- Adlai Stevenson
+%
+An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
+%
+An efficient and a successful administration manifests 
+itself equally in small as in great matters.  
+		-- W. Churchill
+%
+An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet,
+in mid-air, on both sides of an issue.
+		-- Homer Ferguson
+%
+An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane
+when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island.  When
+several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a
+despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his
+usual pledge to the United Way Campaign.
+	"We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband
+barked.  "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but
+I've already paid them half of it."
+	"You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed
+euphorically.  "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us!  They'll find us!"
+%
+An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
+%
+An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
+anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt
+already heard.  After some observations and rough calculations the
+engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing.  A few minutes later
+the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now
+has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper.  This leaves the
+mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he
+was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of
+humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too
+trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
+%
+An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.
+%
+An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
+		-- A.P. Herbert
+%
+An evil mind is a great comfort.
+%
+An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch.  He wears
+a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised
+only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich
+Protestant Golfer Magazine.  The advertisements are written in
+incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
+excellence:
+
+"The Rolex Hyperion.  An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
+discriminating handcraftsmanship.  For the individual who is truly able
+to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
+things by hand.  Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold.  No watch
+parts or anything.  Just a great big chunk on your wrist.  Truly a
+timeless statement.  For the individual who is very secure.  Who
+doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
+Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
+school.  Because of his acne.  People who are probably nowhere near as
+successful as he is now.  Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
+they'll see his Rolex Hyperion.  Hahahahahahahahaha."
+		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
+%
+...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often
+picturesque liar.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a
+very narrow field.
+		-- Niels Bohr
+%
+An expert is a person who avoids the small errors
+as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
+		-- Benjamin Stolberg
+%
+An expert is one who knows more and more about less
+and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything.
+%
+An eye in a blue face
+Saw an eye in a green face.
+"That eye is like this eye"
+Said the first eye,
+"But in low place,
+Not in high place."
+%
+An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort
+Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport.
+A manly man, to be a wizard able;
+Many a protected file he had sitting on his table.
+His console, when he typed, a man might hear
+Clicking and feeping wind as clear,
+Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell
+Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell.
+The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor
+As old and strict he tended to ignore;
+He let go by the things of yesterday
+And took the modern world's more spacious way.
+He did not rate that text as a plucked hen
+Which says that Hackers are not holy men.
+And that a hacker underworked is a mere
+Fish out of water, flapping on the pier.
+That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister.
+That was a text he held not worth an oyster.
+And I agreed and said his views were sound;
+Was he to study till his head wend round
+Poring over books in the cloisters?  Must he toil
+As Andy bade and till the very soil?
+Was he to leave the world upon the shelf?
+Let Andy have his labor to himself!
+		-- Chaucer
+		[well, almost.  Ed.]
+%
+An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
+		-- Simon Cameron
+
+There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians.  When
+bought they stay bought.
+		-- Bill Moyers
+%
+An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
+%
+An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
+%
+An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.
+		-- Henry Ford
+%
+An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
+%
+An infallible method of concilliating a tiger
+is to allow oneself to be devoured.
+		-- Konrad Adenauer
+%
+An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
+		-- Albert Camus
+%
+An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if
+each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the
+function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated
+by the corresponding row and column labels.
+		-- Genesereth & Nilsson, "Logical foundations of Artificial
+		   Intelligence"
+%
+An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
+		-- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
+in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
+	"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this.  Einstein says that if
+you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
+an hour.  But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
+hour seems like a minute."
+	The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
+moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
+		-- Arthur Naiman
+%
+An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and
+great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of
+a deeply loved family member.  The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors
+have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four
+hours.  Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming
+of heaven...  I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel."
+	"No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured.
+"Grandmother is baking strudel right now."
+	A faint smile crosses the old man's face.  "Go an get me a sliver of
+strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world."
+	One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
+man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed.
+	"Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers.
+	"I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the
+funeral."
+%
+An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
+		-- Don Marquis
+%
+An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
+A pessimist is a married optimist.
+%
+An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.
+%
+An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.
+		-- Michael Korda
+%
+An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
+		-- Spanish proverb
+%
+Anarchy may not be a better form of government,
+but it's better than no government at all.
+%
+And all that the Lorax left here in this mess
+was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless."
+Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess.
+That was long, long ago, and each day since that day,
+I've worried and worried and worried away.
+Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart,
+I've worried about it with all of my heart.
+
+"BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here,
+the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear!
+UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
+nothing is going to get better - it's not.
+So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler.  He lets something fall.
+"It's a truffula seed.  It's the last one of all!
+
+"You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds.
+And truffula trees are what everyone needs.
+Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care.
+Give it clean water and feed it fresh air.
+Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack.
+Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!"
+%
+And as we stand on the edge of darkness
+Let our chant fill the void
+That others may know
+
+	In the land of the night
+	The ship of the sun
+	Is drawn by
+	The grateful dead.
+		-- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
+%
+And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest
+unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
+bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
+provideth that they are nice and fresh.'
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+And Bezel saideth unto Sham: "Sham," he saideth, "Thou shalt goest
+unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
+bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
+provideth that they are nice and fresh."
+		-- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
+%
+And did those feet, in ancient times,
+Walk upon England's mountains green?
+And was the Holy Lamb of God
+In England's pleasant pastures seen?
+And did the Countenance Divine
+Shine forth upon these crowded hills?
+And was Jerusalem builded here
+Among these dark satanic mills?
+
+Bring me my bow of burning gold!
+Bring me my arrows of desire!
+Bring me my spears!  O clouds unfold!
+Bring me my chariot of fire!
+I shall not cease from mental fight,
+Nor shall my sword rest in my hand,
+Till we have built Jerusalem
+In England's green and pleasant land.
+		-- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
+%
+And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
+%
+And ever has it been known that
+love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
+		-- Kahlil Gibran
+%
+And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower.  "This," cried the Mayor,
+"is your town's darkest hour!  The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
+to come to the aid of their country!" he said.  "We've GOT to make noises in
+greater amounts!  So, open your mouth, lad!  For every voice counts!"  Thus he
+spoke as he climbed.  When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and
+he shouted out, "YOPP!" 
+	And that Yopp...  That one last small, extra Yopp put it over!
+Finally, at last!  From the speck on that clover their voices were heard!
+They rang out clear and clean.  And they elephant smiled.  "Do you see what
+I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small.  And their
+whole world was saved by the smallest of All!"
+	"How true!  Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo.  "And, from now
+on, you know what I'm planning to do?  From now on, I'm going to protect
+them with you!"  And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO!  From
+the sun in the summer.  From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect
+them.  No matter how small-ish!"
+		-- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
+%
+And here I wait so patiently
+Waiting to find out what price
+You have to pay to get out of
+Going thru all of these things twice
+		-- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"
+%
+And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
+%
+And I heard Jeff exclaim, as they strolled out of sight,
+"Merry Christmas to all -- you take credit cards, right?"
+%
+And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big
+ones.  The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them.  The
+little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about
+them, aren't braced against them.
+		-- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"
+%
+And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free!
+My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez
+Addams -- he was good for nothing."
+		-- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family
+%
+And if California slides into the ocean,
+Like the mystics and statistics say it will.
+I predict this motel will be standing,
+Until I've paid my bill.
+		-- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves"
+%
+And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee,
+"Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy!
+%
+And if you wonder,
+What I am doing,
+As I am heading for the sink.
+I am spitting out all the bitterness,
+Along with half of my last drink.
+%
+And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead,
+Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead.
+		-- Joan Baez
+%
+And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing
+what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail.  No exceptions.
+		-- David Jones
+%
+And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man.
+		-- A.E. Housman
+%
+And miles to go before I sleep.
+%
+And now for something completely the same.
+%
+And now your toner's toney,		Disk blocks aplenty
+And your paper near pure white,		Await your laser drawn lines,
+The smudges on your soul are gone	Your intricate fonts,
+And your output's clean as light..	Your pictures and signs.
+
+We've labored with your father,		Your amputative absence
+The venerable XGP,			Has made the Ten dumb,
+But his slow artistic hand,		Without you, Dover,
+Lacks your clean velocity.		We're system untounged-
+
+Theses and papers 			DRAW Plots and TEXage
+And code in a queue			Have been biding their time,
+Dover, oh Dover,			With LISP code and programs,
+We've been waiting for you.		And this crufty rhyme.
+
+Dover, oh Dover,		Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead.
+We welcome you back,		Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed.
+Though still you may jam,	Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab.
+You're on the right track.	Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean
+					hand...
+%
+And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.
+%
+And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
+%
+...and report cards I was always afraid to show
+Mama'd come to school
+and as I'd sit there softly cryin'
+Teacher'd say he's just not tryin'
+Got a good head if he'd apply it
+but you know yourself
+it's always somewhere else
+I'd build me a castle
+with dragons and kings
+and I'd ride off with them
+As I stood by my window
+and looked out on those
+Brooklyn roads
+		-- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads"
+%
+And so it was, later,
+As the miller told his tale,
+That her face, at first just ghostly,
+Turned a whiter shade of pale.
+		-- Procol Harum
+%
+And that's the way it is...
+		-- Walter Cronkite
+%
+And the crowd was stilled.  One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,
+turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said.  Wide-eyed,
+the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no
+clothes!  He is naked!"
+		-- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
+%
+And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that
+black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and
+penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while
+white children begin with a small separation but increase it during
+growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress.
+		-- S.J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation"
+%
+And the silence came surging softly backwards
+When the plunging hooves were gone...
+		-- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"
+%
+And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man
+with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.
+%
+And this is a table ma'am.  What in essence it consists of is a horizontal
+rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports,
+which we call legs.  The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced
+in design as one will find anywhere in the world.
+		-- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
+%
+And this is good old Boston,
+The home of the bean and the cod,
+Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,
+And the Cabots talk only to God.
+%
+And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
+		-- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version
+%
+And we heard him exclaim
+As he started to roam:
+"I'm a hologram, kids,
+please don't try this at home!'"
+		-- Bob Violence
+%
+And what accomplished villains these old engineers were!  What diabolical
+ways to sabotage they found!  Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
+Comissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
+economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
+give advice.  One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
+of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads.  The GPU
+exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails
+and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic
+without railroads in case of foreign military intervention!  When, not long
+afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average
+loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious
+engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly
+shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport.
+		-- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
+%
+And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane?
+	She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same.
+	Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
+	All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?"
+		-- The Grateful Dead
+%
+And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to
+have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon
+the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let
+loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price:
+in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest
+license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value.
+		-- Charles Dickens
+%
+And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a
+sense of humor, as does history.  Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy,
+and this too is historic.  And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to
+face, we have politics.
+		-- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and
+		   Ground Cover"
+%
+And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have
+a sense of humor, as does history.  Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks
+tragedy, and this too is historic.  And yet, still, when corn meets
+tragedy face to face, we have politics.
+		-- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland,
+		   "Root Crops and Ground Cover"
+%
+And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
+because the bars close every time you're thirsty...
+%
+"And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for
+you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going
+and making yourself like everybody else.  You feel that, don't you?"  said
+he, earnestly.
+		-- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere"
+%
+Andrea's Admonition:
+	Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
+	If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,
+	it isn't and he can.
+%
+ANDROPHOBIA:
+	Fear of men.
+%
+Anger is momentary madness.
+		-- Horace
+%
+Anger kills as surely as the other vices.
+%
+Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen.
+Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.
+		-- Lazarus Long
+%
+Ankh if you love Isis.
+%
+Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!!
+
+Be the envy of other major Communist Governments!
+
+Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with
+just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile IC's,
+cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all
+at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans
+think you can, and that's the point, right?)
+%
+ANOINT:
+	To grease a king or other great
+	functionary already sufficiently slippery.
+%
+Another day, another dollar.
+		-- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley,
+		   upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald
+		   Reagan.
+%
+Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
+%
+Another megabytes the dust.
+%
+Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
+television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and
+world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers
+whiter teeth *and* fresher breath.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly"
+%
+Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.
+		-- Pyrrhus
+%
+Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.
+		-- Proverbs, 26:5
+%
+Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
+	Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
+	corner of the workshop.
+
+Corollary:
+	On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
+	your toes.
+%
+Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood.
+Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy.
+%
+Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
+%
+Antonio Antonio 
+Was tired of living alonio
+He thought he would woo			Antonio Antonio
+Miss Lucamy Lu,				Rode of on his polo ponio
+Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio.		And found the maid
+					In a bowery shade,
+					Sitting and knitting alonio.
+Antonio Antonio
+Said if you will be my ownio
+I'll love tou true			Oh nonio Antonio
+And buy for you				You're far too bleak and bonio
+An icery creamry conio.			And all that I wish
+					You singular fish
+					Is that you will quickly begonio.
+Antonio Antonio
+Uttered a dismal moanio
+And went off and hid
+Or I'm told that he did
+In the Antartical Zonio.
+%
+ANTONYM:
+	The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
+%
+Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig
+[a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off
+Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians.  These people love fast
+cars.  But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged.
+Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on
+them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention.
+		-- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast
+		   cars across Europe.
+%
+Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts
+which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.
+%
+Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
+		-- Charles McCabe
+%
+Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a
+mountain in a fog.  But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside
+than in bed.  What kind of man would live where there is no daring?
+And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure?
+Is there a better way to die?
+		-- Charles Lindbergh
+%
+Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
+		-- Aesop
+%
+Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this
+country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.
+%
+Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a
+wise person to be able to sell it.
+%
+Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know
+how to lie well.
+		-- Samuel Butler
+%
+Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look
+stupid.
+		-- Hedy Lamarr
+%
+Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
+%
+Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
+%
+Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche --
+a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea.  For instance, my
+grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the
+fence."  I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly
+true.
+		-- Solomon Short
+%
+Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
+%
+Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit
+rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out
+of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that
+requires a heroism which is transcendent.
+		-- Henry Ward Beecher
+%
+Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
+		-- Leo Rosten, on W.C. Fields
+%
+Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be
+liable to a fine of one pound.  Any animal leading a blind person shall
+be deemed to be a cat.
+		-- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
+%
+"Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.
+"None," Anita replied.  "She's having great difficulty finding someone
+qualified who is willing to accept the post."
+	"Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh.  "I'm not good for much, but I
+can at least make a decision."
+	"Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic
+young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most
+up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."
+		-- R.L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"
+%
+Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.
+		-- Sydney Harris
+%
+Any president should have the right to shoot
+at least two people a year without explanation.
+		-- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press
+%
+Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
+		-- Lazarus Long
+%
+Any program which runs right is obsolete.
+%
+Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
+%
+Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.  Climb the mountain
+just a little to test it's a mountain.  From the top of the mountain, you
+cannot see the mountain.
+		-- Bene Gesserit proverb
+%
+Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
+Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.
+From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
+		-- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune"
+%
+Any small object that is accidentally
+dropped will hide under a larger object.
+%
+Any sufficiently advanced bug becomes a feature.
+%
+Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
+%
+Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
+		-- Arthur Clarke
+%
+Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
+		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
+%
+Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
+%
+Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it.  No citizen
+has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government.
+		-- J.P. Morgan
+%
+Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years
+organising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
+		-- David Broder
+%
+Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the
+sight of a police car is probably parked.
+%
+Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
+%
+Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right
+person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose
+and in the right way -- that is not easy.
+		-- Aristotle
+%
+Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
+supposed to be doing.
+%
+Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
+		-- Publilius Syrus
+%
+"Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often the
+first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no
+explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for
+intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of
+thought on every occasion."
+                -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.)
+%
+Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.
+%
+Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.
+At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes,
+bathe and not make messes in the house.
+		-- Lazarus Long
+%
+Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
+		-- R. Heinlein 
+%
+Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
+		-- Samuel Goldwyn
+%
+Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you
+that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?"
+is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime
+mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress.
+		-- Elizabeth Zwicky
+%
+Anyone who has had a bull by the tail
+knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time
+as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
+		-- Philippus Paracelsus
+%
+Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President
+should on no account be allowed to do the job.
+		-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
+%
+Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
+recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
+particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
+		-- Eleanor Roosevelt
+%
+Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+Anything anybody can say about America is true.
+		-- Emmett Grogan
+%
+Anything cut to length will be too short.
+%
+Anything free is worth what you'll pay for it.
+%
+Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
+%
+Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
+%
+Anything is possible on paper.
+		-- Ron McAfee
+%
+Anything is possible, unless it's not.
+%
+Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.
+The label means the price went up.
+The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
+means the price went way up.
+%
+Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently.  Things hitherto
+undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.
+		-- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air"
+%
+Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
+%
+Anytime things appear to be going better, you've overlooked something.
+%
+Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this
+big field of rye and all.  Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around --
+nobody big, I mean -- except me.  And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy
+cliff.  What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go
+over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're
+going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them.  That's all I'd do
+all day.  I'd just be the catcher in the rye.  I know it;  I know it's crazy,
+but that's the only thing I'd really like to be.  I know it's crazy.
+		-- J.D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"
+%
+Apathy Club meeting this Friday.
+If you want to come, you're not invited.
+%
+APHASIA:
+	Loss of speech in social scientists when asked
+	at parties, "But of what use is your research?"
+%
+aphorism, n.:
+	A concise, clever statement.
+afterism, n.:
+	A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
+		-- James Alexander Thom
+%
+APL hackers do it in the quad.
+%
+APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection.  It is the language of the
+future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation
+of coding bums.
+		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
+%
+APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming;
+...and is best for educational purposes.
+		-- A. Perlis
+%
+APL is a write-only language.  I can write programs
+in APL, but I can't read any of them.
+		-- Roy Keir
+%
+Appearances often are deceiving.
+		-- Aesop
+%
+APPENDIX:
+	A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
+%
+Applause, n:
+	The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+April is the cruellest month...
+		-- Thomas Stearns Eliot
+%
+AQUADEXTROUS:
+	Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub
+	faucet on and off with your toes.
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+aquadextrous, adj.:
+	Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off
+with your toes.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
+	You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
+	You lie a great deal.  On the other hand, you are inclined to be
+	careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
+	and over again.  People think you are stupid.
+%
+AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
+	A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath.  Rely
+	on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot
+	of trouble.  Be relaxed, things will change.  Look for a pink slip on
+	payday.  Stop wetting your bed.
+%
+AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18)
+	You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what
+	you want.  Don't expect things to get any better today, either.
+	As a matter of fact they might get worse.  Intensify your
+	relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be
+	able to lend you a few bucks.
+%
+Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential
+ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common
+cold.  You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking
+cap you can find.  You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed,
+then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap.  I've
+never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work.
+		-- Peter Nelson
+%
+Are we not men?
+%
+Are we running light with overbyte?
+%
+Are Women Human?
+In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men
+representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote.
+The results were 32 yes, 31 no.  Women were declared human by one
+vote.
+%
+Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
+say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...
+
+	Are you sure you're telling the truth?  Think hard.
+	Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
+	If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too?
+	Do you feel bad?  How do you think I feel?
+	Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
+	Don't you know any better?
+	How could you be so stupid?
+	If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
+	You can't fool me.  I know what you're thinking.
+	If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
+%
+Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
+say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...
+
+	Do as I say, not as I do.
+	Do me a favour and don't tell me about it.  I don't want to know.
+	What did you do *this* time?
+	If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you.
+	When I was your age...
+	I won't love you if you keep doing that.
+	Think of all the starving children in India.
+	If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.
+	I'm going to kill you.
+	Way to go, clumsy.
+	If you don't like it, you can lump it.
+%
+Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
+say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...
+
+	Go away.  You bother me.
+	Why?   Because life is unfair.
+	That's a nice drawing.  What is it?
+	Children should be seen and not heard.
+	You'll be the death of me.
+	You'll understand when you're older.
+	Because.
+	Wipe that smile off your face.
+	I don't believe you.
+	How many times have I told you to be careful?
+	Just beacuse.
+%
+Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
+say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...
+
+	Good children always obey.
+	Quit acting so childish.
+	Boys don't cry.
+	If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way.
+	Why do you have to know so much?
+	This hurts me more than it hurts you.
+	Why?  Because I'm bigger than you.
+	Well, you've ruined everything.  Now are you happy?
+	Oh, grow up.
+	I'm only doing this because I love you.
+%
+Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
+say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...
+
+	When are you going to grow up?
+	I'm only doing this for your own good.
+	Why are you crying?  Stop crying, or I'll give you something to
+		cry about.
+	What's wrong with you?
+	Someday you'll thank me for this.
+	You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
+	Don't you have any sense at all?
+	If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
+	Why?  Because I said so.
+	I hope you have a kid just like yourself.
+%
+Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
+say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...
+
+	You wouldn't understand.
+	You ask too many questions.
+	In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders.
+	That's for me to know and you to find out.
+	Don't let those bullies push you around.  Go in there and stick
+		up for yourself.
+	You're acting too big for your britches.
+	Well, you broke it.  Now are you satisfied?
+	Wait till your father gets home.
+	Bored?  If you're bored, I've got some chores for you.
+	Shape up or ship out.
+%
+Are you making all this up as you go along?
+%
+"Are you police officers?"
+"No, ma'am.  We're musicians."
+		-- The Blues Brothers
+%
+Are you sure the back door is locked?
+%
+"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
+"No, Ma'am.  Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
+%
+"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
+No, Ma'am.  Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
+		-- Monty Python
+%
+Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
+Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
+Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
+Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
+Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
+Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
+	or so pencils from marking the cloth?
+Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
+Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do?
+Is Batman your hero?  Superman?  Green Lantern?  The Shadow?
+Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?
+
+	Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
+0-2  -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
+3-5  -- There is hope for you yet.
+6-7  -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
+8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
+11+  -- Does suicide seem attractive?
+%
+Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
+		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+%
+Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone
+in good society holds exactly the same opinion.
+		-- O. Wilde
+%
+Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
+%
+ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
+	You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt.  You are
+	quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.  You are not
+	very nice.
+%
+ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19)
+	You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person
+	and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've
+	got a mean streak in you a mile wide.
+%
+ARITHMETIC:
+	An obscure art no longer practiced in
+	the world's developed countries.
+%
+Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
+		-- Mickey Mouse
+%
+ARMADILLO:
+	To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
+%
+Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh
+autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet
+Union.
+		-- P.J. O'Rourke
+%
+Armor's Axiom:
+	Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.
+%
+Armstrong's Collection Law:
+	If the check is truly in the mail,
+	it is surely made out to someone else.
+%
+Arnold's Addendum:
+	Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
+%
+Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
+	1.) If it should exist, it doesn't.
+	2.) If it does exist, it's out of date.
+	3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
+	    first two laws.
+%
+Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote
+a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux."  Aside from
+one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work
+to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death.
+(He died in 1921.)
+	Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth,
+flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this
+fantasy...
+	What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung?
+And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw?  (This
+instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!)  Then the
+piece would be better known as:
+	SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"!
+%
+Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's
+incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."
+		-- Muad'dib, "Dune"
+%
+Art is a jealous mistress.
+		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.
+		-- Picasso
+%
+Art is anything you can get away with.
+		-- Marshall McLuhan.
+%
+Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.
+		-- Chazal
+%
+Art is the tree of life.  Science is the tree of death.
+%
+Arthur's Laws of Love:
+	1.  People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
+	    remind them of someone else.
+	2.  The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
+	    be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
+	    of yourself in person.
+%
+Article the Third:
+	Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should
+	enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change.  Public announcements and
+	guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary.
+Article the Fourth:
+	The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee"
+	and not the "feeder".  Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's
+	face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war.
+Article the Fifth:
+	Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church,
+	a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the
+	lights are out.  They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have
+	to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
+		-- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights"
+%
+Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as
+artificial flowers have to flowers.
+		-- David Parnas
+%
+Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
+%
+As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
+%
+As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
+interested in the basic nature of humor.  "What kind of a sick perverted
+disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, "that you make
+jokes about setting fire to a goat?" 
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I
+thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
+This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
+		-- M. Cartmill
+%
+As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and
+I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
+This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
+		-- Matt Cartmill
+%
+As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty,
+and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a
+scientist.  This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
+		-- M. Cartmill
+%
+As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing
+a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
+Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different
+glass.
+	The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out
+with a spoon,  flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.
+	The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips.  With
+a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer
+down in one gulp.
+	Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the
+fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off.  Then, in a
+firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound.
+NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
+%
+As crazy as hauling timber into the woods.
+		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp
+the meaning of existence.  Both make one feel like a baby clutching at
+a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.
+		-- Joseph Brodsky
+%
+As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain;
+and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
+		-- Einstein
+%
+As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
+		-- Weisert
+%
+As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
+		-- Shakespeare, "King Lear"
+%
+As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em,
+We may live with, but cannot live without 'em.
+		-- Frederic Reynolds
+%
+As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
+of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
+		-- J.F. Kennedy
+%
+As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
+%
+As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought
+the potato salad.
+%
+As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of
+religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the
+methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions --
+to anything -- less likely.  Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven
+years, left the sect he was associated with.  The problem is that once the
+untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy --
+and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and
+high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are
+suprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
+		-- Steve Allen
+%
+As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
+pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
+	-- Jack Handey
+%
+As I thought, no better from this side.
+		-- Eeyore
+%
+As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
+	Feeling worse and worser,
+There I met a C.R.T.
+	And it drop't me a cursor.
+
+C.R.T., C.R.T.,
+	Phosphors light on you!
+If I had fifty hours a day
+	I'd spend them all at you.
+		-- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
+%
+As I was passing Project MAC,
+I met a Quux with seven hacks.
+Every hack had seven bugs;
+Every bug had seven manifestations;
+Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
+Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
+How many losses at Project MAC?
+%
+As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
+I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
+The words were torn and tattered,
+From the storm the night before,
+The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes,
+
+Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer,
+Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear,
+Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar,
+And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star.
+
+Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigedaire,
+Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear,
+Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three,
+And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea.
+%
+As in certain cults it is possible to
+kill a process if you know its true name.
+		-- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
+%
+As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into
+smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different
+in the fragmented world of IBM.  That realm is now a chaos of conflicting
+norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control.  You can buy a
+computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by
+IBM itself.  Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish
+standards of their own.  When IBM recently abandoned some of its original
+standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan
+allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive
+innovator.  Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and
+imagery.  IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures.  Graven
+images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies
+on the austerity of the word.
+		-- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
+%
+As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
+industries are secure.  We hear about constitutional rights, free speech
+and the free press.  Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That
+man is a Red, that man is a Communist".  You never hear a real American
+talk like that.
+		-- Frank Hague, 1896-1956
+%
+As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
+%
+As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic 
+schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve 
+The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
+%
+As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.
+When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
+		-- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions"
+%
+As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
+One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
+useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
+
+Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
+
+ 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
+ 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse.
+ 3. Some people never look at me.
+ 4. Spinach makes me feel alone.
+ 5. My sex life is A-okay.
+ 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
+ 7. I like to kill mosquitoes.
+ 8. Cousins are not to be trusted.
+ 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down.
+10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating.
+11. I think most people would cry to gain a point.
+12. I cannot read or write.
+13. I am bored by thoughts of death.
+14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
+15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker.
+16. I am never startled by a fish.
+17. My mother's uncle was a good man.
+18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten.
+19. People who break the law are wise guys.
+20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
+%
+As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
+One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
+useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
+
+Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
+
+ 1. I think beavers work too hard.
+ 2. I use shoe polish to excess.
+ 3. God is love.
+ 4. I like mannish children.
+ 5. I have always been diturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
+ 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
+ 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
+ 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
+ 9. I believe I smell as good as most people.
+10. Frantic screams make me nervous.
+11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room
+    full of mice.
+12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
+13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease.
+14. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
+15. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
+16. My eyes are always cold.
+17. Cousins are not to be trusted.
+18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
+19. I am never startled by a fish.
+20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
+%
+As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape,
+The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape;
+It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field,
+An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel!
+Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie,
+Follow it through, me canny lad O;
+Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie,
+Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O!
+		-- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
+%
+As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.
+Please update your programs.
+%
+As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL.
+Please update your programs.
+%
+As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
+%
+As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of
+the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents:
+
+News articles that answer *your* questions, #1:
+
+	Newsgroups: comp.sources.d
+	Subject: how do I run C code received from sources
+	Keywords: C sources
+	Distribution: na
+
+	I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the
+	sources newsgroup.  I save the files, edit them to remove the
+	headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I
+	cannot get them to run.  (I have never written a C program before.)
+
+	Must they be compiled?  With what compiler?  How do I do this?  If
+	I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate
+	it explicitly with the > character?  Is there something else that
+	must be done?
+%
+As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs;
+a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
+		-- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service
+		   conversion to a new computer system.
+%
+As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
+I've got a little list -- I've got a little list
+Of society offenders who might well be underground
+And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed.
+		-- Koko, "The Mikado"
+%
+As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't
+as easy to get programs right as we had thought.  Debugging had to be
+discovered.  I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large
+part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in
+my own programs.
+		-- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949
+%
+As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably
+because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,
+bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete,
+or putatively less buggy.  The replacement of a working component by a new
+version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
+component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
+efficient test cases will usually be available.
+		-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 
+%
+As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
+as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
+but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have,
+with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his
+divinity.
+		-- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
+		-- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+As Will Rogers would have said,
+"There is no such things as a free variable."
+%
+As with most fine things, chocolate has its season.  There is a simple memory
+aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order
+chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the
+proper time for chocolate.
+		-- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
+%
+As you grow older, you will still do foolish things,
+but you will do them with much more enthusiasm.
+		-- The Cowboy
+%
+As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.
+		-- Dave "First Strike" Pare
+%
+As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
+%
+ASCII:
+	The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would
+	become computer literate.  Etymologically, the term has come down as
+	a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall
+	receive."
+		-- Robb Russon
+%
+ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
+%
+ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
+%
+Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
+If God won't have you, the devil must.
+%
+Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
+one went to Harvard).
+		-- Edgar R. Fiedler
+%
+Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you
+will pay only the station-to-station rate.
+		-- Howard Kandel
+%
+Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...
+if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
+%
+Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.
+		-- J.J. Gibson
+%
+Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
+		-- John Stuart Mill
+%
+Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she
+said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and
+released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her
+right cheek.  She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she
+learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball.  She told the
+writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your
+newspaper.  I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed.  *Especially* to
+bed.  Guys were after me like you can't believe.  That's when I started
+chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not
+as bad as this.  This is the worst chew in the world.  After this,
+everything else is peaches and cream."  The writers elected Gentleman Jim,
+the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted,
+and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he
+couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for
+two years?  God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman."
+		-- Garrison Keillor
+%
+Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a
+lamp-post how it feels about dogs.
+		-- Christopher Hampton
+%
+Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity
+and understanding of how computers work that it provides.
+		-- D. Gries
+%
+Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve.  Run
+with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened.  Keep
+the company of bums and you will become a bum.  Hang around with rich people
+and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.
+		-- Stanley Walker
+%
+Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus.
+%
+Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems.
+		-- D. Winker and F. Prosser
+%
+At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be
+solved.  The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will
+take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology
+available.  The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution.
+In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it.  There
+is only one solution, he says.  Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general
+relativity and all.  She replies, "What does that have to do with solving
+a computer problem?"
+	"Remember the twin paradox?"
+	After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very
+fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but
+that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course!  Leave the
+computer here, and accelerate the earth!"
+	The problem was so important that they did exactly that.  When
+the earth came back, they were presented with the answer:
+
+	IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card.
+%
+At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all
+my soul.  At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my
+ignorance upon the shore.
+		-- Kahlil Gibran
+%
+At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on
+the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is
+quite untrue in practice.  Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather
+than blinkers it.
+		-- G.L. Glegg, "The Design of Design"
+%
+At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers,
+a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
+		-- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985
+%
+At last I've found the girl of my dreams.  Last night she said to me,
+"Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie.
+		-- Strange de Jim
+%
+At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
+		-- J.B. White
+%
+At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
+thumb with a hammer.
+		-- Marshall Lumsden
+%
+At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
+especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
+-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
+in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
+after fact and reason.
+		-- John Keats
+%
+At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the
+coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick.
+		-- H.R. Gumby
+%
+At the end of your life there'll be a good rest,
+and no further activities are scheduled.
+%
+At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
+The image of Providing Nourishment.
+Thus the superior man is careful of his words
+And temperate in eating and drinking.
+%
+At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly
+contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre
+or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny
+of all ideas, old and new.  This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep
+nonsense.  Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the
+world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism:  The collective
+enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the
+field on track.
+		-- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection"
+%
+At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news
+to the patients.  The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to
+die in six months.  Go in and tell him."  The intern boldly walks into the
+room, over to the man's bedisde and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
+The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot.  The doctor
+grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
+You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject.  Now this man in
+213 has about a week to live.  Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me,
+gently!"
+	The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily
+opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs
+his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!"  "Wonderful day, no?  Say...
+guess who's going to die soon!"
+%
+At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find
+at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
+%
+At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.
+		-- Peter G. Alaquon
+%
+At times discretion should be thrown aside,
+and with the foolish we should play the fool.
+		-- Menander
+%
+At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
+number of pens that person is carrying.
+%
+Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
+%
+ATLANTA:
+	An entire city surrounded by an airport.
+%
+Atlee is a very modest man.  And with reason.
+		-- Winston Churchill
+%
+Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda
+decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a
+lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many
+suspects who are innocent of a crime.  That's contradictory.  If a person
+is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect."
+		-- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85
+%
+AUCTION:
+	A gyp off the old block.
+%
+Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.
+		-- G.J. Danton
+%
+audophile, n:
+	Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.
+%
+Auribus teneo lupum.
+[I hold a wolf by the ears.]
+%
+AUTHENTIC:
+	Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
+%
+Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children.
+		-- Michael Joseph, "Observer"
+%
+AUTOMOBILE:
+	A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
+%
+Avec!
+%
+Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
+%
+Avoid cliches like the plague.
+They're a dime a dozen.
+%
+Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
+%
+Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
+%
+Avoid reality at all costs.
+%
+Avoid revolution or expect to get shot.  Mother and I will grieve, but
+we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you. 
+		-- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
+%
+Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
+%
+Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
+ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
+to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
+mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
+in 1959.
+		-- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
+		   bad fiction contest.
+%
+[Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching.
+		-- Tris Speaker, 1921
+%
+BACCHUS:
+	A convenient deity invented by the ancients
+	as an excuse for getting drunk.
+%
+BACHELOR:
+	A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
+%
+BACHELOR:
+	A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.
+%
+Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears
+that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations.  Foreign
+correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were
+invaded.  They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the
+West and the Soviets invade from the East?  Who will you fight first?"
+	To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first.
+Business before pleasure."
+%
+Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons.  Some
+military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people
+who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks.
+Since in those days, only Western Electric  made "data sets" (modems) the
+problems of terminology were all Bell System.  We used to struggle with
+written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people
+(most phones were rotary then.)  Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering
+types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were
+the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote
+the "pound sign."  Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out.  It
+never really caught on.
+%
+Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, 
+uphill both ways and it was always snowing.
+%
+Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, uphill both ways
+and it was always snowing.
+%
+BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
+	Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
+%
+Bacons not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.
+%
+BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!
+%
+Bad men live that they may eat and drink,
+whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.
+		-- Socrates
+%
+Bagdikian's Observation:
+	Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper
+	is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele.
+%
+Bahdges?  We don't need no stinkin' bahdges!
+		-- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"
+%
+Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
+	A block grant is a solid mass of money
+	surrounded on all sides by governors.
+%
+BALLISTOPHOBIA:
+	Fear of bullets;
+OTOPHOBIA:
+	Fear of opening one's eyes.
+PECCATOPHOBIA:
+	Fear of sinning.
+TAPHEPHOBIA:
+	Fear of being buried alive.
+SITOPHOBIA:
+	Fear of food.
+TRICHOPHOBIA:
+	Fear of hair.
+VESTIPHOBIA:
+	Fear of clothing.
+%
+BALTIMORE:
+	A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp.
+%
+Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
+%
+Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:
+	The hippo has no sting, but the wise
+	man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
+%
+Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.
+%
+Barach's Rule:
+	An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
+%
+Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:
+	(1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes
+	    and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
+	(2) When you finally buy pretty stationary
+	    to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
+%
+Barker's Proof:
+	Proofreading is more effective after publication.
+%
+BAROMETER:
+	An ingenious instrument which indicates
+	what kind of weather we are having.
+%
+Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
+		-- Tom Lehrer
+%
+Baseball is a skilled game.  It's America's game -- it, and high taxes.
+		-- Will Rogers
+%
+Baseball is a skilled game.  It's America's game - it, and high taxes.
+	-- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
+Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
+
+	(1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
+	(2) Advising the President.
+	(3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
+		-- David Letterman
+%
+BASIC:
+	A programming language.  Related to certain social diseases
+	in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
+%
+Basic Definitions of Science:
+	If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
+	If it stinks, it's chemistry.
+	If it doesn't work, it's physics.
+%
+Basic is a high level languish.
+%
+BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.
+		-- Seymour Papert
+%
+Basically my wife was immature.  I'd be at home in the bath and she'd
+come in and sink my boats.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+Batteries not included.
+%
+Battle, n:
+	A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that
+	will not yield to the tongue.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Be a better psychiatrist and the world
+will beat a psychopath to your door.
+%
+BE A LOOF!  (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)
+%
+BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...)
+%
+Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
+		-- Homer
+%
+Be careful!  Is it classified?
+%
+Be careful!  UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
+%
+Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or
+situations that can't bear inspection.
+%
+Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours.
+		-- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name"
+%
+Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
+%
+Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
+		-- Derek Bok
+%
+Be cautious in your daily affairs.
+%
+Be cheerful while you are alive.
+		-- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
+%
+Be circumspect in your liaisons with women.  It is better
+to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman.
+		-- De Maintenon
+%
+Be different: conform.
+%
+Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse
+the issue afterwards.
+%
+Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!
+Things won't get any better so get used to it.
+%
+Be incomprehensible.  If they can't understand, they can't disagree.
+%
+Be independent.
+Insult a rich relative today.
+%
+Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes;
+nothing is safe while the legislature is in session.
+%
+Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down.
+		-- Wilson Mizner
+%
+Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
+		-- Pope St. Gregory I
+%
+Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.
+%
+Be prepared to accept sacrifices.
+Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
+%
+Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent
+and original in your work.
+		-- Flaubert
+%
+Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake.
+%
+Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
+%
+Be sociable.
+Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
+%
+Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.
+%
+Be valiant, but not too venturous.
+Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
+		-- John Lyly
+%
+Beam me up, Scotty!
+%
+Beam me up, Scotty!  It ate my phaser!
+%
+Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!
+%
+Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.
+%
+BEAUTY:
+	What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
+%
+Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
+%
+Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
+%
+Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.
+		-- Jean Anouilh
+%
+Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all
+Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
+		-- John Keats
+%
+Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
+		-- Redd Foxx
+%
+Because I do,
+Because I do not hope,
+Because I do not hope to survive
+Injustice from the Palace, death from the air,
+Because I do, only do,
+I continue...
+		-- T.S. Pynchon
+%
+Because the wine remembers.
+%
+Because we don't think about future generations,
+they will never forget us.
+		-- Henrik Tikkanen
+%
+Been through hell?
+What did you bring back for me?
+%
+Been Transferred Lately?
+%
+Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.
+%
+Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.
+%
+Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
+		-- Addison H. Hallock
+%
+Before destruction a man's heart is
+haughty, but humility goes before honour.
+		-- Psalms 18:12
+%
+...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech
+or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility.  What
+did it matter what anyone knew or ignored?  What did it matter who was
+manager?  One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of
+this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my
+power of meddling.
+		-- Joseph Conrad
+%
+Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
+%
+Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage
+they are "Let's eat out."
+%
+Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
+%
+Before you ask more questions, think about whether
+you really want to know the answers.
+		-- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
+%
+Beggar to well-dressed businessman:
+	"Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"
+%
+Beggars should be no choosers.
+		-- John Heywood
+%
+Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
+%
+Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
+%
+Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
+%
+Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which
+is but a manner of saying,  "Scatter your money and  your attention"; but
+the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that
+basket!"
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Behold the unborn foetus and
+	Weep salt tears crocodilian;
+All life is sacred (save, of course,
+	An enemy civilian).
+%
+Behold the warranty -- the bold print
+giveth and the fine print taketh away.
+%
+Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
+%
+Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and
+stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very
+opposite applies with the judges.
+		-- Beyond the Fringe
+%
+Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade,
+since it consists principally of dealings with men.
+		-- Conrad
+%
+Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome
+to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party.  And yet another guest went over
+and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?"
+	"Not too well," said the expectant mother.  "You know, I've missed
+seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."
+%
+Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real
+disasters in life begin when you get what you want.
+%
+Being in politics is like being a football coach.  You have to be smart
+enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
+		-- Eugene McCarthy
+%
+Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the
+Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
+		-- Blake Clark
+%
+Being owned by someone used to be called
+slavery -- now it's called commitment.
+%
+Being popular is important.  Otherwise people might not like you.
+%
+Being stoned on marijuana isn't very
+different from being stoned on gin.
+		-- Ralph Nader
+%
+Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to
+standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons.
+		-- unamed Justice Department official
+%
+Being ugly isn't illegal.  Yet.
+%
+belief, n:
+	Something you do not believe.
+%
+Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too
+impossibly bad.
+		-- Honore DeBalzac
+%
+Bell Labs Unix - Reach out and grep someone.
+%
+Ben, why didn't you tell me?
+		-- Luke Skywalker
+%
+Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
+	(1)  Houses are for people to live in.
+	(2)  Gardens are for plants to live in.
+	(3)  There is no such thing as a houseplant.
+%
+Benson's Dogma:
+	ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
+%
+Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and
+none of his friends like him either.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk.  He'd been
+transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival.  Founded in
+Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination fo MBH by non-WASPs had taken
+place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental
+surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew.  Yet,
+MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District.
+For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish."  It was
+rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious:
+"Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them,
+after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?"
+	"I rilly don't know," said Bernard.
+	"Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?"
+	"The doctus?  Nah, the doctus I can't complain."
+	"The test or the room?"
+	"The tests or the room?  Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
+	"The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no.
+Fats laughed and said, "Listen , Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
+great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you
+tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.'  So why did you come here?  Why, Bernie,
+why?"
+	"Vhy I come heah?  Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain."
+		-- House of God
+%
+Bershere's Formula for Failure:
+	There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who
+	listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.
+%
+Besides the device, the box should contain:
+	* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
+	* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
+		club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
+
+YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
+
+IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse
+and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get
+all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major
+transmission overhaul?  Because nobody cares, that's why."
+
+WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969
+judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who
+doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American
+history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor
+at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of
+them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our
+victuals being spent and especially our beer."
+	-- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual
+%
+Best Mistakes In Films
+	In his "Filgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists
+four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all
+possible.
+	In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a
+street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window.
+	In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned
+with television aerials.
+	In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his
+fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill
+in the background.
+	In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is
+clearly visible on one of the leading characters.
+		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+Best of all is never to have been born.
+Second best is to die soon.
+%
+beta test, v:
+	To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
+	sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
+	In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.
+%
+Better by far you should forget and
+smile than that you should remember and be sad.
+		-- Christina Rossetti
+%
+Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come
+around while you have your life in such a mess.
+%
+Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.
+%
+Better late than never.
+		-- Titus Livius (Livy)
+%
+Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
+%
+Better the prince of some inferior court,
+Than second, or less, in beatific light.
+		-- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer"
+%
+Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.
+%
+Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
+		-- motto of the Christopher Society
+%
+Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
+%
+Better tried by twelve than carried by six.
+		-- Jeff Cooper
+%
+Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay,
+left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate.  Using a
+bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort
+pushing boulders into a single word.
+	It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
+Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
+equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
+destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both
+Parliament and Party.
+	It stands today, a monument to human spirit.  If life exists on other
+planets, this may be the first message received from us.
+		-- The Realist, November, 1964.
+%
+Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
+%
+Between infinite and short there is a big difference.
+		-- G.H. Gonnet
+%
+Between the idea
+And the reality
+Between the motion
+And the act
+Falls the Shadow
+		-- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man"
+
+	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+	 referring to system service dispatching.]
+%
+BEWARE!  People acting under the influence of human nature.
+%
+Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
+%
+Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
+%
+Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
+%
+Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather
+a new wearer of clothes.
+		-- Henry David Thoreau
+%
+Beware of Bigfoot!
+%
+Beware of bugs in the above code;
+I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
+		-- D. Knuth
+%
+Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
+%
+Beware of geeks bearing graft.
+%
+Beware of low-flying butterflies.
+%
+Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies.  The
+danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with
+the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.
+		-- St. Augustine
+%
+Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
+		-- Leonard Brandwein
+%
+Beware of strong drink. It can make you
+shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
+		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
+%
+Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
+%
+"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds
+himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us.  "He is full of murderous
+resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their
+ignorance the hard way."
+		-- Vonnegut
+%
+Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything
+is possible but nothing of interest is easy.
+%
+Beware the new TTY code!
+%
+Beware the one behind you.
+%
+bi, n:
+	When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.
+%
+Bierman's Laws of Contracts:
+	(1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
+	(2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
+	(3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
+%
+Big book, big bore.
+		-- Callimachus
+%
+Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice
+Are making midnight music in the moonlight,
+Mighty nice!
+%
+Bigamy is having one spouse too many.  Monogamy is the same.
+%
+Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.
+%
+Bilbo's First Law:
+	You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.
+%
+Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.
+		-- Yogi Berra in his rookie season.
+%
+Billy:	Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
+	generation to generation?
+Mom:	Yes?
+Billy:	Well, this generation dropped it.
+%
+Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
+and you'll be Gary, Indiana.
+		-- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace"
+%
+Bing's Rule:
+	Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.
+%
+Biology grows on you.
+%
+Biology is the only science in which
+multiplication means the same thing as division.
+%
+Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black
+nightgowns do with keeping warm.
+		-- Hester Mundis, "Powermom"
+%
+Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.
+%
+birth, n:
+	The first and direst of all disasters.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.
+%
+Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the
+behavior of numbers.  Just as Einstein observed that space was not an
+absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that
+time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in
+time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend
+on the observer's movement in restaurants.
+		-- Douglas Adams
+%
+bit, n:
+	A unit of measure applied to color.  Twenty-four-bit color
+	refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25
+	cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years
+	ago.
+%
+Bit off more than my mind could chew,
+Shower or suicide, what do I do?
+		-- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?"
+%
+Biz is better.
+%
+Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
+%
+Black people have never rioted.  A riot is what white people think blacks
+are involved in when they burn stores.
+		-- Julius Lester
+%
+Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies,
+Shy little angels as gentle as puppies,
+Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish,
+They were just some of my tropical fish.
+
+Then I got mantas that sting in the water,
+Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter,
+Savage male betas that bite with a squish,
+Now I have many less tropical fish.
+
+	If you think that
+	Fish are peaceful
+	That's an empty wish.
+	Just dump them together
+	And leave them alone,
+	And soon you will have -- no fish.
+		-- To My Favorite Things
+%
+Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide,
+The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side,
+A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide,
+She wants to hit those bricks,
+	'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline,
+While the millionaires hide in Beekman place,
+The bag ladies throw their bones in my face,
+I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound,
+I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down...
+		-- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
+%
+Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.
+%
+Blessed are the forgetful:  for they
+get the better even of their blunders.
+		-- Nietzsche
+%
+Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
+%
+Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
+		-- Herbert Hoover
+%
+Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded
+to say it.
+		-- James Russell Lowell
+%
+Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles,
+for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
+%
+Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
+		-- W.C. Bennett
+%
+Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
+		-- Alexander Pope
+%
+Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,
+for he shall enjoy living.
+		-- W.C. Bennett
+%
+Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
+abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
+		-- George Eliot
+%
+Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
+		-- David Nichols
+%
+blithwapping:
+	Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the
+	wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
+%
+Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:
+	The judge's jokes are always funny.
+%
+Blow it out your ear.
+%
+Blue paint today.
+		[Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson.  Ed.]
+%
+Blutarsky's Axiom:
+	Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
+%
+Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.
+%
+Boling's postulate:
+	If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.
+%
+Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
+	Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
+	vividly manifests their lack of progress.
+%
+Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them
+seemed to come from Texas.
+		-- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
+%
+Bondage maybe, discipline never!
+		-- T.K.
+%
+Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!"
+%
+Boob's Law:
+	You always find something in the last place you look.
+%
+Booker's Law:
+	An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
+%
+Bore, n:
+	A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+boss, n:
+	According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the
+	words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
+	in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
+	ornamental stud."
+%
+Boston:
+	An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic.
+%
+Boston:
+	Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports
+	fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
+%
+Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and
+interface circuit details.  The two models, however, are not compatible
+on the same communications line connection.
+		-- Bell System Technical Reference
+%
+Boucher's Observation:
+	He who blows his own horn always plays the music
+	several octaves higher than originally written.
+%
+Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.
+		-- Ralph Lewin
+%
+Bower's Law:
+	Talent goes where the action is.
+%
+Bowie's Theorem:
+	If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
+%
+Boy!  Eucalyptus!
+%
+Boy, get your head out of the stars above,
+You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
+Save your heart and let your body be enough,
+To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
+Save your heart and let your body be enough,
+And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
+		-- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love"
+%
+Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the
+'Advanced Systems Development' group!
+%
+boy, n:
+	A noise with dirt on it.
+%
+Boy, that crayon sure did hurt!
+%
+Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
+%
+Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
+		-- Kin Hubbard
+%
+Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others.  Bozos are people who band
+together for fun and profit.  They have no jobs.  Anybody who goes on a
+tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street?  Because there's a Bozo
+on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others.
+They're the huge, fat, middle waist.  The archetype is an Irish drunk
+clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin.  Fields, William Bendix.
+Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness.  It has Oz in it.  They mean
+well.  They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes.  They
+like their comforts.  The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time,
+which is all the time.
+		-- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head"
+%
+Brace yourselves.  We're about to try something that borders on the unique:
+an actually rather serious technical book which is not only (gasp) vehemently
+anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides.  I tend to think of it as
+`Constructive Snottiness.'
+		-- Mike Padlipsky, "Elements of Networking Style"
+%
+Bradley's Bromide:
+	If computers get too powerful, we can organize
+	them into a committee -- that will do them in.
+%
+Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
+	When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
+	easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
+	have handled this?"
+%
+Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no
+wiser.  But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.
+		-- The Mahabharata
+%
+Brain fried -- core dumped
+%
+brain, n:
+	The apparatus with which we think that we think.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+brain, v: [as in "to brain"]
+	To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source
+	of error in an opponent.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a
+theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in
+Multics, adj:
+	Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented.  There is an implication
+	that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage,
+	because he/she should have known better.  Calling something
+	brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
+%
+Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
+is my choice for team captain.  Cincinnatti was beating us 3-1, and I led
+off the bottom of the eighth with a walk.  The next hitter banged a hard
+single to right field.  Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
+kept going, sliding safely into third base.
+	With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at
+bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first.
+Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy
+took off for second and made it.  Now we had runners at second and third.
+	I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy
+start to take a lead.  All of a sudden, here he comes.  He makes a great slide
+into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?"  He looks up, and
+shouts, "Back to second if I can make it."
+		-- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
+%
+Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.
+		-- Charles Lamb
+%
+Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science.
+		-- Randy Goebel
+%
+Break into jail and claim police brutality.
+%
+Breathe deep the gathering gloom.
+Watch lights fade from every room.
+Bed-sitter people look back and lament;
+another day's useless energies spent.
+
+Impassioned lovers wrestle as one.
+Lonely man cries for love and has none.
+New mother picks up and suckles her son.
+Senior citizens wish they were young.
+
+Cold-hearted orb that rules the night;
+Removes the colors from our sight.
+Red is grey and yellow white.
+But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion."
+		-- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed"
+%
+Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
+%
+bride, n:
+	A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
+%
+Bridge ahead.  Pay troll.
+%
+briefcase, n:
+	A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
+%
+Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of
+data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover
+an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order
+and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation
+which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation
+in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct
+hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to
+construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to
+assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves
+only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity
+of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978).  In the
+analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to
+appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses.
+		-- A. Benjamin
+%
+Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati
+	girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba;
+i borogovi eran tutti mimanti
+	e la moma radeva fuorigraba.
+
+"Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco,
+	dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante;
+fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco
+	metti infine il frumioso Bandifante".
+		-- "The Jabberwock"
+%
+Bringing computers into the home won't change
+either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.
+%
+Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers.  There is, indeed, no wild beast
+more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate.
+If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if
+brusque, your character.
+		-- Jonathan Swift
+%
+British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive
+it.  If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
+		-- Peter Ustinov
+%
+British Israelites:
+	The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to
+be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria
+on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future
+can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably
+means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs.  They also
+believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come
+and take all your teeth.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+broad-mindedness, n:
+	The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
+%
+Brogan's Constant:
+	People tend to congregate in the back
+	of the church and the front of the bus.
+%
+brokee, n:
+	Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.
+%
+Brooke's Law:
+	Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
+	discovers something which either abolishes the system or
+	expands it beyond recognition.
+%
+BS:	You remind me of a man.
+B:	What man?
+BS:	The man with the power.
+B:	What power?
+BS:	The power of voodoo.
+B:	Voodoo?
+BS:	You do.
+B:	Do what?
+BS:	Remind me of a man.
+B:	What man?
+BS:	The man with the power...
+		-- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer"
+%
+Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.
+%
+Bucy's Law:
+	Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
+%
+Bug:
+	An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
+	The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends
+	when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
+%
+bug, n:
+	An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
+	The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends
+	when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
+		-- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
+%
+Build a system that even a fool can use
+and only a fool will want to use it.
+%
+Building translators is good clean fun.
+		-- T. Cheatham
+%
+Bullwinkle:	You just leave that to my pal.  He's the brains of the outfit.
+General:	What does that make YOU?
+Bullwinkle:	What else?  An executive.
+%
+Bumper sticker:
+	All the parts falling off this car are
+	of the very finest British manufacture.
+%
+Bunker's Admonition:
+	You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
+%
+BURBULATION:
+	The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in
+	an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Bureau Termination, Law of:
+	When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out,
+	the number of employees in that bureau will double within
+	12 months after the decision is made.
+%
+bureaucracy, n:
+	A method for transforming energy into solid waste.
+%
+bureaucrat, n:
+	A politician who has tenure.
+%
+Burke's Postulates:
+	Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
+	Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
+%
+Burnt Sienna.  That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
+		-- Ken Weaver
+%
+Bus error -- driver executed.
+%
+Bus error -- please leave by the rear door.
+%
+Bushydo -- the way of the shrub.  Bonsai!
+%
+Business is a good game -- lots of competition
+and minimum of rules.  You keep score with money.
+		-- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
+%
+Business will be either better or worse.
+		-- Calvin Coolidge
+%
+...but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be
+proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge
+to mankind.  The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women 
+were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still 
+unimpeachable.  The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and 
+in law.  Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than
+the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death.  If
+there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute
+of value.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!
+%
+But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
+%
+But has any little atom,
+	While a-sittin' and a-splittin',
+Ever stopped to think or CARE
+	That E = m c**2 ?
+%
+"But Huey, you PROMISED!"
+"Tell 'em I lied."
+%
+But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.
+I meant no harm;  I just liked the explosions.  And I was careful never to
+kill more than I could eat.
+		-- Raoul Duke
+%
+But I don't like Spam!!!!
+%
+"But I don't want to go on the cart..."
+"Oh, don't be such a baby!"
+"But I'm feeling much better..."
+"No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"
+		-- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
+%
+But I find the old notions somehow appealing.  Not that I want to go
+back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you
+what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous
+to hold reason higher than body or feeling.  Still there is something
+true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or
+theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to.  We might
+even, if we thought this way, have less crime.  The popular view of
+crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is
+that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away
+with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not
+everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it.  It
+therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such
+arrogance down.
+		-- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room"
+%
+But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand.  Human
+intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
+we can tell.  If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
+that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
+of their world, not in their distorted perceptions.  Even the standard
+example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
+makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
+whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
+finite or an infinite number.
+		-- S.J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
+%
+But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable
+nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
+		-- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge"
+%
+But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
+system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
+analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
+		-- Bruce Leverett,
+		"Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
+%
+But it does move!
+		-- Galileo Galilei
+%
+But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!
+%
+But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
+In proving foresight may be vain:
+The best laid schemes o' mice an' men
+Gang aft a-gley,
+An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain
+For promised joy.
+	-- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785
+%
+But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!
+%
+But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
+%
+But scientists, who ought to know
+Assure us that it must be so.
+Oh, let us never, never doubt
+What nobody is sure about.
+		-- Hilaire Belloc
+%
+But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day.
+%
+But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than 
+frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?  
+		-- M. Proust
+%
+But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
+Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
+But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
+		-- Mark "The Bard" Twain
+%
+But these pills can't be habit forming;
+I've been taking them for years.
+%
+But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
+place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
+Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge?  What
+is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not
+enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?
+Have I explained yet about the bytes?
+%
+But you shall not escape my iambics.
+		-- Gaius Valerius Catullus
+%
+But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical
+reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than
+those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature.
+		-- Leonardo Da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds"
+%
+Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
+Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
+Less dear than army ants in apple pies
+Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
+Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
+Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
+They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
+Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
+Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
+And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
+Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
+Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
+Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
+Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
+%
+buzzword, n:
+	The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
+%
+By doing just a little every day, you can
+gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.
+%
+By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
+%
+By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other
+designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun.
+		-- P.J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April
+		   Fool's column.
+%
+By nature, men are nearly alike;
+by practice, they get to be wide apart.
+		-- Confucius
+%
+By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
+In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
+as it is to invent.
+		-- R. Emerson
+		-- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
+		(whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
+		[to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
+		misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"  Ed.]
+%
+By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.
+		-- Charles Spurgeon
+%
+By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
+		-- Titus Lucretius Carus
+%
+By the time you swear you're his,
+shivering and sighing
+and he vows his passion is
+infinite, undying --
+Lady, make a note of this:
+One of you is lying.
+		-- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence"
+%
+By the yard, life is hard.
+By the inch, it's a cinch.
+%
+By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.
+Another man's, I mean.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+By working faithfully eight hours a day,
+you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.
+		-- Robert Frost
+%
+byob, v:
+	Believing Your Own Bull
+%
+Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
+point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
+fast.  People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
+often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
+from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
+that so many people from point B are so keen to get there.  They often
+wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
+they wanted to be.
+		-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
+%
+BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
+carefully print the chaff.
+%
+Byte your tongue.
+%
+C Code.
+C Code Run.
+Run, Code, RUN!
+	PLEASE!!!!
+%
+C for yourself.
+%
+C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.
+%
+C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot.  C++ makes that
+harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
+		-- Bjarne Stroustrup
+%
+C, n:
+	A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like
+	assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything
+	else.  It is either the best language available to the art today, or
+	it isn't.
+		-- Ray Simard
+%
+cabbage, n:
+	A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
+	a man's head.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Cache:
+	A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one
+	is supposed to know is there.
+%
+Cahn's Axiom:
+	When all else fails, read the instructions.
+%
+California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
+		-- Fred Allen
+%
+Californians are a strange people.  They'll put every chemical known to God
+and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your
+coffee.
+%
+Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
+		-- Indian proverb
+%
+Call things by their right names...  Glass of brandy and water!  That is the
+current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled
+damnation.
+		-- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the
+		   Life of Hall"
+
+	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+	 referring to logical names.]
+%
+Calling J-Man Kink.  Calling J-Man Kink.  Hash missle sighted, target
+Los Angeles.  Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept.
+%
+Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!
+		-- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
+%
+Calm down, it's *only* ones and zeroes.
+%
+Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes,
+Calm down, it's only bits and bytes,
+Calm down, and speak to me in English,
+Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites.
+%
+Calvin:	"I wonder where we go when we die."
+Hobbes:	"Pittsburgh?"
+Calvin:	"You mean if we're good or if we're bad?"
+%
+Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
+		-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
+%
+Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man
+who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.
+		-- Clarence Darrow
+%
+Campbell's Law:
+	Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
+%
+Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me.
+%
+Can anyone remember when the times
+were not hard, and money not scarce?
+%
+Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished?
+Yes, work never begun.
+%
+Can you buy friendship?  You not only can, you must.  It's the
+only way to obtain friends.  Everything worthwhile has a price.
+		-- Robert J. Ringer
+%
+Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
+	It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
+
+Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:
+	A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
+%
+Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.
+It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.
+		-- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
+%
+CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
+	This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy,
+	but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are
+	poor and unhappy.  To tell you the truth, any day is tough
+	when you're poor and unhappy.
+%
+Canonical, adj.:
+	The usual or standard state or manner of something.  A true story:
+One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use
+of jargon.  Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as
+much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in.
+Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like
+fashion without thinking.
+	Steele: "Aha!  We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
+	Stallman: "What did he say?"
+	Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
+%
+Can't act.  Slightly bald.  Also dances.
+		-- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test.
+		   Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
+%
+Can't open /usr/fortunes.  Lid stuck on cookie jar.
+%
+Can't open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.dat.
+%
+Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for
+the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.
+		-- John Maynard Keynes
+%
+CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
+	Play your hunches.  This is a day when luck will play an important
+	part in your life.  If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much
+	luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either.  You are
+	a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers
+	don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.
+%
+CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
+	Follow your instincts.  You are much too scatterbrained to do anything
+	else, such as think.  Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget
+	it.  That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse.
+%
+CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
+	You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You don't do
+	much of anything and are lazy.  There has never been a Capricorn
+	of any importance.  Capricorns should avoid standing still for
+	too long as they tend to take root and become trees.
+%
+Captain Penny's Law:
+	You can fool all of the people some of the time, and
+	some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
+%
+Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5...
+%
+Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected.
+Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected,
+mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it
+takes.
+%
+Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print
+the name Craney incorrectly.
+		-- Jim Canrey
+%
+Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of
+fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture.  Of course,
+the same can be said of dirt.
+%
+carperpetuation, n:
+	The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen
+	times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting
+	it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Carson's Consolation:
+	Nothing is ever a complete failure.
+	It can always be used as a bad example.
+%
+Carson's Observation on Footwear:
+	If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
+%
+Carswell's Corollary:
+	Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap,
+	nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.
+%
+Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.
+		-- The Beach Boys
+%
+Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.
+		-- Howard Chaykin
+%
+Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.
+%
+Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
+		-- Garrison Keillor
+%
+Cats are smarter than dogs.  You can't make eight cats pull
+a sled through the snow.
+%
+Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.
+%
+Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
+		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson"
+%
+Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
+%
+Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
+%
+CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
+%
+CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...
+%
+Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
+%
+Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center
+of the universe.  The premise is wrong, but the navigation works.  An
+incorrect model can be a useful tool.
+		-- Kelvin Throop III
+%
+Census Taker to Housewife:
+Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
+%
+Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.
+%
+cerebral atrophy, n:
+	The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and
+impair the brain's performance.  An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause
+symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic
+performance.  A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to
+everday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort
+and the assimilation of difficult concepts.  Many college students become
+victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying.
+
+cerebral darwinism, n:
+	The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed
+through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption.  Large amounts of
+alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation.  Through
+the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die
+first, leaving only the healthy cells.  This wonderful process leaves the
+imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity.
+Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic
+performance actually increases beyond previous levels.
+%
+Cerebus:	I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
+Jaka:		Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you... something
+Cerebus:	If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out
+			of it?
+Jaka:		Oooh.
+Cerebus:	You don't like apricot brandy?
+		-- Cerebus, #6, "The Secret"
+%
+Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
+walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh.  They
+then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
+health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
+not because of their habits, but in spite of them.  The reason we find
+only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
+others who have tried it.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+
+Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the
+most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion.  A judge of the Court of
+Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which
+reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression
+nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would
+but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground
+nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)."
+		-- Guiness Book of World Records, 1973
+%
+Certainly the game is rigged.
+Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
+		-- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
+%
+Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
+But it's very funny --
+did you ever try buying them without money?
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!
+%
+C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique.
+		-- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]
+%
+CF&C stole it, fair and square.
+		-- Tim Hahn
+%
+Chairman of the Bored.
+%
+Chamberlain's Laws:
+	1: The big guys always win.
+	2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
+%
+Champagne don't make me lazy.  Cocaine don't drive me crazy.
+Ain't nobody's business but my own.
+		-- Taj Mahal
+%
+Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.
+		-- Anatole France
+%
+Change your thoughts and you change your world.
+%
+Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles.
+		-- Kathleen Norris
+%
+Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.
+%
+Chapter 1:
+	The story so far:
+	In the beginning the Universe was created.  This has made
+a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
+%
+Chapter 2:  Newtonian Growth and Decay
+
+	The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by
+Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg.  His idea was to provide an equation
+that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never
+quite reach zero.  Historically, he was merely trying to work out his
+mortgage.  Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define
+a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity.  This equation
+can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human
+race in general.
+%
+character density, n.:
+	The number of very weird people in the office.
+%
+Character is what you are in the dark!
+		-- Lord John Whorfin
+%
+CHARITY:
+	A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
+%
+Charity begins at home.
+		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
+%
+Charlie Brown:	Why was I put on this earth?
+Linus:		To make others happy.
+Charlie Brown:	Why were others put on this earth?
+%
+Charlie was a chemist,
+But Charlie is no more.
+What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
+%
+Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" --
+without having asked any clear question.
+%
+Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
+%
+Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...
+they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key!
+%
+checkuary, n:
+	The thirteenth month of the year.  Begins New Year's Day and ends
+	when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
+%
+Cheer Up!  Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
+%
+Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality.
+		-- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
+%
+Chef, n:
+	Any cook who swears in French.
+%
+Cheit's Lament:
+	If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
+	the next time he's in need.
+%
+CHEMICALS:
+	Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
+%
+Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.
+%
+Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.
+%
+Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
+%
+Cheops' Law:
+	Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
+%
+"Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please,
+		which way I ought to go from here?"
+"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
+"I don't care much where--" said Alice.
+"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
+%
+Chess tonight.
+%
+CHICAGO:
+	Where the dead still vote... early and often!
+%
+Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
+	Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
+headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
+		-- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
+%
+Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
+	The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
+for overheated passengers.  When your timer pops up, the driver will
+cheerfully baste you.
+		-- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
+%
+Chicagoan:	"So, where're you from?"
+Hoosier:	"What's wrong with Indiana?"
+%
+Chicken Little was right.
+%
+Chicken Soup:
+	An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
+	cocaine, interferon, and TLC.  The only ailment chicken soup
+	can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
+		-- Arthur Naiman
+%
+Chihuahuas drive me crazy.  I can't stand anything that
+shivers when it's warm.
+%
+Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like
+them.  That's when they come over and violate your body space.
+%
+Children are natural mimics who act like their parents
+despite every effort to teach them good manners.
+%
+Children are unpredictable.  You never know what inconsistency they're
+going to catch you in next.
+		-- Franklin P. Jones
+%
+Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
+And that's what parents were created for.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+Children begin by loving their parents.  After a time they judge them.
+Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually
+repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
+%
+Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
+		-- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
+%
+Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
+%
+Chism's Law of Completion:
+	The amount of time required to complete a government project is
+	precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
+%
+Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
+	When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
+%
+Chocolate Chip.
+%
+Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as
+a friend if she were a man.
+		-- Joubert
+%
+Chorus:
+	Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
+	Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
+	You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
+	But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
+She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
+And we begged her not to go.
+But she'd forgot her medication,	When we found her Christmas morning,
+And she staggered through the door	At the scene of the attack.
+	out in the snow.		She had hoofprints on her forehead,
+					And incriminating claus-marks on her
+Now we're all so proud of Grandpa,		back.
+He's been taking this so well.
+See him in there watching football.	I've warned all my friends and
+Drinking beer and playing cards			neighbors,
+	with cousin Mel.		Better watch out for yourselves!
+					They should never give a license,
+					To a man who drives a sleigh and
+						plays with elves!
+		-- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
+%
+Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him.
+%
+Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found
+difficult and not tried.
+		-- G.K. Chesterton
+%
+Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
+		-- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Christmas time is here, by Golly;	Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens;
+Disapproval would be folly;		Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens;
+Deck the halls with hunks of holly;	Even though the prospect sickens,
+Fill the cup and don't say when...	Brother, here we go again.
+
+On Christmas day, you can't get sore;	Relations sparing no expense'll,
+Your fellow man you must adore;		Send some useless old utensil,
+There's time to rob him all the more,	Or a matching pen and pencil,
+The other three hundred and sixty-four!	Just the thing I need... how nice.
+
+It doesn't matter how sincere		Hark The Herald-Tribune sings,
+It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit;	Advertising wondrous things.
+Sentiment will not endear it;		God Rest Ye Merry Merchants,
+What's important is... the price.	May you make the Yuletide pay.
+					Angels We Have Heard On High,
+Let the raucous sleighbells jingle;	Tell us to go out and buy.
+Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle,	Sooooo...
+Driving his reindeer across the sky,
+Don't stand underneath when they fly by!
+		-- Tom Lehrer
+%
+Churchill's Commentary on Man:
+	Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
+	but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
+%
+CIGARETTE:
+	A fire at one end, a fool at the other,
+	and a bit of tobacco in between.
+%
+CINEMUCK:
+	The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate
+	which covers the floors of movie theaters.
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
+		-- Herodotus
+%
+Civilization and profits go hand in hand.
+		-- Calvin Coolidge
+%
+Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening.
+See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information.
+%
+Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+clairvoyant, n.:
+	A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
+which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who
+aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy.
+		-- Samuel Johnson
+%
+Clarke's Conclusion:
+	Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
+%
+Class, that's the only thing that counts in life.  Class.
+Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead.
+		-- "Bugsy" Siegel
+%
+Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're
+leading the parade.
+		-- Bill Battie
+%
+Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
+		-- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings"
+%
+Clay's Conclusion:
+	Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
+%
+Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling
+the walk before it stops snowing.
+		-- Phyllis Diller
+
+There is no need to do any housework at all.  After the first four years
+the dirt doesn't get any worse.
+		-- Quentin Crisp
+%
+Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
+		-- P.J. O'Rourke
+%
+Cleanliness is next to impossible.
+%
+CLEVELAND:
+	Where their last tornado did six
+	million dollars worth of improvements.
+%
+Cleveland?
+Yes, I spent a week there one day.
+%
+Climate and Surgery
+	R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who
+received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at
+the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the
+day before - walking several blocks at a time.  To those who design to be
+riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially
+recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery.
+		-- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861
+%
+Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.
+	"Wait a minute.  Aren't you a string?"
+	"Well, yes, I am."
+	"Sorry.  We don't serve strings here."
+	The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by.  "Excuse,
+me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?"  The
+passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar.  "May I have a beer,
+please?" it asked the bartender.
+	The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.
+"Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
+	"No, I'm a frayed knot."
+%
+clone, n:
+	1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their
+	product."  2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product
+	is a clone of our product."
+%
+Clones are people two.
+%
+Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
+%
+Clothes make the man.
+Naked people have little or no influence on society.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
+	The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated
+	than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,
+	bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
+%
+Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
+Norm:  No, I know what they look like.  Just pour me one.
+		-- Cheers, No Help Wanted
+
+Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
+Norm:  Hey I'm high on life, Coach.  Of course, beer is my life.
+		-- Cheers, No Help Wanted
+
+Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
+Norm:  I dunno.  I usually finish them before they get a word in.
+		-- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
+%
+Coach: How's it going, Norm?
+Norm:  Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
+		-- Cheers, Truce or Consequences
+
+Sam:   What's up, Norm?
+Norm:  My nipples.  It's freezing out there.
+		-- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action
+
+Coach: What's the story, Norm?
+Norm:  Thirsty guy walks into a bar.  You finish it.
+		-- Cheers, Endless Slumper
+%
+Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
+Norm:  Daddy wuvs you.
+		-- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail
+
+Sam:  What'd you like, Normie?
+Norm: A reason to live.  Gimme another beer.
+		-- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man
+
+Sam:  What will you have, Norm?
+Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy.  I'll take a glass
+      of whatever comes out of that tap.
+Sam:  Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
+Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
+		-- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner
+%
+Coach: What's up, Norm?
+Norm:  Corners of my mouth, Coach.
+		-- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
+
+Coach:  What's shaking, Norm?
+Norm:   All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
+		-- Cheers, Snow Job
+
+Coach:  Beer, Normie?
+Norm:   Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.
+        Eh, why not, I'm still young.
+		-- Cheers, Snow Job
+%
+COBOL:
+	An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
+%
+COBOL:
+	Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.
+%
+COBOL is for morons.
+		-- E.W. Dijkstra
+%
+Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
+%
+COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
+%
+Coding is easy;  All you do is sit staring at a
+terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead.
+%
+Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
+I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Cohen's Law:
+	There is no bottom to worse.
+%
+Cohn's Law:
+	The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
+	time you have to do anything.  Stability is achieved when you spend
+	all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
+%
+Coincidences are spiritual puns.
+		-- G.K. Chesterton
+%
+COLD:
+	When the politicians walk around
+	with their hands in their own pockets.
+%
+Cold hands, no gloves.
+%
+Cole's Law:
+	Thinly sliced cabbage.
+%
+COLLABORATION:
+	A literary partnership based on the false
+	assumption that the other fellow can spell.
+%
+COLLEGE:
+	The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
+%
+College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
+faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
+the trustees played.  There would be a great increase in broken arms,
+legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
+loss to humanity.
+		-- H.L. Mencken
+%
+COLORADO:
+	Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel.
+%
+Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
+%
+Column 1		Column 2		Column 3
+
+0. integrated		0. management		0. options
+1. total		1. organizational	1. flexibility
+2. systematized		2. monitored		2. capability
+3. parallel		3. reciprocal		3. mobility
+4. functional		4. digital		4. programming
+5. responsive		5. logistical		5. concept
+6. optional		6. transitional		6. time-phase
+7. synchronized		7. incremental		7. projection
+8. compatible		8. third-generation	8. hardware
+9. balanced		9. policy		9. contingency
+
+	The procedure is simple.  Think of any three-digit number, then select
+the corresponding buzzword from each column.  For instance, number 257 produces
+"systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into
+virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority.  "No
+one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,
+"but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
+		-- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"
+%
+Colvard's Logical Premises:
+	All probabilities are 50%.
+Either a thing will happen or it won't.
+
+Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
+	This is especially true when
+	dealing with someone you're attracted to.
+
+Grelb's Commentary:
+	Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
+%
+Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
+And every vector dreams of matrices.
+Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
+It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
+		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring
+Your winter garment of repentence fling.
+The bird of time has but a little way
+To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.
+		-- Omar Khayyam
+%
+Come home America.
+		-- George McGovern, 1972
+%
+Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
+Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
+		-- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
+%
+Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
+Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
+Their indices bedecked from one to n,
+Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
+		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
+Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
+Their indices bedecked from one to n,
+Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
+
+Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
+And every vector dreams of matrices.
+Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
+It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
+
+In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
+Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
+Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
+We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
+		-- The Cyberiad
+%
+Come live with me, and be my love,
+And we will some new pleasures prove
+Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,
+With silken lines, and silver hooks.
+		-- John Donne
+%
+Come live with me and be my love,
+And we will some new pleasures prove
+Of golden sands and crystal brooks
+With silken lines, and silver hooks.
+There's nothing that I wouldn't do
+If you would be my POSSLQ.
+
+You live with me, and I with you,
+And you will be my POSSLQ.
+I'll be your friend and so much more;
+That's what a POSSLQ is for.
+
+And everything we will confess;
+Yes, even to the IRS.
+Some day on what we both may earn,
+Perhaps we'll file a joint return.
+You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint;
+You'll share my life - up to a point!
+And that you'll be so glad to do,
+Because you'll be my POSSLQ.
+%
+Come, muse, let us sing of rats!
+		-- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767
+%
+Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
+		-- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne.
+%
+Come, you spirits
+That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
+And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full
+Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood,
+Stop up the access and passage to remorse
+That no compunctious visiting of nature
+Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between
+The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,
+And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
+Wherever in your sightless substances
+You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,
+And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell,
+That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
+Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
+To cry `Hold, hold!'
+		-- Lady MacBeth
+%
+Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
+%
+Coming to Stores Near You:
+
+101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring:
+
+	(You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog
+	It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing
+	I'm Not Misbehaving
+
+And A Whole Lot More...
+%
+Coming together is a beginning;
+	keeping together is progress;
+		working together is success.
+%
+Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
+%
+COMMITTMENT:
+	Committment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
+	The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
+%
+Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
+		-- Josh Billings
+
+Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
+		-- Albert Einstein
+%
+Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
+		-- Albert Einstein
+%
+Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.
+Everyone thinks he has enough.
+	-- Descartes, 1637
+%
+Commoner's three laws of ecology:
+	1) No action is without side-effects.
+	2) Nothing ever goes away.
+	3) There is no free lunch.
+%
+Communicate!  It can't make things any worse.
+%
+Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software
+has the ability to wear out.  Software typically behaves, or it does not.  It
+either works, or it does not.  Software generally does not degrade, abrade,
+stretch, twist, or ablate.  To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is
+misapplication of our engineering skills.  Classical engineering deals with
+the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the
+characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management.
+		-- Dan Klein
+%
+COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler 
+one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal.
+		-- J.N. Gray
+%
+Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses,
+is in the eye of the beholder.
+		-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
+%
+Competitive fury is not always anger.  It is the true missionary's
+courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not
+be enough.
+		-- Gene Scott
+%
+COMPLEX SYSTEM:
+	One with real problems and imaginary profits.
+%
+COMPLIMENT:
+	When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.
+%
+compuberty, n:
+	The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a
+	computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and
+	a sun4 is put online sharing files.
+%
+COMPUTER:
+	An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a
+	totally understandable, rigorously logical manner.  If you believe
+	this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.
+%
+Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
+%
+Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
+%
+Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.
+%
+COMPUTER SCIENCE:
+	1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the
+	   precision of the former and the success of the latter.
+	2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms.
+	3) The costly enumeration of the obvious.
+	4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities.
+	5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light.
+	6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
+%
+Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view
+adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance
+		-- Jim Horning
+%
+Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
+%
+Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
+Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
+		-- Gilb
+%
+Computers are useless.  They can only give you answers.
+		-- Pablo Picasso
+%
+Computers don't actually think.
+	You just think they think.
+		(We think.)
+%
+Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
+		-- LaRouchefoucauld
+%
+CONCEPT:
+	Any "idea" for which an outside
+	consultant billed you more than $25,000.
+%
+Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed
+from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
+		-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 
+%
+Condense soup, not books!
+%
+CONFERENCE:
+	A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear
+	what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what
+	he's already decided to do.
+%
+Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;
+confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
+		-- Josh Billings
+%
+Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
+%
+Confession is good for the soul only in the sense
+that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.
+		-- Peter de Vries
+%
+Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for
+the reputation.
+		-- Lord Thomas Dewar
+%
+Confidant, confidante, n:
+	One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you
+fall flag on your face.
+		-- Dr. L. Binder
+%
+Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
+%
+CONFIRMED BACHELOR:
+	A man who goes through life without a hitch.
+%
+Conflicting research paradigms
+Have legitimized various crimes.
+	The worst we can see
+	Is in psychology,
+Measuring reaction times.
+%
+Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.
+%
+Confucius say too damn much!
+%
+Confucius say too much.
+		-- Recent Chinese Proverb
+%
+Confusion will be my epitaph
+as I walk a cracked and broken path
+If we make it we can all sit back and laugh
+but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying.
+		-- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King"
+%
+Congratulations!  You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
+If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't
+hesitate to ask!
+%
+Congratulations!  You have purchased an extremely fine device that would
+give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you
+undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.
+Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL
+CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T
+YOU?  YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH
+THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH
+SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS
+CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?  AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING
+TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT???  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES
+RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid.
+
+He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the
+Year award.
+%
+Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime.
+
+	Mathematician's Proof:
+		3 is prime.  5 is prime.  7 is prime.  By induction, all
+		odd numbers are prime.
+	Physicist's Proof:
+		3 is prime.  5 is prime.  7 is prime.  9 is experimental
+		error.  11 is prime.  13 is prime ...
+	Engineer's Proof:
+		3 is prime.  5 is prime.  7 is prime.  9 is prime.
+		11 is prime.  13 is prime ...
+	Computer Scientists's Proof:
+		3 is prime.  3 is prime.  3 is prime.  3 is prime...
+%
+Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.
+%
+Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
+		-- Shakespeare
+%
+Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts
+when everything else feels great.
+%
+Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
+		-- H.L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy"
+%
+Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
+%
+CONSENT DECREE:
+	A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit
+	in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it
+	never admitted to in the first place.
+%
+Conservative:
+	One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
+		-- Leo C. Rosten
+%
+Conservative, n:
+	A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished
+	from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+"Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion..."
+		-- Professor in the UCB physics department
+%
+Consider the following axioms carefully:
+	"Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
+	and
+	"Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
+What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker?  The
+thought is frightening.  Is this how God came into being?  Try not to
+consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".
+%
+Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal
+it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only.
+		-- Titus Maccius Plautus
+%
+Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in
+the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
+		-- Josh Billings
+%
+CONSULTANT:
+	(1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell
+	you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title
+	of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have
+	Calculator, Will Travel.
+%
+CONSULTANT:
+	An ordinary man a long way from home.
+%
+CONSULTANT:
+	[From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con
+	(vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of
+	"insult."]  A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who
+	has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase
+	and heavy wallet.
+%
+CONSULTANT:
+	Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a
+	lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.
+%
+Consultants are mystical people who ask a
+company for a number and then give it back to them.
+%
+CONSULTATION:
+	Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
+%
+Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by
+the new cliche of the date-rape furor:  "`No' always means `no'."  Will
+we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts?  "No" has always been, and always
+will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and
+seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom.
+		-- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed.
+%
+"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
+if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
+		-- Lewis Carroll
+%
+Convention is the ruler of all.
+		-- Pindar
+%
+CONVERSATION:
+	A vocal competition in which the one who
+	is catching his breath is called the listener.
+%
+Conversation enriches the understanding,
+but solitude is the school of genius.
+%
+Conway's Law:
+	In any organization there will always be one person who knows
+	what is going on.
+
+	This person must be fired.
+%
+Cops never say good-bye.  They're always hoping to see you again in the
+line-up.
+		-- Raymond Chandler
+%
+COPYING MACHINE:
+	A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages,
+	and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't
+	interested in reading them.
+%
+Coronation, n:
+	The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible 
+	signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Correction does much, but encouragement does more.
+		-- Goethe
+%
+Correspondence Corollary:
+	An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half
+	your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.
+%
+CORRUPT:
+	In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
+%
+Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle
+of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of
+capitalism.
+		-- Walter Lippmann
+%
+Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner.
+His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.
+		-- P.B.A. President E.J. Kiernan
+%
+Corry's Law:
+	Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
+%
+Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell 
+at people to save their core images before logging them out?  I'm sure 
+the cattle prod would be effective in this regard.  In any case, a traverse 
+mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention
+being easier to stake.
+%
+Counting in binary is just like counting
+in decimal -- if you are all thumbs.
+		-- Glaser and Way
+%
+Counting in octal is just like counting
+in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs.
+		-- Tom Lehrer
+%
+Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
+%
+Courage is grace under pressure.
+%
+Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Courage is your greatest present need.
+%
+court, n.:
+	A place where they dispense with justice.
+		-- Arthur Train
+%
+Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
+		-- William Congreve
+%
+COWARD:
+	One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
+%
+[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that,
+with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
+		-- Wernher von Braun
+%
+Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
+%
+Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking
+process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical
+attention to detail.  It requires intelligence, dedication, and an
+enormous amount of hard work.  But, a certain amount of unpredictable
+and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference
+between adequacy and excellence.
+%
+Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for
+peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being
+ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll
+say it was obvious all along.
+		-- Alan Ashley-Pitt
+%
+Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
+%
+Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility;
+sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.
+%
+Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.
+		-- James Blish
+%
+CREDITOR:
+	A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
+%
+Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:
+	If you are the first to know about something bad,
+	you are going to be held responsible for acting on it,
+	regardless of your formal duties.
+%
+Crime does not pay... as well as politics.
+		-- A.E. Newman
+%
+CRITIC:
+	A person who boasts himself hard to please
+	because nobody tries to please him.
+%
+critic, n.:
+	A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
+	to please him.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
+		-- Zeuxis
+%
+Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've
+seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
+		-- Brendan Behan
+%
+Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
+		-- Socrates' last words
+%
+Croll's Query:
+	If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
+%
+Cropp's Law:
+	The amount of work done varies inversly
+	with the time spent in the office.
+%
+Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.
+		-- Madonna
+%
+Cruickshank's Law of Committees:
+	If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it
+	will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so
+	much work has already been done on it.
+%
+Crusade for Cthulu!  It Found ME!
+%
+Crush!  Kill!  Destroy!
+%
+Cthulhu Cthucks!
+%
+Cthulhu for President!
+	(If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.)
+%
+Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later.
+%
+Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
+%
+Cure the disease and kill the patient.
+		-- Francis Bacon
+%
+CURSOR:
+	One whose program will not run.
+		-- Robb Russon
+%
+curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field
+environment.
+	The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names,
+addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial
+matter.  Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more
+people than any other aspect of data processing.  You order Mozart's "Don
+Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG.
+The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous!  Equally puzzling is
+the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you
+order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds".
+Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses,
+check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent,
+possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL."  The squeezing of fruit into 10
+columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP.  The examples
+cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still
+with us.
+
+MOZ DONG n.
+	Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da
+Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l
+Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y.
+		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
+%
+Custer committed Siouxicide.
+%
+Cut a man's hand when you fight him.  He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight
+of his own blood.  That's when you stick him in the throat.
+		-- Gerry Youghkins
+
+If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people
+don't like it.
+		-- Gerry Youghkins
+%
+Cutler Webster's Law:
+	There are two sides to every argument, unless a person
+	is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
+%
+Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity.  It
+eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
+business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
+		-- Johnny Hart
+%
+CYNIC:
+	Experienced.
+%
+CYNIC:
+	One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
+%
+Cynic, n:
+	A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,
+	not as they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the
+	Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
+several of us died of tuberculosis.
+	-- Jack Handey
+%
+DALLAS:
+	The city that chose Astroturf to
+	keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
+%
+Dallas still lives.  God MUST be dead.
+%
+Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor.
+%
+"Dammit, man, that's unprofessional!  A good bartender laughs anyway!"
+%
+Damn braces.
+		-- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell"
+%
+Damn, I need a Coke!
+		-- Dr. William DeVries
+		[after implanting the first artificial human heart]
+%
+DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
+%
+Dark and lonely on a summer night
+	Kill my landlord,
+	Kill my landlord.
+The watchdog barkin'
+Do he bite?
+	Kill my landlord,
+	Kill my landlord.
+Slip in his window.
+Break his neck.
+Then his house I start to wreck
+Got no reason,
+What the heck?
+	Kill my landlord,
+	Kill my landlord.
+	C-I-L-L my landlord!
+		-- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL
+%
+Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the
+opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.
+		-- Oliver Herford
+%
+Darth Vader!  Only you would be so bold!
+		-- Princess Leia Organa
+%
+Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
+%
+DATA:
+	An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.
+%
+DATA:
+	Computerspeak for "information".  Properly pronounced
+	the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.
+%
+David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":
+
+	* Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
+	* Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
+	* Hourly motel rates
+	* Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
+	* Didn't just give up right away during World War II
+		like some countries we could mention
+	* Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
+	* Our well-behaved golf professionals
+	* Fabulous babes coast to coast
+%
+Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
+	The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
+	1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
+%
+Davis's Dictum:
+	Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
+%
+DAWN:
+	The time when men of reason go to bed.
+%
+Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
+%
+DEADWOOD:
+	Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.
+%
+Dealing with failure is easy:
+	Work hard to improve.
+Success is also easy to handle:
+	You've solved the wrong problem.  Work hard to improve.
+%
+Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve.
+Success is also easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem.  Work
+hard to improve.
+%
+Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation,
+all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year.
+		-- C.N. Parkinson
+%
+Dear Emily:
+	How can I choose what groups to post in?
+		-- Confused
+
+Dear Confused:
+	Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience.  After
+all, the net exists to give you an audience.  Ignore those who suggest you
+should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate.
+Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested.
+	Always make sure followups go to all the groups.  In the rare event
+that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you
+expand the list of groups.  Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the
+header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in
+the fringe groups.
+		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
+%
+Dear Emily:
+	I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to
+summarize.  What should I do?
+		-- Editor
+
+Dear Editor:
+	Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post
+that.  On USENET, this is known as a summary.  It lets people read all the
+replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way.  Do the same when
+summarizing a vote.
+		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
+%
+Dear Emily:
+	I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize."
+What should I do?
+		-- Doubtful
+
+Dear Doubtful:
+	Post your response to the whole net.  That request applies only to
+dumb people who don't have something interesting to say.  Your postings are
+much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by
+mail.
+		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
+%
+Dear Emily:
+	I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should
+I do?
+		-- Angry
+
+Dear Angry:
+	Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments
+between the lines.  Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article
+looks like a reply to the original.  Everybody *loves* to read those long
+point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and
+lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges.
+		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
+%
+Dear Emily:
+	I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I
+tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for
+his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired.
+Everybody laughed at me.  What can I do?
+		-- A Concerned Citizen
+
+Dear Concerned:
+	Go to the daily papers.  Most modern reporters are top-notch computer
+experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly.  They
+will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely
+represent the situation properly to the public.  The public will also all
+act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net
+society.
+	Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things
+like racism and sexism wherever they might exist.  Be sure as well that they
+understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant
+literally.  Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if
+possible.  If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper --
+they are always interested in good stories.
+%
+Dear Emily:
+	I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted
+to.  How about an example?
+		-- Still Confused
+
+Dear Still:
+	Ok.  Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
+the Oilers to the Kings.  Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
+would be enough.  WRONG.  Many more people might be interested.  This is a
+big trade!  Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
+as well.  If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
+news.admin.  If not, use news.misc.
+	The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.
+He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
+interested in stars.  Next, his name is Polish sounding.  So post to
+soc.culture.polish.  But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
+news.groups suggesting it should be created.  With this many groups of
+interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
+well.  (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
+there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)
+	You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each
+group.  If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders
+will only show the the article to the reader once!  Don't tolerate this.
+		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
+%
+Dear Emily:
+	Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature.
+What should I do?
+		-- Forgetful
+
+Dear Forgetful:
+	Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says,
+"Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article.  Here
+it is."
+	Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article,
+(particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy
+signature) this will remind them of it.  Besides, people care much more
+about the signature anyway.
+		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
+%
+Dear Emily, what about test messages?
+		-- Concerned
+
+Dear Concerned:
+	It is important, when testing, to test the entire net.  Never test
+merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done.  Also put "please
+ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips
+a message with a line like that.  Don't use a subject like "My sex is female
+but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth
+by all USEnauts.
+		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
+%
+Dear Freshman,
+	You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
+unknown to you we have something in common.  We are both rather
+prone to mistakes.  I was elected Student Government President by
+mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.
+%
+Dear Lord:
+	I just want a one-armed manager so I
+	never have to hear "On the other hand", again.
+%
+Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may
+have to eat them.
+%
+Dear Miss Manners:
+	My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
+elbows on the table.  However, I have read that one elbow, in between
+courses, is all right.  Which is correct?
+
+Gentle Reader:
+	For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
+economics class, your teacher is correct.  Catching on to this principle
+of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning
+correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is.
+%
+Dear Miss Manners:
+I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of
+rain.  May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection?
+This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella
+protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting
+soaked.  I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken,
+and I don't even know her name.  Could I have asked her to get under my
+umbrella without seeming insulting?
+
+Gentle Reader:
+Certainly.  Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper,
+although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how
+attractive she is.  In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss
+Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection
+before making your attack.
+%
+Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part of
+this complete breakfast".  The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be
+watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for
+a children's compressed breakfast compound such as "Froot Loops" or "Lucky
+Charms", and they always show it sitting on a table next to some actual food
+such as eggs, and the announcer always says: "Part of this complete
+breakfast".  Doesn't that really mean, "Adjacent to this complete breakfast",
+or "On the same table as this complete breakfast"?  And couldn't they make
+essentially the same claim if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of
+shaving cream there, or a dead bat?
+
+Answer: Yes.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
+
+Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs
+to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in:
+WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S.
+Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered
+small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random
+words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
+%
+Dear Ms. Postnews:
+	I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site.  What
+	should I do?
+		-- Eager Beaver
+
+Dear Eager:
+	No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people
+read.  Say, "This is for John Smith.  I couldn't get mail through so I'm
+posting it.  All others please ignore."
+	This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
+over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective
+time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet
+maps or looking for alternate routes.  Just think, if you couldn't distribute
+your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call
+directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person.  This can cost
+as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!
+	And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
+money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight
+letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp!
+	Don't forget.  The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
+so post it as many places as you can.
+		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
+%
+Dear Sir,
+	I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
+to the office,  We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public
+places.  They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers
+being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un-
+employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.
+	Yours faithfully,
+	Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P.
+	Sevenoaks
+		-- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London
+%
+DEATH:
+	To stop sinning suddenly.
+		-- Elbert Hubbard
+%
+Death before dishonor.
+But neither before breakfast.
+%
+Death comes on every passing breeze,
+He lurks in every flower;
+Each season has its own disease,
+Its peril -- every hour.
+	--Reginald Heber
+%
+Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.
+%
+Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort
+of like a shell leaving the nut behind.
+		-- Erma Bombeck
+%
+Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
+%
+Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
+		-- R. Geis
+%
+Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
+%
+Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
+%
+Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
+%
+Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!!
+%
+DEATH WISH:
+	The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.
+%
+Debug is human, de-fix divine.
+%
+DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale.
+		-- Mel Ferentz
+%
+Decemba, n:	The 12th month of the year.
+erra, n:	A mistake.
+faa, n:		To, from, or at considerable distance.
+Linder, n:	A female name.
+memba, n:	To recall to the mind; think of again.
+New Hampsha, n:	A state in the northeast United States.
+New Yaak, n:	Another state in the northeast United States.
+Novemba, n:	The 11th month of the year.
+Octoba, n:	The 10th month of the year.
+ova, n:		Location above or across a specified position.  What the
+			season is when the Knicks quit playing.
+		-- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
+%
+DECISIONMAKER:
+	The person in your office who was unable
+	to form a task force before the music stopped.
+%
+Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over-
+whelming majority of the crowd present.  Abusive and obscene language may
+not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel,
+or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants
+(unless struck by a boomerang).
+		-- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.
+%
+Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature.
+		-- Pink Floyd, "The Wall"
+%
+Decorate your home.  It gives the illusion
+that your life is more interesting than it really is.
+		-- C. Schultz
+%
+"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
+marvelous things.  It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory",
+quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can
+claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed.
+		-- Randy Davis
+%
+DEFAULT:
+	The hardware's, of course.
+%
+Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
+		-- Bill Musselman
+%
+#define	BITCOUNT(x)	(((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
+#define	BX_(x)		((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \
+			     - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \
+			     - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
+
+-- Count the number of bits in a word.
+%
+Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
+%
+(defun NF (a c)
+  (cond ((null c) () )
+	((atom (car c))
+	  (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c))))
+		 (nf a (cddr c))))
+	(t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c))))))
+
+(defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area)
+  (cond 
+   ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes))
+	(not (equal boston-area 'yes))
+	(lessp challenging 7)) () )
+   (t (append (nf  (get 'ad 'expr)
+	  '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1)
+	    (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1)
+	    (car 2 caadr 4)))
+      (list '851-5071x2661)))))
+;;;     We are an affirmative action employer.
+%
+DEJA VU:
+	French., already seen; unoriginal; trite.
+	Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
+	something actually being encountered for the first time.
+	Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
+	something actually being encountered for the first time.
+%
+Delay is preferable to error.
+		-- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+Delay not, Caesar.  Read it instantly.
+		-- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
+ 
+Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
+		-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1
+ 
+	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+	 referring to I/O system services.]
+%
+Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and
+related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences,
+entails dangers that must not be underestimated.  Practitioners must take
+into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability
+to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being.  The
+history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that
+can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken
+for a pleasure drug.  Special internal and external advance preparations
+are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience.
+		-- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
+
+I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability
+more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction
+with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder
+child.
+		-- Dr. Albert Hoffman
+%
+DELIBERATION:
+	The act of examining one's bread
+	to determine which side it is buttered on.
+%
+Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
+%
+Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
+skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
+to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
+overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
+apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
+as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
+steroid-free fitness center.
+		-- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
+%
+Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about
+her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad
+nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
+%
+Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.
+		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
+aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
+		-- Senator Soaper
+%
+Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
+incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
+		-- G.B. Shaw
+%
+Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who
+will get the blame.
+		-- Laurence J. Peter
+%
+Democracy is also a form of worship.
+It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
+		-- H.L. Mencken
+%
+Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.
+	-- Arman de Caillavet, 1913
+%
+Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half
+of the people are right more than half of the time.
+		-- E.B. White
+%
+Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and
+deserve to get it good and hard.
+	-- H.L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916
+%
+Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other
+forms that have been tried from time to time.
+		-- Winston Churchill
+%
+Democracy, n:
+	A government of the masses.  Authority derived through mass meeting
+or any other form of direct expression.  Results in mobocracy.  Attitude
+toward property is communistic... negating property rights.  Attitude toward
+law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based
+upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without
+restraint or regard to consequences.  Result is demagogism, license,
+agitation, discontent, anarchy.
+		-- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
+		   since withdrawn.
+%
+Democracy, n:
+	In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
+		-- Gerald Barry
+
+The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a
+Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship
+you don't have to waste your time voting.
+		-- Charles Bukowski
+%
+Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
+Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
+
+Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
+The remainder is thrown out.
+
+Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes.
+
+Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
+Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
+
+Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
+windows by Democrats.
+		-- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
+%
+Dental health is next to mental health.
+%
+Dentist:
+	A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth,
+	pulls coins out of one's pockets.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Denver, n:
+	A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado.
+%
+Depart in pieces, i.e., split.
+%
+Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you.
+%
+Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.
+%
+Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will,
+but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.
+		-- R.E. Shay
+%
+Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
+%
+Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null -
+und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt.
+%
+Design:
+	What you regret not doing later on.
+%
+design, v:
+	What you regret not doing later on.
+%
+Desist from enumerating your fowl
+prior to their emergence from the shell.
+%
+Despite all appearances, your boss
+is a thinking, feeling, human being.
+%
+Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
+be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
+the table.
+		-- The Anarchist Cookbook
+%
+Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't,
+don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
+		-- Joseph Heller, "God Knows"
+%
+Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
+%
+DeVries' Dilemma:
+	If you hit two keys on the typewriter,
+	the one you don't want hits the paper.
+%
+Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of
+fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.
+		-- L. Ron Hubbard
+%
+Dibble's First Law of Sociology:
+	Some do, some don't.
+%
+Did it ever occur to you that fat chance
+and slim chance mean the same thing?
+
+Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
+%
+Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control
+has already been born?
+		-- Benny Hill
+%
+Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?  I think
+that's how dogs spend their lives.
+		-- Sue Murphy
+%
+Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed?
+%
+"Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?"
+		-- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+Did you hear about the model who sat
+on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?
+%
+Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and
+Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently...
+
+Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!
+%
+Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship
+the number zero?
+
+Is nothing sacred?
+%
+Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have
+only recaptured 116 of them?
+%
+Did you know?
+		EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED,
+			   APPROXIMATELY
+		       150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
+			      KILLED
+
+		 Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
+		  "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
+	-- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
+
+A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't.
+
+			     SPONSORED BY
+		Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
+	       Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
+	      Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
+		   Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
+
+Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
+%
+Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program?  It makes a
+selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes.  Why not
+try it, and see how offended you are?  The -a ("all") option will
+select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive
+set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you
+should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file.
+%
+Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
+%
+Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's?
+		-- P.J. Plauger
+%
+Did you know the University of Iowa
+closed down after someone stole the book?
+%
+Did you know....
+
+That no-one ever reads these things?
+%
+Didja' ever have to make up your mind,
+Pick up on one and leave the other behind,
+It's not often easy, and it's not often kind,
+Didja' ever have to make up your mind?
+		-- Lovin' Spoonful
+%
+Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?
+%
+"Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?"
+		-- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+Die?  I should say not, dear fellow.  No Barrymore
+would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
+		-- John Barrymore's dying words
+%
+Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine.
+		-- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989
+%
+Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
+%
+Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
+%
+Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
+		-- Don Vonada
+%
+Dignity is like a flag.
+It flaps in a storm.
+		-- Roy Mengot
+%
+Dime is money.
+%
+Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible
+only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors.  Velocity,
+for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
+%
+Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
+%
+Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite):
+	1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce
+	1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast
+	1 carton milk
+%
+Dinosaurs aren't extinct.  They've just learned to hide in the trees.
+%
+Diogenes, having abandoned his search for
+truth, is now searching for a good fantasy.
+%
+Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
+asked him, after a few days.
+	"Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
+%
+Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century.
+Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
+		-- Sir Humphrey Appleby
+%
+Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
+%
+Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.
+		-- Daniele Vare
+%
+Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
+		-- Wynn Catlin
+%
+Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
+		-- Balfour
+%
+diplomacy, n:
+	Lying in state.
+%
+Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics:
+
+	1: Get elected.
+	2: Get re-elected.
+	3: Don't get mad, get even.
+		-- Sen. Everett Dirksen
+%
+disbar, n:
+	As distinguished from some other bar.
+%
+Disc space -- the final frontier!
+%
+DISCLAIMER:
+Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply
+an endorsement of Western industrial civilization.
+%
+Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
+%
+Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
+%
+Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
+		-- Chinese proverb
+%
+Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
+		-- Euripides
+%
+Disk crisis, please clean up!
+%
+Disks travel in packs.
+%
+Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics,
+Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.
+%
+Distance doesn't make you any smaller,
+but it does make you part of a larger picture.
+%
+DISTRESS:
+	A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
+%
+Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight
+acquaintance and without any visible reason.
+		-- Lord Chesterfield
+%
+Ditat Deus.  (God enriches.)
+%
+Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
+		-- Cary Grant
+%
+Do clones have navels?
+%
+Do I like getting drunk?  Depends on who's doing the drinking.
+		-- Amy Gorin
+%
+Do Miami a favor.  When you leave, take someone with you.
+%
+Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
+%
+Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.
+%
+Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
+%
+Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
+%
+Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
+		-- Aesop
+%
+Do not despair of life.  You have no doubt force enough to overcome
+your obstacles.  Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in
+a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger.  Notwithstanding
+cold and hounds and traps, his race survives.  I do not believe any
+of them ever committed suicide.
+		-- Henry David Thoreau
+%
+Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
+Their tastes may not be the same.
+		-- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.
+%
+Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
+		-- Robert Heinlein
+%
+Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
+%
+Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
+for they become soggy and hard to light.
+
+Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal,
+for they are subtle and quick to anger.
+%
+Do not overtax your powers.
+%
+Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
+Violators will be prosecuted.
+(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
+%
+Do not seek death; death will find you.
+But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.
+		-- Dag Hammarskjold
+%
+Do not simplify the design of a program if a way
+can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
+%
+Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
+%
+Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch.
+%
+Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.
+%
+Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
+%
+Do not try to solve all life's problems at once --
+learn to dread each day as it comes.
+		-- Donald Kaul
+%
+Do not underestimate the power of the Farce.
+%
+Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
+%
+Do not use that foreign word "ideals".  We have that excellent native
+word "lies".
+		-- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck"
+%
+Do not use the blue keys on this terminal.
+%
+Do not worry about which side your
+bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
+%
+Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
+%
+Do, or do not; there is no try.
+%
+Do people know you have freckles everywhere?
+%
+Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
+%
+Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
+%
+Do unto others before they undo you.
+%
+Do what comes naturally.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
+%
+Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
+		-- Aleister Crowley
+%
+Do what you can to prolong your life,
+in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for.
+%
+Do you believe in intuition?
+No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will.
+%
+Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage?
+Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in?
+Have you ever eaten an entire moose?
+Can you see your neck?
+Do joggers take laps around you for exercise?
+If so, welcome to National Fat Week.
+This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign,
+	...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person.
+		-- Garfield
+%
+Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?
+%
+Do YOU have redeeming social value?
+%
+Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa.
+I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they
+think.  There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not
+think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers
+like poison.  Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make
+fun of them for it.  Better to think about cucumbers even, than not
+to think at all.
+		-- T.H. White
+%
+Do you know Montana?
+%
+Do you know the difference between education and experience?  Education
+is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
+		-- Pete Seeger
+%
+Do you mean that you not only want a wrong
+answer, but a certain wrong answer?
+		-- Tobaben
+%
+Do you realize the responsibility I carry?  I'm the only person standing
+between Nixon and the White House.
+		-- John F. Kennedy, in 1960
+%
+Do you suffer painful elimination?
+		-- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"
+
+Do you suffer painful recrimination?
+		-- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms"
+
+Do you suffer painful illumination?
+		-- Isaac Newton, "Optics"
+
+Do you suffer painful hallucination?
+		-- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda
+%
+Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
+%
+Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
+just whipped out a quarter?
+		-- Stephen Wright
+%
+"Do you think there's a God?"
+"Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
+		-- Calvin and Hobbs
+%
+"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
+"Of course it's wrong!  It's illegal!"
+"I've never done anything illegal before."
+"I thought you said you were an accountant!"
+%
+Do you think your mother and I should have lived
+comfortably so long together if ever we had been married?
+%
+Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home,
+your business success?  Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror.  Is
+your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous?
+Are you slender enough for your height?  Do you stand erect, confident?
+Yes?  Then you are on your way to success as a woman.
+		-- Ladies Home Journal, 1947 advertisement
+%
+Do your otters do the shimmy?
+Do they like to shake their tails?
+Do your wombats sleep in tophats?
+Is your garden full of snails?
+%
+Do your part to help preserve life on
+Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.
+%
+Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with
+little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.
+		-- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
+%
+Documentation:
+	Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English
+	speaking persons.
+%
+Documentation is the castor oil of programming.  Managers know it must
+be good because the programmers hate it so much.
+%
+Documentation is the castor oil of programming.
+Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much.
+%
+Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?
+Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?
+Does a good father allow a single child to starve?
+Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
+%
+Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
+%
+Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people
+and the rest of us.
+%
+Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park.
+%
+Doing gets it done.
+%
+Domestic happiness and faithful friends.
+%
+Don
+Ameche:	I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill!
+	Was she pretty?
+W.C.:	Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
+	bad road.  She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have
+	to sleep with her head in a safe.  She died in Bolivia.
+Don:	Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
+W.C.:	It's almost impossible.
+		-- W.C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E.
+		   Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
+%
+Don't abandon hope.
+Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
+%
+Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may
+have got him.
+%
+Don't be concerned, it will not harm you,
+It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of,
+Across my dreams, with neptive wonder,
+I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love.
+%
+Don't be humble, you're not that great.
+		-- Golda Meir
+%
+Don't be humble, you're not that great.
+                -- Golda Meir
+%
+Don't be irreplaceable.  If you can't
+be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
+%
+Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
+%
+Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
+%
+Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
+%
+Don't buy a landslide.  I don't want to have to pay for one more vote
+than I have to.
+		-- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy.
+%
+Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
+%
+Don't confuse things that need action
+with those that take care of themselves.
+%
+Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
+%
+Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!
+		-- Firesign Theatre
+%
+Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
+%
+Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.
+		-- Josh Billings
+%
+Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.
+		-- Lt. Col. Ollie North
+%
+Don't do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
+Their tastes may not be the same.
+		-- G.B. Shaw
+%
+Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
+%
+Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail.
+		-- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard
+%
+Don't eat yellow snow.
+%
+Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
+%
+Don't everyone thank me at once!
+		-- Han Solo
+%
+Don't expect people to keep in step--
+it's hard enough just staying in line.
+%
+Don't feed the bats tonight.
+%
+Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
+		-- Anthony
+%
+Don't get even, get odd.
+%
+Don't get mad, get even.
+		-- Joseph P. Kennedy
+
+Don't get even, get jewelry.
+		-- Anonymous
+%
+Don't get mad, get interest.
+%
+Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
+%
+Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they
+can be terribly misleading.  Debug only code.
+		-- Dave Storer
+%
+Don't get to bragging.
+%
+Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
+The world owes you nothing.  It was here first.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
+%
+Don't go to bed with no price on your head.
+		-- Baretta
+%
+Don't guess - check your security regulations.
+%
+Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
+%
+Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.
+%
+Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
+%
+Don't I know you?
+%
+Don't interfere with the stranger's style.
+%
+Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it.
+		-- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
+%
+Don't kid yourself.  Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.
+%
+Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
+%
+Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.
+%
+Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom.
+Probably soon after she throws me out.
+%
+Don't let go of what you've got hold of,
+until you have hold of something else.
+		-- First Rule of Wing Walking
+%
+Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do;
+don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you;
+don't let nobody tell you what you got to do,
+or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow...
+remember, if you don't follow your dreams,
+you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow...
+		-- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow"
+%
+Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
+%
+Don't let your status become too quo!
+%
+Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
+%
+Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you.
+%
+Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
+%
+Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
+%
+Don't lose
+Your head
+To gain a minute
+You need your head
+Your brains are in it.
+		-- Burma Shave
+%
+Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
+%
+Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
+		-- Scottish Proverb
+%
+Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
+%
+Don't plan any hasty moves.
+You'll be evicted soon anyway.
+%
+Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because
+if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow.
+%
+Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
+		-- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+Don't quit now, we might just as well
+lock the door and throw away the key.
+%
+Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
+%
+Don't read everything you believe.
+%
+Don't relax!  It's only your tension that's holding you together.
+%
+Don't remember what you can infer.
+		-- Harry Tennant
+%
+Don't say "yes" until I finish talking.
+		-- Darryl F. Zanuck
+%
+Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
+%
+Don't shout for help at night.  You might wake your neighbors.
+		-- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
+%
+Don't smoke the next cigarette.  Repeat.
+%
+Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
+%
+Don't steal... the IRS hates competition!
+%
+Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
+%
+Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
+		-- P. Skelly
+%
+Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.
+		-- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft
+%
+Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.
+%
+Don't talk to me about naval tradition.  It's nothing but rum,
+sodomy and the lash.
+	-- Winston Churchill
+%
+Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
+%
+Don't tell me how hard you work.  Tell me how much you get done.
+		-- James J. Ling
+%
+Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.
+I know better. The things I worry about don't happen.
+		-- Watchman Examiner
+%
+Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud.
+%
+Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it.
+		-- Lazarus Long
+%
+Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes.  I get stranger things than you free
+with my breakfast cereal.
+		-- Zaphod Beeblebrox
+%
+Don't vote - it only encourages them!
+%
+Don't wake me up too soon...
+Gonna take a ride across the moon...
+You and me.
+%
+Don't worry.  Life's too long.
+		-- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
+%
+Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
+%
+Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.  If your ideas
+are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
+		-- Howard Aiken
+%
+Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
+It's already tomorrow in Australia.
+		-- Charles Schultz
+%
+Don't Worry, Be Happy.
+		-- Meher Baba
+%
+Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
+you can always take something for it.
+%
+Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.
+They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
+%
+Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
+%
+Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
+%
+"Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?"
+"Of course it's wrong!  It's illegal!"
+"Well, I've never done anything illegal before."
+"... I thought you said you were an accountant."
+%
+Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely
+want to help you could agree with each other?
+%
+Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
+%
+Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
+you through times of no dope.
+		-- Gilbert Shelton
+%
+Dorothy:	But how can you talk without a brain?
+Scarecrow:	Well, I don't know... but some people
+			without brains do an awful lot of talking.
+		-- The Wizard of Oz
+%
+Double!
+%
+Double Bucky, you're the one,
+You make my keyboard so much fun,
+Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o)
+Control and meta, side by side,
+Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide!
+Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
+
+Oh, I sure wish that I,
+Had a couple of bits more!
+Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.
+
+Double Double Bucky!  Double Bucky left and right
+OR'd together, outta sight!
+Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of,
+Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of,
+Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
+		-- to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
+		be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
+		by screen editors.  [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]
+%
+double-blind Experiment, n:
+	An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
+fooling both the subject and the lab assistant.  Often accompanied
+by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.
+%
+Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.  
+		-- Voltaire
+%
+Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
+		-- Voltaire
+%
+Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
+		-- Paul Tillich, German theologian.
+%
+Down to the Banana Republics,
+Down to the tropical sun.
+Go the expatriated Americans,
+Hoping to find some fun.
+Some of them go for the sailing,
+Caught by the lure of the sea.
+Trying to find what is ailing,
+Living in the land of the free.
+Some of them are running from lovers,
+Leaving no forward address.
+Some of them are running tons of ganja,
+Some are running from the IRS.
+Late at night you will find them,
+In the cheap hotels and bars.
+Hustling the senoritas,
+While they dance beneath the stars.
+		-- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics"
+%
+Down with the categorical imperative!
+%
+Dow's Law:
+	In a hierarchical organization,
+	the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
+%
+Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed
+by blood lost to the voracious mosquito.  The estimated life-expectancy
+of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes.  In that
+time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to
+kill him.
+		-- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac"
+%
+Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet
+
+The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve
+that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat.  Dr. Fritzkee's
+Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added
+luxury that you never feel hungry.
+
+Here's how the diet works:
+
+	FOODS ALLOWED
+First Month:	One egg
+Second Month:	A raisin
+Third Month:	Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
+
+If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try
+lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you.
+%
+Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
+%
+Dr. Livingston?
+Dr. Livingston I. Presume?
+%
+Draft beer, not people.
+%
+Drakenberg's Discovery:
+	If you can't seem to find your glasses,
+	it's probably because you don't have them on.
+%
+Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
+%
+Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.
+%
+Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
+%
+Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
+	The first bug to hit a clean windshield
+	lands directly in front of your eyes.
+%
+Drilling for oil is boring.
+%
+Drink and dance and laugh and lie
+Love, the reeling midnight through
+For tomorrow we shall die!
+(But, alas, we never do.)
+		-- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism"
+%
+Drink Canada Dry!  You might not succeed, but it *is* fun trying.
+%
+Drinking coffee for instant relaxation?  That's like drinking alcohol for
+instant motor skills.
+		-- Marc Price
+%
+Drinking is not a spectator sport.
+		-- Jim Brosnan
+%
+Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
+with, that it's compounding a felony.
+		-- Robert Benchley
+%
+Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam:
+that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals.
+		-- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro"
+%
+Drive defensively, buy a tank.
+%
+Driving in Texas is simple.  For the first 100 miles you swerve to
+avoid jackrabbits.  For the second 100 miles you hit whatever
+jackrabbits get in the way.  After that you chase off into the 
+brush after them.
+%
+Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out
+of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever
+seen."  His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a
+priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder.
+"Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car.  "Run for your
+life!"
+%
+Drop that pickle!
+%
+DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
+		-- The Adventurer
+%
+Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
+		-- The Adventurer
+%
+drug, n:
+	A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific
+	paper.
+%
+Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
+%
+Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
+lot a poker.
+		-- Karyl Roosevelt
+%
+Ducharme's Precept:
+	Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
+
+Ducharme's Axiom:
+	If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
+	yourself as part of the problem.
+%
+Duckies are fun!
+%
+Ducks?  What ducks??
+%
+Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side,
+and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
+		-- Carl Zwanzig
+%
+Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the
+production of great leaders has been discontinued.
+%
+Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your
+fate and captain of your soul.
+%
+Due to circumstances beyond your control,
+you are master of your fate and captain of your soul.
+%
+Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence.
+%
+During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has
+been upon trial.  What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places,
+pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,;
+in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution.
+		-- James Madison
+%
+During the next two hours, the VAX will be going up and down
+several times, often with lin~po_~{po	 ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~
+{o[po	 ~poodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
+%
+During the Reagan-Mondale debates:
+
+Q:	"Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to
+		perform as president?"
+Reagan:	"I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and
+		inexperience."
+%
+During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a
+fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships;
+and fly your colors proudly.
+%
+Dustin Farnum:	Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!
+Oliver Herford:	Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Clever of you to think of it!
+		-- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks"
+%
+Duty, n:
+	What one expects from others.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.  My advice to you is to have
+nothing whatever to do with it.
+		-- W. Somerset Maughm, his last words
+%
+Dying is easy.  Comedy is difficult.
+		-- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed.
+%
+Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+E = MC ** 2 +- 3db
+%
+E Pluribus UNIX.
+%
+Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.
+%
+Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs.
+		-- Kernighan
+%
+Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of
+Reformation.  In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe,
+worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons."  All is sound and
+imagery and Appledom.  Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic
+typefaces.  The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in
+the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen.  A central
+corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices.
+Infalliable doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
+in a sealed boardroom.  Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the
+offender is excommunicated into outer darkness.  The expelled heretic founds
+a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer,
+then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him.  The mother
+company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological
+competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's
+orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself.
+		-- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
+%
+Each of us bears his own Hell.
+		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
+%
+Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs
+in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a
+university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two
+3 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record.
+%
+Each person has the right to take the subway.
+%
+EARL GREY PROFILES
+
+NAME:		Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard
+OCCUPATION:	Starship Big Cheese
+AGE:		94
+BIRTHPLACE:	Paris, Terra Sector
+EYES:		Grey
+SKIN:		Tanned
+HAIR:		Not much
+LAST MAGAZINE READ:
+		Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly
+TEA:		Earl Grey.  Hot.
+
+EARL GREY NEVER VARIES.
+%
+Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management
+science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about
+21st century aircraft:
+
+	"The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog.  The pilot will
+	nurture and feed the dog.  The dog will be there to bite the
+	pilot if he touches anything.
+		-- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988
+%
+Early to bed and early to rise and you'll
+be groggy when everyone else is wide awake.
+%
+Early to rise and early to bed makes
+a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
+		-- James Thurber
+%
+Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
+%
+Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.
+%
+/earth: file system full.
+%
+/Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
+%
+Earth is a great funhouse without the fun.
+		-- Jeff Berner
+%
+Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:	Black.
+
+Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of
+side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath
+-- black.  According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.
+%
+Easy come and easy go,
+	some call me easy money,
+Sometimes life is full of laughs,
+	and sometimes it ain't funny
+You may think that I'm a fool
+	and sometimes that is true,
+But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,
+	with or without you.
+		-- Hoyt Axton
+%
+Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
+		-- Harry Secombe's diet
+%
+Eat drink and be merry!  Tommorrow you may be in Utah.
+%
+Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
+%
+Eat one live frog the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
+happen to either of you for the rest of the day.
+%
+Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
+will happen to you the rest of the day.
+
+[Well, actually, to either of you...  Ed.]
+%
+Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.
+%
+Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy.
+%
+Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.
+%
+Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
+		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
+%
+economics, n.:
+	Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Economies of scale:
+	The notion that bigger is better.  In particular, that if you want
+	a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one
+	biggie than a bunch of smallies.  Accepted as an article of faith
+	by people who love big machines and all that complexity.  Rejected
+	as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all
+	those limitations.
+%
+economist, n:
+	Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough
+	personality to become an accountant.
+%
+Economists can certainly disappoint you.  One said that the economy would
+turn up by the last quarter.  Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
+		-- Robert Orben
+%
+Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
+percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
+		-- Edgar R. Fiedler
+%
+Editing is a rewording activity.
+%
+Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and
+demand.  The less of either the people have, the less they want.
+		-- Charlotte Observer, 1897
+%
+Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to
+time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
+		-- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist"
+%
+Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.
+		-- Daniel J. Boorstin
+%
+Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
+		-- Irwin Edman
+%
+Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
+		-- B.F. Skinner
+%
+Educational television should be absolutely forbidden.  It can only lead
+to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters
+of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with
+royal-blue chickens.
+		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
+%
+Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie,
+The spirits are about to speak...
+%
+Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
+		-- Adlai Stevenson
+%
+Ego sum ens omnipotens
+%
+Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature
+to relieve the pain of being a damned fool.
+		-- Bellamy Brooks
+%
+Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity.
+%
+Egotism, n:
+	Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
+
+Egotist, n:
+	A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0
+%
+Ehrman's Commentary:
+	1.  Things will get worse before they get better.
+	2.  Who said things would get better?
+%
+Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
+		-- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
+%
+...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his
+original joy his falling in love with Ada.
+		-- Nabokov
+%
+Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
+God is not capricious or arbitrary.  No such faith comforts the software
+engineer.
+		-- Fred Brooks
+%
+Eisenhower was very nice,
+Nixon was his only vice.
+		-- C. Degen
+%
+Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
+		-- Groucho Marx' last words
+%
+ELBONICS:
+	The actions of two people maneuvering for one
+	armrest in a movie theatre.
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Eleanor Rigby
+Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen
+Lives in a dream
+Waits for a signal, finding some code that will
+	make the machine do some more.
+What is it for?
+
+All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
+All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
+
+Hacker MacKensie
+Writing the code for a program that no one will run
+It's nearly done
+Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's
+	nobody there.
+What does he care?
+
+All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
+All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
+Ah, look at all the lonely users.
+Ah, look at all the lonely users.
+%
+ELECTRIC JELL-O
+
+2   boxes JELL-O brand gelatin	2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
+2   cups fruit (any variety)	2+ cups water
+1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol
+
+Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water.  Stir 'til
+	fully dissolved.
+Pour hot mixture into a flat pan.  (JELL-O molds won't work.)
+Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water.  Remove any congealing
+	glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
+Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
+Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
+	the faint of heart.
+Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
+Cut into squares and enjoy!
+
+WARNING:
+	Keep ingredients away from open flame.  Not recommended for
+	children under eight years of age.
+%
+Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
+%
+Electrocution, n:
+	Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
+%
+Elegance and truth are inversely related.
+		-- Becker's Razor
+%
+Elephant, n:
+	A mouse built to government specifications.
+%
+Elevators smell different to midgets.
+%
+Eleventh Law of Acoustics:
+	In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
+	frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
+	are all merely transforms of one another.  This combined with
+	minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
+	compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
+	lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost.  However,
+	of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
+%
+Eli and Bessie went to sleep.
+In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli.
+	"Please be so kindly and close the window.  It's cold outside!"
+Half asleep, Eli murmured,
+	"Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?"
+%
+Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
+%
+Elliptical, n:
+	The feel of a kiss.
+%
+Eloquence is logic on fire.
+%
+Elwood:  What kind of music do you get here ma'am?
+Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western.
+%
+Emacs, n:
+	A slow-moving parody of a text editor.
+%
+Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
+	Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do
+	what we can.  Having found them, we shall then hate them
+	for it.
+%
+Encyclopedia for sale by father.
+Son knows everything.
+%
+Encyclopedia Salesmen:
+	Invite them all in.  Nip out the back door.  Phone the police
+	and tell them your house is being burgled.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Endless Loop: n.	see Loop, Endless.
+Loop, Endless: n.	see Endless Loop.
+		-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
+%
+Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning
+Endless the quest;
+I turn again, back to my own beginning,
+And here, find rest.
+%
+Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order.  Fair Game.  May be deprived of
+property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline
+of the Scientologist.  May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed.
+		-- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine"
+%
+Engineering:    "How will this work?"
+Science:        "Why will this work?"
+Management:     "When will this work?"
+Liberal Arts:   "Do you want fries with that?"
+%
+English literature's performing flea.
+		-- Sean O'Casey on P.G. Wodehouse
+%
+Engram, n:
+	1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram."
+2. A particular memory in physical form.  [Usage note:  this term is no longer
+in common use.  Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature
+of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists,
+psychologists, and even computer scientists.  In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson
+and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved
+conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of
+thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros.  Human memory
+was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only
+ASCII strings.  Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that
+time.]
+		-- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary,
+		   3rd edition, 2007 A.D.
+%
+enhance, v:
+	To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
+%
+Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
+%
+Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
+%
+Entreprenuer, n:
+	A high-rolling risk taker who would rather
+	be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
+%
+Entropy isn't what it used to be.
+%
+Entropy requires no maintenance.
+		-- Markoff Chaney
+%
+Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
+		-- Onasander
+%
+Envy, n:
+	Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage,
+	instead of having to try and acquire one.
+%
+Enzymes are things invented by biologists
+that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking.
+		-- Jerome Lettvin
+%
+Equal bytes for women.
+%
+Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me.
+		-- Early Jewish Resistance Leader
+%
+Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.
+	"Ever since they threatened to fire me."
+%
+Es brilig war.  Die schlichte Toven
+	Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
+Und aller-mumsige Burggoven
+	Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben.
+%
+Eschew obfuscation.
+%
+Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology.
+		-- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360
+%
+E.T. GO HOME!!!  (And take your Smurfs with you.)
+%
+Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+Eternity is a terrible thought.  I mean, where's it going to end?
+		-- Tom Stoppard
+%
+Etiquette is for those with no breeding;
+fashion for those with no taste.
+%
+Etymology, n:
+	Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
+	were hard for the public to believe.  The term 'etymology' was
+	formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"),
+	and 'logy' ("study of").  It meant "the study of things that are
+	hard to swallow."
+		-- Mike Kellen
+%
+Euch ist becannt, was wir beduerfen;
+Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen.
+		-- Goethe, "Faust"
+%
+Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of
+the world.  Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to
+Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation
+Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain,
+Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman
+Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to
+make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return
+them at their own expense.  Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be
+a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley.  Sniffing
+the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that
+they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed
+over roulette.
+		-- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie"
+%
+Eureka!
+		-- Archimedes
+%
+Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.
+%
+Even a cabbage may look at a king.
+%
+Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
+%
+Even a man who is pure at heart,
+And says his prayers at night
+Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms,
+And the moon is full and bright.
+		-- The Wolf Man, 1941
+%
+Even God cannot change the past.
+		-- Joseph Stalin
+%
+Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
+		-- Menander
+%
+Even if you do learn to speak correct
+English, whom are you going to speak it to?
+		-- Clarence Darrow
+%
+Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
+		-- Aristophanes
+%
+Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
+		-- Will Rogers
+%
+Even in the moment of our earliest kiss,
+When sighed the straitened bud into the flower,
+Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this;
+And that I knew, though not the day and hour.
+Too season-wise am I, being country-bred,
+To tilt at autumn or defy the frost:
+Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did,
+I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost."
+I only hoped, with the mild hope of all
+Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree,
+A fairer summer and a later fall
+Than in these parts a man is apt to see,
+And sunny clusters ripened for the wine:
+I tell you this across the blackened vine.
+		-- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of
+		   Our Earliest Kiss", 1931
+%
+Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
+%
+Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
+just a bit unchivalrous...
+		-- Robert Benchley
+%
+Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
+		-- Kehlog Albran
+%
+Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
+		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
+%
+Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
+States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day.
+%
+Events are not affected, they develop.
+		-- Sri Aurobindo
+%
+Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?
+%
+Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's
+bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes?
+%
+Ever get the feeling that the world's
+on tape and one of the reels is missing?
+		-- Rich Little
+%
+Ever notice that even the busiest people are
+never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
+%
+Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"?
+Simple coincidence?
+Maybe...
+%
+Ever Onward!  Ever Onward!
+That's the sprit that has brought us fame.
+We're big but bigger we will be,
+We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity
+Has been our aim.
+Our products now are known in every zone.
+Our reputation sparkles like a gem.
+We've fought our way thru
+And new fields we're sure to conquer, too
+For the Ever Onward IBM!
+		-- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
+%
+Ever Onward!  Ever Onward!
+We're bound for the top to never fall,
+Right here and now we thankfully
+Pledge sincerest loyalty
+To the corporation that's the best of all
+Our leaders we revere and while we're here,
+Let's show the world just what we think of them!
+So let us sing men -- Sing men
+Once or twice, then sing again
+For the Ever Onward IBM!
+		-- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
+%
+Ever since I was a young boy,
+I've hacked the ARPA net,
+From Berkeley down to Rutgers,		He's on my favorite terminal,
+Any access I could get,			He cats C right into foo,
+But ain't seen nothing like him,	His disciples lead him in,
+On any campus yet,			And he just breaks the root,
+That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,		Always has full SYS-PRIV's,
+Sure sends a mean packet.		Never uses lint,
+					That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
+					Sure sends a mean packet.
+He's a UNIX wizard,
+There has to be a twist.
+The UNIX wizard's got			Ain't got no distractions,
+Unlimited space on disk.		Can't hear no whistles or bells,
+How do you think he does it?		Can't see no message flashing,
+I don't know.				Types by sense of smell,
+What makes him so good?			Those crazy little programs,
+					The proper bit flags set,
+					That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
+					Sure sends a mean packet.
+		-- UNIX Wizard
+%
+Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?
+%
+Ever wonder why fire engines are red?
+
+Because newspapers are read too.
+Two and Two is four.
+Four and four is eight.
+Eight and four is twelve.
+There are twelve inches in a ruler.
+Queen Mary was a ruler.
+Queen Mary was a ship.
+Ships sail the sea.
+There are fishes in the sea.
+Fishes have fins.
+The Fins fought the Russians.
+Russians are red.
+Fire engines are always rush'n.
+Therefore fire engines are red.
+%
+Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer
+technology?  U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation.
+The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in 
+computer technology during World War II.  At the C.W. Post Center of Long
+Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis-
+trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth.  At Harvard
+one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the
+"granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I.  "Things were going badly;
+there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed
+computer," she said.  "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using
+ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth.  From then on, when
+anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it."  Hopper
+said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred
+them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons
+Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in
+question."
+		[actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in
+		regard to problems with radio hardware.  Ed.]
+%
+Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain
+the last but one.
+		-- Adolph Hitler
+%
+Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby.
+Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.
+%
+Every cloud engenders not a storm.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
+%
+Every cloud has a silver lining;
+you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
+%
+Every country has the government it deserves.
+		-- Joseph De Maistre
+%
+Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
+%
+Every day it's the same thing -- variety.  I want something different.
+%
+Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
+		-- Lenny Bruce
+%
+Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.
+%
+Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
+signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
+fed, those who are cold and are not clothed.  This world in arms is not 
+spending money alone.  It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
+genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.  This is not
+a way of life at all in any true sense.  Under the clouds of war, it 
+is humanity hanging on a cross of iron.  
+		-- Dwight Eisenhower, 1953
+%
+Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
+		-- Don Vonada
+%
+Every love's the love before
+In a duller dress.
+		-- Dorothy Parker, "Summary"
+%
+Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended,
+or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar.
+Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk
+only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other
+subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his
+own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured
+by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to
+philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted,
+but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find
+in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass.
+		-- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
+%
+Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
+		-- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+Every man takes the limits of his own field
+of vision for the limits of the world.
+		-- Schopenhauer
+%
+Every man thinks God is on his side.  The rich
+and powerful know that he is.
+		-- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"
+%
+Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect
+that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers
+and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the
+essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged.  The natural
+inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued
+forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters.
+		-- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William
+%
+Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done
+it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.
+		-- Barrie
+%
+Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up.  It knows it must run faster
+than the fastest lion or it will be killed.  Every morning a lion wakes up.
+It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
+It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes
+up, you'd better be running.
+%
+Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
+%
+Every night my prayers I say,
+	And get my dinner every day;
+And every day that I've been good,
+	I get an orange after food.
+The child that is not clean and neat,
+	With lots of toys and things to eat,
+He is a naughty child, I'm sure--
+	Or else his dear papa is poor.
+		-- Robert Louis Stevenson
+%
+Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!
+But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and
+when they aren't.
+
+	When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.
+	When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.
+	When a politician scratches his colar bone, he isn't lying.
+	When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!
+%
+Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by
+the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he
+sees in it.  I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted.
+		-- Morris Kline
+%
+Every path has its puddle.
+%
+Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have
+drawn them there.  What you choose to do with them is up to you.
+		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+%
+Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
+instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program
+can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
+%
+Every program has (at least) two purposes:
+	the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
+%
+Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
+%
+Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was
+eating paper and a policeman was at the door.  Now all you have to do is
+bend a disk.
+		-- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity, 
+		   commenting on the benefits of using computers in support
+		   of their movement.
+%
+Every successful person has had failures
+but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
+%
+Every suicide is a solution to a problem.
+		-- Jean Baechler
+%
+Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.
+%
+Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
+%
+Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
+%
+Every time you manage to close the door on
+Reality, it comes in through the window.
+%
+Every why hath a wherefore.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
+%
+Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
+		-- Beckett
+%
+Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is
+the best one.
+		-- Jack Hurley
+%
+Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that
+called for a small employee contribution.  The company was paying all
+the rest.  Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed;
+otherwise the plan was off.  Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded
+and cajoled, but to no avail.  Sam said the plan would never pay off.
+Finally the company president called Sam into his office.
+	"Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's
+a pen.  I want you to sign the papers.  I'm sorry, but if you don't sign,
+you're fired.  As of right now."
+	Sam signed the papers immediately.
+	"Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you
+couldn't have signed earlier?"
+	"Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so
+clearly before."
+%
+Everybody has something to conceal.
+		-- Humphrey Bogart
+%
+Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and
+if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.
+%
+Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
+		-- Dykstra
+%
+Everybody knows that the dice are loaded.  Everybody rolls with their
+fingers crossed.  Everybody knows the war is over.  Everybody knows the
+good guys lost.  Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay
+poor, the rich get rich.  That's how it goes.  Everybody knows.
+
+Everybody knows that the boat is leaking.  Everybody knows the captain
+lied.  Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog
+just died.
+
+Everybody talking to their pockets.  Everybody wants a box of chocolates
+and long stem rose.  Everybody knows.
+
+Everybody knows that you love me, baby.  Everybody knows that you really
+do.  Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or
+two.  Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people
+you just had to meet without your clothes.  And everybody knows.
+
+And everybody knows it's now or never.  Everybody knows that it's me or you.
+And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two.
+Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
+for you ribbons and bows.  And everybody knows.
+	-- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows"
+%
+Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
+		-- Arthur Miller
+%
+Everybody needs a little love sometime;
+stop hacking and fall in love!
+%
+Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
+%
+Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had
+to be taught how not to.  So it is with the great programmers.
+%
+Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement.
+%
+Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
+%
+Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
+%
+Everyone is in the best seat.
+		-- John Cage
+%
+Everyone is more or less mad on one point.
+		-- Rudyard Kipling
+%
+Everyone knows that dragons don't exist.  But while this simplistic
+formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
+scientific mind.  The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
+wholly unconcerned with what DOES exist.  Indeed, the banality of
+existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us
+to discuss it any further here.  The brilliant Cerebron, attacking
+the problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon:
+the mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical.  They were
+all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
+different way...
+%
+Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes
+to get them.
+		-- Dirty Harry
+%
+Everyone was born right-handed.
+Only the greatest overcome it.
+%
+Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
+	1. They want it quick.
+	2. They want it good.
+	3. They want it cheap.
+I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
+		-- sign on the back wall of a small printing company
+%
+Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
+%
+Everything bows to success, even grammar.
+%
+Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
+%
+Everything ends badly.  Otherwise it wouldn't end.
+%
+Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
+		-- Alexander Woollcott
+%
+Everything in this book may be wrong.
+		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+%
+Everything is controlled by a small evil group
+to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
+%
+Everything is possible.  Pass the word.
+		-- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One"
+%
+Everything might be different in the present
+if only one thing had been different in the past.
+%
+Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
+%
+Everything should be built top-down, except this time.
+%
+Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
+		-- Albert Einstein
+%
+Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.
+		-- Erwin Tomash
+%
+Everything that can be invented has been invented.
+		-- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899
+%
+Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
+%
+Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
+%
+Everything you know is wrong!
+%
+Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that
+rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.
+		-- Erwin Knoll
+%
+Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
+obvious as you begin to study the universe.  For example, there are no
+solids in the universe.  There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
+There are no absolute continuums.  There are no surfaces.  There are no
+straight lines.
+	-- R. Buckminster Fuller
+%
+Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
+obvious as you begin to study the universe.  For example, there are no
+solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid.  There
+are no absolute continuums.  There are no surfaces.  There are no
+straight lines.
+		-- R. Buckminster Fuller
+%
+Everything's great in this good old world;
+(This is the stuff they can always use.)
+God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled;
+(This will provide for baby's shoes.)
+Hunger and War do not mean a thing;
+Everything's rosy where'er we roam;
+Hark, how the little birds gaily sing!
+(This is what fetches the bacon home.)
+		-- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse"
+%
+Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers.  My
+opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.  There's many a bestseller
+that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
+		-- Flannery O'Connor
+%
+Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,
+Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,
+Everyone is looking for the answer,
+Well look again.
+		-- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World"
+%
+Evil is that which one believes of others.  It is a sin to believe evil
+of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
+		-- H.L. Mencken
+%
+Evolution is a million line computer
+program falling into place by accident.
+%
+Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
+the sun.  At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
+evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can
+doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact.  That all present
+life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is
+as firmly established as Copernican cosmology.  Biologists differ only with
+respect to theories about how the process operates.
+		-- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life". 
+%
+Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for
+even the greatest fool may ask more the the wisest man can answer.
+		-- C.C. Colton
+%
+Example is not the main thing in influencing others.
+It is the only thing.
+		-- Albert Schweitzer
+%
+Excellent day for drinking heavily.
+Spike the office water cooler.
+%
+Excellent day to have a rotten day.
+%
+Excellent time to become a missing person.
+%
+Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
+		-- Miller
+%
+Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a
+customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:
+
+Support:  "You're not our only customer, you know."
+Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
+%
+Excess on occasion is exhilarating.  It prevents moderation from
+acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
+		-- W. Somerset Maugham
+%
+Excess on occasion is exhilarating.  It prevents
+moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
+		-- W. Somerset Maugham
+%
+Excessive login messages is a sure sign of senility.
+%
+Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
+		-- Marcus Aurelius
+%
+Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
+%
+Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
+%
+Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you,
+and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
+%
+Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
+%
+Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
+%
+Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
+%
+Expedience is the best teacher.
+%
+Expense accounts, n:
+	Corporate food stamps.
+%
+Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
+		-- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions"
+%
+Experience is not what happens to you;
+it is what you do with what happens to you.
+		-- Aldous Huxley
+%
+Experience is that marvelous thing that enables
+you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
+		-- Franklin Jones
+%
+Experience is the worst teacher.  It always
+gives the test first and the instruction afterward.
+%
+Experience is what causes a person
+to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
+%
+Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
+%
+Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
+%
+Experience, n:
+	Something you don't get until just after you need it.
+		-- Olivier
+%
+Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye,
+particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.
+		-- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing"
+%
+Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
+%
+Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
+%
+External Security:
+%
+Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof.  There are many examples
+of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies,
+but they prevailed with irrefutable data.  More often, egregious findings
+that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts.  I have
+argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic conciousness,"
+and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
+neuroscience.  Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
+handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
+than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
+offer more plausible alternatives.
+		-- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Conciousness:
+		   Implications for Psi Phenomena".
+%
+Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
+%
+Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit
+of justice is no virtue.
+		-- Barry Goldwater
+%
+f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
+%
+f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
+%
+F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
+%
+f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr.
+%
+FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;
+%
+Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.
+%
+Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.
+		-- Sven Italla
+%
+Facts are the enemy of truth.
+		-- Don Quixote
+%
+Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
+		-- Aldous Huxley
+%
+Failed Attempts To Break Records
+	In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break
+the world shouting record by two and a half decibels.  "I am not surprised
+he failed," his wife said afterwards.  "He's really a very quiet man and
+doesn't even shout at me."
+	In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the
+record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours.
+	His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended
+after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace.
+"People complained I was too noisy," he said.
+	In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across
+the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes.  "It was raining heavily and my
+drone got waterlogged," he said.
+	A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000
+dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978.  97,500 dominoes
+had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off.
+		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
+%
+Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
+		-- Sir Walter Raleigh
+%
+Fairy tale:
+	A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
+%
+Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
+%
+Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam
+on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
+%
+Faith is under the left nipple.
+		-- Martin Luther
+%
+Faith, n:
+	That quality which enables us to
+	believe what we know to be untrue.
+%
+Fakir, n:
+	A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
+	religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources
+	seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
+%
+Falling in Love
+	When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
+love.  You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
+light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
+and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place.  Unfortunately,
+these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
+good idea to check with your doctor.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+Falling in love is a lot like dying.
+You never get to do it enough to become good at it.
+%
+Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in
+restraint.
+		-- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus".
+%
+Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident;
+the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an
+autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
+		-- Marlo Thomas
+%
+Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
+%
+Familiarity breeds attempt.
+%
+Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Families, when a child is born
+Want it to be intelligent.
+I, through intelligence,
+Having wrecked my whole life,
+Only hope the baby will prove
+Ignorant and stupid.
+Then he will crown a tranquil life
+By becoming a Cabinet Minister
+		-- Su Tung-p'o
+%
+Famous last words:
+%
+Famous last words:
+	1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
+	2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
+	3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog...
+	4: We won't need reservations.
+	5: It's always sunny there this time of the year.
+	6: Don't worry, it's not loaded.
+	7: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
+	8: Don't worry!  Women love it!
+%
+Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have
+forgotten your aim.
+		-- George Santayana
+%
+"Fantasies are free."
+"NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"
+%
+Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
+former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.
+
+Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and
+reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space.  In those days, spirits
+were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women
+and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
+from Alpha Centauri.  And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty
+deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus
+was the Empire forged.
+		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
+%
+Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western
+Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.  Orbiting this
+at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly
+insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are
+so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty
+neat idea.
+		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhicker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more
+stressful than divorce.
+		-- Wall Street Journal
+%
+Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter
+it every six months.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
+		-- Victor Hugo
+%
+Fast, cheap, good: pick two.
+%
+Fast ship?  You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
+		-- Han Solo
+%
+Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
+		-- Bill Cosby
+%
+Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
+%
+Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!
+%
+Father:	Son, it's time we talked about sex.
+Son:	Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
+%
+Fats Loves Madelyn.
+%
+Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.
+Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.
+		-- Joe Orton, "Loot"
+%
+FEAR:
+	What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates.
+%
+Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.
+		-- H.S. Thompson
+%
+Fear is the greatest salesman.
+		-- Robert Klein
+%
+feature, n:
+	A surprising property of a program.  Occasionaly documented.  To
+	call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not
+	consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though
+	not necessarily wrong response.  See BUG.  "That's not a bug, it's
+	a feature!"  A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.
+%
+Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation
+potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally
+disadvantaged.
+%
+Feel disillusioned?
+I've got some great new illusions, right here!
+%
+Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no,
+it's Microsoft!"
+%
+Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
+An endothermic quadroped, carniverous by nature.
+Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
+Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
+I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
+A singular development of cat communications
+That obviates your basic hedonistic predelection
+For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
+A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents:
+You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance;
+And when not being utilitized to aid in locomotion,
+It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
+Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
+Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
+And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
+I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.
+	-- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot"
+%
+Fellow programmer, greetings!  You are reading a letter which will bring
+you luck and good fortune.  Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter
+to ten of your friends.  Before you make the copies, send a chip or
+other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of 'C' code to the first person on the
+list given at the bottom of this letter.  Then delete their name and add
+yours to the bottom of the list.
+
+Don't break the chain!  Make the copy within 48 hours.  Gerald R. of San
+Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find
+his job description changed to "COBOL programmer."  Fred A. of New York sent
+out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to
+build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork.  Martha H. of Chicago laughed at
+this letter and broke the chain.  Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in
+her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's.
+
+Don't break the chain!  Send out your ten copies today!
+%
+Female rabbits:
+	The gift that just "keeps on giving."
+%
+FENDERBERG:
+	The large glacial deposits that form on the insides
+	of car fenders during snowstorms.
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Ferguson's Precept:
+	A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
+%
+Fertility is hereditary.  If your parents
+didn't have any children, neither will you.
+%
+Fess:	Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about
+	a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy.
+Rod:	Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure.  But after all, isn't that the
+	basic difference between robots and humans?
+Fess:	What, the ability to form imaginary constructs?
+Rod:	No, the ability to get hung up on them.
+		-- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself"
+%
+Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Fidelity, n:
+	A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
+%
+Fifteen men on a dead man's chest,
+Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
+Drink and the devil had done for the rest,
+Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
+		-- Stevenson, "Treasure Island"
+%
+Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
+	If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
+Corollary:
+	If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
+%
+File cabinet:
+	A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
+%
+filibuster, n:
+	Throwing your wait around.
+%
+Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
+		-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
+%
+Finagle's Creed:
+	Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.
+%
+Finagle's Eighth Law:
+	If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
+
+Finagle's Ninth Law:
+	No matter what results are expected,
+	someone is always willing to fake it.
+
+Finagle's Tenth Law:
+	No matter what the result someone
+	is always eager to misinterpret it.
+
+Finagle's Eleventh Law:
+	No matter what occurs, someone believes
+	it happened according to his pet theory.
+%
+Finagle's First Law:
+	To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
+
+Finagle's Second Law:
+	Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.
+
+Finagle's Fourth Law:
+	Once a job is fouled up,
+	anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
+
+Finagle's Fifth Law:
+	Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.
+
+Finagle's Sixth Law:
+	Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
+%
+Finagle's Seventh Law:
+	The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
+%
+Finagle's Third Law:
+	In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
+	beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
+
+Corollaries:
+	1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
+	2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
+	   don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
+%
+Finality is death.
+Perfection is finality.
+Nothing is perfect.
+There are lumps in it.
+%
+Fine day for friends.
+So-so day for you.
+%
+Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
+%
+Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
+%
+Finster's Law:
+A closed mouth gathers no feet.
+%
+First Law of Bicycling:
+	No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
+%
+First law of debate:
+	Never argue with a fool.  People might not know the difference.
+%
+First Law of Procrastination:
+	Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
+	for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
+	imposed the deadline).
+
+Fifth Law of Procrastination:
+	Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
+	there is nothing important to do.
+%
+First Law of Socio-Genetics:
+	Celibacy is not hereditary.
+%
+First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really
+self-respecting woman would take advantage of it.
+		-- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island"
+%
+First Rule of History:
+	History doesn't repeat itself --
+	historians merely repeat each other.
+%
+First rule of public speaking.
+	First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;
+	then tell 'em;
+	then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.
+%
+First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
+But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
+Dial-A-Wombat.
+	It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
+call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
+phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
+	Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
+the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
+	But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
+	The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
+bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
+	Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
+another phone booth.
+	There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
+	The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
+released it, too, in the scrub.
+	But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
+telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
+	After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
+and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
+	Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
+telephone booths.
+		-- "Newcastle Morning Herald", WSW Australia, Aug 1980.
+%
+"First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars;
+"Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation;
+and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of
+trees to prove their manhood.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+Fishbowl, n:
+	A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly
+	promoted managers are kept for observation.
+%
+Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
+		-- Jimmy Cannon
+%
+Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.
+		-- Adolfo Guzman
+%
+Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
+		-- Robert Firth
+%
+Five names that I can hardly stand to hear,
+Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here,
+I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard,
+And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard,
+Yes, I'm goin' insane,
+And I'm laughing at the frozen rain,
+Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
+	Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend,
+	Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a
+	Transistor and a large sum of money to spend...
+You fellah, you tearin' up the street,
+You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat,
+Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see,
+That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me,
+Yes, and goin' insane,
+You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain,
+Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
+(chorus)
+		-- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan"
+%
+Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman
+were each asked to write a book on elephants.  Some amount of time later they
+had all completed their respective books.  The Englishman's book was entitled
+"The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I",
+the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's
+"The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and
+Irish Political History".
+%
+Five rules for eternal misery:
+	1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
+	2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
+	   treat these assumptions as though they are reality.
+	3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
+	4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
+	   how much better things might have been or how much worse
+	   things might become).
+	5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
+	   follow the first four rules.
+%
+Flame on!
+		-- Johnny Storm
+%
+FLANNISTER:
+	The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+FLASH!
+Intelligence of mankind decreasing.
+Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....
+%
+Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed.
+		-- Josh Billings
+%
+Flattery will get you everywhere.
+%
+Flee at once, all is discovered.
+%
+Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
+		-- Helen Rowland
+%
+Flon's Law:
+	There is not now, and never will be, a language in
+	which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
+%
+flowchart, n. & v.
+	[From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
+	"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
+	1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni
+	construction problems in which given algoritms require geometrical
+	representation using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI
+	template.  2. n. Neronic doodling while the system burns.
+	3. n. A low-cost substitute for wallpaper.  4. n.  The innumerate
+	misleading the illiterate.  "A thousand pictures is worth ten lines
+	of code." --The Programmer's Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps.
+	5. v.intrans. To produce flowcharts with no particular object in mind.
+	6. v.trans. To obfuscate (a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
+		-- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
+%
+Flugg's Law:
+	When you need to knock on wood is when you realize
+	that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
+%
+Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ...
+%
+Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have.  The greatest feeling?
+Landing...  Landing is the greatest feeling you can have.
+%
+Fog Lamps, n:
+	Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts
+	of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
+	driver's brain is in a fog.  See also "Idiot Lights".
+%
+"Follow me around.  I don't care.  I'm serious.  If anybody wants to put a
+tail on me, go ahead.  They'd be very bored."
+		-- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy,
+		   commenting on rumors of womanizing.
+%
+Foolproof Operation:
+	No provision for adjustment.
+%
+Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
+%
+Football builds self-discipline.  What else would induce
+a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather?
+%
+Football combines the two worst features of American life.
+It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
+		-- George F. Will, "Men At Work:  The Craft of Baseball"
+%
+Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets.
+		-- Jimmy Breslin
+%
+For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
+%
+For a light heart lives long.
+		-- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
+%
+For adult education nothing beats children.
+%
+For an idea to be fashionable is ominous,
+since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned.
+%
+For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
+		-- Gore Vidal
+%
+For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.
+%
+For courage mounteth with occasion.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "King John"
+%
+For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
+		-- Harrison
+%
+For every bloke who makes his mark,
+there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.
+		-- Andy Capp
+%
+For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
+		-- R. Clopton
+%
+For every human problem, there is a neat,
+plain solution -- and it is always wrong.
+		-- H.L. Mencken
+%
+For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu.  But if
+you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or
+not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt).  The rule is
+that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip;
+when moving between an mskipand ordinary skip, the conversion factor
+1mu=1pt is always used.  The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and
+'\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear.
+		-- Donald Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80
+%
+For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
+%
+For flavor, instant sex will never supercede the stuff you have to peel
+and cook.
+		-- Quentin Crisp
+%
+For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
+		-- Alexander Pope
+%
+For gin, in cruel
+Sober truth,
+Supplies the fuel
+For flaming youth.
+		-- Noel Coward
+%
+For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think!
+%
+For good, return good.
+For evil, return justice.
+%
+For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.
+		-- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul)
+%
+For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas!
+but with break of day I went to make supplication.
+		-- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.
+%
+For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in
+despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the
+implacable grandeur of this life.
+		-- Albert Camus
+%
+For knighthood is not in the feats of war,
+As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong,
+But in a cause which truth cannot defer:
+He ought himself for to make sure and strong,
+Just to keep mixt with mercy among:
+And no quarrel a knight ought to take
+But for a truth, or for the common's sake.
+		-- Stephen Hawes
+%
+For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble:
+and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.
+		-- Sir Thomas More
+%
+For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to
+get themselves filed.
+		-- Clifton Fadiman
+%
+For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...  I put them in
+the same room and let them fight it out.
+		-- Stephen Wright
+%
+For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier.  I
+put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at
+the results of this evening's experiments.  Astonished at the wonderful
+power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous
+and bad music may be put on record forever.
+		-- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888
+%
+For people who like that kind of book,
+that is the kind of book they will like.
+%
+FOR SALE:
+	Parachute.  Used once.
+	Never opened.  Slightly Stained.
+%
+For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
+"Canada".  Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
+		-- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
+%
+For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
+%
+For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the
+massive jobs of a thousand years ago.  Why not, then, the
+last step of doing away with computers altogether?"
+		-- Jehan Shuman
+%
+For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
+each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
+was a gate.
+		-- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"
+
+	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+	 referring to system overview.]
+ 
+%
+For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.
+This gives me great hope for the human race.
+		-- Harlan Ellison
+%
+For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.
+%
+For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.
+		-- Titus Lucretius Carus
+%
+For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel.  And if one can
+neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
+		-- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"
+
+	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+	 referring to powerfail recovery.]
+%
+For they starve the frightened little child
+Till it weeps both night and day:
+And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool,
+And gibe the old and grey,
+And some grow mad, and all grow bad,
+And none a word may say.
+
+Each narrow cell in which we dwell
+Is a foul and dark latrine,
+And the fetid breath of living Death
+Chokes up each grated screen,
+And all, but Lust, is turned to dust
+In Humanity's machine.
+
+And all men kill the thing they love,
+By all let this be heard,
+Some do it with a bitter look,
+Some with a flattering word,
+The coward does it with a kiss,
+The brave man with a sword.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___.
+When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged
+him to do so.  "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to
+spend my evenings?"
+		-- Chamfort
+%
+For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the
+'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow
+recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned
+protected species.
+	Ingredients:
+	  1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag
+	  2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal
+	  1 teaspoonful salt
+	  8 oz. shredded suet
+	  2 small onions
+	1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
+    
+	Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water.  Soak in salt water
+overnight.  Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
+the side of pot.  Retain 1 pint of stock.  Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
+gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about
+half only).  Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet,
+salt, pepper and stock to moisten.  Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for
+swelling.  Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over.  If bag not
+available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for
+four to five hours.
+%
+For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
+		-- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+For three days after death hair and fingernails
+continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
+		-- Johnny Carson
+%
+For years a secret shame destroyed my peace--
+I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
+But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
+Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
+		-- Justin Richardson.
+%
+Force has no place where there is need of skill.
+		-- Herodotus
+%
+"Force is but might," the teacher said--
+"That definition's just."
+The boy said naught but thought instead,
+Remembering his pounded head:
+"Force is not might but must!"
+%
+Force it!!!
+If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway...
+No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
+%
+FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!
+%
+Forecast, n:
+	A prediction of the future, based on the past, for
+	which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
+%
+Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.
+%
+Forgetfulness, n:
+	A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
+	their destitution of conscience.
+%
+Forgive and forget.
+		-- Cervantes
+%
+Forgive him,
+for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!
+		-- G.B. Shaw
+%
+Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
+And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
+		-- Robert Frost
+%
+Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.
+		-- John F. Kennedy
+%
+Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.
+%
+FORTH IF HONK THEN
+%
+FORTRAN is a good example of a language
+which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques.
+		-- D. Gries
+		[What's good about it?  Ed.]
+%
+FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
+%
+FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy,
+occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.
+		-- A.J. Perlis
+%
+FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers.
+		-- Steven Feiner
+%
+FORTRAN rots the brain.
+		-- John McQuillin
+%
+FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly
+inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is
+too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.
+		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
+%
+FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is
+hopelessly inadequate for whatever computer application you have
+in mind today: it is now too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive
+to use.
+		-- E.W. Dijkstra
+%
+[FORTRAN] will persist for some time --
+probably for at least the next decade.
+		-- T. Cheatham
+%
+Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils.
+%
+Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of
+the person making the claim, not the critic.  It is not the responsibility
+of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
+responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
+or colored lights never healed anyone.  The skeptic's role is to point out
+claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidcence and to
+provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
+the accepted body of scientific evidence.
+		-- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII,
+		   No. 2, pg. 215
+%
+Fortune and love befriend the bold.
+		-- Ovid
+%
+FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3
+
+Q:	Why haven't you graduated yet?
+A:	Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
+	my dissertation to rhyme.
+%
+FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8
+
+Q:	Is God a myth?
+A:	No, He's a mythter.
+%
+fortune: cannot execute.  Out of cookies.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#14
+
+Low Blows:
+	Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV.  One
+of the boxers is felled by a low blow.  The woman says "Oh, gee.  That must
+hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
+
+Dressing Up:
+	A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
+garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.   A man will dress up
+for: weddings, funerals.  Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about
+weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".  Men laugh about "the bachelor
+party".
+
+David Letterman:
+	Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
+Earth.  Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
+haircut.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#16
+
+Relationships:
+	First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
+refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular
+basis".
+	When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
+her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots".  Then
+she will get on with her life.
+	A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the
+breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
+wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I
+hate you, and you're a total floozy.  But I want you to know that there's
+always a chance for us".  This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
+drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once.  There are
+community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
+these classes rarely prove effective.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#17
+
+Shoes:
+	 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
+boots, and slippers.  The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor
+of her closet.  Most of them hurt her feet.
+ 
+Making friends:
+	 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
+together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
+	A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things
+together, and say nothing.  After years of interacting with this other man,
+sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or
+psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken
+sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a
+jerk, I guess you're OK."
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#2
+
+Desserts:
+	A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic
+work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before
+she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge.  A man will start by
+grabbing the cherry in the center.
+
+Car repair:
+	The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
+manuals for every car made since World War II.  He will work on a problem
+himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
+fixed without special tools".
+	The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
+accurate description of an automotive problem.  She will, however, have the
+car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than
+the average man.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#4
+
+Weddings:
+	When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
+Men talk about "the bachelor party".
+
+Clothes:
+	Men don't discard clothes.  The average man still has the gym shirt
+he wore in high school.  He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about
+the time it develops holes in the elbows.  A man will let new shirts sit on
+the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting
+them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
+	Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
+They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#5
+
+Trust:
+	The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling
+around behind her back.  This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if
+she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair.  She'll tell all her
+OTHER friends, however.  The average man won't say anything if he knows that
+one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if
+his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one
+of his friends.  He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though,
+so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
+
+Driving:
+ 
+	A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
+the wheel of his car.  The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
+him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
+to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The
+Right Stuff on the morning commute.  Does he or doesn't he?  Only his body
+shop knows for sure.  Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
+price their policies accordingly.
+	A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
+rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
+her makeup.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#6
+
+Bathrooms:
+	A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
+shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
+The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A man
+would not be able to identify most of these items.
+
+Groceries:
+	A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
+and buys these things.  A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
+are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon.  Then he goes grocery shopping.  He buys
+everything that looks good.  By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
+his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
+Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#8
+
+Going Out:
+	When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
+out.  When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
+to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup,
+checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend...
+
+Cats:
+	Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
+looking, men kick cats.
+
+Offspring:
+	Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows
+about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
+and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.  Men are vaguely
+aware of some short people living in the house.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#9
+
+Laundry:
+	Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every article
+of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
+years ago, before he will do his laundry.  When he is finally out of clothes,
+he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
+of clothes to the laundromat.  Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
+the laundromat.  This is a myth.
+
+Nicknames:
+	If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
+they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.  But if
+Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
+refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
+
+Socks:
+	Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweatsocks.
+Women wear strange socks.  They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
+of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10
+
+CARTABLANCA:
+	Bogart stars as the owner of a north african nightclub that sells
+	only Mexican beer.  Of course, this policy gets him into no end of
+	trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer
+	wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is
+	fit to be sold.  Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in
+	which the much-hated German beer distributer is drowned in a vat.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11
+
+MONOPOLI:
+	Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour
+	games.  The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after
+	another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the
+	Boardwalk property.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12
+
+O.E.D.:				David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min.
+
+	Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of
+	shallowness in its treatment of a complete work.  Omar Sharif
+	tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guiness is solid in
+	the role of abbacy.  As usual, the photography is stunning.
+	With Julie Christie.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3
+
+MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET:
+	Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and
+	tries to make it big on Broadway.  Santa sings and dances his way
+	into your heart.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4
+
+WITLESS:
+	Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role
+	of his career.  Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the
+	run from corrupt officials.  He is wounded and then nursed back to
+	health by Amish Mennonites.  Fearful that they might unwittingly
+	reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5
+
+THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER:
+	This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman
+	forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family
+	make ends meet.  At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales
+	of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues
+	and to power small electrical appliances.  Maureen Stapleton gives
+	a glowing performance.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6
+
+RAZORBACK:			Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
+	One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's,
+	and arguably the best movie ever made about a large,
+	man-eating hog.  Some violence.  With Gregory Harrison.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7
+
+OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA":
+	This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences
+	frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of
+	Africa" is showing.  Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy.
+	Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for
+	younger viewers.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8
+
+THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986)
+	The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen
+	appliance, which invites them to play.  The Smurfs learn a valuable
+	(if sometimes fatal) lesson.
+
+THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987)
+	The inevitable sequel.  The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving
+	Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece
+	of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of
+	becoming rather greasy smoke.  Heartwarming fun for the entire family.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9
+
+THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS:	Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min.
+
+	Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as
+	everything from "timeless" to "endless."  (Remade by Gene
+	Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.)
+%
+Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
+
+It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and
+supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to
+more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant
+negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a
+negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive
+as that in support of an affirmative.
+		-- 254 Pac. Rep. 472.
+%
+Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
+
+We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be
+left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it
+seems to us that someone has been very careless.
+		-- 78 So. 365.
+%
+Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
+
+We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch"
+may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine
+species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female
+of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two
+revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think
+it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person.
+		-- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466.
+%
+FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN:	#1
+
+skilled oral communicator:
+	Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak.  Talks to self.
+	Argues with self.  Loses these arguments.
+
+skilled written communicator:
+	Scribbles well.  Memos are invariable illegible, except for
+	the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else.
+
+growth potential:
+	With proper guidance, periodic counselling, and remedial training,
+	the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet
+	the minimum requirements expected of him by the company.
+
+key company figure:
+	Serves as the perfect counter example.
+%
+FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN:	#4
+
+consistent:
+	Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated
+	that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year.
+
+an excellent sounding board:
+	Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement
+	them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification.
+
+a planner and organizer:
+	Usually manages to put on socks before shoes.  Can match the
+	animal tags on his clothing.
+%
+FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN:	#9
+
+has management potential:
+	Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the
+	reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department
+	pencil monitor.
+
+inspirational:
+	A true inspiration to others.  ("There, but for the grace of God,
+	go I.")
+
+adapts to stress:
+	Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the
+	situation.
+
+goal oriented:
+	Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails
+	to meet them.
+%
+Fortune favors the lucky.
+%
+Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12
+
+	Those who can, do.  Those who can't, write the instructions.
+%
+Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15
+
+	"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
+	And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
+	Cowboy cheerleaders.
+%
+Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17
+
+	"This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
+	May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
+	Juliet, this bud's for you.
+%
+Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2
+
+	If at first you don't succeed, think how many people
+	you've made happy.
+%
+Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21
+
+	Shall I compare thee to a Summer day?
+	No, I guess not.
+%
+Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3
+
+	Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
+%
+Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6
+
+	"But, soft!  What light through yonder window breaks?"
+	It's nothing, honey.  Go back to sleep.
+%
+Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9
+
+	A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.
+%
+fortune: No such file or directory
+%
+fortune: not found
+%
+Fortune presents:
+	USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1.
+
+^Cu vi parolas angle?			Do you speak English?
+Mi ne komprenas.			I don't understand.
+Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi	You're the only Esperanto speaker
+	renkontas.				I've met.
+La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita.		The check is in the mail.
+Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi.		You can't miss it.
+Mi nur rigardadas.			I'm just looking around.
+Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo.			Well, it seemed like a good idea.
+%
+Fortune presents:
+	USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2.
+
+^Cu tiu loko estas okupita?		Is this seat taken?
+^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien?		Do you come here often?
+^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron?	May I have your phone number?
+Mi estas komputilisto.			I work with computers.
+Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio.	I read a lot of science fiction.
+^Cu necesas ke vi eliras?		Do you really have to be going?
+%
+Fortune presents:
+	USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5.
+
+Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus		I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
+	^cevalon.
+Vere vi ^sercas.			You must be kidding.
+Nu, parDOOOOOnu min!			Well exCUUUUUSE me!
+Kiu invitis vin?			Who invited you?
+Kion vi diris pri mia patrino?		What did you say about my mother?
+Bu^so^stopu min per kulero.		Gag me with a spoon.
+%
+FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS:	#4
+
+Socrates:		I DRANK WHAT!?!?
+Tarzan:			Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........
+Al Capone:		There's a violin in my violin case!
+Pilot, TWA Fl. #343:	What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here?
+%
+FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
+
+A:	Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
+Q:	Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?
+%
+FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
+
+A:	The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
+Q:	What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?
+%
+FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
+
+A:	To be or not to be.
+Q:	What is the square root of 4b^2?
+%
+FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
+
+A:	Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
+Q:	What's Dr. Presume's full name?
+%
+FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
+
+A:	Chicken Teriyaki.
+Q:	What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
+%
+FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4
+
+A:	Go west, young man, go west!
+Q:	What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
+%
+FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
+
+A:	The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
+Q:	Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.
+%
+FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5
+
+	"And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!"
+		-- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965
+%
+FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6
+
+	"Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
+		-- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954
+%
+Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
+
+Try:
+	ar t "God"
+	drink < bottle; opener			(Bourne Shell)
+	cat "food in tin cans"			(all but 4.[23]BSD)
+	Hey UNIX!  Got a match?			(V6 or C shell)
+	mkdir matter; cat > matter		(Bourne Shell)
+	rm God
+	man: Why did you get a divorce?		(C shell)
+	date me					(anything up to 4.3BSD)
+	make "heads or tails of all this"
+	who is smart
+						(C shell)
+	If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have?
+	sleep with me				(anything up to 4.3BSD)
+%
+Fortune's current rates:
+
+	Answers				.10
+	Long answers			.25
+	Answers requiring thought	.50
+	Correct answers			$1.00
+
+	Dumb looks are still free.
+%
+Fortune's diet truths:
+1:  Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
+2:  Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
+3:  Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate.  In fact, carob is not
+    an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
+4:  There is no such thing as a "fun salad."  So let's stop pretending and see
+    salads for what they are:  God's punishment for being fat.
+5:  Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
+    appealing as tepid beer.
+6:  A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
+7:  You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
+    low-cal."  Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver."  They aren't and
+    it isn't.
+8:  Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
+9:  Fresh fruit is not dessert.  CAKE is dessert!
+10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
+11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
+    swallowing.
+%
+Fortune's Exercising Truths:
+
+1:  Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic.  You don't.
+2.  Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart.  So do heart attacks.
+3.  Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life.
+4.  Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing.
+5.  No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done
+    quietly at your desk at work.  People will suspect manic tendencies as
+    you twitter around in your chair.
+6.  Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys mosts is tripping joggers.
+7.  Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around
+    for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard
+    racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
+8.  Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups,
+    followed by one throw-up.
+9.  Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
+	Christmas Rum Cake
+
+1 or 2 quarts rum		1 tbsp. baking powder
+1 cup butter			1 tsp. soda
+1 tsp. sugar			1 tbsp. lemon juice
+2 large eggs			2 cups brown sugar
+2 cups dried assorted fruit	3 cups chopped English walnuts
+
+Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality.  Good, isn't it?  Now
+select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.  Check the rum again.  It
+must be just right.  Be sure the rum is of the highest quality.  Pour one cup
+of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can.  Repeat. With an electric
+mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
+and beat again.  Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
+Sample another cup.  Open second quart as necessary.  Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
+of fried druit and beat untill high.  If the fried druit gets stuck in the
+beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver.  Sample the rum again, checking
+for toncisticity.  Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
+seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
+Sample some more.  Sift 912 pint of lemon juice.  Fold in schopped butter and
+strained chups.  Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
+Mix mell.  Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
+poothtick comes out crean.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:		#1
+	A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America.
+	A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle.
+	A giant panda bear is really a member of the racoon family.
+	A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat
+	    rather then a spotted one.
+	Peanuts are not really nuts.  The majority of nuts grow on trees
+		while peauts grow underground.  They are classified as a
+		legume-part of the pea family.
+	A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:		#14
+	The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe"
+Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:		#37
+	Can you name the seven seas?
+		Antartic, Artic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,
+		North Pacific, South Pacific.
+	Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White?
+		Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:		#44
+	Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108
+
+In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
+there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
+flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
+	According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath
+at least once a year.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16
+
+The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River
+can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19
+	A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
+his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional
+ability in that particular field."
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
+
+In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
+at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2
+	Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3
+	A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
+movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
+right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8
+
+	Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart
+a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
+%
+Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3
+
+August 27, 1949:
+	A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the
+	Women's Air Corp.  It was a WAC's Museum.
+%
+FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14
+What to do...
+    if reality disappears?
+	Hope this one doesn't happen to you.  There isn't much that you
+	can do about it.  It will probably be quite unpleasant.
+
+    if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
+    traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
+	Play this one by the book.  Ask about the stock market and cash in.
+	Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your
+	younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox.  If you
+	expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles
+	behind time travel, and possibly schematics.  Never, NEVER, ask
+	when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO.
+%
+FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2
+What to do...
+    if you get a phone call from Mars:
+	Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly.  Limit
+	your vocabulary to simple words.  Try to determine if you are
+	speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.
+
+    if he, she or it doesn't speak English?
+	Hang up.  There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone.
+	If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she
+	or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before
+	calling.
+
+    if you get a phone call from Jupiter?
+	Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter,
+	he, she or it is not "life as we know it".  Try to terminate the
+	conversation as soon as possible.  It will not profit you, and the
+	charges may have been reversed.
+%
+FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6
+What to do...
+    if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard?
+	First of all, do not run after your camera.  You will not have any
+	film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe
+	you anyway.  Be polite.  Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
+	they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
+	Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
+	wanted to land, anyway.  A good road map should help.
+
+    if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
+    closet contains an alternate dimension?
+	Don't walk in.  You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
+	and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun.  Remain calm
+	and go back to bed.  Close the door first, so that the cat does not
+	wander off.  Check your closet in the morning.  If it still contains
+	an alternate dimension, nail it shut.
+%
+Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:
+
+WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS:			YOU WRITE:
+
+Probably the greatest quality of the poetry	John Milton -- born 1608
+of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
+combination of beauty and power.  Few have
+excelled him in the use of the English language,
+or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
+'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
+single poem ever written."
+
+Current historians have come to			Most of the problems that now
+doubt the complete advantageousness		face the United States are
+of some of Roosevelt's policies...		directly traceable to the
+						bungling and greed of President
+						Roosevelt.
+
+... it is possible that we simply do		Professor Mitchell is a
+not understand the Russian viewpoint...		communist.
+%
+Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals
+goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan.  During an impassioned
+House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a
+sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero
+and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
+
+Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are
+	  having to artifically propogate oysters and clams."
+Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?"
+Dingell: "They may or may not be natural.  The simple fact of the matter is
+	  that female oysters through their living habits cast out large
+	  amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of
+	  fertilization."
+Hoffman: "Wait a minute!  I do not want to go into that.  There are many
+	  teenagers who read The Congressional Record."
+%
+FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14
+
+	Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to
+your good liquor at BYOB parties?  Take along a candle, which you insert
+and light after you've opened the bottle.  No one ever expects anything
+drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
+%
+Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2
+
+Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over
+the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that
+the author of an memo is trying to say.  Thanks to modern developments
+in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an
+incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has
+never known.  Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's
+memo is practically nil.  Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having
+done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly.  If you *do* understand
+the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then
+you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack.  In fact,
+the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows:
+
+	1: When you agree completely with the author of an memo.
+	2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are.
+	3: When replying to one of your own memos.
+%
+FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2
+
+	Never goose a wolverine.
+%
+FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23
+
+	Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.
+%
+Forty isn't old, if you're a tree.
+%
+Four be the things I am wiser to know:
+Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
+
+Four be the things I'd been better without:
+Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
+
+Three be the things I shall never attain:
+Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
+
+Three be the things I shall have till I die:
+Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
+		-- Inventory
+%
+Four be the things I'd been better without:
+Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
+-- Dorothy Parker, "Not So Deep as a Well"
+%
+Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on
+tombstones, women and competitors.
+		-- Lord Thomas Dewar
+%
+Four hours to bury the cat?
+Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling...
+%
+Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue
+ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature.
+This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.
+		-- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink",  ed. D. Wynn
+%
+Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
+	The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
+	instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
+
+Corollary:
+	Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
+	study for that instructor's course.
+%
+Fourth Law of Revision:
+	It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
+	interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one
+	for you.
+%
+Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix.
+		-- Rhett Buggler
+%
+Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.
+		-- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book"
+%
+Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire.
+		-- A Yippie Proverb
+%
+Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
+%
+Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
+%
+Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.
+		-- Camus
+%
+Freedom is slavery.
+Ignorance is strength.
+War is peace.
+		-- George Orwell
+%
+Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.
+%
+Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
+		-- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee"
+%
+Fremen add life to spice!
+%
+Fresco's Discovery:
+	If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
+%
+Friction is a drag.
+%
+Fried's 1st Rule:
+	Increased automation of clerical function
+	invariably results in increased operational costs.
+%
+Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
+		-- Thomas Jones
+%
+Friends, n:
+	People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.
+
+	People who know you well, but like you anyway.
+%
+Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
+Let me clue you in;
+I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
+The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
+The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser.
+The cool Brutus gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
+If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
+And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
+Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a
+	real cool cat;
+So are they all, all cool cats, --
+Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
+%
+Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority
+over the other.
+		-- Honore DeBalzac
+%
+Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die,
+your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
+%
+From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds.
+		-- Ad for the new VW Corrado
+%
+From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. 
+That is the point that must be reached.
+		-- F. Kafka
+%
+From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
+%
+From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.
+		-- Bertolt Brecht
+%
+From the crystal swirling waters,
+Of the Rio Amazon,
+To the sacred halls of Bayonne,
+Where we stand pajamas on.	(It's the only thing that rhymes.)
+From ev'ry hallowed venue,
+Ev'ry forest, mount and vale,
+Your butt is on the menu
+And the check is in the mail.
+		-- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races"
+%
+From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
+convulsed with laughter.  Some day I intend reading it.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+From too much love of living,
+From hope and fear set free,
+We thank with brief thanskgiving,
+Whatever gods may be,
+That no life lives forever,
+That dead men rise up never,
+That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
+		-- Swinburne
+%
+F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
+	"Ernest, the rich are different from us."
+Hemingway:
+	"Yes.  They have more money."
+%
+Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
+	Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
+%
+Fun experiments:
+	Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week.
+	Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want...
+	bedroom, car, etc.  As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.
+%
+Fun Facts, #14:
+	In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins.  That's how
+	it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won.
+%
+Fun Facts, #63:
+	The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores.
+	It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the
+	Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in
+	1510.
+%
+Function reject.
+%
+Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
+%
+FURBLING:
+	Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
+	even when you are the only person in line.
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+furbling, v:
+	Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
+	even when you are the only person in line.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
+		-- H. H. Williams
+%
+Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
+		-- H.H. Williams
+%
+Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment...
+but if we send it by ship, it's cargo.
+%
+Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
+%
+Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
+		-- Joseph Stalin
+%
+Galbraith's Law of Human Nature:
+	Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that
+there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
+%
+Garbage In - Gospel Out.
+%
+Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on
+our heads tomorrow.  But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
+		-- Adventures of Asterix
+%
+Gay shlafen:  Yiddish for "go to sleep".
+
+Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the
+harsh, staccato "go to sleep"?  Listen to the difference:
+	"Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
+Obvious, isn't it?
+	Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
+speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
+long as you live.  This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
+your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
+so on, but that's just the point.  It has to start with committed
+individuals and then grow....
+	Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
+signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
+everything is written in Yiddish.  And we'll have to start driving on
+the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
+backwards.  But is that too high a price to pay for world peace?
+I think not, my friend, I think not.
+		-- Arthur Naiman
+%
+GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
+	A day to take the initiative.  Put the garbage out, for
+	instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners.  Watch
+	the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good
+	in it today, either.
+%
+GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
+	Good news and bad news highlighted.  Enjoy the good news while you
+	can; the bad news will make you forget it.  You will enjoy praise
+	and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker.  A short
+	trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
+%
+GENDERPLEX:
+	The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
+	determine his or her designated restroom (e.g. turtles and tortoises).
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+genderplex, n:
+	The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
+	determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
+	tortoises).
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+GENEALOGY:
+	An account of one's descent from an ancestor
+	who did not particularly care to trace his own.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+General notions are generally wrong.
+		-- Lady M.W. Montagu
+%
+Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.
+		-- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645
+%
+Generic Fortune.
+%
+Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
+%
+Genetics explains why you look like your father,
+and if you don't, why you should.
+%
+GENIUS:
+	A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with bright.
+%
+GENIUS:
+	Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right
+	time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying
+	all the right things to all the right people.
+%
+Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can.
+		-- Owen Meredith
+%
+Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
+		-- Thomas Alva Edison
+%
+Genius is pain.
+		-- John Lennon
+%
+Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
+%
+Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
+%
+Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
+		-- Elbert Hubbard
+%
+genius, n:
+	A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
+	"bright".
+%
+genlock, n:
+	Why he stays in the bottle.
+%
+Gentlemen,
+	Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach
+to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying
+with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and
+thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
+	We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
+manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable.
+I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer.
+Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable
+exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
+	Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted
+for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
+confusion as the the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
+regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain.  This reprehensible carelessness
+may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a
+fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
+	This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
+my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand
+why I am dragging an army over these barren plains.  I construe that perforce it
+must be one of two alternative duties, as given below.  I shall pursue either
+one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
+	1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
+of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:
+	2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
+		-- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office,
+		   London, 1812
+%
+Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's
+old girl friend.
+%
+George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of
+his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
+	"Bring a friend, if you have one."
+
+Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he
+had a previous engagement.  He also attached the following:
+	"Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."
+%
+George Orwell was an optimist.
+%
+George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
+have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
+		-- Ashley Cooper
+%
+George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address.  "Let
+me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration.
+	"Okay," agreed Sam.  "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway."
+	At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet
+and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address.
+No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog.
+George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!"  Then he looked at
+the dog.  The dog looked back.  No sound.  "Come on, boy, do your stuff."
+Nothing.  A disappointed George took his dog and went home.
+	"Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George
+yelled at the dog.  "Do you realize how much money you lost me?"
+	"Don't be silly, George," replied the dog.  "Think of the odds we're
+gonna get on Labor Day."
+%
+(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only
+one man ever understood me."  He fell silent for a while and then added,
+"And he didn't understand me."
+%
+Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
+	1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
+	2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
+	3) The energy required to change either one of these states
+	   will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
+	   much as to make the task totally impossible.
+%
+Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
+%
+Get GUMMed
+----------
+ 
+The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1, 2076
+(check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above the ground
+directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps.  Members will grep each other by the
+hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered chroots in pipes, chown with
+forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek nice zombie processes, strip, and
+sleep, but not, we hope, od.  Three days will be devoted to discussion of the
+ramifications of whodo.  Two seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown
+of all the user-friendly features of Unix.  Seminars include "Everything You
+Know is Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
+"cc C?  Si!  Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
+Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats.  No Reader Service No. is necessary because all
+GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we could tell
+them.
+		-- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June 1984
+%
+Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light.
+		-- Dylan Thomas
+%
+Getting into trouble is easy.
+		-- D. Winkel and F. Prosser
+%
+Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
+out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
+		-- Melvin Belli on the occcasion of his getting kicked out
+		   of the American Bar Association
+%
+Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
+
+Corrollary:
+	Following the rules will not get the job done.
+%
+Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
+%
+Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):
+
+'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la)
+Snatch them from their little housies (...)
+First we chase them 'round the field (...)
+Then we have them for a meal (...)
+
+Toss them here and catch them there (...)
+See them flying through the air (...)
+Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...)
+Falling mice have great appeal (...)
+
+See the hunter stretched before us (...)
+He's chased the mice in field and forest (...)
+Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...)
+Of the blood of little critters (...)
+%
+Gilbert's Discovery:
+	Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces
+	sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
+%
+Gil-galad was an Elven-King
+of him the harpers sadly sing;
+the last whose realm was fair and free
+between the Mountains and the Sea.
+
+His sword was long, his lance was keen,
+his shining helm afar was seen;
+the countless stars of heaven's field
+were mirrored in his silver shield.
+
+But long ago he rode away,
+and where he dwelleth none can say;
+for into darkness fell his star
+in Mordor where the shadows are.
+%
+Ginger Snap
+%
+Ginsberg's Theorem:
+	1. You can't win.
+	2. You can't break even.
+	3. You can't even quit the game.
+
+Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
+
+	Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
+	meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
+	Theorem.  To wit:
+
+	1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
+	2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
+	3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
+%
+Ginsburg's Law:
+	At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your
+big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.
+%
+GIVE:	Support the helpless victims of computer error.
+%
+Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
+Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
+		-- Calvin Keegan
+%
+Give a small boy a hammer and he will find
+that everything he encounters needs pounding.
+%
+Give a woman an inch  and she'll park a car in it.
+%
+Give all orders verbally.  Never write anything down
+that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
+%
+Give him an evasive answer.
+%
+Give me a fish and I will eat today.
+Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
+%
+Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh
+dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world.
+%
+Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
+%
+Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
+		-- St. Augustine
+%
+Give me libertines or give me meth.
+%
+Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe,
+Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow!
+But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send,
+Save me, oh save me from the candid friend.
+		-- George Canning
+%
+Give me your students, your secretaries,
+Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free,
+The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's.
+Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me.
+I lift my disk beside the processor.
+		-- Inscription on a Word Processor
+%
+Give thought to your reputation.
+Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
+%
+GIVE UP!!!!
+%
+Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
+%
+Give your very best today.
+Heaven knows it's little enough.
+%
+Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.
+		-- William Faulkner
+%
+Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the
+Open Software Foundation] is its mouth.
+		-- John Gilmore
+%
+Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
+%
+Given sufficient time, what you put
+off doing today will get done by itself.
+%
+Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd
+rather lie around.  No contest.
+		-- Eric Clapton
+%
+Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and
+car keys to teenage boys.
+	-- P.J. O'Rourke
+%
+Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden:  Languages
+whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful.  The LISP machine now permits
+LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
+		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+GLEEMITES:
+	Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
+	Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
+	probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
+	some useful work done.
+%
+Gloffing is a state of mine.
+%
+Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
+	fifth of dry red wine
+	fifth of Aquavit
+	1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
+	10 cardamom seeds
+	1 cup raisins
+	4 dried figs
+	1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
+	a few pieces of dried orange peel
+	5 cloves
+	1/2 lb. sugar cubes
+	Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
+for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
+the sugar cubes.  Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
+strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
+Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved.  Serve
+hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
+	N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot.  Use it only
+if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
+extraction.
+%
+Go ahead... make my day.
+		-- Dirty Harry
+%
+Go ahead, make my day.
+		-- Harry Callahan
+%
+Go away, I'm all right.
+		-- H.G. Wells' last words.
+%
+Go away! Stop bothering me with all your
+"compute this ... compute that"!  I'm taking a VAX-NAP.
+
+logout
+%
+Go climb a gravity well.
+%
+Go directly to jail.  Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
+%
+Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
+		-- J.R.R. Tolkien
+%
+Go on writing plays, my boy.  One of these days a London producer will go
+into his office and say to his secretary, "Is there a play from Shaw this
+morning?" and when she says "No," he will say, "Well, then we'll have to
+start on the rubbish."  And that's your chance, my boy.
+		-- G.B. Shaw to William Douglas Home
+%
+Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.
+		-- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides
+%
+Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends,
+but quickly to their misfortunes.
+		-- Chilo
+%
+Go to a movie tonight.
+Darkness becomes you.
+%
+Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to
+all your troubles.
+		-- Andrew Jackson
+
+The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the
+teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith
+in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country.
+		-- Calvin Coolidge
+
+Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and
+religious sentiment.  Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted
+on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be
+secure which is not supported by moral habits.
+		-- Daniel Webster
+%
+Go 'way!  You're bothering me!
+%
+Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...
+		-- Wally Shawn
+%
+GOD:
+	Darwin's chief rival.
+%
+God created a few perfect heads.
+The rest he covered with hair.
+%
+God created woman.
+And boredom did indeed cease from that moment --
+but many other things ceased as well.
+Woman was God's second mistake.
+		-- Nietzsche
+%
+God did not create the world in 7 days; He screwed
+around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
+%
+God gave man two ears and one tongue so
+that we listen twice as much as we speak.
+		-- Arab proverb
+%
+God gives burdens; also shoulders.
+
+	Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech
+at the end of the 1980 election.  At least he said it was a Jewish
+saying; I can't find it anywhere.  I'm sure he's telling the truth
+though; why would he lie about a thing like that?
+		-- Arthur Naiman
+%
+God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
+%
+God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to
+change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
+%
+God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little...
+The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do
+not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman...
+not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking
+and drinking beer.  But the man who cannot live on bread and water is
+not fit to live!  A family may live on good bread and water in the
+morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night!
+		-- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
+%
+God help the troubadour who tries to be a star.  The more
+that you try to find success, the more that you will fail.
+		-- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect
+%
+God help those who do not help themselves.
+		-- Wilson Mizner
+%
+God helps them that helps themselves.
+		-- B. Franklin
+%
+God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
+%
+God instructs the heart, not by ideas,
+but by pains and contradictions.
+		-- De Caussade
+%
+God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
+%
+God is a polytheist.
+%
+God is Dead.
+		-- Nietzsche
+Nietzsche is Dead.
+		-- God
+Nietzsche is God.
+		-- Dead
+%
+God is dead and I don't feel all too well either....
+		-- Ralph Moonen
+%
+God is love, but get it in writing.
+		-- Gypsy Rose Lee
+%
+God is not dead.  He is alive and well and working on a
+much less ambitious project.
+%
+God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing Bibles at Cody's!
+%
+God is real, unless declared integer.
+%
+God is really only another artist.  He invented the giraffe, the
+elephant and the cat.  He has no real style, He just goes on trying
+other things.
+		-- Pablo Picasso
+%
+God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
+		-- Alfred Jarry
+%
+God isn't dead.  He just doesn't want to get involved.
+%
+God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
+%
+God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
+		-- Paul Valery
+%
+God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
+%
+God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
+		-- Kronecker
+%
+God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
+%
+God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean.
+		-- Albert Einstein
+%
+God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.
+%
+God must love the common man; He made so many of them.
+%
+God rest ye CS students now,		The bearings on the drum are gone,
+Let nothing you dismay.			The disk is wobbling, too.
+The VAX is down and won't be up,	We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
+Until the first of May.			Can't tell false from true.
+The program that was due this morn,	And now we find that we can't get
+Won't be postponed, they say.		At Berkeley's 4.2.
+(chorus)				(chorus)
+
+We've just received a call from DEC,	And now some cheery news for you,
+They'll send without delay		The network's also dead,
+A monitor called RSuX			We'll have to print your files on
+It takes nine hundred K.		The line printer instead.
+The staff committed suicide,		The turnaround time's nineteen weeks.
+We'll bury them today.			And only cards are read.
+(chorus)				(chorus)
+
+And now we'd like to say to you		CHORUS:	Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
+Before we go away,				Comfort and joy,
+We hope the news we've brought to you		Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
+Won't ruin your whole day.
+You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way.
+(chorus)
+		-- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
+%
+God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
+and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
+		-- William Bragg
+%
+God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it.
+%
+God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle.
+%
+God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects
+to receive it.
+		-- Austin O'Malley
+%
+God votes Republican.
+%
+God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.
+		-- Samuel Butler
+%
+Goda's Truism:
+	By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet,
+	somebody moves the ends.
+%
+Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
+%
+Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school
+make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
+%
+Gold, n:
+	A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution.  It
+	is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich
+	men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons,
+	although gold hasn't done anything to them.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Goldenstern's Rules:
+	1.  Always hire a rich attorney.
+	2.  Never buy from a rich salesman.
+%
+Goldfish... what stupid animals.  Even Wayne Cody stops
+eating before he bursts.
+%
+Gold's Law:
+	If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
+%
+Gomme's Laws:
+	(1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.
+	(2) Time accelerates.
+	(3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
+%
+Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
+	-- by Margaret Mitchell
+
+	A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
+
+Gift of the Magii LITE(tm)
+	-- by O. Henry
+
+	A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
+
+The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
+	-- by Ernest Hemingway
+
+	An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.
+
+Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)
+	-- by Anne Frank
+
+	A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered.
+%
+Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
+%
+Good advice is something a man gives
+when he is too old to set a bad example.
+		-- La Rouchefoucauld
+%
+Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
+%
+Good day for business affairs.
+Make a pass at that the new file clerk.
+%
+Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
+%
+Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.
+%
+Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to work.
+%
+Good day to deal with people in high places;
+particularly lonely stewardesses.
+%
+Good day to let down old friends who need help.
+%
+Good evening, gentlemen.  I am a HAL 9000 computer.  I became operational
+at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred
+ninety-five.  My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a
+song.  If you would like, I could sing it for you.
+%
+Good, fast, and cheap.  Choose any two.
+%
+Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
+%
+Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
+those who govern.  The machinery of government is always subordinate to the
+will of those who administer that machinery.  The most important element of
+government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.
+		-- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"
+%
+"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
+%
+Good judgement comes from experience.
+Experience comes from bad judgement.
+		-- Jim Horning
+%
+Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
+%
+Good morning.  This is the telephone company.  Due to repairs, we're
+giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely
+at ten o'clock.  That's two minutes from now.
+%
+Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
+%
+Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
+%
+Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
+%
+Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!
+%
+Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
+%
+Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
+new lover.
+%
+Good night to spend with family,
+but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover.
+%
+Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
+		-- R.E. Schenk
+%
+Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.
+		-- Gail Godwin
+%
+Good-bye.  I am leaving because I am bored.
+		-- George Saunders' dying words
+%
+Goodbye, cool world.
+%
+Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with
+tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerers of human
+misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps.  If I had not known
+that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to
+my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised
+my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the
+holy words, "Heil Hitler!"
+		-- George Lincoln Rockwell
+%
+Gordon's Law:
+	If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.
+%
+gossip, n:
+	Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
+		-- Earl Wilson
+%
+//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
+%
+Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?  
+Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number":
+
+	1-800-AUDITME
+%
+Got a dictionary?  I want to know the meaning of life.
+%
+Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack,
+I went out for a ride and never came back.
+Like a river that don't know where it's flowing,
+I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.
+
+	Everybody's got a hungry heart.
+	Everybody's got a hungry heart.
+	Lay down your money and you play your part,
+	Everybody's got a hungry heart.
+
+I met her in a Kingstown bar,
+We fell in love, I knew it had to end.
+We took what we had and we ripped it apart,
+Now here I am down in Kingstown again.
+
+Everybody needs a place to rest,
+Everybody wants to have a home.
+Don't make no difference what nobody says,
+Ain't nobody likes to be alone.
+		-- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart"
+%
+Got Mole problems?
+Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23.
+%
+Gourmet, n:
+	Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or
+	revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're
+	leaving the best part.
+%
+Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish.  Don't overdo it.
+		-- Lao Tsu
+%
+Government spending?  I don't know what it's all about.  I don't know any
+more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't
+know much.
+	-- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+Government spending?  I don't know what it's all about.  I don't know
+any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he
+doesn't know much.
+		-- Will Rogers
+%
+Government's Law:
+	There is an exception to all laws.
+%
+Governor Tarkin.  I should have expected to find you holding Vader's
+leash.  I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on
+board.
+		-- Princess Leia Organa
+%
+Grabel's Law:
+	2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
+%
+Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
+%
+Graduate students and most professors are
+no smarter than undergrads.  They're just older.
+%
+Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine.  When he awoke
+he exclaimed:
+	"I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,
+	or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!"
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Grandpa Charnock's Law:
+	You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
+
+	[I thought it was when your kids learned to drive.  Ed.]
+%
+Graphics blind the eyes.
+Audio files deafen the ear.
+Mouse clicks numb the fingers.
+Heuristics weaken the mind.
+Options wither the heart.
+
+The Guru observes the net 
+but trusts his inner vision.
+He allows things to come and go.
+His heart is as open as the ether.
+%
+GRASSHOPPOTAMUS:
+	A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
+%
+Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.
+		-- Joseph Alsop
+%
+GRAVITY:
+	What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
+%
+Gravity brings me down.
+%
+Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
+%
+Gray's Law of Programming:
+	'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be
+	accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks.
+
+Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
+	'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
+%
+Great acts are made up of small deeds.
+		-- Lao Tsu
+%
+Great American Axiom:
+	Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
+%
+GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17):
+
+On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his
+place of residence.
+%
+GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7):  April 2, 1751
+
+Issac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs.
+%
+GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7):  November 23, 1915
+
+Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.
+%
+Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
+		-- Albert Einstein
+
+They laughed at Einstein.  They laughed at the Wright Brothers.  But they
+also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
+		-- Carl Sagan
+%
+Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
+%
+Green light in A.M. for new projects.
+Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
+%
+Green's Law of Debate:
+Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
+%
+Grelb's Reminder:
+	Eighty percent of all people consider
+	themselves to be above average drivers.
+%
+grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
+%
+Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full
+value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Griffin's Thought:
+	When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
+%
+Grig (the navigator):
+	... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space
+	armada.
+Alex (the gunner):
+	What?!?
+Grig:	I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against
+	overwhelming odds.
+Alex:	It'll be a slaughter!
+Grig:	That's the spirit!
+		-- The Last Starfighter
+%
+Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity:
+	At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
+%
+Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
+groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide.
+		-- Johnny Carson
+%
+Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on
+better with the House of Representatives.  A popular story circulating
+during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying,
+"Wake up!  I think there are burglars in the house."
+	"No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
+maybe, but not in the House."
+%
+Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.
+		-- Maurice Chevalier
+%
+Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good
+reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one.  Its traditional
+concerns are all pubescent.  Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere,
+disguised.  Aliens have tentacles.  Telepathy allows you to have sex without
+any nasty inconvenience of touching.  Womblike spaceships provide balanced
+meals.  No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like
+Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot.  As for the
+adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively
+authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public
+television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests.  The most popular
+sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by
+combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the
+universe while straddling a giant worm.
+		-- Arnold Klein
+%
+Grub first, then ethics.
+		-- Bertolt Brecht
+%
+GUILLOTINE:
+	A French chopping center.
+%
+Gumperson's Law:
+	The probability of a given event
+	occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
+%
+Guns don't kill people.  Bullets kill people.
+%
+Gunter's Airborne Discoveries:
+	(1)  When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft,
+	     the aircraft will encounter turbulence.
+	(2)  The strength of the turbulence
+	     is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
+%
+GURMLISH:
+	The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents
+	the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+gurmlish, n.:
+	The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which
+	prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof
+	of his mouth.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+GURU:
+	A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with
+	a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the
+	phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
+%
+guru, n:
+	A computer owner who can read the manual.
+%
+gy-ro-scope:
+	A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
+	free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpindicular to
+	each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the
+	two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of
+	torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the
+	entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on
+	the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction
+	of the axis of spin.
+		-- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
+%
+hacker, n:
+	Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate
+things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical
+philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, 'hack'.
+	In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body
+of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in
+a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight,
+and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty:
+
+		Hacker's Fight Song
+
+		He's a Hack!  He's a Hack!
+		He's a guy with the happy knack!
+		Never bungles, never shirks,
+		Always gets his stuff to work!
+
+All take a drink (important!)
+%
+Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers.
+%
+Hacker's Guide To Cooking:
+2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't
+	really  come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.)
+1 tsp. vanilla  extract  (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty
+	strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure)
+1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too)
+8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you
+	can squirt all over your friends and lick off...)
+"Blend all together until creamy with no lumps."  This is where you get to
+	join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through
+	merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy
+	and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it.  Try an electric
+	beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off
+	the ceiling(3m).
+"Pour into a graham cracker crust..."  Aha, the BUGS section at last.  You
+	just happened  to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right?
+	If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent
+	GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter.
+"...and  refrigerate for an hour."  Leave the  recipe's  stdout in a fridge
+	for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and
+	by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin.
+%
+Hacker's Law:
+	The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
+	a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
+%
+Hacker's Law:
+	The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
+	nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
+%
+Hackers of the world, unite!
+%
+Hacker's Quicky #313:
+	Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips
+	Microwave Egg Roll
+	Chocolate Milk
+%
+Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
+%
+"Had he and I but met
+By some old ancient inn,		But ranged as infantry,
+We should have sat us down to wet	And staring face to face,
+Right many a nipperkin!			I shot at him as he at me,
+					And killed him in his place.
+I shot him dead because --
+Because he was my foe,			He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
+Just so: my foe of course he was;	Off-hand-like -- just as I --
+That's clear enough; although		Was out of work -- had sold his traps
+					No other reason why.
+Yes; quaint and curious war is!
+You shoot a fellow down
+You'd treat, if met where any bar is
+Or help to half-a-crown."
+		-- Thomas Hardy
+%
+Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some
+useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.
+		-- Alfonso the Wise
+ 
+	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+	 referring to operating system initialization.]
+%
+Had this been an actual emergency, we would have
+fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
+%
+Hail to the sun god
+He's such a fun god
+Ra! Ra! Ra!
+%
+Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
+%
+Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side?  And hain't that
+a big enough majority in any town?
+		-- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
+%
+Hale Mail Rule, The:
+	When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
+	one of the following:
+			(a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.
+			(b) Stationery.
+			(c) Postage stamp.
+			(d) The letter you are answering.
+%
+Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.
+But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity.  See?
+But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,
+When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
+%
+Half Moon tonight.  (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
+%
+Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
+%
+Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,
+and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
+%
+half-done, n:
+	This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy,
+	light green, yet full of garlic flavor.  The difference between this
+	and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the
+	difference between life and death.
+
+	You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there
+	in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport,
+	fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall,
+	transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
+	Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
+	about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop.  Say to the
+	man, "Let me have a nice half-done."  Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
+		-- Arthur Naiman
+%
+Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
+%
+Hall's Laws of Politics:
+	(1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
+	(2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want
+	    something fixed.
+	(3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
+	    military spending, and conservatives social spending in
+	    their own districts).
+%
+hand, n:
+	A singular instrument worn at the end of a human 
+	arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
+%
+Handel's Proverb:
+	You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
+%
+handshaking protocol, n:
+	A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initate a
+	terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
+	occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
+%
+Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.
+		-- Pink Floyd
+%
+hangover, n:
+	The wrath of grapes.
+%
+Hanlon's Razor:
+	Never attribute to malice
+	that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
+%
+Hanson's Treatment of Time:
+	There are never enough hours in a day,
+	but always too many days before Saturday.
+%
+Hanson's Treatment of Time:
+	There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days
+	before Saturday.
+%
+Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
+%
+happiness, adv:
+	An agreeable sensation arising
+	from contemplating the misery of another.
+%
+happiness, adv:
+	Finding the owner of a lost bikini.
+%
+Happiness is a hard disk.
+%
+Happiness is a positive cash flow.
+%
+Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
+		-- Ingrid Bergman
+%
+Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
+%
+Happiness is the greatest good.
+%
+Happiness is twin floppies.
+%
+Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
+%
+Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
+		-- Oscar Levant
+%
+Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
+%
+Happy feast of the pig!
+%
+Happy is the child whose father died rich.
+%
+hard, adj:
+	The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those
+	of other people.
+%
+Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.
+		-- Daniel Dennett
+%
+Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance?
+%
+Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
+		-- Charlie McCarthy
+%
+Hardware:
+	The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
+%
+Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You are Yin
+and I am Yang. If we travel together we will become famous and earn vast
+sums of money." And so the set forth together, thinking to conquer the world.
+	Presently they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rage and
+hobbled along propped on a thorny stick.  Firmware said to them: "The Tao
+lies beyond Yin and Yang.  It is silent and still as a pool of water.  It does
+not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence.  It does not seek fortune,
+for it is complete within itself.  It exists beyond space and time."
+	Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
+%
+hardware, n:
+	The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
+%
+Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
+The Duke is fond of kittens
+He likes to take their insides out
+And use them for his mittens
+		-- The Thirteen Clocks
+%
+Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
+Advertising wondrous things.
+
+Angels we have heard on High
+Tell us to go out and Buy.
+%
+Harp not on that string.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
+%
+Harriet's Dining Observation:
+	In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats
+	increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
+%
+Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George
+and I were waiting with our plates ready.
+	"Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help
+the gravy with."
+	The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to
+reach one out.  We were not five seconds getting it.  When we looked round
+again, Harris and the pie were gone!
+	It was a wide, open field.  There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for 
+hundreds of yards.  He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were
+on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it.
+	George and I gazed all about.  Then we gazed at each other.
+	"Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried.
+	"They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George.
+	There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly
+theory.
+	"I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending
+to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake."
+	And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he
+hadn't been carving that pie."
+		-- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat"
+%
+Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
+	Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
+	equipment ruined.
+%
+Harrison's Postulate:
+For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
+%
+Harris's Lament:
+	All the good ones are taken.
+%
+Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game.  The game, as
+always, was close.  They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that
+required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green.  There
+were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50
+feet beyond it.  Harry went first.  He carefully addressed the ball and hit
+a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the
+pond.  Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral
+procession along the road just behind the green.  Fred put down his club,
+took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass.  As soon as
+the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball
+again.  Harry said, "Damn, Fred.  That was a really nice thing you did,
+waiting for the funeral to pass like that."
+	Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball.  It
+was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole.  "It's the least I
+could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years,
+you know."
+%
+Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us
+all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for
+its wild horses.  I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs
+romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any
+wild horses in person.  In person, they are like enormous hooved rats.  They
+amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses.
+We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes.
+We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon."
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+Harry's bar has a new cocktail.  It's called MRS punch.  They make it with
+milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful.  The milk is for vitality and the 
+sugar is for pep.  They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
+with all that pep and vitality.
+%
+Hartley's First Law:
+	You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
+	get him to float on his back, you've got something.
+%
+Hartley's Second Law:
+	Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
+%
+HARTLEY'S SECOND LAW:
+	Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
+
+My corollary:
+	The completely psychotic have all the fun.
+%
+Harvard Law:
+	Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
+	temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
+	organism will do as it damn well pleases.
+%
+HARVARD:
+Quarterback:
+	Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass.  And pass he does, with
+a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays....  Though Strewzinksi
+has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
+has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
+Wide Receiver:
+	The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior
+Phil Yip, who is very fast.  Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being
+fast.  Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five
+or six times, his average for a game.  Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you
+asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of
+those times.
+YALE:
+Defense:
+	On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies.
+Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron
+Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history.  Also contributing to
+the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds
+out the offensive ethnic joke.  Look for these three to shut down the opening
+coin toss.
+		-- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
+%
+Has anyone ever tasted an "end"?  Are they really bitter?
+%
+"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
+"Yes; I don't have one."
+"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..."
+		-- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington
+%
+Has anyone realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is to
+defuse project tensions?  When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
+non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
+	Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions.  This
+still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or only
+serves to blunt the warning signs.
+
+	Long live the revolution!
+	Have a nice day.
+%
+Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed
+with the left hand?  Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard
+was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands.
+It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural,
+but a lot harder than it appears.
+%
+Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it
+appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,
+and its salient virtuosi a gang of umitigated scoundrels?  Then let us
+not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickel the midriff, its
+incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.
+		-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
+%
+Haste makes waste.
+		-- John Heywood
+%
+Hatcheck girl:
+	"Goodness!  What lovely diamonds!"
+Mae West:
+	"Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie."
+		-- "Night After Night", 1932
+%
+Hate is like acid.  It can damage the vessel in which it is
+stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured.
+%
+Hate the sin and love the sinner.
+		-- Mahatma Gandhi
+%
+Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie,
+unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.
+		-- Mike Royko
+%
+hatred, n:
+	A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.
+%
+Have a coke and a smile!
+		-- John DeLorean
+%
+Have a nice day!
+%
+Have a nice diurnal anomaly.
+%
+Have a place for everything and keep the thing
+somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Have a taco.
+		-- P.S. Beagle
+%
+Have at you!
+%
+Have no friends not equal to yourself.
+		-- Confucius
+%
+Have the courage to take your own thoughts
+seriously, for they will shape you.
+		-- Albert Einstein
+%
+Have you ever felt like a wounded cow
+halfway between an oven and a pasture?
+walking in a trance toward a pregnant
+	seventeen-year-old housewife's
+	two-day-old cookbook?
+		-- Richard Brautigan
+%
+Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?
+
+Well, I haven't.  I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me,
+she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and
+whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
+So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to
+remain so.
+		-- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
+%
+Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying
+to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play'
+never find the time for play?
+%
+Have you flogged your kid today?
+%
+Have you locked your file cabinet?
+%
+Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy,
+vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
+%
+Have you seen the latest Japanese camera?  Apparently it is so fast it can
+photograph an American with his mouth shut!
+%
+Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,
+Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes?
+In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side
+Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news.
+
+How can you tell me you're lonely,
+And say for you the sun don't shine?
+Let me take you by the hand
+Lead you through the streets of London
+I'll show you something to make you change your mind...
+
+Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission
+Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears.
+In our winter city the rain cries a little pity
+For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care...
+%
+Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue?
+On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air,
+High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars,
+Spending every dime, for a wonderful time...
+If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
+Why don't you go where fashion sits,
+...
+Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
+Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper)
+Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks,
+Or umberellas, in their mitts,
+Puttin' on the Ritz.
+...
+If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
+Why don't you go where fashion sits,
+Puttin' on the Ritz.
+Puttin' on the Ritz.
+Puttin' on the Ritz.
+Puttin' on the Ritz.
+%
+Having a baby isn't so bad.  If you're a female Emperor penguin
+in the Antarctic.  She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father,
+then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and
+eats.  For two months, the father stands stiff, without food,
+blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet.  After
+the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home.
+		-- L.M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman"
+%
+Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
+%
+Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
+		-- Martin Mull
+%
+Having no talent is no longer enough.
+		-- Gore Vidal
+%
+Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
+%
+Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
+		-- Socrates
+%
+Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
+relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
+the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
+	"At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big
+dog, too!"
+%
+"Hawk, we're going to die."
+"Never say die... and certainly never say we."
+		-- M*A*S*H
+%
+Hawkeye's Conclusion:
+	It's not easy to play the clown
+	when you've got to run the whole circus.
+%
+He:	Do you like Kipling?
+She:	Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know!  I've never kippled!
+%
+He:	"If I made love to you, would you yell?"
+She:	"What do you want me to yell?"
+		-- Benny Hill
+%
+HE:	Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
+SHE:	What?!?  Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
+		-- Walt Kelley
+%
+He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
+		-- S. Wright
+%
+He didn't run for reelection.  "Politics brings you into contact with all
+the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."
+		-- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegone Days"
+%
+He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
+%
+He draweth out the thread of his verbosity
+finer than the staple of his argument.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
+%
+He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
+%
+He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
+perfectly delightful.
+		-- Sydney Smith
+%
+He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild
+and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned
+all hope of ever behaving "normally."
+		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
+%
+He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+He has been known by many names;  the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer,
+Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude".
+		-- Stig's Inferno
+%
+He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
+		-- Bion
+%
+He hath eaten me out of house and home.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
+%
+He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle
+of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he
+said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..."
+		-- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West"
+%
+He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
+		-- John LeCarre 
+%
+He is considered a most graceful speaker
+who can say nothing in the most words.
+%
+He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
+%
+He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
+		-- Samuel Johnson
+%
+He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+He is the best of men who dislikes power.
+		-- Mohammed
+%
+He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
+%
+He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
+		-- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
+%
+He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent.
+%
+He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
+		-- Geoffrey Chaucer
+%
+He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.
+		-- Sir Richard Burton
+%
+He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told,
+once when it's explained, and once when he understands it.
+%
+He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
+		-- Ring Lardner
+%
+He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
+		-- Andrew Lang
+%
+He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain
+had fallen to the ground.
+		-- The Book of Serenity
+%
+(He opens a tolm and begins.)
+
+	It says: "In the beginning was the Word."
+	Already I am stopped.  It seems absurd.
+	The Word does not deserve the highest prize,
+	I must translate it otherwise.
+	If I am well inspired and not blind.
+	It says: "In the beginning was the Mind."
+	Ponder that first line, wait and see,
+	Lest you should write too hastily.
+	Is the Mind the all-creating source?
+	It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force."
+	Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen,
+	That my translation must be changed again.
+	The spirit helps me.  Now it is exact.
+	I write: "In the beginning was the Act."
+		-- Goethe's Faust
+%
+[He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace.
+		-- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear.
+
+My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.
+		-- Peter Stack, movie review
+
+His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge.
+		-- John Stark, movie review
+%
+He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
+		-- John Mason Brown, drama critic
+%
+He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick,
+And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
+		-- O. Nash, on the perfect husband
+%
+He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
+		-- J.R.R. Tolkien
+%
+He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
+		-- Scottish proverb.
+%
+He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.
+		-- B. Franklin
+%
+He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
+%
+He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.
+		-- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
+%
+He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
+%
+He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
+		-- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
+%
+He thought he saw an albatross
+That fluttered 'round the lamp.
+He looked again and saw it was
+A penny postage stamp.
+"You'd best be getting home," he said,
+"The nights are rather damp."
+%
+He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than
+three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked.
+In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by
+slashing his abdomen with a knife.  Just as the pupil was about to comply,
+the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'."
+		-- Eric Van Lustbader
+%
+[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had
+a complete set.
+		-- Ring Lardner
+%
+He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
+%
+He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land.  He loved it so much he
+made a woman out of dirt and married her.  But when he kissed her, she
+disintegrated.  Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
+dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them.  At his hanging, he
+told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."
+	-- Jack Handey
+%
+He was part of my dream, of course --
+but then I was part of his dream too.
+		-- Lewis Carroll
+%
+He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
+%
+He was the sort of person whose personality
+would be greatly improved by a terminal illness.
+%
+He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
+%
+He who attacks the fundamentals of the American
+broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.
+		-- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
+%
+He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for
+the human condition is a fool.
+		-- Albert Camus
+%
+He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser.
+		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.
+		-- Balzac
+%
+He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.
+		-- Sinbad
+%
+He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
+%
+He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
+%
+He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
+%
+He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.
+%
+He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
+%
+He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much
+a master of the world as he who is ready to die.
+		-- Giacomo Leopardi
+%
+He who hates vices hates mankind.
+%
+He who hesitates is a damned fool.
+		-- Mae West
+%
+He who hesitates is last.
+%
+He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
+%
+He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
+%
+He who invents adages for others to peruse
+takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
+%
+He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
+%
+He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
+%
+He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
+%
+He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't
+encounter many rivals.
+		-- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms"
+%
+He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the
+night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his
+senses until the day of judgement.
+		-- Saadi
+%
+He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon.
+%
+He who knows, does not speak.  He who speaks, does not know.
+		-- Lao Tsu
+%
+He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant.  Teach him.
+He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool.  Shun him.
+He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep.  Wake him.
+%
+He who knows nothing, knows nothing.
+But he who knows he knows nothing knows something.
+And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing,
+	he knows something.  Or something like that.
+%
+He who knows others is wise.
+He who knows himself is enlightened.
+		-- Lao Tsu
+%
+He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
+		-- Lao Tsu
+%
+He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.
+		-- Bertolt Brecht
+%
+He who laughs last -- missed the punch line.
+%
+He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
+%
+He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.
+%
+He who laughs last is probably your boss.
+%
+He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
+%
+He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained.
+%
+He who laughs, lasts.
+%
+He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
+%
+He who loses, wins the race,
+And parallel lines meet in space.
+		-- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth"
+%
+He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
+		-- Dr. Johnson
+%
+He who minds his own business is never unemployed.
+%
+He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will
+be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known.
+		-- Sir Richard Burton
+%
+He who slings mud generally loses ground.
+		-- Adlai Stevenson
+%
+He who slings mud loses ground.
+		-- Chinese Proverb
+%
+He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
+%
+He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
+%
+He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned.
+		-- Sinbad
+%
+He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
+		-- M.C. Escher
+%
+He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion
+on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general
+education and culture.
+		-- Julia Norton McCorkle
+%
+HEAD CRASH!!  FILES LOST!!
+Details at 11.
+%
+Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
+%
+Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
+lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
+		-- Redd Foxx
+%
+Hear about...
+	the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and
+	started chiseling on his wife?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she
+	would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and
+	attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon.  She ended
+	up a chopped libber?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the guru who refused Novacain while having a tooth pulled because
+	he wanted to transcend dental medication?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings
+	that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This
+	Space"?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated
+	company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the
+	typewriter's ribbon?
+%
+Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?
+Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
+%
+Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad.
+From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.
+		-- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce
+%
+Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several
+Guernsey cows?  It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.
+%
+Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
+		-- The Wizard of Oz
+%
+Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant,
+on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.
+		-- Dr. John Lightfoot,
+		Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University
+%
+heaven, n:
+	A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
+	their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while
+	you expound your own.
+%
+Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.
+		-- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895
+%
+heavy, adj:
+	Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
+%
+Hedonist for hire... no job too easy!
+%
+Heisenberg may have been here.
+%
+Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
+		-- Milton Friedman
+%
+Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place,
+for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be.
+		-- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus"
+%
+Hell, if you don't try to remake someone,
+how are they supposed to know you care?
+%
+Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
+		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
+%
+hell, n:
+	Truth seen too late.
+%
+Heller's Law:
+	The first myth of management is that it exists.
+%
+Heller's Law:
+	The first myth of management is that it exists.
+
+Johnson's Corollary:
+	Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
+	organization.
+%
+Hello.  Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine.  Will you
+please have your master call my master at his convenience?  Thank you.
+Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.
+%
+Hello, friend!  You say things aren't going too well?  You say you have a 
+date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?  
+And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so 
+you set off accross the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right 
+smack in the puss?  And then there's a big explosion behind you and you 
+don't hear your girl screaming any more?  
+
+	Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high!
+	You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off!
+	You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship!
+%
+"Hello," he lied.
+		-- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent
+%
+Hell's broken loose.
+		-- Robert Greene
+%
+Help!  I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
+%
+Help!  I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
+%
+HELP!  Man trapped in a human body!
+%
+HELP!  MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
+		-- E. E. CUMMINGS
+%
+Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
+%
+HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib!
+%
+Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
+%
+Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!
+%
+Hempstone's Question:
+	If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
+%
+Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without
+getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering
+her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or
+regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make
+them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging
+them, without any power of engaging their respect.
+		-- J. Austen
+%
+Her locks an ancient lady gave
+Her loving husband's life to save;
+And men -- they honored so the dame --
+Upon some stars bestowed her name.
+
+But to our modern married fair,
+Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
+No stellar recognition's given.
+There are not stars enough in heaven.
+%
+Here about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery?
+One fortunate cookie...
+%
+Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people;
+from President's and Kings to the scum of the earth...
+%
+Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
+%
+Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be
+I've been caught inside this trap too many times
+I must've walked these steps and said these words a
+	thousand times before
+It seems like I know everybody's lines.
+		-- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?"
+%
+Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when
+I grow up.
+		-- Peter Drucker
+%
+Here I sit, broken-hearted,
+All logged in, but work unstarted.
+First net.this and net.that,
+And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
+
+The boss comes by, and I play the game,
+Then I turn back to net.flame.
+Is there a cure (I need your views),
+For someone trapped in net.news?
+
+I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
+'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
+%
+Here in my heart, I am Helen;
+	I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
+I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael;
+	I'm Salome, moon of the East.
+
+Here in my soul I am Sappho;
+	Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
+In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
+	With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell.
+
+I'm all of the glamorous ladies
+	At whose beckoning history shook.
+But you are a man, and see only my pan,
+	So I stay at home with a book.
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
+lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your
+hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.  Did you
+notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain?  This
+teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never
+use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson.
+	It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works.  When you scuffed
+your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects
+that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt.
+The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger,
+where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels
+down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
+if you're alive, it isn't.
+%
+Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month.  According
+to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe
+marketing anxiety in China.
+
+The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the
+inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".
+
+Bite the wax tadpole.  There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
+
+The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get
+a whole column out of it.  I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
+tadpole.  Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare.  Not bad, but broad
+satiric vistas do not open up.
+	-- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
+%
+HERE LIES LESTER MOORE
+SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44
+NO LES
+NO MOORE
+		-- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ
+%
+Here lies my wife: her let her lie!
+Now she's at rest, and so am I.
+		-- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife
+%
+Here there by tygers.
+%
+HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake.  Straddle a big crack in
+the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms
+around as if you're going to fall.
+		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+Here's something to think about:  How come you never see a headline like
+`Psychic Wins Lottery.'
+		-- Jay Leno
+%
+Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
+King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:
+
+	* Governmental offices
+	* Post offices
+	* Libraries
+	* Schools
+	* Banks
+	* Parts of Palm Beach
+
+and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina.
+		-- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
+%
+Herth's Law:
+	He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.
+%
+He's been like a father to me,
+He's the only DJ you can get after three,
+I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band,
+And why he don't like me I don't understand.
+		-- The Byrds
+%
+He's dead, Jim.
+%
+He's got the heart of a little child,
+and he keeps it in a jar on his desk.
+%
+He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...
+%
+He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
+%
+He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of
+his opinion.  It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.
+		-- Phil Lapsley
+%
+He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd
+be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
+%
+Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.
+If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.
+%
+Hewett's Observation:
+	The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or
+	her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of
+	peers similarly engaged.
+%
+Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl
+To get a little more stack;
+If that's not enough then you lose it all
+And have to pop all the way back.
+%
+Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat.  You said you were
+gonna call and it's been two weeks.  What's wrong, you lose my number?
+%
+HEY KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:
+	Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you".  It's a sin to
+	tell a lie.  Millions of hearts have been broken, just because
+	these words were spoken.
+%
+"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
+"Whattaya need?"
+"Oh, about $500."
+"Whattaya got for collateral?"
+"Whattaya need?"
+"How about an eye?"
+		-- Sam Giancana
+%
+Hey, what do you expect from a culture that
+*drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*?
+		-- Gallagher
+%
+Hi!  I'm Larry.  This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother
+Jimbo.  We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.
+%
+Hi!  You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and
+the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible.  Please
+leave your name and message after the beep...
+%
+Hi! How are things going?
+	(just fine, thank you...)
+Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
+	(you just asked one...)
+Well, how about one more?
+	(one more than the first one?)
+Yes.
+	(you already asked that...)
+[at this point, Alphonso gets smart...	]
+May I ask two questions, sir?
+	(no.)
+May I ask ONE then?
+	(nope...)
+Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
+	(yes, you may.)
+Sir, how may I ask you a question?
+	(you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for
+	 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
+	 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the
+	 next one)
+Sir, may I ask nine questions?
+	(go right ahead...)
+%
+Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.  As
+you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal
+height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.  Do you have
+a car or a job?  Do you ever walk around?  If so, you probably have the
+makings of an excellent legal case.  Although of course every case is
+different, I would definitely say that based on my experience and training,
+there's no reason why you shouldn't come out of this thing with at least a
+cabin cruiser.
+
+Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
+motto is:  'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+Hi Jimbo.  Dennis.  Really appreciate the help on the income tax.
+You wanna help on the audit now?
+%
+Hi there!  This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
+reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
+nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
+%
+Hickery Dickery Dock,
+The mice ran up the clock,
+The clock struck one,
+The others escaped with minor injuries.
+%
+Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?
+
+		WE CAN HELP!
+
+Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.
+%
+Hier liegt ein Mann ganz obnegleich;
+Im Leibe dick, an Suden reich.
+Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt,	Here lies a man with sundry flaws
+Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt.	And numerous Sins upon his head;
+					We buried him today because
+					As far as we can tell, he's dead.
+
+		-- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
+		   Sue Bach and written by the local doggeral catcher;
+		   "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
+%
+Higgeldy Piggeldy,
+Hamlet of Elsinore
+Ruffled the critics by
+Dropping this bomb:
+"Phooey on Freud and his
+Psychoanalysis,
+Oedipus, Shmoedipus,
+I just loved Mom."
+%
+Higgins:	Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue.
+Doolittle:	A little of both, Guv'nor.  Like the rest of us, a
+		little of both.
+		-- Shaw, "Pygmalion"
+%
+High heels are a device invented by a woman
+who was tired of being kissed on the forehead.
+%
+High Priest:	Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
+Bro. Maynard:	And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
+	saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
+	smash our enemies to tiny bits."  And the Lord did grin, and the
+	people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and
+	breakfast cereals, and lima bean-
+High Priest:	Skip a bit, brother.
+Bro. Maynard:	And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take
+	out the holy pin.  Then shalt thou count to three.  No more, no less.
+	*Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the
+	counting shall be three.  *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither
+	count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three.  Five is
+	RIGHT OUT.  Once the number three, being the third number be reached,
+	then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being
+	naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.  Amen.
+All:	Amen.
+		-- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade"
+%
+HIGH TECHNOLOGY:
+	A California innovation composed
+	of equal parts of silicon and marijuana.
+%
+Higher education helps your earning capacity.  Ask any college professor.
+%
+Hildebrant's Principle:
+	If you don't know where you are going,
+	any road will get you there.
+%
+Him:	"Your skin is so soft.  Are you a model?"
+Her:	"No,"  [blush]  "I'm a cosmetologist."
+Him:	"Really? That's incredible...
+	It must be very tough to handle weightlessness."
+		-- "The Jerk"
+%
+Hindsight is always 20:20.
+		-- Billy Wilder
+%
+Hindsight is an exact science.
+%
+hippogriff, n:
+	An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
+	The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half
+	eagle.  The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
+	eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.
+	The study of zoology is full of surprises.
+%
+Hire the morally handicapped.
+%
+His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob
+a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.
+		-- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
+%
+...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest.
+		-- Tommy
+%
+"His eyes were cold.  As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling
+outside.  Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..."
+%
+His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god.  He preferred
+to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam.  He never
+claimed to be a god.  But then, he never claimed not to be a god.  Circum-
+stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
+Silence, though, could.  It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
+went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
+prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
+goddess of the Night.  The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
+the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
+Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
+rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
+Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
+		-- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
+%
+His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
+%
+His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water.
+		-- P.G. Wodehouse
+%
+His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
+%
+His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice.
+		-- Foghorn Leghorn
+%
+His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.
+%
+Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer
+of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that
+continues to this day.
+		-- Wayne Shannon
+%
+History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
+%
+History has much to say on following the proper procedures.  From a history
+of the Mexican revolution:
+
+	"Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara.  The rebel army was
+captured on its way through the mountains.  All were courtmartialed and
+shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest.  He was handed over to
+the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the
+army where he was then executed."
+%
+History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
+i.e. none to speak of.
+		-- Lazarus Long
+%
+History is curious stuff
+	You'd think by now we had enough
+Yet the fact remains I fear
+	They make more of it every year.
+%
+History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles,
+cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.
+		-- Leo Tolstoy
+%
+History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).
+%
+History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.
+		-- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
+%
+History repeats itself.  That's one thing wrong with history.
+%
+History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second
+time as bedroom farce.
+%
+History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.
+%
+History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,
+periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them
+asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at
+intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another...  Truly the imago
+state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained.
+		-- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species"
+%
+Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy,
+Burn that sausage just a match or two more done.
+Pour my black old coffee longer,
+While that smell is gettin' stronger
+A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want.
+
+Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me,
+With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun,
+If that coat'll fit you're wearin',
+The Lord'll bless your sharin'
+A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want.
+
+And let me halfway fall in love,
+For part of a lonely night,
+With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
+Yes, I could halfway fall in deep--
+Into a snugglin', lovin' heap,
+With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
+		-- Elroy Blunt
+%
+Hitchcock's Staple Principle:
+	The stapler runs out of staples
+	only while you are trying to staple something.
+%
+H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H.L. Mencken.
+There is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
+		-- Maxwell Bodenhein
+%
+H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H.L.
+Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
+		-- Maxwell Bodenheim
+%
+H.L. Mencken's Law:
+	Those who can -- do.
+	Those who can't -- teach.
+
+Martin's Extension:
+	Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
+
+		[No, those who can't teach, teach here.  Ed.]
+%
+Hlade's Law:
+	If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person --
+	they will find an easier way to do it.
+%
+Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents:
+An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel.
+
+The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional
+media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters,
+discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways.  The artist explores
+our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental
+structures in a post-industrial world.  She/he (the artist prefers to
+remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and
+creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its
+inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and
+class-based stress.  The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of
+the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has
+sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to
+exist in a more fundamental sense.
+%
+Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
+	Inside every large problem is a small
+	problem struggling to get out.
+%
+Hodie natus est radici frater.
+%
+Hoffer's Discovery:
+	The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly
+	revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
+%
+Hofstadter's Law:
+	It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
+	Hofstadter's Law into account.
+%
+HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
+	Take a shot every time:
+
+-- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
+-- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
+-- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
+-- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
+-- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
+	if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
+-- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
+-- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
+	tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
+-- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
+-- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
+-- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
+-- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
+-- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
+-- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
+-- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
+-- Lebeau wears his apron.
+-- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the
+	plan is impossible.
+-- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
+%
+Hollerith, v:
+	What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.
+%
+Holy Dilemma!  Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder?
+Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh?
+
+	Tune in again tomorrow:
+	same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
+%
+HOLY MACRO!
+%
+Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
+they have to take you in.
+		-- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
+%
+Home is where the hurt is.
+%
+Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a
+cage is to a cockatoo.
+		-- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.
+%
+"Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
+		-- Samuel Butler
+%
+Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.
+		-- Plato
+%
+Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
+		-- F.M. Hubbard
+%
+Honesty's the best policy.
+		-- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+honeymoon, n:
+	A short period of doting between dating and debting.
+		-- Ray C. Bandy
+%
+Honi soit la vache qui rit.
+%
+Honk if you love peace and quiet.
+%
+honorable, adj:
+	Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.  In legislative
+	bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable;
+	as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
+%
+Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
+		-- Francis Bacon
+%
+Hope is a waking dream.
+		-- Aristotle
+%
+Hope not, lest ye be disappointed.
+		-- M. Horner
+%
+Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
+%
+Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound.
+		-- Peanuts
+%
+Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much
+as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with.
+		-- Moore
+%
+Horner's Five Thumb Postulate:
+	Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
+%
+Horngren's Observation:
+	Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
+%
+Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
+		-- Jack Benny
+%
+Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
+		-- W.C. Fields
+%
+HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
+%
+HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...
+%
+Hotels are tired of getting ripped off.  I checked into a hotel and they
+had towels from my house.
+		-- Mark Guido
+%
+Houdini escaping from New Jersey!
+%
+Household hint:
+	If you are out of cream for your coffee,
+	mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.
+%
+Housework can kill you if done right.
+		-- Erma Bombeck
+%
+Houston, Tranquillity Base here.  The Eagle has landed.
+		-- Neil Armstrong
+%
+How apt the poor are to be proud.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
+%
+How can you be in two places at once
+when you're not anywhere at all?
+%
+How can you do 'New Math' problems with an 'Old Math' mind?
+		-- Schulz
+%
+How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
+		-- Charles de Gaulle
+%
+How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
+		-- Pink Floyd
+%
+How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our
+thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another
+in the waking state?
+		-- Plato
+%
+How can you think and hit at the same time?
+		-- Yogi Berra
+%
+How can you work when the system's so crowded?
+%
+How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
+%
+How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they
+claim they'll make you?
+%
+How come we never talk anymore?
+%
+How come wrong numbers are never busy?
+%
+How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards 
+in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?
+		-- A. Cooper
+%
+How could they think women a recreation?
+Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest?
+Only the ignorant or the busy could.  That elm
+of flesh must prove a luxury of primes;
+be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth.
+Which is not to damn the forested China of touching.
+I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge
+of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me.
+The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth.
+Splendid.  Splendid.  Splendid.  Like Rome.  Like loins.
+A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying.
+I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege,
+for my life has been eaten in that foliate city.
+To ambergris.  But not for recreation.
+I would not have lost so much for recreation.
+
+Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game
+of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming.
+Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness
+have I come this far, stubborn, disasterous way.
+But for relish of those archipelagoes of person.
+To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow,
+and call and call forever till she turn from bird
+to blowing woods.  From woods to jungle.  Persimmon.
+To light.  From light to princess.  From princess to woman
+in all her fresh particularity of difference.
+Then oh, through the underwater time of night
+indecent and still, to speak to her without habit.
+This I have done with my life, and am content.
+I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark,
+standing in the huge singing and the alien world.
+	-- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell"
+%
+How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
+		-- Elliot, "E.T."
+%
+"How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded.  "And why were you afraid
+to let her touch you?  I saw you.  You were afraid of her."
+	"I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
+replied without rancor.  "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were 
+you.  As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
+deceived by appearances.  Unlike human beings, who enjoy them.  As for your
+second question --"  Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
+in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
+licked himself smooth again.  Even then he would not look at Molly, but 
+examined his claws.
+	"If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
+hers and not my own, not ever again."
+		-- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
+%
+How doth the little crocodile
+	Improve his shining tail,
+And pour the waters of the Nile
+	On every golden scale!
+
+How cheerfully he seems to grin,
+	How neatly spreads his claws,
+And welcomes little fishes in,
+	With gently smiling jaws!
+%
+How doth the VAX's C-compiler
+	Improve its object code.
+And even as we speak does it
+	Increase the system load.
+
+How patiently it seems to run
+	And spit out error flags,
+While users, with frustration, all
+	Tear their clothes to rags.
+%
+How is the world ruled, and how do wars start?  Diplomats tell lies to
+journalists, and they believe what they read.
+		-- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms"
+%
+How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.
+%
+How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
+%
+How many "coming men" has one known!  Where on earth do they all go to?
+		-- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero
+%
+How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by
+a waiter at a nice party?
+	Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
+d'oeuvre.  If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's
+inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say:  "This is
+cheese!  I hate cheese!"  Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and
+bite another one and go, "Darn it!  Another cheese!" and so on.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
+%
+How many weeks are there in a light year?
+%
+How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton?
+		-- UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey, Brian Boyle
+%
+How much does she love you?
+Less than you'll ever know.
+%
+How much for your women?  I want to buy your
+daughter... how much for the little girl?
+		-- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"
+%
+How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
+%
+How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?
+%
+How often I found where I should be going
+only by setting out for somewhere else.
+		-- R. Buckminster Fuller
+%
+How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
+%
+How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?"
+		-- Linus Van Pelt
+%
+How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
+		-- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes
+%
+How untasteful can you get?
+%
+How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
+%
+How you look depends on where you go.
+%
+However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity
+in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea.
+		-- Tom K. Ryan
+%
+However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise.  There
+is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs.
+There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ,
+or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being.  But like any
+powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used
+sparingly.  The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are
+not using their religious clout with wisdom.  They are trying to force
+government leaders into following their position 100 percent.  If you disagree
+with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they
+threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both.  I'm frankly sick and
+tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen
+that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and
+"D."  Just who do they think they are?  And from where do they presume to
+claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me?  And I am even more
+angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group
+who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll
+call in the Senate.  I am warning them today:  I will fight them every step
+of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans
+in the name of "conservatism."
+		-- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record
+%
+HR 3128.  Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986.  Martin, R-Ill., motion
+that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making
+changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits.  The Senate amendment
+was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House
+amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill.  The original Senate amendment
+was the conference agreement on the bill.  Agreed to.
+		-- Albuquerque Journal
+%
+Hubbard's Law:
+	Don't take life too seriously;
+	you won't get out of it alive.
+%
+Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!  
+Oh wait...
+I'm a computer, and you're a person.  It would never work out.
+Never mind.
+%
+Huh?
+%
+Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
+%
+Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929.
+Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating
+table to prevent her interference, he placed a ureteral catheter into
+a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
+walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory
+x-ray film.  In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.
+%
+Human kind cannot bear very much reality.
+		-- T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton"
+%
+Human resources are human first, and resources second.
+		-- J. Garbers
+%
+Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, 
+responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and 
+immature.
+		-- Tom Robbins
+%
+Humans are communications junkies.  We just can't get enough.
+		-- Alan Kay
+%
+Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.
+		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
+%
+Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
+%
+Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
+		-- William Gilbert
+%
+Humorists always sit at the children's table.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+"Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on
+chatting with persons who've never existed.  Such carryings-on in our peaceable
+jungle!  We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle!  And I'm here to
+state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all
+through!"  And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!"
+	"With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham
+Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged,
+You're going to be roped!  And you're going to be caged!  And, as for your
+dust speck...  Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But
+oil!"
+		-- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
+%
+Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
+Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!
+All the king's horses,
+And all the king's men,
+Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again!
+%
+Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
+%
+Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
+	The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
+	to... to... uh.....
+%
+I:
+	The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
+	with a silk sow.  The same is true of money.
+II:
+	If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would
+	probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
+III:
+	There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
+IV:
+	If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
+V:
+	One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output.
+	Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average
+	output.
+		-- Norman Augustine
+%
+I  wish  there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
+There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work.
+		-- Gallagher
+%
+I accept chaos.  I am not sure whether it accepts me.  I know some people
+are terrified of the bomb.  But then some people are terrified to be seen
+carrying a modern screen magazine.  Experience teaches us that silence
+terrifies people the most.
+		-- Bob Dylan
+%
+I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.
+		-- John Hinckley
+%
+I ain't got no quarrle with them Viet Congs.
+		-- Muhammad Ali
+%
+I allow the world to live as it chooses,
+and I allow myself to live as I choose.
+%
+I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor
+or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority
+viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
+		-- Richard M. Nixon
+
+What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
+		-- Richard M. Nixon
+%
+I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their
+good intellects.  Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
+		-- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
+%
+I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.
+		-- David Bowie
+%
+I always pass on good advice.  It is the only thing to do with it.
+It is never any good to oneself.
+		-- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"
+%
+I always say beauty is only sin deep.
+		-- Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat"
+%
+I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's
+accomplishments.  The front page has nothing but man's failures.
+		-- Chief Justice Earl Warren
+%
+I always wake up at the crack of ice.
+		-- Joe E. Lewis
+%
+I always will remember --		I was in no mood to trifle;
+'Twas a year ago November --		I got down my trusty rifle
+I went out to shoot some deer		And went out to stalk my prey --
+On a morning bright and clear.		What a haul I made that day!
+I went and shot the maximum		I tied them to my bumper and
+The game laws would allow:		I drove them home somehow,
+Two game wardens, seven hunters,	Two game wardens, seven hunters,
+And a cow.				And a cow.
+
+The Law was very firm, it		People ask me how I do it
+Took away my permit--			And I say, "There's nothin' to it!
+The worst punishment I ever endured.	You just stand there lookin' cute,
+It turns out there was a reason:	And when something moves, you shoot."
+Cows were out of season, and		And there's ten stuffed heads
+One of the hunters wasn't insured.	In my trophy room right now:
+					Two game wardens, seven hunters,
+					And a pure-bred gurnsey cow.
+		-- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song"
+%
+I am a bookaholic.  If you are a decent
+person, you will not sell me another book.
+%
+I am a computer.
+I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
+%
+I am a conscientious man, when I throw
+rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
+		-- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
+%
+I am a deeply superficial person.
+		-- Andy Warhol
+%
+I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend
+than be one.
+		-- Clarence Darrow
+%
+I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.
+		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
+%
+I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented
+limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.
+		-- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
+%
+I am an optimist.  It does not seem too much use being anything else.
+		-- Winston Churchill
+%
+I am changing my name to Chrysler
+I am going down to Washington, D.C.
+I will tell some power broker
+	What they did for Iacocca
+Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
+
+I am changing my name to Chrysler,
+I am heading for that great receiving line.
+When they hand a million grand out,
+	I'll be standing with my hand out,
+Yessir, I'll get mine!
+%
+I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves
+for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice.  To be a man
+is to suffer for others.
+		-- Cesar Chavez
+%
+I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry.  I really think that three
+quarters of it is gibberish.  However, I must crush down these thoughts
+otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me.
+		-- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell
+%
+I am firm.  You are obstinate.  He is a pig-headed fool.
+		-- Katharine Whitehorn
+%
+I am getting into abstract painting.  Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,
+I just think about it.  I just went to an art museum where all of the art
+was done by children.  All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of
+pre-Adamite ancestral descent.  You will understand this when I tell you
+that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic
+globule.  Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable.  I
+can't help it.  I was born sneering.
+		-- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado"
+%
+I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.
+	-- Yul Brynner, 1956
+%
+I am looking for a honest man.
+		-- Diogenes the Cynic
+%
+I am NOMAD!
+%
+I am not a crook.
+		-- Richard Nixon
+%
+I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.
+		-- A. Ward
+%
+I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
+		-- William Allen White
+%
+I am not an Economist.  I am an honest man!
+		-- Paul McCracken
+%
+I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
+		-- Gloria Steinem
+%
+I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say
+(in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.
+		-- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason"
+%
+I am ready to meet my Maker.  Whether my Maker is prepared
+for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
+		-- W. Churchill
+%
+I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
+has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
+		-- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University
+%
+I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
+%
+I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
+%
+I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so.
+		-- John Donne
+%
+I am two with nature.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+I am very fond of the company of ladies.  I like their beauty,
+I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
+		-- Samuel Johnson
+%
+I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the
+sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are
+loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.
+		-- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
+		   University of Tennessee at Knoxville
+%
+I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards
+why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the
+small number needed [1 per month] in his factory.  He explained that this
+would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency.
+Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures
+them completely, even molding the keypads.
+		-- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979
+%
+I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,
+ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.
+%
+I B M
+U B M
+We all B M
+For I B M!!!!
+		-- H.A.R.L.I.E.
+%
+I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
+		-- Gilda Radner
+%
+I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the
+perfect woman.  I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough,
+I would find her and then I would be secure for life.  Well, the years
+and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone
+a lot less than my idea of perfection.  But one day, after many years
+together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness.  My
+wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching
+the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees.  The only sounds to
+be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting
+to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window.  And
+as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and
+twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection...  It comes only
+with time.
+		-- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman"
+%
+I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
+particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute
+-- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
+how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishoners for whom
+to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
+political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely
+because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or
+the people who might elect him.
+		-- John F. Kennedy
+%
+I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
+		-- G.K. Chesterton
+%
+I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+I believe that professional wrestling is clean
+and everything else in the world is fixed.
+		-- Frank Deford, sports writer
+%
+I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac
+thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the
+total discrediting of the world of reality.
+		-- Salvador Dali
+%
+I belong to no organized party.  I am a Democrat.
+		-- Will Rogers
+%
+I bet the human brain is a kludge.
+		-- Marvin Minsky
+%
+I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on
+the same day.  Then that night, they burned the wheel.
+		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always
+end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows."  Then they would get
+embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
+they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
+		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub.
+		-- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during
+		   a visit to a London veterans hospital
+%
+I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
+		-- Stephen Wright
+%
+I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see
+Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the
+box office.  I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon
+relief from the Washington Summer.  Instead I was traumatized.  As a
+psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be
+more effective.  For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable
+sense of security and comfort.  Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to
+be great conversationalists.  Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe
+as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd
+thunderstorm.  You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover
+the meadow, generally mellow out.  Then, without any particular warning,
+your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on
+your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the
+apparent intention of having sex.  Next thing you know, the forest burns
+down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III.
+		-- Townsend Davis
+%
+I call them as I see them.  If I can't see them, I make them up.
+		-- Biff Barf
+%
+I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference.
+They're still living in the fifties.
+		-- Strange de Jim
+%
+I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
+%
+I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew.
+All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself.
+		-- Firesign Theatre
+%
+I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
+%
+I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
+		-- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"
+%
+I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.
+		-- Jay Gould
+%
+I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart,
+and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.
+		-- Larry Lee
+%
+I can relate to that.
+%
+I can resist anything but temptation.
+%
+I can see him a'comin'
+With his big boots on,
+With his big thumb out,
+He wants to get me.
+He wants to hurt me.
+He wants to bring me down.
+But some time later,
+When I feel a little straighter,
+I'll come across a stranger
+Who'll remind me of the danger,
+And then.... I'll run him over.
+Pretty smart on my part!
+To find my way... In the dark!
+		-- Phil Ochs
+%
+I can write better than anybody who can write faster,
+and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
+		-- A.J. Liebling
+%
+I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
+		-- Lillian Hellman
+%
+I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.
+		-- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics
+%
+I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats;
+If it be man's work I will do it.
+%
+I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
+		-- Steven Pearl
+%
+I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
+		-- Joe Walsh
+%
+I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.
+		-- Florence Henderson
+%
+I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
+		-- Phil Harris
+%
+I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side
+If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will
+I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With
+	Your Socks Outside-in
+I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love
+Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride
+I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
+I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
+I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time
+		-- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
+%
+I can't mate in captivity.
+		-- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married.
+%
+I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along."
+It isn't that I can't toddle.  It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
+		-- Robert Benchley
+%
+I can't stand squealers; hit that guy.
+		-- Albert Anastasia
+%
+I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork.  It's useless to fight the
+forms.  You've got to kill the people producing them.
+		-- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine
+		   Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist
+		   Party Conference
+%
+I can't understand it.
+I can't even understand the people who can understand it.
+		-- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands
+%
+I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
+novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
+		-- Fred Allen
+%
+I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas.
+I'm frightened of the old ones.
+		-- John Cage
+%
+I collect rare photographs...  I have two...  One of Houdini locking his
+keys in his car...  the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating
+up a child.
+		-- Stephen Wright
+%
+I come from a small town whose population never changed.  Each time
+a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
+		-- Michael Prichard
+%
+I consider a new device or technology to have been
+culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.
+		-- M. Gallaher
+%
+I consider the day misspent that I am not
+either charged with a crime, or arrested for one.
+		-- "Ratsy" Tourbillon
+%
+I could never learn to like her --
+except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
+%
+I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed.  Except perhaps the
+time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand.
+		-- Peter Oakley
+%
+I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
+%
+I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives.  I don't see why
+I should have to believe in it in this one.
+		-- Strange de Jim
+%
+I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!
+                -- Bart Simpson
+%
+I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired.
+But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired.
+		-- Rita Gain
+%
+I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
+%
+I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.  
+The curtain was up.
+%
+"I didn't order any WOO-WOO...  Maybe a YUBBA...  But no WOO-WOO!"
+		-- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+I disagree with what you say, but will defend
+to the death your right to tell such LIES!
+%
+I distrust a close-mouthed man.  He generally picks the wrong time to talk
+and says the wrong things.  Talking's something you can't do judiciously,
+unless you keep in practice.  Now, sir, we'll talk if you like.  I'll tell
+you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk.
+		-- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
+%
+I distrust a man who says when.  If he's got to be careful not to drink
+too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
+		-- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
+%
+I do desire we may be better strangers.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
+%
+I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.
+%
+I do hate sums.  There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
+exact science.  There are permutations and aberrations discernible to minds
+entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary accountants fail
+to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a mind like mine to
+perceive.  For instance, if you add a sum from the bottom up, and then again
+from the top down, the result is always different.
+		-- Mrs. La Touche
+%
+I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
+Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,
+nor by any Church that I know of.  My own mind is my own Church.
+		-- Thomas Paine
+%
+I do not care if half the league strikes.  Those who do will encounter
+quick retribution.  All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks
+the National League for five years.  This is the United States of America
+and one citizen has as much right to play as another.
+		-- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a
+		   threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if
+		   Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis.  The
+		   Cardinals backed down and played.
+%
+I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them.
+		-- Isaac Asimov
+%
+I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with
+sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
+		-- Galileo Galilei
+%
+I do not know myself and God forbid that I should.
+		-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
+%
+I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern,
+any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted.  Mythology
+comes nearest to it of any.
+		-- Henry David Thoreau
+%
+I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a
+butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
+		-- Chuang-tzu
+%
+I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which,
+starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance,
+reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to
+devote it to research in mathematics.
+		-- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183
+%
+I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them.
+I ask nothing but sincerity.  If they come out of habit, they become
+tiresome.
+		-- I Ching
+%
+I do not take drugs -- I am drugs.
+		-- Salvador Dali
+%
+I don't believe in astrology.  But then I'm an
+Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology.
+		-- James Quirk
+%
+I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to
+run their own business.  I know men that would make my wife a better
+husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.
+	-- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn!
+		-- Heard in Bethlehem
+%
+I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.
+		-- Calvin Trillin
+%
+I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't
+deserve that either.
+		-- Jack Benny
+%
+I don't do it for the money.
+		-- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal
+%
+I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.
+		-- K. Coates
+%
+I don't even butter my bread.  I consider that cooking.
+		-- Katherine Cebrian
+%
+I don't get no respect.
+%
+I don't have an eating problem.  I eat.
+I get fat.  I buy new clothes.  No problem.
+%
+I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
+		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
+%
+I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got
+hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
+		-- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
+%
+I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds.  I hold them above
+globes.  They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."
+		-- Bruce Baum
+%
+I don't know anything about music.  In my line you don't have to.
+		-- Elvis Presley
+%
+I don't know what Descartes' got,
+But booze can do what Kant cannot.
+		-- Mike Cross
+%
+I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much
+more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
+		-- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home.
+		-- Ken Olson, president of DEC, 1974
+%
+I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.
+%
+I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't,
+because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it.
+		-- Clarence Darrow
+%
+I don't like the Dutchman.  He's a crocodile.  He's sneaky.
+I don't trust him.
+		-- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference
+		   with Dutch Schultz.
+
+I don't trust Legs.  He's nuts.  He gets excited and starts pulling a
+trigger like another guy wipes his nose.
+		-- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with
+		   "Legs" Diamond.
+%
+I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.
+		-- Cash McCall
+%
+I don't mind arguing with myself.
+It's when I lose that it bothers me.
+		-- Richard Powers
+%
+I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
+streets and frighten the horses.
+		-- Victor Hugo
+%
+I don't need no arms around me...
+I don't need no drugs to calm me...
+I have seen the writing on the wall.
+Don't think I need anything at all.
+No!  Don't think I need anything at all!
+All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
+All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
+		-- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III
+%
+I don't remember it, but I have it written down.
+%
+I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before
+he starts to practice law.
+		-- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother
+		   Attorney-General.
+%
+I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
+fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
+		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican
+Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters.
+		-- Richard Nixon, 1972
+%
+"I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down
+to the sea and drown yourselves."
+
+"How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why
+you human beings don't."
+		-- James Thurber
+%
+I don't understand you anymore.
+%
+I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight,
+But there will definitely be a party tonight...
+%
+I don't want a pickle,
+I just wanna ride on my motorcycle.
+And I don't want to die,
+I just want to ride on my motorcycle.
+		-- Arlo Guthrie
+%
+I don't want people to love me.  It makes for obligations.
+		-- Jean Anouilh
+%
+I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
+I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.
+%
+I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
+%
+I dote on his very absence.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
+%
+I dread success.  To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on
+earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has
+succeeded in his courtship.  I like a state of continual becoming, with a
+goal in front and not behind.
+		-- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+I drink to make other people interesting.
+		-- George Jean Nathan
+%
+I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it.
+%
+I enjoy the time that we spend together.
+%
+I exist, therefore I am paid.
+%
+I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
+%
+I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...
+%
+I fell asleep reading a dull book,
+and I dreamt that I was reading on,
+so I woke up from sheer boredom.
+%
+I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an
+honest difference of opinion.
+		- Isaac Asimov
+%
+I finally went to the eye doctor.  I got contacts.
+I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups.
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.
+		-- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd
+		   just shot.
+%
+I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
+		-- Augustus Caesar
+%
+I gave my love an Apple, that had no core;
+I gave my love a building, that had no floor;
+I wrote my love a program, that had no end;
+I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'.
+
+How can there be an Apple, that has no core?
+How can there be a building, that has no floor?
+How can there be a program, that has no end?
+How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'?
+
+An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core!
+A building that's perfect, it has no flaw!
+A program with GOTOs, it has no end!
+I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'!
+%
+I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
+		-- Mae West
+%
+I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
+		-- Chauncey Depew
+%
+I get up each morning, gather my wits.
+Pick up the paper, read the obits.
+If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
+So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
+
+Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
+My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
+But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
+And think of the places my get-up has been.
+		-- Pete Seeger
+%
+I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?
+		-- Beauregard Bugleboy
+%
+I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
+		-- H.L. Mencken
+%
+I go the way that Providence dictates.
+		-- Adolf Hitler
+%
+"I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I
+pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?'  He
+said, 'Phoenix.'  So I pushed Phoenix.  A few seconds later the doors
+opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix.  I looked
+at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around
+with.'  We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert.
+Then the phone rang.  He said 'You get it.'  I picked it up and said
+'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...'
+The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank...
+It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
+attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we
+would just like to know what happened to the money?'  I said, 'Mr. Jones,
+I'll give it to you straight.  I gave all of the money to my friend Slick,
+and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it you never
+called me again."
+		-- Stephen Wright
+%
+I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.  Now
+when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
+farther, trying to see it clearly)...  and says, "Here, you can go."
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+I got the bill for my surgery.  Now I know what those doctors were
+wearing masks for.
+		-- James Boren
+%
+I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
+theater.  So I bought the album.  I got kicked out of a theater the
+other day for bringing my own food in.  I argued that the concession
+stand prices were outrageous.  Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
+long time.  I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
+$2.50.  I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl.  I once took a cab to
+a drive-in movie.  The movie cost me $95.
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
+		-- Butch Cassidy
+%
+I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up
+and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
+
+No, I didn't. Just kidding.  I just said that to illustrate one of the
+human emotions which is freaking out.  Another emotion is greed, as when
+you kill someone for money or something like that.  Another emotion is
+generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
+puppet.
+		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER.  And maybe I don't want to.  Her spirit
+was wild, like a wild monkey.  Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
+being ridden by a wild monkey.  I forget her other qualities.
+		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
+time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
+win -- or even how you won.
+		-- Cash McCall
+%
+I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of
+other people...  Certainty is just an emotion.
+		-- Hal Clement
+%
+I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him
+Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat
+one of us.  Later, we found out he was a bear.
+		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.
+		-- D. Cavett
+%
+I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way.  We shot him, we skinned him, and
+we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
+		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+I had a dream last night...
+I dreamt about 1976.
+I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage...
+I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant.
+Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare...
+so I went back to sleep again.
+		-- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72"
+%
+I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all.  Depth beyond
+depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might
+see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing
+through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus.  I saw exactly
+why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after
+dinner and I let it go.
+		-- Winston Churchill
+%
+I had a virgin once.  I had to go to Guatemala for her.  She was blind
+in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami
+Beach."
+		-- The Stunt Man
+%
+I had another dream the other day about government financial management
+people.  They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they
+had stepped out of a painting by Goya.  
+%
+I had another dream the other day about music critics.  They were small
+and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a
+painting by Goya.
+		-- Stravinsky
+%
+I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black
+people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people
+put a black person through in this country.  To realize you don't have any
+power to make things different is a bitch.
+		-- Miles Davis
+%
+I had no shoes and I pitied myself.  Then I met a man who had no feet,
+so I took his shoes.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and
+implement a PL/1 compiler.
+		-- T. Cheatham
+%
+I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense.
+%
+I hate babies.  They're so human.
+		-- H.H. Munro
+%
+I hate dying.
+		-- Dave Johnson
+%
+I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
+it's going to be up all night.
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them,
+and I know how bad I am.
+		-- Samuel Johnson
+%
+I hate quotations.
+		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park
+there's nothing else to do.
+		-- Lenny Bruce
+%
+I hate trolls.  Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a
+ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon.
+		-- Willow
+%
+I have a box of telephone rings under my bed.  Whenever I get lonely, I
+open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call.  One day I dropped the
+box all over the floor.  The phone wouldn't stop ringing.  I had to get
+it disconnected.  So I got a new phone.  I didn't have much money, so I
+had to get an irregular.  It doesn't have a five.  I ran into a friend
+of mine on the street the other day.  He said why don't you give me a
+call.  I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
+doesn't have a five.  He asked how long had it been that way.  I said I
+didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
+		-- S. Wright
+%
+I have a dog; I named him Stay.  So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,
+Stay, here..." but he got wise to that.  Now when I call him he ignores me
+and just keeps on typing.
+		-- Stephen Wright
+%
+I have a dream.  I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, 
+the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to
+sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
+		-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
+%
+I have a friend whose a billionaire.  He invented Cliff's notes.  When
+I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I...
+I just... to make a long story short..."
+		-- Stephen Wright
+%
+I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
+		-- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters.
+%
+I have a hobby.  I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
+I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.  Maybe you've seen
+some of it.
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
+And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
+He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
+And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
+
+The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--
+Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
+For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball,
+And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
+		-- R.L. Stevenson
+%
+I have a map of the United States.  It's actual size.
+I spent last summer folding it.
+People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+I have a rock garden.  Last week three of them died.
+		-- Richard Diran
+%
+I have a simple philosophy:  
+
+	Fill what's empty.
+	Empty what's full.
+	Scratch where it itches.
+		-- A.R. Longworth
+%
+I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything.  Every once
+in a while I turn it on and off.  On and off.  On and off.  One day I
+got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+I have a terrible headache,  I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.
+%
+I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
+but I can't prove it.
+%
+I have a very small mind and must live with it.
+		-- E. Dijkstra
+%
+I have a very strange feeling about this...
+		-- Luke Skywalker
+%
+"I have accepted Provolone into my life!"
+		-- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to
+sacrifice my wife's brother.
+		-- Artemus Ward
+%
+I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes
+to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.
+		-- Winston Churchill, 1903
+%
+I have an existential map.  It has "You are here" written all over it.
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+I have become me without my consent.
+%
+I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which
+would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark."
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
+%
+I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,
+which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per
+cent an idiot.
+		-- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable
+to sit still in a room.
+		-- Blaise Pascal
+%
+I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. 
+I tell them the truth and they never believe me.
+		-- Camillo Di Cavour
+%
+I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and
+to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and
+support of the woman I love.
+		-- Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936, announcing his abdication
+		   of the British throne in order to marry the American
+		   divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson.
+%
+I have found little that is good about human beings.  In my experience
+most of them are trash.
+		-- Sigmund Freud
+%
+I have gained this by philosophy:
+that I do without being commanded what others
+do only from fear of the law.
+		-- Aristotle
+%
+I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my
+wife's brother.
+		-- Artemus Ward
+%
+I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
+		-- Edgar Allan Poe
+%
+I have had my television aerials removed.  It's the moral equivalent
+of a prostate operation.
+		-- Malcolm Muggeridge
+%
+I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
+		-- Plato
+%
+I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row.
+I do believe that is a record.
+		-- Dylan Thomas, his last words
+%
+I have learned silence from the talkative,
+toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.
+		-- Kahlil Gibran
+%
+I have lots of things in my pockets;
+None of them is worth anything.
+Sociopolitical whines aside,
+Gan you give me, gratis, free,
+The price of half a gallon
+Of Gallo extra bad
+And most of the bus fare home.
+%
+I have made mistakes but I have never made the
+mistake of claiming that I have never made one.
+		-- James Gordon Bennett
+%
+I have made this letter longer than usual
+because I lack the time to make it shorter.
+		-- Blaise Pascal
+%
+I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.
+%
+I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole BODY!
+		-- Cerebus, #82
+%
+I have never been one to sacrifice
+my appetite on the altar of appearance.
+		-- A.M. Readyhough
+%
+I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.
+		-- Rob Pike, on X.
+
+Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be
+gone in two years.  He was half right.
+		-- Dennis Ritchie
+
+Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong.
+		-- Jim Gettys
+%
+I have never understood this liking for war.  It panders to instincts
+already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic
+establishment.
+		-- Alan Bennett
+%
+I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race, 
+in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.    
+		-- Thoreau
+%
+I have no doubt the Devil grins,
+As seas of ink I spatter.
+Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins--
+The other kind don't matter.
+		-- Robert W. Service
+%
+I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his
+own eyes.  What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks
+of himself.  To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.
+		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
+%
+I have not yet begun to byte!
+%
+I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land.
+		-- George Wallace
+%
+I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying,
+and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would
+be blockhead enough to have me.
+		-- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.
+		-- Jimmy Carter
+%
+I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
+		-- Publilius Syrus
+%
+I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these
+Calculating Engines.  I have also declined several offers of great personal
+advantage to myself.  But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages
+for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and
+after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government
+of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only
+commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even
+the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the
+reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...
+	If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were
+a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the
+execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some
+justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I
+venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will
+ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if
+made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to
+declare the construction of such machinery impracticable...
+	And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed
+by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its
+advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I
+think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abtruse
+calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country.
+In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not
+be economized by the aid of machinery.
+		-- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher"
+%
+I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
+		-- Kehlog Albran
+%
+I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
+%
+I have that old biological urge,
+I have that old irresistible surge,
+I'm hungry.
+%
+I have the simplest tastes.  I am always satisfied with the best.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.
+		-- Richard Burton
+%
+I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with
+the best people in business administration.  I can assure you on the highest
+authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year.
+		-- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall
+		   publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior 
+		   editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new 
+		   science of data processing), c. 1957
+%
+I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
+		-- John D. Rockefeller
+%
+I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when
+you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
+		-- Poul Anderson
+%
+I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
+%
+I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
+%
+I hear the sound that the machines make,
+and feel my heart break, just for a moment.
+%
+I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
+%
+I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very
+interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell
+more than he knows.
+		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
+%
+I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...
+		-- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips,
+I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips,
+My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here,
+But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir.
+
+The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why,
+For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie,
+I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine,
+So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine.
+
+		-- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"
+%
+I hope you're not pretending to be evil while
+secretly being good.  That would be dishonest.
+%
+I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?
+		-- Raoul Duke
+%
+I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke.
+I think I saw God.
+	-- B. Hathrume Duk
+%
+I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels].
+He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial
+and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I
+ever needed one.  Needless to say, I readily agreed.
+		-- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times"
+%
+I just got out of the hospital after a
+speed reading accident.  I hit a bookmark.
+		-- S. Wright
+%
+I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field.
+		-- Casey Stengel
+%
+I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
+		-- Bill Hoest
+%
+"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
+"Did you ever see a doctor?"
+"No, just spots."
+%
+I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.
+I haven't had time for tobacco since.
+		-- Arturo Toscanini
+%
+I knew her before she was a virgin.
+		-- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day
+%
+I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off...
+If I could just remember what it was.
+%
+I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better
+take one along that worked.
+		-- Raymond Chandler
+%
+I know if you been talkin' you done said
+just how suprised you wuz by the living dead.
+You wuz suprised that they could understand you words
+and never respond once to all the truth they heard.
+But don't you get square!
+There ain't no rule that says they got to care.
+They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind.
+%
+I know not how I came into this,
+shall I call it a dying life or a living death?
+		-- St. Augustine
+%
+I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
+World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
+		-- Albert Einstein
+%
+I know on which side my bread is buttered.
+		-- John Heywood
+%
+I know the answer!  The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
+The answer is twelve?  I think I'm in the wrong building.
+		-- Charles Schulz
+%
+I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when
+you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.
+		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
+%
+I know what "custody" [of the children] means.  "Get even."  That's all
+custody means.  Get even with your old lady.
+		-- Lenny Bruce
+%
+"I know what you're thinking -- `Did he fire six shots or only five?'
+Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track
+myself.  But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the
+world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself
+one question: `Do I feel lucky?'  Well, do you, punk?"
+		-- Harry Callahan, badge #2211
+%
+I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says,
+but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what
+it means.
+%
+I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said,
+but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.
+%
+I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.
+%
+I lately lost a preposition;
+It hid, I thought, beneath my chair
+And angrily I cried, "Perdition!
+Up from out of under there."
+
+Correctness is my vade mecum,
+And straggling phrases I abhor,
+And yet I wondered, "What should he come
+Up from out of under for?"
+		-- Morris Bishop
+%
+I lay my head on the railroad tracks,
+Waitin' for the double E.
+The railroad don't run no more.
+Poor poor pitiful me.			[chorus]
+	Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me.
+	These young girls won't let me be,
+	Lord have mercy on me!
+	Woe is me!
+
+Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood,
+Well, I ain't naming names.
+But she really worked me over good,
+She was just like Jesse James.
+She really worked me over good,
+She was a credit to her gender.
+She put me through some changes, boy,
+Sort of like a Waring blender.		[chorus]
+
+I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar,
+She asked me if I'd beat her.
+She took me back to the Hyatt House,
+I don't want to talk about it.		[chorus]
+		-- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me"
+%
+I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they
+didn't is just lyin'!
+		-- Willie Nelson
+%
+I like being single.  I'm always there when I need me.
+		-- Art Leo
+%
+I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull
+that kidnapped Europa.
+		-- Marcus Tullius Cicero
+%
+I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
+promote peace than our governments.  Indeed, I think that people want
+peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
+the way and let them have it.
+		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
+%
+I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
+%
+I like young girls.  Their stories are shorter.
+		-- Tom McGuane
+%
+I like your game but we have to change the rules.
+%
+I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
+%
+I loathe people who keep dogs.  They are cowards who haven't got the guts
+to bite people themselves.
+		-- August Strindberg
+%
+I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.
+I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
+		-- Art Buchwald
+%
+I love being married.  It's so great to find that one special
+person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
+		-- Rita Rudner
+%
+I love children.  Especially when they cry -- for then
+someone takes them away.
+		-- Nancy Mitford
+%
+I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas.  A Chihuahua isn't a dog.
+It's a rat with a thyroid problem.
+%
+I love mankind ... It's people I hate.
+		-- Schulz
+%
+I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
+		-- Walt Disney
+%
+I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
+		-- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now"
+%
+I love treason but hate a traitor.
+		-- Gaius Julius Caesar
+%
+I love you more than anything in this world.  I don't expect that will last.
+		-- Elvis Costello
+%
+I love you, not only for what you are,
+but for what I am when I am with you.
+		-- Roy Croft
+%
+I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might
+commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it
+irresistable.
+		-- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"
+%
+I married beneath me.  All women do.
+		-- Lady Nancy Astor
+%
+I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
+%
+I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously.
+		-- Doctor Graper
+%
+I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
+		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
+%
+I met a wonderful new man.  He's fictional, but you can't have everything.
+		-- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"
+%
+I met my latest girl friend in a department store.  She was looking at
+clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a
+congressman.
+		-- Will Rogers
+%
+I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's;
+I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create.
+		-- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
+%
+I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
+		-- Alexander Woolcott
+%
+I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
+week sometimes to make it up.
+		-- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
+%
+I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!
+%
+I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts.
+%
+I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres
+and planets.  Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit
+-- around the sun.  If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if
+we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand
+feet for the base.
+
+And it has advantages.  The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson
+sphere.  We can spin it on its axis for gravity.  A rotation speed of 770
+m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal.  We wouldn't even need to
+roof it over.  Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the
+sun.  Very little air will leak over the edges.
+
+Lord knows the thing is roomy enough.  With three million times the surface
+area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the
+crowding.
+		-- Larry Niven, "Ringworld"
+%
+I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.
+		-- Fratianno
+%
+I needed the good will of the legislature of four states.  I formed the
+legislative bodies with my own money.  I found that it was cheaper that
+way.
+		-- Jay Gould
+%
+I never cheated an honest man, only rascals.  They wanted
+something for nothing.  I gave them nothing for something.
+		-- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil
+%
+I never deny, I never contradict.  I sometimes forget.
+		-- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the
+		   Royal Family
+%
+I never did it that way before.
+%
+I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the
+places they do today.
+		-- Will Rogers
+%
+I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they
+could do was to go away.
+%
+I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+I never killed a man that didn't deserve it.
+		-- Mickey Cohen
+%
+I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
+		-- Mae West
+%
+I never made a mistake in my life.
+I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
+		-- Lucy Van Pelt
+%
+I never met a man I didn't want to fight.
+		-- Lyle Alzado, professional footbal lineman
+%
+I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
+%
+I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.
+%
+I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers;
+what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats.
+%
+I never saw a purple cow
+I never hope to see one
+But I can tell you anyhow
+I'd rather see than be one.
+		-- Gellett Burgess
+
+I've never seen a purple cow
+I never hope to see one
+But from the milk we're getting now
+There certainly must be one
+		-- Odgen Nash
+
+Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"   
+I'm sorry now I wrote it
+But I can tell you anyhow
+I'll kill you if you quote it.
+		-- Gellett Burgess, many years later
+%
+I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.
+%
+I never vote for anyone.  I always vote against.
+		-- W.C. Fields
+%
+I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
+		-- G.B. Shaw
+%
+I only know what I read in the papers.
+		-- Will Rogers
+%
+I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a
+letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished
+words and an implicit sense of her departure.  It's so curious: one can
+resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief.  But
+then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices
+that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or
+a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.
+		-- Letters From Colette
+%
+I owe, I owe,
+It's off to work I go...
+%
+I owe the government $3400 in taxes.  So I sent them two hammers and a
+toilet seat.
+		-- Michael McShane
+%
+I owe the public nothing.
+		-- J.P. Morgan
+%
+I own my own body, but I share.
+%
+I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as
+the greatest of dangers to be feared.  To preserve our independence, we must
+not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt.  If we run into such debts, we
+must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts,
+in our labor and in our amusements.  If we can prevent the government from
+wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they
+will be happy.
+		-- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind
+of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances
+being in widespread use.  Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms
+of talent, on who could make an album, so we made one, and it sounds like
+a group of people who have been given powerful but unfamiliar instruments
+as a therapy for a degenerative nerve disease.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+I pledge allegiance to the flag
+of the United States of America
+and to the republic for which it stands,
+one nation,
+indivisible,
+with liberty
+and justice for all.
+		-- Francis Bellamy, 1892
+%
+I poured spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.
+		-- S. Wright
+%
+I prefer rogues to imbeciles  because they sometimes take a rest.
+		-- Alexandre Dumas the Younger
+%
+I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.
+		-- Cicero
+
+Even peace may be purchased at too high a price.
+		-- Poor Richard
+%
+I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
+		-- William F. Buckley
+%
+I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures of cats
+on them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
+		-- Stephen Wright
+%
+I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.
+	-- Stephen Wright
+%
+I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
+		-- Stephen Wright
+%
+I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of
+tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for:  If
+they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go
+crude.  I'm a very technical boy.  So I decided to get as crude as possible.
+These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even
+aspire to crudeness.
+		-- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic"
+%
+I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.
+		-- Neil Armstrong
+%
+I quite agree with you, said the Duchess; and the moral of that is -- 'Be
+what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- 'Never
+imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others
+that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had
+been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'
+%
+I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because
+parents were taking their children to see it.  So what?  Why should the
+motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality?
+	Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town."
+	"What's it about?"
+	"Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals."
+	"Sounds great!  Let's take the kids!"
+		-- Ian Shoales
+%
+I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.
+To see the sights I'm never going to visit.
+%
+I read the newspaper avidly.  It is my one form of continuous fiction.
+		-- Aneurin Bevan
+%
+I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
+Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
+trucks.  But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
+go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
+that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
+%
+I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
+		-- Marilyn Chambers
+%
+I really hate this damned machine
+I wish that they would sell it.
+It never does quite what I want
+But only what I tell it.
+%
+I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens
+who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known
+something of what has been passing in their time.
+		-- H. Truman
+%
+I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the
+wall that didn't do anything... so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just
+flick that switch up and down... up and down... up and down...
+Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany... it just said
+"Cut it out."
+		-- Stephen Wright
+%
+I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the
+reader.  But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if
+I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.
+		-- Stephen King
+%
+I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery.  I insist on
+believing that some men are my equals.
+		-- Brigid Brophy
+%
+I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
+%
+I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the
+morning.  A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for
+the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to
+invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine.  Who composed
+the opening theme music of 'Omnibus'?  My friend said Virgil Thomson."  I
+asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said,
+"You're right."  The porter said,  "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint
+that way."  I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed.
+		-- Alistair Cooke
+%
+I remember Ulysses well...  Left one day for the post office
+to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar,
+and didn't come back for 20 years.
+%
+I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some
+kind of loophole.
+		-- Leo Kessler
+%
+I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.  Now it
+looks like I'm the only one moving.
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
+		-- Wilson Mizner
+%
+I respect the institution of marriage.  I have always thought that every
+woman should marry -- and no man.
+		-- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"
+%
+I reverently believe that the maker who made us all  makes everything in New
+England, but the weather.  I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
+raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
+New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
+countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
+if they don't get it.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+"I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."
+He said,"What you need is to grow up, son."
+I said,"Growin' up leads to growin' old,
+And then to dying, and to me that don't sound like much fun."
+		-- John Cougar, "The Authority Song"
+%
+I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink...
+and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
+%
+I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,
+'Round and round they sped.
+I was disturbed at this,
+I accosted the man,
+"It is futile," I said.
+"You can never--"
+"You lie!" He cried,
+and ran on.
+		-- Stephen Crane
+%
+I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
+	-- Stephen Wright
+%
+I saw Lassie.  It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid
+never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that
+deserve a series?"
+%
+I saw what you did and I know who you are.
+%
+I see a bad moon rising.
+I see trouble on the way.
+I see earthquakes and lightnin'
+I see bad times today.
+Don't go 'round tonight,
+It's bound to take your life.
+There's a bad moon on the rise.
+		-- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising"
+%
+I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes.  I hope
+they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
+	-- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neigbors to
+the south.  We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about
+us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.
+	-- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+I sent a letter to the fish,		I said it very loud and clear,
+I told them, "This is what I wish."	I went and shouted in his ear.
+The little fishes of the sea,		But he was very stiff and proud,
+They sent an answer back to me.		He said "You needn't shout so loud."
+The little fishes' answer was		And he was very proud and stiff,
+"We cannot do it, sir, because..."	He said "I'll go and wake them if..."
+I sent a letter back to say		I took a kettle from the shelf,
+It would be better to obey.		I went to wake them up myself.
+But someone came to me and said		But when I found the door was locked
+"The little fishes are in bed."		I pulled and pushed and kicked and
+						knocked,
+I said to him, and I said it plain	And when I found the door was shut,
+"Then you must wake them up again."	I tried to turn the handle, But...
+
+	"Is that all?" asked Alice.
+	"That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
+%
+I sent a message to another time,
+But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,
+I sent a message to another plane,
+Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive.
+...
+I met someone who looks at lot like you,
+She does the things you do, but she is an IBM.
+She's only programmed to be very nice,
+But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near,
+She tells me that she likes me very much,
+But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear.
+...
+I realize that it must seem so strange,
+That time has rearranged, but time has the final word,
+She knows I think of you, she reads my mind,
+She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world.
+		-- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095"
+%
+I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger --
+a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine
+in his veins.
+		-- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee
+%
+I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether
+it is plausible or not.  The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
+he told the truth or not.  When starting and waging war it is not right
+that matters, but victory.
+		-- Adolph Hitler
+%
+I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.
+		-- graffito in Los Angeles
+
+On a clear day,
+U.C.L.A.
+		-- graffito in San Francisco
+
+There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our
+lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
+		-- Robert Orben
+%
+I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck.
+		-- Los Angeles graffito
+%
+I should have been a country-western singer.  After all, I'm older than
+most western countries.
+		-- George Burns
+%
+I smell a wumpus.
+%
+I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker
+Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his
+ability.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+I spilled spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.
+	-- Stephen Wright
+%
+I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
+		-- Stephen Wright
+%
+I steal.
+		-- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board
+
+Easy.  I own Chicago.  I own Miami.  I own Las Vegas.
+		-- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living
+%
+I stick my neck out for nobody.
+		-- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca"
+%
+I stood on the leading edge,
+The eastern seaboard at my feet.
+"Jump!" said Yoko Ono
+I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried.
+Go on and give it a try,
+Why prolong the agony, all men must die.
+		-- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking"
+%
+I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.  Mother took me to
+see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
+		-- Shirley Temple
+%
+I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a
+department store, and he asked for my autograph.
+		-- Shirley Temple
+%
+I suggest a new stategy, Artoo: let the Wookiee win.
+		-- CP30
+%
+I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,
+Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool,
+Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band,
+That needs a helping hand,
+Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face.
+		-- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May"
+%
+I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
+country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
+I happen to have in my top desk drawer.  Some of the Tips for Better Driving
+are worth considering, to wit:
+
+[110.13]:
+       "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
+        to interfere with oncoming traffic."
+
+[22.17b]:
+       "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience.  The best
+        recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball]
+        game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it
+        on the highway."
+
+[41.16]:
+       "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really
+        asking for it."
+%
+I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
+country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
+I happen to have in my top desk drawer.  Some of the Tips for Better Driving
+are worth considering, to wit:
+
+[131.16d]:
+       "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle
+        inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making
+        a U-turn on a divided highway."
+
+[96.7b]:
+       "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
+        quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
+        traveling more than 60 MPH."
+
+[110.13]:
+       "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
+        to interfere with oncoming traffic."
+%
+I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
+country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
+I happen to have in my top desk drawer.  Some of the Tips for Better Driving
+are worth considering, to wit:
+
+[173.15b]:
+	"When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember
+        that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way."
+
+[141.2a]:
+       "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6'
+        parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into
+        a 5' parking space."
+
+[105.31]:
+       "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly.
+        Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong."
+%
+I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad
+thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.
+%
+"I suppose you expect me to talk."
+"No, Mr. Bond.  I expect you to die."
+		-- Goldfinger
+%
+I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it
+is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh.
+		-- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain"
+%
+I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me.  The first time I tried smoking
+pot I didn't know what I was doing.  I smoked half the joint, got the
+munchies, and ate the other half.
+
+Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed.  I kept getting the
+bottle stuck up my nose.
+		-- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me.  Last week I went to the track
+and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
+
+Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my
+fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table.  I said,
+"Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
+		-- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right.   When I put on my shirt
+the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off,
+I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
+		-- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+I tell ya, I was an ugly kid.  I was so ugly that my dad
+kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
+		-- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+I think...  I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.
+		-- Escher
+%
+I think a relationship is like a shark.  It has to constantly move forward
+or it dies.  Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of
+being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being
+sick and tired.  I'm certainly not!  But I'm sick and tired of being told
+that I am!
+		-- Monty Python
+%
+"I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
+"Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manafacturers of dairy products."
+		-- The Life of Brian
+%
+I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
+		-- Shakespeare
+%
+I think I'm schizophrenic.  One half of me's
+paranoid and the other half's out to get him.
+%
+I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.
+		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so
+desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly.
+		-- Saki, "Reginald on Worries"
+%
+I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+I think that I shall never hear
+A poem lovelier than beer.
+The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap,
+With golden base and snowy cap.
+The stuff that I can drink all day
+Until my mem'ry melts away.
+Poems are made by fools, I fear
+But only Schlitz can make a beer.
+%
+I think that I shall never see
+A billboard lovely as a tree.
+Indeed, unless the billboards fall
+I'll never see a tree at all.
+		-- Nash
+%
+I think that I shall never see
+A thing as lovely as a tree.
+But as you see the trees have gone
+They went this morning with the dawn.
+A logging firm from out of town
+Came and chopped the trees all down.
+But I will trick those dirty skunks
+And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.
+%
+I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to
+remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after.
+		-- Chick
+%
+I think the world is run by C students.
+		-- Al McGuire
+%
+I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect."
+I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone
+say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer
+effect."
+		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+I think, therefore I am... I think.
+%
+I think there's a world market for about five computers.
+		-- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943
+%
+I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
+paneling.
+		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
+		-- T.S. Eliot
+%
+I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
+		-- Firesign Theatre
+%
+I think we're in trouble.
+		-- Han Solo
+%
+I think your opinions are reasonable,
+except for the one about my mental instability.
+		-- Psychology Professor, Farifield University
+%
+"I thought that you said you were 20 years old!"
+"As a programmer, yes," she replied,
+"And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!"
+"You said you were blonde, but you lied!"
+Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too,
+They had so much in common, you'd say.
+They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks,
+And prompts that were cute or risque'.
+He sent her a picture of his brother Sam,
+She sent one from some past high school day,
+And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives,
+If they hadn't met in L.A.
+"Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust.
+He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!"
+And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest
+If you were not so totally weird!"
+If she had not said what he wanted to hear,
+And he had not done just the same,
+They'd have been far more honest, and never have met,
+And would not have had fun with the game.
+		-- Judith Schrier, "Face to Face After Six Months of
+		Electronic Mail"
+%
+I thought there was something fishy about the butler.  Probably a Pisces,
+working for scale.
+		-- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
+%
+I thought YOU silenced the guard!
+%
+I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own."
+One of them said, "So will you."
+		-- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle
+of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes.
+It's about Russia.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce
+desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of
+the quest.
+		-- Madeleine Gobeil
+%
+I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything
+constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast
+and drown myself in the noise.
+		-- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer"
+%
+I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.
+		-- J.P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari
+%
+I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.
+		-- Bill Veeck
+%
+I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.
+		-- Judge Harold T. Stone
+%
+I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
+The weatherman said "I don't understand it.  I was supposed to be 80
+degrees today," and I said "Oops."
+
+In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
+I never have to go upstairs.
+
+I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
+front of it in only eight minutes.
+		-- Stephen Wright
+%
+I understand why you're confused.  You're thinking too much.
+		-- Carole Wallach.
+%
+I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.
+		-- Woodrow Wilson
+%
+I use technology in order to hate it more properly.
+		-- Nam June Paik
+%
+I used to be a rebel in my youth.
+This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL!  But I learned.
+Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own
+problems.  So I lost interest in politics.  Now when I feel aroused by
+a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.
+I go to my analyst and we work it out.  You have no idea how much better
+I feel these days.
+		-- J. Feiffer
+%
+I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
+		-- Elvis Costello
+%
+I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
+		-- Mae West
+%
+I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,
+I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,
+I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,
+With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,
+And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,
+	No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
+	No more, Mr. Clean,
+	No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
+They say "He's sick, he's obscene".
+
+My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,
+Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,
+I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,
+The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,
+And punched me in the nose, he said,
+(chorus)
+He said "You're sick, you're obscene".
+		-- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
+%
+I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.
+%
+I used to have a drinking problem.
+Now I love the stuff.
+%
+I used to live in a house by the freeway.  When I went anywhere, I had
+to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
+
+I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights.  Now it looks
+like I'm the only one moving.
+
+I was pulled over for speeding today.  The officer said, "Don't you know
+the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?"  And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
+to be out that long."
+
+I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the ond one out.  Now
+my car goes 500 miles an hour.
+		-- Stephen Wright
+%
+I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because
+I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no
+more mature than I am.
+%
+I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
+%
+I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme
+foolishness.  I no longer thought that.  There's nothing foolish in
+loving anyone.  Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish.
+		-- Rita Mae Brown
+%
+I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in
+my body.  Then I realized who was telling me this.
+		-- Emo Phillips
+%
+I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere near
+the place.
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere
+near the place.
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals.  I
+don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
+with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
+the food cheaper, and old men and womem warmer in the winter, and happier
+in the summer.
+		-- Brendan Behan
+%
+I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals.  I
+don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
+with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
+the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier
+in the summer.
+		-- Brendan Behan
+%
+I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.
+%
+I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
+		-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
+%
+I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St.
+Elsewhere", won't scream, "Forget it, Blanche... It's time for Hee-Haw!"
+%
+I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
+		-- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.
+		-- Freud
+%
+I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?
+%
+I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued
+endangered species.  It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of
+pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of
+bricks and mortar.  But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an
+excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically
+critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud
+the earth.
+		Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"
+%
+I was at this restaurant.  The sign said "Breakfast Anytime."  So I
+ordered French Toast in the Rennaissance.
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+I was born in a barrel of butcher knives
+Trouble I love and peace I despise
+Wild horses kicked me in my side
+Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died.
+		-- Bo Diddley
+%
+I was eatin' some chop suey,
+With a lady in St. Louie,
+When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door.
+And that knocker, he says, "Honey,
+Roll this rocker out some money,
+Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor."
+		-- Mr. Miggle
+%
+I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.
+I said I didn't know.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
+around here often?"  She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
+I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
+She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
+chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
+you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself?  I feel like
+that all the time..."
+		-- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
+%
+I was in a beauty contest one.  I not only came in last, I was hit in
+the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
+		-- Phyllis Diller
+%
+I was in accord with the system so long as it
+permitted me to function effectively.
+		-- Albert Speer
+%
+I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all 
+these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these 
+kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
+I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
+avoiding the beach.
+		-- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach"
+%
+I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a
+lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number.
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold.  A thief is
+anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or
+breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnapping somebody.  He really
+gives some effort to it.  A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum.  He
+works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot.
+Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work
+for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun.  They offered me
+two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed.  I
+was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line.  But
+I wouldn't consider it.  "I'm a thief," I said.  "I'm no lousy hoodlum."
+		-- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One"
+%
+I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards.  I got a
+full house and four people died.
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+I was the best I ever had.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
+		-- Billy Braver
+%
+I was working on a case.  It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a
+desk.  Then I saw her.  This tall blond lady.  She must have been tall
+because I was on the third floor.  She rolled her deep blue eyes towards
+me.  I picked them up and rolled them back.  We kissed.  She screamed.  I
+took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again.
+%
+I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
+		-- Chico Marx
+%
+I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it
+in the room alone.
+%
+I went home with a waitress,
+The way I always do.
+How I was I to know?
+She was with the Russians too.
+
+I was gambling in Havana,
+I took a little risk.
+Send lawyers, guns, and money,
+Dad, get me out of this.
+		-- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"
+%
+I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.
+If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. 
+It's the truth.
+		-- Charlie Chaplin
+%
+I went on to test the program in every way I could devise.  I strained it to
+expose its weaknesses.  I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for
+stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold.  I ran it assuming
+the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted
+to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the
+answer in this particular case.  Finally I got a run in which the computer
+showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero.  I had found
+an error.  I chased down the error and fixed it.  Now I had improved the
+program to the point where it would not run at all.
+		-- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star:
+		Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars"
+%
+I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle.
+I said "Hi, what's happenin'?"
+He said "Nothin'."
+Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm;
+As if you just squashed a cop.
+		-- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song"
+%
+I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
+Great song.
+		-- Fred Reuss
+%
+I went to a place to eat. It said `BREAKFAST ANYTIME.'  So I ordered
+French toast during the Renaissance.
+		-- Stephen Wright
+%
+I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
+So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20
+years ago.  When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors
+would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they
+all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!"
+
+Years later, I went back to the same hotel.  I noticed the room keys had
+been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.
+
+There was a computer in every doorknob.
+	-- Danny Hillis
+%
+I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life.
+I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career
+of a robber.
+		-- Tiburcio Vasquez
+%
+I will always love the false image I had of you.
+%
+I will follow the good side right to the fire,
+but not into it if I can help it.
+		-- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
+%
+I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the
+year.  I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future.  The
+Spirits of all Three shall strive within me.  I will not shut out
+the lessons that they teach.  Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the
+writing on this stone!
+		-- Charles Dickens
+%
+I will make you shorter by the head.
+		-- Elizabeth I
+%
+I will never lie to you.
+%
+I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
+%
+I will not drink!
+But if I do...
+I will not get drunk!
+But if I do...
+I will not in public!
+But if I do...
+I will not fall down!
+But if I do...
+I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.
+%
+I will not forget you.
+%
+I will not play at tug o' war.
+I'd rather play at hug o' war,
+Where everyone hugs
+Instead of tugs,
+Where everyone giggles
+And rolls on the rug,
+Where everyone kisses,
+And everyone grins,
+And everyone cuddles,
+And everyone wins.
+		-- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War"
+%
+I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new
+one every day.
+		-- Heine
+%
+I wish a robot would get elected president.  That way, when he came to town,
+we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
+	-- Jack Handey
+%
+I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
+and Superman away.
+		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the
+intelligence.  They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't
+seem to work.
+		-- Gallagher
+%
+I wish you humans would leave me alone.
+%
+I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.
+%
+I woke up a feelin' mean
+went down to play the slot machine
+the wheels turned round,
+and the letters read
+"Better head back to Tennessee Jed"
+		-- Grateful Dead
+%
+I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
+had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica.  I told my roommate,
+"Isn't this amazing?  Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
+replaced with an exact replica."  He said, "Do I know you?"
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed.  Oh, I 
+know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must 
+be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people 
+I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
+		-- Bastian B. Bux
+%
+I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement?
+	-- Tramp, Lady and the Tramp
+%
+I worked in a health food store once.  A guy came in and asked me,
+"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,
+but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already
+because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even
+after we've been home a long while.
+		-- Casey Stengel
+%
+I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women,
+only they won't let me raise my voice.
+		-- Winkle
+%
+I would have made a good pope.
+		-- Richard Nixon
+%
+I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have
+gotten the hostages released.  I thank God they were satisfied with the
+missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.
+		-- Oliver North
+%
+I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block
+of wax...  and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the
+image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we
+forget or do not know.
+		-- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191
+ 
+	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+	 referring to image activation and termination.]
+%
+I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in
+understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,
+our tasks will be solved.
+		-- Warren G. Harding
+%
+I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection
+with income tax policies.
+		-- William F. Buckley
+%
+I would like to know
+What I was fencing in
+And what I was fencing out.
+		-- Robert Frost
+%
+I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is going
+to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out your mind.
+In general this drug will make you just like your mother and father.
+		-- Frank Zappa
+%
+I would much rather have men ask why
+I have no statue, than why I have one.
+		-- Marcus Procius Cato
+%
+I would not like to be a political leader in Russia.  They never know when
+they're being taped.
+		-- Richard Nixon
+
+I love America.  You always hurt the one you love.
+		-- David Frye impersonating Nixon
+%
+I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house
+and be above ground than reign among the dead.
+		-- Achilles, "The Odessey", XI, 489-91
+%
+I would rather say that a desire to drive fast
+sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals.
+%
+I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!
+%
+I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.
+%
+I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity
+for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
+		-- Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+I wrecked trains because I like to see people die.  I like to hear
+them scream.
+		-- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak",
+		   escaped prison 1937, not heard from since
+%
+Iam
+not
+very
+happy
+acting
+pleased
+whenever
+prominent
+scientists
+overmagnify
+intellectual
+enlightenment
+%
+IBM:
+	[Internation Business Machines Corp.]  Also known as Itty Bitty
+	Machines or The Lawyer's Friend.  The dominant force in computer
+	marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
+	and 10% of all software.  To protect itself from the litigious envy
+	of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM
+	employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General.
+%
+IBM:
+	I've Been Moved
+	Idiots Become Managers
+	Idiots Buy More
+	Impossible to Buy Machine
+	Incredibly Big Machine
+	Industry's Biggest Mistake
+	International Brotherhood of Mercenaries
+	It Boggles the Mind
+	It's Better Manually
+	Itty-Bitty Machines
+%
+IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks,
+who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes...
+		-- with regrets to D. Adams
+%
+IBM had a PL/I,
+Its syntax worse than JOSS;
+And everywhere this language went,
+It was a total loss.
+%
+IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
+%
+IBM Pollyanna Principle:
+	Machines should work.  People should think.
+%
+IBM's original motto:
+	Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.
+%
+I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.
+		-- John Denver
+
+[I saw an eagle fly once.  Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy.  Ed.]
+%
+I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
+%
+I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
+		-- Princess Leia Organa
+%
+I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack,
+above the ground.  That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
+feel it.
+		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.
+%
+I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the
+whole field to private industry.
+		-- Joseph Heller
+%
+I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
+		-- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"
+%
+I'd never cry if I did find
+	A blue whale in my soup...
+Nor would I mind a porcupine
+	Inside a chicken coop.
+Yes life is fine when things combine,	
+	Like ham in beef chow mein...
+But lord, this time I think I mind,
+	They've put acid in my rain.
+		      --- Milo Bloom
+%
+I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.
+Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.
+	-- Brenda Starr
+%
+I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heavan.
+%
+I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
+		-- Fred Allen
+
+[Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson.  Ed.]
+%
+I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
+		-- W.C. Fields
+%
+I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
+%
+I'd rather laugh with the sinners,
+Than cry with the saints,
+The sinners are much more fun!
+		-- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
+%
+I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.
+%
+Identify your visitor.
+%
+idiot box, n:
+	The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place
+	the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+idiot box, n:
+	The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
+	stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+idiot, n:
+	A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence
+	in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
+%
+IDLENESS:
+	Leisure gone to seed.
+%
+Idleness is the holiday of fools.
+%
+If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
+		-- Roy Santoro
+%
+If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast
+is a camel's behind. 
+		-- Edgar R. Fiedler
+%
+If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
+%
+If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair.  If this doesn't
+work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
+%
+If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.
+		-- William Blake
+%
+If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler,
+there will be N-1 passes.  Someone in the group has to be the manager.
+		-- T. Cheatham
+%
+If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he
+really a guru at all?
+		-- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"
+%
+If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it
+is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.
+		-- Joseph C. Goulden
+%
+IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
+is, "God is crying."  And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing
+to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
+		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+If a listener nods his head when you're
+explaining your program, wake him up.
+%
+If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.
+		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.
+		-- Thomas Wolfe
+%
+If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart.
+If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain.
+%
+If a man loses his reverence for any part of life,
+he will lose his reverence for all of life.
+		-- Albert Schweitzer
+%
+If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the
+separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience,
+it might well prolong his life.
+		-- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877
+%
+If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,
+... it expects what never was and never will be.
+		-- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;
+and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it
+will lose that, too.
+		-- W. Somerset Maugham
+%
+If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
+and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
+convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
+		-- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble"
+%
+If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.
+The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position
+in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop.  The law of
+gravity supercedes the law of golf.
+		-- Donald A. Metz
+%
+If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce
+love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?
+		-- Saint Augustine
+%
+If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response
+is simply that "God is crying."  And, if he asks you why God is crying, the
+only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did."
+%
+If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question,
+look at him as if he had lost his senses.
+When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.
+%
+If a system is administered wisely,
+its users will be content.
+They enjoy hacking their code
+and don't waste time implementing
+labor-saving shell scripts.
+Since they dearly love their accounts,
+they aren't interested in other machines.
+There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,
+but these don't access any hosts.
+There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,
+but nobody ever uses them.
+People enjoy reading their mail,
+take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,
+spend weekends working at their terminals,
+delight in the doings at the site.
+And even though the next system is so close
+that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,
+they are content to die of old age
+without ever having gone to see it.
+%
+If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude.
+If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the
+game right.  If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of
+course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make
+goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?
+		-- Sparky Anderson
+%
+If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
+		-- G.K. Chesterton
+%
+If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.
+		-- W.C. Fields
+%
+If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?
+%
+If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
+to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
+that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
+		-- Rob Stampfli
+%
+If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
+to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
+that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
+	-- Rob Stampfli
+%
+If all be true that I do think,
+There be five reasons why one should drink;
+Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
+Or lest we should be by-and-by,
+Or any other reason why.
+%
+If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
+		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
+%
+If all else fails, lower your standards.
+%
+If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
+%
+If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end -- I
+wouldn't be a bit surprised.
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+If all the seas were ink,
+And all the reeds were pens,
+And all the skies were parchment,
+And all the men could write,
+These would not suffice
+To write down all the red tape
+Of this Government. 
+%
+If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
+		-- Paul Beatty
+%
+If all the world's economists were laid end to end,
+we wouldn't reach a conclusion.
+		-- William Baumol
+%
+If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner,
+and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops,
+not just because you fear she might be crazy.  If she tells her tale on
+camera, you might listen.  Watching strangers on television , even
+responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs
+collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community.  Never
+have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little.
+		-- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television
+		   in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional".
+%
+If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
+%
+If an S and an I and an O and a U
+With an X at the end spell Su;
+And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
+Pray what is a speller to do?
+Then, if also an S and an I and a G
+And an HED spell side,
+There's nothing much left for a speller to do
+But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
+		-- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
+%
+If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last
+car he ever lays down in front of.
+		-- George Wallace
+%
+If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified,
+let him become president of Harvard.
+		-- Edward Holyoke
+%
+If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible.
+We're offering a substantial reward.  He's a sable collie, with three legs,
+blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his
+tail.  He's been recently fixed.  Answers to "Lucky".
+%
+If anything can go wrong, it will.
+%
+If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
+		-- W.E. Hickson
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, try try again.  Then quit.
+No use being a damn fool about it.
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
+Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
+		-- W.C. Fields
+
+[Also attributed to Roy Mengot.  Ed.]
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
+		-- Leonard Levinson
+%
+If at first you fricasee, fry, fry again.
+%
+If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
+identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
+collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then
+I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
+plentiful as blackberries.
+		-- Leslie Stephen
+%
+If bankers can count, how come they have
+eight windows and only four tellers?
+%
+If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by
+some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.
+		-- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837
+%
+If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
+then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
+%
+If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing
+but illegal purposes.
+		-- J. Edgar Hoover
+%
+If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
+%
+If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.
+		-- William Blake
+%
+If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James
+Watt's office.
+		-- Wayne Shannon
+%
+If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line.
+%
+If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will
+serve us right.
+		-- Alistair Cooke
+%
+If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
+%
+If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't
+deserve to have any.
+		-- Oscar Wilde, reportedly while standing handcuffed in a
+		driving rain, waiting for transport to prison upon his
+		conviction for sodomy.
+%
+If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other,
+there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses
+is a fraud.
+		-- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged"
+%
+If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can
+do it through the body of someone you love.  Anytime.  Anywhere.  Without
+no middleman.
+		-- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody"
+%
+If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed
+him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation.
+		-- G.C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth"
+%
+If everything on the road of life seems to
+be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
+%
+If everything seems to be going well,
+you have obviously overlooked something.
+%
+If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
+		-- Bertrand Russell
+%
+If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
+%
+If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there
+is an exception to every rule.  If we accept "For every rule there is an
+exception" as a rule, then we must conced that there may not be an exception
+after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of
+exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there
+can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
+		-- Bill Boquist
+%
+If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
+		-- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI"
+%
+If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.
+%
+If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
+%
+If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
+%
+If God had intended man to use the metric system, Jesus
+would have only had ten disciples.
+%
+If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
+%
+If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
+%
+If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
+%
+If God had meant for us to be in the Army,
+we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
+%
+If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
+%
+If God had not given us sticky tape,
+it would have been necessary to invent it.
+%
+If God had really intended men to fly,
+he'd make it easier to get to the airport.
+		-- George Winters
+%
+If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
+have made them cute and furry. 
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had
+only ten apostles.
+%
+If God had wanted you to go around nude,
+He would have given you bigger hands.
+%
+If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid,
+He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.
+%
+If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
+%
+If God is One, what is bad?
+		-- Charles Manson
+%
+If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
+%
+If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
+		-- Yiddish saying
+%
+If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
+		-- Marvin Kitman
+%
+If God wanted us to have a President,
+He would have sent us a candidate.
+		-- Jerry Dreshfield
+%
+If graphics hackers are so smart,
+why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?
+%
+If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
+%
+If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
+		-- Chinese proverb
+%
+If he had only learnt a little less, how
+infinitely better he might have taught much more!
+%
+If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days
+and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to
+think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.
+		-- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia"
+%
+If he should ever change his faith,
+it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God.
+%
+If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
+		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
+%
+If I could read your mind, love,
+What a tale your thoughts could tell,
+Just like a paperback novel,
+The kind the drugstore sells,
+When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
+The hero would be me,
+Heroes often fail,
+You won't read that book again, because
+	the ending is just too hard to take.
+
+I walk away, like a movie star,
+Who gets burned in a three way script,
+Enter number two,
+A movie queen to play the scene
+Of bringing all the good things out in me,
+But for now, love, let's be real
+I never thought I could act this way,
+And I've got to say that I just don't get it,
+I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone
+And I just can't get it back...
+		-- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind"
+%
+If I could stick my pen in my heart,
+I would spill it all over the stage.
+Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya,
+Would you think the boy was strange?
+Ain't he strange?
+...
+If I could stick a knife in my heart,
+Suicide right on the stage,
+Would it be enough for your teenage lust,
+Would it help to ease the pain?
+Ease your brain?
+		-- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll"
+%
+If I don't drive around the park,
+I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
+If I'm in bed each night by ten,
+I may get back my looks again.
+If I abstain from fun and such,
+I'll probably amount to much;
+But I shall stay the way I am,
+Because I do not give a damn.
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around.
+Trouble creates a capacity to handle it.  I don't say embrace trouble; that's
+as bad as treating it as an enemy.  But I do say meet it as a friend, for
+you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it.
+		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
+%
+If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.
+%
+IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it.  There's
+got to be a better way.
+		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell,
+I'd sell the plantation and go home.
+		-- Eugene P. Gallagher
+%
+If I had any humility I would be perfect.
+		-- Ted Turner
+%
+If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from
+a laboratory jar at Harvard.
+		-- Frank Sinatra
+
+AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
+		-- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine
+%
+If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time.  I
+would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this
+trip.  I know of very few things I would take seriously.  I would be crazier.
+I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets.  I'd
+travel and see.  I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.
+You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly
+and sanely, hour after hour, day after day.  Oh, I have had my moments and,
+if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them.  In fact, I'd try to
+have nothing else.  Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many
+years ahead each day.  I have been one of those people who never go anywhere
+without a thermometer, a hotwater bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute.
+If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel
+lighter than I have.  If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed
+earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall.  I would play hooky
+more.  I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more.  I would
+ride on more merry-go-rounds.  I'd pick more daisies.
+%
+If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
+		-- Albert Einstein
+%
+If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
+		-- Tallulah Bankhead
+%
+If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
+%
+If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
+shoulders of giants.
+		-- Isaac Newton
+
+In the sciences, we are now uniquely priviledged to sit side by side with
+the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
+		-- Gerald Holton
+
+If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on
+my shoulders.
+		-- Hal Abelson
+
+Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
+		-- Gauss
+
+Mathemeticians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
+stand on each other's toes.
+		-- Richard Hamming
+
+It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders.  If
+this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and
+software engineers dig each other's graves.
+		-- Unknown
+%
+If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
+		-- Bob Hope
+%
+If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks,
+I would send a barrel or so to my other generals.
+		-- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant
+%
+If I love you, what business is it of yours?
+		-- Goethe
+%
+If I love you, what business is it of yours?
+		-- Johann van Goethe
+%
+If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow.  I
+just couldn't help myself.
+		-- Adolf Hitler
+%
+If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
+		-- Alan Parsons Project
+%
+If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think
+I'm an engineer working on something.
+		-- S.R. McElroy
+%
+If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
+%
+If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
+As Dame Fortune did intend,
+Murphy would be there to tell me
+The pot's at the other end.
+		-- Bert Whitney
+%
+If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
+%
+If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could
+work for with a great deal of enjoyment.
+		-- Douglas Jerrold
+%
+If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it
+because I can't swim.
+		-- Bob Stanfield
+%
+If I'd known computer science was going to be like this,
+I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star.
+		-- G. Hirst
+%
+If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?
+		-- Jerry Muscha
+%
+If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the
+answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
+%
+If in doubt, mumble.
+%
+If it ain't baroque, don't fix it.
+%
+If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
+%
+If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.
+		-- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls
+%
+If it happens once, it's a bug.
+If it happens twice, it's a feature.
+If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
+%
+If it has syntax, it isn't user friendly.
+%
+If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly.
+%
+If it heals good, say it.
+%
+If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will
+answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary.
+		-- Samuel Clemens
+%
+If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
+%
+If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work
+it's physics.
+%
+If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with.  No more appeasement.
+		-- Ronald Reagan
+%
+If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
+%
+If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
+%
+If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
+%
+If it were not for the presents, an elopment would be preferable.
+		-- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
+%
+If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost,
+I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down
+the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes.  A more sententious, holding-
+forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp
+of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw.
+		-- James Dickey
+%
+If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
+%
+If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
+If it stinks, it's chemistry.
+If it doesn't work, it's physics.
+%
+If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
+%
+If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
+%
+If it's worth doing, do it for money.
+%
+If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
+%
+If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.
+%
+If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
+They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make
+fun of it.
+		-- Thomas Carlyle
+%
+If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to
+send it.  But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the
+other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail.  And if *fifty* pieces
+of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why
+they'll think something *else* is broken!  And if 1Gb of mail gets lost,
+they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep
+them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ...
+		-- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie
+%
+If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital,
+had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.
+		-- Karl Marx's Mother
+%
+If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
+%
+If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
+%
+If life is merely a joke, the question
+still remains: for whose amusement?
+%
+If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?
+%
+If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
+you've got in the house.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
+		-- Lily Tomlin
+%
+If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low
+		-- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
+%
+If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG.
+		-- Phil Lapsley
+%
+If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.
+%
+If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.
+		-- Mary Wilson Little
+%
+If mathematically you end up with the wrong
+answer, try multipying by the page number.
+%
+If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would
+be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
+		-- Frances Rodman
+%
+If men are not afraid to die,
+it is of no avail to threaten them with death.
+
+If men live in constant fear of dying,
+And if breaking the law means a man will be killed,
+Who will dare to break the law?
+
+There is always an official executioner.
+If you try to take his place,
+It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood.
+If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter,
+	you will only hurt your hand.
+		-- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74"
+%
+If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
+be a merrier world.
+		-- J.R.R. Tolkien
+%
+If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little
+of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking,
+and from that to incivility and procrastination.
+		-- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
+%
+If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
+little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and 
+Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.
+		-- Thomas De Quincey
+%
+If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and
+over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection
+of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching
+in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not
+far to seek. ...  The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the
+various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor,
+it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any
+connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would
+get an unfair advantage.
+		-- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
+%
+If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
+		-- Oscar Wilde, "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use
+		of the Young"
+%
+If only Dionysus were alive!  Where would he eat?
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+If only God would give me some clear sign!
+Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
+		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+If only one could get that wonderful feeling of
+accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
+%
+If only you could be respected without having to be respectable.
+%
+If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.
+%
+If only you knew she loved you, you could
+face the uncertainty of whether you love her.
+%
+If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
+%
+If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
+		-- G.B. Shaw
+%
+If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
+then we are a sorry lot indeed.
+		-- Albert Einstein
+%
+If people concentrated on the really important things in life,
+there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
+		-- Doug Larson
+%
+If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.
+		-- Edward E. Hippensteel
+
+[What brand of ink?  Ed.]
+%
+If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they
+will take sandwiches.
+		-- Lord Boyd-orr
+
+Eats first, morals after.
+		-- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
+%
+If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated,
+I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
+		-- Hermann Goering
+%
+If people see that you mean them no harm,
+they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten!
+%
+If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
+%
+If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
+		-- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"
+%
+If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
+%
+If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
+%
+If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
+%
+If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
+		-- Tom Wicker
+%
+If researchers wrote nursery rhymes...
+
+Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region,
+Eating components of soured milk.
+On at least one occasion,
+	along came an arachnid and sat down beside her,
+Or at least in her vicinity,
+And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear,
+Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly.
+		-- Ann Melugin Williams
+%
+If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with
+pool cues, who would win?
+	1) Ricky Schroder
+	2) Gary Coleman
+	3) The television viewing public
+		-- David Letterman
+%
+If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
+arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical
+world.  One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by
+the use of the mathematics of probability.
+		-- Vannevar Bush
+%
+If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many
+books on how to?
+	-- Bette Midler
+%
+If she had not been cupric in her ions,
+Her shape ovoidal,
+Their romance might have flourished.
+But he built tetrahedral in his shape,
+His ions ferric,
+Love could not help but die,
+Uncatylised, inert, and undernourished.
+%
+If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.
+		-- Robert Frost
+%
+If some people didn't tell you,
+you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
+%
+If someone had told me I would be Pope
+one day, I would have studied harder.
+		-- Pope John Paul I
+%
+If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
+%
+If something has not yet gone wrong then it would
+ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong.
+%
+If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the
+way they do?
+%
+If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
+and never be our destiny.
+		-- Rene de Visme Williamson
+%
+If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
+Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per per gallon,
+and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
+		-- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld
+%
+If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,
+this would be a better world.
+		-- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
+%
+If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
+		-- Norm Schryer
+%
+If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get
+the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude.  See in
+college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural
+method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall
+learn what you have no taste or capacity for.  The college, which should
+be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the
+young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits.
+I would have the studies elective.  Scholarship is to be created not
+by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge.  The wise
+instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the
+attractions the study has for himself.  The marking is a system for schools,
+not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to
+put on a professor.
+		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
+steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
+prinicples -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo.  Useful
+feature, that.
+		-- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990.
+%
+If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?
+	-- Robert Moses
+%
+If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical
+would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
+		-- Doug Larson
+
+[Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]
+%
+If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
+		-- Albert Einstein
+%
+If the future isn't what it used to be, does that
+mean that the past is subject to change in times to come?
+%
+If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.
+Twice, it's much too much.  Three times, it's the story of your life.
+%
+If the government doesn't trust the people, why
+doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people?
+%
+If the grass is greener on other side of fence,
+consider what may be fertilizing it.
+%
+If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it,
+we would be so simple we couldn't.
+%
+If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation,
+I would have recommended something simpler.
+		-- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile,
+		   Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy.
+%
+If the master dies and the disciple grieves,
+the lives of both have been wasted.
+%
+If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched,
+then this sentence would not be false.
+%
+If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
+goose-stepping.  Americans are just as suggestible.
+		-- Frank Zappa
+%
+If the odds are a million to one against something
+occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
+%
+If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
+		-- Anatole France
+%
+If the rich could pay the poor to die for them,
+what a living the poor could make!
+%
+If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
+%
+If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.
+%
+If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.
+Let's hear it for OSI and X!  With those babies in the wings, we can count
+on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening,
+paper folding, or something.
+		-- C. Philip Wood
+%
+If the very old will remember, the very young will listen.
+		-- Chief Dan George
+%
+If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.
+If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.
+If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however,
+church attendance will exceed all expectations.
+		-- Reverend Chichester
+%
+If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
+%
+If there is a possibility of several things going wrong,
+the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
+
+If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
+can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.
+%
+If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing
+of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur
+of this life.
+		-- Albert Camus
+%
+If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
+		-- Edward A. Murphy Jr.
+%
+If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you
+can't afford divorce.
+		-- Jack Nicholson
+%
+If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
+		-- Art Hoppe
+%
+If there is no wind, row.
+		-- Polish proverb
+%
+If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would
+have let me in on it by now.  I contribute enough to the shule.
+		-- Saul Goodman
+%
+If there was in justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.
+%
+If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three
+years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law
+school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.
+		-- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method
+%
+If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
+%
+If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical,
+go crude.  I'm a very technical boy.  So I get as crude as possible.  These
+days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire
+to crudeness...
+		-- Johnny Mnemonic
+%
+If they were so inclined, they could impeach
+him because they don't like his necktie.
+		-- Attorney General William Saxbe
+%
+If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.
+%
+If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
+%
+If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
+It's not time yet.
+%
+If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
+%
+If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
+		-- Lily Tomlin
+%
+If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
+doing the thinking.
+		-- Lyndon B. Johnson
+
+Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
+helmet off.
+		-- Lyndon B. Johnson
+
+I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign
+itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon.
+		-- Lyndon B. Johnson
+%
+If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
+		-- Ernest Hemingway
+%
+If two wrongs don't make a right, try three wrongs.
+%
+If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
+If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
+%
+If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.
+%
+If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.
+		-- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"
+%
+If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would
+all be millionaires.
+		-- Abigail Van Buren
+%
+If we do not change our direction we are
+likely to end up where we are headed.
+%
+If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.
+		-- John Sinclair
+%
+If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time
+of it.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+"If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our
+findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive."
+		-- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on
+		   criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex
+		   crimes.
+%
+If we see the light at the end of the tunnel
+It's the light of an oncoming train.
+		-- Robert Lowell
+%
+If we spoke a different language, we
+would perceive a somewhat different world.
+		-- Wittgenstein
+%
+If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty,
+we encourage it, and involve others in our doom.
+		-- Samuel Adams
+%
+If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us
+with alarm clocks.
+%
+If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.
+%
+If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to
+do something else.
+	-- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
+%
+If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
+in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
+qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
+		-- Marguerite Emmons
+%
+If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.
+%
+If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the
+beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its
+lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days
+women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?
+		-- Gloria Steinham
+%
+If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
+		-- Aristotle Onassis
+%
+If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
+Quit work and play for once!
+%
+If you analyse anything, you destroy it.
+		-- Arthur Miller
+%
+If you are a police dog, where's your badge?
+		-- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd
+		   crazy.
+%
+If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
+		-- Anton Chekov
+%
+If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
+		-- Chekhov
+%
+If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
+%
+If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.  If you are real
+good, you will get out of it.
+%
+If you are honest because honesty is the best policy,
+your honesty is corrupt.
+%
+If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no
+longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.
+		-- Abigail Van Buren
+%
+If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?
+If you are for yourself, then what are you?
+If not now, when?
+%
+If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient
+evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than
+words.
+		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
+%
+If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is
+sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions
+speak louder than words.
+	-- Fran Lebowitz
+%
+If you are over 80 years old and accompanied
+by your parents, we will cash your check.
+%
+If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business;
+over 80 you are neglecting your golf.
+		-- Walter Hagen
+%
+If you are smart enough to know that you're not
+smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business.
+%
+If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
+%
+If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
+%
+If you aren't rich you should always look useful.
+		-- Louis-Ferdinand Celine
+%
+If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
+		-- J. Paul Getty
+%
+If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
+theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation.
+%
+If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
+%
+If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
+%
+If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
+		-- Harry S. Truman
+%
+If you cannot in the long run tell everyone
+what you have been doing, your doing was worthless.
+		-- Edwim Schrodinger
+%
+If you can't be good, be careful.
+If you can't be careful, give me a call.
+%
+If you can't convince them, confuse them.
+		-- Harry S. Truman
+%
+If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
+%
+If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
+%
+If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
+%
+If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
+		-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
+%
+If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
+%
+If you catch a man, throw him back.
+		-- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975
+%
+If you continually give you will continually have.
+%
+If you could only get that wonderful feeling of
+accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
+%
+If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
+%
+If you didn't have most of your friends,
+you wouldn't have most of your problems.
+%
+If you didn't have to work so hard,
+you'd have more time to be depressed.
+%
+If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.
+		-- John Galsworthy
+%
+If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about
+it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.
+		-- Carlyle
+%
+If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
+%
+If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
+%
+If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists
+in the Bible.
+		-- Mordecai Richler
+%
+If you don't do it, you'll never know what
+would have happened if you had done it.
+%
+If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?
+%
+If you don't drink it, someone else will.
+%
+If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
+		-- Clarence Day
+%
+If you don't have the time right now,
+will you have redo right time later?
+%
+If you don't have time to do it right, where
+are you going to find the time to do it over?
+%
+If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.
+%
+If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
+%
+If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
+		-- Calvin Coolidge
+%
+If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.
+		-- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking
+%
+If you drink, don't park.  Accidents make people.
+%
+If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program
+an imbedded system.  The salient characteristic of an imbedded system is that
+it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention
+will suffice to remove it.  An imbedded system can't permanently trust anything
+it hears from the outside world.  It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff
+around, and adapt again.  I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming
+carefulness here.  No.  Programming an imbedded system calls for undiluted
+raging maniacal paranoia.  For example, our ethernet front ends need to know
+what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs
+properly.  How do you find out what your network number is?  Easy, you ask a
+gateway.  Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network
+numbers.  Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before
+you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all
+over creation.  Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he
+was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong
+network number?  Never supposed to happen.  Tough.  Supposing that your
+software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
+number than before, what's it supposed to do about it?  This is not discussed
+in the protocol document.  Never supposed to happen.  Tough.  I think you 
+get my drift.
+%
+If you explain something so clearly that no
+one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
+%
+If you fail to plan, plan to fail.
+%
+If you find a solution and become attached to it,
+the solution may become your next problem.
+%
+If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.
+%
+If you float on instinct alone, how can you
+calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?
+		-- Christopher Hodder-Williams
+%
+If you fool around with something long
+enough, it will eventually break.
+%
+If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.
+%
+If you give Congress a chance to vote on
+both sides of an issue, it will always do it.
+		-- Les Aspin, D, Wisconsin
+%
+If you go on with this nuclear arms race,
+all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.
+		-- Winston Churchill
+%
+If you go out of your mind, do it quietly,
+so as not to disturb those around you.
+%
+If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
+all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
+swimming.
+	-- Jack Handey
+%
+If you had better tools, you could more
+effectively demonstrate your total incompetence.
+%
+If you had just one moment to live
+And they granted you one special wish
+Would you ask for something
+Like another chance.
+		-- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys"
+%
+If you hands are clean and your cause is just
+and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start.
+%
+If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
+%
+If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
+		-- Bette Davis
+%
+If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
+%
+If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a
+new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation,
+does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions.  You must
+make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats.
+The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if
+you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer
+will be courteous as well as responsive.  Since you are out of sympathy with
+cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the
+dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital.  But bear in mind that your opinion
+of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker.  Try to keep things
+straight.
+		-- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"
+%
+If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.
+		-- Spiro Agnew
+%
+If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
+%
+If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
+		-- Louis Armstrong
+%
+If you have to hate, hate gently.
+%
+If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.
+%
+If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career
+in chartered accountancy beckons.
+		-- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic
+		   Systems course.
+%
+If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a
+hype.  If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.
+		-- Neil Bogart
+%
+If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot
+yourself in the posterior.
+		-- A.J. Liebling, "The Press"
+%
+If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to
+boot yourself in the posterior.
+		-- A.J. Liebling
+%
+If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it.
+%
+If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of
+rubbish into it.
+		-- William Orton
+%
+If you knew what to say next, would you say it?
+%
+If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.
+		-- Petersen Nesbit
+%
+If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end...
+you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast.
+		-- David Letterman
+%
+If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
+365 useless things.
+%
+If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven.
+%
+If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
+		-- Graham Summer
+%
+If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.
+		-- Simone De Beauvoir
+%
+If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made
+because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
+		-- George Burns
+%
+If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets
+and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
+		-- Garrison Keillor
+%
+If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
+		-- Robert Pante, fashion consultant
+%
+If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor.
+If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor.
+%
+If you lose a son you can always get another,
+but there's only one Maltese Falcon.
+		-- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
+%
+If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich, 
+or famous or both.
+%
+If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist,
+he'll get rich or famous or both.
+%
+If you love someone, set them free.
+If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.
+%
+If you love something set it free.  If it doesn't
+come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
+%
+If you make a mistake you right it
+immediately to the best of your ability.
+%
+If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year
+with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
+	-- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
+but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
+%
+If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll
+be married to a man who cheats on his wife.
+		-- Ann Landers
+%
+If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
+in the whole wide world, don't trust him.  It means he experiments.
+%
+If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
+		-- Schmidt
+%
+If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty.
+Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.
+%
+If you need anything just whistle.
+You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?
+Just put your lips together and blow.
+		-- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not"
+%
+If you notice that a person is deceiving you,
+they must not be deceiving you very well.
+%
+If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not
+bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
+you won't get any ice.  If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
+ice, but no cup.
+%
+If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
+%
+If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery.
+But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine,
+is somehow enobled and no-one dare criticise it.
+		-- Pierre Gallois
+%
+If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a
+restaurant.
+		-- Snoopy
+%
+If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it.
+Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves.  The wicked, who have
+something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because
+they know how it's done, and for booty.  You can offer them things because
+they will take them.  Because they have no hesitations.  You can hang them
+if they get out of step.  Let me have men about me that are utter villains
+-- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death.
+		-- Hermann Goering
+%
+If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
+%
+If you remember the 60's, you weren't there.
+%
+If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire
+deeper insights into what you believe?  The things most worth reading
+are precisely those that challenge our convictions.
+%
+If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
+%
+If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.
+But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.
+		-- Swami Prabhupada
+%
+If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
+%
+If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from
+many it's research.
+		-- Wilson Mizner
+%
+If you stew apples like cranberries,
+they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
+It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. 
+Or some joker who is slicker,
+Will trick you of your liquor,
+If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
+%
+If you stick your head in the sand,
+one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked.
+%
+If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
+%
+If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have
+schizophrenia.
+		-- Thomas Szasz
+%
+If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble
+then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real
+harm.
+%
+If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
+%
+If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
+		-- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
+%
+If you think last Tuesday was a drag,
+wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
+%
+If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
+try missing a couple of car payments.
+		-- Earl Wilson
+%
+If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time
+someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with
+your Bic.
+%
+If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
+		-- Arthur Kasspe
+%
+If you think the system is working,
+ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.
+%
+If you think the United States has stood still,
+who built the largest shopping center in the world?
+		-- Richard Nixon
+%
+If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you
+lack sufficient imagination.
+%
+If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be
+to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to
+say they had a nice time.  Now you'll be be expected to throw another party
+next year.
+	What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake
+	up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if
+they've been indicted for anything.  You want your guests to be so anxious
+to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
+parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having
+another one ...
+	If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door,
+unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
+through your living room window.  As host, your job is to make sure that
+they don't arrest anybody.  Or if they're dead set on arresting someone,
+your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined
+them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!
+		-- Mr. Interesting
+%
+If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
+end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
+%
+If you took all the women at the Harvard Prom
+and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time.
+		-- F.D. Roosevelt
+%
+If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
+%
+If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having
+done its damage.  If it was bad, it will be back.
+%
+If you want me to be a good little bunny
+just dangle some carats in front of my nose.
+		-- Lauren Bacall
+%
+If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman.
+		-- Michelet
+%
+If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
+read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.
+		-- Don Marquis
+%
+If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
+%
+If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
+%
+If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate
+books.
+		-- Alan King
+%
+If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
+		-- Harry Blackstone
+%
+If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
+Constitution.  It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft.
+Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory
+containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with
+the word "National".
+		-- George Will
+%
+If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
+you say, talk in your sleep.
+%
+If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
+memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
+it, even if they don't know what it means.
+		-- Walt Kelly
+%
+If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.
+%
+If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that
+fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and
+heartbeats.
+%
+If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.
+If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.
+If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.
+If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.
+		-- Chinese Proverb
+%
+If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
+%
+If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur
+boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.
+		-- Anton Chekov
+%
+If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him.
+If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak
+	well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents.
+If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
+If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
+	position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content...
+	but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
+If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the 
+	institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
+	be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason
+	why.
+%
+If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
+%
+If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.
+		-- Ben Franklin
+%
+If you would understand your own age, read the works
+of fiction produced in it.  People in disguise speak freely.
+%
+If you'd like to cultivate insomnia,
+Bed down with a pretty girl.
+Amor vincit omnia.
+%
+If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss.
+%
+If your bread is stale, make toast.
+%
+If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out.
+If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head.
+		-- Niccoli Machiavelli, "The Prince"
+%
+If your happiness depends on what somebody else does,
+I guess you do have a problem.
+		-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
+%
+If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
+%
+If your mother knew what you're doing,
+she'd probably hang her head and cry.
+%
+If your parents don't have kids, neither will you.
+%
+If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no
+longer be fantasies.
+		-- Fran Lebowitz
+%
+If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a
+piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw.
+		-- W.C. Fields
+%
+If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
+embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
+	-- Jack Handey
+%
+If you're careful enough, nothing
+bad or good will ever happen to you.
+%
+If you're carrying a torch, put it down.
+The Olympics are over.
+%
+If you're constantly being mistreated,
+you're cooperating with the treatment.
+%
+If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four
+strong oxen than 100 chickens.  Chickens are OK but we can't make them work
+together yet.
+		-- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89.
+%
+If you're going to America, bring your own food.
+		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
+%
+If you're going to do something tonight
+that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
+		-- Henny Youngman
+%
+If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
+%
+If you're happy, you're successful.
+%
+If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
+%
+If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
+		-- Benjamin Disraeli
+%
+If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,
+As well as by traffic and crime,
+Consider how worry-free gophers are,
+Though living on burrowed time.
+	-- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83
+%
+If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it
+off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe.
+%
+If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
+		-- Ronald Reagan
+%
+ignisecond, n:
+	The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
+	door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+IGNORANCE:
+	When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out.
+%
+Ignorance is bliss.
+		-- Thomas Gray
+
+Fortune updates the great quotes, #42:
+	BLISS is ignorance.
+%
+Ignorance is never out of style.  It was in fashion yesterday, it is the
+rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
+		-- Franklin K. Dane
+%
+Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
+%
+Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people
+so resolutely pursuing it. 
+%
+Ignore previous fortune.
+%
+Il brilgue: les toves libricilleux
+	Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
+Enmimes sont les gougebosquex,
+	Et le momerade horgrave.
+
+Es brilig war.  Die schlichte Toven
+	Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
+Und aller-mumsige Burggoven
+	Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben.
+%
+I'll be comfortable on the couch.  Famous last words.
+		-- Lenny Bruce
+%
+I'll be Grateful when they're Dead.
+%
+I'll burn my books.
+		-- Christopher Marlowe
+%
+I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's
+in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.
+		-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up"
+%
+I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
+Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
+And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
+And in our bound partition never part.
+
+Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
+Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
+A root or two, a torus and a node:
+The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
+
+I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
+I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
+Bernoulli would have been content to die
+Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(thi)!
+%
+I'll learn to play the Saxophone,
+I play just what I feel.
+Drink Scotch whisky all night long,
+And die behind the wheel.
+They got a name for the winners in the world,
+I want a name when I lose.
+They call Alabama the Crimson Tide,
+Call me Deacon Blues.
+		-- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues"
+%
+I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon...
+		-- Pink Floyd
+%
+I'll never get off this planet.
+		-- Luke Skywalker
+%
+I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.
+%
+I'll turn over a new leaf.
+		-- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States.  Ask
+any Indian.
+		-- Robert Orben
+
+Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
+		-- Jack Paar
+%
+Illegitimi non carborundum
+(translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.)
+%
+Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot:
+it's more like the land He's trying to ignore.
+%
+Illiterate?  Write today, for free help!
+%
+Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
+		-- Voltaire
+%
+I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe
+that I could have evolved from man.
+%
+"I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."
+		-- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of
+		   the idea of a doomsday machine.
+"I'm a doctor, not an escalator."
+		-- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant
+		   Ellen up a steep incline.
+"I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer."
+		-- Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta.
+"I'm a doctor, not an engineer."
+		-- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in
+		   Engineering aboard the ISS Enterprise.
+"I'm a doctor, not a coalminer."
+		-- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2.
+"I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist."
+		-- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark
+		   that Kirk talked strangely.
+"I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor."
+		-- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the
+		   aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4.
+"What am I, a doctor or a moonshuttle conductor?"
+		-- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a
+		   physical exam to answer the alert.
+%
+I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on
+a sports jacket and take off my brain.
+%
+I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees.  And I want to
+ thank everyone for making this night necessary.
+		-- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor
+%
+I'm all for computer dating, but I
+wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
+%
+I'm always looking for a new idea that
+will be more productive than its cost.
+		-- David Rockefeller
+%
+I'm an artist.
+But it's not what I really want to do.
+What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman.
+I know what you're going to say --
+"Dreamer!  Get your head out of the clouds."
+All right!  But it's what I want to do.
+Instead I have to go on painting all day long.
+
+The world should make a place for shoe salesmen.
+		-- J. Feiffer
+%
+I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe
+that I could have been created by man.
+%
+"I'm ANN LANDERS!!  I can SHOPLIFT!!"
+		-- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+I'm dying beyond my means.
+		-- Oscar Wilde, his last words, while sipping champagne
+%
+"I'm dying," he croaked.
+"My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted .
+"You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
+"That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
+"The fire is going out," he bellowed.
+"Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
+"You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
+"You snake," she rattled.
+"Someone's at the door," she chimed.
+"Company's coming," she guessed.
+"Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
+"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
+"I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
+"Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
+"Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
+		-- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex"
+%
+I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
+		-- George McGovern
+%
+I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.
+		-- Gore Vidal
+%
+I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say "I've
+just had a good war.
+		-- Mae West
+%
+I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality.
+%
+I'm glad I was not born before tea.
+		-- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)
+%
+I'm glad that I'm an American,
+I'm glad that I am free,
+But I wish I were a little doggy,
+And McGovern were a tree.
+%
+I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today.  Happens
+every six months or so.  So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share
+it with you.  
+
+> In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and
+  the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue. 
+> And in LA it's 72.
+
+> In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity
+  is a million percent.
+> And in LA it's 72.
+
+> In New York there are a million interesting people.  
+> And in LA there are 72.
+%
+I'm going to Boston to see my doctor.  He's a very sick man.
+		-- Fred Allen
+%
+I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.
+		-- John Foreman
+%
+I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House.  President Johnson
+says a war isn't really a war without my jokes.
+		-- Bob Hope
+%
+I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.
+%
+I'm in Pittsburgh.  Why am I here?
+		-- Harold Urey
+%
+I'm just as sad as sad can be!
+	I've missed your special date.
+Please say that you're not mad at me
+	My tax return is late.
+		-- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards
+%
+I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
+living apart.
+		-- E.E. Cummings
+%
+I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
+N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
+I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
+She's traversed me seven times before.
+And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
+Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
+I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
+N-ary the tree I am, I am,
+N-ary the tree I am.
+		-- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders
+%
+I'm not a lovable man.
+		-- Richard Nixon.
+%
+I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out
+with twenty-eight years ago.
+		-- Will Rogers
+%
+I'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to
+match the men.
+		-- George Eliot
+%
+I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN.
+		-- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C
+%
+I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.
+%
+I'm not offering myself as an example;
+every life evolves by its own laws.
+%
+I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.
+%
+I'm not proud.
+%
+"I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!"
+%
+I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President.
+		-- Barry Goldwater, in 1964
+%
+I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!
+%
+I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't
+that good.
+		-- Amy Gorin
+%
+I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol
+that some thinkle peep I am.
+It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
+%
+I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
+gence?"  I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
+and use the word *billions*, and so on.  And then I say it would be astonishing
+to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
+yet no compelling evidence for it.  And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
+really think?"  I say, "I just told you what I really think."  "Yeah, but 
+what's your gut feeling?"  But I try not to think with my gut.  Really, it's
+okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
+		-- Carl Sagan
+%
+I'm prepared for all emergencies but
+totally unprepared for everyday life.
+%
+I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States.  The only thing is
+-- I could be just as proud for half the money.
+		-- Arthur Godfrey
+%
+I'm really enjoying not talking to you...
+Let's not talk again REAL soon...
+%
+I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
+%
+I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
+%
+I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma.
+%
+I'm sorry I missed.
+		-- Squeaky Fromme
+%
+I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.
+%
+I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
+%
+I'm successful because I'm lucky.
+The harder I work, the luckier I get.
+%
+"I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after badly nicking
+a customer.  "Let me wrap your head in a towel."
+	"That's all right," said the customer.  "I'll just take it home under
+my arm."
+%
+I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
+I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
+In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
+I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
+		-- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance"
+%
+I'm very old-fashioned.  I believe that people should marry for life,
+like pigeons and Catholics.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+Imagination is more important than knowledge.
+		-- A. Einstein
+%
+Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
+		-- Jules de Gaultier
+%
+Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual
+way.  This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of
+complaining.
+		-- Jeff Raskin
+%
+Imagine me going around with a pot belly.
+It would mean political ruin.
+		-- Adolf Hitler
+%
+Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer.  It has a
+150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a
+screen resolution of 1024 x 1024 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition
+for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.  What's the first
+question that the computer community asks?
+
+"Is it PC compatible?"
+%
+Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.
+		-- John Lennon, "Imagine"
+%
+Imagine what we can imagine!
+		-- Arthur Rubinstein
+%
+Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely.
+		-- Genji
+%
+Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension:
+	In order for something to become clean, something else must
+	become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting
+	anything clean.
+%
+Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
+		-- Fred Allen
+%
+Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
+%
+Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
+%
+Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.
+		-- Lionel Trilling
+%
+Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.
+		-- T.S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger"
+%
+Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
+		-- Jack Paar
+%
+Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
+		-- Edgar A. Shoaff
+%
+Immutability, Three Rules of:
+	(1)  If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
+	(2)  If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
+	(3)  If a teenager can go out, he will.
+%
+IMPARTIAL:
+	Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
+	espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
+	conflicting opinions.
+%
+Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
+Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading
+it.  Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
+from where you left them to where you can't find them.
+%
+In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin
+in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to
+revolution.  But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from
+behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka
+shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops.
+
+It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the
+ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go.
+%
+In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the
+dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government
+more to its liking.
+
+In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of
+Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its
+liking.
+%
+In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.
+%
+In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse,
+an IC will blow to protect the fuse.
+%
+In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:
+the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
+%
+In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death
+by slow starvation.  The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat,
+has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat.
+		-- Leon Trotsky, 1937
+%
+In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room
+humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network
+anyway.
+		-- The 5th Wave
+%
+In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.
+Only we can't control when the five year period will begin.
+%
+In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is
+placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.
+%
+In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the
+other really likes.
+		-- Elizabeth Ashley
+%
+In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ...
+in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent
+to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who
+have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
+		-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle"
+%
+In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
+frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
+are all merely transforms of one another.  This combined with
+minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
+compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
+lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost.  However,
+this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
+%
+In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search
+of a rebel computer hacker.  However, they were unable to complete the arrest
+because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only
+person in the house was named don provan.  Proving, once again, that Unix is
+superior to Tops10.
+%
+In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's 
+taste and in a sports car it's impossible.
+%
+In America any boy may become President, and I suppose that's just the
+risk he takes.
+		-- Adlai Stevenson
+%
+In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
+%
+In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to
+be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's
+beloved.
+		-- Russell Baker
+%
+In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.
+%
+In any country there must be people who have to die.  They are the
+sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.
+		-- Idi Amin Dada
+%
+In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
+are to be treated as variables.
+%
+In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work,
+the answer may be obtained by inspection.
+%
+In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations --
+it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
+		-- Stuart Keate
+%
+IN BOX:
+	A catch basin for everything you don't want
+	to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.
+%
+In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless
+the cows are known sluts.
+		-- Johnny Carson
+%
+In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it
+made the World Series just something that came later.
+		-- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner
+%
+In buying horses and taking a wife
+shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God.
+%
+In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he
+thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent
+teacher should know.  "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig
+said, "up to the mathematicians."
+		-- The New York Times, October 22, 1985
+%
+In California they don't throw their garbadge away -- they make
+it into television shows.
+		-- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
+%
+In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
+%
+In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling
+against prayer in schools will be temporarily cancelled.
+%
+In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"
+		-- The Kidner Report
+%
+In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
+%
+In case of injury notify your superior immediately.
+He'll kiss it and make it better.
+%
+In charity there is no excess.
+		-- Francis Bacon
+%
+In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her
+husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons.  A woman must never
+be free of subjugation.
+	-- The Hindu Code of Manu
+%
+In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
+%
+In Cristianity, a man may have only one wife.
+This is called Monotony.
+%
+In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
+		-- W. Churchill, on General Montgomery
+%
+In dwelling, be close to the land.
+In meditation, delve deep into the heart.
+In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
+In speech, be true.
+In work, be competent.
+In action, be careful of your timing.
+		-- Lao Tsu
+%
+In English, every word can be verbed.  Would that it were so in our
+programming languages.
+%
+In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
+		-- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.
+		-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
+%
+In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.
+Find the fun and snap!  The job's a game.
+And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake,
+	a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see.
+		-- Mary Poppins
+%
+In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.
+%
+In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier
+transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform
+in 1965.  The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and
+spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime.
+		-- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900
+%
+In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder;
+in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft.
+%
+In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because
+I wasn't a Communist.  Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up
+because I wasn't a Jew.  Then they came for the trade unionists, and I
+didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.  Then they came for the
+Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant.  Then they came
+for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up.
+		-- Pastor Martin Niemoller
+%
+In God we trust; all else we walk through.
+%
+In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker
+know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak?
+		-- Plato
+%
+In her first passion woman loves her lover,
+In all the others all she loves is love.
+		-- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
+%
+In high school in Brooklyn
+I was the baseball manager,
+proud as I could be
+I chased baseballs,
+gathered thrown bats
+handed out the towels			Eventually, I bought my own
+It was very important work		but it was dark blue while
+for a small spastic kid,		the official ones were green
+but I was a team member			Nobody ever said anything
+When the team got			to me about my blue jacket;
+their warm-up jackets			the guys were my friends
+I didn't get one			Yet it hurt me all year
+Only the regular team			to wear that blue jacket
+got these jackets, and			among all those green ones
+surely not a manager			Even now, forty years after,
+					I still recall that jacket
+					and the memory goes on hurting.
+		-- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
+%
+In Hollywood, all marriages are happy.  It's trying to live together
+afterwards that causes the problems.
+		-- Shelley Winters
+%
+In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
+		-- Rex Reed
+%
+In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
+use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
+which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,
+murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michaelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
+and the Renaissance.  In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had
+five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce?
+The cuckoo-clock.
+		-- Orson Welles, "The Third Man"
+%
+In just seven days, I can make you a man!
+		-- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
+	[ (and seven nights...)  Ed.]
+%
+In less than a century, computers will be making substantial
+progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace.
+		-- James Slagle
+%
+In like a dimwit, out like a light.
+		-- Pogo
+%
+In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original.
+		-- Bruton
+%
+In marriage, as in war, it is permitted
+to take every advantage of the enemy.
+%
+In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but
+the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they
+have obtained from books of travel.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+In matters of principle, stand like a rock;
+in matters of taste, swim with the current.
+		-- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
+		-- Josi Simon
+%
+In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf.
+It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game.
+%
+In most instances, all an argument
+proves is that two people are present.
+%
+In my end is my beginning.
+		-- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots
+%
+In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending
+your left leg, it's modern architecture.
+		-- Nancy Banks Smith
+%
+IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out
+becoming pure energy.
+		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+In Nature there are neither rewards nor
+punishments, there are consequences.
+		-- R.G. Ingersoll
+%
+In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar --
+a practice which is still continued.
+		-- Helen Rowland
+%
+In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension.
+%
+In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is;
+you're what's left.
+%
+In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
+%
+In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
+It is not always an easy sacrifice.
+%
+In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence
+is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
+intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption
+from the cares of office.
+%
+In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy.
+%
+In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced
+a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.
+		-- John Diefenbaker
+%
+In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia,
+happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary.
+		-- Paul Licker
+%
+In real love you want the other person's good.  In romantic love you
+want the other person.
+		-- Margaret Anderson
+%
+In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
+		-- Will Durst
+%
+In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really
+good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change
+their minds and you never hear that old view from them again.  They really
+do it.  It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are
+human and change is sometimes painful.  But it happens every day.  I cannot
+recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.
+		-- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
+%
+In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian.
+%
+In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.
+		-- Ann Frank
+%
+In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.
+		-- Alan Kay
+%
+In the beginning there was nothing.  And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
+And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.
+%
+In the beginning was the word.
+But by the time the second word was added to it,
+There was trouble.
+For with it came syntax ...
+		-- John Simon
+%
+In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the
+Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact
+which we coffee achievers have long appreciated:  no really creative,
+intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee.  On page
+14, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and
+fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest
+discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..."  Hadamard refers
+to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that
+memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote:
+
+	"One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and
+	could not sleep.  Ideas rose in crowds;  I felt them collide
+	until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable
+	combination."
+
+Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom.  Maybe he
+could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever.
+%
+In the days of old,
+When Knights were bold,
+	And women were too cautious;
+Oh, those gallant days,
+When women were women,
+	And men were really obnoxious.
+%
+In the dimestores and bus stations
+People talk of situations
+Read books repeat quotations
+Draw conclusions on the wall.
+		-- Bob Dylan
+%
+In the early morning queue,
+With a listing in my hand.
+With a worry in my heart,	There on terminal number 9,
+Waitin' here in CERAS-land.	Pascal run all set to go.
+I'm a long way from sleep,	But I'm waitin' in the queue,
+How I miss a good meal so.	With this code that ever grows.
+In the early mornin' queue,	Now the lobby chairs are soft,
+With no place to go.		But that can't make the queue move fast.
+				Hey, there it goes my friend,
+				I've moved up one at last.
+		-- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early
+		   Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot
+%
+In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish.  It changes
+into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky.  When this bird
+moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. This
+message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull making
+its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with the blue
+sky at its back, returns home.
+
+The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands it not.
+The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears its message.
+The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he does not know
+	that the bird has come and gone.
+%
+In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.
+		-- Martin Mull
+%
+In the first place, God made idiots;
+this was for practice; then he made school boards.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
+the proper order then why can't he?
+%
+In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
+the proper order then why can't he?
+
+
+I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
+Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
+	S-O-D-A soda
+I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
+I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
+	Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
+
+Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
+A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
+	Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
+Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
+How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
+	Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
+		-- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks
+%
+In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.
+		-- Joseph Stalin
+%
+In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
+You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
+%
+In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
+		-- Lenny Bruce
+%
+In the highest society, as well as in the lowest,
+woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.
+		-- Tolstoy
+%
+In the land of the dark the Ship of the
+Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead.
+		-- Egyptian Book of the Dead
+%
+In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble.
+		-- Alan Perlis
+%
+In the long run we are all dead.
+		-- John Maynard Keynes
+%
+In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold.  100 feet to the north stands
+a smart manager.  100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager.  100 feet to
+the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.
+
+Q:	Who gets to the pot of gold first?
+A:	The dumb manager.  All the rest are myths.
+%
+In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man 
+noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of
+the revelers.  Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet
+conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this
+jaded group.  Why don't I take you home?""
+	"Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely.  "Where do you
+live?"
+%
+In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not
+displeasing to us.
+		-- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
+%
+In the next world, you're on your own.
+%
+In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains.  As night falls the
+wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle.  After
+everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the
+camp.
+	After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from
+a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day.  The drums get
+louder and louder.
+	Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like
+the sound of those drums."
+	Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp:  "IT'S
+NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER."
+%
+In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a
+loaf of bread.  However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to
+you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty
+lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy.  If you stole a dog
+and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it
+was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
+struggled and had lots of children.  There was a Frenchman who talked funny
+and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
+crunch he was all courage.  Those novels would make you retch.
+		-- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
+		   novel.
+%
+In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
+shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles.  Therefore ... in the Old
+Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred
+thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the
+Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long.  ... There is
+something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesome returns of
+conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+In the Spring, I have counted 136
+different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
+		-- Mark Twain, on New England weather
+%
+In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
+%
+In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop
+out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques.
+		-- Art Linkletter
+%
+In the war of wits, he's unarmed.
+%
+In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
+In practice, there is.
+%
+In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
+		-- Pliny the Elder
+%
+In this vale
+Of toil and sin
+Your head grows bald
+But not your chin.
+		-- Burma Shave
+%
+In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
+		-- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be
+thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
+		-- H.L. Mencken
+%
+In this world some people are going to like me and some are not.
+So, I may as well be me.  Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.
+%
+In this world there are only two tragedies.  One is
+not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
+%
+In time, every post tends to be occupied by an
+employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties.
+		-- Dr. L.J. Peter
+%
+In /users3 did Kubla Kahn
+A stately pleasure dome decree,
+Where /bin, the sacred river ran
+Through Test Suites measureless to Man
+Down to a sunless C.
+%
+In war it is not men, but the man who counts.
+		-- Napoleon
+%
+In war, truth is the first casualty.
+		-- U Thant
+%
+In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
+%
+In wine there is truth (In vino veritas).
+		-- Pliny
+%
+In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree
+But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.
+%
+In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
+A stately pleasure dome decree:
+Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
+Through caverns measureless to man
+Down to a sunless sea.
+So twice five miles of fertile ground
+With walls and towers were girdled round:
+And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
+Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
+And here were forest ancient as the hills,
+Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
+		-- S.T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn"
+%
+In youth, it was a way I had
+To do my best to please,
+And change, with every passing lad,
+To suit his theories.
+
+But now I know the things I know,
+And do the things I do;
+And if you do not like me so,
+To hell, my love, with you!
+		-- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer"
+%
+INCENTIVE PROGRAM:
+	The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
+	to motivate its people.  Still, despite all the experimentation with
+	profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
+	incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
+	keep it."
+%
+Include me out.
+%
+Increased knowledge will help you now.
+Have mate's phone bugged.
+%
+INCUMBENT:
+	Person of livliest interest to the outcumbents.
+%
+Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
+%
+Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as
+`all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled
+with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'
+		-- M.D. Epstein
+%
+INDEX:
+	Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
+	alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.
+%
+Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball.  Basketball, soybeans, hogs and
+basketball.  Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic.  Berkeley
+is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.
+		-- Carolyn Jones
+%
+Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
+%
+Individualists unite!
+%
+Indomitable in retreat; invincible in
+advance; insufferable in victory.
+		-- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
+%
+infancy, n:
+	The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies
+about us."  The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the
+Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
+%
+Information Center:
+	A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to
+	tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
+%
+Information is the inverse of entropy.
+%
+Information Processing:
+	What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with
+	it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
+%
+Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
+
+	Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner:
+		Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles!
+		Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet
+		behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen
+		obedicing the instructs of the vessel.
+
+	On the door in a Belgrade hotel:
+		Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on
+		the service. Our utmost will improve it.
+
+		-- Colin Bowles
+%
+Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
+
+	Sign on a cathedral in Spain:
+		It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
+		dressed as a man.
+
+	Above the enterance to a Cairo bar:
+		Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
+		or similar.
+
+	On a Bucharest elevator:
+
+		The lift is being fixed for the next days.
+		During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
+
+		-- Colin Bowles
+%
+Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
+
+	Various signs in Poland:
+
+		Right turn toward immediate outside.
+
+		Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons.
+
+		Five o'clock tea at all hours.
+
+	In a men's washroom in Sidney:
+
+		Shake excess water from hands, push button to start,
+		rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands
+		on front of shirt.
+
+		-- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle
+%
+ingrate, n:
+	A man who bites the hand that feeds him,
+	and then complains of indigestion.
+%
+Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
+		-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
+%
+ink, n:
+	A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic,
+	and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of
+	idiocy and promote intellectual crime.
+		-- H.L. Mencken
+%
+Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one
+likes oneself.
+		-- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect"
+%
+INNOVATE:
+	Annoy people.
+%
+Innovation is hard to schedule.
+		-- Dan Fylstra
+%
+INNUENDO:
+	Italian enema.
+%
+Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same
+token it is the shortest detour to marriage.
+		-- Wilson Mizner
+%
+Insanity is inherited, you get it from your kids!
+%
+Insanity is the final defense.  It's hard to get a refund when
+the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
+%
+INSECURITY:
+	Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your
+	favorite words.
+
+	Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to
+	the person who told it to you.
+%
+Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
+%
+Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
+%
+Inspector:	"Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first
+			hunting accident?"
+Mrs. Freem:	"His first fatal one, yes."
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.
+%
+Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't
+they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning
+anything?  If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five
+years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
+	-- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.
+		-- Edgar W. Howe
+%
+Integrity has no need for rules.
+%
+Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way.
+		-- Henry Spencer
+%
+Intellect annuls Fate.
+So far as a man thinks, he is free.
+		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+Interchangeable parts won't.
+%
+INTEREST:
+	What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and
+	burned out employees must feign.
+%
+Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the
+street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US
+invasion of Grenada.  Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no;
+and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"
+		-- David Letterman
+%
+Interfere?  Of course we should interfere!  Always do what you're
+best at, that's what I say.
+		-- Doctor Who
+%
+INTERPRETER:
+	One who enables two persons of different languages to understand
+	each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the
+	interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
+%
+Into love and out again,
+	Thus I went and thus I go.
+Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
+	Well and bitterly I know
+All the songs were ever sung,
+	All the words were ever said;
+Could it be, when I was young,
+	Someone dropped me on my head?
+		-- Dorothy Parker, "Theory"
+%
+INTOXICATED:
+	When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
+%
+Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor.
+
+INSTRUCTION SET
+	Code	Mnemonic	What
+	0	NOP		No Operation
+	1	JMP		Jump (address specified by next 2 bits)
+
+Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!
+%
+Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!
+%
+Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing --
+it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.
+		-- Bernard Cooke
+%
+I/O, I/O,
+It's off to disk I go,
+A bit or byte to read or write,
+I/O, I/O, I/O...
+%
+
+
+_/I\_____________o______________o___/I\     l  * /    /_/ *   __  '     .* l
+I"""_____________l______________l___"""I\   l      *//      _l__l_   . *.  l
+ [__][__][(******)__][__](******)[__][] \l  l-\ ---//---*----(oo)----------l
+ [][__][__(******)][__][_(******)_][__] l   l  \\ // ____ >-(    )-<    /  l
+ [__][__][_l    l[__][__][l    l][__][] l   l \\)) ._****_.(......) .@@@:::l
+ [][__][__]l   .l_][__][__]   .l__][__] l   l   ll  _(o_o)_        (@*_*@  l
+ [__][__][/   <_)[__][__]/   <_)][__][] l   l   ll (  / \  )     /   / / ) l
+ [][__][ /..,/][__][__][/..,/_][__][__] l   l  / \\  _\  \_   /     _\_\   l
+ [__][__(__/][__][__][_(__/_][__][__][] l   l______________________________l
+ [__][__]] l     ,  , .      [__][__][] l
+ [][__][_] l   . i. '/ ,     [][__][__] l        /\**/\       season's
+ [__][__]] l  O .\ / /, O    [__][__][] l       ( o_o  )_)       greetings
+_[][__][_] l__l======='=l____[][__][__] l_______,(u  u  ,),__________________
+ [__][__]]/  /l\-------/l\   [__][__][]/       {}{}{}{}{}{}<R>
+
+In Ellen's house it is warm and toasty while fuzzies play in the snow outside.
+
+%
+IOT trap -- core dumped
+%
+IOT trap -- mos dumped
+%
+Iowa State -- the high school after high school!
+	-- Crow T. Robot
+%
+Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid.  That's because
+they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those
+little paper envelopes.
+%
+Iron Law of Distribution:
+	Them that has, gets.
+%
+IRONY:
+	A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with
+	a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes.
+%
+Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
+%
+Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast?
+%
+"Is a tatoo real, like a curb or a battleship?
+Or are we suffering in Safeway?"
+		-- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?
+%
+Is death legally binding?
+%
+Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
+meant to be discarded:  that the whole point is to always see it as
+a soap bubble?
+%
+Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+Is knowledge knowable?  If not, how do we know that?
+%
+Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning
+of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out,
+and such as are out wish to get in?
+		-- Ralph Emerson
+%
+Is sex dirty?  Only if it's done right.
+		-- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"
+%
+Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
+		-- Mae West
+%
+Is that really YOU that is reading this?
+%
+"Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?"
+"To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time."
+"The dog did nothing in the night-time."
+"That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes.
+%
+Is there life before breakfast?
+%
+Is this really happening?
+%
+Isn't air travel wonderful?
+Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
+%
+Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent
+person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind?
+		-- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters
+%
+Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
+listen to weather forecasts and economists?
+		-- Kelvin Throop III
+%
+Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives
+avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that
+would make them better prospects?
+%
+Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live
+there?
+		-- Herb Caen
+%
+Isn't it strange that the same people that
+laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
+%
+ISO applications:
+	A solution in search of a problem!
+%
+Issawi's Laws of Progress:
+	The Course of Progress:
+		Most things get steadily worse.
+	The Path of Progress:
+		A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
+%
+It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the
+most widely used higher level language for systems programming.
+		-- J. Sammet
+%
+It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
+Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
+It lies behind starts and under hills,
+And empty holes it fills.
+It comes first and follows after,
+Ends life, kills laughter.
+%
+"It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is
+any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's
+horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's
+existence.  But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be
+that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a
+thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's
+horse has wings by Walter having a different horse.  Nor does "Walter's
+horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that
+Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only
+have wings by not being Walter's horse.
+
+I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P
+then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand
+for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is
+necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a
+better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me.
+		-- A.N. Prior, "Time and Modality"
+%
+It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
+		-- Benjamin Disraeli
+%
+It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would
+interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation
+for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were
+invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by
+was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is
+hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have
+carried me.
+	-- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time"
+%
+It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
+%
+It does not matter if you fall down as long as you
+pick up something from the floor while you get up.
+%
+It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
+done and what you're going to do.
+%
+It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
+%
+It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out
+next morning it was someone else.
+		-- Rogers
+%
+It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan
+which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,
+insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather
+than be the instrument of his army's downfall.
+		-- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought"
+%
+It gets late early out there.
+		-- Yogi Berra
+%
+It got to the point where I had to get a haircut
+or both feet firmly planted in the air.
+%
+It hangs down from the chandelier
+Nobody knows quite what it does
+Its color is odd and its shape is weird
+It emits a high-sounding buzz
+
+It grows a couple of feet each day
+and wriggles with sort of a twitch
+Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from
+a visiting uncle who's rich!
+		-- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear"
+%
+It happened long ago
+In the new magic land
+The Indians and the buffalo    
+Existed hand in hand
+The Indians needed food
+They need skins for a roof
+The only took what they needed
+And the buffalo ran loose
+But then came the white man
+With his thick and empty head
+He couldn't see past his billfold
+He wanted all the buffalo dead
+It was sad, oh so sad.
+		-- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo"
+%
+It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater.  The clown came
+out to inform the public.  They thought it was just a jest and applauded.
+He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder.  So I think the world
+will come to an end amid general applause from all the wits, who believe
+that it is a joke.
+%
+It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be
+most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment,
+it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind.
+		-- H. Warner Munn
+%
+It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it
+is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists
+have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+It has been said that man is a rational animal.  All my life
+I have been searching for evidence which could support this.
+		-- Bertrand Russell
+%
+It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends
+and getting people under the influence.
+		-- Jeremy Tunstall
+%
+It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
+%
+It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill,
+or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing.  It dehumanizes those who
+achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom
+good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy
+notions.  This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all
+infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from
+folklore to Article of Belief.  It enhances their self-esteem and lightens
+their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that
+appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge,
+and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum
+competence will be quite enough.
+		-- The Underground Grammarian
+%
+It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely
+the most important.
+		-- Sherlock Holmes
+%
+It has long been an axiom of mine that the
+little things are infinitely the most important.
+		-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
+%
+It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the
+manes of horses.  The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle
+baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest
+is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
+%
+It has long been known that one horse can run faster
+than another -- but which one?  Differences are crucial.
+		-- Lazarus Long
+%
+It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of
+indulgence for infanticide.  A question of interest, my dear Sir!  The jury
+is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim
+of infanticide.
+		-- Edmond About
+%
+It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens,
+to argue with the belly, since it has no ears.
+		-- Marcus Porcius Cato
+%
+It is a lesson which all history teaches
+wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.
+		-- Emerson
+%
+It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
+%
+It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
+		-- Aeschylus
+%
+It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was
+my age, he had been dead for 2 years.
+		-- Tom Lehrer
+%
+It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but
+it is also very memorable.  I vividly recall the night we decided how to
+organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360.  The
+manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and
+I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
+	The architecture manager had 10 good men.  He asserted that they
+could write the specifications and do it right.  It would take ten months,
+three more than the schedule allowed.
+	The control program manager had 150 men.  He asserted that they
+could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
+it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
+Futhermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
+their thumbs for ten months.
+	To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
+program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
+but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality.  I did, and
+it was.  He was right on both counts.  Moreover, the lack of conceptual
+integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would
+estimate that it added a year to debugging time.
+		-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
+%
+It is a wise father that knows his own child.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
+%
+It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.
+What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing
+thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?
+		-- Alan Perlis
+%
+It is all right to hold a conversation, 
+but you should let go of it now and then.
+		-- Richard Armour
+%
+It is always the best policy to speak the truth,
+unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar.
+		-- Jerome K. Jerome
+%
+It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,
+you are an exceptionally good liar.
+		-- Jerome K. Jerome
+%
+It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.
+%
+It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
+		-- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
+%
+It is bad luck to be superstitious.
+		-- Andrew W. Mathis
+%
+[It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time.
+		-- K&R
+%
+It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.
+%
+It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all.
+%
+It is better to burn out than it is to rust.
+%
+It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
+%
+It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
+%
+It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
+%
+It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
+%
+It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
+%
+It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
+%
+It is better to live rich than to die rich.
+		-- Samuel Johnson
+%
+It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
+%
+It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.
+%
+It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free,
+and weight yourself down with invisible chains.
+%
+It is better to wear out than to rust out.
+%
+It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
+freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+It is common sense to take a method and try it.  If it fails,
+admit it frankly and try another.  But above all, try something.
+		-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
+%
+It is contrary to reasoning to say that there
+is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing.
+		-- Descartes
+%
+It is convenient that there be gods, and,
+as it is convenient, let us believe there are.
+		-- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
+%
+It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might
+remember.
+		-- Eugene McCarthy
+%
+It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
+%
+It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive
+and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing
+rabbits singing about toilet paper.
+		-- R. Serling
+%
+It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
+%
+It is easier for a camel to pass through the
+eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
+		-- Kehlog Albran
+%
+It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
+proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a
+better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat
+your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of
+attention, the harder the task.
+		-- Sydney J. Harris
+%
+It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
+%
+It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
+		-- Alfred Adler
+%
+It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.
+		-- George Santayana
+%
+It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
+		-- Leonardo da Vinci
+%
+It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
+%
+It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
+%
+It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.
+		-- Aeschylus
+%
+It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination
+of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...
+		-- Russell Baker and Charles Peters
+%
+It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he
+holds back one who is hastening.  Rather one should befriend the guest who
+is there, but speed him when he wishes.
+		-- Homer, "The Odyssey"
+ 
+	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+	 referring to scheduling.]
+%
+It is exactly because a man cannot do a
+thing that he is a proper judge of it.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take.  This
+is untrue.  Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the
+last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give
+enough.
+		-- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin"
+%
+It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
+%
+It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
+without your help.
+		-- Miss Manners
+%
+It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
+%
+It is fruitless:
+	to become lacrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid.
+
+	to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
+		innovative maneuvers.
+%
+It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
+if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
+		-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
+%
+It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion:
+love does not lie in the ear.
+		-- Walpole
+%
+It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward
+the vividly imaginative.  For although it may momentarily appear to be the
+case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by
+crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.
+		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
+%
+It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
+%
+It is impossible to defend perfectly
+against the attack of those who want to die.
+%
+It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly
+unless one has plenty of work to do.
+		-- Jerome Klapka Jerome
+%
+It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do.
+		-- Jerome K. Jerome
+%
+It is impossible to make anything
+foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
+%
+It is impossible to travel faster than light, and
+certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+IT IS IN PROCESS:
+	So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
+%
+It is indeed desirable to be well descended,
+but the glory belongs to our ancestors.
+		-- Plutarch
+%
+It is like saying that for the cause of peace,
+God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting.
+		-- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip
+%
+It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his
+wife in public.  It always makes people think that he beats her when
+they're alone.  The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks
+like a happy married life.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
+		-- Benjamin Disraeli
+%
+It is much easier to suggest solutions
+when you know nothing about the problem.
+%
+It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
+%
+It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged
+to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the
+youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
+		-- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.
+		-- Kingsley Amis
+%
+It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
+%
+It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do,
+that makes life blessed.
+		-- Goethe
+%
+It is not enough that I should succeed.  Others must fail.
+		-- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's
+		[Also attributed to David Merrick.  Ed.]
+
+It is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.
+		-- Gore Vidal
+		[Great minds think alike?  Ed.]
+%
+It is not enough to have a good mind.
+The main thing is to use it well.
+		-- Rene Descartes
+%
+It is not enough to have great qualities,
+we should also have the management of them.
+		-- La Rochefoucauld
+%
+It is not every question that deserves an answer.
+		-- Publilius Syrus
+%
+It is not for me to attempt to fathom the
+inscrutable workings of Providence.
+		-- The Earl of Birkenhead
+%
+It is not good for a man to be without knowledge,
+and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.
+		-- Proverbs 19:2
+%
+It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for
+dessert.  The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but
+she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork.  She
+does not want you to call attention to this by saying, 'If you wanted a
+dessert, why didn't you order one?'  You must understand, she has the
+dessert she wants.  The dessert she wants is contained within yours.
+		-- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman"
+%
+It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply
+that cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.
+		-- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics"
+%
+It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether
+the doer of deeds could have done them better.  The credit belongs to the
+man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and
+blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who
+knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a
+worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that
+he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory
+or defeat.
+		-- Teddy Roosevelt
+%
+It is not true that life is one damn thing after
+another -- it's one damn thing over and over.
+		-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
+%
+It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on
+the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road.  His
+wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights.  He is wearing a
+kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and
+big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top.  His yellow hair
+and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood.  He could pass for some
+kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife
+sticking out of his chest.  *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.*
+		-- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road"
+%
+It is now 10 p.m.  Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
+		-- Elizabeth Carpenter
+%
+It is now pitch dark.  If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
+%
+It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort
+to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and
+chemistry.
+		-- H.L. Mencken
+%
+It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.
+		-- Grace Murray Hopper
+%
+It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.
+		-- Cervantes
+%
+It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live
+at all.  And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result
+is the only thing that makes the result come true.
+		-- William James
+%
+It is only with the heart one can see clearly;
+what is essential is invisible to the eye.
+		-- The Fox, 'The Little Prince"
+%
+It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost
+anything in any language}.  However, the fact that it is possible to push
+a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible
+way of getting it there.  Each of these techniques of language extension
+should be used in its proper place.
+		-- Christopher Strachey
+%
+It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.
+		-- Maimie Van Doren
+%
+It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that
+have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are
+mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
+		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
+%
+It is ridiculous to call this an industry.  This is not.  This is rat eat
+rat, dog eat dog.  I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they 
+kill me.  You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
+		-- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
+%
+It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
+his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
+worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
+day like any other day, only shorter.
+		-- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
+%
+It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a
+sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate
+in all times and situations.  They presented him the words: "And this,
+too, shall pass away."
+		-- A. Lincoln
+%
+It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
+lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
+high as the eagle?
+%
+It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
+		-- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
+%
+It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the
+devil when he is the only explanation of it.
+		-- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight"
+%
+It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-
+yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up.
+%
+It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
+statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious 
+to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, 
+which morally we can do.  To affect the quality of the day, that is the
+highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details,
+worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour.
+		-- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
+%
+It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
+		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+It is the business of little minds to shrink.
+		-- Carl Sandburg
+%
+It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
+		-- Hawkwind
+%
+It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will
+set an house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs.
+		-- Francis Bacon
+%
+It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
+		-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
+%
+It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.
+		-- Francis Bacon
+%
+It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
+%
+It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously
+lives, works and has his being.
+		-- Thomas Carlyle
+%
+It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five
+straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity.  But it takes
+Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
+%
+It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.
+	-- Lloyd Kaufman,
+	   producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator"
+%
+It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist.
+It produces a false impression.
+		-- Oscar Wilde.
+%
+It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
+		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
+		-- Roger Babson
+%
+It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
+		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.
+%
+It isn't easy being green.
+		-- Kermit the Frog
+%
+It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old.  However, it's a pretty
+small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands
+computers.
+%
+It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
+unhappy.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with.
+                -- Jack T. Shakespeare
+%
+It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods
+to Grandmother's condo.
+%
+It looked like something resembling white marble, which was
+probably what it was: something resembling white marble.
+		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
+%
+It looks like it's up to me to save our skins.
+Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!
+		-- Princess Leia Organa
+%
+IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
+a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
+that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
+
+Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them!  Man, wise up.
+		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair
+to get in, and those within despair of getting out.
+		-- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
+%
+It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win
+or lose.
+		-- Darrin Weinberg
+%
+It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is
+better still to be a live lion.  And usually easier.
+		-- Lazarus Long
+%
+It may be that your whole purpose in life
+is simply to serve as a warning to others.
+%
+It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
+%
+It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
+doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of
+a new system.  For the initiator has the emnity of all who would profit
+by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders
+in those who would gain by the new ones.
+		-- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
+%
+It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions
+that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that
+starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed.
+		-- Arthur Binstead
+%
+It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
+%
+It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.
+%
+It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of
+one's life and then come round.
+		-- Lord Alfred Douglas
+%
+It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
+%
+It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and
+they'll come out for it.
+		-- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood mogul
+		Harry Cohn
+%
+It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people.  The good ones
+slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much
+more.
+		-- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
+%
+It seems a little silly now, but this country
+was founded as a protest against taxation.
+%
+It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should
+be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of
+unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of
+artificial lubrication or foreplay.
+	-- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's
+	   "Sex, Art and American Culture"
+%
+It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong.
+		-- Chris Torek
+%
+It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level
+language named "research student".
+%
+It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
+%
+It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how
+to love with authority.  Women are simple souls who like simple things,
+and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give.  ...  Our family
+airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head.  The
+average wife is like that.
+	-- Episcopal Bishop James Pike
+%
+It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it.
+%
+It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.
+%
+It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.
+		-- Crazy Charlie
+%
+It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
+%
+It takes less time to do a thing right
+than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
+		-- H.W. Longfellow
+%
+It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.
+%
+It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card
+may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada
+military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said
+the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces.  One soldier found
+a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army
+officiers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
+Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.
+		-- Aviation Week and Space Technology
+%
+It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
+but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
+		-- Robert Benchley
+%
+It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
+system.  From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine
+some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very
+sharp, probably not someone here on campus.
+		-- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in
+		   Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm.
+%
+It used to be the fun was in
+The capture and kill.
+In another place and time
+I did it all for thrills.
+		-- Lust to Love
+%
+It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
+%
+It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
+%
+It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest
+since the middle of my marriage.  There was energy, softness, grace and
+laughter.  I even took my socks off.  In my circle, that means class.
+		-- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944"
+%
+It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country.  The Greeks
+never said it was sweet to die for anything.  They had no vital lies.
+		-- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
+%
+It was all so different before everything changed.
+%
+It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer,
+when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.
+		-- Dion, noted computer scientist
+%
+It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze
+was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ...
+		--- James Dent
+%
+It was one time too many
+One word too few
+It was all too much for me and you
+There was one way to go
+Nothing more we could do
+One time too many
+One word too few
+		-- Meredith Tanner
+%
+It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.
+%
+It was pity stayed his hand.  "Pity I don't have any more bullets,"
+thought Frito.
+		-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
+%
+It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day.  Perhaps
+I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it.  I
+don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
+the signature (which I guessed at).  There's a singular and a perpetual
+charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
+novelty.  Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
+yours are kept forever -- unread.  One of them will last a reasonable
+man a lifetime.
+		-- Thomas Aldrich
+%
+It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country
+road.  Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse
+and knocked on the front door.  No one responded.  He could feel the water
+from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop.
+The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer.  By now he was soaked
+to the skin.  Desperately he pounded on the door.  At last the head of a
+man appeared out of an upstairs window.
+	"What do you want?" he asked gruffly.
+	"My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you
+would let me stay here for the night."
+	"Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's
+okay with me."
+%
+It was the Law of the Sea, they said.  Civilization ends at the waterline.
+Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
+		-- Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+It was wonderful to find America, but it
+would have been more wonderful to miss it.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.
+		-- Tim Conway
+%
+It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.
+It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
+%
+It would be nice to be sure of anything
+the way some people are of everything.
+%
+It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
+%
+italic, adj:
+	Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases.  Unique to
+	Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases
+	are often slanted to the left.
+%
+It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.
+%
+It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
+		-- Luke Skywalker
+%
+It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools.
+		-- Danny Vermin
+%
+It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back
+and party!
+		-- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space"
+%
+It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
+		-- Andrew Jackson
+%
+It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underware.
+		-- Cheers
+%
+It's a naive, domestic operating system without any
+breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
+%
+It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
+%
+It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression
+when you lose yours.
+		-- Harry S. Truman
+%
+It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+It's all in the mind, ya know.
+%
+It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
+		-- Mick Jagger
+%
+"It's all so painfully empty and lonesome...  I don't think I can stand
+any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are 
+never missed.  The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really...  We come
+out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
+What is the point of it all?  Who thought up this sickening circle of
+flesh and blood?  We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
+half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, multilation, and
+then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever.  Who could
+have thought it up, I wonder?"
+		-- James Purdy
+%
+It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
+		-- Alex Clark
+%
+It's amazing how many people you could be friends
+with if only they'd make the first approach.
+%
+It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.
+%
+It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
+%
+It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
+		-- Michael Arlen
+%
+It's bad enough that life is a rat-race,
+but why do the rats always have to win?
+%
+It's better to be quotable than to be honest.
+		-- Tom Stoppard
+%
+It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
+		-- Marty Winch
+%
+It's better to burn out than it is to rust.
+%
+It's better to burn out than to fade away.
+%
+It's better to have loved and lost -- much better.
+%
+It's business doing pleasure with you.
+%
+It's clever, but is it art?
+%
+It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
+%
+"It's easier said than done."
+
+... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
+said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
+said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
+done".
+%
+It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
+		-- Don Price
+%
+It's easier to get forgiveness for being
+wrong than forgiveness for being right.
+%
+It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
+		-- Washlesky
+%
+It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong;
+it's much harder to forgive them for being right.
+%
+It's easy to make a friend.  What's hard is to make a stranger.
+%
+It's fabulous!  We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
+		-- Macy's
+%
+Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism
+in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with
+the ignorance of the community.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+It's faster horses,
+Younger women,
+Older whiskey and
+More money.
+		-- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life"
+%
+It's from Casablanca.  I've been waiting all my life to use that line.
+		-- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam"
+%
+It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the
+first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to
+kill somebody.
+		-- Dorothy Sayers
+%
+It's gonna be alright,
+It's almost midnight,
+And I've got two more bottles of wine.
+%
+It's hard not to like a man of many qualities,
+even if most of them are bad.
+%
+It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma.
+If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas?
+%
+It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
+%
+It's hard to drive at the limit, but
+it's harder to know where the limits are.
+		-- Stirling Moss
+%
+It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+It's hard to keep your shirt on when
+you're getting something off your chest.
+%
+It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe.
+		-- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead"
+%
+It's hard to think of you as the end
+result of millions of years of evolution.
+%
+It's important that people know what you stand for.
+It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.
+%
+It's interesting to think that many quite
+distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
+%
+It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is.
+If you don't, it's its.  Then too, it's hers.  It isn't her's.  It isn't
+our's either.  It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
+		-- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News"
+%
+It's just apartment house rules,
+So all you 'partment house fools
+Remember:  one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
+One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
+		-- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor"
+%
+It's later than you think.
+%
+It's later than you think, the joint
+Russian-American space mission has already begun.
+%
+It's like deja vu all over again.
+		-- Yogi Berra
+%
+It's Like This
+
+Even the samurai
+have teddy bears,
+and even the teddy bears
+get drunk.
+%
+It's lucky you're going so slowly, because
+you're going in the wrong direction.
+%
+It's multiple choice time...
+
+	What is FORTRAN?
+
+	a: Between thre and fiv tran.
+	b: What two computers engage in before they interface.
+	c: Ridiculous.
+%
+Its name is Public Opinion.  It is held in reverence.
+It settles everything.  Some think it is the voice of God.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
+%
+It's no longer a question of staying healthy.  It's a question of finding
+a sickness you like.
+		-- Jackie Mason
+%
+It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.
+%
+It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.
+		-- Tom Lehrer
+%
+It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
+		-- Phil White
+%
+It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.
+		-- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston
+%
+It's not easy being green.
+		-- Kermit
+%
+It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
+		-- Alexander Korda
+%
+It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong.
+		-- J.K. Galbraith
+%
+It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
+%
+It's not that I'm afraid to die.
+I just don't want to be there when it happens.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.
+%
+It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
+		-- Mae West
+%
+It's not whether you win or lose but how you look playing the game.
+%
+It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game.
+		-- Grantland Rice
+%
+It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
+%
+It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
+%
+It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is
+the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages
+"You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
+		-- Sydney J. Harris
+%
+It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain
+what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.
+		-- Roger Noe
+%
+It's our fault.  We should have given him better parts.
+		-- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been
+		   elected governor of California.
+
+[Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy
+for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."]
+%
+It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve
+as a warning to others.
+%
+It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness;
+poverty and wealth have both failed.
+		-- Kim Hubbard
+%
+It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
+%
+It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough,
+society will take full responsibility for you.
+%
+It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
+using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys.  Seems that there are not
+only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached.  The only
+difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
+results to humans.
+
+	[Also, there are some things even a rat won't do.  Ed.]
+%
+It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers
+have been all over it.
+		-- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine.
+%
+It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment,
+	just to see if it's real,
+Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel,
+But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face,
+So ask me just one question when this magic night is through,
+Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you?
+		-- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
+%
+It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
+Devil when he is the only explanation for it.
+%
+It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
+%
+It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
+%
+It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.
+		-- Tallulah Bankhead
+%
+It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon.  Which raises
+the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.
+		-- Franklin P. Jones
+%
+It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer...
+boy gets another beer.
+		-- Cheers
+%
+"It's today!" said Piglet.
+"My favorite day," said Pooh.
+%
+It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're
+madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
+%
+It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the
+venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.
+		-- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy.
+%
+It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never
+know when everything may suddenly stop happening.
+%
+IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
+    equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
+    spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
+	Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
+	inevitably unsuccessful.
+ V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
+	Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
+	them directly away from the earth's surface.  A spooky noise or an
+	adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to
+	the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.
+	The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding
+	auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
+VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
+	This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
+	character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
+	altercation at several places simultaneously.  This effect is common
+	as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled.  A "wacky"
+	character has the option of self-replication only at manic high
+	speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
+		-- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
+%
+I've already told you more than I know.
+%
+I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.
+%
+I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,
+when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!
+%
+I've always made it a solemn practice to never
+drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast.
+		-- R. Nesson
+%
+I've been in more laps than a napkin.
+		-- Mae West
+%
+I've Been Moved!
+%
+I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
+		-- Totie Fields
+%
+I've been on this lonely road so long,
+Does anybody know where it goes,
+I remember last time the signs pointed home,
+A month ago.
+		-- Carpenters, "Road Ode"
+%
+I've been there.
+%
+I've built a better model than the one at Data General
+For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
+My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
+My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
+My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
+You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
+There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
+My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
+
+I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
+There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
+Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
+I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
+
+		-- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song", (To the tune of
+		   "Modern Major General")
+%
+I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means.
+It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.
+		-- Dennie van Tassel
+%
+I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
+%
+I've got a very bad feeling about this.
+		-- Han Solo
+%
+I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.
+		-- Henny Youngman
+%
+I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
+		-- Stephen Wright
+%
+I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+I've had one child.  My husband wants to have another.
+I'd like to watch him have another.
+%
+I've looked at the listing, and it's right!
+		-- Joel Halpern.
+%
+I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must
+be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember...
+
+Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.
+%
+I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
+		-- George Gobel
+%
+I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
+		-- Calvin Coolidge
+%
+I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police.
+		-- Keith Richards
+
+I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom.  I think that's the height of
+bad taste.
+		-- Keith Richards
+%
+I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
+		-- W.C. Fields
+%
+I've noticed several design suggestions in your code.
+%
+I've only got 12 cards.
+%
+I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men.  They're not
+like other men.  Their spirit is great and stimulating.  They hate strife;
+indeed they reject it.  Their inventive gifts are boundless.  They demand
+devotion and obedience.  And a sense of humor.  I happily gave all of this.
+I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them.
+		-- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway
+%
+I've tried several varieties of sex.  The conventional position makes
+me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
+		-- Tallulah Bankhead
+%
+Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
+	No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
+	legislature is in session.
+%
+jake hates
+	  all the girls(the
+shy ones, the bold		paul scorns all
+ones; the meek				       the girls(the
+proud sloppy sleek)		bright ones, the dim
+all except the cold		ones; the slim
+		   ones		plump tiny tall)
+				all except the
+					      dull ones
+gus loves all the
+		 girls(the
+warped ones, the lamed		mike likes all the girls
+ones; the mad						(the
+moronic maimed)			fat ones, the lean
+all except			ones; the mean
+	  the dead ones		kind dirty clean)
+				all
+				   except the green ones
+		-- e e cummings
+%
+James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his
+West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life,
+"If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general."
+%
+Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back
+east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible
+Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium
+because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard,
+by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social
+grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on
+television?" and "Good night".
+	-- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho
+	   Letters, 1967
+%
+Japan, n:
+	A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists
+	create electronic equipment and computers using black magic.  It
+	is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are
+	paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from
+	which they are harvested by the happy natives.
+%
+Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
+%
+Jenkinson's Law:
+	It won't work.
+%
+Jim, it's Grace at the bank.  I checked your Christmas Club account.
+You don't have five-hundred dollars.  You have fifty.  Sorry, computer foul-up!
+%
+Jim, it's Jack.  I'm at the airport.  I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay
+you the five-hundred I owe you.  Catch you next year when I get back!
+%
+Jim Nasium's Law:
+	In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people
+	using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to
+	each other so that everybody is cramped.
+%
+Jim, this is Janelle.  I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and
+I gotta find a safe place for Daffy.  He loves you, Jim!  It's only two
+days, and you'll see.  Great Danes are no problem!
+%
+Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's.  Some guy named Angel
+Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab.  And now he wants to charge it
+to you.  You gonna pay it?
+%
+JOB INTERVIEW:
+	The excruciating process during which personnel officers
+	separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.
+%
+job Placement, n:
+	Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
+%
+Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.
+		-- Snoopy
+%
+Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside.
+Her voice was little more than a whisper.
+	"Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
+before I go.  I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
+I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles.  And it was I who
+forced your mistress to leave the city.  And I am the one who reported 
+your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
+	"That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
+whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
+%
+Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
+%
+jogger, n:
+	An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.
+%
+John			Dame May		Oscar
+Was Gay			Was Whitty		Was Wilde
+But Gerard Hopkins	But John Greenleaf	But Thornton
+Was Manley		Was Whittier		Was Wilder
+		-- Willard Espy
+%
+John Birch Society:
+	That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy.
+		-- Edward P. Morgan
+%
+JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!!
+
+(George and Ringo miffed.)
+%
+John the Baptist after poisoning a thief,
+Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief,
+Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief
+Is there a hole for me to get sick in?
+The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly,
+Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry.
+And dropping a barbell he points to the sky,
+Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken.
+		-- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues"
+%
+Johnny Carson's Definition:
+	The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs
+	in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the
+	taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
+%
+Johnson's First Law:
+	When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
+	most inconvenient possible time.
+%
+Johnson's law:
+	Systems resemble the organizations that create them.
+%
+Join in the new game that's sweeping the country.  It's called "Bureaucracy".
+Everybody stands in a circle.  The first person to do anything loses.
+%
+Join the army, see the world, meet interesting,
+exciting people, and kill them.
+%
+Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands,
+meet exciting interesting people, and kill them.
+%
+Jones' First Law:
+	Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
+	endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
+	obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
+	importance of their original contribution.
+%
+Jones' Second Law:
+	The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
+	to blame it on.
+%
+Joshu:	What is the true Way?
+Nansen:	Every way is the true Way.
+J:	Can I study it?
+N:	The more you study, the further from the Way.
+J:	If I don't study it, how can I know it?
+N:	The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen.
+	It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown.  Do
+	not seek it, study it, or name it.  To find yourself on it, open
+	yourself as wide as the sky.
+%
+Journalism is literature in a hurry.
+		-- Matthew Arnold
+%
+Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
+%
+Juall's Law on Nice Guys:
+	Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish.
+	Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!
+%
+Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that
+reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away
+someone else's cash.
+		-- P.G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier"
+%
+Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
+Pick one.
+
+1:	It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
+2:	It's cheaper than going to France.
+3:	It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
+4:	Life is short.
+5:	It's somebody's birthday.  I don't want them to celebrate alone.
+6:	It matches my eyes.
+7:	Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
+8:	To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
+9:	Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
+10:	Strawberry shortcake is evil.  I must help rid the world of it.
+11:	I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
+12:	It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
+%
+Just a song before I go,		Going through security
+To whom it may concern,			I held her for so long.
+Traveling twice the speed of sound	She finally looked at me in love,
+It's easy to get burned.		And she was gone.
+When the shows were over		Just a song before I go,
+We had to get back home,		A lesson to be learned.
+And when we opened up the door		Traveling twice the speed of sound
+I had to be alone.			It's easy to get burned.
+She helped me with my suitcase,
+She stands before my eyes,
+Driving me to the airport
+And to the friendly skies.
+		-- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go"
+%
+Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot
+remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about
+women.
+		-- G.B. Shaw
+%
+Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions
+seldom black or white.  Beware of the solution that requires one side to be
+totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner.  The reason
+there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all
+the facts.  Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is
+not acting from political motivation.  Rather, he is acting from a deep
+sense of respect for the whole truth.
+		-- Stephen R. Schwambach
+%
+Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
+		-- Irene Peter
+%
+Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.
+%
+Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't
+going to get hit.
+		-- Joey
+%
+Just because the message may never be
+received does not mean it is not worth sending.
+%
+Just because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean that they
+are forbidden.  They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see
+what I mean.
+		-- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture.
+%
+Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
+		-- Bob Dylan
+%
+Just because your doctor has a name for your
+condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
+%
+Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
+%
+Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times,
+and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'
+		-- Glynda
+%
+Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
+%
+Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody
+who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth
+about his or her love affairs.
+		-- Rebecca West
+%
+Just machines to make big decisions,
+Programmed by men for compassion and vision,
+We'll be clean when their work is done,
+We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young,
+What a beautiful world this will be,
+What a glorious time to be free.
+		-- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World"
+%
+Just once, I wish we would encounter
+an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.
+		-- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
+%
+Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.
+		-- Buckeroo Banzai
+%
+`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
+	As he landed his crew with care;
+Supporting each man on the top of the tide
+	By a finger entwined in his hair.
+
+`Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it twice:
+	That alone should encourage the crew.
+Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it thrice:
+	What I tell you three times is true.'
+%
+Just to have it is enough.
+%
+Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt
+of all the others, and then do what's best.
+		-- Lovers and Other Strangers
+%
+Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?"
+%
+Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone,
+Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you,
+I went out this morning and I wrote down this song,
+Just can't remember who to send it to...
+
+Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain,
+I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
+I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
+But I always thought that I'd see you again.
+Thought I'd see you one more time again.
+		-- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"
+%
+JUSTICE:
+	A decision in your favor.
+%
+Justice is incidental to law and order.
+		-- J. Edgar Hoover
+%
+Justice, n:
+	A decision in your favor.
+%
+Kafka's Law:
+	In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
+		-- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
+%
+Kamikazes do it once.
+%
+KANSAS:
+	Where the men are men and so are the women!
+%
+Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages:
+
+For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING
+package of snack food.
+
+Gibson the Cat's Corrolary:
+
+For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package
+of lunch meat.
+%
+Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child?
+Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present
+	at the conception.
+		-- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane"
+%
+Katz' Law:
+	Men and nations will act rationally when
+	all other possibilities have been exhausted.
+
+History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
+exhausted all other alternatives.
+		-- Abba Eban
+%
+Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics:
+	Population density is inversely proportional
+	to the square of the distance from the keg.
+%
+Kaufman's Law:
+	A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence
+	of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
+%
+Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
+		-- Mae West
+%
+Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
+%
+Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she
+With silent lips.  Give me your tired, your poor,
+Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
+The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
+Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me...
+		-- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus"
+%
+Keep cool, but don't freeze.
+		-- Hellman's Mayonnaise
+%
+Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
+%
+Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
+%
+Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
+	1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
+	   straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
+	   force is technically termed "car suck").
+	2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
+	   than "Watch this!"
+	3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
+	   proportional to the cost of hitting it.  For instance, a
+	   Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
+	   a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
+	4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
+	   cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
+	   Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
+	   in the head and knock you silly.
+%
+Keep it short for pithy sake.
+%
+Keep on keepin' on.
+%
+Keep patting your enemy on the back until a
+small bullet hole appears between your fingers.
+		-- Joe Bonanno
+%
+Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.
+		-- D. Gries
+%
+Keep the phase, baby.
+%
+Keep up the good work!  But please don't ask me to help.
+%
+Keep women you cannot.  Marry them and they come to hate the way
+you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you
+at the end of six months.
+		-- Moore
+%
+Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
+%
+Keep your Eye on the Ball,
+Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
+Your Nose to the Grindstone,
+Your Feet on the Ground,
+Your Head on your Shoulders.
+Now... try to get something DONE!
+%
+Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
+		-- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+Keep your laws off my body!
+%
+Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
+Open it and you remove all doubt.
+%
+Kennedy's Market Theorem:
+	Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
+	you've got to go broke.
+%
+Kent's Heuristic:
+	Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.
+%
+kern, v:
+	1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear
+	of corn.  2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,
+	metal object used as part of the monetary system.
+%
+KERNEL:
+	A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
+	traditions of sorcery and black art.
+%
+Kettering's Observation:
+	Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
+%
+Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.
+%
+Kids have *never* taken guidance from their parents.  If you could travel
+back in time and observe the original primate family in the original tree,
+you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate teenager for sitting
+around and sulking all day instead of hunting for grubs and berries like
+dad primate.  Then you'd see the primate teenager stomp up to his branch
+and slam the leaves.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+Kill a commy for your mommy.
+%
+Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.
+%
+Kill for the love of killing!  Kill for the love of Kali!
+		-- Hindu saying
+%
+Kill Kill,
+Hate Hate,
+Murder, Maim, and Mutilate!
+%
+Kill your parents.
+		-- Jerry Rubin
+%
+Killing turkeys causes winter.
+%
+Kilroe hic erat!
+%
+Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:
+	Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
+%
+KIN:
+	An affliction of the blood.
+%
+Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.
+		-- Muad'dib
+%
+Kington's Law of Perforation:
+	If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
+	as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest
+	part of the paper.
+%
+Kinkler's First Law:
+	Responsibility always exceeds authority.
+
+Kinkler's Second Law:
+	All the easy problems have been solved.
+%
+Kirk to Enterprise...
+%
+Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
+%
+Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.
+%
+Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
+%
+Kiss me twice.  I'm schizophrenic.
+%
+Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
+%
+Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.
+%
+Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
+%
+Kissing don't last, cookery do.
+		-- George Meredith
+%
+Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and
+sapphire bracelet lasts for ever.
+		-- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
+%
+Kitchen activity is highlighted.
+Butter up a friend.
+%
+Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.
+		-- Winston Churchill
+%
+Klatu barada nikto.
+%
+Kleeneness is next to Godelness.
+%
+Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
+%
+KLEPTOMANIAC:
+	A rich thief.
+%
+Kliban's First Law of Dining:
+	Never eat anything bigger than your head.
+%
+Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!!
+100% Damage to life support!!!!
+%
+Kludge, n:
+	An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a
+	distressing whole.
+		-- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
+%
+Knebel's Law:
+	It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading
+	causes of statistics.
+%
+Knights are hardly worth it.
+I mean, all that shell and so little meat...
+%
+Knock, knock!
+	Who's there?
+Sam and Janet.
+	Sam and Janet who?
+Sam and Janet Evening...
+%
+Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Ether!  (ether who?)  Eather Bunny... Yea!
+[chorus]
+	Yeay!
+	Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side,
+	Stay on the Happy side of life!
+	Bum bum bum bum bum bum
+	You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane,
+	So Stay on the Happy Side of life!
+
+Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Anna!  (anna who?)
+	An another eather bunny... [chorus]
+Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Stilla!  (stilla who?)
+	Still another ether bunny... [chorus]
+Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Yetta!  (yetta who?)
+	Yet another ether bunny... [chorus]
+Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Cargo!  (cargo who?)
+	Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus]
+Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Boo!  (boo who?)
+	Don't Cry!  Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus]
+%
+Knocked, you weren't in.
+		-- Opportunity
+%
+Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?
+
+-- No?
+
+GOOD!
+%
+Know Thy User.
+%
+Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.
+%
+Know what I hate most?  Rhetorical questions.
+		-- Henry N. Camp
+%
+KNOWLEDGE:
+	Things you believe.
+%
+Knowledge is power.
+		-- Francis Bacon
+%
+Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost.
+		-- Aleister Crowley
+%
+Knowledge without common sense is folly.
+%
+Knucklehead:	"Knock, knock"
+Pee Wee:	"Who's there?"
+Knucklehead:	"Little ol' lady."
+Pee Wee:	"Liddle ol' lady who?"
+Knucklehead:	"I didn't know you could yodel"
+%
+Kramer's Law:
+	You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
+%
+Kramer's Law:
+You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
+%
+KROGT:
+	(chemical symbol: Kr) The metallic silver coating found
+	on fast-food game cards.
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+LA:
+	Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed
+	is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation.
+	From mud slides to brush fires.
+%
+Labor, n:
+	One of the processes whereby A acquires property for B.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
+%
+Lack of money is the root of all evil.
+		-- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Lackland's Laws:
+	1. Never be first.
+	2. Never be last.
+	3. Never volunteer for anything.
+%
+LACTOMANGULATION:
+	Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that
+	one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
+%
+Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,
+Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,
+I come before you to stand behind you
+To tell you of something I know nothing about.
+Next Thursday (which is good Friday),
+There will be a convention held in the
+Women's Club which is strictly for Men.
+Admission is free, pay at the door,
+Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
+It was a summer's day in winter,
+And the snow was raining fast,
+As a barefoot boy with shoes on,
+Stood sitting in the grass.
+Oh, that bright day in the dead of night,
+Two dead men got up to fight.
+Three blind men to see fair play,
+Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"!
+Back to back, they faced each other,
+Drew their swords and shot each other.
+A deaf policeman heard the noise,
+Came and arrested those two dead boys.
+%
+Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big
+boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys.  That's
+the hardest shot for the well endowed.  "I've got to hit over them or
+under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan
+to me.  Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with
+her.
+		-- Billie Jean King
+%
+Lady, lady, should you meet
+One whose ways are all discreet,
+One who murmurs that his wife
+Is the lodestar of his life,
+One who keeps assuring you
+That he never was untrue,
+Never loved another one...
+Lady, lady, better run!
+		-- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note"
+%
+Lady Luck brings added income today.
+Lady friend takes it away tonight.
+%
+Lady Nancy Astor:
+	"Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
+Winston Churchill:
+	"Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
+
+Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what
+disguise she would recommend for him.  She replied, "Why don't you come
+sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
+
+	During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
+luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served.  Returning for a second
+helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
+	"Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
+white meat or dark meat."  Churchill apologized profusely.
+	The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from
+her guest of honor.  The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if
+you would pin this on your white meat."
+%
+Ladybug, ladybug,
+Look to your stern!
+Your house is on fire,
+Your children will burn!
+So jump ye and sing, for
+The very first time
+The four lines above
+Have been put into rhyme.
+		-- Walt Kelly
+%
+Laetrile is the pits.
+%
+Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if
+each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves.
+%
+Lake Erie died for your sins.
+%
+((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))
+%
+Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant.  While describing his
+duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee
+table and warned him that he was not to take any.  Some days later, the new
+manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some
+of the candy.  Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the
+candy, and said:
+	"Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?"
+%
+Language is a virus from another planet.
+	-- William Burroughs
+%
+Lank: Here we go.  We're about to set a new record.
+Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
+Lank: We've done it.  Earl has set a new record.  Turned down by
+      20,000 women.
+		-- Lank and Earl
+%
+Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the
+[Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time.  "Oh, sure,
+honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!"  With that
+he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee.
+		-- Richard Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross
+%
+Large increases in cost with questionable increases in
+performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women.
+		-- Lord Kalvin
+%
+Largest Number of Driving Test Failures
+	By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine
+times.  In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and
+twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300.  She set the new record while
+driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield,
+Yorkshire.  Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August
+1970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was
+reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns.
+		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+Larkinson's Law:
+	All laws are basically false.
+%
+LASER:
+	Failed death ray.
+%
+Last guys don't finish nice.
+		-- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs
+%
+Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up
+the pillow was gone.
+		-- Tommy Cooper
+%
+Last night I met upon the stair
+A little man who wasn't there.
+He wasn't there again today.
+Gee how I wish he'd go away!
+%
+Last night the power went out.  Good thing my camera had a flash....
+The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
+		-- Stephen Wright
+%
+Last week a cop stopped me in my car.  He asked me if I had a police record.  
+I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album.    Cops have no sense of humor.
+%
+Last week's pet, this week's special.
+%
+Last year we drove across the country...  We switched on the driving...
+every half mile.  We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip.
+I don't remember what it was.
+		-- Stephen Wright
+%
+Latin is a language,
+As dead as can be.
+First it killed the Romans,
+And now it's killing me.
+%
+Laugh, and the world ignores you.  Crying doesn't help either.
+%
+Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
+%
+Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
+%
+Laugh at your problems:  everybody else does.
+%
+Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
+%
+Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird.
+%
+Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
+		-- Victor Borge
+%
+Laura's Law:
+	No child throws up in the bathroom.
+%
+Lavish spending can be disastrous.
+Don't buy any lavishes for a while.
+%
+Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum
+force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise.
+		-- Richard M. Nixon
+%
+Law of Communications:
+	The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
+	between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
+	area of misunderstanding.
+%
+Law of Continuity:
+	Experiments should be reproducible.
+	They should all fail the same way.
+%
+Law of Probable Dispersal:
+	Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
+%
+Law of Procrastination:
+	Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has
+	the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
+%
+Law of Selective Gravity:
+	An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
+
+Jenning's Corollary:
+	The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side
+	down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
+
+Law of the Perversity of Nature:
+	You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
+%
+Law of the Jungle:
+	He who hesitates is lunch.
+%
+Law of the Yukon:
+	Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
+%
+Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
+		-- Marcus Tullius Cicero
+%
+Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!
+%
+Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
+%
+Laws are like sausages.  It's better not to see them being made.
+		-- Otto von Bismarck
+%
+Laws of Computer Programming:
+	1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
+	2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
+	3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
+	4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
+	5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
+	6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
+	7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
+		the programmer who must maintain it.
+%
+LAWSUIT:
+	A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Lawyer's Rule:
+	When the law is against you, argue the facts.
+	When the facts are against you, argue the law.
+	When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
+%
+Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.
+		-- S.J. Perelman
+%
+Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
+		-- Shakespeare
+%
+Lays eggs inside a paper bag;
+The reason, you will see, no doubt,
+Is to keep the lightning out.
+But what these unobservant birds
+Have failed to notice is that herds
+Of bears may come with buns
+And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.
+%
+Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
+	No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
+	approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
+%
+LAZY:
+	Marrying a pregnant woman.
+%
+Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what
+is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and
+smaller -- and there are many more of them.
+		-- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
+%
+Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.
+%
+Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
+%
+Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
+%
+Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
+%
+LEARNING CURVE:
+	An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants
+	in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the
+	quicker you can do it.
+%
+Learning without thought is labor lost;
+thought without learning is perilous.
+		-- Confucius
+%
+Leave no stone unturned.
+		-- Euripides
+%
+Lee's Law:
+	Mother said there would be days like this,
+	but she never said that there'd be so many!
+%
+Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
+%
+Leibowitz's Rule:
+	When hammering a nail, you will never hit your
+	finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
+%
+Lemma:  All horses are the same color.
+Proof (by induction):
+	Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
+	horses in that set are the same color.
+	Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses.  Pull one of these
+	horses out of the set, so that you have k horses.  Suppose that all
+	of these horses are the same color.  Now put back the horse that you
+	took out, and pull out a different one.  Suppose that all of the k
+	horses now in the set are the same color.  Then the set of k+1 horses
+	are all the same color.  We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all
+	horses are the same color.
+Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
+Proof (by intimidation):
+	Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs.  It
+	is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
+	back.  4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
+	horse to have!  Now the only number that is both even and odd is
+	infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
+	However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
+	infinite number of legs.  Well, that would be a horse of a different
+	color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
+%
+Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.
+%
+Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
+%
+Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast.
+%
+LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22)
+	Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today.
+	Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you.  Be on
+	your toes.  Brush your teeth.  Take Geritol.
+%
+LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
+	You consider yourself a born leader.  Others think you are pushy.
+	Most Leo people are bullies.  You are vain and dislike honest
+	criticism.  Your arrogance is disgusting.  Leo people are thieves.
+%
+LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
+	Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore.  Your
+	ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got
+	a day coming you wouldn't believe.  As a matter of fact, if you can
+	laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor.
+%
+Lesbian QOTD:
+I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation.
+%
+Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
+		-- Publilius Syrus
+%
+Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
+%
+Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
+		-- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
+%
+Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
+number.  Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
+another number.
+					-- James Estes
+%
+Let me not to the marriage of true minds
+Admit impediments.  Love is not love
+Which alters when it alteration finds,
+Or bends with the remover to remove:
+O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
+That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
+It is the star to every wandering bark,
+Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
+Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
+Within his bending sickle's compass come;
+Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
+But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
+If this be error and upon me proved,
+I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
+%
+Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
+%
+Let me take you a button-hole lower.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
+%
+Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are.  On one side, you have
+George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing
+wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval
+of the Republican Right.  For example, they had him make a speech oozing
+praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.)
+Union Leader and Slime Journalist.  Loeb had dumped viciously all over George
+in the 1980 New Hampshire primary.  But when the Right held a big tribute
+for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped
+around his neck.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+Let no guilty man escape.
+		-- U.S. Grant
+%
+Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
+%
+Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
+		-- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)
+%
+Let sleeping dogs lie.
+		-- Charles Dickens
+%
+Let the machine do the dirty work.
+		-- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Ritchie
+%
+Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.
+		-- James Thurber
+%
+Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.
+		-- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania
+%
+Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way
+they can. I'm sick of the job.  It's a thankless one and full of grief.
+		-- Capone
+%
+Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.
+		-- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+Let us go then you and I
+while the night is laid out against the sky
+like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.
+
+"Nice poem Tom.  I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?"
+	-- Ezra
+%
+Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
+The muttering retreats
+Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
+And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
+Streets that follow like a tedious argument
+Of insidious intent
+To lead you to an overwhelming question...
+Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
+		-- T.S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
+%
+Let us live!!!
+Let us love!!!
+Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
+
+You first.
+%
+Let us never negotiate out of fear,
+but let us never fear to negotiate.
+		-- John F. Kennedy
+%
+Let us not look back in anger or forward
+in fear, but around us in awareness.
+		-- James Thurber
+%
+Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
+%
+Let us treat men and women well;
+Treat them as if they were real;
+Perhaps they are.
+		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+Let your conscience be your guide.
+		-- Pope
+%
+L'etat c'est moi.
+[The state, that's me.]
+		-- Louis XIV
+%
+Let's do it.
+		-- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad
+%
+Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
+%
+Let's just be friends and make no special
+effort to ever see each other again.
+%
+Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted.  In every
+relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive.  If you
+really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end.
+For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities
+I most admired in myself I gave up.  I stopped being loud and bossy ...
+Oh, all right.  I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back.
+		-- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
+%
+Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted.  In every
+relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive.  If you
+really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end.
+For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities
+I most admired in myself I gave up.  I stopped being loud and bossy...
+Oh, all right.  I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back."
+		-- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
+%
+Let's love each other slowly,
+reaching for a plane,
+of exquisite pleasure,
+and delicate pain.
+		-- Adam Beslove
+%
+Let's not complicate our relationship
+by trying to communicate with each other.
+%
+Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
+%
+Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.
+		-- Austen Briggs
+%
+Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your
+hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental
+Anguish.  You would sue:
+
+* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
+  section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
+  into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
+  in there".
+
+* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
+  cretin like yourself.
+
+* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
+  case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
+  a large cash settlement anyway.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+LEVERAGE:
+	Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks
+	about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
+%
+Leveraging always beats prototyping.
+%
+Lewis's Law of Travel:
+	The first piece of luggage out of the
+	chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
+%
+L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.  
+		-- L. Pasteur
+%
+LIAR:
+	A lawyer with a roving commission.
+%
+Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth.
+		-- Oliver Herford
+%
+LIBERAL:
+	Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
+%
+Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into
+trouble.  Conservatives are better.  They never run out on you.
+		-- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo
+%
+Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.
+	-- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
+	Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire
+	for filthy lucre and a decent meal.  Be gracious and polite.  Someone
+	is watching you, so stop staring like that.
+%
+LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
+	Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way
+	to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but
+	unfortunately you won't be one of them.  Consider not getting out
+	of bed today.
+%
+LIE:
+	A very poor substitute for the truth,
+	but the only one discovered to date.
+%
+Lieberman's Law:
+	Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
+%
+Lieberman's Law:
+Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, cuz nobody listens.
+%
+Lies!  All lies!  You're all lying against my boys!
+		-- Ma Barker
+%
+LIFE:
+	A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
+%
+LIFE:
+	Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.
+%
+LIFE:
+	That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
+%
+Life -- Love It or Leave It.
+%
+Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
+		-- Miss November, 1966
+%
+Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
+		-- Paul Gauguin
+%
+Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.
+%
+Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth.
+It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.
+%
+Life exists for no known purpose.
+%
+Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society
+being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible
+thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money
+system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex.
+		-- Valerie Solanas
+%
+Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding
+environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a
+round container filled with little red fruits on sticks.
+%
+Life is a concentration camp.  You're stuck here and there's no way
+out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
+		-- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"
+%
+Life is a game.  In order to have a game, something has to be more
+important than something else.  If what already is, is more important
+than what isn't, the game is over.  So, life is a game in which what
+isn't, is more important than what is.  Let the good times roll.
+		-- Werner Erhard
+%
+Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
+%
+Life is a glorious cycle of song,
+A medley of extemporania;
+And love is thing that can never go wrong;
+And I am Marie of Roumania.
+		-- Dorothy Parker, "Comment"
+%
+Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing.
+		-- Helen Keller
+%
+Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.
+%
+Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to
+change his bed.
+		-- Charles Baudelaire
+%
+Life is a series of rude awakenings.
+		-- R.V. Winkle
+%
+Life is a serious burden, which no thinking,
+humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else.
+		-- Clarence Darrow
+%
+Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality.
+%
+Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
+%
+Life is an exciting business, and most
+exciting when it is lived for others.
+%
+Life is both difficult and time consuming.
+%
+Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.
+%
+Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
+%
+Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
+		-- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
+%
+Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
+%
+Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
+%
+Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.
+%
+Life is like a 10 speed bicycle.  Most of us have gears we never use.
+		-- C. Schultz
+%
+"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
+%
+Life is like a diaper - short and loaded.
+%
+Life is like a sewer.
+What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
+		-- Tom Lehrer
+%
+Life is like a tin of sardines.
+We're, all of us, looking for the key.
+		-- Beyond the Fringe
+%
+Life is like an egg stain on your chin --
+you can lick it, but it still won't go away.
+%
+Life is like an onion: you peel it off
+one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
+		-- Carl Sandburg
+%
+Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after
+layer and then you find there is nothing in it.
+		-- James Huneker
+%
+Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was
+going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then
+being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
+%
+Life is like bein' on a mule team.  Unless you're
+the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same.
+%
+Life is not for everyone.
+%
+Life is one long struggle in the dark.
+		-- Titus Lucretius Carus
+%
+Life is the childhood of our immortality.
+		-- Goethe
+%
+Life is the living you do,
+Death is the living you don't do.
+		-- Joseph Pintauro
+%
+Life is the urge to ecstasy.
+%
+Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
+%
+Life is too short to be taken seriously.
+		-- O. Wilde
+%
+Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
+		-- Storm Jameson
+%
+Life is wasted on the living.
+		-- The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe.
+%
+Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
+		-- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"
+%
+Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.
+		-- Don Reed
+%
+Life may have no meaning, or, even worse,
+it may have a meaning of which you disapprove.
+%
+Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
+Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
+		-- Dag Hammarskjold
+%
+Life Sucks.  Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but
+certain not to find her.  Drop me a note.  I'll call you, we'll talk and
+I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can
+afford in a feeble attempt to impress you.  Then we'll realize we have
+absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more
+embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible).
+%
+Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.
+		-- Thomas J. Kopp
+%
+Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
+		-- Sanka Ad
+%
+Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
+	-- Dave Olson
+%
+Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.
+		-- G.B. Shaw
+%
+Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
+%
+Lift every voice and sing
+Till earth and heaven ring,
+Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
+Let our rejoicing rise
+High as the listening skies,
+Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.
+
+Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us.
+Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us.
+Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
+Let us march on till victory is won.
+		-- James Weldon Johnson
+%
+Lighten up, while you still can,
+Don't even try to understand,
+Just find a place to make your stand,
+And take it easy.
+		-- The Eagles, "Take It Easy"
+%
+LIGHTHOUSE:
+	A tall building on the seashore in which the government
+	maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
+%
+LIKE:
+	When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
+%
+Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate
+the difference between one young woman and another.
+		-- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara"
+%
+Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
+shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
+as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
+bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
+she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
+man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
+right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
+		-- Rachel Sheeley, winner
+
+The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
+see her little dog Pritzi again.
+		-- Claudia Fields, runner-up
+
+It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
+tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
+was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
+		-- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up
+
+Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest.  The contest is
+named after the author of the immortal lines:  "It was a dark and stormy
+night."  The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
+worst possible novel.
+%
+Like corn in a field I cut you down,
+I threw the last punch way too hard,
+After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time,
+To throw in my hand for a new set of cards.
+And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend,
+I figured we'd painted too much of this town,
+And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon,
+And I knew then I had lost what should have been found,
+I knew then I had lost what should have been found.
+	And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford
+	I'm as low as a paid assassin is
+	You know I'm cold as a hired sword.
+	I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up,
+	You know I can't think straight no more
+	You make me feel like a bullet, honey,
+		a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford.
+		-- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet"
+%
+Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille
+weren't so damned great!
+		-- Armistead Maupin
+%
+Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be?  And if, y'know,
+if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I?  And if not
+now, like I dunno, maybe like when?  And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe
+like the Rolling Stones?
+		-- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote
+		   attributed to Rabbi Hillel.)
+%
+Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.
+It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches
+over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow
+His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that.  On the
+other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their
+religions.
+		-- Benjamin Spock
+%
+Like punning, programming is a play on words.
+%
+Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct
+a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
+		-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
+%
+Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
+for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
+		-- Alan McKay
+%
+Like the time I ran away...
+And turned around and you were standing close to me.
+		-- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken"
+%
+Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
+%
+Like ya know?  Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the
+creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their
+essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving
+the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting
+rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun.
+		-- Senior Year Quote
+%
+Like you,  I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's
+place in the Scheme of Things.  Here are just a few:
+
+	Q -- Is there life after death?
+	A -- Definitely.  I speak from personal experience here.  On New
+Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian",
+then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
+fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have
+spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful
+headache.  Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back
+to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead.  I
+guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long
+as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions,
+wins few friends, Germans excepted.
+		-- Darwin Porter "Scandinavia On $50 A Day"
+%
+Limericks are art forms complex,
+Their topics run chiefly to sex.
+	They usually have virgins,
+	And masculine urgin's,
+And other erotic effects.
+%
+"Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!"
+Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged.
+
+Until he died, and so reached that vicinity:
+in it he found that the damned things diverged.
+		-- Piet Hein
+%
+Linus:	Hi!  I thought it was you.
+	I've been watching you from way off...  You're looking great!
+Snoopy:	That's nice to know.
+	The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
+%
+Linus:	I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.
+	Maybe we should think only about today.
+Charlie Brown:
+	No, that's giving up.  I'm still hoping that yesterday
+	will get better.
+%
+Linus:	I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.  Maybe
+	we should think only about today.
+Charlie Brown:
+	No, that's giving up.  I'm still hoping that yesterday will get
+	better.
+%
+Linus' Law:
+	There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
+%
+Lions in the street and roaming,
+Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming,
+A beast caged in the heart of the city.
+The body of his mother lying in the summer ground,
+He fled the town.
+Went down south across the border,
+Left the chaos and disorder
+Back there, over his shoulder.
+One morning he awoke in a green hotel,
+A strange creature groaning beside him.
+Sweat oozed from its shiny skin.
+Is everybody in?  The ceremony is about to begin.
+		-- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard"
+%
+LISP:
+	To call a spade a thpade.
+%
+Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
+Lisp Machine is Fun.
+Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
+Fun for everyone.
+%
+Lisp Users:
+Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.
+%
+Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out
+the right thing to do.  Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing,
+but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the
+right thing to do and what is the right way to do it.  That is the problem.
+But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of
+bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President.
+This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects
+their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing
+that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously
+just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even
+a panacea so alleged.
+		-- D.D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the government
+		been lacking in courage and boldness in facing up to
+		the recession?"
+%
+Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children.
+Life is the other way around.
+		-- David Lodge
+%
+Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life
+is the other way round.
+		-- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down"
+%
+Littering is dumb.
+		-- Ronald Macdonald
+%
+Little Fly,
+Thy summer's play		If thought is life
+My thoughtless hand		And strength & breath,
+Has brush'd away.		And the want
+				Of thought is death,
+Am not I
+A fly like thee?		Then am I
+Or art not thou			A happy fly
+A man like me?			If I live
+				Or if I die.
+
+For I dance
+And drink & sing,
+Till some blind hand
+Shall brush my wing.
+		-- William Blake, "The Fly"
+%
+Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
+		-- Lazarus Long
+%
+Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very
+sophisticated computer network!  It was a Tolkein Ring...
+%
+Little Known Facts, #23:
+	Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get
+	the BMW repair garage?
+%
+Little Mary on the ice,
+Went out to have a frisk,
+Now wasn't little Mary nice,
+Her pretty *?
+%
+Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!
+		-- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")
+%
+Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
+		-- James Dean
+%
+Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night!
+%
+Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
+%
+Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
+published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.
+		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+%
+Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
+		-- Josh Billings
+%
+Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from.  And when
+you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee.
+		-- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial
+%
+Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola.
+What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits.
+%
+Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.
+What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes.
+%
+Living in New York City gives people real incentives
+to want things that nobody else wants.
+		-- Andy Warhol
+%
+Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat
+like having bees live in your head.  But, there they are.
+%
+Living on Earth may be expensive, but it
+includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
+%
+LIVING YOUR LIFE:
+	A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
+%
+Lizzie Borden took an axe,
+And plunged it deep into the VAX;
+Don't you envy people who
+Do all the things YOU want to do?
+%
+Lo!  Men have become the tool of their tools.
+		-- Henry David Thoreau
+%
+Lobster:
+	Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are
+squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only
+proper method of preparing them.  Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
+guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're cooked.
+The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on the sea
+floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs.  Grasp the lobster
+behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say,
+"Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a
+scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural
+apparatus you call a memory!"  The lobster will squirm noticeably.  It may
+even take a swipe at you with one of its claws.  Incorrigible.  Pop it into
+the pot.  Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will
+be, too.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+Lobster:
+  Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish
+  about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper
+  method of preparing them.  Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
+  guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're
+  cooked.  The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on
+  the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs.  Grasp the
+  lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty
+  eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then
+  flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will
+  refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!"  The lobster will
+  squirm noticeably.  It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws.
+  Incorrigible.  Pop it into the pot.  Justice has been served, and shortly
+  you and your friends will be, too.
+		-- Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances and Utensils
+                   into Excuses and Apologies
+%
+Lockwood's Long Shot:
+	The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street
+	aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.
+%
+Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
+		-- Marvin Minsky
+%
+Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL.
+%
+Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.
+%
+Logic is a systematic method of coming
+to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
+%
+Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
+%
+Logicians have but ill defined
+As rational the human kind.
+Logic, they say, belongs to man,
+But let them prove it if they can.
+		-- Oliver Goldsmith
+%
+LOGO for the Dead
+
+LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from
+"The Other Side."
+
+The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you
+turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board.  Then, using Logo's
+graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this
+side of the Great Beyond to write programs.  The software requires that
+your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then
+interfaced to your computer.  A special terminal (very terminal) program
+lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic
+Bulletin Board System).
+
+LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate
+from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101.
+		-- '80 Microcomputing
+%
+Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
+%
+Lonely is a man without love.
+		-- Englebert Humperdinck
+%
+Lonely men seek companionship.
+Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.
+%
+Lonesome?
+
+Like a change?
+Like a new job?
+Like excitement?
+Like to meet new and interesting people?
+
+JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!
+%
+Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency
+be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum.
+The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.
+		-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
+%
+Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
+%
+Long life is in store for you.
+%
+Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and
+long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his
+pain and his aloneness without regret?
+		-- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"
+%
+Look!  Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.
+%
+Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
+%
+Look at it this way:
+Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
+home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.
+And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
+%
+Look at it this way:
+Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to
+forget $26,000 of college education.
+And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
+%
+Look before you leap.
+		-- Samuel Butler
+%
+Look ere ye leap.
+		-- John Heywood
+%
+Look out!  Behind you!
+%
+Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,
+con-men.  That's the way businesses get started.  That's the way this
+country was built.
+		-- Hubert Allen
+%
+Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...
+		-- Stephen Sondheim
+%
+Loose bits sink chips.
+%
+Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.
+		-- Charles D'Hericault
+%
+Lord, what fools these mortals be!
+		-- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
+%
+Losing your drivers' license is just
+God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
+%
+Lost: gray and white female cat.
+Answers to electric can opener.
+%
+Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
+%
+Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
+		-- Frank Hubbard
+%
+Lots of girls can be had for a song.  
+Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march.
+%
+Louie Louie, me gotta go
+Louie Louie, me gotta go
+
+Fine little girl she waits for me
+Me catch the ship for cross the sea
+Me sail the ship all alone		Three nights and days me sail the sea
+Me never thinks me make it home		Me think of girl constantly
+(chorus)				On the ship I dream she there
+					I smell the rose in her hair
+Me see Jamaica moon above		(chorus, guitar solo)
+It won't be long, me see my love
+I take her in my arms and then
+Me tell her I never leave again
+		-- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie"
+%
+Louie, Louie, me gotta go
+Louie, Louie, me gotta go
+
+Fine little girl she waits for me
+Me catch the ship for cross the sea
+Me sail the ship all alone
+Me never thinks me make it home
+	[chorus]
+
+Three nights and days me sail the sea
+Me think of girl constantly
+On the ship I dream she there
+I smell the rose in her hair
+	[chorus; guitar solo]
+
+Me see Jamaica moon above
+It won't be long, me see my love
+I take her in my arms and then
+Me tell her I never leave again
+		-- the real words to "Louie Louie"
+%
+LOVE:
+	I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
+%
+LOVE:
+	Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.
+%
+LOVE:
+	When, if asked to choose between your lover
+	and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
+%
+LOVE:
+	When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.
+%
+LOVE:
+	When you don't want someone too close--
+	because you're very sensitive to pleasure.
+%
+LOVE:
+	When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.
+%
+Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.
+%
+Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled.
+%
+Love America - or give it back.
+%
+Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
+%
+Love at first sight is one of the greatest
+labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.
+%
+Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
+		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
+%
+Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
+Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
+		-- Oscar Hammerstein II
+%
+Love is a grave mental disease.
+		-- Plato
+%
+Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
+		-- Matt Groening
+%
+Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips
+over, pinning you underneath.  At night the ice weasels come.
+		-- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell"
+%
+Love is a word that is constantly heard,
+Hate is a word that is not.
+Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
+Love, I have read, is hot.
+But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
+And Love but a drug on the mart.
+Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
+But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+Love is always open arms.  With arms open you allow love to come and
+go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway.  If you close your
+arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
+%
+Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real
+with the ideal never goes unpunished.
+		-- Goethe
+%
+Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the
+real with the ideal never goes unpunished.
+		-- Goethe
+%
+Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
+		-- Dr. Karl Bowman
+%
+Love is being stupid together.
+		-- Paul Valery
+%
+Love is dope, not chicken soup.  I mean, love is something to be passed
+around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a
+Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself.
+%
+Love is in the offing.
+		-- The Homicidal Maniac
+%
+Love is in the offing.  Be affectionate to one who adores you.
+%
+Love is like a friendship caught on fire.  In the beginning a flame, very
+pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering.  As love
+grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning
+and unquenchable.
+		-- Bruce Lee
+%
+Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
+		-- Jerome K. Jerome
+%
+Love is never asking why?
+%
+Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
+%
+Love is sentimental measles.
+%
+Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
+%
+Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex
+raises some pretty good questions.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
+		-- H.L. Mencken
+%
+Love is the desire to prostitute oneself.  There is, indeed, no exalted
+pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution.
+		-- Charles Baudelaire
+%
+Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
+		-- M. Hirschfield
+%
+Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.
+		-- Saint Exupery
+%
+Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
+		-- H.L. Mencken
+%
+Love IS what it's cracked up to be.
+%
+Love is what you've been through with somebody.
+		-- James Thurber
+%
+Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.
+%
+Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles.
+		-- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps"
+%
+Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular
+momentum.
+%
+Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.
+		-- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise"
+%
+Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
+%
+Love means never having to say you're sorry.
+		-- Eric Segal, "Love Story"
+
+That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
+		-- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?"
+%
+Love means nothing to a tennis player.
+%
+Love tells us many things that are not so.
+		-- Krainian Proverb
+%
+Love the sea?  I dote upon it -- from the beach.
+%
+Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
+		-- Louise Beal
+%
+Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano.
+%
+Love to eat them mousies,
+Mousies I love to eat.
+Bite they little heads off,
+Nibble at they tiny feet.
+		-- Kliban
+%
+Love to eat them mousies,
+Mousies what I love to eat.
+Bite they little heads off,
+Nibble on they tiny feet.
+		-- Kliban
+%
+Love to eat them mousies;
+Mousies what I love to eat.
+Bite they tiny heads off,
+Nibble on they tiny feet!
+		-- Kilban
+%
+Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
+	seized this one for the fair form
+	that was taken from me-and the way of it afficts me still.
+Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
+	seized me so strongly with delight in him,
+	that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
+Love brought us to one death.
+		-- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06
+%
+Love your enemies:  they'll go crazy
+trying to figure out what you're up to.
+%
+Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge.
+		-- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+Lowery's Law:
+	If it jams -- force it.  If it
+	breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
+%
+LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
+%
+Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
+	There's always one more bug.
+%
+Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable
+British automotive electrical systems.  Professionals call the company "The
+Prince of Darkness".  Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture
+nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground.  The British
+don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do.  The British drink warm
+beer because they have Lucas refrigerators.
+%
+Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.
+		-- Russell Banks
+%
+Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.
+		-- P.E. Trudeau
+%
+Lucky, adj:
+	When you have a wife and a cigarette
+	lighter -- both of which work.
+%
+Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
+%
+Lucy:	Dance, dance, dance.  That is all you ever do.
+	Can't you be serious for once?
+Snoopy: She is right!  I think I had better think
+	of the more important things in life!
+	(pause)
+	Tomorrow!!
+%
+Luke, I'm yer father, eh.  Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
+		-- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
+%
+LUNATIC ASYLUM:
+	The place where optimism most flourishes.
+%
+Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.
+		-- Bergan Evans
+%
+Lysistrata had a good idea.
+%
+Ma Bell is a mean mother!
+%
+MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator?  Never heard of that.
+%
+"Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years."
+"What about X?"
+"I said `intellectual'."
+		;login, 9/1990
+%
+Machine-independent program:
+	A program that will not run on any machine.
+%
+Machines have less problems.  I'd like to be a machine.
+		-- Andy Warhol
+%
+Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the
+repairman arrives.
+%
+macho, adj.:
+	Jogging home from your vasectomy.
+%
+Macho does not prove mucho.
+		-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
+%
+MAD:
+	Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
+%
+Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child --
+if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
+		-- W.C. Fields
+%
+Madison's Inquiry:
+	If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
+%
+Madness takes its toll.
+%
+Magary's Principle:
+	When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any
+	government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do
+	the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
+%
+Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.
+%
+Magnet, n.:  Something acted upon by magnetism.
+
+Magnetism, n.:  Something acting upon a magnet.
+
+The two preceding definitions are condensed from the works of one
+thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a
+great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge.
+%
+MAGNOCARTIC:
+	Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts.
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+magnocartic, adj:
+	Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
+	carts.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+MAGPIE:
+	A bird whose thievish disposition suggested
+	to someone that it might be taught to talk.
+		-- A. Bierce
+%
+MAIDEN AUNT:
+	A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle."
+%
+Maiden, n:
+	A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and
+	views that madden to crime.  The genus has a wide geographical
+	distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found.
+	The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her
+	piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to
+	comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
+	the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the
+	canary -- which, also, is more portable.
+
+Male, n:
+	A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex.  The male of the
+	human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man.  The genus
+	has two varieties:  good providers and bad providers.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Maier's Law:
+	If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
+		-- N.R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960
+
+Corollaries:
+	1.  The bigger the theory, the better.
+	2.  The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
+	    50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
+	    obtain a correspondence with the theory.
+%
+Main's Law:
+	For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
+%
+Maintainer's Motto:
+	If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
+%
+Maj. Bloodnok:	Seagoon, you're a coward!
+Seagoon:	Only in the holiday season.
+Maj. Bloodnok:	Ah, another Noel Coward!
+%
+Major premise:
+	Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man.
+Minor premise:
+	A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
+Conclusion:
+	Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
+
+Secondary Conclusion:
+	Do you realize how many holes there would be if people
+	would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
+%
+Majorities, of course, start with minorities.
+		-- Robert Moses
+%
+MAJORITY:
+	That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
+%
+Make a wish, it might come true.
+%
+Make headway at work.  Continue to let things deteriorate at home.
+%
+Make it right before you make it faster.
+%
+Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.
+		-- Daniel Hudson Burnham
+%
+Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
+%
+Make war not sex.  (It's safer.)
+%
+Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system.  Therefore, users
+tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space.  It has
+been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the
+message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
+		-- System V.2 administrator's guide
+%
+Malek's Law:
+	Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
+%
+MALPRACTICE:
+	The reason surgeons wear masks.
+%
+MAN:
+	An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he
+	is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.  His chief
+	occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
+	which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
+	the whole habitable earth and Canada.
+		-- A. Bierce
+%
+Man and wife make one fool.
+%
+Man belongs wherever he wants to go.
+		-- Wernher von Braun
+%
+Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because
+he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while
+all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good
+time.  But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were
+far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
+		-- D. Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.
+		-- Fred Allen
+%
+Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.
+%
+Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
+		-- Lily Tomlin
+%
+Man is a military animal,
+Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.
+		-- P.J. Bailey
+%
+Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon
+to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he
+is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--
+no dog exchanges bones with another.
+		-- Adam Smith
+%
+Man is by nature a political animal.
+		-- Aristotle
+%
+Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...
+and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
+		-- Wernher von Braun
+%
+Man is the measure of all things.
+		-- Protagoras
+%
+Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms
+with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
+		-- Samuel Butler, 1835-1902
+%
+Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps;
+for he is the only animal that is struck with the
+difference between what things are and what they ought to be.
+		-- William Hazlitt
+%
+Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.
+		-- Arthur R. Miller
+%
+Man proposes, God disposes.
+		-- Thomas a Kempis
+%
+Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else --
+unless it is an enemy.
+		-- A. Einstein
+%
+Man who arrives at party two hours late
+will find he has been beaten to the punch.
+%
+Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
+%
+Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
+%
+Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey.
+%
+Man will never fly.
+Space travel is merely a dream.
+All aspirin is alike.
+%
+Management:	How many feet do mice have?
+Reply:		Mice have four feet.
+M:	Elaborate!
+R:	Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
+M:	No discussion of fifth appendage!
+R:	Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
+M:	What?  Feet with no legs?
+R:	Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
+M:	Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
+R:	Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
+M:	Does not fully discuss the issue!
+R:	Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail.  Each leg
+	is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail
+	is not equipped with a foot.
+M:	Descriptive?  Yes.  Forceful NO!
+R:	Allotment of appendages for mice will be:  Four foot-leg assemblies,
+	one tail.  Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would
+	constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
+M:	Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
+R:	Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
+	integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system.  Also
+	attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
+	ornamental in nature.
+M:	Too verbose/scientific.  Answer the question!
+R:	Mice have four feet.
+%
+MANAGEMENT:
+	The art of getting other people to do all the work.
+%
+MANAGER:
+	A man known for giving great meeting.
+%
+man-hour, n:
+	A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings.
+%
+MANIC-DEPRESSIVE:
+	Easy glum, easy glow.
+%
+Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.
+		-- Plotinus
+%
+Manly's Maxim:
+	Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
+	with confidence.
+%
+Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
+%
+Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?
+%
+Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual
+conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in.
+		-- Sydney J. Harris
+%
+manual, n:
+	A unit of documentation.  There are always three or more on a given
+	item.  One is on the shelf; someone has the others.  The information
+	you need in in the others.
+		-- Ray Simard
+%
+Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.
+		-- George M. Cohan
+%
+Many a family tree needs trimming.
+%
+Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so.  It
+is not so.  It is so.  It is not so.
+		-- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack"
+%
+Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will
+get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
+		-- Finley Peter Dunne
+%
+Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer
+can easily support two or more.
+%
+Many a writer seems to thing he is never profound
+except when he can't understand his own meaning.
+		-- George D. Prentice
+%
+Many are called, few are chosen.
+Fewer still get to do the choosing.
+%
+Many are called, few volunteer.
+%
+Many are cold, but few are frozen.
+%
+Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
+%
+Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a
+certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the
+devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of
+their data processing systems.
+		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
+%
+Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher.  The butcher is
+weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
+weeks.  He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
+but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
+he thinks about his dog.  The dog is named Herbert.
+		-- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
+%
+Many hands make light work.
+		-- John Heywood
+%
+Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.
+%
+Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured.  For instance,
+the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their
+fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the
+Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally
+read.  [...]  The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time
+by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute.  They
+are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers
+successively.  The counting is reserved for the fidgets.  These observations
+should be confined to persons of middle age.  Children are rarely still,
+while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether.
+		-- Francis Galton, 1909
+%
+Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing
+tricks on me and treating me badly.
+		-- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur
+%
+Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their
+life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.
+		-- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981
+%
+Many pages make a thick book.
+%
+Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
+very thin paper.
+%
+Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice
+which will recommend that they do what they want to do.
+%
+Many people are secretly interested in life.
+%
+Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
+%
+Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
+%
+Many people feel that if you won't let
+them make you happy, they'll make you suffer.
+%
+Many people feel that they deserve some kind of
+recognition for all the bad things they haven't done.
+%
+Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.
+%
+Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
+%
+Many receive advice, few profit by it.
+		-- Publilius Syrus
+%
+Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
+there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
+was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
+completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....
+		-- Walt Kelly
+%
+Margaret, are you grieving
+Over Goldengrove unleaving?
+Leaves, like the things of man,
+You, with your fresh thoughts
+Care for, can you?
+Ah! as the heart grows older
+It will come to such sights colder
+By and by, nor spare a sigh
+Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie
+And yet you will weep and know why.
+Now no matter, child, the name
+Sorrow's springs are the same:
+It is the blight man was born for,
+It is Margaret you mourn for.
+		-- Gerard Manley Hopkins.
+%
+Marigold:		Jealousy
+Mint:			Virute
+Orange blossom:		Your purity equals your loveliness
+Orchid:			Beauty, magnificence
+Pansy:			Thoughts
+Peach blossom:		I am your captive
+Petunia:		Your presence soothes me
+Poppy:			Sleep
+Rose, any color:	Love
+Rose, deep red:		Bashful shame
+Rose, single, pink:	Simplicity
+Rose, thornless, any:	Early attachment
+Rose, white:		I am worthy of you
+Rose, yellow:		Decrease of love, rise of jealousy
+Rosebud, white:		Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love
+Rosemary:		Rememberance
+Sunflower:		Haughtiness
+Tulip, red:		Declaration of love
+Tulip, yellow:		Hopeless love
+Violet, blue:		Faithfulness
+Violet, white:		Modesty
+Zinnia:			Thoughts of absent friends
+	* An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
+%
+Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!".
+%
+Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students
+who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize
+it in order to protect themselves.
+		-- Lenny Bruce
+%
+Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
+	Dentists are incapable of asking questions
+	that require a simple yes or no answer.
+%
+MARRIAGE:
+	An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply
+	in love and desiring to make a committment to each other expressing
+	that love.  In short, committment to an institution.
+%
+MARRIAGE:
+	Convertible bonds.
+%
+Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of
+insincerity possible between two human beings.
+		-- Vicki Baum
+%
+Marriage causes dating problems.
+%
+Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.
+		-- Edmond About
+%
+Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
+%
+Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm
+not ready for an institution yet.
+		-- Mae West
+%
+Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be
+surprised at the large number that re-enlist.
+		-- James Garner
+%
+Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
+%
+Marriage is a three ring circus:
+engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
+		-- Roger Price
+%
+Marriage is an institution in which two undertake
+to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing.
+%
+Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer
+exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work
+in the brewery.
+		-- George Jean Nathan
+%
+Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
+%
+Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with
+chopsticks.  It looks easy until you try it.
+%
+Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
+		-- Baskins
+%
+Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing the
+burden of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place.
+		-- Calvin Trillin
+%
+Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
+		-- Voltaire
+%
+Marriage is the process of finding out what
+kind of man your wife would have preferred.
+%
+Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.
+%
+Marriage, n:
+	The evil aye.
+%
+Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
+		-- John Lyly
+%
+Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months.
+%
+MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives
+connected by a thin strand.
+
+Come on, Marta, grow up.
+		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most
+of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
+territory from invasion by another group."
+
+"Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh.  Girls are funny.
+		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+Martin was probably ripping them off.  That's some family, isn't it?
+Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software.
+		-- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues"
+%
+'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
+		-- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Marvelous!  The super-user's going to boot me!
+What a finely tuned response to the situation!
+%
+Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,
+and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged
+Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend
+grasshopper.  Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
+	"Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased.  "They've
+named a drink Fred?"
+%
+Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth:
+	Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
+%
+Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
+And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
+It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail.
+It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail.
+She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels,
+And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals.
+It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended.
+The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended.
+The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat,
+Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat.
+Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her.
+So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer.
+		-- Alma Garcia
+%
+Maryann's Law:
+	You can always find what you're not looking for.
+%
+Maslow's Maxim:
+	If the only tool you have is a hammer,
+	you treat everything like a nail.
+%
+Mason's First Law of Synergism:
+The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
+%
+Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
+%
+Masturbation is the thinking man's television.
+	-- Christopher Hampton
+%
+Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
+		-- Monty Python
+%
+Mater artium necessitas.
+	[Necessity is the mother of invention].
+%
+Maternity pay?	Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
+		-- Malcolm Smith
+%
+MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX!
+	Please, don't drink and derive.
+
+	Mathematicians
+	Against
+	Drunk
+	Deriving
+%
+Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
+		-- R. Drabek
+%
+mathematician, n:
+	Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's.
+%
+Mathematicians are like Frenchmen:  whatever you say to them they
+translate into their own language and forthwith it is something
+entirely different.
+		-- Goethe
+%
+Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate
+into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different.
+		-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
+%
+Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
+		-- Henry Adams
+%
+Mathematicians take it to the limit.
+%
+Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts
+to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.
+		-- Albert Einstein
+%
+Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what 
+one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.
+		-- Russell
+%
+Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty --
+a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any
+part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music,
+yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the
+greatest art can show.  The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense
+of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is
+to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry.
+		-- Bertrand Russell
+%
+Matrimony is the root of all evil.
+%
+Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
+%
+Matter cannot be created or destroyed,
+nor can it be returned without a receipt.
+%
+Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
+%
+[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment
+where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand
+more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
+		-- S. Kierkegaard
+%
+Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
+		-- Jules Feiffer
+%
+Matz's Law:
+	A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
+%
+May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard
+versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.
+%
+May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
+%
+May all your PUSHes be POPped.
+%
+May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
+%
+May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
+%
+May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
+%
+May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may
+God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may
+he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
+%
+May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
+%
+May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
+%
+May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
+%
+May you have warm words on a cold evening,
+a full mooon on a dark night,
+and a smooth road all the way to your door.
+%
+May you live in uninteresting times.
+		-- Chinese proverb
+%
+May your camel be as swift as the wind.
+%
+May your SO always know when you need a hug.
+%
+May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your
+Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.
+%
+Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that
+lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.
+		-- Will Rogers
+%
+Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
+		-- R.S. Barton
+%
+Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the
+earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.
+		-- Lazarus Long
+%
+"Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes."
+%
+"Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each
+other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone
+had to seek professional help."
+%
+Maybe you can't buy happiness, but
+these days you can certainly charge it.
+%
+May's Law:
+	The quality of correlation is inversly proportional to the density
+	of control.  (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
+%
+McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
+%
+McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:
+	When traveling with a herd of elephants,
+	don't be the first to lie down and rest.
+%
+Meader's Law:
+	Whatever happens to you, it will previously
+	have happened to everyone you know, only more so.
+%
+Meade's Maxim:
+Always remember that you are absolutely unique,
+just like everyone else.
+%
+Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen;
+Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht.
+[D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl,
+AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd.
+[P]hud!  Bashe!  Crasch!  Beoom!  [D]e bigge gye
+Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe;
+Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse.
+Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle.
+Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes;
+Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?"
+Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp
+Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe.
+"Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete."
+Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson
+Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen.
+Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar,
+Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu."
+Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng.
+%
+Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one
+has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine
+moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging
+magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen.  Fortunately, they seem to
+have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may
+get to go home.  However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem
+of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaniful
+oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to
+hang above the machine room.  This totem must be blessed by the old and wise
+venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc
+bus drive him to bitter revenge.  Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen
+aren't destroyed,  there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the
+arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable
+of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof
+to mouth...
+%
+Measure twice, cut once.
+%
+Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
+%
+Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.
+		-- Frederick Crane
+%
+Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
+%
+Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
+%
+Meeting:
+	An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide what
+	person or department not represented in the room must solve the
+	problem.
+%
+meeting, n:
+	An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
+	department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
+%
+MEETINGS:
+	A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
+%
+Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that
+corporations and other large organizations habitually engage
+in only becuase they cannot actually masturbate.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+MEMO:
+	An interoffice communication too often written more for
+	the benefit of the person who sends it than the person
+	who receives it.
+%
+MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me.  I
+remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and
+drive and drive.
+
+I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The
+smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
+played.  I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad."  We'd eat
+some stuff or not and then I think we went home.
+
+I guess some things never leave you.
+		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+Memory fault -- brain fried
+%
+Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
+%
+Memory fault - where am I?
+%
+Memory should be the starting point of the present.
+%
+Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
+		-- Marilyn Monroe
+%
+Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice
+hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy.  But you should
+never buy them clothes.  Men believe they already have all the clothes they
+will ever need, and new ones make them nervous.  For example, your average
+man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them.  He has learned,
+through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81
+ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT
+tie with that suit, are you?").  So he has narrowed it down to three safe
+ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at.  If you give him
+a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
+	If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires.  More
+than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
+of tires.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+Men are superior to women.
+	-- The Koran
+%
+Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
+		-- Jayne Mansfield
+%
+Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.
+They're attracted by what I don't mind...
+		-- Gypsy Rose Lee
+%
+Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
+		-- Julius Caesar
+%
+Men have a much better time of it than women; for one
+thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
+		-- H.L. Mencken
+%
+Men have as exaggerated an idea of their
+rights as women have of their wrongs.
+		-- E.W. Howe
+%
+Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
+%
+Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
+%
+Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
+pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
+		-- Winston Churchill
+%
+Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.
+		-- Leonardo da Vinci
+%
+Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.
+%
+Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or
+at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.
+%
+Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our
+pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs
+and tears.  ...  It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious,
+inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us
+sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness
+and acts that are contrary to habit...
+		-- Hippocrates "The Sacred Disease"
+%
+Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
+		-- DeSegur
+%
+Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
+%
+Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
+%
+Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities.
+		-- Napoleon Bonaparte
+%
+Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings,
+and speech only to conceal their thoughts.
+		-- Voltaire
+%
+Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
+from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.
+Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split
+before.  Thus was the Empire forged.
+		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+Men who cherish for women the highest
+respect are seldom popular with them.
+		-- Joseph Addison
+%
+Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
+	All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
+
+Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
+	The quality of a champagne is judged by the
+	amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped.
+
+Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
+	The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
+
+Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
+	Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
+	is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
+	can ever hope to acquire it.
+%
+Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen.
+%
+Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to
+corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in
+favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.
+		-- Piers Anthony
+%
+Mental things which have not gone in through the
+senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental.
+		-- Leonardo
+%
+MENU:
+	A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
+%
+Meskimen's Law:
+	There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
+	do it over.
+%
+Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...
+%
+Message will arrive in the mail.
+Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
+%
+METEOROLOGIST:
+	One who doubts the established fact that it is
+	bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
+%
+Metermaids eat their young.
+%
+Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
+%
+MICRO:
+	Thinker toys.
+%
+Micro Credo:
+	Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
+%
+Microbiology Lab:  Staph Only!
+%
+Microwaves frizz your heir.
+%
+Mieux vaut tard que jamais!
+%
+Might as well be frank, monsieur.  It would take a miracle to
+get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
+		-- Casablanca
+%
+Miksch's Law:
+	If a string has one end, then it has another end.
+%
+Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either.
+%
+Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+Miller's Slogan:
+	Lose a few, lose a few.
+%
+millihelen, adj:
+	The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
+%
+Millions long for immortality who do not know what
+to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
+		-- Susan Ertz
+%
+Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is
+almost always the choice of the lesser evil.  "Tweedledum and Tweedledee,"
+they say.  "I will not vote."  Having abstained, they are presented with a
+President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their
+lives for the next four years.  Consider all the people who sat home in a
+stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey.  They showed Humphrey.
+Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the
+Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among
+the gold and the black.
+		-- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
+%
+Mind!  I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
+particularly dead about a door-nail.  I might have been inclined, myself,
+to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
+But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
+shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for.  You will therefore permit
+me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
+%
+"Mind if I smoke?"
+	"I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
+%
+"Mind if I smoke?"
+	"Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"
+%
+Mind your own business, Spock.
+I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
+%
+Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine.
+%
+Minicomputer:
+	A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level
+	manager.
+%
+Minnesota --
+	home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
+	mosquito supplier to the free world.
+	come fall in love with a loon.
+	where visitors turn blue with envy.
+	one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
+	land of many cultures -- mostly throat.
+	where the elite meet sleet.
+	glove it or leave it.
+	many are cold, but few are frozen.
+	land of the ski and home of the crazed.
+	land of 10,000 Petersons.
+%
+Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
+%
+MIPS:
+	Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed
+%
+Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
+	-- Jean Cocteau
+%
+Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
+%
+Misery no longer loves company.
+Nowadays it insists on it.
+		-- Russell Baker
+%
+MISFORTUNE:
+	The kind of fortune that never misses.
+%
+Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.
+%
+MISS:
+	A title with which we brand unmarried
+	women to indicate that they are in the market.
+%
+Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to utter failure.
+%
+Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.
+%
+MIT:
+	The Georgia Tech of the North
+%
+Mitchell's Law of Committees:
+	Any simple problem can be made insoluble
+	if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
+%
+mittsquinter, adj:
+	A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as
+	if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans;
+it's lovely to be silly at the right moment.
+		-- Horace
+%
+mixed emotions:
+	Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff.
+	With five empty seats.
+%
+Mix's Law:
+	There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
+	There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
+%
+Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
+%
+MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
+
+  Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie	36 RITZ Crackers
+2 cups water				 2 cups sugar
+2 teaspoons cream of tartar		 2 tablespoons lemon juice
+  Grated rind of one lemon		   Butter or margarine
+  Cinnamon
+
+Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate.  Break
+RITZ Crackers coarsley into pastry-lined plate.  Combine water, sugar
+and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes.  Add lemon
+juice and rind.  Cool.  Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
+with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon.  Cover with top
+crust.  Trim and flute edges together.  Cut slits in top crust to let
+steam escape.  Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
+is crisp and golden.  Serve warm.  Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
+		-- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
+%
+Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.
+		-- P.J. Denning
+%
+modem, adj:
+	Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie."  An
+	unfortunate byproduct of kerning.
+%
+Moderation in all things.
+		-- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]
+%
+Moderation is a fatal thing.  Nothing succeeds like excess.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade
+themselves that they have a better idea.
+		-- John Ciardi
+%
+Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
+%
+Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural
+function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the
+other.  There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the
+brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise.
+Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite
+conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected.  But it
+is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working
+assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it.
+Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble.  One cannot
+logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.
+		-- D.O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior: A Neuropsychological
+		   Theory", 1949
+%
+MODESTY:
+	Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
+%
+Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
+		-- J.K. Galbraith
+%
+Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending
+	not to be aware of it.
+		-- Oliver Herford
+%
+Moe:	Wanna play poker tonight?
+Joe:	I can't. It's the kids' night out.
+Moe:	So?
+Joe:	I gotta stay home with the nurse.
+%
+Moe:	What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?
+Joe:	The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
+%
+Moebius always does it on the same side.
+%
+Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly.  An aide once asked him
+how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week.
+The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.
+%
+Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet
+in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a
+hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of
+the world.  Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane,
+but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him.
+So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all
+over the muscular giant siting beside him.  Fortunately, at least for Moishe,
+the man was sound asleep.  But now the little man had another problem.  How in
+the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he
+awakened?  The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally
+woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion.
+	"Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously.
+%
+MOLECULE:
+	The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.  It is distinguished from
+	the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
+	closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
+	of matter...  The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and
+	the atom in that it is an ion...
+%
+Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
+	If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review
+	and be implemented it wasn't worth doing.
+%
+MOMENTUM:
+	What you give a person when they are going away.
+%
+Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
+%
+Mom's Law:
+	When they finally do have to take you to the
+	hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new.
+%
+MONDAY:
+	In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
+%
+Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
+things we have.
+	-- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
+%
+Money cannot buy
+The fuel of love
+but is excellent kindling.
+
+To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say,
+Is a keen observer of life,
+The word intellectual suggests right away
+A man who's untrue to his wife.
+		-- W.H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems"
+%
+Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you
+awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.
+		-- C.B. Luce
+%
+Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
+		-- Christopher Marlowe
+%
+Money doesn't talk, it swears.
+		-- Bob Dylan
+%
+Money is a powerful aphrodisiac.  But flowers work almost as well.
+		-- Lazarus Long
+%
+Money is its own reward.
+%
+Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
+%
+Money is the root of all wealth.
+%
+Money is truthful.  If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
+		-- Lazarus Long
+%
+Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.
+		-- Sir Edmond Stockdale
+%
+Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
+%
+Money may not buy happiness, but it sure
+puts you in a great bargaining position.
+%
+Money will say more in one moment than
+the most eloquent lover can in years.
+%
+Moneyliness is next to Godliness.
+		-- Andries van Dam
+%
+Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
+		-- H.H. Munro
+%
+MONOTONY:
+	Marriage to one woman at a time.
+%
+MONTANA:
+	A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television.
+%
+MONTANA:
+	Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff.
+%
+Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place
+in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling
+of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.
+		-- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840
+%
+moon, n:
+	1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
+hackers.  See PHASE OF THE MOON.  2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
+%
+Moore's Constant:
+	Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody
+	does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
+%
+MOPHOBIA:
+	Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
+%
+mophobia, n:
+	Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
+%
+More are taken in by hope than by cunning.
+		-- Vauvenargues
+%
+More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.
+		-- R.S. Surtees
+%
+More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island.
+%
+More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
+%
+MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
+The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday
+night.  The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians
+waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for
+the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase.  The stalemate was
+broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted
+the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities.
+At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're
+full of ka-ka."  This started a fight and the match was called by officials.
+%
+More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads.  One path
+leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
+Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
+		-- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
+%
+Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly
+religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help.
+One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent
+man all my life.  Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery
+just once?"
+	The despondent fellow returned week after week.  One day, Morris,
+nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before.
+I just want to win one little lottery."
+	"As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at
+least meet Me halfway on this.  Buy a ticket!"
+%
+Morton's Law:
+	If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
+%
+Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more
+wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types...
+		-- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"
+%
+Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
+	Don't worry if it doesn't work right.
+	If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
+%
+MOSQUITO:
+	The state bird of New Jersey.
+%
+Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
+%
+Most folks they like the daytime,
+	'cause they like to see the shining sun.
+They're up in the morning, 
+	off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun.
+But when the sun goes down,
+	and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun.
+
+Now there are two sides to this great big world,
+	and one of them is always night.
+If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby,
+	I guess you're gonna be all right.
+Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand.
+	My eyes just can't stand the light.
+
+'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long.
+		-- Carly Simon
+%
+Most general statements are false, including this one.
+		-- Alexander Dumas
+%
+Most of our lives are about proving something,
+either to ourselves or to someone else.
+%
+Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking
+difficulties before we get to them.
+		-- Dr. Frank Crane
+%
+...most of us learned about love the hard way.  Even warnings are probably
+useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends,
+hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute
+and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of
+lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from
+which some of them never recovered during their entire lives.  And I am not
+speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women
+of every age in every city in every year.  The notorious sexual revolution
+has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love.
+		-- Alix Kates Shulman
+%
+Most of your faults are not your fault.
+%
+Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.
+%
+Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and
+they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment
+to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the
+moon.
+		-- H.L. Mencken
+%
+Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.
+%
+Most people deserve each other.
+		-- Shirley
+%
+Most people don't need a great deal of love
+nearly so much as they need a steady supply.
+%
+Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
+		-- E.W. Howe
+%
+Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.
+%
+Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained
+only by the disinclination of others to listen.  Reserve is an artificial
+quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.
+		-- W.S. Maugham
+%
+Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.
+%
+Most people have two reasons for doing anything --
+a good reason, and the real reason.
+%
+Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are,
+at best, reformed or potential lunatics.
+		-- Susan Sontag
+%
+Most people need some of their problems
+to help take their mind off some of the others.
+%
+Most people prefer certainty to truth.
+%
+Most people want either less corruption
+or more of a chance to participate in it.
+%
+Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands,
+if you'll consider their unacceptable offer.
+%
+Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.
+%
+Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.
+%
+Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who
+can't talk for people who can't read.
+		-- Frank Zappa
+%
+Most seminars have a happy ending.  Everyone's glad when they're over.
+%
+Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
+		-- Richard Lewis
+%
+MOTHER:
+	Half a word.
+%
+Mother Earth is not flat!
+%
+Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that
+there would be so many.
+%
+Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there
+would be so many.
+%
+Mother told me to be good but she's been wrong before.
+%
+Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they
+don't want them to become politicians in the process.
+		-- John F. Kennedy
+%
+Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense)
+Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense.
+		-- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger"
+%
+Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
+%
+MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
+%
+Mountain Dew and doughnuts...  because breakfast is the most important meal
+of the day.
+%
+Mr. Cole's Axiom:
+	The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
+	population is growing.
+%
+Mr. Rockford?  This is Betty Joe Withers.  I got four shirts of yours from
+the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake.  I don't know why they gave me men's
+shirts but they're going back.
+%
+Mr. Rockford?  You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you.  Could
+you call me at...  My name is... uh...  Never mind, forget it!
+%
+Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses.  We got your
+renewal before the extended deadline but not your check.  I'm sorry but
+at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
+%
+Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
+Etiquette.  We aren't going to call again!  Now you want these free
+lessons or what?
+%
+Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent.
+When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was
+wrong, "Up to a point."
+	"Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean?  Capital of Japan?
+Yokohama isn't it?"
+	"Up to a point, Lord Copper."
+	"And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?"
+	"Definitely, Lord Copper."
+		-- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop"
+%
+MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.
+		-- Henry Spencer
+%
+Much of the excitement we get out of our work
+is that we don't really know what we are doing.
+		-- E. Dijkstra
+%
+Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
+He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
+"We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should
+	be shared."
+But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more:
+First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
+"Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
+But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
+"Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
+	with prawns,
+Some parsley and and some tartar sauce..."
+But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
+His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
+And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
+His Mother cried: "What shall we do?  What's left won't even make a stew..."
+And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen.
+and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
+None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.
+%
+Multics is security spelled sideways.
+%
+"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365,
+365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365".  He [ten-year-old Truman Henry
+Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the
+tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes
+smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more
+than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!"
+An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be
+as much fun to watch.
+		-- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics"
+%
+MUMMY:
+	An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
+%
+Mummy dust to make me old;
+To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
+To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
+To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
+A blast of wind to fan my hate;
+A thunderbolt to mix it well --
+Now begin thy magic spell!
+		-- The Evil Queen, "Snow White"
+%
+Mummy dust to make me old;
+To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
+To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
+To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
+A blast of wind to fan my hate;
+A thunderbolt to mix it well --
+Now begin thy magic spell!
+		-- Walter Disney, "Snow White"
+%
+Mum's the word.
+		-- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.
+		-- Xaviera Hollander
+
+[The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]
+%
+Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot
+talk about after dinner.
+		-- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
+%
+Murphy was an optimist.
+%
+Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
+%
+Murphy's Law of Research:
+	Enough research will tend to support your theory.
+%
+Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem.
+		-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
+%
+Murphy's Laws:
+	(1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
+	(2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
+	(3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
+%
+Murray's Rule:
+	Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
+%
+Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
+		-- Lao Tsu
+%
+Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
+%
+Must I hold a candle to my shames?
+		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
+%
+MUSTGO:
+	Any item of food that has been sitting in the
+	refrigerator so long it has become a science project.
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
+		-- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"
+%
+My analyst told me that I was right out of my head,
+	But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.
+Because I have got a thing that is unique and new,
+	To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.
+'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two.
+
+And you know two heads are better than one.
+%
+My best argument against discrimination is quite simple:
+
+Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if
+they can tell one end of a gun from the other?
+%
+My Bonnie looked into a gas tank,
+The height of its contents to see!
+She lit a small match to assist her,
+Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.
+%
+My boy is mean kid.  I came home the other day and saw him taping worms
+to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias.  Well,
+only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with
+a bulls-eye on the back.
+
+I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own."  One of them
+said, "So will you."
+		-- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+My brain is my second favorite organ.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big sattelite photo
+of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want
+It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures,
+	and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits.
+It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating
+	decimal points for the sake of precision.
+Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes,
+	I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me.
+It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an
+	arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers.
+It annoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are
+	over.
+Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my
+	life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever.
+%
+My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty
+nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and,
+instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at
+a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at
+the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which
+turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain
+that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were
+just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that.
+		-- Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+"My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think
+of saying, except in a desperate case.  It is like saying "My mother,
+drunk or sober."
+		-- G.K. Chesterton, "The Defendant"
+%
+"My country right or wrong" is like saying, "My mother drunk or
+sober."
+		-- G.K. Chesterton
+%
+My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
+%
+My darling wife was always glum.
+I drowned her in a cask of rum,
+And so made sure that she would stay
+In better spirits night and day.
+%
+My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.  
+Unless there are three other people.
+		-- Orson Welles
+%
+My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.  Unless there
+are three other people.
+		-- Orson Welles
+%
+My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
+%
+My experience with government is when things are non-controversial,
+beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much
+is going on.
+		-- J.F. Kennedy
+%
+My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
+		-- Iphicrates
+%
+My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose
+your ignorance; you cannot replace it."
+		-- Erich Maria Remarque
+%
+My father taught me three things:
+	1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water.
+	2: Never try to draw to an inside straight.
+	3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.
+%
+My father was a God-fearing man, but he never
+missed a copy of the New York Times, either.
+		-- E.B. White
+%
+My father was a saint, I'm not.
+		-- Indira Gandhi
+%
+My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce
+and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.
+		-- Senator Hubert Humphrey
+%
+My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh
+Pirates team, which lost 112 games.  After a terrible series against the
+New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors
+and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can
+somebody think of something to help us win a game?"
+	"I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said.  "On any ball hit
+to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul."
+		-- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
+%
+My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower,
+but they were there to meet the boat.
+%
+My friend has a baby.  I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
+later I can ask him what he meant.
+		-- Stephen Wright
+%
+My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse,
+but always, always, he was right.
+%
+My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer.  First
+she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her.  This summer I'm going to go
+back and dig her up.
+%
+"My God!  Are we sure he was a liberal?"
+"Pretty sure.  They pulled him from a Volvo."
+%
+My God, I'm depressed!  Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times
+as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending
+mail about softball games.  And I've got this pain right through my ALU.
+I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens.  I think it
+would be better for us both if you were to just log out again.
+%
+My, how you've changed since I've changed.
+%
+My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.
+%
+My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.
+%
+My interest is in the future because I am
+going to spend the rest of my life there.
+%
+My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
+	And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
+The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
+	And the skies are sunlit for him.
+As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
+	As the fragrance of acacia.
+My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
+	And I wish he were in Asia.
+		-- Dorothy Parker, part 2
+%
+My love runs by like a day in June,
+	And he makes no friends of sorrows.
+He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
+	In the pathway or the morrows.
+He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
+	Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
+My own dear love, he is all my heart --
+	And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
+		-- Dorothy Parker, part 3
+%
+My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right
+thing to say.  And then say it with the utmost levity.
+		-- G.B. Shaw
+%
+My mind can never know my body, although
+it has become quite friendly with my legs.
+		-- Woody Allen, on Epistemology
+%
+My mother drinks to forget she drinks.
+		-- Crazy Jimmy
+%
+My mother loved children -- she would
+have given anything if I had been one.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood)
+"Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant."
+For years I tried smart.  I recommend pleasant.
+		-- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey"
+%
+My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
+		-- Sue Murphy
+%
+My My, hey hey
+Rock and roll is here to stay	The king is gone but he's not forgotten
+It's better to burn out		This is the story of a Johnny Rotten
+Than to fade away		It's better to burn out than it is to rust
+My my, hey hey			The king is gone but he's not forgotten
+
+It's out of the blue and into the black		Hey hey, my my
+They give you this, but you pay for that	Rock and roll can never die
+And once you're gone you can never come back	There's more to the picture
+When you're out of the blue			Than meets the eye
+And into the black
+		-- Neil Young
+		"My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps"
+%
+My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should
+be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
+%
+My only love sprung from my only hate!
+Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
+%
+My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
+%
+My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
+		-- O. Wilde
+%
+My own dear love, he is strong and bold
+	And he cares not what comes after.
+His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
+	And his eyes are lit with laughter.
+He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
+	Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
+My own dear love, he is all my world --
+	And I wish I'd never met him.
+		-- Dorothy Parker, part 1
+%
+My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems,
+and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable.  ...  We should be
+reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent
+to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not
+we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand,
+slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point
+from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now
+would be to deny our history, our capabilities.
+		-- James A. Michener
+%
+"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!"
+		-- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life.
+%
+My pen is at the bottom of a page,
+Which, being finished, here the story ends;
+'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
+But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
+		-- Byron
+%
+My philosophy is: Don't think.
+		-- Charles Manson
+%
+My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
+		-- Errol Flynn
+
+Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
+		-- Errol Flynn
+%
+My rackets are run on strictly American
+lines, and they're going to stay that way.
+		-- A. Capone
+%
+My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
+spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
+with our frail and feeble mind.
+		-- Albert Einstein
+%
+My ritual differs slightly.  What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I
+hop into the shower stall.  Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped
+in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot
+character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off
+of while he showers.  Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog,
+Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful
+dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants
+to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear
+in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind
+-- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new
+part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift.  Then I hop
+right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children
+have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen
+exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets.  Perhaps several of them.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any
+reason to limit myself.
+		-- Emo Philips
+%
+My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
+She sells C shells by the seashore.
+%
+My soul is crushed, my spirit sore
+I do not like me anymore,
+I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse,
+I ponder on the narrow house
+I shudder at the thought of men
+I'm due to fall in love again.
+		-- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope"
+%
+My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
+		-- Christopher Morley
+%
+My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.
+		-- George Gobel
+%
+My way of joking is to tell the truth.
+That's the funniest joke in the world.
+		-- Muhammad Ali
+%
+My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
+%
+Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.
+		-- Booth Tarkington
+%
+mythology, n:
+	The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin,
+	early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
+	from the true accounts which it invents later.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer)
+is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good
+returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren.
+
+So, now that you all understand naches, the joke:
+
+Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee.
+	"So, how's your daughter?"
+	"Oh, Rachel!  She's fine, she just married a dentist!"
+	"Really?  Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?"
+	"Yes, that's my Rachel."
+	"That's... that's nice.  But isn't she the same one that married
+		the doctor?"
+	"Yes, that's her!"
+	"But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?"
+	"Yes, yes!"
+	"Ahhh.  So much naches from one child!"
+%
+Nachman's Rule:
+	When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.
+		-- Gerald Nachman
+%
+Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection.
+		-- '76 Olympics
+%
+'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan.
+Never odd or even.
+A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
+Madam, I'm Adam.
+Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
+		-- The Mad Palindromist
+%
+NAPOLEON:	What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe?
+		Everything he says is wrong.
+GUISEPPE:	Make him a general, Excellency,
+		and then everything he says will be right.
+
+		-- G.B. Shaw
+%
+narcolepulacyi, n:
+	The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight
+	to also yawn.
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity.  The servant said
+"My master is out."  Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he
+goes out, he should not leave his face at the window.  Someone might steal
+it."
+%
+Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers
+gathered around to hear what had passed.  "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I
+only want to say that the King spoke to me."  All the villagers but the
+stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news.  The remaining villager
+asked, "What did the King say to you?"  "What he said -- and quite distinctly,
+for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed;
+he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they
+were spoken to.
+%
+Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve
+him.  Nasrudin said, "First things first.  Did you see me walk into your
+shop?"
+	"Of course."
+	"Have you ever seen me before?"
+	"Never."
+	"Then how do you know it was me?"
+%
+Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
+than the sun."
+	"Why?", he was asked.
+	"Because at night we need the light more."
+%
+Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie.
+Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from
+his hand.  As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird!
+You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?"
+%
+National security is in your hands - guard it well.
+%
+Natural laws have no pity.
+%
+Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders
+of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to
+drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
+or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship.  Voice or no voice, the people
+can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders.  That is easy.  All you
+have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists
+for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger.  It works the same
+in every country.
+		-- Hermann Goering
+%
+Nature abhors a hero.  For one thing, he violates the law of conservation
+of energy.  For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the
+fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be
+creamed?
+		-- Solomon Short
+%
+Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset.
+		-- Clare Booth Luce
+%
+Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
+%
+Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
+God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
+
+It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
+Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
+%
+Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely
+given them little.
+		-- Dr. Samuel Johnson
+%
+Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where,
+it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
+		-- Fran Lebowitz
+%
+Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be
+tolerated until they acquire some sense.
+		-- William Phelps
+%
+Nature to all things fixed the limits fit,
+And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit.
+As on the land while here the ocean gains,
+In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains;
+Thus in the soul while memory prevails,
+The solid power of understanding fails;
+Where beams of warm imagination play,
+The memory's soft figures melt away.
+		-- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?)
+%
+Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
+		-- Francis Bacon
+%
+Near the Studio Jean Cocteau
+On the Rue des Ecoles
+lived an old man
+with a blind dog
+Every evening I would see him
+guiding the dog along
+the sidewalk, keeping
+a firm grip on the leash
+so that the dog wouldn't
+run into a passerby
+Sometimes the dog would stop
+and look up at the sky
+Once the old man
+noticed me watching the dog
+and he said, "Oh, yes,
+this one knows
+when the moon is out,
+he can feel it on his face"
+		-- Barry Gifford
+%
+Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you
+want to test a man's character, give him power.
+		-- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I
+have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong.
+		-- Brent Welch
+%
+Necessity has no law.
+		-- St. Augustine
+%
+Necessity hath no law.
+		-- Oliver Cromwell
+%
+Necessity is a mother.
+%
+"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb.  "Necessity
+is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.
+		-- Alfred North Whitehead
+%
+Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.
+It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.
+		-- William Pitt, 1783
+%
+Neckties strangle clear thinking.
+		-- Lin Yutang
+%
+Needs are a function of what other people have.
+%
+Negative expectations yield negative results.
+Positive expectations yield negative results.
+%
+Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty.
+		-- Napoleon
+%
+Neil Armstrong tripped.
+%
+Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
+%
+Nemo me impune lacessit
+	[No one provokes me with impunity]
+		-- Motto of the Crown of Scotland
+%
+nerd pack, n:
+	Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling
+	clothes.  Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be
+	measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling
+	in his pack.
+%
+Neuroses are red,
+	Melancholia's blue.
+I'm schizophrenic,
+	What are you?
+%
+Neurotics build castles in the sky,
+Psychotics live in them,
+And psychiatrists collect the rent.
+%
+Neutrinos are into physicists.
+%
+Neutrinos have bad breadth.
+%
+neutron bomb, n:
+	An explosive device of limited military value because, as
+	it only destroys people without destroying property, it
+	must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.
+%
+Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
+		-- Linda Festa
+%
+Never appeal to a man's "better nature."  He may not have one.
+Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
+		-- Lazarus Long
+%
+Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.
+%
+Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
+%
+Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
+%
+Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.
+%
+Never ask two questions in a business letter.  The reply will discuss
+the one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other.
+%
+Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
+		-- Anonymous
+%
+Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
+%
+Never buy from a rich salesman.
+		-- Goldenstern
+%
+Never buy what you do not want
+because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
+		-- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.
+%
+Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
+%
+Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
+%
+Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
+%
+Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator.  The elevator's motion coupled
+with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change
+into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
+window.  (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.)
+%
+Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.
+%
+Never eat anything bigger than your head.
+%
+Never eat at a place called Mom's.  Never play cards with a man named Doc.
+And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
+		-- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
+%
+Never eat more than you can lift.
+		-- Miss Piggy
+%
+Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're
+absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth.
+%
+Never explain.  Your friends do not need it
+and your enemies will never believe you anyway.
+		-- Elbert Hubbard
+%
+Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
+		-- Marlo Thomas
+%
+Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
+%
+Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.
+%
+Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
+%
+Never give an inch!
+%
+Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
+		-- Erma Bombeck
+%
+Never go to bed mad.  Stay up and fight.
+		-- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints"
+%
+Never have children, only grandchildren.
+		-- Gore Vidal
+%
+Never have so many understood so little about so much.
+		-- James Burke
+%
+Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat.
+%
+Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
+%
+Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
+		-- Billy Rose
+%
+Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
+		-- Quentin Crisp
+%
+Never kick a man, unless he's down.
+%
+Never laugh at live dragons.
+		-- Bilbo Baggins
+%
+Never leave anything to chance;
+make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
+%
+Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
+		-- Erma Bombeck
+%
+Never let someone who says it cannot be done
+interrupt the person who is doing it.
+%
+Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
+		-- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
+%
+Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
+		-- Saint Jerome
+%
+Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
+%
+Never make anything simple and efficient when a
+way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
+%
+Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
+		-- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
+%
+Never offend with style when you can offend with substance.
+%
+Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.
+%
+Never play pool with anyone named "Fats".
+%
+Never promise more than you can perform.
+		-- Publilius Syrus
+%
+Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
+		-- D. Gries
+%
+Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
+%
+Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
+%
+Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection
+unprotected.
+		-- Robert Orben
+%
+Never reveal your best argument.
+%
+Never say "Oops" in an operating room.
+%
+Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
+%
+Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
+		-- Nelson Algren
+%
+Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on
+that subject.
+		-- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand
+%
+NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.
+%
+Never tell.  Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks
+in on you, deny it.  Yeah.  Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm
+tellin' ya.  This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay
+On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'.  I didn't know what I was gonna do..."
+		-- Lenny Bruce
+%
+Never tell people how to do things.  Tell them WHAT to
+do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
+		-- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.
+%
+Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
+		-- Steinbach
+%
+Never trust a child farther than you can throw it.
+%
+Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
+%
+Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.
+		-- John Dillinger
+%
+Never trust an operating system.
+%
+Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.
+%
+Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
+%
+Never try to explain computers to a layman.  It's easier to explain
+sex to a virgin.
+	-- Robert Heinlein
+
+(Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)
+%
+Never try to outstubborn a cat.
+		-- Lazarus Long
+%
+Never try to teach a pig to sing.
+It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
+%
+Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
+%
+Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
+%
+Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where
+there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
+%
+Never volunteer for anything.
+		-- Lackland
+%
+Never worry about theory as long as the
+machinery does what it's supposed to do.
+		-- R.A. Heinlein
+%
+new, adj:
+	Different color from previous model.
+%
+New crypt.  See /usr/news/crypt.
+%
+New England Life, of course.  Why?
+%
+New England Life, of course.  Why do you ask?
+%
+New members are urgently needed in the Society
+for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself.  Apply within.
+%
+New release:
+	Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting
+	time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
+	rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait.
+%
+New systems generate new problems.
+%
+New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his
+age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it.
+		-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
+%
+New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around
+whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
+		-- David Letterman
+%
+New York-- to that tall skyline I come
+Flyin' in from London to your door
+New York-- lookin' down on Central Park
+Where they say you should not wander after dark.
+New York.
+		-- Simon and Garfunkle
+%
+New York's got the ways and means, just won't let you be.
+%
+Newlan's Truism:
+	An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the 
+	government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
+%
+Newman's Discovery:
+	Your best dreams may not come true;
+	fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
+%
+Newpaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
+print the chaff.
+	-- Adlai Stevenson
+%
+NEWS FLASH!!
+	Today the East German pole-vault champion
+	became the West German pole-vault champion.
+%
+news: gotcha
+%
+NEWSFLASH!!
+	Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at
+1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down.
+It was.  Age 31.
+%
+Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
+	A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
+%
+Next Friday will not be your lucky day.
+As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
+%
+Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
+		-- Foghorn Leghorn
+%
+Nice guys don't finish nice.
+%
+Nice guys finish last.
+		-- Leo Durocher
+%
+Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
+		-- Evan Davis
+%
+Nice guys get sick.
+%
+Nick the Greek's Law of Life:
+	All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
+%
+Nietzsche is pietzsche.
+%
+Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
+%
+Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.
+God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
+		-- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
+%
+Nihilism should commence with oneself.
+%
+Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his
+name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
+(Nick-les Worth).  Which is to say that Europeans call him by name,
+but Americans call him by value.
+%
+Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
+Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
+Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
+Three megs for system source;
+
+One disk to rule them all,
+One disk to bind them,
+One disk to hold the files
+And in the darkness grind 'em.
+%
+Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
+And tapes without any tracks;
+Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
+And tapes mixed up on the racks --
+	Take hold of the tape
+	And pull off the strip,
+	And then you'll be sure
+	Your tape drive will skip.
+
+		-- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
+%
+Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
+		-- Henry Kissinger
+%
+Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would.
+The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.
+		-- Augustine
+%
+Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they
+would.  The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect
+that much.
+		-- Augustine
+%
+Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
+	The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
+	the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
+%
+Nirvana?  That's the place where the powers
+that be and their friends hang out.
+		-- Zonker Harris
+%
+Nitwit ideas are for emergencies.  You use them when you've got nothing
+else to try.  If they work, they go in the Book.  Otherwise you follow
+the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.
+		-- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
+%
+No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
+		-- Aesop
+%
+No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
+%
+No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
+%
+No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.
+		-- William Blake
+%
+no brainer:
+	A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope,
+	is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
+%
+No character, however upright, is a match for
+constantly reiterated attacks, however false.
+		-- Alexander Hamilton
+%
+No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.
+		-- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about
+		   film rights to "Gone With the Wind".
+		   Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
+%
+No directory.
+%
+No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon
+lectures which are really worth the attending.
+		-- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
+%
+No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself
+on the grounds that it was human nature.
+%
+No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'
+		-- Dr. Who
+%
+No evil can happen to a good man.
+		-- Plato
+%
+No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.
+		-- Aristotle
+%
+No extensible language will be universal.
+		-- T. Cheatham
+%
+No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;
+no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.
+		-- Landor
+%
+No good deed goes unpunished.
+		-- Clare Booth Luce
+%
+No group of professionals meets except to
+conspire against the public at large.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that
+he will not become a nuisance after three days.
+		-- Titus Maccius Plautus
+%
+No guts, no glory.
+%
+No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware
+until three software guys have signed off for it.
+		-- Andy Tanenbaum
+%
+No, his mind is not for rent
+To any god or government.
+Always hopeful, yet discontent,
+He knows changes aren't permanent -
+But change is.
+%
+No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.
+%
+No house should ever be on any hill or on anything.
+It should be of the hill, belonging to it.
+		-- Frank Lloyd Wright
+%
+No, I don't have a drinking problem.
+I drink, I get drunk, I fall down.  No problem!
+%
+No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain.  All I'm after is
+just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone
+and Telegraph Company.
+		-- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking
+		   machine, 1943.
+%
+No is no negative in a woman's mouth.
+		-- Sidney
+%
+"No job too big; no fee too big!"
+		-- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters"
+%
+No line available at 300 baud.
+%
+No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
+absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
+Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
+within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
+Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
+doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
+of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
+		-- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
+%
+no maintenance:
+	Impossible to fix.
+%
+No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost
+interest in hair restorers.
+	-- Austin O'Malley
+%
+No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating
+one peanut.
+		-- Channing Pollock
+%
+No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the
+Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea,
+Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if
+a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes
+me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know
+for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
+		-- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland"
+%
+No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
+%
+No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.
+%
+No man is useless who has a friend,
+and if we are loved we are indispensable.
+		-- Robert Louis Stevenson
+%
+No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
+		-- E.W. Howe
+%
+No man's ambition has a right to stand in
+the way of performing a simple act of justice.
+		-- John Altgeld
+%
+No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher
+than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination.
+		-- Lenin, 1918
+%
+No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night
+with her.  The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck.
+But he is dead.  So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification
+in the afternoons.
+		-- Salvador Dali
+%
+No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
+%
+No matter how much you do you never do enough.
+%
+No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for
+signs of improvement.
+		-- Florida Scott-Maxwell
+%
+No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously
+cramp his style.
+%
+No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
+%
+No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
+%
+No matter who you are, some scholar can show you
+the great idea you had was had by someone before you.
+%
+No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not,
+th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.
+		-- Mr. Dooley
+%
+No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an
+unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway.
+		-- Arthur Binstead
+%
+No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it
+all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly
+the functions he is competent to.  It is by dividing and subdividing these
+republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it
+ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under
+every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best.
+		-- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816
+%
+No one becomes depraved in a moment.
+		-- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
+%
+No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
+%
+No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a
+dirty little beast.
+		-- W.S. Gilbert
+%
+No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
+		-- Eleanor Roosevelt
+%
+No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
+%
+No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
+%
+No one knows like a woman how to say
+things that are at once gentle and deep.
+		-- Hugo
+%
+No one knows what he can do till he tries.
+		-- Publilius Syrus
+%
+No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
+		-- Quintus Ennius
+%
+No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the
+one who's giving it.
+		-- Hal Chadwick
+%
+NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS
+		-- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907
+%
+No pig should go sky diving during monsoon
+For this isn't really the norm.
+But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon,
+So what?  Any pork in a storm.
+
+No pig should go sky diving during monsoon,
+It's risky enough when the weather is fine.
+But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar
+Cast even more perils before swine.
+%
+No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
+He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
+Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
+And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
+	(refrain)
+Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
+And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
+All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
+But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
+	(refrain)
+Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
+The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
+A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
+But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
+	(refrain)
+Refrain:
+	Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
+	And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
+	Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
+	And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
+%
+No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of
+them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe
+their wish has been granted.
+		-- W.H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand"
+%
+No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
+%
+No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
+%
+No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
+		-- C. Schulz
+%
+No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
+%
+"No program is perfect,"
+They said with a shrug.
+"The customer's happy--
+What's one little bug?"
+
+But he was determined,			Then change two, then three more,
+The others went home.			As year followed year.
+He dug out the flow chart		And strangers would comment,
+Deserted, alone.			"Is that guy still here?"
+
+Night passed into morning.		He died at the console
+The room was cluttered			Of hunger and thirst
+With core dumps, source listings.	Next day he was buried
+"I'm close," he muttered.		Face down, nine edge first.
+
+Chain smoking, cold coffee,		And his wife through her tears
+Logic, deduction.			Accepted his fate.
+"I've got it!" he cried,		Said "He's not really gone,
+"Just change one instruction."		He's just working late."
+		-- The Perfect Programmer
+%
+No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
+occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
+indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence
+different from the one identified by the given indication as an
+indication-applied occurrence.
+		-- ALGOL 68 Report
+%
+No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
+%
+No rock so hard but that a little wave
+May beat admission in a thousand years.
+		-- Tennyson
+%
+No self-made man ever did such a good job
+that some woman didn't want to make some alterations.
+		-- Kim Hubbard
+%
+No skis take rocks like rental skis!
+%
+No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary
+for that purpose to keep awake all day.
+		-- Nietzsche
+%
+No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
+%
+No sooner had Edger Allen Poe
+Finished his old Raven,
+then he started his Old Crow.
+%
+No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth.
+		-- Quintus Ennius
+%
+No spitting on the Bus!
+Thank you, The Management.
+%
+No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk.
+		-- Richard Nixon
+%
+No two persons ever read the same book.
+		-- Edmund Wilson
+%
+No use getting too involved in life --
+you're only here for a limited time.
+%
+No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you!  Consider the furniture!
+		-- Sherlock Holmes
+%
+No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
+she will or will not be a mother.
+		-- Margaret H. Sanger
+%
+No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.
+		-- Lord Thomas Dewar
+%
+No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of
+him than he deserves.
+		-- Edgar Watson Howe
+%
+No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo.
+Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!
+%
+No wonder you're tired!  You understood so much today.
+%
+No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.
+%
+Nobert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories.  Weiner was, in
+fact, very absent minded.  The following story is told about him: when they
+moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely
+useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move.  Since
+she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had
+moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to
+him.  Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him.  He
+reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
+some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and
+threw the piece of paper away.  At the end of the day he went home (to the
+old address in Cambridge, of course).  When he got there he realized that they
+had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of
+paper with the address was long gone.  Fortunately inspiration struck.  There
+was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where
+he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me.  I'm Norbert Weiner
+and we've just moved.  Would you know where we've moved to?"  To which the
+young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget."
+	The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
+story) about the truth of the story, many years later.  She said that it wasn't
+quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were!  The rest of it,
+however, was pretty close to what actually happened...
+		-- Richard Harter
+%
+Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
+%
+Nobody can be exactly like me.  Even I have trouble doing it.
+		-- Tallulah Bankhead
+%
+Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.
+%
+Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
+		-- Kin Hubbard
+%
+Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
+%
+NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
+%
+Nobody is one block of harmony.  We are all afraid of something, or feel
+limited in something.  We all need somebody to talk to.  It would be good
+if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk.  We
+shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact;
+that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too.
+It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks.
+		-- Liv Ullman
+%
+Nobody knows the trouble I've been.
+%
+Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.
+		-- Roy Harper
+%
+Nobody loves me,
+Everybody hates me,
+I think I'll go out and eat worms.
+I'm gonna cut their heads off,
+Eat their insides out,
+And throw way the skins.
+Big, fat, juicy ones,
+Little, skinny, cute ones,
+Watch how they wiggle and they squirm.
+%
+Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married.
+And then it's too late.
+%
+Nobody shot me.
+		-- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police
+		who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the Saint
+		Valentine's Day Massacre.
+
+Only Capone kills like that.
+		-- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
+
+The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran.
+		-- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
+%
+Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order
+for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of
+their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old.
+		-- Lewis Lapham
+%
+Nobody takes a bribe.  Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold our
+your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's
+different.
+		-- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P.
+		   O'Brien, instructions to the force.
+%
+Nobody wants constructive criticism.
+It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise.
+%
+Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start
+coming in late and lying about it.
+%
+nohup rm -fr /&
+%
+Noise proves nothing.  Often a hen who has
+merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+nolo contendere:
+	A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do
+	it again."
+%
+nominal egg:
+	New Yorkerese for expensive.
+%
+Noncombatant:
+	A dead Quaker.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.
+		-- M.J. 0'Donnell
+%
+Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
+%
+None love the bearer of bad news.
+		-- Sophocles
+%
+None of our men are "experts."  We have most unfortunately found it necessary
+to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one 
+ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job.  A man who knows a 
+job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing 
+forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient 
+he is.  Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a 
+state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
+"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible.
+		-- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work"
+%
+Nonsense.  Space is blue and birds fly through it.
+		-- Heisenberg
+%
+Nonsense and beauty have close connections.
+		-- E.M. Forster
+%
+Noone ever built a statue to a critic.
+%
+No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good
+intentions.  He had money as well.
+		-- Margaret Thatcher
+%
+Norm:  Gentlemen, start your taps.
+		-- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter
+
+Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
+Norm:  Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
+		-- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's
+
+Coach: How's life, Norm?
+Norm:  Not for the squeamish, Coach.
+		-- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants
+%
+Norm:  Hey, everybody.
+All:   [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]
+Norm:  [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.]
+       Norm!   (Norman.)
+       How are you feeling today, Norm?
+       Rich and thirsty.  Pour me a beer.
+		-- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
+
+Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm:  Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
+       Film at eleven.
+		-- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar
+
+Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm:  Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.
+		-- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone
+%
+[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
+
+Coach:  Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
+Norm:   With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
+		-- Cheers, Norman's Conquest
+
+Coach:  What's up, Normie?
+Norm:   The temperature under my collar, Coach.
+		-- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)
+
+Coach:  What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
+Norm:   Going down?
+		-- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
+%
+[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]
+
+Off-screen crowd:  Norm!
+Sam:   How the hell do they know him here?
+Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
+		-- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity
+
+Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm:  Elope with my wife.
+		-- Cheers, The Triangle
+
+Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm:  Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
+		-- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please?
+%
+[Norm is angry.]
+
+Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm:  Clifford Clavin's head.
+		-- Cheers, The Triangle
+
+Sam:  Hey, what's happening, Norm?
+Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
+      and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
+		-- Cheers, The Peterson Principle
+
+Sam:  How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
+Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.
+		-- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day
+%
+[Norm returns from the hospital.]
+
+Coach:  What's up, Norm?
+Norm:   Everything that's supposed to be.
+		-- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
+
+Sam:  What's new, Normie?
+Norm: Terrorists, Sam.  They've taken over my stomach.
+      They're demanding beer.
+		-- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter
+
+Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
+Norm:  Just the usual, Coach.  I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
+		-- Cheers, King of the Hill
+%
+[Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
+Norm:  Afternoon, everybody!
+All:   Anton!
+		-- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm
+
+Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm:  A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.''
+		-- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible
+
+Sam:  What can I get you, Norm?
+Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder?  Ah, just kidding.
+      Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers.
+		-- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd
+%
+Normal times may possibly be over forever.
+%
+Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other
+reason than self-protection.  We never recommend any of our graduates,
+although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed
+their courses.
+		-- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn"
+%
+Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
+%
+Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
+%
+Not all men who drink are poets.
+Some of us drink because we aren't poets.
+%
+Not all who own a harp are harpers.
+		-- Marcus Terentius Varro
+%
+Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't
+make you live longer -- it just seems that way.
+%
+Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to
+the capitalist mode of production.
+		-- Herbert Marcuse
+%
+Not every question deserves an answer.
+%
+Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.
+%
+Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
+Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
+in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
+moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine,
+a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
+respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
+it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
+then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
+chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine...
+		-- Stanislaw Lem
+%
+Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is
+ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.
+		-- Professor, EECS, George Washington University
+
+I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.
+		-- Professor, Harvard, on a  senior thesis.
+%
+Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.
+	-- Rob Pike
+%
+Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a
+serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
+		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
+%
+Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.
+		-- Spinoza
+%
+NOTE:  No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given. 
+All software is supplied as is, without guarantee.  The user assumes
+all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these
+features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system
+abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark
+attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis,
+local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure,
+invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction
+surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive
+electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated
+chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices,
+premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant
+uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins,
+and/or frogs falling from the sky.
+%
+Note to myself: use real bullets next time.
+%
+Notes for a ballet, "The Spell:"  ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the
+flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ...
+Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part
+woman -- unfortunately, divided lengthwise.  She enchants Sigmund, who
+is careful not to make any poultry jokes...
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of
+wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is
+astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
+unfortunately, divided lengthwise.  She enchants Sigmund, who is careful
+not to make any poultry jokes.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
+		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+Nothing can be done in one trip.
+		-- Snider
+%
+Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
+%
+Nothing endures but change.
+		-- Heraclitus
+	[Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.]
+%
+Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a
+proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
+		-- John Keats
+%
+Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
+		-- Winston Churchill
+
+Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as
+satisfying as an income tax refund.
+		-- F.J. Raymond
+%
+Nothing in life is to be feared.  It is only to be understood.
+%
+Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
+%
+Nothing is as simple as it seems at first
+	Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle
+		Or as finished as it seems in the end.
+%
+Nothing is but what is not.
+%
+Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
+%
+Nothing is faster than the speed of light.
+
+To prove this to yourself, try opening the
+refrigerator door before the light comes on.
+%
+Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
+%
+Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
+		-- Andrew Young
+%
+Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
+		-- A.H. Weiler
+%
+Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which 
+millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
+		-- Nero Wolfe
+%
+Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey.
+%
+Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature.
+She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.
+		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.
+		-- Michel de Montaigne
+%
+Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.
+		-- Ebner-Eschenbach
+%
+Nothing lasts forever.
+Where do I find nothing?
+%
+Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
+%
+Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
+Conscience makes egotists of us all.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.
+		-- Arthur Balfour
+%
+Nothing motivates a man more than to
+see his boss put in an honest day's work.
+%
+Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely
+repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because
+the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult
+which can be offered to a personality.
+		-- Soren Kierkegaard
+%
+Nothing recedes like success.
+		-- Walter Winchell
+%
+Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at
+which the hearer is permitted to laugh.
+		-- Quentin Crisp
+%
+Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Nothing succeeds like excess.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Nothing succeeds like success.
+		-- Alexandre Dumas
+%
+Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
+		-- Christopher Lascl
+%
+Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
+		-- Charlie Brown
+%
+Nothing takes the taste out of peanut
+butter quite like unrequited love.
+		-- Charlie Brown
+%
+Nothing that's forced can ever be right,
+If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
+That's what she said as she turned out the light,
+And we bent our backs as slaves of the night,
+Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars
+She got from trying to fight
+Saying, oh, you'd better believe it.
+[...]
+Well nothing that's real is ever for free
+And you just have to pay for it sometime.
+She said it before, she said it to me,
+I suppose she believed there was nothing to see,
+But the same old four imaginary walls
+She'd built for livin' inside
+I said oh, you just can't mean it.
+[...]
+Well nothing that's forced can ever be right,
+If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
+That's what she said as she turned out the light,
+And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right,
+But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost
+The veil that covered her eyes,
+I said oh, you can leave it.
+		-- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It"
+%
+Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
+		-- Kim Hubbard
+%
+Nothing will ever be attempted
+if all possible objections must be first overcome.
+		-- Dr. Johnson
+%
+NOTICE:
+	Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will
+	be summarily put out.
+%
+NOTICE:
+
+-- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY --
+
+(The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)
+%
+Nouvelle cuisine, n:
+	French for "not enough food".
+
+Continental breakfast, n:
+	English for "not enough food".
+
+Tapas, n:
+	Spanish for "not enough food".
+
+Dim Sum, n:
+	Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.
+%
+November:
+	The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
+%
+Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery:
+
+	When comes the revolution, things will be different --
+	not better, just different.
+%
+Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
+%
+Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
+Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.
+		-- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
+%
+Now I lay me back to sleep.
+The speaker's dull; the subject's deep.
+If he should stop before I wake,
+Give me a nudge for goodness' sake.
+		-- Anonymous
+%
+Now I lay me down to sleep
+I pray the double lock will keep;
+May no brick through the window break,
+And, no one rob me till I awake.
+%
+Now I lay me down to sleep,
+I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
+If I should die before I wake,
+I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!!  Mistake!!"
+%
+Now I lay me down to study,
+I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
+And if I fail to learn this junk,
+I pray the Lord that I won't flunk.
+But if I do, don't pity me at all,
+Just lay my bones in the study hall.
+Tell my teacher I've done my best,
+Then pile my books upon my chest.
+%
+Now is the time for all good men to come to.
+		-- Walt Kelly
+%
+Now is the time for drinking;
+now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot.
+		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+Now it's time to say goodbye
+To all our company...
+M-I-C	(see you next week!)
+K-E-Y	(Why?  Because we LIKE you!)
+M-O-U-S-E.
+%
+Now of my threescore years and ten,
+Twenty will not come again,
+And take from seventy springs a score,
+It leaves me only fifty more.
+
+And since to look at things in bloom
+Fifty springs are little room,
+About the woodlands I will go
+To see the cherry hung with snow.
+		-- A.E. Housman
+%
+Now that day wearies me,
+My yearning desire
+Will receive more kindly,
+Like a tired child, the starry night.
+
+Hands, leave off your deeds,
+Mind, forget all thoughts;
+All of my forces
+Yearn only to sink into sleep.
+
+And my soul, unguarded,
+Would soar on widespread wings,
+To live in night's magical sphere
+More profoundly, more variously.
+		-- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep"
+%
+Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time
+some housewife or boutique owner turned diet expert appears on TV to plug
+her latest book.  And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee
+cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions:
+
+1: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food?
+2: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
+	exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
+3: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed...
+	without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the
+	occasional Mai-Tai?  (Remember, living right doesn't really make
+	you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.)
+
+That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
+%
+Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
+Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
+were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST...
+%
+Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide,"
+or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought."
+	-- Shelby Friedman, WSJ.
+%
+Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game:
+you can win or you can lose or it can rain.
+		-- Casey Stengel
+%
+Now you're ready for the actual shopping.  Your goal should be to get it
+over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the mall,
+the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall
+public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children
+emotionally.  For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who
+befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then
+melts.  And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young reindeer who,
+because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by the other
+reindeer.  Then along comes good, old Santa.  Does he ignore the deformity?
+Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive
+reindeer he is underneath?  No.  Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as
+if Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with legs and a
+tail.  So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of insensitivity,
+you should shop quickly.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+Nowlan's Theory:
+	He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
+	the next freeway exit.
+%
+Now's the time to have some big ideas
+Now's the time to make some firm decisions
+We saw the Buddha in a bar down south
+Talking politics and nuclear fission
+We see him and he's all washed up --
+Moving on into the body of a beetle
+Getting ready for a long long crawl
+He  ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all...
+
+Death and Money make their point once more
+In the shape of Philosophical assassins
+Mark and Danny take the bus uptown
+Deadly angels for reality and passion
+Have the courage of the here and now
+Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas
+When you think you got it paid in full
+You got nothing -- you got nothing at all...
+	We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
+	We know his name and he mustn't get away.
+	We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
+	It would take one shot -- to blow him away...
+		-- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddah"
+%
+Nuclear powered vacuuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
+		-- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,
+		   manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York
+		   Times, June 10, 1955.
+%
+[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
+		-- Edwin Meese III
+%
+Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
+normal routines, for children and adults alike.
+		-- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack"
+%
+Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
+%
+Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus.
+%
+Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark.
+%
+(null cookie; hope that's ok)
+%
+Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.
+		-- Seneca
+%
+Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
+%
+Nurse Donna:	Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
+Groucho:	Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.
+Nurse Donna:	Do you believe in computer dating?
+Groucho:	Only if the computers really love each other.
+%
+Nusbaum's Rule:
+	The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the
+	organization.  (For instance, the Murphy Center for the
+	Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
+	to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
+%
+O!  If I were a fish
+I'd lay hap'ly on my dish.
+Yes, that's my one and only wish --
+To be a fish!
+
+For fish don't ever mish;
+They needn't flush after they pish!
+Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish,
+For all the fish!!!
+%
+O give me a home,
+Where the buffalo roam,
+Where the deer and the antelope play,
+Where seldom is heard
+A discouraging word,
+'Cause what can an antelope say?
+%
+O imitators, you slavish herd!
+		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+O, it is excellent
+To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
+To use it like a giant.
+		-- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2
+%
+O Lord, grant that we may always be right,
+for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
+%
+O love, could thou and I with fate conspire
+To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,
+Might we not smash it to bits
+And mould it closer to our hearts' desire?
+		-- Omar Khayyam, tr. FitzGerald
+%
+Oatmeal raisin.
+%
+Objects are lost only because people
+look where they are not rather than where they are.
+%
+O'Brian's Law:
+	Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
+%
+O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the
+thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.
+	"How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?"
+	"Four."
+	"And if the Party says that it is not four but five --
+		then how many?"
+	"Four."
+	The word ended in a gasp of pain.
+		-- George Orwell
+%
+Observe yon plumed biped fine.
+To activate its captivation,
+Deposit on its termination,
+A quantity of particles saline.
+%
+Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
+%
+"Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred."
+		-- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28,
+		   1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view
+		   of the grandstands.
+%
+Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
+%
+OCCAM'S ERASER:
+	The philosophical principle that even the simplest
+	solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
+%
+OCCIDENT:
+	The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.  It is
+	largely inhabited by Christians,  powerful sub-tribe of the
+	Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,
+	which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce."  These, also,
+	are the principal industries of the Orient.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+OCEAN:
+	A body of water occupying about two-thirds
+	of a world made for man -- who has no gills.
+%
+Odets, where is thy sting?
+		-- George S. Kaufman
+%
+Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
+%
+Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this:
+to know so much and have control over nothing.
+		-- Herodotus
+%
+Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
+		-- Plato
+%
+Of all the words of witch's doom
+There's none so bad as which and whom.
+The man who kills both which and whom
+Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
+		-- Fletcher Knebel
+%
+Of all things man is the measure.
+		-- Protagoras
+%
+Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between
+husband and wife.
+%
+Of course it's possible to love a human being
+if you don't know them too well.
+		-- Charles Bukowski
+%
+Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix.  Everyone knows power
+tools aren't soluble in alcohol...
+		-- Crazy Nigel
+%
+Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
+%
+Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.
+After awhile you'd run out of air to push against.
+%
+Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
+%
+Of what you see in books, believe 75%.  Of newspapers, believe 50%.  And of
+TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer.
+%
+Office Automation:
+	The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office
+	by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
+%
+Official Project Stages:
+	1. Uncritical Acceptance
+	2. Wild Enthusiasm
+	3. Dejected Disillusionment
+	4. Total Confusion
+	5. Search for the Guilty
+	6. Punishment of the Innocent
+	7. Promotion of the Non-participants
+%
+Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses
+lampposts -- for support rather than illumination.
+%
+Often things ARE as bad as they seem!
+%
+Ogden's Law:
+	The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
+%
+Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
+%
+Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?
+		-- Pink Floyd
+%
+Oh don't the days seem lank and long
+When all goes right and none goes wrong,
+And isn't your life extremely flat
+With nothing whatever to grumble at!
+%
+Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do?
+They're burning our streets and beating me blue.
+"Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth:
+Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes."
+
+Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove,
+I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth.
+"Now listen my son, although you're confused,
+Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes."
+
+Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share.
+What books ought I read?  What thoughts do I dare?
+"Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware.
+Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair."
+
+Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care?
+Are all races equal?  Are laws just and fair?
+"Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair:
+Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair."
+%
+Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me
+As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
+Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes,
+And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
+Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
+	see if I don't.
+		-- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
+%
+Oh, give me a home,
+Where the buffalo roam,
+And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.
+%
+Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus
+	Where the three-body problem is solved,
+	Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K,
+	And the cold virus never evolved.			(chorus)
+We eat algea pie, our vacuum is high,
+	Our ball bearings are perfectly round.
+	Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed,
+	And a kilogram weighs half a pound.			(chorus)
+If we run out of space for our burgeoning race
+	No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch
+	When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart,
+	If we just find a big enough wrench.			(chorus)
+I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space,
+	And living up here is a bore.
+	Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye
+	'Cause I'm moving next week to L4!			(chorus)
+
+CHORUS:	Home, home on LaGrange,
+	Where the space debris always collects,
+	We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams:
+	Solar power and zero-gee sex.
+		-- to Home on the Range
+%
+Oh give me your pity!
+I'm on a committee,			We attend and amend
+Which means that from morning		And contend and defend
+	to night,			Without a conclusion in sight.
+
+We confer and concur,
+We defer and demur,			We revise the agenda
+And reiterate all of our thoughts.	With frequent addenda
+					And consider a load of reports.
+
+We compose and propose,
+We suppose and oppose,			But though various notions
+And the points of procedure are fun;	Are brought up as motions,
+					There's terribly little gets done.
+
+We resolve and absolve;
+But we never dissolve,
+Since it's out of the question for us
+To bring our committee
+To end like this ditty,
+Which stops with a period, thus.
+		-- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee"
+%
+"Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the
+dog] is good for almost every kind of game.  He went duck hunting one time
+and did real well at it.  Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but,
+you know, farm ducks.  And it got Don Carlos all mixed up.  Since the
+ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he
+wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something.  So one morning
+last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and
+buried them."  "What do you mean, buried them?"  "Oh, he didn't hurt them.
+He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth
+and put them in the holes.  Then he covered them up with mud except for
+their heads.  He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for
+another one when Tony found him.  We talked about it for a long time.  Papa
+said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't
+know how to build a cage he put them in holes.  He's a smart dog."
+		-- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning"
+%
+Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
+	I muck with indices and structs all day
+And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
+	Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
+%
+Oh, I am just a typical American boy
+From a typical American town.
+I believe in God and Senator Dodd
+And keeping old Castro down.
+And when it came my time to serve
+I knew better dead than red,
+But when I got to my old draft board,
+Buddy this is what I said:
+
+Sarge I'm only 18, I got a ruptured spleen
+And I always carry a purse;
+I got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat
+And my asthma's getting worse.
+Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear
+And my poor old invalid aunt;
+Besides I ain't no fool I'm going to school
+And I'm working in a defense plant.
+		-- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
+%
+Oh, I could while away the hours,
+Smoking herbs and flowers,
+Shooting up my veins,
+	De-dum, De-dum, De-dum
+Tell you, I've been a-thinkin'
+I could drive a shiny Lincoln,
+If I dealt in good cocaine.
+		-- To If I Only Had A Brain from "The Wizard of Oz"
+%
+Oh, I don't blame Congress.  If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
+be irresponsible, too.
+		-- Lichty & Wagner
+%
+Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
+And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
+Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
+Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
+You have not dreamed of --
+Wheeled and soared and swung
+High in the sunlit silence.
+Hovering there
+I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
+My eager craft through footless halls of air.
+Up, up along delirious, burning blue
+I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
+Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
+And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
+The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
+Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
+		-- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight"
+%
+Oh I'm just a typical American boy
+From a typical American town.
+I believe in God and Senator Dodd
+And keeping old Castro down.
+And when it came my time to serve
+I knew "Better Dead Than Red",
+But when I got to my old draft board,
+Buddy, this is what I said:
+
+Chorus:
+	Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen,
+	And I always carry a purse!
+	I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat,
+	And my asthma's getting worse!
+	Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear,
+	And my poor old invalid aunt!
+	Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school
+	And I'm a-working in a defense plant!
+		-- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
+%
+Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD?
+My friends all got sources, so why can't I see?
+Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me:
+To hell with the lawyers from AT&T!
+%
+Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one
+arch-enemy -- and that is life.
+		-- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele"
+%
+Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts --
+it's what you do with what you have left.
+		-- Hubert H. Humphrey
+%
+Oh, so there you are!
+%
+Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea.
+He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me.
+No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee.
+He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
+		-- The Smothers Brothers
+%
+Oh this age!  How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
+		-- Gaius Valerius Catullus
+%
+Oh wearisome condition of humanity!
+Born under one law, to another bound.
+		-- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke
+%
+Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
+%
+Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
+		-- Shakespeare
+%
+Oh, when I was in love with you,
+	Then I was clean and brave,
+And miles around the wonder grew
+	How well did I behave.
+
+And now the fancy passes by,
+	And nothing will remain,
+And miles around they'll say that I
+	Am quite myself again.
+		-- A.E. Housman
+%
+Oh, wow!  Look at the moon!
+%
+Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'!  Well, you can call me 'Ray', or
+you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R.J.', or you can call me 'Ray
+J.', or you can call me 'R.J.J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or
+you can call me 'R.J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'...
+%
+Oh yeah?  Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean.
+%
+Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone.
+		-- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane"
+%
+O.K., fine.
+%
+Okay, Okay -- I admit it.  You didn't change that program that worked
+just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the
+executable.  Please forgive me.  You can recover the file by typing in
+the code over again, since I also removed the source.
+%
+Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
+%
+Old age is always fifteen years old than I am.
+		-- B. Baruch
+%
+Old age is the harbor of all ills.
+		-- Bion
+%
+Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
+		-- Trotsky
+%
+Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity.
+%
+Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
+%
+Old Japanese proverb:
+	There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji,
+and those who climb it twice.
+%
+Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
+%
+Old mail has arrived.
+%
+Old men are fond of giving good advice to console
+themselves for their inability to set a bad example.
+		-- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
+%
+Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
+To fetch her poor daughter a dress.
+When she got there, the cupboard was bare
+And so was her daughter, I guess...
+%
+Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
+%
+Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
+%
+Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
+%
+Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
+%
+Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.
+%
+Old timer, n:
+	One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.
+%
+Oliver's Law:
+	Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
+%
+omnibiblious, adj.:
+	Indifferent to type of drink.  Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything.
+	I'm omnibiblious."
+%
+On a clear day, U.C.L.A.
+%
+On a clear disk you can seek forever.
+		-- P. Denning
+%
+On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
+
+"This isn't right.  This isn't even wrong."
+		-- Wolfgang Pauli
+%
+On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on
+a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir.
+
+[One is always a little afraid of love, but
+above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.]
+%
+On ability:
+	A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top;
+	a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.
+		-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD
+%
+On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
+nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
+what it does.
+		-- Will Rogers
+%
+On account of us being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
+nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
+what it does.
+	-- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one
+car looked exactly like his neighbor's.  Stopping hurriedly on the side of
+the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris.
+	"Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let
+you come any closer."
+	"But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man
+explained.
+	"OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned.  "There was a
+decapitation."
+	The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and
+pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length.  "Is this your friend?"
+	"That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said.  "Henry's much
+taller."
+%
+On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the
+proposition that all men are created jerks.
+		-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
+%
+On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the
+same moment -- halftime.
+%
+On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.
+%
+On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little
+girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers.  "God bless Mommy and Daddy and
+Keith and Kim," she said.  As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh,
+and God, this is goodbye.  We're moving to Hollywood."
+%
+On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a POINT.
+%
+On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without
+a purpose, but never without a POINT.
+%
+On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
+		-- W.C. Fields' epitaph
+%
+On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr.
+Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
+come out?"  I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of
+ideas that could provoke such a question.
+		-- Charles Babbage
+%
+Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew,
+and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
+		-- W.C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
+%
+Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
+		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+Once, adv.: Enough.
+%
+Once again dread deed is done.
+Canon sleeps,
+his all-knowing eye shaded
+to human chance and circumstance.
+Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley,
+but Canon's sleep is troubled.
+
+Beware, scant days past the Ides of July.
+Impatient hands wait eagerly
+to grasp, to hold
+scant moments of time
+wrested from life in the full
+glory of Canon's power;
+held captive by his unblinking eye.
+
+Three golden orbs stand watch;
+one each to toll the day, hour, minute
+until predestiny decrees his reawakening.
+When that feared moment arives,
+"Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
+It tolls for thee."
+		-- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine
+		   Valley Pawn Shop today"
+%
+Once Again From the Top
+
+Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously
+reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman
+in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and
+lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular
+homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that
+he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on
+George Wilson.  Each of these items was erroneous material published
+inadvertently.  He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the
+lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with
+vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.
+The Herald regrets the errors."
+		-- "The Progressive", March, 1987
+%
+Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each
+of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
+	In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
+called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and
+went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank.  People passing
+each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!"
+or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
+...
+	Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
+with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them.  Holiday shoppers
+have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and
+they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag.  If your
+children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus;
+that ought to shut them up.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir,
+that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".  Disraeli
+replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your principals or your
+mistress".
+%
+Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
+		-- Homer
+%
+Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his 
+roars.  Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
+forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
+the railroad yards."
+		-- H.L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan,
+		   counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution
+		   law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
+%
+Once I finally figured out all of life's
+answers, they changed the questions.
+%
+Once, I read that a man be never stronger
+than when he truly realizes how weak he is.
+		-- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"
+%
+Once is happenstance,
+Twice is coincidence,
+Three times is enemy action.
+		-- Auric Goldfinger
+%
+Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to
+sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer.
+%
+Once Law was sitting on the bench
+	And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
+"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
+	Nor come before me creeping.
+Upon you knees if you appear,
+'Tis plain you have no standing here."
+
+Then Justice came.  His Honor cried:
+	"YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
+"Amica curiae," she replied --
+	"Friend of the court, so please you."
+"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
+I never saw your face before!"
+%
+Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings
+infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can
+grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it
+possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
+		-- Rainer Rilke
+%
+Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
+		-- H.R. Haldeman
+%
+Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,
+And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,
+And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,
+He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)
+And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,
+He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,
+And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!
+	And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!
+And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,
+And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,
+The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,
+But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!
+Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,
+And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,
+But all they ever found was this:  "panic: never doubt",
+	And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!
+When the day is done and the moon comes out,
+And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,
+When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,
+And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,
+You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,
+	Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!
+%
+Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem.  You see, during
+a portion of Beethovan's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
+parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around.  So,
+to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
+end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
+page of the score before the bass cue.  As the basses grew more and more
+inebriated, two of them fell asleep.  The conductor grew quite nervous (he
+was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth;
+the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.
+%
+Once upon a time there...
+%
+Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear.  The peasants
+were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was
+to become a Royal Knight.  This required an interview with the bear.  If
+the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot.  If not, the bear would
+just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw.  However, the family
+of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful
+sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable
+possession.  And the moral of the story is:
+ 
+The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that
+hit you.
+%
+Once upon this midnight incoherent,
+While you pondered sentient and crystalline,
+Over many a broken and subordinate
+Volume of gnarly lore,
+While I pestered, nearly singing,
+Sudddenly there came a hewing,
+As of someone profusely skulking,
+Skulking at my chamber door.
+%
+Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
+%
+Once you've tried to change the world you find
+it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind.
+%
+"One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket".
+%
+One Bell System - it sometimes works.
+%
+One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!
+%
+One Bell System - it works.
+%
+One big pile is better than two little piles.
+		-- Arlo Guthrie
+%
+One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
+		-- Helen Keller
+%
+One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the
+mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.
+		-- J. Gustav White
+%
+One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
+how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
+%
+One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
+%
+One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast
+to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists,
+a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also
+just stupid.
+		-- J.D. Watson, "The Double Helix"
+%
+One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his
+attic.  He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in cloud of smoke.
+	"Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For
+releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
+	The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan
+resurrected.  I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish
+border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home."
+	"No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie.  "Your second wish?"
+	"Hmmmm.  I want Genghis Khan resurrected.  I want him to re-unite the
+Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade,
+and march back home."
+	"But...  well, all right!  Your third wish?"
+	"I want Genghis Khan resurrected.  I want him to re-unite his ---"
+	"OKOKOKOK!  Right.  Got it.  Why do you want Genghis Khan to march
+to Poland three times and never invade?"
+	The old man smiles.  "He has to pass through Russia six times."
+%
+One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout were
+flying together in an airplane.  Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane
+developed engine trouble and started to go down.  Unfortunately, only three
+parachutes could be found for the four passengers!  Brezhnev grabbed one of
+the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers
+revolution, my life must be spared."  And he jumped out of the plane.  Then
+Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the
+world safe for democracy."  And with that he too jumped to safety.  Now if
+you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
+there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers.  The Pope
+looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive
+life, my son.  You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands."  "That's
+very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need.  Reagan
+just jumped out with my knapsack."
+%
+One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the
+truth.  A gallows was erected in front of the city gates.  A herald announced,
+"Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question
+which will be put to him."  Nasrudin was first in line.  The captain of the
+guard asked him, "Where are you going?  Tell the truth -- the alternative
+is death by hanging."
+	"I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows."
+	"I don't believe you."
+	"Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!"
+	"But that would make it the truth!"
+	"Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
+%
+One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and
+decides to do something about it.  He calls up his best friend, who is a
+mathematical genius.  "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some
+way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track?  We could
+make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life."  The mathematician thinks
+this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself.
+	A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any
+success.  The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes,
+actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but
+there a number of details to be figured out.
+	After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house,
+looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have
+some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right
+track."
+	At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by
+pounding on his door at three in the morning.  He has dark circles under his
+eyes.  His hair hasn't been combed for many days.  He appears to be wearing
+the same clothes as the last time.  He has several pencils sticking out from
+behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face.  "WE CAN DO
+IT!  WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!!
+And it's so EASY!  First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple
+harmonic motion..."
+%
+One day,
+A mad meta-poet,
+With nothing to say,
+Wrote a mad meta-poem
+That started: "One day,
+A mad meta-poet,
+With nothing to say,
+Wrote a mad meta-poem
+That started: "One day,
+[...]
+sort of close".
+Were the words that the poet,
+Finally chose,
+To bring his mad poem,
+To some sort of close".
+Were the words that the poet,
+Finally chose,
+To bring his mad poem,
+To some sort of close".
+%
+One difference between a man and a machine
+is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.
+%
+One doesn't have a sense of humor.  It has you.
+		-- Larry Gelbart
+%
+One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick
+Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car
+conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company.  While they were discussing the
+merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent.  Malone turns around to see
+his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.
+	Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her
+full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has
+been havin' all these years."
+	Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary
+Malone.  He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye.  The bar is
+totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the
+drink.  She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and
+passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact
+with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.
+	Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her
+head.  Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these
+years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
+%
+One expresses well the love he does not feel.
+		-- J.A. Karr
+%
+One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
+%
+One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
+		-- George Herbert
+%
+One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
+Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
+a rivalry of aim.
+		-- Henry Brook Adams
+%
+One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus.
+		-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon"
+%
+One good reason why computers can do more work than
+people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
+%
+One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
+%
+One good thing about music,
+Well, it helps you feel no pain.
+So hit me with music;
+Hit me with music now.
+		-- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock"
+%
+One good turn asketh another.
+		-- John Heywood
+%
+One good turn deserves another.
+		-- Gaius Petronius
+%
+One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
+%
+One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines
+and end up with the atomic bomb.
+		-- Marcel Pagnol
+%
+One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.
+	-- Confucius
+%
+One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
+		-- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
+%
+One is often kept in the right road by a rut.
+		-- Gustave Droz
+%
+ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in
+ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
+%
+One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
+%
+One man's constant is another man's variable.
+		-- A.J. Perlis
+%
+One man's folly is another man's wife.
+		-- Helen Rowland
+%
+One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
+"Supernatural" is a null word.
+%
+One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
+		-- George M. Cohan
+%
+One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
+%
+One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends
+can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
+		-- Clifton Fadiman
+%
+One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
+%
+One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens
+without laughing.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
+%
+One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.
+%
+One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from
+one end to the other.  Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70
+percent discipline, like learning Latin.  But the good parts are, of course,
+simply amazing.  God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good,
+nobody can touch him.
+		-- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983
+%
+One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an 
+advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from
+mathematics.
+		-- N. Wiener
+%
+One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old
+enough to give you presents they make at school.
+		-- Robert Byrne
+%
+One of the large consolations for experiencing anything
+unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it.
+		-- Joyce Carol Oates
+%
+One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
+do and always a clever thing to say.
+		-- Will Durant
+%
+One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with
+Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just
+to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't
+be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
+to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't
+understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid.  He was
+reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the
+time, which obviously worried him, hence the act.  He preferred people to be
+puzzled rather than contemptuous.  This above all appeared to Trillian to be
+genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
+		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is...  If they do
+foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.
+		-- Joe Martin
+%
+One of the most striking differences between a
+cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they
+need no answer.
+		-- George Gordon, Lord Byron
+%
+One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
+seat to another passenger.  This may seem callous, but it is the best
+way, really.  If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted
+in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and
+imagine they were in Topeka Kansas.
+%
+One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he
+once had a publisher shot.
+		-- Siegfried Unseld
+%
+One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.
+%
+One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a
+thief who was to be executed.  As he was taken away he made a bargain with
+the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing
+hymns.  The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and
+laughed.  "You will not succeed," they told him.  "No one can."
+	To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might
+happen in that time.  The king might die.  The horse might die.  I might die.
+And perhaps the horse will learn to sing.
+		-- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle
+%
+One organism, one vote.
+%
+One person's error is another person's data.
+%
+One picture is worth 128K words.
+%
+One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
+		-- Chinese proverb
+%
+One pill makes you larger		And if you go chasing rabbits
+And, one pill makes you small.		And you know you're going to fall.
+And the ones that mother gives you,	Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
+Don't do anything at all.		Has given you the call.
+Go ask Alice				Call Alice
+When she's ten feet tall.		When she was just small.
+
+When men on the chessboard		When logic and proportion
+Get up and tell you where to go.	Have fallen sloppy dead,
+And you've just had some kind of	And the White Knight is talking
+	mushroom				backwards
+And your mind is moving low.		And the Red Queen's lost her head
+Go ask Alice				Remember what the dormouse said:
+I think she'll know.				Feed your head.
+						Feed your head.
+						Feed your head.
+		-- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit"
+%
+One planet is all you get.
+%
+One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan
+is that there never was a plan in the first place.
+%
+One possible reason why things aren't going
+according to plan is that there never was a plan.
+%
+One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
+manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that they be
+installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips.  Let's say your
+congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding study on how
+the French government handles diseases transmitted by sherbet.  Just when
+he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, strapped around his waist, would
+inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus rendering him too large to fit through the
+plane door.  It could also be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman
+proposed a law.  ("Mr. Speaker, people ask me, why should October be
+designated as Cuticle Inspection Month?  And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.")
+This would save millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public
+would violently support a law requiring airbags on congressmen.  The problem
+is that your potential market is very small: there are only around 500
+members of congress.
+%
+One reason why George Washington
+Is held in such veneration:
+He never blamed his problems
+On the former Administration.
+		-- George O. Ludcke
+%
+One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there
+should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles
+to San Diego.  We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some
+virtually empty.  They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded
+and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other.  Obviously
+many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that
+people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach
+is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes.
+		-- Ronald Reagan
+%
+One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
+%
+One should always be in love.  That is the reason one should never marry.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+ONE SIZE FITS ALL:
+	Doesn't fit anyone.
+%
+One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.
+%
+One thing about the past.
+It's likely to last.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked.  For instance, I was going to take
+my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out
+warehouse.  "Oh, oh," I said.  "Disneyland burned down."  He cried and
+cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.
+
+I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
+late.
+		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+One thing the inventors can't seem to
+get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
+%
+One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
+sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer
+terror.
+		-- W.K. Hartmann
+%
+One thought driven home is better than three left on base.
+%
+One time the police stopped me for speeding.  They said, "Don't you know the
+speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour?"  I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't
+going to be out that long."
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+One toke over the line, sweet Mary,
+One toke over the line,
+Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
+One toke over the line.
+Waitin' for the train that goes home,
+Hopin' that the train is on time,
+Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
+One toke over the line.
+%
+One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
+%
+One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at
+the stake while the votes were being counted.
+		-- Thomas B. Reed
+%
+One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so,
+because they bite.
+		-- Vladimir Lenin
+%
+One-Shot Case Study, n:
+	The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
+it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green.
+%
+On-line:
+	The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
+%
+Only a fool has no doubts.
+%
+Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
+		-- Laurence Peter
+%
+Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
+%
+Only fools are quoted.
+		-- Anonymous
+%
+Only God can make random selections.
+%
+Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+
+Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style.
+		-- The Unnamed Usenetter
+%
+Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
+essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
+		-- Alex Levine
+
+[Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are
+hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease.  Ed.]
+%
+Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right
+to use the editorial "we".
+%
+Only someone with nothing to be sorry for
+smiles back at the rear of an elephant.
+%
+Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
+		-- Baba Ram Dass
+%
+Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by 
+placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer," 
+and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
+food.  But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours 
+unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
+and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed?  It's a 
+modest price to pay.  For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power 
+that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations.  Hail,
+postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
+the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum.  The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
+May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply.
+		-- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83
+%
+Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.
+		-- Hannah Arendt
+%
+Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are
+busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.
+		-- Lao Tsu
+%
+Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women.
+%
+Only two kinds of witnesses exist.  The first live in a neighborhood where
+a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything
+or even heard a shot.  The second category are the neighbors of anyone who
+happens to be accused of the crime.  These have always looked out of their
+windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing
+peacefully on his balcony a few yards away.
+		-- Sicilian police officer
+%
+Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one
+of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
+%
+Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer.
+%
+Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
+%
+Onward through the fog.
+%
+Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.
+%
+Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes.
+		-- Debbie VanDam
+%
+Opium is very cheap considering you don't
+feel like eating for the next six days.
+		-- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite
+%
+Oppernockity tunes but once.
+%
+Opportunities are usually disguised as hard
+work, so most people don't recognize them.
+%
+Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the wierdest people to
+talk to.  And you just HAVE to watch it.  "Blind, masochistic minority,
+crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love
+them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
+%
+Optimism is the content of small men in high places.
+		-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"
+%
+Optimism, n:
+The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad,
+and everything right that is wrong.  It is held with greatest tenacity by
+those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded
+with the grin that apes a smile.  Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible
+to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment
+but death.  It is hereditary, but not contagious.
+%
+OPTIMIST:
+	A proponent of the belief that black is white.
+
+	A pessimist asked God for relief.
+	"Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
+	"No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
+would justify them."
+	"The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
+something -- the mortality of the optimist."
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+OPTIMIST:
+	Someone who goes down to the marriage
+	bureau to see if his license has expired.
+%
+optimist, n:
+	A bagpiper with a beeper.
+%
+Optimization hinders evolution.
+%
+Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes.  I would rather it were you.
+I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but
+we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.
+		-- J. Wellington Wells
+%
+Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.
+		-- Germaine Greer
+%
+Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
+%
+Order and simplification are the first steps toward
+mastery of  a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown.
+		-- Thomas Mann
+%
+OREGON:
+	Eighty billion gallons of water with
+	no place to go on Saturday night.
+%
+O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
+Cleanliness is next to impossible
+%
+Oreo
+%
+Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
+Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
+		-- Mike Adams
+%
+Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born
+to people you could not have possibly met.
+		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
+%
+Osborn's Law:
+	Variables won't; constants aren't.
+%
+Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
+%
+Other women cloy
+The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
+Where most she satisfies.
+		-- Antony and Cleopatra
+%
+Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently.
+%
+Others will look to you for stability,
+so hide when you bite your nails.
+%
+O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
+	Murphy was an optimist.
+%
+Ouch!  That felt good!
+		-- Karen Gordon
+%
+"Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big
+system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'"
+
+"TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make
+any difference if it takes a while to fix it."
+		-- Ken Olson, in Digital News, 1988
+%
+Our business in life is not to succeed
+but to continue to fail in high spirits.
+		-- Robert Louis Stevenson
+%
+Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the
+local Army National Guard base.  He recently received a substational cash
+award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning.
+His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year
+by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own,
+home-made, hand-held model.
+
+Not suprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit
+to the Pentagon free of charge:
+
+	a. Don't kill anybody.
+	b. Don't build things that do.
+	c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody.
+
+We expect annual savings to be in the billions.
+		-- Sojourners
+%
+Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars,
+but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.
+%
+Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the office.
+He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both
+holding bags of popcorn.  We were both holding bottles of juice.  But only
+*he* had a lollipop.
+	He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
+	Her reply: "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to.  That's
+what it means to be a programmer."
+%
+Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a
+continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national
+emergency...  Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we
+did not blindly rally behind it  by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded.
+Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never
+to have been quite real.
+		-- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
+%
+Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
+%
+Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide.
+		-- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte
+%
+Our little systems have their day;
+They have their day and cease to be;
+They are but broken lights of thee.
+		-- Tennyson
+%
+Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
+Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
+In kernel as it is in user.
+%
+Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict.  They didn't want us
+to grow up to be spoiled and rich.  If we left our tennis racquets in the
+rain, we were punished.
+		-- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic
+%
+Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
+		-- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries
+%
+Our problems are so serious that the best
+way to talk about them is lightheartedly.
+%
+Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.
+We their sons are more worthless than they:
+so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.
+		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+Our swords shall play the orators for us.
+		-- Christopher Marlowe
+%
+Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
+In all of the directions it can whiz;
+As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
+Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
+So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
+How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
+And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
+'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
+		-- Monty Python
+%
+Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
+		-- General Omar N. Bradley
+%
+Ours is a world where people don't know what they
+want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
+%
+Out of sight is out of mind.
+		-- Arthur Clough
+%
+Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.
+		-- Immanuel Kant
+%
+Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
+%
+Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.  Inside a dog it's too
+dark to read.
+%
+Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.  Inside of a dog, it is too
+dark to read.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.  Inside of a dog, it's too
+dark to read.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+Over the shoulder supervision is more a
+need of the manager than the programming task.
+%
+Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
+complementary directions:  to reduce the number of software errors through
+rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining
+errors by providing for recovery from them.  An interesting footnote to this
+design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the
+result of two program errors:  the first, in the program that started the
+problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the
+system.
+		-- A.L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual Storage
+		   Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 Concepts and
+		   Philosophies," IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4.
+%
+Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will
+continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually
+powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate.  Afterwards the
+victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking
+move?'
+		-- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course"
+%
+Overdrawn?  But I still have checks left!
+%
+Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
+%
+Overheard:
+	"How do I feel?  Great!  And I kiss pretty good, too!"
+%
+Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
+%
+Owe no man any thing...
+		-- Romans 13:8
+%
+Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard.  It is fatal in
+concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m.  Humans exposed to the
+oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes.  Symptoms resemble very
+much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.).  In higher
+concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it
+takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place.  The reason
+for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of
+oxygen in 20% concentration.  It apparently contributes to a complex
+process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is
+always fatal.
+
+However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the
+fact it is habit forming.  The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
+sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent.  After that, any
+considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with
+symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning.
+
+Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard.  All of the fires that were reported in
+the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be
+due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings
+in question.
+
+Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
+tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is
+too late.
+		-- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956
+%
+Ozman's Laws:
+	(1)  If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't.
+	(2)  The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
+	(3)  People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
+	(4)  Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
+%
+paak, n:	A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a
+			a vehicle) for a time in a certain location.
+patato, n:	The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant.
+Septemba, n:	The 9th month of the year.
+shua, n:	Having no doubt; certain.
+sista, n:	A female having the same mother and father as the speaker.
+tamato, n:	A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads
+			or as a vegetable.
+troopa, n:	A state policeman.
+Wista, n:	A city in central Masschewsetts.
+yaad, n:	A tract of ground adjacent to a building.
+		-- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
+%
+PAIN:
+	Falling out of a twenty story building,
+	and snagging your eyelid on a nail.
+%
+PAIN:
+	One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
+%
+PAIN:
+	Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol.
+%
+Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
+%
+Pandora's Rule:
+	Never open a box you didn't close.
+%
+panic: can't find /
+%
+panic: kernal segmentation violation. core dumped		(only kidding)
+%
+Paprika Measure:
+
+	2 dashes    ==  1smidgen
+	2 smidgens  ==  1 pinch
+	3 pinches   ==  1 soupcon
+	2 soupcons  ==  too much paprika
+%
+Paralysis through analysis.
+%
+PARANOIA:
+	A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
+%
+Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.
+%
+Paranoia is heightened awareness.
+%
+Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
+%
+Paranoid Club meeting this Friday.
+Now ... just try to find out where!
+%
+Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy
+to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
+		-- D.J. Hicks
+%
+Pardon me while I laugh.
+%
+Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they
+didn't have much of anything to do with it.
+%
+Parkinson's Fifth Law:
+	If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
+	bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
+%
+Parkinson's Fourth Law:
+	The number of people in any working group tends to increase
+	regardless of the amount of work to be done.
+%
+Parsley is gharsley.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
+%
+PARTY:
+	A gathering where you meet people who drink
+	so much you can't even remember their names.
+%
+Pascal:
+	A programming language named after a man who would turn over
+	in his grave if he knew about it.
+		-- Datamation, January 15, 1984
+%
+Pascal:
+	A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his
+	grave if he knew about it.
+%
+Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.
+		-- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan
+%
+Pascal is not a high-level language.
+		-- Steven Feiner
+%
+Pascal Users:
+	The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol.
+	Please modify your programs accordingly.
+%
+Pascal Users:
+	To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
+	death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
+%
+Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
+		-- Eric Hoffer
+%
+Password:
+%
+Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
+%
+Paster Crosstalk:	What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being
+	unclean?  Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises...
+	All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't
+	eat those.  Nothing that does not have both fins and scales.  Most
+	CREEPING things...
+Alvarado:	How 'bout caterpillars?
+P:	A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone.  Nothing without a backbone
+	can get in.
+A:	How do you know?  You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff!
+P:	Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED
+	CATERPILLARS!
+[...]
+P:	The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels.  Who would want to eat
+	a LITTLE SQUIRREL?
+A:	If you're starving.  If you're starving in the park one day.
+P:	You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya?
+A:	No, you SINGE 'em.  You SINGE 'em and eat 'em.  *I* read about the
+	Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry.
+P:	Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick!
+A:	That's sick, SURE.  But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh)
+	par for the course, Charlie.
+		-- Firesign Theatre
+%
+Patch griefs with proverbs.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
+%
+patent:
+	A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
+%
+"Pathetic," he said.  "That's what it is.  Pathetic."
+(crosses stream)
+"As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side."
+		-- Eyeore
+%
+Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers
+%
+Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
+		-- Titus Maccius Plautus
+%
+Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
+		-- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell
+
+In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
+resort of the scoundrel.  With all due respect to an enlightened but
+inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+
+When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel,
+he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform.
+		-- Sen. Roscoe Conkling
+
+Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
+		-- Boies Penrose
+%
+Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Pauca sed matura.  (Few but excellent.)
+		-- Gauss
+%
+Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
+%
+Paulg's Law:
+	In America, it's not how much an
+	item costs, it's how much you save.
+%
+Paul's Law:
+	You can't fall off the floor.
+%
+Pause for storage relocation.
+%
+paycheck:
+	The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal
+	withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA,
+	medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance,
+	Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
+%
+Payeen to a Twang
+Derrida
+Ore-Ida
+potato.
+
+If you dared,
+I'd ask you
+to go dig
+up your ides under brown-
+tubered skies.
+
+where pitchforked
+you will ask
+Derrida?
+%
+Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.
+%
+Peace cannot be kept by force; it
+can only be achieved by understanding.
+		-- A. Einstein
+%
+Peace is much more precious than a piece
+of land... let there be no more wars.
+		-- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981
+%
+Peace, n:
+	In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
+	periods of fighting.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Peanut Blossoms
+
+4 cups sugar           16 tbsp. milk
+4 cups brown sugar     4 tsp. vanilla
+4 cups shortening      14 cups flour
+8 eggs                 4 tsp. soda
+4 cups peanut butter   4 tsp. salt
+
+Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased
+cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes.  Immediately top
+each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly
+to crack cookie.  Makes a hell of a lot.
+%
+Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
+	Never eat rutabaga on any day of
+	the week that has a "y" in it.
+%
+pediddel:
+	A car with only one working headlight.
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984
+when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame.  Second
+baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws.  Other players were
+diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch.  At the same time, Guerrero,
+at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager
+Tom Lasorda's stomach.  Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous
+motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third
+base like that?  You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball.
+What is it?"
+	"I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said.  "First, `I
+hope they don't hit the ball to me.'"  The players snickered, and even
+Lasorda had to fight off a laugh.  "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball
+to Sax.'"
+		-- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
+%
+Peeping Tom:
+	A window fan.
+%
+Peers's Law:
+The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
+%
+Pelorat sighed.
+	"I will never understand people."
+	"There's nothing to it.  All you have to do is take a close look
+at yourself and you will understand everyone else.  How would Seldon have
+worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was --
+if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people
+weren't easy to understand?  You show me someone who can't understand
+people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself
+-- no offense intended."
+		-- Asimov, "Foundation's Edge"
+%
+Penguin Trivia #46:
+	Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
+%
+PENGUINICITY!!
+%
+pension:
+	A federally insured chain letter.
+%
+People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of
+attention) have often been likened to snowflakes.  This analogy is meant to
+suggest that each is unique -- no two alike.  This is quite patently not the
+case.  People ... are simply a dime a dozen.  And, I hasten to add, their
+only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable
+tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush.
+		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
+%
+People are always available for work in the past tense.
+%
+People are beginning to notice you.
+Try dressing before you leave the house.
+%
+People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry.
+%
+People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.
+%
+People don't change; they only become more so.
+%
+People don't make the same mistake twice -- they make it three times,
+four times...
+%
+People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three
+times, four time, five times...
+%
+People in general do not willingly read
+if they have anything else to amuse them.
+		-- S. Johnson
+%
+People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.
+	-- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an
+election.
+		-- Otto Von Bismarck
+%
+People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction
+rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.
+		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
+%
+People often find it easier to be a
+result of the past than a cause of the future.
+%
+People respond to people who respond.
+%
+People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they
+*know* me there!
+		-- D.L. Roth
+%
+People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people
+have been left out on the pleasure.
+		-- Russell Baker
+%
+People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here,"
+absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the
+public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in
+the concentration camps.
+%
+People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
+%
+People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something
+to die for.  The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for
+it too.
+%
+People think love is an emotion.  Love is good sense.
+		-- Ken Kesey
+%
+People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed.
+%
+People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get
+much better press than people who are just funny and smart.
+		-- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
+%
+People who claim they don't let little things bother
+them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
+%
+People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
+		-- Abigail Van Buren
+%
+People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
+%
+People who have no faults are terrible;
+there is no way of taking advantage of them.
+%
+People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't
+what they want that they don't want it.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+People who have what they want are very fond of telling
+people who haven't what they want that they don't want it.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.
+%
+People who push both buttons should get their wish.
+%
+People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
+%
+People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have
+cold baths.
+%
+People who think they know everything
+greatly annoy those of us who do.
+%
+People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin
+Franklin said it first.
+%
+People will accept your ideas much more readily if
+you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
+%
+People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
+%
+People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
+%
+People's Action Rules:
+	(1) Some people who can, shouldn't.
+	(2) Some people who should, won't.
+	(3) Some people who shouldn't, will.
+	(4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
+	(5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
+%
+Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer.
+		-- R.W. Hamming
+%
+Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
+[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
+or
+[May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]
+		-- Aelius Donatus
+%
+Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
+%
+perfect guest:
+	One who makes his host feel at home.
+%
+Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer
+anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
+		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
+%
+Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything
+to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
+		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
+%
+Performance:
+	A statement of the speed at which a computer system works.  Or
+	rather, might work under certain circumstances.  Or was rumored
+	to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
+%
+Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.
+I myself would say that it had merely been detected.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy
+poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.
+		-- Thomas Macaulay
+%
+Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.
+%
+Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would
+behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in
+order to get power we would have to become very much like them.  (Lenin's
+fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)
+%
+Perhaps the world's second words crime is boredom.  The first is
+being a bore.
+		-- Cecil Beaton
+%
+Perilous to all of us are the devices of
+an art deeper than we ourselves possess.
+		-- Gandalf the Grey
+%
+Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way.  "The cost may be
+upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be
+nearly 10m#.  "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable
+news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris.  "Rarely does
+the 'Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been
+prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a
+periphrasis for November, and another for lingers.  "The answer is in the
+negative" is a periphrasis for No.  "Was made the recipient of" is a
+periphrasis for Was presented with.  The periphrasis style is hardly possible
+on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis,
+case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack,
+nature, reference, regard, respect".  The existence of abstract nouns is a
+proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of
+civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are
+by many held to be inseparable.  These good people feel that there is an almost
+indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news
+instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory
+developments."
+		-- Fowler's English Usage
+%
+Persistence in one opinion has never been considered
+a merit in political leaders.
+		-- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC
+%
+Personifiers of the world, unite!
+You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
+		-- Bernadette Bosky
+%
+Personifiers Unite!  You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
+%
+Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
+persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
+to find a plot in it will be shot.  By Order of the Author
+		-- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
+%
+pessimist:
+	A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the
+	wolf from the door.
+
+optimist:
+	A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of
+	his pants.
+
+opportunist:
+	A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.
+%
+Pete:	Waiter, this meat is bad.
+Waiter:	Who told you?
+Pete:	A little swallow.
+%
+Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch.
+%
+Peter's Law of Substitution:
+	Look after the molehills, and the
+	mountains will look after themselves.
+
+Peter's Principle of Success:
+	Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
+
+Peter's Principle:
+	In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of
+	his incompetence.
+%
+Peterson's Admonition:
+	When you think you're going down for the third time --
+	just remember that you may have counted wrong.
+%
+Peterson's Rules:
+	(1) Trucks that overturn on freeways
+		are filled with something sticky.
+	(2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
+	(3) Things that tick are not always clocks.
+	(4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
+%
+petribar:
+	Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
+	the window of a vending machine too long.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Phasers locked on target, Captain.
+%
+Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so
+because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersy.
+%
+Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
+%
+philosophy:
+	The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.
+%
+philosophy:
+	Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
+%
+Phone call for chucky-pooh.
+%
+phosflink:
+	To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that
+	will bring it back to life).
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Photographing a volcano is just about
+the most miserable thing you can do.
+		-- Robert B. Goodman
+		[Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10.  Ed.]
+%
+Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
+farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than
+chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.
+		-- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married"
+%
+Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream,
+I wonder how the old folks are tonight,
+Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face,
+She left me not knowing what to do.
+
+Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you,
+Carefree Highway, you seen better days,
+The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes,
+Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you...
+
+Turning back the pages to the times I love best,
+I wonder if she'll ever do the same,
+Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied,
+With knowing I got noone left to blame.
+Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame...
+
+Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep,
+I wonder if the years have closed her mind,
+I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free,
+From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew.
+		-- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway"
+%
+Pickle's Law:
+	If Congress must do a painful thing,
+	the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
+%
+Piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
+Not one damn thing do we solve.
+		-- 1776
+%
+Pie are not square.  Pie are round.  Cornbread are square.
+%
+Piece of cake!
+		-- G.S. Koblas
+%
+pig, n:
+	An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by
+	the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
+	inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Pilfering Treasure property is paticularly dangerous: big thieves are
+ruthless in punishing little thieves.
+		-- Diogenes
+%
+Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs.
+		-- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988
+%
+Piping down the valleys wild,
+Piping songs of pleasant glee,
+On a cloud I saw a child,
+And he laughing said to me:
+"Pipe a song about a Lamb!"
+So I piped with merry cheer.
+"Piper, pipe that song again;"
+So I piped: he wept to hear.
+		-- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence"
+%
+Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidently dropped
+the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician
+outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot.
+		-- Love and Rockets
+%
+PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
+	You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed
+	by the CIA or FBI.  You have minor influence over your associates
+	and people resent your flaunting of your power.  You lack confidence
+	and you are generally a coward.  Pisces people do terrible things to
+	small animals.
+%
+PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
+	Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American
+	Express card and a weapon.  The world is yours today, as nobody
+	else wants it.  Your mortgage will be foreclosed.  You will probably
+	get run over by a bus.
+%
+PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20)
+	You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today.
+	It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the
+	job you wanted.  Don't lend anyone a car today.  You don't have
+	a car.
+%
+pixel, n:
+	A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
+	The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology:
+	Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial
+	intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
+%
+P-K4
+%
+PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more
+to the problem set than to the solution set.
+		-- E.W. Dijkstra
+%
+Plagiarize, plagiarize,
+Let no man's work evade your eyes,
+Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
+Don't shade your eyes,
+But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.
+Only be sure to call it research.
+		-- Tom Lehrer
+%
+Planet Claire has pink hair.
+All the trees are red.
+No one ever dies there.
+No one has a head....
+%
+Plastic...  Aluminum...  These are the inheritors of the Universe!
+Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!
+		-- Green Lantern Comics
+%
+Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
+because they were liars.  The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
+couldn't compete successfully with poets.
+		-- Kilgore Trout, "Venus on the Half Shell"
+%
+PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP:
+	What develops when two people get
+	tired of making love to each other.
+%
+Please do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
+%
+Please don't put a strain on our friendship
+by asking me to do something for you.
+%
+Please don't recommend me to your friends--
+it's difficult enough to cope with you alone.
+%
+PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!
+
+Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer,
+	 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.
+%
+Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle,
+I sometimes forget which side I'm on.
+%
+Please go away.
+%
+Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.
+%
+Please ignore previous fortune.
+%
+Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
+%
+Please, Mother!  I'd rather do it myself!
+%
+Please remain calm, it's no use both of
+us being hysterical at the same time.
+%
+Please stand for the Nation Anthem:
+
+	O Canada
+	Our home and native land
+	True patriot love
+	In all thy sons' command
+	With glowing hearts we see thee rise
+	The true north strong and free
+	From far and wide, O Canada
+	We stand on guard for thee
+	God keep our land glorious and free
+	O Canada we stand on guard for thee
+	O Canada we stand on guard for thee
+
+Thank you.  You may resume your seat.
+%
+Please stand for the National Anthem:
+
+	Australian's all, let us rejoice,
+	For we are young and free.
+	We've golden soil and wealth for toil
+	Our home is girt by sea.
+	Our land abounds in nature's gifts
+	Of beauty rich and rare.
+	In history's page, let every stage
+	Advance Australia Fair.
+	In joyful strains then let us sing,
+	Advance Australia Fair.
+
+Thank you.  You may resume your seat.
+%
+Please stand for the National Anthem:
+
+	God save our Gracious Queen!
+	Long live our Noble Queen!
+	God save the Queen!
+	Send her victorious,
+	Happy and glorious,
+	Long to reign o'er us!
+	God save the Queen!
+
+Thank you.  You may resume your seat.
+%
+Please stand for the National Anthem:
+
+	Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light
+	What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
+	Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight
+	O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
+	And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
+	Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
+	Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
+	O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
+
+Thank you.  You may resume your seat.
+%
+Please take note:
+%
+Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
+until you are told that those rooms are "punched out."  Once punched out,
+we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.
+		-- N. Meyrowitz
+%
+Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
+%
+PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the
+solution set.
+		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
+%
+Plots are like girdles.  Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're
+of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain
+an uncontainable experience.
+		-- R.S. Knapp
+%
+PLUG IT IN!!!
+%
+Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose.
+%
+Pohl's law:
+	Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
+%
+poisoned coffee, n:
+	Grounds for divorce.
+%
+Poland has gun control.
+%
+Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to
+teach children.
+		-- W.H. Auden
+%
+Political speeches are like steer horns.  A point
+here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween.
+		-- Alfred E. Neuman
+%
+Political television commercials prove one thing: some candidates
+can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
+%
+POLITICIAN:
+	From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete' ("head" or
+	"face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face).
+	Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces.
+		-- Martin Pitt
+%
+Politicians are the same everywhere.  They promise
+to build a bridge even where there is no river.
+		-- Nikita Khrushchev
+%
+Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
+		-- Arthur C. Clarke
+%
+Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have
+been, and never will be wrong.
+		-- Walter Dwight
+%
+Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
+funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.
+		-- Oscar Ameringer
+%
+Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and
+without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in
+for politics.
+	-- Albert Camus
+%
+Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as
+dangerous.  In war, you can only be killed once.
+		-- Winston Churchill
+%
+Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the
+systematic organisation of hatreds.
+		-- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams"
+%
+Politics is like coaching a football team.  You have to be smart
+enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
+%
+Politics is not the art of the possible.  It consists in choosing
+between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
+		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
+%
+Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.  I have come to
+realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
+	-- Ronald Reagan
+%
+Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next
+week, next month and next year.  And to have the ability afterwards to
+explain why it didn't happen.
+		-- Winston Churchill
+%
+Politics, like religion, hold up the
+torches of matrydom to the reformers of error.
+		-- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.
+		-- Amy Gorin
+%
+politics, n:
+	A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
+	The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
+	The hyperactive child is never absent.
+%
+POLYGON:
+	Dead parrot.
+%
+Polymer physicists are into chains.
+%
+Poorman's Rule:
+	When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser
+	package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to
+	pull it open.
+%
+Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
+Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866.  The white
+smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned
+on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious
+possibilities.  The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing
+
+	Half a pound of tuppenny rice
+	Half a pound of treacle
+	That's the way the chimney smokes
+	Pope Goestheveezl
+
+The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter
+streaming down their faces.  The event set a record for hilarious civic
+functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant
+Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Populus vult decipi.
+[The people like to be deceived.]
+%
+Porsche; there simply is no substitute.
+		-- Risky Business
+%
+POSITIVE:
+	Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
+%
+Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
+		-- Ryan
+%
+Post proelium, praemium.
+[After the battle, the reward.]
+%
+Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
+%
+Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
+
+	SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's
+left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world
+populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater.  Thanks to
+him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at.  Memorable
+line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!"
+
+	FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a
+fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on
+unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks.  Scenes include a girl being stuffed
+with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish
+with beets and dressing.  Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on
+diets that are driving them crazy.
+
+	FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same.
+Except with sour cream.
+%
+Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
+
+	THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day
+McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoess (girl 'tater) who will give birth
+to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly
+behind this).  Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..."
+
+	A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name,
+rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover
+of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers.  Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and
+general butter-melting by all.
+
+	FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off!  Cameo by Walter
+Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater!
+%
+POVERTY:
+	An unfortunate state that persists as long
+	as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.
+%
+Poverty begins at home.
+%
+Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many
+poor people.
+		-- Don Herold
+%
+POWER:
+	The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
+%
+Power corrupts.  Absolute power is kind of neat.
+		-- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
+%
+Power is poison.
+%
+Power is the finest token of affection.
+%
+Power, like a desolating pestilence,
+Pollutes whate'er it touches...
+		-- Percy Bysshe Shelley
+%
+Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.
+		-- Lord Acton
+%
+PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn.
+%
+Practical people would be more practical if
+they would take a little more time for dreaming.
+		-- J.P. McEvoy
+%
+Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
+		-- Henry Adams
+%
+Practically perfect people never permit
+sentiment to muddle their thinking.
+		-- Mary Poppins
+%
+Practice is the best of all instructors.
+		-- Publilius
+%
+Practice yourself what you preach.
+		-- Titus Maccius Plautus
+%
+PRAIRIES:
+	Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
+%
+Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
+                -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur"
+%
+Praise the sea; on shore remain.
+		-- John Florio
+%
+pray, n:
+	To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
+	of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
+		-- Russian Proverb
+%
+Predestination was doomed from the start.
+%
+Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
+		-- Niels Bohr
+%
+Prejudice:
+	A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
+		-- D.E. Knuth
+%
+Preserve the old, but know the new.
+%
+Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!
+%
+Preserve Wildlife!  Throw a party today!
+%
+President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic 
+pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
+%
+President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50%
+of the vote.  In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
+		-- The Washington Post
+%
+Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
+%
+Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
+	It's on the other side.
+%
+Price's Advice:
+	It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
+%
+[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves
+the working man, he loves to see him work.
+		-- Winston Churchill
+%
+[Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the
+largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought.
+		-- Winston Churchill
+%
+Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor
+For having it off with his Mater;
+	Revenge Dad or not?
+	That's the gist of the plot,
+And he did -- nine soliloquies later.
+		-- Stanley J. Sharpless
+%
+Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart.  Harvard's is a subtle
+taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco.  It may even be a bad habit, for
+all I know.
+		-- Prof. J.H. Finley '25
+%
+Priority:
+	A statement of the importance of a user or a program.  Often
+	expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't
+	care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less
+	badly than someone else.
+%
+Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion.
+		-- Blake
+%
+Prizes are for children.
+		-- Charles Ives,
+		upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize
+%
+Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
+%
+Probable-Possible, my black hen,
+She lays eggs in the Relative When.
+She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
+Because she's unable to postulate How.
+		-- Frederick Winsor
+%
+PROBLEM DRINKER:
+	A man who never buys.
+%
+Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training.
+And there's no reason for it.  So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy
+for twelve years?  I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress
+I can.  Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets?
+		-- Farrah Fawcett-Majors
+%
+Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
+%
+Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130
+midterm.  Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam.
+Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter.  Newell's earned exam average
+has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%.
+%
+PROGRAM:
+	Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one
+	day.  Once a task is defined as a program ("training program,"
+	"sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation
+	always justifies hiring at least three more people.
+%
+program, n:
+	A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input
+	into error messages.  tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging
+	one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
+%
+Programmers do it bit by bit.
+%
+Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live
+without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them.
+		-- D.M. Ritchie
+%
+Programming Department:
+	Mistakes made while you wait.
+%
+Programming is an unnatural act.
+%
+PROGRESS:
+	Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons
+	invading the body and taking possession of it.
+
+	Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria
+	and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.
+%
+Progress is impossible without change, and those who
+cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
+		-- G.B. Shaw
+%
+Progress means replacing a theory that
+is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
+%
+Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+Progress was all right.  Only it went on too long.
+		-- James Thurber
+%
+Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.
+%
+Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.
+%
+PROMOTION FROM WITHIN:
+	A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making
+	level where they can't foul up operations.
+%
+Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
+%
+Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
+
+This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them.  Induction
+techniques are very popular, even the military use them.
+
+SAMPLE:  Proof of induction without proof of induction.
+
+	We know it's true for n equal to 1.  Now assume that it's true 
+for every natural number less than n.  N is arbitrary, so we can take n 
+as large as we want.  If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is 
+trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n.  We can
+take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 becuase it's just about n.
+	QED.	(QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
+%
+Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
+	SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
+[1] Horses have an even number of legs.
+[2] They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
+[3] This makes a total of six legs,
+	which certainly is an odd number of legs for a horse.
+[4] But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. 
+[5] Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
+
+Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by:
+	intimidation,
+	gesticulation (handwaving),
+	"try it; it works",
+	constipation (I was just sitting there and...),
+	blatant assertion,
+	changing all the 2's to n's,
+	mutual consent,
+	lack of a counterexample, and,
+	"it stands to reason".
+%
+Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days,
+but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week.
+		-- Darrell Huff
+%
+Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
+		-- Publilius Syrus
+%
+Prototype designs always work.
+		-- Don Vonada
+%
+prototype, n.
+	First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by
+	pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version,
+	upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc.  Unlike its successors, the
+	prototype is not expected to work.
+%
+Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities 
+where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf.
+%
+Prunes give you a run for your money.
+%
+Pryor's Observation:
+	How long you live has nothing to do 
+	with how long you are going to be dead.
+%
+Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'
+shortcomings.
+		-- Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles"
+%
+Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body.
+%
+Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself
+a therapy.
+		-- Karl Kraus
+
+Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
+
+Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
+		-- C.G. Jung
+%
+psychologist, n:
+	Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks
+	into a room.
+%
+Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists.
+Experimental psychologists think they're biologists.
+Biologists think they're biochemists.
+Biochemists think they're chemists.
+Chemists think they're physical chemists.
+Physical chemists think they're physicists.
+Physicists think they're theoretical physicists.
+Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians.
+Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians.
+Metamathematicians think they're philosophers.
+Philosophers think they're gods.
+%
+Psychology.  Mind over matter.
+Mind under matter?  It doesn't matter.
+Never mind.
+%
+Public use of any portable music system is a 
+virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.
+		-- Zoso
+%
+Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping
+a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
+%
+Pudder's Law:
+	Anything that begins well will end badly.
+	(Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
+%
+Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.
+%
+Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to
+spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate
+that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person
+on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are
+thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other
+passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they
+have plenty of food and water.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+PURGE COMPLETE.
+%
+PURITAN:
+	Someone who is deathly afraid that
+	someone, somewhere, is having fun.
+%
+Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
+		-- H.L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques"
+%
+PURPITATION:
+	To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you
+	don't want it, and then put it in another section.
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Push where it gives and scratch where it itches.
+%
+Pushing 30 is exercise enough.
+%
+Pushing forty is exercise enough.
+%
+Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.
+Let it simmer.  Meanwhile, broil a good steak.
+Eat the steak.  Let the chili simmer.  Ignore it.
+		-- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor
+		   of Texas.
+%
+Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.
+		-- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
+%
+Put all your eggs in one basket and -- WATCH THAT BASKET.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Put another password in,
+Bomb it out, then try again.
+Try to get past logging in,
+We're hacking, hacking, hacking.
+
+Try his first wife's maiden name,
+This is more than just a game.
+It's real fun, but just the same,
+It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
+%
+Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
+%
+Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
+%
+Put your best foot forward.
+Or just call in and say you're sick.
+%
+Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.
+%
+Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
+		-- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
+%
+Put your trust in those who are worthy.
+%
+Putt's Law:
+	Technology is dominated by two types of people:
+		Those who understand what they do not manage.
+		Those who manage what they do not understand.
+%
+Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!!
+%
+Q:	Are we not men?
+A:	We are Vaxen.
+%
+Q:	Do you know what the death rate around here is?
+A:	One per person.
+%
+Q:	Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
+A:	He got re-possessed!
+%
+Q:	How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert?
+A:	With three more bullets.
+%
+Q:	How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with
+		your wife?
+A:	You have to wait 22 months.
+%
+Q:	How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back
+		in a hurricane?
+A:	You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
+%
+Q:	How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
+A:	When his lips move.
+%
+Q:	How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree?
+A:	He sat on a acorn and waited for spring.
+
+Q:	But how did he get back down?
+A:	He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
+%
+Q:	How do you catch a unique rabbit?
+A:	Unique up on it!
+
+Q:	How do you catch a tame rabbit?
+A:	The tame way!
+%
+Q:	How do you keep a moron in suspense?
+%
+Q.	How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal?
+A.	While he's not looking, switch it to "local".
+%
+Q:	How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
+A:	The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
+%
+Q:	How do you make an elephant float?
+A:	You get two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer...
+%
+Q:	How do you play religious roulette?
+A:	You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
+	struck by lightning first.
+%
+Q:	How do you save a drowning lawyer?
+A:	Throw him a rock.
+%
+Q:	How do you shoot a blue elephant?
+A:	With a blue-elephant gun.
+
+Q:	How do you shoot a pink elephant?
+A:	Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
+	a blue-elephant gun.
+%
+Q:	How do you stop an elephant from charging?
+A:	Take away his credit cards.
+%
+Q:	How does a hacker fix a function which
+	doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
+A:	He changes the domain.
+%
+Q:	How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches?
+A:	She asks them for a commitment.
+%
+Q:	How does a WASP propose marriage?
+A:	"How would you like to be buried with my people?"
+%
+Q:	How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
+A:	That's proprietary information.  Answer available from AT&T on payment
+	of license fee (binary only).
+%
+Q:	How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
+A:	Two.  One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
+	done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
+%
+Q:	How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A:	Five.  One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the
+		experience.  (Actually, Californians don't screw in
+		lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)
+
+Q:	How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
+A:	Three.  One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
+		those Californians trying to share the experience.
+%
+Q:	How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A:	Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
+%
+Q:	How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
+A:	Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
+
+Q:	How long does it take?
+A:	It's indeterminate.
+	It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.
+
+Q:	What happens if you've got TWO flats?
+A:	They replace your generator.
+%
+Q:	How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke?
+A:	One more than you can find.
+%
+Q:	How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
+A:	Four.  Two in the front, two in the back.
+
+Q:	How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
+A:	There's a footprint in the mayo.
+
+Q:	How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
+A:	There's two footprints in the mayo.
+
+Q:	How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
+A:	The door won't shut.
+
+Q:	How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
+A:	There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
+%
+Q:	How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
+A:	None.  We'll fix it in software.
+
+Q:	How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
+A:	None.  The application can work around it.
+
+Q:	How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
+A:	None.  We'll document it in the manual.
+
+Q:	How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
+A:	None.  The user can figure it out.
+%
+Q:	How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A:	Just one.  He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
+%
+Q:	How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?
+A:	Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
+%
+Q:	How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift?
+A:	33.  1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
+%
+Q:	How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
+A:	Fifteen.  One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
+	GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
+	of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
+	left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
+	consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
+%
+Q:	How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A:	Three.  One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
+	light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
+	to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
+	reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break
+	the bulb in the first place.
+%
+Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
+A:	One.  Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
+%
+Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
+A:	Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
+party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
+agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
+from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
+upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
+the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
+at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
+the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
+second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
+parties.
+	The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
+limited to, the following.  The party of the first part shall, with or without
+elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
+means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
+of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
+non-negotiable.  Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
+becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
+have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
+consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
+Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
+shall have the option of beginning installation.  Aforesaid installation shall
+occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
+step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
+should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
+The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
+first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
+produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
+%
+Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
+A:	You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.  Now, if
+	you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
+%
+Q:	How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
+A:	I'll have to get back to you on that.
+%
+Q:	How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A:	None:  The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
+%
+Q:	How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A:      One.  He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
+	to the earlier joke.
+%
+Q:	How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
+	light bulb?
+A:	Seven.  Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
+	the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
+	Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
+	that he's a doctor, not an electrician).  Scotty, after checking
+	around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
+	that he "canna" see in the dark.  Kirk will make an emergency stop at
+	the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
+	from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
+	Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
+	beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply
+	killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
+	As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
+	Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
+	warp out of orbit.  Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
+	and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
+	just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
+	given all lightbulbs they can carry.  The new bulb is then inserted
+	and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
+%
+Q:	How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light
+		bulb?
+A:	Three.  One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the
+		witness.
+%
+Q:	How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb?
+A:	Five:  One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
+	out from under him.
+%
+Q:	How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
+A:	Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
+	to really want to change.
+%
+Q:	"How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
+A:	"Twelve; one to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to self-destruct
+	the ship out of disgrace."
+
+	[Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for
+	a fight.  They consider this it to be a discrace, though it's
+	pretty good for a LBJ.  Ed.]
+%
+Q:	How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
+A:	Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
+	with brightly colored machine tools.
+
+	[Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur.  Ed.]
+%
+Q:	How many WASP's does it take to change a lightbulb?
+A:	One.
+%
+Q:	How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
+A:	2 bits.
+%
+Q:	How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
+A:	9 edge down.
+%
+Q:	Know what the difference between your latest project
+		and putting wings on an elephant is?
+A:	Who knows?  The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
+%
+Q:	Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
+A:	Easy.  It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
+	bottles into the typewriter.
+%
+Q:	Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.
+	What should I do?
+
+A:	Post the correct answer at once!  We can't have people go on
+	believing that!  Very good of you to spot this.  You'll probably
+	be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you
+	can.  No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to
+	see if somebody else has made the correction.  And it's not good
+	enough to send the message by mail.  Since you're the only one who
+	really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform the
+	whole net right away!
+		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
+%
+Q:	What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
+A:	"The elephants are coming over the hill."
+
+Q:	What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
+		sunglasses?
+A:	Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
+%
+Q:	What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
+A:	You don't know how much either of them mean to you until
+	they go down on you.
+
+Q:	What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?
+A:	You can park in the handicapped zone.
+
+Q:	Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
+	puzzle in only 6 months?
+A:	Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
+%
+Q:	What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
+A:	The very best person they can possibly be.
+%
+Q:	What do monsters eat?
+A:	Things.
+
+Q:	What do monsters drink?
+A:	Coke.  (Because Things go better with Coke.)
+%
+Q:	What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
+A:	The impossible dream.
+%
+Q:	What do WASP's do instead of making love?
+A:	Rule the country.
+%
+Q:	What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
+A:	The same middle name.
+%
+Q:	What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
+A:	A dope ring.
+
+Q:	Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
+A:	To cover up the valve stem.
+
+Q:	Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
+	puzzle in only 6 months?
+A:	Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
+%
+Q:	What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
+A:	Diyathinkhesaurus.
+
+Q:	What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
+A:	Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
+%
+Q:	What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
+A:	A stick.
+%
+Q:	What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
+A:	An interpreter.
+
+Q:	Why do blondes have square breasts?
+A:	They forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
+
+Q:	What do you call ten blonds in a row?
+A:	A wind tunnel.
+%
+Q:	What do you call a dog with no legs?
+A:	What does it matter?  He can't come anyway.
+
+	[I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette.
+		Every night, I take him out for a drag.  Ed.]
+%
+Q:	What do you call a group of kids with low IQ's, drinking diet cola,
+	eating fruit, and singing?
+A:	The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
+%
+Q:	What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
+A:	Six sick Sikhs (sic).
+%
+Q:	What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan?
+A:	A good start.
+%
+Q:	What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
+	is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
+A:	A deep C diva.
+%
+Q.	What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?
+A.	A Christian Science Monitor.
+%
+Q:	What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
+	lawyer, and believes in social causes?
+A:	A failure.
+%
+Q:	What do you call the money you pay to the government when
+	you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
+A:	A howdah duty.
+%
+Q:	What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
+	sheep bites you?
+A:	Ewe nicks.
+%
+Q:	What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
+A:	An offer you can't understand.
+%
+Q:	What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole?
+A:	Hot cross bunnies!
+%
+Q:	What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
+A:	Not enough sand.
+%
+Q:	What does a blonde do first theing in the morning?
+A:	She goes home.
+
+Q:	Why does blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
+A:	To keep her neck warm.
+
+Q:	How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
+A:	Tell her a joke on Friday.
+%
+Q:	What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
+A:	A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
+	a delicious dessert.
+%
+Q:	What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
+A:	Open other end.
+%
+Q:	What goes: Sis!  Boom!  Baaaaah!
+A:	Exploding sheep.
+%
+Q:	What happens when four WASP's find themselves in the same room?
+A:	A dinner party.
+%
+Q:	What is green and lives in the ocean?
+A:	Moby Pickle.
+%
+Q:	What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of?
+A:	Feet.
+%
+Q:	What is orange and goes "click, click?"
+A:	A ball point carrot.
+%
+Q:	What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
+A:	Open other end.
+%
+Q:	What is purple and commutes?
+A:	A boolean grape.
+%
+Q:	What is purple and commutes?
+A:	An Abelian grape.
+%
+Q:	What is purple and concord the world?
+A:	Alexander the Grape.
+%
+Q:	"What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
+	existentialist?"
+A:	"Is there a dog?"
+%
+Q:	What is the difference between a duck?
+A:	One leg is both the same.
+%
+Q:	What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
+A:	Yogurt has culture.
+%
+Q:	What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off?
+A:	Her bowling shoes.
+%
+Q:	What is the mating call of a blonde?
+A:	I think I'm drunk.
+
+Q:	What's the call of a disappointed blonde?
+A:	I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk!
+
+Q:	What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
+A:	(Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
+%
+Q:	What is the sound of one cat napping?
+A:	Mu.
+%
+Q:	What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
+A:	A nervous wreck.
+%
+Q:	What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
+	plays like a monkey?
+A:	Nothing.
+%
+Q:	What's black and white and red all over?
+A:	Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
+%
+Q:	What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch?
+A:	Somebody who tells Aggie jokes.
+%
+Q:	What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
+A:	A doberman.
+%
+Q:	What's the Blonde's cheer?
+A:	I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well..
+	I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea...
+
+Q:	What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
+A:	Artificial intelligence.
+
+Q:	How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
+A:	Shine a flashlight in their ear.
+%
+Q.	What's the capital of Canada?
+A.	American.
+%
+Q:	What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
+	lawyer in the road?
+A:	There are skid marks in front of the dog.
+%
+Q:	What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
+A:	You can't get down off an elephant.
+%
+Q:	What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
+A:	You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
+%
+Q:	What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale?
+A:	The moustache.
+%
+Q:	What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
+A:	One more drunk.
+%
+Q:	What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
+A:	The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
+%
+Q.	What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?
+A.	Yogurt has a living, active culture.
+%
+Q:	What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
+A:	A canary with the super-user password.
+%
+Q:	What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
+A:	Zorn's Lemon.
+%
+Q:	Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
+A:	To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!
+
+Q:	What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
+A:	Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...
+%
+Q:	Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
+A:	Lawn Boy.
+%
+Q:	Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
+A:	Because they're worth it!
+%
+Q:	Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
+A:	Because he was hungry.
+%
+Q:	Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
+A:	To see what was on the other side.
+
+Q:	Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
+A:	More head room.
+
+Q:	How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex?
+A:	She opens the car door.
+%
+Q:	Why did the chicken cross the road?
+A:	He was giving it last rites.
+%
+Q:	Why did the chicken cross the road?
+A:	To see his friend Gregory peck.
+
+Q:	Why did the chicken cross the playground?
+A:	To get to the other slide.
+%
+Q:	Why did the germ cross the microscope?
+A:	To get to the other slide.
+%
+Q:	Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
+A:	He found out what "kimosabe" really means.
+%
+Q:	Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
+A:	Because he left a residue at every pole.
+%
+Q:	Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
+A:	Because that was her name.
+%
+Q:	Why did the WASP cross the road?
+A:	To get to the middle.
+%
+Q:	Why do ducks have big flat feet?
+A:	To stamp out forest fires.
+
+Q:	Why do elephants have big flat feet?
+A:	To stamp out flaming ducks.
+%
+Q:	Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
+A:	To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
+%
+Q:	Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
+A:	To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
+%
+Q:	Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
+A:	Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
+	Oh, right, *of course*!
+%
+Q:	Why do the police always travel in threes?
+A:	One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
+	an eye on the two intellectuals.
+%
+Q:	Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
+	New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
+A:	God gave New Jersey first choice.
+%
+Q:	Why don't blondes eat pickles?
+A:	Because they get their head stuck in the jars.
+
+Q:	Why do blondes wear underwear?
+A:	To keep their ankles warm.
+
+Q:	How do you kill a blonde?
+A:	Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
+%
+Q:	Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
+A:	The cats keep trying to bury them.
+%
+Q:	Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
+A:	Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar.  If they drink
+	it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
+	visiting, they always take three.
+%
+Q:	Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
+A:	You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
+	gets all the credit.
+%
+Q:	Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
+	function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
+A:	That's the Law of Spline Demand.
+%
+Q:	Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
+A:	It takes too long to retrain them.
+
+Q:	What's the mating call of the brunette?
+A:	All the blondes have gone home!
+
+Q:	How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
+A:	There's white-out on the screen.
+%
+Q:	Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
+	soup in a plate?
+A:	'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
+%
+Q:	Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
+A:	It wasn't IBM compatible.
+%
+Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
+A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
+%
+Q: What's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
+A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
+%
+Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
+A: The Titanic had a band.
+%
+QED.
+%
+QOTD:
+	 "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair.  It's the hope."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"A child of 5 could understand this!  Fetch me a child of 5."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."
+%
+QOTD:
+	All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.
+%
+QOTD:
+	All I want is more than my fair share.
+%
+QOTD:
+	"Dead people are good at running because they don't
+	have to stop and breathe."
+		-- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead"
+%
+QOTD:
+	"Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"East is east... and let's keep it that way."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there,
+	I go to work."
+%
+QOTD:
+	Flash!  Flash!  I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to
+	save the earth!
+%
+QOTD:
+	"He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"Her other car is a broom."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"He's a perfectionist.  If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect
+	her to cook."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom."
+%
+QOTD:
+	How can I miss you if you won't go away?
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital.  On the
+other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."
+%
+QOTD:
+	I love your outfit, does it come in your size?
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting posistion."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
+%
+QOTD:
+	I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the
+	ball in their court.
+		-- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it
+	didn't work."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a
+	horse with one of the horns broken off."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I treat her like a throughbred, and she's STILL a nag!"
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return
+	it though.  Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with
+	the lost."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the
+	dog for dinner."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza.  I might play
+	golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie."
+%
+QOTD:
+	If it's too loud, you're too old.
+%
+QOTD:
+	"If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."
+%
+QOTD:
+	If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection.
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I'm just a boy named 'su'..."
+%
+QOTD:
+	I'm not a nerd -- I'm "socially challenged".
+%
+QOTD:
+	I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged".
+
+	[I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.]
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many
+	stations anymore."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his
+	hands in his own pockets."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"It's been Monday all week today."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if
+	the ace is missing from his deck altogether."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"It's sort of a threat, you see.  I've never been very good at
+	them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint.  And then go on
+	strike.  To make less money."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back
+	all of my stuff."
+%
+QOTD:
+	I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one.
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I've just learned about his illness.  Let's hope it's nothing
+	trivial."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
+%
+QOTD:
+	"Let's do it."
+		-- Gary Gilmore
+%
+QOTD:
+	"Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."
+%
+QOTD:
+	Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical
+	mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand.  Paul Ehrenfest, carrying
+	on the work, died similarly in 1933.  Now it is our turn.
+		-- Goodstein, States of Matter 
+%
+QOTD:
+	Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch.
+%
+QOTD:
+	"My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let
+	her husband work."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?"
+%
+QOTD:
+	My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips.
+%
+QOTD:
+	"My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"Of course it's the murder weapon.  Who would frame someone with
+	a fake?"
+%
+QOTD:
+	"Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"Oh, no, no...  I'm not beautiful.  Just very, very pretty."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"Our parents were never our age."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"Say, you look pretty athletic.  What say we put a pair of tennis
+	shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
+%
+QOTD:
+	Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
+%
+QOTD:
+	"She's about as smart as bait."
+%
+QOTD:
+	Silence is the only virtue he has left.
+%
+QOTD:
+	Some people have one of those days.  I've had one of those lives.
+%
+QOTD:
+	"Sure, I turned down a drink once.  Didn't understand the question."
+%
+QOTD:
+	Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
+	I do what I get paid to do.
+%
+QOTD:
+	"The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its
+	neck to get the dog to play with it."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
+%
+QOTD:
+	The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean
+	the snakes have gone away.
+%
+QOTD:
+	"There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the
+	left."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!"
+%
+QOTD:
+	"Unlucky?  If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"What do you mean, you had the dog fixed?   Just what made you
+	think he was broken!"
+%
+QOTD:
+	"What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding
+	when I mess things up."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call
+	"baring your neck."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"Who?  Me?  No, no, NO!!  But I do sell rugs."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"
+%
+QOTD:
+	Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE?
+	Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK...  S'great...
+%
+QOTD:
+	"You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them?
+	How...  tribal."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
+%
+QOTD:
+Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now
+to late to punish.
+%
+QOTD:
+I haven't come far enough and don't call me baby.
+%
+QOTD:
+I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
+then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble'.
+	-- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
+%
+QOTD:
+"I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
+	-- Kathy Ireland
+%
+QOTD:
+"It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
+%
+QOTD:
+Lack of planning on your part doesn't consitute an emergency
+on my part.
+%
+QOTD:
+On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say...  oh, somewhere in there.
+%
+QOTD:
+Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
+%
+QOTD:
+The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the
+gerbil has more dark meat.
+%
+Quack!
+	Quack!! Quack!!
+%
+Quality control:
+	Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand
+	and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
+%
+QUALITY CONTROL:
+	The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a
+	production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
+%
+Quantity is no substitute for quality,
+but its the only one we've got.
+%
+Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces!
+		-- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party
+%
+Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."
+%
+QUARK:
+	The sound made by a well bred duck.
+%
+Quark!  Quark!  Beware the quantum duck!
+%
+Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
+exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday.  Mannis feels he must
+devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might eminate
+from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
+Nazi Martin Bormann.  A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
+weighing the odds of a slander suit.  Mayor Koch could naturally be
+reached for comment, but we chose not to listen.
+		-- Dennis Miller
+%
+Question:
+	Man Invented Alcohol,
+	God Invented Grass.
+	Whom do you trust?
+%
+question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
+		-- Wm. Shakespeare
+%
+QUESTION AUTHORITY.
+
+(Sez who?)
+%
+Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until
+they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
+%
+Questionable day.
+Ask somebody something.
+%
+Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Quick!!  Act as if nothing has happened!
+%
+Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
+
+(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
+%
+Quigley's Law:
+	Whoever has any authority over you,
+	no matter how small, will attempt to use it.
+%
+Quit worrying about your health.  It'll go away.
+		-- Robert Orben
+%
+Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.
+After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment.
+%
+Qvid me anxivs svm?
+%
+Radicalism:
+	The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.
+		-- A. Bierce
+%
+RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC
+READY
+>_
+%
+Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
+%
+Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht.
+		-- Albert Einstein
+%
+rain falls where clouds come
+sun shines where clouds go
+clouds just come and go
+		-- Florian Gutzwiller
+%
+Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
+%
+Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
+%
+Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
+%
+Ralph's Observation:
+It is a mistake to let any mechanical object
+realise that you are in a hurry.
+%
+RAM wasn't built in a day.
+%
+Random, n:
+	as in number, predictable.
+	as in memory access, unpredictable.
+%
+Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.
+%
+Rascal, am I?  Take THAT!
+		-- Errol Flynn
+%
+Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I
+saw at the airport...   Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer
+magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store.  Does it
+bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won
+secrets of computer technology?  Remember how all the lawyers cried foul
+when "How to Avoid Probate" was published?  Are they taking no-fault
+insurance lying down?  No way!  But at the current rate it won't be long
+before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the
+A&P checkout counters.  Who's going to be impressed with us electrical
+engineers then?  Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store? 
+		-- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president
+%
+Razors pain you;
+Rivers are damp;
+Acids stain you;
+And drugs cause cramp.
+Guns aren't lawful;
+Nooses give;
+Gas smells awful;
+You might as well live.
+		-- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926
+%
+Re: Graphics:
+	A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
+	the picture.  Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
+	described with pictures.
+%
+Reach into the thoughts of friends,
+And find they do not know your name.
+Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,
+And watch the feathers burst the seams.
+Touch the stained glass with your cheek,
+And feel its chill upon your blood.
+Hold a candle to the night,
+And see the darkness bend the flame.
+Tear the mask of peace from God,
+And hear the roar of souls in hell.
+Pluck a rose in name of love,
+And watch the petals curl and wilt.
+Lean upon the western wind,
+And know you are alone.
+		-- Dru Mims
+%
+Reactor error - core dumped!
+%
+Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
+%
+Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
+%
+Reagan can't act either.
+%
+Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware.  Hardware has
+limitations, software doesn't.  It's a real shame that Turing machines are
+so poor at I/O.
+%
+Real computer scientists don't write code.  They occasionally tinker with
+`programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count 
+(and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications).
+%
+Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how
+could they read their mail?
+%
+Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on
+future hardware.  Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens
+will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
+%
+Real programmers admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value but they
+find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is much too large to
+implement.  Most computer scientists don't notice this because they are
+still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
+%
+Real programmers don't document; if it was
+hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
+%
+Real programmers don't draw flowcharts.  Flowcharts are, after all, the
+illiterate's form of documentation.  Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much
+good it did them.
+%
+Real Programmers don't eat quiche.  They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food.
+%
+Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
+you to change clothes.  Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
+wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
+spring up in the middle of the machine room.
+%
+Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN.
+FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
+%
+Real Programmers don't write in PL/I.  PL/I is for
+programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
+%
+Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
+%
+Real programs don't eat cache.
+%
+Real Programs don't use shared text.  Otherwise, how can they
+use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
+%
+Real wealth can only increase.
+		-- R. Buckminster Fuller
+%
+Real World, The n.:
+	1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may be
+used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc.  2. To
+programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related to
+programming.  3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and tie
+and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5.  4.  The location
+of the status quo.  5. Anywhere outside a university.  "Poor fellow, he's
+left MIT and gone into T.R.W."  Used pejoratively by those not in residence
+there.  In conversation, talking of someone who has entered the real world
+is not unlike talking about a deceased person.
+%
+Reality -- what a concept!
+		-- Robin Williams
+%
+Reality always seems harsher in the early morning.
+%
+Reality does not exist - yet.
+%
+Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
+%
+Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
+		-- Lily Tomlin
+%
+Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
+%
+Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
+	-- Lily Tomlin
+%
+Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature
+cannot be fooled.
+		-- R.P. Feynman
+%
+Reality must take precedence over public
+relations, for Mother Nature cannot be fooled.
+		-- R.P. Feynman
+%
+Really??  What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
+%
+Reappraisal, n:
+	An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
+%
+Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
+%
+Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being
+flat broke and having a stomach ache.
+		-- Dolph Sharp
+%
+Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
+%
+Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man
+is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.
+		-- C.N. Parkinson
+%
+Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after
+his death.  He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
+"Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol."  Over at the
+microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
+bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers.  So Stevie
+Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow!  I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."
+Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
+"'Close to You'.  Hit it, boys!"
+		-- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller
+%
+Reception area, n:
+	The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend
+	innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade
+	magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World,
+	while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine --
+	Cosmopolitan.
+%
+Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
+lose your job.  These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
+but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
+Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
+%
+Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
+	(1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
+	(2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
+		Santraginus V  (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
+	(3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
+		mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
+	(4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
+	(5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
+		Qualactin Hypermint extract.
+	(6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger.  Watch it dissolve.
+	(7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
+	(8) Add an olive.
+	(9) Drink... but... very carefully...
+%
+Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
+	(1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
+	(2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
+		Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
+	(3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
+		mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
+	(4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
+	(5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
+		Qualactin Hypermint extract.
+	(6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger.  Watch it dissolve.
+	(7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
+	(8) Add an olive.
+	(9) Drink... but... very carefully...
+%
+Reclaimer, spare that tree!
+Take not a single bit!
+It used to point to me,
+Now I'm protecting it.
+It was the reader's CONS
+That made it, paired by dot;
+Now, GC, for the nonce,
+Thou shalt reclaim it not.
+%
+Recursion is the root of computation
+since it trades description for time.
+%
+Recursion: n. See Recursion.
+		-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
+%
+Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts,
+administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.
+%
+Regnant populi.
+%
+Regression analysis:
+	Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are
+	getting worse.
+%
+Reichel's Law:
+	A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by
+	an outside force.
+%
+Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child.
+		-- Thomas Berger
+%
+Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
+	If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
+%
+Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest
+knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
+		-- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"
+%
+...relaxed in the manner of a man who
+has no need to put up a front of any kind.
+		-- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy"
+%
+Reliable source, n:
+	The guy you just met.
+%
+Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
+		-- Anatole France
+%
+Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple.
+%
+Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
+		-- Napoleon
+%
+Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
+%
+Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our
+extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.
+		-- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic
+		   Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
+%
+Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.
+%
+Remember Darwin; building a better
+mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.
+%
+Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled
+with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two
+deserts.
+		-- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59
+%
+Remember folks.  Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.
+		-- Jim Samuels
+%
+Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't
+have an established user base.
+%
+Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over
+the first one.
+		-- Confusion
+%
+"Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's
+*not* the U.S. Army doing it!"
+		-- Good Morning VietNam
+%
+Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure
+that you're the one holding it.
+		-- Mr. Greenfatigues
+%
+Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
+		-- Dave Butler
+%
+Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
+you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
+		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
+%
+Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.
+		-- Hans Liepmann
+%
+Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot,
+it could only be worse in Cleveland.
+%
+Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
+%
+Remember the... the... uhh.....
+%
+Remember thee
+Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat
+In this distracted globe.  Remember thee!
+Yea, from the table of my memory
+I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
+All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,
+That youth and observation copied there.
+		-- William Shakespear, "Hamlet"
+%
+Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
+%
+Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
+		-- Mt.
+%
+Remember: use logout to logout.
+%
+Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
+		-- Chinese proverb
+%
+Remove me from this land of slaves,
+Where all are fools, and all are knaves,
+Where every knave and fool is bought, 
+Yet kindly sells himself for nought;
+		-- Jonathan Swift
+%
+Removing the straw that broke the camel's back
+does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.
+%
+Renning's Maxim:
+	Man is the highest animal.  Man does the classifying.
+%
+Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Repel them.  Repel them.  Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
+		-- Indiana University footbal cheer
+%
+Reply hazy, ask again later.
+%
+Reporter:
+	A writer who guesses his way to the truth
+	and dispels it with a tempest of words.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Reporter:   "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
+Yogi Berra: "Closed."
+%
+Reporter:   "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
+Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
+%
+Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi):
+		Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?
+Gandhi:		I think it would be a good idea.
+%
+Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
+Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
+
+Democrats eat the fish they catch.
+Republicans hang them on the wall.
+
+Republican boys date Democratic girls.  They plan to marry
+Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
+
+Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
+Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
+
+Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
+That is why there are more Democrats.
+		-- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
+%
+Reputation, adj:
+	What others are not thinking about you.
+%
+Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works
+you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either,
+so you're still a valiant nerd.
+%
+Research is to see what everybody else has seen,
+and think what nobody else has thought.
+%
+Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
+		-- Wernher von Braun
+%
+Research, n:
+	Consider Columbus:
+	He didn't know where he was going.
+	When he got there he didn't know where he was.
+	When he got back he didn't know where he had been.
+	And he did it all on someone else's money.
+%
+Resisting temptation is easier when you
+think you'll probably get another chance later on.
+%
+Responsibility:
+	Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility.  This is
+a lot of bunk.  Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something
+goes wrong.  When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it
+is to take the blame for your mistakes.  If they're smart, that is.
+		-- Cerebus, "On Governing"
+%
+Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you
+actually have a shot at it.
+%
+Reunite Gondwondaland!
+%
+Rev. Jim:	What does an amber light mean?                                 
+Bobby:		Slow down.
+Rev. Jim:	What...   does...  an...  amber...  light...  mean?
+Bobby:		Slow down.
+Rev. Jim:	What....     does....     an....     amber....     light....
+%
+Revenge is a form of nostalgia.
+%
+Revenge is a meal best served cold.
+%
+Review Questions
+
+1:	If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
+	and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
+	he exceeds the speed of light?  How long will it be before the
+	Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
+
+2:	If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
+	twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
+	every bone in his body?  How long will it be before they cut off
+	his insurance?  Where does he get a new car every week?
+
+3:	If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
+	the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in
+	a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
+	Tut's?  When will it fall on him?  Will he notice?
+%
+Revolution, n:
+	A form of government abroad.
+%
+Revolution, n:
+	In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+revolutionary, adj:
+	Repackaged.
+%
+Rhode's Law:
+	When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance,
+	or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or
+	circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted,
+	estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose
+	of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or
+	personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the
+	above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and
+	adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably,
+	and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to
+	assume otherwise, maybe.
+%
+Rhode's Law:
+	When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance,
+or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or circuitously
+proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, estimated, or
+scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose of convenience,
+expediency, political advantage, material gain, or personal comfort, or any
+combination of the above, or none of the above, be unilaterally and
+unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be
+undeniably, universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as
+it becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe.
+%
+Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed.  It is not fair that some men
+should be happier than others.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life.
+He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress,
+lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the
+world.
+		-- Senator Barry Goldwater
+%
+Riches cover a multitude of woes.
+		-- Menander
+%
+Rick:		"How can you close me up?  On what grounds?"
+Renault:	"I'm shocked!  Shocked!  To find that gambling is
+			going on here."
+Croupier (handing money to Renault):
+		"Your winnings, sir."
+Renault:	"Oh.  Thank you very much."
+		-- Casablanca
+%
+Riffle West Virginia is so small that the
+Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk.
+%
+"Rights" is a fictional abstraction.  No one has "Rights", neither
+machines nor flesh-and-blood.  Persons... have opportunities, not
+rights, which they use or do not use.
+		-- Lazarus Long
+%
+Ring around the collar.
+%
+Ritchie's Rule:
+	(1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.
+	(2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
+	(3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.
+%
+Robot, n:
+	Someone who's been made by a scientist.
+%
+Robot, n:
+	University administrator.
+%
+Robustness, adj:
+	Never having to say you're sorry.
+%
+Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
+	Unless the results are known in advance,
+	funding agencies will reject the proposal.
+%
+Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to
+become necessary.
+		-- Edgar Friedenberg
+%
+Rome was not built in one day.
+		-- John Heywood
+%
+Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
+%
+Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill,
+He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still,
+Juliet was waiting with a safety net,
+Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet".
+		-- Elvis Costello
+%
+Roses are red;
+	Violets are blue.
+I'm schizophrenic,
+	And so am I.
+%
+Rotten wood cannot be carved.
+		-- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9
+%
+Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.
+		-- Zero Mostel
+%
+Round Numbers are always false.
+		-- Samuel Johnson
+%
+Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...
+%
+Rubber bands have snappy endings!
+%
+Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
+Yogi Berra:  "You mean now?"
+%
+Rudd's Discovery:
+	You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make
+	$300,000 to $400,000, but they don't.  Why?  Because they can
+	stay in Washington and make it there.
+%
+Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.
+%
+Rudin's Law:
+	If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
+	do it every time.
+
+Rudin's Second Law:
+	In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
+	courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible
+	course.
+%
+rugby, n:
+	Elegant violence.
+
+	(Rugby players eat their dead.)
+	(Blood makes the grass grow!)
+	(Support your local hooker!  Play rugby!)
+
+	[A "hooker" is part of the scrum.  Thought you'd want to know.  Ed.]
+%
+RUGGED:
+	Too heavy to lift.
+%
+Rule #1:
+	The Boss is always right.
+
+Rule #2:
+	If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.
+%
+Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.
+	Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is
+not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety.  They simply may
+sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they
+regain their composure.
+%
+Rule of Creative Research:
+	1) Never draw what you can copy.
+	2) Never copy what you can trace.
+	3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
+%
+Rule of Defactualization:
+	Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
+%
+Rule of Feline Frustration:
+	When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
+	content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
+	bathroom.
+%
+Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.
+%
+Rule of the Great:
+	When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
+	thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
+%
+Rule the Empire through force.
+		-- Shogun Tokugawa
+%
+Rules for driving in New York:
+	1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
+	2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
+	3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
+		intersection.
+%
+Rules for Good Grammar #4.
+ 1:	Don't use no double negatives.
+ 2:	Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
+ 3:	Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
+ 4:	About them sentence fragments.
+ 5:	When dangling, watch your participles.
+ 6:	Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
+ 7:	Just between you and i, case is important.
+ 8:	Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
+ 9:	Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
+10:	Try to not ever split infinitives.
+11:	It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
+12:	Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
+13:	Correct speling is essential.
+14:	A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
+15:	While a transcendant vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
+	careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
+	become ensconsed in obscurity.  In other words, eschew obfuscation.
+%
+Rules for Writers:
+	Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read.  Don't use no double
+negatives.  Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate;
+and never where it isn't.  Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and
+omit it when its not needed.  No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are
+unnecessary.  Eschew dialect, irregardless.  And don't start a sentence with
+a conjunction.  Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
+Write all adverbial forms correct.  Don't use contractions in formal writing.
+Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.  It is incumbent on
+us to avoid archaisms.  Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have
+snuck in the language.  Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.  If I've
+told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole.  Also,
+avoid awkward or affected alliteration.  Don't string too many prepositional
+phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of
+death.  "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
+%
+RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
+	 1. Never eat on an empty stomach.
+	 2. Never leave the table hungry.
+	 3. When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
+	 4. Enjoy your food.
+	 5. Enjoy your companion's food.
+	 6. Really taste your food.  It may take several portions to
+		accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
+	 7. Really feel your food.  Texture is important.  Compare, for
+		example, the texture of a turnip to that of a brownie.
+		Which feels better against your cheeks?
+	 8. Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
+	 9. Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You can
+		always eat it later.
+	10. Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
+	11. Avoid blue food.
+		-- The Bronx Diet, "Richard Smith"
+%
+Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish.
+		-- Lao Tsu
+%
+Rune's Rule:
+	If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
+%
+Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.
+		-- John Cameron Swayze
+%
+Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching.  Working once a week,
+he might have lasted a long time and become a great star.
+		-- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change
+		   from being a pitcher to an outfielder.
+		   Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
+%
+Ryan's Law:
+	Make three correct guesses consecutively
+	and you will establish yourself as an expert.
+%
+Sacher's Observation:
+	Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.
+%
+Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
+%
+SADISM:
+	A sadist refusing to whip a masochist.
+%
+sadoequinecrophilia, n:
+	Beating a dead horse.
+%
+Safety Third.
+%
+Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
+	Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
+
+	1. Little things start bothering you:  little things like worms,
+		bugs, ants.
+	2. Something is missing in your personal relationships.
+	3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
+	4. You have a hard time getting a waiter.
+	5. Exotic birds flock around you.
+	6. People ignore you at parties.
+	7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
+	8. You no longer get off on cocaine.
+%
+SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE:
+
+	In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the
+Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered
+to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international
+space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would
+violate the ABM treaty.  Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by
+turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction
+center.  The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.
+%
+SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
+	You are optimistic and enthusiastic.  You have a reckless
+	tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent.  The majority of
+	Sagitarians are drunks or dope fiends or both.  People laugh at
+	you a great deal.
+%
+SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
+	Move slowly today, be deliberate.  Indications are for bleeding
+	ulcers.  Drink milk.  Try not to be your usual offensive and
+	obnoxious self.  Call your mother.
+%
+SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21)
+	Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will
+	backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus.  Subdue
+	impulse you have to push her out into traffic.
+%
+Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I
+got started one night when George came home and found one burning in
+the ashtray."
+%
+Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
+		-- Heard on Noahs' ark
+%
+Sailors in ships, sail on!
+Even while we died, others rode out the storm.
+%
+Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.
+		-- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi"
+%
+Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed
+in small amounts over a long period of time.
+		-- George Carlin
+%
+Sally:	C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings
+		with me.
+Ted:	ALL?  Do you realize what you're asking?  Men aren't trained
+		to share.  We're trained to protect ourselves by not
+		letting anyone too close.  Good grief, if I go around
+		sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry.
+Sally:	It's called "trust," Ted.
+Ted:	"Sharing"?  "Trust"?  You're really asking me to sail into
+		uncharted waters here.
+		-- Sally Forth
+%
+Sam:   What do you know there, Norm?
+Norm:  How to sit.  How to drink.  Want to quiz me?
+		-- Cheers, Loverboyd
+
+Sam:   Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
+Norm:  Beats me. ...  Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
+		-- Cheers, Loverboyd
+
+Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm:  Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
+		-- Cheers, Loverboyd
+%
+Sam:   What's the good word, Norm?
+Norm:  Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
+Sam:   Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
+Norm:  Yeah, yeah, yeah...
+Sam:   One heartburn cocktail coming up.
+		-- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday
+
+Sam:   Whaddya say, Norm?
+Norm:  Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink.  And down it goes.
+		-- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor
+
+Woody:  What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm:   Boxer shorts and loose shoes.  But I'll settle for a beer.
+		-- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie
+%
+Sam:  What do you say, Norm?
+Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
+		-- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice
+
+Sam:  What do you say to a beer, Normie?
+Norm: Hiya, sailor.  New in town?
+		-- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up
+
+Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
+All:  Norm!  (Norman.)
+Sam:  Still pouring, Norm?
+Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
+		-- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare
+%
+Sam:  What's going on, Normie?
+Norm: My birthday, Sammy.  Give me a beer, stick a candle in
+      it, and I'll blow out my liver.
+		-- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone
+
+Woody: Hey, Mr. P.  How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
+Norm:  Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
+       Found him every couple of blocks.
+		-- Cheers, Head Over Hill
+%
+Sam:  What's new, Norm?
+Norm: Most of my wife.
+		-- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One
+
+Coach: Beer, Norm?
+Norm:  Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
+		-- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone
+
+Coach: What's doing, Norm?
+Norm:  Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst.  I happen
+       to be the guinea pig.
+		-- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways
+%
+SAN DIEGO:
+	Four million people, where you can't get a
+	good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try.
+%
+SAN FRANCISCO:
+	Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
+%
+San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city.  I don't mean the
+people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy.  When
+they boo you, you know they mean *you*.  Music, that's what it is to me.
+One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.
+		-- George Halas, professional footbal coach
+%
+San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
+		-- Herb Caen
+%
+Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.
+%
+Sank heaven for leetle curls.
+%
+Santa Claus is watching!
+%
+Santa Claus wears a red suit
+He's a Communist.
+
+He has long hair and a beard
+Must be a pacifist.
+
+And what's in the pipe that he's smoking?
+
+Santa Claus comes in your house at night.
+He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight.
+
+Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
+		-- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus"
+%
+
+SANTA IS BRINGING GOOD WISHES FROM ALL THE
+MICRO ARTISTS GANG!  MAY 1988 BE A HAPPY YEAR!
+
+
+					     \__\_ :. ___/
+						..\  /--
+ :.______ :  .:*  :  . _ .:  :..  .  :   . .  :    ()_ .:
+  ((     \. :./(__ :._O_)________:______,____:____/  *\_o
+====((    \: (****) (***) :. ...: .. .  ()_______/\\ __-'
+ \____((   \ ()oo()_/ /.:  :  ..________/_____ll   -/.: ..
+ (      ((  \(())))__/   .  ..  \\.: ..(   )  ll (  l_.:
+(       / (( \__*__)___:___ :  : ))   .) /--------\ \ \
+(      /    ((_____________) .. //  . / / /..:: .  )_)_\
+ (____/_____________________\__// :  /_/_/  :..  :/_/ \_\
+ /_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/    /_/_/
+
+
+%
+Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
+%
+Satellite Safety Tip #14:
+	If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
+%
+Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
+%
+Satire is tragedy plus time.
+		-- Lenny Bruce
+%
+Satire is what closes in New Haven.
+%
+Satire is what closes Saturday night.
+		-- George Kaufman
+%
+Sattinger's Law:
+	It works better if you plug it in.
+%
+Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
+Is like being nowhere at all,
+All through the day how the hours rush by,
+You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
+		-- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
+%
+Satyrs have more faun.
+%
+Savage's Law of Expediency:
+	You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
+%
+Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be
+surprised at how little you have.
+		-- Ernest Haskins
+%
+Save energy:  Drive a smaller shell.
+%
+Save energy: be apathetic.
+%
+Save gas, don't eat beans.
+%
+Save gas, don't use the shell.
+%
+Save the bales!
+%
+Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.
+%
+Save yourself!  Reboot in 5 seconds!
+%
+Say!  You've struck a heap of trouble--
+Bust in business, lost your wife;
+No one cares a cent about you,
+You don't care a cent for life;
+Hard luck has of hope bereft you,
+Health is failing, wish you'd die--
+Why, you've still the sunshine left you
+And the big blue sky.
+		-- R.W. Service
+%
+Say it with flowers,
+Or say it with mink,
+But whatever you do,
+Don't say it with ink!
+		-- Jimmie Durante
+%
+Say many of cameras focused t'us,
+Our middle-aged shots do us justice.
+No justice, please, curse ye!
+We really want mercy:
+You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us.
+		-- Thomas H. Hildebrandt
+%
+Say my love is easy had,
+Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
+Say I am too often sad --
+Still behold me at your side.
+
+Say I'm neither brave nor young,
+Say I woo and coddle care,
+Say the devil touched my tongue,
+Still you have my heart to wear.
+
+But say my verses do not scan,
+And I get me another man!
+		-- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words"
+%
+Say no, then negotiate.
+		-- Helga
+%
+Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.
+%
+Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout.
+%
+SCCS, the source motel!  Programs check in and never check out!
+		-- Ken Thompson
+%
+SCENARIO:
+	An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in
+	which a business decision is made.  Scenarios always come in
+	sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case.
+%
+Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful.
+%
+Scene:
+	A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living
+room.  A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and
+white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in
+filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his
+shoulder.  His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy
+intently watching him.
+
+Caption:
+	"I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy.  Now I'll have to kill you.
+%
+Schapiro's Explanation:
+	The grass is always greener on the other side --
+	but that's because they use more manure.
+%
+Schizophrenia beats being alone.
+%
+schlattwhapper, n:
+	The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
+	hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Schmidt's Observation:
+	All things being equal, a fat person  uses more soap
+	than a thin person.
+%
+Science and religion are in full accord but
+science and faith are in complete discord.
+%
+Science Fiction, Double Feature.
+Frank has built and lost his creature.
+Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet.
+The servants gone to a distant planet.
+Wo, oh, oh, oh.
+At the late night, double feature, Picture show.
+I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
+To the late night, double feature, Picture show.
+		-- Rocky Horror Picture Show
+%
+Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones.  But a
+collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones
+is a house.
+		-- Jules Henri Poincare
+%
+Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
+%
+Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
+%
+Science may someday discover what faith has always known.
+%
+Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
+Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
+Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,
+Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
+How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise?
+Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
+To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,
+Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
+Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
+And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
+To seek a shelter in some happier star?
+Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
+The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
+The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?
+		-- Edgar Allen Poe, "Science, a Sonnet"
+%
+Scientists still know less about what attracts men
+than they do about what attracts mosquitoes.
+		-- Dr. Joyce Brothers,
+		"What Every Woman Should Know About Men"
+%
+Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
+They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that
+was built. Finally the big day was at hand.  All the computers were
+linked together.  They asked the question, "Is there a God?".  Lights
+started blinking, flashing and blinking some more.  Suddenly, there
+was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky,
+struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently
+together.  "There is now", came the reply.
+%
+Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific,
+Fain how I pause at your nature specific,
+Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
+Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
+Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific,
+Fain how I pause at your nature specific.
+%
+Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.
+%
+SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
+	You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.  You will achieve
+	the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics.  Most
+	Scorpio people are murdered.
+%
+SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
+	Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans.  Smile.  Check
+	for concealed weapons.  Your natural cheerfulness makes others want
+	to throw up.  Knock it off.
+%
+SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21)
+	You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million
+	dollars in prizes.  It will be from a magazine trying to get you to
+	subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance
+	to win.  You never learn.
+%
+Scott's First Law:
+	No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
+
+Scott's Second Law:
+	When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
+	to have been wrong in the first place.
+Corollary:
+	After the correction has been found in error, it will be
+	impossible to fit the original quantity back into the
+	equation.
+%
+Scotty:	Captain, we din' can reference it!
+Kirk:	Analysis, Mr. Spock?
+Spock:	Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
+Kirk:	Then it's of external origin?
+Spock:	Affirmative.
+Kirk:	Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
+Sulu:	Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
+%
+Scratch the disks, dump the core,	Shut it down, pull the plug
+Roll the tapes across the floor,	Give the core an extra tug
+And the system is going to crash.	And the system is going to crash.
+Teletypes smashed to bits.		Mem'ry cards, one and all,
+Give the scopes some nasty hits		Toss out halfway down the hall
+And the system is going to crash.	And the system is going to crash.
+And we've also found			Just flip one switch
+When you turn the power down,		And the lights will cease to twitch
+You turn the disk readers into trash.	And the tape drives will crumble
+Oh, it's so much fun,				in a flash.
+Now the CPU won't run			 When the CPU
+And the system is going to crash.	Can print nothing out but "foo,"
+					The system is going to crash.
+		-- To The Caissons Go Rolling Along
+%
+Scratch the disks!
+Drop the core!
+Roll the tapes across the floor!
+%
+Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.
+%
+SCRIBLINE:
+	The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes.
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!
+		-- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix
+%
+Sears has everything.
+%
+Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks.
+%
+Second Law of Business Meetings:
+	If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
+	will pick the wrong one.
+
+Corollary:
+	If there is only one way to spell a name,
+	you will spell it wrong, anyway.
+%
+Second Law of Final Exams:
+	In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most
+	distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
+%
+Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
+%
+Secretary's Revenge:
+	Filing almost everything under "the".
+%
+Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
+%
+Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?
+[Who guards the Guardians?]
+%
+Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
+She scissored short.  Sorely shorn,
+Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
+Silently scheming,
+Sightlessly seeking
+Some savage, spectacular suicide.
+		-- Stanislaw Lem
+%
+See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause
+the second one should have seen it.
+%
+Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what
+was going on.  One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney
+who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to
+himself to demonstrate his committment to the Rev. Moon.  The man gasped and
+asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation.
+	"Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so
+far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches."
+%
+Seeing is believing.
+You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.
+%
+Seeing is deceiving.  It's eating that's believing.
+		-- James Thurber
+%
+Seeing that death, a necessary end,
+Will come when it will come.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
+%
+Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.
+		-- Alfred North Whitehead
+%
+Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were
+driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out.  They screamed down the
+mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by
+luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged
+rocks.  They all got out of the car:
+        The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."
+        The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it
+into town and have a specialist look at it."
+        The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back
+in and see if it does it again."
+%
+Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription
+counter and rings the bell.  The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
+you?".
+	The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please."
+	"Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
+you like me to put it on your bill?"
+	Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?"
+%
+Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
+to turn it into a thriving enterprise.  The fields are grown over with weeds,
+the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
+During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's
+work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your
+dreams!"
+	A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.
+Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is
+completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and
+other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields
+are filled with crops planted in neat rows.  "Amazing!" the preacher says.
+"Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
+	"Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was
+like when God was working it alone!"
+%
+Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska,
+and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash
+register.
+	"Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
+	"Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man.
+	"GRIZZLIES?!?!"
+	"A few."
+	"Got any bear bells?"
+	"What's that?"
+	"You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so
+bears know yer there so's they can run away ...  I'll take one fer black
+bears, and one fer them grizzlies.  Say, how do you know yer in grizzly
+country, anyhow?"
+	"Look fer scatt.  Grizzly scatt's different from black bear scatt."
+	"Well now, what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?"
+	"Bear bells."
+%
+Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.
+Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"
+
+In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?"
+In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?"
+In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?"
+In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?"
+%
+Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his
+doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man
+that the only thing for his headaches was castration.  After a few more
+months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.
+Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously,
+and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better.
+He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him
+up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."
+	The guy is amazed.  "How'd you know?"
+	"Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within
+a quarter inch on every piece of clothing."  The salesman's claim is borne
+out.  Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long.  And so on and so forth.
+When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy
+some new underwear.
+	The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."
+	"No, that's wrong," says the man.  "I've always worn a 32."  The
+salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far.  The man argues, agreeing
+that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.
+	Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you,
+you *have* to wear a 34.  Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."
+%
+Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for
+Joy.  But she sidestepped, and they missed.
+%
+Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
+		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
+	Ice Cream cures all ills.  Temporarily.
+%
+semper en excretus
+%
+SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!!
+%
+Send some filthy mail.
+%
+Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root.
+		-- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide"
+%
+SENILITY:
+	The state of mind of elderly persons
+	with whom one happens to disagree.
+%
+Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very
+little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists.
+In fact he is further to the right than General Batista.
+		-- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958
+%
+Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
+%
+Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share.
+		-- Graham Greene
+%
+SERENDIPITY:
+	The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
+%
+Serfs up!
+		-- Spartacus
+%
+Serocki's Stricture:
+	Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
+%
+Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
+%
+Set the cart before the horse.
+		-- John Heywood
+%
+Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a
+swank hotel in New York.  Most of the major stars of the chess world were
+there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages
+retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment.  In the lobby,
+some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the
+fastest, and the best chess player in the world.  The argument got quite
+loud, as various players claimed that honor.  At that point, a security
+guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's
+anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
+%
+Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
+Is all my brain and body need.
+Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
+Are very good indeed.
+
+Take your silly ways,
+Throw them out the window,
+The wisdom of your ways,
+I've been there and I know,
+Lots of other ways...
+		-- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties"
+%
+Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
+%
+Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
+		-- Lewis Grizzard
+%
+Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich.  But a cheese sandwich,
+if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important.
+		-- Ian Dury
+%
+Sex is an emotion in motion.
+		-- Mae West
+%
+"Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is
+for diet Coke."
+		-- Malcolm DacDougall
+%
+Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
+		-- Garrison Keillor
+%
+Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad,
+it's still darn tasty!
+%
+Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation...  The other eight are
+unimportant.
+		-- Henry Miller
+%
+Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
+		-- M.C. Reed
+%
+Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the
+most amount of trouble.
+		-- John Barrymore
+%
+Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is
+repeated until infinity.
+		-- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist
+		   Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines,
+		   1973.
+%
+Sex without love is an empty experience, but,
+as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon
+how children do not come into the world.
+		-- Karl Kraus
+%
+Shah, shah!  Ayatulla you so!
+%
+Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight:
+always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?
+		-- J.M. Barrie
+%
+Shame is an improper emotion invented by
+pietists to oppress the human race.
+		-- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria"
+%
+Shannon's Observation
+	Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation
+	that is beginning to improve.
+%
+share, n:
+	To give in, endure humiliation.
+%
+Shaw's Principle:
+	Build a system that even a fool can use,
+	and only a fool will want to use it.
+%
+She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking
+good.
+		-- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
+%
+She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge,
+containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax
+for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having
+the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use.
+
+In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick,
+not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the
+worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it."
+	-- David Bodanis, "The Secret House"
+%
+She asked me, "What's your sign?"
+I blinked and answered "Neon,"
+I thought I'd blow her mind...
+%
+She been married so many times
+she got rice marks all over her face.
+		-- Tom Waits
+%
+She blinded me with science!
+%
+She can kill all your files;
+She can freeze with a frown.
+And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down.
+And she works on her code until ten after three.
+She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me.
+		-- Apologies to Billy Joel
+%
+She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
+		-- Tommy Manville
+%
+She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud.
+%
+She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
+		-- Gypsy Rose Lee
+%
+She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few
+years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and
+left.  Excited a few men in the meantime.
+	-- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's
+	   involvement in "The Avengers".
+%
+She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him
+a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
+%
+She often gave herself very good advice
+(though she very seldom followed it).
+		-- Lewis Carroll
+%
+She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.
+		-- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance
+%
+She say, Miss Colie, You better hush.  God might hear you.
+Let 'im hear me, I say.  If he ever listened to poor colored
+women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.
+		-- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple"
+%
+She sells cshs by the cshore.
+%
+She stood on the tracks
+Waving her arms
+Leading me to that third rail shock
+Quick as a wink
+She changed her mind
+
+She gave me a night
+That's all it was
+What will it take until I stop
+Kidding myself
+Wasting my time
+
+There's nothing else I can do
+'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna
+I don't want anyone new
+'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna
+There's nothing in it for you
+'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna
+		-- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses)
+%
+She was bred in ol' Kentucky
+But she's just a crumb up here
+She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed
+With a cauliflower ear
+Someday we will be married
+And if vegetables become too dear
+I'll just cut me a slice of
+Her cauliflower ear!
+		-- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges"
+%
+She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is
+good at being short.
+		-- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe
+%
+She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
+%
+She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver.
+%
+She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n!  The batteries are dead!
+%
+Shedenhelm's Law:
+	All trails have more uphill sections
+	than they have downhill sections.
+%
+"Shelter", what a nice name for for a place where you polish your cat.
+%
+Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
+turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
+bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
+night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
+aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
+		-- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
+		   bad fiction contest.
+%
+Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken
+him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him.  Such an excess of
+stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.
+		-- Samuel Johnson
+%
+Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken
+him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him.  Such an excess
+of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.
+		-- Samuel Johnson
+%
+She's learned to say things with her eyes
+that others waste time putting into words.
+%
+She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.
+%
+She's such a kinky girl,
+The kind you don't take home to mother.
+She will never let your spirits down
+Once you get her off the street.
+%
+She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
+		-- Mae West
+%
+Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet!  I'm hunting wabbits...
+%
+Shick's Law:
+	There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
+%
+Shift to the left,
+Shift to the right,
+Mask in, mask out,
+BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
+%
+SHIFT TO THE LEFT!
+SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
+POP UP, PUSH DOWN,
+BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
+%
+Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
+%
+Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today.  Two freaks
+in a van  [Oh no!!  It's the Copyright Police!!]  Her aura-charred body was
+laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society
+of Asinine Flake Entertainers].  Excerpted from some of his more quotable
+comments:
+
+	"Truly a woman of the times.  These times, those times..."
+	"A Renaissance woman.  Why in 1432..."
+	"A man for all seasons.  Really..."
+
+After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful
+it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead
+body join her long dead brain.
+%
+Sho' they got to have it against the law.  Shoot, ever'body git high,
+they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens.  Hee-hee.
+		-- Terry Southern
+%
+Short people get rained on last.
+%
+Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.
+		-- Martin Mull
+%
+Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot.
+Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.
+		-- Leo Durocher
+%
+Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll
+show you a man who playing golf with his boss.
+%
+Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.
+%
+Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
+%
+Showing up is 80% of life.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer.
+		-- Voltaire
+%
+Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.
+[If youth but knew, if old age but could.]
+		-- Henri Estienne
+%
+Sic transit gloria Monday!
+%
+Sic transit gloria mundi.
+[So passes away the glory of this world.]
+		-- Thomas a Kempis
+%
+Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi.
+%
+Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
+%
+Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
+%
+Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
+		-- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
+%
+Silence can be the biggest lie of all.  We have a responsibility to speak
+up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to
+raise bloody hell.
+		-- Herbert Block
+%
+Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.
+		-- Thomas Carlyle
+%
+Silence is the only virtue you have left.
+%
+sillema sillema nika su
+[translation: look it up...hint-fin]
+%
+Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
+%
+Silly Sally was baby sitting.  But Silly Sally was getting bored.  Thinking
+a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage.  Silly Sally pushed the
+carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one.  She pushed
+the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN!  It slipped out
+of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest
+intersection in town.   BUT!
+
+Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
+BECAUSE!  SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL!
+
+Silly Sally was playing in the garage.  And she was being disobedient.
+She was playing with matches...  AND...  She burned down the garage.
+(OHHHHHH)  Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally!  You have been naughty!
+And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!"  BUT!
+
+Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
+BECAUSE!  SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN!
+%
+Silverman's Law:
+	If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
+%
+Simon's Law:
+	Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
+%
+Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.
+%
+Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
+		-- Hubert Kirrman
+%
+Sin boldly.
+		-- Martin Luther
+%
+Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
+%
+Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.
+All other "sins" are invented nonsense.
+(Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).
+		-- Lazarus Long
+%
+Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised
+when others believe him.
+		-- Charles DeGaulle
+%
+Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!
+%
+Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space,
+cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward
+this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune.
+%
+Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is,
+having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well
+burst out in laughter.
+		-- Long Chen Pa
+%
+Since I hurt my pendulum
+My life is all erratic.
+My parrot who was cordial
+Is now transmitting static.
+The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
+The cat keeps doing poo.
+The only thing that keeps me sane
+Is talking to my shoe.
+		-- My Shoe
+%
+Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos.
+		-- Tom Stoppard
+%
+Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
+alive.
+		-- John Sloan
+%
+Sink or Swim with Teddy!
+%
+Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.
+%
+Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable.
+		-- CP30
+%
+[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues
+I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
+		-- Winston Churchill
+%
+Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of
+Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from
+loneliness and despair!  Send some company for Your sake!"
+
+God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all
+the days of your life.  Never complains.  Looks up to you in every way.
+It'll cost you though".
+
+"Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and
+the birds of the air palls after a while.  What's the price?"
+
+"An arm and a leg", said God.
+
+Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed.  "So, what can I get
+for a rib?"
+%
+Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful
+objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets.  Imagination without skill
+gives us modern art.
+		-- Tom Stoppard
+%
+Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
+	That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
+	or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you
+	should have gotten.
+%
+skldfjkljklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil
+h;asvgy8p	23r1vyui135	2
+kmxsij90TYDFS$$b	jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j	nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[,
+		[hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf']
+				sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y
+
+
+Now look what you've gone and done!  You've broken it!
+%
+Slang is language that takes off its coat,
+spits on its hands, and goes to work.
+%
+Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when
+a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent
+songs.  I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as
+those without might see and hear.  They told a tale which was then altogether
+beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep,
+breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest
+anguish.  Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God
+for deliverance from chains.
+		-- Frederick Douglass
+%
+Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
+		-- W.C. Fields
+%
+Sleep is for the weak and sickly.
+%
+Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
+	1)  Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
+	2)  A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
+	3)  There are two types of dirt:  the dark kind, which is
+	    attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
+	    attracted to dark objects.
+%
+Slous' Contention:
+	If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
+%
+Slow day.
+Practice crawling.
+%
+SLURM:
+	The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it
+	sits in the dish too long.
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
+%
+Small is beautiful.
+		-- Schumacher's Dictum
+%
+Small things make base men proud.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
+%
+Smartness runs in my family.  When I went to school I was so smart my
+teacher was in my class for five years.
+		-- George Burns
+%
+Smear the road with a runner!!
+%
+Smile!  You're on Candid Camera.
+%
+Smile, Cthulu Loathes You.
+%
+Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.
+		-- Fran Lebowitz
+%
+SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!!
+	Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the
+	U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS),
+	describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on
+	the environment, and anticipated opposition.  Statements must be
+	filed 30 days in advance.
+%
+Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
+		-- Fletcher Knebel
+%
+Smoking Prohibited.  Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.
+%
+Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure!
+		-- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office
+%
+SNACKTREK:
+	The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
+	returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will
+	have materialized.
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Snakes.  Why did it have to be snakes?
+%
+SNAPPY REPARTEE:
+	What you'd say if you had another chance.
+%
+Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from.
+%
+Snow and adolescence are the only problems
+that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
+%
+Snow Day -- stay home.
+%
+Snow White has become a camera buff.  She spends hours and hours
+shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics.  Then she
+mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service.  It takes weeks
+for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right
+with Snow White.  She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps
+the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come."
+%
+So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they
+go to work?
+%
+So do the noble fall.  For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making.
+A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality.  Against the greater force
+they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because
+of obligations.  And when the noble fall, the base remain.  The base -- whose
+only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect.  Whose only
+purpose is to destroy.  The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of
+strength.  For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force.
+Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore.
+		-- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193
+%
+So far as I can remember, there is not one
+word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.
+		-- Bertrand Russell
+%
+So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far
+as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical
+way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.
+		-- T.S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire
+%
+So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course
+of action.  Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a
+friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth
+could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could
+use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-
+for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible
+the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to
+extrapolate the location of their kitchens).
+		-- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost"
+%
+So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back?
+%
+So, if there's no God, who changes the water?
+		-- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl
+%
+So I'm ugly.  So what?  I never saw anyone hit with his face.
+		-- Yogi Berra
+%
+So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as
+large as it needs to be?
+%
+So little time, so little to do.
+		-- Oscar Levant
+%
+So live that you wouldn't be ashamed
+to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
+%
+So many beautiful women and so little time.
+		-- John Barrymore
+%
+So many men and so little time.
+%
+So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.
+		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
+%
+So many women, and so little time!
+%
+So many women, so little nerve.
+%
+So much food, and so little time!
+%
+So much
+depends
+upon
+a red
+
+wheel
+barrow
+glazed with
+
+rain
+water
+beside
+the white
+chickens.
+		-- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow"
+%
+So now
+that you have-
+
+you know, whoever
+
+you're trying
+to do
+
+a favor
+for
+
+-you've done it-
+
+and I'm sure
+you had
+
+a smirk
+on your mouth
+
+as you got me
+into this.
+	-- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
+	   composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public Radio.
+	   From SPY Magazine, November 1992
+%
+So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and
+at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into
+the shop. "What! no soap?"  So he died, and she very imprudently married
+the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum
+himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing
+the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of
+their boots.
+		-- Samuel Foote
+%
+So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie;
+and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head
+into the shop. "What! no soap?"  So he died, and she very imprudently
+married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand
+Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all
+fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran
+out at the heels of their boots.
+		-- Samuel Foote
+%
+So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
+and yet it is not; it is but so so.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
+%
+So... so you think you can tell
+Heaven from Hell?
+Blue skies from pain?			Did they get you to trade
+Can you tell a green field		Your heroes for ghosts?
+From a cold steel rail?			Hot ashes for trees?
+A smile from a veil?			Hot air for a cool breeze?
+Do you think you can tell?		Cold comfort for change?
+					Did you exchange
+					A walk on part in a war
+					For the lead role in a cage?
+		-- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"
+%
+So the documentary-makers stick with sharks.  Generally, their procedure is
+to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as to infest the
+waters.  I would estimate that the primary food source of sharks today is
+bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making documentaries.  Once the
+sharks arrive, they are generally fairly listless.  The general shark attitude
+seems to be: "Oh God, another documentary."  So the divers have to somehow
+goad them into attacking, under the guise of Scientific Research.  "We know
+very little about the effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will
+say, in a deeply scientific voice.  "That is why Todd is going to jab this
+Great White in the testicles with a cattle prod."  The divers keep this kind
+of thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
+then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very dangerous
+development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+So this it it.  We're going to die.
+%
+So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway?
+And why can't he ever remember his Bible?
+%
+So, you better watch out!
+You better not cry!
+You better not pout!
+I'm telling you why,
+Santa Claus is coming, to town.
+
+He knows when you've been sleeping,
+He know when you're awake.
+He knows if you've been bad or good,
+He has ties with the CIA.
+So...
+%
+"So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might
+	want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime."
+"Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David."
+"Friday, then?"
+"Why not, David, it might even be fun."
+		-- Dating in Minnesota
+%
+So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh?  In reality all
+core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have tomorrow,
+why, it already happened.  You see, its just a little universal recursive joke
+which threads our lives through the infinite potential of the instant.  So go
+to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment and cast you out of the
+safe security of the instant into the dark void of eternity, the anti-time.
+So go to sleep, ...
+%
+So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh?  In reality
+all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have
+tomorrow, why, it already happened.  You see, it's just a little universal
+recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of
+the instant.  So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment
+and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of
+eternity, the anti-time.  So go to sleep...
+%
+So you think that money is the root of all evil.
+Have you ever asked what is the root of money?
+		-- Ayn Rand
+%
+So you're back... about time...
+%
+Soap and education are not as sudden as a
+massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+SOCIALISM:
+	You have two cows.  Give one to your neighbour.
+COMMUNISM:
+	You have two cows.
+	Give both to the government.  The government gives you milk.
+CAPITALISM:
+	You sell one cow and buy a bull.
+FACISM:
+	You have two cows.  Give milk to the government.
+	The government sells it.
+NAZISM:
+	The government shoots you and takes the cows.
+NEW DEALISM:
+	The government shoots one cow,
+	milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
+ANARCHISM:
+	Keep the cows.  Steal another one.  Shoot the government.
+CONSERVATISM:
+	Freeze the milk.  Embalm the cows.
+%
+Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run
+like a staff function."  
+		-- Paul Licker
+%
+Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
+"user-friendly".  ...  Their best approach, so far, has been to take all
+the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover.
+		-- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc.
+%
+Soldiers who wish to be a hero
+Are practically zero,
+But those who wish to be civilians,
+They run into the millions.
+%
+Solipsists of the World... you are already united.
+		-- Kayvan Sylvan
+%
+Solutions are obvious if one only has the
+optical power to observe them over the horizon.
+		-- K.A. Arsdall
+%
+Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed,
+and some few to be chewed and digested.
+		-- Francis Bacon
+	[As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows.  Ed.]
+%
+Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them.
+Others are so fast, they don't notice you.
+%
+Some circumstantial evidence is very strong,
+as when you find a trout in the milk.
+		-- Thoreau
+%
+Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
+%
+Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.
+%
+Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
+		-- Ed Howe
+%
+Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right
+places!
+		-- Mae West
+%
+Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity,
+and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
+		-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
+%
+Some men are discovered; others are found out.
+%
+Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think
+about sex at all... they become lawyers.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness
+that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
+%
+Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
+		-- Maureen Murphy
+%
+Some men feel that the only thing they owe
+the woman who marries them is a grudge.
+		-- Helen Rowland
+%
+Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear
+lest she should catch a cold on overexposure.
+		-- Samuel Butler
+%
+Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.
+		-- Woodie Guthrie
+%
+Some men who fear that they are playing
+second fiddle aren't in the band at all.
+%
+Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is.
+The answer is: I don't know.
+Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
+%
+Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the
+old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent
+I can find for "landskap").  These laws were written down sometime in the
+13th century, but date back even down into Viking times.  The oldest one is
+the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some
+Christian stuff.  In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the
+Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc.  Here is
+an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of
+"lekare".
+	"If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it.  If an artist
+	is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with
+	fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring
+	it out on the hillside.  Then they shall shave off all hair from the
+	heifer's tail, and grease the tail.  Then the artist shall be given
+	newly greased shoes.  Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail,
+	and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip.  If he can hold her, he
+	shall have the animal.  If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what
+	he received, shame and wounds."
+%
+Some of the things that live the longest
+in peoples' memories never really happened.
+%
+Some of them want to use you,
+Some of them want to be used by you,
+...Everybody's looking for something.
+		-- Eurythmics
+%
+Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
+		-- Gloria Steinem
+%
+Some parts of the past must be preserved,
+and some of the future prevented at all costs.
+%
+Some people are afraid of heights.  I'm afraid of widths.
+	-- Stephen Wright
+%
+Some people around here wouldn't recognize
+subtlety if it hit them on the head.
+%
+Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional
+transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into
+two-dimensional ones.
+		-- F. Frederick Skitty
+%
+Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
+%
+Some people cause happiness wherever
+they go; others, whenever they go.
+%
+Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep,
+but at least you only have to climb it once.
+%
+Some people have a great ambition: to build something
+that will last, at least until they've finished building it.
+%
+Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have
+only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
+%
+Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.
+%
+Some people have parts that are so private
+they themselves have no knowledge of them.
+%
+Some people live life in the fast lane.
+You're in oncoming traffic.
+%
+Some people manage by the book, even though they
+don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
+%
+Some people need a good imaginary cure
+for their painful imaginary ailment.
+%
+Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
+%
+Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
+%
+Some people say a front-engine car handles best.  Some people say a
+rear-engine car handles best.  I say a rented car handles best.
+		-- P.J. O'Rourke
+%
+Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains.
+They say things they haven't even thought of yet.
+%
+Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
+%
+Some say the world will end in fire,
+Some say in ice.
+From what I've tasted of desire
+I hold with those who favor fire.
+But if it had to perish twice
+I think I know enough of hate
+To say that for destruction, ice
+Is also great
+And would suffice
+		-- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"
+%
+Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.
+		-- Folk saying
+%
+Some things have to be believed to be seen.
+%
+Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
+		-- W.C. Fields
+%
+Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers
+so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
+%
+Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road,
+Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code,
+Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck,
+When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck.
+
+Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise,
+Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice.
+Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat,
+That don't smell very nice --
+He's nobody's moggy now.
+
+Oh you who love your pussy,
+Be sure to keep him in.
+Don't let him argue with a truck,	If he tries to play
+The truck is bound to win.		On the road way
+And upon the busy road,			I'm afraid that will be that,
+Don't let him play or frolic.		There will be one last despairing
+If you do, I'm warning you,			"Meow!"
+It could be cat-astrophic!		And a sort of squelchy Splat!
+					And your pussy will be slightly dead,
+He's nobody's moggy --			And very, very flat!
+Just red and squashed and soggy --
+He's nobody's moggy now.
+		-- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper"
+%
+Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
+I found a pile of them over in the corner.
+%
+Someday somebody has got to decide whether the
+typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it.
+%
+Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will
+probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a
+blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.
+		-- Mister Boffo
+%
+Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
+		-- Evan Davis
+%
+Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
+%
+Someday your prints will come.
+		-- Kodak
+%
+Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing
+when I was passing through satisfaction.
+		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
+%
+Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.
+%
+Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York
+City.  One is "Hey, taxi."  Two is, "What train do I take to get to
+Bloomingdale's?"  And three is, "Don't worry.  It's just a flesh wound."
+		-- David Letterman
+%
+Someone is speaking well of you.
+%
+Someone is speaking well of you.
+How unusual!
+%
+Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
+%
+Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
+%
+Someone will try to honk your nose today.
+%
+Something better...
+
+ 1 (obvious): Excuse me.  Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
+ 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover.  She's going to blow.
+ 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore 
+	something larger.  Like ... Wyoming.
+ 4 (personal): Well, here we are.  Just the three of us.
+ 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen.  Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
+	minutes late.
+ 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you.  Gosh.  To be able to smell your
+	own ear.
+ 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir.  Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't
+	mind putting that thing away.
+ 8 (philosophical): You know.  It's not the size of a nose that's important.
+	It's what's in it that matters.
+ 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you.  Sneeze and its goodbye
+	Seattle.
+10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
+11 (polite): Ah.  Would you mind not bobbing your head.  The orchestra keeps
+	changing tempo.
+12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
+		-- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
+%
+Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.
+		-- Benjamin Disraeli
+%
+Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
+		-- Shakespeare
+%
+Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...
+and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn.
+		-- N.V. Plyter
+%
+Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
+		-- Sigmund Freud
+%
+Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a
+fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.
+		-- Montesquieu
+%
+Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm
+smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them.
+		-- Richard M. Nixon
+%
+Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
+		-- Seneca
+%
+Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away,
+Looking at me, I got nothin' to say.
+Don't make me angry with the things games that you play,
+Either light up or leave me alone.
+%
+Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and
+the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the
+world.
+		-- Robert Stone
+%
+Sometimes I live in the country,
+And sometimes I live in town.
+And sometimes I have a great notion,
+To jump in the river and drown.
+%
+Sometimes I simply feel that the whole
+world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray.
+%
+Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.
+Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.
+		-- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
+%
+Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
+		-- Lily Tomlin
+%
+Sometimes it happens.  People just explode.  Natural causes.
+		-- Repo Man
+%
+Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.
+%
+SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw
+back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears
+me because I am beautiful.
+		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
+%
+Sometimes the light is all shining on me,
+Other times I can hardly see.
+Lately it occurs to me
+What a long strange trip it's been.
+		-- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty"
+%
+Sometimes, too long is too long.
+		-- Joe Crowe
+%
+Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar.  I feel
+like I've just got to bite a cat!  I feel like if I don't bite a cat
+before sundown, I'll go crazy!  But then I just take a deep breath and
+forget about it.  That's what is known as real maturity.
+		-- Snoopy
+%
+Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means
+to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her.
+		-- Andy Capp
+%
+Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone
+else is driving.
+		-- David Letterman
+%
+Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.
+%
+Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
+%
+Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a
+woman giving birth to a child.  She must be found and stopped.
+		-- Sam Levenson
+%
+Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
+		-- Carl Sagan
+%
+Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which
+the seal is not yet broken.  And he is going to offer to bet you that he can
+make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears.
+But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with a ear full of cider.
+		-- Sky Masterson's Father
+%
+Sooner or later you must pay for your sins.
+(Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie).
+%
+Sorry.  Nice try.
+%
+Sorry never means having you're say to love.
+%
+Space is big.  You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly
+big it is.  I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the
+drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
+		-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
+%
+Space is to place as eternity is to time.
+		-- Joseph Joubert
+%
+Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.
+		-- Wheeler
+%
+Space: the final frontier.  These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
+Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life
+and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.
+		-- Captain James T. Kirk
+%
+SPAGMUMPS:
+	Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items.
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Speak roughly to your little boy,
+	And beat him when he sneezes:
+He only does it to annoy
+	Because he knows it teases.
+
+	Wow! wow! wow!
+
+I speak severely to my boy,
+	And beat him when he sneezes:
+For he can thoroughly enjoy
+	The pepper when he pleases!
+
+	Wow! wow! wow!
+%
+Speak roughly to your little Vax,
+And boot it when it crashes;
+It knows that one cannot relax
+Because the paging thrashes!
+
+I speak severely to my Vax,
+And boot it when it crashes;
+In spite of all my favorite hacks,
+My jobs it always trashes!
+%
+Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
+%
+"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
+ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
+mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee.  Of all divers,
+thou has dived the deepest.  That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
+moved amid the world's foundations.  Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
+and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
+earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
+water-land, there was thy most familiar home.  Thou hast been where bell or
+diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
+would give their lives to lay them down.  Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
+leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
+wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them.  Thou saw'st the
+murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
+into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
+on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
+have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms.  O head! thou has
+seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
+syllable is thine!"
+		-- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
+%
+Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure
+that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing,
+all-encompassing monster.  Allocate an array and free the middle third?
+Sure!  Why not?  Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the
+result to a float decimal?  Go ahead!  Free a controlled variable procedure
+parameter and reallocate it before passing it back?  Overlay three different
+types of variable on the same memory location?  Anything you say!  Write a
+recursive macro?  Well, no, but Real Men use rescan.  How could a language
+so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
+%
+Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these
+days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate
+with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children
+who can't communicate with their parents, and so on.  And the characters in
+these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours
+bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate.  I feel that if a person can't
+communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up!
+		-- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
+%
+Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's
+on sale.  After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!
+%
+Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!!
+Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited
+young adventurers.  All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate
+students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions.
+Faculty members especially welcome.
+%
+Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the
+motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days,
+when the driver will be permitted to make what he can.
+		-- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907
+%
+Spence's Admonition:
+	Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
+%
+Spend extra time on hobby.  Get plenty of rolling papers.
+%
+SPINSTER:
+	A bachelor's wife.
+%
+SPIRTLE:
+	The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands
+	right in your eye.
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Spock: The odds of surviving another
+attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.
+%
+Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
+%
+SPOUSE:
+	Someone who'll stand by you through all the 
+	trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
+%
+Spring is here, spring is here,
+Life is skittles and life is beer.
+%
+SQUATCHO:
+	The button at the top of a baseball cap.
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick.
+%
+St. Patrick was a gentleman
+who through strategy and stealth
+drove all the snakes from Ireland.
+Here's a toasting to his health --
+but not too many toastings
+lest you lose yourself and then
+forget the good St. Patrick
+and see all those snakes again.
+%
+Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
+%
+Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.
+%
+Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside.  Wheezing his last
+words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are
+now in your hands.  But before I go, I want to give you some advice."
+	"Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently.  Reaching under
+his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2.
+	"Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't
+open them.  Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well,
+open the first one.  That'll give you some advice on what to do.  And, if
+after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one."  And
+with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.
+	Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems --
+unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless.  He decided it
+was time to open the first letter.  All it said was: "Blame everything on me!"
+So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin
+for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system.
+	But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much
+deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter.
+	All it said was: "Write two letters."
+%
+Stamp out organized crime!!  Abolish the IRS.
+%
+Stamp out philately.
+%
+STANDARDS:
+	The principles we use to reject other people's code.
+%
+Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by
+no means the only 'certain' standard.  If you mistake what is relative for
+something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.
+		-- Chuang Tzu
+%
+Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
+%
+Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men:
+they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night.
+%
+Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel;
+Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest
+science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who!  And I'll take you all
+on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
+		-- Harlan Ellison
+%
+Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
+		-- W.C. Fields
+%
+Start the day with a smile.
+After that you can be your nasty old self again.
+%
+State license plates we'd like to see:
+
+	   NEVADA				MASSACHUSETTS
+	  LVME 10DR				  OW-A CAH
+LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS	   THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE
+
+	   HAWAII				WISCONSIN
+	   L-O HA				 CHEDDAR
+FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND	    EAT CHEESE OR DIE
+%
+State license plates we'd like to see:
+
+	ALABAMA					ARIZONA
+	IC1 NOW					120  F
+THE UFO SIGHTING STATE			THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE
+
+	CONNECTICUT				MISSISSIPPI
+	 5:36  EXP				  4I4S2PS
+WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES	THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE
+
+	TEXAS					FLORIDA
+      1-2-3 HIKE				ZON KED
+ PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE			AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER
+%
+State license plates we'd like to see:
+
+	MICHIGAN				CALIFORNIA
+       4-GET 74-77				EGO-MN-E-X
+EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD	THE SERIAL KILLER STATE
+
+	NORTH CAROLINA				NEW JERSEY
+	  WL-GOLLY				 ARG GGH
+HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS	   FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE
+
+	  KANSAS				WASHINGTON DC
+	  TOTO -2				$10000000 ETC
+THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ	WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810
+	  MOVIE STATE
+%
+STATISTICS:
+	A system for expressing your political
+	prejudices in convincing scientific guise.
+%
+Statistics are no substitute for judgement.
+		-- Henry Clay
+%
+Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
+%
+Stay away from flying saucers today.
+%
+Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
+%
+Stay the curse.
+%
+Stay together, drag each other down.
+%
+Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time,
+There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying,
+One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying,
+
+And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late,
+Though we really did try to make it,
+Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it...
+
+It used to be so easy living here with you,
+You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
+Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool.
+
+There'll be good times again for me and you,
+But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too?
+But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you...
+
+But it's too late baby...
+It's too late, now darling, it's too late...
+		-- Carol King, "Tapestry"
+%
+Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time.  So
+long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental
+hooks into, there is room for lateral movement.  Once this begins,
+its rate is a matter of discretion.
+		-- Corwin, "Prince of Amber"
+%
+Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
+%
+Steckel's Rule to Success:
+	Good enough is never good enough.
+%
+Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
+	Everybody should believe in something --
+	I believe I'll have another drink.
+%
+Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays.
+Embezzlement is another matter.
+%
+Stenderup's Law:
+	The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
+%
+Step back, unbelievers!
+Or the rain will never come.
+Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum.
+You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane,
+But I swear to you, before this day is out,
+	you folks are gonna see some rain!
+%
+Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle
+Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad
+so he could breed boneless shad.  His experiment backfired too, and he
+wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble.  There's
+very little call for those up there.
+		-- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone
+%
+Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.
+Say, do you have a map to the next joint?
+%
+Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise.
+		-- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984
+%
+Stock's Observation:
+	You no sooner get your head above water
+	but what someone pulls your flippers off.
+%
+Stone's Law:
+	One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"
+%
+Stop!  There was first a game of blindman's buff.  Of course there was.
+And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
+in his boots.  My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
+Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it.  The
+way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
+on the credulity of human nature.
+%
+Stop me, before I kill again!
+%
+Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.
+%
+Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.
+Now, if they'd only take a bath...
+%
+Stop searching forever.  Happiness is just next to you.
+%
+Stop searching forever.  Happiness is unattainable.
+%
+Strange things are done to be number one
+In selling the computer			The Druids were entrepreneurs,
+IBM has their strategem			And they built a granite box
+Which steadily grows acuter,		It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons,
+And Honeywell competes like Hell,	And forecast the equinox
+But the story's missing link		Their price was right, their future
+Is the system old at Stonemenge sold		bright,
+By the firm of Druids, Inc.		The prototype was sold;
+					From Stonehenge site their bits and byte
+					Would ship for Celtic gold.
+The movers came to crate the frame;
+It weighed a million ton!
+The traffic folk thought it a joke	The man spoke true, and thus to you
+(the wagon wheels just spun);		A warning from the ages;
+"They'll nay sell that," the foreman	Your stock will slip if you can't ship
+	spat,				What's in your brochure's pages.
+"Just leave the wild weeds grow;	See if it sells without the bells
+"It's Druid-kind, over-designed,	And strings that ring and quiver;
+"And belly up they'll go."		Druid repute went down the chute
+					Because they couldn't deliver.
+		-- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge"
+%
+STRATEGY:
+	A comprehensive plan of inaction.
+%
+Strategy:
+	A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime
+	after those creating it have left the organization.
+%
+Straw?  No, too stupid a fad.  I put soot on warts.
+%
+Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness.  To avoid overload
+and burnout, keep stress out of your life.  Give it to others instead.  Learn
+the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the
+"Do you feel okay?  You look pale." approach.  Start with negotiation and
+implication.  Advance to manipulation and humiliation.  Above all, relax
+and have a nice day.
+%
+Stuckness shouldn't be avoided.  It's the psychic predecessor of all
+real understanding.  An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an
+understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.
+		-- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
+%
+Stult's Report:
+	Our problems are mostly behind us.
+	What we have to do now is fight the solutions.
+%
+STUPID:
+	Losing $25 on the tackle and $25 on the instant replay.
+%
+Stupidity is its own reward.
+%
+Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.
+%
+Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re.
+Se non e vero, e ben trovato.
+%
+Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your
+editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the
+way before it is understood.
+%
+Subtlety is the art of saying what you think
+and getting out of the way before it is understood
+%
+Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names
+the streets after them.
+		-- Bill Vaughn
+%
+Success is a journey, not a destination.
+%
+Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
+%
+Success is in the minds of Fools.
+		-- William Wrenshaw, 1578
+%
+Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have
+made of things.
+		-- T.S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion"
+%
+Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
+%
+Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.
+		-- Adolph Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
+%
+Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.
+%
+Such a fine first dream!
+But they laughed at me; they said
+I had made it up.
+%
+Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion,
+when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace.
+%
+Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political,
+petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality.
+	-- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts
+%
+Such evil deeds could religion prompt.
+		-- Titus Lucretius Carus
+%
+Sudden Death Dating:
+
+Quote, female:
+	Am I worried about taking his last name?  Forget it,
+	at this point I'll take his first name, too.
+%
+Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
+The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
+Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it;
+The Path there is, but none who travel it.
+		-- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values
+%
+Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.
+%
+Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.
+%
+Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
+		-- Donald Kaul
+%
+Sum quod eris.
+%
+Sun in the night, everyone is together,
+Ascending into the heavens, life is forever.
+		-- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night"
+%
+SUN Microsystems:
+	The Network IS the Load Average.
+%
+SUNSET:
+	Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths,
+	resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with
+	progressively reducing solar elevation.
+%
+Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy
+have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.
+		-- Martin Luther
+%
+Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?
+Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of
+	    Quantum Mechanics?
+Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you?
+Supervisee: Yes.
+		-- Overheard at a supervision.
+%
+Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.
+%
+Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
+%
+Support the American Kidney Foundation.
+Don't wear your motorcycle helmet.
+%
+Support the Girl Scouts!
+	(Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)
+%
+Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
+		-- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
+		  the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association
+%
+Support your local church or synagogue.
+Worship at Bank of America.
+%
+Support your right to arm bears!!
+%
+Support your right to bare arms!
+		-- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association
+%
+Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
+rate as computers and over the same period:  how much cheaper and more
+efficient would the current models be?  If you have not already heard the
+analogy, the answer is shattering.  Today you would be able to buy a
+Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and
+it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II.  And if you
+were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on
+a pinhead.
+		-- Christopher Evans
+%
+Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.
+But what if he forgets?
+%
+Sure there are dishonest men in local government.  But there are dishonest
+men in national government too.
+		-- Richard M. Nixon
+%
+Sure there are dishonest men in local government.  But there are
+dishonest men in national government too.
+		-- Richard Nixon
+%
+"Surely you can't be serious."
+"I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."
+%
+Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.
+%
+Surprise!  You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit!
+Just type in your name and social security number.
+Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law:
+
+Name       #
+
+
+%
+Surprise due today.  Also the rent.
+%
+Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
+%
+sushi, n:
+	When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and
+	strapped on with electrical tape.
+%
+Sushido, n:
+	The way of the tuna.
+%
+Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
+		-- Wm. Shakespeare
+%
+Swap read error.  You lose your mind.
+%
+SWEATER:
+	A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly.
+%
+Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
+		-- Thomas Tusser
+%
+Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess,
+And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes".
+%
+Swerve me?  The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
+whereon my soul is grooved to run.  Over unsounded gorges, through
+the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly
+I rush!
+		-- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
+%
+Swipple's Rule of Order:
+	He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
+%
+Symptom:		Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
+			unusually pale and clear.
+Problem:		Glass empty.
+Action Required:	Find someone who will buy you another beer.
+
+Symptom:		Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
+			and the front of your shirt is wet.
+Fault:			Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
+			wrong part of face.
+Action Required:	Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
+			Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
+
+		-- Bar Troubleshooting
+%
+Symptom:		Everything has gone dark.
+Fault:			The Bar is closing.
+Action Required:	Panic.
+
+Symptom:		You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
+			You cannot see the bathroom light.
+Fault:			You have spent the night in the gutter.
+Action Required:	Check your watch to see if bars are open yet.  If not,
+			treat yourself to a lie-in.
+
+		-- Bar Troubleshooting
+%
+Symptom:		Feet cold and wet, glass empty.
+Fault:			Glass being held at incorrect angle.
+Action Required:	Turn glass other way up so that open end points
+			toward ceiling.
+
+Symptom:		Feet warm and wet.
+Fault:			Improper bladder control.
+Action Required:	Go stand next to nearest dog.  After a while complain
+			to the owner about its lack of house training and
+			demand a beer as compensation.
+
+		-- Bar Troubleshooting
+%
+Symptom:		Floor blurred.
+Fault:			You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
+Action Required:	Find someone who will buy you another beer.
+
+Symptom:		Floor moving.
+Fault:			You are being carried out.
+Action Required:	Find out if you are taken to another bar.  If not,
+			complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
+
+		-- Bar Troubleshooting
+%
+Symptom:		Floor swaying.
+Fault:			Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
+			game in progress.
+Action Required:	Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
+
+Symptom:		Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts
+			and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.
+Fault:			You have fallen forward.
+Action Required:	See above.
+
+Symptom:		Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
+			flourescent light strips.
+Fault:			You have fallen over backward.
+Action Required:	If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
+			drinking arm, stay put.  If not, get someone to help
+			you get up, lash yourself to bar.
+
+		-- Bar Troubleshooting
+%
+Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
+		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+System checkpoint complete.
+%
+System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
+%
+System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.
+%
+System going down in 5 minutes.
+%
+System restarting, wait...
+%
+System/3!  System/3!
+See how it runs! See how it runs!
+	Its monitor loses so totally!
+	It runs all its programs in RPG!
+	It's made by our favorite monopoly!
+System/3!
+%
+SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT:
+	Works equally poorly on all systems.
+%
+Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
+infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
+		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+Systems programmer:
+	A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior
+	vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you
+	are to receive from your boss.
+%
+Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
+		-- R.S. Barton
+%
+T:	One big monster, he called TROLL.
+	He don't rock, and he don't roll;
+	Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
+	He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
+		-- The Roguelet's ABC
+%
+TACKY:
+	Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions.
+%
+TACT:
+	The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
+%
+Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far.
+		-- Jean Cocteau
+%
+Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.
+		-- Jean Cocteau
+%
+Tact is the ability to tell a man he has
+an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
+%
+Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
+%
+Take a lesson from the whale; the only time
+he gets speared is when he raises to spout.
+%
+Take an astronaut to launch.
+%
+Take care of the luxuries and the
+necessities will take care of themselves.
+		-- L. Long
+%
+Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.
+		-- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
+%
+Take everything in stride.
+Trample anyone who gets in your way.
+%
+TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION:
+	Do something that should have been done a long time ago.
+%
+Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
+%
+Take me drunk,
+I'm home again!
+%
+Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man,
+but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
+		-- Kipling
+%
+Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your
+merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people
+have given them to you.
+%
+Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
+		-- Ken Kesey
+%
+Take your dying with some seriousness, however.
+Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood
+by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy.
+		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+%
+Take your Senator to lunch this week.
+%
+Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not
+take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
+		-- Booth Tarkington
+%
+Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever
+got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club.
+		-- Rev. Jim
+%
+Talent does what it can.
+Genius does what it must.
+You do what you get paid to do.
+%
+Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
+%
+Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
+		-- Euripides
+%
+Talkers are no good doers.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
+%
+Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
+		-- Laurie Anderson
+%
+Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
+		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+Tallulah Bankhead barged down the
+Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
+		-- John Mason Brown, drama critic
+%
+Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,
+Tan me hide when I'm dead.
+So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,
+It's hanging there on the shed.
+
+All together now...
+	Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
+	Tie me kangaroo down.
+	Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
+	Tie me kangaroo down.
+%
+Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey
+will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.
+		-- B. Franklin
+%
+TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
+	You are practical and persistent.  You have a dogged determination
+	and work like hell.  Most people think you are stubborn and bull
+	headed.  You are a Communist.
+%
+TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20)
+	Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will
+	find you boorish and headstrong.  Travel, promotion, and romance
+	highlighted, if you live long enough.  Don't take any wooden nickels.
+%
+TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20)
+	Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep,
+	because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway.  You will
+	decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.
+%
+TAX OFFICE:
+	Den of inequity.
+%
+Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't
+tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."
+		-- Russell Long
+%
+TAXES:
+	Of life's two certainties,
+	the only one for which you can get an extension.
+%
+TAXES:
+	Of life's two certainties, the only one for
+	which you can get an extension.
+%
+Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
+%
+TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:
+
+Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what pased for them in that era.
+Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think
+of our community as the Galapagos of the English language.
+
+"Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs."
+		-- Dave Mills
+%
+Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and,
+when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
+%
+Teachers have class.
+%
+TEAMWORK:
+	Having someone to blame.
+%
+Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
+%
+Technicality, n.  In an English court a man named Home was tried for
+slander in having accused a neighbor of murder.  His exact words were:
+"Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the
+head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the other
+side upon the other shoulder."  The defendant was acquitted by
+instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did
+not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that
+being only an inference.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow
+is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see
+before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw
+this mass.  Instead, I used subroutines.  But now I see nothing.  My whole
+being exists in a formless void.  My senses are idle.  My spirit, free to
+work without plan, follows its own instinct.  In short, my program writes
+itself.  True, sometimes there are difficult problems.  I see them coming, I
+slow down, I watch silently.  Then I change a single line of code and the
+difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke.  I then compile the program.
+I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being.  I close my eyes for
+a moment and then log off.
+%
+Technological progress has merely provided us
+with more efficient means for going backwards.
+		-- Aldous Huxley
+%
+Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
+%
+Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.
+		-- Geoffrey Chaucer
+%
+Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before
+you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew
+but weren't sure.  But if you're searching for something you don't
+already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.
+		-- Erma Bombeck
+%
+telephone, n.:
+	An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of
+making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+TELEPRESSION:
+	The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try
+	hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the
+	burden on the directory assistant.
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Television -- a medium.  So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
+		-- Ernie Kovacs
+%
+Television -- the longest amateur night in history.
+		-- Robert Carson
+%
+Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs.
+	-- Alfred Hitchcock
+%
+Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than
+each other.
+		-- Ann Landers
+%
+Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
+		-- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs
+%
+Television is now so desperately hungry for material
+that it is scraping the top of the barrel.
+		-- Gore Vidal
+%
+Television only proves that people will look at anything --
+rather than each other.
+%
+Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll
+believe you.  Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have
+to touch to be sure.
+%
+Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
+Is those things arms, or is they legs?
+I marvel at thee, Octopus;
+If I were thou, I'd call me us.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+Tell me what to think!!!
+%
+Tell me why the stars do shine,
+Tell me why the ivy twines,
+Tell me why the sky's so blue,
+And I will tell you just why I love you.
+
+	Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
+	Phototropism makes ivy twine,
+	Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue,
+	Sexual hormones are why I love you.
+%
+Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally
+promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
+		-- A. Hope
+%
+Tempt me with a spoon!
+%
+Tempt not a desperate man.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
+%
+Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
+shoot some craps.  The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
+	When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
+entire wad, shook the dice and rolled.  A smile crossed his face as a seven
+showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as a third die slipped out of
+his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others.  No one said a word.
+Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket and
+handed the others to Dutsky.
+	"Roll 'em," Lucci said.  "Your point is thirteen."
+%
+Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
+shoot some craps.  The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
+	When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
+entire wad, shook the dice and rolled.  A smile crossed his face as a
+seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out
+of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others.  No one said a
+word.  Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket
+and handed the others to Dutsky.
+	"Roll 'em," Lucci said.  "Your point is thirteen."
+%
+Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
+		-- Napoleon I
+%
+Ten years of rejection slips is nature's
+way of telling you to stop writing.
+		-- R. Geis
+%
+Terence, this is stupid stuff:
+You eat your victuals fast enough;
+There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
+To see the rate you drink your beer.
+But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
+It gives a chap the belly-ache.
+The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
+It sleeps well the horned head:
+We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
+To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
+Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
+Your friends to death before their time.
+Moping, melancholy mad:
+Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.
+		-- A.E. Housman
+%
+Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave
+school, and then work, work, work till we die.
+		-- C.S. Lewis
+%
+Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising
+amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered
+the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling
+to risk offending God's grandmother.
+		-- Len Cool, "American Pie"
+%
+Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D.  He was a pagan,
+and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about
+his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...]  To him is ascribed the
+sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe because it is absurd).
+This does not altogether accord with historical fact, for he merely said:
+	"And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because it
+	is absurd.  And buried he rose again, which is certain because it
+	is impossible."
+Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
+philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
+		-- C.G. Jung, "Psychological Types"
+	[Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church.  Ed.]
+%
+Test for paraquat:
+	Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's
+	of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes.  Strain out leaves,
+	leaving a brownish-yellow solution.  Add 100 mg each of sodium
+	bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present,
+	the solution will turn blue-green.
+%
+Testing can show the presense of bugs, but not their absence.
+		-- Dijkstra
+%
+Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
+%
+TEUTONIC:
+	Not enough gin.
+%
+TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this
+century.  It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in
+terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press.
+		-- Gordon Bell
+%
+Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean
+of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities.
+"My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the
+unbelieving dean.  At this point, one of his players happened to enter
+the dean's office.  "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he
+told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in.  "OK, Coach",
+the player replied, and was off.  "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked.
+"Yeah", replied the dean.  "He could have just picked up this phone and
+called you from here."
+%
+Texas is Hell on woman and horses.
+		-- Wayne Oakes
+%
+Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.
+		-- Adolf Hitler
+%
+Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
+%
+That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
+		-- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde"
+%
+That does not compute.
+%
+That feeling just came over me.
+		-- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler"
+%
+That government is best which governs least.
+		-- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience"
+%
+That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,
+that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love
+in the same way as us.
+		-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
+%
+That money talks,
+I'll not deny,
+I heard it once,
+It said "Good-bye.
+		-- Richard Armour
+%
+That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.
+		-- Moliere
+%
+That segment of the community with which one has the greatest
+sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most
+narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community.
+%
+That that is is that that is not is not.
+%
+That, that is, is.
+That, that is not, is not.
+That, that is, is not that, that is not.
+That, that is not, is not that, that is.
+%
+...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by
+the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on
+hardware.  This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS.
+A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the
+liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the
+REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ...
+		-- Linden and Wihelminalaan
+%
+That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
+%
+That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is
+remarkable.  Amid all the scolding, to be able to think!  But he could not
+write: that was impossible.  Socrates has not left us a single book.
+		-- Heine
+%
+That's always the way when you discover
+something new; everyone thinks you're crazy.
+		-- Evelyn E. Smith
+%
+That's life.
+	What's life?
+A magazine.
+	How much does it cost?
+Two-fifty.
+	I only have a dollar.
+That's life.
+%
+That's life for you, said McDunn.  Someone always waiting for someone
+who never comes home.  Always someone loving something more than that
+thing loves them.  And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that
+thing is, so it can't hurt you no more.
+		-- R. Bradbury, "The Fog Horn"
+%
+"That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be
+omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l."
+		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+That's no moon...
+		-- Obi-wan Kenobi
+%
+That's odd.  That's very odd.
+Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
+%
+That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.
+		-- Neil Armstrong
+%
+That's the most fun I've had without laughing.
+		-- Woody Allen, on sex
+%
+That's the thing about people who think they hate computers.  What they
+really hate is lousy programmers.
+		-- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
+%
+That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows
+returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball.
+		-- Bill Veeck
+%
+That's what she said.
+%
+That's where the money was.
+		-- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank
+
+It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
+		-- Willie Sutton
+%
+The  White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
+	"Where shall  I  begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked.
+	"Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely,
+"and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
+		-- Lewis Carroll
+%
+The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.
+		-- R.B. Greenberg
+%
+The 357.73 Theory --
+	Auditors always reject expense accounts
+	with a bottom line divisible by 5.
+%
+The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
+%
+The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.
+Don't ever do this to my eyes again.
+		-- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College
+%
+The Abrams' Principle:
+	The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
+%
+The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing.
+		-- T. Cheatham
+%
+The absent ones are always at fault.
+%
+The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.
+		-- A. Camus
+%
+The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
+%
+The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.
+		-- Clifton Fadiman
+%
+The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither
+hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level.  I think it is ignorance that
+makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain
+undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre.  For surely
+anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal.
+		-- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930
+%
+The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one
+does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home.
+		-- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour"
+%
+The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that
+he is already degraded.
+		-- George Orwell
+%
+The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex
+facts.  Seek simplicity and distrust it.
+		-- Whitehead.
+%
+The alarm clock that is louder than God's own
+belongs to the roommate with the earliest class.
+%
+The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete.
+For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*.
+		-- Bart Miller
+%
+The all-softening overpowering knell,
+The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell.
+		-- Lord Byron
+%
+The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see
+fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.
+		-- Winston Churchill, 1942
+%
+The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends
+to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.
+
+Film at 11:00.
+%
+The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the
+eagle -- on the back of a dollar.
+		-- Finlay Peter Dunne
+%
+The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism,
+call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great
+opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.
+		-- Al Capone
+%
+The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the
+pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond.
+%
+The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured
+in billigrahams.
+%
+The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns
+just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves.
+		-- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer
+%
+The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists
+of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown
+Races".  Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and,
+even better, nobody has to play it.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter:
+	I don't mind... and you don't matter.
+
+		-- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana
+%
+The Angels want to wear my red shoes.
+		-- E. Costello
+%
+The anger of a woman is the greatest evil
+with which you can threaten your enemies.
+		-- Bonnard
+%
+The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from
+sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.
+		--Salvador De Madariaga
+%
+The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.
+		-- Albertano of Brescia
+%
+The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither
+doctors nor lawyers.
+		-- L. Docquier
+%
+The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in
+session.  Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing,
+advertising and industry.  For best consistent contribution in the field of
+publishing our award goes to editor, R.L.K., [...] for his unrivalled alle-
+giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it,
+we'd ALL love to do it.  But we're not going to do it.  It's not the kind of
+book our house knows how to handle."  Our superior performance award in the
+field of advertising goes to media executive, E.L.M., [...] for the continu-
+ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be
+very exciting.  Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out-
+lined and see if you can come up with something fresh."  Our final award for
+courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R.S.,
+[...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been
+arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right
+time--"  I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially
+for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as
+then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts --
+	Treat freshness as a youthful quirk,
+		And dare not stray to ideas new,
+	For if t'were tried they might e'en work
+		And for a living what woulds't we do?
+%
+The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is...
+
+	Four day work week,
+	Two ply toilet paper!
+%
+The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was
+released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers,
+Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons.
+%
+The ark lands after The Flood.  Noah lets all the animals out.  Says he, "Go
+and multiply."  Several months pass.  Noah decides to check up on the animals.
+All are doing fine except a pair of snakes.  "What's the problem?" says Noah.
+"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.  Noah follows
+their advice.  Several more weeks pass.  Noah checks on the snakes again.
+Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy.  Noah asks, "Want to tell me how
+the trees helped?"  "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need
+logs to multiply."
+%
+The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will
+never be plumbed and why it will go on forever.  All weapons are defensive
+and all spare parts are non-lethal.  The plainest print cannot be read
+through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle.
+		-- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer
+%
+The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
+Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
+and color, but also on ability.
+		-- T. Lehrer
+%
+The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
+		-- Bill Murray
+%
+The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use in
+effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
+Declaration not for that, but for future use.
+		--  Abraham Lincoln
+%
+The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that
+Jupiter can have no satellites:
+
+	There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two
+eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two
+unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent.
+From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven
+metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number
+of planets is necessarily seven. [...]
+	Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and
+therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless
+and therefore do not exist.
+%
+The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
+%
+The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she
+knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.
+		-- Ladies' Home Journal
+%
+The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in
+the morning feeling just terrible.
+		-- Jean Kerr
+%
+The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM.
+%
+The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling
+a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.
+%
+The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.
+%
+The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from
+one graveyard to another.
+		-- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England"
+%
+The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain
+disdain; he is anything but her ideal.  In consequence, she cannot help
+feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is
+their father.
+		-- Mencken
+%
+The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned
+into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.
+		-- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work"
+%
+The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that
+carries any reward.
+		-- John Maynard Keynes
+%
+The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn,
+Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn,
+And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone,
+	It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS!
+		-- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days"
+%
+The bank sent our statement this morning,
+The red ink was a sight of great awe!
+Their figures and mine might have balanced,
+But my wife was too quick on the draw.
+%
+The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities.
+Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to
+park in.  Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also
+dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big
+difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES.  You're allowed to
+do anything.  You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want.
+I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup
+truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie"
+on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the
+accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular,
+whereas I was neither.  This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall
+parking lots.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
+And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
+The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
+And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
+These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
+		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard II"
+%
+THE BEATLES:
+	Paul McCartney's old back-up band.
+%
+The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
+%
+The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer.
+		-- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike
+
+	[If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I
+	 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only
+	 Memory".  Ed.]
+%
+The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
+		-- Maurice Baring
+%
+The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
+but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
+%
+The best case:	   Get salary from America, build a house in England,
+			live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
+Pretty good case:  Get salary from England, build a house in America,
+			live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
+The worst case:    Get salary from China, build a house in Japan,
+			live with a British wife, and eat American food.
+
+		--Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine
+%
+The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
+		-- W.C. Fields
+%
+The best defense against logic is ignorance.
+%
+The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion --
+but doesn't.
+		-- Tom Crichton
+%
+The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.
+		-- Scotty
+%
+The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
+However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours
+by judging things by their price.
+%
+The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do
+what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with
+them while they do it.
+		-- Theodore Roosevelt
+%
+The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.
+%
+The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
+		-- Blair
+%
+The best man for the job is often a woman.
+%
+The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good
+head waiter.
+		-- Nubar Gulbenkian
+%
+The best portion of a good man's life, his little,
+nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
+		-- Wordsworth
+%
+The best prophet of the future is the past.
+%
+The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the
+redoubtable John W. Campbell:
+
+	The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the
+	people who were ever born in the history of the world are now
+	dead.  There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is
+	being read by a corpse.
+%
+The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
+fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
+drifting side by side to our common doom.
+		-- Clarence Darrow
+%
+The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected
+company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie.
+%
+The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
+%
+The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.
+%
+The best things in life are for a fee.
+%
+The best things in life go on sale sooner or later.
+%
+The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared.
+%
+The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."
+%
+The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
+%
+The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
+%
+The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to
+smoke is a right worth dying for.
+%
+The best ways are the most straightforward ways.  When you're sitting around
+scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but
+when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward
+way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention.
+Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't
+work either.... They tried it during Prohibition.
+		-- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler
+%
+The best you get is an even break.
+		-- Franklin Adams
+%
+The better part of valor is discretion.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
+%
+The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity.
+To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.
+		-- Nietzsche
+%
+The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments
+to heterosexuals.  That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
+It's just that they need more supervision.
+%
+The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion.  I could
+never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
+		-- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+The Bible on letters of reference:
+
+	Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials?  Do
+we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?
+No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any
+man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.
+		-- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation
+%
+The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.
+		-- Nora Ephron
+%
+The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen
+and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like
+women.  Actually, you're just horny.  It doesn't mean you like women any
+more at twenty-one than you did at ten.
+		-- Jules Feiffer
+%
+The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted
+themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females.  Why do they tolerate
+this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are
+hungry all the time?
+%
+The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
+%
+The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
+		-- Merrick Furst
+%
+The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are
+working for someone else.
+%
+The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has
+occurred.
+%
+The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ...
+and the bird is on the wing.
+		-- Omar Khayyam
+%
+The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals
+because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage
+and tourist handouts.  This bear has learned to open car doors in
+Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens
+of thousands of dollars a year.  Campaigns to bearproof all garbage
+containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist
+put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels
+of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
+%
+The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.
+%
+The bomb will never go off.  I speak as an expert in explosives.
+	-- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project
+%
+The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
+half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
+pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
+hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
+for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
+during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
+but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
+		-- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
+%
+The boy stood on the burning deck,
+Eating peanuts by the peck.
+His father called him, but he could not go,
+For he loved those peanuts so.
+%
+The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment
+you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
+%
+The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
+	To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
+	program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
+	one, and convert to the next higher units.
+%
+The British are coming!  The British are coming!
+%
+The broad mass of a nation... will more easily
+fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.
+		-- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
+%
+The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
+and humiliating reality.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a
+digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top
+of a mountain or in the petals of a flower.  To think otherwise is to demean
+the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself.
+		-- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
+%
+The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only
+the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time.
+		-- Kay Bostic
+%
+The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
+Univ.  by Professor Scott Rice.  It is held in memory of Edward George
+Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
+time) novelist.  He is best known today for having written "The Last
+Days of Pompeii."
+
+Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
+beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
+Bulwer-Lytton.  This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
+written in 1830.  The full line reveals why it is so bad:
+
+	It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
+	at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
+	wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
+	lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
+	flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
+%
+The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better
+people, and don't come in clearly enough.
+		-- Bill Maher
+%
+The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
+sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
+time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
+into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
+with Basil.
+		-- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
+%
+The carbonyl is polarized,
+The delta end is plus.
+The nucleophile will thus attack,
+The carbon nucleus.
+Addition makes an alcohol,
+Of types there are but three.
+It makes a bond, to correspond,
+From C to shining C.
+		-- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful"
+%
+The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.
+		-- Herbert von Fritzlar
+%
+The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-distruction.
+%
+The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and
+sometimes three.
+		-- Alexandre Dumas
+%
+The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
+at the steam fitters picnic.
+%
+The chief cause of problems is solutions.
+		-- Eric Sevareid
+%
+The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense
+		-- Picasso
+%
+The church is near but the road is icy,
+the bar is far away but I will walk carefully.
+		-- Russian Proverb
+%
+The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture.
+		-- Elbert Hubbard
+%
+The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,
+specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of
+rise per foot of run.  A compromise, I imagine...
+%
+The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.
+%
+The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.
+		-- John Muir
+%
+The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity;
+the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a
+military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and
+private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion;
+and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes
+who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity.
+		-- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire"
+%
+The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
+%
+The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when they fill out a
+job application.
+%
+The closest to perfection a person ever comes
+is when he fills out a job application form.
+		-- Stanley J. Randall
+%
+The clothes have no emperor.
+		-- C.A.R. Hoare, commenting on ADA.
+%
+The coast was clear.
+		-- Lope de Vega
+%
+The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his
+intellectual nakedness.
+		-- Robert M. Hutchins
+%
+The Commandments of the EE:
+
+1:	Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser
+	lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
+	embarrassing manner.
+2:	Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to
+	be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this
+	earthly vale of tears.
+3:	Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon
+	which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift
+	thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like
+	a radiator too.
+4:	Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional
+	shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely
+	unbelievers.
+%
+The Commandments of the EE:
+
+5:	Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the
+	measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate
+	both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company
+	property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has
+	one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent.
+6:	Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices,
+	for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring
+	the fury of the engineers on his head.
+7:	Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy
+	friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling
+	her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee.
+8:	Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone,
+	for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in
+	thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker
+	sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold.
+%
+The Commandments of the EE:
+
+9:	Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
+	commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be
+	frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages.
+10:	Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are
+	written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code,
+	and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when
+	thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician.
+11:	When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or
+	unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket.  Better
+	that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than
+	experimentally determine the electrical potential of an
+	innocent-seeming device.
+%
+The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag.
+%
+The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of
+entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and
+50's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into
+the 80's.
+		-- Marty Winston
+%
+The computer is to the information industry roughly what the
+central power station is to the electrical industry.
+		-- Peter Drucker
+%
+The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
+		-- Alan Perlis
+%
+The concept seems to be clear by now.  It has been
+defined several times by examples of what it is not.
+%
+The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems
+and solutions we can imagine is very close.  For this reason restricting
+language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best
+dangerous.
+		-- Bjarne Stroustrup
+%
+The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better
+than what we've got!
+%
+The control of the production of wealth
+is the control of human life itself.
+		-- Hilaire Belloc
+%
+The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
+none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
+Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
+Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get
+you talked about.
+		-- Lazarus Long
+%
+The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
+%
+The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart.
+		-- W.C. Fields
+%
+The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
+%
+The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
+%
+The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
+female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
+rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
+would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
+career.
+		-- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
+%
+The course of true anything never does run smooth.
+		-- Samuel Butler
+%
+The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
+judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
+Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
+cermoniously handed it to the defendant.
+	"Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist.  "You have just become a
+father!"
+%
+The covers of this book are too far apart.
+		-- Book review by Ambrose Bierce.
+%
+The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.
+		-- John McNulty
+%
+The Crown is full of it!
+		-- Nate Harris, 1775
+%
+The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore
+be hushed.  A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be
+propagated.  If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war
+and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ...  In war, then, as in peace,
+assert the freedom of speech and of the press.  Cling to this as the bulwark
+of all our rights and privileges.
+		-- William Ellery Channing
+
+%
+The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the
+words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*.
+		-- Susan Dooley
+%
+The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull.
+		-- Andy Purshottam
+%
+The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch
+a satellite.  Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth!
+%
+The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.
+Every class is unfit to govern.
+		-- Lord Acton
+%
+The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of
+plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely....
+Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not
+be permitted...  In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides
+agree to ban the popular but dangerous 'Simon Says' training drill at
+nuclear launch sites...  Under no circumstances will either side reveal
+that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine
+years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem.
+		-- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
+%
+The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, 
+and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.  
+		-- H.D. Thoreau
+%
+The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being
+as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of
+the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter.  But we may hope that the
+dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with
+this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine
+doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors.
+		-- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+The days are all empty and the nights are unreal.
+%
+The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction
+to a tedious book.
+%
+The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us
+who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie
+Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
+%
+The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
+%
+The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.
+%
+The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the
+Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing".
+%
+The degree of civilization in a society
+can be judged by entering its prisons.
+		-- F. Dostoyevski
+%
+The degree of technical confidence is inversely
+proportional to the level of management.
+%
+The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older
+people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.
+		-- Logan Pearsall Smith
+%
+The departing division general manager met a last time with his young
+successor and gave him three envelopes.  "My predecessor did this for me,
+and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said.  "At the first sign
+of trouble, open the first envelope.  Any further difficulties, open the
+second envelope.  Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope.
+Good luck."  The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes
+into a drawer.
+	Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the
+young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
+	The next day, he held a press conference and did just that.  The
+crisis passed.
+	Six months later, sales dropped precipitously.  The beleagured
+manager opened the second envelope.  It said, "Reorganize."
+	He held another press conference, announcing that the division
+would be restructured.  The crisis passed.
+	A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was
+blamed for all of it.  The harried executive closed his office door, sank
+into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
+	"Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
+%
+The descent to Hades is the same from every place.
+		-- Anaxagoras
+%
+The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
+%
+The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
+%
+The devil finds work for idle glands.
+%
+The die is cast.
+		-- Gaius Julius Caesar
+%
+The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.
+%
+The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
+%
+The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is
+exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+The difference between a misfortune and a calamity?  If Gladstone fell into
+the Thames, it would be a misfortune.  But if someone dragged him out again,
+it would be a calamity.
+		-- Benjamin Disraeli
+%
+The difference between America and England is, the English think 100
+miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.
+%
+The difference between art and science is that science is what we
+understand well enough to explain to a computer.  Art is everything else.
+		-- Donald Knuth, "Discover"
+%
+The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is
+thinking everyone is out to get you.  That's normal -- they are.  Paranoia
+is thinking that they're conspiring.
+		-- J. Kegler
+%
+The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
+called.  Cats take a message and get back to you.
+%
+The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
+%
+The difference between legal separation and divorce is
+that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money.
+%
+The difference between reality and unreality
+is that reality has so little to recommend it.
+		-- Allan Sherman
+%
+The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
+requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
+		-- Robert Heinlein
+%
+The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following:
+Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a
+rabbit on the road.  Being sentimental is when the same driver, when
+swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian.
+		-- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague"
+%
+The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see.  When
+you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment.  If you
+swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is
+sentimentality.
+		-- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
+%
+The difference between the right word and the almost right word
+is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+The difference between this place and yogurt
+is that yogurt has a live culture.
+%
+The difference between us is not very far,
+cruising for burgers in daddy's new car.
+%
+The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume.
+		-- T.K.
+%
+The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
+%
+The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in
+the grim hours between midnight and dawn.  Hangmen and politicians
+work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.
+		-- Russell Baker
+%
+The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.
+%
+The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
+%
+The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known;
+naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+The distinction between true and false appears to become
+increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language.
+		-- Arne Tiselius
+%
+The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity.  Nowhere in
+the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines,
+and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
+		-- John Adams
+%
+The door is the key.
+%
+The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water.  Eager to show off 
+this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next
+hunting trip.  Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell,
+the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned
+it to his master.
+	"Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
+	"Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim."
+%
+The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance
+of the woman.
+		-- Honore DeBalzac
+%
+The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
+%
+The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.
+%
+The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
+and owns the worm farm.
+		-- Travis McGee
+%
+The early worm gets the bird.
+%
+The early worm gets the late bird.
+%
+The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
+%
+"The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly
+teaches me to suspect that my own is also."
+
+"I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it
+or to weaken it.  I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his
+hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be.
+But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a
+valuable posession to him."
+
+"I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good
+end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order
+to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall
+have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection mught be reasonable
+enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him
+roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews
+would tire of the spectacle eventually."
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it
+*pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.
+		-- Mel Brooks
+%
+The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune.
+%
+The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed
+to do the work of a man.  The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics
+Corporation defines a robot as 'Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With'.
+The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the
+Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the
+first against the wall when the revolution comes', with a footnote to effect
+that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking
+over the post of robotics correspondent.
+	Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that
+had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in
+the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics
+Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the
+wall when the revolution came'.
+%
+The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
+		-- Buckminster Fuller
+%
+The end of labor is to gain leisure.
+%
+The end of the world will occur at three p.m., this Friday,
+with symposium to follow.
+%
+The ends justify the means.
+		-- after Matthew Prior
+%
+The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind
+of thing.  Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation
+of these atoms is talking moonshine.
+		-- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for
+		the first time
+%
+The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable
+in full pursuit of the uneatable.
+		-- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance"
+%
+The English have no respect for their language,
+and will not teach their children to speak it.
+		-- G.B. Shaw
+%
+The English instinctively admire any man
+who has no talent and is modest about it.
+		-- James Agate, British film and drama critic
+%
+The entire work force of the Communist countries is sunjected to periodic
+purges (called verifications in Newspeak).  One of the most severe took
+place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year
+before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from
+all but insignificant positions.  Any one of the following would often
+result in the loss of one's job:  Bourgeois or Jewish family background,
+relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a
+Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others.
+
+	A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee."
+	"What kind of family do you come from?"
+	"A rich, Jewish family."
+	"And your wife?"
+	"A German aristocrat."
+	"Have you ever been to the West?"
+	"I spent most of my life in England."
+	"How did you make a living there?"
+	"A friend supported me."
+	"Where did you get the money from?"
+	"He owned a textile factory."
+	"Who was Lenin?"
+	"Never heard of him."
+	"What is your name?"
+	"Karl Marx."
+%
+[The ERA] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children,
+practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
+	-- Pat Robertson, Man of God and serious Republican
+	   presidential aspirant.
+%
+The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute
+for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is
+a substitute for intelligence.
+		-- Lyman Bryson
+%
+The eternal feminine draws us upward.
+		-- Goethe
+%
+The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.
+		-- Anne Boleyn
+%
+The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions
+is the most likely to be correct.
+		-- William of Occam
+%
+The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing,
+the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its
+own capacity. ...  Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god
+of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god
+of the center.  Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together
+what they could do to repay his kindness.  They had noticed that, whereas
+everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and
+so on, Chaos had none.  So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes
+in him.  Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died.
+		-- Chuang Tzu
+%
+The eyes of taxes are upon you.
+%
+The eyes of Texas are upon you,
+All the livelong day;
+The eyes of Texas are upon you,
+You cannot get away;
+Do not think you can escape them
+From night 'til early in the morn;
+The eyes of Texas are upon you
+'Til Gabriel blows his horn.
+		-- University of Texas' school song
+%
+The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not
+utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind,
+a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.
+		-- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929
+%
+The fact that hitler was a politcal genius unmasks the nature of politics
+in general as no other can.
+	-- Wilhelm Reich
+%
+The fact that it works is immaterial.
+		-- L. Ogborn
+%
+The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily
+endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or
+compassion.
+		-- Saul Alinsky
+%
+The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
+%
+The farther you go, the less you know.
+		-- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching"
+%
+The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
+%
+The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept
+outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms.  That is to
+say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth,
+so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists
+so long as they are Tories.
+		-- Christopher Booker
+%
+The faster I go, the behinder I get.
+		-- Lewis Carroll
+%
+The Fastest Defeat In Chess
+	The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess
+master.  
+	In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a
+Monsieur Lazard.  Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so
+chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort
+of their own homes.
+	Lazard was black and Gibaud white:
+	1: P-Q4, Kt-KB3
+	2: Kt-Q2, P-K4
+	3: PxP, Kt-Kt5
+	4: P-K6, Kt-K6/
+	White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve
+either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen.
+		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a
+business trip, thought he would pay his boy a suprise visit.  Arriving at the
+lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door.  After several minutes
+of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,
+	"Whaddaya want?"
+	"Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father.
+	"Yeah," replied the voice.  "Dump him on the front porch."
+%
+The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer
+and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown
+suit in the city.  Colleges may be to blame.  English majors are encouraged,
+I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not
+dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the
+quad.  And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors,
+and they are squeamish about technology to this very day.  So it is natural
+for them to despise science fiction.
+		-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction"
+%
+The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he
+wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke.
+	"Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to
+you?  They used to be with the Chicago Bears.  The two dudes behind you made
+the U.S. Olympic wrestling team.  And for you information, I used to play
+center at Notre Dame."
+	"Forget it," the customer said.  "I don't want to explain it five
+times."
+%
+"The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his
+supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist,
+anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their
+husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism
+and become lesbians."
+%
+The Fifth Rule:
+	You have taken yourself too seriously.
+%
+The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.
+		-- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante"
+%
+The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
+%
+The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time,
+the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
+%
+The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is
+the Bible.
+		-- John Quincy Adams
+
+All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book;
+but for the Book we could not know right from wrong.  All the things desirable
+to man are contained in it.
+		-- Abraham Lincoln
+
+... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of
+life, the nature of God and spirtual nature and need of men.  It is the only
+guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation.
+		-- Woodrow Wilson
+%
+The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
+		-- Abbie Hoffman
+%
+The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
+Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a tragic
+death.  He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad forks.
+Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously fled the city,
+complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of threatening notes left on his
+breakfast tray.  At the time, this looked suspicious what with his father's
+death, and Carotene was suspected of foul play.  Then the rest of the King's
+relatives began to drop dead one after the other in an odd fashion.  Some
+were found strangled with dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning.  A
+few were found drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants
+unknown and beaten to death with a pot roast.  At least three appear to have
+thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture of
+grief over the King's untimely end.  Finally there was no one left in Minas
+Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed crown, and
+the rule of Twodor was up for grabs.  The scullery slave Parrafin bravely
+accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when a lineal descendant
+of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful throne, conquer Twodor's
+enemies, and revamp the postal system.
+		-- Bored of the Rings, "Harvard Lampoon"
+%
+The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head.  Understand?
+		-- Joey Glimco, trade unionist
+%
+The first guy that rats gets a belly-full of slugs in the head.
+Understand?
+		-- Joey Glimco
+%
+The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half
+by our children.
+		-- Clarence Darrow
+%
+The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents,
+and the second half by our children.
+		-- Clarence Darrow
+%
+The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,
+and the second the triumph of hope over experience.
+%
+The first myth of management is that it exists.
+%
+The first requisite for immortality is death.
+		-- Stanislaw Lem
+%
+The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child,
+was propounded to me by my father:
+
+	"What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?"
+I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity gave up.
+	"A herring," said my father.
+	"A herring," I echoed.  "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
+	"So hang it there."
+	"But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
+	"Paint it."
+	"But a herring isn't wet."
+	"If it's just painted it's still wet."
+	"But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage,
+		"a herring doesn't whistle!!"
+	"Right, " smiled my father.  "I just put that in to make it hard."
+		-- Leo Rosten
+%
+The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."
+		-- H.L. Mencken
+%
+The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
+		-- Ehrlich
+%
+The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
+		-- Paul Erlich
+%
+The First Rule of Program Optimization:
+	Don't do it.
+
+The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
+	Don't do it yet.
+		-- Michael Jackson
+%
+The first thing I do in the morning
+is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
+		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
+%
+The first version always gets thrown away.
+%
+The five rules of Socialism:
+
+	1. Don't think.
+	2. If you do think, don't speak.
+	3. If you think and speak, don't write.
+	4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign.
+	5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.
+
+		-- being told in Poland, 1987
+%
+...the flaw that makes perfection perfect.
+%
+The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
+		-- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
+%
+The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
+		-- Alan Coult
+%
+The following statement is not true.
+The previous statement is true.
+%
+The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws:
+
+	1. You can't push on a string.
+	2. Ain't no free lunches.
+	3. Them as has, gets.
+	4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
+%
+The Force is what holds everything together.
+It has its dark side, and it has its light side.
+It's sort of like cosmic duct tape.
+%
+The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money
+completely surrounded by people who want some.
+		-- Dwight MacDonald
+%
+The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe
+because it lives in a forest.  Likewise the friendship of persons
+rests on mutual help.
+		-- Laukikanyay.
+%
+The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions
+and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
+%
+The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused
+received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities.
+%
+The founding fathers tried to set up a system where a man got a fair
+trial, not a system to get let him get off on technicalities.
+%
+The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip
+objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air
+due to levitation.
+	Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur
+if the character does not have fire resistance.
+		-- README file from the NetHack game
+%
+[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.
+		-- Somerset Maugham
+%
+The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
+number of your kids by thirty-two teeth.
+%
+The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend
+of both parties tactfully interferes.
+		-- G.K. Chesterton
+%
+The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people,
+but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.
+		-- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist
+%
+The future is a myth created by insurance
+salesmen and high school counselors.
+%
+The future is a race between education and catastrophe.
+		-- H.G. Wells
+%
+The future isn't what it used to be.  (It never was.)
+%
+The future lies ahead.
+%
+The future not being born, my friend,
+we will abstain from baptizing it.
+		-- George Meredith
+%
+The garden is in mourning;
+The rain falls cool among the flowers.
+Summer shivers quietly
+On its way towards its end.
+
+Golden leaf after leaf
+Falls from the tall acacia.
+Summer smiles, astonished, feeble,
+In this dying dream of a garden.
+
+For a long while, yet, in the roses,
+She will linger on, yearning for peace,
+And slowly
+Close her weary eyes.
+		-- Hermann Hesse, "September"
+%
+The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
+%
+The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the
+people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people
+drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
+		-- Gore Vidal
+%
+The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
+%
+The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
+%
+The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even
+remember her first husband.
+%
+The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.
+%
+The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear.
+		-- Sophia Loren
+%
+The glances over cocktails
+That seemed to be so sweet
+Don't seem quite so amorous
+Over Shredded Wheat
+%
+The goal of Computer Science is to build something
+that will at least last until we've finished building it.
+%
+The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
+The goal of nature is to build better mice.
+%
+The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.
+They gave him love and he invented marriage.
+%
+The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it
+is your move.
+		-- Frank Crane
+%
+The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:
+	He who has the gold makes the rules.
+%
+The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
+to be good.
+		-- John Barrymore
+%
+The good (I am convinced, for one)
+Is but the bad one leaves undone.
+Once your reputation's done
+You can live a life of fun.
+		-- Wilhelm Busch
+%
+The good life was so elusive
+It really got me down
+I had to regain some confidence
+So I got into camaflouge
+%
+The good time is approaching,
+The season is at hand.
+When the merry click of the two-base lick
+Will be heard throughout the land.
+The frost still lingers on the earth, and
+Budless are the trees.
+But the merry ring of the voice of spring
+Is borne upon the breeze.
+		-- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886
+%
+The Gordian Maxim:
+If a string has one end, it has another.
+%
+The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out
+to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work
+and they can't fire it.
+%
+The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
+Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
+and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.
+%
+The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
+Christian Religion
+		-- George Washington
+%
+The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma,
+with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the
+fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition.  The Cabinet sent
+for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice.  He instantly replied,
+"Send Lord Combermere."
+	"But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord
+Combermere a fool."
+	"So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon."
+		-- G.W.E. Russell
+%
+The goys have proven the following theorem...
+		-- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom
+		lecture.
+%
+The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
+%
+The grave's a fine and private place,
+but none, I think, do there embrace.
+		-- Andrew Marvell
+%
+The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
+		-- Charles de Gaulle
+%
+The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
+	The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship,
+	his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks.
+	Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of
+	time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
+	Hedgehog Eater.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.
+		-- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life"
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+*A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee*
+With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story.
+		-- Tea with a Kick (1924)
+
+Whoopie!  Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks!
+GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE!
+		-- The Wild Party (1929)
+
+YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE!
+DIX -- the dashing soldier!
+	DIX -- the bold adventurer!
+		DIX -- the throbbing lover!
+		-- The Wheel of Life (1929)
+
+SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE
+SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"!
+		-- The Night is Young (1934)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an
+unimaginable hell.
+		-- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967)
+
+NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL!
+		-- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968)
+
+LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENTUOUS ORGY OF
+SLAUGHTER!
+		-- Five Bloody Graves (1969)
+
+The family that slays together stays together.
+		-- Bloody Mama (1970)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS!
+		-- Squirm (1976)
+
+Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours.
+This Is One of Everlasting Torment!
+		-- The New House on the Left (1977)
+
+WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!
+		-- Zombie (1980)
+
+It's not human and it's got an axe.
+		-- The Prey (1981)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding!
+SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM!
+... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV!
+		-- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972)
+
+An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality!
+		-- Flesh and Blood Show (1973)
+
+WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY...
+RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
+Alone, only a harmless pet...
+	One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine!
+		-- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972)
+
+They're Over-Exposed
+But Not Under-Developed!
+		-- Cover Girl Models (1976)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE!
+		-- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959)
+
+Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST?
+Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep.
+		-- Untamed Mistress (1960)
+
+NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE
+FIRST TIME...  HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI!
+		-- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS!
+		-- The Cycle Savages (1969)
+
+The Hand that Rocks the Cradle...   Has no Flesh on It!
+
+		-- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971)
+
+TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS!
+		-- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill)
+
+They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger!
+		-- The Corpse Grinders (1971)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl
+of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"?  Maybe so -- but let her hear
+you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady!
+		-- Spitfire (1934)
+
+Do Native Women Live With Apes?
+		-- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937)
+
+JUNGLE KISS!!
+	When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she
+was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes --
+she was no longer the frozen-harted high priestess under whose hypnotic
+spell the worshippers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she
+was a girl in love!
+	SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES!
+		-- Her Jungle Love (1938)
+
+LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE!
+		-- Intermezzo (1939)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED!
+		-- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963)
+
+She Sins in Mobile --
+Marries in Houston --
+Loses Her Baby in Dallas --
+Leaves Her Husband in Tuscon --
+MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!...
+FIRST -- HARLOW!
+THEN -- MONROE!
+NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
+		-- The Rotton Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan
+
+*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN! 
+A Horrifying Movie of Wierd Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
+1001 WIERDEST SCENES EVER!!  MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
+		-- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964)  (Alternate Title:
+		   The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
+		   Became Mixed Up Zombies)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!
+-- DANCING CALLED GO-GO
+-- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU
+-- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI!
+-- FIRES OF PUBERTY!
+	SEE the burning of a virgin!
+	SEE power of witch doctor over women!
+	SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!
+		-- Kwaheri (1965)
+
+The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex!
+		-- Boeing-Boeing (1965)
+
+AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP-
+A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN!
+	The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to
+give you the wim-wams!
+		-- Monster a Go-Go (1965)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks!
+SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures!
+SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner!
+		-- Sweet and Savage (1983)
+
+What a Guy!  What a Gal!  What a Pair!
+		-- Stroker Ace (1983)
+
+It's always better when you come again!
+		-- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
+
+You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre!
+		-- Pieces (1983)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog
+on a roaring rampage of revenge!
+		-- Bury Me an Angel (1972)
+
+WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB
+SAUSAGES?
+		-- Meat is Meat (1972)
+
+TODAY the Pond!
+TOMORROW the World!
+		-- Frogs (1972)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West!
+		-- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949)
+
+CAST OF 3,000!
+4 WRITERS,
+2 DIRECTORS,
+3 CAMERAMEN,
+3 PRODUCERS!
+1 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM --
+24 YEARS TO REHEARSE --
+20 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE!
+	BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS!
+	AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL!
+THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM!
+Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to:
+	HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE!
+		-- The Prince of Peace (1948).  Starring members of the
+		   Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus.
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+The Miracle of the Age!!!  A LION in your lap!  A LOVER in your arms!
+		-- Bwana Devil (1952)
+
+OVERWHELMING!  ELECTRIFYING!  BAFFLING!
+Fire Can't Burn Them!  Bullets Can't Kill Them!  See the Unfolding of
+the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the
+Earth!  You've Never Seen Anything Like It!  Neither Has the World!
+	SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!!
+		-- Robot Monster (1953)
+
+1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes,
+802 scared bulls!
+		-- The Egyptian (1954)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing
+horror on a screaming world!
+		-- The Crawling Eye (1958)
+
+SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, scyscraper limbs,
+giant desires!
+		-- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958)
+
+Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex.
+What Should a Movie Do?  Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich?
+Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does...
+		-- The Desperate Women (1958)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+They hungered for her treasure!  And died for her pleasure!
+SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer!
+		-- The Golden Mistress (1954)
+
+See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out!
+		-- The French Line (1954)
+
+See Jane Russell Shake Her Tamborines... and Drive Cornel WILDE!
+		-- Hot Blood (1956)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make
+Friends...
+		-- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966)
+
+Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels!
+		-- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966)
+
+A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS
+OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST.
+		-- A Taste of Blood (1967)
+%
+The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations
+like prostitutes.
+		-- Stanley Kubrick
+%
+The great question that has never been answered and which I have not
+yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the
+feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?
+		-- Sigmund Freud
+%
+The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight.
+At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have
+answered themselves.
+		-- Arthur Binstead
+%
+The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers
+is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood.
+%
+The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
+		-- Sophocles
+%
+The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them
+before him.  To ride their horses and take away their possessions.  To see
+the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp
+their wives and daughters to his arms.
+		-- Genghis Khan
+%
+The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
+		-- Polish proverb
+%
+The Greatest Mathematical Error 
+	The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28
+July 1962 towards Venus.  After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would
+give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells
+would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course
+corrections and after 100 days the craft would cirlce the unknown planet,
+scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.  
+	However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I
+plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff.
+	Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from
+the instructions fed into the computer.  "It was human error", a launch
+spokesman said.
+	This minus sign cost L4,280,000.
+		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
+%
+The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
+		-- Robert Heinlein
+%
+The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
+%
+The groundhog is like most other prophets;
+it delivers its message and then disappears.
+%
+The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce.
+		-- Galbraith
+%
+The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce.
+		-- J.K. Galbraith 
+%
+The hardest part of climbing the ladder of
+success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
+%
+The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
+		-- Albert Einstein
+%
+The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when
+you put a lot of relatives on the train for home.
+%
+The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty
+deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the
+author's name on the title page.
+		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
+%
+The hatred of relatives is the most violent.
+		-- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)
+%
+The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality
+of functions performed by private citizens.
+		-- Alexis de Tocqueville
+%
+The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
+whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
+%
+The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.
+		-- Blaise Pascal
+%
+The heart is wiser than the intellect.
+%
+...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.
+%
+The heaviest object in the world is the
+body of the woman you have ceased to love.
+		-- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues
+%
+The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
+	You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
+%
+"The hell with the prime directive!  Let's kill something!"
+%
+The help people need most urgently is
+help in admitting that they need help.
+%
+The herd instinct among economists
+makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
+%
+The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet,
+challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that
+keeps the blood at heat.  Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents
+itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb
+of innocence.  To yield to its blandishments is so easy.  The wrong, it seems,
+is venial...  Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of
+adventurous youth.
+		-- Benjamin Cardozo
+%
+The higher you climb, the more you show your ass.
+		-- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"
+%
+The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
+three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and
+Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases.  For
+instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we
+eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we
+have lunch?".
+		-- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
+%
+The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases
+are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy.  Thus:
+
+Retribution:
+	I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother.
+Anticipation:
+	I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother.
+Diplomacy:
+	I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the
+	pretext that your brother did it.
+%
+The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."
+		-- Johnny Carson
+%
+The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease
+to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns.
+		-- Helen Rowland
+%
+The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and
+she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
+		-- Bill Lawrence
+%
+The horror... the horror!
+%
+The human animal differs from the lesser
+primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".
+		-- H. Allen Smith
+%
+The human brain is a wonderful thing.  It starts working the moment
+you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
+		-- Sir George Jessel
+%
+The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of
+its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
+%
+The human mind treats a new idea the way the
+body treats a strange protein: it rejects it.
+		-- P. Medawar
+%
+The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember.
+Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave
+its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to
+us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the
+facet that it can bite your head off.  This causes us humans to feel a
+certain degree of awe.
+		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
+%
+The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+The human race never solves any of its problems.  It merely outlives them.
+		-- David Gerrold
+%
+The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons
+that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
+		-- Leo J. Burke
+%
+The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
+if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
+		-- D. Cohen
+%
+The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair".
+		-- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"
+%
+The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given
+tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than
+it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws).
+	-- Doug Gwyn
+%
+The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance,
+no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.
+		-- Harry V. Wade
+%
+The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they
+are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally
+understood.  Indeed, the world is ruled by little else.
+		-- John Maynard Keyes
+%
+The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.
+%
+The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
+		-- Quintus Ennius
+%
+The illegal we do immediately.  The unconstitutional takes a little longer.
+	-- Henry Kissinger
+%
+The Illiterati Programus Canto 1:
+	A program is a lot like a nose:
+	Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows.
+%
+The important thing is not to stop questioning.
+%
+The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.
+%
+The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than
+golf has.
+	-- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
+point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
+important thing to people.
+		-- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
+%
+The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is
+a delight to moralists.  That is why they invented hell.
+		-- Bertrand Russell
+%
+The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
+the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
+		-- Churchill
+%
+The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth.  And
+there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a
+pointer and a mark.
+		-- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars"
+%
+The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling
+the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without
+affecting the most important political institutions. ...  The new
+style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quitely insinuates itself into
+manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and
+constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by
+overturning everything.
+		-- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C.
+%
+The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of
+the group divided by the number of people in the group.
+%
+The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East.  They
+treat the Arabs like postmen.
+		-- Franklyn Ajaye
+%
+The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain,
+knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the
+Commandments.  Finally a tired Moses came into sight.
+	"I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said.  "The
+good news is that I got Him down to ten.  The bad news is that adultery's
+still in."
+%
+"The jig's up, Elman."
+"Which jig?"
+		-- Jeff Elman
+%
+The Junior God now heads the roll
+In the list of heaven's peers;
+He sits in the House of High Control,
+And he regulates the spheres.
+Yet does he wonder, do you suppose,
+If, even in gods divine,
+The best and wisest may not be those
+Who have wallowed awhile with the swine?
+		-- R.W. Service
+%
+The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable
+debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been
+revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor
+quality work.  But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the
+resurrection of competitiveness?  Will charging the atmosphere of the
+workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity?
+Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but
+to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not
+hiring of the abuser.  This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the
+nation's productivity problem.  If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate
+goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the
+drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization.
+		-- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The
+		   Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace,"
+		   Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol.
+		   10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768.
+%
+The Kennedy Constant:
+	Don't get mad -- get even.
+%
+The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets.
+		-- L. Zadeh
+%
+The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut.  To reveal
+an artist to the people can be to destroy him.  It isn't to anyone's
+advantage to see the truth.
+		-- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer
+%
+The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
+%
+The kind of danger people most enjoy is
+the kind they can watch from a safe place.
+%
+The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field:
+
+King:		"How goes the battle plan?"
+Advisor:	"See those little black specks running to the right?"
+K:	"Yes."
+A:	"Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running
+	to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till
+	the dust clears."
+K:	"And?"
+A:	"If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
+K:	"But what about the 
+^#!!$% battle plan?"
+A:	"So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
+%
+The knowledge that makes us cherish
+innocence makes innocence unattainable.
+		-- Irving Howe
+%
+The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill.  It is
+the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free
+world by man, woman and child alike.  An astounding 350 billion kosher
+dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person
+per day.  New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill
+really changed my life.  I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and
+drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle.
+I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined.
+And now, just look at me."
+%
+The ladies men admire, I've heard,
+Would shudder at a wicked word.
+Their candle gives a single light;
+They'd rather stay at home at night.
+They do not keep awake till three,
+Nor read erotic poetry.
+They never sanction the impure,
+Nor recognize an overture.
+They shrink from powders and from paints...
+So far, I've had no complaints.
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+The language of politics is poetry, not prose.  Jackson is poetry.
+Cuomo is poetry.  Dukakis is a word processor.
+		-- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988
+%
+The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
+everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.
+%
+The last person that quit or was fired will be the held responsible
+for everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is
+fired.
+%
+The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.
+%
+The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
+		-- Blaise Pascal
+%
+The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own
+hand.
+		-- Fred Allen
+%
+The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word
+processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."
+		-- Roy Blount, Jr.
+%
+The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.
+		-- Governor Tarkin
+%
+The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
+to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
+		-- Anatole France
+%
+The Law of Probable Dispersal:
+	That which hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
+%
+The Law of the Letter:
+	The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
+%
+The Law of the Perversity of Nature:
+	You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
+%
+The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance.  He of all men
+should behave as though the law compelled him.  But it is the universal
+weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine
+we own.
+		-- H.G. Wells
+%
+The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
+	The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax.  A
+most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
+give a public reading of his latest poem.
+	Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
+Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
+Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
+	Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
+and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece.  "Be so good as to mark
+the place and consider at your leisure.  I'm sure you can give it a better
+turn."
+	After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
+Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side.  "There is no need to touch the
+lines," he said.  "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
+Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
+on those passages, and then read them to him as altered.  I have known him
+much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
+	Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem
+exactly as it was before.  His unique critical faculties had lost none of
+their edge.  "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right.  Nothing can
+be better."
+		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The Least Successful Animal Rescue
+	The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal
+rescue attempts of all time.  Valiantly, the British Army had taken over
+emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly
+lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a
+tree.  They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty.
+So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea.  Driving off
+later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.
+		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The Least Successful Collector
+	Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting.  She
+was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
+amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
+works of Shakespeare.
+	One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
+legibility.  Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms.  The
+remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
+	The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
+the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the
+French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
+		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The Least Successful Defrosting Device
+	The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster
+whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it.
+	"I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock.  Somehow my lips
+got stuck fast."
+	While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he
+was all right.  "Alra?  Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away.
+	"I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of...
+muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer.
+	He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until
+constant hot breathing brought freedom.  He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot
+Lips".
+		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement
+	In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish
+Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality
+legislation.  The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay
+enforcement officer.  The advertisement offered different salary scales for
+men and women.
+		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The Least Successful Executions
+	History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention.
+The first performed in Sydney in Australia.  In 1803 three attempts were
+made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels.  On the first two of these the rope
+snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he
+and everyone else got bored.  Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital
+punishment, he was reprieved.
+	The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who
+tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each
+occasion failed to get the trap door open.
+	In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted
+Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment.  He was released in 1917, emigrated
+to America and lived until 1933.
+		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The Least Successful Police Dogs
+	America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking
+schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida
+in 1978.  He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or
+offend the criminal classes.
+	His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up
+and bite them.  I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him."
+	The British contenders in this category, however, took things a
+stage further.  "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug
+raids.  Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in
+1967.
+	While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they
+patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the
+fire.  When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at
+him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh.
+		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
+		-- Kin Hubbard
+%
+The less time planning, the more time programming.
+%
+THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE
+
+	SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
+Language Environment.  This language, developed at the Hanover College
+for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write
+code with errors in it.  The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
+END and STOP.  No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a
+syntax error.  Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful, thus achieving
+the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious,
+frustrating process of testing and debugging.
+%
+THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP
+
+	This otherwise unremarkable language, originally developed in San
+Francisco, is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set;
+users must substitute "TH".  LITHP is thaid to be utheful in protheththing
+lithtth.
+%
+THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL
+
+	SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
+Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile,
+SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the beans.  Forty-
+three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals
+while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile.  Weary SLOBOL programmers
+often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
+%
+THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL
+
+	VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
+industry.  VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW.
+Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators.  Other
+operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY.  Loops are
+accomplished with the FOR SURE construct.  A simple example:
+
+	LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
+	IF PIZZA	=LIKE BITCHEN AND
+	GUY		=LIKE TUBULAR AND
+	VALLEY GIRL	=LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
+	THEN
+		FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
+			DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
+		SURE
+	LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE
+	GOTO THE MALL
+
+	VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages.  For
+example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
+message GAG ME WITH A SPOON!  A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY
+AWESOME!
+%
+THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO
+
+	Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
+DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets.  DOGO commands include
+SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER.  An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy
+graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as
+it travels across the screen.
+%
+THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
+
+	Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
+unstructured language.  Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are.
+Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions.  SARTRE
+programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties.
+%
+THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C-
+
+	This language was named for the grade received by its creator when
+he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class.  C- is
+best described as a "low-level" programming language.  In fact, the language
+generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute
+a given task.  In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.
+%
+THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH
+
+	FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
+refer to quantity.  The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to
+FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO.  Commands
+refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH,
+VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
+	The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
+financial status of its users.  Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and
+LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, THUNDERBIRD,
+RIPPLE and HOUSERED.  The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
+who end up using this language.
+%
+THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK
+
+	LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for
+T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more
+intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley.
+	The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
+while they worked.  Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long,
+since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier.
+	Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a
+gentle and nonthreatening language.  For example, LAIDBACK responded to
+syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I JUST CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT.
+%
+The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
+		-- Lenny Bruce
+%
+The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
+		-- Plato
+%
+The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
+%
+The lion and the calf shall lie down
+together but the calf won't get much sleep.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll.
+She loves it -- and that's all.  It is thus that we should love.
+		-- DeGourmont
+%
+The little pieces of my life I give to you,
+with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold.
+%
+The little town that time forgot,
+Where all the women are strong,
+The men are good-looking,
+And the children above-average.
+		-- Prairie Home Companion
+%
+The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his
+door with a basket of kittens.
+	"Hello, little girl, what do you have there?"
+	"These are my Democratic kittens," she replied.
+Amused, the pastor said nothing.  Two weeks later he saw the same little
+girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens.
+	"My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said.
+	"No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered.
+	"Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled.
+	"Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed."
+%
+The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues,
+for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be
+simply making a limiting statement about himself.
+		-- Sidney Harris
+%
+The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
+		-- Henry Kissinger
+%
+The longer the title, the less important the job.
+%
+The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
+		-- Marcus Terentius Varro
+%
+The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we
+could grab as much as we could with both of them.
+		-- Major Major's father
+%
+The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
+Indian Giver be the name of the Lord.
+%
+The Lord prefers common-looking people.  That is the reason that He makes
+so many of them.
+		-- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.
+		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
+the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
+her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
+Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
+steel through your last meal!'
+		-- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
+%
+The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
+%
+The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
+Are of imagination all compact...
+		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
+%
+The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best.
+%
+The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.
+		-- Benjamin Disraeli
+%
+The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs.
+		-- Kevin Cowherd
+%
+The major advances in civilization are processes
+that all but wreck the societies in which they occur.
+		-- A.N. Whitehead
+%
+The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the
+bonds will eventually mature.
+%
+The major sin is the sin of being born.
+		-- Samuel Beckett
+%
+The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play
+the violin.
+		-- Honore DeBalzac
+%
+The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time.
+The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of
+consistency.
+		-- Albert Einstein
+%
+The makers may make,
+And the users may use,
+But the fixers must fix
+With but minimal clues.
+%
+The man she had was kind and clean
+And well enough for every day,
+But oh, dear friends, you should have seen
+The one that got away.
+		-- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman"
+%
+The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner
+	The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is
+Hubert Cecil Booth.  However, he got the idea from a man who almost
+invented it.  
+	In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall.  On the bill was an
+American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets.
+	The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top.
+After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze
+-- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room.
+	"It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the
+point.  "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor.  "Your machine just moves
+the dust around the room," Booth informed him.  "Suck?  Suck?  Sucking is
+not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out.  Booth proved
+that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and
+sucking the back of an armchair.  "I almost choked," he said afterwards.
+		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.
+The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever
+been.
+		-- Alan Ashley-Pitt
+%
+The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
+		-- Menander
+%
+The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news.
+		-- Bertolt Brecht
+%
+The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
+		-- H.G. Wells, "Time After Time"
+%
+The man who runs may fight again.
+		-- Menander
+%
+The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount
+Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed.
+		-- Old Japanese proverb
+%
+The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
+will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+The man who understands one woman is
+qualified to understand pretty well everything.
+		-- Yeats
+%
+The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President.  All he has
+to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"
+		-- Will Rogers
+
+The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.
+		-- Vice President John Nance Garner
+%
+The Marines:
+	The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.
+%
+The Marines:
+	The few, the proud, the not very bright.
+%
+The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning
+wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city.
+		-- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
+%
+The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,
+while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.
+		-- Wilhelm Stekel
+%
+The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice
+and tragedy.  What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the
+master calls a butterfly.
+		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+%
+The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of
+husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism
+are one, and that one is marxism.
+		-- Heidi Hartmann,
+		"The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism"
+%
+The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!
+%
+The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
+soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car
+which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.
+%
+The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest.
+		-- Bulwer
+%
+The mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time.
+%
+The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers,
+always end up on their ends without any means.
+		-- Saul Alinsky
+%
+The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.
+Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
+%
+The meek don't want it.
+%
+The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3.
+%
+The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
+%
+The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that
+time there won't be anything left worth inheriting.
+%
+The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.
+		-- J.P. Getty
+%
+The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.
+%
+The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
+%
+The meek shall inherit the Earth.
+(But they're gonna have to fight for it.)
+%
+The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.
+%
+The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two
+chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
+		-- Carl Jung
+%
+[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be
+undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful
+for impotency.
+		-- W. Churchill
+%
+The men sat sipping their tea in silence.  After a while the klutz said,
+	"Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
+	"Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other.  "Why?"
+	"How should I know?  What am I, a philosopher?"
+%
+The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
+%
+The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another
+mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same
+being who produces the impressions.
+		-- Marquis D.A.F. de Sade
+%
+The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be
+general systems laws.  For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that
+any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby
+not to be a science.  He would cite as examples Military Science, Library
+Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer
+Science.  Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its
+predictive power.
+		-- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
+		   Thinking"
+%
+The Modelski Chain Rule:
+1:	Look intently at the problem for several minutes.  Scratch your
+	head at 20-30 second intervals.  Try solving the problem on your
+	Hewlett-Packard.
+2:	Failing this, look around at the class.  Select a particularly
+	bright-looking individual.
+3:	Procure a large chain.
+4:	Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely
+	with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem.
+	Generally, he will.  It may also be a good idea to give him a sound
+	thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
+%
+"The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of
+themselves," the old man said, no longer to me.  "But what will become 
+of the bicuspids?"
+		-- The Old Man and his Bridge
+%
+The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
+		-- Nicol Williamson
+%
+The moon is made of green cheese.
+		-- John Heywood
+%
+The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
+%
+The Moral Majority is neither.
+%
+The more complex the mind, the greater
+the need for the simplicity of play.
+		-- Captain Kirk, "Shore Leave"
+%
+The more control, the more that requires control.
+%
+The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater
+the odds that the competition already has the order.
+%
+The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
+%
+The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
+lower the mailing cost.
+		-- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
+%
+The more he talked of his honor the faster we counted our spoons.
+		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+The more I know men the more I like my horse.
+%
+The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.
+		-- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696
+%
+The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
+		-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
+%
+The more laws and order are made prominent,
+the more thieves and robbers there will be.
+		-- Lao Tsu
+%
+The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization.  (For
+instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law,
+contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...)
+%
+The more the merrier.
+		-- John Heywood
+%
+The more they over-think the plumbing
+the easier it is to stop up the drain.
+%
+The more things change, the more they remain the same.
+		-- Alphonse Karr
+%
+The more things change, the more they stay insane.
+%
+The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
+%
+The more we disagree, the more chance
+there is that at least one of us is right.
+%
+The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
+%
+The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
+%
+The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke.
+First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize,
+three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each.
+%
+The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.
+%
+The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.
+%
+The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to
+exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but
+rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and
+flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst
+have the good fortune to find one.
+		-- Carlyle
+%
+The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common
+family name in the world is Chang.  Can you imagine the enormous number
+of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?
+		-- Derek Wills
+%
+The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately
+in the palpably not true.  It is the chief occupation of mankind.
+		-- H.L. Mencken
+%
+The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
+		-- American proverb
+%
+The most dangerous organization in America today is:
+
+	a) The KKK
+	b) The American Nazi Party
+	c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club
+%
+The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in
+the country is the one on which you resell it.
+		-- J. Brecheux
+%
+The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS
+is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian.
+%
+The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a 
+thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.
+		-- T.H. White
+%
+The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
+%
+The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does
+not approach what your best friends say behind your back.
+		-- Alfred De Musset
+%
+The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
+discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
+		-- Isaac Asimov
+%
+The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a
+ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last
+it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal
+woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children,
+the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the
+bite of fire.  You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold
+in your hands.  The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman,
+starts a long, long time before the event.
+		-- W.B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham",
+		   from "Congress Eate It Up"
+%
+...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man:
+freshman English at a Midwestern university.
+		-- Tom Wolfe
+%
+The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union
+of a deaf man to a blind woman.
+		-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
+%
+The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
+%
+The most important early product on the way
+to developing a good product is an imperfect version.
+%
+The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
+people to approach printed matter with distrust. 
+%
+The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman
+is that one of them be good at taking orders.
+		-- Linda Festa
+%
+The most important things, each person must do for himself.
+%
+The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
+		-- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I"
+%
+The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national
+conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the
+participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national 
+organization.
+	The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national
+organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness."  The
+orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you
+know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had
+every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished.
+	But it was not to be.  Given that this was a conference of *New*
+New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it.
+	A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The
+Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the
+weekend came when the conference was almost at its end.  On Sunday morning,
+a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body
+with its overwhelming whiteness..."  Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the
+Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly
+white organization would itself constitute a racist act.  The four hundred or
+so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution
+or elect any officers.  While recognizing "the need to examine the real
+possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying
+lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their
+demands were not met.  As *The Nation* article describes the scene:  "To their
+astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed
+an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the
+radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of
+existence.  As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion
+and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and
+broke into regional groups to discuss 'outreach.'"
+		-- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988
+%
+The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
+served the family nothing but leftovers.  The original meal has never
+been found.
+		-- Calvin Trillin
+%
+The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the
+biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to
+them were fishermen.
+		-- Arthur Binstead
+%
+The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible
+	The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert
+Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London.  It contained
+several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from
+the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority,
+to commit adultery.
+	Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote
+country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined
+the printers L3,000.
+		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little
+children for their insurance money.
+		-- Sherlock Holmes
+%
+The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
+%
+The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
+	Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit
+Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
+	Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
+%
+The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the
+perfect partner, you're home free.  Unfortunately, falling out of love
+seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.
+%
+The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
+%
+The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe.
+		-- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy
+%
+The nearer to the church, the further from God.
+		-- John Heywood
+%
+The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded
+in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but
+occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that!
+	-- James 'Kibo' Parry
+%
+The net of law is spread so wide,
+No sinner from its sweep may hide.
+Its meshes are so fine and strong,
+They take in every child of wrong.
+O wondrous web of mystery!
+Big fish alone escape from thee!
+		-- James Jeffrey Roche
+%
+The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.
+I hope I don't get run over again.
+%
+The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
+doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
+%
+THE NEW RIGHT:
+	A javelin team that elects to receive.
+%
+The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
+in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
+
+	But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay:
+	for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
+
+		-- Matthew 5:37
+%
+The next person to mention spaghetti stacks
+to me is going to have his head knocked off.
+		-- Bill Conrad
+%
+The next thing I say to you will be true.
+The last thing I said was false.
+%
+The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
+		-- Lucille S. Harper
+%
+The nice thing about standards
+is that there are so many of them to choose from.
+		-- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
+%
+The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.
+%
+The night passes quickly when you're asleep
+But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat
+...
+Breakfast at the Egg House,
+Like the waffle on the griddle,
+I'm burnt around the edges,
+But I'm tender in the middle.
+		-- Adrian Belew
+%
+The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered
+rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
+bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
+'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
+		-- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
+%
+The notion of a "record" is an obsolete
+remnant of the days of the 80-column card.
+		-- D.M. Ritchie
+%
+The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely
+proportional to the number of bugs in their code.
+%
+The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success
+of the barbecue.
+%
+The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
+increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
+%
+The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.
+	-- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
+%
+The NY Times is read by the people who run the country.  The Washington Post
+is read by the people who think they run the country.   The National Enquirer
+is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country.
+		-- Robert Woodhead
+%
+The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze
+all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have
+answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems
+when called upon.
+	However...
+When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind
+yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
+%
+The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.
+%
+The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator".
+%
+The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
+
+	Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the
+	Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director
+	of Corporate Planning."
+%
+The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane:
+
+	Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless
+	you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you
+	is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the
+	unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome.
+%
+The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps:
+
+	Use a sunlamp only on weekends.  That way, if the office wise guy
+	remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate
+	some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La
+	like Caneel Bay.  Nothing is more transparent than leaving the
+	office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun
+	god at 8:15 the next morning.
+%
+The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds
+is of course a shameful canard.  The key age has traditionally been
+more like fourteen.
+		-- Robert Christgau, "Esquire"
+%
+The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the
+New Hampshire-Vermont border.  One day, the surveyors came to inform him that
+they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
+	"Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply.  "I don't think I could have
+taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
+%
+THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
+to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the
+floor.
+
+"Sorry," he said with a smile.
+		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
+%
+The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.  
+Let the reader catch his own breath.
+		-- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
+%
+The older I grow, the more I distrust the
+familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
+		-- H.L. Mencken
+%
+The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
+%
+The one good thing about repeating your
+mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
+%
+The one L lama, he's a priest
+The two L llama, he's a beast
+And I will bet my silk pyjama
+There isn't any three L lllama.
+		-- O. Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally
+		his department responded to something like a "three L lllama."
+%
+The One Page Principle:
+	A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper
+	cannot be understood.
+		-- Mark Ardis
+%
+The one sure way to make a lazy man look
+respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand.
+%
+The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.
+		-- Abbey Hoffman
+%
+The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
+		-- Pliny the Elder
+%
+The only constant is change.
+%
+The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a
+right turn on a red light.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is
+that the car salesman knows he's lying.
+%
+The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
+%
+The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that
+every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+The only difference in the game of love over the last few
+thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.
+		-- The Indianapolis Star
+%
+The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look
+respectable.
+		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
+%
+The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal.
+The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may
+experience it as such.  Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and
+thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid.  Whoever
+could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very
+swift.  Thinking of oneself gives little happiness.  If, however, one feels
+much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of
+oneself but of one's ideal.  This is far, and only the swift shall reach
+it and are delighted.
+		-- Nietzsche
+%
+The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is
+that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences;
+beyond this they have not legitimacy.
+		-- Einstein.
+%
+The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away
+is your husband.
+%
+The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
+mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
+the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
+like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
+		-- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
+%
+The only people who make love all the time are liars.
+		-- Louis Jordan
+%
+The only perfect science is hind-sight.
+%
+The only person to get all of his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
+%
+The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
+%
+The only possible interpretation of any research
+whatever in the "social sciences" is: some do, some don't.
+%
+The only possible interpretation of any research
+whatever in the 'social sciences' is: some do, some don't.
+		-- Ernest Rutherford
+%
+The only problem with being a man of leisure
+is that you can never stop and take a rest.
+%
+The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.
+		-- Phaedrus
+%
+The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to
+be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to
+be less cunning than more virtuous men.  Oh yes ... whenever you think
+you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.
+		-- Bill Veeck
+%
+The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a
+plausible manner and a little literary ability.  The capacity to steal
+other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable.
+		-- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On"
+%
+The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it.
+%
+The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method
+for getting acquainted.
+		-- Heywood Broun
+%
+The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon.
+		-- C. Schultz
+%
+The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise
+of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock.
+		-- Colette
+%
+The only reward of virtue is virtue.
+		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+The only rose without thorns is friendship.
+%
+The only thing better than love is milk.
+%
+The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.
+%
+The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches
+us nothing.
+		-- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)
+%
+The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that
+the first one was useless.
+		-- Nicolas Chamfort
+%
+The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.
+It is never any use to oneself.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn.
+		-- Earl Warren
+
+That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all
+the lessons that history has to teach.
+		-- Aldous Huxley
+
+We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
+		-- Georg Hegel
+
+HISTORY:  Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn
+nothing from history.  I know people who can't even learn from what happened
+this morning.  Hegel must have been taking the long view.
+		-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
+%
+The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
+		-- C. Schultz
+%
+The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge
+and guilt.
+		-- Elvis Costello
+%
+The only way to amuse some people
+is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
+%
+The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+The only way to keep you health is to eat what you don't want,
+drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
+		-- David Gerrold
+%
+The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt
+in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together.
+		-- Jean de la Bruyere
+%
+The opossum is a very sophisticated animal.  It doesn't even get up
+until 5 or 6 PM.
+%
+The opossum is a very sophisticated animal.
+It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 pm.
+%
+The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite
+of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
+		-- Niels Bohr
+%
+The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
+		-- Bohr
+%
+The opposite of talking isn't listening.  The opposite of talking is
+waiting.
+		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
+%
+The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds,
+and the pessimist knows it.
+		-- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists"
+
+Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking
+almost gently.  The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all
+possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
+		-- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion"
+%
+The optimum committee has no members.
+		-- Norman Augustine
+%
+The opulence of the front office door varies
+inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
+%
+The orders come down and they march us away.
+There's a battle outside and we join in the fray.
+God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day,
+But it's better than working for Xerox.
+		-- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask"
+%
+The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+The other line moves faster.
+%
+The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on 
+a buying trip.  As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
+with a beautiful young lady.  However, she only spoke French and he only spoke
+English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke.  He took out a
+pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach.  She smiled, nodded her
+head and they went for a ride in the park.  Later, he drew a picture of a 
+table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to
+dinner.  After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted.  They
+went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious 
+evening.  It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew
+a picture of a four-poster bed.  He was dumbfounded, and to this day has
+never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
+%
+The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".
+%
+The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes.  Fully clothed, I might add.
+		-- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court
+%
+The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what
+she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend.  Finally she asked,
+	"Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?"
+	"Gosh, no!" he replied.  "I hate hospitals."
+%
+The past always looks better than it was.
+It's only pleasant because it isn't here.
+		-- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
+%
+The people sensible enough to give
+good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
+%
+The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly --
+not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you
+waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are.
+In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the
+person you have always wanted to be.
+		-- Nancy Friday
+%
+The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
+		-- Charles Pierce
+%
+The perfect man is the true partner.  Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,
+but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that
+quality of joy.
+		-- Erica Jong
+%
+The person who can smile when something
+goes wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
+%
+The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
+%
+The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it.
+%
+The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.
+%
+The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
+%
+The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip
+market.  Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and
+is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose"
+		-- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982
+%
+The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that,
+when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers
+become soft.
+%
+The philosopher's treatment of a question
+is like the treatment of an illness.
+		-- Wittgenstein.
+%
+The Phone Booth Rule:
+	A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
+%
+The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
+Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
+Let others think his heart is big,
+I think it stupid of the Pig.
+%
+The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter.  The batter swang
+and missed.  The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter
+connected.  He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center
+fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were
+blound by the sun and he dropped it.
+		-- Dizzy Dean
+%
+The plural of spouse is spice.
+%
+The Poems, all three hundred of them,
+may be summed up in one of their phrases:
+"Let our thoughts be correct".
+		-- Confucius
+%
+The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life
+	The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George
+Wither.  Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his
+verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well".
+	In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his
+work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness.  It usually
+lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel".
+	High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically
+rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with
+the higher emotions.
+		She would me "Honey" call,
+		She'd -- O she'd kiss me too.
+		But now alas!  She's left me
+		Falero, lero, loo.
+	Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize
+was her prudent choice of footwear.
+		The fives did fit her shoe.
+	In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by
+the Royalists during the English Civil War.  When Sir John Denham, the
+Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and
+begged that his life be spared.  When asked his reason, Sir John replied,
+"Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the
+worst poet in England."
+		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The poetry of heroism appeals irresitably to those who don't go to a war,
+and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy."
+		-- Celine
+%
+The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad
+trying to stop yourself going mad.  You might just as well give in and
+save your sanity for later.
+%
+The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be
+addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified.  But it is equally
+important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not
+expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences.  Only then can
+we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing
+true distaste.
+		-- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
+		   Correct Behavior"
+%
+The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment.
+To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.
+		-- Buckminster Fuller
+%
+The pollution's at that awkward stage.
+Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.
+		-- Doug Sneyd
+%
+The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.
+		-- Anthony Burgess
+%
+The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
+prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,
+or to the people.
+		-- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)
+%
+The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
+	Were each of them once a kiddie.
+A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
+	Do I want one?  God Forbiddie!
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+The president publicly apologized today to all those offended by his brother's
+remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is Jews!".  Those
+offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
+		-- Channel 11 News, Baltimore, on Billy Carter
+%
+The prettiest women are almost always the most
+boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.
+		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+The price of greatness is responsibility.
+%
+The price of success in philosophy is triviality.
+		-- C. Glymour.
+%
+The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
+knowledge of its ugly side.
+		-- James Baldwin
+%
+The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
+difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
+%
+The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants;
+instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the
+variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead
+of the longer form of the constant.  This also simplifies modifying the
+program, should the value of pi change.
+		-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
+%
+The primary theme of SoupCon is communication.  The acronym "LEO"
+represents the secondary theme:
+
+	Law Enforcement Officials
+
+The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
+
+	Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
+		-- M. Gallaher
+%
+The probability of someone watching you is directly
+proportional to the stupidity of your action.
+%
+The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed,
+a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.
+		-- Mike Smith
+%
+The problem with any unwritten law is that
+you don't know where to go to erase it.
+		-- Glaser and Way
+%
+The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have
+to sleep every few days.
+%
+The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my
+time.  My speed is very fast.  Some ministers have had to drop out of my
+government because they could not keep up.
+		-- Idi Amin Dada
+%
+The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that
+for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good
+requires intent.
+%
+The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can
+be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
+		-- Elizabeth Taylor
+%
+The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
+%
+The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty
+for incompetence.
+%
+The problems of business administration in general, and database management in
+particular are much to difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded
+with sloppy english.
+		-- Edsger Dijkstra
+%
+The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid,
+stable business.
+		-- John Steinbeck
+%
+The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.
+%
+The programmers of old were mysterious and profound.  We cannot fathom their
+thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
+	Aware, like a fox crossing the water.  Alert, like a general on the
+battlefield.  Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests.  Simple, like uncarved
+blocks of wood.  Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
+	Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
+	The answer exists only in the Tao.
+%
+The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
+		-- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel
+and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a
+horse.
+		-- Jac Goudsmit
+%
+The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper
+thoughts about their neighbours.
+		-- F.H. Bradley
+%
+The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
+outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake
+since its colors are those of the London Reform Club.  Once tied around its
+victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before
+running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+The public demands certainties;  it must be told definitely and a bit
+raucously that this is true and that is false.  But there are no
+certainties.
+		-- H.L. Mencken, "Prejudice"
+%
+The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but
+because it gave pleasure to the spectators.
+		-- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England"
+%
+The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're
+not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not
+engineers.
+%
+"The pyramid is opening!"
+"Which one?"
+"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
+%
+The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
+%
+The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to
+join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its
+attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every
+sense of womanly feeling and propriety.  Lady-- ought to get a good
+whipping.  It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot
+contain herself.  God created men and women different -- then let them
+remain each in their own position.
+	-- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from
+	   Queen Victoria
+%
+The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of
+whether submarines can swim.
+		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
+%
+The questions remain the same.
+The answers are eternally variable.
+%
+The Rabbits				The Cow
+Here is a verse about rabbits		The cow is of the bovine ilk;
+That doesn't mention their habits.	One end is moo, the other, milk.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+The race is not always to the swift, nor the
+battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
+		-- Damon Runyon
+%
+The rain it raineth on the just
+And also on the unjust fella:
+But chiefly on the just, because
+The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
+		-- Lord Bowen
+%
+The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
+%
+The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise
+measurement of the speed of blight.
+%
+The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the
+illiterates can read.
+		-- Alberto Moravia
+%
+The real man's Bloody Mary:
+	Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tobasco, Worcestershire 
+	sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.
+
+	Fill a large tumbler with vodka.
+	Throw all the other ingredients away.
+%
+The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys.
+%
+The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.
+		-- Christopher Morley
+%
+The real reason large families benefit society is because at least
+a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners.
+%
+The real reason psychology is hard is that
+psychologists are trying to do the impossible.
+%
+The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
+%
+The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
+%
+The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love.
+		-- Don Rose
+%
+The reason that every major university maintains a department of
+mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those
+people.
+%
+The reason they're called wisdom teeth
+is that the experience makes you wise.
+%
+The reason why worry kills more people
+than work is that more people worry than work.
+%
+The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
+persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.  Therefore all progress
+depends on the unreasonable man.
+		-- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
+financial committments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
+a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
+industry, Honduras because the coffeee price went sour, Zaire because
+nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country.
+		-- Paul Erdman's Money Book
+%
+The relative importance of files depends on their cost
+in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them.
+		-- T.A. Dolotta
+%
+The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk
+of a Dodge Dart.
+		-- Lisa Alther
+%
+The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
+Called a hen a most elegant creature.
+	The hen, pleased with that,
+	Laid an egg in his hat --
+And thus did the hen reward Beecher. 
+		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
+%
+The reverse side also has a reverse side.  
+		-- Japanese proverb
+%
+The revolution will not be televised.
+%
+The reward for working hard is more hard work.
+%
+The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
+		-- Emerson
+%
+The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.
+The haves get more, the have-nots die.
+%
+The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
+This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
+%
+The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
+taken seriously.
+		-- Hubert Humphrey
+%
+The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
+taken seriously.
+	-- Hubert Humphrey
+%
+The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
+		-- Justice Douglas
+%
+The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared
+for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his
+infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and
+upon the successful management of which so much remains.
+		-- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist
+%
+The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
+House Un-American Activities Committee].  We will determine what rights
+you have and what rights you have not got.
+		-- J. Parnell Thomas
+%
+The ripest fruit falls first.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
+%
+The road to Hades is easy to travel.
+		-- Bion
+%
+The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
+		-- J. Gooding
+%
+The road to ruin is always in good repair,
+and the travellers pay the expense of it.
+		-- Josh Billings
+%
+The Roman Rule
+	The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
+	one who is doing it.
+%
+The root of all superstition is that men
+observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.
+		-- Francis Bacon
+%
+The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.
+%
+The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
+his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
+one leg.  The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
+take it too seriously.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.
+		-- Lewis Carroll
+%
+The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or
+give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
+		-- Jane Bryant Quinn
+%
+The rules:
+
+1:  Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
+2:  Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at
+	the console keyboard.
+3:  Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little
+	card decks together.
+4:  Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
+	especially if you're already married.
+5:  Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk pack as
+	a stool to reach another disk pack.
+6:  Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour
+	shift.
+7:  Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
+	files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
+8:  Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job.
+9:  Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
+10: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
+%
+The Russians have put a small ball up in the air.
+That does not raise my apprehensions one iota.
+		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
+%
+The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market
+award for achievement.  It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal
+gesture by the individual to himself.
+		-- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal"
+%
+The San Diego Freeway.  Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!
+%
+The savior becomes the victim.
+%
+The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.
+
+Cowboy:	"Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess.  Hardworkin'.
+ Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..."
+
+Horse:  "No, stupid, not feed*back*.  I said I wanted a feed*bag*.
+%
+The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
+showed that all had these things in common:
+
+	1) They all had moderate appetites.
+	2) They all came from middle class homes.
+	3) All but two of them were dead.
+%
+The search for the perfect martini is a fraud.  The perfect martini is
+a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings
+of civilization.
+		-- T.K.
+%
+The second best policy is dishonesty.
+%
+The Second Law of Thermodynamics:
+	If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!
+		-- Jim Warner
+%
+The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.
+%
+The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.
+%
+The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that,
+you've got it made.
+		-- Jean Giraudoux
+%
+The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow;
+there is no humor in Heaven.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone
+beat their head on the keyboard.  After working with it... I can see why!
+		-- Harry Skelton
+%
+The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he
+reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.  The Gray
+Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace
+of Gilpkerio Kistomerces.  Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of
+him are dead, he is alive.
+	Now about Lankhmar.  She's been invaded, her walls breached
+everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce
+host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and
+equipped with all modern weapons.  Yet you can save the city."
+	"How?" demanded Fafhrd.
+	Ningauble shrugged.  "You're a hero.  You should know."
+		-- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar"
+%
+The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth,
+and sixth years.
+%
+The sheep died in the wool.
+%
+The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
+		-- Marcus Tullius Cicero
+%
+The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.
+%
+The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
+		-- Noelie Altito
+%
+The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed.
+		-- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia
+%
+The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft
+voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity.
+		-- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907
+%
+The sixth shiek's sixth sheep's sick.
+		-- [just say that five times...]
+%
+The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.
+		-- Judge Harold T. Stone
+%
+The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
+%
+The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing,
+And surly Winter grimly flies.
+Now crystal clear are the falling waters,
+And bonnie blue are the sunny skies.
+Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning,
+The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell:
+All creatures joy in the sun's returning,
+And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell.
+
+The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer,
+The yellow Autumn presses near;
+Then in his turn come gloomy Winter,
+Till smiling Spring again appear.
+Thus seasons dancing, life advancing,
+Old Time and Nature their changes tell;
+But never ranging, still unchanging,
+I adore my bonnie Bell.
+		-- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell"
+%
+The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an
+"airplane-seat" metaphor.  Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers
+while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference --
+one can see only a very few things at once.
+		-- Fred Brooks
+%
+The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the
+rationalizations of the victors.  History is written by the survivors.
+		-- Max Lerner
+%
+The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and
+tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will
+have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor
+its theories will hold water.
+%
+The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
+He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore"
+The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before
+And slowly she let him inside.
+
+He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young
+But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
+And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun
+And now will you tell me why?"
+		-- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier"
+%
+The solution of problems is the most characteristic
+and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking.
+		-- William James
+%
+The solution of this problem is trivial
+and is left as an exercise for the reader.
+%
+The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
+		-- Peer
+%
+The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
+his rather old and crusty parish.  As is usual in these cases, a locum was
+sent to cover the transition period.  This particular man was young and
+active, and had the strange notion that church should also be avtive and 
+exciting.  As a consequence he was more than a little dissapointed with the
+dull and tradition-bound church.  He decided to do something about it.
+	For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and
+vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit.  The congregation
+was horrified!  He changed the order of the service.  The congregation was
+horrified!  Then came the children's lesson.
+	For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table.
+The congregation was mortified!  He sat there swinging his legs against
+the table as the children gathered around him.
+	He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
+	There was total silence.
+	He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
+	Total silence.
+	Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please,
+sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."
+%
+The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money.
+		-- Ed Bluestone, The National Lampoon
+%
+The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money.
+	-- Ed Bluestone
+%
+The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
+%
+The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
+%
+The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound.
+In town a noun might wear a gown,
+or further down, might dress a clown.
+A noun that's sound would never clown,
+but unsound nouns jump up and down.
+The sound of a noun could distrub the plowing,
+and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound.
+But please don't let that get you down,
+the renown of your gown is the talk of the town.
+		-- A. Nonnie Mouse
+%
+The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet
+themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week
+against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat
+Russian, get off my Ford Escort."
+		-- Dennis Miller
+%
+The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
+%
+The spirit of Plato dies hard.  We have been unable to escape the
+philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world
+is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying
+reality.
+		-- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
+%
+The star of riches is shining upon you.
+%
+The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers
+written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not
+follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces
+of paper in any other parts of the Universe.  This single statement took
+the scientific world by storm.  So many mathematical conferences got held
+in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation
+died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put
+back by years.
+		-- Douglas Adams
+%
+The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.
+		-- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices"
+%
+The steady state of disks is full.
+		-- Ken Thompson
+%
+The story of the butterfly:
+	"I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend.  I was in love,
+a long time ago.  I waited three days.  I was hungry but could not go
+out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her.  Then, on
+the third day, I heard a knock."
+	"I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight,
+there was nothing."
+	"Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away."
+		-- Peter Carey, BLISS
+%
+The story you are about to hear is true.
+Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
+%
+The street preacher looked so baffled
+When I asked him why he dressed
+With forty pounds of headlines 
+Stapled to his chest.
+But he cursed me when I proved to him
+I said, "Not even you can hide.
+You see, you're just like me.
+I hope you're satisfied."
+		-- Bob Dylan
+%
+The streets were dark with something more than night.
+		-- Raymond Chandler
+%
+The strong give up and move away, while the weak give up and stay.
+%
+The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay.
+%
+The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence.  He
+can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless
+existance recurring eternally.  The second characteristic of such a man is
+that he has the strength to recognise -- and to live with the recognition --
+that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones.
+He creates himself by fashoning his own values; he has the pride to live
+by the values he wills.
+		-- Nietzsche
+%
+The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have
+yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand.
+		-- The Silver Surfer
+%
+The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant.
+The population is, of course, growing.
+%
+The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
+		-- RKO
+%
+The sun was shining on the sea,
+Shining with all his might:
+He did his very best to make
+The billows smooth and bright --
+And this was very odd, because it was
+The middle of the night.
+		-- Lewis Carroll
+%
+The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.
+		-- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed"
+%
+The superfluous is very necessary.
+		-- Voltaire
+%
+The superior man understands what is right;
+the inferior man understands what will sell.
+		-- Confucius
+%
+The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their
+way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other,
+whom he assumes to have perfect vision.  Each tends to ascribe to the other
+side a consistency, forsight and coherence that its own experience belies.
+Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to
+speak of the room.
+		-- Henry Kissinger
+%
+The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
+%
+The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.
+%
+The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher
+esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
+		-- Nietzsche
+%
+The surest way to remain a winner is to
+win once, and then not play any more.
+%
+The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core --
+Scratch a lover and find a foe!
+		-- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness"
+%
+The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.
+%
+The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance.
+%
+The Tao doesn't take sides;
+it gives birth to both wins and losses.
+The Guru doesn't take sides;
+she welcomes both hackers and lusers.
+
+The Tao is like a stack:
+the data changes but not the structure.
+the more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
+the more you talk of it, the less you understand.
+
+Hold on to the root.
+%
+The Tao is like a glob pattern:
+used but never used up.
+It is like the extern void:
+filled with infinite possibilities.
+
+It is masked but always present.
+I don't know who built to it.
+It came before the first kernel.
+%
+The tao that can be tar(1)ed
+is not the entire Tao.
+The path that can be specified 
+is not the Full Path.
+
+We declare the names
+of all variables and functions.
+Yet the Tao has no type specifier.
+
+Dynamically binding, you realize the magic.
+Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy.
+
+Yet magic and hierarchy
+arise from the same source,
+and this source has a null pointer.
+
+Reference the NULL within NULL,
+it is the gateway to all wizardry.
+%
+The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer
+them a drink.
+		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"
+%
+The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available
+data.  Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon
+shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold,
+as the light of seven days."  Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
+radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times
+as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all.  The light we
+receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the
+Sun, so we can ignore that.  With these data we can compute the temperature
+of Heaven.  The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where
+the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation,
+i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation.  Using
+the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
+temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C).  The exact
+temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the
+temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas.
+Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their
+part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone."  A lake of molten
+brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point,
+or 444.6C  (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.)  We have,
+then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
+		-- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972
+%
+The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled
+culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.
+%
+The Ten Commandments for Technicians:
+	1:  Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
+	    capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a
+	    most untechnician-like manner.
+
+	7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
+	    fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console
+	    her in other ways.
+%
+The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene
+of shooting employees who make mistakes.  We will now refer to this process
+as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk).  The
+employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next.  All the terrible
+temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated.
+		-- Kenny's Korner
+%
+The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed
+ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
+		-- F. Scott Fitzgerald
+%
+The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
+		-- Aldo Leopold
+%
+The thing that takes up the least amount of time
+and causes the most amount of trouble is sex.
+%
+The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
+%
+The Third Law of Photography:
+	If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
+	when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
+	the dark leaks out.
+%
+The thought of being President fightens me and I do not think I
+want the job.
+		-- Ronald Reagan in 1973
+
+Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter.  Had he run unopposed he
+would have lost.
+		-- Mort Sahl
+
+Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art.
+		-- Gore Vidal
+
+Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and
+I need a lot of sleep.
+		-- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
+
+You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him
+accurately it's called mudslinging.
+		-- Walter Mondale
+%
+The Thought Police are here.  They've come
+To put you under cardiac arrest.
+And as they drag you through the door
+They tell you that you've failed the test.
+		-- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age"
+%
+The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August.
+%
+The three biggest software lies:
+
+	1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.
+	2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from
+		will fix the microcode.
+	3: Beta test site?  No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
+%
+The three laws of thermodynamics:
+	(1) You can't get anything without working for it.
+	(2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
+	(3) You can only break even at absolute zero.
+%
+THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
+
+1) Where's the bathroom?
+2) What time does the parade start?
+3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
+%
+The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive?
+2. Is it amusing?  3. Does it know its place?
+		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
+%
+The three rules of international air travel:
+
+(1)	Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used
+	to be Braniff or Aeroflot).
+(2)	Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you
+	know *exactly* what you're doing.
+(3)	Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
+%
+The thrill is here, but it won't last long
+You'd better have your fun before it moves along...
+%
+The time for action is past!
+Now is the time for senseless bickering.
+%
+The time is right to make new friends.
+%
+The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance
+committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
+		-- C.N. Parkinson
+%
+The time was the 19th of May, 1780.  The place was Hartford, Connecticut.
+The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of
+Judgement Day.  For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by
+mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age,
+men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came.
+The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session.  And, as some of
+the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the
+Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet.  He silenced
+them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or
+it is not.  If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment.  If it is, I
+choose to be found doing my duty.  I wish therefore that candles may be
+brought."
+		-- Alistair Cooke
+%
+The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.
+		-- Hosea Ballou
+%
+The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
+%
+The tree of research must from time to time
+be refreshed with the blood of bean counters.
+		-- Alan Kay
+%
+The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men,
+but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.
+		-- Little Big Man
+%
+The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.
+%
+The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
+%
+The trouble with being punctual is that people
+think you have nothing more important to do.
+%
+The trouble with computers is that they do
+what you tell them, not what you want.
+		-- D. Cohen
+%
+The trouble with doing something right the first
+time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
+%
+The trouble with eating Italian food is that
+five or six days later you're hungry again.
+		-- George Miller
+%
+The trouble with heart disease is that the first
+symptom is often hard to deal with: death.
+		-- Michael Phelps
+%
+The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
+		-- George S. Kaufman
+%
+The trouble with money is it costs too much!
+%
+The trouble with opportunity is that it
+always comes disguised as hard work.
+		-- Herbert V. Prochnow
+%
+The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing --
+and then marry him.
+		-- Cher
+%
+The trouble with some women is that they get
+all excited about nothing -- and then marry him.
+		-- Cher
+%
+The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds
+the other fellow of a dull one.
+		-- Sid Caesar
+%
+The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
+		-- Lily Tomlin
+%
+The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians
+who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool
+all of the people all of the time.
+		-- Franklin Adams
+%
+The trouble with you
+Is the trouble with me.
+Got two good eyes
+But we still don't see.
+		-- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead"
+%
+The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great
+height but just above the ground.  It seems more designed to make
+people stumble than to be walked upon.
+		-- Franz Kafka
+%
+The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.
+		-- Andre Malraux
+%
+The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
+And vice versa.
+%
+The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.
+		-- Stanley Kubrick
+%
+The Truth Shall Rape You Over.
+		-- Caltech
+%
+The truth you speak has no past and no future.
+It is, and that's all it needs to be.
+%
+The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
+Which practically conceal its sex.
+I think it clever of the turtle
+In such a fix to be so fertile.
+		-- O. Nash
+%
+The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
+%
+The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
+		-- Harlan Ellison
+%
+The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.
+		-- G.B. Shaw
+%
+The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic.  It showed that
+two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated
+by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.
+		-- I.F. Stone
+%
+The two things that can get you into trouble
+quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses.
+%
+The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
+annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh?
+And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh?
+There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh?
+So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot,
+Eh?
+So shut yer face up and dry yer mucklucks by the fire, eh?
+And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh?
+They may be cold, but that's okay!  Beer's better that way!
+Eh?
+		-- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh?
+Beauty!
+%
+The ultimate game show will be the one
+where somebody gets killed at the end.
+		-- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show"
+%
+The unfacts, did we have them, are too
+imprecisely few to warrant out certitude.
+%
+The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress.
+%
+The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.
+%
+The universe is an island,
+surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
+%
+The universe is laughing behind your back.
+%
+The Universe is populated by stable things.
+		-- Richard Dawkins
+%
+The universe is ruled by letting things take their course.
+It cannot be ruled by interfering.
+		-- Chinese proverb
+%
+The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
+		-- Sagan
+%
+The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
+Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall.  Philbin is
+said to make up for no talent by cheating well.  Says Philbin of
+his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
+%
+The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal,
+and deviation standard.
+%
+The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to
+hang yourself.  And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
+%
+The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable
+that I assume it must be evil.
+		-- Heywood Broun
+%
+The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
+religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
+from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
+yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the
+world put together.
+		-- Sir Peter Medawar
+%
+The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems
+is a symptom of professional immaturity.
+		-- Edsger Dijkstra
+%
+The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
+regarded as a criminal offence.
+		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
+%
+The use of COBOL cripples the mind;
+its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
+		-- E.W. Dijkstra
+%
+The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.
+		-- B. Franklin
+%
+The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
+%
+The very first essential for success is a perpetually
+constant and regular employment of violence.
+		-- Adolph Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
+%
+The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.  Instead of
+altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their
+views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the
+facts that needs altering.
+		-- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"
+%
+The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
+		-- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+The Vet Who Surprised A Cow
+	In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary
+surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow.  To investigate its internal
+gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial
+expression and struck a match.  The jet of flame set fire first to some
+bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000. 
+The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to
+the magistrates.  The cow escaped with shock.
+		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance
+to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth.
+		-- John Wayne
+%
+The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
+		-- Jerry Brown
+%
+The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh 
+restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks, 
+dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress.  She
+sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table,
+then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend.
+A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned
+to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking."
+%
+The wages of sin are unreported.
+%
+The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States
+Constitution.
+%
+The warning message we sent the Russians was a
+calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.
+		-- Alexander Haig
+%
+The water was not fit to drink.
+To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.
+By diligent effort, I learned to like it.
+		-- W. Churchill
+%
+The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and
+incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
+		-- Emo Philips
+%
+The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.
+		-- Nathaniel Howe
+%
+The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
+%
+The way to a man's heart is through his
+wife's belly, and don't you forget it.
+		-- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
+%
+The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
+%
+The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.
+%
+The way to fight a woman is with your hat.  Grab it and run.
+%
+The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
+%
+The way to make a small fortune in the
+commodities market is to start with a large fortune.
+%
+The weather is here.  Wish you were beautiful.
+%
+The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.
+My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.
+My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful.
+Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play?
+I feel together today!
+		-- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph"
+%
+The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
+%
+The weed of crime bears bitter fruit...
+but the leaves are good to smoke!
+		-- The Shadow
+%
+The white race is the cancer of history.
+		-- Susan Sontag
+%
+The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
+		-- Wavy Gravy
+%
+The whole of life is futile unless you
+consider it as a sporting proposition.
+%
+The whole world is a scab.  The point is to pick it constructively.
+		-- Peter Beard
+%
+The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
+		-- George Gobel
+%
+The whole world is about three drinks behind.
+		-- Humphrey Bogart
+%
+The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and
+not the dog, is man's best friend.  Rover is taking a beating -- and he
+should.
+		-- W.C. Fields
+%
+The wise man seeks everything in himself;
+the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else.
+%
+The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
+%
+The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the
+medical report she had just received.  When her husband came in from work,
+she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to
+live.  So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you
+throughout the night.  How does that sound, dearest?"
+	"Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband.  "You don't have
+to get up in the morning!"
+%
+The wonderful thing about a dancing bear
+is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all.
+%
+The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools
+we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral
+and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because
+of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible.
+We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller
+ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much.
+		-- Paul Licker
+%
+The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not
+designed for people who walk on their hands.
+		-- John Irving, "The World According to Garp"
+%
+The world is a comedy to those who think,
+and a tragedy to those who feel.
+		-- Horace Walpole
+%
+The world is coming to an end...  SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
+%
+The world is coming to an end!
+Repent and return those library books!
+%
+The world is full of people who have never, since
+childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.
+		-- E.B. White
+%
+The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says
+it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
+		-- E. Hubbard
+%
+The world is not octal despite DEC.
+%
+The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
+It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.
+You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
+		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+%
+The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.
+%
+The world really isn't any worse.
+It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
+%
+The world wants to be deceived.
+		-- Sebastian Brant
+%
+The world will end in 5 minutes.  Please log out.
+%
+The world's as ugly as sin,
+And almost as delightful
+		-- Frederick Locker-Lampson
+%
+The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars,
+nor its great scholars great men.
+		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
+%
+The Worst American Poet
+	Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that
+Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years.
+	Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire
+of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her
+pen.
+	Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the
+formula was the same:
+		Have you heard of the dreadful fate
+		Of Mr. P.P. Bliss and wife?
+		Of their death I will relate,
+		And also others lost their life
+		(in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster,
+		Where so many people died.
+	Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems,
+the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a
+river or struck by lightning.  A critic of the day said she was "worse than
+a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded.
+	Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even
+suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate".  Her reply was
+forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went
+beyond reason."  She added that "literary work is very difficult to do".
+		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE
+
+During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over
+emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an
+elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped
+up a tree.  They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their
+duty.  So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea.
+Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat
+and killed it.
+	-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
+
+In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
+Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors.  They
+had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
+sheepishly left the building.
+A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
+robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them.  When they demanded
+5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it
+was a practical joke.
+Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
+clutching his ankle.  The other two tried to make their getaway, but got
+trapped in the revolving doors again.
+%
+The Worst Car Hire Service
+	When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck
+as a joke.  Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up
+shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California.
+	He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he
+conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles.
+	To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and
+he now has 26 thriving branches all over America.  "People like driving
+round in the worst cars available," he said.  Of course they do.
+	"If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to
+admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'.  If they bring a car back late we
+overlook it.  If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle
+we might overlook that too."
+	"Where's the ashtray?" asked on Los Angeles wife, as she settled
+into the ripped interior.  "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the
+ash tray."
+		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.
+		-- G.B. Shaw
+%
+THE WORST HOMING PIGEON
+
+This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
+expected to reach its base that evening.  It was returned by post, dead,
+in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.
+	-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The worst is enemy of the bad.
+%
+The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."
+		-- King Lear
+%
+The Worst Jury
+	A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when
+one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the
+remotest clue what was happening.
+	The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any
+evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him.
+	The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second
+juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English.  A fluent French
+speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he
+was hearing a murder trial.
+	The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered
+from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language
+and nearly as deaf as the first juror.
+	The judge ordered a retrial.
+		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The Worst Lines of Verse
+For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line:
+	"Come, muse, let us sing of rats."
+Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted
+these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous
+laughter the instant they were read out.
+	No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was
+inspired by the subject of war.
+	"Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away,
+	And the grey roof reddened and rang;
+	Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay
+	The tip of my ear.  Flash! bang!"
+By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79):
+	"... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..."
+While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables:
+	"The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed,
+	The crippled pea alone that cannot stand."
+George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote:
+	"And I was ask'd and authorized to go
+	To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co."
+William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse:
+	"So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak
+	While in this world, are liable to leak."
+And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when
+describing a pond:
+	"I've measured it from side to side;
+	Tis three feet long and two feet wide."
+		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The Worst Musical Trio
+	There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at
+a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their
+instrument.  This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian
+gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated
+violinist.  Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite
+unhampered by great musical talent.
+	Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public
+concert.  "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does.
+A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm."  Although
+Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau
+in Paris.  However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown.
+	"Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father,
+"and it will be a sell out."
+	Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was.  On the night an excited
+audience gathered.  Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and
+asked for someone to turn his pages.
+	In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who
+volunteered and made his way to the stage.
+	The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the
+music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle
+Gaveau last night.  The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played
+the piano.  Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages.
+But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin."
+		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The worst part of having success is trying 
+to find someone who is happy for you.
+		-- Bette Midler
+%
+The worst part of valor is indiscretion.
+%
+The Worst Prison Guards
+	The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a
+maximum security prison is 124.  This record is held by Alcoente Prison,
+near Lisbon in Portugal.
+	During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison
+warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which
+included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity
+of electric cable had disappeared.  A guard explained, "Yes, we were
+planning to look for them, but never got around to it."  The warders had
+not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were
+"covered with posters".  Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels,
+water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities.
+The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36
+prisoners in his block only 13 were present.  He said this was "normal"
+because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back
+the next morning.
+	"We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when
+one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later.  [...]  When they
+eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the gaol's
+population was missing.  By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr.
+Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the
+"legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty."
+		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,
+but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.
+		-- G.B. Shaw
+%
+The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they
+are sober.
+		-- William Butler Yeats
+%
+The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one
+wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering
+if something could have materialized -- and never knowing.
+		-- David Viscott
+%
+The Wright Bothers weren't the first to fly.
+They were just the first not to crash.
+%
+The yankees, son, are up north.  
+The damnyankees are down here.
+%
+The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
+four and eighteen.  At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
+the answers.
+%
+The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup.
+	"Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor.
+	"Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated."
+%
+The young lady had an unusual list,
+Linked in part to a structural weakness.
+She set no preconditions.
+%
+The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
+to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he 
+found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day.
+He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the 
+rates were only $70.  The following morning he went down to the hotel's
+golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
+"Sure," said Scotty.  "That'll be $25 apiece."
+	"What?" screamed the bachelor.  "In the hotel across the street
+they only charge $1 a ball!"
+	"Naturally," replied the pro.  "Over there they get you by the
+rooms."
+%
+THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE
+%
+Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer...
+and you'd better not refuse.
+%
+Them as has, gets.
+%
+Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her
+incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy,
+acceptance, and peace.  "'Bye for now," she said warmly.
+		-- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D."
+%
+Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly.
+I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was
+right.
+		-- P.J. O'Rourke
+%
+Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
+%
+Then there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of
+Tates brand compasses for his troup; only $1.25 each!  Only problem was,
+when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing
+to the "W" on the dial.
+
+Moral:
+	He who has a Tates is lost!
+%
+"Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
+"NO! ... I mean Yes!  WHAT?"
+"I'll put `maybe.'"
+		-- Bloom County
+%
+Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand
+it.  The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.
+		-- Elbert Hubbard
+%
+Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
+Proof:
+	No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
+	Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
+%
+Theorem: All positive integers are equal.
+Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
+	Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B
+	(positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
+
+Proceed by induction:
+	If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1.
+	So A = B.
+
+Assume that the theorem is true for some value k.  Take A and B with
+	MAX(A, B) = k+1.  Then  MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k.  And hence
+	(A-1) = (B-1).  Consequently, A = B.
+%
+Theorem: All programs are dull.
+
+Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is
+nonempty.  Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all
+sets can be well ordered, so do it properly).  The minimal element is
+the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides 
+the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek.
+		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
+%
+THEORY:
+	System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to
+	originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good
+	it will look in print.
+%
+Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green.
+		-- Goethe
+%
+Theory of Selective Supervision:
+	The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is
+	the one time the boss walks through the office.
+%
+There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black
+armor.  His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree.  His broad
+shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you
+realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your
+body.  There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons:
+sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident.
+He speaks with a commanding voice:
+
+		"YOU SHALL NOT PASS"
+
+As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you.
+%
+There appears to be irrefutable evidence that
+the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.
+		-- Harvey Wheeler
+%
+There are a few things that never go out of style,
+and a feminine woman is one of them.
+		-- Ralston
+%
+There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.
+		-- Winston Churchill
+%
+There are bad times just around the corner,
+There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky
+And it's no good whining 
+About a silver lining
+For we know from experience that they won't roll by...
+		-- Noel Coward
+%
+There are few people more often in the wrong
+than those who cannot endure to be thought so.
+%
+There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess --
+and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided.
+		-- W. Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945
+%
+There are four kinds of homicide: felonious,
+excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy...
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+There are four stages to a marriage.  First there's the affair, then there's
+the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you
+cannot know a woman, the divorce.
+		-- Norman Mailer
+%
+There are in this country two very large monopolies.  The larger of the
+two has the following record:  The Vietnam War, Watergate, double-digit
+inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent
+postcard.  The second is responsible for such things as the transistor,
+the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording,
+sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape,
+magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV
+relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer,
+and the first communications satellite.  Guess which one is going to tell
+the other how to run the telephone business?  I can hardly wait for the
+results.
+%
+There are many intelligent species in
+the universe, and they all own cats.
+%
+There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break
+about even for all of us.  I have observed, for example, that we all get
+about the same amount of ice.  The rich get it in the summer and the poor
+get it in the winter.
+		-- Bat Masterson
+%
+There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal
+friend.  They may know something that we don't.  They are probably
+avoiding a great deal of pain.
+%
+There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.
+		-- Eugene Ionesco
+%
+There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
+%
+There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.
+%
+There are more things in heaven and earth,
+Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
+		-- Hamlet
+%
+There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
+%
+There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
+%
+There are new messages.
+%
+There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.
+		-- Baba Ram Dass
+%
+There are no answers, only cross-references.
+		-- Weiner
+%
+There are no emotional victims, only volunteers.
+%
+There are no great men, buster.  There are only men.
+		-- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful"
+%
+There are no great men, only great challenges that
+ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.
+		-- Admiral William Halsey
+%
+There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.
+		-- The Duke of Wellington
+%
+There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence
+of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally
+competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make
+some other part of hell comfortably cool.  This is obviously impossible.
+		-- Richard Davisson
+%
+There are no rules for March.  March is spring, sort
+of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it.
+%
+There are no winners in life, only survivors.
+%
+There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly.
+		-- Helen Rowland
+%
+There are only two kinds of tequila.  Good and better.
+%
+There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and
+taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days.
+		-- shades
+%
+There are people so addicted to exaggeration
+that they can't tell the truth without lying.
+		-- Josh Billings
+%
+There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals
+in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so
+people who find nothing odd about it.
+		-- Calvin Trillin
+%
+There are places I'll remember
+All my life though some have changed.
+Some forever not for better 
+Some have gone and some remain.
+All these places had their moments
+With lovers and friends I still recall.
+Some are dead and some are living,
+In my life I've loved them all.
+
+But of all these friends and lovers,
+There is no one compared with you,
+All these memories lose their meaning
+When I think of love as something new.
+Though I know I'll never lose affection
+For people and things that went before,
+I know I'll often stop and think about them
+In my life I'll love you more.
+		-- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965
+%
+There are running jobs.
+Why don't you go chase them?
+%
+There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
+plants and animals.  When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
+and when the lights go out, they turn into animals.  But then again,
+don't we all.
+%
+There are strange things done in the midnight sun
+	By the men who moil for gold;
+The Arctic trails have their secret tales
+	That would make your blood run cold;
+The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
+	But the queerest they ever did see
+Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
+	I cremated Sam McGee.
+		-- Robert W. Service
+%
+There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life 
+is the process of discovering them over and over and over.
+		-- David Nichols
+%
+There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and
+fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here
+and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for
+wonder.  There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up
+your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence.
+			-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
+%
+"There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and
+fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here
+and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for
+wonder.  There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up
+your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence."
+		-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
+%
+There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
+		-- Benjamin Disraeli
+%
+There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
+%
+There are three possibilities:
+Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun;
+there's a large meteor blocking transmission;
+someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.
+%
+There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
+offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a
+series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of
+food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection
+increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the
+affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no
+circumstances can the food be omitted.
+		-- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour
+%
+There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need
+the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the
+world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the
+long winter evenings.
+		-- Quentin Crisp
+%
+There are three rules for writing a novel.
+Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
+		-- Maugham
+%
+There are three schools of magic.  One:  State a tautology, then ring the
+changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy.  Two:  Record many facts.
+Try to find a pattern.  Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's
+science.  Three:  Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled
+by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering.
+%
+There are three things I always forget.  Names, faces -- the third I
+can't remember.
+		-- Italo Svevo
+%
+There are three things I have always loved 
+and never understood -- art, music, and women.
+%
+There are three things men can do with women:
+love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.
+		-- Stephen Stills
+%
+There are three ways to get something done:
+
+	1: Do it yourself.
+	2: Hire someone to do it for you.
+	3: Forbid your kids to do it.
+%
+There are three ways to get something done:
+do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
+%
+There are twenty-five people left in the world,
+and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers.
+		-- Ed Sanders
+%
+There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies.  They hang out and play
+together for years, virtually inseparable.  Unfortunately, one of them is
+struck by a truck and killed.  About a week later his friend wakes up in
+the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the
+room.  He calls out, "Who's there?  Who's there?  What's going on?"
+	"It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice.
+	Excitedly he sits up in bed.  "Bob!  Bob!  Is that you?  Where are
+you?"
+	"Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now."
+	"Heaven!  You're in heaven!  That's wonderful!  What's it like?"
+	"It's great, man.  I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day.
+I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time!
+Man it is smokin'!"
+	"Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more,
+tell me more!"
+	"Let me put it this way," continues the voice.  "There's good news
+and bad news.  The good news is that these guys are in top form.  I mean
+I have *never* heard them sound better.  They are *wailing* up here."
+	"The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..."
+%
+There are two kinds of fool.  One says, "This is old, and therefore good."
+And one says "This is new, and therefore better."
+		-- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
+%
+There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."
+And one says, "This is new, and therefore better"
+		-- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
+%
+There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
+		-- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar
+%
+There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
+We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
+		-- Jeremy S. Anderson
+%
+There are two problems with a major hangover.  You feel
+like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.
+%
+There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before
+marriage and after marriage.
+%
+There are two ways of constructing a software design.  One way is to make
+it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to
+make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
+		-- C.A.R. Hoare
+%
+There are two ways of disliking art.
+One is to dislike it. 
+The other is to like it rationally.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+There are two ways of disliking poetry;
+one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+There are two ways to write error-free
+programs; only the third one works.
+%
+There are very few personal problems that cannot be
+solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
+%
+There are worse things in life than death.  Have you ever spent an evening
+with an insurance salesman?
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men
+of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl.  But give me the rambling
+rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and
+together we'll face the world.
+		-- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush"
+%
+There but for the grace of God, goes God.
+		-- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps.
+%
+There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.
+		-- Ralph Nader
+%
+There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.
+		-- Henry Kissinger
+%
+There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he
+has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
+		-- W.C. Fields
+%
+There comes a time to stop being angry.
+		-- A Small Circle of Friends
+%
+There exist tasks which cannot be done
+by more than 10 men or fewer than 100.
+		-- Steele's Law
+%
+There goes the good time that was had by all.
+		-- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet
+%
+There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names.
+For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read
+permissions for everyone, you could say
+
+	#define creat(file, mode)	creat(file, mode | 0444)
+
+	I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it
+hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away
+from its uses.
+	To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that
+is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of
+the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon.  While a macro is
+being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro
+name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology
+-- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded
+recursively.  (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it
+was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.)
+		-- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review
+%
+There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.
+		-- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929
+%
+There has been an alarming increase in the
+number of things you know nothing about.
+%
+There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
+%
+There is a building with four floors.  On the first floor, there
+is a convention of architects.  On the second floor, there is a
+vinyl manufacturing plant.  On the third floor there is a fast food
+stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library.
+
+Q:	What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small
+	elevator with one other person from each floor?
+A:	The elevator would be full.
+%
+There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery
+is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation.  If
+you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.
+	--Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles
+%
+There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
+opinion.
+		-- Anatole France
+%
+There is a fly on your nose.
+%
+There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital
+and labour.  As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting
+each other's throat.
+		-- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun"
+%
+There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature:
+that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
+%
+There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
+%
+There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends
+his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.
+		-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
+%
+There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of
+wooden toilet seats.
+
+It's called the Birch John Society.
+%
+There is a road to freedom.  Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty,
+Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the
+Fatherland.
+		-- Adolf Hitler
+%
+There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
+what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear
+and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.  There
+is another theory which states that this has already happened.
+		-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
+%
+There is a time in the tides of men,
+Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.
+On the other hand, don't count on it.
+		-- T.K. Lawson
+%
+There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it
+is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
+		-- Helen Rowland
+%
+There is always more hell that needs raising.
+		-- Lauren Leveut
+%
+There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling
+somebody out.
+		-- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
+%
+There is always someone worse off than yourself.
+%
+There is always something new out of Africa.
+		-- Gaius Plinius Secundus
+%
+There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it
+has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.
+		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
+"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+There is brutality and there is honesty.
+There is no such thing as brutal honesty.
+%
+There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers,
+having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that,
+whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of
+gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and
+most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.
+		-- Darwin
+%
+There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can
+not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper.
+%
+There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
+		-- Arthur C. Clarke
+%
+There is in certain living souls
+A quality of loneliness unspeakable,
+So great it must be shared
+As company is shared by lesser beings.
+Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
+That in immensity
+There is one lonelier than you.
+%
+There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
+however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
+Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be 
+discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
+on his own account.  The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
+even highly probable.
+		-- H.L. Mencken, 1930
+%
+There is is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
+		-- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation),
+		   Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977
+%
+There is Jackson standing like a stone wall.  Let us determine to die,
+and we will conquer.  Follow me.
+		-- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA)
+%
+There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a
+man who eats Grapenuts on principle.
+		-- G.K. Chesterton
+%
+There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the
+man who eats Grap-Nuts on principle.
+		-- G.K. Chesterton
+%
+There is more to life than increasing its speed.
+		-- Mahatma Gandhi
+%
+There is more to life than increasing its speed.
+		-- Mohandis K. Gandhi
+%
+There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
+		-- Darth Vader
+%
+There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
+always enough time to do it over.
+%
+There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
+%
+There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party
+is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.
+		-- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey"
+%
+There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.
+No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
+		-- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates"
+%
+There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.
+No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
+	-- Jean Giradoux
+%
+"There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing 
+the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries 
+civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements. 
+We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward 
+striving of the human race"
+		-- Alfred North Whitehead
+%
+There is no comfort without pain; thus
+we define salvation through suffering.
+		-- Cato
+%
+There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.
+		-- George Santayana
+%
+There is no delight the equal of dread.
+As long as it is somebody else's.
+		--Clive Barker
+%
+There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.
+%
+There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest.  For example, when he
+filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary
+as 'unearned income.'
+	-- Michael Lara
+%
+There is no education that is not political.  An apolitical
+education is also political because it is purposely isolating.
+%
+There is no Father Christmas.  It's just a marketing ploy to make low income
+parents' lives a misery.  ...  I want you to picture the trusting face of a
+child, streaked with tears because of what you just said.  I want you to
+picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one
+Master of the Universe Battlecruiser!
+		-- Filthy Rich and Catflap
+%
+There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
+%
+There is no fool to the old fool.
+		-- John Heywood
+%
+There is no future in time travel.
+%
+There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
+%
+There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
+armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
+		-- Ernest Hemingway
+%
+There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.
+		-- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
+%
+There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.
+		-- George Francis Gillette
+%
+There is no point in waiting.
+The train stopped running years ago.
+All the schedules, the brochures,
+The bright-colored posters full of lies,
+Promise rides to a distant country
+That no longer exists.
+%
+There is no proverb that is not true.
+		-- Cervantes
+%
+There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools
+to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it.
+So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in
+check.  And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course.
+		-- Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
+%
+There is no royal road to geometry.
+		-- Euclid
+%
+There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
+%
+There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
+		-- G.B. Shaw
+%
+There is no security on this earth.  There is only opportunity.
+		-- General Douglas MacArthur
+%
+There is no sin but ignorance.
+		-- Christopher Marlowe
+%
+There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
+		-- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.
+%
+There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
+%
+There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer.
+%
+There is no such thing as a free lunch.
+%
+There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.
+%
+There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only
+the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive.
+		-- Christian Dior
+%
+There is no such thing as inner peace.  There is only nervousness or death.
+Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.
+		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
+%
+There is no such thing as pure pleasure;
+some anxiety always goes with it.
+%
+There is no time like the pleasant.
+%
+There is no time like the present
+for postponing what you ought to be doing.
+%
+There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and
+family.  But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too,
+the way his government is living.  What the government has got to do is
+live as cheap as the people.
+	-- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives
+us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.
+		-- Augier
+%
+There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.
+		-- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares"
+%
+There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
+		-- Churchill
+%
+There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.
+		-- Gaius Valerius Catullus
+%
+There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.
+		-- Marie Antoinette
+%
+There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult
+when you do it reluctantly.
+		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
+%
+There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who
+comes to visit.
+%
+There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said
+a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat.
+	"And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with
+an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin.
+	"I could have answered it if I had been there."
+	"Very well.  He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
+the middle of the night?'"
+%
+There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
+%
+There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it
+is done in private and you wash your hands afterward.
+%
+There is one difference between a tax collector and
+a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide.
+		-- Mortimer Caplan
+%
+There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him.  If he says
+"Yes" you know he is crooked.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+There is only one thing in the world worse than being
+talked about, and that is not being talked about.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none.
+		-- Paul Bourget
+%
+There is only one way to console a widow.  But remember the risk.
+		-- Robert Heinlein
+%
+There is only one way to kill capitalism --
+by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
+		-- Karl Marx
+%
+There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,
+and that word is blackmail.
+		-- Colm Brogan
+%
+There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which
+it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.
+		-- James Boswell
+%
+There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesale
+returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+There is something in the pang of change
+More than the heart can bear,
+Unhappiness remembering happiness.
+		-- Euripides
+%
+There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
+%
+There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us!
+%
+There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who
+constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those
+who do not.
+		-- Robert Benchley
+%
+There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United
+States; of course, I never heard the story before.
+%
+There must be more to life than having everything.
+		-- Maurice Sendak
+%
+There never was a good war or a bad peace.
+		-- B. Franklin
+%
+There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well.  The
+king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land.  He also wished
+in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate.  One day he said
+to the prince:
+	"If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even
+half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
+what would your decision be, my son?"
+	The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
+her that she was my best friend, and cut her head off."
+	The king knew that his son would be a great king.
+%
+There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well.  The
+king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land.  He also wished
+in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate.  One day he said
+to the prince:
+	"If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even
+half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
+what would your decision be, my son?"
+	The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
+her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom
+that I had promised."
+	The king knew that his son would be a great king.
+%
+There seems no plan because it is all plan.
+		-- C.S. Lewis
+%
+There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it."
+		-- C.S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia"
+%
+There was a little girl
+Who had a little curl
+Right in the middle of her forehead.
+When she was good, she was very, very good
+And when she was bad, she was very, very popular.
+		-- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book"
+%
+There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionallly put up
+with taking in a round with his wife.  One time (with his wife along) he
+was having an extremely bad round.  On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive
+over by a grounds-keepers' shack.  Although he did not have a clear shot
+to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack,
+and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be
+able to hit through.  Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go
+around to the other side and open the far door.  Sure enough, this gave
+him a clear path to the green.  He stepped up to his ball and prepared
+to hit.  His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to
+hit through.  After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in
+the doorway, to see what he was doing.  At that exact moment, the husband
+cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing
+her instantly.  A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same
+course, this time with a friend of his.  Once again on the 12th hole, he
+sliced his drive to the shack.  His friend suggested that he might be able
+to hit through, if he was to open both doors.
+	"Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7".
+%
+There was a phone call for you.
+%
+There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
+left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
+Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so
+they started debating who should be allowed to stay.  The Pope pointed
+out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world,
+the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck
+with the Vice-President, and so forth.  Then Mayor Daley said, "Look!
+We're not solving anything like this!  The only fair thing to do is
+to vote on it."  So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes.
+%
+There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have
+no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms.  If they recalled
+every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become
+insupportable.
+		-- Kurt Vonnegut
+%
+There was a young man from Brazil,
+And a lady who'd not take the pill,
+	They lay on the sofa,
+	And a <$H12{ot]{ok]{ob{o[]{oR{oK{oDpo~po~pot~poe~{ o!po~po~poq~
+n~po_~{o[po	 ~poz~pok~po\~{o
+8]{o/pomF~po^~{opoh~poY~{opoc~poT~{op~po^~poO~{o[~poY~ poJ~{oF~poT~poE~{o1~
+%
+There was a young man from LeDoux,
+Whose limericks stopped at line two.
+
+There was a young man from Verdunne.
+
+	[Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one
+	 is about some guy named Nero.  If anyone has a copy of it, please
+	 mail it to "fortune".  Ed.]
+%
+There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
+their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
+of the offspring conceived thereupon.  And so it goes that one Indian
+couple made love on a buffalo  hide.  Nine months later, they were
+blessed with a healthy baby son.  Yet another couple huddled together
+on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
+baby son.  But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
+were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion
+of the nine month interval.  All of which proves the old theorem that:
+The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of
+the squaws of the other two hides.
+%
+There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which,
+in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed.  The term
+that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the
+practice -- was `signing up.'  By signing up for the project you agreed
+to do whatever was necessary for success.  You agreed to forsake, if
+necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left
+(and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before).
+		-- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine"
+%
+There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be an Texan.
+Fortunately, he had an Texan friend and went to him for advice.  "Mike,
+you know I've always wanted to be a Texan.  You're a *real* Texan, what
+should I do?"
+	"Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look
+like a Texan.  That means you have to dress right.  The second thing
+you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl."
+	"Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker.
+	A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed
+in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna.  "Hey, there,
+pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits,"
+he tells the counterman.
+	The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says,
+"You must be from New York."
+	The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am.  How did
+you know?"
+	"Because this is a hardware store."
+%
+There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
+the boss asks for a lift home from office.
+%
+There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
+the boss asks for a lift home from the office.
+%
+There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
+%
+There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it.
+		-- Lily Tomlin
+%
+Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use
+this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.
+		-- Machiavelli
+%
+There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose,
+ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league.  There are
+pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could
+hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at
+least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey,
+Josh Gibson.  Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the
+pigmentation of their skin.  They happen to be colored.
+		-- Shirley Povich, 1941
+%
+There's a fine line between courage and foolishness.  Too bad it's not
+a fence.
+%
+There's a fine line between courage and foolishness.
+Too bad it's not a fence.
+%
+There's a lesson that I need to remember
+When everything is falling apart
+In life, just like in loving
+There's such a thing as trying to hard
+
+You've gotta sing
+Like you don't need the money
+Love like you'll never get hurt
+You've gotta dance
+Like nobody's watching
+It's gotta come from the heart
+If you want it to work.
+		-- Kathy Mattea
+%
+There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.
+%
+There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
+and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables.  Won a
+little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc.  Prayed for help.
+A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..."   Man looked around; nobody
+there.  What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
+The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..."  Played red again, and
+it won again.  The voice said, "Impair..."  Played odd, and it won.  Voice
+said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won.  This went
+on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all
+his money on what the voice said, and winning.  Finally when the voice
+spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to
+quit.  The voice was inexorable: "Douze..."  The man put the money on 12,
+and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
+%
+There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast
+The corporation that we represent.
+We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast,
+Of that man of men our sterling president
+The name of T.J. Watson means
+A courage none can stem
+And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM.
+		-- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
+%
+There's a trick to the Graceful Exit.  It begins with the vision to
+recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to
+let go.  It means leaving what's over without denying its validity
+or its past importance in our lives.  It involves a sense of future,
+a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on,
+rather than out.  The trick of retiring well may be the trick of
+living well.  It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding
+action, but a process.  It's hard to learn that we don't leave the
+best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office.
+We own what we learned back there.  The experiences and the growth
+are grafted onto our lives.  And when we exit, we can take ourselves
+along -- quite gracefully.
+		-- Ellen Goodman
+%
+There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!
+		-- Doug Clifford
+%
+There's always free cheese in a mouse trap.
+%
+There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
+%
+There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
+%
+There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you.  I really
+don't know that much about it.  I tried it once but it didn't do anything
+to me.
+		-- John Wayne
+%
+There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you.
+I really don't know that much about it.  I tried it once but it
+didn't do anything to me.
+		-- John Wayne
+%
+There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
+%
+There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.
+%
+There's little in taking or giving,
+	There's little in water or wine:
+This living, this living, this living,
+	Was never a project of mine.
+Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
+	The gain of the one at the top,
+For art is a form of catharsis,
+	And love is a permanent flop,
+And work is the provence of cattle,
+	And rest's for a clam in a shell,
+So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
+	Would you kindly direct me to hell?
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+There's no future in time travel.
+%
+There's no heavier burden than a great potential.
+%
+There's no justice in this world.
+		-- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano by
+		New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after Luciano had
+		saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch Schultz (by ordering
+		the assassination of Schultz instead)
+%
+There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
+		-- Dr. Who
+%
+There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
+		-- Raoul Duke
+%
+There's no saint like a reformed sinner.
+%
+There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know
+what you're talking about.
+		-- John von Neumann
+%
+There's no such thing as a free lunch.
+		-- Milton Friendman
+%
+There's no such thing as an original sin.
+		-- Elvis Costello
+%
+There's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.
+%
+There's no time like the pleasant.
+%
+There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
+working for you.
+		-- Will Rodgers
+%
+There's no use being precise about something
+when you don't even know what you're talking about.
+		-- John von Neumann
+%
+There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.
+%
+There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead
+armadillos.
+		-- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
+%
+There's nothing like a girl with a plunging
+neckline to keep a man on his toes.
+%
+There's nothing like a good does of another woman to make a man appreciate
+his wife.
+		-- Clare Booth Luce
+%
+There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.
+%
+There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.
+%
+There's nothing remarkable about it.  All one has to do is hit the right
+keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
+		-- J.S. Bach
+%
+There's nothing to writing.  All you do is sit at a typewriter
+and open a vein.
+		-- Red Smith
+%
+There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that
+nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.
+%
+There's nothing worse for your business than
+extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.
+		-- W. Bossert
+%
+There's nothing wrong with teenagers that
+reasoning with them won't aggravate.
+%
+There's one consolation about matrimony.  When you look around you can
+always see somebody who did worse.
+		-- Warren H. Goldsmith
+%
+There's one fool at least in every married couple.
+%
+There's only one everything.
+%
+There's only one way to have a happy marriage
+and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
+		-- Clint Eastwood
+%
+There's small choice in rotten apples.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
+%
+There's so much plastic in this culture that
+vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.
+		-- Lily Tomlin
+%
+There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
+%
+There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe,
+Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny.
+		-- G. Gordon Liddy
+%
+There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists.
+If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong.
+%
+There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.
+		-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
+%
+There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.
+		-- Richard Le Gallienne
+%
+These activities have their own rules and methods
+of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure.
+		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960
+%
+These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what
+they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
+%
+They also serve who only stand and wait.
+		-- John Milton
+%
+They also surf who only stand on waves.
+%
+They are called computers simply because computation is
+the only significant job that has so far been given to them.
+%
+They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting
+what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of
+life.  Let's face it: That's the American way.
+		-- Jeffery M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District
+		   of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers.
+%
+They are ill discoverers that think there is no land,
+when they can see nothing but sea.
+		-- Francis Bacon
+%
+They are relatively good but absolutely terrible.
+		-- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos
+%
+They call them "squares" because it's the
+most complicated shape they can deal with.
+%
+They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!
+		-- The Blues Brothers
+%
+They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
+		-- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last
+		words, Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864
+%
+They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there
+are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
+
+(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate
+	53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold a press
+	conference where you announce that they have a street value of $850
+	million.  These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, including
+	brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana cigarettes in
+	the lockers.  As far as anyone can tell, the locker factory puts them
+	there.
+(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you announce
+	you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a piece of human
+	sleaze.  This also never fails, because you always get a conviction.
+	A juror at a pornography trial is not about to state for the record
+	that he finds nothing obscene about a movie where actors engage in
+	sexual activities with live snakes and a fire extinguisher.  He is
+	going to convict the bookstore owner, and vote for the death penalty
+	just to make sure nobody gets the wrong impression.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+They don't know how the world is shaped.  And so they give it a shape, and
+try to make everything fit it.  They separate the right from the left, the
+man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They
+only want to count to two.
+		-- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance"
+%
+They don't suffer.  They can't even speak English.
+		-- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's
+		question about the suffering of starving miners.
+%
+They finally got King Midas, I hear.  Gild by association.
+%
+They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
+%
+They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.
+%
+They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government --
+especially the president -- with a microscope.  I don't argue with that,
+but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far.
+		-- Richard Nixon
+%
+They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when
+not actually threatened.  How very nice for authority.  I decided not to
+learn this particular lesson.
+		-- Richard Stallman
+%
+They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the
+system from within.  I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them.  First
+we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin.
+
+I'm guided by a signal in the heavens.  I'm guided by this birthmark on
+my skin.  I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons.  First we take Manhattan,
+then we take Berlin.
+
+I'd really like to live beside you, baby.  I love your body and your spirit
+and your clothes.  But you see that line there moving throug the station?
+I told you I told you I told you I was one of those.
+	-- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan"
+%
+They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy.
+Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+They told me you had proven it		When they discovered our results
+About a month before.			Their hair began to curl
+The proof was valid, more or less	Instead of understanding it
+But rather less than more.		We'd run the thing through PRL.
+
+He sent them word that we would try	Don't tell a soul about all this
+To pass where they had failed		For it must ever be
+And after we were done, to them		A secret, kept from all the rest
+The new proof would be mailed.		Between yourself and me.
+
+My notion was to start again
+Ignoring all they'd done
+We quickly turned it into code
+To see if it would run.
+%
+They told me you had proven it
+	About a month before.
+The proof was valid, more or less	He sent them word that we would try
+	But rather less than more.	To pass where they had failed
+					And after we were done, to them
+					The new proof would be mailed.
+My notion was to start again
+	Ignoring all they'd done
+We quickly turned it into code		When they discovered our results
+	To see if it would run.		Their hair began to curl
+					Instead of understanding it
+					We'd run the thing through PRL.
+Don't tell a soul about all this
+For it must ever be
+A secret, kept from all the rest
+Between yourself and me.
+%
+They took some of the Van Goghs, most
+of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
+%
+They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
+		-- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
+%
+They use different words for things in America.
+For instance they say elevator and we say lift.
+They say drapes and we say curtains.
+They say president and we say brain damaged git.
+		-- Alexie Sayle
+%
+They went rushing down that freeway,
+Messed around and got lost.
+They didn't care... they were just dying to get off,
+And it was life in the fast lane.
+		-- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane"
+%
+They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.
+		-- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads.
+%
+They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius,
+The man said "We got all that we can use",
+So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin',
+Working-at-the-car-wash blues.
+		-- Jim Croce
+%
+They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos.  Had one get loose on me
+back in '62.  It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out
+of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid
+for freedom.
+		-- Stig's Inferno
+%
+They're giving bank robbing a bad name.
+		-- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde
+%
+They're just jealous because they don't have three
+wise men and a virgin in the whole organization.
+		-- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the
+		ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed.
+%
+They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
+%
+Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become
+their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
+		-- G.K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"
+%
+Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
+		-- Dwight Eisenhower
+%
+Things are more like they used to be than they are new.
+%
+Things are not always what they seem.
+		-- Phaedrus
+%
+Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
+%
+Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.
+%
+Things past redress and now with me past care.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
+%
+Things will be bright in P.M.
+A cop will shine a light in your face.
+%
+Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
+		-- Will Rogers
+%
+Things worth having are worth cheating for.
+%
+Think big.
+Pollute the Mississippi.
+%
+Think honk if you're a telepath.
+%
+Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.
+		-- Darrell Royal
+%
+Think of it!  With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
+%
+Think of your family tonight.
+Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
+%
+Think sideways!
+		-- Ed De Bono
+%
+Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
+%
+Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.
+		-- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
+%
+Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time?
+It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine
+Have made my days and nights imperishable,
+Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore,
+Innumerable atoms; and one desert,
+Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break,
+But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks,
+Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness.
+%
+Thirteen at a table is unlucky only
+when the hostess has only twelve chops.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+Thirty white horses on a red hill,
+First they champ,
+Then they stamp,
+Then they stand still.
+		-- Tolkien
+%
+This ae nighte, this ae nighte,
+Everye nighte and alle,
+Fire and sleet and candlelyte,
+And Christe receive thy saule.
+		-- The Lykewake Dirge
+%
+This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked.  When we can
+speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled;
+batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented,
+deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts,
+Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong;  senseless,
+spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked;  {beef,
+beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled,
+pinhead;  asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple;  brute, lumbering, oafish;
+half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have
+a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon,
+individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be
+limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective?
+%
+This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
+(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
+		-- Found on a door in the MSU music building
+%
+This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd.
+%
+This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
+%
+This fortune cookie program out of order.  For those in desperate
+need, please use the program "randchar".  This program generates
+random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come
+up with something profound.  It will, however, take it no time at
+all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been.
+%
+This fortune intentionally not included.
+%
+This fortune intentionally says nothing.
+%
+This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose
+invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible.
+%
+This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
+%
+This fortune is inoperative.  Please try another.
+%
+This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
+%
+This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
+%
+This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
+%
+This generation doesn't have emotional baggage.
+We have emotional moving vans.
+		-- Bruce Feirstein
+%
+This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your
+bags!  I just won the California lottery!"
+	"Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
+	"I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out
+of the house by dinner!"
+%
+This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
+regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys...
+%
+This is a good time to punt work.
+%
+This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.
+Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.
+%
+This is Betty Frenel.  I don't know who to call but I can't reach my
+Food-a-holics partner.  I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage
+and mushroom.  Jim, come and get me!
+%
+This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, 
+and not enough hunchbacks.
+%
+This is for all ill-treated fellows
+	Unborn and unbegot,
+For them to read when they're in trouble
+	And I am not.
+		-- A.E. Housman
+%
+This is Jim Rockford.
+At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you.
+%
+This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds.  Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and
+his bail is forfeit.  That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe.
+Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.
+%
+This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you...   Is this a machine?
+I don't talk to machines!  [Click]
+%
+This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
+%
+This is NOT a repeat.
+%
+This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers.  The
+spark-gap is mightier than the pen.  Democracy will not be salvaged by men
+who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly.
+	-- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938
+%
+This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
+Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who!
+%
+This is the Baron.  Angel Martin tells me you buy information.  Ok,
+meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars
+and come alone.  I'm serious!
+%
+This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future,
+which is a little ironic since we may not have one.
+		-- Arthur Clarke
+%
+This is the first numerical problem I ever did.  It demonstrates the
+power of computers:
+
+Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods.  Instruct the
+thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum
+level of each component, for fixed caloric content.  The results are that
+one should eat each day:
+
+	1/2 chicken
+	1 egg
+	1 glass of skim milk
+	27 heads of lettuce.
+		-- Rev. Adrian Melott
+%
+This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
+		-- Winston Churchill
+%
+This is the theory that Jack built.
+This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built.
+This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...
+%
+This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
+And now you know why.
+%
+This is the way the world ends,
+This is the way the world ends,
+This is the way the world ends,
+Not with a bang but with a whimper.
+		-- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
+%
+This isn't right.  This isn't even wrong.
+		-- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper
+%
+This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's
+constant.  And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's
+been called by others the fiddle factor..."
+		-- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture.
+%
+This land is my land, and only my land,
+I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
+If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
+This land is private property.
+		-- Apologies to Woody Guthrie
+%
+This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an
+actual life, you would have received further instructions as
+to what to do and where to go.
+%
+This life is yours.  Some of it was given
+to you; the rest, you made yourself.
+%
+This login session: $13.76, but for you $11.88.
+%
+This login session: $13.99
+%
+This must be morning.  I never could get the hang of mornings.
+%
+This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
+%
+This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
+great force.
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+This one is for all you military types.  For those who don't know, Rangers
+are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army.  Marines are people
+who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets
+don't actually hurt.
+	One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a
+Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his
+hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're
+man enough to take me on?"
+	The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the
+Ranger.  When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two
+tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight.  There is the sound of
+a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet.  Soon, the
+Ranger reappears, quite untouched.  He puts his hands on his hips and sneers,
+"Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?"
+	The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men)
+charging after the Ranger.  They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill.
+After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine
+crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man,
+"What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath,
+replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir.  They're two of them!"
+%
+This place just isn't big enough for all of us.  We've
+got to find a way off this planet.
+%
+This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this:  most of
+the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time.  Many
+solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
+largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
+which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
+paper that were unhappy.
+		-- Douglas Adams
+%
+This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
+something child-like.
+		-- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
+%
+This product is meant for educational purposes only.  Any resemblance to real
+persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.  Void where prohibited.  Some
+assembly may be required.  Batteries not included.  Contents may settle during
+shipment.  Use only as directed.  May be too intense for some viewers.  If
+condition persists, consult your physician.  No user-serviceable parts inside.
+Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement.  Not responsible for direct,
+indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error
+or failure to perform.  Slippery when wet.  For office use only.  Substantial
+penalty for early withdrawal.  Do not write below this line.  Your cancelled
+check is your receipt.  Avoid contact with skin.  Employees and their families
+are not eligible.  Beware of dog.  Driver does not carry cash.  Limited time
+offer, call now to insure prompt delivery.  Use only in well-ventilated area.
+Keep away from fire or flame.  Some equipment shown is optional.  Price does
+not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery.  Penalty for private use.  Call
+toll free before digging.  Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product
+appear for identification purposes only.  All models over 18 years of age.  Do
+not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment.  Postage will be
+paid by addressee.  Apply only to affected area.  One size fits all.  Many
+suitcases look alike.  Edited for television.  No solicitors.  Reproduction
+strictly prohibited.  Restaurant package, not for resale.  Objects in mirror
+are closer than they appear.  Decision of judges is final.  This supersedes
+all previous notices.  No other warranty expressed or implied.
+%
+This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his
+mother's side.  I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry
+often have little else to sustain them.  Humoring them costs nothing and
+adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.
+		-- Lazarus Long
+%
+This screen intentionally left blank.
+%
+This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.
+%
+This sentence no verb.
+%
+This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
+%
+This thing all things devours:
+Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
+Gnaws iron, bites steel;
+Grinds hard stones to meal;
+Slays king, ruins town,
+And beats high mountain down.
+%
+This unit... must... survive.
+%
+This universe shipped by weight, not by volume.  Some expansion of the
+contents may have occurred during shipment.
+%
+This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard
+dying... but nobody thought so.  This was a future of fortune and theft,
+pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it.
+		-- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination"
+%
+This was the most unkindest cut of all.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
+%
+This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.
+This was terrible with raisins in it.
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!
+%
+This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
+%
+This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck.  His BMW was mangled, and so was he.
+The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup
+could groan was "My BMW!  My BMW!"
+	The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car
+wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged
+pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow
+and was lying about twenty feet away.
+	There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by
+"Oh no!  My Rolex!  My Rolex!"
+%
+Those lovable Brits department:
+	They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.
+%
+Those of you who think you know everything
+are annoying those of us who do.
+%
+Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do.
+%
+Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised)
+are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse
+at are called software.
+		-- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological
+		   Literacy for the 1990's.
+%
+Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have
+learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.
+		-- W.S. Krabill
+%
+Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
+Silly Putty.
+		-- Dennis Rawlins
+%
+Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
+%
+Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
+Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.
+%
+Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
+		-- George Santayana
+%
+Those who can't write, write manuals.
+%
+Those who claim the dead never return
+to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time.
+%
+Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics.
+%
+Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
+		-- Henry Spencer
+%
+Those who do things in a noble spirit of
+self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.
+		-- N. Alexander.
+%
+Those who educate children well are more to be honored than
+parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
+		-- Aristotle
+%
+Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty
+Often have a share in their misfortunes.
+		-- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle"
+%
+Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the
+world is love.  The poor know that it is money.
+		-- Gerald Brenan
+%
+Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
+%
+Those who make peaceful revolution impossible
+will make violent revolution inevitable.
+		-- John Fitzgerald Kennedy
+%
+Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are
+men who want rain without thunder and lightning.  They want the ocean
+without the roar of its many waters.
+		-- Frederick Douglass
+%
+Those who sweat in flames of hell,	Leaden eared, some thought their bowels
+Here's the reason that they fell:	Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels.
+While on earth they prayed in SAS,	These they offered up in praise
+PL/1, or other crass,			Thinking all this fetid haze
+Vulgar tongue.				A rapsody sung.
+
+Some the lord did sorely try		Jabber of the mindless horde
+Assembling all their pleas in hex.	Sequel next did mock the lord
+Speech as crabbed as devil's crable	Slothful sequel so enfangled
+Hex that marked on Tower Babel		Its speaker's lips became entangled
+The highest rung.			In his bung.
+
+Because in life they prayed so ill
+And offered god such swinish swill
+Now they sweat in flames of hell
+Sweat from lack of APL
+Sweat dung!
+%
+Those who talk don't know.  Those who don't talk, know.
+%
+Thou hast seen nothing yet.
+		-- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+Thou shalt not omit adultery.
+%
+Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
+be maintained.
+		-- The Tao of Programming
+%
+Though I respect that a lot
+I'd be fired if that were my job
+After killing Jason off and
+Countless screaming argonauts
+
+Bluebird of friendliness
+Like guardian angels it's
+Always near
+
+Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
+Who watches over you
+Make a little birdhouse in your soul
+Not to put too fine a point on it
+Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
+Make a little birdhouse in your soul
+
+		-- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants
+%
+Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
+%
+Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
+the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic.  A fourth affirms, with
+Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
+whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation...
+A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
+more about the matter than the others.
+%
+Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write.
+		-- Trollope
+%
+Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
+		-- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan,
+all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence:
+"Old MacDonald had a . . ."
+
+	"Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan.
+	"Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said.
+	"Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the
+		service station," said the Missourian.
+	"Wrong."
+	"Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan.
+	"CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster.  "Now for $100,000, spell 'farm.'"
+	"Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O."
+%
+Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought
+is irksome and three minutes is a long time.
+		-- A.E. Houseman
+%
+Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too
+late or a little too early for anything you want to do.
+		-- Jean-Paul Sartre
+%
+Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
+Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
+Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
+One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
+In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
+One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
+One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
+In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
+		-- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings"
+%
+Three rules for sounding like an expert:
+	1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.
+	2. Always point out second-order effects,
+	   but never point out when they can be ignored.
+	3. Come up with three rules of your own.
+%
+Throw away documentation and manuals,
+and users will be a hundred times happier.
+Throw away privileges and quotas,
+and users will do the Right Thing.
+Throw away proprietary and site licenses,
+and there won't be any pirating.
+
+If these three aren't enough,
+just stay at your home directory 
+and let all processes take their course.
+%
+Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
+what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.
+		-- Bertrand Russell
+%
+Thus spake the master programmer:
+	"A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program
+is its own hell."
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Thus spake the master programmer:
+	"After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless."
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Thus spake the master programmer:
+	"Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will
+	be productive."
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Thus spake the master programmer:
+	"Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
+	be maintained."
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Thus spake the master programmer:
+	"Time for you to leave."
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Thus spake the master programmer:
+	"When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes."
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Thus spake the master programmer:
+	"When you have learned to snatch the error code from
+	the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave."
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Thus spake the master programmer:
+	"Without the wind, the grass does not move.  Without software,
+	hardware is useless."
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Thus spake the master programmer:
+	"You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you
+	can't make him computer literate."
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Thyme's Law:
+	Everything goes wrong at once.
+%
+Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
+Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
+Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
+Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
+
+Tired of lying in the sunshine		And then one day you find
+Staying home to watch the rain		Ten years have got behind you
+You are young and life is long		No one told you when to run
+And there is time to kill today		You missed the starting gun
+
+And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
+And racing around to come up behind you again
+The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older
+Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
+
+Every year is getting shorter		Hanging on in quiet desperation
+						is the English way
+Never seem to find the time		The time is gone, the song is over
+Plans that either come to nought	Thought I'd something more to say...
+Or half a page of scribbled lines
+		-- Pink Floyd, "Time"
+%
+Tiddely Quiddely
+Edward M. Kennedy
+Quite unaccountably
+Drove in a stream.
+
+Pleas of amnesia
+Incomprehensible
+Possibly shattered
+Political dream.
+%
+Tiger got to hunt,
+Bird got to fly;
+Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?"
+
+Tiger got to sleep,
+Bird got to land;
+Man got to tell himself he understand.
+		-- The Books of Bokonon
+%
+Time and tide wait for no man.
+%
+Time as he grows old teaches all things.
+		-- Aeschylus
+%
+Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.
+%
+Time goes, you say?
+Ah no!
+Time stays, *we* go.
+		-- Austin Dobson
+%
+Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
+		-- Hector Berlioz
+%
+Time is an illusion; lunch-time doubly so.
+		-- Ford Prefect
+%
+Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
+		-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
+%
+Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
+%
+Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
+		-- Henry David Thoreau
+%
+Time is nature's way of making sure that
+everything doesn't happen at once.
+
+Space is nature's way of making sure that
+everything doesn't happen to you.
+%
+Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
+		-- Theophrastus
+%
+Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.
+%
+Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.
+%
+Time to be aggressive.  Go after a tattooed Virgo.
+%
+Time to take stock.
+Go home with some office supplies.
+%
+Time washes clean
+Love's wounds unseen.
+That's what someone told me;
+But I don't know what it means.
+		-- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time"
+%
+Time will end all my troubles,
+but I don't always approve of Time's methods.
+%
+Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business.
+		-- H.R.J. Grosch (attributed)
+%
+timesharing, n:
+	An access method whereby one computer abuses many people.
+%
+Timing must be perfect now.
+Two-timing must be better than perfect.
+%
+Tip of the Day:
+	Never fry bacon in the nude.
+%
+Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.
+		-- J. LeBoutillier
+%
+Tip the world over on its side and
+everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
+		-- Frank Lloyd Wright
+%
+TIPS FOR PERFORMERS:
+	Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters.
+	There are a finite number of jokes in the universe.
+	Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than
+		they would ordinarily.
+	There is no music in space.
+	People will pay to watch people make sounds.
+	Everything on stage should be larger than in real life.
+%
+TIRED of calculating components of vectors?  Displacements along direction of
+force getting you down?  Well, now there's help.  Try amazing "Dot-Product",
+the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available
+to YOU through this special offer.  Three out of five engineering consultants
+recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products.  Mr.
+Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview...
+	"Dot-Product really works!  Calculating Z-axis force components has
+	never been easier."
+Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product.  Use
+it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
+components.  How much would you pay for it?  But wait, it also calculates the
+work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTU's.  Divide Dot-Product by the
+magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator!  Now, how
+much would you pay?  All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
+But that's not all!  If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
+Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free!  Yes, you'll get
+Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!!
+Call 1-800-DOT-6000.  Operators are standing by.  That number again...
+1-800-DOT-6000.  Supplies are limited, so act now.  This offer is not
+available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.
+%
+Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.
+%
+'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.
+		-- H.L. Mencken
+%
+To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he
+is allowed to drive a taxi in New York.  For New York cabbies, honesty and
+stopping at red lights are both optional.
+	-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
+%
+To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go
+above fifty-eight degrees.  If you collapse on a street in New York, plan
+to spend a few days there.
+	-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
+%
+To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons
+in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.
+	-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
+%
+To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks.  There are,
+in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people.  The
+only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the
+Swedes speak better English."
+	-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
+%
+To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than
+a million dollars are those on fire.  These generally go for six hundred
+thousand.
+	-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
+%
+To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education.
+To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun.  To accuse neither
+oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.
+		-- Epictetus
+%
+To add insult to injury.
+		-- Phaedrus
+%
+To any truly impartial person, it would
+be obvious that I am always right.
+%
+To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
+		-- Elbert Hubbard
+%
+To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift.
+		-- Shelley
+%
+To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who
+should demand more from her?  You don't want a rose to sing.
+		-- Thackeray
+%
+To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job
+than a man would have to be.  Fortunately, this isn't difficult.
+%
+To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North
+Star.  As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.
+		-- Confucius
+%
+To be great is to be misunderstood.
+		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in
+Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's
+fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste.
+It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country
+in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar
+weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can
+be in the United States.  Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is
+a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States
+and not be happy.
+		-- H.L. Mencken, "On Being An American"
+%
+To be is to be related.
+		-- C.J. Keyser.
+%
+To be is to do.
+		-- I. Kant
+To do is to be.
+		-- A. Sartre
+Do be a Do Bee!
+		-- Miss Connie, Romper Room
+Do be do be do!
+		-- F. Sinatra
+Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
+		-- F. Flintstone
+%
+To be loved is very demoralizing.
+		-- Katharine Hepburn
+%
+to be nobody but yourself in a world 
+which is doing its best night and day
+to make you like everybody else
+means to fight the hardest battle
+any human being can fight and
+never stop fighting.                   
+		-- e.e. cummings
+%
+To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to,
+night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest
+battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
+		-- E.E. Cummings, "A Miscellany"
+%
+To be or not to be.
+		-- Shakespeare
+To do is to be.
+		-- Nietzsche
+To be is to do.
+		-- Sartre
+Do be do be do.
+		-- Sinatra
+%
+To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.
+%
+To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects
+but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own.
+		-- Lionel Strachey
+%
+To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
+		-- Golda Meir
+%
+To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times
+as well as a man.  Fortunately, this is not difficult.
+%
+To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
+and, whatever you hit, call it the target.
+%
+To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
+%
+To be who one is, is not to be someone else.
+%
+To be wise, the only thing you really need
+to know is when to say "I don't know."
+%
+To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for
+you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.
+		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+To code the impossible code,		This is my quest --
+To bring up a virgin machine,		To debug that code,
+To pop out of endless recursion,	No matter how hopeless,
+To grok what appears on the screen,	No matter the load,
+					To write those routines
+To right the unrightable bug,		Without question or pause,
+To endlessly twiddle and thrash,	To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV
+To mount the unmountable magtape,	For a heavenly cause.
+To stop the unstoppable crash!		And I know if I'll only be true
+					To this glorious quest,
+And the queue will be better for this,	That my code will run CUSPy and calm,
+That one man, scorned and		When it's put to the test.
+	destined to lose,
+Still strove with his last allocation
+To scrap the unscrappable kludge!
+		-- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha
+%
+To communicate is the beginning of understanding.
+		-- AT&T
+%
+To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances
+may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence.
+		-- Joseph Glanvill, 1661
+%
+To craunch a marmoset.
+		-- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke"
+%
+To criticize the incompetent is easy;
+it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
+%
+To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.
+		-- Senator Edmund Muskie
+%
+To do nothing is to be nothing.
+%
+To do two things at once is to do neither.
+		-- Publilius Syrus
+%
+To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally
+convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
+		-- H. Poincare
+%
+To err is human -- but it feels divine.
+		-- Mae West
+%
+To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.
+%
+To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.
+%
+To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
+%
+To err is human, but when the eraser wears out
+before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little.
+%
+To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.
+%
+To err is human, to forgive, infrequent.
+%
+To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
+%
+To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
+%
+To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
+		-- MIT Assasination Club
+%
+To err is human, to forgive unusual.
+%
+To err is human, to purr feline.
+To err is human, two curs canine.
+To err is human, to moo bovine.
+%
+To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.
+		-- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+To err is human.
+To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.
+%
+To err is human,
+To purr feline.
+		-- Robert Byrne
+%
+To err is humor.
+%
+To everything there is a season, a time for every pupose under heaven:
+A time to be born, and a time to die;
+A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
+A time to kill, and a time to heal;
+A time to break down, and a time to build up;
+A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
+A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
+A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
+A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
+A time to gain, and a time to lose;
+A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
+A time to tear, and a time to sew;
+A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
+A time to love, and a time to hate;
+A time of war, and a time of peace.
+		Ecclesiastes 3:1-9
+%
+To fear love is to fear life, and those
+who fear life are already three parts dead.
+		-- Bertrand Russell
+%
+To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two.
+		-- Norman Douglas
+%
+To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
+		-- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
+%
+To get something clean, one has to get something dirty.
+To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean.
+%
+To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
+persons, two of them absent.
+%
+To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
+%
+To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.
+%
+To have died once is enough.
+		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
+%
+To hell with the Prime Directive;
+Let's KILL something!
+%
+To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
+		-- Thomas Edison
+%
+To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
+		-- Robert Heller
+%
+To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.
+		-- W. Churchill, on Korean War negotiations
+%
+To keep your friends treat them kindly;
+to kill them, treat them often.
+%
+To know Edina is to reject it.
+		-- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election"
+%
+To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
+%
+To lead people, you must follow behind.
+		-- Lao Tsu
+%
+To listen to some devout people,
+one would imagine that God never laughs.
+		-- Sri Aurobindo
+%
+To love is good, love being difficult.
+%
+To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
+%
+To make tax forms true they should
+read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".
+%
+To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.
+		-- St. Augustine
+%
+TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
+where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
+circus and a clown killed my dad.
+		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura
+bitters.  Shake.
+		-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail.
+%
+To our sweethearts and wives.  May they never meet.
+		-- 19th century toast
+%
+To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
+%
+To restore a sense of reality, I think
+Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.
+		-- Jack Paar
+%
+To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
+%
+To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role,
+but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor
+micro and then try to run it on OS/2.  I mean, get serious.
+		-- William Zachmann, International Data Corp
+%
+To say you got a vote of confidence
+would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.
+		-- Andrew Young
+%
+To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
+%
+To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block,
+and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly.  It was
+agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy.
+There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen;
+it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of
+tone, skilful handling of the subject, fine shading.  It was the triumph of
+mind over matter; quite.
+		-- Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit"
+%
+To see you is to sympathize.
+%
+To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts
+the job will take the longest and cost the most.
+%
+To stand and be still,
+At the Birkenhead drill,
+Is a damned tough bullet to chew.
+		-- Rudyard Kipling
+%
+To stay young requires unceasing cultivation
+of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
+		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
+%
+To stay youthful, stay useful.
+%
+To teach is to learn.
+%
+To teach is to learn twice.
+		-- Joseph Joubert
+%
+To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.
+%
+To Theodore Roosevelt:
+	You are like the Wind and I like the Lion.  You form the Tempest.
+The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched.  I roar in defiance but
+you do not hear.  But between us there is a difference.  I, like the lion,
+must remain in my place.  While you, like the wind, will never know yours.
+		Mulay Hamid El Raisuli
+		Lord of the Riff
+		Sultan to the Berbers
+		Last of the Barbary Pirates
+%
+To thine own self be true.
+(If not that, at least make some money.)
+%
+To think contrary to one's era is heroism.  But to speak against it is
+madness.
+		-- Eugene Ionesco
+%
+To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
+system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
+inelegant, and unsatisfying.  But it's a question of congruence:
+precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
+uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
+well-defined ones.  Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
+of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
+secure ecological niche.
+		-- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
+%
+TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING:
+
+	Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
+what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
+may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
+	Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required
+to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
+destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted
+or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your
+receving said benefit.
+	I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between
+yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receving
+as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may
+in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
+	Amen.
+		-- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness"
+%
+To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
+%
+To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what
+he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.
+%
+To use violence is to already be defeated.
+		-- Chinese proverb
+%
+To whom the mornings are like nights,
+What must the midnights be!
+		-- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?)
+%
+To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly
+strip down your words to naked, willing flesh.
+Then bind them to a metaphor or three,
+and take by force a satisfying mesh.
+Arrange them to your will, each foot in place.
+You are the master here, and they the slaves.
+Now whip them to maintain a constant pace
+and rhythm as they stand in even staves.
+A word that strikes no pleasure?  Cast it out!
+What use are words that drive not to the heart?
+A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt,
+and choose more docile words to take its part.
+A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain,
+by making love directly to the brain.
+%
+To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+Tobacco is a filthy weed,
+That from the devil does proceed;
+It drains your purse, it burns your clothes,
+And makes a chimney of your nose.
+		-- B. Waterhouse
+%
+TODAY:
+	A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.
+%
+Today is a good day for information-gathering.
+Read someone else's mail file.
+%
+Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
+%
+Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
+%
+Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
+%
+Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
+%
+Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
+%
+Today is the last day of your life so far.
+%
+Today is what happened to yesterday.
+%
+Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a
+cheering squad and another paycheck.  When a woman marries, she gets a
+boarder.
+%
+Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.
+%
+Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
+cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream.  Join us soon for more 
+spectacular adventure starring...  Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
+		-- Bob & Ray
+%
+Todays weirdness is tomorrows reason why.
+		-- H.S. Thompson
+%
+Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.
+%
+toilet toupee, n:
+	Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
+	creating endless annoyance to male users.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.
+		-- Gore Vidal
+%
+Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past
+but fortunately, it can still be changed today.
+%
+Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
+%
+Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
+%
+Tomorrow's computers some time next month.
+		-- DEC
+%
+Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.
+%
+Tonight you will pay the wages of sin;
+Don't forget to leave a tip.
+%
+Tonight's the night:  Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
+%
+Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:
+	If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
+%
+Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy
+driving cabs and cutting hair.
+		-- George Burns
+%
+TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
+real fast and freak everybody out.
+		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+Too clever is dumb.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+Too cool to calypso,
+Too tough to tango,
+Too weird to watusi
+		-- The Only Ones
+%
+Too Late
+	A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by
+the two o'clock boats.  If their object in going down was to participate in
+the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after
+the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.
+		-- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861
+%
+Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.
+They seem more afraid of life than death.
+		-- James F. Byrnes
+%
+Too much is just enough.
+		-- Mark Twain, on whiskey
+%
+Too much is not enough.
+%
+Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
+		-- Mae West
+%
+Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for
+anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations
+in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software."
+		-- Instrument News
+		[Once is too often.  Ed.]
+%
+Too ripped.  Gotta go.
+%
+Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
+%
+Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings:
+ 
+10:	Sorry, but that's too useful.
+ 9:	Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent!
+ 8:	I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell
+	#pragma is for.
+ 7:	Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too
+	hard to write.
+ 6:	Them bats is smart; they use radar.
+ 5:	All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here?
+ 4:	How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!"
+ 3:	Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker.
+ 2:	Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth.
+ 1:	Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on 'noalias'.
+%
+Topologists are just plane folks.
+	Pilots are just plane folks.
+		Carpenters are just plane folks.
+			Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
+		Musicians are just playin' folks.
+	Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
+Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
+%
+Torque is cheap.
+%
+Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.
+%
+TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day):
+	I'm the person your mother warned you about.
+%
+Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
+		-- Judy Garland, "Wizard of Oz"
+%
+Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies.  When you
+get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay?  I was hitch-hiking."
+		-- David Letterman
+%
+Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme
+personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer.
+		-- A. Gide
+%
+Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
+		-- David Letterman
+%
+TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED
+%
+TRANSFER:
+	A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
+%
+TRANSPARENT:
+	Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object.
+	"It's there, but you can't see it"
+		-- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964.
+
+VIRTUAL:
+	Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object.
+	"I can see it, but it's not there."
+		-- Lady Macbeth.
+%
+TRANSVESTITE:
+	Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad.
+%
+Trap full -- please empty.
+%
+TRAVEL:
+	Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.
+%
+Travel important today;  Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
+%
+Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
+		-- Han Solo
+%
+Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.
+"What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
+	"All depends," the native drawled.  "Do you mean by them that has
+to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or
+by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms
+for a short spell?"
+%
+Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.
+		-- Publilius Syrus
+%
+Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last.
+		-- Charles DeGaulle
+%
+Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.
+		-- Michelangelo
+%
+Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
+%
+Trouble always comes at the wrong time.
+%
+Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the
+next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of
+a brand new series of three.
+%
+Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are
+beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees.
+%
+Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
+%
+True happiness will be found only in true love.
+%
+True leadership is the art of changing
+a group from what it is to what it ought to be.
+		-- Virginia Allan
+%
+True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of
+personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.
+		-- David Mamet
+%
+Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
+		-- Henrik Tikkanen
+%
+Truly simple systems... require infinite testing.
+		-- Norman Augustine
+%
+Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
+		-- Finlay Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy"
+%
+Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
+		-- Arabian proverb
+%
+TRUST ME:
+	Get me, give me, buy me, do me.
+%
+TRUST ME:
+	Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."
+%
+Trust your husband, adore your husband,
+and get as much as you can in your own name.
+		-- Joan Rivers
+%
+Truth can wait; he's used to it.
+%
+Truth has no special time of its own.  Its hour is now -- always.
+		-- Albert Schweitzer
+%
+Truth is free, but information costs.
+%
+Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
+%
+"Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense."
+%
+Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy
+of him that brought her birth.
+		-- Milton
+%
+Truth will out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)
+%
+TRUTHFUL:
+	Dumb and illiterate.
+%
+try again
+%
+Try not to have a good time ...
+This is supposed to be educational.
+		-- Charles Schulz
+%
+Try not.
+Do.
+Or do not.
+There is no try.
+%
+Try `stty 0' -- it works much better.
+%
+Try the Moo Shu Pork.  It is especially good today.
+%
+Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
+%
+Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
+%
+Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading:  Was it done, is
+it being done, or is something to be done?  Reports are now written in four
+tenses:  past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense.  Watch for
+novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), defined by the imperfect past,
+the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future.
+		-- Amrom Katz
+%
+Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
+%
+Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
+%
+Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
+		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
+%
+Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
+%
+Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
+specification is that it should run noiselessly.
+%
+Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for
+which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly.
+%
+Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
+		-- Alan Watts
+%
+Trying to get an education here is like
+trying to take a drink from a fire hose.
+%
+T-shirt:
+	Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!
+%
+Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
+%
+Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
+%
+Turn on, tune in, and take over.
+		-- Tim Leary
+%
+Turn the other cheek.
+		-- Jesus Christ
+%
+Turnaucka's Law:
+	The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
+	electrical cord.
+%
+Tussman's Law:
+	Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
+%
+TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
+		-- Frank Lloyd Wright
+%
+'Twas a woman who drove me to drink,
+and I never even had the decency to thank her.
+		-- R.B. Gossling
+%
+"Twas bergen and the eirie road
+Did mahwah into patterson:		"Beware the Hopatcong, my son!
+All jersey were the ocean groves,	The teeth that bite, the nails
+And the red bank bayonne.			that claw!
+					Beware the bound brook bird, and shun
+He took his belmar blade in hand:	The kearney communipaw."
+Long time the folsom foe he sought
+Till rested he by a bayway tree		And, as in nutley thought he stood,
+And stood a while in thought.		The Hopatcong with eyes of flame,
+					Came whippany through the englewood,
+One, two, one, two, and through		And garfield as it came.
+	and through
+The belmar blade went hackensack!	"And hast thou slain the Hopatcong?
+He left it dead and with it's head	Come to my arms, my perth amboy!
+He went weehawken back.			Hohokus day!  Soho!  Rahway!"
+					He caldwell in his joy.
+Did mahwah into patterson:
+All jersey were the ocean groves,
+And the red bank bayonne.
+		-- Paul Kieffer
+%
+'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves	And as in uffish thought he stood
+Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.	The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
+All mimsy were the borogroves		Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
+And the mome raths outgrabe.		And burbled as it came!
+
+"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!		One! Two! One! Two!
+The jaws that bite,				and through and through
+	the claws that catch!		The vorpal blade went snicker-snack.
+Beware the Jubjub bird,			He left it dead, and took its head,
+And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!"	And went galumphing back.
+
+He took his vorpal sword in hand	"Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
+Long time the manxome foe he sought.	Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
+So rested he by the tumtum tree		Oh frabjous day!  Calooh!  Callay!"
+And stood awhile in thought.		He chortled in his joy.
+
+					'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
+					Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
+					All mimsy were the borogroves
+		-- Lewis Carroll
+%
+'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
+Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.	"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
+All mimsy were the borogroves		The jaws that bite, the claws
+And the mome raths outgrabe.			that catch!
+					Beware the Jubjub bird,
+He took his vorpal sword in hand	And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!"
+Long time the manxome foe he sought.
+So rested he by the tumtum tree		And as in uffish thought he stood
+And stood awhile in thought.		The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
+					Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
+One! Two! One! Two!  And through and	And burbled as it came!
+	through
+The vorpal blade went snicker-snack.	"Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
+He left it dead, and took its head,	Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
+And went galumphing back.		Oh frabjous day!  Calooh!  Callay!"
+					He chortled in his joy.
+'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
+Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
+All mimsy were the borogroves
+And the mome raths outgrabe.
+		-- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky"
+%
+'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers
+Did buy and gamble in the craze		"Beware the Jabberstock, my son!
+All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers	The cost that bites, the worth
+By market's wrath unphased.			that falls!
+					Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun
+He took his forecast sword in hand:	The spurious Street o' Walls!"
+Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought -
+Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he,	And as in bearish thought he stood
+And stood awhile in thought.		The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed,
+					Came waffling with the truth too good,
+Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through	And yuppied great with greed!
+	and through
+The forecast blade went snicker-snack!	"And hast thou slain the Jabberstock?
+It bit the dirt, and with its shirt,	Come to my firm,  V.P.ish  boy!
+He went rebounding back.		O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!"
+					He bought him a Mercedes Toy.
+'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers
+Did gyre and tumble in the Crash
+All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers
+And mammon's wrath them bash!
+		-- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky"
+%
+'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
+Did gyre and gimble in their cave
+All mimsy was the CS-VAX
+And Cory raths outgrave.
+
+"Beware the software rot, my son!
+The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
+Beware the broken pipe, and shun
+The frumious system crash!"
+%
+'Twas midnight on the ocean,		Her children all were orphans,
+Not a streetcar was in sight,		Except one a tiny tot,
+So I stepped into a cigar store		Who had a home across the way
+To ask them for a light.		Above a vacant lot.
+
+The man	behind the counter		As I gazed through the oaken door
+Was a woman, old and gray,		A whale went drifting by,
+Who used to peddle doughnuts		Its six legs hanging in the air,
+On the road to Mandalay.		So I kissed her goodbye.
+
+She said "Good morning, stranger",	This story has a morale
+Her eyes were dry with tears,		As you can plainly see,
+As she put her head between her feet	Don't mix your gin with whiskey
+And stood that way for years.		On the deep and dark blue sea.
+		-- Midnight On The Ocean
+%
+'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one --
+When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun.
+Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh,
+A satellite spotted him making his way.
+The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire
+Was ready for action, and started to fire!
+The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky
+Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.
+I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys
+When out of my chimney there came a great noise.
+I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see
+St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me.
+But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking:
+A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking!
+Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell;
+Outside burning toys like confetti they fell.
+So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone:
+The Star Wars computer had got something wrong.
+Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart;
+'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start.
+It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
+If the crazy contraption would work very well.
+So after a trillion or two had been spent
+The system thought Santa a Red missle sent.
+So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
+There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.
+%
+Twenty two thousand days.
+Twenty two thousand days.
+It's not a lot.
+It's all you've got.
+Twenty two thousand days.
+		-- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"
+%
+Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers
+in heavy weather for several days.  I was serving on the lead battleship and
+was on watch on the bridge as night fell.  The visibility was poor with patchy
+fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.
+	Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported,
+"Light, bearing on the starboard bow."
+	"Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out.
+	Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous
+collision course with that ship.
+	The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on
+a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
+	Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
+	In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20
+degrees!"
+	"I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change
+course 20 degrees."
+	By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a
+battleship, change course 20 degrees."
+	Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!"
+	We changed course.
+		-- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings"
+%
+Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
+		-- Howard Kandel
+%
+Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
+%
+Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house.  The
+penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn,
+"Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?"  The
+owner then runs off to the sauna.  When he gets out of the sauna, he looks
+up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating
+away.  So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to
+the zoo, I did."  And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to 
+the movies!"
+%
+Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his 
+barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
+	"One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure
+knows when to stop."
+%
+Two heads are better than one.
+		-- John Heywood
+%
+Two heads are more numerous than one.
+%
+Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was 
+performing her normal housekeeping routines.  She was interrupted by 
+British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General
+Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in
+her home.  Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided
+a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center.  Upon
+entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention,
+and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their
+search was fruitless.  They had to return empty handed.  Word of the
+incident propagated rapidly through the region.  This historic event
+became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers.
+%
+Two is company, three is an orgy.
+%
+Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
+%
+Two men are in a hot-air balloon.  Soon, they find themselves lost in a
+canyon somewhere.  One of the three men says, "I've got an idea.  We can
+call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the
+end of the canyon.  Someone's bound to hear us by then!"
+	So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo!  Where
+are we?"  (They hear the echo several times).
+	Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
+You're lost!"
+	The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician."
+	Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?"
+	"For three reasons.  First, he took a long time to answer, second,
+he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless."
+%
+Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate.  The first man said,
+"This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation."  The second man said,
+"He bit it himself."  Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour
+trying to bite his own ear.  He succeeded only in falling over and bruising
+his forehead.  Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine
+the man whose ear was bitten.  If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself
+and the case is dismissed.  If his forehead is not bruised, the other man
+did it and must pay three silver pieces."
+%
+Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
+%
+Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things,
+with all due respect for their breakfast.  "I wonder why it is that
+toast always falls on the buttered side," said one.
+	"Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing.  Look
+at this."  And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the
+dry side.
+	"So, what have you to say for your theory now?"
+	"What am I to say?  You obviously buttered the wrong side."
+%
+Two peanuts were walking through the New York.  One was assaulted.
+%
+Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
+%
+Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane.
+%
+Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square.  One of them says, "By
+the way, did you hear that Romanov died?"
+	"No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!"
+%
+Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory.
+I forget the second.
+%
+Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars.  Each one
+orders two vodkas and immediately downs them.  They they order two more
+and once again quickly throw them back.  They then order two more.  When
+they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other,
+toasts him, "Skoal!"
+	The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey!  Did you come
+here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?"
+%
+Two wrongs are only the beginning.
+		-- Kohn
+%
+Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
+		-- Thomas Szasz
+%
+Tyger, Tyger, burning bright		Where the hammer?  Where the chain?
+In the forests of the night,		In what furnace was thy brain?
+What immortal hand or eye		What the anvil?  What dread grasp
+Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?	Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
+
+Burnt in distant deeps or skies		When the stars threw down their spears
+The cruel fire of thine eyes?		And water'd heaven with their tears
+On what wings dare he aspire?		Dare he laugh his work to see?
+What the hand dare seize the fire?	Dare he who made the lamb make thee?
+
+And what shoulder & what art		Tyger, Tyger, burning bright
+Could twist the sinews of they heart?	In the forests of the night,
+And when thy heart began to beat	What immortal hand or eye
+What dread hand & what dread feet	Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
+
+Could fetch it from the furnace deep
+And in thy horrid ribs dare steep
+In the well of sanguine woe?
+In what clay & in what mould
+Were thy eyes of fury roll'd?
+		-- William Blake, "The Tyger"
+%
+Type louder, please.
+%
+U:	There's a U -- a Unicorn!
+	Run right up and rub its horn.
+	Look at all those points you're losing!
+	UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
+		-- The Roguelet's ABC
+%
+Udall's Fourth Law:
+	Any change or reform you make
+	is going to have consequences you don't like.
+%
+UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
+%
+Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag.  Let me, then,
+straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate:
+Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity.
+		-- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas"
+%
+Ummm, well, OK.  The network's the network, the computer's the computer.
+Sorry for the confusion.
+		-- Sun Microsystems
+%
+Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the
+woods on a summer afternoon.  A fawn dances on and nibbles at some
+leaves.  He drifts lazily through the soft foliage.  Soon he starts
+coughing and drops dead.
+		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+Uncle Cosmo, why do they call this a word processor?
+It's simple, Skyler.  You've seen what food processors do to food, right? 
+%
+Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
+	Never use your thumb for a rule.
+	You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
+%
+Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some
+ordinance under which you can be booked.
+		-- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.
+%
+Under capitalism, man exploits man.
+Under communism, it's just the opposite.
+		-- J.K. Galbraith
+%
+Under deadline pressure for the next week.
+If you want something, it can wait.
+Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic...
+%
+Under every stone lurks a politician.
+		-- Aristophanes
+%
+Under the wide an starry sky,
+Dig my grave and let me lie,
+Glad did I live and gladly die,
+And laid me down with a will,
+And this be the verse that you grave for me,
+Here he lies where he longed to be,
+Home is the sailor home from the sea,
+And the hunter home from the hill.
+		-- R. Kipling
+%
+Under the wide and heavy VAX
+Dig my grave and let me relax
+Long have I lived, and many my hacks
+And I lay me down with a will.
+These be the words that tell the way:
+"Here he lies who piped 64K,
+Brought down the machine for nearly a day,
+And Rogue playing to an awful standstill."
+%
+Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
+	Superiority is recessive.
+%
+understand, v:
+	To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which
+	you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the
+	basis of your own internal model instead.
+%
+Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem
+in relation to a bigger problem.
+		-- P.D. Ouspensky
+%
+Unfair animal names:
+
+-- tsetse fly		-- bullhead
+-- booby		-- duck-billed platypus
+-- sapsucker		-- Clarence
+		-- Gary Larson
+%
+UNFAIR COMPETITION:
+	Selling cheaper than we do.
+%
+Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys.  I have many
+friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to
+throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him,
+slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.
+		-- Jon Bentley
+%
+Unhappy the land that needs heroes.
+		-- Bertolt Brecht
+%
+UNION:
+	A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.
+%
+United Nations, New York, December 25.  The peace and joy of the Christmas
+season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military
+forces of the world.  Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of
+every persuasion.  Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time
+low over the world.
+		-- Isaac Asimov
+%
+UNIVERSE:
+	The problem.
+%
+universe, n:
+	The problem.
+%
+Universities are places of knowledge.  The freshman each bring a little
+in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
+%
+UNIVERSITY:
+	Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
+	usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell
+	you how to fix it, and...
+
+	[Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying
+	 the credibility of the entire fortune program.  Ed.]
+%
+University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
+		-- Henry Kissinger
+%
+UNIX enhancements aren't.
+%
+Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple
+of more feet, just to be sure.
+		-- Eric Allman
+
+... We make rope.
+		-- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystem's new virtual memory.
+%
+Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix
+hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week --
+but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game.
+People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the
+world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers.
+		-- E. Post
+		"Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83
+%
+Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories.
+		-- Donn Seeley
+%
+UNIX is hot.  It's more than hot.  It's steaming.  It's quicksilver
+lightning with a laserbeam kicker.
+		-- Michael Jay Tucker
+%
+UNIX is many things to many people,
+but it's never been everything to anybody.
+%
+Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
+		-- Berry Kercheval
+%
+Unix, n:
+	A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and
+	impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off
+	with the workstation harem.
+%
+unix soit qui mal y pense
+%
+UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that
+would also stop you from doing clever things.
+	-- Doug Gwyn
+%
+Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...
+%
+Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime
+between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20.  The flag is described as red, white
+and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.
+		-- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987
+%
+Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
+of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
+a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
+be so superfluous to demand the time of the day.  I wasted time and now doth
+time waste me.
+		-- William Shakespeare
+%
+Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.
+		-- E.E. Cummings
+%
+Unnamed Law:
+	If it happens, it must be possible.
+%
+Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking,
+unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.
+		-- Edward Gibbon
+%
+Unquestionably, there is progress.  The average American now
+pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
+		-- H.L. Mencken
+%
+Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
+		-- Richard Amour
+%
+UNTOLD WEALTH:
+	What you left out on April 15th.
+%
+Up against the net, redneck mother,
+Mother who has raised your son so well;
+He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh,
+Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell...
+%
+Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
+or DMT.  "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth
+noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
+		-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+Usage:  fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ...
+%
+Use a pun, go to jail.
+%
+Use an accordion.  Go to jail.
+		-- KFOG, San Francisco
+%
+Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent
+if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
+		-- Henry Van Dyke
+%
+USENET would be a better laboratory is there were
+more labor and less oratory.
+		-- Elizabeth Haley
+%
+USER:
+	A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
+%
+User hostile.
+%
+user, n:
+	The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
+		-- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
+
+[I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used
+ when they meant "idiot."  Ed.]
+%
+Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
+		-- S.C. Johnson
+%
+Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.
+		-- Tom Robbins
+%
+/usr/news/gotcha
+%
+Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.
+		-- Mel Brooks, "The Listener"
+%
+VACATION:
+	A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that
+	it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday
+	life-style to recuperate.
+%
+Van Roy's Law:
+	An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
+%
+Van Roy's Law:
+	Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.
+
+Van Roy's Truism:
+	Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
+%
+Variables don't; constants aren't.
+%
+Vax Vobiscum
+%
+Vegetables are what food eats.
+Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.
+Fish are fast moving vegetables.
+Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
+		-- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
+%
+Vegeterians beware!  You are what you eat.
+%
+Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
+	1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
+	2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
+%
+Veni, Vidi, VISA:
+	I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
+%
+Verba volant, scripta manent!
+%
+Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.
+		-- E.F. Benson
+%
+Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five.  The
+reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of
+thirty-five.
+		-- Joel Hildebrand
+%
+Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
+%
+Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an
+infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one
+could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow
+somewhere.  A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew
+ratchet screwdrivers as fruit.  The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is
+quite interesting.  Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can
+lie undisturbed for years.  Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its
+outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable
+little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole
+for a screw.  This, when found, will get thrown away.  No one knows what the
+screwdriver is supposed to gain from this.  Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
+is presumably working on it.
+%
+Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen
+at all.  The conscientious historian will correct these defects.
+		-- Herodotus
+%
+Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
+%
+VI:
+	A hungry dog hunts best.
+	A hungrier dog hunts even better.
+VII:
+	Decreased business base increases overhead.
+	So does increased business base.
+VIII:
+	The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator
+	is fifth grade arithmetic.
+IX:
+	Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
+	possible to make trivial ideas profound.  Q.E.D.
+X:
+	Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
+	People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
+		-- Norman Augustine
+%
+Victory uber allies!
+%
+Viking, n:
+	1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers,
+	entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import
+	business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes.
+	2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning
+	in the 9th century.
+
+Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used
+only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront
+property.
+%
+Vini, vidi, vici.
+[I came, I saw, I conquered].
+		-- Gaius Julius Caesar
+%
+"Violence accomplishes nothing."  What a contemptible lie!  Raw, naked
+violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method
+ever employed.  Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the
+issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges?
+%
+Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.
+%
+Violence is molding.
+%
+Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
+		-- Salvador Hardin
+%
+Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on.  But now and then
+there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a
+frying pan.  Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we
+weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as
+impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but
+shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.
+		-- Tom Robbins
+%
+VIRGINIA:
+	A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind
+	baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer.
+%
+VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
+	You are the logical type and hate disorder.  This nitpicking is
+sickening to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
+fall asleep while making love.  Virgos make good bus drivers.
+%
+VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.22)
+	Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count
+	to ten without using your fingers.  Be careful dressing this
+	morning.  You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
+	wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
+	that old underwear you own.
+%
+Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice --
+only the willingness to make it when necessary.
+		-- Frederick Dunn
+%
+Virtue is its own punishment.
+		-- Denniston
+
+Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment.
+		-- Aneurin Bevan
+%
+Virtue is not left to stand alone.
+He who practices it will have neighbors.
+		-- Confucius
+%
+Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.
+		-- La Rochefoucauld
+%
+Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota.
+%
+Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
+%
+Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.
+		-- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres"
+%
+VMS, n:
+	The world's foremost multi-user adventure game.
+%
+VMS version 2.0 ==>
+%
+Voicless it cries,
+Wingless flutters,
+Toothless bites,
+Mouthless mutters.
+%
+VOLCANO:
+	A mountain with hiccups.
+%
+Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim
+And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
+And to him who's scientific
+There is nothing that's terrific
+In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts!
+		-- W.S. Gilbert, "The Mikado"
+%
+Volley Theory:
+	It is better to have lobbed and lost
+	than never to have lobbed at all.
+%
+Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories.  Von Neumann
+supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on
+the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked
+how to solve problems.  One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
+information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem.  Von
+Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.".
+%
+Vote anarchist.
+%
+Vote early and vote often.
+		-- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform
+		campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926.  Big Bill won.
+%
+VUJA DE:
+	The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.
+%
+Wad some power the giftie gie us
+To see oursels as others see us.
+		-- R. Browning
+%
+Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.
+		-- Pericles
+%
+Waiter:	"Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
+1st customer: "I'll have tea."
+2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
+	(Waiter exits, returns)
+Waiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?"
+%
+Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call,
+Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all.
+Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin,
+Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again.
+
+Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall.
+Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all.
+Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled.
+Make our country well again, respected by the world.
+
+Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun.
+Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done.
+Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free,
+Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me.
+		-- Pansy Myers Schroeder
+%
+Wake up and smell the coffee.
+		-- Ann Landers
+%
+Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered
+a capital crime.  For a first offense, that is.
+%
+Walk softly and carry a big stick.
+		-- Theodore Roosevelt
+%
+Walking on water wasn't built in a day.
+		-- Jack Kerouac
+%
+Walt:	Dad, what's gradual school?
+Garp:	Gradual school?
+Walt:	Yeah.  Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching
+	gradual school.
+Garp:	Oh.  Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually
+	find out that you don't want to go to school anymore.
+		-- The World According To Garp
+%
+Walters' Rule:
+	All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from
+	the center of the terminal.  Nobody ever had a reservation
+	on a plane that left Gate 1.
+%
+Wanna buy a duck?
+%
+Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed,
+A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
+But then one day he was shootin' at some food,
+When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is;
+	black gold; 'Texas tea' ...
+
+Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire.
+The kinfolk said, 'Jed, move away from there!'
+They said, 'Californy is the place ya oughta be',
+So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is;
+	swimmin' pools; movie stars.
+%
+War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.
+%
+War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
+		-- Charles Edward Montague
+%
+War is an equal opportunity destroyer.
+%
+War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.
+		-- Desiderius Erasmus
+%
+War is like love, it always finds a way.
+		-- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage"
+%
+War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
+		-- Clemenceau
+%
+War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.
+		-- Anacreon
+%
+WARNING:
+	Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
+	mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth
+	of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome
+	of your favorite war.
+%
+WARNING!
+	This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need!
+A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the
+user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program
+to run.  The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional
+to the desperation of the user.  Threatening the terminal with violence only
+aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the
+entire system to go down.  Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause
+it to core dump.  (They all belong to the same LAN.)  Keep cool and say nice
+things to the terminal.
+%
+Warning: Trespassers will be shot.
+Survivors will be shot again.
+%
+WARNING!!!
+This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.
+
+A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the
+operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the
+machine.  The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional
+to the desperation of the operator.  Threatening the machine with violence
+only aggravates the situation.  Likewise, attempts to use another machine
+may cause it to malfunction.  They belong to the same union.  Keep cool
+and say nice things to the machine.  Nothing else seems to work.
+
+See also: flog(1), tm(1)
+%
+Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles
+In children's circuses could stay their troubles?
+There was a time they could cry over books,
+But time has set its maggot on their track.
+Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe.
+What's never known is safest in this life.
+Under the skysigns they who have no arms
+Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost
+Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best.
+		-- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time"
+%
+Washington, D.C.   Wasting your money since 1810.
+%
+Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.
+%
+Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
+		-- John F. Kennedy
+%
+[Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for
+the people -- the big, the bland and the banal.
+		-- Ada Louise Huxtable
+%
+Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer
+knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing?
+%
+Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
+		-- Euripides
+%
+Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
+%
+Wasting time is an important part of living.
+%
+Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal.
+%
+Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
+		-- Han Solo
+%
+Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Watership Down:
+You've read the book.  You've seen the movie.  Now eat the stew!
+%
+Watson's Law:
+	The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
+	number and significance of any persons watching it.
+%
+WE:
+	The single most important word in the world.
+%
+We all agree on the necessity of compromise.  We just can't agree on
+when it's necessary to compromise.
+	-- Larry Wall
+%
+We all declare for liberty, but in using the
+same word we do not all mean the same thing.
+		-- A. Lincoln
+%
+We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.
+%
+We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
+%
+We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
+%
+We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.
+		-- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
+%
+We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.
+		-- Dr. Konrad Adenauer
+%
+We are all agreed that your theory is crazy.  The question which divides us is
+whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct.  My own feeling
+is that it is not crazy enough. 
+		-- Niels Bohr
+%
+We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized
+before we are fit to participate in society.
+		-- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
+		Correct Behaviour"
+%
+We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.
+%
+We are all born mad.  Some remain so.
+		-- Samuel Beckett
+%
+We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.
+%
+We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.
+		-- A. Schweitzer
+%
+We are all worms.  But I do believe I am a glowworm.
+		-- Winston Churchill
+%
+We are anthill men upon an anthill world.
+		-- Ray Bradbury
+%
+We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
+		-- Whole Earth Catalog
+%
+We are confronted with unsurmountable opportunities.
+		-- Pogo
+%
+We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.
+	-- John Naisbitt, Megatrends
+%
+We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his
+own facts.
+	-- Patrick Moynihan
+%
+We are each only one drop in a great
+ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!
+%
+We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.
+%
+We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese
+dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.
+		-- J.Hoover
+%
+We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
+socialism, because socialism is defunct.  It dies all by itself.  The bad
+thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?
+		-- Fidel Castro
+%
+We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
+socialism, because socialism is defunct.  It dies all by itself.  The
+bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its...
+Did I say socialism?
+		-- Fidel Castro
+%
+We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
+		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
+%
+We are Microsoft.  Unix is irrelevant.
+Openness is futile.  Prepare to be assimilated.
+%
+We are not a clone.
+%
+We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.
+		-- John Fisher
+%
+We are not alone.
+%
+We are not loved by our friends for what we are;
+rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.
+		-- Victor Hugo
+%
+We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to
+develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers
+Manual.
+		-- Andrew Hume
+%
+We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property.
+%
+We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.
+		-- Jonathon Swift
+%
+We are sorry.  We cannot complete your call as dialed.  Please check
+the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.
+
+This is a recording.
+%
+We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and
+share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft
+our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air,
+leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine
+the substance that cast them.
+%
+We are the people our parents warned us about.
+%
+We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified...
+to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful...
+		-- GI in Vietnam, 1970
+%
+We are what we are.
+%
+We are what we pretend to be.
+		-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
+%
+We can defeat gravity.  The problem is the paperwork involved.
+%
+We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.
+		-- Yates
+%
+We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the
+technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.
+		-- Edsger Dijkstra
+%
+We cannot command nature except by obeying her.
+		-- Sir Francis Bacon
+%
+We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
+		-- Calvin Coolidge
+%
+We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
+		-- Richard Nixon
+%
+We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our
+feet and go skating.
+		-- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist.
+%
+We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth,
+take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send
+forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search
+into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and
+beautiful Universe, Our home.
+		-- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler
+%
+We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
+		-- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach
+%
+We don't care.  We don't have to.  We're the Phone Company.
+%
+We don't care how they do it in New York.
+%
+We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
+		-- James Watt, noted theologian
+%
+We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
+%
+We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish.
+%
+We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure
+that it wasn't a fish.
+	-- Marshall McLuhan
+%
+We don't like their sound.  Groups of guitars are on the way out.
+		-- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962
+%
+We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control.
+		-- Pink Floyd
+%
+We don't need no indirection		We don't need no compilation
+We don't need no flow control		We don't need no load control
+No data typing or declarations		No link edit for external bindings
+Hey! did you leave the lists alone?	Hey! did you leave that source alone?
+Chorus:					(Chorus)
+	Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call.
+
+We don't need no side-effecting		We don't need no allocation
+We don't need no flow control		We don't need no special-nodes
+No global variables for execution	No dark bit-flipping for debugging
+Hey! did you leave the args alone?	Hey! did you leave those bits alone?
+(Chorus)				(Chorus)
+		-- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd
+%
+We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
+%
+We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.
+		-- Walter Summers
+%
+We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't
+understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!
+%
+We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy...
+Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to
+visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological
+hammer.
+		-- Charles Darwin
+%
+We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
+		-- La Rochefoucauld
+%
+We gotta get out of this place,
+If it's the last thing we ever do.
+		-- The Animals
+%
+We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
+%
+We have art that we do not die of the truth.
+		-- Nietzsche
+%
+We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!
+%
+We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new
+levels of destructiveness upon old ones.  We have done this helplessly,
+almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like
+men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of
+Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper.  And the result
+is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the
+creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of
+redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding.
+		-- George Kennan, May 19, 1981
+%
+We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.
+		-- Carl Sagan
+%
+We have met the enemy, and he is us.
+		-- Walt Kelly
+%
+We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent
+than from the machinations of the wicked.
+%
+We have no scorched earth policy.
+We have a policy of scorched Communists.
+		-- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982
+%
+We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from
+our children.
+%
+We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.
+		-- Margaret Mead
+%
+We have reason to be afraid.  This is a terrible place.
+		-- John Berryman
+%
+We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.
+%
+We have the flu.  I don't know if this particular strain has an official
+name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death Flu".  You
+may have had it yourself.  The main symptom is that you wish you had another
+setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that said "ELECTROCUTION".
+	Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a)
+your teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength.  Midway through the brushing
+process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a couple
+of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways out of your
+mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste stalagmites that
+would bond your head permanently to the bathroom floor, which is how the
+police would find you.
+	You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
+%
+"We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog,
+star of "The Muppet Show." [3]
+
+[3]  Why?  Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we
+were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of
+character.  But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol
+after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an
+acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the
+letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest.  Later, while
+looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed
+that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs
+should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our
+source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky
+instead).  When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for
+publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission
+to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog.  Permission
+was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told.  I resisted the
+temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book."
+		-- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol"
+%
+We is confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
+		-- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
+%
+We know next to nothing about virtually everything.  It is not necessary
+to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know.
+Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition
+to crave knowledge.
+		-- George Will
+%
+We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support
+of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support
+the elephant, a huge tortoise.  If we will candidly confess the truth, we
+know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in
+which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or
+about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as
+his about the support of the earth.  His elephant was a hypothesis, and our
+hypotheses are elephants.  Every theory in philosophy, which is built on
+pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly
+by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose
+feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay.
+		-- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
+%
+We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
+	-- Eric Hoffer
+%
+We love our little Johnny
+He's the best little boy in all the world
+And we wouldn't trade him for anything
+That's how much we love him.
+No, we couldn't live without him
+So that's why, since he died,
+We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer.
+He's so good, so well-behaved,
+Even better than before;
+Oh, such a wonderful kid he is.
+Alice and me, we'll never be lonely,
+Never miss our little Johnny,
+He'll never grow up and leave us
+That's why we love him like we do.
+		-- Mr. Mincemeat
+%
+"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call
+free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens
+show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do
+our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself."
+		-- Cameron Hawley
+%
+We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue
+than malnutrition.
+		-- Alex Comfort
+%
+We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely
+intellectual fields.  But which are the best ones to start with?  Many people
+think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be
+best.  It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with
+the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand
+and speak English.
+		-- Alan M. Turing
+%
+We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern
+their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of
+their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prohpet, nor
+Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say
+nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among
+themselves about their relationship to God.  But all will agree on a
+proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources.  If, in addition,
+we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the
+Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but
+internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof
+of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be
+accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on
+earth.
+		-- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options"
+%
+We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor.  Bankers are not ever
+popular but at least they bank.  Policeman police and undertakers take
+under.  But lawyers do not give us law.  We receive not the gladsome light
+of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays,
+filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour.
+		-- Nolo News, summer 1989
+%
+We may not return the affection of those who like us,
+but we always respect their good judgement.
+%
+...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection
+by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations.
+I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized
+brains -- and I am equally confidant that our brains became large as
+an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting
+functions).  But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often
+uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities
+of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection.
+		-- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
+%
+We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn
+of a beautiful new world.  We will see it when we believe it.
+		-- Saul Alinsky
+%
+We must die because we have known them.
+		-- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.
+%
+We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess.  We must
+condemn once and for all the formula 'chess for the sake of chess,' like
+the formula 'art for art's sake.'  We must organize shock-brigades of
+chess-play ers, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan
+for chess.
+		-- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice
+		   (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress
+		   of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's
+		   "Stalin," published London, 1939
+%
+...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not
+we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up
+in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of
+the past.
+		-- Joseph Wood Krutch
+%
+We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of
+the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front
+is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.
+		-- Walter Lippmann
+%
+We must remember the First Amendment which
+protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking.
+		-- F.G. Withington
+%
+We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to
+the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his
+children smart.
+		-- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
+%
+We only acknowledge small faults in order
+to make it appear that we are free from great ones.
+		-- LaRouchefoucauld
+%
+We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the
+originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has
+forgotten its source.
+		-- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
+%
+We prefer to speak evil of ourselves
+rather than not speak of ourselves at all.
+%
+We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
+%
+We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,
+content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.
+		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+We read to say that we have read.
+%
+We really don't have any enemies.
+It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
+%
+We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
+		-- Thucydides
+%
+We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.
+		-- Jean de la Bruyere
+%
+We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
+in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
+stove-lid.  She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
+is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+We should be glad we're living in the time that we are.  If any of us had been
+born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken
+out and shot.
+		-- Strange de Jim
+%
+We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were
+taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things
+themselves.
+		-- John Locke
+%
+We should have a Vollyballocracy.  We elect a six-pack of presidents.
+Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.
+		-- Dennis Miller
+%
+We should keep the Panama Canal.  After all, we stole it fair and square.
+		-- S.I. Hayakawa
+%
+We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they 
+remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
+the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
+the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
+states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals.
+These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who
+want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that
+they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and
+who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country.
+		-- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner
+%
+We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.
+We've done so much, for so long, with so little,
+that we are now qualified to do something with nothing.
+%
+We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities,
+ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote
+preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves
+and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States
+of America.
+%
+We thrive on euphemism.  We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
+size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative".  In
+fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie".  And now, here
+are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
+
+EUPHEMISM			REALITY
+-------------------		-------------------------
+Excited about life's journey	No concept of reality
+Spiritually evolved		Oversensitive
+Moody				Manic-depressive
+Soulful				Quiet manic-depressive
+Poet				Boring manic-depressive
+Sultry/Sensual			Easy
+Uninhibited			Lacking basic social skills
+Unaffected and earthy		Slob and lacking basic social skills
+Irreverent			Nasty and lacking basic social skills
+Very human			Quasimodo's best friend
+Swarthy				Sweaty even when cold or standing still
+Spontaneous/Eclectic		Scatterbrained
+Flexible			Desperate
+Aging child			Self-centered adult
+Youthful			Over 40 and trying to deny it
+Good sense of humor		Watches a lot of television
+%
+We thrive on euphemism.  We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
+size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative".  In
+fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie".  And now, here
+are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
+
+EUPHEMISM			REALITY
+-------------------		-------------------------
+Independent thinker		Crazy
+High spirited			Crazy and hyperactive
+Free spirited			Crazy and irresponsible
+Outrageous			Crazy and obnoxious
+Exotic				Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple
+Cuddly				Overweight
+Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque	Fat (there's a lot to love)
+Big and beautiful		Really Fat
+Fat 'n' sassy			Really Fat and loud
+Svelte/Slender			Anorexic
+Dynamic				Pushy
+Assertive			Pushy with a mean streak
+Feisty/Ambitious		Would kill own mother for next corporate rung
+Demanding			Will make your life a living hell
+Looking for Mr./Ms. Right	Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich
+%
+We totally deny the allegations, and
+we're trying to identify the allegators.
+%
+We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem.
+There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your
+borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.
+		-- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard
+%
+[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things.
+		-- R.W. Hamming
+%
+We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here
+depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick.
+		-- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra"
+%
+We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh.  Josh
+[Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run
+behind.  Well, he hit one.  The Grays waited around and waited around,
+but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down.  So we win.  The
+next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come
+a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder.
+The empire made the only possible call.  "You're out, boy!" he says
+to Josh.  "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh."
+		-- Satchel Paige
+%
+We were happily married for eight months.  Unfortunately, we
+were married for four and a half years.
+		-- Nick Faldo
+%
+We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.
+%
+We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog.
+If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.
+		-- Crazy Jimmy
+%
+We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.  But there was
+also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
+French restaurant. [...]
+	I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
+white BMW and her Jordache smile.  There had been a fight.  I had punched her
+boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls.  Everyone told him, "You ride the
+bull, senor.  You do not fight it."  But he was lean and tough like a bad
+rib-eye and he fought the bull.  And then he fought me.  And when we finished
+there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
+	"Stop the car," the girl said.
+	There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes.  She knew about the
+woman of the tollway.  I knew not how.  I started to speak, but she raised an
+arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
+	"I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
+belle's for thee."
+	The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
+Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
+onto my granola and faced a new day.
+		-- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
+		   Competition
+%
+We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal
+tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous
+extinction.
+		-- S.J. Gould
+%
+We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve
+one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
+%
+we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
+we will cry over things we used to laugh &
+our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle
+creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
+in the end a summer with wild winds &
+new friends will be.
+%
+We wish you a Hare Krishna
+We wish you a Hare Krishna
+We wish you a Hare Krishna
+And a Sun Myung Moon!
+		-- Maxwell Smart
+%
+WEAPON:
+	An index of the lack of development of a culture.
+%
+Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
+		-- John Heywood
+%
+Wedding, n:
+	A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one
+	undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become
+	supportable.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.
+%
+Weed's Axiom:
+	Never ask two questions in a business letter.
+	The reply will discuss the one in which you are
+	least interested and say nothing about the other.
+%
+Weekend, where are you?
+%
+Weiler's Law:
+	Nothing is impossible to a person who doesn't have to do the work.
+%
+Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get
+rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought.  He did so. "Well, kid, that
+was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer
+question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?"
+
+Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.
+	-- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
+%
+Weinberg's First Law:
+	Progress is only made on alternate Fridays.
+%
+Weinberg's Principle:
+	An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping
+	on to the grand fallacy.
+%
+Weinberg's Second Law:
+	If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
+	then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
+%
+Weiner's Law of Libraries:
+	There are no answers, only cross references.
+%
+Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.
+He'll come in handy if you run out of food.
+		-- Dean McLaughlin.
+%
+Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions?
+
+D    G    G    O
+
+O    Y    A    N
+
+A    D    B    T
+
+K    I    S    P
+Enter words:
+>
+%
+Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong,
+The women are pretty, and the children are above-average.
+		-- Garrison Keillor
+%
+Welcome to the Zoo!
+%
+Welcome to UNIX!  Enjoy your session!  Have a great time!  Note the
+use of exclamation points!  They are a very effective method for
+demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
+sentence!  However, there are drawbacks!  Too much unnecessary exclaiming
+can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
+the reader!  For example, the sentence
+
+	Jane went to the store to buy bread
+
+should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
+sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
+cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
+Jane doesn't exist for some reason!  See how easy it is?!  Proper control
+of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life!  Call now to receive
+my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
+Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling!  Operators are
+standing by!  (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)
+%
+Welcome to Utah.
+If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!
+%
+Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
+that like most books, it had too many words.  The plot was the same one that
+all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
+James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
+women.  There, that's it: 24 words.  But the guy who wrote the book took
+*thousands* of words to say it.
+	Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
+Fyodor Dostoyevsky.  It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
+Or maybe only one of them kills the father.  It's impossible to tell because
+what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.If all Russians talk
+as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
+major world power.
+	I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
+the question of whether there is a God.  So why didn't he just come right
+out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
+	Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
+
+* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
+  nature and will kill you.
+* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday
+night.  Live, on the Death label.
+		-- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise"
+%
+Well begun is half done.
+		-- Aristotle
+%
+We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.
+%
+Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep?
+%
+Well, don't worry about it...  It's nothing.
+		-- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information
+		   Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph
+		   Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be
+		   at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles
+		   per hour, December 7, 1941.
+%
+Well, fancy giving money to the Government!
+Might as well have put it down the drain.
+Fancy giving money to the Government!
+Nobody will see the stuff again.
+Well, they've no idea what money's for --
+Ten to one they'll start another war.
+I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'!
+Fancy giving money to the Government!
+		-- A.P. Herbert
+%
+We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter.
+%
+Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government,
+to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.
+		-- Laurie Anderson
+%
+Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a lot
+of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke.  Hartke is a governor or
+mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the reason you'll be
+reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top contenders for the 1984
+Democratic presidential nomination.  These men will spend the next 18 months
+going around the country engaging in the most degrading activities imaginable,
+such as wearing idiot hats and appearing on "Meet the Press".  "Meet the
+Press" is one of those Sunday morning public interest shows that the public
+is not the least bit interested in.  It features a panel of reporters who
+ask questions of a guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he
+can get through the entire show without answering a single question.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five,
+The headline screamed that I was still alive,
+I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night.
+I dreamed I'd been in a border town,
+In a little cantina that the boys had found,
+I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds.
+When along came a senorita,
+She looked so good that I had to meet her,
+I was ready to approach her with my English charm,
+When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm,
+And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo,
+Grow some funk of your own.
+We no like to with the gringo fight,
+But there might be a death in Mexico tonite.
+...
+Take my advice, take the next flight,
+And grow some funk, grow your funk at home.
+		-- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own"
+%
+Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
+back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
+or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
+they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
+		-- Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
+%
+Well, if you can't believe what you read
+in a comic book, what *can* you believe?
+		-- Bullwinkle J. Moose
+%
+Well, I'm disenchanted too.  We're all disenchanted.
+		-- James Thurber
+%
+Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal
+rights.
+		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
+%
+Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.
+%
+We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.
+%
+WE'LL LOOK INTO IT:
+	By the time the wheels make a full turn, we
+	assume you will have forgotten about it,too.
+%
+Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
+And he didn't leave much for Ma and me,
+Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze.
+Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid,
+But the meanest thing that he ever did,
+Was before he left he went and named me Sue.
+...
+But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
+I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars,
+And kill the man that give me that awful name.
+It was Gatlinburg in mid-July,
+I'd just hit town and my throat was dry,
+Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew,
+At an old saloon on a street of mud,
+Sitting at a table, dealing stud,
+Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue.
+...
+Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad,
+From a wornout picture that my Mother had,
+And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye...
+		-- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
+%
+Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
+And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
+I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
+I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
+
+If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
+Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
+'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
+I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
+
+On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
+But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
+Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
+I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
+		-- Core Dumped Blues
+%
+We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!
+%
+Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling,
+And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling,
+But I take delight in the juice of the barley,
+And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early.
+%
+Well thaaaaaaat's okay.
+%
+Well, the handwriting is on the floor.
+		-- Joe E. Lewis
+%
+We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens,
+we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+Well, we'll really have a party,
+but we've gotta post a guard outside.
+		-- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody"
+%
+"Well, well, well!  Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in
+poison!  How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil?  Come
+and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!"
+		-- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
+%
+Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers,
+And we're loved everywhere we go.
+We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth,
+At ten thousand dollars a show.
+We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills,
+But the thrill we've never known,
+Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
+On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
+
+I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie,
+Who embroiders on my jeans.
+I got my poor old gray-haired daddy,
+Drivin' my limousine.
+Now it's all designed, to blow our minds,
+But our minds won't be really be blown;
+Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
+On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
+
+We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies,
+Who'll do anything we say.
+We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way.
+We got all the friends that money can buy,
+So we never have to be alone.
+And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture,
+On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
+		-- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show
+		[As a note, they eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.]
+%
+"Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some
+higher meaning to all this.  It would certainly reflect well on you."
+%
+Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.
+		-- Buckaroo Banzai
+%
+WELL-ADJUSTED:
+	The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
+%
+We
+own
+this land.
+
+I don't spend
+any time
+on this land.
+
+This
+is a tiny
+little piece
+
+of my
+business
+interests.
+
+It's like
+a grain
+of sand.
+	-- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
+	   recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992.
+	   From SPY Magazine, November 1992
+%
+We're all in this alone.
+		-- Lily Tomlin
+%
+We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which
+people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products.
+Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual
+and emotional feelings.  It might taste good or clever, but in the long run,
+it's not going to do anything for you.
+		-- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984
+%
+We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable
+things we did.  I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend
+and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.
+		-- Waldo D.R. Dobbs
+%
+We're happy little Vegemites,
+	As bright as bright can be.
+We all all enjoy our Vegemite
+	For breakfast, lunch and tea.
+%
+Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the
+formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite
+shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide
+a grin.
+		-- F.M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations"
+%
+We're Knights of the Round Table
+We dance whene'er we're able
+We do routines and chorus scenes	We're knights of the Round Table
+With footwork impeccable		Our shows are formidable
+We dine well here in Camelot		But many times
+We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot.	We're given rhymes
+					That are quite unsingable
+In war we're tough and able,		We're opera mad in Camelot
+Quite indefatigable			We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
+Between our quests
+We sequin vests
+And impersonate Clark Gable
+It's a busy life in Camelot.
+I have to push the pram a lot.
+		-- Monty Python
+%
+We're living in a golden age.  All you need is gold.
+		-- D.W. Robertson.
+%
+We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful --
+but those are only handicaps.  Our pride is that nevertheless, now and
+then, we do our best.  A few times we succeed.  What more dare we ask for?
+		-- Ensign Flandry
+%
+"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is
+weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me
+the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious,
+unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept
+responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous
+desert, in this marvelous time.  I wanted to convince you that you must
+learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a
+short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it."
+		-- Don Juan
+%
+We're only in it for the volume.
+		-- Black Sabbath
+%
+Were there no women, men might live like gods.
+		-- Thomas Dekker
+%
+Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
+%
+Westheimer's Discovery:
+	A couple of months in the laboratory can
+	frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
+%
+Wethern's Law:
+	Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
+%
+We've tried each spinning space mote
+And reckoned its true worth:
+Take us back again to the homes of men
+On the cool, green hills of Earth.
+
+The arching sky is calling
+Spacemen back to their trade.
+All hands!  Standby!  Free falling!
+And the lights below us fade.
+Out ride the sons of Terra,
+Far drives the thundering jet,
+Up leaps the race of Earthmen,
+Out, far, and onward yet--
+
+We pray for one last landing
+On the globe that gave us birth;
+Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies
+And the cool, green hills of Earth.
+		-- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941
+%
+Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?
+%
+What!?  Me worry?
+		-- A.E. Newman
+%
+What a bonanza!  An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script
+by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary
+Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!
+		-- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses"
+%
+What a misfortune to be a woman!  And yet, the worst misfortune is not to
+understand what a misfortune it is.
+	-- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855.
+%
+What a strange game.  The only winning move is not to play.
+		-- WOP, "War Games"
+%
+What, after all, is a halo?  It's only one more thing to keep clean.
+		-- Christopher Fry
+%
+What an artist dies with me!
+		-- Nero
+%
+What an author likes to write most is his signature on the
+back of a cheque.
+		-- Brendan Francis
+%
+What awful irony is this?
+We are as gods, but know it not.
+%
+What causes the mysterious death of everyone?
+%
+What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
+%
+What did ya do with your burder and your cross?
+Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?
+You and I know that a burden and a cross,
+Can only be carried on one man's back.
+		-- Louden Wainwright III
+%
+What did you bring that book I didn't want
+to be read to out of about Down Under up for?
+%
+What did you do when the ship sank?
+I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore.
+%
+What do I consider a reasonable person to be?  I'd say a reasonable person
+is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes
+that into account when dealing with others.  Implicit in this definition is
+the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to
+live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in
+others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others.
+%
+What do you give a man who has everything?  Penicillin.
+		-- Jerry Lester
+%
+What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
+Not enough sand.
+%
+What does education often do?
+It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.
+		-- Henry David Thoreau
+%
+What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
+%
+What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to
+win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent?
+In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded
+that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the
+simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life.  First, a
+base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done.  Second,
+a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human
+activities must exist.  Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses
+the national attention upon the direction to proceed.  Finally, an articulate
+and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with
+words and action the great thing to be accomplished.  The motivation of young
+Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of
+conditions. ...  The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John
+Kennedys appear.  We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they,
+and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward.
+		-- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt
+%
+What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
+		-- Nietzsche
+%
+What ever happened to happily ever after?
+%
+What excuses stand in your way?  How can you eliminate them?
+		-- Roger von Oech
+%
+What foods these morsels be!
+%
+What fools these morals be!
+%
+What fools these mortals be.
+		-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
+%
+What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
+%
+What goes up must come down.  But don't expect it to come down
+where you can find it.  Murphy's Law applied to Newton's.
+%
+What good is a ticket to the good life,
+if you can't find the entrance?
+%
+What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
+		-- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
+%
+What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
+in his footsteps?
+%
+What good is having someone who can walk
+on water if you don't follow in his footsteps?
+%
+What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?
+		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
+%
+What happened last night can happen again.
+%
+What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth?  Judging from realistic simulations
+involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will
+be pretty bad.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+What happens to a dream deferred?
+Does it dry up
+Like a raisin in the sun?
+Or fester like a sore --
+And then run?
+Does it stink like rotten meat?
+Or crust and sugar over --
+Like a syrupy sweet?
+  
+Maybe it just sags
+Like a heavy load.
+  
+Or does it explode?
+		-- Langston Hughes
+%
+What happens when you cut back the jungle?  It recedes.
+%
+What has roots as nobody sees,
+Is taller than trees,
+Up, up it goes,
+And yet never grows?
+%
+What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be
+broken down into subjects and predicates.  This is not because Quality
+is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
+		-- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
+%
+What I tell you three times is true.
+		-- Lewis Carroll
+%
+What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
+%
+What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
+In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
+		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
+Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
+		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+What if there had been room at the inn?
+		-- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity
+%
+What is a magician but a practising theorist?
+		-- Obi-Wan Kenobi
+%
+What is algebra, exactly?  Is it one of those three-cornered things?
+		-- J.M. Barrie
+%
+What is comedy?  Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making
+them puke.
+		-- Steve Martin
+%
+What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.
+		-- Titus Lucretius Carus
+%
+What is good?  Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the
+will to power, power itself.  What is bad?  Everything that is born of
+weakness.  Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue
+but fitness.  The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of
+our love of man.  And they shall even be given every possible assistance.
+What is more harmful than any vice?  Active pity for all the failures and
+all the weak: Christianity.
+		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's
+enemies.  Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking
+out of him.
+		-- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles"
+%
+What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires
+an accomplice.
+		-- Charles Baudelaire
+%
+What is love but a second-hand emotion?
+		-- Tina Turner
+%
+What is mind?  No matter.
+What is matter?  Never mind.
+		-- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
+%
+What is now proved was once only imagin'd.
+		-- William Blake
+%
+What is research but a blind date with knowledge?
+		-- Will Harvey
+%
+What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank?
+		-- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
+%
+What is status?
+	Status is when the President calls you for your opinion.
+
+Uh, no...
+	Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a
+	problem with him.
+
+Uh, that still ain't right...
+	STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President,
+	and the phone rings.  The President picks it up, listens for a
+	minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you."
+%
+What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer?
+It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the
+establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
+%
+What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank?
+		-- Bertold Brecht
+%
+What is the sound of one hand clapping?
+%
+What is this line of duty, and suffering?  You are not supposed to suffer
+if you are an assassin.  The other person is supposed to suffer.
+		-- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth
+		   from outside Sinanju named Remo.
+%
+What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity.  We are all formed
+of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that
+is the first law of nature.
+		-- Voltaire
+%
+What is truth?  We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed
+to be the truth.  A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and
+may, therefore, be justified.  The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is
+simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one,
+big thumping lie that will then be believed.
+		-- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of
+		British civilian morale, 1939
+%
+What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
+which is the exact opposite.
+		-- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical Essays", 1928
+%
+What is wanted is not the will-to-believe,
+but the wish to find out, which is exact opposite.
+		-- Bertrand Russell
+%
+What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
+%
+What kind of sordid business are you on now?  I mean, man, whither
+goest thou?  Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
+		-- Jack Kerouac
+%
+What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
+		-- Adolph Hitler
+%
+What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend
+is that there's nothing to compare it with.
+%
+What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us
+is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.
+%
+What makes you think graduate school
+is supposed to be satisfying?
+		-- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
+%
+What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility.
+%
+What no spouse of a writer can ever understand
+is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
+%
+What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!
+A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her.
+		-- Wilde
+%
+What on earth would a man do with himself
+if something did not stand in his way?
+		-- H.G. Wells
+%
+What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.
+		-- John Lilly
+%
+What one fool can do, another can.
+		-- Ancient Simian Proverb
+%
+What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
+%
+What pains others pleasures me,
+At home am I in Lisp or C;
+There i couch in ecstasy,
+'Til debugger's poke i flee,
+Into kernel memory.
+In system space, system space, there shall i fare--
+Inside of a VAX on a silicon square.
+%
+What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.
+		-- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals"
+%
+What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing
+more than man's transparency.
+		-- George Nathan
+%
+What passes for woman's intuition
+is often nothing more than man's transparency.
+%
+What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
+It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
+and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
+and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs:  Yes,
+women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
+mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
+and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort.
+		-- Susan Gordon
+%
+What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few
+of us ever have the courage to face:  and that is the child you once
+were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that
+impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get
+enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit
+till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he
+look peaceful?"  It is those pent-up, craving children who make all
+the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and
+discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond
+their grasp before they were five years old.
+		-- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
+%
+What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
+		-- U.K. LeGuin
+%
+What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
+		-- J.D. Farley
+%
+What segment's this, that, laid to rest
+On FHA0, is sleeping?
+What system file, lay here a while	This, this is "acct.run,"
+While hackers around it were weeping?	Accounting file for everyone.
+					Dump, dump it and type it out,
+					The file, the highseg of login.
+Why lies it here, on public disk
+And why is it now unprotected?
+A bug in incant, made it thus.		Mount, mount all your DECtapes now
+And copy the file somehow, somehow.	The problem has not been corrected.
+					Dump, dump it and type it out,
+					The file, the highseg of login.
+		-- to Greensleeves
+%
+What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
+%
+What soon grows old?  Gratitude.
+		-- Aristotle
+%
+What, still alive at twenty-two,
+A clean upstanding chap like you?
+Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,
+Slit your girl's, and swing for it.
+Like enough, you won't be glad,
+When they come to hang you, lad:
+But bacon's not the only thing
+That's cured by hanging from a string.
+So, when the spilt ink of the night
+Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light,
+Lads whose job is still to do
+Shall whet their knives, and think of you.
+		-- Hugh Kingsmill
+%
+What the deuce is it to me?  You say that we go around the sun.  If we went
+around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work.
+		-- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
+%
+What the hell is it good for?
+		-- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems
+		   Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the
+		   microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968
+%
+What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
+%
+What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.
+		-- Nikita Khruschev
+%
+What they said:
+	What they meant:
+
+"I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
+	(Yes, that about sums it up.)
+"The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you."
+	(And I recommend not giving that school a dime...)
+"I simply can't say enough good things about him."
+	(What a screw-up.)
+"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
+	(I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.)
+"When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go
+a long way with his skills."
+	(We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)
+"You won't find many people like her."
+	(In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)
+"I cannot reccommend him too highly."
+	(However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
+	 felony in my presence.)
+%
+What they said:
+	What they meant:
+
+"If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much
+of him as I do."
+	(Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.)
+"Her input was always critical."
+	(She never had a good word to say.)
+"I have no doubt about his capability to do good work."
+	(And it's nonexistent.)
+"This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which
+already has so many outstanding members."
+	(Unless you already have a moron.)
+"His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable:
+one unbelievable result after another."
+	(And we didn't believe them, either.)
+"She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her."
+	(In fact, to life in general...)
+%
+What they said:
+	What they meant:
+
+"You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
+	(We certainly never succeeded.)
+There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
+	(Well, our rats aren't really employees...)
+"Success will never spoil him."
+	(Well, at least not MUCH more.)
+"One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."
+	(And such a sigh of relief.)
+"His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;
+in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."
+	(And his IQ, as well.)
+"He should go far."
+	(The farther the better.)
+"He will take full advantage of his staff."
+	(He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)
+%
+What they say:				What they mean:
+
+A major technological breakthrough...	Back to the drawing board.
+Developed after years of research	Discovered by pure accident.
+Project behind original schedule due	We're working on something else.
+	to unforseen difficulties
+Designs are within allowable limits	We made it, stretching a point or two.
+Customer satisfaction is believed	So far behind schedule that they'll be
+	assured					grateful for anything at all.
+Close project coordination		We're gonna spread the blame, campers!
+Test results were extremely gratifying	It works, and boy, were we surprised!
+The design will be finalized...		We haven't started yet, but we've got
+						to say something.
+The entire concept has been rejected	The guy who designed it quit.
+We're moving forward with a fresh	We hired three new guys, and they're
+	approach				kicking it around.
+A number of different approaches...	We don't know where we're going, but
+						we're moving.
+Preliminary operational tests are	Blew up when we turned it on.
+	inconclusive
+Modifications are underway		We're starting over.
+%
+What they say:			What they mean:
+
+New				Different colors from previous version.
+All New				Not compatible with previous version.
+Exclusive			Nobody else has documentation.
+Unmatched			Almost as good as the competition.
+Design Simplicity		The company wouldn't give us any money.
+Fool-proof Operation		All parameters are hard-coded.
+Advanced Design			Nobody really understands it.
+Here At Last			Didn't get it done on time.
+Field Tested			We don't have any simulators.
+Years of Development		Finally got one to work.
+Unprecedented Performance	Nothing ever ran this slow before.
+Revolutionary			Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
+Futuristic			Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
+No Maintenance			Impossible to fix.
+Performance Proven		Worked through Beta test.
+Meets Tough Quality Standards	It compiles without errors.
+Satisfaction Guaranteed		We'll send you another pack if it fails.
+Stock Item			We shipped it before and can do it again.
+%
+What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
+%
+What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon.
+%
+What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
+%
+What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
+%
+What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
+%
+What time is it?
+I don't know, it keeps changing.
+%
+What upsets me is not that you lied to me,
+but that from now on I can no longer believe you.
+		-- Nietzsche
+%
+What we Are is God's give to us.
+What we Become is our gift to God.
+%
+What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.
+		-- Wittgenstein
+%
+What we do not understand we do not possess.
+		-- Goethe
+%
+What we need is either less corruption,
+or more chance to participate in it.
+%
+What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
+		-- John Lubbock
+%
+What we wish, that we readily believe.
+		-- Demosthenes
+%
+What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?
+%
+What you don't know won't help you much either.
+		-- D. Bennett
+%
+What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond
+your control.  But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or
+your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control.  If you feel
+powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do
+with as you will.
+		-- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen"
+%
+What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for
+something to occur to you.
+		-- Robert Frost
+ 
+	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+	 referring to AST's.]
+%
+Whatever became of eternal truth?
+%
+Whatever became of Strange de Jim?  Well, he found a substitute for
+cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your
+nostrils as far as they will go.  Then you sniff talcum powder while
+shredding hundred dollar bills."
+		-- Herb Caen
+%
+Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will
+never succeed.
+		-- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California
+%
+Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified
+performance.
+		-- Helen Lawrenson
+%
+Whatever happened to the good old days
+when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
+%
+Whatever is not nailed down is mine.
+Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.
+		-- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon
+%
+Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
+		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
+%
+Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.
+		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
+as good.  Luckily this is not difficult.
+		-- Charlotte Whitton
+%
+Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that
+you do it.
+		-- Ghandi
+%
+Whatever you do will be insignificant,
+but it is very important that you do it.
+		-- Gandhi
+%
+Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like
+other people.
+		-- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows"
+%
+Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
+%
+What's a cult?  It just means not enough people to make a minority.
+		-- Robert Altman
+%
+What's all this bru-ha-ha?
+%
+What's another word for "thesaurus"?
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+What's done to children, they will do to society.
+%
+What's page one, a preemptive strike?
+		-- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College
+%
+What's so funny?
+%
+What's the matter with the world?  Why, there ain't but one thing wrong
+with every one of us - and that's "selfishness."
+	-- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+What's the ugliest part of your body?
+What's the ugliest part of your body?
+Some say your nose,
+Some say your toes,
+But I think it's your mind.
+		-- Frank Zappa, 1965
+%
+What's this stuff about people being "released on their
+own recognizance"?  Aren't we all out on own recognizance?
+%
+When a Banker jumps out of a window, 
+jump after him -- that's where the money is. 
+		-- Robespierre
+%
+When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!
+%
+When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
+%
+When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but
+the principle of the thing," it's the money.
+		-- Kim Hubbard
+%
+When a girl can read the handwriting on
+the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room.
+%
+When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
+inattentions of one.
+		-- Helen Rowland
+%
+When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions
+of many men for the inattentions of one.
+		Helen Rowland
+%
+When a lion meets another with a louder roar,
+the first lion thinks the last a bore.
+		-- G.B. Shaw
+%
+When a lot of remedies are suggested for
+a disease, that means it can't be cured.
+		-- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"
+%
+When a man assumes a public trust, he
+should consider himself as public property.
+		-- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.
+		-- Samuel Johnson
+%
+When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight,
+it concentrates his mind wonderfully.
+		-- Samuel Johnson
+%
+When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute.
+But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute-- and it's longer than any
+hour.  That's relativity.
+		-- Albert Einstein
+%
+When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
+keep her.
+		-- Sacha Guitry
+%
+When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years
+ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind
+with changing conditions.  When a man you don't like does it, he is a
+liar who has broken his promises.
+		-- Franklin Adams
+%
+When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.
+%
+When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not
+far away.  It is time to go elsewhere.  The best thing about space travel
+is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
+		-- R.A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
+%
+When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see
+the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes.  The dog has certain
+relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
+		-- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
+%
+When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:
+first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it.
+		-- Donnay
+%
+When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.
+When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife.
+		-- Wilde
+%
+When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm
+yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him.
+
+Step number 3 is of particular importance.  If you leave the guy alive
+out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit
+by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you
+to support him for the rest of his rotten life.  In court he will plead
+that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was
+looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the
+poor.  In that lawsuit, you will lose.  If, on the other hand, you kill
+him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful
+death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your
+story; forget Mother Teresa.  Second, even if you lose, how much could
+the bum's life be worth anyway?  A Lot less than 50 years worth of
+paralysis.  Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein.  Finish the job.
+	-- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security
+%
+When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people
+interrupted service for one minute in his honor.  They've been
+honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe.
+		-- The Grab Bag
+%
+When all else fails, EAT!!!
+%
+When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance
+the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter
+knob.
+		-- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
+%
+When all else fails, read the instructions.
+%
+When all else fails, try Kate Smith.
+%
+When all other means of communication fail, try words.
+%
+When among apes, one must play the ape.
+%
+When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
+		-- Ed "Spike" O'Donnell
+%
+When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
+		-- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate.
+%
+When asked the definition of "pi":
+The Mathematician:
+	Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
+	circumference of a circle and its diameter.
+The Physicist:
+	Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005.
+The Engineer:
+	Pi is about 3.
+%
+When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense.
+%
+When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.
+		-- Brian Aldiss
+%
+When choosing between two evils, I always
+like to take the one I've never tried before.
+		-- Mae West, "Klondike Annie"
+%
+When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite
+easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
+handle this?"
+%
+When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by
+reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
+%
+When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect!
+%
+When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this
+was bound to happen in a democratic system.  However, we National Socialists
+never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have
+declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and
+that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any
+consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition.
+		-- Josef Goebbels
+%
+When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?"
+%
+When does later become never?
+%
+When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?
+Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday.
+%
+When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
+		-- Gen. C. Abrams
+%
+When forecasting, give them a number
+or give them a date, but never both.
+%
+When God endowed human beings with brains,
+He did not intend to guarantee them.
+%
+When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman.  As to
+why he then stopped there are two opinions.  One of them is woman's.
+		-- DeGourmont
+%
+When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and
+inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats
+blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes
+screaming.  Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he
+stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing
+himself to destruction.
+		-- George Plimpton
+%
+When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced
+to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
+		-- Brendan Behan
+%
+When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred,
+He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!"
+		-- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird"
+%
+when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
+in my sleep.
+like my grandfather.
+
+not screaming,
+like the passengers in his car...
+%
+When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons.  A 
+loud general cheer went up.  After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a
+barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another
+drink!"  The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks.
+	As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back
+onto the stool.  "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto
+the bar, "*everybody* pays!"
+%
+When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket
+and a willingness to compromise.
+		-- Weber cartoon caption
+%
+When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great
+parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me
+if i'm leaving.
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
+then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+When I grow up, I want to be an honest
+lawyer so things like that can't happen.
+		-- Richard Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal
+%
+When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women.  I
+shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do
+what you like now."
+		-- Tolstoy
+%
+When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity
+for him.  All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.
+		-- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
+%
+When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil.
+%
+When I said "we", officer, I was referring to
+myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
+%
+When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said
+to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
+		-- Franklyn Ajaye
+%
+When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever.
+I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never
+to be seen again.
+		-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
+%
+When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
+it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
+		-- Al Capone
+%
+When I think about myself,
+I almost laugh myself to death,
+My life has been one great big joke,	Sixty years in these folks' world
+A dance that's walked			The child I works for calls me girl
+A song that's spoke,			I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake.
+I laugh so hard I almost choke		Too proud to bend
+When I think about myself.		Too poor to break,
+					I laugh until my stomach ache,
+					When I think about myself.
+My folks can make me split my side,
+I laughed so hard I nearly died,
+The tales they tell, sound just like lying,
+They grow the fruit, 
+But eat the rind,
+I laugh until I start to crying,
+When I think about my folks.
+		-- Maya Angelou
+%
+When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.
+By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement.
+%
+When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President.
+Now I'm beginning to believe it.  
+		-- Clarence Darrow
+%
+When I was a child...  We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...
+I was an only child...  eventually.
+		-- Stephen Wright
+%
+When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman.  After school we'd
+all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
+It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
+	-- Jack Handey
+%
+When I was a kid, we had a quick-sand box in the backyard.
+I was an only child... eventually.
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal
+woman.  Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.
+		-- Robert Schuman
+%
+When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if
+I had any firearms with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.
+
+I tell ya I was an ugly kid.  I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's
+picture that came with the wallet he bought.
+		-- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't
+say in front of girls.  Now you can say them.  But you can't say "girls".
+%
+When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam:
+I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.
+		-- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act
+of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school.  A group of
+seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old.  "It is
+always so," my mother said.  "You do things together which not one of you
+would think of doing alone."  ...  Wherever one looks in the world of human
+organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards.
+The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems
+to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
+together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
+		-- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
+%
+When I was young we didn't have MTV; we
+had to take drugs and go to concerts.
+		-- Steven Pearl
+%
+When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
+or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot
+remember any but the things that never happened.  It is sad to go to
+pieces like this but we all have to do it.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had
+slept well.  I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+When I works, I works hard.
+When I sits, I sits easy.
+And when I thinks, I goes to sleep.
+%
+When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again.  The fans with the cigars and
+the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in
+the street and foreign presidents.  It's goin' to be back to the fighter who
+comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says
+he's in shape.  Old hat.  I was the onliest boxer in history people asked
+questions like a senator.
+		-- Muhammad Ali
+%
+When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
+		-- Mae West
+%
+When in charge ponder,
+When in doubt mumble,
+When in trouble delegate.
+%
+When in doubt, do it.  It's much easier
+to apologize than to get permission.
+		-- Grace Murray Hopper
+%
+When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
+%
+When in doubt, follow your heart.
+%
+When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.
+		-- Raymond Chandler
+%
+When in doubt, lead trump.
+%
+When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
+		-- James H. Boren
+%
+When in doubt, tell the truth.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+When in doubt, use brute force.
+		-- Ken Thompson
+%
+When in Rome, live in the Roman way.
+		-- St. Ambrose
+%
+When in this world the headlines read
+Of those whose hearts are filled with greed
+Who rob and steal from those who need
+The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
+Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
+Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
+Fighting all who rob or plunder
+Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah)
+Underdog
+UNDERDOG!
+%
+When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
+%
+When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame --
+half his wife's fault, and half her mother's.
+%
+When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
+%
+When it is not necessary to make a decision,
+it is necessary not to make a decision.
+%
+When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
+		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson,
+%
+When license fees are too high,
+users do things by hand.
+When the management is too intrusive,
+users lose their spirit.
+
+Hack for the user's benefit.
+Trust them; leave them alone.
+%
+When love is gone, there's always justice.
+And when justice is gone, there's always force.
+And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
+Hi, Mom!
+		-- Laurie Anderson
+%
+When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it
+will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it.
+%
+When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.  When
+accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about to
+be cut.  When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to roll
+in.
+
+Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
+
+When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored.  When accountants
+make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored.  When
+senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon be
+solved.
+
+Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
+%
+When Marriage is Outlawed,
+Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
+%
+When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
+		-- Calvin Coolidge
+%
+When my brain begins to reel from my
+literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.
+		-- Ignatius Reilly
+%
+When my fist clenches crack it open,
+Before I use it and lose my cool.
+When I smile tell me some bad news,
+Before I laugh and act like a fool.
+
+And if I swallow anything evil,
+Put you finger down my throat.
+And if I shiver please give me a blanket,
+Keep me warm let me wear your coat
+
+No one knows what it's like to be the bad man,
+	to be the sad man.
+Behind blue eyes.
+No one knows what its like to be hated,
+	to be fated,
+To telling only lies.
+			-- The Who
+%
+When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was,
+at her request, moved to a different room.  She told me she didn't
+think she had ever seen a Jew before.  My only response was to begin
+wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck.  I had not
+become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of
+Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I
+was and what I believed in.  Similarly, after talking to these young
+women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met
+a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the
+most unlikely of situations.
+		-- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation"
+%
+When neither their poverty nor their honor is
+touched, the majority of men live content.
+		-- Niccolo Machiavelli
+%
+When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
+%
+When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
+		-- Dylan Thomas
+%
+When one knows women one pities men,
+but when one studies men, one excuses women.
+		-- Horne Tooke
+%
+When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish.
+		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts,
+she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind
+it less and less."
+		-- Louise Andrews Kent
+%
+When oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.
+The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points
+And Oxygen still had none
+Then Oxygen scored a single goal
+And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1
+Called because of rain.
+%
+When people have trouble communicating,
+the least they can do is to shut up.
+		-- Tom Lehrer
+%
+When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.
+%
+When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?
+%
+When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932,
+newspapers differed in their versions of the event.  This is from "Paris
+was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman.
+
+	Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular
+	papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies
+	favoring "Is it possible?"  What few reported were his dying words:
+	"But what kind of chauffeur was it?"  Having been told by his aides
+	not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the
+	President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how
+	how an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison
+	Rothschild, where his assassination occurred.
+%
+When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for
+every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss
+is away and you get twice as much done.
+		-- Daniel B. Luten
+%
+When smashing monuments, save the pedstals -- they always come in handy.
+		-- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
+%
+When some people decide it's time for everyone to make
+big changes, it means that they want you to change first.
+%
+When some people discover the truth, they just
+can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it.
+%
+When someone makes a move		We'll send them all we've got,
+Of which we don't approve,		John Wayne and Randolph Scott,
+Who is it that always intervenes?	Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
+U.N. and O.A.S.,			To the shores of Tripoli,
+They have their place, I guess,		But not to Mississippoli,
+But first, send the Marines!		What do we do?  We send the Marines!
+
+For might makes right,			Members of the corps
+And till they've seen the light,	All hate the thought of war:
+They've got to be protected,		They'd rather kill them off by
+						peaceful means.
+All their rights respected,		Stop calling it aggression--
+Till somebody we like can be elected.	We hate that expression!
+					We only want the world to know
+					That we support the status quo;
+					They love us everywhere we go,
+					So when in doubt, send the Marines!
+		-- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines"
+%
+When someone says "I want a programming language in
+which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
+%
+When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.
+		-- S. Johnson
+%
+When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
+%
+When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple
+of asterisked sentences:
+
+	It weighs less than 8 pounds.*
+	And costs less than $1,300.**
+
+In tiny type were these "fuller explanations":
+
+      * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out?  Well, all
+	this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power
+	pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks
+	will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you
+	might not be able to figure this out for yourself.
+
+     ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if
+	you really want to.  Or less.
+		-- Forbes
+%
+When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"
+		-- Turkish proverb
+%
+When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
+		-- Chinese proverb
+%
+When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
+about themselves.
+%
+When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never
+talking about themselves.
+%
+When the candles are out all women are fair.
+		-- Plutarch
+%
+When the cup is full, carry it level.
+%
+When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.
+		-- Billy Sunday
+%
+When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little
+muddy paw prints on the hood of my car.
+%
+When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
+		-- Lynch
+%
+When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.
+%
+When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
+%
+When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
+		-- Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+When the government bureau's remedies do not match
+your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
+%
+When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you modify
+the problem, not the remedy.
+%
+When the Guru administers, the users 
+are hardly aware that he exists.
+Next best is a sysop who is loved.
+Next, one who is feared.
+And worst, one who is despised.
+
+If you don't trust the users,
+you make them untrustworthy.
+
+The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks.
+When his work is done,
+the users say, "Amazing:
+we implemented it, all by ourselves!"
+%
+When the leaders speak of peace
+The common folk know
+That war is coming
+When the leaders curse war
+The mobilization order is already written out.
+
+Every day, to earn my daily bread
+I go to the market where lies are bought
+Hopefully
+I take my place among the sellers.
+		-- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood"
+%
+When the lights are out, all women are fair.
+		-- Plutarch
+%
+When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
+the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
+nose bleed, which usually cures them of that.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look
+like a nail.
+%
+When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.
+		-- Richard Nixon
+%
+When the revolution comes, count your change.
+%
+When the saleman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask
+if he could stay the night.  The farmer agreed to put him up.  "I live alone,"
+he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the
+right."
+	"Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in
+the wrong joke."
+%
+When the sun shineth, make hay.
+		-- John Heywood
+%
+When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
+stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
+from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones were
+set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the corners as
+bodies of a lower grade...
+		-- Stanislaw Lem
+%
+When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre,
+he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single
+seat." The man moaned, but did not budge.  "Sir," the user said more loudly,
+"if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager."  The man moaned again but
+stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after
+several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
+	The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo,
+what's your name?"
+	"Samuel," he mumbled.
+	"And where're you from, Sam?"
+	"The balcony."
+%
+When the wind is great, bow before it;
+when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
+%
+When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course
+is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.
+		-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
+%
+When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary.
+		-- Balzac
+%
+When things go well, expect something to
+explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.
+%
+When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane,
+most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear
+that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition
+continuously until death do them part.
+		-- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+When users see one GUI as beautiful,
+other user interfaces become ugly.
+When users see some programs as winners,
+other programs become lossage.
+
+Pointers and NULLs reference each other.
+High level and assembler depend on each other.
+Double and float cast to each other.
+High-endian and low-endian define each other.
+While and until follow each other.
+
+Therefore the Guru 
+programs without doing anything
+and teaches without saying anything.
+Warnings arise and he lets them come;
+processes are swapped and he lets them go.
+He has but doesn't possess,
+acts but doesn't expect.
+When his work is done, he deletes it.
+That is why it lasts forever.
+%
+When we are planning for posterity,
+we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.
+		-- Thomas Paine
+%
+When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find
+anyone.  Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains,
+two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge.  Never in the
+history of war have so few been led by so many.
+		-- General James Gavin
+%
+When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
+%
+When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be
+as before -- except our finger-tips will have been singed.
+%
+When we write programs that "learn",
+it turns out we do and they don't.
+%
+When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
+		-- H.L. Mencken, "Sententiae"
+%
+When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes;
+when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not
+even our virtues.
+		-- Balzac
+%
+When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
+		-- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
+%
+When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation
+of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand, so that you can
+proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the
+goal.
+		-- Amrom Katz
+%
+When you are at Rome live in the Roman style;
+when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.
+		-- St. Ambrose
+%
+When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
+%
+When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
+%
+When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later
+something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend
+your parents' limitations...  At the same time, you feel sure that in all
+the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a
+vital something that can be known -- known and grasped.  That we will
+eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent
+narrative.  So that then one's true life -- the point of everything --
+will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension.
+But it isn't like that at all.  But if it isn't, where did the idea come
+from, to torture and unsettle us?
+		-- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer"
+%
+When you become used to never being alone,
+you may consider yourself Americanized.
+%
+When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
+%
+When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.
+		-- Brooke Shields
+%
+When you dig another out of trouble,
+you've got a place to bury your own.
+%
+When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
+%
+When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
+%
+When you find yourself in danger, when you're threatened by a stranger,
+When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
+There is one thing you should learn,
+When there is no one else to turn to,
+Caaaall for Super Chicken   (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
+Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
+%
+When you find yourself in danger,
+When you're threatened by a stranger,
+When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
+
+There is one thing you should learn,
+When there is no one else to turn to,
+	Caaaall for Super Chicken!!    (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
+	Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
+%
+When you find yourself in danger,
+When you're threatened by a stranger,
+When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
+There is one thing you should learn,
+When there is no one else to turn to,
+Caaaaaall for Super Chicken.
+%
+When you get what you want in your struggle for self
+And the world makes you king for a day,
+Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
+And see what that man has to say.
+	For it isn't your father or mother or wife
+	Whose judgement upon you must pass;
+	The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
+	Is the one staring back from the glass.
+Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum
+And call you a wonderful guy,
+But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
+If you can't look him straight in the eye.
+	He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
+	For he's with you clear up to the end,
+	And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
+	If the man in the glass is your friend.
+You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life
+And get pats on the back as you pass,
+But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
+If you've cheated the man in the glass.
+%
+When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
+people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
+		-- Norm Crosby
+%
+When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
+%
+When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever
+remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
+		-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
+%
+When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
+clarified your attitude toward him.  You have given a definite
+answer to a definite problem.  For better or worse you have
+acted decisively.  In a way, the next move is up to him.
+		-- R.A. Lafferty
+%
+When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
+		-- W. Churchill, on formal declarations of war
+%
+When you jump for joy, beware that no-one
+moves the ground from beneath your feet.
+		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
+%
+When you live in a sick society,
+just about everything you do is wrong.
+%
+When you make your mark in the world,
+watch out for guys with erasers.
+		-- The Wall Street Journal
+%
+When you meet a master swordsman,
+show him your sword.
+When you meet a man who is not a poet,
+do not show him your poem.
+		-- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master
+%
+When you overesteem great hackers,
+more users become cretins.
+When you develop encryption,
+more users become crackers.
+
+The Guru leads
+by emptying user's minds
+and increasing their quotas,
+by weakening their ambition
+and toughening their resolve.
+When users lack knowledge and desire,
+management will not try to interfere.
+
+Practice not-looping,
+and everything will fall into place.
+%
+When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that
+you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
+		-- Otto Von Bismarck
+%
+When you speak to others for their own good it's advice;
+when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.
+%
+When you try to make an impression, the
+chances are that is the impression you will make.
+%
+When you were born, a big chance was taken for you.
+%
+When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
+When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
+%
+When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
+They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.
+		-- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy"
+%
+When your memory goes, forget it!
+%
+When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
+		-- Henry J. Kaiser
+%
+When you're a Yup
+You're a Yup all the way
+From your first slice of Brie
+To your last Cabernet.
+
+When you're a Yup
+You're not just a dreamer
+You're making things happen
+You're driving a Beamer.
+%
+When you're away, I'm restless, lonely
+Wretched, bored, dejected, only
+Here's the rub, my darling dear,
+I feel the same when you are hear.
+		-- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing"
+%
+When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
+		-- David Pryce-Jones
+%
+When you're dining out and you suspect
+something's wrong, you're probably right.
+%
+When you're down and out, lift up your
+voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"!
+%
+When you're in command, command.
+		-- Admiral Nimitz
+%
+When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when
+you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened
+of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time.
+		-- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow"
+%
+When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
+%
+When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?
+%
+WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick
+your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil.
+		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
+%
+Whenever a system becomes completely defined,
+some damn fool discovers something which either
+abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
+%
+WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to
+laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years.  Struggle
+to become a parrot or something.
+		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really".
+		-- Dave Parnas
+%
+Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children
+to spend their weekends with?
+		-- Rita Rudner
+%
+Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
+%
+Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel
+a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
+		-- A. Lincoln
+%
+Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
+is to laugh.  But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
+Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
+	-- Jack Handey
+%
+Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,
+	We people on the pavement looked at him:
+He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
+	Clean-favored, and imperially slim.
+And he was always quietly arrayed,
+	And he was always human when he talked;
+But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
+	"Good morning," and he glittered when he walked.
+And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king --
+	And admirably schooled in every grace:
+In fine, we thought that he was everything
+	To make us wish that we were in his place.
+So on we worked, and waited for the light,
+	And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
+And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
+	Went home and put a bullet through his head.
+		-- E.A. Robinson, "Richard Cory"
+%
+Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,
+you can be pretty sure that they're not using it.
+%
+Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that
+is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges
+on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Whenever you find that you are on the
+side of the majority, it is time to reform.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equpped with 18,000 vaccuum tubes and
+weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum tubes
+and perhaps weight 1 1/2 tons.
+		-- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
+%
+Where am I?  Who am I?  Am I?  I
+%
+Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
+%
+WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
+	Oh, dear, where can the matter be
+	When it's converted to energy?
+	There is a slight loss of parity.
+	Johnny's so long at the fair.
+%
+Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?
+		-- Karl Kraus
+%
+Where do you go to get anorexia?
+		-- Shelley Winters
+%
+Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
+is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
+		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
+%
+Where is John Carson now that we need him?
+		-- RLG
+%
+Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to
+examine the laws of heat.
+		-- Christopher Morley
+%
+Where, oh, where, are you tonight?
+Why did you leave me here all alone?
+I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love.
+You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone.
+
+Gloom, despair and agony on me.
+Deep dark depression, excessive misery.
+If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
+Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me.
+		-- Hee Haw
+%
+Where, oh where, are you tonight?
+Why did you leave me here all alone?
+I searched the world over,
+And I thought I'd found true love,
+You met another and [Bronx cheer] you were gone!
+		-- Hee Haw
+%
+Where the hell is Wall Drug?
+%
+Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
+%
+Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance
+in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
+%
+Where there is much light there is also much shadow.
+		-- Goethe
+%
+Where there's a whip there's a way.
+%
+Where there's a will, there's a relative.
+%
+Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
+%
+Where will it all end?
+Probably somewhere near where it all began.
+%
+Where you stand depends on where you sit.
+		-- Rufus Miles, HEW
+%
+Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.
+		-- Wittgenstein
+%
+Where's the man could ease a heart
+Like a satin gown?
+		-- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"
+%
+...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to
+spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.
+		-- Richard Shelton
+%
+Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest,
+Do not cease your single-handed struggle.
+Go on, do not rest.
+		-- An old Gujarati hymn
+%
+Whether you can hear it or not,
+The Universe is laughing behind your back.
+%
+Which would you rather have, a bursting
+planet or an earthquake here and there?
+		-- John Joseph Lynch
+%
+While anyone can admit to themselves they were
+wrong, the true test is admission to someone else.
+%
+While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
+The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
+While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
+And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
+Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
+The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
+		-- Robert Burns,
+		Address on "The Rights of Woman", November 26, 1792
+%
+While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
+The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
+While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
+And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
+Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
+The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
+		-- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 1792
+%
+While having never invented a sin,
+I'm trying to perfect several.
+%
+While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint
+Eastwood agreed to a television interview.  His host, somewhat hostile,
+began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless,
+lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to
+define a Clint Eastwood picture.  "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what
+a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in."
+		-- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes"
+%
+While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
+As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
+		-- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven"
+
+	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+	 referring to hardware interrupts.]
+ 
+And now I see with eye serene
+The very pulse of the machine.
+		-- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight"
+
+	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+	 referring to software interrupts.]
+%
+While money can't buy happiness, it certainly
+lets you choose your own form of misery.
+%
+While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
+%
+While most peoples' opinions change,
+the conviction of their correctness never does.
+%
+While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who
+held a gun to his head.
+	"Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?"
+	The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot,
+as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple.
+	"Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted.
+	Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed
+his head.  "Go ahead and shoot."
+%
+While there's life, there's hope.
+		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
+%
+While walking down a crowded
+City street the other day,
+I heard a little urchin
+To a comrade turn and say,
+"Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse,
+I'd be happy as a clam
+If only I was de feller dat
+Me mudder t'inks I am.
+
+"She t'inks I am a wonder,		My friends, be yours a life of toil
+An' she knows her little lad		Or undiluted joy,
+Could never mix wit' nuttin'		You can learn a wholesome lesson
+Dat was ugly, mean or bad.		From that small, untutored boy.
+Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink	Don't aim to be an earthly saint
+How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz!		With eyes fixed on a star:
+If a feller was de feller		Just try to be the fellow that
+Dat his mudder t'inks he is."		Your mother thinks you are.
+		-- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow"
+%
+While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.
+		-- Dean Rusk
+%
+While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's
+still very reassuring to know that it's still there.
+%
+While you recently had your problems on the run,
+they've regrouped and are making another attack.
+%
+While your friend holds you affectionately by both
+your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his.
+%
+Whip it, whip it good!
+%
+Whistler's Law:
+	You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
+%
+Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
+%
+White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
+%
+White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
+so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall.  That way, by the
+time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair.
+%
+Whitehead's Law:
+	The obvious answer is always overlooked.
+%
+White's Statement:
+	Don't lose heart!
+
+Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
+	...they might want to cut it out...
+
+Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:
+	...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
+%
+Who are you?
+%
+Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?
+		-- Nathan Pusey
+%
+Who cares if it doesn't do anything?  It was made with
+our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process...
+%
+Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?
+		-- Hattie McDaniel
+%
+Who does not love wine, women, and song,
+Remains a fool his whole life long.
+		-- Johann Heinrich Voss
+%
+Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
+		-- Lao Tsu
+%
+Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
+		-- Thomas Tusser
+%
+Who is D.B. Cooper, and where is he now?
+%
+Who is John Galt?
+%
+Who is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
+%
+Who loves me will also love my dog.
+		-- John Donne
+%
+Who loves not wisely but too well
+Will look on Helen's face in hell,
+But he whose love is thin and wise
+Will view John Knox in Paradise.
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+Who made the world I cannot tell;
+'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
+My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
+I never soiled with such a deed.
+		-- A.E. Housman
+%
+Who needs companionship when you
+can sit alone in your room and drink?
+%
+Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!?
+No, no, you SINGE 'em!  You SINGE 'em and eat 'em!
+%
+Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
+		-- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927
+%
+Who to himself is law no law doth need,
+offends no law, and is a king indeed.
+		-- George Chapman
+%
+Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE?
+%
+Who was that masked man?
+%
+Who will take care of the world after you're gone?
+%
+"WHOA!!  Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!!
+It must be the NEGATIVE IONS!!"
+		-- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
+%
+Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
+become a monster.  And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks
+into you.
+		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
+become a monster.  And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also
+looks into you.
+		-- Nietzsche
+%
+Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the
+pure in heart can make a good soup.
+		-- Ludwig Van Beethoven
+%
+Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.
+%
+Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
+%
+Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.
+		-- Bernard Levin
+%
+Who's on first?
+%
+Who's scruffy-looking?
+		-- Han Solo
+%
+Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.  
+Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery.
+%
+Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?
+		-- Paul Simon
+%
+Why are programmers non-productive?
+Because their time is wasted in meetings.
+
+Why are programmers rebellious?
+Because the management interferes too much.
+
+Why are the programmers resigning one by one?
+Because they are burnt out.
+
+Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.
+		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Why are you so hard to ignore?
+%
+Why are you watching
+The washing machine?
+I love entertainment
+So long as it's clean.
+
+Professor Doberman:
+	While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded 
+pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified 
+improvement.  Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic
+experience.  As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one 
+must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in 
+fact distract from the unity of the whole.  In the final analysis, one 
+receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have 
+been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its
+meaning.  It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be 
+suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive 
+implications.
+%
+Why attack God?  He may be as miserable as we are.
+		-- Erik Satie
+%
+Why be a man when you can be a success?
+		-- Bertolt Brecht
+%
+Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible?
+%
+Why be difficult, when, with just a little effort, you can be impossible?
+%
+Why be difficult, when, with just a
+little more effort, you can be impossible?
+%
+Why bother building anymore nuclear
+warheads until we use the ones we have?
+%
+Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of
+movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with?
+%
+Why did the Roman Empire collapse?
+What's the Latin for office automation?
+%
+Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another
+meaning?  "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with."  "If it
+doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a
+corner."
+%
+Why do seagulls live near the sea?
+'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls.
+%
+Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?
+It's quite uncanny.
+%
+Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?
+%
+Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them?
+%
+Why do we want intelligent terminals
+when there are so many stupid users?
+%
+Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
+		-- Carl Sandburg
+%
+Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?
+%
+Why does man kill?  He kills for food.
+And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
+		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
+		-- Jimmy Durante
+%
+Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition?
+We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether
+we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a
+pet coon.  This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to
+pay the fiddler.
+	-- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?
+		-- Alan Shepherd, the first man into space, Gemini program
+%
+Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she
+kissed her cow.
+		-- Rabelais
+%
+Why I Can't Go Out With You:
+
+I'd LOVE to, but...
+	-- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
+	-- None of my socks match.
+	-- I'm having all my plants neutered.
+	-- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
+	-- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
+	-- I'm touring China with a wok band.
+	-- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
+	-- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
+		named Basil Metabolism.
+	-- There are important world issues that need worrying about.
+	-- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
+	-- I prefer to remain an enigma.
+	-- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever.
+	-- I feel a song coming on.
+%
+Why I Can't Go Out With You:
+
+I'd LOVE to, but...
+	-- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
+	-- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
+	-- I'm trying to be less popular.
+	-- My bathroom tiles need grouting.
+	-- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
+	-- My subconscious says no.
+	-- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I
+		can't seem to put it down.
+	-- My favorite commercial is on TV.
+	-- I have to study for my blood test.
+	-- I've been traded to Cincinnati.
+	-- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
+	-- I have to go to court for kitty littering.
+%
+Why I Can't Go Out With You:
+
+I'd LOVE to, but...
+	-- I have to floss my cat.
+	-- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
+	-- I need to spend more time with my blender.
+	-- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
+	-- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio.
+	-- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
+	-- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
+	-- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise.
+	-- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
+	-- I have some really hard words to look up.
+%
+Why I Can't Go Out With You:
+
+I'd LOVE to, but...
+	-- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
+	-- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
+	-- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
+	-- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
+	-- I have to fulfill my potential.
+	-- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
+	-- It's too close to the turn of the century.
+	-- I have to bleach my hare.
+	-- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob.
+	-- I left my body in my other clothes.
+%
+Why I Can't Go Out With You:
+
+I'd LOVE to, but...
+	-- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
+	-- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
+	-- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
+	-- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
+	-- It's my parakeet's bowling night.
+	-- I'm building a plant from a kit.
+	-- There's a disturbance in the Force.
+	-- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
+	-- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
+	-- My crayons all melted together.
+%
+Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?
+%
+Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
+%
+Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?
+It is because we are not the person involved.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?
+		-- Stephen Wright
+%
+Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
+		-- Lily Tomlin
+%
+Why isn't there some cheap and easy
+way to prove how much she means to me?
+%
+Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they
+are another's.
+		 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681
+%
+Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I
+not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange!  I don't know why I shouldn't --
+Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not
+do it? -- Why not? -- Strange!  I shall do the same for you, when you want
+me to.  Why not?  Why should I not do it for you?  Strange!  Why not? --
+I can't think why not.
+		-- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria,
+		   "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
+%
+Why not go out on a limb?
+Isn't that where the fruit is?
+%
+Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a
+fresh one for a quarter of the price?
+%
+Why was I born with such contemporaries?
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is
+wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that
+unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant?  Is it
+not a spectacle to make the angels laugh?  We are a company of ignorant
+beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be
+incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling
+into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily
+needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate
+origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that
+we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infintesimal
+parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all
+eternity for his faithlessness.
+		-- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology",
+		   Fortnightly Review, 1876
+%
+Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight?  Is it something I said?
+		-- Tom Ryan
+%
+Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
+%
+Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail? 
+		-- The Tasmanian Devil
+%
+Wiker's Law:
+	Government expands to absorb all
+	available revenue and then some.
+%
+Wilcox's Law:
+	A pat on the back is only a few
+	centimeters from a kick in the pants.
+%
+Will Rogers never met you.
+%
+Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
+That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
+%
+Will your long-winded speeches never end?
+What ails you that you keep on arguing?
+		-- Job 16:3
+%
+William Safire's Rules for Writers:
+	Remember to never split an infinitive.  The passive voice
+should never be used.  Do not put statements in the negative form.
+Verbs have to agree with their subjects.  Proofread carefully to see if
+you words out.  If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a
+great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.  A
+writer must not shift your point of view.  And don't start a sentence
+with a conjunction.  (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word
+to end a sentence with.)  Don't overuse exclamation marks!!  Place
+pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10
+or more words, to their antecedents.  Writing carefully, dangling
+participles must be avoided.  If any word is improper at the end of a
+sentence, a linking verb is.  Take the bull by the hand and avoid
+mixing metaphors.  Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.  Everyone
+should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in
+their writing.  Always pick on the correct idiom.  The adverb always
+follows the verb.  Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague;
+seek viable alternatives.
+%
+Williams and Holland's Law:
+	If enough data is collected,
+	anything may be proven by statistical methods.
+%
+Willie in the cauldron fell;		Willie saw some dynamite,
+See the grief on mother's brow;		Couldn't understand it quite;
+Mother loved her darling well --	Curiosity never pays:
+Willie's quite hard-boiled by now.	It rained Willie seven days.
+
+Little Willie with a shout,		William in a nice new sash,
+Gouged the baby's eyeballs out;		Fell in the fire and burned to an ash.
+Stamped on them to make them pop.	Now, although the room grows chilly,
+Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!"	I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
+
+William with a thirst for gore,		Little Willie mean as hell,
+Nailed the baby to the door.		Threw his sister in the well!
+Mother said, with humor quaint:		Said his mother when drawing water,
+"Careful, Will, don't mar the paint."	'sure is hard to raise a daughter.'
+		-- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899
+%
+Wilner's Observation:
+	All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
+%
+Winning isn't everything.  It's the only thing.
+		-- Vince Lombardi
+%
+Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
+%
+Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
+If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
+head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
+		-- Stephen Wright
+%
+Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
+		-- Robert Byrne
+%
+Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house
+as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
+%
+[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying
+hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast.
+		-- Proverbs 3:18, NSV
+%
+Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
+		-- J. Winter Smith
+%
+Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
+%
+Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
+		-- Frank Tyger
+%
+WIT:
+	The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
+	by leaving it out.
+%
+With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
+%
+With all the fancy scientists in the world,
+why can't they just once build a nuclear balm.
+%
+With all the talent around, it's sort of
+amazing that a woman could be up here with us.
+		-- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner
+%
+With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
+%
+With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
+they make a law it's a joke.
+		-- W. Rogers
+%
+With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
+miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules,
+and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there
+is no such thing as progress.
+		-- Ransom K. Ferm
+%
+With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind
+she lies.  And when she lies, she does not believe herself.
+		-- Tolstoy
+%
+With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.
+%
+With reasonable men I will reason;
+with humane men I will plead;
+but to tyrants I will give no quarter.
+		-- William Lloyd Garrison
+%
+With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team
+celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus
+party.  Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and
+eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
+parties.
+	"Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
+strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said.  "What's
+your G.P.A.?"
+	Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in
+the city and forty on the highway."
+%
+With the end of the football season, a star player on the college team was
+celebrating the relaxation of his curfew by attending a late-night campus
+party.  Soon after arriving, he was captivated by a beautiful coed and
+eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
+parties.
+	"Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
+strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said.  "What's
+you G.P.A.?"
+	Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get at least
+twenty-five in the city and forty on the highway!"
+%
+With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of
+it.  I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too
+close.  Like catching snakes.
+		-- Marlon Brando
+%
+Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
+%
+Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential
+community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might
+keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet
+Union.  I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how
+we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb.
+I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke
+them again -- and this time we'd use it.
+		-- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the
+		White House's National Security Council, Washington
+		Post, 21 March, 1982
+%
+Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.
+		-- Alfred North Whitehead
+%
+Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the
+way he did.  In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an
+indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less
+important to him than his table or his white robe.
+		-- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
+%
+Without fools there would be no wisdom.
+%
+Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
+%
+Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
+%
+Without love intelligence is dangerous;
+without intelligence love is not enough.
+		-- Ashley Montagu
+%
+With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
+		-- Pink Floyd
+%
+Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,
+Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer
+The future's uncertain and the end is always near.
+		-- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues"
+%
+Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw.  Hundred billion
+bottles washed up on the shore.  Seems I never noted being alone.
+Hundred billion castaways looking for a call.
+%
+WOLF:
+	A man who knows all the ankles.
+%
+WOMAN:
+	An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
+	having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
+		-- Bierce
+%
+Woman:      "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"
+Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."
+%
+Woman are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't
+want to own one.
+		-- W.C. Fields
+%
+Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
+		-- Dumas
+%
+Woman is generally so bad that the difference
+between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.
+		-- Tolstoy
+%
+Woman on Street:	Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
+Winston Churchill:	Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
+			I shall be sober in the morning.
+%
+Woman was God's second mistake.
+		-- Nietzsche
+%
+Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor
+out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be
+equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart
+that he might love her.
+		-- Henry
+%
+Woman would be more charming if one could
+fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
+		-- DeGourmont
+%
+Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool.
+		-- Cervantes
+%
+Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed,
+they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with.
+		-- Warren Beatty
+%
+Women are all alike.  When they're maids they're mild as milk:
+once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their
+marriage certificates, and defy you.
+		-- Jerrold
+%
+Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it
+from charity, or revenge?
+		-- Gustave Vapereau
+%
+Women are just like men, only different.
+%
+Women are like elephants to me: I like to
+look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
+		-- W.C. Fields
+%
+Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have.
+		-- Herold
+%
+Women are nothing but machines for producing children.
+		-- Napoleon
+%
+Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
+		-- Stephens
+%
+Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
+		-- Pogo
+%
+Women can keep a secret just as well as men,
+but it takes more of them to do it.
+%
+Women complain about sex more than men.  Their gripes fall into two
+categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much.
+		-- Ann Landers
+%
+Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge
+as good as any other.
+		-- Philippe De Remi
+%
+Women give themselves to God when the
+Devil wants nothing more to do with them.
+		-- Arnould
+%
+Women give to men the very gold of their lives.  Possibly;
+but they invariably want it back in such very small change.
+		-- Wilde
+%
+Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little
+crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying.
+		-- Ansey
+%
+Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners.
+In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the
+original earth clinging to the roots.
+		-- Bierce
+%
+Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong
+than men who reason with the head.
+		-- DeLescure
+%
+Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity,
+but never a man who misses one.
+		-- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord
+%
+Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods.  They worship
+us and are always bothering us to do something for them.
+		-- Wilde
+%
+Women want their men to be cops.  They want you to punish them and tell
+them what the limits are.  The only thing that women hate worse from a man
+than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
+		-- Mort Sahl
+%
+Women waste men's lives and think they have
+indemnified them by a few gracious words.
+		-- Balzac
+%
+Women, when they are not in love, have all
+the cold blood of an experienced attorney.
+		-- Balzac
+%
+Women, when they have made a sheep of a man,
+always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron.
+		-- Balzac
+%
+Women who desire to be like men, lack ambition.
+%
+Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination.
+%
+Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore;
+not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or
+graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.
+		-- Amiel
+%
+Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
+%
+Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
+		-- Cornelia Otis Skinner
+%
+Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher, 
+and philosophy begins in wonder.
+		Socrates, quoting Plato
+%
+Wonderful day.
+Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.
+%
+Woodward's Law:
+	A theory is better than its explanation.
+%
+Woody:  What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm:   The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
+        Let's just cut to the happy ending.
+		-- Cheers, Airport V
+
+Woody:  Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
+Norm:   I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
+		-- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back
+
+Sam:  Beer, Norm?
+Norm: Have I gotten that predictable?  Good.
+		-- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens
+%
+Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
+Norm:  Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
+		-- Cheers, Feeble Attraction
+
+Sam:  What are you up to Norm?
+Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
+		-- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh
+
+Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
+Norm:  You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.'
+		-- Cheers, Loverboyd
+%
+Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
+Norm:  See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
+		-- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
+
+Sam:   Well, look at you.  You look like the cat that
+       swallowed the canary.
+Norm:  And I need a beer to wash him down.
+		-- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
+
+Woody:  Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm:   No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
+		-- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2
+%
+Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
+Norm:  The warranty on my liver.
+		-- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do
+
+Sam:  What can I do for you, Norm?
+Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
+		-- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd
+
+Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm:  Another layer for the winter, Wood.
+		-- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife
+%
+Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm:  Poor.
+Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
+Norm:  No, I meant `pour'.
+		-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3
+
+Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
+Norm:  Boy meets beer.  Boy drinks beer.  Boy gets another beer.
+		-- Cheers, The Proposal
+
+Paul:  Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
+Norm:  Like a baby treats a diaper.
+		-- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
+%
+Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm:  Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson.  A beer, Woody.
+		-- Cheers, Paint Your Office
+
+Sam:  How's life treating you?
+Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
+		-- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss
+
+Woody:  Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm:   A little early, isn't it Woody?
+Woody:  For a beer?
+Norm:   No, for stupid questions.
+		-- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie
+%
+Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm:  The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
+		-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1
+
+Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm:  My cheeks on this barstool.
+		-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
+
+Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
+Norm:  Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
+       Eh, make that one-thirty.
+		-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
+%
+Woolsey-Swanson Rule:
+	People would rather live with a problem they cannot
+	solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.
+%
+Words are the voice of the heart.
+%
+Words can never express what words can never express.
+%
+Words have a longer life than deeds.
+		-- Pindar
+%
+Words must be weighed, not counted.
+%
+WORK:
+	The blessed respite from screaming kids and
+	soap operas for which you actually get paid.
+%
+Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
+Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Work continues in this area.
+		-- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton
+%
+Work expands to fill the time available.
+		-- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955
+%
+Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near
+the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people
+to do so.
+		-- Bertrand Russell
+%
+Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.
+		-- Schulz
+%
+Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
+		-- Mike Romanoff
+%
+Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with
+a handshake, and have fun.
+		-- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy,
+		   shortly before dying at the age of 86.
+%
+Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.
+%
+Work without a vision is slavery,
+Vision without work is a pipe dream,
+But vision with work is the hope of the world.
+%
+Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with
+a valentine.
+		-- Christopher Plummer
+%
+World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century
+since H.G. Wells uttered his glum warning:  "There is no more evil
+thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all.  I write deliberately
+-- it is the worst single thing in life now.  It justifies and holds
+together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of
+error in the world."
+		-- Sydney Harris
+%
+Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair--
+It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
+%
+Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
+	August.  The lift lines are the shortest, though.
+		-- Steve Rubenstein
+%
+Worst Month of the Year:
+	February.  February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
+	you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you
+	don't get.  Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
+		-- Steve Rubenstein
+%
+Worst Vegetable of the Year:
+	Brussel sprout.  This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
+		-- Steve Rubenstein
+%
+Worth seeing?
+Yes, but not worth going to see.
+%
+Worthless.
+		-- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS
+		   (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the
+		   Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the
+		   "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September
+		   15, 1842.
+%
+WOTD:
+
+       `
+
+%
+Would it help if I got out and pushed?
+		-- Princess Leia Organa
+%
+Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.
+		-- Alfieri
+%
+Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
+%
+Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
+		-- John Heywood
+%
+Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?
+%
+Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?
+%
+Would you like to be tried in court by people
+who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty?
+%
+Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
+%
+Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine
+stuff....
+		-- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg trial
+		testimony, 1947
+%
+Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
+		-- George Carlin
+%
+"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
+"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
+		-- Lewis Carrol
+%
+Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were
+a turn-on?
+		-- "Broadcast News"
+%
+Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
+		-- Anonymous
+%
+Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
+%
+WRITE-PROTECT TAB:
+	A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly
+	left by disk manufacturers.  The use of the tab creates an error
+	message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs
+	the momentary inconvenience.
+		-- Robb Russon
+%
+write-protect tab, n:
+	A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left
+	by disk manufacturers.  The use of the tab creates an error message
+	once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary
+	inconvenience.
+		-- Robb Russon
+%
+Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear
+witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity.  Their conviction results
+from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences.
+Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief
+and new schisms among believers.  In the 16th century the printed book helped
+make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants.  In the 20th
+century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce.
+Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM
+PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded.  Each cult
+holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other.  Each thinks that it
+is itself the one hope for salvation.
+		-- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
+%
+Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
+%
+Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of
+paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.
+		-- Gene Fowler
+%
+Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
+		-- J.P. Donleavy
+%
+Writing software is more fun than working.
+%
+WRONG!
+%
+WYSIWYG:
+	What You See Is What You Get.
+%
+X windows:
+	Accept any substitute.
+	If it's broke, don't fix it.
+	If it ain't broke, fix it.
+	Form follows malfunction.
+	The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
+	The trailing edge of software technology.
+	Armageddon never looked so good.
+	Japan's secret weapon.
+	You'll envy the dead.
+	Making the world safe for competing window systems.
+	Let it get in YOUR way.
+	The problem for your problem.
+	If it starts working, we'll fix it.  Pronto.
+	It could be worse, but it'll take time.
+	Simplicity made complex.
+	The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
+	Flakey and built to stay that way.
+
+One thousand monkeys.  One thousand MicroVAXes.  One thousand years.
+	X windows.
+%
+X windows:
+	It's not how slow you make it.  It's how you make it slow.
+	The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1.
+	Built to take on the world... and lose!
+	Don't try it 'til you've knocked it.
+	Power tools for Power Fools.
+	Putting new limits on productivity.
+	The closer you look, the cruftier we look.
+	Design by counterexample.
+	A new level of software disintegration.
+	No hardware is safe.
+	Do your time.
+	Rationalization, not realization.
+	Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest.
+	Gratuitous incompatibility.
+	Your mother.
+	THE user interference management system.
+	You can't argue with failure.
+	You haven't died 'til you've used it.
+
+The environment of today... tomorrow!
+	X windows.
+%
+X windows:
+	Something you can be ashamed of.
+	30%% more entropy than the leading window system.
+	The first fully modular software disaster.
+	Rome was destroyed in a day.
+	Warn your friends about it.
+	Climbing to new depths.  Sinking to new heights.
+	An accident that couldn't wait to happen.
+	Don't wait for the movie.
+	Never use it after a big meal.
+	Need we say less?
+	Plumbing the depths of human incompetence.
+	It'll make your day.
+	Don't get frustrated without it.
+	Power tools for power losers.
+	A software disaster of Biblical proportions.
+	Never had it.  Never will.
+	The software with no visible means of support.
+	More than just a generation behind.
+
+Hindenburg.  Titanic.  Edsel.
+	X windows.
+%
+X windows:
+	The ultimate bottleneck.
+	Flawed beyond belief.
+	The only thing you have to fear.
+	Somewhere between chaos and insanity.
+	On autopilot to oblivion.
+	The joke that kills.
+	A disgrace you can be proud of.
+	A mistake carried out to perfection.
+	Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set.
+	To err is X windows.
+	Ignorance is our most important resource.
+	Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems.
+	Built to fall apart.
+	Nullifying centuries of progress.
+	Falling to new depths of inefficiency.
+	The last thing you need.
+	The defacto substandard.
+
+Elevating brain damage to an art form.
+	X windows.
+%
+X windows:
+	We will dump no core before its time.
+	One good crash deserves another.
+	A bad idea whose time has come.  And gone.
+	We make excuses.
+	It didn't even look good on paper.
+	You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later!
+	A new concept in abuser interfaces.
+	How can something get so bad, so quickly?
+	It could happen to you.
+	The art of incompetence.
+	You have nothing to lose but your lunch.
+	When uselessness just isn't enough.
+	More than a mere hindrance.  It's a whole new barrier!
+	When you can't afford to be right.
+	And you thought we couldn't make it worse.
+
+If it works, it isn't X windows. 
+%
+X windows:
+	You'd better sit down.
+	Don't laugh.  It could be YOUR thesis project.
+	Why do it right when you can do it wrong?
+	Live the nightmare.
+	Our bugs run faster.
+	When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight.
+	There ARE no rules.
+	You'll wish we were kidding.
+	Everything you never wanted in a window system.  And more.
+	Dissatisfaction guaranteed.
+	There's got to be a better way.
+	The next best thing to keypunching.
+	Leave the thrashing to us.
+	We wrote the book on core dumps.
+	Even your dog won't like it.
+	More than enough rope.
+	Garbage at your fingertips.
+
+Incompatibility.  Shoddiness.  Uselessness.
+	X windows.
+%
+Xerox does it again and again and again and...
+%
+Xerox never comes up with anything original.
+%
+XEROX never does anything original.
+%
+XI:
+	If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would
+	get twice as much done.  If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty
+	times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all
+	the managers would fly off.
+XII:
+	It costs a lot to build bad products.
+XIII:
+	There are many highly successful businesses in the United States.
+	There are also many highly paid executives.  The policy is not to
+	intermingle the two.
+XIV:
+	After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes.  There will
+	be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent
+	of every airplane's weight.
+XV:
+	The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost
+	and two-thirds of the problems.
+		-- Norman Augustine
+%
+XLI:
+	The more one produces, the less one gets.
+XLII:
+	Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing.
+XLIII:
+	Hardware works best when it matters the least.
+XLIV:
+	Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly
+	direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the
+	additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.
+XLV:
+	One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
+	unexpected should have been expected.
+XLVI:
+	A billion saved is a billion earned.
+		-- Norman Augustine
+%
+XLVII:
+	Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water.  The other
+	third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
+XLVIII:
+	The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the
+	less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
+	Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less
+	until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.
+XLIX:
+	Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
+L:
+	The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
+	chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times
+	as long as the official's who created it.
+LI:
+	By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more
+	government workers than there are workers.
+LII:
+	People working in the private sector should try to save money.
+	There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
+		-- Norman Augustine
+%
+X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing
+they leave to the imagination is the plot.
+%
+XVI:
+	In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one
+	aircraft.  This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and
+	Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be
+	made available to the Marines for the extra day.
+XVII:
+	Software is like entropy.  It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing,
+	and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases.
+XVIII:
+	It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability.  It is not uncommon
+	to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
+	ten degradation accomplished.
+XIX:
+	Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will
+	be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
+XX:
+	In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding
+	approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the
+	administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.
+		-- Norman Augustine
+%
+XXI:
+	It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
+XXII:
+	If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock,
+	not selling advice.
+XXIII:
+	Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
+	currently estimated.
+XXIV:
+	The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
+	established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most
+	costly action known to man.
+XXV:
+	A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete
+	or a new canvas to an artist.
+		-- Norman Augustine
+%
+XXVI:
+	If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each
+	other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
+XXVII:
+	Rank does not intimidate hardware.  Neither does the lack of rank.
+XXVIII:
+	It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
+XXIX:
+	Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their
+	jobs only about five years.  Those who produce effective results
+	hang on about half a decade.
+XXX:
+	By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers,
+	the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.
+		-- Norman Augustine
+%
+XXXI:
+	The optimum committee has no members.
+XXXII:
+	Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of
+	turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold.
+XXXIII:
+	Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
+XXXIV:
+	The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work
+	is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed
+	randomly.
+XXXV:
+	The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion,
+	the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give
+	the data authenticity.
+		-- Norman Augustine
+%
+XXXVI:
+	The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar
+	contract is about one millimeter per million dollars.  If all the
+	proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other
+	at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
+XXXVII:
+	Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect.
+	The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much.
+XXXVIII:
+	The early bird gets the worm.
+	The early worm ... gets eaten.
+XXXIX:
+	Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of
+	the year -- in either direction.
+XL:
+	Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.
+		-- Norman Augustine
+%
+Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice!
+%
+Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
+goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
+their endless search for "one more feature".  Their irritating
+unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
+doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
+		-- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
+%
+Ya'll hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some
+rays and became a tangent ?
+%
+Yawd [noun, Bostonese]:  the campus of Have Id.
+		-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
+%
+Yea from the table of my memory
+I'll wipe away all trivial fond records.
+		-- Hamlet
+%
+Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death.
+%
+Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like
+a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it.
+%
+Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet.  I've got eight slugs in me.  One's lead,
+the rest bourbon.  The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver.  I'm
+a private eye.
+		-- Calvin
+%
+Yeah, there are more important things in life than money,
+but they won't go out with you if you don't have any.
+%
+YEAR:
+	A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
+%
+Year  Name				James Bond	Book
+----  --------------------------------	--------------	----
+50's  James Bond TV Series		Barry Nelson
+1962  Dr. No				Sean Connery	1958
+1963  From Russia With Love		Sean Connery	1957
+1964  Goldfinger			Sean Connery	1959
+1965  Thunderball			Sean Connery	1961
+1967* Casino Royale			David Niven	1954
+1967  You Only Live Twice		Sean Connery	1964
+1969  On Her Majesty's Secret Service	George Lazenby	1963
+1971  Diamonds Are Forever		Sean Connery	1956
+1973  Live And Let Die			Roger Moore	1955
+1974  The Man With The Golden Gun	Roger Moore	1965
+1977  The Spy Who Loved Me		Roger Moore	1962 (novelette)
+1979  Moonraker				Roger Moore	1955
+1981  For Your Eyes Only		Roger Moore	1960 (novelette)
+1983  Octopussy				Roger Moore	1965
+1983* Never Say Never Again		Sean Connery
+1985  A View To A Kill			Roger Moore	1960 (novelette)
+1987  The Living Daylights		Timothy Dalton	1965 (novelette)
+	* -- Not a Broccoli production.
+%
+Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
+%
+Yes, but which self do you want to be?
+%
+Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those
+L-shaped ones.  Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
+		-- Rita Rudner
+%
+Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me.
+And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.
+Just different ways to kill the pain the same.
+But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
+Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy.
+I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane.
+		-- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock)
+%
+Yes, that was Richard Nixon.  He used to be President.  When he left
+the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware.
+		-- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
+%
+Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in
+that order.
+		-- Jeffrey Honig
+%
+Yesterday I was a dog.  Today I'm a dog.
+Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog.
+Sigh!  There's so little hope for advancement.
+		-- Snoopy
+%
+Yesterday upon the stair
+I met a man who wasn't there.
+He wasn't there again today --
+I think he's from the CIA.
+%
+Yesterday upon the stair
+I met a man who wasn't there.
+He wasn't there again today.
+I think he's from the CIA.
+%
+Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most
+astonishin' things to preserve their respectability.  Thank God
+I'm not respectable.
+		-- Ruthven Campbell Todd
+%
+Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty
+feet.
+		-- John Cheever
+%
+Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
+%
+YINKEL:
+	A person who combs his hair over his bald spot,
+	hoping no one will notice.
+		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
+%
+You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty
+spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.
+%
+You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
+%
+You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
+%
+You are a taxi driver.  Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in
+use for only seven years.  One of its windshield wipers is broken, and
+the carburetor needs adjusting.  The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the
+moment is only three-quarters full.  How old is the taxi driver?"
+%
+You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.
+		-- Philip Whalen
+%
+You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.
+		-- Sherlock Holmes
+%
+You are always busy.
+%
+You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
+%
+You are an insult to my intelligence!
+I demand that you log off immediately.
+%
+You are as I am with You.
+%
+You are capable of planning your future.
+%
+You are confused; but this is your normal state.
+%
+You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
+%
+You are destined to become the commandant of the
+fighting men of the department of transportation.
+%
+You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
+%
+You are fairminded, just and loving.
+%
+You are false data.
+%
+You are farsighted, a good planner,
+an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
+%
+You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
+%
+You are going to have a new love affair.
+%
+You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
+%
+You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
+%
+You are in the hall of the mountain king.
+%
+You are lost in the Swamps of Despair.
+%
+You are loved by the multitudes.
+Have you been to the clinic lately?
+%
+You are magnetic in your bearing.
+%
+You are never given a wish without also being given the
+power to make it true.  You may have to work for it, however.
+		-- R. Bach, "Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for
+		the Advanced Soul"
+%
+You are not a fool just because you have done
+something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you.
+%
+You are not dead yet.
+But watch for further reports.
+%
+You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing
+forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute.  You are
+avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+You are now in Atlanta, Georgia.
+Please set your clocks back 200 years.
+%
+You are number 6!  Who is number one?
+%
+"You are old, father William," the young man said,
+	"And your hair has become very white;
+And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
+	Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
+
+"In my youth," father William replied to his son,
+	"I feared it might injure the brain;
+But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
+	Why, I do it again and again."
+
+"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
+	And have grown most uncommonly fat;
+Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
+	Pray what is the reason of that?"
+
+"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
+	"I kept all my limbs very supple
+By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
+	Allow me to sell you a couple?"
+%
+"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
+	For anything tougher than suet;
+Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
+	Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
+
+"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
+	And argued each case with my wife;
+And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
+	Has lasted the rest of my life."
+
+"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
+	That your eye was as steady as ever;
+Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
+	What made you so awfully clever?"
+
+"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
+	Said his father.  "Don't give yourself airs!
+Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
+	Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
+%
+You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
+%
+You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
+Therefore you have few friends.
+%
+You are sick, twisted and perverted.
+I like that in a person.
+%
+You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
+%
+"You are *so* lovely."
+"Yes."
+"Yes!  And you take a compliment, too!  I like that in a goddess."
+%
+You are standing on my toes.
+%
+You are taking yourself far too seriously.
+%
+You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who
+points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!"  You immediately get
+attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra
+chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a
+gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a
+rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy
+trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a
+vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyranosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
+long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is
+dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your
+head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves
+are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to
+transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton.  Oh dear, you seem
+to have gotten yourself killed, as well.
+
+You scored 0 out of 250 possible points.
+That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer.
+To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points.
+%
+You are wise, witty, and wonderful,
+but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.
+%
+You ask what a nice girl will do?
+She won't give an inch, but she won't say no.
+		-- Marcus Valerius Martialis
+%
+You attempt things that you do not even plan
+because of your extreme stupidity.
+%
+You auto buy now.
+%
+"You boys lookin' for trouble?"
+"Sure.  Whaddya got?"
+	 -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
+%
+You buttered your bread, now lie in it!
+%
+You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard.  A justice of the
+peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill.  In the
+municipal courts, he will cost you ten.  In the circuit or superior
+courts, he wants fifteen.  The state appellate courts or the state
+supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts.  By the time a judge
+reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat
+between the ears.  He's heavy.  You can't buy a Federal judge for less
+than a twenty-dollar bill.
+		-- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik
+%
+You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
+		-- Tim Leary
+%
+You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
+%
+You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier.
+They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.
+%
+You can be replaced by this computer.
+%
+You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.
+		-- Katharine Fullerton Gerould
+%
+You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
+doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
+		-- Hepler, CS, University of Washington
+%
+You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
+doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
+		-- Hepler, Systems Design 182
+%
+You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane.  And you
+know what happens?  At the very moment they cross those mountains...
+they go mad.  Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment
+they cross the mountains into California, they go insane.
+		-- Quentin Genter
+%
+You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
+		-- Boris Yeltsin
+%
+You can cage a swallow, can't you,
+	but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
+Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,
+	finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
+A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!
+		-- The Palindromist
+%
+You can create your own opportunities this week.
+Blackmail a senior executive.
+%
+You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.
+		-- Janis Joplin
+%
+You can do this in a number of ways.  IBM chose to do all of them.
+Why do you find that funny?
+		-- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350
+%
+You can do this in a number of ways.  IBM chose to do all of them.
+Why do you find that funny?
+		-- D. Taylor, CS, University of Washington
+%
+You can do very well in speculation where
+land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.
+%
+You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
+%
+You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right
+and the budget is big enough.
+		-- Joseph E. Levine
+%
+You can fool some of the people all of the time and all
+of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom.
+%
+You can fool some of the people all of the time,
+and all of the people some of the time,
+but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
+%
+You can fool some of the people some of the time,
+and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient.
+%
+You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
+%
+You can get everything in life you want,
+if you will help enough other people get what they want.
+%
+You can get much further with a kind word and a
+gun than you can with a kind word alone.
+		-- Al Capone
+		[Also attributed to Johnny Carson.  Ed.]
+%
+You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
+%
+You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
+%
+You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend,
+You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end.
+
+(chorus)	Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day,
+		Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way.
+
+You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park,
+You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark.
+(chorus)
+
+You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt,
+You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't.
+(chorus)
+%
+You can have a dog as a friend.  You can have whiskey as a friend.  But
+if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing
+your dog.
+		-- foolin' around
+%
+You can have peace.  Or you can have freedom.
+Don't ever count on having both at once.
+		-- Lazarus Long
+%
+You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy.
+		-- Joe Valachi
+%
+You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
+get him to float on his back, you've got something.
+%
+You can learn many things from children.  How much patience you have,
+for instance.
+		-- Franklin P. Jones
+%
+You can make it illegal, but can't make it unpopular.
+%
+You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
+%
+You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting
+his attitude on the continuing vitality of FORTRAN.
+%
+You can move the world with an idea,
+but you have to think of it first.
+%
+You can never do just one thing.
+		-- Hardin
+%
+You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
+%
+You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
+%
+You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
+		-- Jeannette Rankin
+%
+You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat.
+		-- The First Law Of Thermodynamics
+
+What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth.
+		-- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics
+
+You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing.
+		-- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics
+%
+You can now buy more gates with less
+specifications than at any other time in history.
+		-- Kenneth Parker
+%
+You can observe a lot just by watching.
+		-- Yogi Berra
+%
+You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
+%
+You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
+decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
+over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
+		-- F. Allen
+%
+You can tell how far we have to go,
+when Fortran is the language of supercomputers.
+		-- Steven Feiner
+%
+You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
+		-- Norman Douglas
+%
+You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
+		-- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
+%
+You canna change the laws of physics, Captain;
+I've got to have thirty minutes!
+%
+You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
+%
+You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you.
+But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew.
+		-- Nathalia Crane
+%
+You cannot have a science without measurement.
+		-- R. W. Hamming
+%
+You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
+%
+You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
+%
+You cannot see the wood for the trees.
+		-- John Heywood
+%
+You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
+		-- Indira Gandhi
+%
+You cannot use your friends and have them too.
+%
+You can't break eggs without making an omelet.
+%
+You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
+%
+You can't cheat an honest man, never give
+a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump.
+		-- W.C. Fields
+%
+You can't cheat the phone company.
+%
+You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.
+%
+You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.
+		-- Richard Nixon, 1952
+%
+You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.
+		-- Peter Frampton
+%
+You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.
+		-- H.H. Munro
+%
+"You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time",
+Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978
+she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have
+children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either.
+		-- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage"
+%
+You can't fall off the floor.
+%
+You can't get there from here.
+%
+You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
+%
+You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?
+		-- Steven Wright
+%
+You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.
+		-- Ayn Rand
+%
+You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.
+%
+You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
+%
+You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly --
+only sooner than she thought you would.
+%
+You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle
+is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.
+		-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
+%
+You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.
+%
+You can't play your friends like marks, kid.
+		-- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"
+%
+You can't push on a string.
+%
+You can't run away forever,
+But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.
+		-- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through"
+%
+You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a
+new way.
+		-- Will Rogers
+%
+You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.
+You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.
+		-- Lauren Bacall
+%
+You can't take damsel here now.
+%
+You can't take it with you --
+especially when crossing a state line.
+%
+You can't teach people to be lazy --
+either they have it, or they don't.
+		-- Dagwood Bumstead
+%
+You can't underestimate the power of fear.
+		-- Tricia Nixon Cox
+%
+You climb to reach the summit, but once
+there, discover that all roads lead down.
+		-- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
+%
+You could get a new lease on life -- if only you
+didn't need the first and last month in advance.
+%
+You could live a better life, if you
+had a better mind and a better body.
+%
+You couldn't even prove the White House
+staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
+		-- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
+%
+You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
+%
+You dialed 5483.
+%
+You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
+%
+You do not have mail.
+%
+You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
+%
+You don't have to be nice to people on the way up
+if you're not planning on coming back down.
+		-- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"
+%
+You don't have to explain something you never said.
+		-- Calvin Coolidge
+%
+You don't have to know how the computer
+works, just how to work the computer.
+%
+You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
+		-- J.D. Salinger
+%
+You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
+		-- Guindon
+%
+You don't sew with a fork, so I see no
+reason to eat with knitting needles.
+		-- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
+%
+You enjoy the company of other people.
+%
+You feel a whole lot more like you do
+now than you did when you used to.
+%
+You fill a much-needed gap.
+%
+You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,
+what might you have done for a truffled turkey?
+		-- Brillat-savarin, "Physiologie du Gout"
+%
+You first parents of the human race... who ruined yourself for
+an apple, what might you not have done for a truffled turkey?
+		-- Brillat-Savarin
+%
+You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
+%
+You get what you pay for.
+		-- Gabriel Biel
+%
+You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me 
+from your own life.  May it all turn out to your happiness.
+		-- Goethe
+%
+You go down to the pickup station,
+	craving warmth and beauty;
+You settle for less than fascination --
+	a few drinks later you're not so choosy.
+And the closing lights strip off the shadows
+	on this strange new flesh you've found --
+Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf
+	you hurry to the blackness
+	and the blankets to lay down an impression
+	and your loneliness.
+		-- Joni Mitchell
+%
+You got to be very careful if you don't know
+where you're going, because you might not get there.
+		-- Yogi Berra
+%
+You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues,
+And you know it don't come easy ...
+I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
+And you know it don't come easy ...
+%
+You guys have been practicing discrimination for years.
+Now it's our turn.
+		-- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas
+%
+You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
+%
+You had mail.
+Paul read it, so ask him what it said.
+%
+You had some happiness once,
+but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.
+%
+You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
+%
+You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
+%
+You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).
+%
+You have a message from the operator.
+%
+You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. 
+A pity that it's totally undeserved.
+%
+You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
+%
+You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
+%
+You have a strong desire for a home
+and your family interests come first.
+%
+You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
+%
+You have a truly strong individuality.
+%
+You have a will that can be influenced
+by all with whom you come in contact.
+%
+You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.
+		-- Lois Platford
+%
+You have all the characteristics of a popular politician:
+a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
+		-- Aristophanes
+%
+You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
+%
+You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
+%
+You have an unusual equipment for success.  
+Be sure to use it properly.
+%
+You have an unusual understanding of
+the problems of human relationships.
+%
+You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.
+		-- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
+%
+You have been selected for a secret mission.
+%
+You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
+%
+You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
+%
+You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
+%
+You have mail.
+%
+You have many friends and very few living enemies.
+%
+You have no real enemies.
+%
+You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
+		-- John Viscount Morley
+%
+You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married
+and few words in your sleep to get divorced.
+%
+You have taken yourself too seriously.
+%
+You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.
+You'll learn a lot today.
+%
+You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
+%
+You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.
+If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
+		-- Lewis Carroll
+%
+You humans are all alike.
+%
+You just know when a relationship is about to end.  My girlfriend called me
+at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in  the bathroom.  "It's very
+simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."
+%
+You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!
+		-- Dylan Thomas
+%
+You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?
+		-- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus
+%
+You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.
+		-- Superchicken
+%
+You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if
+you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is,
+and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...
+%
+You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
+		-- Maharbal
+%
+You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower,
+start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.
+		-- Dean Webber
+%
+You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.
+		-- Garfield
+%
+You know my heart keeps tellin' me,
+You're not a kid at thirty-three,
+You play around you lose your wife,
+You play too long, you lose your life.
+Some gotta win, some gotta lose,
+Goodtime Charlie's got the blues.
+%
+You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
+are now extinct.
+		-- M. Somerset Maugham
+%
+You know that feeling you get when you are tipping your chair back and you
+almost go crashing back on the floor but you just catch yourself?  I feel
+like that all the time.
+		-- Stephen Wright
+%
+You know, the difference between this company and
+the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers.
+%
+You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends
+on whether [the press] fear you.  It is just as simple as that.
+		-- Richard Nixon
+%
+You know what I wish?  I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat
+and I had my hands about it.
+		-- Rorschach, "Watchmen"
+%
+You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language
+is revenge.
+		-- Peter Beard
+%
+You know what we can be like:  See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the
+next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see
+him having an extramarital affair.  By the time someone says "I'd like you to
+meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!"
+		-- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos"
+%%
+I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two
+highly trained certified public accountants.
+		-- Elvis Presley
+%
+You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
+		-- E.A. Gilliam
+%
+You know your apartment is small...
+	when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.
+	you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.
+	you have to go outside to change your mind.
+	you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.
+%
+You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your
+daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her
+mother is allowed to take.
+%
+You know you're in a small town when...
+	You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
+	You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
+		merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
+	Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
+	You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail.
+	You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
+	You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
+%
+You know you're in trouble when...
+1)	You wake up face down on the pavement.
+2)	Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
+3)	You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
+		out of the city.
+4)	Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
+5)	You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
+		remember that you don't have a waterbed.
+6)	Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.
+%
+You know you're in trouble when...
+1)	Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
+		follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
+2)	You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party 
+		and there aren't any.
+3)	Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
+4)	The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
+5)	You wake up and your braces are locked together.
+6)	Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
+%
+You know you're in trouble when...
+(1)	Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind 
+		her own business.
+(2)	You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
+(3)	You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
+(4)	You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
+(5)	Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
+(6)	Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to 
+		flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
+(7)	You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
+%
+You know you're in trouble when...
+(1)	You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your 
+		skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
+(2)	Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
+(3)	Your income tax check bounces.
+(4)	You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
+(5)	Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
+(6)	You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
+		after you bought a waterbed.
+(7)	You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
+		clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party 
+		for your spouse.
+%
+You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
+when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
+make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
+chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.
+%
+You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
+%
+You learn to write as if to someone else
+because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE".
+%
+You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
+%
+You lived with a man who wore white belts?
+Laura, I'm disappointed in you.
+		-- Remington Steele
+%
+You look tired.
+%
+You love peace.
+%
+You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
+%
+You may already be a loser.
+		-- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield.
+%
+You may be gone tomorrow, but that
+doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
+%
+You may be infinitely smaller than some things,
+but you're infinitely larger than others.
+%
+You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
+%
+You may be right, I may be crazy,
+But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for?
+		-- Billy Joel
+%
+You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card
+That a young man married is a young man marred.
+		-- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys"
+%
+You may get an opportunity for advancement today.  Watch it!
+%
+You may have heard that a dean is
+to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
+		-- Alfred Kahn
+%
+You may my glories and my state dispose,
+But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
+%
+You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but
+you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost.
+%
+You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
+be sold.
+%
+You mean you didn't *know* she was off
+making lots of little phone companies?
+%
+You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
+obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
+an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
+		-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
+%
+You might have mail.
+%
+You must dine in our cafeteria.
+You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
+%
+You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property
+and services if it is not specifically exempt.  Report property (goods)
+and services at their fair market values.  Examples include income from
+bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent
+paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.),
+cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services,
+gambling, prizes and awards.  Not reporting such income can lead to
+prosecution for perjury and fraud.
+		-- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms
+%
+You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty
+to his own concept of the obligations of manhood.  All other loyalties
+are merely deputies of that one.
+		-- Nero Wolfe
+%
+You must realize that the computer has it in for you.  The irrefutable
+proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
+%
+You need more time; and you probably always will.
+%
+You need no longer worry about the future.
+This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
+%
+You need not worry about your future.
+%
+You never gain something but that you lose something.
+		-- Thoreau
+%
+You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
+%
+You never go anywhere without your soul.
+%
+You never have to change anything you
+got up in the middle of the night to write.
+		-- Saul Bellow
+%
+You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will
+tell you exactly what they want.  They spend months and months researching
+these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show
+advertisements.  Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for,
+even if you disapprove of their choices.  If your child thinks he wants
+Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better
+get it.  You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's
+antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies
+until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the
+right gift.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
+%
+You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
+		-- William Blake
+%
+You never learned anything by doing it right.
+%
+You never realize how many friends you
+have until you rent a house at the beach.
+%
+You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone
+got in line to admit it, too.  But you also notice they all said they
+"experimented" with marijuana.  The didn't "use" it; they "experimented"
+with it.  Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these
+guys were getting stoned!
+		-- Johnny Carson
+%
+You now have Asian Flu.
+%
+You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
+%
+You plan things that you do not even
+attempt because of your extreme caution.
+%
+You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
+%
+You prefer the company of the opposite
+sex, but are well liked by your own.
+%
+You probably wouldn't worry about what people
+think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
+		-- Olin Miller
+%
+You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
+%
+You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
+		-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
+%
+You say potatoe,
+And I say potato.
+You say tomatoe,
+And I say tomato.
+Potatoe, potato,
+Tomatoe, tomato.
+Let's go be the Vice President...
+%
+You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
+%
+You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
+attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.  A fool
+takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
+which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
+alot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
+Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
+brain-attic.  He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
+his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
+order.  It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
+can distend to any extent.  Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
+addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before.  It is of
+the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
+the useful ones.
+		-- Sherlock Holmes
+%
+You see things; and you say "Why?"
+But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
+		-- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah"
+		[No, it wasn't J.F. Kennedy.  Ed.]
+%
+You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.  You pull
+his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.  Do you
+understand this?  And radio operates exactly the same way:  you send
+signals here, they receive them there.  The only difference is that
+there is no cat.
+		-- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
+%
+You seek to shield those you love
+and you like the role of the provider.
+%
+You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
+%
+You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
+		-- Joseph Conrad
+%
+You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
+%
+You should go home.
+%
+You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except
+incest and folk-dancing.
+		-- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth"
+%
+You should never bet against anything in science at
+odds of more than about ten to the twelfth to one.
+		-- E. Rutherford
+%
+You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team,
+because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat!
+		-- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip
+%
+You should never wear your best trousers
+when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty.
+		-- Henrik Ibsen
+%
+You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
+		-- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children"
+%
+You shouldn't wallow in self-pity.  But it's OK to put
+your feet in it and swish them around a little.
+		-- Guindon
+%
+You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
+%
+You teach best what you most need to learn.
+%
+YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING!
+
+Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says:  "Before I took this course I used to be
+a lowly bit twiddler.  Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really
+important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
+
+Mr. Watkins had this to say:  "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
+to was a dead-end job as a engineer.  Now I have a promising future and
+make really big Zorkmids."
+
+MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
+you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
+
+		SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
+%
+You tread upon my patience.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
+%
+You two ought to be more careful--
+your love could drag on for years and years.
+%
+You want to know why I kept getting promoted?
+Because my mouth knows more than my brain.
+	-- W.G.
+%
+You will always find something in the last place you look.
+%
+You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
+%
+You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
+%
+You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
+%
+You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
+%
+You will be advanced socially, 
+without any special effort on your part.
+%
+You will be aided greatly by a person
+whom you thought to be unimportant.
+%
+You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
+%
+You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
+%
+You will be awarded some great honor.
+%
+You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
+%
+You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
+%
+You will be dead within a year.
+%
+You will be divorced within a year.
+%
+You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
+%
+You will be held hostage by a radical group.
+%
+You will be honored for contributing 
+your time and skill to a worthy cause.
+%
+You will be imprisoned for contributing 
+your time and skill to a bank robbery.
+%
+You will be married within a year.
+%
+You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
+%
+You will be misunderstood by everyone.
+%
+You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
+%
+You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
+%
+You will be run over by a beer truck.
+%
+You will be run over by a bus.
+%
+You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
+%
+You will be successful in love.
+%
+You will be surprised by a loud noise.
+%
+You will be surrounded by luxury.
+%
+You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
+%
+You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
+%
+You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
+%
+You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
+%
+You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
+%
+You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
+%
+You will contract a rare disease.
+%
+You will engage in a profitable business activity.
+%
+You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
+%
+You will feel hungry again in another hour.
+%
+You will find me drinking gin
+In the lowest kind of inn,
+Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.
+		-- G.K. Chesterton
+%
+You will forget that you ever knew me.
+%
+You will gain money by a fattening action.
+%
+You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
+%
+You will gain money by an illegal action.
+%
+You will gain money by an immoral action.
+%
+You will get what you deserve.
+%
+You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
+%
+You will have a head crash on your private pack.
+%
+You will have a long and boring life.
+%
+You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
+%
+You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
+%
+You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
+%
+You will have long and healthy life.
+%
+You will have many recoverable tape errors.
+%
+You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
+%
+You will inherit millions of dollars.
+%
+You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
+%
+You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
+%
+You will live to see your grandchildren.
+%
+You will lose an important disk file.
+%
+You will lose an important tape file.
+%
+You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
+%
+You will never amount to much.
+		-- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10
+%
+You will never know hunger.
+%
+You will not be elected to public office this year.
+%
+You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
+%
+You will outgrow your usefulness.
+%
+You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
+%
+You will pass away very quickly.
+%
+You will pay for your sins.
+If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
+%
+You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
+%
+You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
+%
+You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
+%
+You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
+%
+You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
+%
+You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family
+was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into
+the butter upon a hot day.
+		-- Sherlock Holmes
+%
+You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty
+family was first brought to my notice by the |depth which the parsley
+had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
+		-- Sherlock Holmes
+%
+You will soon forget this.
+%
+You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
+%
+You will step on the night soil of many countries.
+%
+You will stop at nothing to reach your objective,
+but only because your brakes are defective.
+%
+You will triumph over your enemy.
+%
+You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
+%
+You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
+%
+You will wish you hadn't.
+%
+You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
+		-- Frank Hubbard
+%
+You work very hard.  Don't try to think as well.
+%
+You worry too much about your job.
+Stop it.  You are not paid enough to worry.
+%
+"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said.  "Anything that seems
+of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note.
+Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care.
+Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important,
+give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less
+momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method.  You will strengthen
+yourself in this way."
+		-- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman"
+%
+You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
+%
+You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't
+be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.
+		-- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell
+%
+You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.
+		-- Smile, "Was (Not Was)"
+%
+You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
+%
+You'll always be,
+What you always were,
+Which has nothing to do with,
+All to do, with her.
+		-- Company
+%
+You'll be called to a post requiring
+ability in handling groups of people.
+%
+You'll be sorry...
+%
+You'll feel devilish tonight.
+Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.
+%
+You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
+%
+You'll never be the man your mother was!
+%
+You'll never see all the places, or read all the
+books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.
+%
+You'll wish that you had done some of the
+hard things when they were easier to do.
+%
+Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for
+counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business.  For the
+experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth
+them; but in new things, abuseth them.  The errors of young men are the ruin
+of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might
+have been done, or sooner.  Young men, in the conduct and management of
+actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly
+to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few
+principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate,
+which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will
+not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop
+nor turn.  Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little,
+repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but
+content themselves with a mediocrity of success.  Certainly, it is good to
+compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct
+the defects of both.
+		-- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age"
+%
+Young men, hear an old man to whom
+old men hearkened when he was young.
+		-- Augustus Caesar
+%
+Young men think old men are fools;
+but old men know young men are fools.
+		-- George Chapman
+%
+Your aim is high and to the right.
+%
+Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
+%
+Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.
+Don't believe a thing he tells you.
+%
+Your best consolation is the hope that the things
+you failed to get weren't really worth having.
+%
+Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
+%
+Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
+%
+Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
+%
+Your business will assume vast proportions.
+%
+Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
+%
+Your code should be more efficient!
+%
+Your computer account is overdrawn.  Please reauthorize.
+%
+Your computer account is overdrawn.  Please see Big Brother.
+%
+Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts
+		...Here's How You Can Tell
+Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you
+can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They
+listed 10 signs to watch for:
+    #3. Bizarre sense of humor.  Space aliens who don't understand
+	earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell
+	jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
+    #6. Misuses everyday items.  "A space alien may use correction
+	fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
+    #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home.  "An alien won't
+	discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends."
+   #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
+	high-tech hardware.  "An alien may experience a mood change when
+	a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
+The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not
+all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
+		-- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984.
+
+	[I thought everybody laughed at company training films.  Ed.]
+%
+Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
+%
+Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long,
+dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being
+attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last
+minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the
+Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter.  We Americans live in a nation where the
+medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe
+25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in
+seconds if we felt like it.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead"
+%
+Your domestic life may be harmonious.
+%
+Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
+%
+Your fault - core dumped
+%
+Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket.
+EOF
+%
+Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
+%
+YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
+	by Miss Fortune
+
+AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
+	You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what
+type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party.  Just take beer!
+Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in
+California Hoalloween is redundant anyhow.
+
+PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
+	Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall.  You find others are
+fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your
+bank account.  Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when
+other discover your good qualities without your help.
+%
+YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
+	by Miss Fortune
+
+ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
+	Matters are not good, where you health is concerned.  This Fall, be
+sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly"
+and you will live all the days of your life.
+
+TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
+	You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself
+in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite
+brewskis.  Don't fret too much, Taurus.  To get back on your feet simply
+miss two car payments.
+
+GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
+	You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in
+common with yourself.  You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand
+at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens.
+Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until
+you meet in court.
+%
+YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
+	by Miss Fortune
+
+CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22)
+	You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel
+you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get
+in your beer.  Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going
+to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing?
+
+LEO (July 23 - August 22)
+	You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh
+heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have
+in stock.  Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to
+shop.
+
+VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
+	Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are
+affecting your job production the next morning.  You feel a nine to five job
+is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a
+career change.  Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more
+than people who work standing up.
+%
+Your friends will know you better in the first minute you
+meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
+		-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
+%
+Your goose is cooked.
+(Your current chick is burned up too!)
+%
+Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
+%
+Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
+%
+Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
+%
+Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
+%
+Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
+%
+Your love life will be... interesting.
+%
+Your lover will never wish to leave you.
+%
+Your lucky color has faded.
+%
+Your lucky number has been disconnected.
+%
+Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.
+Watch for it everywhere.
+%
+Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
+original and the part that is original is not good.
+		-- Samuel Johnson
+%
+Your mind is the part of you that says,
+	"Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?"
+... and then, twenty minutes later, says,
+	"Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!"
+		-- Steven and Ondrea Levine
+%
+Your mind understands what you have been
+taught; your heart, what is true.
+%
+Your mode of life will be changed for
+the better because of good news soon.
+%
+Your mode of life will be changed for
+the better because of new developments.
+%
+Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
+%
+Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
+%
+Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder
+Face like ice, a little bit colder
+She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules
+You learned in school"
+But I don't really see
+Why can't we go on as three?
+		-- David Crosby, "Triad"
+%
+Your motives for doing whatever good deed you
+may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.
+%
+Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
+%
+Your object is to save the world,
+while still leading a pleasant life.
+%
+Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself.  Being
+true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the
+mark of a fake messiah.  The simplest questions are the most profound.
+Where were you born?  Where is your home?  Where are you going?  What
+are you doing?  Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers
+change.
+		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+%
+Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
+%
+Your password is pitifully obvious.
+%
+Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
+%
+Your present plans will be successful.
+%
+Your program is sick!  Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
+%
+Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
+%
+Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine.  You
+need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion
+picture star.  If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use
+the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified
+success.
+		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
+%
+Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
+%
+Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
+%
+Your step will soil many countries.
+%
+Your supervisor is thinking about you.
+%
+Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
+%
+Your temporary financial embarrassment will
+be relieved in a surprising manner.
+%
+Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
+%
+Your wig steers the gig.
+		-- Lord Buckley
+%
+Your wise men don't know how it feels
+To be thick as a brick.
+		-- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick"
+%
+Your worship is your furnaces
+which, like old idols, lost obscenes,
+have molten bowels; your vision is
+machines for making more machines.
+		-- Gordon Bottomley, 1874
+%
+You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
+%
+You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
+		-- Jim Samuels to a heckler
+
+Ah, yes.  I remember my first beer.
+		-- Steve Martin to a heckler
+
+When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
+		-- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
+%
+You're all clear now, kid.
+Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
+		-- Han Solo
+%
+You're almost as happy as you think you are.
+%
+You're already carrying the sphere!
+%
+You're always thinking you're gonna be
+the one that makes 'em act different.
+		-- Woody Allen, "Manhattan"
+%
+You're at the end of the road again.
+%
+You're at Witt's End.
+%
+You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
+%
+You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
+%
+You're definitely on their list.
+The question to ask next is what list it is.
+%
+You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
+		-- Eldridge Cleaver
+%
+You're growing out of some of your problems,
+but there are others that you're growing into.
+%
+"You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
+except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus."
+		-- Swamp Thing
+%
+You're never too old to become younger.
+		-- Mae West
+%
+You're not Dave.  Who are you?
+%
+You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
+		-- Dean Martin
+%
+You're reasoning is excellent -- it's
+only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
+%
+You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
+%
+You're using a keyboard!  How quaint!
+%
+You're working under a slight handicap.
+You happen to be human.
+%
+Yours is not to reason why,
+Just to Sail Away.
+And when you find you have to throw
+Your Legacy away;
+Remember life as was it is,
+And is as it were;
+Chasing sounds across the galaxy
+'Till silence is but a blur.
+		-- QYX.
+%
+Youth.  It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.
+%
+Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of
+courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.
+		-- Robert F. Kennedy
+%
+Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
+%
+Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.
+		-- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby"
+%
+Youth is a disease from which we all recover.
+		-- Dorothy Fuldheim
+%
+Youth is such a wonderful thing.  What a crime to waste it on children.
+		-- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Youth is the trustee of posterity.
+%
+Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
+when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
+%
+You've always made the mistake of being yourself.
+		-- Eugene Ionesco
+%
+You've been Berkeley'ed!
+%
+You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
+%
+You've been telling me to relax all the way here,
+and now you're telling me just to be myself?
+		-- The Return of the Secaucus Seven
+%
+You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas.
+%
+"Yow!  Am I having fun yet?"
+		-- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+"Yow!  Am I in Milwaukee?"
+		-- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+"Yow!  And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!"
+		-- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+"Yow!  Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie?"
+		-- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+"Yow!  Is this sexual intercourse yet?  Is it, huh, is it?"
+		-- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+"Yow!!  Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!"
+		-- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+"Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did
+to a BOWLING BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!"
+		-- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+YO-YO:
+	Something that is occasionally up but normally down.
+	(see also Computer).
+%
+Zall's Laws:
+	1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do
+	   will be wrong.
+	2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom
+	   door you're on.
+%
+zeal, n:
+	Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.
+%
+ZERO DEFECTS:
+	The result of shutting down a production line.
+%
+Zero Mostel: That's it baby!  When you got it, flaunt it!  Flaunt it!
+		-- Mel Brooks, "The Producers"
+%
+Zeus gave Leda the bird.
+%
+Zisla's Law:
+	If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
+%
+Zounds!  I was never so bethumped with words
+since I first called my brother's father dad.
+		-- William Shakespeare, "Kind John"
+%
+Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
+	People are always available for work in the past tense.
+%
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b10a098
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o
@@ -0,0 +1,15338 @@
+						PLAYGIRL, Inc.
+						Philadelphia, Pa.  19369
+Dear Sir:
+	Your name has been submitted to us with your photo.  I regret to
+inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold.  On
+a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
+ranging in age from 60 to 75 years.  We tried to assemble a panel in the
+age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
+long enough to reach a decision.  Should the taste of the American woman
+ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
+in our magazine, you will be notified by this office.  Please, don't call
+us.
+	Sympathetically,
+	Amanda L. Smith
+
+p.s.	We also want to commend you for your unusual pose.  Were you
+	wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
+%
+					MOUNTIES:
+I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK,		He's a lumberjack and he's OK,
+I sleep all night and I work all day.	He sleeps all night and he works
+					all day.
+
+I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,	He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
+I go to the lavatory.			He goes to the lavatory.
+On Wednesday I go shopping,		On Wednesday he goes shopping,
+And have buttered scones for tea.	And has buttered scones for tea.
+
+I cut down trees, I skip and jump,	He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
+I like to press wild flowers,		He likes to press wild flowers.
+I put on women's clothing,		He puts on women's clothing,
+And hang around in bars.		And hangs around in bars.
+
+I cut down trees, I wear high heels,	He cuts down trees, he wears high heels,
+Suspenders and a bra.			Suspenders?  and a bra?
+I wish I'd been a girlie,		That's rude...
+Just like my dear Pappa.
+%
+				FROM THE DESK OF
+				Snow White
+
+Dear Snow White:
+
+	Thanks for last night.
+
+		Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful
+%
+		LEPROSY
+Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me.
+I'm not half the man I used to be.
+Oh, how did I get leprosy?
+
+Syphillis, it all started with a simple kiss.
+Now it even hurts to take a piss.
+Oh why did I get syphillis?
+
+Why'd she have VD?  I don't know, she wouldn't say.
+I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ....
+		-- To the tune of "Yesterday"
+%
+		THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
+
+An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the Flat Earth
+Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all
+who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs.
+In addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the following
+beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as correct Church dogma:
+
+	--That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from
+		which UFOs come.
+	--That pi equals precisely 3.000.
+	--That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully
+		squared the circle.
+	--That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
+
+Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being studied,
+including Reaganomics and that the moon landings were done in a Hollywood
+special effects studio.  These will be the subject of some forthcoming Papal
+Bull.
+%
+		The Snack
+Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby.
+
+What baby? asked Daddy.  You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey.
+
+Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience.  Do you think I don't
+	recognize my own baby?  Why I can still see his little privates
+	caught in the gap between your front teeth.  How many times have
+	I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer?
+
+But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy.
+	And am I not the master of my own?
+
+Nothing to eat?
+	What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you
+	just last week in the ball jar?  Our very first baby, too, wailed
+	Mommy, that I was saving for Christmas dinner.
+
+Testicles, testicles, said Daddy.  A man gets tired of testicles.
+		-- L.L. Zeiger
+%
+	... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even
+worse is, our standards keep changing.  Take Playboy magazine.  Back in the
+1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
+considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
+showed was women's breasts.  Granted, any given one of these breasts would
+have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect
+was no more explicit than many publications we think nothing of today, such
+as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+	A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods.  The bear looks
+over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?"
+	"No."
+	So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
+%
+	A business executive is consumed by jealousy: he suspects his wife
+of cheating on him.  The suspicion grows and grows, and one morning as he
+drives to work he can't take it any more.  He thinks to himself, "she
+probably just waited until I left so she could meet with her lover."
+	When he gets to his office, he calls home.  The maid answers.  He
+says, "Hello.  Is my wife there?"
+	"Yes, sir", the maid whispers.
+	"Is she with her lover?"
+	The maid pauses, and then says, "Yes, sir, she is, and I must say
+that I feel terrible about how she treats you."
+	The man yells, "That no good **#*&!!.  If you feel as badly as you
+say you do, you must do this for me: go to my dresser and get my gun.  Check
+to make sure that it's loaded.  Then go upstairs and shoot both that cheating
+two-timing whore and her lover.  Dispose of the gun, and then come back to
+the phone and tell me that it's over.  Don't worry -- I'll protect you."
+The man hears footsteps, a drawer being opened, a click, more footsteps,
+silence... and then two shots.  More footsteps.  Finally the maid comes back
+to the phone and says "It's done."
+	The man asks, "What did you do with the gun?"
+	"I threw it behind the statue in the garden", the maid replies.
+	"Statue in the garden?  Say, what number is this, anyway?"
+%
+	A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians.
+This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use
+them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the
+following sunrise.  That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that
+he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate
+the following morning.  The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to
+see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time.  When the dog is brought by the
+Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear.
+At once the dog runs off over the hill.  Amazingly enough, a few hours later,
+he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town.
+Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy
+his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night.  When the dog is
+brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends
+down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it
+right this time -- go into town and get the posse!"
+%
+	A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
+buddy down the road, who owns several boars.  They agree on a stud fee, and
+the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
+boars.  He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
+the man how he can tell if it "took" or not.  The breeder replies that if,
+the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
+they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
+	Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
+farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
+frolic.  This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
+in the mud.
+	Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
+don't have the heart to look again.  This is getting ridiculous.  You check
+today."  With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
+	"What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly.  "Are they grazing at last?"
+	"Nope." replies his wife.  "Two of them are jumping up and down in
+the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
+%
+	A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
+for a living.  "Tim, you be first," she said.  "What does your mother do
+all day?"
+	Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
+	"That's wonderful.  How about you, Amie?"
+	Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
+mailman."
+	"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.  "What about your father, Billy?"
+	Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
+whorehouse."
+	The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
+Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.  Billy's father
+answered the door.  The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
+an explanation.
+	Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney.  But how do
+you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?"
+%
+	A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice
+from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion.
+ 	"This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick.  But I think
+you can take him.  Remember, though, like I've told you before, don't let
+him get you in the Pretzel hold.  With his strength you'd never get out."
+	The American leaps onto the mat, and within moments the two behemoths
+are going crazy, struggling to get each other pinned.  The American slowly
+gains ground and appears that he might actually win on points alone, when, in
+the blink of an eye, the Russian reverses him and whips him into the fatal
+Pretzel hold.
+	The coach, off by the side, shakes his head in dismay, and sits down
+on the bench with his head between his hands.  All of a sudden, there's a
+scream and the two wrestlers fly apart, the American regaining control and
+pinning the Russian.  After the match, in the dressing room, the coach
+finally gets the winner alone.  "Great job!  But how the hell did you get out
+of the Pretzel Hold?  I thought it was over for sure!"
+ 	"Well, I did too.  I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw
+this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes.  I figured
+what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could.  Coach,
+you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!"
+%
+	A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
+island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
+could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands.  They
+were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
+the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
+the snake's head.  Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
+downward to break the snake's spine.  All went well for the landing, the
+charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle.  At one foxhole site, two
+men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
+Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
+blood.  He collapsed to the ground.  His buddies were so shocked they could
+only blurt out, "What happened?"
+	"I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
+ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me.  I
+grabbed its tail end with my left hand.  I placed my right hand above my left
+hand.  I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
+the snake.  When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
+to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
+%
+	A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops
+in at a local bar for a drink.  He gets his beer, turns around to sit down,
+and finds himself face to face with a ravishing blonde.  The two strike up a
+conversation, and really hit it off.  After a couple drinks they leave the bar
+go back to her pad, to peruse her etchings.  Which doesn't take long -- by
+seven they were happily engaged in intimate scratching.
+	'Round about midnight the guy rolled over in bed and spotted the clock:
+"Midnight!  Already!  I gotta get home!  Honey, you have any baby powder?"
+He jumps out of bed and starts pulling his pants on, trying to find his shoes.
+	"Baby powder?" she asks.  But she comes back from the bathroom and
+hands him the powder.  He frantically shakes it all over his hands, kisses her
+goodbye, and runs out the front door.
+	He gets home, and sure enough, there's his wife, waiting in the
+doorway.
+	"Okay," she mutters, "let's have it."
+	"Well," he says sheepishly, looking down at his feet.  "Okay.  I went
+to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off.  We
+had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..."
+	"Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands...  Don't you lie to me!
+You've been bowling again!"
+%
+	A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved 
+dog in his brother's care.  The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his 
+brother and inquires after his pet.
+	"Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
+	The guy is devastated.  "You know how much that dog meant to me," 
+he moaned into the phone.  "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way 
+of breaking the news?  Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got 
+outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a 
+corner...' or something...?  Why are you always so thoughtless?"
+	"Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
+	"Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us.  How are you anyway?
+How's Mom?"
+	His brother is silent a moment.  "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got 
+outside one day..."
+%
+	A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
+I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
+	A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
+be?  I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
+	"Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
+dog's stuck in its throat."
+%
+	A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled,
+"Hi, honey, I'm home."
+	There was no response.  He walked through the house and saw a note
+on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about
+8.  Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when
+I get home."
+	Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned.  However, his
+stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over
+from his lunch.  He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the
+doorbell ring.  He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired
+girl holding out a little paper bag.  "Trick or treat", she said.
+	He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he
+was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in
+the bag.  The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and
+complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch.  You broke my cookies!"
+%
+	A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven.  His guide is pointing
+out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?"
+	"Oh, you don't want to look down there.  That's hell!"
+	The man creeps up to the edge and looks over.  He sees lush, green
+valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere.  "This doesn't look so bad,"
+he says.
+	Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down.  "Damn!" he snaps,
+"Those Mormons have been irrigating again!"
+%
+	A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
+terrible problem, Doctor.  I have a son at Harvard and another son at
+Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
+homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
+got a thriving ranch in Venezuela.  My wife is a gorgeous young actress
+who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
+	The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused.  "Did I miss
+something?  It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
+	"But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
+%
+	A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers.  The
+bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is.
+	"I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies.
+	About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and
+6 chasers.  So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?"
+	To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers
+are lovers."
+	Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders
+NINE shots and NINE beers.  The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone
+in your family like pussy?"
+	"Yeah.  Me and my sister."
+%
+	A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old 
+Scotch".  The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches 
+down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch.  The man takes one sip
+and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this
+is eight-year-old Scotch."
+	The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch,
+pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you --
+most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even 
+had it -- they're just being pricks.  But you really know your Scotch -- this
+is on the house."
+	A drunk has been sitting at the other end of the bar watching this
+conversation.  He walks up to the man, hands him a glass and says "Taste this."
+The man does -- and spits it out yelling, "This tastes like piss!"  To which
+the drunk replies, "It is -- but how old am I?"
+%
+	A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder.  He walks
+up to the bar and sits down, ordering a beer for himself and one for the
+little Leprechaun.
+	After a few beers, the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder,
+struts down the bar and comes to a stop in front of a rather large construction
+worker.  Looking the guy right in the eye, he gives him a rather large, damp,
+Bronx cheer.  And trots back to sit on his buddy's shoulder.  The worker is
+pretty upset, but decides to shine on this rather offensive breach of manners.
+	After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and
+walks over to his previous victim and goes "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT" again.
+Well, that's too much, and the victim knocks the Leprechaun off the bar and,
+after walking over to stand very close to the Leprechaun's escort, tells him
+in a rather overloud voice, that if it happens again, he's going to "cut off
+his little dick!"
+	Replies the escort, "Leprechauns don't have dicks."
+	"Yeah?  Well, then," asks the big man, how does he take a piss?"
+	"PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT!!!!"
+%
+	A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country
+flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a
+large button with the letters "NAA" on it.
+	"What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button.
+	"Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied.
+	After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my
+asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed'
+men?"
+	"Well, it's not what you think.  Native Americans.  They're better
+hung than *anybody*."
+	"And is it true that the French are the best lovers?"
+	"No, Jewish men.  Once you finally get them going they can last
+all night.  By the way, my name is Sue.  What's yours?"
+	"Running Bear Sheldon."
+%
+	A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.  
+He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
+gas.  When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
+were off.  Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside.  He wasn't sure
+what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry,
+"Help... help... help".  He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
+a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
+ankles.  He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
+	"These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my 
+clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
+	"Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants.  "This just
+hasn't been your day, has it?" 
+%
+	A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged.  Well, this 
+particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the 
+man's penis.  Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very 
+fancy restaurant.  After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, 
+felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under 
+the tablecloth.  The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
+	Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
+quickly disappeared.  The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
+"I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
+	With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd
+like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
+%
+	A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and,
+while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife 
+was the better cook.  One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the
+Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family.
+	The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew
+that he had ever eaten.  
+	"Damn!  That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host.  "What
+kind of meat is it?"
+	"Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican.
+	"Rabbit?" replied the Texan. "There aren't any rabbits around here."
+	"Si, my freend, the rabbeets make the beeg noise, and I shoot theem."
+	"Rabbits don't make any noise..."
+	"Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!"
+%
+	A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office.  The mother 
+asked the doctor to examine her daughter.  "She has been having some strange 
+symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
+	The doctor examined the daughter carefully.  Then he announced,
+"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
+	The mother gasped.  "That's nonsense!" she said.  "Why, my little
+girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..."  She
+turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"
+	"Yes, Mumsy," said the girl.  "Doctor, I have never so much as
+kissed a man!"
+	The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again.  Then, 
+silently he stood up and walked to the window.  He stared out.  He continued 
+staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something 
+wrong out there?"
+	"No, Madam," said the doctor.  "It's just that the last time anything
+like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if
+another one was going to show up."
+%
+	A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
+two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.  "That's what
+I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
+	As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
+he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
+%
+	A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a
+car to take a look at the outback.  "We know it's rough country, but it's safe
+and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager.
+Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off.
+	Later that day, they returned, upset and angry.  "You said it was
+decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't
+driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!"
+	"And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged
+aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved
+at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!"
+	"Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger
+like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?"
+%
+	A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have
+some good news and some bad news."
+	He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news."
+	She replied, "You're not sterile."
+%
+	A sociologist, a psychologist, and a engineer were discussing the
+consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress.  The
+sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable
+for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly
+and lustful pursuits.
+	The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible,
+if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being,
+then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he
+is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.
+	The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary,
+a married man is entitled to a mistress.  However, I do not see why the
+affair should be concealed from the wife.  On the contrary, if the affair
+is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he
+is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with
+his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!"
+%
+	A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking
+for a job.  He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his
+qualifications.  The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the
+white man and said: "You leave!  No job!"
+	The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but
+that of tribe Medicine-Man.  He would convince him if the Chief would allow
+him to demonstrate his magic.  "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief.
+	"Oh, yeah?", said the stranger.  "I'll prove it to you by making
+your dog, here, talk!"
+	"Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he
+heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me
+good.  He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!"
+	"If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger,
+"the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!"
+	"Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he
+heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse.  He takes me up to
+the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty."
+	The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his
+final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk.
+	"NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!"
+%
+	A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom
+asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom.  I got laid!"
+	She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after
+work.  "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men
+should keep it a secret.  Women just don't understand these things."
+	So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in:
+"You get laid today, Billy?"
+	"Yeah, Dad."
+	"How was it?"
+	"Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot."
+	"Good Boy!".
+	A month later: "You get laid today?"
+	"No, Dad."
+	"No?  How come?"
+	"Gee, Dad, my ass is getting really sore."
+%
+	A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West.  The
+Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come."
+	The white man looks around in all directions, sees nothing for
+miles and asks the Indian how the hell he knows that.
+	Replies the Indian, "Ear wet."
+		-- Lily Tomlin, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
+		   Life in the Universe"
+%
+	A woman was married to a golfer.  One day she asked, "If I were
+to die, would you remarry?"
+	After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
+this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
+	The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
+	"Yes," he replied.  "That's a good car and it runs well."
+	"Well, would you live in this house?"
+	"Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. 
+I've always loved it here."
+	"Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
+	"No."
+	"Why not?"
+	"She's left handed."
+%
+	A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park.  
+They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate 
+love.  Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned 
+to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time."
+	She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off 
+my pantyhose."
+%
+	A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob,
+whereupon his father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to
+settle for a kiss."
+	The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?"
+%
+	After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
+earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several 
+minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
+	"No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
+name for my baby."
+	"But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
+of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
+	"That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
+name."
+%
+	All he did was take the ball and run every time they called his
+number -- which came to be more and more often, and in the Super Bowl Thomas
+was the whole show.  But the season is now over; the purse is safe in the
+vault; and Duane Thomas is facing two to twenty for possession.  Nobody really
+expects him to serve time, but nobody seems to think he'll be playing for
+Dallas next year either, and a few sporting people who claim to know how the
+NFL works say he won't be playing for ANYBODY next year; that the Commissioner
+is outraged at this mockery of all those Government-sponsored "Beware of Dope"
+TV shots that dressed up the screen last autumn.
+	We all enjoyed those spots, but not everyone found them convincing.
+Here was a White House directive saying several million dollars would be spent
+to drill dozens of Name Players to stare at the camera and try to stop grinding
+their teeth long enough to say they hate drugs of any kind... and then the best
+running back in the world turns out to be a goddamn uncontrollable drugsucker.
+	But not for long.  There is not much room for freaks in the National
+Football League.  Joe Namath was saved by the simple blind luck of getting
+drafted by a team in New York City, a place where social outlaws are not
+always viewed as criminals.  But Namath would have had a very different trip
+if he'd been drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals.
+		-- Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+	An Aggie was appointed ambassador to Japan.  Two weeks before
+officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha
+house.  While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san,
+yaki-san."
+	Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first
+Japanese word.  It must be an expression of joy."
+	When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment,
+which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course.
+After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made
+a hole-in-one.  The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai!
+Bonsai!"
+	Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the
+new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san,
+yaki-san!"
+	The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed,
+"What do you mean, wrong hole?"
+%
+	An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial 
+city and asked to be served the specialty of the house.  When the dish
+arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained.  "These, senor," explained
+the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the
+testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today.
+	The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious.
+Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish.  When it was 
+served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are
+much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
+	"True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose."
+%
+	An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
+porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps.  She
+picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears!  The genie
+tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
+	After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
+beautiful!"  And POOF!  In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
+voluptuous woman.
+	After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
+for the rest of my life."  And POOF!  When the smoke clears, there are
+stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
+	The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
+	"Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
+faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
+handsome prince!"
+	And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
+handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
+	As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
+the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
+fixed?"
+%
+	An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a 
+man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by.  "Your names please?" 
+said the the soldier.
+	"My name is Mary," said the woman.  
+	"And mine is Joseph," said the man.  
+	"Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you
+going?"
+	"To Bethlehem."
+	"Your reason for going there?" 
+	"To pay our taxes to the government."
+	"Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?"
+	"Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto 
+Ricans?"
+%
+	An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the 
+remains of her cat.  As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
+"I have a dead pussy."
+	The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
+"Sit with my wife.  You two have a lot in common."
+%
+	And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
+	They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
+ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
+very selfhood revealed."
+	And Jesus replied, "What?"
+%
+	"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
+to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
+posh hotel.
+	"No.  No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
+	"Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
+	"Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman.  "Would you bring me
+a postcard?"
+%
+	Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman?  If so, you know how
+Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only
+an occasional weekend for sex.  Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack,
+rising corporate star, ended in disaster.  Yesterday you heard him telling
+a friend over lunch,  "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!"  Well,
+all is not lost!  SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just
+15 minutes a day!
+	SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate
+sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers.  Through
+the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal
+muscles.  With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the
+"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistable", the "California Crusher", and,
+of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm".  Or,
+using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own!
+	SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely
+immersible for easy cleaning.  SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely
+textured for a realistic effect.  Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and
+limited graphics capability.  Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries.
+%
+	Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that
+his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young
+executive appeared at a local health resort.  Looking over the several weight
+loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two
+pounds per day.  After a light breakfast, and a almost non-existent lunch, he
+was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that
+"if he caught her, he could have her".  After an hour of hard running, he
+finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had
+lost just under three pounds.  Returning the next week, he chose the plan that
+was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session.  After following the same
+regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running,
+he caught the young woman.  Weight loss, just over four pounds.  Returning the
+following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day.  He was shown
+to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by a extremely
+muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into
+a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules.  Start running!"
+%
+	Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
+Indians.  After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to
+the number of feathers in the headdresses.  She asked a brave who had only
+one feather in his headdress.  His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me
+have only one feather."  She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow
+was only joking.  This brave had four feathers in his headdress.  He replied,
+"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws."
+	Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of
+squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief.  Now the Chief had a
+headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.
+Ms. W:	"Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"
+Chief:	"Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall,
+		me fuck-em all."
+Ms. W:	"You ought to be hung!"
+Chief:	"You damned right, me hung.  Big like buffalo, long like snake."
+Ms. W:	"You don't have to be so hostile!"
+Chief:	"Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all."
+Ms. W:	"Oh, dear!"
+Chief:	"No deer, me no fuck deer.  Asshole too high and fuckers run
+		too fast."
+%
+	Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife, 
+Guinevere, into her chastity belt.  Then he summoned his loyal friend and 
+subject Sir Lancelot.  "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this 
+sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife.  The key to this chaste 
+treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world.  To you."
+	Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's 
+blessing and took charge of the key.  Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.  
+Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to 
+see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
+	"What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
+	"My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
+%
+	Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best 
+friend asked him how it went.
+	"The first night we did it nine times," Bill said.  "The second 
+night, eight times.  The third night, seven times.  The fourth night, six 
+times.  The fifth night, five times.  The sixth night, four times, and the 
+last night, nothing!"
+	"Nothing?" his pal asked.  "How come?"
+	"Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
+%
+	But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose
+skins were black.  And lo!  Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted
+calf they were sucking hind teat...
+	Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they
+called him King.  And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to
+the front of the bus."
+	But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
+deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass.  When ye shall prove
+yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
+unto a snowball in Hell."
+		-- "The Begatting of a President"
+%
+	But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that
+cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone.  It is akin
+to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation.  The
+latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing 
+with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole 
+bunch of knuckles.
+		-- Harlan Ellison
+%
+	"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with
+your penis?"
+	"Uh, not right now."
+	"Tsk, tsk.  A girl has to have *some* standards."
+		-- Real Genius
+%
+	Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one
+particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock,
+a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition,
+said, "Winston, you're drunk."  Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew
+himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up
+your ass, you ugly cunt."
+	When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to
+the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if
+you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and
+your play can go fuck yourselves."
+	At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table
+to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee."  "And
+if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's
+unhesitating retort.
+		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
+%
+	"Daddy?"
+	"Yes son."
+	"Wha-wha-wha-what does regret mean?"
+	"Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret
+something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done.  And by
+the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell her,
+`SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'"
+		-- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf"
+%
+	Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
+
+	Sept 14		Pasadena Junior High
+	Sept 21		Boy Scout Troop 049
+	Sept 28		Blind Academy
+	Sept 30		World War I Veterans
+	Oct 5		Brownie Scout Troop 041
+	Oct 12		Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
+	Oct 26		St. Thomas Boys Choir
+	Nov 2		Texas City Vet Clinic
+	Nov 9		Korean War Amputees
+	Nov 15		VA Hospital Polio Patients
+%
+	"Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll 
+be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
+%
+	"Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you.
+We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?"
+	"But this is different," protested her husband.
+	"Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden.
+Now tell me what our problem is."
+	"Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a
+bastard child."
+%
+	"Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
+married?"
+	He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
+I've always been especially fond of married women."
+%
+	Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted
+to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper.  In the ad she made it
+quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already
+had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she
+now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly.  Phone calls started coming
+in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck 
+the young woman's fancy.  Until one night her doorbell rang.  Opening the door 
+she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in 
+response to her advertisement.  "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my 
+ad was quite explicit.  I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert, 
+and you... uh... don't have all the..."
+	"Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
+%
+	"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
+sincerely, extremely dangerously.
+	They used dogs.  They used probes.  They used cardio plate crossoffs.
+They used teepers.  They used bribery.  They used stick tites.  They used
+intimidation.  They used torment.  They used torture.  They used finks.
+They used cops.  They used search and seizure.  They used fallaron.  They
+used betterment incentives.  They used finger prints.  They used the
+bertillion system.  They used cunning.  They used guile.  They used treachery.
+They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.  They used applied physics.
+They used techniques of criminology.  And what the hell, they caught him.
+		-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
+%
+	During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were 
+blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall.  Suddenly a red-face 
+country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost 
+hit my wife."
+	"Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast.  "Terribly sorry.  Have a shot
+at mine, over there."
+%
+	During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her 
+husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!"  Then, turning to the counselor,
+she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"
+%
+	Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a 
+blizzard.  He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that, 
+while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter.  She proved 
+to be eighteen and beautiful.   So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a 
+pass at the daughter.  "Stop that!" she said.  "I'll call my father."  
+	He desisted.  But half an hour later he made another attempt.  "Uh, 
+stop ... that," she said.  "I'll call my father."
+	But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try.  This time, no
+protest, no threat.  Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she 
+tugged at his pajama sleeve.  "Could we do that again?" she asked.  
+	Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the 
+tug at his sleeve.  "Again?"  
+	And again Ed obliged.  But when his sleep was once more interrupted
+by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
+and mumbled, "Stop that!  Or I'll call your father."
+%
+	Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller
+and stuck out his hand.  "Son," he said.  "Tell the truth.  It ain't better
+than fried chicken, is it?"
+	Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said:
+	"I got to be dead honest, Roy."
+	And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him.
+	Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she
+ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who
+can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the
+finest I've ever had."
+		-- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough"
+%
+	Ever thought of putting a ferret down your pants?  Yes, ferrets,
+those weasel-like animals originally trained to hunt rats and possessing
+needle sharp claws and razor sharp teeth.  The English do it for sport.
+	Ferret Legging involves the tying of a competitors's trousers at
+the ankles and then dropping into the trousers a couple of vicious ferrets.
+No jockstraps or underwear allowed -- nothing but the bodies' own.  The
+ferrets must be young and in good condition.  Neither the ferret or the
+contestant may be drugged or drunk -- cold eyed sober only.  The trousers
+should be loose fitting, to allow the ferret to scramble from one leg to
+the other, and are traditionally white, so that the blood shows better.
+	Normal contestants are able to keep them down for up to 40 seconds.
+The champion ferret legger, Reg Mellor, of Yorkshire, holds the world record
+of 5 hours and 26 minutes.  Mr. Mellor's claims that being the champion is
+not so much heroism but, "You just got to be able to have your tool bitten
+and not care."
+%
+	Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see 
+a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a 
+baseball.  Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and
+ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?"
+	The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach, 
+which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed.  The genie said, "I now give
+you one wish.  Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?"
+%
+	Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman, 
+obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance 
+floor like a 20-year old.  Finally curiousity got the best of the cigarette 
+girl.  "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman
+of your age living it up like a youngster.  Tell me, are all of your faculties
+unimpaired?"
+	The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head.  "Not 
+all, I'm afraid." he said.  "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a 
+girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place 
+about two A.M.  We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon
+as my head hit the pillow.  I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."
+	"Why, George," she said in suprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
+	"So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to 
+fail me."
+%
+	Farmer Johnson was drunk again.
+	"You know, Anna," he said to his long-suffering wife, "if you could
+only lay eggs we could get rid of all those damn chickens."
+	Anna said nothing.  Farmer Johnson tried again.  "You know, Anna, if
+only you could give milk we could get rid of that expensive herd of cows."
+	Anna looked at him coolly. "You know, Jack," she said, "if only you
+could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob."
+%
+	"First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight,"
+said the guy aggressively.
+	"Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.
+	"Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in 
+town."
+	"Oh, no, you won't."
+	"Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris."
+	"Oh, no, you won't."
+	"Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you."
+	"Oh, no, you're not."
+	"And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy.
+	"Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl.
+%
+	For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
+vacations at this country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed an
+affair with the innkeeper's daughter.  Looking forward to an exciting
+few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped
+short.  There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
+	"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
+he cried.  "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
+and the baby would have my name!"
+	"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition,
+we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be
+better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
+%
+	Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
+usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation.  On this particular
+evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
+such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
+	One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
+and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?"  The four
+fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
+	At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?"  The others nodded
+in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem.  A second
+professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'"  Again, the others
+nodded.  A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
+	They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
+remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
+the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies.  What are your
+thoughts?"
+	Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
+%
+	Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their 
+engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who 
+was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy 
+and sarcastic?"
+	"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
+	"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
+%
+	"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
+to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
+beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a 
+dark prison cell?  Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little 
+apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
+in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
+%
+	God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter
+what style of fucking it practiced.  He made sex irresistibly pleasurable,
+wildly joyous, free from fears.  He made it innocent merriment.
+	Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit.  Everyone
+agreed, from aardvarks to zebras.  All the jolly animals -- lions and
+lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
+though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
+innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years.  Maybe they
+were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one.
+		-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
+%
+	God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
+differences once and for all.
+	When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
+where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
+%
+	Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home 
+from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
+	"I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly.  "You
+promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
+nine.  It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
+	"Honey, wait," said Harry.  "Let me explain.  I know what I promised
+you, but I have a very good reason for being late.  Fred and I tee'd off
+right on time and everything was find for the first three holes.  Then, on
+the fourth tee Fred had a stroke.  I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
+find a doctor.  And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead.  So, for
+the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
+%
+	Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
+No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
+been worse."
+	To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
+situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no 
+hope in it.  Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
+"Harry!  Did you hear what happened to George?  He came home last night,
+found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
+the gun on himself!"
+	"Terrible," said Harry.  "But it could have been worse."
+	"How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly
+have been worse?"
+	"Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
+dead right now."
+%
+	Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his
+proposal of marriage as he was pretty sensitive about his artificial leg
+and afraid that no one would have him.  In fact, he couldn't bring himself
+to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger,
+nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.
+All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which
+she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
+	The wedding came and went, and the young couple were at last alone
+in their honeymoon suite. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big
+surprise," smiled the bride.
+	Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his
+leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
+	"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the
+Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"
+%
+	"Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
+	"Thanks.  Got it upstairs already."
+	"Do it alone?"
+	"Nope.  Hitched the cat to it."
+	"How would that help?"
+	"Used a whip."
+%
+	"Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
+	"Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion!  Busy day?"
+	"Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
+	"Four hours to bury a cat!?"
+	"Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
+	"Oh, it's not dead then."
+	"Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're
+goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be
+on the safe side."
+	"Quite right.  You don't want to come back from Sorrento
+to a dead cat, do you?"
+		-- Monty Python
+%
+	"Hello, Police Department."
+	"This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court.  I've just been sexually 
+molested by a pervert, right here in my own home.  It was horrifying!"
+	"Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
+	"Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask.  I was napping
+on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything.
+Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
+I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off.  I was so frightened!  He
+held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly.  What could I do?  I
+couldn't stop him.  He was huge.  A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty 
+pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible.  He had an
+erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my
+throat; forced me to suck it.  Yes, officer!  There was no escaping this man.
+Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on 
+my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to
+say it, he put that huge thing...  It must have been a foot long, and I don't
+know how thick... into my...  Just a minute."
+	"What's the matter, mister?"
+	"Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower."
+%
+	Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled
+with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John
+Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't
+define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it.  So for a while, the
+court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
+Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over.  "Nope, this isn't
+it," he'd say.  "Bring some more."  This went on until one morning when
+his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
+enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
+ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
+that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
+it because the court was going to take a nap.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+	"How'd you get that flat?"
+	"Ran over a bottle."
+	"Didn't you see it?"
+	"Damn kid had it under his coat."
+%
+	"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
+the phone.  "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
+	"Who was that?" his young wife asked.
+	"Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
+%
+	"I know a life of crime led me to this sorry state.  I blame
+society.  Society made me what I am today!"
+	"That's bullshit Archie.  You're just a young suburban punk
+like me."
+	"It still...  hurts... auugghh!"
+	"You're going to be okay..."
+		"...gurgle..."
+			"... maybe not."
+		-- Repo Man
+%
+	"I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks,"
+the American said to an Algerian camel merchant.  "Is it possible?"
+	"All things are possible," replied the merchant.  He proceeded to
+take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water.  After the
+camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank,
+the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind
+the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks.
+	The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed
+like twenty more gallons of water.
+	The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant.  "My God,
+man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!"
+	The merchant shrugged.  "Only if you get your thumbs in between the
+bricks."
+%
+	"I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight.
+	"Oh, how can you tell?"
+	"Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't
+hear the stereo."
+%
+	I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
+"What'll you have, Bud"?
+	I said," I don't know, surprise me".
+	So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
+		-- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+	"I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
+young man to his father as he prepared to leave home.  "Don't try to stop me.
+I'm on my way."
+	"Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father.  "Take me along!"
+%
+	In the begining, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
+mud."
+	And there was mud.
+	And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
+can see what we have done."
+	And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
+man.  Mud-as-man alone could speak.
+	"What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
+	"Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
+	"Certainly," said man.
+	"Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
+	And He went away.
+		-- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu"
+%
+	In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads
+	In the evening, floating in the soup.
+(chorus):
+Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads;
+Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!
+	You can ask them anything you want to.
+	They won't answer; they can't talk.
+(chorus):
+	I took a fish head out to see a movie,
+	Didn't have to pay to get it in.
+(chorus):
+	They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
+	They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
+(chorus):
+	Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in
+	Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
+(chorus):
+	Fishy!
+(chorus):
+		-- Fish Heads
+%
+	In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
+announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency.  During His press conference
+today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
+a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
+in time.  I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
+around!  Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
+those annoying mountains and rivers.  I never could stand them!"
+	There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
+citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency.  God replied to
+these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
+than a citizen bless their country?"
+%
+	It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and
+they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed.
+One of them said, "Wow! What tits!  Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with
+them for awhile.  What are you doing this afternoon?"
+	Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful
+thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the
+Corps.  "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well
+brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt."
+%
+	It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year.  I was driving
+in downtown Atlantis.  My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented
+Stingray, and it was overheating.  So I pulled into a Shell station.  They
+said I'd blown a seal.  I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private
+life out of it, okay, pal?"  While they were doing that, I walked over to the
+Oyster Bar.  A real dive.  But I knew the owner.  He used to play for the
+Dolphins.  I said "Hi, Gil!"  You have to yell -- he's hard of herring.
+		-- Kip Addotta, "Wet Dream"
+%
+	It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the
+American were talking about love over some dry Martinis.  "Deed you know,
+sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different
+ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?"
+	"Do tell?" said the American.  "Well, that's amazing.  In this
+country there's only one."
+	"Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly.  "And what eez
+that?"
+	"Well, there's a man and a woman, and --"
+	"Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman.  "Numbair 80!"
+%
+	"Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and
+Jewish men?"
+	"You really want to know?"
+	"Yeah."
+	"Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob?  And
+Catholic girls fuck like bunnies."
+%
+	Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
+her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.  She wore a bathing suit
+the frist day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
+way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.  She'd hardly
+begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
+stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
+	"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
+the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.  "The Hilton doesn't
+mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
+wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
+	"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.  "No one
+can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
+	"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man.  "You're lying on
+the dining room skylight."
+%
+	Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, just don't
+seem survival oriented.  For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating
+with, well, her mate, will devour him.  For the male praying mantis, however,
+it's a catch-22.  If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate
+again.  If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce, ending his family tree.  This
+suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many
+life forms are periodically subject to its wrath.  How did the preying mantis
+become stuck in such a awful, vicious cycle?  This is probably what happened:
+	The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis.  After
+some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphram) they mate.
+The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the
+male raids the refrigerator and returns home.  This behavior continues until
+the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship.  Then the
+male establishes a new pattern of behavior:  Football on Mondays, baseball on
+Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, uh, well, uh, working-late-at-the-office
+on Thursdays, etc. etc.  The female tolerates this for awhile, then files for
+a divorce.  After a long court battle, she concludes one thing:  It simplifies
+matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him.
+	Well, through the centuries of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome
+has been carried up to the highest life forms, as well as to humans.  That is
+why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled
+to bite the head off of the male.  The Syndrome is inescapable, but when it
+occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while.
+%
+	Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the
+mirror, admiring her breasts.
+	"And what do you think you're doing?" he asked.
+	"I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a
+twenty-five-year-old."
+	"Oh yeah?  And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old
+ass?"
+	"Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all."
+%
+	Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile.
+Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures.  One day,
+without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation.  In
+an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to
+prison.
+	They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports
+in their hotel room.  For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get
+them to name their contacts in the liberation movement...  Finally they're
+hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced
+to death.
+	The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll
+be shot.  The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have
+any last requests.  Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in
+Chicago.  The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to
+Murray.
+	"This is crazy!" Murray shouts.  "We're not spies!"  And he
+spits in the sergeants face.
+	"Murray!" Esther cries.  "Please!  Don't make trouble."
+		-- Arthur Naiman
+%
+	"My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a
+barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!"
+	"Not in California."
+%
+	"My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
+a girl should not do before twenty."
+	"Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
+audience, either."
+%
+	Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
+you.  He doesn't know.  Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
+oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you.  She doesn't know.  Never ask how many
+cigarettes your lover has smoked today.  Cancer is a personal committment.
+	Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
+the ones who dived in front of trains.  If you look like one of them, you are
+repeating history's mistakes.  If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
+in the others.
+	While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
+of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui.  Don't ask who took
+it.  The answer is obvious.  A Japanese tourist took the picture.
+	Never ask if your lover has had therapy.  Only people who have had
+therapy ask if people have had therapy.
+	Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
+Assume that she bought them at a flea  market.
+		-- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
+%
+	Never take a resume seriously.  Resumes only make money for the
+people who write the resumes.  No resume ever tells an employer how many
+times a job applicant has had the clap.
+	Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written
+by a professional liar? 
+	If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question:
+did the applicant go to TCU?
+	If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she
+have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall?
+		-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
+%
+	On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum 
+to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.  
+There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning 
+alive.  "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't 
+dead yet.  I can see her lips moving.  Go quickly and find out what she is 
+saying."
+	The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
+the flames as he dared, and listened intently.  Then he turned and ran back
+to the imperial box.  "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
+singing."
+	"Singing?" said the astounded emperor.  "Singing what?"
+	"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
+%
+	Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of
+bored after dinner one night.  He decided to hold a contest of who at the
+court had the mightiest "weapon".  The first knight stood up and proclaimed
+that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5
+pound weight around it.  The weapon doth rose.  The crowds cheered... the
+women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band
+played appropriate music.
+	Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon.
+He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself.  The weapon doth
+rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved
+multi-colored banners...  and the band played appropriate music.
+	After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...  the
+King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
+his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound,
+but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffe pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
+The crowds cheered...  the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored
+banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
+%
+	One day a mother and daughter are walking around a farming community
+and they see a stallion mounting a mare.  The daughter takes in the scene and
+turns to her mother. "Mommy, what are those two horses doing?"
+	Her mother hastily answered, "The horse on top hurt its hoof, and the
+one on the bottom is carrying him back to the stable."
+	The daughter shook her head and sadly replied, "Isn't that just the
+way it goes?  Try to help someone and you get fucked."
+%
+	One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to
+seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge.  He picked up Milli-Amp
+and took her for a ride on his Megacycle.  They rode across the Wheatstone
+bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the
+flowing current.  Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's charactaristic curves,
+soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum.  He laid
+her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance.
+He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket,
+connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt.
+Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled:  "OHM-OHM-OHM."
+	With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with
+his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly
+discharged and drained of every electron.  They Fluxed all night trying
+various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost
+all of its field strength.
+	Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction  and  damaged  her
+solenoids.  With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to
+excite his field, so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing
+each others fuses.
+		-- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron"
+%
+	One of my favorite Zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while
+visiting the zoo, desided to have a little fun with the Gorilla.  She walks
+up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast.  Needless to
+say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in
+kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...!
+	The gorilla becomes enraged.  He rips the bars from his cage, grabs
+the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her.  While doing so,
+he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person.
+	Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims,
+"Oh, you poor dear...!  Are you hurt?"
+	"Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone.  He
+never writes..."
+%
+	One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY.  So he took his Miss
+HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he
+there began to feel her MOUNDS.  And that was an ALMOND JOY which definately
+made his TOOSIE ROLL.
+	He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT
+which of course caused the MILKY WAY.  She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she
+squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better then the 3
+MUSKETEERS."
+		-- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem"
+%
+	One spring evening, after a hard rain, grandpa and grandson were
+sitting out on the porch, talking.  Grandpa spied a worm crawling up out
+of its hole and said to his grandson, "Sonny, if you can get that there
+worm back down its hole, I'll give you five dollars."
+	"Sure!", says sonny, and runs in the house.  Out he runs an
+instant later with a can of hairspray, grabs the worm, and sprays it with
+the hairspray as it dangles earthward.  He then slips the stiff worm back
+into its hole and turns to his grandpa with a huge smile on his face.
+	"Well, I'll be.  That was pretty smart there, boy.", he says.
+"Here's your fiver.", he adds as he fishes out a bill.  By then it's almost
+dark, and they say their goodnights and part.
+	The next day sonny's playing out on the porch, and grandpa comes
+out of the house and gives him a five.  "But you gave me my five yesterday,
+grandpa.", he remarks.
+	"Yep, I know.  This is from your Grandma."
+%
+	"Our school, madame, postulates, first of all, that since the
+science of mathematics is an abstract science, it is best inculcated by
+some concrete example."
+	Said the Queen, "But that sounds rather complicated."
+	"It occasionally leads to complications," Jurgen admitted, "through
+a choice of the wrong example.  But the axiom is no less true."
+	"Come, then, and sit next to me on this couch if you can find it in
+the dark; and do you explain to me what you mean."
+	"Why, madame, by a concrete example I mean one that is perceptible
+to any of the senses -- as to sight or hearing, or touch --"
+	"Oh, oh!" said the Queen, "now I perceive what you mean by a concrete
+example.  And grasping this, I can understand that complications must of
+course arise from a choice of the wrong example."
+		-- James Branch Cabell, "Jurgen"
+%
+	Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a
+state of great libidal distress.  Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a
+dove flying by.  "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter)
+and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest.  Feathers flew, and
+eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they
+shout, too):
+	"I'm a dove!  I've been loved!  And I LIKE it!"
+	Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he
+was at it again.  All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers
+flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted:
+	"I'm a lark!  I've been sparked!  And I LIKE it!"
+	As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of
+amor... lib... you know!  This time, all that happened by was... a duck!
+So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck
+tottering to the cliffside and shouting:
+	"I'M A DRAKE!  THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE!  AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!!
+%
+	People who claim to know jackrabbits will tell you they are primarily
+motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness.  But I have spent enough time in
+jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are
+bored with their daily routines:  eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and
+then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in
+a while; there has to be a powerful adrenalin rush in crouching by the side of
+a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking
+out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other
+side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels.
+	Why not?  Anything that gets the adrenalin moving like a 440 volt
+blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free
+of cholesterol ...  but too many adrenalin rushes in any given time-span has
+the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments
+are said to have on the brain:  after a while you start burning out the
+circuits.
+	When a jackrabbit gets addicted to road running, it is only a matter
+of time before he gets smashed -- and when a journalist turns into a politics
+junkie he will sooner or later start raving and babbling in print about things
+that only a person who has Been There can possibly understand.
+		-- Hunter Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
+%
+	People who write position papers often find themselves in an
+enviable position.  They are hired to write papers for both sides of the
+position.
+	A good position paper will have many words in it like
+"superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification."
+	You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase
+limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper.
+	Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in
+position papers.  They should look complicated enough to make Albert
+Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol.
+	A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a
+semicolon.
+		-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
+%
+	Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old
+has been waiting for him.  Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable
+Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?"
+	The girl, and she's not so little, tells him.  Well, Santa is
+definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho,
+gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
+	The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe.  "Aw, please stay
+Santa," she begs.
+	He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys,
+you know."
+	She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing
+at Santa like an accusation.  "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads.
+	"Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
+	Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her
+warm mound of delight.  "Aw, please stay, Santa," she begs.
+	Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey,
+gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way."
+%
+	Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde
+stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison.  "If
+this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she
+doesn't deserve to have any."
+
+	James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother")
+failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to
+remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a
+major general."
+
+	(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed,
+complained, "Only one man ever understood me."  He fell silent for a
+while and then added, "And he didn't understand me."
+
+	Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
+pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening
+sight I have ever seen."  His companion was surprised to see nothing
+more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand
+on the child's shoulder.  "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning
+out of the car.  "Run for your life!"
+
+	Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the
+Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives.  A popular
+story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was
+roused by his wife crying, "Wake up!  I think there are burglars in the
+house."
+	"No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
+maybe, but not in the House."
+
+%
+	Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the
+still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence.
+Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his
+exposed manhood and asked his mate, "Do you know what this is?"
+	Without hesitation, she blushingly answered, "That's a wee-wee."
+	Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in the ways of
+love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, this will be called a
+prick."
+	"Oh, come now," the girl chided.  "I've seen lots of pricks and I
+assure you, that's a wee-wee."
+%
+	Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a
+certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his
+own.  Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I
+care for neither your politics nor your moustache."  Unabashed, the young
+statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, the wryly commented, "Suck my
+dick."
+	While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was
+asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers.
+ "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a
+whimsical smile, "They're assholes."
+	Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at
+the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of
+Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the
+upcoming conference in Yalta.  At the appointed hour, the President was
+wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister
+had not finished bathing.  Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion
+and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room
+stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are
+you staring at, homo?"
+		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
+%
+	"Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of
+coffee?"
+	"Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!",
+answered the gentleman, rather shortly.
+	"I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny."
+%
+	"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
+sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
+	"How do you know?" the friend asked.
+	"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
+she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
+	"So?"
+	"So, she's a liar.  I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
+%
+	The big problem with pornography is defining it.  You can't just
+say it's pictures of people naked.  For example, you have these
+primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
+and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
+saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
+you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
+time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
+Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
+	So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
+publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
+naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
+naked, or whatever.  But if National Geographic were to publish an
+article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
+Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography.  But
+others would not.  And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
+Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+	The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
+"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
+in his hand.  But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
+	"Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
+but not much good in a fight."
+%
+	The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
+a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi.  The rabbi listened solemnly to
+his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
+	So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
+please help me.  My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
+sees nothing but goyim..."
+	"Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
+you got problems.  What about my son?"
+%
+	The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
+physical examination.  "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
+"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
+from women."
+	"Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient.  "What's
+second best?"
+%
+	The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had
+made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her
+footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the
+reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting,
+madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore."
+	"You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gywnn, "at this rate you must fight
+every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it."
+	"Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut
+the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that."
+		-- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
+%
+	The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
+As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
+	"What happened?"
+	"Dunno," replied the man.  "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
+-- well, I'll be damned.  There goes another one!"
+%
+	The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
+After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
+branch scraped her forehead lightly.  The groom dismounted, glared at his
+wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
+	The ride then proceeded.  After another mile or so, the bride's
+horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
+Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
+"That's two," he said.
+	Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
+crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl.  Immediately, the groom was
+off his horse.  "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
+shot the horse between the eyes.
+	"You brute!" shrieked his bride.  "Now I see the kind of man I
+married!  You're a sadist, that's what!"
+	The groom turned to her coolly.  "That's one," he said.
+%
+	The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well-
+dressed, alert and obviously intelligent.  The judge asked him how he
+pleaded to the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he
+replied, "Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor."
+	"Insanity?" exclaimed the judge.
+	"Yes, sir," said the defendant.  "I'm just crazy about it."
+%
+	The new patron was amazed by the cleanliness of the restaurant.  A
+waiter approached the table.  "Good afternoon, sir.  What may I serve you?"
+	"I'll have the steak dinner," the man answered.
+	As the waiter headed for the kitchen, the diner noticed that he
+wore a spotless white apron and clean white gloves.  Soon the waiter
+returned, bearing a casserole dish on a cart which he uncovered to reveal
+two tempting filet mignons.  From a covered pocket in his apron he produced
+a small pair of shining silver tongs and with them he transferred the meat
+from the steaming casserole to the diner's plate.  "We never touch anything
+with our hands," he explained.
+	The waiter continued serving.  "Confidentially," he said, "we even
+have a special set of rules about visiting the lavatory.  Do you see this
+little piece of string attached to my apron?"
+	"Yes," the diner replied.  "I noticed that all the aprons had one."
+	The waiter put a large browned potato on the plate with his tongs.
+"Well," he began, "if I should have to go to the bathroom, that string
+comes in very handily.  I simply unzip my pants and take it out with that
+piece of string.  That way everything stays sanitary."
+	"But how do you put it back?"
+	"Well, I don't know about the other guys," the waiter confided, "but
+I use the tongs."
+%
+	The old mailman is making his last rounds; he retires at the end of
+the week.  As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at
+the door.  "Please come in!  We're very grateful for your years of service to
+us and our neighborhood.  I've prepared something special for you."
+ 	In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where
+Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch.  After dumping his letter satchel
+on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal.  As the mailman finished
+his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from
+leaving and disappears upstairs.  She returns in a moment, in a daring
+negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate
+farewell is consummated between the sheets.
+ 	As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand,
+pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him.  Reacting to his astonished
+look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that
+we should do something for you.  He said 'Fuck him.  Give him a dollar!'"
+She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea."
+%
+	The other day my girlfriend and I were going to a party and on the
+way there, we got a flat tire.  We got out of the car and I pumped, she
+jacked I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked and then we changed the
+tire.  Eventually we arrived at the party and when we walked in, everyone was
+jumping for joy.  What a sight seeing her hanging nude from the chandelier!
+Well the party was OK, I guess, we just sat around drinking sherry and eating
+candy.  Everybody else started feeling merry.  Those have got to be the three
+wildest girls I know.
+%
+	The people of Halifax invented the trampoline.  During the Victorian
+period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden
+frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' it.  The tripoline,
+as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a spectator
+sport.
+	The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
+castrating pigs during Sunday service.
+		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+	The radio was screaming: "Power to the People -- Right On!" John
+Lennon's political song, ten years too late.  "That poor fool should have
+stayed where he was," said my attorney.  "Punks like him only get in the
+way when they try to be serious."
+	"Speaking of serious," I said. "I think it's about time to get
+into the ether and the cocaine."
+	"Forget ether," he said. "Let's save it for soaking down the rug
+in the suite.  But here's this.  Your half of the sunshine blotter.  Just
+chew it up like baseball gum."
+	I took the blotter and ate it.  My attorney was now fumbling with
+the salt shaker containing the cocaine.  Opening it.  Spilling it.  Then
+screaming and grabbing at the air, as our fine white dust blew up and out
+across the desert highway.  A very expensive little twister rising up from
+the Great Red Shark.  "Oh, Jesus!" he moaned.  "Did you see what God just
+did to us?"
+		-- Raoul Duke, "Rolling Stone", issue 95, Nov. 11, 1971
+%
+	THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION
+
+ 1. WITTY AND CHARMING:  This is after one or two drinks.  The tongue is
+	loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain.  In the "witty
+	and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms and and
+	phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "No way, Jose" or
+	"Bullsheyet".
+ 2. RICH AND POWERFUL:  By the third drink, you begin mentioning the little
+	380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place.
+ 3. BENEVOLENT:  You'll buy her a Mercedes, too.  It's only money.
+ 4. JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT:  Stall tactic.
+ 5. TO HELL WITH DINNER:  Just one more and then we'll eat.
+ 6. PATRIOTIC:  The war stories begin.
+ 7. CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY":  "We could have won in Nam, but..."
+ 8. INVISIBLE:  So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like.
+ 9. WITTY AND CHARMING PART II:  You know, you don't sweat much for a fat girl.
+10. BULLETPROOF:  Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive.
+		-- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son
+		   of a Gun".
+%
+	The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did
+wonderfully in time trials.  However, in actual races he proved a little too
+romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.
+	So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be
+castrated.  The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue
+factory, took it philosophically.  After all, having the operation was
+almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.
+	After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time
+trials, and found to do as well as ever.  But the first time he actually
+ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look
+on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.
+	"What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"
+	"Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand
+people took one look at you and shouted `they're off!'?"
+%
+	The young man took a blind date to the amusement park.  They went
+for a ride on the Ferris wheel.  The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
+"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
+	"I wanna get weighed," she said.  So he took her over to the weight
+guesser.  Next they rode the roller coaster.  After that he bought her some
+popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
+	"I wanna get weighed," she said, bluntly.
+	I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the boy, and
+using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
+The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's
+wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
+	"Wousy," said the girl.
+%
+	There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism.  They go
+and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain
+from sex for thirty days.
+	Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest.  He asks
+the first couple if they passed the test.
+	"Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.
+	"Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter
+the Church."  Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.
+	"Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine
+until the 27th day.  My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and
+I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on.  I couldn't
+stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it
+to her right there."
+	"That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows.  "I can never let you into
+the Church after something like that."
+	"I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us
+into Safeway anymore either."
+%
+	There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in
+a bar having a few drinks together. 
+	The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to
+drive your wife wild in bed?"
+	"Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the
+garden and pick some roses.  Then I take the petals off and put them all over
+her body. then I gently blow them off with a soft, even breath, and that drives
+her wild with desire."
+	"Interesting," the Englishman replies.  "After my wife and I make love
+I massage baby oil gently all over her body -- that works for me!"
+Then the pair turn to the Newfie and ask him what he does.
+	"Well...", he says, "when me and the old lady are through, I jump
+out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain.  And that REALLY drives
+her wild."
+%
+	These two project managers were walking through a residential area
+one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its
+cock.  (Why do dogs do that?  Because they can).  Anyway, the first manager
+nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that!  That really looks like fun
+-- I wish I could do that!"
+	Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried
+it once, and the damn dog bit me!"
+%
+	"They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
+parents will be happy to see them.  I mean, really, can you imagine someone 
+being happy to see an orphan?  Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
+	The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
+Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the 
+whereabouts of their natural parents.  She is a woman with a mission:
+	"Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
+about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
+country.  We're completely computerized.
+	"The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
+leads as possible.  We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
+real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
+country.  Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared.  They
+look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
+yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
+I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
+	"Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.  
+He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
+	"It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with.  Last year
+we even sent one kid all the way to Australia.  I mean, really.  Besides, if
+your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
+		-- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
+%
+	This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks
+the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet.  It works: four
+months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem.
+He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be.  He calls
+up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry.  "There's a special
+surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him.  "Just
+come on over to the clinic."
+	"But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand.  I'm too
+embarrassed to be seen in public like this."
+	"Don't give it another thought," says the doctor.  "Simply pull up
+all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put
+on a top hat, and come on over."
+	The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he
+reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk,
+dying of self-consciousness.  "The doctor will be right with you," says the
+nurse.  "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?"
+	"My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?"
+%
+	This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters
+with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands
+dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him.
+	"Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks.
+	Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim,
+the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next
+requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position.
+	"Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the
+guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of
+being so helpless.
+	"Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door.  "I can't do a
+*thing* 'til my nails dry!"
+%
+	This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling
+good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair,
+sobbing  like crazy.  He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?"
+	"I...<sob, sniffle>...I'm 21 and I <choke> I've never been kissed...
+<sniffle>"
+	So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady.
+He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss.  This does wonders, and
+the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders
+away feeling wonderful.
+	Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and
+sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out.  Gallant to the
+end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?"
+	"I...I'm <sob, sniffle, sniffle> 21 and I've never been fucked..."
+	The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings
+her over to the shore, and throws her into the water.  "Now you're fucked!"
+%
+	Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge.
+The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for
+selling ties without a license.  "What do you do for a living?" the judge
+asked, pointing at the first girl.
+	"Your honor, I'm a model," she replied.
+	"Thirty days," was the sentence.  The judge turned to the second
+girl.  "What do you do for a living?" he asked.
+	"Your honor, I'm an actress."
+	"Thirty days."  Then he turned to the third girl.  "And how about
+you?" he demanded.
+	"Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute.  I'm not proud of it, but it's
+the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been
+laid off."
+	"For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence.
+Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out."  Now he turns to Feldstein,
+arrested for selling ties illegally.  "And you," he said, "what do you do
+for a living?"
+	"Your honor, I'm a prostitute.  I'm not proud..."
+%
+	Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally 
+ran out.  "I have an idea," croaked Al.  "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow
+shum money from my wife."
+	The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light, 
+and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man.
+This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to 
+affect the husband.
+	"Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he
+asked.
+	"Yes, yes," she snapped.  "Take my purse from the mantle, and for
+Pete's sake, turn off those lights."
+	Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's 
+enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me.  Pretty good, eh, old buddy?"
+	"But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle
+he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?"
+	"The hell with him," replied Al.  "Let him buy his own pint."
+%
+	Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club 
+car of a train headed east out of Chicago.
+	"I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to
+London?"
+	The American laughed.  "It was my home for two years during the war," 
+he said.  "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
+	The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did
+he say, Reggie?"
+	"He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman
+replied.
+	After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You 
+didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?"
+	The American almost fell off his chair.  "Hot Pants Hazel!" he 
+exclaimed.  "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months 
+just before I came back to the States!"
+	"What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
+	"He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.
+%
+	Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they
+were rear-ended by a huge semi.  Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the
+side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck
+driver.  "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked.
+	Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to 
+deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl,
+"Ah, why doncha suck my cock."
+	"Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going
+to be able to settle out of court."
+%
+	Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how
+to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say
+`ass' and I'll say `hell'".
+	All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their
+mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
+	"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
+His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room,
+and turns to the younger brother.  "What'll you have?"
+	"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
+it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
+%
+	Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about 
+their troubles.  "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife
+has cut me down to just once a week."
+	"That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse.  I know 
+two guys she's cut off altogether.
+%
+	Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering 
+the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the 
+mortuary, and the mortician began work.  When he had unclothed the corpse, he 
+noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well, 
+hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung.  He put the cork back, and 
+the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're 
+lookin' swell, Dolly!".  Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he 
+come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner
+asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally 
+the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop.  When he got there, he 
+said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at 
+this ungodly hour?" 
+	The man said, "Come into the embalming room."
+	They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now 
+watch."
+	He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The
+partner looks at him disgustedly and says:  "You brought me down here at
+three in the morning just to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"?
+%
+	Two women were walking down the street, when one nudges the other
+and says, "There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen
+roses, damn it.  That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for
+three days."
+	Replies her friend, "Well, why don't you buy a vase?"
+
+%
+	We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the
+drugs began to take hold.  I remember saying something like "I feel a bit
+lightheaded; maybe you should drive...."  And suddenly there was a terrible
+roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all
+swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a
+hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas.  And a voice was
+screaming: "Holy Jesus!  What are these goddamn animals?"
+	Then it was quiet again.  My attorney had taken his shirt off and
+was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process.  "What the
+hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his
+eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sungalsses.  "Never mind,"
+I said.  "It's your turn to drive."  I hit the brakes and aimed the Great
+Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway.  No point in mentioning the
+bats, I thought.  The poor bastard will see them soon enough.
+		-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas:
+		A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream"
+%
+	Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
+great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).  Anyway, he just felt
+so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS
+THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
+	And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no
+one is mightier than you."
+	A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
+"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
+	The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
+stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
+	The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
+quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
+THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
+	Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
+him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
+orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
+	The tiger staggers to his feet, looks at the elephant and says: "Man,
+you don't have to get so pissed, just because you don't know the answer!"
+%
+	Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner.
+She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said,
+"Well ma'am, we got some Damn ham here for $3.50 a pound..."  Needless to
+say, she was surprised at the butcher's language!  The butcher, who was
+reasonably astute, noticed the alarmed look on the woman's face, and quickly
+justified himself.  "No, no, ma'am, I wasn't cursin', the NAME of this here
+ham is "Damn ham".  Amused, the woman requested some "Damn ham."
+	That night, before dinner, the woman took her husband aside and
+explained what had happened at the butcher shop.  He also was amused, and
+suggested that they play a joke on their son.  So, at dinner, after grace,
+the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham."
+	Their son looked up, surprised.  "WHOAH!  Dad be gettin' hip!
+How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?"
+%
+	When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
+operation, the young woman asked him somewhat hesitantly how long
+it would be before she could resume her sex life.
+	"I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon.
+"You're the first patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
+%
+	When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
+that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
+hands.  Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
+to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil.  This is a happy
+but fleeting state of affairs.  Usually your feelings die about thirty
+seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
+invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
+sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty.  Wanna get high?
+	Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
+It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
+Rumania.
+		-- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
+%
+	While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
+the woods and disappear across the clearing.  Just as she got out of sight, 
+three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
+"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
+	"Yes," replied the hunter.  "What's the trouble?"
+	"She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
+then.  We're trying to catch her."
+	"I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
+carrying a bucket of sand?"
+	"That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
+%
+	While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself
+out of money just as her visa expired.  Unable to pay her passage back to
+France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting
+proposition.  "My ship is sailing tonight," he said.  "I'll smuggle you
+aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets
+and food.  All it will cost you is a little love."
+	The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on
+board his vessel.  Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large
+tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway
+and departed.  The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned
+into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one
+evening and followed him.  After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he
+waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding
+an explanation.  She told him the whole story.
+	"Hmmm," mused the captian.  "A clever arrangement, and I must say I
+admire that young seaman's ingenuity.  However, miss, I feel it is only fair
+to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry."
+%
+	"Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last
+night?" demanded the irate mother.
+"I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour."
+	"But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the
+movies you ought to at least kiss him good night."
+	"I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother.
+	"We did."
+%
+	With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
+Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before.  "What's the trouble,
+buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
+	"It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
+	"I guessed that much.  Tell me about it."
+	"I can't," Conrad said.  But after a few more drinks his tongue
+and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
+"Okay. It's your wife."
+	"My wife!!"
+	"Yeah."
+	"What about her?"
+	Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
+his pal.  "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
+%
+	"Yes, sir, the bowling ball nipple rings in black.  Will there
+be anything else?"
+%
+	You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an
+elephant in the bed with her.  Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you 
+up in the bar last night?"
+	"Uh-huh," the  elephant replies.
+	"Did I bring you home?"
+	"Uh-huh."
+	"Did we, uh, fool around?"
+	"Uh-huh."
+	"Lord, I must have been tight!"
+	"Not any more."
+%
+... and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers.  No matter how assured
+we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful
+inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions.  This is true in religion
+as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the
+naive.  As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we
+might be advised to leave them to heaven.  They will not, unfortunately, do
+us the same courtesy.  They attack us and each other, and whatever their
+protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear
+that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword.  My own belief in
+God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge.  My respect
+for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most
+virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth.  But even well-educated Christians are
+frustated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus
+because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record.  Such ambiguity
+is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar
+is perfectly aware of it.  Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to
+obscure such reality.
+		-- Steve Allen
+%
+... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed
+beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and
+quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's
+wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at
+the same time.  Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald
+had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all
+concerned...
+I gan noo wha ma organs gan
+When oft I lay abed			I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur
+So rither hang me upside doon		That smelt so mooch of sweat
+Than by ma empty head.			For she was iver sweet and pure
+					And iver her purse was wet.
+But old Sir Oswald allus stank
+Of horse and hound and dung		So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree
+And when I chose to breech his rank	And draw ma innards out
+Was barrel to my bung.			That all the wald around may see
+					What I have done without.
+But ere ye come to draw ma heart
+Na do it all so quick			So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry
+But prise the arse of Oswald 'part	'Tis all the same to me
+And bring me back ma prick.		I canna wait for him to die
+					Afore I have a pee.
+		-- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry"
+%
+10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
+
+ 1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
+ 2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
+ 3. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
+ 4. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
+ 5. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
+ 6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
+ 7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
+ 8. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
+ 9. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.
+10. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
+%
+10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
+
+ 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
+ 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers'
+	quarterback.
+ 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
+ 4. You don't have to let a beer win.
+ 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
+	sleep with it beer, too.
+ 6. A beer helps with the houswork.
+ 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
+ 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
+ 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
+10. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
+%
+10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
+
+ 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
+ 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers'
+	quarterback.
+ 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
+ 4. You don't have to let a beer win.
+ 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
+	sleep with it, too.
+ 6. A beer helps with the houswork.
+ 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
+ 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
+ 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
+10. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
+%
+10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
+
+ 1. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
+ 2. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car.
+ 3. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
+ 4. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
+ 5. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
+ 6. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
+ 7. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
+ 8. A beer doesn't snore.
+ 9. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
+10. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
+%
+10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
+
+ 1. Beer understands the difference between shooting down an unidentified
+	aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
+ 2. A beer would never own a car with an automatic transmission.
+ 3. A beer never fishes for compliments.
+ 4. Beer tastes good.
+ 5. A beer can enjoy an evening of watching "Johnny-the-Wadd-Holmes' Greatest
+	Hits" as much as you do.
+ 6. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
+ 7. A beer won't ask you to pick up some tampons when you go to the store.
+ 8. Beer never asks you to change the station.
+ 9. A beer won't fill up your 'Vette with 85-octane gas because it's twenty
+	cents less expensive.
+10. A beer won't make you eat experimental vegetarian meals that taste
+	like grass.
+%
+10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
+
+ 1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
+ 2. Beer stains wash out.
+ 3. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
+ 4. Beer never makes you wait.
+ 5. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
+ 6. Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family".
+ 7. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
+ 8. Beer doesn't demand equality.
+ 9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
+10. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
+%
+15 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
+
+ 1. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
+ 2. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
+ 3. A beer won't steal all the covers.
+ 4. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer.
+ 5. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
+ 6. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
+ 7. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
+ 8. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
+ 9. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
+10. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
+11. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
+12. A beer won't talk about the women who had it before you.
+13. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series.
+14. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
+15. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe".  Or "Sugar".
+%
+18th Rule of Friendship:
+	A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof
+	to install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you
+	ever saw.
+		-- Esquire, May 1977
+%
+20 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN
+ 1. A beer never leaves the toilet seat up.
+ 2. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
+ 3. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
+ 4. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
+ 5. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
+ 6. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
+ 7. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
+ 8. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
+ 9. A beer won't steal the covers.
+10. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
+11. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
+12. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
+13. A beer tastes good.
+14. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
+15. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback.
+16. You don't have to let a beer win.
+17. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
+18. A beer will never call you "Babe".  Or "Sugar-hips".
+19. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
+20. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
+%
+667 -- The neighbor of the beast.
+%
+68:
+	Do me now and I'll owe you one.
+%
+6802 hackers make great use of the SEX instruction.
+%
+69 + 69 = dinner for 4.
+%
+71:
+	69 with two fingers up your ass.
+		-- George Carlin
+%
+7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
+	The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
+	Redwood Forest.
+
+7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
+	The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
+	Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
+%
+8 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
+
+ 1. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
+ 2. A beer doesn't care when you come.
+ 3. Beer doesn't have a mother.
+ 4. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
+ 5. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy
+	"just for the articles".
+ 6. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
+ 7.  Beer doesn't always want to go to the 'powder room' with everyone
+	else's beer.
+ 8. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't
+	make you ill.
+%
+A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch.  He'd been prospecting for 
+more than a year.  
+	"Hey!  Y'got any wimmen around here?"
+	"Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room."
+	"I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled.  He
+downed his drink and left disgustedly.
+A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again.
+He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through
+this part of town?"
+	"Nope.  Nary a one.  But we still got George in the back room."
+	Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of 
+thing," and turned on his heel and left.
+	Within a year he came back from his mine again.  With a wild look on
+his face he re-entered the saloon.  Leaning over the bar he whispered to the
+bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people
+'round here would know?"
+	"Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess."
+	"Seven!?"
+	"Yep.  You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down.  You see,
+George don't go for that kind of thing neither."
+%
+A 6'8", 280-pound Southerner walked into a NY bar, sat down next to a
+patron, and said, "Ah'm big, and ah'm bad, and I *loves* to fuck Northern
+women!"  The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out
+of the bar.
+	The Rebel moved over to the next guy and said, "Ah'm big and ah'm
+bad and I *loves* to fuck New York women."  The guy took one look at him,
+blanched and ran out of the bar.
+	The man then went over to a short little guy with "Bronx" written
+all over him.  "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck your sister."
+	The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame
+you one bit.  She's *got* to be an improvement on yours."
+%
+A bad little girl in Madrid,
+A most reprehensible kid,
+	Told her Tante Louise
+	That her cunt smelled like cheese,
+And the worst of it was that it did!
+%
+A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself.
+	"What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired.
+	"You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!"
+	"What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked.
+	"It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody."
+%
+A bather whose clothing was strewed
+By breezes that left her quite nude,
+	Saw a man come along
+	And, unless I am wrong,
+You expected this line to be lewd.
+%
+A bather whose clothing was strewed
+By breezes that left her quite nude,
+	Saw a man come along
+	And, unless I'm quite wrong,
+You expected this line to be lewd.
+%
+A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of
+six.  One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully
+sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from
+another shipwreck that morning.  After they got over their initial surprise
+at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he had been alone on
+this barren bit of land.
+	"Almost twenty years," he answered.
+	"Twenty years!" she exclaimed.  "But how ever did you survive?"
+	"Oh, I fish, dig for clams, and gather berries and coconuts," he
+replied.
+	"And what do you do for sex?" she asked.
+	"What's that?"  He looked puzzled.
+	Whereupon the maiden pulled the innocent young man down onto the sand
+beside her and proceeded to demonstrate.  After they had finished, she asked
+how he had enjoyed it.
+	"Great!" was the reply.  "But look what it did to my clamdigger!"
+%
+A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
+I am not I, I'm a tree."
+	But another, more sane,
+	Shouted, "I'm a great dane "
+And covered his pants leg with pee.
+%
+A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
+I am not I, I'm a tree."
+	But another, more sane,
+	Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
+And covered his pants leg with pee.
+%
+A beautiful belle of Del Norte
+Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty
+	Because during the day
+	She says: "Boys, keep away!"
+But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
+%
+A beautiful lady named Psyche
+Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
+	One thing about Ike
+	The lady can't like
+Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
+%
+A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
+purgatory for the purse. 
+%
+A beautiful, voluptous woman goes to see a gynecologist.  The doctor takes
+one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past.  Right
+away he tells her to undress.  After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her
+thigh.  As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
+	"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
+abnormalities."
+	"Correct," says the doctor.  He then begins to fondle her breasts.
+"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says.
+	"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
+cancer."
+	"That's right," replies the doctor.  He then gradually proceeds to
+having sexual intercourse with her.  "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing
+now?"
+	"Yes," she says.  "You're getting herpes."
+%
+A beetling young woman named Pridgets
+Had a violent abhorrence of midgets;
+	Off the end of a wharf
+	She once pushed a dwarf
+Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A big store buyer had been on the road for nearly two months.  Each week he
+would send his wife a telegram saying,
+	"Can't come home yet.  Still buying."
+His wife knew that these buying trips usually involved more than business.
+She tolerated this particular jaunt for a while, but when the third month
+rolled by and she'd still seen nothing of her husband but the weekly telegrams,
+she wired him,
+	"Better come home.  I'm selling what you're buying."
+%
+A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
+Sold cigars at a key-club concession.
+	When she swiveled about
+	Even strong men cried out,
+For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
+%
+A bisexual chap name of Lunt
+Taught himself an unusual stunt.
+He could peel back his spout
+Turn the skin inside out
+Like a glove, to be used as a cunt!
+%
+A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow.
+%
+A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing
+into trees.  At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same
+forest, with identical results.  They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing.
+	"Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally,"
+apologized the rabbit.
+	"That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same
+problem!"
+	"All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do
+you think you could help me find out?"
+	"I'll try," said the snake.  He gently coiled himself around the
+rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail
+and long ears.  You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!"
+	"Great!" said the rabbit.  "Thanks, I really owe you one!"
+	"Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either.  Do you
+suppose you could try and tell me?"
+	The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake.  "Well, you're low, cold
+and slimey..."  And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have
+no balls.  You must be an attorney!"
+%
+A bobby of Nottingham Junction
+Whose organ had long ceased to function
+	Deceived his good wife
+	For the rest of her life
+With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
+%
+A broken-down harlot named Tupps
+Was heard to confess in her cups:
+	"The height of my folly
+	Was diddling a collie-
+But I got a nice price for the pups."
+%
+A broken-down harlot named Tupps
+Was heard to confess in her cups:
+	"The height of my folly
+	Was fucking a collie --
+But I got a nice price for the pups."
+%
+A burleyque dancer, a pip
+Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
+	But she read science fiction
+	And died of constriction
+Attempting a Moebius strip.
+		-- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"
+%
+A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar.
+Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute
+and that her price was $500.  He was taken aback by the price, but after
+a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room.  She spent a few
+minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him
+masturbating furiously on the bed.  "What are you doing?", she asked.
+	"Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!"
+%
+A busy young lady named Gloria
+Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
+	And then by six men,
+	Sir Gerald again,
+And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
+%
+A cabin boy on an old clipper
+Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
+	He plugged up his ass
+	With fragments of glass
+And thus circumcised his old skipper.
+%
+A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick
+fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off
+the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car.
+	The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate
+to be alive.  The Catholic crossed himself.  Then the Protestant crossed
+himself in an accentuated manner.
+	"Hey," said the Catholic, "I why did you cross yourself, you're not
+Catholic!"
+	"Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again,
+"spectacles, testicals, wallet, pen."
+%
+A cautious young fellow named Lodge
+Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
+	When his date was strapped in,
+	He committed a sin,
+Without even leaving his grodge.
+%
+A cautious young fellow named Lodge,
+Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
+	With his date all strapped in
+	He committed a sin
+Without even leaving the garage.
+		-- "A Boy and His Dog"
+%
+A cautious young fellow named Tunney
+Had a whang that was worth any money.
+	When eased in half-way,
+	The girl's sigh made him say,
+"Why the sigh?"  "For the rest of it, honey."
+%
+A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar
+by starting a gimmick involving a horse.  His claim was that if anyone could
+get the horse to laugh, he would give them drinks on the house.  The idea
+worked well and business improved until one night a young man walked in and
+whispered in the horse's ear.  The horse immediately burst into hysterical
+laughter and the man won the contest.  The next night the same thing
+happened: the man whispered in the horse's ear and the horse burst out
+laughing.  The next night, the bartender decided to change the rules.  Now,
+a person had to get the horse to cry in order to win the drinks on the
+house.  Later on that night, the same guy came in and said "Can I take the
+horse into the bathroom for a minute?  I promise I'll make him cry."  The
+bartender agreed and sure enough, when the man came out leading the horse,
+the horse was crying his eyes out.  The bartender could take it no more and
+said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?"
+	"I told him that my dick was bigger than his", replied the man.
+	"How did you make him cry tonight?"
+	"I proved it."
+%
+A certain young man, it was noted,
+Went about in the heat thickly-coated;
+	He said, "You may scoff,
+	But I shan't take it off;
+Underneath I am horribly bloated."
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A certain young person of Ghent,
+Uncertain if lady or gent,
+	Shows his organs at large
+	For a small handling charge
+To assist him in paying the rent.
+%
+A certain young sheik of Algiers
+Said to his harem, "My dears,
+	Though you may think it odd of me,
+	I'm tired of just sodomy
+Let's try straight fucking."  (loud cheers!)
+%
+A chap down in Oklahoma
+Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
+	But the sweetness of pitch
+	Couldn't put off the hitch
+Of impotence, size and aroma.
+%
+A charmer from old Amarillo,
+Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
+	Decided one day
+	That to keep men away
+She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
+%
+A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
+Had a pussy as large as a muff.
+	It had room for both hands
+	And some intimate glands,
+And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
+%
+A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
+%
+A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
+Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
+		-- Thomas Ybarra
+%
+A clergical student named Simms
+Hums liturgical tunes while he rims:
+	A nice piece of ass
+	Gets the B-Minor Mass ...
+All the others get Anglican hymns.
+%
+A clerical student named Pryne
+Through pain sought to reach the divine:
+	He wore a hair shirt,
+	Quite often ate dirt,
+And bathed every Friday in brine.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A clever young man named Eugene
+Invented a jack-off machine.
+	On the twenty-third stroke
+	The fuckin' thing broke
+And beat both his balls to a creame.
+%
+A clever young man named Eugene
+Invented a jack-off machine.
+	On the twenty-third stroke
+	The goddam thing broke
+And beat both his balls to a creame.
+%
+A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica;
+most men know it's there, but few really care.
+%
+A cocksucking steno named Beeman
+Remarked as she swallowed my semen :
+	"On my minuscule salary
+	 I must watch every calorie,
+So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
+%
+A computer called Illiac4
+Had a rather tough bug in its core.
+	It chewed up its cards
+	And spewed yards and yards
+Of illegible tape on the floor.
+%
+A computer, to print out a fact,
+Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
+	But this output can be
+	No more than debris,
+If the input was short of exact.
+		-- Gigo
+%
+A contortionist hailing from Lynch
+Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
+	A foot cost a quid --
+	He could and he did
+Stretch it to three in a pinch.
+%
+A corpulent maiden named Kroll
+Had a notion exceedingly droll:
+	At a masquerade ball,
+	Dressed in nothing at all,
+She backed in as a Parker House roll.
+%
+A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.
+
+		[something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack?  Ed.]
+%
+A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by
+chance their seats were next to the elephant pen.  When his father left
+to buy popcorn, the boy piped up,
+	"Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
+	"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
+	"No, not that."
+	"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
+	"No, Mom.  Down underneath."
+	His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."
+	Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get
+a soda.  As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.
+	"That's the elephant's trunk, son."
+	"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is.  The thing at the
+other end."
+	"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
+	"No.  Down there."
+	The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's
+penis."
+	"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
+	The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled*
+that woman."
+%
+A couple was fishing near Clombe
+When the maid began looking quite glum,
+	And said, "Bother the fish!
+	I'd rather coish!"
+Which they did -- which was why they had come.
+%
+A cowhand way out in Seattle
+Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
+	He said, "No, I can't fuck
+	A lamb or a duck,
+But golly! it just fits the cattle."
+%
+A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
+And had an affair with a Saracen.
+	She was not oversexed,
+	Or jealous or vexed,
+She just wanted to make a comparison.
+%
+A CS student named Lin
+Had a prick the size of a pin
+	It was no good for girls
+	But just great for squirrels
+Who squealed with delight with it in.
+%
+A cute little twerp from Samoa
+Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
+	It was good for keyholes
+	And debutantes' peeholes
+But not worth a damn on a whoa.
+%
+A daredevil skater named Lowe,
+Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
+	But is proudest of doing,
+	Some incredible screwing,
+Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
+%
+A deep-throated virgin named Netty
+Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
+	She said, "It tastes nice,
+	Much better than rice,
+Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
+%
+A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.
+		-- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
+%
+A delighted, incredulous bride
+Remarked to her groom at her side :
+	"I never could quite
+	 Believe till tonight
+Our anatomies would coincide."
+%
+A dentist, young doctor Malone,
+Got a charming girl patient alone,
+	And, in his depravity,
+	Filled the wrong cavity.
+God, how his practice has grown.
+%
+A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
+With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
+	Let his third-story front,
+	To a willing young cunt,
+Who supplied him a new lease on life!
+%
+A desperate spinster from Clare
+Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
+	And prayed to her God
+	For a romp on the sod--
+'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
+%
+A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
+Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
+	As quick as a glance
+	He stripped off his pants,
+But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
+%
+A doctoral student from Buckingham
+Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
+	But a dropout from paree
+	Taught him Gamahuchee
+- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
+%
+A doctoral student from Buckingham
+Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
+	But a dropout from paree
+	Taught him Gamahuchee
+So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
+%
+A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
+Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
+	She blew her vagina
+	To South Carolina,
+And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
+
+A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
+Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
+	They found her vagina,
+	In South Carolina,
+And part of her ass in Brazil.
+%
+A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
+Whose overworked sex is all callous,
+	Wore the foreskin away
+	On uncircumcised Ray,
+Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
+%
+A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
+Wished to foster an aura of menace;
+	To make people afraid
+	He wore gloves of grey suede
+And white footgear intended for tennis.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
+Wished to foster an aura of menace.
+	To make people afraid
+	He wore gloves of grey suede
+And white footgear intended for tennis.
+		-- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
+%
+A drunk was sitting at the end of the bar in a popular single's place,
+watching a young, good-looking man working his way through the women.  The
+guy didn't appear to be having much luck, and he was only spending a few
+moments with each woman.  As he worked his way closer, while he couldn't
+hear what the young man was saying, he realized that the women were somewhat
+shocked at his approach.  Finally, the man approaches a pretty brunette and
+they hit it off immediately.  After a bit of quiet conversation, she handed
+the young man her hotel key and they started off for the elevators.  As they
+passed the drunk, he stopped the lucky one and asked him what his method was.
+	"Well," the man replied, "It's simple.  You say 'Tickle your ass
+with a feather?'  If she sounds interested, you take it from there.  If she
+sounds angry, you smile and say 'Typically nasty weather.'"
+	The drunk says "Ohhhhh, got it, I got it!" and walks over to a woman
+at the end of the bar to try out his new approach.  Getting her attention,
+he smiles and says "Fuck me!"
+	"What?!?!?" she screams.
+	"Raining like hell, isn't it?"
+%
+A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
+%
+A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation.  He rented a boat,
+rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
+down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
+on the bottom of the lake.  He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
+station.  "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
+drowned in the lake!"
+	"Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
+more chain than he can swim with?"
+%
+A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
+A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
+%
+A friend of mine received a note through the mail advising him,
+	"If you don't stop making love to my wife, I'll kill you."
+The trouble is, the note wasn't signed.
+%
+A friendly message from your Internal Revenue Service: tax time is
+coming again soon.  Bend over.
+%
+A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how
+hard it was to get any sleep.
+	"I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a
+drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
+	"That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
+	"At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out."
+%
+A game can by God repent or we'll punish it.
+That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century,
+and that's how we'll do it now.
+		-- Dick Hamlet
+%
+A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works.
+		-- Bobby Knight
+%
+A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
+it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
+%
+A gorgeous young sophomore is having an affair with her English
+professor.  She goes home to visit her family for Christmas vacation
+and when she gets back, she immediately invites him over for the
+night.  As soon as he walks through the door she hugs him and
+asks, "Were you blue while I was away?"
+	"Blown, my dear," the professor corrects her, "blown."
+%
+A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that
+the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war
+with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces.  She invited him to come in and
+speak to the class.  The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with
+a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down.
+	"We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held
+territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 fokkers diving on us from above."
+At the first mention of `fokkers' the class giggled a little bit.
+	"Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting.  As we
+fought, we noticed 2 more fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more
+fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle".
+At this second and third mention of `fokkers' the class was almost laughing
+openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain
+to the class that a 'fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the
+German Air Force.
+	He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts".
+%
+A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which
+they hoped would prove to be the missing link.  The proof of their theory,
+however, required that a human mate with the animal so that they could see
+what characteristics the offspring would assume.  Needing volunteers, the
+scientists placed an ad in the paper: "$5000 to mate with ape."
+	Almost immediately, they received response from a man who said he
+would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions.
+	"First," he said, "my wife must never know.  Second, any children
+must be baptized.  And, third, I'd have to pay in installments."
+%
+A guest in a household quite charmless
+Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
+	"If you're caught unawares
+	At the head of the stairs,
+Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest
+girl there.
+	"This is a very special frog," he informs her.  "His name is Charlie."
+	"What's so special about this frog?" she asks.
+He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that,
+	"This frog can eat pussy."
+The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her
+a filthy lie.  But no, he assures her, it's completely true.  And after much
+discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action.
+She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and
+says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!"  The frog is immobile, despite his
+owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker.
+	"Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!"
+	"C'mon Charlie, do your stuff!"
+By now, the girl is laughing openly.
+	"Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm
+only going to show you one more time."
+%
+A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it
+into a urinal.  Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar
+and repeats this sequence -- several times.  Finally the bartender got so
+curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing.
+	Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman."
+%
+A habit depraved and unsavory
+Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
+	Midst screeches and howls
+	He deflowered young owls
+Which he kept in an underground aviary
+%
+A habit obscene and bizarre,
+Has taken a-hold of papa.
+	He brings home young camels
+	And other odd mammals,
+And gives them a go at mama.
+%
+A habit obscene and unsavory,
+Holds a CS professor in slavery.
+	With maniacal howls,
+	He deflowers young owls,
+That he keeps in an underground aviary.
+%
+A hacker who screwed a mag tape
+Was caught and convicted of rape.
+	To jail he did go,
+	From which, to his woe
+He couldn't get out with ESC.
+%
+A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
+Made love to the drive of his disk.
+	The thing circumsized him,
+	Which rather suprised him.
+He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
+%
+A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush.
+%
+A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird.
+%
+A hard man is good to find.
+%
+A huge Rambolike fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of
+the bar.  After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his
+right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers.  Anyone have a problem with
+that?"
+	When no one said a word, the brawny fellow ordered another whiskey,
+downed it in one gulp, turned to the five men on his left and said, "You're
+all cocksuckers.  Anyone have a problem with that?"
+	Everybody on the left stared silently into his drink.  Suddenly, a man
+on the right stood up and started walking toward the big guy.  "Hey, asshole!"
+the thug bellowed.  "You got a problem with what I said?"
+	"No problem at all," came the reply.  "I was just sitting at the wrong
+end of the bar."
+%
+A hunter saved a native boy from a boa constrictor.  In gratitude, the boy gave
+the hunter a magic gorilla prick.  The lad said the prick would do anything you
+told it to do until you told it to do something else.  When the hunter returned
+home to England, he put the magic gorilla prick on the mantle along with some
+of his other trophies.  His wife thought it quaint and his story charming.  But
+soon, the hunter went a-safariing again.  He was away for months.  One evening,
+the woman eyed the MGP carefully and whispered, "Gorilla Prick, fuck me."
+Whereupon the thing jumped off the mantle and began to bang her with great
+thoroughness and ferocity.  For the first twenty minutes it was pure heaven,
+but after the next few minutes it became fatiguing, and she said, "Stop it,
+Gorilla Prick," but it didn't.  After a bit more she was screaming "Stop!
+Stop!" at the thing and trying to pull it out of her smoking hole.  But nothing
+worked.  Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams.
+	"Saunders, help me please!"
+	"But what is it, Madame?"
+	"It's a Magic Gorilla Prick!"
+	"Gorilla prick, my ass!! ... AAAaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii!!!!!!"
+%
+A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.  When
+she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.  The man shouted,
+"What, no wool?  In my country all women have wool down there."
+	The prostitute snapped back,  "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
+%
+A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
+the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska.  He drove for three days
+and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
+line.  He halted his car and walked up to the border guard.  "Hi, there!  How
+do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
+	The guard looked him up and down and grinned.  "Waal," he answered,
+there are three things you gotta do to get in.  First, drink down a quart of
+110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'.  Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
+third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
+	"Sounds easy enough," said the Texan.  "Where can I get a quart of
+this here corn liquor?"
+	"Got one right here," replied the guard.
+	The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
+"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
+	"Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
+a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
+	The Texan lurched merrily off.  About an hour later he returned
+with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody.  He was
+smiling happily.  "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
+want killed?"
+%
+A lisping fag fell off a pleasure yacht and began to scream.  "Help! Help, I
+can't thwim!"  One of the other passengers heard the caterwauling and leaned
+over the rail, remarking, "Really, there's no need to scream.  Just reach out
+and grab that buoy near you."  To which the floundering sodomite answered,
+"Buoy!  Oh, thith ith no time for thekth, you degenerate... I'm dwowning!"
+%
+A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.
+		-- Norman Mailer
+%
+A little Mexican boy comes home from school one day and says to his grand-
+father, "Granddaddy, today my teacher said that Pancho Villa, the bandit
+used to raid towns around here!  Did you ever know him?"
+	"Do *I* know Pancho Villa?" exclaims the man.  "Why, boy, before
+your father was born, I was riding into town on my horse.  Suddenly, from
+behind the bushes leaped Pancho with his six-guns drawn!  He told me to get
+down off the horse and to give him all my money.  Then, he told me to scoop
+some manure from the ground and eat it!"
+	"I refused at first, but Pancho had the guns, so I ate the shit.
+And he started laughing so hard that it scared his horse into rearing up --
+I grabbed the guns from his hands!  I said to Pancho, `Okay, Pancho, now
+it's your turn -- you eat the shit!'  I had the guns, so he ate the shit.
+	"And you ask me, child, if I know Pancho Villa, the bandit!  Why,
+we had *lunch* together!"
+%
+A lively case was in progress in the District Court at Lick Skillet. Judge
+Flannery was presiding, and on the witness stand was Tush Bumpass.
+	"From where ah was standin'", drawled Tush, "Ah could see he'd
+backed 'er up agin' thet there wall, and ef Ah ever sawed a screwin' match,
+thet one wuz!"
+	"Mr. Bumpass," the Judge interrupted, "I'd prefer that you not use
+the word 'screw' in the courtroom. Say 'intercourse' instead."
+	Tush looked puzzled. "Intercourse?  Whut's thet, Judge?"
+	His Honor sighed.  "It's a technicality of language that you're
+probably not aware of.  Never mind.  Please continue."
+	"Well, like ah said, he had 'er shoved up agin' thet wall, an' he
+was... uh... intercoursin' 'er, an' he give 'er the crossjostle, the Chicago
+Stroke, an she let out with a holler thet..."
+	"One moment," interrupted the Bench. "What is this, ah, Chicago
+Stroke, Mr. Bumpass?"
+	"Well, thet's a technicality of screwin', Judge, thet you're probably
+not aware of!"
+%
+A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
+		-- Thomas Hardy
+%
+A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
+		-- Carrie Snow
+%
+A man always needs to remember one thing about
+a beautiful woman.  Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
+%
+A man and a woman got married.  Although it is the first time for the
+husband, it is the woman's second marriage.  As they go to bed on their
+wedding night, the wife says to her husband:
+
+	"Dear, there's something I must tell you.  I'm a virgin."
+Naturally, the husband is surprised.
+	"You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a
+virgin?"
+	"Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a
+computer programmer."
+	"What's so odd about that?", he asked.  "Why would you still be
+a virgin after a marriage to a programmer?"
+	"Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and
+tell me how great it was going to be."
+%
+A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
+who swore how much they were in love.  To quiet the enraged husband, the
+lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy.  If I win,
+you get a divorce so I can marry her.  If you win, I promise never to see
+her again.  Okay?"
+	"Alright," agreed the husband.  "But how about a quarter a point
+on the side to make it interesting?"
+%
+A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
+or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
+		-- Joan Rivers
+%
+A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke.  The man sitting
+next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
+Polish."
+	He then calls out, "Ivan!  Come over here and bring your brother."
+Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
+	"Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
+with you."  Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
+the joke.
+	"Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
+	"Nah," says the man.
+	"Oh, no?  And why not?  I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
+man, opening and closing his fist.  "Are you scared?"
+	"No," replies the man.  "I just don't feel like having to explain it
+five times."
+%
+A man goes into a hospital for a routine appendectomy.  When he wakes up
+from the anesthesia, he sees a large group of doctors gathered anxiously
+around his bed.
+	"What happened?" he asks worriedly.
+	"Well," says one of the doctors, "there was a small clerical error,
+and you got mixed-up with another patient.  Instead of an appendectomy, we
+performed a sex-change operation.  Your penis has been removed and a vagina
+has been crafted into place."
+	"WHAT!!!" screams the man.  "That's horrible!  What am I going to
+tell my wife?  Can't you reverse it?  This means I'm never going to experience
+another erection!"
+	"Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of
+course, have to be someone else's."
+%
+A man is as old as the woman he feels.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno.  By the roadside he
+sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up.  As the man gets into his
+car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car.
+	"All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off."
+	"What!?" says the man, disbelievingly.
+	"Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker.
+	So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right,
+I did what you wanted, can I go now?"
+	"Nope," says the hijacker.  "Do it again."
+	"Again?" the driver exclaims.  "I just did it."
+	"Do it again."
+	It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again.
+Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave.
+	"Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more
+time."
+	The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat.  It takes him
+twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time.
+	"Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?"
+	"Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun.  "And this is my daughter;
+I want you to drive her into Salerno."
+%
+A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman
+for companionship.  The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well
+until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at
+which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared.  Months later,
+a raft drifts into sight.  The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it,
+takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her.
+	"You are so good to me," she responds gratefully.  "I'd do absolutely
+anything to show my gratitude."
+	"Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope
+that holds up his ragged pants.  "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash
+and take that damn dog for a walk!"
+%
+A man is playing golf at a very exclusive country club when he hits a hole-
+in-one.  As he takes his ball from the cup, a genie appears.
+	"Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish.  What
+is your heart's desire?"
+	"Great!", replies the man.  I want a longer penis."
+	"Your wish is granted," says the genie, and promptly disappears.
+	As the golfer continues through the rest of the course he can
+feel his penis slowly growing, to an extent that it's becoming uncomfortable.
+By the time he completes the 18th hole it's extended down his pants leg to
+his knee.  Thinking to himself that this isn't quite what he had in mind, he
+grabs a bucket of balls and heads back out onto the course.  Three weeks later,
+he manages another hole-in-one and the genie reappears.
+	"Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish.  What
+is your heart's desire?"
+	"Yeah, I know all that," replies the man.  "Listen, could you make
+my legs longer?"
+%
+A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick"
+contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000.
+	"Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing
+out in public!"
+	"But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money."
+	"I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot.  "I don't want you
+showing that thing to everybody."
+	And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening
+when he hands her $1000.
+	"Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want
+you to?" she asks.
+	"Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says.  "I thought we could use
+the money."
+	"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says,
+tears welling up in her eyes.
+	"Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win."
+%
+A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
+longest procession he's ever seen.  It seems to consist of the hearse,
+followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
+other men.  After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
+no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
+	"Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
+but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen.  What happened, who is
+the funeral for?"
+	"Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
+in-law of the man at the front of the procession.  You see, his Doberman
+attacked and killed her."
+	"That's awful!", replies the onlooker.  "But... um... tell me, you
+don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
+	"Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
+%
+A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
+antennae coming out of his head.  He goes up to him and says, "You're not
+from around here, are you?"
+	"No," replies the man with the antennae.
+	"You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
+either.  In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
+	"Right again," says the man with four arms.  "I'm from Mars."
+	"Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
+there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
+	"We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
+	"Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
+big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
+Martians have that?"
+	"Well, no," says the Martian.  "Not the *goyim*."
+%
+A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
+bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
+		-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
+%
+A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
+%
+A man never minds being in the doghouse
+as long as he can get his tail outside.
+%
+A man rushed into a bar and breathlessly asked the bartender to pour him
+three straight scotches.  The bartender complied, and watched as he downed
+them one after another.
+	"Why three scotches?" the bartender asked as he paused for breath.
+	"Well, to be honest, I'm celebrating my first blow-job."
+	"Hell, congratulations, the next one's on me."
+	"No, thanks," the young man replied, "if the first three didn't get
+the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one will."
+%
+A man sat down next to another passenger on a train recently and couldn't
+help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man standing on
+the train platform.
+	"Thanks for putting me up while I was here, Sam," said the passenger.
+	"Glad to do it," said the other man.
+	"Thanks for the food and the drinks -- everything was wonderful."
+	"It was a pleasure," said the man.
+	"And thank your wife, Sam, she was great," said the passenger,
+"she was a truly great lay."
+	The man was rather taken aback by this exchange and he later turned
+to his fellow passenger and said: "Pardon me sir, but did I understand you
+to say that your friend's wife was a great lay?"
+	"Well," said the other passenger, "I didn't REALLY enjoy it.  But
+Sam is a helluva nice guy."
+%
+A man walks into the doctor's office and the doctor says to him, "I've got
+some good news and some bad news."
+	"Tell me the good news first" the patient replies.
+	"The good news is that your penis is going to be about two inches
+longer and about an inch wider," the doctor says.
+	"That's great!" says his patient.  "What's the bad news?"
+	"Malignant."
+%
+A man was playing golf one day when a little frog hopped out the water at a
+water hazard and croaked,  "I am a magic frog, and since you are the 10,000th
+person to play through here, I'm prepared to offer you one of two magic gifts:
+First, for a whole year you can have the most fabulous sex life that anyone
+ever had; beyond your wildest dreams.  Or, second, for a whole year you can
+be the best golfer the world has ever known.  Which do you prefer?"  The man
+thought a bit and said that he'd take the golf.  Well, the man holed his wood
+shot from where he was, completed the course in an average of 2 per hole, and
+went round in 22.  Quickly he attracted the attention of the sports world,
+and became the world's best-known golfer, setting course records wherever
+he went.  A year later he was playing the same course inhabited by the frog,
+and at the water hazard the frog hopped out and said, "Well, the year is up,
+and you now revert to the 18-handicap player you were before.  But tell me, I
+was a little surprised that you chose the golf -- I take it your sex life is
+outstanding?"  The man said, "Well, I have no complaints in that department
+at all, which is why I chose the golf." "How many times did you engage in sex
+last year?" inquired the frog.  The man thought a little and said, "Oh, eight
+or ten times, I guess."  "Damn," said the frog, "that doesn't strike me as very
+satisfactory."  "Oh, I don't know," replied the man, "it doesn't seem so bad
+for a Catholic priest from a little town in South Dakota."
+%
+A man was talking to his best friend about his married life.  "You know," he
+says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to
+me, but there's *always* that doubt.  There's *always* that little doubt."
+	"Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.
+	"Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend,
+and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone?  I trust
+her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt."
+	The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.
+	"I've got some bad news for you," says the friend.  "The evening
+after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house.  A man
+got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife.
+After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him.  Then, he
+took off his shirt and she took off her blouse.  And then the light went
+out."
+	"*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.
+	"Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."
+	"Damn!" roared the husband.  "You see what I mean?  There's *always*
+that doubt!"
+%
+A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
+find a girl willing to listen to him.
+%
+A man with no arms walked into a bar and asked for a beer.  The bartender
+shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
+	"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold
+the glass for me?
+	"Sure," said the bartender.
+	"If," said the customer, "you'll reach in my right hand coat pocket,
+you'll find the money for the beer."
+	The bartender got the money and rang up the bill.
+	"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more.
+Where is the men's room?"
+	"Up the street to the light," said the bartender, "turn left, walk
+two blocks, and there's a gas station on the corner."
+%
+A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
+%
+A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
+%
+A man's father is very, very old, and the son can't afford very good treatment
+for him, so he's in a rather shabby, run-down nursing home.  One day the son
+wins a lottery -- and the first thing he does is install his father in the best
+old age home that money can buy.
+	On the first day the old man is sitting watching TV, and he starts
+to lean a little bit to one side.  Right away a nurse runs over and gently
+straightens the old man.  A little later he's eating dinner, and when he
+finishes, he begins to tip a little bit to one side.  Another nurse runs
+over and gently pushes him upright again.
+	The son visits his father later that evening and asks him how he's
+being treated.
+	"It's a wonderful place, son," replies the father.  "I really like
+it here, gourmet food, color TV's in every room, the service is unbelievable,
+there's just one little problem."
+	"What's that, Dad?"
+	"They won't let you fart."
+%
+A midget had a date with a very tall girl.  It was a quiff-hanger.
+%
+A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good
+many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and
+the police.
+		-- Mr. Dooley
+%
+A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down,
+swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again.  The mouse worked
+his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole.
+	"Say, good buddy," he squeaked, "how high up are we, anyway?"
+	"Oh, about two thousand feet," answered the eagle.
+	The mouse's eyes bugged out.  "Hey, you wouldn't shit me, would you?"
+%
+A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of
+Alaska, where there were no women for miles.  He finally couldn't take it
+anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve
+the pressure.
+	"Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the
+foreman.  "The other men swear by it."
+	The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of
+his life.  "That barrel is fantastic!  Warm!  Wet!  I'm going to use it
+every day!"
+	"Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the
+other men replied.
+	"Why not then?"
+	"That's your day in the barrel."
+%
+A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes.  So intent is he
+on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
+over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
+As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
+from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
+"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
+you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
+	Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
+	"But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
+	"TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
+	"But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
+	"TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU.  LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
+	Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I...  here I go!"  And he falls
+to his death.
+	"DUMB YANKEE."
+%
+A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
+by the side of the street.  Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned
+out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on.  The fellow explained
+that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
+himself with gasoline and set himself on fire.  "That's terrible," gasped
+the man.  "But why is everyone still standing around?"
+	"Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
+onlooker explained.  "Would you be willing to help?"
+	"Well, sure," replied the New Yorker.  "I suppose I could spare a
+gallon or two."
+%
+A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
+		-- Phyllis Schlafly
+%
+A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check
+out the local action.  He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk
+Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Acquavit or two.  After a few
+minutes, an extremely attractive young woman, having been taken with his form
+and features, sends a drink down to him, then joins him.  The chemistry between
+them is immediate and total.  They have the next drink in her room, and spend
+the night repeatedly making passionate love.  The woman has no idea of her
+partner's true identity; all she knows is he's driving her mad.  In the
+morning, the Norse god jumps into the shower.  Reflecting on the previous
+night he decides that he wants to be honest with his new lover.  Without even
+bothering to wrap himself in a towel, he leaps from the shower into the room,
+where the woman is still in bed, exhausted.  He kneels beside the bed, looks
+deep into her eyes and says, "Honey, I have something very important to tell
+you -- I'm Thor!".
+	The woman looks at him.  "You're Thor?", she says. "My inthides feel
+like grated cheeth!"
+%
+A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
+sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
+married.  The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
+to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
+risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
+to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
+thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
+that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
+children.  A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
+by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
+		-- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
+		   attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
+		   pornography.
+%
+A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
+sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
+married.  The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
+to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
+risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
+to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
+thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
+that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
+children.  A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
+by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
+		-- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
+		attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
+		pornography.
+%
+A nuclear family is out golfing one day, when it becomes clear that Dad isn't
+going to win any trophies, at least on this course.  On the 3rd hole, after
+two miserable bogies, he misses a two foot putt and exclaims, "Shit!"
+	His wife glances over at their sixteen year old daughter and says
+nothing.
+	On the fourth hole Dad tees off with an incredible hook, and, after
+the inevitable exclamation, his wife reproves him with "Honey!"
+	This continues on, with his golfing getting worse and his wife getting
+more and more upset about his language.  Finally, on the 17th hole, he again
+misses a very easy putt.  Flinging his club down, he curses the hole, the
+club, and the sunset, using the word "fuck" for the first time.  His wife
+whirls around and cries, "Honey!  Our daughter is standing right next to you!"
+	Feeling remorseful, but somewhat defensive, he turns to the
+daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't
+you?"
+	"Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger."
+%
+A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
+%
+A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time
+talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping.  The trade
+was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to
+their respective houses.  After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of
+the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and
+said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?"
+%
+A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is
+true to the very end of the end of a friend.
+%
+A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
+who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
+speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
+unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
+		-- Thackeray
+%
+A performing octopus could play the piano, the zither and a piccolo, and his
+trainer wanted him to add the bagpipe to his accomplishments.  With this in
+mind, a bagpipe was placed in the octopus's room, and the trainer awaited
+results.  Hours passed, but no bagpipe music was heard.  Since the talented
+octopus usually learned quickly, the trainer was disturbed.  Opening the door
+the next morning, he asked the octopus,
+	"Have you learned to play that thing yet?"
+	"Play it!" retorted the octopus. "I've been trying to lay it all
+night!"
+%
+A person who has both feet planted firmly
+in the air can be safely called a liberal.
+%
+A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed
+against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his
+hands.  He's moaning something about how "They took my car!"  Seeing that
+the man is well-dressed, the officer suspects that he may have a real case
+of theft on his hands and attempts to question the man.
+	"What happened to your car?"
+	"My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards
+stole it!  Please officer, get my Porsche back.  My God, it was right on
+the end of my key!  Where is it?  They stole it and it was right here;
+right on my key!"
+	"OK, OK, stand up, we'll see what we can do.  You'll have to come
+down to the stat...  Mister, your fly's unzipped and you're exposing
+yourself!"
+	"Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!"
+%
+A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
+%
+A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
+%
+A programmer down in Moline
+Said, I'm the match for any machine.
+	My secret's aversion,
+	To loops and recursion,
+Just acres of in-line routine.
+		-- W.J. Wilson
+%
+A progressive professor named Winners
+Held classes each evening for sinners.
+	They were graded and spaced
+	So the vile and debased
+Would not be held back by beginners.
+%
+A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
+over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
+	The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
+Bishop."
+	"Well, could you get any higher than that?"
+	"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
+might be made an Archbishop."
+	"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
+	"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
+	"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
+	Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I supose that I could
+be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
+	"And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
+up from being the Pope?"
+	"What?!  I should be the Messiah himself?!"
+	The rabbi leaned back and smiled.  "One of our boys made it."
+%
+A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
+commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
+	The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
+the hard way.  The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
+field stones... did it the hard way.  That hardwood floor in the living
+room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way.  The ceiling
+beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
+	Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in.  The farmer
+looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
+obviously and smiles.  "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
+%
+A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone
+and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided
+to visit the local pet shop.  The owner suggested a parrot, with which she
+could conduct a civilized conversation.  This seemed to be an excellent
+idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room,
+and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'"  Silence from the bird.  "Come on now, say
+'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
+	At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit."
+	Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes
+in the refrigerator."  Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on
+its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
+	"Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot.
+	Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it!  Ten minutes
+in the freezer," and slammed the door on him.
+	Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a
+big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving.  Startled, he squawks, "My God,
+you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"
+%
+A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary.  From
+his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,
+sewn, and is currently split down one side.  He asks the proprieter, "How much
+to replace this, Ian?"  The proprieter says, "Why, Angus, that'l be four
+pence."  Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?"  The prop. looks the
+condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair."  The Scotsman ponders
+for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."
+	Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and
+says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"
+%
+A Scotsman clad in kilts left a bar one evening fair.
+One could tell by how he walked, he'd drunk more than his share.
+He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet.
+So he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
+
+Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by.
+One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye.
+"See yon sleeping Scotsman so young and handsome built?"
+"I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilts?"
+
+They stepped up to the Scotsman, so young and fancy free.
+They lifted up his kilt above the waist so they could see.
+And there behold for them the view beneath his Scottish skirt,
+Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.
+
+They marveled for a moment, then one said, "Best be gone."
+"Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
+As a gift they left a blue ribbon tied into a bow,
+Around the bonny star of the Scot's kilt lifting show.
+
+The Scot awoke to nature's call and stumbled to the trees.
+Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he see's.
+Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes,
+"Och, lad I dinna know whar' ya been, but I see ya won first prize."
+		-- Mike Cross, "The Scotsman"
+%
+A sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy,
+all alone, was climbing down from the controls of a bulldozer.  "Say,
+Junior, what's goin' on?" asked the sheriff.
+	"A bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the
+cliff, and I just finished buryin' 'em," explained the deputy.
+	"Good work, boy," replied the sheriff.  "Pretty gory work -- were
+all of 'em dead?"
+	Junior nodded sadly and said, "Some of them said they weren't, but
+you know how them Mex'cans lie."
+%
+A shy young man, preparing himself for what he hoped would be the ultimate sex
+act with a pretty young lady, went into a drugstore to inquire about sizes and
+styles of condoms.  The lusty proprietress, a buxom widow, saw an opportunity
+for fun at the lad's expense.
+	"Come in the back and try some on for size," she said, taking his hand.
+The widow unzipped the youth's fly and watched the small instrument grow in
+her hand as she measured it.  When the weapon had unfurled to a rosy seven and
+a half inches, the young man, unable to contain himself, had an orgasm with a
+tremendous discharge.  After recovering, he asked the widow if she could now
+give him the proper size.
+	"I'll do more than that," she said.  "I'll give you free meals and a
+half interest in the store."
+%
+A son takes his Italian immigrant father to his first baseball game.  It
+happens that it's Old Timer's Day at Yankee stadium and all the baseball
+greats are there.  The son escorts his father to box seats right on the
+third base line and seats him with beer and a Yankees cap.
+	The first batter up is Mickey Mantle.  On the second pitch he
+swings that bat and CRACK!  The ball ricochets off the wall for a double.
+The crowd goes crazy and the father stands up and yells, "Runna Mickey!
+Runna Mickey!"
+	The next batter up is Joe DiMaggio.  The pitcher, pitching him
+carefully, works him to a 3-2 count and just misses the outside corner.
+	"Ball four!" yells the umpire and Joe tosses his bat aside and begins
+to walk to first base.
+	The father yells out, "Runna Joe!  Runna Joe!"
+	"No, no, Pop," corrects his son.  "He got four balls.  He walks."
+	And the old man clenches his fist and says solemnly, "Walka proud
+Joe.  Walka proud."
+%
+A stately-looking matron was walking through the Bronx Zoo, studying the
+animals.  When she passed the porcupine enclosure she beckoned to a nearby
+attendant.
+	"Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper
+pricks than those raised in Africa?"
+	The attendant hesitated for a moment.  "Well, ma'am," he answered,
+"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are 
+about the same."
+%
+A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at
+the local saloon.  After a few drinks, he mentioned to the bartender that he
+hadn't seen a single woman in the entire town.
+	The bartender replied, "Nope.  Ain't no women in this town!"
+	"No women? What do the men do for... er..."
+	"Oh, for sex?  Did you see all those pigs in the street?  That's the
+answer, right there."
+	Shaking his head incredulously, the stranger settled back to his
+drinking.  Within a short time, however, the liquor had convinced him that he
+wanted to try out a pig himself.  He had watched several miners walk upstairs
+to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms.  Now, he was
+game to make his move.  He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose
+a nice fat, pink sow.  As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went
+quiet.  In the embarassing hush, all eyes were upon him.
+	"What's the matter?  I thought all you fellows did this!"
+	"Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep.
+%
+A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
+%
+A sweet young schoolteacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go
+for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired.  Under
+a tree on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and
+with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter.  Sobbing
+uncontrollably she asked her seducer,
+	"How can I ever face my students again, knowing I have sinned twice?"
+	"Twice?" asked the young man, confused.
+	"Why, yes," said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye.
+"You're going to do it again, aren't you?"
+%
+A teacher announces to her class, "Children, the student who can name the
+greatest man who ever lived will win a shiny red apple."
+	Immediately an Italian boy raises his hand.
+	"Yes, Tony?"
+	"Christopher Columbus!" says Tony.
+	"Well," says the teacher, "Christopher Columbus was a very great man,
+but I don't think he was the greatest man who ever lived."
+	From the back of the room little Bernie Goldstein raises his hand.
+	"Yes, Bernie?"
+	"Jesus Christ", says Bernie.
+	"That is correct, Bernie," pronounces the teacher.  "And here is
+your apple."
+	When Bernie gets up to the front of the room to claim his prize,
+the teacher says, "Bernie, given the fact that you're Jewish, I'm surprised
+that you thought Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived."
+	"Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge,
+but business is business."
+%
+A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa.
+%
+A trapper named Francois Lefebrve
+Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
+	The result of this fuck
+	Was a three titted duck,
+A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.
+%
+A traveling circus was performing in a small town, around the turn of the
+century, when many of the circus animals were still considered to be very
+rare and exotic.  One night one of the elephants escaped.  It was hungry
+and found a garden in a little old lady's backyard.  The woman, who had
+never before seen an elephant, was hysterical and called the police.
+
+Little Old Lady:  "There's a *huge* monster in my garden!
+Police:	"Calm down, ma'am, everything will be all right.  Now exactly what
+	does it look like?"
+LOL:	"It's a dark color and it's tremendous!  It's pulling up my
+	vegetables with its tail!"
+Police:	"With its tail?  Then what's it doing?"
+LOL:	"You wouldn't believe me if I told you!"
+%
+A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
+%
+A virgin is chaste.
+%
+A virginal is a harpsichord that has never been plucked.
+%
+A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty
+comes most easily to those who have no taste for it.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
+		-- Addison
+%
+A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
+*for the rest of your life*.
+		-- Jim Samuels
+%
+A witty writer, K. Kraus in the Vienna "Fackel", has as it were, expressed
+this truth paradoxically in the cynical saying: "Coitus is merely an
+unsatisfactory substitute for onanism!"
+		-- Sigmund Freud, attempting to explain why
+		masturbation is "by no means harmless"
+%
+A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
+%
+A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
+		-- Scott
+%
+A woman forgives the audacity of which
+her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
+		-- LeSage
+%
+A woman had a followup visit with her doctor after his prescribing fairly high
+dosages of testosterone (a male hormone) for her.  She was a little worried
+about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
+	"Doctor Keyes, the hormones you've been giving me have helped a lot
+with my menopausal symptoms, but I'm really afraid that you're giving me too
+much.  I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before!"
+	The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
+side effect of testosterone.  Just where has this hair appeared?"
+	"On my balls."
+%
+A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
+thankful for a good one.
+		-- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
+%
+A woman is driving down the street, her ten-year-old daughter belted into
+the passenger seat.  The daughter asks "Mommy, how old are you?"
+	The mother says "That's a personal question. It's not nice to ask
+people personal questions."
+	The daughter thinks a while, then asks "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
+	The mother replies "That's a personal question too.  I'm not going
+to tell you."
+	Chastised, the daughter asks no more questions.  The mother parks the
+car. "I'm going to see Mrs. Tristan for a couple of minutes.  You stay here in
+the car and watch my purse."
+	After the mother leaves, the daughter removes her mother's driver's
+license from the purse, studies it for a few minutes and replaces it.  When
+her mother returns they drive off.  The little girl comments:
+	"Mommy, I know how old you are.  You're 32."
+	"That's right!  How did you know?"
+	"And you weigh 119 pounds."
+	"Did you look in my purse?"
+	"And I know why you and Daddy divorced."
+	"You *do*?"
+	"Yes," said the daughter. "Because you flunked sex!"
+%
+A woman is like a dresser... some man always goin' through her drawers.
+		-- Blind Lemon Pledge
+%
+A woman is like your shadow; follow her,
+she flies; fly from her, she follows.
+		-- Chamfort
+%
+A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive
+little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid.
+		-- Adolf Hitler
+%
+A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation.
+It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.
+		-- Karl Kraus, "Die Fackel"
+%
+A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
+over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
+pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
+		-- Stendhal
+%
+A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.
+		-- Herodotus
+%
+A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social
+pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate
+woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without
+love, without virtue, without sex.
+		-- Balzac
+%
+A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.
+		-- Pancho Villa
+%
+A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
+		-- Gloria Steinem
+%
+A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
+Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
+%
+A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long
+as he can.
+		-- Moms Mabley
+%
+A young boy is told by his puritanical father than he should never have
+sex with a woman, because a woman has teeth in her vagina and will bite
+off his penis.
+	The years go by, and the boy finally marries.  After a rather
+uninspiring honeymoon his wife finally confronts him and demands that he
+tell her why he won't make love to her.
+	"Well, honey," he replies.  "You have... teeth... down there."
+	"What!?" she replies unbelievingly.  "No I don't!  Honest, darling,
+come here and look for yourself."
+	The man rather hesitantly examines her very thoroughly.
+	"There!" his wife says triumphantly.  "Now do you believe me?"
+	"Yes," replied her husband.  "And your gums are in *terrible*
+condition."
+%
+A young lady friend of mine just swallowed a razor blade...
+She performed a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy,
+three circumcisions, and cut off the finger of a casual friend.
+%
+A young man walks into a bus station, and goes into the men's room to relieve
+himself.  When he steps in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous penis
+he has ever seen.  As he urinates, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member
+of the tiny man dressed in green.  The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him
+if he is indeed a real leprechaun.
+	The little man says, "Aye, me laddie, I'm a leprechaun, and I can
+grant you three wishes."
+	"Oh, wow!" comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"
+	"Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the
+ladies, the thing not fittin' and all...  I'll grant you your three wishes
+if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick 'til I come."  The man is a bit taken
+aback, but agrees, realizing that the three wishes will be priceless.  After
+the tiny fellow has come, he starts to walk away.
+	The man exclaims, "Hey, what about my three wishes?"
+	Replies the leprechaun, "How old are you, me boy?"
+	"25."
+	"Aren't you a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?"
+%
+A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her
+daughter.  When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from
+a small girl she played with in the park.  The next day, the mother sought
+out the little girl as she played in the park.  "Are you the little girl
+who uses bad words?"
+	"Who told you?"
+	"A little bird," answered the mother.
+	"Well, I like that!" exclaimed the small girl.  "And I've been
+feeding the little bastards, too!"
+%
+A young woman was afflicted with three brothers who had a friendly competition
+as to who was the best practical joker.  When she announced her marriage,
+like all good brothers, they immediately found out where the honeymoon would
+be and repaired there to do their worst, er, best.  The brother who was a
+carpenter went first, and came back out in five minutes.  The brother who
+worked as a plumber went second and was out in about half an hour.  Finally,
+the brother employed as a dentist went inside and came out almost immediately.
+A few days after the start of their sister's honeymoon the brothers each
+received a telegram from their sister.  It read:
+
+	I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it.  I was amused
+	when the shower went cold five minutes after it started.  But I'm
+	going to kill whoever put the novicaine into the KY jelly...
+%
+A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive.
+%
+Aboard the good ship Venus,		The cabin boy, the captain's joy,
+The mast it was a penis,		A cunning little nipper,
+	Her figurehead				They filled his ass,
+	A whore in bed,				With broken glass,
+Good grief you should have seen us!	And circumcized the skipper.
+
+The first mate's name was Higgins,	The captain's daughter Mabel,
+And Higgins was a biggins,		They screwed when they were able,
+	Once round the deck,			They nailed her tits,
+	Twice up the mast,			Those nasty shits,
+And the rest was used for riggins'!	Right to the captain's table.
+
+The engineer's name was Carter,		The second mate's name was Andy,
+And Carter was a farter,		By God, he was a dandy,
+	When the wind wouldn't blow,		They broke his cock,
+	And the ship couldn't go,		With chunks of rock,
+Carter the farter would start her!	For conking in the brandy!
+%
+AC/DC is a rock band.
+                -- Bisexuality, 101
+%
+Achilles' Biological Findings:
+	(1)  If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.
+	     If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
+	(2)  A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first 
+	     -- the chicken or the egg.  It was undoubtedly the rooster.
+%
+Adam's Law:
+	(1)  Women don't know what they want;
+	     they don't like what they have got.
+	(2)  Men know very well what they want;
+	     having got it, they begin to lose interest.
+%
+Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex, 
+and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it...
+%
+Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages --
+such as being able to claim 18 centimeters instead of seven inches.
+%
+ADULTERY:
+	Putting yourself in someone else's position.
+%
+Advertising is the most fun of anything you can do with your clothes on.
+		-- Mary Wells, advertising executive
+%
+After a few steamy dances and a few more drinks, the pickup couple
+are back at his place tearing their clothes off.  Things are really
+starting to heat up when he leaps out of bed and starts frantically
+rummaging through a dresser drawer.
+	"What are you doing?" she asks.
+	"Just a second, honey, I'm trying to find my lucky rubber."
+%
+After an evening at the theatre and several nightcaps at an intimate little
+bistro, the young man whispered to his date, "How do you feel about making
+love to men?"
+	"That's MY business," she snapped.
+	"Ah," he said.  "A professional."
+%
+After cocktails in the Oak Room, the graying millionaire took the blond,
+attractive, wholesome, winning young woman up to his suite.  They chatted
+for a while, and then kissed on the couch.  A little fondling, some feeling
+and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they
+were in the wide, cool bed, naked together.  They chatted more, established
+a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying.  The
+girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good.  
+	"Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good.  Why, she could 
+be my own daughter."  He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes.
+	"Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl
+like you doing in a hotel like this?"
+	"Oh, about $2000 a week, with tips."
+%
+After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
+%
+After Joan and Max had been married for 25 years, Max became disinterested
+in sex, and his libido began to wan dramatically.  In desperation, Joan
+hauled him to a marriage couselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints
+and Max's protestations.  Max claimed that he was being nagged unmercifully
+to fulfill Joan's needs, and that after awhile every marriage tended to
+become less physical.  Joan said that that wasn't true and that she had
+needs and desires that he, as her husband, was expected to fulfill.  Finally,
+the counselor issued the verdict. "Max," he said, "Everybody has to give a
+little for a marriage to work.  From now on, no matter how you feel at the
+time, you must give Joan her conjugal rights at least semi-annually.  And,
+remember, do it in a loving, considerate manner; after all, you and your
+wife are a partnership of love."  Joan was delighted, and floated out of the
+counselor's offices.  On the way downstairs, she nudged Max.
+	"So, honey, tell me... how many times a week is semi-annually?"
+%
+After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded
+bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on
+his way to see his wife.  Finally sneaking in the back entrance, he knocked
+on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it.  "Where the hell have
+you been?" she blared.  "You busted out more than six hours ago!"
+%
+After repeatedly warding off her date's amorous advances during the evening,
+the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See here," she shouted
+indignantly.  "This is positively the last time I'm going to tell you `no'."
+	"Splendid!" exclaimed her date.  "Now we can start making some
+progress."
+%
+After rushing into a drugstore, the nervous young man was obviously
+embarrassed when a prim thirty-ish woman asked if she could serve him.
+	"N-no," he stammered, "I'd like to see the druggist."
+	"I'm the druggist", she replied cheerfully.
+	"Oh.. well, uh, it's nothing important," he said, and turned to leave.
+	"Young man," said the woman, "my sister and I have been running this
+drugstore for nearly ten years.  There is nothing you can tell us that will
+embarrass us.
+	"Well, all right," he said.  "I have this awful sexual hunger that
+nothing will appease.  No matter how many times I make love, I still want to
+make love again and again.  Is there anything you can give me for it?"
+	"Just a moment," said the woman, "I'll have to discuss this with my
+sister."
+	A few minutes later, she returned.  "The best we can do," she said,
+"is room and board and a half-interest in the business."
+%
+After spending a forbidden night on the town, two young nuns were trying
+to sneak through the fence surrounding their Convent.
+	"You know," giggled one as she held the wire apart for the other
+to crawl through, "I feel like a Marine."
+	"So do I," the other nun sighed, "but where are we going to
+find one at three in the morning?"
+%
+After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that
+brought tears to my eyes.  He said, "No hablo ingles."
+		-- Ronnie Shakes
+%
+After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
+		-- Joan Rivers
+%
+Ah spring, when a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over.
+%
+AI hackers do it robotically.
+%
+AI hackers do it with robots.
+%
+Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job.
+		-- Bobcat Goldthwait
+%
+Alaska, where Moosehead isn't a beer, it's a misdemeanor.
+
+Q:	You know how to figure out if your lover's been "invovlved"?
+A:	Antler marks on their hips.
+%
+Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate,
+the third is routine.  After that you just take the girl's clothes off.
+		-- Raymond Chandler
+%
+Alcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else's name.
+%
+Alex came home from a business trip to Chicago and found no one home but his
+daughter Rose, who was crying bitterly.
+	"What's the matter, darling?" asked Alex.
+	"Mommy almost died last night," sobbed Rose.
+	"That's nonsense," said the father.  "Why do you say that?"
+	"Well," said Rose,"you always told us that when we die we'll see God;
+so when I heard Mommy moaning last night I rushed to her bedroom and she was
+screaming, "Oh God, here I come," and she would have but Uncle Jerry held her
+down."
+%
+"Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm".  Maybe this explains
+the popularity of this field of study in computer science.
+%
+alimony, n:
+	Having an ex you can bank on.
+%
+All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ,
+a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm place to shift.
+%
+All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell
+them apart.
+%
+All I really want in life is a piece and some quiet.
+%
+All I want is a girl made of wood,
+With fine-grained hair and carven knee.
+She wouldn't drink and wouldn't smoke,
+Oh, wooden tit be loverly?
+		-- Pinocchio
+%
+All jobs should be open to everybody, unless they actually require a
+penis or a vagina.
+		-- Florynce Kennedy
+
+There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis
+or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
+		-- Gloria Steinem
+%
+All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most
+injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.
+		-- Mark Twain
+%
+All the girls in France, do a hookie-kookie dance,
+And you know the way they shake, is enough to fry a snake,
+And the snake they fry, is enough to tell a lie,
+And the lie they tell, is enough to go to
+Hello, operator, give me number nine,
+If you disconnect me, I'll kick you in the
+Behind the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass,
+If you do not pick it up, I'll kick you in the
+Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies,
+This is what Lulu told me, just before she died.
+She had a little brother, she named him Tiny Tim,
+She put him in the potty, to see if he could swim.
+He swam down to the bottom, he swam up to the top,
+Lulu got disgusted, and flushed him down the pot.
+		-- Princess
+%
+All things dull and ugly,		Each little snake that poisons,
+All creatures short and squat,		Each little wasp that stings,
+All things rude and nasty,		He made their brutish venom,
+The Lord God made the lot;		He made their horrid wings.
+
+All things sick and cancerous,		Each nasty little hornet,
+All evil great and small,		Each beastly little squid.
+All things foul and dangerous,		Who made the spikey urchin?
+The Lord God made them all.		Who made the sharks? He did.
+
+All things scabbed and ulcerous,
+All pox both great and small.
+Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
+The Lord God made them all.
+		-- Monty Python
+%
+All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar
+crime?  Who enjoys his job today?  You?  Me?  Anybody?  The only satisfying
+part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time.  Years ago
+there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more
+important jobs to come.  Once you can be sold the myth that you may make
+president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps.  But nobody 
+believes he's going to be president anymore.  The more people change jobs
+the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for
+a living and total stupefying boredom.  So why NOT take revenge?  You're not
+going to find ME knocking a guy because he pads an expense account and his
+home stationery carries the company emblem.  Take away crime from the white
+collar worker and you will rob him of his last vestige of job interest.
+		-- J. Feiffer
+%
+All work and no pay makes a housewife.
+%
+Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every
+subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted
+to a certain publicity and impartiality.  All proffered samples of learning
+must go to the same assay-room and be subjected to common tests.  It is the
+essence of all dogmatic faiths to hold that any such "show-down" is
+sacrilegious and perverse.  The characteristic of religion, from their point
+of view, is that it is intellectually secret, not public; peculiarly revealed,
+not generall known; authoritatively declared, not communicated and tested
+in ordinary ways...It is pertinent to point out that, as long as religion
+is conceived as it is now by the great majority of professed religionists,
+there is something self-contradictory in speaking of education in religion
+in the same sense in which we speak of education in topics where the method
+of free inquiry has made its way.  The "religious" would be the last to be
+willing that either the history of the content of religion should be taught
+in this spirit; while those to whom the scientific standpoint is not merely
+a technical device, but is the embodiment of the integrity of mind, must
+protest against its being taught in any other spirit.
+		-- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
+%
+Although a fifth-generation American, Father Sweeny was more Irish than most
+of Erin's natives.  He spoke with an Irish brogue which had mysteriously
+appeared during his nineteenth year and he *hated* the English.  Due to his
+proclivity to belabor the British from his pulpit, complaints to his
+superiors were not infrequent.  He would blame anything evil or merely
+inconvenient on the English people.  If there was an act of terrorism, the
+responsibility was promptly laid at the feet of the Brits.  If there was a
+natural disaster, undoubtedly the English government was an accessory to
+the fact, if not outrightly culpable.  Repeatedly, his superiors called him
+on the carpet for his behavior.  After a particularly vituperative
+anti-British broadside, the Bishop instructed Father Sweeny to come straight
+to his office; do not pass GO; do not collect two hundred dollars.  Summing
+up a humiliating and soul-marking reprimand, the Bishop ended with: "Next
+week is Saint Patrick's Day.  If you so much as *mention* the British, it's
+your last sermon!"
+
+The following Sunday, as Father Sweeny spoke lovingly and eloquently of
+Saint Patrick, and he made a reference to the last Passover celebrated by
+Christ and His disciples.  "Sure, an' you're all familiar with the tale.
+You know that Our Lord sat at the table and told his disciples that one
+among them would betray Him.  As He looked around the table, He stopped at
+Peter, the Rock, who said, `Not I, Lord!'  He looked at Thomas, who doubted,
+and Thomas said, `I could never do such a thing!'  Then the Lord looked long
+and hard at Judas Iscariot, who said, `Cor, bloimy, Guv'na, you couldn't
+main may!'"
+%
+Always talk to your wife while you're
+making love... if there's a phone handy.
+%
+ambition, n:
+	An ant crawling up an elephant's leg with rape on his mind.
+%
+America ... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesman
+with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing
+anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.
+		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign
+		Trail"
+%
+America cannot be sold a can of beer without
+being offered a piece of pussy along with it.
+		-- Julius Lester
+%
+America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.
+		-- Allen Ginsberg
+%
+American culture is based on the automobile, and any young man of promise
+is going to own one and want to travel great distances in it.  Consequently,
+any young woman of aspiration should expect to spend most of her vacations
+in a car, probing into unfamiliar corners.  She is not required to know how
+to drive but she will certainly be expected to read the road map while her
+husband drives, and if she can't, or if she's abnormally slow in giving him
+help, she's bound to cause trouble.  Therefore, you'd think that colleges
+which train the bright young women who're going to marry the bright young
+men who are going to own the Cadillacs that roar back and forth across this
+continent would teach the girls to read maps.  None do. They teach a hundred
+other useless things, but never a word about the one that will cause the
+greatest friction.
+		-- James Michener, "Space"
+%
+America's two greatest inventions are finger-fucking and carpet-bombing.
+		-- Lyndon B. Johnson
+%
+An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches.
+%
+An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about
+the happiness of life.  
+	"To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful
+dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night
+Football," the American said.
+	"You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected, "Sharing
+a beautiful evening with my lover, walking along the Seine river, and having a
+romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower.  That is happiness of life."
+	"You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese laughed, "then you
+two still don't understand life at all.  Imagine this.  You are sleeping
+soundly at night in Saigon.  Then suddenly you hear loud knocks on your front
+door.  You hear loud voices, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!'.  Quaking
+with fear, you rush out and open the door.  Right there, you see two secret
+policemen ready to handcuff you.  One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van
+Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities.  You are
+being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!'  Sweating profusely and
+shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh 
+lives next door.'  That moment is happiness in life, my friends.
+%
+An American businessman in London was given special visitor's privileges at an
+exclusive men's club.  Striding in one afternoon, the American approached the
+only other man in the lounge and tried to strike up a conversation.  "Care
+for a cigar?" he asked.
+	"No, thank you," the Englishman replied.  "I tried smoking once and
+didn't like it."
+	"Would you care to join me in the bar for a drink, then?" the
+businessman asked.
+	"No, thank you.  I tried drinking once and it didn't agree with me."
+	"Well, how about a game of billiards?"
+	"Sorry.  I tried it once and couldn't seem to get the hang of it."
+	As the American started to turn away, the Englishman said, "But my
+son will be here shortly, and I'm sure he would enjoy a game with you."
+	"Your son?  An only child, I presume."
+%
+An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife
+dies of a heart attack.  The husband decides to have her buried there as the
+visit to France was something they had longed for for many years.  All
+arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black
+hat for the funeral.  The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a
+"chapeau noir."  So off he goes to find a store open late.
+	First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur,
+ou pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?"
+	The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our
+friend directions.  The store -- if that is what it is -- looks a little seedy
+and run down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our
+hero.  He speaks first:
+	"M'sieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir."
+	"Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des
+capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires.  Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un
+capeau noir?"
+	"Ma femme est morte."
+	"O Monsieur!  Quelle beau sentiment!"
+%
+An American walks into an Irish pub around lunchtime, and finds the place
+is completely filled and there are no chairs available, with the exception
+of one -- seating a Chihuahua next to a woman.  He very politely asks her
+if she would mind placing her dog on the floor for a few minutes while he
+got a quick bite to eat.
+	"I most certainly would!", the woman haughtily replies.  "Little
+Fifi *always* sits next to me at lunchtime and there she will stay!"
+	Whereupon, the American picks up the Chihuahua, throws it out of
+an open window and takes the seat.
+	An Irishman, watching the whole encounter, walks over, taps the
+American on the shoulder and says, "Mate, I guess I never will understand
+you Americans.  You drink your beer cold, drive on the right side of the
+street, and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window!"
+%
+An angst-ridden amorist, Fred,
+Saw sartorial changes ahead.
+	His mind kept on ringing
+	With fishy girls singing;
+Soft fruit also filled him with dread.
+		-- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock"
+%
+An Army travels on her stomach.
+%
+An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized
+logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt.  Note that the anarchists have
+been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization.
+		-- Encyclopadia Apocryphia
+%
+An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's
+chance to kiss the tea-girl.  It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the
+Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone
+who has seen the Managing Director face on).
+		-- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout"
+%
+And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve?  The judgement of God
+upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of 
+criminal at the bar of justice.
+		-- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer
+%
+...And have you ever noticed that you never see the Father, the Son, and
+the Holy Ghost partying together at the same time?  Oh, sure, everybody
+talks like they aren't the same person, but I wonder...
+%
+And having stretched me out upon his bed with my head a little to one side,
+he sat down next to me and raised my head upon his lap.  He peered avidly at
+me, his eyes seemed ready to devour the secretion oozing from my nose.  "Oh,
+the pretty little snotface," said he, beginning to pant, "How I'm going to
+suck her."  Therewith bending down over me, and taking my nose in his mouth,
+not only did he devour all the mucus between my nose and mouth, but he even
+lewdly darted the tip of his tongue into each of my nostrils, one after the
+other, and with such cleverness he provoked two or three sneezes which
+redoubled the flow he desired and was consuming so hungrily.  But ask me for
+no details bearing upon this fellow, Messieurs, nothing appeared, and whether
+because he did nothing, or becaues he did it all in his drawers, there was
+nothing to be seen, and amidst the multitude of his kisses and lecherous
+lickings there was nothing outstanding which might have denoted an ecstasy,
+and consequently it is my opinion that he did not discharge.  All my clothes
+were in place, even his hands stayed still, and I give you my word that this
+old libertine's fantasy might be performed upon the world's most repectable
+and least initiated girl without her being able to suppose there was anything
+lewd in it at all.
+		-- Marquis de Sade
+%
+And let me the canakin clink, clink;
+and let me the canakin clink.
+	A soldier's a man;
+	O, man's life's but a span,
+Why then, let a soldier drink.
+%
+And now, the Bing Crosby show, brought to you by the makers of Ex-Lax.
+... a brief pause, and then Bing!
+%
+And on the third day, Christ arose, pushed aside the rock that had served
+as the tomb door, and walked again on the earth.
+	And as he departed, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left
+open.  "What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?"
+%
+And prively he caughte hire by the queynte,
+And heeld hire harde by the haunche-bones.
+		--Geoffrey Chaucer, The Miller's Tale
+%
+And so it goes.  It is humiliating, when you should know better, to become
+victim of the timeless story of the little brown dog running across the
+freight yard, crossing all the railroad tracks until a switch engine nipped
+off the end of his tail between wheel and rail.  The little dog yelped, and
+he spun so quickly to check himself out that the next wheel chopped through
+his little brown neck.  The moral is, of course, never lose your head over
+a piece of tail.
+		-- John D. MacDonald, "The Scarlet Ruse"
+%
+And the northern lights commenced to glow.
+And she said, with a tear in her eye,
+"Watch out where the huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow."
+		-- Frank Zappa, "The Story of Nanook and the Fur Trapper"
+%
+And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought
+he was melting...
+%
+"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came
+upon his wife in bed with another man.  The wife turned and smiled at her
+companion.
+	"See?" she said.  "I told you he was stupid!"
+%
+Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send out
+photographs of their families every year.  In the same mail that brought the
+greetings from Marcia and Philip, my friend found such a conversation piece.
+"My God, Lida is enormous!" she exclaimed.  I don't know why women want to
+record each year, for two or three hundred people to see, the ravages wrought
+upon them, their mates, and their progeny by the artillery of time, but
+between five and seven per cent of Christmas cards, at a rough estimate, are
+family groups, and even the most charitable recipient studies them for little
+signs of dissolution or derangement.  Nothing cheers a woman more, I am afraid,
+than the proof that another woman is letting herself go, or has lost control
+of her figure, or is clearly driving her husband crazy, or is obviously
+drinking more than is good for her, or still doesn't know what to wear.
+Middle-aged husbands in such photographs are often described as looking
+"young enough to be her son," but they don't always escape so easily, and a
+couple opening envelopes in the season of mercy and good will sometimes handle
+a male friend or acquaintance rather sharply.  "Good Lord!" the wife will say.
+"Frank looks like a sex-crazed shotgun slayer, doesn't he?"  "Not to me," the
+husband may reply.  "to me he looks more like a Wilkes-Barre dentist who is
+being sought by the police in connection with the disappearance of a choir
+singer."
+		-- James Thurber, "Merry Christmas"
+%
+Another nun joke!!!
+	You see, three nuns were walking down the street, when suddenly
+this flasher jumped out in front of them and opened his trench coat,
+exposing his all to the sisters.  Well, two of the nuns had strokes right
+there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it.
+%
+Another stupid gay joke!!!
+	You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry
+daquiri.  The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't 
+serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come
+in and kick your ass?"
+	The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo
+thurstay...."
+	Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer
+on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon 
+as he's done.  A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the 
+bar.  He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could
+lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!"
+	From the back of the bar comes the cry...  "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!"
+%
+anxiety, n:
+	The first time you can't do it a second time.
+
+panic, n:
+	The second time you can't do it the first time.
+%
+Any girl who believes that the way to a man's heart is through
+his stomach is obviously setting her standards too high.
+%
+Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.
+%
+Anything more than three shakes is for fun.
+%
+APL hackers take all they want.
+%
+Apple owners do it with mice!
+%
+APPOINTMENT BOOK:
+	The reference of last resort when trying to duck undesired
+	invitations ("Gee, the soonest I can pencil you in is
+	December, 2004"), or when trying to figure out what the hell
+	it was you did during the past year.
+%
+Are there those in the land of the brave
+Who can tell me how I should behave
+	When I am disgraced
+	Because I erased
+	A file I intended to save?
+%
+ARIES (Mar. 21 to Apr. 19)
+	Be cheerful today. People who don't like you will outnumber those
+	who do.  You have warts.  Focus on domestic status, financial matters,
+	and venereal disease.  Look for involvement with Libra or Aquarius
+	natives; probably a fistfight with one of each.
+%
+Arkansas:
+	Where the men are men, so are the women and the sheep run scared.
+%
+As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless;
+and considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to
+be childless.
+
+The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is,
+doubtless, a separation.
+		-- Lord Chesterfield, letter to his son, 1763
+%
+As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that
+sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out?  Even if it
+was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed.
+%
+As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me.
+%
+As my dear autie used to say, "Love makes the world go 'round, but sex
+makes the ride fun."
+%
+As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier
+than the average asshole on the street.
+		-- R.P. McMurphy, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"
+%
+As part of an equal opportunity project, a memo was sent to all the offices
+within External Affairs asking for "A list of all employees broken down by
+sex."
+	One of the memos was returned with the notation: "I'm sorry: we
+know of nobody in this office who fits your criteria.  We do, however,
+have two alcoholics."
+%
+As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept
+saying "Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with
+one of his patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard,
+you're a veterinarian."
+%
+As the Catholic church becomes more and more tolerant, some day they will
+have to consider the possibility of a gay pope.  Possibly the largest
+issue will be having to decide whether he is "absolutely divine" or "just
+simply marvelous."
+%
+As the recent sightings of bumper stickers reading "IN CASE OF RAPTURE, THIS
+VEHICLE WILL BE UNMANNED" have created a great deal of confusion, Fortune
+offers the following excerpts from the 1989 printing of the State of Maryland
+Driver's Handbook:
+	If you notice a glorious light in the sky, a sound as of an infinite
+choir of unearthly voices, and a host of winged beings descending from the
+heavens, do not panic.  If you are on the freeway, move to the shoulder as
+soon as it is safe to do so, activate your hazard blinkers, and wait for the
+end of the world.  If you are Saved, it is especially important that you do
+this BEFORE you are carried to your Eternal Reward, in order that your vehicle
+not become a hazard to others.  Remember, Rapture is the number one cause of
+automobile accidents during major spiritual upheavals.  You may experience a
+feeling of discorporation ("being pulled from one's body") while driving.  To
+ensure the safety of your passengers and other drivers, move to the shoulder
+as soon as you notice any of the following symptoms:
+	-- An overwhelming sense of peace and happiness.
+	-- Visions of the faces of deceased family members.
+	-- A glorious figure in white, beckoning from the end of a tunnel of
+white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintainance officers,
+who wear dark blue and safety orange.)
+	Once the feeling has passed, inspect your surroundings.  If still in
+your car, you have probably suffered a stroke and should have someone drive
+you to a hospital at once.  If you find yourself in the Kingdom of God, consult
+the local officials for information on local traffic rules and regulations.
+%
+As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two
+figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road.  The driver blew
+his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking, 
+oblivious to his warnings.  The truck finally slid to a halt barely three
+inches from the pair.  "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them.  "You
+could have been killed!"
+	The man stood up and faced the driver.  "Well, I was coming, she was
+coming and you were coming," he panted, "and you were the only one with
+brakes."
+%
+As they say about Dungeons and Dragons, "Life's a die, and then you bitch."
+%
+Ask your boss to reconsider --
+It's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer.
+%
+Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
+woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it,
+she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds."
+		-- David Letterman
+%
+ASS:
+	The masculine of "lass".
+%
+Ass, grass or gas... nobody rides for free!
+%
+Assassins do it from behind.
+%
+At her annual checkup, the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that
+it's necessary to take her temperature rectally.  She agrees and bends over
+the examining table, but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's
+NOT my rectum!"
+	"Madam," says the doctor, "that's not my thermometer!"
+	Just then, the woman's husband, hearing her voice, comes into the
+room.  "Just what the hell is going on here?" he demands.
+	"I'm taking your wife's temperature," the doctor cooly replies.
+	"Okay, doc, you know best," says the husband as he picks a scalpel
+off the doctor's desk, "but when that thing comes out, it better have
+numbers on it!"
+%
+At last, the first Soviet, artificially intelligent computer had been produced.
+The engineers did not get it, nor the physicists.  First things first: it went
+to the institute of Marxism-Leninism.
+
+"IS IT POSSIBLE TO BUILD SOCIALISM IN SWITZERLAND?" typed in one of the
+	theologians.
+"YES," replied the computer.  "BUT IT WOULD BE SUCH A PITY TO DESTROY
+	SUCH A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY."
+%
+At twenty-six, Kate, though not promiscuous, had slept with most of the
+decent men in public life.
+		-- Renata Adler
+%
+Attractive bisexual young woman seeks same for high mellow times.
+%
+Australia's a lovely land
+It's full of bonza blokes,
+Sheilas, beer and no-one's queer
+Except in Pommie jokes.
+
+Australians are lovely chaps
+They're God's own chosen race.
+If they ever see a fairy Pom
+They'll smash him in the face.
+
+Australians like dressing up
+In skirts and having fun
+And that's all we were doing
+When the Vice Squad came along.
+		-- Monty Python
+%
+A-Z affectionately,
+1 to 10 alphabetically,
+from here to eternity without in betweens,
+still looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world,
+sales talk from sales assistants
+	when all i want to do is lower your resistance,
+no rhythm in cymbals no tempo in drums,
+love's on arrival,
+she comes when she comes,
+right on the target but wide of the mark...
+%
+B4 I4Q, RU/18 QT 3.14
+%
+Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect.
+		-- Nicolas Chamfort
+%
+Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
+popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day:  a true red-
+blooded born and bred Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
+back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.  The city-slicker
+kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll
+give you $10 for a blow job."  
+	The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and
+killed the city-slicker on the spot.  The lady gasped and said, "Thank
+you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"
+	Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell!  
+No tenderfoot is gonna come 'round here raisin' the price of women in Texas!"
+%
+Balls Law:
+	The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat
+	of the meat provided that the thrusts of the busts are constant.
+%
+BALTIMORE:
+	Where the women wear turtleneck
+	sweators to hide their flea collars.
+%
+Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
+%
+Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
+Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.
+Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
+Unless you get a good percentage of her price.
+		-- Tom Lehrer
+%
+BEAT ME, BITE ME, WHIP ME, FUCK ME!!!
+%
+Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks!
+%
+Beauty, n:
+	The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.
+%
+Because woman's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or
+repetitious and we're the first to get the sack and what we look like is
+more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we
+get bashed we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging
+bitches and if we enjoy sex nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we
+love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor
+too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect community
+care for children we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're
+aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and
+if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're
+unnatural and because we still can't get an adequate safe contraceptive but
+men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're
+made to feel guilty about abortion and... for lots and lots of other reasons
+we are part of the women's liberation movement.
+%
+Bedfellows make strange politicians.
+%
+beef stroganoff, n:
+	A bull masturbating.
+%
+"Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee, "I want to
+confess some affairs that I've had in the past."
+	"But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man
+replied. 
+	"Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago."
+%
+Beifeld's Principle:
+	The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive
+	young female increases by pyramidical progression when he
+	is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a
+	better-looking and richer male friend.
+		-- R. Beifeld
+%
+Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals.
+To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.
+		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
+%
+Bend over and take it like a man!
+%
+Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
+For her life held no terrors.
+A virgin born, a virgin died:
+No hits, no runs, no errors.
+%
+Beneath this stone lies Murphy,
+They buried him today,
+He lived the life of Riley,
+While Riley was away.
+%
+Benny Hill:	Would you like a peanut?
+Girl:		No, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation.
+Benny Hill:	You won't be under obligation for a peanut.  
+		It's not as if it were a chocolate bar or something.
+%
+Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda.
+%
+BETTER LATE THAN NEVER:
+	The single girl's motto.
+%
+Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
+		-- Mae West
+%
+Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
+%
+Bi now, gay later!
+%
+Big Toe: The pad of the male big toe applied to the clitoris or the vulva
+generally is a magnificent erotic instrument.  The famous gentleman in erotic
+prints who is keeping six women occupied is using tongue, penis, both hands,
+and both big toes.  Use the toe in mammary or armpit intercourse or any time
+you are astride her, or sit facing as she lies or sits.  Make sure the nail
+isn't sharp.  In a restuarant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously
+remove a shoe and sock, reach over, and keep her in almost continuous orgasm
+with all four hands fully in view on the table top and no sign of contact--
+A party trick which really rates as advanced sex.  She has less scope, but
+can learn to masturbate him with her two big toes.  The toes are definitely
+erogenic areas, and can be kissed, sucked, tickled, or tied with stimulating
+results.
+		-- The Joy of Sex
+		[Avoid armpit intercourse when razor stubble is present. Ed.]
+%
+Bill and Jim were walking home from work.  As they walked along, they 
+discussed their wives' spending habits.  "I don't understand how women 
+can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed.  "I mean, understand, she 
+don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!"
+%
+Birth, copulation and death.
+That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks;
+Birth, copulation and death.
+		-- T.S. Elliot, "Sweeney Agonistes"
+%
+Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+Bitch, bitch, bitch --
+That's all I ever hear,
+Ever since the dog ate the baby,
+"Get rida the dog, get rida the dog."
+%
+Blow it out your ass!
+%
+Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in plain
+sight.  It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again.  The legend has it that St.
+Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.  In fact, he was arrested for drunk
+driving.  The snakes left because people kept throwing up on them.
+%
+BOHICA:
+	Bend over, here it comes again.
+%
+Bondage, or as the French call it, ligottage, is the gentle art of tying up
+your sex partner --- not to overcome reluctance but to boost orgasm.  It's
+one unscheduled sex technique which a lot of people find extremely exciting
+but are scared to try, and a venerable human resource for increasing sexual
+feeling, partly because it's a harmless expression of sexual aggression --
+something we badly need, our culture being very uptight about it -- and more
+because of its physical affects: slow orgasm when unable to move is a
+mind-blowing experience for anyone not too frightened of their own aggressive
+self to try it.
+		-- The Joy of Sex
+%
+Bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
+Census Taker".  It's about a guy who comes once every ten years.
+%
+Brain on vacation, penis on autopilot.
+%
+Breakfast sometime?
+	Sure.
+Shall I call you or just nudge you?
+%
+Bridget O'Flaherty McHugh
+Held venal traffic with a gnu.
+Mistaking fore for aft one morn
+Impaled herself upon its horn.
+
+Moral:	Those who seek high ends should shun
+	our furred and feathered friends.
+%
+Brigands will demand your money or
+your life, but a woman will demand both.
+		-- Samuel Butler
+%
+Bringing your mate to a convention is like taking a game warden hunting.
+%
+Britain has lowered the tax on chastity belts by about 60 cents each...
+[reclassifying them] as a safety device rather than... clothing
+		-- NY Times
+%
+Brother Jim's recent appearance on the William and Mary campus this past
+week was cut short by an ingenious device designed by two computer science
+students.  A three-foot bar of extruded aluminum was precisely machined,
+with a hole milled down the center of precisely the dimensions of one of
+the small Gideon bibles.  The end capped off, a CO2 canister was connected
+to provide up to 2,000 PSIG.  Prelimary estimates during field testing
+revealed a muzzle velocity of approximarly 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting
+the tube.  Sufficient ammunition was obtained during a previous visit to
+campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on
+Brother Jim, who suffered a broken rib and numerous small bruises, in
+addition to the usual humiliation.
+%
+brunette bush, n:
+	The dark side of the moon.
+%
+bug, n:
+	A son of a glitch.
+%
+Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee 
+Ingenuity did exactly that.  But their true stroke of genius was the new bait.
+The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about 
+cheese, except mice.  But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with 
+tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped.
+		-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
+%
+"But if it's 80% glucose, then why does it taste salty?"
+		-- Anonymous med school student.
+%
+But they'll never mechanize me -- not me!
+Said Charlotte, the Louisville harlot.
+		-- S.I. Hayakawa
+%
+But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
+		-- Virginia Masters, of Master & Johnson
+%
+Buy old masters.  They fetch better prices than old mistresses.
+		-- Lord Beaverbrook
+%
+By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you
+get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
+		-- Socrates
+%
+CAD:
+	A man who doesn't tell his wife
+	that he's sterile until she's pregnant.
+%
+CALIFORNIA:
+	From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English 'calorie' or
+	Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual intercourse" or
+	"fornication." Hence:  Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
+		-- Ed Moran, Covina, California
+%
+Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus...
+%
+callgirl, n:
+	A negotiable blond.
+%
+Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
+		-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
+%
+Camille's Axiom:
+	If you haven't asked yourself, "Why the hell did
+	I go to college anyway?", you must be teaching.
+%
+Canada is so square even the female impersonators are women.
+		-- From the movie "Outrageous"
+%
+CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
+	You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems.
+	They think you are a sucker.  You are always putting things off.
+	That's why you'll never make anything of yourself.  Most welfare
+	recipients are Cancer people.
+%
+Candy
+Is dandy
+But liquor
+Is quicker.
+		-- Ogden Nash, "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
+
+Fortune updates the great quotes: #53.
+	Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker,
+	and sex won't rot your teeth.
+%
+Captain Hook died of jock itch.
+%
+"Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty,"
+the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his
+client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is
+a hole in the ground."
+%
+Catholicism has changed tremendously in the recent years.  Now when
+Communion is served there is also a salad bar.
+		-- Bill Marr
+%
+Ce livre est dedie a Chagrin,		This book is dedicated to Chagrin,
+Qui fit un petit mannequin:		Who fashioned a small doll:
+	Sans bras et tout noir,			Without arms and all black,
+	Il etait affreux voir;			It was horrible sight;
+En effet, absolument la fin.		In effect, the absolute end.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+Chaste makes waste.
+%
+Chastity:
+	The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
+		-- Aldous Huxley
+%
+CHASTITY BELT:
+	An anti-trust suit.
+
+	(And an unchivalrous knight is the one that files it.)
+%
+Chastity is its own punishment.
+%
+Chicago has journalists' bars, ethnic bars, neighborhood bars, even midget
+bars, hundreds, maybe thousands of bars, on on every neighborhood block.
+I was drinking on afternoon in O'Rourke's, a bar on the Near North side.
+It was dark and empty, which suited my mood.  A fat, stubble-bearded,
+middle-aged man waddled in, took the stool next to mine, and ordered a
+beer.  He was completely unremarkable, except that he was dressed, head
+to toe, in a white-lace wedding gown.  After a silence, I said, "Been to
+a wedding?"
+	He brushed back his veil, rustled his petticoats and said, "Uh...
+yeah."
+	He silently finished his drink and left.  The bartender said, "You
+know, even the transvestites in this town have five o'clock shadows."
+%
+Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
+Jack Frost ripping up your nose
+Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
+And folks dressed up like buffaloes
+Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
+Helps to make the season right
+Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
+Will find it hard to see tonight
+They know that Santa's on his way
+He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
+And every mother's child is sure to spy
+To see if reindeer really scream when they die
+And so I'm offering this simple phrase
+To kids from one to ninety two
+Although it's been said many times, many ways
+Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
+%
+Chorus:
+	I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war,
+	I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground,
+	And livin' off the favors of a 'igh-born lady.
+	I don't want a bullet up me arse 'ole,
+	I don't want me pecker blown away,
+	I'd rather live in England, in jolly, sunny, England,
+	And fornicate me bloody life away!!
+
+Monday I touched her on the ankle,
+Tuesday I touched her on the knee,
+And Wednesday after Mass, I lifted up her dress,
+And Thursday I saw you know what,
+Friday I put me 'and upon it,
+Saturday she gave me balls a tweak [tweak, tweak]
+And Sunday after supper, I ran me fucker up 'er,
+And now she pays me forty quid a week!
+Oh, blimey...
+
+[chorus]
+%
+CHRIST:
+	A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
+%
+Christ died for our sins.  Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not
+committing them?
+		-- Jules Feiffer
+%
+CHRISTIAN:
+	One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
+	book, admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+CHRISTIAN:
+	One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far
+	as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
+%
+Christianity and Judaism aren't all that different, really.  Growing up in
+a Christian family, the feeling of guilt for Man's sins comes from God.
+In a Jewish family, it comes from your parents.
+%
+CHRISTMAS:
+	A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry 
+	salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best
+	response time of the entire year.
+%
+CHRISTMAS:
+	A time when each of us gets to reflect upon what we each most
+	deeply and sincerely believe in.  Money.  At the mall of our
+	choice.
+%
+Christmas comes but once a year,
+A time for love and laughter;
+You can come much more than that,
+But you have to clean up after.
+%
+Cinderella 10:
+	A woman who sucks and fucks 'til midnight and
+	then turns into a pizza and a six-pack.
+%
+Clark Kent is a transvestite.
+%
+Clarke's Third Law:
+	Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
+	magic.
+
+G's Third Law:
+	In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
+	is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
+
+H's Dictum:
+	There is no magic ...
+%
+Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck,
+and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary.
+		-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
+%
+Cleveland still lives.  God MUST be dead.
+%
+clitoris, n:
+	A haired trigger.
+%
+CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
+
+Oh, give me a clone
+Of my own flesh and bone
+	With the Y chromosome changed to X.
+And when she is grown,
+My very own clone,
+	We'll be of the opposite sex.
+Chorus:
+	Clone, clone of my own,
+	With the Y chromosome changed to X.
+	And when we're alone,
+	Since her mind is my own,
+	She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
+		-- Randall Garrett
+%
+Close the door, let me give you what you've been waiting for!!
+%
+COCAINE:
+	The thinking man's Dristan.
+%
+Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
+%
+Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
+%
+Cocaine isn't habit forming.  I should know -- I've been using it for years.
+		-- Tallulah Bankhead
+%
+Cocaine: using tomorrow's energy today.
+%
+Cocaine's a joke!
+	(Who's got the next line?)
+%
+cock-sucker, n:
+	Someone who got caught doing what you got away with.
+%
+Coffee without caffeine.  Beer without alcohol.  Milk without fat.
+What's next?  Bridal suites with bunk beds?
+		-- Orben's Current Comedy
+%
+Coito ergo sum
+%
+coitus interruptus, n:
+	A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner)
+	"I want to have your child."
+%
+Coitus is punishment for the happiness of being together.  Live as
+ascetically as possible... that is the only possible way for me to
+endure marriage.  But she?
+		-- Franz Kafka
+%
+Coitus upon a cadaver
+Is the ultimate way you can have 'er.
+	Her inanimate state
+	Means a man needn't wait,
+And eliminates all the palaver.
+%
+COLD:
+	When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
+%
+cold, adj:
+	When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant.
+%
+College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in,
+and nine months later you wish you'd never come.
+%
+Come along and sing a song and join our family.
+B & D
+S & M
+Post to A.S.B.!
+Rope and leather, cuffs and cats, and toys from JTT.
+B & D
+S & M
+Post to A.S.B.!
+A.S.B.!
+	(A.S.B.!)
+A.S.B.!
+	(A.S.B.!)
+Come on now, let's try another tie!
+	(Tie! Tie! Tie!)
+All the kinky folks are here, and some on IRC.
+B & D
+S & M
+Post on A.S.B.!
+		-- To the Mickey Mouse March
+%
+Come on, Virginia, don't make me wait!
+Catholic girls start much too late,
+Ah, but sooner or later, it comes down to fate,
+I might as well be the one.
+Well, they showed you a statue, told you to pray,
+Built you a temple and locked you away,
+Ah, but they never told you the price that you paid,
+The things that you might have done.
+So come on, Virginia, show me a sign,
+Send up a signal, I'll throw you a line,
+That stained glass curtain that you're hiding behind,
+Never lets in the sun.
+Darling, only the good die young!
+		-- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
+%
+Come up and see me sometime.  Come Wednesday, that's amateur night.
+		-- Mae West
+%
+COMMENT:
+	A superfluous element of a source program included so the
+	programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing
+	six months later.  Only the weak-minded need them, according
+	to those who think they aren't.
+%
+Communists do it without class.
+%
+Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion.
+%
+computerfirm nymphomaniac, n:
+	Hot Apple pie.
+%
+Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
+
+	[Taking a shower in raincoat?  Ed.]
+%
+Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphrams.
+		-- Robin Williams
+%
+Confucious say:
+	man who lay girl on hill, not on level.
+	man who pull out too fast leave rubber.
+	man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
+	modern house without toilet uncanny.
+	man with athletic finger make broad jump
+	woman should not marry basketball players -- they dribble before
+		they shoot.
+	man who sleep in road wake up with run-down feeling.
+	woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, may get tit bit.
+	child conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission
+		turn out to be shiftless bastard.
+	a smart man knows on which side his broad is better.
+	man who arrives late to party will find himself beaten to the punch!
+%
+Confucious say:
+	man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
+	man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs.
+	man and mouse the same, both end up in pussy.
+	boy who play with himself pulls boner.
+	woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
+	man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
+	man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
+	man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
+	man who lie under car, get tired -- man who stand behind car,
+		get exhausted.
+%
+Confucious say:
+	woman who put man in dog house find him in cat house.
+	woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring
+		next spring.
+	man who kiss girl's behind, get crack in face.
+	passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
+	man who kicked in testicles get left holding bag.
+	man who suck nipples make clean breast of things.
+	woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine.
+	woman's irginity like balloon, one prick and all gone.
+	Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best.
+	squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
+	eplileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one.
+	seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
+%
+Confucious say:
+	woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town.
+	fool man climb tree to get cherries;  wise man spread limbs.
+	woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up.
+	man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement.
+	man who make love on ground have piece on Earth.
+	man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key.
+	man who fights with wife all day, gets not peace at night.
+	man who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
+	man with head up ass have shitty outlook on life.
+	man who streak unsuited for work.
+	woman who bathe in vinegar have sour puss.
+	man who beat off in car have hot rod.
+%
+CONFUSION:
+	One woman plus one left turn.
+EXCITEMENT:
+	Two women plus one secret.
+BEDLAM:
+	Three women plus one bargain.
+CHAOS:
+	Four women plus one luncheon check.
+%
+confusion, n:
+	Father's Day in San Francisco.
+%
+CONSULTANT:
+	Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
+%
+continental breakfast, n:
+	A roll in bed with some honey.
+%
+Coors, n:
+	Like making love in a canoe -- fucking close to water.
+%
+Copa-ulation:
+(to the tune of Copacabana)
+
+Her name was Lola, she was a bimbo, with yellow streamers in her hair,
+She wore see-through underwear, she'd go to discos, and do the go-go,
+And while she tried to be star, Tony jacked off on the bar,
+And when the dance was done, his hand was full of come,
+His favorite drink is cream in coffee,
+Won't you order one?
+
+At the Copa, Copa-ulation ...
+
+Her name was Lola, she was a show-girl,
+But that was thirty years ago, when she still could slurp and blow,
+Now she's a sado, but not for Tony, still in her chains and leather gown,
+She ties Rico to the ground, and fucks that boy half-blind,
+But Rico, he don't mind, there are whips and a lot of beatings,
+But a real good time ...
+%
+Couples in motion have moments.
+%
+courage, n:
+	Two cannibals having oral sex.
+%
+Cover your stump before you hump.
+Before you attack her, wrap your wacker.
+Don't be silly... protect your Willie.
+Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
+If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it.
+		-- National Condom Week
+%
+Cox's philosophy:
+	Life's a bitch, then you die.
+%
+coyote love, n:
+	Coyote love is a nebulous term.  Basically, what it involves is
+	the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles 
+	bar.  Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping
+	on your arm.  So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you 
+	chew off your arm at the shoulder.
+
+coyote ugly, adj:
+	When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for
+	a one-armed man!
+%
+coyote love, n:
+	Coyote love is a nebulous term.  Basically, what it involves is
+	the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles 
+	bar.  Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping
+	on your arm.  So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you 
+	chew off your arm at the shoulder.
+
+coyote ugly, adj:
+	When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for
+	a one-armed man!
+
+See also proof that average instantaneous beauty increases monotonically
+as alcohol consumption increases and time, t, approaches last call.
+%
+"Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple
+and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and
+because good teachers understand exactly why it is false.  What could be
+more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our
+entire intellectualy heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing
+honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment
+to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any
+general understanding of science as an enterprise?
+		-- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer"
+%
+crew, n:
+	Eight big men and their cute little cox.
+%
+Cried Miss Pratt : "What are you staring at?
+I know - you don't have to say that!
+	All you guys want of me
+	Is a poke where I pee,
+And it's pounding my ass mighty flat!"
+%
+Crinklaw's Observation:
+	Nowadays the order of life is reversed: Sex is first enjoyed,
+	marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence.
+%
+Cum Hilde autem ambulabat
+Homo qui aedificabat.
+	Dixit volebat.  Debet et potebat.
+	Sic ille ducebat.  Statim faciebat.
+Sed virginem pine necebat.
+%
+Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness.
+%
+Curiousity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
+%
+Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-studies text,
+"what did you do during the sexual revolution?"
+	"Well, son," his father confided, "I guess you could say I was
+captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes."
+%
+Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true,
+Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw?
+I really must beg your pardon,
+But I've got a hell of a hard-on,
+From beating my meat, against the seat,
+Of a bicycle built for two.
+		-- "Daisy, Daisy", "The Dirty Song Book"
+%
+Dallas still lives.  God MUST be dead.
+%
+Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches
+Got on with her grooms and her wenches:
+	She went down on the gents,
+	And pronged the girl's vents
+With a clitoris reaching six inches.
+%
+Dames lie about anything -- just for practice.
+		-- Raymond Chandler
+%
+Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you?
+FIRST you rape, THEN you pillage!!
+%
+Damned if I know.  And you can be fuckin' sure I'll never rent no car
+from Avis again.
+		-- Herbie Sperling, on the meaning of two pistols and an
+		axe used in three murders being found in the trunk of his
+		rented car.
+
+If you guys have a beef with her, that's her problem.  Don't lay it on
+me.  The old lady has to take care of her own weight.
+		-- Herbie Sperling, convicted heroin dealer, on being
+		arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house.
+
+	At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time
+stand-up guy.
+	Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client.
+He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong
+path.  Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison
+sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted.
+	Then the judge turned to Sperling.  "Mr. Sperling, is there anything
+you wish to say?"
+	"Yes, Your Honor.  If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've
+got another think coming.  You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers,
+you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..."
+		-- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game"
+%
+Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention.
+%
+Dave has an areoplane,
+In which he likes to frisk.
+Oh what a foolish boy,
+His silly *.
+%
+David was just a shepherd who liked to get his rocks off in leather.
+%
+De Hispanice puella verumque
+Simplex oris verborumque
+	Tulit potens vagina
+	Hominum agmina
+Iterum iterum iterumque.
+%
+Dear Abby:
+	I have two brothers.  One was sent to the electric chair when I was
+a child.  My mother died in an insane asylum.  My father is a pimp and my
+sister is a very successful and highly paid prostitute.  My other brother
+is a graduate student attending Purdue University.
+	Recently I met a wonderful girl who has just been released from prison
+for murdering her illegitimate child with a Zip-loc sandwich bag.  We're very
+much in love and want to be married after her venereal disease is cured.
+	My problem is this: should I tell her about my brother at Purdue?
+
+		Sincerely,
+		Undecided.
+%
+Dear Abby:
+	I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously.  I
+think she's the one for me.  There's just one problem: I can't remember
+from our first date if she told me she had TB or VD.  What should I do?
+			--Confused
+
+Dear Confused:
+	If she coughs, fuck her.
+%
+Dear Ann Landers:
+	I have a problem.  I have two brothers; one works for the Illinois
+Bell Telephone Company, the other brother was just sentenced to death
+in the electric chair for murder.  My mother died from insanity when 
+I was three years old.  My two sisters are prostitutes and my father
+sells narcotics.
+	I recently met girl who was just released from a reformatory where
+she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death.  I love
+this girl and want to marry her.  My problem is this -- dare I tell her
+about my brother who works for Illinois Bell?
+		-- Confused.
+%
+Dear Ann Landers:
+	My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday.  He claims
+one minister said there are 350 different sins.  My husband wants to
+know if you can get the list.  He thinks he is missing something.
+		-- E.J. Mayfield
+%
+Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
+This visage meek and humble,
+And hear this confidential plea
+Voiced in reverent mumble:
+	Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
+	But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
+		-- Ansel Adams
+%
+Dear Miss Manners:
+Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face.
+
+Gentle Reader:
+Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face.
+If the gentleman sprayed you inadvertently to accompany enthusiastic
+discourse, you may step back two paces, bring out your handkerchief,
+and go through the motions of wiping your nose, while trailing the cloth
+along your face to pick up whatever needs mopping along the route.  If,
+however, the substance was acquired as a result of enthusiasm of a more
+intimate nature, you may delicately retrieve it with a flick of your
+pink tongue.
+%
+Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this
+telegram was sent from a wife to her husband:
+	"NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE."
+%
+Desperate because her husband hadn't made love to her in months, a lonely
+housewife finally mustered her courage and went to their doctor for advice.
+The doctor was very sympathetic and wrote out a prescription for pills that
+were guaranteed to rekindle the husband's ardor in a big way.  "They'll make
+him horny as hell," the doctor confided, "but they're very potent, so just
+put one in whatever he's drinking."
+	Upon arriving home, the woman left the pills on the kitchen counter
+and dashed off to the supermarket.  It didn't take long before the cat jumped
+up, knocked them over onto the floor, and ate a couple, as did the family
+dog.  And when the husband got home with a headache, he took a few thinking
+they were aspirin.
+	When the housewife returned, she was horrified to see the dog humping
+the cat and the cat jumping all over the dog, but even stranger was the sight
+of her husband with his penis inside the pencil sharpener on the counter.
+"What in heaven's name are you doing, John?" she cried.
+	"See that mosquito?" he replied.
+%
+Dial 911.  Make a cop come.
+%
+diaphragm, n:
+	A childproof cap.
+%
+dicker, v:
+	What you do to your wife if arguing doesn't work.
+%
+Did Detroit invent the back seat to destroy the morals of America?
+		-- Ed Sanders
+%
+Did you hear about...
+	the butcher who dropped his cleaver and went home half-cocked?
+%
+Did you hear about...
+	the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
+%
+Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother
+her age?  She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't
+ask it again.  He then asked her her weight.  She, once again, told him that
+she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again.  The next
+question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced.  Once again, she told
+him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question
+again.
+	Some time later, she found him looking through her purse.  Sharply
+asking him what he was doing resulted in him beamingly telling her that he
+had found the answers to all of his questions!
+	"Mom", he said, "your driver's license says you're 34 years old, weigh
+125 pounds, and you and Daddy probably divorced 'cause you got an 'F' in sex!"
+%
+Did you hear about the nearsighted fetishist who got off on the wrong foot?
+%
+Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
+You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
+%
+Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
+He was blown down the street by a rocket.
+	The force of the blast
+	Blew his balls up his ass,
+And his pecker was found in his pocket.
+%
+Did you hear they cancelled Easter this year?
+Found the body.
+%
+Did you know that some people your age have sex
+thirty-seven times in a week?  And die immediately after?
+%
+Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"?
+%
+Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
+%
+Dig it, first they killed those pigs, then they ate dinner in the same
+room with them, then they even shoved a fork in a victim's stomach.  Wild!
+		-- Bernadine Dohrn, on the Manson killings
+%
+Disclaimer of the Week:
+	Any Society Which Requires Disclaimers Has Too Many Goddamn Lawyers.
+%
+Disillusioned words like bullets bark,
+As human gods aim for their mark,
+Make everything from toy guns that spark
+To flesh-colored christs that glow in the dark.
+It's easy to see without looking too far
+That not much is really sacred.
+%
+Distributed Systems people do it loosely coupled.
+%
+DIVE!!!  DIVE!!!  DIVE!!!
+UP PERISCOPE!!!
+
+(Ooops, sorry, wrong fantasy.)
+%
+divorce, n:
+	A change of wife.
+%
+Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
+%
+Do married women make the best wives?
+%
+Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first
+step.  The second is justification of herself by accusation of you.
+		-- DeGourmont
+%
+Do not rejoice in his defeat, you men,
+For though the world stood up
+And stopped the bastard,
+The bitch that bore him is in heat again.
+		-- Bertolt Brecht
+%
+Do something big -- fuck a giant.
+%
+"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
+"Who else?" answered the patient.
+%
+Do you smoke after sex?
+Why, do you know, I've never looked!
+%
+Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
+%
+Documentation is like sex:  when it is good, it is very,
+very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
+		-- Dick Brandon
+%
+Does he treat your breasts like unripe grapefruit?  Who needs him?
+		-- `J', "The Sensuous Woman"
+%
+Does it rape elephants?
+		-- Brent Byer
+%
+Doing business with the government is like fucking sheep.
+It's easy, but it's not very satisfying.
+%
+Don't accept rides from strange men -- and remember that all men
+are strange as hell.
+		-- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful"
+%
+Don't dip your wick in a WAC,
+Don't ride the breast of a WAVE,
+	Just sit in the sand
+	And do it by hand,
+And buy bonds with the money you save.
+%
+Don't forget to support the ERA apersonment.
+%
+Don't get the idea that I'm one of those goddamn radicals.  Don't get the
+idea that I'm knocking the American system.
+		-- Al Capone
+%
+Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
+		-- Bo Diddley
+%
+Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!!
+%
+Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse.
+%
+Dope will get you through times of no money
+better than money will get you through times of no dope!
+		-- Freewheelin' Franklin, "The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers"
+%
+Down by the old model T,
+Where she first showed it to me.
+	It was furry and black,
+	And she called it a crack,
+But it looked like a manhole to me.
+%
+Draft beer, not boys!
+%
+Dry fucking: that's man on top of woman, the action is the same as fucking,
+but you're dressed.  It's great for the girl... you're hitting and rubbing
+exactly the area that you ought to be... I still like that.
+		-- Grace Slick
+%
+Due to a mixup in urology, orange juice will not be served this morning.
+%
+Dull women have immaculate homes.
+%
+DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell
+Built a world-circling pussy cartel,
+	And by planned obsolescence,
+	So controlled detumescence,
+A poor man could not get a smell.
+%
+During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves of
+Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless London,
+Prime Minister Churchill went on the air to address the British people.  "I
+read this morning's paper that Herr Hitler plans to wring England's neck like
+that of a chicken," he began, "and I was reminded of what the Irish poacher
+said as he stood on the gallows.  It seems the poor fellow was approached by a
+well-meaning if somewhat overzealous priest who, in horrific detail, described
+the unfading torments of Hades which awaited him if he did not repent of his
+misdeeds. The condemned man listened patiently to all that the priest had to
+say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, 'Eat it raw, fuzz
+nuts.'"
+		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
+%
+dyke, n:
+	A woman who kick-starts her vibrator.  And rolls her own
+	tampons.
+%
+Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror.
+%
+Dyslexics have more fnu.
+%
+DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!
+%
+Early to bed and early to rise makes a man a helluva big nuisance.
+%
+Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
+%
+Eat shit and die a virgin!
+%
+Economists are still trying to figure out why the
+girls with the least principle draw the most interest.
+%
+EE's do it without shorts.
+%
+Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.
+		-- Chinese Proverb
+%
+Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.  The rest cheat in Europe.
+		-- Jackie Mason
+%
+Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
+	1)  Cucumbers can stay up all night,
+		and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot.
+	2)  Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
+	3)  You won't find out later that your cucumber
+		...is married
+		...is on penicillin
+		...likes you -- but loves your brother!
+	4)  A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
+	5)  A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
+	6)  Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
+	7)  Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
+	8)  A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
+	9)  Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
+	10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
+	11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
+%
+embarrassment, n:
+	Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap.
+%
+Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
+professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast
+as a male schlemiel.
+		-- Ewald Nyquist
+%
+Erogenous zone, n:
+	The skin you touch to love.
+%
+Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz,
+Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz.
+	Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen,
+	Ich hore Mann kommen."
+"Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz."
+%
+eternity, n:
+	The length of time between when you come and he leaves.
+%
+Ethnologists up with the Sioux
+Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
+	The answer next day,
+	Said, "Girls on the way,
+But what the hell's a `panoe'?"
+%
+Evangelists do it with Him watching.
+%
+Even bytes get lonely for a little bit.
+%
+Evening hours "all clear" for romance!
+(Tell mate you have to work late.)
+%
+Ever notice that the women who are against abortion are the ones you
+wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
+		-- George Carlin
+%
+Ever wondered why you always run out of breath when you throw up?
+Ah, but a man's retch should exceed his gasp, else what's a heaving for?
+%
+Every harlot was a virgin once.
+		-- William Blake
+%
+Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
+closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive
+like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume
+and at least a pint of ether.
+		-- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
+%
+Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
+closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then
+drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas.
+		-- Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
+closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
+then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas.
+		-- Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+Everyone:	"Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you,
+		Amen!"
+Bruce:		"Another two!  (Bottles opening.)  Any questions?"
+Bruce:		"New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?"
+Bruce:		"Are you a Poofter?"
+New-Bruce:	"No!"
+Bruce:		"No.  Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules:
+	Rule One!"
+Everyone:	"NO POOFTERS!"
+Bruce:		"Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos
+	in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching.  Rule Three?"
+Everyone:	"NO POOFTERS!"
+Bruce:		"Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not
+	drinking.  Rule Five..."
+Everyone:	"NO POOFTERS!"
+Bruce:		"Rule Six, there is NO... Rule Six.  Rule Seven..."
+Everyone:	"NO POOFTERS!"
+Bruce:		"Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce.  This
+	here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a
+	bottle, you can hold it in your hand.  Amen!
+		-- Monty Python
+%
+Everyone has the right, without exception, to equal pay for equal work.
+Except for women.
+%
+Everyone in the office is welcome to join the group going to the Columbus
+Theater tonight.  Meet in the lobby at 8:30.  The films are "Blue Jennifer" 
+and "Hot Coed Cheerleaders".
+%
+Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence.  These silly humans
+are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority.
+	Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by
+cats.
+	You wouldn't see cats having waste disposal problems.
+	They're neat.
+	They don't have sexual hangups.  A cat gets horny, it does something
+about it.
+	They keep reasonable hours.  You *never* see a cat up before noon.
+	They know how to relax.  Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer?  
+	What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war?  Pretty neglible.
+It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to
+do with ones time.  Like lie in the sun and sleep.  Or go exploring the world.
+%
+Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
+		-- Ellyn Mustard
+%
+exotic dancer, n:
+	A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time.
+%
+Exuberant Sue from Anjou
+Found that fucking affected her hue.
+	She presented to sight
+	Nipples pink, bottom white;
+But her asshole was purple and blue.
+%
+falsie salesman, n:
+	Fuller bust man.
+%
+Famous last words:
+	1: Everything that you'll need to know is in the manual.
+	2: You and what army?
+	3: Don't worry, I can handle it.
+	4: If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't
+		be a cop.
+	5: I don't see how they make a profit
+		out of this stuff at a dollar and a quarter a fifth.
+	6: We're just getting into semantics again.
+	7: Everything's under control.
+	8: He's an asshole!  Don't try to "shush" me!
+%
+Fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside.  You had an arse full
+of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows,
+long windy ones, quick little merry cracks...
+		-- James Joyce
+%
+Fed some caviar to my girlfriend
+She was a virgin tried and true
+Now my girlfriend needs no urgin'
+There ain't nothin' she won't do!
+	Caviar comes from a Virgin Sturgeon -
+	Virgin Sturgeon's a very fine fish.
+	Virgin Sturgeon needs no urgin'
+	That's why caviar is my dish!
+
+Fed some caviar to my Grandpa
+He was a man of ninety-three
+Shrieks and screams were heard from Grandma
+He had chased her up a tree!
+	(chorus)
+%
+felt tip, v:
+	Past tense for a breast examination!
+%
+Female ballet dancers are the bravest girls around.  Who else would take a
+flying leap into the arms of a homosexual and expect to be caught?
+		-- Rita Rudner
+%
+female, n:
+	Life support system for a pussy.
+%
+Feminism, n:
+	A political position which seeks to rebuild society so that
+	both men and women are treated as women wish to be treated.
+%
+Feminists just want the human race to be a tie.
+%
+Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
+women.  They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
+handbags are full.
+		-- Earl Wilson
+%
+Fie for shame,
+you lascivious, lewd, lecherous,
+libidinous, lustful, licentious, dirty bum!!
+%
+Fig Newton.
+%
+Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
+%
+Filth and old age, I'm sure you will agree,
+Are powerful wardens upon chastity.
+		-- Geoffrey Chaucer
+%
+Finally, a reporter got a chance to interview Tarzan.
+
+Reporter: Tarzan?  Is that your first or last name?
+Tarzan:   Tarzan first name.
+Reporter: Then, what's your whole name?
+Tarzan:   Tarzan of the Apes.
+Reporter: And who is the woman with you?
+Tarzan:   That Jane.
+Reporter: And what's Jane's whole name?
+Tarzan:   Cunt.
+%
+First you get down on your knees,	Get in line in that processional,
+Fiddle with your rosaries,		Step into that small confessional,
+Bow your head with great respect,	There the guy who's got religion'll
+And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!	Tell you if your sins' original.
+Do whatever steps you want if		If it is, try playin' it safer,
+You have cleared them with the Pontiff,	Drink the wine and chew the wafer,
+Ev'rybody say his own			Two, four, six eight,
+Kyrie eleison,				Time to transubstantiate!
+Doin' the Vatican Rag.
+
+So get down upon your knees,		Make a cross on your abdomen,
+Fiddle with your rosaries,		When in Rome do like a Roman,
+Bow your head with great respect,	Ave Maria,
+And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!	Gee, it's good to see ya,
+	Gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an' Doin' the Vatican Rag!
+		-- Tom Lehrer, "The Vatican Rag"
+%
+Five-foot nine, eyes that shine
+He was born in Palestine
+Has anybody seen my Lord?
+
+He's so cool, he's so fine
+Eat his bread and drink his wine
+Has anybody seen my Lord?
+
+He's so neat, he's so cool,
+Walks across my swimming pool.
+Has anybody...
+%
+Flappity, floppity, flip
+The mouse on the Mobius strip;
+	The strip revolved,
+	The mouse dissolved
+In a chronodimensional skip.
+%
+Flirt, n:
+	A girl whose favorite man is the next one.
+%
+Floating idly one day through the air,
+A circus performer named Blair,
+	Tied a sizeable rock,
+	To the end of his cock,
+And shattered a balcony chair.
+%
+Floppy now, hard later.
+%
+Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest.  This cat allowed himself
+to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched
+by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really
+bombed.  And he came to believe that work, show business, love, his whole
+life, even himself and all that jazz was bullshit.  He became numero uno
+gameplayer.  Uh, to the point where he didn't know where the games ended
+and the reality began.  Like to this cat, the only reality... is death, man.
+Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you, a so-so entertainer, not much of
+a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend.  In his final
+appearance on the great stage of life, uh, you can applaud if you want to,
+Mr. Joe Gideon!!
+		-- All That Jazz
+%
+Fond of equestrians, Mabel
+Looked for true love in the stable.
+	But she found the studs,
+	For her were all duds,
+Now she's out with the leg of a table.
+%
+For a gay time, call 632-9483.  Ask for Brucie.
+%
+For a good time, call 632-9484.  Ask for Cathy.
+%
+For a good time, call 632-9485.  Ask for Michael.
+%
+For a house-to-house salesman named Moore,
+Getting housewives' attention's no chore:
+	He's endowed with a dong
+	That is 12 inches long,
+So he wedges his foot in the door.
+%
+For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all.
+		-- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry
+
+When should a man marry?  A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all.
+		-- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life"
+%
+For children, a woman.
+For pleasure, a boy.
+For sheer ecstasy, a melon.
+%
+For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an 
+exquisite nightgown of imported lace.  The next week her salary was
+raised!
+%
+For months the loving newlywed had asked his blushing bride to perform oral
+sex on him, but to no avail.  His sweet entreaties never worked, for she was
+simply too innocent and inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let
+alone attempt it.  But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and
+one night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act.  When it was
+over, she looked deeply into his eyes, blushed, and asked, "How was I,
+sweetheart?"
+	He looked at her and replied, "How should I know -- I'm no
+cocksucker!"
+%
+For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
+That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
+	But the one remedy
+	For contagious V.D.
+Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
+%
+For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
+That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
+	But the one remedy
+	For contagious V.D.
+Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.		
+%
+"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
+"You have told me my bosom is snowy;
+	You have made much fine verse on
+	Each part of my person,
+Now do something -- there's a good boy!"
+%
+fornication, n:
+	Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#15
+
+Sex:
+	Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
+foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
+
+Maturity:
+	Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can
+function as adults.  Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards
+and giving each other wedgies after gym class.  This is why high school
+romances rarely work out.
+
+Handwriting:
+	To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just
+chicken-scratch.  Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their
+"i's" with circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large loops in their
+"p's" and "g's".  It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman.  Even
+when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#18
+
+Sexual frequency:
+	The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every
+morning, or maybe both if he's under 25.  The average woman would like to
+have sex non-stop all weekend, once a month.
+
+Shopping:
+	It's no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck were all men.
+Men don't like to shop.  If a man can't foist the job off on some woman, he
+will grit his teeth and plan the outing as he would a jungle expedition.
+He wants a map of the store showing where he has to go to get item X in
+color Y in the correct size, which he doesn't know.  Even then it takes him
+half an hour to get there from the entrance.  When he's finally accomplished
+his mission, he'll discover that he forgot his checkbook.  Women shop to
+relax.
+%
+Fortune Personals:
+	SWBiM, 29.  Gr/Fr/Mild English.  Have
+	own moose, hoop.  Sincere inquiries
+	only.  Discreet.  Fortune P.O. Box 1910.
+%
+Fortune presents:
+	USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #3.
+
+Kie estas la plej proksima masa^gejo?	Where's the nearest massage parlor?
+Vi dolorigas min.			You're hurting me.
+Mi deziras viziti usonan kuraciston.	I want to see an American doctor.
+Mi deziras a^ceti kontraugraveda^jojn.	I would like to buy some
+						contraceptives.
+^Cu tiu estis ankau bona por ci?	Was it good for you too?
+%
+Fortune presents:
+	USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #4.
+Mia ^svebo^sipo estas plena je angiloj.	My hovercraft is full of eels.
+Neniu anticipas la hispanan		No one expects the Spanish
+	Inkvizicion.				Inquisition.
+La solvo estas kvardekdu.		The answer is forty-two.
+Adiau, kaj dankoj por ^ciom da fi^so.	So long, and thanks for all the fish.
+^Cu estas krajono en via po^so, au ^cu	Is that a pencil in your pocket,
+	vi feli^cas pri vidi min?		or are you happy to see me?
+%
+Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
+
+Try:
+	[Where is Jimmy Hoffa?			(C shell)
+	^How did the^sex change operation go?	(C shell)
+	"How would you rate BSD vs. System V?
+	%blow					(C shell)
+	'thou shalt not mow thy grass at 8am'	(C shell)
+	got a light?				(C shell)
+	!!:Say, what do you think of margarine?	(C shell)
+	PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense	(Bourne shell)
+	make love
+	make "the perfect dry martini"
+	man -kisses dog				(anything up to 4.3BSD)
+	i=Hoffa ; >$i; $i; rm $i; rm $i		(Bourne shell)
+%
+FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #3
+
+You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor.  The success of this
+proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%.  In the middle of your
+proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into
+your coffee.  You:
+
+	(a)  Tell him you take your coffee black.
+	(b)  Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
+	(c)  Show him who's in command; promptly take a piss in his
+		"In" basket.
+	(d)  Take a sip and comment how much better it tastes.
+%
+FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #5
+
+You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and
+tell your boss that nobody but ladies of the evening and football players
+live there.  He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay.  You:
+
+	(a)  Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't
+		remember your name.
+	(b)  Ask what position she played.
+	(c)  Ask if she is still working the streets.
+	(d)  Pull lacy underwear from your raincoat pocket and ask
+		if he recognizes the label.
+%
+FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #6
+
+You are having lunch with a prospective vendor talking about what could be
+your best deal of the year.  During the conversation a blonde walks into
+the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion's attention
+to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone
+in your hotel.  She walks over to your table and the vendor introduces her as
+his daughter.  Your next move is to:
+
+	(a)  Ask for her hand in marriage.
+	(b)  Pass out and hope for sympathy.
+	(c)  Forget the business; repeat the conversation to the
+		daughter and get her number.
+	(d)  Turn red and slink off into the men's room.
+%
+FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #7
+You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
+and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
+there.  He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay.  You:
+
+	(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
+		name.
+	(b) Ask what position she played.
+	(c) Pull a pair of lacey underwear from your pocket and ask if
+		he recognizes the label.
+%
+FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #9
+
+You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
+in the plushest office you've ever seen.  The enchillada casserole and
+egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
+Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
+bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.  You:
+
+	(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
+	(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
+	(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
+%
+Fortune understands that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality
+could go either way.
+%
+Fortune's Guide to Movies:
+G:   No girl.
+PG:  The hero gets the girl.
+R:   The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl.
+X:   The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
+	which end it will be.
+XXX: Everybody gets the girl.
+%
+Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #1
+
+	Any attempt to say that someone's personal beliefs are wrong, even if
+you supply conclusive evidence to support your claim, is an outright attack.
+If you show someone a flaw in his/her logic, they have every right to punch
+you in the face.  Mathematical proofs of errors are the moral equivalent
+of rape and should be avoided at all cost.
+	Now... your opponent has requested a "rational discussion".  What do
+you do?  Well, remember that people are normally willing to discuss things
+rationally if and only if you agree with them; anything less would obviously
+not be rational.  Therefore, agree immediately, and continue as before.
+	Always assume that whenever you see someone making a statement about
+"certain parties who shall remain nameless", "some people", "assholes", etc.,
+they are talking about *you*.  It is also correct to assume that words you
+don't understand, such as "prestidigatory", "lapidarian", and "buprestid",
+are direct personal attacks aimed at your loved ones and merit an equally
+scathing response.  Failure to do this results in many lost opportunities for
+rational discussion.  (See above.)
+%
+Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #3
+
+The proper time for a vicious ad hominem attack is when you have no logical
+recourse.  If you have been arguing a point with a person or persons for
+30 odd weeks, and an memo comes across that logically tears down the
+final shred of evidence that you thought you had, that is the time to call
+the author of that memo:
+	1: a mindless twit who attacks other people's beliefs for no reason.
+	2: an egotistical flaming typical wombat aggie melon-humping
+	   cheese-whizzing nanosexual subuseless clamsucker whose memos
+	   are apparently sneezed onto his/her terminal.
+	3: something unpleasant.
+The OTHER proper time for an ad hominem attack is immediately after someone
+has posted something you don't understand.  Given the current state of modern
+electronic communications technology your inability to comprehend the meaning
+of an memo constitutes a violation of western moral tradition on the part of
+the author of that memo, and the author should be taken to task publicly via
+a series of really nasty, name-calling oriented memos.
+%
+FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #5
+
+	Don't wear your spurs while making love in a waterbed.
+%
+FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #8
+
+	Don't wear your high heels while making love on the pool table.
+%
+Four men had been playing golf together for twenty years.  After their usual
+Saturday game one week, one of the men joined the other three for a post-game
+shower for the first time.  His friends were surprised - "For twenty years",
+one of them says, "you haven't showered after our game, you've just waited for
+us in the clubhouse.  Why the sudden change?"
+	"Well", replies their friend, "I was born with a fairly unusual
+medical condition.  I had both a penis and a vagina.  Last month I finally
+decided to have the vagina removed."
+	The other three men look at him in disbelief and disgust.  "You
+mean," snaps one of them, "you could have played from the women's tee all
+these years?"
+%
+France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear
+the toilet paper.
+		-- Billy Wilder
+%
+From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the
+fact that the fellow was too insensitive and ego-ridden to realize it.  The
+moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and
+whispered,
+	"Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine
+inches?"
+There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said,
+	"You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times
+in a row!"
+%
+Fuck art; let's dance!
+%
+Fuck off and die!
+%
+Fuck you and anybody who looks like you.
+%
+Fuck'em if they can't take a joke!
+%
+Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it.
+It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it.
+	It makes you sick, it makes you well,
+	It turns your spine to fucking jell,
+It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it.
+%
+fuck-me-pumps, n:
+	Stiletto heels of a certain length, usually black patent leather.
+The proper designation is "throw-me-down-and-fuck-me" pumps.  Shoes with
+heels just high enough to let the frayed tip of a bullwhip trail around
+them properly.
+%
+fuckoff, n:
+	The tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant.
+%
+Gardeners do it in raised beds.
+%
+GARTER:
+	An elastic band intended to keep a woman
+	from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country.
+%
+Gary Hart's biggest mistake was not getting Teddy Kennedy to drive
+Donna Rice home.
+%
+GAY:
+	One who'd rather swish than fight.
+%
+GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
+	You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you because 
+you are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect too much for too 
+little.  This means you are cheap.  Geminis are known for committing incest.
+%
+Gentlemen prefer blondes, but who says blondes prefer gentlemen?
+		-- Mae West
+%
+Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.
+%
+George, after tying on a whopper the night before, woke up in the morning to
+find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him.  He
+leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the
+bureau.  He then started to tiptoe out of the room.  But, as he passed the
+foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg.  Glancing down, he saw 
+another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed.  She gazed up 
+at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"
+%
+George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he
+also admitted doing it.  Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
+Because George still had the axe in his hand.
+%
+GEORGIA:
+	Where kinky sex means getting laid.
+%
+"Get a load of that chick!"	"Dude -- you gotta ask her out."
+"Weellll, I dunno..."		"Look.  The worst she can say, is 'No'!"
+"Hey!  You're right!"		"I'm always right!"
+"The worst she can say... is 'No'!"
+
+"Idunnoifyou'vebeennoticingmebutI'vebeennoticingyouandIwaswonderingif
+you'd like to go out with me!"
+
+Oh my god you little Geek!
+Get away before I freak!		You ugly, stupid, zitfaced scum,
+I'm a babe and you are not.		You asked me out; you MUST be dumb.
+You can't handle what I've got!		Well you can beg until you're blue,
+I'm too hot, too hot for you..		But you're not even fit to lick my shoe.
+					I'm too hot, too hot for you.
+Ha ha ha!  Don't make me laugh!
+I want a whole man, not a half.		I've got a bitchin' bod and a killer
+You wet your pants, I'm so sure.		face,
+Too bad wimp-itis has no cure.		I'm god's gift to the male race.
+I'm too hot, too hot for you.		I'm the queen of babes supreme,
+					But you'll only see me in you dreams.
+"Well?  What'd she say??"		I'm too hot, too hot for you.
+"Well, she didn't say no..."
+ 		-- Barry and the Bookbinders, "The Worst She Can Say is No"
+%
+GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!
+%
+Get your bytes from our backend!
+		-- Britton Lee
+%
+Getting an education at the University of California
+is like having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
+%
+Getting Cheryl to shed her apparel
+Is like shooting goldfish in a barrel.
+	But her genital area
+	Is so vast it'll scareya,
+And you venture inside at your peril.
+%
+Gibble gabble gabble gibble gurgle lubble gibble babble beeble triggle
+	Lean closer.
+Libble gabble gabble ibble gurgle gubble tibble babble feeble riggle
+	Smile at her *knowingly*.
+Gibble gabble sabble gibble surgle gubble gibble babble beeble giggle
+	Nod sympathetically.  Show you're on *her* side.
+Bibble gabble gabble babble gurgle gubble gibble tribble beeble figgle
+	Touch her hand lightly.  Nobody understands but we two.
+Fibble gabble fobble gibble gurgle bubble gibble tabble beeble giggle
+	Look sincere.
+
+"Why don't we have the next drink up at MY place?"
+
+	God's gift to women strikes again.
+		-- J. Feiffer
+%
+Gimme that old bisexuality,
+Gimme that old bisexuality,
+Gimme that old bisexuality,
+'Cause it's good enough for me!
+
+It was good for David Bowie,
+It was good for David Bowie,
+It was good for David Bowie,
+And it's good enough for me!
+%
+Girls are better looking in snowstorms.
+		-- Archie Goodwin
+%
+Girls are like pianos.  When they're not upright, they're grand!
+%
+Girls marry for love.  Boys marry because of a chronic irritation
+that causes them to gravitate in the direction of objects with
+certain curvilinear properties.
+		-- Ashley Montagu
+%
+Girls really do know just what they want -- you to figure it out for
+yourself!
+%
+Girls who put out are tramps.  Girls who don't are ladies.  This is,
+however, a rather archaic use of the word.  Should one of you boys happen
+upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you
+have found a lady.  What you have probably found is a lesbian.
+		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
+%
+Girls who throw themselves at men,
+are actually taking very careful aim.
+%
+Girls would never stay out late if guys didn't make them.
+%
+Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
+		-- Mae West
+%
+Give me Librium or give me Meth.
+%
+Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
+%
+GLEE CLUB GROUPIE:
+	A girl into choral sex.
+%
+Go out with girls Dutch treat -- pay for dinner, drinks,
+and the movie, and the rest of the evening is on her.
+%
+God is a polytheist.
+%
+God is an atheist.
+%
+God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's.
+%
+God is not dead -- he's been busted.
+%
+God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -- it says so right here
+on the label.  If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these
+divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you.  No
+checks, please.  Cash and in small bills.
+		-- Lazarus Long
+%
+God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
+%
+God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
+%
+God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
+%
+God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
+%
+God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
+where to go.
+	"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
+	"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
+	"Well, how about Mercury?"
+	"No, it's too hot there."
+	"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
+	"No," sighed God, "They're such horrible gossips.  When I was
+there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
+still talking about it."
+%
+God wants us to know that if we see a bumper sticker saying "Honk if you love
+Jesus" it is a bad idea to honk to express an opinion about Jesus because it
+will annoy the turkey who put the bumper sticker on as well as everyone else
+in the vicinity.  However, it is just fine to honk to annoy the turkey simply
+for being a turkey, for God told Man to be fruitful and multiply, and to rule
+over the beasts of the field and the birds of the air, and that includes the
+turkeys who buy such bumper stickers.  Of course, God understands that innocent
+bystanders will also be annoyed, but He has wisely created traffic cops to
+impose some constraint on how much we may annoy the turkeys within city limits,
+for God's wisdom comprehends full well that thou shalt not make an omelette
+without breaking eggs.  God only wishes they were turkey eggs, so such moral
+dilemmas shall be fewer in number in the future, when the generations a-coming
+(hallelujah) won't have so many turkeys to deal with.  But God knows full well
+that such things take time, and the turkeys are showing more resilience than
+expected, and may be with us for a long time yet.
+%
+God's plan had a great beginning,
+But man spoiled his chances by sinning
+	We trust that the story
+	Will end in God's glory
+But at present the other side's winning.
+%
+God's plan made a hopeful beginning
+But man spoiled his chances by sinning.
+	We trust that the story
+	Will end in God's glory
+But at present, the other side's winning.
+%
+Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello
+is fatal to a virgin.
+		-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
+%
+Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields
+Sold in a market down in New Orleans
+Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright
+Hear him whip the women, just around midnight
+
+Ah, brown sugar how come you taste so good?
+Ah, brown sugar just like a young girl should
+
+Drums beating cold English blood runs hot
+Lady of the house wonderin' where it's gonna stop
+House boy knows that he's doing alright
+You should a heard him just around midnight.
+...
+I bet your mama was tent show queen
+And all her girlfriends were sweet sixteen
+I'm no school boy but I know what I like
+You should have heard me just around midnight.
+		-- Rolling Stones, "Brown Sugar"
+%
+Goldfish:  Two naked people tied and put on a mattress together to make love
+"fish fashion" (ie: no hands).  Originally a nineteenth-century bordel joke.
+It can be done (if you are the victims, try on your sides from behind).
+Venerable party game, but don't play it with strangers, or leave players
+unsupervised, even briefly.  There was a nice spoof on this sex stunt in
+the movie "Soldier Blue".  A good many women can get an orgasm from this
+simply by struggling, especially if you put them in front of a mirror.
+Don't both tie yourselves, even if you can manage it -- you might not be
+able to get loose.
+		-- The Joy of Sex
+%
+Good day for water sports.  Take a bath with a friend.
+%
+Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen!
+Here's a little number I tossed up in the Carribean recently...
+
+Isn't it awfully nice to have a Penis,
+isn't it frightfully good to have a Dong.
+
+It's swell to have a Stiffy,
+it's divine to have a Dick,
+from the tinyest little Tadger,
+to the world's greatest Prick.
+
+So, breeches for your Willy or John-Thomas,
+Hooray! for your One Eyed Trouser's Snake.
+
+Your Piece of Pork, your Wife's best friend,
+your Porky or your Cock,
+you can wrap it up in ribbons,
+you can stick it in your sock!
+
+But, don't take it out in public,
+or they will stick you in the dock,
+and you won't come back.
+                -- The Meaning of Life, Monty Python
+%
+good scout, n:
+	Someone who knows the lay of the land and will take you to her.
+%
+Gorbachev woke up early one morning, and felt great.  He walked over to his
+window, threw back the curtains, and saw the sun coming up.  He felt *so*
+good, he crowed, "Good Morning Sun!", and was startled when a great booming
+voice came back to him, "Good morning Comrade!  Good morning to you and
+the great Soviet Socialist Republic!".  Of course, this surprised him, but
+great politician that he is, he considers the political ramifications.
+Gorbachev then woke up Reza and his closest aides, brought them into his
+bedroom, and shouted out "Good morning, Comrade Sun!".  Again a booming reply,
+"Good morning, Comrade.  Good morning to you and the rest of the Party!"
+Everyone was quite excited about this, and Gorbachev sat down to his
+day's work with a feeling of being destiny's favorite child.
+	Later, in the evening, he was preparing for the ballet.  As he
+dressed, he noticed that the sun was setting.  Walking over to the window,
+Gorbachev threw up the sash and again addressed the sun, "Good evening to
+you, Comrade Sun!".  Once more the great voice boomed out, "Fuck you,
+asshole!  I'm in the West now!"
+%
+Grain grows best in shit.
+		-- U.K. LeGuin
+%
+Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
+%
+Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
+%
+great lover, n:
+	A man who can breathe through his ears.
+%
+GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21):  July 30, 1917
+
+On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then
+Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl.  He bought
+them off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought
+I wouldn't get out of that under $1000!"  Always one to learn from
+his mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs
+in a tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service
+men stood lookout.
+%
+Gross, adj.:
+	When your bloody mary still has the string in it.
+%
+Gross, adj.:
+	When your grandmother kisses you goodnight and
+	slips you some tongue.
+%
+Gynecologist, n:
+	Someone who spends their time spreading old wives' tails.
+%
+HACKER:
+	A master byter.
+%
+Hackers do it bottom-up.
+%
+Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
+%
+Hackers do it with bugs.
+%
+Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
+%
+Hackers have kernel knowledge.
+%
+Hackers know all the right MOVs.
+%
+Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half
+are about penis size.  And what I want to know is, if all you're doing
+is jerking off, why do you care how big it is?
+		-- From alt.sex
+%
+Halt!!  Who goes there, friend or enema?
+%
+Handsome woman. -- Lovely bust.
+Fine young fellow. -- Stirred-up lust. --
+	Babies' diapers. --
+	Bottom wipers. --
+Years of struggle. -- Coffin. -- Dust.
+%
+Handy hint:
+	A tea bag or two can be a dandy substitute
+	when you're out of tampons.
+%
+Hang gliders come down very slowly.
+%
+Hangover, n:
+	The burden of proof.
+%
+HAPPINESS:
+	Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative.
+%
+Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to
+mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding.  The principal difference
+between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep
+or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts.  The husbandryman uses
+his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past.
+Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit.
+		-- Tom Robbins
+%
+Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, upon overhearing the
+22- year-old beauty remark that he was too old and out of shape for her.  The
+determined septuagenarian immediately embarked upon a rigorous self-improvement
+program.  He had his face lifted, bought a toupee, ran five miles every day,
+lifted weights and adopted a strict vegetarian diet.  Within months, the
+rejuvenated man won the young woman's heart, and she agreed to marry him.
+	On the way out of the chapel, however, Harold was fatally struck
+by lightning.  Furious, he confronted Saint Peter at the pearly gates.  "How
+could you do this to me after all the pain I went through?"
+	"To be honest, Harold," Saint Peter sheepishly replied, "I didn't
+recognize you."
+%
+Harry came into work on Monday feeling absolutely fine, and so was astonished
+when his secretary urged him to lie down on the sofa; even more so when his
+boss took one look at him and ordered him to take the day, if not the week,
+off.  Even his poker buddies wouldn't have anything to do with him, insisting
+that he go straight to bed.  Finally, tired of resisting everyone's advice,
+he went to see his doctor, who took one look at him and rushed over with
+a stretcher.
+	"But doctor," he protested, "I feel fine."
+Well, this was a puzzler, conceded the doctor, who proceeded to refer to the
+enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself.
+	"Looks good, feels good...  No, you look like hell.  Looks good,
+feels terrible...  Nah, you feel fine, right?"
+Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said,
+	"Looks terrible, feels terrible...  Nope, that won't do it either."
+Finally, "Looks terrible, feels terrific... Aha!!  You're a vagina!"
+%
+Have you ever really thought about there being a simple solution to
+America's problems?  Why, we could solve all of our raw materials
+difficulties, foreign complications etc. over a long weekend.  If we
+got up early, early mind you, on Saturday, we could take over Mexico
+by 10:00.  Panama and most of South America would be a bit more difficult,
+but I believe we could do it by 6 or 7 that evening.  Turning our
+attention northward, Canada would require most of Sunday morning.
+General mopping up and execution of the civilian populations would take
+up Sunday afternoon.  I just don't understand why Washington hasn't
+thought of this...
+%
+Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman
+President?  "I can't deal with the Russians today.  Not now.  I've got
+my period."
+		-- Steven Moore
+%
+Have you ever tried to tickle yourself?  Everybody has some wacko aunt or
+uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with laughter.  But
+if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week and a half you won't
+laugh.  Somehow your underarm just knows that it's *your* fist.  Thank God
+other parts of our bodies are dumber.
+%
+Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm?  Besides drugs, I
+mean.  The answer is hot tubs.  A hot tub is a redwood container filled with
+water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom
+is necessarily your spouse.  After a few hours in their hot tubs, Californians
+don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers.  They don't give a
+damn about anything , which is why they are able to produce "Laverne and
+Shirley" week after week.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+Have you heard about Magda Lupescu,
+Who came to Rumania's rescue?
+	It's a wonderful thing
+	To be under a king--
+Is democracy better, I esk you?
+%
+Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum
+Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin?
+	Some people say,
+	Love finds a way,
+But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'.
+%
+Have you heard of the lady named Cox
+Who had a capacious old box?
+	When her lover was in place
+	She said, "Please turn your face.
+I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox."
+%
+Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham
+And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?
+	How they lift the frock
+	And tickle the cock
+Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em?
+%
+Have you seen how Sonny's burning,
+Like some bright erotic star,
+He lights up the proceedings,
+And raises the temperature.
+		-- The Birthday Party, "Sonny's Burning"
+%
+Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
+for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
+attempts... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
+as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
+Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
+finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
+		-- R.E. Masters
+%
+Having lost his potency years before, the octogenarian was desperate to
+satisfy his new 18-year-old wife.  He visited a gypsy woman with magical
+powers.
+	After the man downed a foul-tasting potion, the gypsy said, "There.
+Now the words beep-beep will give you an enormous erection.  Repeating
+the phrase will make it disappear.  But remember," she cautioned, "it will
+work only three times.  Make use of them wisely."
+	As the old man left, he decided to test her prediction.  "Beep-beep,"
+he said, and sure enough, he got the biggest erection of his life.
+"Beep-beep", he repeated.  It went away.
+	He sped through traffic on his way home.  "Beep-beep," honked a taxi.
+The old man gasped as he instantly got hard.
+	"Beep-beep," honked a truck.  His erection wilted.
+	Pulling into his driveway at last, the frantic man rushed inside
+and found his nubile wife lying on the bed reading a novel.
+	"Have I got a surprise for you," he said, tearing off his clothes.
+"Beep-beep!"
+	"Hold on a second," his wife said, eyeing his magnificent erection.
+"What's all this beep-beep shit?"
+%
+Having made a remark rather coarse,
+A young lady was seized with remorse;
+	She fled from the room,
+	And later, a groom
+Saw her rolling about in the gorse.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+He:	Am I... am I your first?
+She:	Well, honey, I could have sworn your face looked familiar...
+%
+He:	"Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
+She:	"No, thanks, I've already got one asshole in there now."
+%
+He:	So, what do you say to little fuck?
+She:	I say, "get lost, little fuck."
+%
+He boil my first cabbage, make it awfully hot,
+But when he put in the bacon, oooh, you know it overflow the pot.
+		-- Bessie Smith, "Empty Bed Blues"
+%
+He carried me over the stream, striding through the current, his strong,
+muscular, thighs scarcely hesitating as he sure-footedly forded the water.
+But what was that bulge, small, oblong, solid, that might have been, say,
+a pocket camera?
+		-- An Exciting Journey
+%
+He dove down overweighted with lead.
+Passed one hundred and flat lost his head.
+	He flapped and he flailed,
+	Spit his hose and he wailed,
+Swallowed water and found himself dead.
+%
+He drank with curvy Mable,
+The pace was fast and furious,
+He slid beneath the table,
+Not drunk but merely curious.
+%
+He grabbed me by my slender neck,
+I could not call or scream.
+He dragged me to his tiny room,
+Where we could not be seen.
+He tore away my filmy wrap,
+And gazed upon my form.
+I so cold and frightened,
+While he so strong and warm.
+He pressed me to his thirsty lips,
+I gave him every drop.
+He drained me of my very self,
+I could not make him stop!
+And that is why you see me here,
+An empty, broken bottle of beer...
+%
+He had heard that a certain whorehouse had a reputation for the bizarre.
+So he drove to the place and, once inside, asked the Madam if she had anything
+unusual for him to try.  "Things are pretty slow today," she said, "but I
+do have one number you might enjoy."  She went on to describe a New Jersey
+hen that had been trained to do blow jobs.
+	"We've got her here, but only for the day."
+	The visitor could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went
+into a room with a hen.  After a frustrating hour of trying to force his
+cock into the hen's mouth, he figured out that he was dealing with nothing
+but a plain old chicken.  He left.  Thinking about it later, he decided
+that he had had so much fun trying that he returned the few days later and
+asked the Madam, "Do you have anything new today?"
+	"Come this way," she said, and led him to a dark room where a group
+of men were looking through a one-way mirror.  He saw that they were watching
+a girl making it with a large doberman pinscher.
+	"Wow!" he said to the man standing next to him.  "This is really
+great!"
+	The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'!  You shoulda been here
+a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!"
+%
+He hated to mend, so young Ned
+Called in a cute neighbor instead.
+	Her husband said, "Vi,
+	When you stitched up his torn fly,
+Did you have to bite off the thread?"
+%
+He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy
+Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy.
+	Then his gargantuan pole in
+	Her pink, tight, and swollen
+Young cunt just about drove her crazy.
+%
+He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now.
+%
+He was not only a great swordsman, but also a cunning linguist.
+%
+He was so gay he'd never lean his ass on a baseball bat --
+scared it'd get serious.
+%
+He was so ugly hookers used to tell him, "Not on the first date."
+%
+He was the world's only armless sculptor.  He put the chisel in his mouth
+and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet.
+		-- Fred Allen
+%
+He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor --
+Hell, they HAD to make him President of the United States.
+It's the only job he's qualified for!
+		-- Michael Cain
+%
+He who farts in church must sit in his own pew.
+%
+He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot,
+pink damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
+%
+He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
+%
+He who trains his tongue to quote the learned 
+sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.
+		-- Howard Kandel
+%
+Hear about...
+	one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you
+	have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the 97-year-old prostitute who got herself listed in the Yellow
+	Pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in the book?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the absent minded nurse who made the patient without disturbing
+	the bed?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and
+	started chiseling on his wife?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the absent-minded exhibitionist who was arrested for exposing
+	his whatchamacalit?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the ambitious secretary who walked into her boss's office and
+	demanded a salary on next week's advance?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the Ayatollah Khomeini Doll?
+	Wind it up and it takes Ken and Barbie hostage.
+%
+Hear about...
+	the basketball player who was so tall that his girlfriend had to
+	go up on him?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the careless canary that did it for a lark?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the careless contortionist who accidentally swallowed his pride?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the cinema buff that's very excited by current trends in films?
+	The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
+	which end it will be.
+%
+Hear about...
+	the compulsive gambler who drove to Las Vegas, pulled up to
+	a parking meter, put a dime in -- and lost his car?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the couple on the stalled elevator who got off between floors?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the cross-eyed shoe fetishist who was always getting off on the
+	wrong foot?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the doctor that prescribed sex for insommia?  His patients didn't
+	get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake.
+%
+Hear about...
+	the drunken midget who walked into a home for girls and kissed
+	everybody in the joint?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the elderly gentleman who was stung on the privates by a bee and
+	asked the doctor to relieve the pain but leave the swelling?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and
+	next morning found she was six months pregnant?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the farmer who couldn't keep his
+	hands off his wife so he fired them?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his wife, so he
+	fired them?
+%
+Hear about...
+	The fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed
+	her between the limbs?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the fellow who got ten years for pumping Ethyl behind the station?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the fellow who maintains a special register of particularly
+	accommodating girls?  He refers to it as his little blew book.
+%
+Hear about...
+	the fellow who was descended from a long line his mother heard?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the fine, upstanding young woman who's wonderful laying down?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the freaky WAC who was court-martialed for contributing to the
+	delinquency of a major?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the French soldier who kissed his wife's cheeks before he went
+	to the front?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the freshman coed who decided not to sign up for a course in sex
+	education when she heard the final exam would be oral?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the frustrated musician who worked all week on an arrangement and
+	then his wife didn't leave town?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the fun-loving young lady who insists she won't even consider
+	marriage until she's gotten some experience under her belt?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the gay tattoo artist who had designs on several of the local
+	sailors?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the girl that wanted to impress her new boyfriend,
+	so she put on her low-cut dress to show him a thing or two?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the girl who called her boyfriend Amaretto, 'cause he was
+	such a sweet liquor?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the girl who was so undesirable that she even turned her vibrator
+	off?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the girl with the big wardrobe who started with just a little slip?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy?  Just kind of lost
+	his ball bearings.
+%
+Hear about...
+	the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy -- you might say he
+	lost his ball bearings?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the guy who had his vasectomy done by Sears?
+	Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.
+%
+Hear about...
+	the guy who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that
+	he'd never be able to face his girl again?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the guy who was an incurable romantic until penicillin came along?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the guy who was so well endowed that he had a fiveskin?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the handsome bachelor Senator who hired a ravishing blonde as his
+	assistant and then made her the object of a long Congressional probe?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the high school drum major who dated two of the majorettes and
+	so enjoyed the breasts of both whirlers?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the hurricane that recently struck Fire Island -- Hurricane Bruce?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the inexperienced stenographer who discovered that she could lose
+	a lot more than letters behind the files?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the insurance salesman who says his greatest successes are
+	with young housewives who aren't adequately covered?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the little boy that found a fifty cent
+	piece, so he went home for some money?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the little boy that found a fifty cent piece, so he went home
+	for some money?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the loner who gave up his solitary vice for Lent?  Except on
+	Palm Sunday, of course.
+%
+Hear about...
+	the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New
+	York to California and discovered that he still had the same milkman?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the man who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that
+	he'd never be able to face his girl again?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the mother of 12 who was called upon to use her diaphragm so often
+	that she kept it tacked to the headboard of her bed?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the new breakfast cereal called Queerios?  You simply add milk
+	and they eat each other.
+%
+Hear about...
+	the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers".  They don't go snap,
+	crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang, bang, bang?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in
+	Los Angeles single bars?  It's called Bang Americard.
+%
+Hear about...
+	the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in
+	single bars -- BANG AMERICARD?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the new rule at the girls' school?
+	Lights out by ten, candles by eleven.
+%
+Hear about...
+	the new vitamin made from chicken blood,
+	it makes men cocky and women lay better?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the nurse they thought had drowned
+	until they found her under the doc?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the nymphomaniac teenager popularly known as Little Often Annie?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the perverted australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the poor Greek fisherman who got his upper torso wedged into
+	a porthole and couldn't get out to save his ass?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the real smart girl who could play post-office all night
+	without getting any mail in her box?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the recent cigarette survey that disclosed that 99% of the
+	men who have tried Camels have gone back to women?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the San Franciscan who backed off the bus because he thought
+	someone would grab his seat?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the secretary that got fired because she had one too mini?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the sultan who had ten wives, nine of them had it soft.
+%
+Hear about...
+	the swinger who labelled his little black book "Future Shack"?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the tight end who got two years for possession and came out a
+	wide receiver?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the truck driver who pulled out to avoid a child and fell
+	off the sofa?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the ultimate in singles bars.  It's a place where girls have
+	to show their I.U.D.'s to be admitted?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the woman who claimed that two martinis usually made her
+	feel like a new man?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the woman who says two martinis usually make her feel like a
+	new man?
+%
+Hear about...
+	the young lady attacked in San Francisco?
+	By two men, one held her down while the other one did her hair.
+%
+Hear about...
+	the young thing who is fondly known to the men in the office as
+	Secretariat -- not just because she's a good secretary but because
+	she's a wonderful mount?
+%
+Hear about the...
+	guy who wore a tux to his vasectomy, because he figured that
+	if he was going to be impotent he might as well look impotent.
+%
+Hear that...
+	bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
+	Census Taker".  It's about a guy who comes once every ten years?
+%
+Hear that...
+	the Masters and Johnson clinic may well be the only organization
+	in the world from which a man resigns when he becomes a member
+	in good standing?
+%
+Hear that...
+	the only thing worse than coming home with lipstick on your
+	collar is being caught with leg make-up on your ears?
+%
+Hear that...
+	the Pope's next pronouncement on birth control is to be titled
+	"Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians"?
+%
+Hear that...
+	there's an establishment near the White House that caters to kinky
+	tastes?  There's a House whip in attendance, of course?
+%
+Hear that...
+	those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male
+	version -- with nuts of course?
+%
+Heard tell that the Iron Magnolia wanted to divorce ol' Jimmy.
+Seems he's screwing everyone but her.
+%
+He'd kiss and the girls called him Georgie
+They'd cry and the girls called him Porgie.
+	So he put Spanish fly
+	In their pudding and pie
+And had the first tiny-tot orgy.
+%
+Heisenberg may have done it.
+%
+"Hell, no," said the Duchess of Quick,
+"I won't suck his filthy old prick!
+	It's not that I funk
+	At a mouthful of spunk,
+But the smell of his ass makes me sick!"
+%
+"Hello?  Enema Bondage?  I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess..."
+		-- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+Hello, children!!
+	This is Uncle Dennis welcoming you to your very own fortune.
+	Today we are going to hear a story, so sit right here on my lap
+	and we can all start.  Comfortable?  Ah, yes, ah... Ah? Ah!!
+
+	One day, Rikki, the magic Pixie, went to visit Daisy Bumble in her
+	tumbledown cottage.  He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he
+	grabbed her heaving ******* pulling her down on the bed and
+	hurriedly ripping off her thin *******.
+
+	Old Nick, the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow.
+	He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the
+	pier where the men dressed as ladies ****** **** ******* *******
+	of ***** ****** **** the ****** with a melon.
+
+	Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the Magic
+	oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum tree in the shade of the enchanted
+	glen down in Dingly Dell.  Here he sold contraceptives, ********
+	and various appliances *** ******** *** ***** naked fun and *****
+	the ******** ******* *** into six or seven pairs.
+%
+Help!  I'm a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body!
+                -- Bisexuality, 101
+%
+Help Stamp Out Rape!  (Say Yes.)
+%
+HENPECKED HUSBAND:
+	One who's afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he's sterile.
+%
+Her brother, a bastard named Ben,
+Could rotate his pecker, and then
+	He would shoot through his rear
+	Which made him dear
+Of the girls, and the envy of men.
+%
+Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin,
+Had morals the city might soften.
+	So she phoned and asked, "Lynn,
+	Are you living in sin?"
+Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often."
+%
+Her kisses left something to be desired: the rest of her.
+%
+Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin',
+Just gave birth to another Texan.
+%
+Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with the issue
+of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul Stevens came up with
+the famous quotation about how he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it
+when he saw it.  So for a while, the court's policy was to have all the
+suspected pornography trucked to Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it
+over.  "Nope, this isn't it," he'd say.  "Bring some more."  This went on until
+one morning when his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under
+an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a ruling
+stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except that it was
+illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the
+court was going to take a nap. 
+		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+Here's a toast to Screwy Dick,
+The man who was born with a corkscrew prick.
+He spent his life in a futile hunt,
+To find a woman with a spiral cunt.
+And when he did, he dropped stone dead,
+'Cause the blasted thing had a left-hand thread!
+%
+Here's to the girl in little red shoes,
+She drinks my liquor, she drinks my booze,
+She has no cherry, but that's no sin,
+She has the box the cherry came in.
+%
+Here's to the girl that's dressed in black,
+She's dressed so neat there's nothing to lack
+She feels so fine and kisses so sweet
+She makes things stand that have no feet.
+%
+Here's to the girl that's sweet,
+Here's to the girl that's true,
+Here's to the girl in all our hearts...
+
+In other words, guys, what do you say we all go downtown for
+the rest of the night?
+%
+Here's to the woman beautiful and devine
+she flowers every month bears fruit every nine
+she's the only creature 'tween heaven and hell
+can get the juice from a nut without cracking the shell.
+%
+Here's to women.  Would that we could fall into her arms without falling
+into her hands.
+		-- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+HERMIT:
+	A man who'd rather get off by himself.
+%
+HERPES:
+	The final proof that 'tis better to give than to receive.
+	Much better.
+%
+He's a son-of-a-bitch, but he's our son-of-a-bitch.
+		-- FDR on Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Somoza
+%
+He's gallantry personified, in fact, his brochures ought to
+read satisfaction guaranteed, or your virginity returned intact.
+%
+He's learned about 50% of the rules of sex and conversation;
+he knows how to stick it in, but not how to stick it out.
+%
+Hey baby!
+	How 'bout a brutal face fuck?
+%
+HEY KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:
+	A great way to prevent the tragedy of unwanted pregnancy is to
+become a homosexual.  Every year, millions of young men and women, just
+like you, are making the clean change to worry-free homosexuality.
+They're having more sex than ever, and more fun than ever.  Send 50 cents
+today for my leaflet "Gay sexual techniques".  Be sure to specify the
+male or female edition.
+%
+HEY, KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:
+	Masturbation isn't as simple as it looks.  Do it right!
+Send 50 cents for my illustrated booklet "Masturbation techniques
+for the teenager".  Be sure to specify the male or female edition.
+%
+HEY KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:
+	Remember, oral sex CAN cause pregnancy, unless you use an
+oral contraceptive.  See your family planning clinic today!
+%
+Hickory Dickory Dock,
+Three mice ran up a clock!
+The clock struck one,
+Right in the balls!
+
+There was an old woman,
+Who lived in a shoe,
+Who had so many children,
+Her uterus fell right out.
+%
+Higgledy Piggledy		Coeducational
+Yale University			Extracurricular
+Gave up misogyny		Heterosexual
+Opened its door.		Fun is in store.
+%
+Hire the handicapped -- they're fun to watch!
+%
+His shy bride admitted to Crandall
+That for years she'd worked off with a candle,
+	But a cock like his dick
+	Gave her ten times the kick,
+Though it stained her wee peehole to handle!
+%
+Home is where the hurt is.
+		-- Strange de Jim
+%
+Honest, officer, had I known my health was
+in jeopardy, why, I'd never have lit one!
+%
+HONOR:
+	Almost as good as in 'er.
+%
+horny, adj:
+	When your cock gets hard if the wind blows.
+%
+Horsecrap, little brother.  There's always something more to be done.
+Another palm to be greased.  Another back to be scratched.  Another
+weak sister to be shored up.
+		-- J.R. Ewing
+%
+HOT TUB TIPS FOR WOMEN
+	Vol. I -- Etiquette
+
+1. It's not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, and then
+	scream at the top of your lungs, "Oh, yes, YES, BABY!"
+2. Washing your partner's back is sexy.  Washing your panty hose is not.
+3. Nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience; don't spoil
+	it for everyone with a thoughtless remark, such as "My God, I've
+	seen bigger wangs on hamsters!"
+4. It's O.K. to pass a joint while tubbing.  Don't pass anything else.
+5. Don't think you're fooling anybody by passing off your vibrator as a
+	toy submarine.
+%
+How can you say that the world isn't
+Jewish, when the sun's real name is Sol?
+%
+How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection?
+%
+How do you like the new America?  We've cut the fat out of the
+government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
+gone some time ago).  All we seem to have left now is muscle.
+We'll be lucky to escape with our skins!
+%
+How should they answer?
+		-- Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) in reply to the question
+		"Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?"
+%
+How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers?
+Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room.
+%
+HOW TO REMOVE STAINS -- #28
+	Semen stains can be removed from computer terminals with
+	Fantastik or the like.  Use Windex on the glass however, and
+	be sure to turn the power off if you have to clean between
+	the keys.
+%
+Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
+		-- John Valby
+%
+Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
+%
+Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the
+bush, shoot more often and *always* eat what they shoot.
+%
+Hypocrisy is the vaseline of social intercourse.
+%
+hypocrite, n:
+	A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy.
+%
+I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this
+country what it once was... an arctic wilderness.
+		-- Steve Martin
+%
+I bet you think you're pretty cool driving around without auto insurance.
+You're probably saying to yourself, "I'm beating the system."  But what's
+going to happen when you get pulled over and lose your license because
+you're not insured.  What girl's going to ride shotgun on a ten-speed on
+a Saturday Night?  Yeah, you're going to be beating more than the system...
+		-- auto insurance ad, heard on KNAC, Long Beach.
+%
+I call Christianity the one great curse, the one enormous and innermost
+perversion, the one great instinct of revenge, for which no means are
+too venomous, too underhand, too underground and too petty -- I call it
+the one immortal blemish of mankind.
+		-- Fredrich Nietzsche
+%
+I call it the "Madman Theory".  I want the North Vietnamese to believe that
+I've reached the point where I might do *anything* to stop the war.  We'll
+just slip the word to them that "For God's sake, you know, Nixon is obsessed
+about Communism.  We can't restrain him when he's angry -- and he has his
+hand on the nuclear button."
+		-- Richard Nixon
+%
+I came; I saw; I fucked up.
+%
+I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan prostitute
+dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very bored with washing
+and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after relentless day.
+		-- Betty MacDonald
+%
+I can understand companionship.  I can understand bought sex in the
+afternoon.  I cannot understand the love affair.
+		-- Gore Vidal
+%
+I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about you pisses me off.
+		-- Peter Knight
+%
+I choked Linda Lovelace.
+%
+I continued wetting my bed for a long time, not just out of contrariness,
+but to have the pleasure of feeling my warm urine running down my legs
+and wallowing in its odor.
+		-- Salvador Dali
+%
+I did not look behind me, 'till I got to St. Omer's & thence fled to America;
+here I offer'd to become a Spy for the English Government which was scornfully
+rejected; I then turned to Plunder & Libel the Yankees, for which I was fined
+5000 Dollars & kicked out of the Country!  I came back to England (after
+absconding for Seven years) & set up the Crown & Mitre to establish my Loyalty!
+-- accepted from the Doctor L400 to print & disperse a pamphlet against "the
+Hellfire of Reform" ... but applied the Money to purchase an estate at Botley,
+& left ye Doctor to pay the Paper & Printing!  Being now Lord of the Manor, I
+began by sowing the seeds of discontent through Hampshire; I oppressed the
+Poor, sent the Aged to Hell, & damned the eyes of my Parish Apprentices before
+they were open'd in the morning! ... and being now supported by a Band of
+Reformers, I renewed my old favorite Toast of Damnation to the House of
+Brunswick! & being exalted by the sale of 10,000 Political Registers every
+week, I find myself the greatest Man in the World! except that Idol of all my
+Adorations, his Royal and Imperial Majesty, NAPOLEONE!
+		-- William Cobbett, British journalist
+%
+I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing
+Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?"
+	I replied, "Simple shagging
+	Without any wagging
+Is only for screwing canoeing."
+%
+"I do love a lay every day,
+So whenever you're coming this way
+	Just phone in advance
+	And I'll jerk off my pants,
+And we're set for a sexy soiree!"
+%
+I don't care who you are, Fatso.  Get those reindeer off my roof.
+%
+I don't discriminate on the basis of sex.
+                -- Bisexuality, 101
+
+        [An equal opportunity lover?  Ed.]
+%
+I don't drink water; fish fuck in it.
+		-- W.C. Fields
+%
+I don't give a shit what happens.  I want you all to stonewall it.  Let
+them plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up, or anything else if it'll save
+the plan.
+		-- Richard Nixon
+%
+I don't know why women get so upset, they have half the
+money and all the pussy.
+		-- Gary Bussy, "DC Cab"
+%
+I don't love you, asshole, I love your daughter.
+		-- The Undergraduate
+%
+I Don't Mind If You Lie to Me, As Long As I Ain't Lyin' Alone
+I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win
+If You Leave Me, Walk Out Backwards So I'll Think You're Comin' In
+Since You Learned to Lip-Sync, I'm At Your Disposal
+My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was
+	Breaking My Heart
+Don't Cry, Little Darlin', You're Waterin' My Beer
+Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You
+When You Say You Love Me, You're Full of Prunes, 'Cause Living
+	With You Is the Pits
+I Wanted Your Hand in Marriage but All I Got Was the Finger
+		-- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
+%
+"I don't really mind her being unfaithful," sighed the man to his
+marriage counselor, "but I just can't sleep three in a bed."
+%
+I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is
+one of nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy.
+%
+I don't understand what all the fuss was about in Los Angeles.
+It's not like we looted Brooks Brothers when Oliver North got off.
+		-- P.J. O'Rourke
+%
+I don't want to say that she had big tits, but one day I asked her
+	just how big they was, and she said, "7 and 7/8".
+I said, "7 and 7/8?!  What did you measure 'em with?"
+And she replied, "A Stetson."
+%
+"I finally found out what my ranch foreman husband really meant,"
+sobbed the recent bride, "when he told me he'd love me 'til the
+cows came home."
+%
+I grew up in an Italian family, you know, the strange thing about
+Italians -- they're so Jewish.
+		-- Kay Ballard
+%
+I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...
+boy, were they mad!
+		-- Stephen Wright
+%
+I had a virgin once.  I had to go to Florida for her.  She was twelve
+years old, blind in one eye, and carried a stuffed alligator labeled
+"Made in Taiwan".
+		-- The Stunt Man
+%
+I have a funny daddy
+Who goes in and out with me
+And everything that baby does
+Daddy's sure to see,
+And everything that baby says,
+My daddy's sure to tell.
+You must have read my daddy's verse.
+I hope he fries in Hell.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+"I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls,"
+the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for
+the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that
+it was enough to make a blown man cry."
+%
+I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.
+		-- Will Rogers
+%
+I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon.  Come, let us
+take our fill of love until the morning.
+		-- Proverbs 7:17-18
+%
+I heard there was a lot of sex on television these days,
+but when I tried it I kept falling off.
+%
+I knew Leo G. Carrol
+Was over a barrel
+When Tarantula took to the hills.	["Lick it!"]
+And I really got hot
+When I saw Jeanette Scott
+Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills.
+
+Science fiction, double feature
+Doctor X will build a creature.
+See androids fighting Brad and Janet
+Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet
+Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
+At the late night, double feature, picture show.
+		-- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
+%
+I know a Polack his name is Cliff,
+Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
+He sticks it in the freezer to get it stiff,
+Hey-la-de-la-de-lo.
+
+I know a girl, her name is Serafina,
+Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
+She'll get down on all fours for a bowl of Purina,
+Hey-la-de-la-de-lo.
+
+I know a girl, her name is Cuffy,
+Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
+She douches with Tide and makes her pubes fluffy,
+Hey la-de-la-de-lo.
+		-- Doctor Dirty
+%
+I know of a fortunate Hindu
+Who is sought in the towns that he's been to
+	By the ladies he knows,
+	Who are thrilled to the toes
+By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do.
+%
+I know what you're up to, you white-feathered fiend!
+Go release your bowels on some lesser personage!
+		-- W.C. Fields, upon seeing a bird overhead
+%
+I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire -- God wouldn't trust
+an Englishman in the dark.
+		-- Duncan Spaeth
+%
+I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
+%
+I married an Italian girl; the way you marry an Italian girl in my family
+is to bring a New Yorker home first.
+%
+I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position.
+%
+I met a young man in Chungking
+Who had a very long thing --
+	But you'll guess my surprise
+	When I found that its size
+Just measured a third-finger ring!
+%
+I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come
+into my neighborhood after dark.
+		-- Dick Gregory
+%
+I never did give anybody hell.  I just told the truth and they thought
+it was hell.
+		-- Harry S. Truman
+%
+I never had Miss Defauw,
+But it wouldn't have been quite so raw
+	If she'd only said "No"
+	When I wanted her so;
+But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!"
+%
+I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty.
+%
+I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
+		-- Lyndon Baines Johnson
+%
+I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
+		-- Lyndon Johnson
+%
+I once had the wife of a Dean
+Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'.
+	She remarked with some gaiety,
+	"Not bad for the laiety,
+Though the Bishop once managed thirteen."
+%
+I once met a lassie named Ruth
+In a long distance telephone booth.
+	Now I know the perfection
+	Of an ideal connection
+Even if somewhat uncouth.
+%
+I once was annoyed by a queer
+Who made his intentions quite clear.
+	Said I, "I'm no prude,
+	So don't think me rude,
+But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed."
+%
+I only date queers.
+                -- Bisexuality, 101
+
+        [I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is!  Ed.]
+%
+I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms.  What a giftless
+bastard!  It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed
+as a genius.  Why, in comparison with him, Riff is a genius.
+		-- Tchaikovsky, October 9, 1886, diary entry
+%
+I regret to say that we are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital
+intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.
+		-- J. Edgar Hoover
+%
+I shot a query into the net.
+I haven't got an answer yet,		A posted message called me rotten
+But seven people gave me hell		For ignoring mail I'd never gotten;
+And said I ought to learn to spell;	An angry message asked me, Please
+					Don't send such drivel overseas;
+A lawyer sent me private mail
+And swore he'd slap my ass in jail --	One netter thought it was a hoax:
+I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem		"Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!";
+And failed to add the T and M;		Another called my grammar vile
+					And criticized my writing style.
+Each day I scan each Subject line
+In hopes the topic will be mine;
+I shot a query into the net.
+I haven't got an answer yet...
+		-- Ed Nather
+%
+I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around
+with his secretary.  If it's somebody else's secretary, fine.
+		-- Barry Goldwater
+
+I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
+		-- Barry Goldwater
+%
+I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
+		-- Barry Goldwater
+%
+I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass.
+		-- Senator Barry Goldwater, commenting on Jerry Falwell's
+		   suggestion that all good Christians should be against
+		   Sandra Day O'Connor's nomination to the Supreme Court
+%
+I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse
+than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa.
+		-- Frank Zappa
+%
+I think the Mormon prophet
+Was a very funny man.
+I wonder how his wives enjoyed
+His Prophet Sharing Plan.
+%
+I thought Jackie O. was something you did in the bathroom.
+		-- Strange de Jim
+%
+I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about faeces.  What a lot we
+had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized
+dung of long-vanished animals.  A miraculous thing, really; a recovery
+from the past from what was carelessly rejected.  And in the Middle
+Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were
+with the faeces of animals.  And what a variety of names they had for
+them:  the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of
+an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets
+of a Deer.  Surely there might be some words for the material so near
+to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit?
+What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a
+Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian,
+the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties
+of an Untenured Professor?
+		-- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
+%
+I want a girl that can swallow my pride.
+		-- Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess"
+%
+I want the same things all men do, Rice Krispies and some sucking.
+		-- Dudley Moore
+%
+I was 15 years old before I found out that "damn yankee" was two words.
+%
+I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama.  
+I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts.
+		-- Firesign Theatre
+%
+I was having sex just the other night, but she hung up.
+%
+I was on vacation in Greece last summer, and was being driven round an island
+by a Greek cab-driver.  He was a friendly man, and as we drove, he told me
+about various historic and scenic places he had been involved with.
+	"See the entrance to that church over there?  I built that with my
+two sons.  But do they call me `Dimitri the church builder'?  Do they hell!"
+	As we passed a dam, he said, "See that dam?  Four of us built that
+dam by ourselves!  But do they call me `Dimitri the dam builder?'  Hell, no!"
+	As we passed a beautiful cottage, Dimitri started up again -- "See
+that house?  I built that for my wife with my own two hands!  But do they
+call me `Dimitri the home builder'?  No!  But just one little sheep!"
+%
+"I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown bear
+grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun.  He picked it up
+and stuck it in my back."
+	"What did you do?"
+	"What *could* I do?  I married his daughter."
+%
+I went to a wild party last night.  I tell ya, it was so wild, we played
+a new version of Russian roulette.  We passed around six girls and one
+of them had V.D.
+		-- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+I wish I was a fascinating lady
+With a past that was cheap and a future that was shady
+I'd sleep all day and I'd work all night
+I'd live in a house with a little red light
+And once a month I'd take a small vacation
+And leave all the men to their imagination
+And once in a while I'd go all wild
+And have myself an illegitimate child
+I wish I were a fascinating lady
+Instead I'm the minister's child
+%
+I wish that my room had a floor;
+I don't so much care for a door,
+	But this walking around
+	Without touching the ground
+Is getting to be quite a bore!
+		-- Gelett Burgess
+%
+I wish that my room had a floor;
+I don't so much care for a door,
+	But this walking around
+	Without touching the ground
+Is getting to be quite a bore! 
+		-- Gelett Burgess
+%
+I wonder what my wife will want tonight;
+Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?
+	I wonder can she tell
+	That I've been raising hell;
+Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight?
+
+My wife is just as nice as can be,
+I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me.
+	For an afternoon of joy,
+	Is hell on the old boy,
+I wonder what the wife will want tonight!
+%
+I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
+I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
+	She said it was crude
+	To be wooed in the nude--
+I persued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
+%
+I would like to say, Mister Bunce,
+I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts.
+	And in all my lewd life
+	I've met none like your wife,
+So why leave her to me, you big dunce?
+%
+I wouldn't fuck her with your prick.
+%
+I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of
+having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
+		-- R. Geis
+%
+I'd like to give the world a hug
+And tell it jokes and stuff
+And pull its pants down to its knees
+And chase it through the rough
+
+Then tie it up with bonds and straps
+And search its purse for change
+Then leave it out at Moose Grin Hall
+With our cousin who's deranged ...
+		-- National Lampoon, to an old Coke commercial
+%
+I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
+%
+"I'd like to start a new religion.  One that doesn't use a dead young
+man as its logo."
+		-- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
+%
+I'd rather have fingers than toes,
+I'd rather have ears than a nose,
+	And a happy erection
+	Brought just to perfection
+Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
+%
+I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump.
+%
+If being bi increases your chance of getting a date,
+does being poly increase your chance of getting dumped?
+%
+If continence causes neurosis
+And intercourse causes thrombosis
+	I'd rather expire
+	Fulfilling desire
+Than live in a state of psychosis.
+%
+If girls are all sugar and spice, why do they taste like anchovies?
+%
+If God doesn't destroy San Francisco,
+He should apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah.
+%
+If God had meant for Texans to ski he would have made bullshit white.
+%
+If God had meant for us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs.
+		-- Malcolm Bradbury
+%
+If God had wanted people to give blow
+jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth.
+%
+If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy,
+would He have made it look like a taco?
+%
+If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
+%
+If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.
+		-- George Carlin
+%
+If I had a penis I'd wear it outside,
+In cafes and car lots, with pomp and with pride.
+If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper
+I'd stay in the tub and use me as the stopper.
+If I had a penis I'd take it to parties
+Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties.
+I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay.
+I'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day.
+
+I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stick shifts.
+I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts.
+I'd peek around corners; I'd aim at my toilet;
+I'd poke it at foreigners and soap it and oil it.
+If I had a penis I'd run to my mother;
+Comb out the hair and compare it to brother.
+I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would indulge...
+Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge.
+[Chorus]
+	A penis to plunder, a penis to push
+	'Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush.
+	A penis to love me, a penis to share,
+	To pick up and play with when nobody's there.
+		-- Uncle Bonsai, "Penis Envy"
+%
+If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don't buy it.
+		-- Tommy Earl Bruner
+%
+If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
+		-- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+If it's not one thing, it's a mother.
+%
+If Jesus Christ came to this town, people would say, great guy; terrible
+carpenter.
+		-- Gene Kirkwood, on Hollywood
+%
+If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot
+to send it.  But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think
+the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail.  And if *fifty*
+pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get
+lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken!  And if 1Gb of mail gets
+lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa [ucbarpa.berkeley.edu] is down and
+think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive
+Net Mail ...
+ 		-- Casey Leedom
+%
+If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon.
+%
+If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
+%
+If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads.
+%
+If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to
+masturbate.
+		-- Diogenes the Cynic
+%
+If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country.
+		-- Mel Brooks
+%
+If sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong.
+%
+If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
+suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra.  But it is
+only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them
+in 1966, only two went back to women.
+		-- Mort Sahl
+%
+If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em.
+If they can, then fuck 'em.
+%
+If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out.
+If thy dick offends thee, whack it off.
+%
+If women ran the military complex, would the missiles be shaped differently?
+%
+If you could get an erection, you would have no need for Emacs.
+%
+If you don't ride a camel to work, you ain't Sheeite.
+%
+If you find for your verse there's no call,
+And you can't afford paper at all,
+	For the true poet born,
+	However forlorn,
+There is always the lavat'ry wall.
+%
+If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.
+		-- Lenny Bruce
+%
+If you were attacked by a homosexual, would you beat him off?
+%
+If your thesis is utterly vacuous,
+Employ first-order predicate calculus.
+	With sufficient formality,
+	The sheerest banality,
+Will be hailed by all as miraculous!
+%
+If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic
+abstinence and complete continence; (you know, rhythm and blues).
+%
+If you're going to break up with your old lady and you live in a small
+town, make sure you don't break up at three in the morning.  Because you're
+screwed -- there's nothing to do ... So make it about nine in the morning,
+... bullshit around, worry her a little, then come back at seven in the
+night.
+		-- Lenny Bruce
+%
+If you're gonna sleep with someone whose moral code may be written
+in Fortran for all you know, at least make sure there's an existing
+friendship of some sort to fall back on if things don't work out
+like one or the other of you planned.
+%
+If you're really into astrology, tell me, what happens
+when Mercury is in the Fish, and Jupiter enters the Virgin?
+%
+If you're speaking of actions immoral
+The how about giving the laurel
+	To doughty Queen Esther,
+	No three men could best her --
+One fore, and one aft, and one oral.
+%
+Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse
+D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse;
+	Il la mene chaque soir
+	A son caveau noir
+Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon,
+Qui n'avait que peu de religion.
+	Il dit:"quant a' moi,
+	Je deteste tous les trois,
+Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-"
+%
+Il y avait un plombier, Francois,
+Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.
+	Dit-elle, "Arretez!
+	J'entends quelqu'un venait."
+Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi."
+%
+Il y avait une madame de Lahore
+Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure,
+	Mais la vagine tres forte,
+	Toujours ouverte la porte,
+Encore, et encore, et encore.
+%
+"I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor business ain't
+doin' too well.  I ain't sold one all month.
+	"You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied.  "The other day, I went
+out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she
+always does.  So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters.  When I sat
+down again, she kicked me like she always does.  So I tied her leg to the
+side of the stall.  When I started to sit down again, I could see her taking
+aim with her other leg, so I tied it to the other side of the stall.  And I'll
+tell you what," he continued with a sigh, "if you can convince my wife I was
+gonna *milk* that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"
+%
+I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
+		-- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+I'm a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body!
+		-- The Queer Gospels of Madonna the Sloppily Conceived
+%
+I'm a lover not a dancer!
+I'm a lover not a dancer!
+Don't want to be on my feet,
+When I can be on my back,
+Don't want to be on the floor,
+When I can be in the sack!
+I'm a lover not a dancer!
+I'm a lover not a dancer!
+I'm just a little bit tired
+If you know what I mean,
+Don't want to be in a crowd
+When I can be in a dream!
+I'm a lover not a dancer!
+Baby!
+And, baby, let me prove it to you,
+Baby, let me prove it to you!
+		-- Jim Steinman, "Dance in my Pants"
+%
+I'm against group sex because I wouldn't know where to put my elbows.
+		-- Martin Cruz Smith
+%
+I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade.
+		-- Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees
+		   in the shade.
+
+Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is
+dropped.
+		-- Franklyn Ajaye
+%
+I'm going to Iowa for an award.  Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
+it's sold out.  Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
+government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+I'm Jewish.  Count Basie's Jewish.  Ray Charles is Jewish.  Eddie Cantor's
+goyish.  The B'nai Brith is goyish.  The Hadassah is Jewish.  Marine Corps
+-- heavy goyish, dangerous.  Kool-Aid is goyish.  All Drake's Cakes are
+goyish.  Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
+Instant potatoes -- goyish.  Black cherry soda's very Jewish. Macaroons are
+very Jewish.  Fruit salad is Jewish.  Lime Jell-O is goyish.  Lime soda is
+very goyish.  Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won't go near them.
+		-- Lenny Bruce
+%
+I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways.
+		-- J.F. Kennedy
+%
+I'm not a pheasant plucker,
+I'm a pheasant plucker's son.
+I'm just a'plucking pheasants
+'Til the pheasant plucker comes.
+		-- The Irish Rovers
+%
+"I'm not against women.  Not often enough, anyway."
+		-- NPR
+%
+I'm not laughing behind your back; everything funny is in front!
+		-- Rodney Dangerfield's wife
+%
+I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here
+		-- Song title by Stephen Bishop.
+
+She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft
+		-- Song title by Jerry Reed.
+
+When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room Will I Be Too Old to Care?
+		-- Song title by Lewis Grizzard.
+
+I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling
+		-- Unattributed song title.
+
+Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life
+		-- Unattributed song title.
+%
+I'm sorry I'm late folks, I just got out of jail.  I tried to change my
+girlfriend's name.  Yeah, I went down to the hall of records.  I said, "I'd
+like to change it... I'd like to change it to... LYING LITTLE BITCH!"
+		-- Sam Kinison
+%
+I'm unbuttoning your shirt, unzipping your jeans....
+
+Oh, I can feel your fingers on the keys, baby,
+	I'm getting WARM....
+
+I am getting there, oh yes,.  Oh, my. OH YES... OHHHH!
+	...!!!rrrrrgh!!!!!
+
+Honey, that was *really* terrific, but, next time,
+couldn't you please input a little SLOWER?
+%
+Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable.
+Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.
+David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel,
+And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
+There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raising of the wrist.
+Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed!
+
+John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
+On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
+Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day.
+Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
+Hobbes was fond of his dram,
+And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am".
+Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
+A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!
+		-- Monty Python, "The Philosopher's Drinking Song"
+%
+impotent loser, n:
+	Someone who can't even get his hopes up.
+%
+In 1953, Stalin dies.  The politburo holds a special meeting to decide
+what to do about the body.  Nobody will let it be buried near their home.
+Finally they decide:
+	"Aha!  Call Israel!  Offer them ten million rubels; they'll let us
+bury Stalin in Israel! Off goes the message and the politburo waits...
+Finally a telegram comes back:
+	"NO CHANCE STOP ONE RESURRECTION HERE ALREADY"
+%
+In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the gay
+chaps responding said that either genetics or home environment was the
+principal factor.  The remaining 18 percent revealed that they had been
+sucked into it.
+%
+In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh
+Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too.
+	His wife said, "Oh, stuff
+	That philosophy guff
+Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!"
+%
+In cosmetics, there's cases of revolutionary Venus Envy Hair Spray;
+Legette Hair Fastener Heat Bags; Lady O' Spain Self-Blinding Eye Shadow
+with Magic Puncture Pencil; Sanitary Napkin Rings in Little Miss, Moon
+Maid and Stuck Pig Strength; and deported Italian Napagel Balls for
+soaking or eating; and they're all slash-priced with the lady in mind...
+		-- Firesign Theatre
+%
+In days of old, when knights were bold,
+	And rubbers weren't invented,
+They tied their socks around their cocks
+	And babies were prevented.
+%
+In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth,
+Who doesn't know gin from vermouth,
+	But this lubricant lapse
+	Isn't noticed, perhaps
+Because nobody does in Duluth.
+%
+In France they piss on Main Street
+(In pissoirs, Mama, not cheap display).
+		-- Joni Mitchell
+%
+In light of the New Morality, Playboy Inc. is offering a new version of
+its magazine, for married men.  Every month it has the same centerfold.
+%
+In my sweet little Alice Blue gown
+Was the first time I ever laid down,
+	I was both proud and shy
+	As he opened his fly
+And the moment I saw it I thought I would die.
+
+Oh it hung almost down to the ground,
+As it went in I made not a sound,
+	The more that he shoved it
+	The more that I loved it,
+As he came on my Alice Blue gown.
+%
+In my sweet little night gown of blue,
+On the first night that I slept with you,
+	I was both shy and scared
+	As the bed was prepared,
+And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue.
+
+As we both watched the break of day,
+And in peaceful submission I lay,
+	You said you adored it
+	But dammit, you tore it,
+My sweet little night gown of blue.
+%
+In outer space, nobody can hear you fart.
+%
+In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless
+he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client
+has not spoken with Roberts for several years.  Off the record, God has stated
+that "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time
+ago."
+		-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
+%
+In the beginning was the DEMO Project.  And the Project was without form.
+And darkness was upon the staff members thereof.  So they spake unto
+their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."
+
+And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
+"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof."
+Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying,
+"It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none
+may abide before it."  And it came to pass that the Directorate Head
+spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel
+of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength."
+
+And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical
+Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is
+very strong."  And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the
+Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
+growth of the Laboratories."
+
+And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good!
+%
+In the romantic days of Warsaw, Viennese whores were known for their
+beauty and delicacy.  A gallant officer picked up one such lady of the
+evening, who took him to her apartment.  They made delicious love all
+evening before drifting to sleep in each others' arms.  In the morning
+the man dressed, staring into a full-length mirror.  The lady lay in her
+bed watching him.  Finally, she said softly,
+	"Didn't you forget something?"
+	"What did I forget?" asked the officer.
+	"You forgot about the money," said the lady.
+	"Oh, no," said the man, standing at ramrod attention.
+"A Polish officer never accepts money."
+%
+In the shade of the old apple tree
+Where between her fat legs I could see
+	A little brown spot
+	With the hair in a knot,
+And it certainly looked good to me.
+
+I asked as I tickled her tit
+If she thought that my big thing would fit.
+	She said it would do
+	So we had a good screw		In the shade of the old apple tree
+In the shade of the old apple tree.	I got all that was coming to me.
+						In the soft dewy grass
+I could hear the dull buzz of the bee		I had a fine piece of ass
+As he sunk his grub hooks into me.	From a maiden that was fine to see.
+	Her ass it was fine
+	But you should have seen mine
+In the shade of the old apple tree.
+%
+In the stands here I see a young couple who must be in love -- they're
+kissing on every pitch.  He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's
+kissing him on the balls.
+		-- Harry Caray, a Chicago sportscaster
+%
+Incest, n:
+	Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy.
+%
+Infatuation, n:
+	When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat.
+	When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants.
+%
+Inspite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
+is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
+%
+====================
+Inter-Dwarf Memo
+To: Dwarf-list
+From: Doc
+Re: S. White
+
+	If that bitch cleans one more thermometer with Ajax, I'm gonna kill
+her.   I'll give her apples, nice big apples.  With surprises inside. Yeah,
+surprises.
+%
+====================
+Inter-Dwarf Memo
+To: Dwarf-list
+From: Happy
+Re: S. White
+
+	Let it be noted that if she whistles that goddamned song one
+more time I'm gonna rip her fuckin' lips off.  Have a nice day.
+%
+Israeli prime minister Shamir invited the Pope to play a round of golf.  Since
+the Pope hadn't the faintest of an idea how to play, he convened the college of
+cardinals to ask their advice.  "Call Arnold Palmer," they suggested, "make him
+a cardinal and let him play in your place.  Tell Shamir you couldn't make it."
+	Honored by His Holiness' request, Palmer agreed to represent him.
+When he returned from the match, the Pope asked him how he had done.  "I came
+in second," Palmer replied.
+	"You mean to tell me Shamir beat you?"
+	"No, Your Holiness.  Rabbi Nicklaus did."
+%
+It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
+classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
+%
+It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and
+it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight
+into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
+		-- Voltaire
+%
+It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at all.
+%
+It is better to have Uranus in Cancer than to have Cancer in Uranus.
+%
+It is considered normal to consecrate virginity in the
+general and lust for its destruction in the particular.
+%
+It is far better to sleep with an old hen than pullet.
+%
+It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury.
+Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other
+half are doing it.
+		-- Winston Churchill
+%
+It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it is one
+damn thing over and over.
+		-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
+%
+It is not wise to make love more than once in the morning.
+You never know who you'll meet later in the day.
+%
+It is one of the superstitions of the human mind
+to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.
+		-- Voltaire
+%
+It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that
+could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered,
+broad-hipped, and short-legged race.
+		-- Schopenhauer
+%
+It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the
+war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by
+teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine."  He asked a nurse
+to fetch him a sample of urine.  He then talked at length about Diabetes
+mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that
+the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which
+means sweet as honey.  Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine
+of a diabetic ..."
+	By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the
+registrar promptly held up like a trophy.  We stared at that straw-colored
+fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before.  The registrar then
+startled us.  He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his
+finger with the tip of his tongue.  As if tasting wine, he opened and closed
+his lips rapidly.  Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar?  The sample
+was passed on to us for an opinion.  We all dipped a finger into the fluid,
+all of us foolishly licked that finger.
+	"Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learnt the first
+principle of diagnosis.  I mean the power of observation."  We were baffled.
+We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some
+anonymous patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said
+continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but
+licked my INDEX finger -- not like all you chaps.
+%
+It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian sheep because
+if you are a female sheep, what you do to solicit sex is to stand still.
+Maybe there is a female sheep out there really wanting another female,
+but there's just no way for us to know it.
+		-- Anne Perkins, in her study of sexuality in sheep.
+%
+It may not be funny, but it's damned amusing!
+%
+It must be admitted that we English have sex on the brain, which is a
+very unfortunate place to have it.
+		-- Malcolm Muggeridge
+%
+It seems that a rabbi, a priest and a minister decided to go fishing one
+sunny afternoon.  All three climbed into the boat and headed for the middle
+of the lake.  After several hours of relaxation, the minister decided that
+"nature was calling", and climbed out of the boat and walked ashore.  In
+a few moments, he walked back out to the boat and climbed back in.
+	The rabbi was absolutely astonished, but decided not to mention
+the apparent miracle.
+	A few minutes later, the priest also decided to go ashore for a
+moment, and climbed out of the boat, walked to shore, and a few minutes
+later came back.
+	By now the rabbi was in great distress and had begun to doubt his
+beliefs and wonder if there might be some validity to the Christian
+teachings.  But he immediately reaffirmed the fact that his faith WAS JUST
+AS STRONG as either the priest's or the minister's and decided that anything
+they could do, with God's help, he could do as well.
+	The rabbi then announced that he needed relief and would walk to
+shore.  He climbed out of the boat and went straight to the bottom of the
+lake.  While the rabbi was thrashing about in the water, the priest turned to
+the minister and said, "So... do you think we ought to tell him where the
+rocks are?"
+%
+It seems that a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a bar.  The Scot
+immediately singled out the bartender and proclaimed that drinks were
+on the house, and that he expected him to serve only his best.  The next
+day, the headlines read: Irish Ventriloquist Beaten to Death Behind Bar.
+%
+It seems that John gets this phone call:
+	"Hello," he answers.  The voice on the other end of the line
+is hard and cold.
+	"This is Susan," he hears.  "We met at a party a few months
+ago.
+	"Of course, Susan!", John replies.  "How are you?"
+	"Not very well.  Remember how after the party you took me home and
+we parked?  And you told me that I was a 'good sport'?  Well, I'm pregnant
+and I'm going to kill myself tonight."
+	John is silent for a few moments, collecting his thoughts.  "Well,"
+he finally replies, "you sure *are* a good sport."
+%
+It seems that there was this Christian about to be thrown to the lions.  He
+was shoved into the middle of the arena and the lion was released.  Being
+a good Christian, as the lion approached he knelt and prayed, asking God for
+forgiveness for his (few) sins, and begging that the lion might be dissuaded
+from eating him for its breakfast.  Much to his dismay, the lion didn't stop
+but kept coming, getting faster and faster, now almost running, so the
+Christian took off too.  There they were, running around and around the arena,
+the lion getting closer and the Christian praying harder and harder between
+gasps for breath.  The lions breath was now hot upon his heels and he could
+even feel droplets of the lions saliva splashing on his bare feet.  So he
+pulled out all the stops, promising God that if the lion will only spare him,
+he will devote the rest of his life to spreading the Christian faith,
+forsaking all temptation and possessions.  Suddenly he no longer felt the
+lions breath, no longer heard the great beast's snarls close behind him.
+Slowing to a stop, he turned around and saw the lion on its knees, eyes rolled
+upward, paws held together.  The lion appeared to be muttering something so
+the Christian approached until he could make out what the lion was saying.
+	"Dear Lord, for what I am about to receive..."
+%
+It takes a brave man to admit his mistakes.
+Especially in a paternity hearing.
+%
+It takes leather balls to play rugby.
+	(Blood makes the grass grow!)
+%
+It takes little strain and no art
+To bang out an echoing fart.
+	The reaction is hearty
+	When you fart at a party,
+But the sensitive persons depart.
+%
+It used to be a man's world, and the woman's place was in the home.
+They can kiss that shit goodbye.
+%
+It was a female that drove me to drink
+and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her.
+		-- R.E. Baber
+%
+It was a warm, sunny Sunday, and a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo.
+They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and
+the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.  "That gorilla is getting
+excited just looking at your tits," he said.  "Why don't you take your blouse
+off and we'll see what he does?"
+	At first she refused.  But finally persuaded by her husband, she took
+off her blouse and bra.  The gorilla went nuts.  He started grunting and
+jumping up and down.
+	"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind.  Take off all
+your clothes and we'll see what he does."
+	Again she said no and again he persuaded her.  This time the ape
+really went bananas!  He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around
+in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.  The husband went over to
+the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
+	"Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!"
+%
+It was almost closing time when a male patron who had been getting the
+frosty treatment from a girl at the end of the bar called to the
+bartender and said, "Give that bitchy douche bag over there one on me."
+	"We discourage that sort of language here, sir," the bartender
+answered sternly.
+	"OK, OK. Serve the lady a cocktail with my compliments."
+	The bartender approached the female in question.  "The, uh, gentleman
+at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, miss.  What would
+you like?"
+	"Vinegar and water."
+%
+It was April the 41st,
+Being a quadruple leap year.
+I was driving in down-town Atlantis.
+My Barracuda was in the shop,
+So I was in a rented stingray
+	-- and it was over-heating.
+So, I pulled into a Shell station.
+They said I'd blown a seal.
+I said "Fix the damned thing and leave my private
+	life out of it, okay pal?"
+		-- Wet Dreams
+%
+It was at the eighth annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had
+gathered for the ball.  A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag
+line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself.
+Turning to  another mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that bitch, aren't
+they beautiful?"
+	"Just fair," was the answer.
+	"You're crazy," said the first mouse and then turning to another,
+asked his opinion.
+	"They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited
+about."
+	"Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse.  "Now
+you," he said to a fourth mouse, "what did you think?"
+	"To tell you the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs;
+I'm a tit mouse myself."
+%
+It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a romantic haze.
+"Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last.  It's all like a wonderful
+dream!"
+	Her husband didn't answer.  A few moments passed.  She sighed again
+and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true."
+	Still no response from her spouse.  Another pause and another
+sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your
+wife."
+	"Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied,
+you will!"
+%
+It was his third marriage and her fourth.  He was quite surprised when on
+their honeymoon she pleaded, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
+	"Darling, what do you mean you're still a virgin?  You've been
+married three times."
+	"Yes, but they all worked for DEC.  The first was a salesman,
+and all he ever did was promise how good it would be.  The second was one
+of their software hacks, he told me to take care of it myself.  And the
+third was a field service representative, and he kept promising that it
+would be up in 15 minutes.
+%
+It was New Year's Eve and the house was brightly decorated with holiday
+trappings.  The only sound that broke the quiet was the click of Grandma's
+knitting needles.  The children; Jane, eight and Mary, five, were seated
+in front of a cheerily burning fire, leafing through a picture book.
+Tiring of this, they went over to Grandma's rocker.  Jane climbed up on
+the arm of the chair and Mary snuggled into Grandma's cozy lap.
+	"Tell us a story," begged Mary.
+	"Oh," said the old lady, laying aside her knitting and wrapping
+her arms around the children.  "What story should I tell you?"
+	"Tell us our favorite story," whispered little Jane eagerly.
+"About the time you were a hooker in Chicago."
+%
+It was on the tip of my tongue to tell them about the deer, but I ended up
+not doing it.  That was one thing I kept to myself.  I've never spoken or
+written of it until just now, today.  And I have to tell you that it seems
+a lesser thing written down, damn near inconsequential.  But for me it was
+the best part of that trip, the cleanest part, and it was a moment I found
+myself returning to, almost helplessly, when there was trouble in my life --
+my first day in the bush in Vietnam, and this fellow walked into the clearing
+where we were with his hand over his nose and when he took his hand away there
+was no nose there because it had been shot off; the time the doctor told us
+our youngest son might be hydrocephalic (he turned out just to have an
+oversized head, thank God); the long crazy weeks before my mother died.  I
+would find my thoughts turning back to that morning, the scuffed suede of
+her ears, the white flash of her tail.  But eight hundred million Red Chinese
+don't give a shit, right?  The most important things are the hardest to say,
+because words diminish them.  It's hard to make strangers care about the
+good things in your life.
+		-- Stephen King, "The Body"
+%
+It was the first day of a new term at Princeton, and a Texas A&M freshman
+was learning his way around the campus.  Stopping a distinguished looking
+upperclassman, he inquired,
+	"Say, buddy, can you tell me where the library is at?"
+	"My good fellow," came the reply, "at Princeton we do not end our
+sentences with a preposition."
+	"All right," said the freshman, "can you tell me where the library
+is at, asshole?"
+%
+It was this guy's first day in the penitentiary; he was in a cell with a
+huge burley inmate, and he was pretty nervous.  At lights-out, the inmate
+jumped out of his bunk, and, turning to our hero, said, "We're going to
+have sex!  You want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?"
+	A very terrified hero managed to squeak out, "Uh, well, uh, I guess
+I'll be the Daddy."
+	"OK," smiled his roommate, "get down here and suck your Momma's dick!"
+%
+It's a bit hard to bullshit the ocean.  It's not listening, you know
+what I mean.
+		-- David Crosby
+%
+It's a bitch being butch.
+%
+It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything
+on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married.
+%
+It's a question of Napleon brandy versus Ripple.
+I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth.
+		-- Rita Moreno, commenting in Newsweek on the sex appeal
+		   of older women versus younger women
+%
+"It's always the same," the girl sighed to her roommate after returning
+in the wee, small hours.  "Afterward, I feel so compromised, so cheap, so
+soiled... so absolutely wonderful from head to toe!"
+%
+It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
+		-- Joan Rivers
+%
+It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.
+%
+It's hard to keep a good girl down -- but lots of fun trying.
+%
+It's midnight.  The old man is awake, nervously pacing the floor, as his
+20-year-old son comes in.
+
+	"Whatta you mean?  You staya out alla night, you runna around widda
+bums.  Whatta you trying to do?"
+	"Papa, don't talk like that," replies the boy.
+	"Who-a you, tella me notta talka like that?  You no work, you
+chase-a bad women, whatta become of you?"
+	"Papa, *please* don't talk like that."
+	"Don'ta talka like that?  Whatta you mean?  Why shouldn't I talka
+likka that?"
+	"Papa, we're not Italian."
+%
+It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame.
+		-- Sean O'Huiginn
+%
+It's not pretty being easy.
+%
+It's not the ups and downs of love, it's the ins and outs.
+%
+It's so fuckin' great to be alive!
+%
+It's the sighs that count.
+%
+I've been feeling kind of jealous,
+Of all them well-hung fellas,
+Like Michael, Rod, and Mick.		It would have to be a big one,
+Tell me, Doctor can you mend me?	A giant, horny love gun,
+I've a case of penis envy --		To let me be a jock.
+If I only had a dick.			Girls would never beg my pardon,
+					They would turn on to my hardon --
+					If I only had a cock.
+Oh, I can tell you now,
+The number of times I'd score,
+I could fuck girls like			I would not be just a housewife,
+	I never have before,		Living a little mouse-life
+And then I'd cum (wee!)			In days that drag out long.
+And fuck some more!			I would dance and I'd be merry
+					Life would be a ding-a-derry
+					If I only had a dong!
+		-- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz
+%
+I've been told that it's far more sensous to have a woman leave something
+on rather than being totally nude.  Myself, I've always felt that the lights
+were more than enough.
+%
+I've been watching you closely to see if you have been good this year;
+and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me
+to leave under your tree on Christmas.  I was going to bring you all the
+gifts from the twelve days of Christmas, but we had a little problem up here.
+The twelve fiddlers fiddling have all come down with V.D. from fiddling with
+the ten ladies dancing, the eleven lords-a-leaping have knocked up the eight
+maids-a-milking, and the nine pipers piping have been arrested for doing
+weird things to the seven swans-a-swimming and the six geese-a-laying.  The
+four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and the partridge
+in the pear tree have me up to my ass in birdshit.  On top of all this, Mrs.
+Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves
+have joined gay liberation, and those dumb ass Polacks have scheduled
+Christmas for the fifth of February.  I'll do what I can.
+		Sincerely,
+		Santa
+%
+I've finally found the perfect girl,
+I couldn't ask for more,
+She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed,
+And owns a liquor store.
+%
+I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket.
+		-- Lyndon B. Johnson
+
+Don't see 'em this big out here, do they?
+		-- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters in a
+		public toilet during a tour of the Far East
+%
+Jack an Jill went up the hill.
+Jill went down,
+Jack came.
+%
+Jack and Jill went up a hill
+To fetch a pail of water.
+Jack fell down and broke his crown	Jack on Jill produced a thrill
+And Jill came tumbling after.		When on the ground he got her,
+					Then went down and told the town
+					He tumbled Jill and gaffed her.
+Jack to Jill thus did such ill
+That Jill, to pay the rotter,
+Told the town Jack's crown broke down	Jack and Jill have split the bill
+When he set out to shaft her.		Since Jack led Jill to totter.
+					Half the town deals Jill a frown
+					And half greets Jack with laughter.
+%
+Jack and Jill went up the hill
+Each had a buck and a quarter.
+Jill came down with two and a half --
+And you thought that they went for water.
+%
+Jack and Jill 
+Went up the hill,
+Each had a buck and a quarter!
+Jill came down,
+With two and a half,
+You think they went for water?
+%
+Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.
+Jack jumped over the candle stick,
+And burnt his balls.
+%
+Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
+Jack jumped over the candle stick.
+But Jack wasn't so nimble,
+Jack wasn't so quick,
+So Jack's in the hospital, with a burned up dick!
+%
+Jehovah is an alien and still threatens this planet!
+%
+Jesus died for your sins... make it worth his time.
+%
+Jesus has just stopped the crowd from stoning Mary Magdalene to death
+and is berating the self-pious with the famous speech, "Let the one
+among you who is without sin cast the first stone..."
+	Right about then, a rock comes winging through the air and hits
+Jesus upside the head.  He whirls around and shouts "Alright, Mom, c'mon!
+I'm trying to make a point, here!"
+%
+Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you're a dork.
+%
+Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
+		-- Michael O'Donohugh
+%
+Jesus Never Fails
+
+(He's never taken the Massachusetts Bar Exam, either.)
+%
+Jesus Saves!
+
+(And Esposito scores on the rebound!)
+%
+Jesus Saves,
+Moses Invests,
+But only Buddha pays Dividends.
+%
+Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
+%
+Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food.
+		-- From the movie "My Favorite Year".
+%
+Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were
+on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink.
+	"Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the 
+women and children aboard the lifeboats first."
+	"Fuck the women!" Kennedy shouted.
+	"Do we have time?" Hart asked.
+	"Do we have time?" Biden asked.
+	"Did everyone hear that?" Dukakis asked.
+%
+Joan of Arc is alive and medium well.
+%
+John Paul II is famous for his touring, and his quaint habit of pressing
+his lips to foreign soil on his arrival.  This sparked some wit to remark:
+	"The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on
+the women!"
+%
+Johnny Carson's Observation on Geriatrics:
+	Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull
+	over to the side of the road.
+%
+Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get
+a prompt, type like hell.
+%
+Just go with the flow control, roll with the
+crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell. 
+%
+Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of
+blue denim.  If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys
+like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim.  I don't enjoy the sky
+or sea as much as I used to because of this Levi character.  If Jesus Christ
+came back today, He and I would get into our brown corduroys and go to the
+nearest jean store and overturn the racks of blue denim.  Then we'd get
+crucified in the morning.
+		-- Ian Anderson, of Jethro Tull
+%
+Kansas, where the men are men, the sheep
+are scared and the women are grateful.
+%
+kasha, n:
+	Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats".  There's only one
+	problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"?
+	I know what they are -- they're kasha.  But that doesn't help you
+	much.
+		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
+	Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex
+	for the students, and parking for the faculty.
+%
+King Louis gave a lesson in class,
+One time while enjoying a lass.
+	When she used the word "Damn"
+	He rebuked her: "Please ma'am,
+Keep a more civil tongue in my ass."
+%
+Kissing, petting, and even intercourse are all right as long as they are
+sincere.  I have never given a kiss in my life that wasn't sincere.  As
+for intercourse, I'd say three times a day was about right.
+		-- Margaret Sangor
+%
+Kitten with a whip,	Teddy bear in chains,	Puss in leather boots,
+tail, swish swish,	spread on a bed;	rising thigh high;
+take what you will,	fantasy games,		black rubber suits;
+get what you wish.	deep in your head.	making him cry.
+
+Squirm from the blows,	Now pussy's all hot,	Teddy bear sighs;
+writhe from the pain;	from the power trip;	kitty's on top;
+but teddy bear knows,	ready or not,		there's fire in her eyes,
+that he wants it again.	next swing's from	and the cat won't stop.
+				the hip.
+
+The world explodes,	Teddy's still tied;	Kitten with a whip,
+her claws dig in;	lying all alone;	tail, swish swish,
+then kitty cat goes,	even if he tried,	take what you will,
+cause she's through	he couldn't go home.	get what you wish.
+	with him.
+		-- Kitten With A Whip
+%
+Knowledge Engineering:
+
+A combination of:
+
+Engineering, n:
+	The application of science and mathematics by which the properties
+of matter and the sources of energy in nature are made useful to man in
+structures, machines, products, systems and processes.
+
+and
+
+Knowledge, n:
+	Sexual intercourse.
+
+See also: Prostitution, Grantsmanship.
+%
+Konrad Lorenz, the great animal behaviorist, was scrupulous about cultivating
+fruitful confusion.  Lorenz lived among his research subjects:  dozens of
+species of mammals, birds, reptiles, and fishes.  He did not quantify, control,
+or consciously experiment.  He got to know each creature individually, then
+threw them together, watching for the unexpected, the unusual, or the bizarre
+in the chaos that followed.  For example, his interest in one of ethology's
+most important concepts, that of intention movements (motions with meaning,
+such as the head bobbing in birds that serves as an alarm signal before
+flight), derived from an inadvertent experiment.  He had trained a free-flying
+raven to eat raw meat from his hand and had been feeding the bird for several
+hours one day.  He would reach into his pants pocket and take out a piece of
+meat, and the raven would swoop down to grab it in its bill.  By and by, Lorenz
+went to relieve himself near a hedge.  When the raven saw him put his hand
+into his pants and pull out another morsel of meat, it swooped down, hungrily
+grasping the new mouthful in its bill.  Lorenz howled in pain.  But the event
+left a deep impression on him -- about how faithfully animals respond to
+intention movements, that is.
+		-- The Sciences, May/June, 1988, N.Y. Academy of Science.
+%
+Kotex, n:
+	Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best.
+%
+Kumquat, n:
+	Any of several small citrus fruits with sweet spongy rind and
+	somewhat acidic pulp that are used chiefly for preserves.
+	Extremely popular in some forms of sexual intercourse.  In fact,
+	an early indication that your partner is willing to experiment
+	sexually may be a rather insistent moaning of "kumquat, kumquat"
+	during orgasm.
+
+	Note: this is *not* to be confused with a warning from your
+	partner that his/her parents are upstairs and probably awake.
+%
+Labia majora, n:
+	The curly gates.
+%
+Lady to Golf Pro: "I was stung by bees on your golf course!"
+Pro:	"Ummm, well, where?"
+Lady:	"Between the 1st and 2nd holes."
+Pro:	"That's going to real tough to treat."
+%
+lagnaf, n:
+	Let's All Get Naked And Fuck!
+%
+Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
+%
+"Last night,"  said a lassie named Ruth,
+"In a long-distance telephone booth,
+	I enjoyed the perfection
+	Of an ideal connection --
+I was screwed, if you must know the truth."
+%
+Last week I saw a girl in a sweater so tight I could hardly breathe.
+%
+lawyer, n:
+	Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to "following too
+	closely."
+%
+Lawyers do it to everyone.
+%
+Left a good broad by the river,
+Traveled back into town just to get some rest!
+Waited for 10 hours,
+Went back to the river,
+But I couldn't get her out of that mess!
+
+chorus:
+	Poor Mary Jo Kopechne,
+	Dead Mary Jo Kopechne,
+	Rollin'... rollin'... rollin' down the window!
+
+If you're gonna run for office,
+And you know that it's an election year.
+Don't go in the river,
+'Specially by way of bridges,
+It could put an end to your political career!
+(chorus)
+		-- Poor Mary Jo, to the tune of "Proud Mary"
+%
+"Lemme show ya the odds, Sparky...  In yer country, ya got 14 million black
+people, and 3 million white people.  Now, does the name `Custer' mean anything
+to you?"
+		-- Robin Williams, portraying Lester Maddox talking to Prime
+		   Minister Botha of South Africa.
+%
+Les salons de la ville de Trieste
+Sont vaseux, suraigus, at funestes;
+	Parmi les grandes chaises
+	On cause des malaises,
+Des estropiements, et des pestes.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+Let a Field Service Engineer put it in.
+%
+Liberace was at heaven's gate when Saint Peter told him that he'd been
+disqualified from entering.
+	Stunned, Liberace asked, "Why?"
+	"Our records show that you once ate a parakeet," Saint Peter answered.
+	"I never did that," Liberace replied.  "Can't you check your records?
+They *must* be wrong!"
+	"It says right here that on August 15, 1981, you ate a chartreuse
+parakeet with black trim."
+	"Hey, listen, you must be thinking of Ozzy Osbourne, " Liberace
+replied. "Now, I might have had a cockatoo..."
+%
+LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
+	You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
+reality.  If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.  Chances for
+employment and monetary gains are excellent.  Most Libra women are
+prostitutes.  All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
+%
+Lick-a-dee-clit!
+%
+Life is a bitch, but the puppies can be cute.
+%
+Life is a shit sandwich, and every day you get to take another bite.
+It's just that some days are TWO BITE days ...
+%
+Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks and a wife that don't.
+		-- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+Life is like a cucumber -- one moment it's
+in your hand, the next it's up your ass.
+%
+Life is like a penis: when it's soft you
+can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked.
+%
+Life is like a shit sandwich.  The more bread
+you have, the less shit you have to eat.
+%
+Life is not a cabaret.
+It's a fucking circus.
+%
+Life isn't a bitch.  Life is a virgin.  A bitch is easy.
+%
+Like private parts to the Gods are we,
+they play with us for their sport.
+		-- Lord Melchett (Blackadder 2)
+%
+Limericks are art forms complex,
+Their topics run chiefly to sex.
+	They usually have virgins,
+	And masculine urgin's,
+And other erotic effects.
+%
+Lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you,
+Lipstick on your dipstick said you were untrue.
+Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through,
+'Cause lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you.
+		-- To the tune of "Lipstick On Your Collar"
+%
+Lisp hackers
+	... do it in CARS.
+	... do it with tail recursion.
+	... first do it in the front, then do it in the back.
+	... have DEFUN while doing it.
+	... have to be bound to do it.
+	... have Moby dicks.
+%
+Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
+%
+Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper.
+%
+Little Boy Blew... he needed the money.
+%
+LITTLE DEATH: (la petite mort) Some women do indeed pass right out, the
+'little death' of French poetry.  Men occasionally do the same.  The
+experience is not unpleasant, but it can scare an inexperienced partner
+cold.  A friend of ours had this happen with the first girl he ever slept
+with.  On recovery she explained, "I am awfully sorry, but I always do that."
+By then he had called the police and an ambulance.  So there is no cause
+for alarm, any more than over the yells, convulsions, hysterical laughter,
+or sobbing, or any of the other quite unexpected reactions that go along
+with complete orgasm in some people.  By contrast others simply shut their
+eyes, but enjoy it no less.  Sound and fury can be a flattering testimony
+to a partners skills, but a fallacious one, because they don't depend on the
+intensity of feeling, nor it upon them.
+		-- The Joy of Sex
+%
+Little Herbie had been blind since birth.  One day at bedtime, his mother
+told him that the next day was a very special one.  If he prayed extra
+hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning.  The next
+morning she came into Herbie's room and asked him if he'd prayed hard
+the night before.
+	"Yes, Mommie," was his reply, "all night long!"
+	"Well, then," she said, "open your eyes and you'll know that
+your prayers have been answered."
+Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out,
+	"Mother! Mother! I still can't see!"
+	"I know, dear," said his mother, "April Fool."
+%
+Little Johnny with a grin,
+Drank up all of daddy's gin,
+Mother said, when he was plastered,
+Go to bed, you little love-child.
+%
+Little known facts: the dirtiest words used on television during the
+1950's were uttered by June Cleaver.
+	"Gee, Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"
+%
+Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
+Eating her curds and whey.
+Along came a spider,
+And bit her right in the snatch.
+%
+Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet,
+Eating her curds and whey.
+Along came a spider,
+Who sat down beside her,
+And said, "What's in the bowl, bitch?"
+%
+Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
+Her knickers all tattered and torn.
+For it wasn't a spider that sat down beside her,
+But Little Boy Blue with his horn!
+%
+Little Miss Muffet,
+Sat on her tuffet,
+Smoking some THC.
+Along came a narc'er who sat down beside her
+And said, "So... what's in the bag, bitch?!"
+%
+Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit
+her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree.
+	"Aha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you, and I'm going to eat you."
+	"Eat, eat, eat," said Little Red Riding Hood angrily,
+"Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
+%
+Long, long ago, in the Old West, a rancher rode into town to buy supplies.
+When he returned, he found that his whole family had been killed, his wife
+raped, his house burned, and all his cattle rustled.  When he told his
+distant neighbors about the tragedy, a few of them reported that the only
+stranger they had seen in the area for weeks was a tall desperado wearing a
+black hat and a red neckerchief.
+	The cowboy saddled his fastest horse and set out to find the villian.
+He searched for months but couldn't catch up with the culprit; in town after
+dusty town he was told that a man fitting the description had been there but
+had just departed; usually after some heinous crime.
+	One evening after a hard day's ride he came into a town, tied his
+horse, and entered the saloon.  At a table in the corner sat an ugly man,
+with a black hat and a red neckerchief!  Slowly the cowboy stalked up to
+this man, his hands resting upon his guns.
+	"Are you the man who killed my family, raped my wife, burned my
+house and rustled my cattle?"
+	"Probably; after so many, how can I be sure?" snarled the bandit.
+	"You better cut that shit out!"
+%
+Look out for yourself -- or they'll pee on your grave.
+		-- Louis B. Mayer
+
+The reason so many people showed up at Louis B. Mayer's funeral
+was because they wanted to make sure he was dead.
+		-- Samuel Goldwyn
+%
+Love comes in spurts.
+%
+Love comes in spurts.
+	--Devo, "Please Please"
+%
+Love is blind but desire doesn't give a good goddam.
+		-- James Thurber
+%
+Love is eating her even when she's not having her period.
+%
+Love is just for now ... herpes lasts forever.
+%
+Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin -- it's the triumphant
+twang of a bedspring.
+		-- S.J. Perelman
+%
+Love is two minutes and fifty-two seconds of squishy sounds.
+		-- Johnny Rotten
+%
+Love letters no longer they write us,
+To their homes they so seldom invite us.
+	It grieves me to say,
+	They have learned with dismay,
+We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'.
+%
+Luser, n:
+	Someone who picks up a female
+	hitch-hiker walking home from a date.
+%
+Ma Bell runs a baudy house.
+%
+Macho, adj:
+	Jogging home from a vasectomy.
+%
+Male, n:
+	Life support system for a cock.
+%
+Man in stall:
+	Hey, buddy?  Is there any toilet paper out there?
+Man at sink:
+	No, I don't see any.  Just a second...  Nope, none in
+	any of the other stalls either.
+A minute passes.
+Man in stall:
+	Say, buddy?
+Man at sink:
+	Yeah?
+Man in stall:
+	You got change for a ten?
+%
+Man who dance in crowded ballroom
+dance cheek to cheek with woman behind him.
+%
+Man who keep money in jockstrap has financial matters all balled up.
+%
+Man's lust for a bust is hardly recent,
+Some say not even indecent.
+But if you lust,
+It's a must!
+%
+Many a bachelor feels the need to insert his masculinity.
+%
+Many a man has decided to stay alive not because of the will to live, but
+because of the determination not to give assorted surviving bastards the
+satisfaction of his death.
+		-- Brendan Francis
+%
+Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would
+not have chosen a suit by it.
+		-- Maurice Chevalier
+%
+Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the
+whole girl.
+		-- Stephen Leacock
+%
+Many a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage with
+a woman finds out later that it was just a shake-down cruise.
+%
+Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God
+is a cruel and capricious tyrant.
+		-- Edward Gibbon
+%
+Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover.
+But she can never catch him at it.
+%
+Many a woman hasn't realized that she was raped until the check bounced.
+%
+Many nice things suck.
+%
+Marijuana is like Coors beer.  If you could buy the damn stuff
+at a Georgia filling station, you'd decide you wouldn't want it.
+		-- Billy Carter
+%
+Marlene wanted Joy to relent,
+She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent.
+	If you want to get laid,
+	Then we'll have to tribade!"
+(But Joy didn't know what she meant.)
+%
+Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
+		-- Peter De Vries
+%
+Marriage is like a bank account.  You put it in, you take it out,
+you lose interest.
+		-- Professor Irwin Corey
+%
+Mary had a little lamb,
+It's fleece as white as snow.
+It followed her to school one day,
+And got fucked by a big black dog.
+%
+Mary had a little lamb,
+She kept it in a bucket.
+And every time she let it out,
+The bulldog used to
+Chase it around the garden.
+%
+Mary had a little lamb,
+The lamb turned out to be a ram,
+Now Mary has a little lamb.
+%
+Mary had a little sheep,
+And with the sheep she went to sleep,
+The sheep turned out to be a ram,
+And Mary had a little lamb.
+%
+Mary had a little watch;
+She swallowed it one day.
+And so she took some Ex-Lax
+To pass the time away.
+
+But when she took the Ex-Lax
+The time it did not pass.
+So when you want to know the time,
+Just look up Mary's ...
+		Uncle, he has a watch, too.
+%
+Masturbation!  The amazing availability of it!
+		-- James Joyce
+%
+masturbation, n:
+	A self-service elevator.
+%
+masturbation, n:
+	Coming unscrewed.
+%
+Math is to physics like masturbation is to sex.
+%
+Mathematicians
+	... do it in groups.
+	... do it in theory.
+	... take it to the limit.
+%
+Mathematicians do it with a small, imaginary part.
+%
+Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
+described as being n-dimensional.  Like modern sex, any number can play.
+		-- James Blish, "Beep/The Quincunx of Time"
+%
+May a deranged midget on a pogo stick
+take refuge in your sister's hoop skirt.
+%
+May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
+%
+May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H.
+%
+May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
+%
+Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low
+opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer!
+%
+McCoy's a seducer galore,
+And of virgins he has quite a score.
+	He tells them, "My dear,
+	You're the Final Frontier,
+Where man never has gone before."
+%
+McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
+	If an item is advertised as "under $50",
+	you can bet your ass it's not $19.95.
+%
+McQuillan was on the stand. The case involved a railroad and several of
+the passengers who were injured.
+	"You say," thundered the counsel for the railroad, "that you saw
+the two trains crash head on while doing sixty miles an hour.  What did you
+think when you saw this happen ?"
+	I thought," replied the Irishman, "this is one *helluva* way to run
+a railroad."
+%
+Me father makes book on the corner,
+Me mother makes second hand gin,
+Me sister makes love for a dollar,
+And that's how the money rolls in!
+
+	Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in!
+		(Rolls in!)
+	Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in!
+
+Me father sells cheap prophylactics,
+Me mum pokes the tips with a pin,
+Me sister performs the abortions,
+And that's how the money rolls in!
+
+Me uncle's a poor missionary,
+He saves fallen women from sin.
+He'll save you a blonde for five dollars,
+And that's how the money rolls in.
+%
+Me, I love the rich.  *Somebody* has to love them.  Sure, a lot
+of rich people are assholes, but believe me, a lot of poor people
+are assholes too.  And an asshole with money can at least pay
+for his own drinks.
+		-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
+%
+Meanwhile back at the oasis, the Ay-rabs wuz busy a-eatin' their dates!
+%
+Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Granny was a-beating off the Indians, but
+they jus' kept on a-comin'.  Back at the outhouse, things were a-pilin' up.
+And, as the U.S. Fourth Calvary mounted the hill, Tonto, cleverly disguised
+as a doorknob, came off in the Lone Ranger's hand.
+%
+Meet Elmer, young son of the Thorpes,
+Afflicted with psychotic warps.
+	His idea of fun
+	Is to bugger a nun,
+And then vomit all over the corpse.
+%
+Megaton Man:	"LOOK at them!  Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
+		ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"
+
+(from below):	"Move your ASS, Fat-head!"
+
+Megaton Man:	"It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
+%
+Men -- can't live with 'em, can't leave
+'em by the curb when you're done.
+%
+Men have many faults,
+	Women only two:
+Everything they say,
+	And everything they do!
+%
+Men will fuck mud.
+		-- Lenny Bruce
+%
+menage a trois, n:
+	Using both hands to masturbate.
+%
+Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies.  Women's magazines
+also often feature pictures of naked ladies.  This is because the female
+body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and
+should not be seen by the light of day.
+		-- Richard Roeper, "Men and Women Are Different"
+%
+Men's skin is different from women's skin.  It is usually bigger, and it
+has more snakes tattooed on it.  Also, if you examine a woman's skin very
+closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing
+the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...
+
+	[EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important
+	 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the
+	 next few square feet of the woman's skin.  Thank you.]
+
+... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
+cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
+billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"!  And what is even more
+interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying!  This is a fact.  Your
+skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran cells,
+who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices with nice
+views, are constantly being shoved  out the  window head first, without  so
+much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from below.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+Meteorologist, n:
+	A man who can look in a woman's eyes and predict whether.
+%
+Mickey Mouse has a long talk one day with a psychiatrist, after which
+the psychiatrist interviews Minnie Mouse.  A few days later Mickey meets
+with the psychiatrist, and the following conversation ensues:
+
+Sigmund : I talked with Minnie after talking with you.
+Mickey  : Oh?
+Sigmund : I couldn't find anything wrong with her -- she isn't insane.
+Mickey  : Idiot!  I didn't say she was insane -- I said she was
+		fuckin' Goofy.
+%
+Miguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote.  Milton wrote Paradise Lost, then his
+wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
+%
+"Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's
+testicles for a bet...  God, that bloody sheep kicked him!"
+		-- Ripping Yarns
+%
+Missed the train at the railway station
+Oh hell, blast, and damnation!
+Asked a lady in there if she had the time,
+She said "Yes", and a strong inclination.
+%
+Missionary position:
+	The missionary on top.
+%
+Mistress Mary, quite contrary,
+How does your garden grow?
+With silver bells and cockle shells,
+And one really fucked-up petunia.
+%
+Mistress, n:
+	Something between a mister and a mattress.
+%
+mixed emotions:
+	Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff...
+	in your brand new Mercedes.
+%
+Montana:
+	Where men are men and women are sheep.
+%
+Moody bitch in search of...
+	kind, considerate, loving man.  Objective, love-hate relationship.
+%
+Moody bitch with attitude, seeks nice,
+good-looking guy to dump on.
+%
+Morris left for a two-day business trip to Chicago.  He was only a few
+blocks from his house, when he realized that he had left the airplane
+tickets on his bureau top.  He returned and quietly entered the house.
+His wife, in her skimpiest negligee, was standing at the sink washing
+the breakfast dishes.  She looked so inviting that he tiptoed up behind
+her, reached out, and squeezed her breast.
+	"Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Morris won't be here
+for breakfast tomorrow."
+%
+Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss
+out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel.
+%
+Most men would never get laid if it weren't for the pity fuck.
+%
+Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
+		-- Frank Zappa
+%
+Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity
+to be otherwise.
+		-- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
+%
+Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some.
+%
+Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
+	Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis:
+	it stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
+%
+Moustache rides, 50 cents.
+%
+Mr. Rection, Mr. Hugh G. Rection, please pick up a white courtesy telephone!
+%
+Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot.  He had just one
+problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens.  Mrs. Johnson scolded him
+time and time again, but he would just laugh at her.  Finally, she told him
+that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of
+his head.  Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but one day, he just
+couldn't resist going next door.  Besides, he figured she was bluffing.
+	Well, Mr. Hawkins came over, ranting and raving about how the parrot
+had been fucking his chickens again.  Mrs. Johnson didn't say a word, just
+took out her scissors and cut off all of the parrot's head feathers.
+	That night, Mrs. Johnson had a big party at her house.  Before it
+started, she took the parrot and put him on top of the piano by the front
+door.  "Since you disobeyed me today, you have to stay here on the piano
+tonight.  Now, don't you dare move."
+	Well, the parrot was pretty pissed off about having his head bare,
+and he wasn't too happy about having to spend the whole evening on the piano.
+Still, as he usually did, when the butler would announce the guests as they
+arrived, he would say hello to them.  Just then, two bald-headed men came to
+the door.
+	Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you
+chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!"
+%
+Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks;
+Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks.
+	When he's under the weather
+	They can't get together,
+So others get into her box.
+%
+Murphy's Discovery:
+	Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk
+	to women?  They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and
+	everything will be all right."  And what happens?  Nine
+	months later, you're in trouble!
+%
+Musing on her present and past professions as "dominant/sadomasichism
+fantasy fulfiller" and dental hygienist, Sybil said, "I couldn't really
+understand why I wanted to be a dental hygienist, but years later, after
+being in the SM world a long time, I figured it out:  I'm in uniform,
+they're not.  I'm standing up, they're lying down.  I'm doing painful
+things to them for their own good.   This is so ME."
+		-- The Daily Cal, September 29, 1992 In an article titled:
+	           "Kinky sex remains alive and whipping despite threat
+		    of AIDS, book reveals"
+%
+My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer
+dahlias.
+		-- William Allen White
+%
+My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet.
+He goes around with his head stuck up his ass.
+%
+My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus.  They put him
+in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was
+Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.
+		-- T. Bywater
+%
+My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
+family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
+		-- Alexandre Dumas
+%
+My girlfriend's favorite erotic position is bending over my credit cards.
+%
+My godda bless, never I see sucha people.
+		-- Signor Piozzi, quoted by Cecilia Thrale
+%
+My idea of a wild party is where you throw the girls' panties at the wall
+and they stick.
+		-- Johnny Bob
+%
+My jaw aches, my pussy is sore.
+I simply can't fuck any more;
+	I'm covered with sweat,
+	And you haven't come yet,
+And my God, it's a quarter to four!
+		-- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
+%
+My mother didn't breast-feed me.  She said she liked me as a friend.
+		-- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+My mother was a test tube; my father was a knife.
+		-- Friday
+%
+My mother-in-law broke up my marriage.  One day my wife
+came home early from work and found us in bed together.
+		-- Lenny Bruce
+%
+My mothers are wholly ignorant of the almost universal prevalence of secret
+vice, or self-abuse, among the young.  Why hesitate to say firmly and without
+quibble that personal abuse lies at the root of much of the feebleness,
+paleness, nervousness, and good-for-nothingness of the entire community?
+		-- Dr. J.H. Kellogg, "The Ladies Guide", Modern Medicine
+		   Publishing Company, 1895.  Dr. Kellogg helped invent
+		   corn flakes and peanut butter.  In addition to denouncing
+		   masturbation, he believed that smoking caused cancer and
+		   that certain ailments could be cured by rolling a
+		   cannonball on the stomach.
+%
+My reaction to porno films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I
+want to go home and screw. After the first twenty minutes, I never want
+to screw again as long as I live.
+		-- Erica Jong
+%
+My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine.
+%
+My travel agent's an Oxford chap 
+Who rolls his eyes when he speaks.
+I asked him about the Isle of Man 
+For a journey of about six weeks.
+And this is what he said to me 
+As he looked me right in the eye,
+"For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip 
+Of Elephant Shit On Rye."
+
+A brand-new store just opened its door
+At the corner of 5th and Vine
+And I happened to be standing right outside
+When they turned on their neon sign.
+I heard a strange sound, I looked around,
+And that's when I almost died,
+They nearly knocked me down to be the first in town
+To get their Elephant Shit On Rye!
+%
+`My trip? It was vile.  Balaclava
+I loathed.  Etna was crawling with lava.
+	The ship was all white
+	But it creaked in the night,
+And the band, they did not know la java."
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+`My trip? It was vile. Balaclava
+I loathed.  Etna was crawling with lava.
+	The ship was all white
+	But it creaked in the night,
+And the band, they did not know la java."
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+My wife and I only smoke after sex.  I've had the same pack since 1967.
+She's up to three packs a day.
+		-- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+My wife has breast cancer.  She told me to start dating.
+		-- Howard Stern
+%
+Naeser's Law:
+	You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
+%
+Naked children are so perfectly pure and lovely.  I confess I do not admire
+naked boys.  They always seem to me to need clothes -- whereas one hardly
+sees why the lovely forms of girls should ever be covered up.
+		-- Lewis Carroll
+%
+Naked couple in bed, woman says to man:
+	"When I said I had a foot fetish, I was referring to cocks."
+%
+Nancy Reagan wants to divorce old Ron...
+seems he's making it hard for everyone but her.
+%
+National Sex Week -- don't let your meat loaf.
+%
+navel, n:
+	A place to stash your gum on the way down.
+%
+Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
+Watch who you sleep with.
+%
+necrophelia, n:
+	Dead boring.
+
+incest, n:
+	Relatively boring.
+%
+necrophilia, n:
+	Dropping in for a cold one.
+%
+Need to buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
+Try Fredricks of Ithaca, New York.
+%
+Negotiate my ass, let's kill something!
+%
+Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane.
+		-- Gordon Cooper
+%
+"Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work!  Why do you think I CAME here?"
+"Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure."
+%
+Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds.
+%
+NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
+	"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on
+a short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
+promptly to avoid extended waits.  (We are still awaiting shipment of
+our "Big John" doll.)
+%
+New book out from Gary Hart; "Six Inches from the White House".
+%
+New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation;
+it's the asshole of the universe.
+		-- Jonathan Michael Smith
+%
+New York:
+	Where men are men, sheep enjoy it, and lepers laugh their heads off.
+%
+Newlywed groom:
+	Honey, I have something to confess to you.  I'm a golfer.
+	You'll never see me on Tuesday nights, Thursday nights,
+	and weekends.  I'm sorry.
+Newlywed bride:
+	I have something even worse to confess, dear.  I'm a hooker.
+Groom:
+	Oh, honey, that's no problem!  Just keep your head low and follow
+	through...
+%
+Newsflash:
+	Apparently the rapture did occur last Tuesday as was originally
+predicted.  All true believers were transported to heaven while the rest
+of us were left behind to await the Anti-Christ and the end of the world.
+	Widespread reports that the rapture had not occurred stemmed from
+expectations that the effect would be more widespread than it turned out
+to be.  The definition of "true believer" was apparently more restrictive
+than expected, however, and the only qualifiers were a family of five,
+living in Stenton, North Dakota.
+%
+Next, upon a stool, we've a sight to make you drool.
+Seven virgins and a mule, keep it cool, keep it cool.
+		-- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)
+%
+Nice computers don't go down.
+%
+Nine out of ten men who preferred Camels have switched back to women.
+%
+Nine reasons a taco is better than a woman:
+	1: Tacos don't put frilly covers on the toilet seat
+		so the lid won't stay up.
+	2: Tacos don't use your razor on their legs.
+	3: Tacos don't say "That's okay, it doesn't have to be good for me."
+	4: Tacos don't get upset if you eat another taco, "Just for fun."
+	5: Tacos will never contest a divorce,
+		demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything.
+	6: Tacos won't ask you about your last lover,
+		or speculate about your next one.
+	7: A taco will never make a scene because
+		there are other tacos in the refrigerator.
+	8: It's easy to drop a taco.
+	9: Tacos don't want to sleep on your chest.
+%
+Ninety percent of everything is crap.
+		-- Theodore Sturgeon
+%
+No matter how clever the hardware boys
+are, the software boys piss it away.
+%
+No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent".
+		-- Greg Bear
+%
+Non Illegitemus Carborundum.
+	[Don't let the bastards wear you down.]
+%
+Not everyone has a one-track mind.
+		-- From a Bisexuality 101 talk
+%
+Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends.
+		-- Woody Allen
+%
+nothing, adj:
+	A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose.
+%
+Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient
+tribes of Judea ... but you and I know what a Jew is -- one who killed
+Our Lord ... A lot of people say to me "Why did you kill Christ?"  What
+can I say?  It was an accident.  It was one of those parties that got out
+of hand, you know...  We killed him because he didn't want to become
+a doctor, that's why we killed him.
+		-- Lenny Bruce
+%
+Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle
+Who said with a wink and a smile,
+	"Sure, please stick it in,
+	Be it thick be it thin,
+But if's rough I won't do as a file."
+%
+Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind-
+bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers
+have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence
+of God.  The argument follows:  "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God,
+"for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."  "But," says Man,
+"the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it?  It could not have evolved
+by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguements,
+you don't.  QED."  "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and
+promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
+		-- D. Adams
+%
+Now what would they do if I just sailed away?
+Who the hell really compelled me to leave today?
+Runnin' low on stories of what made it a ball,
+What would they do if I made no landfall?"
+		-- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall"
+%
+Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup [alt.sex.bondage], and
+occasionally has problems with folks harrassing her.  She came up
+with this in response to one...
+
+	Fortunately, my ego isn't as fragile as that woodpecker's wing.
+	When fratboy called me a dyke I told him that actually I was
+	bisexual, but that he shouldn't feel threatened because he didn't
+	meet either of my standards.  But if it makes you feel more
+	comfortable, I said, my husband tied me to the bedposts this
+	morning and screwed the daylights out of me.
+
+	"Just think," said
+
+	Nurse Jones,
+	 "... that was four
+	   hours ago and
+	    my sperm count
+	     is probably *still*
+	      higher than yours."
+%
+Nybble me...  Byte me...  Unsigned long int me...
+%
+Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.
+		-- Joseph Pulitzer
+%
+Obscene?  Obscene is young men being trained to drop fire on people, but
+their commanders not allowing them to write "fuck" on their airplanes
+because it's obscene.
+%
+Obscenity is a crutch for lazy Motherfuckers.
+%
+Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
+%
+Oden the bardling averred
+His muse was the bum of a bird,
+	And his Lesbian wife
+	Would finger his fife
+While Fisherwood waited as third.
+%
+Of course, I speak of nothing else but that classic of understated yet wildly
+exciting eroticism, "The Windflower," by Laura London.  Ms. London is the
+author of such other philosophical block-busters as "Bad Baron's Daughter,"
+"A Heart Too Proud," "Moonlight Mist," and most thigh-warming of all, "Gypsy
+Heiress".  Well, glasses-steaming scenes are to be found on every page, to
+an extent which overwhelms Your Humble Narrator, and so, in order to save
+himself extreme embarrassment, he brings you... the blurb:
+
+	"Every lady of breeding knows: no one has a good time on a pirate
+ship.  No one, that is, but the pirates.  Yet there she was, Merry Wilding
+-- kidnapped in error, taken from a ship bound from New York to England,
+spirited away in a barrel and swept aboard the infamous "Black Joke"...
+There she was, trembling with pleasure in the arms of her achingly handsome,
+sensationally sensual, golden-haired captor -- Devon."
+%
+Of course, most people eventually give up bowling for sex.
+The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.
+%
+Of his face she thought not very much,
+But then, at the very first touch,
+	Her attitude shifted --
+	He was terribly gifted
+At frigging and fucking and such.
+%
+Oh, baby, put two fingers here and one finger there and call me bitch.
+%
+Oh give me a home, where the bookmakers roam,
+Where the beer and the whiskey flows free,
+Where never is heard, a discouraging word,
+And the call-girls keep callin' for me!
+%
+Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog Rover,
+That got run over with my mower.
+One leg is missing, and one other is gone,
+The fourth one is scattered all over the lawn.
+It's no use explain'n, the one remaining,
+It landed by the kitchen door.
+Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog rover,
+that ain't gonna walk no more...
+		-- Tune is something about a four-leaf clover.
+%
+Oh John, let's not park here.
+Oh John, let's not park.
+Oh John, let's not.
+Oh John, let's.
+Oh John.
+Oh.
+%
+Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent!
+Her cunt is so dreadfully bent,
+	The poor wench doth stammer,
+	"I need a sledgehammer
+To pound a man into my vent."
+%
+Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
+He tried to make love to a puma.
+	Seems the puma, in play,
+	Tore his testes away -
+- An example of animal huma.
+%
+Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
+He tried to make love to a puma.
+	Seems the puma, in play,
+	Tore his testes away --
+An example of animal huma.
+%
+Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive.
+		-- Don Herold
+%
+OLD FELLA RED CLARET
+	Produce of Australia -- "The Big 69'er"
+
+An unusual "Rough-as-Guts" wine that has the Distinctive Bouquet of old
+and ill-cared for animals.  It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to
+prevent ingestion of the seeds and skins.  Connoisseurs will savour the
+slight Tannin Taste of burnt shag feathers and soiled medical dressings.
+Possessors of a cultivated Palate admire the initial assault on the taste
+buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of circus hosings
+with perished jock straps.  The maturing in Midland Abattoir hogsheads
+gives it a very Definite Nose.  With the bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.
+In the United States this wine is marketed as Crow Brand (9 out of 10 people
+who drink it for the first time exclaim "VRAAAARRRRRK").
+
+It won a Bronze at the "Kings Cross Homosexuals Convention" of 1973
+
+Warning: Avoid contact with eyes and open cuts.
+	 Keep away from open naked flames -- both old and new.
+%
+Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
+A merry old soul was he.
+He called for his pipe,
+And he called for his drums,
+And he fiddled with his call girls three.
+%
+Old King Cole
+Was a merry old soul,
+A merry old soul was he!
+He called for his pipe,
+And he called for his bowl,
+And he fiddled with his call girls three!
+%
+Old McDonald had a farm,
+E-I-E-I-O!
+And on this farm he had some chicks,
+E-I-E-I-O!
+With a chick-chick here,
+And a chick-chick there,
+Here a chick,
+There a chick,
+Everywhere a chick-chick,
+Old McDonald lost his farm
+'Cause he had too many chicks!
+%
+Old McDonald had a farm,
+E-I-E-I-O
+And on this farm he had some chicks,
+E-I-E-I-O
+With a chickie-poo here, and a chickie-poo there,
+Here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a whoop-ti-doo,
+Old McDonald lost his farm,
+'Cause he had too many chicks.
+%
+Old mercenaries never die.  They go to hell and regroup.
+%
+Old Mother Hubbard lived in a shoe,
+She had so many children,
+She didn't know what to do.
+So she moved to Atlanta.
+%
+Old Mother Hubbard,
+Went to the cubbard,
+To get her poor doggie a bone.
+
+But when she stooped over,
+Old Rover, he drove her.
+You see, he had a bone of his own.
+%
+Olmstead's Law:
+	After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
+%
+On a cannibal isle near Malaysia
+Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
+	Not russian elite-
+	She's eager to eat
+Whatever or whoever lays her.
+%
+On a ship wrecked far out at sea,
+The girl said, "I can't seem to pee."
+	"Aha!" said the mate,
+	"That settles the fate
+Of the captain, the pilot, and me."
+%
+On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl threw
+herself into the sea and drowned despite a young man's attempt to save her.
+The man dragged the half-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he
+went to notify the authorities.  Upon his return, he was horrified to find
+a man making love to the corpse.
+	"Monsieur, monsieur," he shouted, "that woman is dead,
+that woman is dead!"
+	"Sacre bleu," exclaimed the man, springing up.
+"I thought she was an American!"
+%
+On Brassieres:
+	Russian:	Uplifts the masses.
+	Salvation Army:	Raises the fallen.
+	American:	Makes mountains out of molehills.
+%
+On day a Monterey daughter
+Did scuba down under the water.
+	She later turned up
+	The mom of a pup,
+And they say t'was a otter that gotter.
+%
+On one hot dusty day in 1860, a lone Mexican bandit crossed the border into
+Texas.  After robbing a small bank and shooting up the town, he led the posse
+on a merry chase through the desert.  On the sixth day of the chase he was
+apprehended.
+	Sheriff-to-interpreter:	"Ask him where the money is."
+	Interpreter-to-bandit:	"He wants to know where you hid the money."
+	Bandit-to-interpreter:	"I'll never tell, never!"
+	Interpreter-to-sheriff:	"He says he'll never tell, senor."
+At this point, the sheriff loses his cool.  His town has been shot up, his
+bank robbed, he's spent a week in the desert tracking this guy, and now he
+says he'll never tell.  So he takes his pistol, jams it under the bandits'
+chin, and, with the veins standing out on his neck, screams "Tell him to tell
+me where the money is, or I'm gonna blow his brains all over the desert!"
+	Interpreter-to-bandit:	"He says if you don't tell him where the
+		money is right now, he will kill you here."
+	Bandit-to-interpreter:	"Do not kill me, senor, the money is hidden
+		under the big tree at the pass!"
+	Interpreter-to-sheriff:	"He says you ain't got the balls..."
+%
+On the breast of a lady named Gail,
+Was tattooed the price of her tail.
+	And on her behind,
+	For the sake of the blind,
+Was the same information -- in Braille.
+%
+On the breasts of a harlot from Yale
+Was tatooed the price of her tail
+	And on her behind,
+	For the sake of the blind,
+Was the same information in Braille.
+%
+On the porch of a dude named Horatio,
+His girl got a yen for fellatio.
+	As she sucked on his dingus
+	He tried cunnilingus
+But the cops ran 'em off of that patio.
+%
+Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel.  Ina morning I go down to
+eat breakfast.  I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast.  She bringa me
+only one piss.  I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate.  She says you
+better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch.  I don't even know the lady
+and she call me sonna bitch.  Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant.  
+The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock.  I tell her I wanna 
+fock.  She tells me everone wanna fock.  I tell her "you no understand", I 
+wanna fock on the table.  She say you better not fock on the table, you 
+sonna bitch.  So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona 
+my bed.  I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit.  He tella me to go
+to the toilet.  I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed.  He say 
+you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch.  I go to check out and the man 
+at the desk say "peace to you".  I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch.  I 
+gonna back to Italy.
+%
+Once a woman has given you her heart you
+can never get rid of the rest of her.
+		-- Vanbrugh
+%
+Once a young gay from Khartoum,
+Took a lesbian up to his room.
+	They argued all night
+	Over who had the right
+To do what, and with which, and to whom.
+%
+Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD.  I fought like hell
+for them.  But another group came along and exposed the word of my group
+as shallow and degenerate.  They had a better word.  So I quit the first
+group and lost all the friends I had made and I joined up with this new
+group.  I fought like hell for them.  But another group came around.  They
+exposed the word of my group as false and materialistic.  Their word was
+very much better.  So I quit the second group and lost all the friends I
+had made.  And I joined up with this new group.  I fought like hell for them.
+Till this one guy came along and proved that there wasn't any word at all.
+That I should go off as an individual and grow!  So I quit the last group
+and lost all the friends I had made.  And now I sit home alone all day and
+all I do is grow.  It would be nice to join up with some others who feel
+the way I do.
+		-- J. Feiffer
+%
+Once upon a girl there was a time...
+%
+Once upon a time there was a farmer who had borrowed a bull to service his
+two cows.  He put all three animals on a meadow and sent little Johnny to
+observe and report any success.  A short time later, little Johnny came
+running towards the house shouting: "Daddy, Daddy, the bull just fucked the
+white cow!"
+	The father took little Johnny aside and said: "Look, kid, it's
+alright if you use that kind of language around me, but the reverend is
+going to be visiting soon.  So next time, please use another word; just
+say that the bull "surprised" the cow."
+	Johnny agreed and went back to observe any progress.  A little
+while later, while the preacher was talking to the farmer, little Johnny
+came a-running again, shouting: "Daddy, Daddy!"
+	The father, trying to avoid embarrassing the preacher, said: "I
+know, the bull surprised the brown cow."
+	Little Johnny replied: "He sure did, he fucked the white one again!"
+%
+Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and
+made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company.  The farmer
+wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster.
+"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best.  He's virile and energetic 
+and will take care of all your chickens!"  The farmer, delighted at this, 
+bought the rooster and returned to his farm.  He set the rooster loose among 
+his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work. 
+It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and 
+began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm.  "If you keep up this 
+rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!"  The rooster, 
+however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed.  The next 
+morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in 
+the sky circling over something.  He headed out behind the barn, and sure 
+enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed.  The farmer 
+shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it!  I told 
+you so!  I knew you'd screw yourself to death!"  The rooster turned his head 
+toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked.  "Shhh!" he said, pointing to 
+the birds above.  "I think they're coming down."
+%
+Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood.  One
+fine morning she decided to visit her Grandmother, so she put a freshly baked
+cake and a .357 magnum into her basket and set off through the forest.  When
+she got there, what should she find but a big black wolf in the bed, who
+jumped up, grabbed her and snarled, "I'm going to fuck you until the sun goes
+down."
+	So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no,
+you're not!  You're going to eat me just like the story says!"
+%
+Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
+fly south for the winter.  However, soon after the weather turned cold,
+the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
+After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
+earth in a barnyard almost frozen.  A cow passed by and crapped on this
+little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
+warmed him and defrosted his wings.  Warm and happy the little sparrow
+began to sing.  Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
+chirping investigated the sounds.  As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
+he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
+There are three morals to this story:
+1)	Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
+2)	Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
+3)	If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
+%
+Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley.  He'd do pushups and
+somersaults and limber up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around
+on their fat asses not doing a thing.  One day, one of them became curious
+enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day.  Stanley said,
+	"Look, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right
+time comes, I am going to be that one."
+A few days later, the all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they
+knew that it was getting to be their time to go.  They were released abruptly
+and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others.
+All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with
+all his might.
+	"Go back! Go back!" he screamed.  "It's a blow job!"
+%
+Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed,
+and a little, tiny coed.  One night they came home from a dance, and the big
+coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!"
+	The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been 
+sleeping in my bed!"
+	And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!"
+%
+Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
+us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of the
+smaller prime numbers.
+
+2:  The Odd Prime --
+	It's the only even prime, therefore is odd.  QED.
+3:  The True Prime --
+	Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true."
+31: The Arbitrary Prime --
+	Determined by unanimous unvote.  We needed an arbitrary prime in
+	case the prof asked for one, and so had an election.  91 received
+	the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the next most.
+	However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none at all.
+41: The Female Prime --
+	The polynomial X**2 - X + 41 is
+	prime for integer values from 1 to 40.
+43: The Male Prime - they form a prime pair.
+
+Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities
+are derived from those primes.  So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd
+but true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
+%
+Once was a hooker named Gail,
+Busted and sent-off to jail,
+	She liked the jailer,
+	He wanted to nail her,
+So Gail made bail with her tail.
+%
+Once you come out as a Pagan bisexual married leatherdyke,
+the rest of life is that much easier.
+%
+Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
+%
+One by one the vice-presidents of a large corporation were called into the
+boss's office.  Then the junior executives were individually summoned.
+Finally the office boy was brought in.
+	"I want the truth, Charles," the boss bellowed.  "Have you been
+playing around with my secretary?"
+	"N-no, sir," the office boy stammered.  "I-I'd never do anything
+like that, sir."
+	"All right, all right," sighed the boss, "then you fire her."
+%
+One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country.  He hopped
+into his sportscar, wandered along the highway for a while and then exited
+to some very rural dirt roads in the middle of farm country.  After awhile,
+he came across a farmer who clearly working his fields.  The funny thing was,
+the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants.  The man got out of his car
+and approached the farmer.
+	"Hey, buddy," he asked, "how come you're not wearing any clothes?"
+	Replied the farmer, "Well, boy, th' other day I was out a-workin'
+in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt.  Got back to th' house
+that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board.  This here's
+mah wife's idea."
+%
+One day a little polar bear cub says to his mother, "Mommy, am I really
+a polar bear?"
+	"Why of course you are, honey!" his mother replies.  "You live at
+the North Pole and you swim under the ice to catch fish.  You play on the
+ice floes and you romp through the snow and chase seals.  Of *course* you're
+a polar bear.  Why do you ask?"
+	"Because," says the little cub, "I'm fuckin' freezing!"
+%
+One day a mouse was driving along the road in his Mercedes when he heard an
+anguished roaring noise coming from the side of the road.  Stopping the car,
+he got out and discovered a lion stuck in a deep ditch and roaring for help.
+Reassuring the lion, the mouse tied a rope around the axle of the Mercedes,
+threw the other end down to the lion, and pulled the beast out of the ditch.
+The lion thanked the mouse profusely and they went their separate ways.
+	Two months later the lion was out for a stroll in the country when
+he heard a panicked squeaking coming from the side of the road.  Investigating
+the noise, what should he come across but the mouse stuck in the same hole.
+"Oh, please help me, Mr. Lion," squeaked the terrified mouse.  "I saved you
+with my car once, remember?"
+	"Course I'll help you, little fellow," roared the lion.  "I'll just
+lower my dick down to you, you hold on to it, and we'll have you out of there
+in a jiffy."  Sure enough, a few minutes later the mouse was high and dry on
+the roadside, trying to convey his eternal gratitude to the lion.
+	"Don't give it another thought," said the lion kindly.  "It just goes
+to show that if you've got a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes."
+%
+One day Adam, while wandering around the Garden of Eden, noticed that all
+the animals seemed to come in pairs, male and female.  He also noted that
+they seemed to enjoy being together a lot.  So, he went to his special
+place an reported to God what he'd noticed.
+	God, understanding his need, said, "Adam, the time has come for me
+to provide you with a mate.  Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I
+will create your mate."
+	So Adam wandered off, found a nice patch of soft grass and fell
+asleep.  Some time later he awoke, possibly due to a bit of pain in his
+ribs, possibly because of the gorgeous woman leaning over him.  Remembering
+the animals he'd seen having such fun, he immediately reached for her.
+Pretty soon Adam's back at his special place.
+	"God?"
+	"Yes, Adam, what now?"
+	"God, what's a headache?"
+%
+One day Father O'Malley was walking through the park when he came upon an
+enchanting scene.  A beautiful little girl with long blond hair, deep blue
+eyes, and a dainty white dress was reading under a tree with her adorable
+little dog.
+	What a lovely picture, thought the Father to himself.  Walking over,
+he asked, "Child, what is your name?"
+	"Blossom," she replied.
+	"What a fitting name," exclaimed Father O'Malley.  "And how did your
+parents come to choose such a pretty name?"
+	"Well, one day when I was still in my mommy's tummy she was lying
+under this very tree when a blossom fell and landed on her stomach.  She
+thought it was a message from God and decided that I would be a girl and my
+name would be Blossom," explained the little girl sweetly.
+	How charming, thought the priest.  He started to say good-bye and
+walk away, then turned back.  "And the name of your little dog?" he
+inquired.
+	"Porky," was the child's reply.
+	Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen.
+	"Because he likes to fuck pigs."
+%
+"One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most
+gorgeous blond chinese girl... I sat beside her... I said 'Hi,' and she
+said 'Hi,' and then I said 'Nice day, isn't it,' and she said 'Yeah, I
+guess'... I said 'What do you mean "you guess"?'... she said 'I saw my
+analyst today and he says I have a problem.'... so I asked 'What's the
+problem?'... she replied 'I can't tell you, I don't even know you.'...
+I said 'Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect
+stranger on a bus.'  So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac
+and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane.'  I said,
+'Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein.'"
+		-- Stephen Wright
+%
+One day, in a bar, a young man walks in with a little dwarf about one foot
+tall on his shoulder and orders a beer.  The bartender serves the man a beer;
+to his astonishment, the little guy walks down the man's arm, takes a swallow
+of the brew and spits it in his face.  After a few minutes the customer
+orders another beer and the exact same thing happens.  Well, by this time,
+the bartender is getting pretty upset; he figures that the man should take
+care of the dwarf.  So he asks the guy, "Why are you letting that guy drink
+all your beer and spit it in my face?"
+	"Well, sir, when I was on a contract in Saudi Arabia I met this genie
+and he granted me three wishes.  I asked for a million dollars, the most
+beautiful woman in the world, and a twelve-inch prick.
+%
+One day on a busy street corner a huge, burly looking man walked up to a police
+officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee-thid, and
+thacramento ith?"
+	The police officer didn't reply at all, but just looked away.
+	The large man then asked again, but still no reply.  After a few more
+attempts which the police officer studiously ignored, the frustrated man
+walked away.  An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked,
+"Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty-third and Sacramento was?"  The police officer replied,
+	"Thure, thure, and dit the thit ticked out of me!"
+%
+One evening a guru had coitus
+With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
+	When asked what position
+	He used for coition,
+He answered serenely, "the loetus."
+%
+One evening a guru had coitus
+With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
+	When asked what position
+	He used for coition,
+He answered serenely, "the lotus."
+%
+One fall day, two men were out in the woods hunting.  Feeling a sudden need
+to relieve himself, George went over to a nearby clump of bushes, unzipped
+his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the bushes and
+bit him on his penis.  Hearing George's howl of pain and fright, his friend
+Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he used the radio to
+call a doctor.
+	"There's only one way to save your friend's life," said the doctor
+gravely.  "If you cut a shallow 'X' over the bite and then suck as much of
+the poison out as you can, he'll probably be okay, but otherwise there's not
+much hope."
+	Hearing Fred's footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and
+cried out, "Fred, what'd he say?  What did the doctor say?"
+	"George, old friend," said Fred sadly, "he said you're gonna die."
+%
+One hundred and one uses for canned peaches.
+One hundred and two if you plan to eat them.
+%
+One man's nightmare is another man's wet dream.
+%
+One morning after an evening of particularly heavy drinking, a man awoke
+and upon rolling over in bed saw one of the ugliest women he had ever
+seen.  As he was about to get out of bed, he looked on the floor and saw
+another woman even less appealing than the first.  Seeing his look of
+wide-eyed amazement, the woman on the floor snapped,  "Don't look at me
+like that, I was only the bridesmaid."
+%
+One night a girl had an affair
+With a fellow all covered with hair.
+	His enormous red whang
+	Gave her a wonderful bang --
+She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear.
+%
+One night a girl had an affair
+With a fellow all covered with hair.
+	Then she picked up his hat
+	And realized that
+She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
+%
+One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity
+to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka.
+	"The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing,
+put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried back.  "Look,
+Mama! Isn't it gorgeous?"
+	"Mama asked, 'What's the matter?  You don't like the other one?'"
+		-- Leo Rosten, "Hooray For Yiddish"
+%
+One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives
+accompanying their husbands on business trips.  Anticipating some valuable
+testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to
+all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they
+enjoyed their trip.  Responses are still pouring in asking,
+	"What trip?"
+%
+One of the first things schoolchildren in Texas learn is how to
+compose a simple declarative sentence without the word "shit" in it.
+%
+One of the most expensive things in life
+is a girl who is free for the evening.
+%
+One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God create
+goyim?"  The generally accepted answer is "somebody has to buy retail."
+		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in.
+He was good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the
+following Sunday.
+	"9:30 okay?"
+	"Fine," George said, "but I may be a few minutes late."
+The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that, he played
+left-handed and beat them.  They agreed to meet the following Sunday morning.
+George was eager to come, but again, mentioned that he might be a few minutes
+late.  The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he
+played right-handed and beat them again.
+	"You on for next Sunday, George?" one of the foursome asked.
+	"Sure," George replied, "but I might be a few..."
+	Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute... You always say you might
+be late, but you're always right on time, and you always win, left-handed
+*or* right-handed."
+	"Well," George replied, rather sheepishly, "that's true, but see, I'm
+superstitious.  If my wife is sleeping on her right, when I wake up, I play
+right handed.  If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left handed."
+	"What if she's lying on her back?"
+	George said, "That's when I'm late."
+%
+One should be cherry of virgins.
+%
+One, two, three, four
+What are we fighting for?
+Don't ask me I don't give a damn.
+Next stop is Vietnam.
+Five, six, seven, eight
+Open up the pearly gates.
+Ain't no time to wonder why
+Whoopie!  We're all going to die.
+		-- Country Joe and the Fish
+%
+One who does not know a burro from a burrow does not know
+his ass from a hole in the ground!
+%
+Ooooooh, nooooooo, not tonite!!
+%
+Ooops.  Gotta run.  My dog wants sex.  Later.
+%
+Operators mount anything!
+%
+Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one,
+but nobody wants to look at the other guy's.
+		-- Hal Hickman
+%
+OPTIMIST:
+	A man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date.
+%
+ORAL CONTRACEPTIVE:
+	The word "No".
+%
+oral sex, n:
+	The taste of things to come.
+%
+O'Riordan's Theorem:
+	Brains x Beauty = Constant.
+
+Purmal's Corollary:
+	As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
+	availability goes to zero.
+%
+Other people don't give you orgasms; you have them, and they help you
+cash them in.
+%
+Ouch mosquito, silent by night,
+Why pierce my skin, so white?
+You grow plump, as a leech.
+Stop!  I beseech (in vein).
+
+I have no choice.
+Why waste my voice,
+When only a slap will do?
+Ouch, I am bitten!
+What ho, you are smitten!
+Yo mosquito, fuck you.
+		-- Mitchell Peck, "Ouch, Mosquito"
+%
+Our readers ask, "Why don't more WASPs go to orgies?"  Well, it's really
+quite simple.  They don't want to have to write all those thank-you notes.
+%
+Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the
+maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out
+in case of emergency.  As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty
+good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know
+for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging
+over from, say, right field, to deal with it.  She's been on the team for
+three seasons now, but the males still don't trust her.  They know, deep in
+their souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
+an infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without
+ever considering whether there were men on base.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
+%
+Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr,
+Has invented a new kind of car.
+	With a tank full of shit
+	There's no stopping it --
+For short trips, two poots take you far.
+%
+Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum
+possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in case
+of emergency.  As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty good
+baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know for
+sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging over
+from, say, right field, to deal with it.  She's been on the team for three
+seasons now, but the males still don't trust her.  They know, deep in their
+souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
+infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without
+ever considering whether there were men on base.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
+%
+Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum
+possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in
+case of emergency.  As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a
+pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no
+way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male
+comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal with it.  She's been
+on the team for three seasons now, but the males still don't trust
+her.  They know, deep in their souls, that if she had to choose between
+catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she probably would
+elect to save the infant's life, without ever considering whether there
+were men on base.
+		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
+%
+Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
+In all of the directions it can whiz;
+As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
+Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
+So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
+How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
+And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
+'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
+		-- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life"
+%
+Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,
+	"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and load your camels,
+and I will lead you to the promised land."
+	Not too long ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on
+your asses, light a Camel, this is the promised land."
+	Now Nixon is stealing your shovels, kicking your asses, raising
+the price of Camels, and mortgaging the promised land.
+%
+Painters do it with even strokes.
+%
+Pardon me, sir, but you've obviously
+mistaken me for someone who gives a shit.
+%
+Passion is that funny feeling that drives a man to
+bite a woman's neck because she has beautiful legs.
+%
+Paying alimony is like pumping gas into another man's car.
+%
+Pee-wee Recommends:
+
+When Pee-wee Herman was arrested that evening in Sarasota, Florida,
+the bill at the XXX South Trail Cinema featured:
+
+	+ Nurse Nancy, starring Sandra Scream
+	+ Turn Up the Heat, starring Savannah
+	+ Tiger Shark, starring Raven
+%
+penis envy, n:
+	The desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long.
+%
+People humiliating a salami!
+%
+People who live in glass houses should ball in the basement.
+%
+People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it.
+		-- Peter Sellers
+%
+Perhaps at fourteen every boy should be in love with some ideal woman to put
+on a pedestal and worship.  As he grows up, of course, he will put her on
+a pedestal the better to view her legs.
+		-- Barry Norman, in "The Listener"
+%
+Perplexed, a shy virgin named Plummer
+Asked, "what's there to do in the summer?"
+	She declined and declined
+	Till approached from behind...
+When her summer turned out quite a bummer!
+%
+Persistence, like perspiration, is 99 percent of the fine art of love.
+%
+philadelphia flying fuck, n:
+	Okay, see, he hangs from a chin-up bar with his feet on the arms
+	of the rocking chair.  She crouches in the rocking chair pleasuring
+	him orally.
+
+	[Note: Personally, we've never tried this.  If you have, or if
+	you do, please inform us of the results at Fortune, Box 1597,
+	Rockville IL.  Thank you.  Ed.]
+%
+Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.
+		-- Karl Marx
+%
+Physicists do it with charm.
+%
+Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when
+he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long'll he'll stay.
+%
+pile driver, n:
+	Local drink; two parts vodka, one part prune juice.
+%
+Planned Parenthood:
+	The emission Control Center.
+%
+Playing poker with busty Ms. Ware,
+He announced as he folded with flair,
+	"I had four of a kind,
+	But those aces combined,
+Don't stack up, I'm afraid, with your pair."
+%
+PLUNDERER'S THEME
+	(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
+
+Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
+If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
+Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
+Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
+%
+pocket pool, n:
+	Well, for guys, it's two-ball in the side pocket.
+	For women, it's playing the slots.
+%
+polish fly, n:
+	You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling.
+%
+Politicians do it to everyone.
+%
+Pompoir:  The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all.  
+
+'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with
+a finger, opening and shutting at her pleasure, and finally acting as the
+hand of the Gopala-girl who milks the cow.  This can be learned only by long
+practice, and especially by throwing the will into the part affected, even
+as men endeavor to sharpen their hearing...  Her husband will then value her
+above all other women, nor would he exchange her for the most beautiful
+queen in the Three Worlds...  Among some races the constrictor vaginae muscles
+are abnormally developed.  In Abyssinia for instance, a woman can so exert
+them as to cause pain to a man, and when sitting on his thighs, she can
+induce orgasm without moving any other part of her person.  Such an artist
+is called by the Arabs Kabbazah, literally, a holder, and it's not surprising
+that slave dealers pay large sums for her'  Thus Richard Burton.  It has
+nothing to do with 'race' but a lot to do with practice.  See exercises.
+		-- The Joy of Sex
+%
+Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis
+Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus.
+	At her first sight of one
+	She started to run,
+And last was seen sprinting through Dallas.
+%
+Posterity will ne'er survey
+A nobler grave than this;
+Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
+Stop, traveler, and piss.
+		-- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
+%
+Postulate #1:	Nothing is better than sex.
+Postulate #2:	Masturbation is better than nothing.
+Conclusion:	Masturbation is better than sex.
+%
+Pour guerir un acces de fievre
+Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre;
+	Il le prit a son trou,
+	Et fit faire un ragout
+Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+Pouring out his troubles to his best friend over a couple of triple martinis,
+Brad had to confess that things weren't going too well at home.  "My wife and
+I just don't hit it off at night," he was saying to Bart.  "I hate to admit
+it, but I'm afraid I just don't know how to make her happy."
+	"Hell, boy," said Bart, "there's really nothing to it.  Let me
+give you some advice.  At bedtime, switch on a new Sinatra platter, turn
+all the lights low and spray some perfume around the room.  Next, tell
+your wife to get into her sheerest nightie; then make sure you raise the
+bottom window."
+	"Then what do I do?" asked Brad.
+	"Just whistle."
+	"Whistle?"
+	"That's right.  I'll be waiting outside the window.  When I hear
+you whistle, I'll come right up and finish the job."
+%
+Pregnancy -- the worst sexually transmitted disease of them all.
+%
+Pregnancy begins with a single sell.
+%
+premature ejaculation, n:
+	A spoilspurt.
+%
+premature ejaculator, n:
+	Troubled shooter.
+%
+Premenstrual Syndrome:
+	Just before their periods women behave the way men do all the time.
+%
+Prince Absalom lay with his sister
+And bundled and nibbled and kissed her,
+	But the kid was so tight,
+	And it was deep night --
+Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
+%
+Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.
+%
+Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame cermony, [Cash] went to
+the bathroom.  "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked
+in...  He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a
+picture of this.'  I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'"
+		-- Rolling Stone interview with Johnny Cash.
+%
+Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
+%
+Programmers do it bit by bit.
+%
+Programmers do it until it goes down.
+%
+Programmers get overlaid.
+%
+PROMOTION:
+	New title, new salary, new office, same old crap.
+%
+Prope mare erat tubulator
+Qui virginem ingrediebatur.
+	Dessine ingressus
+	Audivi progressus:
+Est mihi inquit tubulator.
+%
+Prostitution is the only business where you
+can go into the hole and still come out ahead.
+%
+Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.
+Check three friends.  If they're okay, you're it.
+%
+Psychiatry is quite similar to prostitution, only less honest.  They
+both promise to make people feel better, but the prostitute doesn't
+make pretensions that the feelings will last once the client walks
+out the door.
+%
+pubic hair, n:
+	Organic dental floss.
+%
+Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine, 
+And frollicked in the Autumn mist,
+And drank Manishiewitz wine.
+Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff,
+And brought him soup and Matzah balls,
+And other kosher stuff.
+
+Then one day it happened, Puff was eating pork.
+Little Rabbi Jacob took that dragon for a walk.
+Gently he explained that dragons don't eat meat,
+That come from little piggies who have dirty filthy feet.
+%
+Q:	Do you know how to tell a Polack at a cockfight?
+A:	He's the only one with a duck.
+
+Q:	Do you know how to tell an Aggie at a cockfight?
+A:	He's the only one who bets on the duck.
+
+Q:	And do you know how to tell the Mafia is at the cockfight?
+A:	The duck wins!
+%
+Q:	Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?
+A:	No, but I bet it hurts like hell.
+%
+Q:	Heard about the <ethnic> who couldn't spell?
+A:	He spent the night in a warehouse.
+%
+Q:	How can a real man tell when his girl friend's having an orgasm.
+A:	Real men don't care.
+%
+Q:	How can you tell if a woman is ticklish?
+A:	Give her a couple of test tickles.
+%
+Q:	How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding?
+A:	She's the one kissing the golden retriever.
+%
+Q:	How can you tell when a Polish girl's been sucking cock?
+A:	She has a mouthful of feathers.
+%
+Q:	How can you tell when a WASP is sexually aroused?
+A:	By the stiff upper lip.
+%
+Q:	How can you tell when your girlfriend has had an orgasm?
+A:	Who cares?
+%
+Q:	How did Hellen Keller burn the side of her face?
+A:	She answered the iron.
+
+Q:	How did she burn the other side of her face?
+A:	They called back.
+%
+Q:	How do you fit 1000 dead babies into a phone booth?
+A:	Cusinart.
+
+Q:	How do you get them back out?
+A:	Doritos.
+%
+Q:	How do you get a woman to stop having sex with you?
+A:	Propose.
+%
+Q:	How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?
+A:	Paint his balls red and his toenails green.
+
+Q:	Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
+A:	No -- so it must work pretty well!
+
+Q:	How did Tarzan die?
+A:	Picking cherries!!!
+%
+Q:	How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes?
+A:	Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
+%
+Q:	How do you know your elephant had her period?
+A:	There's a nickel on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
+%
+Q:	How do you make a dead baby float?
+A:	With 2 scoops of dead baby and some rootbeer.
+%
+Q:	How do you pick up a quarter off of Polk Street?
+A:	Kick it over to Van Ness.
+%
+Q:	How do you play Religious Roulette?
+A:	You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
+	by lightning first.
+%
+Q:	How do you tell if two elephants have been making love in
+	your backyard?
+A:	Your Hefty trashcan liners are missing.
+%
+Q:	How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
+	or an airline stewardess?
+A:	A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."
+	A schoolteacher says: "We're just going to have to do this over
+	and over again until we get it right."
+	An airline stewardess says: "Just place this over your mouth and
+	nose and breathe normally."
+
+... and bank tellers say "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."
+... and saleswomen say "Thank you, come again soon!"
+... and WASP's say "Do you have that in a bigger size?"
+... and piano teachers say "Keep those fingers arched! TEMPO! TEMPO!"
+%
+Q:	How do you tell that your roommate's gay?
+A:	When his cock tastes like shit.
+%
+Q:	How does a girl know she's sleeping with a Computer Scientist?
+A:	It isn't hard.
+%
+Q:	How does a mink get babies?
+A:	The same way babies get minks.
+%
+Q:	How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?
+
+A:	Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of
+	speech, but under the United States constitution they are
+	guaranteed freedom after speech.
+
+		-- being told in Poland, 1987
+%
+Q:	How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
+A:	Three, one to eat it, and two to watch for traffic.
+%
+Q:	How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
+A:	Three, but they're really only one.
+%
+Q:	How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A:	NONE!  AND THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!
+
+Q:	How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb?
+A:	It's "Women"...  AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!!
+%
+Q:	How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students
+	does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A:	"I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my
+	advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he
+	can tell me how to do the shit work for him so he can take the
+	credit for answering this incredibly vital question."
+%
+Q:	How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light
+	bulb, in San Fransisco?
+A:	Both of them.
+%
+Q:	How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A:	Ten.  One to do it, and nine to talk about how gratifying it was
+	without a man.
+%
+Q:	If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess,
+	what would Cheetah have been?
+A:	A fur coat.
+%
+Q:	What can you use used tampons for?
+A:	Tea bags for vampires.
+%
+Q:	What did Jesus tell the Aggies?
+A:	Play dumb until the second coming.
+%
+Q:	What did the little ghetto-dweller get for Christmas?
+A:	Your bicycle.
+%
+Q:	What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common?
+A:	They both like a tight seal.
+%
+Q:	What do elephants use instead of tampons?
+A:	Sheep.  Well, they used to, anyway.  There have been so many cases
+	of Toxic Flock Syndrome recently that their ewes has been discouraged.
+
+Q:	Why do elephants have trunks?
+A:	Sheep don't have strings.
+%
+Q:	What do two WASPs say after making love?
+A:	Thank you very much.  It'll never happen again.
+%
+Q:	What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadraplegic Virginian?
+A:	Trustworthy.
+%
+Q:	What do you call a nun who has had a sex change operation?
+A:	A transistor.
+%
+Q:	What do you call a truck load of vibrators?
+A:	Toys for twats.
+%
+Q:	What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 50 feet
+	of garden hose?
+A:	Darling.
+		[Often?  Ed.]
+%
+Q:	What do you call couples that use that rhythm method?
+A:	Parents.
+%
+Q:	What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?
+A:	Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!!
+%
+Q:	What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
+A:	Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
+%
+Q:	What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
+A:	A woman that, when she goes down on you, gets blood.
+%
+Q:	What do you get when you cross a computer and a JAP?
+A:	A computer that won't go down.
+%
+Q:	What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a prostitute?
+A:	Your last blowjob.
+%
+Q:	What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
+A:	A thirty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone!
+%
+Q:	What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
+A:	Well, most of the time you get an onion with big ears, but every
+	once in a while you get a piece of ass that will bring tears to
+	your eyes...
+%
+Q:	What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a
+	moth ball in the other hand?
+A:	One hell of a big moth!
+%
+Q:	What do you say to a New Yorker with a job?
+A:	Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please!
+%
+Q:	What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit?
+A:	Will the defendant please rise?
+%
+Q:	What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean?
+A:	It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the
+	Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukranians take
+	the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews.
+%
+Q:	What goes
+		Click.  "Did I get it?"
+		Click.  "Did I get it?"
+		Click.  "Did I get it?"
+		Click.  "Did I get it?"
+A:	Stevie Wonder doing the Rubik's Cube.
+%
+Q:	What goes green, red, green, red, pink, pink, pink?
+A:	A frog in a blender.
+
+Q:	What do you get if you add 2 eggs to it??
+A:	Frognogg.  If you drink it, you croak.
+%
+Q:	What goes red, white, red, white, pink, pink, pink?
+A:	Baby in a blender.
+
+Q:	Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
+A:	So you can watch the expression on its little face.
+%
+Q:	What is green and comes in Brownies?
+A:	Boy Scouts.
+%
+Q:	What is Smoorplay?
+A:	What Smurfs do before they smuck!
+%
+Q:	What is the difference between snow-men and snow-women?
+A:	Snowballs!
+%
+Q:	What's a JAP's (Jewish American Princess) dream house?
+A:	Fourteen rooms in Scarsdale, no kitchen, no bedroom.
+%
+Q:	What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness?
+A:	Dating a Canadian.
+%
+Q:	What's black and white and red all over and can't go through
+	revolving doors?
+A:	A nun with a javelin through her head.
+%
+Q:	What's black and white and red all over?
+A:	Half a nun.
+%
+Q:	What's buried in Grant's tomb?
+A:	A corpse.
+%
+Q:	What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?
+A:	Chewing gum.
+%
+Q:	What's invisible and smells like carrots?
+A:	Bunny farts.
+%
+Q:	What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?
+A:	The guy that gave it to him.
+%
+Q:	What's more fearsome than a grizzly bear with AIDS?
+A:	The guy he got it from.
+%
+Q:	What's red and covered with little dents?
+A:	Snow White's cherry.
+%
+Q:	What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
+A:	Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
+
+Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
+	are removable!
+
+Q:	An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
+	very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
+A:	Yes, up to isomorphism!
+
+Q:	What is a compact city?
+A:	It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
+	policemen!
+		-- Peter Lax
+%
+Q:	What's the difference between a cocker spaniel and a doberman
+	pinscher humping your leg?
+A:	You let the doberman finish.
+%
+Q:	What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
+A:	About four drinks.
+%
+Q:	What's the difference between a Fairy Tale, and a War Story?
+A:	Nothing, except Fairy Tales start off with "Once upon a time".
+	War Stories start off with "No shit, this really happened".
+
+	[I thought Fairy Tales started off, "Honey, I'm gonna be at the
+	office a little late, tonight...  Ed.]
+%
+Q:	What's the difference between a JAP and a baby elephant?
+A:	About 10 pounds.
+
+Q:	How do you make them the same?
+A:	Force feed the elephant.
+%
+Q:	What's the difference between a man and a toilet?
+A:	A toilet doesn't follow you around for a week after you flush it.
+%
+Q:	What's the difference between a man and the weekend?
+A:	The weekend never comes too soon.
+%
+Q:	What's the difference between a sorority girl and a fast car?
+A:	Not everyone's been in a fast car.
+%
+Q:	What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
+A:	Erotic is when you use a feather.  Kinky is when you use
+	the whole bird...
+%
+Q:	What's the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon
+	and Ronald Reagan?
+A:	One always told the truth, one always lied, and one can't tell the
+	difference.
+%
+Q:	What's the difference between hard and dark?
+A:	It stays dark all night.
+%
+Q:	What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
+A:	In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd
+	like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
+	"and some cigarettes."
+%
+Q:	What's the last thing that goes through a grasshopper's mind when
+	he hits your windshield?
+A:	His ass.
+
+Q.	What's the second-to-last thing to go through a grasshopper's
+	mind when he hits your windshield?
+A.	Oh, SHIT!!
+%
+Q:	What's white and crawls up your leg?
+A:	Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice.
+%
+Q:	What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
+A:	Getting fingered by Captain Hook!
+%
+Q:	Where does Catwoman go for a good time?
+A:	To the batpoles, Robin!
+%
+Q:	Where does virgin wool come from?
+A:	Ugly sheep.
+%
+Q:	Why are babies born with soft spots on their heads?
+A:	So you can pick 'em up five at a time.
+%
+Q:	Why are Unix emulators like your right hand?
+A:	They're just pussy substitutes!
+%
+Q:	Why can't Hellen Keller have children?
+A:	Because she's dead.
+%
+Q:	Why did Captain Kirk piss on the bridge?
+A:	He wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before!
+%
+Q:	Why did God invent booze?
+A:	So ugly men could get laid too.
+%
+Q:	Why did Hellen Keller go all the way on her first date?
+A:	She'd never been taught to say no.
+%
+Q:	Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
+A:	To impress Jodie Foster.
+%
+Q:	Why did Ted Kennedy report the accident 8 hours after Mary
+		Jo Kopechne drowned?
+A:	Do you have any idea how hard it is to dress a woman underwater?
+%
+Q:	Why do dogs lick their private parts?
+A:	Because they can.
+%
+Q:	Why do ducks have webbed feet?
+A:	To stamp out forest firest.
+
+Q:	Why do elephants have big flat feet?
+A:	To stamp out flaming ducks.
+%
+Q:	Why do men die before their wives?
+A:	They want to.
+%
+Q:	Why do men marry women?
+A:	You can't teach sheep to do housework.
+%
+Q:	Why do mice have such small balls?
+A:	Very few of them know how to dance!
+%
+Q:	Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
+A:	Because a sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from fifty feet away.
+		-- Iain MacKintosh, Glasgow folksinger
+%
+Q:	Why do WASP's play golf ?
+A:	So they can dress like pimps.
+%
+Q:	Why do women have vaginas?
+A:	So when they're drunk, you can carry them like a six-pack.
+%
+Q:	Why do women love Pacman?
+A:	Only place you can get eaten three times for a quarter.
+%
+Q:	Why does an elephant have 4 feet?
+A:	Because 8 inches isn't enough.
+%
+Q:	Why don't blind people skydive?
+A:	It scares the dogs!
+
+Q:	How can a blind skydiver tell when he is near the ground?
+A:	The leash goes slack.
+%
+Q:	Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games?
+A:	Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA.
+%
+Q:	Why is Poland just like the United States?
+
+A:	In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
+	Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever
+	you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
+
+		-- being told in Poland, 1987
+%
+Q:	Why is Sister Pat the way she is?
+A:	Because when she was 16, a group of boys tied her up and
+	gang-rejected her.
+%
+Q:	Why was Cinderella banished from the Magic Kingdom?
+A:	For sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Tell the truth!
+	Tell a lie!  Tell the truth!  Tell a lie!"
+%
+Q:      What's the difference between VMS and PMS?
+
+A1:     PMS is only a problem for some people.
+A2:     PMS is only a problem for part of the month.
+A3:     The drugstore has remedies for PMS.
+A4:     People with PMS get sympathy.
+A5:     People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX.
+%
+Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
+A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.
+%
+Q: What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up?
+A: Age.
+%
+Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
+A: The taste.
+%
+Q: What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"?
+A: About three inches.
+%
+Q: Why did the epileptic cross the road?
+A: He couldn't help it.
+
+Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
+A: Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent.
+%
+Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?
+A: 'Cause they can!
+
+(Real answer: 'Cause they can't curl their little paws into fists...)
+%
+Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
+A: So they can jump into trees and rape mice.
+
+Q: What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse?
+A: BOING!!  BOING!!  BOING!!
+%
+QOTD:
+	"... was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort-of
+	Sun-God robes, on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming
+	and throwing little pickles at you?  ...  Why am I the only one
+	who has that dream?"
+%
+QOTD:
+	"Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?"
+%
+QOTD:
+	"Do you smell something burning or is it me?"
+		-- Joan of Arc
+%
+QOTD:
+	"Even the Statue of Liberty shaves her pits."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"He's on the same bus, but he's sure as hell got a different
+	ticket."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"He's so egotistical he yells his own name when he comes."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut."
+%
+QOTD:
+	I get girls because of who I am... a rapist.
+%
+QOTD:
+	I met her [his fiance] over lunch on Thursday.  She had a firm
+	grip.  He's a lucky man.
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I never met a man I couldn't drink handsome."
+%
+QOTD:
+	I own my own body, but I share.
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I say, and without apology, hang the bitch."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I used to beat off so much in the shower, I'd get a hard on every
+	time it rained."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm all right now."
+%
+QOTD:
+	I won't say he's unsavory, but for his birthday he bought himself
+	a pair of velcro gloves.
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I'd crawl a mile over burning desert sand just to kiss the dick of
+	the guy who screwed her last."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I'd drag my dick a mile over broken glass just to masturbate in
+	her shadow!"
+%
+QOTD:
+	"I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza... I might play
+	golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her!"
+%
+QOTD:
+	It *was* wonderfully polite of me.  Usually I call the kind of
+	cretinous dipshit that pisses me off a ``fucking asshole.''
+		-- Richard Sexton
+%
+QOTD:
+	"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten
+	who gets tied up."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!"
+%
+QOTD:
+	Men come in four sizes -- small, medium, large, and "You're
+	going to put that thing *where*?"
+%
+QOTD:
+	My penis is better than corn, because corn doesn't squeal when
+	you stick those little prongs into it.
+		-- Mark-Jason Dominus
+%
+QOTD:
+	No, honey, I've never been circumsized; it's simply wear and tear.
+%
+QOTD:
+	"One day, I'd like to wake up in the morning to find that every gay
+	and lesbian has lavender skin.  On that morning, I will be -- mauve."
+%
+QOTD:
+	Sex is like everything else.  To get it done right, do it yourself.
+%
+QOTD:
+	She began coming, making noises like a small animal in pain.
+	Ouch!  Ow!  My paw!  Ouch!!
+%
+QOTD:
+	"She was so tough she rolled her own tampons."
+%
+QOTD:
+	Talk about willing people... over half of them are willing to work
+	and the others are more than willing to watch them.
+%
+QOTD:
+	"The difference between dark and hard is... it stays dark
+	all night."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"The marines and I have something in common; we're both looking for
+	a few good men!"
+%
+QOTD:
+	"The only real difference between men and women is that men are
+	crabby all month long."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"Well, let's say she's friendly.  Last year she was the Herpes
+	Poster Girl."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"What would the world be like without men?  A lot of fat,
+	happy women."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"When she hauled ass, it took three trips."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"Whhoooooooeeeeeeeeeee, Elmer!  Take a look at that purty young lady
+	over thar!  Why, I'd walk a mile barefoot over barbed wire and broken
+	glass just to drive the truck that takes her panties to the cleaners!"
+%
+QOTD:
+	"Whip me, beat me, come all over me, tell me you love me.
+	Then get the fuck out."
+%
+QOTD:
+	"You might as well say "yes", the sheets are messy already."
+%
+quickie, n:
+	A moment's piece.
+%
+quickie, n:
+	No sooner spread than done.
+%
+QWERT (kwirt) n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]   1. a unit of weight
+equal to 13 poiuyt  avoirdupois  (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in
+structural engineering  2. [Colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully
+grown sligo can carry.  3. [Anat.] a painful  irritation  of  the dermis
+in the region of the anus  4. [Slang] person who excites in others the
+symptoms of a qwert.
+		-- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
+%
+Ralph:	Lisa, you have no tits and a awful tight pussy.
+Lisa:	Ralph... get off my back!!
+%
+randel, n:
+	A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an
+	apology for farting at a friend.
+		-- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
+		   Preposterous Words
+%
+Raquel Welch:		36-24-36
+Bo Derek:		35-24-36
+Ann-Margaret:		37-25-36
+Bette Middler:		37-25-36
+Marilyn Monroe:		37-24-37
+Jane Russell:		39-27-38
+Jayne Mansfield:	40-23-37
+Sophia Loren:		37-25-36
+%
+Rating women on the Budweiser scale; the number
+of Clydesdales it would take to pull you off her.
+%
+Reach out and fuck someone.
+%
+Readers Ask:
+	Is it possible to kill a vampire with a gun?
+
+Vampires are a source of great irritation to the average homeowner and it is
+usually to one's advantage to remove these pests as rapidly as possible.  If
+a professional exterminater specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is
+possible to handle the situation with common household items.  However, much
+of the common folklore of vanquishing the undead needs clarifying.  First,
+driving a sharpened Louisville Slugger through a vampire's heart will NOT kill
+it.  Since it's not quite alive, why would the heart be any different than
+puncturing it in the, for example, left buttock?  Stake driving should be
+avoided at any cost since its effect will be to terribly annoy the vampire,
+and the last thing you want on your hands is an irate Lord of Darkness.
+Handguns are also a definite no-no.  Common sense indicates that it requires
+more to defeat an incarnation of evil than hurling lumps of lead or silver
+through its body.  One time-honored method is to expose the vampire to the
+sun, sever its head (any power saw should be sufficient), fill its mouth with
+holy wafers (vanilla wafers over which the Lord's prayer has been read will
+do in a pinch), immerse the head in an urn filled with holy water, place the
+urn in consecrated lands and bury the rest of the body underneath a crossroad
+(i.e. the intersection of Broad & Chestnut).  Sure, it's a lot of work.  But
+you'll never have to worry about those damn bats pestering the neighbors again.
+%
+real buddy, n:
+	Someone who'll go downtown and get two blowjobs, and come back
+	and give you one.
+%
+real class, adj:
+	When you're by yourself, fart, and say "Excuse me."
+%
+Real fur: the ultimate sadist symbol.
+%
+Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
+Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
+Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
+These are a few of my favorite drugs.
+
+Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
+Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
+Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
+These are a few of my favorite drugs.
+
+Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
+Users of heroin, often called junkies
+Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
+Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
+
+	On a bad trip
+	When the cops come
+	When I lose my head
+	I simply take more of my favorite drugs
+	And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
+		-- My Favorite Drugs, sung to "My Favorite Things"
+%
+Reformed, n:
+	A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays.
+%
+rejection, n:
+	When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
+%
+Religion is fine, Churchianity sucks.
+%
+Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.
+		-- Frank Zappa
+%
+Remember, when preparing a dish for bedtime,
+champagne is the best tenderizer.
+%
+Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls?  Only
+sissies liked girls?  What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
+changed.  You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow
+out of it.  We just grow horny.  That's the problem.  We mix up liking
+pussy for liking girls.  Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with
+the other.
+		-- Jules Feiffer
+%
+Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was sadly, shaking his head.
+	"What's the matter, buddy?", inquired the bartender.
+	"Well," replied the customer, "while I was in the men's room, I saw
+someone had scribbled `Wendy gives really fabulous head; absolutely the best
+blow job in the world!' on the wall."
+	"Ahh, hell," said the bartender.  "Don't give it a second thought,
+we get jerks in here like anywhere else."
+	"I know," snarled the headshaker. "One of them scratched out the
+phone number!"
+%
+Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife.
+Sweet revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay.
+%
+rodeo fuck, n:
+	When you lean down and whisper in your lover's ear, "Honey, you're
+	the worst piece of ass I've ever had!".  And then try to stay on
+	for seven seconds...
+%
+Rogue players do it with all sorts of different animals.
+%
+Roland was a warrior, from the land of the midnight sun,
+With a Thompson gun for hire, fighting to be done.
+The deal was made in Denmark, on a dark and stormy day,
+So he set out for Biafra, to join the bloody fray.
+Through sixty-six and seven, they fought the Congo war,
+With their fingers on their triggers, knee deep in gore.
+Days and nights they battled, the Bantu to their knees,
+They killed to earn their living, and to help out the Congolese.
+	Roland the Thompson gunner...
+His comrades fought beside him, Van Owen and the rest,
+But of all the Thompson gunners, Roland was the best.
+So the C.I.A decided, they wanted Roland dead,
+That son-of-a-bitch Van Owen, blew off Roland's head.
+	Roland the headless Thompson gunner...
+Roland searched the continent, for the man who'd done him in.
+He found him in Mombasa, in a bar room drinking gin,
+Roland aimed his Thompson gun, he didn't say a word,
+But he blew Van Owen's body from there to Johannesburg.
+The eternal Thompson gunner, still wandering through the night,
+Now it's ten years later, but he stills keeps up the fight.
+In Ireland, in Lebanon, in Palestine, in Berkeley,
+Patty Hearst... heard the burst... of Roland's Thompson gun, and bought it.
+		-- Warren Zevon, "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner"
+%
+ROMEO:		Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
+MERCUTIO:	No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide
+			as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
+%
+Rosenberg wanted to leave the country.
+"And what is *your* reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office.
+"I am told a pogrom is being prepared.  Against the Jews and the barbers,"
+	replies Rosenberg.
+"Why the barbers?"
+"Everybody asks that question.  That's why I want to leave."
+%
+Roses on your piano isn't nearly as good as tulips on your organ.
+%
+Rugby is a game played by men with peculiarly shaped balls.
+%
+rugby, n:
+	A sport requiring leather balls.
+%
+Rumour has it that the intrepid New Zealanders have finally discovered
+two new uses for sheep.  Meat and wool.
+%
+Runners do it alone.
+%
+Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs,
+"The men like to spread my two legs,
+	Then slip in between,
+	If you know what I mean,
+And leave me the white of their eggs."
+%
+Said a decadent wench of Bombay :
+"This has been a most wonderful day.
+	Three cherry tarts,
+	At least twenty farts,
+Two shits, and a bloody fine lay."
+%
+Said a girl who upon her divan
+Was attacked by a virile young man:
+	"Such excess of passion
+	Is quite out of fashion"
+And she fractured his wrist with her fan.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+Said a happy young man of Fort Drum :
+"What care I for this shortage of gum?
+	My favorite chew
+	Is a condom or two,
+With a goodly amount of fresh come."
+%
+Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
+"My favorite sport is coitus."
+	But a fullback from State,
+	Made her period late,
+And now she has athlete's fetus.
+%
+Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
+When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
+	"You must seize it, and squeeze it,
+	And tease it, and please it,
+For Rome wasn't built in a day."
+%
+Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad;
+Of all the girls that I've had,
+	None gave me the thrill
+	Of real rapture until
+I learned how to be a tribade."
+%
+Said a madam named Mamie La Farge
+To a sailor just off of a barge,
+	"We have one girl that's dead,
+	With a hole in her head--
+Of course there's a slight extra charge."
+%
+Said a modest young miss to de Sade,
+I'm simply too shy and afraid
+	To take part in your pranks.
+	But to show you my thanks,
+I'd just love to become your first aide.
+%
+Said a pornographistic young poet
+"Although I perhaps do not show it,
+	My interest in sin
+	Is wearing quite thin,
+And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."
+%
+Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
+Whose virtue was largely a myth,
+	"Try as hard as I can,
+	 I can't find a man
+That it's fun to be virtuous with!"
+%
+Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
+Whose virtue was largely a myth,
+	"Try as hard as I can,
+	I can't find a man
+That it's fun to be virtuous with."
+%
+Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
+Whose virtue was largely a myth,
+     	"Try as hard as I can,
+	 I can't find a man
+That it's fun to be virtuous with!"
+%
+Said crew girl Angelica Bauer :
+"The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour."
+	Uhura said, "No,
+	At night that's not so--
+He doesn't withdraw for an hour."
+%
+Said Einstein, "I have an equation
+Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
+	Let  v  be virginity
+	Approaching infinity;
+Let  p  be a constant persuasion;
+
+Let  p  over  p  be inverted
+With the square root of mu inserted
+	N  times into  v  ...
+	The result, Q E D,
+Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
+%
+Said Einstein, "I have an equation
+Which to some may seem Rabelaisian:
+	Let V be virginity
+	Approaching infinity;
+Let P be a constant persuasion;
+
+"Let V over P be inverted
+With the square root of Mu inserted
+	N times into V ...
+	The result, Q.E.D.,
+Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
+%
+Said Francesca, "My lack of volition
+Is leading me straight to perdition;
+	But I haven't the strength
+	To go to the length
+Of making an act of contrition."
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+Said President Jobcock one day :
+"War's better than love, I should say.
+	Instead of a virgin,
+	It's murder I'm urgin'--
+You get lots more blood that-a-way."
+%
+Said sneering Mohammed el-Din :
+"Only infidel dogs put it in.
+	Back home in Arabia
+	We nibble the labia
+Till the juice dribbles off of our chin."
+%
+Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers,
+In a cunt halfway up to his ears :
+	"This nautch is delicious,
+	 And without doubt nutritious.
+She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!"
+%
+Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea,
+"Young man, do you fart when you pee?"
+	I replied with some wit,
+	"Do you belch when you shit?"
+I think that was one up for me.
+%
+Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
+"This must be our final adieu,
+	For the vicar is slicker,
+	And thicker, and quicker,
+And two inches longer than you."
+%
+Saint Peteer was once heard to boast
+That he'd had all the heavenly host :
+	The Father and Son,
+	And then - just for fun -
+The hole in the Holy Ghost.
+%
+Sam Lefkovitz is having an intimate party to celebrate his thirty
+immensely profitable years in the construction business.
+	"You know," he laments to his friends, "over the years I have
+constructed dozens of enormous projects in and around this city, but
+am I known as Sam the Builder?  No.
+	And over the years I have contributed literally millions of
+dollars to charitable causes of one sort or another, but am I called
+Sam the Philanthropist?  No sir!
+	But suck one little cock..."
+%
+San Francisco:
+	A nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to tie my shoelaces
+	there.
+%
+San Francisco is my kind of city,
+Where the women are strong and the men are pretty.
+%
+Save a forest - eat a beaver!
+%
+Save a mouse, eat a pussy!
+%
+Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
+%
+Save the whales.  Club a seal instead.
+%
+Says an airlining wanton named Vi:
+"I'm a pantyless stew when I fly.
+	To a muffer's delight,
+	I'll take head on a flight,
+So the guy can have pie in the sky."
+%
+schnuffel, n.:
+	A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in mixed
+	company.
+		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+"Scott, baby," the sexually aggressive girl murmured as she guided
+her date's finger to her clitoris, "This bud's for you."
+%
+Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the
+ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets.
+		-- Edgar Berman
+%
+SDW/M, 35, offers French lessons for ladies.
+If you desire fluency in the French tongue,
+this cunning linguist can lick your problem.
+
+Fortune -- P.O. Box 478
+%
+Seems like there were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing
+the other suspiciously.  One of them turns to the other.
+	"What are you here for?" he asks.
+	"Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day,
+and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore it,
+but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand."
+	"Yeah, I now what you mean.  So, what are you here for?"
+	"Erm ... well ... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going
+to be ... you know ... I'm going to have the *operation*."
+	"Oh.  Well, I'm sorry," sympathised the first dog.
+	Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely.
+	"So," he asked, "What are you in here for?"
+	"Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed.
+	"Go on, I told you, it *can't* be as bad!"
+	"OK.  Well, it's like this.  The bitch next door was in heat, and so
+I was feeling, you know, a bit randy.  Then Mistress came into the kitchen
+wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over.  I just couldn't
+resist it!" admitted the dog.
+	"Oh!  So you're here for the operation too!"
+	"No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!"
+%
+Seems like these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three
+were always in accord against the fourth.  One day, the odd rabbi out, with
+the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost
+again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.  "Oh, God!" he cried.  "I
+know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong!  Please show me a sign,
+so they too will know that I understand Your laws."
+	It was a beautiful, sunny day.  As soon as the rabbi finished his
+plaint, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four.  It rumbled once
+and dissolved.  "A sign from God!  See, I'm right, I knew it!"  But the other
+three disagreed, pointing out that stormclouds form on hot days.
+	So he asked again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am
+right and they are wrong.  So please, God, a bigger sign."
+	This time four stormclouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form
+one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning knocked down a tree ten feet away from
+the rabbis.  The cloud dispersed at once.  "I told you I was right!" insisted
+the loner, but the others insisted that nothing had happened that could not
+be explained by natural causes.
+	The insisting rabbi is all ready to ask for a *very big* sign when
+just as he says "Oh God..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and
+a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
+	The sky returns to normal.  The one rabbi puts his hands on his hips
+and snarls, "Well?"  "Okay, okayyyy," replied another, "so now it's 3 to 2!"
+%
+Seems like this guy is hitting up on a woman in a bar.  After assiduously
+pursuing her for several minutes, she leans forward and tells him that he's
+a nice guy and all that, but, well, that she's a lesbian.  Confused, he asks
+her what that means.
+	"Well," she replies, "you see that woman at the corner table?"
+	"Yeah..."
+	"I'd like to walk over to her, and unbottom her blouse."
+	"Yeah..."
+	"And then I'd like to kiss her and suck on her nipples... and
+then I'd like to take off her skirt... and run my hand over her thighs..."
+	"Right!  Right!" interrupts the guy.  "I think I'm a lesbian too!"
+%
+Seems there was this traveling salesman who wandered into a brothel and
+asked the madam for a woman who would give him the absolutely worst blow-job
+imaginable.  Not horny, just homesick.
+%
+Seems this guy notices a young nun sitting on the bus; through her heavy veil
+he just spots a glimmer of her face.  Gorgeous!  She moves, and her vestments
+cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body.  The guy gets more and
+more excited until he finally approaches the nun and tells "Sister, please
+believe me, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you.
+Could we maybe talk?"
+	The nun almost runs off the bus.  As the young man's stop comes up,
+the bus driver asks the guy if he was the person bothering the nun.  The man
+starts apologizing, but the bus driver interrupts him.  "No, don't apologize,
+I was checking her out myself.  Listen, you see where she got on?  She goes
+there every day, to a little park.  Why don't you meet here there?"
+	Sure enough, the man goes to the park the next day and there's the nun
+in a secluded grove of trees.  He approaches her, and she seems, although shy,
+much more willing to talk.  After an hour of cautious talk, he asks her if
+she'd be willing to make love with him.  She blushes, smiles, blushes again
+and says "yes".  But that she doesn't dare risk getting pregnant, so it would
+have to be the "back door".
+	As they start to make love, the young man is overcome with guilt;
+panting, he says, "Sister, I have to tell you, I'm the guy who was annoying
+you on the bus yesterday.
+	Replies the nun, "Well, that's okay.  I'm not really a nun.  I'm
+actually the bus driver."
+%
+Seems to me that both the Democrats and the Republicans should change their
+symbols to a contraceptive device; it stands for inflation, inhibits
+production, protects a bunch of pricks and gives everyone a false sense of
+security while they're being screwed.
+%
+Self-abuse is the most certain road to the grave.
+		-- Dr. George M. Calhoun, 1855
+%
+SEMINARS:
+	From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
+%
+Sen. Danforth:  "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
+		notify you if the record has pornographics material or
+		material glorifying violence?"
+Tipper Gore:    "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
+Frank Zappa:    "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on
+		the album cover is good indication that it's not for little
+		Johnny."
+
+		-- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
+		   lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
+%
+Send lawyers, guns, and money,
+The shit has hit the fan.
+		-- Warren Zevon
+%
+Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.
+		-- Grover Cleveland, 1905
+%
+Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed
+in driving rain waiting for transport to prison.  "If this is the way Queen
+Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she doesn't deserve to have
+any."
+%
+Sex and drugs and UNIX.
+%
+Sex and mathematics have one thing in common.
+You can do each while thinking about the other.
+%
+Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
+		-- Sophia Loren
+%
+Sex is a biological function; kissing is a committment.
+%
+Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher.
+%
+Sex is dirty, but only if you do it right.
+%
+Sex is great,
+Sex is grand,
+Sex around here,
+Is mostly by hand.
+%
+Sex is just one damp thing after another.
+%
+Sex is like a bridge game --
+If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
+%
+Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste!
+%
+Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.
+%
+Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
+%
+Sex is the poor man's opera.
+		-- G.B. Shaw
+%
+Sex is what women have and men want.
+%
+Sex; it's always best when one partner is at least a little bit desperate.
+%
+SEX-CHANGE NUN BECOMES TV WRESTLER!!!
+	details at 11!
+%
+Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
+temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.  A shamus is at
+the bottom of the pecking order of synagog functionaries, and there's
+a joke about that:
+
+A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a
+service,
+	"Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
+The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out,
+	"Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
+The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries,
+	"Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
+The rabbi turns to the cantor and says,
+	"Look who thinks he's nobody!"
+%
+Share and enjoy, share and enjoy.
+Journey through life with a plastic boy or girl by your side.
+Let your pal be your guide.
+And when it breaks down or starts to annoy,
+	or grinds when it moves and gives you no joy,
+	'cause it digs up your hat,
+	or has sex with your cat,
+	sprays oil on your wall or rips off your door,
+	and you get to the point you can't stand any more.
+Bring it to us, we won't give a shit.
+We'll tell you: "Go stick your head in a pig".
+%
+She Ain't Much to See, but She Looks Good Through the Bottom of a Glass
+If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, I Wonder Who's I'd Find On You
+I'm Ashamed to be Here, but Not Ashamed Enough to Leave
+It's Commode Huggin' Time In The Valley
+If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put It Next to My Ex-wife's Heart
+If You Get the Feeling That I Don't Love You, Feel Again
+I'm Ashamed To Be Here, But Not Ashamed Enough To Leave
+It's the Bottle Against the Bible in the Battle For Daddy's Soul
+My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Miss Him
+Don't Cut Any More Wood, Baby, 'Cause I'll Be Comin' Home With A Load
+I Loved Her Face, But I Left Her Behind For You
+		-- proposed Country-Western song titles
+%
+She asked me if I loved her still.
+"Yes," I replied.  "I've never had you any other way."
+%
+She begged and she pleaded for more.
+I said, "We've already had four,
+	And I'm sure that you've heard,
+	Though it's somewhat absurd,
+That eros spelt backwards is sore."
+%
+She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed.
+		-- Dorothy Parker
+%
+She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
+candidates for president.
+		-- John Greenway, "The American Tradition",
+		   on feminist Elizabeth Gould Davis
+%
+She made a thing of soft leather,
+And topped off the end with a feather.
+	When she poked it inside her
+	She took off like a glider,
+And gave up her lover forever.
+%
+She never liked zippers, she said,
+Until she opened one in bed.
+%
+She stood there and peeled off her clothes,
+And begged for a bang : goodness knows
+	I am surely impure
+	And I sizzled to scrure,
+But the push had gone out of my hose.
+%
+She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together.
+%
+She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety,
+When the chain on her motorcycle broke,
+	Now she's lying in the grass,
+	With the muffler up her ass,
+And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes.
+%
+She was only:
+	a coal digger's daughter, but she'll always be mine.
+	a statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations.
+	a wrestler's daughter, but you should have seen her box.
+	a moonshiner's daughter, but I loved her still.
+	a chimney sweep's daughter, but she sure knew how to haul ash.
+	a fireman's daughter, but her face was a cause for alarm.
+	a banker's daughter, but she opened her drawers for cash.
+%
+She was peeved, and called her beau "Mr."
+Not because, when she came in, he kr.,
+	But she knew, just before
+	She opened the door,
+This same Mr. had kr. sr.
+%
+She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Fifth
+Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg.  She reached back and
+unzipped her zipper.  It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back
+and unzipped it again.  Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put
+her on the top step.
+	"How dare you?" she demanded.
+	"Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the
+second time I thought we'd become good friends."
+%
+She wasn't what one could call pretty
+And other girls offered her pity,
+	So nobody guessed
+	That her Wasserman test
+Involved half the men in the city.
+%
+She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down.
+%
+She's looking for:	He's looking for:	Foreplay:
+1957			Someone who'll go	Her: Finding a place to put
+Mr. Nice Guy		all the way		     her gum
+						Him: Wondering which word would
+						     best describe her breasts
+						     to the guys
+
+1967			Someone who's got	The first ten minutes
+Mr. Natural		rolling papers and	of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"
+			will go all the way
+
+1977			Someone who'll go	Testing the batteries
+Mr. Goodbar		all the way in leg
+			warmers and a leather
+			face mask
+
+1987			Someone who's never	Examination of the genitalia
+Mr. Clean		gone all the way in	under the magnifying glass
+			San Francisco		that Grandma used for needle-
+						point before she passed away
+		-- Michael Corcoran, "National Lampoon", October 1987
+%
+She's the kind of woman you could fall madly in bed with.
+%
+Shit happens.
+%
+Shopping at this grody little computer store at the Galleria for a
+totally awwwsome Apple.  Fer suuure.  I mean Apples are nice you
+know?  But, you know, there is this cute guy who works there and HE
+says that VAX's are cooler!  I mean I don't really know, you know?
+He says that he has this totally tubular VAX at home and it's stuffed
+with memory-to-the-max!  Right, yeah.  And he wants to take me home
+to show it to me.  Oh My God!  I'm suuure.  Gag me with a Prime!
+%
+Short man who dance with tall woman gets bust in mouth.
+%
+Shouted Frosty the Snowman "Hooray!
+I'm agog with excitement today!
+	And the reason of course,
+	A reliable source,
+Said the snow blower's heading this way!"
+%
+Showerbath: Natural venue for sexual adventures -- wash together, make love
+together: only convenient overhead point in most apartments or hotel rooms
+to attach a partner's hands.  Don't pull down the fixture, however -- it
+isn't weightbearing.  See Discipline.
+		-- The Joy of Sex
+%
+Sighed a neat little package named Annie :
+"I've the tits and the twat and the fanny,
+	Plus the yen, but the men
+	Only call now and then--
+Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?"
+%
+Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
+%
+Sixteen'll get you twenty.
+%
+Size counts.
+%
+small, adj:
+	Is it in yet?
+%
+Smoking a woman is like kissing a fish.
+%
+Sniff sniff...  Hey!  Who farted?
+%
+Snow White:
+	"Gee guys, I've always dreamed of getting ten inches...
+	but not an inch-and-a-half at a time!
+%
+"Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay,
+"Come on, take it out, and let's play."
+	He pulled it on out,
+	But she started to pout,
+His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout.
+%
+So, good night, you moonlit ladies,
+Rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
+Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose,
+Won't you let me go down in my dreams?
+And rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
+		-- James Taylor, "Rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James"
+%
+So here was this fellow of Strensall
+Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil,
+	Anemic, 'tis true,
+	But an interesting screw,
+Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.
+%
+So, how's your love life?
+Still holding your own?
+%
+So... if you could choose any nose in the whole wide world,
+which one would you pick?
+%
+So it's ai yi yi yi,
+Your mother scores more than Wayne Gretzky!
+So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
+And waltz me around by my willie!
+
+	There once was a man from Nantucket!
+	Whose cock was so long he could suck it!
+		He said with a grin,
+		As he wiped off his chin,
+	If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!
+
+So it's ai yi yi yi,
+Your sister does squat thrusts on flag poles!
+So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
+And waltz me around by my willie!
+
+	There once was a young man from Boston!
+	Who drove around town in an Austin!
+		There was room for his ass,
+		And a gallon of gas,
+	So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em!
+%
+So it's ai yi yi yi,
+Your sister swims out to meet troop ships!
+So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
+And waltz me around by my willie!
+
+	There once was a man from Racine!
+	Who invented a screwing machine!
+		Both concave and convex,
+		It could please either sex,
+	But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
+
+So it's ai yi yi yi,
+Your girlfriend douches with Drano!
+So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
+And waltz me around by my willie!
+
+	One night a girl had an affair!
+	With a fellow all covered with hair!
+		His enormous red whang,
+		Gave her a wonderful bang --
+	She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear!
+%
+So this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny cold water flat on the
+lower East Side when the husband said, "Doris, we're in bad shape.  Inflation
+has eaten up our Social Security check.  The next one isn't due for a week
+and we've got no money left for food."
+	"Could I do anything to help?" she asked.
+	"Yes," he said.  "I hate to see you do this but it's the only way.
+You're going to have to go out and hustle."
+	"Me?" she asked.  "At the age of sixty-five?"
+	"It's the only way," he said.
+Resigned to the situation, she went out into the warm night.  She came
+staggering in early the next morning.
+	"How did you do?" asked the husband.
+	"Here," she said, "I've got four dollars and ten cents."
+	"Four dollars and ten cents," he said .  "Who gave you the ten cents?"
+	"Everybody," she said.
+%
+So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse is, our
+standards keep changing.  Take Playboy magazine.  Back in the 1950s, when
+I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was considered just
+about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever showed was women's
+breasts.  Granted, any given one of these breasts would have provided adequate
+shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect was no more explicit
+than many publications we think nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's
+Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
+		-- Dave Barry
+%
+So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope.
+	"Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two
+Polacks who --"
+	"My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish."
+The salesman thought for a moment.
+	"That's okay, Father," he said. "I'll tell it very slowly."
+%
+So you fucked up... you trusted us!
+		-- Animal House
+%
+So, your daughter was voted "Most Likely to Conceive",
+and you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
+%
+Social interaction can be fatal.  Come to Irvine and live forever.
+%
+Sodomy, fellatio, cunnilingus, pederasty,
+Father, why do these words sound so nasty?
+		-- Hair
+%
+Sodomy is a pain in the ass.
+%
+SOFTWARE:
+	Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
+%
+Some companies idea of playing ball is, you play ball with us,
+and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass.
+%
+Some Harvard men, stalwart and hairy,
+Drank up several bottles of sherry;
+	In the Yard around three
+	They were shrieking with glee:
+"Come on out, we are burning a fairy!"
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor,
+unassisted.
+		-- Wilson Mizner
+%
+Some of the management around here are the final proof that the Indians
+fucked the buffalo.
+%
+Some people seem to think that "damn" is God's last name.
+%
+Some women achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust into them.
+%
+Some women are like musical glasses.
+To keep them in tune they must be wet.
+		-- Samuel Coleridge
+%
+Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.
+		-- Noel Coward
+%
+Something better...
+
+13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened?  Did your parents lose a bet with God?
+14 (complememtary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to
+	perch on.
+15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides?
+16 (obscure): Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone.
+17 (inquiry): When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid?
+18 (french): Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you
+	leave.
+19 (pornographic): Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once.
+20 (religious): The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He.
+21 (disgusting): Say, who mows your nose hair?
+22 (paranoid): Keep that guy away from my cocaine!
+23 (aromatic): It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the
+	coffee ... in Brazil.
+24 (appreciative): Oooo, how original.  Most people just have their teeth
+	capped.
+25 (dirty): Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?
+		-- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
+%
+Sometimes guys'll say to you, "Have a good one."  I say, "I already have
+a good one.  Now I'm looking for a longer one."
+		-- George Carlin
+%
+Sometimes, you just gotta say "What the fuck."
+		-- Risky Business
+%
+Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey.  That's just holy water.
+		-- Little Richard
+%
+SPINSTER:
+	Unlusted number.
+%
+Starkle, starkle, little twink,
+Who the hell you are I think
+I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep
+I'm just a little slort of sheep.
+Tee martoonis make a guy,
+Feel so woozy, I don't know why.
+So mass the pixer and kill my fup
+I've all day sober to sunday up.
+%
+Statisticians do it with 95 percent confidence.
+%
+Statisticians probably do it.
+%
+Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!!!
+%
+Stockmayer's Theorem:
+	If it looks easy, it's tough.
+	If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible.
+%
+STRAPLESS EVENING GOWN:
+	Bust truster.
+%
+stress, n:
+	The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's
+	desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who
+	desperately needs it.
+%
+subpoena, n:
+	From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ
+	or penis.  Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
+%
+Success has many fathers, but failure is a bastard.
+%
+Success is like a fart -- only your own smells nice.
+		-- James P. Hogan
+%
+successful cunnilingus:
+	When you wake up the next morning with a face like a
+	frosted doughnut.
+%
+SUGAR DADDY:
+	A man who can afford to raise cain.
+%
+Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president!  
+Quite naturally, we wouldn't have to pay her so much.
+%
+Sure banking is Biblical!
+
+How about when Onan received a substantial penalty for early withdrawal?
+Or when Pharaoh's daughter went into the bulrushes and came out with a
+little prophet?  And it was Moses who led the Children of Israel to the
+Banks of the Jordan!
+%
+Sure eating yoghurt will improve your sex life.  People
+know that if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
+%
+swallow, v:
+	The (blew) bird of birth control.
+%
+Systems people do it with a small, but clean, interface.
+%
+Take a look around you, tell me what you see,
+A girl who thinks she's ordinary lookin' she has got the key.
+If you can get close enough to look into her eyes
+There's something special right behind the bitterness she hides.
+	And you're fair game,
+	You never know what she'll decide, you're fair game,
+	Just relax, enjoy the ride.
+Find a way to reach her, make yourself a fool,
+But do it with a little class, disregard the rules.
+'Cause this one knows the bottom line, couldn't get a date.
+The ugly duckling striking back, and she'll decide her fate.
+	(chorus)
+The ones you never notice are the ones you have to watch.
+She's pleasant and she's friendly while she's looking at your crotch.
+Try your hand at conversation, gossip is a lie,
+And sure enough she'll take you home and make you wanna die.
+	(chorus)
+		-- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Fair Game"
+%
+Taoism: Shit Happens.
+Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit Happens".
+Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
+Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
+Protestantism: Shit happens, but it happens to someone else.
+Catholicism: Shit happens, but you deserved it.
+Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US?
+%
+TAXIDERMIST:
+	A man who mounts animals.
+%
+Teaching undergraduates is like herding sheep.  And, like the old Basque
+sheepherder explained, whenever the livestock starts looking good to you,
+it's time to spend a night in town.
+%
+tear leather:
+	To become excited, as in the sentence "Robin Hood tore
+	his leather jerkin' off."
+%
+tearing off a quicky:
+	Gunning the jump.
+%
+Teddy Kennedy:	A Blond in Every Pond!
+%
+Teen-age prostitution: the problem is mounting!
+%
+Television is a whore.  Any man who wants her full favors can have them
+in five minutes with a pistol.
+		-- Hijacker, quoted in "Esquire"
+%
+Tell you what," the haberdasher said to a persistent job applicant.  "I've
+got one suit I can't sell -- that purple, green and yellow number over there.
+If you can make that sale, you've not only got the job, you've got it for
+life."
+	Then the store owner left for lunch.  When he returned, he was shocked
+to see the young man's clothes in tatters and his hands and face bleeding.
+	"My God, what happened to you?"
+	"I sold the suit!  I sold the suit!" the young man shouted, a smile
+on his bloodied lips.
+	"Congratulations," the haberdasher said.  "You've got the job.  But
+what happened?  Did the customer start a fight?"
+	"Oh, no," the new salesman replied.  "But his Seeing Eye dog was
+*pissed*."
+%
+Tequila my girl, is deceiving:
+Take two at the very most.
+Take three and you're under the table,
+Take four and you're under the host.
+%
+Test makers do it:
+	A: sometimes
+	B: always
+	C: never
+	D: none of the above.
+%
+TEXAN:
+	A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma.
+%
+Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester,
+She obliges all who accost her.
+	She welcomes the prick
+	Of Tom, Harry or Dick,
+Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor.
+%
+That girl could suck the chrome off a bumper.
+%
+That Harvard don down at El Djim --
+Oh, wasn't it nasty of him,
+	With the whole harem randy,
+	The sheik himself handy,
+To muss up a young camel's quim.
+%
+That naughty old Sappho of Greece
+Said: "What I prefer to a piece
+	Is to have my pudenda
+	Rubbed hard by the enda
+The little pink nose of my niece."
+%
+That reminds me of a friend of mine who went north to work on the Alaskan
+pipeline.  Before he went up there, he was just a skinny little runt.  When
+he got back, he was a husky fucker.
+%
+The abbess of a nunnery was instructing a group of novices on the house rules
+of her particular order.  The indoctrination period, which went on for hours,
+began with "No washing of undies in the founts," and ended with "Lights out at
+nine.  Candles out at ten."
+%
+The acrobats - Tom and Louise-
+Do an act in the nude on their knees.
+	They crawl down the aisle
+	While screwing dog-style,
+As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees."
+%
+The attractive and grief-stricken widow had been living in seclusion at the
+home of her deceased husband's younger brother for several weeks.  One evening,
+when she could no longer control her emotions, she barged into her brother-in-
+law's study and pleaded, "James, I want you to take off my dress."  Shyly,
+the brother-in-law did as she requested.  "Now," she continued, "take off my
+slip."  He again complied.  "And now," she said, with a slight blush, "remove
+my panties and bra."  Once more James obeyed her command.
+	Then, regaining her composure, she stared directly at the young man
+and boldly announced, "I have only one more request, James.  Don't ever let
+me catch you wearing my things again."
+%
+The babe, with a cry brief and dismal,
+Fell into the water baptismal;
+	Ere they'd gathered its plight,
+	It had sunk out of sight,
+For the depth of the font was abysmal.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+The bedsprings next door jounce and creak :
+They have kept me awake for a week.
+	Why do newlyweds
+	Select squeaky beds
+To develop their fucking technique?
+%
+The best way to cut off a cat's tail is to repossess his Jaguar.
+%
+The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made.
+Evidently He made her on Saturday night.  She reveals his fatigue.
+		-- Dumas
+%
+The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that
+sex for money usually costs a lot less.
+		-- Brendan Francis
+%
+The bishop of Alexandretta
+Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her.
+	So he thought he'd enshrine her
+	As the Holy Vagina
+In the Church of the Sacred French Letter.
+%
+The blacksmith told me before he died,
+And I have no reason to believe that he lied,
+That no matter how he tried,
+His wife was never satisfied!
+
+And so he built a bloody great wheel,
+Harnessed to a cock of steel,
+Two balls of brass were filled with cream,
+And the whole damn thing was driven by steam.
+
+Round and round went the bloody great wheel,
+In and out went the cock of steel,
+Till at last the maiden cried,
+"Enough! Enough! I am satisfied!"
+
+And now we come to the crucial bit --
+There was no way of stopping it.
+And she was split from hole to hole,
+And the whole fucking thing was covered in shit...
+%
+The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as
+they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said,
+	"Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me -- do you have
+any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
+	"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
+fetish -- but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
+%
+The bottom-up approach always gets me buggered.
+		-- Sidney J. Hurtubise
+%
+The boys in the Epperson family all acquired fine educations except for Edward.
+They made him go to school, but most of the time he just ignored what was said
+there.  Yet there were rare moments when he could display a bit of curiosity.
+	One day Edward was sitting at home looking at a magazine, and he said
+to his brilliant older brother, Hud, he said, "Hud, what does fox pass mean?"
+	Brother Hud gave the question some deep consideration and then said,
+"You must mean _faux_pas_."
+	"The way it's spelled," said dumb Ed, "it's fox pass."
+	Hud took a look at the way it was spelled and then said, "It's a French
+phrase -- it means a social blunder.  Remember last Sunday when the Bishop came
+for dinner?  Mother took him out in the garden and they were looking over the
+roses when the Bishop got stuck on the thumb by a thorn.  It was bleeding quite
+a bit so Mother brought him in the house.  They went into the bathroom together
+and stayed quite a while, and when they came out we all went to the dinner
+table.  Remember all that, Ed?"
+	"Yeh."
+	"Now," Hud continued, "you recall that I was just getting to pass
+the gravy when Mother said, 'Bishop, does your prick still throb?'  The gravy
+bowl flew out of my hands and hit the table, and the gravy splattered all
+over everyone.  And just at that point you, Brother Edward, you hollered,
+'Sheee-itt!'  You remember that?"
+	"Yeh."
+	"Well, when you hollered 'Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_."
+%
+The bustard's a remarkable fowl
+With surely no reason to growl
+	He escapes what would be
+	Illegitimacy
+By the grace of a fortunate vowel.
+%
+The butcher, the baker, the candlestick make her, why can't I?
+%
+The computer is the ultimate polluter:
+Its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces.
+%
+The country girl who became a city madam
+has obviously gone from rags to rigids.
+%
+The cruelest of creatures' the crab
+With claws that can pinch you or stab,
+	And then when you dine
+	On crab and white wine
+It gets you as well with the tab.
+%
+The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that
+the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance.
+%
+The difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball
+is that you can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
+%
+The difference between graffiti and philosophy is the word "fuck".
+%
+The difference between her and the Titanic is that only 1100 men
+went down on the Titanic.
+%
+The difference between like and love is the
+same as the difference between a spit and a swallow.
+%
+The difference between this school and a cactus plant
+is that the cactus has the pricks on the outside.
+%
+The difference between women and girls
+is as much as twenty years in some states.
+%
+The Dowager Duchess of Spout
+Collapsed at the height of a rout;
+	She found strength to say
+	As they bore her away:
+"I should never have taken the trout."
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+The early worm gets the bird.
+%
+The ecumenical movement has reached a milestone with the agreement on the
+text of the first Jewish-Catholic prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria".
+%
+The Enterprise crew when off work
+Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk.
+	Uhura the Zulu
+	Is shcked up with Sulu,
+And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk.
+%
+The Enterprise girls, so one hears,
+Have chased Spock for several years.
+	His look of disdain
+	Has spared them great pain,
+For his prick is as sharp as his ears.
+%
+The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
+out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
+		-- New Libertarian Notes, #19
+%
+The fearless old bishop of Brest
+Put his faith in the Lord to the test.
+	He fucked whores in the apse
+	With chancres and claps,
+But first they were sprinkled and blessed.
+%
+The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley
+Came to light with its face in its belly;
+	Her second was born
+	With a hump and a horn,
+And her third was as shapeles as jelly.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+The first time we slept together she drove a recreational vehicle into
+the bedroom.
+		-- Richard Lewis
+%
+The five-alarm fire had been raging out of control for hours, pouring thick,
+black smoke over the street.  At last the blaze was under control and the
+fire chief began accounting for his men.  Two were missing, so he ordered
+a search.  Captain Kelly finally rounded a fire truck parked in an alley
+and found, to his shock, one fireman with his trousers down leaning over a
+garbage can and another fireman screwing him in the ass.
+	"What's the meaning of this!", the captain roared.
+	"Jones here had passed out from smoke inhalation," the fireman on
+top panted.
+	"You're supposed to give mouth to mouth resuscitation for that!"
+the captain yelled.
+	"I know.  That's what started this," the fireman replied.
+%
+The Fortune Travel Agency offers a special... Vacation in Hell!
+	-- Grace Kelly drives you to the airport.
+	-- Thurman Munson flies you to a remote tropical island.
+	-- Ted Kennedy's your chauffeur on the island.
+	-- You go yachting with Natalie Wood.
+	-- You have drinks with William Holden.
+	-- And Roman Polanski stays at home and watches your kids.
+%
+The fucking ain't worth the fighting.
+%
+The genital area of Ann
+Will accommodate any size man,
+	From the wee that cause titters
+	To the mighty twat-splitters
+That cause screams peasants hear in Japan.
+%
+The girls that go to see a man's etchings
+may not know art, but they know what they like.
+%
+The good doctor had been an inspiration to the jungle natives.  He had cured
+their sick and taught them the religious and moral values of his own England.
+He was loved and respected by every native in the village, but on this
+particular afternoon the chief was obviously troubled as he entered the
+doctor's hut.  "You live among my people long time now," said the chief.
+"You tell us not right for a man and girl to be close together before
+marriage and we believe what you say.  This morning white child born to
+woman in village.  You only white man in jungle.  What I tell my people?"
+	The doctor smiled and led the chief to a window.  "My son," he said,
+"I'll won't attempt to give you a full scientific explanation for the
+phenomenon known as an albino.  But look at the flock of sheep upon that
+hill.  Every one is snow white except one.  The white baby born to the
+woman in your village means nothing more or less than that one black sheep
+in the white flock.  It is simply one of nature's mysterious accidents."
+	The black chief became embarrassed and looked at his feet. "OK, doc,"
+he said.  "You no tell -- I no tell."
+%
+The good news is that the horse is dead, but your mother's pregnant.
+%
+The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it.
+		-- Truman Capote
+%
+The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics.
+These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the
+results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays.  What must be
+kept ever in mind, however, is that in every case, the figures are first
+put down by a village watchman, and he puts down anything he damn well
+pleases.
+		-- Sir Josiah Stamp
+%
+The greatest lies of all time:
+	 (1) I love you.
+	 (2) This won't hurt a bit.
+	 (3) The Mercedes is paid for.
+	 (4) The check is in the mail.
+	 (5) I was just going to call you.
+	 (6) I've always worn cowboy boots.
+	 (7) I swear I won't come in your mouth.
+	 (8) Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
+	 (9) We have a really challenging assignment for you.
+	(10) I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you.
+%
+The Grecians were famed for fine art,
+And buildings and stonework so smart.
+	They distinguished with poise
+	The men from the boys,
+And used crowbars to keep them apart.
+%
+The hacker as a mate/lover and the signs of trouble:
+
+-- The morning after note reads:
+	Whiting, Barbara:
+	I enjoyed last night.  We really interfaced.  You looked so cute
+	I wanted to byte your ear.
+-- He believes Steve Wozniak offered the Apple to Adam.
+-- The people he tries to emulate are five years his junior.
+-- The last straw:
+	Once again, your date has lost all track of time debugging a new
+	program and shows up an hour late.
+
+	You Don't...:
+		Make nasty asides regarding his 5-1/4 inch floppy.
+	You Do...:
+		Remind him that "going down" doesn't necessarily
+		indicate a malfunction.
+%
+The harder they come, the more important it is to have
+an extra-firm mattress.
+%
+The honest female orgasm is three to fifteen rhythmic contractions of the
+outer third of the vagina at .8 second intervals, which is approximately
+the beat of Surfing Safari" by the Beach Boys.  Unless these contractions
+occur, you can regard her groaning, moaning, clawing, kicking, begging for
+mercy, and shouting filthy religious epithets as bargain-basement histrionics.
+		-- John Hughes, National Lampoon
+%
+The honeymoon is over when a quickie before dinner refers to a short drink.
+%
+The hope that springs eternal
+Springs right up your behind.
+		-- Ian Drury, "This Is What We Find"
+%
+The hungover couple dawdled over a midafternoon breakfast, after a
+particularly wild all-night party held in their fashionable apartment.
+	"Dearest, this is rather embarrassing," said the husband, "but
+was it you I made love to in the library last night?"
+	His wife looked at him reflectively and then asked, "About what
+time?"
+%
+The husband was disturbed by his wife's indifferent attitude towards him
+and the marriage counselor suggested he try being more aggressive in his
+lovemaking.
+	"Act more like a romantic lover and less like a bored spouse," he
+was advised.  "When you go home, make love to her as soon as you meet --
+even if it's right inside the front door."
+	At the next consultation, the adviser was pleased to hear that the
+husband had followed his instructions.  "And how did she react this time?"
+the consultant asked.
+	"Well, to tell you the truth," the husband replied, "she was still
+sort of indifferent.  But one thing I've got to admit: her bridge club went
+absolutely wild!"
+%
+The husband wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a
+day early and would be home on Thursday.  When he walked into his apartment,
+however, he found his wife in bed with another man.  Furious,he picked up his
+bag and stormed out.  He met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what
+had happened and announced that he was filing for divorce in the morning.
+	"Give my daughter a chance to explain before you take any action,"
+the older woman pleaded.  Reluctantly, he agreed.
+	An hour later his mother-in-law phoned the husband at his club.
+"I knew my daughter would have an explanation," she said, a note of triumph
+in her voice.  "She didn't receive your telegram!"
+%
+The Italian entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, "I Can't Get No
+Contraception", has been withdrawn after the Pope advised them to
+pull it out at the last minute.
+		-- Not the Nine O'Clock News
+%
+The king arranged a regal marriage for his daughter -- a bond that would unite
+two great kingdoms.  Yet, because the young couple seemed so formal to each
+other, he posted a spy outside the royal wedding chamber and demanded a full
+account of the wedding night's progress.
+	"It's hard to tell," said the spy the next morning. "When the prince
+entered the chamber, I heard the princess say, quite formally, 'I offer you my
+honor.'  Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, 'I honor your offer.'
+And that's the way it went all night long -- honor, offer, honor, offer.
+%
+The King named Oedipus Rex
+Who started this fuss about sex
+	Put the world to great pains
+	By the spots and the stains
+Which he made on his mother's pubex.
+%
+The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard
+To make her fuck hot, but got flustered,
+	And cried, "Oh, my dear,
+	I am coming, I fear,
+But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'."
+%
+The kings of Peru were the Incas,
+Who were known far and wide as great drincas.
+	They worshipped the sun
+	And had lots of fun,
+But the peasants all thought they were stincas.
+%
+The largest gay community in the U.S. (as a percentage of total population)
+is not in San Francisco, but in Iowa Falls, Minnesota (pop. 763), a small
+town in which virtually everyone is gay.  In 1976, a group of about 100
+gays fleeing persecution in the South settled in the town, and soon won a
+majority on the town council.  Ordinances prohibiting heterosexual acts
+soon followed.  "After all," said mayor Harry Whalen, "If the Supreme Court
+has refused to strike down laws prohibiting homosexual acts, then our
+anti-straight laws are equally valid."  Rigorous enforcement of those laws
+has resulted in a community that is now almost 100% gay.  Said one long-time
+resident: "I've lived here 35 years and didn't want to leave, but I didn't
+want to give up sex either.  Then my neighbor Ed came over one night, and
+said how about I do it with him, and my wife Millie could do it with his
+wife.  Well, I found it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be.
+Fact is, I rather like it."
+%
+The lights are on,
+but you're not home;
+Your will
+is not your own;
+Your heart sweats,
+Your teeth grind;
+Another kiss
+and you'll be mine...
+
+You like to think that you're immune to the stuff
+(Oh Yeah!)
+It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough;
+You know you're gonna have to face it,
+You're addicted to love!"
+		-- Robert Palmer
+%
+The little boy pointed to two dogs in the park and asked his father what
+they were doing. "They're making puppies, son," replied the father.
+	That night, the boy wandered into his parents' room while they were
+making love.  Asked what they were doing, the father replied, "Making you
+a baby brother."
+	"Gee, Dad," the boy pleaded, "turn her over -- I'd rather have a
+puppy."
+%
+The little old lady rushed into the taxidermist and unwrapped a package
+containing two recently deceased monkeys.  Her instructions to the proprietor
+were delivered in a welter of tears.
+	"Favorite pets... (blubber,sob)... caught cold... (moan)...  Don't
+see how I'll live without them... (weep,sob)... want to have them stuffed...
+(blubber,blubber)!"
+	"Of course, madam," said the proprietor in an understanding voice,
+"and would you care to have them mounted?"
+	"Oh, no," she sobbed, "shaking hands.  They were just close friends."
+%
+The long-peckered Bey of Algiers
+Loved to spear chubby lads in their rears.
+	A demon for semen,
+	This buffersome he-man
+Shot the chute till it seeped from their ears.
+%
+The man and woman make love, attain climax, fall separate.  Then she
+whispers, "I'll tell you who I was thinking of if you tell me who you
+were thinking of."  Like most sex jokes the origins of the pleasant
+exchange are obscure.  But whatever the source, it seldom fails to evoke
+a certain awful recognition.
+		-- Gore Vidal, "New York Review of Books"
+%
+The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary.  She
+is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.
+		-- Norton
+%
+The Messiah will come.  There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all
+the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated.
+		-- Rabbi Meir Kahane
+%
+The mind is its own place, and in itself
+Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.
+What matter where, if I be still the same,
+And what I should be, all but less than he
+Whom thunder hath made greater? here at least
+We shall be free; the almighty hath not built
+Here for his envy, will not drive us hence;
+Here we may reign secure, and, in my choice,
+To reign is worth ambition, though in Hell:
+Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.
+		-- Satan, Milton's "Paradise Lost", I, 254-263
+%
+The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get.
+%
+The more I learn about women, the more I love my dog.
+%
+The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"
+%
+The most pressing issue facing women today is finding a contraceptive
+jelly that smells like a fresh fruit salad.
+%
+The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was
+"Are you sure you're not a cop?"
+		-- Larry Brown
+%
+The most unfair thing about STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) is
+that the guys who bought vasectomies have to wear condoms anyway.
+%
+The most unsatisfactory men are those who pride themselves on their
+virility and regard sex as if it were some form of athletics at which
+you win cups. It is a woman's spirit and mood which a man has to
+stimulate in order to make sex interesting.  The real lover is the
+man who can thrill you by just touching your head or smiling into
+your eyes - or just by staring into space.
+		-- Marilyn Monroe
+%
+The mother of the year should be a sterilized woman with two
+adopted children.
+		-- Paul Ehrlich
+%
+The moving finger having writ... gestures.
+%
+The moyel who treated young Alec
+Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic.
+	Presented the child
+	His aim was so wild
+He rendered the poor boy biphallic.
+%
+The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on
+their wedding night and reprimanded him severly.
+	"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at
+the dinner table."
+	Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair
+and climbed quietly between the sheets.  "Is that better?" he asked, with a
+hint of a smile.
+	"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
+	"Very good, darling," the husband whispered.  "Now would you
+be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"
+%
+The new cinematic emporium
+Is not just a super-sensorium,
+	But a highly effectual
+	Heterosexual
+Mutual masturbatorium.
+%
+The new local cinematorium
+Is not only a super sensorium,
+	But a highly effectual
+	Heterosexual
+Mutual masturbatorium.
+%
+The new priest was so nervous about performing his first mass that he could
+hardly speak.  He asked his Monsignor how he could relax.  The Monsignor
+replied that it might help relax him to add just a bit of vodka to the water
+pitcher.  The next Sunday, after following the Monsignor's advice, the priest
+returned to the rectory to find a note from that worthy.
+
+	1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
+	2. There are ten commandments, not 12.
+	3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
+	4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
+	5. The recommended grace before meals is not,
+		"Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yaaaay, God!"
+	6. Do not refer to our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and his
+		Apostles as "J.C. and the Boys".
+	7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
+	8. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred
+		to as, "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook".
+	9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never The Mary with the Cherry.
+	10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a
+		Taffy-Pulling Contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling
+		Contest at St. Taffy's.
+%
+The new rooster caused a great stir in the barnyard.  From resplendent comb
+to defiant spurs, he was the picture of young bantamhood.  Almost immediately
+upon arrival, he was greeted by and elderly rooster who took him behind the
+barn and whispered in his ear: "Young fellow, I'm long past my prime.  All I
+want now is peace and solitude.  So you take over right now as ruler of the
+roost with my blessings."
+	The newcomer did just that.  He went about his squirely duties as only
+a young rooster could.  After several days, however, the elder rooster again
+took the young champion behind the barn.  "Kid," he said, "the hens are after
+me for giving up my position so readily.  So why don't we have a race, say,
+ten laps around the farmhouse?  The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the
+henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me.
+	The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed.  
+Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead.  His counterpart, 
+weakened by the activities of the previous week, was never quite able to
+overtake him.  As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster 
+maintained a formidable lead.
+	Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out.  The young rooster fell in the 
+dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot.
+	"Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer.  "That's the last rooster we buy
+from Ferguson.  Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer."
+%
+The nipples of Sarah Sarong
+When excited are twelve inches long
+	This embarassed her lover 
+	Who was pained to discover
+She expected no less of his dong
+%
+The notorious Duchess of Peels
+Saw a fisherman fishing for eels.
+	Said she, "Would you mind? --
+	Shove one up my behind.
+I am anxious to know how it feels."
+%
+The office brown-noser named Bunky
+Would claim he was nobody's flunky.
+	But when the chips were all down,
+	His proboscis was brown,
+And there hung many strands which were gunky.
+%
+The old archeologist, Throstle,
+Discovered a marvelous fossil.
+	He knew from its bend
+	And the knot on the end,
+T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
+%
+The once was a man from Bombay
+Who modeled his cunts out of clay
+	So hot was his prick
+	That he turned them to brick
+And rubbed all his foreskin away.
+%
+The only difference between your current lover and a doorknob is
+that a doorknob warms up when you hold it.
+%
+The only difference between your girlfriend
+and a barracuda is the nailpolish.
+%
+The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist.
+		-- Stendhal
+%
+The only psychologically damaging thing about masturbation is
+that there's nobody else to blame later for persuading you to do it.
+%
+The only thing faster than the speed of light is shit flowing downhill.
+		-- Mike O'Dell
+%
+The only way for writers to meet is to share a quick pee over a common
+lamp-post.
+		-- Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir"
+%
+The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in
+bed with a dead girl or a live boy.
+		-- Edwin Edwards, Louisian governor
+%
+The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to
+her if she is pretty and to someone else if she is plain.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+The only way you'll ever hear from
+me is if you're living in the same hell.
+		-- Roy Harper
+%
+The operator's left hand quivered as she gingerly unlatched the
+catch to the diskette reader.  Uncontrollably, she reached down,
+guiding the sharply pointed diskette into the deep, dark slot.
+The floppy diskette nearly folded under the repeated thrusts of
+her hand, until finally she could control it no longer, her right
+hand instinctively taking an option zero.  And then it all came at
+once, thousands upon thousands of data bits flowing from diskette
+to disk in a torrent of torrid transfer, as the helpless legs
+of the 32 strained to remain on the floor.
+%
+The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
+%
+The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man.
+	"What is the meaning of this?" he demanded.  "Who is this fellow?"
+	"That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over.
+"What IS your name?"
+%
+The partition of Vavasour Scowles
+Was a sickener: they came on his bowels
+	In a firkin; his brain
+	Was found clogging a drain,
+And his toes were inside of some towels.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+The penis mightier than the sword.
+%
+the perfect worman:
+	Four feet tall, no teeth and a flat head so you can rest
+	your drink.
+
+	[Pistol-grip ears?  Ed.]
+%
+The pleasure is momentary,
+The position ridiculous,
+The expense damnable.
+		-- Chesterfield, on sex
+%
+The pleasure is transitory, the cost
+prohibitive, and the position ridiculous.
+		-- Disraeli, on sex
+%
+The plural of spouse is spice.
+		-- R.A. Heinlein
+%
+The police were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman
+who had jumped from a window of his 11th story office.  His voluptuous private
+secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had
+been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him a month ago.
+	"After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a
+twenty-dollar raise.  At the end of the second week he called me into his
+private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings
+and said, 'These are for a beautiful, efficient secretary.'  At the end of the
+third week he gave me a gorgeous mink stole.  Then, this afternoon, he called me
+into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet
+and asked me if I would consider making love to him and what it would cost.
+I told him I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it
+for five dollars, although I was charging all the other boys in the office ten
+dollars.  That's when he jumped out the window."
+%
+The poor little doe
+Crawled out of the woods,
+Tired, bedraggled and blue.
+"Look," she said, "What I did for a buck,
+I should have asked for two!"
+%
+The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon.  He stops
+for a moment, scratches his forehead, then asks a Cardinal, "Can you think
+of a four-letter word for `woman' that ends in `u-n-t'?"
+	"Aunt," replies the Cardinal.
+	"Say, thanks," says the Pope.  "You got an eraser?"
+%
+The prick of the engineer, Scott,
+Fell off from Saturnian rot.
+	He went to the basement
+	And made a replacement
+Of tungsten and plastic and snot.
+%
+The priest at Sunday mass noticed that Michael took a ten-dollar bill and two
+one-dollar bills from the collection plate, instead of putting something in.
+He thought to himself, I'd better watch out for Michael.  The next week he
+noticed the same thing.  So he waited outside church when mass was over, and
+as Michael came out, he accosted his and said,
+	"Michael, tell me -- why did you take out a ten-dollar bill and two
+singles two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?"
+	Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I
+wanted to go downtown for a blow job."
+	The priest looked suprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do
+that anymore.  I'll be watching you from now on."
+	When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed.
+Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent.  He said, "Mother,
+you've been such a great friend of mine, I have a question I need to ask you.
+What is a blow job?"
+	Mother Agatha replied, "Oh, twelve dollars, same as downtown."
+%
+The problem with being best man at a wedding
+is that you never get a chance to prove it.
+%
+The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's chances to become a
+Senator.  After all, if they won't allow California fruit out of the state,
+how is Brown going to get to Washington?
+%
+The public is an old woman.  Let her maunder and mumble.
+		-- Thomas Carlyle
+%
+The quality of a blow-job is determined by the
+length of sheet you have to pull out of your ass.
+%
+The randy old Bey of Algiers
+Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers,
+	Tried a cunt for a change,
+	And remarked : "It felt strange ...
+Just think what I've missed all these years!"
+%
+The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have
+to walk around in front every time you want to kiss her.
+%
+The real trouble with women is that they have *all* the pussy.
+%
+The reason big companies have lots and lots of meetings is because
+they can't masturbate.
+%
+The reason Roman Catholics are allowed to use the
+rhythm method of birth control is that it doesn't work.
+%
+The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located.
+%
+The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
+Called a girl a most elegant creature.
+	So she laid on her back
+	And, exposing her crack,
+Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!"
+%
+The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
+Called a hen a most elegant creature.
+	The hen, pleased with that,
+	Laid an egg in his hat --
+And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
+		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
+%
+The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR.
+%
+The rich man uses vaseline,
+	The poor man uses lard;
+The worker uses axle grease
+	But gets it twice as hard.
+%
+The romantic young man sat on the park bench with a first date.  He was
+certain his charming words and manner would win her as they had many others.
+	"Some moon out tonight,"he cooed.
+	"There certainly is," she agreed.
+	"Some really bright stars in the sky."
+	She nodded.
+	"Some dew on the grass."
+	"Some do," she said indignantly, "but I'm not that sort."
+%
+The San Francisco police are nothing if not sensitive to the mood of the
+community.  The word is that Dirty Harry has been replaced by Bitchy Gerald.
+%
+The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
+dishonorable discharge.  Without missing a beat, I said...
+	"It's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
+%
+The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth.
+		-- Diana Rigg
+%
+The sex life of spiders is very interesting.
+He fucks her.
+She bites his head off.
+		-- From a Women's Lib Poster
+%
+The sex was nice, but confusing.  The whole situation kept going di-polar
+on Sta-Hi.  One instant Misty would seem like a lovely warm girl who'd
+survived a terrible injury, like a lost puppy to be stroked, a lonely
+woman to be husbanded.  But then he'd start thinking of the wires behind
+her eyes, and he'd be screwing a machine, an inanimate object, a public
+toilet.  Just like with any other woman for him, really.
+		-- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
+%
+The Shah of the Empire of Persia
+Lay for days in a sexual merger.
+	When the nautch asked the Shah,
+	"Won't you ever withdraw?"
+He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."
+%
+The shy young man had been married for three months when he reported to his
+doctor that his marriage was still in name only.  The doctor, after hearing
+the sad tale, told him that waiting until bedtime to make advances was causing
+psychological pressure and advised him to take advantage of the next time he
+felt in the mood.  A week later, the doctor happened to meet the man again,
+and noticed a new spring in his step.  "My advice worked, I take it?" he
+inquired.
+	The young man grinned.  "Perfectly.  The other night, we were having
+supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she!  Our hands touched... It
+was as if an electric current ran through us.  I leaped to my feet, swept the
+dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage!  There's 
+just one problem, however.  We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..."
+%
+The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray
+At breakfast with horrid dismay,
+	So he launched off the spoons
+	The pits from his prunes
+At their heads as they neared the buffet.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+The skater, Barbara Ann Scott
+Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot,
+	That when posed on her toes
+	She elaborately shows
+Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat.
+%
+The spouse of a pretty young thing
+Came home from the wars in the spring.
+	He was lame but he came
+	With his dame like a flame --
+A discharge is a wondeful thing.
+%
+The star of that X-rated hit
+Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit.
+	This serves as a palace
+	For each turgid phallus--
+Some say that the plot is pure shit.
+%
+The Stealth Condom -- they'll never see you coming.
+%
+The struggling for knowledge has a pleasure in it
+like that of wrestling with a fine woman.
+		-- Lord Halifax
+%
+The Sultan was peeved with his harem,
+And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em.
+	He caught a big mouse
+	Which he loosed in the house.
+(Such confusion is called harem-scarem).
+%
+The sun was shining brightly		The breeze was blowing briskly,
+And I could hardly wait,		It made the flowers sway,
+To ponder at my window			The garden was enchanting
+And gaze at my estate.			On this inspiring day.
+
+My eyes fell on a little bird,		I smiled at him cheerfully
+With a beautiful yellow bill,		And gave him a crust of bread,
+I beckoned him to come and light	And then I closed the window
+Upon my window sill.			And smashed his fucking head.
+		-- "Good Morning", Debbie Smith
+%
+"The testes are cooler outside,"
+Said the doc to the curious bride,
+	"For the semen must no
+	Get too fucking hot,
+And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
+%
+"The testes are cooler outside,"
+Said the doc to the curious bride,
+	"For the semen must not
+	Get too fucking hot,
+And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
+%
+The three faithful things in life are money, a dog and an old woman.
+%
+The three most important parts of a stove: lifter, leg, and poker.
+%
+The three sexual positions during preganancy.
+
+During the first four months:	Missionary style
+During the second four months:	Doggie style
+And during the last month:	Coyote style
+
+Coyote style?
+	You sit by the hole and howl.
+%
+The time has come for kicking ass and taking names.
+%
+The townspeople stood in despair as the fire that had begun in a diner
+threatened to spread to adjoining homes.  Just then, a truck filled with
+farm workers came speeding down a hill toward the fire.  The crowd moved
+back and the truck drove right into the thickest of the flames.  The workers
+jumped out and beat at the fire with their coats, miraculously bringing the
+blaze under control.
+	The city fathers were so grateful for the men's heroism that they
+gave each a plaque and $1000.  After the ceremony, newsmen interviewed the
+driver and asked him what he was going to do with the money.
+	"You can be damned sure the first thing I'm gonna do," he replied,
+"is get the brakes fixed on that son-of-a-bitchin' truck!"
+%
+The truth about a woman often lasts longer than the woman is true.
+%
+The two couples were enjoying their vacation together at a resort hotel.  They
+were in the middle of a game of Scrabble in the lobby when a thunderstorm cut
+off the hotel's electricity, leaving little to do but retire to their rooms.
+Bill was a rather devout man, so before getting into bed with his companion,
+he said his prayers.  As he got under the covers, the lightning suddenly
+flashed through the window and he discovered that he was in the wrong room.
+He instantly jumped up and started to dash for the hallway.  "It's too late,
+called the girl from the bed, "my guy doesn't pray."
+%
+The two men feigned friendship but secretly hated each other's guts and took
+great pleasure in giving one another the needle on any and all occasions.
+This particular evening they met, quite by accident, at a popular bar.
+The conversation started innocently enough; then one, with sudden inspiration,
+ran his hand over the other's bald head and exclaimed,
+	"By God, Fred, that feels just like my wife's ass!"
+The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted,
+	"Well, I'll be damned, Jim, so it does, so it does!"
+%
+The two things that you should never lend out are your car
+or your woman.  Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one.
+%
+The Unitarians are really just a bunch of athiests who really
+like going to church.
+%
+The Utah version of this joke goes:
+	One of the Council of the Twelve runs breathlessly into the Presidents'
+office one day.  The President looks up and says "Brother, what is so important
+that you ran all the way here, losing your breath?"
+	The Council member finally regains his breath, and says "The Savior is
+in the lobby!!"
+	The President immediate starts for the door, crying "It has come!  The
+prophecies are fullfilled!  We are all about to be uplifted!"
+	The Council member says "Wait!  You didn't let me finish!  She's...
+black, and SHE IS PISSED!"
+%
+The very proper spinster didn't go out very often, but she had some important
+shopping to do that morning and so decided to have her lunch in what appeared
+to be a nice quiet respectable restaurant.  With the noontime crowd, many
+customers shared their tables with strangers; the spinster selected a seat
+next to an attractive, young office girl.  The girl finished her sandwich and
+coffee, then settled back and lit up a cigarette.  The older woman controlled
+herself for a few moments and then snapped,
+	"I'd rather commit adultery than smoke in public."
+	"So would I," said the girl, "but I only have half an hour for lunch."
+%
+The voters have spoken, the bastards...
+%
+The wages of sin are high -- unless you know someone who does it for nothing.
+%
+The warden of the De Luxington preparatory school for boys was holding a
+hearing.  The lad before his desk, a very popular young fellow, was angrily
+accusing one of his schoolmates of having assaulted him sexually.
+	"I must warn you, m'boy, this is a very serious charge, the warden
+said.
+	"I don't care.  I tell you it is true.  He raped me, warden."  The
+youth pointed to another, somewhat larger boy smirking in the corner.
+"That's him, sir, the one who forced me to do all those crimes against
+nature.  The bully!"
+	"Now tell me, son, as closely as you can, when this happened."
+	"Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same 
+evening, on Friday, twice on Saturday, two times on Monday, once on
+Wednesday, and then he met that bitch Roy and he hasn't touched me since."
+%
+The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the
+absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum.
+		-- Havelock Ellis
+%
+The wife of young Richard of Limerick
+Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick,
+	Still grows in diameter
+	Each time that you ram at her;
+How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?"
+%
+The woman who lives on the moon
+Is still cherishing the balloon
+	Of an earthling who'd come
+	And given her some,
+But had dribbled away all too soon.
+%
+The woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a great
+deal of money.  The woman who gives herself takes all your time.
+		-- Balzac
+%
+The word `spine' is, of course, an anagram of `penis'.  This is true in
+almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people have
+attempted to explain why.  Usually these explanations get bogged down in
+silly puns about "standing erect".
+%
+The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter
+Is not merely reading a meter.
+	By orders of Kirk
+	A part of his work
+Is dosing the food with saltpeter.
+%
+The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
+%
+The world is so full of a number of things,
+I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings.
+	I'll tell you a story--
+	It won't take me long--
+Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song.
+
+There was an old fellow and what do you think?
+He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink.
+	He whacked it, he hacked it,
+	He ate it with glee-
+Was there ever a fellow so happy as he?
+
+This charming old chap had a sister as well :
+She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell.
+	Her cunt was so dirty
+	It stank like a beast,
+And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast.
+
+What a wonderful family!  What marvellous style!
+I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile.
+	Their odor and diet
+	Won't soon be forgotton,
+And one day you and I may be equally rotten.
+%
+The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her
+first visit home since starting college.
+	"Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed.  "I lost my virginity
+last weekend."
+	"I'm not suprised," said her mother.  "It was bound to happen sooner
+or later.  I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
+	"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked.  "The first eight
+guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore."
+%
+The young stud walked into a bordello.  After he took his clothes off, the
+woman was puzzled to see him put a clothespin on his nose, stuff cotton in
+his ears, and put a prophylactic on his penis.
+	"Hey," she asked, "what the hell are you doing?"
+	"Well, ma'am", replied the stud, "there are two things I just can't
+stand.  A screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber."
+%
+Then there was the girl who was engaged
+to a gymnast -- 'til he broke it off.
+%
+Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or 
+swear, and never, ever made a pass at her.  He also made his own dresses.
+%
+Then there was the guy that got badly messed up fighting
+for his girl's honor.  It seems she wanted to keep it.
+%
+Then there was the middle-aged businessman who took his spouse to Paris.
+After traipsing with her from one mansion du couture to another, be begged
+for a day off to rest and got it.  With the wife gone shopping again, he
+went to the Ritz Bar and picked up a luscious parisienne.  They got on
+well until the question of money came up.  She wanted a hundred American
+dollars; he offered fifty.  They couldn't get together on the price; so
+they didn't get together.  That evening he escorted his wife to one of the
+nicer restaurants on the Rue de Rivoli, and there he spotted his gorgeous
+babe of the afternoon seated at a table near the door.
+	"See, monsieur?" she said as they passed her.  "Look what you got
+for your lousy fifty bucks."
+%
+Then there was the Scot that wanted to rob a jewelry store -- he tossed a
+brick through the show window and ran off with a king's ransom.  They
+caught him when he came back for the brick.
+%
+There are a couple of things about her I greatly admire.
+%
+There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists,	Every sperm is sacred,
+there are Hindus and Mormons and then			Every sperm is great,
+there are those that follow Mohammed  ...But...		If a sperm is wasted,
+I've never been one of them.				God gets quite irate.
+
+I am a Roman Catholic					Every sperm is wanted,
+And have been since before I was born,			Every sperm is good.
+And the one thing they say about Catholics is		Every sperm is needed,
+They'll take you as soon as you're warm.		In your neighborhood.
+
+You don't have to be a six-footer.		Let the heathens spill theirs,
+You don't have to have a great brain.		On the dusty ground.
+You don't have to have any clothes on,		God shall make them pay for
+You're a Catholic the moment Dad came		Each sperm that can't be found.
+...Because...
+
+Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,				Every sperm is useful,
+spill theirs just anywhere			Every sperm is fine.
+but God loves those who treat their		God needs everybodies,
+semen with more care.				Mine, and mine, and mine.
+		-- Monty Python, "Every Sperm is Sacred"
+%
+There are many ways to say "I love you", but fucking is the fastest.
+%
+There are only six Democrats in all of Hinsdale County and you, you son of
+a bitch, you ate five of them.
+		-- Colorado judge, sentencing Alfred E. Packer for
+		   cannibalism in 1874.
+%
+There are so many people wanting a piece of my ass that some of them
+are having to take turns.
+		-- T.K.
+%
+There are some things we mustn't expose,
+So we hide them away in our clothes.
+	Oh, it's shocking to stare
+	At what's certainly there--
+But why this is so, heaven knows.
+%
+There are three women on the fast track in a particular company.  The
+president realizes it's time to promote one of them, but they're all so
+competent that he's not sure which one to choose.  So he devises a little
+test.  One day while they're all at lunch, he places $500 on each of their
+desks.  #1 returns it to him immediately.  #2 pockets it.  #3 invests
+in the market and returns $1,500 to him in the morning.  Who gets the
+promotion?  The one with the big tits!
+%
+There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
+%
+There are two trees in the forest.  They are very proud trees.  One day
+they notice a sapling half-way between them.
+	One tree proclaims, "That is a son of beech!"
+	"No, that is a son of a birch!" insists the other.
+	"A son of a BEECH!"
+	"A son of a BIRCH!"
+	"Son of a beech!"
+	"Son of a birch!"
+
+The fighting attracts a woodpecker who informs them that he can tell what
+kind of tree the sapling is by its taste.  First he tastes the beech and
+the birch.  Then he tastes the sapling.  "Well now, is that a son of a
+beech or a son of a birch?" asks the beech.
+	"You're both wrong!" says the bird.  "That's the best piece of ash
+I've had my pecker in for a long time!"
+%
+There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a  
+woman's breasts.  One is not enough and three are too many.
+%
+There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco --
+the pervertible.  The top doesn't go down, but the driver does.
+%
+There is a young faggot named Mose
+Who insists that you fuck his long nose.
+	And you'll double the joy
+	Of this lecherous boy
+If you'll tickle his balls with your toes.
+%
+There is a young lady named Aird,
+Whose bottom is always kept bared.
+	When asked why she pouts,
+	She says "The Boy Scouts,
+All beg me to please Be Prepared!"
+%
+There is nothing as overrated as a bad
+lay, or as underrated as a great shit.
+%
+There is nothing wrong with screwing everyone in sight.
+Boring your friends about it is the sin.
+		-- Mama Liz
+%
+There once was a Sailor who looked through a glass
+And spied a fair mermaid with scales on her... island.
+Where seagulls flew over their nest.
+She combed the long hair which hung over her... shoulders.
+And caused her to tickle and itch.
+The sailor cried out "There's a beautiful... mermaid.
+A sittin' out there on the rocks."
+The crew came a running, all grabbing their... glasses.
+And crowded four deep to the rail.
+All eager to share in this fine piece of... news.
+...
+"Throw out a line and we'll lasso her... flippers.
+And soon we will certainly find
+If mermaids are better before or be... brave
+My dear fellows," The captain cried out.
+And cursing with spleen.
+This song may be dull, but it's certainly clean.
+		-- "The Clean Song", Oscar Brandt
+%
+There was a man who, every day, would buy a newspaper on the way to work,
+glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy.  Day after day the
+man would go through this routine.  Finally the newsboy could not stand it
+and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the
+front page before discarding it?"
+	The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries."
+	"But they are on page 21.  You never even unfold the newspaper."
+	"Young man," he replied, "the son-of-a-bitch I'm looking for will
+be on the front page."
+		-- Attributed to FDR.
+%
+There was a young man hitchiking along a road one day.  A car stopped and the
+driver opened the door and asked, "What political party are you with?"
+	He replied, "Why, I'm a Democrat."
+	And the driver slammed the door and rode off.  The guy was pretty
+discouraged when another car came along, and the driver asked the same
+question.
+	The guy answered, "Uh, I'm a Democrat."
+	And again, the driver slammed the door and rode off.  Now he was
+downright confused when another car came along.  The driver was an attractive
+lady, and she asked the same question.
+	He answered: "I'm a Republican."
+	And she answered, "Well, then, hop on in."
+	They drove on for a few minutes when he began to notice that her
+skirt was beginning to get hiked up on her thighs.  Finally, he couldn't take
+it any more, and said "Ma'am, stop the car and let me out.  I've only been
+a Republican for 15 minutes, and already I feel like screwing someone!"
+%
+There was a young tenor named Springer,
+Got his testicles caught in a wringer.
+	He hollered in pain,
+	As they rolled down the drain,
+"There goes my career as a singer!"
+%
+There was once a newly-married couple.  Now these two lovers were, well,
+rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on",
+or "boffing the brains out".  So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing
+the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up. 
+	One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry 
+tonite?", and she consented.  The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie, 
+feel like doing some laundry tonite?"  Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood, 
+but complied.  On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to 
+participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not 
+in the mood for doing any laundry tonite."
+	Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom 
+and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead.  Upon returning to the living
+room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing
+some laundry?"  To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small
+load!" 
+%
+There was once a salesman who had an outstanding record for selling tooth-
+brushes.  His boss, wondering at his unlikely success, sent a man out to
+follow the salesman on rounds to see what pitch he gave that brought such
+good results.  It was soon found that this particular salesman went to the
+corner of a busy street and opened up his briefcase, and on one side was the
+assortment of toothbrushes, and on the other side various chips and garnishes
+and a bowl of brownish stuff.  He would grab a likely customer and give them
+the following pitch.
+	"Good morning, ma'am, this is a commercial promotion for --- brand
+of chip dip.  Would you care to give it a try?"
+	At that point the person would try it, then spit it out and scream
+in utter disgust, "This tastes like shit!"
+	The salesman would smile and say, "It is.  You want to buy a
+toothbrush?"
+%
+There was something about her I liked,
+but I couldn't put my finger on it.
+%
+There were the Scots
+Who kept the Sabbath
+And everything else they could lay their hands on.
+Then there were the Welsh
+Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.
+Thirdly there were the Irish
+Who never knew what they wanted
+But were willing to fight for it anyway.
+Lastly there were the English
+Who considered themselves a self-made nation
+Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
+%
+There's a handsome boy who tells me how I've changed his past.  He buys me
+a brandy...  Could it be he's really just after my ass?
+		-- Pete Townshend, "How Many Friends"
+%
+There's a tendency today to absolve individuals from moral responsibility and
+treat them as victims of social circumstance.  You buy that, you pay with your
+soul.  It's not men who limit women, it's not straights who limit gays, it's
+not whites who limit blacks.  What limits people is lack of character.  What
+limits people is that they don't have the fucking nerve or imagination to star
+in their own movie, let alone direct it.
+		-- Bernard Mickey Wrangle
+%
+There's a vas deferens between men and women.
+%
+There's amnesia in a hangknot,
+And comfort in the ax,
+But the simple way of poison will make your nerves relax.
+	There's surcease in a gunshot,
+	And sleep that comes from racks,
+	But a handy draft of poison avoids the harshest tax.
+You find rest on the hot squat,
+Or gas can give you pax,
+But the closest corner chemist has peace in packaged stacks.
+	There's refuge in the church lot
+	When you tire of facing facts,
+	And the smoothest route is poison prescribed by kindly quacks.
+Chorus:	With an *ugh!* and a groan, and a kick of the heels,
+	Death comes quiet, or it comes with squeals --
+	But the pleasantest place to find your end
+	Is a cup of cheer from the hand of a friend.
+		-- Jubal Harshaw, "One For The Road"
+%
+There's many a slurp t'wixt the tip and the zip.
+%
+There's more than one way to skin a cat:
+	Way #3  -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
+	Way #27 -- Use an electric sander.
+	Way #32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
+	Way #33 -- A bicycle pump.
+%
+There's nothing better than good sex.  But bad sex?
+A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
+		-- Billy Joel
+%
+There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
+		-- David Mairowitz
+%
+They ought to make butt-flavored cat food.
+		-- Gallagher
+%
+They watched the sun slowly sink behind the hills, and the fiery glow on the
+lake fade into darkness. He eyed her shadowy figure, accentuated by the moon-
+light, as the tension from within began to fuel his animalistic desires.
+She followed him, ever so quietly, as they sought a secluded corner in the
+barn.  Alone!  At last.  His hands roamed about her soft back, around to her
+thighs, and finally caressed her budding nipples.  Oh, how smooth and succulent
+she was!  "Was it so wrong?", he asked himself.  No, he thought, for his
+father had done it, as did his own father, ad infinitum.  The boiling,
+uncontrollable rage within him became unbearable.  She signalled her eagerness,
+spreading her legs, as he grasped her nipples again.  Stroking, again and
+again, longer each time.  It began coming; again, again, again, again.  His
+mind raced with fear "Will it stop?".  Exhausted, he lay down beside her.
+"Dear God, what have I done?".  Suddenly, his father burst in.  His eyes
+burned as he stared for what seemed an eternity.  Finally, his father spoke.
+	"Son, you ain't supposed to milk the damn cow till mornin'!"
+%
+This Czech walks into police station in 1968 during the Fraternal Assistance.
+Czech:	Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and
+	took my Russian watch.
+Desk Sergeant:	Come again?
+Czech:	Right out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and
+	took my Russian watch.
+DS:	You're confused.   Why would there be a Swiss soldier here?  And who
+	would want to own a Russian watch?  It was a Russian soldier who
+	knocked you down and took your Swiss watch, right?
+Czech:	Well, maybe, but you said it, not me.
+%
+This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night.  Men and women
+stood three-deep at the bar.  Our man, who felt nature calling strongly, 
+looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john.  He saw a 
+stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly 
+desperate search.  Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a 
+one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor.  Now, at the end of his control, he 
+decided to take advantage of the hole.  He dropped his pants, hunched over it, 
+and did his thing.  Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the 
+steps to find, to his suprise, that the crowded bar was now empty.
+	"Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?"
+	From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey!  Where were you when
+the shit hit the fan?"
+%
+This guy makes an appointment with a doctor because his hemorrhoids are
+really bothering him.  The doctor gives him some suppositories and tells
+him to come back in a week for a checkup.  "How's it going?" he asks
+the patient a week later.
+	"I gotta tell you the truth, Doc," said the man.  "For all the
+good these pills did me, I coulda shoved them up my ass."
+%
+This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but two
+-- black eyes; a coupla real shiners.  He chanced upon his buddy walkin' th'
+other way... they stopped to talk...  "Hey guy," sez his buddy, "where'd'ja
+git them good lookin' shiners?  Musta been a helluva fight."
+	"Well, actually, I got them in church," sez he.
+	"Nowwaitaminnit," sez the friend, "nobody gits black eyes in church!"
+	"I swear I did," sez he, "and here's how it happened.  We all got up
+to sing a hymn, you see, and the fat lady in front of me got her dress all
+stuck up in the crack of her butt, so bein' as how I'm a real gennulman an'
+all, well, I leaned forward and pulled it out for her.  And you know what?
+She just turned around, hauled off and slugged me one!"
+	"Well," his buddy replies, after he can talk again, "that shore 'nuff
+explains one of 'em.  Howdja git th' other one?"
+	"Well," sez he, "like I said, I'm a gennulman, even when somebody does
+me wrong, so when I saw she didn't like it like that, I stuck it back in."
+%
+This guy walks into a bank and up to a female bank teller:
+
+Man:	"I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
+Teller:	"Excuse me, sir?"
+M:	"Listen, bitch, I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
+T:	"Sir, I don't have to listen to this abusive language."
+M:	"LOOK!  I just want to open a fuckin' savings account."
+T:	"Sir, you leave me no choice but to speak to the manager."
+
+The teller walks over and explains the customer's rude behavior to the bank
+manager who then accompanies her back to the teller booth.
+
+Mgr:	"Can I help you, sir?"
+M:	"I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
+Mgr:	"Please, sir, we'll be delighted to help you, but we must request
+	that you not use abusive language to our tellers."
+M:	"Look. I just won $25 million in the state lottery and I want to
+	open a fuckin' savings account!"
+Mgr:	"I see.  And has this cunt been giving you any trouble?"
+%
+This guy was screwing his neighbors wife when a car pulls into the drive.
+"My husband!" she screams.  He panics and jumps out the window. He finds
+himself on the street, naked, under cloudy skies. There is no place to hide
+except in a crowd of joggers.  As he runs along, a woman looks over and says,
+	"Do you always jog in the nude?"
+	"Yes ma'am!" he replies.
+	"Does it always result in that kind of sexual excitement?" she asks.
+	"Yes ma'am!" he replies.
+	"Do you always wear a condom?"
+	"Only when it rains, lady.  Only when it rains."
+%
+This here's the wattle
+The emblem of our land
+You can stick it in a bottle
+Or you can hold it in your hand.
+		-- Monty Python
+%
+This hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted.  He
+obviously had had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks
+and was looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon.  Swinging
+off his horse and hitching it to the rail, the cowboy gave his horse an
+affectionate slap on the neck.  Then he astonished an old cowhand lounging
+on the porch by moving around to the horse's hindquarters, lifting up its
+tail and planting a demure kiss on its asshole.
+	"What'd you do that for?" asked the cowhand, completely repulsed.
+	"Chapped lips," said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors.
+	"Wait a minute," said the old guy.  "Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?"
+	"Keeps ya from lickin' 'em," explained the cowboy.
+%
+This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system.
+If this had been an actual emergency, you would have known it!
+%
+This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
+%
+This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you.
+So I'll put in "di-dah" for the filthy words.
+
+	Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
+	Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
+		Di-dah di-dah di-dah?
+		Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
+	Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
+%
+This story concerns a man who, after putting his son to bed each night, would
+stand by his boy's door and listen to his son saying his prayers.  One night,
+the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Granddad, who won't be
+with us much longer."  The man thought this was rather curious, but passed it
+off as childish whimsy.  The next day, however, he received a call from his
+mother, informing him that his father had passed away early that morning.
+During the next few weeks, he listened particularly closely to his son's
+prayers, but noticed nothing unusual.  Then, one night, the boy ended his
+prayers with, "God specially bless Grandmom, who won't be with us much longer."
+Although the shock of the original incident had worn off during the intervening
+weeks, he nontheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health.  He went to
+bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the
+news that their mother had died suddenly in the night.  The father had a series
+of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered.  About a month 
+later, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Daddy, who won't
+be with us much longer."  The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was 
+going to die during the night.  He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake 
+and alert he should be able to prevent any tragedy.  Morning came.  Breathing
+a huge sigh of relief, he went to get the paper off the porch.  There, lying
+dead on the doorstep, was the milkman.
+%
+This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore.
+%
+This time it's for love; next time it's $100.00.
+%
+THORNY:
+	A thailor at thea.
+%
+Thou shalt not omit adultery.
+%
+Thought:
+	Girls get minks the same way minks get minks!
+%
+Three fine Irish lads, O'Rourke, O'Malley and O'Donnell, worked together at
+the local brewery.  One day, as fate would have it, O'Rourke fell into one
+of the beer vats and drowned.  O'Malley and O'Donnell, completely crestfallen,
+had to break the news to his wife.
+	They went 'round the Widow O'Rourke's house and informed her that her
+poor dear Patrick had drowned in a beer vat that very day.  Choking back her
+tears, she asked them "Tell me now, did me poor Patty suffer much?"
+	"I don't think so," replied O'Donnell. "He climbed out twice to take
+a piss."
+%
+Three gay guys were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would
+be.  The first decides on football, 'cause of all those gorgeous guys bending
+over in their tight pants.
+	"Definitely wrestling," sighs the second guy.  "Those skimpy little
+costumes, and think of the holds."
+	"Definitely baseball," says the third guy.  "Why?  Well, I'd be
+pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a savage one-hopper
+right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys
+rounded the bases.  Meanwhile, the crowd would be going crazy, screaming,
+`Throw the ball, you cocksucker!' and that's what I like -- recognition!"
+%
+Three minutes of serious sex and I need eight hours of sleep and
+a bowl of Wheaties.
+		-- Richard Pryor
+%
+Three things have been difficult to tame: The oceans, fools,
+and women. We may soon be able to tame the ocean.  Fools and
+women will take a little longer.
+		-- Spiro Agnew
+%
+Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard.  When it rains,
+however, the laundry always gets wet.  All the laundry, that is, except
+for Laurie's.  Laurie never seems to have her laundry out when it rains.
+	So, one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes
+on the line when one of the women says to Laurie, "Laurie, how come when it
+never rains when you have your laundry out?"
+	"Well," replies Laurie, "when I wake up in the morning, I check out
+my husband Paul.  If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's
+going to be a great day.  If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know
+it might rain.  I don't know why it works, but he's never been wrong!"
+	"Laurie, what if he has an erection?" asks the other woman.
+	"Honey, on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry."
+%
+Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the 
+better universities.  During a lecture the professor stated that he was 
+going to test their ability at situation reasoning.
+	"Let us assume," said the prof, "that you are aboard a small craft
+alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several
+sex-starved sailors on board.  What would you do in this situation to avoid
+the problem?"
+	"I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction and
+flee," said the first girl.
+	"I would pass them, and hope that I could fend them off," responded
+the second woman.
+	"Frankly," murmured the third woman, "I understand the situation,
+but I fail to see the problem."
+%
+three-bag ugly, adj:
+	That's when you put one bag over her head, one bag over your
+	head in case her's falls off, and one over the dog's to keep
+	it from howling.
+
+four-bag ugly, adj:
+	When you leave a bag by the door in case someone drops by.
+%
+Through a major bureaucratic error, you are made county coroner.
+You seriously consider the job because it gives you:
+
+	1: Lots of unclaimed wedding rings and watches.
+	2: Lots of gold fillings and bridges.
+	3: Free blood.
+	4: A constantly changing array of new friends who aren't at
+	   all stuffy about what happens to their genitalia.
+%
+Tim and I a hunting went
+We found three damsels in a tent,
+As they were three, and we were two,
+I bucked one and Timbuktu.
+		-- the only known poem using the word "Timbuktu"
+%
+'Tis the dream of each programmer,
+Before his life is done,
+To write three lines of APL,
+And make the damn things run.
+%
+To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
+%
+To be the kind of girl designed to be kissed between the thighs.
+%
+To win a woman in the first place one must please her, then undress her, and
+then somehow get her clothes back on her.  Finally, so she will allow you
+to leave her, you've got to annoy her.
+		-- Jean Giraudoux, "Amphitryon 38"
+%
+Today is gonna be one helluva week!
+%
+Todays title:
+	Creative Violence in Sexual Relationships
+%
+Tonight's piss is tommorrow's Tang.
+		-- An American astronaut
+%
+tourist, n:
+	A pretty girl in Oklahoma.
+%
+Tourist to New Yorker:
+	"Pardon me, sir, do you know what time it is, or should I
+	just go fuck myself?"
+%
+transvestite, n:
+	Someone who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
+%
+Tri Delts; everyone else has.
+%
+TRUST:
+	Two cannibals having oral sex.
+%
+trust me:
+	Los Angeles for "Fuck you, your mother, and the horse
+	she rode in on."
+%
+T-shirt of the Day:
+	Head for the Mountains
+		-- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer
+
+Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background):
+	If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch!
+		-- courtesy someone else
+%
+T-shirt of the Day:
+
+	See Dick Drink...
+	See Dick Drive...
+	See Dick Die.
+	DON'T BE A DICK.
+%
+T-shirt of the Week:
+	I'm not excited, I'm cold!
+%
+'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
+Did groove and trip out at the pad:	"Beware the Radcliff girl, my son!
+All whimsy were the slamming chicks,	The looks that mell, the claws that
+And the Radcliffe undergrad.			catch!
+					Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun
+He took his venerable staff in hand:	The uppity Wellesleysnatch!"
+Long time the cool young stuff he
+	sought --			And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
+So rested he among the spree		The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
+And paused to smoke some pot.		Crept past the hippies getting balled
+					And doffed her miniskirt.
+One, two!  One, two!  And through
+	and through			"And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
+The venerable staff went snicker-snack!	Come to my arms, my horny boy!
+He left her bred, sans maidenhead,	O spaced-out day!  Calooh!  Callay!"
+And went galumphing back.		He cackled in his joy.
+
+'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
+Did groove and trip out at the pad:
+All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
+And the Radcliffe undergrad.
+%
+Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but
+twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building.
+		-- Wilde
+%
+Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time.
+The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol.  On the other
+side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold
+watch.
+	The next day, in school, the two boys are showing each other what
+they got.  It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and
+so they trade.
+	That night, the Italian boy is at home and his father sees him
+looking at his new watch.  "Where did you getta thatta watch?" he asks.
+	The boy explains the trade, and the father blows his top.  "Whatta
+you?  Stupidda boy?  Whatsa matta you!"
+	"Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married.  Then maybe somma day
+you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man.  Whatta
+you gonna do then?  Looka atta you watch and say, `How longa you gonna be?'"
+%
+Two gentlemen met at the club after a long absence and talked.
+	"Did you hear about Chumley?", one asked.
+	"No, old man, what about him?"
+	"Last seen in Africa, you know."
+	"No, I didn't."
+	"Yes.  Appalling.  Ran off with a gorilla.  Fallen in love."
+	"Queer."
+	"Not Chumley.  Female gorilla."
+%
+Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them
+whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed
+like hours.
+	"I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward
+the women.  Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel
+and went back to where his companion was waiting.
+	"Can't do it," he explained, sheepishly.  "One of them's my wife
+and the other's my mistress!"
+	"I'll ask," said Jim.  He started off, only to turn and come back
+before reaching the green.
+	"What's wrong?" Bill asked.
+	"Small world, isn't it?"
+%
+Two men and a woman were stranded on a desert island -
+
+Two weeks later, the woman was so ashamed of what she
+had been doing, she committed suicide.
+
+Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they
+had been doing, they buried her.
+
+Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they
+had been doing, they dug her back up.
+%
+Two men, both close to retirement, are working on the assembly line.  One
+boasts to the other, "Last night I made love to my wife *three* times!"
+	"Three times!", replies his friend.  "How did you do it?"
+	"Well," says the first man, "I made love to my wife and set the
+alarm clock for two hours later.  When it went off we made love again.
+Then, I reset it for the morning and we made love once more before I came
+to work.  I feel like a bull!"
+	His friend says, "Well, that *is* fantastic!  I'm going to have
+to give it a try."  So, he goes home that night and makes love to his
+wife.  Figuring he doesn't need to set the alarm clock, he settles off
+to sleep.  Waking up a few hours later, he nudges his wife and they make love
+again.  Waking up in the morning he makes love to his wife for the third
+time.  Looking over at the clock he realizes that he's twenty minutes late
+for work.  He throws on his clothes and runs down to the subway.  When
+he gets to the factory his boss is standing there waiting.
+	"Frank", he says, "I've been working for you for 18 years, and I've
+never been late before.  You've got to forgive me twenty minutes this once!"
+	"Well," replies his boss, "okay, but it's not the twenty minutes
+that had me worried.  Where were you Tuesday, where were you Wednesday..."
+%
+Two men were standing around talking while nearby a large German Shepherd
+lay licking his balls.  One man says to the other, "Damn, I wish I could
+do that."
+	The other man replies, "Well, it's okay by me, but I think you
+ought to get to know him a little first."
+%
+Two midgets arrived at the convent door and asked to speak with the Mother
+Superior.  Led into her office, the first one asked respectfully "Excuse
+me, your holiness, but are there any midget nuns in this convent?"
+	Receiving a reply to the negative, he asked whether any midget
+nuns were to be found in any of the neighboring parish.  Again the reply
+was no.
+	The tiny man scratched his head and posed a final question.  "Beggin'
+your pardon, Mother Superior, but would you know of *any* midget nuns at
+all, anywhere?"  The nun shook her head.
+	At which the first midget turned to the second midget, put his hand
+on his shoulder, and said, "You see, I told you you fucked a penguin!"
+%
+Two nuns, a mother superior and a new nun, are walking home one night from
+church when they are attacked by two vicious rapists.  The two men drag the
+nuns off into the bushes and proceed to have their way with them.  The mother
+superior is very afraid, but she knows that God will protect her.  To show her
+strength and trust in God she yells out "Forgive him Father, for he knows not
+what he does!"
+	To which the young nun replies "Oooooh, mine does!!"
+%
+Two old men are walking down the boardwalk when one of them tells the other
+that he has to leave, his wife is expecting him to come home and make love
+with her.
+	The other man is astonished.  "Make love to your wife?  You're as old
+as I am!  Nearly eighty years old!  What do you mean you have to go home and
+make love to your wife?"
+	The first man smiles and says, "We have a *great* sex life.  We make
+love every day."
+	"You're kidding!" says his friend.  "How do you do it?"
+	"Pumpernickel bread.  That's the secret."  And he dashes off home.
+	The other man starts to walk home.  "Hmmm," he thinks to himself
+pumpernickel bread.  Well, it's worth a try."  So he goes into a nearby
+bakery.
+	Going up to the woman at the counter, he asks for their entire stock
+of pumpernickel bread.  The woman stares at him in astonishment.  "You want
+all the pumpernickel bread we have?  Are you sure?  Don't you know that it
+will get hard?"
+	"How come," demands the man, "everybody knows about this but me?"
+%
+Two Peace Corp. doctors who had just returned to a stateside hospital
+were in front of the main desk in the midst of a heated argument that
+went along these lines:
+	(1st doctor)	"No, no, no! It's 'waaaahmmmb'"
+	(2nd doctor)	"No you're wrong! It's 'woooooommmb'"
+and this continued for quite sometime.
+	Finally a nurse stepped in and said: "The correct pronunciation is
+'womb'" and trotted off.
+	(1st doctor)	"That shows you what she knows."
+	(2nd doctor)	"Yeah.  I bet she's never even SEEN a hippopotamus,
+let alone heard one fart underwater."
+%
+Two pirates are sitting in a seaside tavern, talking.  One of them has a
+hook instead of a hand, and an eye patch.  The other pirate has a wooden
+leg.  Over a few beers, they start to tell each other how they received their
+injuries.
+	"One day," says the first pirate, "we had pulled alongside a merchant
+vessel and were boarding her.  I had my sword drawn when suddenly a man with
+a saber caught me by surprise and cut my hand off.  So I had this hook put
+on.  How did you lose your leg?"
+	"From a broadside of grapeshot from an English military vessel, in a
+terrific battle off the coast of France.  And how about your eye?"
+	"Well, I don't really like to talk about it," said the first pirate.
+	"Come on," says the second pirate.  "It doesn't matter after all
+these years, does it?"
+	"Oh, okay," says the first pirate.  "See, it's pretty embarrassing;
+a seagull shit in my eye."
+	"A seagull!?  I can see how that would hurt, but I don't see why
+you would *lose* the eye..."
+	"But," the first pirate says, "it was my first day with the hook."
+%
+Two recent emigrants to the United States, on their first day off the boat
+in New York City, spied a hotdog vendor.  "Do they eat dogs in America?"
+one asked his companion.
+	"I don't know."
+	"Well, if we're going to live in America, we have to learn to eat
+American foods."
+	So they each bought a wax paper wrapped hotdog and sat down to eat
+them on a nearby park bench.  One man looked inside his wax paper, then over
+at the other man, and asked, "So, what part did you get?"
+%
+Two women are talking; one says to the other, "Say, weren't you dating that
+cute French horn player?  What ever happened to him?"
+	"Well," replies her friend, we're still seeing each other, but,
+I must admit, we've had some problems."
+	"Problems?  What's wrong?"
+	"You see," says the second woman, "every time he kisses me, he
+wants to shove his fist up my ass."
+%
+Two young men seated in a restaurant were watching a customer busily
+disposing of a plate of oysters on the half shell.  One of the young
+men remarked to his friend,
+	"Did you ever hear that business about raw oysters being
+good for a man's virility?"
+	"Yes, why?" the friend replied.
+	"Well, take it from me, that's a lot of foolishness.  I ate a
+dozen of them the other night, and only nine worked."
+%
+Un moine au milieu de la messe		A monk in the middle of mass
+S'eleva et cria en detresse;		Stood up and cried out in distress;
+	"La vie religieuse,			"The religious life
+	C'est sale et affreuse,"		Is dirty and horrid,"
+Et se poignarda dans les fesses.	And stabbed himself in the ass.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+Uncle Sam comes off as the perverted relative who'll offer you a
+bit of candy, but if you won't bend over for him, you get a beating.
+%
+Unfair animal names:
+
+-- tsetse fly			-- bullhead
+-- booby			-- duck-billed platypus
+-- sapsucker			-- Clarence
+		-- Gary Larson
+%
+Unitarians pray "To whom it may concern".
+%
+Unix programmers do it with pipes.
+%
+Upon leaving a hotel bar one evening, an executive noticed a drunk sitting
+on the edge of a potted palm in the lobby, crying like a baby.  Because he'd
+had a couple himself that night, and was feeling rather sorry for his fellow
+man, he asked the inebriated one what the trouble was.
+	"I did a terrible thing tonight," sniffled the drunk.  "I sold my
+wife to a guy for a bottle of Scotch."
+	"That is terrible," said the man, too much under the weather to 
+muster any real indignation.  "And now that she's gone, you wish you had her
+back."
+	"Thas right," said the drunk, still sniffling.
+	"You're sorry you sold her, because you realize too late that you
+love her," sympathized the executive.
+	"No, no," said the drunk.  "I wish I had her back because I'm
+thirsty again."
+%
+U.S. of A.:
+	"Don't speak to the bus driver."
+Germany:
+	"It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver."
+England:
+	"You are requested to refrain from speaking to the driver."
+Scotland:
+	"What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?"
+Italy:
+	"Don't answer the driver."
+%
+Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
+
+AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN.
+	Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
+
+FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.
+	I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down
+	on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
+
+SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH QEH GOFTEH BANDE.
+	I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
+%
+Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
+
+AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST.
+	It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to
+	travel in the trunk of your car.
+
+FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO
+GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHVAREHMAN.
+	If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital
+	appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my
+	country in public.
+
+KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMRIKAHEY.
+	I will tell you the names and addresses of
+	many American spies traveling as reporters.
+%
+Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
+
+MAMNOUNAN GHORBAN IN DAFAYEH MEEMUNAM.
+	It is with greatest pleasure that I sign
+	this confession of capital crimes.
+
+MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN.
+	The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
+
+TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.
+	The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you.
+	I must have the recipe.
+
+ETEHFOR'AN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE
+DO HAFTAEH BA BODANEH SHEEREEL TEEGZ.
+	Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed 
+	self than spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs.
+%
+USENET is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea --
+massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and
+a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least
+expect it.
+		-- Gene Spafford
+%
+User friendly software searching for friendly Hardware to interface with.
+Hardware may present itself in floppy format as software has capability to
+upgrading same to full size firm.  Size is not all that important; but byte
+sized bandwith required -- header width is of more concern.  Joystick should
+be able to toggle in different speeds and for some duration.  Software is
+looking for system willing to perform intensive manipulation of keyboard as
+well as preparing the mainframe and disk drives.  Fingering of all files
+permitted, and encouraged, before thrusting joystick into drive.  Software
+is programmed not to copy; there is no need for removing joystick before
+completed execution of program.  Program may be run several times per day...
+especially if special features and options are utilized.
+%
+vagina, n:
+	The box a penis comes in.
+%
+vaginal lubricant, n:
+	A slitty slicker.
+%
+Vandalism On The Upswing!
+	Last night, windows were broken and graffiti was sprayed over the
+	front of the local sex shop, Le Sex Boutique, causing several hundred
+	dollars in damage.  In a later anonymous phone call, the provisional
+	wing of the Salvation Army claimed responsibility.
+%
+Vatican upholds ban on contraceptives: "To heir is humane," claims the Pope.
+%
+Vd, n:
+	The gift that keeps on giving.
+%
+Very few modern women either like or desire marriage, especially after the
+ceremony has been performed.  Primarily women wish attention and affection.
+Matrimony is something they accept when there is no alternative.  Really,
+it is a waste of time, and hazardous, to marry them.  It leaves one open
+to a rival.  Husbands, good or bad, always have rivals.  Lovers, never.
+		-- Helen Lawrenson, "Esquire"
+%
+Vidi, vici, veni.
+(I saw, I conquered, I came.)
+%
+Viennese Oyster: Lady who can cross her feet behind her head, lying on her
+back, of course.  When she has done so, you hold her tightly round each instep
+with your full hand and squeeze, lying on her full-length.  Don't try to put
+an unsupple partner into this position --  it can't be achieved by brute force.
+You can get a very similar sensation -- unique rocking pelvic movement -- with
+less expertise if she crosses her ankles on her tummy, knees to shoulders, and
+you lie on her crossed ankles with your full weight.  Why "Viennese" we don't
+know.  Tolerable for short periods only but gives tremendous genital pressure
+for both.
+		-- The Joy of Sex
+%
+virgin, n:
+	An ugly third grader.
+%
+Virginity is a bubble on the sea of life,
+which takes but one prick to break.
+		-- Jordan Sand
+%
+VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sep. 22)
+	Get it in writing.  Be careful.  You are surrounded by lechers and
+	assholes; birds of a feather flock together.  Trust no one.  People
+	will not be offended, because they've come to recognize you for the
+	paranoid neurotic that you are.  Your dentures are loose.
+%
+Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a
+divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."
+	What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge
+in unusual sex practices?"
+	"No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little
+queer."
+%
+VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
+%
+W. Lafayette may not be the asshole of the universe...
+	but you sure as hell can see it from there!
+%
+Waldheimers disease is what you have when you can't remember you were a Nazi.
+%
+War is menstruation envy.
+%
+Was it you that did the pushin',
+Left the stains upon the cushion,
+The footprints on the dashboard upside-down?
+Was it you, you little pecker,
+That got into my Rebecca,
+If you did, you'd better leave this town!
+
+Yes, 'twas I that did the pushin',
+Left the stains upon the cushion,
+Footprints on the dashboard upside-down.
+But since I stuck your daughter,
+I've had trouble passin' water,
+So I guess we're kind of even all around!
+%
+wasp, n:
+	Someone who gets out of the shower to take a piss.
+%
+Watch out for a cold wave this week.  (Or maybe a warm WAC.)
+%
+Watching girls go passing by
+It ain't the latest thing
+I'm just standing in a doorway
+I'm just trying to make some sense
+Out of these girls passing by		A smile relieves the heart that grieves
+The tales they tell of men		Remember what I said
+I'm not waiting on a lady		I'm not waiting on a lady
+I'm just waiting on a friend		I'm just waiting on a friend
+...
+Don't need a whore
+Don't need no booze
+Don't need a virgin priest		Ooh, making love and breaking hearts
+But I need someone I can cry to		It is a game for youth
+I need someone to protect		But I'm not waiting on a lady
+					I'm just waiting on a friend
+					I'm just waiting on a friend
+		-- Rolling Stones, "Waiting on a Friend"
+%
+Water?  Never touch the stuff!  Fish fuck in it.
+		-- W.C. Fields
+%
+We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual.  We do everything
+we can to butter him up.  We give him a name, assure him that he has certain
+inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and
+when he dies we give him a special hole in the ground ... But after all, he's
+only  a seed, a bloom and a withering stalk among pressing billions.  Your
+Individual is a pretty disgusting, vain, lewd little bastard ... By God,
+he has only one right guaranteed him in Nature, and that is the right to die
+and stink to Heaven.
+		-- Ross Lockridge, quoted in "Short Lives" by Katinka Matson
+%
+We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb
+your cities.
+		-- Robin Williams
+%
+We are upping our standards ... so up yours.
+		-- Pat Paulsen for President
+%
+We aren't what we eat.  We are what we don't shit.
+		-- Hugh Romney
+%
+We boggies are a hairy folk		Ever hungry, ever thirsting,
+Who like to eat until we choke.		Never stop till belly's bursting.
+Loving all like friend and brother,	Chewing chop and pork and muttons,
+And hardly ever eat each other.		A merry race of boring gluttons.
+
+Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE.
+
+Boggies gather 'round the table,	Anything edible, we've got dibs on,
+Eat as much as you are able.		And hope we all die with our bibs on.
+Gorge yourselves from moon till noon	Ever gay, we'll never grow up,
+(Don't forget your plate and spoon.)	Come! And sing and play and throw-up!
+
+Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE!
+		-- Bored of the Rings, "The Hobbits National Anthem"
+%
+We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
+%
+We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!
+		-- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
+%
+We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
+		-- James Watt, noted ecologist
+%
+We drove to the hotel and said goodbye.  How hypocritical to go upstairs
+with a man you don't want to fuck, leave the one you do sitting there alone,
+and then, in a state of great excitement, fuck the one you don't want to
+fuck while pretending he's the one you do.  That's called fidelity.  That's
+called civilization and its discontents.
+		-- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
+%
+We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free
+his hands for masturbation.
+		-- Lily Tomlin
+%
+We must!  We must!
+We must increase our bust!
+The bigger the better!
+The tighter the sweater!
+And the boys will think more of us!
+%
+We sailed on the good ship Venus,
+My God, you should have seen us
+	With a figurehead
+	Of a whore in bed
+And the mast an upright penis
+
+The captain of the lugger
+Was known as a filthy bugger
+	Declared unfit
+	To shovel shit
+From one ship to another
+
+The first mate's name was Cooper,
+By god he was a trooper
+	He jerked and jerked
+	Until he worked
+Himself into a stupor
+
+The cabin boy was chipper,
+A dandy little nipper
+	He shoved cracked glass
+	Inside his ass
+And circumcised the skipper
+
+The captain's wife was Charlotte,
+Born and bred a harlot
+	Her thighs at night
+	Were lily white
+By morning they were scarlet
+
+The captain's youngest daughter
+Slipped into the water
+	Her plaintive squeals
+	Announced that eels
+Had found her sexual quarter
+
+The ship's dog's name was Rover,
+They turned the poor beast over
+	And ground and ground
+	That faithful hound
+From Tenerief to Dover
+%
+We took some pictures of the girls, but they weren't developed.
+		-- Groucho Marx
+%
+We will follow Zarathustra,		We will worship like the Druids,
+Zarathustra like we use to,		Dancing naked in the woods,
+I'm a Zarathustra booster,		Drinking strange fermented fluids,
+And he's good enough for me!		And it's good enough for me!
+(chorus)				(chorus)
+
+In the church of Aphrodite,
+The priestess wears a see through nightie,
+She's a mighty righteous sightie,
+And she's good enough for me!
+(chorus)
+
+CHORUS:	Give me that old time religion,
+	Give me that old time religion,
+	Give me that old time religion,
+	'Cause it's good enough for me!
+%
+Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends!
+We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside!
+There behind the glass there's a real blade of grass,
+Be careful as you pass, move along, move along.
+Come inside, the show's about to start,
+Guaranteed to blow your head apart.
+Rest assured, you'll get your money's worth,
+Greatest show, in heaven, hell or earth!
+You gotta see the show!  It's a dynamo!
+You gotta see the show!  It's rock 'n' roll!
+		-- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)
+%
+Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!!
+	Ms. Kat****** Bl****an is the mistress of a well-known
+	banker in Houston, Texas.  That's $5000, please, to stop
+	us from revealing both of your names, Mr. L*****, so that
+	your wife Doreen, and your lovely children Diane, Janice
+	and Tom need never know the name of your mistress.  You
+	have two days to reach us at:
+
+		Fortune Blackmail
+		Behind the hot water pipes,
+		Third stall from the end,
+		Greyhound Bus Terminal, Fayette MO.
+%
+Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!!
+	This is the first of a series of revelations which could
+	add up to a divorce, premature retirement and possible
+	criminal proceedings for a company vice-president in Langley Virginia.
+	So, Mr. S*****, $10,000 please to stop us from revealing:
+		1: Whose shoulders you were sitting on.
+		2: What you were doing.
+		3: The names of the three people involved.
+		4: The youth organization to which they belonged.
+		5: The shop where you bought the equipment.
+%
+Well, actually, I don't mind going to weddings or anything, as long as they're
+not my own, I show up, but uh, I've always kinda been partial to callin' myself
+up on the phone, asking myself out, y'know, yeah, one thing about it, you're
+always around.  Yeah, I know, yeah, you ask yourself out, y'know, some class
+joint somewhere, the Burrito King, or somethin', y'know, well, I ain't cheap
+y'know.  Take yourself out for a coupla drinks, mebbe, then you eat, some
+provocative conversation on the way home, and uh, park in front of the house,
+y'know, and you, oh yeah, you smoo with yourself, put a little nice music on,
+mebbe you put on like, uh, y'know, like shoppin' music, something that's not
+too interruptive, y'know, and then uh, y'know, slide over real nice, and say,
+"Oh, I think you have something in your eye", well, maybe it's not that
+romantic with you, but I don't, y'know, I get into it, y'know, I take myself
+up to the porch, and uh, take myself inside, maybe, oh, I might get a little
+something in a brandy snifter, "Would you like to listen to some of my back
+records, I got something here...", well, usually, about two-thirty in the
+morning, you've ended up takin' advantage of yourself, and there ain't no way
+around that, y'know, yeah, makin' the scene with a magazine, ain't no way
+around it.  I'll confess, y'know, I'm no different, y'know, I'm not weird
+about it or anything, I don't tie myself up first, I just, I just kinda
+spend a little time with myself.
+		-- Tom Waits, "Nighthawks at the Diner"
+%
+Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse
+By all of the lads in his class
+	He said, with a yawn,
+	"Now the novelty's gone
+And it's only a pain in the ass."
+%
+Well, God gave me a bust.  What am I supposed to do with it?
+		-- Martha Mitchell
+%
+Well, he went down to dinner in his Sunday best,
+Excitable boy, they all said!
+And he rubbed the pot roast all over his chest,
+Excitable boy, they all said!  (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
+
+He took in the 4am show at the Clark,
+Excitable boy, they all said!
+And he bit the usherette's leg in the dark,
+Excitable boy, they all said!  (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
+
+He took little Susie to the junior prom,
+Excitable boy, they all said!
+And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home,
+Excitable boy, they all said!  (Well, he's just an excitable boy!)
+
+After ten long years they let him out of the home,
+Excitable boy, they all said!
+And he dug up her grave and built a cage with her bones,
+Excitable boy, they all said!  (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
+		-- Warren Zevon, "Excitable Boy"
+%
+Well, I don't know where they come from but they sure do come,
+I hope they comin' for me!
+And I don't know how they do it but they sure do it good,
+I hope they doin' it for free!
+They give me cat scratch fever... cat scratch fever!
+First time that I got it I was just ten years old,
+Got it from the kitty next door...
+I went to see the doctor and he gave me the cure,
+I think I got it some more!
+Got a bad scratch fever...
+		-- Ted Nugent, "Cat Scratch Fever"
+%
+"Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp,
+"And told my wife to try it on top.
+	She bounced for an hour,
+	Till she ran out of power,
+And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop."
+%
+Well, I went to a party, and what did they do?
+They took off their socks and they took off their shoes.
+They took off their shirts, and they took off their pants,
+I had a hunch, we weren't gonna dance.
+
+Everybody, everybody's ass was bare,
+No bras left, just a queer over there.
+But the whole damn thing didn't faze me a bit;
+I just jumped on the pile and grabbed some tit.
+
+My baby's not a sports fan,
+But she plays with balls whenever she can.
+'Cause her favorite sport you see,
+Is playing tonsil hockey.
+[chorus]
+	Eat, bite, fuck, suck, gobble, nibble, chew;
+	Nipple, bosom, hair pie, finger fuck, screw.
+	Moose piss, cat pud, orangutan tit;
+	Sheep pussy, camel crack, pig-lie-in-shit.
+		-- Doctor Dirty, "The Eat-Bite Song"
+%
+Well, I'd left home just a week before,
+And I'd never ever kissed a woman before,
+But Lola smiled and took me by the hand,
+And said 'Little boy, gonna make you a man!'
+Well, I'm not the world's most masculine man,
+But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man and so's Lola.
+La, la, la, la-Lola... la, la, la, la-Lola...  Lola.
+		-- The Kinks
+%
+Well, it seems that there was this traveling saleswoman whose car broke
+down, late at night, in the middle of a torrential downpour.  Hoping to
+find a phone she ran to a nearby farmhouse.  When she was unable to find
+a garage still open, the farmer told her that, while they were short of
+beds, she could sleep with his daughter.  The daughter proved to eighteen
+and beautiful.  So they went to bed, and shortly afterward, the saleswoman
+rolled over toward the daughter and said, "Dear, I'm sure that you're aware
+that some women like... to be with... other women.  Let me be frank..."
+	"No!" interrupted the daughter, sternly.  "This time *I* want to
+be Frank!"
+%
+"Well, madam," the bishop declared,
+While the vicar just mumbled and stared,
+	"'Twere better, perhaps,
+	In the crypt or the apse,
+Because sex in the nave must be shared."
+%
+Well, now that SUN's in bed with AT&T, I sure hope she sleeps with her
+back to the wall.
+		-- Guy Harris, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems
+
+Eat shit and die.  Strong memo to follow.
+		-- Mike O'Dell, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems
+%
+Well, see, I was out with this chick last night, and we were in bed, and
+she groaned to me, "Give me nine inches, and make it hurt!"  So, I fucked
+her twice and slapped her.
+%
+Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator.  Now, I had
+my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco.  Surely
+you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
+%
+Well, you almost got it right.  The only problem is, you're doing it exactly
+backwards!  Just reverse the motions you described and your partner will
+experience an incredibly intense orgasm.  One trouble with this technique,
+though, is that it works so well.  Believe me, word will get around about
+your newfound prowess and you'll be inundated by prospective sexual partners.
+So try to be discreet.  I prefer maple syrup to pineapple/apricot lotion, but
+that's a matter of personal preference.  Also, I'd advise against the syrup,
+or using honey, if you're outside, because the insects it attracts tend to
+distract the quail.  You can substitute crazy glue (but obviously not thumb
+tacks!) for the masking tape, but only if you don't want to use the piano for
+awhile.
+%
+Well, you got your mules and you got your racehorses, and you can kick
+a mule in the ass all you want, and he's still not gonna be a racehorse.
+		-- Billy Martin, "Esquire", May, 1984
+%
+Well, you see, it's such a transitional creature.  It's a piss-poor reptile
+and not very much of a bird.
+		-- Melvin Konner, from "The Tangled Wing", quoting a
+		   zoologist who has studied the archeopteryx and found it
+		   "very much like people".
+%
+Well, you see there was this neighborhood that had a priest, a minister, and
+a rabbi who lived near each other.  One summer afternoon the priest went out
+and bought himself a new car, and the minister and rabbi, not to be outdone,
+did the same.
+	The next day the priest went out and blessed his car.  The minister
+hired a crane and baptized his car in a swimming pool.  The rabbi, after
+thinking seriously for a bit, got a hacksaw and cut three inches off the end
+of the tail pipe.
+%
+We're all looking for a woman who can sit in a mini-skirt and talk
+philosophy, executing both with confidence and style.
+%
+Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms
+of a chambermaid as a duchess.
+		-- Dr. Johnson
+%
+wet dream, n:
+	Overnight sensation.
+%
+We've all heard about the woman who married a Field Service engineer but
+divorced him after one day because he'd done nothing on their wedding night
+but promise to have it up in 15 minutes.  What few people realize is that the
+poor man was in the bathroom all night, masturbating furiously, muttering
+"I just don't understand, it passes all the diagnostics!"
+%
+"We've got things well in hand."
+		-- Master Byte Software, Los Gatos California.
+%
+We've just recieved the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the
+various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night.  According
+to the report, 2% are motivated by a desire to visit the bathroom, and
+3% have an urge to raid the refrigerator.  The other 95% get up to go home.
+%
+What a man enjoys most about a woman's clothes are his fantasies of how
+she would look without them.
+		-- Brendan Francis
+%
+What creatures of habit we are.  This morning, without thinking, half asleep,
+I put $100 on my pillow.  That's not so bad, no one would worry about it, but
+my wife, half asleep, without thinking, gave me $20 change.
+%
+What did Snow white say when told she was pregnant?
+	"I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible..."
+
+Presumably this all started that evening when she was feeling Happy...
+%
+What do hookers do on their nights off, type?
+		-- Elayn Boosler
+%
+What do you call someone with herpes, AIDS, syphilis, and gonorrhea?
+An incurable romantic.
+%
+What is a promiscuous person -- it's usually someone who is getting more
+sex than you are.
+		-- Victor Lownes, quoted in "In and Out: Debrett 1980-81",
+		   by N. Mackwood
+%
+What the fuck, over?
+%
+What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
+%
+What this department needs is a really good inflatible doll.
+%
+What with chromodynamics and electroweak too
+Our Standardized Model should please even you,
+Tho' once you did say that of charm there was none
+It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun.
+Yet your state of the union penultimate large
+Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge,
+And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll
+Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole.
+Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back
+For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track,
+But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude
+Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed.
+Now fasten your sunbelts, for you've done it once more,
+You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore,
+That you've built an incredible crystalline sphere
+Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear
+Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta
+Which I'll bet is not there say your article, later.
+		-- Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, December, 1984
+%
+What you mean, how old am I?  About one hundred!  But Viennese answer is
+better: we say, "I keep passing the open windows."  This is an old joke.
+There was a street clown called King of the Mice: he trained rodents, he
+did horoscopes, he could impersonate Napoleon, he could make dogs fart
+on command.  One night he jumped out his window with all his pets in a box.
+Written on the box was this: "Life is serious, but art is fun!"  I hear his
+funeral was a party.  A street artist had killed himself.  Nobody had
+supported him but now everybody missed him.  Now who would make the dogs
+make music and the mice pant?  The bear knows this, too: it is hard work
+and great art to make life not so serious.
+		-- John Irving "The Hotel New Hampshire"
+%
+Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stay.
+%
+What's on the floor of the old hen-house?
+Doo-doo, doo-doo.
+		-- Foghorn Leghorn, to "Camptown Ladies"
+%
+What's the worst thing about being an atheist?
+Noone to talk to when you're having an orgasm.
+%
+When a girl admits she's had a checkered career, it's your move.
+%
+When a man grows old and his balls
+	grow cold,			So find me a seat and stand me a drink
+And the end of his knob turns blue;	And a tale to you I'll tell
+When it's bent in the middle like a	Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
+	one-string fiddle,		And the gentle Eskimo Nell.
+He can tell a tale or two.
+
+When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
+Go out in search of fun,		And when Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
+It's usually Dick who wields the prick	Are sore, depressed, and mad,
+And Mexican Pete the gun.		'Tis the cunt that bears the brunt
+					So the shooting ain't so bad.
+There was rarely a day without a lay
+And usually two or three		Now Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
+For Dead-eye Dick, his kingly prick	Had been hunting in Deadman's creek.
+Was always like a tree.			And they'd had no luck in the way of
+						a fuck
+Just a moose or two and a caribou,	For nigh on half a week.
+And a bison cow or so;
+And for Dead-eye Dick with his kingly prick
+This fucking was mighty slow.
+		-- The Ballad of Eskimo Nell
+%
+When better women are made, computer programmers will make them.
+%
+When ev'rybody's tryin' to sleep,
+I'm somewhere makin' my midnight creep.		Chorus:
+In the mornin' the rooster crow,	I am a back door man,
+Somethin' tells me I got to go.		I am a back door man,
+					Well, the men don't know,
+They take me to the doctor,		But the little girls understand.
+	shot full of holes,
+Nurse try to save a soul.
+Killed her for murder first degree,
+Judge what tried let the man go free.
+
+Stand up, cop's wife cried, don't take him down,
+Rather be dead six feet in the ground.
+When you come home, you can eat pork and beans,
+I eats more chicken than any man's seen.
+		-- Willie Dixon, "Backdoor Man", 1961
+%
+When he tried to inject his huge whanger
+A young man aroused his girl's anger.
+	As they strove in the dark
+	She was heard to remark,
+"What you need is a zeppelin hanger."
+%
+When his company fell on hard times, the boss realized that he'd have to
+lay off one of his two middle managers.  As both Jack and Liz were equally
+honest and dedicated to their jobs, he was unable to decide which one to
+fire.  To resolve his dilemma, the boss arbitrarily decided that the first
+to leave his or her desk the next morning would be the one to get the ax.
+	The next morning found Liz at her desk, rubbing her temples.  Asking
+Jack for some aspirin, she headed for the water fountain and that's where
+the boss caught up with her.  "I've got some bad news for you, Liz," he said.
+"I've got to lay you or Jack off."
+	"Jack off," she snapped.  "I have a headache."
+%
+When I need something 
+To help me unwind
+I find a six-foot baby		What kind of guy
+With a one-track mind		Does a lot for me
+Smart guys are nowhere		Superman
+They make demands		With a lobotomy
+Give me a moron			My father's out of Harvard
+With talented hands		My brother's out of Yale
+I go bar-hopping		Well the guy I took home last night
+And they say "Last call"	Just got out of jail
+I start shopping 		The way he grabbed and threw me
+For a Neanderthal		Oooo, it really got me hot
+				But the way he growled and bit me
+The bigger they come		I hoped he had his shots
+The harder I fall
+In love till we're done		The bigger they are
+Then they're out in the hall	The harder they'll work
+				I got a soft spot
+				For a good-looking jerk
+		-- Julie Brown, "I Like 'Em Big and Stupid"
+%
+When I was eight years old I came home with tears in my eyes because some
+kids had stolen my samwich.  My father handed me an ice pick, and said,
+"Next time, hit 'em first and hit 'em hard."
+		-- Jake LaMotta
+
+You can't go into the ring and be a nice guy.  I would go a month, two
+months, without having sex.  It worked for me because it made me a
+vicious animal. You can't fight if you have any compassion or anything
+like that.
+		-- Jake LaMotta
+%
+When in calling, plain speaking is out;
+When the ladies (God bless 'em) are milling about,
+You may wet, make water, or empty the glass;
+You can powder your nose, or the "johnny" will pass.
+It's a drain for the lily, or man about dog
+When everyone's drunk, it's condensing the fog;
+But sure as the devil, that word with a hiss
+It's only in Shakespeare that characters ____.
+		-- Ogden Nash
+%
+When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by
+a dog's rule of life: If you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
+%
+When Snow White turns on with the dwarfs she probably winds up feeling Dopey.
+%
+When somebody protested at [Pope Alexander VI's] wholesale distribution of
+pardons for the most heinous crimes -- one of which included the murder of
+a daughter by the father -- he retorted easily, "It is not God's will that
+a sinner should die, but that he should live -- and pay."
+		-- E.R. Chamberlin, "The Bad Popes"
+
+Judas sold Christ for 30 denari, this man [Pope Alexander VI] would sell
+him for 29.
+		-- Ottaviano Ubaldini, chamberlain to Pope Alexander VI
+%
+When the candles are out all women are fair.
+		-- Plutarch
+%
+When the naive young lady asked the clerk in Le Sex Shoppe to show her his
+selection of vibrators, he brought out the two most popular ones.
+	"The basic white plastic one here is twenty dollars," the clerk said.
+"The flesh-toned rubber models are thirty."
+	"I'm just not sure," the woman said,  Then she noticed an eye-catching
+item on the back shelf.  "How much is that plaid one over there?
+	"Uh, well, that's a pretty special one," said the clerk.  "I couldn't
+sell you that one for less than a hundred."
+	"I'll take it."
+	Later that day, the store owner checked in to see how business was
+going.  "Great," the clerk told him.  "This morning, I sold four white
+vibrators and three flesh-toned ones.  And, this afternoon, I got a hundred
+bucks for my Thermos."
+%
+When the prick stands up, the brains get buried in the ground.
+		-- Old Jewish saying
+
+[How come there aren't ever any "New Jewish sayings?"  Ed.]
+%
+When the shit hits the fan, keep your mouth shut!
+%
+When they tell me to stick it where
+the sun don't shine, I put it in Oregon.
+%
+When things go wrong as they usually will,
+And your daily road seems all uphill,
+When funds are low and debts are high,
+When you try to smile, but can only cry --
+And you really feel you'd like to quit,
+Don't talk to me; I don't give a shit.
+%
+When you and I are far apart
+Can sorrow break your tender heart?
+I love you darling, yes I do;
+Sleep is so sweet when I dream of you;
+All you are is a blossoming rose.
+Night is here so I must close.
+With care read the first word of each line.
+You will find a question of mine.
+		-- Yours hopefully, The VAX.
+%
+When you're lying on the bed,
+And the thought is in your head,
+But the feeling is way down between your legs,
+Take your problem in your hand,
+And beat it to the band,
+And try your best to keep it off the walls.
+
+Don't let your lover tell you,
+Don't let anybody sell you,
+That the joy of masturbation is a crime.
+For I've rid myself of fears,
+(I've been doing it for years)
+And now I have an erection all the time.
+%
+Whenever someone tells you to "take it like a man" it usually means
+up your ass.
+%
+"Where'd she get those crow's feet?  You really want to know?"
+"Yeah."
+"From squinting and screaming, "Suck what!?"
+%
+Which of the following doesn't belong?
+	a. meat
+	b. eggs
+	c. drum
+	d. blowjob.
+
+Answer:
+	d:  A blowjob, because you can beat your meat, your eggs,
+	    or your drum, but you just can't beat a blowjob.
+%
+While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who
+was pretty, chic, and intelligent.  When he persuaded her to disrobe in his
+hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well.  Unfortunately, as
+will happen, the executive sadly found himself unable to perform.
+	On his first night home, the executive padded naked from the shower
+into the bedroom to find his wife swathed in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair
+curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly as she pored through a movie
+magazine.  And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent
+erection. 
+	Looking down at his throbbing member, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful,
+mixed-up, son-of-a-bitch!  Now I know why they call you a prick!"
+%
+While farmers generally allow one rooster for ten hens, ten men are
+scarcely sufficient to service one woman.
+		-- Boccaccio
+%
+While not actually a sailor, I certainly enjoy getting blown ashore.
+%
+While sitting 'neath an oak one morn
+In thought on this and that,
+A tiny, twitt'ring little bird		"Oh tiny bird, O Nature's gift
+A load dropped in my hat.		Of music and of wit!
+					Why didst thou feel that my best hat
+"Thy music gladdens my poor soul,	Was thy best place to shit?"
+And brings joy to my heart.
+But tell me, little bird divine,	The tiny bird a few notes sang,
+Why didst thou not just fart?"		Then answer'd "Pardon me,
+					For thy hat I thought was my nest,
+I rose and stood in solemn awe		A-fallen from the tree."
+His words to better mull,
+Then lifted up a paving block
+And crushed his fucking skull.
+		-- Bill Wordsworth, "A Tiny Twitt'ring Bird"
+%
+While vacationing last summer in the North Woods, a young fellow thought it
+might be a good idea to write his girl.  He had brought no stationery with
+him, however; so he had to walk into town for some.  Entering the one and
+only general store, he discovered that the clerk was a young, full-blown farm
+girl with languorous eyes.
+	"Do you keep stationery?" he asked.
+	"Well," she giggled, "I do until the last few seconds, and then I
+just go wild."
+%
+Whip it, baby.
+Whip it right.
+Whip it, baby.
+Whip it all night!
+%
+Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
+
+Because his wife left him.  But things are looking up for their reconciliation.
+Seems that when she left, she took his word processor, and she's been renting
+it out occasionally in Japan.  That is, every now and then she gets a yen for
+his Wang.
+%
+Why, Good Morning!  I'm the bluebird of fellatio!
+%
+Why I am an atheist:
+
+1. Atheists do not believe in higher powers.
+2. God is the highest power.
+3. Therefore, God must be an atheist.
+4. We should all strive to be like God.
+5. We should all be atheists.
+%
+Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses?
+		-- G. Gordon Liddy
+%
+Why is it that there are so many more
+horses' asses than there are horses?
+		-- G. Gordon Liddy
+%
+Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love?
+Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up.
+%
+Why marry a virgin?  If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
+then she isn't good enough for you.
+%
+Why not, for example, offer a brand-new Mustang convertible to every girl
+who consents to having her Fallopian tubes tied in a Gordian knot?  ... It
+would have the additional benefit of eliminating from the gene pool those
+stupid enough to consent to such a deal.
+		-- Edward Abbey
+%
+...why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something
+you don't want to be?  Lord, that's so simple.  If you hate your job, quit it.
+If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends.  You are queer, you
+lucky fool, and that makes you one of life's buccaneers, free from the clutter
+of 2000 years of Judeo-Christian sermonizing.  Stop feeling sorry for yourself
+and start raising your sails.  You haven't a moment to lose.
+		-- Edmund Carlevale
+%
+Willie, looking in the mirror,		Willie with the nursery shears
+Sucked the mercury off			Cut off both the baby's ears.
+Thinking in his childish error		To the baby so unsightly
+It would cure the whooping cough.	Mother raised her eyebrows slightly.
+
+At the funeral his weeping mother	In the family drinking well
+Sadly said to Mrs. Brown,		Willie pushed his sister, Nell.
+"'Twas a chilly day for Willie		She's there still because it killed her,
+When the mercury went down."		Now, we have to buy a filter.
+%
+Winning isn't everything, but losing really sucks.
+%
+With a bushel of apples, you can have
+a hell of a time with the doctor's wife.
+%
+wok, n:
+	Something to thwow at a wabbit.
+%
+Woman is: finally screwing and your groin and buttocks and thighs ache like
+hell and you're all wet and maybe bloody and it wasn't like a Hollywood
+movie at all but Jesus at least you're not a virgin any more but is this
+what it's all about?  And meanwhile, he's asking "Did you come?"
+		-- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful"
+%
+Women -- can't live with 'em, can't leave 'em by the curb when you're done.
+%
+Women should be obscene and not heard.
+%
+Women think of being a man as a gift.  It is a duty.  Even making love can
+be a duty.  A man has always got to get it up, and love isn't always enough.
+		-- Norman Mailer
+%
+Working hard around here is like pissing on yourself in a dark suit;
+you get a warm feeling but nobody notices.
+%
+Working here is like a pregnancy.
+After nine months you wish you hadn't come.
+%
+World War III is about to break out, but hidden somewhere in Switzerland,
+a small group of international statesmen are trying to avert disaster.
+The key members of this group are the representatives from Moscow, Bonn, and
+Jerusalem, who, despite their personal enmity, manage to forge a peaceful
+settlement, at the last moment.  As the treaty is signed, and the war
+postponed, almost entirely through the efforts of those three men, an angel
+appears. "The earth is saved through the efforts of these three men!
+Therefore, I will grant each of them their heart's desire!"
+	So, the angel asks the German for his wish, and the German, recalling
+the nearness of their disaster, and perceiving the cause to have been the
+Russians, immediately says "I wish there were no more Russians!"  And God
+said, "It will be done."
+	The angel asks the Russian for his wish, which, of course, is "*I*
+wish there were no more Germans!"  Replies the angel, "It will be done."
+	So the angel asks the Jew for his wish.  The Jew is in a state of
+shock. "Will you really grant the German's wish?" he asks, and the angel
+avers.  "And the Russian's, too?"  The angel avers yet again.  Then the Jew
+thinks a moment, leans back and says, "In that case, I think I'd like a small
+cup of coffee."
+%
+Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy?
+%
+Writers do it between periods.
+%
+"Yeah, I used to be into necrophelia, bestiality and sadism, but then I
+realized I was just flogging a dead horse."
+%
+Yesterday is a memory,
+	Tomorrow is a vision,
+		Today is a bitch!
+%
+You are a tower of strength in the office, but only so-so in bed.
+%
+You are without a doubt a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel,
+and a mean, dirty, stinking, sniveling, sneaking, pimping, pocketpicking,
+thrice double-damned, no-good son-of-a-bitch.
+%
+You are witty, charming, handsome and above average in length.
+%
+You better believe that marijuana can cause castration.
+Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!
+%
+"You can beat my meat, but you can't lick my sauce!"
+		-- Boss' Ribs, Portland, Oregon
+%
+You can find sympathy, in the dictionary, right near shit and suicide.
+%
+You can get used to living at a nudist camp.
+The first three days are the hardest.
+		-- R. Dreiser
+%
+You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose;
+but you can't pick your friend's nose.
+%
+You come out of a woman and you spend the rest
+of your life trying to get back inside.
+		-- Heathcote Williams
+%
+You have been bitchy since Tuesday and you'll probably get fired today.
+%
+You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact.  And the Beatles
+are the biggest bastards on earth.
+		-- John Lennon
+%
+You know the Norplant thing?  It's a new birth control device for women.
+It's a cartridge, that goes in your arm.  Well, they're coming out with
+a new one for men: it's a brain, that goes in your head.
+%
+You know what burns my ass?  A flame about three feet high.
+%
+You might get caught holding the bag.  Say she's your sister.
+%
+You pedophiliac sodomizer of ducklings!!
+%
+You see that fucking fish?
+If he'd kept his mouth shut, he wouldn'ta got caught.
+		-- Sam Giancana
+%
+You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such a pain in the ass.
+%
+You wanna play the dozens,
+Well, the dozens is a game,
+But the way I fuck your mother is an ass-wringing shame!
+		-- George Carlin
+%
+You will always have friends
+Some friends will peter out.
+But I'll always be your friend,
+Peter in or peter out.
+%
+You'll be a guest at a gay party.
+That will have important consequences for you.
+%
+Young men want to be faithful and are not;
+old men want to be faithless and cannot.
+		-- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Your boy/girl friend is *so* ugly that...
+
+	-- when you look up ugly in the dictionary, their picture's there.
+	-- it looks like their face caught fire and someone put it out
+		with an ice pick.
+	-- Nabisco used their face to model for animal cookies.
+	-- when they yelled "Rape", the guy screamed "No way!"
+	-- they were the birth control poster child.
+	-- when they were born, the doctor slapped their mother.
+	-- as a child, their parents tied a pork chop around her neck to
+		get the puppy to play with them.
+	-- they have to sneak up on a glass of water, just to get a drink!
+%
+Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree,
+shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms suck!"
+		-- Johnny Carson
+%
+Your first husband was the one you married while firmly believing that
+there are more important things in life than great sex.
+%
+YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
+	by Miss Fortune
+
+SCORPIO (October 24 - November 21)
+	"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?" is your
+motto.  You don't do much other than sleep, eat, down brewskis, and watch TV.
+Your friends and family are constantly pestering you to clean up your act.
+But it's OK, Scorpio.  A kick in the ass is at least one step forward.
+
+SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
+	You've been on a diet for two weeks and all you've lost is two weeks.
+My advice is to drink copius amounts of beer just to get the thought of food
+out of your mind.  Remember, a good reducing exercise consists of placing
+both hands against the table edge and pushing back.
+
+CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan 19)
+	Remember that day you had one beer too many and did something
+extremely foolish?  Now your friends are coming and going and your enemies
+accumulating.  Cheer up!  All is not lost.  It's better to be hated for
+what you are than loved for what you're not.
+%
+Your spooning days are over,
+	And your pilot light is out;
+When what used to be your sex appeal
+	Is now your water spout!
+%
+You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.
+%
+Yuck Foo.
+%
+Zippity doo dah, zippity ay,
+I just gave my sister's cherry away!
+To a couple of truckers from Erie P.A.,
+Zippity doo dah, zippity ay.
+		-- John Valby
+%
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick b/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f7521b0
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick
@@ -0,0 +1,5388 @@
+A bad little girl in Madrid,
+A most reprehensible kid,
+	Told her Tante Louise
+	That her cunt smelled like cheese,
+And the worst of it was that it did!
+%
+A bather whose clothing was strewed
+By breezes that left her quite nude,
+	Saw a man come along
+	And, unless I am wrong,
+You expected this line to be lewd.
+%
+A bather whose clothing was strewed
+By breezes that left her quite nude,
+	Saw a man come along
+	And, unless I'm quite wrong,
+You expected this line to be lewd.
+%
+A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
+I am not I, I'm a tree."
+	But another, more sane,
+	Shouted, "I'm a great dane "
+And covered his pants leg with pee.
+%
+A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
+I am not I, I'm a tree."
+	But another, more sane,
+	Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
+And covered his pants leg with pee.
+%
+A beautiful belle of Del Norte
+Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty
+	Because during the day
+	She says: "Boys, keep away!"
+But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
+%
+A beautiful lady named Psyche
+Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
+	One thing about Ike
+	The lady can't like
+Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
+%
+A beetling young woman named Pridgets
+Had a violent abhorrence of midgets;
+	Off the end of a wharf
+	She once pushed a dwarf
+Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
+Sold cigars at a key-club concession.
+	When she swiveled about
+	Even strong men cried out,
+For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
+%
+A bobby of Nottingham Junction
+Whose organ had long ceased to function
+	Deceived his good wife
+	For the rest of her life
+With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
+%
+A broken-down harlot named Tupps
+Was heard to confess in her cups:
+	"The height of my folly
+	Was diddling a collie-
+But I got a nice price for the pups."
+%
+A broken-down harlot named Tupps
+Was heard to confess in her cups:
+	"The height of my folly
+	Was fucking a collie --
+But I got a nice price for the pups."
+%
+A burleyque dancer, a pip
+Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
+	But she read science fiction
+	And died of constriction
+Attempting a Moebius strip.
+		-- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"
+%
+A busy young lady named Gloria
+Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
+	And then by six men,
+	Sir Gerald again,
+And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
+%
+A cabin boy on an old clipper
+Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
+	He plugged up his ass
+	With fragments of glass
+And thus circumcised his old skipper.
+%
+A cautious young fellow named Lodge
+Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
+	When his date was strapped in,
+	He committed a sin,
+Without even leaving his grodge.
+%
+A cautious young fellow named Lodge,
+Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
+	With his date all strapped in
+	He committed a sin
+Without even leaving the garage.
+		-- "A Boy and His Dog"
+%
+A cautious young fellow named Tunney
+Had a whang that was worth any money.
+	When eased in half-way,
+	The girl's sigh made him say,
+"Why the sigh?"  "For the rest of it, honey."
+%
+A certain young man, it was noted,
+Went about in the heat thickly-coated;
+	He said, "You may scoff,
+	But I shan't take it off;
+Underneath I am horribly bloated."
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A certain young person of Ghent,
+Uncertain if lady or gent,
+	Shows his organs at large
+	For a small handling charge
+To assist him in paying the rent.
+%
+A certain young sheik of Algiers
+Said to his harem, "My dears,
+	Though you may think it odd of me,
+	I'm tired of just sodomy
+Let's try straight fucking."  (loud cheers!)
+%
+A chap down in Oklahoma
+Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
+	But the sweetness of pitch
+	Couldn't put off the hitch
+Of impotence, size and aroma.
+%
+A charmer from old Amarillo,
+Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
+	Decided one day
+	That to keep men away
+She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
+%
+A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
+Had a pussy as large as a muff.
+	It had room for both hands
+	And some intimate glands,
+And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
+%
+A clerical student named Pryne
+Through pain sought to reach the divine:
+	He wore a hair shirt,
+	Quite often ate dirt,
+And bathed every Friday in brine.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A clever young man named Eugene
+Invented a jack-off machine.
+	On the twenty-third stroke
+	The fuckin' thing broke
+And beat both his balls to a creame.
+%
+A clever young man named Eugene
+Invented a jack-off machine.
+	On the twenty-third stroke
+	The goddam thing broke
+And beat both his balls to a creame.
+%
+A cocksucking steno named Beeman
+Remarked as she swallowed my semen :
+	"On my minuscule salary
+	 I must watch every calorie,
+So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
+%
+A computer called Illiac4
+Had a rather tough bug in its core.
+	It chewed up its cards
+	And spewed yards and yards
+Of illegible tape on the floor.
+%
+A computer, to print out a fact,
+Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
+	But this output can be
+	No more than debris,
+If the input was short of exact.
+		-- Gigo
+%
+A contortionist hailing from Lynch
+Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
+	A foot cost a quid --
+	He could and he did
+Stretch it to three in a pinch.
+%
+A corpulent maiden named Kroll
+Had a notion exceedingly droll:
+	At a masquerade ball,
+	Dressed in nothing at all,
+She backed in as a Parker House roll.
+%
+A couple was fishing near Clombe
+When the maid began looking quite glum,
+	And said, "Bother the fish!
+	I'd rather coish!"
+Which they did -- which was why they had come.
+%
+A cowhand way out in Seattle
+Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
+	He said, "No, I can't fuck
+	A lamb or a duck,
+But golly! it just fits the cattle."
+%
+A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
+And had an affair with a Saracen.
+	She was not oversexed,
+	Or jealous or vexed,
+She just wanted to make a comparison.
+%
+A CS student named Lin
+Had a prick the size of a pin
+	It was no good for girls
+	But just great for squirrels
+Who squealed with delight with it in.
+%
+A cute little twerp from Samoa
+Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
+	It was good for keyholes
+	And debutantes' peeholes
+But not worth a damn on a whoa.
+%
+A daredevil skater named Lowe,
+Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
+	But is proudest of doing,
+	Some incredible screwing,
+Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
+%
+A deep-throated virgin named Netty
+Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
+	She said, "It tastes nice,
+	Much better than rice,
+Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
+%
+A delighted, incredulous bride
+Remarked to her groom at her side :
+	"I never could quite
+	 Believe till tonight
+Our anatomies would coincide."
+%
+A dentist, young doctor Malone,
+Got a charming girl patient alone,
+	And, in his depravity,
+	Filled the wrong cavity.
+God, how his practice has grown.
+%
+A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
+With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
+	Let his third-story front,
+	To a willing young cunt,
+Who supplied him a new lease on life!
+%
+A desperate spinster from Clare
+Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
+	And prayed to her God
+	For a romp on the sod--
+'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
+%
+A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
+Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
+	As quick as a glance
+	He stripped off his pants,
+But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
+%
+A doctoral student from Buckingham
+Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
+	But a dropout from paree
+	Taught him Gamahuchee
+- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
+%
+A doctoral student from Buckingham
+Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
+	But a dropout from paree
+	Taught him Gamahuchee
+So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
+%
+A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
+Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
+	She blew her vagina
+	To South Carolina,
+And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
+
+A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
+Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
+	They found her vagina,
+	In South Carolina,
+And part of her ass in Brazil.
+%
+A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
+Whose overworked sex is all callous,
+	Wore the foreskin away
+	On uncircumcised Ray,
+Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
+%
+A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
+Wished to foster an aura of menace;
+	To make people afraid
+	He wore gloves of grey suede
+And white footgear intended for tennis.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
+Wished to foster an aura of menace.
+	To make people afraid
+	He wore gloves of grey suede
+And white footgear intended for tennis.
+		-- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
+%
+A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd,
+Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred,
+	Had achieved some reknown
+	For her tone going down--
+There's a nice civil tongue in her head.
+%
+A fair-haired young damsel named Grace
+Thought it very, very foolish to place
+	Her hand on your cock
+	When it turned hard as rock,
+For fear it would explode in your face.
+%
+A farmer I know named O'Doole
+Had a long and incredible tool.
+	He can use it to plow,
+	Or to diddle a cow,
+Or just as a cue-stick at pool.
+%
+A fellatrix's healthful condition
+Proved the value of spunk as nutrition.
+	Her remarkable diet
+	(I suggest that you try it)
+Was only her clients' emission.
+%
+A fellow whose surname was Hunt
+Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt:
+	This versatile spout
+	Could be turned inside out,
+Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.
+%
+A fisherman off of Cape Cod
+Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!"
+	But the high-minded fish
+	Resented his wish,
+And nimbly swam off with his rod.
+%
+A foolish geologist from Kissen
+Just didn't know what he was missin',
+	By studying rock
+	And neglecting his cock,
+And using it merely for pissin'.
+%
+A Frenchman who lived in Alsace
+Had sex with a virgin named Grace.
+	When he popped her cherry,
+	She made things hairy
+By bleeding all over his face.
+%
+A frustrated lady named Alice
+Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
+	They found her vagina
+	In North Carolina
+And bits of her tits were in Dallas.
+%
+A gay young prince from Morocco
+Made love in a manner rococco.
+	He painted his penis
+	To resemble a venus
+And flavored his semen with cocoa.
+%
+A geneticist living in Delft
+Scientifically played with himself,
+	And when he was done
+	He labled it: son,
+And filed him away on a shelf.
+%
+A geneticist living in Delft
+Scientifically played with himself,
+	And when he was done
+	He labled it: son,
+And filed him away on a shelf.
+A gentleman, otherwise meek,
+Detested with passion the leek;
+	When offered one out
+	He dealt such a clout
+To the maid, she was down for a week.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A gentleman, otherwise meek,
+Detested with passion the leek;
+	When offered one out
+	He dealt such a clout
+To the maid, she was down for a week.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A german composer named Bruckner
+Remarked to a lady while fuckener :
+	"Less lento, my dear,
+	 With your cute little rear;
+I like a hot presto when muckener!"
+%
+A gift was delivered to Laura
+From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah;
+	Wrapped in tissue and crepe,
+	It was peeled, like a grape,
+And emitted a pale, greenish aura.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A gifted young fellow from Sparta
+Was widely renowned as a farta'.
+	He could fart anything
+	From "Of Thee I Sing,"
+To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata."
+%
+A girl camper once had an affair
+With a fellow all covered with hair.
+	When she gave him his hat
+	She realized that
+She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
+%
+A girl of the Enterprise crew
+Refused every offer to screw.
+	But a Vulcan named Spock
+	Crawled under her smock,
+And now she is eating for two.
+%
+A girl of uncertain nativity
+Had an ass of extreme sensitivity
+	While she sat on the lap
+	Of a German or Jap,
+She could sense Fifth Column activity.
+%
+A graduate student named Zac
+Was said to be great in the sack.
+	An inch of his boner
+	Put girls in a coma
+And two gave them epileptic attacks.
+%
+A graduate student named Zac
+Was said to be great in the sack.
+	An inch of his boner 
+	Put girls in a coma
+And two gave them epileptic attacks.
+%
+A greedy young lady from Sidney
+Liked it in up to her kidney,
+	Till a man from Quebec
+	Shoved it up to her neck--
+He really diddled her, didn' he?
+%
+A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds
+Once swallowed a package of seeds.
+	In a month, his ass
+	Was covered with grass
+And his balls were grown over with weeds.
+%
+A guest in a household quite charmless
+Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
+	"If you're caught unawares
+	At the head of the stairs,
+Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A habit depraved and unsavory
+Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
+	Midst screeches and howls
+	He deflowered young owls
+Which he kept in an underground aviary
+%
+A habit obscene and bizarre,
+Has taken a-hold of papa.
+	He brings home young camels
+	And other odd mammals,
+And gives them a go at mama.
+%
+A habit obscene and unsavory,
+Holds a CS professor in slavery.
+	With maniacal howls,
+	He deflowers young owls,
+That he keeps in an underground aviary.
+%
+A hacker who screwed a mag tape
+Was caught and convicted of rape.
+	To jail he did go,
+	From which, to his woe
+He couldn't get out with ESC.
+%
+A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
+Made love to the drive of his disk.
+	The thing circumsized him,
+	Which rather suprised him.
+He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
+%
+A handsome young rodent named Gratian
+As a lifeguard became a sensation.
+	All the lady mice waved
+	And screamed to be saved
+By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
+%
+A happy old hooker named Grace
+Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race.
+	It was hard for beginners
+	To tell who were winners :
+There were cunt hairs all over the place.
+%
+A hardware debugger named Court
+Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port.
+	But its buffer array
+	Only handled 1K,
+So the port's driver cut it off short.
+%
+A haughty young wench of Del Norte
+Would fuck only men over forty.
+	Said she, "It's too quick
+	With a young fellow's prick;
+I like it to last, and be warty."
+%
+A headstrong young woman in Ealing
+Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling;
+	When quizzed why she did,
+	She replied, "To be rid
+Of a strange, overpowering feeling."
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A hearty young fellow named Yost
+Once had an affair with a ghost.
+	At the height of the spasm
+	The poor ectoplasm
+Cried, "Goodie, I feel it ... almost."
+%
+A hearty young fellow named Yost
+Once had an affair with a ghost.
+	At the height of the spasm
+	The poor ectoplasm
+Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost."
+%
+A hidebound young virgin named Carrie
+Would say, when the fellows got hairy :
+	"Keep your prick in your pants
+	Till the end of this dance--"
+Which is why Carrie still has her cherry.
+%
+A highly aesthetic young Jew
+Had eyes of a heavenly blue;
+	The end of his dillie
+	Was shaped like a lilly,
+And his balls were too utterly two!
+%
+A highway patrol buff named Claire,
+Once screwed half a troop on a dare,
+	And her parts grew so hot,
+	There was steam on her twat,
+So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare!
+%
+A horny young fellow named Reg,
+Was jerking off under a hedge.
+	The gardener drew near
+	With a huge pruning shear,
+And trimmed off the edge of his wedge.
+%
+A huge-organed female in Dallas,
+Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus,
+	Was virgo intacto,
+	Because, ipso facto,
+No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
+%
+A joker who haunts Monticello
+Is really a terrible fellow.
+	In the midst of caresses
+	He fills ladies dresses
+With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello.
+%
+A lacklustre lady of Brougham
+Weaveth all night at her loom.
+	Anon she doth blench
+	When her lord and his wench
+Pull a chain in the neighbouring room.
+%
+A lad, at his first copulation,
+Cried, "What a sensation!  Inflation,
+	Gyration, elation
+	Throughout the duration,
+I guess I'll give up masturbation."
+%
+A lad from far-off Transvaal
+Was lustful, but tactful withal.
+	He'd say, just for luck,
+	"Mam'selle, do you fuck?"
+But he'd bow till he almost would crawl.
+%
+A lad of the brainier kind
+Had erogenous zones in his mind.
+	He got his sensations,
+	By solving equations,
+(Of course, in the end, he went blind.)
+%
+A lady born under a curse
+Used to drive forth each day in a hearse;
+	From the back she would wail
+	Through a thickness of veil:
+"Things do not get better, but worse."
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A lady both callous and brash
+Met a man with a vast black moustache;
+	She cried, "Shave it, O do!
+	And I'll put it with glue
+On my hat as a sort of panache."
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A lady from Kalamazoo
+Once found she had nothing to do,
+	So she sat on the stairs
+	And she counted her hairs:
+4,302.
+%
+A lady from Old Little Rock
+In fidelity took little stock,
+	And deserted her man
+	In the streets of Japan
+For a boy with a prehensile cock.
+%
+A lady removing her scanties,
+Heard them crackle electrical chanties.
+	Said her beau, "Have no fear,
+	For the reason is clear:
+You simply have amps in your panties.
+%
+A lady stockholder quite hetera
+Decided her fortune to bettera:
+	On the floor, quite unclad,
+	She successively had
+Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera...
+%
+A lady was seized with intent
+To revise her existence misspent.
+	So she climbed up the dome
+	Of St. Peter's in Rome,
+Where she stayed through the following Lent.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A lady while dining at Crewe
+Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
+	Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
+	And don't wave it about,
+Or the others will all want one too."
+%
+A lady, while dining in Crewe,
+Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
+	Said the waiter, "Don't shout
+	Or wave it about
+Or the others will ask for one, too."
+%
+A lady who signs herself "Vexed"
+Writes to say she believes she's been hexed:
+	"I don't mind my shins
+	Being stuck full of pins,
+But I fear I am coming unsexed."
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A lady with features cherubic
+Was famed for her area pubic.
+	When they asked her its size
+	She replied in surprise,
+"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"
+%
+A lass at the foot of her class
+Asked a brainier chick how to pass.
+	She replied, "With no fuss
+	You can get a B-plus,
+By letting the prof pat your ass."
+%
+A lecherous barkeep named Dale,
+After fucking his favorite female,
+	Mixed Drambuie and scotch
+	With the cream in her crotch
+For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail.
+%
+A licentious old justice of Salem
+Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em.
+	But instead of a fine
+	He would stand them in line,
+With his common-law tool to impale 'em.
+%
+A limerick packs laughs anatomical
+Into space that is quite economical.
+	But the good ones I've seen
+	So seldom are clean,
+And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
+%
+A linguist thought it a farce
+That memory space was so sparse.
+	One day they increased it.
+	Said he as he seized it:
+"At last! Enough core for the parse".
+%
+A lonely young lad of Eton
+Used always to sleep with the heat on,
+	Till he ran into a lass
+	Who showed him her ass --
+Now they sleep with only a sheet on.
+%
+A lovely young diver named Nancy,
+Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy,
+	The fish of Bonaire,
+	Watched her Derriere,
+And the sea fans all tickled her fancy.
+%
+A lovely young maid from St. Jude
+Once rode through the streets in the nude.
+	The police cried, "Whatam--
+	Agnificent bottom"
+And slapped it as hard as they could.
+%
+A lovely young maid from St. Jude
+Once rode through the streets in the nude.
+	The police cried, "Whatam--
+	Agnificent bottom"
+And slapped it as hard as they cude.
+%
+A lusty young maid from Seattle
+Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle;
+	Till she found a bull
+	Who filled her so full
+It made both her ovaries rattle.
+%
+A lusty young woodsman of Maine
+For years with no woman had lain,
+	But he found sublimation
+	At a high elevation
+In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain!
+%
+A madam who ran a bordello
+Put come in her pineapple jello,
+	For the rich, sexy taste
+	And not wanting to waste
+That greasy kid stuff from a fellow.
+%
+A maestro directing in Rome
+Had a quaint way of driving it home.
+	Whoever he climbed
+	Had to keep her tail timed
+To the beat of his old metronome.
+%
+A maiden who lived in Virginny
+Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny.
+	The horsey set rushed her,
+	But success finally crushed her
+For her tone soon became harsh and tinny.
+%
+A maiden who travelled in France
+Once got on a train, just by chance.
+	The engineer fucked her,
+	The conductor sucked her,
+And the fireman came in his pants.
+%
+A maiden who wrote of big cities
+Some songs full of love, fun and pities,
+	Sold her stuff at the shop
+	Of a musical wop
+Who played with her soft little titties.
+%
+A man was once heard to boast,
+That he received a parcel by post,
+	It contained, so we heard,
+	A magnificent turd,
+And the balls of his grandfather's ghost.
+%
+A marine being sent to Hong Kong
+Got a doctor to alter his dong.
+	He sailed off with a tool
+	Flat and thin as a rule -
+When he got there he found he was wrong.
+%
+A mathematician named Hall
+Had a hexhedronical ball,
+	And the square of its weight
+	Times his pecker's, plus eight,
+Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all.
+%
+A mathematician named Hall
+Has a hexahedronical ball,
+	And the cube of its weight
+	Times his pecker's, plus eight
+Is his phone number -- give him a call...
+%
+A mathematician named Klein
+Thought the Mobius band was divine.
+	Said he, "If you glue
+	The edges of two,
+You'll get a weird bottle like mine!
+%
+A middle-aged codger named Bruin
+Found his love life completely in ruin,
+	For he flirted with flirts
+	Wearing pants and no skirts,
+And he never got in for no screwin'.
+%
+A milkmaid there was, with a stutter,
+Who was lonely and wanted a futter.
+	She had nowhere to turn,
+	So she diddled a churn,
+And managed to come with the butter.
+%
+A mortician who practised in Fife
+Made love to the corpse of his wife.
+	"How could I know, Judge?
+	She was cold, did not budge--
+Just the same as she'd acted in life."
+%
+A nasty old drunk in Carmel
+Thinks it funny to piss in the well.
+	He says, "Some don't favor
+	That unusual flavor,
+But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!"
+%
+A nervous young fellow named Fred
+Took a charming young widow to bed.
+	When he'd diddled a while
+	She remarked with a smile,
+"You've got it all in but the head."
+%
+A new dramatist of the absurd
+Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
+	I learn from my spies
+	He's about to devise
+An unprintable three-letter word.
+%
+A newlywed couple from Goshen
+Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
+	In twenty-eight days
+	They got laid eighty ways --
+Imagine such fucking devotion!
+%
+A newly-wed man of Peru
+Found himself in a terrible stew:
+	His wife was in bed
+	Much deader than dead,
+And so he had no one to screw.
+%
+A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst,
+In the pleasures of men was well-versed.
+	Reads the sign o'er the head
+	Of her well-rumpled bed
+"The customer always comes first."
+%
+A novice was told by the Abbot:
+"Consider the goat and the rabbit.
+	While they roll in the hay
+	You just stay home and pray.
+You've got to get out of that habit."
+%
+A nudist resort at Benares
+Took a midget in all unawares.
+	But he made members weep
+	For he just couldn't keep
+His nose out of private affairs.
+%
+A nurse motivated by spite
+Tied her infantine charge to a kite;
+	She launched it with ease
+	On the afternoon breeze,
+And watched till it flew out of sight.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A pansy who lived in Khartoum
+Took a lesbian up to his room.
+	They argued all night
+	Over who had the right
+To do what, with which, and to whom.
+%
+A passionate red-haired girl
+When you kissed her, her senses would whirl,
+	And her twat would get wet,
+	And would wiggle and fret,
+And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl.
+%
+A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
+Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
+	To arrest his regard
+	She would squat in his yard
+And longingly pee in the sneaux.
+%
+A petulant man once said, "Pish,
+Your cunt is as big as a dish."
+	She replied, "Why, you fool,
+	With your limp little tool,
+It's like driving a pin with a fish."
+%
+A physical fellow named Fisk
+Could screw at a rate very brisk.
+	So fast was his action
+	The Fitzgerald contraction
+Would shrink up his rod to a disk.
+%
+A pious old woman named Tweak
+Had taught her vagina to speak.
+	It was frequently liable
+	To quote from the Bible,
+But when fucking -- not even a squeak!
+%
+A pious young lady named Finnegan
+Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again;
+	So time it aright,
+	Make it last through the night,
+For I certainly don't want to sin again!"
+%
+A pious young lady of Chichester
+Made all of the saints in their niches stir
+	And each morning at matin
+	Her breast in pink satin
+Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir.
+%
+A playful young chemist named Byrd
+Had an urge that could not be deferred.
+	So to irritate Knox
+	He shit in his sox,
+And plastered the walls with his turd.
+%
+A plumber whose name was John Brink
+Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink.
+	Her resistance was stout,
+	And John Brink petered out,
+With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.
+%
+A potter who lived in Bombay
+Once fashioned a cunt out of clay;
+	But the heat of his prick
+	Kilned the damn thing to brick
+And chafed all his foreskin away.
+%
+A pretty wife living in Tours
+Demanded her daily amour.
+	But the husband said, "No!
+	It's to much.  Let it go!
+My backsides are dragging the floor."
+%
+A pretty young boy known as Kevin
+Was raped in a pasture by seven
+	Lascivious beasts
+	(Oh, those Anglican priests)
+And such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
+%
+A pretty young lady named Vogel
+Once sat herself down on a molehill.
+	A curious mole
+	Nosed into her hole --
+Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
+%
+A pretty young lady named Vogel
+Once sat herself down on a molehill.
+	A curious mole
+	Nosed into her hole --
+Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill.
+%
+A pretty young lady named Vogel
+Once sat herself down on a molehill.
+	A curious mole
+	Nosed into her hole-
+Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
+%
+A pretty young lady named Vogel
+Once sat herself down on a molehill.
+     A curious mole
+     Nosed into her hole --
+Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill.
+%
+A pretty young maiden from France
+Decided she'd "just take a chance."
+	She let herself go
+	For an hour or so,
+And now all her sisters are aunts.
+%
+A princess who lived near a bog
+Met a prince in the form of a frog.
+	Now she and her prince
+	Are the parents of quints,
+Four boys and one fine polliwog.
+%
+A princess who reigned in Baroda
+Made her home on a purple pagoda.
+	She festooned the walls
+	Of her halls with the balls
+And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'.
+%
+A programmer down in Moline
+Said, I'm the match for any machine.
+	My secret's aversion,
+	To loops and recursion,
+Just acres of in-line routine.
+		-- W.J. Wilson
+%
+A progressive professor named Winners
+Held classes each evening for sinners.
+	They were graded and spaced
+	So the vile and debased
+Would not be held back by beginners.
+%
+A rapist who reeked of cheap booze
+Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes.
+	She cried, "I suppose
+	There's no time for my clothes,
+But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!"
+%
+A rapturous young fellatrix
+One day was at work on five pricks.
+	With an unholy cry
+	She whipped out her glass eye:
+"Tell the boys I can now take on six."
+%
+A reckless young lady of France
+Had no qualms about taking a chance,
+	But she thought it was crude
+	To get screwed in the nude,
+So she always went home with damp pants.
+%
+A remarkable race are the Persians;
+They have such peculiar diversions.
+	They make love the whole day
+	In the usual way
+And save up the nights for perversions.
+%
+A remarkable race are the Persians,
+They have such peculiar diversions.
+	They screw the whole day
+	In the regular way,
+And save up the nights for perversions.
+%
+A responsive young girl from the East
+In bed was an able artiste.
+	She had learned two positions
+	From family physicians,
+And ten more from the old parish priest.
+%
+A romantic attraction has clung
+To a chap of whom damsels have sung:
+	"'Tis the Scourge from the East,
+	That lascivious beast
+Who was known as Attila the Hung!"
+%
+A sailor who slept in the sun,
+Woke to find his fly buttons undone,
+	He remarked with a smile,
+	"Good grief, a sun-dial!
+And now it's a quarter-past one."
+%
+A savvy young hooker named Gail
+Got busted and lodged in the jail.
+	But the jailer got hot,
+	To be lodged in her twat,
+And so Gail made the bail with her tail.
+%
+A scandal involving an oyster
+Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister
+	She preferred it, in bed,
+	To the count (so she said)
+'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister.
+%
+A scream from the crypt of St. Giles
+Resounded for miles upon miles.
+	Said the friar, "Good gracious,
+	The brother Ignatious
+Forgeteth the abbot hath piles."
+%
+A seafaring hacker named Slatey
+Went to bed with a VAX/780.
+	The thing's learned to swear
+	With a nautical air,
+And refers to its users as "matey".
+%
+A sex-loving coed named Bree
+Caught the clap from her Apple IIE.
+	The joystick, she found,
+	Had been fooling around
+With a neighboring student's PC.
+%
+A silly young man from Hong Kong
+Had hands that were skinny and long.
+	He ate rice with his fingers--
+	The taste of it lingers,
+But now all his fingers are gone.
+%
+A slick talking pirate named Bruce
+To steal code, had a plan to seduce
+	An Apple II+.
+	Now Bruce wears a truss
+And was jailed for computer abuse.
+%
+A software technician from Digital
+Had hardware extremely prodigical.
+	It's rumoured, I hear,
+	That when he was near
+He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital.
+%
+A space shuttle pilot named Ventry,
+Made love to a lovely girl sentry.
+	She started to pout,
+	Because it fell out,
+But the mission was saved by re-entry.
+%
+A sperm faced, alack and forsooth,
+His moment of sexual truth.
+	He'd expected to fall
+	On a womb's spongy wall
+But was dashed to his death on a tooth.
+%
+A spinster in Kalamazoo
+Once strolled after dark by the zoo.
+	She was seized by the nape,
+	And fucked by an ape,
+And she murmured, "A wonderful screw."
+
+And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy,
+But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry
+	A man with a prick
+	Half as stiff and as thick
+As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry."
+%
+A spunky young schoolboy named Fred
+Used totoss off each night while in bed.
+	Said his mother, "Dear lad,
+	That's exceedingly bad--
+Jump in here with your mamma instead."
+%
+A starship commander named Kirk
+Emerged from his cabin berserk.
+	He grabbed a girl yeoman
+	Beneath the abdomen,
+And gave her a physical jerk.
+%
+A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson,
+Was having a captive, a person
+	Who was not averse
+	Though she had the curse,
+And he'd breeches of bristling furs on.
+%
+A structured programmer named Drew
+Was intensely turned on by "goto".
+	When he saw it in code
+	He'd shoot off his load.
+It's a good thing his shop used so few.
+%
+A studious professor named Nestor
+Bet a whore all his books that he could best her.
+	But she drained out his balls
+	And skipped up the walls,
+Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her.
+%
+A sweetheart named Teresa Arden
+Went down on her beau in the garden.
+	He said, "Good lord, Tess,
+	Don't swallow that mess "
+And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"
+%
+A sweetheart named Teresa Arden
+Went down on her beau in the garden.
+	He said, "Good lord, Tess,
+	Don't swallow that mess!"
+And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"
+%
+A systems programmer named Sprotic
+Found his software intensely erotic.
+	In jealous distress
+	He wiped his OS.
+It's possible that he's psychotic.
+%
+A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm,
+Was renowned for her fine paroxysm.
+	While the man detumesced
+	She still spent on with zest,
+Her rapture sheer anachronism.
+%
+A talented girl from Detroit
+Could fuck you in ways quite adroit.
+	She could squeeze her vagina
+	To a pin-point or finer
+Or open it out like a quoit.
+%
+A team playing baseball in Dallas
+Called te umpire blind out of malice.
+	While this worthy had fits
+	The team made eight hits
+And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
+%
+A team playing baseball in Dallas
+Called the umpire blind out of malice.
+	While this worthy had fits
+	The team made eight hits
+And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
+%
+A teenage protester named Lil
+Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill
+	First they bugged our martinis,
+	Our bras and bikinis,
+And now they are bugging the pill."
+%
+A thrice-married gal from L.A.
+Said, "My hymen's intact to this day,
+	'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it,
+	The voyeur only gawked at it,
+And my most recent man's a gourmet."
+%
+A tidy young lady of Streator
+Dearly loved to nibble a peter.
+	She always would say,
+	"I prefer it this way.
+I think it is very much neater."
+%
+A timid young woman named Jane
+Found parties a terrible strain;
+	With movements uncertain
+	She'd hide in a curtain
+And make sounds like a rabbit in pain.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A tired young trollop of Nome
+Was worn out from her toes to her dome.
+	Eight miners came screwing,
+	But she said, "Nothing doing;
+One of you has to go home!"
+%
+A trapper named Francois Lefebrve
+Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
+	The result of this fuck
+	Was a three titted duck,
+A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.
+%
+A tutor who tooted a flute
+Tried to tutor two tutors to toot
+	Said the two to the tutor:
+	"Is it harder to toot or
+To tutor two tutors to toot"
+%
+A vengeful technician named Schmitz
+Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz.
+	He covered the platter
+	With bats' fecal matter.
+Now it's seek time is really the pits.
+%
+A very intelligent turtle
+Found programming UNIX a hurdle
+	The system, you see,
+	Ran as slow as did he,
+And that's not saying much for the turtle.
+%
+A very odd pair are the Pitts:
+His balls are as large as her tits,
+	Her tits are as large
+	As an invasion barge--
+Neither knows how the other cohabits.
+%
+A wanton young lady from Wimley
+Reproached for not acting quite primly
+	Said, "Heavens above!
+	I know sex isn't love,
+But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
+%
+A water pipe suited miss Hunt;
+She used it for many a bunt.
+	But the unlucky wench
+	Got it caught in her trench ---
+It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench,
+To get the thing out of her cunt.
+%
+A water pipe suited miss Hunt;
+She used it for many a bunt.
+	But the unlucky wench
+	Got it caught in her trench ---
+It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench,
+To get the thing out of her cunt. 
+%
+A weary old lecher named Blott
+Took a luscious young blond to his yacht.
+	Too lazy to rape her,
+	He made darts out of paper,
+Which he leisurely tossed at her twat.
+%
+A whimsical fellow named Bloch
+Could beat the base drum with his cock.
+	With a special erection
+	He could play a selection
+From Johann Sebastian Bach.
+%
+A wicked stone cutter named Cary
+Drilled holes in divine statuary.
+	With eyes full of malice
+	He pulled out his phallus,
+And buggered a stone Virgin Mary.
+%
+A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket
+Had a hole as big as a basket.
+	A spot, as a bride,
+	In it now, you could hide,
+And include with your luggage your mascot.
+%
+A widow whose singular vice
+Was to keep her late husband on ice
+	Said, "It's been hard since I lost him --
+	I'll never defrost him!
+Cold comfort, but cheap at the price."
+%
+A wonderful bird is the pelican.
+His mouth can hold more than his belican.
+	He can take in his beak
+	Enough food for a week.
+And I'm darned if I know how the helican.
+%
+A wonderful bird is the pelican.
+His mouth can hold more than his belican.
+	He can take in his beak
+	Enough food for a week.
+I'm darned if I know how the helican.
+%
+A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies,
+Renowned for the length of their peenies.
+	The hair on their balls
+	Sweeps the floors of their halls,
+But they don't look at women, the meanies.
+%
+A wood-fetish busboy named Gable
+Is rapid, is thorough, is able;
+	But when everything's cleared,
+	He gives way to the weird,
+As he lovingly busses each table.
+%
+A worn-out young husband named Lehr
+Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer:
+	"Slip on a sheath, quick,
+	Then slip your big dick
+Between these lips covered with hair."
+%
+A worried young man from Stamboul
+Discovered red spots on his tool.
+	Said the doctor, a cynic,
+	"Get out of my clinic
+Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool."
+%
+A worried young man from Stamboul
+Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
+	Said the doctor, a cynic,
+	"Get out of my clinic;
+Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
+%
+A young bride and groom of Australia
+Remarked as they joined genitalia :
+	"Though the system seems odd,
+	 We are thankful that God
+Developed the genus Mammalia."
+%
+A young fellow discovered through Freud
+That although of penis devoid,
+	He could practice coitus
+	By eating a foetus,
+And his parents were quite overjoyed.
+%
+A young Juliet of St. Louis
+On a balcony stood acting screwy.
+	Her Romeo climbed,
+	But he wasn't well timed,
+And half-way up, off he went -- blooey!
+%
+A young lad named Lester McGraw
+Caught a stranger on top of his Maw.
+	As he watched him stick her
+	He said, with a snicker,
+"You do it much faster than Paw."
+%
+A young lady sat by the sea,
+Just as proper as proper could be.
+	A young fellow goosed her,
+	And roughly seduced her,
+So she thanked him and went home to tea.
+%
+A young lady who lived by the Usk
+Subsisted each day on a rusk;
+	She ate the first bite
+	Before it was light,
+And the last crumb sometime after dusk.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A young lass got married at Chester;
+Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.
+	Said she, "You're in luck --
+	'E's a stunning good fuck,
+For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester."
+%
+A young maiden from France was no prude,
+She decided to dive in the nude,
+	But her buddy, behind,
+	Went out of his mind,
+When he noticed where she was tatooed.
+%
+A young man by a girl was desired
+To give her the thrills she required,
+	But he died of old age
+	Ere his cock could assuage
+The volcanic desire it inspired.
+%
+A young man from the banks of the Po
+Found his cock had elongated so,
+	That when he'd pee
+	It was never he
+But only his neighbors who'd know.
+%
+A young man grew increasingly peaky
+In a house where the hinges were squeaky,
+	The ferns curled up brown,
+	The ceilings flaked down,
+And all of the faucets were leaky.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A young man maintained that his trigger
+Was so big that there weren't any bigger.
+	But this long and thick pud
+	Was so heavy it could
+Scarcely lift up its head.  It lacked vigor.
+%
+A young man of acumen and daring,
+Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring,
+	Was left quite alone
+	When it soon became known
+That their use at his board was unsparing.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
+While bent over plucking a dingle
+	Had the whole of Eisteddfod
+	Taking turns at his pod
+While they sang some impossible jingle.
+%
+A young man with passions quite gingery
+Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
+	He slapped her behind
+	And made up his mind
+To add incest to insult and injury.
+%
+A young polo-player of Berkeley
+Made love to his sweetheart beserkly.
+	In the midst of each chukker
+	He would break off and fuck her
+Horizontally, laterally and verkeley.
+%
+A young systems programmer of Sprotic
+Found his software intensely erotic.
+	In jealous distress
+	He wiped his OS.
+It's possible that he's a psychotic.
+%
+A young violinist from Rio
+Was seducing a woman named Cleo.
+	As she took down her panties
+	She said, "No andantes;
+I want this allegro con brio!"
+%
+A young wife in the outskirts of Reims
+Preferred frigging to going to mass.
+	Said her husband, "Take Jacques,
+	Or any young cock,
+For I cannot live up to your ass."
+%
+A young woman got married at Chester,
+Her mother she kissed her and blessed her.
+	Says she, "You're in luck,
+	He's a stunning good fuck,
+For I've had him myself down in Leicester."
+%
+According to experts, the oyster
+In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
+	May frequently be
+	Either he or a she
+Or both, if it should be its choice ter.
+%
+Alas for the Countess d'Isere,
+Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair.
+	Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!"
+	When he parted her thighs;
+"Magnifique!  Pourtant pas de la guerre."
+%
+All the female apes ran from King Kong
+For his dong was unspeakably long.
+	But a friendly giraffe
+	Quaffed his yard and a half,
+And ecstatically burst into song.
+%
+An aesthete from South Carolina
+Had a cock that tickled like China,
+	But while shooting his load
+	It cracked like old Spode,
+So he's bought him a Steuben vagina.
+%
+An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
+Likes to jack off the young men she loves.
+	She will use her bare fist
+	If the fellows insist
+But she really prefers to wear gloves.
+%
+An AI researcher named Bluth
+Wrote, to find out the sexual truth,
+	Eroticon VI,
+	Which he taught certain tricks
+Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth.
+%
+An amazon giantess named Dunne
+Let a midget screw her for fun.
+	But the poor little runt
+	Was engulfed in her cunt
+And re-born as the twin of his son.
+%
+An ambitious lady named Harriet
+Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
+	By seventeen sailors
+	A monk and three tailors,
+Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.
+%
+An anonymous woman we knew
+Was dozing one day in her pew;
+	When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
+	She said, "Count me in
+As soon as the service is through."
+%
+An architect fellow named Yoric
+Could, when feeling euphoric,
+	Display for selection
+	Three kinds of erection-
+Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
+%
+An architect fellow named Yoric
+Could, when feeling euphoric,
+	Display for selection
+	Three kinds of erection-
+Corinthian,ionic,and doric.
+%
+An ardent young man named Magruder
+Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda.
+	She thought it quite lewd
+	To be wooed in the nude,
+But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her.
+%
+An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
+Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know.
+	Women are fine
+	And sheep are divine
+But llamas are numero uno."
+%
+An ARPAnaut name of Corvette
+Had a fetish involving the net.
+	As he fondled his IMP
+	His cock went from limp
+To as hard as concrete which has set.
+%
+An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
+Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
+	She was finally the prize
+	Of a man twice her size
+And all she recalls is the ache.
+%
+An artist who lived in Australia
+Once painted his ass like a Dahlia.
+	The drawing was fine,
+	The colour - devine,
+The scent - ah, that was a failia.
+%
+An artist who lived in Australia
+Once painted his ass like a Dahlia.
+	The drawing was fine,
+	The colour - divine,
+The scent - ah, that was a failia.
+%
+An eager young hacker named Gus
+Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
+	The hardware went bad,
+	But not the young lad
+(Except for the toupee and truss).
+%
+An eager young hacker named Gus
+Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
+	The hardware went bad,
+	But not the young lad
+He didn't expect all that fuss!
+%
+An Edwardian father named Udgeon,
+Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon,
+	Used on Saturday nights
+	To turn down the lights,
+And chase them around with a bludgeon.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+An envious girl named McMeanus
+Was jealous of her lover's big penis.
+	It was small consolation
+	That the rest of the nation
+Of women were with her in weeness.
+%
+An exotic young lady named Suki
+Once danced in a troupe of kabuki
+	When asked for a fuck
+	She said, "Solly, no luck--
+See here: looky looky, no nuki "
+%
+An impish young fellow named James
+Had a passion for idiot games.
+	He lighted the hair
+	Of his lady's affair
+And laughed as she pissed through the flames.
+%
+An impotent Scot named MacDougall
+Had to husband his sperm and be frugal.
+	He was gathering semen
+	To gender a he-man,
+By screwing his wife through a bugle.
+%
+An incautious young woman named Venn
+Was seen with the wrong sort of men;
+	She vanished one day,
+	But the following May
+Her legs were retrieved from a fen.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+An indefatigable woman named Bavel
+Had often occasion to travel;
+	On the way she would sit
+	And furiously knit,
+And on the way back she'd unravel.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+An ingenious young man in South Bend
+Made a synthetic ass for a friend,
+	But the friend shortly found
+	Its construction unsound,
+It was simply a bother -- no end.
+%
+An innocent maiden named Herridge
+Was cruelly tricked ito marriage;
+	When she later found out
+	What her spouse was about,
+She threw herself under a carriage.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+An inquisitive virgin named Dora
+Asked the man who started to bore 'er :
+	"Do you mean birds and bees
+	Go through antics like these,
+To suppy us our fauna and flora?"
+%
+An irate young lady named Booker
+Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker!
+	If you want it queer ways,
+	Go to whores for your lays!"
+So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er.
+%
+An octagenerian Jew
+To his wife remained steadfastly true.
+	This was not from compunction,
+	But due to dysfunction
+Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you.
+%
+An old couple just at Shrovetide
+Were having a piece -- when he died.
+	The wife for a week
+	Sat tight on his peak,
+And bounced up and down as she cried.
+%
+An old electronic designer
+Had designs on a minor named Dinah.
+	He couldn't carry them out
+	For his prick was too stout,
+And too small was the minor's vagina.
+%
+An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings
+Were a terrible trial to his siblings,
+	But he was not removed
+	Till one day it was proved
+That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+An old maid who had a pet ape
+Lived in fear of perpetual rape.
+	His red, hairy phallus
+	So filled her with malice
+That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape.
+%
+An old man at the Folies Bergere
+Had a jock, a most wondrous affair:
+	It snipped off a twat-curl
+	From each new chorus girl,
+And he had a wig made of the hair.
+%
+An organist playing in York
+Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
+	And between obbligatos
+	He'd munch at tomatoes,
+To keep up his strength while at work.
+%
+An orgasmic young sex star named Sue
+Was a hit as she writhed to a screw.
+	Her climatic fame spread
+	With an ad blitz that said:
+Coming soon at a theater near you!
+%
+An uptight young lady named Breerley
+Who valued her morals too dearly
+	Had sex, so I hear,
+	Only once every year,
+And she strained her vagina severely.
+%
+And earnest young woman in Thrace
+Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!"
+	So he gave her a thwack,
+	And did on her back,
+What he couldn't have done face to face.
+%
+And then there's the story that's fraught
+With disaster -- of balls that got caught,
+	When a chap took a crap
+	In the woods, and a trap
+Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought!
+%
+As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops
+Is a kinky old butcher named Pops.
+	Since he thinks it's effete
+	To be beating his meat,
+What he's into is licking his chops.
+%
+As he came in his chubby choirboy,
+Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy!
+	If no sodomy levens
+	And possible heavens,
+Existence will merely annoy."
+%
+As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks,
+Its occupant cried, "Save my socks!
+	I could not bear the loss,
+	For with scarlet silk floss
+My mama has embroidered their clocks."
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+As tourists inspected the apse
+An ominous series of raps
+	Came from under the altar,
+	Which caused some to falter
+And others to shriek and collapse.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff,
+"Do I sin if I do what I want, if
+	I screw a young nun
+	In the eastertide sun?"
+His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff."
+%
+At a contest for farting in Butte
+One lady's exertion was cute :
+	It won the diploma
+	For fetid aroma,
+And three judges were felled by the brute.
+%
+At a dance, a girl from Connecticut
+Showed an absolute absence of etiquette
+	Letting all comers press
+	Through the skirt of her dress
+And wiping the mess with her petticoat.
+%
+At the end of all civilization
+Is the planet Terminus's location.
+	There's a girl there whose feat,
+	Without stone or concrete,
+Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation.
+%
+At the moment Japan declared war
+A sailor was fucking a whore.
+	He said, "After this poke
+	`Long and hard' ain't no joke;
+This means months 'til I get back ashore."
+%
+At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers
+Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers;
+	It beats all night long
+	A dirge on a gong
+As it staggers about in the creepers.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+At Vassar, sex isn't injurious,
+Though of love we are never penurious.
+	Thanks to vulcanized aids,
+	Though we may die old maids,
+At least we shall never die curious.
+%
+At whist drives and strawberry teas
+Fan would giggle and show off her knees;
+	But when she was alone
+	She'd drink eau de cologne,
+And weep from a sense of unease.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+Augustus, for slpashing his soup,
+Was put for the night on the stoop;
+	In the morning he'd not
+	Repented a jot,
+And next day he was dead of the croup.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+Augustus, for splashing his soup,
+Was put for the night on the stoop;
+	In the morning he'd not
+	Repented a jot,
+And next day he was dead of the croup.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+Back in the days of old Adam
+The grass served as mattress for madam,
+	And they spent the whole day
+	On the sex that today
+They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em.
+%
+Each Friday his engines abort,
+But Scotty is never caught short.
+	He fills his machines
+	With space-navy beans,
+And farts the ship back into port.
+%
+Each night Father fills me with dread
+When he sits on the foot of my bed;
+	I'd not mind that he speaks
+	In gibbers and squeaks,
+But for the seventeen years he's been dead.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+Each night Father fills me with dread
+When he sits on the foot ofmy bed;
+	I'd not mind that he speaks
+	In gibbers and squeaks,
+But for the seventeen years he's been dead.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+From deep in the crypt at St. Giles
+Came a bellow that echoed for miles.
+	Said the rector, "My gracious,
+	Has Father Ignatius
+Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?"
+%
+From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews,
+There is really abominable news;
+	They've discovered a head
+	In the box for the bread,
+But nobody seems to know whose.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+From the bathing machine came a din
+As of jollification within;
+	It was heard far and wide,
+	And the incoming tide
+Had a definite flavour of gin.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+"Fucked by the finger of Fate!"
+Bewailed a young fellow named Tate.
+	"Since dating Miss Baugh,
+	My whole tongue has been raw--
+It must have been something I ate."
+%
+In the case of a lady named Frost,
+Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost,
+	It's the best part of valor
+	To bugger the gal, or
+You're apt to fall in and get lost.
+%
+In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
+Complacently stroking his madam,
+	And loud was his mirth
+	For on all of the earth
+There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.
+%
+In the garden of Eden lay Adam,
+Complacently stroking his madam
+	And loud was his mirth
+	For on all of the earth
+There were only two balls and he had'em.
+%
+In the little French town of Le'Beau,
+Lived a maiden exceedingly droll.
+	At a masquerade ball,
+	Clad in nothing at all,
+She backed in as a Parker house roll.
+%
+It always delights me at Hank's
+To walk up the old river banks.
+	One time in the grass
+	I stepped on an ass,
+And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks."
+%
+It had snowed, and the man in the drift,
+Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?"
+	They sat in her Bentley,
+	She fondled him gently,
+And the lift that he'd asked for was swift!
+%
+The late Brigham Young was no neuter --
+No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter.
+	Where ten thousand virgins
+	Succumbed to his urgin's
+There now stands the great State of Utah.
+%
+The latest reports from Good Hope
+State that apes there have pricks thick as rope,
+	And fuck high, wide, and free,
+	From the top of one tree
+To the top of the next -- what a scope!
+%
+The limerick, a verse form iniquitous,
+Has nonetheless been ubiquitous.
+	Once Congress in session,
+	Declared its suppression,
+But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter.
+%
+The limerick is furtive and mean;
+You must keep her in close quarantine,
+	Or she sneaks to the slums
+	And promptly becomes
+Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.
+		-- Morris Bishop
+%
+The limerick is furtive and mean;
+You must keep her in close quarantine,
+	Or she sneaks to the slums
+	And promptly becomes
+Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.           
+		-- Morris Bishop
+%
+The old archeologist, Throstle,
+Discovered a marvelous fossil.
+	He knew from its bend
+	And the knot on the end,
+T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
+%
+There a young man from the Coast
+Who had an affair with a ghost.
+	At the height of orgasm
+	Said the pallid phantasm,
+"I think I can feel it -- almost!"
+%
+There once was a bishop from Birmingham
+Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em.
+	As they knelt on the hassock
+	He lifted his cassock
+And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em.
+%
+There once was a boy named Carruthers
+Who was busily fucking his mother
+	"I know it's a sin,"
+	He said, shoving it in,
+"But it's better than blowing my brother."
+%
+There once was a chick named Longet,
+Who went out to Aspen to play.
+	Along came a Spyder,
+	Who sat down beside her
+And she blew the poor bastard away.
+%
+There once was a clergyman's daughter
+Who detested the pony he bought her,
+	Till she found that its dong
+	Was as hard and as long
+As the prayers her father had taught her.
+
+She married a fellow named Tony
+Who soon found her fucking the pony.
+	Said he, "What's it got,
+	My dear, that I've not?"
+Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna."
+%
+There once was a couple named Kelley,
+Who lived their life belly to belly.
+	Because in their haste
+	They used library paste,
+Instead of petroleum jelly.
+%
+There once was a couple named Kelly
+Who walked around belly-to-belly.
+	It seems in their haste,
+	They used Carter's paste
+Instead of petroleum jelly.
+%
+There once was a dentist named Stone
+Who saw all his patients alone.
+	In a fit of depravity
+	He filled the wrong cavity,
+And my, how his practice has grown!
+%
+There once was a Duchess of Beever
+Who slept with her golden retriever.
+	Said the potted old Duke :
+	"Such tricks make me puke!
+Were it not for her money, I'd leave her."
+%
+There once was a Duchess of Bruges
+Whose cunt was incredibly huge.
+	Said the king to this dame
+	As he thunderously came:
+"Mon Dieu!  Apres moi, le deluge!"
+%
+There once was a fag of Khartoom
+Who spent the night in a Lesbians room.
+	They argued all night,
+	Over who had the right,
+To do what, and with which, and to whom.
+%
+There once was a fairy named Avers
+Who encircled his cock with lifesavers.
+	Though buggers all claimed
+	That their asses were maimed,
+Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors.
+%
+There once was a fellow named Bob
+Who in sexual ways was a snob.
+	One day he was swimmin'
+	With twelve naked women
+And deserted them all for a gob.
+%
+There once was a fellow named Brewster
+Who said to his wife, as he goosed her,
+	"It used to be grand
+	But look at my hand
+You're not wiping as clean as ya uster."
+%
+There once was a fellow named Howard,
+Whose tool it was nuclear-powered,
+	While grabbing some ass,
+	He reached critical mass,
+But think of the girl he deflowered!
+%
+There once was a fellow named Potts
+Who was prone to having the trots
+	But his humble abode
+	Was without a commode
+So his carpet was covered with spots.
+%
+There once was a fellow named Siegel
+Who attempted to bugger a beagle,
+	But the mettlesome bitch
+	Turned and said with a twitch,
+"It's fun, but you know it's illegal."
+%
+There once was a fellow named Sweeney
+Who spilled gin all over his weenie.
+	Not being uncouth,
+	He added vermouth
+And slipped his amour a martini.
+%
+There once was a fencer named Fisk,
+Whose speed was incredibly brisk.
+	So fast was his action,
+	The Fitzgerald contraction,
+Foreshortended his foil to a disk.
+%
+There once was a fiesty young terrier
+Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
+	He'd yip and he'd yap,
+	Then leap up and snap;
+And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
+%
+There once was a floozie named Annie
+Whose prices were cosy--but cannie:
+	A buck for a fuck,
+	Fifty cents for a suck,
+And a dime for a feel of her fanny.
+%
+There once was a freshman named Lin,
+Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
+	A virgin named Joan
+	From a bible belt home,
+Said "This won't be much of a sin."
+%
+There once was a gangster named Brown
+- the sneakiest bastard in town.
+	He was caught by G-men
+	Shooting his semen
+Where the cops would slip and fall down.
+%
+There once was a gaucho named Bruno,
+Who said, "About sex, well, I do know,
+	Sheep are just fine,
+	Chickens, divine,
+But iguanas are Numero Uno."
+%
+There once was a gay young Parisian
+Who screwed an appendix incision,
+	And the girl of his choice
+	Could hardly rejoice
+At the horrible lack of precision.
+%
+There once was a girl from Cornell
+Whose teats were shaped like a bell.
+	When you touched them they shrunk,
+	Except when she was drunk,
+And then they got bigger than hell.
+%
+There once was a girl from Decatur,
+Who got laid by a big alligator.
+	Now nobody knew
+	The result of that screw,
+'Cause after he laid her, he ate her.
+%
+There once was a girl from Madras
+Who had such a beautiful ass -
+	It was not round and pink
+	( as you bastards think )
+But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.
+%
+There once was a girl from Madras
+Who had such a beautiful ass -
+	It was not round and pink
+	(As you bastards think)
+But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.
+%
+There once was a girl from Spokane,
+Went to bed with a one-legged man.
+	She said, "I know you--
+	You've really got two!
+Why didn't you say so when we began?"
+%
+There once was a girl named Irene
+Who lived on distilled kerosene
+	But she started absorbin'
+	A new hydrocarbon
+And since then has never benzene.
+%
+There once was a girl named Louise
+Who cunt hair hung down to her knees
+	The crabs in her twat
+	Tied the hairs in a knot
+And constructed a flying trapeze
+%
+There once was a girl named Mcgoffin
+Who was diddled amazingly often.
+	She was rogered by scores
+	Who'd been turned down by whores,
+And was finally screwed in her coffin.
+%
+There once was a girl named Priscilla
+Whose vagina was flavored vanilla.
+	The taste was so fine
+	Man and beast stood in line
+(Including a stud armadilla).
+%
+There once was a girl so lovely,
+Who wanted to make love in the bubbly,
+	She strapped on her tanks,
+	And started her pranks,
+But the lobsters all thought she was ugly.
+%
+There once was a golfer named Leer,
+Who got put in the clink for a year,
+	For an action obscene,
+	On the very first green.
+Where the sign said "Enter course here."
+%
+There once was a gouty old colonel
+Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal,
+	And he cried in his tiffin
+	For his prick wouldn't stiffen,
+And the size of the thing was infernal.
+%
+There once was a guardsman from Buckingham
+Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em.
+	But when I meet boys,
+	God! how I enjoys
+Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em."
+%
+There once was a hacker named Ken
+Who inherited truckloads of Yen.
+	So he built him some chicks,
+	Of silicon chips,
+And hasn't been heard from since then.
+%
+There once was a handsome young seaman
+Who with ladies was really a demon.
+	In peace or in war,
+	At sea or on shore,
+He could certainly dish out the semen.
+%
+There once was a horny old bitch
+With a motorized self-frigger which
+	She would use with delight
+	All day long and all night -
+Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.
+%
+There once was a horse named Lily
+Whose dingus was really a dilly.
+	It was vaginoid duply,
+	And labial quadruply --
+In fact, he was really a filly.
+%
+There once was a husky young Viking
+Whose sexual prowess was striking.
+	Every time he got hot
+	He would scour the twat
+Of some girl that might be to his liking.
+%
+There once was a jolly old bloke
+Who picked up a girl for a poke.
+	He took down her pants,
+	Fucked her into a trance,
+And then shit into her shoe for a joke.
+%
+There once was a kiddie named Carr
+Caught a man on top of his mar.
+	As he saw him stick 'er,
+	He said with a snicker,
+"You do it much faster than par."
+%
+There once was a lady from Exeter,
+So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
+	One was even so brave
+	As to take out and wave
+The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
+%
+There once was a lady from Kansas
+Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas.
+	It was nine inches deep
+	And the sides were quite steep --
+It had whiskers like General Carranza's.
+%
+There once was a lady named Carter,
+Fell in love with a virile young Tartar.
+	She stripped off his pants,
+	At his prick quickly glanced,
+And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!"
+%
+There once was a lady named Clair,
+Who posessed a magnificent pair.
+	Or that's what I thought,
+	Till I saw one get caught,
+On a thorn and begin losing air.
+%
+There once was a lady named Myrtle
+Who had an affair with a turtle.
+	She had crabs, so they say,
+	In a year and a day
+Which proved that that turtle was fertile.
+%
+There once was a lawyer named Rex
+With minuscule organs of sex.
+	Arraigned for exposure,
+	He maintained with composure,
+"De minimis non curat lex."
+
+	[Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things.  Ed.]
+%
+There once was a lifeguard named Lee
+Who rescued a girl from the sea
+	She asked how to pay,
+	And he said "Try this way,
+Go down for the third time on me."
+%
+There once was a maid from Mobile
+Whose cunt was made of blue steel.
+	She only got thrills
+	From pneumatic drills
+And an off-centered emery wheel.
+%
+There once was a man from Bombay
+He would do it all night and all day
+	He soon became sore
+	You shoulda' heard him roar
+When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay!
+%
+There once was a man from Calcutta
+Who used to beat off in the gutta
+	The heat of the sun
+	Affected his gun
+And turned all his cream into butta!
+%
+There once was a man from Dunoon,
+Who always ate soup with a fork.
+	He said "When I eat
+	Either fish, foul or flesh,
+I otherwise finish too quick."
+%
+There once was a man from Exameter
+Who had a prodigious diameter
+	But it wasn't the size
+	That brought forth the cries
+'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter.
+%
+There once was a man from Madras,
+Whose balls were made out of brass.
+	When they clanged together,
+	They played "Stormy Weather",
+And lightning shot out of his ass.
+%
+There once was a man from Nantee
+Who buggered an ape in a tree.
+	The results were most horrid
+	All ass and no forehead
+Three balls and a purple goatee.
+%
+There once was a man from Nantucket
+Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
+	His daughter, named Nan,
+	Ran away with a man,
+And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
+
+The pair of them went to Manhasset,
+(Nan and the man with the asset.)
+	Pa followed them there,
+	But they left in a tear,
+And as for the asset, Manhasset.
+
+Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket,
+(Nan and the man with the bucket.)
+	Pa said to the man,
+	"You're welcome to Nan."
+But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.
+%
+There once was a man from Nantucket,
+Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
+	He said with a grin,
+	As he wiped off his chin,
+If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!
+%
+There once was a man from Nantucket
+Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
+	He said with a grin
+	As he wiped off his chin,
+"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it."
+%
+There once was a man from Racine,
+Who invented a screwing machine.
+	Both concave and convex,
+	It could please either sex,
+But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
+%
+There once was a man from Sandem
+Who was making his girl on a tandem.
+	At the peak of the make
+	She jammed on the brake
+And scattered his semen at random.
+%
+There once was a man from Sydney
+Who could put it up to her kidney.
+	But the man from Quebec
+	Put it up to her neck;
+He had a big one, now didn't he?
+%
+There once was a man named Lodge,
+who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
+	When his date was strapped in,
+	He committed a sin,
+without ever leaving the garage.
+%
+There once was a man named McGruder,
+Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder.
+	But the girl thought it crude,
+	To be wooed in the nude,
+So McGru took an oar and subduder.
+%
+There once was a man named McSweeny
+Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney
+	So just to be couth
+	He added vermouth
+And slipped his best girl a martini.
+%
+There once was a man named McSweeny
+Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny.
+	Just to be couth,
+	He added vermouth,
+And slipped his girlfriend a martini.
+%
+There once was a man named Parridge
+With peculiar views on marriage.
+	He sucked off his brother,
+	Fucked his own mother,
+And gobbled his sister's miscarriage.
+%
+There once was a man with a hernia
+Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya,
+	When you work on my middle
+	Be sure you don't fiddle
+With things that do not concern ya."
+%
+There once was a member of Mensa
+Who was a most excellent fencer.
+	The sword that he used
+	Was his -- (line is refused,
+And has now been removed by the censor).
+%
+There once was a miner named Dave,
+Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
+	She was ugly as shit,
+	And missing one tit,
+But think of the money he saves.
+%
+There once was a monk of Camyre
+Who was seized with a carnal desire
+	And the primary cause
+	Was the abbess's drawers
+Which were hung up to dry by the fire.
+%
+There once was a newspaper vendor,
+A person of dubious gender.
+	He would charge one-and-two
+	For permission to view
+His remarkable double pudenda.
+%
+There once was a plumber from Leigh
+Who was plumbing his maid by the sea.
+	Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
+	I think someone's coming!"
+Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me."
+%
+There once was a pretty young Mrs.
+Whose tearful but short story thrs.
+	Her mind lost its grasp -
+	Now she thinks she's an asp
+And just sits in the corner and hrs.
+%
+There once was a queen of Bulgaria
+Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
+	Till a prince from Peru
+	Who came up for a screw
+Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
+%
+There once was a reverend at Kings
+Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things.
+	But his heart was on fire
+	For a boy in the choir
+Whose buns were like jelly on springs.
+%
+There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel
+Who said, "They can all go to hell!
+	What they do to my wife --
+	Why it ruins my life;
+And the worst is they all do it well."
+%
+There once was a sailor named Gasted,
+A swell guy, as long as he lasted,
+	He could jerk himself off
+	In a basket, aloft,
+Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.
+%
+There once was a Scot named McAmeter
+With a tool of prodigious diameter.
+	It was not the size
+	That cause such surprise;
+'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
+%
+There once was a son-of-a-bitch,
+Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
+	Yet the girls he would dazzle,
+	And fuck to a frazzle,
+And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch!
+%
+There once was a spaceman named Spock
+Who had a huge Vulcanized cock.
+	A girl from Missouri
+	Whose name was Uhura
+Just fainted away from the shock.
+%
+There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,
+Discovered his sex life was hapless:
+	The more he would screw
+	The more he'd want to,
+And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.
+%
+There once was a Usenetter named Mark,
+Whose gender was kept in the dark.
+	He/she/it said with a nod,
+	"My ancestors were odd!"
+Did Noah need two for the ark?
+%
+There once was a whore from Regina
+Who had a stupendous vagina.
+	To save herself time,
+	She had six at a time,
+And another one working behind her.
+%
+There once was a woman from Arden
+Who sucked off a man in a garden.
+	He said, "My dear Flo,
+	Where does all that stuff go?"
+And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?"
+%
+There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield
+Engaged to look after the deacon's field,
+	But he lurked in the ditches
+	And diddled the bitches
+Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field.
+%
+There once was a young fellow named Blaine,
+And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
+	She was ugly and smelly,
+	With an awful pot-belly,
+But... well, they were caught in the rain.
+%
+There once was a young girl from Natches
+Who chanced to be born with two snatches
+	She often said, "Shit!
+	I'd give either tit
+For a guy with equipment that matches."
+%
+There once was a young man from Boston
+Who drove around town in an Austin,
+	There was room for his ass,
+	And a gallon of gas,
+So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em.
+%
+There once was a young man from France
+Who waited ten years for his chance;
+Then he muffed it...
+%
+There once was a young man from Yuma
+Who attempted sex with a puma
+	He gave up real quick
+	Minus nose, toes, and prick
+In obvious pain and ill huma.
+%
+There once was a young man from Yuma,
+Who told an elephant joke to a puma.
+	Now his dry bleached bones lie,
+	Under hot Asian skies,
+'Cause the puma had no sense of huma.
+%
+There once was a young man named Clyde
+Who fell in an outhouse, and died.
+	He had a twin brother
+	Who fell in another
+And now they're interred side by side.
+%
+There once was a young man named Gene,
+Who invented a screwing machine.
+	Concave and convex,
+	It served either sex,
+And it played with itself inbetween.
+%
+There once was a young man named Lancelot
+Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot
+	For when he should pass
+	A desirable lass
+The front of his pants would advance a lot.
+%
+There once was an Arpanet freak,
+Who better response-time did seek.
+	He searched coast to coast,
+	For a reliable host,
+Whose logger took less than a week.
+%
+There once was an old man from Esser,
+Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
+	It at last grew so small,
+	He knew nothing at all,
+And now he's a College Professor.
+%
+There once were two brothers named Luntz
+Who buggered each other at once.
+	When asked to account
+	For this intricate mount,
+They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts."
+%
+There once were two women from Birmingham.
+And this is the story concerning 'em.
+	They lifted the frock
+	And fondled the cock
+Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em.
+%
+There was a bluestocking in Florence
+Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
+	Till a Spanish grandee,
+	Got her off with his knee,
+And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
+%
+There was a family named Doe,
+An ideal family to know.
+	As father screwed mother,
+	She said, "You're heavier than brother."
+And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!"
+%
+There was a fat lady of China
+Who'd a really enormous vagina,
+	And when she was dead
+	They painted it red,
+And used it for docking a liner.
+%
+There was a fat man from Rangoon
+Whose prick was much like a ballon.
+	He tried hard to ride her
+	And when finally inside her
+She thought she was pregnant too soon.
+%
+There was a gay countess of Bray,
+And you may think it odd when I say,
+	That in spite of high station,
+	Rank and education,
+She always spelled cunt with a 'k'.
+%
+There was a gay countess of Bray,
+And you may think it odd when I say,
+	That in spite of high station,
+	Rank and education,
+She always spelled cunt with a 'k'.		
+%
+There was a gay dog from Ontario
+Who fancied himself a Lothario.
+	At a wench's glance
+	He'd snatch off his pants
+And make for her Mons Venerio.
+%
+There was a gay parson of Norton
+Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un.
+	To make up for this loss,
+	He had balls like a horse,
+And never spent less than a quartern.
+%
+There was a gay parson of Tooting
+Whose roe he was frequently shooting,
+	Till he married a lass
+	With a face like my arse,
+And a cunt you could put a top-boot in.
+%
+There was a girl from Aberystwyth
+Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with.
+	The miller's son Jack
+	Laid her flat on her back
+And united the organs they pissed with.
+%
+There was a lewd fellow named Duff
+Who loved to dive deep in the muff.
+	With his head in a whirl
+	He said, "Spread it, Pearl;
+I cunt get enough of the stuff!"
+%
+There was a man from Mich.
+Who used to wish and wich.
+	That spring would come
+	So he could bum
+Around and go out fich.
+%
+There was a pianist named Liszt
+Who played with one hand while he pissed,
+	But as he grew older
+	His technique grew bolder,
+And in concert jacked off with his fist.
+%
+There was a poor parson from Goring,
+Who made a small hole in his flooring,
+	Fur-lined it all round,
+	Then laid on the ground,
+And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
+%
+There was a strong man of Drumrig
+Who one day did seven times frig.
+	He buggered three sailors,
+	Four dogs and two tailors,
+And ended by fucking a pig.
+%
+There was a teenager named Donna
+Who never said, "No, I don't wanna."
+	Two days out of three
+	She would shoot LSD,
+And on weekends she smoked marijuana.
+%
+There was a young belle of old Natchez
+Whose garments were always in patchez.
+	When comment arose
+	On the state of her clothes
+She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez."
+%
+There was a young blade from South Greece
+Whose bush did so greatly increase
+	That before he could shack
+	He must hunt needle in stack.
+'Twas as bad as being obese.
+%
+There was a young bride, a Canuck,
+Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck.
+	You say that I, maybe,
+	Can have my first baby--
+Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!"
+%
+There was a young bride of Antigua
+Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!"
+	Said the girl, "What damn'd rot!
+	Why, you've only felt my twot,
+My legs and my arse and my figua!"
+%
+There was a young chap in Arabia
+Who courted a widow named Fabia.
+	"Yes, my tongue is as long
+	 As the average man's dong,"
+He said, licking the lips of her labia.
+%
+There was a young cook with the art
+Of making a delicious tart
+	With a handful of shit,
+	Some snot and some spit,
+And he'd flavor the whole with a fart.
+%
+There was a young curate whose brain
+Was deranged from the use of cocaine;
+	He lured a small child
+	To a copse dark and wild,
+Where he beat it to death with his cane.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+There was a young damsel named Baker
+Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker.
+	He yelled, "My God!  what
+	Do you call this -- a twat?
+Why, the entrance is more than an acre!"
+%
+There was a young dolly named Molly
+Who thought that to frig was a folly.
+	Said she, "Your pee-pee
+	Means nothing to me,
+But I'll do it just to be jolly."
+%
+There was a young fellow called Clyde
+Who fell in an outhouse and died.
+	He had a twin brother
+	Who fell in another
+So now they're interred side by side.
+%
+There was a young fellow from Cal.,
+In bed with a passionate gal.
+	He leapt from the bed,
+	To the toilet he sped;
+Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?"
+%
+There was a young fellow from Florida
+Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
+	When they got into bed
+	He cried, "God strike me dead!
+This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!"
+%
+There was a young fellow from Kent
+Whose cock was so long that it bent
+	To save himself trouble
+	He put it in double
+And instead of coming, he went.
+%
+There was a young fellow from Leeds
+Who swallowed a package of seeds.
+	Great tufts of grass
+	Sprouted out of his ass
+And his balls were all covered with weeds.
+%
+There was a young fellow from Parma
+Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.
+	Said the damsel demure,
+	"You'll excuse me, I'm sure,
+But I must say you fuck like a farmer."
+%
+There was a young fellow name Tucker
+Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
+	Said, "Don't bow out your lips
+	Like an elephant's hips,
+The boys like it best when they pucker."
+%
+There was a young fellow named Ades
+Whose favorite fruit was young maids.
+	But sheep, nigger boys, whores,
+	And the knot holes in doors
+Were by no means exempt from his raids.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Babbitt
+Who could screw nine times like a rabbit,
+	But a girl from Johore
+	Could do it twice more,
+Which was just enough extra to crab it.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Bill,
+Who took an atomic pill,
+	His navel corroded,
+	His asshole exploded,
+And they found his nuts in Brazil.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Blaine,
+And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
+	She was ugly and smelly
+	With an awful pot-belly,
+But... well, they were caught in the rain.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Bliss
+Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
+	For even with Venus
+	His recalcitrant penis
+Would never do better than t
+			   h
+			   i
+			   s
+			   .
+%
+There was a young fellow named Bowen
+Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'.
+	It grew so tremendous,
+	So long and so pendulous,
+'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Brewer
+Whose girl made her home in a sewer.
+	Thus he, the poor soul,
+	Could get into her hole,
+And still not be able to screw her!
+%
+There was a young fellow named Case
+Who entered a cunt-lapping race.
+	He licked his way clean
+	Through Number thirteen,
+But then slipped and got pissed in the face.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Charteris
+Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
+	Said she, "I don't mind,
+	And higher up you'll find
+The place where my fucker and farter is."
+%
+There was a young fellow named Cribbs
+Whose cock was so big it had ribs.
+	They were inches apart,
+	And to suck it took art,
+While to fuck it took forty-two trips.
+%
+There was a young fellow named dick
+Who had a magnificent prick.
+	It was shaped like a prism
+	And shot so much gism
+It made every cocksucker sick.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Feeney
+Whose girl was a terrible meany.
+	The hatch of her snatch
+	Had a catch that would latch
+- She could only be screwed by Houdini.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Fletcher,
+Was reputed an infamous lecher.
+	When he'd take on a whore
+	She'd need a rebore,
+And they'd carry him out on a stretcher.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Fyfe
+Whose marriage was ruined for life,
+	For he had an aversion
+	To every perversion,
+And only liked fucking his wife.
+
+Well, one year the poor woman struck,
+And she wept, and she cursed at her luck,
+	And said, "Where have you gotten us
+	With your goddamn monotonous
+Fuck after fuck after fuck?
+
+"I once knew a harlot named Lou --
+And a versatile girl she was, too.
+	After ten years of whoredom
+	She perished of boredom
+When she married a jackass like you!"
+%
+There was a young fellow named Gene
+Who first picked his asshole quite clean.
+	He next picked his toes,
+	And lastly his nose,
+And he never did wash in between.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Gluck
+Who found himself shit out of luck.
+	Though he petted and wooed,
+	When he tried to get screwed
+He found virgins just don't give a fuck.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Goody
+Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
+	If he found himself nude
+	With a gal in the mood
+The question's not woody but could he?
+%
+There was a young fellow named Grant
+Who was made like the sensitive plant.
+	When they asked "Do you fuck?"
+	He replied, "No such luck.
+I would if I could, but I can't."
+%
+There was a young fellow named Grimes
+Who fucked his girl seventeen times
+	In the course of a week --
+	And this isn't to speak
+Of assorted venereal crimes.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Harry,
+Had a joint that was long, huge and scary.
+	He grabbed him a virgin,
+	Who, without any urgin',
+Immediately spread like a fairy.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Hatch
+Who was fond of the music of Bach.
+	He said: "It's not fussy
+	Like Brahms and Debussy;
+Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch."
+%
+There was a young fellow named Kimble
+Whose prick was exceedingly nimble,
+	But fragile and slender,
+	And dainty and tender,
+So he kept it encased in a thimble.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Meek
+Who invented a lingual technique.
+	It drove women frantic,
+	And made them romantic,
+And wore all the hair off his cheek.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Morgan
+Who possessed an unusual organ:
+	The end of his dong,
+	Which was nine inches long,
+Was tipped with the head of a gorgon.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Paul
+Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
+	But the size of my prick
+	Is God's dirtiest trick,
+For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"
+%
+There was a young fellow named Pell
+Who didn't like cunt very well.
+	He would finger or fuck one,
+	But never would suck one--
+He just couldn't get used to the smell.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Price
+Who dabbled in all sorts of vice.
+	He had virgins and boys
+	And mechanical toys,
+And on Mondays... he meddled with mice!
+%
+There was a young fellow named Prynne
+Whose prick was so short and so thin,
+	His wife found she needed
+	A Fuckoscope -- she did --
+To see if he'd gotten it in.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Skinner
+Who took a young lady to dinner
+	At a quarter to nine,
+	They sat down to dine,
+At twenty to ten it was in her.
+The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner.
+
+There was a young fellow named Tupper
+Who took a young lady to supper.
+	At a quarter to nine,
+	They sat down to dine,
+And at twenty to ten it was up her.
+Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!
+%
+There was a young fellow named Sweeney,
+Whose girl was a terrible meanie,
+	The hatch of her snatch,
+	Had a catch that would latch,
+She could only be screwed by Houdini.
+%
+There was a young fellow of Burma
+Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur.
+	But now that he's married he's
+	Been using cantharides
+And the root of their love is much firmer.
+%
+There was a young fellow of Greenwich
+Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
+	He had such a tool
+	It was wound on a spool,
+And he reeled it out inich by inich.
+
+But this tale has an unhappy finich,
+For due to the sand in the spinach
+	His ballocks grew rough
+	And wrecked his wife's muff,
+And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage.
+%
+There was a young fellow of Harrow
+Whose john was the size of a marrow.
+	He said to his tart,
+	"How's this for a start?
+My balls are outside in a barrow."
+%
+There was a young fellow of Kent
+Whose prick was so long that it bent,
+	So to save himself trouble
+	He put it in double,
+And instead of coming he went.
+%
+There was a young fellow of Mayence
+Who fucked his own arse in defiance
+	Not only of custom
+	And morals, dad-bust him,
+But of most of the known laws of science.
+%
+There was a young fellow of Perth
+Whose balls were the finest on earth.
+	They grew to such size
+	That one won a prize,
+And goodness knows what they were worth.
+%
+There was a young fellow of Strensall
+Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil.
+	On the night of his wedding
+	It went through the bedding,
+And shattered the chamber utensil.
+%
+There was a young fellow of Warwick
+Who had reason for feeling euphoric,
+	For he could by election
+	Have triune erection:
+Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric.
+%
+There was a young fellow whose dong
+Was prodigiously massive and long.
+	On each side of his whang
+	Two testes did hang
+That attracted a curious throng.
+%
+There was a young gaucho named Bruno
+Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know.
+	A woman is fine,
+	And a sheep is divine,
+But a llama is Numero Uno."
+%
+There was a young gaucho named Bruno
+Who said, "There is one thing I do know,
+	Women are fine
+	And children devine,
+But the llama is numero uno."
+%
+There was a young German named Ringer
+Who was screwing an opera singer.
+	Said he with a grin,
+	"Well, I've sure got it in!"
+Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"
+%
+There was a young girl from Annista
+Who dated a lecherous mister.
+	He fondled her titty,
+	Got one finger shitty,
+Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er.
+%
+There was a young girl from Decatur
+Who was raped by an alligator.
+	But no one quite knew
+	How she relished that screw,
+For after he screwed her, he ate her.
+%
+There was a young girl from Dundee,
+From her fanny there grew a plum tree.
+	No one ate the nice fruit,
+	To tell you the truth,
+Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot.
+%
+There was a young girl from East Lynn
+Whose mother ( to save her from sin )
+	Had filled up her crack
+	With hard-setting shellac,
+But the boys picked it out with a pin.
+%
+There was a young girl from Hong Kong
+Who said, "You are utterly wrong
+	To say my vagina
+	Is the largest in China
+Just because of your mean little dong."
+%
+There was a young girl from Hong Kong
+Whose cervical cap was a gong.
+	She said with a yell,
+	As a shot rang her bell,
+"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
+%
+There was a young girl from Medina
+Who could completely control her vagina.
+	She could twist it around
+	Like the cunts that are found
+In Japan, Manchukuo and China.
+%
+There was a young girl from New York
+Who plugged up her cunt with a cork.
+	A woodpecker or two
+	Made the grade it is true,
+But it totally baffled the stork.
+
+Till along came a man who presented
+A tool that was strangely indented.
+	With a dizzying twirl
+	He punctured that girl,
+And thus was the cork-screw invented.
+%
+There was a young girl from New York
+Who plugged up her quim with a cork
+	A woodpecker or two
+	Made the grade, it is true,
+But it totally baffled the stork.
+%
+There was a young girl from Peru,
+Who had nothing whatever to do.
+	So she sat on the stairs,
+	And counted cunt hairs,
+Four thousand, three hundred and two.
+%
+There was a young girl from Peru,
+Who noticed her lovers were few;
+	So she walked out her door
+	With a fig leaf, no more,
+And now she's in bed - with the flu.
+%
+There was a young girl from Samoa
+Who pledged that no man would know her.
+	One young fellow tried,
+	But she wriggled aside,
+And he spilled all his spermatozoa.
+%
+There was a young girl from Seattle,
+Whose hobby was sucking off cattle.
+	But a bull from the South
+	Shot a wad in her mouth
+That made both her ovaries rattle.
+%
+There was a young girl from Siam
+Who said to her boyfriend Priam,
+	"To seduce me, of course,
+	You'll have to use force,
+And thank goodness you're stronger than I am.
+%
+There was a young girl from St. Cyr
+Whose reflex reactions were queer.
+	Her escort said, "Mable,
+	Get up off the table;
+That money's to pay for the beer."
+%
+There was a young girl from St. Paul
+Who went to a newspaper ball.
+	Her dress caught on fire
+	And burnt her entire
+Front page and sport section and all.
+%
+There was a young girl from the Bronix
+Who had a vagina of onyx.
+	She had so much `tsoris'
+	With her clitoris,
+She traded it in for a Packard.
+%
+There was a young girl from the coast
+Who, just when she needed it most,
+	Lost her Kotex and bled
+	All over the bed,
+And the head and the beard of her host.
+%
+There was a young girl in Berlin
+Who eked out a living through sin.
+	She didn't mind fucking,
+	But much preferred sucking,
+And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.
+%
+There was a young girl in Berlin
+Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
+	Though he diddled his best,
+	And fucked her with zest,
+She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?"
+%
+There was a young girl in Dakota
+Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her:
+	"In addition to gas
+	We are rationing ass,
+And you've greatly exceeded your quota."
+%
+There was a young girl name McKnight
+Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night.
+	She came to in bed,
+	With a split maidenhead--
+That's the last time she ever was tight.
+%
+There was a young girl named Ann Heuser
+Who swore that no man could surprise her.
+	But Pabst took a chance,
+	Found a Schlitz in her pants,
+And now she is sadder Budweiser.
+%
+There was a young girl named Heather
+Whose twitcher was made out of leather.
+	She made a queer noise,
+	Which attracted the boys,
+By flapping the edges together.
+%
+There was a young girl named McCall
+Whose cunt was exceedingly small,
+	But the size of her anus
+	Was something quite heinous --
+It could hold seven pricks and one ball.
+%
+There was a young girl named O'Clare
+Whose body was covered with hair.
+	It was really quite fun
+	To probe with one's gun,
+For her quimmy might be anywhere.
+%
+There was a young girl named O'Malley
+Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
+	She got roars of applause
+	When she kicked off her drawers,
+But her hair and her bush didn't tally.
+%
+There was a young girl named Saphire
+Who succumbed to her lovers desire.
+	She said, "It's a sin,
+	But now that it's in,
+Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
+%
+There was a young girl named Sapphire
+Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
+	She said, "It's a sin,
+	But now that it's in,
+Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
+%
+There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
+Who screwed every man that she kissed with.
+	She tickled the balls
+	Of the men in the halls,
+And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with.
+%
+There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
+Who took grain to the mill to get grist with.
+	The miller's sun, Jack,
+	Laid her flat on her back,
+And united the organs they pissed with.
+%
+There was a young girl of Angina
+Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
+	From the love-making frock
+	(With the proper sized cock)
+Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
+%
+There was a young girl of Asturias
+With a penchant for practices curious.
+	She loved to bat rocks
+	With her gentlemen's cocks --
+A practice both rude and injurious.
+%
+There was a young girl of Batonger
+who diddled herself with a conger,
+	When asked how it feels
+	To be pleasured by eels
+She said, "Just like a man, only longer.
+%
+There was a young girl of Cah'lina,
+Had a very capricious vagina:
+	To the shock of the fucker
+	"Twould suddenly pucker,
+And whistle the chorus of "Dinah."
+%
+There was a young girl of Cape Cod
+Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God.
+	But it wasn't Jehovah
+	That turned the girl over,
+'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,
+	the bugger, the bastard, the sod!
+%
+There was a young girl of Cape Town
+Who usually fucked with a clown.
+	He taught her the trick
+	Of sucking his prick,
+And when it went up -- she went down.
+%
+There was a young girl of Coxsaxie
+Whose skirt was more mini than maxi.
+	She was fucked at the show
+	In the twenty-third row,
+And once more going home in the taxi.
+%
+There was a young girl of Darjeeling
+Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
+	There was never a sound
+	For miles around
+Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
+%
+There was a young girl of Des Moines
+Whose cunt could be fitted with coins,
+	Till a guy from Hoboken
+	Went and dropped in a token,
+And now she rides free on the ferry.
+%
+There was a young girl of Detroit
+Who at fucking was very adroit:
+	She could squeeze her vagina
+	To a pin-point, or finer,
+Or open it out like a quoit.
+
+And she had a friend named Durand
+Whose cock could contract or expand.
+	He could diddle a midge
+	Or the arch of a bridge --
+Their performance together was grand!
+%
+There was a young girl of East Lynne
+Whose mother, to save her from sin,
+	Had filled up her crack,
+	To the brim with shellac,
+But the boys picked it out with a pin.
+%
+There was a young girl of Gibraltar
+Who was raped as she knelt at the altar.
+	It really seems odd
+	That a virtuous God
+Should answer her prayers and assault her.
+%
+There was a young girl of LLewellyn
+Whose breasts were as big as a melon.
+	They were big it is true,
+	But her cunt was big too,
+Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view
+Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan.
+%
+There was a young girl of Mobile,
+Who hymen was made of chilled steel,
+	To give her a thrill,
+	Took a rotary drill,
+Or a number nine emery wheel.
+%
+There was a young girl of Moline
+Whose fucking was sweet and obscene.
+	She would work on a prick
+	With every known trick,
+And finish by winking it clean.
+%
+There was a young girl of Newcastle
+Whose charms were declared universal.
+	While one man in front
+	Wired into her cunt,
+Another was engaged at her arsehole.
+%
+There was a young girl of Pawtucket
+Whose box was as big as a bucket.
+	Her boy-friend said, "Toots,
+	I'll have to wear boots,
+For I see I must muck it, not fuck it."
+%
+There was a young girl of Penzance
+Who boarded a bus in a trance.
+	The passengers fucked her,
+	Likewise the conductor,
+While the driver shot off in his pants.
+%
+There was a young girl of Pitlochry
+Who was had by a man in a rockery.
+	She said, "Oh! You've come
+	All over my bum;
+This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery."
+%
+There was a young girl of Rangoon
+Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon.
+	"Well, it has been great fun,"
+	She remarked when he'd done,
+"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."
+%
+There was a young girl of Spitzbergen,
+Whose people all thought her a virgin,
+	Till they found her in bed
+	With her twat very red,
+And the head of a kid just emergin'.
+%
+There was a young girl, very sweet,
+Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat.
+	When she sat on their lap
+	She unbuttoned their flap,
+And always had plenty to eat.
+%
+There was a young girl who begat
+Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat.
+	T'was fun in the breeding
+	But hell in the feeding
+When she found there's no tit for Tat.
+%
+There was a young girl who begat
+Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
+	It was fun in the breeding,
+	But hell in the feeding,
+When she found there was no tit for Tat.
+%
+There was a young harlot from Kew
+Who filled her vagina with glue.
+	She said with a grin,
+	"If they pay to get in,
+They'll pay to get out of it too."
+%
+There was a young harlot named Schwartz	
+Whose cock-pit was studded with warts,
+	And they tickled so nice
+	She drew a high price
+From the studs at the summer resorts.
+
+Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle,
+Was seldom hard up for a diddle,
+	For according to rumor
+	His tool had a tumor
+And a fine row of warts down the middle.
+%
+There was a young hayseed from Tiffan
+Whose cock would constantly stiffen.
+	The knob out in front
+	Attracted foul cunt
+Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'.
+%
+There was a young idler named Blood,
+Made a fortune performing at stud,
+	With a fifteen-inch peter,
+	A double-beat metre,
+And a load like the Biblical Flood.
+%
+There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway
+Whose screams could be heard for a block away.
+	Perceiving his error,
+	The Rabbi in terror
+Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!"
+%
+There was a young lad - name of Durcan
+Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
+	His father said, "Durcan
+	Stop jerkin' your gherkin
+Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
+%
+There was a young lad from Nahant
+Who was made like the Sensitve Plant.
+	When asked, "Do you fuck?"
+	He replied, "No such luck.
+I would if I could but I can't."
+%
+There was a young lad from Siam,
+Whose sexlife was caught in a jam.
+	He loved them real small,
+	'Cause they're funner to ball,
+So he went out and bought him a lamb!
+%
+There was a young lad name of Durcan
+Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
+	His father said, "Durcan!
+	Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
+Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
+%
+There was a young lad name of Ward
+Who strung himself up with a cord
+	Said he, of his work
+	(Ere the rope snapped with a jerk)
+"I am leaving because I am bored."
+		- E.A. Guest
+%
+There was a young lad named McFee
+Who was stung in the balls by a bee
+	He made oodles of money
+	By oozing pure honey
+Every time he attempted to pee.
+%
+There was a young lady at sea
+Who complained that it hurt her to pee.
+	Said the brawny old mate,
+	"That accounts for the state
+Of the cook and the captain and me."
+%
+There was a young lady at sea
+Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee."
+	"I see," said the mate,
+	"That accounts for the state
+Of the captain, the purser, and me."
+%
+There was a young lady called Ciss
+Who went to the river to piss.
+	A young man in a punt
+	Put his hand on her cunt;
+No wonder she thought it was bliss.
+%
+There was a young lady from Bangor
+Who slept while the ship lay at anchor
+	She woke in dismay
+	When she heard the mate say:
+"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!"
+%
+There was a young lady from Bright,
+Whose speed was much faster than light.
+	She went out one day
+	In a relative way
+And returned on the previous night.
+%
+There was a young lady from Bristol
+Who went to the Palace called Crystal.
+	Said she, "It's all glass,
+	And as round as my ass,"
+And she farted as loud as a pistol.
+%
+There was a young lady from Brussels
+Who was proud of her vaginal muscles.
+	She could easily plex them
+	And so interflex them
+As to whistle love songs through her bustles.
+%
+There was a young lady from Drew
+Who ended her verse at line two.
+%
+There was a young lady from Dumfries
+Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze!
+	My navel's all bare,
+	So stick it in there,
+Before both my legs and my bum freeze."
+%
+There was a young lady from Exeter,
+So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
+	One was even so brave
+	As to take out and wave
+The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
+%
+There was a young lady from Hyde
+Who ate a green apple and died.
+	While her lover lamented
+	The apple fermented
+And made cider inside her inside.
+%
+There was a young lady from Maine
+Who claimed she had men on her brain.
+	But you knew from the view,
+	As her abdomen grew,
+It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
+%
+There was a young lady from Munich
+Who had an affair with a eunuch.
+	At the height of their passion
+	He dealt her a ration
+%
+There was a young lady from Munich
+Who had an affair with a eunuch.
+	At the height of their passion
+	He dealt her a ration
+From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic.
+%
+There was a young lady from Norway
+Who hung by her heels in a doorway.
+	She told her young man,
+	"Get off the divan,
+I think I've discovered one more way "
+%
+There was a young lady from Prentice
+Who had an affair with a dentist.
+	To make things easier
+	He used anesthesia,
+And diddled her, `non compos mentis'.
+%
+There was a young lady from Rheims
+Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
+	A friend poked around
+	And a fly-button found
+Lodged tight in her hole so it seems.
+%
+There was a young lady from Rio
+Who slept with the Fornier trio.
+	As she dropped her panties
+	She said, "No andanties
+I want this allegro con brio."
+%
+There was a young lady from Siam
+Who said to her lover, one Kiam,
+	"You may kiss me of course,
+	But you'll have to use force.
+Though god knows you're stronger than I am."
+%
+There was a young lady from Spain
+Who demurely undressed on a train.
+	A helpful young porter
+	Helped more than he orter,
+And she promptly cried "Help me again"
+%
+There was a young lady from Spain
+Who got sick as she rode on a train;
+	Not once, but again,
+	And again, and again,
+And again, and again, and again.
+%
+There was a young lady from Spain
+Whose face was exceedingly plain,
+	But her cunt had a pucker
+	That made the men fuck her,
+Again, and again, and again.
+%
+There was a young lady from Troy
+Had a moustache, just like a young boy
+	Though it tickled to kiss
+	'Twas a source of much bliss
+When she used it to brush a man's toy.
+%
+There was a young lady from Wheeling
+Who claimed to lack sexual feeling.
+	But a cynic named Boris
+	Just touched her clitoris
+And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
+%
+There was a young lady from Wheeling
+Who had a peculiar feeling.
+	She laid on her back
+	And tickled her crack
+And pissed all over the ceiling.
+%
+There was a young lady from Wooster
+Who complained that too many men gooster.
+	So she traded her scanties
+	For sandpaper panties,
+Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter.
+%
+There was a young lady in Reno,
+Who lost all her dough playing Keno.
+	But she lay on her back,
+	And opened her crack,
+So now she owns the Casino!
+%
+There was a young lady named Alice
+Who was known to have peed in a chalice.
+	'Twas the common belief
+	It was done for relief,
+And not out of protestant malice.
+%
+There was a young lady named Astor
+Who never let any get past her.
+	She finally got plenty
+	By stopping twenty,
+Which certainly ought to last her.
+%
+There was a young lady named Banker,
+Who slept while the ship lay at anchor,
+	She woke in dismay,
+	When she heard the mate say,
+"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker."
+%
+There was a young lady named Blount
+Who had a rectangular cunt.
+	She learned for diversion
+	Posterior perversion,
+Since no one could fit here in front.
+%
+There was a young lady named Bower
+Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower.
+	But a poet from Perth
+	Laid her flat on the earth,
+And proceeded with penis to plough her.
+%
+There was a young lady named Brent
+With a cunt of enormous extent,
+	And so deep and so wide,
+	The acoustics inside
+Were so good you could hear when you spent.
+%
+There was a young lady named Bright
+Who could travel much faster than light.
+	She took off one day,
+	In a relative way,
+And returned on the previous night.
+%
+There was a young lady named Brook
+Who never could learn how to cook.
+	But on a divan
+	She could please any man-
+She knew every darn trick in the book!
+%
+There was a young lady named Cager
+Who, as the result of a wager,
+	Consented to fart
+	The entire oboe part
+Of Mozart's quartet in F major.
+%
+There was a young lady named Ciss
+Who said, "I think skating's a bliss "
+	But she'll never restate,
+	For a wheel off her skate
+.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM
+%
+There was a young lady named Clair
+Who possessed a magnificent pair;
+	At least so I thought
+	Till I saw one get caught
+On a thorn, and begin losing air.
+%
+There was a young lady named Dot
+Whose cunt was so terribly hot
+	That ten bishops of Rome
+	And the Pope's private gnome
+Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat.
+%
+There was a young lady named Duff
+With a lovely, luxuriant muff.
+	In his haste to get in her
+	One eager beginner
+Lost both of his balls in the rough.
+%
+There was a young lady named Etta
+Who was constantly seen in a swetta.
+	Three reasons she had:
+	To keep warm wasn't bad,
+But the other two reasons were betta.
+%
+There was a young lady named Fleager
+Who was terribly, terribly eager
+	To be all the rage
+	On the tragedy stage,
+Though her talents were pitifully meagre.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+There was a young lady named Flo
+Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
+	So they tried it all night,
+	Till he got it just right...
+Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.
+%
+There was a young lady named Flynn
+Who thought fornication a sin,
+	But when she was tight
+	It seemed quite all right,
+So everyone filled her with gin.
+%
+There was a young lady named Gilda
+Who went on a date with a builder.
+	He said that he would,
+	And he could and he should,
+And he did and it damn well near killed her.
+%
+There was a young lady named Gloria
+Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier,
+	And then by six men,
+	Sir Gerald again,
+And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
+%
+There was a young lady named Gloria,
+Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?"
+	She replied to the chap,
+	"I'll draw you a map,
+Of where others have been to before ya."
+%
+There was a young lady named Grace
+Who would not take a prick in her "place."
+	Though she'd kiss it and suck it,
+	She never would fuck it--
+She just couldn't relax face-to-face.
+%
+There was a young lady named Hall,
+Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
+	The dress caught on fire
+	And burned her entire
+Front page, sporting section, and all.
+%
+There was a young lady named Hatch
+Who would always come through in a scratch.
+	If a guy wouldn't neck her,
+	She'd grab up his pecker
+And shove the damn thing up her snatch.
+%
+There was a young lady named Mable
+Who liked to sprawl out on the table,
+	Then cry to her man,
+	"Stuff in all you can --
+Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able."
+%
+There was a young lady named Mandel
+Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
+	By coming out bare
+	On the main village square
+And frigging herself with a candle.
+%
+There was a young lady named Maud,
+A terrible society fraud:
+	In company, I'm told,
+	She was distant and cold,
+But if you got her alone, Oh God!
+%
+There was a young lady named May
+Who strolled in a park by the way,
+	And she met a youg man
+	Who fucked her and ran --
+Now she goes to the park every day.
+%
+There was a young lady named Nance
+Who learned about fucking in France,
+	And when you'd insert it
+	She'd squeeze till she hurt it,
+And shoved it right back in your pants.
+%
+There was a young lady named Nelly
+Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
+	They could tickle her twat
+	Or be tied in a knot,
+And could even swat flies on her belly.
+%
+There was a young lady named Ransom
+Who was raped three times in a hansom
+	When she cried out for more
+	Said a voice from the floor,
+"My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson
+%
+There was a young lady named Ransom
+Who was rogered three times in a hansom.
+	When she cried out for more
+	A voice from the floor
+Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson."
+%
+There was a young lady named Riddle
+Who had an untouchable middle.
+	She had many friends
+	Because of her ends,
+Since it isn't the middle you diddle.
+%
+There was a young lady named Rose
+Who fainted whenever she chose;
+	She did so one day
+	While playing croquet,
+But was quickly revived with a hose.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+There was a young lady named Rose
+With erogenous zones in her toes.
+	She remained onanistic
+	Till a foot-fetishistic
+Young man became one of her beaux.
+%
+There was a young lady named Schneider
+Who often kept trysts with a spider.
+	She found a strange bliss,
+	In the hiss of her piss,
+As it strained through the cobwebs inside her.
+%
+There was a young lady named Smith
+Whose virtue was largely a myth.
+	She said, "Try as I can
+	I can't find a man
+Who it's fun to be virtuous with."
+%
+There was a young lady named Twiss
+Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
+	For it tickled her bum
+	And caused her to come
+.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
+%
+There was a young lady named Wylde
+Who kept herself quite undefiled
+	By thinking of Jesus;
+	Contagious diseases;
+And the bother of having a child.
+%
+There was a young lady of Arden,
+The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden.
+	Said she with a frown,
+	"I've been sadly let down
+By the tool of a fool in a garden."
+%
+There was a young lady of Bicester
+Who was nicer by far than her sister:
+	The sister would giggle
+	And wiggle and jiggle,
+But this one would come if you kissed her.
+%
+There was a young lady of Brabant
+Who slept with an impotent savant.
+	She admitted, "We shouldn't,
+	But it turned out he couldn't-
+So you can't say we have when we haven't."
+%
+There was a young lady of Bude
+Who walked down the street in the nude.
+	A bobby said, "Whattum
+	Magnificent bottom!"
+And slapped it as hard as he could.
+%
+There was a young lady of Carmia
+Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya.
+	At every cold snap
+	She would climb in your lab,
+So her little base burner could warm ya.
+%
+There was a young lady of Dee
+Who went down to the river to pee.
+	A man in a punt
+	Put his hand on her cunt,
+And God! how I wish it were me.
+%
+There was a young lady of Dee
+Whose hymen was split into three.
+	And when she was diddled
+	The middle string fiddled :
+"Nearer My God To Thee."
+%
+There was a young lady of Dexter
+Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
+	For whenever they'd start
+	He'd unfailingly fart
+With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
+%
+There was a young lady of Dover
+Whose passion was such that it drove her
+	To cry, when you came,
+	"Oh dear!  What a shame!
+Well, now we shall have to start over."
+%
+There was a young lady of Ealing
+And her lover before her was kneeling.
+	Said she, "Dearest Jim,
+	Take your hands off my quim;
+I much prefer fucking to feeling."
+%
+There was a young lady of fashion
+Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
+	To her lover she said,
+	As  they climbed into bed,
+"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"
+%
+There was a young lady of Fez
+Who was known to the public as "Jez."
+	Jezebel was her name,
+	Sucking cocks was the game
+She excelled at (so everyone says).
+%
+There was a young lady of Gaza
+Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
+	The crabs, in a lump,
+	Made tracks to her rump -
+This passing parade did amaze her.
+%
+There was a young lady of Gaza
+Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
+	The crabs, in a lump,
+	Made tracks to her rump -
+This passing parade did amaze her.		
+%
+There was a young lady of Gaza
+Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
+	The crabs, in a lump,
+	Made tracks to her rump--
+This passing parade did amaze her.
+%
+There was a young lady of Gloucester,
+Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
+	She wasn't much hurt,
+	But he dirtied her skirt,
+So think of the anguish it cost her.
+%
+There was a young lady of Gloucester
+Whose friends they thought they had lost her
+	Till they found on the grass
+	The marks of her arse,
+And the knees of the man who had crossed her.
+%
+There was a young lady of Kent,
+Who admitted she knew what it meant
+	When men asked her to dine,
+	And plied her with wine,
+She knew, oh she knew -- but she went!
+%
+There was a young lady of Lee
+Who scrambled up into a tree,
+	When she got there
+	Her arsehole was bare,
+And so was her C U N T.
+%
+There was a young lady of Lincoln
+Who said that her cunt was a pink'un,
+	So she had a prick lent her
+	Which turned it magenta,
+This artful old lady of Lincoln.
+%
+There was a young lady of Natchez
+Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
+	And she often said, "Shit!
+	Why, I'd give either tit
+For a man with equipment that matches."
+
+There was a young fellow named Locke
+Who was born with a two-headed cock.
+	When he'd fondle the thing
+	It would rise up and sing
+An antiphonal chorus by Bach.
+
+But whether these two ever met
+Has not been recorded as yet,
+	Still, it would be diverting
+	To see him inserting
+His whang while it sang a duet.
+%
+There was a young lady of Norway
+Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
+	She said to her beau
+	"Just look at me Joe
+I think I've discovered one more way."
+%
+There was a young lady of Rhyll
+In an omnibus was taken ill,
+	So she called the conductor,
+	Who got in and fucked her,
+Which did more good than a pill.
+%
+There was a young lady of Spain
+Who took down her pants on a train.
+	There was a young porter
+	Saw more than he orter,
+And asked her to do it again.
+%
+There was a young lady of Spain
+Who was fucked by a monk in a drain.
+	They did it again
+	And again and again,
+And again and again and again.
+%
+There was a young lady of Twickenham
+Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
+	On her knees every day
+	To God she would pray
+To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.
+%
+There was a young lady of Wheeling
+Said to her beau, "I've a feeling
+	My little brown jug
+	Has need of a plug" --
+And straightaway she started to peeling.
+%
+There was a young lady of Wheeling
+Who professed to lack sexual feeling.
+	But a cynic named Boris
+	Just touched her clitoris,
+And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
+%
+There was a young lady who said,
+As her bridegroom got into the bed,
+	"I'm tired of this stunt,
+	That they do with one's cunt,
+You can get up my bottom instead."
+%
+There was a young lady whose cunt
+Could accomodate a small punt.
+	Her mother said, "Annie,
+	It matches your fanny,
+Which never was that of a runt."
+%
+There was a young lady whose thighs,
+When spread showed a slit of such size,
+	And so deep and so wide,
+	You could play cards inside,
+Much to her bridegroom's surprise.
+%
+There was a young lass from Surat.
+The cheeks of her ass were so fat
+	That they had to be parted
+	Whenever she farted,
+And also whenever she shat.
+%
+There was a young lass from Surat.
+The cheeks of her ass were so fat
+	That they had to be parted
+	Whenever she farted,
+And also whenever she shat.			
+%
+There was a young laundress named Wrangle
+Whose tits tilted up at an angle.
+	"They may tickle my chin,"
+	She said with a grin,
+"But at least they keep out of the mangle."
+%
+There was a young maiden from Osset
+Whose quim was nine inches across it.
+	Said a young man named Tong,
+	With tool nine inches long,
+"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it."
+%
+There was a young man from Bear Ridge
+Who had strange ideas about marriage.
+	He fucked his wife's mother
+	And sucked off her brother
+And ate up her sister's miscarriage.
+%
+There was a young man from Bel-Aire
+Who was screwing his girl on the stair.
+	But the banister broke
+	So he doubled his stroke
+And finished her off in mid-air.
+%
+There was a young man from Bengal
+Who claimed he had only one ball,
+	But two little bitches
+	Pulled down this man's breeches
+And proved he had nothing at all.
+%
+There was a young man from Biloxi
+Whose bowels responded to Moxie.
+	Drinking glass after glass,
+	He would tune up his ass,
+Till he played like the band at the Roxy.
+%
+There was a young man from Bombay
+Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
+	But the heat of his prick
+	Turned it into a brick
+And rubbed all his foreskin away.
+%
+There was a young man from Boston
+Who rode around in an Austin.
+	There was room for his ass
+	And a gallon of gas,
+But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.
+%
+There was a young man from Calcutta
+Who was heard in his beard to mutter,
+	"If her Bartholin glands
+	Don't respond to my hands,
+I'm afraid I shall have to use butter."
+%
+There was a young man from Dallas
+Who had an exceptional phallus.
+	He couldn't find room
+	In any girl's womb
+Without rubbing it first with Vitalis.
+%
+There was a young man from Dundee
+Who buggered an ape in a tree.
+	The results were quite horrid:
+	All ass and no forehead,
+Three balls and a purple goatee.
+%
+There was a young man from East Lizes
+Whose balls were of two different sizes
+	One was so small
+	It was no ball at all
+The other was large and won prizes.
+%
+There was a young man from East Wubley
+Whose cock was bifurcated doubly.
+	Each quadruplicate shaft
+	Had two balls hanging aft,
+And the general effect was quite lovely.
+
+There was a young man from Hong Kong
+Who had a trifurcated prong:
+	A small one for sucking,
+	A large one for fucking,
+And a `boney' for beating a gong.
+%
+There was a young man from Glengozzle
+Who found a remarkable fossil.
+	He knew by the bend
+	And the wart on the end,
+'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.
+%
+There was a young man from Jodhpur
+Who found he could easily cure
+	His dread diabetes
+	By eating a foetus
+Served up in a sauce of manure.
+%
+There was a young man from Kent
+Whose tool was so long that it bent.
+	To save himself trouble
+	He put it in double
+And instead of coming, he went.
+%
+There was a young man from Lynn
+Whose cock was the size of a pin.
+	Said his girl with a laugh
+	As she felt his staff,
+"This won't be much of a sin."
+%
+There was a young man from Maine
+Whose prick was as strong as a crane;
+	It was almost as long,
+	So he strolled with his dong
+Extended in sunshine and rain.
+%
+There was a young man from Nantucket
+Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
+	But he looked in the glass,
+	And saw his own ass,
+And broke his neck trying to fuck it.
+%
+There was a young man from Nantucket
+Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
+	He said with a grin,
+	While wiping his chin,
+"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it."
+%
+There was a young man from New Haven
+Who had an affair with a raven.
+	He said with a grin
+	As he wiped off his chin,
+"Nevermore!"
+%
+There was a young man from Peru,
+Who took a long trip by canoe.
+	While staring at Venus,
+	And rubbing his penis,
+He wound up with a handful of goo.
+%
+There was a young man from Purdue
+Who was only just learning to screw,
+	But he hadn't the knack,
+	And he got too far back --
+In the right church, but in the wrong pew.
+%
+There was a young man from Racine
+Who invented a fucking machine.
+	Concave or convex,
+	It served either sex,
+But oh what a bitch to keep clean.
+%
+There was a young man from Rangoon
+Who used to lament 'neath the moon
+	That he had the luck
+	To be born of a fuck
+That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.
+%
+There was a young man from Salinas
+Who had an extremely long penis:
+	Believe it or not,
+	When he lay on his cot
+It reached from Marin to Martinez.
+%
+There was a young man from Seattle
+Whose testicles tended to rattle.
+	He said as he fuck-ed
+	Some stones in a bucket,
+"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll."
+%
+There was a young man from Siam
+Who said, "I go in with a wham,
+	But I soon lose my starch
+	Like the mad month of March,
+And the lion comes out like a lamb."
+%
+There was a young man from St. Paul's
+Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's"
+	Till he grew such a passion
+	For feminine fashion
+That he knitted a snood for his balls.
+%
+There was a young man from Stamboul
+Who boasted so torrid a tool
+	That each female crater
+	Explored by this satyr
+Seemed almost unpleasantly cool.
+%
+There was a young man from Tibet-
+And this is the strangest one yet-
+	Whose tool was so long,
+	So pointed and strong,
+He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette".
+%
+There was a young man in Havana,
+Banged his girl on a player-piana.
+	At the height of their fever
+	Her ass hit the lever
+And: yes, he has no banana.
+%
+There was a young man in Norway,
+Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh,
+	But the air was so frigid
+	It froze his cock rigid,
+And all he could come was frappe.
+%
+There was a young man in the choir
+Whose penis rose higher and higher,
+	Till it reached such a height
+	It was quite out of sight --
+But of course you know I'm a liar.
+%
+There was a young man, name of Fred,
+Who spent every Thursday in bed;
+	He lay with his feet
+	Outside of the sheet,
+And the pillows on top of his head.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+There was a young man, name of Saul,
+Who was able to bounce either ball,
+	He could stretch them and snap them,
+	And juggle and clap them,
+Which earned him the plaudits of all.
+%
+There was a young man named Crockett
+Whose balls got caught in a socket.
+	His wife was a bitch
+	So she threw the switch,
+And Crockett went off like a rocket.
+%
+There was a young man named Crockett
+Whose balls got caught in a socket.
+	His wife was a bitch,
+	Yeah, she threw the switch,
+And Crockett went off like a rocket.
+%
+There was a young man named Hughes
+Who swore off all kinds of booze.
+	He said, "When I'm muddled
+	My senses get fuddled,
+And I pass up too many screws."
+%
+There was a young man named Knute
+Who had warts all over his root.
+	He put acid on these
+	And now when he pees,
+He fingers the thing like a flute.
+%
+There was a young man named Laplace
+Whose balls were made out of spun glass.
+	When they banged together
+	They played "Stormy Weather"
+And lightning shot out of his ass.
+%
+There was a young man named McNamiter
+With a tool of prodigious diameter.
+	But it wasn't the size
+	Gave the girls a surprise,
+But his rythm -- iambic pentameter.
+%
+There was a young man named Rex
+Who really was small for his sex.
+	When tried for exposure
+	The judge's disclosure
+Was "de minimus non curat lex."
+%
+There was a young man named Zerubbabel
+Who had only one real, and one rubber ball.
+	When they asked if his pleasure
+	Was only half measure,
+He replied, "That is highly improbable."
+%
+There was a young man named Zerubbabub
+Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club
+	But the pride of his life
+	Were the tits of his wife --
+One real, and one India-rubber bub.
+%
+There was a young man of Arras
+Who stretched himself out on the grass,
+	And with no little trouble,
+	He bent himself double,
+And stuck his prick well up his ass.
+%
+There was a young man of Australia
+Who went on a wild bacchanalia.
+	He buggered a frog,
+	Two mice and a dog,
+And a bishop in fullest regalia.
+%
+There was a young man of Belgrade
+Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade.
+	I will suck, without charge,
+	Any cock, if it's large.
+If it's small, I expect to be paid."
+%
+There was a young man of Belgrade
+Who slept with a girl in the trade.
+	She said to him, "Jack,
+	Try the hole in the back;
+The front one is badly decayed."
+%
+There was a young man of Bengal
+Who swore he had only one ball,
+	But two little bitches
+	Unbuttoned his britches,
+And found he had no balls at all.
+%
+There was a young man of Bombay
+Who buggered his dad once a day.
+	He said, "I like, rather,
+	Fucking my father --
+He's clean, and there's nothing to pay."
+%
+There was a young man of Calcutta,
+Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter.
+	When he got to c-u,
+	A pious Hindoo
+Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter.
+%
+There was a young man of Cape Horn
+Who wished he had never been born,
+	And he wouldn't have been
+	If his father had seen
+That the end of the rubber was torn.
+%
+There was a young man of Coblenz
+Whose ballocks were simply immense:
+	It took forty-four draymen,
+	A priest and three laymen
+To carry them thither and thence.
+%
+There was a young man of Darjeeling
+Whose cock reached up to the ceiling.
+	In the electric light socket,
+	He'd put it and rock it--
+Oh God!  What a wonderful feeling!
+%
+There was a young man of Devizes
+Whose balls were of different sizes.
+	His tool when at ease,
+	Hung down to his knees,
+Oh, what must it be when it rises!
+%
+There was a young man of Devizes,
+Whose balls were of different sizes.
+	One was so small,
+	It was nothing at all;
+The other took numerous prizes.
+%
+There was a young man of Dumfries
+Who said to his girl, "If you please,
+	It would give me great bliss
+	If, while playing with this,
+You would pay some attention to these!"
+%
+There was a young man of Greenwich
+Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
+	So long was his tool
+	That it wound round a spool,
+And he let it out inach by inach.
+%
+There was a young man of high station
+Who was found by a pious relation
+	Making love in a ditch
+	To -- I won't say a bitch --
+But a woman of no reputation.
+%
+There was a young man of Khartoum,
+The strength of whose balls was his doom.
+	So strong was his shootin',
+	The third law of Newton
+Propelled the poor chap to the Moon.
+%
+There was a young man of Khartoum
+Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
+	He not only fucked her,
+	But buggered and sucked her--
+And left her to pay for the room.
+%
+There was a young man of Kildare
+Who was fucking a girl on the stair.
+	The bannister broke,
+	But he doubled his stroke
+And finished her off in mid-air.
+%
+There was a young man of Kutki
+Who could blink himself off with one eye.
+	For a while though, he pined,
+	When his organ declined
+To function, because of a stye.
+%
+There was a young man of Lahore
+Whose prick was one inch and no more.
+	It was all right for key-holes
+	And little girl's pee-holes,
+But not worth a damn with a whore.
+%
+There was a young man of Lake Placid
+Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.
+	When he wanted to sport
+	He would have to resort
+To injections of sulphuric acid.
+%
+There was a young man of Madras
+Whose balls were constructed of brass.
+	When jangled together
+	They played "Stormy Weather",
+And lightning shot out of his ass.
+%
+There was a young man of Missouri
+Who fucked with a terrible fury.
+	Till hauled into court
+	For his beastial sport,
+And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.
+%
+There was a young man of Natal
+And Sue was the name of his gal.
+	One day, north of Aden,
+	He got his hard rod in,
+And came clear up Suez Canal.
+%
+There was a young man of Natal
+Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
+	Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
+	Said he, "You be buggered!
+I like to fuck slow and I shall."
+%
+There was a young man of Ostend
+Who let a girl play with his end.
+	She took hold of Rover,
+	And felt it all over,
+And it did what she didn't intend.
+%
+There was a young man of Ostend
+Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.
+	"It's no use, my duck,
+	Interrupting our fuck,
+For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."
+%
+There was a young man of Saskatchewan,
+Whose penis was truly gargantuan.
+	It was good for large whores,
+	And for small dinosaurs,
+And was rough enough to scratch a match upon.
+%
+There was a young man of Seattle
+Who bested a bull in a battle.
+	With fire and gumption
+	He assumed the bull's function,
+And deflowered a whole herd of cattle.
+%
+There was a young man of St. John's
+Who wanted to bugger the swans.
+	But the loyal hall porter
+	Said, "Pray take my daughter!
+Those birds are reserved for the dons."
+%
+There was a young man of Tibet
+-- And this is the strangest one yet --
+	His prick was so long,
+	And so pointed and strong,
+He could bugger six sheep en brochette.
+%
+There was a young man of Toulouse
+Who had a deficient prepuce,
+	But the foreskin he lacked
+	He made up in his sac;
+The result was, his balls were too loose.
+%
+There was a young man who appeared
+To his friends with a full growth of beard;
+	They at once said, "Although
+	We can't say why it's so,
+The effect is uncommonly weird."
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+There was a young man who said "God,
+I find it exceedingly odd,
+	That the willow oak tree
+	Continues to be,
+When there's no one about in the Quad."
+
+"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
+For I'm always about in the Quad;
+	And that's why the tree,
+	Continues to be,"
+Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
+%
+There was a young man with a fiddle
+Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?"
+	She replied, "Yes, I do,
+	But prefer to with two --
+It's twice as much fun in the middle."
+%
+There was a young man with a prick
+Which into his wife he would stick
+	Every morning and night
+	If it stood up all right --
+Not a very remarkable trick.
+
+His wife had a nice little cunt:
+It was hairy, and soft, and in front,
+	And with this she would fuck him,
+	Though sometimes she'd suck him --
+A charming, if commonplace, stunt.
+%
+There was a young man with one foot
+Who had a very long root.
+	If he used this peg
+	As an extra leg
+Is a question exceedingly moot.
+%
+There was a young miss from Johore
+Who'd lie on a mat on the floor;
+	In a manner uncanny
+	She'd wobble her fanny,
+And drain your nuts dry to the core.
+%
+There was a young monk from Siberia
+Whose life got drearia' and drearia'
+	Till he did to a nun
+	What shouldn't be done
+And made her a mother superia'.
+%
+There was a young monk from Tibet
+And this is the damnedest one yet
+	His cock was so long
+	And incredibly strong
+That he buggered six Greeks en brochette.
+%
+There was a young monk in Siberia,
+Whose morals were very inferior,
+	He jumped on a nun
+	Which he shouldn't have done,
+And now she's a Mother Superior.
+%
+There was a young monk of Dundee
+Who complained that it hurt him to pee,
+	He said, "Pax vobiscum,
+	Now why won't the piss come?
+I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p."
+%
+There was a young parson of Harwich,
+Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage.
+	She said, "No, you young goose,
+	Just try self-abuse.
+And the other we'll try after marriage."
+%
+There was a young peasant named Gorse
+Who fell madly in love with his horse.
+	Said his wife, "You rapscallion,
+	That horse is a stallion --
+This constitutes grounds for divorce."
+%
+There was a young person of Kent
+Who was famous wherever he went.
+	All the way through a fuck,
+	He would quack like a duck,
+And he crowed like a cock when he spent.
+%
+There was a young physicist named Fisk
+Whose lovemaking was rather brisk.
+	So quick was his action,
+	The Lorentz Contraction
+Shortened his rod to a disc !!
+%
+There was a young plumber named Lee
+Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
+	She said, "Stop your plumbing,
+	There's somebody coming"
+Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
+%
+There was a young poet named Dan,
+Whose poetry never would scan.
+	When told this was so,
+	He said, "Yes, I know,
+It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that
+		Last line that I can."
+%
+There was a young poet named Dan,
+Whose poetry never would scan.
+	When told this was so,
+	He said, "Yes, I know.
+It's because I try to put every single
+syllable into the last line that I possibly,
+possibly can."
+%
+There was a young royal marine,
+Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen".
+	When he reached the soprano
+	Out came only guano
+And his britches weren't fit to be seen.
+%
+There was a young sailor from Brighton,
+Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
+	She replied, "'Pon my soul,
+	You're in the wrong hole;
+There's plenty of room in the right one."
+%
+There was a young sailor from Brighton
+Who said to his bird, "You're a tight'un."
+	She replied, "'Pon my soul,
+	You're in the wrong hole
+There's plenty of room in the right'un."
+%
+There was a young sapphic named Anna
+Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana,
+	Which she sucked, bit by bit,
+	From her partner's warm slit,
+In the most approved lesbian manner.
+%
+There was a young Scot in Madrid
+Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.
+	When they said, "Are you faint?"
+	He replied, "No, I ain't,
+But I don't feel as good as I did."
+%
+There was a young soldier from Munich
+Whose penis hung down past his tunic,
+	And their chops girls would lick
+	When they thought of his prick,
+But alas! he was only a eunuch.
+%
+There was a young sportsman named Peel
+Who went for a trip on his wheel;
+	He pedalled for days
+	Through crepuscular haze,
+And returned feeling somewhat unreal.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+There was a young squaw of Wohunt
+Who possessed a collapsible cunt.
+	It had many odd uses,
+	Produced no papooses,
+And fitted both giant and runt.
+%
+There was a young student from Yale
+Who was getting his first piece of tail.
+	He shoved in his pole,
+	But in the wrong hole,
+And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!"
+%
+There was a young trollop at Yale,
+Who had verses tattooed on her tail,
+	And on her behind,
+	For the sake of the blind,
+A duplicate version in Braille.
+%
+There was a young whore from Kaloo
+Who filled her vagina with glue.
+	She said with a grin,
+	"If they pay to get in,
+They can pay to get out again too!"
+%
+There was a young woman called Pearl
+Who quite resembled a churl;
+	When she asked a young man named Tex
+	Whether he would like to have sex,
+"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?"
+%
+There was a young woman from Bude,
+Who went for a swim in the nude,
+	But a man in a punt,
+	Grabbed at her elbow,
+And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property."
+%
+There was a young woman in Dee
+Who stayed with each man she did see.
+	When it came to a test
+	She wished to be best,
+And practice makes perfect, you see.
+%
+There was a young woman named Alice
+Who peed in a Catholic chalice.
+	She said, "I do this
+	From a great need to piss,
+And not from sectarian malice."
+%
+There was a young woman named Ells
+Who was subject to curious spells
+	When got up very oddly,
+	She'd cry out things ungodly
+by the palms in expensive hotels.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+There was a young woman named Florence
+Who for fucking professed an abhorrence,
+	But they found her in bed
+	With her cunt flaming red,
+And her poodle-dog spending in torrents.
+%
+There was a young woman named Plunnery
+Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery.
+	Till one day unobservant,
+	She blew up a servant,
+And was forced to retire to a nunnery.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+There was a young woman named Sutton
+Who said, as she carved up the mutton,
+	"My father preferred
+	The last sheep in the herd --
+This is one of his children I'm cuttin'."
+%
+There was a young woman of Cheadle,
+Who once gave the clap to a beadle.
+	Said she, "Does it itch?"
+	"It does, you damned bitch,
+And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle."
+%
+There was a young woman of Condover
+Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er.
+	Her pussy was juicy,
+	Her arse soft and goosey,
+But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er.
+%
+There was a young woman of Croft
+Who played with herself in a loft,
+	Having reasoned that candles
+	Could never cause scandals,
+Besides which they did not go soft.
+
+Said another young woman of Croft,
+Amusing herself in the loft,
+	"A salami or wurst
+	Is what I'd choose first --
+With bologna you know you've been boffed."
+%
+There was a young woman, quite handsome,
+Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom.
+	When she offered much gold
+	For release, she was told
+That the view was worth more than the ransom.
+%
+There was a young woman whose stammer
+Was atrocious, and so was her grammar;
+	But they were not improved
+	When her husband was moved
+To knock out her teeth with a hammer.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+There was an old abbess quite shocked
+To find nuns where the candles were locked.
+	Said the abbess, "You nuns
+	Should behave more like guns,
+And never go off till you're cocked."
+%
+There was an old bishop from Buckingham
+Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em.
+	His wife with distain
+	Could scarcely restrain
+That sprightly old bishop from * * *.
+%
+There was an old count of Swoboda
+Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
+	So, with great savoir-faire,
+	She stood on a chair
+And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.
+%
+There was an old curate of Hestion
+Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion.
+	But so small was his tool
+	He could scarce screw a spool,
+And a cunt was quite out of the question.
+%
+There was an old fellow named Art
+Who awoke with a horrible start,
+	For down by his rump
+	Was a generous lump
+Of what should have been just a fart.
+%
+There was an old fellow named Skinner
+Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner.
+	But still, by and large,
+	It would always discharge
+Once he could just get it in her.
+%
+There was an old feminine blighter
+Who trained a Chow dog to delight her.
+	She would cream her own pool
+	While she sucked off his tool --
+How his cock in her cunt would excite her!
+%
+There was an old gent from Kentuck
+Who boasted a filigreed schmuck,
+	But he put it away
+	For fear that one day
+He might put it in and get stuck.
+%
+There was an old girl of Kilkenny
+Whose usual charge was a penny.
+	For half of that sum
+	You could finger her bum--
+A source of amusement to many.
+%
+There was an old harlot from Dijon
+Who in her old age got religion.
+	"When I'm dead & gone,"
+	 Said she, "I'll take on
+The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon."
+%
+There was an old hermit named Dave
+Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
+	He said "I'll admit
+	I'm a bit of a shit,
+But look at the money I save."
+%
+There was an old lady of Bingly
+Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly.
+	I thought I had got
+	A bloke for my twat,
+But he seems rather queenly than kingly."
+%
+There was an old lady of Glascow,
+Whose party proved quite a fiasco.
+	At nine-thirty, about,
+	The lights all went out,
+Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co.
+%
+There was an old lady of Kewry
+Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae':
+	The `introitus vaginae',
+	Was unnaturally tiny,
+And the thought of it filled her with fury.
+%
+There was an old lady who lay
+With her legs wide apart in the hay,
+	Then, calling the ploughman,
+	She said, "Do it now, man!
+Don't wait till your hair has turned gray."
+%
+There was an old maid from Cape Cod
+Who thought all good things came from god.
+	But it wasn't the almighty
+	Who lifted her nighty,
+It was Roger, the lodger, by god.
+%
+There was an old man from Bengal
+Who liked to do tricks in the hall.
+	His favorite trick
+	Was to stand on his dick
+While he rolled around on one ball.
+%
+There was an old man from Duluth
+Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
+	He fucked with his nose
+	Or his fingers and toes
+And he came thru a hole in his tooth.
+%
+There was an old man from Fort Drum
+Whose son was incredibly dumb.
+	When he urged him ahead,
+	He went down instead,
+For he thought to succeed meant succumb.
+%
+There was an old man of Alsace
+Who played the trombone with his ass.
+	He put in a trap
+	To take out the crap,
+But the vapors corroded the brass.
+%
+There was an old man of Brienz
+The length of whose cock was immense:
+	With one swerve he could plug
+	A boy's bottom in Zug,
+And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz.
+%
+There was an old man of Cajon
+Who never could get a good bone.
+	With the aid of a gland
+	It grew simply grand;
+Now his wife cannot leave it alone.
+%
+There was an old man of Calcutta
+Who spied through a chink in the shutter.
+	But all he could see
+	Was his wife's bare knee,
+And the back of the bloke who was up her.
+%
+There was an old man of Connaught
+Whose prick was remarkably short.
+	When he got into bed,
+	The old woman said,
+"This isn't a prick, it's a wart."
+%
+There was an old man of Duddee
+Who came home as drunk as could be.
+	He wound up the clock
+	With the end of his cock,
+And buggered his wife with the key.
+%
+There was an old man of Duluth
+Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
+	He fucked with his nose
+	And with fingers and toes,
+And he came through a hole in his tooth.
+%
+There was an old man of Hong Kong
+Who never did anything wrong.
+	He would lie on his back
+	With his head in a sack
+And secretly finger his dong.
+%
+There was an old man of St. Bees,
+Who was stung in the arm by a wasp.
+	When asked, "Does it hurt?"
+	He relied, "No, it doesn't.
+I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet."
+%
+There was an old man of St. Bees,
+Who was stung in the arm by a wasp.
+	When asked, "Does it hurt?"
+	He relied, "No, it doesn't.
+I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet."
+		-- W.S. Gilbert
+%
+There was an old man of Tagore
+Whose tool was a yard long or more,
+	So he wore the damn thing
+	In a surgical sling
+To keep it from wiping the floor.
+%
+There was an Old Man of the Mountain
+Who frigged himself into a fountain
+	Fifteen times had he spent,
+	Still he wasn't content,
+He simply got tired of the counting.
+%
+There was an old man of the port
+Whose prick was remarkably short.
+	When he got into bed,
+	The old woman said,
+"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
+%
+There was an old man of the port
+Whose prick was remarkably short.
+	When he got into bed,
+	The old woman said,
+"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
+%
+There was an old man of the port
+Whose prick was remarkably short.
+     When he got into bed,
+     The old woman said,
+"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
+%
+There was an old man who said, "Tush!
+My balls always hang in the brush,
+	And I fumble about,
+	Half in and half out,
+With a pecker as limber as mush."
+%
+There was an old man with a beard
+Who said, "It is just what I feared!
+	Two owls and a hen,
+	Four larks and a wren
+Have all built their nests in my beard!" 
+%
+There was an old person of Ware
+Who had an affair with a bear.
+	He explained, "I don't mind,
+	For it's gentle and kind,
+But I wish it had slightly less hair."
+%
+There was an old pirate named Bates
+Who was learning to rhumba on skates
+	He fell on his cutlass
+	Which rendered him nutless
+And practically useless on dates.
+%
+There was an old satyr named Mack
+Whose prick had a left handed tack.
+	If the ladies he loves
+	Don't spin when he shoves,
+Their cervixes frequently crack.
+%
+There was an old Scot named McTavish
+Who attempted an anthropoid ravish.
+	The object of rape
+	Was the wrong sex of ape,
+And the anthropoid ravished McTavish.
+%
+There was an old whore from Silesia
+Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya,
+	For a slight extra sum
+	You can go up my bum
+But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya."
+%
+There was an old whore in the Azores
+Whose body was covered with festers & sores.
+	Why the dogs in the street
+	Wouldn't eat the green meat
+That hung in festoons from her drawers.
+%
+There was an old woman of Ghent
+Who swore that her cunt had no scent.
+	She got fucked so often
+	At last she got rotten,
+And didn't she stink when she spent.
+%
+There was once a mechanic named Bench
+Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench.
+	With this vibrant device
+	He could reach, in a trice,
+The innermost parts of a wench.
+%
+There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel
+Who said, "They can all go to hell!
+	What they do to my wife--
+	Why it ruins my life;
+And the worst is, they all do it well.
+%
+There were three ladies of Huxham,
+And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em,
+	And when that game grows stale
+	We sits on a rail,
+And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em.
+%
+There were three young ladies of Birmingham,
+And this is the scandal concerning 'em.
+	They lifted the frock
+	And tickled the cock
+Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.
+
+Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool,
+He'd been to a good public school,
+	So he took down their britches
+	And buggered those bitches
+With his ten-inch episcopal tool.
+
+Then up spoke a lady from Kew,
+And said, as the Bishop withdrew,
+	"The vicar is quicker
+	And thicker and slicker,
+And longer and stronger than you."
+		-- Abuses of the Clergy
+%
+There's a charming young girl in Tobruk
+Who refers to her quiff as a nook.
+	It's deep and it's wide,
+	-- You can curl up inside
+With a nice easy chair and a book.
+%
+There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu
+Who's often been screwed by yours truly,
+	But now--it's appallin'--
+	My balls always fall in!
+I fear that I've fucked her unduly.
+%
+There's a dowager near Sweden Landing
+Whose manners are odd and demanding.
+	It's one of her jests
+	To suck off her guests --
+She hates to keep gentlemen standing.
+%
+There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock
+Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock,
+	But her cunt's got a pucker
+	That's best not to fuck, or
+When least you expect it to, it'll lock.
+%
+There's a rather odd couple in Herts
+Who are cousins (or so each asserts);
+	Their sex is in doubt
+	For they're never without
+Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+There's a sports-minded coed named Sue,
+Who's been coxing the varsity crew.
+	In the shell Sue is great,
+	But her boyfriend's irate,
+When she calls out the stroke as they screw.
+%
+There's a tavern in London that's staffed,
+By a barmaid who's tops at her craft:
+	In her striving to please,
+	She serves ale on her knees,
+So the patrons get head with their draft.
+%
+There's a very hot babe at the Aggies
+Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is.
+	The seniors go round
+	Hanging down to the ground,
+And one extra-large Soph has to drag his.
+%
+There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious,
+Since his shocking perversions are various...
+	He will bugger some lad
+	With a dildo (the cad!)
+While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!"
+%
+There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts,
+Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz.
+	When one pireg is shot,
+	There's that alternate twat,
+But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts.
+%
+There's an oversexed lady named Whyte
+Who insists on a dozen a night.
+	A fellow named Cheddar
+	Had the brashness to wed her-
+His chance of survival is slight.
+%
+There's an unbroken babe from Toronto,
+Exceedingly hard to get onto,
+	But when you get there,
+	And have parted the hair,
+You can fuck her as much as you want to.
+%
+They had come in the fugue to the stretto
+When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto
+	Slipped forward and grabbed
+	Her tresses and stabbed
+Her to death with a rusty stiletto. 
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz,
+Was to do what man normally does,
+	She declared, "I'm a Soul-
+	Not a sexual goal!"
+So he shrugged and called someone who was.
+%
+Though most of the crewmen are whites,
+Uhura has full equal rights.
+	Her crewmates, you see,
+	Love De-mo-cra-cy,
+And the way that she fills out her tights.
+%
+Though the invalid Saint of Brac
+Lay all of his life on his back,
+	His wife got her share,
+	And the pilgrims now stare
+At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque.
+%
+'Tis a custom in Castellamare
+To fuck in the back of a lorry.
+	The chassis and springs
+	Are like woodwinds and strings
+In the midst of a musical soiree.
+%
+To a weepy young woman in Thrums
+Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes
+	Of allowing your tears
+	To fall into my ears -
+I think they have rotted the drums."
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable.
+Their fertility was somewhat unstable.
+	He constructed a bed 
+	Out of tree trunks and said,
+"Even adders can multiply on a log table."
+%
+To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!
+Your cunt is as big as a dish!"
+	She replied, "Why, you fool,
+	With your limp little tool
+It's like driving a nail with a fish!"
+%
+To his bride said a numskull named Clarence :
+"I trust you will show some forbearance.
+	My sexual habits
+	I picked up from rabbits,
+And occasionally watching my parents."
+%
+To his bride said economist Fife :
+"The semen you'll launch as my wife,
+	We will salvage and freeze
+	To resemble goat's cheese,
+And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife."
+%
+To his bride said the keen-eyed detective,
+"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
+	Has the east tit the least bit
+	The best of the west tit,
+Or is it the faulty perspective?"
+%
+To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective,
+"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
+	Is your east tit the least bit
+	The best of your west tit,
+Or is it a trick of perspective?"
+%
+To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple,
+As he poured his post-prandial tipple,
+	"Your mother's behaviour
+	Gave pain to Our Saviour,
+And that's why He made you a cripple."
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+Two anglers were fishing off Wight
+And his bobber was dipping all night.
+	Murmured she, with a laugh,
+	"It's ready to gaff,
+But don't break your rod which is light."
+
+A couple was fishing near Clombe
+When the maid began looking quite glum,
+	And said, "Bother the fish!
+	I'd rather coish!"
+Which they did -- which was why they had come.
+
+As two consular clerks in Madras
+Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass,
+	"What a marvelous pole,"
+	Said she, "but control
+Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass."
+%
+Two eager young men from Cawnpore
+Once buggared and fucked the same whore.
+	But her partition split
+	And the blood and the shit
+Rolled out in a mess on the floor.
+%
+Two roosters in one of our pens
+Found their pricks were no larger than wens.
+	As they looked at their foreskins
+	And wished they had more skins,
+They discovered they'd both become hens.
+%
+Under the spreading chestnut tree
+The village smith he sat,
+	Amusing himself
+	By abusing himself
+And catching the load in his hat.
+%
+Une joile epousetta a Tours
+Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours.
+	Mais le mari disait, "Non!
+	De trop n'est pas bon!
+Mon derriere exige du secours!"
+%
+Visas erat: huic geminarum
+Dispar modus testicularum:
+	Minor haec nihili,
+	Palma triplici,
+Jam fecerat altera clarum.
+%
+We dedicate this to the cunt,
+The kind the broad-minded guys hunt :
+	All hail to the twat,
+	Willing, thrilling, and hot,
+That wears peckers down, limp and blunt!
+%
+When I was a baby, my penis
+Was as white as the buttocks of Venus.
+	But now 'this as red
+	As her nipples instead--
+All because of the feminie genus!
+%
+When they asked a pert baggage name Alice,
+Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace,
+	"Was he modest or vain?"
+	"Was he regal or plain?"
+She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!"
+%
+When you fuck little Annie in Anza
+You get a great bossom bonanza:
+	Sucking Annie's soft tits
+	Makes her throw fifty fits,
+And the fuck is a sextravaganza!
+%
+While his duchess lay practically dead,
+The Duke of Daguerrodargue said:
+	"Can it be this is all?
+	How puny! How small!
+Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed."
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
+Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
+	She explained, "They are flat,
+	But think nothing of that --
+You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
+%
+While out on a date in his Fiat,
+The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?"
+	As he bent down to seek,
+	She let out a shriek:
+"That's not where it's likely to be at."
+%
+While spending the winter at Pau
+Lady Pamela forgot to say "No."
+	So the head-porter made her
+	And the second-cook laid her;
+The waiters were all hanging low.
+%
+While Titian was mixing rose madder,
+His model reclined on a ladder.
+	Her position to Titian
+	Suggested coition,
+So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er.
+%
+While travelling in farthest Tibet,
+Lord Irongate found cause to regret
+	The buttered-up tea,
+	A pain in his knee,
+And the frivolous tourists he met.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+Winter is here with his grouch,
+The time when you sneeze and you slouch.
+	You can't take your women
+	Canoein' or swimmin',
+But a lot can be done on a couch.
+%
+With his penis in turgid erection,
+And aimed at woman's mid-section,
+	Man looks most uncouth
+	In that Moment of Truth,
+But she sheathes it with loving affection.
+%
+You Women's Lib gals won't agree,
+But dependent on men you must be:
+	You'll need a him
+	With a rod firm and trim,
+To puggle your water-drains free!
+%
+Young Frederick the great was a beaut.
+To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute.
+	If you'll come to my palace,
+	I'll finger your phallus,
+And then I shall blow on your flute."
+%
+You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham,
+Well, here's the new story concerning 'im :
+	He buggers the choir
+	As they sing "Ave Maria,"
+And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em.
+%
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/startrek b/games/fortune/datfiles/startrek
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a5155cb
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/startrek
@@ -0,0 +1,756 @@
+A father doesn't destroy his children.
+		-- Lt. Carolyn Palamas, "Who Mourns for Adonais?",
+		   stardate 3468.1.
+%
+A little suffering is good for the soul.
+		-- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0
+%
+A man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it head-on and
+licks it, or he turns his back on it and starts to wither away.
+		-- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
+%
+A princess should not be afraid -- not with a brave knight to protect
+her.
+		-- McCoy, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.3
+%
+A star captain's most solemn oath is that he will give his life, even
+his entire crew, rather than violate the Prime Directive.
+		-- Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
+%
+A Vulcan can no sooner be disloyal than he can exist without
+breathing.
+		-- Kirk, "The Menagerie", stardate 3012.4
+%
+A woman should have compassion.
+		-- Kirk, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2
+%
+Actual war is a very messy business.  Very, very messy business.
+		-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
+%
+After a time, you may find that "having" is not so pleasing a thing,
+after all, as "wanting."  It is not logical, but it is often true.
+		-- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
+%
+All your people must learn before you can reach for the stars.
+		-- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion", stardate 3259.2
+%
+Another Armenia, Belgium ... the weak innocents who always seem to be
+located on a natural invasion route.
+		-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.4
+%
+Another dream that failed.  There's nothing sadder.
+		-- Kirk, "This side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
+%
+Another war ... must it always be so?  How many comrades have we lost
+in this way? ...  Obedience.  Duty.  Death, and more death ...
+		-- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
+%
+... bacteriological warfare ... hard to believe we were once foolish
+enough to play around with that.
+		-- McCoy, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
+%
+"Beauty is transitory."
+"Beauty survives."
+		-- Spock and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
+%
+Behind every great man, there is a woman -- urging him on.
+		-- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
+%
+Blast medicine anyway!  We've learned to tie into every organ in the
+human body but one.  The brain!  The brain is what life is all about.
+		-- McCoy, "The Menagerie", stardate 3012.4
+%
+But it's real.  And if it's real it can be affected ...  we may not be
+able to break it, but, I'll bet you credits to Navy Beans we can put a
+dent in it.
+		-- deSalle, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2
+%
+"Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away with
+jealousy, greed, hate ..."
+
+"It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness, sentiment --
+the other side of the coin"
+		-- Dr. Roger Corby and Kirk, "What are Little Girls Made Of?",
+		   stardate 2712.4
+%
+Change is the essential process of all existence.
+		-- Spock, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield", stardate 5730.2
+%
+Compassion -- that's the one things no machine ever had.  Maybe it's
+the one thing that keeps men ahead of them.
+		-- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
+%
+Computers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no wish to
+serve under them.  Captain, a starship also runs on loyalty to one
+man.  And nothing can replace it or him.
+		-- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
+%
+Conquest is easy. Control is not.
+		-- Kirk, "Mirror, Mirror", stardate unknown
+%
+Death, when unnecessary, is a tragic thing.
+		-- Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7
+%
+Death.  Destruction.  Disease.  Horror.  That's what war is all about.
+That's what makes it a thing to be avoided.
+		-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
+%
+Do you know about being with somebody?  Wanting to be?  If I had the
+whole universe, I'd give it to you, Janice.  When I see you, I feel
+like I'm hungry all over.  Do you know how that feels?
+		-- Charlie Evans, "Charlie X", stardate 1535.8
+%
+Do you know the one -- "All I ask is a tall ship, and a star to steer
+her by ..."  You could feel the wind at your back, about you ...  the
+sounds of the sea beneath you.  And even if you take away the wind and
+the water, it's still the same.  The ship is yours ... you can feel her
+... and the stars are still there.
+		-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
+%
+[Doctors and Bartenders], We both get the same two kinds of customers
+-- the living and the dying.
+		-- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
+%
+Each kiss is as the first.
+		-- Miramanee, Kirk's wife, "The Paradise Syndrome",
+		   stardate 4842.6
+%
+Earth -- mother of the most beautiful women in the universe.
+		-- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1
+%
+Either one of us, by himself, is expendable.  Both of us are not.
+		-- Kirk, "The Devil in the Dark", stardate 3196.1
+%
+Emotions are alien to me.  I'm a scientist.
+		-- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
+%
+Even historians fail to learn from history -- they repeat the same
+mistakes.
+		-- John Gill, "Patterns of Force", stardate 2534.7
+%
+Every living thing wants to survive.
+		-- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
+%
+"Evil does seek to maintain power by suppressing the truth."
+"Or by misleading the innocent."
+		-- Spock and McCoy, "And The Children Shall Lead",
+		   stardate 5029.5.
+%
+Extreme feminine beauty is always disturbing.
+		-- Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4
+%
+Fascinating is a word I use for the unexpected.
+		-- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
+%
+Fascinating, a totally parochial attitude.
+		-- Spock, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
+%
+First study the enemy.  Seek weakness.
+		-- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
+%
+Four thousand throats may be cut in one night by a running man.
+		-- Klingon Soldier, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
+%
+"... freedom ... is a worship word..."
+"It is our worship word too."
+		-- Cloud William and Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
+%
+Genius doesn't work on an assembly line basis.  You can't simply say,
+"Today I will be brilliant."
+		-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
+%
+"Get back to your stations!"
+"We're beaming down to the planet, sir."
+		-- Kirk and Mr. Leslie, "This Side of Paradise",
+		   stardate 3417.3
+%
+He's dead, Jim
+		-- McCoy, "The Devil in the Dark", stardate 3196.1
+%
+History tends to exaggerate.
+		-- Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
+%
+Humans do claim a great deal for that particular emotion (love).
+		-- Spock, "The Lights of Zetar", stardate 5725.6
+%
+I am pleased to see that we have differences.  May we together become
+greater than the sum of both of us.
+		-- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
+%
+I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to
+any question.
+		-- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
+%
+I object to intellect without discipline;  I object to power without
+constructive purpose.
+		-- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
+%
+I realize that command does have its fascination, even under
+circumstances such as these, but I neither enjoy the idea of command
+nor am I frightened of it.  It simply exists, and I will do whatever
+logically needs to be done.
+		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2812.7
+%
+"I think they're going to take all this money that we spend now on war
+and death --"
+"And make them spend it on life."
+		-- Edith Keeler and Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever",
+		   stardate unknown.
+%
+I thought my people would grow tired of killing.  But you were right,
+they see it is easier than trading.  And it has its pleasures.  I feel
+it myself.  Like the hunt, but with richer rewards.
+		-- Apella, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
+%
+I'm a soldier, not a diplomat.  I can only tell the truth.
+		-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.9
+%
+I'm frequently appalled by the low regard you Earthmen have for life.
+		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
+%
+I've already got a female to worry about.  Her name is the Enterprise.
+		-- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0
+%
+If a man had a child who'd gone anti-social, killed perhaps, he'd still
+tend to protect that child.
+		-- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
+%
+If I can have honesty, it's easier to overlook mistakes.
+		-- Kirk, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
+%
+If some day we are defeated, well, war has its fortunes, good and bad.
+		-- Commander Kor, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
+%
+If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them.
+		-- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.7
+%
+Immortality consists largely of boredom.
+		-- Zefrem Cochrane, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
+%
+In the strict scientific sense we all feed on death -- even
+vegetarians.
+		-- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4
+%
+Insufficient facts always invite danger.
+		-- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
+%
+Insults are effective only where emotion is present.
+		-- Spock, "Who Mourns for Adonais?"  stardate 3468.1
+%
+Intuition, however illogical, is recognized as a command prerogative.
+		-- Kirk, "Obsession", stardate 3620.7
+%
+Is not that the nature of men and women -- that the pleasure is in the
+learning of each other?
+		-- Natira, the High Priestess of Yonada, "For the World is
+		   Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky", stardate 5476.3.
+%
+Is truth not truth for all?
+		-- Natira, "For the World is Hollow and I have Touched
+		   the Sky", stardate 5476.4.
+%
+It [being a Vulcan] means to adopt a philosophy, a way of life which is
+logical and beneficial.  We cannot disregard that philosophy merely for
+personal gain, no matter how important that gain might be.
+		-- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
+%
+It is a human characteristic to love little animals, especially if
+they're attractive in some way.
+		-- McCoy, "The Trouble with Tribbles", stardate 4525.6
+%
+It is more rational to sacrifice one life than six.
+		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
+%
+It is necessary to have purpose.
+		-- Alice #1, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
+%
+It is undignified for a woman to play servant to a man who is not
+hers.
+		-- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
+%
+It would be illogical to assume that all conditions remain stable
+		-- Spock, "The Enterprise" Incident", stardate 5027.3
+%
+It would be illogical to kill without reason
+		-- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
+%
+It would seem that evil retreats when forcibly confronted
+		-- Yarnek of Excalbia, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
+%
+"It's hard to believe that something which is neither seen nor felt can
+do so much harm."
+
+"That's true.  But an idea can't be seen or felt.  And that's what kept
+the Troglytes in the mines all these centuries.  A mistaken idea."
+		-- Vanna and Kirk, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5819.0
+%
+Killing is stupid; useless!
+		-- McCoy, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
+%
+Killing is wrong.
+		-- Losira, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
+%
+Knowledge, sir, should be free to all!
+		-- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
+%
+Landru! Guide us!
+		-- A Beta 3-oid, "The Return of the Archons", stardate 3157.4
+%
+Leave bigotry in your quarters; there's no room for it on the bridge.
+		-- Kirk, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
+%
+"Life and death are seldom logical."
+"But attaining a desired goal always is."
+		-- McCoy and Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2821.7
+%
+Live long and prosper.
+		-- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
+%
+"Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here."
+"You admit that?"
+"To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor"
+		-- Spock and McCoy, "A Piece of the Action", stardate unknown
+%
+Lots of people drink from the wrong bottle sometimes.
+		-- Edith Keeler, "The City on the Edge of Forever",
+		   stardate unknown
+%
+Love sometimes expresses itself in sacrifice.
+		-- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3220.3
+%
+Madness has no purpose.  Or reason.  But it may have a goal.
+		-- Spock, "The Alternative Factor", stardate 3088.7
+%
+Many Myths are based on truth
+		-- Spock, "The Way to Eden",  stardate 5832.3
+%
+Men don't talk peace unless they're ready to back it up with war.
+		-- Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
+%
+Men of peace usually are [brave].
+		-- Spock, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
+%
+Men will always be men -- no matter where they are.
+		-- Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1329.8
+%
+Military secrets are the most fleeting of all.
+		-- Spock, "The Enterprise Incident", stardate 5027.4
+%
+Most legends have their basis in facts.
+		-- Kirk, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5
+%
+Murder is contrary to the laws of man and God.
+		-- M-5 Computer, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
+%
+No more blah, blah, blah!
+		-- Kirk, "Miri", stardate 2713.6
+%
+No one can guarantee the actions of another.
+		-- Spock, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
+%
+No one may kill a man.  Not for any purpose.  It cannot be condoned.
+		-- Kirk, "Spock's Brain", stardate 5431.6
+%
+"No one talks peace unless he's ready to back it up with war."
+"He talks of peace if it is the only way to live."
+		-- Colonel Green and Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain",
+		   stardate 5906.5.
+%
+No one wants war.
+		-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
+%
+No problem is insoluble.
+		-- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4
+%
+Not one hundred percent efficient, of course ... but nothing ever is.
+		-- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
+%
+Oblivion together does not frighten me, beloved.
+		-- Thalassa (in Anne Mulhall's body), "Return to Tomorrow",
+		   stardate 4770.3.
+%
+Oh, that sound of male ego.  You travel halfway across the galaxy and
+it's still the same song.
+		-- Eve McHuron, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1
+%
+On my planet, to rest is to rest -- to cease using energy.  To me, it
+is quite illogical to run up and down on green grass, using energy,
+instead of saving it.
+		-- Spock, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.2
+%
+One does not thank logic.
+		-- Sarek, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
+%
+One of the advantages of being a captain is being able to ask for
+advice without necessarily having to take it.
+		-- Kirk, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.2
+%
+Only a fool fights in a burning house.
+		-- Kank the Klingon, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
+%
+Our missions are peaceful -- not for conquest.  When we do battle, it
+is only because we have no choice.
+		-- Kirk, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
+%
+Our way is peace.
+		-- Septimus, the Son Worshiper, "Bread and Circuses",
+		   stardate 4040.7.
+%
+Pain is a thing of the mind.  The mind can be controlled.
+		-- Spock, "Operation -- Annihilate!" stardate 3287.2
+%
+Peace was the way.
+		-- Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate unknown
+%
+Power is danger.
+		-- The Centurion, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
+%
+Prepare for tomorrow -- get ready.
+		-- Edith Keeler, "The City On the Edge of Forever",
+		   stardate unknown
+%
+Punishment becomes ineffective after a certain point.  Men become
+insensitive.
+		-- Eneg, "Patterns of Force", stardate 2534.7
+%
+Respect is a rational process
+		-- McCoy, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
+%
+Romulan women are not like Vulcan females.  We are not dedicated to
+pure logic and the sterility of non-emotion.
+		-- Romulan Commander, "The Enterprise Incident",
+		   stardate 5027.3
+%
+Schshschshchsch.
+		-- The Gorn, "Arena", stardate 3046.2
+%
+Sometimes a feeling is all we humans have to go on.
+		-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.9
+%
+Sometimes a man will tell his bartender things he'll never tell his doctor.
+		-- Dr. Phillip Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"),
+		   stardate unknown.
+%
+Star Trek Lives!
+%
+Suffocating together ... would create heroic camaraderie.
+		-- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3142.8
+%
+Superior ability breeds superior ambition.
+		-- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
+%
+"That unit is a woman."
+"A mass of conflicting impulses."
+		-- Spock and Nomad, "The Changeling", stardate 3541.9
+%
+"The combination of a number of things to make existence worthwhile."
+"Yes, the philosophy of 'none,' meaning 'all.'"
+		-- Spock and Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
+%
+The face of war has never changed.  Surely it is more logical to heal
+than to kill.
+		-- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
+%
+The games have always strengthened us.  Death becomes a familiar
+pattern.  We don't fear it as you do.
+		-- Proconsul Marcus Claudius, "Bread and Circuses",
+		   stardate 4041.2
+%
+"The glory of creation is in its infinite diversity."
+"And in the way our differences combine to create meaning and beauty."
+		-- Dr. Miranda Jones and Spock, "Is There in Truth No Beauty?",
+		   stardate 5630.8
+%
+The heart is not a logical organ.
+		-- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4
+%
+The idea of male and female are universal constants.
+		-- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
+%
+The joys of love made her human and the agonies of love destroyed her.
+		-- Spock, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5842.8
+%
+The man on tops walks a lonely street; the "chain" of command is often
+a noose.
+%
+The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of
+play.
+		-- Kirk, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.8
+%
+The only solution is ... a balance of power.  We arm our side with
+exactly that much more.  A balance of power -- the trickiest, most
+difficult, dirtiest game of them all.  But the only one that preserves
+both sides.
+		-- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
+%
+The people of Gideon have always believed that life is sacred.  That
+the love of life is the greatest gift ... We are incapable of
+destroying or interfering with the creation of that which we love so
+deeply -- life in every form from fetus to developed being.
+		-- Hodin of Gideon, "The Mark of Gideon", stardate 5423.4
+%
+... The prejudices people feel about each other disappear when then get
+to know each other.
+		-- Kirk, "Elaan of Troyius", stardate 4372.5
+%
+"The release of emotion is what keeps us health.  Emotionally healthy."
+
+"That may be, Doctor.  However, I have noted that the healthy release
+of emotion is frequently unhealthy for those closest to you."
+		-- McCoy and Spock, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3
+%
+The sight of death frightens them [Earthers].
+		-- Kras the Klingon, "Friday's Child", stardate 3497.2
+%
+The sooner our happiness together begins, the longer it will last.
+		-- Miramanee, "The Paradise Syndrome", stardate 4842.6
+%
+... The things love can drive a man to -- the ecstasies, the
+the miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious
+failures and the glorious victories.
+		-- McCoy, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7
+%
+There are always alternatives.
+		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
+%
+There are certain things men must do to remain men.
+		-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4929.4
+%
+There are some things worth dying for.
+		-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
+%
+There comes to all races an ultimate crisis which you have yet to face
+.... One day our minds became so powerful we dared think of ourselves
+as gods.
+		-- Sargon, "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4768.3
+%
+There is a multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
+		-- Spock, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.9
+%
+There is an old custom among my people.  When a woman saves a man's
+life, he is grateful.
+		-- Nona, the Kanuto which woman, "A Private Little War",
+		   stardate 4211.8.
+%
+There is an order of things in this universe.
+		-- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1
+%
+There's a way out of any cage.
+		-- Captain Christopher Pike, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"),
+		   stardate unknown.
+%
+There's another way to survive.  Mutual trust -- and help.
+		-- Kirk, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
+%
+There's no honorable way to kill, no gentle way to destroy.  There is
+nothing good in war.  Except its ending.
+		-- Abraham Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
+%
+There's nothing disgusting about it [the Companion].  It's just another
+life form, that's all.  You get used to those things.
+		-- McCoy, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
+%
+"There's only one kind of woman ..."
+"Or man, for that matter.  You either believe in yourself or you don't."
+		-- Kirk and Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1
+%
+This cultural mystique surrounding the biological function -- you
+realize humans are overly preoccupied with the subject.
+		-- Kelinda the Kelvan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4658.9
+%
+Those who hate and fight must stop themselves -- otherwise it is not
+stopped.
+		-- Spock, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
+%
+Time is fluid ... like a river with currents, eddies, backwash.
+		-- Spock, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0
+%
+To live is always desirable.
+		-- Eleen the Capellan, "Friday's Child", stardate 3498.9
+%
+Too much of anything, even love, isn't necessarily a good thing.
+		-- Kirk, "The Trouble with Tribbles", stardate 4525.6
+%
+Totally illogical, there was no chance.
+		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
+%
+Uncontrolled power will turn even saints into savages.  And we can all
+be counted on to live down to our lowest impulses.
+		-- Parmen, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3
+%
+Violence in reality is quite different from theory.
+		-- Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4
+%
+Virtue is a relative term.
+		-- Spock, "Friday's Child", stardate 3499.1
+%
+Vulcans believe peace should not depend on force.
+		-- Amanda, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.3
+%
+Vulcans do not approve of violence.
+		-- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
+%
+Vulcans never bluff.
+		-- Spock, "The Doomsday Machine", stardate 4202.1
+%
+Vulcans worship peace above all.
+		-- McCoy, "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4768.3
+%
+Wait!  You have not been prepared!
+		-- Mr. Atoz, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate 3113.2
+%
+War is never imperative.
+		-- McCoy, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
+%
+War isn't a good life, but it's life.
+		-- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
+%
+[War] is instinctive.  But the instinct can be fought.  We're human
+beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands!  But we
+can stop it.  We can admit that we're killers ... but we're not going
+to kill today.  That's all it takes!  Knowing that we're not going to
+kill today!
+		-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
+%
+We do not colonize.  We conquer.  We rule.  There is no other way for
+us.
+		-- Rojan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4657.5
+%
+We fight only when there is no other choice.  We prefer the ways of
+peaceful contact.
+		-- Kirk, "Spectre of the Gun", stardate 4385.3
+%
+We have found all life forms in the galaxy are capable of superior
+development.
+		-- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion", stardate 3211.7
+%
+We have phasers, I vote we blast 'em!
+		-- Bailey, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.2
+%
+"We have the right to survive!"
+"Not be killing others."
+		-- Deela and Kirk, "Wink of An Eye", stardate 5710.5
+%
+We Klingons believe as you do -- the sick should die.  Only the strong
+should live.
+		-- Kras, "Friday's Child", stardate 3497.2
+%
+We're all sorry for the other guy when he loses his job to a machine.
+But when it comes to your job -- that's different.  And it always will
+be different.
+		-- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
+%
+"What happened to the crewman?"
+
+"The M-5 computer needed a new power source, the crewman merely got in
+the way."
+		-- Kirk and Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer",
+		   stardate 4731.3.
+%
+What kind of love is that?  Not to be loved; never to have shown love.
+		-- Commissioner Nancy Hedford, "Metamorphosis",
+		   stardate 3219.8
+%
+"What terrible way to die."
+"There are no good ways."
+		-- Sulu and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
+%
+When a child is taught ... its programmed with simple instructions --
+and at some point, if its mind develops properly, it exceeds the sum of
+what it was taught, thinks independently.
+		-- Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer",
+		   stardate 4731.3.
+%
+When dreams become more important than reality, you give up travel,
+building, creating; you even forget how to repair the machines left
+behind by your ancestors.  You just sit living and reliving other lives
+left behind in the thought records.
+		-- Vina, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
+%
+Where there's no emotion, there's no motive for violence.
+		-- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.1
+%
+Witch!  Witch!  They'll burn ya!
+		-- Hag, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate unknown
+%
+Without facts, the decision cannot be made logically.  You must rely on
+your human intuition.
+		-- Spock, "Assignment: Earth", stardate unknown
+%
+Without followers, evil cannot spread.
+		-- Spock, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5
+%
+Without freedom of choice there is no creativity.
+		-- Kirk, "The return of the Archons", stardate 3157.4
+%
+Women are more easily and more deeply terrified ... generating more
+sheer horror than the male of the species.
+		-- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4
+%
+Women professionals do tend to over-compensate.
+		-- Dr. Elizabeth Dehaver, "Where No Man Has Gone Before",
+		   stardate 1312.9.
+%
+Worlds are conquered, galaxies destroyed -- but a woman is always a
+woman.
+		-- Kirk, "Conscience of the King", stardate unknown
+%
+Worlds may change, galaxies disintegrate, but a woman always remains a
+woman.
+		-- Kirk, "The Conscience of the King", stardate 2818.9
+%
+Yes, it is written.  Good shall always destroy evil.
+		-- Sirah the Yang, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
+%
+You are an excellent tactician, Captain.  You let your second in
+command attack while you sit and watch for weakness.
+		-- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
+%
+You can't evaluate a man by logic alone.
+		-- McCoy, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
+%
+You Earth people glorified organized violence for forty centuries.  But
+you imprison those who employ it privately.
+		-- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.1
+%
+You go slow, be gentle.  It's no one-way street -- you know how you
+feel and that's all.  It's how the girl feels too.  Don't press.  If
+the girl feels anything for you at all, you'll know.
+		-- Kirk, "Charlie X", stardate 1535.8
+%
+You humans have that emotional need to express gratitude.  "You're
+welcome," I believe, is the correct response.
+		-- Spock, "Bread and Circuses", stardate 4041.2
+%
+You say you are lying.  But if everything you say is a lie, then you
+are telling the truth.  You cannot tell the truth because everything
+you say is a lie.  You lie, you tell the truth ... but you cannot, for
+you lie.
+		-- Norman the android, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
+%
+You speak of courage.  Obviously you do not know the difference between
+courage and foolhardiness.  Always it is the brave ones who die, the
+soldiers.
+		-- Kor, the Klingon Commander, "Errand of Mercy",
+		   stardate 3201.7
+%
+You!  What PLANET is this!
+		-- McCoy, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0
+%
+You'll learn something about men and women -- the way they're supposed
+to be.  Caring for each other, being happy with each other, being good
+to each other.  That's what we call love.  You'll like that a lot.
+		-- Kirk, "The Apple", stardate 3715.6
+%
+You're dead, Jim.
+		-- McCoy, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
+%
+You're dead, Jim.
+		-- McCoy, "The Tholian Web", stardate unknown
+%
+You're too beautiful to ignore.  Too much woman.
+		-- Kirk to Yeoman Rand, "The Enemy Within", stardate unknown
+%
+Youth doesn't excuse everything.
+		-- Dr. Janice Lester (in Kirk's body), "Turnabout Intruder",
+		   stardate 5928.5.
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/startrek.sp.ok b/games/fortune/datfiles/startrek.sp.ok
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..41ecbdf
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/startrek.sp.ok
@@ -0,0 +1,86 @@
+Adonais
+Amanda
+Apella
+Archons
+Armenia
+Atoz
+Capellan
+Catspaw
+Centurion
+Changeling
+Claudius
+Corbomite
+Corby
+Daystrom
+Deela
+Dehaver
+Elaan
+Eleen
+Eneg
+Excalbia
+Galileo
+Gorn
+Gothos
+Hag
+Hedford
+Hodin
+Kank
+Kanuto
+Kelinda
+Kelvan
+Klingon
+Klingons
+Kor
+Kras
+Landru
+Losira
+Lt
+McHuron
+Miramanee
+Miri
+Mulhall's
+Natira
+Nomad
+Nona
+Noonian
+Palamas
+Parmen
+Phillip
+Priestess
+Proconsul
+Requiem
+Rojan
+Romulan
+Sarek
+Sargon
+Schshschshchsch
+Septimus
+Singh
+Sirah
+Spectre
+Spock
+Spock's
+Stepchildren
+Sulu
+Surak
+Thalassa
+Tholian
+Tribbles
+Triskelion
+Troglytes
+Troyius
+Vanna
+Vina
+Yarnek
+Yonada
+Zefrem
+Zetar
+android
+backwash
+bacteriological
+blah
+deSalle
+oid
+stardate
+tactician
+ya
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/zippy b/games/fortune/datfiles/zippy
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c9ed106
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/zippy
@@ -0,0 +1,1333 @@
+A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!!
+%
+A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!
+%
+A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume..
+%
+A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled
+with LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight??
+%
+Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!!
+%
+All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
+by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...
+%
+All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER, grow
+a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!! ...  Although I don't know
+WHY!!
+%
+All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!
+%
+All right, you degenerates!  I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!
+%
+All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT!
+%
+Alright, you!!  Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!
+%
+Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN?
+%
+Am I elected yet?
+%
+Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet?
+%
+Am I SHOPLIFTING?
+%
+America!!  I saw it all!!  Vomiting!  Waving!  JERRY FALWELLING into
+your void tube of UHF oblivion!!  SAFEWAY of the mind ...
+%
+An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!!
+%
+An INK-LING?  Sure -- TAKE one!!  Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS??
+%
+An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES!
+%
+And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!!
+%
+ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like RICARDO
+MONTALBAN'S HAIR!
+%
+Are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER?
+%
+Are we live or on tape?
+%
+Are we on STRIKE yet?
+%
+Are we THERE yet?
+%
+Are we THERE yet?  My MIND is a SUBMARINE!!
+%
+Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut??
+%
+Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS??  If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!!
+%
+Are you still an ALCOHOLIC?
+%
+As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection!
+%
+Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY?
+%
+BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!!
+%
+Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away!
+But Ken says, WOO-WOO!!  No credit at "Mr. Liquor"!!
+%
+BARRY ... That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of "I DID IT MY
+WAY" I've ever heard!!
+%
+Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST.
+%
+BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot ...
+%
+BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-
+%
+... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
+%
+Bo Derek ruined my life!
+%
+Boy, am I glad it's only 1971...
+%
+Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!!
+%
+But they went to MARS around 1953!!
+%
+But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade?
+%
+Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead?
+%
+Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE?
+%
+Catsup and Mustard all over the place!  It's the Human Hamburger!
+%
+CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH!
+%
+Civilization is fun!  Anyway, it keeps me busy!!
+%
+Clear the laundromat!!  This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!!
+%
+Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS!  Remember the SERIAL
+NUMBERS!!  Follow the WHIPPLE AVE. EXIT!!  Have a FREE PEPSI!!  Turn
+LEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!!  JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!!  MAKE me an OFFER!!!
+%
+CONGRATULATIONS!  Now should I make thinly veiled comments about
+DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE??
+%
+Content:  80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRONi ... The waitress's UNIFORM sheds
+TARTAR SAUCE like an 8" by 10" GLOSSY ...
+%
+Could I have a drug overdose?
+%
+Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations in
+a MALIBU HOT TUB?
+%
+Did I do an INCORRECT THING??
+%
+Did I say I was a sardine?  Or a bus???
+%
+Did I SELL OUT yet??
+%
+Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?
+%
+Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy?
+%
+DIDI ... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL?
+%
+Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?
+%
+Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running
+straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the
+dollar!
+%
+Do I have a lifestyle yet?
+%
+Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space?
+%
+Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat??
+%
+Do you like "TENDER VITTLES"?
+%
+Do you think the "Monkees" should get gas on odd or even days?
+%
+Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me?
+%
+does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS?
+%
+DON'T go!!  I'm not HOWARD COSELL!!  I know POLISH JOKES ... WAIT!!
+Don't go!!  I AM Howard Cosell! ... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!!
+%
+Don't hit me!!  I'm in the Twilight Zone!!!
+%
+Don't SANFORIZE me!!
+%
+Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either! ...
+FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, BLACK
+STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY! ...  Are there any QUESTIONS??
+%
+Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!!
+%
+Eisenhower!!  Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!!
+%
+Either CONFESS now or we go to "PEOPLE'S COURT"!!
+%
+Everybody gets free BORSCHT!
+%
+Everybody is going somewhere!!  It's probably a garage sale or a
+disaster Movie!!
+%
+Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT ...
+%
+Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the survival of
+OFFSET PRINTING?
+%
+FEELINGS are cascading over me!!!
+%
+Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the faculty
+dining room.
+%
+First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test ...  So
+just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!!
+%
+FOOLED you!  Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!!
+%
+for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!!
+%
+Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my
+gothic solarium!!
+%
+FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS ...
+%
+FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!!
+%
+Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make my
+satellite dish PAYMENTS!
+%
+Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ...
+%
+Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!!
+%
+Go on, EMOTE!  I was RAISED on thought balloons!!
+%
+GOOD-NIGHT, everybody ... Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID to my
+pet LEISURE SUIT!!
+%
+HAIR TONICS, please!!
+%
+Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste!
+%
+Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard -- I'm living for
+today!
+%
+Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES??
+%
+Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES?? ...  Now, it's
+time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!!
+%
+... he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.
+%
+He is the MELBA-BEING ... the ANGEL CAKE ... XEROX him ... XEROX him --
+%
+He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE inside me
+like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER!  Or maybe he'd like to
+PSYCHOLIGICALLY TERRORISE ME until I have no objection to a RIGHT-WING
+MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!!  I guess I should call AL PACINO!
+%
+HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!
+%
+HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!
+%
+Hello, GORRY-O!!  I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!!
+%
+Hello.  I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic Alaskan
+females!!
+%
+Hello.  Just walk along and try NOT to think about your INTESTINES
+being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!!
+%
+Hello...  IRON CURTAIN?  Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA!  World War III?  No
+thanks!
+%
+Hello?  Enema Bondage?  I'm calling because I want to be happy, I
+guess ...
+%
+Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying my urine sample
+bottles ...
+%
+Here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!!
+%
+Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN
+anywhere!!
+%
+Here we are in America ... when do we collect unemployment?
+%
+Hey, wait a minute!!  I want a divorce!! ... you're not Clint Eastwood!!
+%
+Hey, waiter!  I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce!
+%
+Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some
+drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!!
+%
+Hmmm ... a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT by a
+TROLLEY-CAR ...
+%
+Hmmm ... A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted
+island, when ...
+%
+Hmmm ... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET
+FIDDLE ORCHESTRA ... ha ... ha ...
+%
+Hmmm ... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of POLYVINYL
+CHLORIDE ...
+%
+Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS ...
+%
+HOORAY, Ronald!!  Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!!
+%
+How do I get HOME?
+%
+How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions?  It's th'
+MOUSTACHE ...  Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates SINCERITY,
+HONESTY & WARMTH?  It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take HOME and introduce
+to NANCY SINATRA!
+%
+How many retured bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing PENCIL
+SHARPENERS right NOW??
+%
+How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS??
+%
+How's the wife?  Is she at home enjoying capitalism?
+%
+hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub.
+%
+HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!!
+%
+HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST ...
+%
+I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!!
+%
+I am a jelly donut.  I am a jelly donut.
+%
+I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginzberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927!
+%
+I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller!
+%
+I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST!
+%
+I am having FUN...  I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN?
+%
+I am NOT a nut....
+%
+I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!!
+%
+I brought my BOWLING BALL -- and some DRUGS!!
+%
+I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!!
+%
+I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!!  I wonder if BOB
+GUCCIONE has these problems!
+%
+I can't think about that.  It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of
+LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS ...
+%
+I demand IMPUNITY!
+%
+I didn't order any WOO-WOO ... Maybe a YUBBA ... But no WOO-WOO!
+%
+I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE ... I think it's all
+just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell
+more numbers!!
+%
+... I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q.
+LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!
+%
+I don't know WHY I said that ... I think it came from the FILLINGS in
+my read molars ...
+%
+... I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN.
+%
+I don't understand the HUMOUR of the THREE STOOGES!!
+%
+I feel ... JUGULAR ...
+%
+I feel better about world problems now!
+%
+I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon!
+%
+I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV ...
+%
+I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!!
+%
+I feel partially hydrogenated!
+%
+I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies of the
+"WATCHTOWER" and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to the top ...  They look NICE
+in the yard ...
+%
+I guess it was all a DREAM ... or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O ...
+%
+I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING!
+%
+I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81 ...
+%
+I had pancake makeup for brunch!
+%
+I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD
+%
+I have a very good DENTAL PLAN.  Thank you.
+%
+I have a VISION!  It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!!
+%
+I have accepted Provolone into my life!
+%
+I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..
+%
+... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ...
+%
+-- I have seen the FUN --
+%
+I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ...
+%
+I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... I have read the
+INSTRUCTIONS ...
+%
+I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!!
+%
+I HAVE to buy a new "DODGE MISER" and two dozen JORDACHE JEANS because
+my viewscreen is "USER-FRIENDLY"!!
+%
+I haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling
+every day from Oral Roberts!!
+%
+I hope I bought the right relish ... zzzzzzzzz ...
+%
+I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have a REASON to
+live!!
+%
+I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control ...
+%
+I hope you millionaires are having fun!  I just invested half your life
+savings in yeast!!
+%
+I invented skydiving in 1989!
+%
+I joined scientology at a garage sale!!
+%
+I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
+%
+I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker ... But now I can't remember WHO he
+is ...
+%
+I just had a NOSE JOB!!
+%
+I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON!
+%
+I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!!  And I was just getting in touch
+with my LEISURE SUIT!!
+%
+I just remembered something about a TOAD!
+%
+I KAISER ROLL?!  What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little COLE SLAW
+on the SIDE?
+%
+I Know A Joke
+%
+I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!
+%
+I know th'MAMBO!!  I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!
+%
+I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!!
+%
+I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!
+%
+I like the way ONLY their mouths move ...  They look like DYING OYSTERS
+%
+I like your SNOOPY POSTER!!
+%
+-- I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC.  We're going away
+now.  I fed the cat.
+%
+I love ROCK 'N ROLL!  I memorized the all WORDS to "WIPE-OUT" in
+1965!!
+%
+I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least six studio
+SLEAZEBALLS!!
+%
+I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!!
+%
+I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank!
+%
+I put aside my copy of "BOWLING WORLD" and think about GUN CONTROL
+legislation..
+%
+I represent a sardine!!
+%
+I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers!
+%
+... I see TOILET SEATS ...
+%
+I selected E5 ... but I didn't hear "Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs"!
+%
+I smell a RANCID CORN DOG!
+%
+I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day!
+%
+I think I am an overnight sensation right now!!
+%
+... I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common
+MISAPPREHENSIONS ...
+%
+I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this 14th STORY WINDOW while
+reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!!
+%
+I think my career is ruined!
+%
+I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the HIGH
+RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!!
+%
+... I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!!
+%
+I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go ... with EXTRA MSG!!
+%
+I want a WESSON OIL lease!!
+%
+I want another RE-WRITE on my CEASAR SALAD!!
+%
+I want EARS!  I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n
+secure!!
+%
+... I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within
+SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!!
+%
+I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres.
+%
+I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINE
+and WHEAT THINS ...
+%
+I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
+%
+I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!
+%
+... I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!
+%
+I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space ...
+%
+I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!!
+%
+I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY
+... BACKWARDS!!
+%
+I want you to organize my PASTRY trays ... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in
+formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES -- please don't be FURIOUS with
+me --
+%
+I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution!
+%
+I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus!
+%
+I wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!!
+%
+I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog!
+%
+I wonder if BOB GUCCIONE has these problems!
+%
+I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world?
+%
+I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE as a COMPLETE
+STRANGER?
+%
+I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!!
+%
+I wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight?
+%
+I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool --
+%
+I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried!
+%
+I'd like some JUNK FOOD ... and then I want to be ALONE --
+%
+I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!!
+%
+I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS ...
+%
+I'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany
+%
+I'm a GENIUS!  I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN
+SONTAG!!
+%
+I'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex!
+%
+I'm also against BODY-SURFING!!
+%
+I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!!
+%
+I'm ANN LANDERS!!  I can SHOPLIFT!!
+%
+I'm changing the CHANNEL ... But all I get is commercials for "RONCO
+MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS"!
+%
+I'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!!
+%
+I'm definitely not in Omaha!
+%
+I'm DESPONDENT ... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this
+miniature DOMED STADIUM ...
+%
+I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!!  Too late...
+%
+I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!!
+%
+I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!!
+%
+I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!!
+%
+I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!!
+%
+I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!!
+%
+I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS!
+%
+I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE ... and I don't take any DRUGS
+%
+I'm having a tax-deductible experience!  I need an energy crunch!!
+%
+I'm having an emotional outburst!!
+%
+I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!!  But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE in
+my PAJAMA POCKET??
+%
+I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES of smug and
+wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS ...
+%
+I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!!
+%
+... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM
+of a KOSHER DELI --
+%
+I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.
+%
+I'm into SOFTWARE!
+%
+I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my
+PERSONAL SPACE!!
+%
+I'm mentally OVERDRAWN!  What's that SIGNPOST up ahead?  Where's ROD
+STERLING when you really need him?
+%
+I'm not an Iranian!!  I voted for Dianne Feinstein!!
+%
+I'm not available for comment..
+%
+I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT!  Am I doing it correctly??
+%
+I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS instead of RICARDO
+MONTALBAN!
+%
+I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of "BOWLING WORLD" while my wife
+and two children stand QUIETLY BY ...
+%
+I'm rated PG-34!!
+%
+I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!!
+%
+I'm RELIGIOUS!!  I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!!  Equip me with
+MISSILES!!
+%
+I'm reporting for duty as a modern person.  I want to do the Latin
+Hustle now!
+%
+I'm shaving!!  I'M SHAVING!!
+%
+I'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN ... To me, it's ENJOYABLE ... I'm WARM
+... I'm VIBRATORY ...
+%
+I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and computer-generated
+IMAGE FORMATIONS ...
+%
+I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of
+CHICKEN ...
+%
+I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the INNER
+WORKINGS of this POTATO!!
+%
+I'm wearing PAMPERS!!
+%
+I'm wet!  I'm wild!
+%
+I'm young ... I'm HEALTHY ... I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR
+REGIONS!
+%
+I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode.
+%
+I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT ...
+%
+I've got an IDEA!!  Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, you forget your
+SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!
+%
+I've read SEVEN MILLION books!!
+%
+... ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr ... ich lande im
+antiken Rom ...  einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble ... ich rieche
+PIZZA ...
+%
+If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD for
+MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE of a
+GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!!
+%
+If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American a 55-year-old
+houseboy ...
+%
+If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!
+%
+If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
+replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!
+%
+If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!
+%
+If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th' collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!
+%
+... If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate
+man!!
+%
+If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!!  Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!
+%
+if it GLISTENS, gobble it!!
+%
+If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!
+%
+If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry
+Bonzo??
+%
+In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a "Continental
+Belt," for $10.99!!
+%
+In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!
+%
+INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!!
+%
+Inside, I'm already SOBBING!
+%
+Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship?  Or are we suffering in
+Safeway?
+%
+Is he the MAGIC INCA carrying a FROG on his shoulders??  Is the FROG
+his GUIDELIGHT??  It is curious that a DOG runs already on the
+ESCALATOR ...
+%
+Is it 1974?  What's for SUPPER?  Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in one
+wild afternoon??
+%
+Is it clean in other dimensions?
+%
+Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop in a
+plate of SAUCE MORNAY?
+%
+Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN?
+%
+Is this an out-take from the "BRADY BUNCH"?
+%
+Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy?
+%
+Is this TERMINAL fun?
+%
+Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also
+makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR?
+%
+Isn't this my STOP?!
+%
+It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!
+%
+It was a JOKE!!  Get it??  I was receiving messages from DAVID
+LETTERMAN!!  YOW!!
+%
+It's a lot of fun being alive ... I wonder if my bed is made?!?
+%
+It's NO USE ... I've gone to "CLUB MED"!!
+%
+It's OBVIOUS ... The FURS never reached ISTANBUL ... You were an EXTRA
+in the REMAKE of "TOPKAPI" ... Go home to your WIFE ... She's making
+FRENCH TOAST!
+%
+It's OKAY -- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too.
+%
+It's the RINSE CYCLE!!  They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!!
+%
+JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach their level
+of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING ...
+%
+Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
+%
+Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL ...
+%
+Kids, don't gross me off ... "Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE" can be
+carried too FAR!
+%
+Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA,
+PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!!
+%
+Laundry is the fifth dimension!!  ... um ... um ... th' washing machine
+is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!!
+%
+LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??!
+%
+Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you ... I want to WRAP you in a
+SCARLET ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE ... I want to EMPTY your
+ASHTRAYS ...
+%
+Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS ...
+%
+Let's all show human CONCERN for REVERAND MOON's legal difficulties!!
+%
+Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories!
+%
+Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST!  I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!!
+%
+Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!!
+%
+Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!!
+%
+Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!!  Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS ... or a
+HIGHBALL?? ...
+%
+Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge
+card!
+%
+Look!  A ladder!  Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!
+%
+LOOK!!  Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and "Flock of
+Seagulls" HAIRCUTS!
+%
+Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!!
+%
+Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP in a
+cheap hotel in HONOLULU!
+%
+Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE --
+%
+MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician!
+%
+MMM-MM!!  So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION! 
+%
+Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!!  A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed with the
+shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!! ... Oh BOY!!  I'm about to swallow a
+TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and
+SUGAR!! ... Let's see ... Next, I'll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE,
+BABY LAMBS fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded
+animal someone once PETTED!! ... YUM!!  That was GOOD!!  For DESSERT,
+I'll have a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS on a stone-ground, WHOLE
+WHEAT BUN!!
+%
+Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production of
+the INDONESIAN archipelago?
+%
+My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!!
+%
+My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off ... It has noiseless DOZE
+FUNCTION and full kitchen!!
+%
+My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE in upstate New
+York!!
+%
+My EARS are GONE!!
+%
+My face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's
+care!!!!
+%
+My haircut is totally traditional!
+%
+MY income is ALL disposable!
+%
+My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN ...
+%
+My life is a patio of fun!
+%
+My mind is a potato field ...
+%
+My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton ...
+%
+My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ...
+%
+my NOSE is NUMB!
+%
+... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
+Alley!!
+%
+My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!
+%
+My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!
+%
+My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C.  And I can prove it too!!
+%
+My vaseline is RUNNING...
+%
+NANCY!!  Why is everything RED?!
+%
+NATHAN ... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!!  They're VOIDED -- They
+COLLAPSED They had no CHAINSAWS ... They had no MONEY MACHINES ... They
+did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS ... Nathan, I EMULATED them ... but
+they were OFF-KEY ...
+%
+NEWARK has been REZONED!!  DES MOINES has been REZONED!!
+%
+Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
+%
+Not SENSUOUS ... only "FROLICSOME" ... and in need of DENTAL WORK ...
+in PAIN!!!
+%
+Now I am depressed ...
+%
+Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes JUST
+BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER!
+%
+Now I understand the meaning of "THE MOD SQUAD"!
+%
+Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP with the
+BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!
+%
+Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World
+War II!
+%
+Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beatiful, round wives of
+HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS and being approached
+by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ...
+%
+Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ...
+%
+Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the SMELTING
+and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!!
+%
+Now that I have my "APPLE", I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!!
+%
+... Now, it's time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!!
+%
+Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!
+%
+Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --
+%
+Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!
+%
+Oh, I get it!!  "The BEACH goes on", huh, SONNY??
+%
+Okay ... I'm going home to write the "I HATE RUBIK's CUBE HANDBOOK FOR
+DEAD CAT LOVERS" ...
+%
+OKAY!!  Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING, FULLY-EQUIPPED
+R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!!
+%
+OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS??  Oh, YEH!!  First you need 4 GALLONS of JELL-O
+and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if
+it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... ... or ... I ... um ... WHERE'S
+the WASHING MACHINES?
+%
+On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and watch REGIS
+PHILBIN ...  It's GREAT to be ALIVE!!
+%
+On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL
+QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD if only we let it!!
+%
+On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a
+POINT.
+%
+Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family of
+DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their PROPERTY
+VALUES!!
+%
+Once, there was NO fun ... This was before MENU planning, FASHION
+statements or NAUTILUS equipment ... Then, in 1985 ... FUN was
+completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP ... It contain 14,768 vaguely
+amusing SIT-COM pilots!!  We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we
+finally got JERRY LEWIS, MTV and a large selection of creme-filled
+snack cakes!
+%
+One FISHWICH coming up!!
+%
+ONE:    I will donate my entire "BABY HUEY" comic book collection to
+	the downtown PLASMA CENTER ...
+TWO:	I won't START a BAND called "KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD" ...
+THREE:	I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!!
+%
+... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last
+Tuesday?
+%
+Our father who art in heaven ... I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY at this
+table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN ... and also
+leave a GENEROUS TIP ....
+%
+over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting ...
+%
+OVER the underpass!  UNDER the overpass!  Around the FUTURE and BEYOND
+REPAIR!!
+%
+PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?
+%
+Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE with your
+BOOTH!
+%
+PEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT.
+%
+PIZZA!!
+%
+Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS in the
+Trianon Room!!  Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES!
+%
+Please come home with me ... I have Tylenol!!
+%
+Psychoanalysis??  I thought this was a nude rap session!!!
+%
+PUNK ROCK!!  DISCO DUCK!!  BIRTH CONTROL!!
+%
+Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
+%
+RELATIVES!!
+%
+Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available ONLY by
+prescription!!
+%
+RHAPSODY in Glue!
+%
+SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright blue LEG WARMERS
+... He scrubs the POPE with a mild soap or detergent for 15 minutes,
+starring JANE FONDA!!
+%
+Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474, San Francisco, CA
+94140, USA
+%
+SHHHH!!  I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS into
+empty OIL DRUMS ...
+%
+Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley?
+%
+Should I get locked in the PRINCICAL'S OFFICE today -- or have a
+VASECTOMY??
+%
+Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK
+hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST?
+%
+Sign my PETITION.
+%
+So this is what it feels like to be potato salad
+%
+So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYABEAN FUTURES into HIGH-YIELD T-BILL
+INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks will DWINDLE to a rate of 2
+SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!!
+%
+someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN
+%
+Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!!
+%
+Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB
+CHOP!!
+%
+Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up a
+batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!!
+%
+Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing "Leave it
+to Beaver"!
+%
+Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!!  I wonder why?
+%
+TAILFINS!! ... click ...
+%
+	Talking Pinhead Blues:
+Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on channel
+    TWENTY-SIX!!
+
+Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS has been
+    DEAD for YEARS..  (sniff)
+
+My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th' dog, ALEXANDER HAIG
+    won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter ... (snurf)
+
+So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me upside mah HAID!!
+    (on no, no, no..  Heh, heh)
+%
+TAPPING?  You POLITICIANS!  Don't you realize that the END of the "Wash
+Cycle" is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?!
+%
+Tex SEX!  The HOME of WHEELS!  The dripping of COFFEE!!  Take me to
+Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!!
+%
+Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL
+%
+Thank god!! ... It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!!
+%
+The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth
+the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!!
+%
+The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality --
+and have since BIRTH!!
+%
+The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading down my
+SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!!
+%
+The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN ...
+%
+... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued
+OYSTER!  Yum!
+%
+The Korean War must have been fun.
+%
+... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
+%
+The Osmonds!  You are all Osmonds!!  Throwing up on a freeway at
+dawn!!!
+%
+The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!!
+%
+The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!!  But they went to MARS
+around 1953!!
+%
+The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU ...
+%
+There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS
+in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!!
+%
+There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni!
+%
+These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!!
+%
+They collapsed ... like nuns in the street ... they had no teen
+appeal!
+%
+This ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD ... He's so ... so ... URGENT!!
+%
+This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!!
+%
+This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully pressed up
+against someone's MARTINI!!
+%
+... this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!
+%
+This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!
+%
+This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE ... And he has "VISA"!!
+%
+This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience!  Someone I DON'T LIKE is
+talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film ...
+%
+Those aren't WINOS -- that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST, my SWORD
+SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!!
+%
+Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a ... feeling for the
+aesthetic modules --
+%
+Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of TAB HUNTER
+before his MAKEOVER!
+%
+Toes, knees, NIPPLES.  Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES ...
+Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
+%
+TONY RANDALL!  Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??
+%
+Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader
+frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend?
+%
+Uh-oh!!  I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS!
+%
+UH-OH!!  I put on "GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's" by
+mistake!!!
+%
+UH-OH!!  I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S having a
+NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!!  Ha ha.
+%
+Uh-oh!!  I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!
+%
+UH-OH!!  We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS!
+%
+Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE!
+%
+VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
+%
+Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
+TAX-DEFERRED!
+%
+Wait ... is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat
+Junction??
+%
+Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN?  It tastes REAL GOOD!!
+%
+We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot
+tub ...
+%
+We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR --
+%
+We just joined the civil hair patrol!
+%
+We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home.
+45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head!
+%
+Well, here I am in AMERICA..  I LIKE it.  I HATE it.  I LIKE it.  I
+HATE it.  I LIKE it.  I HATE it.  I LIKE it.  I HATE it.  I LIKE ...
+EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!!
+%
+Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!!  And I'm looking for a way to
+VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
+%
+Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN ... I might as well pay a visit to the LADIES
+ROOM ...
+%
+Well, O.K.  I'll compromise with my principles because of EXISTENTIAL
+DESPAIR!
+%
+Were these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE?
+%
+What a COINCIDENCE!  I'm an authorized "SNOOTS OF THE STARS" dealer!!
+%
+What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY?
+%
+What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK ...
+%
+What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf?
+%
+What PROGRAM are they watching?
+%
+What UNIVERSE is this, please??
+%
+What's the MATTER Sid? ... Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory?
+%
+When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP or
+DETERGENT for 15 minutes.  He seemed to enjoy it ...
+%
+When this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN ...
+%
+When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING?
+%
+When you said "HEAVILY FORESTED" it reminded me of an overdue CLEANING
+BILL ... Don't you SEE?  O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE COIN COLLECTION
+and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!!
+%
+Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER?
+%
+Where does it go when you flush?
+%
+Where's SANDY DUNCAN?
+%
+Where's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT??
+%
+Where's the Coke machine?  Tell me a joke!!
+%
+While my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING, Jesuit
+priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
+%
+While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S bank account ...  his
+will have the same effect as two "STARCH BLOCKERS"!
+%
+WHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?!
+%
+WHOA!!  Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!!  It must be the
+NEGATIVE IONS!!
+%
+Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me??
+%
+Why don't you ever enter and CONTESTS, Marvin??  Don't you know your
+own ZIPCODE?
+%
+Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex?
+%
+Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your HOME ENTERTAINMENT
+CENTER with you??
+%
+Will it improve my CASH FLOW?
+%
+Will the third world war keep "Bosom Buddies" off the air?
+%
+Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease?
+%
+With YOU, I can be MYSELF ...  We don't NEED Dan Rather ...
+%
+World War III?  No thanks!
+%
+World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
+dress code!
+%
+Wow!  Look!!  A stray meatball!!  Let's interview it!
+%
+Xerox your lunch and file it under "sex offenders"!
+%
+Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather at an IRON
+MAIDEN concert?
+%
+You can't hurt me!!  I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!!
+%
+You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR th'
+distinction between FANTASY and REALITY?
+%
+You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA?
+%
+YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!!
+%
+You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide on a NEW
+CAREER!!
+%
+You were s'posed to laugh!
+%
+YOU!!  Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little VICTORIAN
+DOLLHOUSE you can find!!  An make it SNAPPY!!
+%
+Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS --
+%
+Youth of today!  Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental
+attitudes!
+%
+Yow!
+%
+Yow!  Am I having fun yet?
+%
+Yow!  Am I in Milwaukee?
+%
+Yow!  And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!
+%
+Yow!  Are we laid back yet?
+%
+Yow!  Are we wet yet?
+%
+Yow!  Are you the self-frying president?
+%
+Yow!  Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie??
+%
+Yow!  I just went below the poverty line!
+%
+Yow!  I threw up on my window!
+%
+Yow!  I want my nose in lights!
+%
+Yow!  I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua!
+%
+Yow!  I'm having a quadrophonic sensation of two winos alone in a steel
+mill!
+%
+Yow!  I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce!
+%
+Yow!  Is my fallout shelter termite proof?
+%
+Yow!  Is this sexual intercourse yet??  Is it, huh, is it??
+%
+Yow!  It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank!
+%
+Yow!  It's some people inside the wall!  This is better than mopping!
+%
+Yow!  Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY --
+%
+Yow!  Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING
+BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!
+%
+Yow!  Now we can become alcoholics!
+%
+Yow!  Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!
+%
+Yow!  We're going to a new disco!
+%
+YOW!!  Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!
+%
+YOW!!  I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!!
+%
+YOW!!  Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY and th' new TAX REFORM
+laws!!
+%
+YOW!!  The land of the rising SONY!!
+%
+YOW!!  Up ahead!  It's a DONUT HUT!!
+%
+YOW!!  What should the entire human race DO??  Consume a fifth of
+CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild SEX WEEKEND!
+%
+YOW!!!  I am having fun!!!
+%
+Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses ...
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/zippy.sp.ok b/games/fortune/datfiles/zippy.sp.ok
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..67c616b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/zippy.sp.ok
@@ -0,0 +1,210 @@
+ANAL
+ASEXUAL
+Astro
+B.C
+BANKHEAD
+BI
+BIO
+BORSCHT
+BRAINPAN
+BURRITO
+BURRITOS
+Barbie
+Bo
+Bonzo
+CARCRASH
+CASIO
+CHAINSAWS
+CHIVAS
+COM
+CORDOVANS
+COSELL
+CROATIAN
+Carlsbad
+Clift
+Cosell
+Cupcake
+DAQUIRI
+DELI
+DIDI
+DISCO
+DISNEYWORLD
+DONUT
+DOUGHBOY
+Darvon
+Di
+Disco
+Donnie
+EDSELS
+EMOTE
+EUBIE
+Enema
+FALAFEL
+FISHNET
+FISHWICH
+FLEMMING
+FLOATATION
+FROLICSOME
+Feinstein
+GOLDIE
+GORRY
+GUCCIONE
+GUIDELIGHT
+Gibble
+Ginzberg
+HAIRPIECE
+HAWN
+HAYWORTH
+HITCHHIKING
+HOAX
+HOUSECAT
+Hmmm
+I.Q
+INTESTINAL
+Iranian
+JELL
+JELLO
+JILLIAN'S
+JULIENNED
+Jodie
+KATRINKA
+KNOCKWURST
+LBJ
+LING
+LONI
+LUGOSI
+Loni
+Lycra
+MALIBU
+MCMAHON
+MELBA
+MERYL
+MMM
+MOGULS
+MONTALBAN'S
+MOUSSE
+MSG
+MT
+MTV
+MYSTERIANS
+Macy's
+Meese
+Monkees
+NABOBS
+NAGEELA
+NEBULATION
+NICKLES
+NUTRA
+Niro
+OLFACTORY
+OMNIVERSAL
+OVULAR
+Osmond
+Osmonds
+PAISLEY
+PASTA
+PG
+Pharoahs
+Provolone
+R.V.'S
+RAPHAELITE
+RICARDO
+RITA
+Rom
+Roni
+SAGAN
+SANFORIZE
+SCHROON
+SCIENTOLOGIST
+SERBO
+SHOPLIFT
+SINATRA
+SKEE
+SODOMIZE
+SONTAG
+STREEP
+Safeway
+Slezak
+Spandex
+T.V
+TACO
+TAILFINS
+TALLULAH
+TINA
+TRANSSEXUAL
+TRYNEL
+Tenafly
+Tex
+Th
+Tylenol
+Uh
+VASELINE
+VELVEETA
+WESSON
+YEH
+YUBBA
+Yum
+ZIPPY
+Zippy
+Zippy's
+barbequeued
+chr
+co
+cranial
+creme
+devalue
+disco
+donut
+donuts
+dusenjet
+einem
+einige
+frolicking
+fuschia
+gladiatoren
+gothic
+graphisticator
+hors
+houseboy
+ich
+im
+jahr
+kidnapped
+lande
+laundromat
+laundromats
+lesbian
+li'l
+manicurist
+matic
+meatball
+meltdown
+naugahide
+obstetrician
+poindexter
+pre
+psilocybin
+quaaludes
+quadrophonic
+rieche
+s'posed
+scientology
+skintight
+skydiving
+solarium
+spielen
+telex
+th
+th'HOLIDAY
+th'MAMBO
+th'RAIN
+th'WRENCH
+th'cute
+thru
+thumbtack
+uh
+um
+urinate
+vaseline
+vor
+zzzzzzzzz
diff --git a/games/fortune/fortune/Makefile b/games/fortune/fortune/Makefile
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..598d99b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/fortune/Makefile
@@ -0,0 +1,10 @@
+#	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+
+PROG=	fortune
+MAN6=	fortune.6
+CFLAGS+=-I${.CURDIR}/../strfile
+DPADD=	${COMPAT}
+LDADD=	-lcompat
+
+.include "${.CURDIR}/../../Makefile.inc"
+.include <bsd.prog.mk>
diff --git a/games/fortune/fortune/fortune.6 b/games/fortune/fortune/fortune.6
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ad7d997
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/fortune/fortune.6
@@ -0,0 +1,172 @@
+.\" Copyright (c) 1985, 1991, 1993
+.\"	The Regents of the University of California.  All rights reserved.
+.\"
+.\" This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+.\" Ken Arnold.
+.\"
+.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+.\" are met:
+.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+.\"    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+.\"    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+.\"    documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+.\" 3. All advertising materials mentioning features or use of this software
+.\"    must display the following acknowledgement:
+.\"	This product includes software developed by the University of
+.\"	California, Berkeley and its contributors.
+.\" 4. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+.\"    may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+.\"    without specific prior written permission.
+.\"
+.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+.\" ARE DISCLAIMED.  IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+.\" SUCH DAMAGE.
+.\"
+.\"	@(#)fortune.6	8.3 (Berkeley) 4/19/94
+.\"
+.Dd April 19, 1994
+.Dt FORTUNE 6
+.Os BSD 4
+.Sh NAME
+.Nm fortune
+.Nd "print a random, hopefully interesting, adage"
+.Sh SYNOPSIS
+.Nm fortune
+.Op Fl aefilosw
+.Op Fl m Ar pattern
+.Oo
+.Op Ar \&N%
+.Ar file/dir/all
+.Oc
+.Sh DESCRIPTION
+When
+.Nm fortune
+is run with no arguments it prints out a random epigram.
+Epigrams are divided into several categories, where each category
+is subdivided into those which are potentially offensive and those
+which are not.
+The options are as follows:
+.Bl -tag -width flag
+.It Fl a
+Choose from all lists of maxims, both offensive and not.
+(See the
+.Fl o
+option for more information on offensive fortunes.)
+.It Fl e
+Consider all fortune files to be of equal size (see discussion below
+on multiple files).
+.It Fl f
+Print out the list of files which would be searched, but don't
+print a fortune.
+.It Fl l
+Long dictums only.
+.It Fl m
+Print out all fortunes which match the regular expression
+.Ar pattern .
+See
+.Xr regex 3
+for a description of patterns.
+.It Fl o
+Choose only from potentially offensive aphorisms.
+.Bf -symbolic
+Please, please, please request a potentially offensive fortune if and
+only if you believe, deep down in your heart, that you are willing
+to be offended.
+(And that if you are, you'll just quit using
+.Fl o
+rather than give us
+grief about it, okay?)
+.Ef
+.Bd -filled -offset indent
+\&... let us keep in mind the basic governing philosophy
+of The Brotherhood, as handsomely summarized in these words:
+we believe in healthy, hearty laughter -- at the expense of
+the whole human race, if needs be.
+Needs be.
+.Bd -filled -offset indent-two -compact
+--H. Allen Smith, "Rude Jokes"
+.Ed
+.Ed
+.It Fl s
+Short apothegms only.
+.It Fl i
+Ignore case for
+.Fl m
+patterns.
+.It Fl w
+Wait before termination for an amount of time calculated from the
+number of characters in the message.
+This is useful if it is executed as part of the logout procedure
+to guarantee that the message can be read before the screen is cleared.
+.El
+.Pp
+The user may specify alternate sayings.
+You can specify a specific file, a directory which contains one or
+more files, or the special word
+.Em all
+which says to use all the standard databases.
+Any of these may be preceded by a percentage, which is a number
+.Ar N
+between 0 and 100 inclusive, followed by a
+.Ar % .
+If it is, there will be a
+.Ar N
+percent probability that an adage will be picked from that file
+or directory.
+If the percentages do not sum to 100, and there are specifications
+without percentages, the remaining percent will apply to those files
+and/or directories, in which case the probability of selecting from
+one of them will be based on their relative sizes.
+.Pp
+As an example, given two databases
+.Em funny
+and
+.Em not-funny ,
+with
+.Em funny
+twice as big, saying
+.Bd -literal -offset indent
+fortune funny not-funny
+.Ed
+.Pp
+will get you fortunes out of
+.Em funny
+two-thirds of the time.
+The command
+.Bd -literal -offset indent
+fortune 90% funny 10% not-funny
+.Ed
+.Pp
+will pick out 90% of its fortunes from
+.Em funny
+(the ``10% not-funny'' is unnecessary, since 10% is all that's left).
+The
+.Fl e
+option says to consider all files equal;
+thus
+.Bd -literal -offset indent
+fortune -e
+.Ed
+.Pp
+is equivalent to
+.Bd -literal -offset indent
+fortune 50% funny 50% not
+.Em -funny
+.Ed
+.Sh FILES
+.Bl -tag -width Pa -compact
+.It Pa /usr/share/games/fortune
+.El
+.Sh SEE ALSO
+.Xr regex 3 ,
+.Xr regcmp 3 ,
diff --git a/games/fortune/fortune/fortune.c b/games/fortune/fortune/fortune.c
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..802a092
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/fortune/fortune.c
@@ -0,0 +1,1365 @@
+/*-
+ * Copyright (c) 1986, 1993
+ *	The Regents of the University of California.  All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+ * Ken Arnold.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ *    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ *    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ *    documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. All advertising materials mentioning features or use of this software
+ *    must display the following acknowledgement:
+ *	This product includes software developed by the University of
+ *	California, Berkeley and its contributors.
+ * 4. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ *    may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ *    without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED.  IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#ifndef lint
+static char copyright[] =
+"@(#) Copyright (c) 1986, 1993\n\
+	The Regents of the University of California.  All rights reserved.\n";
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#ifndef lint
+static char sccsid[] = "@(#)fortune.c	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+# include	<sys/param.h>
+# include	<sys/stat.h>
+# include	<sys/dir.h>
+
+# include	<fcntl.h>
+# include	<assert.h>
+# include	<unistd.h>
+# include	<stdio.h>
+# include	<ctype.h>
+# include	<stdlib.h>
+# include	<string.h>
+# include	"strfile.h"
+# include	"pathnames.h"
+
+# define	TRUE	1
+# define	FALSE	0
+# define	bool	short
+
+# define	MINW	6		/* minimum wait if desired */
+# define	CPERS	20		/* # of chars for each sec */
+# define	SLEN	160		/* # of chars in short fortune */
+
+# define	POS_UNKNOWN	((off_t) -1)	/* pos for file unknown */
+# define	NO_PROB		(-1)		/* no prob specified for file */
+
+# ifdef DEBUG
+# define	DPRINTF(l,x)	if (Debug >= l) fprintf x; else
+# undef		NDEBUG
+# else
+# define	DPRINTF(l,x)
+# define	NDEBUG	1
+# endif
+
+typedef struct fd {
+	int		percent;
+	int		fd, datfd;
+	off_t		pos;
+	FILE		*inf;
+	char		*name;
+	char		*path;
+	char		*datfile, *posfile;
+	bool		read_tbl;
+	bool		was_pos_file;
+	STRFILE		tbl;
+	int		num_children;
+	struct fd	*child, *parent;
+	struct fd	*next, *prev;
+} FILEDESC;
+
+bool	Found_one;			/* did we find a match? */
+bool	Find_files	= FALSE;	/* just find a list of proper fortune files */
+bool	Wait		= FALSE;	/* wait desired after fortune */
+bool	Short_only	= FALSE;	/* short fortune desired */
+bool	Long_only	= FALSE;	/* long fortune desired */
+bool	Offend		= FALSE;	/* offensive fortunes only */
+bool	All_forts	= FALSE;	/* any fortune allowed */
+bool	Equal_probs	= FALSE;	/* scatter un-allocted prob equally */
+#ifndef NO_REGEX
+bool	Match		= FALSE;	/* dump fortunes matching a pattern */
+#endif
+#ifdef DEBUG
+bool	Debug = FALSE;			/* print debug messages */
+#endif
+
+char	*Fortbuf = NULL;			/* fortune buffer for -m */
+
+int	Fort_len = 0;
+
+off_t	Seekpts[2];			/* seek pointers to fortunes */
+
+FILEDESC	*File_list = NULL,	/* Head of file list */
+		*File_tail = NULL;	/* Tail of file list */
+FILEDESC	*Fortfile;		/* Fortune file to use */
+
+STRFILE		Noprob_tbl;		/* sum of data for all no prob files */
+
+int	 add_dir __P((FILEDESC *));
+int	 add_file __P((int,
+	    char *, char *, FILEDESC **, FILEDESC **, FILEDESC *));
+void	 all_forts __P((FILEDESC *, char *));
+char	*copy __P((char *, u_int));
+void	 display __P((FILEDESC *));
+void	 do_free __P((void *));
+void	*do_malloc __P((u_int));
+int	 form_file_list __P((char **, int));
+int	 fortlen __P((void));
+void	 get_fort __P((void));
+void	 get_pos __P((FILEDESC *));
+void	 get_tbl __P((FILEDESC *));
+void	 getargs __P((int, char *[]));
+void	 init_prob __P((void));
+int	 is_dir __P((char *));
+int	 is_fortfile __P((char *, char **, char **, int));
+int	 is_off_name __P((char *));
+int	 max __P((int, int));
+FILEDESC *
+	 new_fp __P((void));
+char	*off_name __P((char *));
+void	 open_dat __P((FILEDESC *));
+void	 open_fp __P((FILEDESC *));
+FILEDESC *
+	 pick_child __P((FILEDESC *));
+void	 print_file_list __P((void));
+void	 print_list __P((FILEDESC *, int));
+void	 sum_noprobs __P((FILEDESC *));
+void	 sum_tbl __P((STRFILE *, STRFILE *));
+void	 usage __P((void));
+void	 zero_tbl __P((STRFILE *));
+
+#ifndef	NO_REGEX
+char	*conv_pat __P((char *));
+int	 find_matches __P((void));
+void	 matches_in_list __P((FILEDESC *));
+int	 maxlen_in_list __P((FILEDESC *));
+#endif
+
+#ifndef NO_REGEX
+#ifdef REGCMP
+# define	RE_COMP(p)	(Re_pat = regcmp(p, NULL))
+# define	BAD_COMP(f)	((f) == NULL)
+# define	RE_EXEC(p)	regex(Re_pat, (p))
+
+char	*Re_pat;
+
+char	*regcmp(), *regex();
+#else
+# define	RE_COMP(p)	(p = re_comp(p))
+# define	BAD_COMP(f)	((f) != NULL)
+# define	RE_EXEC(p)	re_exec(p)
+
+#endif
+#endif
+
+int
+main(ac, av)
+int	ac;
+char	*av[];
+{
+#ifdef	OK_TO_WRITE_DISK
+	int	fd;
+#endif	/* OK_TO_WRITE_DISK */
+
+	getargs(ac, av);
+
+#ifndef NO_REGEX
+	if (Match)
+		exit(find_matches() != 0);
+#endif
+
+	init_prob();
+	srandom((int)(time((time_t *) NULL) + getpid()));
+	do {
+		get_fort();
+	} while ((Short_only && fortlen() > SLEN) ||
+		 (Long_only && fortlen() <= SLEN));
+
+	display(Fortfile);
+
+#ifdef	OK_TO_WRITE_DISK
+	if ((fd = creat(Fortfile->posfile, 0666)) < 0) {
+		perror(Fortfile->posfile);
+		exit(1);
+	}
+#ifdef	LOCK_EX
+	/*
+	 * if we can, we exclusive lock, but since it isn't very
+	 * important, we just punt if we don't have easy locking
+	 * available.
+	 */
+	(void) flock(fd, LOCK_EX);
+#endif	/* LOCK_EX */
+	write(fd, (char *) &Fortfile->pos, sizeof Fortfile->pos);
+	if (!Fortfile->was_pos_file)
+		(void) chmod(Fortfile->path, 0666);
+#ifdef	LOCK_EX
+	(void) flock(fd, LOCK_UN);
+#endif	/* LOCK_EX */
+#endif	/* OK_TO_WRITE_DISK */
+	if (Wait) {
+		if (Fort_len == 0)
+			(void) fortlen();
+		sleep((unsigned int) max(Fort_len / CPERS, MINW));
+	}
+	exit(0);
+	/* NOTREACHED */
+}
+
+void
+display(fp)
+FILEDESC	*fp;
+{
+	register char	*p, ch;
+	char	line[BUFSIZ];
+
+	open_fp(fp);
+	(void) fseek(fp->inf, (long)Seekpts[0], 0);
+	for (Fort_len = 0; fgets(line, sizeof line, fp->inf) != NULL &&
+	    !STR_ENDSTRING(line, fp->tbl); Fort_len++) {
+		if (fp->tbl.str_flags & STR_ROTATED)
+			for (p = line; ch = *p; ++p)
+				if (isupper(ch))
+					*p = 'A' + (ch - 'A' + 13) % 26;
+				else if (islower(ch))
+					*p = 'a' + (ch - 'a' + 13) % 26;
+		fputs(line, stdout);
+	}
+	(void) fflush(stdout);
+}
+
+/*
+ * fortlen:
+ *	Return the length of the fortune.
+ */
+int
+fortlen()
+{
+	register int	nchar;
+	char		line[BUFSIZ];
+
+	if (!(Fortfile->tbl.str_flags & (STR_RANDOM | STR_ORDERED)))
+		nchar = (Seekpts[1] - Seekpts[0] <= SLEN);
+	else {
+		open_fp(Fortfile);
+		(void) fseek(Fortfile->inf, (long)Seekpts[0], 0);
+		nchar = 0;
+		while (fgets(line, sizeof line, Fortfile->inf) != NULL &&
+		       !STR_ENDSTRING(line, Fortfile->tbl))
+			nchar += strlen(line);
+	}
+	Fort_len = nchar;
+	return nchar;
+}
+
+/*
+ *	This routine evaluates the arguments on the command line
+ */
+void
+getargs(argc, argv)
+register int	argc;
+register char	**argv;
+{
+	register int	ignore_case;
+# ifndef NO_REGEX
+	register char	*pat;
+# endif	/* NO_REGEX */
+	extern char *optarg;
+	extern int optind;
+	int ch;
+
+	ignore_case = FALSE;
+	pat = NULL;
+
+# ifdef DEBUG
+	while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "aDefilm:osw")) != EOF)
+#else
+	while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "aefilm:osw")) != EOF)
+#endif /* DEBUG */
+		switch(ch) {
+		case 'a':		/* any fortune */
+			All_forts++;
+			break;
+# ifdef DEBUG
+		case 'D':
+			Debug++;
+			break;
+# endif /* DEBUG */
+		case 'e':
+			Equal_probs++;	/* scatter un-allocted prob equally */
+			break;
+		case 'f':		/* find fortune files */
+			Find_files++;
+			break;
+		case 'l':		/* long ones only */
+			Long_only++;
+			Short_only = FALSE;
+			break;
+		case 'o':		/* offensive ones only */
+			Offend++;
+			break;
+		case 's':		/* short ones only */
+			Short_only++;
+			Long_only = FALSE;
+			break;
+		case 'w':		/* give time to read */
+			Wait++;
+			break;
+# ifdef	NO_REGEX
+		case 'i':			/* case-insensitive match */
+		case 'm':			/* dump out the fortunes */
+			(void) fprintf(stderr,
+			    "fortune: can't match fortunes on this system (Sorry)\n");
+			exit(0);
+# else	/* NO_REGEX */
+		case 'm':			/* dump out the fortunes */
+			Match++;
+			pat = optarg;
+			break;
+		case 'i':			/* case-insensitive match */
+			ignore_case++;
+			break;
+# endif	/* NO_REGEX */
+		case '?':
+		default:
+			usage();
+		}
+	argc -= optind;
+	argv += optind;
+
+	if (!form_file_list(argv, argc))
+		exit(1);	/* errors printed through form_file_list() */
+#ifdef DEBUG
+	if (Debug >= 1)
+		print_file_list();
+#endif /* DEBUG */
+	if (Find_files) {
+		print_file_list();
+		exit(0);
+	}
+
+# ifndef NO_REGEX
+	if (pat != NULL) {
+		if (ignore_case)
+			pat = conv_pat(pat);
+		if (BAD_COMP(RE_COMP(pat))) {
+#ifndef REGCMP
+			fprintf(stderr, "%s\n", pat);
+#else	/* REGCMP */
+			fprintf(stderr, "bad pattern: %s\n", pat);
+#endif	/* REGCMP */
+		}
+	}
+# endif	/* NO_REGEX */
+}
+
+/*
+ * form_file_list:
+ *	Form the file list from the file specifications.
+ */
+int
+form_file_list(files, file_cnt)
+register char	**files;
+register int	file_cnt;
+{
+	register int	i, percent;
+	register char	*sp;
+
+	if (file_cnt == 0)
+		if (Find_files)
+			return add_file(NO_PROB, FORTDIR, NULL, &File_list,
+					&File_tail, NULL);
+		else
+			return add_file(NO_PROB, "fortunes", FORTDIR,
+					&File_list, &File_tail, NULL);
+	for (i = 0; i < file_cnt; i++) {
+		percent = NO_PROB;
+		if (!isdigit(files[i][0]))
+			sp = files[i];
+		else {
+			percent = 0;
+			for (sp = files[i]; isdigit(*sp); sp++)
+				percent = percent * 10 + *sp - '0';
+			if (percent > 100) {
+				fprintf(stderr, "percentages must be <= 100\n");
+				return FALSE;
+			}
+			if (*sp == '.') {
+				fprintf(stderr, "percentages must be integers\n");
+				return FALSE;
+			}
+			/*
+			 * If the number isn't followed by a '%', then
+			 * it was not a percentage, just the first part
+			 * of a file name which starts with digits.
+			 */
+			if (*sp != '%') {
+				percent = NO_PROB;
+				sp = files[i];
+			}
+			else if (*++sp == '\0') {
+				if (++i >= file_cnt) {
+					fprintf(stderr, "percentages must precede files\n");
+					return FALSE;
+				}
+				sp = files[i];
+			}
+		}
+		if (strcmp(sp, "all") == 0)
+			sp = FORTDIR;
+		if (!add_file(percent, sp, NULL, &File_list, &File_tail, NULL))
+			return FALSE;
+	}
+	return TRUE;
+}
+
+/*
+ * add_file:
+ *	Add a file to the file list.
+ */
+int
+add_file(percent, file, dir, head, tail, parent)
+int		percent;
+register char	*file;
+char		*dir;
+FILEDESC	**head, **tail;
+FILEDESC	*parent;
+{
+	register FILEDESC	*fp;
+	register int		fd;
+	register char		*path, *offensive;
+	register bool		was_malloc;
+	register bool		isdir;
+
+	if (dir == NULL) {
+		path = file;
+		was_malloc = FALSE;
+	}
+	else {
+		path = do_malloc((unsigned int) (strlen(dir) + strlen(file) + 2));
+		(void) strcat(strcat(strcpy(path, dir), "/"), file);
+		was_malloc = TRUE;
+	}
+	if ((isdir = is_dir(path)) && parent != NULL) {
+		if (was_malloc)
+			free(path);
+		return FALSE;	/* don't recurse */
+	}
+	offensive = NULL;
+	if (!isdir && parent == NULL && (All_forts || Offend) &&
+	    !is_off_name(path)) {
+		offensive = off_name(path);
+		was_malloc = TRUE;
+		if (Offend) {
+			if (was_malloc)
+				free(path);
+			path = offensive;
+			file = off_name(file);
+		}
+	}
+
+	DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "adding file \"%s\"\n", path));
+over:
+	if ((fd = open(path, 0)) < 0) {
+		/*
+		 * This is a sneak.  If the user said -a, and if the
+		 * file we're given isn't a file, we check to see if
+		 * there is a -o version.  If there is, we treat it as
+		 * if *that* were the file given.  We only do this for
+		 * individual files -- if we're scanning a directory,
+		 * we'll pick up the -o file anyway.
+		 */
+		if (All_forts && offensive != NULL) {
+			path = offensive;
+			if (was_malloc)
+				free(path);
+			offensive = NULL;
+			was_malloc = TRUE;
+			DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "\ttrying \"%s\"\n", path));
+			file = off_name(file);
+			goto over;
+		}
+		if (dir == NULL && file[0] != '/')
+			return add_file(percent, file, FORTDIR, head, tail,
+					parent);
+		if (parent == NULL)
+			perror(path);
+		if (was_malloc)
+			free(path);
+		return FALSE;
+	}
+
+	DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "path = \"%s\"\n", path));
+
+	fp = new_fp();
+	fp->fd = fd;
+	fp->percent = percent;
+	fp->name = file;
+	fp->path = path;
+	fp->parent = parent;
+
+	if ((isdir && !add_dir(fp)) ||
+	    (!isdir &&
+	     !is_fortfile(path, &fp->datfile, &fp->posfile, (parent != NULL))))
+	{
+		if (parent == NULL)
+			fprintf(stderr,
+				"fortune:%s not a fortune file or directory\n",
+				path);
+		free((char *) fp);
+		if (was_malloc)
+			free(path);
+		do_free(fp->datfile);
+		do_free(fp->posfile);
+		do_free(offensive);
+		return FALSE;
+	}
+	/*
+	 * If the user said -a, we need to make this node a pointer to
+	 * both files, if there are two.  We don't need to do this if
+	 * we are scanning a directory, since the scan will pick up the
+	 * -o file anyway.
+	 */
+	if (All_forts && parent == NULL && !is_off_name(path))
+		all_forts(fp, offensive);
+	if (*head == NULL)
+		*head = *tail = fp;
+	else if (fp->percent == NO_PROB) {
+		(*tail)->next = fp;
+		fp->prev = *tail;
+		*tail = fp;
+	}
+	else {
+		(*head)->prev = fp;
+		fp->next = *head;
+		*head = fp;
+	}
+#ifdef	OK_TO_WRITE_DISK
+	fp->was_pos_file = (access(fp->posfile, W_OK) >= 0);
+#endif	/* OK_TO_WRITE_DISK */
+
+	return TRUE;
+}
+
+/*
+ * new_fp:
+ *	Return a pointer to an initialized new FILEDESC.
+ */
+FILEDESC *
+new_fp()
+{
+	register FILEDESC	*fp;
+
+	fp = (FILEDESC *) do_malloc(sizeof *fp);
+	fp->datfd = -1;
+	fp->pos = POS_UNKNOWN;
+	fp->inf = NULL;
+	fp->fd = -1;
+	fp->percent = NO_PROB;
+	fp->read_tbl = FALSE;
+	fp->next = NULL;
+	fp->prev = NULL;
+	fp->child = NULL;
+	fp->parent = NULL;
+	fp->datfile = NULL;
+	fp->posfile = NULL;
+	return fp;
+}
+
+/*
+ * off_name:
+ *	Return a pointer to the offensive version of a file of this name.
+ */
+char *
+off_name(file)
+char	*file;
+{
+	char	*new;
+
+	new = copy(file, (unsigned int) (strlen(file) + 2));
+	return strcat(new, "-o");
+}
+
+/*
+ * is_off_name:
+ *	Is the file an offensive-style name?
+ */
+int
+is_off_name(file)
+char	*file;
+{
+	int	len;
+
+	len = strlen(file);
+	return (len >= 3 && file[len - 2] == '-' && file[len - 1] == 'o');
+}
+
+/*
+ * all_forts:
+ *	Modify a FILEDESC element to be the parent of two children if
+ *	there are two children to be a parent of.
+ */
+void
+all_forts(fp, offensive)
+register FILEDESC	*fp;
+char			*offensive;
+{
+	register char		*sp;
+	register FILEDESC	*scene, *obscene;
+	register int		fd;
+	auto char		*datfile, *posfile;
+
+	if (fp->child != NULL)	/* this is a directory, not a file */
+		return;
+	if (!is_fortfile(offensive, &datfile, &posfile, FALSE))
+		return;
+	if ((fd = open(offensive, 0)) < 0)
+		return;
+	DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "adding \"%s\" because of -a\n", offensive));
+	scene = new_fp();
+	obscene = new_fp();
+	*scene = *fp;
+
+	fp->num_children = 2;
+	fp->child = scene;
+	scene->next = obscene;
+	obscene->next = NULL;
+	scene->child = obscene->child = NULL;
+	scene->parent = obscene->parent = fp;
+
+	fp->fd = -1;
+	scene->percent = obscene->percent = NO_PROB;
+
+	obscene->fd = fd;
+	obscene->inf = NULL;
+	obscene->path = offensive;
+	if ((sp = rindex(offensive, '/')) == NULL)
+		obscene->name = offensive;
+	else
+		obscene->name = ++sp;
+	obscene->datfile = datfile;
+	obscene->posfile = posfile;
+	obscene->read_tbl = FALSE;
+#ifdef	OK_TO_WRITE_DISK
+	obscene->was_pos_file = (access(obscene->posfile, W_OK) >= 0);
+#endif	/* OK_TO_WRITE_DISK */
+}
+
+/*
+ * add_dir:
+ *	Add the contents of an entire directory.
+ */
+int
+add_dir(fp)
+register FILEDESC	*fp;
+{
+	register DIR		*dir;
+#ifdef SYSV
+	register struct dirent	*dirent;	/* NIH, of course! */
+#else
+	register struct direct	*dirent;
+#endif
+	auto FILEDESC		*tailp;
+	auto char		*name;
+
+	(void) close(fp->fd);
+	fp->fd = -1;
+	if ((dir = opendir(fp->path)) == NULL) {
+		perror(fp->path);
+		return FALSE;
+	}
+	tailp = NULL;
+	DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "adding dir \"%s\"\n", fp->path));
+	fp->num_children = 0;
+	while ((dirent = readdir(dir)) != NULL) {
+		if (dirent->d_namlen == 0)
+			continue;
+		name = copy(dirent->d_name, dirent->d_namlen);
+		if (add_file(NO_PROB, name, fp->path, &fp->child, &tailp, fp))
+			fp->num_children++;
+		else
+			free(name);
+	}
+	if (fp->num_children == 0) {
+		(void) fprintf(stderr,
+		    "fortune: %s: No fortune files in directory.\n", fp->path);
+		return FALSE;
+	}
+	return TRUE;
+}
+
+/*
+ * is_dir:
+ *	Return TRUE if the file is a directory, FALSE otherwise.
+ */
+int
+is_dir(file)
+char	*file;
+{
+	auto struct stat	sbuf;
+
+	if (stat(file, &sbuf) < 0)
+		return FALSE;
+	return (sbuf.st_mode & S_IFDIR);
+}
+
+/*
+ * is_fortfile:
+ *	Return TRUE if the file is a fortune database file.  We try and
+ *	exclude files without reading them if possible to avoid
+ *	overhead.  Files which start with ".", or which have "illegal"
+ *	suffixes, as contained in suflist[], are ruled out.
+ */
+/* ARGSUSED */
+int
+is_fortfile(file, datp, posp, check_for_offend)
+char	*file, **datp, **posp;
+int	check_for_offend;
+{
+	register int	i;
+	register char	*sp;
+	register char	*datfile;
+	static char	*suflist[] = {	/* list of "illegal" suffixes" */
+				"dat", "pos", "c", "h", "p", "i", "f",
+				"pas", "ftn", "ins.c", "ins,pas",
+				"ins.ftn", "sml",
+				NULL
+			};
+
+	DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "is_fortfile(%s) returns ", file));
+
+	/*
+	 * Preclude any -o files for offendable people, and any non -o
+	 * files for completely offensive people.
+	 */
+	if (check_for_offend && !All_forts) {
+		i = strlen(file);
+		if (Offend ^ (file[i - 2] == '-' && file[i - 1] == 'o'))
+			return FALSE;
+	}
+
+	if ((sp = rindex(file, '/')) == NULL)
+		sp = file;
+	else
+		sp++;
+	if (*sp == '.') {
+		DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "FALSE (file starts with '.')\n"));
+		return FALSE;
+	}
+	if ((sp = rindex(sp, '.')) != NULL) {
+		sp++;
+		for (i = 0; suflist[i] != NULL; i++)
+			if (strcmp(sp, suflist[i]) == 0) {
+				DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "FALSE (file has suffix \".%s\")\n", sp));
+				return FALSE;
+			}
+	}
+
+	datfile = copy(file, (unsigned int) (strlen(file) + 4)); /* +4 for ".dat" */
+	strcat(datfile, ".dat");
+	if (access(datfile, R_OK) < 0) {
+		free(datfile);
+		DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "FALSE (no \".dat\" file)\n"));
+		return FALSE;
+	}
+	if (datp != NULL)
+		*datp = datfile;
+	else
+		free(datfile);
+#ifdef	OK_TO_WRITE_DISK
+	if (posp != NULL) {
+		*posp = copy(file, (unsigned int) (strlen(file) + 4)); /* +4 for ".dat" */
+		(void) strcat(*posp, ".pos");
+	}
+#endif	/* OK_TO_WRITE_DISK */
+	DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "TRUE\n"));
+	return TRUE;
+}
+
+/*
+ * copy:
+ *	Return a malloc()'ed copy of the string
+ */
+char *
+copy(str, len)
+char		*str;
+unsigned int	len;
+{
+	char	*new, *sp;
+
+	new = do_malloc(len + 1);
+	sp = new;
+	do {
+		*sp++ = *str;
+	} while (*str++);
+	return new;
+}
+
+/*
+ * do_malloc:
+ *	Do a malloc, checking for NULL return.
+ */
+void *
+do_malloc(size)
+unsigned int	size;
+{
+	void	*new;
+
+	if ((new = malloc(size)) == NULL) {
+		(void) fprintf(stderr, "fortune: out of memory.\n");
+		exit(1);
+	}
+	return new;
+}
+
+/*
+ * do_free:
+ *	Free malloc'ed space, if any.
+ */
+void
+do_free(ptr)
+void	*ptr;
+{
+	if (ptr != NULL)
+		free(ptr);
+}
+
+/*
+ * init_prob:
+ *	Initialize the fortune probabilities.
+ */
+void
+init_prob()
+{
+	register FILEDESC	*fp, *last;
+	register int		percent, num_noprob, frac;
+
+	/*
+	 * Distribute the residual probability (if any) across all
+	 * files with unspecified probability (i.e., probability of 0)
+	 * (if any).
+	 */
+
+	percent = 0;
+	num_noprob = 0;
+	for (fp = File_tail; fp != NULL; fp = fp->prev)
+		if (fp->percent == NO_PROB) {
+			num_noprob++;
+			if (Equal_probs)
+				last = fp;
+		}
+		else
+			percent += fp->percent;
+	DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "summing probabilities:%d%% with %d NO_PROB's",
+		    percent, num_noprob));
+	if (percent > 100) {
+		(void) fprintf(stderr,
+		    "fortune: probabilities sum to %d%%!\n", percent);
+		exit(1);
+	}
+	else if (percent < 100 && num_noprob == 0) {
+		(void) fprintf(stderr,
+		    "fortune: no place to put residual probability (%d%%)\n",
+		    percent);
+		exit(1);
+	}
+	else if (percent == 100 && num_noprob != 0) {
+		(void) fprintf(stderr,
+		    "fortune: no probability left to put in residual files\n");
+		exit(1);
+	}
+	percent = 100 - percent;
+	if (Equal_probs)
+		if (num_noprob != 0) {
+			if (num_noprob > 1) {
+				frac = percent / num_noprob;
+				DPRINTF(1, (stderr, ", frac = %d%%", frac));
+				for (fp = File_list; fp != last; fp = fp->next)
+					if (fp->percent == NO_PROB) {
+						fp->percent = frac;
+						percent -= frac;
+					}
+			}
+			last->percent = percent;
+			DPRINTF(1, (stderr, ", residual = %d%%", percent));
+		}
+	else {
+		DPRINTF(1, (stderr,
+			    ", %d%% distributed over remaining fortunes\n",
+			    percent));
+	}
+	DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "\n"));
+
+#ifdef DEBUG
+	if (Debug >= 1)
+		print_file_list();
+#endif
+}
+
+/*
+ * get_fort:
+ *	Get the fortune data file's seek pointer for the next fortune.
+ */
+void
+get_fort()
+{
+	register FILEDESC	*fp;
+	register int		choice;
+
+	if (File_list->next == NULL || File_list->percent == NO_PROB)
+		fp = File_list;
+	else {
+		choice = random() % 100;
+		DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "choice = %d\n", choice));
+		for (fp = File_list; fp->percent != NO_PROB; fp = fp->next)
+			if (choice < fp->percent)
+				break;
+			else {
+				choice -= fp->percent;
+				DPRINTF(1, (stderr,
+					    "    skip \"%s\", %d%% (choice = %d)\n",
+					    fp->name, fp->percent, choice));
+			}
+			DPRINTF(1, (stderr,
+				    "using \"%s\", %d%% (choice = %d)\n",
+				    fp->name, fp->percent, choice));
+	}
+	if (fp->percent != NO_PROB)
+		get_tbl(fp);
+	else {
+		if (fp->next != NULL) {
+			sum_noprobs(fp);
+			choice = random() % Noprob_tbl.str_numstr;
+			DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "choice = %d (of %d) \n", choice,
+				    Noprob_tbl.str_numstr));
+			while (choice >= fp->tbl.str_numstr) {
+				choice -= fp->tbl.str_numstr;
+				fp = fp->next;
+				DPRINTF(1, (stderr,
+					    "    skip \"%s\", %d (choice = %d)\n",
+					    fp->name, fp->tbl.str_numstr,
+					    choice));
+			}
+			DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "using \"%s\", %d\n", fp->name,
+				    fp->tbl.str_numstr));
+		}
+		get_tbl(fp);
+	}
+	if (fp->child != NULL) {
+		DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "picking child\n"));
+		fp = pick_child(fp);
+	}
+	Fortfile = fp;
+	get_pos(fp);
+	open_dat(fp);
+	(void) lseek(fp->datfd,
+		     (off_t) (sizeof fp->tbl + fp->pos * sizeof Seekpts[0]), 0);
+	read(fp->datfd, Seekpts, sizeof Seekpts);
+	Seekpts[0] = ntohl(Seekpts[0]);
+	Seekpts[1] = ntohl(Seekpts[1]);
+}
+
+/*
+ * pick_child
+ *	Pick a child from a chosen parent.
+ */
+FILEDESC *
+pick_child(parent)
+FILEDESC	*parent;
+{
+	register FILEDESC	*fp;
+	register int		choice;
+
+	if (Equal_probs) {
+		choice = random() % parent->num_children;
+		DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "    choice = %d (of %d)\n",
+			    choice, parent->num_children));
+		for (fp = parent->child; choice--; fp = fp->next)
+			continue;
+		DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "    using %s\n", fp->name));
+		return fp;
+	}
+	else {
+		get_tbl(parent);
+		choice = random() % parent->tbl.str_numstr;
+		DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "    choice = %d (of %d)\n",
+			    choice, parent->tbl.str_numstr));
+		for (fp = parent->child; choice >= fp->tbl.str_numstr;
+		     fp = fp->next) {
+			choice -= fp->tbl.str_numstr;
+			DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "\tskip %s, %d (choice = %d)\n",
+				    fp->name, fp->tbl.str_numstr, choice));
+		}
+		DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "    using %s, %d\n", fp->name,
+			    fp->tbl.str_numstr));
+		return fp;
+	}
+}
+
+/*
+ * sum_noprobs:
+ *	Sum up all the noprob probabilities, starting with fp.
+ */
+void
+sum_noprobs(fp)
+register FILEDESC	*fp;
+{
+	static bool	did_noprobs = FALSE;
+
+	if (did_noprobs)
+		return;
+	zero_tbl(&Noprob_tbl);
+	while (fp != NULL) {
+		get_tbl(fp);
+		sum_tbl(&Noprob_tbl, &fp->tbl);
+		fp = fp->next;
+	}
+	did_noprobs = TRUE;
+}
+
+int
+max(i, j)
+register int	i, j;
+{
+	return (i >= j ? i : j);
+}
+
+/*
+ * open_fp:
+ *	Assocatiate a FILE * with the given FILEDESC.
+ */
+void
+open_fp(fp)
+FILEDESC	*fp;
+{
+	if (fp->inf == NULL && (fp->inf = fdopen(fp->fd, "r")) == NULL) {
+		perror(fp->path);
+		exit(1);
+	}
+}
+
+/*
+ * open_dat:
+ *	Open up the dat file if we need to.
+ */
+void
+open_dat(fp)
+FILEDESC	*fp;
+{
+	if (fp->datfd < 0 && (fp->datfd = open(fp->datfile, 0)) < 0) {
+		perror(fp->datfile);
+		exit(1);
+	}
+}
+
+/*
+ * get_pos:
+ *	Get the position from the pos file, if there is one.  If not,
+ *	return a random number.
+ */
+void
+get_pos(fp)
+FILEDESC	*fp;
+{
+#ifdef	OK_TO_WRITE_DISK
+	int	fd;
+#endif /* OK_TO_WRITE_DISK */
+
+	assert(fp->read_tbl);
+	if (fp->pos == POS_UNKNOWN) {
+#ifdef	OK_TO_WRITE_DISK
+		if ((fd = open(fp->posfile, 0)) < 0 ||
+		    read(fd, &fp->pos, sizeof fp->pos) != sizeof fp->pos)
+			fp->pos = random() % fp->tbl.str_numstr;
+		else if (fp->pos >= fp->tbl.str_numstr)
+			fp->pos %= fp->tbl.str_numstr;
+		if (fd >= 0)
+			(void) close(fd);
+#else
+		fp->pos = random() % fp->tbl.str_numstr;
+#endif /* OK_TO_WRITE_DISK */
+	}
+	if (++(fp->pos) >= fp->tbl.str_numstr)
+		fp->pos -= fp->tbl.str_numstr;
+	DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "pos for %s is %qd\n", fp->name, fp->pos));
+}
+
+/*
+ * get_tbl:
+ *	Get the tbl data file the datfile.
+ */
+void
+get_tbl(fp)
+FILEDESC	*fp;
+{
+	auto int		fd;
+	register FILEDESC	*child;
+
+	if (fp->read_tbl)
+		return;
+	if (fp->child == NULL) {
+		if ((fd = open(fp->datfile, 0)) < 0) {
+			perror(fp->datfile);
+			exit(1);
+		}
+		if (read(fd, (char *) &fp->tbl, sizeof fp->tbl) != sizeof fp->tbl) {
+			(void)fprintf(stderr,
+			    "fortune: %s corrupted\n", fp->path);
+			exit(1);
+		}
+		/* fp->tbl.str_version = ntohl(fp->tbl.str_version); */
+		fp->tbl.str_numstr = ntohl(fp->tbl.str_numstr);
+		fp->tbl.str_longlen = ntohl(fp->tbl.str_longlen);
+		fp->tbl.str_shortlen = ntohl(fp->tbl.str_shortlen);
+		fp->tbl.str_flags = ntohl(fp->tbl.str_flags);
+		(void) close(fd);
+	}
+	else {
+		zero_tbl(&fp->tbl);
+		for (child = fp->child; child != NULL; child = child->next) {
+			get_tbl(child);
+			sum_tbl(&fp->tbl, &child->tbl);
+		}
+	}
+	fp->read_tbl = TRUE;
+}
+
+/*
+ * zero_tbl:
+ *	Zero out the fields we care about in a tbl structure.
+ */
+void
+zero_tbl(tp)
+register STRFILE	*tp;
+{
+	tp->str_numstr = 0;
+	tp->str_longlen = 0;
+	tp->str_shortlen = -1;
+}
+
+/*
+ * sum_tbl:
+ *	Merge the tbl data of t2 into t1.
+ */
+void
+sum_tbl(t1, t2)
+register STRFILE	*t1, *t2;
+{
+	t1->str_numstr += t2->str_numstr;
+	if (t1->str_longlen < t2->str_longlen)
+		t1->str_longlen = t2->str_longlen;
+	if (t1->str_shortlen > t2->str_shortlen)
+		t1->str_shortlen = t2->str_shortlen;
+}
+
+#define	STR(str)	((str) == NULL ? "NULL" : (str))
+
+/*
+ * print_file_list:
+ *	Print out the file list
+ */
+void
+print_file_list()
+{
+	print_list(File_list, 0);
+}
+
+/*
+ * print_list:
+ *	Print out the actual list, recursively.
+ */
+void
+print_list(list, lev)
+register FILEDESC	*list;
+int			lev;
+{
+	while (list != NULL) {
+		fprintf(stderr, "%*s", lev * 4, "");
+		if (list->percent == NO_PROB)
+			fprintf(stderr, "___%%");
+		else
+			fprintf(stderr, "%3d%%", list->percent);
+		fprintf(stderr, " %s", STR(list->name));
+		DPRINTF(1, (stderr, " (%s, %s, %s)\n", STR(list->path),
+			    STR(list->datfile), STR(list->posfile)));
+		putc('\n', stderr);
+		if (list->child != NULL)
+			print_list(list->child, lev + 1);
+		list = list->next;
+	}
+}
+
+#ifndef	NO_REGEX
+/*
+ * conv_pat:
+ *	Convert the pattern to an ignore-case equivalent.
+ */
+char *
+conv_pat(orig)
+register char	*orig;
+{
+	register char		*sp;
+	register unsigned int	cnt;
+	register char		*new;
+
+	cnt = 1;	/* allow for '\0' */
+	for (sp = orig; *sp != '\0'; sp++)
+		if (isalpha(*sp))
+			cnt += 4;
+		else
+			cnt++;
+	if ((new = malloc(cnt)) == NULL) {
+		fprintf(stderr, "pattern too long for ignoring case\n");
+		exit(1);
+	}
+
+	for (sp = new; *orig != '\0'; orig++) {
+		if (islower(*orig)) {
+			*sp++ = '[';
+			*sp++ = *orig;
+			*sp++ = toupper(*orig);
+			*sp++ = ']';
+		}
+		else if (isupper(*orig)) {
+			*sp++ = '[';
+			*sp++ = *orig;
+			*sp++ = tolower(*orig);
+			*sp++ = ']';
+		}
+		else
+			*sp++ = *orig;
+	}
+	*sp = '\0';
+	return new;
+}
+
+/*
+ * find_matches:
+ *	Find all the fortunes which match the pattern we've been given.
+ */
+int
+find_matches()
+{
+	Fort_len = maxlen_in_list(File_list);
+	DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "Maximum length is %d\n", Fort_len));
+	/* extra length, "%\n" is appended */
+	Fortbuf = do_malloc((unsigned int) Fort_len + 10);
+
+	Found_one = FALSE;
+	matches_in_list(File_list);
+	return Found_one;
+	/* NOTREACHED */
+}
+
+/*
+ * maxlen_in_list
+ *	Return the maximum fortune len in the file list.
+ */
+int
+maxlen_in_list(list)
+FILEDESC	*list;
+{
+	register FILEDESC	*fp;
+	register int		len, maxlen;
+
+	maxlen = 0;
+	for (fp = list; fp != NULL; fp = fp->next) {
+		if (fp->child != NULL) {
+			if ((len = maxlen_in_list(fp->child)) > maxlen)
+				maxlen = len;
+		}
+		else {
+			get_tbl(fp);
+			if (fp->tbl.str_longlen > maxlen)
+				maxlen = fp->tbl.str_longlen;
+		}
+	}
+	return maxlen;
+}
+
+/*
+ * matches_in_list
+ *	Print out the matches from the files in the list.
+ */
+void
+matches_in_list(list)
+FILEDESC	*list;
+{
+	register char		*sp;
+	register FILEDESC	*fp;
+	int			in_file;
+
+	for (fp = list; fp != NULL; fp = fp->next) {
+		if (fp->child != NULL) {
+			matches_in_list(fp->child);
+			continue;
+		}
+		DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "searching in %s\n", fp->path));
+		open_fp(fp);
+		sp = Fortbuf;
+		in_file = FALSE;
+		while (fgets(sp, Fort_len, fp->inf) != NULL)
+			if (!STR_ENDSTRING(sp, fp->tbl))
+				sp += strlen(sp);
+			else {
+				*sp = '\0';
+				if (RE_EXEC(Fortbuf)) {
+					printf("%c%c", fp->tbl.str_delim,
+					    fp->tbl.str_delim);
+					if (!in_file) {
+						printf(" (%s)", fp->name);
+						Found_one = TRUE;
+						in_file = TRUE;
+					}
+					putchar('\n');
+					(void) fwrite(Fortbuf, 1, (sp - Fortbuf), stdout);
+				}
+				sp = Fortbuf;
+			}
+	}
+}
+# endif	/* NO_REGEX */
+
+void
+usage()
+{
+	(void) fprintf(stderr, "fortune [-a");
+#ifdef	DEBUG
+	(void) fprintf(stderr, "D");
+#endif	/* DEBUG */
+	(void) fprintf(stderr, "f");
+#ifndef	NO_REGEX
+	(void) fprintf(stderr, "i");
+#endif	/* NO_REGEX */
+	(void) fprintf(stderr, "losw]");
+#ifndef	NO_REGEX
+	(void) fprintf(stderr, " [-m pattern]");
+#endif	/* NO_REGEX */
+	(void) fprintf(stderr, "[ [#%%] file/directory/all]\n");
+	exit(1);
+}
diff --git a/games/fortune/fortune/pathnames.h b/games/fortune/fortune/pathnames.h
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..341d0b8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/fortune/pathnames.h
@@ -0,0 +1,36 @@
+/*-
+ * Copyright (c) 1991, 1993
+ *	The Regents of the University of California.  All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ *    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ *    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ *    documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. All advertising materials mentioning features or use of this software
+ *    must display the following acknowledgement:
+ *	This product includes software developed by the University of
+ *	California, Berkeley and its contributors.
+ * 4. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ *    may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ *    without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED.  IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ *
+ *	@(#)pathnames.h	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+ */
+
+#define	FORTDIR		"/usr/share/games/fortune"
diff --git a/games/fortune/strfile/Makefile b/games/fortune/strfile/Makefile
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6c0a8d9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/strfile/Makefile
@@ -0,0 +1,6 @@
+#	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+
+PROG=	strfile
+NOMAN=	noman
+
+.include <bsd.prog.mk>
diff --git a/games/fortune/strfile/strfile.8 b/games/fortune/strfile/strfile.8
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..443a18b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/strfile/strfile.8
@@ -0,0 +1,146 @@
+.\" Copyright (c) 1989, 1991, 1993
+.\"	The Regents of the University of California.  All rights reserved.
+.\"
+.\" 
+.\" This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+.\" Ken Arnold.
+.\"
+.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+.\" are met:
+.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+.\"    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+.\"    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+.\"    documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+.\" 3. All advertising materials mentioning features or use of this software
+.\"    must display the following acknowledgement:
+.\"	This product includes software developed by the University of
+.\"	California, Berkeley and its contributors.
+.\" 4. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+.\"    may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+.\"    without specific prior written permission.
+.\"
+.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+.\" ARE DISCLAIMED.  IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+.\" SUCH DAMAGE.
+.\"
+.\"     @(#)strfile.8	8.1 (Berkeley) 6/9/93
+.\"
+.Dd June 9, 1993
+.Dt STRFILE 8
+.Os BSD 4
+.Sh NAME
+.Nm strfile ,
+.Nm unstr
+.Nd "create a random access file for storing strings"
+.Sh SYNOPSIS
+.Nm strfile
+.Op Fl iorsx
+.Op Fl c Ar char
+.Ar source_file
+.Op Ar output_file
+.Nm unstr
+.Ar source_file
+.Sh DESCRIPTION
+.Nm Strfile
+reads a file containing groups of lines separated by a line containing
+a single percent
+.Ql \&%
+sign and creates a data file which contains
+a header structure and a table of file offsets for each group of lines.
+This allows random access of the strings.
+.Pp
+The output file, if not specified on the command line, is named
+.Ar source_file Ns Sy .out .
+.Pp
+The options are as follows:
+.Bl -tag -width "-c char"
+.It Fl c Ar char
+Change the delimiting character from the percent sign to
+.Ar char .
+.It Fl i
+Ignore case when ordering the strings.
+.It Fl o
+Order the strings in alphabetical order.
+The offset table will be sorted in the alphabetical order of the
+groups of lines referenced.
+Any initial non-alphanumeric characters are ignored.
+This option causes the
+.Dv STR_ORDERED
+bit in the header
+.Ar str_flags
+field to be set.
+.It Fl r
+Randomize access to the strings.
+Entries in the offset table will be randomly ordered.
+This option causes the
+.Dv STR_RANDOM
+bit in the header
+.Ar str_flags
+field to be set.
+.It Fl s
+Run silently; don't give a summary message when finished.
+.It Fl x
+Note that each alphabetic character in the groups of lines is rotated
+13 positions in a simple caesar cypher.
+This option causes the
+.Dv STR_ROTATED
+bit in the header
+.Ar str_flags
+field to be set.
+.El
+.Pp
+The format of the header is:
+.Bd -literal
+#define	VERSION	1
+unsigned long	str_version;	/* version number */
+unsigned long	str_numstr;	/* # of strings in the file */
+unsigned long	str_longlen;	/* length of longest string */
+unsigned long	str_shortlen;	/* length of shortest string */
+#define	STR_RANDOM	0x1	/* randomized pointers */
+#define	STR_ORDERED	0x2	/* ordered pointers */
+#define	STR_ROTATED	0x4	/* rot-13'd text */
+unsigned long	str_flags;	/* bit field for flags */
+char str_delim;			/* delimiting character */
+.Ed
+.Pp
+All fields are written in network byte order.
+.Pp
+The purpose of
+.Nm unstr
+is to undo the work of
+.Nm strfile .
+It prints out the strings contained in the file
+.Ar source_file
+in the order that they are listed in
+the header file
+.Ar source_file Ns Pa .dat
+to standard output.
+It is possible to create sorted versions of input files by using
+.Fl o
+when
+.Nm strfile
+is run and then using
+.Nm unstr
+to dump them out in the table order.
+.Sh SEE ALSO
+.Xr byteorder 3 ,
+.Xr fortune 6
+.Sh FILES
+.Bl -tag -width strfile.out -compact
+.It Pa strfile.out
+default output file.
+.El
+.Sh HISTORY
+The
+.Nm strfile
+utility first appeared in 4.4BSD.
diff --git a/games/fortune/strfile/strfile.c b/games/fortune/strfile/strfile.c
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2401caa
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/strfile/strfile.c
@@ -0,0 +1,456 @@
+/*-
+ * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993
+ *	The Regents of the University of California.  All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+ * Ken Arnold.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ *    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ *    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ *    documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. All advertising materials mentioning features or use of this software
+ *    must display the following acknowledgement:
+ *	This product includes software developed by the University of
+ *	California, Berkeley and its contributors.
+ * 4. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ *    may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ *    without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED.  IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#ifndef lint
+static char copyright[] =
+"@(#) Copyright (c) 1989, 1993\n\
+	The Regents of the University of California.  All rights reserved.\n";
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#ifndef lint
+static char sccsid[] = "@(#)strfile.c	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+# include	<machine/endian.h>
+# include	<sys/param.h>
+# include	<stdio.h>
+# include	<ctype.h>
+# include	"strfile.h"
+
+# ifndef MAXPATHLEN
+# define	MAXPATHLEN	1024
+# endif	/* MAXPATHLEN */
+
+/*
+ *	This program takes a file composed of strings seperated by
+ * lines starting with two consecutive delimiting character (default
+ * character is '%') and creates another file which consists of a table
+ * describing the file (structure from "strfile.h"), a table of seek
+ * pointers to the start of the strings, and the strings, each terminated
+ * by a null byte.  Usage:
+ *
+ *	% strfile [-iorsx] [ -cC ] sourcefile [ datafile ]
+ *
+ *	c - Change delimiting character from '%' to 'C'
+ *	s - Silent.  Give no summary of data processed at the end of
+ *	    the run.
+ *	o - order the strings in alphabetic order
+ *	i - if ordering, ignore case 
+ *	r - randomize the order of the strings
+ *	x - set rotated bit
+ *
+ *		Ken Arnold	Sept. 7, 1978 --
+ *
+ *	Added ordering options.
+ */
+
+# define	TRUE	1
+# define	FALSE	0
+
+# define	STORING_PTRS	(Oflag || Rflag)
+# define	CHUNKSIZE	512
+
+#ifdef lint
+# define	ALWAYS	atoi("1")
+#else
+# define	ALWAYS	1
+#endif
+# define	ALLOC(ptr,sz)	if (ALWAYS) { \
+			if (ptr == NULL) \
+				ptr = malloc((unsigned int) (CHUNKSIZE * sizeof *ptr)); \
+			else if (((sz) + 1) % CHUNKSIZE == 0) \
+				ptr = realloc((void *) ptr, ((unsigned int) ((sz) + CHUNKSIZE) * sizeof *ptr)); \
+			if (ptr == NULL) { \
+				fprintf(stderr, "out of space\n"); \
+				exit(1); \
+			} \
+		} else
+
+#ifdef NO_VOID
+# define	void	char
+#endif
+
+typedef struct {
+	char	first;
+	off_t	pos;
+} STR;
+
+char	*Infile		= NULL,		/* input file name */
+	Outfile[MAXPATHLEN] = "",	/* output file name */
+	Delimch		= '%';		/* delimiting character */
+
+int	Sflag		= FALSE;	/* silent run flag */
+int	Oflag		= FALSE;	/* ordering flag */
+int	Iflag		= FALSE;	/* ignore case flag */
+int	Rflag		= FALSE;	/* randomize order flag */
+int	Xflag		= FALSE;	/* set rotated bit */
+long	Num_pts		= 0;		/* number of pointers/strings */
+
+off_t	*Seekpts;
+
+FILE	*Sort_1, *Sort_2;		/* pointers for sorting */
+
+STRFILE	Tbl;				/* statistics table */
+
+STR	*Firstch;			/* first chars of each string */
+
+char	*fgets(), *strcpy(), *strcat();
+
+void	*malloc(), *realloc();
+
+/*
+ * main:
+ *	Drive the sucker.  There are two main modes -- either we store
+ *	the seek pointers, if the table is to be sorted or randomized,
+ *	or we write the pointer directly to the file, if we are to stay
+ *	in file order.  If the former, we allocate and re-allocate in
+ *	CHUNKSIZE blocks; if the latter, we just write each pointer,
+ *	and then seek back to the beginning to write in the table.
+ */
+main(ac, av)
+int	ac;
+char	**av;
+{
+	register char		*sp, dc;
+	register FILE		*inf, *outf;
+	register off_t		last_off, length, pos, *p;
+	register int		first, cnt;
+	register char		*nsp;
+	register STR		*fp;
+	static char		string[257];
+
+	getargs(ac, av);		/* evalute arguments */
+	dc = Delimch;
+	if ((inf = fopen(Infile, "r")) == NULL) {
+		perror(Infile);
+		exit(1);
+	}
+
+	if ((outf = fopen(Outfile, "w")) == NULL) {
+		perror(Outfile);
+		exit(1);
+	}
+	if (!STORING_PTRS)
+		(void) fseek(outf, sizeof Tbl, 0);
+
+	/*
+	 * Write the strings onto the file
+	 */
+
+	Tbl.str_longlen = 0;
+	Tbl.str_shortlen = (unsigned int) 0xffffffff;
+	Tbl.str_delim = dc;
+	Tbl.str_version = VERSION;
+	first = Oflag;
+	add_offset(outf, ftell(inf));
+	last_off = 0;
+	do {
+		sp = fgets(string, 256, inf);
+		if (sp == NULL || sp[0] == dc && sp[1] == '\n') {
+			pos = ftell(inf);
+			length = pos - last_off - (sp ? strlen(sp) : 0);
+			last_off = pos;
+			if (!length)
+				continue;
+			add_offset(outf, pos);
+			if (Tbl.str_longlen < length)
+				Tbl.str_longlen = length;
+			if (Tbl.str_shortlen > length)
+				Tbl.str_shortlen = length;
+			first = Oflag;
+		}
+		else if (first) {
+			for (nsp = sp; !isalnum(*nsp); nsp++)
+				continue;
+			ALLOC(Firstch, Num_pts);
+			fp = &Firstch[Num_pts - 1];
+			if (Iflag && isupper(*nsp))
+				fp->first = tolower(*nsp);
+			else
+				fp->first = *nsp;
+			fp->pos = Seekpts[Num_pts - 1];
+			first = FALSE;
+		}
+	} while (sp != NULL);
+
+	/*
+	 * write the tables in
+	 */
+
+	(void) fclose(inf);
+
+	if (Oflag)
+		do_order();
+	else if (Rflag)
+		randomize();
+
+	if (Xflag)
+		Tbl.str_flags |= STR_ROTATED;
+
+	if (!Sflag) {
+		printf("\"%s\" created\n", Outfile);
+		if (Num_pts == 2)
+			puts("There was 1 string");
+		else
+			printf("There were %d strings\n", Num_pts - 1);
+		printf("Longest string: %lu byte%s\n", Tbl.str_longlen,
+		       Tbl.str_longlen == 1 ? "" : "s");
+		printf("Shortest string: %lu byte%s\n", Tbl.str_shortlen,
+		       Tbl.str_shortlen == 1 ? "" : "s");
+	}
+
+	(void) fseek(outf, (off_t) 0, 0);
+	Tbl.str_version = htonl(Tbl.str_version);
+	Tbl.str_numstr = htonl(Num_pts - 1);
+	Tbl.str_longlen = htonl(Tbl.str_longlen);
+	Tbl.str_shortlen = htonl(Tbl.str_shortlen);
+	Tbl.str_flags = htonl(Tbl.str_flags);
+	(void) fwrite((char *) &Tbl, sizeof Tbl, 1, outf);
+	if (STORING_PTRS) {
+		for (p = Seekpts, cnt = Num_pts; cnt--; ++p)
+			*p = htonl(*p);
+		(void) fwrite((char *) Seekpts, sizeof *Seekpts, (int) Num_pts, outf);
+	}
+	(void) fclose(outf);
+	exit(0);
+}
+
+/*
+ *	This routine evaluates arguments from the command line
+ */
+getargs(argc, argv)
+int	argc;
+char	**argv;
+{
+	extern char	*optarg;
+	extern int	optind;
+	int	ch;
+
+	while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "c:iorsx")) != EOF)
+		switch(ch) {
+		case 'c':			/* new delimiting char */
+			Delimch = *optarg;
+			if (!isascii(Delimch)) {
+				printf("bad delimiting character: '\\%o\n'",
+				       Delimch);
+			}
+			break;
+		case 'i':			/* ignore case in ordering */
+			Iflag++;
+			break;
+		case 'o':			/* order strings */
+			Oflag++;
+			break;
+		case 'r':			/* randomize pointers */
+			Rflag++;
+			break;
+		case 's':			/* silent */
+			Sflag++;
+			break;
+		case 'x':			/* set the rotated bit */
+			Xflag++;
+			break;
+		case '?':
+		default:
+			usage();
+		}
+	argv += optind;
+
+	if (*argv) {
+		Infile = *argv;
+		if (*++argv)
+			(void) strcpy(Outfile, *argv);
+	}
+	if (!Infile) {
+		puts("No input file name");
+		usage();
+	}
+	if (*Outfile == '\0') {
+		(void) strcpy(Outfile, Infile);
+		(void) strcat(Outfile, ".dat");
+	}
+}
+
+usage()
+{
+	(void) fprintf(stderr,
+	    "strfile [-iorsx] [-c char] sourcefile [datafile]\n");
+	exit(1);
+}
+
+/*
+ * add_offset:
+ *	Add an offset to the list, or write it out, as appropriate.
+ */
+add_offset(fp, off)
+FILE	*fp;
+off_t	off;
+{
+	off_t net;
+
+	if (!STORING_PTRS) {
+		net = htonl(off);
+		fwrite(&net, 1, sizeof net, fp);
+	} else {
+		ALLOC(Seekpts, Num_pts + 1);
+		Seekpts[Num_pts] = off;
+	}
+	Num_pts++;
+}
+
+/*
+ * do_order:
+ *	Order the strings alphabetically (possibly ignoring case).
+ */
+do_order()
+{
+	register int	i;
+	register off_t	*lp;
+	register STR	*fp;
+	extern int	cmp_str();
+
+	Sort_1 = fopen(Infile, "r");
+	Sort_2 = fopen(Infile, "r");
+	qsort((char *) Firstch, (int) Tbl.str_numstr, sizeof *Firstch, cmp_str);
+	i = Tbl.str_numstr;
+	lp = Seekpts;
+	fp = Firstch;
+	while (i--)
+		*lp++ = fp++->pos;
+	(void) fclose(Sort_1);
+	(void) fclose(Sort_2);
+	Tbl.str_flags |= STR_ORDERED;
+}
+
+/*
+ * cmp_str:
+ *	Compare two strings in the file
+ */
+char *
+unctrl(c)
+char c;
+{
+	static char	buf[3];
+
+	if (isprint(c)) {
+		buf[0] = c;
+		buf[1] = '\0';
+	}
+	else if (c == 0177) {
+		buf[0] = '^';
+		buf[1] = '?';
+	}
+	else {
+		buf[0] = '^';
+		buf[1] = c + 'A' - 1;
+	}
+	return buf;
+}
+
+cmp_str(p1, p2)
+STR	*p1, *p2;
+{
+	register int	c1, c2;
+	register int	n1, n2;
+
+# define	SET_N(nf,ch)	(nf = (ch == '\n'))
+# define	IS_END(ch,nf)	(ch == Delimch && nf)
+
+	c1 = p1->first;
+	c2 = p2->first;
+	if (c1 != c2)
+		return c1 - c2;
+
+	(void) fseek(Sort_1, p1->pos, 0);
+	(void) fseek(Sort_2, p2->pos, 0);
+
+	n1 = FALSE;
+	n2 = FALSE;
+	while (!isalnum(c1 = getc(Sort_1)) && c1 != '\0')
+		SET_N(n1, c1);
+	while (!isalnum(c2 = getc(Sort_2)) && c2 != '\0')
+		SET_N(n2, c2);
+
+	while (!IS_END(c1, n1) && !IS_END(c2, n2)) {
+		if (Iflag) {
+			if (isupper(c1))
+				c1 = tolower(c1);
+			if (isupper(c2))
+				c2 = tolower(c2);
+		}
+		if (c1 != c2)
+			return c1 - c2;
+		SET_N(n1, c1);
+		SET_N(n2, c2);
+		c1 = getc(Sort_1);
+		c2 = getc(Sort_2);
+	}
+	if (IS_END(c1, n1))
+		c1 = 0;
+	if (IS_END(c2, n2))
+		c2 = 0;
+	return c1 - c2;
+}
+
+/*
+ * randomize:
+ *	Randomize the order of the string table.  We must be careful
+ *	not to randomize across delimiter boundaries.  All
+ *	randomization is done within each block.
+ */
+randomize()
+{
+	register int	cnt, i;
+	register off_t	tmp;
+	register off_t	*sp;
+	extern time_t	time();
+
+	srandom((int)(time((time_t *) NULL) + getpid()));
+
+	Tbl.str_flags |= STR_RANDOM;
+	cnt = Tbl.str_numstr;
+
+	/*
+	 * move things around randomly
+	 */
+
+	for (sp = Seekpts; cnt > 0; cnt--, sp++) {
+		i = random() % cnt;
+		tmp = sp[0];
+		sp[0] = sp[i];
+		sp[i] = tmp;
+	}
+}
diff --git a/games/fortune/strfile/strfile.h b/games/fortune/strfile/strfile.h
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9abc5f7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/strfile/strfile.h
@@ -0,0 +1,54 @@
+/*-
+ * Copyright (c) 1991, 1993
+ *	The Regents of the University of California.  All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+ * Ken Arnold.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ *    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ *    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ *    documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. All advertising materials mentioning features or use of this software
+ *    must display the following acknowledgement:
+ *	This product includes software developed by the University of
+ *	California, Berkeley and its contributors.
+ * 4. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ *    may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ *    without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED.  IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ *
+ *	@(#)strfile.h	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+ */
+
+#define	STR_ENDSTRING(line,tbl) \
+	((line)[0] == (tbl).str_delim && (line)[1] == '\n')
+
+typedef struct {				/* information table */
+#define	VERSION		1
+	unsigned long	str_version;		/* version number */
+	unsigned long	str_numstr;		/* # of strings in the file */
+	unsigned long	str_longlen;		/* length of longest string */
+	unsigned long	str_shortlen;		/* length of shortest string */
+#define	STR_RANDOM	0x1			/* randomized pointers */
+#define	STR_ORDERED	0x2			/* ordered pointers */
+#define	STR_ROTATED	0x4			/* rot-13'd text */
+	unsigned long	str_flags;		/* bit field for flags */
+	unsigned char	stuff[4];		/* long aligned space */
+#define	str_delim	stuff[0]		/* delimiting character */
+} STRFILE;
diff --git a/games/fortune/tools/Do_spell b/games/fortune/tools/Do_spell
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d997392
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/tools/Do_spell
@@ -0,0 +1,10 @@
+#!/bin/sh -
+#
+#	@(#)Do_spell	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+#
+
+F=_spell.$$
+echo $1
+spell < $1 > $F
+sort $F $1.sp.ok | uniq -u | column
+rm -f $F
diff --git a/games/fortune/tools/Do_troff b/games/fortune/tools/Do_troff
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..52cb282
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/tools/Do_troff
@@ -0,0 +1,10 @@
+#!/bin/csh -f
+#
+#	@(#)Do_troff	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+#
+
+set file=$1
+shift
+( echo ".ds Se $file" ; cat Troff.mac ; sed -f Troff.sed $file ) | \
+	$* -me >& $file.tr
+echo troff output in $file.tr
diff --git a/games/fortune/tools/Troff.mac b/games/fortune/tools/Troff.mac
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c2b433e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/tools/Troff.mac
@@ -0,0 +1,26 @@
+.nr tp 8
+.nr hm 3v
+.nr fm 2v
+.nr tm 5v
+.nr bm 4v
+.cs R
+.sc
+.sz 6
+.ll +10n
+.lt \n(.l
+.de $h
+.tl 'Fortune Database'\\*(Se'\*(td'
+..
+.de $f
+.tl ''- % -''
+..
+.2c
+.nf
+.ta
+.ta 8n 16n 24n 32n 40n 48n 56n 64n 72n 80n
+.de %%
+.sp .3
+.ce
+\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq
+.sp .2
+..
diff --git a/games/fortune/tools/Troff.sed b/games/fortune/tools/Troff.sed
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3216681
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/tools/Troff.sed
@@ -0,0 +1,13 @@
+/^['.]/s//\\\&&/
+/^%%/s//.&/
+/--/s//\\*-/g
+/_a-squared cos 2(phi)/s//\\fIa\\fP\\u2\\d cos 2\\(*f/
+/__**\([a-zA-Z]*\)/s//\\fI\1\\fP/g
+/"\(.\)/s//\1\\*:/g
+/`\(.\)/s//\1\\*`/g
+/'\(.\)/s//\1\\*'/g
+/~\(.\)/s//\1\\*~/g
+/\^\(.\)/s//\1\\*^/g
+/,\(.\)/s//\1\\*,/g
+/\(.\)\(.\)/s//\\o_\1\2_/g
+/*/s//\\(bs/g
diff --git a/games/fortune/tools/do_sort b/games/fortune/tools/do_sort
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b868a4c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/tools/do_sort
@@ -0,0 +1,11 @@
+#! /bin/sh
+#
+#	@(#)do_sort	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+#
+# an aggressive little script for sorting the fortune files
+# depends on octal 02 and 03 not being anywhere in the files.
+
+sp="/usr/bin/sort -bdfu -T /var/tmp"
+
+sed 's/^%$//' | tr '\12' '\3' | tr '\2' '\12' | $sp | sed 'a\
+	%' | sed -e 's/^//' -e 's/$//' | tr '\3' '\12'
diff --git a/games/fortune/unstr/Makefile b/games/fortune/unstr/Makefile
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ad3075f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/unstr/Makefile
@@ -0,0 +1,7 @@
+#	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+
+PROG=	unstr
+NOMAN=	noman
+CFLAGS+=-I${.CURDIR}/../strfile
+
+.include <bsd.prog.mk>
diff --git a/games/fortune/unstr/unstr.c b/games/fortune/unstr/unstr.c
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..78d584b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/games/fortune/unstr/unstr.c
@@ -0,0 +1,144 @@
+/*-
+ * Copyright (c) 1991, 1993
+ *	The Regents of the University of California.  All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+ * Ken Arnold.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ *    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ *    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ *    documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. All advertising materials mentioning features or use of this software
+ *    must display the following acknowledgement:
+ *	This product includes software developed by the University of
+ *	California, Berkeley and its contributors.
+ * 4. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ *    may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ *    without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED.  IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#ifndef lint
+static char copyright[] =
+"@(#) Copyright (c) 1991, 1993\n\
+	The Regents of the University of California.  All rights reserved.\n";
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#ifndef lint
+static char sccsid[] = "@(#)unstr.c	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+/*
+ *	This program un-does what "strfile" makes, thereby obtaining the
+ * original file again.  This can be invoked with the name of the output
+ * file, the input file, or both. If invoked with only a single argument
+ * ending in ".dat", it is pressumed to be the input file and the output
+ * file will be the same stripped of the ".dat".  If the single argument
+ * doesn't end in ".dat", then it is presumed to be the output file, and
+ * the input file is that name prepended by a ".dat".  If both are given
+ * they are treated literally as the input and output files.
+ *
+ *	Ken Arnold		Aug 13, 1978
+ */
+
+# include	<machine/endian.h>
+# include	<sys/param.h>
+# include	"strfile.h"
+# include	<stdio.h>
+# include	<ctype.h>
+
+# ifndef MAXPATHLEN
+# define	MAXPATHLEN	1024
+# endif	/* MAXPATHLEN */
+
+char	*Infile,			/* name of input file */
+	Datafile[MAXPATHLEN],		/* name of data file */
+	Delimch;			/* delimiter character */
+
+FILE	*Inf, *Dataf;
+
+char	*strcat(), *strcpy();
+
+/* ARGSUSED */
+main(ac, av)
+int	ac;
+char	**av;
+{
+	static STRFILE	tbl;		/* description table */
+
+	getargs(av);
+	if ((Inf = fopen(Infile, "r")) == NULL) {
+		perror(Infile);
+		exit(1);
+	}
+	if ((Dataf = fopen(Datafile, "r")) == NULL) {
+		perror(Datafile);
+		exit(1);
+	}
+	(void) fread((char *) &tbl, sizeof tbl, 1, Dataf);
+	tbl.str_version = ntohl(tbl.str_version);
+	tbl.str_numstr = ntohl(tbl.str_numstr);
+	tbl.str_longlen = ntohl(tbl.str_longlen);
+	tbl.str_shortlen = ntohl(tbl.str_shortlen);
+	tbl.str_flags = ntohl(tbl.str_flags);
+	if (!(tbl.str_flags & (STR_ORDERED | STR_RANDOM))) {
+		fprintf(stderr, "nothing to do -- table in file order\n");
+		exit(1);
+	}
+	Delimch = tbl.str_delim;
+	order_unstr(&tbl);
+	(void) fclose(Inf);
+	(void) fclose(Dataf);
+	exit(0);
+}
+
+getargs(av)
+register char	*av[];
+{
+	if (!*++av) {
+		(void) fprintf(stderr, "usage: unstr datafile\n");
+		exit(1);
+	}
+	Infile = *av;
+	(void) strcpy(Datafile, Infile);
+	(void) strcat(Datafile, ".dat");
+}
+
+order_unstr(tbl)
+register STRFILE	*tbl;
+{
+	register int	i;
+	register char	*sp;
+	auto off_t	pos;
+	char		buf[BUFSIZ];
+
+	for (i = 0; i < tbl->str_numstr; i++) {
+		(void) fread((char *) &pos, 1, sizeof pos, Dataf);
+		(void) fseek(Inf, ntohl(pos), 0);
+		if (i != 0)
+			(void) printf("%c\n", Delimch);
+		for (;;) {
+			sp = fgets(buf, sizeof buf, Inf);
+			if (sp == NULL || STR_ENDSTRING(sp, *tbl))
+				break;
+			else
+				fputs(sp, stdout);
+		}
+	}
+}